#like I distinctly remember being 12 and being like oh wow I wish I could make art cool enough like that

[birf]

I remember my inner fan child officially felt like I “made it” when I started seeing people use my dabi fanart in edits/amvs and I’m excited cause I could maybe one day feel like that again with my Mello and Matt art

[babischlong-six]

Shipper Tag Game

Thank you for tagging me darling @the-marron !! I haven't even really thought about some of these questions so this was super fun <3

1. What ship were you completely obsessed with when you were a teenager, but now you don't care about anymore?

Looking back, probably any of my favorite ships from Rurouni Kenshin (for obvious reasons). I distinctly remember being very obsessed with Aoshi/Misao and Saitou/Sanosuke

Other than that, my many favorite ships from teen-ager-times still have a place in my heart, and if I'm struggling for something to read, I'll still peek in on their ao3 pages :)

2. Which ship would you consider your first one?

Something from InuYasha probably. Sango/Miroku? Sango/Kagome? Sesshomaru/Rin? Or maybe something from Pirates of the Caribbean like Norrington/Elizabeth or Jack/Will. The thing about "shipping" is that I would absolutely love fictional relationships, but never really "fandomized" about them until I was a teenager, so I can't really say what my first real ship was, just because there were always movies and books I was reading and thinking "Wow! I wish I could see more of these two!" (Athos and D'Artagnan for instance, or Legolas and Gimli) but I was so young that romance didn't really exist for me, it was more about the dynamics

3. Your first fanfic was about which couple?

The first fanfic I ever wrote? No idea. I would be writing all sorts of horribly grammatically incorrect little scenarios in my first (very ancient) computer's notes program - and I can't even remember which of them I published on ff.net. But it was probably something InuYasha - probably just the canon pairings.

The first fanfic I ever read was SasuNaru: it was published on DeviantArt of all places, written like a filler beach episode and I remember thinking it sounded really nice to be eating watermelon on the beach together.

4. Do you remember the first couple you saw fanart of?

Not even the foggiest idea.

5. Have you ever gotten into ship discourse?

Maybe? I advocate for the "ship and let ship" lifestyle and I've had people getting annoyed with me for that, complaining that what I was shipping was not canon or disrespectful to the author (once in the discord FOR lovers of that ship, mind you!)

6. Did you use to have any NOTP or have one currently?

My rule is never say never. There are some pairings I've never seen well done, but if I do see something good, I'll be converted.

7. Who were the couple in the last fanfic you read?

Fitzier 🫣

8. Currently, do you have any OTPs?

See, as a multi-shipper, it's hard for me to have an OTP at all. Like ever. If I like a character, I'm interested in their dynamic with lots of different characters. And even with crack pairs, if I see a beautiful fanart or a well-written fic, or even someone explaining the pair in a way that clicks for me, I'm down.

9. Is there any couple that, to this day, you are extremely mad about not getting together?

Not really. Canon is canon, fandom is fandom. There are a few that I've thought it would be nice if they got together onscreen/on the page but never got angry if they didn't.

10. Is there any ship you used to dislike but now you think they are kind of interesting?

Among many, I would say probably XueXiao. I was absolutely shocked that they got shipped at all - but then I re-read the novel and was like: "Oh. No, yeah, I get it now." Like, I'm not obsessed or anything, but I am compelled by it.

11. Do you have any ship that, in the past, would've been considered normal but now you would be cancelled over?

Everything I have ever shipped in the history of ever, you mean? I love a good age-gap, or an enemies-to-lovers, or some power dynamic play, or even some angsty incest stories, or vicious hatefucking, or dub-con, or---

...You get the idea.

12. What is your favorite crack ship?

Unfortunately, I can't answer the question due to at least half of my ships being crackships. They are from completely different media? Check. They are from the same media but have never once interacted? Check. They have excellent chemistry and a fantastic dynamic but are very unpopular in fandom for whatever reason? Check.

13. What is the couple you read the most fanfics about?

It comes in waves. Sometimes I'm in a sci-fi alien romance mood so I'll head over the Star Trek and B5 route (and read the same G'Kar/Londo fics or Kirk/Spock fics over and over again and cry myself to sleep.) Sometimes my friend writes something for a pairing I've completely forgotten about and I suddenly have to re-read everything they've ever written. Sometimes, I get into a piece of media and have to trawl ao3 for EVERYTHING (within certain parameters) of a certain pair that caught my eye.

14. What do most of your ships usually have in common?

Chemistry. Some kind of ability to constantly bounce off of one another - a constant give and take of meaning and expression.

Unless they can talk with/at each other for hours until they run out of breath and pass out, I'm not as interested. There needs to be banter, no matter if light-hearted or with deeper undertones. They just need to be able to talk to each other, even if most of the conversation is clever obfuscation of what they really mean.

15. What you absolutely hate in a ship?

Anything boring tbh. Oh, they're high-schoolers who are childhood friends and now they're holding hands and blushing? I don't care. Oh, they're planning a seaside wedding and nothing bad has ever happened, ever, and they love one another peacefully? YAWN. Oh, they're sitting down and having a talk about their feelings that sounds like it's come out of a the most recent therapy how-to booklet? Kill me immediately.

Give me adventure! Conflict! Chaos! Even just petty issues! PLEASE! I need these people to be doing something!

This has been very fun!

I'm tagging @elemental-queen-writes @polkadotcravat @bobafvcks @themurdochmemesteries AND anyone who wants to do this!

[irish-urn]

For the fic asks :)

Title: Tribute

Questions: 1, 6, 11, 12, 20, 24, 25, 26

Oh wow!!! I wasn't this!!!

1) How long did it take to write this fic?

--Not that long actually???? The main reason it's in second person pov is that it just FLOWED OUT that way, and Robin/Nightwing had a lot of feelings. I did end up editing it years after I wrote it, fixing up the ending essentially... If I remember right, a reader has made a suggestion and I liked it better...

6) What do you need to write? Is there anything special you need to do/have to help your creative flow?

--Well, mostly I need privacy, which isn't always easy for me to find (I hate the idea of someone reading over my shoulder). It also helps if I have good music playing -- if I have the wrong music, it's no good. But after that, I think it's the usual mix of needing time, inspiration, and energy.

11) Was there a scene that you hadn't originally planned to include? Why did you decide to fit it in?

--I hmm'ed and haw'd over bringing Babs into the story, and having that whole break-up scene. I knew I didn't want Dick to have been alone for those twenty years, but I really needed him to be alone by the time Starfire came back to Jump. So it needed to be written, but I have a lot of mixed feelings about Barbara Gordon anyways??? I like her a lot as a character but I don't like her with Dick. And so... Yeah. How to do what I needed/wanted without anyone being OOC? Sometimes I think about trying to edit that scene again...

12) Was there a scene you wished you could have included? Why didn't it fit in?

--Tbh, no? Dick had a story to tell and we told it well, I think? Maybe in hindsight, I wish I could have included more Wally, but at the time, I was super satisfied with that story and what we chose to tell. 💜

20) What is something you wish more people noticed about this fic?

--Oh gosh. Um. The fact that I really do think I nailed Batman in that scene in the ruined Titans Tower. I am very proud of that scene. But really, it's been so long since I wrote it... I'm just happy when people notice it at all. 😅

24) Did you write every scene in order? What was the first scene you wrote, and what was the last?

--I think so? I really do think I wrote it all in order??? I distinctly remember writing that first scene with Robin crying in the shower, and then... I dunno, like I said, I think it all flowed very naturally???

(I tend to write stories in order. Occasionally I'll get a certain scene in my head and it's so clear and good that I'll write it down, but 90% of the time, I just wrote in order...)

25) Is there anything you would change now about this fic? Why or why not?

--There's a part of me that wishes I could write it now with my skills as a much older writer -- I mean, I wrote that, like... 15 years ago? (Oh my GOSH). So I'm a much much better writer than I was. That being said, it's one of the only TT stories I remain proud of, because even though I know I could write it better NOW, it was my best work at the time, and I don't think I could rewrite it any better, if that makes sense? I don't think editing it would make it any better. And so, it stays the way it is. 💜

26) Wild Card! I'll tell you a fun fact about this fic!

So. I don't know if I've ever mentioned it before, but a lot of the inspiration for this fic came from Betrothed, when Starfire goes heart-eyed over the long-haired guard. And when you compare that guy to Nightwing in the show, AND Aqualad... I mean. C'mon. She had a type. And I respect that.

[callmehopeless]

hi hope! i have a bit of a heavy/personal question, and I understand if you can’t answer due to stress/being overwhelmed, etc- your health comes first. that said, i’m wondering how you knew you weren’t straight. I’ve been seriously questioning if I’m bisexual- I’ve liked men before & just realized I’ve liked girls too. the problem is that I don’t talk to girls (on dating apps, etc) bc I’m scared that I might hurt their feelings if i don’t like them/i’m rly just straight. help a girl out? -❓

Hi Darling! I’d be happy to talk about this, that’s fine by me :)

It’s a hard question to answer, for me, because there was never a moment where I went “I’m gay!” and I had a sudden brainmelt or such. It was a part of my identity that evolved over a long period of time, so it’s hard for me to say how I “knew”.

I went to an all Girls Secondary School when I was 11 or 12, and I remember meeting this girl Claire, and I just remember I thought she was the coolest person in the world, and I wanted to be around her all the time? And we became really good friends, but I just always wanted to become better friends and have her to myself so we could hang out. But every time I did my palms would get super sweaty and I’d feel like I couldn’t speak so it was always weird

I didn’t really consider the implications of that until I was 14 or 15, and I moved to Australia. I had this friend Beth and all of my guy friends were like “so you fancy her” and I was like “hahaha what no” but I DID. I had the same thing, I would try to impress her and goof around because her liking me was the most important thing ever, I just didn’t really know why

Anyway then I got tipsy on Cruisers at a party and kissed a girl for a dare and I was like “oh wow they’re much better kissers than boys and I went all goopy inside” and I talked to my friends about it. They were SUPER supportive, and what with a fair few of them being gay in some fashion, it didn’t feel like a big deal to me

I sort of indirectly “came out” but didn’t really broach it with my parents until I was 17. They were sort of confused about bisexuality, but generally supportive in a “this is a shock, but not super unexpected, but still a shock” kind of way. They didn’t really understand, but they affirmed they loved me regardless. I remember distinctly about a year later they began to do their own research and they started trying to bond with me by like, watching TV and asking me if I thought someone was good looking or stuff and it was weird but my heart felt nice

Now? I just don’t think about it that much. I’m out to everyone I know - I don’t care how they feel about it, because it’s not up to them. I’m not someone who really goes to Pride or such, because I love the gay community, but I feel my sexuality is about me, and I’m just happy doing my own thing

The best piece of advice I can give you is that your sexuality is yours. It’s not anyone elses, and you don’t have to kiss x people to prove it and cash in your card. It’s a spectrum of things, and however you feel about it is yours, too. You don’t have to be proud, or out there, or doing this or that. Just do whatever feels right to you :)

You don’t have to prove to anyone you’re not straight. And you don’t always have to be certain, either. It’s nobody’s business but yours. Do what you feel comfortable with, and do whatever makes you happy

I love you, sweet pumpkin. I wish you all the best <3

[i-am-masterkittens]

You better prepare yourself cause these are Quite A Few Questions 👀👀 3, 4, 11, 12, 15, 21, 23, 31, 33, 39 and lastly 40. Wow. 11 questions lmao

Thank you so much 😭😭❤

3. rant. just do it (I am going to put my whole ass rant under the cut because BOY IS IT LENGTHY. Also tw child abuse, pedophilia, self-harm and I think that’s it.)

4. do you think its ok to separate the artist from the art? No? Like I guess if you want to, that’s fine, I’m not gonna hate you for it, but for me personally I’m gonna try to avoid it as much as possible. If a bad person creates a masterpiece, I’m still not gonna support them.

11. what unusual talent do you have? Uhh mild body contortion? Like I can’t touch my toes for the life of me but I can twist my body really weirdly and bend all my fingertips backwards by a lot. I love freaking people out by doing that.

12. what’s the most interesting schools gossip you’ve ever heard? I have audio-based problems meaning I have trouble understanding someone when they speak and also remembering what they said, so I can eavesdrop on the juiciest gossip and forget the next day. However, I do remember this one thing about some kid named Evan being a vampire, which I distinctly remember because Jake talked about it, but I don’t remember how it came up.

15. what’s a question do you constantly get asked? One would think it would be “omg are you left handed?” Or something similar, but I don’t think anyone’s ever asked me about it. One question I do get a lot is from my boyfriend, “why are you so cute?” It makes me shy and I have to hide my face.

21. what’s a conspiracy you believe in? That there are Warrior cats living somewhere in the world (from the warrior series). Which I guess isn’t a conspiracy, but I believe in it!

23. if you could break one of your bad habits which would you choose? The inability to take care of myself. I mean, if someone wasn’t there to remind me every day, I would never remember to take my medicine, or brush my teeth before bed, or even get dressed half the days. I wouldn’t call it lazy, it’s more of a “I’m too tired to take care of myself”. That’s mental illness for you babey!!

31. you can change one thing in your life right now. what are you changing? OH. I would totally delete every disease in the world. This whole quarantine thing is making me sick physically, emotionally, and mentally, because I am not allowed outside at all and the lack of fresh air, meeting people, and vitamin D is stressing me out and well I feel bad almost all the time now. Not to mention all the cool stuff I was gonna do for my 2020 graduation. 😔

33. what do you think about a lot I sometimes wonder if my best friend would let me call him Jakey or Jakie as a nickname but I’m too shy to ask because I am baby.

39. describe your asthetic Okay so I call it “Pretty-Cryptid, Baby-Softcore.” Because I am baby AND a cryptid. I’ll be eating baby carrots from the bag and staring out the window one minute then I’ll want to be snuggled under lots of blankets the next. I also really love pretty things and colors. Pastel purples and blues? Hell yeah! Pats on the head? I love you. A demon with ethereal vibes and pretty jewelry is standing next to me in bed and telling me everything’s going to be okay? OGHOHOHHHHGH ❤❤❤❤ Anyway I want a pretty monster dad, please?

40. answer with one of your ��school memes’ (inside jokes you have with your class/grade) with no explanation Mr. Wise.

Here’s my rant:

The basis of it all is just that I would probably sleep forever if I could.

I guess that isn’t all quite a rant, so I’ll start of on a mild note. What the fuck is happening to my dreams? I’ve been having these weird ass dreams about people taking care of me and genuinely wanting to become a parental figure to me. They all wear masks, two of which look exactly like SCP-035 and SCP-049, but there’s this one dude, I don’t know him, but he wears this mask with holes in it. Apparently his name is Jason? This isn’t the first time I’ve had a dream about someone who I didn’t know existed, I’ve also had dreams about Monika from DDLC before I knew who she was, and even about how she died. It was creepy as fuck, and I sure hope my dreams don’t come true because I’ve had dreams of the future more than once.

Now that that’s out of the way, let’s get into the heavy stuff, starting with my parents.I know I’m not the only person to have shitty parents, but that doesn’t stop them from being shitty. And before I get into anything, please please, please don’t report them to anyone. It’s probably weird to hear considering all they’ve done, but the guilt will probably kill me literally, and I still kinda love them, I mean they’re my parents and they took care of me. I don’t want anything to happen to them, and I don’t want to have to hurt myself because I did something to them, even if it was indirectly.

It used to be physical abuse, but it’s evolved into verbal as I grew up. Whenever I used to get in trouble, I would get so fucking terrified of what was going to happen to me. My dad, who was mostly absent from my life, (hence my constant wishing for a fictional character to be my dad, and probably a HUGE factor for what’s happening to my dreams lately) was also the most heavy handed with the hitting. He would spank me so hard that I would be crying and my butt would be red for hours. And it was so SO obvious that he liked my sister more than me, because it was always me who ended up with the red butts, and she’d get away with a loud yelling at. Meanwhile my mom would just hit me wherever she could with whatever she could, including a wire coat hanger when she was doing laundry.

And I recognize that I was a problem child, both physically and mentally because of my internal deformities that cause a lot of health problems, but also my weird boyish mentality and energy (I was into roughhousing a lot). But even then, just yelling would be enough to make me stop. Hitting me the way they did only made me learn how to lie to them and hide when I did something wrong.

This sort of stuff went on until about middle school, where it turned into more verbal threats about kicking me out of the house, as well as calling me names and making comments that dropped my self esteem very low, including stupid cow, bitch, and even telling me to hide my body and never wear bikinis or short shorts or crop tops (which I was already sensitive enough about because of my scars and the bump in my abdomen because of my knotted intestines, which gives me digestive issues if I eat too much). Dad almost completely dropped off the disciplinary train, only yelling at me extremely loudly when he got angry, but other than that I did pretty much nothing with him.

Because of them I’ve become extremely paranoid when it comes to touches that aren’t meant to be 100% comforting, and I’ve never been able to fully trust anyone for fear of getting hurt, (I’m sorry Jake :( if it makes you feel better though I trust you the most out of anyone else) and I get nervous when speaking up because I always got shot down by my parents.

It’ll be okay though because I have my boyfriend who I’ll get to live with soon, even if it’s just for the summer.

This isn’t everything that they’ve done, but it’s the majority of it, and even though they do good stuff with me sometimes, like my dad cooks breakfast or takes us out to eat, or we all go on nice vacations together, and it makes me feel guilty that I’m making them look bad, and worry that I’m oversharing or being too sensitive, but then I remember what they do and have done, and remind myself that I’ll only visit during holidays.

When I was 13, I came into contact with a pedophile. My first one out of at least 2 that I remember. I’m going to spare the details, but he tried to roleplay sexual situations with him, and convince me to undress in front of him, and that’s when I cut contact with him, and faked my death. I’m so, SO fucking sick of pedos, and pedo apologists, saying there’s nothing wrong with the age difference, when pedophilia has done nothing good to or for children. It gave me severe PTSD, to the point that I can’t say any words relating to reproduction, and visual-based sexual content will cause me to have flashbacks and panic attacks and cause me to scratch myself. Thanks pedos! Fucking hate you all! Please die.

And before people say I am overreacting, I’ve had this huge trigger since I was 13 and that is not something a kid should go through. And the reason why not a lot of people know about what happened, it’s because of the fear that I harbored, that people would laugh at me, and might use my triggers against me, which made things even worse, and it wasn’t until my boyfriend triggered me (accidentally) that I finally told someone, and it made me feel better that I could rely on him.

Other than that, another rant is about my boyfriend. I mean, he’s a good boyfriend, and he’s nice, but sometimes he comes off as insensitive and it makes me upset. That’s most of the reasons why we fight. Another big thing is lack of affection/attention, which might seems strange since we’re always hanging out, it seems, and cuddling, but sometimes he falls asleep on me and I get bored and don’t know what to do, or sometimes he ignores me to play video games or talk to other people. I am very touch starved so I need constant attention and contact or else I get worried, and I don’t know if he knows this or not, but he definitely comes off as ignorant sometimes. 

He makes up for a lot of stuff he does, but it doesn’t make what he did go away, and I wish he’d realize that and change because he keeps making the same mistakes.

My last rant is going to be about myself, and that I feel like a shit person! I feel like I always make things worse! I feel bad for every decision I make! I feel like I’m too clingy to my boyfriend and that I ask too much of him sometimes, and it makes me feel like shit because what I want and how I feel afterwards are different things and wow! Time for scratches! Also I want to have the power to always know what to do and say to make everyone happier and feel better! But then I get scared I’m gonna make a mistake and instead of trying to help I ignore them and go wow! I am a very shit person for ignoring them! And now my heart hurts because I got another heart palpitation by panicking! Wow I have a shit body! My heart deformities might kill me in my sleep! Wow! I am so insecure about everything I do and every way I look. I just want to become small and disappear sometimes. I miss you Jake. It’s hard for me to tell you I love you because it’s such an intimate phrase and my boyfriend was the first to hear it from me. But I’m glad you’re the second, even though we were so close to it. Somewhere in an alternate universe we’re together, and that makes me happy. I hope I we can become platonically intimate again, I remember holding your hand at night and it made me feel a little bit better at that camp.

My body just always hurts. I have to take a lot of medicine, and between all my heart, lung, and intestinal issues, on top of all my mental issues, majority of which have gone undiagnosed because my mom is in denial and refuses to get me to any sort of therapy; all of that combined makes me tired constantly, and I just always have stress, and a little headache in the back of my head.

I’m still hurting a lot, but I hope to get better. I have lots of ideas for the future, and I want to complete them before I go. I hope I make it past 2020, with many of you in tow.

I’m so tired.

I’m sorry if I made you sad.

[unproduciblesmackdown]

weird to think back on things like the funky experience of being The All A’s/B’s gang and then The All A’s person during middle school and the Smart Kid designation cuz we all have a godawful time within the k-12 education system and also in Higher Education / academia as well and the setup isn’t like, good for anyone though natch between the “lack of attention / occasional positive attention” and “frequent / negative attention” ends of the experience the former is preferable; apparently weird to have been Good Student passing b/c again idk i have good retention and could memorize shit in homeroom for a quiz that day and that was great b/c actually i had godawful / nonexistent study habits and actually basically hated school and did anything last minute and all but like whatever, i could figure out / understand and remember shit more efficiently / faster than usual so like, idk, i’d get wild results ig. and anyways yeah Smart Kid throughout all of k-12 but like, although i don’t think i’m Not smart in any way, it’s like, but no i hated school and never really tried, that inferred correlation wasn’t there but like also there’s the weird Presumed Identity for you. and it Was weird b/c idk i was like, okay? “perpetually nebulous / imprecise / uncertain sense of identity” gang out here and i’m like hmm okay Am i “the good grades getter?” and then apparently you are cuz like welp that’s the Expectation, and also in my case i was also in the “oops let’s minimize ptsd party” gang of Gotta Get As/Bs motivation..............the point is like, it’s funny how despite that concept of what The A’s Getter is, by now i’m like oh but that’s not even like, my Main Thing, much less my Whole thing. my main thing is that i get wildly interested and passionate about stuff and when i’m really about shit i’m So about it and into it and all that yknow. and it’s like, would be cool if i hadn’t had to like, first fight past this arbitrary Assigned Box to even start to figure out what i’m Really like. but Schools aren’t out here about like allowing for people to be varied individuals and shit. plus, weirdly i’m not sure if i hadn’t had that “Positive” Label to supplant any others that my autistic ass would’ve been largely left alone as much as it generally was............even I didn’t get through middle school w/o some light bullying peppered in there but hey for the most part i got by. and like, i remember 15 was a time for a wild Agonizing Spike cuz that was the point i was having to try to settle on a college major and i was like bitch i don’t know!!! for starters how is every 19 / 20 y.o supposed to know!!! but like litchrelly a year and a half ago my ass was in middle school and barely had any opportunities to individually choose what to pursue, and even if i Had an interest i would sometimes assume if it didn’t seem like The Smart Kid choice i would just assume that like, my interest would only be Allowed to go so far. so yeah i’m 14-15 for the first time having a little breathing room and allowed to pick out my own shit and investigate various stuff (cuz of the luck of getting to live on campus aka parents are Not around and i can be around for more than just Classes) and yet like, that wasn’t enough time to suddenly Fully Realize The Whole Of My Own Identity And What My Actual Passions And Life Goals And Etc Are. plus i kinda remember that i figured i’d flunk out and so was kinda Not spending freshman year expecting to actually be able to do this college thing.....so yeah i always distinctly remember the Stress of sophomore year with this Timer counting down of “gotta declare a major oh god” and trying somehow to Realize What I’m Even Like (i did partially lmao outside of the Academic aspect of it) and obviously like, that’s a Lot.......................plus it was kind of doomed anyways cuz i do remember that when i even mentioned the fact of like “hey what if i majored in ______ [cuz i’m evidently actually like thinking social issues are what i’m thinking i could dedicate my attention to, i’m 15 idk trying to figure this shit out]” and it got immediately brushed off cuz of my mom’s assumptions about what i was like based on my being Smart(tm) and my not wanting to tell my parents about anything Actually about myself by that point so that was like..........well cool to know that that’s not an option for me anymore thanks to immediate dismissal........................like i totally remember that by sophomore year i was def Swiss Idol and “i don’t have a clue what to major in” was a big part of that 9_9...............and like, doing college early is kinda crazy but also Not having high school to mayyyybe figure things out for a bit before hurtling towards Declare Major at 92384 mph is like, would it have helped? who can say. but for example, i know Now i’m a theatre gay, and the limited number of friends-ish i made at college was basically all theatre gays what a surprise, but i myself didn’t ever touch that because i had No direct experience with it, because middle school didn’t have that extracurricular, and then being dropped into hs with people who did? i was like fuck i’m not auditioning for shit i really don’t know how to do. i’m not even Supposed To Be Here goddamn!! i can karaoke avpm in the first floor lounge that’s IT!! fuckin r.i.p. but i mean also i Know high school is it’s own fuckin mess that’s hardly like “flourish as individuals!!” all a sudden. like how i don’t know if i’d’ve been “solid B’s” gang if i would’ve had more room to just figure out my own shit earlier, or if things would’ve been even More miserable cuz of my replacement Type being something more frowned upon cuz weird loser was def waiting in the wings............and then of course Smart Kid expectation constraints wasn’t hardly the only issue in holding back that “oh wait but what am i like *Actually*” process cuz if i was in high school i would’ve been around my parents every day and That was just as much if not more a hindrance in figuring myself out. like going to college may have been useful in that yes i did learn shit but if nothing else i am glad for it b/c the strides i made in “god damn i have to get away from these people (my parents lmfao)” and knowing at least that i’m not Like what THEY thought i was like was E ssen tial Knowledge..........but anyhow like the point of looking back on this shit isn’t to figure out How To Have Run The Perfect Course cuz obviously what’s the point in imagining as broad a what-if, but it’s good for Understanding shit currently..........like oh yeah this crap probably Affected me!! and you gotta know the history to understand the present...............it’s just really wild how like, Passion and (rarely activated) Energy And Intense Interest is like, what i consider my Thing now, and that was like. not what i ever heard anyone else tell me that’s what i’m Like, like, ever basically. i mean not that i don’t think i’m Not smart. it’s just like, not my whole thing and it just kinda feels more incidental, right. What If the whole time i’d been able to pursue whatever i felt like is a wiiiiiiiild question i don’t even know. there’s been so Little of that that’s its absolutely off the shits to be able to put together “oh right i’ve been a theatre gay all along” and “actually i Have performed on stage a decent number of times and supremely thrived in those experiences and i Know i was interested cuz i wished like (@ my family: dni)” and have this very simple (and thus far unusable) Knowledge about something i actually like and am interested in, cuz for the most part it’s [??? ?? ? ?? ???]

on a shorter but related note: the Camaraderie i feel with everyone in the “either has or wants to or would even seriously consider Cutting Ties with parent/s" gang and like, always very Interested in the various experiences within this v broad category. cuz there are so many factors playing into Why you’re in this group and then there’s so many factors in regards to whether someone actually feels able to ditch a ‘rent or two, and then beyond that, all the factors in whether someone’s actually able to............like, knowing that it’s never “lucky” to have to be in this group in the first place, i fairly am Lucky about it in many ways cuz, first of all, lucky to have been able to actually execute [eff off from parents] maneuver, and lucky to get to Know that’s what i totally needed to do........we are all Valide in how we try to deal with relations w/ parents that are so bad you even have to think about “maybe i have to Not Have This Person In My Life At All” and like, when people are dealing with that but Don’t feel they have the option to truly cut that parent or two out of their life, that’s like, well as someone who once felt that way and can Empathize and yet also had these Factors Line Up which let me peace out which aren’t factors that are in play for everyone (as well as a lack of other factors which Are relevant for others and which might mean Leaving Behind Parent/s 5eva isn’t an option they’d consider) it’s like Oh wow, let me hear more about that experience. tldr the camaraderie

oh and ps. it’s funny how like, in my post-being-in-school life, i thiiiiiiiink people usually probably assume i’m Kinda Dumb if anything. cuz the Grades don’t exist anymore but i’m still autistic!!!!! which is another wild factor in thinking about like “well what if [some aspect of my life] had been entirely different, hmmm” cuz it’s like. well i’d’ve still been autistic lmao..............the Social shit has like, been an issue even before the other usual shit in school cuz i Knew i wasn’t fitting in at preschool when all we were doing was like, learning colors and going outside. and it always was a bit distressing to me Never really having more than a couple friends and even then not that close or anything, right? and also how i’d try to Fix this with various strategies and trying out different situations like “oh well i’m not putting myself out there i’ll put myself out there” [tries it and it half-backfires] or “well if i’m spending a weekend with people who know me from Online they’re gonna like me for sure” [majority of ppl in a sub Friend Group i’m peripheral to and i’m intermittently stressed the whole time] “Ah Fuck” lmao and honestly only recently am i like oh right..............when you’re autistic socializing just in a very fundamental way is really like That*.................(*a way i can’t easily explain lmao)............like really just in mad recent times kind of realizing like, oh, okay, i don’t think i can ever Adjust My Approach and just suddenly become good at Easily Makes Friends and that kind of shit..............finally just kinda realizing like ohh right okay i really just do Not do “normal good conversation” like you’re supposed to and that’s just chill The Way It Is not necessarily “not good enough at it” way but It Just Is Different way like........yeah it can be Not Pointless to try to modify your social approach and that’s true for absolutely anyone, but like say, if i’m like oh if i simply get Better at [social interaction task] i will then finally be Good at it, it’s like, shit well that’s honestly just not how it works for me. like, #getting how after a point it’s like “okay learning to do [task] in a way that’s more [like this] is maybe gonna be better for Masking / seeming allistic but like, not for Actually giving me a social experience that’s more fulfilling for Me.” Plus, it’s like, i’m also way more (or okay at least As Much) socially limited by external factors, probably. 

pps oh and also, tangentially related b/c Autistique, it’s wild how every time you delve into (something At All specific about autism) you’ll probably learn something Utterly new about autism which is like god damn this isn’t That niche why haven’t i heard this!! why do i have to know there are 538 other would-be “i should already know this” revelations waiting for me about this topic cuz you have to manage to dig up this stuff on your own and dodge all the unhelpful bullshit types of sites where it’s Not about info from people / for people who are autistic? please. it’s almost like this is a constant and important part of my identity that affects p much every aspect of my life and is helpful to hear others’ info about the collective experience of it b/c like, it’s literally all in your own head and you can’t just somehow Know the ways you’re different in that realm just from emergent traits you can pick up on and figure out. ugh!!!! anyways

this is LONG but NO readmore b/c eh. who am i if not [i hope everyone hates my blog this week.jpg] every week

[talk-turned-2-screams]

story time!

So I was in a terrible accident back in May and I need people to know about it. I just want people to be aware and I want them to learn from my mistake.

I was on my way back from my last creative writing class for the semester and I got onto the freeway no problem but I wasn’t going straight home. My cousin and I had planned to watch Star Wars together that day (it was a Monday). I was looking forward to it too.

Anyways, its a two lane highway and I was in a downhill portion when I put cruise control on (which is important later and isn’t something I would normally do). So here I am going 80 down a slight hill and I’m not in control over the speed, the car is. I reach for my phone (next piece of the puzzle) which is in a clip on my dash board. I bring up my maps but I can’t remember my cousins address so I just look up the road that gets me there (I can remember once I get to a place but just getting to this street is complicated from where I was).

So I’m looking down typing in this street name with my right hand and my left hand controlling the wheel when I hear this gravel/pebble sound. I look up and see that the left side of my car wasn’t on the pavement anymore. Naturally, I go “oh shit” and tried to correct, but this is where physics was playing against me. 

If you remember, I said earlier that cruise control was on around 80 mph, and once my tires hit the gravel my car slowed down (due to the extra friction and lack of traction on the loose rocks). When the cruise is engaged, the car automatically accelerates when it slows down below the set speed. As I tried to correct, the car was accelerating onto the pavement, and as soon as the tires got some semblance of traction they spun out. I was sent into a sliding spin and I thought I was going to get hit by the cars behind me, but I was so beyond wrong.

I was in the left lane facing the proper direction, and now I was spinning and I crossed into the right lane looking at the cars coming at me (there weren’t very many cause 1. small town I was leaving and 2. it was 3:45 in the afternoon on the Monday after Mother’s Day). I’ve been pressing the brake trying to stop myself when I realize that my car wasn’t stopping. I was trying to gain control but then I see this curb. And this curb is kind of shaped like a ramp. It’s about 12 inches tall and angled. Wanna know what that curb was doing? Well I’ll tell you. 

It’s there to keep cars from GOING DOWN A 200 FOOT HILL.

Now where was I… Oh ya. Okay so I go over this curb. 

Ya you read that right. I went over. And as soon as I hit this curb I felt nothing. I mean I literally felt the jarring of my little acura hitting the curb. But after that I didn’t see or hear or feel anything. At the time, I had no idea I had passed out and I had told paramedics later that I was conscious the entire time (I don’t think they believed me). 

Every thing was dark and empty but I was trapped in my mind thinking. These thoughts were how I knew I wasn’t dead. And boy did I think I was going to die. I was actually waiting for the light to go out in my mind, for the thoughts to cease, for my memories to stop streaming. The singular thought I distinctly remember was, Are these thoughts going to stop? I couldn’t help it. There is no way someone walks away from this type of accident. Let alone the way I did. 

I knew there was something special when I woke up and my car engine was still running. But that wasn’t the first thing I noticed. I noticed that my radio was still playing. So my phone wasn’t broken. And it was within range of the bluetooth but I couldn’t find it. I think “Daddy lessons” Beyonce with the Dixie Chicks was still playing and it had been playing before I went over so I knew that less than 6 minutes had passed (this is how I gauge time). I saw smoke (it was from the airbags deploying) so I turned the car off immediately. 

That’s when I just look at my door. There is no way this door was going to open, yet when I pulled the handle it swung right open. And the first thing I see is the Red Deluxe album booklet on the ground and that’s when I started crying. 

Not because I felt any physical pain, but because I thought I lost all of my CDs in the crash. Later I found that EVERY SINGLE TAYLOR SWIFT ALBUM I HAD IN MY CAR WERE PERFECTLY FINE (minus a few scratches and some dirt) 

So here I am sitting on the ground in tears hugging a small booklet to my chest. I end up not being able to find my phone but I find my broken glasses (which I had just gotten the month before) and I honestly was like wow I didn’t even think about my glasses when I got out of the car. I just screamed “Help me please! Anyone!” Back in March I bought an Apple Watch and everyone I knew was saying it was a waste of money, but I beg to differ because that day it was my one connection to my family and any help. I called my dad and couldn’t control my sobbing as soon as I heard his voice. My watch was on my left wrist and as I was looking at the screen I noticed my thumb was numb and totally swollen. I thought it was broken (and I was like my no broken bone streak has come to an end). I was still able to move it and it wasn’t a splitting pain, but it was significant and I knew that if there wasn’t so much adrenaline in my system it would hurt even more. I couldn’t wait to actually get off the ground and get everything checked out.

I tried to stand up to see around me a little better (kind of hard without my glasses), but that’s when I got extremely nauseous and my vision started fading to black. I sat back down and tried to calm my breathing while talking to both of my parents and that’s when I hear this voice from the other side of the wreck and I thought, Wow the paramedics are here already? But I later learned that this beautiful soul had stopped after he saw everything happen in his rear view mirror and called 911. He slid down this hill (which was covered in poison ivy) to help me. I was able to find out who he was and thank him for taking the time to be such a good samaritan. There was something in the way he spoke that calmed me and I was able to stop my sobbing breathes.

When the actual paramedics showed up I was unable to see clearly. Everything was a very bright shade green like someone turned up the contrast all over. And then that faded to bright magenta (which isn’t even a naturally occurring color and is the absence of green) I was scared cause I didn’t think I would ever see normal colors again. But I stood up with the assistance of a firefighter and he brought me around the car once they cleared the branches and debris. I started asking questions about what was going to happen. And then of course me being me, I say, “I know this sounds materialistic but will I be able to get my stuff?” Thankfully, the guy was super sweet and he said once they get it towed and to the junk yard I will be able to get into the car and get anything I needed/wanted. I just went thank God. 

I wasn’t able to walk back up the hill. Physically it would have exhausted my body even further, and I didn’t need that. Plus I was in my Taylor Swift sneaky cat Keds and I wasn’t about to ruin those. There was this basket that they were gonna put me in to bring me up this hill. Before we started up the hill they asked if there was anything that I wanted right now out of the car. I said my phone, my purse and at the last second the cross that was hanging on the rear view mirror. I clung to that cross like it was my one thing tethering me to life. (I was nowhere near death but like still) 

They had to put me in this annoying ass collar which prevented me from moving my neck. They said it was because of the nature of the accident (because the car flipped and rolled) and they didn’t take it off till the cat scan was clear of spinal trauma. I found out later from my chiropractor that whiplash did occur but it wasn’t enough to raise any red flags. So I’m in the ambulance and I have to get an IV and I was so scared and my aunt and uncle were already at the scene following us in their car. I was so beyond the physical trauma cause all I could think was what they were gonna say or how they were going to react. I felt like I let them down somehow which I know is ridiculous but I couldn’t help it. 

SO… I get to the hospital they do a bunch of tests and then comes the worst part. I HAVE TO USE A FUCKING BEDPAN! They had to check to make sure all my internal organs were working or some shit. But I don’t have to fucking pee. plus I am toilet trained (duh) and I wasn’t about to pee in bed. The thing was I wasn’t allowed to drink or eat or get up because I had that stupid collar on and they hadn’t finished looking at the cat scan yet. So THANK GOD my nurse was awesome and just let me wait till the test was done. I was fine just a little dehydrated. 

Another nurse lent me her phone charger which was awesome. I was gonna watch tv but I couldn’t see the screen cause I didn’t have my glasses. Honestly it was the most boring 4 hours of my life. My parents and aunt and uncle were all in the room around dinner time and I was just so ready to go home and sleep. I was discharged and I was like can we get my things out of the car.

There was a fee to get in after hours but I had a laptop and other things that I didn’t want to leave overnight. So we get to the car and my mother is bawling her eyes out which I just wanted her to stay in the car but nooo she had to just be right beside me (I understood why she was reacting the way she did but I wish she would tone down her emotions in public). 

But I mean this is what we saw walking up and it doesn’t do it any justice so it makes sense she was emotional.

So we are trying to get things out of the car and there’s glass and the doors won’t open because they had to use two tow trucks to bring it up the hill and they probably had to squish things down. I’m just trying to find things and I had books and my backpack and a suitcase cause I had just come back from visiting my parents the night before and I hadn’t taken it out yet. As I’m going through my suitcase, I notice that it’s unzipped and one half is completely empty. That’s when I start flipping out cause my stuffed animal (the one I’ve had since I was 1 that I got from my late nonni) is nowhere to be found. I’m flipping out and my mom is on the other side asking what what’s wrong? Two seconds later I’m fine cause I checked the other side and low and behold she’s right there. Meow was in my arms the rest of the night and I haven’t been able to sleep without her since. I got almost everything out of the car (I even got the radio I installed). My laptop wasn’t in the car cause it got thrown from a window during the crash.

We get a call after we leave from the tow truck driver and he says he found the laptop in the manager’s office so we go back and get it. It doesn’t work cause it was THROWN FROM A FUCKING CAR (I got it to work for about a month before the logic board decided to die and I have yet to get a new one).

I get home and I just want to sleep but I needed a shower and I felt helpless cause everyone was helping me do things and I just wanted to do things on my own. I had band-aids and painkillers and an ace bandage on my left thumb and wrist to help with the sprain. I wanted sleep. I was nauseous.

As soon as I put my head on my pillow and closed my eyes, I was spinning. My head, my room, my stomach. Everything. I didn’t know what was going on and my eyes shot open. I was breathing heavily. That’s when I realized my body remembered spinning and flipping, but my brain didn’t. I was scared to sleep, and I didn’t know if I was going to get any rest.

I did get sleep, but when I woke up the next morning I felt like my entire body was a bruise. And for good reason. I went through something no one should live through let alone barely injured. The full extent of my injuries was a couple of bruises, a scrape on the inside of my left arm (which is now a scar) and glass pockmarks (which left a couple of dark spots). I had a couple of mosquito bites on my shoulders, and I still can’t believe I had no broken bones.

I know some people may think how are you here? and my only answer that makes sense is I had a guardian angel. I had someone looking out for me. There was actually a distinct space around me where the car did not cave in.

And here’s my reasoning behind this: There was actually a distinct space around me where the car did not cave in. this picture is looking from the passenger side towards the drivers side.

There is a rounded part by the gaping hole in the windshield that you can see. There where my head was. I also had no pain or bruises from the seatbelt and my legs were not injured or in pain at all.

There was something or someone that put this shroud of protection and I just cannot be more grateful for this second chance at life. I am not going to take my life for granted and I want other people to know that things are hard, but there are those that love and care and sometimes it takes a jarring life or death event to make us realize that.

[springbender-blog]

RULES: Always post the rules. Answer the questions asked, then write 11 new ones. Tag 11 people to answer your questions, as well as the person who tagged you.

I was tagged to do this FMA-centered tag by both @greedoda and @ladywiltshire, thank you soooooooo much!!

I kinda don’t want to do this twice though, so I’m going to take my favorite 5 questions from each of yours and answer those - I hope that’s okay! There are also two questions you both had that were the same so I’ll do those too - a total of 12! You lucky nuggets.

Okay, so, the questions under a read more!.......I WROTE WAY TOO MUCH and there’s a lot of analysis....I got really really carried away. :B

Greedoda’s questions:

1. Which two characters do you think have the best dynamic in the series?

Personally, I have to say I love Ed and Ling’s dynamic? They make a great team and they’re such dorks! The couple of episodes where they’re stuck together in Gluttony’s stomach are two of my favorite episodes. As well as just, how they go from Ling pissing Ed off monumentally (I mean, he does set his “goons” and/or “lackeys” on Ed during their first meeting XD) to being just the closest bros, looking out for each other to the end (which I guess definitely includes Greed as well)! It’s a dynamic I wish we saw more of in the show, if I’m being totally honest. They’re two of my favorite characters, and all of their interactions were hysterical.

2. Would ed like milkshakes?

Actually I think it’s canon that he does!! During the episode where he’s trying to get Scar’s attention by going around and fixing things with alchemy, he’s shown afterwards drinking a milkshake with Al and laughing about how he’s “pretty sure everyone in Central knows his name by now”.

3. Favorite character development?

SCAR’S. OKAY??? SCAR’S. Don’t even get me started, holy shit. We, as the audience, start by thinking of him as just this cold blooded murderer, then we realize he’s Ishvalan, which gives him motive, but we still don’t particularly like him, you know? But that’s only in episode five! 

Throughout the whole show we learn more and more about him, we watch him falter for killing Ed when he throws himself in front of Winry, remembering his own brother doing that for him. We see him bring along Yoki, for apparently no reason at all?? Like, Yoki just runs after him and he could kill him, especially since Yoki caused him trouble! But, he doesn’t? And then May comes along and you can see him accepting her and starting to care about her and listening to her and making sure she’s safe. You see him fight alongside Ed and Al because he HAS to, You see him bring along Marcoh despite all the things Marcoh had done to his people - despite Marcoh begging him to kill him. You see how Winry’s binding of his wound (though not forgiving him) affects him because he doesn’t think he deserves it. You see how his attitude is changed further by Miles, until, by the end, he’s honestly one of Ed and Al’s strongest allies. He rallies a group of Ishvalans to help during the Promised Day. And then joins Miles in trying to reform Amestrian’s view of his culture - HOW CAN YOU NOT LOVE SCAR I DON’T EVEN. !!!!???

4. Favorite villain?

Okay, I’m honestly not sure if Greed counts, so other than him, definitely Envy. I just love that good-for-nothing garbage lizard. *shaking head* They’re so complex!! I think a lot of has to do with their attitude - the sarcasm and condescending yet cheery tone of voice they always sport makes them oddly endearing and funny, despite how much a terrible person they are. And then to find out all of this hides tons of insecurities because they’re jealous of humans. They pretend to be so much and so powerful and unstoppable but they feel like the most inferior worm (and they are - literally). I just...yeah I love their character!

5. What fma merch do you want, or wish existed?

I REALLY WANT AN FMA BLANKET. Like, just something simple, like red with the main crest on it, or something. I know they exist! I also really want a poster!

And now for the Lady’s:

1. Do you remember your first time watching or reading Fullmetal Alchemist? What was your first impression? 

I remember the first time I ever saw it (not watched), I was passing my sister on our home computer. I distinctly remember seeing a young girl in pink with a lot of braids and a tiny panda bear making something glow like blue lighting (*choking noises*) and I asked my sister what it was and she said “Fullmetal Alchemist” and I was like “Oh” and brushed it off because she’d talked about it before but I wasn’t interested? (wtf was my problem??). But maybe a few months later my friend watched it and at that point I just had to. The hype was real when I finally started, and the hype was even bigger for Brotherhood. I remember being halfway through 03 and watching the first FMAB opening and just getting chills, I couldn’t wait to get to it, and boy did it live up to my expectations and more from episode one.

2. Tell me about a scene that really touched your or made you realize something about yourself.

My first thought is immediately the episode “Interlude Party”. I mean, I know that episode is pretty much just a summary of what’s happened so far, but the bits in between with Hohenheim talking to Pinako, to baby Trisha, to especially the part with Hohenheim getting overwhelmed by Father, who stands there laughing at the “puny foolish humans” who live only to die, so they may as well use them - and we can see the shadows of the dancing morphing and turning into something...else - followed by Trisha interrupting this train of thought by that’s what makes humans strong. The fact that we die. The fact that we change. And the fact that that’s what makes us so undefeatable, because we don’t give up. And this is followed up later with Envy being jealous of humans, because of this very same reason - our resilience and determination against all the forces against us, including ourselves. 

And I think that that’s so true. And that gives me strength to keep going.

3. Funniest headcanon you’ve ever seen. Go!

Okay this is definitely a tie. The first is the one where huge rumors sprout up about Ed after the Promised Day and everyone bombarding Fuhrer Mustang about all these far fetched things until Mustang finally says something like “Edward Elric is a 30-something-year-old-man living in Resembool teaching his daughter how to make apple pies” or something like that. The other is the one where Ed is in Xingese history books as “the man who fed the emperor a shoe”, for obvious reasons. That’s just. GREAT.

4. What spurred you to join the fandom?

Actually, it was totally on accident! There was a long, long part of me and my tumblr experience that believed FMAB was NOT my favorite anime. And then I started realizing, I posted a lot of it on my blog? Like, instead of random FMAB between the multifandom mash of cringe and zero tagging systems, it started to become FMA that I saw the most of on my dash and blog. And I realized, like someone had flicked me in the face, that wtf, this show is actually so important to me and where would I be without it??? 

5. Have a fandom meltdown here and tell me why you love your fandom or show/comic so much!

AAAHHH everyone here is SO nice and I’ve managed to keep my dash (mostly) discourse free! Everyone is so supportive of each other and have the same passion as I do for this show. There are SO MANY talented artists, including musical artists, which is amazing, and SO MANY funny things and funny memes that come from this fandom. I’m honestly so glad I’m a part of it, even if I don’t contribute much myself other than screeching in my tags!

And here, the two you both asked!!

1. OTPs! Who are they? Edwin is top of the list!! I’ve shipped them all the way from the beginning, and to see them come together in canon - and in such a NERD WAY - I just love them so much. I also ship Lingfan, Almei, and Royai!

2. Favorite opening/ending number and why?

My favorite opening is Opening 3, Golden Time Lover, for a L O T of reasons. The way it goes from the soft melody in the background to the much harsher tones above just convey all my feelings for it, because this opening is both soft, and rough and to me it just perfectly conveys the stories’ struggle, and the journey forward. The elements of the zooming in and out, the sweeping camera angles, and the sudden changes in the action between teasingly slow and choppily fast. There is SO much contrast in this song, and in the animation to match it. Literally, this opening is a masterpiece and thinking about it makes my heart race.

My favorite ending is Ending 2, Let It All Out. GOD THIS SONG. Wow. It just, tears at my heartstrings a little. A lot. First of all the animation is stunning. Secondly, the lyrics are just, amazing. “There’s no need to pretend you’re so strong” and “Let’s turn our pain and tears into stars”??? Jesus christ, how lovely is that?! And how it changes from half screen to full screen with the climax of the chorus. The emphasis on Ling, Lan Fan, and Fu, and  then on May, as well as Ed and Al and Winry. The way it STARTS with Winry. It just symbolizes strength in such a simple way - through the fear of what living has done, what it could do, and still being able to move forward. It’s a very powerful song to me.

OKAY! And since that took me over an hour to answer (I regret nothing and thank you both so much for giving me the opportunity to gush without restraint...) I’m not going to tag anyone or make new questions myself. Frankly, I’m too tired and my imagination is spent. XD 

I hope you all enjoyed reading this! Thanks again! Love you all!

[yahoo-shutdown-corner-blog]

Thirty-one thoughts from a Falcons fan on giving up 31 straight Super Bowl points

In which a lifelong Falcons fan tries to come to terms with the soul-crushing, bone-shattering, faith-destroying brutality that was Atlanta’s loss in Super Bowl LI.

1. OK, first off – congratulations to the Patriots. That was a hell of a comeback. That was an astonishing performance by Tom Brady, and the man is now the GOAT. No argument from me. New England put on an outstanding performance, and deserves the W.

2. That said: s—.

3. My entire prediction for this game—a Falcons victory—revolved around the idea that the Atlanta offense had to produce enough points to outrun the defense’s shortcomings. Sort of like building a sandcastle as fast as you can before the ocean tears it away.

4. I also said this would be a shootout. And it was, except that Atlanta was that dumbass unnamed bad guy who empties his clip in the air while the cold, calculating hero waits for his shot.

5. And I figured this game would be a classic, coming down to a one-possession game inside the final five minutes. It gives me no pleasure to be right about any of those.

6. That said, if you’d told me prior to kickoff that this game would be tied with a minute left and Matt Ryan would be holding the football, I’d have accepted that in an instant. Funny world, huh?

7. I remember the moment I knew this could turn bad. It came midway through the third, right when Tevin Coleman scored to put the Falcons up 28-3. And I distinctly thought, “Wow, if Atlanta blows this, it’ll be the ugliest collapse in NFL history!” The thought, given life, took root in my skull.

8. As my colleague Eric Edholm noted, when Coleman scored that touchdown, there was 28:28 left in the game. The Patriots then controlled the ball for 20:34 of the remaining time. Tough to win with those numbers against you.

9. Unless, of course, said touchdown resulted in a 25-freaking-point lead.

No. No no no no. That did not just happen. (Getty Images)

10. Or maybe I cursed this team in this story—from October!—when I wrote the words “Atlanta Falcons, Super Bowl champions.” I probably doomed the entire team right then and there. Sorry, Atlanta.

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11. Look, it’s the coldest of comforts to say that the Falcons weren’t even expected to get this far, but it’s still true. I’ve followed this team since it plodded through the skin-shredding infield of Atlanta-Fulton County Stadium, back when the Falcons and Braves shared that circular UFO. To think that bumbling crew would end up here …

12. Hope is always the cruelest of emotions. I allowed myself to hope. For about 90 minutes, I started thinking of my team as Super Bowl champions. Which, to be fair, is 90 more minutes than I’d been able to for my entire life before tonight.

13. Once again: s—.

14. Back when I used to live and die with every pitch of the Braves, I would experience this strange sensation every October. I knew every Atlanta pitch would be golfed into the seats, I knew every Atlanta batter would flail as if he was swinging a pool noodle. I hadn’t felt that way in a long time, until the fourth quarter of tonight’s game. I knew Tom Brady would find an open man on every snap, I knew the Falcons would get stuffed on every play, I knew every Atlanta defensive stop would get overturned with a stupid-ass penalty flag. I knew it as surely as I know my kids’ names.

15. Which are not Choke and Fumble, by the way.

16. Speaking of my kids … this moment here, the pick-six. Don’t ask me where this ranked in relation to the birth of my children:

Better times for Atlanta. (Getty Images)

17. Julio Jones made what should have been a career-defining catch with just over three minutes left in the game and Atlanta up by 8. Atlanta was on the New England 22. That’s a 39-yard field goal. Matt Bryant was 27 of 28 from inside 49 yards this season. One play, one kick, and Atlanta would have been up two possessions. That’s going to hurt for a long, long time.

18. One day I’ll be able to acknowledge that the Julian Edelman catch off Ricardo Allen’s leg was the greatest in Super Bowl history. Today is not that day.

19. Atlanta is now 1-for-168, championship-wise, in all its professional seasons. That’s a stat that just never gets any easier to stomach.

20. Oh, and we have the glorious joy of knowing that any time a team goes down by double digits in any Super Bowl forevermore, some chirpy announcer will say, “Remember how the Patriots came back against the Atla-” and I will have to buy a new TV because I will have just thrown a chair through mine.

21. When the Braves lost the 1992 World Series, I punched the brick wall of a bar. When Mark Wohlers gave up a home run to Jim Leyritz to effectively lose the 1996 World Series, I smashed my hands down on my Ikea computer desk hard enough to snap the keyboard shelf right off. This time, I destroyed no property or body parts. I couldn’t summon up the energy.

22. How would you handle being on the losing end of the greatest choke—yeah, we gotta own that—in NFL history? I mean, it’s not quite like being down 3-games-to-1 in the NBA Finals, but still … how would you handle it?

[Yahoo Store: Get your New England Patriots championship gear right here!]

23. After the final touchdown, before the confetti even hit the turf, I was out the door with my dog, taking a walk to calm my head before getting back to, you know, my job. Out on the streets, I saw three neighbors doing the same thing. We all caught each other’s eyes, shook our heads in disbelief.

Brutal. Just brutal. (Getty Images)

24. I am genuinely happy for my New England friends. I wish it wasn’t at my expense, but hey, you want to see your friends happy.

25. The New England trolls who have been slithering out from under their barstools at me, though … you guys can go choke on your chowder. Everything I wrote here about why Atlanta is better than Boston still holds true. And those of you who didn’t have a dog in this hunt but are still coming with your “funny” tweets … I’m taking names.

26. That said: this is pretty good.

pic.twitter.com/7SU0YUf83K

— 2DOPEBOYZ (@2DopeBoyz) February 6, 2017

27. I want to believe Atlanta will be back. Matt Ryan, Julio Jones, the running tandem—they’re all in the prime of their careers. But the football writer in me knows the long odds against a team losing the Super Bowl getting back to the big game—it hasn’t been done since the early 1990s with the Buffalo Bills.

28. If the Falcons DO get back into the Super Bowl, I won’t feel comfortable with a win until the Victory Parade.

29. Did I just plan a Victory Parade for an as-yet-unplayed Super Bowl in an indeterminate future season? Yes I did. That’s all we’ve got left right now.

30. No, seriously, s—. Also f— and g——– and x—- and w——- and whatever other curse words you know in other languages.

31. Speaking of which, anyone have any contacts in Third World countries? I’d still like a Super Bowl Champion Atlanta Falcons T-shirt.

More Super Bowl coverage on Yahoo Sports:

• Tom Brady faces Roger Goodell after winning Super Bowl LI • President Trump holds Super Bowl party • Slideshow: Best of Lady Gaga’s halftime show ____ Jay Busbee is a writer for Yahoo Sports and the author of EARNHARDT NATION, on sale now at Amazon or wherever books are sold. Contact him at jay.busbee@yahoo.com or find him on Twitter or on Facebook.

[callunavulgari]

Year-In-Books

Hey, so this is a thing! I think it was originally an ask and I’ll tell you thing, but the person I got it from did it like this and I am super weak for end of the year reflection type things. And I read more than usual this year, so hey.

1. a book you loved?

I loved most of the books that I read this year, which is super nice. Though, I think the one that I loved the most was King’s Rising by C.S. Pacat.

2. a book you hated?

The Bronze Key. It’s the third installment in the Magisterium series by Holly Black and Cassandra Clare. I read the first two after hearing good things about them last year and while the reading level is noticably lower, the plotlines and characters were enjoyable enough. I mean, I’m always pretty much for Harry Potter-esque things, and this series put some really cool spins on it. 

But this third book was awful. The characters felt super flat compared to the past two books, the pacing was awful, and there’s a character death at the end that should provoke an emotional response but just... didn’t. It was cheap and boring and I regret it immensely.

3. the most surprising book?

Me Before You by Jojo Moyes. I don’t usually go for the typical romance books. They wig me out, most of them are sexist as hell, and if they are porny (which they usually are), the porn is absolutely horrible. But I went for this book anyways, because I found a thing on tumblr that piqued my interest and I really enjoyed it. I didn’t end up reading the sequel because I thought it ended perfectly where it did, but I wouldn’t say no to reading it again.

4. the most interesting villain?

A Darker Shade of Magic by V.E. Schwab, probably. Her world building might have been favorite this year, and every ‘villain’ is perfect. Holland isn’t technically the villain of the two books that are out, but I’m like 80% sure that he’s going to be the big bad in the next one.

5. the best makeouts?

King’s Rising? Probably. Like, I distinctly remember looking at a scene and going, ‘Goddamn, they really went all out here.’ But I... can’t actually remember which book it was. King’s Rising had some pretty steamy scenes though, so I’ll go with that one.

6. a book that was super frustrating?

I feel like I probably shouldn’t complain about The Bronze Key again, even though it was definitely the one I was most frustrated by. So I’ll go with Every Heart a Doorway. It was good and I liked it, but I feel like it had a lot more potential that wasn’t really utilized, which kind of brought it down.

7. a book you texted about, and the text was IN CAPSLOCK?

I’m like 95% sure that I text flailed at @bibliophiliac88 about King’s Rising when it came out. Oh, and I think I yelled at someone about The Raven King too.

8. a book for the small children in your life?

I would have been all over Miss Peregrine’s Home For Peculiar Children when I was younger. It would have been right up my alley.

9. a book you learned from?

I didn’t exactly read a lot of intellectual books this year. I don’t read many classically ‘smart’ books most years, being more about fun and adventure and intrigue! I’ll Give You the Sun by Jandy Nelson is probably the one that made me reflect the most on life though, and I guess learning things about yourself is important too.

10. a book you wouldn’t normally try?

Again, Me Before You is not my usual speed. King’s Rising and the entire Captive Prince trilogy was also an outlier though. Historical fiction of any kind, even fantasy-based, usually grate on my nerves, but I absolutely loved this series.

11. a book with something magical in it?

Pretty much... everything I read this year? We’ll go with The Raven King though.

12. the best clothes?

The Night Circus by Erin Morgernstern, for sure. Some of the clothing descriptions are absolutely exquisite and I wish I could see them.

13. the most well-rounded characters?

The Raven King by Maggie Stiefvater. Her characters are what made her stand out when I first picked up The Raven Boys and it’s still going strong. Now that I’ve read a few of her other things I can say that her characters being fully fleshed out and lovely is one of the best things about her writing, but in my opinion The Raven Cycle has been the best of all of them.

14. the best world-building?

A Darker Shade of Magic series by V. E. Schwab. While King’s Rising has some pretty great world-building, Schwab’s is the one that really wowed me this year.

15. the worst world-building?

The Bronze Key, for sure. The first in the series was great, but again, this one was just so flat.

16. a book with a good sidekick?

Does Patroclus technically count as the sidekick even though he is a) the main character and b) just as much of a character as Achilles? Yeah, I’m not too comfortable putting him in the sidekicks shoes. Let’s go with Six of Crows. 

17. the most insufferable narrator?

Ugh, The Magicians. Quentin Coldwater is so that boy that it isn’t even funny, but I kept going because it was worth trying again after it fell flat with me back in 2011, and I just. I don’t know. It wasn’t horrible, but I didn’t love it.

18. a book you were excited to read for months beforehand?

I was pretty psyched for both The Raven King and King’s Rising. Probably more so for The Raven King because it was a few years coming and The Raven Cycle has been the first real series that I’ve loved in awhile.

19. a book you picked up on a whim?

The Scattered and The Dead I picked up because it was recommended to me through Facebook? And while normally I give facebook ads the hairy eyeball, this one I gave a chance. And I’m glad I did, because I really enjoyed it. 

20. a book that should be read in a foreign country?

Um. I don’t know. The Curiousities? I read it in South Carolina so it... kind of feels foreign to me?

21. a book cassian andor would like?

Yeah, I really don’t know what he’s like. 

22. a book gina linetti would like?

Don’t actually watch Brooklyn Nine Nine, so no idea!

23. your favorite cover art?

Oooh, The Curiousities was really cool.

24. a book you read in translation?

None?

25. a book from another century?

...Does set in a fantasy time period count? Or are we talking written in another century?

26. a book you reread?

I reread the entirety of the Raven Cycle before The Raven King came out, and reread most of the Abhorsen series while I was attempting to actually get somewhere with the Sabriel AU.

27. a book you’re dying to talk about, and why?

I live to yell about Maggie’s books, but lets talk about the All In The Game series and how fucking awesome it was. Because it was so incredibly amazing and I didn’t get to talk about it at all in any of these last few questions.

[goth-greyhound]

1-40

OOF ok lets go

1) Talk about the first time you watched your favorite movie: My favorite movie is probably howl’s moving castle, and I think I first saw it when I was 6 or so. I distinctly remember watching it a lot in Russia with a shitty Russian dub but sub is always the best

2) Talk about your first kiss: 14, summer camp. Me and cute girl in my cabin (16) were walking at night to pick up her night meds, when she asks if I’ve ever kissed anyone. I say no and she kissed me. 11/10

3)Talk about the person you’ve had the most intense romantic feelings for: Honestly I’m not entirely sure. Could’ve been that one girl I had a crush on for a while a few years ago, or the guy who used to be my best friend ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

4) Talk about the thing you regret most so far: oof I don’t know I regret a lot of things tbh. Most of it has to do w like…interactions with people (mostly them wanting to interact and me being dumb about it).

5)Talk about the best birthday you’ve had: Hmm…Honestly I can’t remember but that time we flew to Block Island was kinda neat. There was my most recent one where I just went out to really good sushi w my family.

6)Talk about the worst birthday you’ve had: Oof I can’t remember tbh I’m sorry anon

7) Talk about your biggest insecurity: I dunno, I’m insecure about a lot of things. I guess like…how I smell? Or the way I eat? I feel weird eating in public tbh especially with people I don’t reeeeally know.

8) Talk about the thing you are most proud of: In recent memory probably the fact that I got to the top of Mount Kilimanjaro

9)Talk about little things on your body that you like the most: definitely my eyelashes, neck, and collarbone. I’ve gotten compliments on my thighs which feels good too 

10)Talk about the biggest fight you’ve ever had: My dad and I went like a week without speaking to each other once because he got upset over something petty I did

11)Talk about the best dream you’ve ever had: What currently comes to mind is that one dream I had when I had infinite hamburgers. Just like…whenever I wanted. And they were always delicious and perfect and when I woke up I had no burgers so that was sad :(

12)Talk about the worst dream you’ve ever had: I had this one, years n years ago, where I essentially had to watch myself and all of my friends die multiple times in multiple timelines because the people fucking with the timelines didn’t realize we were just children.

13)Talk about the first time you had sex/how you imagine your first time: With a guy I met online, who at first wasn’t going to come over because he couldn’t but eventually found out he could. So he came over at like 10:30pm n we went into my attic (which has a guest room) n it wasn’t awkward (for me anyway) and then we showered together (at like 2am) n he stayed the night and it just felt good waking up next to someone??

14)Talk about a vacation: I went to Africa (Kenya/Tanzania) over this winter break and hiked to the top of Africa that was pretty cool. N we celebrated New Years at a lodge in Kenya where I almost got w a really hot dude anyway then there was a week long safari it was a pretty cool time.

15)Talk about the time you were most content in life: Yo these “most _” questions are so hard to answer but honestly I was really happy when I didn’t wake up alone after the fucc

16)Talk about the best party you’ve ever been to: Tbh the party we had in honor of my grandfather when he died it was touching and personal idk I don’t go to many parties

17)Talk about someone you want to be friends with: tbh being friends with Joji would be cool he’s such a neat guy ok

18)Talk about something that happened in elementary school: one of my friends in first grade once kissed me on the cheek and I freaked out

19)Talk about something that happened in middle school: No

20)Talk about something that happened in high school: I once got my school to play the homestuck version of megalovania over the loudspeakers

21)Talk about a time you had to turn someone down: There was that one guy who was 2 years older than me that was really into me when I was a freshman/sophomore and he asked me to prom and it was just aljsdgljdfg he was so uncomfortable

22)Talk about your worst fear: I dunno….being completely and utterly lost? In a totally unfamiliar place with totally unfamiliar people with no way of getting back? That or falling

23)Talk about a time someone turned you down: Uhh well like too much I really don’t wanna get into that tbh it’s embarrassing haha

24)Talk about something someone told you that meant a lot: My parents tell me not to go out alone at night but I usually ignore it because I mean they’re supposed to say that right? But I was out w someone last night and he told me the same thing and for some reason it just meant more coming from him, a person that’s probably seen a lot of weird shit at night

25)Talk about an ex-best friend: we became friends in 8th grade, then we started dating, then I fucked it up, and now we don’t talk and it kinda sucks

26)Talk about things you do when you’re sick: Lie in bed under lots of comfy blankets, lots of tea, Netflix, going through a tissue box a day

27)Talk about your favorite part of someone else’s body: I know a few guys with really nice butts. Like….really nice

28)Talk about your fetishes: Oh boy lets go but no judgement aight?: biting/choking/sucking/blindfolding/anything in which I’m the submissive one tbh/bondage seems cool but I’ve never done it??/lowkey might have a daddy kink

29)Talk about what turns you on: breathing/licking/kissing/light biting on neck or ears; when someone runs their hands over the side of my body but like really slowly and lightly; “good girl”

30)Talk about what turns you off: unsolicited dick picks (but who isn’t turned off by that right); jackhammering (you know)

31)Talk about what you think death is like: probably dark and cold and lonely

32)Talk about a place you remember from your childhood: I still remember the garden from Russia and the rock we’d have to stand on to get reception and the little path between houses and the cats and wow I’ve just been hit full force with a wave of nostalgia yay

33)Talk about what you do when you are sad: lie on my couch and swaddle myself in blankets, tea, maybe some comfort food

34)Talk about the worst physical pain you’ve endured: I’ve been stung on the leg by a jellyfish and you know those crippling cramps that start in your toes for no reason and work their way up your whole leg until your silently screaming in agony? Yeah I had one of those this morning 

35) Talk about things you wish you could stop doing: nail biting, overanalyzing people/situations, shitty diet, bad organization, I could keep going tbh

36) Talk about your guilty pleasures: tbh lying somewhere soft topless, the song Havana, sending noods tbh

37)Talk about someone you thought you were in love with: ok how about we don’t go back down that path hmm?

38)Talk about songs that remind you of certain people: Anything by Alina Baraz & Galimatias reminds me of my second ex (she’s really good tho)

39)Talk about things you wish you’d known earlier: that honestly my face isn’t that bad n confidence is key

40)Talk about the end of something in your life: my grandfather dying wasn’t just the end of his life, it was just…a small part of all of us went with him