#like atsushi's politeness and self loathing

[venelona]

I might lack the motivation to see it through, but I really like your dazatsu works, so I was wondering how you motivate yourself to create fanfiction? How do you get into the headspace of the characters?

Motivation is a fickle mistress, it's hard to say what EXACTLY motivates me. I guess the best answer is 'I write the fanfic I wish there was'. The true 'write what you want to read', I am usually really motivated to write something I wish to read so badly - a hole in the market, or a certain concept I wish I could do my way that would cater to all the things I like.

Since I also primarily write shipping fanfics, engaging with canon/fanart/other fanfics on the pair also motivates me greatly. Reminds me of why I like the characters and want to write about them in the first place

I quite like getting into the headspace of the characters, at least those I like a lot, haha. For me, it's always the question of "would this character to this?" - when I think of them doing or saying something, I think back on what I know of the character, if there were similar situations to this one in the canon and try to think what would be the most logical thing for that character to do. Like puzzle pieces - canon gives you puzzle pieces, and you can either arrange them how you want, or see what new pieces can fit to existing ones.

I think just good thing to keep in mind when you writing a character do something is the question of 'why are they doing this'. The why's come from their personality, their past or the circumstances of the story (the events or even the rules of the world)

Also, something that motivates me and I'm very lucky to have - good community! Comments are a wonderful motivation. And the power of friends?? Absolutely amazing. Half my motivation to finish things is solely to talk to my writing friends about it 😂

I'm happy you like my works, thank you so much!

[kyouka-supremacy]

The thing about how Atsushi deals with Akutagawa is. Atsushi has always been terrified of retailing against his oppressors: to him, his oppressors were always in positions of power that he found impossible to rebel against. Akutagawa, on the other hand, was the first person Atsushi met who was socially accepted to fight back against. Akutagawa was presented to him as the big bad guy, everyone's evil enemy. Atsushi's got personal beef with him for how he treated Kyouka (which is very important for Atsushi, because if he never had it within him to stand for himself, at least he can stand for others). The person Atsushi looks up to the most repeatedly and unapologetically mistreats Akutagawa. Then mistreating Akutagawa must be allowed, right?

It's truly remarkable how despite the guess one would take judging from their good side / evil side affilations, more often than not it's Atsushi going for Akutagawa's throat than the other way round. Sure, Akutagawa threatens to kill Atsushi all the time– but that's exactly the point‚ he never actually follows through‚ and his real actions actually end up telling us his intentions are quite the opposite (re: “I won't kill you today because you look miserable” *saves Atsushi's life* *saves Atsushi's life* *dies to save Atsushi's life*). On the contrary, Atsushi's ALWAYS trying to attack Akutagawa both verbally and physically. Remember that time in chapter 51 when Dazai was keeping them separate? Back then, Akutagawa very much wasn't the one actively trying to attack the other. Not to mention the “You fight 'cos you want to be feared– that's far more worthless in my book” and of course the “It's no wonder Dazai-san chose to abandon you and disappear”. There's even the “if a fight is what you want, then I'll take you on” like lmao, of course you will. The thing is, Atsushi has always found it socially acceptable to retail against, loathe, fight and hurt Akutagawa no-guilt-attached like he never had the chance to with any other abuser. Please keep in mind how thanks to Dead Apple we know that the only other time Atsushi ever fought back someone who was hurting him, it was a most instinctive and involuntary reaction that ended up with him killing them and which gave him several trauma and unresolved self-hatred and feeling of guilt for life.

But hurting Akutagawa, that's peer approved. And it sounds quite cruel, and Atsushi is a fundamentally selfish character, yet it must have come off as so refreshing and even liberating for him to finally have someone he can openly hate, someone he could drop the facade of the polite, harmless guy in front of. That's why I can actually find it believable that Atsushi would, very subconsciously, look forward to fight against Akutagawa; as a way to let off steam, you know? A chance to finally stop acting and start behaving like his true self, determined, brave, protective, a bit of a prick. Not to mention, fights against Akutagawa seemingly always end up as a self-esteem boosts for Atsushi in a way or the other. That's why I wonder: if Akutagawa is the only person Atsushi can be himself with, if he's the only one he can act natural around without feeling he has to put up a front for; what about when Atsushi will stop hating him? Which doesn't sound that unlikely, I mean, after chapter 88 and everything. I'm not saying he's going to forgive Akutagawa for everything he's ever done but like... The perception Atsushi has of him must have changed to an extent, his judgement shifted at least a tiny bit. Then, Atsushi will be left with only one person he can freely be himself with, and he doesn't even hate him that much anymore. Just thinking about that.

[yokelish]

Rhetorical.

This is not easy-peasy-lemon-squizzy. This is difficult-fucking-difficult. 

I hate myself for the person I am because my first reaction was “that’s a drag, I don’t remember much of the manga already”. But then I remembered complex human relationships is nyom-nyom-nyom. And so fell in love with working on it more and more as I went. So here you go, @gogolparadise​

Unfortunately, I am one of those people who doesn’t blame Ango for Oda’s death. My blaming scale looks more like this: Gide, Oda, Mori, everyone else. I blame Oda for Oda’s death, mostly. And there’s no denial about who shot Odasaku in the first place. But Ango isn’t blameless. He done fuck up.

I won’t write how and when Dazai sabotaged the airbag, I am sure even he wouldn’t know it either. P L O T. The scene between Ango and Dazai unfolded differently in manga and anime. And I like manga’s version better. I rarely use Japanese respectful suffixes like “san” and “kun”, but here….it’s sorta important.

✏ Fandom: Bungou Stray Dogs ✏ Characters: Dazai Osamu, Ango Sakaguchi  ✏ Word count: 2,166 ✏ Warnings: none? 

Rhetorical.

He couldn’t deny the fact that having a gun in his hand felt distantly pleasant. The power and control that came with the weight in his hand would add more pleasure to it. But the weapon was oddly light compared to his memories of handling one. It wasn’t loaded. A good decision: a smart and safe decision. If Dazai couldn’t trust himself, he could trust in the distrust people have for him. And no one would know that better than someone he once called a friend. The two loyal guard dogs wouldn’t be able to stop him if that’s what he wanted. The resting blade against his neck only sharpened that tiny thrill coursing through his veins. It was bringing up old memories of having his life on the line every other day. The sound of raining shots, the lightning bolt shine of it, the heat of the muzzle afterwards. And the lingering smell of gunpowder. Unloading the gun was the smartest decision his once-friend had ever made. Because Dazai also couldn’t deny the fact that when it was aimed at the back of Ango’s head, it felt invigorating.

“What on earth made you think…” Dazai asked calmly. “…that I had forgiven you?” He didn’t regret asking. The question didn’t need to be answered. There was no need to have a conversation about that part of history. After all, there was too much to forgive, and Dazai didn’t even start on it. But asking had to clearly state where they stand.

“I was the one who cleaned your record when you fled the Mafia. If anything, you are the one who owes me,” Ango replied, unfazed by the threat, and even sounding a little exasperated.

“Alright.” Dazai easily dropped the threat, the aim of the gun, the feeling coursing through his veins. “The gun isn’t loaded. You knew I’d do that.”

A hand was offered to collect the empty weapon. “I am glad you catch on so quickly.” The man in glasses offered a calm, collected smile, with a little amusement traced in the lines of his face. Dazai would roll his eyes at this if the man wasn’t so obviously looking. Credit given where its due, Ango wasn’t slow on the uptake — always deceitfully sharp. But Dazai didn’t appreciate proximity or eye-contact. Least of all he wanted to grow an appreciation for Ango’s quick thinking, stoic and neutral approach, and overall efficiency. He remembered the man from the past too vividly, and separating those images was harder than it should have been. Liar. Traitor.

“If we are not rekindling our old friendship,” Sakaguchi spoke again, more hesitantly this time. “…What do you want?”

How eloquent and bold it was to say that there was something to rekindle between them. When a torch goes out, you look for a fire to light it again. You don’t wet the cloth and chop up the wooden stick. And you sure do not let the torch burn to ashes. If so, there was nothing to rekindle.

With his back to Ango, Dazai allowed himself to smile. The half-masks he knew how to transform and switch seamlessly. His goals were for him to know. Ango would find out soon enough. The bandaged man shifted his smile into a childish grin. “Oooh…” He patted the roof of the car. “You government men drive fine cars, eh?”

The government man graced him with an unamused stare. A sharp look of a man who didn’t want his car touched in such manner. Pity, really, that should be the least of his worries. Government men drive fine cars, but there are many fine cars in this world.

Ex-Mafia rested his elbow on the car if only to gauge a reaction out of the man he once made a mistake to call friend. “Care to go for a drive?” Dazai didn’t regret asking. The question didn’t need to be answered.

Fine cars indeed… For what those government men got those fancy cars Dazai could only guess. “It’s your job to keep those skill-oriented crimes in check, isn’t it? You mustn’t shirk your duty like that.” He spoke leisurely, enjoying, savouring. There was something sickeningly amusing in the ease of the situation. The tension that was visibly lacking in the air. Ango’s safe driving befitting of a good citizen. The calm Dazai couldn’t help but feel. He almost felt guilty about it, too. The calm that comes with the knowledge of what’s to come. And yet, by all canons of the world, it should not be as easy as breathing.

“We have been keeping tabs on the Guild as well,” Ango finally gave a reply fitting for a government man. A limited, careful answer.

Dazai’s interest was piqued by the narrowness of such words. “You knew…and you simply let them be? Do I have that right?” He knew he did. The question didn’t need to be answered. But he didn’t regret asking, he savoured it without guilt.

“Unlike you, Dazai-kun, I believe in an honest day’s work,” Sakaguchi answered evenly, never taking his eyes off the road. “Do you even know what kind of kind of group the Guild is?”

Dazai could guess that this feeling inside him was glee. There was nothing compared to the feeling of knowing and seeing through the deceit of others even if that deceit was a delusion for one’s self. He cared little for the games the government played, he just despised them. He cared not for the power the Guild possessed, he just wanted to beat it.

“Oh my, wait a moment,” the bandaged man said. “This discussion is taking a strange turn.”

“This is politics, Dazai-kun.”

That’s an exceptionally fine carpet word for lies, deception, manipulation, power play and the like. Perhaps, it was a matter of perception, the things one believes in. If perception can stop you from seeing the world upside-down, if it can grant you the vividness of colours and appreciation for abstract, then it surely must be able to install a belief in the greater good.

“…to grant immunity to their members…”

Like Ango believing in an honest day’s work. Or Atsushi believing in his own worthlessness or that saving people will justify his existence. Like Kunikida upholding his ideals stronger than any other man alive.

“…truly, above the law…”

Perhaps, it was all about the installed moral compass within a person. The lines one draws to walk a straight path. Those constructed margins of morality that should never be crossed lest the world changes its meaning or loses it completely. Dazai’s compass had been broken for the longest time, he could admit that much. There were too many bold strokes beyond the margins: crosses, stains, incomprehensible lines made in indifference and irresponsibility.

“…they’re surveilling our little conference even now…”

But, truly, how morally superior is the government handling the bizarre world of skill-users compared to the Mafia? He couldn’t be the one to judge and tell. He couldn’t understand.

“Dazai-kun, start running away. Now.” The urgency in Ango’s voice brought him back to the oncoming reality. Whatever emotions were hidden behind the glasses, Dazai couldn’t press into his memory. The mind was too preoccupied. He pressed back into the seat — a response of his body to the upcoming and unavoidable danger. The thought of dying had never once scared him, but pain, broken bones, and the like — loathed.

“Run, and tell your agents that danger will find them soon —” It didn’t matter what the answer was. There was no need for it.

If there were indeed parallel worlds — an infinite number of possibilities of the current one — then it could be different. In another world, perhaps, it could be different. They could have never met and, thus, never had their past shared. Two perfect strangers to each other — two parallels never meeting. In a different world where the events unfolded differently, where they still met, became friends and met in a bar with, preferably, a similar menu. In a world where he didn’t die, they could remain forever as they were back then. Dazai would feed them his terrible tofu and talks about suicide. They could eat and drink together while sharing nonsensical stories. There would be no guilt or regret. But that would have to be a different world.

In this world, Sakaguchi Ango, a government agent, successfully infiltrated Port Mafia and then Mimic. In this world, Sakaguchi survived in the Mafia and climbed the ranks. In this world, he had successfully pretended to be a friend to Dazai Osamu, youngest Executive in history, and Sakunosuke Oda, the lowest of the ranks. He done so not out of necessity but because he could. In this world, Sakunosuke Oda was dead, killed in confrontation with Mimic. Ango’s betrayal of the Mafia didn’t matter in the least. After all, Dazai had done so too: even he wasn’t such a hypocrite. In this world what mattered was the death of a man who didn’t get to write his novel. In this world, Dazai Osamu wasn’t a better man to forgive. In this world, ex-Mafia held grudges despite knowing the regret of another.

If he were in a different world and was a different human being, he would understand the necessity for the flowers when visiting a hospital. But he wasn’t, and he didn’t really understand it. Nonetheless, he had done it. A man who believes in honest day’s work deserved that much, at least.

“Why, hello there, Ango!” Dazai’s chirpy voice carried through the ward. “How are you doing?” With a bouquet and a basket of consumable goods as visiting protocol dictates. And a bright friendly smile, of course. “Well, you look lovely,” Dazai lied effortlessly, seamlessly. He had done so not out of necessity but because he could. “I have a fine story for you!”

It was in the very same bar where the three of them met that he witnessed it: regret. Sakaguchi Ango, a government agent who infiltrated Port Mafia and climbed the ranks, expressed regret. Perhaps, that alone was the thing that steadied the Executive’s hand. That, and Odasaku’s presence. Unfortunately, there was no more Odasaku to steady the bandaged Executive’s hand. Only the words of a friend now gone to guide this ex-mafioso.

It was much later that Dazai truly saw the guilt behind the round glasses. It’s much easier to recognize guilt in others when experienced. He couldn’t tell if it was cleverly hidden from others or if Ango had hid from himself.

“Thirty-five count murderer?” the bedbound man asked, unsurprised. Dazai was a visitor but he sure wasn’t a good one after eating from the basket. According to him, that’s what he planned. According to everyone else who could be in the room to pass judgement: selfish, inconsiderate, and even mocking. He didn’t do it out of necessity but because he could.

“Murder is murder,” Sakaguchi stated simply. Dazai remained a patient listener despite how easy it would be to probe at wounds unhealed, to uncap the bottled regret, to stir their shared but erased past. He knew full well what murder was. So did Ango. But the thing about murder and death is that it often was accompanied with guilt. And guilt was a disobedient spirit: it didn’t follow you because you murdered, it followed because it could. For all that Ango did, for all the lies and treacherous moves, Dazai knew one thing for sure: in the moment it mattered most he had nothing to offer Odasaku to cling to. In that vital moment all he could offer were pitiful words that wouldn’t even convince a child. If he had to live with the guilt of it, he would.

“…if you seek other help…I’d be glad to do that.”

“Is that so?” Dazai asked, getting up from the chair. That was all he needed to hear. The task was accomplished. “Well, I’ll be back.”

“Dazai-kun.”

That stalled him at the doorway.

“I am accepting your offer of treatment in exchange for support. So just tell me one more thing.” Sakaguchi Ango was deceptively sharp as ever and just as calm. “When we were struck by that mystery vehicle, the airbag on my side alone failed to inflate. Would you happen to know the reason?”

Just as Ango doesn’t put his regret and guilt out on display, Dazai, too, had trick to hide his darkness. If guilt was a disobedient spirit, then darkness was a parasite set on self-destruction.

Oh, he hoped to make his once-friend regret the question. For it would be easy to hide the smile with his back to Ango. It would be equally as easy to switch one smile for another. But there was no need for that. Whatever it was he hid, the other would soon find out. Dazai allowed himself to smile with sincere darkness of his mind and offer it to the man who betrayed him. There was no need for an answer.

[teenitinygod]

Hello, Hello, this is the person who did the last submit. Thank you for the offer but I don’t have a discord account, Idon'thaveanyfriendswhouseittowarrantmakingone.

Although, if you liked my previous submit, I thought you might be interested in hearing me out when it comes to mischaracterization since I didn’t go into detail in my previous submit since that’s a whole rant of its own. I’ll be taking inspiration from neutinya’s haikyuu mischaracterization post but give it a BSD twist. My intention isn’t to call specific people out, I’m simply going off what I’ve seen within the fandom. Which in turn leads to diluting or mischaracterizing a character until they’re nearly unrecognizable or portraying them in a bad light that they don’t deserve. There may be a few tw instances, so you’re free to edit this post as you see fit and add any necessary warnings.

So to begin with. Let’s get the big one out of the way real quick.

- Dazai -

If I had a dollar for every time I’ve seen Dazai being portrayed as nothing more than a twofaced lying bastard, I wouldn’t have to work anymore. Most of these support it by saying that he doesn’t actually trust the ADA since he didn’t tell them about his past and doesn’t inform them of every little thing. Basically, they portray him as being 100% an act who doesn’t care about anyone. And then berate him by saying that they refuse to take his mental health seriously until he’s shown to have a breakdown.

I believe anyone who has suffered from depression or any other kind of mental health issue has felt the need to act happy all the time when in public and then quiet down when they’re alone. That doesn’t make them a fake. They are under no obligation to tell every single thing going across their mind to their friend and that same logic applies to Dazai.

Moreover, we also have to take into consideration Dazai’s past. He simply can’t afford to make himself vulnerable. There’s literally a list of people out for his head. Additionally, of he were to tell everything to the ADA, he would be potentially dragging his new friends into his own mess and put them in unwarranted danger. Sure, the ADA already deals with a lot of dangerous stuff but I doubt he would purposely put them in harms way because of what he would consider his own selfishness.

Now in the terms of romance. A lot of people just mark him as the one who could never be faithful. I believe a romantic relationship with Dazai would be completely trust based. Ergo, a “love at first sight” scenario would definitely lead to it becoming nothing more than a one-time fling. To go off your last Dazai scenario, I actually do believe that if Dazai felt like he was getting too attached to someone, he might try to push them away out of utter self-loathing that he could never give them what they want. Essentially, fearing a scenario like that in No Longer Human where Yozo got together with Yoshiko and she ended up getting raped because of his involvement with her.

Atsushi isn’t just a crybaby. He’s brave simply because of the fact that he’s willing to do his best despite his fear. Moreover, his initial fear of being seen as a burden to the ADA is completely valid when you take into consideration his past treatment. A lot treat him as dull and boring character and go on about preferring his Beast counterpart. It’s fine to have a preference but I don’t think this is a reason to hate on him since the point of Beast was to elaborate on how alike Atsushi and Akutagawa are by putting them in the other’s shoes. And we see in even Beast, Atsushi is just the ultimate good boy cinnamonroll.

In romance, I keep seeing him being forced to portray the badboy roll and being just terrible to whoever is his partner within the story. Do people really think that he would so much as even consider berating his partner after all he’s been through?

- Kunikida -

He isn’t just some emotionless asshole. He cares. He’s just doesn’t show it in the most conventional way some are used to. Perhaps this is because the anime caused confusion by changing the time setting of the Azure Disciple event— But within the novel you can tell that he cares for and eventually starts to think highly of Dazai as the story progresses. He doesn’t express it since Dazai would tease him to the ends of the earth. But there were moments like in the embassy in which he mentally admired how talented he was. Or how elaborated that his way of knowing when something was wrong with Dazai was when he starts acting “normal”. As the novel put it, basically, weird is normal for Dazai while normal is weird. So when Dazai starts acting “normal” that’s his way of knowing that something is up.

In terms of romance… I swear I want to fight someone. The majority of Kunikida content I find usually involves him be pedophilic by having this thing for schoolgirls or just has whoever is his partner constant cry at him that he doesn’t love them since he doesn’t show his affection the conventional way. Then, the story goes on about how the partner keeps trying to change them. For starters. There is nothing wrong with having the thought of an ideal partner. Most of have twisted the idea of him having an ideal partner as him having this list of physical traits he wants them to have or some crap like that. Do people really think he’s that shallow? Having an ideal partner just means that you know what you want in a partner. Like how they treat you, if they’re neat and polite, etc. Moreover, we’ve seen time and time again that despite what he says, Kunikida is still willing to bend a little. Obviously he will hold his ground if you berate his ideals. But it’s possible to change his mind if you respect his ideals and offer alternatives and are willing to work with him.

- Chuuya -

Look. I don’t care what you ship. But Chuuya is way more than just that one guy who is constantly yelling about Dazai. He has every right to be portrayed as his own character without the need to involve Dazai around the line.

He may be angry when Dazai is involved but he’s the nicest grump you’ll ever see towards everyone else. In the spin-off novel, there’s a scene where he talks to Tsujimura, for example. He still kept this badass aura but spoke to her with the dignity and presence of a respectable mafia executive. Moreover, I noticed this why checking. Kyouko really did make sure he drank his respect-women dose every day since I noticed he never actually curses at female characters. With the Tsujimura scene, for example, he kept his usual rude speech but didn’t start to actually curse until Ango was brought up. With the battle against Yosano, he never pulled the “oh, you’re just a woman” crap when they appeared.

In the terms of romance. I swear I feel the need to break someone’s nico-nico-kneecaps for the outrageous amount of fics I find with Chuuya straight up raping his partner. Like, the man didn’t even want to fight against his sheep friends when they literally and figuratively stabbed in him in the back. It’s hard for me to imagine him as someone who wouldn’t treat his partner with the utmost respect in the world.

- Higuchi -

People seriously need to stop hating on her just ‘cause she’s “getting in the way of ships.” The gal clearly cares about Akutagawa and I don’t think it’s fair to hate on her just because of that. On that note, the whole idea of hating on female characters under the pretext of them getting in the way of ships seriously needs to stop. The fact that a female character cares for a guy, be it romantically or not, isn’t an excuse to antagonize them and treat them as an eyesore. She’s funny, she’s goofy, She’s just an ordinary lady who might be momentarily blinded by affection and get carried away. Which surely must happen to anyone who has experienced some kind of crush.

In the terms of romance. I haven’t read much fics with Higuchi as the main love interest. However, I have seen the AkutawagaxSomeoneElse types who just blatantly portray Higuchi as this terrible and wicked woman who is trying to ruin Akutagawa’s partner’s life. Sure, Higuchi may be heartbroken that she couldn’t be the chosen one but I doubt she would stoop as low as to ruin Akutagawa’s potential happiness. The most she would do is perhaps investigate if they’re a spy who intends to harm or use him.

- Yosano -

She’s a strong independent woman, enough said. I feel like a lot of people interpret her dislike for weak men as her either disliking physically weak men or disliking men altogether. Naturally, a strong woman would want and deserve someone who is equally as badass as them. So what I interpret her saying when she says she dislikes weak men is that she dislikes mentally weak men who bend over backwards easily and men who are so petty that they feel the need to look down on women just because of the fact that they’re a woman. The anime did her dirty by sexualizing her during her first introduction. We all know that one scene where she strips off her shirt before treating Tanizaki. Heck, I remember when I first saw that scene without knowing much about BSD I legit thought her healing ability involved her having sex with the guys. It was only until I read the manga some time later that I realized that wasn’t the case.

In the terms of romance. Again, she has every right to have someone as strong as herself. A badass would want someone who is just as badass standing as their partner. Moreover, I haven’t seen it to the degree as Higuchi’s case but I have seen the occasional hate on her under the pretext that she’s getting in the way of ships. To which I say again: We seriously need to stop antagonizing female characters who so much as exist in the same panel as a male character that’s involved in a popular fandom ship.

——–

Well then. Those were the most prominent ones that came to mind, so I surely left out some characters who have been mischaracterized just as badly.

Thank you for your time.

Ok quickly, our discord (dazai simps) is open to having you. We love new friends and meeting people, so an open invite is available.  i couldn’t agree with you more- i hate how Dazai is portrayed sometimes, his emotions are complex and he’s not as simple as an angsty suicidal flirt. Especially went the reader comes into the picture and it turns into a “love at first sight” thing. They may be fictional characters but i care that the characters i write for are as close to accurate as i can

I’ll go deeper into this later but i agree

Also I love when you send me these, i love reading them and you’re so sweet <3

[kyouka-supremacy]

I really wanted to make a Fukuchi meta after the last chapter but haven't found time until now because of exams so. here we go! The pace at which the manga events are proceeding is dreadingly slow, but if we take the last plotline in its entirety I feel like it makes for a very interesting one!! I find Fukuchi's character quite compelling, and I believe the last chapter was a very neat exposition of it.

So, last chapters. Fukuchi and Fukuzawa fight. Fukuchi's true motives are brought up. Fukuchi tells Fukuzawa to take a guess; Fukuzawa guesses wrong. And yet I find Fukuzawa's answer, although mistaken, so so useful to understand his very character!! Instead of revealing Fukuchi's true intentions, it ended up speaking lengths of Fukuzawa's own nature. Fukuzawa's answer ended up being, very unconsciously, all about himself.

His explanation starts with him mentioning himself: I refused to go with you, and that caused you to experience the horrors of the battlefield alone. It ends with himself: you targeting the detective agency must be a punishment against me, for betraying you. And it's so deliciously logical, so satisfying to read, because of course Fukuzawa, for how he is, would believe that! Because lies in Fukuzawa this unspoken thinking of himself as horrible, someone kin to make others suffer; someone that has to constantly redeem himself, someone that is cause of plenty of wrongs. Of course he would blame himself for that too! In Fukuzawa's own narration of events as it's shown in chapter 104.5, the world leaders' responsibility in the war almost falls on the background: he's so blinded by that suppressed self-loathing¹ that he's unavoidably going to believe even Fukuchi's evil plan to end human kind is, ultimately, his fault.

But it's not. I may be wrong here, but I don't think Fukuchi is actually that enraged at Fukuzawa as he believes him to be. A little resentful, sure, but I also like to think their meeting in chapter 71 was... Sincerely friendly? Maybe I'm delusional - after all, Fukuchi was still playing the role of the “good supersoldier savior of humanity” there -, but I think Fukuchi's offer to help Fukuzawa was genuine, and that Fukuchi cares about Fukuzawa; not as much as to give up on his goal, but still cares for him. After all, Fukuzawa played no role in the deaths of all the war victims (in fact, he contributed making the war end as the Silver Wolf), and Fukuchi knows that; if anyone, he'd truly resent the world leaders who uselessly watched soldiers die taking no real action to make the war end².

And one last point but, retroactively, for Fukuzawa to think Fukuchi's plan is all a big revenge taking place mostly against him is short to ridiculous: if that was the case, he would have just tried to kill him and him alone. But I think something here could be said about how a man's ego can be really big even in the believing everything is their own fault /////

So, what is Fukuchi's true motive? Funnily enough, that was Ranpo's first question after it's revealed Fukuchi was the big evil behind everything:

The thing is, I feel like we have enough material to take a politely good guess at what it is– or at least one has, if they use to read chapters 83-88 compulsively. These panels sound close to an answer themselves alone, don't they?

Fukuchi wants to end all nations. He doesn't want to end all nations for the sake of it, but because he wants to end all wars, and the two things are deeply interconnected. Ultimately: Fukuchi wants to rewrite a world where there's no nations, nor war, in a way ending the world they are currently living in.

When Atsushi is questioning Fukuchi on why he keeps inflicting violence, he asks: “did you suffer severe torture from your enemies?” (chapter 85). What he doesn't understand is that Fukuchi doesn't resent a single enemy like him and Fukuzawa thought, but the war phenomenon itself. He wants to end all wars. He wants to end all nations. He wants to end a world that was built on them.

Once again, I think Fukuzawa, in his own “it's all my fault” view of events, ended up misunderstanding Fukuchi. Fukuchi isn't enraged; he's tired. It's consistently shown in all of his scenes; Fukuchi is exhausted. He's tired of people dying and of making people die. He wants to end the torture, end the suffering, end the endless war.

(Fun fact as a side note, but Teruko also says, in chapter 103.5, “to go through the task of tearing off your limbs one by one, by force... I'm much too tired”, which makes a very interesting echo to Fukuchi's words. As of the current manga events I do think Teruko and Fukuchi's ideals align to a large extent, and she's willing to accept the destruction of the world because she agrees with him– I just find this another little thing in which Teruko and Fukuchi are similar and is perhaps telling of them having shared similar experiences, too tired of the torture they themselves were perpetrators of.)

I don't know, I definitely lack the confidence to call this a theory pffftttt. But I think it could be a coherent outcome given what has been previously established about Fukuchi's character! As well as explaining how Dostoyevsky seemingly sides with Fukuchi, having them share the goal of “cleansing the world from evil and sin” (if Dostoyevsky is truly siding with him, that is).

I believe both Atsushi and Teruko's reactions as shown in chapter 104.5 are in line with it too:

Atsushi is, as Teruko had anticipated the chapter before, entirely frozen with indecision– would he ever find it in him to stop the ending of all wars? But would he stay still allowing the end of the world as they know it? And Teruko's expressions too: she's sad, sorrowful, but determinated; she knows it's the highest possible price, but she also believes it's a price worth paying.

When push comes to shove, I'm fairly confident Atsushi is probably going to stand up and intervene to defend humanity for its flaws over rewriting a perfect world; after all, “In the past I would never regret anything I had done. I only felt a constant regret for the things I had never done.” Maybe he'll even step in to save Fukuzawa? But we shall see, I'm probably being too hopeful ahah.

¹ Which isn't really self-loathing, but calling that for the simplicity of the term; more than hating himself, it's an objective acknowledgement, according to Fukuzawa's perception of himself, that he's not a good natured person, and he must face the consequences of that)

² Again that might be nothing more of a delusional headcanon though: in chapter 83 Fukuchi does say “[Fukuzawa's] friend? // Yes... // Of course I am... // ... Or at least I was, until a certain time.”, implying that perhaps they aren't friends anymore.