#like being raised female i wasnt ever told to man up like a cis man mightve been. so theyve got that complex there

[snobgoblin]

sometimes I'm like "am I egotistical for wanting to push for transmasc rep and positive masculinity in fiction. am i egotistical for trying to push for more masculine representation in things like fairies. am i egotistical for having so many transmasc characters" but then I'm like well everyone's gotta contribute something right and if I don't do anything about these feelings I guess nobody fucking will so it HAS to be me or someone like me that cares. egotistical or not

[tmitransitioning]

I got a whole battery of tests and exams for asking about getting HRT / surgery in a private hospital because they wanted extensive background and they are also a research hospital. Apparently they find it odd I have too many feminine traits like they did a handwriting analyst that identified my writing as feminine +lots of other things, even analysed my speech pattern, also did IQ+mental tests still with results that are feminine traits. Even though I also have huge discomfort affecting my well

2nd well-being and daily life.They are really wondering whether I actually am a man or I just hating serious body image issues and hating the view of women in society. I'm not sure they want to give me trouble or are transphobic but apparently my traits are shared with a lot of cis women who, if started, regretted their transitions because it wasn't actually a trans issue and actually body image and view of women in society they disliked and more needed therapy to learn how to3rd accept being a woman. So they don't want me to be another one of those. I also have below the shoulder hair and said I'd definitely keep it.Can't I both have these views + be actually dysphoric and trans? I have actually thought I wasnt female ever since I was little but they thought it was mostly because I have more male family (even the sitter role was male) thus did not have enough female role models in my early life even though my test results are more on the feminine(4th not received) 5th last. l side. Oh and my uncle has below the shoulder hair and my dad has neck length hair so I still managed to get feminine traits? And also well apparently one of my grandpas was misogynist too and his son/my uncle used to have a history of cheating and sleeping with a bunch of women (I actually have 2 cousins he forced to pay child support on) before he finally settled and said these might help explain my view on women. I think I am starting to ramble on sorry. But any ideas here please?_____

Here’s what i read: Hi, I went to a research hospital and they put me through a bunch of tests for research purposes (as opposed to evidence-based tests). Despite my gender-based discomfort that interferes with my every-day wellbeing, the researchers who are trying to study trans-ness told me they thought I wasn’t masculine enough based on some tests they’re trying to develop.   My scores are similar to an incredible minority of people who have de-transitioned (not accounting for the fact that the majority of people who un-transition actually are transgender but are dissatisfied with living as their true gender due to society’s pressures).   They told me that my appearance isn’t masculine enough to fit the traditional male stereotypes and they attributed my gender feelings to Freudian dislike of the patriarchy due to family stress.  Does that sound pretty close to what you explained to me? you can probably guess how i feel about the researchers at your clinic (fuck them).  I can’t tell you if you’re transgender or not.  

What i can say is this:There is no harm in transitioning and de-transitioning (or un-transitioning) (unless you personally feel harmed by it).  If you’re not confident in your decision, you can choose to transition in only reversible ways until you feel more confident about what is the best decision for you (avoiding HRT or surgery until you know that these will be in your best interest).  Many people NEVER opt for surgery or HRT and that’s a completely valid choice.  

Having long hair is absolutely not a reasonable criterion to say that someone is too feminine, neither is handwriting or speech patterns (both of which are influenced by the type of raising you get and socialization you have up to now: if you’re taught that a person who is AFAB is supposed to have nice handwriting, you generally do work harder at it, similarly, you generally do have greater speech pattern variability  (there have been studies about trans man speech patterns being more similar to cis women and trans women speech patterns being more similar to cis men- where through the process of transition- not hormones alone but resocialization as their true gender- brings the speech tone, quality and patterns into alignment with the true gender.)

sometimes it’s not as simple as “oh i’m definitely trans” or “oh, i’m definitely cis and i just hate the way the patriarchy imposes rules on women” (actually it seldom is).  But if you’re really feeling conflicted, I think it’s best for you to talk to a trans (and nonbinary) friendly therapist.   It sounds like your providers are VERY binary driven, and want to place people in VERY gendered boxes (you must be this masculine to ride).   It makes me have an icky feeling. 

Good luck. 

Mod mayhem

[seungyovn]

How and why did you come out?

i slept on this ask, debating if i wanted to answer it or not.

but i’ve had some coffee and time to process and i feel comfortable sharing it. so this is going to be v long and i am going to put it under a read more. 

but just a warning, there is a massive amount of homophobia and transphobia and just terribleness in general. so please take caution before reading.

alright, so i grew up in a typical white chicago suburb. people think illinois is a democratic state but that is literally just because of the city of chicago. if chicago didnt exist, the state would be read. not to mention the fact that my dad is very conservative politically and my mother was raised in the deep red neck south (her family claims the term and are very proud of their terrible colonist slave owner history. gross i know).

my dad never really made homophobic remarks, at least from what i remember. but it was my mother who would always make a snide comment here or there. and when i was a junior/senior in high school, i befriended a v feminine gay man who worked at the ulta in my hometown. and she would make these homophobic remarks and i would be like uhhhh what about anthony? and she would always go “well he is the exception” and ya know that didn’t make me feel great. 

but even before that, i realized when i was 15 that i was attracted to women. i remember standing in study hall and looking at my best friend smiling at me and my heart started to pound in my chest. and i knew immediately what that meant and i was just like oh fuck, no no no this can’t be happening. 

so i suppressed it. i ignored my growing feelings for women and people who didn’t identify as male or female for a very long time. yet online, i was seeking lgbtq communities and friends. i never posted in them. but i read them. i didn’t really understand why i kept being drawn to that side of the internet until very much later. 

so fast forward to when i was in college. i met my first long-term boyfriend and we dated from when i was 18 to 21. our relationship ended for a lot of reasons. but one of the biggest ones was when i realized that i could no longer hide who i was or who i was attracted to. and i was going to india to study abroad so i just wanted a clean break. i wanted to leave the country and to start over when i came back. 

that trip happened in nov/dec. but it took me until feb to start coming out. i remember sitting on the couch at my mom’s house the day after my birthday and writing up a long text message that i sent to three of my closest friends. i was fucking terrified. i was scared. i knew those people were amazing so i didnt have to worry that much, but it was still exhausting. it was one of the most hidden secrets i’ve ever had and i just remember lying to my mom about why i was crying when my friends sent me back messages of love. 

so after those three friends, i slowly started coming out to everyone around me. my friends at school. my classmates. people i trusted. they were all respectful and knew that i wasnt out to my mother and probably never would be. so they respected my privacy and never posted images of me on social media or tagged me in things that could out me. 

fast forward again to june. i was moving out of the dorms at my uni to my first apartment in chicago. i had been lucky enough to have a job that allowed me to afford rent and i was kind of financially stable, but not enough to actually survive. 

i had gone home to get furniture for my apartment and to get some things from my childhood home. my mom took me to dinner and we were sitting in the diner and she started hounding me with questions about my roommates. asking me if they were gay because they both had short hair. and then she looked at me and asked me if i was gay (she would do this when i didnt show interest in dating). 

and normally i was very quick to deny it. and i would always shoot her down. but this time i was just so fucking exhausted and i felt like i was backed into a corner. so for the first time i couldnt answer her right away. i stuttered. and i dont really remember what exactly i said, but my mother flipped out. she ordered our food to go. stormed out of the diner. and lost her shit on me in the car. 

i stayed the night because at this point i was literally trapped. and she kept going back and forth with apologizing and verbally abusing me. saying how i just want to fit in with my friends. and that i just want my friends to think i am cool and all this other bullshit. 

so i finally get back to my apartment and its ironically chicago pride weekend. so i spend the weekend going to dyke march, parties, going to the parade. surrounding myself with the love and support of my friends. i didnt know at the time but my mother had found my tumblr, my instagram and other forms of social media and had made profiles to stalk me and keep track of me. 

and when she saw i was going to pride she decided that she would out me to everyone. she sent mass emails. texts. facebook statuses. she did everything in her power to humiliate me. all at the same time sending me horrible text messages and e-mails about how she wishes her brain cysts had killed her. how she would rather have cancer than have me as her child. she wished that i got aids from the “orgies” i would be having (i had had one sexual partner at the time). she went after my friends who werent cis. calling them perverts and insane. and that they had all brainwashed me into being this way.

and i was a fucking mess. i cut off all communication. she cut me off financially. my life was in fucking pieces. 

but i had an amazing support system. i had friends that loved me. and helped me. took care of me when i could barely take care of myself. i got to work and couldnt stop fucking sobbing and my manager pulled me aside and asked me what was wrong and i told him. and he just hugged me in the back for like 10 minutes. and told me it was going to be okay. and sent me home to rest.

and if it wasnt for them, i know i wouldnt have survived it. i eventually cut off all contact with my mom and the last time i saw her in person was 2 years later when i went home for a night to get the rest of my stuff.

my dad and i have had a difficult relationship for a lot of reasons, but he and i have been slowly mending our relationship. and he has never said anything to my face about not approving of how i love. my step mom is openly supportive and her nephew is gay and loves him to pieces. so at least i have that to hold onto. 

but yeah, my coming out process wasnt fun. a lot of it was taken away from me. but i will spare some of those details. 

this is really long so if you read this whole thing, damn.

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

[jadedmidnight]

I doubt anyone will ever read this. But I needed to vent and I feel safe here on tumblr....

I grew up with a very anti-LGBTQ+ man who I called dad till I was 13. At about 10 I started going to church. It was one of those females wear dresses and skirts, only men wear pants, no tv cuz its evil kinda churches. Thankfully I started going to a different church and then my current church about 2 yrs later.

This is important because I've always been very tomboyish. And when I hit about 16 I would hate my body because I felt like being called a guy or mistaken for a guy ment I wasnt pretty enough to be a girl. I also struggled with myself because I found myself finding other genders than cis men attractive. I hated myself because I'm only supposed to like guys right? I mean i never downed anyone for likeing other genders but i thought i had to be straight. It's how I was raised. It's what was considered "right" by my family.

I hate to admit it, but when my sister experimented two years ago with females, I was one of the ones who would tease her for ever liking girls. I feel so ashamed about that now. I've apologized so many times for doing that to her. I should have been someone she could come to and feel safe with. I failed as a sister.

When I turned 20 almost a year ago now, I finally realized that I'm beautiful in my own way, my body is different from my model worth sisters. I've always had a bigger frame amd when I gained weight, I loathed my body. But I stopped caring. Unfortunately I still felt insecure about dressing "boyish". And I still felt like I was disgusting for finding other genders attractive. And on top of that, I discovered that while romance interests me, sex doesn't. I felt broken and like a freak in my own family and suffered in silence.

But then I started watching thomas sanders and getting into tumblr. I found myself realizing that I didnt have to present as female all the time. That I didnt mind if people used different pronouns when talking to me anymore because no matter the pronoun, I'm still me! Yeah some days I'm more feminine than others, amd I still mostly go by she her, but if someone came up to me and called me handsome, I'd be just as flattered if they had called me beautiful.

I also realized that I am a gray demisexual (I think, still trying to figure that one out tbh. I know I'm in the ace spectrum though) and am ok with that. Not wanting sexual relations with people is ok. I'm not broken.

The pansexual realization is the newest.... amd the scarest..... I cant come out to my family about being pan. If I told them I found people attractive not by their genders, but by their personality, I'd probably be put down like my sister. And kicked out. I might tell them when I'm financially stable, but not yet.

I dont think I can deal with my family calling me a trend chaser. I dont think I am..... i felt this way all my life. And now I'm finally happy.. is it wrong to feel happy?.....