#like 50% of the things me & my friends say to each other are just quotes from this at this point. it’s crazy

[theexorcistiii]

Can everyone watch this video for me

[my-rose-tinted-glasses]

There have been a couple of posts making the rounds about Cheum and her role in Only friends. And this prompted me to share my thoughts on the character of Cheum.

So since there is lot that I've been thinking about regarding ofts but not really sharing, I thought why not. Now would be a good opportunity to attempt to write some coherent thoughts.

One of the biggest things that that's been constantly on my mind about the series is the trailer. Because I'm absolutely obsessed with how the trailer is influencing our read of these characters. I believe this is specially true for the character of Top. But going back to Cheum. So the only thing she says in the trailer is the quote "friends don't do this to each other". And our brains collectively assigned her role of being the moral one. The voice of reason. But in watching the show before that episode, if I'd never watched the trailer, I don't think I'd see her in that light. Which is not necessarily a bad thing. Maybe if that wasn't the case she would (for me) just be the annoying, judgemental friend that happens to be a queer woman. But also, if I wasn't told she was important from the first episode when she is introduced as part of the main group, I honestly wouldn't think of her at all. Because the narrative isn't treating her like she's important. She has so little influence on any of the main story points, and when she does it's someone else's drama that brings her around. Be it Mew, or Ray or Atom. Her brother had more influence on the overall story and the other characters than she did. And when she does get caught in the middle, she does her thing, which is judge everybody, and quickly exits. And we get no window into her thought process and no consequences for her actions. Because she's obviously not that important. So I don't think that Jojo and company are trying to tell us anything about queer women or women in general. She is simply a flat character with a very specific role in the narrative regardless of gender or sexual orientation. I don't know if she's suppose to be the narrator or if I'm suppose to see the other characters through her eyes. If it is, then in my case it's failing, and if it it isn't then the fact that she's a women I think it's irrelevant and she's just another character without much depth.

I'm gonna reserve full judgement until after the finale, but there's only so much they can do to the character in 50 minutes with that whole ensemble of characters. So I think in the end her character will not leave a lasting impression on me. Of course I have my own biases regarding female characters but that's for another day, maybe... (this was the post that prompted this one so thank you @waitmyturtles for giving the chance to write some things)

[harry-on-broadway]

The Last Line: Part Three

Part Three

Word Count: 10K || Series Masterlist || Rating: M

A/N: I actually managed to keep my promise and post when I said I would 😅 But seriously, thank you to everyone who has hung around waiting for the update. I hope you like it and would LOVE to hear what you think! 

***

Bzzz. Bzzz. Bzzz.

“Are you going to get that?” Chloe asked pointedly, eyeing Penny’s phone as it vibrated on her desk.

“I’m sorry, is it bothering you?” Penny replied cheekily.

“Yes, but only because I want to know who has been texting you.”

Penny picked up her phone and looked at the screen. Four text messages from Harry. “Just a source,” she said. “I think I might have a lead on a new feature, so I’ve been trying to build a relationship with them.” That was kind of the truth wasn’t it?

“Uh huh,” Chloe said, twirling a pen between her fingers. “And does this source’s name rhyme with Barry Tiles?”

“Shhhh!”

“I knew it!”

The two women stared at each other over the partition that separated their desks, as Penny steeled herself for the barrage of questions Chloe was sure to hurl at her. “You want to take a walk? Get a coffee?” Chloe asked, clearly opting for discretion now that she had gotten what she was looking for from Penny.

“Yes, but you’re buying.”

“Deal.”

When their lattes were in their hands, Penny and Chloe began their slow and strategic walk around the office park, following a carefully planned route that they knew put them out of earshot of nosy coworkers.

“So when did this happen?” Chloe asked.

“Umm…” Penny searched for an answer. “Like a couple of weeks ago, I think? We got drinks after that concert we went to.”

“Yeah, you mentioned that but not the fact that he’s suddenly your new best friend.”

“You know he’s not my best friend. I could never take that title away from you.”

“I appreciate that but that doesn’t explain why you didn’t tell me about him.”

“I didn’t say anything because this just kind of…happened,” Penny said.

And it had. She thought about the way she had texted him when she’d gotten home from their post-show drinks. And how he’d replied. And how when she’d woken up the next morning he’d sent her another message, this one containing a link to a country song that she hadn’t heard before. She thought about how she listened to the song on repeat while she made her coffee and got ready for work, crafting the perfect response in her head as she tapped her fingers to the beat. She thought about how Harry had texted her daily since that night. And, each time she added to her notes on whatever it was Harry was working on, she tried to suppress the feelings of guilt that brewed deep inside.

“Like hell it ‘just happened.’” Chloe tried to make air quotes around the coffee cup in her hands. “It wasn’t that long ago that I thought I’d have to be a character witness at trial for you.”

“Ha ha, but I swear! We just had a drink and talked and things progressed from there.”

“Where’d you take him?”

“Seventy7.”

“Your date spot?”

“My source meeting spot.” Penny took a sip of her coffee.

“So, he’s a source? What are you cooking up?”

Penny looked around, making sure they were far away from anyone who might be eavesdropping on their conversation. “He has a new album coming out sometime this year. Tom told me and so did Harry. And I was thinking, maybe if I got a scoop on it, it would impress Darren and would give me a better shot at landing some stories.”

“I’m sorry,” Chloe said. “But in what world is this a good idea? Did you miss the ethics class freshman year? You know the one about unbiased reporting? Keeping friends and family out of stories? Do you recall any of that? Or were you too hypnotized by his ravishing good looks during your date that all rational thought left your head?”

“He’s neither friend nor family and it wasn’t a date. It was networking. A source meeting. You have those all the time.”

“Yeah, at premieres where I’m talking to 50 year-old men I most certainly don’t want to fuck.”

“I don’t want to fuck Harry.”

“OK, that was great,” Chloe said. “Let’s take that once more though, and this time make me believe you actually believe what you’re saying.”

“I don’t want to fuck him,” Penny said definitively.

Chloe held her gaze waiting for her friend to break. “Well all right then we’ve settled it.” Penny’s phone buzzed again. “What’s your ‘source’ want now?”

Penny unlocked her phone, angling the screen so Chloe could see the four texts Harry had sent.

Hey. How’re you?

I’m in the studio today so I’m on your side of town. Might be stopping by the office to talk to Jeff about something too.

Been listening to this today. Have you heard of it?

Um, any chance you want to grab a drink? Maybe dinner?

“Do you usually get dinner with sources?” Chloe asked with a grin.

“First time for everything,” Penny said, replying to Harry’s message.

Yeah, maybe tomorrow?

His reply came back fast. How’s tonight?

“Someone’s eager,” Chloe laughed.

“What’s wrong with that? Maybe I’ll get what I need.” After confirming the time and location, Penny slid her phone into her bag. “Now where were we?”

“You were profusely denying your attraction to Harry. Unbelievably, I might add.”

“Chlo, I don’t know how many times I can say this…I’m simply tolerating him to get something from him.”

“This is the part in the rom com where the sassy best friend tells the plucky protagonist that she’s making a mistake because she’s going to develop real feelings.”

“And this is the part in the rom com where I go back to my desk and actually get some work done.”

Penny spun on her heel and started back towards the office, leaving Chloe to catch up behind her. Penny spent the rest of the afternoon bouncing between edits to a listicle about “10 Songs You Didn’t Realize Were Turning 10 in 2019” and making a list of things she wanted to ask Harry that night. How far along was the album? Was he close to announcing a release date? A single? Were the songs he’d been sending her any indication of what his new tracks would sound like? A few minutes before five, she slammed her laptop shut, tossing it into the canvas tote that doubled as her purse and work bag these days.

“See you tomorrow,” she called to Chloe and Devon, one of their graphic designers. Devon waved, quickly turning his attention back to his monitor, while Chloe spun in her chair.

“Make good choices tonight,” she called with a sly wink. “Don’t get into too much trouble.”

“You’ll be my one call if I do,” Penny called cheerfully over her shoulder, as Chloe’s laugh echoed through the mostly empty newsroom.

Penny pulled out of the parking garage, cruising through the streets to the restaurant Harry had texted her. It was a bit further out than she usually traveled during the week, but when she looked on the map, it looked like it was midway between her neighborhood and his. Neutral territory. She drummed along to the song on the radio – something by Justin Timberlake – as she waited for the light to turn, catching a glimpse of herself in the rearview mirror. Several strands of hair had escaped from her ponytail and she had a smudge of eyeliner under her left eye.

Ugh. This was not how she wanted to show up to dinner. Eyeing the light and the number of cars in front of her, she shook out her hair, retying it into something slightly neater before rubbing at the smudge under her eye. That looked better, right? She continued to stare at her reflection. What was missing? Lipstick? She thought she had one that wasn’t too old in her bag. After one more glance at the light, she rooted through her tote until she found a neutral coral color that wouldn’t look too out of place on her face. She was just about to apply it to her lips when the car behind her laid on their horn.

“OK, sorry. I’m going!” she cried out to no one in particular. Lipstick would have to wait. But as she made the final turns of her journey and pulled into the parking lot, she couldn’t help but wonder why she felt the need to get dressed up for Harry. This was essentially a business meeting. She gave one final glance at the lipstick that was now on her passenger seat and decided to forgo it. Source meeting, business dinner, not a date. She locked her car and made her way inside. Harry had texted her that he was already there at a table in the back, a message she relayed to the host at the lobby of the restaurant.

“Party name?” he asked.

“Ugh…” She stumbled over her words. “Harry Styles,” she whispered, unsure if she was breaking some unspoken rule by saying his full name aloud.

The host smiled knowingly. “Right through here. You’ll see him seated towards the back. Have a nice evening.”

“Thanks, you too!” Penny said, walking through the curtain that separated the dining room from the lobby.

Her eyes swept over the room, adjusting to the dim lighting as she looked for Harry, finding him on a second glance. He lifted his hand and waved gently, a soft smile on his face. She strode briskly to the table, and he stood as she approached.

“Hey,” he said when she was within earshot. “You look nice.”

Penny looked down at her worn jeans, t-shirt, and blazer. “Thanks?”

“Shit, that was weird,” Harry said with a laugh.

“No. Hey, I’ll take it. You look…nice…too.” It wasn’t a lie. Harry would look fantastic wearing anything in any situation, but there was something about him that was different from the last time she’d seen him. He looked tired. Stressed. “How have you been?” she asked, trying to change the subject.

“Good, good. Staying busy, lots going on,” Harry said, returning to his seat once Penny had sat down. “Been spending some long days in the studio which is…great, but also tiring.”

“I can imagine.”

“You?”

“Oh, pretty similar actually. Not that I’m in a studio, but just a lot of work stuff. They haven’t hired a new news writer yet so I’m kind of doing the work of two people right now, and then there’s a lot of late nights with concerts and stuff and oh my God I should stop talking.” She laughed nervously.

“No, you’re good,” Harry said with a chuckle. “See anyone cool lately.”

“I saw John Legend last week, and I’m seeing a jazz ensemble tomorrow.”

“Sick.”

“Yeah.”

An awkward pause fell over the table as Harry sipped his water and Penny fidgeted with the silverware in front of her. Mercifully, a waiter appeared to take their drink orders.

“I’ll do the Moscato,” Harry said after perusing the wine menu.

“Oh, that sounds good. I’ll have some as well,” Penny said, returning her own menu.

“Should I bring a bottle for the table?” the waiter asked.

“Uh, sure,” Harry said. “Is that OK?” He looked at Penny who just nodded. “The bottle would be great, thanks.”

The waiter disappeared and returned shortly, pouring their wine and taking their dinner orders, before leaving them alone. Silence once again filled the space between them.

“So what did you want to talk about?” Penny asked at the same time Harry asked if she had listened to the song he’d sent her. They both laughed.

“I just thought we could catch up. Make good on that promise of ‘next time,’” he said, swirling the wine in his glass.

“Oh yeah,” Penny took a sip of her own wine. “You said you’d been getting lots of studio time in. I assume the new project is coming along nicely.”

“It’s certainly coming along. I’m not sure about nicely.”

“Why not?”

Harry let out a long breath. “Things aren’t going as easily as I hoped. I feel like everything I’ve written in the past couple of weeks has been shit.”

“Well, I’m sure that’s a lie.”

“I don’t know. If you heard what I finished before I came here you might think differently.”

“You write with others, right?” Penny asked.

Harry nodded. “Yeah, Tom, Tyler, Mitch. That’s the usual crew.”

“Good group. I’m not super familiar with Mitch’s work, but I’m sure he’s top tier if you’re working with him.”

“I’m not sure if that’s a compliment for me or Mitch, but I’ll accept it regardless.”

Penny thought about shooting back a “Why would I compliment you?” but seeing how drained Harry looked, she refrained. “Is there something in particular that’s holding you up?”

“Well, I did some writing while I was touring, and then did a lot of writing earlier this year when I was in Japan. But I still don’t feel like the album’s done. It’s like the secret ingredient is missing or something. But sometimes I feel like I’m the only person that feels that way and that everyone else just wants to wrap it up to get it out there.”

“You have to listen to your gut then,” Penny said without hesitation.

“Easier said than done.”

“No, seriously if you think something is missing, I think you have to hone in on that feeling. Really listen to what your heart and your gut are telling you. Only you know what your album needs to be. Collaboration is great and it clearly works when you have the right group of people together, but when you start letting everyone’s voice in the room, that’s when things start to feel inauthentic. And there’s nothing worse than listening to an album where you know it’s not what the artist fully believes.”

“You can tell?” Harry said, somewhat surprised.

“Well, it’s not like I know everyone personally,” Penny began. “But it’s just a feeling you get when you’ve listened to a lot of stuff. Artists have their signature, and it’s always there even when they start experimenting. Like let’s use Rihanna as an example. If she suddenly started writing about the good life on the farm and drinking beer on the porch with her dog, it would just feel weird, like a label pushing her to replicate the hot new country song. But good artists don’t need to follow the trends, they set them.”

Harry nodded, which Penny took as a sign to continue. “Like for example, your first album.” She took a breath knowing she was potentially treading on thin ice. “It really set the standard for your sound as a solo artist. It’s an album that is clearly very modern, but very heavily influenced by 60s and 70s rock. So, people know to expect that from you. You’re the guy that makes vintage modern and cool. But, perhaps that album was a little too cookie cutter, which I think you know. So this time around, maybe you needed to take a couple of risks, make an album that shows the world who Harry really is. Each album is an opportunity to change the trajectory of your career and I think you should act on it.” Harry stared at her, speechless. “Sorry, if I overstepped,” she said.

“No no, you didn’t,” he said. “Fuck that was exactly what I needed to hear.” He ran his hands over his face. “It’s just that even when I try to insulate myself from the noise, it leaks through. Comments about sales and singles and streaming and charting and all of this stuff that will really determine if I get to keep doing this. And it just makes me get so caught up in my head…” he trailed off.

“I do the same thing sometimes,” Penny replied. “I just get so focused on if this article will get more clicks than the last one, or if it will get good traction on social and help me ‘build my brand.’ I just forget why I do this job.”

Harry nodded. “It can be easy to lose that reason why.”

Their waiter used the break in the conversation to deliver their food, and Penny tucked into her chicken parm, savoring the dish that was a massive step up from her usual combo of a pre-packaged salad and Easy Mac.

“About those songs, you sent me,” Penny began.

“Oh! Did you like them?”

“Surprisingly, yes.”

“Surprisingly?”

“Yeah, I'm admittedly not the biggest country fan,” Penny said. “And to be honest, I’m pretty surprised you're into that kind of music.”

“Oh, I love it,” Harry said, leaning closer and speaking faster. “Country artists are hands down the best at telling a story in a song. I’d like to be able to do that one day. You know, write about an experience that isn’t mine? Or at least tell a story of my own.”

“You’re well on your way to doing that.”

Harry flushed but ignored the remark. “I, uh, liked the playlist you sent me. I’ve been listening to it in the mornings.”

“Really?”

“Yeah. Like I’ve heard almost all of the songs before, but not in that way. They tell a different story when you listen to them back-to-back like that.”

“Oh, well thanks. I’ve always prided myself on making good playlists.”

“If you have another, send it my way,” Harry said, taking a bite of his pasta. “I’d love to hear more of what you’ve put together.”

“Well, I’ll have to send you my ‘Bad Bitch’ playlist that I listen to ahead of meetings with my editor.”

“Please.”

She had meant it as a joke, but Harry clearly didn’t take it that way. “Oh yeah, I’ll send it now.” She picked up her phone and sent him the link. “Enjoy. I hope you’re able to find your inner bad bitch.”

“I’ll keep you updated on my progress.”

When the waiter dropped the check on the table, Harry swiftly collected it, placing his card in the leather holder, ignoring Penny’s protests.

“I’m the one who invited you,” he said. “It’s only fair that I pay.”

Penny chewed on her lip. It was basic ethics that journalists didn’t accept gifts from sources. You always paid and kept your fingers crossed that your publication would reimburse you. “I can’t let you.”

“Why not?”

“Because…” What was she supposed to say? I accepted your invite because I wanted to hear about your album? I want to use you for my own personal gains? “Because it’s 2019 and women can pay for themselves.”

“Tell you what, you pay for me next time?”

“You and these next times,” Penny said with a laugh. “Always asking for more.”

“I just thought you were having fun and I was –”

“Harry, I’m kidding. It would be great to see you again. You’re actually pleasant to be around when you’re not acting like an asshole.”

“Two compliments in one night? I should buy you dinner more often!”

“I think that will be the next next time.”

Harry laughed and Penny noticed how when he found something funny, really truly funny, the skin around his eyes crinkled as his dimples deepened. She felt a rush of pride knowing she brought that out in him.

Harry’s phone chirped and the dimples and crinkles disappeared as he looked down at the incoming message. “I guess I should be going. Duty calls.”

“Heading back to the studio?”

“Yeah…” The lightness had disappeared from him.

“I know it’s easy for me, the person that will be critiquing your album, to say, but just write what you feel, Harry. You can’t go wrong with that.”

“I’ll try my best,” he said. “Thanks for coming tonight.”

Penny rose from the table and Harry followed her to the exit. “Have a great rest of your night,” she said, unlocking her car.

“Yeah, you too,” Harry said, swaying on his feet. “I’ll uh, see you later?”

“Definitely! I think I’m free on Wednesday. I’ll text you.”

Harry smiled, and Penny felt warm inside, and marveled at how he could make her feel so good with just one gesture. “I’m looking forward to that,” he said. “Drive safe.”

As she drove home, Penny listened to the songs Harry had sent her over the week, really paying attention to the lyrics and the stories Harry had been talking about. He was right. They were some of the best she’d heard.

It wasn’t until Penny pulled into her parking spot in front of her building that she realized she didn’t get answers to any of her questions.

***

Harry took the quickest route to the studio from the restaurant, opening the voice notes app on his phone when he was stopped at a red light. He spoke quickly, tripping over his words, wanting to make sure he captured everything he was feeling in the moment. When he reached the studio, he rushed in, nearly bumping into Tyler as he turned the corner.

“Wasn’t expecting you to come back tonight, H,” Tyler said.

“I wasn’t either but inspiration struck and…”

“No, I get it,” Tyler said. “Want to get to work?”

“Let’s do it.”

***

The next morning, Penny awoke to a message from Harry.

I think I’ve finally found my inner bad bitch. Thanks for all the help.

***

Over the next couple of weeks, Penny and Harry fell into a rhythm. He’d text her, usually at night when she was getting home from a gig, and they’d message back and forth until one of them fell asleep. They met up for impromptu drinks a few times and got coffee a couple of others. Their outings were usually initiated by Harry, and Penny was more than happy to go along with his suggestions. She kept reminding herself that this was just for work, but she couldn’t deny how much she was enjoying their time together.

Penny had just left Darren’s office one Wednesday afternoon, clenching her hands so hard, she was sure her nails had drawn blood. He’d killed another one of her features, even after suggesting she write it, and everything felt pointless. She was back at her desk deciding what her next move would be – get coffee or cry in the bathroom – when her phone rang. Seeing Harry’s name on the caller ID, she answered almost immediately.

“Hey,” Harry said, his voice tinged with surprise.

“Hey.” Penny could hear the waver in her own voice.

“Is now a bad time?” Harry asked.

“No.”

“You sound…upset,” Harry said cautiously.

“Just a typical day here.”

“Would you have time to take a break? Maybe get a coffee? I’m at Full Stop today.”

Penny looked at her watch. She had time to spare and the way things had been going lately, Harry might be the perfect way to improve her mood. “Sure. I can meet you at Blue Bottle in like 10 minutes.”

“See you there.”

Penny ended the call and grabbed her wallet. “I’ll be back later,” she said to Chloe. Blue Bottle was just a quick walk from her office and she stood outside the coffee shop, rocking back and forth on her heels until she saw Harry approach.

“Hey,” he said, his eyes searching her for obvious signs of distress. “I’m glad you were able to sneak away.”

“Yeah, I needed the break.” Penny gestured to the register inside. “Want to order now?”

Harry nodded and followed Penny inside, ordering an iced Americano after she’d asked for a vanilla latte.

“This was supposed to be my treat,” Harry said as Penny inserted her card into the machine to pay. “I invited you.”

“Next time’s on you,” Penny said with a tight grin, moving off to the side to wait for their drinks, handing Harry a straw.

“So…” Harry said, picking the paper straw wrapper. “Are we going to talk about whatever’s happening here?”

“What? Nothing’s going on.”

“It’s just, you sounded upset on the phone,” Harry said. “And now you just look kind of sad. Stressed.”

“Gee thanks.”

“I didn’t mean that as a bad thing. I was just worried that something was going on.”

Penny looked up to meet Harry’s eyes. It was truly touching how concerned he was, but it also felt monumental. Like whatever she said in response would change the course of whatever was happening between them. “Thanks,” she said after a moment. “It’s just been a rough day at work after a string of rough days.”

“Want to talk about them?”

Penny sighed. “It’s my editor.”

Harry nodded. “I remember you talking about him. He’s the one that keeps shitting on your ideas.”

Penny whipped around to look at him again. “You remember?”

“Yeah, because I thought he sounded like a dick from what you told me.”

“Well, I can confirm that he is. And what he’s been doing recently is instead of letting me pitch stories, he’s assigning me his own pitches, and then even after I follow every single one of his stupid-ass rules, he still kills the story. Now, some of my sources are starting to get cagey since they don’t love sitting down for a call for an article that never materializes and I just feel like a terrible writer and it’s just hard. I feel like I’m stuck and that I’ll never get out.” She looked at Harry “Well, that’s what’s new with me. How about you?” She laughed nervously, aware she’d just spilled her guts to the man who was her mortal enemy mere weeks ago.

“I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this,” Harry said.

“I know it’s something everyone in a creative field goes through since art is so subjective but it’s just really tough when it feels like you’re the only one experiencing it.”

“Could I read it?”

“What?”

“Your story. The one Darren just killed,” Harry prompted.

“I don’t think you’d be interested. It’s really boring about music licensing and copyright law.”

“I don’t know. I’m a musician. I have songs. Feels pretty applicable.”

Penny sighed. “I’m just -”

“Trying to come up with another excuse?”

“Fine.” Penny unlocked her phone and opened the Google Docs app, navigating to the doc with the story she’d filed earlier that day. “Here,” she said, handing Harry her phone and walking away.

“Woah, where are you going?”

“I’m not going to stand here and watch you read my article. That’s just a form of cruel and unusual punishment. I’m going to wait over there.”

“No you’re not.” Harry grabbed Penny’s hand and pulled her back to his side, not letting go of her hand, even when she was standing next to him.

Penny froze. Harry didn’t appear to register what he was doing as he bowed his head and started to read the screen on the phone he held in his other hand. She stood there, next to him, watching as he read her work. The crinkle that emerged between his eyebrows as he focused, the way his mouth moved as he scanned the page, the way he nodded when he came across certain phrases.

“Latte and Americano for Penny,” the barista called.

Penny cleared her throat. “I should get those,” she said softly.

Harry looked down at the hands. “Oh, right, sorry. Didn’t mean to hold on like that.”

Penny fetched their drinks and when she returned, Harry had migrated to a small table in the corner where he finished reading the article. She didn’t want to fish for compliments, but was curious about what he thought. “Sooo,” she said, handing him the cup.

“I don’t know who your editor is but he’s an idiot for not publishing this. I heard a couple of people at Columbia discussing this last week. People would want to read this.”

“Maybe I should bring you back to the office to see if Darren will listen to you.”

“I am free for a couple more hours.”

Penny grinned. “Thanks. For…everything.”

“No, thanks needed, You’re a fantastic writer, Penny.”

“I wish Darren believed that. Hell, I wish I believed that.”

“Artists are always the most critical of themselves,” Harry said thoughtfully.

“Do you know that from personal experience?”

Harry let out a long sigh and nodded. “It has been a week.”

“Making any progress?” Penny asked, trying to sound casual.

“Kind of. But the label is asking for something that’s more radio friendly and I just don’t want to give it to them. Probably because I don’t know how to give it to them,” he added under his breath.

“I’m sure you’ll figure it out. You’ve got a good team. You’re…smart.”

Harry laughed. “You don’t sound so sure about that.”

“No, I didn’t mean it like that,” Penny said. “You just have like good music sense. It’s something that can’t be taught.” Harry stared at her blankly. “What? Did I say something wrong?” she asked.

“No.” He shook his head. “I’m just trying to remember when you started being so nice to me.”

“Shut up! You’re so stupid,” Penny said, flicking her straw wrapper at him.

“Shut up!” Harry shot back, mocking her tone as flicked the paper back towards her.

The two giggled, shooting the paper back and forth until Harry put a little too much muscle into it, causing the paper to land on the back of the woman behind Penny.

“So athletics aren’t your strong suit?” she teased.

“I don’t know about that.”

“Penny?”

Penny turned around and came face to face with Darren. Was no place safe? “H-h-hi,” she spluttered. “I was just taking a break. I’ll be back at the office soon.”

“Oh no worries,” Darren said smoothly. “I can tell you’re busy.” He eyed Harry. “Nice to meet you.”

“Yeah, pleasure,” Harry said, extending his hand for a handshake that Darren reciprocated. “I’m Harry.”

Darren nodded, not bothering to reciprocate the introduction. “Well, I’ll see you at the office, Penny.”

“Mhmm, talk soon.” Penny waited until she was sure Darren had left the coffee shop before turning back to Harry. “Fuck, I didn’t think he’d come here. He usually hates anything that brings people joy.”

“Was that weird? That was weird,” Harry said.

“It was.” Penny hadn’t been able to interpret what Darren had been thinking when he walked over there, but she didn’t think she’d be able to pretend like it hadn’t happened when she eventually made her way back to the newsroom.

“I think you could take him though,” Harry said.

“Excuse me?”

“I think you could beat him in a fight. Especially if it was a war of words.”

“Well, we’ve had a couple of those and they typically end with me hiding somewhere to cry.” Harry didn’t say anything and just stared at Penny with an indiscernible expression on his face. “But you didn’t need to know that…” she trailed off.

“You’re good at your job, Penny. Don’t let anyone try to convince you you’re not.”

“Thanks? Not sure if I believe that coming from the guy who bullied me over my writing a couple of weeks ago, but I’ll keep that in my back pocket.” Harry shook his head. “What?” Penny pressed.

“I’m always going to feel terrible about the way I treated you,” Harry said. “It had nothing to do with you, though. It was all about me.”

“Oh?”

“What bothered me was that everything you said was true. In that review you were just pointing out things that were painfully obvious. I just had my head so far up my own ass I couldn’t see. And when I read your words, I just felt so vulnerable.  Like if you noticed how guarded and cheap that album was, how many other people did too? I put everything into that it. What if that’s the best I have to offer? What if I never do anything better than that? Do you know what it feels like to question your worth and purpose like that every fucking day?”

“Of course I do. My job is to share my opinions online only to get yelled at by trolls on Twitter who think my being a woman means I don’t have a brain. Or feelings. Each day when I walk into work I have to brace myself for whatever shit Darren is going to throw at me. I have to watch men who know fuck all get chances that I deserve and anytime I try to do anything about it, I’m the one who gets punished. It’s exhausting and stresses me out more than it should, but if I woke up tomorrow and couldn’t do that, I’d be lost. It’s sadistic, but I think you know exactly what I mean.”

Harry blinked slowly. “I do,” he said after a moment. “I don’t think anyone has ever described it like that before, but that’s exactly it.”

They finished their drinks while checking their phones and it wasn’t lost on Penny how even sitting in silence with Harry felt comfortable, like they were old friends. She could have sat with him like that forever, but eventually Harry sighed, signaling the end of their time together.

“I probably need to be getting back,” he said. His face looked drawn and Penny couldn’t tell what had changed.

“Yeah, I should get back too.”

“I’ll walk you over.”

Penny got up and pushed in her chair as Harry disposed of their cups and wrappers. He met her at the door and held it open, walking alongside her when they were out on the sidewalk.

“Are you going back to the studio?” Penny asked. “Or is this a business day?”

“The studio. Hopefully things will fall together soon.”

“Well, break a leg? Good luck? I’m not sure what recording studio protocol is.”

“Any of those will work.” Harry glanced over at her. “Um, I’m assuming you’re back to work.”

“Yeah, not really sure what I’m going to work on for the rest of the day, but I’ll find something.”

“Try not to think about Darren. I mean it.”

“Well you can’t think about the studio execs when you write.”

“Deal.” Harry stopped outside Penny’s office as she pulled her ID from her pocket. “I’ll see you later.” He put his hand on her shoulder and then paused, as if it was a step too far. “Text me or something?”

Penny reached up and covered his hand with hers. “Definitely. Maybe we could do dinner sometime this week if you’re in the area.”

“Yeah, I’ll be around.”

“Great.” Harry’s hand was still on her shoulder as she awkwardly shifted towards the door. “Have a great rest of your day,” Penny said softly.

“You too,” Harry mumbled, breathless as he watched her walk inside.

***

Penny hadn’t been at her desk for more than a minute when Darren strode out of his office straight for her desk. “Fuck,” she mumbled under her breath. She looked around, hoping that someone would be around to diffuse the conversation, but the newsroom was surprisingly empty.

“Penny,” Darren began, voice echoing in the empty room.

“Yes?”

“I didn’t realize you knew Harry Styles?”

“Um, that’s a recent connection. We have a mutual friend.”

“Very cool.” Darren sat on the edge of Chloe’s desk, clicking the pen in his hand. “Learn anything from him?” he asked, attempting to sound casual.

“Not really. Like I said, I only met him recently.”

“That’s a shame. Any scoop from him could be big. Keep an ear out.”

“Um, sure,” Penny said.

“Keep me in the loop on any developments.”

Penny would rather chew glass than keep Darren “in the loop” but she just nodded pleasantly, hoping her agreement would make him go away. “Will do,” she said.

“Great!” Darren hopped off of the desk and headed back to his office, nearly bumping into Chloe as she walked in, coffee and pastry in hand.

“What was that about?” Chloe asked. She wiped off the edge of her desk when she was sure Darren’s door was closed.

“So, Darren ran into me and Harry while we were getting coffee.”

“Ooh, tell me more.”

“He started pumping me for info on Harry–”

“No!” Chloe whined. “Not about Darren, about Harry. I didn’t know you all were meeting up.”

“It was an impromptu thing. He was in the area and I needed a breather.”

“And Darren saw you?”

“Yes, and I think he wants me to leverage my…knowledge…of Harry to get a scoop on something.” Penny chewed on her lip. “I feel conflicted.”

“Babe, that’s exactly what you’ve been planning this whole time! I told you it was a bad idea then and I still think it’s a bad idea. You really think any idea Darren has is a good one?” She said his name in a tone usually reserved for dog shit.

“I know, I know,” Penny moaned. “But I’m just kind of torn because getting anything on him would be great for me but it would ruin our -”

“Burgeoning love affair?” Chloe cut her off.

“No, our friendship or whatever the hell it is.”

“Pen, I think you know what the right move is here. So I’m not going to tell you. You’re better than this and you are smarter than this. Don’t be a Darren!”

Penny clicked the cap on and off of the pen as she thought about Chloe’s words. “There has to be a way I can do the best of both worlds. I mean, critics and journalists hang out with the subjects of their writing all of the time. I can make this work.”

“I will make sure not to tell you ‘told you so’ when this blows up in your face.”

“That’s why you’re my best friend.” They sat at their respective desks and worked until it was closing time. Penny said goodbye and headed to her car. As she stepped outside of the building, she impulsively turned left, taking the circuitous route that would take her in front of Full Stop’s office. As she approached the building, she squinted looking in the windows. She didn’t know what she was hoping to find but she felt an extreme sense of disappointment when she didn’t see Harry.

She finished her walk to the garage, climbing in her car and turning the radio on first thing. As she drove home, her mind wandered – to Darren, to her brother’s upcoming birthday (she still needed to find a card), to Chloe’s annual film festival – but her thoughts were mainly occupied by Harry. What was he doing at this moment? Was he still at the studio? Was he out with friends?

Her phone chimed as she pulled into her parking space. It was a text from Harry. A link to a song. She smiled as she put her headphones on to listen.

***

Are you busy?

Three little words and her heart started racing.

It had been a few days since her impromptu coffee with Harry, they’d talked even more than usual. Penny woke up to texts from Harry – songs, random musings, once, a funny YouTube video – and his messages were also what lulled her to sleep. She wasn’t sure what to call this new stage, but felt that friendship was a good start.

Penny counted to twenty before responding. Not really. What do you need?

She could see him typing in the message thread.

I’m working today and am a little stuck on something. I wanted to get your advice. A voice note followed the message. Take a listen and let me know what you think.

Penny’s phone burned hot in her hand with the knowledge of what that message contained. She rose from her desk, searched for her earbuds and rushed off to find a quiet spot in the office to listen to the note. In the dim hallway that led the kitchen, she pushed her earbuds in and turned up the volume before pressing play.

It was an unfinished demo, but despite the rough nature of the recording, she could tell this song was something special. It started off with a strong drum section before Harry’s vocals came in. His higher register, smoother than ever. She closed her eyes, Even with shitty discount earbuds she could feel the beat pulsing, throbbing, echoing within her. It was magic. When it finished playing, she hit play again, focusing on the lyrics this time through. Phrases about shining, stepping into the light, recurred throughout, and while it was beyond her to speculate the meaning of the lyrics, they felt deeply personal. The kind of personal that everyone could relate to. The hallmark of a good song.

She listened a third time for good measure before typing out her response. Initial reaction, I love it. On more listens, it feels like the bass and drums might be a little too much. There’s an intimacy to this song and you don’t want to lose that. Find a way to balance the two and you’ve got a hit.

Harry’s reply came quickly. You’re exactly right! Thanks!

Any time.

“Penny?”

She looked up from her phone to see Darren in front of her, mug in hand, clearly on his way to get some of the paltry excuse for coffee kept in the kitchen.

“Yeah?”

“What are you doing?”

She searched her brain for a reason she’d be standing in a dark hallway with her headphones. “I was taking a call,” she finally said. “It was a little noisy in the main room and I just needed some quiet.”

“OK, well that’s what we have the call booths for. Keep that in mind.” Darren stared at her and Penny prayed he wouldn’t be able to sniff out the real reason she was there.

“I should go,” she said, dashing towards her desk.

“All good?” Chloe asked, taking in the panic on Penny’s phase.

“You-know-who almost caught me with a demo the other you-know-who sent me,” Penny said, voice low.

“Shit.”

“Yeah, it was a little too close for comfort.”

“Why?”

Penny turned around in confusion. “What do you mean?”

“Let’s think this through,” Chloe said. “Why are you so concerned about Darren finding out what you know?”

“Because it’s an ethics issue.”

“Why is it an ethics issue?”

“Because I know Harry. We’ve gotten drinks together.”

“OK, yes,” Chloe prompted. “But how is that any different from you getting drinks with Paul at a networking event and then quoting him in a piece? Or when you went to dinner with those investors that were funding that new streaming startup and then wrote a story?”

“It’s just different. My brother’s best friend didn’t introduce me to them.”

“But he did introduce you to Janice and you quoted her.”

“I-that’s not the same and you know it.”

“You want to know what I think?” Chloe asked.

“Not particularly.”

“I think that three weeks ago you thought this scheme was a great idea but then you actually spent time with Harry and now you care about him and you don’t want him to know you were using him and you also don’t want to risk your reputation.”

Penny scoffed. “You are so off base.”

“Am I? You haven’t looked me in the eye since you sat down and your hands are shaking. You’re lying and we both know it.”

“It’s not what you think,” Penny said. “I didn’t want Darren to know because if he gets ahold of the story he’ll probably kill it and I don’t want that to happen. I’m saving it for one of our editorial meetings so I can have Skylar there as backup.” She hoped the lie sounded more convincing than it felt.

“Sure,” Chloe said. “Do you want to get drinks after work tonight?” she asked, smartly changing the subject.

Penny nodded in agreement, but inside she was wondering why she was so scared to tell her best friend the truth.

***

Penny paced in her kitchen keeping an eye on her phone on the counter, willing it to light up with a new notification. It had been three days since Harry had shared his demo, forcing her  to confront the emotions that had been brewing inside of her for the past few months.

She’d reached out a couple of times. First to ask how the rest of his studio session went, and then to share some more songs and music videos she liked. And when those went unanswered, she reached out again, asking if everything was OK only to be met with radio silence. She was fairly certain that nothing was wrong, but concern lurked in the back of her mind, and after a few more minutes of pacing, she grabbed her phone and keys and headed for her car.

She scrolled through her messages until she found Harry’s address which she programmed into her GPS. When she pulled up to the gate, she pressed the buzzer. Then hit it again. And again. And again. Finally, she heard Harry’s voice through the crackly speaker.

“Hello?” His voice sounded different than usual and she couldn’t be sure if it was because of the speaker or something else.

“Uh, it’s Penny. I hadn’t heard from you and was a little nervous since we were supposed to go to that show tonight?”

“Oh, fuck. Come on in.”

She heard a loud buzz and then the gates parted, allowing her to drive in. She glanced at the landscaping as she drove up the path. It was nice and well-maintained, definitely not by him, and she appreciated the views the property offered. She put the car in park in front of the garage. Harry was standing on the front stoop waiting for her.

“I’m so sorry,” he croaked, voice gravely even without the interference of the intercom. “I came down with this spring flu or something. I’ve been out of commission for a few days.”

“Don’t apologize. I was just worried.” Shit. That wasn’t what she meant to say. “Like just since we had these tickets. I wasn’t sure if you still wanted them or…”

“Yeah, of course. I honestly don’t think I’m up for a show tonight. I’m better, but still not 100%.”

“No, I get it.” Penny rocked back and forth on her feet. “Do you want some company?”

Harry paused. “What about the show?”

“One of my friends had been asking about the tickets. I can give them to her.” It felt wrong to go if Harry wasn’t there, not that she’d ever admit that to him.

“Uh, sure,” he said, scratching the back of his neck. “Come on in. It’s a little messy.”

Penny followed him inside, toeing off her shoes in the front hall. She padded behind Harry as he led her into a den. The large sectional was covered in pillows and blankets and he cleared a spot off on one side of the couch, making room for Penny.

“Make yourself at home,” Harry said, a sniffle punctuating his statement.

“Can I get you anything?” Penny asked.

“You're my guest. Shouldn’t I be asking you that?”

“But you’re sick.”

Harry shrugged. “There’s water, juice, beer, and wine in the kitchen. There might be some ginger ale left as well.”

“Ooh my favorite.”

“Help yourself. I’ll have one too.”

Penny grabbed a couple of cans from the fridge, trying not to gawk at the gourmet kitchen around her. “Ice?” she called over her shoulder.

“No thanks.”

She handed Harry one of the cans and they popped the tabs in synchronicity, grinning at their timing.

“Should we be drinking to your health?” Penny asked, before sipping from the can.

Harry grinned. “I can use any and all well wishes. This just knocked me out. I can’t remember the last time I was that sick.” He shuddered as if reliving a traumatic memory.

“It must have been pretty rough. I was worried about not hearing from you.” That was a normal thing to say, right? Penny was suddenly second guessing her words. “I mean just because we had the plans for the show,” she quickly explained.

“No, I apologize. I wasn’t really with it for a couple of days and was pretty useless. Thankfully I had some people looking out for me.”

At that moment, there was nothing Penny wanted to know more than who these people were. “That’s nice. I’m assuming Jeff stopped by?”

Harry nodded. “And Glenne. They brought me some soup and bread. Glenne is Jeff’s girlfriend,” he clarified.

“Oh.”

“And now you are stopping by. I’ve clearly got a village looking after me.”

“Um, yeah.” Penny didn’t know what was wrong with her. On the drive over, she’d been filled with thoughts of what she’d say when she saw Harry, but now that she was with him her mind was blank. “How does it work when you're sick? Like do you have to take a sick day?” What the fuck kind of question was that, she thought to herself. She took a sip of ginger ale.

“Uh, like not really. Sometimes I try to work through it but since we aren’t on a hard deadline I just tried to take it easy. Figured taking a few days off might also help me get in a better place creatively.” He stroked his chin. “Not sure that worked but I guess we’ll find out soon.”

Penny stared at Harry until she realized it was her turn to speak. “I do a similar thing when I have writer’s block.”

Harry looked at her questioningly. “Get sick?”

“No, like, try to take a break.” She took another sip of her drink. “This is weird. I didn’t mean to intrude. I’m just going to head out.” She rose from the couch.

“Why is it weird?” Harry asked, voice still strained from his illness. “We were going to the show tonight, why can’t we just hang out here instead? Watch a movie or something? Play a board game?”

Penny laughed. “A board game?”

“I happen to be a next level Scrabble player.”

“Is that so?”

Harry nodded. “And I can prove it to you if you’ll stay and play with me.”

Penny rubbed her thumb along her can, catching a drop of condensation. What did this mean – the two of them hanging out together without a concert or shop talk as a buffer. The two of them alone in Harry’s house altered the stakes in a significant way. The lines between source and friend and whatever else was lurking in the background were significantly blurred and she felt like she was playing with fire. “Sure,” she said. “Just let me send these tickets to Chloe so someone can make use of them.”

“Great! I’ll find the game.”

Just as Penny pressed the transfer button, Harry reappeared, a worn and well-loved Scrabble box in his hand. “Get comfortable, I’m serious,” he said, easing down onto the floor and setting the Scrabble board up on the coffee table.

Penny shrugged off her cardigan, laying it on the couch behind her before joining Harry on the floor. “How does this work?”

“You’ve never played?” he asked incredulously as Penny shook her head. “How is that even possible?”

“I don’t know,” Penny laughed. “I just never played. I’m honestly not a huge board game person.”

“I can’t believe I let you into my house,” Harry deadpanned. “Not a board game person! Madness!”

Penny rolled her eyes. “Just shut up and teach me how to play.”

Harry started explaining the rules as finished setting up the pieces and Penny tried not to giggle at his excitement and the way he tripped over his words as he laid everything out for her. It wasn’t a complicated game and Penny quickly caught on, relishing the few times she was able to land a double or triple word score, much to Harry’s chagrin.

“I thought you said you hadn’t played before!” he exclaimed.

“I haven’t!”

“How are you so good?”

“Harry, I write for a living and it’s a word game, not fucking brain surgery.”

“Beginner’s luck!”

“Or maybe I’m just better than you!”

They were in the middle of their second game before Penny realized that they hadn’t said a thing about their jobs. No mention of new albums or concerts or studio executives or editors. And the conversation managed to feel easy. It felt like she was with someone she’d known forever, and she loved how comforting that felt.

As they were finishing up the game, Penny could see that Harry’s energy was waning. His laughter didn’t quite reach his eyes anymore and he seemed a little dazed after a couple of coughing fits. “Would you want to switch to a movie or something?” she suggested gently.

“That would be nice,” he relented after a moment’s hesitation. “I’m going to make some tea before, though. Would you like some?”

“Sure, I can help.”

Harry looked like he was about to protest but after glancing at Penny, he abandoned whatever he was about to say, gesturing for her to lead the way. They stood side by side in the kitchen as the water boiled, and Penny tried not to shiver when Harry’s hand grazed hers as he handed her a teabag. Beverages in hand, they made their way back to the couch. Harry stretched out, fishing for the remote among the cushions and Penny plopped down across from him. Harry flicked through the various films available turning to Penny every so often to gauge her opinion before finally settling on a comedy they’d both seen before.

For the first half of the film, they made each other laugh, reciting the memorable lines along with the actors on screen, but after an hour or so, Penny heard an odd noise coming from where Harry was sprawled. His head was resting on the arm of the couch and he had his arms folded over his chest, as if he was trying to curl into himself. His chest rose and fell evenly as soft snores came from his lips. The moment felt too intimate and Penny felt as though she should avert her eyes. But try as she might, she couldn’t.

This was the Harry she’d gotten to know over the past few weeks, the one who was vulnerable and second guessed himself and who cared about things so deeply he let them consume him. The one who looked out for those around him and was surprised when people did the same for him. The Harry who wanted to be her friend.

In that moment, everything clicked for Penny and she felt like she was seeing clearly for the first time in weeks. She couldn’t betray Harry. She’d figure out another way to deal with Darren and find the career changing scoop, but she couldn’t risk losing Harry. If she was this concerned about not hearing from him for three days, what would happen if he was out of her life forever?

Penny wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do with her newfound clarity, but being in Harry’s presence in the wake of the revelation felt suffocating. She needed to get out of his house. Gingerly, she reached over to turn the television off before placing a blanket over his sleeping form. She grabbed her cardigan and shoved her feet in her shoes only to open the door and come face to face with Jeff.

“Heeeyyy,” he said cautiously. “What are you doing here?”

“Hi!” Penny said quickly, stepping out onto the porch and gently closing the door behind her. “How are you?”

“Fine. I-I don’t mean to be rude but I’m just confused as to what you’re doing here.” Jeff laughed lightly.

“So Harry and I were supposed to go to a concert tonight but I hadn’t heard from him in a couple of days and when I texted him about meeting up he didn’t respond and I was a little worried so I came over to check on him.” The words all came out in a weird, breathy, rushed whisper.

“Right,” Jeff said slowly. “Why are you whispering?”

“Because Harry’s asleep.” Penny’s eyes widened hearing her own words. “He fell asleep. After we played Scrabble. And watched a movie. I think he’s still on the mend.”

“You hung out with him?”

Penny nodded. “Yeah, I didn’t plan on staying but he invited me in and it seemed like he wanted company sooo…”

“Yeah, no that’s great,” Jeff said. “I’ve just been checking in on him on my way home each night and I know some others have too but I was just surprised to see you here.” He grinned. “Quite different from how things were a month ago.”

“Mhmm,” was all Penny could get out. “I should probably go.” She darted around Jeff and half walked half jogged down the path, fishing for her keys in her bag while she did so. When she managed to unlock the door, she gave Jeff a casual wave before driving off.

“They just need to fuck,” Jeff said to himself, shaking his head before heading inside.

Harry was jolted awake by the sound of the front door closing, and looked around the room confused as to where his companion had gone. “Penny?” he rasped.

“Nope, just me,” Jeff said, poking his head around the corner. “Don’t mean to disappoint you.”

“You’re the farthest thing from a disappointment, Jeffrey. Penny was just here earlier and I just assumed...”

“I know, I ran into her on the way out.”

Harry frowned as he ran his hand through his messy curls. “She left without saying goodbye.”

Jeff shrugged. “I guess. She said you were asleep and looked like she was in a rush. Maybe she had better things to do than watch the guy who refuses to admit he’s in love with her sleep for two hours.”

“I -”

“Don’t fight it, H. We all see it.”

“There’s nothing to see, Jeffrey.”

Jeff sat down on the edge of the coffee table looking Harry directly in the eye. “H, I’ve known you a long time and because of that, I’d like to think I know you better than most. Something’s been going on with you this year. You’ve been…off. You said Japan was going to reset you but it didn’t seem like it worked. I mean the way you treated Penny those first couple of times.” He exhaled. “That wasn’t you. But the past few weeks, it’s like a switch has been flipped. You’re writing again, you seem happy, and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that this happened after you’ve gotten to know Penny.”

Harry refused to meet Jeff’s eyes, keeping his gaze on the wall behind him. “I feel like Penny understands me in a way no one else does. It’s like I don’t even have to explain things to her. She just gets it, gets me. But that’s it.”

“Oh, is that all?”

“Yeah, we’re friends.”

Jeff pursed his lips. “So if she wanted to go to dinner and then…I don’t know…have sex after you’d say no? Since you all are ‘just friends.’” He made air quotes with his fingers as he said the last two words. “If she said you should call it a date instead of dinner, you wouldn’t want that?”

“Yeah.”

“Look me in the eyes and tell me that, H.”

Harry turned his head and looked Jeff dead in the eye. “Penny and I are just friends and I don’t want to sleep with her. Or date her.”

Jeff held his gaze. “You’ve always been a shit liar, H.”

***

Penny couldn’t sleep that night, her mind replaying her day with Harry again and again. She knew what she needed to do now, but that didn’t make things any easier.

She couldn’t move forward with the article…that was a given. But Harry…she didn’t know what to do about him. There was no way he could feel the same about her. He just couldn’t. And to put herself out there? Be that vulnerable with him? Now that was a recipe for disaster.

She closed her eyes and willed herself to fall asleep. But as she counted sheep, all she could think of was how much she wished Harry were lying next to her.

***

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[m34gs]

For the ask game--GrimmIchi, UraTess, aaaaand if I can ask if you have a favorite ship with Zaraki? I've seen a couple things (in general, not on your blog specifically) with Zaraki and Hanataro and I'm not gonna lie, I'm intrigued

Hi friend! Thank you for the ask (based on this post)! I'm eager to answer :D I'm very versatile in Bleach ships, there's not many that I would say "no" to, honestly!

Grimmichi (Grimmjow/Ichigo)- I hardcore ship it! (of course, hehehe)

What made you ship it? Literally any and every time they look at each other. You can *taste* the UST in the air, ahahahaha. Also the way in which Grimmjow is obsessed with beating Ichigo in a fight. Like, sir, your gay is showing...lol

What are your favorite things about the ship? To quote one of my favourite 50% off Goh moments: "They hate each other, but they also *insert dolphin noise* each other!" I just really love the enemies to lovers aspect. And they have but One Brain Cell between the two of them. Sometimes Grimmjow lets Ichigo borrow it. (my opinion; between the two Ichigo is the more dense one)

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? Hmm, well I don't know if it's really unpopular, but as I just mentioned above, I think Ichigo can be the dumb one more often than Grimmjow. I see Grimmjow often portrayed as a bit dense and dumb, and sure I get it, and I also write it. I do think he would be stumped by human-world things and all, seeing as he is an amalgamation of souls that don't remember their human lives, and is from Hueco Mundo. But, he is still pretty intelligent. He used Orihime to draw Ichigo out for a fight. He knew better than to fight Orihime herself. He has his dumb moments, but he is a bit cat-like in his cunning and caution. I think he can catch onto things quickly. On the other hand, we have Ichigo "I'm gonna chop the Menos Grande piece by piece until it's head hits the ground and I can reach it" Kurosaki.

UraTess (Urahara/Tessai)- Yes, I ship it

What made you ship it? They live together and raise two children. What's not to ship?

What are your favorite things about the ship? I think they have a good mutual respect for each other and each other's strengths. This is one of my quieter ships in my mind, so I don't have as many burning thoughts about it, but I really just feel they're so domestic together. Makes me happy.

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? I don't think so? I'm not sure. I don't really talk about this ship as much, and I don't see it talked about as much...

Zaraki/Hanataro (using your example because YES) - yeah, I ship it. not as hard as I ship other ones, but I think this one is super cute!

What made you ship it? Honestly, I can be a sucker for Rough and Tough x Soft yet Determined to Help Others as a dynamic, and these two definitely have that going on. I really love Hanataro as a character and I think he's really underrated. And, I love Zaraki! So! Much! (and if I'm projecting a little by shipping him with a health care professional type? Sue me lol)

What are your favorite things about the ship? SIZE DIFFERENCE SIZE DIFFERENCE SIZE DIFFERENCE SIZE DIFFERENCE SIZE DIFFERENCE SIZE DIFFERENCE!!!!!!! Also, the idea that Hanataro is teased by Team 11, but if anyone threatens him he now suddenly has a badass boyfriend and an entire team of badass protectors ready to fight for him... And I like to think all of Team 11 kind of starts to quietly respect his abilities for healing and recognizes it as a different kind of strength!

Is there an unpopular opinion you have on your ship? I am not sure! I don't really search enough on this ship to know what is and is not popular...it more just lives in my head :)

[edwad]

Have you read Moseley's critique of Heinrich yet? I just got a pdf and am about to sit down for it. I know nothing about the guy so idk what I'm in store for.

started reading it last night and, theoretical content aside, its an unedited mess which reads more like a collection of incoherent notes scrawled around semi-relevant quotations from marx. plenty of typos and redundancies which make the reading a bit of a chore. here's an early example which made me laugh:

anyway, in terms of argument, i tend to think of moseley as a bit of a marxist-fundamentalist, although admittedly a fairly sophisticated one. he knows his marx and how to cite him, but this gets him (and a lot of others) into trouble when it comes to voicing disagreements with heinrich, whose whole riff is that marx is theoretically ambivalent on these questions so finding quotes which seem to suggest one reading isn't enough to justify that reading as the only possible (or even "true") one. moseley also spends a lot of time quote-mining marxs earlier texts from the late 50s and chapter 1 of the 1st edition of v1 in order to make his points, but this skates past heinrich's argument that marx becomes increasingly aware of these problems especially into the 70s, with his revisions demonstrating a deliberate attempt by marx to address some of these issues (although not necessarily ridding himself of these ambivalences and completing the break with political economy). to say that marx said "___" before he had even fully come to terms with the difference between value and exchange-value (which only really consciously happens with the 2nd german edition) isn't necessarily a point in moseley's favor.

admittedly, a big chunk of the text seems to be more dedicated to marx's revisions for the 2nd edition on the basis of the e+v manuscript (which is being translated! see my pinned post), so i suppose he'll come to these things further in to the book, but it's not a strong start by any means. it looks like he's spending a lot of time preparing for that by simply propping up a lazy strawman of heinrich in the typical way which ignores the latter's claims about production AND exchange as co-constitutive of value, as necessary presuppositions themselves, and instead turns it into the stupid cat-and-mouse game of "which one of these moments is where value gets created". it completely misses the point which, granted, has been a constant in their back and forths for years now imo. but i guess it's also worth saying that these two are fairly close (personally, i mean) despite their theoretical differences and this shouldn't be seen as some big feud between rival marx-interpreters. it's just a product of an ongoing discussion between two friends who have been bantering about this like two old men in rocking chairs on a porch for decades. they definitely get frustrated with each other sometimes, but a lot of these discussions have been the result of invitations-to-respond and a shared interest in each others work.

[oldbutnotyetwise]

Talking to Myself

Talking to Myself

          So the other day I was chatting with a wise and learned friend about movies worth watching.  She shared with me how sad she was to learn about Bruce Willis recently being diagnosed with Frontotemporal Dementia.  She then mentioned how much she loved an old Bruce Willis Movie called The Kid, and recommended that I watch it.  I had never heard of it.  I did pause and think to myself you want me to watch a Bruce Willis movie, and it’s not one of the Die Hards….and it’s on the Disney Channel?

     Well due to the deep respect I have for my friend I took a look at this movie and it was interesting.  The gist of the story is that a grown man meets up with his eight year old self.  Now I don’t think this was epic cinema, but what an interesting premise.  This got me thinking what would my eight year old self have to say to my present day self, and maybe more importantly what would my present day self have to say to my eight year old self.

     I expect the first thing my eight year old self would say is, How did you get so old?  I would answer back that I don’t know, that somehow when I wasn’t looking the years just evaporated.  That all that time I spent as a child wishing that I was grown up, was time poorly spent.  That my childhood wasn’t as bad as I thought it was at the time, and that the whole being grown up thing is highly over-rated.

     Then he would ask about my careers as a carpenter, an actor, a folk singer,  police officer, a player in the NHL, a baseball player in the major leagues and I would sadly tell him that I had to pick just one, that there just wasn’t enough time to do them all.  I would tell him that in the end I made the right choice for my career and that I did it well and maybe left the world a little better than I had found it when I started.  I would also tell him that I hadn’t played hockey or baseball in over 50 years.

     He would shyly ask me if I had a girlfriend and I would tell him that in my life I was fortunate to have had great love, and that at this time my life I had my greatest love of all.

     He would ask me about all the children that I had, and I would say that I only had one, an amazing daughter.  He would ask why I didn’t have more and I would have to explain about failed marriages and he would look at me with his arms crossed and shake his head disapprovingly.

     He would ask me about my dog and I would tell him about all the wonderful canine companions that had shared my company over the years.  I would also tell him how my dogs taught me about loyalty, love, optimism and most importantly how to start each day like it was about to be the best day of my life.  Although your parents won’t let you have a dog, when you grow up you will have many.

     He would ask me if I was famous, and I would tell him that as I had grown older I quickly recognized that fame came with too heavy a price tag and that I had come to enjoy my rather anonymous life instead.

     Then he would ask if he had turned out alright, and I would pause before answering.  I would tell him that there had been many very difficult and challenging times over the years but that as I got older I had managed to make it to a place where I liked and respected myself and that yes, I felt I had turned out alright.

     Now when it comes to my present day self talking to my eight year old self I would explain that life sometimes takes you to places that you didn’t expect to go.  I would advise him not to expend all that energy fighting it, but to rather trust life to take you where it knows you need to go.  That well worn quote “It’s not about the destination, it’s about the journey” really does apply to life.  

     I would try to convince my young self to stop worrying about so much stuff, that about 98% of the stuff I spent all that time worrying about never happened.  When the things I was worrying about actually happened, most of the time they weren’t as bad as I had imagined they would be.  I guess I would just say trust in the journey, it will all work out, maybe not the way you thought, but it will be fine none the less.  

     I would try to instil in my young self that it is important to always do what is right, even when it’s unpopular and even when you are the only one doing it.  Life is just so much simpler when you live it ethically, with empathy and with kindness. It doesn’t matter if someone else thinks you’re a good person or not, what matters is that you know, not think, you know that you are a good person.

     When it comes to friends, pick them wisely and always remember quality is much more important than quantity.  It’s okay if friends drift in and out of your life, but always be the kind of friend that you are looking for.  Always stand by your friends, be there when they need you, and you are likely to find that they will be there when you need them.  When it comes to friendship we tend to reap what we sow, so if your friends aren’t nice people then maybe it’s time to look at yourself a little harder.

     Now about love and relationships, first I am highly unqualified to give advice in this area but I will try none the less.  First and foremost, the beauty on the inside is more important than the beauty on the outside, always, always remember that.  When every boy in the class is swooning over that one popular girl, step back and look around and you may very well find a diamond in the rough.  Always be honest, and never settle when it comes to love.  Finally, you will make mistakes, many of them but never give up, because a life lived without love is a life hardly worth living.

     Know what is important, and it is not fame or fortune.  Be like a good Buddhist and spend your life pursuing happiness.  Be a good husband or partner, and be a good parent - this is the foundation so work very hard at getting this right.  Your heart will get broken many times, and you will break some hearts but never give up, and never settle when it comes to love.

     Try very hard to be grateful, as grateful people tend to be happy people.  Even when you are surrounded by bad things or going through a rough patch, always look for the collateral beauty and the good people.  They are there but you will have to look hard to see them sometimes.

     And finally, enjoy the journey, life is an adventure to be lived, live it to the fullest.  Don’t put things off, do them while you still can because dying with regrets makes for a sad death.  The song lyric,”I’d rather have something to forget than nothing to remember” applies here.

     So now that I have let you eavesdrop on my conversation with my younger self I ask you, What would you say to your eight year old self, and perhaps more importantly, what would your eight year old self say to you?

[chloeinletters]

Hi Chloe! I found your newsletter and I'm currently reading them. I really love your words, and of course that goes with your thoughts as well :) I'm looking forward to subscribing but can't right now because I just recently resigned from my full-time job and currently saving every penny that I can while I'm looking for work :(

Anyway, I wanted to ask how you started with your newsletter? I admire working artists like you, and you inspired me to start mine. My worry is that, I'm not really known anywhere. Only a few followers in IG and Tumblr and some of my friends know that I write. I wonder if i start a newsletter, if there will be anyone at all who would read it. Did you immediately start with a paid subscription? Or did you gather first a few more readers before doing so? I'm hoping I could turn my writing into a career and make some few good bucks, and this may be a good start. Thank you and I hope you won't stop writing!

First and foremost. Sorry this took me ages to answer. I procrastinated and my procrastination made me anxious.

Second, accessible art has gotten me through so much. If you feel comfortable enough to DM me on instagram your email I will comp you a subscription 🫶🏻

Finally, your question. I didn’t immediately have a large following nor did I start with paid subscribers. I did it about 6 months or so in because I had no $$ and I needed something just a little more than what I was getting. To pay literally for coffee just to alleviate that small pressure. I’m a perfect world I would have liked to wait another 6 months to do this or so. I wish I gave myself time to plan and work but it didn’t happen that way and I was making 80$ a week at that time.

When it comes to starting a newsletter you don’t need to be well known. I didn’t really have a lot of followers anywhere when I began. My first month I had 40 to 50 readers which were largely my moms friends, my friends, and my family. And like everyone else when I made chloeinletters in any regard I stared with 0 followers and worked up. My advice to you in regards to starting is making something you’d enjoy even if only five readers read it. Not to say it wouldn’t be discouraging but something that you would give equal courage, time, energy, and vulnerability to even if five people were reading it for the first year. I also think take the easy way because even the easy way can be hard. My newsletter came from: what can I give right now thay won’t deplete my already limited attention span, energy, and joy. I liked quotes and was already reading, I had scrap poems that I did nothing with, and I had about one thing to say a month. Thus my newsletter was born. It was not of great consequence for me to spend time with it. I was usually, by design? already doing the things I needed to make a newsletter just in my homework and in my head. If you’re working and doing this you have to have a gentle hand I think. At least for me I am easily discouraged by my own ambition.

The practical explanation for this is endless. For one thing consistency is the key to growing. And because readers know when you’re tired, lying, and half assing things. What they don’t know is how many other readers there are. So if you treat it as a minuscule unimportant number they will feel that this is not an important thing for you and thus be in no rush to connect and read your work. And if you enjoy making it and get excited to create you will want to do it each month every other week or however often you feel you can open yourself to others.

The truth is you can do it. You just have to do it the way you can do it. You have to decide to set a boundary on your desire to be big and famous and you have to want to do it. Regardless of how many people are reading. Obviously growing is ideal. Obviously the idea that many people would read your work is so fun but five people, five friends, is still five people reading it. Take joy in all numbers. They all hold weight.

Hope this helps my brain is a bit scattered. If you have any other questions feel free again to DM me. I reply quicker there. Promise!

[inglourious-imagines]

PROMPT LIST

Hello people! This is my own prompt list! Feel free to send requests! I’m really excited to do this haha

Also, this really took me some time to put it all together so please, if you reblog/use it/etc. give me credit. Thanks!

Update: If you have your own prompt that is not listed, quote or whatever else and you think it’s great, you can send it to me and we’ll see what comes out of it.

1. I fucking hate everyone. But you, you’re the only person I don’t hate.

2. And he looked at me, like there was something in me worth looking at. 

3. Anger makes you stupid. Stupid gets you killed.

4. I’m here. You can talk to me or not talk to me but I’m here.

5. Goddamn right you should be scared of me! 

6. And suddenly, life wasn’t about living. It was about surviving.

7. "-but you’ll die!“ "I don’t care." 

8. I said I’m fucking fine.

9. Don’t you touch her.

10. We sat there smoking cigarettes at 5 in the morning. 

11. Oh! The girl/boy I’ve heard so much about. 

12. No one would hurt you again, or I’d kill them.

13. A cigarette for a thousand problems.

14. I could keep you save. They’re all afraid of me.

15. You look so proud standing there with a frown and a cigarette. 

16. Thank you for loving me when I still tasted of heartache and war.

17. His eyes had more darkness than any other eyes I had ever seen before.

18. You don’t know shit about what happened to me. 

19. This is who we are, a product of war.

20. Looking half a corpse and half a god.

21. I wanna see how you lose control.

22. I look at you and I just love you and it terrifies me. It terrifies me what I would do for you. 

23. "You can’t protect everyone.” “I have to try." 

24. He’s a badass with a good heart.

25. You are losing my interest, and that is very dangerous. 

26. In a fight, they’re lethal. Around each other, they melt. 

27. I wonder which will get you killed faster, your loyalty or your stubbornness.

28. You collect scars because you want proof that you are paying for whatever sins you’ve comitted. 

29. With this smile, I can get away with everything. 

30. I was so stupid to make the mistake of falling in love with my best friend. 

31. Come over here and make me.

32. Oh my god! You’re in love with him!

33. Oh, do you ever shut up? 

34. Can you two please get a room? 

35. I have a name and it’s not sweetheart. 

36. If I ever see you anywhere near her, you’ll have to deal with me. 

37. Everyone keeps telling me you’re the bad guy. 

38. Such dirty words from such a pretty little mouth. 

39. Kiss me. 

40. Are you flirting or starting a fight? 

41. You stay awake do you hear me?! Don’t you dare close your eyes! Please! Come on! 

42. Honestly, I only asked you for help because it’s so cute when you try.  

43. You’re standing a little close to me..

44. You’re evil. It’s hot. 

45. If you bite your lip one more time, I swear I’m going to do it for you. 

46. By the Gods! You love her, don’t you? 

47. It’s blood, not nuclear waste. Chill out. 

48. A knife? Are you flirting with me? 

49. "Hear me out.” “Why the fuck should i listen to you?" 

50. I’ve been wanting to kick your ass all week. 

51. Rumour has it, I make you nervous. 

52. Leave, leave right now.

53. Can you just fuck off already?

54. "I- I trusted you!” “Sweet naive girl, trust is for children. You are a soldier." 

55. Alcohol’s the only instant in my life.

56. You gotta stop saying things that make me want to kiss you. 

57. Please don’t do this. Don’t act like you care. 

58. Is everything supposed to go dark?

59. Why can’t you see what you’re doing to me. 

60. Fuck, you’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever seen in my whole life.

61. It’s 2 in the morning. Why are you still up?

62. I want an answer, goddammit! 

63. You make me want things I can’t have. 

64. Cut the crap and tell me what happened. 

65. Hear my heartbeat? Just focus on that.

66. It’s nice to see someone who can appreciate my humour.

67. We’re more than just friends and you know it. 

68. It’s pitch black in here and I can see you’re blushing.

69. Yes asshole, I do care about you.

70. They’re both stubborn and it’s complicated. 

71. For you, I would.

72. I like you more than I planned.

73. I need you, idiot.

74. Golden eyes and a smile made for war.

75. Take that, fuckers!

76. I licked it so it’s mine!

77. We’re in this together. 

78. Can I have this dance? 

79. Look, I know you’re a hardass but can you play with my hair? It would really help. 

80. No! Stay away from me! Stay back! 

81. Maybe if you actually stop staring at her and talk to her, you might have a chance. 

82. You have to promise you won’t fall in love with me.

83. I know that face. That’s your I’m-upset-with-you face. 

84. I think we’d make this a fair fight if we each had a gun. Don’t you think, boys? 

85. He loves you, you know? He’s just afraid of admitting it.

86. Dear Lord, please have mercy on my soul. This woman/man will be the death of me. 

87. There are other things than Germans that can kill you. 

88. What the hell? You are supposed to hate me!

89. Why do you like me?

90. "You’re annoying.” “You love me.”

91. Wanna go to hell together? 

92. I lack the vocabulary to describe you.

93. You make me feel… you make me feel.“ 

94. What the fuck…?

95. So that’s you, the girl/boy who destroyed armies. 

96. You’re my regret.

97. You better not die on me! 

98. Can you stop shouting at me?!

99. Why are you making this so damn hard? 

100. But that’s the problem, (name). I don’t think I’m able to stop loving him/her. Ever. 

! UPDATE !

101. There is no way you’re going anywhere with him, not on my watch.

102. “You know you’re in love with her right?” “Since when?” “Since always.” 

103. Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t do this.

104. I love you, I do, but you’re a real pain in the ass.

105. Is that my shirt?

106. Neither one of us is drunk enough for this conversation.

107. I think I might be falling in love with you.

108. What are you talking about? You’re married!

109. I saw that. You just checked me out.

110. Quick, pretend you’re talking to me.

111. I just wanted to hear your voice.

112. That was, by far, the stupidest thing you’ve ever done.

113. No. The moment you saw me as a bet was the moment you fucked up.

114. "It could be worse.” “You aren’t the one bleeding.” “Look, you’re still alive. Stop whining.”

115. Are you naked under that thing?

116. “Are you flirting with me?” “You finally noticed?”

117. What the hell were you thinking?! 

18. You’ve been drinking tonight, haven’t you?

119. Well, if I told you, then it wouldn’t be a secret.

120. Is it weird that was a total turn on?

121. That was the worst joke I’ve ever heard.

122. If I kiss you right now, I won’t be able to stop.

123. What did you just say?

[https-chaos]

I just got into a huge fight with my mom because she's pushing the hell out of me to bring her to pride and there are so many reasons I will not be doing that but it really boils down to 4 things:

1. Pride isn't safe this year. It's an anti-cop protest at its core, and it's in a big city in a year where there's a lot of hate and violence against the queer community. Not only do I not want my family to be unsafe in the case of violence from extremists or police, but I don't think people who don't believe in ACAB should go to an anti-police protest. She has a few local cop friends and genuinely believes all police want is to help people because those 3 small town cops in their 50s don't seem THAT racist or homophobic.

2. She makes a lot of lowkey homophobic comments along the lines of "I don't hate gay people at all, I just don't want to see them kiss. But I don't want to see straight people kiss either!" But she only brings it up when she sees a gay couple kiss. Never when there's a 3 minute straight sex scene in a movie, only when there's a 30 second gay kiss. She has also told me about a hundred times that she "could see me marrying a man one day" because she thinks if I find a feminine enough man I'll stop being a lesbian. Specifically I believe her ideal situation for me would be a lavender marriage with a gay man. You know, like it's the 60s? She also has an incredibly childish outlook on life and often quotes Horton hears a who and says "a person is a person" but her actions don't back up that innocent facade at all.

3. I don't think she would be able to keep her mouth shut about the kink, leather, men in thongs, people kissing and groping, people on leashes, people in fur suits, etc. When I brought this up she literally said it was just like Mardi Gras; she doesn't approve of people taking their shirts off and she thinks anyone who does anything she considers 'weird' is asking to be gawked at. She said if she saw a man in a thong she would go 😧, like she made that exact face. When I told her she can't do that because if a man wears a thong to pride he's looking for attention from other gay men, not shock from 55 year old straight women, she said I was too naive to understand. I told her that not only can she not make a face, a side eye, or a comment to anything she sees at pride, but that she also couldn't talk about it on the way home, at home, or ever. If you go to pride you know what you're gonna see and I don't wanna hear her disgust.

4. Even if she could keep her mouth shut about the kink, and she for some reason wanted to go somewhere that would make her uncomfortable on purpose, I don't understand why she would want to go with me when I was very clear that I will be talking to women, going to a lesbian bar after, and might even (gasp) kiss someone I don't know. I told her she wouldn't have taken my grandma to a bar while she looked for a boyfriend, because having your mother with you is kind of a deterrent to talking to people your own age. By my age she was married with a kid. I have no local friends, at all, and I would like to change that at pride. Going to the parade, standing silently to watch with my mom, not acting proud at all for fear of being shamed by her, and then immediately going home isn't going to help me make queer friends.

I guess I don't really have a specific point to all of this, I'm just so confused about why she is so desperate for me to never be in a situation where I might make a friend or even meet someone I could love. I live in her house. She sees how desperately lonely I am. She sees how badly I want to have a friend, or a girlfriend, or literally anyone except her and my sister and my dad. I don't understand why she takes every opportunity to preach her weird childish nonsense. Everyone should just hold hands and love each other, love is love, a person's a person, but please don't talk about politics or anything scary or negative because she can't take it. I don't understand her aversion to pda and I don't understand why she feels the need to pester me about it. I don't understand what she doesn't understand about the fact that I grew up terrified to tell her anything, to the point where she thinks I had an incredibly happy childhood. I can't afford to leave this house, and how does she not realize that if she had given me the support I needed in school and allowed me to be medicated maybe I could have gone to college and made something of myself? How does she think none of this is her fault? I'm going to be 27 in a couple days and between her and the man that beat my confidence into the ground for the last five years, I'm almost too traumatized to even leave the house. I don't know what to tell her that'll get it into her head that her barely adequate tolerance of my lesbianism doesn't automatically mean I want her at pride.

[justarandompersonxd]

All of the asks if you feel like it! If not lemme know :)

(Ps I'm still working on your ask/answers sfgjldgrg)

hi love ^^, take your time hehe

weird asks that say a lot

in

1. coffee mugs, teacups, wine glasses, water bottles, or soda cans? water bottles

2. chocolate bars or lollipops? chocolate bars all the way

3. bubblegum or cotton candy? bubblegum

4. how did your elementary school teachers describe you? not cause it wasn't me lmao

5. do you prefer to drink soda from soda cans, soda bottles, plastic cups or glass cups? i prefer not to drink soda at all. glass cups if i had to

6. pastel, boho, tomboy, preppy, goth, grunge, formal or sportswear? tomboy

7. earbuds or headphones? headphonessss

8. movies or tv shows? tv shows!

9. favorite smell in the summer? flowerssssss

10. game you were best at in p.e.? sucked at all of em pfff

11. what you have for breakfast on an average day? bread with peanut butter

12. name of your favorite playlist? mix 1

13. lanyard or key ring? lanyard ^^

14. favorite non-chocolate candy? old dutch candy: boterwafels

15. favorite book you read as a school assignment? don't really like bok school assignments

16. most comfortable position to sit in? sideways or backwards

17. most frequently worn pair of shoes? work boots

18. ideal weather? 16 degrees celcius, no breazy, cloudy skies

19. sleeping position? whatever th brain wants that day

20. preferred place to write (i.e., in a note book, on your laptop, sketchpad, post-it notes, etc.)? note book

21. obsession from childhood? what is childhppd (joking). marvel and viva pinata

22. role model? lmao none

23. strange habits? i eat weird and i drink weird. don't really know how to describe it pfff

24. favorite crystal? bismuth

25. first song you remember hearing? no clue sorry

26. favorite activity to do in warm weather? swimminggggg

27. favorite activity to do in cold weather? sleeping probably

28. five songs to describe you? wolfpack (blind channel) hallelujah i'm not dead (citizen soldier) brittle (icon for hire) sunflower (icon for hire) in need of medicine (smash into pieces

29. best way to bond with you? ask me about my hyperfixations :D

30. places that you find sacred? my room

31. what outfit do you wear to kick ass and take names? none, i don't like confrontations

32. top five favorite vines? free shavacadoo, work road ahead and tomas sanders story time series

33. most used phrase in your phone? idk man, im on kaptop

34. advertisements you have stuck in your head? none at the moment

35. average time you fall asleep? 2 am

36. what is the first meme you remember ever seeing? fnaf memes

37. suitcase or duffel bag? duffel bag

38. lemonade or tea? tea

39. lemon cake or lemon meringue pie? had neither so-

40. weirdest thing to ever happen at your school? people really loved throwing chairs

41. last person you texted? my qpp ^^ @stephlastname

42. jacket pockets or pants pockets? pants pockets

43. hoodie, leather jacket, cardigan, jean jacket or bomber jacket? hoodie

44. favorite scent for soap? lemon

45. which genre: sci-fi, fantasy or superhero? superhero

46. most comfortable outfit to sleep in? n o t h i n g, just underwear

47. favorite type of cheese? all of them

48. if you were a fruit, what kind would you be? orange or banana

49. what saying or quote do you live by? try to be kind

50. what made you laugh the hardest you ever have? mostly stories my friend tells

51. current stresses? too much-

52. favorite font? wingdingssss

53. what is the current state of your hands? pretty a okay

54. what did you learn from your first job? s p i e g e l e n

55. favorite fairy tale? one out of a fabke book my gramma got me. it was about a fox and a heron finding about each other's struggles.

56. favorite tradition? eh. don't really have 1

57. the three biggest struggles you’ve overcome? accepting myself breaking free from my family choosing myself

58. four talents you’re proud of having? being able to calm people down drawingg writinggg and talking skills

59. if you were a video game character, what would your catchphrase be? dont actually know

60. if you were a character in an anime, what kind of anime would you want it to be? cooking anime

61. favorite line you heard from a book/movie/tv show/etc.? we're all different people troughout our lives

62. seven characters you relate to? tenth doctor 11th doctor felicity smoak

63. five songs that would play in your club? icon for hire and smahs into pieces

64. favorite website from your childhood? google+

65. any permanent scars? 1 on my left shoulder (innerworld). a couple on my legs. a couple on my left arm and shoulder. and a bunch on my head

66. favorite flower(s)? sunflowers ^^

67. good luck charms? phoenix keychain

68. worst flavor of any food or drink you’ve ever tried? sour

69. a fun fact that you don’t know how you learned? i know about 8 ways to dispose of a body

70. left or right handed? right handed

71. least favorite pattern? dots my beloathed

72. worst subject? maths

73. favorite weird flavor combo? sweet and savoury

74. at what pain level out of ten (1 through 10) do you have to be at before you take an advil or ibuprofen? 5

75. when did you lose your first tooth? sammich

76. what’s your favorite potato food (i.e. tater tots, baked potatoes, fries, chips, etc.)? poffed potato

77. best plant to grow on a windowsill? vinessss

78. coffee from a gas station or sushi from a grocery store? grocery store sushi

79. which looks better, your school id photo or your driver’s license photo? neither

80. earth tones or jewel tones? jewel tones

81. fireflies or lightning bugs? fireflies :0

82. pc or console? console

83. writing or drawing? writing

84. podcasts or talk radio? podcasts

84. barbie or polly pocket? neither

85. fairy tales or mythology? mythology

86. cookies or cupcakes? cookies

87. your greatest fear? becoming like my parents

88. your greatest wish? getting to run around the wild like my kintypes

89. who would you put before everyone else? my qpp 100 percent

90. luckiest mistake? dont actually know

91. boxes or bags? bags

92. lamps, overhead lights, sunlight or fairy lights? fairy lights

93. nicknames? so many

94. favorite season? winter

95. favorite app on your phone? simplyplural

96. desktop background? a screencap from no man's sky

97. how many phone numbers do you have memorized? my own and my mom's

98. favorite historical era? ancient greece

[onmymasa22]

Heres my thoughts right now.

Today you will not carry negetivity or anger. Believing in hashem means you know that everyone gets what is coming to them and everything is going according to the plan. You dont need to understand the plan or agree with humans. Everything that needs to happen will happen. I will breathe through today.

I want a year of knowing someone before marrying him. Like the whole process to take a year. I want us to see eachother when we're sick or angry or have a fight. I want something healthy with tough convos and upfront in your face past the honeymoon phase. I just know that once im married, we're a team- no my money verses ur money, its all together, my debts r ours, my bonuses r ours, i want to be enmeshed. Not clingy, just inlove. I see us spending time apart, but it should be that wed always rather be together.

Plaka neighborhood

Trading 50 jews for 150 Palestinians doesnt make sense to me. That means that i as a woman am worth 3 terrorists.

I love people because i love.

אני מעדיף לדבר איתך ב-4:44 בבוקר, אם צריך

מאשר לדבר בהלוויה שלך.

אין דבר יותר גרוע מלאבד חבר או חברה

שחשבו שאין להם עם מי לדבר.

הטלפון שלי דולק,

הדלת פתוחה

וכוס קפה אפשר למזוג בכל שעה

או להקשיב לך בטלפון.

בואו נתמוך אחד בשני.

תפרסמו את ההודעה הזו

כדי להראות שאתם תמיד שם כשמישהו צריך (ואתם יכולים).

תהיו כאן עבור מי שצריך.

כוחנו באחדותנו

I would rather speak to you at 4:44 in the morning, if you need, than to speak at your funeral.

Theres nothing worse than to lose a friend who thought that they had no one to speak to.

My phone is on,

The door is open,

And a cup of coffee can be poured at any hour

Or to listen to you on the phone.

Lets trust each other

Share this message to show that you will always be there if someone needs (and you are able).

Be there for those who need.

Our power is in our unity

Here's my turn to talk, and id appreciate your hearing what i have to say. Theres a few things you should know:

They offered to take care of zc during the week for those few weeks and you said no because she doesnt do so well after arie crown. Daddy finished learning halfway through all of shas and there was a big siyum for all of chicago on the 9th but mommy didnt want him to go because she thought maybe the Palestinians would show up there, so they made up that hed celebrate the finishing of half shas on sunday with rabbi hamoui (they didnt celebrate with everyone on thursday because one of the regulars was out of town Thursday). The library was an emergency to do that sunday because the Venezuelan guy who finished the deck was also able to take down the library, and it will cost mommy and daddy 1000 dollars versus quotes of costing 8000 by other people. this guy can only do it when its not raining or snowing, so he needed to start knocking it down on while the weather was still good because he cant be on the roof or really do any of it in the rain, and if it would be postponed, the guy would disappear, go to someone else, or the weather would get too bad. So we didnt love being rushed, but sunday was an emergency of getting all the library stuff into the den. No one told you not to come, i think they just told you that that's what was going on. Daddy going to see pa was an emergency just like wjen you were in a car accident was an emergency that daddy left work for when he knew. I dont think anyone knew that this was an emergency. I think everyone thought that when u didnt respond, that meant u were ok, and if it was an emergency, u would have said something in response. If anyone knew it was an emergency, mommy wouldve left work to look after zc. I dont think she knew that it was a- go right now to look after zc- situation. If she did, she wouldve done that in a second. From what i understand, the only times you wanted to bring zc over so you could study were those two sundays. The first sunday she came and i took her to the park, we wanted to have pizza for dinner to celebrate daddys half of shas as a family, but in the end he really didnt feel good, and i didnt either, so we didnt do it. I think we watched zc for as long as we could cuz she didnt want to do anything- she didnt want to take a nap, didnt wanna go on the swings, didnt want to eat. So she went on the slide a few times and then we watched elmo. I can really understand how sucky it is to see someones huge family and know that we dont have that. I think its totally normal to lose trust or alter ur relationship with someone who tried to hurt u. I dont know how fair it is when no one meant to hurt you. I think that they were unaware of how much of an emergency sunday was for you to be able to study, and u were unaware of how important the siyum for daddy finishing half of shas and getting the library cleared was. You didnt have all the facts, and they didnt have all the facts for mommy to know to leave immediately. Its a huge misunderstanding. I hope that knowing this will take a little bit of the hurt and disappointment away. Thats my only goal here, i really dont want u feel pain. I get that having a newborn and a toddler and having a job and taking the test is really a lot. I just want to help this from being another thing added to the list. But in the end, you get to choose what relationships u want with everyone, and what relationships ur kids have with everyone.

I feel like people think im super zionistic

Ok i just talked to a guy on the phone. My voice wasnt shaking. Definitely progress.

Me: im not really zionistic. I just didnt grow up with israeli flags or knowing any Hebrew. Its just not something that ever made me feel anything, and i cant make myself feel something i dont.

Hashem how am i ok. How i am i ok when theres a war. How am i ok when most of my things were thrown out. Yes i fell apart. Yes its hard when you know you wont find the blankets you bought. I wont have the pillows or coats.

I happen to just be obsessed with Jews. I think we are smarter, funnier, more irritating, more caring than any other nation. Israel just has a huge population

U can ask my parents how surprised they were when i said i wanted to move there immediately. It was a total shock because i was signed up to get a four year degree in art. But after learning about israel

In my personal opinion:

Israel is like a furnished apartment. Like the apartments that you see on yad2 where the ad says, "just bring your suitcase, it's totally ready. All that's missing is you". Israel is a country built with the ease of a Jew in mind. You get to act as Jewish as you want- leave early on holidays, take off a bit for your kids bris, the food in the supermarket is kosher, when you walk into a building, you're not the only Jew. I didn't grow up with any of that, and I don't really call myself zionistic. I can't help it, I didn't grow up with flags or knowing the words to hatikva. All I knew was riding camels and that you could ski and swim on the same day. Some Jews live in Israel. Some are stuck outside due to the war. Some go to Israel on trips, and some never go. It's ok to be in Israel, and it's ok to not. Either way you are doing your best. It's special to just know that it's there, like an apartment ready for you to just show up should you be there. I dont know if ill live anywhere else. Maybe I'll live in Cancun, or Paris, or Miami- I have no idea, I'm just here for the ride. But israel is special. There's a completeness in being israel.

its just missing you. To me, thats something that makes israel very special

. But i love israel because i love that israel has lots of jews, and that its the center of us, and that it feels like its always sitting there waiting for us. Whether we are living there, stuck outside because of the war, come on visits, or don't go ever: its always ready for you, whenever and ifever you decide to be there. Like a furnashed apartment. Israel is there, and will always be there. All thats missing is you, and thats the completeness feeling i get when I'm there. Maybe you do too.

When someone does something evil like the school does to me, either you have special needs and youre not aware that what youre doing isnt ok, or it will take you a few more lifetimes to fix what you did. In the end, its not about me, i dont judge you.

Yosef and Yehuda had an ongoing argument about which tribe will produce future kings. Yehuda said it will come from him Yosef said it should come from him because number one, he's a perfect tzaddik, and number two, he knows how to deal with the other nations from his time in Egypt. Spoiler alert, Yehuda wins. Why, you ask? Yosef passed all his tests. Because of this, he would have no mercy or empathy for someone who had a hard life or who made a mistake. He would have been: "You think you had it hard? I had it way worse!" and, "I came out on top, what's your excuse?!" Yehuda made a mistake with Tamar and did teshuva. That's the leader of a nation. We need someone who understands our mistakes and can guide us thrugh it all. Why did Hashem make Moshe the leader of the Jews? The medrash says that when he was a shepherd and one of the sheep strayed, he carried the sheep back to the flock on his shoulders. That's very nice but he was definitely not the only sheppard who cared about sheep. Lots of sheperds care, it's part of the day job. But the medrash continues on that on the way back, Moshe told the sheep, "I must not have given you enough time to drink before, because had I given you enough time, you wouldn't have had to go off alone". Not only does Moshe care, but he takes on the sheeps mistake as his own. That's a leader. That's who is the leader of people. Not someone who's perfect. Someone who knows how to make a mistake and come back from it. That's who will help others come back from their mistakes.

Yosef and Yehuda had an ongoing argument about which tribe will produce the future kings. Yehuda said that it will come from him. Yosef said that it will come from him because number one, he was a perfect tzaddik. And number two, he knows how to deal with the other nations of the world from his time in Egypt. SPOILER ALERT, Yehuda wins this argument.

Here's why. Yosef passed all his tests, came out, YOU ASK? YOSEF PASSED ALL HIS TESTS. BECAUSE OF THIS, HE WOULD HAVE NO MERCY OR EMPATHY FOR SOMEONE WHO HAD A HARD LIFE OR WHO MADE A MISTAKE. HE WOULD HAVE BEEN: "YOU THINK YOU HAD IT HARD? I HAD IT WAY WORSE!" AND, "I CAME OUT ON TOP, WHAT'S YOUR EXCUSE?!" YEHUDA MADE A MISTAKE WITH TAMAR AND DID TESHUVA. THAT'S THE LEADER OF A NATION. WE NEED SOMEONE WHO UNDERSTANDS OUR MISTAKES AND CAN GUIDE US THRUGH IT ALL. WHY DID HASHEM MAKE MOSHE THE LEADER OF THE JEWS? THE MEDRASH SAYS THAT WHEN HE WAS A SHEPHERD AND ONE OF THE SHEEP STRAYED, HE CARRIED THE SHEEP BACK TO THE FLOCK ON HIS SHOULDERS. THAT'S VERY NICE BUT HE WAS DEFINITELY NOT THE ONLY SHEPPARD WHO CARED ABOUT SHEEP. LOTS OF SHEPERDS CARE, IT'S PART OF THE DAY JOB. BUT THE MEDRASH CONTINUES ON THAT ON THE WAY BACK, MOSHE TOLD THE SHEEP, "I MUST NOT HAVE GIVEN YOU ENOUGH TIME TO DRINK BEFORE, BECAUSE HAD I GIVEN YOU ENOUGH TIME, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO GO OFF ALONE". NOT ONLY DOES MOSHE CARE, BUT HE TAKES ON THE SHEEPS MISTAKE AS HIS OWN. THAT'S A LEADER. THAT'S WHO IS THE LEADER OF PEOPLE. NOT SOMEONE WHO'S PERFECT. SOMEONE WHO KNOWS HOW TO MAKE A MISTAKE AND COME BACK FROM IT. THAT'S WHO WILL HELP OTHERS COME BACK FROM THEIR MISTAKES.

-Rabbi Wallerstein

School starts in a week and i want to be an artist. Ill show up to school as soon as i can. They can fail me if they want to. But i need to do kibbud av vaem. At 120.5 when i die, i wont be asked if i graduated college. It doesn't actually matter. But i want to know that i did kibbud av vaem. Its always a dance between living the life i want to live and making my parents happy.

Hashem i dont want to be angry. I want this to be my last gilgul. I am so close to you. This past shabbat i started shabbat later than i was supposed to, but i kept it till the end. I hope next week it gets better. I just need to try and be a good person. Be more loving. Be more learned. Be more devoted. Be more caring and gentle and doing the right thing. Just be nice. Be free. And nice. And pretty. And loving.

Don't treat people as bad as they are, treat them as good as you are

There is truth, there is the truth of the truth, and there is peace. The truth is "the boy stole an apple". The truth of the truth is "the boy was hungry". Peace is "nobody stole anything, now give the boy an apple" rabbi nachman

I have a question: if the mizbeach

What happened to the mishkan?

If moshe wouldve built the bais hamikdash and it wouldnt have been destroyed, we wouldnt have gone into galus- why did dovid ever build a bais hamikdash- why wasnt the mishkan good enough

I want to go to tzfat more

I want to go to bat ayin more

I want to connect to all of it

I want to be spiritual and in love life and be happy

I want for everything to be roses. To be authentic to myself. I wish i was one thing. I wish i had one style. I wish i was one of those people who was always can i be pretty hippy and sometimes preppy

Does anyone else think... how did i make aliyah? Like how did i do that?

One part of my brain: how the heck did i make aliyah? I dont think id be able to do it again if i tried

The other part of my brain: well, you were a little smart, a little cute, a little naive, and 20 years old... its definitely easier to move to a foreign country with all that than being 40 and wrinkly.

Jeans with a skirt

2graphicbandtees 2skirtpants

Dresses

I wang to b an artist

I want to see through the program im in

Because im studying art, i want the degree, but if they want to fail me because of attendance and i can only show up 6 weeks from now, thats what ill do cuz when im there, im there alone.

Charlie Harari's speech "our repsonse to the Matzav in Eretz Yisrael"

We almost never hear that someone is a tzaddik in the torah. That's all in the commentary. And then the one place is says straight out "this man, hes a tzaddik" (noach), all the commentators are like "nahhh not really". What's up with that?! What are the commentators getting at that we should learn?

There were two occurances with men being in a teyva- noach and later on, moshe. Noach was told that the world is crazy, build a boat. He built a boat, brought his family in, closed the door, locked it, done.

Moshe was a gilgul (reincarnation) of noach. What happened when Hashem said to Moshe- "hey, I want to start from scratch again and start a nation from you, lets do it". What did Moshe say? "No no no, I'm not gonna be without my nation. And more than that, if you end up carrying that out, take my name out of Your book, I don't want it to be like I ever existed!". Moshe with his message put the whole jewish nation on his boat. He wasnt cool with only knowing his immediate family was ok. And when we realize and act like we are all in the same boat, that achdus is what saves us.

אנחנו כמעט ולא שומעים על זה שמישהו היה צדיק ותורה. זה לא בפשט, זה כתוב אצל המפרשים. והפעם היחיד שכן כתוב ככה ברור (אצל נח), כולם אומרים "לעעע, לא באמת". מה קורה כאן?! מה המפרשים רוצים שנבין? פעמיים כתוב לנו שמישהו היה ב-תבה. נח, ואז יותר מאוחר, משה. לנח ד' אמר כולם משוגעים, תבנה תיבה, תנצל ת'משפחה שלך. הוא בנה תיבה, הכניס את המשפחה הגרעין שלו, סגר ת'דלת, נעול, זהו, סיים. משה היה גילגול של נח. ומה קרה כש-השם אמר למשה אחרי חטא העגל, "יאללה בואו נעשה עם חדש ממך, רק אני אתה ומשפחה הגרין שלך, מה אתה אומר?"? מה משה הגילגול של נח שבא לתקן אמר? "לא לא לא, אני לא מאשר את זה, אני לא רוצה להיות בלי העם שלי! ויותר מזה, אם אתה (השם) עושה את זה, תמחוק ת'שם שלי מכל התורה שלך- אני לא רוצה שיהיה סימן אפילו שהייתי קיים". בזה שמשה אמר ככה, הוא הכניס את כלללל עם ישראל לתיבה שלו. הוא לא היה שביעה מזה שרק המשפחה דרגה ראשונה שלו בסדר. וכשאנחנו מבינים ונוהגים בדרך שכל עם ישראל בסירה אחת, בתיבה אחת, האחדות מביאה הצלחה בכל מעשה ידינו.

[dalishthunder]

Um uh *screams*

Ti's me again, smile anon. Took long bc lord has this week been relentless but you're still keeping us well fed w all the rama content and i am coming to scream about it as promised (so to anyone else reading this ask There Will Be Spoilers)

First of all I love the quotes you're leaving at the start of chapters, they really set the tone! The fic overall is v introspective and I'm deeply enjoying the discussions on morality. Both ramattra and reader gave it a lot of thought, and I like that he's getting a chance to discuss his ideals w somebody who'd listen and actually mull it over. Somebody's already mentioned this, but you include his voice lines seamlessly and get his speech patterns on point!

And holy shit that last line. "At what point did throwing a molotov cocktail become self defense?" That's the perfect way to end the chapter with how it's been going. And I love that there isn't an answer right now. Those children (and other innocent people) were put in danger as a direct result of the attack, even if unintentionally. But also reader and the child they were saving got put in danger by a stray bullet (again, not intentional) from overwatch who are supposed to be saving them. So what's the answer here? "I'm still not sure. But I do know there are some lines that I won’t cross, Ramattra." Gah I love the characterization of this reader so much. They play off each other well and I can't wait to see what conclusion they'd reach (both of them). Went over both snippets and I will whoop and cheer once the next chapter is release

Also I noticed how he asked how they view him again 👀 and yes he's using it as a shooting off point to get his idea across but methinks he deeply cares about the answer. And it hurts that his 'friend' status is on shaky grounds rn but they still care for each other and that's what matters

Overall, I adore how you characterize him. On the surface he appears cold and distant, because he's had no choice but to be, but then when given the chance he's so thoughtful and he cares. He cares deeply about the people in his circle and about his cause, about other omnics that he's resigned himself to suffering forever if it means getting there.

I am aro-spec and rarely find myself catching feelings but you have me officially down on my knees I just wanna hold him and kiss him and give him a damn break for once, he deserves all the TLC in the world </3

Ahem hope i didn't embarrass myself too much ily thanks for the 👌💯💥 good content

Smile anon I need you to know that I've read this like 50 times and it fills me with such joy each time!

I think Ramattra just... has a lot of grief that he can't really process because he's never been given the proper space to which just exacerbates his anger. And while these things are absolutely something he is not just valid, but *justified* in experiencing, they are leading him to make questionable decisions that seem to conflict with his own moral code, so like... more of that to come

And yes! I love writing something that's serious, and not in a horror way, for once. It's a nice change of pace to discuss morality and just how subjective it can be, and much like my first fic from my years long hiatus, I think it's going to become much more of a long-form fic than something short and sweet because both of these characters have so much to say

Also! He very much uses "Tell me, what do you see when you look at me?" as a way to challenge any assumptions reader may have made about him, but it's also 100% a way to gauge how they feel about him because he really does care.

And I'm having so much fun writing this, and I'm so glad people are enjoying it so much!!!!

These aren't embarrasing I love your asks so much 🥺🥺🥺🥺

[everythingoiezoie]

Does anyone else have a cringe limit when reading Fanfiction?

This will 100% offend someone. However, it's true I have a limit to how much cringe i can take before I give up on a fic. Honestly, I think everyone has a limit. Most people are just too scared or polite to say anything. Unfortunately, i'm neither.

My limit : Too many out of place Pop-culture References

What is too many? Have you ever farted in a quiet crowded room? When a reference feels like that, that's when you know you should reconsider it. When it happens more times than you can count, it's time to run.

References are best used to develop character relationships and personalities. It's cute when the jock quotes jane austen, or the cheerleader quotes anime. It's cute when the quiet ones passionately speak about baseball from the 50s, or the nerdy ones talk passionately about startrek to the one popular girl that wants to listen.

References can lead to really cool character developments. I've read a fic where them making too many references was a symptom of them having poor social skills. Making references is them trying to fish for topics to talk about.

Why does it bother me so much? No one talks like that, plain and simple. Unless there's a reason for it, it gets too much too quickly. The only time it's reasonably okay is if there's a reason for it, or if it's between people with a developed relationship.

So, making LOTR references to each other becomes their thing. Everyone around them taking a moment to think or not getting it at all makes those conversations special. I personally make so many references to close friends and aquantances, but hell i know when those references have a chance to hit or miss. I won't be quoting movies from the 60s to my college friends who aren't movie nerds. I won't be quoting memes to anyone older or has no way of knowing those memes.

You'll know when a pop-culture reference is out of place. You just know. Too many of them feels deliberate, and when it's not then it's just bad writing.

[chequerootlurks]

A Personal Post

_____

Today I feel bit glum because a friend of mine explicitly said “no gifts.” This friend, like prolly 50% or more of my pals, has a birthday within the Dec - Feb span. I always try to separate birthday and holiday gifts, so that each event feels like its own unique celebration: “holiday gift”… and “FRIENDSHIP gift!”

They were adamant in “no gifts.”

Out of respect for them, I will not give them any b-day gifts. It’s too late for the Christmas gifts. Those already were boxed up and sent on their way.

Here is where I feel a bit bad.

I like gift-giving, and had fun picking stuff out for them over the course of the year. Giving is one of my love languages. I don’t do it out of obligation; I’m not that nice (lol!)

One of the things I was working on for their b-day was going to be a necklace with malachite (their fave rock).

Other stuff was some frou-frou manly scented skin care products because they have dry skin, and, quote, “an expensive skin care routine.”

Although it is not personal, and not directed towards only me — they don’t like gifts from anybody — it does -feel- like a rejection of my friendship.

Key word here is “feel.”

Just because it -feels like- a thing doesn’t mean -it IS- a thing.

I think that’s an important distinction; that feelings don’t inherently equal situational truth.

My opinion is that friendship, and all healthy relationships, acknowledge consent. If my friend doesn’t want gifts, I’m forcing my own agenda on them.

Sure, I could lie to myself, say “they’ll like it once they get it!” but that’s not necessarily true… and that’s a toxic assumption of me to make.

(Also!, it’s not my job to “play therapist” and try to “fix” my friend. There’s a bajillion reasons someone might not like gifts. That’s their right!)

Thus, I shall not give them a b-day gift; nor will I do holiday gifting to them going forward.

In the meantime, I shall make myself a malachite necklace, and I have some swanky skin care products in manly scents that I can use!

It’s less than ideal, but it’s not the end of the world.

Giving and receiving is supposed to be fun for BOTH parties.

It’s not fun if only one person is enjoying it.

Happy Holidays, Fam! May you all have a joyous season!

[thestarsarecool]

No offense but I think you're projecting things onto me based on other people's comments. I never said Paul was cold or that this was the reason for the break-up. Maybe I'm not articulating myself well. What I'm trying to explain is that the emotional closeness wasn't the only issue here. There was a lot going on between Paul and George. When you say Paul not letting George in was a lack of respect, that's what I'm talking about. Not emotionally but literally not trusting him enough to have the responsibility of a seat at the table. I just think it was one factor and that for George the rejection was as hurtful on a friendship level as it was as a band member. Music was an important part of bonding with his friends but with Paul it became a source of tension. Mix this in what their increasing lack of common ground as people and it makes the cracks worse.

You say there isn't evidence of Paul lacking an emotional connection compared to the others but do you have examples from the 60s showing the contrary? Paul and George's bond came from knowing each other the longest. I haven't seen any proof they found something new to deepen their relationship beyond that. By contrast John got into spirituality with George, took a bunch of acid with him, and worked closely with him on projects like Revolver.

Their relationship had problems too and I'm not saying Paul should've pretended to have these same interests when he didn't or that it was only on him to put the effort in. However, John doing these things meant he got to know George for who he was in that moment and you can tell this made a difference. George spoke at length about John understanding him on another level while he never mentioned spending meaningful time with Paul outside work.

Mainly what I'm getting at is that people are missing the real problem by treating the bad trip story as if it happened in a vacuum.

Yeah, there's nothing I really disagree with here so I'm a little confused. Yes, George was closer to John than he was to Paul in the late 60s. I didn't mean to suggest that George and Paul were just as close during this era; I only meant that he wasn't, like, not close to them at all because of his emotional invulnerability. Sorry if that was "projection," but it seemed relevant and my goal here is to write generally on the points you are bringing up, not to debate you point by point. I also agree that Paul was hurting George on a friend level by not respecting him musically.

I guess I was only viewing the bad trip story in terms of emotional closeness because that's how you put it initially and, additionally, I don't think it tells us anything about Paul not respecting George and treating him as lesser. I don't think Paul not taking George's hand really ties into that at all. But I guess you're saying that maybe George viewed it that way? Like, he saw Paul not taking his hand as a metaphor for Paul wanting to stay in control. I can see that.

But anyway, in your first ask, it seemed to me that you were saying "Paul must have hurt George by not being truly vulnerable with him" and that THAT encapsulated their relationship problems. That was how I read it and that was what I was disagreeing with because I think Paul's controlling and belittling attitudes toward George are separate from his problems with emotional intimacy. But, keep in mind, I'm viewing emotional intimacy here to mean "Paul opening up to George." That is what I think people generally are talking about regarding the bad trip story, and that's what I'm saying wasn't the main source of tension between them.

But regarding your "treating the bad trip story as if it happened in a vacuum" point, yeah, I think George is using that one story to describe a larger problem. I just don't give that much weight to the story itself since it's from someone else 50 years later. And since I haven't really seen other quotes that talk about Paul refusing emotional connection that George was offering, I don't think we should base our view of their relationship in the late 60s around it.

Side note, wow, I get why anon conversations are so weird on tumblr now. I've never really had anons before; I've only been the person sending them. And it's super strange because you are viewing this as a dialogue, as a conversation between two people. But you're just like, a robot to me, like a prompt generator. So I took greater liberties in diverging from your original point because my brain can't conceptualize this as a fluid dialogue. Very interesting.

[soft-boi-eli]

Hello Hello!

I just wanted to say I love your fics!

ALSO!

Could I request a CC!SBI X Gn! Insomniac Reader! Where the reader is an insomniac (Obviously-) but is somehow a pro at MC!

Like they are basically god at the game! They also REALLY enjoy horror games! They don’t get scared easily and LOVE horror movies! They basically love anything horror/creepy-

ANYWAYS!!

The reader lives off of ramen and Monster energy drinks (For fun-)! They have a Twitch (Which has about 18 mil followers and 14 mil subs!) and a YouTube channel (Which has 20 mil followers!)

They mainly play horror games (Obviously-) and MC!

You can do headcanons or scenarios/images with the SBI! Maybe like playing a horror game together or MC? OR! Maybe some things they do together? Or when they meet up? Or-to many ideas Nightmare-

ANYWAYS!

I don’t really care! And don’t worry about taking too long on it!

ALSO!

Maybe we could be friends? Only if you want too!

Remember to eat, drink, and get enough sleep!

<3

Yes. I lovesthese ideas and I'm gonna choose headcannons due to they are a bit easierfor me to write.

And yes I'm perfectly fine with being your friend! I'm actually happy to make friends on this app so yeah!

Pronouns:nonbinary

Tw: cussing. Insomia, mentions of horror movies. Mention of horror games. Fluff.

SBI with a horror streamer friend head cannons.

*Ahem* tommy wanted to paly a game with you so you choose a game that didn't look like horror until the middle. He screamed at the jump scare and it made both of your chats so happy.

When phil decides to play with you there is literally a silence after a jump scare. Everyone thought he had a heart attack and honestly so did you until he spoke up about accidently hitting his mute button when he jumped.

Wilbur. He's a bit better then tommy but more scared then phil would be. Any little noise won't get him but when it starts to get noticeable the noiseless to him. The jump scare, he'd fall out of his seat and stay on the ground for a bit. You ask if he's good and he literally doesn't answer. He's dead. You killed him. Congrats.

Techno. He'd handle them a bit better then everyone else. Not as good as you but heisnt very paranoid. He literally runs at the noises trying to get jumpscared. While you run after him telling him to stop because if he doesn't then you'd lose and die. And technoblade never dies.

If you all play together both tommy and wilbur pussy out. Techno last the longest and phil the second longest. While you remain the ruler of horror games.

Now how you all met was dream invited you to the dream smp to add to the chaos. Needless to say it got extremely chaotic due to you being on almost 24 hours. You first ran into techno. He seemed confused and skeptical.

You both found eachothers love for potatoes. You set up camp quote close to techno but not too close.

Phil popped in when he needed something for a build and noticed a new name. Talked to you in chat and asked to join your VC. You both found each other talking for a bit.

Wilbur was next. Wilbur got curious over the new person and just hoppedinto the same VC as you techno and phil. He was quick to realize that you were a famous youtuber. Mainly for your horror videos and your extreme Parkcore skills.

In minecraft that is.

Tommy noticing that all of you were in the same VC joined in with shouting. He was low key jealous that everyone was obsessed with you. Then he saw why.

You literally cracked jokes at his shouting.

"Is that an angry pomeranian? Nah nah. It's an angry child. Even better an angry blonde!" - you.

He was shocked and immediately started joking and laughing with you. He wasn't fully angry for long.

Now about your diet. When they heard that you had only eaten ramen and drank angry drinks they were concerned. You lived quite close to techno so when you guys met up he was shocked that you looked as healthy as you did.

He hated the fact that you literally didn't eat anything else.

You told him occasionally you have something other then ramen but you were just too lazy to really cook anything and that you didn't feel like burning the house down.

One month phil, tommy, wilbur, and techno decided to organize a month long sleep over so that they could celebrate your birthday. Phil being quote the father figure cooked different, but easy dinners every night just so you didn't eat only ramen that day.

When they actually arrived though you got a text from Phil asking about your address in your dms. Not think much of it you just sent him your location.

You were going to take a small nap. Just to bost your energy before you went and streamed later that night.

As you were sleeping there was a car heading to your house.

Phil, wilbur, tommy, and techno were all just existing in the car. And when they arrived to your house they didn't expect to actually see a clean house.

You woke to a loud knock.

When you opened the door in your half dazed state you expected a package. But to see four people standing on your porch.

You nearly jumped out of your skin.

You were stuck there blinking at them.

Finally snapping out of it you let them in. Confused on why in the ever loving fuck they were here.

Phil explained they were here to celebrate your 21st birthday and they were here for a month.

You stared at them for a while. Confused on what to do since you haven't had people over in almost 2 years.

But you got use to it.

So when you got done streaming and smelled something other then ramen you were thrown off guard. Like what was that. I haven't smelled that in years.

But after the second day you got use to it too.

For your birthday phil literally made a feast.

Like he found your favorite food other then ramen and cooked it. With that he prepared everything you could dream of.

Your sleeping habits. Let's dig into those.

I'm in no place to talk as right now it's 3:05 in the morning. And here I am.

But when they are over they don't let you stay up till no 3-4 in the morning. They all know the importance of sleep.

But there are those nights where no once can sleep and it results in a late night stream. And streaming for hours none the less.

The amount of accidental all nighters everyone has pulled was immense. But that's what happens with jet lag, adhd, and insomnia.

Literally you get tired randomly. Sleep for only 3 hours. Wake up. Drink coffee, energy drinks, highly caffeinated tea. And don't sleep till late at night.

Pillow forts.

It's a must and it happens. Horror movies, pillow forts, and snacks. Like you all are in this massive fort, watching horror movies, one by one you all are falling asleep. You and techno were the last up due to technos active mind and your body not letting you sleep.

You two literally just vide there, changing the movies from horror to some silly animated movies, like how to train your dragon, frozen, Luca, and many others.

You two pull an all nighter and it's actually a bet to see how long anyone else takes to notice.

You bet an hour. Techno says all day.

You won. Philza notices the worse eye bags under both you and technos eyes and immediately starts scolding.

He is papa bird and he won't let anyone of his children neglect their needs.

"Did you even drink water at all? You guys should of been sleeping not binge watching horror movies all night!" -philza

You could only offer a smirk, along with a laugh.

"I think we did I just can't fully remember. Also we were watching animated films. Not horror. Surprised you didn't wake up to let it go." - you.

You turn to techno.

"You owe me 15 bucks pig boy!"-you again.

Handing you the money he rolls his eyes. "Yeha yeah. Rub it in." -techno.

Ah yeah they found a horror game that you were scared of surprisingly. It was actually surprisingly you hadn't played it yet.

Outlast.

You had been holding off that game until you finished your other one but here you were. Bored out of your mind.

So you decided fuck it.

That game teriffed the shit out of you. It was so good though.

When you screamed they all came rushing up due to the fact that you never scream.

They say you out of your chair, on the floor, blinking. They thought you were hurt.

But you sat up and looked at your computer.

"Damn. That was actually really good." When you looked behind you and found the boys all staring you smiled and waved.

"You need something?"-you

"You screamed. We heard a thud. We thought you fuckin died!" -tommy.

"No I'm alive. My soul almost divorced my body but it's still quite here."-you

That day made highlights.

The popular y/n actually got jump scared. The one person who never screamed at horror games screamed.

When they left you were sad yes but they were still your best friends. Ready to talk when ever you want.

Sometimes I think that you guys talk all through out the night. Them forgetting that you were actually in a different time zone.

Sometimes they pop into your streams, be it MC, horror, you just talking to your fans, or even the once in the blue moon, cheerful games.

They just pop in and start talking to you. And you talk back like they were there since the beginning.

Phil is now one of your moderators too. Along with tommy, wilbur, and techno. When they pop in they make sure no one picks on you.

And since you are now close to the SBI. You are now part of it.

You didn't choose the fans did. But they are your new family. No matter what.

Even if they disagree with your eating habit.

Or energy drink addiction.

Or insomnia.

Or you mainly playing horror games.

Or you basically living in your streaming room.

Or even the nearly 24 hour streams.

I could go on but I'm not gonna.

I'm tired. But I can sleep. 2 days and I get to have a tour of my new school.

And it took so long to finally get into it.

We have been going through a huge hassle even before school started to get me enrolled.

And then we had to get me into this program.

But now on Monday I get to go in. Get a tour. Then start either Tuesday or Wednesday.

Anyway hope you liked. It's now 3:50 and it's no proof read I'm sorry