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stxrvel · 2 years

Text

the outbreak

summary: your bruised heart and shattered mind have feelings for Bucky and you had planned to tell him very soon, however, the disastrous outcome of the last mission and a heated argument make you think the best option was to keep quiet.

pairing: bucky barnes x f!reader

words: 8k or so

warnings: implicit reference of suicidal thoughts, some suicidal accusations, maybe like get your shit together kind of stuff, a lot of bad words, angst. there's just no happy endings in this account. mentions to explosions. also, there's a plot in the plot? that kinda got there out of nowhere, but i liked the way it turned out. probably do a second part later.

note: hey! i can't believe I actually managed to get one thing done and ready to be published in one day, i think i got lucky. im still working on the next part of how to break a routine in one year but it's been a rough journey, i don't know how it would end up in the end. still hope you like this and know that feedback is really appreciated! really love reading your comments and opinions 💜

1.5, part 2!

You were static all the way back to the Complex. Your ears were still ringing from the vibrations of the bombs that exploded near you and which, by sheer luck, didn't cause your death. You couldn't look up from your clasped hands and you couldn't shake the chagrin in your chest that hadn't left you since you saw the look on Bucky Barnes' face when you were found in the rubble.

It was supposed to be a simple mission. Extraction of information, no more than five hours and you would return to the Complex. But it got complicated when you were ambushed, as if they were already expecting an Avengers team to show up in that building and they were ready for anything. You weren't supposed to face anything that day, otherwise you wouldn't have gone on the mission in the first place.

You knew you were always going to be the team's priority when they went on an extraction mission, whether it was information or people. You weren't the most skilled or the most resourceful, so the team had to keep their eyes on you and the mission objective. That in itself felt like a burden, so you always tried to just do your job and not complicate things for the others.

This time, however, you couldn't keep yourself safe, not even despite the orders given to you by the team and the mission leader: Bucky. You were casually perusing the shelves of a room where you knew the information they were looking for, which was vital to knowing the enemy you were dealing with at the moment, was to be found. You were so close to getting it that electricity surged through your limbs and little shots of adrenaline coursed through your body.

But, at that moment, Bucky's voice reached your hearing.

“Y/N, get out of there right now and meet Wanda on the first floor.”

“Hold on a second. I've almost got it.”

“I told you to get out of there right now. It wasn't a goddamn recommendation.”

“Can't you wait a second, Bucky? This is the key to everything and you know it.”

“I don't give a fuck about those documents, Y/N! Get out of there right now!”

And you should have listened to him. You should have listened to him the first time. But you always had this constant need to prove yourself, to make your time count for others and for them to notice that you were worth something. That you weren't a burden on the team. For a while the line of that goal was blurred, you didn't know if you were trying to convince them or yourself. On that occasion, you decided to make the decision to prove your worth and stay to find out what they had spent weeks focusing their time on.

“Fuck,” you heard Bucky curse. “Wanda, can you come in for-?”

The sound of a large explosion caused horrible interference on the team's communicators.

Sadly, until that moment you understood that maybe you should have listened to the team leader. Still, you held your place for a few more seconds until you found your target. But it was too late by the time the building began to shake.

It had taken the team about twenty-five minutes to find you. They didn't even know how you had survived.

“Bucky, what happened in-?”

“I'll give the mission report to Fury later,” the man cut off Steve Rogers' words, walking past him without giving him a glance, and continued on his way straight to the entrance of the Complex.

Steve turned his gaze until his eyes rested on yours. You felt like you had a lot of words stuck in your throat, a lot of overflowing feelings that you couldn't control. You just looked down again and approached him to hand over the mission objective. For which you risked your life almost without thinking. Then you walked straight back to your little room and didn't leave for the rest of the day.

---

Your friendship with Bucky was great. From the moment you joined the group, he was the person you hit it off with the fastest, surprising almost everyone on the team. Even before you got to know Bucky, even though you didn't consider yourself an outgoing person, you would tell him stories about your day and mundane things you did every day. At first you didn't even know if the man was listening to you, you just knew he was there and never left until you were done talking.

The situation wasn't so bad. You were used to talking to yourself since you started living on your own, a couple of years before you joined the team. Sometimes when Bucky came into the kitchen or appeared in the living room, you were already mumbling to yourself about something.

For a while you never knew why he stayed to listen to you.

And months went by like that. Each time you would show up wherever he was or he would show up wherever you were and you would just tell him something. A story from your childhood, a story from your grandparents' lives, a news item from around the world, an extremely strange and bizarre fun fact.

That little interaction was something you quickly got used to.

That is, until outsiders had to dip their spoon in and stick ideas that didn't belong in your head. Ideas you weren't supposed to have or even consider once. You knew it, but you learned it again the hard way.

“Have you seen Bucky today?” you asked Sam Wilson once when you walked into the kitchen.

“No,” the man quickly replied, finishing his coffee.

You pursed your lips and were already on your way back to look for him elsewhere when Sam's voice reached your ears again.

“You hit it off pretty quick with him, huh? I thought he was a tough nut to crack.”

“Don't talk about him as a thing. And it's really not that complicated to get to know him. You just have to make an effort and not push.”

“Roger that, Captain,” Sam smiled and took a sip of his coffee.

Hearing that lit a light bulb in your head.

“And have you seen Steve?”

Sam shook his head as he lowered his mug to rest it on the kitchen counter. “No. They must be together because I haven't seen them since yesterday. Maybe they went out on a mission?”

You nodded at his words, thoughtfully.

“But he didn't tell me he had to leave today…” you mumbled, but it reached Sam's ears.

“Does he usually tell you what he does in the day, too?”

You turned to look at him, distracted.

“Something like that. He only does that when I ask him to go shopping with me.”

“He goes shopping with you? Really?”

“Sure,” you quickly replied focusing all your attention on his surprised face. “It's a dangerous world for women, you know? I can't take chances.”

“Clint goes shopping once a month. You've never ordered from him?”

“No, I like to walk around the supermarkets and look at every single thing on the shelves. Clint is very fast and boring.”

“Ah, so the only person you feel comfortable with at those times is Bucky.”

You shook your head in a nod, completely unaware of what the man was trying to imply with his words.

“Natasha once accompanied me, but because she flashed the knife hidden on her hip at every man who saw us for more than five seconds, she was banned from more than seven venues and the police were almost called.”

“Mmm,” Sam nodded. “Sounds very much in keeping.”

“So yeah, that's why Bucky is my shopping buddy. Steve is very inquisitive, Tony brags every two minutes about how quick and easy he could do the market from the app on his phone, Wanda gets lost in the movie section and I can hardly ever get her out and you just don't shop because you leave it all to Clint.”

“And Bruce?”

“He leaves a list for Clint or asks FRIDAY to take note of every time he says he needs something so she can forward it to Clint.”

“Wow, who knew the Avengers were such bad shopping buddies.”

“Yeah. Bucky just walks with me, reaches for things that are too high and does his own shopping quietly. Or sometimes we chat. About shopping stuff.”

“That's very domestic of him.”

You let out a short laugh, agreeing with his description. It was something you thought about from time to time.

“Bucky is a very domestic person, actually.”

“You seem to know him well.”

“Maybe so. Only from what I can see of him by his actions.”

“He's not very active with you in talks then.”

“Not very much. But if you can get to know him well, it's easy to tell what he means just by his behaviors.”

Sam gave you a nod, his coffee on the counter long forgotten.

Then, as if his mind hadn't processed what he meant, out of his mouth came the last words you would have wanted to hear in the world.

“You two would make a good couple.”

You snapped out of your head for a moment, almost abruptly. You turned to look at him as if he had a magnet that attracted your gaze and you almost pulled a lung out of your chest from how loudly you snorted at those words. That man had lost his mind.

“What?”

“What?” Sam repeated, his brow furrowing without losing the hint of amusement it caused him to see you so flustered for saying something so mundane. “It's no secret to anyone that you're the person he spends the most time with in the entire Complex. You do a lot of things together, including shopping. Like a couple would. You know what? You already act like a couple even if it's not official.”

“You have no idea what you're talking about.”

“Oh, but I do have an idea. We all have eyes here, Y/N. It's not hard to notice the look in both of our eyes when-”

“All right, that's enough!” you exclaimed, and Sam just shrugged. “I don't want you ever hinting like that again, is that clear?”

And he didn't do it again. But you should have paid more attention when he spoke in the plural. Even though he was the first, he wasn't the only one to express his opinion freely about your friendly relationship with Bucky when you didn't ask for it. It was as if Sam unleashed a horde of unwanted comments about the normal, domestic things you did with Bucky.

It wasn't long before you began to feel uncomfortable when the two of you were in some room in the Complex with some third party who was intruding.

“Are you okay?” Bucky asked you once you were in the common room of the Complex.

You remembered turning to look at him in bewilderment as you snapped out of your cloud of thoughts. You saw him sitting next to you, a safe distance away. Like two normal friends. You were telling him a story your mother had told you about your grandmother many years ago when you felt a look on your face. You ignored it at first completely because you were too engrossed in your story and felt you didn't care if anyone else came into the room.

But then you met Clint's eyes. And everything went into a tailspin.

“Yeah. All good,” you shook your head trying to play it down, but you underestimated Bucky's knowledge of you. “Why?”

“You were quiet.”

“For less than ten seconds,” you let out a nervous laugh. In that moment you felt like a pressure cooker, your mind moving anxiously like the lid blowing the air out.

You noticed out of the corner of your eye that Bucky averted his gaze and you turned to look at him to realise that he had focused his attention on the person sitting in one of the far armchairs with a comic book in his hands. He looked so deep in concentration that his presence in the room was barely noticeable.

“Does it bother you that Clint is here?”

“What?” you exclaimed, suddenly a little louder than you should have. “No, of course not, why would it bother me?”

Bucky arched an eyebrow.

“That's what I'm trying to understand.”

His unwavering expression couldn't give you any answer as to what was going through his head. You mentally berated yourself for trying to find out something you didn't want to know, that you shouldn't even be considering.

“Even if it bothered me that Clint was here, why would that be relevant?”

The man next to you raised his eyebrows as if you'd asked the question with the most obvious answer in the world.

“Because you're uncomfortable.”

You frowned.

“Do you care that much that I'm uncomfortable?”

“Yes, because you haven't finished the story. I still don't know what happened to the chicken.”

His words left your mind blank for a few seconds. You didn't know whether to be flattered, because he seemed genuinely interested in what you were telling him, or offended because he seemed to take it only as a method of entertainment. Either way, the important thing was that you had his attention, right?

Oh, no. No, no, no.

You were suddenly annoyed to realise that your thoughts were taking the wrong turn, being fully influenced by the words Sam and the others had let out about your relationship with Bucky. You couldn't allow yourself to drift slowly into a place you didn't want to return to, because you knew well the consequences and side effects. Even though sometimes you felt you were already in that place.

You were fine with the way you were, nothing else mattered. You were fine with the way you were, nothing else mattered. You were fine just with the way you were, nothing else mattered….

“Do you want to go somewhere else?”

“You know this is the longest conversation we've ever had?”

Impulsively you changed the topic of conversation. And you knew Bucky had noticed by the way his eyes narrowed and he didn't say anything for a few seconds. You stood in silence, a small staring battle, Bucky trying to make you give in, until he let out an exhausted sigh and averted his gaze.

“It's not the longest conversation.”

“Yes, it is. You talked to me more than five times.”

Bucky let out a short disbelieving laugh, his head jerking in rhythm with the sound coming out of his mouth. You watched him carefully for the duration of the gesture, because it wasn't something that happened very often.

“I'm sure we've had longer conversations.”

“The monosyllables you answer me with at the mall don't count.”

Bucky let out a breath and his lips pressed into a thin line. It was your turn to laugh, genuinely amused. His eyes flickered up to meet yours.

“You give yourself a lot more credit than you should,” you told him after a while, when your laughter had subsided and his expression was more serene.

“Yeah, whatever,” he mumbled. “What happened to the chicken?”

Over time, you learned to manage your awkwardness so that Bucky wouldn't suspect your uncomfortable behaviour and avoid questions you didn't want to answer. Sometimes, you thought you were excellent at hiding what your body wanted to show with its language, and other times you felt that Bucky just didn't bring up the subject to avoid making you even more uncomfortable. But surely he wanted to ask.

So that was the routine you usually had. It wasn't strange for anyone to see you walking around the Complex together or going out together, and it wasn't strange for you to see everyone with knowing smiles as you passed each other.

Even though it was difficult, you felt you coped well. Always ignoring that voice in the back of your head that tried to alert you that something had happened in the feeling system. If you just ignored it, then it was nothing.

Everything was still relatively normal.

Until that damned mission where you decided not to listen to him.

It had been a week since the incident and if Bucky had looked at you at least once when you were in the same place, that was a lot to say.

Sam had tried to ask you several times what had happened on the mission and why Bucky didn't even acknowledge your presence when sometimes you were right next to him, but you were never able to answer him. You didn't want to talk about it when every time you remembered the cold look he'd given you the moment Wanda removed the chunk of concrete that had almost fallen on top of you, only being cushioned by the wall you'd stuck to before it all came crashing down. His light eyes had always felt warm, made you feel welcome to him the moment you wanted to enter, but in that instant his eyes were watching you as if he wanted you to disappear from the face of the earth.

You couldn't bear the memory. Not when you were already used to his presence and his silences; to his short laughs and mumbled answers. Not when you were already starting to feel comfortable with the ideas you were getting in your head despite trying to convince yourself otherwise; that maybe Sam and the others weren't so wrong. That maybe… they might be right.

But they were just that. Ideas. Stupid thoughts that were going around in your head to salve your poor heart.

Ever since you came back from the mission, you knew how unlikely it was that everyone else was right. The only thing they saw between the two of you, that they talked about so much, was your own feelings bouncing off all the walls that Bucky had and that he hadn't dropped at any point like you thought he had. It was only the reflection of your adoration for him in his eyes. There was never really anything about him that gave them to understand that he felt the same way you did about him, it was only the extent of your love that covered him too.

But nothing was ever really reciprocated.

And coming to that conclusion wasn't as difficult as you thought it would be.

Being hopeful wasn't your style. Although you were always cheerful and tried to put your best face to the world, you weren't one to fall easily for the words and actions of others. That's why you kept your relationship with Bucky at bay for so long, because you knew it wasn't possible for him to see you with the love you longed to give him. You were always sure. But then, and you didn't really know how you got to that point, you began to think that, if other people could see it so clearly, then suddenly it might be true. Maybe Bucky could return your feelings and then the world wasn't just black and white.

Wrong.

For a moment you allowed yourself to forget and let your defences down for that little flame of hope, even though you knew you shouldn't have, that you hadn't done it in years for something and it didn't have to be any different this time. You did, and it was a mistake.

“So, what do you say?”

You raised your head to look at Wanda's expectant face. Her raised eyebrows and the way she moved her hands in her lap gave you a hint that she was feeling nervous. She was trying to hide it, but you could also see that she was a little afraid. Her light, barely perceptible voice gave you the feeling that she was afraid of unleashing a storm with her conjectures.

“That it's crazy.”

“It's definitely crazy,” the woman in front of you sighed, her eyes drifting from your figure to her surroundings trying to deal with the weight of the revelations she'd had these past few days.

Your body leaned against the armchair behind you, and you lowered your head until you could look at the book lying on your crossed legs. You looked at the letters and frowned as you tried to understand again what it was all about.

“That could also be just a story.”

“I don't think so,” Wanda mused, then raised her head to look at you. “There's a reason these books are here.”

“Yeah, just like there's a reason for us not to be in here.”

“Then why did you follow me?”

Wanda crossed her arms under her chest, an annoyed expression taking over her face.

“I didn't think you were going to show me something like this,” you admitted, taking the book in your hands and running your eyes over the text and figures once more. “I didn't even think it was possible.”

“I told you my dreams were starting to become more accurate.”

You shook your head in a nod, your mind trying to figure out what that could mean for your friend's future. You knew it was possible that Wanda was doing her best not to see the whole horizon of negative possibilities emerging from that situation, but you were also aware of the weight she must be feeling with all those thoughts running through her head coupled with the likelihood of not having an answer. Your head schemed for a possible solution that might not be welcome.

“Why don't you go talk to Strange?”

Wanda twisted her lips, the reaction you expected.

“I get the impression that the first thing he'd do would be to lock me in his magical dungeon.”

You wanted to contradict her, but it was partly true. You knew Strange to be a man who didn't see nuance in black and white. It was only about good and bad, with no in-between. But you suggested it because he was the only person besides Wanda who knew as much about magic and sorcery as she did, even more thanks to the position he held. His methods were questionable, probably, but the range of his knowledge was something greater than either of you could question.

You closed the book and ran your fingers over the material of its cover, so stiff and dirty that you could barely even try to guess what century it was from.

“Even if what this book says is true, we don't have the original book to confirm it. We don't even know if it exists.”

“The Darkhold is real,” Wanda contradicted you almost immediately, and the certainty in her voice sent a shiver down your spine.

“What, you've seen it in dreams too?”

When Wanda averted her eyes from yours, you had to restrain the urge to hit her over the head with the book you were holding.

“Wanda!”

“I'm sorry!”

You saw her quickly get up from the floor and start walking around the place you had taken over in the library you were in. From the outside, it looked like a small room with a few shelves full of books, but the further you went in, the less it seemed like it would have any end to it. It was one of the largest rooms in the Complex. And, courtesy of Wanda, you now knew that it was the only room with another hidden room that almost ninety-five percent of the Complex staff were barred from entering. You were convinced that only the Director, Maria Hill, Tony Stark and Stephen Strange were allowed in there.

Now, how could Wanda concentrate enough energy to find and open the hidden entrance to that place? A complete mystery to you.

“The Darkhold was the first thing I saw before my dreams started getting weird. It was only a couple of weeks ago.”

“After you dreamt about it, you started having the lucid dreams?”

“Yes, it was very strange,” Wanda shook her head and stopped her feet in front of you, her expression thoughtful as if her mind was conjuring up all her dreams at once. “Sometimes I dream things where I'm sure it's me, that if I looked in a mirror I'd be sure it was me. But other times, I feel like my dream is focused on showing me someone else's memories. Like I'm inside someone else's mind… but that person is me.”

The woman looked at you, her face contracted in confusion and exhaustion.

“Why didn't you tell me this before?”

Wanda sat back down on the floor in front of you, her legs crossed and her elbows resting on her knees. You watched her run her hands over her face repeatedly before answering.

“I didn't want to worry you. I didn't want to worry anyone. At first I had thought this was too crazy for anyone to believe me, but when I came here and found that book I started to fear for myself. I didn't want to get locked up if anyone found out.”

“Don't say that. No one's going to lock you up.”

You threw the book with the stiff cover somewhere on the floor and moved from your spot to approach your friend. You didn't hesitate for a second to wrap her in your arms and squeeze her against your body.

You didn't know how you had gone so many days without noticing the tiredness in her eyes and the dark bags under her eyes. You'd been so wrapped up in your own head that you hadn't even been able to notice when something was eating away at your friend's sanity. Being one of those things… mhm, you know….

“Don't worry. You're not going to go crazy and want to rule the universe. That sounds too surreal.”

“I'd like to know if my dreams are fabrications or visions.”

You turned away from the woman, your brows furrowing at the implication of her words.

“You're not going to become what that book says.”

“But what if…?”

“No, Wanda.”

“What if it's tipping me off?”

“And who's doing it?” you inquired as you sat back on your heels, your gaze focused on your friend's obfuscated expression. “The Darkhold? Some silly alternate version of yourself from another universe? Now that's crazy!”

Wanda turned her head away and her shoulders slumped.

“That would mean my dreams are unexplained. They're just dreams.”

“Maybe that's for the best. Even the multiverse theory hasn't been proven enough for us to conjecture beyond our own reality.”

“Still, isn't it strange?”

“Of course it is. It's just too weird. I just meant that it doesn't mean you're destined to become that bizarre alter ego.”

You saw her press her lips into a line, then nod her head slightly. She didn't really look convinced, and neither were you, to be honest. Of everything she had told you, you couldn't understand half of it, and the other half you could barely believe was true. The magic was a few levels above your understanding of reality and altering it all in a few minutes was proving to be a really complicated job.

Still, seeing her anguished face at the possibility of what her dreams and that book implied, you knew you had to say something to try to calm the thoughts in her head. Even if it was something tiny that couldn't even come close to being true. You couldn't let those evil ideas fill her head and make her think she was some kind of villain when it couldn't be further from the truth.

If that was the future, it wasn't the future of the Wanda in front of you, her gaze lost and her eyes full of fear. Someone who worried like that about what might happen, even if she wasn't completely convinced of it, only thinking of the slightest possibility, couldn't have an ounce of evil in her.

“Maybe you're right-”

“What the fuck are you two doing here?”

You cringed as you heard a new voice join in the room when you hadn't even heard the footsteps of anyone approaching. Least of all from the two people who had just appeared down the same path you and Wanda had come down.

“Uhm…”

Your voice came out shaky, not at the prospect of receiving yet another punishment for being in a forbidden place for the level you were at as an agent, you'd already seen that coming, but because standing next to a very angry Tony Stark was Bucky. And he was staring at you so hard you feared he might punch a hole in your soul.

You felt Wanda's gaze on you. You turned to see her slowly, as if making any sudden movements would upset the bundle of fury in front of you. You could almost see the veins in her forehead pop.

With one glance, you knew that Wanda had no idea that the room had any kind of sensor. Even though it would make sense for it to have one, it would be illogical because it's a door hidden with magic. Normal people wouldn't notice it by looking through matter or something.

Nevertheless, it was magic that was what it was all about. Surely Strange would have some magical failsafe, kind of.

“None of you are going to respond?”

“I believe the situation responds on its own,” Wanda answered him, and Tony's dark eyes settled on her in a matter of seconds.

For a moment you thought his face had faltered, that his expression had slumped, but just as quickly you noticed, just as quickly it was gone.

Then, his gaze wandered across the floor where you stood with a number of books around you, until it settled on the book you had been reading moments before his arrival. You hadn't realised where it had fallen when you threw it when you got up to hug Wanda, but that must have been your lucky day because it was far enough away to make him think that it had only been taken out, but not opened.

Tony moved quickly to take the book in his hands and then gave you a wary look.

“Did you open this?”

As if we were going to say yes.

“No,” you replied quickly, averting your gaze from the frozen man behind Tony.

“Good.”

You watched him tuck the small, stiff book into his jacket before glancing back at the mess of books on the floor.

“Move along. Strange isn't going to be happy.”

The two men moved sideways, clearing the way for you and Wanda to exit the way you came.

Without a second's hesitation, you both got up and started walking in the direction of the exit.

“How the hell did you know where the entrance was?” Tony questioned Wanda once you were all out of the hidden room, and the aforementioned turned around to watch the door slam shut before disappearing.

"I guess I got lucky."

Tony clicked his tongue, but said nothing more. He turned on his heels to begin his walk towards the library exit followed by Bucky who clearly didn't give you a single word other than judging looks.

Wanda nudged you lightly with her body, the previous topic almost completely forgotten, with a half smile on her face. You didn't know if it was good to drop the subject so spontaneously, but you did know that you didn't want her to continue to have those thoughts running through her head.

“You haven't spoken to Bucky?”

“I'm puzzled that the subject is funny to you.”

“I'm not amused,” Wanda tried to rectify, lowering her voice as she saw that the two men in front of her had stopped at the library exit. “But I don't think he's mad at you.”

“Today is your day of the wildest theories I've ever heard, how can he possibly not be mad at me?”

Wanda sighed and watched the back of the aforementioned, who was apparently talking to Steve Rogers.

“You scared us all that day. But Bucky was… terrified. I knew you were alive, and I told him, but he wouldn't believe me until he could see it with his own eyes. He was too scared at the time. And, to be honest, I think that scare made him realise something he doesn't want to accept now. That's probably why he's staying away from you.”

You watched your friend with narrowed eyes, your body turned in her direction.

“Did you get inside his head?”

“Of course not!”

“Because that's wildly accurate, Wanda. How can you conclude something like that just by looking at someone?”

“I've had a week to do it,” the woman waved her hand in the air, downplaying the matter before resuming her walk when the men up ahead finally moved. “And I happen to be very good at reading people's body language.”

“Yeah, right.”

Wanda grunted at your tone of voice.

“I really didn't get inside his head, Y/N. I swore I wouldn't do it again and I'm keeping my word.”

“Alright, let's say I believe you,” you agreed and turned to look at her just as she rolled her eyes at your words. “That's not reason enough to talk to him.”

“And why not?” Wanda raised her voice, quizzical. “I practically gave you the answer.”

“Knowing doesn't make things any easier, woman.”

Wanda let out a whine so loud and exaggerated that several of the people walking past her frowned at her.

“The real answer is to just talk to him. Do you know how many problems are solved a year just by talking?”

You shook your head in denial. “He's avoiding me-”

“And you seem to be okay with that.”

“I'm not.”

“Then why haven't you done anything to change it yet?”

You knew she was right, but to be honest and to no one's surprise, you didn't want to deal with the confrontation and find out that what you always thought and the reason you kept yourself on edge was true. Even though it clearly was. But to have the chance to hear it come from his mouth directly? You were definitely past having that experience. You no longer doubted that his feelings for you were as non-existent as you first thought and that you should never have listened to people's words, giving yourself false hope. You didn't want to face your own mind and the fact that you got into this heart trouble on your own when you had always been so cautious. Weighing the risk of Bucky pushing so far inside your head that you knew the real darkness was reason enough to be a little content with silence.

Talking to him would solve a percentage of the situation, the professional. You would apologise another thousand times for not listening to him during the mission, you would tell him that you would do everything in your power not to react that way again, and that was it. But the other percentage of the situation would not be resolved; the percentage that involves you more than him. Even if you apologise and he accepts your apology, nothing could assure you that things would go back to the way they were before, that you would go back to being attached to each other as you have been since you met.

And that should be good, because you could finally get away from him and get all those feelings off your chest and out of your mind like you should have done in the first place to avoid the eventuality of him suddenly knowing too much about you, but at the same time you didn't want to end something that could have been so good. Even without getting romantic, your friendship with Bucky was one of the things you cherished the most, and you didn't want to make yourself forget it as if it had never happened.

“What is it that scares you?”

“That I was right all along.”

Wanda gave you her reprimanding look and paused to stare at you with that scowl on her face. You inhaled sharply and stopped in front of her, watching her expectantly.

“I'll take Tony,” she blurted out suddenly, not wiping that expression off her face.

“What?”

“I'm taking him and you better hope that when we meet again you have good news.”

“What are you talking about?”

Without answering, Wanda turned her body and walked in the direction of the three men who had stopped once again to talk. Bucky and Tony had their backs to you, but you could see the typical serious expression disappear from Steve's face to give way to surprise the moment Wanda landed in the middle of him and Tony with a big smile.

The woman shared a few words with the stunned blond, before turning to Tony and sending you a fleeting glance over the man's shoulder.

“Don't you think you're keeping Strange waiting too long?”

“How did you know that he-?”

“I didn't. But you already gave me the answer. We'd better go now.”

Following her order, Wanda curled her arm around the arm of a paralyzed Tony and started walking, waving goodbye to the others.

“Bye, Y/N! Don't stand in the middle of the hallway!”

You cringed as the gaze of the people walking past you landed on you, and gritted your teeth as you saw Steve's gaze on you. Without a bit of disguise, Steve ran his gaze over you and then over Bucky and back again as if he was having a short circuit inside his head.

You weren't too far away to notice Bucky's stiff shoulders, and you guessed he was saying goodbye to Steve when the blond turned his gaze to watch him. Seconds later, the black-haired man started to walk the way Wanda had gone with Tony, but Steve stopped him before he took any more steps away from the tense atmosphere.

“Wait,” you heard Steve's voice and flinched as you watched Bucky look down to see the Captain's hand clutch his left arm, then look up and give him a look that you knew would have chilled you from head to toe, but Steve seemed to ignore it as if it was an everyday occurrence. “Actually, since I've got you two in one place, I need to talk to you.”

You watched the blond shake his head pointing to the door next to him then walk in his direction.

You followed them from a distance and closed the door behind you. It was one of the small common rooms around the Complex. You still remembered how surprised you had been when you first arrived to see how many clear work areas they had in that place. Of course, to house and protect the peace of mind of hundreds of workers.

Bucky slumped into one of the green armchairs carelessly and Steve stood on his feet in the middle of the room.

“I spoke to Fury this morning,” the blond began, alternating his gaze between the two of you. “You'll be back on a mission next week.”

You raised your head expecting to see that Steve was referring to Bucky, but no. He was staring at you from his position.

“So soon?”

“What do I have to do with this?”

You and Bucky spoke at the same time, and you couldn't hide the pain that settled in your chest hard as you heard those were the first words you'd heard from him in seven days.

Steve pursed his lips and alternated his gaze again before speaking again.

“Fury agreed to let you go on the mission after a recon team inspects the site in case of possible attacks.”

You nodded slightly. That was a little ugly to hear, too. Just a little.

“You'll go with Clint and Bucky on the mission.”

You were expecting those words to come out of his mouth because there was no other reason to have locked them both in here. What you didn't expect (though you should have) was to see Bucky roll his eyes and drop his head on the back of the couch in the most horrible gesture of disgust and ennui you'd ever seen from him since you'd known him. During this week of being a zero to the left for the aforementioned, you'd noticed that Bucky was very expressive when he wanted someone to realise that they were strongly hated by him.

It wasn't something you wanted to know, really.

“Clint will be the backup so he'll stay inside the Quinjet flying over the structure in case of a possible attack. You and Y/N are going to enter the building and perform the extraction of one person.”

One person? That was new. You could hardly remember the last time you'd had such a mission.

“Why did he pick me?”

“I have no idea, Buck. He just gave me the order to tell you.”

“Who's the person we're supposed to extract?”

“That I don't know,” Steve replied. “Fury was very cautious with the information. Any minute now the report should reach you.”

“And you're busy?” Bucky asked again, his gaze focused solely on the blond standing in front of him.

At the time, you hated what he was doing. You understood that he didn't want to go on that mission with you because he didn't feel comfortable or just didn't want to see you, but it cost him nothing to have a little, just a little compassion enough to not try to get rid of you and that mission right in front of you as if you weren't listening to him.

“Bucky…”

Steve sighed, but the man in front of him didn't soften his expression or make any pretense of taking back his words.

“If you've got a problem with this, you should go talk it over with Fury,” the blond recommended, not answering his question directly, sending him a hard glare before turning to look at you again. “See you later.”

You nodded in his direction and the man quickly left the room.

The silence that followed was deadly.

You watched the man continue to sit in that armchair, his jaw tense, his hands clenched and his eyes fixed on the wall in front of him. He was so still he looked like a statue. It was scary.

You tried to take a tentative step in his direction, but noticing your movement roused him from his trance and he stood up quickly. He let out a sigh and walked out of the room without looking at you.

You felt a kind of courage catch in your throat when you called out to him.

“Bucky.”

“No,” the man replied almost instantly, his body near the door turning violently to stare at you and point his index finger at you. The angry look he gave you made you regret all the decisions in your life that had brought you to that moment. “I don't want to talk to you. I don't want to hear your apology. I don't want anything from you.”

With each word he moved closer to you until you had to start backing away. You were too surprised at how he had exploded just hearing you call out to him. He must have had too much pent up. Maybe it wasn't a good idea to do this at the time.

“If you want to blow off steam, talk to a fucking wall. But don't come near me or try to fix something you broke with your bare hands.”

You felt the air that entered your body freeze your lungs. His piercing eyes and angry expression shattered any willpower you had collected since Steve left the room, but it was the way his voice broke as he was finishing speaking that took the words right out of your mouth.

“You could have simply listened to me and you didn't. That's all. There is nothing you can apologise for because you yourself decided, within your will, that your life mattered nothing compared to the goal of that fucking mission.”

His eyes wouldn't leave yours and you hated the way you felt the prior sting of tears make your vision blurrier each time because you didn't want to miss a single detail of his face. He was so angry, furious, disappointed and... desperate to let you know how you had made him feel.

“And I don't know if you do, but I don't see what excuse is good enough to justify that.”

The thread of tension you felt in the air was choking you and you didn't know what to do to stop the tears from escaping your eyes. You would have expected anything but such an explosion of rage against you. It wasn't normal for Bucky to have such outbursts, and it also seemed that he knew exactly what points to make because you suddenly felt helpless in the way he was exposing his thoughts about you. Which perhaps weren't far from the truth.

“I didn't want to give you an excuse,” you were barely able to reply, at the tense look he was giving you. Your mind was working hard to avoid touching on the subject he was apparently trying to bring up.

“I don't see how that's any better.”

“I just wanted to apologise. I know I was wrong, okay? I think about it every day since we got back and I know I made a mistake. But I didn't throw my life away by just thinking about accomplishing the mission.”

Bucky let out a raw, lazy laugh without a hint of humor. You felt a shiver run through your body and it was unwelcome.

“I bet you didn't even think about the possibility of getting out alive after you heard the first explosion and that didn't matter to you.”

“It wasn't like that!” you replied instantly, raising your voice to match his, your head suddenly panicking.

“You didn't care because you were only thinking about the mission!”

“But how could we come back empty-handed, Bucky!? All that effort and time to be left with nothing!? Wasn't that worse?”

“Of course not! What the fuck makes you think we'd prefer an inconclusive fucking lead on a team member's life?”

“For God's sake, Bucky Barnes!” you roared and turned away from the man, a wave of anger coursing through your body burning away any trace of sadness you might have felt just moments ago. You knew that feeling and it wasn't welcome. You knew this argument wasn't going to end well, but seeing the look on Bucky's face you knew he wasn't just going to walk away if you asked him to.

Even though your mind was focused on avoidance, you tried to prepare yourself for the possibility that you might end up saying things you shouldn't, too.

“And don't give me any fucking shit about how you knew everything was going to be okay because I don't believe you.”

“Well don't believe me,” you exclaimed turning to look at him. “Don't believe anything that comes out of my mouth if that's what you want. That's not going to erase the fact that I do regret not listening to you and risking my life like that.”

“Lies.”

You half-opened your lips, your face contorted in disbelief. It couldn't have been that easy for him…

“I just told you-”

“And less than twenty seconds ago you said how dare I even think about coming back empty-handed, instead of thinking about how I'd come back to tell the rest of the team that you were dead.”

“But I'm not dead.”

Bucky shook his head.

“Now, you're just telling me what I want to hear.”

“No, I'm telling you the truth.”

“You're not telling me anything, Y/N! Are you sorry for what you did? Good for you. But tell me something, would you do it differently if you had another chance?”

“What?”

“If you woke up tomorrow and we were on that mission again, me yelling at you to get out of the building, would you?”

You didn't even have to think twice to know the answer, but saying it out loud was much scarier than just being silent. Silence.

“I thought so.”

Still, even knowing you didn't have the upper hand in that fight, you tried to convince yourself otherwise.

“That doesn't explain anything, Bucky, I don't-”

“Stop lying already. If you really wanted to apologise to me you could have at least had the decency to tell the truth.”

“Fuck,” you muttered, the anger and irritability of your cowardice coming out to take it out on anyone but you. “You're a fucking genius then, aren't you? You know everything.”

“Well, it looks like you're the only one who doesn't.”

“You can't know what was going through my head at the time. You don't know everything!”

“Then fucking tell me: what were you thinking?”

Your mind went blank. And then words. Thoughts. Images. Nothing encouraging, nothing that would help your case. Again, fear came over you and you couldn't respond. You knew you were playing with fire, especially with him. Especially with the man who had learned to see beyond the cheerful, untroubled woman you were always trying to be.

“I was listening to you and I wanted to get out-”

“Then why didn't you?”

You didn't want him to keep pushing because you felt you wouldn't be able to keep running in the opposite direction. The weight of his words was more than the weight of your silence could bear. Silence.

“Now, with what face are you going to tell me you weren't lying?”

I'm sorry.

“This isn't fair.”

“Oh, so you're the one going through an injustice now. Funny.”

Your body felt his words hurt you, and too much, and instinctively your mind and your defence mechanisms leapt to take control of your words, even though you didn't mean to. Even though you knew you shouldn't because someone in that room was right and it wasn't you. Because you couldn't control the way your mind sought to get out and hide from the confrontations that questioned the way you lived. That was why you kept your distance. It was why you had boundaries with Bucky.

Damn the moment when you decided to believe what others said.

“Why does it matter now what happened back then? I'm here now, giving you an apology you don't want to accept just because I wanted to try to save what we had.”

Bucky raised his eyebrows and stood in a state of stupefaction for a few seconds. His eyes twitched and blinked rapidly as if his head didn't believe what he had heard and he mentally replayed it several times.

“What we had? What exactly did we have?”

“A friendship, Bucky! A mutual appreciation. A mutual respect.”

How you dare to talk about respect?

“Having a friendship implies that you worry and care about what the other person feels.”

Bucky watched you expectantly. His furious face gave no room for contradiction and you soon found yourself between a rock and a hard place. This man wasn't going to give up until he got what he wanted, and you didn't know how things would turn out when he did. You didn't speak, waiting for him to continue.

“When you were in that building, did you think about me, besides cursing me a thousand times for not letting you accomplish the mission while I was trying to save your life?”

Silence.

“Did you care, at any point, what would have become of me if you hadn't gotten out of that building?”

“Bucky, but that's not what-”

“Can you just answer…! Answer the fucking question.”

Silence.

“I… there was too much going on in my head at the same time.”

“But you weren't thinking about getting out of there!” he screamed.

“I thought I was a burden!" you screamed back, his hard stare breaking your self-control and you lowered your head. “I thought you always have to take care of me when I go on missions. I thought I don't really contribute anything important to the team. I thought I'd be a failure if I came back empty-handed when I was so close to making it. I thought… I thought nothing else mattered but accomplishing the mission.”

The last you admitted almost with shame. And though you struggled to think otherwise, your own mind accused you of not being strong enough to endure. You had to feel that shame because someone wasn't really supposed to know, not even for the fact that you had just admitted to him that you had crudely lied to him by excusing yourself behind a false apology, but because that was something that wasn't supposed to leave your head. Because they would always leave, they would abandon you, they wouldn't look back twice. And you were expectantly torn to see the moment when that would happen.

Bucky was just watching you. When you looked up to see him, you noticed that his angry expression had softened just a little. His gaze hovered over your figure for a few seconds until he let out a sigh.

“You've got a lot to work on, Y/N.”

And he left the room. You didn't try or think to stop him for a second. The stark truth of what you had said echoed off the walls and came back at you with such force that you feared it would tear you to pieces. But you did nothing about it. You let it come back because you didn't have the strength to move, you didn't have the strength to do more.

When you let your knees give way under the weight of your body, you curled up next to the couch and cried. You cried as if having said that to Bucky, finally getting those thoughts you tried every day to suppress out, had activated a little reason in your mind. As if, suddenly, you could no longer pretend that everything was all right and try to hide things behind a smile and a story.

You couldn't live your whole life believing that you could live behind a charade, after all.

#bucky fanfic #james bucky barnes #james barnes #winter soldier #bucky fic #james buchanan barnes #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes #bucky imagine #bucky angst #bucky barnes angst #bucky x female reader #bucky fluff #bucky x reader #bucky x you #avengers #marvel #the outbreak

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lillysilvermoon · 1 year

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What your Future Spouse will admire about you?

Pile 1

Your reading is SO BEAUTIFUL Pile 1, really😭😭

First of all: you have a very feminine energy (high priestess) which is like kryptonite for man🤣😁. You see, the hight priestess have a profound connection with God/Goddess. She believes everyone has their own inner guidance to lead them to their true potential. And you do this! You trust your intuition, follow your heart and your instincts and this makes your s.p just go crazy, I feel like he is very logical and he admires your away of leadership, in your own away (doesn't matter if you realize this or not) you are a leader, you inspire people without even realizing it. With you, he feels healed, you just bring so much peace, calmness and joy to him. And talking about joy: you have a childlike personality, you inner child is very happy and free, you know when it's time to be silly (happy dance) and he admires this in you, you bring his child side and makes he feels comfortable to play and just be silly with you. I feel like my heart will explode of joy right now so I think that's how he feels with you, and this makes he admire you a lot because at the same time you are a very elegant, femine and wise, very responsible you ALSO are fun to be with, you know how to play and you have this magic to him. (He loves you so very much I just can't 😭💗).

And you are confident, I feel you have the mindset of "what is mine will find me" so if something goes wrong you just drive to overcome the obstacle in a positive way. When you have a goals, you work with very fierce energy to bring them to fruition (but the thing is: you do all fo this in a very feminine, gentle and fun way, and he just admires you incredible for this).

Signs: jupiters placements, Gemini, cancer and aries and number's 6,9,5 and 8 (I think cancer's placements are important because cancer's symbol looks like a 69 and you had this two numbers. Cam also be dates or months), books, library, education, parks, lakes and flowers. (And music!!!!!! Omg I think it's important to youu or them, maybe he'll communicate his feelings by songs)

P.S: I was going to pile two but I just heard this: you help them to heal his inner child in some way, and this is something very very important to them and by extension to y'all relationship.

P.S²: I was again going to Pile two- but here it is: he admires you for that because, I feel like this problem with his inner child maybe has affected in a negative way his others relationships and you, somehow, handle this really easy, you don't even realize actually (and I just saw he looking to any place in particular think about this and feeling genuinely happy)

Blonde and redhead for some feel here.

Pile 2

Finally I'm here, hello pile 2♡ let's get into your reading shall we?

Calmness. You are so calm, even in the worst situations, you maintain a sense of peace (or try your best to!). I see here that you have multiple interests and you try to balance all of them and other areas of your life, but you don't stress yourself with this. It's like, if doesn't work it's fine, cause you are adaptable and flexible (and he REALLY admires this because I feel like your future Spouse has a tiny-bit-tittie problem with control (wink nod) and you are kind of the opposite lmao, he see you having all this interests and priorities but... it's not a obligation like "omg I HAVE to do ALL" no. You want to do all, but it's okay if don't work some days, he admires you organization and the way you management your time and schedule. I feel your s.p like calm and stable people, he doesn't like unnecessary drama in his life and you just have this flow, if something doesn't work you just be flexible and this is important too: you think before make decisions! 100% not reactive, you think and go inwards before choosing anything. And you have a introspective side that he just loves too much.

I feel like you are someone who brings them peace love and very good advices when needed (after all no one likes be with someone who just complains, fight for every minimal thing, always need to be right to feel "respected" etc, he admires the peace bring with you.) I feel he deals with a lot of stress in his work place and when he sees you... it's too good, like a oasis.

Signs: poems, tea, wind place, scorpio, leo, sagittarius, venus, Saturn, Uranus and Neptune placements are important, numbers 7, 11 and 12 (can be days, months or house in astrology; 7 represents love and commercial partnerships and our relation with public, 11 it's ruled by Saturn and Uranus (definitely a lot of air sign) and talks about flow, strong thinking and important of expansion and 12 it's the house of our unconscious, fears, dreams and spirituality)

Pile 3

I feel like you give a lot of importance to material possessions, you don't act like "Oh money isn't important blablabla" you know money is important, you work to have a good life, to you things like good education, good house in a great neighborhood, travel to have fun but to also acquire culture and knowledge, good clothes with quality. This are important too you (is giving me old money mindset vibes and if you don't know about it, and I'm NOT talking about the "old money" from Tiktok - I highly recommend the "The Old Money Book: Living better while spending less" to you, it's very short has 158 pages) but you don't live FOR money, the money is your servant not your master!

He admires how you always seem to have a behavior like "this is only temporary and shall pass soon" when something bad or uncomfortable happens, and he really admires this. You have a very outgoing personality, full of energy and optimism (and you have some kind of sex appeal but in a elegant way), you are not afraid to work to have the things you desire, your energy is very positive and uplifting (I feel like your future Spouse enjoys SO MUCH talk to you, he loves to see you so determined to get the things you want and he has this feeling that you two will evolve and grow together.

Also: you are a generous soul, with money and with your time, love and affection and wisdom. Maybe you are into some charity, you are very loving and loyal and this... big turn on to them, I think it's honestly the thing he admires most about you, your personality, your values. You like a rare jewel to them.

Signs: VERY strong water placements, pisces, scorpio and cancer, moon, sun and Mars placements (makes so much sense because mars rules goals) numbers 6, 5, 4 and 8 (can be days, months or house. 6 its concrete and practical knowledge, it's also associated to cleanse, maintenance, work capacity and routine service's (again: makes so much sense, you guys value quality and take care of what you have so last longer, don't have need to buy new things), 5 it's you creative side, what gives you pleasure, 4 it's what we have most profound in us and 8 transition of life and things, ending of cycles).

Hope y'all like this reading, it's my first reading related to love and I'm so happy, I had so much fun doing this and hope you guys too. See you in the next reading.

Xoxo

- Lia

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heavyhitterheaux · 3 months

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The Marriage Pact Part 6

To Love and to Cherish

AN: It's been a while, but here we go!

Synopsis: Jack’s priority is making sure that you're okay despite your protests and wanting him to keep his distance. Life gets harder for him without you, and he soon comes to a realization that this might have to be his new normal

Pairing: Ex-Fiance!Jack Harlow x Ex-Fiancée!Reader

The Marriage Pact Masterlist

Please Do Not Repost My Content Anywhere

Jack was in a daze as he took the steps two at a time after grabbing his keys in order to get to his car. All he could do at this point was hope and pray that you and the baby were okay and he couldn't also help but think that this was entirely his fault. If he had simply done what you asked him to do and been honest from the very beginning, more than likely this wouldn't have happened and the two of you would have been in a good place.

Now it seemed like everything was getting worse by the second.

He got to the hospital in less than ten minutes and stopped at the front desk to find out where you were. Once he got to your room, he walked in to see that your eyes were closed and there were two small cuts, one next to your eye and one below it. Other than that you looked to have been perfectly fine which he was more than thankful for.

Hearing his footsteps, you peeked your right eye open and quickly sighed seeing who it was. He was the absolute last person on earth that you wanted to see, but knew that his coming was inevitable.

“Babe…” He started to say as he reached for you before you immediately cut him off.

“I don't want to hear it.”

“Y/N, I don’t care what you want or don't want to hear. I told you that I didn't want you leaving and now look at what happened. I damn near got into an accident myself trying to get to you to make sure that you were okay!” Jack said clearly frustrated about how you were acting towards him.

“Oh, so it's my fault?”

“That didn't come out of my mouth so where did you even get that from?”

“I really do not want to be around you right now. Wasn't me leaving in the middle of your tour not clear enough? Because if not, I can start from the beginning and call off a list of things that you've done to piss me off.”

“I get it. I get that you’re mad at me and for good reason, but I still need to make sure you're okay and did you forget that you're pregnant now? So that means that I now have two people to worry about.”

“How can I forget when I'm literally throwing up all day, every day? Kind of hard not to.”

“I just… wanted to see if you and the baby were okay. What even happened? And you clearly are, since you’re arguing with me.”

“They're fine. Someone ran a red light and hit me and my car is done for. Now you can leave.” You shot back as you turned to your side to face away from him.

“I'm not going anywhere. I don't give a damn how mad you are at me right now, I'm staying with you to make sure you're okay. Despite what you may think right now, I…” He trailed off and you suddenly looked at him because it caught your attention.

“What were you going to say?”

“I'm still trying to wrap my mind around you telling me that I only asked you to marry me out of desperation when I love you and would do anything for you and you know that. Anything you ask of me I do it for you.”

“Except being completely honest with me.”

“I wish that we could start completely over, but what's done is done and I'm sorry that I betrayed your trust. But, baby you have to believe me when I say that you are the only person that I want. Whatever you need me to do to repair our relationship, I'm willing to do it.”

“I… just don't even know what I need you to do at this point. I think as hard as a decision that this may be, I need to take a step back from you and this relationship.”

“You… you can't be serious. You're pregnant!” Jack exclaimed while gesturing to your belly and you looked at him dumbfounded.

“And? Is that supposed to change anything?”

“It changes literally EVERYTHING. Just please let me fix this. I promise-”

You immediately cut him off not wanting to hear another word.

“You have broken literally every single promise that you have made me since we got engaged and I don't think I even know the person standing in front of me right now and you have no idea how much that hurts me.” You quietly told him as you felt tears prick the corners of your eyes.

“Y/N… you aren't about to say what I think you’re about to say because….”

“I'm breaking up with you and whatever this is or was is over. I'm not going to manage you anymore either. Let Neelam do it because I'm done. I'm not competing for a spot in your life anymore.”

“Y/N you don't mean that! You don't have to compete for anything. It's you, it's always been you. Baby, please don't do this. I will literally-”

“Do anything? Jackman, you've done enough. Too much actually. I love you and you know I always will. But I just… for my peace of mind, my heart can't take being with you right now until you get your shit together.”

“So, you don't want to marry me anymore?” Jack asked and you could see the tears in the corners of his eyes. As much as you wanted for things to go back the way that they were, you couldn't.

“I never said that. I think right now that's not the best idea for either of us. We need to be on the same page and right now we aren't.”

“What can I do to get you to change your mind? I… there has to be something.”

“I'm still going to be in your life, I'm not walking away completely. You did get me pregnant after all.”

“But we won't be together?”

You simply shook your head no at Jack and you were determined to stand your ground and not back down. As much as you wanted to forgive him and be wrapped in his arms, you knew that you deserved better and until he was able to give you that, there was absolutely no reason for the two of you to be together.

You had to let him know that this wasn't acceptable anymore and that if he wanted the two of you to be together that something had to give.

“Baby, please.” Jack pleaded with you as a few tears began to fall, but all you did in response was slip off your engagement ring and hold out your hand towards him as hard as it was and waited for him to take it.

Not believing what he was seeing, he simply shook his head.

“It's rightfully yours, so I want you to keep it. You're the one that I bought it for.”

“Please understand that this doesn't mean that I don't love you because that is as far from the truth as ever.” You quietly said as you grabbed his hand to squeeze it and all he did was nod.

“But we cannot be married and our relationship consists of hiding things from one another.” You added and Jack nodded in agreement.

“And I also have to be able to trust you wholeheartedly. That's my biggest thing.” You continued as Jack started making small circles on the back of your hand.

“I promise to give you all the space and time you need.”

It had been weird.

Weird without you being around Jack and you honestly didn't know how to feel.

He had moved around a few tour dates so that he was able to stay with you for a few days despite your protests. However, he wasn't taking no for an answer.

The very next morning after your car accident, you sent Chris a letter detailing your decision of not managing Jack anymore and ultimately leaving Generation Now. It was rushed and could have been written better, but in your mind the quicker that you got it done, the less likely you would change your mind about your decision. Chris was soon blowing up your phone, but you didn't bother answering it because you knew that he was going to try and convince you to change your mind.

Everything would now be on Neelam's shoulders since you were out of the picture. You didn't wish ill of her or that she would fail at her job because at the end of the day, Jack would be affected. As much as you were upset at him because of his actions, you never wanted anything like that to happen.

The last day that he spent with you before flying back to Europe was somewhat awkward. That was a first because this was the person that you spent the majority of your time with since birth and there had never been a dull moment between the two of you.

This was the first time in his career that you wouldn't be with him and he didn't quite know how to feel about it. As he was getting ready to leave, he simply leaned down to kiss your forehead and lightly caressed your cheek since you were sleeping.

He figured that it would be harder for him to leave in the morning so he decided to leave in the middle of the night. It would be harder because he would physically have to say goodbye to you face to face and he wasn't ready for that. But, he did leave a note for you that you would hopefully see once you woke up.

Y/N,

I had to leave when you were sleeping because it would have been ten times harder for me if not. I take full responsibility for what has happened between us and I hope one day that you can forgive me. It's going to be hard not seeing and being around you every day, but I told you that I would give you all of the space and time that you need. I want you to have a healthy pregnancy for our baby and in order for that to happen, I will do anything you ask because stressing you out is the last thing that I want to do. I love you so much and please understand that I never meant for any of this to happen. I want you to be able to trust me and know that you are my priority. I’m going to prove to you that you made the right choice in saying yes to marrying me and I will wait for however long it takes. We’re going to get through this and I’ll text you when I land.

Love, Jack

Two months or so had passed and you were out at lunch with Maggie and she quickly asked how you were feeling seeing as you were now in month four. Jack would be present at every doctor's appointment either in person or on facetime if he wasn't near Louisville. As much as he wanted to cancel the rest of his tour and stay with you, you wouldn't let him. He worked entirely too hard all year to not see the entire thing through. Your belly was small, but there was definitely something there. Jack had sent a text early this morning to check on you and see how you were feeling and you kept it short and sweet.

You weren't mad at him, not anymore.

But he was far from being in your good graces.

Extremely far.

The two of you were discussing plans about the baby and you told her that when the two of you left that you were actually going to go and do a little light shopping as you were probably going to get a few outfits along with some toys knowing that you will get more than enough when the baby shower rolled around.

“Y/N, where's your ring?” Maggie asked you, catching you off guard as you were showing her the theme that you wanted to do for the baby's room.

You glanced down to look at your bare finger and silently cursed to yourself, forgetting to put it on this morning knowing that she was bound to ask questions.

As far as both of your families knew, the wedding was still on even though that couldn't have been further from the truth. Jack pleaded and begged for you to proceed with it, but you wanted nothing to do with him until he got his shit together.

“And don't lie to me.” Maggie added while eyeing you seeing as you still hadn't responded to her.

“Getting married isn't the best idea for us right now.” You quietly said while playing with your bracelet to distract you.

“Since when?” Maggie asked while trying to get down to the bottom of how her future daughter in law was feeling.

“Sometimes the fairytale turns into a nightmare, but luckily I was able to wake up.” You quietly said before taking a swig of your sprite.

“What did my big headed son do?” Was all you heard as a sigh escaped from her.

“It doesn't even matter at this point. But, just know that I had to take a step back from him. Not because I wanted to, because I needed to.”

“Just know that I'm always going to be here for you. No matter what.” She said while grabbing your hand and squeezing it.

“I appreciate that and I'm going to need it more than ever.”

“And why is that?”

“Jack isn't the only one with talent and I'm done managing him and being in the background. It's my turn to do something for myself.”

–

Jack was high key annoyed and he couldn't wait until the tour was over so that he would be able to go home to Louisville and be with you full time. Well not be with you, obviously since you hadn't forgiven him yet, but he would be closer to you than he was at this very moment. He had gotten a week off during his tour and immediately flew back to Louisville to see you, he sent a text first to let you know he was there and if it was okay to come and see you. By then, you had moved back into your condo, not wanting to be around anything that reminded you of Jack, even though that proved to be impossible.

Neelam was doing a terrible job taking over what you used to do and it had Jack stressed to the tenth level. He was just informed that she had double booked him for something…. again. This had to be the third or fourth time and he was tired of it.

She looked just as stressed as he was and he knew it was an adjustment for her now doing this full time, but something had to give.

“I never had this problem when Y/N was here. Neelam, we cannot keep doing this. How am I supposed to be in two places at once?” He quietly said and all she did was sigh.

“Well I was just thrown into this and now I'm completely by myself so give me some grace and have a little patience.” She shot back as she was scribbling down notes for something.

“You weren't thrown into anything, you had a general idea of what to do and what not to do.”

“Well if you don't want me here, call Y/N since she can obviously do my job a lot better than I can.” Neelam replied frustrated at the attitude that Jack was giving her.

“She doesn't want to talk to me or manage me anymore so you're it.” He muttered as he opened his phone to the text thread between the two of you. Talking every day had basically become non-existent, but he still made sure to check on you a few times a week. At this point, he would take anything that he could get because at least you were talking to him.

But he did make sure to tell you that he loved you in one way, shape, or form every day.

Neelam instantly felt bad once Jack came back and didn't have you with him. Suddenly everything was on her and she highly doubted that you would be willing to help her if she asked you.

Jack had been in a depressed state, which was fair given the circumstances, but he definitely made her job harder most days. She knew that he missed you and knew that you in not so many words broke up with him, were pregnant and did not have a plan on getting back with him any time soon.

Thinking that Jack needed a little pick me up and hoping that you would agree to het idea, she had to work up the nerve to call you later once he was on stage.

“I'll do my best to be better, okay? Chris wouldn't have hired me if I couldn't do my job.”

“It's whatever. I'm going to lay down until I have to head to the venue.”

Neelam quickly nodded and used this as an opportunity to call you once Jack was out of earshot.

She was surprised that you picked up on the second ring.

“Hello?”

“Uh, hey Y/N. It's Neelam.”

“I know, I have caller id. What do you want?” You asked her as you were moving around in your bedroom trying to tidy it up.

“Look, I'm sorry for the way that things went down between us and I overstepped when I shouldn't have.”

“Okay.”

“Um, Jack is just….”

“Just what?” You asked as you stopped in your tracks thinking that something was wrong.

“He needs you, like really needs you. It went from bad to worse, and I just don't know what to do anymore. He barely leaves his bed most days.”

“And what am I supposed to do all the way in Louisville?”

“Well maybe just talk to him? Or even come and see him?”

“And say what Neelam? He made his bed and now he has to lie in it and deal with the consequences. I love him and he knows that I love him, but every time that he has a problem, I cannot always run to him and save the day. He doesn't have much longer and he's just going to have to deal with it as harsh as that may sound.”

“Well can you just think about it? That might be what he needs to finish this out strong.”

“I'll see him once he gets back to Louisville. Talk to you later.”

As Jack was in his hotel room laying down and staring at the ceiling, there was a knock on his door. Removing the comforter from his body, he made his way over to the door and opened it to see Urban staring back at him.

“Uh hey.” Urban quietly said as Jack moved to the side to let him in.

Ever since Jack returned from being with you in Louisville, Urban was trying to be as supportive as he possibly could. He necessarily didn't see this coming the way that everything went down, but he wasn't going to throw it in his best friend's face when he was already not at his best. This what he had been afraid of from the very beginning.

Urban sat down on the couch that was in the far left corner of the room as Jack came and sat next to him.

“What if she changed her mind and doesn't want to marry me anymore?” Jack asked as he broke the silence.

“Did she tell you that?”

“No, but I can't be so sure. I didn't cherish her and I took the love that she has for me for granted. I told her that I would give her as much space and time that she needs, but we're about to have an entire kid and she can barely stand to be in the same room as me.”

“Just give her time. This is Y/N that we're talking about. You know the one who has known you since you were eight days old?”

“As much as I want to, I don't think that giving her time will be enough.”

#jack harlow #jack harlow fic #jack harlow concepts #jack harlow x reader #jack harlow x black reader #jack harlow fanfic #jack harlow fluff #jack harlow imagine #jack harlow angst #jack harlow imagines #jackman thomas harlow

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undiscovered-horizon · 1 year

Text

Ah, wonderful choice, Little Wanderer! Browse the stories, take your time. If there is something else you would like to read, just come back to me. If you don’t find what you’re looking for, make a request to the librarian.

>>Grishaverse-inspired playlist<<

1. Kaz Brekker

➳ "Old dog, new tricks" -> Looking for someone to give you a quote on a stolen painting, you run into an old friend who's less than happy with your way of life.

➳ "The clockmaker, the crow and the mantis" -> Kaz becomes part of an assassin's conspiracy to uncover who paid to have him killed.

➳ "Return to sender" -> When an old admirer continues to bother you with his letters, Kaz makes it his priority to put the fiasco to a stop.

➳ "Apple tree" -> Kaz sometimes hums a melody no one can recognize. The one who sang it to him has bewitched him as much as the tune.

➳ "Agnus Dei" -> You're a Grisha hiding from the Black General. When you reveal your power to save the Crows, Kaz must make a decision: your life or theirs? ➳ "O Rubor Sanguinis" -> Facing the Black General, you must choose whether to do the smart thing or the one you truly crave. Kaz shows affection, just not with words.

➳ "Amendmends" -> Two of your thugs get into a fight at the Crow's club, so you go apologize in person to ensure there won't be any retaliation. Kaz seems suspiciously happy at having the infamous Golden Panther indebted to him. ➳ "Amendments II: The Panther and the Duckling" -> The day comes when you can repay Kaz Brekker with the help of the mysterious "Duckling". Kaz claims you're infuriating but there might be more to his confusing feelings than he realises.

➳ "Espionage" -> You and Kaz pretend to be engaged so you can get him into a banquet and from there - to a safe.

➳ "Four Crow Investigation" -> After Nina notices Kaz's heartbeat quicken when you're around, she recruits three friends to investigate your relationship. ➳ "Four Crow Investigation II: Lovebirds' Outfox" -> Aware of your friends' nosiness, you and Kaz ensure they have hardly believable gossip to share.

➳ "Could you ever fall in love with me?" / "I can’t even fall asleep." -> angst blurb

➳ "Embroidery" -> When his glove gets torn, you're more than happy to sew it back together and add a little detail of your own.

2. Nikolai Lantsov

➳ "Little Sun" -> Return to the sanctuary means a reunion with his beloved Солныщко. Kisses and slaps are exchanged.

➳ "Sparring" -> You face him in an army sparring match. Despite his noble title, Nikolai can't stop himself from sharing suggestive remarks.

➳ "Man of Faith" -> Nikolai's interest in the Sun Summoner makes you jealous but being the sweetheart he is, he's quick to reassure you about his devotion.

➳ "Femme fatale" -> When you reveal how you won the suspiciously heavy bag of coins, Nikolai is overwhelmed with anger at the thought of you being intimate with another man.

➳ "The King and the Swallow" -> Unexpected reunion with his childhood friend and the sworn protector of the royal family takes a dramatic turn when Nikolai inquires about her uncharacteristic, cold demeanour. Confessions are shared - the good ones and the bad ones alike.

➳ "Cinderella" -> Nikolai is a party person, you're not. But he's also a fool in love, so when you quietly disappear, he wastes no time finding you.

➳ "In Emerald Hearts, Emerald Minds" -> When Vasily asks you to forget his half-brother and marry him instead, you escape the Little Palace along Alina. Nikolai realizes something strange is going on when Kaz mentions seeing a similar emerald ring on the woman that came with the Sun Summoner. With how much you and Nikolai have been running in circles to find each other, the reunion aboard Volkvolny feels almost fated.

➳ "Sea shanties" -> Alina witnesses Sturmhond's love for his boatswain. Hurting yourself while fixing the net leads to singing sea shanties and Sturmhond almost kissing the love of his life.

➳ "Who am I to complain?" -> When your parents come to visit, Nikolai finally understands why you've never been keen to talk about them. Being the King and your husband, he isn't afraid to defy them.

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prince-liest · 7 months

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what I love most about your 666 vox is that even though he and alastor make an olympic sport out of bending the boundaries of "safe and sane" sex, he seems to VERY firmly believe in the "consensual" part... him letting go of alastor the SECOND he uses his safe word, holding himself back when alastor can't handle touch during his rut, all that stuff. so what would his reaction be if the events of bus stop happened in the same verse and he learned about what valentino did? I know you mentioned it in another ask before but it's been rotating in my mind for days lol - ✨

Alright, y'all get the long and serious answer for this one! >:) Buckle up, buttercups! And thank you SO much for your kind words! <3

I genuinely think that Vox is a fairly shitty person who does not typically particularly care about the violation of consent. He is so free not just with lying, selling spyware, and enabling enabling Valentino, but also with dominating people's will with his hypnosis in his introduction. I think that, if anything, he gets a power trip out of it and he sees what Valentino does, generally, as an extension of that! They're the Vees! They're powerful, they're winning, they have Pentagram City wrapped around their fingers!

However, in 666, his view of Alastor and the fact that Alastor lets him do things is obsessive and borderline worshipful, in, like, a fucked up sadomasochistic way! 666 is written from Alastor's POV so you get to see a lot of his own emotional progression with regard to how he views Vox, but on Vox's end, he's also seeing Alastor differently. He would not be able to genuinely think that he's fallen in love with Alastor if he wasn't able to get past being worshipfully infatuated with him first. He's still obsessive, but especially after O.T.O Special 6.66, Now Streaming: The Birds and the Bees, Natural Wonders! (aka. the rut fic, I know, my fucking titles—) where Alastor starts offering Vox more genuine vulnerability without the looming threat of his shadow, he sees Alastor as more of an actual person rather than a celebrity figure to fight or fuck or both.

Which means that, before Vox made that transition, he would probably be pissed that Valentino ruined his chances to get up to more shit with Alastor. He is very careful with regards to Alastor's consent in the first two installations of 666 because he's extremely aware of how easily Alastor could withdraw it, and how little Vox could do about that. He's not willing to lose Alastor after the taste he's finally had! He's practically manic about finally getting what he wants!

After he's developed more genuine feelings for Alastor (and Alastor has moved solidly into being one of the relatively few people that Vox registers as not just being an NPC or untouchable raid boss in his life), he would be... absolutely fucking mortified, I think. The empathy would fucking suck! That's why he prefers not to have it for most people!

But the thing is, he also loves Val. He has history with Val. And he knows what Val is like. I think he would be less actually, genuinely, overtly angry at Valentino in this scenario than he would have been if he'd just seen Val as ruining his big break with Alastor. He'd make a show of it, sure, but how the hell can he really blame Valentino when he genuinely wouldn't have given (has never given) half of a shit if it had actually been Angel Dust?

And he also knows what Alastor is like. I think his decision would be forced by the fact that despite what happened, Alastor is alive and Valentino is very much about to not be. In a triage situation, one of those people is by default a higher priority.

Alastor, of course, would never forgive that. He would also never forgive the fact that Vox knows what happened—and knows it in a universe where Alastor had dared allow Vox liberties and slowly, eventually, trusted him not to abuse them.

Like I said! It would absolutely nuke the relationship, and I think Alastor would put a great deal of effort into turning all of V Tower and its inhabitants, likely especially Vox, even moreso than Valentino, into so much rubble and a wet smear on the ground.

#ask #personal #sparkle anon #hazbin hotel #radiostatic #meta #alastor #vox #valentino #rape mention #long post #my writing #666 live on air

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mrs-monaghan · 10 months

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Hi, Shaz. I really love your opinions here but I have to disagree with you on the MS thing. Here is why.

For me,them enlisting together is a bit of a red flag. What I mean is it's not just brave, it's really out there. And for them to do it, there has to be more important reason than ''Oh we can't stay away from each other". They are grown ass men who's been together for a long time now so I really doubt that they are worried about not seeing each other every day. They are not teenagers. And for sure there first priority would be SAFETY. Also I think they know waaay more about situation in MS from other idols, their friends who already served, and I'm sure they heard about other idols treatment (especially from LGBTQ community) something that is not publicly known to us, but maybe some more information from people within.

So I think something made JK or Jimin so scared or so worried about possible treatment of the other (and I do think it's JK who is alwasy overprotective of JM) that they went with the nuclear option.

And I do believe that it's a nuclear option, because now they will be even under more scrutiny than if they would have gone separately. So this was a well thought out in advance decision but not just out of love, but also for security reasons.

PS let's face it, out of all the members they do tend to have the most unstable fans. And also I doubt that people who enjoy r*ping other people really care if one is a mega superstar or not. If anything, for some that might be even a bigger turn on. Sorry did not intend to make it this dark(

But this decision to me speaks volume not about how government will treat JK and JM (of course they will do everything they can so nothing went wrong)

but how JK and JM see the situation and how they think it is safer to go together rather than apart.

It's still just my opinion though. I hope I'm totally wrong.

Oh anon I agree with you. Taemin and Jimin were so close they were moving like BFFs one time. And as we've seen this year they're still pretty damn close. So I would bet everything Taemin opened up to Jimin about what happened to him in there. And as we both know these two men don't exactly scream "straight"

So I can see Jimin, his family and JK being worried about him in there. I can see it. But I can also see Jimin thinking he would be fine and JK saying; no fucking way. And now he gets to keep and eye on Jimin, protect him if need be. Not that black belt Jimin is a damsel in distress but y'all get what I mean...

Either way anon they will be there for eo and support eo. But I still stand by my... well, stand that no one will try anything.

#ask shaz #bts ask #jikook #kookmin #minkook #jimin and jungkook #jikook military

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theredhairedmonkey · 3 months

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ain't no way you just said "murder is bad, killing in self defense is not. lying is bad, lying to protect someone is not." killing will always be a bad thing. lying, too. but that can't make someone a bad person. one of the greatest parts about tdp--callum's character in particular--is the nuance and grey area and "not everything is black and white" messages, and you could not have made it more obvious how you don't understand that.

callum is not a murderer and he is not "a liar." yet, you are so determined to make him absolutely perfect that you dumbed down a fact of life and literally justified murder so long as it's "self defense," full stop. black and white, huh?

Callum is not perfect. He's reckless, impatient, and at least a bit naive about the challenges of doing the "right thing."

Which is a perfect segway to here - if you want to say that "killing will always be a bad thing," go right ahead. Like, you're wrong, but at least this is cogent stance you can take. But you can't believe that AND also say "not everything is black and white." Either killing is always a bad thing (i.e. black and white) or context matters (i.e. the nuance and grey area).

you dumbed down a fact of life and literally justified murder so long as it's "self defense."

Lol, yes I am the one dumbing down a fact of life that self-defense is a justification for causing someone's death. It's totally not a literal fact of life that self-defense is widely recognized as a justification for killing. It's still a weighty and serious and tragic thing to do, but it is by no means immoral to defend yourself.

By the way noticed how in the original post I said murder was wrong but killing in self-defense is not? I'm not justifying murder - which is by definition an "unjustified killing" - but to say that "killing is always bad fullstop" is a pretty tenuous and not-nuanced position to take.

I do agree with you, though, that the moral greyness is one of the best parts of the show. The moralizing and cherry-picking of Callum's actions (and exclusively Callum's actions), however, is one of the worst. As I've pointed out before, it's only Callum who is held to an impossibly high (and occasionally incoherent) moral standard. Not Ezran (who gave the throne to Viren), and not Rayla (where do I even start).

If Callum is going to be held to an unforgiving standard and relentlessly criticized for any misstep, it's reasonable to ask why other characters seem exempt from comparable scrutiny. Ezran and Rayla have also made momentous decisions with serious consequences that warrant moral analysis or at least moral reflection. I love moral discussions about the show as the next person, but when it's clear it's just a cudgel to go after one particular character, I'm going to call it out.

And keep in mind, all of this is misplaced moralizing is happening while Word of God confirms that, yes, Callum was motivated by doing the "right thing" in 5x08. That should prompt fascinating questions about what it means to act rightly in impossible situations, how to weigh competing moral priorities, and whether commitment to principle can justify terrible costs (i.e. is it worth it for Callum to keep his hands clean if it directly leads to someone dying).

Questions which are routinely ignored because it does not fit the "morally dubious Callum" mold who is not motivated by principle, only by the lives of an extremely tiny group of people at the exclusion of everything else. God forbid Callum gets to have morals that he tries to stick to.

#tdp #the dragon prince #callum #rayla #ezran #rayllum #primal magic #dark magic #responding to this on the off chance nonny is not just raayllum

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vickyvicarious · 11 months

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Do you think Jonathan's week of silence has to do with his mental state like it did back in June? We know that Seward is silent because you cannot exactly carry your desktop computer to Bulgaria, and Mina is busy having to keep her mind in total secrecy to write updates about anything, but Jonathan is free to write, but doesn't.

...It now also occurs to me that Jonathan must be keeping his journal always on his person, for Mina-Dracula to not take it and read it. Just like in the Castle.

Yes and no. I mean, on the one hand, yeah he's definitely in a rough space right now and I think him refusing to write certain things definitely reflects that. He has to ensure there is a record of anything significant, but he can't bring himself to be the one to write it - I'm talking 11 October here. He made sure Jack wrote it down, which lets us know what happened, but we can only work off Jonathan's silence in not writing it himself (as well as his silence when asked to promise) to decide exactly how he feels about it. It's obvious he's upset but there's not the blatant "and I did not answer her" that we might've seen when reading his own account.* Since he's not alone like he was in the castle, he can afford to outsource the most agonizing events to others and know they will still be preserved. He didn't write Mina's account of the assault on 3 October either, or his own experience when he was kept asleep for that matter. Instead he left that to Jack's record and picked up with what they did afterwards.

But he has written since those moments, after all, when there was something to report. The week-long silence comes after those entries. I think this can still be compared pretty easily to his long silences in the castle... because, along with reflecting his despair, they also reflected long stretches where the situation didn't really change. Sure, it was just as awful. Jonathan and Dracula were still having storytime just about every night. Dracula was still doing his creepy touching. But I genuinely don't believe anything new happened, just stuff that was continuing established patterns. Since Jonathan wasn't getting any new information, he didn't feel the same need to put it in the record. Part of that was certainly that he would feel even more disheartened having to write "mentally & emotionally tormented again today. felt like a rat in a cage again today. chicken for dinner and the count took my arm to lead me in and I felt such intense revulsion I nearly yanked myself away but his grip was just on the edge of not painful and I know what his grip can become so I made myself smile at him instead. again." and so on, day after day. Part of it was certainly that he didn't have the hope/strength to write. Part of it was even likely him trying to preserve room in his likely limited diary space. But also... I think it's just that as soon as Jonathan writes for a purpose, he doesn't put in entries that don't further that purpose.

His purpose in the castle was to document what the fuck was going on with the Count, and also to record his own attempts at escape. When Dracula didn't display any new behaviors and Jonathan himself saw no new avenues to try and risk anything... we gets days and days of silence.

Right now... I think I said this in the tags of a post a few days ago. Jonathan's heart and head are entirely focused on Mina and Dracula right now. In opposing ways, obviously, love vs. hatred, desire to protect vs. desire to destroy, and so on and so forth. But he's focused on them. His purpose for writing is to record what is going on with the hunt for Dracula so that Mina can read it. He will also write about her condition, but I'd say that's almost a lesser priority because his decision on what to do if she turns is made so her continuing to slowly turn doesn't signify anything new for him in a sense. And of course, she'd know it through experience (and he would be there by her side throughout it) whereas the Dracula hunt stuff is what has been kept from her and thus will interest her to know once she can be told things again. But regardless, if Jonathan isn't writing then I think we can assume it is because, just like in the castle, the situation hasn't changed. Dracula is still on the ship. Mina is still sleeping a lot. The men have put their plan into place and currently nothing about it has changed, so there's no need for an update.

As soon as something changes, we'll start hearing from him again. Or at least, he will ensure we hear from someone; he will once again deputize Jack to write it for him if the changes are something he doesn't feel like he can bring himself to talk about.

*(Speaking of, this feels like it goes along with "She is calling to me." He will always answer her call - except that time. Except when she isn't asking him to join her but to kill her. Then he just sits silently.)

As for your thought about Jonathan always keeping his journal on him again.... OUCH, okay. I don't think that Mina has reached the point of being puppeteered in such a way, but they have certainly passed the point of 'if she sees/hears it even accidentally then he'll know too' so that would be reason enough. I also cannot make up my mind whether Jonathan would be the last person to consider such a thing, because he loves Mina so much and wants to deny that Dracula could so fully control her like that... or whether he would be the first person to think of it because he knows the Count so well. Either way, the comparison is fantastic angst.

#dracula daily #jonathan harker #anonymous #replies

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spinningbuster98 · 1 month

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Since yesterday we talked about my *favorite* story: I think what really confuses me about the NFCV fans who defend Hector's writing by praising his final action, letting Lenore go, as the rightful conclusion of his character arc... is that it only works if you completely memory hole S3.

Hector is introduced as someone who burned his own parents alive after a childhood of abuse, bitter enough to believe humanity needed to be culled. From this perspective, him learning to forgive Lenore, or at least granting her mercy and dignity, could be a good character development. But Hector through the show was not written to be bitter, vengeful and violent: that was Isaac.

Or alternatively, Hector's biggest flaw is that he needs to be loved, so much that his favorite spell is reanimating dead animals so that they could love him unconditionally. He forces those creatures to him. He keeps this behavior by clinging to Dracula, then Carmilla (he could have ran away, he chose to stay with her after Dracula's death), then Lenore (after Carmilla's death and Isaac making him live, Lenore became his only certainty in life). From this perspective, him not forcing Lenore to live an existence she didn't want to live, but accepting her decision, could be poignant. But Hector never actively sought anyone: he was swayed and lured in. Besides, his pets stopped being relevant after S2.

Hector's arc was one of passivity. You can't miss it: even Isaac points out that Hector lacked agency. Hector spent his entire arc being thrown around left and right, lied to, beaten, humiliated, dehumanized, and he simply... existed. He has no objective, he barely has any negative emotions. Hector in S3 was a blow up doll, and we audience were meant to laugh at his stupidity while jerking off over the submissive and breedable peggable guy being called "good boy". S4 pretends he grew, with his working behind the scenes to resurrect Dracula, but it's not enough, for all the reasons we know. That's why him letting Lenore go feels like the last spit in the face for him: not only Hector is the only character in the season who is left with a bittersweet ending at best, but... he didn't do anything to affirm himself. He didn't choose to leave Lenore: Lenore chose to leave him, and he simply nodded to that. He didn't talk to her about their problematic relationship, now that nothing was between them. He didn't take the chance to recognize his own self-worth in the same way Isaac did. We don't know what he plans to do with Isaac, we don't know if he plans to leave the castle at some point. The pattern of him going "sure why not" at everything thrown at him was not shaken.

(I don't need to tell you that as someone who loves the original Hector's story precisely for the way he seizes agency for himself, this pisses me off something fierce. More idealistic? Maybe, but also encouraging.)

I'll be honest: Hector as a character is so empty that I feel his fans simply project themselves into him, especially victims of abuse who see the way he crawled back to Lenore and think that it was an intentionally nuanced representation of the way abuse twists your mind and priorities. And if his story resonates with you, I can't take it away from you, but I can assure you that the guy who spent a whole episode writing his puppy fetish for no reason other than fanservice does not give a single shit about the realism of abuse, let alone the things he was accused of.

And I wonder if the same can be applied to other aspects of the show, like Trephacard's friendship that straight up doesn't exist on screen, or Isaac's "development" which might resonate with people similar to him. Just a lot of projecting and filling in the holes, of which the show has plenty because it would rather waste its time with pointless filibustering and people being mean and crass to each other or piss jokes.

This is gonna sound very cynical but the main reason for the show's success is, essentially, that it's superficially deep and insightful.

Superficial presentation can go a very, very long way in hiding very egregious writing flaws, stuff like great fight scenes, emotional music and dialogues that sounds very cool, philosophical and deep can easily convince people that what they're watching is far more than it really is. These are cases where, if you don't pay attention to the finer details, you would really be led to believe that it's exactly what the show is presenting itself as

As another example: Sonic fans, even after all of these years, still like to parade Mephiles around as the best written villain in the series, even though his plan makes less than zero sense. This is because he looks cool (?), has cool powers, has a cool voice and the game consistently presents him as a mastermind...so folks fall for it, it's all about the vibes and how they emotionally impact the viewers, who in turn don't tackle the material with actual critical thought. Some seem to do so, given the plethora of in-depth analysis of characters like Isaac, but, and I know this is really offensive of me to say, I think they are still being influenced by the emotional impact of the way the story likes to present itself, preventing them from truly being 100% objective

People see Hector's pseudo philosophical speech to Lenore, they see her killing herself with the beautiful cinematography and music, and they mistake it for actual art, because it makes them forget or reinterpret the likes of S3. The reason why so many undermine or even justify Lenore's treatment of Hector in S3 is not, I believe, out of genuine rape apologism, but rather becaus people have a subconscious need to have everything neatly fit into their view of events

The ending of S4 looks so beautiful and deep and meaningful, but their relationship in S3 is in direct contradiction of that, so instead of recognizing that they twist the facts in their own head in order for all of it to make sense, because if you admit the existence of S3 as it truly was to yourself, then S4 and it's "beautiful" emotional impact falls apart like a ton of bricks

This is sounding very arrogant if not downright misanthropic I know, as I'm essentially saying that people don't know how to consume the media they like and that they don't even truly know what it is that they like. I feel a bit ashamed in saying this because it's the type of reasoning that would anger me usually, especially if directed at me, so in a way I guess I'm being hypocritical...but I truly don't see any other way to explain this phenomenon

Isaac is, of course, another good example: it's "easy" for most people to forget his hypocrisy because the show puts such a laser focus on his "development" and emotions and philosophy etc. It's like dangling keys in front of a toddler in order to distract them from some other thing

Something like Other M could have had the same effect, but the difference I feel is that Other M is far more egregious in its superficial dialogue: Samus sounds boring and stupid even at a surface level, she can't fool the audience, and Adam's character doesn't feature nowhere close as many "distractions" from his shitty behavior, especially since the authorization mechanic is pervasive throughout the whole game, so people immediately see what a douchebag he is and how self contradicting the story is about him.

#anti netflixvania

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blakeswritingimagines · 10 months

Text

Kink list with Gross Best Friend! Jacaerys Velaryon

Aftercare (What they’re like after sex)

Aftercare is something that is not on his radar. He's all for the fun and excitement in the moment, but once it's all over and done with, he's ready to move on. He may make a passing joke or two in order to keep it light, but overall, he doesn't really care about how the other person feels afterward. It's all about the present and the experience, not about the aftermath or consequences. That said, he wouldn't go out of his way to harm someone either. It's just not a priority after the fact.

B = Body part (Their favourite body part of theirs and also their partner’s)

His favorite body part of his is his ass. He's worked hard to maintain a shapely and firm figure, and it's something he's very proud of. When it comes to his partners, he doesn't have a particular favorite part, but he does really enjoy seeing you in all your glory. That means being able to appreciate all of your body parts equally.

C = Cum (Anything to do with cum basically… I’m a disgusting person)

He might make a suggestion or two, but ultimately it's your decision where you want him to cum. He'll try to be respectful of others' preferences and boundaries, and if that means keeping his own thoughts to himself, then so be it. Besides, it may be more fun to find out what you want in the moment rather than having it planned out ahead of time. That's all part of the adventure!

D = Dirty Secret (Pretty self explanatory, a dirty secret of theirs)

He has many dirty, kinky secrets. So let me just give you a few of them. He's obsessed with leather and lace and enjoys wearing them together. He loves to play games and role-play with you, and he doesn't mind giving up control and letting someone else be in charge if that's what you want. He's also a big fan of lingerie and enjoys seeing how creative people can be with that.

E = Experience (How experienced are they? Do they know what they’re doing?)

He's very experienced, and he likes to think that he knows what he's doing. He is desperate a firm believer in having an open mind and exploring different things in the bedroom. Even if something isn't necessarily his cup of tea, He's more than willing to give it a go and see how it goes. He's always up for trying new positions and experimenting with different techniques. Ultimately, it's all about having fun and embracing one's inner pervert for him.

F = Favourite Position (This goes without saying. Will probably include a visual)

* Missionary - for the sense of intimacy and closeness it provides.

* Cowgirl - for the level of control it gives him over you.

* Spooning - for the feeling of comfort and safety it creates or just the fact he can't help himself.

* Doggy - for the raw, primal nature of the position.

Ultimately, he doesn't have one single favorite position, but several that he enjoys and keeps in rotation.

G = Goofy (Are they more serious in the moment, or are they humorous, etc)

He is both serious and humorous in the moment. He takes pleasure in what he's doing, but he also doesn't take himself too seriously. He is always up for making you laugh, whether it is with a snide comment or a dirty joke. It all comes down to reading the room and adapting his approach accordingly.

H = Hair (How well groomed are they, does the carpet match the drapes, etc.)

If he didn't keep himself well-groomed, he'd still be the same gross, perverted best friend he always is. Sure, it may not be as easy to clean up or look at down there when there's not always a thought behind his eyes but he tries.

I = Intimacy (How are they during the moment, romantic aspect…)

The romantic aspect during "the moment" isn't his top priority. He would rather focus on the physical and sensual aspects of the situation and let the romance come naturally if it does. He is definitely not someone who feels the need to have roses and chocolates present before having a good time in bed.

J = Jack Off (Masturbation headcanon)

He is simply motivated by his own desires and needs and doesn't really feel the need to create a narrative around the act. He sees it as a way to relieve stress, satisfy his urges, and have a good time on his own. It is his private, personal time and he doesn't really need to create a story around it. He simply does what feels good and enjoys the release it provides.

K = Kink (One or more of their kinks)

* Dominance and Submission

* Bondage and Discipline

* Spanking

* Anal Play

* Group fun

* Body Worship

* Humiliation and Degradation

* Voyeurism and Exhibitionism

* Pegging

* Cross Dressing

* Femdom and Male Submissive Play

L = Location (Favourite places to do the do)

* Home sweet home

* Hotels or vacation rentals

* Outdoors in nature

* Public places

* Office break room

* Public bathrooms

* Car

M = Motivation (What turns them on, gets them going)

* Sensual touch and caressing

* Passionate kissing and tongue flirting

* Dirty talk and teasing

* Sexy outfits

* Being in the moment and engaging in the action

* Exploring new and different things (positions, styles, techniques, etc)

He's a literal desperate horndog, the wind hits him and he's hard and you could just ask to have sex and he's ready.

N = NO (Something they wouldn’t do, turn-offs)

* Being judgmental and/or cruel with your words or actions

* Lack of communication, especially when it comes to expectations

O = Oral (Preference in giving or receiving, skill, etc)

It is hard to pick just one that is best because they are all fun in their own way. If he had to choose, it being on the receiving end is his favorite, simply because it allows him to relax and enjoy the pleasure being given to him. He is always willing to switch things up now and again and give you a taste of your own medicine.

P = Pace (Are they fast and rough? Slow and sensual? etc.)

He can be both fast and rough or slow and sensual, depending on his mood and the situation. For him, it's all about having fun and being in the moment. Sometimes, he wants to let loose and be rough and wild, while other times, he wants to be more tender and gentle. Sometimes, he wants to go fast and get right to it, while other times, he wants to take things slow and enjoy the ride. Life is too short to only have one kind of sex.

Q = Quickie (Their opinions on quickies rather than proper sex, how often, etc.)

He is a big fan of quickies. There's nothing quite like a spontaneous mid-day romp to spice up your day. Quickies can be fun and exciting, as they leave you wanting more and give you a little taste of what's to come. He enjoys them often and think they should be part of his everyday life. However, he also believes in having "proper sex" at appropriate times.

R = Risk (Are they game to experiment, do they take risks, etc.)

He is all for experimenting and taking risks. He believes that life is too short to be stuck in your comfort zone or follow the same routine all the time. He is open-minded and willing to try new things, especially when it comes to sex and sexuality at least wherever he can get it. He wants to explore and experiment with you to find new ways to have fun and feel pleasure. Taking some risks every now and then is worth the reward of discovering something new that you can both enjoy.

S = Stamina (How many rounds can they go for, how long do they last…)

He is not one to count how many rounds or keep track of time. For him, it is all about enjoyment and pleasure in the moment. He is not concerned with how many times you go or how long he lasts, as long as everyone is having a good time.

T = Toy (Do they own toys? Do they use them? On a partner or themselves?)

He does own some toys, and he does use them from time to time with you or on his own. He enjoys the variety and spice they add to a sexual encounter, and he likes to experiment with different kinds of toys to keep things fresh and interesting. He is not shy or ashamed about using toys and seeing them as part of the experience.

U = Unfair (how much they like to tease)

Teasing can be a fun and lighthearted way to create excitement and a sense of anticipation. He often uses teasing as a way to get you in the mood and build up the desire before he finally makes a move. He derives pleasure from seeing you squirm and be unable to control yourself any longer. He'll use every trick in the book to keep you hot and bothered.

V = Volume (How loud they are, what sounds they make)

He can be both loud and quiet during sex and it depends on the situation and his mood. In general, he's fairly vocal during sexual activity and doesn't hold back on his sounds. He expresses his pleasure and enjoyment by moaning and grunting with a whimper now and again.

W = Wild Card (Get a random headcanon for the character of your choice)

He has a few wild and dirty secrets. Here's one for you to mull over. In his spare time, he sometimes enjoys dressing up in feminine clothing and makeup and pretending to be someone he's not. This includes wigs and accessories to complete the look. He doesn't know what it is about it, but he finds it to be quite a thrill.

X = X-Ray (Let’s see what’s going on in those pants, picture or words)

I'd say it's an average of around 7 inches. However, he is not one to measure or keep track of things like this as it doesn't matter since he's normally just looking to use it in one way or another.

Y = Yearning (How high is their sex drive?)

His sex drive is fairly high. He enjoys sex and physical pleasure and seeks it out regularly. This includes masturbation, one-night stands, and intimate relationships with partners. He is driven to seek out and engage in sexual activity and finds it to be an important part of life.

Z = ZZZ (… how quickly they fall asleep afterwards)

After a good session of horizontal tango, he finds that he can typically fall asleep quickly and easily. He is usually quite exhausted and satisfied after doing the deed and finds himself sleeping like a log almost instantly. This is especially true if it has been a while since he's last been with a partner, as the exhaustion and release of tension can be quite overwhelming. He has been known to drift off just minutes after the act, but he thinks that adds to the pleasure and satisfaction of the entire experience.

#jacaerys velaryon x reader #jacaerys valaryon x reader #jacaerys x reader #prince jacaerys #jacaerys velaryon #jacaerys x you #gross best friend! jacaerys velaryon #kink list

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whispangleblogger · 1 year

Text

I am not somebody that hops onto the "comic discourse" a lot. I usually prefer to talk things through with my friends and share opinions in private.

But since Tangle more or less got ignored so far i take the chance and talk a bit about her appearance in 64

She jumps in as a supportive character towards Whisper and helps her to prevent another breakdown. While yes, there was a scene in Urban Warfare that did the exact same thing, i feel like with issue 64 we finally see how strong of an impact this support actually has on the page. (I talk a bit more about Urban Warfare further down this post.) I don't even dare and call this bait (Edit: Not my words btw. i saw this used in another heated post. I personally never felt baited in any form. If anything, the girls relationship is one big highlight in these comics.) because it simply isn't. Here is a character that cares for her partner and also is uncomfortable with the whole situation to begin with. She has to decide where her priorities lie. Her reaction is to be expected to be focused on a trembling Whisper and all i can say is i'm glad we finally have a good depiction of that.

Tangle has the right to approach Whisper in ways i think no other character is able to, she earned it and it pretty much shows on this page. Softly taking down Whisper's mask and checking on her, the body language in these panels is chefs kiss. She's truly a bouncy girl, but it's good to see her being serious every now and then, i feel like it's a side of her that people usually tend to ignore. (And i really don't know why that is.) Evan Stanley does always an amazing job if it comes to showing Tangle in a different light or how she cares about her friends and loved ones. In regards about the current arc and even the last one, i feel like this post is a good chance to add my personal take to it as well, since it's been on my mind for a good while now. I feel like 64 finally makes a step into the right direction again.

To elaborate a little on that, i wasn't really a big fan of Urban Warfare, simply for the fact that it's pacing is all over the place. There were a lot of things that needed to be covered, to name a few: - new team building - Whisper's trauma - Lanolin introduced as a new character - a LOT of other teams jumping into the scene - the city itself all squeezed into a 5 book arc. One more book compared to a mini series that usually gives full focus to a set of chosen characters.

To make this clear, there are also good things in Urban Warfare as well but thanks to the fact how rushed the whole story felt in it's core it's a bit hard to enjoy the good bits as well...

Misadventures still deals with the same pacing problem and i believe that is where the real issue lies. As a reader/collector of the books and longtime fan of them, all i can say is:

I wish the comics would get their old, well cared, time for details back. Yes, a story like the Metal Virus was a long run but in the end it was a fantastic read. Mini arcs like Trial by Fire (Still one of my favorites), that focus on other things instead of the usual action, are also very important for character development and add a lot of depth to them. Endless Summer is a great example for such addition as well. These books provide insight into character interaction we usually don't see otherwise. Of course i have no idea how much SEGA is involved into everything if it comes to general decisions like how long one arc is supposed to last and when the next one should start.

(The next part is based on my personal taste, this has nothing to do with the general narrative of the books. I just want to share my thoughts about this since i really don't write them down a lot.)

As a little side note, i feel like Lanolin is a great character so far. Her stubborn and rule book like demeanor as a leader is refreshing to say the least. She also seems to be really close to how her creator ABT imagines her to be and i really appreciate that. But i can't help it and feel like her team dynamic with Tangle and Whisper comes of as rather… rocky ? On a combat level of things it works really good but on a friendship level it's somehow lacking atm. There is this boss and coworker relationship going on that feels more like real work. Obviously though she's new and needs more time to get better established. I guess we will see how this plays out in the future. I'm all in for a good or funny team dynamic but i also can't help it and feel like she works better as an addition to Jewel, running the restoration, the navigator typ that sends intel via com instead of a field combatant. Even if she proved she's good at close combat as well during her encounter with Whisper in 64. That being said, i am all open for surprises and more character development on her part. This is really just a "now" opinion and can easily change over time. I like the sheep, i really do.

#IDW Sonic #Whisper the Wolf #Tangle the Lemur #Whispangle #Just some thoughts i wanted to get out of my head #long opinion posts always take forever to write - language barrier demands extra brain juice - cries in german #Thanks to my friends SomethingSonicRelated - Honeydew - DillyWolf and ScurvyPiratehog for looking over this post #providing some additions as well #64 was a good read overall #the Whispangle moment was soft and needed #not adding more details about the issue in general since i still try to keep the theme of the blog as it's focus.#I think the post speaks for itself :>#There are still moments i hold really high and dear to me from the last arc #best example's probably my pinned post heh <3

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m00nsbaby · 1 year

Note

imagine some angsty moonboys with “half of my heart belongs to you but it’s still stitching up the wounds you left behind” AHDOFOSLWBF ok bye

SHIIIT, NO BUT I CAN IMAGINE IT FROM DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVES DEPENDING ON WHICH ONE OF THE MOON BOYS??

Marc.

His constant habit of belittling himself became a problem.

For him, you can handle all of Marc's emotional baggage as you once promised.

The problem is that when you're sure someone is your soulmate, you want to see them happy.

And when Marc realizes that maybe you spend more time worrying about him than feeling happy with him, he questions for the tenth time that maybe it's best for you.

So he leaves, without warning.

He takes everything with him, your heart, your happiness, your life.

He seeks joy in his silly idea that his decision will bring you a better life.

You try to be patient, waiting for him to come back.

And he does, eventually, visiting you at night.

You try to let your guard down when his kisses try to convince you that even though he thinks you can't be together, he loves you.

You don't believe him.

You never believe him.

But you let him try because you prefer this to losing him completely.

Jake.

"You have to fight for me," you said a million times.

Jake never did, even though his heart belonged to you.

The problem was, you could never understand that nothing in his environment was meant to make him believe in his autonomy, which, according to him, was a fantasy.

His purpose was to take care of Marc and Steven, not make their life more complicated.

So when you became a problem in their relationship with Layla, he understood it was time to say goodbye.

"Tell me you don't love me," was the last thing you said, and when he couldn't respond, you had your answer.

He did, in his crazy, quiet, and steadfast way.

And the problem was, even though he couldn't choose you, you still thought of him.

You still loved him, never stopped.

You loved him so much that it hurt, your chest, your head. Breathing itself felt painful without Jake.

He didn't try, never did, and never would.

But for you, it was so hard to accept.

Steven.

Eventually, it all became too much for you.

Steven's life was in chaos, and you had long realized that it was best not to get involved in these things.

After the third broken heart, you began to consider that looking out for yourself wasn't wrong.

Making yourself a priority didn't make you a villain.

What you didn't know was that there was only one thing giving Steven a false sense of stability at that moment.

You.

"I beg you," and you did your best to release his hands. Maybe meeting him in a public place hadn't been one of your better ideas. "P-Please, give me a chance."

Perhaps the worst part was that he wasn't a bad prospect. If he had his life together, you might have considered staying.

You also considered it when his huge brown eyes filled with tears.

Or when he told you he was scared.

Deep down, he knew that depending on one person wasn't healthy, and putting that burden on your shoulders wasn't fair.

But he was afraid of losing everything when you left.

And although Steven wasn't one to give up, you weren't one to look back either.

And for the three of them???

The three blame each other for your departure.

Marc because he never gave you the place in his life that you deserved. A priority rather than an option.

Jake because he was never able to openly express how much he loved you.

And your sweet, sweet Steven for allowing the other two to do something like this to you.

The cycle was self-destructive, there was no moment of the day when you weren't on their minds.

Oh, not even at night. The nighttime waking hours became a torture when they had to stay awake in silence, with nothing but thoughts and the constant repetition of the mistakes they had made when they were with you.

Was it really necessary for Marc to get out of bed early that day, or could he have afforded to stay in your arms a little longer?

Would your eyes ever shine as brightly as when Jake leaned down to you and called you "mi cielo"?

The idea of someone else doing it made Jake's stomach churn.

And consequently, the other two as well.

Would Steven's body ever feel the seconds of peace that your finger brought when you ran them through his curls?

Or worse yet, was it worth continuing to think about the "what ifs" when even though their heart begged for your return, none of the three would be able to make you come back?

Tag list :)

@ninebluehearts @icreatedthisat317am @onefinnedwonder-fm @shousha133

#steven grant #steven grant x you #steven grant x reader #marc spector #marc spector x you #marc spector x reader #jake lockley #jake lockley x you #jake lockley x reader #moon knight #moon knight x you #moon knight x reader

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samuelerssonupdates · 2 months

Text

*on opening night

Forwards

1st line: Michkov #39 - Couturier #14 - Foerster #71

Maksim Konstantinov / Len Redkoles / Jason Mowry (header image: Eliot J. Schechter)

Michkov on the first line is the only non-controversial choice here. It was hard to pick between Couturier and Frost, particularly since I believe that Michkov and Frost are going to work really well together this upcoming season. However, I think it's more than likely they want to pair Michkov with a more experienced player, particularly one like Sean Couturier, who is strong on faceoffs - can get Michkov the puck off the faceoff! - and a good defensive forward. Speaking of defensive forwards, I put one of the top defensive wingers in the NHL this season, Tyson Foerster, on the other wing. Foerster is a RW but since the Flyers seem to have completely done away with GAFing about what position wing their forwards play, I put him here and, in this post, will not GAF about L/RW either.

I think Foerster and Konecny would be the only two wingers the Flyers would consider opposite Michkov right now. Konecny for his own strong offensive upside was definitely a plus, but I went with Foerster because I think making sure that their two best defensive forwards are balancing out Michkov's high offense will be a high priority for Tortorella. Foerster also plays a pretty physical game where I don't believe Michkov does...? Someone correct me if I'm wrong there. I think that this top line is a well-balanced line between a vet, a strong winger, and a superstar.

Matvei Michkov, 19-22--41, 47 GP for HK Sochi

Sean Couturier, 11-27--38, 74 GP

Tyson Foerster, 20-13--33, 77 GP

2nd line: Konecny #11 - Frost #48 - Tippett #74

Len Redkoles / Len Redkoles / Dustin Satloff

Purely offensive line. Total fun. Morgan Frost's defensive play is very good, but he's a playmaker at heart and I would love to see this line get some time this season. I do eventually envision Frost and Michkov on a line regularly, as I think (as do many others) Frost's creativity will work well with Michkov's, but as far as opening night goes, I can't see them putting Frost and Michkov together too early.

Otherwise, these three would be fun to watch. In the 23-24 season Konecny assisted on 10 of Tippett's 28 goals, and 8 of Frost's 13 goals were assisted on by one of these two. All three were particularly productive during the Flyers' more dominant period in December 2023 and January 2024.

Travis Konecny, 33-35--68, 76 GP

Morgan Frost, 13-28--41, 71 GP

Owen Tippett, 28-25--53, 78 GP

3rd line: Brink #10 - Laughton #21 - Farabee #86

Randy Litzinger / Len Redkoles / Len Redkoles

Something of a double-veteran presence on this line for Brink, who, while he has NHL experience, spent a multitude of games last year playing for the Phantoms and watching from the press box at the behest of Tortorella. Farabee had a career year in 2023-24 but it didn't seem like it after he went long stretches of time without a goal, and Scott Laughton, the unofficial Flyers locker room DJ, had a much maligned 23-24 season. Not that this is SamuelErssonUpdates's Line for Lost Flyers, but it's a line of guys who you'd love to see do even better. Hoping that each of them move up the lineup at some point in the season, but on opening night this would be a safe bet.

Bobby Brink, 11-12--23, 57 GP

Scott Laughton, 13-26--39, 82 GP

Joel Farabee, 22-28--50, 82 GP

4th line: Cates #27 - Poehling #25 - Hathaway #19

Rich Graessle / Dustin Satloff / Jason Mowry

The easiest decision of the bunch, the Ph(C) line was one of the most cohesive and regular of last season. A solid 4th line of three guys that scored a little and hit a lot, (thank you, Garnet Hathaway) all three are signed to short-term contracts in Philly. It would, however, be nice to see Ryan Poehling Do The Thing again, and if he potentially moves up the lineup this year, maybe we'll see a burst in production from him.

Noah Cates, 6-12--18, 59 GP

Ryan Poehling, 11-17--28, 77 GP

Garnet Hathaway, 7-10--17, 82 GP

Defense

In general, all of these defensive pairings have been pretty well established; they were generally paired together last year, and the Flyers org shows no signs of switching them up unless something surprising happens.

1st pairing: Sanheim #6 - York #8

Len Redkoles / Len Redkoles

These two were the top defensive pairing last year, and they'll be our top defensive pairing this year. York played 82 games and had an average ice time of 22:37 per game; in one stunner of a game against the Canes, he played a whopping 29:01. Sanheim, meanwhile, logged 30% more assists than ever before in his career. These two will be back at it on your TV screen on October 11, I guarantee it.

Travis Sanheim: 10-34--44, 81 GP

Cam York: 10-20--30, 82 GP

2nd pairing: Seeler #24 - Drysdale #9

Jason Mowry / Len Redkoles

Generally considered to be the pairing on which Tortorella will have Drysdale, Seeler's defensive defense will be a solid counterpoint to Drysdale's offensive defense. Literally everyone in the world wants to see Drysdale do well on the Flyers – a healthy, more veteran player like Nick Seeler is probably the best option to round out his play.

Nick Seeler, 1-12--13, 71 GP

Jamie Drysdale, 3-7--10, 34 GP (1-4--5, ANA; 2-3--5, PHI)

3rd pairing: Zamula #5 - Johnson #77

Len Redkoles / Bill Wippert

With the return of Rasmus Ristolainen still unclear, and having seen none of the Flyers' prospects in the preseason, this is my current projected 3rd pairing. Both Zamula and Johnson re-signed short-term deals with the Flyers this offseason, and while Johnson will most likely remain a 7th d-man to be rotated in and out of the lineup, if Zamula makes the team out of camp I expect to see him as a regular fixture on the blue line.

Yegor Zamula, 5-16--21, 66 GP

Erik Johnson, 5-1--6, 67 GP (3-0--3, BUF; 2-1--3, PHI)

Goalies

Starting Goalie: Ersson #33

Len Redkoles

I don't know what anyone wants me to say here. this could not more clearly be my fucking guy. the blog is named after him. I am not taking questions at this ti- Stats? Buckle up, fuckers. I love stats and I'm incapable of being objective.

Sam Ersson is tied for the 4th-most winningest rookie goalie in Flyers history. At 24 years old, he has 5 shutouts in 63 career GP; the goalie he replaced had 6 shutouts in 227 GP. He had 4 this season alone, tying Igor Shesterkin (55 GP) and Pyotr Kochetkov (42 GP). With 23 wins in 51 GP, he won more games than Linus Ullmark (22 W in 40 GP), Alex Lyon (21 W in 44 GP), Tristan Jarry (19 W in 51 GP), and tied Jarry (29 years old with 8 seasons of NHL experience) and Thatcher Demko (28 years old with 7 seasons of NHL experience) for games played on the season. He had a 19-game streak of 3 GA or less where he went 12-4-2 (with one game where he entered in relief) and was one of the best goalies in shootouts in the league. In shootouts, only 4 goalies stopped more shots than him, yet he had a better shootout save percentage than all of them.

He had an .890 save percentage on the season. I don't care. The Flyers played 37 games from January 18th to the end of the season. Ersson played 32 of them, most of them with a backup that wasn't NHL caliber (Cal Petersen - sent down; Felix Sandstrom - sent down and traded in the offseason) or not ready to play in the NHL yet (Ivan Fedotov). Ersson was playing 86% of the Flyers' games at this point; for reference, the top 5 most played goalies in the league played:

Saros, 28 years old, 64 GP; 78% of NSH GP

Georgiev, 27 years old, 63 GP; 77% of COL GP

Hellebuyck, 30 years old, 60 GP; 73% of WPG GP

Skinner, 25 years old, 59 GP; 72% of EDM GP

Bobrovsky, 35 years old, 58 GP; 71% of FLA GP

So to recap, rookie Sam Ersson was starting games at a higher rate than 5 goalies that made the playoffs, including one that won the Stanley Cup, one that went to the Cup finals, and one that won the Vezina trophy. Forgive me if I don't take his .890 save percentage as the word of God and the final statement on his goaltending.

He's the starter next year. Tortorella and Briere have already made it clear; Ersson is their guy. Fortunately, he likes that.

Samuel Ersson, 23-19-7, .890 SV%, 2.82 GAA, 4 SO

Backup: Fedotov #82

Len Redkoles

Ivan Fedotov should be fun to watch this season. He was phenomenal in the KHL for years, and hopefully will be able to bring that this season with more time to get settled in the area, the team, and in his gear. If all goes well would expect to see him start 25-30 games. Like Ersson, his stats on the Flyers tell nothing of the full story, and next season will be a better showing of his capabilities between the pipes.

Flyers, 2023-24: 0-1-1, .811 SV%, 4.95 GAA, 0 SO

CSKA Moscow, 2023-24: 21-22, .914 SV%, 2.37 GAA, 4 SO

#not an SEU #flyers #philadelphia flyers

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viviane-lefay · 4 months

Text

AU for Dagan & Santari

… because I absolutely can't accept how things turned out for them - therefore, I made my own, preferred scenario for them.

I’m not much of a writer, I’m afraid, and I don’t have much experience in storytelling, so this text will mostly be of a descriptive nature, like a plot, if you will - with some parts in between where I comment on certain aspects, sharing my opinion on them. It’s a bit chaotic, but please bear with me. ^^;;

Of course this is just my headcanon, based on my take on these characters & their relationship (more about that here & here), as well as my personal preferences. I mainly wrote this for myself, after all – and, hopefully, some like-minded others.

Anyway, please be nice! If you like it, then that is great - even if you only like some parts … just pick whatever resonates with you. And if you don't - please keep that to yourself, ok!?

Here's (roughly, for now) what I had in mind:

~*~

From what is shown in the game, there is no information about what happened to Santari after she left Koboh.

What if she, after she realized that Zee failed her mission, and there was no one left to release Dagan from his stasis (who would likely remain like this for a prolonged period of time), put herself in a stasis too, linked in duration to his (and, hence, didn't die), because ...

she just couldn't let go of him like this, refusing to give up on believing in him

but also felt that he needed to make a decision for himself, which path to choose undistractedly, and therefore didn't go to release him herself (which he, unfortunately, misinterpreted as yet another abandonment upon his release by Cal - but, then again, he was still traumatized by her turning on him during their last encounter).

Since she left Koboh for good with the remaining ships, it struck me as rather odd that, in the game, you can find her lightsaber hidden in a chest there, located in a sealed passageway.

Why is it on this very planet, of all places!? Shouldn't it rather be in her latest location? Or did she even leave it there on purpose?

Knowing of the significance of the saber for the Jedi, as well as the importance to never lose it (“This weapon is your life.” - Obi-Wan, Ep. II), it makes me wonder if she left behind the life of a Jedi, and just remained a scientist. Since being a Jedi was such an important part of her life, this must have been a very profound decision to make, and maybe even a sacrifice for something of even greater importance to her.

Frankly, her complete disregard for the Jedi council's decision, as well as her further plans, make it pretty clear where her true loyalties and priorities lie - and it's not the Jedi order in this case.

You can see that illustrated very well in the game, when she refuses to turn him in, disobeying a direct order by the council by doing so - which, in itself, is already a huge crime, given his actions and how powerful and dangerous he is. Then, she keeps what happened to Dagan a secret, hides him from them, plotting for him to get away with it all and reach his goals nonetheless.

That she also plans to reunite with him after he is released from stasis indeed raises the question of her potentially having left the order – because to them he is a wanted criminal now – and it would make no sense if she lead him into a trap when she had already put in so much effort into his protection. Imho, her leaving because she chose the man she loves over the Jedi order is definitely the most likely explanation.

That she turned on him in the end is not because of his open rebellion against the order, or his plans regarding Tanalorr - after all she rebelled in her own way, albeit in a more subtle, hidden manner. Her and his goals were the same … the means, however, weren't.

And that is exactly where the problem is - the way he went about it - especially with him turning to the dark side.

She was clearly desperate, terrified to lose him because of this, and tried to stop him for that very reason. She wanted to prevent him from going further down that road.

Ironically, he wasn't able to see that, and, of all things, it was her (perceived) betrayal first and foremost, that caused his actual fall, and further descent after being released from stasis.

Her severing his arm was a complete kneejerk reaction, borne out of her despair, and I’m inclined to believe that it weighed quite heavily on her, and would haunt her from then on.

In the flashback scene you can clearly tell how distressed she is, inside, despite her somewhat level-headed demeanor. How she immediately rushes to him and holds him, calling out for help. Only after he's fallen unconscious, she gives vent to her feelings, doubles over and cries (you can't see her face, but it's fairly obvious that she does).

Aside from the arm issue, their confrontation was quite faltering anyway. You could really tell that neither wanted to do this, let alone hurt the other.

Especially with him, this becomes evident, given what he did to the other Jedi who opposed him, and what he is capable of, combat skills - wise. (I'm sure, Santari is proficient with her lightsaber, but she's not a warrior, like him, who is renowned for his outstanding skills as a duelist. She would have lasted some time, I'll grant her that, but not for long.) Instead he just shoves her away via the force, and also just lightly.

~*~

Anyway, here’s a description of one of the key scenarios I had in mind:

After awakening from her stasis and coming to terms with the historic changes that have taken place, galaxy-wide, Santari prepares for her return to Koboh. Once there, she keeps a low profile, as not to catch too much attention, and to just gather information on the recent happenings there. Troubled by what she learned, she decides to act instead of taking a more passive, observant approach, as she planned earlier.

She barely made it to the observatory in time to interrupt the fight between Dagan, Cal, and Bode, that had just started.

Her sudden appearance unfortunately heated up the situation any further, throwing the already upset Dagan into complete turmoil.

She tried to reason with him, but he was too caught up in his feelings of betrayal, and the version of reality he had so carefully constructed to endure and justify everything, that he just wouldn’t hear her out – not before Tanalorr was secured.

But he would not attack her. After all that had happened between them, he still did not hate her. Anger, yes, resentment for her actions, but hate ... he couldn't bring himself to feel that way towards her - and never would.

Instead, he quickly redirected his rage towards Cal again, and the fight resumed, more furious than before.

Bode, who was getting impatient, inserted himself at some point by starting to fire shots from his blaster at Dagan in quick succession, which were all blocked, but one. Normally, this wouldn't have been a challenge for Dagan, but the whole situation with Santari had thrown him off balance, and he lacked his usual poise.

The damage was but minor, but it jolted not only Dagan awake again, but also Santari, who had been watching the scenario unfold in grief-stricken numbness.

Seeing their chance, Cal and Bode started a coordinated attack from different directions.

This time, he would have been able to both parry Cal's blows, as well as deflect Bode's shots, but an alarmed Santari rushed behind him to block the blaster shots, just in the moment as he spun around and set out to do so himself.

It happened too fast even for him, too unexpected, and the moment was already over before the realization about what had occurred crept in. He could only watch in dismay as his blade struck her, see her falter and fall, only to be caught by him, just before she would hit the ground, and hear himself crying out her name, holding her seemingly lifeless body in his arms, as the world zeroed in on her and her mere existence, and a wave of mind-numbing pain and regret washed over him.

As he holds her close, he notices that she is still breathing, albeit weakly, and thus still alive, despite her serious injury. Desperate to save her, he carefully picks her up and sets out in a rush to carry her to the nearest medical facility.

Just as he got up, an incensed and clearly impatient Bode steps in his way and shouts at him, demanding the compass, which at the time is still in Dagan’s possession.

Aware that any further delay would come at the cost of Santari’s life, Dagan, who is beyond caring at this point, snatches the compass from his belt and dismissively tosses it in Bode’s direction, before storming off.

~*~

Frankly, in his case I think a profound shock such as this is necessary to snap him out of his rather set thought- and behavioural patterns and to truly make him question his actions.

It is also important that it was Dagan, of all people, to strike her down, and not her being hit by an attack by Bode or Cal. If it had been the latter, it wouldn’t have had such a transformative effect on him in the way the proposed scenario did, as it would have just provided an opportunity for him to further project onto others, and to redirect his anger towards his opponents any further.

Accidentally hurting the woman he loves, himself, with no one else to lay the blame on, would finally be the catalyst for him to shift his focus inwards and recognize the error of his decisions and actions - that it was his own pride and obstinacy that led to this outcome - and then to take accountability.

Above all I want him to realize (or rather remember) that he loves Santari more than anything in the universe, that he would do anything for this woman, and would gladly sacrifice anything for her - be it Tanalorr, his pride, any other ambition of his, whatever the cost - that all these things are meaningless without her, and that he is willing to forego it all, if only she is alive and well.

Basically, I want them to have this "reverse anidala" theme, where the man's love for the woman, and his strong attachment to her, instead of spelling his doom, ultimately is the key factor that saves him from the dark side, initiating a profound transformation within him, which also leads to his redemption arc.

You know, in Star Wars foreshadowing (especially via dialogue) has always been a huge theme. More often than not, there was a deeper meaning hidden somewhere, which would become evident during the course of the story.

A prime example of this is Obi-Wan's remark to Anakin: "Why do I get the feeling that you're going to be the death of me?", or when Anakin says to Padmé: "The thought of not being with you - I can't breathe." These are all allusions to things that have not yet come to pass, but eventually will.

In Dagan's case, this one line, spoken to Santari in a Force Echo, really stood out to me as such a potentially prophetic statement:

"You're the only one who can guide me back."

In the scene itself they were talking about Dagan's perilous mission to fly into the Koboh Abyss. I found the choice of name for this nebula quite interesting on a symbolic level, as the word "abyss” (which, in myth, was a term used to describe the underworld, and even the hellish realms - a dark and dreadful place) could very well stand as a perfect analogy for the dark side, and getting lost therein.

As we saw, Santari’s betrayal and her loss of course had been a major factor in his fall, there is no deying that (for instance, we see that this particular memory was the crucial one to truly complete the bleeding of his lightsaber’s kyber crystal).

In the game's canon, however, we are merely confronted with a missed opportunity. There was no Santari anymore - she was long since gone - so he had to deal with this ultimate loss on top of his already existing trauma, and all that was left for him was to cling like a madman to the only remaining thing that had a connection to her, which was Tanalorr. And it was pretty clear that his emotional ties to Santari were a pivotal aspect of his obsession with this planet.

So, in my AU I want to explore what would have happened, if Dagan had been given that chance, and Santari would have been there, after all, "guiding him back" - or rather her being the catalyst for him, to give him the hope and strength to walk this path himself, as it actually is his love for her that truly guides him back:

That this would be possible is pretty much a given, as there were other characters that were way further gone, darkside-wise, than he was, that also turned back to the light - prime example being Anakin Skywalker, of course.

(The original) Star Wars has always been all about hope, faith, and making the seemingly impossible possible – at its core it has always been deeply optimistic, with a firm belief in and emphasis on the good in mankind. If you're looking for nihilist, cynical portrayals and outcomes ... sorry, wrong universe. (If that is the shit you want, then try Game of Thrones, ffs!)

No one believed that Anakin could be saved, except for Luke, and Padmé, who expressed her unwavering faith in Anakin's innate goodness and his ability turn back with her dying breath.

More cynical minds would probably say that both Luke's, and Padmé's judgements were clouded by their feelings for Anakin - except that this wasn't the case - quite the opposite, in fact.

As for Padmé - she might not have been able to acknowledge the warning signs of his imminent fall in the moment, but she certainly felt that something troubling was going on. However, concerning the nature of his being, her perception couldn’t have been any more accurate.

After all it was her, who had this profound and intimate connection to him, who knew him better and deeper than anyone else, and, for that very reason, was able to perceive something in him that the others just couldn't. And she was a woman with a sharp mind and common sense, and her reasoning was absolutely sound.

And, yes, she was vindicated in the end!

I see that very much mirrored in Santari, her unwavering faith in Dagan, and her unwillingness to give up on him.

Here's her expressing her conviction in a force echo scene, that took place after her confrontation with Dagan, and right after he was put in the bacta tank:

"The council may have given up on you, but I know who you truly are, Dagan. Even if you yourself have forgotten..."

Of course she knows! It has been hinted at in the game multiple times that these two have known each other for a long time, are very, very close, and share a deep bond based on mutual trust, amongst other things. So, this conviction of hers is very much built on the fact that she knows him better, deeper, and more intimately than anyone else - that she knows things about him that no one else knows, has seen a side of him that no one else has ever seen. That she is the only one able to see him truly as the way he is, and is, therefore, the only one able to make a sound judgement of him and what he is capable of - or isn't.

This woman is anything but a sentimental fool, not only is she a fucking genius, she also possesses great wisdom, discernment, patience, and self-control, so, of course, there is substance to her claims, regardless of the fact that she is in love with him.

~*~

That said, I’ll now continue to describe the scenario for my AU:

Cal had been watching everything unfold with conflicting emotions, and he could not deny that the tragic turn of events on his opponent’s side affected him.

Ever since he saw them together in the force echoes, Cal has always had his suspicions about the true nature of the feelings the two Jedi harboured for each other, and now he saw the undeniable truth right in front of his eyes.

As much as he resented Dagan’s previous actions - seeing this proud man so broken and forlorn, clasping the lifeless form of his lost love to his bosom, he could not help but empathize with him, being all too familiar with love and loss himself.

It did impress him no less to see Dagan, moments later, relinquish the key to Tanalorr - to his discovery, his home, his ambitions, and his great obsession - without a moment’s hesitation, as not to lose time for saving his beloved.

At the same time, Bode’s behaviour in this situation filled him with indignation. How was this any better than Dagan’s previous conduct towards them!? It was not. If anything, it was just as unscrupulous, and that was not how he wanted to be, or to act.

Maybe it was his sense of justice, maybe it was a surge of sympathy, maybe both, that made him turn and go after Dagan, who had just disappeared through the door.

Even so, his sudden reappearance, was met by a furious glare by Dagan who was in no mood to tolerate any further delays, not believing Cal’s claim of only wanting to help. So Cal just prompted BD-1 to act, who immediately understood and administered the last health stim in his possession to Santari, who indeed seemed to show a response.

Dagan, who was too caught up in his concern for Santari just shot him a glance, before rushing off again. However short it had been, the surprise and relief in his eyes had still been visible - as well as a hint of gratitude, or so Cal believed.

From behind, Bode urged him to leave, but he refused, saying he would follow later. He needed time to reflect.

As he made his way back down, hours later, walking through the corridors, he passed by the medical ward. He stopped and stood there, wondering what had become of Santari - if his help had made any difference, however small, even if it meant that she just barely made it, and if, at this point, she was still alive after all.

With a mixture of curiosity and concern, he entered the hallway that led to the examination room. The door was still left open and he slowly made his way to the front, so he could catch sight of what was going on inside.

On the surgery couch, connected to a device that was monitoring her vital parameters, there was a still unconscious, but alive Santari.

Inclined towards her, Dagan was sitting by her side, lost in thought, holding her hand in his remaining one, his eyes fixated on the delicate features of the woman in front of him. His expression was full of sorrow and longing, yet above it all there was a deep affection gracing his handsome face, displaying a tenderness, Cal wouldn’t have associated with him before.

How long had he been watching over her like this, Cal wondered. Night had almost passed, and the horizon was already lighting up in a faint violet.

Daring not to interrupt the scene, he slowly turned, moving as silently as he could, when a deep voice, lowly but firmly, commanded him to wait. He did not know how and when, but somewhere along the line Dagan must have taken notice of his presence.

He again turned to face the Jedi master, who sat still, immovable, in his spot. Even now, as Dagan spoke on, his gaze remained, dwelling upon his beloved.

“When she was examined, I was informed, that it was your medicine that had made a difference, after all. Without it, I would have lost her.”, he concluded, his voice raw with unexpressed emotion. A moment of silence followed, an indrawn breath.

“Thank you!”

Although greatly humbled by the previous events, it must not have easily passed his lips … and yet, he seemed to feel the need to express this to him. A declaration so simple, as it was powerful, genuine, heartfelt.

Cal could appreciate that, inquiring if there was a chance she might make it now that her condition had stabilized at last.

Dagan nodded, ascertaining that until then, he would remain by her side and keep vigil over her quiescent state, waiting for a sign, however long it would take.

In case she woke again, he expressed his hopes that, should they meet again, may this be on better terms than their past encounters.

In case she did not … he paused with a pained expression, briefly closing his eyes, before continuing … then this should now be his bidding him a final farewell.

Cal, understanding the unspoken message, dared not pursue the question any further, and instead agreed expressly to Dagan’s sentiment regarding better future relations, before taking his leave.

Still deep in thought, he returned to his friends, who were already waiting for him at the Mantis, ready to take off for Jedha.

For Dagan, a long vigil remained, that would last another night and day, hours of uncertainty and doubt wearing on in a gruellingly slow pace.

In the silence that surrounded him, the voices in his mind kept on howling all the louder, seized with remorse, confronting him with every decision he made, every action he took - that ultimately led to this result, that he now realized were wrong - in an unceasing and damning judgement.

“If she dies, it is your fault!”, they would scream, and he knew there was nothing he could say to deny their allegations, that lessened his guilt in this matter even for one bit. That was the hardest thought to bear – that it was him, his pride, his obstinacy, and impatience, who had brought about this misery, him, of all people, who hurt her – the one he loved the most.

At this point, the voices that wondered about the “what if”s and “what could have been”s chimed in, telling him the tantalizing tale of chances lost, and all the roads not taken. If only he had listened to her …

At last, a breathed sigh that signalled her waking pulled him out of his thoughts, after a time that felt like an eternity, spent in his personal purgatory.

Her eyelids slowly fluttered open to reveal the soft brown gaze that he so often had lost himself in, that he was again losing himself in in this very moment. With quivering lips, he uttered her name, his voice shaky and raw.

Her mouth silently forming the syllables of his name in response, and the accompanying expression, the longing he felt mirrored in her eyes, were enough to push him over the edge.

A sudden, hot wave of emotion overtook him and before he knew, their lips were locking, and he was kissing her with a desperate, fervent hunger he had not known before – not like this.

When he finally let go, his eyes were moist, and two rivulets of tears, shed out of relief and regret in equal measure, were trickling down his face. His heart was screaming and pleading her to forgive him, but the words just barely escaped his mouth. Dainty fingers reached up and softly brushed his cheek, concern and understanding in her eyes.

Just as he set on to speak again, she just lightly shook her head and pulled him in once more.

Slender arms wound tightly around his broad shoulders, and her hands delved deep into the silver masses of his hair, silken strands between her fingers.

His own remaining arm gently slid behind her back, supported by his force-conjured limb, to pull her up and close, always careful not to put too much pressure on her still fragile and healing form. Still, his hand was clutching the fabric of her tunic so hard it was almost shaking, clinging to her with the urgency of a drowning man.

As short and intense their previous kiss was, it was merely a prelude to the additional sweetness and depth of the one they shared now. She yielded under his touch like delicate flower petals under the rain, sinking back into the crook of his arm, as his lips were bearing down on hers with the full weight and ardour of the love he could not contain anymore.

After what seemed like ages, and yet too soon, their lips slowly parted, softly grazing, catching and releasing each other in feverish zeal in between, reluctant to let go.

They would remain, tightly entangled in their embrace, for a long while, trying to steady themselves, their breath still shaky from their madly racing heart. Trying to make up for the loss of his hand, that would have come up to rest at her face at this point, he inclined, giving her nose a gentle nudge with his own.

Santari, who knew the mannerisms of her beloved like no other, picked up his unspoken intention. Memories came welling up, unbidden, in a wave of guilt and regret that had never left her since their altercation on the Shattered Moon, overtaking her mind and finding their final release in a strangled sob, with her own heart begging for a forgiveness it would never grant itself, but knew it was already given by the one her plea was directed towards.

Like an answer, his cheek came to rest against hers, and their tears mingled, building bit by bit into a torrent, running in silence, until one of them finally rose to speak.

And there was so much to speak about, so much that they had to tell each other, that finally had to be said.

As they talked, they made their way up again, towards the top level of the observatory, with Santari leaning on Dagan for support, who had wrapped his arm around her in a protective manner, steadying her, attending her along the way, walking slowly, carefully.

When they arrived, the sun was nearing the horizon, painting the sky in a gradient of fire, that, itself, was fading into the darkening blue of the falling night, wherein the most luminous stars were already glimmering, scattered across the celestial landscape.

They sat down in the spot they so often had frequented once, two centuries in the past, gazing at the starlit sky, dreaming together. His arm remained, tightly wound around her and she sank into his embrace again, as he patiently, intently listened to her, before it was his turn again to speak, in an exchange that would yet become hours of unburdening their hearts.

It was already deep into the night when Dagan’s exhaustion eventually made itself known, getting the better of him after his prolonged, untiring vigil without rest. So, they laid down, snuggled up to each other on their makeshift bed under the stars, heads rested on his cloak, turned into a pillow for them both, and under Santari’s loving and watchful gaze, he finally allowed himself to drift off to sleep – this time, with her keeping guard over him instead.

He woke to her humming, the caressing, feathery touch of her fingers running through his hair, and a smile as warm as the rays of the midday sun that now stood at its zenith in the sky. She was still in the same position she occupied last night, concerned not to rouse him all too early, but also not entirely willing to remove herself from his embrace either, savouring the languid hours of a morning slept-in in the arms of her love, something they were but seldomly granted to do in the past, watching the expression of serenity and peace gracing his exquisitely fair face.

She already felt better, invigorated even, and so did Dagan, who had regained his usual strength after his long overdue night’s rest.

Both agreed that it was now time for them to leave and they set out for the landing platform on which Santari’s ship was stationed.

The ship was an old relic from a bygone era, that Dagan immediately recognized as his own, that, despite its age and traces of usage, had served him well during his countless expeditions, bearing him to many faraway places, just as it now had borne her here.

So, instead of choosing a new one, she took his old ship and made it her own, just as he had planned to do with her droid. He could not help but chuckle at the thought.

Granted, it was an elegant vessel, with its streamlined form, and tasteful, spacious interior, that in its day had its use as the private transport of some aristocrat – at least that is what the previous owner had told him. What most stood out about it, though, was its great maneuverability and speed, that even time and use did not diminish – qualities that, aside from his own outstanding capabilities as a pilot, carried him through the Abyss and back again.

Whereto would it carry them now?

That was the one question that still remained. Where did they go now, without a home to return to!?

But the answer was - it did not matter – truly, it never did. All he knew and all that did matter now, was that he could go anywhere, anyplace, as long as she was with him. His true and only home was her - the home he could not live without, the home that he never wanted to be parted from again.

As he expressed these sentiments to her, he gave in to the thought that had been occupying his mind during the lonesome hours of his vigil, a rekindled dream of yore.

He took a step back, all the while keeping his eyes locked on hers and his gaze, strangely intense, took on an almost imploring quality. Like this, he remained for a moment, his breath shaky, then he sank to his knee, finally daring to ask the once forbidden question that had long since been burning in his heart.

With a gasp of disbelief and recognition, her eyes widened …

It had been a secret dream of theirs, something they once had wondered about - she remembered it like yesterday - born in a blissful moment, as they lay in each other’s arms, snuggled together after lovemaking and immersed in the other’s eyes, exchanging drowsy kisses every now and again, they were envisioning what life would have been like for them together if they were no Jedi, dreaming up a possible scenario … just a woman and a man, bound by no other vows but the one that tied them together as one.

And they would go on - imagining the home they would have built and shared together, a small sanctuary just for the two of them - until they drifted off to sleep, only to wake up again in the life they had - the life of a scientist and a knight of the order, and a love lived in secrecy. Because that was all it was – just a fond wish, a lovely fantasy far beyond their grasp. Tanalorr was the closest they got, and yet it had been taken from them.

But now … times had changed - the order was gone, the Jedi but few, their doctrine a mere relic of the past, and they were free – free to do whatever they pleased – a second chance to try and seize, but even now she would not have dared to believe, to hope, he would be so bold and act – to actually ask her – and yet here they were.

Too overwhelmed to speak, she just stood there for a moment, her hand cupped over her quivering lips, gulping back a sob, before she fell down into his arms, finally blurting out the answer he so longed to hear. With a deep sigh of relief, betraying how tense and nervous he must have felt, he pulled her close and kissed her in his characteristic, passionate manner that always made her knees go weak.

~*~

Frankly, I don't think the assumption that they might have these desires is all that unreasonable, considering they had this dream of a shared home, that was at the core of their overarching plans of building a temple, and achieving great things for the order.

This is especially strong with Dagan … first of all – because it is mentioned by him in the game (along with other things being heavily implied).

When he bleeds his kyber crystal, his voice takes on an increasingly agitated tone, finally peaking when he refers to Tanalorr as “my home” - not his project, his contribution to the order, but his home - and then, when he mentions Santari’s betrayal, everything explodes.

Of course, you also, if not especially, need to consider his formative years as a slave on Arkania (at least how I imagine them to be like), and the influence these had on his needs and desires.

So, why should marrying the woman he loves not be one of these desires!? Maybe not of Dagan the knight, with his lofty and noble ambitions, but of Dagan the man, carrying this wish in his most secret heart.

It definitely sounds like something he would want, and actually act upon once he sees a chance – after all, he’s a very emotionally passionate person, prone to follow his heart’s desire, as well as his instincts more than anything else (just like Anakin), and someone who doesn’t give a f*** about conventions (also very much like Anakin, who also happens to be not the only Jedi ever to have tied the knot, btw – it is said there have always been some to have done this despite the “rules”).

Imho, he’d totally dig this idea of the completely committed nature of marriage, this absolute and unbreakable bond, as well as showing Santari his undying love and devotion this way. And the fact, that it’s very much an official thing – even better! The whole galaxy has to know, too!

As for Santari … I think her sentiments are absolutely the same, but she’s, of course, more the sober-minded and patient one, but not any less strong-willed, nor any less stubborn and defiant than him, if she truly wants something, mind you - it’s just that her nature allows her to act in a far more subtle manner.

One thing is certain - their actions have more than proven that their priorities and loyalties lie, first and foremost, with each other, and no one else!

Ultimately, I feel, getting married is such a great choice for them, because of their bond that runs so deep - a love that is not only profound and strong, but also enduring - and the magnitude of their attachment that is already present.

Sealing this bond in marriage - while being of singular personal importance to them, of course - would only be a symbolic act, in the end, to make said bond visible to the outside world. So, regarding their status as force user and Jedi, it would hardly have any relevance, as the attachment is already there anyway, as I said.

[ Btw, I can’t stand the attitude that emotional commitment and attachment has to be this exclusively negative thing, with predominantly negative consequences. It is said to only lead to the dark side, but, Imho, there is so much potential for the positive in these bonds – if only they can be channeled in a favourable direction.

Only a bond as deep and as powerful as this would be able to produce the emotional impulse of a magnitude strong enough to tear someone away from the grasp of the dark side for good, as was seen with Anakin. I’m actually more than a little surprised that this fact gets overlooked so constantly. Shame!

Besides - as if Jedi hooking up, sleeping around and just leaving with unfazed detachment because “muh rules”, even becoming deadbeat dads in the process, is any better … WTF! And no, producing force sensitive children and potential initiates for the order is no excuse. Ugh, I hate this argument! Whoever must have come up with that must have been a massive fuckboy…

Dagan definitely isn’t such a guy – quite the opposite, in fact!

Good that Luke got rid of that stupid mindset and rule! After all, his father fell, to a significant degree, just because of it. And I wonder how many Jedi did as well, who remain unmentioned – let alone the hearts that got broken because of it. ]

Maybe Tanalorr was the attempt to reconcile these two sides (the two Jedi versus the man and the woman), and make this dream, which he shared with Santari, a reality.

And, of course, "what happens in the Temple on Tanalorr stays in the Temple on Tanalorr", as I read somewhere. ;)

~*~

Some hours later, they were off, heading to Coruscant, leaving Koboh behind for a while, to accomplish what they had planned to do.

At Santari’s urging, they made a stopover at the nearest medical center, for Dagan to finally get a cybernetic replacement for his lost arm. Still full of remorse over what happened on the Shattered Moon base, she felt unable to find any peace of mind until at least the visible signs of the damage, that her saber had wrought, were undone. Dagan, who still felt the pain of his own regret as acutely, perceived her sorrow despite her composed demeanor, drew her in his still one-armed embrace, and tried to cheer her up, voicing his support of the idea, as it would enable him to hold her again like he used to. The prospect, as well as the disarming nonchalance in which it was stated, the playful smirk and the twinkle in his eye, still managed to conjure a smile on her face.

When they returned to Koboh two weeks later, now a married couple, they first made a visit to Pyloon’s Saloon, to look for Zee, as Santari had learned of her whereabouts after her initial arrival on the planet, and was looking forward to meet her old assistant, hoping for her to join them again – especially after the restoration of her memory.

Just as they wanted to enter the saloon, the Mantis emerged in the skies and landed on its usual place on the platform – Cal, Merrin, Greez, and Kata disembarked and came their way.

Cal, who was still reeling from Bode’s betrayal and loss, a downcast and sombre expression darkening his face, lightened up a little at their sight, seeming almost glad to see them.

Once inside, they were about to exchange greetings, still a little tense despite their recently changed, now more amicable relations, when Zee, who had recognized their voices from above, rushed down to greet them, only to be brought up short at the sight of Dagan, of whom she took note with no little bewilderment and shock, the memory of their last encounter still present in her mind.

But when the delicate figure, that clung to his side, his arm gently placed around her, turned her head in Zee’s direction and was immediately recognized as her old master, she came heading towards her in exuberant spirits, an overjoyed exclamation of “Master Khri!” ringing out of her vocalizer, and immediately assailed her with a plethora of questions, inquiring to know about the reason of her sudden appearance, which also aroused the attention of the others in their circle.

Santari explained everything Zee, as well as the others, wanted to know, in her usual calm and patient manner. It was the instant, when she was speaking about Dagan, referring to him as her husband, that took everyone by surprise, and for a moment there was silence.

While it was, by now, known to everyone but Zee, that the bond between Santari and Dagan was one of love (thanks to Cal’s account), none of them had expected the two Jedi to take it a step further and actually wed, in complete defiance of the rules the Order had instilled into them from early on.

Rules that were quickly brought up by the nonplussed droid, who just couldn’t believe her master would ever go against this doctrine - and now seemed so unconcerned about it, happy even, exchanging enamoured glances with her now-husband, who put his affections on display with a boldness that would have made Zee blush, had she been able to.

Curious enough, no one else seemed to have any objections, and, she didn’t know if she read it right, but there seemed to be a subtle note of approval, respect even, colouring the voice of young Cal Kestis, as he joined Merrin in expressing his congratulations to his fellow Jedi.

Following this, the conversation quickly evolved into a discussion about the recent events.

Eventually, they came to the conclusion that it was best to unite regarding the settlement on Tanalorr, as well as the redevelopment of the Jedi temple, and the new directions the teachings should be taken to.

The only matter left to sort out now were the Bedlam Raiders, and what was to happen with them, now that Dagan, their leader, and the only person with enough influence to rein them in, was to depart to Tanalorr.

That is what they were now planning to take care of, before starting their journey together with the others.

Before they set out for the Raiders’ Lucrehulk headquarters, Santari pulled a small device out of her pocket, a data carrier of sorts, and quickly restored Zee’s memory.

Out of consideration, the latter was allowed to wait in the Saloon for their return, instead of joining them on their mission to the place that still held nothing but bad memories for her. Greez, however, was grateful to have someone to help him with the preparations for the upcoming relocation.

~*~

So much for the key part of my AU.

Of course, there is more, but the most important aspect, the big turning point, has been dealt with here.

#please be nice #btw - by keeping certain things to oneself I also mean those intent to argue about the things I write about here #in regards to the validity of my content #again it is my canon and I created it the way I did for a reason - because that is exactly how I want it to be #debates are for real life topics but not for fictional headcanons - these are not up to discussion #again I am looking for like-minded people - not verbal sparring partners - that is literally the ONLY reason I even posted it on here #so can you please respect that and not shit on the little joys one still has left ... it's really not too much to ask for #headcanon #alternate universe #otp #dagan/santari #santari/dagan #daganxsantari #santarixdagan #dagtari #dagan gera #santari khri #star wars #jedi survivor

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