#like apparently it's best to do the side content before sequence 8 for some reason

[foxstens]

at 51 hours... not much left to do

[a-nerd-obsessed]

Yet Another Long, Unnecessary, and Obvious Star Wars Trailer Breakdown (Read: Fangirl Blathering) that Literally No One Asked For

Yup. I’m doing it again.

(My other breakdown for the first trailer is here.)

So this time we start with Rey in training mode. Apparently, she’s following Obi-Wan’s training regimen by using that remote that Finn found on the Falcon in TFA and the helmet with the blast shield that Luke used in ANH. 

But something happened to call her away, which is why she drops everything (except the lightsaber, thank goodness) and starts running through the jungle. I assume she’s headed back to the Resistance base of operations, which we see more of later in the trailer. 

Is it too much to assume this might be Endor’s forest moon? That would connect with the Death Star wreckage and how they end up on the Death Star.

Then we’re on the Death Star, with Rey jumping across a chasm, one that I believe is the same where the Emperor fell to his “death” in ROTJ. Behind her you can see the turbolift where Luke and Vader arrived before approaching the Emperor, which would mean she’s looking towards his throne.

Finn’s been giving the voice over thus far, speaking about how “the Force brought us together.” The shot we get of him looks to be from the planet where the Knights of Ren will be making an appearance, along with the chase scene from the first trailer, and the ultra-awesome TIE Fighter FlipTM.

What’s he looking at? No idea. Wouldn’t it be hilarious if he’s looking at Kylo’s TIE Whisper with Rey riding on the back and he’s just like... wtf?

More running Rey... presumably a continuation of the previous shot

And we get more Lando!!! I don’t know about you, but I can’t wait to see what they have in store for Lando’s part in this film. Again, we haven’t got much of anything, but based on the way this scene is set up, it looks like he just showed up at the Resistance’s base. Everyone knows who he is, of course, and they all turn out to see the old Rebellion hero.

We’re not alone

From Poe’s voice over and the visual we see here, I think Lando’s going to bring something to the Resistance - a game changer. I mean, besides himself.

I’ve said it before, and I’ll say it again. Lando Calrissian = the best part of the Solo movie. And let’s be real, I’ll take any more Lando content I can get.

And then we see Rose, looking tired and burnt out. Behind her, Connix doesn’t look much better. Also, shit’s going down in the background. It looks like the base is being attacked and they’re having to evacuate. 

But wow, I really hope that we get more of Rose’s character arc. Along with Finn and Poe, they’re the ones who grew the most in TLJ. Rose didn’t have a lot of confidence at the start of the last movie, but she became stronger by the end. And of course it’ll be interesting to see how they choose to proceed with her and Finn’s relationship.

And then it’s my boys!!!

Good people will fight if we lead them

I don’t know if this is a line Poe actually says in the movie, but I like that they chose him to say it. He’s been learning this whole time how to be a leader and I think we’re going to see that growth come to fruition here. Not that he can’t do a bunch of crazy stuff or get in trouble (because goshdarnit I freaking love that) but he’ll be more aware of the consequences for the people he’s leading.

Also, what are they looking at? Maybe it’s Rey busting out of the jungle because she knows they’re in trouble. I’m not 100% sure this is connected to the earlier bits with the base getting attacked but the guys in the background look like they’re trying to get outta there ASAP. 

The next shot appears to be some sort of Resistance transport taking off... or landing... or crashing. Still I feel like the theme is we gotta go.. 

AND THEN WE GET THIS

People keep telling me they know me...

...no one does

But I do

*SIMULTANEOUSLY COMBUSTS AND ACHIEVES NIRVANA*

This. Is everything.

Like, who needs the movie?

Just kidding. I do. Desperately.

But guys, this is exactly it: they are the only ones who know what the other person is going through, understand where they’ve come from, and seen where they’re going. 

This is going to sound cliché and dramatic af, but their fates are intertwined. They are going to bring balance to the Force. Like, that’s fact at this point. Don’t @ me.

Next we see TIE fighters coming up on this icy island, which appears to be free-floating? I don’t know if it’s orbiting a planet or if it’s by itself in space, but it’s not a reflection over water like I thought the first time I saw the trailer. 

Again I’m assuming it’s that same icy, mountainous city we saw in the first trailer where our Resistance heroes are going to meet up with Zori Bliss (who we also see later for the first time live!) And it seems they’re going to be rousted from here as well as the jungle planet where their base was located - the First Order is closing in.

Long have I waited...

Okay, Palps. We get it. Your throne is super menacing. We know you’re all creepy and evil. Let’s just hope that Rey and Kylo kill him for good this time. Although as Luke says, no ones ever really gone... so yeah.

This Star Destroyer is breaking out of the ice somewhere - so maybe Palpatine pulled a Steve Rogers and went into deep freeze for a few decades?

(And yeah I’m pretty sure it’s ice, people, not water - I’ve watched it in slo-mo SEVERAL TIMES OKAY)

*insert March of the Resistance*

The Millennium Falcon!!!

You know what I might miss the most about the saga ending? This old ship. Okay, not really, but it is very near and dear to my heart.

Ok, pause for a second with me. Can you imagine this: 

Versus this?!?

Like, HELL YES. This is the ultimate showdown, baby! BRING IT ON!

I like how the Resistance’s side is a bunch of random ships as compared to the First Order. I’d like to think that this is an Avengers: Endgame style battle where literally EVERYONE shows up, even if they’re not in the Resistance. They just know that Palpatine/First Order is the ultimate evil that needs to be taken down at all cost and risk to self.

Anyway...

...and now your coming together...

Interesting that they chose to impose Palpatine’s words over both our classic heroes together in the Falcon and over Rey and Kylo “fighting.” I say “fighting” because are they really opponents? Really? Not in this story. Obviously they’re not yet on the same page, but their relationship been a rollercoaster thus far and I feel like we’ve got some abrupt twists still to come.

Something goes boom. No idea what, but with a Star Destroyer lurking in the background, something sinister is afoot.

Poe to the rescue!! Is there someone else in there? I can’t see for sure, but he’s headed to the Death Star, where we know Kylo and Rey end up at some point. 

Then they give us this HEART-WRENCHING SCENE of C-3PO saying goodbye to his friends?!?! Like, what does this mean? Without context, we can’t be sure, but it sounds like he’s going away - permanently. I never expected it - which is great for plot - but I don’t know what to think about this.

Also could be a total red herring. He could be risking his life and he’s saying goodbye just in case. Or he’s getting a reboot - maybe he knows too much, or maybe forgot something when his memory was wiped in ROTS and he needs to remember. I literally have no idea, but even D-0 looks concerned. (I love him already)

Also note Zori Bliss in the left corner of this shot! I cannot WAIT to know what her role is going to be in this story. And we can tell they’re where they first meet up with her in the snowy city because they’re all wearing thick insulated gear. So I feel like this would be earlier in the film...?

CHEWIE!!!

This guy’s gone through so much. Please just give us Ben Solo redeemed just for his sake.

Chewie’s had so much practice running through corridors taking out stormtroopers. Hopefully this is the last time...

UGH MY HEART.

Every time.

Now with more footage of the Resistance’s jungle base and their evacuation... why are they hugging here? Is Leia staying behind? Are they splitting up? Rey has clearly become close to Leia, which I’m thrilled by. I’m curious to see how they play this. 

We don’t see much of Pasaana in this trailer, but we do find out who threw up that smokescreen for our Resistance friends during the chase sequence. BB-8 is a trouble-maker. Honestly he’s worse than Poe, but he doesn’t get the proper fear he’s due because he’s just so gosh darn adorable. And with everyone encouraging him, he’s not liable to get better.

Of course we can’t have Lando in this movie without having him pilot the Falcon. I kind of love that even though it’s Han’s ship (sorry Lando) everyone has some kind of connection to this old freighter. Again, I love the Falcon.

Then we see a Y-wing taking on a Star Destroyer, with more in the background. Part of that epic showdown?

Finn has joined with Jannah, another new (female!) character that I can’t wait to meet. They’re mounted on charging orbaks, which are from Pasaana. Does the final showdown take place in the sky above the desert planet? Is this part of the emergence of that Star Destroyer from the ice?

Cut back to the Death Star wreckage, where Kylo and Rey are facing off - note Kylo’s saber isn’t lit. Rey doesn’t trust him for obvious reasons (cough, cough, failed proposal in the throne room).

My gut instinct says they didn’t know the other was coming here. But something drew them both here - maybe this is Palpatine’s influence bringing them together.

Or is this a Force bond vision? Is the bond still a player in this chapter?

Back to the outside - Finn runs up and calls Rey’s name, probably interrupting their duel. As much as I’d like it, I feel like the alignment of Kylo and Rey’s objectives doesn’t happen until Pasaana - and yeah I’m kind of putting the events of Pasaana after the Death Star. Do I have solid evidence for this? Nope. Just my current interpretation of the absolute lack of plot we can get from the footage we have so far. 

That said, I have no idea where this shattering of the Dark Side artifact would fit in. But yes they’re working together here. They’re very clearly attacking the ugly black thing (it looks a lot like Vader’s mask again) and not each other based on their stance and movement. 

Also, theory time: 

We’ve seen dark Rey in the previous trailer. She seems very rigid and emotionless - like a vision, perhaps, not a flesh-and-blood Darksider.

IWe also see this shot of Rey at the end of the trailer:

She’s also pretty emotionless, and the background is out of focus. This could be from another segment of Kylo’s (or Rey’s?) vision. With them shattering the Dark artifact together... could it be them breaking free of the trance? We never see this location in any of the other footage. This could be a part of the vision, too.

Back to the trailer sequence: We see more of the Resistance heroes and that (final?) battle. This just points out that they’re in some kind of atmosphere if Finn and Co. are running along the outside of a Star Destroyer. 

Back on the Death Star: Kylo’s intense gaze that communicates so much. 

We can’t see what he sees, but it’s like every other time he looks at Rey - he knows what he wants. It liquidizes my mind every time. 

And then OMG JUST DIE ALREADY PALPATINE. NOBODY LIKES YOU.

Kylo better figure out whatever is keeping him from helping Rey out and get his butt over there. Only together can they do this.

The Force will be with you

Always

Interesting how they give us almost no plot that we had already, huh? And I like it that way. 

We don’t see Hux or the Knights of Ren at all - which is a significant omission.

I have an idea of the sequence of what I think is going to happen, but honestly I’m probably all wrong. Still I trust them to finish the saga in a satisfying way. 

What are your thoughts on the trailer?

[kateofthecanals]

Thoughts on The Last Jedi

Chock full o’ spoilers under the cut, which I have divided into stuff I liked and stuff I didn’t like, so it’s not ALL bad, lol.

Please note, though, that these are my impressions after only one viewing. I definitely need to see it again (and I will soon), and I’ll be reading everyone else’s posts and meta (good and bad), so my feelings might change...

Until then...

*deep sigh*

Okay, so, my chief problem with this movie is that the first 2/3 of it basically turned out to be pointless. There was all this terrific setup and seeding -- like, literally, those scenes between Rey and Kylo were plucked right out of my fantasies and headcanons over the past 2 years -- but then in the last 30-40 minutes it was like “oh haha just kidding!” and we ended up in the same place we were at the end of TFA. The characters didn’t actually evolve. They went through ALL that but just seemed to ultimately decide that they were better off where they were before. Nothing ultimately mattered -- the Force bond, the hand touch, Snoke’s murder, the team-up in the throne room, the revelation of Rey’s parents, etc... What did that actually accomplish if Kylo was just gonna go right back on his bullshit and Rey was gonna go right back to the Resistance like nothing even happened?

Breaking down more specific things below...

STUFF I LIKED:

- As I said, those early scenes between Rey and Kylo, feeling out their Force-bond, were terrific. Everything I had been hoping for. FORCE-BOND CONFIRMED!

- The Hand Touch scene omigaawwwwd. It was basically Force-sex, complete with Force-gasm. The way it was filmed, the insinuation was preeeeetty clear -- the soft, warm lighting, the fact that Kylo took off his glove so as to facilitate SKIN-TO-SKIN contact, the EXTREME CLOSE-UP of their fingertips where you could see their fingerprints, the little gasp Rey let out.... It was the hottest, most sexually-intense scene I could have imagined without any actual sex being involved. Very clever of Rian, considering this is a Disney movie and whatnot. Too bad they got caught by lame Uncle Luke! ;-P

- 8-PACK CONFIRMED!!! I actually saw a post about this scene prior to the movie but I thought it was just a JOKE. I cannot believe they actually did that, I was laughing so hard. Primarily because you just KNOW Kylo did that shit on purpose, thinking to himself “Hmmm, what can I do to Seduce Her To The Dark Side...? Why, she’ll never be able to resist my SWEET PECS!” Like... bro... stop. LMAO. Anyway, I appreciate the catering to the female gaze. ;-)

- R.I.P. Rey Skywalker and Rey Solo. Can we please move on now? (Though a friend did say he suspected the revelation of Rey’s parents wasn’t actually true, but, like, she was the one who confirmed it, so why wouldn’t you believe it???)

- R.I.P. Finnrey? Between Rose smooching Finn, and Rey grinning as she watched Finn hold vigil over injured Rose, I think we can say yes. Or maybe we’re just being trolled here too...

- The team-up in the throne room made me soooo happy; even the other people in the theatre were cheering. I’d LIKE to think that this is foreshadowing a future partnership of some sort between them, but... 

- The fact that, after learning the truth about Kylo, Rey insisted on calling him Ben. He seemed really affected by that too. Well, for a little while anyway...

- PORGS, GLORIOUS PORGS! I just wish there had been more of them, LOL. But I’m sure Rian wanted to use them sparingly so they wouldn’t wear out their welcome, so he achieved that at least. 

- I think I’m content with how Luke’s story was resolved. I have to ponder it some more before reaching solid conclusions, but he went on his own terms, which I think is the best we could have hoped for. And we can be sure there will be tons of Luke Force-Ghost action in Episode 9, lol.

- When Rey and Kylo had hand-sex, she saw Kylo becoming Ben again, and Kylo saw himself and Rey ruling the Galaxy side-by-side. I don’t think those were mutually exclusive visions of the future -- if this trilogy is all about finding Balance, then I think that the truth of those visions (filtered and interpreted between two very disparate perceptions) will meet somewhere in the middle. My headcanon endgame for Reylo has always been Rey and Ben becoming Gray Jedi and teaming up to “rule” the Galaxy from a position of that ever-coveted Balance, so I think that is what those visions could be hinting at. At least, I’d like to think so, but those last 30-40 minutes gave me major reservations...

- So, I’m putting this one under Stuff I Like but it’s not something I really liked or disliked, I just thought it was a bizarre choice, and that was this sudden playing of Hux strictly for laughs. Like, yeah, in TFA, he was a great source of comedy for myself and others (#coasters), but the whole reason he was so funny was because of how utterly seriously he (and the film) took himself. But then he became somewhat of a caricature of himself in TLJ -- like an SNL sketch version of Hux. I mean, I enjoyed it and was entertained, but it was just an odd choice to me.

STUFF I DIDN’T LIKE:

- The turning point for me, going from “YES YES YES!” to “oh...” was immediately after the team-up in the throne room, when I quickly realized that Kylo didn’t kill Snoke because he suddenly “woke up”, and he didn’t do it for Rey... he did it so that HE could be the HBIC. He didn’t change at all. His ambitions only became amplified.

- I was really bummed when Snoke “revealed” that he was the one who facilitated the Force-bond between Kylo and Rey, but I was relieved to see this wasn’t the case after all at the end when Kylo and Rey had that one last Force-encounter. But again, what was this actually worth in the end? She closed the door on him. It was established in this film, via Luke, that a Force user can close themselves off to the Force. Who’s to say Rey won’t do the same to Kylo? That she will find a way to cut him off completely? There’s literally nothing stopping her, because she has clearly given up on him...

- ... as has everyone else. And with good reason, tbh. The moment Kylo threw Rey under the bus for Snoke’s death, declared himself new Supreme Leader, and went fucking buckwild on Luke, I knew all hope for redemption was gone. Even Leia was like, “nope, I was wrong, he’s lost for good.” Basically what I got out of this movie was, Rey and Kylo “flirt” with the other sides of the Force for a hot second but then just ultimately decide that they belong where they were in the first place. Gee wow what awesome character development...

- The revelation of Rey’s parents was just so... banal. I felt like this was thrown in there just to put the question to rest, without any additional thought or exploration, even though that was made such a HUGE deal of in TFA. But, nah, they were “nobodies”, end of story, case closed, that’s all she wrote. It was never even explained how Kylo knew about Rey’s parents!!

- I’ve seen people claim that this movie “shuts down” anti arguments for good and that is simply not the case. There is still plenty of ammo from this movie they can use, chief among them Kylo’s cringeworthy statement to Rey that “You’re nobody. But not to me.” Oh great, I can see the Discourse already... reeeaaaally wish Rian hadn’t thrown fuel on the fire like that, but here we are. I mean, there’s some degree of justification in that (a) Kylo can’t people and this was the only way he could think to convince Rey to stay with him by playing off her one biggest weak spot, and (b) he’s perpetuating the cycle of abuse tactics instilled in him by Snoke, but NEITHER ONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE GOOD EXCUSES. Like, okay Kylo, it’s lovely that she means something to you, but telling her that YOU are the only one who sees something special in her is a dick move for sure. (Basically, the scene felt like the Blackwater to me, with Kylo trying to implore Rey to come with him, she refusing, and him just flipping the fuck out on her... YA BLEW IT, SON! Hopefully, though, like Sandor, Kylo will realize that, if he REALLY wants to be with Rey, he has to become a better man... that HE has to change for HER and not the other way around... But I am not hopeful this is a direction Lucasfilm will ultimately decide to take.)

- I’m glad everyone’s happy that Kylo didn’t actually KILL Leia (which I knew he wouldn’t) but I dunno how many brownie points he gets considering he still let those other fighters take her out... I mean, she SHOULD have died, but apparently she’s from Krypton or something? LOL... But anyway, I mean, he may have not known that those other fighters were around him, but he still could have done SOMETHING, but he didn’t.

- And he barely even flinched when Snoke was torturing Rey. You’d think that, I don’t know, since they have a Force-bond and everything, that he would have been able to feel her pain or something???

- During Kylo’s attack on Crait, at a certain point (around the time Luke shows up), Rey just, like, disappears, completely, and doesn’t show up again until the very end to do her rock-lifting trick. Firstly, where the hell was she that whole time, but more importantly, wouldn’t it have been kind of awesome if, like, she could sense what was happening between Kylo and Luke and using their Force-bond try to talk him out of it? And see him actually STRUGGLE with it because he’s still torn between wanting to be with her and wanting to be the Big Bad? Buuuut no, because at that point, both their minds were made up, and Rey had given up on him anyway.

- On a more technical level, I was really disappointed by how the Force-bond sequences were filmed. I expected way more from Rian Johnson; this was something any first-year film student could have come up with. Now, I’m not claiming to be “better than Rian Johnson”, but in my headcanons of Rey and Kylo’s Force-conversations, there was a noticeable atmospheric shift -- some sort of visual cue that something “different” was going on... Instead of just this basic cutting back and forth between them in their respective locales. Meh.

- I didn’t find Rose that memorable, sorry. And her whole mission with Finn, much like the Kylo/Rey storyline, ended up being completely pointless, thanks to Admiral Holdo needlessly keeping vital info about her plans from Poe. WHY??? All of it was just an elaborate excuse to send Finn off on another adventure where he would end up back with the First Order so he could finish off Phasma, period. Like, yeah, there was that little hint at the very end that those kids who took care of the fathiers would, like, have something to do with the Resistance in the next movie, but honestly that could have just been a little meta commentary about how kids have been inspired by the Star Wars franchise over these past 40 years. Which is nice and all, but Finn and Rose’s mission was still pointless.

- Same with Holdo. So here’s this lady who just shows up out of nowhere, keeps vital information from Poe for no good goddamn reason, thereby forcing him to come up with his own plan and send Finn & Rose on a wild goose chase, and then suddenly we’re supposed to buy this close, intimate relationship she has with Leia so that we’ll feel all wistful when she decides to go on a suicide mission to protect the Resistance?? That should have been Leia, tbh... and not just for cheap emotional impact. At that point, Leia believed both the cause and her son to be lost and really had nothing else to lose at that point, and it would have been well within her personality to take out as many motherfuckers as she could to go down with her. Holdo should have been set up as Leia’s heir apparent going forward, and Leia going all kamikaze on the First Order would have been an interesting parallel to Luke also sacrificing himself to protect the ones he loved. AND it would have solved the whole issue of how to move forward in the story after Carrie’s death. I mean, we know that Leia was supposed to play a big part in Episode 9, but we’ll never know what that was supposed to be anyway...

Okay so those are the just the things on the forefront of my mind today. I might think of some more, and like I said at the top, my opinions on these might change... and y’all are free to try to change my mind. ;-)

No but seriously, very anxious to hear other people’s opinions!

[zdbztumble]

I HAVE WATCHED THEM ALL!

And ranked them all, from favorite to least! (Three guesses as to what’s #1, given what 97% of the content on this blog is concerned with.)

1. Revelation Lugia: At no point was there any competition for the top slot. Crisp art direction, an appropriately epic scale to the design and the staging of action, a gorgeous musical score (the dub surpassed the original on this point IMO), the best editing and pacing out of any of these movies, and a well-constructed plot that’s simple without being simplistic all speak well for it. But the real selling point for this film is the character work. The CotDs are engaging and play a vital role in the plot without overtaking it. This is the TRio’s finest hour to date IMO. Tracey may be along for the ride (as he often was in the show), but Misty enjoys the best role a travelling companion has gotten to date, and Ash is saddled with his greatest challenge ever (to my knowledge, anyway; I’ve got a hell of a lot of episodes to go in catching up on the series, but it’s hard to top “save the world by yourself because Prophecy.”) And this and the next entry on this list are the only two films where I felt that Ash (and Misty, in this case), more than just experiencing another adventure, actually grew as characters. Not that Johto or the later series built on that growth, but in this show, I’ll take what I can get.

...And, yeah, the pokeshipping doesn’t hurt its rating either.

2. Lucario and the Mystery of Mew: Again, it’s all about the character work here. This is the only other time that Ash seemed to grow, through his relationship with Lucario and his discovery of his Aura (and, in a way, it’s more of a shame that the show never built on this than it is that they never built on Ash and Misty’s growth after Lugia, when you consider that the staff wrote themselves a golden opportunity to do so in DP!) His “this time, it’s personal” goal of saving Pikachu and the parallels between himself and Sir Aaron also serve to enrich his role in a way most of the other pokefilms don’t even attempt. Lucario is the most compelling and dimensional of the movie-featured Pokemon since Mewtwo. Mew is absolutely adorable. The art direction is beautiful, and it’s scope and ambition are appropriate for the high fantasy subject matter. It loses points for some awkward pacing in the front half (the dance is so slow!) and a ridiculous lack of pathos shown when the whole human cast (temporarily) dies, but it makes up a lot of those points with its gutsy ending. No contrived out for the heroic sacrifice this time!

3. Spell of the Unown: So glad I decided to give this film a re-watch. Having an innocent and traumatized little girl, or her feelings of loss and loneliness to be more specific, be the antagonist, is an amazing move by the staff, and it works so well. The threat that those feelings pose to Ash and friends when given immense power is very tangible, though the full impact of that threat takes a while to become apparent. Giving Ash a personal stake in the adventure is very welcome, both travelling companions get decent roles, Charizard’s return is spectacular, and there is some delightfully off-beat and experimental work done in the production design. With the possible exception of Mewtwo Strikes Back, this film has the most ambition and daring of any of them. An uneven pace at the start and a questionable final fight can’t take away the fact that this movie is just cool.

4. Pokemon 4Ever: Possibly the most impressive art direction out of any of the movies; the forest feels huge, and old, and real, just in one look. The Miyazaki-esque look is appropriate for the “destruction of nature” plot, the consequences of which are plainly felt. The time travel aspect is intriguing and not confusing, and Sam is the real hero of the human cast. It tries to give the TRio a real reason to be in the movie, though it’s less successful on that front than Lugia. Drawbacks include a lag in the pace toward the middle, a contrived resurrection, a waste of the travelling companions even by pokefilm standards, and the sidelining of Ash himself.

5. Hoopa and the Clash of Ages: The most threadbare plot out of any of these movies, no real role for the companions or even Ash, and some of the dullest CotDs out there can’t change the fact this is just such a fun movie. Every ten-year old’s dream of an epic inter-gen smash-fest gets thrown on-screen, and even if it doesn’t crank things up to 11, it’s still extremely entertaining. Easily the best thing about XY/Z that I’ve seen so far.

6. Jirachi Wish Maker: An extremely choppy pace and story elements that don’t belong are a serious handicap. But this film not only gives a traveling companion an arc, but makes Max’s friendship with Jirachi the main focus. The damage done to that arc by the plot’s flaws doesn’t erase its charms. And Ash, put into a supporting role, excels in the part, much moreso than in many of these movies where he stays on the sidelines for much of the running time before abruptly becoming the hero.

7. White: Victini and Zekrom/Black: Victini and Rashiram: The “villain’s” actions are poorly motivated and the CotDs are forgettable. But Victini is just so damn cute, and its bond with Ash is so endearing. Those two things elevate the film, and give Ash one of his more dramatically satisfying stints as a glorified plot device. The gimmick of these films, however, feels like a waste.

8. Mewtwo Strikes Back: Compared to my childhood memories of it, this is a very uneven film. The travelling companions have nothing to do, the CotDs are forgettable, the TRio set the “why are we even here” trend up early, the film loses a lot of juice once the battle of clones vs. originals starts (mostly due to sluggish pacing on the fight), and the means of Ash’s revival is infuriatingly dumb. But for the first (and, as far as they knew at the time, only) movie of a kids’ cartoon meant to sell video games, it’s shocking to me how dark they went with this film. Mewtwo is a wonderfully grey character, and his origins and struggles render the first half of the film one of the best sequences in the whole franchise. The idea of prejudice and fighting for superiority as a basis for the conflict is solid in theory if a bit heavy-handed in execution. If Ash and friends (mostly friends) don’t get a lot to do once they reach the island, their journey to it is a fun adventure. And there’s a delightfully twisted horror film look to the production design. For a first outing, this was a very risky film, and even if doesn’t fully work, I think it’s a more impressive effort than most of the pokefilms because of that.

9. Rise of Darkrai: On a technical level, Darkrai has a more even script, and a more consistently solid execution of that script IMO, than Mewtwo. It’s the best of the Sinnoh trilogy by a wide margin. The CotDs (well, Alberto at least) are fun and Darkrai is an effective featured Pokemon. But the problems of the Sinnoh trilogy, while not as pronounced here, are still at hand: a light tone that leaves the Legendaries feeling less impressive than their predecessors, a rather episodic layout to the plot that kills a sense of scale, sluggish pacing and a sense of padding, no real role for the travelling companions, and Ash being a glorified deus ex machina.

10. Kyurem vs. the Sword of Justice: Technical proficiency, a cinematic scale, decent dub work, and excellent use of the travelling companions argue in favor of this one being higher on the list. Arguments against that include this film featuring some of the more poorly-designed Pokemon around, a severe lack of tension and stakes in the plot, and a disappointing role for Ash. Ultimately, it just didn’t grip me the way the films immediately above it did.

11. Arceus and the Jewel of Life: Out of all the Sinnoh trilogy, this one felt the least padded, and helped clear up some of the murky plot mess of the earlier entries. The CotDs are serviceable if a little on the dull side. And this final chapter of the trilogy does aim the highest in its scope and scale, even if it doesn’t reach its goals. But Arceus’s terrible voice in the dub, and his rush to apocalyptic judgement, really hurt the character. And the main cast is worse off here than in the other entries, as Dawn ends up as sidelined as Brock in the finale.

12. Giratina and the Sky Warrior: You can give the film this - Shaymin is a well-developed character. She’s a little shit, but she’s a fleshed-out little shit. And Giratina was the most impressively presented of the Sinnoh Legendaries. But the human villain here is very dull, and Shaymin’s obnoxiousness makes it damn near impossible to get invested in her conflict or to buy her eventual friendship with Ash. On the plus side, wonderful art direction and animation.

13. Pokemon Ranger and the Temple of the Sea: This film gets off to a strong start and gives us one of the best CotDs, but it’s overlong, stalls in the middle, and its focus on the main plot comes at the expense of May’s arc with Manaphy. It also has the most maddening plot resolution out of any of them (that’s right - it’s even worse than the magic tears from Mewtwo.)

14. I Choose You!: It earns points for shaking up the routine, giving Ash an arc, and doing a superb job at retelling his first meeting with Pikachu, but its meandering middle, superfluous story turns, and some forced character work bog it down. You can give it this - it was a better anniversary show than “Mastermind of the Mirage Pokemon.”

15. Pokemon Heroes: Possibly the most frustrating of these movies to date for me, because there were a lot of elements - the setting, the mythological background, the Dragon-types - that I really liked. It’s easily one of the most beautiful of the movies, and there was a lot of potential in the plot. But most of that potential was untapped, the elements never gelled, and I was often bored watching it. When I wasn’t bored, I was frustrated and questioning - see my “review” for the whole list. And this may be the worst film on the matter of sidelining the travelling companions.

16. Diancie and the Cocoon of Destruction: The charms of the titular character and some brief impressive work with the travelling companions can’t make up for an overstuffed, meandering plot full of easy fixes and an abrupt shift in focus during the last third.

17. Zoroark - Master of Illusions: Very similar situation to Diancie - a wonderful story between the titular Pokemon and Zorua can’t overcome a crowded plot that’s saddled with a weak, scene-hogging villain and terrible pacing.

18. Volcanion and the Mechanical Marvel: My biggest problem with this one is that there just wasn’t much about it that was unique. Its many flaws are the same ones that plague at least half these flicks. Its good points are the same sort of good points as in the other movies. Its art direction is pleasant but nothing that wasn’t tried before. It’s just...dull.

19. Genesect and the Legend Awakened: These last two are the only ones I wouldn’t hesitate to say were bad. A fundamental weakness in the plot caused by making the titular Pokemon so unsympathetic, the poor handling of Mewtwo’s return, an unremarkable set of roles for the main cast, uneven animation, and a general feeling of laziness all conspire against a decent premise.

20. Destiny Deoxys - Awkward alien subject matter, lack of a clear emotional core, and the worst padding out of any of these flicks all leave it dead on arrival IMO.

[reviverradio]

The 14 Most Visionary Sound Pictures of 2017

Set your pitchforks and delight in some of the finest 2017 had to offer you.

Since  I wash off so lots of people in sharing my preferred music videos of 2016, I have decided to go a slightly different route with this year’s version. We’re all conscious of it. The whole issue with each one of these end-of-the-year lists that ranks songs, film, TV shows, etc. is that–guess what? –art is subjective and everyone has different preferences. Nobody is wrong in their opinions!  

As somebody who has a very unique set of preferences, I am really conscious that what I enjoy isn’t for everybody (just ask my father). With that   disclaimer in place, I’m discussing what I believe to be among the most visionary music movies of this year. Instead of rank them, the songs movies are listed in a manner that, when played with in sequence, should mash up into its own story.

When it’s their budget, theme, or moderate, these selections push boundaries in every sense of this term. Most of all, all of them highlight precisely how fascinating the music video kind could be. It’s been a difficult year for a great deal of individuals, but one positive is an extraordinary urgency apparent in art, an outpouring of voices from every portion of the world.    

You may either sit back and let it ride or you can take a look at the highlights from 2017 in almost any order you would like.

Kendrick Lamar – Element.

Manager –  Jonas Lindstroem & The Little Homies

This isn’t the only time you’ll visit Kendrick Lamar on this list.   King Kendrick put three amazing music movies this season at  Element. , DNA, and HUMBLE. , and every was fueled by gorgeous vision, Don Cheadle, or powerful social messages.   Element.  Introduces us with the artist at his strongest.  

The juxtaposition between beauty and violence combines perfectly with Lamar’s lyrical content. In actuality, after several watches, it is difficult to separate the songs in the movie. If you think about one, you immediately think about the other, and that’s what makes this movie great. A number of these images are direct   recreations of this work of Gordon Parks, the photojournalist who captured much of the Civil Rights Movement in the 1960s.

As Cassie da Costa wrote at The New Yorker back in June, “In Element. , blackness, or the dynamic existence of black bodies and the lifestyles that inhabit them, is reimagined not just lyrically and narratively but also visually. The movie’s aesthetics are not additional but, instead, essential to this activity within and significance of every scene.”  

Kamasi Washington – Truth

Manager – AG Rojas

Yep, this is a lengthy one. That is no real surprise considering Kamasi Washington’s last record The Epic clocked in at almost a three hours long. This year’s launch, Harmony of a Difference, is a far simpler record to digest because of several reasons.   Washington debuted his suite earlier this season at the Whitney Biennial, and because  Truth  acts as the record’s culmination and climax, it is only fitting that part of this installment  contains  this short film from celebrated music video director AG Rojas.  

At just 37 minutes in length, it won’t require an eighth-of-a-day to listen to, and also its memorable theme weaves in and out through every track, directing the listener together. The exact same could be said about the above video which goes back and forth through space, time, and topic, constantly returning to a picture on which you can grasp while still keeping a sense of cosmic mystery. Kinda like Terrence Malick, wouldn’t you say?

Björk: The Gate

Manager – Andrew Thomas Huang

Just Björk being   Björk.

Un Lock – Drowned Beast

Manager – Dr. D Foothead

Very few people can inform an epic work of science fiction in just under 5 minutes. Dr. D Foothead, whose function is featured on Adult Swim, is the rare exception. Having made a name for himself along with his brand of comedic, music movie psychedelia, you might dismiss his art as “trippy,” however the apt way to describe it is “characterized by hypnotic detail, hyper-saturated color and lively, flowing kind. The characters in his work navigate outer and inner worlds, experiencing conditions of mental abstraction, mystical sin, and transformation.”   The pen and paperwork is, very  simply, some next level shit.

In addition, this is a sterling example of how a visual artist can create a story entirely of his own from just a grain of sonic inspiration. As un Lock frontman John Dwyer stated of this animator/director, “I wrote this song largely from the studio and it had been, in my head, about the insatiable appetite of mankind, but kind of bent in this weird fantastical way.” Once Foothead got control of it, however, it appeared to change into something else completely. ” I enjoy working with Dr. Foothead,” Dwyer continuing. “Due to his take is always coming from another planet.”  

Pipe-Eye – Sweets & Gamble

Manager – Alex McLaren along with Sean McAnulty

Jumping from pen and ink to stop-motion cartoon, Sweets & Treats   is something along the lines of which you have probably never seen (or heard) before.   Clay and candy aren’t the key tools you would usually encounter when seeing a multimedia job, but I will be damned if the mix doesn’t work perfectly for this sweet yet nightmarish clip.  

St. Vincent – New York

Manager – Alex Da Corte

This one definitely takes the cake for best use of color palettes and art management. Da Corte also led St. Vincent’s music video for Los Ageless which acts as a companion piece to New York.   Being a lover of Da Corte’s visual art, St. Vincent seemingly reached him out using a pitch along the lines of “do whatever it is you do this well.”

In an interview with Pitchfork, Da Corte pointed out one of the best benefits of this moderate, saying, “Moving images and moving movies, set to songs or not, are all artworks in themselves. What is really special about creating a music video is all the fact that it may be shared so quickly and so widely. Everybody can gain access to it. It is actually free.”

Courtney Barnett & Kurt Vile – Over Everything

Manager – Danny Cohen

Whereas New York shows us the possibility of vibrant color, Over Everything  proves how its lack can prove just as successful. For people unfamiliar with this particular international supergroup, Kurt Vile, an American rock staple, and Courtney Barnett, an up and coming Australian celebrity, found their music preferences aligned so closely that they needed to come from across the world to collaborate on a record together.  

In Over Everything, we get a glimpse of just how similar these two  are as they swap verses. The actual stars of this movie, but are the artists’ respective backdrops.     Danny Cohen took the movie in Philadelphia and Melbourne, sourcing a new team from every city. His excruciatingly close attention to detail has been observed with every mirroring background. No matter how stark the contrast is between our two society’s cultures, the settings show how music is able to bridge the gap. Particular kudos to the place scout, a hat that I can only envision Cohen wore as well.  

Manchester Orchestra – The Sunshine

Manager – DANIELS

The DANIELS are always a divisive directing duo, but I am firmly on the side of “I’ll like these men put out since they truly don’t give a f***.” Both are no stranger to the art of audio movie, catching their biggest breakl using the legendary clip for Lil Jon’s Switch Down For Everything back in 2014. However, with the success of their debut feature Korean Army Man this past year, some were bound to wonder whether they had outgrown the moderate.

It appears they are at least ready to do it one more time to the man who scored their feature. Manchester Orchestra given the sonic vibes for Korean Army Man, therefore it was only reasonable to refund with a visual favor. The result is this movie for The Sunshine, which comprises a few of DANIELS’ trademark out-there humor and capacity to blend CGI oddness into seemingly normal conditions.  

The Babe Rainbow – Peace Blossom Boogie

Manager – Kristofski

The Babe Rainbow is probably the closest thing to a group of traveling hippies that we have in today’s music landscape. Together with Peace Blossom Boogie, manager  Kristofski masterfully captures the spirit of this group through what appears to be a Super 8 film straight out of 1964.   The YouTube page also has what I believe are the most precise comment of 2017 using “I can not believe these folks exist.” Everybody in Australia is seemingly beautiful, forcing double-decker buses to bright areas where they could frolic the afternoon off. Seems like an alright life.

Jay-Z – Moonlight

Manager – Alan Yang

JAY-Z came out with his new record 4:44 this season and with the launch came the opportunity to bend some TIDAL muscle. Many of the music movies he dropped were initially only available to see on TIDAL for a lengthy window following their premiere. This, obviously, was utilized as an incentive for people to sign up for the streaming support. If that money has been used to fuel the creation of movies like   Moonlight,   then I’m all for it.

The hype around this audio video was certainly real. A reboot of Friends starring some of the freshest African-American confronts in Hollywood and led by Master of None co-creator Alan Yang? Who wouldn’t wish to see what that looks like? The result is an allegory that’s more melancholy than funny, more short film than audio video. It has to’ve generated a great deal of new subscribers for HOV.  

Young Thug – Wyclef Jean

Manager – Pomp&Clout

You do the best with what you got, and this movie illustrates that.

Tyler, The Creator – Who’s Dat Boy

Manager – Tyler, The Creator

Tyler, The Creator is one of those rare few who can do it all. At just twenty-six years old, he’s been, well, producing, because the beginning of the Odd Future move back in 2008/2009. That includes everything from several albums to multiple TV shows, his own clothing line, and music festivals.

This year’s release   Flower Boy was clearly a significant step forward for this artist. Previously criticized for leaning too heavily on sophomoric humor, Tyler, The Creator’s movie for Who’s Dat Boy is the consequence of many years of satisfying his irreverent, damaging style. He’s unleashed his private struggles with identity out to the world, and when it is too dreadful for some to witness, then so be it.

Ty Segall – Split a Guitar

Manager – Matt Yoka

Many guitars were hurt in the making of the film. The great Matt Yoka strikes using his kaleidoscopic music movie for Ty Segall’s Split a Guitar. If you’re a lover of this rock-and-roll, there’s nothing quite as satisfying as watching guitars being obliterated to smithereens, particularly if Jack Black, Henry Rollins and Fred Armisen would be those accountable for their own destruction.  

The thing to note here is that none of all these explosions were set together in post with VFX. They are all the practical work of the   pyrotechnicians at Court Wizard, and also this movie simply wouldn’t be the same if the  consequences were not completed on set.   Do not worry, there has been a set medic in place to ensure nobody got hurt. Cronenberg fans will also be Delighted to find an almost frame for frame Scanners tribute at the end.      

Kendrick Lamar – HUMBLE.

Manager – Dave Meyers & The Little Homies

As I said initially, this is Kendrick’s entire year, therefore it is only fitting we feature at least 2 of the movies on this list. While Element. May be the more powerful of both, HUMBLE will wind up being the one that we most remember. It could just be the most iconic movie of 2017.

from reviverradio http://www.reviverradio.net/the-14-most-visionary-sound-pictures-of-2017/

[thedamiansmith]

Why I Truly Hate The Last Jedi

To forestall any conjecture and either sate your curiosity or warn you off entirely I’ll preface this post with a summary up front - Star Wars: The Last Jedi is one of the worst films I have ever seen. And beware for thar be spoilers ahead.

I hate it. I know that’s a strong word and one I’ve used wantonly in the past, but in this case I can’t think of another more accurate. I hate the film. I don’t merely dislike it. I find the very fact that it exists offensive. My life is worse for having seen it.

The film has drawn no small measure of controversy. Fans and critics alike seem polarised, they either love it or hate it, with not a lot of middle ground. Ergo there has been no small measure of discussion on this controversy. It’s this discussion that has driven me to add my own two cents to the melee, because at no point have I seen a post that grasps the problem at hand.

The discussion over why people dislike the film is dominated by a false dichotomy: there are those that didn’t like it because it was too far removed from the films that had come before and there are those that didn’t like it because it was too similar to the Star Wars films of old.

Whilst arguments could be made over why The Last Jedi is similar to the Star Wars of old or why it is far too different (a view I personally hold), this entirely misses the point. Regardless of where it sits in regards to the pantheon of Star Wars, The Last Jedi is, in and of itself, a terrible film.

Independent of the franchise it represents The Last Jedi is a clunky, ham-fisted, under-written and over-directed, unmitigated shit show. At its best it is clumsy and at its worst it is infuriating. If I had to sum it up in a word I’d call it “stupid”. The decisions that director Rian Johnson has made with the film just don’t make any sense.

I don’t say this lightly. I have a powerful suspension of disbelief. I’m willing to forgive most plot holes, I’ll quite creatively retcon even the most glaring oversight and content myself with my in-universe explanation (my favourite film is Pacific Rim after all). The Last Jedi doesn’t allow this. It is a 155 minute bombardment on your ability to disbelieve.

The film starts off strongly. In a bold move it opens with a joke and surprisingly it pays off. Poe Dameron’s prank call of General Hux is genuinely funny. I’ve been a professional comedian for over a decade, I know all the tricks, I can see behind every curtain, I despise most attempts at comedy and that bit made me actually laugh out loud. That is no small achievement.

Dameron then shows off his piloting skills in a daring X-Wing raid on the Fulminatrix in a visually impressive action sequence. At this point the film showed promise. This was flashy and exciting and what I wanted the movie to be. Then it did something unprecedented in a Star Wars film – inertia. Dameron’s X-Wing turns 180 degrees yet preserves its forward momentum until it fires the engines. Actual sound science in a space battle. My excitement at this point was at fever pitch.

And then the stupid starts. And once it starts it never stops. Whilst I was incredibly excited after five minutes, by the ten minute mark I was scratching my head. At twenty minutes I was heart-broken. By 40 minutes into the film I was ready to walk out, the only thing driving me forward was the morbid curiosity of seeing just how much worse it could get. The answer was “a lot”.

I’d like to go into every dumb point in detail, and I have for my own benefit, but the document is currently another 2000 words of dot points and I don’t think anyone has the time to read it (another time perhaps). Suffice it to say that from about five minutes into the film it appears that every character makes the dumbest possible decision they can.

For the sake of brevity I’ll only dive in depth into the two most glaring cases in the film.

First is Luke Skywalker. Everything to do with Luke Skywalker. When we meet Luke it’s at the same point as the close of The Force Awakens, with Rey handing him his father’s lightsaber. After a long moment of silent tension Luke then throws the lightsaber away without a word. All of that buildup for what comedians call a “pullback reveal”. Weak. In case you missed it this is the directorial cue that the audience should be willing to break with the past Star Wars films. Isn’t Rian Johnson subtle?

What follows is an entire act of Luke being an obtuse dickhead for no reasonable purpose. At this point I was still willing to give the film the benefit of the doubt. I’d reasoned that Luke was being purposefully asinine to test the patience of his pupil – as Yoda had once done to him. As the film progressed it became apparent that this level of subtlety was not in play, Luke was just being an ass. What becomes clear is that Rian Johnson has completely abandoned the character of Luke Skywalker and bludgeoned him into an amorphous shadow that he can shoe-horn into his own narrative.

None of Luke’s actions in the film are consistent with the character we’ve come to know. Upon the destruction of his Jedi temple and the deaths of his students he has not come to Ach-To to commune with the Force on some vision quest, he has come to run away from his problems in a way that is completely inverted from the idealistic hero of the original films. The young Jedi who rushed to confront a Sith Lord in order to save his friends is now willing to abandon the entire galaxy to a powerful Dark Jedi because...reasons.

We are then treated to a bit of back story over what happened to Luke’s Jedi academy. When he sensed the growing power of the dark side in his nephew, Ben Solo, he contemplated murdering the boy in his sleep. Luke Skywalker, who walked fearlessly into the Death Star in order to redeem a Sith Lord who had murdered the entire Jedi Order, who had gladly decided to die rather than murder a beaten opponent, this is the same person who would, if only for a moment, consider killing someone in cold blood because they might one day fall to the dark side?

So we’re to believe that in the space of a few decades Luke would abandon every principle he held.

That Luke was willing to kill his own nephew to prevent the rise of a powerful Dark Jedi is one thing, but then when Ben gives himself over to the Dark Side and becomes Kylo Ren, Luke runs away and hides. He was willing to murder his own kin to prevent this from happening, but now that it has he’s not going to do anything about it. Rian Johnson shows here that not only is he abandoning the character of the old Star Wars films, he can’t remain consistent within his own script.

Mix that in with a multitude of scenes of Luke being a grumpy old man, a needlessly rude hermit and, for some unknown reason, graphically milking a space manatee and this entire arc is just offensive.

The clumsy and futile handling of the character of Luke Skywalker is one of the major reasons why The Last Jedi is a terrible movie, but as Yoda once said “there is another”.

Canto Bight.

If you’ve seen the film then you know what I’m talking about, but if you haven’t then I’ll try and paint the scene for you. I say try (I know, I know, “do or do not”) because it’s difficult to get across how jarring and incongruent this sequence is.

The Resistance fleet is on the run. They can’t escape to hyperspace because they will be tracked by the First Order, who will only catch them and destroy them. So they’re flying through space, just out of effective weapons range of the First Order, just staying alive. However the clock is ticking. They’re running out of fuel. They can’t run forever. Why it takes fuel to continue in a straight line in space is never addressed (perhaps the fuel is needed to run the shields? Look I’m throwing you a bone here Rian) nor is the fact that the First Order doesn’t switch from using plasma weaponry which has an effective range to some kind of kinetic weapons which don’t, or just send their fighters ahead. Nor are we treated to a reason why all ships now seem to have the same speed even though every film prior to this shows a mixture of both fast ships and slow.

So Poe Dameron decides to send ex-stormtrooper Finn and random engineer he just met Rose off on a mission to find someone who can get them onto the Supremacy and shut down the hyperspace tracking to let the Resistance escape. Does that sound convoluted? That’s because it is.

So Finn and Rose find themselves on a shuttle travelling to the planet of Canto Bight to find a slicer, instead of using that shuttle and others like it to evacuate the stated 400 Resistance members who need evacuating because of reasons. 

And in an instant we go from the incredibly dark and tense pursuit of the last of the Resistance fleet to...a 1930’s style casino! That’s right, everyone is in their best three piece suit dancing the Charleston as if Finn and Rose have just hyperspace jumped into the Great Gatsby. When are then treated to some tell-don’t-show moralising from Rian Johnson on the nature of greed and war before Finn and Rose indulge in a chase scene through space-Marrakesh on space-camels while being pursued by the space-police before they are rescued by Benecio Del Toro’s character DJ who will of course suddenly but inevitably betray them.

If you thought the pod-racing scene from The Phantom Menace was tedious and pointless then Rian Johnson would like you to hold his beer.

How should this scene have played out instead?

Rose: Finn can you sneak us on board the Supremacy to shut down the tracking system? Finn: Yes, I used to be a stormtrooper, I know a sneaky way in.

Rose: Great, for a second there I thought we’d have to go on a pointlessly wacky side adventure where a drunk leprechaun fills BB-8 with coins.

There, I just shaved 30 minutes off the longest running Star Wars film in history.

Of course the stupidity doesn’t stop there, but it does perhaps peak. The rest of the film from then on isn’t offensive because how dumb it is, but because it is just plain seeks to offend. It is Rian Johnson firmly and proudly raising the middle finger to anyone who is a fan of the franchise.

The previous film, The Force Awakens, raised a number of questions. The film was written and directed by JJ Abrams, a man who is more adept than anyone at creating intriguing mysteries without ever bothering to answer them (the magic numbers from Lost spring to mind). The greatest questions springing from The Force Awakens were “who are Rey’s parents?” and “who is this immensely powerful Dark Jedi, Supreme Leader Snoke?”

In the two years since the release of The Force Awakens the internet has been ablaze with conjecture over these questions. Fans were rabid in their search for answers to these major plot points, enjoying crafting elaborate theories as to where the franchise could take these storylines. Hearkening back to the days of “is Darth Vader really Luke’s father?” or “is Darth Sidious really Senator Palpatine?” this conjecture is at the heart and soul of what it is to be a fan of Star Wars.

This is also something that Rian Johnson blatantly and vehemently resents.

It is one thing to chastise fans for the means by which they choose to enjoy the films, though that is bad enough, but it’s another thing entirely to sabotage the middle film of trilogy to punish those fans for being fans.

The mystery of Rey’s parents is answered with a throwaway line by Kylo Ren that they are junkrat nobodies who sold her. Reasonable enough I suppose, and perhaps even the same direction I would have taken the plot line, though perhaps with a bit more exposition. But I can’t get over the feel that this was never the intended arc for Rey’s character, that this is a backlash for the fan speculation over her parentage.

However if the reveal of Rey’s parents was a subtle rebuke by Rian Johnson for the over-zealousness of the fan base, then the Snoke reveal is Rian dancing around naked, swinging his dick at them while waving a giant sign saying “go fuck yourselves”.

Halfway through the film Supreme Leader Snoke is killed off by his student, Kylo Ren. After some impressive displays of his powers with the Force, after the reveal that it was he who had manipulated Rey AND Kylo Ren with his incredible power, that he had engineered proceedings exactly to his machinations in a way that the Emperor could only dream of, he is abruptly killed. No heroic sacrifice, a la Darth Vader. No impressive fight sequence a la Darth Maul or Darth Tyrannus. No exposition. One minute he’s alive, the greatest threat the galaxy has ever faced, the head of a bigger and badder empire. The next minute he’s dead, never to be spoken of again, as if he never existed in the first place.

Not even the most die-hard new trilogy apologist could argue that this was ever the intended direction for the character. That an entire film and a half would be devoted to this great and powerful evil only for him to be written out with the in-universe equivalent of “Note: Poochie died on the way back to his home planet”.

No, this was a deliberate move by Johnson. This was his objection to the speculation on the character and the nature of Star Wars fans. This was his personal revenge against people actively enjoying the intellectual property instead of passively receiving whatever the film-maker threw at them. He took an important character and story arc and threw them into the fire, writing himself and any future directors into a corner in the process, simply because he wanted to engage in an act of petty revenge and onanism.

And this is the man who has been given the green light to develop his own trilogy.

These are the most glaring examples of idiocy and clumsiness in The Last Jedi. The rest of the film is merely bouncing from one scene to the next with events happening because the plot needs them to happen. The whole venture feels like they went ahead and filmed the first draft. As if at no point a second party has looked at the script and said “why are they doing this? It doesn’t make any sense”.

And even though I’ve gone into such detail on a couple of major issues with the film, that’s probably the main problem with the film. It doesn’t make any sense. None of the decisions made by any of the characters make sense. They all seem to do the dumbest thing possible because that will generate the most drama.

Rian Johnson has obviously read the rule of storytelling that says to create drama you take your characters and challenge them. That you put them in a tree and throw rocks at them, as it were. But he doesn’t know how to do it. He doesn’t know how to make it look natural. So he just clumsily engineers situations where the characters are faced with adversity brought about through their own stupidity or the stupidity of others.

The core of this problem isn’t limited to The Last Jedi. It was present in The Force Awakens and numerous other films as well – the new Hollywood trend of the “writer/director”. Not every writer is a director and not every director is a writer. Some can do both and do it very well – Tarantino for instance is a brilliant slashie. But you can’t skimp on the writers.

The Last Jedi is a brilliant spectacle. It looks amazing. The use of lighting and shot selection to convey story is wonderful at times, if a little heavy handed at others. But the whole film is a delight to look at. It’s just a shame that the story, the core of it, is so very, very poor. It is the result of a director saying “we need to do this and this, go from point A to B to C” without knowing how to accomplish that as a storyteller.

The whole film is an exercise in what could have been. The Force Awakens wasn’t brilliant by any stretch. But it was a lot of fun and it introduced a lot of rich plot lines which begged to be expanded on, deeper mysteries that would have been fun to unravel. Imagine the wonder and excitement we could have had if the next instalment of the story was given to someone who knew  what to do with them instead of an obdurate madman hell bent on his own “artistic vision” and driven by a need for petty revenge. If this had been a solo film, without the rich history and lore that burdens Star Wars, it might have been amazing. The terrible storytelling and massive plot holes might never have occurred if such a stubborn director hadn’t been forced to work within confines of a universe not of his own.

But such wasn’t to be. Unlike Gareth Edwards, who created the utterly brilliant Rogue One in an even more restrictive narrative confine, Rian Johnson proved incapable of budging even an inch and the result is a film that is an utter mess and a waste. It makes one nostalgic for the glory days of The Phantom Menace and Jar-Jar Binks, which was until 14.12.17 the worst thing to ever happen to Star Wars.

I think about how much I hate The Last Jedi and I wonder why. I wonder why this movie hurts me so much more than the prequels did, why the disappointment is so much more gut wrenching. It’s because of what it could have been.

The prequels were George Lucas’ baby. It was his universe, his product and he was going to make it his way. That way might not have been the right way, or even a good way, but it was his. Nobody could fault him for doing what he wanted with his own creation. We all knew the man’s ambition outpaced his ability. His greatest excesses were held in check by his ex-wife, Marcia, and when they divorced there was nobody stopping him from doing dumb things like racist aliens, cannibal teddy bears and a 40 minute love letter to NASCAR racing.

But it was his house and he could paint it whatever ugly colour he wanted to.

This new trilogy was supposed to free us of that. We had an opportunity to build on the world he created and take it in new and exciting directions. We had the opportunity to put it into hands more competent than those of George Lucas, thankful for what he created but more thankful for gracefully stepping back.

Instead Disney decided to go in the other direction. They decided to keep Star Wars in the hands of an intractable autocrat and the result is more of the same. A film more notable for its potential and its failings than for its ability to deliver.

But still while that accounts for my disappointment in the film, and for my crippling depression as a result of it, but it doesn’t account for the hatred. I truly do hate The Last Jedi.

The reason being that these new films have wiped the slate clean. They have rendered null and void all of the former Expanded Universe, what is now known as Legends.

In the wake of Return of the Jedi in 1983 there was a great demand for more of the Star Wars universe. What became of the characters? People demanded to know. What was happening in the rest of the galaxy? What other stories were never told? What else was possible?

Writers and storytellers began to fill the void. Some of them weren’t weren’t great, others were laughably bad, but most of them were incredible. Most of them were incredible stories set in the Star Wars universe.

I grew up on these stories. I read and re-read nearly all of the Expanded Universe books, handed down to me from a benevolent uncle who fostered such imagination.

Timothy Zahn’s cuttingly amazing Thrawn trilogy dared to imagine what became of the Empire after the Battle of Endor. Beaten and broken they faced defeat and retreat until they were revitalised by a new villain – Grand Admiral Thrawn, an alien whose intellect and tactical brilliance was fuelled by an appreciation of art. The Thrawn trilogy proved the be the skeleton from which the new canon trilogy was built, although without the panache of Zahn’s writing, while the character of Thrawn was so iconic, so brilliant, he was adopted into the new canon.

The X-Wing series took a background character but fan favourite, Wedge Antilles, and put him front and center. These novels were rollicking tales of the fighter pilots so iconic of Star Wars, with their laconic wit and dashing bravado, racing from one impossible mission to the next. If you enjoy Poe Dameron in the new films (and who doesn’t?) then imagine an entire series of people just like him. The death of Han Solo in The Force Awakens never really resonated with me but decades later the death of Ton Phanan still gives me chills.

There were so many stories of Luke’s attempts to recreate the Jedi Order. His Praxeum on Yavin IV where he tried to mentor students as young and as brash as he once was, all while wondering if his own brief training was enough to prevent him from creating the next Darth Vader. This Luke was wise and caring, confident yet humble. A true servant of the Force who would never have imagined murdering a student in his sleep but would have done all in his power and more to prevent him ever falling in the first place.

These are the true tales of Star Wars. These are the real continuation of the story. And now all of them have been cast aside, destroyed by the myopic treatment of JJ Abrams, who never wrote a story beyond his first movie, and Rian Johnson who never gave a shit about anything other than his “artistic vision”.

That is why I hate The Last Jedi. Not only is it a terribly written story, it is by its very existence an erasure of all of the good stories that came before it, the ones crafted by competent writers who cared for the subject matter. Not building upon what came before but utterly rejecting it out of spite.

It isn’t a matter of whether The Last Jedi was too far removed from the old Star Wars movies or whether is was too similar to them. That doesn’t matter. All that really mattered was that it was a good story. Which it most certainly wasn’t. It was terrible. And if this film was the audition by which Rian Johnson received his own trilogy then I truly mourn the Star Wars saga, for it is in the most unsafe of hands.

For those wondering, because this is what the reviewers all seem to do, this is my ranking of the Star Wars films:

The Empire Strikes Back

Rogue One

Return of the Jedi

A New Hope

Revenge of the Sith

The Force Awakens

The Phantom Menace

Attack of the Clones

The Last Jedi