#life is short the most common thing we hope for is stability and safety and happiness

[xannerz]

cont'd 🗣🔊🔊🔊

my mom had the audacity to say you would feel this way too if it was your child who wasnt str8 and i was like no tf i wouldnt, i wouldnt gaf; no one in this family has a functional marriage. there's either a lot of the men need babysitting, or there's that mutual-maybe-yall-should-have-divorced-10-years-ago type of resentment. and then some other dysfunctional bs.

but sure let's freak out over the Gays & the prospect of me dating a woman who cares about me, respects me, and is a good communicator ohhh no!!!! 👻👻👻👻

[emeraldiis]

Falling for a God

A/N: Forgot to properly post/format this fic, so here ya go ya filthy animals (ok but i wrote it so I’m filthier)

AO3 Link

Pairing: Loki x Reader

Word Count: 7.1k

Rating: Explicit (18+)

Summary: “Tell me, does being touched by a god make you nervous? I can feel you quivering, are you afraid?” Loki pauses, then leans down until his lips are almost touching your ear. “Or is that arousal I sense?”You have a huge crush on Loki, there's lots of sexual tension, y'all fuck. That's the plot.

“Nat,” you whine. “I feel like you’re not even listening.” You prance to the front of her, spinning around to walk backwards.

Natasha rolls her eyes. “Wow, are you sure you aren’t pyschic?” She keeps up her brisk pace, and you nearly trip over yourself trying to keep up.

“That’s so rude!” You exclaim, but can’t hold back a giggle. Despite her cold demeanor, you know that Nat is just messing with you. Shooting a quick glance backwards, you decide that your path is clear, and return your gaze to your friend. “You’ll tell me if I’m about to run into something, right?”

With a wry grin, Natasha gives you a thumbs up. You beam at her. “Anyway,”  you continue. “I started watching this new TV show last night, and it is so, totally awesome. There’s this guy, and he has these badass powers, and he’s fighting this girl, and she has-”

Thump.

A small oof escapes from your mouth as your back collides with something solid. You pitch forward in surprise, and yelp as you try to stabilize yourself before you fall. Large, warm hands grab your waist, tightening around you to keep you from toppling over. You sigh in relief as your frantic heart slows to a normal rhythm. “Wow, thanks,” you say, and spin around to reveal the identity of your saviour.

Piercing blue eyes meet yours, and your breath catches in your throat. “Careful, pet,” Loki murmurs softly, a sly grin spreading across his lips. His hands slide off of your waist, making contact with the sliver of skin between your shorts and your top on the way. An involuntary shiver creeps up your spine, and you bite your lip.

The reaction doesn’t go unnoticed by the ever-perceptive trickster, and his eyes flash with surprise. “Are my hands really that cold?” Loki teases. “Perhaps you could help me warm them up.” His tone is playful, but there’s something deeper underneath his banter that makes you think he’s actually flirting.

You can tell that your cheeks are red, and you choose not to respond to Loki’s question in fear of making an even bigger fool of yourself. A stammered apology tumbles from your lips, and you look back towards Natasha with a look of betrayal. She grins and shrugs. “I forgot to warn you. Oops.” Your mouth drops open. That scheming little devil. She knows about your crush on Loki, and she still allows you to make a fool out of yourself?

Your interactions with Loki were sparse, to say the least. Aside from a few casual conversations in a group, you had barely even talked to him. Still, he captivated you from the very first day he arrived at the compound. He was exactly your type; tall, dark, and brooding. Aside from Thor, most everyone gave Loki a wide berth, hesitant to forget the battle for New York. You, however, didn’t see a villain. You saw pain behind those blue eyes, and could empathize with Loki’s behavior. You knew all too well that it hurt to live in someone’s shadow, and sometimes acting out was a cry for help. Granted, Loki’s outbursts were far more drastic than yours had ever been, but it was more or less the same on a base level. And, the fact that he constantly had a witty remark on the tip of his tongue never ceased to entertain you. The man liked to hear himself talk, and damn, so did you.

It takes you a second to realize that you’ve been staring. You clear your throat awkwardly and look to the floor, eager to hide your discomfort. “Um, thank you for catching me,” you manage. When you look back up, Loki is wearing an odd expression. His pretty eyes are narrowed, searching your face. The scrutiny only embarasses you further. “Well, see you around!” WIth that, you dart around Loki and scurry off. Natasha follows you, snickering softly.

When you reach the common area, you plop yourself down on the couch and groan, throwing an arm over your face. Natasha sits down beside you. “Smooth,” she says, drawing out the word obnoxiously.

You remove your arm from over your eyes and give Natasha a withering look. “So not funny.”

Nat positively cackles at that. “Oh, come on,” she says. “He’d be an idiot to not at least have a thing for you, I mean, you’re smoking! ” She looks you up and down. “Nice rack, too.”

A giggle bursts from your lips. “Nat. Oh, my god. Stop objectifying me.”

Shaking her head, Natasha replies, “Me, objectify? I would never.”

That earns her an eye roll from you. “Sure. Anyway, can we please change the subject? I’m sick of talking about my embarrassing Loki crush.”

“What does ‘crush’ mean?”

You freeze. Now that was a distinct voice. “Thor,” you choke out. “When did you get here?”

Thor walks up behind the couch and swings himself over the back, making the poor piece of furniture creak in protest. He settles next to you, effectively sandwiching you between him and Natasha. “Just long enough to hear you discussing my brother. Now, will you please enlighten me on this strange Midgardian term?”

Before you can shut him down, Nat pipes up from the other end of the sofa. “It means she likes him. Romantically. Sexually. ”

The temptation to throw yourself onto the floor wailing is high. Instead, you opt to beg for your life. Still embarrassing, but slightly more productive than throwing a tantrum. “Nat!” You screech. You turn to Thor with pleading eyes. “Please, don’t say anything to him.”

Thor furrows his eyebrows. “What an odd expression. You’d think that the word “crush’ would be associated with something negative.” He places a big hand on your thigh. “If what Lady Natahsa says is true, then why would you not tell my brother? He is quite vain, you know. I’m sure he would be delighted to know that a beautiful woman is attracted to him!”

You groan and bury your face in your hands. These Asgardians will be the death of you. “It’s not that simple, Thor. What if he rejects me? I’d never be able to show my face around him again!”

There’s a pause, and then Thor asks you in a much gentler tone, “It seems as though you care for Loki a great deal more than you are letting on. Are you really afraid of embarrassment, or is it the heartbreak you fear?”

You’re glad that your hands are covering your face, because the way the color drains out of it at Thor’s question would have given you away. “No,” you mumble through your fingers. But he’s right, you do care for Loki more than you’d ever admit. His image ran through your head at night when you were trying to sleep, and his voice was what came to mind when your fingers were between your legs and you were pretending they were-

You rub at your eyes, then look up at Thor in desperation. “Please, if you really care about me as a friend, you’ll keep this secret.” You shoot a look at Natasha. “You, too. I may not be able to take Thor in a fight, but I could kick your ass.” You know you sound like a pathetic teenager, but you’re past the point of caring. You were perfectly happy admiring Loki from afar, and didn’t want to get your hopes up just to be met with shame.

Natasha scoffs. “As if.” Before she can continue. Thor holds up his hand.

“Lady Natasha, I believe we should stay out of this. I have done a great deal of meddling in my brother’s life, and I’ve learned that even the best intentions can cause disaster when Loki is involved.

“Thank you, Thor,” you say gratefully, relief evident in your voice. With a tired sigh, you hoist yourself up from the couch and turn to face your friends. “Well, I think I’ve had enough excitement for today. I’m going to hibernate, see you next spring.”

Natasha giggles and blows you a kiss goodbye while Thor scrunches up his face in confusion at your joke. Oh, well. Maybe he’d understand Midgardian humor one day.

*

Thunder rages outside your window while you toss and turn. You roll over to glance at your clock, and scowl when it flashes “3AM.” Giving up on the prospect of sleep, you opt for creeping to the kitchen for a midnight snack. Your bare feet pad down the carpet, and you shiver slightly at the cold air of the hall. Goosebumps rise on your bare legs and you start to regret your decision not to put on pants.

To get to the kitchen, you have to walk through the common area, and for a moment you linger just outside the entryway. There’s a soft glow coming from the corner of the room, and you mentally groan, hoping it’s one of the female inhabitants of the compound. You weren’t too excited at the idea of walking past one of the guys in just a sleep shirt and underwear. Still, your mission for food is not one you’re willing to give up on. Taking a deep breath, you step out of the hallway and into the room. And nearly pass out.

Across the room, perched in one of the loveseats, is Loki. He’s sitting with his legs curled underneath him, thumbing through a book. You consider darting back into the safety of the hall, but you’re too late. Loki has already noticed you, and is now staring far too intently for your liking. Suddenly feeling very exposed, you tug on the hem of your shirt, trying to pull it further down your legs. “Sorry to disturb you,” you whisper, afraid to break the deafening silence. Loki raises an eyebrow at you, then turns back to his book. You aren’t sure if you’re relieved or disappointed when his gaze leaves you.

Not wanting to linger in the entryway any longer, you make your way across the room, keeping your eyes down. As you pass Loki, a loud clap of thunder booms outside, and already being on edge, you yelp. Startled from the deafening sound in an otherwise quiet room, you stagger, falling backwards onto the loveseat. Right next to Loki. The sofa is small, and in your splayed out position, you’re almost half on top of the god.

Loki flinches away, and you immediately begin to apologize. “I am so sorry. I don’t know what happened, I guess I just lost my footing. Did I hurt you?” As you talk, you push yourself off of Loki and cower into the other side of the loveseat. Some more rational part of your brain urges you to get up, give him some more space, but you don’t listen. As embarrassed as you are, you’re not quite ready to give up this closeness to the object of your affection.

With a huff, Loki straightens himself and gives you a cool look. “You did not hurt me, mortal. I was simply surprised.” Then, having composed himself, he smirks and sets his book on the end table beside him. “I suppose it is only natural to have weak knees in the presence of a god.”

The comment lightens the mood, and you find yourself relaxing next to him. “You’re right, Thor’s thunder does make me a tad unsteady.”

At that, Loki stiffens, obviously having not expected you to return his teasing. For a brief moment, you feel proud. Then, something changes in his expression, and he scoots closer to you. His hand finds your bare thigh, and the contact sends butterflies through your stomach. Loki senses your restlessness and gives you a predatory grin. “Is that so? Are you telling me that this,” he squeezes your thigh, and you gasp. “Doesn’t make you feel...faint?” His voice is low, and he almost purrs the last few words.

You fight hard to keep your breathing even, not wanting to give away just how flustered you are. The heavy weight of his hand feels heavenly, and you can feel your panties grow damp. God, you hope he can’t smell it.

This predatory tone is so much different than the playful teasing that you usually receive from Loki. You’ve never seen his blue eyes so dark, and the unfamiliarity of it all tightens your stomach.

Taking your silence as a challenge, Loki presses himself even closer to you. His fingers creep up your leg, closer to your underwear. “Tell me, does being touched by a god make you nervous? I can feel you quivering, are you afraid?” Loki pauses, then leans down until his lips are almost touching your ear. “Or is that arousal I sense?”

Fuck. A full body shiver skates across your skin, and despite your best efforts, a small moan breaks free from your throat. Loki’s hand feels like a brand on your thigh, sending waves of heat up your body. The warmth pools between your legs, and you can’t help but shift a bit. Knowing that your panties are the only barrier between your soaking heat and the sofa, you arch your hips ever so slightly to keep from soiling the cushion.

Of course, your small movements don’t go unnoticed. Loki’s eyes are hooded as they rake across your bare legs, and you can hear his breathing get a bit heavier. He looks up at you, pupils dilated. “Oh, pet, look at you. Barely even touched, and already-”

He’s cut off by the sound of footsteps echoing through the hall, headed in your direction. Loki curses softly and reluctantly draws his hand away, then moves as far away as the small sofa allows. Your skin aches at the loss of contact.

The interrupting stranger’s footsteps approach the entrance to the common room, then carry on past. You let out the breath you didn’t know you’d been holding, thankful that you wouldn’t have to explain anything. Something tells you that, while there’s nothing going on now, sitting with Loki in the middle of the night might raise a few eyebrows.

You and Loki are alone again, but the moment has passed. Whatever spell that had overcome the two of you is gone, and all that’s left is a quiet room and a dim light. “I apologize, I believe I have overstepped,” Loki says, and for the first time, he sounds...unsure. His voice has lost that arrogant confidence that it normally carries, and he sounds like a child that has just been caught stealing cookies from the jar.

You bite your lip and risk a glance at Loki. He’s still pressed against the opposite arm of the loveseat, and is avoiding your eyes. Without the atmosphere of desire from before, now you just feel...awkward. Sighing softly, you rise to your feet and make your way to the hallway. You pause briefly in the entryway, and breathe out a “goodnight, Loki.” You don’t wait for a response, instead turning and trudging back towards your room.

As you flop back down in bed, you replay the night’s events over in your mind. It almost feels like a dream, and you’re having trouble believing that Loki, the God of Mischief, had actually come on to you. It didn’t seem plausible. You’re just a plain mortal, nothing special, no powers. Sure, your combat skills could rival Natasha’s, but besides that, you can’t find anything about yourself that would attract a god.

Eventually, you decide that maybe Loki was just horny, and you were in the right place at the right time. You did walk out without pants on, after all. No matter the reasoning, you know not to expect a repeat occurrence, given how regretful he had seemed afterwards. Tears brim in your eyes as the reality of the situation hits you; Loki regrets touching you. It seems that your crush was one-sided, and even though you weren’t surprised, that didn’t mean it didn’t hurt.

*

Things are tense around the compound. You creep around corners, terrified of accidentally finding yourself in the same room as Loki. And it seems that Loki is taking the same precautions, because you haven’t even seen a glimpse of him since that night. The ache in your heart from his rejection still keeps you up at night, and you still find yourself pining over him like a lovesick idiot.

Ever the observer, Natasha catches on quickly. “Are you really still embarrassed about bumping into Loki?” She asks after cornering you in the kitchen. “You’re not acting like yourself, and it is beyond obvious something is bothering you.”

You groan at her around a mouthful of a granola bar. “Are you really still thinking about it?” You counter.

Nat rolls her eyes. “Please, it’s hard to pretend it didn’t happen when you’re playing this stupid cat and mouse game. I see you check every room for him, I can’t believe you even care that much. He barely even touched you!”

A piece of your snack shoots down your throat with your gasp. You double over, wheezing and coughing. Natasha slaps a hand on your back, sighing. When you finally catch your breath, you glare at Nat. “Yeah, maybe that’s the issue.”

You immediately regret your words as a fire lights itself in Natasha’s eyes. “Want me to help?”

“Nat, hold on. No thanks-”

“Shush, trust me!” To your dismay, Natasha is already on her way out of the kitchen when she finishes hushing you. You whimper out a half-baked protest, but your friend is long gone by the time the words leave your mouth. Fuck, you’re so screwed.

LIfe  was very quickly becoming a stressful game of hide and seek. You’d resorted to spending most of the day in your room, hoping to avoid Loki, and more importantly, Natasha. You’re not sure what she has planned, but it can’t be anything good. As weeks pass by with no incident, however, you begin to drop your guard. Maybe she’s taking pity on you.

It’s around noon when you get the text. It’s an all caps message from Nat, pleading with you to at least hear her out before saying no.

That’s a terrifying text. I’m listening.

Nat: I may have bragged my way into a drinking contest with Thor, and I need a teammate to make it fair.

You want to try and outdrink Thor????

Nat: I want US to outdrink him. I convinced him that it’d be more balanced if it was 2 to 1.

You owe me.

Nat: :)

It was a terrible idea, but maybe a nice night of getting hammered is just what you need to break you out of your funk. Despite your initial reluctance, you find yourself getting excited. You hadn’t really relaxed in ages, this would be a good thing.

As the hours pass, you start to get nervous. It’s been so long since you’ve gotten properly drunk, and you seriously doubt you’ll be able to keep up with even Natasha. Still, a promise is a promise, and you have far too much pride to chicken out now.

The clock reaches nine o’clock, and you sigh. Showtime. Before leaving your suite, you set several glasses of water and a bottle of Advil on your nightstand. If you’re going to fuck over your future self, you might as well try to ease her pain. You take a deep breath and spare a glance over at the mirror against your bedroom wall. You had opted for something comfy, but cute; an emerald green dress that stopped just above your mid-thigh, and fell off of one shoulder effortlessly.

Okay, so maybe you had wanted to get a tiny bit dressed up. You’re sure Nat will tease you for it, but sometimes a girl just wants to feel pretty.

A bit breathless from those pre-competition nerves--yes, a drinking contest was that serious--you make your way to the kitchen. As you round the corner, you stop dead in your tracks. Sitting at the bar Tony had insisted on installing, is Nat and Thor, of course. But next to them, perched delicately on one of the stools, is Loki. He wears a look of disdain, as if this entire competition is beneath him. You hope he can’t tell how badly you want to be beneath him.

Natasha gives you a wicked grin as Thor waves you over, his smile far more innocent-looking than Nat’s, though you’re sure he had a part in this. Cursing your terrible friends under your breath, and yourself for falling for it, you trudge over. Naturally, the only stool left is the one on the end, directly next to Loki. You gingerly hoist yourself up and slide onto the seat.

You stubbornly keep your eyes on the counter, not daring to even glance up at Loki. It’s obvious from the way he’s angling himself away from you and towards his brother that he’s regretting that night, and doesn’t want to be near you. You don’t blame him, humans must seem like animals compared to gods. The reality is that you were a mistake to him, and you just needed to accept that and move past.

Breaking the awkward silence, Thor produces a jug of what looks like beer from god knows where. He grins and gestures to it grandly. As he opens his mouth to speak, you cut him off. “Hold up! I thought this was two against one? Loki being here makes it unfair.”

Natasha rolls her eyes at you. “Yeah, I may have bent the truth to get you to come out. It’s teams of two, but we have a handicap. Our drinks and shots count as twice the actual amount, and they’ll be drinking Asgardian mead. So,” She smirks. “No more complaints, let’s do this shit.”

You swallow nervously at the mention of shots. You could hold your liquor fairly well, but you and shots had...history. Nat knew how touchy you got when you were drunk, and how much of an oversharer you tended to be. Though you have to admit that her plan is almost flawless, you’re still unimpressed with her shenanigans. She’s pretty much set you up to embarrass yourself.

You twiddle your thumbs in your seat as Natasha grabs a bottle of Svedka from behind the bar and begins to pour the beginning drinks. Following her lead, Thor pops open his jug and splits it between two large glasses, then passes one to Loki, who sighs in apparent boredom. He shoots you an unreadable look, then grabs one of the shot glasses that Natasha filled and slides it your way.

With a mumbled “thanks,’ you gingerly take the glass, and look at Nat and Thor. Thor raises his glass. “May the better warriors win!” He announces, then tips back his glass. You roll your eyes at the word choice, but bring the shot glass to your lips and throw your head back. The liquor goes down rough, but you manage to keep your poker face and grit your teeth against any retches.

“The lady can drink!” Thor bellows, wiping at his face.

You shrug, wanting the spotlight off of you. “Um, I went to college?”

Before Thor can question you, Natasha cuts in. “Hello? I took it just as well, where’s my applause?”

“Natasha, you are not a lady,” Loki deadpans. Nat glares and pours herself another shot in response, throwing back the second one just as easily as she had the first. She then points at you. You can’t help the laugh that bubbles up. Despite everything, Loki was still Loki, and he still had your heart. It seems that the tension between you and Loki dissolves after you laugh at his quip, and he relaxes his stiff posture.

You sigh in relief and reach for the bottle to refill your own glass. This time, it goes down easier. That is, until the burns travels past your stomach, right down to between your legs. You squirm in place at the unexpected burst of arousal. Still, you should have been ready for it. Alcohol has always gotten you a little worked up. It was your mistake to believe you could fight it.

Despite the setback, you keep up with your teammate as the night goes on. Shot after shot, broken up by the easy conversation that emerges as the liquor continues to flow.

You’re not sure when the competition was forgotten, but you soon find yourself splayed on the couch next to Loki, laughing hysterically at some story he’s just finished telling about Thor in his youth. You look over at him, hazily trying to center your double vision to properly admire the god. His cheeks are flushed red from the alcohol, and he looks more relaxed than you’ve ever seen him.

Loki glances over, catching you staring, but you’re far too intoxicated to be embarrassed. Instead, you hold your gaze, waiting for a reaction. Loki smirks, then eyes his brother with annoyance.

“Brother,” he says, voice a lazy drawl. “I believe we’ve won this contest, wouldn’t you say?”

Thor cocks his head, then widens his eyes in understanding. “Oh, certainly! In fact, I think it would be necessary for me to walk you back to your quarters, Natasha.”

Natasha begins to protest, but it dies on her lips as her gaze flickers between you and Loki. “What a gentleman,” she purrs, only swaying slightly when she rises from her seat. “Lead the way.” Taking his outstretched hand, Natasha stumbles down the hall with Thor, giggling excitedly.

Now that it’s just the two of you, you expect things to get awkward, but find that you’re still just as comfortable. “Well, I guess I have to bow to the drinking champ,” you slur, sitting up to give a half hearted bow.

Loki throws his head back and laughs. “You,” he manages between snorts, “are far more fun to be around than most others on this planet.”

You scoff and wave your hand dismissively. “You’re only saying that ‘cause I bowed to you.” Chewing on your lip, you let your eyes drift back over to Loki. In your drunken haze, he just looks so...comfy. Before you realize what you’re doing, you slide over to lean up against him. Loki’s surprisingly warm, and you sigh contentedly, letting your mind wander back to how his hand felt running up your thigh.

The arousal from earlier that you had forgotten about rears its head, turning your sigh into a shaky exhale that is not at all subtle. The air feels thick, just like it had on that one stormy night, and you press yourself closer to Loki, unable to resist how good his body feels against yours.

Loki freezes for a moment, then seems to force himself to relax into you. His arm snakes around you until he’s holding you comfortably against his side. For one brief moment, you start to wonder if this is a good idea, given how things had ended in the past, but the intoxicated part of your brain tells the sober part to go fuck herself, and then you’re speaking without thinking. “Do you want to walk me to bed?”

Oh, shit. You can’t believe that just came out of your mouth. A wave of sobering panic hits you, and you untangle yourself from Loki and shoot up from the couch. Before you can flee, however, a pale hand grabs hold of your arm, stopping you in place.

Loki gets up, then moves his grip from your wrist to your hand. “I think that is a lovely idea. Allow me?” With the hand that isn’t holding yours, he gestures toward the hall. Well, that was unexpected. You try not to giggle in child-like excitement, and instead nod hurriedly.

Your heart speeds up at the feel of his hand in yours, and you start off down the hall, letting Loki pull you towards your suite. Caught up in trying to navigate the titling floor, you don’t notice that you’re being led the wrong way until the two of you come to a stop at a door that definitely does not belong to you. You look up at Loki in confusion. “This isn’t my room.”

“I know,” Loki growls, then opens the door and whirls you both inside. When you’ve recovered from the swift movement, you manage to pull away from Loki’s grip.

“What-what’s going on?” You say, attempting to sound stern. Loki stalks towards you. Instinctively, you back up, until you’re pressed against the wall with Loki boxing you in.

Loki presses his hands to the wall on either side of your head and sneers at you. “What’s going on?” He mocks. “I’ve craved your body under mine since long before our little nighttime meeting, and I have run out of patience for games.” He leans in and presses a kiss to your neck, grazing you with his teeth. Just like before, his playfulness has given way to a domineering aura, but you’re not complaining one bit.

You barely suppress a full body shiver. “But,” you protest weakly. “I, I thought you regretted it. I mean, you never said anything about it, so I figured...oh…” you trail off into a soft moan as Loki roughly licks up the side of your neck, growling.

“And when would I have gotten the chance?” Loki pulls away from his assault on your skin to look you in the eyes. “You have been avoiding me for nearly a month.” Those blue eyes are staring daggers at you, and you realize that there’s hurt behind all that frustration.

Your mouth goes dry. He’s right, but the eye contact from his smoldering stare is making you forget how to speak. Fumbling with your words, you cast your gaze downwards. “Yeah, I guess I have. But with what you said after we were interrupted....I thought you were uncomfortable with what happened.”

A dark chuckle spills from Loki’s lips. “The only discomfort you have caused me is the nights I have spent spilling over my own hand because I could not have you. ”

You gasp softly as Loki’s words send a wave of heat through your overheated body. Loki takes that as encouragement, and presses himself closer until his lips are grazing yours. “Tell me you don’t want this and I’ll leave,” he mumbles, eyes hooded.

Your response is to surge forward, hands flying to the back of his head as you roughly pull him in to kiss you. You both groan at the contact. The kiss is anything but gentle; your fingers are tangled in Loki’s hair, tugging harshly, and you can feel his teeth nipping at your bottom lip. It was far better than you could have imagined, and the dizzying pleasure of it all has you feeling drunker and more sober at the same time.

Before long, the room spins as Loki lifts you and hoists your legs around his waist. He kisses you breathless as he walks slowly down the hall towards what you can only assume is his bedroom. There’s a giddy part inside of you that squeals with excitement at being carried like that, but it’s quickly overshadowed by lust as you and Loki reach his bedroom. He tosses you onto his king sized bed like a doll, then kneels on the floor and yanks your ankles until your bottom is almost hanging off the bed.

Loki slides your dress up and nuzzles the inside of your thigh. “I could smell your arousal the entire night,” he says, nearly purring. “May I taste?”

You sit up on your elbows and stare down at him, face flushed with mild embarrassment at his face so close to your soaked panties. Dumbly, you nod, words failing you. Loki growls his appreciation and hikes up your dress, taking a brief moment to admire the soft fabric. “You look absolutely ravishing in green, I’ve wanted to tear this off of you since the moment I laid eyes on it.” And then he’s sliding your panties down your legs and plunging his tongue into your heat.

A ragged gasp tears its way from your throat and you throw your head back. You feel the grin form on Loki’s lips against your skin, and a fresh gush of arousal flows down your thighs. Loki eats pussy like it’s an art form he’s been perfecting for ages. His lips tug at your pussy, worshipping every fold like it’s the last meal he’ll ever have. You open your mouth to make some joke about his silvertongue, but all that comes out is a pathetic whimper as Loki drags his teeth lightly across your clit.

It isn’t long before the pleasure reaches its peak.You fight hard to keep your legs from clamping around Loki’s head, but you can’t help it when you crest over the edge of orgasm. Your muscles lock up, your back arches, and you scream. White hot euphoria explodes from your core, spreading through your body like venom. Loki’s tongue works you through it, slowing to wide, long strokes as you begin to come down.

You’ve barely recovered when Loki rises from his knees and crawls up your body, coming to a stop when his face is inches from yours. His eyes are hooded, and his glistening lips are parted to allow frantic, heated pants to escape. “Pet,” he hisses, leaning down to nuzzle into your shoulder. “You taste sweeter than the fruits of Asgard.” He bites at your collarbone, making you shudder in your post-orgasmic haze.

Still out of it, you sluggishly fumble at Loki’s belt. “Wanna make you feel good, too,” you mumble and lick your lips. Loki bats your hand away, shushing you.

“Darling, there will be plenty of time for that later. Right now, I need to feel you.” He grabs your shoulders and drags you up to the pillows, so that you’re lying comfortably on your back with him hovering above you.

Your heart skips a beat at the mention of ‘later.’ So this wasn’t just a one-night stand? You don’t have time to process that, however, as Loki barely gives you a moment to breathe. He sits back on his knees, straddling your waist, and with a wave of his hand, you’re both stark naked. Your hands twitch, wanting to cover yourself. Being naked in front of an attractive man has always intimidated you, but the fact that Loki was a god made it worse. As if sensing your sudden shyness, Loki leans in to kiss at lick at your breasts, and brings his hands up to pin your wrists to the bed. You sigh in pleasure, insecurity fading with every hot swipe of his tongue, not even wanting to struggle against his hold.

Loki lowers himself to grind against you. His hard cock slides against your dripping folds as his narrow hips press into yours. Both of you shiver, and you arch your hips to bring him closer. Loki growls against your skin and sits up. He lets go of your wrists, roughly grabs your waist and angles it to meet his. “Ready, pet? I can’t wait, I need to have you.” he breathes, eyes locked on yours.

Like a deer in the headlights, you’re frozen, anticipation coiling tightly under your skin. Slowly, you nod. Loki wastes no time. He smirks, then slides himself into you, the stretch burning in the loveliest way. Your heated groan mingles with his, and when Loki’s hips come to rest against yours, he falls against your chest, panting. You appreciate the time he gives you to adjust; Loki’s cock is thick, and longer than anything you’ve ever taken, and you can feel it throbbing desperately within you. Now that he’s released your hands, you bring them up to thread through his soft, black hair. He closes his eyes and leans into your touch, nearly purring.

“Tell me when, love,�� Loki grits out, fighting to keep his voice steady. The shakiness in his usually smooth tone is arousing to no end, and you can feel yourself clench around him in approval. Loki’s hips twitch at the fluttering of your walls, and though you’re more than ready, you decide to torture him a bit longer.

You bring your legs up to wrap around Loki’s  waist, pulling him closer. He shivers, but keeps his composure, remaining almost statue still. His concern for your comfort makes your heart swell, but you want to see him lose control. “You’re so big,” you whimper out, the alcohol in your system quelling the embarrassment you’d usually feel when talking dirty. You press your face into Loki’s neck, grazing your teeth along the pale skin there.

With a deep growl of barely kept composure, Loki rises up to rest on his elbows, desperate eyes searching yours. It seems that being the God of Lies gave Loki the ability to see through your cruel game, and his expression turns dark, though the neediness is still blatant. You shift nervously as he stares you down, already regretting your mischievousness. “Feeling playful, are we?” Loki asks.

Your mouth goes dry at being caught and your core tightens around him again, earning you a flutter of his eyelids. “I…” you trail off, eyes drifting to Loki’s parted lips. Watching you gaze, Loki grins at you.

“Oh, pet. I think you may be confused. You are mine to toy with, not the other way around.” With that, Loki leans down to crush his lips into yours. His tongue forces its way into your mouth and you whine around it. While his tongue’s distracting you, Loki takes his chance to begin pounding into you at a ruthless pace, and you break away from the kiss to throw your head back and shriek out a moan.

You feel utterly wrecked, stomach clenching and nerves alight with pleasure as Loki continues his assault on your body. Your eyes are squeezed shut, so his teeth nipping at your jaw come as a surprise, sending a whole new shockwave of sensation down your neck.

“You feel so fucking good, pet,” Loki moans, his voice quickly losing its characteristic steadyness. He sighs out something that sounds suspiciously like a whimper, and brings one of his hands down to toy with your clit. Your legs tighten around him involuntarily. “A-ah, fuck,” Loki grits out, increasing his pace.

The pleasure is overwhelming, and the unhuman speed at which Loki’s pounding into you leaves you no time to catch your breath. Moans and whines erupt from your mouth in a constant stream, and Loki keeps his mouth hovering above yours to drink them in. “I wanna cum,” you whimper as Loki’s assault on your senses continues.

“Then cum, pet,” Loki groans, hips stuttering. “ Cum for your god.”

You keen, writhing and chasing your high. As you climb up to your orgasm, you are met with a startling realization that Loki has already ruined you for anyone else. No human man could match the fire that he’s set upon your nerves, the blinding pleasure that mounts with every thrust and kiss. With that settling into your mind, you finally reach your second peak of the night.

Your eyes try to flutter shut, tears brimming at the corners as you wail Loki’s name again and again. Through the haze of your climax, you notice Loki’s muscles begin to tense as he nears his orgasm as well, and you force your eyes to stay open in order to watch him come apart.

Watching Loki cum is almost like a second climax. He speeds up impossibly, mouth hanging open and eyes barely able to stay focused on you. “You’re mine,” he growls out. Choked moans fall from his lips as he nears the edge, and you rake your nails down his back to encourage him.

“Cum in me, please, I need it, make me yours” you ramble breathlessly.

“Oh, fuck, I-I’m so close,” Loki manages, voice breaking. You continue to coo pleas and encouragements at him, and the way his eyes roll back at your wrecked voice gives you an intoxicating rush of pride. Finally, with a whimpering moan, Loki stills, cock pulsing within you and hips twitching as he pumps you full of his cum.

Loki slumps against you, still moving in aborted little thrusts, as if he can’t quite stop fucking you just yet. The weight of him on top of you is heavy, but not unwelcome, and you take the time to bask in the euphoria of having just slept with the god you’d pined after for so long.

“That was…” you start, words failing you.

“Divine,” Loki finishes for you. He slides his cock out of your pussy, and with it comes a gush of warm cum that you’re sure will stain the sheets. He rolls off of you, then guides you onto your side so that he can pull you up against him.

You weren’t expecting Loki to be the ‘cuddling after sex,’ type, so having him spoon you was surprising, to say the least. He nuzzles his nose into your hair, and you find yourself wanting to fall asleep like that; comfortable in his bed and safe in his strong arms.

Still, there’s a nagging question that won’t let you fully relax. Not wanting to expect too much, you brace yourself for the worst and open your mouth to speak. “Loki...what does this mean for us?”

Loki tenses behind you, and your heart breaks at the assumed rejection as he begins to pull away. “Are you...are you not mine? I thought this was-I’m sorry, I must have misunderstood. Forgive me.”

This time, your heart breaks for a different reason. Loki sounds so hurt, so unsure of everything, and you can hear a scared little boy behind that velvet voice. “No!” You nearly shout, turning around to pull him back to you. “I want to be yours, I promise,” you say as you tug Loki back into your arms, running a soothing hand down his back. “I just wasn’t sure if that’s what you wanted.”

The relief in Loki is visible as he relaxes into you. “Love, I am yours as much as you are mine, do not doubt that.”

The pet name brings a smile to your lips. “I wouldn’t have it any other way,” you reply happily. Heart full, you roll back over so that Loki can snuggle into you again, and finally let your drowsiness overtake you. You catch a faint, ‘I love you,’ just before you drift off to sleep, and though it could just be your mind playing tricks on you, you know that you love him, too.

[betweentheracks]

can you tell us what your credentials are and what sort of studies/coursework did you have to take up to get to your position? and, if not too personal, what your day to day work life might look life in and out awards seasons or other big ticket events your clients might need styled for?

This is long and rambling, I do apologize. 

Regarding coursework and education routes into becoming a pro stylist, the thing is that there isn’t necessarily a need for a specific type of education. You could literally drop school and strive for success by the grit of your teeth and iron will alone if you really want and still could gain great acclaim. It isn’t exactly common but it does happen if you strike upon fortunate circumstances and garner experience wherever possible to form the base of your portfolio and profile which will later shape your reputation. 

As it is, most studios and clients do tend to give more consideration to those that come from an academic qualifications and learning. While experience if the foreground on which all stylists (and any other set of industry workers) tread, having the support and security of studying styles and fashion and marketing and all manner of related blather gives a sense of merit and provides opportunities for your to be selected for a job despite a lack of reputation or experience. The best stylists fall from both trees and the worst do as well; there is no guaranteed recipe for success in this field as fashion itself is too fluid in expression to be quantified. 

As for what I did; I had hands in both pots and have the educational background that assures I know what I am doing in terms of textual/technical understanding as well as experience from moments of pure luck compounded by my audacious efforts. I have a Bachelor’s compromised of fashion merchandising, fashion retailing, marketing, and visual arts. I took side courses at a fashion technical institute with a more tailored program that catered to the fundamentals of fit, body (and measurements) assessment, design and trends, media styling, and fashion industry principles. Additionally I did half a semester of social skills in a business. From there I went on to snatch up an internship and spent a bit more than a year being a shadow of the stylists for the company I work for before grasping a golden chance to become notable and step beyond that restricted role. I also have the certifications of AICI CIC and AICI CIP with hopes to one day finally snag the coveted AICI CIM (respectively; certified image consultant, certified image professional, certified image master).

I had friends that have worked in and out of this end of the industry and knew from the jump that I wanted to pad my portfolio with the safety net provided by academia and use it to bridge the gaps in my experience early on. I figured if I had the knowledge of how to deal with the business side of things as well as the styling side then I was a bit more valuable and, worst case, could go be a consultant or advisor for retailers or big wig company heads. As it is, the only reason I have any clout to my name at all is due to my internship - it paved over all the potholes in the road I was on and has been very favorable, but not everyone is as fortunate as I have been and this is not an easy path to undertake and forge into a career with any real sense of stability or security. Freelance stylists have a completely different struggle despite the majority coming from similar backgrounds as myself. 

Now, onto the daily scope and specs of wardrobe styling ~

Please take into consideration that I am an admitted workaholic/perfectionist/overachiever within the boundaries of my work. I’m quite lazy in almost every other sense of living and make existing seem like a wreck and I’m the one driving the struggle-bus that caused it, but for the job I have I am a supremely different breed (though still a lunatic). So yeah, I do a lot more than most would in my position and it is actually something that my company head both loves and hates and is rumored to be writing a clause for all employees regarding allowable working methodology due to the sheer amount of paperwork I alone generate. I am the hazard of our company, but I am also an asset. 

Anyway, I start most of my days with a lot of reading through emails that range from client comments and commands to vendors looking to use my company or clientele to bolster their credibility, to brands extending offers of product usage for marketing and campaigning reasons, and a variety of back and forths between me and the PAs or clerks of photographers, other studios, and fashion houses. Next comes hours of phone calls and reviewing schedules to ensure there is no intersections between client-oriented event slots. For one photoshoot I typically spend 3-4 weeks on the semantics of lighting quality and set features and then the rest of the time is dedicated to wardrobe and piecing out however many styles are called for, and then usually adding in at least 2 extras just for good measure. There's so many meetings my butt goes numb and touching base with the other members of my glam teams to reaffirm that we are all working on tandem and on the same page as far as vision goes. I sometimes have a turn in taking care of a new trainee or intern that is wandering our workplace like a fawn on clumsy legs and have questionable instincts.

When it comes to pulling apparel to make up sets, I have been known to be in the rack rooms and show rooms and fashion archives for over 7 hours a day. Our archivists know me as personally as I know my assistants and friends from how often I am in there territory and have to rely on their hardwork and favor. I spend days doing this until I have what I need and then dedicate every bit of my attention designing and creating looks which is another 5+ hours of one day, over the course of many. I have had days where I have been at work for 16 or 17 hours before I realize it, which is why I am such a thorn in my boss’ ass and often told to take a day off or get sent home midway through the morning - my hours alone could have business bureaus raising their eyebrows at the legality of my working hours. (This is cranked to max when shows and events are in the schedule; Awards Season is a nightmare and tours are the bastard offspring of Hell actually. The amount of hours put in are truly horrific). 

Also worth mentioning for the sake of perspective is that my job is as expansive as my clients allow; if they request me for one of their various activities in the public eye or in media, if available, I am obligated to prioritize their needs above the projects that my company has assigned to me as per our contract and am expected to either find a replacement or delegate to my assistant and apprentice when possible. The opposite is also true: if my clients have a light workload or are on break from their careers, I am typically doing the busy work of in-studio tasks or tracking rising trends and other features of the fashion forecast. I also host a multitude of temporary contracts with all manner of clientele from brand ambassadors to photographers to celebrities to commercial shoots & services. These jobs come upon official requests made through the company and then negotiated into the terms of how short the working schedule will be, what work I will be undertaking, and an assessment of skills vs revenue to maintain a balance of my time as a professional being properly valued within the sad decline of styling budgets before it will be officially taken on in my name. For these I tend to make better use of my status and hand off most of the project unless I am specifically needed. I make appearances as necessary but am mostly an advisor rather than the producer, instead focusing on my exclusive clients all while staying keyed in so that the work isn't below standard. This is all a badly kept secret of my company and myself - the clients do typically know and accept this is how I handle things in general and are aware that they are paying for an absent role of by way of my name/credentials unless they specify otherwise. There have been times when a side job like this has more prestige than all the years of my experiences combined could generate which ostensibly is treated with much more care and most of my other work pauses in deference to this. 

Being a stylist, especially a wardrobe AND fashion stylist, is just so much I don't think I could fully capture the scale of it for a proper index of what we do. 

In short, I don't have routine days. I have days that are at the beck and call of a workload that changes at the drop of a pin or the half digit uptick that dictates the emergence of a new trend or the downwind of when a trend skews into becoming mainstream. I can be paced out and looking at a light day at my desk and suddenly be crammed into a pitch meeting or called out to a set. I've also spent many days lounging on the sofa in a client's dressing room playing on my phone and cracking jokes with the glam team as we wait for our client to return between performance takes. And then there are days when I only go into work for our weekly meeting and review before heading back home. It's constant and consuming and sometimes I can't catch my breath before I'm shoved into the show room under a daunting time crunch because an entire ensemble has been misplaced or ruined. Just a matter of days before I was felled by COVID-19 I was having a nap during a photoshoot which I had already fulfilled my purpose and had no further need to participate in.

The reality is that I spend the majority of my time carving out a balance of my work life not superseding my time dedicated to being with my son and making sure he knows no matter what, he is above my hectic career always.

[consentandprevent]

Blog Deliverable #2: Environment & Context

Sexual violence experienced by anyone is almost always a result of a power imbalance between the two parties. Some examples of power imbalances are men versus women, bosses versus assistants, or teachers versus students. In a case of sexual assault, the more powerful person will take advantage of their position and violate the other person. The victim does not feel safe reporting the incident because of shame, guilt, or fear of losing their job or other status.

There are many organizations that exist to support victims of sexual violence. It is common for universities, cities, school districts, and counties to have their own list of resources for victims.  These resources include hotlines, shelters, and health centers.   

One local organization that combats this issue is Sexual Assault Resource Center Oregon. They serve for the  empowerment of  these victims to stay strong and stabilize their mental well being in the traumatic experiences they were faced upon. Many of the issues people will face around sexual assault is revealing clothing, alcohol,drug use, flirting, weather but in reality most cases that revolve around sexual assault are sexual offenders. If a man or woman decides to wear a piece of clothing it does not mean they are asking for it, if they are alone it does not mean they are asking for it, these are all just excuses for certain individuals to act on a woman or man. PTSD plays a major role in how survivors cope with the trauma, many will begin to have nightmares, guilt, hypervigilance, excessive self- blame, apathy, dissociation, poor self- esteem. It can take a toll on someone’s life and how their perspective of certain things or people can be seen. Through time sexual assault awareness has been spread all around the world through advocates, organizations, rallies, and over the news to prepare the people with what might be happening in their own homes, schools, and occupations.

In California, a group of women form a non-profit organization to advocate for ending shame, stigma, and sexualized violence towards women on twitter @Sexual Assault Awarenes. They embolden in their motto to speak up for those who can’t. They hope for a better future where women are not alone and should not be afraid to continue to push forward through their crisis. Consent is important and should be shared with others so that they become aware of consensual touch to mean, “I care about your comfort, I care about your safety, I care about you”. When consent is practiced, this then decreases the amount of cases. Whether it is man or woman, their body is their choice and they have the right to decline consent, or revoke consent after giving it. Ultimately it is not okay for unwanted attention or actions to be driven towards someone because they are under the influence, wearing a short skirt, have their hair down, or simply walking alone. Lack of consent is, of course, the most fundamental factor of sexual violence.

  There are additional programs such as the Victim Assistance Court Program and Legal Representation Program, and for bilingual speakers a program called Confianza (Spanish for ‘confidence’), a counseling services for spanish- speaking victims. So many programs and hotlines offer these services for individuals who need the help or simply in need to speak to someone about what has happened to them. Awareness should continue to spread and be shared amongst others so we can prevent what can happen and what we can learn from so it does not happen to the next woman, man, or child. 

 References

(2011). https://twitter.com/SexAssaultAware

(2020). Sexual Assault Resource Center Oregon. Retrieved from http://www.sarcoregon.org/.

[vvatchword]

Woo-Woo

When I was a child, I was excessively mystical. I remember putting a plastic dinosaur and grass clippings and bits of bread and earth into an easter egg and burying it with excessive prayers in the hope that it would emerge as a baby dinosaur. In junior high, I was sure that (a) I had a spirit dragon? and (b) was telepathic. Seriously. I was pretty cringey. (I have since heard from others that they had a “magic yen” in their childhoods, and have been relieved to see a Tumblr post about this same topic. I’d love to know if some of you practiced similar things.)

Now, I am an atheist who loathes religion. But you know what sucks? Knowing the whole world is based on a series of laws so vast and impersonal that I am but a bacteria sploshing around in their shadows for a split second. You know what’s fun? Not thinking of myself as a bacteria sploshing around for a split second. Like it or not, faith gives you a larger purpose, a sense that somebody bigger is watching out for you and cares what you do with your life. One could argue that life is, in itself, a marvelous thing; but it’s a thing that exists in SPITE of the vast forces in the universe, and develops because of stability (read: safety, a lack of dramatic change, an accidental cosmic shelter). Nothing in the universe cares that you are alive besides other living things trapped on the same interstellar dirt clod. The only protection we have is our ability to understand our universe and create tools to mitigate its most terrifying effects. Thinking that you have the protection of an ultimate god or gods is a great comfort, in short, and anyone who laughs at the faithful is a fool.

One of the things I miss about my old faith is the ritual. The gathering as a group with a single purpose, inviting the presence of a higher power, singing simple, easily repeated songs, sitting down or standing up on cues, clapping and, if we were in a more Charismatic gathering, dancing. The quiet rituals of prayer that began and ended these meetings, taking Communion, the excitement of a baptism, the utterance of tongues—all of these things were exciting and different and enjoyable. I felt safe, I felt important, and I felt like I was showing due respect to the greatest force in the universe.

Now, what do I have? There are no rituals for the atheist. The only common trait among atheists is their lack of belief in a god (and, often, their lack of respect for their fellow man, or the importance of their feelings). After leaving my old faith, I was wary of all religions. Even the most relaxed, Earth-friendly faiths can turn dogmatic—Shinto and various New Age belief systems being some of these. (I’ve since come to the realization that dogma is just a natural outgrowth of human tribalism; every group forms its in-groups and out-groups, and the coded language to separate each. The biggest problem with religion is not dogma, but that it encourages members to accept beliefs without sufficient proof.) I have no interest in calling on any gods or spirits; they can all fuck off. I experienced a haunting in my childhood that I still don’t understand. Why should we trust something we can’t accurately behold, something that can represent itself as anyone or anything? You wouldn’t trust just any human being with your wellbeing, so why trust any random fart from the ether? Why do we tend to believe that otherworldly entities are all friendly pals who are intensely interested in helping us out? If I became an otherworldly being, I would not be interested in helping any of you with your love lives, let’s just say that.

In other words, I want religion. I want to feel like I’m part of something larger; I want a ritual; I want to express a general thankfulness. I want to do all of this, but without gods and spirits, because there’s no proof of them or their natures. 

I want a thought system that is NOT infallible, that CAN be proven wrong, that I can leave or alter at any time. In other words, no faith involved. (Faith is useless at best, harmful at worst--only a con artist asks you to accept a belief system without results.)

I want to acknowledge the vast and terrible Lovecraftian beauty of the universe, and how lovely and miraculous our Earth is, and the amazing thing that life is, but I also don’t need a universe that needs or wants me.

I want to acknowledge how amazing our species is, but not set that species apart from all the other species on this planet. A common human conceit is setting himself apart from the animal kingdom, or fetishizing and anthropomorphizing other species without truly understanding them. 

I don’t want to rip off other religions; it’s often inaccurately and inconsiderately done. For example, a lot of New Age philosophies rip the limbs and skins off of other faiths without a lot of thought or respect—various Native American belief systems and a varied mish-mash of Buddhist sects, for example. Pretty much anything non-Christian is a target. There are a lot of racist undertones to New Age practices, one of them being the “Noble Savage” archetype, another mixing all Native American cultures together in a bizarre Shepherd’s Pie, which I desperately want to avoid.

In my wanderings, I eventually started using Tarot cards. I have a little collection of them, and read up on them and use them regularly. I can use my knowledge of Christianity to interpret them, which is pretty cool (what are those four beings around The World? I know, I know!). Most importantly, I feel free to disagree with them. I use them the same way a psychologist might use ink blots: they help me to divine myself.

Recently, I bought a little plywood grid to use with them, and a number of crystals. I turn on gentle music, I light the Multi-Purpose Candle, I turn on the vaporizer with its nice lavender scent, I set out the pretty woo-woo rocks, I decide on what I want to think about today. I have created a small ritual all for myself. It’s the most stupid goddamn thing I’ve done in ages and I’m having so much fun. I feel like I’m five again. It’s a great sensation.

It’s also very difficult to explain to anyone. 

If my parents found out that I have Tarot cards and woo-woo rocks, they’d blow their gaskets. They’d be honest-to-god furious and terrified (because “witchcraft”). My dad asked me to throw out my omamori from Japan, for god’s sake. You should have seen them flip out about a bit of sage I brought into the house.

New Age practitioners are also probably not going to understand, for that matter. Many really think that using a specific rock is going to help increase the clarity of your third eye or summon visions/otherworldly beings, for example. The owner of the single New Age shop in town told me that if I had a sore throat I could set an amethyst on my neck to help it. One website unironically suggested gargling with beryl. (I asked KC which crystal gave you the Heimlich Maneuver afterward.)

And the thing is, I don’t want to insult New Age folks, either. I want this for its emotional reward, for the trappings of religion without religion itself. I like seeing all the stones that the shop owner has put around each doorway, and I love the stink of the essential oils and the flicker of candles. I have no interest in mocking or belittling the shop owner for her beliefs any more than I want to mock the beliefs of my parents.

This shop owner actually holds regular meetings for learning divination of various sorts--tea leaves, understanding the different suits of the Tarot, etc. She was teaching someone to extract essential oils when I walked in the other day and told me she was thinking about setting up a class for making mead. I adore her goals and beliefs--I love the idea of trying to recapture some older faith and way of life that has long since passed away, something that may have once belonged to our great-grandparents in some far-away land. (Something usurped by Christianity, something local and meaningful in a season- and nature-linked way.)

Of course, the reality is that we’re far from that land, and anything we create now is a twisted shadow of ancient beliefs--more akin to fantasy novels than to the experiences of our very real forebears.

This is a very long way to say that I would like something genuine that could belong to me in a religious way, but I don’t want to lie about who I am or what I think, and I don’t want to be disrespectful to others in the process. I’m not 100% sure if I can do that. It feels unpleasant.

We’ll see what I come up with. Maybe I’ll go through the cards to figure it out.

[aliceslantern]

Beyond this Existence, Counterpoint, chapter 11

Summary:  After being recompleted, Ienzo vows to do everything in his power to atone for the atrocities he committed in the past. But this life hasn't been easy, and he's plagued with memories and nightmares. When Demyx suddenly reappears, the two discover that they have more in common than they thought, though the secrets in their past might tear them apart. Zemyx (Demyx/Ienzo), post kh3

Read it on FF.net/on AO3

---

It seemed to grow piercingly cold all at once. The next day they ended up having to go to the market for warmer clothing. Four days had passed, between sleep and trauma. Ienzo found himself dreading to return to the research, which was unusual. He wanted to help Sora, desperately, but at the same time, he’d been experiencing so much--good and bad--lately that he wasn’t sure he could have a clear head.

He would just have to try his best, and, if need be, ask for help. He’d finally started to make some progress, after all.

The day passed quickly and relatively peacefully. Ienzo did feel a lot better, no longer plagued by the headaches and dizziness that had no doubt been a result of sleep deprivation. His anxiety, too, was much more manageable, though he guessed this might be because he was spending so much time with Demyx.

Ienzo was in love.

As a teenage Nobody, he’d read some romance novels, mostly to try and gain some insight as to what this all meant in the world, especially for the Somebodies he’d been put in charge of observing or manipulating. He’d always found such descriptions of love melodramatic and overblown, lacking grounding in reality. Of course, the fact that most of these novels were written for heterosexual couples might change things too.

He felt the precise opposite of that dissociative, codependent infatuation. He’d hardly ever felt more awake, and more himself. Maybe that was why he was so afraid to leave the safety of this week. This stability and peace was so very tenuous.

Demyx helped him make dinner. He tried to take the instructions Ienzo gave him, he really did, but his knife cuts were not very clean or uniform. Ienzo couldn’t help but wonder how Demyx had been raised. With some things he was so practical and capable, but yet he couldn’t dice onions.

“Why’d you learn to cook?” Demyx asked him.

Ienzo checked the recipe. They were making a sort of bouillabaisse. He measured out a few different spices. “Perhaps you’ve noticed, but we apprentices tend to view our bodies more as vessels for the mind more than anything else. The meals I were raised on were nutritious, but bland. It frustrated me when I was younger, so I did research.” He shrugged. “It’s something I enjoy doing. Objective. Harmless.” It was the closest to artistry he could get.

Demyx pointed to the still-fading scar on his hand.

“ Largely harmless,” he corrected. “More so than my other research. Are those carrots ready?” That brought him, inevitably, to spiraling about Sora. He had to be careful. But wasn’t time of the essence? The more time Ienzo spent away from his work, the farther Sora was drifting from all of them. Ienzo reached over and corrected Demyx’s cuts before mixing them into the pot.

“Are you beating yourself up again?” Demyx asked. “We’ve talked about this.”

“You always ask questions about me. That doesn’t seem fair. Tell me more about you.”

He started slicing down the potatoes in front of him. “There’s not a whole lot to know,” he said. “You know about as much about me as I do.”

“...So you haven’t remembered anything else?” Demyx’s heart should be complete by now. This amnesia was concerning. Was it all trauma and repression? Or had Xehanort’s heart done more damage to him than they’d originally thought? But then Even’s memories should be scattered too, and by all accounts they weren’t. Worry tightened in his throat.

He sighed. “There is one thing,” he said. “Um, it’s kind of a doozy though.”

Ienzo looked up. Really it had only been a month or so since Demyx’s return. Did he just need time? “Pray tell.”

Demyx set down the knife.  “Well. Don’t freak out. But--”

Ansem’s voice broke the moment. “Oh, boys, that smells absolutely incredible.”

“Ienzo did all the work,” Demyx said without making eye contact. “I’m just moral support.”

“That’s not true. He’s trying,” Ienzo said. “It’ll be ready in about an hour. I hope you’ll be joining us?”

“I shall.” He paused slightly. “You look much improved. Perhaps I shall take a page out of Demyx’s book.”

“I am… feeling rather better.” This was the first time Ienzo had spoken to Ansem since he’d found out about the relationship. He couldn’t pretend it wasn’t awkward. It had been all too easy to avoid him, lest he feel the need to give his two cents, or worse, try to feign parenting. When it came to something this personal, he did not need unsolicited advice.

“And you were both able to find good things for winter?”

“Yeah. Thanks again,” Demyx said.

Ansem smiled. “Like I said, I wish for you to be comfortable here. Winters in Radiant Garden can be… bracing, if one is not used to it. I can feel it even now. Perhaps, Demyx, if you wouldn’t mind, you can help Aeleus light the boilers sometime in the next coming days?”

Demyx blinked. “I don’t know why I’d be the right one for the job.”

“He needs assistance. I’m afraid with all of us tied up in our work, and Dilan still acting as guard, we’re one pair of hands short.”

“I’m happy to help,” Demyx mumbled. He turned back to his potatoes.

Awkwardness aside, Ienzo wanted to ask about the state of the research. No doubt Ansem had been investigating as well. It took a great deal of restraint not to ask. The model's face, so alive, so like the real thing, flashed behind his eyes. He felt recovered, but that didn’t mean he was. Still, his hands trembled.

“I shall see you in an hour,” Ansem said.

“I’ll hold you to it,” Ienzo said. He added some thyme to the soup. “Well. What is it you wanted to tell me?”

“...Nothing. It can wait.” He smiled.

“So you’re happy to help,” Ienzo said. Flirting was new to him, but he liked it. A new and unexplored use of wit. “I can’t tell if you’re trying to talk up Master Ansem, or if I’ve been a good influence on you.”

He seemed to hesitate, but really only for a fraction of a second. “Neither. It really is cold as fuck in here!”

“I’m afraid even with the heating it doesn’t get much better. This place is very old, poorly insulated. You’d better brace yourself. Though admittedly… it occurs to to me there is one way to keep warm.” Before he could lose his nerve, Ienzo kissed him. Part of him wondered, briefly, if he was only doing this to distract himself; warmth and want chased off the anxiety. Humanity was so manipulable. He'd always wondered why.

“Ienzo!” Demyx gasped in surprise.

He felt his face warm. “When this week ends, we won’t have that much time together,” Ienzo said.

He brushed a finger against Ienzo's lip.  “I’m not going to let you overwork yourself like that again. You can’t get rid of me.”

“Is that a promise?”

Demyx kissed him back equally as deeply, pulling his fingers through his hair and trailing down to his throat. The only thing that interrupted them was the loud sloshing as the pot boiled over. Ienzo swore and dropped the burner’s heat to “low.” “Later?” Demyx asked.

Another surge of anticipation, stronger this time. “Later.”

After all that, dinner was a bit of a fiasco. The food came out alright, despite the cream overheating. The apprentices’ old hierarchy was still very much in place; thinking nothing of it, Demyx had sat next to Ienzo, not realizing it was Even’s place. Nobody really outwardly commented, though Dilan did smirk. He’d always been a glutton for drama. Seeing them all here, gathered together, Ienzo felt something akin to embarrassment. The truth of their relationship had already been revealed, but to have it acknowledged added a strange layer of tension to the air. This sort of thing had never happened before.

“I see you’re feeling well, Ienzo,” Even said sweetly. “What is it you’ve both done to keep yourselves busy?”

The impudence of this made the blood rise in his face, but Ienzo replied pleasantly, paring the truth down to something palatable and non-incriminating.

“I am sure we’re all glad to see you back in good health,” Even said to him. “I just hope that this new development does not cloud your judgement going forward. To be young and… caught up in such matters, can no doubt impede your critical thinking. However natural it is.”

Demyx’s eyes flashed, but he said nothing.

Ienzo set down the cup of tea he was drinking. “Clearly you have thought on the subject, and I appreciate your concern. But I feel as though I am just as able to take on my research as I ever were. Not that I have asked for your advice. Should you have more to say on the matter, please let us discuss it in private.”

Even turned faintly pink.

“You needn’t worry about me anymore,” Ienzo said, a bit more gently. “I… I’m not the little boy I was.”

Even shook his head. “I will always worry about you,” he said. “After all, I’ve so much time to make up for.”

After a rather pregnant silence, Demyx cleared his throat. “Anyone want seconds?”

They both did the dishes. Ienzo was extra cautious to make sure that no knives were lying around. They returned to his room, though the mood from before had been spoiled. Demyx sat on the bed.  Ienzo turned towards the window, looking out at the town wreathed in fading light. “I must apologize for Even. It was incredibly rude for him to be so suggestive.”

Demyx joined him. “Why? Everyone knows.”

“They used to be… quite protective of me,” he said, with a shake of his head.

“I think it’s nice they care so much about you.”

“They don’t… dislike you,” he said. He flinched at the double negative.

“They think I'm not good enough for you. And they're right."

Ienzo took his hand and sat down next to him. “I don’t think you understand the impact you’ve had on me,” he said quietly. “If it were not for you, I’d still be there, miserable and working myself to death, unable to find any value in myself aside from needing to atone. I… I know the mistakes I made cannot be undone, but I… I’m better. Destroying myself isn’t going to fix what I did. You’ve… brought me back to reality. And if they don’t realize that, then they’re worse off. I wish they could see what I see in you. Your kindness, your patience, your emotional intelligence.”

Demyx shook his head.

“Healing is a slow, tedious, constant process. You can’t allow yourself to get caught up in moments like these. They don’t matter.” He touched Demyx’s face. “You do. We do.”

Demyx blushed. “I didn’t realize you were such a romantic,” he said.

“I… still have a few things to learn.” He kissed him gently.

Intimacy was still new and shocking to him, though at least he had somewhat of an idea of what to expect. Ienzo didn’t want to be so passive this time. He pulled his legs around Demyx’s waist and kissed him along the throat, along the soft spot that always made he himself feel weak. Demyx responded by pulling him down on top of him.

"I admit," Ienzo whispered. "All of this is... very new to me still. But I think I'm starting to understand."

Ienzo wondered if he should tell him, if he should say it out loud. But he had to know already. Everything he’d just said meant ten times more. He felt Demyx reach for the buttons of his pants and figured maybe now was not the time for talking. Clothing having been dealt with, Ienzo touched him, rivers of veins and muscle and bone, and scars. He kissed them and found that he’d been right about it also being pleasurable for Demyx, if the reaction he felt meant anything. He could feel it too, heavy and delicious and impermanent. To a degree, what Even said about this muddying thought was completely accurate. But was it such a sin to try and stop thinking for a few moments? The hand he'd been propping himself up with tightened against the sheets. "I want to..." Ienzo's voice sounded strange, a little like someone else's. "I want to do this for you. I--" His experience with such frustration was minimal, but he couldn't imagine it was easy.

He bit his lip a little and brushed Ienzo's hair out of his eyes. "If you're not ready--"

His face burned feverishly. He could only imagine how ridiculous he must look. "I am ready. And I want to. I just... I'm not, technically speaking, sure how?" He should probably try it on himself one of these days, if only to know the difference in sensation, but the thought was so jarring he pushed it away.

Demyx laughed a little. "Do you remember what I did to you?"

He nodded. The memory of it almost made him gasp out loud.

"Something like that."

He smiled shakily. "This isn't really something you read about in books."

"I guess it wouldn't be."

This shouldn't be difficult. He wanted to do it, to make him feel good as well. Yet finding the nerve took some time. Ienzo kissed him. He tried to will the trembling in his hands to stop. His hand brushed against Demyx's waist and hip and thigh. The scarred skin was warm. Demyx kissed him harder, his hand tangling in Ienzo's hair. This distraction was enough for him to touch his (what was it called in such moments? Wasn't "penis" too medical?) dick. The skin there was softer than he though, more natural. At least it was somewhat familiar in terms of structure. He stroked it gently and heard a small sound catch in Demyx's throat.

Ienzo pulled away from the kiss. "Was that alright?"

He nodded, unable to catch his breath. "Just a little bit more towards the--"

He tried to oblige. There was a sort of pleasure in doing this. He felt Demyx start to touch him too and tried to copy that. The awkward self-consciousness began to fade, replaced with the same lovely thoughtlessness as before. It was amazing that the body was capable of such pure joy. Little waves of it broke over him, heightening the tension within. He wove the trust and love into his touch and felt the same in return. The vulnerability did not feel so much like a weakness as a strength. It was okay. The rising, tightening feeling in him was recognizable now. He tried briefly to hold it back, but the need for release was just too tempting. He heard Demyx gasp as he came against him.

“I see,” Ienzo said softly, pressing a kiss into his sweaty brow. “It really is simpler than I thought.” The stress had been for naught.

Demyx lay back. “I swear this is not indicative of how long I usually last.”

Ienzo laughed. He shifted off of him, onto his side. “So do you feel better?”

“ So much better.”

He did too. The utter lack of anxiety was intoxicating. “I’ll keep that in mind.” He leaned against him. “You’ve been so patient with me.”

“It wasn’t all for you. Everything feels so different than it normally does. Plus I… I’m not used to the emotional part of it.”

“The sense of connection is… certainly unique. If I’ve learned anything, emotions are always capable of becoming more overwhelming. No matter their strength.”

Demyx hummed in response. For few minutes, or however long they remained knotted up together, he felt perfectly at peace. If there was anything to worry about, there was a later in which to do it.

“What the hell is that?” Demyx asked.

“My gummiphone. Though I have no idea who would be calling.” He got up and pulled on a robe, then reached into his lab coat pocket for the phone. “I’m sorry. I have to see who it is. Hello?”

“Ienzo? Are you busy?” Roxas’s voice, garbled.

“No, I’m not. What is it?”

It was hard to tell exactly what he was saying. Something about “worldlines.” Anxiety, or panic, made Roxas speak quickly.

“Slow down. The signal is not very good.”

“Are there universes other than this one? Like parallel universes? Xehanort mentioned something about worldlines but when I tried to ask Ansem about it he didn’t answer.”

That was so like Ansem. He probably hadn’t even heard the phone ring. “Well I do suppose it’s possible but I’ve had no insight this past week as to what he’s been up to, I fell ill and was resting--” He only knew about the Worldlines Theory vaporously--because it was just that, theory.

“Are you sick?”

“No, I’m alright now. And yourself? You sound distressed.”

“I mean I think I am? And then Riku went over to Yen Sid to ask more about it, and well, he said it’s possible, especially with the power of waking. They said Sora broke the rules of the power and walked between worlds. So they think that, if he’s done that, he’s in another worldline. Ienzo, do you know anything?”

Yes. Yes, it was all making sense. How had he not even taking the power of waking into account? He’d assumed it had all to do with hearts. He’d been wrong. “I understand,” he said woodenly. “I’m afraid if that’s the situation then… I’ll try my best, but you must realize the prognosis is not good.”

“Can you check in your research? See if anyone knows anything?”

“Yes, I’ll let you know. Try and take care.” He hung up. His mind was spinning but no good thoughts came from it. He sat down on the bed.

“What happened?” Demyx asked. “Who was that?”

“It was Roxas. They think Riku’s got a lock on Sora’s location.”

“But isn’t that… good? Then why are you both upset?”

Ienzo was wringing his hands. “Because he’s not in this reality. We’ve no way to get him back. Wherever he is… he’s there, alone. And there’s nothing we can do about it.”

[katsbooks]

Schwarze Nacht - Chapter Six

Walter C. Dornez x Reader

‘All orders by Master Integra Hellsing will be followed to the letter. Any complaints will be given in written form to the Head Maid, who will in turn give them to Master Hellsing. You will have Sundays and Wednesdays off to do as you please, within reason and without violation of Organization policy. Otherwise, you will be in the uniform given to you at all times outside of your room. Your shift will begin at 5:30 am and will end only when the Head Maid, Butler (Sir Walter C. Dornez) or Master Hellsing deems it over.

      If there are any questions or concerns that are not addressed in your pamphlet, please consult the Head Maid or Butler.’

           Walter began (Y/n)’s weapons training the day after the probation period ended.

           Where she was pretty efficient with a handgun and a normal rifle, Walter wanted her to try out a sniper rifle. He had her outside on the rolling grounds of the manor, with a target over 500 meters away. She laid on her belly, the rifle cradled in her hands as she looked down the target sight. Her shoulders and arms were cramping a little from holding the heavy gun for so long and her grip was starting to grow shaky.

           Walter was knelt down beside her, instructing her on how to steady the gun. He reached down and held the hand holding the underside of the barrel with his own, offering a little more stability. (Y/n) aimed carefully, for the heart of the target and held her breath for a second, before firing, releasing her breath.

           “Five centimeters to the left, but you’re starting to get the hang of it,” Walter said with an approving smile. (Y/n) groaned and flipped the safety on, setting the gun down so that she could sit up, rolling her stiff shoulders. “You’ll grow used to the weight and position. It’s always difficult to deal with at first.”

           “I hope so, otherwise I’ll end up looking like a board….” She commented, rubbing her neck and arms to loosen the tense muscles.

           “Hm….are there any other weapons you’re interested in learning how to use?” Walter asked. (Y/n) thought for a minute.

           “…knives.”

           “Knives?”

           “Yeah. They’re easier to conceal, lighter and just seem a little more practical in my personal opinion,” (Y/n) shrugged. Walter hummed as he disassembled the sniper rifle, placing it back into its case.

           “….well, I don’t know much about handling knives, but Master Hellsing and Alucard are quite familiar with blades. I could talk with them about possibly teaching you,” he suggested. “Until then, though, I would like for us to focus on your gun handling.”

           (Y/n) grimaced a little. “Lovely.”

           By the time Sunday rolled around, she ached in places she didn’t know she could ache. Walter had her practicing with that sniper rifle every day, assembling and disassembling it, cleaning it and shooting it. She rubbed the back of her neck, sitting in the galley with her morning coffee.

           “Good morning, Miss (Y/n).”

           She looked up wearily, “Morning, Walter.”

           “Are we tired, my dear?” he inquired, sitting down across from her with his morning tea and a small stack of toast.

           “Mostly body sore, which in turn makes one tired,” she said.

           “You’ll have to grow used to that feeling, working with that rifle,” he stated.

           “I know. I’m just being a whiner,” she smiled a little. Walter chuckled as he stirred in his usual spoonful of sugar for his tea. “Doesn’t training me take away from your own duties, Walter?”

           “Not really. It is part of my job to see that you’re properly trained,” he said. (Y/n) hummed and swallowed a mouthful of her coffee. “So what is the plan today, (Y/n)?”

           “I’m planning on walking to town today,” she said. “I’ve got a letter coming in and a book I’ve been waiting to come out is finally in the stores.”

           “Ah, would that be a sequel to that mystery novel I loaned you?”

           (Y/n) grinned, “You caught me.”

           “I suspected as much when you kept it a little longer than usual,” Walter smiled.

           “Yeah, I really liked it. I might pick up the first while I’m there, too, so I don’t have to keep stealing yours,” she chuckled.

           “Well, why don’t I accompany you today? I’d rather like to get my hands on it as well.”

           “It would be nice to have some company,” (Y/n) admitted. “I was planning on leaving after I finished breakfast.”

           “Very good, then.”

           (Y/n) smiled and turned her attention to finishing up her bowl of sliced peaches. Thinking on it, it really hadn’t felt like she had been there over three months. It felt both shorter and longer than that.

           “Something bothering you?”

           “Hm? Oh, no. Just thinking about how long I’ve been here. It doesn’t feel it,” she said.

           “Is that a good thing?”

           “I suppose so. I feel comfortable enough here to not really let something like time bother me, but then I think on how long or short it’s been since I arrived here and I’m surprised because it doesn’t feel like that much time had passed at all,” she said.

           “When you stay busy and you work with people you enjoy being around, you tend not to notice time passing by,” Walter stated. “Now then, are we finished?”

           (Y/n) looked down at her empty bowl, where her fingers had absently been feeling around in. “…I guess so. I hadn’t even noticed I had finished my breakfast. Darn.”

           Walter chuckled and stood, putting away his and (Y/n)’s dishes as she wiped down the table real quick, before they walked out of the manor together, once he let Integra know where he was going.

           It was a pleasant day, the sky was bright blue and there was a comfortable breeze blowing, the temperature just cool enough to ask for a light coat.

           “It’s growing close to winter,” Walter noted, having donned a light jacket before leaving.

           “Yes, my favorite time of year. I love the cold,” (Y/n) smiled brightly. “I love the snow and the warm blankets and hot chocolate, all of it.”

           “Even the blizzards and ice storms?”

           “Alright, not real big on them, but the results can be pretty.”

           Walter chuckled, “I’m rather one for fall or spring. Nice in between seasons.”

           “Mm, yeah. The colors around that time of year are lovely,” (Y/n) agreed. “Weather’s not too bad, either.”

           “Not at all.”

           They stopped at the post office for (Y/n) to grab her letters, which she opened as they walked to the bookstore.

           “’ Miss (Y/n),

                       As pleased as we are to hear that you have a full-time, successfully paying job, I’m afraid we must decline your offer of returning home, even for visit. Your parents have both decided that it is within everyone’s best interest for you to stay—‘ Oh this is just rubbish,” she scowled, folding it up. Walter looked at her curiously.

           “May I ask why you would have to send an inquiry to return home?”

           (Y/n) sighed, tossing the letter in the trash she passed by to open her second envelope.

           “I mentioned that I moved here from America, on my parents’ pushing. Well…I got into a little bit of a scrap back home, when my parents won the lottery and joined the rich folk. I didn’t approve of the change in behavior just because we had money and they didn’t like that too much. So…hence why I’m here, working for Master Hellsing, instead of living at home with my parents. I guess they got a secretary now to deal with the letters. Ugh,” she shook her head, tugging out the second letter. “Dear (Y/n), really happy to hear that you’re working full time now! So glad to hear that Head Maid got what was coming to her. Sorry this is so short, but expect a present within the next couple weeks! Lots of love, Sammy.’ Hm…what is that girl planning? Her letters are never this short.”

           “Your friend, I take it?” Walter smiled.

           “Yeah, Sammy. She’s something else, I’ll tell you that,” (Y/n) smiled fondly as she pocketed the letter, before glancing over the last three envelopes. “Marriage offer, marriage offer…ooh, what’s this? Oh. Oxford’s rejection letter.” She tossed them into the next trash can they passed.

           “Marriage offers? Because of your parents, I take it?”

           “Because of their money, is more like it. What these poor sods don’t realize is that I don’t see a penny of that money,” (Y/n) shrugged. “If I’m going to marry someone, it’ll be because I love them and they love me. Not because of money or looks or age or whatever…”

           “That’s a very wise thing to do,” Walter hummed.

           “I don’t know about wise. More like just…common sense. Why marry for money or looks if you’re going to be unhappy for the rest of your life, right?”

           “Very true,” he agreed, stepping forward to open the door to the bookstore for her. She flashed him a smile, stepping inside with him behind her. She loved the smell of a bookstore, breathing in the scent of paper and ink.

           “What a wonderful smell,” she sighed happily.

           “Indeed, it is such a comforting scent,” Walter agreed. (Y/n) smiled, and walked to the new books table, finding what she was looking for.

           “Oh yay, it’s a sales week too!” (Y/n) nearly squealed, hugging the book to her chest. Walter chuckled softly, picking up a copy for himself.

           “It’s a pleasure to see you so excited over something so small, Miss (Y/n),” he smiled warmly. (Y/n) felt warmth slide up her cheeks and she gave a sheepish smile.

           “I’m sorry, I just…I really like reading. I’d like to be a writer someday,” she admitted.

           “Really? I’d be most interested in seeing what you would write,” he said. (Y/n) chuckled softly.

           “Maybe someday,” she smiled, heading towards the checkout line. Walter smiled as he watched her for a minute, before following after her with a slight pep in his walk.

[balliversedu]

Chapter 16: Self Help Tools

From: Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving by Pete Walker

This chapter is composed of six toolboxes, each with a set of tools to address different recovery issues. Nonetheless, I still value these lists as indispensable adjuncts to my own journey of recovering. I often hand out these lists to clients at appropriate times in their journey. I also give them to students who attend my classes. I have received a great deal of positive feedback about how helpful they have been to enhancing recovery.

My friends and clients whose recovery progresses at the greatest rate are those who supplement their therapy with self-help activities. Those who print out these lists, and carry them around or post them in a conspicuous place until they are deeply ingrained seem to take a quantum leap in their recovery.

I hope that you become immersed in these lists, and that they give you the healing support that I have seen so many others receive from them.

TOOLBOX 1 - SUGGESTED INTENTIONS FOR RECOVERY

Here are normal and safe wants and needs to wish and hope for . . . to cultivate with mental, spiritual, emotional and physical energy. As usual, focus on the ones that most appeal to you. Skip the ones that do not feel right for you or that you do not feel ready for.

I want to develop a more constantly loving and accepting relationship with myself. I want an increasing capacity for self acceptance.

I want to learn to become the best possible friend to myself.

I want to attract, into my life, relationships that are based on love, respect, fairness and mutual support.

I want to uncover a full, uninhibited self expression.

I want to attain the best possible physical health.

I want to cultivate a balance of vitality and peace.

I want to attract, to myself, loving friends and loving community.

I want increasing freedom from toxic shame.

I want increasing freedom from unnecessary fear.

I want rewarding and fulfilling work.

I want a fair amount of peace of mind, spirit, soul and body.

I want to increase my capacity to play and have fun.

I want to make plenty of room for beauty and nature in my life.

I want sufficient physical and monetary resources.

I want a fair amount of help (self, human, or divine) to get what I need.

I want God’s love, grace and blessing.

I want a balance of work, rest and play.

I want a balance of stability and change.

I want a balance of loving interaction and healthy self sufficiency.

I want full emotional expression with a balance of laughter and tears.

I want a sense of meaningfulness and fulfillment.

I want to find effective and non-abusive ways to deal with anger.

I want all this for each and every other being.

TOOLBOX 2 - HUMAN BILL OF RIGHTS

[GUIDELINES FOR FAIRNESS AND INTIMACY]

I have the right to be treated with respect.

I have the right to say no.

I have the right to make mistakes.

I have the right to reject unsolicited advice or feedback.

I have the right to negotiate for change.

I have the right to change my mind or my plans.

I have a right to change my circumstances or course of action.

I have the right to have my own feelings, beliefs, opinions, preferences, etc.

I have the right to protest sarcasm, destructive criticism, or unfair treatment.

I have a right to feel angry and to express it non-abusively.

I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone else’s problems.

I have a right to refuse to take responsibility for anyone’s bad behavior.

I have a right to feel ambivalent and to occasionally be inconsistent.

I have a right to play, waste time and not always be productive.

I have a right to occasionally be childlike and immature.

I have a right to complain about life’s unfairness and injustices.

I have a right to occasionally be irrational in safe ways.

I have a right to seek healthy and mutually supportive relationships.

I have a right to ask friends for a modicum of help and emotional support.

I have a right to complain and verbally ventilate in moderation.

I have a right to grow, evolve and prosper.

TOOLBOX 3 - SUGGESTED INTERNAL RESPONSES TO COMMON CRITIC ATTACKS

The attacks of the critic often operate below the radar of self-awareness. Unless we can identify them, we are at their mercy and helpless to deconstruct them. Once we learn to recognize inner critic attacks, the simple techniques of Thought-Stopping and Thought-Substitution are powerful tools in short-circuiting the critic.

There are two categories of attacks. Perfectionism attacks, fueled by toxic shame, create chronic self-hate and self-flagellation.Endangerment attacks, fueled by fear, create chronic hypervigilance and anxiety.

PERFECTIONISM ATTACKS

1. Perfectionism. My perfectionism arose as an attempt to gain safety and support in my dangerous family. Perfection is a self-persecutory myth. I do not have to be perfect to be safe or loved in the present. I am letting go of relationships that require perfection. I have a right to make mistakes. Mistakes do not make me a mistake. Every mistake or mishap is an opportunity to practice loving myself in the places I have never been loved.

2. All-or-None & Black-and-White Thinking. I reject extreme or over generalized descriptions, judgments or criticisms. Statements that describe me as “always” or “never” this or that, are typically grossly inaccurate.

3. Self-Hate, Self-Disgust & Toxic Shame. I commit to myself. I am on my side. I am a good enough person. I refuse to trash myself. I turn shame back into blame and disgust and externalize it to anyone who shames my normal feelings and foibles. As long as I am not hurting anyone, I refuse to be shamed for normal emotional responses like anger, sadness, fear and depression. I especially refuse to attack myself for how hard it is to completely eliminate the self-hate habit.

4. Micromanagement/Worrying/Obsessing/Looping/ Over-Futurizing. I will not repetitively examine details over and over. I will not endlessly second-guess myself. I cannot change the past. I forgive all my past mistakes. I cannot make the future perfectly safe. I will stop hunting for what could go wrong. I will not try to control the uncontrollable. I will not micromanage myself or others. I work in a way that is “good enough”, and I accept the existential fact that my efforts sometimes bring desired results and sometimes they do not. “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.”

5. Unfair/Devaluing Comparisons to others or to your most perfect moments. I refuse to compare myself unfavorably to others. I will not compare “my insides to their outsides”. I will not judge myself for not being at peak performance all of the time. In a society that pressures us into acting happy all the time, I will not get down on myself for feeling bad.

6. Guilt. Feeling guilty does not mean I am guilty. I refuse to make my decisions and choices out of guilt; sometimes I need to feel the guilt and do it anyway. In the inevitable instance when I inadvertently hurt someone, I will apologize, make amends, and let go of my guilt. I will not apologize over and over. I am no longer a victim. I will not accept unfair blame. Guilt is sometimes camouflaged fear: “I am afraid, but I am not guilty or in danger”.

7. “Shoulding”. I will substitute the words “want to” for “should” and only follow this imperative if it feels like I want to, unless I am under legal, ethical or moral obligation.

8. Over-Productivity/Workaholism/Busyholism. I am a human being not a human doing. I will not choose to be perpetually productive. I am more productive in the long run, when I balance work with play and relaxation. I will not try to perform at 100% all the time. I subscribe to the normalcy of vacillating along a continuum of efficiency.

9. Harsh Judgments of Self & Others/ Name-Calling. I will not let the bullies and critics of my early life win by joining and agreeing with them. I refuse to attack myself or abuse others. I will not displace the criticism and blame that rightfully belongs to my original critics onto myself or current people in my life. “I care for myself. The more solitary, the more friendless, the more unsustained I am, the more I will respect myself”. - Jane Eyre

ENDANGERMENT ATTACKS

10. Drasticizing/Catastrophizing/Hypochondriasizing. I feel afraid but I am not in danger. I am not “in trouble” with my parents. I refuse to scare myself with thoughts and pictures of my life deteriorating. No more home-made horror movies and disaster flicks. No more turning tiny ailments into tales of dying.

11. Negative focus. I will stop anxiously looking for, over-noticing and dwelling on what might go wrong or what might be wrong with me or life around me. Right now, I will notice, visualize and enumerate my accomplishments, talents and qualities, as well as the many gifts life offers me, like music, film, food, beauty, color, books, nature, friends, etc.

12. Time Urgency. I am not in danger. I do not need to rush. I will not hurry unless it is a true emergency. I am learning to enjoy doing my daily activities at a relaxed pace.

13. Disabling Performance Anxiety. I am reducing procrastination by reminding myself not to accept unfair criticism or perfectionist expectations from anyone. Even when afraid, I will defend myself from unfair criticism. I won’t let fear make my decisions.

14. Perseverating About Being Attacked. Unless there are clear signs of danger, I will thought-stop my projection of past bullies/critics onto others. The majority of my fellow human beings are peaceful people. I have legal authorities to aid in my protection if threatened by the few who aren’t. I invoke thoughts and images of my friends’ love and support.

TOOLBOX 4 - TOOLS FOR LOVINGLY RESOLVING CONFLICT

This is a list of techniques and perspectives I’ve gathered over the years to help couples resolve conflict as lovingly as possible. When I give it to couples that I work with, I ask them to take time at home to read it aloud together and to discuss each one as much as necessary to see if they can agree to adopt it as a guideline for handling conflict.

When I first got together with my wife eleven years ago, we spent considerable time on a weekend trip discussing these guidelines one at a time. We aired our concerns, enthusiasms, caveats and reservations about using them. Over subsequent years, we refined our usage of them, and have evolved a communication style around our conflicts that has helped to keep our intimacy healthy and ever growing.

Normalize the inevitability of conflict & establish a safe forum for it. Discuss and agree to as many of these guidelines as seem useful.

The goal is to inform and negotiate for change, not punish. Punishment destroys trust. Love can open the “ears” of the other’s heart.

Imagine how it would be easiest to hear about your grievance from the other. Say it as it would be easiest for you to hear.

Preface complaints with acknowledgement of the good of the other and your mutual relationship.

No name-calling, sarcasm or character assassination.

No analyzing the other or mind reading.

No interrupting or filibustering

Be dialogical. Give short, concise statements that allow the other to reflect back and paraphrase key points to let you hear that you are accurately being heard.

No denial of the other’s rights as outlined in the Bill of Rights above.

Differences are often not a matter of right or wrong; both people can be right, and merely different. Be willing to sometimes agree to differ.

Avoid “you” statements. Use “I” statements that identify your feelings and your experience of what you perceive as unfair.

One specific issue, with accompanying identifiable behavior, at a time. Ask yourself what hurts the most to try to find your key complaint.

Stick to the issue until both persons feel fully heard. Take turns presenting issues.

No interrupting or filibustering.

Present a complaint as lovingly and calmly as possible.

Timeouts: If discussion becomes heated either person can call a timeout [one minute to 24 hours], as long as s/he nominates a time to resume. {See 1 below}

Discharge as much of any accumulated charge before hand as possible.

Own responsibility for any accumulated charge in the anger that might come from not talking about it soon enough.

Own responsibility for accumulated charge displaced from other hurts. {See 2 below}

Commit to grow in your understanding of how much of your charge comes from childhood abuse/neglect.

Commit to recovering from the losses of childhood by effectively identifying, grieving, and reclaiming them.

Apologize from an unashamed place. Make whatever amends are possible.

Include your intention to correct your behavior in the future. Explain your extenuating circumstances as evidence – not as an excuse - that you were not trying to be hurtful.

1. More on Timeouts, #16

Two of the most common reasons that relationships break up is irreconcilable differences and irreparable damages. The latter could have been prevented in many cases if couples knew how to use timeouts judiciously.

This is especially true for fight-type trauma survivors, who when flashing back, can easily lose control to the outer critic and say intimacy-destroying things. Survivors benefit greatly from learning to recognize the signs of being over-activated so that they can then take timeouts to stop the bleeding caused by a critic on the rampage.

Things said in the heat of a flashback can wound deeply and engrave themselves in the psyche of the other in ways that cripple trust. So much of this needless intimacy-destruction will be prevented if both members of the couple agree that either of them can call a timeout whenever they feel too triggered to be lovingly confrontive, or are experiencing the other as flashing back into being overly aggressive.

Timeouts can range from one minute to 24 hours depending on how long it takes either or both partners to achieve good enough flashback management.

Timeouts work best when the person calling them nominates a time to resume conflict resolution, so that timeouts do not become techniques for dodging issues.

Timeouts can be used individually as a time to release any accumulated charge. This can be done by using the safe “angering out” techniques I describe in chapter 5 of my book, The Tao of Fully Feeling.

2. More on Transference, #19 & #20

In using this list with couples, I notice that those who are most skilled in conflict resolution, have achieved significant skill with steps 19 through 21. These steps are about learning to handle transference.

For trauma survivors, transference is often a type of flashback whereby we unconsciously react to our significant others as though they were our childhood caretakers. When this occurs, we displace onto them a great deal of our unresolved childhood emotional pain.

One common example of this occurs when a partner’s fair and minor complaint triggers a torrent of rage, fear and/or shame that is left over from decades of a parent’s overwhelming and rejecting criticism.

Another instance of this occurs when her failure to say what he was hoping to hear stirs up the pain of decades of his aloof, detached mother or father’s neglect. All gender combinations can of course fall into this trap.

The composition of most conflicts that I witness in my office eventually seems to be approximately 90% re-experienced pain from the past and 10% actual current pain. Harville Hendrix’s

Getting The Love You Want, is a wonderful guide for working through this dynamic in a way that heals childhood wounds and enhances intimacy at the same time.

In my experience, the vast majority of conflicts between consenting adults involve a dynamic where both people play a part and have some responsibility for a disruption in their loving connection.

Truly healing resolutions to conflict typically occur when each partner owns their part and expresses an apology about their contribution to the conflict. For deep level resolution this usually includes an apologetic reference to your transference. A good apology sounds something like this of this: “I’m sorry for the amount of charge I had in expressing my disappointment. While I believe I have a fair complaint, the intensity with which I expressed it was too much. I’m sorry I responded to you as if you were my constantly withholding mother.”

TOOLBOX 5 - SELF-GRATITUDES 12X12

This chart is a self-esteem building exercise and is best approached as a work in progress. Try to think of twelve entries for each category. Resist the critic’s all-or-none dynamic, and list something if it is generally true of you a good deal of the time. Work on it when you are not in a flashback. Ask someone who you trust enough to help you with this exercise.

1. Accomplishments

2. Traits

3. Good deeds

4. Peak Experiences

5. Life Enjoyments

6. Intentions

7. Good Habits

8. Jobs

9. Subjects studied

10. Obstacles overcome

11. Grace Received

12. Nurturing memories

GRATITUDES ABOUT OTHERS 12X12

This chart is an exercise for deconstructing the outer critic’ program of generalizing that everyone is as dangerous as our traumatizing caregivers. Use the same guidelines as those of the last chart.

1. Friends [past and current]

2. Inspiring people

3. Inspiring authors

4. School friends [whether or not you are still in contact]

5. Circles of friends [past and current]

6. Childhood friends [you do not need to still be in touch with them]

7. Teachers

8. Kindness of strangers

9. Pets & Animals

10. Work friends [past and current]

11. Groups [past and current]

12. Nurturing memories

TOOLBOX 6

I am ending this book with a reiteration of the most essential principles of Cptsd recovering. Please reread these steps to help anchor them in your psyche. Notice also if they reverberate with you more significantly than when you first read them back in chapter 8.

13 STEPS FOR MANAGING FLASHBACKS

Say to yourself: “I am having a flashback”. Flashbacks take you into a timeless part of the psyche that feels as helpless, hopeless and surrounded by danger as you were in childhood. The feelings and sensations you are experiencing are past memories that cannot hurt you now.

Remind yourself: “I feel afraid but I am not in danger! I am safe now, here in the present.” Remember you are now in the safety of the present, far from the danger of the past.

Own your right/need to have boundaries. Remind yourself that you do not have to allow anyone to mistreat you; you are free to leave dangerous situations and protest unfair behavior.

Speak reassuringly to the Inner Child. The child needs to know that you love her/him unconditionally– that s/he can come to you for comfort and protection when s/he feels lost and scared.

Deconstruct eternity thinking. In childhood, fear and abandonment felt endless – a safer future was unimaginable. Remember this flashback will pass as it always has before.

Remind yourself that you are in an adult body with allies, skills and resources to protect you that you never had as a child. [Feeling small and fragile is a sign of a flashback.]

Ease back into your body. Fear launches you into “heady” worrying, or numbing and spacing out.

Resist the Inner Critic’s Drasticizing and Catastrophizing.

Allow yourself to grieve. Flashbacks are opportunities to release old, unexpressed feelings of fear, hurt, and abandonment. Validate and soothe your child’s past experience of helplessness and hopelessness. Healthy grieving can turn your tears into self-compassion and your anger into self-protection.

Cultivate safe relationships and seek support. Take time alone when you need it, but don’t let shame isolate you. Feeling shame doesn’t mean you are shameful. Educate your intimates about flashbacks and ask them to help you talk and feel your way through them.

Learn to identify the types of triggers that lead to flashbacks. Avoid unsafe people, places, activities and triggering mental processes. Practice preventive maintenance with these steps when triggering situations are unavoidable.

Figure out what you are flashing back to. Flashbacks are opportunities to discover, validate and heal your wounds from past abuse and abandonment. They also point to your still unmet developmental needs and can provide you with motivation to get them met.

Be patient with a slow recovery process. It takes time in the present to become de-adrenalized, and considerable time in the future to gradually decrease the intensity, duration and frequency of flashbacks. Real recovery is a gradually progressive process [often two steps forward, one step back], not an attained salvation fantasy. Don’t beat yourself up for having a flashback.

[a]Gently ask your body to Relax: feel each of your major muscle groups and softly encourage them to relax. [Tightened muscles send false danger signals to your brain.]

[b]Breathe deeply and slowly. [Holding your breath also signals danger.]

[c]Slow down: rushing presses your brain’s flight response button.

[d]Find a safe place to unwind and soothe yourself: wrap yourself in a blanket, hold a pillow or a stuffed animal, lie down on your bed or in a closet or in a bath; take a nap.

[e]Feel the fear in your body without reacting to it. Fear is just an energy in your body. It cannot hurt you if you do not run from it.

[a]Use thought-stopping to halt the critic’s endless exaggerations of danger, and its constant planning to control the uncontrollable. Refuse to shame, hate or abandon yourself. Channel the anger of self- attack into saying “NO” to your critic’s unfair self-criticism.

[b]Use Thought-substitution & Thought-correction to replace negative thinking with your memorized list of your qualities and accomplishments.

[strangesmallbard]

parks and rec sq au!!

1. 

emma has based an alarming number of Big Life Decisions on impulse and another thing called well, what the hell? but this is pushing it. especially coming from her roommate, who double ordered their welcome mat five years ago. just in case. for what, mary margaret? in case, emma. so i can’t regift it? no.

“emma. come one! just yesterday you were complaining about your bounty hunter career’s lack of stability.” 

“bailsbondsperson.” emma takes a long swig of yesterday’s orange juice, which is warm. “and it was a figure of speech! sort of. i get work. just last week i collared a guy. the one who wore that top hat.”

she gives emma her most placating, earnest smile. the one that makes neighbors and birds alike swarm them in central park. “but do you enjoy it?”

“hey, i got to keep the top hat! pawn shop took it for thirty bucks. i bought an extra-large pepperoni. you had four slices. traitor.”

mary margaret hands her a brochure filled with smiling families, promises of the best burgers on the east coast, and scenic views. “this town has something for both of us and i don’t want to move to a new state without my best friend at my side. and besides, its perfect! city hall is looking for…”

2.

and that’s how emma moves to storybrooke, maine, and becomes the official city hall day-time security guard.

“fuck,” emma says at the large metal door. it’s the only part of the whole building made this decade, and so it’s the only part with a key code. which keeps angrily beeping at her. 

she balances her coffee in the crook of her arm, and rustles around her phone notes for the lock combination. 1983. which she tried four times. she tries it a fifth and it not only beeps at her, it also says CALL SECURITY.

“that’s me, you shit burger piece of–”

“it’s six fifty-eight. it doesn’t work before seven am.”

she whips around so fast her coffee sloshes out of the lid. it’s the lady from the parks department. the one with the nice pantsuit who yelled at jones at emma’s first staff meeting yesterday. today she’s wearing another nice pantsuit. and she’s also holding coffee. and her eyes are kind of startling in the morning. in a good way. and she’s tapping her foot with her arms crossed. wait.  “that’s ridiculous. how does the night time guard get in?”

parks department–mills! rolls her eyes. “he has a different code. i don’t know where you come from, ms. swan, but we take safety very seriously here.”

“okay, that’s–this is a town with less than five thousand people. i saw a moose this morning. the entire fourth floor of this building is abandoned, and probably haunted. why the fanfare? did nicholas cage hide another national fucking treasure in the basement next to the records of the best berry jam winners in the last century?”

regina narrows her eyes and lets out the longest, most murderous breath. “it’s seven now. will you please–oh, never mind. the imbeciles nolan hires.” mills nudges past her and puts the code in so fast that emma only processes it once mills fixes her with one last glare. “have a wonderful day, ms. swan.”

she closes the door. it locks behind her. nice.

3.

here’s how it goes:

there’s a great big pit of dirt in the center of town and no one will explain the intricately engraved sign spelling out storybrooke commons. even ruby from granny’s, who practically runs the town’s social media. because she hacked every single social media account.

the mayor is evil. kind of like miranda priestly, but like, actually evil. 

emma buys regina a let’s start over coffee with three sugars (she asked ruby) and bearclaw (can’t go wrong with a bearclaw!) and her eyes kind of shined and she said thank you, genuinely. she also said i hate bearclaws. 

town hall meetings can and will run for three hours straight through lunch and no one will judge you too hard for whipping out a gogurt at hour two.

(except regina. and everyone. then regina will start bringing you “real yogurt” which is yoplait, but whatever, and then you’ll bring her a box of gogurts in retaliation, and that’s a whole thing.)

hot chocolate with cinnamon from granny’s who has okay burgers. (don’t tell granny.) 

regina’s son is filming a documentary for an art project, so there’s a lot of footage of emma tripping at that one tricky spot on the third floor.

smalltown squirrels will outsmart you, and it’s. fine to let that go.

4.

(”i mean, i don’t mind the squirrels. per-say. they’re fine. they’re doing fine. they’re doing what they’re meant to be doing. but do they have to climb into the air vents? do they have to drop acorns into the gutter pipes? do they–”

“emma, i was asking you about town infrastructure. what do you know about budgeting?”

“still just the security guard, kid. i know less than the squirrels.”

“but you could–”

“i am not letting you break into your grandmother’s office.”

“worth another try!”)

5.

three days before halloween, regina pages (actually pages) her to the park’s department, which is covered inspirational poster to inspirational poster with toilet paper. and silly string that spells PAN.

“pan,” regina says, hands on her hips and teeth gritted. “every goddamn year!”

“uh,” emma says, and puts her hands on her hips too. “so, who’s pan?”

“in class yesterday he said that ophelia got what she deserved at the end of hamlet,” ava, one of the interns, says, shaking her head. grace, another intern, pats her clenched fist on the table.

“alright, yowch, i hope your teacher took off points,” emma says in her direction, “but is anyone gonna answer my question?”

regina gives a frustrated noise and puts a hand on her forehead. she narrows her eyes in emma’s direction. “i will destroy him if it’s the last thing i’ll do.”

ava nods emphatically. grace gives a very concerned frown.

“he’s the grandson of rupert gold, the town mega capitalist,” zelena says, eyes rolling on the vowel. she leans back in her chair. “so he can antagonize everyone with absolutely zero legal consequence. and he’s my dear little sister’s arch nemesis.”

“he is not.”

emma can’t suppress a grin. “a fourteen year old is your arch nemesis?”

regina throws her arms up, abruptly goes to her office, and slams the door shut.

more silly string falls from the ceiling.

6.

“leroy, for the last time, we will try to find your pickaxe.”

“that’s what you said last year, mills! i’m not buying a new pickaxe when there’s a perfectly good one still out there! waiting!”

regina pinches the bridge of her nose. “this meeting is adjourned. please place all suggestions and further questions in the box currently being held by…” regina looks at emma with an odd sort of stare. “officer swan, apparently. enjoy the rest of your days, and don’t forget to donate to the fund for the storybrooke commons.”

there’s a single, solitary clap. from marian, in the first row. regina manages a smile in her direction. she gives regina a thumbs up and mouths something that could be have a shift, call you later. once the citizens start begrudgingly filing out, regina turns back to emma. “where’s ava?”

emma shrugs. “she said she had an emergency.”

regina sighs. “she’s reading on the fourth floor again.”

“damn. that’s a good idea.”

regina glares. 

“i mean, you know, it’s haunted, so there are better places. hey, do you want to get lunch?”

regina tilts her head. “lunch?” 

emma shrugs and it’s weird still holding the box. regina stands up and stretches, grabs her folders and straightens them out on the government-issued plastic table. “you know. lunch. that thing with the food and the talking. or not talking if that’s more your thing.”

regina rolls her eyes, but she’s smiling. “talking’s fine if it’s not about squirrels.”

“they’re a menace, regina. a danger.”

regina steps towards her and grabs the box. she’s suddenly standing close. “i know a place along the highway. don’t tell granny.”

7.

(“storybrooke commons is how marian and i met. her now very ex-boyfriend fell into the pit and i told her we’d build a park.”

“how long ago was that?”

“ten years.”

“oh damn.”

“yes. damn is right. according to my mother, it’s just never in the budgets.”

“you know, henry was asking about that.”

“henry?”

“hey! emma! i told you that was top secret!”

“henry, what did i say about video-taping without permission?”

“it’s a documentary, mom! i need candids!”)

8.

marian is regina’s best friend. and she’s a nurse. and she’s terrifying. and she’s the nicest person emma’s ever met.

and now she’s in emma’s living room. talking to her roommate. emma blinks away the dream, but it’s definitely not a dream.

“morning, emma!” mary margaret says, clasping her hands together. “marian here, your friend–i am so glad you’re making friends!–says you two are going to campaign today? for regina?” 

emma stretches her arm behind her back. “what now?”

marian, still in her scrubs and holding one of mary margaret’s prized humming bird themed tea cups, raises a brow at her. “do you want hook to win a seat on the city council?”

emma wakes the fuck up. “hell no.”

they go around house to house and it’s grueling because it’s humid as hell and the people of storybrooke fucking suck. emma leans against the bug and wills all the sweat on her back to evaporate. “do they really hate regina that much because of cora? didn’t they elect her mayor?”

marian heaves a box of campaign materials into the car and steps back, arms crossed. “not exactly. back in the day there was a neighboring town called applewood. it was full of vacationing republican senators and their shitty kids. cora was the reigning mayor. long story short it went broke, and it was regina’s idea to do a merger. which saved both towns, but you know. because of the Rich and Famous, cora won the election again. so everyone actually hates her for that. stupid.”

emma blinks. “this small-town dish keeps getting deeper.”

“what?”

“do you think i’d get arrested for tee-peeing cora’s office?”

marian barks out a laugh. “only if you promise not to arrest me either, officer swan.”

9.

(”do you like my mom?”

“what? i mean, yeah of course. but, what does that–”

“do you think she’s a good public city official, i mean. do you think she’s a good candidate for the city council?”

“kid, you’re the one who read the entire storybrooke-applewood constitution.”

“she’s my mom. i’m biased.”

“i mean, so am i.”

“what?”

“what?”

“i mean, you know. we hang out. i think she’s cool in like, a person way.”

“i know. you were at my house yesterday. you ate all my lucky charms.”

“oh sh–shoot. shoot.”)

10.

ten days after regina wins the election–by a margin because storybrooke is full of assholes–she invites emma to storybrooke commons.

“the pit?”

“just come, swan,” regina says, oddly soft. “henry’s at a friend’s house tonight.”

emma drives up to the pit. the dirt is all orange because of the waning sun and bright pink spilling over the tops of houses. regina stands in the middle next to one of those fold-out camp couches with the cup holders. she started an actual campfire too, and hands emma a marshmallow stick when she makes it over.

emma un-buries her hands from her pockets. “metal. fancy.”

“no one’s eating bark on my watch.”

emma watches the fire catch her. she’s wearing a track suit and a visor and her hair is in a ponytail. “what’s up? bureaucracy got you down?”

regina takes a breath. “what if i ran for mayor this year?”

emma spits out her proverbial drink, which really means she accidentally shakes one of her marshmallows into the fire. “you…”

regina hands her a hershey bar and two graham crackers. “gold approached me today. he said he’d run my campaign.”

emma manages to salvage one measly marshmallow. “okay, but isn’t gold the shadiest man alive?”

“dead too,” regina deadpans. “and i’d sooner let zelena run my campaign, but i have been thinking about it for a very long time.” meticulously, she slides her marshmallows between her graham crackers and hershey’s bar. she sits down and looks up at the sky. “running against my mother would be…”

“yeah, but you could do it.” emma shrugs, and sits down next to her. she balances her mess of a smores on her cupholder.  “you’ve proven over and over again how dedicated you are to this town.”

regina rubs the back of her neck and looks over at her, really looks. her eyes so startling in the sunset, and still in a good way. the best way. now emma notices the crinkles by her eyes too. “you have too, you know.”

emma snorts. “one squirrel at a time?”

regina doesn’t laugh. she keeps looking. she visibly swallows. emma leans in closer and regina tilts her head and says, “are you…going to eat your smores?”

emma’s head is swirling. she’s about to do another Big Thing on impulse. “can i kiss you?”

regina nods and suddenly her fingertips are on her cheeks, soft as anything, and her lips are warm in the cooling night, and emma runs her hand through regina’s hair, holds the back of her neck, and maybe this town isn’t going to be one of hundreds, maybe this isn’t another in-between-home, and the park is only a pit but not forever, some day there’s going to be greenery and fountains you can wish on and shit, and fuck the squirrels but she’s staying, maybe. maybe. yes.

11.

(”so, sheriff swan, how does it feel to be married to the mayor?”

“kid, you were our ring-bearer.”

“yeah, but i’m biased.”

“when does this video project end again?”

“that’s classified, ma.”)

[mirashinofficial]

Attack on Titan MBTI -- Levi Ackermann

INTJ -- Levi Ackermann

“The Architect”

I see.  So many people.  Argue over this one.

However, I also see many incorrect characterizations of Levi.  To me, he has one of the easiest personalities to pin--but that could be because I, too, am an INTJ.  

As you might assume, this is a spoiler-heavy post.  Proceed with caution.

First, I want to address a stereotype of INTJs that probably makes most people stray from thinking of Levi as this type (and while I'm at it, the same goes for ISTJs):

INTJs are not always “smart.”  Part of how one grows academically is one's personality, yes, but another huge part of it is one's environment.  Keep in mind that Levi probably had an extremely limited education, if any, and he was not taught that schooling was important.  

However, Levi is very intelligent--just not booksmart. It's important to distinguish the differences between the two, as I see a lot of people characterize other people in real life as an INTJ/ISTJ because they're “bookish,” instead of paying attention to their actual personality and breaking down each part of the MBTI type.  (Though, if we take Junior High!Levi into consideration, he actually is quite good at school, judging by the 95/100 he got on a test.)

INTJs are notoriously rational and independent--something that definitely rings true for Levi.  He tends to keep to himself, especially emotionally, and he has been criticized for being too harsh or robotic, which happens to be a common stereotype for INTJs, too.  

--Levi is quick-witted and strategic.  

It's not something he himself gives himself credit for, but I don't think Erwin would have pulled Levi into the Corps AND given him a squad of his own otherwise.  As I mentioned before, he is street-smart, and he also is able to see things from a variety of perspectives.  

--He is confident.

“If it comes to killing him, I can do it.”  Levi said this in regards to taking down Eren if need be during his trial.  Levi has definitely lost that confidence as time has gone on (because we also need to take into account that Levi is NOT neuro-typical, but I'll save that for another time).  However, if he knows something to be true, he sticks to that.  

--He is independent and decisive.

I don't feel like I need to explain this one much at all--all you have to do is watch the first season of the anime to see it.  Erwin lets Levi run around on his own because Levi is incredibly capable on his own.  

--Levi is incredibly hard-working and determined.

Even as a thug, Levi made sure he was the best of his kind.  Granted, he does have special Ackermann-strength or whatever, but I don't think it matters.  He didn't know he was special--he just worked hard because he knew that he had to.  Once given a task, Levi analyzes it, and if it seems worth his time, he will do it to the utmost.  

--Levi is open-minded.

This doesn't seem immediately obvious, because I think people mostly associated open-mindedness with extroversion and gullibility. However, almost everyone in the Corps has to be open-minded to some extent.  They have to be ready to change on the dot because they've discovered something new about the Titans, or they have to to develop a new way of fighting. Levi is stubborn, yes, but he is open-minded.  Otherwise, he would not have believed Hanji's proposal about the Titans coming from humans.  He would not have accepted the role of Squad Leader watching over Eren.

--He's a jack of all trades.

Erwin uses Levi to the Corps' advantage because of the combination of qualities listed above.  Levi can do whatever, so he will, if he believes it is worth doing.

--He's arrogant.

This died down a bit once he entered the Corps, but Levi has an arrogant streak in him.  He's aware of his abilities, and he's also aware that no one else is really like him.  It makes him stubborn and insensitive in result.

--Levi is judgmental.

The problem with most INTJs is that we are overly rational.  Even to other Thinking types, INTJs can be brutal.  Levi is not an exception--we see it most with Hanji, how he's not afraid to question her methods.  He also is pretty unforgiving to people like Pastor Nick, Reeves, and so on.

--He is overly analytical.

INTJs are perfectionists, and once a goal is in mind, they will do anything to accomplish it.  That's a common stereotype, but it mostly applies to INTJs that are not neuro-typical.  Levi is one, though, and it's best shown in his relationships with other people.  Though he obviously loved and cared about his first squad, he prioritized them as soldiers, not as his friends.  The same goes for his relationship with Erwin--and when his analytical side crumbled, we were left with a man overcome by his emotional attachments who was unable to make the logical decision.  In other words, Levi uses his analytical, logical side as a sort of defense mechanism in the environment of this story--which is not uncommon for someone who has undergone trauma.

--Levi hates when things are overly-structured.

This whiny baby, I swear to god.  16Personalities has this quote: “Blindly following precedents and rules without understanding them is distasteful to INTJs, and they disdain even more authority figures who blindly uphold those laws and rules without understanding their intent.  Anyone who prefers the status quo for its own sake, or who values stability and safety over self-determination, is like to clash with INTJ personality types.”  Let's see, here:  Zackley, Nile, Nick, Reeves, and Rod Reiss--what do they all have in common?  Levi does not get along with them, and the preceding quote explains why. He even hated Erwin at first, because he did not understand that Erwin had greater intentions when they first met in the underground. Notice that, once Levi understood that Erwin did not fit that description, he started to trust him and followed him faithfully.

--He is not romantic.

I'm not saying he's necessarily aromantic.  However, INTJs are judgmental and analytical to the point that “romance” in their relationships is not what other people would define as “romance.”  It is not his focus, but even if their world was safer and much different, I don't think that would change this aspect of his personality.  He is the last person to see the world through any kind of rose-colored glasses; Levi barely even understands basic human emotion, so to say he is any kind of charming or romantic is completely incorrect.  

Before the breakdown, I'd like to share a passage from 16personalities about INTJs in the workplace:

“Titles mean little to INTJs--trust and respect are earned, and INTJs expect this to be a two way street, receiving and delivering advice, criticisms and results.  INTJs expect their managers to be intelligent enough and strong enough to handle this paradigm.  A silent INTJ conveys a lack of respect better than all their challenges ever will.”

Think about Levi's relationship with Erwin, versus his relationship with Pyxis, Nile--literally any other high-ranking officer, or even someone of higher social status than him, like Reeves or Rod Reiss.  Think of how much Levi openly criticizes Erwin--because he knows that he can, and he also knows Erwin will do the same for him. Levi doesn't like to be slowed down by anything, even his comrades, but his questioning mind is not always out of hostility, as some assume and interpret.  It's just part of this personality type.

So, when we break down I-N-T-J:

I-Introversion, or a focus on the inner self

Levi keeps to himself, and he does not need to project onto other people. His highly analytical nature also naturally makes him more introspective, and considering what he's been through, he has a lot to think about.  However, he is far from selfish.

N-Intuition, or a focus on facts supported by other facts

Levi likes to keep things short and sweet, without stumbling over one possibility on top of another.  Though he is analytical, he keeps things factual and unbiased.  “Cut to the chase” could be his motto.  In fact, I'm pretty sure he uses it more than once in canon.

T-Thinking, or a focus on logic

Though we've seen an exception to this at the end of the Serum Bowl, Levi is just...not in tune with his emotions.  I don't think it's just based on his upbringing--it seems to just be how his mind works.

J-Judgment, or a focus on decided paths and plans

Levi is not known for his strategic abilities, but he is perfectly capable of making plans.  However, he often leaves them to Erwin, and sometimes even Hanji or Armin.  

Levi is a complicated guy, and I often see him characterized as an ISTJ or INTP.  However, I have confidence that he fits the bill of the INTJ, especially when I read through other summaries of the personality type.  I hope we can see more of him again soon...

And, if you don't agree, remember this is just for funsies, and I love reading other people's analyses. C:

[shared-diaries-online]

Entry 18 - Gifts and Curses (Entry 4 of 4)

Part 1  

Part 2

Part 3

January 22, 2019

Dear “Diary,”

         I have a moment at work the other day when I realized that there is a zero percent chance that the most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office would ever like me back. We were in a meeting together about one of her projects. I was there to crunch numbers. And while she was as warm as she had always been, I remembered how unlikely it was that I could be with her. Life is never that kind to me; I don’t even get the things I earn or deserve half the time, never mind an extra moment in her presence.

         If she noticed my mood shift during that meeting when this realization hit me, she didn’t say. She smiled at me more directly towards the end of the meeting, but I’m not sure what to make of that. With the gluten thing, we’ll always have a special bond, so even if an action does have an alternative meaning, that meaning may not mean what I want it to me.

         Sometimes, it feels like Ada is in the room with me. Usually when the most beautiful woman in the world who just happens to work in my office isn’t around. It’s like there’s a maximum occupancy of people with gluten issues in my life, and that number is one. So where was this beautiful woman the past decade and plus.

         The dream life I was building with Ada was just as hazy as any dream would be, but the nightmare that ended it has embedded itself in my soul. One day, Ada didn’t go to school or rehearsal. Her absence was noticed but did not raise any concerns. After all, maybe it was a religious holiday. But if it was, then she would have told me about it. She told me everything about Mormonism, likely in the hopes of converting me but she never explained herself.

         No one was really alarmed until the third day she was gone. And that’s when the rumors started. Many of which were slanderous against her father. I find them unnecessarily scandalous and combative. But—to give a half-hearted summation—there are certain not usually practiced tenets in Mormonism that can get tossed around if someone is inclined to be malicious. Ada’s father heard about the rumors. I’m not quite sure what the chain was, but I’m not surprised. He was well-liked by the teachers and other parents, so I imagine it was one of them who told him what the high schoolers were saying.

         That was how we all found out Ada was hospitalized. For what, we were never told. But as a teenager, I thought I knew what it was. Namely, a Celiac Crisis. It’s a fairly rare syndrome in which someone’s Celiac disease gets so bad, they nearly die. Usually caused by exposure to gluten.

         I was jumping to conclusions, but because I already had the momentum, I kept going. If Ada had been exposed to gluten, it was through me. Obviously. I was the weakest link in her safety chain. The news triggered a series of mental examinations. I ran through every meal we had ever had together and the script I used when we went to restaurants. There was a crack in my system that I just wasn’t seeing.

         Anxiety is a constant companion in my life. I wouldn’t say “I suffer from it” only because 99% my relationships come coupled with a great deal of suffering, so those terms mean different things to me. When Ada was gone from my side, my anxiety returned in full force. It was loud, screaming at me that she had an unreasonably high chance of dying.

         While the rumors were vague, they did include the hospital she had been checked into. Predictably, they took her to the nearest hospital. They didn't say the room, but they did tell us that she wasn't in the ICU anymore. It was a sign that she had stabilized and not dying. A sign I couldn't believe. On top of that, at the time, I thought I saw a shred of kindness from the universe in the bus route that went straight from our school to the hospital. I don't remember what I told my mother. Maybe she didn't ask where I was going. That question had long since been irrelevant.

         I left straight away. I didn't even bother getting my homework out of my locker. It made it possible for me to catch the 3:10 rather than the 3:50. And every moment mattered.

         The nurse who greeted me at the front desk looked familiar. She even felt that way. As if our common roots came alive in each other's presence. She smiled at me. And together, we shared a nice moment.

         That was then destroyed.

         The Nightmare Teacher who hated otherness but loved homophobia came out. She sneered at me, trying to keep it subtle because she didn't have the same control over the hospital staff that she did over her students.

         “Ada's parents don't want her to have any visitors,” she said.

         “Why?” I asked. “Is she okay?”

         “She's better off without you all. Besides, she's had enough visitors. Liza was here when I got here.”

         Maybe it was just another jump, but that's just from your perspective. You didn't see the twinkle in her eye. In Ada's parents, she found the like-minded soul she thrived off of. Her power over me was assured. The sadist got to take away what I love most.

         I ran my hand through my hair, ruffling it. With it being so short, it fell back into place with ease, but my emotions ran high. Sure, she didn't know about me and Ada, but she knew enough to poison the well rather thoroughly.

         And she was happy with that. She walked away without another word.

         I looked towards the nurse. Her smile was gone. She couldn't muster it anymore. Not when she had to repeat it, understanding how horrible it was for me.  

         Ada was a minor, legally. It was her parents’ decision, and they had decided. They had also decided they didn't want to hear what I had to say. I caught a glimpse of Ada's mother on my way out. My word, she thought I was Satan's child, but kudos to her for staring me down despite of this.

         I tried everyday to see her. I begged. I pleaded. I went. I did everything short of getting arrested. And maybe I should have. If I'd been arrested I would have proof that I try. That I tried with every bit of my soul to see her.

         When she was discharged, she was told I hadn't tried. That no one had. Once again, her parents twisted the truth to gain control over her. And I was left with no evidence to defend myself. Because I swear, truly, that I went everyday to see her. I loved her. Truly. I wanted to be with her. But I was helpless.

         “I can't believe…” she screeched. The air had taken on so much emotion that we were struggling to breathe. All the hopes and dreams she had placed in me were coming undone. And that was a lot for both of us to take in.  “I was ready to give up everything for you. Do you know that?”

         The sounds of her cries broke my heart. I hated to see her unhappy. I hated that she was hurting. I hated myself for not doing more to prevent it.

         “I loved you, Alex. I was ready to do anything for you. I was going to leave the church for you.”

         She screamed in no uncertain terms that I'm nothing. I don't want to think about her exact words. I'm sorry. I loved her, and because of that love, I believed every word she said. I took it to heart. After all, she was the only thing that mattered.

         In my mind, none of that would have happened of Ada hadn't been exposed to gluten. Through me. Through the meals we pretty much shared. Through the meals I ordered for her. So gluten ruined my life, right? I was too scared to eat it ever again. Rationally, I knew I wasn't physically allergic to gluten. But if I thought I'd come into contact with it, my body would just shut down. Vomitting was he most common symptom, but really, my body didn't care how it emptied itself as long as it did.

         It was one of the first things my first therapist chose to tackle, pointing out that I didn't even know if Ada had a Celiac Crisis (she never said) and that it was the lie that truly led to my misery not my action. After all, I had gone to the hospital to see her. I'd never abandoned her like she had been led to believe.

         But that seems like splitting hairs. Who knows what moment really damned Ada? Was it something I did? Or the simple fact of her birth?

         I could hardly lament her existence, so I know where I fall in that debate.

         The last I heard, Ada was caught in an abusive relationship with a newly converted Mormon in her church. It's hard to know how much he believed versus didn't as from what I know, converting to Mormonism isn't as hard as it is some other religions. But I really don't know. I just know her parents might rather that than her being with a heathen like me. Speculation, of course, but I can't help but think that fits into their character.

Digitally Yours (If you want me…),

Alex

Support the blog.

Find my whole story on shareddiaries.online/red

[michaeljames1221]

Can Divorce Cause PTSD?

Divorce can be a traumatic experience especially if it happens suddenly. The pain and despair of finally being legally separated from someone who you have loved and cared for even if for a short period can be devastating. You have shared all your best and worst moments together. You even have a family. Everything is fine and all of a sudden it is not. Getting divorced from a person you have loved for years is never easy. Most divorces are stressful but not all can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), though some eventually do. Before we look at reasons as to why a divorce can lead to PTSD, we should first understand what it is.

What is PTSD?

According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), Post-traumatic stress disorder is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have witnessed or experienced a traumatizing event. PTSD is common to divorces that have occurred as a result of abusive marriages or relationships. People suffering from PTSD usually have intense and disturbing memories and thoughts that are connected to their experience. Reports by the American Psychiatric Association revealed that women are twice as likely to suffer from PTSD than men. This shocking result is also true in PTSD related to divorce or separation.

When it comes to marriages, abuse is not only physical but can be emotional too. People who have been in an emotionally abusive marriage can suffer from PTSD just like a physically abused person. The important thing is to know the symptoms so that you can to seek medical attention. It is common for people with this condition to have a horrible flashback or nightmares related to their traumatic event. You may also experience fear, general sadness, and anger.

Symptoms of PTSD after divorce

PTSD symptoms are classified into three major categories. These include the avoidance symptoms, the hyperarousal symptoms and the re-experiencing symptoms. It is important to understand that divorces are different and can therefore lead to different symptoms. For instance, while one person can be withdrawn and show sadness after divorce another person can be hyper and very active. However, the following symptoms are common to all those who are affected by PTSD.

● Depression

This form of depression experienced due to PTSD as a result of divorce is slightly different from normal clinical depression. This kind of depression is sometimes medically referred to as situational depression or an adjustment depression. It is usually very difficult to differentiate between these two types of depression because they might manifest in similar ways.

Common signs to watch out for include loss of appetite, fatigue, loss of interest in hobbies or work, irritability, suicidal tendencies, and low self-esteem among other signs.

Women experience depression differently from men. In women, depression can manifest itself in terms of sadness and low self-esteem while in men it manifests in terms of rage, irritability or lack of sleep. Divorce can also trigger pre-existing depression just like a pre-existing mental illness can be a cause of a divorce.

To be diagnosed with depression a patient has to show more than five or more of the signs and symptoms. It is advisable that you see a medical doctor or psychiatrist as soon as you develop the above signs. The doctor is likely to recommend antidepressants and psychotherapy. He or she can also prescribe art therapy or acupuncture and relaxation techniques such as yoga depending on the level of the depression.

● Nightmare

Our brains usually process our fears more at night than during the day. These fears are then expressed in the form of nightmares that make us toss and turn at night. It is a common occurrence for many different people to have nightmares after a divorce. This condition is even more common in kids than in adults. It is inherent for children to be affected by the stress associated with divorce. If such a thing happens, it is the responsibility of the adult to reassure the kids of safety and support. Recent studies reveal that people going through a nasty divorce are likely to experience a major shift in terms of the content of their dreams. But the good thing is that the same studies conclude that the dreams and nightmares experienced can help the individuals cope with their current situation. The trick is to view the nightmares as a stepping stone rather than a deterrent.

● Flashbacks

It’s quite common for people who are divorced or are in the process to relive their worst or best moments through flashbacks. The flashbacks are usually triggered by a reminder such as seeing or experiencing similar events that you had together with your spouse. The condition can easily get out of hand and can be hard to manage. The flashback can start as a temporary occurrence and quickly develop to a complicated level where the person is not aware of the present at all. Understanding the triggers as well as knowing the early warning signs can go a long way in managing your condition.

● Emotional Outburst

This is regarded as one of the many hyperarousal symptoms of divorce-related PTSD. Emotional outburst such as the display of anger goes hand in hand with PTSD. When this condition happens to you, you can easily harm yourself or others around you. This is because the emotion is normally intense and can easily get out of control. In case of such a situation, the ideal solution is to learn to control yourself whether you are alone or around other people. Get help and don’t hold your emotions as this will lead to more aggressive behavior.

● Feeling of guilt

Guilt is usually defined as the sense of remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense. The reasons why you are feeling guilty after divorce is you probably think that you are the sole cause of the divorce. Understand that the other partner might have played a significant role resulting in a divorce and that is not entirely your mistake. Yes, you might have contributed to a certain extent but you are not entirely to blame. Many people start a relationship with different reasons and the relationships end due to many other reasons.

● Short term insomnia

There is tangible evidence to proclaim that the stability and quality of a romantic relationship has a huge impact on health associated with sleep. The impact of divorce on our sleeping pattern cannot be ignored. Divorce is likely to trigger many sleeping disorders including insomnia if not well taken care of. A research study published by the US National Library of Medicine National Institute of Health shows that couples undergoing a divorce process are at a bigger risk of developing sleep disorders. Stress associated with divorce is a major contributor to lack of sleep. Getting quality sleep is effective in helping to cope with the trauma caused by divorce. It is common for sleep-related issues to persist during and after divorce. However, after the divorce process, if finalized, the normal sleeping pattern is expected to resume. The adjustment is a bit easier in children than in adults.

● Memory problems

The brain responds to stress brought about by divorce by secreting certain hormones known as the corticosteroid from the adrenal gland. This hormone is known to cause short term memory loss according to studies and scientific experiments. Factors such as PTSD are also known to increase the secretion of the hormone further impeding your memory.

● Anxiety

According to the US Surgeon General close to 40 percent of people undergoing a divorce have reported a huge increase in symptoms of anxiety. Any major life change can result in anxiety but divorce is one of the biggest contributors. The major type of anxiety caused by divorce is separation anxiety. This the clinical word that refers to the state of emotional distress that is experienced when a person is separated from another person that they love or are close to.

Separation anxiety is common among children but can occur in adults too. There are many ways to deal with anxiety. Some people go for medication while others opt for other options such as therapy. The important thing is to know when your anxiety if getting out of hand and seek medical attention. You can also try exercising and going to the gym. Engaging in any physical activity has been proven to reduce stress and anxiety and this can be an effective method for you too. Whatever the case don’t lose hope continue to fight if not for you then at least for your kids.

● Substance Abuse

Many people resort to drugs, alcohol and other harmful substances after a divorce. Substance abuse and drug addiction is also a major factor that leads to divorce. Substance abuse can also affect the outcome of your divorce in many ways. For instance, child custody. A judge can make the rulings of child custody depending on the sobriety of the parents are guardians involved. The following are ways in which substance abuse can affect the outcome of your divorce case in court. The amount of alimony. Normally the amount of alimony allocated will only be affected if the spouse or partner negatively impacted on the finances of the household. A judge can make his or her decision to award a sober partner more cash is the affected partner uses a significant portion of the finances on drugs or any other substance. Custody of the kids. The magistrate or judge hearing your divorce case can allocate more time if not all to the sober partner. this is because the primary concern in any divorce case is the children. Other fs includes the allocation and division of assets as well as the general outcome of the negotiation in the divorce. Understanding that no amount of alcohol or drugs can change your current situation is the first step in healing.

The process of recovering from PTSD after divorce

In life no situation is permanent. Today you might be grieving or trying to recover from an emotional breakdown caused by a divorce and tomorrow you are laughing and enjoying life. Recovering from PTSD can be challenging especially if you have no one to take care of you such as your spouse. However, there are simple ways that can help you fight PTSD after getting a divorce.

1. Join a support group

Understand that whatever has happened to you might have happened to other people as well. Go out and get a different perspective from other people who have experienced or are experiencing the same issue as you. At the support group, you will be able to meet people who will give you practical solutions that they have tried and worked. These ideas can help you deal with the situation that you are undergoing.

2. Understand that your divorce might be a traumatic event

Acknowledging that you are undergoing a serious traumatic event can just be a cure in itself. Many people continue to experience post-traumatic stress disorder because of their life in denial. Understand that the divorce you are going through is a serious violation of your trust and will be traumatic. However only you can pick yourself up and move on as there is more at stake than just the marriage that has ended.

3. Take medication if necessary

Traumatizing events often lead to other medical conditions such as depression and anxiety. When this gets out of hand, they can be detrimental to your health. Seek medical advice and follow the prescription to the later and get back the normal life that you deserve.

4. Grieve when you can

Divorce results in many losses of very many important things. The betrayal, loss of family and dignity, loss of love and safety that comes in being in a relationship are some of the things that you should grieve about.

5. Consider psychotherapy

Psychotherapy also is known as talk therapy is considered one of the best and effective methods of healing a variety of mental illness PTSD being leading the group. Find a good psychologist within your budget and start your therapy sessions today. This will go along way in setting your path to recovery.

6. Try relaxation techniques and workouts

Going swimming or yoga can boost your blood circulation in the central nervous system and the brain. They will boost your moods and make you feel happy and help you deal with your current situation with a more positive outlook.

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Can Divorce Cause PTSD?

Divorce can be a traumatic experience especially if it happens suddenly. The pain and despair of finally being legally separated from someone who you have loved and cared for even if for a short period can be devastating. You have shared all your best and worst moments together. You even have a family. Everything is fine and all of a sudden it is not. Getting divorced from a person you have loved for years is never easy. Most divorces are stressful but not all can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), though some eventually do. Before we look at reasons as to why a divorce can lead to PTSD, we should first understand what it is.

What is PTSD?

According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), Post-traumatic stress disorder is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have witnessed or experienced a traumatizing event. PTSD is common to divorces that have occurred as a result of abusive marriages or relationships. People suffering from PTSD usually have intense and disturbing memories and thoughts that are connected to their experience. Reports by the American Psychiatric Association revealed that women are twice as likely to suffer from PTSD than men. This shocking result is also true in PTSD related to divorce or separation.

When it comes to marriages, abuse is not only physical but can be emotional too. People who have been in an emotionally abusive marriage can suffer from PTSD just like a physically abused person. The important thing is to know the symptoms so that you can to seek medical attention. It is common for people with this condition to have a horrible flashback or nightmares related to their traumatic event. You may also experience fear, general sadness, and anger.

Symptoms of PTSD after divorce

PTSD symptoms are classified into three major categories. These include the avoidance symptoms, the hyperarousal symptoms and the re-experiencing symptoms. It is important to understand that divorces are different and can therefore lead to different symptoms. For instance, while one person can be withdrawn and show sadness after divorce another person can be hyper and very active. However, the following symptoms are common to all those who are affected by PTSD.

● Depression

This form of depression experienced due to PTSD as a result of divorce is slightly different from normal clinical depression. This kind of depression is sometimes medically referred to as situational depression or an adjustment depression. It is usually very difficult to differentiate between these two types of depression because they might manifest in similar ways.

Common signs to watch out for include loss of appetite, fatigue, loss of interest in hobbies or work, irritability, suicidal tendencies, and low self-esteem among other signs.

Women experience depression differently from men. In women, depression can manifest itself in terms of sadness and low self-esteem while in men it manifests in terms of rage, irritability or lack of sleep. Divorce can also trigger pre-existing depression just like a pre-existing mental illness can be a cause of a divorce.

To be diagnosed with depression a patient has to show more than five or more of the signs and symptoms. It is advisable that you see a medical doctor or psychiatrist as soon as you develop the above signs. The doctor is likely to recommend antidepressants and psychotherapy. He or she can also prescribe art therapy or acupuncture and relaxation techniques such as yoga depending on the level of the depression.

● Nightmare

Our brains usually process our fears more at night than during the day. These fears are then expressed in the form of nightmares that make us toss and turn at night. It is a common occurrence for many different people to have nightmares after a divorce. This condition is even more common in kids than in adults. It is inherent for children to be affected by the stress associated with divorce. If such a thing happens, it is the responsibility of the adult to reassure the kids of safety and support. Recent studies reveal that people going through a nasty divorce are likely to experience a major shift in terms of the content of their dreams. But the good thing is that the same studies conclude that the dreams and nightmares experienced can help the individuals cope with their current situation. The trick is to view the nightmares as a stepping stone rather than a deterrent.

● Flashbacks

It’s quite common for people who are divorced or are in the process to relive their worst or best moments through flashbacks. The flashbacks are usually triggered by a reminder such as seeing or experiencing similar events that you had together with your spouse. The condition can easily get out of hand and can be hard to manage. The flashback can start as a temporary occurrence and quickly develop to a complicated level where the person is not aware of the present at all. Understanding the triggers as well as knowing the early warning signs can go a long way in managing your condition.

● Emotional Outburst

This is regarded as one of the many hyperarousal symptoms of divorce-related PTSD. Emotional outburst such as the display of anger goes hand in hand with PTSD. When this condition happens to you, you can easily harm yourself or others around you. This is because the emotion is normally intense and can easily get out of control. In case of such a situation, the ideal solution is to learn to control yourself whether you are alone or around other people. Get help and don’t hold your emotions as this will lead to more aggressive behavior.

● Feeling of guilt

Guilt is usually defined as the sense of remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense. The reasons why you are feeling guilty after divorce is you probably think that you are the sole cause of the divorce. Understand that the other partner might have played a significant role resulting in a divorce and that is not entirely your mistake. Yes, you might have contributed to a certain extent but you are not entirely to blame. Many people start a relationship with different reasons and the relationships end due to many other reasons.

● Short term insomnia

There is tangible evidence to proclaim that the stability and quality of a romantic relationship has a huge impact on health associated with sleep. The impact of divorce on our sleeping pattern cannot be ignored. Divorce is likely to trigger many sleeping disorders including insomnia if not well taken care of. A research study published by the US National Library of Medicine National Institute of Health shows that couples undergoing a divorce process are at a bigger risk of developing sleep disorders. Stress associated with divorce is a major contributor to lack of sleep. Getting quality sleep is effective in helping to cope with the trauma caused by divorce. It is common for sleep-related issues to persist during and after divorce. However, after the divorce process, if finalized, the normal sleeping pattern is expected to resume. The adjustment is a bit easier in children than in adults.

● Memory problems

The brain responds to stress brought about by divorce by secreting certain hormones known as the corticosteroid from the adrenal gland. This hormone is known to cause short term memory loss according to studies and scientific experiments. Factors such as PTSD are also known to increase the secretion of the hormone further impeding your memory.

● Anxiety

According to the US Surgeon General close to 40 percent of people undergoing a divorce have reported a huge increase in symptoms of anxiety. Any major life change can result in anxiety but divorce is one of the biggest contributors. The major type of anxiety caused by divorce is separation anxiety. This the clinical word that refers to the state of emotional distress that is experienced when a person is separated from another person that they love or are close to.

Separation anxiety is common among children but can occur in adults too. There are many ways to deal with anxiety. Some people go for medication while others opt for other options such as therapy. The important thing is to know when your anxiety if getting out of hand and seek medical attention. You can also try exercising and going to the gym. Engaging in any physical activity has been proven to reduce stress and anxiety and this can be an effective method for you too. Whatever the case don’t lose hope continue to fight if not for you then at least for your kids.

● Substance Abuse

Many people resort to drugs, alcohol and other harmful substances after a divorce. Substance abuse and drug addiction is also a major factor that leads to divorce. Substance abuse can also affect the outcome of your divorce in many ways. For instance, child custody. A judge can make the rulings of child custody depending on the sobriety of the parents are guardians involved. The following are ways in which substance abuse can affect the outcome of your divorce case in court. The amount of alimony. Normally the amount of alimony allocated will only be affected if the spouse or partner negatively impacted on the finances of the household. A judge can make his or her decision to award a sober partner more cash is the affected partner uses a significant portion of the finances on drugs or any other substance. Custody of the kids. The magistrate or judge hearing your divorce case can allocate more time if not all to the sober partner. this is because the primary concern in any divorce case is the children. Other fs includes the allocation and division of assets as well as the general outcome of the negotiation in the divorce. Understanding that no amount of alcohol or drugs can change your current situation is the first step in healing.

The process of recovering from PTSD after divorce

In life no situation is permanent. Today you might be grieving or trying to recover from an emotional breakdown caused by a divorce and tomorrow you are laughing and enjoying life. Recovering from PTSD can be challenging especially if you have no one to take care of you such as your spouse. However, there are simple ways that can help you fight PTSD after getting a divorce.

1. Join a support group

Understand that whatever has happened to you might have happened to other people as well. Go out and get a different perspective from other people who have experienced or are experiencing the same issue as you. At the support group, you will be able to meet people who will give you practical solutions that they have tried and worked. These ideas can help you deal with the situation that you are undergoing.

2. Understand that your divorce might be a traumatic event

Acknowledging that you are undergoing a serious traumatic event can just be a cure in itself. Many people continue to experience post-traumatic stress disorder because of their life in denial. Understand that the divorce you are going through is a serious violation of your trust and will be traumatic. However only you can pick yourself up and move on as there is more at stake than just the marriage that has ended.

3. Take medication if necessary

Traumatizing events often lead to other medical conditions such as depression and anxiety. When this gets out of hand, they can be detrimental to your health. Seek medical advice and follow the prescription to the later and get back the normal life that you deserve.

4. Grieve when you can

Divorce results in many losses of very many important things. The betrayal, loss of family and dignity, loss of love and safety that comes in being in a relationship are some of the things that you should grieve about.

5. Consider psychotherapy

Psychotherapy also is known as talk therapy is considered one of the best and effective methods of healing a variety of mental illness PTSD being leading the group. Find a good psychologist within your budget and start your therapy sessions today. This will go along way in setting your path to recovery.

6. Try relaxation techniques and workouts

Going swimming or yoga can boost your blood circulation in the central nervous system and the brain. They will boost your moods and make you feel happy and help you deal with your current situation with a more positive outlook.

Divorce Lawyer Free Consultation

When you need legal help with a divorce in Utah, please call Ascent Law at (801) 676-5506. We want to help you.

Ascent Law LLC 8833 S. Redwood Road, Suite C West Jordan, Utah 84088 United States Telephone: (801) 676-5506

Ascent Law LLC

4.9 stars – based on 67 reviews

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Source: https://www.ascentlawfirm.com/can-divorce-cause-ptsd/

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Can Divorce Cause PTSD?

Divorce can be a traumatic experience especially if it happens suddenly. The pain and despair of finally being legally separated from someone who you have loved and cared for even if for a short period can be devastating. You have shared all your best and worst moments together. You even have a family. Everything is fine and all of a sudden it is not. Getting divorced from a person you have loved for years is never easy. Most divorces are stressful but not all can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), though some eventually do. Before we look at reasons as to why a divorce can lead to PTSD, we should first understand what it is.

What is PTSD?

According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), Post-traumatic stress disorder is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have witnessed or experienced a traumatizing event. PTSD is common to divorces that have occurred as a result of abusive marriages or relationships. People suffering from PTSD usually have intense and disturbing memories and thoughts that are connected to their experience. Reports by the American Psychiatric Association revealed that women are twice as likely to suffer from PTSD than men. This shocking result is also true in PTSD related to divorce or separation.

When it comes to marriages, abuse is not only physical but can be emotional too. People who have been in an emotionally abusive marriage can suffer from PTSD just like a physically abused person. The important thing is to know the symptoms so that you can to seek medical attention. It is common for people with this condition to have a horrible flashback or nightmares related to their traumatic event. You may also experience fear, general sadness, and anger.

Symptoms of PTSD after divorce

PTSD symptoms are classified into three major categories. These include the avoidance symptoms, the hyperarousal symptoms and the re-experiencing symptoms. It is important to understand that divorces are different and can therefore lead to different symptoms. For instance, while one person can be withdrawn and show sadness after divorce another person can be hyper and very active. However, the following symptoms are common to all those who are affected by PTSD.

● Depression

This form of depression experienced due to PTSD as a result of divorce is slightly different from normal clinical depression. This kind of depression is sometimes medically referred to as situational depression or an adjustment depression. It is usually very difficult to differentiate between these two types of depression because they might manifest in similar ways.

Common signs to watch out for include loss of appetite, fatigue, loss of interest in hobbies or work, irritability, suicidal tendencies, and low self-esteem among other signs.

Women experience depression differently from men. In women, depression can manifest itself in terms of sadness and low self-esteem while in men it manifests in terms of rage, irritability or lack of sleep. Divorce can also trigger pre-existing depression just like a pre-existing mental illness can be a cause of a divorce.

To be diagnosed with depression a patient has to show more than five or more of the signs and symptoms. It is advisable that you see a medical doctor or psychiatrist as soon as you develop the above signs. The doctor is likely to recommend antidepressants and psychotherapy. He or she can also prescribe art therapy or acupuncture and relaxation techniques such as yoga depending on the level of the depression.

● Nightmare

Our brains usually process our fears more at night than during the day. These fears are then expressed in the form of nightmares that make us toss and turn at night. It is a common occurrence for many different people to have nightmares after a divorce. This condition is even more common in kids than in adults. It is inherent for children to be affected by the stress associated with divorce. If such a thing happens, it is the responsibility of the adult to reassure the kids of safety and support. Recent studies reveal that people going through a nasty divorce are likely to experience a major shift in terms of the content of their dreams. But the good thing is that the same studies conclude that the dreams and nightmares experienced can help the individuals cope with their current situation. The trick is to view the nightmares as a stepping stone rather than a deterrent.

● Flashbacks

It’s quite common for people who are divorced or are in the process to relive their worst or best moments through flashbacks. The flashbacks are usually triggered by a reminder such as seeing or experiencing similar events that you had together with your spouse. The condition can easily get out of hand and can be hard to manage. The flashback can start as a temporary occurrence and quickly develop to a complicated level where the person is not aware of the present at all. Understanding the triggers as well as knowing the early warning signs can go a long way in managing your condition.

● Emotional Outburst

This is regarded as one of the many hyperarousal symptoms of divorce-related PTSD. Emotional outburst such as the display of anger goes hand in hand with PTSD. When this condition happens to you, you can easily harm yourself or others around you. This is because the emotion is normally intense and can easily get out of control. In case of such a situation, the ideal solution is to learn to control yourself whether you are alone or around other people. Get help and don’t hold your emotions as this will lead to more aggressive behavior.

● Feeling of guilt

Guilt is usually defined as the sense of remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense. The reasons why you are feeling guilty after divorce is you probably think that you are the sole cause of the divorce. Understand that the other partner might have played a significant role resulting in a divorce and that is not entirely your mistake. Yes, you might have contributed to a certain extent but you are not entirely to blame. Many people start a relationship with different reasons and the relationships end due to many other reasons.

● Short term insomnia

There is tangible evidence to proclaim that the stability and quality of a romantic relationship has a huge impact on health associated with sleep. The impact of divorce on our sleeping pattern cannot be ignored. Divorce is likely to trigger many sleeping disorders including insomnia if not well taken care of. A research study published by the US National Library of Medicine National Institute of Health shows that couples undergoing a divorce process are at a bigger risk of developing sleep disorders. Stress associated with divorce is a major contributor to lack of sleep. Getting quality sleep is effective in helping to cope with the trauma caused by divorce. It is common for sleep-related issues to persist during and after divorce. However, after the divorce process, if finalized, the normal sleeping pattern is expected to resume. The adjustment is a bit easier in children than in adults.

● Memory problems

The brain responds to stress brought about by divorce by secreting certain hormones known as the corticosteroid from the adrenal gland. This hormone is known to cause short term memory loss according to studies and scientific experiments. Factors such as PTSD are also known to increase the secretion of the hormone further impeding your memory.

● Anxiety

According to the US Surgeon General close to 40 percent of people undergoing a divorce have reported a huge increase in symptoms of anxiety. Any major life change can result in anxiety but divorce is one of the biggest contributors. The major type of anxiety caused by divorce is separation anxiety. This the clinical word that refers to the state of emotional distress that is experienced when a person is separated from another person that they love or are close to.

Separation anxiety is common among children but can occur in adults too. There are many ways to deal with anxiety. Some people go for medication while others opt for other options such as therapy. The important thing is to know when your anxiety if getting out of hand and seek medical attention. You can also try exercising and going to the gym. Engaging in any physical activity has been proven to reduce stress and anxiety and this can be an effective method for you too. Whatever the case don’t lose hope continue to fight if not for you then at least for your kids.

● Substance Abuse

Many people resort to drugs, alcohol and other harmful substances after a divorce. Substance abuse and drug addiction is also a major factor that leads to divorce. Substance abuse can also affect the outcome of your divorce in many ways. For instance, child custody. A judge can make the rulings of child custody depending on the sobriety of the parents are guardians involved. The following are ways in which substance abuse can affect the outcome of your divorce case in court. The amount of alimony. Normally the amount of alimony allocated will only be affected if the spouse or partner negatively impacted on the finances of the household. A judge can make his or her decision to award a sober partner more cash is the affected partner uses a significant portion of the finances on drugs or any other substance. Custody of the kids. The magistrate or judge hearing your divorce case can allocate more time if not all to the sober partner. this is because the primary concern in any divorce case is the children. Other fs includes the allocation and division of assets as well as the general outcome of the negotiation in the divorce. Understanding that no amount of alcohol or drugs can change your current situation is the first step in healing.

The process of recovering from PTSD after divorce

In life no situation is permanent. Today you might be grieving or trying to recover from an emotional breakdown caused by a divorce and tomorrow you are laughing and enjoying life. Recovering from PTSD can be challenging especially if you have no one to take care of you such as your spouse. However, there are simple ways that can help you fight PTSD after getting a divorce.

1. Join a support group

Understand that whatever has happened to you might have happened to other people as well. Go out and get a different perspective from other people who have experienced or are experiencing the same issue as you. At the support group, you will be able to meet people who will give you practical solutions that they have tried and worked. These ideas can help you deal with the situation that you are undergoing.

2. Understand that your divorce might be a traumatic event

Acknowledging that you are undergoing a serious traumatic event can just be a cure in itself. Many people continue to experience post-traumatic stress disorder because of their life in denial. Understand that the divorce you are going through is a serious violation of your trust and will be traumatic. However only you can pick yourself up and move on as there is more at stake than just the marriage that has ended.

3. Take medication if necessary

Traumatizing events often lead to other medical conditions such as depression and anxiety. When this gets out of hand, they can be detrimental to your health. Seek medical advice and follow the prescription to the later and get back the normal life that you deserve.

4. Grieve when you can

Divorce results in many losses of very many important things. The betrayal, loss of family and dignity, loss of love and safety that comes in being in a relationship are some of the things that you should grieve about.

5. Consider psychotherapy

Psychotherapy also is known as talk therapy is considered one of the best and effective methods of healing a variety of mental illness PTSD being leading the group. Find a good psychologist within your budget and start your therapy sessions today. This will go along way in setting your path to recovery.

6. Try relaxation techniques and workouts

Going swimming or yoga can boost your blood circulation in the central nervous system and the brain. They will boost your moods and make you feel happy and help you deal with your current situation with a more positive outlook.

Divorce Lawyer Free Consultation

When you need legal help with a divorce in Utah, please call Ascent Law at (801) 676-5506. We want to help you.

Ascent Law LLC 8833 S. Redwood Road, Suite C West Jordan, Utah 84088 United States Telephone: (801) 676-5506

Ascent Law LLC

4.9 stars – based on 67 reviews

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Source: https://www.ascentlawfirm.com/can-divorce-cause-ptsd/

[mayarosa47]

Can Divorce Cause PTSD?

Divorce can be a traumatic experience especially if it happens suddenly. The pain and despair of finally being legally separated from someone who you have loved and cared for even if for a short period can be devastating. You have shared all your best and worst moments together. You even have a family. Everything is fine and all of a sudden it is not. Getting divorced from a person you have loved for years is never easy. Most divorces are stressful but not all can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), though some eventually do. Before we look at reasons as to why a divorce can lead to PTSD, we should first understand what it is.

What is PTSD?

According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), Post-traumatic stress disorder is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have witnessed or experienced a traumatizing event. PTSD is common to divorces that have occurred as a result of abusive marriages or relationships. People suffering from PTSD usually have intense and disturbing memories and thoughts that are connected to their experience. Reports by the American Psychiatric Association revealed that women are twice as likely to suffer from PTSD than men. This shocking result is also true in PTSD related to divorce or separation.

When it comes to marriages, abuse is not only physical but can be emotional too. People who have been in an emotionally abusive marriage can suffer from PTSD just like a physically abused person. The important thing is to know the symptoms so that you can to seek medical attention. It is common for people with this condition to have a horrible flashback or nightmares related to their traumatic event. You may also experience fear, general sadness, and anger.

Symptoms of PTSD after divorce

PTSD symptoms are classified into three major categories. These include the avoidance symptoms, the hyperarousal symptoms and the re-experiencing symptoms. It is important to understand that divorces are different and can therefore lead to different symptoms. For instance, while one person can be withdrawn and show sadness after divorce another person can be hyper and very active. However, the following symptoms are common to all those who are affected by PTSD.

● Depression

This form of depression experienced due to PTSD as a result of divorce is slightly different from normal clinical depression. This kind of depression is sometimes medically referred to as situational depression or an adjustment depression. It is usually very difficult to differentiate between these two types of depression because they might manifest in similar ways.

Common signs to watch out for include loss of appetite, fatigue, loss of interest in hobbies or work, irritability, suicidal tendencies, and low self-esteem among other signs.

Women experience depression differently from men. In women, depression can manifest itself in terms of sadness and low self-esteem while in men it manifests in terms of rage, irritability or lack of sleep. Divorce can also trigger pre-existing depression just like a pre-existing mental illness can be a cause of a divorce.

To be diagnosed with depression a patient has to show more than five or more of the signs and symptoms. It is advisable that you see a medical doctor or psychiatrist as soon as you develop the above signs. The doctor is likely to recommend antidepressants and psychotherapy. He or she can also prescribe art therapy or acupuncture and relaxation techniques such as yoga depending on the level of the depression.

● Nightmare

Our brains usually process our fears more at night than during the day. These fears are then expressed in the form of nightmares that make us toss and turn at night. It is a common occurrence for many different people to have nightmares after a divorce. This condition is even more common in kids than in adults. It is inherent for children to be affected by the stress associated with divorce. If such a thing happens, it is the responsibility of the adult to reassure the kids of safety and support. Recent studies reveal that people going through a nasty divorce are likely to experience a major shift in terms of the content of their dreams. But the good thing is that the same studies conclude that the dreams and nightmares experienced can help the individuals cope with their current situation. The trick is to view the nightmares as a stepping stone rather than a deterrent.

● Flashbacks

It’s quite common for people who are divorced or are in the process to relive their worst or best moments through flashbacks. The flashbacks are usually triggered by a reminder such as seeing or experiencing similar events that you had together with your spouse. The condition can easily get out of hand and can be hard to manage. The flashback can start as a temporary occurrence and quickly develop to a complicated level where the person is not aware of the present at all. Understanding the triggers as well as knowing the early warning signs can go a long way in managing your condition.

● Emotional Outburst

This is regarded as one of the many hyperarousal symptoms of divorce-related PTSD. Emotional outburst such as the display of anger goes hand in hand with PTSD. When this condition happens to you, you can easily harm yourself or others around you. This is because the emotion is normally intense and can easily get out of control. In case of such a situation, the ideal solution is to learn to control yourself whether you are alone or around other people. Get help and don’t hold your emotions as this will lead to more aggressive behavior.

● Feeling of guilt

Guilt is usually defined as the sense of remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense. The reasons why you are feeling guilty after divorce is you probably think that you are the sole cause of the divorce. Understand that the other partner might have played a significant role resulting in a divorce and that is not entirely your mistake. Yes, you might have contributed to a certain extent but you are not entirely to blame. Many people start a relationship with different reasons and the relationships end due to many other reasons.

● Short term insomnia

There is tangible evidence to proclaim that the stability and quality of a romantic relationship has a huge impact on health associated with sleep. The impact of divorce on our sleeping pattern cannot be ignored. Divorce is likely to trigger many sleeping disorders including insomnia if not well taken care of. A research study published by the US National Library of Medicine National Institute of Health shows that couples undergoing a divorce process are at a bigger risk of developing sleep disorders. Stress associated with divorce is a major contributor to lack of sleep. Getting quality sleep is effective in helping to cope with the trauma caused by divorce. It is common for sleep-related issues to persist during and after divorce. However, after the divorce process, if finalized, the normal sleeping pattern is expected to resume. The adjustment is a bit easier in children than in adults.

● Memory problems

The brain responds to stress brought about by divorce by secreting certain hormones known as the corticosteroid from the adrenal gland. This hormone is known to cause short term memory loss according to studies and scientific experiments. Factors such as PTSD are also known to increase the secretion of the hormone further impeding your memory.

● Anxiety

According to the US Surgeon General close to 40 percent of people undergoing a divorce have reported a huge increase in symptoms of anxiety. Any major life change can result in anxiety but divorce is one of the biggest contributors. The major type of anxiety caused by divorce is separation anxiety. This the clinical word that refers to the state of emotional distress that is experienced when a person is separated from another person that they love or are close to.

Separation anxiety is common among children but can occur in adults too. There are many ways to deal with anxiety. Some people go for medication while others opt for other options such as therapy. The important thing is to know when your anxiety if getting out of hand and seek medical attention. You can also try exercising and going to the gym. Engaging in any physical activity has been proven to reduce stress and anxiety and this can be an effective method for you too. Whatever the case don’t lose hope continue to fight if not for you then at least for your kids.

● Substance Abuse

Many people resort to drugs, alcohol and other harmful substances after a divorce. Substance abuse and drug addiction is also a major factor that leads to divorce. Substance abuse can also affect the outcome of your divorce in many ways. For instance, child custody. A judge can make the rulings of child custody depending on the sobriety of the parents are guardians involved. The following are ways in which substance abuse can affect the outcome of your divorce case in court. The amount of alimony. Normally the amount of alimony allocated will only be affected if the spouse or partner negatively impacted on the finances of the household. A judge can make his or her decision to award a sober partner more cash is the affected partner uses a significant portion of the finances on drugs or any other substance. Custody of the kids. The magistrate or judge hearing your divorce case can allocate more time if not all to the sober partner. this is because the primary concern in any divorce case is the children. Other fs includes the allocation and division of assets as well as the general outcome of the negotiation in the divorce. Understanding that no amount of alcohol or drugs can change your current situation is the first step in healing.

The process of recovering from PTSD after divorce

In life no situation is permanent. Today you might be grieving or trying to recover from an emotional breakdown caused by a divorce and tomorrow you are laughing and enjoying life. Recovering from PTSD can be challenging especially if you have no one to take care of you such as your spouse. However, there are simple ways that can help you fight PTSD after getting a divorce.

1. Join a support group

Understand that whatever has happened to you might have happened to other people as well. Go out and get a different perspective from other people who have experienced or are experiencing the same issue as you. At the support group, you will be able to meet people who will give you practical solutions that they have tried and worked. These ideas can help you deal with the situation that you are undergoing.

2. Understand that your divorce might be a traumatic event

Acknowledging that you are undergoing a serious traumatic event can just be a cure in itself. Many people continue to experience post-traumatic stress disorder because of their life in denial. Understand that the divorce you are going through is a serious violation of your trust and will be traumatic. However only you can pick yourself up and move on as there is more at stake than just the marriage that has ended.

3. Take medication if necessary

Traumatizing events often lead to other medical conditions such as depression and anxiety. When this gets out of hand, they can be detrimental to your health. Seek medical advice and follow the prescription to the later and get back the normal life that you deserve.

4. Grieve when you can

Divorce results in many losses of very many important things. The betrayal, loss of family and dignity, loss of love and safety that comes in being in a relationship are some of the things that you should grieve about.

5. Consider psychotherapy

Psychotherapy also is known as talk therapy is considered one of the best and effective methods of healing a variety of mental illness PTSD being leading the group. Find a good psychologist within your budget and start your therapy sessions today. This will go along way in setting your path to recovery.

6. Try relaxation techniques and workouts

Going swimming or yoga can boost your blood circulation in the central nervous system and the brain. They will boost your moods and make you feel happy and help you deal with your current situation with a more positive outlook.

Divorce Lawyer Free Consultation

When you need legal help with a divorce in Utah, please call Ascent Law at (801) 676-5506. We want to help you.

Ascent Law LLC 8833 S. Redwood Road, Suite C West Jordan, Utah 84088 United States Telephone: (801) 676-5506

Ascent Law LLC

4.9 stars – based on 67 reviews

Recent Posts

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Is A Foreclosure Better Or A Short Sale?

Can Bankruptcy Help Me?

Utah Statute of Limitations

Differences Between Copyright And Trademark

Corporate Lawyer Alpine Utah

from https://www.ascentlawfirm.com/can-divorce-cause-ptsd/

from Criminal Defense Lawyer West Jordan Utah - Blog http://criminaldefenselawyerwestjordanutah.weebly.com/blog/can-divorce-cause-ptsd

[aretia]

Can Divorce Cause PTSD?

Divorce can be a traumatic experience especially if it happens suddenly. The pain and despair of finally being legally separated from someone who you have loved and cared for even if for a short period can be devastating. You have shared all your best and worst moments together. You even have a family. Everything is fine and all of a sudden it is not. Getting divorced from a person you have loved for years is never easy. Most divorces are stressful but not all can lead to post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD), though some eventually do. Before we look at reasons as to why a divorce can lead to PTSD, we should first understand what it is.

What is PTSD?

According to the American Psychiatric Association (APA), Post-traumatic stress disorder is a psychiatric disorder that can occur in people who have witnessed or experienced a traumatizing event. PTSD is common to divorces that have occurred as a result of abusive marriages or relationships. People suffering from PTSD usually have intense and disturbing memories and thoughts that are connected to their experience. Reports by the American Psychiatric Association revealed that women are twice as likely to suffer from PTSD than men. This shocking result is also true in PTSD related to divorce or separation.

When it comes to marriages, abuse is not only physical but can be emotional too. People who have been in an emotionally abusive marriage can suffer from PTSD just like a physically abused person. The important thing is to know the symptoms so that you can to seek medical attention. It is common for people with this condition to have a horrible flashback or nightmares related to their traumatic event. You may also experience fear, general sadness, and anger.

Symptoms of PTSD after divorce

PTSD symptoms are classified into three major categories. These include the avoidance symptoms, the hyperarousal symptoms and the re-experiencing symptoms. It is important to understand that divorces are different and can therefore lead to different symptoms. For instance, while one person can be withdrawn and show sadness after divorce another person can be hyper and very active. However, the following symptoms are common to all those who are affected by PTSD.

● Depression

This form of depression experienced due to PTSD as a result of divorce is slightly different from normal clinical depression. This kind of depression is sometimes medically referred to as situational depression or an adjustment depression. It is usually very difficult to differentiate between these two types of depression because they might manifest in similar ways.

Common signs to watch out for include loss of appetite, fatigue, loss of interest in hobbies or work, irritability, suicidal tendencies, and low self-esteem among other signs.

Women experience depression differently from men. In women, depression can manifest itself in terms of sadness and low self-esteem while in men it manifests in terms of rage, irritability or lack of sleep. Divorce can also trigger pre-existing depression just like a pre-existing mental illness can be a cause of a divorce.

To be diagnosed with depression a patient has to show more than five or more of the signs and symptoms. It is advisable that you see a medical doctor or psychiatrist as soon as you develop the above signs. The doctor is likely to recommend antidepressants and psychotherapy. He or she can also prescribe art therapy or acupuncture and relaxation techniques such as yoga depending on the level of the depression.

● Nightmare

Our brains usually process our fears more at night than during the day. These fears are then expressed in the form of nightmares that make us toss and turn at night. It is a common occurrence for many different people to have nightmares after a divorce. This condition is even more common in kids than in adults. It is inherent for children to be affected by the stress associated with divorce. If such a thing happens, it is the responsibility of the adult to reassure the kids of safety and support. Recent studies reveal that people going through a nasty divorce are likely to experience a major shift in terms of the content of their dreams. But the good thing is that the same studies conclude that the dreams and nightmares experienced can help the individuals cope with their current situation. The trick is to view the nightmares as a stepping stone rather than a deterrent.

● Flashbacks

It’s quite common for people who are divorced or are in the process to relive their worst or best moments through flashbacks. The flashbacks are usually triggered by a reminder such as seeing or experiencing similar events that you had together with your spouse. The condition can easily get out of hand and can be hard to manage. The flashback can start as a temporary occurrence and quickly develop to a complicated level where the person is not aware of the present at all. Understanding the triggers as well as knowing the early warning signs can go a long way in managing your condition.

● Emotional Outburst

This is regarded as one of the many hyperarousal symptoms of divorce-related PTSD. Emotional outburst such as the display of anger goes hand in hand with PTSD. When this condition happens to you, you can easily harm yourself or others around you. This is because the emotion is normally intense and can easily get out of control. In case of such a situation, the ideal solution is to learn to control yourself whether you are alone or around other people. Get help and don’t hold your emotions as this will lead to more aggressive behavior.

● Feeling of guilt

Guilt is usually defined as the sense of remorse caused by feeling responsible for some offense. The reasons why you are feeling guilty after divorce is you probably think that you are the sole cause of the divorce. Understand that the other partner might have played a significant role resulting in a divorce and that is not entirely your mistake. Yes, you might have contributed to a certain extent but you are not entirely to blame. Many people start a relationship with different reasons and the relationships end due to many other reasons.

● Short term insomnia

There is tangible evidence to proclaim that the stability and quality of a romantic relationship has a huge impact on health associated with sleep. The impact of divorce on our sleeping pattern cannot be ignored. Divorce is likely to trigger many sleeping disorders including insomnia if not well taken care of. A research study published by the US National Library of Medicine National Institute of Health shows that couples undergoing a divorce process are at a bigger risk of developing sleep disorders. Stress associated with divorce is a major contributor to lack of sleep. Getting quality sleep is effective in helping to cope with the trauma caused by divorce. It is common for sleep-related issues to persist during and after divorce. However, after the divorce process, if finalized, the normal sleeping pattern is expected to resume. The adjustment is a bit easier in children than in adults.

● Memory problems

The brain responds to stress brought about by divorce by secreting certain hormones known as the corticosteroid from the adrenal gland. This hormone is known to cause short term memory loss according to studies and scientific experiments. Factors such as PTSD are also known to increase the secretion of the hormone further impeding your memory.

● Anxiety

According to the US Surgeon General close to 40 percent of people undergoing a divorce have reported a huge increase in symptoms of anxiety. Any major life change can result in anxiety but divorce is one of the biggest contributors. The major type of anxiety caused by divorce is separation anxiety. This the clinical word that refers to the state of emotional distress that is experienced when a person is separated from another person that they love or are close to.

Separation anxiety is common among children but can occur in adults too. There are many ways to deal with anxiety. Some people go for medication while others opt for other options such as therapy. The important thing is to know when your anxiety if getting out of hand and seek medical attention. You can also try exercising and going to the gym. Engaging in any physical activity has been proven to reduce stress and anxiety and this can be an effective method for you too. Whatever the case don’t lose hope continue to fight if not for you then at least for your kids.

● Substance Abuse

Many people resort to drugs, alcohol and other harmful substances after a divorce. Substance abuse and drug addiction is also a major factor that leads to divorce. Substance abuse can also affect the outcome of your divorce in many ways. For instance, child custody. A judge can make the rulings of child custody depending on the sobriety of the parents are guardians involved. The following are ways in which substance abuse can affect the outcome of your divorce case in court. The amount of alimony. Normally the amount of alimony allocated will only be affected if the spouse or partner negatively impacted on the finances of the household. A judge can make his or her decision to award a sober partner more cash is the affected partner uses a significant portion of the finances on drugs or any other substance. Custody of the kids. The magistrate or judge hearing your divorce case can allocate more time if not all to the sober partner. this is because the primary concern in any divorce case is the children. Other fs includes the allocation and division of assets as well as the general outcome of the negotiation in the divorce. Understanding that no amount of alcohol or drugs can change your current situation is the first step in healing.

The process of recovering from PTSD after divorce

In life no situation is permanent. Today you might be grieving or trying to recover from an emotional breakdown caused by a divorce and tomorrow you are laughing and enjoying life. Recovering from PTSD can be challenging especially if you have no one to take care of you such as your spouse. However, there are simple ways that can help you fight PTSD after getting a divorce.

1. Join a support group

Understand that whatever has happened to you might have happened to other people as well. Go out and get a different perspective from other people who have experienced or are experiencing the same issue as you. At the support group, you will be able to meet people who will give you practical solutions that they have tried and worked. These ideas can help you deal with the situation that you are undergoing.

2. Understand that your divorce might be a traumatic event

Acknowledging that you are undergoing a serious traumatic event can just be a cure in itself. Many people continue to experience post-traumatic stress disorder because of their life in denial. Understand that the divorce you are going through is a serious violation of your trust and will be traumatic. However only you can pick yourself up and move on as there is more at stake than just the marriage that has ended.

3. Take medication if necessary

Traumatizing events often lead to other medical conditions such as depression and anxiety. When this gets out of hand, they can be detrimental to your health. Seek medical advice and follow the prescription to the later and get back the normal life that you deserve.

4. Grieve when you can

Divorce results in many losses of very many important things. The betrayal, loss of family and dignity, loss of love and safety that comes in being in a relationship are some of the things that you should grieve about.

5. Consider psychotherapy

Psychotherapy also is known as talk therapy is considered one of the best and effective methods of healing a variety of mental illness PTSD being leading the group. Find a good psychologist within your budget and start your therapy sessions today. This will go along way in setting your path to recovery.

6. Try relaxation techniques and workouts

Going swimming or yoga can boost your blood circulation in the central nervous system and the brain. They will boost your moods and make you feel happy and help you deal with your current situation with a more positive outlook.

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When you need legal help with a divorce in Utah, please call Ascent Law at (801) 676-5506. We want to help you.

Ascent Law LLC 8833 S. Redwood Road, Suite C West Jordan, Utah 84088 United States Telephone: (801) 676-5506

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Source: https://www.ascentlawfirm.com/can-divorce-cause-ptsd/