#life is so sucky.
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i've just been down a spiral, but i am so afraid of love.
i can not imagine giving my all to someone and being so vulnerable with them, just for them to leave me high and dry, acting like we never meant so much to each other at one point. it's just far too scary, like i'm literally going through a miniature crisis because this girl who i told EVERYTHING to may or may not be drifting apart from me.
i was born in the wrong decade, not really because the internet is amazing, and i'm queer so... but when it comes to love, i totally was.
i'm not one for this whole hookup culture. i'm just too insecure.
#this spiral was brought to you by alex and cody#i'm so happy that they're happy and continuing on with their lives#but it has crushed me#and it's not just them okay.#please don't come at me.#it's also mostly because my mum is dating a man who thinks because it's summer he can go out for the entire day just to come home drunk#:)#life is so sucky.#but at least i get to see my cousin's (plural) and my cousin's (single) boyfriend in july#so that's fun#ig.#rant#did i memtion that he has kids.. no?#well he does.#2 OF THEM!!
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this. this might just be paul and richie to me.
#literally my favorite headcanon#just uncle paul. none of the other jon matteson family tree#like theyre both pathetic and basically only have each other in the beginning????? yes plz????#like paul gets called by cps and theyre like “hey u have a nephew thats getting a sucky home life wanna take him lol”#and richie just. enters his life#plus imagine its how he met pete????#paul used to babysit alice#who says he couldnt have babysat pete too??#and like he wants richie to have friends so ted comes over with pete and bill and alice are there too#and they become buds#like alice dyes richies hair and pete is freaking out about them getting in trouble#GUYS SORRY IM RANTING#anyways. love them 💗#royall yapper#hatchetfield#starkid#nerdy prudes must die#npmd#richie lipschitz#paul matthews#tgwdlm#the guy who didn't like musicals
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if i think too long about the ending making lloyd leave the home he worked so hard to save behind along with the new found family he sacrificed his life for so he can move to a place he has no emotional connection to where he only knows two people (one of which is actually following him from the aforementioned home) in order to make him get a standard "have a wife and children" 'happy' ending i start wanting to bite people not gonna lie
#i talk a lot <3#the greatest estate developer#lloyd frontera#it is. such a sucky ending i hate it i'm sorry i cannot stand it#i love charlotte with all my heart and i truly do like alicia#but jesus fuck that ending#the one thing lloyd wants is to have an easy relaxed life surrounded by the people he loves#and then the ending has him become the royal consort to someone we know likes to use people to their best potential#and living permanently away from his parents and all the people he came to care about#except for javier and alicia. and javier is only there because of lloyd anyway.#i just. i hate heteronormative endings so much man.#he didn't need to marry! he could've found his happy ending without having to be romantically involved with anyone!!#there's this whole thing about lloyd thinking to himself that his happy ending will be settling down with a wife and have kids#and then there is this one moment. where he talks about what he really wants. his one true wish.#and he talks about how he just wants a family. a normal family. a family that welcomes him after a day's work. a family that lives a normal#life without worrying about nothing much. he doesn't want big territories or power or an army. he just wants to have a family that loves hi#and enough to keep them safe.#AND FUCKING GUESS WHAT HE GAINS THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE NOVEL#GUESS WHAT THE EMOTIONAL CORE OF THE ENTIRE THING WAS#A FAMILY. PARENTS AND A BROTHER AND A BEST FRIEND THAT CARE FOR HIM AND WANT HIM TO BE HAPPY AND HIM DOING EVERYTHING IN HIS POWER TO KEEP#THEM SAFE. AND HE DOES. EVERYTHING HE DOES WAS TOO KEEP THEM SAFE AND SOUND AND HE GETS HIS WISH.#DO YOU GET IT. DO YOU GET WHAT I MEAN!!#HE DIDN'T NEED TO MARRY BECAUSE HE ALREADY HAD HIS WISH. HE ALREADY HAD HIS HAPPY ENDING. I'M SO MAD KASHDKA#tged
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Random less-angst-than-normal (might work this into NTTTF):
What if in season one of Stranger Things when they say Steve's mom follows his dad on business trips cause she doesn't trust him and Tommy laughs that that's a valid reason. It's not about cheating? What if he's just one of those 'good business man poor socializer' types and she doesn't trust him to not put his foot in his mouth and fuck up business deals? Mr. Harrington is a new-money business man and Mrs. Harrington is old-money and using what he's built and her dowry they've begun to build an empire against all expectations.
They love Steve but they are building a legacy to hand him and expect him to live up to the precedent they're setting. So yeah. They're pushy and kind of assholes in that well meaning but poorly executed way that people who have poor emotional development but the 'right intentions' are. All "We love you and believe in you and know you can do it so why aren't you?" hence why his dad gets so mad about Steve not going to college. He has all the resources and opportunities that his father (from a poor immigrant family) and his mother (from a mysoginistic old-money family with very trad. wife expectations for her) were never given.
They love Steve and they're setting up everything to give him the life and chances they never had. But they don't even realize they're not giving him the only thing he wants: a real family.
#rambler writes#rambler's thoughts#yeah the ramblings of a madperson#stranger things thoughts#steve harrington thoughts#this was angstier than I meant it to be#oh welp#life is kinda stressful and sucky rn so have this I guess
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so uhm one of my friends did a thing and I feel like I'm being unreasonable so I need to talk to somebody abt it to get a second opinion
#it's probs not that deep and I'm overreacting but idk#it might turn into a vent abt how sucky my life is so sorry y'all I'm a bit pathetic#cw personal
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Mob Psycho 100 having "even though I don't want to hurt others, existing as a human being means I can't avoid it, so I'll make sure to be responsible for any pain I cause" as a theme is very rad, I think.
#you know#taking responsibility#accepting that you're going to hurt others because you exist is so sucky but so real#mob spent his childhood afraid he might hurt ritsu (or anyone else) again#ritsu spent his childhood holding back because he blamed himself instead of trying to talk about it#reigen has trust issues piling up in every corner but he makes sure never to let his problems hurt the people he loves#(ofc there is one exception but spoilers)#(I didn't watch the new ep yet did we reach it?)#serizawa needed to face himself head on and accept that he can choose a life he feels satisfied by even if he thinks he's not worthy#every character is always found trying to grasp their situation and make it something they can solve#whether through apologising or having a long chat or switching careers#every character changes because they choose to exist#sorry most of this post ended up in the tags lmao#mp100#mob psycho 100#mp100 analysis#shigeo#reigen#ritsu#serizawa#oh as for hanazawa it's coming to terms with the fact being a normal person actual makes him special in ways he didn't know#and for shou it's nothing he was always perfect#that's my sons yo
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following up from My Body Is Being Concerning, today i learned that i am in fact capable of experiencing a panic attack so severe that i faint
#sorry for talking about this im just. Processing. bc wtf was that#but also when u think about it... pretty metal right#i know this sounds very sucky but like. there are other good things happening in my life so it kinda offsets This#im upset and a bit shaken that this happened as an Isolated Incident#but like. im drawing lots right now! and feeling good about that. so it's okay. but wtf#maybe will delete this later? my brain still feels fuzzy#hopefully the last post of this genre for a while i dont like the vibe it's been bringing to ladynoir brainrot blog#i think it's weird because there's like a LOT of pressure im experiencing in most parts of my life rn which clearly seem to be taking a toll#but the one thing im actually consciously spending time on (art and writing) has been going well. so i feel like. i at least have This#idk why i feel like this is necessary to post#i guess it just helps to know that y'all know that there r weird things afoot behind the url because it feels less like i have to be alone#with it#♡alizeh talks♡#vent#panic attack mention
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this was my realest post ever but i regret posting it every single day bc it got like 1k notes (big for ninjago textposts.) and never seems to die
#i dont remember what my guys were. i think maybe vinny and gayle but they have become more prominent since#vinny got a whole fucking monsterfucker yaoi plotline. and they both got minifigs. sooooo#vinny is still my all time fav side character tho maybe#tsk… i liked him before the yaoi….#fugidove too im also insane abt. dont think he has a minifig. YET#char…. and bentho too. one season wonders…..#that is truly the most painful thing abt ninjagos structure is that every season u get a new blorbo who will never see the light of day agai#actually i also kinda liked tbat weird shopkeeper guy in s12. he was sucky but fun to watch#oh actually my ultimate obscure blorbo is rachel sparrow. from one of the books#jays like … agent? boss? during his time on tv#oh the producer lol#but thats my sickening secret is thst i literally Kinned so hard i made her up. same first name and all#and then found out she was real. LIFE ALTERING#ohhhh u know actually tho. i shld draw my ninjago ocs. for once#i have a few half siblings for jay. could be fun. CLIFF YOU BASTARD!!!!!!#lets piss on our bio fathers grave together 💖#anywya
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very few 'parenting' things frustrate me more than parents who give their screaming kids an ipad, but I think "emotionally neglectful for 20 years and then wondering why their kid isn't thriving/adjusting to adulthood well, so they try to make up for it by being an overbearing helicopter parent" might take the cake.
#at least be consistent in your parenting style#ughhh#'oh no i neglected my kid for 20 years/was unstable (and still am!) and now they aren't thriving. surely it is the vieo gamez and not me'#i s2g if i break up with my partner their mother will be one of the reasons#the sucky thing is generational trauma hopefully gets distilled through each subsequent generation but it is the parents' job#to choose whether they are 1) financially ready and 2) emotionally ready to make that change and give their kids a better life#my grandpa grew up digging through trash for things to eat and decided when he had kids he would not be mean like his dad#and that they would have food on the table#my partner has literally said his mom 'just wanted a kid' and basically baby-trapped his dad#and she was like... in her mid-30s by this point#insane. insane. insane.#i understand baby fever and all that but at least make sure you are in a stable relationship first??#and also my partner's WHOLE FAMILY is like this#just... generation after generation of awful upbringings and kids rebelling and having kids too young and getting in bad relationships and#dealing with undiagnosed mental health disorders#maybe we should just break up at this point idk#delete later#i think i am freaking out because i got news about a possible health scare about one of my own family members so i'm spiraling#thanks for letting me vent. again#if my crap is too annoying PLEASE unfollow me#i don't keep a diary because i'm too immature to do that and thrive on others' validation and i am too broke for therapy#delete later maybe#i might keep this one up just so i can look back on it in a few weeks and be like 'girl u need meds' like hells yeah i do#a good thing that happened today is i avoided my urge to drink the half bottle of wine in the fridge#irish genes be gone from me today muahahaha
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Your favorite holiday is Christmas!
YES
#I love love LOVE Christmas#it’s so beautiful and hopeful and even when everything is absolutely sucky it brings some light to my life#I adore it#trin answers#lovely anon
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i just hit 2,000 total kudos on my ao3 account and considering I posted my first fic in July 2022 and am the furthest thing from prolific/consistent, i'm feeling very grateful for the people who still read my nonsense
<3
#mine.fic#i know that's not a lot compared to some#but the idea that two thousand people hit a little heart on one of my silly little stories makes my heart feel very fuzzy#making a chaptered wip has skewed my hit count just a teeny bit (lolol) so the kudos:hits ratio isn't particularly useful#but the fact there are hundreds of you subscribed to either me or one of my fics is super humbling.#like what do you mean 300 people get an email when i post a chapter? what do you MEAN.#anyway it's been a particularly bad month in a string of pretty sucky months and I just wanna thank the people who read and kudos#as hard as its been at times writing a life in your shape has been the only bright spot i have rn#pls keep yelling at me about how dumb dean is#he is. he's so dumb.#i can't wait to kill his father.
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25.08.2024
That’s not an echo, that’s two of the resident bellbirds/korimako singing to each other 🕊️
#spring has sprung I’m finding new ways to enjoy life etc etc etc#sent the text to the doggers for miss Molly so feeling pretty sucky rn but birbs make my brain go brrrr
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I'm alive!!!!
#sometimes I just do other internet things instead of tumblr haha#but I am good!!#it's been busy#also I had my birthday#I am now in EARLY FORTIES#next year it will be MID#what is life#it's just weird how time works#and how you have to spend so much of your life being really bad at it!!!!#it would be nice if we could live longer just so you could have more time to benefit from life lessons you've learned#although probably we would just find new and more inventive ways of screwing things up#as you do#I'm still really addicted to Stardew Valley#it's never lasted this long so I'm not sure if I should be concerned#but I have also been doing a lot of reading#work has slowed down so that's good#also I have been weirdly into watching professional football this fall#not a specific team#just kind of overall#like I have a handful of teams whose fates mildly interest me#I think it's because there is this guy on YouTube who is doing a series called If the NFL Was Scripted#and I am just amazed at how he has created an entire lore#based around events that he actually can't predict or plan#ANYWHO#today I have sooooo much painting to do!!#it's ridiculous#I thought I was past this part of home renovation#but here we are#it's sucky painting too#lots and lots of trim
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Thinking of the one Czech girl I played on the WoW EU servers in 2008 who was so happy to find another gay girl in the horde RP community that she sent me daily nudes on MSN Messenger for months until I told her I didn't like her like that
#i think her vagina is seared into my memory like CRT burn-in#she got so mad that i wasnt interested bc i was like the only gay girl she knew. so that was kinda sucky.#just thinking of all the people who enter and leave your life and you never get to know if theyre alright#i was too depressed to deal with a girl from another continent crushing and being a hornball. kinda wish she took it better#she was a good friend. only other person ive ever met who knew what it was like to be beat by their dad
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Maybe I'm just cursed 🤪
#trigger warning for everything that follows in these tags btw#i am in need of some venting into the void#so im gonna vent#so uh#im almost out of time to find a new job before i have to leave my flat and move back with my parents#in the past 27 days ive filled in 189 job applications#6 of those led to interviews#so far 5 of those have been rejections#i even started looking at jobs that paid way less than i can feasibly live on just so i could at least cover rent and stay here but no luck#anyway thats already sucky#and then ive had to go off my adhd meds because of continuous and annoying fuck ups with my drs and im hesitant to work to fix it cause#might be moving counties anyway lol#my depression is the worst its ever been in about two years i struggle to want to exist day in and day out and#this morning i found out my dog - my baby who i dont live with because i moved cities - he lives with my parents#we found out he has an agressive cancer - and i have to now make choices i dont feel ready to make#and im just#do you ever feel like youre already one the ground but life wont stop kicking you#and i feel#so lonely#my friends are doing everything right my cousin who i live with is always checking in on me and i am still#convincing myself i am being a burden i am the problem i#my whole life is collapsing and i#even writing this all out in tags my brain is yelling at me for being an 'attention seeker' or smth and idk#i just wanna#idk#its complicated ig#im fighting#i am fighting so hard#i just want ppl to know im doing my best thats all#anyone who read all of this - hi - i hope youre having a beautiful day. its all going to be okay in the end 💛
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God fucking damn it man my maladaptive day dreams have become so sad they’re ruining all my fucking days I haven’t had so many horrible ones for so long in so long man how do I deaaal
#It’s interspersed with cuter lighter stuff but it’s mainly just horrible stuff . Like bro what am I DOING to this guy#life’s been chill recently why’s everything in my head so SUCKY ??
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