#like 1.5 seconds where im like Hello?

[mellotronmkll]

The reanimator fanart where the style makes it so that they literally by pure coincidence look uncannily exactly like the guys from they might be giants is genuinely so awesome and cute but it keeps scaring the shit out of me whenever i see it

[downbadmostofthetime]

can I be honest for a second

I actually kind of hate the treatment argenti got when he came out

sure. he’s a playable 5 star, got his own companion mission, and as well as a boss fight.

but comparing that to other characters, he literally got almost the bare minimum.

sure not every character has a companion mission, but those characters will usually be apart of other character’s companion missions or even in events centred around them (take sushang and guinaifen for example).

and while argenti is one of the few playable characters to have a boss fight, the others still have more than him

gepard may not have his own companion mission, but he was a main character in serval’s and even received visitor verification after you complete it, as well as the fact that he actually stands somewhere in belobog so you can talk to him whenever you please. plus he was also in the main story quest, just not as a prominent character. and as well that he’s a boss and is fightable in world 3

yanqing on the other hand does have his own companion mission, has visitor verification, is a fightable boss in world 8, had a very brief appearance in the main story quest (if I remember correctly) but was also complacent in two other companion missions (kafka and jingliu’s), and is available to talk to whenever you please.

kafka has her own companion mission, while she doesn’t have visitors verification. she’s one of the main antagonists in the game and is quite important to the lore (it’s unfair to compare her to argenti but you get the idea, so I won’t elaborate on the other things she has)

while argenti has:

-no visitor verification

-no appearance in any main story quest

-isn’t available to talk to whenever you please

-isn’t in any events so far

you can argue that “dr ratio and ruan mei are new characters and they aren’t bosses, available to talk to whenever, etc” but they do have main story quests (one for each actually), ruan mei has technically her own event (it’s based off of her own creations but they’re HERS and plus she has her own cat design so) and they both also have visitor verification.

maybe im just overreacting or just too impatient considering that argenti only came out in the second half of 1.5!!! and plus he’s gotten loads of attention outside of the game with hoyoverse buying the naming rights to a specific kind of rose species and naming it after him and holding a whole exhibition!!!! you know!!!!

but it kind of does suck with how his companion mission was so good, but the ending just felt very incomplete for me? like it feels like they didn’t know how to just properly end it so we got that (not that I’m complaining though I loved his quest). and as well as how he didn’t even receive visitor verification??? despite expressing his wishes to return???? they could just pull a seele, bronya and jing yuan with him but at least with those three they didn’t really have like an opportunity in the story for that to come around (if that makes sense) and thus them being added months later. but it’s different for argenti, considering how all three of them don’t even have a companion quest while argenti’s only main appearance is him having one.

argenti in my opinion is definitely one of the more underrated male characters and idk it just really sucks because I love him a lot and it kind of hurts to see how he isn’t getting as much attention as newer male characters like dr ratio for example.

yeah idk where I was going with this if anyone read this whole thing then hello I guess I hope you enjoyed that

[fyodior]

Hewwooo! The one and only cock💍 anon hath returned! Well I actually did send you a couple of asks lately but I'm assuming tumblr ate them all bc you never answered them heemheem (desktop tumblr sucks) so now I'm back on the mobile app to send you my asks again!!

So first of all CONGRATS ON 1.5 SIGMILLION FOLLOWERS!!! Your blog has grown so much and I'm so very proud of you :') you deserve each and every follower and more! Second of all NEW THEME IS VERY PRETTY AND ELEGANT AND WAOWIE I LOVE IT

Lastly I've had this dumb headcanon for a while and only recently got the motivation to actually write it down so prepare yourself!! Aight so on this blog we have established many times that dazai is a huge sucker for boobs (hehe) that he even has his own tag for it, but we know damn well that dazai wouldn't stop at just your boobs!! Mans needs to have his hands on you at all times no matter where you are or what you're doing so it's with this that I propose to you the one and only truth : becoming dazai's personal drumset. If your boobs are unavailable to him he will settle for the second best thing, dat ass. He will shamelessly put his hands on your butt and smack it like bongo drums. You two are cuddling? He smacks your ass like bongo drums. You're cooking? He smacks your ass like bongo drums. You're just existing anywhere near him? He smacks your ass like bongo drums. He's def gotten in trouble with kunikida bc he kept using your butt like his own drumset instead of working but do you think dazai cares??

Now imagine, dazai lying on his futon with you napping on top of him. He can't sleep and he's bored, so his hands slide down from your waist to your hips and he starts to lightly drum his fingers a bit on your butt to pass the time, then it gradually degenerates until he's using both of his hands to drum it out. Ass, thighs, hips, lower back, your entire body has turned into his own personal drumset. You're gonna wake up to him playing darude sandstorm on your butt or smth xkskdks he's def using his newly acquired musical instrument to remix his lil suicide song

I hope I have opened your eyes to the real raison d'être which is becoming dazai osamu bsd's personal drumset🤌🏻 and if tumblr deletes this ask again and makes me re-type it all over again I will ✨cry✨

- 💍

hello yea im so sorry i haven’t gotten anything from u 🥺🥺🥺

but this is beautiful ashajdajdjsj he def really appreciates ass and LOVES to grab it. sorry my brain is so broken rn i’ll try to add more on later but i didnt want u to think i didnt get this one either hehehhe ILY!!! and thank u for the congrats 🥹

[penncilkid]

hi hello im here cause i wanna ask questions i love asking questions SO:

1. i haven’t listened to your vampire audios yet (a crime that i’m working on resolving) so this may be answered in there BUT- how are they “turned”? (are they turned? again idk) and like how often do they have to feed/is there any consequences to not feeding? can your vamps die from not feeding?

2. similar strain of thought, how do werewolves work. like. i wanna know everything. like do pack dynamics differ? how does one become a werewolf (are they turned, is it a gene they’re born with, etc)? how does shifting look like in your universe? does one need to have a pack?

3. i do know that there is a magical government like thing but like how involved are they? do they interact with non magical government at all? do they make laws that only vivified have to follow?

4. speaking of vivified, how would they describe magic to someone who isn’t magical/is new to magic? this can be specific characters of you want, and your choice of such, or a general consensus that you’d think everyone tries to explain

that’s all actually but feel free to pick and choose what you want to answer!! it’s a lot of information to try to explain (probably) but :D yeah

Beating you up for these /j /pos (Thank you for the questions in advance)

1: Turning is something that is centered around vampiric blood and where it ends up rather than connected to bites necessarily. When vampire blood spills into a bleeding/open wound, it will forcibly shut down the human's body within a minute or so, give or take. However, if turning is desired, the injured individual has to ingest at least 1.5 oz of vampire blood. (Note: That's roughly the capacity of a shot glass) Once this takes place, consciousness is lost as the heart stops. The newly turned vampire will eventually wake up with fangs and a very weakened heartbeat.

How often a vampire needs to feed depends on how much blood they intake as well as how much additional magic they exert.

Yes, there are consequences from not feeding, and vampires are capable of dying as a result. There's a progression of symptoms the longer a vampire goes without blood. One of the more common ones is anything ingested besides blood (ex: regular food) will become unappetizing— Sometimes to the point of physical rejection from one's body. When a vampire is on the cusp of dying as a result of lack of blood, a phenomenon called Blanking occurs. It's a state of being where waking consciousness is lost, and a vampire is driven by their primal instincts. If a Blank vampire is unable to feed within 48 hours, death ensues. (I think about Blanking a normal amount /lying /pos)

2: Werewolves (and other animal shifters) are born that way! There is no turning process, and it is not a classification that can be gained later in life/after birth. Joining a pack is not a requirement for shifters, and many will forego it for one reason or another. Pack dynamics tend to vary from one pack to another. However, there are many packs that adopt a "traditional" mindset. Traditional packs will focus their energy and resources on fellow shifters alone, and they often have a rigid image on what the alpha should look and behave like.

There are actually two stages of shifting. You can think of them as a first and second step in the sense that they're only possible in a specific order. The "first" stage of shifting is still humanoid but results in fangs getting sharpers/longer, claws forming, eyes changing, and a general increase in size. Many shifters will often use this stage as a means to intimidate or scare someone off, shifting back to normal after the fact. The "second" stage is a full-body shift into a wolf/the animal in question. The transition between the first stage and second is almost instant. It is possible for shifting to be triggered when under immense emotional and/or physical stress. Otherwise, shifting is an active choice. (Bonus Note: If a shifter wants to remain clothed after shifting back to normal, they either have to have shifter specific clothing imbued with magic or phase their clothes as part of the initial shift.)

3: FACE (the Foundational Agency of Confidentiality Efforts) deals with various aspects of the vivified world. Everything from stagnant exposure to magic to public correspondence when necessary. There are other magical governments/organizations that handle less generalized matters, but FACE is the biggest/most notable of them. The magical government deals with the stagnant government fairly often. They keep the amount of unveiled stagnant individuals to a minimum, very much so on a need-to-know basis. Laws created by the magical government are meant primarily for vivified humans. I specify humans because with cupids, those lines can get blurred. While they are not made for them to follow per say, there are many laws on how to interact with the stagnant population as well.

4: There's a lot of ways to answer this! If you mean from one person to another, that would depend on individual personality and such. It would also depend on the circumstances in which someone is learning about magic. [For example: Nova's magic anchored after witnessing a traumatic event while still a child. Because of the nature of that situation and what he is, his guardians had to do their best to explain things to him. // In Jessalyn's case, she had a cupid trying to explain magic to her after living her entire life veiled. Because "Peaches" felt like they couldn't sufficiently explain, they took Jess to FACE instead. // In the case of a newly turned vampire, FACE will provide a very brief "overview" before passing the responsibility off to either the vampire's maker or the vampire themself.] There is a department within FACE dedicated to informing newly vivified individuals about magic, but the efficacy of their efforts is debatable.

///

I hope that answers all your questions sufficiently (but also feel free to bug me with follow-ups /lh)

[corruptedplaylist]

act i behind the scenes

hi hello, welcome to a little bts for my voltron college au fanfic, looking out for you on ao3!

favorite scene: the ending of chapter 5, actually! i remember i was typing as fast as i fucking could to try and get it done and sent to my beta (i was also holding my family up for dinner lmao). the last few paragraphs where keith reflects on how far he's come and lance catching him in his own head— that just kinda poured out of me and after going back and rereading it, i don't think there was ever a different way to end the chapter.

favorite character: copout answer but i dont have a favorite character to write. i have a huge soft spot for canon lance and pidge but in the fic, i love the small moments where lance or keith are interacting one-on-one with each other or with other people. i feel like i can really dig into the characterization there. hunk and lance's dynamic has been really fun for me to write because i am so soft at the thought of childhood best friends who have seen each other in almost every version of themselves and know each other in and out. i think hunk and lance stabilize each other pretty well, and they just seem to exist as two sides of the same coin. i also really enjoy pidge's dynamic with lance because it reminds me of two of my friends who were essentially brother and sister and argued all the time and made fun of each other. but ultimately, they'd fight to the death for each other. shiro and keith's dynamic is fun because i like being able to get in keith's head and write a shit ton of his inner monologue but then what comes out is like three sentences while shiro just patiently waits for him to spit it out. i also have been hinting (which ill be deepning later on) that even though keith and shiro love each other and are close, there's some distance between them that's built over time. i think it's natural, especially when keith still hasn't fully come to terms that someone he perceives to be a hero would ever take a chance on him. when shiro, the gay depressed bitch that he is, goes to college and experiences the sanctity of forming your own community and meeting people who really truly get you, ofc he's going to constantly want to go back. i think that yearning definitely scares keith and thus leads him to distancing himself as a means of self preservation. and ofc, shiro sees keith pulling away but isn't sure what to do because keith won't talk to him so there's gonna be some underlying tension. can't wait to unpack all of that! i love u space dad i love u space emo.

least favorite scene: i fucking hate action oml. i don't mind reading it but i cannot stand writing it and that's mainly because i have such a rotten little brain that has a hard time processing shit and so the pacing is really difficult for me. (thank u to my beta for suffering through my constant questions). all the paintball scenes in act i weren't my favorite because i had to constantly map out where all 12 characters were on the field at all times and how they were moving and where they were moving. that being said, i do think the paintball scenes were valuable because i got to explore how each individual member would act separately and then as a group. i am v happy that there will be no more paintball after this, tho. (i have never played paintball before in my life). character's ethnic identities yeah so i made a note around chapter 2? i think? that i wanted to incorporate the lived experiences of 1.5, second, and third generation immigrants because this is a fanfic but also i wanted to ground it in reality a little. as a person of color, going to college i had the freedom to explore my identity and also reconcile notions of home and tradition with an entirely new group of people. im a huge sucker for language and it was important to me to incorporate various degrees of bilingualness because that's how i saw other people from multicultural households talk.

i couldn't really include keith being half-galra in a college au but i did see potential to have him go through an identity crisis about being half-korean (asians being forever foreigners, aliens, immigrants). since krolia wasn't there to see him grow up and help him connect with his korean heritage, i think that definitely contributed to keith's anger and trauma of not having the one person who could understand what he was feeling. as someone who grew up not knowing their biological family, i can understand keith's reluctance to even attempt to dive into his heritage and so he's just stuck in this liminal space where he's half-korean living with two japanese people. i created a somewhat elaborate backstory for him and i have big plans for his identity exploration further on so im very excited to project write more.

this has been a short but sweet bts of looking out for you! get excited for act ii! there will be more klance(!!!) and relationship development among the other characters (keith & allura, lance & allura, lance & adam!)

[gamingdotcom]

goddamn this game!!! im not even done with my first playthrough and im already trying to figure out what i want to do with my second one.... i mean, ill share anyway. thoughts below the cut!

i feel like my first pass has been a rollercoaster of self-discovery and reflection and an... all consuming affection for a certain vampire twink. i think i have given varying levels of care to the story: i was in and out in act one while i figured out what this game was about and whether or not the story was interesting enough to listen to,¹ but i made a real effort to try and do every little thing before leaving.

in act 2, i kind of tired myself out by being so exhaustive in act 1 so i kind of sped run a lot of it (partially because i was DYING to find out what happens with astarion, partially because of the aforementioned burn out, partially because i was frustrated with the difficulty curve) so i really did not pay much attention. i refocused once dame aylin came into the picture because. hello. how could you ignore that-- but i had lost important beats and foreshadowing because of how i navigated that arc. i feel i have the most room to grow when returning to this chapter.

in act 3, im really slowing down and smelling the roses more, but trying not tire myself out the way i did in act 1. i am realizing, however, as some character arcs reach their crest, that i spent a lot of time and care with astarion and through that very singular focus have missed out on a lot of the other characters!! At this juncture i would say i am interested but not overly invested in the outcome of the overall story arc, and this may well be the result of my inconsistent focus on it.... it could also just be that i have very high standards for a compelling story. From where i stand, having not yet finished the game, i have found that the individual character arcs are the strongest point in the game by far-- i have seen most this through shadowheart and astarion, and although dame aylin's arc is not long, it is fucking powerful. perhaps i will find that the game returns what you give, and i may enjoy other parts of the story more if i give them more focus.

¹ I personally find that most RPG stories fall completely flat for me, so I was not expecting much. For the average game, I am far more interested in mechanics than story beats. Can't tell you why because I love a good book! And a good movie! And good TV!

so, given all this, my intentions for my second(!) run are:

acquire all characters asap (i went without karlach for most of act one, oops!), really try to spend time with them, and rotate through my party so I can see how the different characters interact. this may require slowing down even more than i did in my first run, but since the character arcs ive seen so far have proven to be the most compelling part of the game, i think it will be worth the trouble. i just have to be patient!

plan my character's progression out in advance so the difficulty curve does not hit as hard in act 2

stop looking at guides... altogether. this is a silent killer that i think has fucked with my experience! i have this compulsion to want to do everything perfect and control all the factors i can to give myself the best outcome and i think that has really hurt my experience in a number of ways: 1) ruins the surprise, 2) frames important story beat decisions in terms of costs and benefits rather than whether the choice is in-line with the character would say (or what I want to say), 3) reinforces this fun belief that mistakes should never be made even in fun fantasy game 4) micromanaging to this extent is just.. exhausting! It means im devoting less energy to the story than on how to optimize it to get the outcome i want. not great!

try my very best to not just hit spacebar during major plot beats. i think this will mainly mean playing in shorter bursts because i get attention fatigue if playing for longer than 1.5-2 hours.. and also eating before and drinking water while i play so i dont get hangry.

i think that's it! hopefully i will get a different but still engaging experience with the game! thanks for reading :)

[clxudycow]

Hello dear ( hope you dont mind the nickname :'D) i really liked that c!techxreader smut you writed but i literally hate you for leaving us on a cliff hanger/j ( funfact i love cliff hangers i love the pain/lh), anyways- can i like request a smut? For like dream or techno or anynody you're like comfortable writing for, where is like an angel,a literall smol bean that needs to he protected from the world, she be so naive and so adorable thats its too much to handle even us as readers cant handle it:(.

Reader is the literal definition of daddys princess, not like the spoiled ones but like the overly kind and obedient ones who like do everything as they told and has never ever broken a single rule, like ever in that entire relationship has she ever broken a rule and its adorable, she's so subby and its driving me insane ㅠㅠ.

So,its comes a day the good girl ( literally.) Is kinda feeling lonely a little bit, her daddy hasnt given her attention since this morning and shes feeling a little left out,but as the good girl she is she knows that her daddy is busy and needs to get somework done so she just set and wait, then the devil on her shoulder tells ' it wouldnt her to entertain yourself for a while wouldnt it?' Yet as the good girl she is, she dosent! But the burning urge in her kills her entirely as she waits longer and longer, so she goes downstairs to where the c! Is and looks at him while playing with her sweater,tears are aleeady feeling those eyes as she anxiously tries to explain what she wants from him.

Im so sorry if this a long one but i have really had this ideaa in my head for the longest and i need somebody to write it and it honorably happens to be you! This is my first ask so lord help me- so good luck and have a nice day!!^^

Hello! Hi I think I'll just do a little thought not a whole fic. Because my boundaries (pinned post) have been updated. But when this has requested it wasn't updated. So I thought you deserved some of this for such a Good Girl.

(sorry abt the name right there -> ^ )

"perfect"

By:cloudy

Genre: Smut blurb

Warnings: near death throat fucking, praise, short, crying if you squint,rough, blowjob

Pairing: Daddy! C!Revivedbur x Good Girl! Y/n

No Minors!

Y/n choked and sobbed as Wilbur stuffed his cock down her throat. She only had 1.5 seconds to breathe before it went right back down. His thrusts got sloppier while he used his princess. "A-a-ah! Good! So-o perfect! F-for me!" He screamed as he painted her throat white.

[awsugar]

hello im going on anon b/c anxiety but i have a theory/observation thing to share.

okay so today (at least where i live) is Friday the 13th and that feels like some spooky stuff and MCR might get back on their witchy bullshit and post something – honestly tho idk what they would post b/c they prolly wanna do more lead-up

ok but the real thing i wanted to say was BRIAN FUCKING SCHECTER's (ooo yay bad spelling go brr) TWITTER. ok so he posted some real cryptic shit that I gotta tell u about (idk who else to scream too)

okay so the first thing he posted is "such a nice day..." which is weird because he literally hasn't tweeted since 2013-ish? also i wouldn't be able to tell because HE DELETED ALL OF HIS OLDER TWEETS

the FIRST thing is that the MCR band name/logo is BACKWARDS on the album cover , and Brian tweeted this weird keysmash: sidnuces dcv

so I was listening to My Chemical Fancast (amazing fucking podcast) and they were talking about Brian's twitter, and how MCR is obsessed with latin + stuff now, so i plugged his tweet into latin--> english google translate

that didn't come up with anything, so i REVERSED it and plugged it into google translate and got this: vcd secundis, which means vcd seconds (according to google)

so THEN,,, I went and did some roman numeral bullshit and i think the vcd means 5,400. so basically his weird tweed COULD mean 5,400 seconds, which is 1.5 hours and THEN 1.5 hours after his tweet after that Foundations dropped. so I have a feeling Brian knows a lot and will probably keep being a cryptic motherfucker. so idk. watch out for Brian cuz he tweeted AGAIN, basically just a "good morning" but idk. maybe I'm reading a lot into it,, but the way his twitter presence sparked back up CANNOT be a coincidence. i am also fully prepared to lose my fucking mind today. anyway thx for letting me lose my absolute shit in your ask box. bye.

omg im late but you put so much into this that i wanted to respond

as far as i know he also tweeted, after the one you're talking about, '5400 seconds for the record' which was tweeted at 130pm pst before the 3pm song drop. 5400 seconds is 1.5 hours like you said. he deleted it later and clarified that 'for the record' was like. '5400 seconds, for the record' not like. and hour and a half long album. he didnt want it to be misleading.

but yea, brian is back on for the reuniuon. so he doesn't just know a lot, he likely knows everything. including whether or not theres an album, and when it will drop if it does. considering his pre-song tweets i think we should definitely be keeping an eye on his twitter. ill probably put him on notifs.

[crowtrinkets]

Anaylsis of Vesuvia :) Pt 3B

Part 1, Part 2, Part 3A

Were gonna talk a little bit more about theory B from part 3A.

“B. The portals act as literal magical portals and transport a person from point A to point B no matter the distance, and do not act as a doorway as we saw demonstrated inside the palace meaning the tunnels ARE underground”

Now Venice and Mexico City are both built on top of the water, Venice was built from wooden posts submerged underwater and in the ground etc etc here's a quite frankly dramatic video that made me laugh that explains it better than I could

Here’s a visual aid

For the life of me I cannot find any sure evidence of how Mexico City, originally named Tenochtitlan (tuh·nowch·teet·laan), was constructed so I will reference my Art History professor and what the info she gave us in class I literally did this homework last night the timing in impeccable 

“The Aztec capital city, Tenochtitlan, was founded on a small piece of land in the western part of Lake Texcoco. The city was contained within high mountains and surrounding lake and marshes. To create living and farming space the Aztecs sank piles into the marshes and formed small land masses called chinampas, or floating gardens. Tenochtitlan was highly developed with causeways between islands for transport, aqueducts to carry fresh water and sewers to dispose of waste. The city developed into a metropolis led by a ruling leader and supported by noble classes, priests, warriors and merchants. By the early 1500s it contained an array of pyramids, temples, palaces and market places.”

And would you look at that? Tenochtitlan looks quite similar to Venice.

Now the reason I bring up Mexico City is because they are surrounded by marshes and hills, just as I am speculating Vesuvia is on a hill or a large slope. So we’ve established from two real life examples that it is totally possible to build large cities on top of water that sit for just under a thousand years

“But what does this have to do with underground tunnels Crow?” you ask, not a lot but I just wanted to prove that they can exist

But looking at the visual aid of Venice we can see that the foundation of the buildings are submerged a bit under water, the depth of the canals of Venice range from  1.2-2 meters deep, honestly not that deep if you ask me. So one could imagine that the canals of Vesuvia are about the same depth

Now that we established that were gonna talk about moats 

Just bear with me for a second ok image source

Moats are literally just very large ditches dug into the ground and filled with water to act as a defensive device, source, 

Now I’m going to introduce another theory, one that may or may not be true but it’s possible

My theory is that despite Vesuvia being designed with Venice in mind, I don’t think it was built in the same way, Portia’s route is very very lore heavy which *chefs kiss* amazing, it gives us context. 

In Portia’s route when the Apprentice is having a vision, or flashback, of the founding of Vesuvia what do they see? Do the see the coast? no they see

A wheat field, they say it’s where Vesuvia will be built

So my theory is that the city was built, by possibly starting with the palace, and then the aqueducts were added to bring fresh water towards the city, and eventually canals were dug into the ground, because the flowing of the water in the aqueducts and canals were vital to the magical ritual that Count Prospero wanted.

So what does this have to do with the tunnels?

I believe that the tunnels work with a city built of canals like Vesuvia because the canals were built around a preexisting city, much like a moat around a castle, and so it was easy to build tunnels under the palace because the aqueducts were redirecting the water around the palace making it safe to build underground tunnels without risk of flooding.

And even then the canals are only about 1.5-2 meters deep meaning the tunnels under the palace go deeper into the grounds than the canals do, and the canals are sealed with a sort of conrete meaning it is not just water into a dirt ditch

Ex)

*theater bow*

Holy heck that was a lot

I hope I didnt ramble too much and confuse you all but I this is my theory about the canal systems :)

Also hello to all my new found followers Im glad you’re all enjoying my content, ty sm for the follow <3

[heyitsyn]

Forgive Me

a/n: this was a request and an angsty one

im so sad theyre banning tiktok!!! :(

anon request:  okok haikyuu hcs part 2: oikawa’s the reader’s best friend because their moms were also best friends but they went to different kindergarten + elementary schools so imagine how excited they were to go to kitaichi together,, anyway reader is the manager (again) but also functions as a really skilled medic,, (oh yea they start dating in second year) anyway they hit third year and reader protects bb kags,, so they break up. fast forward and reader is now in another school (either in miyagi/tokyo)

part 1.5

part 2

requests open!!!

oikawa torup in da house

so in this one,

yall are the iconic childhood friends

for the sake of this headcanon, hes an only child

so to explain

your mothers were actually college friends and became best friends and were so close that they decided to live next door to each other and have a child around the same time

also to mention, their husbands were also best friends and a few matchmaking rituals, they all got married

omg i want a friend to do this w me

it worked and they got pregnant and imagine their surprise when one was expecting a boy while the other was expecting a girl

they were already planning yall wedding before you were even born lmao

due to the closeness of your mothers, ofc yall would be best friends and you and oiks practically grew up w each other

every friday night was your night so sleepovers happened all the time

however, when yall were starting to go to school

you both ended up in different schools

dont ask me why ask your mom

oiks was throwing a tantrum and just crying bc you would be separated while you were just clinging on to him, thinking he would disappear

‘no! n/n-chan and me are going together! im not going if shes not!’

‘now, now, tooru, youre both going to be apart for only a few hours’

‘mommy i dont want to leave tooru-kun’

‘youll walk home together, baby’

i would cry too

so yall developed a routine that tooru would go to your school to pick you up and you guys would walk home together

again, explain to me how little 6 year olds are able to walk to and from school

he would always hold your hand to keep you beside him and you would swing your hands while humming a tune

‘ugh, i hate being so far away from you n/n-chan’

you sighed but gave him a bright grin

‘i do too. but we have to wait until we’re older so we can be together forever! mommy tells me that her and papa were not together for a long time but after school, they are now together forever. so once we finish school, i can be with you whenever i want!’

tooru nodded, a determined smile on his face

‘we’re going to be like mommy and papa. we will be together forever and we’ll have our own house and we’re going to die together!’

bls theyre like 6 and already practically thinking about marriage and they dont even know it

sometimes, if you both have leftover money, you would both go to a convenience store, Sakanoshita Market, and buy milk bread

‘mister, you dont have anymore?’

‘sorry, kid, now go on and have real dinner!’

you both lived in each other’s houses and sometimes, your parents would even wonder if they have a child bc you would disappear off to the oikawa’s house or the l/n’s

when he met iwa, ngl, you were jealous

even though you have the best friends rights due to being friends since day 1, you were still worried about being replaced

ofc oiks knew about that concern and kept you from being left out so he constantly dragged you to play with him and iwa

they developed an interest in volleyball and you wanted to hang out with them so you sometimes tossed the ball to tooru who would set it to iwa

whenever they wanted to do something else, you would always suggest going on an adventure

meaning going to the park

uwu kids are so cute

your little trio formed and soon, you three were the closest

despite going to different elementary schools, you still found ways to hang out together

however,

instead of you being jealous of being cast aside by oiks

it was him being worried that he was going to be replaced by iwa

it became apparent when iwa mentioned about going over to your house on friday to study something 

and tooru is petty so he was mad that you didnt invite him

there was no way he was going to let iwa take you from him bc he knew you first and he was the first one to announce his intention of getting married to you in the future

he was yours and you were his, plain and simple

he went to your house unannounced and used his key to enter the house

your mom peaked from the kitchen and greeted him

‘oh, hello, tooru-kun! y/n is upstairs studying’

he nodded and went up to your room where you were reading some notes while doing some homework

‘y/n-chan’

you looked up to him standing at your doorway

your eyes lit up and your cheeks flared to see him

bahahaha yes feelings

‘tooru-kun!’

his face crumpled up and he tackled you, hugging the life out of you tightly

‘y/n-chan! dont leave me! youre mine, not iwa-chans! im better than iwa-chan, okay?!’

ofc you were just confused but tooru was weird and youve learned to accept that over the years

‘tooru, we’ve been friends longer. i’ll always be yours and youre mine too so youre always going to be first’

he was all teary eyed when you said that and demanded cuddles and a movie after making him run all the way from iwa’s house

‘but i didnt ask you to, though’

‘you were still the reason i had to run so take responsibility!’

he might be a handful but he was oikawa tooru and you love him otherwise

( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

as yall were settled and the beginning of e.t begins

baby oikawa was absolutely in love with that movie fite me

he asked you why you didnt invite him to study with iwa

you stopped and looked at him confusingly

‘tooru-kun, youre good at science aren’t you? iwa’s this 👌 close to failing just bc he mixes up solid, liquid, and gas’

this is a random fact that i made up so pls dont blast me about this !!!

oikawa stops then just doubles over laughing 

‘ohmygod! iwa-chan!’

yall know that arm wrestling video and his stage actor just yelling out iwa-chan? yes im imagining that

you looked at tooru weirdly

‘hm, laughing over your friend’s demise, okay’

needless to say, oiks called you during lunch and sounded like he was running and it was bc he was being chased by haji-kun after he made fun of him

‘ugh y/n! why did you tell him that!’

‘i mean,,,, its pretty embarrassing’

now comes middle school!!!

!!!!

yall are finally able to be in the same middle school as your friends!!!

you were so excited and you wouldnt shut up about it bc youve been looking forward to the day that yall get to be together everyday

not that you didnt have friends in your old school,

you just preferred being with the guys since you werent into the girly things yourself

and you get to see tooru everyday since he was in your class

oiks and iwa immediately wanted to join the volleyball club and they were soon accepted so it was only normal for you to be in practice a lot

you didnt join a club since none really interested you so it was okay for you to go the gym and do your homework while they practice

there was no choice on staying either since you usually walked home with them since oiks lived next door and iwa hung out at either your place or his

the current manager of the team noticed your friendship and frequent appearances so she asked you to be the manager rather than just being there

you didnt really have a choice bc oiks agreed for you and excitedly told you that you were going to be with them for the next 3 years

‘everyone! thank you for the past 3 years!’

hehe i just died inside

tooru was so happy that you would be in volleyball bc that was two favorite things lumped into the best 3 hours of his life: volleyball and you

so thus started your managerial duties

you became friends with the team but was closer to the first years

you quite literally watched them grow into amazing volleyball players and you sometimes cried along with them when they either got hurt or lost

specifically during the shiratorizawa match

it was then that you were sure of your feelings for your best friend

as he wept in the locker room, you stayed by the door, unsure if you should go in or not

but the others have gone to the bus already and iwa wanted you to go and get oiks ready so they could leave

so, you entered the room and your heart dropped, not even noticing the nasty smell of sweat in the boys locker room

he was hunched over the bench, a towel over his head

sure, he was just a first year and he has more opportunities to win

but it was the first time oiks experienced such a loss

and that smug look that ushijima gave him as he sat on the floor

you saw the defeated look as you stood with the coach at the bench

rushing forward and kneeling in front of him, you hugged him tightly

he cried, both defeated and embarrassed, but he didnt let go

it was then that you vowed to be there for him whenever this happens

every loss, every defeat, youll be there

it was painful and you had a feeling that this crush on him would make it harder in the future but you didnt care

bc tooru looked the most beautiful when he smiled

by now, second year has started

youve obviously noticed that your now second year friends are working much harder

and they were gaining more popularity

bc this was the age where puberty starts hitting everyone and lets just say god decided to bless the volleyball team

it shouldnt have surprised you that they were going to be known in the school or prefecture bc they were talented and handsome

perfect recipe for a dream boy

what was only a confession every few weeks or so, turned into nearly a dozen in a WEEK

dw you got some too!!

as a manager, you knew it was going to be a hard job being the only female in a team full of boys

but you didnt expect it to be this bad

girls would corner you in every hallway, outside or inside, to either give you their love letters to oikawa or to threaten you to stay away from their grand king

lmao king okay

and dw, you told them to catch you outside by chipotle after school but they didnt show up

that nickname seemed to get into oikawa’s ego as he told you about his love for that term

as you three walked home, oikawa was telling you about this one girl who called him her king and he giggled at the thought

‘she told me that she wanted to be my princess! but i told her i was a king so she should settle for a prince like iwa-chan’

you laughed at iwa’s angry face

‘shittykawa why am i downgraded?! you think youve above me or something?!’

‘PRINCE IWA-CHAN! HAIL PRINCE IWA-CHAN!’

you howled causing iwa to glare at you

‘not you too y/n!’

you were laughing so hard that your face was red and it got worse when iwa gave you a noogie

but little do you know, oikawa was looking at you at the side, trying to gauge your reaction

you didnt seem to be bothered at the fact that some girl wanted him to be theirs

that was why he frequently told you about his confessions

tooru wanted to know if you still felt the same about him being always yours by telling you stories about the girls and if you were jealous or not

but you remained indifferent and just laughed along

however, you WERE jealous but you didnt show it

youre like ‘im a bad bih you cant kill me’

with all these much prettier girls and talented girls than you, you were sure he would find somebody else

as long as he was happy and smiling, you were going to be just fine

again, another PSA! YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL NO MATTER WHAT BC YOU ARE THE KWEEN TO GRAND KING TOORU AND YOU RULE THE WORLD BC YOU ARE A BAD BIH AND YOU WILL NOT BE KILLED BY INSECURITIES!!

tooru was lowkey hurt about you blushing with iwa and not being bothered about the threat that was looming in the distance

so he practiced more, slightly regreting now that you were in the team

he was being an insecure little bean again and suddenly hes thinking that you and iwa seem to be interacting more (even though you werent) and he was being jealous and this caused him to be slightly more irritated

with all of his practicing, he ends up hurting himself more often like bruises and such

that worried you deeply bc he was practicing too much and pushing himself way too hard and you knew he would combust any moment now

this energy seeped into the others and theyve begun to be more intense during practice and you were sure they were wearing themselves out

youve expressed your concern to the coach about the bruises on their skin and their wincing at every movement

‘the solution to this, y/n-chan, is to study about this and be the medic that helps heal our soldiers’

with that request, youve started taking more trips to the library, staying up late reading medical articles, and buying pain relievants and medical tape

this was when you decided you wanted to be a sports therapist or an injury related profession in the future

so you were obviously prepared when you caught oiks practicing late again

you were actually stocking up some medical supplies when you were passing by the gym and found it still open with lights

he was practicing those damn service serves again and you were starting to get irritated when he didnt listen to you about not pushing himself too hard

‘tooru-kun, lets go home’

your voice resounded from the loud sounds of the balls hitting either the floor or wall

he gritted his teeth

‘i need to do this. i need to be strong enough to beat ushijima. i need-’

‘tooru-kun, let’s go home’

(reference)

but he didnt listen to you and spiked once more but he didnt land back on his feet

but on his knee

tooru made a sound of pain

your heart started beating really fast and you busted out your bag that had emergency supplies

tooru saw you kneeling beside him and for a second, the pain subsided and he was only focused on you

the way your stray hairs from your bun framed your face and the delicate eyes that were so focused on bunching up your kita jacket and using it to elevate the sprained knee

‘ice. i need ice’

you kept mumbling and was about to stand up but his hand flies to clutch your arm

‘y/n-chan, please dont leave me’

‘but its going to swell-’

‘i dont care. i need you right now so dont leave me alone’

you stared at each other, one slightly irritated while one was begging

‘i told you that you were going to hurt yourself if you push too far and look where you are’

‘but it hurts and i need affection to cool it down’

‘N O, tooru, what you need is proper treatment’

‘cuddles are considered treatment, you know’

‘we’re literally in the middle of the gym-’

‘i dont care’

he gave you those puppy eyes and you harshly looked away to the side

then you sighed before sitting down behind him and holding him in your arms

he was content with your affection and your familiar cherry blossom perfume engulfing his senses

his back was rested against your front uncomfortably while your arms were around his middle where his fingers played with your hands

it was silent for a moment except for his occasional hisses of pain but he decided this might be the time

at this point, he was hurt already so he doesnt care if youd reject him since the pain in his knee would cover the pain of his heart

hes like 14 what he poetic and deep for

‘ne, n/n-chan’

‘hm’

‘go out with me?’

your arms tensed and he squeezed his eyes shut, prepared for the rejection

‘only if you stop doing these late practices bc i want to have dates with you after school’

oml oikawa was so happy

like so happy that he just turns around excitedly and hugs you, competely forgeting about the pain in his knee

‘omg tooru your knee!’

‘ow! ugh!’

so thus began your relationship

anon, im very reluctant to make this fluff to angst

he stuck to his word of not going too far with his late practices and yall often had dates at the park, the convenience store, or just at home

ofc it wasnt everyday but it was close to it

everything was great in the world bc you had your best friend as your boyfriend and he made you so happy

during the summer, you began being an apprentice to your uncle’s clinic to further advance your knowledge in the medical field

that meant less time to spend with tooru which meant sulky tooru

this often caused arguments between you two since he always brought it up

‘n/n-chan, i miss you!’

‘i miss you too, tooru-kun. but i have to continue this so that i can be a better medic for the team!’

‘but i matter more than the team! n/n-chan!’

that was his problem. he thought that now you were dating, youd be revolving him 24/7 and he was everything you thought about

but you still had a life to live and prepare for

you sighed before sitting next to tooru on the floor

‘i finish at 2. then we can go get some milk bread and hike up that trail in time to see the sunset. sound good?’

that made him brighten up and you were dreading of repeating this same cycle again in a few days

but you actually liked this boy and even could say you love him despite his clingy and slightly obsessive personality

when your third year rolled around, oikawa was finally the captain of the team

you were now on the hunt of another manager to take over for next year but so far, its been hard

theyve all been fascinated by the boys, especially oikawa, making it a hard task

during the practice, you notice that tooru has been different

to the others, he was fine

but to this one student, kageyama tobio, he was cold

harsh, even

it wasnt like him to treat his kouhais like that so you were confused and obviously worried for a player on your team

you pulled him aside one day and you asked him what was going on

‘tooru, why are you being mean to kageyama?’

he just smiled, but it was much more different

like a whole different smile youve never seen

‘hes the first setter ive met who is an underclassman. im just trying to toughen him up and shape him to his potential’

but you crossed your arms, raising an eyebrow

‘by criticizing every single movement he makes like breathing? by constantly embarrassing him in front of the others? by isolating him from everyone else?’

his eyes twitched and his grin got wider as he gently held your hands

‘we’ll talk about this later, n/n-chan, kay? now, i need to get back to practice as captain and you can continue being the manager’

to be honest, you were kinda pissed

‘no, tooru. you need to stop-’

‘y/n? stop it. this is a stupid thing to argue about so drop it’

boi watch yo mouth

but you didnt push further to not make a scene so you went to kindaichi and gave him his bottle and a towel to kunimi

it was tense between you and oikawa for the next few days

the team could pick up on the weird energy but refused to say anything because hello you were their mom and oikawa was their captain

but iwa didnt care so he straight up asked yall as you were taking spiking notes

‘oi y/n, shittykawa, did you argue or something? its kinda tense in here’

the entire team froze and even the coach looked between you two

lmao i love the coach

‘hm, y/n-chan and i just disagreed on something, didn’t we, y/n-chan?’

oikawa turned and gave you a grin

to others, it wouldve looked real and so convincing

but to you, you knew it was fake

thinking back on it, you shouldve known that was the beginning of his new persona

whenever you pointed it out, he would deflect and you wouldnt stop until he told you what was going on resulting more fights bc he was not doing his vital share in this relationship: communicate

‘tooru, listen to me!’

‘no, y/n-chan. im busy so later’

then it became like that

‘later, y/n-chan’

‘after this spike’

soon after, it felt like you didnt even have a boyfriend anymore

even iwa was starting to notice something weird since oiks was doing this to him too

he was distant, focusing too much time on volleyball which took a toll on his health

and he was getting angrier at tobio for unknown reasons

but these reasons soon came to light when that unfortunate day came

you were waiting for oikawa to finish up his practice so you could also pack up the balls and go home

iwa was already packing up to leave so it was only you oikawa and tobio remaining in the gym

youve talked to kageyama about tooru before and you encouraged him to ask oiks how to serve bc he was really good at it

today he was asking again but you already knew that he was going to refuse him like he has before

but you didnt see this coming

you saw him start to raise his hand with this manic look in his eyes and your eyes widened, running full speed towards kageyama

nYOOM

we finna change this up so buckle up babes

instead of kageyama, you pushed him aside so you took the hit

the force and the intensity of the slap was equivalent to the ones he used to his serves causing you to fly to the floor

you were breathing heavy, tears threatening to fall from the throbbing pain on your face, yet you didnt move

then your head turned to look at kageyama before giving him a nod and a smile

‘g-go to iwaizumi, tobio. he’ll take you home, kay?’

he looked unsure, looking between you and oikawa but your long blink and small smile told him that you would be okay

he ran to the exit and disappeared from view

it was now just you and oikawa

on the other hand, he remained frozen

he didnt know if he should grovel on his knees or cry to forgive him

‘n/n-chan-’

‘dont’

in all the years youve known each other,

from the very beginning in your diapers,

youve never spoken to him in such anger, venom, and hurt

‘dont say another word to me. dont apologize to me. i did what a normal person would do and protect an innocent child from something he doesnt deserve. he was just a child, tooru’

you stood up, eyes still not meeting his, instead focusing on his taped fingers that used to hold your hands with such gentleness and touch you so softly

‘what happened to you, tooru?’

you whimpered, arms wrapping around yourself

he was lost

he didnt know what to do

he had his own tears falling and he stepped forward in instinct to go to your arms but you flinched and backed away

that caused him to sob before throwing himself on the floor in front of you

‘y/n, please. y/n forgive me. i didnt mean to! please, y/n!’

part of you wanted to think that he was just so stressed out for the incoming interhigh that he wasnt thinking straight

but you knew you were just making excuses

this relationship started falling apart the moment you started your third year and you were just trying to hold it together

it was like holding water on your palms yet ignoring the water that was spilling on the side

you can only ignore it for a short while until eventually, the water is not there anymore and youre suddenly asking yourself, ‘where did it go?’

and now youre asking yourself, where did you go wrong?

was it your fault?

‘tooru, for months, ive made excuses for you. many times ive tried to sort out our problems, yet you always made excuses to not talk about it. it takes two to dance in a relationship yet it feels like im just dragging you in circles. we’re going in circles, tooru!’

he looked up at you, slowly standing on his feet with hands hovering over your shoulders, afraid to touch you

‘i can make this right, y/n. forever, right? you promised me years ago that we’d be together forever! we would get married a-and live together and be like mom and papa, right?!’

you choked back a sob at his face

he looked like someone else

he wasnt your tooru

he was the oikawa tooru that held you as you tried to walk

the one that pulled you back up to bed when you rolled off

the one who purposely tripped himself during your first year when you slipped so that you wouldnt be embarrassed in front of everyone

this was a selfish, jealous, tooru

the same look he gave you when he found out that you were studying with iwa without him

‘you hated tobio because he was a good setter, right? you were jealous and scared that he would take your place? was that it, tooru?’

that was then he really realized that you were the only one who could read him like you were reading a book

a single glance and you knew right away

and you calling him out on it allowed him to figure out why he truly didnt like tobio

and it was embarrassing that you said it out loud

and when oikawa tooru was embarrassed or flustered, he deflects

and it usually ends up badly

‘jealous? dont make me laugh!’

he scoffed while you glared at him

‘then what was it, then tooru? why did you do that, huh? because by the way youre acting right now, youre nothing but a green-filled monster. man, you seriously their captain?’

‘shut up, y/n!’

his personality took a whole 360 and you stepped back, scared he would lash out again

‘you dont know anything! you dont know how its like to feel second place from that bastard ushijima. you dont know how its like to feel threatened that your own kouhai could possibly be better than you. you dont know how it feels like to not feel enough no matter how many hours you practice or serves you hit. you dont know anything, y/n-chan’

he hissed and you shook your head in disbelief

‘so to satisfy your own insecurities, you hurt and put down others just so you could feel better about yourself. that just proves you are no longer the tooru i know.’

‘well i dont need you, then!’

you were taken aback by his shouts, composure now broken

‘im not him anymore so you either take whats in front of you or leave!’

at his suggestion, you narrowed your eyes

‘dont make me say my choice because you already know what im going to say’

despite knowing youd say that, part of him still wanted you to at least stay

but he was hurt and he wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt him

‘then leave! i dont need a distraction in my life anymore! you no longer satisfy me! so go!’

the tears now fell and you opened your mouth to say something but you closed it, replacing it with a sob

you bit your lip to compose yourself and swallowed that lump on your throat

‘fine. we’re done, oikawa tooru. and im sorry if i was a distraction to you for the entire 15 years of life we spent together. i can assure you that you will no longer have to put up with me’

then you left

nyoom?

you tried not to think about it bc you were only 15 and you were young so this wouldnt be the last time youd feel love

but not only did you lose a boyfriend, but you lost your best friend

and this is when you realized that best friends are only meant to be best friends

nothing more, nothing less

your parents knew nothing of what transpired and blamed your bruise at running into something bc you didnt want to strain the friendship your mother and his had if they found out her son hit you

family dinners were awkward and your parents kept asking until theyve just figured out that you were fighting

for the rest of your lives

iwa didnt know either

you made kageyama swear to you that he wouldnt say anything and you were relieved that it wasnt his business to say anything to someone else anyways

it was a secret that remains between the three of you

all was known was that you and oikawa broke up and you acted like he wasnt even there

if you had a problem, you went to iwaizumi since he was the vice captain

other than that, you no longer interacted with oikawa

it was an obvious thing that you wouldnt go to seijoh and your families were confused, wondering what the heck happened

‘y/n? youve wanted to go with tooru to seijoh since you were younger so what changed?’

‘people change’

tooru changed

instead, you went to karasuno

it was a suggestion from the guy in the milk bread store after you expressed your dilemma of finding a high school

‘karasuno’s right up there, kid. it’s not that far of a walk, right?’

‘i guess youre right’

during your first day of high school, you were shutting the gate when you saw iwaizumi and oikawa by his door

iwaizumi raised a hand in greeting and you smiled at him before walking down the road

‘i still wont force you to tell me but just know, you either fix it or get over her’

iwaizumi cautions tooru who kept his eyes on your slowly getting smaller figure

‘but i cant fix it this time’

you disassociated yourself from volleyball for the rest of years until a good friend of yours, kiyoko, asked you to help her manage the boys

she asked you to just help her out during your last year and you agreed since shes done a lot of things for you over the years

‘we have a practice match with aoba johsai on tuesday so you think you can come then?’

you froze, not knowing what to say

but its been years and you no longer cared

besides, you still felt protective towards one of your former baby chicks kageyama and him being there with that guy worried you

so you agreed

on your way there, kageyama stuck close to you since you were the only one he trusted there

‘are you okay with this, y/n-san?’

you squeezed his arm with a smile

‘it’s okay, tobio. besides, iwa told me that kindaichi and kunimi are there and i miss them so’

the boys and you started unloading their bags and kiyoko asked you to go and fill their bottles in case

the gray-haired setter, you knew as sugawara koushi, accompanied you to carry them so you were filling them up as he held the container of empty bottles

‘the boys are going to be good, you know. and dont worry about kageyama. hes extremely talented and we could win easily’

you gave him a reassuring smile and he nodded

‘i have faith in our firs-’

‘y/n’

a voice from behind you made the hair on your arms stand and you saw him there

he was shocked to see you there bc last thing he knew from iwa, you no longer had anything to do with volleyball

but here you were, in his castle, with an unknown person beside you

suga noticed your tense form and placed the box on the floor

he put a hand on your shoulder and made you face him

‘you know him, y/n?’

but you only gave oikawa one more look

‘no. not anymore’

oikawa screamed

yall that one last line is not relevant to the story but i put it there since someone pointed out that oikawa was always screaming and i thought that was a funny comment

[dimples-of-discontent]

Bex, Im just so fucking sad. I liked NOTHING about that ending and idk what to do with myself now.

I hear you, friend, and the main reaction I had to reading about this hot garbage fire of a finale (b/c I didn’t have an easy way to watch it...and now I plan to wait until my emotional investment is lower) was concern and love for all the people who are going to be so let down by this. It’s not me, because at the moment I have more emotional distance from SPN than in the past. But I’ve been there. The show and this ship was there for me when I needed it the most and I cannot imagine what today’s episode would have done to me back in 2017/8 when this community is what kept me feeling ok with my life and connected to other humans. I hope anyone in that position will take a minute to remember the things that are good about the fandom, and about the show in the past, and remember that endings aren’t everything. I know it sounds so trite, but it really IS about the friends we made along the way.

So, I’m ok and ready to crack jokes as a coping mechanism. But that’s because I’m very used to getting bad news. And if you’re not, this ending would really knock you back. Like, it seemed almost aggressively insensitive to what the show and especially the DeanCas relationship mean to people in the fandom. I was prepared, mentally, for it to be open-ended. For example, way back when I even spec-ed that Dean would die and and Cas would meet him in Heaven, smiling and saying one final “hello, Dean.” Or even that they’d just amble off to ambiguously spend Dean’s life together on earth. To not offer that--and to so explicitly not offering it after going where 15x18 went--shows either how out-of-touch they are or how deliberately cruel they are. I’m hoping to go with the first option.

Let me back up a sec. When I tell you I’m very used to getting bad news, believe it. In January 2019 I was diagnosed with stage 4 breast cancer. That’s the latest stage and my best case scenario is constantly living in treatment (no “getting through it”)  that keeps cancer from killing me. That sounds dramatic and it is. My life expectancy (at 34) went to an average of 1.5-3 years. I have a tag for it and a sideblog about it if you want to follow, but that’s not the point. The point is that I’ve been through the wringer with this (currently in treatment 4 in 20 months, none so far have worked for long) and the way I prepared myself  for tonight’s finale was exactly like when I wait for the scan results that tell me if the cancer is better or worse. Like, even now that’s how fucking serious it felt to me. And yes, I can and do put it in perspective by thinking “hey! it’s a tv show! and I get all the good fandom things no matter what!” but don’t for a second feel bad for taking it seriously, ok?

So to answer a little the question of what  to do with yourself: feel sad. Or feel angry or feel like getting high (and go for it!) or play the cowboy scene in 13x06 on repeat...whatever lets you feel your feelings. Don’t tell yourself your feelings are “wrong” or let other assholes on here make you feel bad for having them. (And seriously? People on here? Just be fucking kind, ok?) Also don’t set a limit on how long you can feel sad. It takes as long as it takes. None of us have a lot to make us feel better right now, with this terrible year and heading into lockdown again, and this show used to. Now it’s been taken from you. It’s a loss, and you should grieve that loss.

Also, figure out what is making you feel worse and stop doing it. If that’s Tumblr, take a break for a while! If it’s particular blogs, mute them or unfollow but make a note to follow later. If it’s all of SPN, symbolically remove it from your life or (and I do this a lot!) find a new temporary hyperfixation. (Have you watched “Buffy” yet? Watch “Buffy.”) You don’t owe attention to negative things in your life. It makes them stronger. Ignore trolls and use the block button at will.

I’m not leaving and I hope other people will consider not leaving too. The show gave us a LOT, even if very little of it was in these last episodes. 

And, in the meantime, dear Nonnie, may I recommend diving into my archive through tags and getting heavily, heavily into Cockles because honestly they will never let you down and they are all sweetness and light. There’s a reason that I have a tag for “cockles is a happy destiel au.”

Take care, Nonnie, and so should the rest of you. Feel your feelings, disengage if necessary, but know that I at least will be here when I can. Our community has way more life left in it.

Love,

Bex

[foxie-roxie]

why rayllum is a MASTERPIECE part 3

*RUBS MY CLAWS TOGETHER* IT IS SEASON 3 TIME BITCHES AND H O L Y S H I T I LOVE THIS SEASON SO MUCH

i even rewatched it for this!

this time i’ll try to have SOME order, and go by episode. this will however still include unintelligible screaming

1. DAMN THESE FUCKERS BE PINING MORE THAN A PINE TREE FOREST!

first off, affectionate eye rolling, nose boop, and head bonk is the best thing.

second, IF SOMEONE SAYS THAT DURING WHEN CALLUM WAS HELPING RAYLA PUT ON HIS SCARF AND THEY J STARED AT EACHOTHER FOR A BIT BEFORE RAYLA TURNED AWAY THAT HE WAS N O T LOST IN HER EYES? they’re wrong. this is fact now.

third, their teamwork and decision making is excellent. they agree to try and sneak past sol regem, and when that fails try talking to him and then decide to simply trick his senses with the scarf. and instead of rayla shooting down callum’s “smelltriloquism” idea, she simply adds onto it! LOVE HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS

“i think it’s good luck!” YES IT IS RAY THAT’S UR BOYFRIENDS SCARF

also, here you go. you’re welcome.

2. STILL PINING. GOD DAMN.

first, CALLUM BEING SO EXCITED BY ALL THE MAGIC IN XADIA IS S O CUTE! MY SON. this might turn into an overrall review of s3. o well

second. FLUSTERED RAYLA AND FLUSTERED CALLUM. Y E S

third, THE ADORABURR FIELD! their smiles were so fond and soft and A. they make me cry of joy. 

an overall look on it, i like how this episode really shows their feelings clearly. no “will they won’t they”, at least for rayla. it’s clear she has feelings.

3. AH FUCK. ANGST.

first i love how when rayla mentions that she’s excited and happy but also terrified, callum tries to comfort her. good boi. best boi.

second, elf callum. i love that scene so much even if the second-hand embarrassment kills me, and rayla is j like “why the fuck do i love you. im gonna kill him.”

third, DANCE! callum not being rude and saying her home is “modest” before rayla explains it’s an illusion, his BLUSH WHEN SHE HELPS HIM, and the softness in general. rayla’s excitement that she’s home and talks abt that she can show callum where she went to school, the best moonberry surprise place, until...

fourth, AH FUCK. A N G S T T I M E. rayla being crest-fallen before callum says that it must’ve been a mistake, and she realizes that ethari would probably understand!

and then CONFIRMED GAYS. YES.

rayla realizing ethari ghosted her too and then callum GOING O F F. he angy and when rayla runs out callum IMMEDIATELY FOLLOWS (like in a later episode) and comforts her again.

when ethari comes down and breaks the spell and says to callum “trees to meet you too” and rayla’s like “don’t encourage him”

also callum trying to get on the shadowpaw and ethari being Concerned is AMAZING. concerned dad content

i’ll talk more about ezran/ruthari/the dark magic trio in a later ted talk

4. H E R E W E G O

first, rayla clearly being sad and callum picking up on that quickly (he even seems to be almost falling on purpose, perhaps to make her smile?) and asking if she’s ok before being shot down by rayla insisting she is fine. GOD DAMN. THAT HURTS.

second, their interaction with nyx is so amazing. rayla being protective of zym and callum being a DORK is awesome, but also their decision making.

after rayla reluctantly decides that they can go see how nyx could get them across the desert so quickly, they see the ambler and then their reasoning is amazing.

“what do you think?”

“the dragon queen is dying.” and then i forget the rest of the exact quote but they give a subtle nod to eachother. they make their decisions TOGETHER. AS A TEAM. AND THAT’S ON HEALTHY FRIENDSHIPS X2!

third, callum continuing to gently press for rayla to express her emotions. he doesn’t pressure her, but seems to simply let her know that if she needs to talk (when she insists she’s fine), he is there. 

four, MORE FLUSTERED RAYLLUM. YES. TY NYX but also fuck u for taking zym but also ur hot- A N Y W A Y

five. OOOOOOH. MY FAVORITE SCENE.

rayla’s crying and callum tries to reassure her. nyx is plotting, while rayla runs away and callum follows. Y E S.

rayla talks about how there’s nobody left that cares about her and she lost everything.. and then the SPEECH. i have this speech memorized i’ve watched this scene so many times

"JUST SHUT UP, YOU'RE TALKING CRAZY. JUST, LISTEN TO ME. YOU'RE TOO GOOD TO FEEL THIS BAD ABOUT YOURSELF. I KNOW THAT, AND YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT. YOU HAVE TRUE COURAGE, AND A BIG HEART! I'VE SEEN YOU GET KNOCKED DOWN SO MANY TIMES AND EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. YOU GET UP AGAIN. THAT'S REAL STRENGTH. AND.. AND YOU'RE TEN TIMES FUNNIER THAN ANY HUMAN I KNOW! chuckle SEE? SEE YOU KNOW YOU'RE AMAZING. YOU'RE SMART AND FAST AND BEAUTIFUL. RAYLA YOU'RE THE MOST AMAZING PERSON I'VE EVER MET."

LOVE THEMMM

and then rayla kisses him and that’s all that happened. callum was not a dumbass. right? RIGHT???

5. MY FAVORITE EPISODE!

first, rayla saving callum from the soulfang serpents and callum helping her get up is AMAZING, LOVE THAT.

second, callum tryna get a good position and rayla j saying to hold onto her and callum GETTING FLUSTERED. BOY IS PINING also he didn’t have to hold her that close.

“I DON’T THINK OF HER THAT WAY” “YOU AND I DON’T HAVE THAT YET” LIAR.

three, THEM JUMPING OFF THE AMBLER AND. THAT WHOLE MOMENT? THE ROMANTIC TENSION IS KILLING ME

four. DAMN CALLUM RLLY DO BE HAVING HEART EYES @ RAYLA WHILE SHE KILLS LIKE 80 SOULFANGS HE IS PINING PART 2

five. THE SPEECH. THE SOFTNESS. THE KISSES. GOD DAMN. FAVORITE SCENE OUT OF THE ENTIRETY OF TDP. LOVE THEM.

also here you go again

what can i say except YOU’RE WELCOME

6. ANGST BUT ALSO FLUFF ALSO REUNION

once again won’t b talking abt ezran specifically but there’s some passing mentions of him from now on

first, rayla and callum reaching the stone thunder and callum asking “is it... a statue?” and rayla sadly saying “no. it’s not a statue” A. I CRI.

1.5 ayla and callum best dragon parents

i’ll get to an actual analysis later

second, THIS MOMENT IS UNDERRATED EVEN THO IT’S ONE OF MY FAVS why has nobody mentioned the lil tender moment where ezran is by phoe-phoe and rayla puts her hand on callum’s shoulder AND CALLUM PUTS HIS HAND ON HERS. SO SWEET.

third, OK I’LL STOP MOST OF MY UNINTELLIGIBLE SHRIEKS AND ACTUALLY ANALYZE THIS.

callum is upset because of thunder and rayla sympathizes immediately. this is similar to how callum lets rayla let out her own emotions, and rayla is doing the same. he explains how he feels angry, upset, confused, sad, and rayla quickly empathizes. he keeps on venting, not knowing whether to feel regretful, or glad, and how he’s confused because that’s sarai’s spear. he feels sorry that all this happened, but rayla reassures him that zym and ezran are going to break the cycle! that’s hope! and then they hold hands and i screech

AND THAT’S SO FUCKING HEALTHY AND I LOVE IT. THEY RLLY BREAK ALL BAD HET RELATIONSHIP STEREOTYPES (coughbutistillheadcanonthembothasbiandcallumistransilldieonthishillcough)

7. angst but not rayllum angst so its ok

first, they begin to go up the storm spire and i really love their banter. “and i’m guessing the dragon queen didn’t make her den at a nice, halfway kinda place?” “nope. tiptop!”

cuties.

second, ASSDHFNF THE FACT THEY M O C K THE IDEA OF A FORBIDDEN RELATIONSHIP. THEY’RE IN LOVE AND THE WORLD CAN DEAL WITH IT. LOVE THAT FOR THEM

third, RAYLA CATCHING CALLUM. IT’S. NOT RLLY BIG I JUST LIKE IT AND THINK IT’S CUTE HOW EVEN THOUGH SHE WAS ALSO OUT OF BREATH SHE RAN UP TO CATCH HIM. 

four, AHSDHGDHFG THEY DEADASS FORGOT EZRAN WAS THERE. more flustered rayllum i love that

8. FUCK IT’S RAYLLUM ANGST NOOOO

one, ibis is j a good boi. back to rayla and callum

two, rayla going in to see the dragon queen and when she runs out callum QUICKLY FOLLOWS to see if she’s ok. asks her if she’s ok, and she OPENS UP!! CHARACTER GROWTH BABY!!! and then they hold hands and i once again shriek

three, AH. HELLO ANGST.

before we go to the actual angst, can i say that THE LAUGH AFTER RAYLA SAID “STORM SNEEZE” IS SO CUTE. CALLUMS IN LOVE. MY SON.

oh no.

*bonks rayla on the head* nO SELF SACRIFICING!!

although their fight is super angsty and i hate it, it does provide some conflict and more plot because it gives callum a reason to want to find out the truth about rayla’s parents. and then he does! people argue that this fight was unnecessary or that callum was a jerk, but this was needed i think. he did let his worry become a bit of anger, and that was not a nice move, but he knows he fucked up and fixes it!

and then we get soft rayllum this is fine

9. AND YOU THOUGHT LAST EPISODE WAS BAD N O *CRYING*

there’s not much rayllum featured in this ep, but the amount we do get is 80 PERCENT ANGST AND I WASN’T OK WITH IT

first, the fluff! callum trying to do the wing spell and rayla teasing “did you pull a muscle in the middle of a jumping jack?” is so cute. i LOVE THEM. also they hold hands and i SH RIEK again. 

also soren how dare you interrupt callum he was abt to confess

second, callum when he’s explaining the battle plan and his ZAP HAND. rayla is j watching him like “yep. that is my dork.”

and CALLUM SEEMS SO FOND WHEN JANAI CALLS RAYLA THE LAST DRAGONGUARD. PERHAPS I SOB

skipping forward in time a bit for the angst oh no

third, callum going up to the storm spire after ez encouraging him to go to rayla. love that soft brotherly relationship. and we think “oh, soft rayllum, right?”

NO. VIREN’S UP THERE.

fourth, THEY DIDN’T NEED ME TO BE ROLLING ON THE FLOOR WTF. the fact that rayla’s blade went right in front of callum and he looks up and sees zym in danger, viren is there, and RAYLA is there, p a n i k.

and then rayla jumps and the entire rayllum fandom SC REAMS after callum’s “no!” before she jumps and “no, no, no, RAYLA!”

fifth, CALLUM NO WHY ARE YOU JUMPING TOO- oh wait its ok he did the wings and im still crying fuck

THAT CONFESSION THO- i cri tears of joy now. they’re in love

sixth, I J WANNA KNOW WHAT THEY WERE TALKING ABOUT BEFORE EZRAN SHOWED UP. like it’s clear that they’re talking or something, but abt what is the question. also yes they hug and raylas fond

seventh, THEY HOLD HANDS!! soft bbs,,,

AAAND IM DONE! this is. quite long so if you read all of this i hope u have a good day and thnx for listening to me ramble with some coherent thoughts

[autisticmob]

HELLO everyone i am now ten days out from my tiddy surgery so i think while everything is still fresh-ish in my mind I should get a rough timeline of how things went for me, just so anyone having similar stuff done in the future can have it as reference?? 

so under the cut is how shit went down, warning we are gonna be tmi about it for Max Information Dissemination, i will be talking about IV placement, Needles, Bleeding, Bruising, Bathroom Stuff In General, etc. so like. Be Warned.

OKAY SO what did i have done and how did i get it:

- i got a bilateral breast reduction with a “T,” “keyhole,” or “anchor-shaped” incision. this procedure, unlike double-incision top surgery, does not detach your nipples at all, but it DOES leave a decent hunk of breast tissue behind to avoid the nip graft. this connecting tissue keeps your nip attached and supplied with enough blood to survive. that means with this one, theres basically a limit to how much they can take off, and it depends on how big you are to start off with. 

- i went with the T-incisions because as a NB person, I wanted to sidestep the “gender-confirming surgery” route with my insurance. technically, I believe it would have been covered if i had gone through the process of talking to a therapist and getting a note that the surgery WOULD help confirm my gender, but i suspect it would have taken much longer, and I was afraid that my doctor and community resources would not have ended up approving me FOR the surgery since I don’t exactly fit the typical trans narrative. and luckily for me i had Massive, Spine-Bending G Cup Tiddies to contend with. so every doc that took a look at me said “yeah, you need those taken care of for medical reasons.” so i thought hey, let’s see how far this will get me!

- i talked to my primary care doc about my back pain and mentioned i’d like to look into a breast reduction, and she referred me to a local surgeon who could do the procedure. at the time i was still entertaining the idea of double-incision, but as it turned out, this surgeon just didnt do that. but i knew for certain my insurance would cover him, his results were good, and he was local, so i said yes to the T-incisions, which he said would likely get me down from a G to at least a C. it wasnt my ideal scenario admittedly, but frankly the back pain was getting to be too much, and i needed it to be addressed sooner rather than later.

- i had a consultation with the surgeon in early december, and they took pictures and measurements to send to my insurance so they could confirm the tits WERE in fact Too Bomb To Live. Doc said that it varies between insurance companies, but most will have a minimum amount of tissue that needs to be taken off, in grams, from each breast. he was like, “your insurance needs at least 1000g total removed, which’ll leave you on the small side, is that cool?” and i was like “My Man, take AS MUCH as you possibly can, im sick of these” and he was like “cool, makes my job easy then.” 

- it took my insurance like 1.5 to 2 months to get back to me, but late january the surgery place called me and we set a date for february 5th, 2020!!

PRE-OP:

- before i went into surgery, the hospital made me go over my medical history with them over the phone, informed me of all the risks, and gave me a special scrub kit to shower with at home for the last 2 days before the surgery

- fun fact this soap will make your whole bathroom and body smell strongly and exactly like a hospital and it is gross as hell if you hate hospital smell

- i also had to go to my primary care doc to get the OK that i was healthy enough to go under general anesthesia, and also get some blood tests and a urinalysis done. i fucked up the urinalysis tho (which is a whole other story) so i had to redo that the morning of the surgery when i got to the hospital anyway. 

- when i scheduled my surgery they also gave me a list of things i had to NOT DO before i went in. this included stuff like avoiding herbal medications and non-prescription supplements and not drinking any alcohol for like 2 weeks prior to surgery, and not eating anything after midnight the night before surgery.

- then it was SURGERY DAY!!!

- i went in with uhhh a LOT of anxiety about what everything would entail, ngl. i knew i had to do it because staring down the barrel of life with tiddies forever was way scarier than surgery, but yknow whenever you go under general anesthesia they legally do have to let you know that you could die and thats just a lot to consider, PLUS the whole thing involves just, really mangling your torso so like. its a lot! its okay to be scared!

- both my parents went with me for moral support which i appreciated a lot, but i didnt actually see them much since they had to spend a lot of it in the waiting room.

- when i went back with the doc they had me Wash The Tiddy Off with some antiseptic and change into a gown. i got some grippy socks out of the deal which is probably not a universal experience, but this hospital did it so shoutout to them for the socks i guess

- then they asked me all my medical history stuff again and checked me for any like, rashes or open sores or anything. i had some Tit Zits but they did not seem to be worried about that.

- then the surgeon came in and drew lines on me for the incisions. bro when i saw how high up my nips were gonna be i was losing my damn mind. this is one of the really exciting parts, because you finally get to really visualize what your end size is gonna be!! 

- once he was satisfied with how everything looked, they started really Prepping Me For Surgery.

- they hooked me up to a blood pressure cuff, a heart monitor, and some compression leg thingies that would inflate and deflate intermittently around my calves to help me not get blood clots. this felt weird but tbh also like kind of a nice massage

- then the iv placement. bro im not lying when i tell you this is the worst part. the nurse numbed me with some lidocaine before placing the needle and let me tell you that shit HURTED. lidocaine Stings and Burns when it hits and this was arguably the most painful part. but the good news about that is it means nothing else after that is all that bad. and i got THREE lidocaine shots because these two nurses could NOT find my blood anywhere. they finally called in their ringer (an EMT named kirk, s/o to kirk) who got that sucker in my arm with NO numbing and NO pain in like, 2 fucking seconds. i pray you all have a kirk. kirk knows where your fucking blood is and hes not gonna fuck around getting to it because he JUST wrestled a drunk dude into an ambulance like an hour ago and compared to that this is nothing. kirk had sleeveless scrubs. im obsessed. anyway.

- then they put a plastic, inflatable, heated blanket over me? it was between two regular blankets so it wasnt as uncomfortable as you might imagine, but it was strange. warm tho so that was nice.

- THEN they wheeled my bed down to surgery. i was having so much anxiety at this point it was like... dreamlike. getting wheeled into the OR was just surreal. i was like, no thoughts head empty, just taking everything in.

- once i got there the surgical team was very cool about keeping me calm tho. they were playing their like, pump-up music and one of the guys was like “hey fyi about halfway thru the surgery we will be turning the lights off and having a rave, just in the interest of full disclosure. promise not to leave any glowsticks in there tho” and i was like what no i would LOVE glowstick tiddies

- i had to kinda roll from my bed onto the operating table, which was significantly harder and smaller. that kinda made things feel real, so i got a little more anxious at that point.

- to help me calm down they had me breathe in some straightup oxygen thru a mask while they hooked my iv to the fluids and such, and the guy was like “WHOA you got some lungs on you dude” and i was like yeah thanks im recovering from hyperventilating

- then they let the anesthesia into the iv, letting me know the whole time what was happening, talking to me until i was just OUT, which was not a lot of conversation time because i was out in like 5 seconds or less. they didnt make me count down or anything, but i promise you it was nigh instantaneous.

POST OP

- it really was instantaneous. i know everyone says that but it really is the truth, it feels like the whole thing takes seconds. like one moment youre laying there in the OR feeling the drugs Hit, and the next youre waking up in the little wake-up room feelin kinda groggy with a nurse talking to you, and youre still druggy so youre just rambling to her about how fucked your voice sounds right now and as soon as shes contented that youre basically lucid they start wheeling you to your room where youll ACTUALLY stay while you recover.

- THE THING I WAS THE LEAST PREPARED FOR WAS MY THROAT

- your throat will Hurt afterwards, but even more than that, you will be producing So Much Mucus. my surgery took about 2 hours and during that time, all my muscles were paralyzed by the anesthesia, including my lungs, so i was on a breathing tube. my throat, understandably, hated this, and started producing Gallons Of Fucking Mucus to protect itself. it then continued to do this for the next two days or so. the nurses were encouraging me to breathe deep and cough Hard to combat this, and avoid getting pneumonia, so i did. but THAT hurt the tiddies. it was really a vicious cycle. but its necessary because god if i had to have pneumonia on top of all the other recovery shit?? god. 0/10 wouldnt recommend. so it might hurt but dont worry your tiddies wont bust open or anything.

- i spent basically the rest of the day still hooked up to all the machines i listed earlier, PLUS a thing that would beep at me if my heart rate went too high, which it did a lot because i have anxiety, but luckily the nurses didnt seem too concerned. it really kept my breathing on track though because if i didnt breathe deep enough my heart would shoot up super fast and it’d beep and god that was just annoying and im pretty sure that was The Point. you kinda have to get used to breathing again, and the beeping trained me.

- they gave me like a bunch of crackers and a huge mug of water to work on at my leisure. i actually had lunch pretty quick after waking up? i know a lot of people have nausea issues from anesthesia but i didnt experience any of that. i DID move like a fucking sloth while i was eating tho. the pain meds and general grogginess of recovery slowed my whole body down sooooo much. my mom was actually like “are you okay??? like neurologically??????” and i was, totally, i was just. on slo-mo.

- anyway i didnt have to get catheterized for this procedure thankfully but they DID make me measure my pee every time i went to the bathroom. like i had to pee in a little bucket attached to the toilet and the nurse had to come check it every time and i felt really weird about that. so idk just be prepared for that i guess lmao

- also idk if it was the pain meds or the anesthesia itself but post-op, i couldnt shit for like a week. the constipation is real so get u some fucking laxatives asap when you get home, this is not a joke lmao

- they also had me put on a belt every time i got up so the nurse could hold onto me in case i decided to fucking biff it. they got me up a couple times throughout the day/night to walk up and down the hallway outside and get my body used to being upright again

- oh speaking of i never got to lie down completely flat, they had my bed locked at like a 30 degree angle minimum to help with... something. im not quite sure what, but im not gonna question it

- when i got up the next morning they had a couple nurses come in and help me un-bandage so i could shower and finally look at what the tiddies looked like for the first time!! and it was exciting but i didnt cry like i expected lmao i think i was too drained and too distracted by the bleeding

- the bleeding wasnt too bad actually, just little beads kinda coming out of parts of the incisions between the stitches. but once i got in the shower obviously stuff started getting diluted in the water and it looked like a lot more than there actually was, so dont be alarmed by that! 

- SHOWERING: its a little complicated. youre not supposed to soak the incisions, and youre not supposed to apply direct water pressure or actually touch them at this point. so what i had to do was get a washcloth wet and soapy (with antibacterial soap, i think it was hand soap honestly. hand soap’s what ive been using at home so........) and then just kinda. squeeze it at your collarbone and let it drip down over everything kinda minimally. its kind of a process but it works fine. washing your hair and like, tbh literally everything else is gonna be hard. reaching over your head is hard and scary at this point. i will admit my hair care Suffered the first week. 

- then i got bandaged back up and they got me back into my own clothes and ready to go home! they also put a bra on me over the bandages in my new size. i was only there for about 24 hours total, since i didnt really have any complications. 

- on the ride home i had to make sure the cross-chest part of the seat belt was NOT touching me. if whoevers driving you hits a pothole, your soul WILL exit your body tits-first for a moment. im sorry if you live somewhere like here in nebraska where the roads are garbage but its not gonna be fun.

ONCE YOU’RE HOME!!

- i live at home with my mom and sister and if you live alone, id try to have a friend basically move in for the first week. you will need Help with things. basic things. you’ll mostly want to sleep because of the pain meds but those made me pretty dizzy so it was cool having my mom around in case i like. fell on the way to the bathroom and died or anything like that.

- changing bandages is really kind of a 2-person affair too, and youll have to do it at least once a day post-shower, so keep that in mind. 

- the bleeding is like, not that bad after that first day honestly. i never had to change the bandages more than just the once per day. 

- basically from here the procedure is just to take it easy, get up every few hours and walk around a little to keep the blood clots at bay, and enjoy yr new silhouette basically

- worst thing about recovery honestly? im a stomach/side sleeper, and i cant manage anything other than laying flat on my back with my arms at my sides right now, and thats just like.... idk i really cant sleep like that. its not comfy. ive had to set up kind of a pillow fort around me to keep me from rolling over in my sleep bc im afraid i might hurt myself accidentally like that, but idk how well-founded that fear is.

- i will say as someone who did have back problems before this, the difference is IMMEDIATE. i literally had better posture like Day 1. im still a little hunched over because the stitches create a bit of tension in your chest, but like literally it was instantaneous. god. once i got healed to a point that i could like, kinda relax and not be so fucking tense all the time? back pain has basically just been GONE. 

- other fun things to notice: i had some pretty significant stretch marks before, and now they are running in a completely different direction. i crossed my arms over my chest the other day and they actually touched my torso for the first time in like, well over a decade. if i close my eyes and try to grab my tiddy from muscle memory, i stop like a full 3 inches from where my tit actually starts now. the size i am now, just like, freeballing it? this is how i looked when i wore a binder before. if i wore a binder now i imagine id be completely flat, and honestly if i layer up at this point you cant really tell that i have anything more than the average chubby dude’s moobs, which as a kinda chubby person is totally fine. 

its a trip relearning what i look like and what im supposed to feel like but its just. such a fucking improvement over where i was. absolutely no regrets, regardless of how hard recovery has felt at times. anyway i hope this information is at least interesting and maybe helpful to anybody considering anything similar!!

[hey-hamlet]

BNHA AU Ideas : University Professors (in Love)

Also on AO3!

TL;DR:

Due to a long-standing feud between various Law and Science professors, the students from those respective degrees don’t get along very well. What better way to foster some good (or at least non-violent) relations between departments than to start a new science-in-law degree? 

Too bad the Law and Science professors - Yamada Hizashi and Aizawa Shouta, respectively - working on the course together hate each other's guts. 

(Well, until they fall in love.)

Oh and Izuku and Hitoshi are sleep deprived first years running on noodles and Redbull, but what else is new?

this is at a big ass, top tier university

all might is like, the david attenbourgh of this universe but he got injured on set and moved to teaching, he's not that relevant i just wanted to include him because hes a good man

so, aizawa is under all might in the science faculty hierarchy, but not by much considering how young he is. aizawas the animal physiology teacher and does shit tones of research with zoos and shelters for husbandry studies

now, the two big draws of this campus are like the wet sciences and their law section, but the whole campus is pretty swish: like if gatton and st. lucia were connected with land but still as weird as the other.

Now none of you know anything about my uni, so imagine not quite an Ivy League school, but still one of the fancier collages in your state, with a redneck agricultural campus slapped on. But the rednecks are liberals.

Now imagine they are run by the same people

so one of the law lectures retires and they get a new one! its mic! and now aizawa is already pissed. hes dealt with mic before riding his ass in ethics committees and honestly just making life harder for him than it had to be

and the university tells him to reduce the hostility between the two sides of the campus, they are going to be holding some law classes in the animal side and vice versa and aizawa is piiisssssedddd

and then they fucking, start a new animal science/law degree about animal ethics law and aizawa is flipping his fucking lid because all might is already the vet science-vet tech degree co-ordinator and since aizawa is so new, hes the highest-ranking person to not be a degree coordinator

so of course, hes the new degree coordinator

but oh no, nezu isnt done

hes coordinating with mic, and they are the two primary lecturers for the two first, second and third-year compulsory subjects so aizawa is having a mini breakdown rant at allmight in the staff room when mic bursts in to say hello

allmight shoves aizawa in the cupboard and nervously chats to mic as aizawa tries not to make a noise from where he was quickly shoved into a cupboard of skeletons. hes internally saying sorry to the skeleton of that one tutor who donated himself to the uni. mic leaves, allmight helps him out and aizawa is just caught between pissed and flustered tbh

so the science people band together to allow aizawa to drown his sorrows in the nice food on the other side of the campus

and they have fucking, disguised aizawa

hes in one of nemuri's wigs, a pair of sunglasses from snipe and one of the nice lab techs named inko gave him a big puffy coat

and so this pack of science nerds is penguin huddle sprinting to the one ramen shop they all love, trying to hide aizawa from nezu, hizashi, and other random law students/lecturers hes pissed off

so allmight swears he sees hizashi but its nbd he only waves

so they get there, and all give aizawa sympathetic looks and buy him his lunch even though he insists he has money. inko the lab tech is there too bc i love her and she is aggressively mothering aizawa

when they are done they run back to the science side because no one has the courage needed to stop a hoard of sprinting scientists. also: nemuri is the chem lecturer and you should know that

its like the middle of the school year when this starts, so aizawa and hizashi have to scrap together this degree real fucking quickly

even though the both of them have Opinions about the other, they refuse to let their students suffer bc of how poorly planned this was so they knuckle the fuck down and bust out 1.5 years worth of content before the end of the year. they dont do much in person, mostly just emailing

aizawa is softer on mic bc they guy isn't horrific over email. unknown to him mic has developed a full-on crush on this guy

hes like, crying to joke "hes just,,, he wants to do good for his students you know? he isnt just a lecturer for the research money,,, he c a r e s,,,"

the whole god damn science faculty is mothered by the head lab animal tech, inko and they see her fretting about one day, and its turns out this whole fucking time shes had a son and didn't want to say anything bc she didn't wanna impose

(yagi has a big ol crush on her but nbd)

and so shes surrounded by all these nerds asking ab izuku and how old he is, and what he likes to do and they've never seen her happier rambling about her son. She tells them she let slip ab the new degree a little early, and izuku wants to be in it so badly and everyone is real soft

hes graduating next year, so thats even more motivation for aizawa to buck up and make this degree work bc he knows one of the kids now, and from what inkos told him, the boys a good kid

the entire faculty has already adopted izuku

one thing she hasn't mentioned ab izuku is that hes got chronic fatigue syndrome

aka izuku is constantly exhausted, his immune system is a bit shit, and hes in chronic pain that isnt affected by painkillers, other symptoms can just like, pop up, its pretty not understood

anyway, thats the reason izuku wants to get into animal law, not vet practise, bc hes not sure he'll always be able to physically pick up the animals and he doesnt wanna do them like that

anyway, its near the end of the year and its time to set the OP threshold. I have 0 idea how you guys get into uni, but an OP is basically: your grades are ranked, then your subjects are ranked, then your school is ranked by a fancy test. Your OP is the score from 1-25 you get with all that jazz. 1-5 is like: you can do almost anything. 1 is like doctors, vets, law. 1-15 is pretty respectable, under than you might need to do a little fuckery to get into a course.

mic is pushing for like, 10, bc its a new degree

but aizawa isn't having that. op 2 or he wont sign off on it and mic doesnt understand why and aizawa just turns towards him

"im not having animals suffer lower standards than humans. standard law is an op 1. vet science is an op 1. im already making a concession here."

mic swoons a little tbh, they eventually agree on op 5

anyway, izuku has an op 2 so its nbd for him, inko is so proud of her boy! aizawa has a little "thank fuck" moment bc he really did want this kid to get in bc he sounded like a good kid. also, mic's nephew shinso is in the first class! aizawa is actively trying not to remember the kids name so he isn’t a dick to him for 0 reason

there is like a grand total of 80 people in this degree which honestly isnt that bad

super high rate of externals tho, so there are only 50 students on campus

20 students in the campus dorms

izuku is one of them, he was gonna get in anyway but they put him in and gave him a nice first floor room bc making the poor guy walk up and down stairs for no reason is just mean

hes in self-catered bc while hes not super picky, hes allergic to some stuff, and some other stuff makes him sick, so no dining hall

shinso is his nextdoor neighbour. hes in self-catered bc he put his form in late and thats the only spot they had left! he cant cook so save his actual life.

so, mirio is the ra and hes a big soft 4th-year vet, he works out to give the dogs hugs

amajiki is his neighbour he has a cat - i mean - very loud fish (aka: no pets other than fish allowed)

when mirio likes people, he just,,, puts a cat in their face, and insists its a fish until they get it

that cats name is guppy i don’t make the rules

ok so, izuku and shinso meet and bond a bit in freshers’ week (think hazing, but gentle, with loads of games and forced bonding), but shinso is intimidated bc izuku is smiley and social and has loads of friends

and that does a 180 when he gets back to his room after a late-night walk, seeing izuku crying in the kitchen as he waits for the kettle to boil because a hot water bottle is the only thing that might stop his arms from aching

and shinso like, hides bc he gets not wanting people to know what's wrong but from then one he is SUPER protective of izuku

anyway, end of the week izuku confesses that he has chronic pain so he might be a bit grumpy sometimes and shinsou has to be like "oh its nbd" when one day he almost smacked their other neighbour with a piece of frozen steak bc he was making too much noise in the morning when izuku got to sleep really late

on the weekend they play videogames and make popcorn as the other kids go home, and they get visited by inko and Hizashi

inko is mothering izuku and has two very fat rats in her arms that she dumps on him and he lights up

see: izuku isnt allowed pets. but no one said anything about inko

so she got the two softest, dumbest, babiest rats shes ever seen and they live on her desk now. and shinso is like "SONs" and they have rats in their jumpers while all 3 of them play mariokart

hizashi stops by to help shinso cook bc he admitted hes only been eating frozen shit. izuku is gently telling him off bc he could have helped! but shinso is like "no i needed to maintain my cool vibes" so hizashi gently grabs izuku, sets up the two chairs like fluffy thrones and they order shinso around the kitchen like hes a servant

shinso is loosing his actual mind laughing and so is izuku. they force him to make katsu curry and eat it in the kitchen on their thrones while shinso sits on a shitty box fridge. there are more chairs left, hes being extra

so, first day of classes, they have principals of law first, izuku drags his pained ass out of bed and he and shinso make their way to class, both freezing fucking cold holding mugs of hot drink

they sit down

the lecturer is mic

izuku is losing his shit and shinso is like "oh yeah didnt i tell you?" and izuku is trying not to cackle/punch him. he waves sheepishly at mic who waves back with great enthusiasm

mics first class is just

KAHOOT

it’s not even law-related, it’s just random bs animal facts

shinsos name is c a t s and hizashi is losing his mind bc izuku set his name as d o g s r b e t t e r

the lectures r live-streamed so the external students can join in real-time and monomas on the other end like s n a k e

hizashi is losing his actual m i n d, everyone just has variations of their favourite animal

also pwease during this lecture mic is just chatting w the students ab whats going to happen, sees izukus mug of tea and says

"ok and just so everyone knows, please feel free to eat and drink in my lectures, just dont let anyone know i said that

"sir this is being recorded"

"shhhhh"

pls bakugous that one asshole that whips out a full course meal and starts distributing it amongst his squad. bakugo is just a plain law student, but there are some plain law students taking this course as an elective

mic honestly looks bakugo in the eyes, and orders pizza for everyone but him. hes standing in font of the mic so its fucking recorded too. izuku is cackling

ok so, they have an hour break and go to the cafe, inko crashes and smuggles them outside, and gives them the rats

inko and izuku aren't super well off financially bc they are saving for a service dog and its EXPENSIVE, even tho inko makes ok money, husband divorced her bc izuku was sick, izuku has issues, was bullied in school, has had cfs for ages

so inko has these rats bc she "liberated" them from the end of a cosmetics trial she heped nemuri run and nerumi stood infront of the secruity camera and closed her eyes

anyway, next lecture is aizawa's

shinso has vaguely heard ab the guy from hizashi and desperately wants to sit in the back row. izuku has heard ab the guy vaguely from inko and desperately wants to sit in the front row. izuku wins bc they walked in through the lower door and shinso doesnt wanna make the guy walk up all those steps

aizawa walks in, nicely says hello to shinso, izuku and the over kid in the front row, tells the people in the back row that if they think he cant see or hear them from there they have another thing coming, and immediately starts talking ab how many people working in animal-related fields and in law are depressed

izuku raises his hand, while shinso is aggressively trying to pull it down

"yes, kid?"

"what if you're already depressed, professor?"

aizawa pauses, turns off the mic and loses his shit quietly behind his desk, shinso is red and trying to hide, izuku looks proud of himself. aizawa gets himself together, coughs, and turns the mic back on

"seems we had a bit of a technical difficulty, continuing on"

and the whole room loses their shit, and aizawa is grinning like an idiot but his voice is the same pissed monotone as usual

just have to Be There for aizawas lectures like everyone who doesn’t show up is like :///// idk why y’all like him so much he’s kinda boring and izukus like No you have to Be There

in Person

everyone thinks the guy is a boring old man who keeps breaking his computers. in reality, hes like 26, really tired, and keeps losing his shit so hard he turns off the mic so No One Can Know

one time he walked in in hot pink leggings and when he asked "any questions?" ochako (a vet tech student in the class) ask "sir where did you buy those because they look amazing" "the internet, ochako. any other questions."

and bc you cant hear the students all the externals are trying to work out what the question was. it becomes a meme

last day of lectures they all show up in matching leggings. aizawas soft but he Refuses to show them. they fucking found the site he bought them from, all of them have pink leggings in increasingly vibrant shades

shinso's are like, lilac

izukus are eyebleeding, highlighter pink

anyway! mic likes to share the tea from behind the scenes

and so they learn ab the "really sweet department head with a crush on a lab tech" and izuku loses his shit. puts his hand up, and mic says "yeah?"

izuku clambers out of his seat, asks mic to turn the recording off, takes the mic and stares down the class

"that lab tech in my mum and shes smitten for this guy. totally smitten."

'ooOH SHIT REALLY?"

izuku just grins and nods

"ok class, extra credit. can we go through this uni's stance on dating co-workers. anyone who gives me a quick, sighted explanation of whether or not we can hook these two up gets 5% of their final mark, no questions asked"

fuckin, izuku is so on board with this, and tells hizashi he'll leave the assignments on inkos table at home if he wants, the whole class gets so fucking into it

anyway, after all that jazz izuku spots yagi and inko out for coffee together and reports it as a win, the class cheers

as an aside: hizashi is very open ab the fact hes one of 2 degree coordinators but he hasnt mentioned the second

its also very obvious he has a crush on the second, and that hes a little older than them (hizashi is 32, shouta is 26) now, literally no one thinks aizawa is the other

bc hes 26, and wears fucking pink leggings to lectures. hes like, hes baby. hes so small, so young, takes his cat to class in a backpack

its literally only the externals who think he could be bc they think hes like 50. aizawa has the curse of just having great fucking bone structure, hes really god damn hot. half of their love letters pages is people thirsting over him and hes so mad ab it. he doesnt brush his hair and wears dumb clothes but apparently, that makes him relatable or some shit

anyway, hizashi is off-topic talking ab the lab tech that mothers the other course coordinator and shinso sees izuku perk up

they guy has been looking out of it all morning bc hes having a bad day, but wanted to go to lectures. anyway, after the lecture hes scrambles over to hizashi and asks

"oh my god is the other coordinator professor aizawa”

"damn, what gave it away"

"mum mothers him because he never eats and he apparently looks like hes barely 20, which is false, but thats mum for you"

once they get out of lectures izuku is like

"shinso. shinso"

and shinso looks lost

"you know what this means, shinso""

"no. no i dont"

"MATCH MAKING TIME"

[justmikerrss]

to all the boys that will *never* love me:

Dear christian, stephen, mikio, oscar, royce, pat, manny, derrick, mars, gill, rex, max, kevin, and nick -- whether y’all were a crush or someone i saw myself being in a relationship with get ready bc i’m going IN. I’m gonna use this time to rank these catastrophes from level 1 to level 5. level 1 being a crush yenno not so bad or scarring, and level 5 being sad machine playing while the world is burning to pieces like bish you left a MARK on my heart. if you know me i think you know who that person is hahaha

*alexa, please play truth hurts by lizzo*

christian - level 1. lol let’s take a trip down memory lane to my first crush ever!! my gosh i remember being so kilig over this boy in elementary school at st. leander lol it was so obvious. hahaha. your spikey hair and like goofy ass smile i don’t know i was such a sucker for that. the first filipino boy i ever crushed on waow <3 but then I left st. leander and never spoke to you again. you went to o’dowd, i went to sjnd and that was it really. you went to sfsu i went to usf. idk how we ever found each other on insta, but it is so cute to see posts of you and jasmine haha a USF don as well!! the last “convo” (i wouldn’t even call it that) was when i commented on your graduation post and you commented back thanking me and saying congrats too. so happy that your trillest brand is killing it and you know nothing about me anymore but what a great time it was to know you were my first crush ever lol. thanks for this <3

stephen - level 1. lol i left st. leander and moved to sjes and was like ok, who am i gonna crush on now?? hello stephen, my first white boi lol. i knew fosho that you thought i was weird in elementary school like there is a particular time where in church i sat next to you and during the our father you did not want to hold my hand LMAO and that’s when i knew. i stood from afar. touched your thumb for heads up 7 up HAHAHA gosh you were so out of my league and such an asshole tbh. you and nick, forever making fun of me for liking mikio lmfao hate y’all forever. you went to lmu and that was history. lmao you were so mean to me. but all well. you were like not a good person i think i just liked you because of your looks? lol hahaha

mikio - level 2.5. oh my god the epitome of my boy problems in high school lmfao fuck you. jk. but high school mika wouldn’t take that back. oh myyyyy what a FLIRT were you. i had so many fantasies thinking we’d be together, we’d be m&m HAHAH BARF wow, and then you dated mel and it was just like??? then you were my escort but then i was like nope and switched you with ryann LOL suuuuper crazy like I don’t really remember the details of everything but i knew in high school being so kawawa over not being noticed by you. but then you went to davis, slo, and now in sl?? idk where you are now but you had my heart back then (barf) but that was such a long time ago that honestly it doesn’t phase me anymore!! a feeling high school mika wouldn’t have thought was possible. so thank you. i liked you because you gave me little glimmers of hope of like maybe we could be together -- you were nice, flirtatious, close to your family... not afraid to make a fool of yourself for the one you’re interested in. which wasn’t me but again that’s okay! I wrote a letter to you didn’t i? idk what i was doing why was i so dramatic tbh. you did things that honestly weren’t in my control so i can’t hate you really. again realizing that you fit my type so it just, idk

oscar -- level 1. when mikio was being a butt i knew i could crush on you. LOL the hugs, the convos, being able to laugh at anything when you were in the room what a time SJND was when you were there. now you’re in boston with your boo and i’m still really regretful over not being able to see you when i was in boston last year but it’s okay. happy that you’re happy out there :-)

royce and pat -- level 1.5. ah. USF college times man. these two were literally a duo. RA’s of the 4th floor (share yall are silly for assigning that haha) and damn, what a trip it was to crush on you. royce you were a dj so thats how i knew my thing for dj’s came. you both did your jobs at ra’s, pat you were on eboard so i saw your hustle there which i super appreciated. and this is also how i knew filipinos were my type? lol. EVEN THO YALL WERE LIKE WITH BOOS lol i am cursed but yall had hustle, swagger, passion for what you love, and still made time for partying it up and studying. and now i see royce at parties sometimes n i would awk hug him (rip at the phoenix hotel party) and i havent seen pat since he graduated but hes so happy with becca!! so cute. and its cute (and weird) how kierst is happy with royce.

****DJ SPARKY/AGANA/YURI -- level 1. yall are dj’s who i will always cringe at bc of how naive i was at shooting my shot... BUT IM GLAD YOU ALL ARE THRIVING OK LETS DISMISS THOSE BOIZ NOW 

manny -- level 2.5. ahhhhh manny manny manny. my first trip towards using dating apps and matching with someone on TINDER!!! LOL!!!! ok anywho i met up with you for a few times and it was just like... a lot of question marks bc i didn’t really know where my standards were when it came to online dating. we went on dates? but the first time i paid, and the second time you “forgot your card” so i paid again?? and then you walked me to my dorm and kissed me on the forehead?? red alert!! then you kept wanting like a second chance, to prove me wrong and i kept ignoring you bc wtf lmao... then i was foolish to let you into my life again and realized that was a mistake and blocked you again. and now you’re like a bonafide dj living your edm dreams. i saw you at audio TWICE omg rip. i liked you because lol ur filipino, a dj, buttered me up a whole ton which again problematic bc i didn’t see any of it within myself... but its okay mika is better now. better to not be talking to you. but thank you for being my stepping stone into dating apps.

derrick -- level 1. omg at times i forget about you! which i don’t know is a good or bad thing but i don’t think i ever told anyone about you lol. we met on okc, this filipino boi (lol a trend) andddd i went on like two dates with him? one, i met up with him at that one coffee spot near golden gate park. then we walked over to ggp and we just talked and thinking about it now it was very ideal for me to be myself fully, in public if that makes sense. you were so nice and genuine omg. we went to sweet maple the second time around and you paid for the food which was like wow!! diff than manny!! and i remember talking to you about kh and you loving it as much as me. but i got scared because you were like 26 or somn? i was still 20 i think and i was like this dude might be asking a lot out of me...so i told him the “this is on me i don’t feel ready and not sure how i feel” spiel. and that was history. i honestly don’t know what he is doing now but he was really nice. i felt no malicious intentions from me, i just wasn’t ready to move forward w him. the first nice guy i ever let down bruh. ugh.i hope you’re doing well now though.  

mars -- LEVEL 5. fuck me i hate this chapter SO MUCH lmao. so many drunk cries and just cries in general post this whole... like chapter. but lets start off with why i liked you: handsome as hell, close to your family, athletic, hustled, SO MF KIND EVEN WHEN I WAS BEING CRAZY, a great homie and bf quality, gave me the false hope of like “yeah ill see if i can come through” “ill let you know when i listen to this” the forever ILL LET YOU KNOWS but still views my stories and still doesn’t let me know mentality.... you never initiated any of our convos. i was STRAIGHT pursuing you even though i didn’t believe that you’d change your mind about just seeing me as a friend. you made that clear to me from the start but i didn’t take that as an answer LOL which is why i was so crazy to keep hanging out with you... even tho you were super busy and i felt like a burden you STILL made time with me, whether that was peruvian food, or thursday nightlife followed by dancing at a bar together (which i ruined when you took me home and asked you about your love language lmao), souvla, and then our final time of seeing each other: san tung and tpumps. what a fucking few months that was...only to come out of it with another girlfriend with the same name as me. LIKE WHAT. ARE. THE. ODDS. i still can’t believe it till this day. my gosh you were so nice to me mars. such a great homie. and i wasnt empathetic or smart enough to make diff decisions to retain what we had...but im happy that you’re happy with mika. other mika. yeah. man i never felt so in the dark when going through this time, this was so rough. i wasn’t eating, i’d cry in bed for days, it was so bad. i’d like to say that I’m healed from that though. lol to burning the shirt which honestly i should have kept bc it was a cute shirt.. but yeah. thank you.

gill -- level 1. lol you were dumb to think i was attractive enough to dance with at the soulection event. we exchange numbers and i think because i told you i was 21, you backed off. lol guess i was a fetus then. still am. lmao. we text for a bit but then i find out you tried to get into arcilla’s pants?? lMAO. oh and then i see you at that pool party, saw you talking to other girls and i broke DOWN bc i was crossed as hell LOL sorry ate kayla that you had to take me home that day LOL ugh i hate myself for that night. and then i see you right in front of me at OSL. in 2019?? for childish?? that was such weird weird fate. thank god you didn’t recognize me (i had long black hair there, you remembered me with short brown hair plus it was dark). i just thought it was crazy. uhm you had the fuckboy vibe and look on point.. knew everything about soulection. family oriented. but it just fizzled bc i blocked you and then just stopped talking to you lol.

*****chris l/frankie -- level 1. again i cringe at how dramatic i pursued yall sorta as crushes but for sure bc yall were soulcycle and about fitness YES bodies 10/10 and you understood soul. but omg chris pls get ur life together (which is what it seems like ur doing??) and frankie well you’ve been having your life together being married and all so0o0o0 im trash for crushing lmao BUT IM GLAD THATS ALL IN THE PAST AND THAT WE’VE FORGOTTEN i think lmao

rex -- level 0.5. lmfao you were dumb you’re gonna keep looking at me and emily only for me to make the move in letting you know i was interested, follow you on ig, and then you block me?? weirdo. bye.

MY HINGE BOYS </3 

Max -- level 3. oh maximus lmao. we talked for a whole month and what a pleasure it was to text you every day, receive and send memes, curate playlists, be w/ each other at different events... only for it to end after we netflix party/facetime where i don’t feel the kilig i’d feel when texting you. so i told you i wanted to be friends. and then i try to still reach out and be friends, but i got delayed responses to no responses. and now you just, look at my stories? lmao i know it don’t mean shit to look and you recently liked my post, but i feel like i invested a lot into our quarantine reality. you had GREAT music taste (even tho ur playlist was a lil questionable), for all i know you were just telling me things to like get you on my good side, motivated, privileged......... yeah. i hope you find your 5′0 qt rave queen that can go to events with u

KEVIN -- level 1. lmfao honestly you SUCK hahaha even with the benefit of the doubt, it does not take 10 hours to reply...even if you are busy at work NICK AND MAX WERE ABLE TO!!! you were spotty to begin with but then we netflix party and then you dont talk to me anymore after i ask if we could exchange music playlists? i didnt even ask u to be my boyfriend its a fucking playlist.... we talked about music so much. ugh BOYS ARE SO DUMB LIKE SERIOUSLY. hope amazon treats ya right

NICK -- level 4. ugh. ughguhgughgh. i liked you because your profile/resume was all my criteria: music taste A1 bc of bryson, i hated mint chip, i loved spongebob (even tho you NEVER sent me spongebob memes fuck u), you were hapa (he he but fuck u) (i laugh while typing this i am so dum), uhm. yeah. we talked everyday consistently for two weeks. you were such a joy to text bc you were funny (i was funny too), even tho it was hard to keep the convo going w you at times in the beginning because you never inquired about me at times. max did. its like you were better than mars, but not like A+ in replying like max was. you never really flirted with me? lmao i mean even those attempts of me tryna bait you, i always got... friend vibes. benefit of the doubt maybe you just didn’t know how to flirt but you had posts of your past relationship up on your feed so you cant tell me that that exp did not have you pursue a girl and flirt her up. to me, there was no initiative from you. i was chasing you for sure. this dating life is a two way street -- life doesn’t work where one pursues you only otherwise like no. bet if i went the fuckboi approach, gave you lame responds would you have kept the convo going? prolly not bc ur a cancer and want to feel needed. the only thing ill commend you on is when you’d apologize for delays in text messages but then you kinda stopped that. like understand i should also feel like i should be pursued and never did i feel that i felt like you just responded just to respond... like you’re a cancer its in your nature to dive deep and ask deep questions but you never did, you were the type to play video games with your pals LMAO and like/????/? me understanding gamer life i was like YES this boy gets me but like CMON. lol so many things. ok maybe i am reading too into this but this is the freshest heartache :/ you never like told me i was cute or anything like... max made remarks about my looks and you never did. i mean cool maybe you were just vibing off my energy but i just now question if you were actually interested in me? bc i was trying so hard to make you like me. every meme, was a move. you didnt play your cards right!! its like i kept hitting you with plus fours, and then all you’d put down is the same color number card. where was the fun in that? it was super effortless but anxiety filling for me at the same time bc i was convinced that you were the one. :’/ super good news to hear that you wanted to meet virtually literally NO EXPECTATIONS but then monday rolls around, you dont text me the whole day, i check in at 530, you tell me you go to costco instead and want to reschedule bc you thought i was ghosting you????? wtf did u just like expect me to just call u right at 7 and expect u to be ready?? max texted me after work and was like “we still on right?” so i was high key expecting that from you bc 1. show interest and 2. take initiative but you DIDN’T!! so i was honest in telling you how i felt but kept it light and asked to reschedule. you take forever to reply, but when you do you tell me it was silly OF ME to think you were supposed to confirm it which i get i initiated it i shoulda texted you earlier (but what if i had the worst day ever and couldn’t text you??? would you have just let it be and not text me anymore bc you assumed i ghosted you???) you also said that you thought maybe it was too quick to assume that i ghosted you which is YES tru. however i was not going to apologize for not texting you earlier and waiting for you to reply bc boy, that was on you to make a move to double check. if i was in your shoes i woulda texted. that would indicate to me that oh wow this boy is making sure we are meeting and confirming! even drop a hey hows your day you excited for tonight? i made it obvious to hype you up on your photos and everything, you just were like wow your photos are so good! wow i hope you posted that picture! like idk. i kept it light bc i still really wanted to meet you, and just wanted to attribute this small ass thing as a misunderstanding between the two of us but after long hours of making me wait, you decide you don’t want to reschedule because you were unsure of how you were feeling and that you couldn't put your all in and said sorry. no sentiment towards wanting to be friends just a straight goodbye which basically meant, in harsher terms im prolly not as down as you are for me and maybe i am nervous to meet u (idk ill never know if you were) anddd im not interested anymore bc you’re crazy and ME being the womyn that i am ended up being the mature one and said the goodbye hope you have a good life without me text and then our lovestory ended lololol what a great two weeks am i right? honestly maybe you still need to do some growing buddy but relationships are not easy going they are a two way street but also ill never know maybe you were just texting me just to text me and you still wanted to be the nice guy bc you were scared of how invested things would be post call so you call it off and it was just in the moment for you to be down but then have it change on another day.... i woke up in a better headpsace today about how this turned out but like god fucking dammit i had high hopes for you you infj CANCER. *squidward voice* so thanks. thanks for NOTHING (this is when you start your spongebob dialogue of all how to get everyone on board for practicing for the bubble bowl and sing sweet victory)

so, the end LOL basically. to all the boys who will never love me, ultimately thank you for being a part of my life. thank you srsly. thank you for making me exp the pain, the kilig, the uh everything. growing pains these are, but at the end of the day, i hope you have a good life. whether or not we cross paths again this gives me clarity as to what i’m looking for and what i deserve. this goalgetting, resilient, funny, hardworking, awkward but in the best way pinay is a force to be reckoned with!!! she has the best support system out there!!! she has so much to live for because she is determined to not let down anyone counting on her!!!! so fuck u for missing out on that!!!

k. my ideal man list is coming soon. until then... see ya later.

xoxo,

Mika (allison to some)

[lafuerte01-blog]

It Is Only Impossible if you Don’t Try

IM Cozumel 2019 Race Recap

The hardest part of any story is trying to figure out where to begin. And in this case, do I start where my training began in April 2019 or do we start with race week? Or do you call this story, “A Tale of Two Kilgore’s” because (spoiler alert here) – one Kilgore trained her ass off and woke up at zero dark thirty multiple times throughout her 6 month training and had upwards of 6 hour long brick workouts while the other Kilgore just winged it and finished only an hour and a few minutes after the other.  Thinking back, who was the crazier person?  The one that invested time, lost sleep and spent a lot of money training, or the one that did next to nothing and still earned the coveted Ironman title? But I’m getting ahead of myself.

Let’s start with race week. Met up with my coach a few days before heading out of town for the race.  The good news was there was nothing magical that I needed to know.  I already knew it.  I had practiced it weeks and months on end.  I just needed to execute it.  The downside was I was so amped up and just wanted to RACE.  My mind was ready.  My body was ready.  Unfortunately, it was Monday and I still have 6 days to wait.  So I rested.  Or not really “rested” but went from 1.5 hour swims to 45 minute swim workouts.  And reduced my wattage on bike workouts and didn’t run full sprints at the track.  So I had 3 workouts to keep me busy, Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday leading up to my departure to Mexico on Thursday afternoon.

I was never nervous about the race.  I was more nervous about whether or not all my shit would get to Cozumel.  If my bikes would make it unscathed.  If I would forget anything.  Never doing a race of this magnitude, wasn’t sure what I’d need for special needs bike and special needs run.  I prepped a collective 10 hours just packing for the race. And still had to pack for the vacation that followed!  In thinking back, if I could just have someone pack for me, that would have reduced my stress levels 1,000%.  

(Above: all of my OCD packing in action)

I realized during this time there was also no way that 2 bikes and 4 pieces of luggage along with 4 humans would be able to be transported in our Camaro or Altima. People talk about “marathon brain” in terms of forgetfulness during the peak of workouts.  Imagine if I woke up the day we flew out and realized we didn’t have the right cars.  Thankful that my brain was always in overdrive that last week so that I was able to connect with two amazing friends, Kevin and Jonny, to transport us and our luggage in their Texas sized trucks to and from the airport.

(Above: Thank goodness for friends with trucks!)

I learned the night before that my tri-sister Julianne made a sign to send Joe and I off on our trip.  I appreciated her time in making something so badass!

The Flight Out (3 days before the race)

I don’t know how I stumbled upon it but in researching the prior host hotels/resorts and trying to figure out the math for the best flights into either Cozumel or Cancun, I found an American Airlines Vacation package that got us the best flights, direct from DFW to Cozumel with our host resort included. SCORE!  Other options included flying to Cancun and schlepping our things on a ferry to Cozumel. More logistics made for a more stressed out Bethany so obviously the direct option was so worthwhile.  While waiting for the plane, our gate was taken over by families and participants of the race.  Joe joked this would be the fittest flight out that day.  We met up with a couple who were being Sherpas for their friend. We also met up with a lady from California (Lilian) who was hoping to PR this race and get a sub 12:00 (she did! 11:50 was her finish time).  She was with her two young ones and we were happy all our kids were appeased by electronics as it had already been a long day.  

On the plane, Joe ended up switching seats with a family that was separated so the son could sit with his mom.  Let’s face it, he needed all the good karma he could get!  In doing so, he sat next to an IronFamily – Keith and his wife. Apparently Keith got his canisters confiscated at the airport and wasn’t sure where to buy them.  Being the super anal-retentive person I am, I researched and followed every blog and Facebook group related to IM Cozumel and told Joe off-hand during a conversation that if they run out of air canisters at IM Village, we can go to the local tri store called Cabrillas.  Joe relayed that info and Keith was super appreciative.  It’s like they became best buddies that day. And they were buddies the entire weekend to follow- as not only did Joe sit next to him by sheer luck, but Keith and his family happened to be at the same resort.  In the same villa.  Exactly two floors directly below us.  It’s truly a small world.  After arriving in Mexico, we were in a bit of a panic as I found one bike but not the other.  We literally were the last family out of customs because of this one bike bag being separated from the pack.  And it’s not like customs is fast in any way and on top of that we’re on island time so we waited patiently.  

(This is what Cozumel airport looks like when you’re the last one in customs)

On top of it we randomly had to have our bags gone through because that’s what must happen when you’re tired.  So when we exited to get to our shuttle that had been waiting now for an hour and ten minutes, we got accosted by a tour group that posed as a front for our van service.  After realizing they were selling us a tour package, I kindly said no and headed out to our van, curious if it would even be there.  It was.  And after hauling everything into the back we loaded in the van and took in the 25 minute drive through downtown to the resort.  The downtown area was decked out for the race with welcome signs. The island was crazy busy with taxis and scooters everywhere.  I was thankful when we finally arrived at the resort which was away from the hustle and bustle for some authentic, local food and rest.  The family got to experience my favorite cochinta pibil and salbutes yucatecos for dinner.  We had seconds of each.  Dolores was the best waitress by far the entire time at the resort.  We filled our bellies and went to bed.

Friday morning, two days before the race

After waking up, Joe and I assembled our bikes.  It was then that I realized I left a second flat kit back at the house.  If not already familiar, the Kilgore’s have notoriously bad luck at races with flats and spokes but I figured the extra flats I packed would just have to go into my special needs bag and hope I didn’t need a second or third tube before picking up the special needs bag at mile 60 on the route.  

We went to IM village that afternoon to pick up our race packets, find our name on the IM wall, take obligatory photos with the Ironman sign, and look about the IM store to buy all the things.  But since this was an IM branded race co-sponsored with Adeportes, the items weren’t as plentiful as many IM 70.3 races.  And most of it was already picked over.  But maybe that was a good thing because we got out cheaper than if all the things were there.  We obtained our IM wristband, our timing chip, our race bags, all inside a nice IM Cozumel branded backpack along with a nice race belt.  Because Joe is notoriously known for meeting up with random people he doesn’t know, we ran into my FTC teammate Julie Adams and her IronFamily and spoke with them for a while.  He had worn his FTC shirt to go to IM Village in hopes to run into someone; it worked.  

(Above: Awesome name placement)

While at IM village, my brother Brian arrived so the kids and I walked to meet him.  After a brief hello it was about that time that Joe and I had to go to the mandatory athlete briefing.  As we waited in the hot sun, we passed it off as “acclimating to the heat” and saw our IronFamily man Keith there.  Because it was so hot and Brian just landed, we had him take the kids so they didn’t have to be bored out of their minds.  After waiting a half hour or so after the scheduled start for briefing (again, island time) we got into the cool AC building, sat up front, and had a truly enjoyable time meeting our two emcees and announcers for the race. They made a lot of jokes which made for a lighter mood and helped us all feel special for what we were about to embark upon.

SATURDAY (the day before the race!)

I was thankful I spent the 10 hours packing my essentials in advance and took meticulous notes of the contents within (see picture below) because when we picked up our race packets, I essentially just had to place my Ziplock bags into their respective bike, run and special needs bags.   Joe and I got up early to ride our bikes to and from the official swim practice site.   Our bikes were tuned up before the race by Velofix but of course the derailleur was jostled during the flight so my bike had difficulty getting into my middle gears of my big chain.  So I knew after our swim practice I’d need to get in touch with bike tech at the resort. I was excited for the swim and wanted to be able to feel the current that would carry us toward the finish. Unfortunately, my new goggles that I had only swam in 5 times decided to leak during my practice swim.  And there wasn’t a kayak or lily pad for me to rest on to fix them.  These are the moments you need to know how to handle during the choppy start of a swim start anyway.  I pulled off to the side, flutter kicked vertically and tried to adjust my goggles. Still no dice.  After doing a lap with my left goggle trickling in sea water, I decided to get out and reset.  I did a second quick circle swim and things seemed to be ok.  I never got to catch the current and was a bit unnerved that my swim practice wasn’t as great as I expected.  But I got the experience of dealing with unfortunate circumstances and kept my cool.  And it’s an understated important skill not to over exert yourself during a stressful start of a swim before a long race day.

After getting back to the resort, I was thankful to have an onsite mechanic help with my bike and I was relieved to not have to worry about it as again, team Kilgore usually has issues on race day with their bikes.  We still had to transport our bikes and based on our bib number, we were the final group of the day (3:30-5p).  So in the meantime we headed into town to shop at some local stores and shop for souvenirs.  When we got back to the resort, the family headed to the beach while Joe and I lugged our bikes to drop off at bike check-in.   We were the only ones on the bus that picked us up at the resort.  We had time to rack the bikes, get a lay of the swim out portion of the race, our changing tents, and familiarize ourselves with our rack location and bike out.  Joe and I both lucked out that our bikes were racked in the same group; mine was at the front of the rack coming out of the changing tent – Joe’s was at the very end of the rack.  We had a long way to bike out but it didn’t matter – we would just walk our bikes and calm our heart rates to prepare for the long ride ahead of us tomorrow.  

There was a bit of an issue getting the free bus ride back from mandatory bike check in. We waited 30 minutes before even being told there were no more shuttles running to the resorts.   Apparently the bus we rode in on was the last one running but none of the other 10 people waiting with us was told that information.  We met a guy from Cincinnati who graduated from Indian Hill High School- he was there with his wife and they were also doing their first IM race. Also saw Lilian there whom we met at DFW from California doing her 3rd IM.  So after a few of us argued a bit with the IM volunteers about the free shuttle service fiasco, the group won out and we were able to get a bus to take us back to the resort.  It was a minor blip I thought but to be stranded several miles away with no money to go back was a bit unnerving.  Definitely not something I wanted a day before the race.

When we finally returned, we headed out to the beach so I could test out my backup pair of goggles in the ocean.  After doing a few laps in front of the resort and snorkeling with the family, we got showered and met up with my friend Gloria for dinner.  

Side note: you never know what random acquaintance you have from your past may mean to you many years later.  In 1998 I went on a study abroad trip to Merida, Mexico and met up with Gloria Martinez. She was a dance instructor and as part of my cultural studies for 3 months, I learned traditional dances (baile folklorico) and became close friends with her.  We stayed in contact, sent each other many letters and mixed tapes, and here we were face to face again after 21 years.  It was just amazing.  And she would be a MAJOR help and inspiration halfway through the run. I needed her more than I knew. But I’m getting ahead of myself again…..

During dinner Gloria met my family and I got to practice my Spanish while she practiced her English. She gave me a present, a local liquor Xtabentun from the Mayans.  I had remembered having this while in Mexico before and it has a unique taste – liquorish and honey.  In looking at the bottle we have now at home, apparently Joe really likes it – it’s almost gone!  I had my traditional meal before any race, pizza, but wasn’t super hungry.  I realized around 9p I needed to get ready to bed and try to sleep.  It’s common not to sleep too well before a race.  I think I got a solid 5 hours in.  

Race morning

I woke up at 4:20a, 5 minutes before my alarm.  I was ready. Graduation day was here! We asked the front desk the night before when the shuttles would start running; he said 5:30a.  I thought that was late knowing our first transition (T1) opened at 5:15a. Not only that, we had to get to T1 to drop off our special needs bags, set up our shoes and attach our helmets to the bike and check tires for air. And after that had to catch a bus 2.4 miles upward to the swim start.   But again, I trusted the information given.  So after waking and getting dressed and having breakfast, we get to the bus line early only to find out that there’s a big group there already and the race organizers reduced the busses at our resort from 3 to 2.  And the last bus that was coming was the one headed our way – and we were all hoping we’d get on.  Some people were angry and hailed cabs. Others just waited (like us) and hoped to get on.  It was a full bus but we were able to get on and upon arrival we frantically tossed our special needs bags to volunteers, got our bikes set up with nutrition and water bottles situated.  We didn’t top off our tires; we didn’t have time.  We just hoped and prayed they’d be ok.  We walked hurriedly back to the entrance and waited in a ginormous line to catch the busses to take us to swim start.  Met up with Julie from FTC somehow in all the chaos. Again, another issue as we got toward the front, the busses behind us were opening their doors to people waiting behind us so that by the time the busses rolled up, they were full.  Participants were angry and the race volunteers were quick to act.  We squeezed into a bus already full and took a seat at the very back.  I just took deep breaths.  Again, logistics are not fun for me and is super stressful when things get out of whack. Minor inconveniences really but seriously nerve-racking before a long day’s event. I ate another sandwich while taking the bus to the swim start.  Things were going to be ok.  It was then that I realized I had left my UCan back at the hotel.  So I was a few hundred calories under what I had hoped but I also packed a backup sandwich and gel in T1.  And I had been drinking extra water with electrolytes that morning.  I told myself it was going to be ok.

Swim start

Once through the porta pottie line (after realizing they had one for males and females!), Julie and I got on our swim skins, put on Glide and eco-friendly sunscreen (to protect the coral) and tossed our final bag of the day, our morning clothes bag, to the volunteers and headed to our swim start corral.  This being a self-seeded start, Joe and I had strategically decided to put ourselves in the 1:20-1:30 grouping. Julie went ahead as she’s a faster swimmer; we wished her luck! Next time I saw her was on the run – more on that later.

I knew I could swim the 2.4 mile distance in one hour and 30 minutes but also knew the current would be helpful.  We heard the gun go off for the pros and started snaking around our corral toward the front of the pier.  There were drones flying overhead.  We waved. We caught up with the guy from Cincinnati and his wife.  We congratulated them.  Loud music pumping and blaring songs like, “We Will Rock You” by Queen and “Eye of the Tiger.” The pier started to become visible.  I saw people tossing small bean bag sized pouches filled with water.  People were drinking water and putting water on their heads to cool down.  It was 7:40a ish and already warm.  Temps were expected to be a real feel of 90 degrees with little cloud cover.

We were a huddled group of people and the sun was blazing.  I caught sight of the ocean.  It was wavy. Choppy.  NOT like anything we had seen the previous days while on the island. This was going to be fun.  I kept calm.  We were in line with a lady who knew this was our first and saw our watches and told us they only last 14ish hours.  Lovely.  Again, nothing I can do.  I kept fidgeting with my goggles- putting them on and off.  Joe told me to keep them off because they would fog up otherwise. And that’s when I realized I forgot to wipe my goggles with the anti-fog cloth.  Before I knew it, our group was “walking the plank” to the end of the dock.  I placed my goggles on and just like that, I was in the water.  I hit the bottom upon jumping in, not realizing it was shallow, so I bounced up and after 8 seconds, realized I had already pressed start on my watch.  “It’s go time,” I thought.

The swim with all the people and all the waves could have been worse.  I was thankful the swim out to the first of two turns was short.  I saw a ton of marine life.  There was a sign underwater – I couldn’t stop to read it but later learned it said “If you can think it, you can achieve it.”  There were tons of scuba divers watching from the ocean floor. I would have loved to see what that swim looked like from above.  I never got kicked or punched like others on the swim.  I had people swim up on me but they swam around.  I did the same when I came up on others.  I kept with a pack.  I rarely sighted- when I did, there was a huge wave in my face.  I think I only took in one gulp of sea water. At one point I started smiling because I thought my husband was next to me.  It took me a while before I noticed it wasn’t him.   I swam with a pack of people and kept my pace consistent.  I noticed a buoy on my right and thought they were to be on the left so I cut across and in doing so, I caught a nice current.  But after a while I lost people. I saw a kayak.  I was off on my own and in looking the rest of the group was on the left.  So I swam fast to get back with the group.  I couldn’t see ahead with the waves but didn’t want to be so far out on the right, despite the awesome current, to not know where I was.  I kept up with the pack and found some people to draft off of.  I caught sight of a yellow buoy.  It didn’t make sense as most of them were orange other than to distinguish that being the half-way point maybe? I never checked my time or distance on the watch while swimming – I just kept swimming.  My goggles were pretty fogged up by this point.  I got off track again toward the back half of the swim and instead of making a tight turn at the red and final buoy, I instead made a long wide turn to the finish. It’s ok.  I was finishing up and was able to climb the steps up and stop the watch.  HOLY SHIT! I just had a PR swim: 1:23:51.

I took my coach’s advice coming out of the swim, no running – just walk to the changing tent to calm the heart rate down.  I stood for about 15 seconds under a shower to rinse off before going into the women’s changing tent.  My goal was to be in and out of the transition tent in 10 minutes.  I had played and replayed in my head the things to do while in T1.  I ended up doing a full change out from my tri suit and swim skin to bra, bike shorts and a bike top. I had a shower pill towel and a sturdy hand towel to help wipe away any remaining salt.  Salt = chafe and I took a squirt bottle (tip courtesy of Jessica Marchi) full of water and sprayed between cracks and bits.  Once done, I lightly toweled off an put on my bike shorts with Hoo Ha Ride Glide.  I got volunteers to put sunscreen on my body.  Slipped on my HR monitor.  Ate my backup sandwich and drank my water. I just burned about 600 calories on the swim and needed to top off before setting off to ride.  I put on my socks and headed out to my bike.  Got my helmet, clipped it on, got my shoes on and walked the long walk to bike out.  I checked Joe’s bike rack; his bike was still there.  I got nervous.  He’s a better swimmer; assumed he got caught up in the changing tent.  I figured he’d be right behind me in no time on the bike.  Total transition time: 17:02

At the mount line, I was keeping heart rate calm and take it easy.  Even a veteran said everyone goes out fast on the first loop. I had written in permanent market on my leg my metrics for the race: 130-140 power, 78-82 cadence, 135 heart rate. I rode out and set off for a comfortable ride.

The Bike

What I was told to do by my coach was to stop every 20 miles and to pee at mile 40 and 80.  There were approximately 5 rest stops around the island for the 38ish mile loop.  For some strange reason, on my first loop, I decided to hit every single stop and pee at mile 20.  I don’t know why I did this but I realized my error after the first lap when I saw Joe. It didn’t make sense that I was coming up on him around mile 46 when his bike was on the rack when I biked out.  It took a nanosecond for me to realize my error. In hindsight, that extra 2 minutes per stop was ok; I wanted to take it easy.  My HR was averaging 154 and wasn’t budging despite the easy effort.  I attributed it to the heat. I also noticed on the first loop my power didn’t seem to be accurate.  The day before I noticed this as well and texted the coach; asked if that happened what metric to follow – cadence or HR.  Because the course is flat, he suggested both.  I kept true to my cadence and only pushed it when I had to make a legal pass or had to back off when someone overtook me.  Second loop was faster, I know I pushed it but I felt ok.  I ended up grabbing water every 20 miles to top off my bottles and spray myself down (my cooling sleeves, my core, my head).  I saw my brother and kids on the second loop of the bike course; got a shout out from someone there who saw my Hotter than Hell jersey and said, “GO TEXAS!”  The back half of the island was beautiful.  The extra elevation gain was there along with the wind.  Thankful I didn’t have to deal with a lot of wind that day and I knew how to climb hills now so I didn’t let the back half deter me. I got to my special needs bag around mile 60 and reset my fuel. Checked my tires, they were ok so I rode on without the extra canisters or tubes placed within.

The final lap is soul sucking.  You know what to expect which is a blessing and a curse.  The ride through the city was uplifting; you just have to mentally will yourself to the next aide station and hope for some crazy fans out there to support you.  Saw my brother and kids again; got the boost I needed but then had the east side of the island with the hill and unrelenting sun.  I wanted to take in the scenery, the ocean was beautiful and the blue sea mixed with the blue sky only interrupted by the white ocean spray that crested and crashed into the rocky coast.  I noticed the pack was thinning; there was a collective miserable feeling around everyone.  I passed someone and he said, “you’re looking strong.” I muttered something back – I don’t know if it was comprehensible.  I knew I was coming up on mile 90 and after mile 100 every mile after that would be a distance PR.  It was also about this time that I noticed I was getting tired of eating my gels.  No worries I told myself- I had packed a glorious PB&J sandwich in my T2 bag.  I’d have real food soon. And there’d be more on the run course.  I stopped at a final aide station around mile 100 to get more ice and water and sprayed myself down.  The first table there had ran out of water bottles so I had to get off the bike and wait for them to get more water to pour into my bottles.  The bike course was pretty sparse by then and things picked over. By the time I hit the bike in, I honestly don’t remember anything.  I know I was able to get off the bike OK (surprising in and of itself), grab a bottle off my bike and my coach’s bike computer before handing over my bike to a volunteer. Total bike time: 6:49:04.

In the T2 changing tent, I looked around.  It looked desolate.  I checked the time – I seemed to be doing ok.  I asked a volunteer what the local time was.  It was early evening – about 4p.  I had plenty of time.  Did another full change out from bike clothes to run clothes.  Chuckled to myself that I was feeling like Beyonce with all of her change of clothes. I was salt crusted and legs were dirty.  Took 2 shower pills to clean off.  I wanted to clean off to feel better.  I wiped my face.  I put on my hat, my running shoes, my running belt and grabbed my sandwich and headed out to start the final 26.2 miles of this race.  Total time in T2: 19:34.

The Run

I got up and my feet HURT. My arches were super sore.  I walked out of the tent and tried to calm my HR down.  I felt dizzy. I grabbed water from a volunteer but didn’t feel any better.  My watch chimed 30 seconds into the run.  What the hell? I had thought I programmed it for a 90 second run and 30 second walk. NOPE. Forgot the last run I had was programmed from my 30 second sprint track workout and 3 minute walk.  I attempted to change the intervals but my watch said I couldn’t change while an event was in progress. GRRR.  I know what I had to do – this happened at my Houston Marathon where I didn’t have my watch intervals set correctly and had to do it manually – watching the time. It was going to be a long fucking run. While I had PRd my run in Houston that day, this was not going to happen today.  It would however keep my mind “busy” and distracted from the feeling I was having while running.  Funny because all day I was looking forward to the run and now I was trying to figure out how I was going to continue.  Anyone that knows me knows that math isn’t my sweet spot. So my 90:30 run walk intervals weren’t always accurate.  I gave myself grace. Didn’t matter.  Go by feel. Get some food in you.  I tried but my stomach started to heave.  I made it 2 miles by this point and needed food ASAP. I recalled that if I couldn’t eat, to at least chew food and spit it out.  Even taking food into my mouth made me gag.  And my water bottle filled with electrolytes were equally painful to digest. I got dizzy again and tripped and almost fell but by the grace of God caught myself from falling flat on my face. Negative thoughts started creeping in. It was only 2 miles into a 26.2 mile run and I couldn’t eat or drink and was dizzy.  I started looking for a medical tent.  I never saw one.  Honestly – the one time I did see a medic was the last 2-3 miles of my run and by that point, I wasn’t stopping!  In looking around, I saw FTC teammate Julie on her run.  She was running fast; I was walking.  I said hi and she gave me a look that said, “this is miserable.”  She was ahead of me and looked strong. Little did I know she crashed on the bike and was bleeding from her knee. She’s a total badass.  Was that her first loop? Second? Third? Everyone looked fresh and running fast.  I just kept looking at my watch, doing fuzzy math, putting one foot in front of the other.

Along the way, someone asked me if this was a 3 looped course.  I said yes. Knowing that, I was near the turnaround by then and felt better for a bit.  Around mile 6 or so, a supporter saw me and I guess I looked like death warmed over. He approached me as I walked and said, “Drink the flat Pepsi.  Trust me runner. Drink it.  And chase it with a lot of water.  It will do miracles for you!  I know this to be true!”  I looked at him and said I can’t keep anything down.  I was nervous if I drank it I would get sick.  I didn’t want to get sick and get stuck in a medical tent. I just wanted to be done.  But I ran off, got to the next table and took the Dixie cup of flat Pepsi and a small water pouch to chase it.  It worked. I felt better.  The sugar helped.  I tried to eat- still nothing.  Small bits of food here and there that I chewed and spat out.  After the first loop, I felt a bit better.  

I saw Gloria on the run while downtown.  The crowd was festive.  There were still plenty of people on the run.  I would be ok.  After the cheers of the crowd and the noise subsided, I started working on a game plan. That’s when my Garmin gave me a low battery warning.  Shit. Shit shit shit. OK.  New plan – focus on food.  I saw a table with oranges and bananas and pretzels.  I had an orange and it was glorious.  Yes. FOOD! Then I got to the banana. Nope. Couldn’t stomach it.  I nibbled, chewed and spat a half a banana out.  More flat Pepsi and water.  Would grab the pretzels on the way back.  Realized I had to focus on my run/walk intervals if my watch died before I finished the race.  I counted my steps for the run.  336 steps for 90 seconds of running; 26 steps for 30 seconds of rest.  I did this several times before I realized running for 90 seconds was too much.  My body was too weak.  It was getting late and the sun setting. I approached the turn around and looked feverishly for the special needs tent for my bag at mile 13.  I had more food in there but didn’t take it. I grabbed my head lamp but in hindsight I didn’t need it.  I grabbed my light jacket thinking I would get cold as the night settled in, especially with the wind near the sea wall going back into town.  I wrapped the jacket around me and kept running.  Then my watch died around mile 14.  Not that I was disappointed that I didn’t save my watch during the bike, but that I was running blind.  No way to tell if my pace was going super slow or not.  

I saw Joe twice on the run; both times it was when I was going the opposite direction back into town to complete my loops.  He yelled to me, “You’ll finish – you have plenty of time. You’ll get yours.” I wanted to yell back- maybe I did? I can’t recall.  I was in a dark place.  You’d think going into town you’d pick up the excitement.  Mine was the reverse.  I hit my lowest point around miles 17-19.  It was at this time that Gloria saw me coming into town and ran with me. She told me I was doing good. That she was proud of me.  That I have 2.5 hours to finish one more lap. She was willing to get me anything I needed, do anything for me. I knew it was against IM rules to have someone run and walk beside you but I could not tell her no.  Selfishly I needed her.  She was my angel and my saving grace those miles.  As we approached downtown, I told Gloria that she would not be allowed to run with me or be next to me.  Shortly thereafter an IM official came up and told Gloria she needed to let me be.  Gloria asked why and she was told the rule and after giving a very mad face to the volunteer, Gloria wished me well.  

Being as tired and as dizzy as I was, I just wanted to quit.  I felt horrible.  I was right in town so if I wanted to quit, I could just walk up to my family and say, “I tried.”  At one point I humored myself that I couldn’t quit because I had already bought things that said I was an Ironman at IM Village a few days before.  That got me ahead mentally for a half mile or so. But I also just needed to be done. The run was more mental than anything. I had to give myself something to look forward to.  Mile 20. That was the new goal.  I could get to mile 20 and feel fine, I told myself. More oranges and bananas.  I forced a banana down around that time, thinking I could vomit 6 miles and still finish. Still hard to drink my electrolytes so water, water, more water and flat Pepsi when I could stomach it. Spoke briefly to a guy who asked what lap I was on. I said my third.  He was on his as well.  I told him I was just looking for the damned turn around.  He said he was as well.  He looked strong and I told him so and wished him well.  

There was a group of us that kinda stayed together.  We were running and walking around the same pace.  We didn’t talk to each other but it was good to know I wasn’t alone out there hurting.  I could tell my pace slowed.  I didn’t have a damn watch to tell but I knew I couldn’t keep up my pace from before so I ran from cone to cone.  Walked the next set of cones.  Repeat. When the turnaround came, I knew if I got to a 5k I’d be fine.  And I sort of was ok until mile 24.  

Seriously those last two miles were insanely hard.  I strained to hear the roar of the crowd downtown which sounded a lot quieter. Even the loud band that played continuously for hours seemed to have relocated and moved closer to the finish. I needed something to get me by. I saw kind people on the street giving encouragement, “You’re so close!” “Don’t walk, run!” “You’re going to be an Ironman!” “Go, go, go!” That’s when I looked over and saw a medic on her phone. She wasn’t with anyone – just keeping herself busy.  Where the F was she all day? Too late now to stop.  Mile 25.  Was I now going uphill? How long was this corridor?  The band sounded like it was closer now and I could hear a guy on a loudspeaker now.  “…..(inaudible name) ... You Are An IRONMAN!”

My thought process went something like this that last 1.2 miles: drink water. Dump all the food you have stuffed in your tri top bra. Fix your hair.  Make it look like you didn’t just suffer for god knows however long you’ve been out here. And run like hell when you near the finish chute. I walked a good portion of that last mile just willing my brain to adjust to the new game plan.  I inadvertently dropped my water, my lifeline. Damnit! I didn’t want to run with trash in my hand so I jumped a curb and threw it into a trash can and hopped down back onto the course.  Ok.  Jacket is around my waist and I don’t want it.  I’m hot. I can’t toss it.  Damnit – just hold it.  I see a lady on my right who says, “You’ve got this! It’s just around the corner!” and that’s when I started to run.  I mean, run like I meant it.  I saw the red carpet and the lights.  It was a party scene and I was ready to …… sit the fuck down.  But first, that finish line.  That glorious finish line.  I looked up – did that time say 15 hours and something? I thought I was closer to 16 by my walking pace those last few miles.  That gave me a bit of a pep in my step.  I put my hand over my mouth – I started to tear up and then I heard, “That’s my sister!” and saw my brother Brian, Gloria, Kaia and my son Kyler with his hand stretched out to high five me.  It was a brief second but that moment of seeing their faces and getting that final power boost from my son got me across that finish line.  

I heard before I even crossed the finish, “Bethany Kilgore from McKinney, Texas – You are an Ironman!” and then I saw the ramp.  A ramp! I had to go up and down that thing and not fall flat on my ass.  I was depleted of food, water, electrolytes, and was high on adrenaline so by the time I crossed I walked gingerly across the threshold where some kind man grabbed my arm and guided me through the finisher chute.  Total run time: 6:13:01.  Total time at finish: 15:02:31.

Through the chute, my kind guide asked me, “Do you want water? Gatorade?” I said no.  He said, “I bet you’ll never want another Gatorade for a few months.” I smiled.  Then he told me I was going to receive my medal.  Medal placed around my head; a few congrats.  Ok.  More walking. Then he said someone had to get my timing chip.  Great. Next he asked if I wanted food. NOOOOO.  No food.  Ok, so he walked me to get my finisher shirt.  I stood in a daze as someone handed me my finisher shirt.  I looked around and noticed the line to get my finisher photo. Ugh.  I didn’t have the energy to wait.  Everyone looked so full of life.  I wanted to sit.  A nice lady helped me with my things, she fixed my visor which I always wear so low and held all of my sweaty things as I gave a few pained smiles.  I saw the rendezvous spot to meet my family.  I heard my name and got some hugs.  I was super thankful to be done but fell like crap.  I thought fresh clothes and sitting would make me feel better. After getting my clothes and changing (which took eternity with tons of foot cramps), I stood up and met my family on a bench.  I couldn’t talk without fear of getting sick.  I was still dizzy so I wanted to lay down.  As soon as I tried to lay down I started dry heaving. Nothing would come but saliva. I knew I was in a bad way so my friend Gloria sought a medic while my brother and kids waited for Joe to finish.  I got into a wheel chair and was admitted.  It looked like a war zone.  People messed up far worse than me.  People with EKGs on their chest.  Others getting massages from their cramped legs.  The guy next to me screaming from his leg cramp getting worked out.  I had a nurse come around asking if I was allergic to anything – “just penicillin” I said.  She thought it was odd that the three people in bed next to each other were all allergic to penicillin.  A nice doctor came over and said I was going to get an IV.  A nurse came over and stuck my left arm. Nothing.  Stuck my right arm and moved the needle around.  Nothing.  Had to call over someone else to get to my vein and finally got it in on top of my right hand.  I was hot and didn’t want a blanket.  I was in my sports bra and shorts that I had changed into along with my Oofos.  It took a while to get the fluids in even halfway through and by then I started to get cold.  I got an awesome space blanket and neck massage.  I strained to hear my husband’s name called but it was busy and loud in the tent.  I asked if the medic tent was busy now and the nurse said no, but that it was busy earlier – not enough beds to triage people to get in and get assistance. I got word that Joe crossed and was ok.  I was upset that I couldn’t see him cross the finish line but was thankful I felt better at that point.  I lulled off to sleep.

The kind doctor that attended to me let me know the medical tent was closing.  My fluids weren’t all the way done but I was feeling better.  I was thankful to see my family and Gloria waiting outside of the tent.  I felt a LOT better.  I was eager to shower and go home and sleep.  I said my thanks and goodbyes to Gloria and we got a cab.  Back at the resort, I told my brother to see if he could get something salty like fries and chips from the late night snack bar.  He came back with fries and nachos.  I couldn’t eat much but what I did tasted like food for the gods.  Brian let Joe and I go to rest; I miraculously had enough energy to take a shower and rinse out all of our bike bottles before laying my head on the pillow. I looked over at the time.  3:25a. Exactly 23 hours of activity that day.  

Was it worth it? Yes. It tested everything I had.  I learned that Joe crossed about an hour after me with little to no training.  And he didn’t need a medical tent.  But he ran his race; I ran mine.  We did what we each had to do and both became Ironmen that day.  It’s been 5 days; I’m hard pressed to want to do this again whereas Joe is eager to go back next year.  I’ll happily be his Sherpa!

What I’ve learned throughout this experience is that while this is a challenge of three sports for one person to complete, it’s a necessity to have a village of people that help you get to that finish line.  

For everyone that has helped me with any of my training swim, bikes or runs

For the friends that have put up with my insane training schedule and understood that my absence from any social life was temporary (and forgave me when I unintentionally fell asleep at social gatherings when I did go out)

For my daughter who gave me grace when I missed more than half of her soccer games this fall and passed out around 7:30p on the couch during cuddle time

For my son who was patient in getting the adequate drive time in to help him earn his drivers license

Collectively for my kids who allowed their parents to do a race smack dab in the middle of our family vacation

For my coaches who put up with my incessant questions

For my brother’s family for their understanding while they were in the midst of moving into a new home and for my nephew for allowing me to take his dad away on his birthday.  I needed my brother’s help post-race and to have fun with the kids while their parents were out doing a silly race

For my dear friend of 20 years Gloria who trekked across the Yucatan Peninsula and took a ferry to Cozumel to cheer me on for 15+ hours

And for my husband who made all the dinners, made all of the post-long weekend workout meals, and kept my insanity in check….

I thank you all. 

(Above: my new favorite Christmas ornament next to some of my favorite ornaments: my kids, an old Santa - my grandfather’s who died of cancer, my best friend Lisa and I, and a Mexican sombrero ornament from 1997)

Above: The Kilgore’s enjoying a relaxing day visiting San Gervasio ruins on Cozumel island.... post-race