#like a bunch of year 12 girls will find it much funnier if it were a bunch of dads dancing to barbie

[vogelmeister]

my mum found this song she really wants to do for my sister's val parents dance and i dont have the heart to tell her that no one knows the song and the girls will much more appreciate dance the night from barbie (which is what the committee wants)

[beesflowers]

𝒮𝒽𝒾𝓃 - "𝒜𝒸𝒸𝒾𝒹𝑒𝓃𝓉"

Characters: Shin Hinomori, Shizuku Hinomori

Type: OC Lore

Note: again, I hope it's not cringey- As for song recommendation I'd say "Pity Party" by Melanie Martinez suits!

Shin was now in 6th grade, he was 12 and had figurd out his own style which was pretty quick but he was happy and proud! He discovered he felt comfortable with long hair and clothes in kind of goth style. He had bunch of them in his closet and no one mind! The thing that they mind was his hair... everyone said it looks too girly because it almost touched his waist...

But right now, that was none of boy's worries! He was currently in library looking for a nice book so he can relax his mind a little~

"Here's the butch girl!"

He wished he could say he didn't knew who's voice it is but unfortunely he knew way too well... As the years passed, people would think that kids matured and stopped bullying Shin but as he discovered his style, it only got worse...

Hinomori didn't felt like dealing with group of boys he knew way too well so he deicded to take his leave and try to find the right book some other time. But his path was blocked... he had no other choice than face those boys.

"Why are you in such a hurry?! We just wanted to give you a surprise!"

"Yeah! You'll thank us later for it!"

Shin was nowhere to be scared. More likely annoyed... he was simply done with every day ideas that were simply so childish... But at this point what's the worse that can happen? He already was trapped in a trash bin with rats by them, can something worse even happen?

When he was so sure nothing bad can happen to him, he could feel his hair being held, keeping him in place before he hears sound of scissors... that was the moment when boy was simply scared. His hair was something that kept him confidence, that made him feel like himself, that made him happy and it was now being taken away from him... so of course he tried getting away from their grip but it seemed like he wasn't strong enough...

"Stop moving so much!"

"Shut up Harry! It's funnier when he does!"

Hinomori wasn't giving up tho, even if he would loose, he wanted to make sure he won't be mad at himself later so he tried escaping with all his strenght but it seemed that it still was of no use...

Those may've been just few minutes for Shin sat there for more... he felt so... sad without his signature... even tho the group of boys already left, the boy with now extremely short hair was staring at the floor full of light blue hair, he couldn't help but let ouf few tears... maybe it wasn't the manliest thing but there was no one around so surely he could allow himself for it...

"Shinny~ Are you here?"

But then Hinomori froze... he didn't want his sister to see him like that! Worrying her is the least he want's to do right now! He'd prefer ANYONE but her! But it seems like he couldn't do anything before his twin found him.

"Here you are! Why didn't you sai- W-What happened?! Why is your hair so short all of the sudden...?"

Shizuku was so worried... he could see tears forming in her eyes... did she knew? There was no way! After all he made sure to hide this not so friendly relationship of his...

"I just... wanted to try out new style!"

"Oh I see! You still look pretty!" girl gave him a smile and clapped her hands as a sign of approval "We should go. Mom is already waiting for us!"

"You go without me. I... need to find a book before I go."

"Okey! I'll reserve your favorite seat for you~!"

Both twins exchanged small waves and smiles. Once Shizuku left tho, boy immidietly got up and cleaned the mess in library. He doesn't want to have problems after all... He made sure there's no signs of him crying and came up to car.

"Where's the book you were talking about?"

"I couldn't find it..."

[curapicas]

Okay this is for like, 3 people

Please check it out in the phone, my layout is shit to read but it’s been 12 years since I’ve changed any of my blog settings and I no longer have energy to relearn how to do it

I promised (umprompted, on my own) to make a Scum Villain review, so here it goes:

in short, I liked it (aaaand there’s where the 3 people I wrote for get all the information they actually wanted, but whatever. You girls don’t get a say)

Obviously it’s hard to not compare it to mdzs, and they do feel like they were written by the same person, at least. The style of story, I mean. The writing style is completely different - because the main character is a millenial internet dudebro, and his thoughts are always there to remind us of this. In fact, I’m very curious to know how the original is written, since this genre tends to be written a bit more composed than THAT, right? XD (mxtx herself was worried that people wouldn’t like mdzs because it is very different of this 1st work of hers)

Anyway, it’s far more satirical than mdzs, and funnier than sadder. I still think mdzs is better overall, but that’s not to say Scum Villain dissapoints. In fact, I knew a bunch of mini spoilers, and still everything was a wild ride. I could hardly predict the turn of events. In fact, I predicted nothing. Thrice I made stupid faces in the subway to try and contain my laughter, so if nothing else, it’ll be fun. But remember, it’s still mxtx!

If there’s one thing that was annoying was the sheer volume of footnotes each chapter has. Shen Qingqiu, Why So Many References. But it’s cool that I had to read chapters of different translators, unlike mdzs, and compare their styles of translations, sometimes even with a chapter translated in two different sites, hah

Also... there’s a fine line between mxtx’s naming sense and the in-universe’s authors naming sense. Whenever you see a ridiculous name, mxtx is probably getting a kick out of it. In fact, the whole novel makes some remarks about webnovel publishing, fans and anti-fans receptions, not to mention an author deciding to give in to demands instead of writing a good story.

And have I mentioned the protag is an internet dudebro? A lot of the novel comes through his pov, so expect a more gendered language. tbh I don’t know what’s more surprising, that he was quick to accept Luo Binghe’s feelings once everything was said and done, or that he had been kissed in his previous life. You’re not gonna hear anything much about his previous life either btw, which is a bummer but maybe it’s the point. He was still pretty fun and engaging to me, maybe because like him I tend to think more than feel, have a terribly dry humor and value being practical. He’s still a kind person and a surprisingly loved father figure, LOL. (is it a spoiler if I say that we have an entire cast of scum villains, protag aside?)

Please, don’t skip the extras. They’re not easy to find but they’re all great

Also... the main pairing is otp alright, but unlike mdzs, I can see the appeal of a bunch of side pairings for the main character, too... There’s a lot of people romantically interested in the main characters too, which didn’t really happen in mdzs and ruka will probably find this as fun as I did

Now, I feel obliged to give the usual warnings of what one would find, which is like... mxtx being mxtx. Gore, blood, terrible deaths, characters having horrible fates, understandable but disastrous misunderstandings, house arrests happen (?), implied rape, dub-con (non-con?) - and this one isn’t their kink, so it’s for real. Aaaand painful sex. Painful, honest-to-god bloody sex. This one is a squick of mine, so when I read this chapter I was mentally screaming AAAAAAAAA all the time. This one time is written in a very un-sexy way, me thinks

One last thing: Holy Shit, Luo Binghe exists to suffer

since visuals are everything:

And for self-organization, might as well put the links here

UNEDITED version, up to ch40: https://cnoveluv.wordpress.com/projects/the-scum-villains-self-saving-system/

bcnovel’s version: http://bcnovels.com/the-scum-villains-self-saving-system/

succubi extra: https://faelicy.tumblr.com/post/180154270882/a-memory-fighting-succubi-with-great-master-liu

Luo Binghe turns into a child extra, Shen Jiu’s backstory, and others: https://pizziccato.tumblr.com/post/180786497951/translation-masterpost

EDITED version, ongoing: https://faelicy.tumblr.com/post/185035206852/scum-villain-table-of-contents

eh, I feel like I’m still leaving something out.

[bojacktherapy-blog]

Is Bojack’s Depression keeping me Happily Depressed?

Do you ever look at your life and see you have a codependency to your depression? Like you’re fully attached to this feeling and the consistent presence it promises that you become comfortable in it. I’m currently on the last season (as of now) of the Netflix original series, Bojack Horseman. I just now realized that this is the final season and soon I won’t have this feeding my depression. I won’t have this constant reaffirmation of my constant negative thoughts. Bojack Horseman takes a more realistic approach on how people feel about themselves. How a lot of people feel about themselves. Whether you see yourselves as an unappreciated overachiever, like Princess Carolyn. Or a self-loathing narcissist, like Bojack. Every character is relatable in someway. With a lighter meta vibe the show makes for a fun who’s who of the fictitious, Hollywoo. With interpersonal anecdotes, real life scenarios, and creative/trippy animations Bojack Horseman makes for a low key stoners perfect sad girl binge.

For the past few weeks, give or take months, the depression has been on high. Even getting a job to assuage my boredom hasn’t taken up enough space in my mind. So I had to find something else. Something that wouldn’t take too much effort. Upon perusing the myriad of streaming services, I passed up my usual go-tos. Broad City and Seth Rogen movies for a show I had attempted to start multiple times before.

Bojack Horseman. A series of self described misfortunes is the life that Bojack Horseman would say he lives. A washed up 90s sitcom actor grasping on the remnants of his life. Bojack lives a life where he is the victim. If only people were smarter, funnier, kinder. If people weren’t terrible. If people would just be different than who they are, then and only then would they be acceptable for Bojack. With a line of quirky side characters with equally as appealing and addictive personalities who hold on to their own self destructive tendencies, the Netflix original used my insecurities against me to follow a misfit bunch on a series of wacky adventures for 5 seasons.

While I try not taking life advice from cartoons, Bojack Horseman gives out a lot of helpful anecdotes that have made me realize, I’m not happy and I don’t know when I will be or if I even want to be. Let me explain. For all the ‘what do you mean you don’t wanna be happy?’ commentators getting their fingers ready. Of-fucking-course I want to be happy. I want to walk outside and look at the sky and be glad to be alive. I want to be a person who thanks God for giving me another day to live and then posts about how grateful I am on Facebook. I want to smile at people, not because I’m afraid they’ll see how sad I am if I don’t but because I really want to just...smile.

So, what did i really mean when I said, ‘I don’t know if I wanna be happy.’ I meant more along the lines of I don’t know if I want to give up my comfortability to be happy. I’m going on my 4th (5th?) year with doctor diagnosed depression and anxiety. That’s 1,460 days. That’s 2,102,400 minutes. That’s 126,144,000 seconds. Seconds I have gotten used to. Seconds I have gotten comfortable in. Seconds where I agonized over hating myself, my body image, my ‘daddy’ issues, and my abandonment issues. Seconds where I had set alarms in my brain for mental bashings. My mind would rest up and only really turn on when it was time to make a fool of me. When it was time to call me names and tell me no one loves.

It’s funny before Bojack i didn’t really watch sad shows that called me out on my bullshit. I tried to keep it light. Especially when smoking. When I was ready to turn my brain off I always tried to keep the mindless entertainment to shenanigans and good times. I tried to keep the storylines tight and the chances of having a happy ending with a clean resolution even tighter. But Bojack Horseman isn’t my usual. It made me realize that not only do I have hundreds of self destructive tendencies I don’t have the support system to deal with any of the problems I think I have. I feel like watching B.H, was a one sided therapy. I listened and then used the 5 seconds before the next episode and the 10 seconds of theme song to try and rationalize how I felt about myself. 

I know it’s not so crazy to think that Bojack’s depression is keeping me happily depressed because his depression did the same thing to Diane’s depression when she left Cordovia and didn’t tell Mr. Peanut Butter and decided to crash on Bojack’s couch for six months. Diane was so comfortable in the uncomfort of her depression because Bojack did it every day. And his life wasn’t too bad...was it? She was feeding her anxiety and her depression with Bojack’s feelings of depression and anxiety and maybe even PTSD. And when you keep something fed, it’s bound to grow.

Season 2 episode 12, titles Out To Sea, ends with Bojack Horseman pushing himself to jog up a hill by his house. Once he jogs up he collapses and stares at the sky. A baboon that had been jogging up and down the hill for most of the season comes into view and says, “Every day it gets a little easier… But you gotta do it every day — that's the hard part. But it does get easier.”. This was the first time I felt not alone. Or better understood. And I wasn’t even explaining myself to anyone. The wise baboon simply applied his stupid general knowledge to my life and I ran with it. He definitely meant just running but I had applied that meaning to my intentions on being happy. Being intentional about my happiness was going to be hard. But it was going to get easier. Everyday I did it. The hard part, was the fact that I would have to be intentional every day.

I read a tumblr post years ago, not sure if it was real or fake but I’ll use it as my closing piece because in all honesty who’s going to read this and who’s going to even give a shit? Anyways on the post a woman is talking to her younger girl family member, not sure about the relationship. But the younger girl tells the woman that she wants to be an astronaut. The older woman tells her that in order to do that she’ll have to go to school, go to college, train, and apply herself or something like that. The girl ponders the information for a minute and then responds. She says, “well that doesn’t seem too bad that’s only 4 things.” Now of course because i’m not a fucking child and I know what each indiviual thing holds i know, it’s technically 4 things with a hell of a lot of sub lists. (i.e. 1a...1b...2a...3d...) But when i remember reading the post, I remember thinking wow. The things we really want to accomplish are truly only a short list away. Being intentional everyday about my happiness is literally 1 thing. It’s all I truly need to do. But I’m so hung up on the sub points. About the things that stupid little girl wouldn’t think about. I shouldn’t call her stupid. She’s not stupid she’s hopeful. Or confident. Or whatever positive forward thinking term we have out right now. I don’t know if at the end of Bojack Horseman if I’ll find my one-step intentional happiness program but I do know something will be there.

Back in the 90’s I was in a very famous t.v. show...

[sirfrogsworth]

Titans

I’ve been watching the new Titans show. I don’t have a fully formed opinion yet. It’s been mostly enjoyable. 

I don’t know why DC insists on taking every property they have and saying, “Let’s make it dark and gritty.” It’s pretty clear they used half their budget on blood spatter effects. Though it’s kinda fun when superheroes say “fuck” a bunch I guess. But Robin is super brooding and that’s getting old in superhero stories. 

The story has been compelling and mysterious. The action is pretty well done. The fight choreography is decent but they do too many quick edits. Maybe I’m spoiled by Daredevil and that 12-minute one-take jail fight. 

I like the casting. Gar is very likable but needs funnier lines. And his CGI tiger is a little rough. I’m worried they can’t afford to change him into other animals. They say the tiger is green, but it just looks ill. Like he just ate a very old burrito or something.  

I read that people were upset that Starfire is black. The actress had to leave Instagram due to all the racist comments. I’m guessing they had trouble finding a naturally orange person for the role. Was no one from the planet Tamaran available? How dare they not do an interstellar casting call. *sigh*

Despite what the poopheads think, she is very badass in the show. She might be the most enjoyable character so far. Brutal when she needs to be, but with a twisted sense of humor that is very fun. 

The girl who plays Raven is also very good. They cast an actual teenager rather than a 27-year old that looks young. She is weirdly trusting in the show. Not to get too spoilery, but she just keeps following strangers she just met like a lost puppy. “You were just a green tiger so I guess it’s okay to follow you into the woods.”

They can only mention Batman in the series. Or show the back of Bruce Wayne’s head. I know part of the premise is Robin doing his own thing without Batman, but I still find myself saying, “Needs more Batman.” But I think that about pretty much everything. I’ll be watching a sitcom and think, “Needs more Batman.” I mean, how cool would Friends have been if Batman beat the crap out of Ross a few times?

“We were on a break!” “I’ll show you a break!”

There is one other weird thing I’ve noticed. No one has changed their clothes. It’s been days and they are all wearing the same thing. Maybe they just edited out the scenes where they visited the laundromat. Though I’m not sure Starfire’s dress is machine washable. 

Anyway... I think I’m going to stick with the show for the whole season. There is enough to like that I’m interested. Sickly tiger and all.

[sunfowers]

All the evens

ur really gonna do that , huh ?

2. Was it a gradual increase of trust and love, or was there a specific moment where you knew “I want to be with this person for a long time”? answered !

4. What’s your zodiac sign and mbti type? What about your partner’s? Do things like that reflect your actual compatibility or is it just bunch of bunk? im an aquarius and infj and kates a leo and infp and i know nothing about the supposed compatibility but i think that kind of stuff is intresting

6. Tell me a story about a happy experience you two shared. Something that makes your heart warm whenever you think about it. the first time we both fell asleep together just makes my heart !!!! i think that when i first started to accept that i actually loved her as more than my best friend

8. Are your families supportive? Does it matter if they’re not? her parents arent :-( but some of her siblings are of the lgbt community so they probably would be ! and my mom knows i like girls and i think ? she knows i have a gf but she doesnt know its kate , but im going to tell her as soon as i can . my brother knows about her too and he actually encouraged me to ask her out dhfshksksk but i dont think it really matters if our families are supportive or not . we love each other and we dont need anyones approval

10. Do you have children together? If not, are you both interested in raising children some day? shfkjshdk no and idk ! im not a huge fan of kids but i think i may want to adopt one in the future

12. If you’re having a bad day, what do they do to help? answered !

14. Have you ever went on a vacation or adventure together? Tell me about it. If not, do you have plans to do something fun in the future? no :-( but im pretty sure im visiting for spring break next year ! and i might try to get down there by the end of the summer but we’ll see !

16. What’s a piece of advice that your partner gave you that has resonated with you? that i dont have to feel bad or apologize for the way i am , i can just work on parts i dont like and learn to accept myself . and everything shes done to help me with my self worth

18. Describe the perfect day with your partner. It can be something that’s already happened, or something that you plan to do. not to be like That but , any day with her in person would be the perfect day . i really want to just lay in bed with her and listen to music and cuddle and make out tbh

20. What are the best restaurants to go to? Do you see movies at the theater? Do you do things like golf or bowling, just to bond more? we cant do any of these yet :-( but we watch movies on netflix together

22. Tell me about a time that you got into an argument over something serious. How did you compromise? What did you learn? i dont think we’ve had an argument yet ? we both are scared of confrontation and are too worried about accidentally making the other person mad to argue . its also the only perk of long distance that ive thought of

24. Do you have a shipname? hdfhskh @theraeandgo calls us elite

26. Has your partner ever inspired something creative like your art, writing, etc? Oh Yea , we both draw each other or make things for each other a lot dklsjflkjs

28. Has your partner ever changed one of your opinions on morals, politics, society, etc? probably ! but i have the memory of a gold fish so idk

30. Does physical affection and/or sexuality have a role in your relationship? Are both of your needs being respected and fulfilled? i mean .. we both are attracted to each other anf we’re happily dating so

32. Talk about your sense of humor, and your partner’s. Do you laugh a lot together? Which one of you is funnier? We Are Both SO Dumb And Neither Of Us Are Actually Funny We’re Just Too Big Of Fools To Realise It . but yea ! we laugh all the time but we both have the worst sense of humour like i’ll say something wrong anf itll derail the entire conversation and idk whos funnier were both just dumb !

34. Have there been any hardships that have ultimately brought you closer than before? we both have our rough patches and they just bring us closer , we’re each other’s support system

36. Tell me about what your partner is good at. Are they an artist, are they good at math, do they play a sport, etc? shes such an amazing artist !!! x x shes so smart and really good with words , i really like when she uses a big word and i have to look it up fjksdlfjls shes just so smart 

38. Let’s talk about life goals and hopes. Do you two have a similar idea for the future (regarding careers, getting a home, family, finding meaning)? Do you two make a good team? Can you imagine spending the rest of your life with them? i think so ! we haven’t talked about the future in depth that much since we’re both so young and we havent been dating for that long , but yea i can definitely see her being in the rest of my life , and i think our relationship has a really good dynamic and its not one sided and we work really well together

40. Is your partner on tumblr? Tag them here and write them a small message, it can be anything. heck yea @angellfallendown !! i hope this doesnt wake u up but i love you ! i hope you have a nice day tomorrow 💗 i cant wait to call you 💋 sweet dreams love

[riverflowsthroughit]

Author/Firefighter/Pilot, San Francisco - WOWWOMAN.COM

Aren't podcasts great? A voice, and a set of ideas were all I needed to get inspired and carry out bunch of research about the speaker - Caroline Paul. She was discussing her latest book Gutsy Girl, and it rang so true to me, that I was inspired to contact her and learn more. After months of trying to nail down common time, we met in a pub around Haight-Ashbury intersection in San Francisco, took some photos, unnerved hippies with our photo clicking and left knowing that we both participate in some crazy sports and share many other commonalities. Success in my books. It was hard to pin point the title for this post, because Caroline is more than an author, she is an adventurer, and not just adventurer, but think-outside-the-box adventurer. If you ever meet her, ask her to tell you a story involving the San Francisco bay, 4th of July and a kayak. Without further ado. 1. Name. Caroline Paul 2. Where is your hometown? San Francisco 3. What is your profession/career/title/self- label/designation? Writer/retired firefighter 4. What was the journey like to get where you are (career wise)? When was the mental shift to start the journey? (path through navigating all sorts of "male dominated" sports/careers and how you viewed it at the time and how you see it all having perspective, years later. Was it worth it, did it feel like it was "so out of the ordinary?" etc.) There were mental shifts each time I entered a new career, which I have done twice. When I became a firefighter, I was not expecting any seismic changes in my perspective. I had lived a life of pretty grand adventure and joining the San Francisco Fire department seemed an extension of that. I thought Sirens! Adrenaline! Big Fires! Of course, the job was so much more than that, and tested me in emotional ways I had not expected. The courage and integrity needed when doing CPR on a baby or giving oxygen to an elderly man who really just wanted some human contact, or treating the same heroin addict for an overdose for the third time that shift, or pulling dead kids from a crashed car – these far exceeded what it took to run into a fire, for me. It also took me by surprise how difficult it was to assimilate into a culture that was fundamentally male. I had many male friends, and I’d also been a pilot, a whitewater raft guide, and a paraglider and in these milieus I was more often than not one of the few females. But all that was a game compared to the firehouse, where the pressure was really on all the time to prove that I was strong and brave enough to be there. And in some ways it was a fruitless battle, because the sentiment against women ran so deep. It wasn’t unfounded – the job of firefighter is physically difficult – you carry a hundred pounds of equipment on you if you include the coats and boots and axes and airpacks, and THEN you have to work. And remember that Title 9, the law that guaranteed girls equal access to sports, had been only been ratified in 1972. So my generation was the first with a background in physical activity and so the first to embrace a culture of strength, teamwork, and courage. So women didn’t have a deep bench when it came to strong, adventurous women. As a result, I didn’t blame the men for their doubts, but the fact was that there were some of us that were very qualified and came to be trusted parts of a team. Being under such pressure for 14 years was no picnic though – you felt any mistake would reflect on all your fellow female firefighters. There was a flip side; I am very grateful for really understanding on a visceral level what it is to be excluded, what it is to be in the minority and what it is to face deep prejudice. Before that I was a pretty dumb white girl, blind to her own privilege, and all that she had not earned. I do want to say there were many very honorable men who were decent to me whether or not they actually thought I should be there. There were also men who were fine with women on the job, though they did seem to be in the minority. And ultimately I just loved the job – I searched for bodies in the bay on the SCUBA rescue team, I faced huge, raging fires, I birthed babies. Who can say that? 5. Biggest accomplishment since making the (physical/mental) move? After retiring I became a writer and I would say that publishing four books big New York publishers has been a big accomplishment. 6. What was biggest disappointment and plan to overcome it? I published two books without much difficulty. And then I wrote two novels, and two proposals and nothing would sell. Five years of my life! I was devastated and almost gave up writing. But then I wrote Lost Cat, A True Story of Love, Desperation, and GPS Technology, which did ultimately see the light of day. So I dug myself out of that dark hole, through persistence, a little skill, and a lot of luck. There was a small, dark place in my heart that wanted to send Lost Cat reviews and sales numbers to the editors and agents who had rejected that and all my other manuscripts. But the truth is that the writing of each one, rejected or not, made me better at my craft, so nothing was really a waste, nor perhaps should the rejected manuscripts have been loosed on the world. 7. Advice for other women? Persist. 8. Where in the world do you feel “tallest” (i.e. where is your happy place)? 1000 feet in the air, over Tomales Bay in my ultralight. Seeing seals or leopard sharks is a plus. 9. What are some of your favourite sports that may serve as a good spring board to get girls into action and fearless activities? If one had to start slow and get them comfortable with risk? Stand up paddle boarding is very easy to do but it feels badass, bc it’s on water and it can be a little difficult at first. There are also some things to keep an eye on – tides, and winds for example – so it’s a step up from walking down a trail. 10. What is it like staring fear (and I mean major fear, like dying) into face? During your sports, etc.? What was your self-monologue? I know that fear is telling me something, but it’s often not telling me to step down. In many situations the feeling of fear is a reflex or a reaction that has come too late. I was once blown out of a hallway during a fire and as I picked myself up after the explosion I was freaking terrified. But then your brain catches up and you realize, hey, it’s over, you’re fine. The truth is that now the situation had just gotten a whole lot safer – the explosion had happened and now conditions were tenable. Fear wasn’t relevant anymore. It was time to go back into the hallway, and put out the fire. 11. What fears are you still hoping to overcome? My fear of not being perfect. The problem with growing up female in the US is that there is a deep sense you have to do everything correctly and if you don’t you’re bad, but in fact I’ve seen that the most grace comes from simply recognizing you’ve done something wrong, saying sorry, and pledging to do it better next time. I want to be that person. I’ve tried to adopt the mindset that I’m going to be perfect at imperfection, and that has been helping. 12. Anything you'd do differently (if you had another go at life)? Wingsuiting. However I would have to be reincarnated with a tad more common sense and be a little less accident-prone. 13. What inspires you? Women who do rad things. I just saw a documentary about some female BASE jumpers. It’s frustrating that people don’t realize how many women are out there performing brave acts and adventuring at a very high level. For a long time I thought no women did things like wingsuiting bc I hadn’t read about any but I did a little digging and there are a core group. How many, I don’t know, but definitely more than none. And we should know this! 14. What are you hopeful about? That the younger generation will shift everything we are doing and save the world from us. Climate change will be stopped and we will kick fossil fuels and we will somehow reverse our swift overpopulation of this planet. Our wild places will be saved, animals and insects will not suffer or go extinct. Oh, hold it, did you say “hopeful”? I thought you said Pie in the Sky dream. Honestly I am not really a hopeful person. I am hopeful about puppies. But otherwise, not much. 15. What are you reading now? (what books do you gift most and what are your favourite reads?) I gift H.A. Rey’s The Stars. It’s a book on constellations. I think that looking at the sky gives us a sense of our place in the universe, which is, note to humans, TINY. We need to feel infintesimal if we are to survive, is my opinion. Am I on this rant again? Okay, I’ll get off it and add that when you look at the sky and recognize constellations, it’s quite comforting, bc there it is, the same sky almost where ever you go. 16. Who is/are inspiring “WOW Woman” (or Women) in your life (and why)? My twin sister. She is a dogged animal rights activist and all around kickass woman. My partner Wendy MacNaughton is an illustrator and she is the most creative person I know. She hates the word creative, but I don’t know how else to say it. Whatever the word is when someone takes an idea and makes it better/funnier/more poignant. That word. Better yet, she comes up with something that feels totally new, and you think Oh, Right, and your perspective is suddenly changed. Once you look through her work you’ll know what I’m talking about. 17. Where can others find you/your work (links to websites, blogs, etc.)? Carolinepaul.com @carowriter

[easynaturalhairstyle]

Here are the 20 Coolest Undercut Pixie Cuts I've Found

An undercut pixie cut is a ladies haircut with the sides or back shaved and separated from the short hair. In essence, it's an edgy cut that unites and invents two bold, versatile and sporty hairstyles to satisfy fashion-savvy rocker chicks.

There's nothing left to ask for from this low-maintenance look that gives a strong, yet feminine image. Although the short length, there are many styles you can go – pony, messy coif, and even a faux hawk!

You will be able to hold extreme cool-girl vibes with the help of some and achieve styling products like waxes and clay. Plus, dyeing your cropped hair with trendy fashion colors could complete the look.

Notable personalities who carried this androgynous style safely are Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry and Scarlett Johansson. San Antonio hair stylist David Solis does some of his insane work on pixie cuts with undercut and vivid colors, and you're definitely going to die!

It's Convenient, Flashy and Modern – If you need more reasons why you should get an undercut pixie, check out these popular pics below for your inspiration:

Nice for Thick Hair

How would you look this?

I love this elegant undercut pixie haircut because it's creative – a twist on an already edgy look. This is a double undercut pixie, as there is a clipper cut undercut, and at the top is a layered undercut with a separate top section that falls over both. The whole thing is shattered with a razor, so it's extra piece and punk rock. She can wear it upside down on both sides, messy like a lingerie and wear, or hit it with a hot tool to soften the look.

Any advice for someone considering it?

If you want to try something different, this is a great fun cut to rock. Minimal product usage and fast styling time make it super fun and versatile. Keeping to the shape is a pretty standard 6-week haircut appointment.

The funny part about the cut off layer is that you can come between the cuts and have the shaved so you get the most wear as the rest of the shape gets longer.

Straight, wavy or curly ladies (or boys) can wear it for any texture with a different look. If you have a lot of hair, the razor helps to collapse the shape so that it looks lived.

I could advise against this cut on someone with an extreme amount of hair or on someone who is not sure if you have short hair with your face shape, because depending on personal expectations, it might not fit with what you imagine. But for the most part, I think if you want to wear something, you should just do it. At the end of the day it's your hair and you should rock it the way you want it.

Long pixie

How would you look this?

This cut is a combination of a long pixie undercut that first started with clippers – with a number two guard and worked me down to a zero for your fade. In order to give the angled gaze for the upper part, I pulled everything back so that the pieces around your face gradually got longer. Cut the back directly above your occipital bone gives a nice shape (side profile) and volume. I overlaid the top and added a bunch of texture, so when styled, it does not fall flat.

The undercut pixie haircut with the Platinum blonde highlights adds another layer of wow, especially when you're trying to go an updated and easier way to switch from full color to highlights to blend in the gray. I cut out parts of your hair to get the maximum amount of blonde I could get to mix your gray, but still room for your natural color at the roots, so the grows out look intentionally (shadow rooted) ,

This look is so liberating, as most people do not have the guts to cut off half their hair. I love that this look has given my friend so much faith. My favorite part is that it turns heads! Not only does it make fun as a stylist to create that look, but I like to hear how many compliments she gets.

Any advice for someone considering it?

My client and friend is a mother of three, but can rock this edgy, modern look. Because you only have half a head of hair to deal with, having a busy lifestyle is a simple hairstyle! All you have to do is use a toning shampoo to hold the blonde, throw some uplifting foam and blow dry for volume. You can use a small round brush to lift the maximum amount of lift and my favorite thing to do is to piece with a light paste of aquage and define the strands of hair.

This finishing touch makes a big difference in the look! I would recommend this haircut to anyone because it is really customizable for you. Although my client has an oval face, someone with a round face can peel it off by leaving the edge a little longer to balance the look. You can leave your hair undyed, but the blonde really adds texture to my customer's naturally textured hair. From curly hair, straight, fine to thick, if you want to be released, I would suggest asking your stylist for this long / pixie undercut!

Cool undercut with design

How would you look this?

Undercuts can be a versatile look. It may be for those who want to reflect on their inner personality and for those who are looking to just control underlying styling issues such as cowlicks that were limiting a previous style.

My favorite part about undercuts is that every undercut is unique! It can stand out for the customer who wants to "whisper, talk or scream" for about 2 weeks before it comes out. You can not see the design, so you can change it faster than a person who only wants to dust every 6-12 weeks.

Any advice for someone considering it?

Although an undercut is pretty cool, consider the stylist who has the art of cutting it! Remember to have the ability to pay for that particular cut, because not everyone can draw! Do your research and make sure you have the budget for it. Also, if you have longer hair (past the shoulder length, etc.), consider consulting with your stylist!

Some people are totally married to their length and for whatever reason just want a drastic change just for a moment! This is a red flag for many US stylists! In most cases, consultations are free, and the discussion can be dismissed over your experience with the crowd, product choice to achieve the style, whether the cut will fit your entire profile, and to what you had in mind with many and many pictures to refer! Remember, it will take one and a half to three years for you to grow up again, which you have lost in length!

Upkeep is sometimes a problem as an undercut design is a high maintenance cut and a high dollar! Can you afford to keep your design on hand with the right products every 2-3 weeks? Or do you mind extending it to 5 weeks like a man's haircut and just touching it? Either way, you know your hair is going to grow again someday, and to keep the "cool" in it, you have to take care of it!

Undercut with rear view

How would you look this?

This look is an undercut with scissors over the crest on the sides and back, highly absorbed. The top is quite heavy, but with texture added in the ends as well as with the color. It was then vorgeleuchtet.

I love this look because it is very flexible, how it can be styled. There are far more variable styles than people might think. Here I added a few soft curves with a wand and lifted the front into a quiff. It can also be flatter and straighter for a sleek chic finish or messed up for a ruffled look.

We also play around with different toners, because on the preloaded hair, the overall picture can be changed with a different tone. We have used silver, blue, pink and peaches.

Any advice for someone considering it?

Be brave and go for it! This customer gets as many compliments on your hair as it is a statement and reflects your personality. She finds it easy to style with a small amount of products, maybe a styling paste or powder and a good shampoo and conditioner to keep the tone.

Super short undercut Pixie

How would you look this?

It's a feminine version of the trendy crop haircut with more length around the crown to build a mass that would create a bit more roundness, rather than keeping you too straight, as you would with a man. I also have a lot of texture on top, so you would be able to style in different ways. It's important to educate your customers how to style their hair. Never assume that you already know it.

What I love most about it is how it pulls you off. Not every woman would dare to rock a skin with super short bangs and yet women with soft and soft features seem to be the best candidates!

Any advice for someone considering it?

Consider the direction of your hair growth. Take care, as the pony are styled forward and not to the side. It is a very low maintenance that you have to update every 3/4 weeks.

As for products, I like to use a matte paste on wet hair, then dry it with a hair dryer and do it a bit with your fingers. This creates texture and a natural finish with just enough hold. My favorite is poker paste from L 'Oréal Professional.

Ideal for a round face

How would you look this?

The cut is buzzing and pales throughout the area under the crown with one side with longer protection on the side of the crown buzzing. The "shorter" side is completely exposed. The other side has a cheek length fringe that is blended into the shorter hair at the back of the head. The cut is sculpted with a shaved, hard part that shares the faded, exposed side and the longer edge.

Despite the fact that one side is constantly exposed, my favorite thing about this cut is versatility. When the fringe is about cheek-length, it can be worn and worn over the face, in a touch of the face and / or behind the ear or pushed back. Each style may reflect a different look and a different kind of edge or softness. Another advantage when it comes to this cut is that it can work with any hair color from natural tones to bright colors. If you feel comfortable with the faded side showing the natural color, the fringe can be colored a funnier color.

Any advice for someone considering it?

I would say that styling products are important to wear this haircut. My personal preference is a frizz control serum directly after washing and conditioning the hair. When it comes to styling it, be it the downtrend or quiff, I choose a hair wax to end the style and hairspray.

The versatility of this cut makes it a pleasure to style. It offers many styling options. I would base the style on a face shape and personal needs. Styling this cut takes a lot of time and effort. I would not call it a low-maintenance pixie. Styling and care require frequent trims. It's a learning curve when it comes to playing with it and adapting to it, but it's definitely worth the work!

In my personal experience, I find this cut to match thick hair, as most of the hair is cut off. For this cut, thin hair might look a little tight. With thick hair, the fringe still looks full and structured. However, it would work on both curly and straight hair.

I believe that you can pull off any haircut with any face shape if you have the confidence to work it! So if you have a long face, you prefer to keep some length on the sides to balance the look.

It is true that this cut is not for the faint of heart. You definitely have to be emotionally prepared to wear this look. It can help boost your confidence. Despite how short it is, it's not a wash-and-go haircut. The wearer would need to be able to allocate time to style it for the day.

Overall, if you are thinking of getting this cut, it can be scary, but I would recommend the jump. It gets more attention and compliments than you would think and can be very flattering.

Pixie cut with pony

Go Hack All With This Short! Curl it up while it avant-garde with a pixie cut with fringes and undercut to hold.

Trendy Gray Colored Pixie

If you have hair so cool, you do not need a statement because that says it all! The cool-toned ashy color works surprisingly for many skin tones, ideal for trying out an edgy style.

Texture cut for thin hair

Work around these castles and create layers and layers for texture. Mix in some color options for depth and extra attitude.

Blonde Pixie Submissing Fade

How would you look this?

The look is considered an unmistakable undercut. What makes this particular undercut is the fading of the skin. I love showing clients that skin is not just faded for men. Fades can be used to express strong and confident femininity from the person wearing the cut, especially when the bland is coupled with a dramatic style.

Any advice for someone considering it?

Fades These close are usually not in a salon but in a hair salon. Creating clean sections, the right hand position for height and distribution, and adding texture to personalize the top of the cut with scissors are as important as knowing how to fade. My advice to anyone looking to replicate this cut would be to see a barber who is a salon / stylist background.

Remember, there is no hairstyle for men or women. A haircut is defined by the person who wears it. Stay strong!

Undercut Pixie Haircut With Cute Pony

How would you look this?

This is a bare faded pixie cut, which is very textured and broken in the upper hair, but very soft in the faded sides and neck. It will grow nicely because there are no hard cuts. The color is a rose gold tone on the highlighted upper hair.

Any advice for someone considering it?

If you are looking for a bold but soft look for a short hairstyle, avoid hard lines and bend the weight line in the fade. As for styling products, I would use clay for a dry, structured, lived look.

Shaved pages

Reduce the excitement of styling by changing your hair style! Ideal for easy maintenance and also gives a new look.

Pixie with long pony

Layers combed above the face make long bangs. Pixie cuts usually use pony to create a wonderful balance of lengths.

Platinum pixie

Enrich your already flawless facial features with a stylish undercut pixie with side bangs.

Underbid Asymmetric Pixie

With this kind of short pixie cut with lines, I say, go big or go home, am I right?

Underbid Edgy Pixie

A short hairstyle often spells confidence. With an undercut and a wild hair color, it definitely emanates a certain amount of extra and glam in one.

Curly Pixie Underbid

The waves and curls add to the texture of the entire pixie cut undercut and complement length, layers and color.

Perfect Thin Hair Pixie

The petite girl's guide to looking like a doll: beautiful pony, purple hair and a super short pixie haircut!

Undercut Pixie Bob

I'm sure every hair length would be beautiful for you right now. But there is something about a short pixie bob with an undercut that will surely pull out your wild side.

Underbid Asymmetric Pixie

A cut as short as a pixie could really liven up your face and reveal your sharp features. The undercut is the statement about that cut, which tends to make the disproportionate appearance an asset.

Here are the 20 Coolest Undercut Pixie Cuts I've Found

[writetoremainsilent]

12/29/18 the accompanying story

This is the followup to my other 12/29 post. 

I wrote this, out of nowhere, just to try and get into Michael’s writing voice. It didn’t go so well. It also might have formatting issues because I’m copy-pasting it from a Google Doc. A tl;dr at the top, so AVOID this till after because spoilers (like you care): 

I came up with the bedtime story Michael tells his daughter first, and built the rest of the story around that. Hence, the rest of the story sucks immensely. I’m particularly displeased with latter half; I think it’s quite weak. But, whatever. Maybe I’ll work on this tomorrow and upload it again. Who knows. Anyway, enjoy!!

STORY!!!!

“Are you going to tell me a story?” the little girl asked.

The tired man sighed. It was 10:30 in the night, and he had just gotten back from his commute home. He was tired. The little girl was not.

The mother, formerly known as the love of his life, was fast asleep. Her shift had ended. His was just beginning.

He looked into the little girl’s shining, expectant eyes. They were dark and looked just like his not beautiful, but the happiness inside them was. Suddenly, he felt how much power he had over her. He could snuff out her joy with just a single word, and she couldn’t do anything about it.

Of course, he didn’t. He sighed again and sat down next to her on the bed. The little girl handed him a book, one of those stupid three page cardboard cutouts with the animals that have the sense to speak to one another, but not the sense to figure out their pitifully simple dilemmas.

When he took it from her, it was almost as though he could hear the snickering of the money-grubbing rats that wrote these sorts of things. The tired man opened the book and shaped his mouth to form the first sentence.

(Piggy was hungry)

He couldn’t do it. It was just...so stupid. So instead he shut the book and turned to the little girl. He rubbed his hand over his face and said, most solemnly, “How about I tell you a story that my father told me when I was around your age?”

His father had done no such thing. But, kids are kids, and the little girl was no exception. She looked as though she were being let in on some ancient ancestral tale. Her eyes shone even more, and he felt like he was going to be swallowed up by their gleeful blackness.

“Can you, please?” the little girl asked. At least she had manners.

He licked his lips and nodded, and began to improvise:

“There were two brothers attending a high school. Both brilliant, both set on successful paths.

One of the brothers was very outgoing, the other was a bit of an introvert. Er, sorry. A shy fellow. Yeah.

Unfortunately, the outgoing brother, whom we’ll name Greg, kind of fell in with the wrong crowd.  Bad influences, my dad would’ve called them. Or wait, he did call them that. Anyway, these guys were real trouble-makers. They’d drink and drive (which is illegal, at any age), they’d smoke cigarettes (which is illegal, at that age), and they’d make an overall ruckus on the school campus (which isn’t exactly illegal, but it is pretty annoying). Greg relieved some of his academic stress by drinking with these children, which is illegal at that age. He hid it from his parents pretty well, but not from...

...the introvert brother, whom we’ll name...uhhhh...Michael. Yes, I know that’s my name. Just listen. Michael was a stellar child. He didn’t do anything or say anything that his parents didn’t approve of. In fact, he was more of a goody two-shoes than they were.

Obviously, he and Greg didn’t see eye-to-eye with their pastimes. Greg partied, and Michael read. But Michael, being a kind and gracious brother, never said a thing to his parents. Which, if you ask me, is pretty bad, considering that his brother would drink and drive, which is illegal. Shoot, I’m digres–getting off topic.  

Anyway, uh, yeah, these two brothers had different outlets for having fun, and spent countless nights apart from each other, indulging in these outlets. One such fateful night, the brothers’ parents were out on a ‘date night,’ which is when two parents trick themselves into thinking they can have a fun and romantic time together. Greg had driven to his friend’s house, and had drank a lot. That’s illegal at that age. And Greg, having never discussed these things with his parents, found it appropriate to drive back home after having drank, which is illegal. And so he told his friends ‘see you later’ and climbed into his car.

Beautiful car, by the way. His parents bought it for him as a birthday–sorry, sorry. I forgot you don’t like fun things. Anyway, he climbed into the car.

Now, can you tell me what happens when you’re drunk? No? That’s probably a good thing. Well, your brain doesn’t work properly. You get very, very dizzy, like those times I’ve seen you spin around in the living room and then fall down. Greg was very much feeling this dizziness on the drive home. He swerved in the lane, and had forgotten to turn on his headlights, meaning he couldn’t see very well. Thankfully, the roads were empty, but he was an accident waiting to happen.

He swerved, and swerved, and kept going back and forth. Eventually he came upon a red light, but didn’t realize he had to stop. He kept accelerating, and–

–And two armed robbers entered the house where Michael was reading all alone. They began cramming items into a large sack, and Michael heard them. He crept downstairs, quiet as can be. Well, that’s what he thought. They heard him, and one of the robber didn’t think. He just drew his gun and shot and shot until Michael was more lead than flesh. See, bullets are made of lead. We’re made of flesh.

Michael died, alone and in agony. The robbers cleaned the house and left him bleeding and dirty.

And Greg? He got home, safe and sound.”

The little girl was shaking. The tired man sighed and yawned, even more spent after telling this stupid, made-up story. They sat side by side in silence.

“What happened after that?” the little girl peeped out after a while.

“Eh? Nothing really,” replied the tired man. He really was exhausted. He wanted nothing more than for the little thing to just shut up and sleep.

“I can’t tell what the moral is,” whispered the little girl.

He gnashed his teeth. Moral. What a weighty word for a six-year-old to use.

“The moral is that people never get what they deserve,” he said. “Good night.”

“She was crying to me earlier this morning. Bawling about how she was gonna be found dead after some robbers break into our house. What the fuck were you thinking?”

The tired man, exhausted by sleep, sighed. The mother was grilling him for his less-than-child-friendly bedtime story, which he personally had thought was riveting.

Apparently, not so much.

The mother continued to deliver gut-punches, spouting things like “been distant ever since she was born” and his being a “reluctant father.” The tired man didn’t have the energy to retort. He didn’t have the energy to feel anything.

He waved, saying “I’ll see you when I’m back,” and headed out the door.  He’d forgotten it was his turn to drop off the little girl.

The mother stood there, mouth agape, in her suit and briefcase. She recovered in an instant, and got the little girl ready for school.

The time bomb detonated.

He found himself in some apartment closer to the city; a dilapidated neighborhood where rent was minimal and care for tenants even more so. The little girl didn’t ask to go with him, and he didn’t ask her to come with him.

He closed his eyes in the empty living room and sat down. He replayed the final moments over and over again. The moments were mostly a bunch of signatures, so they weren’t exactly scintillating replays.

At night, he plopped the futon left over from his college days

(back when they were in love)

in the living room and lay there, shivering. He was going to be tired in the morning.

The tired man drew the blanket over his aching body and slept like a baby.

He woke up feeling the same as when he fell asleep.

He reached for his wife and found that there was none. It was damn cold in this new place.

The tired man sat up and rubbed the sleep from his eyes. He checked the clock. A quarter past when he’d be taking his lunch break. He sighed (as is characteristic of tired men) and got up. His joints cracked and creaked and groaned, and he did with them.

He began his morning routine, splashing cold water on his face and finding it warmer than his futon. He brushed, shaved haphazardly, and dressed for work.

White collared shirt, black tie, slacks, sneakers.

He looked at himself in the mirror and decided to skip work for the day.

The tired man sat down on a bench by the river, and cradled his head in his hands. It was all crashing down on him.

She had looked so beautiful in those goggles and that goofy white coat. She was positively radiant when the TA, who was almost definitely high, assigned him to be her lab partner.

He was so much happier then. And funnier too. She laughed at almost all of his jokes, and he would laugh with her.

They took it slow, and then fast. His parents didn’t approve of getting married while in college. In fact, they thought it was idiotic.

So he did what any child excels at doing: he ignored them.

Time flew by, and she wanted kids. He wanted her, so he wanted kids too.

And then the little girl was born.

He should’ve felt proud, holding the tiny thing in her arms, seeing her little eyes flutter and hearing her diminutive heart make the lub-dub that his did. He should’ve felt proud, when she opened her eyes and her mouth and wailed, and he could see that she looked so very much like he did.

But he didn’t.

The love of his life started paying more attention to the little girl. He became lowest priority.  It stung him. The little girl became a problem to him. Fortunately, he was quite good at ignoring her. Unfortunately, the mother was not.

So they raised her together: him begrudgingly, and the mother most joyously.

The man became tired of this. He wanted love and affection.

The man grew tired: work became more demanding.

The man grew tired: he could not bring himself to love the child.

The man grew tired: he and the mother ended their physical relationship. It was never expressly said, but one day he came home from work and went straight to sleep, and that was it for them.

The man was tired: he suspected his brain was simply wired that way.

All he wanted was for the mother to love him above all else, like he thought he did her.

And instead of that, he got a eleventh-rate lawyer and a piss-poor settlement.

He yawned. His cheeks were wet. His throat was sore. He was so very tired.

Time passed. The tired man survived from day-to-day. He kept to himself. He kept himself busy.

On an unrelated note, everyone at the local dives knew him. The tall, bumbling recluse who slurred before his drink and was unintelligible after it. They didn’t know where he worked, or what he did. Neither did he.

The day was the little girl’s twelfth year. The tired man had been seeing a therapist, and decided to discuss the little girl this session, a topic he rarely broached.

“I didn’t love her,” he mumbled, slumped in his chair.

His therapist, a rather long-necked fellow by the name of J. Daniel, said nothing. He really was a fantastic listener.

“I don’t love her. I won’t love her,” continued the tired man.

The therapist stayed silent.

“I mean, she ruined my marriage!”

The therapist stayed silent.

The tired man closed his eyes, imagined his daughter, and felt his heart seize up.

The session was a failure. He left the office with a lighter wallet and a much heavier conscience.

He stumbled into his car and turned the engine over.

(Which is illegal, at any age)

The tired man squinted. It was late, and the road was hard to see. The lights all blended together, making a wonderful rainbow of light pollution.

He really couldn’t see all that well. His head was throbbing, and he felt dizzy. He swerved when he thought he was about to hit something, some weird dark blob that might have been scuttling across the street. Thankfully, the road was pretty empty.

The tired man, however, lost control after swerving. He careened awkwardly, and his stomach lurched and bucked and swerved with the car. His knuckles were white as he clutched the wheel, unsure of what to do and unsure of how to do it. He distantly realized the car was tipping, and then he was somersaulting over and over, the windows shattering, his head whiplashing, his arms flailing. He screamed when he saw the corner of the building rush up to meet him, and–

–and his daughter woke up in the middle of the night to one of the worst headaches she’d ever experienced. She didn’t know it, but she was undergoing a ruptured aneurysm. Her brain was hemorrhaging, bleeding uncontrollably, and she would be dead by the morning.

She didn’t deserve it.  

[invisiblenotbroken]

Gas Lighting: Searching For Chronic Illness Diagnosis in American Healthcare System (Its' funnier than it sounds and just as frustrating)

Did I get lucky! I got to make a new friend. I hope you enjoy listening to Jen. She is an amazing poet and at the end of the interview you can hear two very powerful poems. She is hilarious and strong. She has been dealing with being sick and frail even though she has made massive changes (loosing 100lbs) and has just started in on her 40's. We talk about parenting with a chronic illness, the American healthcare system (buckle up its' about to get political), the importance of art when you can't get out of bed, and how important friendships are especially when you are dealing with chronic invisible illness. 

Ms. T's Answers {More Bad Ass Than Mr. T}

Jen Toal (with her amazing poetry she did not Age 40

Conditions

PTSD, Chronic Pain, Extensive nerve injury  nerve injuries in both arms, Not Quite Fibromyalgia (is that a thing?), planters fasciitis, Anxiety/Depression

(...Hang on, maybe Ehlers-Danlos?? Amazing the things you can learn doing podcast interviews...) After watching Jen through the interview I was impressed at all of the crazy shapes she was making while stretching. She also has the swan deformity and so many other symptoms of the disorder I have.

I can remember school officials started stepping in around middle school to try to help Mom and I address my symptoms. They couldn't find much obviously wrong with me, except for some scoliosis. In high school I was given special locker accommodations each year to try to help reduce the load on my body and as an eighteen year old, our family doctor explained to me that I was experiencing the same daily pain as most eighty year olds. This was before the injuries of my twenties and thirties.

I didn't get far working with that doc because growing up means losing access to health care in our country. 

 In my early twenties I was working in tech support and saving for further college when all the nerves on both my arms were blown out by repetitive stress from typing. I spent the next several years in surgery and disabled. I got LOTS of doctor attention, but only on the subject of my work injuries. They were there to repair me from what they had done, not heal me overall. 

 The worst part of those years was being unable to draw. 

 In my thirties I found reasons to stop giving up on my life, most notably my husband, John, and our sweet child. John and I changed so many of our daily habits that together we lost three hundred pounds. 

https://www.facebook.com/shapeshifterconfessions/

 Losing 45% of my pre pregnancy body weight has done amazing things for my health, but it's not the miracle cure it *looks* like from the outside. For one thing, jumping up out of my sick bed to chase my snugly little kettle bell around gave me a wicked case of Plantar Fasiitis. It's a remarkably painful addition to my dappling of symptoms, but was acceptable collateral damage to me.

 1. Who were you before your illness became debilitating?

A child. 

 2. Is there anything you would do if you were not sick? 

There are so many things. I would have so much more of a career. I would travel. I would go out in the evenings and be around people. I would make so much more art. 

 3. What should other people know about our daily life?

That it's super easy for them to forget, but it's always there, reminding me. That it's exhausting to manage pain.

 4. What would make living and moving in the world easier for you?

Single Payer Healthcare and Universal Basic Income. 

 In my twenties I spent a lot of time with people who liked to play, "What if we won the lottery??" My answers always began with access to doctors and therapists.

 5. Life hacks?

Tennis balls are my latest favorite backpack staple. I sit and lean on them for point massage. They are especially magical for car trips, which have always been rugged for me.

My backpack itself is my favorite tool, but like many medications that come with side effects, the magic bag does sometimes get ridiculously heavy.

 6. Support from family or friends?

I married really well. My husband is marvelously supportive and encouraging. My mother would help more if she were closer. 

Friend community cares from afar, but we are all spread so perilously thin...

I saw this art show with a display that said, "We are living in an era that is testing the limits of everyone's compassion." I worry about all of us. Times are tough, and getting tougher, and I don't feel like my communities have the space to hold me up. Not because they don't care, but because they're fighting so hard to keep themselves going.

 7. Do you find that people do not believe you are sick because of your appearance? How has this affected you positive or negative?

Yes. All the time. It's horrible. I spend a bunch of time disappointing the humans around me because I look so healthy, especially after my weight loss, but I am still frustratingly limited.

 8. How has this affected your relationships?

It torpedoes them sometimes. On the other hand, it can allow for deep bonding when we understand each other.

 9. What are you afraid to tell even the people closest to you?

How bad the pain is. How pervasive it is. How scared I am of the future.

 10. Does the fact that your disease is invisible change how healthcare professionals treat you?

Yes. They often disbelieve me. I've been accused of being drug seeking. Which is pretty funny, given how much time John spends trying to convince me to take something.

 11. Best coping mechanism?

Diffuse awareness. Forgetting. Drawing.

 12. Favorite swear word?

John says if hell counts, it's hell. Lol

I have a hard time picking. Shit, fuuuuuuuuuuuuuck, godsdammit.

 13. What are you the most fearful of and what are you the most hopeful for in the future?

I'm terrified that I'll be unable to support my family in the ways they need me. I'm hopeful about the ways I have learned over the years that people make their livings with skills I totally retain access to, even as my spacesuit gets quietly wonkier...

Cardboard Decades

 when i say ricky was my best friend, what i mean is 

he was my first consensual sexual partner

i turned 5 while mom and i lived in his mother's house

he was 6

 i once pulled his little brother, fallen-comrade-style, 

across train tracks in the very nick

wouldn't know for decades how scared i should've been

 they taught me prank calling and ladybug sailing 

how to be kind to the kind doberman 

and keep my dolls far away from the angry one

 ricky and i were softness and exploration 

in an already cruel and confusing world

  i remember being 8 or so 

sun-drenched in the back of my grandmother's very nice car

i wouldn’t know for decades about love languages 

but i knew in california i was given things, but few hugs

and in texas, hugs, but few things

 i preferred hugs

 but it was well known that "daddy warbucks" 

and family had more money than made any sense

and they didn't get as much time to be affectionate

so it made sense

that they'd want me to have touchstones of affection

when i went back to my mother's wars

 how could they know?

 mom would send them letters, 

as she says, "full of things we never did. 

places we were never going to be."

 it wasn't just that we couldn't get above the poverty line

 i wouldn’t know for decades the term “human trafficking” 

 my poor mother.

 i also hadn't learned the different ways a car can sit 

that day i was walking home

with ricky

mom pulled over

countenance confusing

told me only i could get in

drove away

before telling me we'd never go back

 i would never say goodbye

 i wouldn’t know for decades

that the reason no one understands 

what i mean when i say 

we “moved a lot” when i was a kid 

is because i don't understand 

what i should be saying 

is we were homeless 

for more of my childhood

than i had realized.

 only way to explain 

we have to move whenever someone gets mad

 or

 my doll protects me from the mean girl

i share a bed with 

 or

 we take my most evil stepdad back

eleven times

 he's charming

and when he's around churches don't have to bring us things

 or

 the motels. national parks. so many places 

i stop calling where i sleep anything other than "the house"

know if i learn the path from house to grocery, it’s probably time to go

 try out different versions of my name in different schools

  sometimes compassion is a shovel to the gut

often my mother wakes up screaming

 i’ll never know how many trains she pulled us from the teeth of.

 only reluctantly came to see the damage of 

rootlessness on a childhood

 perpetual motion was our only way of survival. 

 i ran into ricky a couple years later

awkward amongst other kids

eons away from the life we had shared

 i’ve been trying to shift my relationship with cardboard

dismantling all my boxes

learning to build some belief

 i might just get to stay

 advice i am giving myself

upon meeting new soul mates

 stand solidly 

if you are able

hold your form fluid 

brace for beauty

 and the way it always 

knocks you over

 notice press of globe

up through soles

 marvel at the moments experience

and universal 

shake hands

 trade knees

 compare the roads you have run

the trees you jumped out of

the places your jeans have worn through

 skip right past groins and sex

this isn't that poem

 and connection

can be better

for being less obvious

 instead

press your belly buttons together

a meeting of absences

 shared space to frame things

 frame things

redo this if it

feels more truthful

  consider the strengths of your mat

let the space placed around

your best work

have its own things to say

 say things

out loud

 experience is meant to be shared

 and no one needs your 

perspective

more than a soul mate

 trade scars stories 

(tattoos totally count)

 tell each other tales of the ways 

the world hasn't ended

even if it left a mark

 breathe

 feel belly press belly

laugh

 you've been sucking down discord

all day

 like too little sleep

too much wireless

and a fundamental disconnect

from how our species evolved

to thrive

 agree to thrive anyway

 slice out space for each other

in the places you

forget to feel shame 

 allow yourself

and each other

forgiveness

  for everything you’ve ever believed was wrong with you.

 there’s never been anything wrong with you.

except not knowing there was nothing wrong with you.

 forgive yourself 

for lying to yourself

in order to stay small

 it’s okay to not be everything

 we are all of us everything together

and we forget we don’t have to 

do it alone

 give up the notion 

you may somehow 

be on the same page

 you’ve only just collided 

from across the cosmos

 the particular constellation 

of harmonic convergences 

your empty spaces 

express

as you pass through each other

 are not the same

as being the same

 we are stronger for our differences

 befuddling though they be

 decide this is the game

and that you are always winning.

 because you are.