#like and usually thats not true i just get like a control freak and invalidate their subjective perceptions and act like they dont know | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

myownprivatcidaho · 3 years ago

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but also like. how do i say this. its not like he ISNT guarded its not like he doesnt act presentational or have a face he puts on that i havent seen at its strongest and i havent seen slip. its not like ive never seen him vulnerable and he knows that i think. so. and ik he had a tough end to a relationship a while back so it makes sense hed be hesitant to do that again but. why ME?? like im not saying im the first hes liked after all that time but what is it about me that he might even want to be vulnerable with??? like /I/ want him to feel like that like hes cared for and safe and his authenticity is welcomed with open arms. but. you know idk maybe its not just stuff he Likes that he sees maybe he. sees actively good attributes?? but idk like im not sure how often i really show those except when my Presented Persona slips as well. im realizing im gonna have to trust him with myself but im realizing that for some reason he in some sense is trusting me too. im honored and if this goes anywhere ill do my hest but i dont know what to do with the idea i might not just match subjective preferences but he might actually like. see some things about me and think im a good person or something

#idk #archived.crush #i dont want to call him naive and he ISNT and hes not a dumbass #but it feels so reflexive to just shoot this stuff down #if someone likes something about me ive clearly lied to them if they think im a good person ive clearly been manipulatively kind or smth #like and usually thats not true i just get like a control freak and invalidate their subjective perceptions and act like they dont know #what theyre talking about.#but now the tables are flipped on me because /I/ dont know what to invalidate or what exactly to disregard all i know is he doesnt.#like i guess he doesnt think im full of shit. or at least he trusts me not to be or he at the very least WANTS to trust me #and also like. ig. like a lot of people whove liked me sorta. yknow depended on me? like it felt like they liked the #therapist figure who could make them laugh and could call them their friend like EYE never saw us as equals i saw them as my responsibility #but like. with THIS guy. hes not dependent he doesnt like look to me for support or comfort hes not doing that he just.#he sees me as an equal and i see him as an equal and he sees i need help sometimes cause im not perfect he SEES that and still just. isnt #drawing back. so. & so like with other people especially people i tried very short lived intimate relationships with like we WERENT equals #i put on a brave face for them and they were my responsibility and they liked that but they never asked about me they assumed i couldhandle #whatever they gave me and im REALLY sure of saying they never liked me because of how fast they told me they loved me. like this was said #after 3 days of supposed commitment and thats when id back out when i just couldnt play along anymore #so. i dunno like he HAS been trying for an emotional connection and now he sees we BOTH are and like. hes not trustine with this because he #thinks im perfect or because i can just handle it. hes just persisting because we both want it and because im persisting too #and just. because theres no nice way of saying this i dont see him as kinda Pathetic like. i TRUST his judgement and i respect where he #comes from so i cant invalidate whatever he sees in me by saying its emotion driven and hes just seeing the perfect durable person he wants #to see. does that make sense? like when it was someone i was taking care of i could go you just dont know what youre talking about but. ???#like. hes just a guy who likes a girl who he knows is imperfect and he isnt expecting support or anything and he likes being helpful and #thats the intiative he takes constantly is just being helpful. and like. idk just the idea he even would trust me with vulnerability is #genuinely honoring. but also i just dont know what to do about someone thinking highly of me when i cant even invalidate them #especially because i already respect their judgement. its like ive been cheated and swindled. hes thrown me off my rhythm.

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