#like I am physically sick
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Binged The Last of Us and wowie zowie am I unwell
#like I am physically sick#going from ‘you’re cargo’ to ‘it’s okay baby girl’ to ‘It wasn’t time that did it’ just ended me#i think i need therapy#nothing has ever reaffirmed my daddy issues the way this has#the blood the carnage the way joel just fucking decimated that hospital and carried ellie out of there#joel miller#ellie tlou#pedro pascal#bella ramsey#edit: I’m adding more tags cause I have more thoughts#bill and frank’s story didn’t have the emotional impact I thought it would but honestly made me so happy#I know they die but it wasn’t sad. they’d lived full lives together and went on their terms and to get to see that was I don’t even know#it didn’t hurt it made me cry the ‘old means we’re still here’ is what got me#these two would’ve grown up through the 80’s and they survived 20 years into the apocalypse and then got to die in each others arms#I don’t know how else to describe it but like#I don’t know#it made me cry#but because they lived and loved for so long#and then Henry and Sam#I think their story gets to me the most#that one hurts A Lot#they got so close#to getting out to moving on to escaping and I just#all Henry wanted was to save Sam and to look after him and give him a life#and they got so close#and then Henry freezes and then he shoots Sam to save Ellie#and that’s the first person he’s ever killed#and don’t get me started on Kathleen#I cant add enough tags to say all the things I want to say but aaaaah#anyways I’m gonna go listen to the opening theme ‘til I fall asleep lest I succumb to my feelings and pull an all nighter thinking about it
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New hyperfixation just droppeddd
#i am mentally ill#like i am physically sick#im hyperfixating again#foaming at the mouth#eating cement#screaming#crying#danny gonzalez#fox szn#3 drinkz#why is that not a tag#give my man 3drinkz the recognition he deserves#kurtis conner#what is wrong with me#ned flames
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You know what? You know what I think?
I think that if we lived as we were meant to, in larger intimate ("extended family") groups and with more shared labor and time to do it (UBI NOW) people like me would not feel so useless and burdensome because there would be people around to help and to do what neurodivergent people can't while making valuable space for the neurodivergent to do what they ARE good at.
The way we live right now, all right, the way we live right now forces units of two adults to be able to do EVERYTHING or PAY to have someone come do it for them. I have to do the housework. I have to do it! But I am having to do a million different things and most of them I am not good at. I suck at them.
I wouldn't feel like shit, okay, if I had more than one other person around who was not a child and who could do the things I can't, like do the yard and cook and do repairs and basic maintenance; and someone else to split everything else that I like but is too much for me. It would free me to do what I am good at and enjoy. Cleaning, as in the sink and toilet, the windows, the blinds. Taking out trash. Folding, hanging, and sorting laundry.
But because all the shit I can do often relies on other shit being done first, and I can't do or have trouble doing those things, the shit I can do often can't be done. And even the shit I can do, I can't do ALL of it. So I can't keep up, and things get very bad.
We aren't meant to live like this. We are not meant to live like this.
That thought hurts so much because being able to flee the birth family is integral to survival for so many people. I'm so afraid that living in larger family groups would create more opportunities for, say, queer kids to be isolated, rejected, bullied, and abused. But if we gave people enough money to survive, and stopped considering children the property of their parents with no system in place to help them escape bad situations except a system that is often just as bad, just different.
I'm aware that communes and collectives aren't all that successful and are kind of a joke. I don't mean that. I mean a fundamental shift to multigenerational families where taking in "strays" (which my family did) is also normalized so people escaping abuse into existing households was accepted, with these families centered in maybe a couple of different larger residences so not everyone has to buy and maintain their own fucking washing machine and vacuum cleaner, and so people can benefit from large group meals that yield leftovers, and so child and elder care can also be centralized.
Then disabled people and the neurodivergent and sick and injured people, and pregnant people, and grieving people, would not have to either labor through all those stressors or consign themselves to living off an unlivable pittance or being put under legal guardianship.
I'm not saying anything new. People live like this in other parts of the world and maybe it sucks and I am wrong. But I'm just really mad right now because I can either do laundry or clean the sink but not both, and I really think we could improve society somewhat by making it so I did not have to choose one without sacrificing the other.
#im feverish feeling (not a real fever just malaise that i have no other way to describe) from the IBS (which can affect you like that#)#and i don't actually want to do ANYTHING#i would have to even living with others but it would be easier#at the very least i wouldn't have had to clean the microwave earlier which is hard because my arms are like the size of a meerkat's#and i can only reach the back with my fingertips#where is my BF in all this?#WORKING FULL TIME WITH BACK PAIN#yes i AM going to want him to have to do as little as possible when he comes home#he's neurodivergent too and struggles with the same shit#it's all a mess#we are doing way better i didn't realize how deep a drain three very sick cats were#but there's still only two of us#if you are disabled physically OR MENTALLY you should at least get in-home household help once a week or so#there's places that do that but the limitations are usually severe and always rule me out#because im not single im not an elder im not a veteran and im not physically disabled#if we have to ration that sort of thing i can see how on the whole it is more caring to allocate those resources to for example elders#but the fact that i celebrate what help there is doesn't mean i don't get mad that more people can't access it#is2g if i was functional enough snd physically sound enough i would start a charity that did intervention cleaning for people like us#who have fallen behind and can't catch up but can MAINTAIN#and who helped people clean for a few months during and after an illness pregnancy trauma major loss etc. so they could stay on their feet
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okay if you want something done you have to do it yourself. RHEYAAAA
help i’m imagining the first time you scratch wolf toji’s ears. I think it’d take some time to get there, easing gently into being in each other’s personal space and then even more time to be comfortable with being comfortable with casual, constant physical touch, like sitting next one another on the couch.
but somehow, some day, your hand is resting near or on his head during a movie or show. and almost instinctually, without realizing it, you’re gently drawing your fingers back and forth, lazily playing with the furry lil ears atop his head. would he freeze? melt? the internal confusion and conflicting feelings of being touched in a place that’s vulnerable to him, but wanting more— he’s just going nuts beneath your petting and you don’t even have a clue bc you’re so comfortable in is presence!!
sigh. please talk to me about this im going bananas
SAGEEEE ARE YOU INSANE??????? YOUR BRAIN MWAH MWAH !! i have a few scenes with ears scratches written out in future chapters too hehe :33
BUT YES YOU'RE ONE HUNDRED PERCENT CORRECT???????
wolf!toji is very reserved already. like i said in the other ask, i don't think he enjoys physical touch as much, and it takes a lot of time for him to get used to the idea that you don't have any bad intentions. even though he trusts you completely, letting you touch him in places that are so vulnerable is difficult. but casually, slowly, he starts opening up to it.
he also finds it very easy to let himself touch you??? like the very simple hand on your back as he squeezes behind you to reach the fridge. or the occasional ruffle of your hair in between his claws. as he starts becoming more comfortable with that i think he'll simultaneously open up to you touching him too.
he realizes how much he enjoys the feeling, but refuses to comment on it. even just the simple act of you almost dozing off against his shoulder has his head spinning.
so the day your fingers do accidentally wander, he swears he feels his brain short-circuit. it's so casual too—he doubts you even know you're doing it. he has gotten used to your hands in his hair by now, but this is new. you're so deeply engrossed in the movie you're watching, fingers absentmindedly tracing over the softer fur lining his ears.
your touch is so gentle, so caring—it takes him a second to realize that it feels good.
he just sits there, claws digging into the rug as he stares straight ahead with his teeth grit. the movie is playing but he doesn't know what's happening in it, too busy practically preening under your light touches.
his shoulders relax, his eyes feel heavier. it feels so natural it scares him a little bit.
he wants you to stop.
(he never wants you to stop.)
he hates the feeling.
(he has never felt something so pleasant in his life.)
he briefly wonders why you're touching him in the first place. he who is so dangerous, so scary, so utterly animalistic. but when he glances at you from the corner of his eyes, you look like you've never been more content.
(as usual, you are disgustingly sweet.)
normally the idea of being pet is gross to him, almost demeaning in a way. but this is different. this is so inherently innocent, such a blatant display of comfort and affection.
(he feels stupid as he leans into the touch, but makes no effort to stop himself.)
you brush over a particularly sensitive spot, and he cannot control the twitch of the muscle, ears flicking uncontrollably. as soon as the movement occurs, you're broken out of your focus, turning to look down at him.
"oh! sorry!" you flash him a sheepish smile and retract your hand, before your eyes settle back on the screen.
(and once again all he can do is internally curse his stupid instincts for getting in the way.)
#[𐐪— lovely mutuals. 𐑂]#— sage <3#SICKKKKKK#HE ACTUALLY MAKES ME SO ILL#I LOVEEEE HIM#wolf toji truly is my saving grace#the way i am physically unable to shut up when people ask me things about him#especially his mannerisms bro#sick and tired#UGH SAGE I LOVE YOU SO MUCH#i just know he's so confused but CANNOT pull away from you#you're just so.... sweet about it#and all he can do is sit there like ._.#even tho internally he is having a whole crisis#what a loserrrrr#toji x reader#toji fushiguro x reader#jjk x reader#jujutsu kaisen x reader#wolf toji#hybrid au#tsbcac
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Little bright colored outfit with a fun vest ~
(shoes from ebay like 10 years ago. everything else is thrifted)
#ootd#jfashion#fashion#fantasy fashion#mori kei#....like... adjacent... lol#no idea what style this would be lol.. makes me think of like whimsical vaguely fantasy themed childrens book character#finally posting one of my aforementioned seven million drafts of actual outfits and costumes i have finished and edited#the photos for but just never feel like posting lol..#I need to find one of those people whos like 'omg i am ADDICTED to social media ugh i wish i could get off of it#im just browsing and posting like 60 times a daaaaay!!!' and take a little magical bottle and suck some of the social media#enthusiasim out of them. for moi. In exchange they can have some of my 'literally just never in the mood to post or interact with the#outside world ever' energy. We can balance each other. huzzah and so on#Though I think maybe it's part of the general thing I've heard of like.. I can't remember if it was in reference to adhd or just some sort#of general execcutive functioning issue type of thing - but the idea that things have to be ''just right'' before you do something. like#'oh i need to do this task. but i have to wait until XYZ first' or 'oh i can do this but only if X specific condition is met' or etc#The fact that I even have to be in a Specific Mindset to post. or sometimes will delay posting on social media because like 'oh well#I'm going somewhere tomorrow. somehow this matters. i cannot spend 5 minuts posting TONIGHT. clearly it will interfere#somehow schedule wise with the doctor appointment i have 15 hours from now. yes. yes. i must wait until my appointment is over#tomorrow afternoon. THEN i shall post' or etc. etc. lol. NOT even taking into account the many days#I just genuinely and physically sick and it's not even a mental thing. I just physically dont feel like sitting at the computer lol..#ANYWAY.. trying to get back into it. trying to get a business bank account.. make a proper paypal so i can start selling sculptures again.#selling clothes and sculptures.. posting about such things then of course as one must. etc... chanting to hype up and motivate myself lol#But yes. this is my favorite outfit out of the bunch so I am posting it first I guess.. maybe others later..#Also the purple dress says its from shein. which I've heard is bad fast fashion stuff. but maybe okay since its second hand? I havent#been to the bins since like 2020 or late 2019 even. and I think stuff like shein and temu has only become poular in the past few years#but I bet if I went to the bins now I might would find a good handfull of that stuff. Probably now not much different than what you#find in a walmart or a forever 21 or actual physical stores you can go to though. I hear quality of clothing is down everywhere no matter#where you get it or whatnot. What bountiful joys unfettered capitalism and exploitation bestows upon us (<being sarcastic).#Wearing one of my favorite little vests though. I love the texture of it and the clasps on it
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no bc i really don't trust people who genuinely think saiki hates his friends. like i get it, saiki does wanna be alone most times. but did they miss the eps where saiki kept an eye on his friends even when they weren't together and helped them?? i mean i could name numerous cases where he puts his friends above all else. i thought we all knew saiki is an unreliable narrator?? 😭 plus his mother did Not raise him like that
#like him having a ''mysterious sickness'' on the ship knowing full well he was just sea sick#its our job as viewers to see through the characte's facade#pls do not fall for it#he genuinely cares so much about every one of his friends#hes so amazing im gonna cry#i am so sorry abt the rant#i feel physically ill when i see blatant mischaracterization of them#do not play with me when it comes to my hyperfixations#the disastrous life of saiki k.#saiki kusuo#kusuo saiki#saiki kusuo no psi nan#saiki x reader
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click for better quality!
whaddaya think makes tracks like that? / needletail and violetpaw
#my art#do not copy trace or steal#needletail#violetshine#warriors#warrior cats#wc#waca#wc art#squints i think i have all of the tags#THIS TOOK feels like WAY SHORTER THAN THE OTHER ONES#but probably bc theres like. way less grass in this one and more snow and thats way easier to do#THE WAY I DID LIGHTING U CANT RLLY TELL I MADE VIOLET A CALICO </3 hell on earth#IM RLLY SATISFIED WITH HOW NICE THIS CAME OUT + HOW FAST I WAS ABLE TO DO IT#it was on/off all day bc i have felt just physically weird . not bad but not good but not sick#anyway wish me luck on my exam and my paper ^_^ more worried about my exam than anything#its mostly monomers im worried about x_x i can tell u the most out there biology fact but i cannot tell u shit abt carbohydrates#anyway i am going to bed goodnight yall <3 its only like 12:30 rn WHICH ISNT BAD TBH#would u guys believe me if i said i was a little nervous posting because i feel like i forget something every time#i always get the nerves before i post and then i post and its fine AHBDLFHGBD#OKOK goodnight for realsies#tag edit carbohydrates arent monomers theyre fucking polymers THIS ONLY ILLUSTRATES MY POINT FURTHER
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COUGHING UP BLOOD. LISTEN TO ME
#i am so sick. i am so sick#i yearn for this flu (?? thing) to pass#ANYWAY LISTEN TO ME!!! if you love me you know of my harley/havik friendship agenda. and you will abide#SET LOBO LOOSE IN MK ALSO#i got up and drew these trembling and coughing all over my laptop and mouse the least nrs can do is honor my legacy when i die#youre getting sick just reading these tags. like in all ways but physical i am crying onto you right now#mortal kombat#dc#havik#tanya#harley quinn#lobo#rain#< PUUUSHING IT WITH THAT ONE#but i like seeing mentions of characters i like so. thats what im going by#fanart#shire art
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Namid[A]me - Hitorie 🌧
old main version now swapped with the realistic raindrops one here because i've realised i kind of just prefer it a lot myself visually HAHA, despite this one fitting the vibe of the song better
#end roll#russell seager#chris (end roll)#chrissell#my art#SONG TWO in my questionable little chrissell playlist illustrating project 🥳#i also tried drawing russell's shirt collar normally for once and it was??? surprisingly fun actually#not sure what i'll stick with but yea!!#HITORIE IS SUCH AN ACTUAL RUSSELL AND CHRISSELL GOLD MINE BTW#expect a lot more of their music with this if i can keep up the drive long enough 💪 since they're mostly in the latter half#i think they're one of my top favorite bands now...#this one took longer than expected partially bc i kept getting distracted by designing a genshin AU for them WHEEZE#but also—#can you REALLY call something done until you start feeling physically sick from looking at it 🤔🤔 (i am developing a problem)#perfectionism aside there i actually really like this tho HAHA
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Whenever antivaxxers talk about how getting the Actual Disease is better for your immune system i think about how I was born just a little too early for the chicken pox vaccine and so I got Actual Chicken Pox and 20 years later a horrible case of shingles gave me a debilitating post viral condition from which I shall never recover
BUT VACCINES RIGHT. THATS DEFINITELY THE ISSUE
Sometimes people talk about vaccine harm and cite the very issues that I have and live with every day, issues I am very sympathetic to. And I think to myself. Vaccine harm isn't fucking contagious, you cowardly turnip
#i almost got in a real physical fight wjth a man about this once. i am not proud#sick#YOU CANNOT GIVE A BAD POST VACCINE REACTION TO SOMEONE ELSE.#YOU VERY MUCH CAN SPREAD VIRUSES THAT WILL MAKE PEOPLE SICK FOREVER#SO LIKE..#do the fucking math
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#are you KIDDING ME LIKE FR ARE U SRS RN#he looks SO GOOD#i am physically incapable of being normal about that first pic#oh my god#i’m literally going to be sick#cillian murphy
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The many ages of Jing Yuan~
In honor of my man and first limited character finally getting his rerun for newbies in 2.0 (also what a trailer holy-)
Credit goes to the lovely mellon_soup on Pinterest for my pose references.
#hsr#honkai star rail#jing yuan#honkai jing yuan#honkai fanart#fanart#art#BOLD OF YOU TO ASSUME I KNOW HOW TO TAG MY OWN WORK#image quality isn't perfect? but I am... tired and sick so take#anyway have I ever mentioned that I love this man?#fantastic character#also v pretty#I'm literally the drake no/yes meme but with digital and physical art#like#i have the tools to draw digitally#but thats so much work and lineart is Fun Sometimes#Anatomy is hard and I haven't taken an art class in Years 💀#artists on tumblr#i love not drawing for Months#and then suddenly being struck by the gods to mark my existence and mind with different kinds of minerals on paper#my art#robyn's scribbles
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is my executive dysfunction somehow so bad i cant read, or do i just have a silent migraine? and other questions: an autobiography by me
#rimi talks#like im physically having trouble focusing on sentences. im struggling with individual words following each other. girl what is this#now that i say that its probably the silent migraine but like. what the hell. girl (my chronic migraine disorder) i am so sick of you#why cant i READ. this is ridiculous. 😔😔😔😔😔
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Sorry guys, rant incoming. I considered deleting this but I put too much effort in.
"girlboss" "girl dinner" "girl math" "boy math" "gen z are making fun of us for wearing x" "here's how to dress like gen z:" "girlies" "girl's night" "boy's night" "me and the boys" "90s kid"
"I don't feel like an adult" "I'm 34 and I can tell you, I still don't feel like an adult either." "My parents seemed like real adults when they were my age." "I still feel like a teenager."
Maybe you'd feel more like an adult if you started calling yourself one. Maybe you'd feel more like an adult if you stopped trying to dress like a teenager. Maybe you should move your bed out from the wall and get a wallet. Maybe find a calendar app that works for you.
You are an adult. Even if you live with your parents. Even if you do part-time shift work at minimum wage. Even if you haven't graduated college. Even if you are single. These are adult things to do. Because you are doing them. And you are an adult. Start treating yourself like an adult. Fake it 'till you make it if you have to.
In other, writing-related, news:
That trend on TikTok of 20-40 something women authors (and writers yet to be published) promoting their books like,
"Omg! I can't believe I've sold X number of copies!! I never thought I would!" "Ahhhh imagine publishing your book and all your dreams come true and now you get to meet famous authors and work with big names in the industry!!" "Would you read a book where [proceeds to list a bunch of oversaturated tropes that tell me nothing about the actual plot]?"
It reeks of infantilization. If you didn't believe anyone would want to read your book, why should I? You made it on the NYT bestseller list! Stop acting like a mega-fan who got to meet a celebrity. You are their peer! "Would you read a book--" What if I wouldn't? Why does it matter to you what I think of your book? And for the love of god stop hiding behind tropes you know are already popular. "Here is my book: This is what it is about." Have some goddamn confidence.
It is fine to mention in passing "this idea was really far-fetched so I didn't know if it would appeal" or "I was struggling with self-esteem when I wrote this". It's fine to fan a little bit. It's fine to discuss the tropes in your book. But why are you building your brand as an author off of your inferiority complex? You are using your poor self-esteem as a marketing tactic to seem "humble" and "relatable" but it's coming across as unprofessional and desperate for reassurance. You are an adult. You are competent. The more you act like it the more you will believe it.
And of course, I haven't seen a man promote his book this way...
On another note, do any of the 20-40 something women writers who do "write with me" videos on TikTok actually enjoy writing or are they just doing it for the aesthetic?
They all have gorgeous minimalism writing spaces full of white and pink and a macbook beneath a window. Their makeup is done and they are conventionally pretty to start with. But their entire video is just them talking about how little progress they made, how many pages they deleted, how often they got distracted, how frustrated they are. And like, yeah. We all have those days. But what about the good lines you can't wait to share? The days when the words just flow? The cool stuff you learned while researching? Why don't you ever make videos about that?
Is this some other attempt to seem "relatable" by only talking about the "bad" side of writing? Because again, it's coming across as lacking confidence at best and, at worst, that you don't actually know how to write. And that is not the brand you want as an author.
Again, its always women. Why must women market their self-esteem issues in order to sell their art? Why must we be perpetually awestruck children (girlies, book girls) in over our heads?
#also why do I get the sense these women are selling a lifestyle more than they are actually promoting their own books?#I feel like someone more qualified than me could link this to modelling good christian gender roles#and cultural conformity or something#it isn't lost on me how much of this is about trying to seem humble#and how much validation is tied to protestant success and hard work ideas#is this where the indoctrination starts?#give us 'role models' as influencers#also Alex Aster of Lightlark fame is the WORST for this#her content makes me physically sick to watch#and again interesting that it is pretty widely agreed on at this point that she is an industry plant#interesting that the industry plant is leaning so heavy on the humility and infantilization of women tactics#as though appealing to protestant christians is a major concern of the industry#what's that about? is it just sales? or is it related to those evangelical groups trying get books banned?#how much influence does conservative christian america have within the trad pub industry?#maybe I am really reaching here idk#I don't have any sources#it's just speculation I am open to be proven wrong
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imo you dont have to have like thousands of pictures of your favorite character to be their number one fan btw. i feel like what matters the most is that you actually understand the character on a deep level
#fryer rambles#sorry im thinking of trophy#i see so many people claim to be his number one fan but their versions of him just.... dont seem like him#i like to say that Im his number one fan but idk. am i even really??? ive gotten dms before and been in fights because i claim to be#trophys number one fan and ik thats literally SO stupid of me to like say or whatever but idk. strikes me right in the heart#this isnt directed btw i just mean in general#and weirdly enough hes a super big comfort for me too and i feel physically sick thinking about it . i dont mean to rant or anything i thin#im just upset.orsomething.idk :(
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well. did you fucking miss me.
#random thoughts#apologies for sounding in such a sour mood. life is fucked as of late.#scheduled post. i made this on 10.08.2024.#everything has just gone to shit. so far i've been eating less than ever. feels like my stomach is eating itself augh (':#(technically the so-called relapse started on 24.12.2023. but we are not unpacking that today or ever.)#and i am filled with this desperate urge to cut myself. really really deep. not sure how to cope with it#i also?? hate how i look??#and yet i spend all my time?? in this dark dark room?? taking pictures of my face?????#i'm not killing myself off just yet don't worry. i considered it but it won't be happening any time soon.#i originally planned on disappearing for twelve days. partly to make my friends feel bad because i'm awful#which. obviously didn't work. as i don't think anyone noticed or cared particularly.#but mostly because i can't fucking handle it. it being everything. my future feels so uncertain#i am barely alive. i love all the people in my life. but they're too far away physically and emotionally.#but yeah. back finally. although ciel disappears for a lot longer than me and if you know hym my absence would be a small stint.#ciel if you're here when i post this i love you please come back. ):#this place is so scary to come back to. i'm not sure why. i'm just. scared.#i'm not even sure if i want to return really. i'm having second thoughts now. i haven't gotten worse enough#and i can't say what that means. because in theory there's nothing wrong with me that's been speculated upon. so.#i don't think anyone would care if i disappeared for longer than this.#but being away is torture. and then again being here also sort of is. it's scary#fuck.#i can't get out of bed without feeling like shit. i don't know if i can come back. i'm so sick of everything.#if you're seeing this i'm so sorry.#I NEED TO CUT MYSELF I NEED TO CUT MYSELF NOW. I NEED TO. I MADE SO MANY PROMISES BUT I NEED TO DO IT NOW#I'VE GOT THE SCISSORS I NEED TO DO IT#I NEED TO DO IT RIGHT THE FUCK NOW#(<- tags canceled for now)
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