#life sucks and I'm both tired and pissed off about it

[artemismoorea03]

Life Update

Okay, so this is a long time coming. For those who follow me for my Gotham is Haunted or Monkies Aren't Alright series - or any series really - you might have noticed a large gap in posting and this is a mixture of things that hit all at once.

To start out Salem - our black cat went missing in April and we still haven't found him. I'm still holding out hope but aside from my Mom it seems like everybody else has given up on finding him.

Salem went missing on my wedding anniversary and on my birthday my spouse brought home a kitten that was found at his work that we named Ziggy. He was starving, really sick, and not doing well but by some miracle we managed to nurse him to life. A mixture of waking up every couple of hours to give him formula, helping him to go the bathroom, and restarting his breathing a handful of times. Ziggy is now five months old and is thriving to the point that our vet has been surprised by how far he's come and that he's the same cat.

Then, in September I went on a hellish camping trip. One that basically made me loose all hope that I will ever be able to heal my relationship with my father and strained my relationship with my mother even more. Between panic attacks, autism melt downs, being so cold I was physically sick more than once then got yelled at for being 'dramatic', and my father telling me I was being 'too much' for being disabled how I am I just... I was done and I'm still not okay from that trip. Both emotionally and physically.

To add onto that my mom implied that she would be kicking us out of the house because my sister and her boyfriend were moving out and tried to convince me and my spouse to move into the "Mancave" of my creepy uncle which meant that we spent weeks trying to find a house on short notice just to find out that it was actually my Dad pushing my mom to kick us out so they could make more money from renting the house we're living in out to others. When mom realized that we took it seriously and was to the point of being mentally lower than I had been since fuckin high school she took back what she said and promised that unless we wanted to move out we weren't going anywhere.

All of that mixed with the fact that I have been sick for months physically, my vision and hearing getting worse, my mental state still being garbage, and hate comments on some of my work that I've had to delete or push aside has made it really hard to write. I second guess everything I write, and try writing even harder. Hell, I was nearly done with my Kid's Aren't Alright rewrite when I got ANOTHER bad comment and realized a mistake that I knew I would get more hate on and now I'm having to rewrite it all over again.

I'm working myself in circles and I'm just... I'm not okay and I'm not sure how long it'll be until I'm okay again. I'm trying to get back into writing, getting back to my roots and writing more of what I want to write and worrying less about 'canon' or haters but it's hard to write when writing isn't fun.

To my friends that I've kinda brushed off, I promise it's not you. I've gone into my shell a lot and I'm trying to break back out but it's a fight. I'm still in a dark place but I'm hanging on as best as I can with the resources I have around me. I'm not saying there will never be another update (hell, I took a break from writing Gotham is Haunted just to make this update) but I am saying that whatever the update, no matter how small or how lame... be gentle, please? A lot has happened.

And this? What I've written here - is only part of it.

[atxxzist]

sweetest lies | c.s (final)

prev // series m.list

pairing: choi san x f!reader

word count: 13k

warning: smut that i'm not proud of

a/n: it's finally here! only took like 10 years. apology if i missed anyone on the taglist, it's been forever

you know you're probably wrong. but even if you are, you don't wanna hear about it.

don't wanna hear about all the mistakes and choices you're making on a whim because you've already had enough of today.

you wish you were surprised when san is the first thing you see upon exiting your work building. at this point, it's really just irritating how predictable he is.

he showed up, of course he did. all the purposely missed calls and ignored texts practically an invitation--a mistake on your part.

hands in his pockets and a sullen expression on his face as if you've done him wrong, the beating of your heart louder the closer you are to him, whether you'd like to admit it or not.

he looks tired, even if it's evening and the sun is already faltering from the sky; adorned in his messy unbrushed hair and sweatsuit staring at you with eyes a mix of everything from annoyance, sadness, to anger--all of which you don't wanna deal with right now, if ever.

you suck in your breath and stop in front of him, thinking it's way too cliche if you just walk past him only to be pulled back by the grip on your wrist. so you let him talk.

though it feels like the longest stare-off before he speaks up, after finally picking up the hint that if he isn't gonna, you two might as well stand in unpleasant silence.

"what happened?" is all san says, because he honestly can't even begin to think of what to ask first.

why did you ignore all of his calls and texts yesterday? why are you standing before him now, looking the most pissed off he's seen you in a while when you also just sounded the happiest you've ever been in a while?

but most importantly, how did you all of sudden come to make up your mind so fast about the move? he swears, he was so sure just a day ago you were gonna stay. everything from your actions to body language, even if there were hiccups.

even if there were doubts in the smallest things you did or said at times that had him questioning the possibility for a second... he was still willing to bet you'd eventually end up staying.

"nothing happened. i made up my mind. that's it," you tell him, refusing to meet his eyes while doing so, because if you did, it's almost like you knew he's gonna be able to see through the lies.

either way, he sees through it. some of it, at least. standing unmoved in his spot and trying to make sense of everything.

"i just don't understand," he says defeatedly, probably one of the most vulnerable he's ever sounded. "i was really sure you were gonna stay."

and you'd lie if the way he said it doesn't make your heart pinch with guilt a little, inhaling another deep breath and hurling out words deprived of any empathy, "well you thought wrong."

you can tell he's taken aback by your response; the cold shoulder something he can take, but not when it's also met with harsh words he feels he's undeserving of.

"so that's it?" he says, shrugging with thinning patience and a tone no longer friendly and concerned. "you're just gonna leave?"

after everything. after he's tried so hard to change your mind, and after he was so sure he did.

"i guess so..." you mumble, looking to the ground, ashamed but also too prideful to back down now.

an almost never-ending silence sits between you and san until both of your heads shoot to the opening of the door to your workplace, one of your coworkers making a quick appearance before heading to their car.

san clears his throat.

"can i ask why, at least?"

the question brings an even bigger knot to your throat, because how do you even tell him the real reason at this point and not wanna run away after; losing all of your pride and dignity in front of the very boy you spent most of your life despising.

the same boy, who, you realized maybe you didn't hate so much and that you might even hold some more complex feelings for.

"because," you say, trying your best to sound convincing through all the lies you're about to spew, "i-i just think it's for the best."

it's then that san seems no longer angry or in disbelief, his face turning a softer expression that speaks as if he's come to an understanding, really taking your words for it.

"i see..." he says under his breath, staring down at the ground before looking you in the eyes one last time. "if you're sure that's what you really want, then i hope it works out."

your chest constricts just at the scene replaying in your head again; the defeated look on san's face and the eerie, guilt-stricken sensation you felt in the moment all coming back the same as before.

you down another sip of the drink in your hand, repeating the action every time the thought comes back, losing count on both the number of drinks you're on and the time.

occasionally, the irritating music from the shoddy bar does a good job of distracting you when the drinks isn't enough to overpower the mere thought that you're about to make one of the biggest mistakes of your life.

the bar is nearly empty, like if there weren't music playing, you'd be able to hear a pin drop. but you're thankful for the lack of pestering from guys twice your age due to it, given you're in no mood for confrontations.

it's only peaceful for a moment longer when the front door comes bursting and in arrives what seems like a rather large group of people, the chitters drawing yours and everyone else's attentions.

you groan irritatingly and finish the rest of your drink, considering this as the sign to go home for the night as you ring up the bartender for payment.

grabbing your purse and getting off the stool, you don't make it far past the group of newcomers before a familiar voice calls to you.

"y/n?" you hear him through the now hushed music, turning to your side and meeting his wide but calm eyes.

"hongjoong?" you squeak, swallowing the knot.

it takes him only one glance over to conclude you're a mess, and especially in a place he knows you go to in order to relieve whatever stress and misery you're going through.

"what brings you here?" he asks calmly.

"i should be asking you that," you return, gaze scanning the surrounding and people that has turned such a snoozefest place into a rowdy one.

"had a small but successful showing with the band i'm in, so we wanted to celebrate and invited a couple of our close friends," he answers, much to a silence from you, prompting him to ask, "and you?"

"i wanted to grab a drink," you say, trying your best to sound casual but it's like he saw the buffering in your head when you tried coming up with an excuse.

he raises a brow, his response takes you aback. "you wanna talk about it?"

if you had heard such a thing a couple months ago, you would've scoffed and told him to leave you the hell alone. but currently, you're aware you don't have a lot of choices.

it's either you get some company, or rot in your room for the rest of the night. and maybe hongjoong's in a certainly good mood from the previous event that he's willing to hear you out, because despite the unresolved differences between the two of you, he has always been a good listener.

someone you used to come to all the time when you had problems.

after you say yes (with some hesitation and shame), hongjoong excuses himself, making sure to let some of the people he came with know regarding his whereabouts for the next few minutes.

you both occupy a booth in the far corner overlooking the crowd. hongjoong gets water for you and him because he said he doesn't wanna get buzzed just yet, and that you've had enough for the night.

"been a while, hasn't it?" he speaks, the sight of you across from him in some sketchy bar making him nostalgic.

you both used to do it all the time together; frequenting bars and getting drunk off your asses, seonghwa would have to come pick you guys up.

it's been about three years since the last time.

"yeah," you reply, voice low, because the realization hits you that it has been that long.

it doesn't only make you as nostalgic as him, but also downright depressed because while hongjoong has grown within these past years, truly following his passion and making newer, better friends, you're still in the exact same position you were from before. heck, it's even worse now.

"what's with the long face?" he breaks you out of the thought. "rough day?"

you sigh, mumbling, "pretty much." though you wouldn't even have to answer for him to know. he just does, able to read you like an open book.

he nods understandably and lingers on words he's been wanting to say, eventually giving in.

"hey, look, about yunho's celebration party... i'm sorry if i was a dick."

“fancy seeing you here,” a voice from behind makes you snap around, finding hongjoong with a cup in his hand and something amusing in his eyes.

“thought you got too good for this kind of setting.”

the roll of your eyes is apparent, and you don’t bother to hide it.

“i’m not here to get high or whatever, i’m here for yunho.”

“of course you are,” he snides, the tone and attitude all the evidence that you’re just wasting time talking to him, and that even after all these years, hongjoong still holds a little grudge for you.

"i was just... angry and upset at the sudden sight of you after having not seen you for a while and it all came out without much thoughts."

you shake your head, unfazed from the reminder of your encounter with hongjoong at the celebration party.

"no. i understand. not like i was any nicer that day anyway."

another silence ensues, but you know it's because there's so much to say, hongjoong might not know where you begin. you don't even know where to begin.

"i ran into seonghwa a while ago," you start again, following with a chuckle when you add, "i don't know what it is that i keep running into you two."

hongjoong chuckles along.

"maybe faith wants us back together, i don't know," he jokes, but your laughter fades slowly, turning into something of a light smile.

"i do miss being with you guys," you say, locking eyes with him that speaks more than words can.

not just the parties and crazy memories, but the smaller, meaningful moments--listening to the new track hongjoong just produced as you try not to doze off, being forced to help seonghwa build the lego set he just got, and even just doing homeworks and assignments together although you were failing most of your classes.

it was them who tried to get you back on your feet, and them who tried to uplift you when you were at your lowest.

thinking of it, they might've been there for you more than yunho ever has, because after starting college, almost every instances where you were crying or is a mess, either hongjoong or seonghwa, or both, were by your side.

"i miss it, too," hongjoong says. "we're still great friends, of course, but it's not quite the same without you."

because while you had your shortcomings (most of them related to yunho), you were a great friend nonetheless.

you shared the same sense of humor and you just get him, even in ways seonghwa couldn't; the two of you able to go on for hours just debating and talking about stupid shit.

you were also quite tough in your own ways and never allowed anyone to look down on your friends--not seonghwa's nerdy hobbies, nor hongjoong's occasional shitty tracks.

you can't help the wider smile that breaks out from his comment. hongjoong don't know how much you needed to hear just one thing positive tonight, or maybe he does.

"i'm glad you still ache for my presence," you say lightheartedly, bringing out a chuckle from hongjoong.

"don't flatter yourself."

you laugh the comment off, taking a light sip of water and darting your eyes across the room to the group that came with hongjoong.

"looks like you've been doing well for yourself."

hongjoong nods. "i'd say i'm not doing so bad. and you? what have you been up to?"

it's then that the smile on your face falls, hongjoong taking a notice to it right away.

"you look down tonight, and considering you're here, i can only assume you haven't been having the greatest of time. you know you can always tell me anything, but if you're not ready, i also understand," he says carefully and empathetically, the way he always would when he sensed you were upset.

you take a deep breath because though you haven't properly spoken to him in years, you know hongjoong to be the type to carry a secret to his grave.

"it's just..." you begin, "everything's going to shit lately." obviously.

hongjoong doesn't say anything and lets you carry on respectfully, knowing he's unleashed just about everything you've kept to yourself that's been dying to get out.

"you and seonghwa were right. maybe yunho does love me, but he wasn't in love with me. him and minjeong are together now, and i caught them the night of his celebration party. my parents and his are already talking about an engagement dinner and i don't fucking know," you ramble, watching hongjoong's eyes widen at the revelation.

"woah," is all he can say.

"yeah, i know it's a lot to take in and i'm just starting."

"not to be that person that's a know-it-all, but i kind of felt something was going on between them, too. like there was always a weird ass vibe whenever they were together."

"wow," you say, puzzled. "i guess it must've just been me who was a dumbass and didn't see the signs."

"to be fair, you were pretty full of yourself so it doesn't come as a surprise," he takes a jab, knowing you won't take it to the heart.

you just roll your eyes at the remark, but before you can continue the retelling of your unfortunes, he gets to it first.

"but that's not why you're here tonight, currently drowning in misery?"

you go tight-lipped at that, eventually caving.

"it's not."

this time, he leans in and rest both his hands on the table, never breaking eye contact with you and only making you more nervous about the confession that's to come.

what would he think?

through most of the times that you've known him and seonghwa, you practically spent it denying ever developing any sort of romantic feelings for san, even when they teased you relentlessly about it.

so how would he feel when you tell him that same boy is also the current cause of the misery you're going through?

"tell me about it," he urges in a calm and friendly manner that still makes you have to swallow down the tension in your throat.

"what happened with yunho was a couple months ago," you say, "it was hard. of course it was. but it would've been even worse... if not for san." you almost whisper his name.

"he really helped me during the time. it honestly was nice to be able to talk to just anyone about it." because you're sure hongjoong can already deduce the fact you don't have anyone else besides yunho.

"and it was nice," you continue, " until it wasn't."

"and why is that?" hongjoong asks, his tone slightly teasing though you miss it completely, too immersed in the retelling.

"because..." you linger, biting your bottom lip and no longer able to look hongjoong in the eyes.

"because you've developed feelings for him?" he says, like it's the most obvious thing in the world, immediately pulling back your gaze as you can only stare dumbfoundedly.

"it's okay. nothing to be ashamed of." he chuckles, making your brows pinch together. "can't say i'm surprised. did think it was only a matter of time."

"wasn't like i planned to," you say, slightly annoyed, because you have no idea what he meant by his last comment.

hongjoong shrugs. "lots of things in life won't go the way we always plan. you know now."

"but only a matter of time for what? for when i'll like him? i never even considered it until some times ago."

"no. i know that. i meant it was only a matter of time till you returned the sentiment considering he's been hung up on you for so long."

you're now even more confused than you were, answering him swiftly, "hung up? as in he likes me?" the response causing the loudest chuckle of the night to erupt from hongjoong, even if he knows he shouldn't be laughing.

you have such a warped view of love, having it ever being in the form of idealizing yunho, he's also not surprise you have no idea that the reason san follows and pesters you all the time isn't because he's doing it to be annoying and make your life harder but because it might've been the only form to get your attention, and he wants it because he likes you--romantically.

hongjoong caught onto that as early as his second encounter with san.

you have wanted to grab a quick snack and drink before your class in an hour and invited hongjoong along, the both of you caught up in a conversation and forgetting about why you even came in the first place, when a tap on the table makes you forget what you were gonna tell him.

"hi," san greets, glaring down at you and smiling even if you're already exasperating just at the sight of him.

hongjoong met a lot of people at the last party, a few he's already forgotten, but he remembers san fondly mainly because he couldn't keep his eyes off of you all night (and cause you went off on a tangent about him not leaving you alone).

wherever he, you, and seonghwa were going, he found the boy following; if not physically, then always with a watchful gaze.

"i saw you didn't get anything to drink so i got you your favorite," he says, settling down the cup of hibiscus iced tea that you shoot to with lasers in your eyes.

"i don't want it," you blurt, not even bothering to look at him as you say it, because he's done more than enough to annoy you this week alone. and now running into him here, too.

"but i got it especially for you, made with love." his voice high and cheery, paying no attention to the irritation seeping from your body language and tone.

you stand up from the seat with a sigh, telling hongjoong you'll be back and head for the women's restroom.

"what's her problem?" san questions, scoffing and taking the seat you were just occupying. "i was just trying to do something nice."

"i don't know. maybe she's just pissed from a certain dickhead following her around all week," hongjoong says sarcastically, san raising an eyebrow in return before he shrugs it off.

"nothing that i also didn't do the week before."

"a pleasant person you sound," hongjoong quips, the both of them holding a stare-off so strong, the tension could probably shatter glass.

"and you are?" though san says it calmly, there's an edge in his delivery that's testing hongjoong's endurance.

"someone that actually respects her enough to not follow her around like a creep."

san snickers from the comment, a smirk overtaking his face.

"you don't have to act all high and mighty when you're just sticking around for the chance to get laid," san snarks, the smugness and such childishness from a person making hongjoong see red, but he manages to contain himself.

"we're just friends, but you can think whatever you wanna think. something tells me you're dying to be in my position, though," hongjoong bites back, the smirk on san's lips slowly fading at the last remark.

because he's seen it, the way san looks at him and seonghwa with envy and resentment written all over him.

but despite the initial harshness of the encounter, san grew on hongjoong overtime and vice versa.

they weren't close by any means (mostly because you wouldn't have allowed it), but they were able to be within the same proximity and actually have a good time together; the young boy even sharing a few of his interests.

"yes, he likes you," hongjoong says, holding back the amusement as if having to reiterate it to a kid. "why else would me and seonghwa continuously tease you about him?"

"but it doesn't make any sense."

you swear you're not that dense, but you mostly just didn't consider it because of the way san is. he did nothing but consistently went out of his way to irritate you, only until the whole yunho and your sister shenanigans did you start seeing a different side of him.

"plus, if he likes me, then why would he sleep with other girls? flirt with them and kiss them?" just saying it brings back that same queasy sensation, similar to when you saw the girl back at san's place.

hongjoong thinks about it. he isn't san, but in comparison to you, he's had far more experiences when it comes to relationships and dating, so he can offer a theory or two.

"i can't say exactly because i'm not him, but my guess is, he doesn't see it as wrong necessarily because you two aren't together."

"but he's also dated people. he was in relationships," you tell hongjoong more passionately, as if demanding for an immediate explanation to this nonsense.

"people date and are in relationships with others they don't like or love all the time," he answers nonchalantly.

but it doesn't make you feel any better, nor did it answer anything.

"so he's just an asshole and this is a mistake?"

hongjoong sighs and face palms, shaking his head before recollecting himself.

"maybe. maybe not. but one thing for sure is that he likes you, and everything you just asked me now, he can answer it himself."

you let his words linger in silence, picking your head up again when he speaks.

"anything else you wanna get off your chest?"

you bat your lashes and bite your lips before telling him, "i-i also might've told him i'm gonna be leaving for japan although i haven't notified my boss of the final decision, yet."

hongjoong tilts his head and quirks his lips to the side, about to say something when someone in the crowd calls out to him.

"yeah i'll be there in a quick sec!" he yells back.

"it's okay, you can go," you assure, appreciative of his time.

he nods. "yeah, i'm afraid i can't keep them waiting any longer. but hey, i hope you figure things out with san and reach out to me if you want. my number is still the same."

"for sure," you reply with a smile.

"but you good? think you can get home by yourself?" he asks worriedly.

"yeah, i'm good. i can call a cab."

"alright. safe trip," he says one last time before standing up, but you stop him midway with a soft call of his name before he can disappear from your sight.

"i'm sorry... for what i said and did that day," you tell him, looking and sounding as apologetic as one can be, because you truly are.

he doesn't say anything until a few seconds later, the blank expression turning into a softer smile.

"apology accepted. i'm also sorry for that day."

"apology accepted."

going off on your own without letting san know the real reason why might lead to one of the biggest mistakes you'll make. but you're not sure if going to his place right now is the right choice, either.

you make your way to the floor he's on, doing the best you can to shut out any images from the other day; standing in front of his door while your heart beats loudly into your ears and stalling even further to think of what he could be up to at 11 in the night.

he might be asleep, or he might not even be home--or there's a good chance he's relieving the stress of today's event the way you know he would, but you'd rather not think about it.

the press to the doorbell is slow and hesitant at first, but you ring it three times at least, standing still for a good minute; the anxiety and nervousness from before replaced by a strange disappointment that he actually really might not be home.

with a low sigh, you turn your back to the door in defeat, barely two steps out when it flings open behind you, bringing back the nervousness from before as you swallow down the knot.

"y/n?" he calls out, your back still to him.

and oh how comforted you are just to hear his voice again, even if it hasn't even been a full day since you two last talked.

you finally face him with batting lashes as you meet his eyes, seeing his hair is still wet and he has a towel hanging over his shoulder, he was probably in the shower when you came ringing.

"hey," you say quietly, your lips drawing a thin smile because this is really awkward. you've never been in this situation with san before, obviously.

"what are you doing here?" he asks softly. "i mean, not that i'm not relieved to see you, but just that... you know, what happened today." his voice thins out toward the end, like he isn't sure if he's supposed to be bringing it up this soon.

but you're glad he does.

"i-i want to talk to you about it... truthfully, this time," you tell him, biting back for a short second before continuing. "is it okay if i come in?"

he doesn't hesitate to nod. "yeah, of course." moving out of the way and widening the frame for you.

everything is and looks the same as last time you were here, duh, but the air is different. it could be due to the fight this evening, or that there's a clear change in your relationship with san and how you view him.

you don't know whether to stand or sit, fidgeting and watching san walk over and plop himself down on the sofa in front of you, a chuckle escaping him when he catches onto the sight.

"you just gonna stand the entire time, or?" he teases, prompting an eye roll in return as you sit down in the very same spot you've sat plenty of times before.

taking in his body language and treatment of you so far, you wonder if this is just how san is. that he copes in a way that seems as if nothing is really bothering him... or maybe he got over it, you don't know.

he seemed upset earlier, but anything can happen in a matter of hours.

the thickest silence enters only a moment after, and it's only fair you take the initiative since you came to find him, and it was also you that made it a problem in the first place.

"earlier," you start cautiously, "i wasn't in the right headspace at all."

you wait for a reaction from him before adding anything else, afraid you'll bombard him with too much at once.

"it's okay. i could tell something was bothering you, but it bothered me too because i could also tell you weren't being honest."

you almost wanna cower because just him saying it already makes you feel guilty.

"and a big decision like that doesn't get made overnight. you were fine the day before. something big must've had to happen for you to change your mind so quickly, right?" the way he stares so deeply as if searching for an answer; the desperation in his voice is felt and only worsening your guilt.

"yeah, something did happen," you say, not sure where to begin but beginning nonetheless.

his features twist, glaring at you with a mix of sympathy and curiosity.

"is it... about yunho?" he asks carefully.

san enjoys the time he spent with you; even more than he would have thought, and though you both didn't start off on the best path, he sees potentials in the relationship changing for the better--not even romantically (he don't know if that's possible), but to where you two could be friends for once in the 20 plus years you guys have known each other.

for a bit, it seemed like it was finally happening. but maybe in your head and heart, yunho will always occupy a special kind of space he cannot compete with, no matter how hard he tries.

"no," you answer, much to san's surprise, taking a long pause and then finally telling him what made you so upset that you considered moving across the sea. "i saw her when i was coming up to your place yesterday."

you have no idea how he's gonna to take it; if it's something to boost his ego or maybe he'll just laugh it off because it's actually so dumb, but you try to figure which is it gonna be, gaze never leaving his sight.

but san raises a brow as if trying to decipher what you mean, then it hits him.

"nari?" he squeaks.

yes, nari. the one you're sure is with him at most parties, and also probably the one he was with that one time you ran into him coming out of a bedroom looking all kinds of fucked up.

you've seen san with a variety of girls through the years, but she's easily the most recognizable.

san looks to still be in his thoughts, now attempting to piece together what is it about nari being here yesterday that could make you so upset.

and when you see his puzzled expression slowly replaced by a smirk that only gets bigger, you know he's figured it out.

"are you... perhaps, jealous?" he says, the slyest tone ever gracing your ears, raising the temperature on your cheeks as they probably burn a bright pink.

you're blushing because of choi san... just incredible.

when you're still to prideful to admit it, he gets off from where he was sitting and shamelessly throws himself down next to you, making you scoot over as a reflex, but he goes out of his way to close the space between you two.

he's so close now, face merely inches away and pestering you to answer while you refuse to meet his eyes.

"you were jealous, right?" he tilts his head, tone annoying but also flirty.

"shut up," you spit, finally facing him and able to pick up his natural scent from this angle, you actually can't believe you'd even think about how attractive he looks in a moment like this.

his showered hair, bare face, and the proximity that makes the scene much more intimate--

"it's not funny," you add, because the smirk isn't leaving him at all, and now he's laughing, too.

"it's only because i think you're cute," he says, now suddenly swinging an arm around your shoulders and pulling you in even closer. "like i swear, you didn't give a rat ass about me less than two months ago. did i finally win your heart?"

it feels like he's deflecting, so you try your best to ignore the antics, persisting with all seriousness, "so are you gonna explain yourself?" you haven't cracked a smile even once.

the bigger grin on his face mellows out into a softer smile.

"we didn't do anything," he says calmly, much to a silence from you because you're hoping he has more to say than that, which he does. "i had her over because i wanted to talk to her about something."

"like... what?"

he snickers at such coyness that you're doing an awful job at hiding.

"that i think it's best me and her stop whatever we had going on."

you can only blink because it's not exactly the response you were expecting, asking in a low voice, "and why is that so?"

"because i had a good feeling about you, and that you were gonna stay."

it turns so quiet after, you think you can hear the footsteps littering outside the hall; san's answer making you feel all sorts of way, you're not sure how to react.

"i'm sorry," you finally say out loud, the look on san unchanging even through all of this. "it was just overwhelming in the moment and it was as if nothing could make it better... especially after everything."

"it's fine," he assures. "i just can't believe you made such a life-changing decision because of that. is it too late to take it back?" he's a mixture of being absolutely serious and half laughing.

"yeah, about that... i, uh, i haven't told my boss, yet."

because it is big, and it is life-changing, and maybe you were hoping there could be something else that could convince you to stay.

san stares at you in disbelief before he cracks out a chuckle again, shaking his head.

"you're crazy," he mumbles, the comment prompting an eye roll from you.

"you scared me so much," san goes on. "i don't know what i would've done if you really left."

there's a brief stare-off before you blank and move your gaze to the coffee table at the end of your feet, mind suddenly drawing back to the encounter with hongjoong.

"i ran into hongjoong before i came here," you tell him, his head perking with interests. "i was drinking and he came in with his group of music junkies."

san only listens, giving you the space to talk until you ask of him yourself.

"you know what he told me?"

"what?"

you chuckle lightly before you can even get the words out; san watching in amusement and pondering as to what you could find so funny.

"he said that you have liked me for a long time," you say, no longer afraid to look him in the eyes while your heart beats silently but loud to your own ears, hongjoong's words replaying in your head while you await a response.

“maybe. maybe not. but one thing for sure is that he likes you, and everything you just asked me now, he can answer it himself.”

san quirks his lips to the side and shrugs half-heartedly, his relaxed manner tells you he's just teasing you but honestly, san can be hard to read.

then he finally answers, after you're about to open your big mouth again, "i guess that's why i never liked being around hongjoong much, even if he's cool... the guy can be too observant."

he pretty much confirms it without saying so, a part of you relieved and then another now realizing you're gonna have to carry the conversation and decide what you wanna do with this... information. if you even have to do anything.

"since when?" you ask, just a little curious and wondering.

he hums and removes the arm that was around your shoulders this entire time to cross it with his other one as his back falls to the couch.

"to be honest, it comes and goes. but the very first time i remember liking you was actually when i first met you."

even at the age of nine, he thought you were the prettiest girl he's ever seen. the way you dressed and the way you always did your hair, putting it in a high ponytail or a bun; and the way you liked to wear red and black most of the times made it easy to pick you out.

he was too young at the time and didn't know how to go about having a crush on someone, so he might've done a thing or two to piss you off, and it also didn't help that you were an emo ass kid as hard-headed as a rock.

you didn't just treat him that way, but also everybody else. everybody except yunho.

he loves his brother and has more than a civil relationship with him now, but he just never really understood what was it about yunho that made him so special to you.

"i mean, of course, you were mean as hell, but it's complicated," he adds, shaking his head and snickering quietly at the fact.

but you're more fixated on something else he just said, reiterating, "it comes and goes as in... sometimes you would like me and sometimes you wouldn't?"

“yes, he likes you,” hongjoong says, holding back the amusement as if having to reiterate it to a kid. “why else would me and seonghwa continuously tease you about him?”

“but it doesn’t make any sense.”

“plus, if he likes me, then why would he sleep with other girls? flirt with them and kiss them?” just saying it brings back that same queasy sensation, similar to when you saw the girl back at san’s place.

"i guess you can put it that way?" his voice raises in pitch, as if unsure himself. "it's quite difficult to put in words."

"make me understand," you state in all seriousness.

because again, your biggest doubt when it comes to san is his ability to commit to you and only you. even if you wanna believe him, and he's proven himself the past couple of months that he can surprise you in good ways, what happened with yunho and your sister might've instilled some newfound trauma and trust issues.

you watch as he catches his breath and seems to linger on his thoughts for a few seconds more.

he starts, "there were times i really liked you, the feelings can be quite intense. like that one time when we both were dazed as hell and we kissed, it felt surreal. or whenever i think you look super hot in a certain outfit, the feeling also creeps up again. i also enjoy our banters, and pretty much any time we have a somewhat normal interaction, i would also get it."

you listen attentively with your stomach and chest doing something funny just hearing san speak about you this way.

"then there would be those times... times where you would annoy me and i'd think you're a total bitch. like when you insulted me in front of my friends or just the way you'd always flop around yunho like he's jesus or something. plus, my feelings and the chances of it actually happening are two different things, so it not being an exclusive relationship overall made it easy for me to do whatever i want."

“i can’t say exactly because i’m not him, but my guess is, he doesn’t see it as wrong necessarily because you two aren’t together.”

hongjoong pretty much got it spot on, and you suppose san doesn't owe you any allegiance. that would be ridiculous.

"well that's good to know," is all you say, still trying to process everything.

"what about you?" he asks coyly. "when did you start liking me?"

the question takes you aback, always so bold and daring, but now only staring back like a little deer caught in headlights.

"probably when i was most desperate, i don't know," you joke, a chuckle bubbling out of san. "no, but really, i think it's just when you were there for me when i needed someone the most."

you almost wanna cower because just talking about such a thing with san makes you feel cringe and embarrassed, and he sees it all over your face.

"that's nice to hear." he smiles, the sight pleasant to look at; the genuine happiness on him because you're saying so many nice things about him tonight.

there's a quick pause as you both think of what to say next, knowing what kind of questions and conversation usually follows, but not wanting to be the first to say it.

"so are you gonna be staying?" he changes subject, because you might not wanna get to that part, yet.

your eyes sparkles with something mischievous and playful, answering him, "well, i don't have much reasons to leave now, do i?"

he smirks and nods.

"yeah, i guess you don't." his tone changes the next and sounding much serious. "i was happy to see that it was you at the door. i was afraid this evening could've been our last meeting."

the reminder brings back a pang of guilt as you feel yourself shrinking on the couch.

"again, i'm sorry. just still trying to learn how to deal my emotions... efficiently at least."

"no, i understand. in the end, you came back and made up for it."

"i did." you smile lightly. you couldn't have done it without hongjoong.

there's a comfortable silence before san exhales and turns his head toward the kitchen, then back to you.

"have you eaten?"

you shake your head. "no, but i'm good. i should probably get back. i don't wanna be late to work tomorrow."

"i can drive you back, if you don't mind."

given you don't look like you're in the best condition, and along with a rosy scent he's always known you by, there's a whisk of alcohol that you've even admitted to, though you surprisingly look and sound more than coherent.

--

the car ride is quiet but comfortable as you both let the music fill the air. some songs you don't recognize, but it does goes perfectly with the night as san weaves through lanes a little too fast--something you'd probably yell at him for if you were in a more sober state of mind.

but tonight has gone so well and you don't wanna take any chances of ruining it.

he parks just right outside the gate of your parents place, unlocking the doors and snapping to you.

"here it is," he says.

"you not gonna go say hi to your parents or yunho?" you tease, considering his parents place and family is just next door.

"nah." he shakes his head. "it's too late, and i'm sure they already know i love them."

you smile and unbuckle your seatbelt. "alright."

he nods, and you both just sit there for a moment too long; the unspoken words and uncertainty as equally bothering to you as it is to him, but you're not sure how to bring it up.

you just know you don't wanna end the night without talking about it, at least.

"hey," you say softly, your voice quiet and blending into the night while san doesn't look away from you one bit. "i, uhm... i'll think about it, okay? i mean, if you want me to."

you're stammering and sounding the most awkward you've been all night (which is a feat), that san can't help but to laugh it off. and he knows you're not talking about the decision to stay.

"yeah, of course. take your time. you know i'll be here," he assures, always having a way to make you feel secure and listened to.

"i appreciate it," you mumble, sending him one last smile, about ready to head out. "thank you by the way."

he returns the smile and nods. "no problem."

"i'll get going then," you say, opening the door halfway and about to leave, but instead taking a deep breath as you turn to san, which surprises him.

he blinks in bewilderment. "did you--"

then it happens. a quick peck to his lips before pulling away to his stunned gaze, backing yourself out of the car and giggling.

"goodnight," you coo teasingly, shutting the door and waving him off.

it's crazy how just a week ago, there was a chance you were gonna be flying across the sea to go live in another country.

how much more sad and unhappy you felt; as if that was your only option left. but now already feeling two times better with your future looking a little more than just bleak.

you have surely told your boss you're gonna stay; the news a relief to him because it would cost a lot more resources having to find a replacement, as well as provide the proper training.

and you have surely talked to the landlord of the complex you were seeking a while ago that you're gonna take the place, after which she so kindly walked you through all the steps and what documents you needed to provide.

you just finished going over the contract with her the day prior, and all you need to do now is pay the deposit.

you should be able to move in by friday, she said.

when you told your family about the move, you weren't surprised they didn't seem to care all that much--your parents, at least. minjeong visibly took the news a lot harder.

even if you guys didn't have the best relationship growing up and aren't that close even now, the house's gonna feel a lot more empty now, she said. she's gotten used to you being around for more than 20 years now.

but you think a part of your parents are just relieved to finally have you out of the house and start life on your own after being with them for so long. you'd rather think of it that way, but after all, not like it's gonna matter all that much when you are moved out.

you also swallowed your pride and finally reached out to both hongjoong and seonghwa again (you're still a tad ashamed by the events that followed even if hongjoong had given you the green light).

you all have set up a time and place to meet up next month when you all should be available, so that's something to look forward to.

san has been helping you window shop for furnitures, recommending which he thinks is best based on his experiences and whatnot, though you made sure you tell him you want interior as minimalistic as possible.

clean and just overall simple.

you'll be moving most of the things from your current room to the new one, taking your bed that's an actual necessity with, so you'll worry about actually purchasing furnitures when you're finally moved into the place.

as for things with san, it's always a gamble regarding what's gonna go down whenever you do hang out with him.

on some occasions, he'd act completely normal and treat you as a friend similar to before. then more than half the time, he'd flirt and bring up the peck from a week ago, but never going further than that.

you feel as if you're both currently pushing and pulling and playing a game of who's gonna crack first.

"tomorrow," you tell san over the phone, currently ripping everything from posters to every pieces of decorations that might've been there since you were in high school, off of your walls.

it took a day later than expected to process all the paperworks and everything, but you finally received a call earlier that you can finally move in tomorrow on saturday.

yunho must've heard about it from your sister or san, because you definitely did not tell him nor have you even talked to him in a while. but he texted you this morning if you needed any help with the move, to which you kindly declined though thanked him for the offer.

he asked how you were doing and you said you were doing better. that you're excited to finally have your own place and for what's to come after that.

you and san seems close lately, you recall one of his texts at the top of your head.

yeah, a little, you responded.

"i'll be there, definitely," san replies back. "anything for you, my dear."

you grimace at the pet name and scoffs.

"and who said you can call me that?" you throw the things you've managed to gather into the cardboard box on the floor.

"don't act like you don't like it. anyway, i'll be there at 8 a.m. sharp."

"for what you just said, make that 7."

before you can end the call, you hear his laughter from the other line.

--

"and i want the t.v. stand over here... no! over here!" you talk to yourself, pointing to exact spots and ponder just how you want everything to be.

"a little help?" san's voice come from behind you, muffled by the box he's carrying until he plops it down near the kitchen, all out of breath.

"you're a big boy, you got it," you brush off the complaint, walking back to the bedroom and seeing your mattress flat on the floor, already huffing at the thought of having to build the bed frame back up again.

you hear the shut of the front door, san's voice piercing into the bedroom.

"that should be the last of it. for today at least."

you turn to head back into the living room, barely making it through the doorway when you thump against his chest, rubbing your forehead after as you look up at him.

"don't i get something for helping you out?" he says, tone sly and cunning, you don't even wanna admit what it does to your heart.

he's been doing this a lot more often--say things with the slightest innuendos behind them just to get a reaction out of you. or maybe he's trying to see how far he can push now that there's been a change of dynamic. kind of.

but you remain unfazed by his comment, keeping your ground and telling him, "if you come by later, i'll make dinner for you in return."

he looks over your shoulder to the unfinished bedroom.

"don't you need help with the bed frame?"

you shake your head. "i got it. plus, i've bothered you enough for today, so i'll let you go for now."

"i don't mind staying to help."

"no. i need some time to settle in. and, we still got a lot more work to do tomorrow."

he hesitates, but eventually gives in. that it's more about you needing this time to yourself; in a new environment and finally a place to call your own.

"alright. but if you need me, call me."

"i will."

he walks to the door as you follow behind, holding the door open for him while he now lingers in the hallway facing you.

"i'll come by later, though. i'm not forgetting that."

you chuckle and lightly roll your eyes.

"yeah, of course. and bring a drink or two. we'll celebrate."

"for you finally having your own place."

"for me finally having my own place," you repeat, a smile on your lips mirroring san's.

you spend most of the day setting up the bedroom and assembling the bed frame, thankfully remembering where everything goes from the top of your head because you threw out the instructions maybe five years ago.

you unbox everything and attempt to place the decorations where you think they look best for now, shoving all the empty boxes into a corner after for the next morning when you'll have to take out the trashes.

the living room is empty. no couches, no nothing because you haven't bought anything; the area for now only consisting of a rug and a small table you brought from your previous room because you and san need somewhere to sit and eat on.

when you're sure you're done with all the unboxing for the day, you run for the grocery store just around the corner, grabbing a pot, a pan, other essentials, then the ingredients.

it's almost 5 in the afternoon by the time you start cooking, and though it's been a long day, something about it feels accomplishing. being by yourself, cooking in your own apartment and not having to worry about anything else.

it might be too soon to say, but you think you've made the right choice.

as the stew's just about to be done, there's a knock at the door that you happily skip to, flinging the frame open to no one other than san with a plastic bag around one of his arms.

"hey," you greet.

"hey," he returns, taking it upon himself to walk in as if it's his own home, a strong aroma hitting his nose immediately. "wow, it smells good in here."

"i did say i was gonna cook," you say, shutting the door.

"yes, and i brought a drink or two just like you said." he wiggles the bag in his arm, then peeking over the pot boiling on the stove. "whatchu' cooking?"

"kimchi stew," you answer. "but i also bought some ramen just in case."

"that's perfect," he says, walking over and setting down the bag of drinks onto the floor just right next to the small table.

"sorry. i'm still working on getting a dining set." you half chuckle at the sad sight of the current setup.

"this will do."

he works on setting the drinks: two simple bottle of sojus he got on the way here because tonight isn't about having fun or whatever. he wants it to be meaningful, maybe even sweet.

you place the still hot stew in the middle, going back to the kitchen to grab two small bowls and utensils, handing him his and finally able to rest peacefully across from him while the steam from the pot blocks your view of each other.

"so how is it so far?" he asks, being the one to start.

"good," you answer, the same time you go in with a spoon for a taste test.

"feels nice, doesn't it? like you have all the freedom in the world." san does the same, his eyes lighting up when he's able to digest the flavor. "wow. you're amazing, y/n."

you can't help but roll your eyes, still trying to slowly settle into the way he'd just casually compliment you with such sincereness.

"i'm glad you think so. but yes, it is like as if i have all the freedom in the world. for now, at least." you chuckle, and he follows shortly after.

"in a month or so, let me know how you feel again."

you nod to his words, the next minute an air of silence as you both busy yourself with the food and drink.

it's more than past 6, the sky outside turning a darker color and painting the neighborhood more empty.

you're just about done with swallowing the portion of your food when a thought crosses, being the one to start speaking again.

"were you the one who told yunho i was moving?"

he looks up from his bowl at that with blinking eyes, placing it down on the table and shakes his head, his mouth still full.

"why would i do that? then i'd have competitions for who's gonna help you move in."

you laugh at that, placing your utensils down and resting your hands on your lap.

"how's yunho?" you ask, because even if you don't wanna think about it, yunho has been a part of your life. someone you clung onto for a large chunk of it, and it wouldn't be realistic if you were completely over it within just the span of a few months.

you no longer want to be with him, and you no longer think of the what ifs, but it does sting and ache a little when the reminder of the events comes up once in a while.

still, you wouldn't change anything and any regrets you've had, you feel you've already made amends with; only hoping to not make any more.

"he's been doing good," san answers. "the best i've seen from him in a while."

you smile, mumbling, "that's good to hear."

you don't know if you could ever say it to your sister, but for what it is-- whether good or bad, they deserve each other. yunho and her.

they've always been more alike and compatible than you and yunho could ever be and it was something you struggled accepting for the longest time.

"what about you? how are you doing?" san questions, catching your gaze in his. "i know it hasn't been easy."

because san acknowledges it, too. how much yunho meant to you. that you used to see nothing and no one else but only yunho.

"better," you assure, a soft and comforting smile on your lips while you pause and hold the exact words you want to say, letting it go when you feel most ready. "better because of you."

you see san swallowing and his food and the chopsticks he was previously holding now forgotten on the table as he continues giving you his full attention.

"you were there for me when i needed someone the most, and you're still here for me. i don't know..." you practically murmur the last part, shaking your head and chuckling quietly, "i liked yunho a lot because it seemed he was the first person who accepted me for who i am."

you sound like a broken record at this point, but talking about it--your feelings, and especially to san helps you understand it better.

"i was too stupid and uncaring in the eyes of my parents, and too odd and indecipherable in the eyes of everyone else. kind of ironic, isn't it? i hated the fact people judged me without knowing me when i, too, judged you without knowing enough of you."

san listens and he knows this is it. you're pouring all of your heart out with nothing left to hide, whether it's things you've already said or haven't.

you ramble on, "i mean, i always thought some of them might end up liking me if they got to know me, and then that turned out to be true for you, too. i got to know more about you and i do like you..."

san feels his heart caving in, wondering if this might be it as well. a moment he's been waiting so long to happen but unsure if you wanted it as soon and as much as he does.

"is this a confession?" he tries his best for it to come out as light hearted as possible, an attempt to conceal just how on edge he actually is.

there's a pause before you answer, shaky voice and all. "i guess so."

but san doesn't celebrate his victory too early, yet; a "but" coming out of you quick enough to stop him.

"i'm just afraid," you finally admit to him the very thing weighing you down, and why even though you like him, you're just the slightest skeptical actually doing something about it.

"what are you afraid of?" he asks concernedly, desperate to resolve all and any doubts you have.

you take a short breath. "just the entire thing with yunho... i keep fearing the same thing will happen. when i texted you that night that i was going to japan, it wasn't just because i was jealous, but also because it made me realize if i was only replacing yunho with you. i know that's not the case because what i feel for you is different from what i felt for yunho, but i still can't shake it off."

you're talking so fast, you don't even catch the exact moment san's already moved from across you to right beside you, taking your hands into his and looking you in the eyes.

"i promise you that what happened with yunho won't happen with me," he says, passion in his voice wishing for you to believe him. "i will make sure it won't."

and you do want to believe him. end all the doubts and skepticism here, but you also wanna be honest.

"but the way you are, san... it makes it hard for me even if i wanna believe you. you change girls like you change your underwear. how would i know for sure giving this a chance won't be a mistake?"

you can feel the way san tenses up at the harsher words, maybe a hint of hurt in his dull eyes, but he gathers himself rather quickly for his turn.

"i understand. i don't blame you given i don't exactly have the best track record, and i don't know for sure if this is gonna be a mistake, but i do wanna give it a chance... if you want, of course."

he takes a short pause before continuing, "i've never been with two girls at once, and i always broke things off if i don't see it working out. and if i don't want anything serious, i let them know. but i've never felt the way i'm feeling for you right now for anyone else, ever, and it's something that i'm sure of the more i'm with you."

you blink at that, your stomach tightening and breath shallow, the scene much more intense and real than the first night when you two first talked about this mutual interest.

"i always thought that it was because we grew up together, and that definitely played some part, but i also grew up with minjeong and never really felt anything particular about her. i do like you a lot, so let the decision be in your hand whether you want more out of this or not. you already know my answer."

his grip on your hands has become looser with time, the food and drink now long forgotten, the only thing in your mind is the way he's looking at you and how important your next few words are.

"we can give it a try," you slowly and quietly answer, watching san's pupils go wide as he breaks out into a wide smile after.

"thank you," he manages to say calmly and coolly despite his body feeling anything but that.

he places a kiss to the top of your hand, prompting you to pull away in fake disgust and a laughter.

"i guess dreams do come true after all," he jokes, another one that makes you roll your eyes, feeling a little shy all of a sudden.

"well i'm gonna go wash my dishes," you attempt to switch the subject, grabbing your bowl and untensils and head for the kitchen.

san quirks an eyebrow and raises his voice from his seat.

"but there's still so much food left." he stares at the amount left, then back to you, getting off the floor himself to follow behind, watching as you turn on the faucet and completely ignore him.

"oh i know what this is." he smirks, overtaking your hand and turning off the faucet, finally getting a reaction out of you as you snap your neck his way. "you're shy."

you blink, swallowing a quick knot and shake your head.

"i'm not," you say, turning back to aim for the faucet, but san beats you again, a stare-off ensuing with amusement written all over his eyes.

"you are. is it because it's weird we're practically girlfriend and boyfriend now?" he tilts his head.

hearing the terms out loud definitely is weird, you can't even deny the fact, instead nodding your head that gets a snicker out from san.

"yeah, it's gonna take some time for sure." he smiles, and the volume and tone at which he says it almost like he's trying to seduce you.

you've just realized how sensual and close you guys are at this angle. your back against the sink and chest basically rubbing his own as he's cornered you into this state, gawking down at you with a look that makes you wanna cower.

the quietest air goes by with his head only lowering each second, and you realize it, too, that you wanna kiss him just as bad.

with a close of your eyes, his lips is on yours the next, still at first, then slowly moving in an attempt to find the perfect rhythm until you respond.

your hands find itself resting on the counter of the sink as the kiss makes your back dig into the edge. it isn't messy nor done sloppily despite how long san's been waiting for the moment again.

it's rather clean but passionate, giving san a kick back to the night he got to taste you for the first time even if you both weren't in the right state of minds, but it's one he doesn't forget easily.

both his grip has made way to rest at your hips, giving it a light squeeze and it doesn't take long for your arms to come up and around his shoulders, the scene taking a quick turn and you feel yourself losing your breath with each passing second.

when you both finally pull away, you nor san know how many minutes has gone by, only that his hair is already messy and tangled when you haven't even done much to it, and you're still trying to catch your breath.

you're the first to break into a small giggle with san following after, his grip still at your hips and your arms still around his shoulders.

"wow. that kiss already made me hard as a rock," san blurts, breaking the immersion as you roll your eyes.

"yeah, i can tell," you reply, shifting your legs slightly because the entire time, san's boner was pressing down on it.

he laughs shamelessly, proceeding to press only harder because he likes seeing your reaction, and he takes it you're fine with it because you're no longer fighting it.

"tell me, are you the type to have sex first date?" he asks, his head slightly tilted and honestly looking so attractive.

"not really," you answer. "but is this really a first date?" you say it with the tiniest slyness and coyness, a lot of initial hesitation but when you really think about it, there's no reason to not sleep with san at this point.

especially at your age and with the little experiences you have, it's about time. beside, you always hear it's good to know and discover your sexual chemistry with someone in the early stages, because often than not, incompatibilities in that regard can destroy a relationship perfectly fine in other aspects.

"you're right." san smirks, causing a small squeak from you when he snakes his arms aroud your butt suddenly and lifts you onto the counter, but you stop him before he can do anything else.

"wait. can we do this in the bedroom instead? i'd just prefer my kitchen to be, you know... clean, since this is where i cook."

he laughs, catching the way your eyelashes would flutter cutely and nods his head, helping you down onto the floor again.

"thanks," you say, barely able to fix the wrinkles of your pants when he grabs your wrist and leads you to the bedroom, proceeding to throw you down on the bed the softest he can as he hovers over you.

the current position a bit unreal because san never really thought it would happen.

"just out of curiosity," san starts, "have you ever slept with yunho?"

you bite your lower lip and shake your head. "never any penetrations. he always said that should wait till marriage."

it's not that you didn't wanna sleep with yunho, but the other way around it seems. and now you know why.

san quirks his lips to the side and accepts the answer.

"if i did, would you not want to sleep with me anymore?" you ask just for the sake of his response, mirth in your eyes and amusement hanging by your tongue.

he cranks an eyebrow and actually thinks about it.

"that would be kind of nasty, i'm not gonna lie," he says, much to a laughter in response. "so i'm glad that's not the case."

"yeah, thankfully," you say after, teasing him slightly.

the both of you stay still for a few seconds more before san takes it as a sign to lower his lips again to capture yours for another kiss.

he lets his body fall on top of yours gently, his weight heavy but nice as you're comforted by the warmth of his skin that makes you feel even closer to him.

you hear and feel him shift, lifting his left arm off the bed to find the end of your shirt and bury his fingers underneath to where the bare of your skin is.

you can't help the low whimper at the sensation of his fingers crawling on your skin and making way to where your bra is, flinching just the slightest when his entire hand cups the shape of your breast.

he breaks the kiss to look down at your already messy state, whispering, "always wanted to know how these felt." the comment making you bite at your lower lip again, something so alluring about the way he says it.

you take it upon yourself to sit up, san removing his hand to watch you undress your top, the way you do it so sensually and almost teasingly like a scene straight from some porn video.

he's almost too into the sight, he forgets you're actually in front of him all flesh and bones, until you've already rid of everything and calling his name.

your titties out and spilling, the actual thing better than he could have imagined. better than all those times he'd spend trying to make them out and just picture how your actual breasts look.

"fuck, you're so hot, y/n," he hiss, the frustration on him makes you giggle before he latches on with both his hands and takes a dive, one nipple in his mouth and the other one being fondled with.

a moan escapes your mouth at the wetness of his tongue circling one of your nipples, throwing your head back to stare at the ceiling and holding back an even louder moan when he squeezes your other one.

it goes on for a few minute at least; how he switches back and forth between your breasts and hand always on the other to make sure it's not neglected, whether he's groping it or playing with it.

"san," you call his name, his eyes shooting up to look at you with lips red from the service. you don't say anything, instead calmly getting on your knees and breaking the contact with san as he tries to guess your next move.

your gaze moves to his crotch area and he gets the message instantly, smirking in return.

he spreads his legs merrily as you crawl closer, one last look of exchange before you reach for the hem of his shorts, pulling it down along his boxer underneath just enough for his hard cock to spring itself out, his length sitting straight up and making you swallow a knot.

he adjusts himself enough for you to sit yourself between his legs, gaining the perfect access to do what you need to do.

with a careful grip, his cock is in your hold as you're stroking it up and down, observing the sight of him rolling his eyes and looking just so hot; all the more reasons you wanna have sex with him.

he isn't too long in length, but his girth is quite thick and just enough for you.

you get ready to take him in, lowering your head each passing second and stroking it faster until your tongue licks over the tip of his cock and he releases the sexiest moan ever as a result.

one of your hands still grip the rest of his cock while your mouth stays on the tip of it until you're there long enough, tilting your head to lick the side and and coating every inch of it before starting from the top again and taking his entire length in the best you can.

there's tears in your eyes the lower you go, but you also know just when to stop, coming back up just below the tip and going down again, repeating the action until you see san is a groaning mess of pleasure.

nothing but "fuck" comes out of his mouth, his right hand having found itself on a bundle of your hair, helping and guiding you as you give him the blowjob of his life.

he lets go and you pull away after some time, both of you huffing and puffing, smiles crossing your lips when both your eyes meet.

"jesus, you suck cock like you've done it a thousand times before," he comments, because his own is still recovering.

you sucked his cock as if yunho wasn't your only sexual experience.

but you only smirk and shrug, replying mischievously, "i have my ways."

he doesn't have time to think about that right now, though. all he wanna do is be inside of you. fuck you into the mattress and make you feel so good, and he's glad you feel the same with how you're already wrapping your arms around him and pulling him down as your back hits the sheet.

he kisses your accepting lips once more before breaking it to ask you, "you ready?" to which you nod and already starts pushing at the hem of your own pants, san helping you when he catches on, thrusting it until it's off all the way with you kicking it onto the floor.

san catches the light pink lace panties you have on, smiling to himself not long before you also throw that off, now left in nothing but to feel the most naked you have ever been in the presence of someone else.

you can feel san's length brushing the inside of your thighs and it only makes you wanna speed up the process, telling him you're ready.

he creeps his fingers to your opening to prep you up, sticking two in and the wetness already coating him that instant while a low grunt escapes your lips.

he takes it out with a pop and you pant, watching as he gives it a once over on his tongue, clearing all residues off his fingers before gripping his cock for your entrance.

it's suddenly as if you've forgotten how to breathe while you just wait for that delicious and burning stretch, groaning when you feel the tip enter, already leaning your head back as you squint your eyes.

then instantaneously and surprisingly, san shoves in his entire cock, the loudest moan yet leaving you and shortly accompanied by a passionate, "shit!" your arms digging into his shoulders already as you try getting used to the feeling.

your collection of dildos and vibrators nothing compared to the real thing as your back arches when he starts moving.

he thinks you look so sexy like this. under him and taking his cock so well. he'll fuck you, and he'll fuck you good for all those times back then when you'd always say you'd never fuck him.

for all those times you'd hurl insults his way and act as if you don't even wanna be in the same room as him.

but he's going to fuck you good, too, because he wanna love you. he wanna be with you and show you the love he's capable of; hoping this is a start.

he buries his face into your neck while he fucks into you, getting grunts and moans in response and he doesn't stop until he feels himself about to come, removing himself from your neck and hair to see the pleasure overtaking your face; a light smirk on your lips and eyes rolled back.

"i'm gonna pull out, okay, baby?" he whispers into your ear that you nod to, placing a kiss to your cheek after and getting up, pulling out of you and leaving your inside so empty now that you've come to love the feeling.

he pumps his cock a few times before shooting his load onto your stomach, your gaze fixated on it before he grabs both your legs and hangs it over his shoulders, going on to scoot you closer with a grip of your waist.

you're not sure what he's gonna do until you feel his warm fingers rubbing over the entrance of your vagina.

"can't leave you hanging," he says simply, his middle finger especially running up and down, then he slowly enters it along with his index as the sensation comes back even if not as fulfilling as his cock.

he keeps thrusting until your wall closes in on his fingers and a look of euphoria crosses your expression, pulling out sloppily and throwing his body down next to yours while you're still trying to catch your breath.

"how are you feeling?" he asks, moving a strand of hair covering your eyes behind your ear.

"good," you answer. "and you?"

"the best i've been in a while."

you both enjoy the temporary silence with the occasional breathing of the other person, staring back at the each other for what feels like a long time and a smile on both your lips.

san finally sits up and blinks down at you, offering a hand.

"let's go get cleaned up, and make sure you pee."

a relationship with san isn't gonna come without problems and challenges, but you suppose love is all about giving it a chance and putting efforts into it, and you wanna put all you've got and see where this goes.

a/n: welp, girls or boys... i am not happy with it but i'm glad it's over lol. (taglist gonna look mad weird bc it was being a bitch / apology to anyone who got tagged like twice. also removed lots of ppl who deactivated)

taglist: @freeandrealme @shingene @cherrychristie @softie00 @crimson-mia

@hexheathen @lixpixstix @atinytease @turtash @moonseonghwa

@justineasian @sannie-pudding @itsokaytobedumb00 @nerdy-kimchi

@fannyxmh @acciocriativity @mel-the-mad-hatter @diorwoo @devilsmatches

@kyume02 @distvrbia @wonwowzers @endeav0rsb1tch

@sannwa @brown88 @eburneon @hotteokhatyu @yeosangsbiceps

@sankatchu @harusoraa @ad0rechuu @woojirang @revehosh

@byunniebaekhyunnie @nabi-sannie @gugggu6gvai @rockstarsanie

@shakalakaboomboo

@yeosangsbbg @yawnzshit @avantalem @lelaleleb @mountiiny

@svintsandghosts @kkayfan @arinyyy

@nevieatiny @hopefulrascalstatesmantoad

@nescaffei @vixensss @santineez

[bbunnyyy]

All The Stars~ PT.4

BAKUGOU X READER SECRET ADMIRER PT.4

A/N: It's been a while my lovelies :3 Also, this was written before the poll so Bakugou uses the nickname 'bunny' for the reader.

ALL THE STARS PT.1 | ALL THE STARS PT.3

Bakugou gulped as he heard the pairings, heart beating out of his chest. Blinking, he stared right at you, his expression unreadable. You gave him a nervous smile as you walked to the centre of the ground with Bakugou catching up to you.

"There will be two rounds, The first will be hand-to-hand combat with usage of quirks prohibited." Aizawa Sensei spoke through the speakers- tired of his class already.

You looked up at Bakugou as you walked alongside him. You observed his gruff expression and furrowed eyebrows as his shoulders moved slightly with every step he took. His tank top did wonders for his physique- you could almost see the outline of his abs. How wondered what kind of boyfriend he would be. Would he be rude to you as he is with everyone, yet soft and warm behind closed doors? Or would he treat you with courtesy and love in his every action, regardless of who was watching? Would he be the type to be mean to everyone else, a soft spot for you? Licking your dry lips, you sighed. What was it with you and this hopeless romance of yours?

Your gaze didn't falter as Bakugou's mouth went dry. He felt like he'd throw up, throw up the mass of muscle that was beating violently in his chest. You were so dangerous, having this effect on him.

"Holy FUCK. Why is she looking at me?? Do I have something on my face? Is there something on my teeth? Darn it, I forgot to brush after breakfast." Bakugou thought, while his teeth caught onto the rough leather of his gloves, freeing his hands to wipe his sweaty hands on his pants. "Are you okay, Bakugou-kun?" You questioned cautiously, leaning closer into him. You could smell the glycerin on his skin- you wondered what he'd taste like, maybe you could convince him to let you have a little lick? Stupid brain. Bakugou would probably AP shot you into the sun if he could hear your thoughts. Snapping out of your thoughts, You gently placed your hand on his shoulder, looking at him for an answer.

Katsuki Bakugou melted into your touch. Katsuki Bakugou could almost see his future. Katsuki Bakugou could almost imagine how married life would be. Regaining his composure, Katsuki Bakugou cleared his throat to answer you- "It's nothing." He brushed your hand off his shoulder, he was scared his heart would beat out of his ribcage.

You held your hand in your other, feeling like a bother. Of course he's okay. He's THE Bakugou Katsuki. Nothing could phase him. He did look like he was distracted, even if he had nothing on his mind. Your gaze lowered to the ground, spinning on your heel to keep walking.

☾

Bakugou's explosions sent Mina and Kaminari tumbling backwards. The ground underneath you trembled prompting you to plant your feet firmly into the ground as you sucked the inside of your cheek. The dumb blonde wasn't good at teamwork, pissing you off. The force of his explosions had sent you tumbling two times already- how were you supposed to win this match if he wasn't willing to work together? You looked at your feet as the floor under you shook. Uh oh. The floor was about to give way as a pair of warm hands grabbed onto your waist, pulling you back. You watched on as the floor went crashing down, debris creating a cloud of dust and plaster.

Aizawa Sensei pinched the bridge of his nose, instructing Midnight to press the emergency button. Red lights flashed throughout the ground, alerting both the teams to stop and evacuate the building.

"Do you know how dangerous that was, Bakugou?" Aizawa Sensei asked sternly. "I'm sorry, sensei." Bakugou said through gritted teeth, head hung in shame. "Sorry doesn't cut it. What if there were civilians in the building during such a blunder? You caused the foundation of a forty-two-story building. Do you understand the implications of such a HUGE mistake?" Aizawa looked at the four of you and shook his head in disappointment. You and Mina stood shoulder to shoulder, too ashamed to even look at the Erasure hero. Aizawa took a deep breath out. "All of you, Recovery Girl's office. Detention's at 5. Class Dismissed for the rest of you."

The air was tense as Kaminari placed his hand on Bakugou's shoulder before walking away with Ashido, who just shook her head in disappointment. Bakugou's jaw was clenched tight as his nails dug into his palm. Sighing, you walked towards him as the rest of the class filtered out the arena. Bakugou seethed in silence. He was mad, mad at himself. How could he have been distracted? Such mistakes could cost thousands of lives during a real attack. He wanted to punch himself in the face, how could he have fucked up? Breathing out, he looked at you- the source of his distraction.

"What're you looking at? Is there something on my face?" Bakugou snapped, clicking his tongue. "Matter of fact, there is. Oh, wait. You're just ugly." You cringed at your statement. What the FUCK were you thinking. What kind of third-grader insult was that? You were ready to crawl into a hole and disappear. Any chance of any 'romance' with him was dead now. Dead. Six feet under.

In one swift motion, Bakugou kicked your heels knocking the ground out from under you. You yelped and tried to grab onto him, trying not to fall. Bakugou grabbed your waist as he pushed you into a wall, your back in full contact with the cold concrete. This pillar was out of the line of sight of any camera- He knew that. You knew that. You gulped, head swarming with thoughts of what Bakugou was going to do now. His slender fingers gripped your throat. Instinctively, you circled your fingers around his wrist. He caressed your Adam's apple as it bobbed while you gulped. He brought his head towards yours, taunting you. "You wouldn't give me looks like that if you found me ugly, bunny." He said, not breaking eye contact with you.

Bakugou's grip on your neck served as a warning. His red eyes seemed to look through your soul. You should be scared, scared for you life, scared about what he was going to do to you- but here you were, rubbing your thighs together as his fingers pressed against your throat. Bakugou loosened his grip, taking a step back as he pulled his arm away. "Seeya at detention, airhead."

☾

THE ROOM FOR DETENTION was small. The four walls were white, devoid of any vents or windows. The room fit six benches and a teacher's table behind which Hound Dog snored away. You propped your head up with the back of your hand as you played with your pencil. Half an hour ago, Aizawa Sensei had walked into the classroom to write a sentence on the small blackboard-

"I will not be reckless."

Your fingers ached as you wrote the sentence for the five hundredth time. Mina was busy trying to look for a way to sneak out. You looked at Kaminari who was trying to balance a pen above his lips. The pen clattered against the white tiles of the room for the hundredth time as he failed once again. Bakugou slammed his fist on the table in frustration and pulled out a sheet of paper from his pocket. You and Kaminari exchanged a wordless glance and Bakugou cleared his throat to announce that he had sneaked in a sheet of math problems (how sacrilegious) because detention was a 'waste of time'.

"Bakubro, you should've sneaked in a Gameboy or your phone- why math sums? It's the one thing brain numbing-er than detention." Kaminari said, holding his head in his hands going crazy.

"Shut up, nerd." Bakugou sneered. You pulled up a chair next to Bakugou, bored enough to study for the upcoming tests.

☾

Bakugou stared at you as you sucked on your bottom lip, focused on solving the sum in front of you. You looked so cute when you furrowed your eyebrows like that. Mina and Kaminari sneaked out the classroom a long time ago, leaving you and Bakugou alone with Hound Dog who was out cold. Bakugou's elbow brushed against yours- you could feel the heat radiate off each other in the stuffy classroom. You sucked in a sharp breath as your focus broke, batting your eyelashes. Katsuki Bakugou's pen came in contact with your head as you flinched. "Dumb bunny." He sounded out, hitting the top of your head with the back of his pen. "You've got this sum all wrong." He leaned into you, his chest pressed against your arm. Your muscles relaxed instantly- his presence was strangely comforting.

Another hour passed with your bodies pressed against each other, Bakugou helping you solve math sums. He smelled just like burnt sugar, his scent almost lulling you to sleep. "How 'bout we get outta here? It's really fucking hot." Bakugou said, breathing out. His shirt was half unbuttoned, revealing his toned chest as he leaned against the back of the wooden chair. Before you got any words out to confirm or deny Bakugou's suggestion, you found yourself getting dragged out the classroom by your wrist. You almost tripped over your own feet as you tried to keep pace with the blonde.

Bakugou lead you up the fire exit's staircase to UA's rooftop. The sun had started to set, painting the sky a beautiful orange. The soft breeze ruffled Bakugou's hair, reminding you of a wet dog trying to dry its fur. Bakugou closed his eyes, taking a minute to enjoy the cool breeze. You took a seat on the ledge, swinging your legs off the roof. Bakugou followed suit, taking a seat next to you as he placed his palm flat on your back. His hand trailed slowly to rest on your shoulder, giving you goosebumps. Bakugou avoided your gaze, staring at the sunset. Your heart skipped a beat as you gathered the courage to lean into Bakugou, resting your head on his shoulder.

.

.

"There's something I want to tell you, Bakugou-kun." You admit. "Mm, What is it?" Bakugou asks, glancing at you. "Actually, I.."

PT.5 will be out in the next few days hehe TAGLIST: @marslikeswildflowers @lovra974 @kawliflo @shyshybabyy @sikuthealien @mirophobic @nemisimp @i-simp-to-much

Thank you for keeping up with the series~

[atarathegreat]

Draken. Petty. Hair. DO IT.

Suck toes.

Ken Ryuguji x reader

What happens when gang member has a bad week and wakes up in a sour mood...alone?

Each day was as shitty as the last. If it wasn't the little annoyance of Mikey falling asleep after eating or making Kenny carry him around it was another gang trying to get on Toman turf or some brats picking a fight with him. Kenny felt like he couldn't catch a break, and just then was no different.

"Get lost, punk. I'm not in the mood today!" Draken growled, Mikey asleep on his back as he walked. It was just the perfect moment for the first year to get his ass beat. God, if Kenny could just put Mikey on the sidewalk and leave this whole mess to the unconscious boy. Though, he'd never leave his friend to handle his problems, even if Mikey could handle it. "Oh, is the big bad Draken afraid to fight a kid?" The little shit cackled. Cackled!

Kenny carefully put Mikey on the nearby bench, more pissed than he had been that whole week. "Your fuckin' funeral, brat."

He knew he was an amazing fighter, so he wasn't worried about him. Draken was, however, worried about how hard he was going to hit the boy. He went for a decent hit, sending the kid back a little bit and turning to grab Mikey. There was no need to double check the kid, it was obvious that he was out cold. "You owe me, Mikey." Kenny grumbled. Already that day had been filled with more fights than he liked.

And it didn't get any better when they got to the gang meeting. Peh-Yan was in a mood, meaning Pah-Chin was in a mood and they were picking fights with people left and right. As vice commander Draken had to deal with that. Nahoya was getting fired up because of Pah and Peh. As vice commander he had to handle it. Someone started an all out brawl in the middle of the crowd, and when Kenny went to break it up with the captains his head jerked back from a hit to the nose. It pissed him off to the point he had to leave the meeting.

Why were people all over him? Couldn't he catch a damn break? Didn't he earn some peace and quiet? It was stupid and Kenny was tired of being the person everyone ran after. It almost made him wish he'd dropped the gang shit when he was younger, and it wasn't any better when he returned home.

"Where have you been, Ken?" One of the ladies was already standing at the check in desk of the brothel, "It's late, you know?"

"Tch, get off my ass, okay? M'not in the mood." Draken walked past her. She grabbed hold of his shirt collar, tutting as she pulled him back, "C'mon now, young man, don't talk to me like that. I helped raise your ungrateful ass that I'm on."

He'd had enough, snapping at her for the first time, "Then maybe you shouldn't have! Ever think about that? Or are you too busy thinking about yelling at me when I come home?"

They both paused, Kenny staring angrily at her. He wasn't mad at anyone but himself in that moment, and stormed back past her and to the elevator.

It wasn't her fault he was having a bad week, and she was just being worried about where he'd been running off to so late. He sighed, knowing he'd get that later. She had been the one to primarily raise him, cared for him despite not being obligated to. She'd taught him to walk and talk, helped him learn to shave his face without really knowing how to herself. Kenny slammed a palm into his head as he thought about everything she'd done for him, but it didn't matter. He'd already snapped at her and couldn't bring himself to so much as text her.

There was only one place he could go anymore that wasn't going to make him feel guilty or pissed off, unless she'd had a shit day as well. It was worth it to at least see, and if he left quickly even more pissed off, then whatever.

But, heaven and earth, if he didn't feel a little bit of the weight fall from his shoulders when she answered the door. Her startled smile was still brighter than anything he'd faced his whole life, "Ken-Chin? Is everything okay?" All he had to do was shake his head and fall into a hug. She chuckled, her smaller body supporting the weight of the world that rested on Kenny.

"I can't do it, this week has sucked ass and I can't handle this shit." Kenny followed her inside like a lost and beaten dog. She sauntered around the kitchen, grabbing a bottle of something Kenny couldn't see and a wash cloth. "What happened to your nose, Kenny?" Y/n took her place between his legs, reaching out to gently clean the dried blood from his nose and lip.

"Got punched while I was at the meeting. Left early." Kenny mumbled as he leaned into her, his knees squeezing her middle to trap her next to him, "Weeks been shit, m'done doing it."

She sighed and the sound was enough to make Ken wish he hadn't brought his issues to her door, "Wanna talk about it?"

"Nah, just the normal shit being excessive." He wiped his face to get the peroxide off, smiling at Y/n, "Doing better now, I think."

It was her, everyone knew it was her that kept Kenny chilled out on his bad days. To Mikey it was more than obvious that Kenny sought out her presence when things got tough, often bringing her to meetings and glancing at her just to see her smile. She often lightened the mood, along with Emma who was just as giggly.

Kenny had met Y/n on a day that he needed it the most. He was about to get jumped by a ton of punks, and though he could've handled all of them, he was relieved when he didn't have to. She stomped up from behind him, loud and angry and pointing in everyone's faces, "Who do you think you are, ganging up on someone? I'm ashamed that you all go to this school! Go on!" And her spunky little self seemed to not mind that Kenny was clearly a delinquent, even smiled at him and commented on his tattoo.

The same tattoo she was tracing with her fingertip, talking about her day as Draken zoned back in, "And the math class was so hot I had to take my jacket off and-Kenny?" She'd only just noticed the way his hands were shaking, holding tightly to the bottom of her shirt, "M'fine, sweetheart. Keep talking."

"Well, I had to take my jacket off and, of course, my pen had to have busted in my skirt pocket and stained up my shirt. I've still got a black splotch stained onto my side!" She wound her finger around the dragons tail, making Kenny shiver and rest his head on her shoulder, "So a lot of the girls were laughing about that, rude tramps. But, I knew that I could change in the nurses office so it was an easy fix."

Listening to her problems made him feel better. Seeing how silly she acted over a busted pen, somehow made him feel happy he didn't have such trivial angers.

"What about you, Ken-Chin?" She asked, taking out his braid. He shrugged, "The usual. Little brats want to fight, Mikey is lazy, and the gang is wild. It's just a bit much right now."

"Maybe you should get some rest? You know Mom and Dad don't mind you staying here, we can share my bed, too." Y/n parted his hair down the middle, tugging lightly as she played with it, "You'll wake up and feel ten thousand times better!"

And he wouldn't deny it, either. Instead of grumbling, as he wanted to, he got up and stretched. Never did it cease to amaze him how he towered over her, and he saw it every time she had to crane her neck to look at him. And still Kenny trudged down the hall behind Y/n, yawning and ready to just relax. She tossed the blanket out and laid it over the bed, waving for Kenny to get comfortable. He wasn't about to waste his time asking silly questions of "Are you sure?" He knew she was serious and she'd kick his ass if he didn't get sleep.

But he was going to kick her ass when he woke up alone, to laughter in her living room. Kenny stayed silent as he stood in the hallway, watching as she brushed Mikey's hair, talking about how Kenny had showed up that night. Mikey thanked her as she put his hair up, only the top just how he liked it, and she smiled at him.

There was a quick shot that went through his chest, it was bothersome. Why was Mikey being so close to her? Why was she just smiling at him and laughing as though Kenny, as far as she knew, wasn't still laying in her bed. He could see his hair tie on her wrist and walked up behind them, "Move, Mikey." He didn't hesitate to pick up his best friend and toss him to the other seat, sitting on the floor in front of Y/n. She giggled, resting her legs over his shoulders and moving to softly brush his hair. There were a few knots, but not too many, and she was careful to not tug on them.

"A braid, as usual?" She leaned over and tapped his chest with the brush. He nodded, "Would ya'?"

Kenny didn't mind the slight tugging that pulled his head backward, he was just thankful that her attention was on him and not someone else.

[izvmimi]

a/n: part of cursed!reader series of drabbles. sfw.

"y'know, it'd be nice to be loved like that," you muse as you follow nanami into the subway station. it's almost 3am, and both of you have sobered up a bit, knowing that satoru and his partner are probably stumbling into one of their apartments' drunk in their own right. you think for a moment that perhaps you should have actually explicitly made sure they made their own way safe, but you're pretty sure even piss drunk gojo can protect him and your friend.

nanami looks tired as usual, but he has a content smile on his face. you wonder if he heard you speak as you sit by him.

"oi, are you even listening to me?"

nanami turns his attention to you, a gentle flush of red on his sharp cheekbones letting you know that he probably is a little more drunk than you expected. it must be nice - you're often careful because you're a chatty drunk, and waking up after blacking out with multiple senses stolen from you is probably not ideal.

"always," he says. you raise an eyebrow. the train doors close and you start moving.

it's a strange answer from him but you allow it.

you sigh, stretching your legs out in front of you. there's just a singular man in the front part of your subway car, and he looks nonthreatening so you lose interest quickly. not much is there to look at, and when you look back at your friend, kento is peering at you through his glasses.

"what part of it do you like?" he asks. he chuckles, and you feel like you're being teased.

"i didn't say i liked it."

"you literally just said 'it would be nice.'"

heat rushes to your cheeks, but then you bite your lip and decide to own it.

"you know what, yes! i'm tired of being single. why would i want to be going halfsies on a tiny apartment with a sourpuss like you when a man should be appreciating my charm and treating me like a queen?"

it's nanami's turn to raise an eyebrow.

"do you think you deserve better?" he asks. you make a show of gasping in shock.

"why i never-"

nanami laughs louder this time and crosses his arms over his chest leaning back into the plastic covered seat. any time he laughs this much you're filled with an odd feeling, dread because he's probably making fun of you, or confusion... perhaps jealousy? you don't think you're that funny, but he doesn't seem to find anyone else as amusing. you hate that.

his hand rests on the top of your head suddenly and you kick him gently in the ankle.

"i deserve it," you remind him. you try to keep your eye contact fierce, making sure he doesn't patronize you; he lets his hand drop back to his side but continues to give you a pretend bemused look.

"perhaps."

breathing out through your nose, you decide you'll get him where it hurts.

"are you gonna pretend you're not bitter that your love life sucks?" you ask. he peers again at you sideways, then grins.

"i try not to think about it too much," he replies, promptly.

his ankles cross, and you consider kicking him again but the second time might actually hurt and you don't actually intend to hurt him. you purse your lips to the side and avert your attention instead. the shadows in the subway station start to hypnotize you the longer you focus on them, then you realize you are kind of sleepy. one of you has to stay awake to make it home safely, so you decide to return to antagonism.

"are you still pining over women who are inaccessible?"

nanami's eyes have closed shut by now but they open again.

"whatever do you mean?" he hasn't turned to look at you yet, and you're looking for the tick in his jaw that suggests annoyance but there's nothing yet.

"i told you to stop falling for lesbians, remember?" you tease him.

nanami gives you a look that lasts a bit too long, and for a moment you wonder if you've actually wounded him. you breathe in sharply and you're preparing to say the words, "sorry" but then he interrupts you quickly with the following,

"are you a lesbian?"

the question catches you off guard in the slight inebriation of hours after karaoke, where trot and enka play on loop and the taste of overpriced sushi swallowed not on your dime still ghosts on your tongue.

you would ask, "what's that supposed to mean?" but it's clear. kento's leaned into you and the train is slowing to a stop. you think your heart might slow to a stop too. he must be joking with you.

"i think you're too drunk, you're not making any sense." you finally say through your teeth, but the fact that you're suddenly flustered is apparent in the waver in your voice. kento snorts but it's soft and accommodating, not petulant.

the overhead PA tells you to unboard and kento moves first, getting to his feet but looks back at you and catches you as you stumble on heels too high for just karaoke and meeting with your closest friends.

your hand is in his and he lets go once you're steady.

you thank him but he can't steady your heart too.

[pengujoon]

A HOPELESS DEVOTION (ii)

content. oikawa x bsf!reader, reader has a crush on oikawa, oikawa is a douchebag, iwaizumi is their mutual best friend. angst and more angst, cw: suicide. Iwaizumi gets super sad at the end i'm sorry baby. too many tragedies in this

a/n: i keep deleting the story so i have to do the formatting again and again i'm so done. didn’t know people would like the first part sm so here’s the second part as suggested!

part i

Of course the atmosphere in high school the next day wasn’t the best - one of their most famous students killed themselves. Who are we kidding? They’re known throughout the entire province as the infamous volleyball captain’s best friend!

But to him, he hated their very presence. They were nothing but a nuisance. Yeah, initially he wanted to become friends purely because he saw that they had no one to be with - until he realised that they are the child of the president of the Miyagi prefecture volleyball association. Then everything went downhill from there.

All those times that you wore his jersey to watch his games made his stomach churn - he couldn’t possibly see you taint the jersey that was exquisitely his. He couldn’t possibly replace it with a new one, no no. His act would be easily blown by keen eyes. He had a reputation to uphold. 

But little did he knew that his carefully articulated plan of using you to get close to your father was blown way earlier than he ever expected anyone to know about it. And undoubtedly, it was none other than their very setter.

“Iwaizumi!” it was an undeniable fact that he made the group become a trio because all three of you were childhood friends: the only difference was that you didn’t know who oikawa was and vice versa. But the both of you knew Iwaizumi, which then led to the formation of the current friendgroup that took Aoba Johsai by storm. 

From the very beginning, Iwaizumi knew that Oikawa wasn’t someone you’d like to be with - especially so if you’re naive. Maybe it’s instinctive, but Oikawa is especially manipulative and is probably one of the most skillful people pleaser Iwaizumi has met in his entire life. 

And such is the reason why he was worried when he saw a sudden change in Oikawa’s behaviour to you - it was as though he was trying to please you, to not make you angry - to put simply: he was sucking up to you.

But to him, it didn’t make sense! Why? You couldn’t even possibly do anything that would benefit him - until he saw you walking towards the Miyagi Prefecture Volleyball Association building. Remembering that your father was the president of the association, it hit him that Oikawa wanted to get to your father through you.

The situation at hand was not favourable to Oikawa - the party took place in Iwaizumi’s home. It just happens that Iwaizumi’s family was well off and affluent, allowing him to have access to the cctv footage that captures the in and out of the entire penthouse. 

After being taught since young to watch over the day’s cctv footage to identify anything that seems remotely out of place, he made it a habit to watch them right about to sleep, something like a bedtime story. 

The moment he started the footage, he found you. 

It was offputting seeing the way you stood outside the kitchen. You looked… tired? Fearful? The cctv couldn’t really capture your expression given the distance, but at least he could make out the fact that you were hiding from someone. 

Probably Oikawa, he thought. 

His thoughts were confirmed seeing the very man in the kitchen with another friend of his. Thank goodness the situation was of use to him. The room was pin-drop silent, save for the soft distant humming noises of music and people from the living room.

He quickly put his earphones on to listen in on their conversation. 

And boy, he was pissed. 

The next day - with no warning signs and no nothing - the moment he saw Oikawa practicing alone in the gymnasium, he saw red. 

“You fucker!” Iwaizumi ran up to Oikawa and pushed him so hard he fell on top of the pile of volleyballs that lay dormant below him. 

“The fuck you want?” Oikawa shouted back in retaliation, surprised by Iwaizumi’s sudden outburst. 

“What did you say the other day when you were over at my house?!” He shouted, not bothering if anyone could hear it even if they were feet away from the now closely shut gymnasium.

Before Oikawa could even respond, Iwaizumi quickly added to his statement. 

“Before your ‘best friend’ stood outside the kitchen, they were happy! They skipped around when they were outside at the rooftop before looking so fearful when they were outside by the kitchen!”

Everything went blank after Oikawa heard Iwaizumi say the first 8 words. You were outside there hearing him talk about you like you’re nothing? That’s probably way you commited suicide. 

It then hit him like a truck.

Oh god, he thought, what does that make me?

“You’re a fucking murderer!” 

Ah, that’s who I am. 

“You think I don’t know that you got close to your now dead best friend only to reach her father? You think I don’t know that’s what you’re planning?

“It’s fucking tiring having to juggle your issues. They loved you! They were about to confess to you on that very night itself but look at what happened.”

He took a brief pause.

“They’re dead.”

An uncomfortable silence fell upon them. “Now what do you have to say about what happened that day in the kitchen?”

Oikawa remained silent, his head hanging low.

“Speak, you asshole!” He flinched hearing Iwaizumi roar at him. “What is it that you said that made your best friend jump off my penthouse?”

“I said I hated them!” Oikawa yelled in retaliation. “Said that I should get an award for acting that I like them so well.” Although he whispered the last part under his breath, it reached Iwaizumi’s ears and he had to put in all his effort to not beat this sorry sake of a best friend up into a mush.

 Iwaizumi turned his back against Oikawa and began pacing around the court. Anyone could tell that they shouldn’t get close to him right now: one wrong step and you’ll be done for. The fury in each step scared Oikawa - he had never seen him so angry before. Never once in his entire life.

“Did you know?”

Iwaizumi asked out of the blue, prompting Oikawa to look up at him. Oikawa hated how weak he was in this situation, so vulnerable and powerless against Iwaizumi. He hated the power imbalance.

“They have a name for themselves on a public diary website. I interact with them a lot there, but they doesn’t know it’s me. Although no names were mentioned, I just knew it was you. They wrote about what they felt for you and I could feel the love ooze out from the words beautifully articulated in her entries.” 

Iwaizumi glared at Oikawa, his eyes evidently teary. 

“You’re a bitch. Imagine finding out that your best-friend-turned-crush never liked you and fucking depises you. You should be grateful that they never found out that you got close to them only to suck up to their father.

“Imagine if they did. Your life with volleyball will be no more.

“Just like theirs.”

The pain from your death engulfed them both like an unending storm. The suffocating weight of guilt and remorse crushed their spirits, leaving them shattered and lost - they simply had no more reason to live. Losing someone as dear as you left a void in them that seemed impossible to fill.

Iwaizumi withdrew from everyone, shutting himself off from the real world. The once lively young man with a life full of potential became a mere ghost of his former self. For weeks and weeks, he blamed himself for not recognising the signs of your inner struggle, completely breaking down on the inside.

Every night, he replayed the scenes of the cctv footage on the outside rooftop, wondering what he could have done differently to prevent such a heart wrenching outcome. He would cry himself to sleep every night, knowing that he could no longer find solace in your presence anymore.

Oikawa, too, fell into a downard spiral of self-destruction. His dreams of volleyball success and fame lost all meaning; volleyball, once his passion and escape, now only served as the constant reminder reminder of the consequences of his mindless actions. 

The court, once a place bustling with energy and euphoria, now felt desolate and empty. He turned to unhealthy coping mechanisms, hoping to numb the pain that threatened to consume him.

Their friendship, once a rock-solid bond, slowly fell apart under the weight of their shared pain and regret. They became distant, unable to find solace in each other as they once did. The loss of their friend had left an irreversibly deep impact on them, altering the course of their lives and leaving wounds that seemed impossible to heal.

The weight of his sorrow became too much for Oikawa to carry. Without uttering a single word, he vanished from the world of volleyball and from Iwaizumi’s life. Their once unbreakable friendship shattered like fragile glass; the void he left behind felt like another gaping hole in Iwaizumi’s heart, an emptiness that could never be filled by anyone else.

Iwaizumi searched for Oikawa relentlessly, but his efforts were in vain. He couldn’t help but blame himself for driving him away, believing that he had failed his friend once again. The pain of losing you and now Oikawa as well was too much for him to bear.

Their paths crossed again one rainy evening. 

Iwaizumi, aimlessly wandering the streets, found Oikawa standing on the edge of a bridge, the constant raindrops mixing with his tears. It felt as though the sky was an accurate representation of their inner turmoils, hitting just a little too close to home.

The sight of Oikawa hopelessly standing at the edge of the bridge with no one else in sight pierced Iwaizumi’s heart, the pain inevitably obvious in Oikawa’s very own eyes.

“Don’t,” Iwaizumi pleaded, his voice choked with emotion. “Don’t do it, Oikawa.”

Oikawa turned towards the black-haired male, his face a mask of anguish and sorrow. What was once the captain of a powerhouse oozing with nothing but confidence was now a broken soul adrift in a sea of hopelessness.

The sparkle in Oikawa’s eyes had dimmed, and his once infectious smile had vanished, leaving only a haunting emptiness within him. 

“I can’t bear this pain, Iwa-chan.” Oikawa choked back a sob. “It’s all my fault. I pushed them away, and now they’re gone.” 

Iwaizumi took a shaky step forward; he was treading on a very fine line here - one wrong step and everything’s precious to him will be gone. “We can’t bring them back, but we can try to make amends. To live for them.”

Oikawa’s trembling intensified as he clung to the slippery railing. “I don’t know if I can, Iwa-chan. The guilt is consuming me inside.”

“I feel it too,” Iwaizumi admitted, his tears now streaming down his face. “But we can’t live on like this. They wouldn’t want it.”

The rain continued to pour down around them, as though it was a metaphor for the tears they both shed for their lost friend. In that somber moment, Iwaizumi realised how much pain Oikawa was holding within him, how deeply the loss had scarred his very soul.

As Iwaizumi watched in horror, his heart pounded in his chest, desperately hoping that somehow he could reach Oikawa before he jumped. He reached out to his friend, refusing to let go, trying to anchor him to the present, to the life they once shared.

“Please, Oikawa,” he implored, voice breaking with emotion. “Don’t do this.”

Oikawa’s grip on the railing tightened, eyes hollow and distant. He seemed lost in a world of his own torment, disconnected from reality, from Iwaizumi’s pleas. The rain mixed with the tears on his cheeks, but he remained silent - it was as though the ages of torment had stolen his voice.

The darkness within Oikawa was too much to bear, and the pain too overwhelming.

Iwaizumi watched in horror as Oikawa let go of the railing and disappeared into the raging depths below, swallowed by the darkness of the river. Iwaizumi’s heart screamed in agony as he desperately reached out to save his friend, but it was too late. 

He lost both his best friends, and what was once a trio bustling with energy now felt like an abandoned and desolate place. The laughter that had once filled the air now echoed back as haunting memories in his heart. 

No words, no gestures, no comfort could bridge the chasm that had opened in his soul - a void that could never be filled, a longing that could never be satisfied.

just so you guys know, i wrote this story while i was on a call with this certain crush that inspired this story lol XD but he doesn’t know and we’re just minding our own business but still being on the call to keep each other accompany because we’re not sleeping hahaha edit on my a/n: fuck this. i fell asleep on the call again. this happened twice im not letting this happen anymore  also i don’t know why oikawa keeps appearing in my stories like im sure there are other characters too but it seems that he fits these type of topics given his attitude and the fact that there’s iwaizumi to fight him

[bettyfrommars]

I need to know about drifter Steve! Is he anything like drifter Eddie? Is he more jovial or just as jaded? Does he feel connections with those he leaves behind? Or he just leaves and doesn’t think about them again?

thank you for asking about a wip from this post Jennie!

It was a Wip-Temper game, but has become a Wip-Tober thing, lmao.

Okay, Drifter Steve!

He has a lot of similarities to my drifter!Eddie! But I haven't decided to go the canon route where the events of S4 brought out darker aspects in him both physically and emotionally, or if this will be another version where he grew up near Eddie and Wayne looked after them when they were kids. Drifter Steve has the fighter side of biker!Steve, but more of the goofiness we saw in S3.

Quick Summary: Steve comes back to Hawkins to find Eddie because he's been offered a large sum of money to do a unique protection run. The job concerns a very mysterious item that they’ll be instructed not to look at or touch.

It's a mix of our biker boys, our nightmare boys, and a good helping of horror/magic realism.

Here is a snippet from what I have so far:

18+ONLY, cursing, illegal activity, mention of sex, Steve is single, but Eddie has an unspecified girlfriend (could be any reader)

-------

Steve didn't feel good about the Kovalenko job, but ten grand a piece would go a long way.

"What's the cargo?" Eddie asked across the table from Steve who was picking the label off of his Coors Banquet. They were shrouded in a smokey corner of the Hideout listening to someone hack a Johnny Cash song to death on karaoke night.

"You know what? I didn't ask," his companion admitted with a micro shrug, thumbing the end of his smoke before putting the filter to his lips again. "Does it matter?"

"I don't know about this, man," Eddie grumbled, adjusting in his seat so that his wallet chain clapped the wood. He rested his chin in his palm, "I don't know if I want to go down that road again. My job sucks but it's decent. I like my bed. I like having my girl with me when I wake up in the morning."

"She'll still be here when we get back," Steve bit, flicking his hand dismissively. Somehow, his friend had broken the desperado curse they'd both been afflicted, which left Steve as a perpetual third wheel. Even Robin had a partner she was crazy about, and he was getting tired of having to crash in their guest room---the ten grand would change that.

A gangly, teenage metalhead with a pimpled jawline brought them two more beers, and Eddie always tipped him well cause the kid reminded him of someone.

"Where are we taking it?" Eddie twisted the cap off and the mouth of the brown bottle smoked. "How many miles?"

"Not far," Steve rolled the cap along the table like a wheel. "Just like, a few states over I think."

"A few states." Eddie repeated flatly.

"Maybe, I think. Two or three. He'll tell us more tomorrow."

Eddie sat back and folded his arms over his chest. He wore his long hair in a low ponytail and had several piercings in one ear. "They're paying in advance for expenses, I hope. I'm not sleeping under the stars without a pot to piss in again with you, Harrington. I don't care how well you spoon me."

"Easy there, princess," smoke flared out of Steve's nostrils like a dragon, chuckling. "Damn, domestic life has really done a number on you."

Eddie's cheeks burned pink, tossing his head back for a chug of his Coors.

It'd been a while, but Steve remembered the person he was before all of the trauma turned him inside out. He'd been in love plenty of times since Nancy, sure, and he'd done his fair share of fucking, but it often felt like the cavern in him was too vast to ever be filled.

Danger though? That somehow managed to fabricate the illusion of fullness, of deep, nutrient rich satisfaction that fed him even better than sex.

"Or," Steve stretched back, interlacing his fingers behind his head. "You could sit this one out and I'll keep the 20 k all to myself."

"You're not doing it alone, man," Eddie mumbled. "Not worth the risk."

"That's the spirit, Munson." Steve grinned, fishing a piece of pink gum out from under his tongue to start chewing it again. "It'll be just like old times. You, me, and the road makes three."

As jovial as he was, Steve had a bad feeling about whatever the thing was Kovalenko needed them to transport. If it was blow or guns, no biggie, but this thing was different:

This thing had teeth and eyes, and he didn't know how, but it was already aware of him.

[karlachismylife]

I think it's easier to live with as time goes on, esp with adhd it's become the background pain of my life lol, flair ups suck though for SURE. What is surprising is how much I can move even though it hurts because of the pressure lol. I used to do ballet stuff so flexibility isn't an issue. And honestly thank you for sympathizing because you have no idea how many people assume that just cause I don't look like I'm constantly uncomfortable and in pain that means I'm not. It's like no dude my feet feel like they're burning and I'm pretty sure my legs are locked to prevent them from shaking but fuck it we ball. I did get prescribed a new medicine though so I don't have to constantly take ibuprofen and it works really well! The pressure is still there but not the pain. Btw you don't have to keep answering these with the hc's if you're low on juice. Just being able to talk about this without feeling like I have to defend my own pain cause I'm younger. It's like if you're under 30 people think you can't possibly have pain XD

(for other comrades - prev post here)

Me and my inner Soap got so stuck on that ballet part, not gonna lie... I smacked him upside his silly puppy head though, don't worry. Jokes aside, though, that's incredibly impressive, wow, you're just a star, aren't you? Cuz I have quite an understanding of how hard it is (mum did ballet and told tales) and I have nothing but respect for anyone who can endure it, honestly, superhuman shit.

Ugh, I already got frustrated with them people on your account. As if they wouldn't give you shit if you demonstrated that you don't feel well. Dumb. I feel like 141 boys wouldn't like that you're kinda masking it, though. They wanna take care of you, for Ghost it's almost the sole driving force of his life, but they all get off acts of service and care, because, well, that's what they are, four big brutal service dogs. So if one of them sniffs out you're hiding how uncomfortable your current seat is or that you got tired of standing, for example, in a checkout queue at the store - there's gonna be so much grumbling, oh boy, and you're getting scooped up immediately to be relocated somewhere you can actually get comfy and relax.

Good thing there's new meds! Already said, Ghost's picking them up and clinking glasses with you to take them together with his drug cocktail, before you get to chase Soap around the house like a dog that doesn't want to take its pills. He would still keep the painkillers always on hand, though, just in case, you know - what if it flares or something happens. And for Price.

Price would SO understand that stupid ass stigma and bias though, because he's actually not an old man and was even younger when he messed up his back, plus he's in the military, so everyone always assumes that he's in his top shape and if he shows he isn't, he just gets dragged by others. Or maybe not dragged, cuz people are rightfully afraid of him, but it's the looks he gets that get under his skin and make him so self-conscious. And the days when you need his help but he can't pick you up properly? He feels like a failure. So all this people talk and internal exhaustion from the constant presense of this shite in your life is very very familiar to him. Letting some steam off while you both just tear apart some ugly ass knob that made a sarcasting note about you when you sat on a free seat in the subway? Sure, Price made that balding bitch almost piss himself for that, but it doesn't mean he won't have some more nice words to say about people like him who decide who gets to sit and who doesn't.

[onthepyre]

my dear moot. so gallavich are fuckbuddies and the ian leaves and becomes an emt and then what??? how do they get back together? do they like. see each other in the couple years between because of mandy or other people or do they go no contact?? if it's no contact then why do they see each other again?? i desperately need to know. i'm invested in this au definitely more than i should be since i haven't even finished the show yet but like. it's amazing. i'm obssesed

omg hi!!!!!! thank you so so much for the question. i swear im still spinning this au around in my head ive just been so very preoccupied lately but i intend to write about that first night in the bar soon so keep an eye out for that. BUT! i will put the answer to this under a cut because it got longwinded.

so i want to start with why things fizzle out in the first place. they start up very much like canon gallavich - ian is ass over teakettle for mickey, and mickey, while definitely interested, isn't nearly as invested. things diverge from their canon characterization around the time of mick and svet's marriage. ian remains pissed, but rather than fucking off to the army, he stays - and it triggers his first major depressive episode.

and then mickey's like....... dude what the fuck is going on with you. because mickey, at this point, has bigger fucking fish to fry. instead of him being ian's main caretaker during this time it falls on the other gallaghers and mickey's just sort of around, in the periphery, and then when ian hits that manic upswing again, a LOT of the insane reckless shit he does is with or for mickey. but they never hit that deeper connection that we see gallavich develop in seasons 4/5 because they're just too fucking busy

so then ian quits work, and that's fine, but that means he and mickey dont really see much of each other anymore. they try to keep things up for a little bit, but it's just not really convenient since they aren't constantly in the same place, and so they're just kind of like, well whatever.

(they are both secretly very sad about this. but neither of them wants to come out and say that. so they just don't.)

and yeah, they do end up seeing each other a little, because ian and mandy are still friends, and she's probably so, SO tired of his bullshit, because he tells her all of these conflicting feelings he's having. she drops these stupid-obvious hints to mickey, but he's got a thick skull. so mostly she just pesters ian.

and then a little over a year goes by before the next major event - eventually they kind of put each other in the back of their minds, not really forgotten but not a main figure anymore. maybe ian gets a boyfriend, for real. but he still hasn't exactly nailed the balance of his meds, and though he doesn't experience the full spectrum anymore, there's definitely periods of time that...... aren't quite right. so he finds himself in one of those, and he gets off work and, well, that bar he used to work at is kind of close. and he kind of misses that messy thing he had going with mickey. and he drops in.

he gets more than a little tipsy at the bar, hanging around waiting for mickey to come in - and eventually he does. and ian isn't really sure how to approach this, but you know what always worked for him? starting a fight. so he does that. he calls mickey over, brings him outside, and just fucking. socks him in the face. and it does what ian wants it to! they beat the shit out of each other, take a little breather for mickey to ask what the fuck that was about, and in response, ian kisses him. they barely make it inside before their pants are off.

but ian, for the most part at least, has his life on track right now. he can't get involved in organized crime, he's a fucking emt. he has shit to be doing. his brother's a cop, even if a corrupt one. so he leaves that night, as much as it pains him, and puts it in the past. for a bit.

but FUCK! it hurts more this time. it SUCKS, suddenly, very badly. he wants nothing more than to go back again and apologize and start over, start it again the right way. and though ian loves mandy, he doesn't really trust her judgement on this specific thing. so he confides in lip. lip says, no dude, you did the right thing. don't spend more time around them than you need to. and ian takes that advice! for a little while.

another ten months goes by. it's been two years - two years! - since they had a regular thing going. and really? they're still stuck on each other. mickey very nearly reaches out a few times, but svet worries they'd be spending too much time with the gallaghers. and mickey trusts her.

thing is? yev's a clumsy kid. when he's about three, mickey turns his back for all of ten seconds and yev pulls a pot of boiling water down from the stove - and onto himself. it only really gets his arm, but it's a LOT of his arm, and naturally, mickey freaks the fuck out! and like, ive mentioned this offhand before, but he and svet are STUPID protective over their boy. like, would kill for him protective. so he calls 911. guess who shows up?

ian. of course it's ian. so they treat yev and get everything sorted out, but fuck, if watching mickey be a good dad isn't, for some fucking reason, the hottest thing ian's ever seen. and he misses him! by this point, he misses him so goddamn bad. can't get mickey out of his head. so he says, hey, you still have my number. give me a call in a couple days, let me know how yev's doing. i can come check on him, change the bandages.

and mickey calls him that night, actually. ian's like, did something happen, is yev okay? and mickey says, yeah he's fine. do you want to get dinner. and ian says yes, jesus christ, please.

and they're like, actually pretty normal from then on out. they remain ian and mickey, so of course there's ups and downs. but they're ian and mickey again.

[cathkaesque]

Year in review, cathkaesque wrapped

Completed Very Big Very Cool Farmworker Report, which I'm still super pleased about. Everything I proposed was completed.

Went to Morocco for Very Big Very Cool international gathering

Basically completed transition - got all my documents in order, 2 years HRT, laser hair removal in process. I can take or leave srs so I'm basically exactly where I want to be now

Got asthma and celiac diagnoses - my lungs are better, I can finally put on weight, but my reflux issues are unfortunately uncurable (hiatial hernia)

Relatedly, spent most of February scrubbing black mould off my walls

Looking back on it, from mid-Feb/March I had an extremely bad mental breakdown that took up a good chunk of the year to recover from. Combination of all my work being due and none of it being done around March, huge trans panic in the press, trying to get all my documentation in order because the panic in the press scared the hell out of me, serious relationship issues...it was very bad. I had to move back in with my parents for much of the year while I sorted my shit out

Broke up with my bf but we got back together - the time apart sucked so bad and made us both extremely insane and unwell but it forced us to rectify serious ongoing issues in our relationship rather than letting them fester. I feel we've emerged from it stronger and things are going better than they ever have before so that is pretty wonderful. I just wish I could've resolved these things in a less dramatic, less damaging way.

Went on a lovely holiday in South Wales, and also a little weekend break in Kent

Drove 1250 miles in about 2 weeks

Went to my first festival (do not want to do that again, I hate the West)

Relatedly, wrote off my car because I was very tired from driving that much. I don't miss the responsibility of driving or owning a car at all, and I'm saving tonnes of money, but I really miss the ability to go on little trips to obscure places

Went to London a million times for work meetings

Sadly a lot of the international union work I've been involved with over the last few years has collapsed due to infighting in the international organisation. You have a situation where both the workers' union in Spain and one of the employer unions are affiliated to the same international organisation. The employer union is a lot bigger and unsurprisingly this is too unstable a mix to function and they reacted in a way that broke the rural workers' work I have been involved in. I am very pissed off as the result was issues the workers union really needed to be addressed never got looked at and someone who was very, very dedicated to the cause got forced out of their position because of it. Disgusted. I invested so much of myself into that work so I am trying to decouple my political activism from my work life to prevent this from happening again.

At the same time I had similar issues within my own workplace, especially after larger farmers' organisations reacted strongly against my report. I ended up having a big meeting with lots of them where I performed okay despite having a panic attack prior to it. So hopefully that will have been dealt with now.

Managed to have a healthier relationship to weed which is good

I got super into Flames of War and I'm really enjoying that, I love the models and painting my little guys has been so much fun.

But yeah. All in all a super, super hard year, especially the first 8 months of it, but this was due to overdue problems that needed to get solved, and they got solved. I hope things will be easier next year.

[hazbinficsandstuff-eyeshadow]

A NEW WAY

Chapter 1(I sincerely hope this work was not for nothing)

Vox and val played in bed together. He was a clingy piss baby and liked cuddling with vox especially when he was upset...which was all the time. They layed close together for awhile Valentino petting the top of his boyfriends TV head. Although vox usually put on a tough persona he felt a lot more comfortable with the vee's. When Val pet his head he could feel himself let go, he fell asleep at val's soft touch.

Valentino still holding him with his right arm found it really adorable especially with his soft snores and the red lines from his slightly opened mouth. The only thing he wanted in his life was vox. Valentino would let go of everything just to have vox he'd even give up his status Although he knew vox probably wouldn't do the same for him. Valentino knew this wouldn't last forever though and he'd soon ruin it with his quik-temper and impulsivitiy would make this end just as quick as it begun. It was an awful on and off again proccess.

Vox still layed deep asleep on Valentinos chest and mumbled "Iloveyoualastor". Valentinos eyes shattered like broken glass at voxs unconscious words. Although val would usually scream and throw things whenever vox mentioned alastor, which was a lot, this time he didn't. Val was trying to better himself or at least be less impulsive.

Valentino was about to yell at him but then he looked at vox's sleepy face, his body was limp and tired from working all day, he pretty much fell asleep as soon as they layed down together. Val jsut couldn't do it this time he looked to adorable to Valentino. He still wanted this moment to last and not be ruined by him. For now val would just enjoy the moment. Vall then fell asleep at the comfy presence of his boyfriend. They both resyed for about an hour and then vox woke up with a slight panic and Valentino almost immediately after.

"Shoot, did I fall asleep again?" Vox says holding his head. "Voxy, it's okay, I fell asleep too, you don't have to always be so tough especially with me, I like you just the way you are even with your cute little sleepy face voxy~" Valentino teases as he held vox's screen. " I know" vox said sheepishly still not 100 sure of himself. "You were talking about alastor in your sleep again voxy~". Vox's screen turned a dark remand he groaned "ugh, what the fuck did I say this time, I HATE that peice of shit"

Valentino gave vox a look with ine raised eyebrow " well you Said you loved him an hour ago". Voxs screen glitched until it displayed "overheat" on the center. "I was unconscious, I didn't mean anything I said" vox replied slightly ticked. "You seem pretty awake during the five times a day you call me alastor". Vox put his finger up about to respond but then grew speechless. Valentino then suggested "what if I kill him? Problem solved" he said pulling out a pink gun that he had decided made him look Sexier than the gold gun.

"Yes kill that som of a bitch!! And did you have that on you the whole time?". Valentino immediately jumped up still holding his gun clearly ready to.march over and just kill the radio demon. Vox immediately grabs him by the hood of his wings making him fall backwards onto the floor. Vox towered over him as valentino layed back to the floor" are you insane? Hells crush you! Just like he did to me" vox says dramatically closing his fist in anger.

"Cut the melodrama voxy~, but what do you propose?" Valentino replied

"I'm not proposing to him again, valentino"

"I mean how do you think we should kill him?"

Velvettes tumbles through the door and says in her usual sassy horizontal head Bob "can't you just take control of Angel and kill him?"

Val replied "WHAT IN THE UNHOLY HELL!?? HAVE YOU BEEN THERE THE WHOLE TIME??..but no I might have not gotten that bitch to sign it if it wasn't only for the studio. So im.limited to what I can do to control him."

"That sucks" velvette replied. A sudden idea popped into vox's head and he had the vees follow him into the elevator upstairs until they reached his TV room. Vox sat in his chair and pulled up a digital file on his computer. It was a bulletin board that just had a bunch of pictures of alastor with with red strings that had little hearts implanted around them. In the middle was just one giant sticky note that said "kill?".

" one time I satrtes plotting how to kill alastor but I didn't get to far" vox said not very impressed with his work.

" got to lost in his eyes" velvette teased as valentino rolled his eyes".

Authors notes: sorry that the characters aren't that in character I just wrote this for fun because I got bored in social studies and spent like an hour transitioning it to my phone.

[canadiannationalfox]

Murder Drones Manor Era Fanfic - Bloody Awful part 2- tw// period mention

tw// mentions of blood, periods, pain and mild binge eating. First chapter: https://www.tumblr.com/canadiannationalfox/768332608793919488/murder-drones-manor-era-fanfic-bloody-awful-tw?source=share

Part 3 https://www.tumblr.com/canadiannationalfox/768497862678069248/murder-drones-manor-era-fanfic-bloody-awful-part?source=share

The car ride into town was quiet mostly. "Why did we have to leave J back at the house?" Tessa sulked, her cramps and moodiness had the usually sweet little girl moody, but just short of being as mood as an angsty space drone.

"Tessie," James soothed, he responded as he kept his focus on the road since he was driving his vintage 2010 Hummer refitted with triple carburetors for the gas guzzling motor, "I wanted it to be like old times..."

"You didn't even remember my birthday, probably Mother's doing... again," the girl with the cool-toned hair groaned in annoyance before she continued to rant, "Where is she anyways? Back home plotting on how she can convince me to go back to living off 500 calories a day?"

James felt dismayed, remembering last year when he saw Tessa getting overly thin and her tired spells. "I promise, she won't ever do that again to you," James reassured, putting his hand on Tessa's shoulder, to which she moved away slightly. He stopped trying to comfort her as he softly spoke, "Tessa... she's away right now in Paris."

"Right, she's getting more of those god-awful sunhats she loves so much..." Tessa grumbled, "I guess..." her tone changed a little to be a little less grouchy, "I guess it's alright she's not around..." Tessa was in clothing not very suited for the warm early August weather. A black sundress with black and red striped leggings. She responded with a slight laugh, "God, though, literally... the day after my birthday, and I'm pissing blood." "As it is I'm running out of Sharpies"

They came to the traffic lights at the perimetre of the city they lived near, and had to stop, which gave James a moment to look at Tessa with an eyebrow raised as he asked curiously, "But, we have a lot back home."

Tessa pushed up her fringe of cool-toned hair with navy blue 'highlights' to show she had some greys coming in. "If you tell Mum, I will literally cut it all off again," Tessa informed bitterly before remarking, "I am NOT going blonde, no matter how much she badgers me."

James took off his tophat to show he had greys.

"Dad, you've always had greys, even when I was like... 5..." the Aussie tween joked with some snark in her voice.

"Tessa, it's hereditary, and believe you me, it sucks," James admitted, letting his usually detached but stern personality fall a little, being more open, "I'll get you more markers to help you stay True Blue."

Tessa laughed a little at the mention of the old lullaby her Dad used to sing to her. "Oh my god, Dad, cringe." she giggled, "Okay but to be fair... it's a good song still, even if it's about the Australian flag and not about either of us." She responded, a small smile peeking through, both an expression of her being happy from the pain killers helping keep the pain at bay and from James actually being a good dad for a change.

"Yeah, blonde really isn't your colour," James responded, ruffling Tessa's hair before the light turned green, "I'll help you get more markers to hide it." He had a fun idea as they got closer to the big box stores near the outskirts of the city, "How about we go shopping, like old times?"

"For real life?" she said all excited, "Honest?"

James took out of the inner pocket of his suitcoat as they pulled up to a pharmacy his JC Jensen credit card, smiling like a Mad Hatter, he looked to Tessa and replied joyfully, "You bet your bow we are!"

James and Tessa went into the pharmacy. They got a couple heating pads, both electric and flaxseed reheat-able kind. They got pads and tampons of varying sizes, as well as pain killers and vitamins. Then it was onto the art supplies shop a parking lot over.

Tessa and James headed back to the markers section and got all the blue, navy blue, and turquoise sharpies. After there, James took Tessa out to the place they used to get ice cream at, and the restaurant now served baked goods. James and Tessa sat at a table by the window, thunderous August rain had rolled in and was making droplets patter against the window. After the waitress left, Tessa was eagerly awaiting the order. "Are you sure I can have whatever I want?"

James replied reassuringly, "Yes, that's why I got the dessert sampler." "Won't Mother be mad?" the Elliott heiress asked, she fidgeted a little with a necklace they got at the craft store that had a pendant of a blue jay

"I'm not telling her what you're eating, I told her that I was making you watch the musical Heathers with me on stream"

Tessa responded rapidly with a laugh, "I'd rather die than hear Candy Store again this week." The two laughed together before James remarked, "Yeah... I think your Mother has forgotten the other good songs from her favourite musical... but also forgot all the other good musicals we've seen."

The waitress came to the table and set down two Dutch chocolate icecreams topped with chocolate cookie crumbs and then the large dinner plate with tons of little cookies, fruit desserts, and varying brownies. "Enjoy!" she trilled before walking away.

Tessa waited a bit before she started picking up brownies from the plate and scarfing them down like she hadn't eaten in days. She didn't care if she looked undignified as a ravenous dingo, she rarely got to have junk food, let alone sweets like this.

"Easy there, Tessie," James urged in a quiet voice, "You'll give yourself a stomach ache like that."

Tessa only stopped after a couple seconds for her to gulp down the dessert she was eating. She looked to her dad, grinning apologetically before she spoke. "Sorry, I'm just ravenous."

James sighed sadly, his grey eyes studying Tessa's scrawny frame, "I know... I'm sorry about that," he reassured gently, "I'm going to ensure your drones bring you mid morning smoko and afternoon tea with snacks more discreetly."

Tessa resumed her snacking, but taking it slower this time as she ate a candied slice of kiwi. "What about Mum?" she asked worriedly.

"Your Mum can deal with me."

"What if she tries to take my drones."

James insisted gently, "I won't let her. She can't do anything with them, since they're yours. Heck, even when your little butler put sugar on the rim of my margarita, I knew he was off limits." He chuckled a little before remarking, "Though the sugar was a lot better than the salt."

The girl with the turquoise and blue highlights snickered happily, "Daaaaad!"

The tophatted man smiled. "I missed this, Tessa. I missed us just hanging out and getting along... I wish we could do this more often."

"Me too, I miss you, Dad."

The two chatted more as they had their lunch of sweets before they headed to a couple more stores, even a book store, before heading home.

To Be Continued

[osokasstuff]

i'm too pissed off to sleep so i'm going to bitch about some takes and overall transphobic shit i had to see lately. this post isn't directed at anyone here, "you" used in general sense and only directed at people who said quoted shit.

tw transphobia, intersexism, exorsexism, terfism (all of it in quotes), mentions of igm, racism, and genocide, tons of caps, me being very aggressive and bitchy

> "trans people uphold gender stereotypes"

wow today i get to know the demographic that is literally seen as failing to perform both gender roles at the same time actually upholds gender stereotypes. and the same person said, "if you wear the skirt, your dick won't disappear." how gender non-stereotypical. /sarcasm

genuinely fuck you. have you ever considered the fact that maybe, MAYBE man = dick and woman = vulva is a gender stereotype too? or are you too coward for this? /rhetorical

i'm so sick of this argument, really. it sucks itself. i'm tired of its inevitable bullshitness. i have neither energy nor desire to destroy it properly. i'm so tired.

> "men in dresses in women's bathrooms"

FUCK YOU FUCK YOU FUCK YOU. maybe we live in different worlds with these people because in my world there's no gender policy that stops everyone with man gender identity from entering women's bathroom. like. cis man without dress can actually enter, you know? nothing prevents them, you know? sorry for destroying your nice illusion of security, but if someone wants to enter any bathroom with malicious intentions, nothing actually stops them. so you're doomed to pee in fear until the end of your lives. just like we do.

> *unquotable whining about how everyone protects the rights of people who label themselves as gender-neutral pots*

HAVE YOU EVER SPOKEN WITH A TRANS PERSON IN YOUR LIFE??? and if yes, where the fuck you live because i want to move there! NEUTRAL GENDER MARK, NOT XENOGENDERS, NOT EVEN DIFFERENT OPTIONS, SIMPLE NEUTRAL GENDER FUCKING MARK IS LEGAL IN APPROXIMATELY DOSEN OF COUNTRIES!!! where have you found these mythical places where you're FORCED to respect xenogender people because i want to go there and stay there forever! even in trans communities, xenogender people are often mocked and ostracized! do you think xenogender liberation is the only our problem? YOU LIVE IN THE FUCKING COUNTRY WHERE TRANSITION IS PROHIBITED! and so in lots of other countries! and even in countries where it's allowed, there are always tons of assholes who want to ban or restrict it again! YOU CAN'T STAND THE IDEA THAT THE PRECIOUS GENDER (TM) CAN BE ANYTHING BESIDES MAN AND WOMAN AND WE'RE THE ONES WHO UPHOLD GENDER STEREOTYPES? and moreso, you think the binary gender system is a NATURAL ORDER OF THINGS? genuinely go fuck yourself.

> "but there are only two sexes!"

YOU THINK LIKE THAT ONLY BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE WHO THINK LIKE THAT SUBJECT INFANTS TO GENITAL MUTILATIONS, AND LATER PUT INTERSEX PEOPLE ON "CORRECTIVE" TREATMENT WITHOUT THEIR CONSENT. you don't even KNOW about HORRIBLE LEVELS OF VIOLENCE that are used to uphold your nice sweet idea about only two fucking sexes. go fuck urself, SEX IS A SOCIAL CONSTRUCT, moreso, IT'S A VIOLENCE-BASED CONSTRUCT, and if you're not aware about it, you're not allowed to bitch about gender being a social construct. binary sex and gender systems are based on unbelievable levels of violence, on literal genocide and erasure of intersex people, poc, and trans people. THAT are actual social constructs, and they are made FOR YOUR COMFORT by YOUR FRIENDS who are happy to murder, torture, and erase MILLIONS OF PEOPLE for your ability to never reconsider your understandings of sex and gender.

> "i don't like trans people but don't misgender them"

oh THANK YOU YOUR PRECIOUS GRACIOUS MAJESTY for your GENEROUS DECISION to not misgender us, MISERABLE FREAKS who definitely don't deserve SUCH A NICE TREATMENT. should i start to kiss your ass immediately or wait until you finish your condescending reasoning about why you're so PATIENT AND UNDERSTANDING towards us? /sarcasm

i swear, one day, i'll start to treat them like they treat trans people. /not serious

you know, i don't get all this stuff about being perisex cis, i mean, they just kinda... take what they're given from birth and use it? without any reflection and, you know, actually thinking about it? don't you think it upholds gender stereotypes, like, if you were assigned [insert], you live your life as [insert], isn't it kinda... stereotypical? maybe they should at least try to live in a different gender? to know for sure? i mean, i can't even imagine how it is to be perisex cis, so it's probably really weird, and maybe they'll change their mind when they get older? of course, if they're nice and don't ask too much, i will use their pronouns... maybe, but do you agree it's weird, not to say gross, on their side?

i'm so fucking done with this shit. i know most of the people who say shit are not genuinely malicious and are deeply uneducated or misinformed, but it's so heartbreaking, triggering, and exhausting to see this shit everywhere. i'm done with having to tolerate such a bullshit or leave spaces/lose connections and live in constant fear of revealing another transphobe-exorsexist-intersexist in my surroundings. sometimes i wanna people to consider the fact that trans, nonbinary, and intersex people are around them, can hear their bullshit, and have feelings about it. at the very fucking least. i'm done being discussed like i'm a fucking exotic thing and not someone actually existing in public and online spaces.

sometimes i wish some people a very nice shut the fuck up.

[macksting]

I'm gonna try to find other places my favorite people here are, that are not X or Tumblr. I'm gonna try to retain my contacts here. But I'm leaving again. I don't feel a need to get myself banned to make some point, and it looks like that's easy to do for now. He wants us off this site? Fine, I'll go. There's better places to be anyway.

But before I go.

I apologize in advance to any Christians who feel unfairly hurt by what I'm about to say, but: I don't hate Christianity, but I hate being unable to escape it anywhere I go. In the same way that a Christian atheist may still have a rabid hatred of Muslims, I find Christian and ex-Christian trans women still want our suffering to be holy, to be martyrs. Mostly they don't go running into the mouth of hell to suffer, if nothing else because that'd hurt and most of them aren't that devoted to this mindset; and some of us fly too close to the sun not out of masochistic death cultism but out of just being at heart a bunch of pains in the ass, so I ain't talking about that either. I'm talking about needing to be seen as suffering, as more suffering than others, as a kind of social oneupsmanship. And it's not better to do so in some kind of communion or solidarity or whatever, it's still ridiculous no matter how you do it.

We should be learning about the means of each other's oppressions, to better understand our own, not turning it into a fucking pissing contest.

And I cannot escape these mindsets. I see these baffling crab-bucket behaviors in these shitty online spaces that I almost never see in real life, with real world groups and people, because... iunno, maybe because I live in the PNW and a lot of folks didn't grow up being told that suffering is the highest form of virtue and therefore that if you are not suffering enough then you are not virtuous enough, and since real suffering sucks, it's best to just make people accept that the level of suffering you're going through, which is bad, is superior and unique and untouchably awful.

My friend Michael says it's also kind of a white thing. By creating a hierarchy of who is most oppressed and placing yourself on top, you can make yourself feel immune to criticism, and apparently this is just something a lot of white folks feel they need. Myself, iunno, I'm white too, I hope I don't do that, but I suspect my particular brand of OCD means my anxieties in that regard can't be alleviated without significant therapy and medication, which is not better but it does seem to make me a little less likely to try to put myself on top of hierarchies out of sheer terror of myself.

I seriously cannot escape this shit. I dunno how much I've got to go dismantling my own bullshit, but at least I wasn't raised Christian. It must be so exhausting. If you see me posting something positive that's happening, believe me, it's not intended as toxic positivity. It's intended as a radical statement that a better world is possible. It's radically asserting that life is not pain, and that our pain has causes that can be dealt with. And I dearly do hope it pisses someone off to see someone living their best life in spite of the horrors. A car outside our homeless shelter says, "Birds sing after the storm, so shall we," along with countless Christian statements scrawled all over it, and I am not waiting for some storm to pass. It won't pass in my lifetime. I'm singing now. And some of those songs are happy, and some of those songs are angry, and some are both.

If all you want is the aesthetics of suffering or the aesthetics of social justice, fuck off. I don't need more Christendom. I'm trapped in this place, and I am so fucking tired of it. I feel like Shrek yelling at Donkey, "can you please stop being yourself for five minutes!"

[juniperwoodwell]

And Down We Fall

••••••••••••••••••••

Word count:1503

Paring:Matt Murdock x F!Reader

Warning(s):Angst,Fluff,Sad Matt, Stress.

(Photo not mine)

"open the door, matt!" Y/n yelled from the hallway outside Matt's apartment. She knocked a few more times, and each time hit the door harder and louder; she knew she probably woke some of the neighbors, but Y/n was pissed off and worried generally wasn't a good combination. After a few more reps to the door, it swung open, revealing a pretty tired and beaten Matt. "Would you knock it off?" he said to the shorter woman; she noticed he was wearing his glasses which was uncommon at home. "Why weren't you answering mine and foggy's calls?" she asked; her tone was calm, but her body radiated anger. Matt sighed and stepped aside from the door to let her in. When she entered the apartment, it was like a train wreck, take-out boxes all over the counter, papers spread across the floor and table, and beer bottles littered around the room. "Shit." She cursed, taking in the mess. "What happened?" Y/n asked as she watched matt walk to the fridge and grab a beer, "Life happened," he said, his tone was quiet and worn out, like he hadn't slept in days, which was very probable considering the visible bags under his eyes that he was trying to hide behind the glasses. "Matty. Are we going to talk about this?" Y/n asks softly as she starts to tidy up the room.

"About what? About my life falling apart? About o-our relationship crumbling at my feet? About what, Y/n? Tell me." He demands, his voice cracking under emotions he's not ready to deal with. "About you dropping off the face of the earth for almost a week." She sighed, not wanting to make any more waves; she walked up to matt and gently placed her hand against his lightly bruised cheek, he sharply sucked in a breath, and he crumbled, his angry, self-loathing demeanor shifting to something softer and more vulnerable. Y/n smiled and took off Matt's glasses, his eyes glossed over with tears.

"It's too much.." Matt spoke, his voice horse and quiet, broken. "what's too much, sweetheart?" Y/n cups Matt's face with both hands "everything, my job, the fighting, the noise, us." the end of his confession stung like a bad hangover in y/n's heart, but she ignored it. Helping Matt was all that mattered to her right now. "You're just overwhelmed, matt" "I'm far more than just overwhelmed; I'm overworked and overstressed. I thought I c-could handle it all." his voice began to tremble, tears began to fall, "I-I thought it would be better if I tried to fix everything, but I can't keep going" "no, honey, of course, you can't" The room was illuminated by the neon billboard in purples and blues, cooling matt's face in hues that reflected his current emotions, of coarse he couldn't see it but Y/n could and it broke her heart to see the man she loved in such a dark place, for months they had worked on Matt's issues. Still, he was bound to fall again; they knew it. Nothing particularly wrong happened to their relationship, except they couldn't see each other as much because of work. A choked sob came from matt as he let his walls come down; he wrapped his arms around Y/n, pulling her tightly against him. His head pressed firmly into her shoulder as he cried his stress away. Y/n held him just as tightly. Her hands brushed through his hair and rubbed his back.

Slowly they fell to the floor in each other's arms. Y/n rested her back against the wall, matt straddling her legs as he cried into her shoulder. A while later, matt had calmed down enough to move and sit beside Y/n. His head was resting against her shoulder, and his hand was holding hers. He focused on her steady heartbeat to help calm his own. "I'm sorry I ignored your calls and worried you; I know you were about ready to knock my teeth out when I opened the door," he chuckled lightly, "I just wish you would have told me you were struggling" "I know.." silence filled the air, "Can I clean up?" Y/n asks quietly, making matt laugh "yeah, go ahead. I know it's a wreck in here. " He says as he stands up, Y/n smiling as she looks up at him. "That's a safety hazard, Murdock."  "Oh, trust me, I know. I kept tripping," he said as he helped Y/n up.

[A/n: It has come to my attention that I have been switching in and out of the present and past tenses. I'm too lazy to fix it rn tho. But keep reading and ignore that painfully annoying fact.]

Less than twenty minutes go by as they clean up the apartment together, Matt is resting on the couch, and Y/n is making tea in the kitchen. "What do we want to do, Matt?" She asks, walking out from the kitchen with two mugs in hand; She gives matt his mug, warning him it's hot as she sits beside him. "About my breakdown? Well... The Matt Murdock side of me says we should probably talk about it, but then the Daredevil side wants to bottle it up again." "well, it's a good thing you're legally Matt Murdock and not Daredevil because, one, having Daredevil as your legal name is stupid, and secondly, Matt Murdock wants to heal his wounds instead of putting a bandaid on it. So you can either talk to me, foggy, Karen. Or get a therapist, but you need to talk about this stuff. I know I can't talk, but we can always keep working on this together." Y/n says as she moves, laying her legs across his thighs, her hand reaching out to comb through his hair. Matthew was silent as he drank his tea; y/n knew he was trying to think through everything. "Honey, You look exhausted" "Mhmm, I am. All that anger and crying wears a guy out." he chuckles. "I can head home if you wanna go to bed." "No. I-...I want you to stay" "Really? Alright, I didn't wanna walk home this late anyways. I'll sleep on the couch tonight." Y/n says with a smile, but Matt sighs, "That's- No. Y/n, I want you to stay with me, Like sleep in my bed so I can hold you. I always fall asleep easier when you're around; your heartbeat is like a lullaby to me. Please, will you stay with me tonight?" He muttered most of what he had said, but that didn't stop Y/n from hearing it all, leaning in closer to matt, Y/n kissed his cheek, jaw, then neck. "Of course, I'll stay, Matty."

Matt leaned forward, placed his mug on the coffee table, then took Y/n's and did the same thing. He moved his arms so one was under her knees and the other around her back. Then he stood, carrying her to his bedroom. "Going a bit fast, are we, Murdock?" Y/n teased, "No, Certainly not. I'm Catholic. Remember?" His response gets a laugh from Y/n as he sits her down on his bed, "Do you wanna change?" "Into what?" "Well, I have plenty of shirts you can choose from, and I have a pair of sleep shorts I keep just in case you ever wanted to sleep over. Glad I did," He admitted in full confidence. "That's sweet of you, Matt. I'll grab a shirt and the shorts and change, then ill be right back," so y/n did as she said she would, taking no longer than six minutes. When she came back into the bedroom, matt was already in bed. Wearing a pair of sweatpants but no shirt. "Well, this is certainly a treat," Y/n says as she climbs in under the covers, lying on her side facing Him."Oh, Is it now?" He says as he turns towards her so they're facing each other. "Mhm..." "You okay?" he asks, placing his hand on her hip "Yeah, just worried." "About me?" Y/n nods. "Don't be, sweetheart; I know we can get through this as we have with everything else. Thank you for pulling me out of the hole I was digging. And for cleaning up, you didn't need to do any of that, but you still did, so thank you, baby." Y/n had fallen asleep as he was speaking, his voice soothing her. When Matt realized she was asleep, he chuckled and pulled her against his chest, "How'd I get so lucky to love somebody like you" He whispered into her hair and soon fell asleep. Her heartbeat led him into a peaceful slumber.

A/n: Hey! I hope you liked this one; I've been rewatching Daredevil to help capture Matt's personality. I was feeling kinda angsty, so I just went with it.

[skiddlecat]

what are the rain world aus saying to you

your ass is so lucky you sent this right before my bedtime. anyway you will regret this

under the cut is spoilers for taking life as is by @nerdydowntherabbithole and their little world rebuilt by @exx-bee, both on a03. i'm only talking about these two because i know i have So much to say that i won't have the time to talk about the other aus i'm being autistic over, so that'll have to wait. im tired please enjoy my uber autism

WHERE DO I EVEN BEGIN WITH TAKING LIFE AS IS. there is just sooo much i could mention but one thing i've talked about over and over again and refuse to shut up about is the building tension between moon and pebbles. throughout the fic, pebbles keeps trying to talk about his feelings on the whole Killing Her thing, and each time moon shuts him down with a "don't you start now" or something along those lines, because she wants to move on.

what she DOESN'T REALIZE THOUGH is that this!!! is not how it works!!! it's understandable that after everything she's in her live laugh loce era but at the same time she is ignoring all negative feelings and pushing them aside to the point of toxic positivity! pebbles *needs* to be allowed to feel bad and grieve!! he won't be able to move on if his feelings are constantly being disregarded!! sometimes things just have to be bad, and yeah! it sucks! but it's better for him to feel like shit sometimes than to suck it all up and have a massive breakdown later! he's ALREADY bad at communicating his feelings and this isn't helping!!!

moon isn't doing it on purpose obviously, she just wants everyone to be happy, but GOD if it isn't clear that it's hurting pebbles. i feel like this is gonna snowball into a massive fight because this whole problem is clearly starting to piss him off.

and their little world rebuilt... hoop boy. for not pebbles and moon related thoughts, i loove how much of a little shit ui is and how so obviously violent they feel towards pebbles. does he deserve it? probably not. but they are SUCH a brat and im living for it

and suns... SUNS... WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS... the tube. the fucking tube why did they put themself in the tube. ohhh my god suns i love you but you're sooo stupid. you and your messenger just have fresh trauma now. good job

BACK TO MOON AND PEBBLES. the contrast between their goals is honestly kind of funny. moon wants to repair her can now that she's a slugpup and while pebbles ALSO wants to repair her can, he also wants to dive into the void sea hesd first and never be seen again. WHICH WON'T WORK BY THE WAY. HE ALREADY WANTED TO DIE BUT NOW IT'S PARTIALLY FUELLED BY A DESIRE FOR PUNISHMENT WHICH IS *NOT* LETTING EVERYTHING GO, HIS ASS WOULD ECHO. his ass might not even make it to the void sea before guardians kick hm out. hes too young.

oh and. of course i can't forget-- Pebbles Is Going To Lose it When He Gets To Moon And She Isn't There. like getting moon neurons and a rarefraction cell is his ONLY will to live right now and it's been established iterator puppets disappear when they get scugged. he's gonna think she's sooo dead because he won't be in the right mindset to consider she's also a slugpup and he's gonna spiral over it. complete breakdown. Goodbye

dear god ok. have to cut this here because the sleepy is getting me so so bad. APOLOGIES. ENJOY MY UNSKIPPABLE CUTSCENE