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thanksjro · 3 years

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Bayverse: Treating These Movies with More Dignity than They Deserve or Contain, Because I’m a Goddamned Professional - Part One

TRANSFORMERS (2007) - UNCOMFORTABLE SEXUAL TENSION BETWEEN TEENAGERS THAT I DIDN’T NEED TO SEE

So.

This is a little different than what I usually do.

Clearly.

God, how did we even get here?

Oh, I remember.

The date was September 17th, 2020, and I was in a stream with nine or ten other people watching the first Bayverse Transformers movie. Why we were watching it doesn’t particularly matter- sometimes you just gotta watch garbage so you can refresh your palate for the good stuff, I suppose. Also, a couple of folks wanted to make goo-goo eyes at Blackout’s rotors.

...It’s not my thing, but I’m glad they’ve got something to make the journey worth taking.

I made some sort of comment about only using my brain for this blog’s content, and someone (you know who you are :)) suggested that I take a proper look at the film. Being who I am, I immediately latched onto this idea, despite it being technically outside of what I write about.

And then I quintuple-downed, because winners don’t quit.

Good to know that my BA in Film Production wasn’t a complete waste of time.

Fun fact, I broke my television trying to watch Transformers for this. I think the universe was trying to stop me, by making me perform surgery on electronics, and also aggravating my carpal tunnel.

This movie came out when I was 13, and it was the first Transformers thing I saw after Cybertron. Yes, the anime one. No, not the one that’s objectively terrible.

Anyway.

How did I feel about Transformers when I saw it the first time? Well… it was okay. I liked the robots. I thought Mikaela was pretty, not that I knew what that meant back then. I watched it a few times, if only because my oldest younger brother kept renting it at Blockbuster. It was fun.

Now I’m older, and wiser, and know feminist theory, so my opinion is less “this exists” and more “blind, murderous rage”.

Our film opens up with some claptrap about the Cube™, a MacGuffin of ultimate power that allows the Transformers to create worlds in their image and populate them. Which means this is how they reproduce.

It always comes back to baby-making, doesn’t it?

The narration goes on about how the Cube™ is very powerful, and some folks wanted it for good, and others for evil. The criteria for being “good” and “evil” isn’t established, and I’m not exactly sure how one would define such a thing, when all the Cube™ does is create life, but, well, we’ve only just begun. Maybe we’ll get some answers later on.

Haha, I doubt it.

So, the Cube™ is the catalyst for our 4 million year war this continuity, and that sucker was lost in the shuffle a while back. This is a problem, because, again, the Cube™ is how the Transformers reproduce. Now everyone’s in a mad scramble to find the thing so their species doesn’t die out.

Three guesses as to where it ended up, and the first two don’t count.

Smashcut to the shit nobody cares about- the humans. We see an Osprey fly over the Qatar desert, carrying a buttload of American soldiers. We get a taste of some good old-fashioned xenophobia, as several soldiers mock a guy for not speaking English and loving his mother’s cooking, going full “funny haha gibberish language” on him. We’re two and a half minutes into the film, and I already want to stab something.

Ed Sheeran breaks into the conversation, I guess because he was feeling left out, revealing that he is the New Yorker stereotype of the film, for some reason. The fellas ask their captain, Lennox, what he’s looking forward to most about getting home from their tour, and he reveals himself to be a family man. While he’s been away, his wife had a baby, who he hasn’t so much as held yet. His men respond by mocking him.

For loving his child.

We’re three minutes into the film, and the toxic masculinity might actually make me have an aneurysm.

The Ospreys land, the lads disembark, and we get a snapshot of what downtime during deployment looks like to Bay. There are a lot of kiddie swimming pools involved. Two men play basketball. We watch multiple men take outdoor showers. A young Qatari boy brings Lennox a camelback water pack with a smile on his face. This lets me know that he’s a prop and not a character in this film. I can’t wait to see how many horrors he’ll be put through to simulate pathos.

We get a shot of a helicopter flying over the desert, one that the US military doesn’t recognize as their own. They send a couple of planes to check it out, and said planes get their shop wrecked. The helicopter is revealed to be the same ‘copter that was shot down several months prior. That’s… not good. Ghost helicopter?

No. Not at all, actually.

Lennox gets on a video chat with his wife and daughter, who is wearing one of the most ridiculous baby outfits I’ve seen in a hot minute. And I used to work in childcare, so I’ve seen a good amount of those. The writing implies that normal bodily functions are unladylike and therefore undesirable… in an infant… and that’s when all hell breaks loose, thankfully saving me from more of Bay trying to make me give a shit about these characters.

The helicopter lands, we get a shot of the mustachioed pilot, who glitches (gasp), and the line “have your crew step out or we will kill you” is uttered. Not even trying to hide the nationalism, are you?

This film hit theaters in 2007, when the xenophobia from 9/11 was still heavy in the air of the general populace, so things like this were more tolerated, and in fact approved of. Of course, it’s not like America has really improved on that subject, or ever really had a point where we weren’t terrible about it, since we live in a world where the military-entertainment complex exists.

See, the Department of Defense and a good chunk of American entertainment industries have a little deal going, and have for the last few decades, and it goes like this: The DoD will allow the use of their vehicles, personnel, and bases, or the likenesses of such, for free, in exchange for their operations being shown in a positive/morally justified light. This is why you never see the armed forces portrayed in a way that makes them out as anything less than heroes- nobody would be able to afford the sets/likenesses without the DoD’s aid. This is also why you see straight-up advertisements for the military branches on televison, in cinemas, and online, and why both the Army and Navy have flirted with having Twitch channels.

It’s all a ploy to get you to join the military, kids. It’s propaganda.

But enough about that, it’s time for our first transformation sequence!

We get a lot of moving parts with this, since it’s realistic CGI in a live-action movie, and it still holds up. It’s hard to tell what’s actually happening, but it, if nothing else, feels alien, surreal, and horrific to behold. They even included the original sound effect in the cacophony, which is nice.

Our ghost helicopter reveals itself to be a Transformer, not that we get that terminology at any point in this film. This specifically is Blackout, a Decepticon. The soldiers start firing on him the moment he starts transforming, then are surprised when the thing they started shooting with several guns retaliates. This is the point where everything ever in this military base explodes, brilliantly and repeatedly, because it wouldn’t be a Bay film without it. There’s a lot of shouting and bright lights, and I’m positively certain that a great deal of people died during this fight.

It’s just a shame that I don’t care.

Blackout rips the top off of a building like it’s a tin of anchovies, and then snags all the hard drives he can, downloading everything. This is a problem, but it seems like nobody was prepared for a giant alien robot hack-attack, because in order to shut down the power to the servers, you need to be able to unlock the breaker box, and no one seems to have the key. They solve the problem with a fire ax.

Lennox is leading the Qatari boy through the base towards safety. I should mention that it’s night now, and several hours seem to have passed since the Ospreys landed, so I don’t know why this kid is still here. He’s got, like, a house and family to go home to.

We get some more tank-throwing action, Sergeant Epps almost gets flattened under Blackout’s foot, then the movie decides it’s going to try to make things more interesting by having each shot cut flash, for whatever reason.

Someone shoots Blackout with a rocket launcher, I think, and this is the point where he throws his tiny little man off his back to go do his job. Yes, Blackout’s got a baby, and that baby is Scorponok, his symbiotic pal who likes to dig into the ground and be a sneaky little bastard.

Blackout blows up a ton more military equipment and personnel, and then it’s time for another smashcut.

Now we’re in high school, just like all those dreams I’ve had where I’ve forgotten my homework. This is where we meet Sam Witwicky, our main character, and also the stand-in for our target demographic. He’s insufferable, and I don’t like him. Mikaela Banes, our love interest, is also present in this scene, but we don’t get to know about her character for, like, another 20 minutes, because who gives a shit about women, right? They’re just props, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Sam is presenting on his great-great-grandfather, Archibald Witwicky, for his family genealogy report, in front of a class containing maybe three actors who are age appropriate.

I know child labor laws are a good thing, and that hiring adults to play teenagers is just the lay of the land, but I swear some of these students look like they’re old enough to be on their second mortgage and third kid.

Anyway.

Archibald Witwicky was an explorer, one of the first to traverse the Arctic circle, and apparently his crew was made up of folks from 2007, because I swear the clothing for a few of these dudes isn’t period-appropriate. We get a seamen joke, because of course we do, and a sextant joke, because of course we do. Sam is also hawking all this crap he’s brought in for the presentation, because he is a little bastard who has no idea what his peers would want to buy, or really how to relate to them at all. He’s selling these “priceless” artifacts so he can get a car. Mikaela finds this charming, for some fucking reason. Also, her boyfriend is weirdly stroking her shoulder blade with his knuckles the whole time this is happening, and I hate it.

Archibald Witwicky went mad after his expedition, talking about an “ice man” so often that his family ended up locking him in a mental asylum, likely to be forgotten about. Which is sad. But we won’t be getting into the medical mistreatment of the mentally ill in Bayverse, now will we? That’s just Too Deep™.

Sam’s teacher didn’t very much appreciate having his class be turned into an episode of Antiques Roadshow, but still gives Sam an “A” on the project, despite it being a very poor report that lasted all of two minutes. I suspect the teacher has tenure, and therefore no longer gives a shit about academic integrity. This “A” means that Sam’s father will buy him a car.

Which is nice, I suppose, if I gave a damn.

Sam’s father, Ron, picks up his son in a car he probably bought at the crux of his midlife crisis, in a green that reminds me of a school gymnasium floor, then plays a prank on his child by pretending to pull into the Porsche dealership. Sam isn’t getting a Porsche, which is good, because he doesn’t deserve one. As Sam gripes to his father, a yellow Camaro drives by oh so conspicuously. Wonder what’s up with that.

Instead of the Porshe dealership, they head over to the used car lot, which is being run by Bobby Bolivia, who spends his time yelling at his employees and wanting to murder his mother. Sam is incredibly ungrateful about the fact that his dad is helping him get a car, even though it’s his FIRST car, and nobody gets a nice one the first go around. Or, at least, they shouldn’t, given the statistics about accidents with young drivers.

“No sacrifice, no victory” is uttered by Ron, which is the family motto, or so he claims. Archibald Witwicky said the same thing when he had multiple people dying trying to get to the Arctic Circle, so there’s precedence for the phrase, but we’ll see how it holds up throughout the film.

Bobby Bolivia shows Sam and Ron the cars he has for sale, and Sam is immediately drawn to the yellow Camaro in the lot, though there’s a small problem- it’s too expensive for what he and his father agreed to. Also, nobody knows where the hell it came from, so paperwork might be an issue. When Bobby tries to show Sam the yellow Beetle they have right down the line, everything explodes, because this is a Bay film, and fuck the original material this movie was based on. Bobby lets them have the Camaro for a lower price, suddenly fearful of whatever strange powers have just visited his place of business. “The car picks the driver” is suddenly more than a bullshit line to spout off in order to sell cars, and I’m certain that’s shaken the poor man.

Over in Washington, D.C., the Secretary of Defense prepares to address just what the hell happened in Qatar, lamenting on how young the audience he’s going to be speaking to is. In particular, he’s referring to the two dweebs and the hot chick sitting in one of the rows. All the women in this movie who aren’t someone’s mom are made up to be very pretty. And not even in a realistic way. But we’ll get to that in a bit.

So, the military network was hacked. That’s bad. Nobody knows who did it. That’s also bad. The only lead the US has is a soundbite, which is the signal that hacked the network.

Everyone here at the briefing is going to be helping to figure this mess out. This is great, if you like looking at Rachael Taylor for a few seconds at a time, and can compartmentalize hard enough to make that worth the effort of watching this godforsaken film.

Back at the Witwicky household, we meet Mojo, a chihuahua with a cast that doesn’t seem like it’s actually doing anything. I wish he was the main character instead of Sam.

Sam arrives home from the dealership, and says “alright, Mojo, I’ve got the car. Now I need the girl.”

As if ownership of a person is something to aspire to.

As if women are property to be owned.

As if women aren’t people, but rather commodities.

We’re 17.5 minutes into this film.

We’re introduced to Judy, Sam’s mother. She’s shrill, and annoying. This is by design, because none of the women in this film are actually people, but rather archetypes to bounce off of the male characters.

Sam and his father have a moment of what some might consider banter, then Sam gets huffy with his mom over gender roles for the dog. I, for one, think Mojo looks positively dashing in his bedazzled collar, and to hell with whatever Sam says to the contrary.

Sam drives off to go be a misogynist, with the promise to be back by 11PM.

Over in Qatar, the soldiers and that little boy are running from the attack on their base, as Lennox’s wife watches a public announcement on the matter back at home. The Secretary of Defense lets us know that we’re at DEFCON Delta at this point. Lennox Jr. cries, and all I can think about is how they probably pinched that baby to make that happen. They pinched a baby for Transformers (2007).

The soldiers in Qatar talk about shit they have no idea about, Sergeant Epps going on about somehow having been able to see a forcefield around Blackout through his super special binoculars. I don’t know how, or why, he knows this. I don’t know anything anymore.

Ed Sheeran has his doubts about this whole thing, and Lennox is also present in the scene, because I guess he’s important. Through a bit of dramatic irony, Fig- the guy everyone was making fun of for being bilingual at the start of the film- says that this probably isn’t over, as the shape of Scorponok shifts through the sand just beyond them.

Epps is having a minor crisis over the fact that Blackout saw him, but we don’t have time for that, because we’ve got to get to cover. The lads decide to head to the little Qatari boy’s house. Again, I wonder why he was at the base at all, considering that it seems like they’ve been traveling for a good portion of the day.

Back with Sam, he’s picked up his friend Miles, and together they’re going to a lake party. Are they invited to this party? Yes, but also no. It’s public property though, so it should be fine. As they park, Sam notices that Mikaela is here, which is great for him.

Mikaela’s boyfriend, Trent- whose name I had to look up- is a massive tool, and starts pestering the two boys for daring to exist in his airspace. Miles climbs a tree. I’m glad he’s having fun, at least. Sam makes a joke at the expense of people with brain injuries, and this for some reason? Warrants a shot of Mikaela making the blank “pretty girl” face? In response?

Mikaela saves Sam from becoming a wet stain on the grass, which is very kind of her, and more than Sam really deserves. Trent, his boys, and Mikaela start to head off for another party, to get away from Sam and his tree-loving friend. Mikaela offers to drive, and Trent says that she can’t handle his truck, because she’s a ~girl~. This causes Mikaela to ditch him, and start walking home.

The script knows enough about misogyny to know that this would be a nice “take that”. Michael Bay, however, likely fails to see why everything he did with said script involving this character is a goddamned problem.

Because Mikaela, bless her heart, has a lot of problems.

Let’s start with the outfit: a croptop, a jean skirt that BARELY covers her ass, and a pair of wedge heels that are at least four inches tall. On a character that is, at oldest, freshly 18.

Look, I’m all about self-expression and the freedom to choose how you dress for yourself and yourself alone, but this clearly isn’t that. This is a character, not a person, whose wardrobe was designed for the straight male gaze. She’s wearing fucking STRAP HEELS to the lake. This is about oogling. This is about reducing a whole-ass person to the same status as a piece of meat. In fact, who was on wardrobe for this? I’d like to have a few words with-

A woman? Okay, well, what else has she worked on?

You can’t be fucking serious.

ANYWAY.

Miles just called Mikaela an “evil jock concubine.” I don’t like Miles anymore.

As Mikaela walks down the road, strutting hard enough that I’ve got sympathy pains in my hips, the radio in the Camaro turns on, playing “Drive” by the Cars, and giving Sam a hell of an idea; he’s gonna drive Mikaela home, so she doesn’t have to walk the 10 miles to her house. Why he knows how far she lives from the lake isn’t addressed.

Sam kicks Miles out of the car and goes to give Mikaela a ride, which she accepts after a bit of self-deliberation, and also him making an ass of himself. The shot here is framed with Sam like he’s a normal-ass person, and Mikaela from her breasts to the top of her waist. Because of COURSE it is.

She hops in the car and then goes off about her taste in hot guys. Which is weird, and out of left field. Sam is about as confused as I am, then continues to make a fool of himself. This is his nature as a person. Mikaela has no idea who Sam is, even though they’ve gone to the same school for the last 10 years and have multiple classes together. And the fact that she was staring him down all through his genealogy presentation. And at the lake.

This movie isn’t very well thought out, I feel.

It’s at this point the the Camaro turns the key on itself and starts to sputter out and die, as “Sexual Healing” by Marvin Gaye pops on the radio.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid.

I don’t like how this car is trying to get Sam laid with a girl who didn’t even know his name five minutes ago.

I don’t like how this car knows what sex is.

The Camaro breaks down on a cliff, and Mikaela hops out to work on the engine, and also to get the hell away from Sam’s sputtering.

As Mikaela admires the sweet engine in this Camaro, showing off her knowledge of cars, we get several shots of her from her breasts to her thighs, while Sam is treated like an actual person. Don’t bother trying to play it off as an artistic choice, Bay, this is blatant horndogging. This adds to NOTHING, other than my ire.

Sam says more stupid shit, and Mikaela, who must be the nicest fucking person in the world, just tells him to fire up the engine so she can try to sort out the problem. Then he asks why she goes for jackasses like Trent, and she decides that she’s hit her limit for today, opting to walk the rest of the way home. Good on you, Mikaela. Don’t take Sam’s bullshit.

Sam, realizing that he’s put his foot in his mouth for the 80th time today, pleads with his Camaro to do him a solid and work, and this actually works out for him. Great. Sam, victorious, once again offers Mikaela a ride, which she, once again, takes.

He drops her off without further incident, and she thanks him for listening. Even though they didn’t really talk that much. I dunno, maybe they had a super deep conversation offscreen. Mikaela asks Sam if he thinks she’s shallow, because clearly all women need approval from the men around them, and Sam says that there’s more to her than meets the eye.

Which made me groan aloud.

Anyway, she gets inside without a problem, and Sam professes his love for his new Camaro for allowing him to talk to a girl. Or at least talk at her.

Back in Washington, D.C., at the Pentagon National Military Command Center, we’re making weirdly racist calls on who hacked the military.

Up with Air Force One, a conspicuous boombox transforms into a robot, and then runs off to hack shit. The President of the United States requests some snack cakes. A flight attendant goes down to storage to retrieve said snack cakes, and finds that boombox in the elevator with her. Considering this is Air Force One, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse, and we don’t think here.

The flight attendant brings the boombox down with her and places it on the counter as she goes to get the presidential snack cakes. The boombox immediately disappears. Now, you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing, but this is Bayverse-

The flight attendant opens up the snack cake package, for some reason, and drops the cake on the floor. She then proceeds to eat it, and then act shocked when it tastes like floor. There’s a robot in her fucking line of sight, and you’d perhaps expect her to immediately be suspicious of such a thing-

She leaves to go feed the President floor cakes, and our little robot friend gets to work stealing government secrets. He, if nothing else, looks pretty cool doing it. He’s a very pointy lad.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie- Rachael Taylor’s character- can hear the hacking. This sends everyone into a panic, because, well, that shouldn’t be happening. The hacking noise is a direct match to the one from Qatar, so that’s obviously a problem.

Back on Air Force One, our little robot friend is looking for “Project Iceman”, which he very quickly finds, and downloads everything they’ve got on it, and also plants a virus. The process seems to be… doing things to him. It’s weird. This movie is weird.

The Pentagon cuts all the system hardlines, stopping the process, but it’s too late- he got what he wanted, just about. Two security personnel come into the room, and the robot kills them both with some spinning blade disc nonsense. Air Force One is forced to land for the safety of everyone on-board. More security detail comes in to deal with the little bastard, but he transforms into a boombox and sits on a shelf to avoid suspicion. Now, you’d perhaps expect-

With the plane grounded, our robot is able to walk his little ass over to a cop car. And when I say walk, I do mean walk; this fucker is in multiple folks’ line of sight and nobody notices a thing. When he enters the car, he’s greeted by the mustachioed driver- the same driver who was operating the helicopter at the beginning of the film. This mustache man is a holographic avatar, one that’s being used by all the Decepticons.

We get our first real taste of Cybertronian language, as our robot- it’s Frenzy, his name is Frenzy- lets everyone know that he’s found a clue to the location of the AllSpark, and, through the power of the internet, knows where to find the guy who’s gonna give them what they need.

Three guesses to who it is, and the first two don’t count.

Back at the Witwicky household, Sam’s car does a runner in the middle of the night. Sam, horrified that his property is being stolen, pursues on a bike, screaming at his dad to call the cops. Sam also calls the cops, as he tears through the neighborhood.

The Camaro breaks into an abandoned building, Sam follows, and we finally get a shot of our audience appeal character. Sam watches in disbelief as a giant yellow space robot shines a beacon into the sky, then makes a video on his flip phone recording the experience. He apologizes to his parents for owning pornographic magazines, and goes to face his probable demise.

However, death does not come from above, instead manifesting itself as two of the strongest junkyard dogs in the known universe, who break their brick-inlaid chains to get at this little dip of a man. Sam is chased through the yard, climbing on top of a couple precarious oil drums, even though there’s a ladder, like, right there. The Camaro rolls in, scaring off the dogs, and Sam bolts, throwing the keys to his ride at his ride. When he gets outside, the cops have arrived, and immediately arrest him.

Back with the US government, the Secretary of State is having a conversation about all the bullshit that just went down with Air Force One. He and his fellow cishet old white men discuss their options, until Maddie comes in to set them straight on some of the facts. They act all indignant about it, because women can’t be smart, right?

Right???

RIGHT??????????

RIGH-

Anyway, we get a weird little deflection of Maddie’s role in everything, because a woman is nothing without the men around her, then she brings up the point that the bullshit that happened on Air Force One went down in just a few seconds, which isn’t something that anyone can actually do. She brings up quantum mechanics, which everyone blows off as nonsense- not that I wouldn’t as well- and theorizes on a DNA-based computer, which is technically a thing, if not trapped in the realm of speculation. It’s at this point that the Secretary of Defense tells her to come back when she can back these wild claims up, and isn’t just clearly spitballing.

And then he snaps his fingers at her, and any point he might have had leaves my brain so I have more room for being enraged.

Back with Sam, we’re at the police station talking to the cops. His dad is here, and Sam is trying to explain that his car is a dude. Even though he took at a video (one that was likely crap, given how quickly he spun his phone around to show off what he was seeing) the cops, understandably, don’t believe him. Then one of them, not so understandably, starts… threatening Sam? With his sidearm? And daring him to try something? This isn’t any sort of statement on the corruption of American law enforcement, it’s just bizarre.

Back in Qatar, our soldier buddies have found a telephone line, and are going to try to use it to get in contact with the rest of the world. It’s just too bad that Scorponok’s decided to make an entrance, and knock said telephone line the hell down. Ed Sheeran has next to no reaction to this, despite it happening maybe ten feet behind him. Fig speaks Spanish, and Ed Sheeran makes a point to be an asshole about it.

Scorponok is about to stab Lennox with his very pointy tail, when Epps notices- finally, someone with peripheral vision- and starts shooting. Then everyone starts shooting, kicking up enough sand to blind themselves, as Scorponok scuttles away, buries himself, then reappears behind Ed Sheeran.

Ed Sheeran does not survive this experience.

The others bolt, not wanting the same to happen to them, and for the fourth time I wonder just why the hell this young boy was at the base in the first place.

Off in the distance, the community of a nearby town wonders just what the shit is going on out in the desert. Our soldiers run into the town, and everyone gets their guns and start firing on Scorponok, who retaliates, because why the hell wouldn’t he?

Lennox demands that the young boy take him to his father, and proceeds to borrow his phone. As shit goes down outside, we have a sort-of gag where Lennox is trying to contact the Pentagon, while a telemarketer tries to get him to buy a phone package. In order for this call to go through, he’s going to need a credit card. This is where the well-known “pocket” scene comes from, as Lennox searches Epps’ pants for his wallet as he fires on Scorponok. It’s probably the best-written thing in this whole film.

With the credit card acquired, Lennox finally gets through to the Pentagon, and tosses Epps the phone so he can talk. Maybe he’s got anxiety about speaking on the phone, I dunno.

Scorponok shows off his disregard for historical architecture, blowing up several buildings, and the US government just watches this all go down. One of the actors in this scene looks like my dad, and it trips me up every time he’s on screen. Anyway, now the Pentagon knows about the giant space robots running around in Qatar. They send over some air support about it. All this manages to do is piss Scorponok off.

So they try it again.

This time it works, sort of.

At the very least, he’s left now.

Tail fell off, though.

Also, Fig’s been grievously wounded. The others, for once, don’t make fun of his native language while they help him hold his blood inside his body.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s looking to prove that the bullshit that’s been going on is of the sci-fi variety, and in order to do that, she’s going to need a little outside help. She takes the information from the Pentagon, slaps it into an SD card, hides that shit in her blush compact, and then runs out the door to Glenn Whitmann’s house. Or, rather, his grandma’s house.

Glenn is a hacker, and shouldn’t be seeing anything that Maddie’s brought him, but everyone knows that confidentiality is for nerds, so whatever.

Back at the Pentagon, Maddie’s immediately been caught. It’s almost like slapping the military network onto an SD card maybe wasn’t such a hot idea. But what do I know?

Glenn takes a look at the soundbite and figures out that there’s a code embedded in the thing in about two seconds. Good to know our tax dollars are being well-spent on the US military, that some dude in his jammies can figure this shit out faster than a whole team of analysts. They figure out that “Project Iceman” is involved with this somehow, and also the existence of Sector Seven. It’s at this point that the FBI busts in. Good. I kind of want Maddie to go to jail for this, because she was about as stupid as she could be handling the situation.

Glenn’s cousin goes through a closed glass door- don’t worry, it’s tempered- and there’s a weird cut before that exact same shot continues, and he’s tackled into the pool. There was no reason for that to have happened, but here we are.

Back with Sam, we’re treated to him in his boxers, shooting basketballs in his room. He goes into the kitchen, where Mojo is standing on a stool. It’s a very tall stool, the sort you sit on, and he’s just… there. I don’t know how he got there. There’s no one else in the room besides Sam, and I know he didn’t put him there.

Clearly this must mean Mojo is God, and being on that stool is his divine will. I will be approaching the rest of the franchise with this in mind, because it’s clearly the only answer.

Our merciful Lord Mojo jumps up on the kitchen counter and begins growling at something through the window. Sam looks out… the opposite window… to find that his Camaro has returned to him, and is less than thrilled about it, to put it lightly. He drops a jug of milk- luckily it was mostly empty, given the sound it makes when it hits the floor- and gives his buddy Miles a call. You remember Miles, don’t you? If you don’t, it’s fine, because he reestablishes his quirkiness with a single shot, as he sits in a swimsuit and bathes his huge-ass dog in a kiddie pool, and answers the phone with a headset he just happened to be wearing. He must get a lot of calls during Dog Washing Hours. 

After giving us one of the most intense voice cracks I’ve ever heard, Sam books it out of his house, hopping on a bike to escape his murderous Camaro. He’s not seen the thing commit any murders, mind you, but he seems pretty convinced that it would do the job, given half a chance. Also, this isn’t the bike he rode the night before; that one is likely being chewed on by those strong-ass junkyard dogs. No, for some reason, the Witwickys have a pastel pink girl’s bike, with the fun little handle tassels and the basket and everything. As far as I can tell, Sam is an only child, and if you think Bay’s going to allow for a teenage boy to have the vulnerability to own a pink bike, you’ve not been paying attention for the last 48.5 minutes.

The Camaro gives chase, rolling after Sam on his bike at a brisk 7 MPH down the friggin’ sidewalk, one of the only scenes in this travesty of a film to actually get me to crack a smile. Sam races through town until city planning puts a stop to him, through the magic of using chunks of cement to decorate the mulch around their trees. He crashes his bike, faceplants into the concrete in front of Mikaela, and promptly dies, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told a fib. I’m sorry.

Instead, he does a flip and lands on his back, likely receiving a concussion, in front of Mikaela and her friends. Her friends laugh, because everyone hates Sam, as they should, and Mikaela says that what he just did was “really awesome.” Don’t try to be nice, Mikaela, this is Sam we’re talking about; you could stick the dude in the freezer overnight and he still wouldn’t be even remotely cool.

Sam gets back to the whole “running away from a car” deal, and Mikaela decides that this is the sort of thing she’d like to do with her day, so she ditches her friends in the middle of their scheduled Burger King™ time to go see what the hell Sam’s on about.

As Sam is chased by the Camaro who is being chased by Mikaela on her motorized scooter, a cop becomes involved, tearing through the streets to join this ridiculous game of tag. Now, we’ve seen two different flavor of cop so far- the mustachioed avatar cop car that picked up Frenzy from the airport, and the dude who threatened a teenage boy with a gun after accusing him of being under the influence of drugs. Either way, I don’t think this is going to turn out well for Sam.

Sam’s cornered himself under one of those really wide bridges where people can park their cars, which wasn’t terribly smart, but it’s Sam, so this is about par for the course. The Camaro manages to miss him, but the cop car does not. Sam is actually pretty cool with the cops being here, as if they could do anything about “Satan’s Camaro.” I guess he didn’t see the decal on the side of this car that says “to punish and enslave…”

Sam attempts to approach the car for help, and gets clotheslined by a car door for his troubles. He hits his head on the pavement, certainly exasperating the brain injury he received not ten minutes ago. Still, he continues to try to talk to the holographic avatar through the windshield, revealing that the bike he’s been riding is his mother’s. Mystery solved, I suppose.

The cop car doesn’t much appreciate being slapped on the hood, and begins to rev violently at Sam, threatening to run him over several times. Then it explodes into being a robot. Sam, who’s seen a lot of really weird shit in the last 24 hours, nopes out of the situation. It’s at this point that I realize he’s wearing a shirt for the band the Strokes. I don’t know why that stuck out to me, but it did. Guess my brain needed something to latch onto during all this.

Sam is running as fast as his little legs allow, as our newest robot friend takes up a leisurely jog to keep pace. Then he kicks Sam. He kicks Sam’s body like the football. This, of course, instantly turns Sam into a bag of jelly and kills him, thus ending the film.

No, he doesn’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Sam somehow survives being punted by a giant metal leg and lands in the windshield of a car that doesn’t turn into a robot. Then he gets yelled at by the cop car. This is Barricade, a member of the Decepticons, and Sam’s got something he wants. Or, should I say “LadiesMan217” has something he wants.

LadiesMan217 is Sam’s Ebay username. This is both stupid because no teenage boy existing beyond the year 1985 would have ever called himself that, and also because it’s just stupid.

Barricade wants the glasses Sam presented for his genealogy report, and he wants them NOW. Seeing as the thing he wants is for sale, and nobody had been bidding on it, one would wonder why Barricade and his associates didn’t just try to purchase them like upstanding citizens. Perhaps Decepticons don’t understand the concept of money, or perhaps they don’t have a stable address to have the glasses shipped to. Or perhaps nobody considered that angle when the script was being put together. Who can say?

Sam gets back to running away from Barricade, we see where Mikaela got to, and the two of them collide. Sam rips Mikaela off of her scooter, and they both fall to the ground. Mikaela, who did not buckle the clasp on her helmet, asks Sam what his fucking problem is. Then his problem shows up, and they take a very long time to get up so they can run. So long, in fact, that the Camaro has to swing in to save them. After much pleading from Sam, Mikaela gets inside Satan’s Camaro, and the two of them are whisked away to safety. Barricade pursues, and then the butt rock starts.

There’s a lot of screaming and yelling, the Camaro busts through a window and several shelves in an abandoned building, there’s some drifting, and then suddenly it’s nighttime. Barricade somehow got in front of the Camaro, and is circling like a shark. The Camaro locks the two teenagers inside itself, though I suppose they could climb out through the still-open windows if they really wanted to. The Camaro cuts the engine off, then cuts it back on and bolts for the exit, and this somehow tricks Barricade long enough for them to get past.

The Camaro dumps Mikaela and Sam out one of the doors and then transforms into that yellow space robot we saw a bit ago. It’s Bumblebee! Nearly an hour in, and we finally get a proper look at the little bastard. I guess that’s what happens when you spend the first 20-something minutes on being xenophobic and appealing to the focus groups that think it’s fine sexualize high schoolers.

Bumblebee- no, he’s not introduced himself yet, but I just can’t keep calling him “the Camaro” anymore- comes out of his transformation ready to square the fuck up. Barricade throws himself at Bumblebee, they roll around on the ground for a bit, then things start sparking and exploding, because this is a Michael Bay film. Frenzy jumps out and starts chasing down Mikaela and Sam, while Bumblebee and Barricade murder death punch each other. Frenzy manages to grab Sam by the ankles, drag him to the ground, and rip his pants off. Not sure how that happened, considering he’s still got his shoes on.

While Sam’s busy being chased by a sentient pile of safety pins, Mikaela’s taken it upon herself to be proactive about her survival, and is raiding a nearby building for power tools. She sprints out holding an electric jig saw and saves Sam by decapitating Frenzy. If you know anything about Transformers, then you know this doesn’t actually kill Frenzy, but good on her for being a badass. Why couldn’t Mikaela be our main character again? Oh, right, because she’s a ~girl~.

Sam punts Frenzy’s head, like, 50 yards, which seems like something he shouldn’t be able to do, given that he’s a massive weenie, but there you are. With that out of the way, Sam takes Mikaela’s hand and they run off to go watch the giant robot fight. The bottom of Frenzy’s head turns into a spider and he crawls his way over to Mikaela’s purse. He’s gonna steal her gum, the fiend!

Mikaela and Sam have, unfortunately, missed the giant robot fight, which means that we, as the audience, have also missed the giant robot fight. Which is unbelievably stupid, seeing as everyone who has ever watched this movie came for the GIANT GODDAMN ROBOTS.

Mikaela asks just who the hell the yellow robot is, I guess because she’s finally had a second to process what the hell’s going on. Sam claims that he’s a super-advanced robot, “probably from Japan.” Whether or not this is a reference to the Japanese origins of the original toy line isn’t clear, though somehow I think it’s more xenophobia. Sam also makes the claim that if Bumblebee had intended to hurt them, he would have done it by now. This is quite the jump from a few hours ago, when he was calling the poor guy “Satan’s Camaro.”

Sam finally, finally asks Bumblebee what his deal is, and we get our first taste of the Bayverse Bumblebee Gimmick. The Gimmick here is that, due to an injury to his vocal processing, Bumblebee cannot communicate through traditional means, i.e. speech. Because of this, he instead strings together sentences by flicking through the radio frequencies and choosing key words. This can lead to some interesting audio design, like describing his fellow Autobots to “rain down like visitors form heaven, Hallelujah!” because a radio sermon fit what he was trying to say best.

This gimmick is one that has been used in other pieces of Transformers media, at least in part. Bumblebee is unable to speak traditionally in Transformers: Prime, and instead communicates in beeps and clicks that his teammates can understand, but not so much the humans, save for Raf. In Bumblebee (2018), the idea was used whole-cloth, with the injury resulting in his inability to speak happening on-camera within the first 10 minutes of the movie, and the idea of “expressing oneself through music” being introduced by his human companion Charlie Watson.

All in all, I rather like the idea going on here; it’s an interesting part of his character that opens up for a lot of interesting and creative moments.

It’s just too bad it was introduced in fucking Bayverse.

But yeah, anyway, the other Autobots are coming to Earth. Shit’s gonna be lit.

Bumblebee turns back into a Camaro, and Sam uses the power of FOMO to get Mikaela to go in the car with him. We get a shot of Barricade fucking dying on the side of the road. Frenzy murders Mikaela’s phone, and then steals its identity, including the little bejeweled heart stickers. Good thing Mikaela remembered to go get her purse, otherwise he probably would have felt very silly doing that.

Mikaela refuses to sit in the driver’s seat, seeing as she now knows Sam’s car is sentient, and sort of feels weird about this whole thing. Sam suggests that she sit in his lap instead, as the camera angles to give us a peek at the cup of Mikaela’s bra. When asked why the hell she should do such a thing, Sam says it’s a concern about her safety, given that the middle console of the car does not have a seatbelt. Sam either fails to recognize that seatbelts going over two layered bodies won’t save either of them in the event of a crash, or he’s just trying to make an excuse to have a pretty girl in his lap.

Given what movie this is, I’m going to guess it’s the latter.

Mikaela has a similar line of thought, but scoots over anyway, saying that the seatbelt line was a “smooth move”. It wasn’t, but if I picked apart every single bad line Sam had in this film, I’d be here all day.

Mikaela questions Bumblebee’s taste in alt-mode, which offends him to the point of dumping both her and Sam out in the street and driving away. He returns, moments later, as a sleek new Camaro, that I’m sure some car aficionados would call “sexy.”

Bumblebee’s alt-mode is a 2009 Chevrolet Camaro, of which there were none during the time of filming. It was put together for this movie in roughly five weeks. Sam is blown away by the fact that he now owns a car that does not currently exist in his universe. Mikaela is impressed, or at least she would be, if women were allowed to show that emotion in a non-horny way in a Bay film.

Judy doesn’t count.

As Bumblebee breaks into yet another restricted area, we get a shot of the Earth from orbit, as several objects rocket towards the planet. Sam and Mikaela watch the Autobots burn up in the atmosphere, and Mikaela tries to hold Sam’s hand as they do, and it’s at this point that I have to address how much I hate these two’s dynamic.

I don’t give a single solitary shit about this romance, because A) it’s poorly written, B) Mikaela could do infinitely better than Sam, C) I dislike Sam so very much, D) Mikaela, who is a way more interesting character, got placed on friggin’ love interest duty because ~girl~, and E) it’s useless padding to try and make me care about what’s happening here, and I just DON’T. I do NOT care about whether these two get together or not.

We see the Autobots crash-land, three out of four of them causing massive amounts of property damage and possibly killing at least one person. Their stasis pods crack open, and they each climb out, completely naked and in desperate need of clothing to hide their shame. With a quick scan of nearby vehicles, they’re once again decent to be seen in public.

Bumblebee drives the kids out to what I can only assume is the warehouse district he sent that beacon out in, as our collection of good guys finally come together at long last. A massive Peterbilt semi-truck stops directly in front of Mikaela and Sam.

We’re over an hour into this film, and we’re just now getting to the quintessential Transformer, Optimus Prime himself.

In the original cartoon, Optimus’s alt-mode was what’s known as a cabover truck, one where the cab- where the driver sits- is seated directly over the engine. These were popular during the days when maximum truck-lengths were much shorter than they are currently. This is why when you look at height charts for Optimus over various continuities, his G1 cartoon counterpart much shorter than his other iterations.

Modern trucks are longer, and don’t need the cab to sit on top of the engine to save on space. The designers chose to use a Peterbilt to make sure that Optimus would have an imposing stature when compared to his fellow Autobots.

Because heaven forbid we not have heightism come into play in this film.

Our Autobots transform, and say what you will about these bastards being visually incomprehensible, the transformations themselves are cool as hell. My personal favorite is Jazz’s, where he does a cool windmill into his root mode.

Optimus crouches like he’s looking at a cool bug on the sidewalk and addresses Sam by name. He doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela, which I find to be a bit rude, but whatever. He then introduces himself as the leader of the Autobots.

Peter Cullen is back as the voice for Optimus Prime, sounding wonderful as always. He almost wasn’t brought on for this project, because Michael Bay didn’t want him. If the fans hadn’t thrown a hissyfit, who knows who we would have gotten to be our space dad for the next hour and a half?

This is actually an issue that’s recurred several times in the last few years, and not just with Cullen; Frank Welker, the voice of Megatron, as well as many other Transformers, has been refused roles within Transformers properties. In general, this is because both Cullen and Welker are union actors, and Hasbro would prefer to hire sound-alikes than pay more money for the originals. This isn’t to shame the non-union actors, goodness no, just to merely point out less-than-fantastic business practices.

I realize there have been a lot of tangents, but you have to understand that I am suffering as I do this.

Optimus then introduces his team- there’s Jazz, whose first line is “What’s crackin’ little bitches?”, Ironhide, who incorrectly quotes Dirty Harry, and Ratchet, who calls out just how obnoxiously horny Sam’s character is. We also finally get Bumblebee’s name.

Mikaela asks the very good question of why the fuck the Autobots are here on Earth. Optimus explains that the AllSpark is here, and they’ve got to get to it before Megatron does. He then goes on to explain who Megatron is, stating that he “betrayed” the Cybertronian empire.

No, how exactly he did that isn’t addressed. We’ll just have to take Optimus’s word, I suppose.

If you’ve sussed out by this point the the AllSpark and the Cube™ are the same thing, congrats! You win. Megatron followed the AllSpark to Earth, where he promptly was neutralized by the cold of the Arctic circle. This was 110 years prior to the events of this film, and where Archibald Witwicky came in to the story.

When the expedition was happening, Archibald fell through the ice during a collapse, and ended up finding Megatron’s frozen body in an ice cave. He went poking around on this strange metal giant, and ended up activating Megatron’s navigation systems, which imprinted the coordinates of the AllSpark onto Archibald’s glasses.

Don’t ask how that works, it just does.

So, the Autobots need the glasses, so they can find the AllSpark before the Decepticons do, so those guys don’t use it to build an army out of Earth’s machines, which will destroy humanity.

Sounds simple enough, let’s go get that vision correction device!

Back with the military dudes, everyone’s taking a gander at the tail that Scorponok left behind. They theorize that the metal that makes up these giant murder-robots reacts to extreme heat, but elaboration on that point will have to wait, because the tail has begun to flail. They quickly strap it down, then call the military to let them know to strap anti-tank guns onto anything that’s going to be approaching any giant robots.

Meanwhile, in an interrogation room, Maddie and Glen have been left to sweat a bit. Glen takes to stress-eating, while framing it as a psychological tactic to subconsciously prove his innocence to the FBI.

This is a fat joke, with the added nasty layer of Glen being a black man about to be interrogated by one of the most intimidating white cops I’ve seen in a hot minute.

Glen immediately folds, pinning all the blame on Maddie, and claiming that he’s been a perfect angel his whole life. We get some weird purity culture out of him, before Maddie lets the FBI know that she needs to talk to the Secretary of Defense, NOW.

Over at the Witwicky household, Sam’s parents are watching the news, trying to find out what all those loud crashes were about. Optimus Prime drives down their residential street, the rest of the gang in tow, then they all park to wait for Sam to go get the glasses.

For about 20 seconds.

Sam has to physically hold the door shut to prevent his father from coming out and seeing several very tall robots from outer space tip-toeing around his freshly-landscaped yard, I guess because they got antsy. Optimus plods around on the grass and breaks a fountain, and our benevolent god Mojo comes out of the house, assuredly to smite the leader of the Autobots.

Mikaela runs onto the scene, and Sam chastises her for not controlling the robots who didn’t even acknowledge her existence, outside of pointing out Sam was sexually attracted to her.

Mojo pees on Ironhide’s foot, which prompts Ironhide to threaten to shoot the creature. This is why Ironhide isn’t getting into heaven. Sam, one of Mojo’s chosen few, claims that the mortal shell of his god is seen as a beloved pet by many humans. Sam runs into the house, before Mojo can incur his divine wrath on the Autobots.

While Sam goes to get the glasses, the Autobots decide to do a little peeping on the house, watching his parents watch TV. Sam tears his room apart trying to find the glasses, and Optimus thinks that it would be helpful if he brought Mikaela up to help look. It’s at this point that I realize that Sam has an utterly bizarre fish tank.

I mean, legitimately, what the fuck is this? No filter, no plants, might not even have any rocks on the bottom. Is this a comically oversized bong Sam threw a couple fish into? What the fuck.

Mikaela starts looking for the glasses, running into what is likely a box of porn mags, then they both look out the window to find that the Autobots have decided to hide in plain sight by transforming... in the middle of Sam’s backyard. Amazing work, gentlemen.

Sam finally convinces the Autobots to go sit in the alley and wait, only for Ratchet to run into a power line and trip into a greenhouse. The resulting impact is interpreted as an earthquake. Judy does not have the reaction one might expect from someone who’s lived in California for at least ten years.

Ratchet’s fine, by the way.

The power cuts out, and Ron goes up to check on his son, because he’s at least a halfway-decent father. Ratchet’s shining a light to aid in the search for the glasses. Sam’s parents notice this bright light, and bang on Sam’s door to see what’s up.

Sam quickly hides Mikaela and then attempts to salvage the situation, answering the door and trying to control the narrative. Unfortunately, Ron is far too inquisitive for Sam to do this, and then Judy asks if Sam was masturbating.

Judy, is privacy just not a thing to you? Because if not, it really ought to be.

She keeps going with it too, trying to come up with code words, until another one of the Autobots trips and causes Ron to panic again, climbing into Sam’s ancient claw-foot bathtub to protect himself. He looks out the window to check on his beloved yard, lamenting that the earthquake tore it up.

Ironhide is strongly considering killing Sam’s parents. Optimus tells him that they don’t harm humans, and also begins to wonder if he made a mistake bringing this guy along.

Back in Sam’s room, it’s becoming increasingly obvious that Sam is an absolutely terrible liar, and Mikaela reveals herself, if only to prevent Judy from trying to talk about self-pleasure again. Of course, now she gets to be subjected to both of Sam’s parents objectifying her, so this might be a lose-lose situation.

Sam is reminded that his backpack is in the kitchen, just in time for the government to show up at his house. Mikaela makes a comment about Judy being nice. I suppose on a surface level, yes, being told that you’re gorgeous by someone’s mom is nice. I do have to question the context that compliment took place in, however.

Sam’s about to hand the glasses over to the Autobots, when someone rings the doorbell. It’s Sector Seven, and they’re here to talk to Sam about his stolen car being part of an issue involving national security. Ron and Judy are more concerned about their yard being torn up, Judy yelling that they “need to get their hands off [her] bush.”

We still have another hour of this movie.

The agent leading this mission asks Sam to come with him for questioning, which his parents are very much against. Mojo also voices his displeasure, but it would seem that Agent Simmons is not a follower of the Tenets of Mojo. Sam gets geigered, and his readings are high enough for Sector Seven to take him and everyone in this house into custody.

As Sam and Mikaela are riding in the back of the car, Simmons brings up Sam’s Ebay account, and also the phone video he took of Bumblebee earlier in the week. Mikaela is rather unimpressed with Sam at the moment, probably because he’s gotten her arrested. She still tries to help him out though, because she really is just the nicest fucking person on the planet.

Alas, the combined efforts of these two teenagers isn’t enough to fool the long arm of the law, especially when it’s a branch of said law that deals with extraterrestrial activity. Simmons threatens to lock up these literal children for life if they don’t start talking. Mikaela isn’t taking the bait, so he goes after her father’s parole hearing instead.

Yep! As it turns out, Mikaela and her father stole cars to get by, and she’s got the record to back that claim up. Simmons calls her a criminal, then says that criminals are hot. Mikaela looks like she’s about to cry, and I don’t blame her in the slightest.

Optimus, I suppose because his dad senses were tingling, takes the opportunity to place his leg in the road for the car to run into, then grabs said car like an unruly cat and lifts it until the roof rips off due to stress. The agents in the other cars pile out and point their guns at the giant space robot. The rest of the Autobots quickly relieve them of their weapons.

Optimus notes that Simmons doesn’t seem surprised that a bunch of giant robots just took all his guys’ guns, and demands that he exit the vehicle, posthaste. Simmons obliges, after a bit more prodding. Mikaela undoes Sam’s handcuffs, and he gets fucking pissy about it, as if this girl he’s had a grand total of three (awkward) conversations with should have told him something as personal as “hey, so my dad’s in jail and I’ve been to juvenile detention.”

Luckily, she doesn’t let him get away with it, calling him out as the spoiled, self-centered, privileged little shithead that he is.

Of course, we don’t get any sort of real acknowledgement from Sam, having to move on with the plot. Perhaps, if we hadn’t spent the last hour and 20 minutes faffing about on drivel, we could have had Sam get an actual moment of self-reflection, and potentially even character growth. However, this is Bayverse, and everyone knows that personal accountability is for fucking sissies.

Mikaela and Sam ask several questions, but get no answers from Agent Simmons. And then Bumblebee pees on him.

I hate that I had to write that. I hate it very much.

Anyway, I don’t know why that had to happen, but it did, and I’m nothing if not thorough.

Optimus tells Bumblebee to cut it out, and with that the Sector Seven agents are cuffs and left on the side of the road. Mikaela orders Simmons to strip, as punishment for threatening her father, then cuffs him to a street lamp.

...Yes, that does sound like a bizarre sexual fantasy, doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for our teen heroes, they forgot to confiscate everyone’s phones, and Sector Seven knows what’s up, thanks to the power of speakerphone. More cars and a couple of helicopters show up basically immediately, and the Autobots decide it’s time to dip.

But not before Ironhide fires off a pulsewave into the ground that causes a five-car pileup.

Optimus, I suppose because he knows he chose a ridiculously flashy alt-mode that is in no way practical, just picks the kids up in and places them on his shoulder like a couple of parakeets, then takes up a leisurely jog to get away from the eyes in the sky. He runs through the city, racking up what is likely millions in property damage, as the helicopters pursue. He passes by a “Legalize LA” billboard, which feels odd to see, given what movie this is.

The ‘copters somehow manage to lose Optimus, despite him being relatively slow, and having a notable radiation level that they’ve been using to track him. He hides inside the scaffolding of a bridge, only for Mikaela and Sam to slip off of his polished body to their deaths, thus ending the film.

No, they don’t die. I just told another fib. I’m sorry.

Bumblebee snatches them up just before they hit the ground, the impact of his metal body catching them at 75 mph, killing them instantly and ending the film.

Nope, that doesn’t happen either.

Mikaela and Sam are fine, some-fucking-how, but Sam’s dropped the MacGuffin glasses. The helicopters swing back around, having noticed the sound of a car crashing into the ground and the screams of two whole adolescents. They break out a fucking harpoon gun and fire on our kid appeal character.

Repeatedly.

They wrap up Bumblebee in a series of cables, as he screams like a moose. Mikaela and Sam are held at gunpoint by what is honestly far too many dudes, and are then arrested for the second time in ten minutes. Bumblebee is smoked... because he’s a bee? Sam, not liking this one bit, finds the strength in his weenie body to push a cop off of himself, run at one of the dudes with the smoke guns, throw him to the ground, and then start smoking him. He’s immediately tackled, but points for trying.

Sam and Mikaela are placed back into custody, and the rest of the Autobots regroup with Optimus to see what the plan is. Optimus says that they can’t save Bumblebee without hurting humans, so I guess Bumblebee is just a POW now. Well, at least they got the glasses. That’s cool.

Back at the Pentagon, things are getting dicey, as the other world powers are starting to suspect that something’s up. The Secretary of Defense is approached by a man with a mustache and a briefcase. He’s from Sector Seven, but the Secretary gives not a fuck about mysterious organizations. All the computers in the room suddenly go down, the virus from earlier working its magic- only this time, the blackout is global.

Mr. Mustache opens his briefcase, while explaining that Sector Seven is something known as a “special access” sector of the government, which is why nobody’s ever heard of it; it’s beyond top secret. Commissioned by President Herbert Hoover 80 years prior, it deals with alien life.

When the Beagle 2 spacecraft was lost on the way to Mars in 2003, the mission was declared a failure. This was a lie. The Beagle 2 recorded several seconds of Mars before being crushed to death by a Transformer. This tidbit is pretty funny, given that the Beagle 2 was rediscovered on Mars in 2014, seven years after this film released. Not a terribly mysterious death anymore, is it?

Comparing the footage from Mars to the footage from Qatar has Sector Seven thinking that these are the same species. Which they are. God, it’d be so fucked up if there were two species of giant robots in this film.

Mr. Mustache theorizes that because the Transformers now know that they can be harmed by human weaponry, they’re being proactive about their safety and shutting down all forms of communication technology with that virus that keeps popping up. It’s only a matter of time before the shit hits the fan for humanity.

Mr. Secretary tells his guys to try going analog with comms, breaking out the short-wave radios, to tell their ships to return home.

Over at an Air Force base, Lennox and the gang have landed, only to be scooped up by a bunch of dudes in suits.

Back with Maddie and Glen, the two of them have fallen asleep in the interrogation room, Maddie still wearing her friggin’ four inch pumps as her legs are propped up on the table, crossed in a way that seems rather uncomfortable. Glen gets to sleep like a normal human being, with his head resting on his forearms. Why this place doesn’t have a holding cell for these situations is beyond me.

Mr. Secretary comes in to bring Maddie on as his advisor. Glen can come too, I guess, considering he’s the one who actually figured out the sound file virus.

We get a little military glorification, and then it’s revealed that Mikaela and Sam, as well as Maddie and Glen, are aboard this helicopter. Their paths cross at last. Our heroes are transported to the Hoover Dam, where Bumblebee is also. They are still smoking him.

Meanwhile, the Autobots are figuring out where to go, with the power of Archibald’s glasses. Ratchet, who I guess is omnipotent, senses that the Decepticons have also figured out the location, and that this is going to be a race against the clock. And I mean, he’s right, but the phrasing is a bit odd.

Jazz wants to know when they’re going to save Bumblebee. Optimus says that they aren’t, and that Bumblebee’s sacrifice is noble, and that he would want the Autobots to leave him and complete the mission. As this is said, we get another shot of Bumblebee getting smoked and trapped in a lab. Yep, this is totally what he would want. He absolutely signed up for this, giving himself up to the government and not at all fighting like mad to not be captured.

I don’t think Bayverse Optimus actually knows what martyrdom is, which is bizarre, given that it’s a major trait in a lot of other iterations of the character.

Ironhide isn’t even sure why they’re bothering to save humanity, given that humans are violent and awful, his point being hammered home as Bumblebee is tortured for scientific reasons. Ironhide seems to have forgotten that Cybertron has been at war for literally millions of years. Optimus has faith in humanity, however, stating that we’re “young”.

And then he says that he’s going to end his own race, by destroying the Cube™, which is how they reproduce, because that’s the only way to end the war.

Which is arguably one of the most hardcore fictional applications of eugenics ever conceived.

Being advocated for by Optimus Goddamn Prime.

We still have another 50 minutes of this movie.

Optimus then proves that he does, in fact, know what self-sacrifice is, stating that, if all else fails, he’ll shove the AllSpark into his spark, which will destroy them both. He’s pretty chill about it, too.

Up on top of the Hoover Dam, Frenzy has fallen out of Mikaela’s bag.

Mr. Secretary is also at the Hoover Dam now, as is Lennox’s team. Oh, and Agent Simmons, who is thankfully wearing pants. He offers to buy Sam a coffee, as repartitions for threatening his family, arresting him, and being a complete creep to a teenage girl. Sam gives not a fuck about caramel macchiatos with extra foam and chocolate drizzle, however. He only cares about his car.

Mr. Mustache, who is also here, needs Sam to spill the beans on all these friggin’ giant robots that are running around. This is where Sam realizes he has the upper hand for once, and he starts making demands. One such demand is having Mikaela’s record scrubbed clean, which is an actually very nice thing for him to have done for her. We’ll see if his intent comes to fruition. For now, it’s time to talk about Bumblebee.

We get a shot of all these folks heading into the secret base hidden inside the Hoover Dam, and it’s at this point that I notice that Maddie’s shirt is basically see-through.

Inside the Dam, we see that Sector Seven′s been keeping Megatron this entire time, keeping him neutralized with cryo-stasis since 1935. Cryopreservation was invented in the 50′s. This isn’t a nitpick, I just thought it was a neat little fact.

Megatron being on Earth has resulted in most modern technology. This sort of plot point always bothers me, because it takes away agency from the entire human race. We didn’t use our own ingenuity and work ethic to advance society, we plagiarized from a more advanced species. I dunno, it just rubs me the wrong way.

We get the part of the movie where info is hashed out, so that everyone is on the same page, Sam spouting off Autobot propaganda. We can forgive him for this,considering he’s 16, and no one is immune to propaganda, especially when they have zero way of doing their own research to form their own opinion with.

Sector Seven also has the AllSpark, kept in the room next to Megatron’s, like the chumps they will soon find themselves to be. It’s about ten stories tall and the reason the Hoover Dam exists. With so much concrete suppressing its alien energies, surely no one will ever find it!

Except for Frenzy, who came in through a mouse hole. Whoopsie-doodle!

The AllSpark zaps the nasty little man, restoring his body with its weird MacGuffin powers. Frenzy tells all his coworkers that he found what they were looking for, and everyone starts heading over.

Maddie asks Mr. Mustache what exactly he means by “energies”, perhaps worried that this whole thing has been some elaborate ploy to get her to invest in magic healing stones. Mr. Mustache brings everyone into a testing chamber, since the best way to explain how the AllSpark works is through a demonstration.

There’s a big fish tank in the middle of this testing chamber, in which Agent Simmons places a donated device from the crowd- Glen’s Nokia phone, specifically. Simmons makes a geologically-confused comment. When this is pointed out by Maddie, Mr. Secretary hushes her, simply saying that Simmons is a strange man. The tank is locked down, and then the show starts.

Cube™ energies are shot into the tank, and the phone explodes into life, transforming into a gorilla-shaped gremlin creature. Happy birthday, little dude!

Little dude starts shooting at the tank walls, cracking the glass until Simmons pulls the trigger and ends it. Happy deathday, little dude!

The Decepticons are making tracks towards the Hoover Dam, but Starscream- yeah, he’s in this now, don’t worry about it- arrives first, because he is a very fast jet. He transforms, showing off his ridiculous Dorito body, and fires on the base’s generators. The resulting explosions can be heard all the way down in the testing chamber, and Mr. Mustache calls upstairs to see what’s up. Looks like Megatron may be getting warmed up, seeing as his ice bath has been cut off. Lennox asks if there’s an arms room in Sector Seven, which sort of feels like asking a bakery if they have any flour.

Frenzy has entered the room that houses the controls for the cryo-stasis and set that whole system to “no, thank you”.

Mr. Mustache runs through the base, screaming for everyone to get to the Megatron chamber. Off in the distance, the Autobots approach. Could probably used some fliers on your team, huh Optimus?

Back with Frenzy, he’s decided to just straight-up raise Megatron’s core temperature directly. Hope he doesn’t do it too fast; rewarming hypothermia victims recklessly can do some serious damage.

Outside of the base, Lennox and the boys are loading up with weaponry, along with what’s the entirety of Sector Seven′s cannon-fodder department. Oh, and all the main cast. Yep, just got a couple of teenagers chillin’ in the munitions room.

Sam wants Simmons to take him to his car- he hasn’t used Bumblebee’s name in a hot minute, not sure what’s up with that- even though Simmons is currently busy loading a very large gun. Simmons doesn’t want to do that, because he’s got no idea if what Sam mentioned earlier is even true, and he doesn’t want to pin the fate of humanity on a single Camaro. Lennox takes this opportunity to tackle Simmons, despite likely not knowing that Bumblebee is one of the “good guys”. A Sector Seven guy very much doesn’t like that, and points a gun at Lennox, which prompts all of his guys to also start threatening folks with guns.

Mr. Mustache walks in on the scene, but doesn’t do anything, since he isn’t armed and knows better than to tangle with someone who’s packing. Simmons tries to intimidate Lennox, because he must have missed the day of boot camp where they tell you that guns kill people. Lennox is fully committed to shooting this dude in the lungs before Mr. Secretary suggests he give the people what they want, before things get ugly.

Simmons takes everyone to the robot torture department of Sector Seven, where they are still smoking Bumblebee. Geez, you’d think they’d have something in place for if they ever came across another giant robot after Megatron, but I guess not. The gang gets everyone to stop smoking Bumblebee, which allows him to stop moose-screaming and strongly consider murdering everyone involved with his forced captivity. Unfortunately, revenge with have to wait, as we’ve still got to deal with the AllSpark, and the fact that the Decepticons are here.

They take Bumblebee to the AllSpark, where he makes direct contact the thing, causing the AllSpark to transform, compacting itself down into a far more reasonable size that Bumblebee can carry in one hand. It doesn’t seem to weigh more than a grown adult, if his body language is saying anything. I’d make a joke about the conservation of mass being ignored, but since this is Transformers, I can’t really say much. Conservation of mass doesn’t exist for this franchise.

Bumblebee would really like to get this show on the road, and Lennox agrees, quickly formulating a plan to get away from Megatron and taking the AllSpark to Mission City, which is relatively close to their current location, so that they can hide it there.

Lennox, I know this plan is a first draft, and we don’t have a ton of time for revisions, but the whole point of building a whole-ass dam around the Cube™ was because it was very difficult to hide, given its magical MacGuffin powers. Regardless of this flaw, Mr. Secretary agrees. Lennox also asks that the Air Force be involved in this, I guess because the U.S. military wanted more screentime.

Of course, that whole “global blackout” thing is still going on, so we’re going to have to get creative with how we’re going to contact the Air Force. Mr. Secretary and Simmons make a break for the WWII-era radio Sector Seven has, while Lennox and the boys head out to shoot things, and Mikaela and Sam hop into Bumblebee with the Cube™.

This is about the point that Megatron wakes up. The first thing he does is introduce himself, which I thought was very polite of him. Then he breaks out his flail and starts bashing shit around. Not so polite, that.

Over with Bumblebee, we’re shown that the AllSpark, all-powerful object that can create life and is the whole reason this conflict is even happening, is just chillin’ in the back seat by itself. It’s not even buckled up.

Megatron escapes the base, and it’s actually super easy. He just transforms, goes through the tunnel, and he’s free. I feel like we could have at least attempted some security measures for in case the cryo-stasis failed, given that we’ve had this dude in containment for the last 70-something years, but okay.

Starscream comes over to say hi to his boss, not that Megatron gives a shit. He just wants to know where that fucking Cube™ is. When Starscream tells him that the humans have it, Megatron makes a comment about how Starscream has failed him yet again. This is their first interaction in this movie, and Starscream’s been in the story for a grand total of five minutes at this point. I know that this is a reference to their dynamic in just about every installment of the franchise up to this point, but it doesn’t feel earned in the slightest. Even if it’s going to be expanded upon in future sequels, this is a shit-tier way to set their (awful) relationship up.

Not that anyone should ever bank on getting a sequel anyway, but that’s a discussion for another time.

Megatron tells Starscream to retrieve the AllSpark, and then we cut over to the radio plotline. The radio, which is so cobweb-covered I feel like Sector Seven needs to have a serious discussion with their custodial staff, has its nobs and buttons fiddled with by Simmons until it crackles to life. But where are the microphones? Everyone starts looking for the mics, as Simmons pushes Glen into the seat, I guess because hacking modern computers and using Depression-era radio tech are similar enough.

Maddie asks Glen if he can hotwire a 90′s-era computer to transmit a tone through the radio, so that they can send a Morse code message to the Air Force. Which sounds ridiculous to me, but I don’t know enough about radios or computers to know if that sort of thing would be possible. Maybe it’s fine. Or maybe it’s Hollywood bullshit. Who knows?

Back over with Bumblebee, we get a bunch of car commercial shots, of both him and the other Autobots. Aww, the gang’s back together again! Nobody tell Bumblebee that Optimus was completely cool with leaving him to his fate.

Optimus and the gang whip around to join the convoy, and everyone makes their way towards Mission City.

Back at the radio subplot, someone’s bangin’ on the door, trying to get in. The others try to block the intruder, while Glen does his hacking stuff. Mr. Secretary breaks a case and pulls out a gun that’s about as old as he is.

Glen gets the computer working, and Mr. Secretary gives him the Super Secret Military Codewords™ to use to talk to the Air Force. While he does that, Simmons finds a flamethrower and starts burning Frenzy as he attempts to enter the room. The Air Force receives the message for an air strike. Oh, goody.

Over with the convoy, it appears that the Autobots and Lennox’s boys are being pursued by the Decepticons. It’s difficult to tell, seeing as the cameras have gone full Bay-mode, but I’m guessing that’s what’s up. One of the Decepticons flips over a minivan, likely killing a family of five. another causes a multi-car pileup.

Bonecrusher transforms, then Optimus transforms. Bonecrusher iceskates across the highway, slamming into a bus so hard it just straight-up explodes. He is on fire. He tackles Optimus, and they proceed to fall off the side of the raised highway they’re on. Then they beat the shit out of each other, until Optimus decapitates Bonecrusher with his arm-sword.

Yeah, space dad is a little intense in the Bayverse.

Back at Sector Seven, Frenzy’s decided to leave the door alone, and instead is crawling through the ventilation shaft. Mr. Secretary and Simmons fire off shots into the duct above them, as if bullets would do anything against this nasty little pile of needles.

Frenzy bursts through the bottom of the duct and crash-lands into a glass case, taking cover behind a pillar and fires on the humans on the other side of the room. While this shootout is happening, Glen receives a response from the Air Force, just in time for Frenzy to accidentally decapitate himself with one of his own spinning blades of death. This time, he does not survive losing his head.

The Air Force will be sending fighter planes to Mission City, and to establish this, we get several shots of what some might call “military porn.”

Over in the city, the convoy has arrived. Lennox hands several short-wave radios over to Epps, telling him to use them to direct the Air Force when they arrive, so they can take the AllSpark... somewhere, I guess. Above, an F-22 zooms across the sky. It is not one of the Air Force’s F-22s.

Ironhide recognizes Starscream, and gets ready to throw down. Bumblebee grabs a nearby Furby truck and hoists it up to use as a shield. This marginally works, as the missile that hits the truck doesn’t immediately kill him, though it probably did all those Furbies inside.

The resulting explosion throws all the humans around, Mikaela getting weird heaven lighting as she lies unconscious on the pavement. Sam gets it too, though, so I suppose I can’t complain too much about this particular shot. They touch hands. I really wish that I could take this moment of vulnerability as being anything other than an attempt to set up a romance between these two teens who have known each other for maybe half a week. This movie has so starved me of genuine human interaction I'm jumping at the smallest of scraps.

Bumblebee actually didn’t get out of that missile-strike unscathed, his legs having been blown off. All those Furbies died for nothing. Tragic. Sam asks Bumblebee if he’s alright, and immediately tells him to get up. Sam then remembers that Bumblebee’s legs are off, so he yells for Ratchet.

Over with Lennox and Epps, they’ve realized that the plane they saw wasn’t one of theirs. Which, you know, has already been established, but points for getting caught up, fellas. Sam is crying and still telling Bumblebee to get up. Bumblebee is dragging himself across the pavement and whimpering. It’s awful. Where the fuck is Ratchet? This is basically the only reason he’s in this film, and he’s nowhere to be found.

The actual Air Force calls on the radio, asking for their location. Brawl, who is a tank, starts firing on Lennox’s gang. Jazz and Ratchet race through the city streets. How they were separated from the rest of the team is anyone’s guess.

Sam takes a little sit on the pavement to be with Bumblebee, while Mikaela decides to problem-solve and heads for a nearby tow truck. Bumblebee hands Sam the Cube™ because, as the designated protagonist, it’s his job to handle it in the climax of the film.

Ironhide is shot at several times by Brawl, narrowly avoiding being hit each time. This, of course, means that the people he drives by in this shot are almost assuredly dead, since they’re right next to the explosions. He transforms and does a flip, as the film goes slow-mo on a shot of a woman in a low-cut dress watching him flip. She screams. Ironhide screams. I scream, though probably for a different reason.

Jazz jumps on Brawl, managing to kick off a couple pieces of kibble before Brawl grabs him and throws him into the side of a building. Ironhide, Optimus, and Ratchet descend on Brawl, and so does Lennox’s team, Brawl losing a hand and getting thrown into his own building as a result.

Mikaela breaks into the tow truck and starts to hotwire that shit. Wow, a relevant back story that culminates in her being able to save the day, thus completing her arc and staying on-theme for her character. Why isn’t Mikaela the protagonist again?

Oh, right, because ~girl~.

Megatron lands in a nearby alleyway, and Ratchet, knowing this dude is bad news, tells everyone to head for the hills. Jazz isn’t fast enough, however, and gets shot for his troubles.

Mikaela drives the truck over to Sam, who is still sitting there with the Cube™, and tells him to get his ass in gear.

Jazz gets taken to the top of a nearby building and is ripped in two by Megatron, who acts like a bird of prey the whole sequence. Down on the ground, Brawl is starting to get back up from his smackdown. Blackout appears on a nearby skyscraper. Things are looking grim for humanity.

Mikaela and Sam hook Bumblebee up to the tow line as Lennox approaches them. Sam has left the AllSpark out of his line of sight, like a fool. Despite seeing this, Lennox still gives him the flare to let the military know where to pick up the AllSpark. Doesn’t even acknowledge Mikaela. He tells Sam to head for the white building with statues on top of it and set the flare on top of the roof. Lennox can’t leave his men, because he’s the head of his operation. Why he can’t send literally anyone else who isn’t a 16 year-old boy isn’t made clear.

Sam really doesn’t want to do this, probably because he’s a child, but Lennox has recruited him to the military against his will, so he must. Lennox then attempts to make Mikaela leave for her own good, but she tells him to fuck off, because she’s gonna save Bumblebee. Clearly, this is a win for feminism.

Epps radios the choppers coming from the Air Force to let them know they’ll be picking up a package from a teenager, thus locking Sam into the job. Ironhide and Ratchet vow to protect Sam from the Decepticons on his way to the pickup point. Not one single person has pointed out how fucked up this is.

Sam starts to run off, when Mikaela stops him to let him know that she’s glad she got in the car with him roughly an hour ago. They don’t kiss goodbye, which, honestly? Good. This fucking movie hasn’t earned that. Sam for sure hasn’t earned that, even if he did clear her juvie record. No word on that having actually been done, by the way. Sam never got confirmation, and I feel like he’s not really the type to follow up on things.

Brawl fires off some shots and makes things explode. Ratchet and Ironhide provide cover fire as Sam sprints down the road. Yep, they’re making this idiot WALK to the pickup point. Sure hope the elevators are working today, otherwise this is going to take forever.

Sam carries the AllSpark like a football, and in a better movie, this would have been foreshadowed by Sam having actually been a football player prior to the events of the film, perhaps removed from the team for some character flaw he’s since grown from/accepted. However, this is Bayverse, and well, men don’t have to justify their existence in the story with things like themes and having even an ounce of thought put into their character.

Back with Mikaela, Lennox has refused to learn her name, calling her “girl” as he screams at her to get Bumblebee hooked up to the tow truck. Which she was already doing when he got here. Lennox, dude, you’ve got a daughter now, you’re super extra not allowed to treat women like this.

Optimus Prime pulls through an alleyway and crashes into a pile of garbage. I can forgive him being late, seeing as he is a big rig, and probably had to take the long way into town so he didn’t get stuck in too-low tunnels. Don’t worry about how we briefly saw him during the Brawl take-down. This is his for real entrance into the climax.

He whips around and transforms, ready to throw the fuck down. Megatron spots him from his perch and descends.

Y’know.

Like a vast, predatory bird.

Megatron shoots at Optimus in his alt-mode, and Optimus catches him like a frisbee. Unfortunately for Optimus, it would appear that the horsepower on a Cybertronian flightcraft is hella intense, and he’s carried away. The two of them crash through an office building, then roll around in the streets punching each other in the face, debating the worth of humanity as they do so. Wish I actually gave a shit about either of these people, but alas! The film spent most of its runtime objectifying women and insulting minorities. I know nothing about Optimus, and even less about Megatron.

Megatron transforms his arms into a laser gun, and Optimus does the same. They shoot at each other. Optimus gets thrown into a building, then lands on the sidewalk below, definitely crushing a dude underneath him, but I guess we didn’t check that the shot was clear for where the CGI was gonna go, so he’s fine.

Sam’s still running through the streets, while Blackout murders, like, so many people behind him. Starscream lands in front of Sam, running into roughly 30 cars as he skids to a halt. Ratchet and Ironhide fire on him, as Sam takes a breather behind a car. Starscream transforms and blasts off. He was here for about 15 seconds. Sam begins running again.

Megatron is now following Sam, because he wants that Cube™. Sam is hit by a car- not an evil one, just a regular car- and trips. The impact makes the AllSpark activate, which grants several machines in the vicinity the gift of life, including the car full of bitchy women that just hit Sam, who are upset that hitting a human being might have scratched the paint.

I get it, you hate women, can we PLEASE stop beating this dead horse?

Sam finally gets to the pickup building, which turns out to be abandoned and fenced off. Good thing the gate was open, otherwise things could get really complicated. He heads inside, Megatron crashing through a floor-to-ceiling window shortly behind him. Megatron makes the claim that he can smell where Sam is. I’m going to choose to believe that he isn’t lying here, since Ratchet did something similar earlier.

Sam finds the stairs, and Megatron calls him a slur.

He doesn’t, really, but the voice modulation certainly makes it sound that way.

While this is happening, Mikaela is driving the tow truck down an alley, dragging Bumblebee behind her with the tow cable. She stops for a moment to have a short breakdown, seeing as she is a teenager in what is currently a warzone.

Sam is still running up the stairs. Outside, the military shoots at one of the Decepticons. It is, of course, doing absolutely nothing to the giant metal space robot. Mikaela concludes her moment, looking back at Bumblebee, who gives her the okay to keep going with dragging his ass across the pavement. She whips the truck around and tells Bumblebee “I’ll drive, you shoot.”

Mikaela then proceeds to speed down a main road of this sizable city backwards, running into cars and more or less shoving Bumblebee along to his destination.

The military has finally realized that their efforts have been pointless, but it’s okay because Bumblebee is here with his superior firepower. Bumblebee proceeds to shoot Brawl in the chest, which kills him. After this, he tries to act cute, lifting up his battle mask in a very “did I do that?” way, as if he’s not the same guy who ripped Barricade apart earlier.

Sam, meanwhile, has finally reached the top of this dilapidated building. Helicopters are approaching his location, but will they make it to him before Megatron does? Honestly, I’d be more worried about Starscream on the building just due East.

Sam is just about to hand the AllSpark over, when Starscream fires at the ‘copter, causing it to crash and nearly chop Sam to pieces. Optimus Prime runs towards the scene, on a roof that I refuse to believe could actually support him. Megatron punches thought the roof from the bottom and asks Sam some philosophical questions. Sam can’t answer, given that he’s hiding on the edge of this building, his flimsy grip on one of the angel statues being the only thing keeping him from falling.

Megatron tells him to give him the AllSpark, and in exchange he might not kill him immediately. Sam tells him to fuck off, and Megatron flails the chunk of building he was hanging on to, causing Sam to fall to his death, thus ending the film.

I’m lying to you. Michael Bay is making me into a liar.

No, Sam is, instead, caught by Optimus, very likely breaking several ribs on impact. This is the point where I realize that they’ve given Optimus fingernails. Sam clings to him like a baby koala, as Optimus parkours down the sides of two buildings, Megatron in pursuit. Megatron actually lands on Optimus 2/3rds of the way down, causing the both of them to fall onto the pavement below. How Sam survives this is a mystery.

Megatron recovers from the fall first, flicking a human away from him for having the audacity to exist in his space. The flicked person hits a car, and is almost assuredly dead. At least, I sure hope so, given that this is the director cameo by the Bayman himself.

Feminist icon Megatron?

Feminist icon Megatron.

Optimus comments on the fact that Sam almost fucking died to get the AllSpark out of dodge, and we get the return of “No Sacrifice, No Victory”. Which, I mean, I guess he’s allowed to say that, since he’s actually had to do something that warranted it. His dad doesn’t get to, though.

Optimus then tells this teenage boy, who has already had a hell of a day, to kill him by shoving the AllSpark into his robot-soul-heart, should he be unable to defeat Megatron.

I dunno, I just feel like it’s a bit of an ask.

Sam climbs off of Optimus so the Prime and Megatron can rumble. He runs through the ruined infrastructure of the city, so he’s less likely to be crushed. Optimus tells Megatron to square the fuck up, stating that “one shall stand, one shall fall.”

Then he gets ragdolled around a bunch, so maybe he should have saved the talk for later in the game.

The military is running around some more, stopping in an alley to see Blackout transform to root mode. Yes, the goo-goo eyes were indeed made by several members of the watch party that started this whole thing. People went wild for Rotor-Cape Johnson.

The fighter jets from the US military are arriving in a minute. Epps warns them to aim for the robots that aren’t evil. Lennox and the gang spread out, reminding each other to aim for the underboob, since Transformers’ armor is weak there. Epps marks Blackout with a little green light, which Blackout almost immediately notices. Blackout fires on the military.

Lennox has stolen a motorcycle and is driving through the streets to circle back around and jump off of the bike, sliding on his back to shoot Blackout directly in his underboob. Wonder what his uniform is rated for for road rash.

Sam is watching as Optimus gets his ass handed to him. Up in the sky, Starscream commits identity theft, and then attacks the Air Force. The Air Force can multitask however, and light Megatron the fuck up. Sam has, for some reason, come out of hiding, and Megatron uses this to his advantage, trying to take the AllSpark from him.

Optimus tells Sam to put the AllSpark in his chest, but Sam has a better idea. He shoves it into Megatron’s chest, which has been basically shot open at this point. Megatron makes a Space Invader noise, convulses a bit, then falls over dead.

Congrats on your first murder, Sam.

Optimus tells Megatron’s corpse that he got what was coming to him, then implies that they’re brothers. What flavor of brother isn’t established, but neither was basically anything between the two main faces of the franchise in this film, so it’s fine.

Ironhide walks up holding the two halves of Jazz. Optimus informs Sam that he now has a life-debt to this child. Whether or not Sam is absorbing any information at this point is up in the air. Mikaela shows up, with Bumblebee in tow.

In tow.

In tow-

Sam stares at her blankly. Mikaela stares back, making the pretty girl face. Man, what a great dynamic these two have.

Jazz is dead. That sucks. Optimus is handed his corpse to hold, while he thanks his new friends for helping out.

Then Bumblebee talks and he’s fucKING BRITISH.

Sam is obviously shocked by the fact that Bumblebee is British able to talk now, since not talking has been his whole thing up to this point. Optimus doesn’t let it phase him. Neither does Ratchet, despite having been working on Bumblebee’s throat injury for centuries at this point.

Bumblebee wants to stay on Earth with Sam. Optimus is just like whatever. Sam agrees to have a sweet Camaro from outer space.

Optimus pulls what is left of the AllSpark out of Megatron’s chest. I’m sure that’s not a setup for potential conflicts, not in the slightest.

Over in Washington, D.C., the US President has ordered Sector Seven be terminated, and all the Transformer corpses be disposed of. And by “disposed of” they mean “thrown into the ocean.” Dang, sure hope Earth signed some sort of agreement with the Transformers so that they never come to Earth again. You know, just be proactive about our galactic safety.

The Linkin Park kicks on, as Optimus gives us our bookend narration, telling us what the Autobots plan to do now that their race is at a genological dead end. As he does, we see Lennox reunite with his wife and child, who I had genuinely forgotten were in this movie.

Optimus is pretty chill with Cybertron dying out, because now they know about Earth. We get a shot of Sam and Mikaela making out, a shot that becomes more and more horrifying the further they zoom out, because they’re making out on top of Bumblebee. Who they KNOW is a sentient creature at this point.

And then it gets even worse, because the shot changes, and oh hey! Turns out that the rest of the Autobots were just chillin’ off to the side while this went down. Optimus continues his monologue, just walking around in his root mode as he tells all of Makeout Point how they’re “robots in disguise” now.

The monologue is actually a transmission he’s sending out into space, inviting any of his leftover pals to come kick it on Earth with them, because Earth is pretty cool.

And that’s where they leave us.

IT TOOK THREE PEOPLE TO WRITE THIS SCHLOCK.

So. Bayverse 1. A film showcasing xenophobia, misogyny, and toxic nationalism. It’s rough. Is it the worst film I’ve ever seen? Not even close, but it’s bad, and it was a huge deal at the time of release. Everyone was seeing it, everyone knew the actors and robots, everyone had a scene that they liked. Everyone was exposed to Bayverse, and as a result, a lot of people entered the Transformers franchise thinking that it was all like this.

And really, how far off would they have been in 2007?

When a franchise refuses to introduce female characters until years after being established, when all those female characters have the exact same body type, when a franchise hires misogynists to write stories, when it allows shit like “Prime’s Rib!” to be published- no wonder Michael Bay was approached to direct.

What a mess.

--------------------------

COMING SOON:

TRANSFORMERS: REVENGE OF THE FALLEN (2009) - MEGAN FOX I AM SO FUCKING SORRY

TRANSFORMERS: DARK OF THE MOON (2011) - WILL YOU JUST STAY DEAD

TRANSFORMERS: AGE OF EXTINCTION (2014) - SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW SHUT UP ABOUT THE LAW

TRANSFORMERS: THE LAST KNIGHT (2017) - ACTUALLY, FUCK CONTINUITY

#transformers #bayverse #part one #maccadam #Hannzreads #Hannzwatches #text post #long post #film analysis #off topic

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thenextchapter22 · 3 years

Text

PART SIX!!

Description: You were an Angel who went to the human world to escape punishment for loving Lucifer only to be brought back into his life, this time in the Devildom where you pretend to be human.

In this chapter: You are back at the HOL...

Tags: Unrequited Love, Fluff, Angst, WIP

Pairing(s): Lucifer/Reader

Word Count: 2.5k

Link to my AO3: Click Here

Authors Note: It’s been a month and my hiatus is over now, so please enjoy this next part!! Love you guys so much ~~

Part One Part Two Part Three Part Four Part Five

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Being back in the House of Lamentation was a little strange. After a few extra days at Diavolo’s in that admittedly larger bedroom than yours, Lucifer had taken you back home. He bid you a quick farewell, a single hug and hair ruffling with his smirk, before he said he had duties to attend to. And things seemed back to normal with that. It was a little anticlimactic but…

Home. This was your home. Lord Diavolo gave you, an Angel (and were you still technically one, without your halo? Only wings and some leftover magic?), permission to live in the Devildom. A place for Demons, not… you. He called you ‘family’. Even Barbatos, when leaving the Castle, had smiled at you and given you a happy goodbye and an invite to tea whenever you’d like.

“Your company is always welcome,” the demon butler had said.

You stood just outside your doorway, as if turning the handle would transport you somewhere else. Maybe this was a dream. It was all too surreal to have actually happened.

Once you were inside, barely two steps in the bedroom, an invisible weight lifted off you. This was where you spent your nights, either totally alone and at peace, or with your housemates to keep you company. Studying with Satan or reading a novel and talking about the characters while sitting in your bed, or watching DevilTube with Mammon and laughing at the rom-coms because he was a sucker for those. If Asmo came back late from a party or if he was lonely and needing cuddles, you both would stay up late gossiping about everyone, and you would hear funny stories about Solomon or the brothers. When Levi would come out of his cave, and bring his handheld games, and you would battle each other for hours (you usually won only a few times but it was still fun). Eating midnight snacks you and Beel snuck out from the kitchen, waking up with crumbs in your bed and a different demon boy in your bed, Belphie, who was cuddling you and mumbling in his sleep, warm and soft, like the twins had traded you off.

The only demon brother who never came in your room was Lucifer… That man was always in his own bedroom, up late doing paperwork or wandering around doing things for Diavolo. He overworked himself constantly.

You smiled, recalling the first time you had ventured in his bedroom at night to give him some coffee and poison apples to snack on. He was grateful for it, and he smiled with crinkles in his eyes and warmth radiating from him, and he thanked you. It was one of your best moments here, with him. A small one, but still perfect.

“You’re back!!”

You jumped in surprise as your legs were attacked and you very nearly fell over. Your train of thought vanished immediately. Looking down, then seeing the mop of blonde, you realized it was just Luke.

He was a sweet Angel, still learning and growing, and he had a heart of gold. Sometimes he was a bit sensitive to the demon brothers teasing (mostly Mammon’s). It was funny to watch him get all flustered and red-faced when that happened and insult back to the best he of his abilities.

“Hi Luke,” you greeted, returning his hug. “I’m happy to see you.”

He grinned up at you, head just reaching mid-level, his chin resting on your abdomen. “I missed you. Are you feeling better? Simeon told me everything and I’m so excited to hear you’re an Angel just like us! You have to tell me all about when you lived in the Celestial Realm, please?”

Simeon chuckled from behind Luke, tugging him away gently. “Let’s leave her alone while she gets settled back in, okay? We can visit another time. We came to see Lucifer.”

Luke pouted, but sighed and nodded. He took your hand and squeezed it once. “I want to hear all about it, okay?” he asked with determination.

That was Luke, always adamant and cute. You smiled and ruffled his hair, the youngest Angel huffing. “I promise I will, Luke.”

Simeon waved goodbye, shutting the door behind him, and that left you alone in your little room. You fell onto your bed face first and inhaled deeply, rolling on your side and clutching a pillow to your chest.

Now what would happen? Things seemed to be returning to normal, but would everything?

A knock. “Are you in there Angel girl?” Belphegor’s voice came through the door.

You were a little nervous to see him, but he was the last demon brother you’d thought you’d see first. Seeing as he was usually asleep somewhere.

But when you opened the door, it wasn’t only Belphie. It was all of the brothers, minus Lucifer, and they had wide silly smiles on their faces. And then they tackled you in hugs, squeezing you and overwhelming you with their tight holds and back rubs. You just laughed and let them, knowing they probably had been worried about you after all.

“Guys—please, guys stop! I can’t breathe,” you laughed, shoving at the arms and torsos around you. Once you were free, you stepped back and smiled. Seeing all of their happy faces had your insides twisting in joy. “I missed you guys so much, it’s good to see every one of you.”

Mammon spoke first. “Damn right! We’ve been totally freaked out about you. We-well, I-I mean, I haven’t been losing sleep or anything, but they all kept asking Lucifer where you were and when you’re gonna come back. Ch, losers.” His face was flushed when he finished. Why was this white-haired demon so damn cute when he was trying to not care, you would never know the reason.

“I lost no sleep,” Belphie stated.

You chuckled. Typical Belphegor. “Well, I am sorry for worrying everyone…” You frowned, and looked at the floor. There was that inner voice telling you that even if they were all here and hugging you, it was still possible for them to dislike you for lying, hiding this entire time. “But… You don’t… hate me?”

Asmo gasped. “No, dear, we don’t hate you at all! We love you!”

That made you tear up a little bit, and Asmo cooed and hugged you. Mammon grumbled and Asmo gave you one last squeeze then let you go. Your face was a little bit red but only from the embarrassment of nearly crying when being told you were loved.

“How could we hate you? You’re still you,” Beel said.

Satan agreed. “Yes, exactly. Only now you have wings and magic we didn’t know about. You’ll have to show us sometime, I’ve never seen an Angel’s wings in person, only in textbooks. It makes sense why your grades in Celestial History are on par with my own.”

You smiled sheepishly. “Yeah, well… only up until a certain point…”

Satan chuckled. “Yes, I suppose that is true. I do want to see your wings, but we were told you’re still healing so there’s no rush.”

“Yes, we want to see them too, darling~”

“The Great Mammon should get first look.”

Waving your hands to calm them down, you nodded and agreed. “Okay, I promise I’ll show you eventually. But like Satan said I do have to take it easy for a while.”

You were planning on going for a midnight fly session tonight, though… But that was a secret that you felt comfortable keeping, like a small white lie. Hopefully no one would find out.

There was one demon who hadn’t said a word, in fact he barely hugged you like the others did. Leviathan. He was quietly standing in the doorway, fidgeting on the balls of his feet, probably waiting for his turn to say something but too shy to speak up.

“Levi? Do you have anything you want to tell me?”

He jumped in surprise, but nodded after a moment. His face flushed and he fumbled with his hands, he usually did that when he didn’t have a phone or device in them. “I-I just want to say… Please don’t ever ever EVER leave us again. I don’t know what I’d do without my midnight gaming buddy. And, well, I just—I love you, okay? You’re my Henry and you aren’t allowed to leave like that!” He was flustered when he finished and avoided eye contact with everyone.

The other boys ‘aw’ed and you smiled in happiness. It was incredible to know that no one hated you for hiding this from them.

“I won’t ever leave you, Levi.”

That was a promise you hoped to keep. These 6 demon boys here were family, your own siblings, and you loved them and all of their weird quirks.

“Hm, I want to ask you something,” Beel’s voice rang out.

Oh no, this was it. The dreaded questioning. They would want to know everything, why you left, where you were, why you lied. And you didn’t know if you had to courage to speak up.

“How did we not remember you?”

Oh thank the Heaven’s. Good kind Beel, nothing bad ever seemed to come from him. Shoving the urge to sigh appreciatively out loud because that would cause actual questions that would be difficult to answer, you instead pondered the question. Would it be against Lucifer’s wishes? He never mentioned keeping it a secret from his brothers.

And so, you told them. About Michael and their memories being tampered with. And they were livid. So livid in fact, they all transformed into their demon forms. And your room was filled with infernal magic and wings and tails flickering. It was intense, but you knew it all came from a place of love. Even Satan, who had yet to be born at the time this happened, was upset, his green tail twisting around. In the tiny space, it was a lot.

Holding up your hand, hoping this calmed them down, you spoke softly, “Please relax everyone. I’m okay now. Simeon and Lucifer helped me. No one can hurt me here.”

“And… you’re staying?” Satan asked.

“I’m not going anywhere.”

They all relaxed, and changed back to their ‘human’ forms. You felt that you could breathe again.

The silence was tense, and you swallowed thickly, trying to think of something to say. Luckily, someone else did.

Asmo clapped his hands and exclaimed, “Let’s have a movie night! Popcorn, blankets, cuddling. It’ll be so fun! It’s the perfect thing to reconnect.”

Good ole’ Asmo, you would kiss him if you didn’t think it would cause a disaster. “Yeah, let’s do it,” you agreed. “But I pick the movie. We’re watching a scary movie.” You wiggled your fingers, chuckling.

Mammon’s face dropped. “Uh, we—we should watch something else, like an Action movie. A superhero movie, those are awesome!”

“Why, are you gonna cry if we watch a horror film?” Satan teased.

“Yeah, poor Mammon’s gonna wet himself,” Belphie joked.

“He probably already has,” Levi chuckled.

Mammon growled, and reached for them with his hands, probably to strangle them, but you stuck out your hand. “Please, no fighting. We can watch a funny movie then.”

Mammon relaxed. “I didn’t care either way!” he declared.

So your bedroom was transformed into a fort of soft pillows, blankets and sheets. Satan used a spell to make the bed larger for everyone and he TV was enlarged, too. Very handy spellcasting. Beel and Levi went to get snacks and drinks, and everyone else got the room set up with pillows for everybody.

After the movie started, and everyone was situated on the huge bed, it was quiet. Everyone was scattered around with their own pillows and you felt surrounded by warmth. This was exactly what you needed, just some time with them, feeling at peace.

But the comfortable quiet did not last long.

From where Mammon was snuggled beside you, he nudged your arm and said, “So… are you gonna tell us about it?”

You blinked. “About what?”

“Your life with the humans. We want to know everything. What it was like, who you met. Oh, did you meet anyone famous?”

Satan sat up straight. “Yes, did you meet any historical figures?”

Everyone seemed to be listening in instead of watching the film now.

You thought it over, and nodded. “Yeah, a few I guess… they were ordinary people to me at the time, though… Just your fellow human helping out other humans. I tended to keep out of any major conflicts so not to affect too much. I guess just part of what I’d been taught growing up in the Celestial Realm: don’t do anything to change the path humanity will take.”

Mammon nodded. “What was one of your favorite memories?”

Wow, that was a hard question to answer. You even said so. “I lived on Earth for a long time... I have a lot of stuff packed in my head,” you chuckled.

“Aw, c’mon, there’s gotta be somethin’ that sticks out,” Mammon said. “You can’t think of one thing?”

“Oooh, what was your favorite style of outfit? Maybe those pretty dresses from the 18th century?” Asmo asked.

“Anything before the invention of the internet has to be the worst,” Levi commented.

Beel, while chewing on some popcorn, said, “The food is always gonna be good, but when the cheeseburger was created was probably my favorite time in history.”

You chuckled at each of their comments. But you did go through your favorite memories, friends’ long past and different towns flashing through your mind’s eye. Overall they were happy memories but in the end, it was always the same endgame. They died, and you moved on.

You must have made some noise or done something because Asmo made a cooing noise at you. “Oh, sweetie.” He immediately pulled you into his arms, tucking you into his neck to pet your hair. A few tear drops fell but you did sob or cry at all.

There were hands rubbing your back and arms, and you looked up to see the brother’s saddened smiling faces.

“We are here for you,” Satan reassured you, stroking his hand up and down your upper arm. His hand was warm and comforting.

Levi sniffled, and squeezed your hand. “Don’t cry anymore, you don’t need to when we can protect you now.”

Beel reached behind himself, and held out a candy bar towards you. “Hey, do you want some of my chocolate? It’s got small crunchy bits in it. And chocolate makes you feel better.” He smiled, and handed you the candy bar. It had a bite out of it, but the thought was nice.

“Thank you, Beel.”

“And here, take my blanket, you look cold.” Belphie put his small throw blanket over your lower half, making his brothers curse when it buried their own arms or hands.

You smiled up at him. “Thanks, Belphie.”

Asmo made a huffing sound. “Well, I want to play with your hair. Can I braid it, please?”

You giggled. “Go ahead, Asmo.”

You let them pamper you up, while the movie played in the background. Eventually the movie ended and Levi set up a racing game, and you all selected your characters and played together. It was a perfect first day back home.

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freedom-of-writing · 3 years

Text

Forever my wife

Just my take on how the WayHaught wedding could’ve turned out. I wrote this before the airing of episode 4x12, so expect it to be different.

It’s here. Their weeding day has finally arrived. Nicole has been smiling her brightest smile all morning. She can’t believe she is finally getting married to the love of her life, her Angel, the Guardian of her heart. Waverly Earp. Her wife. Wow... that sounds so good.

She is all dressed up and almost ready for the ceremony, thanks to Rachel. She is wearing a beautiful maroon suit with a very simple and natural-looking makeup. It was Rachel’s idea, and she absolutely loves the result. As for Waverly, she has Wynonna to help her get ready. Obviously. Part of Nicole wishes she could just peek at them, sure they must be having a lot of fun right now. But she and Waverly agreed their wedding looks should be a surprise, so she is getting ready in the barn, while Waverly is in their room in the Homestead.

“Alright, there you go!” Rachel exclaims when she’s done with Nicole’s hair. “What do you think?”

Rachel curled her beautiful red hair, and clipped it backwards on one side, so that it is falling nicely on her right shoulder.

“Wow...” Nicole stares in awe at her figure in the mirror.

“I know. I’m pretty proud of my work too.” Rachel says with a proud smirk.

Nicole chuckles lightly at that, and then she turns to face her. “Thank you.”

Rachel smiles brightly at her, moving her hand up to fix a lock of Nicole’s hair. “I’m... I’m gonna go check on Waves. See if Wynonna needs any help...”

“Okay.”

When Rachel leaves, Nicole moves to sit on Wynonna’s bed. Closing her eyes, she tries to recall all of the milestones that led them here. Their first meeting at Shorty’s... Waverly Earp smiling at her from her front porch... her heart shattering when Waverly told her they should’ve been just friends, and all its pieces coming back together the minute Waverly kissed her in Nedley’s office... their first time, their big fight, all of the times they’d lost and found each other over the years... her regret of not having said yes right away... her hope slowly fading away in those 18 months alone... what they did on the stairs, and on the kitchen floor, and in the barn this morning... What a ride they had, huh?

That’s what she said. She can imagine Wynonna saying to her. The thought makes her smile. That woman is a real sucker for a dirty joke. And she’s part of their journey too. Who would’ve thought they could become best friends. And yet, here they are. It’s crazy how close they’ve become.

Right as she’s thinking about that, Nicole is brought back to reality by the sound of knocking on the front door. Speaking of the devil...

“May I come in? Please, tell me you’re not naked...” Wynonna asks as she walks in with a hand covering her eyes.

“Actually, I’m lying completely naked on your bed right now.” Nicole jokes.

“I’d rather not think about what you did on my bed this morning...” Wynonna says lowering her hand.

“Excuse me?!” How the hell does she know about their morning... exchange of love.

“Poor innocent Jeremy told me about it. Poor soul, I think you traumatized him for life...” she mocks her.

Nicole shakes her head in disbelief. “Just come here, and sit with me, Earp.” She invites her patting at the space beside her on the mattress.

“Huh uh, no way. I’m never touching that bed again.”

“We didn’t even do it on the bed!” Nicole yells before she can realize what she is actually saying.

“Yep. I’m burning this whole barn to the ground tonight.” Wynonna states in a joking tone before going to sit on the bed near Nicole.

When she was settled, Nicole smiled her beautiful bright smile at her, and Wynonna noticed her eyes were sparkling with tears.

“You okay, Haught?”

“I’m getting married to Waverly Earp today...” she says as if that could answer Wynonna’s question.

“You’d better.”

Nicole chuckles lightly at that, and then she asks: “how is she?”

“She’s ready.” Somehow Wynonna knows exactly what Nicole needed to hear. “Oh, I almost forgot. I got you something” She exclaims a moment later, taking a necklace from her dress, in the space right over her boob. “No pockets.” She explains with a shrug when Nicole laughs lightly at her. Same old Wynonna.

“Please tell me it’s not a boner necklace...” Nicole jokes.

“Damn it! Now I’m mad I didn’t think of that!”

That makes Nicole laugh again. And in that moment, she realizes the tears that once threatened to fall are now completely gone. Wynonna did it again. It crazy how this woman can make it all go away with just one joke.

“But seriously... here.” Wynonna says as she hands over the necklace to Nicole.

Nicole takes it and lays it on the palm of her hand, so she can study the pendant. It’s the shape of a heart, and inside it there are two small figures, two girls sitting on its outline as if the pendant was a swing. On the outline of the heart, then, there are two small inscriptions: always my sister / forever my friend. Nicole reads them, and then turns to look at Wynonna in shock. That’s definitely not the gift she was expecting to get from “miss everything’s a joke to me”.

“Waverly gave it to me for my eighteenth birthday, right before I left Purgatory... She wanted me to know that I’d always have a home here if I wanted to come back. I always have it with me. Even if I’m not wearing it. It’s like my lucky charm. Which is kind of stupid considering all the troubles I got in in my life...”

“Wynonna, I...” Nicole’s at a loss of words. No one’s ever given her something that was so special to them.

“You’re gonna be my sister now, right?” she says matter-of-factly, and Nicole can feel herself getting all emotional again.

“I’ve never had a sister…” She states, mimicking what Wynonna had told her a little less than two years ago. I’ve never had a best friend.

“You do now.” Wynonna states in all seriousness as she fights back the tears blurring her eyes. “A pretty messed up one, but...” she starts to joke, but Nicole interrupts her.

“She’s perfect that way.” She says taking hold of Wynonna’s hand and giving it a gentle squeeze.

They stay like that for a moment, neither one breaking the peaceful silence that fell upon them. Nicole can’t take her eyes off the necklace. Waverly gave it to Wynonna, and now Wynonna is giving it to her. It’s not just a promise to be friends and sisters forever, it’s also a way for Wynonna to say “Waverly’s the most precious thing that I have, and now she’s yours to protect and love”. The idea makes her even more emotional, but if she cries now, she’ll ruin all her makeup, and it took Rachel half an hour to put it on. So she takes a deep breath to force back the tears, and then she gets up and turns to face Wynonna.

“Help me put it on?” She asks, holding out the necklace for Wynonna to take.

A tear falls down Wynonna’s cheek as she smiles at her friend. She wipes it away quickly with the back of her hand, and then, she gets up grabbing the necklace. As she is fastening it, they hear a knock on the door. It’s Rachel. In a very Wynonna-fashion she does not wait for an answer before walking in. She is here to let them know everyone’s ready, and they’re just waiting for the two of them. All of a sudden Nicole feels like she can’t breathe. It’s happening. It’s time. OMG. Her heart is racing uncontrollably, and she thinks she might get sick. That, of course, does not go unnoticed on Wynonna, who puts her hand on Nicole’s shoulder, giving it an encouraging squeeze.

“C’mon, Haught. You’ve waited long enough. Now you get to be happy.” She smiles lovingly at her friend. Best friend. God, she’s so happy for her right now. She finally gets to be happily married to the love of her life. It’s what she deserves.

When she feels Nicole is breathing somewhat steadily again, she offers up her arm for her to lean on as they walk out. With a deep breath, Nicole puts her hand on Wynonna’s arm, and she lets her friend lead her out of the barn, with Rachel in tow. It’s a beautiful sunny day, and she can smell the perfumes of a thousand flowers, and the green grass around the Homestead is glowing bright in the summer sun. Nicole takes a look at the guests waiting for them by their seats. It’s not many people, it’s true, but all the ones who matter are here. Jeremy, Doc, Nedley, Billy, Mercedes… wait. No way! No! She turns towards Wynonna in shock.

“Are you serious right now?!” she exclaims in disbelief.

“Do you know someone else who can officiate your wedding?!”

“Anyone but Bunny!”

“Listen, sheriff, she’s who I found, okay? Do you wanna get married or what?”

“You’re gonna be the death of me, Earp…”

“Oh, please, your life would be so boring without me.”

“I’m marrying your sister, I can think of a few ways to entertain myself…” she objects with a smirk.

Their banter is interrupted by Nedley clearing his throat to get their attention. “Ladies…”

Both turn to look at him. Nicole can instantly feel the tears forming in her eyes. He’s here to walk her down the aisle. This is all surreal. How is this real life? She feels like she’s in a dream.

“Wow… Look at you.” Nedley says in admiration.

“Yeah, you don’t look bad yourself.”

“I’m proud of you, kiddo.” He says in her ear as he brings her in for a tight hug.

Nicole’s been able to hold back the tears so far, but after those words she just can’t. Her parents might not be there to support her, but she has Nedley, and that’s all that matters. She allows one tear to stream down her cheek, but then she collects herself quickly. She can’t cry. Not before the ceremony has even started. Nedley smiles lovingly at her as they let go of each other, and then he holds out his arm for her to lean on. Nicole takes one last look around, and she notices Wynonna is gone. She must’ve gone get Waverly. It’s time. No more waiting. This time it’s for real. Smiling back at Nedley, she puts her hand on his arm, and they start walking towards the others. My God, this is crazy. She thinks as she sees Bunny waving at her happily. Just a perfect Earp-fashion wedding...

As they walk slowly down the aisle, her eyes get wet all over again. She just can’t help it. When she got to Purgatory she was completely alone, and now she’s getting married to the love of her life and she’s got a family who loves and supports her. She is smiling so big right now, she can feel her cheeks beginning to hurt, and just the idea of seeing Waverly makes her hearts burst with joy. She looks at Rachel, her maid of honor, and she feels so proud. The past 19 months weren’t easy for either of them, but they got through. Together. They’ve seen each other at their worst, and now hopefully they’ll get to see each other at their best too. Today a new chapter begins. A better one for sure. No matter what happens next, nothing can be worse than the hopelessness and loneliness she’s felt in those eighteen months alone.

Nicole is brought back from her thoughts when Nedley gives her hand a gentle squeeze. Nicole gives him a sweet kiss on the cheek, and then he moves away to get to his seat. All of a sudden, murmurs fill the air, and she turns to see Waverly and Wynonna walking out of the homestead and towards them. Nicole can feel her heart pounding hard. Wow… Waverly looks so beautiful… She is in a long sleeveless white lace dress. Her hair is tied up on the back of her head, and it has beautiful colorful flowers in it. Her makeup, just like Nicole’s, is very simple, and she is absolutely breathtaking. Nicole can’t help but stare at her in awe as she walks down the aisle leaning on Wynonna’s arm. And the same goes for Waverly as she studies her fiancée’s look. They both look perfect. This is all so perfect.

“Hi” “Hey” They greet each other once they’re standing side by side.

“Haught.” Wynonna says as she lets go of Waverly to embrace Nicole. “You take care of my baby sis, okay?” she whispers in her ear, her voice cracking with emotion.

“Always.”

“You got the girl, Nicole. Now go get your wife.” Wynonna says leaning back and winking at her.

What happens next is a mystery to Nicole and Waverly. All they can focus on is the person standing right in front of them, and it feels like they’re in a bubble, just the two of them. They can barely process what’s going on as Bunny takes the word to let the ceremony begin. They come back to reality when it’s time for them to say their vows.

“Sheriff…” Bunny invites her to go first.

She’s had a hard time in the past few days trying to find the right things to say, but she’s figure it out at last. Although no words could ever fully express how much Waverly Earp really means to her. As she takes Waverly’s hands into her own, she begins.

“Waverly Earp… You are my home, my love, my Angel. You are the oxygen that keeps me breathing, and the light that brightens my days. Being loved by you is by far the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You came into my life at a time when I was lost, and alone, and you turned my world completely upside down. You filled the void in my heart with joy, and laughter, and love. You gave me memories to hold onto, and reasons to fight, and stay. You turned this unfamiliar place into my home, and these strangers into my family, and all of my insecurities into my biggest strengths. You taught me to love myself just as much as I love you, and you showed me perfection where I could only see flaws. You inspire me to be the best version of me, and to always be fighting for what I believe in. You are everything I’ve ever wanted, and so so much more.” She pauses briefly to turn and take the ring from Rachel, and then she continues.

“So today, in front of our friends, and family, I take you, Waverly Earp, to be my wife. I give you this ring as a promise to love you, respect you, cherish you, and support you as my partner, my person, and my equal. And I swear I’ll do my absolute best to make you smile as bright as you do today for the rest of our lives. I vow to be a loving and protective wife, to be open to change, and ready for every challenge that comes our way. And for as long as I live and breathe, I will be by your side. Always your shield, forever your wife.”

Wow... that was a lot. Waverly knows it’s her turn now, but she is so emotional she is afraid she might forget everything that she wanted to say. She looks down at the ring on her finger, and somehow it calms her down. Looking back up into Nicole’s beautiful brown eyes, she knows she just has to speak from her heart, and the right words will come. So she takes a deep breath to steady her voice, and then she begins.

“Nicole Haught... wow, I can’t believe this is actually happening! I’ll never forget the day you walked into Shorty’s with your uniform, and your Stetson in your hands, and confidence for days. I’d been living a life in black and white for so long that I’d forgotten what real happiness felt like. But then you smiled your beautiful bright smile at me, and it all turned into colors. You showed me that it’s okay to be ambitious, and that I should never settle for anything less than what I deserve. You gave me a choice when I thought I had none. In a world of people telling me who to be, you just asked me to be myself. You held me together when my world was falling apart, and you made me feel special, when I didn’t know who I was anymore. You... you, Nicole Haught, are extraordinary. Whenever I’m in a dark place, you light my way back to safety. You are my harbor, my anchor, my rock. I don’t have anything to give you if not unconditional love, and support. And I don’t know what the future will hold for us, but I’m not afraid. Because I know that, whatever comes next, we will face it together. Side by side as it’s always been.” Mimicking Nicole, she pauses briefly to turn and take the ring from Wynonna. And then, she continues.

“Today, I take you to be my wife, on this land that’s always been my home, because you, Nicole Rayleigh Haught, are my home. With this ring, I promise to love you, respect you and support you as my love, my equal, and my partner. I will be your shoulder to cry on, and a rock to lean on. Your number one fan, the reason for your smile, and your light in the darkness. I vow to be a loving and protective wife, to love all of your flaws and imperfections, and to stand by your side for the rest of my life. Always your angel, forever your wife.”

Tears are streaming down their faces by the time Waverly finishes talking. They turn to look at their family, and they are all crying as well. Even Bunny seems to be a little bit emotional when she takes the word to conclude the ceremony.

“Alright then. Let’s make this official!” She exclaims. “By the power vested in me by... Wynonna Earp this morning, I now pronounce you partners for life, wife and wife. You may kiss your bride.”

Waverly and Nicole don’t waste a second. Without letting go of each other’s hands, they lean in for their first of many many kisses as wives. It’s just a tender kiss, but it still conveys all the love they have just professed for one another. When they part, Nicole leans down so her forehead is resting on Waverly’s. And as they stay like that for a moment, it seems like everything else disappears, and it’s just the two of them. Their eyes are blurry with tears, and all they can see are the big bright smiles lighting up their faces. This is doubtless the happiest day of their lives. There is so much joy in their hearts right now that it feels as if they might even explode.

“My wife.” Nicole states in a dreaming tone.

“Forever.” Waverly adds.

“I love you, Waverly Earp.”

“And I love you, Nicole Haught.”

None of the rest matters. As long as they have each, there is nothing they can’t overcome. Their love has survived the most impossible situations, and it will last forever. Of that they are sure.

Always your shield, forever your wife.

Always you angel, forever your wife.

#Wynonna Earp #Bring Wynonna Home #wayhaught #wedding #fanfiction #fanfic #love wins #waverly earp #nicole haught

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soft-thrills · 4 years

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XF Fic: Too Much, Just Right

I fear that if I don’t post this now, I may never post it.

Summary: Mulder/Scully smut. Dom Mulder. NC-17. Classic PWP. Mulder and Scully get kinky on a vacation to Big Sur. That’s it, that’s the plot. It’s embarrassingly long, what else is new.

It satisfies two prompts from the Dec ‘18/Jan’19 @xfpornbattle, which, LOL, could I be any slower?

Those prompts are:

Dom Mulder draped over Scully's back, pounding into her and whispering the dirtiest things in her ear while playing with her clit. Bonus if there are people nearby.

and:

Dom Mulder blowjob, slapping Scully's cheeks with his dick while she touches herself

I reserve the right to revisit this setting, by the way, because Big Sur is the most surreal landscape I’ve ever visited, and it’s a BIG Mulder/Scully mood.

If I’ve not scared you off, keep reading, friends. Unbeta’ed. Sorry for the typos or tense slips. I tried to catch ‘em all. If you like it, hate it, it makes you feel something, anything, please let me know.

He books them a cabin in a redwood grove on the California coast. Their cell phones lose reception as they begin the winding drive through Big Sur, dramatic scenery seemingly all around them — jagged cliffs and primal, roaring ocean waves on one side; mountains and thick forest on the other. It feels like the edge of the universe.

They are in a rented Jeep, with the top taken off, and Mulder had popped The Beach Boy’s Pet Sounds — somehow at once upbeat and melancholy, not unlike him — into the CD player.

They are relaxed, happy. Blessedly alone.

“No shared apartment walls out here, Scully,” he says, his voice dark and low, the way it always sounds in the evenings when he takes charge.

His hand lands on her thigh and she jumps. He smirks. She feels off balance — the rush of the wind around the Jeep, Brian Wilson’s voice, the sheer edges and the blue sky — and it feels good.

“No neighbors. I’m going to have so much fun making you scream,” he promises. “Just you and me in the middle of nowhere.”

...So he hadn’t realized there would be another cabin about 20 feet away from theirs, occupied by a friendly couple in their twenties who wave when they pull up, just as the sun is setting. She shoots him a trademark raised eyebrow.

“All alone in the middle of nowhere, huh?”

In the end, it works out. Ed and Mary are lovely, and they spend the evening sitting around a fire pit between the two cabins, sharing a cache of West Coast IPAs, pinot noir and marshmallows. Sadly, Mulder and Scully have to politely turn down the couple’s generous offer to enjoy some fine California Gold marijuana, what with the federal employment and all.

A couple hours later, it is well and truly dark. Scully knows from past trips out to Big Sur when she was young that the sky is full of stars, though they can’t see it from their vantage point beneath the thick canopy of redwoods. She feels warm from the fire and the drinks and the easy camaraderie. She feels happy, relaxed, far from her responsibilities.

“Ready to hit the hay, Scully?” Mulder asks, a voice so sweet she’d almost forgotten the mood he’d been in earlier.

Almost.

She felt warm all over again.

“Yeah, if we want to get up early tomorrow and hike, I suppose we’d better.”

And so they say goodnight to Ed and Mary, who say they’d be outside a little while longer, making sure the fire safely dies down. Very responsible.

The cabin is small but well appointed — for once it really is a nice trip to the forest. It has sliding glass doors, and once they were inside, Mulder drew the curtains almost all the way. Almost. It would be unlikely Ed or Mary could see anything from their vantage point, but not entirely impossible if they ventured out of the clearing. The walls are thin enough that she can hear Mary laughing at something Ed said outside.

“Guess it would be a little rude to make you scream, Scully,” he says, and she jumps, because Mulder’s low voice is right against her ear, and she hadn’t even realized he was behind her.

“I guess so,” she says, not happy about how shaky her voice is already.

“Maybe I’ll just have to settle for making you whimper. Making you beg. Making you moan.”

She could settle for that. Doesn’t really feel like settling at all, actually.

“And maybe, Scully, if you’re very good, and you promise not to make too much noise, maybe I will let you come.”

She watches her own chest rise and fall, listens to the sound of her own breath. He is so annoyingly, wonderfully good at this. It was hard, at first, for her to accept that she liked it — that bossy Dana Scully liked being bossed around in bed. She supposes it’s not particularly shocking. It might even be predictable. It took Mulder next to no time to figure out, brilliant profiler and whatnot. But it’s still hard to be vulnerable with someone when you want them to treat you as an equal in a relationship. Harder still when you also work with that someone in an environment where it is imperative that they treat you as an equal.

Needless to say, she got over it.

“Would you like that, Scully? Would you like me to make you beg?” he asks, running his hands up her sides, and she can’t help but shiver.

“Yes.”

“Take your clothes off,” he says, not a whisper anymore, and his voice is enough to make her jump.

He stalks out from behind her as she sheds the fleece jacket she’d worn to keep warm by the fire, then her t-shirt, then her jeans.

“Stop,” he says, when she was down to her underwear and bra, simple but matching black cotton.

He kisses her, hands in her hair, like he’d been waiting to do it since he’d made his now-amended promise back in the Jeep all those hours ago. A needy sound escapes from the back of her throat, and she can’t tell if she’s squirming because of embarrassment or desire but she’s pretty sure it’s both.

She is out of breath when he pulls away.

“You’re so beautiful, Scully. You’re perfect,” he says, and while she doesn’t think of herself that way, in that moment, she believes him.

“I want to make you deliriously happy,” he tells her.

She leans into his chest as he strokes her hair.

“But first,” his voice drops again, his hand goes from stroking to gripping the hair at the nape of her neck, pulling back so she looks up at him. “You’re going to suck my cock.”

He is good at that — setting her at ease with sweet little touches and then jolting her back into their kinky little game — and she is a real sucker for it.

She glances in the direction of the bed, but he shakes his head. She feels herself get hotter. He pulls a pillow off the bed and places it in front of him. She knows what he wants, but she wants to hear him tell her.

“On your knees, Scully.”

She’s always been good at following directions. When she is settled, he unbuttons his fly. He takes his cock in hand, but instead of pressing it against her lips, he rubs it against her cheek. She feels herself blush and then he gently taps it against her cheek, and then a little harder, and that’s something new and Christ, it’s almost too much, which means it makes her wet.

“Does sucking my cock turn you on?”

She silently curses him for expecting her to speak in this condition. “Yes. Please,” she says, although she’s not entirely sure what she’s asking him for.

He slaps his dick against her cheek again and she squeezes her legs together. Too much. But God, she likes it.

“You can play with yourself,” he says. Of course she can, she is a grown woman, and she can do whatever she likes to her own body… and yet on this evening, in this mood, she wouldn’t dream of it without Mulder’s permission.

He puts his cock in her mouth, and she takes him up on his offer, slipping her hands inside her panties and finding herself predictably wet.

She takes him as deep as she can, concentrating until she gets into a rhythm, then looking up at him and making eye contact. He groans, and she’d smirk if she could.

“I’ve been waiting all day for this, Scully,” he mutters. “Been thinking about sliding into your mouth since I started teasing you in the Jeep. I could barely concentrate out by the fire, I wanted you so bad.”

She moves the busy fingers under her underwear a little faster, and he notices.

“It makes you wet to have my dick in your mouth, huh?”

She moans around his cock. Too much. Just right.

Kinky sex with Mulder never fails to remind her what a good interrogator he is. He is constantly talking to her, asking her to react, asking her to admit her secrets — yes, I want you to make me beg, yes, I want to suck your cock, yes, I like having your dick in my mouth. It is a temporarily lopsided power dynamic — there is no doubt that Mulder is in charge right now — but there’s rarely any sense of force. She wants every filthy thing he does to her, and he makes her tell him that.

It is overwhelming to be the object of his intense focus, his questioning, his curiosity. At first it was terrifying how little she could hide from him. It is still a little scary — in an exciting, pulse-quickening way that reminds her why she turned in her stethoscope for a gun. It’s also oddly comforting: She doesn’t have to hide, or pretend, with Mulder. She just has to be herself, strange quirks and kinks and all. He could see through any pretending she could try.

She takes him a little deeper, deep enough that it makes her eyes water. A gentle thumb wipes away a tear that had formed at the edge of her eye. She looks up into his eyes and when he smiles at her, she nearly melts.

“Hands where I can see them, now, Scully,” he says, and she reluctantly stops touching herself.

Mulder withdraws from her mouth a moment later, and helps her to her feet. He steps out of his jeans, then pulls his t-shirt over his head.

“Did you enjoy that, Scully?”

That he calls her by her last name, even now, as she wipes the corner of her lips, it’s somehow a thousand times more intimate than if he’d used her first name. It’s like he sees right through whatever walls she might want to build, flimsier than the walls of this cabin, outside of which the fire is still burning as Ed and Mary keep talking.

“Yes,” she says simply, finally, answering his question. Then she flicks her eyes at his erection. “I could feel that you enjoyed it as well.”

Despite how much she likes it when he’s in charge, she can’t help but try to claw back a little pride.

“Of course I liked it,” he says, pulling her close against his erection. “What’s not to like about my buttoned-up partner getting on her knees to take my cock down her throat while she plays with herself?”

She moans -- an embarrassing, unintended, not very quiet moan.

“What did I tell you about being quiet, Scully?” he teases, followed by a sharp swat on her ass.

Too much. Just right.

“I can’t help it,” she whines, a whisper.

“Well you’d better try, if you want me to let you come.”

On any other evening she’d laugh. She’d scoff at the idea that anyone could *let* her do anything. But it isn’t any other evening and she’s ready to dissolve into a puddle at his feet and so she bites her lip and she nods like a --

“Good girl,” he says.

When she is back in her right mind she is going to murder him. Or buy him breakfast. She can’t really be sure.

He shoves her -- shoves her! -- onto the cabin’s king size bed, which takes up most of the small space. Her pulse is racing.

Scully knows, rationally, that there are lots of reasons people like any manner of kinky sex -- the trust, the intimacy, the letting go of responsibility, all of those things are appealing to her. But she thinks the biggest draw is the sheer thrill. She doesn’t know what Mulder will do next. She is a little afraid but terribly excited, the way she is as a roller coaster cranks its way up a hill, or when her heels click on the pavement as she chases a suspect. She slinks backward on the mattress, away from him, back up against the headboard, even as all she wants is his touch.

He slips out of his boxers.

“Where ya going, Scully?” he asks, all boyish charm and wolflike grin. He yanks one leg, hard, pulling her down the bed until she’s flat on her back again.

“Mulder, please, I --” and she stops, because she doesn’t even know what to say.

“You looked very pretty with my cock in your mouth, Scully. Would you like me to touch you? I haven’t yet, have I? Touched your pussy, I mean,” he says, marking that last bit with a firm squeeze of her left breast.

“No,” she replies.

“No, you don’t want me to touch you?”

“Oh, god, please touch me. You haven’t, but please,” she begs, and it’s embarrassing to beg, but it’s also hot, and it’s also all she can do, because if Mulder doesn’t touch her soon she’s going to lose her mind.

He slides her underwear, embarrassingly wet, down her legs, his fingernails scraping their way.

“Turn over,” he says.

She does, arching her ass up almost unconsciously. He gives it a playful smack and she moans.

“What do you want?” he asks her, drawing his penis up and down her labia, teasing.

“I want you to touch my clit,” she says.

He waits. She waits.

“No,” he says, the only real warning she gets before he slides his cock inside her, to the hilt.

She cries out -- and his hand covers her mouth.

“What did I tell you about being quiet?” he growls.

The feeling of him inside her -- hot and hard and so big -- is overwhelming. But she knows she won’t come without his fingers on her clit, and so does he. He’s going to keep teasing her.

He moves his hand away from her mouth. She’s prone on her stomach and he’s draped over her, all over her. His lips are against her ear.

“Are you going to be quiet for me, Scully?” he asks her.

“Yes,” she whispers.

“Good,” he says. “We wouldn’t want our friends outside to hear what a little slut you are, now would we?”

Too much. Just right. She whimpers, muffling the sound into the mattress beneath her.

“I bet you’d like to rub your clit right now, wouldn’t you?” he asks her.

“Yes, please,” she says.

“But you’re not -- why aren’t you touching yourself?” he asks.

She squirms, just another subject of his interrogations, just as helpless against his probing questions as any of them have ever been.

“Because you haven’t let me,” she admits. “You haven’t given me permission.”

“That’s right, and I’m in charge, aren’t I?”

She has heard Mulder’s voice crack like a whip. She has heard him bellow, heard him snarl, heard him command a room of men with just his words.

But this — this rough, ragged whisper, so close to her ear she feels it more than she hears it — it’s so unbearably intimate, so unnerving. It reverberates to her very core.

“Yes,” she admits. “You’re in charge. Please.”

“Please what, Scully?” he asks, as he slams into her. “Do you want to touch yourself?”

“Yes,” she breathes. And then: “No. I want you to touch me. Please.”

“That’s my girl,” he says.

Before she knows it, two fingers are working her clit in tight little circles as he pounds into her. In another moment she might envy his athleticism, be impressed by his coordination. But all she can do right now is moan into the pillow beneath her, overwhelmed, overloaded.

Too much, just right.

“I told you to be quiet, but you just can’t help yourself, can you?” he asks.

She assumes all he can hear is a moan, but what she’s muttering into the pillow is: “Pleasepleasepleaseplease.”

“I like it when you can’t control yourself, Scully,” he mutters. “Because even if you can’t -- I can. You know that, right?”

“Yes,” she whispers. “Yes yes, please, please.”

“Come for me,” he says, his voice practically a growl. “Come for me, Scully.”

She’s so worked up that a few flicks of his wrist is really all it takes for her to tumble over the edge, as sharp and severe as the cliffs they drove past a few hours ago.

“That’s right” he says, so fucking smug she wants to suffocate him, except she’s busy gasping for air herself.

She’s coming down as he starts moving faster. She realizes, appreciatively, the amount of self-restrain that was probably necessary for him to focus so singularly on her orgasm. She arches a little higher, moans a little breathier. He deserves it, doesn’t he?

“Give it to me,” she moans, knowing what buttons to press, wanting it to be as good for him as it was for her. “Please, Mulder.”

A moment later he spills into her, collapsing on her back, overwhelming her, surrounding her in the best possible way.

For a moment they both just lie there, flattened, useless, happy, sated people. Scully feels empty in a good way, a way she rarely feels. Divorced from her worries, from her expectations. Elated.

He slips out of her, slides to her side and spoons against her.

“God, I love you, Scully,” he murmurs into her shoulder.

“I love you too, Mulder,” she says, pressing back against him.

“I hope I wasn’t --”

“Stop. It was perfect,” she sighs.

A beat.

“But I hope we don’t run into Ed or Mary tomorrow.”

#xf fic #xfiles fic #dom mulder #xf fanfic #xfiles fanfic #Mulder/Scully #msr fic #msr smut #xfpornbattle #myfic

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inkrabbit · 3 years

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A Day at the Beach - Dan x Richard

I don't wanna talk about this. It's currently 3:20am and I was talking about this pairing in my little group chat. It's shit, because it wasn't planned at all and I'm tired, but here we are. Y'all aren't getting a summary, either.

Word count: 3,034

Mersea Island, Essex

It had been a long time coming, operatives saying how they wanted to go an actual beach and maybe spend the night. Anything to get away from the chaos in London, saying they all needed a vacation of some sort. Of course there were some operatives who were reluctant to agree to the idea, saying they didn't feel comfortable leaving when there was still so much to do, but they finally came around when harassed enough, agreeing to spending one night before they had to come back home.

So here Richard sat in the back seat of the car Lorcan had “borrowed”, music blaring and the man spouting outrageous tales. He see Dan in the passenger seat, a smile on his face as he shakes his head. He's entertaining his friend's stories, and also glancing down at his phone to make sure they're still on the right track to the beach.

“She fuckin' made boxty and then threw it at me!” The time Richard tunes in, he's completely lost, brows furrowing as he catches the end of the statement. Boxty? He catches Dan laughing, and he can even see Jeremy's lips curl into a smile, the younger man having been seated on the other side of the car.

“Did you still eat it?” Eat it? He wondered what kind of food it was. Maybe it was just an Irish thing?

“Of course I ate it! Not gonna let that go to waste!” He knew this was going to be an adventure in itself. He had seen Lorcan's energy in the safehouse more times than he could count, the man always pestering someone and trying to find a drinking buddy.

He could never really forget the first time the older man had approached him, a friendly smile on his face as he started a conversation. Nothing too big, just asking how he was settling in with the group and if he had any problems. Even if Richard had any sort of bad blood with the other operatives, he wouldn't make it known. But when the Irishman had offered him to go drinking, he nearly choked on his coffee. It had been so long since someone had left him speechless, and his hesitation was enough for Dan to walk over and shoo his friend away. He told Richard to ignore him, that Lorcan's innocent little invitation was more trouble than it was worth considering the man would get lost easily when drunk and wander off like a child. Richard would never admit it, but a small part of him actually liked the idea of spending time with DedSec.

Maybe that's why he was here now, stuck in a car with the group's trio and headed for the beach. Back then, he would've cringed at the thought of being seen with any of the operatives, but now? Well, it wasn't so bad. He supposed they grew on him, their friendly banter and family-like connection. Did he long for that normal lifestyle? Where he had people he felt like he could finally confide in and converse with? Or perhaps he just his old life before Zero-Day and DedSec came into the picture, working his job at SIRS and indulging in the odd party Emma Child threw, though it was normally all business. Emma... He had tried to forget her name and her existence, a pang of guilt always cementing itself in the pit of his stomach. Back then, he believed what he was doing was right, and to this day he still did. But did he have to go that far?

The rest of the drive to the beach is filled with stories from the other men. Lorcan tries asking Richard for some stories of his own, but he declines. What would he tell them, anyway? His mind drew a blank when the request left the man's lips anyway. He tries to listen to the chatter now, wanting something else to focus on while they got closer to their destination. Lorcan spoke of mischief he got into when he was younger, and Dan shares his own story of being picked up by the police trying to hotwire a car. He notices how Jeremy stays quiet, and when one of the men ask him why, he simply tells them. “Didn't have the happiest childhood. I stayed alone.” Fair enough. Richard found himself actually understanding. After his father's passing, he threw any sort of social life out the window and locked himself in his room.

When the car finally stops, the sun is high in the sky and Richard is stretching his limbs, feeling his joints pop. It felt good to stretch, and the cool breeze coming from the ocean was heavenly. It had been so long since he had been here. The last time he had gone to a beach was with coworkers who had suckered him in to tagging along. It was funny how history repeats itself, but could he even call DedSec his coworkers? He supposed so, he did work alongside them ever since they had released him from that makeshift cell. Seeing everyone exit the cars, bringing out coolers and everything else is a pleasant sight. It's almost surreal. After everything that's happened, the group finally looks... normal.

He follows them to down to the sand, everyone picking out a spot and laying down their towels. Franklin had been nice enough to set Richard up with his own little spot, just a bit away from everyone else. He appreciated it. The group had made him a tiny bit nervous, still worried they would eventually snap and lash out at him. He takes a seat on the towel, legs crossed as he watches the others. Some are starting up a game of volleyball, while others are making their way into the water. He notices some of the operatives stay behind. He can see Franklin and Edmund chatting away, occasionally sharing a small kiss or nuzzling the other's cheek. It wasn't often he saw people so affectionate with one another, especially in the group.

A little farther away, however, he can see Dan sitting on a towel, legs crossed and hunched over a book. It's a surprise, to say the least. The once cheerful face is replaced with nothing, the stoic expression seeming so foreign. Glancing back at the ocean, he can see Lorcan picking up Jeremy and tossing him back into the water. He assumed Dan would've joined them, or at the very least, Jeremy would've been the one sitting out.

He spends the day relaxing, finally laying down on the towel and basking in the warmth of the sun, the cool breeze occasionally sending a shiver up his spine. He wonders what the little beach cottages will look like inside. He knew some operatives had grouped together to save money. He wasn't exactly sure who he would be staying with, having stayed out of the conversation and assuming he wouldn't even accompany the group at all. Maybe he would ask when time drew near?

Some operatives had come up to check on him, and Rebecca had even invited him to play volleyball with them. It was sweet that they tried to include him, but he declined. He still felt awkward partaking in activities with them, weary tension thick around the group (or was that all just in his mind?). He still watches them, however, taking this time to get to know their quirks. The way they move, how they each have a unique look while concentrating. It was amazing how they all seemed more open when they weren't cramped in the safehouse.

As the sun slowly starts going down, he agrees to help Dan make a bonfire. He had collected the stones, forming a decently large circle and using the wood brought back. Lorcan had become antsy, pouring some whiskey onto the wood and using his lighter to start the fire. It wasn't something Richard would do in a thousand years, but it had worked and warm air made him feel better. He sits in the sand with his legs propped up, elbows resting on his knees as he takes in the soft chatter of the group. They're all telling stories, ranging from jobs they've done to crazy antics they've gotten up to in the past. Franklin tells them some tales from Albion, while Edmund settles on a fight he had somehow won after taking to tabs of acid. Richard zones out here and there, focused on the fire and crackling wood. He almost doesn't realize how long they've been sitting there until a chill runs up his spine and a few operatives are saying goodnight. He joins in in wishing them farewell, and finally pays attention to the rest of the stories told.

One by one, the group around the bonfire slowly dwindles as people retire for the night. By the time the moon's high in the sky and the air's becoming more chilly, Richard is only left with the Irishmen. He had seen Jeremy's head droop here and there, eyes lidded as he listened to Lorcan's drunken rambling. It's not long until the younger man is finally standing up, stretching his limbs and saying goodnight to the three. Lorcan follows right after, whining about how he didn't want to be locked out for the night. He assumed the two were sharing the same cottage.

His eyes flicker to Dan. He hadn't been as talkative as he was in the car, staring into the fire and only occasionally joining in the conversation. The silence is almost deafening between them. For some reason, it felt odd. Had he gotten used to the chatter of the group?

“What were you reading?” Richard finally asks, catching the man's attention. He looks at him, just for a bit, until he raises the book and shows him the cover. The Ghost Map. Ah, some London history. He smiles at it. “Didn't know you read.”

“Little hobby I picked up,” he responds, setting the book back down. “What about you? You read?”

“Here and there. I've always been busy with work,” he confesses. When was the last time he had actually finished a book? He couldn't remember. “Was that your plan? Just to read?”

“Ah, pretty much. Not feelin' too energetic today.”

“I assumed you would've been swimming the others,” This pulls a reaction from the man. He lowers his gaze, hazel eyes staring at the fire.

“Don't really like the others seein' me scars,” Richard raises his eyebrows at this. He wasn't aware of any scars, never seeing any on the man. Then again, he normally walked around with a jacket on, and he even wore a shirt all day while out. “Don't like seein' 'em meself. Just brings up bad memories.”

“How did you get them?” He regrets it as soon as the question leaves his mouth, but Dan doesn't give him a chance to take it back.

“Prison, mostly,” he confesses, “Some from the army, but only a couple.”

Right, he was still on parole if he remembered correctly. He had skimmed through Dan's file, curious about the headstrong man, but he didn't want to admit it. He swallows thickly, but curiosity gets the better of him.

“Why? I mean, why be sent to prison?” There's a pause, but it doesn't last long.

“Beat the shite out of my lieutenant,” Well he wasn't hiding anything, that was for sure. He wasn't sugarcoating it either. “Nearly killed him. Then while in prison, I ended up killing an inmate for bein' a cunt.”

“And that added on to your sentence?”

“Aye, by a year. Used to read all the time after they moved me. Fought so many people there they had to keep me by meself.”

“Christ, you were that bad?”

“Sometimes it was to defend meself, sometimes I was defending someone else. Hated the fucks who picked on smaller inmates.”

“You... really protected other inmates?”

“'Course. 'S why I protect London. I'm just... happier doin' this.”

Well, he hadn't expected that. He never really considered why Dan had fought so much, but he managed to get some stories out of him. Abusive childhood with a father who didn't accept his youngest son. He supposed Dan had just gotten into the habit of protecting his younger brother from their father. He couldn't say he shared the same experience, but he does finally tell his own stories. A neglectful and overbearing mother, how he had lost his father at a young age and hid away from the world. He even tells him about his own time in the navy, and the man looks surprised when he mentions his own prison sentence.

He's not sure when, but the two of them have finally moved closer together, knees brushing against each other as the fire finally dwindles out. It felt nice to talk, and he was pleasantly surprised at how open Dan was. Any question he asked him, the man would answer with no hesitation. What books he read, what music he listened to, how well he did in school, anything he could think of. In return, Dan would ask him questions as well. What the navy was like, if he truly liked SIRS, what he went to college for. He had hesitated at first, but after a few questions, he finally felt relaxed enough to answer without having to think so hard.

When he finally starts to yawn, the two agree to go to bed. Putting out the fire, they walk across the beach, Dan confessing they would be sharing a cottage together. Apparently the group had agreed both would do well together, seeming to have a mutual want for their own space. The inside is nice and cozy, and Richard decides to let Dan take a shower first. He sits down on the bed, rubbing his eyes and stretching. It wasn't an eventual day, but he would admit it was nice to get out of the safehouse. He had been trapped in there, even after his release, sleeping awkwardly on the couch. He was honestly excited to finally sleep in a normal bed.

Richard's almost surprised when Dan exits the bathroom, his shirt gone and his scars showing. Some were older than others, and he was surprised when he noticed a scar in almost the exact same spot he had one. On the left side of his torso, just missing any organs. Dan doesn't even look in his general direction as he runs the towel through his hair in an attempt to dry it. Standing up, he decides to leave him on his own and take his own shower.

The steam hits him and sends a shiver up his spine. The water in the shower is still warm as his feet make contact with the droplets, hand gripping the silver lever and twisting. The water feels amazing, and he takes just a bit longer than normal as he relishes in it. The silence, the warmth, the feeling of the water hitting his skin. For the first time in a while, he finally feels truly relaxed, his eyes slipping shut. The only thing that makes him move in the exhaustion that finally hits.

Turning off the water, he steps out of the shower, drying himself off. He buries his face in the towel for a bit, his mind buzzing. It was all still so surreal. He felt like any moment he would wake up from a dream, still trapped in his cell with no way out. Looking up, he's almost relieved to still see the bathroom door in front of him. He runs his hand through his hair in an attempt to smooth it out after he's finished getting dressed. Setting the towel on the counter, he flicks off the lights and opens the door. To his surprise, Dan is already laying in bed and fast asleep. He tries to be as quiet as he can as he walks over, admiring the man in the dim light. His arm is hanging out of the blankets, his face in a slight scowl. Slowly reaching out, he runs a hand through the man's damp hair, watching his features relax. It amazed him at how similar they were, at least with their past. Pulling back, he crosses over and sit on the edge of his bed, rubbing his face with his hands.

“You ever touch me without me permission again,” Dan suddenly grumbles out, “and I'll break your fuckin' hand.”

“Oh, stop being a child,” he scoffs, though a small smirk crosses his lips. “I'm sure that's the first time in a while you've gotten any sort of affection anyway.”

There's shuffling and Dan finally sits up, staring at him. There's a look in his eyes, challenging and confident.

“Ya wanna touch me so bad?” he purrs out, “Come and give me a kiss.”

He's stunned, throat running dry as the Irishman holds his gaze. He's grinning, but it's not joy. Oh no, he's grinning because he thinks Richard is going back down. And he might have if he still wasn't upset with the attitude he had to endure during their meetings before Zero-Day was stopped. No way in hell he would let the man have something else to bring up.

Pushing himself off the bed, he crosses over once more. His actions are quick, worried if he took his time, he would change his mind. He grabs the man's face, fingers running through his beard as he bends down, pressing his lips against his. It doesn't last long before both pull away, and Richard laughs at the horrified expression on Dan's face.

“I'm not one to turn down a challenge,” he tells him softly, patting his cheek before returning to his bed. He slips underneath the covers and lays on his side, listening to the soft rustling noises. He's not expecting it when Dan finally gets up, grabbing his shoulder and turning him over.

“Ya wanna fuckin' kiss me, at least do it right, ya idiot.”

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tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 4 years

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Thoughts on the two 8 Out of 10 Cats episodes that have aired since the pandemic started (s22e08, a Christmas special; and s22e09):

-Obviously, we have to address the weirdness of how these episodes were clearly filmed pre-COVID. No social distancing among the cast or, more importantly, the audience. Also Maisie Adam had all her hair and Jimmy Carr had not done whatever he did with his hair in 2020 (I still don’t know exactly what that is, I know he had some sort of transplant but haven’t specifically seen pictures, I guess I’ll find out how looks at the 2020 Big Fat Quiz).

I realize most non-topical shows were filmed long before they air. I assume that’s why 8 Out of 10 Cats stopped being a topical show a few years ago; it’s easier to film a bunch of episodes at once and air them whenever than to have to film and air week by week. Normally this is not a big deal. Even if we only had the regular episodes coming out now, it would look a little weird to have no social distancing but the audience would understand that it was filmed earlier in the year. Like with the Catsdown episodes that came out in August but were clearly filmed in late 2019, based on Rachel still being pregnant and the lack of COVID.

The weird thing is when you call one of those episodes the 2020 Christmas special. It was vaguely surreal to watch that, like it was the Christmas special of a 2020 that took place in some alternate dimension where we all had a normal year. Normally you could get away with filming a Christmas special ten months early (apparently it was filmed in February 2020) because Christmas is basically the same every year. But that does not work in 2020. Honestly, I’m surprised they aired it. I’m surprised they didn’t try to film a socially distanced Christmas special later in 2020, or just not air one at all.

It was actually sort of cool to see this weird episode from an alternate dimension. Like a look at how life could have been; how we could have spent the end of 2020 talking about how annoying it is to have to spend Christmas with our extended family.

-Continuing with the theme of 8 Out of 10 Cats Christmas specials somehow existing outside our own dimension and therefore being immune to changes in our reality, I do find it funny how they have asked the exact same questions at every Christmas special over the years. They always ask what the best things are about Christmas. They always have the same conversations about turkey dinners and gifts and Christmas TV and advertising and spending time with family. No intention of changing it, I assume.

-The dynamic between Rob Beckett and Tom Allen is so much fun. They are a pair of people who have the good rapport that comes from genuinely getting along (or at least doing a good impression of two people who genuinely get along). I’m such a sucker for “unlikely” friendships between different types of people. Also, given that they apparently went to the same school, if I am understanding British culture correctly, that means one of them is faking their accent, right? I assume it’s Tom.

-Also, I don’t know if I’ve given enough credit before to how good a dynamic there is between Rob Beckett and Katherine Ryan. They play off each other quite well.

-I like Maisie Adam better every time I see her.

-Remember that time when Ed Gamble made a joke about his mom’s vagina being like a sad bucket of chicken, then halfway through the joke he clearly realized what he was saying and changed his mind about saying it and kind of trailed off but it was too late to not say it? I used to watch intelligent television shows, you know. I was able to wrap my head around quite a few of the concepts in complex sci-fi dramas like Westworld and Orphan Black.

-8 Out of 10 Cats is really not as good a show as it used to be, but contrary to what the YouTube commenters think, that isn’t because Sean and Jon left and got replaced by all these women and people of colour and LGBT people and even some people who are two or three of the above. I mean, obviously Sean and Jon were great. And I’d be quite disappointed about not getting to see them since they left 8 Out of 10 Cats, if it weren’t for the fact that Catsdown has a huge number of episodes and will presumably make more so we can still see them any time we like. And the new captains of 8 Out of 10 Cats have been great fun. Aisling Bea and Katherine Ryan are good at what they do and fit the format well. And even if you do believe straight white dudes are the only people who can make good comedy, how could anyone complain about having more Rob Beckett in the (public) world?

8 Out of 10 Cats is not as good as it used to be because it went from being a somewhat topical show to the hodge-podge it is now of whatever they’ve decided to throw at the wall an in an effort to appeal to the youth. Which mostly consists of YouTube clips and electrocuting people. Seriously, there has been a weird amount of electrocuting people in the last few seasons. It makes me wonder if those things they use to shock each other were just really expensive and they want to get their money’s worth. That or Jimmy Carr has a fetish for being able to shock people. Both are possible.

Not that I’m trying to romanticize 8 Out of 10 Cats of previous years as some paragon of intellectual social commentary. I know far more than I’ve ever wanted to know about British reality television, and I know that because of 8 Out of 10 Cats episodes that aired during the Sean and Dave/Jason/Jon eras. But it used to be more about talking about stuff, even if that stuff was a reality dance competition, and that gave the comedians more of a chance to shine and show off their banter. Rather than whatever weird gimmicks have infested the show now.

But despite all that, I’m going to watch the new episode that airs this Sunday. I’m going to watch any new episodes they make. Because the show hasn’t become 100% YouTube clips and weird games; there’s still banter among the comedians and that’s still good. Also, watching Rob Beckett get electrocuted while Jimmy Carr cackles like an actual sadist is, in fact, pretty funny. But if they’re going to air a bunch more episodes in early 2021, I’m going to have to do something with my TV-watching schedule that means I’m not regularly watching 8 Out of 10 Cats at the same time as I’m regularly watching Never Mind the Buzzcocks. I can only do so much absolutely junk TV at a time.

#8 out of 10 cats

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mogoona3000 · 5 years

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Irondad & Spiderson Extravaganza—Fanfic Author Appreciation Day Edition

In honor of Fanfic Author Appreciation Day, here’s the fic list that haunts me at night, that list I cannot stop reading even if I wanted to. There are a few more but this was going to run too long, so I’ll just add my AO3 bookmark link because wow. Everything I bookmarked deserves the look over. Promise.

Lights to Guide You Home - @jolinarjackson

This is that story I cannot stop reading, and I love it more each time I do. It introduces other characters from the MCU, and honestly, Jules can give the Russos a run for their money with the way storylines are connected here. It’s elegant and perfectly paced. It’s one of my favorites. I recommend the entire series wholeheartedly.

What We Are - @yellowdistress

A sucker for biodad Mr. Stark = me.

Guys. The very first chapter--the very first line in this story holds right at your PULSE. And it doesn’t let go, not until it wants to. Which is never. Precious Peter Parker is an UNDERSTATEMENT. You want some AU Stark boys going through their lives as best as they can? With your canon “chaotic & heart of gold” Tony, and “walking disaster & too pure for this world” Peter? This. This is it. The whole series. The whole thing.

The Third Option - Uncertainty_Principle

My very first fic in this fandom and it was, indeed, the best start I could’ve possibly gotten. This AU is outstanding. Man, what a job well done. I have so much to say that I can’t even begin to express it all. This fic blew the door wide open for me. It’s..yeah. This is masterful.

Hydra’s Not a Home - @tempestaurora

Ugh. There is something about biodad Tony that just fills my lungs with air. This entire series was so complete, so well done; it was fun, and witty, and hurtful and feelings were everywhere. Also, also..Pepper is everything and more in here, and I love when she’s heavily involved. And it’s done well. It makes me FLY. Needless to say..yes. So much yes. The entire series. The whole entire thing. A must read. A muuuuuust. Yes.

Webcams and Webshooters - @losingmymindtonight

I’m trying very hard to keep my composure because THIS SERIES RIGHT HERE, MAN. WOW. These two chaotic messes are being ridiculous on Peter’s YouTube channel and it’s the funniest, the most enjoyable thing. Nothing short of the most loving and endearing clips until it punches you in the mouth, leaves you bleeding, and then patches you up. All at the same time. If you listen closely, you can still hear my love and tears over this. Goodness, this was outstanding.

It’ll Be Over (And I’ll Still Be asking When) - @jbsforever

My heart. The jokes. The tears. The Bruce. The way this story is handled, the way Peter Parker..I just..And there is that one scene that I just go back to all the time, because y’all just write the coolest things, and my nerd tears are LOUD. Someone read this and geek out with me. Message me right after you’re done. RIGHT AFTER.

Reviving Peter Parker - @yellowdistress

Here’s what happened: I read this and it took me the h out.

You know, some times we wish for things that we know cannot take place. And when they actually do happen, because in the world of Tony Stark, aliens and gods walk amongst him so nothing can really surprise him anymore, it’s not all it’s cracked up to be. Denni has a way to tell a story with such very human-like emotion, and responses from our boys, that it’s almost too much. The tears were present right with their sibling pain. Read it all. All the parts. You won’t regret it.

The Closest Thing He’s Got - @ grilledcheesing

The..things I underwent with this wonderful work..All the emotions in the spectrum. Just so many things to feel.

You love Steve? Read this. You hate Steve? Read this.

You love Spidey? Read. This. You hate Spidey? Read this, but good luck.

You love Irondad & Spiderson trope? Read this!!!!!

You love Tony Stark? Read this right now. Because he’s dong his best and everyone needs to back off.

You hate Tony? Read this and eat your heart out.

Read this. Read this read this read this

5 Times Peter Parker Saved Tony Stark - @madasthesea

There is a special place in my heart for all things “Peter Parker saving himself + others” and Tony just impressed with him each time. Because yeah, Tony. You found a good one. And he loves you just as much as you love him. “Ugh. So proud of that Spiderbaby” was what I murmured throughout this whole thing, with the occasional scream :)

5 Times Peter Made Tony Laugh Out Loud - @ grilledcheesing

There were tears rolling down my face when I read this. It was the funniest thing. I love Peter, that walking disaster. I’m just glad Tony is in his corner. Please read this and have yourself a good laugh. It is the best. But beware that all jokes must stop at some point.

5 Times Everyone Thought Spider-Man was Iron Man’s Favorite Superhero - @madasthesea

Mr. Parker deserves all the love, and all the support. All the encouragement. All the good and “doing his best to be good” Irondad. This is the fic where my boys are loving on each other and everything is right with the world.

Here’s to All the New Beginnings - @groo-ock

There is no retired Irondad like this author’s retired irondad. Gosh, Tony is a MESS, but what a good one he is. This gives you origin pieces here and there, and Tony being comically distressed over Peter, and loving him so much, it’s almost unhealthy. Also, love me some Pepper Stark nei Potts. I laughed so hard and then cried just as much. Peter’s growing and Tony can’t handle much of it.

Honey Bee Theorem - @ closingdoors

There are so many ways Tony’s life could’ve been lived, so many things that could’ve happened, so many things that could’ve been said. Pepper explores all of them, and it leaves you breathless no matter which way she presents them. This was quick and painful and gorgeous. We stan Queen Stark nei Potts. And we might not be okay, but yeah, he can definitely rest now.

Soul of Wit - @yellowdistress

Sometimes I’m in bed at night thinking, “hmm, Denni is out for blood.” And by that, I mean she’s out for mine specifically. This ridiculous one-shot shot me right in my chest. Leave it to Denni to literally show you the world as it is, and make you feel this..ache in your chest, and have you THANK HER FOR THE PAIN SHE’S CAUSED. I love her work so much, that talented bean. Read this. Till the very, very end. It’s gonna suck, but I promise you’ll love it.

Holdfasts - @groo-ock

“I know this is just my under-treated anxiety talking,” Tony says, “but if I leave this chair or close my eyes even for a second, the kid is going to die. So I have to stay here.”

Tony and Peter are a walking disaster. It’s so bad, oh my gosh. It’s so bad. The laughing while simultaneously panicking as I read this was unbelievable. The things these authors make me FEEL. Y’all don’t understand how good this is. Like, lol, seriously. This is just straight up phenomenal. Phenomenal.

Four Paragraphs - @iron--spider

WOW. Okay. The softest thing in all the land is what takes place when this majestic author creates a story. I mean, seriously, these were the best four paragraphs I’ve ever laughed and cried through. The love, the pride, the longing, the gentleness. “Everything is alright. We’re okay” is always the theme with iron--spider and honestly? I STAN SO HARD, IT MIGHT BE ILLEGAL. Loved this so much. So much.

Call This Fixer-Upper Home - @3wworms

Amy has a way with words. It’s surreal how a simple one shot about a couch can have someone aching, eyes prickling, and long after the tab for the story is closed, the thoughts of it all produce salty tears. Maybe it was the note she left before the story started. But..nah, Amy has a WAY with WORDS. It’s unmatched. It’s surreal.

I Am One of You Forever - @groo-ock

Say goodbye to your canon broken heart because this is coming for it full force. This was entirely too beautiful; it was easy. Simple. Genuine. It was SO moving. The closing chapter to the brand new book. Like a dream. Mundane, loving, friendship, love. You name all good things, this one-shot has got it. The tears will be inevitable. On multiple occasions.

Star Child - @iron--spider

This is so organic and so soft. It’s wholesome, so much so it made me cry. These two really deserved more time. And I will never thank this author enough for giving it to them. Always. My Pete is undoubtedly a star child. Don’t fight Tony on it.

The First Birthday After - @iron--spider

Goodness. No words. Just tears.

Happy Birthday, tincan.

We miss you.

Flight of the Navigator - @3wworms

Everything, and I mean everything Amy posts is truly organic, mature and just nothing short of phenomenal. This is my favorite from her. The level of detail and characterization displayed here leaves me speechless. Always. I literally run from her fics. She pushes things out of me with the most mundane, simple concepts. A conversation, a thought, a LINE. Goodness, did I cry when I read this. It’s elegant and intelligent, insightful. It’s just so great. There is a tone to everything she creates, and it’s always so heartfelt. Everything. Everything everything is truly a work of art.

Blankets and Brain Melting Fevers - @hailing-stars

I love some ridiculous, overprotective, comical Tony Stark. And I love even more the way Peter’s heart always has a thing for showing something new to this man. Something as simple as spaghetti-o's, and to make me CRY real tears. This was so funny and truly wonderful. Uncalled tears! But wonderful nonetheless.

On My First Son - pansley

I almost didn’t include this. There are some things some would say are better left..unread. But what a disservice would that have been to you, to us, to the author.

I cried throughout the entire time I was reading this. Literally. The moment you meet Peter, you already lost.

This is absolutely incredible. What a piece.

This one is the definition of a tear jerker. Period. It will wake up things inside of you that you’d never even know you’d felt for these characters we grew with.

I cannot emphasize this enough: I was dangerously dehydrated.

Heavens, what a story. I was breathless.

Read this, but sincerely do so with extreme caution.

Hold on to everything, because this one-shot is coming like a tsunami. No ifs ands or buts.

#iron dad and spider son #iron man #spiderman #tony stark #peter parker #fanfic author appreciation day #fanfiction

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dreamwritesimagines · 5 years

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Once A Year 16- Unexpected [Billy Russo x Reader]

A.N: Thank you so much for your patience my loves! Here’s the finale! <3 Your messages make my day, please keep them coming! <3

Summary: Sometimes, fairytales end differently.

Characters: Billy Russo x Reader, Frank Castle x Karen Page

Warning: Explicit language, abuse, violence, dysfunctional relationships, cheating, murder. As usual, I don’t condone any of the messed up stuff happening on the show or in this story.

Word Count: 2862

Due to the linking issue, the previous chapters are on my masterlist<3

You really hated funerals.

Except for this one. This one, somehow, gave you a rush of relief. He was gone, locked away in a coffin, never to leave, never to find you ever again.

“Aldrich Killian was a successful businessman.” The priest said “But more than that, he was compassionate.”

Right. Keep talking about shit you don’t know, buddy.

You kept your eyes on the coffin, barely paying attention to the speech, or the way Carter looked almost frozen, blinking so hard as if trying not to cry.

Closed casket funeral.

Happens when you leave a corpse for almost a month.

Fits you, asshole, you thought, And hey, who could’ve thought those crime shows were right, huh? The killer always attends the funeral.

“He was taken from us by a cruel twist of fate,” the priest said and you tried to keep your expression stable.

Not exactly true, is it Aldrich? I took your life. I ended you. I made you suffer, just like I promised myself back then.

And there’s nothing you can do about it.

Your phone buzzed in your purse but you ignored it, still staring at the coffin.

“In times like these, it may be hard not to lose faith.” he said, “But we all know that those who were responsible for it will face justice.

It had been almost too easy to frame Billy’s ex boss Rawlins. Now it wasn’t only Billy and Frank but also the police were looking for him, and you were almost proud of yourself for coming up with that idea. Two birds with one stone.

Or better yet, two bodies with one bullet.

Ah well.

Carter took a shaky breath beside you, and you stole a look at him, then squeezed his arm in a supporting manner.

“And it is important to keep in mind that Aldrich Carter will be remembered.”

No he won’t be. I made sure of that.

Finally, they started to lower the casket into the grave and you pursed your lips to make sure you weren’t smiling, and soon enough, people started to go back to their cars. You checked your phone, then looked up at Carter.

“Hey,”

“Thank you for coming,” he muttered, “I know it must’ve been hard for you.”

You smiled slightly, “I’m here for you Carter, not him.”

Liar liar…

“To think that the last thing I told him was….” Carter trailed off, then shook his head, “Anyway. I know he was a terrible person, his death doesn’t change or excuse what he did to you.”

You shrugged slightly, then started walking beside him slowly.

“So um- how have you been?”

“I’m good,” you nodded, “I’ve been pretty busy lately.”

“Yeah, I heard you sold the gallery.” Carter said “I thought you liked that place.”

“I did. I do. It’s just-“ you heaved a sigh, “I think a clean slate will be good for me.”

“So what will you do now?”

“Early retirement.” You joked, making him smile, “I don’t know. I’m going away for a while actually. I’m- I think I’ll make a home for myself somewhere.”

“I thought New York was home for you.”

“I don’t really think home is an actual place for me anymore.”

He hmmed, “Billy then?” he asked, “I assume he’s coming with you?”

You nodded again as you reached your car, “Yeah. He is.”

Carter thought for a moment, “Are you happy, Y/N?”

You didn’t even stop to think, your answer was natural and for the first time in your life, sincere.

“Yeah,” you said, “I am. Weird, huh?”

Carter tried to smile, “Nah not weird, just good.”

“And you?”

“Ah, you know,” Carter shrugged, “I’m just…trying to be.”

“Carter,” you told him, “I need you to listen to me. You’re the nicest guy I’ve ever met. Don’t let what happened with me keep you back, okay?” you cleared your throat, “It was selfish of me to drag you into that. None of it was your fault, and I betrayed your love and your trust. Don’t let me change you. Please, please don’t make me turn you into….me.”

He thought for a moment, then shot you a mischievous look, “You turned out just fine,” he said, then pulled you closer to hug you tight, and you patted his back before you pulled back.

“I’ll see you around Y/N.”

No you won’t.

“See you around, Charming.” You said softly, then got into your car and drove away.

* * *

The road to airport was almost peaceful. You checked your wristwatch, then looked around and made your way to the café Billy had told you they were in.

“Hey babe,” Billy stood up to peck you on the lips and you winked at him, then sat down next to Karen who sat across Frank and Curtis drummed his fingernails on the table.

“Hey guys.”

“Today is just sad,” Karen mumbled, resting her chin on her fist and you grinned,

“Nah, it’s okay. You guys are among the very few people who will have my new number, it’s not like we will lose contact.”

“It’s beyond me how you’re willing to move away with this asshole.” Frank pointed at Billy, who punched at his arm,

“Don’t make her see sense until it’s too late, brother.”

“I know right? It surprised me too.” You grinned at Billy who shook his head slightly, “Anyways, you guys are totally invited.”

“I’ve never been to Tahiti,” Karen wondered out loud and Curtis nodded,

“Me neither.”

“See? One more reason to visit.”

“I mean I could use a vacation,” Frank stated and you motioned between them,

“There you go,” you said and turned to Curtis, “You too, you know? I can’t handle him alone, I need help.”

“I know, I know...”

You checked your watch, “Bill.”

“Yeah, I know, it’s almost time.” He downed his coffee, then stood up, Frank and Curtis following him suit. You turned to Karen.

“Plane tickets on me.” You smiled before you pulled her into a hug, and she chuckled in your grip.

“Deal.”

“Don’t be a stranger, yeah?” Frank said as soon as you pulled back and cocked his head in Billy’s direction “Keep my boy out of danger, he’s an idiot.”

You let out a small laugh and nodded after hugging Curtis, “Don’t upset blondie over there and we have a deal. Oh, speaking of-“ you reached into your bag, “Karen?”

“Hm?”

“Catch.” You tossed her your car keys and she caught them mid-air, then shot you a quizzical look.

“What-?”

“I’ll mail you the papers when I land, consider it my thanks for putting up with my bullshit,” you clicked your tongue, “I may or may not have checked you out while Frank wasn’t looking too.”

“Hey!”

“She’s hot man, and I’m a sucker for pencil skirts!” You defended yourself and Karen gawked at you,

“Y/N, you can’t just give me your car-“

“Yeah I can, I’m rich.” You said, making Billy chuckle and shake his head fondly, “Take care, okay?”

Billy threw a hand over your shoulder, then pulled you closer as you started walking to the private hangar. You entwined your fingers with his and he pressed a kiss to the top of your head.

“You okay?” he asked, “The funeral….?”

“Yeah,” you said as you heaved a sigh, “I just- um… I don’t feel guilty. Is that normal?”

“Our normal.” Billy said, “Others are expendable, remember?”

You nodded slowly as your phone buzzed in your hand, making you stop walking and you checked the screen.

Dad

You hesitated for a moment, then declined the call and put it back into your bag.

“Skittles?”

You let out a breath, then shook your head,

“Just-“ you swallowed thickly, looking around, “I never want to come back to….this. Any of this. Promise me I won’t have to.”

He seemed to understand what you meant, because he pulled you closer, his hands cradling your head before he kissed you.

“Never.” He whispered, “Let’s go home.”

*A MONTH LATER*

You were one hundred percent positive that you would never get tired of Tahiti. The scent of the ocean, the fresh air, the faint sound of waves hitting the shore as you dangled your legs over the wooden porch railing you were sitting on, eyes closed, with a warm cup of coffee in your hands.

This was what happiness felt like.

This was what home felt like.

It almost felt surreal.

Your eyes opened as a pair of arms wrapped around your waist and you smiled softly, looking up so that Billy could press a kiss on your forehead.

“Morning.”

“Hey,” his voice was raspy, still laced with sleep, “Why aren’t you in bed? It’s early.”

“I like watching the sunrise.” You said, “It’s… calm.”

“Well, I had a less calm activity in mind when I woke up.” He mumbled into your shoulder, making you giggle.

“Oh is that so?”

“Mm hm,” he kissed your shoulder as you ran your fingers through his hair, which was longer than before. He let out a noise of content, making you smile.

“I still think I will wake up someday.” He mumbled and you frowned, then swung your legs over the railing and turned around so that you could face him.

“Hm?”

“This…everything.” Billy ran his fingertips down your bare arms, waking goosebumps. “All of this. It feels too good to be true.”

You shook your head, “Bill, it’s not a dream.” You said softly, “It’s our happy ending.”

“Guys like me don’t get happy endings, Skits.”

“Girls like me do.” You shrugged, “You got lucky Russo. Deal with it.”

He chuckled, “Sometimes before I fall asleep I think I will wake up next morning and…not find you there.”

“Hey,” you cupped his cheek so that his dark eyes would find yours, “Never going to happen. You’ve been stuck with me ever since I stole your candy, remember? Sorry to let you know, it’s the rest of your life.”

Billy nodded, as if trying to convince himself and keep the bad thoughts at bay, “It is, right?”

“I mean,” you trailed off playfully, “Not like I have a vintage marquise diamond rose gold band ring, which you could find downtown on the fifth street right across that restaurant we ate last night.”

That finally made him chuckle, “You would think you didn’t reject me when I asked you to marry me.”

“Um, you didn’t ask me to marry you dickhead, you said and I quote, You know I will marry you right? Which in all honesty is a terrible-“

“I also asked you on our first night here.”

“Okay, pillow talk proposals don’t count, everyone knows orgasms mess up with your mind- also to repeat, no ring Russo. Beyoncé taught me better.”

He nodded solemnly, “Third time is the charm.”

You couldn’t control your expression anymore so you burst into a laughter, shoving him slightly, “So, what did you have in mind again, when you woke up?”

He grinned at you, then lifted you up bridal style, making you let out a squeal and carried you back inside, both of you laughing like crazy.

* * *

Time just flew by when you were happy.

It was so strange, normally –especially when you were in New York- every single thing you were going to do was planned, and each and every hour until you went to bed you had something. But now, it was as if you were free.

Now to think of it, you were.

“Okay, keep your eyes closed,” you said, still walking him until you reached the door of the empty shop. You had just finished dinner at a local restaurant, and you had basically dragged him outside afterwards, your heart beating in your ears. You unlocked the door, switched the lights on and turned to him, “Ta daa!”

Billy opened his eyes, then looked around before he turned to you with a quizzical look in his eyes.

“An empty shop?”

“My new gallery!” you couldn’t help to rock back and forth on the balls of your feet like an excited child, “I bought it!”

“Wait, really?” Billy raised his brows, “It’s uh… cozy.”

“I know, it’s smaller than the last one, but hear me out,” you licked your lips, “So I was walking downtown the other day, and it just occurred to me, what if I get this gallery to…to support the local artists? I made some research, and um- before, it was all about like general profit, and how much it’d push me up, and my bank account, that’s why I kept dealing with all those pretentious assholes, but now I don’t have to. I can actually use it to help people, and to support art, and- isn’t it amazing?” you finished, your voice going a pitch higher and that seemed to make Billy smile and nod.

“Wow, look at you babe.”

“I already talked to some street artists, and I think- Billy, it’s going to change their lives. I will be a part of that, I can make a difference here!”

Billy’s smile widened and he pulled you by the hand to get you closer before he tilted your chin up to kiss your lips.

“What do you think?” you asked, “Be honest. Brutally honest.”

“I think it’s a pretty good idea.”

“You’re not just saying that to get laid tonight?”

“You and I both know I’m getting laid tonight regardless.” He stated, making you giggle and steal a kiss, “But no, Skits it’s a really good idea.”

“And it won’t be as heavy as before, I can make my own rules here.”

“Mm hm. Once a boss, always a boss.”

“Yeah, keep that in mind buddy.” You grinned and let out a breath, “I’m excited!”

“I can see that,” Billy smacked your butt, making your jaw drop and shove him slightly,

“It’s a place of business, Russo!” You exclaimed as he chuckled and you pulled him by the hand outside, then locked the door.

You couldn’t stop talking about your new project all the way home. You had never even thought you could actually use your degree to help artists, it was all about money before, as your parents had drilled into your head, but now it was like a new horizon for you. You felt so energetic, so awake, and contrary to New York, you weren’t going to work to death.

It was just going to be perfect.

“So then I talked to him, and he says he had never even thought about being paid for his art which is insane, like I think he can get to places if he has a little push, and the gallery is close to the beach, so more tourists when you think about it.” You said as Billy pulled over in front of the house, then turned to you.

“You’re actually glowing, you know that?” he asked you with a fond smile, “Jesus, you’re even prettier when you’re happy.”

“I’m going to change lives!”

“Not a first for you Skits, you changed mine.”

You awwed, then leaned in to kiss him, “Come on, let’s get inside.”

“You go ahead babe, I’ll be there in five,” he pulled out his phone “I gotta call Frank, he said there was something he needed to talk to me.”

“Oh?”

“I’m sure it’s nothing,” he said and you nodded.

“Well, I’ll go inside and hop into the shower, and you’re welcome to join.”

Billy grinned, “I’ll be there in two minutes, I’m sure Frank can talk fast when he wants to.”

“That’s brotherhood for you,” you scoffed a laugh, then pecked him on the lips, “I love you. Don’t be late.”

You pushed open the car door, then went to unlock the front door and got inside. Humming a song, you made your way to the living room, switched the lights on and gasped, the fear hitting you with its full force.

Rawlins. Billy’s former boss, the man whom you heard was referred as dangerous and psycho by both Billy and Frank was standing right in front of your living room, pointing a gun at you.

“Hi.” He tilted his head, “Y/N, right? Russo’s girl?”

You could feel the whole room spinning, the panic making your mind work in full force. Your phone was in your bag, there was no way you could reach the door before a bullet hit you, and-

Billy was outside.

Oh God, he was outside.

“What do you want?”

He shot you a look, “You’re pretty,” he commented, “I can see why he wanted to settle down with you. But you see, framing me for a murder you committed made my life pretty difficult.”

“I-“

He tsk tsked, “And Russo…. Well. I’d say he’s had enough of this peace don’t you think? Working with Castle behind my back, and then pulling this shit? That’s not gonna fly. Maybe seeing your brains on the wall will make him remember that there are some lines he shouldn’t cross.”

Your heart was beating so fast that you thought it resonated through the room, as you heard footsteps and the front door opening,

“Skittles?” Billy called out and you opened your mouth to scream, to tell him to run away, to do anything- but before you could take a breath, Rawlins raised the gun and pulled the trigger.

There was a loud noise, louder than your heart.

Then, darkness.

The End.

Special thanks to: @theskytraveler @iblogabout-stuff @marauderskeeper @asongofmarvelanddc @mellxander1993 @papercloudx @noisyinfluencerstrawberry @superwolfchild-fan @anxietysucks @finnickfoxes @luminex3 @rhabakoli @fictionalthrill @redrxbel @maelloute @we-are-all-wild-things @evilturtlemonkey @xinyourdreamsx @demoncrypt1066 @go-crybaby @i-am-always-famished @delicatelilyflower @mamaraptor @rmwest9 @writeyourmindaway @becs-bunker @bubbleself @flaboyance @binbonsadoration @propertyofpoeandbucky @alwaysadreamingoptimist @lisa-stilinski @denimandcabernet @tofadavidson @seriouslynogood @mixed-imagination @broken-pieces @lettersofwrittencollective @binbons-is-theloml @thinemineours @cutie-bug @random-quartz @malik-payne @gollyderek @ariminiria @lucielandss @tofadavidson and lovely anons! <3 You’re awesome!

#billy russo #billy russo imagine #billy russo imagines #ben barnes #once a year #billy russo x reader #the punisher #marvel imagine #marvel imagines #jigsaw billy #jigsaw punisher #punisher imagine #punisher imagines #frank castle #karen page #imagine #imagines

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axther · 5 years

Text

children are meant to be cradled, not placed in wars

a bnha/reader fic

chapter one

YN was normal.

She lived in a neighbourhood that had good families and minimal crime. She was popular at school, and her best friend was the quiet, weird kid stereotype. Some part of YN wondered why it was all monotone, but then her friend would pull her along and they would commit some minor crime like regular teenagers.

One day, after hopping over fences into a house that YN and her friend had deemed their own but definitely hadn’t bought, said friend was staring at YN.

The friend, Soma Quinn, wasn’t normal. She always wore the same clothes (a pair of worn jeans, a Bethesda Dark Brotherhood jacket, grey converse, and a black tank top), and had to repeat herself to get her points across. She had only one ear, as when she was seven, she played with scissors too much and sheared it off. She kept to herself and looked constantly like she wanted to fight someone. But Soma was sweet and would babble for hours about her games and stories.

Today, though, something was off.

Soma had a slight staring problem. She would retract into her head like a turtle, it’s shell and stare into nothing. But, if she was staring at something in particular, like YN, then that was exactly what she was thinking of.

“What’s up? Thinkin’ about, uhh,” YN dropped her voice. “Murder?”

“Kidnapping, actually.”

“Ooh, fancy. Who?”

“You.” Soma batted her eyes.

“Oh?” YN smirked. “You should take me out to dinner first.” “What do you call this?”

“Oof, fair.” YN blinked. “But seriously. What’s up?”

“I’ve been having dreams again.” Soma frowned. “Nightmares.”

YN furrowed her brow, standing up. “What is it this time?”

“You know that thing where your ear rings out of nowhere and you wonder if you’ve got tinnitus or something?” Soma began biting her lip, the previous abrasions on the bottom lip not even having scabbed over yet.

“Yeah?”

“It starts out like that. Then I see this big ass comet. And then, like, it’s Fallout Four, without any green mods. And there’s no Sole Survivor.”

YN was silent. Soma had nightmares, ones that she took medicine for, but they would always come true. They varied; from YN’s father getting into a car accident to one of their classmates trying to shoot up the school. Every time Soma called out her dreams, actions would be taken, and disaster would be avoided. And they were always right.

“What can we do, Som?”

“Gay panic, probably.” Soma put her head on her fist. “We can’t stop a comet, but…”

YN stopped pacing. “But, what?”

Soma said nothing but continued staring at YN. The bigger youth began pacing again, and her eyes started tearing up.

“Oh my god. I don’t want to die. What about Mom and Dad? And...and we didn’t get to grow up! I wanted to go to the WTF Championships after my internship! You wanted to work at Bethesda! God! What the fuck!”

“There’s a hack we can use. But just us.”

“But what about-”

“Everyone else thought I was a freak. Even my own parents. But you don’t. Or if you do, then you don’t care. And honestly, that’s even better. I would kill for you, and I would die for you.” Soma glanced up at YN, and YN felt a chill go down her spine. There was a dark look in Soma’s eyes that was dangerous, like something deep and primal that neither of them had seen before had been untapped.

“I can’t let you die.”

Before YN could say anything more, a blue light lit up the floor. At first, it was just a circular pattern with a script that YN didn’t recognise, but then it filled out until lit looked like a cyan liquid (definitely not water; it wouldn’t be this bright) that splashed around and landed on YN’s bare arms. The outside of it began to collapse, with splintered wood and asbestos crumbling into dust and nothingness. YN started to pant, trying to grasp the situation.

“What the hell? Som, Som, what-”

“I am so sorry, YN/N.” Soma’s dark look became guilty and sad. “You and I can live free, now.”

“Wait-!”

And then, YN fell.

Falling to her death was nothing like what YN expected.

In all the movies and books and shows, it took a long time, with inner dialogue playing and no actual worry. But this was completely different. YN couldn’t think, and her throat felt like it had been sucker punched. The wind rushed past her, and she couldn’t breathe, and oh god, she was going to die-

But then, the smell of pine trees and sweat and a swath of white and black took over her senses.

Something, someone, had grabbed her bridal style, seven hundred feet in the air.

“I’ve got you! Don’t panic!”

The voice was loud and almost squeaky, but male. He seemed like a teenager, but no teenager could jump as high as YN was. She shook, her mind fuzzy and boggled. There was a controlled descent now, and YN could breathe again. When he landed, he gently set her down on her feet, and she fell to her knees.

“Oh! Are you ok? Are you injured?”

His voice was drowned out by the buzzing in her ears, and a distant humming. She could’ve sworn that it was familiar before it abruptly stopped.

“-s hurt, and she won’t respond, and oh gosh! What if she’s injured? How do I get her attention? Eraserhead hasn’t shown us emergency procedure yet, and what if she’s in shock? Of course, she’s in shock, you idiot!” The boy, who too had kneeled, was non-stop mumbling to himself. YN didn’t look up, but she listened.

“She hasn’t suffocated, I don’t think...ah! What would All Might do? Should I get Thirteen? He’ll know what to do! He is a pro-hero, after all! But she shouldn’t be left on her own...should I ask Ochako? I probably shouldn’t yell, she might have a headache from that fall. And I didn’t bring my phone! Ah!”

YN glanced up, and she had her breath taken away for the second time that day.

The boy before her (he was definitely a boy, she conceded) had huge green eyes and a smattering of freckles in perfect twin diamonds, but what astounded her the most was the mop of green hair. It looked perfectly natural, and even a little bit ungroomed, and it was increasingly surreal the more she looked at him. He was ridiculously pretty and seemed like he had stepped out of a movie.

“Excuse me,” She croaked. Her throat hurt, but she was confused above all.

“Ah!” The boy jumped again, striking a pose that seemed like an exaggerated surprise. “You can talk!”

“Where am I?” The more she glanced around, the less familiar it was, and the boy got out of the pose.

“You’re in Mustafu, ma’am.” He kneeled again. “Are you feeling alright?” He stuttered a bit on the ‘alright’, but seemed determined.

“For, uh,” YN glanced up, but the sinkhole was gone. “For falling, I think so.”

“Can you walk?” He held out a hand, and YN grabbed it. It had scars littered all over it, but it seemed quite soft.

She tested her weight and found that she was alright, for the most part. She nodded.

“I need to take you to some pro-heroes, so they can take care of you. Okay?” He tilted her head when she let out an undignified snort.

“Heroes?”

“Yeah,” He looked confused. “You know, like Thirteen, and Present Mic, and All…” He trailed off when YN’s brow furrowed further.

“What?”

“Oh no!” He looked shocked and guilty. “Maybe you hit your head and forgot!”

“Forgot-no, I didn’t forget-”

“Come on! We need to get you checked!”

He ushered her towards two figures and an ambulance, one of which looked like an over-inflated astronaut. Only then did YN realise that there was a huge crater in the ground, stemming from where the sinkhole was situated above. She blinked, perhaps stupidly, before pointing to it.

“Did I...do that?”

The boy glanced over and grinned sheepishly. “No, haha...that was me.”

YN paled. “You?”

“Yeah. It’s kind of a side effect of my quirk. I can’t control it too well. I’m getting better though!” He grinned cheerily, and YN paled.

“What?” She whimpered, but the boy didn’t hear her. He took her to the astronaut and a blonde man.

“Thirteen! This is the girl that fell! I think she has some memory problems…”

“Good job, Midoriya.” The astronaut turned to YN and took her spare hand. “Please, come with me. We’re gonna give you a check-up.”

YN choked on her words, glancing between the astronaut and the boy Midoriya, and then to the blonde man with the gravity-defying peaked hair and yellow sunglasses that wouldn’t stop grinning. The astronaut gently guided her to an older woman, letting the teen sputter the entire time.

“This is Recovery Girl,” He gestured. “She can take care of you, and see if you have any head injuries.”

He handed her over, and YN stared at the woman. She was most definitely not a girl and reminded her of her grandmother, but she looked matronly and had a pink and purple visor.

“Hello. Come, sit, sit!” She patted at the edge of the ambulance, and YN did as she was told. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw a massive medical needle and felt her heart leap up to her throat. Recovery Girl followed her line of sight and laughed.

“Don’t worry! That’s my cane! It matches my line of work, obviously.” She smiled, and YN felt a little less apprehensive.

“What?” YN murmured, biting her lip.

“Does anything hurt, my dear?” Recovery Girl began putting pressure on YN’s limbs, seeing if there was pain. “It doesn’t look like anything is broken, but it is a precaution to check.”

“My head…” YN felt like her skull was splitting from her fresh migraine. “It hurts.”

“Ah!” Recovery Girl leapt up, and YN had to admit, she was surprisingly spry and youthful. She went behind YN and gently placed her palms on her cranium. There was a feather-light touch, and the pain seeped away. Inexplicable sleepiness came over YN, and she felt her eyes begin to drop.

Her head nodded forward, and she fell asleep.

(Me, a full ass gamer w/ Xbox, Playstation, PC, and Switch: what r some,,,,,,,,vido gaem word)

#bnha x reader #my hero academia x reader #boku no hero academia x reader #izuku midoriya x reader #todoroki shouto x reader #bakugou katsuki x reader #ochako urakara x reader #iida tenya x reader #children are meant to be cradled not placed in wars #camtbcnpiw #camt

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astertataricvs · 5 years

Text

Sanemi Shinazugawa || Penitence Part 1

This is dedicated to my Lil sis who is a sucker for angst and Sanemi lol @kimetsu-no-yaiba-headcanons I Luv u, sis ❣❣

Word count: 3.4k+ words

Part 2

"(Name), I've got to go," Sanemi says as he started to grab his bag to go to his work from being a high school teacher at the school where you two have previously studied and where you first met.

"Oh, sure! Take care, love." You give him a peck on the lips and then Sanemi sighed afterwards.

"Yeah, see you," he bid his goodbye then stepped outside the apartment you both shared.

Once the door closed, your smile instantly faded and stared at the door with droopy eyes. You let out a despondent breath before treading towards the living room and plopped yourself on the couch.

It's been four months since Sanemi began to give you a cold shoulder and would frequently arrive home when you're already asleep. He doesn't even text you quite often just like what he habitually did before. He would invariably be the one apprising you where he was and he wouldn't pass an hour without responding to your texts. But now, he's not replying you anymore and would simply give you a cold answer that he's still busy working on his class' reports.

Formerly, when he's going to his work, he would uniformly be the one demanding you where his goodbye kiss was and would always take you out on dates during weekends.

Although Sanemi looks intimidating and looks like a thug because of his scars, he's actually the compassionate man despite that he's harsh and hotheaded.

Sanemi is the most winsome boyfriend you could ever ask for, he will sometimes purchase you things that you want and will surprise you due to the stuff he obtained for you. He would always hug you from the back while you were cooking and loves to cuddle with you on the bed when he's having a buffeting day. He will constantly tell you how much he loves you and he's so gratified that you're the one he asked for marriage. He doesn't regret accepting your confession from that fateful day and he's very much glorified for having you in his life.

When you two graduated from college and acquired a decent job, that's when Sanemi asked your hand for marriage and it seemed like your whole world froze upon hearing his words and felt like you're on cloud nine, because finally, the love of your life had proposed to you. Due to so much exaltation you're feeling, you cried for almost two hours and still can't believe that you're engaged with Sanemi. It feels so surreal and you just hugged him like your life depended on it.

Being together with Sanemi for almost eight years, you two decided to live together in an apartment complex. These years you've lived with him, you couldn't get any happier and you wanted to stay beside him until you grow up and create your own family.

You didn't know that the most joyous times with your fiancé... would come to an end.

You still remembered in the 4th April of spring were flowers and trees were beginning to bud and the snow had irrevocably rendered. You wouldn't disregard that day since that's the time where Sanemi started to change and he's coming home late rather than usual. Whenever he's coming back to your apartment, he would just tell you that he's worn out from work and he needs to do his paperwork of his students.

Moreover, he's not eating together with you whether it's breakfast or dinner either. He's not replying to your texts and whenever you want to cuddle with him, he would spontaneously avoid you and pry your hands away from him. You were inaugurating to become more anxious because of Sanemi's cold demeanour towards you. He wasn't like this before and he's the one who would always seek for your touches and kisses but now... he's not.

In your shared bedroom when you're going to sleep; Sanemi would just lay on the bed, not uttering a single word except saying goodnight. Even if you tried to hug him from behind, he wouldn't return your embrace and just let his back face to you and sleep.

You convinced yourself that this behaviour of Sanemi would disappear soon and your boyfriend that you loved would gradually come back to you again...

Or so you thought.

Days turn into weeks and weeks turn into months; Sanemi was still the same as ever, he's becoming more distant and you could have sworn you can smell a woman's fragrance emitting on him whenever he's coming back to your shared apartment.

You're not thick-skulled and feeble-minded not to quickly apprehend his sudden shift of behaviour towards you. You know that your fiancé of two years and boyfriend for straight six years was now falling out of love for you.

It literally breaks you by just thinking that. It shattered your heart into millions of pieces knowing the reality that Sanemi doesn't love you anymore just like before. You cried in anguish until you broke down in your office because you can't suppress the intolerable pain you've been hiding for months. Specifically, whenever you're trying to stare at the engagement ring he gave you from that happiest day he proposed to you, you couldn't restrain the tears to fall down on your cheeks and let yourself asphyxiate into the depths of despair.

You really miss Sanemi so much, you miss his cuddles, you miss his hugs, you miss his kisses, you miss how he showered you with his affections. You miss the Sanemi that you adored, you don't prefer the new Sanemi right now. You even prayed to the God's to bring back the man that you loved but, even if you bellowed and begged, Sanemi was still giving you the cold shoulders and the God's weren't granting your prayers either.

Then last month, you just discovered that your fiancé was having an affair with his co-worker. You spotted him with your own two eyes when you're walking back home and then you saw him on the congested streets holding a woman's hand that you haven't known and they were laughing without any care in the world. Moreover, what drastically triggered and broke you was when Sanemi kissed the woman on the lips, doesn't even afraid if anyone might saw them.

Beholding with your own two eyes how your man kissed the woman when he couldn't even give you a kiss or just a peck, you couldn't handle the tears to dribble down on your cheeks and heard a glass shattered in the back of your mind.

That's it, that's the last straw, you feel like your whole world crashed down and your vision becomes hazy as if the darkness was devouring your body.

You rapidly run away while eyes were shut. You do not care if you're colliding with anyone you come across to, you just wanted to run away and forget what you just saw and screech at the top of your lungs until you become aphasic. You feel like you wanted to die and just jump on the building so you wouldn't endure this agonising pain anymore and woke up from this horrible nightmare.

You just wanted to be dead.

Giyuu, your best friend knew about Sanemi having an affair with his co-worker, how unprofessional. You divulged it to him since you couldn't abstain the overwhelming pain that your fiancé had caused.

Giyuu was enraged when you talked about it to him, despite that he remained his composure, he was seriously indignant inside and wanted to punch Sanemi's face for cheating on you. Fortunately for Sanemi you suspended Giyuu from doing his plan on beating the shit out of Sanemi since he knows about your real condition and you don't want them to cause any more ruckus.

Your life is already in entropy are you still going to supplement more? Nope.

Giyuu only consoled you while you were crying in his arms, he doesn't know what to say to you. Does he need to comfort you through words? But knowing himself, he definitely sucks at comforting anyone and his communicative skills is a negative 100 percent. He's not great at speaking to other people whether if you're his friend or not, he's this reserved and timid man to even give you soothing speeches.

He merely stared at you with pity, he sympathizes you for enduring this kind of pain that you surely didn't deserve. Why did even Sanemi choose that woman rather than you who already have the attributes of a woman that any man could ever ask for.

Sanemi is an asshole and imbecilic for leaving you and for treating you like this.

"So what's your plan, (Name)?" Giyuu abruptly asked causing you to stop from crying and clasped your hands onto his shirt.

"I don't plan on telling him that I know he's cheating on me, Giyuu. I just wanted to stay the way it is now and... relish the moment I had with Sanemi until my very last breath."

Sanemi just got home and suddenly heard a clamouring sound in the kitchen. He hurriedly went inside and saw you sitting on the floor while your back was facing at him, the utensils were scattered and you were coughing fervently.

"What's going on here?" Your body tensed when you heard your boyfriend's voice.

Wiping your mouth, you gradually looked over your shoulder then bestow him a minuscule smile. "Nothing, I'm just being the clumsy girl again."

Sanemi's eyebrows bend and let out a huff. "You should tidy it up," he coldly stated then turned his heels to go to the bedroom to change his attire.

You were puzzled to why he came home early apprehending that your fiancé would regularly return at midnight. But nonetheless to say, a part of you was a bit happy since it's been a while you witnessed your husband coming home from his work.

But is it really his work?

Without further ado, you clean the mess up and afterwards, you started to cook dinner for the two of you. You heard the television being turned on and you can't help the smile pulling at your lips. It's sure has been a while since you feel the presence of Sanemi inside, although you're happy right now due to your husband is with you tonight, you still couldn't obliterate the truth that he's still giving you the cold shoulder and being distant.

In spite of Sanemi is just near to you, it feels like he's still so far and you couldn't reach him even if he's just a hand reach away.

He's so close yet so far.

An hour later, you called for Sanemi, indicating that your dinner is now ready. You heard light footsteps coming towards your direction and when your fiancé emerges from the door, you give him a constrained smile then took a seat. Sanemi also takes his seat across from you and started eating.

Silence envelops you both and the only noises you were hearing is the clamouring of your utensils. You only stared at Sanemi chewing his food quietly and didn't bother to chat with you about something even his work. He didn't even ask you how your day was and just remain muted.

Before, he was the one inaugurating a conversation and would always ask you regarding your day. But, that's your Sanemi before, the one across from you is the new Sanemi and not the Sanemi that you had fallen in love.

Sighing, you finished your food and started to take your plate and put it on the sink. Your fiancé merely watched you while silently eating.

"Just put the plates on the sink if you finished eating, I'll just wash it tomorrow. Goodnight." You kissed his cheeks and began to leave the kitchen.

Today is Sunday, Sanemi decided to stay in the house with you and watch some shows on the television while you were cleaning the house.

You were once again perplexed why he stayed during weekends when he was always going out to who knows where. He wasn't informing you where he was going but his only answer to you is that his colleagues and he were doing class' reports or his friends were inviting him to a party. You didn't ask him any further because you certainly trust your boyfriend, but that was before.

Now that you finished cleaning, you went inside the living room where Sanemi was and took a seat at the end of the couch, a meter away from your boyfriend. The two of you stayed soundless and just watched some random shows.

No words came out from your mouth and just let your eyes fixated on the television not bothering to look at Sanemi. You're already contented with your fiancé's attendance inside your apartment and just be appreciative to it. You surely do miss his presence so you don't want to make it any more cumbersome between you both and make him mad because of your multiple questions that were eddying in your head. Furthermore, you told Giyuu that you wanted to stay it this way and savour the moment with him.

"Are you done with cleaning?" He questioned while eyes were still on the television.

"Yes, why are you here anyway?" You asked back and you take a side glance to see Sanemi looking at you with arched eyebrows.

"What? Am I not allowed to stay in my own home?" He rolled his eyes and you elicit a chuckle.

"No, it's just... it's unusual for you to stay since you're always going out during weekends." You quietly answered while looking down and fumbling your fingers.

"I don't have any plans for today so I didn't bother going out."

Sanemi resumed from watching and you gazed at him with lips slightly parted. You only studied your boyfriend's features and engrave it into your mind. It's been a long time since you looked closely at Sanemi's handsome face and you just remembered that he has scars plastered on his visage. You totally forgot that he has because he was habitually out every day and would come home when you're already asleep, also, he would eventually go to his work when you just woke up.

That's why it's really been a long time since you gaze at his face and remembered what he really looked like. Your heart instantly palpitated inside your chest and feel the tears brimming in your eyes.

You really missed Sanemi so much that it hurts.

"What are you staring at?" Sanemi interrupted you from your deep thoughts and blink upon hearing his baritone voice. "The hell are you crying for?"

Your boyfriend looked at you with irritation as he saw the droplets of tears trickling over your cheeks. Feeling the cold water trailing down your face, you immediately wiped the tears away and sniffed to restrict yourself from breaking down.

You don't want to cry anymore even if it hurts. You already admitted the reality that Sanemi will not come back and he already found someone else that he loves. It's already over between you two but... why is he still staying with you when he doesn't love you anymore?

"A-Ah... nothing! I-I just missed you is all..." you sputtered and remain collected even if you wanted to cry at the top of your lungs and tackle him with a hug and will never let go.

Sanemi didn't respond at your answer and only looked at you with a grimace before diverting his gaze at the television.

Crack.

'Why weren't you wiping away the tears even if you already saw me crying, Sanemi? Weren't you always the one doing it and hug me until I fall asleep?' You thought.

"Hey, Sanemi," you called.

"What is it now, (Name)?" He groaned in annoyance and darted his eyes at you.

"Can I sleep on your lap?" You asked timidly and your fiancé raised his eyebrows.

"No," his blunt answer which causes your heart to drop and eyes droop dejectedly.

"Just this once please?" You begged. You hope that Sanemi will let you sleep on his lap even if he doesn't want to. You just wanted to do the things you did before when he still loves you back.

"Damn it! Do whatever you want!" He scowled to which your eyes glimmered in hope and slowly crawl on the couch then lay your head on his lap.

Sanemi didn't speak after that and you solely stared at him longingly from your position. You missed his warmth and you missed the closeness you both have in the past. It seems like you're back from the day when you were still happy with him, however... the love for one another had already vanished.

That's the unrelenting reality.

"Hey, Sanemi," you called again, earning a grunt from him.

"What now?" A couple of minutes of silence, you mustered up your courage to ask him.

"Why are you still staying with me?"

Sanemi's body immediately stiffens and hastily glanced at you who's laying on his lap. He stared at you with broad eyes while you only looked at him with tenderness. The same tenderness he saw every day and now that he's being distant to you, he can still vividly see it as if nothing happened between you two.

'Why are you still giving me that look, (Name)?'

"What the hell are you saying?" He spat and leans his back on the backrest. "I don't want to answer your ridiculous question, (Name). If you wanted to sleep then sleep or I'll leave you here in the living room."

You averted your gaze from him and shift your position by facing your back at him. Closing your eyes, you inhaled a handful of oxygen and let the tears flow down freely.

You feel so broken right now, his words really sting.

"Just forget about it," you say and yet again you closed your eyes, feeling afflicted.

The following day, you and Sanemi ate your breakfast together and after minutes of a discommodious atmosphere and preparing yourselves, Sanemi stood up from his seat and was already at the doorstep, ready to leave ー but before he can hold the doorknob, you called his name and give him his lunch box.

"Here, you should bring this to you," you beamed and handed him the lunch box that he hasn't brought for months after he started being distant to you and seeing another woman.

"Thanks," he deadpanned and grabbed the lunch box before putting it inside his back.

"Hey, Sanemi."

"What?" He scowled while fixing his necktie.

"I love you, Sanemi," you sweetly said, bestowing him your bright smile. Sanemi just stared at you before extorting a sigh.

"Yeah, I'm going to leave now."

"Before you leave, can I ask you a favour?" You inquired which causes the white-haired boy to glance at you with uncertainty.

It's been a long time since you asked for his favour after years of being together.

"What is it? Hurry up, I'm going to be late," he simply stated. You bashfully averted your eyes and fiddle your fingers.

"Can you... Can you hug me and say to me that you love me one last time?" You inaudibly said but Sanemi heard you perfectly.

"That's all?" You nodded your head.

Sanemi placed his bag down and face you. You two stared into each other's eyes and gradually, you feel his arms wrapped around you and pulled you into his chest. The warmth that you've been craving and the hold of the man that you'll ever love, you will never overlook how you fit perfectly in his arms.

You inhaled the manly scent of your fiancé and you feel so happy and contented right now, you couldn't ask for more, now that you feel the arms of Sanemi around you once again.

"I love you, (Name)..." he mumbles.

Hearing him say it one last time, the tears started to build in your eyes and closed it, relishing this moment with him that you'll definitely cherish.

After half a minute, Sanemi pushed you back and began to pick his bag.

"I'm leaving," he informs to which you only nodded your head.

"Take care, love and goodbye Sanemi," you earnestly say then flash him a warm smile. Your boyfriend merely stared at you then nodded in acknowledgement.

"Bye."

-----

Part 2

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owlfly · 5 years

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hi, I’m nicky.

I’ve always loved writing and recently have become much more focused on it. I haven’t been writing consistently for a very long time, so please bear with me through my beginner mistakes (as well as my newness to tumblr, which I truly do not understand at all). the writeblr community seems like a very welcoming place, and I’ve enjoyed learning about others’ work as I’ve perused through the tag, so I figured I’d give it a shot.

before we continue, a little more about me. I go by any pronouns (he/him, she/her, they/them), so you can pick whichever ones you would like, I promise I do not have a preference. also, I’m a taurus, if that’s important, and I am notoriously bad at titling things. I’ll be using this blog to post updates and such about my wips, connect with other writers, and just generally have a good time (I mean, that’s the hope).

about my writing in general: my characters are the most important part of every project I write, and I’m currently trying to learn how to write stories that are more character-driven because those are always very interesting to me. I love writing about settings that feel somewhat surreal and distant from society, and I am a sucker for beautiful prose and imagery. also all of my current work is young adult fiction. although I would like to branch out at some point, these are just the ideas I feel the most connected to right now.

I only have a few work in progresses, and I plan to make separate posts about them soon. one is a contemporary fantasy about a small town (yes, basic) that includes a lake, a boarding school, dark entities, bad decisions, and too many insects. my other main work in progress is a contemporary novel about three girls and the wintertime. I write short stories now and then, but I would like to write them more consistently as they are very enjoyable to work on.

as I am very new to the writeblr community, I would love to find new blogs to follow. although I only write in a few genres, I love any kind of fiction work. also I am always open to reading drafts and giving feedback.

if you’ve stuck through all of my rambling, then thank you.

if you want to, then you can reblog this, leave a comment, reach out to me, or etc. so that I can find some new people in the community.

thank you again for your time,

- nicky

#writeblr #writeblr intro #new writeblr #writeblr introduction #writing #writer #new writer

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sealers100 · 4 years

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A (brief) review of every Donald Sutherland movie (so far)

I’m not coping well with quarantine at all and no one else seems to be either (which makes me feel a bit better) So what started out of boredom back over christmas break has turned into a quest to find and watch every Donald Sutherland movie ever. Probably not my best idea since a lot of them are very old and hard to find and would need to be bought online (which isn't an option right now.) Don’t ask me why, this kinda just happened and I’m not gonna fight it. So stick around for an unprofessional review of a very professional actor’s long film career.

(if anyone has any suggestions or knows where to find more hmu)

M*A*S*H*

Ah talk about a movie that didn’t age well (but neither did Holiday Inn and we still watch that) I’m not here to bash on it for being problematic because apart from the way they treated Houlihan, I genuinely loved this movie. It had be rolling the whole time just like the show and I still catch myself whistling like Hawkeye all the time. Probably still like the show better and Alan Alda’s Hawkeye (sorry Donald) but its definitely been a go to when I’m having a rough day.

Kelly’s Heroes

I think this was the first movie of his I ever saw as a little girl and I remember being very confused. (since it didn’t match my dad’s military stories at all) so this ended up being the first one I went out of my way to hunt down and watch and sorry to Clint Eastwood but Donald stole this movie from literally everyone. He’s hilarious, he’s sexy, he steals the show and it’s definitely one of his more underrated movies (the movie itself is a bit long) which is a damn shame since he (literally) died filming this one. (if you don’t know the story, look it up its wild)

Alex in Wonderland

Wow, who knew he could be such a convincing asshole! At least he becomes aware of it by the end of the film but I just felt so lost by the end. Like ,what did I watch, what happens now? Not one of my favorites but definitely interesting and a sure product of the early 70s. Overall, he does have a lot of good scene (a scene with THE Federico Fellini) that are sometimes light-hearted, dumb, cute, irritating, and just...what? The relationship between him, his wife, and children is probably the only redeeming factor since its pretty accurate for how his actions strain his relationships. I am gonna be honest though, I only watched this one to see him as a long haired hippie 😂 (sorry).

Klute

Leave it to Jane Fonda to remind me why I’m bisexual (I wish she wasn’t always a prostitute) Although there was a lot more of her and a lot less of him, even though he is John Klute. I am an absolute sucker for those old black and white noir movies and this is no different. It leaves some feelings to be desired at times (Donald apparently felt the same way) but you can really tell there’s a fascinating chemistry between him and Jane (because there actually was) Overall the story was entertaining but the character’s themselves seemed somewhat drab. I wish we got to know more about them and had more scenes with more emotion apart from just the sex and love scenes. Oh well, it was still a pretty damn good movie and I’d definitely watch it again if I got the chance.

Lady Ice

Basically Magnum before Magnum was even a thing. Now just because a movie is bad doesn’t mean it can’t be entertaining. I love the whole Miami Vice vibe I get from this and again, huge fan of private investigators, detectives and dirty schemes. His acting might not be exemplary but I don’t even care. The movie is fun and not every movie has to be deep and meaningful. Nothing wrong with just watching a movie for the hell of it. And that moustache, it’s my kryptonite. 😆

Don’t Look Now

If you haven’t seen this movie, stop reading my bs and go watch it right now. (its free on crackle) This is such a good movie I could make a whole post on it alone. Donald and Julie Christie (I’m still not over her either) put so much into every scene, giving us such a beautiful relationship that’s been fraught with tragedy. Every scene is beautiful and eerie and enchanting Iloveitsomuch!!! I don’t wanna spoil too much because the ending turns everything on its head. I’m not sure if this is meant to be a horror movie but it really walks that uncanny valley with the whole setting of Venice in it’s off season, the dark corridors, creepy premonitions. I will spoil this, I love how for once, the man is the psychic instead of the woman, which is a trope that waaaaaay over done. AND THE SCANDAL! Okay sex scenes in movie isn't exactly scandalous but this one was surprisingly realistic (no they didn’t actually have sex) so everyone in the 70s pitched a hissy fit over it and I can’t understand why. It’s by far the most realistic and beautiful sex scene I’ve ever watch, hats off to Donald and Julie. God Bless Nicholas Roeg for this masterpiece, aaaaahhh just go watch it its so good!

Fellini’s Casanova

Alright but bear with me on this. I think I had a religious experience while watching this movie. I was overly exhausted and had my eye on it for a while said ‘fuck it let’s watch something weird.’ This what actually started by quarantine marathon (how appropriate) and I can safely say, I think this is the most beautiful, most grotesque, most enchantingly beautiful and yet dark and bizarre movies I’ve ever seen. Donald makes such a convincing 18t century venetian lover and they really went all out with his appearance, acting and the scenery of the whole movie. Everyone in the film seems to genuinely enjoyed everything they’re doing (which says a lot they do some crazy shit in this one) and the whole time, everything is erriley whimsical, almost like a fever dream (which is what this film might have been I dunno). And the fact it spans the entirety of Casanova’s life, from his highest point to his absolute lowest decent into squalor just proves that Fellini holds nothing back AT ALL. Again, no spoilers (I don’t really think I can spoil this film) but there’s just copious amounts of sex and its just plain strange but if you find it in your heart to give it a try, please do. If you’re not sure about it that’s fine definitely not for everyone. However I highly recommend Fellini’s other works. (go watch La Strada)

Invasion of the Bodysnatchers

Hahaha oh man I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen this movie. My friends and I in college had a horror movie night and this one seriously freaked out my roommate (i’m so sorry). I love me some sci-fi (I run a star trek blog) and this not only gave me lots of Donald but also Leonard Nimoy, (along with a very young Jeff Goldblum) so yes, this is now one of my favorite sci-fi movies (I did a film analysis on it too). I don’t recommend watching it in quarantine unless you’re into freaking yourself about a global pandemic. I will say, this movie is an anomaly since I think it might be the only movie that is not only better than its remake, but also better than the book (which I also read) This one gives us Donald (and his moustache) playing of all things, a health inspector (I’m dying) whos put into some creepy scenarios of apocalyptic proportions. This is one of those horror movies that’s fun without being funny. It’s got plenty of drama and awkwardness between to characters while also reaching it’s cult classic status. All the actors in this film manage to give such a convincing performance that you can’t help but feel like you’re right there with the characters, which makes for a fun and terrifying ride. 10/10 would scare my roommate again.

The Great Train Robbery

Donald Sutherland AND Sean Connery? Sounds like a great pair right? Well they are, sort of. Okay this movie looks like a typical british drama, buuuuut I’m not so sure about this one. Donald is pretty great in this one and so is Sean, but I’m just very confused if it’s trying to be serious or funny? The plot itself makes sense and its pretty good but the execution is just...what? Oh well, Donald and Sean make an entertaining pair with their odd “train heist” I felt this movie would have done much better if it went for either one side or the other instead of jumping all over the place, and it played out much more like a soap opera. It’s not bad though but its not a favorite of mine.

Bear Island

Okay I’ve been pretty nice so far, but this...the only real redeeming part of this movie is Donald and his beard. Which is such a shame because I feel like this could have been SUCH a good movie. The story itself is really good and enthralling but somebody somewhere dropped the ball. No, they didn’t drop it. They threw it off a cliff. Nothing about this movie makes sense, most everyone’s acting is subpar, and I don’t blame them because the script was probably the main offender of this film. Even Donald’s acting is uncharacteristically bad. I know shoot me, criticized his acting. It’s just so strange to see what could have easily been a fantastic film. Someone send this to Philip Kaufman and ask for a remake because this one needs it.

Ordinary People

Oh God, this movie. This movie means so much to me. Again, watched it with my roommate, we sobbed like children and its now a must see in our group. The fact that Donald wasn’t even nominated for an oscar for this film is a travesty. A story like this is something that in a way I’ve lived myself. Everyone’s acting in this film is superb and as someone who would know, yes, all of this is very really and very heart wrenching to watch. I don’t mean to get sappy or anything, but I have been Calvin Jarrett, I (and I’m sure others) have been that mediator who eventually is broken by the two fighting forces. Watching his eventual collapse is so surreal and wow this movie really broke me in some spots. Uhg god this movie, I wanna cry just thinking about it. I’d totally watch it but I’ll just spend the whole time wanting to hug him.

Eye of the Needle

If any of you know me personally, you’ll know I’m absolutely terrified of needles, so this might not have been the best movie for me to watch, but I had no idea what I was getting myself into. This whole movie is actually pretty fantastic. For once, Donald plays a bad guy, but you can almost root for him (if he wasn’t a nazi) I felt so conflicted because while yes I wanted him to take her away from her horrible husband, hes a damn dirty Nazi, and we don’t stan. Of course, Donald’s character is extremely charming but I’m left wondering if his character really did have feelings for Kate Nelligan. I have a feeling that I could really run with this story. This one is a thrilling story with a thick plot that tears its characters apart. I can’t help but love it.

Crackers

Fight me, I thought it was funny. Not really but this is one of those “entertaining but not really good” movies. Donald’s character is...well, he reminds me a lot of most of my exes. He’s just down on his luck, he’s not a bad guy. Yeah that sums up how I feel about his character. However, the movie overall is pretty damn funny. At least it knows it’s a comedy and it even has a sweet(ish) ending. I will say its not great, but there is a good scene with Donald falling flat on his ass which was so worth the whole rest of the movie. This one is still on my quarantine go to for when I just wanna forget about life for a while.

Rosary Murders

So this little gem I kinda just watched on a whim thinking it would be some campy horror movie that was very pro-catholic and woooweee was I wrong. I loved this movie so much I ended up watching it twice, two nights in a row. It really was a thrilling movie with a plot thicker than pea soup, all while throwing some (slight) shade at the catholic church. This movie goes less for the horror side of things and more for the shock and drama and it does it well. Not to mention he makes one hell of a cute priest. I loved the hell out of this one and I’m glad i decided on this one the other night. I might even watch it again who knows.

Pride and Prejudice

Everyone in this movie is neurotic as hell except for Donald Sutherland and Keira Knightly. Sorry I was never a huge Jane Austen fan but I admire her ability to write hell of a good slow burn and that exactly what this is. Hell most of you know what this movie is about so I’m not gonna talk about it too much. Its one of those movies everyone else seems to have seen and I haven’t so mom and I sat down and watched it together. She just laughed as I sat there yelling at the TV, waiting for an exasperated Donald to come on. His final scene though, so sweet. I did like how the movie showed a father daughter relationship that wasn’t toxic (not like the last one) but I was kinda over the whole song and dance after a while. I’m sure most people think its a really good movie but I just don’t get it.

The Hunger Games (All of them)

As I understand it, this movie actually means a lot to Donald, as it does to a lot of people, and that he really enjoyed working with Jennifer Lawrence, so that’s nice. Yes I’ve seen all three (four) movies, read all the books and I couldn’t think of anyone else to better play Katniss Everdeen’s antithesis than someone like Donald. I feel like this is one of those roles that was just made for him. He was such a scary and venomous villain that played so well off of the main protagonist. Uhg I really do love the Hunger Games Series, it was a huge part of my childhood, I just hate how the fans destroy people who love the main villain, like many fandoms do (looking at you star trek). I wish I could just enjoy these movies in peace without everyone being so polarized on them.

Oh wow there’s definitely gonna be a part two but as of now, this is all I got. I’ve got a long way to go and (with the way things are looking here in the U.S.) I’ve got plenty of time to do so. I really do enjoy doing these kinds of things so if you want me to watch and ramble about any other movies (no, it doesn’t have to have Donald Sutherland) I’m gonna be in quarantine for a while, so let’s at least do something fun to pass the time. 😊

#Donald Sutherland #this brings me joy #Im gonna laugh if I actually watch all his movies #mash #hunger games #pride and prejudice #ordinary people #I'm not gonna tag every movie wed be here all day

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likesomekindofcheese · 5 years

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The Knight of Hallow’s Eve (A Knight!Gwylim Lee Oneshot)

Pairing: Knight! Gwylim Lee x fem! Reader

Word Count: 6,000 (wahoo)

Get ready for some fluuuffff!

Warnings: A mention of sex feat. a creeper, witches, a bit of violence, mentions of violence, Halloween magic, a DND reference, and good ol’ fashioned Urban Fantasy.

Prompts: #10 - “Nope, I’m not scared. Not at all” and #45: “I hate the woods…especially at midnight on flippin’ Halloween! How did we get so lost?”

A/N: This is my oneshot for @forever-rogue‘s 2019 Halloween Challenge! I wanted to get a little more creative this time around. I hope it’s Halloweeny enough for all of your tastes. I hope you guys all enjoy it! (Also tagging @jimmypagesandbrianmayshair, here you go! Knight! Gwilym on the house!)

“I’ll take your dare; I’m heading to the woods,” you said.

Your darer, Carl, smirks with slight disappointment. Alcohol mixed with truth or dare on a Halloween’s night get together made him bold. His leering at you made the chocolates in your stomach flip over.

For your dare, you were given two choices-you had chosen heading to the woods over stripping for him. You’d take anything over that.

Your friend, Erin, runs over to get your arm.

“You can’t! You know that’s where that killer’s been lurking! You’ve seen the news!” she begs. Her black eyeliner is smudged with worried tears.

“I’ll be back in ten minutes. I won’t run into any killer. Set a timer.” You suggest.

You know what the alternative is and so does she.

Erin shoves her purple manicured hand into her black corset. From it, she retrieves a necklace with a simple, dark blue stone.

“Here, take this. For protection” she offers.

You accept it. You know she has always been obsessed with the magical, claiming to be a witch (“but…I’m a different witch…it’s complicated, Y/N!”) and you could accept any possible good luck to get through these next ten minutes. Kindness from her was always a blessing itself, superstition or not.

I can handle this you think.

Crickets chirruped quietly. The trees make the air clean along with the crispness of the breeze. You peek back behind you. You see the back-porch lights of Erin’s house and their faint chatter of what truth to give the next sucker in your group.

An owl swoops over your head. You turn around to look for it, but you only see a faint silhouette and hear its wings flutter away.

You turn your head back to the house. The porch lights are gone.

You take ten steps closer to the house. Besides, if you are still in the woods and can still see them, it still counts as being in the woods. Dare accomplished.

There is no house.

You keep walking, trying to convince yourself that you misjudged your steps. Another turn, and there it will be. Progressing slowly, the night is getting darker and the moon is bobbling in its slow line above.

Trees and darkness is all there is.

You tried to remember what the back of the house looked like. A sign. Anything. But your brain has blanked in panic. You keep walking, almost running, trying to see anything in the darkness.

Reaching down into the pocket of your jacket, you feel the necklace. It’s suddenly hot. Surprised, you take it out and to your shock, it’s glowing light blue. Squinting from the darkness, you see a tree a few feet from you has started glowing bright blue too.

Getting closer, it becomes more beautiful and surreal. It’s a tall willow tree with light blue leaves that seem to swirl as they rustle with the wind. Your eyes blink to make sure it’s real. You have never heard of glowing trees anywhere!

You let the amulet rest on your palm. Suddenly, it floats above your hand. You scream a little in surprise. It’s too heavy for the wind. You feel your head spinning.

A bright beam of light blue light, matching that of the leaves of the tree shoots forth until it meets the dark wood- making a large black hole.

“AAAAGGGGGHHHHHHHH!!!!!!”

Clunk!

A form falls through the hole and lands facedown into the leaf-ridden ground. The colors melt from light-blue to a musty red. Though it is night, there is enough light that one might think it was the early evening.

“Are you alright?” you ask, shell shocked.

“I…hope I am” he answers.

He starts to groan and get up. Two things strike you: first, not only is he incredibly tall with dark brown hair and the most astonishingly blue eyes you have ever seen, but even more so his clothes.

He is wearing a full plate of shining armor.

This is nothing like the plastic knight armor you see in costume shops. It thuds with heaviness and its silver sheen makes him bright amongst the redness. There is a bit of rust and dirt, here and there. But the edges and quality you know would make any cosplayer or costume designer drool.

How rich would someone have to be to buy a full plate of armor that good for only one night?

“Who is that?” The man pecks his head up. You step back a little. He’s a handsome man with high cheekbones, soft lips, and eyes the color of the sky.

He starts to pull his arms down to get up. “I…I’m alright, I think. But may I ask, where am I?”

You tell him the name of the city you live in.

He arches his eyebrows. “What kind of kingdom is that? Do you have a ruler?”

You tilt your head.

“No…uhm…we don’t. Look, are you a part of a live Dungeons and Dragons campaign?”

“I have no campaign; other than slaying monsters I’ve been sworn to slay and protecting the innocent. I made a vow to the king of my land after the dragon attack” he says.

He sounds genuine.

“Well…wherever you are, you must be far from home.”

“As a knight, I must go where I am called to. You see, the good witches gave me this…” he begins.

From beneath the breastplate of his armor, he reveals an amulet identical to yours. You stop breathing until you must take in a sharp inhale.

“The good witches of my kingdom tell me that if help is truly needed, then the amulet will lead me there. I am on a quest to fight the black rider. I have asked the amulet where the black rider is-what I must do, and if someone is in need or in danger. And it glowed to this tree…and now I am here.” He confesses. He straightens his back in a bit of pride.

“Well, uh…let’s make this simple. You see…this stuff isn’t normal where I’m from but, I could use some help. My name is Y/N. Y/N L/N.” you inform.

“I am Sir Gwilym of the Lee house, my lady.” He replies, with a short bow. He grins and stands erect as if saying he won a championship.

“I…I guess you could say I’m not…not a real lady” you stutter, gathering what knowledge you gained from Fantasy books and period dramas. Anything to help him.

“I’m just a humble peasant, according to your world.” You add, turning pink.

“Yet every woman, peasant or none, is a lady and deserves protection when needed. And if no one else will protect and assist them, then I must, my lady.” He responds with a shrug.

Smiling toothily, you remind him “I have a name, it’s Y/N.”

“Lady Y/N then!” he finishes raising his arms a little.

The wind picks up speed a little and it feels like a bony finger brushing your necks. Gwil’s armor shivers a little, despite its thickness.

“Lady Y/N, I have been riding and searching for two days. I haven’t rest and ate only grass. Do you know of shelter?” he questions. The dark circles under his eyes and slight weakness in his steps are more obvious.

“Yes. There’s a house somewhere around here…I just have trouble remembering where. I had to go out here and I got lost.” You recall. You start clutching and fiddling with the amulet in your pocket.

“May I accompany you? For your safety?” he asks.

“Sure.”

He takes a branch from the tree full of red and orange leaves. Gwilym notices how your jaw drops a little at the sight of them.

“Trees like these may light our way. They’ve aided me many a time” he explains.

“Ours don’t glow here. They bloom green when it’s warm. And some have flowers. Normal stuff” you explain.

“Ah! That is its own set of magic.”

You walk together for a bit. He lumbers across and you must scurry to keep his pace. His armor clanks a little mixing with the crunch of leaves beneath your feet. Walking alone in the dark with a knight as kind (and handsome, you confess silently) as Gwilym you feel your heart pick up the pace. You distract yourself by looking around for a path or sign of the house. There’s still nothing.

“I hate the woods…especially at midnight, on flippin’ Halloween! How did we get so lost?” you whine.

“We could find the tree and turn around” Gwilym suggests. He waves the branch in the other direction.

But when you try that strategy, the tree is nowhere to be seen. You begin wandering together hoping for any sign of human life. After a few minutes in silence, curiosity strikes you.

“Sir Gwilym, uhm…why have you been traveling in the woods?” you ask.

Gwilym grits his teeth. “There is a foe I have sworn to defeat. A foe that has been preying on the children and maidens of my kingdom and some say of neighboring ones. He has been spotted in these very woods. I must find him and bring him to justice” he says.

You nod. You admire his profile from the glow of the magic leaves.

“That’s very brave of you.” You laud. You can smell the cold air in your throat.

“Especially…since I have a little niece” he sighed. His face tightened. Did knights normally speak of their loved ones? Were they permitted?

“She is so dear to me. If anything were to happen to her, I would never…” he stopped himself.

He grew pale with fear of what could happen. You give him a hopeful smile, touching his arm feels too bold.

“You’ll find your foe.” You assure to him, looking up into his eyes, softly.

“Your niece will be …”

You are interrupted by a horse whinny and the clutter of hooves.

“Looks like you’re right” Gwilym stammers.

Before you stands a huge knight on a white Clydesdale horse, both in full black armor with faint red stains. Blood and dirt reek from them.

You freeze, unsure what to do. Gwilym leaps in front of you, blocking you, and unleashes a gleaming sword from his hilt. But the Knight’s shield, twice the size of your body, smacks him across the jaw and knocks him to the ground. Gwylim’s sword falls to the side with a clatter.

“Gwilym!” you cry impulsively.

The knight turns his head and looks at you. He lifts his visor to reveal big, yellow eyes like that of a piranha. You rush and grab the sword, aiming the hilt at him and circling around Gwilym.

The knight hops off the horse and approaches you, sword in hand aimed at your heart.

“Be scared, little girl” he booms.

“Nope. I’m not scared. Not at all” you half-lie. Anything to stop your shaking grip.

You charge and stab him in the breast quickly. His frightened horse dashes away. The black rider falls to the grass. Black leaves replace his plates of armor until they drift away into eternity.

You run over and lend Gwilym your hand to help him up. He looks up at you in amazement.

In the distance, you hear your friends calling out your name. You can make out the distant lights of flashlights.

Gwilym breaks the silence saying, “Lady Y/N…thank you.”

He kisses your hand devotedly. His lips were so soft that it was not stopping your adrenaline from the fight.

He asks for the sword and you hand it to him. Gwyilm kneels on one knee. His two large hands holding onto the hilt while the sword digs lightly into the ground. He lowers his head.

“I am ever in your debt…though I am not sure yet how I may return home. But I swear, even after I return, you are ever my lady and should you need me, I will always be in your service” he promises.

39 notes · View notes

comicteaparty · 5 years

Text

November 13th-November 19th, 2019 Reader Favorites Archive

The archive for the Reader Favorites chat that occurred from November 13th, 2019 to November 19th, 2019. The chat focused on the following question:

When reading a new webcomic for the first time, what qualities are more likely to turn you into a long-term fan?

carcarchu

Definitely creativeness and how unique the overall concept is. If i think i can pretty much guess how the story is going to play out I'm less inclined to stick around and tune in every week (though i might queue up a bunch of chapters and binge it if i still like it enough). If a story keeps me on my toes and there's cliffhangers every chapter it makes me want to come back every week to find out what's going to happen next and that consistency makes me want to stay until the very end. Also i tend to read mostly romances so if i really like the ship that the comic is pushing i'm much more likely to keep reading it

Cronaj

For me, it's character development. While the art style or plot concept might draw me to read a comic initially, it is the characters that make me stay. If I feel like the characters have realistic enough motives or emotional journeys, I start to see them as real people. I cry with them, laugh with them, and mourn with them.

Batichi

I need to get a good idea of the 'hook' in the first 20 or so pages. I really need to know if the comic itself knows what it wants to do before it's really started. It can be through set up or character intros or world building like Chirault http://chirault.sevensmith.net/, or even a good random encounter like in Ghost Junk http://ghostjunksickness.com/ to get me into the action really fast, or starting In Media Res like O Sarilho http://sarilho.net/en/ . I need to know the creator knows where the story is going in some capacity or I'm worried the comic will quickly stagger into a hiatus. Technical parts can still be a bit wonky as I know from experience most creators need some practice, but I still need an idea they're getting to (without having to read the about page)

Most comics I've read that kept me going always seem to have really well thought out starting points that continue all the way till the end.

keii4ii

I look at how the narrative treats lawful characters. I usually have a hard time relating to chaotics, regardless of how well they're written (I may come to care about a chaotic character, but I'm gonna need something else to keep me reading until that happens). If the narrative portrays lawfuls as interesting and worthy of attention, and gives them compelling arcs that let them shine, yeah, that's probably my jam! Related to above though not the same: I love it when slow, quiet moments are given importance and handled well. (Related since quiet and lawful overlap?) Not just downtime so people can catch their emotional breath before the next set of busy scenes... but important enough to be seen as the focus of their own, if not of the story! This should show quite clearly in my own comic if I'm doing my job right...

keii4ii

Sombulus (http://sombulus.com/) by @Delphina is a notable example of treating lawful characters with respect, even though the comic as a whole has this wacky chaotic fun vibe. When I was first making my way through the archive, I greatly enjoyed the first adventure with townspeople turning into literal walking fruits, bread, etc. But then the trio went to talk to Tenge, and I was relieved that the narrative didn't "side with" the chaotic, irresponsible (though still 100% lovable -- I love you too, Astyr!!) main character. The comic managed to portray Tenge as being uptight without feeling unfair to me, a lawful. That is SO rare to see! (Sombulus as a whole does a great job at treating characters from the entire lawful-chaotic spectrum with both fairness and fondness. It is one of my favorite things about the comic. )

Delphina

(I saw I got pinged so I scrolled up to see what the question was, but I went too far and I thought you were saying Tenge was your favorite magical boy and I was dyiinnnggg @keii4ii )

keii4ii

(Tenge is totally my favorite magical boy too, now that you put it that way )

Delphina

Thank you! And thanks for the compliment on the lawful/chaotic dichotomy. Balancing how those kinds of personalities work together and how they're both strong in their own ways is really fun for me, and I'm glad it's showing in Sombulus!

DanitheCarutor

What can keep me reading depends on the comic. The hook can either be character interaction, the character's themselves, the setting, or the plot. With characters, how the they handle themselves and one another, how they think, how they talk, how they walk, how they DaNCe, how TheY LOVE! Lmao! But nah, I'm really big into character details, which individualizing characters to the extent that I like is rare in comics so I settle for standard stuff. As long as I can distinguish them, and they're interesting, I'm chill. Setting? A super fun thing for me, I love it when creators go batshit with their setting lore and world building. Of course even when the setting just pure aesthetic, when it comes to it being the hook for me as long as it's weird and crazy, something a little fantastical or cosmic I'm digging it! Plot. This is the one I least care about... as weird as that sounds. The story can be an insane mess as long as it's a fun and enjoyable mess, but when story does hook me it is usually an interesting, super intriguing take on a preused concept either with the use of visuals or writing. (Which every concept has been used, originality is technically dead) Some examples are: The Prometheite https://tapas.io/series/Prometheite - A sad Frankenstein story about a woman losing her partner to a fatal illness. Hookteeth https://tapas.io/series/Hookteeth - A lovecraftian/cosmic horror romance with merfolk. (Not much to say about this one, Lovecraftian stories in themselves are weird and awesome imo.) SUPERPOSE https://tapas.io/series/SUPERPOSE - A sci-fi comic heavy on character interaction, and looks to be something other than the usual in space, on a different planet, or a story where the sci-fi is just a setting. (To be honestly, I'm mostly into how the story is presented visually. It feels very theatrical.)

Sometimes I stick with a comic purely for the aesthetics, I'm a sucker for eye candy. LIke Seluda https://tapas.io/series/seluda - A normal-ass high school story, but the visual presentation is SOmething else! Very 60's-70's drug trip, the style of speech used by the MC is very surreal, if not a little long winded at times. I would chalk my interest in this comic up to characters and art, but mostly art.

keii4ii

Related: Astyr supplying the non-sequitur lines to keep that one machine going was also a favorite moment of mine. This is probably just me but I found it genuinely heartwarming to see him able to contribute simply by being his chaotic self, even without his magic. @Delphina

FeatherNotes

Honestly character design and a memorable interaction are easy hooks for me. I do like a good investment in world building however, it really helps for easy immersion and definitely makes it more enjoyable to read! The moment I see a creator indulge in some good backgrounds and lore, I'm pretty much sold! Phantomarine and o sarilho are really good examples of all those things http://www.phantomarine.com/ https://sarilho.net/en/

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I read a really wide variety of comics. I’m not sure I can pinpoint exactly what trait it is that hooks me, besides just ‘good writing’. I like comics that have believable, relatable characters, well thought-out plots, and good character development. I’m immediately turned away by heavy reliance on tropes, stale, cookie-cutter characters, or achingly slow progression. If it’s well written and well-paced, there’s a good chance I’ll stick around and keep reading. Also, a bit opposite of what Keiii was saying above- I love a good rogue. The better the chaotic character, the more likely I am to be drawn in. I love stories that explore the moral grey area, that have villains with good redemption arcs, and have heroes that are deeply flawed but grow and learn. If the hero is always 100% on the good side and the villain is always 100% on the bad side, I’m more likely to lose interest.(edited)

FeatherNotes

Ohh yes agreed on that

keii4ii

@Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios) I believe we may be looking at two sides of the same coin! I wouldn't be interested in reading about the Honorable and Immaculate Lawful Heroes Against The Forever Evil Baddies, either. Greyness -- or to describe it differently, "stories not picking a side" -- is something I like seeing as well, just through a more lawful lens. Back to the Sombulus example, it's one thing to portray a noble lawful hero. But Tenge was portrayed as being uptight, without making it feel like a jab at lawful readers. He has room for growth, but so does everyone else in the story. Reading Sombulus I feel like he can learn to become a happier person without becoming someone else. Lawful doesn't mean perfect nor boring, and that's something I really appreciate seeing.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

That’s very true! I like when lawful characters aren’t perfect, though I gravitate more towards chaos, lol.

keii4ii

(Tienar may not be my tippy top favorite Ashes character (not yet sure who my fave is!) but I am definitely partial to him and his lawfulness. )

Pakky

i love chaotic lawful characters. one of my favorite characters was from a long dead webcomic called destress where the main character was lawful but also psycho. it was pretty fun to watch

sssfrs

I dont read a lot of comics but I love loveable rogue characters

FeatherNotes

Love me those chaotic stupid types too My comic's main char is one of them and it definitely makes for interesting interactions!

sssfrs

I like the dynamic my characters have. The leader of the group is smart and responsible, the second in command is smart and kind of lazy, and everyone else is completely chaotic, evil, or stupid

So the leader is herding cats

Glowbat (Aloe)

I think what really grabs my attention and chains it to the radiator usually is when there's a noticeable overarching thesis or themes to the comic that the creator is mulling over via the story. Usually as a result it really tightens up the whole story and seeing characters of all kinds representing different stances on the thesis and acting in ways directly reflecting that is neat.

keii4ii

^ Cohesiveness!!!!

Glowbat (Aloe)

Yeah!

Cronaj

I think it's interesting how most of us are drawn in with character development, even if the specific types of characters we enjoy are different.

keii4ii

^ Yeah, I fully admit that just because a character is well written/believable, doesn't guarantee I'll be invested in that character. I definitely have my types, as well as a horribly narrow and specific taste range

Glowbat (Aloe)

also the other thing that really draws me in is if you put a hot character with pointy shark teeth in I will read the entire comic always

Cronaj

I think my taste range is pretty broad with the characters I like, narrow af in regards to art styles

It's a horrible affliction really

@Glowbat (Aloe) lol, do you read Castle Swimmer?

Glowbat (Aloe)

...maybe

Phin (Heirs of the Veil)

I think what hooks me, when I start reading new webcomics, is how diverse and interesting the cast is and I think I'm more likely to stay on a superficial level if not everyone is conventionally attrative. Other than that, strong character writing and strong motivations for the characters that are already there in the beginning.

Cronaj

Character development!

Deo101

Things that keep me around are like... If I can read it, honestly. Like if i can follow whats happening consistently then i can get into it. Also! Depending on how it treats women, lgbt people and disabled people really makes or breaks my overall enjoyment. I like character driven stories most but I can enjoy other things and get into them, its nit very consistent for me

All about clarity and respect

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Oh, yeah, the author respecting their characters and / or groups of people is a big must for me.

So I agree with Deo 100% on that

Deo101

Oh, and also how much they respect their readers and trust that i can follow things without holding my hand through it!

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

^^^that too! I am not a fan of over-explaining(edited)

Cronaj

I will say, the way female characters are portrayed does affect my overall enjoyment as well. For example, if a woman is so boring and placeholder (i.e. just there to help a man or be a romantic interest), as I like to call, suffering from "girl" syndrome, I really hate it. This is why I can't watch a lot of anime, because often the female characters don't matter.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Also, @keii4ii I think you may be the first person ever to say you like Tienar!

keii4ii

omg noooo Tienar I WILL ROOT FOR YOU, MY EAGLE

It's not that I agree with him a lot. I just really appreciate that he's there

Cronaj

But yeah, if a comic can't pass the simple Bechdel Test....

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Hahaha, well, he’s definitely There

keii4ii

Re: the balance of clarity vs not over-explaining, that can be tricky!!

I too don't like over-explaining, but what I find to be just clear enough may be unclear to some, or too confusing,

Deo101

Yep :// so that one is really not on the author so much as just "if I dont know what's up or if I feel its dragging on i wont like it"

Jts not the kind of thing that you can do right for everyone

keii4ii

Agreed

Deo101

What my indicators for "is this respectful?" "Is this clear?" Etc are gonna be wayyyy different from other people's so its hard to say exactly what keep me reading

keii4ii

This is actually something I've been thinking about a lot. For Korean webcomics, the comment section generates a lot of engagement, and one result is that reading comprehension becomes a group activity. Particularly observant comments become highest voted, so even less observant readers can follow along by reading the comic and the highest voted comments. I feel that makes some stories more accessible than they would've been without that comment section culture.

Deo101

I wish that were commonplace lol

keii4ii

ME TOO

Their comment section is active enough that one time, a reader asked for toilet paper (they were stuck in a public restroom stall at Incheon airport, and only had like 20 minutes before their flight) and they actually got TP in time

But yeah, it's not just the activity level that I'm envious of. It's the group effort reading comprehension

I value it as a reader (I am not the most observant), and want it as a creator

Deo101

Yeah wow that sounds awesome and would also help me SO MUCH because I struggle a lot with following things...

keii4ii

OMFG

Before reading the sentence to the end

Deo101

Remembering, knowing what's going on or who is talking, picking up on subtle hints... Can't do that lol

keii4ii

I thought you were going to say "because I struggle a lot with public restrooms with no TP" sorrryyyyy

Cronaj

Hahahaha

Same

Deo101

Hahahahhaha

I usually just ask whoever is next to me if that happens

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I wish western audiences were that engaged. Usually the top voted comments I see are either puns (fair, because puns are awesome) or thirsty (less nice, but if it’s a thirsty pun I admit to laughing out loud sometimes)(edited)

Deo101

Yeah same lee :/

I've been getting like .1% of my readers commenting and ive been like. Is my writing just not conducive to an interactive environment? This convo should probably move out of reader favorites. Creator babble it is! Lemme go over there w it

keii4ii

There was this thriller webcomic in which the MC was trying to assassinate 4 corrupt politicians for personal grudges. He already got three of them. The last one receives a large, round-shaped flower pot as a gift from his supporters. 3-4 weeks later (IRL I mean), it is revealed that the third target/victim was cut up into pieces, but they couldn't find his head. One reader pointed out "THE FLOWER POT!!!!!!" and I would not have been able to make that connection without that comment. I mean the flower pot thing was revealed the next update anyway, but it was nice to have that comment, and another highest voted comment even specificed "go to [this specific update] for the scene in which he receives the pot"

(The head was in the pot)

Deo101

Thats so fun

Cronaj

Oh my God... It's brilliant

DanitheCarutor

@Pakky221 Distress by Blankd, right? I loved reading that comic back in the day! It's sad that the comic got discontinued, but I have to say I'm enjoying the WIP work for the stuff the creator is working on now. Regarding the conversation about characters, I think I'm the niche person in the crowd. Unless the character themselves or the situation they're in is an obvious mouthpiece thing for someone venting their racism, sexism, homophobia, whatever political views, etc. I don't reeeeally care how characters are treated or used? I've always seen them as tools, even in childhood I was disillusioned about seeing them as real people, so it's hard for me to get emotionally invested in how the author treats them. I don't even care about my own characters outside of portraying their problems, personalities, and situations decently. Probably not a good mindset to have, and it'll probably dox me some points on the "good creator" scale, but it's just my thing I guess. Lol

Bland characters are a pain, though! If you can legit replace your character with a rock, and it would have the same impact or be a livelier option, then... that's kinda sad. (Unless your character has some kind of legit issues relating to appearing bland, or they're sort of the butt of a joke.)

Pakky

@DanitheCarutor o: i don't have any way to follow the creator. the blankd tumblr has been inactive for so long but i agree. Bland characters are my least favorite. There's a lot of comics out there that have some pretty plain main characters that are realllllly hard to relate to.

DanitheCarutor

Aah! Blankd's Twitter is still active, they're working on a game right now, and they've done a few -ahem- adult comics since stopping Distress. https://twitter.com/blankd_ec

Yeah, with bland characters I'd like to think the author is trying to make that type of Sue that anyone can put themselves in? But it ends up turning into the opposite because they're so dead on arrival that no one can relate.(edited)

snuffysam

kind of related to the idea of "i should have an idea of where the story is going at the start", but one other thing that keeps me reading is "the story gets there". like if the comic opens with an old man telling a young knight that she has to travel across the land and slay a dragon, cool! if i continue reading the comic for six months and they're still in the same conversation, i'm probably dropping it! like i get that comics update at different rates, but if you have like one page every two weeks you should probably make sure something interesting happens in the first 20 pages. and the sorts of comics i absolutely love are when, like, the stories actually move forward. like, if i can re-read a comic and feel nostalgia for the earlier scenes, that's how i really turn into a superfan.

Capitania do Azar

The group effort in this chat already pointed some very important points: that not all characters are conventionally attractive (tho I like that, it's not something that would make me stop reading if it were absent), well developed women and LGBT+ characters, and characters with strong motivations that are apparent, make sense in the context of the story and are known to us from the begining. That said, if the comic consistently treats me, as a reader, as if I were not very smart (by constantly overexplaining things, pointing again and again at the obvious, making me go through walls of text because world is more important than character and you need to read a bible to get through chapter 1), I'll probably not engage for too long. I gotta say that the visual style is also a very important factor. I am willing to look through what I consider to be minor issues (like small inconsistencies in drawing/scenario or characters being offmodel) for as long as it doesn't interfere with my immersion in the story. However, some visual styles are a big no-no for me, and I discover that I can't look past those and enjoy a story

Q @CecilieQMT making WAYFINDERS

This chat is very good - also for a first-time webcomic creator. As a reader, I'm almost a little ashamed to say that I'm very picky. Not because I don't like comics, because I LOVE COMICS, but becase I'm so goddamn busy all the time. Everything is constantly competing for attention, and for a comic to be able to hold that attention, it needs to be something extra special. For me, that's an engaging and developed visual style, a plot that gets going quickly, and a sense that the story has been planned. I love that so many different comics exist, I just can't read all of them and also be a creator.

RebelVampire

As a reader, I'm almost a little ashamed to say that I'm very picky. Not because I don't like comics, because I LOVE COMICS, but because I'm so goddamn busy all the time.

I think that's an important sentiment all creators should remember. People are busy. And like, not even just comic creators. I'm talking about basically everyone. Which means good and bad things. Bad thing is that it makes creating a highly competitive market because people are going to be super picky just for lack of time to be un-picky. But the good thing is it means the people who do choose to read your comic are picking it out of all the other comics that they could read with their limited time. And that right there is pretty special.

Cronaj

@RebelVampire That really is a beautiful sentiment.

@Q @CecilieQMT making WAYFINDERS I am also very picky about comics, which is part of the reason I'm so picky about my own work. This is why if an artist doesn't seem professional enough for me, I don't want to waste my time reading the comic, because maybe the writing is unprofessional too. I know I'm missing out on a lot of good content, but as you said, I don't have the time to read a comic and be disappointed when I'm further into it.

keii4ii

I too am picky about stuff, and it's not even because of quality. My tastes are a far bigger factor. Just because I don't read something doesn't mean I think it's bad!!

Cronaj

That is also true

Tastes also play a huge role into why I read or don't read something, not just the "quality" of the art

kayotics

I don’t think I’ve answered the question yet but I’ve been lurking. The first thing to grab me that might turn me into a long term fan is the art style. I don’t think the art is the most important factor but I need to be able to follow along, and if it’s not a style I’m interested in I probably won’t start it. The second thing is the writing in general. I like characters the most, more than world building. So interesting interactions are where I get the most enjoyment. The story could go almost anywhere but if I don’t like the main character I really won’t like the story. So the thing that will keep me going the most is a likeable main cast. And I don’t mean flawless, because that gets boring, but characters that I enjoy seeing fail, and then pick themselves back up again.

DanitheCarutor

So I slept in it and realized when I was talking about plot for my answer, it was actually themes... because I didn't talk about anything relating to plot. Lol shows how professional I am. With pickiness, is it weird that I'm more picky now that I'm jobless than when I was working fulltime? When I was pulling 10-11 hour work days I was literally a drifter, so they never had anything for me to do. I would find anything I could get my hands on to make the time go by faster, so I read as many webcomics as I could. Now I have all day to catch up drawing pages, trying to find a new job, helping my mom with chores, and doing obligatory family bs. I also want to try making some kind of revenue off my drawings/comic, so I've been trying to get in the groove of doing more things. (Which is difficult because pages take almost all my drawing time.) It's hard to find the time to sit down and read a comic now since staying productive is mandatory. Uuuh Tl;dr: I can empathize with being picky due to lack of time.

Q @CecilieQMT making WAYFINDERS

THat's the creator struggle, right? In creating, so much time is spent creating, that it can be hard to find time to consume

Q @CecilieQMT making WAYFINDERS

Ooh, yay!

Deo101

I think also as creators, we tend to have a hard time -if not an impossible one- seperating our work from what we read. I Know I tend to look at other things as a learning experience in some way, either thinking "how would i do this different?" Or "what about this can i apply to my work?" Which makes reading a different, more tiring experience

We may tend to* this might just be me i will admit

DanitheCarutor

@Q @CecilieQMT making WAYFINDERS It is! Sometimes I get so focused on the creating aspect that I forget to do all the other important things like advertising, socializing, promoting other people. Like playing video games, reading comics is an absolute luxury time waster so I don't do it as often as I could anymore.

Aw man! I do that too, Deo! Although it's something I actually enjoy? Something about analyzing a piece of media, and applying what you would do with it is fun.

Deo101

Oh I absolutely do enjoy it! But it takes more time and is draining for me

Cronaj

Definitely makes it harder to enjoy what we're reading

DanitheCarutor

Aauh yeah, that's true. Analyzing does take a lot of brain power and energy.

Deo101

Yeah :/ so to find a story i can really get immersed in is incredibly rare now...

Cronaj

I do this with books I read too(edited)

It's an awful habit

DanitheCarutor

Over analyzing everything is something I've been doing literally since childhood, so I'm used to it. My brain never shuts off unless I'm drawing.

Cronaj

I find myself wanting to rewrite other people's stories

Don't be like me

Deo101

I do it too and i think its just kind of how you think about things when you're a writer

DanitheCarutor

Pff oh no, I've done that too. Not so much now, but in elementary school whenever I watched a show or movie I hated, I would rewrite it.

Deo101

When you pick apart what you dont like or analyze what you do iy lets you apply those things to yiur own work. Its a valuable skill to have and i think its kind of automatic

Cronaj

Even my favorite authors of all time... I end up going back on a reread and wanting to change things that didn't work out so well

DanitheCarutor

It's a really good skill that not enough people have... at least my coworkers are pretty lacking in the critical thinking department. They say it's healthy to question, analyze, and long to improve.

Deo101

Some people are, and that's okay! Those are the people I hope are reading millennium ;)

Jk lol

DanitheCarutor

Lmao! Yeah, it's okay to be a person of simplicity, as long as they don't tell me the hyper-realistic Lion King remake is better than the original.

Deo101

Ahhahahahaha

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I analyse every format of story I consume automatically . Comics, books, movies, etc. I find that it doesn’t take me away from immersion, but it DOES take away my emotional investment. I’m enjoying the story plenty, but I’m less likely to feel attached to a character or be sad when they die. It’s a very rare story these days that will actually give me feelings over the fate of the characters.

FeatherNotes

I can totally see that too though, esp with the crazy amount of works being produced, you def have to do some curating in a sense to see where you will make that emotional investment too

DanitheCarutor

Aaah I get that with horror movies! Lol But in seriousness, I'm the same way for the most part. My immersion is perfectly intact (unless something stupid happens), but my care investment in characters does waver. Usually it's easier when the characters are really weird, and catch my eye, like the corpse man in Swiss Army Man. I got super invested for some reason when he learned how to walk, then when he died again because his friend wouldn't fart in front of him. But normally, nah I don't feel much, especially for death but my views on that are kinda skewed to begin with.(edited)

So I realize I'm really into surreal comedy, if a character can actually make me laugh I'm more invested in their wellbeing.

keii4ii

Analytical reading is great. Though I rarely find myself wanting to fix other people's stories. I have creative tunnel vision and genuinely have no desire to work on anything other than the OTP (One True Project)

Same goes to my own ideas really? I get ideas but auto-filter them out, as I have 0 desire to work on them.

Cronaj

You are blessed lol

Every five minutes, I'm sitting there trying to convince myself to work on ONLY ONE PROJECT AT A TIME.

"Oooh! That's a cool idea! I should E x P l O r E that!

kayotics

I try to not analyze shows or comics unless I REALLY love them or I find them boring and want to be interested in them. For example: I’ll analyze the hell out of Full Metal Alchemist because I ADORE it, but the analysis stage came much later after finishing the comic. If I’m not engaged with a series then I’ll analyze what would make me more interested. I hardly ever try to rewrite other people’s stories

Deo101

Yeah i dony try to rewrite its more of a "what about this didn't i like and how can i avoid doing that in my own work?"

FeatherNotes

ohhh yes agreed Deo

kayotics

Oh yeah definitely. I will sometimes think about that, but usually it’s if something is really bugging me

Deo101

Yeah I partly do it because people sometimes just don't take "idk i didnt really like it" for an answer and I gotta explain. Also its kinda like a puzzle and I like puzzles

kayotics

Oh, on the topic of the question: one other thing that will hook me is whether or not the writing is exciting. For example, I mentioned being bored by some comics, but that doesn’t mean I’m looking for action all the time. What I’m looking for is for there to be something to latch on to. The most mundane story about laundry could be interesting to me if it’s written in a way that engages me.

A really good example of engaging writing in a mundane story is probably Sakana? https://www.sakana-comic.com/ The characters just. Work in a fish stall. But the story holds my interest even in the quiet moments because it’s crafted in a way that keeps developing the characters.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

I can’t turn off my analysis mode. It just happens as I’m watching / reading in the background of my brain and there’s no control switch. Sometimes I wish there was so I don’t correctly predict the ending 1/4 of the way through and spoil it for myself. (I’m no longer allowed to make predictions along with my friends when we watch movies together).

Deo101

^^^^ SAME. BIG SAME.

My mom and sister are like that too so we all guess the ending and my dad gets lile >:( I Kno youre right and it's ruined now >:((

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

But agreeing with the above, I don’t want to fix another person’s story. I’m just always asking ‘What made this scene so effective?’ and ‘what made this part not so effective?’. I also map writing patterns, formulas, and file away ‘tells’ in my head as I go.

Me and my friends all like to talk during movies: making snarky comments or predictions. I’m just no longer allowed to do the latter because I will ruin the ending. XD

Deo101

Ahahahahahaha

Yeah I can't go to theaters I've been shushed so much. But its so hard not to talk for me

FeatherNotes

that's a very important skill to have with analysing things to the point of deconstructing them in your own work and making more effective narratives too! it's good to be aware of the content that you consume and really understand what made the work speak/effect you the way it did. Honestly these conversations are much more enjoyable to have than just 'my fave character is that bc they are funny' and it ends there (no shade on simply enjoying things here tho! I def do the same) but yea! being aware to that degree is a good skill for writing

sssfrs

@Glowbat (Aloe) You should read my comc

I’m sorry I’m like this I’m just so focused on what I’m working on its the only thing in my whole brain right now.

You said you like stories with themes and my mind was like themes? my story has themes

keii4ii

Calm down man! XD Though I can relate to brain being 100% focused on your OTP (One True Project)

sssfrs

I love analyzing media. I get bored of reading or watching things really quickly if I feel like I’m starting to understand the central message. Or maybe bored isnt the right word- more like satiated? If the work is really cohesive and Ive gotten the overall message I feel like ive fully enjoyed the media and had a good time

Like analyzing it is enough and then reading is just bomus

bonus

I’m so sorry

FeatherNotes

it's okay to be really into your own work haha! love that passion to keep you going--!

also the OTP acronym is rly cute omg

sssfrs

One True Project I just realized you saidb that that is really cute

Like I said I stop reading if I feel like I have the gist of something(edited)

I think its cool that a lot of us are saying we analyze things all the way and were also making our own stuff like does working on making your own thing cause you to view the details of the construction of the story in a different way?

DanitheCarutor

Like, does being analytical make us construct our stories differently than others? If so I wouldn't say it does for myself, but my visuals tend to get way overly detailed. To the point where important stuff tends to get drowned out, which is something I've been trying to work on. <_<'

keii4ii

It would definitely help with self-editing/ revisions, for one thing.

I don't think you need to be analytical every time you consume a story, but it helps to be able to turn analytical mode on?

Deo101

yeah for me its kind of always on unfortunately. if not when im watching then definitely after having finished

DanitheCarutor

Yeah, turning it off is near impossible. Ah thinking about it, I guess being overly-analytical kiiinda affects my story? (If that's what sssfrs meant) I remember some readers who've said they go back and forth to connect plot details, and the guy who does Webcomic Relief did a super small review where he went nuts analyzing everything. Even down to the reason behind my use of medium. Since I like analyzing I guess I subconsciously made a comic that can be analyzed, or something. Or maybe it's not actually that deep.

keii4ii

That makes sense, though. That we make comics that can be enjoyed the way we enjoy other stories.

I'm not much of a theorizer, so my comic isn't really optimized for theorizing. Though some people have still managed to come up with really cool theories!

DanitheCarutor

Pff I think every piece of media has those theorizers, it's just fun to do for some no matter if they're analyzing some deep piece or Blues Clues. I imagine those types of fans are fun to watch as a creator whether your work is geared for analysis or not.

Oh uh, I forgot to mention. Let me know if I'm getting a little out there, or getting off topic too much. Socializing properly is still something I'm trying to work on, along with the etiquette.

Cap’n Lee (Flowerlark Studios)

Yeah, I can’t turn off analysis mode either. It’s always running in the background.

sssfrs

I was saying more the other way around, like having experienced the process of creating a story, you think more about the work that goes into it and how the various pieces all come together in a different way than someone who's only ever consumed media linearly would be used to seeing it.

It could go the other way around too though that's interesting, then it's like "what drives people to make stories"?

RebelVampire

For me, there are three qualities that usually hook me in with a new comic. 1) An interesting premise. Not to say I think premises need to be unique, but it's more of a question is do I think it'll explore the premise in an interesting way. For an example, Maiden of the Machine https://maidenmachine.com/ It's not like steampunk is new or anything, but I really wound up liking the premise of it both being a romance and about high society politics with the steampunk setting. So, that drew me in a lot to keep reading. 2) A good balance of themes and story. I'm not a huge fan of comics that are more interested in exploring their themes over their story. I prefer stories where the narrative is the focus, and the theme feels like a natural consequence of the narrative. My example for this is actually the recent Week Long Bookclub comic Missing Pieces https://www.webtoons.com/en/challenge/missing-pieces/list?title_no=192867 I actually wasn't sure I was going to like it first, but I was super hooked once I started. There were lots of interesting themes to explore around death and revenge, but at the end, the story let me decide how to feel and focused on the narrative. 3) Theory-fodder stories. If there is lots of stuff to theorize about and that is easy to overanalyze based on the most miniscule of evidence, I'm pretty sold. This is the fact that really got me with Galebound http://www.galebound.com/ There were so many small hints and tidbits, both in the story and supplemental material, that I overread and overthought the heck out of this comic. I do wanna note, the things I look for and what hook me are arbitrary and based only on my personal preferences. There are a crap ton of objectively great webcomics out there that I have no interest in reading as a long term fan. Not cause they're bad, they just don't have things I'd personally enjoy reading in terms of being part of the comic's fandom.

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