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pesterloglog · 11 months ago

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Autoresponder, Jake English

Act 6, page 5057-5062

timaeusTestified [TT] began pestering golgothasTerror [GT]

TT: Hold up.

TT: Before you go any further, there's been a change of plan.

GT: Oh why am i not surprised!

GT: Still no human dirk?

TT: Don't worry, you'll see him very soon. In a way.

GT: What is the change of plan?

TT: Well, not a change of plan so much as an acceleration.

TT: Everyone needs to get into the game sooner than expected. There is a new unaccounted for variable.

GT: I see. Variables and what not.

GT: Lets cut to the chase! What do i do.

TT: Install the server. I downloaded it to your computer along with a few other crucial system upgrades.

GT: Crucial upgrades huh?

GT: I dunno about crucial buddy i see you have trolled me with like 50 copies of this dumbfuck social media software for cool bros in hats but ok.

TT: Damn. Nothing gets by English.

TT: The guy is untrollable.

GT: Ok i installed it should i run it?

TT: Yes.

TT: You will be connecting with Dirk. I will have Jane connect with Roxy. Setting up the chain like this will be important.

GT: Sure if you say so.

TT: That copy is programmed to connect automatically with the client Dirk is running.

TT: Do it quickly. His life depends on it.

GT: Great caesars ghost! Why didnt you say so.

GT: Ok done.

GT: Hey theres his room!

GT: Heh heh. Id recognize that room anywhere.

GT: Horses puppets holy smokes there is a man who knows what he likes.

TT: Damn straight.

GT: But where is he?

GT: I dont see him elsewhere in the place.

GT: Lots of priceless sbahj merch though im so jealous.

TT: I'll see about hooking you up when you join the game. No promises, though. He's pretty attached to all that shit.

TT: He has not yet transcended the primitive desire for material goods, as he is not two conjoined triangles of pure unflappable logic.

GT: What?

TT: Sorry.

TT: As a pair of overly intellectual triangles, sometimes my wording can be a bit...

TT: Obtuse.

TT: 🕶️

GT: Lol!

GT: Just joking bro that sucked.

GT: How do i find dirk and save his life?

TT: Zoom out.

TT: Way out.

GT: Eureka!!!!!

GT: Youre right he sure does look to be in a thorough pickle.

GT: My impulse is to message him now but youre kind of bogarting his chumhandle so i dont even know how to do that?

TT: He's concentrating on some things happening on Derse at the moment.

TT: Not to mention some uncannily similar things going down on Earth, which it seems you have noticed.

TT: He's also talking to someone, trying to appraise the exact nature of the threat.

TT: Unfortunately as a carbon based life form, his comprehension of the situation is taking shape at a somewhat slower pace than the jaw-dropping speed of post-singularity cognition.

TT: So I am taking the reins and accelerating the plan on his behalf, while he's busy with the corporeal stuff as usual.

GT: Ok then how do i help?

TT: Deploy all the devices in the Phernalia Registry. Ideally in places that aren't stupid.

TT: Do it quickly, so he can activate the entry sequence and escape.

GT: I will have them deployed lickety split.

GT: That flaming ocean is nothing to sneeze at.

GT: It is fixing to burn his... uh. Skeletal highrise thing right the heck down.

TT: Really, the fire is not the most significant threat.

GT: Oh. Are more robots on the way?

TT: No.

TT: Do you see the red stringy stuff coming from the sky?

GT: Um...

TT: Are you blind? It's right there, Jake.

GT: Oh!

GT: You mean the super deadly red shit?

TT: Yes. The super deadly red shit.

GT: Say no more.

GT: I understand the threat and will now spring into action guns blazing.

GT: Well maybe not guns blazing.

GT: The guns and how they blaze will be metaphors for my tenacity and gumption as an elite gamer.

TT: Just fuckin' deploy the stuff, you humongous dork.

GT: There we are. No sweat.

TT: Cool.

GT: Haha! He did a thumbs up at me.

GT: Hey buddy!

GT: Say hey buddy to him.

TT: Ok.

TT: He says hey.

GT: Sweet.

GT: Now what?

TT: Stand by. He may need further assistance once he begins the sequence.

GT: How long will that take?

TT: Once he's ready. I'll try to nudge him along, but unfortunately, the fact that he is me notwithstanding, Dirk can be just as sluggish and uncooperative as the rest of you god damned meat mannequins.

GT: Understood. That being as it is in the meantime i think ill poke into one of these transporty doodads.

TT: What?

TT: No, you fickle fuckwit.

TT: Stay your ass put.

GT: Whoa what is THIS place?

GT: Things sure are a rumblin here in this enchanted purple palace.

GT: I cant believe i never found those hidden transport pads under the thing.

TT: Dude, I could have told you they were there.

GT: How did you know about them?

TT: I didn't.

TT: But it's like platformer gaming 101. You look everywhere for secret passages and power-ups and shit.

TT: Elevators are especially fucking suspicious.

TT: You go down an elevator, you wait for the elevator to go back up, you take a peek at what's underneath.

TT: Maybe it's just death spikes. Or maybe you hit warp zone paydirt.

GT: You are so wise. I will never be as elite of a game bro as you.

TT: I'm not a Game Bro. I just know literally everything about basically all subjects.

TT: Now go back where you came from. Dirk might need help.

GT: Will you untwist your virtual knickers. I have everything under control.

GT: I think this may be where my grandma used to go during some of her expeditions.

GT: You dont just pass up the chance for an adventure like this!

TT: Yes, Jake. You do.

TT: How much deeper down the damn bunny hole do you need to go? There is no White Rabbit waiting for you here.

GT: We will just see about THAT.

GT: Besides i have my skulltop with me so i can swoop in to assist dirk at any time!

TT: This is an atrocious idea.

#homestuck #autoresponder #jake english #homestuck act 6 #page 5057 #page 5058 #page 5059 #page 5060 #page 5061 #page 5062 #homestuck act 6 act 3

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