#like buffy and Tara’s relationship really shatters me

[pzyii]

Refrence sheet (aka an excuse to talk about details and scars)

all the details are under cut (tw for small self harm mention)

First just short. Yes she’s a lesbian, Idc that if btvs was made today they would’ve written her as bi, that’s not how it is, she’s written as a lesbian, she’s just comphet.

Secondly, I hc her as enby because well I want to, she likes using the trans flag too cause she thinks it’s pretty. (Tara’s a trans woman btw. And Dawn is transfeminine, a hc I can talk about a lot too if prompted. They are a family of trans lesbians)

And she goes by she/they/it with no special preferences cause I say so, tho I only used she in these rants for simplicity.

And yeah she's autistic but we all already knew that.

gonna go by detail by detail for these closeups

Chest scar: so personally I headcanon that Willow (without thinking) took Tara’s pain as she died. Partly because of how she describes being shot to Warren so- personally. And just cause historically she haven’t been the best at controlling her powers. So that combined with everything that happened during her Dark Willow arc combined and I guess manifested a scar. It partly represents just how shattered and broken her heart became when Tara died.

Stomach scar: pretty self explanatory, she got it from the Gnarl in Same Time, Same Place. Because I think when you heal something using nature-healthy magic it leaves a scar cause it’s really just a sped up version of the natural process. This is especially true for when Willow heals herself cause of guilt that is always in her head trying to convince her to not heal. Also just like- she had strips of her skin eaten, that’s bound to leave a scar. And just the whole episode is so great and everything about it is so important so I think she needs a reminder of it.

Thin scars: a few are scratches she’s gotten over the years but most are sh scars. There’s not much to elaborate with that for now, I just think it’s something she did/does.

Big forearm scars: these are from when she resurrected Buffy. She has 2 alike ones on her other forearm. Another headcanon I have is that when wounds are caused by like really dark magicks, like the ones Willow used, scars don’t tend to heal normally, so they took a lot longer to heal than normal wounds their size, and also left clearer scars. Also yknow more scars that work as reminders for her guilt.

Rings: she’s gotten them from a bunch of different people, I don’t have the specifics for that, but the one with green is one is Buffys (in Who Are You? Willow is wearing one of Buffys rings that she and Tara uses for the spell)

Braclets: there’s nothing special about the beige one but the blue one is one of those braided friendship braclets. Dawn made it for her.

Burn scar: it is what I just said. She got it in Gingerbread (she screams like “Buffy I’m on fire!” During it). Not only is Gingerbread one of my favrouite MOTW episodes but it’s really important in understanding Willows character because of her relationship with her mom. So I thought if I had the opportunity to give her a physical scar to remind her of the time her mom tried to kill her i just had to take it. In my personal headcanon of the show she walked with crutches in Helpless (since that only takes place one week after Gingerbread). (Also funfact, in my mlp au i haven’t posted here(if anyones interested send an ask) the burn caused chronic pain and she uses a pony-wheelchair)

Hair: her hair used to be fully the same mid ginger colour but after Dark Willow it was permanently darkened at her roots.

Eyes: her eyes used to be green but turned pink because of the Buffy resurrection spell. And this is very much partly cause I’m an artist who just wants to have fun with my design. But it’s also the complementary hue to the one I use for Buffys eyes. Plus to me when you resurrect someone your soul and essence is kinda torn apart cause you need to kinda go to the afterlife to get them back in a way. So yeah her physical body was put through trials but so was just her psyche and well soul i guess, and because of that her soul is weirdly connected to Buffys, which also was torn apart and put back together. So complimentary!!! (Buffy didn’t notice the the change in colour until their conversation on the curb in Gone, she thinks they’re pretty)

Scars under eyes: these are also partly cause of stylistic choice (to be fair all are). But my design of Dark Willow has veins under her eyes, like tears. So they left scars, scars that also in theory looks like tears.

[redlance]

I was wondering, now I’m curious.. prior to bly manor, prior to bechloe.. what used to be your fav ship?

Well, the short answer to that is Bering & Wells from Warehouse 13.

Affectionately known within the fandom as Angst & Pain, these two were just... something else. The actresses took it upon themselves to decide that they would “fall in love a little bit” and have that be the underlying theme of their entire relationship. They’re the reason I can no longer handle angst - reading, that is. I can still try and make people cry without issue - and we really could have had it all with these two. If only networks didn’t stick their nose in. If only show runners could see what was right in front of them and the potential it carried. They cracked my heart and then the ending of the show came down like a hammer to shatter it into pieces. It really sucks having a show you love so. Much. Just... give up and do everything it had been telling you for four years that it wouldn’t. But I guess that’s just the way shit goes sometimes. We’re lucky that we have two of the best ship captains (Jaime Murray, Joanne Kelly) around to talk about Myka and Helena’s relationship as the very real thing that it was.

The longer answer is that I’ve been in quite a few fandoms over the last 20 years, lol. Some I’ve been more involved in than others, but they all hold a special place in my heart. Working backwards, we have:

Brooke McQueen & Sam McPherson (WB/CW’s Popular).

Created by Ryan Murphy long before his Glee days (and don’t think I didn’t see you reusing story lines, Murphy), this was a show I caught bits of back when it aired (1999-2001) but didn’t really fall in love with until like a decade later when I rediscovered them on Ralst. They hold both my favourite fic of all time AND the one that devastated me the most (which I somehow managed to read a second time without remember the god damn ending, and it got me TWICE). The show was cancelled too soon and ended on one of the biggest cliffhangers in television history. (Fight me about it.)

Quinn Fabray & Rachel Berry. (Glee)

Ryan Murphy at it again. We all know how this one ended. These two had such a great dynamic though and the potential, in terms of diving into fic writing for them, was sky high.

Lucy Diamond & Amy Bradshaw (Angela Robinson’s “D.E.B.S.” 2004)

I love this film with my whole soul. THE best lesbian movie out there. (Once again, Fight Me.)

Xena & Gabrielle (Xena: Warrior Princess)

Do I... I don’t need to say anything about these two, right? I think everything has already been said, anyway. They are transcendent

Willow Rosenberg and Tara Maclay (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

And this is where it all began. Back when I was a fledgling baby-gay and did not yet have my wings or really know wtf was going on with me, I found these two. And, without trying to sound overdramatic, they changed my life. Kinda saved it, really. The whole show, in fact. There was a level of obsession there that I think can only be experienced in those early teen years. Where it’s just completely all consuming in a way you can’t control. I LOVED Buffy. I still love it. Then... what happened on the show happened and it really kind of messed me up. I was still a kid, I was dealing with a LOT of stuff personally, and it was my first brush with the crushing disappointment of fictional gay relationships. So, it sucked. But while a distant echo of the pain still lingers – like that of a lost love – I can look back now and appreciate what I was given, regardless of how it was taken away.

Honourable mentions go to

Kara Danvers & Lena Luthor (Supergirl)

Alex Danvers & Sam Arias (Supergirl)

Claire Redfield & Alice (Resident Evil – Movies)

Sophie Webster and Sian Powers (Coronation Street – I’m not even going to apologise for this one, I don’t care how lame people think I am, I fucking loved these two.)

Am I missing anyone else... Possibly. I’m sure SOMEONE will let me know.

Hope this is a sufficiently acceptable answer to your question, anon!

[theajaheira]

regarding honor and honesty in the workplace (25/43)

read it on ao3!!

from the personal files of Jenny Calendar:

I lucked out, I think. I have three amazing daughters and a partner who, according to the nurse, is due to all-the-way wake up any day now. Maybe a dramatic noir romance isn’t something I really want in my life if it can go so drastically fucking south, but I wish I had figured that out in a way that hadn’t hurt Rupert so many times.

It was two days later, when Buffy and Faith were at the vending machine and Dawn had gone to use the bathroom, that Lilah came in, wearing all black and looking subdued but still composed. Jenny stood up immediately, positioning herself in front of Rupert and trying her hardest to stare Lilah down in a tough, fearless way.

“I’m not here to shoot you,” said Lilah calmly.

“You know,” said Jenny shakily, “you’d have a lot more credibility if you didn’t have to specify that before talking to me.”

“Jenny—”

“Leave,” said Jenny.

“Please,” said Lilah. “Please just listen to me. I want to help—”

“By actually shooting me this time?” Jenny gave Lilah a thin, sardonic smile. “By lying to me? I’ve had an influx of panicked texts and calls over the last few days from all the different people you told me to track down. I told them I was giving their information to someone who would be able to keep them safe. You never hired me to take down Wolfram and Hart, did you? You’ve been working for them from the beginning. You hired me because you needed a trustworthy face to lure all these people out.”

“Fuck it,” said Lilah, throwing up her hands. “You know what? Fine. I used you. I did. But I didn’t lie when I said you meant something to me—”

“Yeah, I really got that impression when you shot Rupert,” said Jenny sharply, and a little too loudly. She pressed her lips together, glanced over at a still-unconscious Rupert, and lowered her voice to say, “You know what I always thought was so fucking attractive about you? I liked that you were honest with me. I like people who don’t lie to me. That’s one of the drawbacks of being a detective, I guess—you find out all the stuff about people that you never wanted to know.”

Lilah flinched and looked down, running a shaking hand through her hair. “Jenny,” she said. “Please. I-I know you have every right to be mad at me, but you have to understand—”

“This is what you meant,” said Jenny. “About your ruining relationships. You’ve done this to other detectives before, haven’t you? Gotten them to bring out the people you need and made them disappear?”

“I’ve killed other detectives,” said Lilah, looking up at her with that same quiet sadness. “I’ve walked up to them and shot them and made them disappear without even having to think about it. That’s the kind of stuff I do, Jenny. That’s why I’ve always said you wouldn’t look at me the same way if you knew the kind of things I’ve done.”

“Damn right I wouldn’t,” said Jenny. “Play the victim with me again and I’ll kill you right here in this hospital room.”

Lilah smiled a little sadly. “You’re not a killer,” she said, almost affectionately. “Jenny, I came here because—because I want to cut you a deal.”

“Oh, yeah, like I’m going to trust anything you’re about to say,” Jenny scoffed.

“You don’t really have a choice,” said Lilah matter-of-factly, “because, see, I know everything I need to about you and Rupert and those three little girls you two are taking care of. I have a law firm at the ready that’ll do anything to protect the sensitive information both you and he know about, and I have no qualms about getting them to kill your daughters. It’d hurt a little, knowing—” She smiled, and it quivered in a terrifyingly human way, “—knowing how much that would hurt you, but when it comes to Wolfram and Hart, there really is no getting out alive unless you’re willing to get your hands dirty.”

Jenny stared at her. “My daughters,” she said. “You would bring my daughters into this.”

“I really am sorry,” said Lilah, and it was clear that she was, but she said it so sweetly and so earnestly that it was almost nauseating. She was talking about the lives of Jenny’s daughters like they were as disposable and replaceable as a set of paper plates. As inconsequential as a cup of coffee. “It’s just business.”

“It’s my daughters,” said Jenny, almost sobbing, and noticed vaguely that she was clutching at the bedspread near Rupert. And it wasn’t the threat that hurt so much—it was that it was Lilah threatening her. Lilah, with her bright eyes and her biting kisses and her soft, capable hands. Lilah, threatening her as effortlessly as though it was something she did every day, and still with that amiable warmth that made it clear Jenny really was important to her. This was how Lilah treated the people she cared about. “I trusted you,” Jenny said.

Lilah’s smile wavered. “Trust is an illusion,” she said, “and there’s no real honesty in this line of work. I’d think you of all people should know that by this point.”

They looked at each other for a long moment, and Jenny knew with a sudden clarity that this would be the last time she saw Lilah in this context. The next time she saw Lilah, there would be clearer lines drawn, and Lilah would no longer be quite so ambiguously labeled. No longer a maybe-girlfriend or a possibly-love—Lilah was, first and foremost, a threat, and both of them knew it. “What kind of deal do you want to cut?” said Jenny finally, flatly.

Lilah nodded. Then she said, “I was going to offer that you run away with me, but—that seems unlikely, now,” and here her gaze moved almost knowingly to Rupert, then back up to Jenny. Jenny felt a sense of shame at that, and resented it, staring Lilah down. “What I’m offering you instead is simple: you promise me that you will never again seek out a case that falls under the jurisdiction of Wolfram and Hart, and I won’t hurt you, your family, or that sweet little Tara girl your daughter Faith seems to have taken a liking to—none of the witnesses, actually.”

“What about Angel Investigations?” Jenny asked.

“Angel Investigations has been a consistent thorn in our side,” said Lilah matter-of-factly. “There’s nothing I can do to protect them. Besides which, it’s headed by that good-for-nothing Liam, and hasn’t he caused you enough trouble already? I’d say this is a fairly good deal coming from someone who could kill your entire family with a snap of her fingers.”

Jenny looked at Lilah for a long time.

“Or,” said Lilah, and took out that same revolver she’d used to shoot Rupert, shifting it idly from one hand to the other. Jenny tensed. “Don’t look so nervous,” said Lilah, giving Jenny a light, breezy smile. “If you’re not going to cut a deal with me, I don’t really have any choice. I’ll kill him, and I’ll send a few people in to kill your daughters while they’re—vending machine and bathroom, isn’t that where they are right now?”

“Lilah,” said Jenny shakily. “Why didn’t you just kill me in that alley?”

For the first time since she’d entered the room, Lilah’s composure faltered. She didn’t seem able to meet Jenny’s eyes. “I’d never seen you look at me like that before,” she said. “Like I wasn’t the person you thought I was. I-I couldn’t kill you while you were looking at me like—”

“Like you just shot the guy I love more than most things in this world,” said Jenny, and knew on instinct how to twist the knife. “More than you, definitely.”

Something dark and furious flashed in Lilah’s eyes as she looked first at Jenny, then again at Rupert. “You’re kidding,” she said. “You have got to be fucking kidding me. You told me—you said he was just a friend, and now you’re telling me that—”

“I’ll take your deal, Lilah,” said Jenny, talking over her with an easy smile. God, but it felt good to hurt Lilah back. “We won’t touch Wolfram and Hart cases as long as Rupert and my girls stay safe.”

Lilah raised the gun and took two steps forward, pointing it at Jenny. Her hands were shaking.

“You’re weak,” said Jenny. “You’re a weak lawyer, and a weak asset, and I know that now, and maybe Wolfram and Hart has me over a barrel right now, but someday I’m going to get you and I’m going to rip you to shreds for what you did to the man I love. We got that?”

There was a moment where Jenny wasn’t sure whether or not Lilah would shoot her—and there was a moment where Lilah herself didn’t seem sure either. But then Lilah let the gun drop, pocketing it without finesse, and strode out of the hospital room with uneven, furious steps. Halfway down the hall, she buried her face in her hands and slumped against the wall.

Jenny watched Lilah for one last painful moment, and then she shut the door and turned back to the bed, which was when she saw that Rupert’s eyes were open. Very barely, but he was looking at her with a sort of quiet concern that made her feel like she might shatter into a thousand pieces.

“Jenny,” he said, very quietly, and as though it cost him a lot of effort and energy just to say her name.

Jenny took two clumsy steps forward and collapsed onto the bed next to him, burying her face in his shoulder. Rupert rolled over onto his side and tugged at her waist, as though she couldn’t possibly be close enough to him in that moment, even though she was all but pressing herself against him.

All Jenny was letting herself think about was how comfortingly wonderful it was to be this close to him and know he was alive. She wasn’t thinking about him being shot, or how scary it was to suddenly have so many romantic feelings for him, or the absolute mess that was the situation with Wolfram and Hart, or anything else that might destroy what felt like a terrifyingly breakable moment.

“Oh, darling,” said Rupert into her hair, his voice muffled and shaking. Jenny squeezed her eyes shut and smiled.

The girls arrived again and had similarly explosive reactions to seeing that Rupert was awake. Faith started crying again, Dawn let out a shriek at a decibel only a thirteen-year-old could reach, and Buffy sort of just ran forward and settled herself into Rupert’s other side, half-sobbing “dad dad dad” like a mantra. Rupert looked somewhat overwhelmed.

“It’s family,” said Jenny, who had no intention of ever moving from Rupert’s arms, ever. “You get used to it.”

Rupert smiled a little and rested his chin on the top of her head. Jenny felt a rush of butterflies that threatened to lift her to the ceiling.