#like a hangnail on my heart or something. owie. like. yeah
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Sometimes the crushing weight of just like. existing in the world the way I do is sooo much I can’t even cry. I just pace around and I’m like Oh Man. Why can’t I experience love and affection normally
#this is mostly about being aroace#but also about how I experience relationships in general#I don’t really Miss people? I mean I do. but not like.. how I’m supposed to#and I don’t get lonely being by myself#until I step away from work for even a second and I’m reminded of what silence sounds like#friendship and family is so wonderful and fun and makes my heart happy#so I don’t know if I would call myself loveless#I just don’t really love in a way that’s Right#and it feels like A Lot sometimes#maybe a part of it is my meds also. I just feel very empty when I’m not being productive. actually I’ve always been that way kinda#idk#I’m being emo about a fucking TV Girl song of all things 😭#and it’s one of the popular ones bc those are the only ones I know 😭😭#I feel like I’m in a shitty Tiktok lol#but Jesus like. ‘you don’t know how long I’ve stared into your picture and wished that it was me’#just caught in my throat#like a hangnail on my heart or something. owie. like. yeah#I just wish I could feel normal Feelings#I’m getting closer I think. but I also feel less emotional than I used to#bc I’m less sad and anxious 24/7 now#and more like… numb or easily irritated? those are my two main emotions lol#maybe I’m just being emo rn. I have been happy a lot lately#ALSO LIKE. idk. I wish I could feel proud of myself for accomplishments#but my brain sees it as the bare minimum so it’s more like just checking off a box#even when it’s something really cool#blehh#I should be writing this in my diary#it’s not that serious though I’m actually doing well rn. just like. hmmm idk#wackyposting
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