#letting myself just leave stuff rough and it’s made my life better

[jjinpang]

[cherriesformatt]

a day || matt sturniolo

matt x fem!reader

summary: what would a typical day as Matt's girlfriend would look like

warnings: pure fluff

word count: 1,6k

a/n: idk let me know how I did English is not my first language but I am working on it

I was on my way from a long, Friday, morning meeting and all I was thinking about was going back to bed and never leaving it again. My week started with my car breaking down out of nowhere, then I got my period (which is not as bad when you think about it because it would be worse if I didn't get it), and then I had an actual meeting, in an actual office, with actual people (I usually work from home in my pajamas). 

I had to drive my boyfriend's car to the meeting downtown. I am glad that I could, but let me tell you one thing, my boyfriend's car is giant and to park this lady downtown I needed to leave 30 minutes early. 

chris 🦋:

waiting for u outside thx for picking me up kid ❤️

"oh fuck" I said to myself as I quickly did a U-turn before it was too late. Was it safe? No. Did everyone survive? Yes.

I totally forgot that I was supposed to pick up Chris from his own meeting since Matt couldn't because I had their car. I dialed Chrise's number.

"hi, ur okay?" he asked. 

"yes, I just might or might not forgot to pick you up so I'll be there in 15 okay? I'm sorry I had a rough morning..." 

"Bro no worries I'll pick up some coffee while I wait and you drive safe okay?" I smiled because wasn't he the best? He doesn't even drink coffee. 

"Okay I'll see you there"

I ended the call and typed Chris's location. It wasn't that bad with the traffic so I was there in less than 15 minutes. 

I was able to park where he was waiting so he got into the passenger seat and smiled at me while I started driving again. I really want to be home. 

"I would say good morning but I'll keep that to myself. Got you an americano and banana bread" He put my coffee in the cup holder and threw his backpack on the back seat. 

"Thank you, that's really sweet, I am literally half dead so that will help" I laughed and took a sip of my coffee. 

"I still think that my brother is dating a weirdo, how can you even drink it black and unsweetened?" Chris looks at me with a disgusted face. 

"You are all literally bunch of weirdos so I just matched the energy you know" I blinked at him and stopped on the red. 

"How was your meeting? New fresh love is gonna be fire. I got the drafts in my mail this morning. Did not change a thing. You and the team did great" I said and smiled at him. 

I was a graphic designer and helped Chris at the beginning of his brand, but I did not really want to work for him so I just help sometimes if it's needed. I am really happy that he still likes to know what I think about the projects tho. I also used to work for Laura but not anymore. That's basically how we all met. I quit after me and Matt started to be a thing. 

"I know right? Well, I knew you will love it. The meeting was great, we should be able to make everything work by the end of the month. And guess what... I actually got samples and I have a pink set for you kid" 

"Honestly... made my day, I am going to wear it for everything now" I laughed.

"Just don't post it yet" He said and started to click things on the car's screen.

"Just use my phone for music" I gave him my phone and he typed my code and put our favorite song by lil skies on. 

"Still can't believe I memorized Niall Horan's birthday just to get to your phone" 

I blinked at him and started rapping with the song. I loved make a toast. Music taste is probably one of the things that made my and Chris's bond strong. Don't get me wrong I love Nick as much as I do Chris, but he just always gets me and we were best friends since day one. The funny thing is that me and Matt did not really liked each other at first. 

The ride home made my mood better. We sang and laugh, I wasn't tired of my life that much anymore. I took my shoes off while holding all of my stuff. Matt was on the couch watching something while we made our way up the stairs. 

"Hi baby... How was it?" He asked as soon as he saw me.

"Crap, I am going to call Laura to take me back" I laughed and put my stuff on the table and went to wash my hands in the kitchen sink. I then walked up to Matt and just threw myself next to him to cuddle his side. 

He kissed my forehead and started to rub my back. 

"I am going to take a nice nap, you kids have fun but not too much" Chris waved at us and went back down the stairs to his room. 

Matt rolled his eyes and kissed my head again. 

"How about we do something nice together? Nick is going to come home with Madi soon, I think, and that means laud. We could go to that beach you like and just get food and watch the sunset later" He asked.

All I was thinking about was his cold hand on my back and how much I just loved that man. He knew exactly what I needed.

"Yes, please. I just need to change. I wore a bra man, can you believe this?" I sit back up. 

He laughed at me and shook his head. 

"Go then," He said patting my thigh. 

I went to put my new fresh love set in Matt's bedroom, used the bathroom and when I was ready we went out.

"Wow, so it's your car now, huh?" Matt started to change the mirrors and seat but he also raised his eyebrows looking at my stuff next to the shift gear. 

"Baby it's only essentials to drive, okay?" I smiled and got comfortable in the passenger seat. 

We drove to get food and dessert. The weather was perfect to just spend an entire afternoon on the beach. Boys did not have any work plans today so I knew Matt was all mine for the rest of the day.

We sat on the beach, had our food, and just talked or cuddled in comfortable silence. That's what I mostly love about spending time with Matt. We could just sit the whole day without a word and be alright with it, but also we could talk for hours and we would always have something to talk about.

"I love you Matty, thanks for taking me to the beach. This new project sucks but I know it's going to be better after that. I really needed just you today" 

I kissed his sweet lips. He tasted like the cherry Pepsi that we just had. He pulled me into his lap and slid his hands under my hoodie while he kissed me back. 

I rested my forehead on his as I pulled away and smiled. 

"Anything for my girl, I love you kid" He kissed my nose and I just wrapped myself around his body.

"I am not moving, you might as well carry me to your car like this" I said into his neck. 

He laughed at that and hugged me back.

"Or we can just stay here" He lay back down on the blanket. 

"I promised your brother that we are going to watch Criminal Minds with him tho" I said.

"Sometimes I just wish you and Chris weren't the same person y/n..." He joked and looked at his phone, holding it above my head.

"Let's go back after sunset in that case baby"

We did watch the sunset, my favorite part of the day. We came back home and spent time with his brothers as I had promised Chris. 

"Spend the night?" Matt whispered in my ear while the last episode for tonight ended. 

I smiled and nodded. I was off tomorrow and did not want him to drive me home that late anyway.

We said goodnight and went to his room. 

"I will go take a shower" I said and opened his drawer to take a pair of boxers and a T-shirt. 

"Go ahead, I went shopping while you were gone. I did restock your basket under the sink. I hope I did it right" He scratched his neck looking at me.

I had my stuff here, but I usually did the restock. Especially my period stuff under the sink.

"Matt...you did not have to do that, thank you, baby" I said pouting my lips.

"I wanted to, I want you to feel comfortable here. Not only you tho, all our girlfriends that come to our house. It's great that you did the basket and stuff" He smiled and I kissed his cheek.

"You are too sweet Matthew"

I went to the bathroom, when I was done he went to take a shower while I waited in his bed scrolling on TikTok.

When Matt came back from the bathroom I looked at him. He was wearing just his pajama pants. 

"Should I just say what all of the girls in my books would say? Matthew, you are such a tease" I wiggled my eyebrows at him.

"Oh my god, would you stop?" He got into bed laughing at what I said. 

"You love me for that" I put my phone on the nightstand and rested my head on his chest.

"Goodnight Matt" I closed my eyes.

He turned the lights off and tucked us in with the blanket. 

"Goodnight sweet girl" He kissed my head while I was already half asleep after this long day.

The best way to end the day is knowing that I will wake up in his arms the next morning. 

[jiraisupportgroup]

♡ Why Do I Cry So Much? ♡

It's rough out here as a crybaby (I say lovingly as a crybaby myself). Sometimes we can feel like we cry too much, or we shouldn't be crying. Let's talk about crying, what it is, why the hell we do it so much, and what we can do about it.

♡ Why Do We Cry? ♡

Emotional Response Often the intensity of the emotion is what causes you to cry, not the emotion itself. You can cry from sadness, happiness, anger, frustration, pain, excitement, etc. Any intense emotion can make you cry.

Underlying Factors Sometimes we cry over things that we feel aren't a big deal. It can be confusing or annoying when this happens, and sometimes it can feel like we're being dramatic or dumb (we're not). Think of your emotional availability as a bucket. Once that bucket starts to overflow, you begin to cry. Things like stress, hormone imbalances, depression, anxiety, etc can either take up space in that bucket or change the size of the bucket entirely. Additionally, if things have been happening that you haven't addressed or fully processed, they just sit in the bucket and take up space. This can lead to us crying over things that we feel logically there is no reason to cry about. Your bucket is full, regardless of what the actual event that pushed it over the edge is.

Other Random Stuff Sometimes you just cry. Your eyes might be dry, you might have something in them, or your brain might just decide to start crying. I often have experiences where if I am awake for too long tears just start streaming out of my eyes. I don't feel anything when this happens, I just get too tired and start crying. Sometimes weird shit like that happens, the human body is a very strange thing and everyone is different.

♡ What Does Crying Do For Us? ♡

Emotional Regulation Crying releases oxytocin and endorphins. Oxytocin can help calm you down, and endorphins can reduce pain and give you a sense of happiness. When you cry, your body releases these "let's feel better" chemicals. That's why often times after you cry, you begin to feel a little bit better.

Physical Relaxation This ties back into the endorphins, but crying can release physical tension in your body. This is a combination of endorphins being cool and expressing your emotions through crying itself. A lot of times if we work through our emotions or express them, afterwards we feel physical tension leave our body as well. Physical tension in places like the shoulders, back, neck, jaw are often affected by our emotional states.

♡ When Does Crying Become a Problem? ♡

Lack of Release One of the whole reasons why we cry is for the emotional release that comes from it. For those of us with mental illnesses or extreme stress sometimes we don't get this release. We can feel numb, empty, or sometimes even worse after crying.

Increased or Uncontrollable Crying Crying that seemingly happens for no reason at all. Crying that goes on for hours. A sudden increase in the frequency of crying for a reason you can't identify. All of these things can be indicative of a larger underlying issue.

Affecting Daily Life Crying which prevents you from doing your daily tasks. Everyone is going to have to excuse themselves from work or school or a social gathering to cry a few times in their life, but if it becomes a frequent thing it can be very difficult to deal with. Additionally so if you have anxiety around crying in public - as this can affect your willingness or ability to do things like go grocery shopping, go to school or work, or even leave your house to do much of anything.

Inability to Cry The feeling that you need to cry or are going to start crying but aren't able to actually cry. This is fairly common in people on SSRIs or with clinical depression, but other people can experience this as well.

♡ How do I Stop Crying So Much? ♡

(gif is originally by 1041uuu - There is a text version of this gif at the end of the post under the "keep reading" - I did not realize when I made this on my computer that it would be really hard to read on a phone. The image is fine if you download it but on the website, it can be hard to read, my apologies.)

♡ Thank You For Reading ♡

There is no shame in crying! Crying is healthy for you! But if you find yourself crying very frequently there may be something else going on that needs attention. Hopefully, this post can bring you a little bit of comfort ♡

Text Version Of The Gif:

In The Short Term

Remove yourself from the trigger. Whether this be a song, a conversation, or a stressful situation, remove yourself from whatever it is. If you are not sure why you are crying, or you are crying about something that is not currently happening, move to a more comfortable place to process your emotions.

Take deep and intentional breaths. Slowing down your breathing can help you calm down, and can also help prevent hyperventilation.

Use a grounding technique. Focus your attention on something whether that be counting, tossing a ball in between your hands, a certain smell, etc.

Look upwards. This is not only good for preventing tears from falling, but can also help release tension in your shoulders and neck. often times releasing physical tension in the body can help us feel emotionally less strained as well.

In The Long Term

Keep track of what types of things or situations cause you to cry. This can help you understand what sorts of things you have emotional responses to, and you can address them from there.

Acknowledge the feelings which caused you to cry. This can help you understand what sorts of things you have emotional responses to, and you can address them from there.

Allow yourself to cry. Everyone is going to cry sometimes, it is healthy for you, and it is nothing to be ashamed about. Allow yourself to process the emotions you are feeling. Give yourself the space to express your emotions.

[the---hermit]

I have not kept it a secret that this semester commuting has been really rough on me. By the time I get home in the middle of the afternoon even if I only had to sit in a hour and a half lecture I feel like an overcooked noodle. And the mornings aren't any easier, my anxiety has been spiking a lot lately, and that messes me up completly, and it's particularly hard on my stomach. Let's just say it's a very demanding period of my life both physically and emotionally and I have been doing my best to get through it with ups and downs, but most importantly by trying to properly take care of myself. I decided to compile a list of small things that have been helping me, both for future reference as well as for people who might be dealing with similar issues.

Prep everything I can the night before. I don't leave the house until more or less mid morning since my class is on lunch time more or less (and this will come up again), so I do have time to do stuff in the morning, but if I have already put everything I need in my backpack, picked an outfit for the day and checked that I have my bus ticket the night before I can have a much calmer morning. Having a calm morning is fundamental for me on any day, so especially when I have a stressful and energy demanding day ahead I want to make sure I don't have to rush, and here is my second point.

Try to have a morning as calm as possible before I have to leave. I am a morning person so I wake up quite early which means I have plenty of time to take it easy. And this means drink my tea as I read my book, prep the last few things I need, like my waterbottle, eat (on which I'll have a later point). Overall my morning before leaving needs to be slow and mostly made of things for myself so again my precious reading time, listening tocmusic as I get ready to get in a better mood and so on.

Taking my meds regularly. It's the logical thing to do, if I am in a period in which my anxiety is worse than usual the number one goal is to be consistent with meds, they are there to help me even if sometimes I forget that.

Finding ways to enjoy food when anxiety fucks up my stomach. What happens is that as soon as I have an anxiety spike for some reason I get very nauseous, which is terribly by itself and it gets worse when it makes me struggle to enjoy my food. But I found a couple of ways to work around that in the past few weeks. Eating when I am away from home is much worse so what I do is embrace the little hobbit in me and have more meals when I am at home, and just bring some snacks on the road if I need them. That means I have two breakfasts before I have to leave the house, the last being a bit more filling. And then when I get home no matter how tired I am or what time it is I cook something for myself, something simple, but I take the time to make something good that fills me up and makes me happy. Because having a full stomach does improve your mood belove me. When I am on the road I bring some lighter snacks that can help me if I feel like I need to have something but that will also work well if I have a spike in anxiety and correlated nausea. I usually eat some homemade bread while I walk from the bus stop to my uni, and then snack on some nuts while I wait for the lecture. And I always have an emergency sweet treat in my backpack because that is something that I actually do on a regular basis. This thing has been working very well, I have had less problems with my stomach acting up, and I am definitely getting all the nutrients I need during the day, just at times that are a bit different from my normal routine.

Bring tea with me. It's something I never did before but it's becoming the one thing I won't give up. I either make a green tea or an herbal tea that I drink before the lecture, and it's been so good for me both physically and mentally. It's been super cold so the warm treat is really needed, but most importantly it's been very comforting and calming, so shutout to my dad for suggesting that.

Having little things to look out for during the commute. This mostly consists of me listing to podcasts, and re:dracula has been of great company in my commutes last year so it's nice it's become a bit of a tradition. It's just good for me not to associate commuting with negative things, so now I just percieve it as poscast time which makes it much much better. This also includes texing friends when I feel like I can look at the screen of my phone without getting car sick (again when anxiety messes me up I can get random car sickness), that's good to keep my mind off things and make the commute feel lighter.

Total relax when I get home. Which sometimes means lying in bed with a cup of tea and nothing more. If I have enough brain power I might read a comic, or play stupid midless games on my tablet for a bit. Honestly just things that need as little energy and brainpower as possible because by that time I do not have much energy or brainpower left, and it's okay. I normally use up a lot of energy when going out and it this period of time all tasks require I use even more energy. I can't do much about it other than accept it and do my best to tke care of myself.

[allwormdiet]

Insinuation 2.2

Time for another day of learning and adventure at Winslow High

That does have to be weird, though, right? Like "I fought a big badass villain last night and survived, my whole world has been changed by this encounter, I stared death in the face, what do you mean I still have to go to class and act like nothing changed?" Massive whiplash, I'd imagine.

Mrs. Knott gives the impression of being... better, at least, than Gladly. She's putting the effort in if nothing else, even if she has to leave the better-performing students alone in order to handle the rest of them, but that feels more like a matter of understaffing than any personal failure on her part.

God it's still messed up that Taylor has such little respite from bullying. This poor girl.

...I think this is the first time I've ever seen anything about Taylor knowing basic computer programming. Wonder if that ever comes back around.

And yeah Taylor, of course you have a geeky reputation, you're a fucking geek. Even setting aside the stuff with the bullying, like c'mon.

I saw a shitpost about how the single reason that Earth Bet is a dystopia is that Reddit is the number one news source in the world and there's something really funny about that idea.

Okay real quick the screenshot would be too small for me to add alt text, but “This article is a stub. Be a hero and help us expand it.” is an objectively hilarious line

And here we get the most information on any given Undersider, and it's immediately clear that Rachel has had a hard fucking life, like hell. Living on the streets as a teenage parahuman must be rough as hell, it's like living on the streets as a normal teenager except people want to recruit or imprison you while wearing stupid costumes instead of just police uniforms

(I would follow a Bitch fansite though, for real)

That's not how gangs work but whatever

So the ABB has a dragon man with dragon tattoos who uses the Chinese word for dragon as his cape name while being from Japan, a suicide bomber who dresses like a ninja, and a bomb Tinker. I don't know enough about Bakuda to really say but Lung and Oni Lee's gimmicks feel... mm. Lazy isn't the right word. Let's just stick with "racist" and move on so it stops bugging me

This is cute actually. She did a good job and she wants to like, celebrate that... and the only problem is that there's nobody she can celebrate with. I just made myself sad thinking about that.

And now she's basically Googling herself, which is also somehow cute.

There's something really funny about the idea that like. Taylor gets in touch with the Undersiders through a fucking Missed Connections post on a superhero message board. Like it's almost certainly the safest and most reliable way to get that message out, but that doesn't make it less comical.

And it looks like that's where we're leaving things.

Current Thoughts

Hit some highs and lows with this chapter honestly. Learning a little bit more about Taylor (swear to god I've never heard the programming thing come up before) and getting more of a breakdown on the Undersiders is all well and good, plus developments from the events of the night before, but again the whole Deal of the ABB grates pretty harshly. Like you don't need goddamn Edward Said to tell you that's all crap, it's just crap, and I don't think it reflects well on the author for putting that crap out there instead of thinking about it for maybe another thirty minutes first.

I gotta run some errands, 2.3 after that, God willing I don't have to read about the ABB for a while longer

[titan-god-helios]

pt1 of oddly specific things that give me gender affirmation/euphoria (that may not be that odd but i didn’t expect them so shut up <3 /lh):

wallets !!!! a good stereotypically masculine wallet that’s small and leather and still has lots and lots of usability and looks like something a dad would use makes me feel so masculine !! love it

any type of trouser or bottoms with more than two pockets

windbreaker jackets - they make me go “FUCK YEEAAHH im such a boy a man a male tm yessir” and idk why they just do tho, even the fem ones to an extent

plantssss i love plants and they make me feel like a little gardner boy just yessss

energy drinks for some reason ???? they make the internal man dialogue of “IM A MANNN” go haywire so much

hairbands on my wrist and an excess of those wooden beaded bracelets or even stone beaded jewellery

cross earrings but just bc they look cool (i’m an atheist so yuh, i still love people who have religion too, y’all are awesome <3)

doing the thing with your hair where you take hair from one side and flip it on the other with one hand and its kind of like running your hand through your hair but with long hair…. esp of my other hand is on my hip and i scrunch my face ?!?!?!??!? so boyish i feel so good

dancing like an absolute idiot. i dont know why but every time i just do a little jig for myself by myself my gender is just like “yessssss you’re a boy frfr slay king”

watches !! big chunky analogue watches

following on from the last point, clocks too

mushroomsssss they make the more nonbinary side of me jump for joy cause like “yes ofc im a fucking forest goblin dude i love mushrooms im just a goblin guy leave me alone and let me love the shrooms”

sketching in public. it just doessss

camoflague clothing !! i mean this was probably obvious but when i came out to myself and i wore camo cargo pants (with loads of pockets mind you) i just freaked out in joy i felt so manly that day it was glorious

singing !! singing my favourite songs as low as i can go with it still sounding good

just being as stubborn as possible but in a non problematic (for the most part) way. like if you give me the option to make things easier and more convenient or not i’ll choose the harder option. idk it just makes me feel manly (is this toxic masculinity ?? i dont know but i try to remind myself that this only applies to non mental stuff so i don’t end up self-harming againnnn)

being unnecessarily overdressed

not brushing my hair till its perfectly untangled and just letting it be a bit wild - this came with me figuring out that my hair type is waywayway wavier/curlier than i thought my whole life and learning to take care of it the best i can whilst i have like zero products for waves/curls on hand and as a bonus i felt more masc !!

looking at the stretch marks underneath my boobs in the mirror. i have a large-ish chest i think (DD cup), plus i’m a lil chubby, so i have loads of stretch marks around my chest, and the ones underneath look like top surgery scars, so if i’m having a particularly rough day with my chest dysphoria i’ll look at em and feel a bit better

using my stim toys and accommodations with friends and by myself for my autism and adhd - being capable of taking care of myself finally makes me feel really confident and as a result quite masc as well

stimming by flipping my beaded bracelets between my fingers - this is specific to greek and possibly other cultures similar to greece but it’s typical for a lot of greek men to flip long-ish beaded loops (?? they’re not jewellery and specifically made for this but idk what they’re called so) between their fingers in a similar fashion, and it’s a thing that my dad does a lot when bored. whether neurodivergent or neurotypical it’s a very common thing for men and so doing it makes me not only feel good stimming but also feel manly as fuck ! it feels even better now that my mum saw me doing it once and said “what are you a man ??” and being closeted i had to say “idc im just flipping a bracelet why does it have to be gendered” BUT INSIDE I WAS SO HAPPY

playing card games - when i was younger and even now my dad and grandpa would let me sit in on their card games late at night when we visited them in greece and now when i play card games i always feel so calm and comforted and quietly masculine

drinkingggg now hear me out yes im a minor but i’m also half greek so as a result whenever my parents drink im allowed a bit too (under supervision ofc). anyway that out the way, i have a pretty fucking high alcohol tolerance and considering the fact that it comes from my dad (being asian, my mum’s tolerance is dogshit) plus the stereotypical “men can drink more” stuff i feel SO MANLYYYY when i can quite literally drink more than my dad and feel okay whilst he’s starting to be tipsy (just to clarify though, the stereotype is bullshit and should NOT be perpetuated as much as it is, at least with intent. you guys with low alcohol tolerances are just as manly !! maybe you’re even more manly than those with high tolerance !! and women with high tolerances, you’re still very fem and very cool and valid as a woman and those who aren’t binary or aligning you are valid as your gender or as no gender no matter what tolerance you have <33)

caring about myself more. and i don’t mean in a “i’m gonna have a nice fucking bath and be happy about it” way i mean in a “i’m going to feed myself well, drink lots of water, get good exercise and be respectful to myself at the very least” way. and also in the bath way. baths are nice

collecting shit !! idk dude but having a collection of dumb shit just makes me feel so masc and good cause i swear to the stars nearly every dude i’ve met and stepped into the house of has a collection of SOMETHING whether it’s games, books, rocks, crystals, cookbooks and recipies or art supplies or whatever makes them happy. like legit fucking anything and i like collecting stuff too so its a bonus !!

just being nice. just being a nice dude makes me feel so manly

being silly and myself and doing dumb shit and being unapologetic about it (im still working on being able to do this since i struggle a lot but when i can it feels so good !!)

being stupidly loyal to something equally stupid /pos. like yes i have had this stuffed animal since the dawn of time no i will never get rid of her. she’s a genderfuck lesbian rainbow tiger from buildabear workshop who goes by the name of Roxy i will never get rid of her >:(. and so what my ring is so rusty it makes my skin green every three days ?? i clean it and take it off when it gets out of control back off bitch its mine. why are you so concerned about my shoes ????? fuck you i like them how they are (falling apart and dishevelled, the sole is halfway off already and it hasn’t been even remotely okay since three years ago) and they still fit and work so i’ll wear them until i literally cannot anymore. its so fun and it’s such a “just some guy” activity AND it makes my autism goblin feel safe and good too so its great would reccommend

just talking about stuff i like and that makes me feel good but not to anybody in particular. maybe in my notes, maybe on tumblr (like right now !! i’m doing this one right now !!) maybe on my personal dm to myself. it just makes me feel like a boy i love it PLUS i dont actually have to stress about humans on the other end of it so i feel way more confident and comfortable and as a result even MORE manly !!

ice cream on cones. i will not elaborate

travelling and exploring !! like legit anywhere. as long as i’m moving from one place to another and exploring the world i feel so happy and right and also masculine it’s great i love travelling so much. on holidays i enjoy the act of travelling even more than the holiday itself tbh

(to clarify i identify as male but a bit fucked in the gender - if you want a label i still identify as nonbinary but male aligningg <3)

[up-in-space-reading]

Average Weekly Screentime - Chap 6: Vodka Cran and a Countdown

pairing: Jake Peralta x Amy Santiago

word count: 4002

warnings/tags: college au, texting, drunk texting, text fic (mostly, there's prose a few chaps in), bets, bisexual!jake peralta, jake peralta has adhd, parties, drinking and alcohol, sexual references, implied sexual content (nothing explicit, just suggested its going to happen/has happened), friends to lovers, swearing, mentions of cannibalism, lighthearted threats of violence (typical rosa stuff yk), fluff

read on ao3

Average Weekly Screentime masterlist

Story Summary: texting fic college AU with the squad! It's the beginning of the school year and while everyone else thinks it'll be the same as the previous year, Gina has a feeling things are going to be different and wagers a bet with Rosa and Charles. Told through all the various group chats everyone is in.

Chap 1 | Chap 2 | Chap 3 | Chap 4 | Chap 5 | Chap 6 | Chap 7 | Chap 8 | Chap 9 | Chap 10

authors note: here we are with the NYE chapter finally! its a huge 4000 words so I hope you appreciate it and i'm getting started on the next chap as we speak.

hope you enjoy!! <3

Skipping School Is(n’t) Cool

[11:26am, Sunday]

Cameron: Feeling like a real life barbie doll right now

Ferris: explain???

Cameron: Gina took pity on me and has come over to help me find an outfit for tonight

Ferris: ah yep Ferris: thatll do it

Cameron: I have tried on at least 13 different tops Cameron: Gina said she’s determined to have me looking 10 times better than I usually do apparently

Ferris: i think u look great as u are Ferris: dont need to change a thing Ferris: dont let gina push u around too much

Cameron: Thanks Jake. I won’t :)

-

[2:36pm, Sunday]

Ferris: havent heard from u in a while and thought id make sure gina didnt destroy your will to live

Cameron: I am being attacked with curlers

Ferris: uh oh

Cameron: Rosa is here too now, the party playlist has been put on and Gina is about to start her makeup

Ferris: didnt you say she was over at yours tho???

Cameron: She showed up with a duffel bag

Ferris: haha of course

Cameron: It’s nice though, I won’t complain about getting to spend time with them, it might even be a little bit fun Cameron: I’m actually excited to see how my hair will turn out

Ferris: draft message: im excited to see you Ferris: if gina has done it then youll look great!

Cameron: Gotta go, Gina is wondering who I’m messaging

Ferris: byeee ames

-

Jimmy Jabbers

[09:32pm, Sunday]

Four Eyes: Me, Rosa, and Gina leaving my dorm in about 10 minutes. Will we be meeting you guys there or will we go together?

Pineapples: charles and i on the way Pineapples: will see u there!!

Four Eyes: See you there!!

-

Dance Squad

[09:33pm, Sunday]

G-Hive: amy looks fantastic G-Hive: too covered up but compromises were made

Charlese: Gina you’re not allowed to meddle!

G-Hive: i didnt meddle!!

Scary: technically it wasn’t meddling, she was ‘helping a friend’

Charlese: ugh FINE

G-Hive: youll change your attitude when they kiss at midnight

Charlese: you can’t guarantee that

G-Hive: i cant G-Hive: but i will anyway

Scary: I don’t think one ‘makeover’ is gonna make them wanna kiss each other

G-Hive: you have no sense of romance

Scary: something I pride myself on

Charlese: gtg Jake is giving me weird looks

-

Amy could tell Gina was up to something when she kept trying to give Amy a specific amount of drinks before they left and on uber ride to the party. She just kept refusing and was grateful when Rosa eventually intervened and got Gina to stop, joining in the pre-drinks with Gina. Amy wasn’t embarrassed to tell them her and Jake had made a bet but he hadn’t mentioned it so she didn’t want to either, it was their secret. She just hoped Jake hadn’t gotten started before the party otherwise the catch up was going to be rough.

For this year Terry and his friends had hired out an entire bar, apparently having thought of the idea after they spent three whole days cleaning the house after last year’s party. Amy could hear the music pumping from the venue before she could even see it, seeing a few girls walking towards the bar in short dresses and suddenly feeling underdressed.

Although, she took small comfort in the fact that Rosa had gone for a similar outfit template to her – dark jeans and a nice top. Gina had done her makeup which didn’t look much different to how Amy usually does it except a little darker around her eyes and a bolder lip colour, explaining that it was a special occasion and special occasions called for something extra. Amy’s hair had been styled in loose, voluminous curls, they bounced around when she moved her head and it made Amy feel glamorous.

-

Jimmy Jabbers

[09:58pm, Sunday]

Four Eyes: @Pineapples Where are you guys? We’re almost there

Pineapples: we’ve secured a table in the back corner Pineapples: get here quick tho these people are vultures

Four Eyes: Be there ASAP!

-

Jake spotted Amy immediately from across the bar, even through all the people moving around he saw her. She looked as beautiful as ever and he hoped Charles didn’t hear the little sigh he let slip upon seeing her. He then quickly looked at Charles’ drink on the table before Amy noticed him staring at her.

The three girls arrived at the table looking put out at the journey from the door to the table through the sea of people but seemed pleased to finally be there nonetheless. Amy gave Jake a wide smile and it made him feel all warm inside despite the cool temperature outside.

“What’s the poison tonight?” Amy joked to Jake as slid into the circular booth next to him.

“Nothing yet, what do you want?” He asked back.

Amy’s eyebrows raised slightly in surprise at the question before she collected herself and answered him with a simple ‘surprise me’.

Jake nudged to Charles to get up and the two of them went up to the bar to get drinks for everyone. They came back with their hands full of drinks, Jake had settled on getting him and Amy a vodka-cranberry each. He hadn’t wanted to get a drink she wouldn’t like and it was way too early in the night yet for shots.

Thank you’s and your welcome’s were exchanged as Jake and Charles sat back down, once they were seated Gina then raised her glass in the air.

“Happy new year losers!”

A chorus of ‘happy new year’ responded while they all clinked their glasses together in celebration. They spent a while sitting down and chatting over the loud music, laughing at dumb jokes and taking the chance to fully relax. Every so often someone would go up to get a new drink and make the offer to the table, by the time 11:00pm rolled around Jake and Amy were three drinks in.

-

Amy felt like going up and dancing, any other situation and she probably would already be on the dance floor but she was sandwiched into the booth by Jake and Charles on one side, and Gina and Rosa on the other.

Rosa then got up to get another drink from the bar and offered to the table, of which Jake gladly accepted after pointing out Amy had finished her third drink. Jake didn’t let Amy hear what the next drink was going to be, opting to text Rosa the order instead and taking great joy in her eye roll.

-

Bi Besties

[11:05pm, Sunday]

El Baboso: 2 vodka cran El Baboso: 5 tequila shots

-

He handed her some cash to cover the cost and she was off through the bar, Gina following behind her to assist and get another drink for herself. Not long after Rosa and Gina left, Charles spotted Genevieve and all but ran away from them. Amy couldn’t blame him, and she wasn’t too mad about being left alone with Jake. She couldn’t help but nod along to the music while talking to Jake and was keen to down the next drink and have a dance, and Jake seemed to read her mind.

“Wanna dance after this drink?” He asked, leaning a little bit closer to her to ask.

“Definitely!” Amy responded with a smile, her heart thundering at Jake being close enough for her to smell his cologne.

A few minutes later Rosa and Gina returned with a tray of drinks, Amy’s eyes going wide at the line of shots.

“I did get one for Charles but he’s gone so who would care for a second?” Jake asked.

“Mine!” Gina yelled as she picked up two of the full shot glasses and placed them on the table in front of her, claiming her prize before anyone else did – although, there were no arguments from anyone else at her claim.

The four of them clinked the shot glasses together and downed them, Amy was able to hold back gagging but her face still screwed up in disgust.

“Sorry Ames, I had to do at least one shot” He laughed, and Amy joined in.

“That’s fine, it is your prize after all” She waved one hand in dismissal while the other picked up her drink to have a sip.

After the shots Gina had dragged Rosa to the dance floor so now it truly was just Jake and Amy left, and she couldn’t be happier. She loved all of her friends but anytime she got to spend time with Jake was a highlight of her day, and she wouldn’t rather ring in the new year with anyone else.

“C’mon, lets go dance!” Jake was already standing up and held out his hand for Amy to take.

She took some last quick sips of her drink before abandoning it, knowing she won’t be returning to it, then slid out of the booth and took Jake’s hand. He led them through groups of people to a clear spot on the dance floor, Amy stayed close and held his hand tight the whole time. She had expected him to let go once they had made it to the dance floor but he didn’t, instead holding their hands up in the air as an invitation for her to spin underneath. Once she had realised what his intentions were she spun, causing both of them to giggle. He still didn’t let go after that, and neither did Amy.

They continued to dance until suddenly there was an announcement over the speaker that it was nearing midnight, everyone had started to shuffle around and pile towards to the DJ booth to start the countdown. The screen behind the DJ booth then showed a large countdown clock – 30 second until midnight.

For the first time since getting up, Jake let go of Amy’s hand and her heart dropped slightly. But they both stood next to each other, sides pressing against one another as they looked at the big countdown clock. With 15 seconds left until midnight Amy grabbed Jake’s hand in a moment of confidence, happy he didn’t pull away.

Jake and Amy, along with the whole bar, counted down the final ten seconds until midnight. The place erupted in cheers as it hit midnight, cries of happy new year and confetti surrounded them. Couples littered across the bar were kissing, some a small peck and others taking the opportunity to start an intense make out session.

Amy looked at Jake as the clock struck, yelling out happy new year and wanting to be the one who kissed him but she couldn’t strike up the courage. She also didn’t want to kiss him for the first time in a crowded bar where her shoes stuck to the floor and they were surrounded by strangers.

So she compromised on giving him a hug, wrapping her arms around his neck and she could feel him hesitate for a moment before his arms made their way around her waist and pulled her against him tightly.

Amy could smell his cologne and shampoo, it was intoxicating and made her head spin for a moment as she indulged in taking a deep breath of him. Her back burned where his hands were placed, fingers splayed out and holding her against him.

Once the cheers started to die down and the music play loudly Amy pulled away, knowing she let the hug go one for too long but tucking away the knowledge that Jake didn’t pull away either. She slid her hands to his shoulders and pulled back to look at him directly, not realising how close their faces were until it was too late.

The two of them stood there for a few moments, the rest of the world melted away as Amy searched Jake’s face for... something. Jake was looking at her with an expression she couldn’t quite read, a look she hadn’t seen on him before. She thought she imagined it when she noticed Jake’s eyes flick down to look at her lips for just a moment.

“Happy new year, Jake” Her voice was laced with longing, speaking to be barely audible over all the background noise.

“Happy new year, Ames” He responded breathlessly, and Amy could only wonder as to why.

This time it was Jake who pulled back, stepping away from Amy and reducing all contact except for holding onto her hand once more and starting to dance. Amy easily followed along and fell in time with Jake and the music once more, acting as if their weirdly intimate moment hadn’t just happened.

Amy isn’t sure how long they spend dancing until her phone goes off, and she can tell it’s a group chat based on the face Jake makes at the same time she gets the notification.

-

Jimmy Jabbers

[01:42am, Monday]

RoRo: gina sitting on the sidewalk, we’re getting an uber back RoRo: whos in?

Mr Grapes: Don’t worry about me! Will be with Genevieve

RoRo: barf

Pineapples: count amy and i in Pineapples: heading out now

-

Both Amy and Jake had quickly checked their messages at the same time and nodded in agreement pretty quickly at the suggestion of going home, as much fun as Amy had been having, she was getting tired. The alcohol making her head feel heavy and her legs getting tired from the dancing.

Jake kept a hold on Amy’s hand as they pushed their way out of the bar, people becoming a lot less kind and considerate now that they’d had a good amount of time to drink too much. But much to Amy’s disappointment he dropped it as soon as they reached the door, but even Amy couldn’t rationalise there was much need for it once on the street.

After a quick look both ways they spotted Rosa and Gina a few feet away from the bar entry. Rosa leaning against a building scrolling on her phone, and Gina was sat on the ground with her legs crossed and back leaning against the same building as Rosa.

“Jake! Amy! You’re coming with us?” Gina asked happily upon seeing the two of them approach.

“Of course Geen!” Jake responded, immediately matching her energy, “what are you doin’ down there?” He asked standing in front of her.

“Well I’d blame you for the shots you ordered but it was probably the round after that” There was a slight slur to her words and Amy had to hold back a giggle.

“Ah, makes sense” He held out a hand intending to help her up off the ground but instead she slapped it, giving him a high five that made Jake laugh.

Amy leaned on the building next to Rosa, tilting her head back against it and closing her eyes for a few moments. She took the time to breathe in the cool fresh air after having been in the stuffy bar for a few hours.

The uber arrives a few minutes later and the four of them pile in. Jake sat in the passenger seat while Amy was sandwiched between Rosa and Gina in the backseat, the car ride back was relatively quiet, Jake made conversation with the driver while Gina struggled to keep her eyes open while leaning her head against the window. Amy is quiet as she picks at her nails, too many thoughts of Jake swirling around in her head, a head that was not sober enough to deal with it all properly.

They reached campus and climbed out of the car back into the cold, which was now unwelcome after having sat in a warm car long enough to get accustomed to the temperature. Amy shivered as she climbed out and the four of them began the walk to their dorms.

“I’m gonna make sure Gina gets back safe” Rosa said before grabbing Gina by the shoulders and pointing her in the direction of her building.

“Okay, keep us updated. Goodnight guys” Jake calls out as Rosa and Gina walk off together.

“Goodnight!” Amy quickly called out after Jake.

Gina yells back a giggly goodbye while Rosa just raises a hand over her shoulder in their direction, barely sparing them another glance. Amy and Jake continue their walk together in comfortable silence, although Amy can’t help but feel an unexplainable tension has settled over them now.

Amy can’t help but think about their moment at midnight, she wanted to kiss him like everyone else around them, but Jake just wasn’t that kind of guy. If he wanted to be with her, he would’ve made it obvious by now. The more she mulls over the situation, the more upset it makes her; wanting to be with a man who doesn’t want her back, it’s positively heartbreaking.

It isn’t much longer before they reach the spot her and Jake have to split up to go to their respective buildings and Amy can’t decide whether she’s sad to say goodbye to him or relieved to no longer have to be around him.

“So, uh, did you have fun tonight?” Jake asked nervously, shoving his hands into his pockets and shifting back and forth on his feet.

“I did yeah, more fun than I expected. Thanks to you- and everyone else” Amy had to quickly add the last section, feeling embarrassed at her near slip up.

“That’s good, I’m glad. Well um, I gotta go-“ He pointed over his shoulder with a thumb in the direction of his building.

“Yeah of course, me too” Amy nervously tucked her hair behind her ears, needing something to do with her hands.

There was a beat of silence that stretched on almost slightly too long to be comfortable before Jake finally spoke.

“Goodnight Ames” he said quietly, voice laced with sincerity.

“Goodnight Jake” Amy returned easily, as if saying goodnight to Jake is something she’s been doing her whole life – as easy as breathing.

He gave her a small smile before turning around and walking away from her, leaving Amy standing on the path for a few moments just watching him walk away with his hands in his pockets. Finally, a shiver going through her body prompted her to quickly move towards her building, ready to climb under three blankets and defrost.

When she finally reached her dorm upon closing the door she let out a long sigh, trying to process how the night had gone. She moved around the room getting ready for bed, taking off her makeup and putting on her pyjamas and thinking about how late it was.

As she climbed into bed she thought about hugging Jake at midnight, how she had spent most of the evening holding his hand and how she would do anything to be near his warmth again. She practically falls against her pillow, lying on her side staring at her nightstand with her phone sitting there silently.

In a moment of weakness – and perhaps exhaustion – she opens her phone, the screen bright in her dark room. She navigates to her and Jake’s messages and reads through some of them, staring at the last few messages they exchanged before they had left for the night out.

Reading his messages from earlier in the day, he said Amy looks good just as she is – and Amy would blame the alcohol on the tears shed at these simple words, her heart aching.

-

Jake is frustrated beyond belief, he feels like an idiot, like a scared idiot. Too cowardly to even tell a girl he likes her. But it’s not just a girl, its Amy – she’s everything.

When he slams his dorm door shut he feels a bit guilty about how the noise echoes, knowing he woke at least a few people up with the force. He rubs his hands over his face and groans in frustration, before walking over to his bed and kicking the leg of it with enough force to make him curse at the pain shooting up through his toe.

The pain subsides after a few minutes but he still doesn’t feel any better, he’s angry at himself and angry at the world for everything. He’s angry that he’s just had a fun night out with his closest friends and now hates himself.

He doesn’t know what to do, other than angrily get ready for bed, leaving his clothes strewn on the floor for future-Jake to deal with. He doesn’t know how he can even manage seeing Amy again, but he knows he won’t survive without her.

-

Dance Squad

[02:35pm, Monday]

G-Hive: 5 mins be ready

Scary: for what?

Charlese: Post-NYE briefing??

G-Hive: just be ready!

-

[02:40pm, Monday]

G-Hive started an audio call Charlese joined the audio call Scary joined the audio call

Gina: Okay bitches, lets discuss

Charles: I barely saw you guys after I found Genevieve – she’s here by the way, filled her in on all the deets

Gina: Perfect, so we saw them a few times after you left

Rosa: They didn’t kiss, end of discussion. Can I go now?

Gina: What do you mean they didn’t kiss! Rosa you’re ruining the fun of this

Rosa: Oh no, I’m heartbroken

Gina: The sarcasm is not appreciated

Charles: So they didn’t kiss, how do you know this for sure?

Rosa: Fiiiiine. I know they didn’t kiss because the four of us took an uber together back to campus and believe me, they were not acting like two people who had kissed each other

Gina: Goddamn it! When did Jake become such a loser

Charles: I think that’s a bit far-

Gina: No it isn’t! Rosa, how do you even know for sure? What if they kissed but then felt awkward because Amy is awkward?

Charles: That’s a strong possibility, they’re my friends but I wouldn’t put it past them to make it awkward

Rosa: They just need to bone and get it over with

Gina: No sense of romance as per usual. Well we can find out whether or not they kissed

Charles: By asking them? Won’t that make them feel weird

Gina: No Charles, its very easy – we just ask one of them, probably Jake, whether he and Amy have spoken today

Rosa: That’s actually not a bad idea to get an answer

Gina: Rosa approved method!

Charles: Alright then, who’s gonna do it?

Rosa: Not it

Gina: I’ll do it and get back to you- actually stay on call, Charles I can update you about Sasha while we wait for Jake to answer

Charles: Oh absolutely!

-

DDC

[02:50pm, Monday]

G: have u talked to amy today??

Jacob: yeah why??

G: no reason

-

Charles: -why she wouldn’t just tell Matt is so weird-

Gina: Jake responded! He has talked to her today

Rosa: Firstly, Sasha needs to get her shit together, seriously. Secondly, that means Jake and Amy didn’t kiss. For the love of god can I go now?

Gina: Yes yes, bye Rosa

Charles: Bye Rosa!

Gina: Sasha’s honestly losing it-

-

Jimmy Jabbers

[03:36pm, Tuesday]

Four Eyes: Everyone ready for classes tomorrow?

Pineapples: i was trying to enjoy the last of my no class time :(

Four Eyes: It’s important to be prepared!

RoRo: i’m always ready for anything

Queen G: ill be winging it as per usual Queen G: and ill be slaying it as per usual

Four Eyes: Look on the bright side, we’re halfway now Four Eyes: Almost there!

Pineapples: still got the whole second half tho

Four Eyes: You’re gonna be fine, as long as you keep the momentum from last semester

Pineapples: idk ames Pineapples: holidays changed me

Four Eyes: Uh huh I’m sure they did

-

Dance Squad

[03:42pm, Tuesday]

G-Hive: god can they get a room G-Hive: im gonna barf

Scary: not even two days ago you were trying to hook them up

G-Hive: and i stand by that G-Hive: i just dont want them being gross in the gc

Charlese: I think it’s cute!

Scary: gross

G-Hive: gross

Chap 1 | Chap 2 | Chap 3 | Chap 4 | Chap 5 | Chap 6 | Chap 7 | Chap 8 | Chap 9 | Chap 10

authors note: As always thank you so much for reading and I hope you enjoyed this chapter! Your kudos and comments keep me going and motivated so thanks to everyone who's given kudos and commented, i love you all <3 I'll have the next chap out as soon as I can but as usual no promises since christmas is coming up and i've got many plans on (unfortunately), but i'll try my hardest!

[kaddyssammlung]

BPD / C-PTSD / bad relationship dynamics in Sleep Token lyrics - Part 4 (last part)

TW: mental health stuff

Part 1 Part 2 Part 3

Granite

“Sulfur on your breath Granite in my chest”

I said something about sharing unhealthy coping mechanisms with your partner. It's not good. Alcohol on my breath and the smell of weed on his.

“You won't ever have to talk about it you'll never wanna talk about it”

It makes me think about trust and how much I'm able to really trust someone. What clues does someone give you that makes you trust them?

Last summer when that women started writing me messages because she wanted to get to know me, I thought about how much I should tell her. She wanted to know why I've single for such a long time. So I started my saying that I've struggled with addiction for a long time and that it was really hard to stop this. She said that she liked that I was honest. Well.....we talked more and then at some point I said that I have BPD and that I'm currently going through a rough time and that I feel unable to be in relationship. Right human being but the wrong time? Maybe?! She also opened up about her struggles with panic attacks.

Was it too much? Did I tell her too much?

I feel like when someone has a romantic interest in someone they deserve to know. Right?!

I used to not bring that stuff up and just go on dates and be nice and then end up sleeping with someone. That did not go well either.

Idk....I have no real point...

“Fury too damn late”

Now I'm angry about the relationship that I had with my boyfriend. About the manipulation and the things that he made me do but never wanted. And also the way that I acted. His behaviours were not okay but neither were mine.

“You say you want me, but you know I'm not what you need”

When I think back about the time where I had that boyfriend, he was for sure, not what I needed. I needed help. But I was not ready for it.

“We'd rather be six feet under then be lonely”

That's the reason why I kept ending up with horrible human beings. Because I used to feel exactly like that.

Vessel, I feel you. You deserve better then that and so do I.

I could just say so much about this one line. This is the essence of BPD to me.

But I already said so much...

“before you started getting all aggressive and controlling”

I know. Okay...stop calling me out like that!

Aqua Regia

“Putting down the roses picking up the sword”

It took me so damn long to find a will to live and also to find a willingness to change. You don't get better unless you really, really, really want to and even then it's hard. It was very hard for me.

Vore

“You have become the voice in my head”

All of them are the voice in my head.

My mother screaming at me and throwing things at me.....the gentle brainwashing that was done by the one who sa-ed me.....the eating disorder that still wants me to come back, the warm feeling that alcohol gave me, the stinging pain from SH.....Let's stop this...I'm drifting off....

“My life is torn my bones they bleed”

Through a fractured existence...

Abuse leaves you feeling like this. But so does dissociation......

Ascensionism

“Who made you like this? Who encrypted your dark gospel in body language?”

Idk...they say BPD has something to do with early abandonment so maybe that's the reason?

“Tell me you guessed my future and it mapped onto your fantasy”

That happened with my ex-girlfriend. I was already feeling a bit better and getter better and I could totally see what our relationship would be like.

It did not go well. I was wrong. I learned from it.

Are You Really Okay?

“I cannot fix our wounds this time”

Can you ever?!

Should you be with someone and be there to fix their wounds? I don't expect this anymore. I used to think like that but it did not work out well. I had to “fix” myself first.

The Apparition

“But I know you will disappear”

You make me wish I could disappear...

Vessel...they all do at some point but I guess that's life?!

Why even put yourself out there? Why put myself out there and get hurt again?

Do You Wish That You Loved Me?

“maybe not that you conceal your feelings they just don't exist”

You don't really love...you just hate to be alone!

“chronic feelings of emptiness” ….taken from the DSM 5....

Rain

“I finally think I can say that the vicious cycle was over the moment you smiled at me”

A knowing, a longing, a lost connection to something deeper. Something outside of me....

I recognized that when I started listening to spiritual teachers and slowly let something back into my life.

“A dangerous disposition”

We tend to end up in prison. I can see why that is...that rage...dear God.

My dear humans...I'm going to stop here for now.

Idk when I will pick this back up.

I do see so much more in those lyrics.

“The divine” as he calls it or spirituality as I like to call it, the similarities between Carl Jung's encounters with entities and what it did to him....a lot like Vessel.....depression is also a big topic....

But right now: I'm done.

That was exhausting. BPD got me...I did not see that coming.

[nymphfette]

btw- I’ve been doing better with my health 💖 autoimmune issues/thyroid issues and pcos all made extremely worse by stress- ptsd and also the other way around. Just a vicious cycle I was in. Still am in but have made a lot of progress since I was first dealing with absolute daily hell that started about a year or so ago.

Oh and I was also diagnosed with agoraphobia. Ive had PTSD for a few years now but the recent health issues obviously made it worse and so I developed agoraphobia :))))) it got so bad, I would barely leave my house (my safe safe) for longer than an HOUR at time, once a day. Couldn’t be on a car ride for longer than 10 minutes without freaking out, hyperventilating, heart beating out of my chest, sweating my ass off and sometimes puking my guts out. I was terrified to get in a car and if I had to go somewhere that I knew was a long car ride (10 mins or more) id have such a hard time. And there were times were I’d be doing alright on a longer ride, like 30 mins and I’d think I was like 20 mins in and there was only 10 more minutes I had to go and I’d look at google maps and see there was 15 minutes instead of 10 minutes…..I’d genuinely lose it. Over 5 extra minutes. Genuinely freak out. It was hell. It was no way to live.

I still am struggling with it but I’ve been trying really hard to get better. Health wise- I have a lot of it under control. I barely have flare up attacks anymore. My hypothyroidism is in check. My pcos symptoms are still a bit haywire but I’m working on that, the priority was the autoimmune and thyroid and the just constant inflammation all over. Everywhere. My wbc is only about 1000 over normal right now which is Iike nothing compared to what it was and is a huge improvement. Medications and supplements I’m on have been a big help along with the autoimmune protocol diet- it’s a VERY strict diet and I did it for a few months and once it helped get things in check, I was able to slowly introduce a more “normal” diet into my life but still keeping away from gluten and added sugars, too much starch and too much dairy.

So yeah my health health has gotten a lot better and I’ll continue to work on it keep it that way. My mental health is better as well- like, now I can go out for like 3 hours a day without losing my mind and can do like 30 minute car rides before I start to have bad panic attacks and agoraphobia attacks. I know that still sounds bad but compared to what it was…… barely could do 10 mins…. 5 mins being the preferred… it’s a huge improvement. Still have bad PTSD/Agoraphobia attacks here and there and My autistic burnout and sensory issues and then like general anxiety is still very high but again, it has been improved and I’m continuing to work on it.

I’ve been given the okay to go back to work but work from home job like I’ve done before. I can’t work outside my home right now without putting all the exposure therapy and DBT and work and etc etc at risk, I’m not ready for that yet, and I agree with my dr. That will come in time.

SO, the past month I’ve been looking for remote/work from home positions and man, I’ve been having a rough time, and before had health issues and stuff and was off work and stuff a year or so ago, I had lots and lots of experience and my resume for the telehealth and benefits customer support field is great. I know I’m a great candidate, have great references and I never ever had an issue finding a job before, let alone getting an interview. I know the past few months I’ve been hearing ppl in my country Canada especially talk about how hard it is to get a job right now and man, they weren’t kidding were they?

It sucks I have a limit on what I can do right now…..and I really want to get back to work not only to help myself and get back into a normal life and routine but also bc financially, the income I receive through disability literally covers my BASE BASE BASE needs and that’s it, and I mean that’s fucking it. Of course im thankful I have that bc when I was waiting for it when I first got really sick, that was not easy. That was hell but it would be nice to have a LITTLE bit of pocket money to be able to buy a couple things for myself now and then, you know? I can’t even get my skincare products for my skincare routine I’ve had for years and years anymore :((( & they weren’t crazy expensive products lmao. All of the products in the routine probably totalled like hmm MAX $80 and I’d only need to replace them like every 3 months??? So yeah lol. & also, it’s fall now and I need a new fall coat and I can’t even go to the thrift store and get like a $30 peacoat (which is what I want lol- I love my peacoats) SO YEAH, I WANT A JOB AGAIN!!! & working in the contact center field for telehealth or benefits, was a decent job. Perfectly suited to my needs and even more so now, so yeah- I hope I’ll be hearing back from someone soon!!!

[heyharoldsboo]

Hey everyone, Im gonna assume mama duckling has been getting some very depressive asks lately. Where is Percy, why is Percy not posting, we need to see Percy?!

I understand all of you so much. He has remained silent and as we have discussed many times why, that was the right choice. But I know probably everyone would like a bigger sign of life and would like for him to go out there and pretend like nothing happened. I too think its time for him to "rip off the bandaid" as we speak and face the music. But the truth is that no matter what we believe, what matters is what he feels.

Let me put it into a list for everyone to see. This boy has : been the victim of an online smear campaign, got called a rapist a pedo and a groomer when we all not know he is not one, got made fun of for his appearance. Nude pictures from when he was a legit child, 13 years old, leaked and were shared online and people made fun of his body... he became a victim of sexual abuse himself, do you all realize how messed up that is? people (in the hundreds probably) send him message to kill myself, how his mother should have aborted him and how he is a waste of space and should die. His entire social media likes and history got microanalyzed, so many things he has said or done got twisted into horrible things. His friends and family got harassed. There were petitions to get him fired. Did I miss something? I missed a lot I'm sure.

It has been 3 months, thats it!!!! Some people need a lifetime of therapy to get over what I just listed. Think about it, how would you feel if it happened to you? Would you be ready to face the world so soon? From experience, he has had it rough mental heath wise, no way around it! But slowly, it gets better. What he needs now is support from his fans, friends and patience. GIVE HIM TIME! wtv time he needs. Please dont loose hope and dont be negative. The wait will be worth it, I am sure of it.

And as for duck mom, please don't flood her asks anymore with negativity. Send in positive messages. Im sure she has her own life, work, family, problems to deal with. She's human like all of us! But she's still here supporting Percy whenever and however she can, probably more than any of us do. So be kind to her please, she has done so much! Stop with the gloomy depressive asks and also the asks about Percy's personal stuff. I think its pretty obvious none of his defenders are in the business of spilling his personal info that they most probably don't even know.

be kind and positive everyone please! This will be over at one point and there are many great days ahead! trust that please!

And thanks Ana for all you do xox

Percy is who is important in this story. How he is feeling and how we can better support him. Not us.

We all miss him like crazy because he CHOSE to share his life with us before.

Let’s celebrate him. Show him the love. It’s what I have been trying to do.

And yeah, I’m not in the business of spilling his info. I have shown this day after day here, that if somehow I have information, it won’t leave my hands. It’s a promise I make to everyone who comes to my inbox messages, to every anon that asks me not to share. And it wouldn’t be different with Percy.

So yeah. Thank you duckling. Truly, thank you for your words.

[whatimdoing-here]

weird personal update under cut, mostly for those who've been around awhile. i guess i can put an intro too.

honestly there are so many new followers here i'm assuming for gif reasons but... like.. sorry guys. it's a fairly rare thing. others do them better and quicker than me for the most part. my poor 7 year old laptop i make them on is a struggle. new person intro to me below, but first let me get to the part where i journal so it's off my chest.

i use tumblr as a journal of sorts. and honestly it's thanks to tumblr in general i started questioning my sexuality when i was in my mid 20s. living in a very white, conservative state - even if you live in a liberal family, that shit just gets ingrained. i was never homophobic or anything, just didn't consider anything other than straight an option. long story short, figured the bi was the best label for me at that time, definitely made me feel better, and more like myself. my partner (husband) was like yeah that's cool all good i support you let me know if you need anything from me and it's been great since.

another... long-ish story in a shorter form... i started struggling the last year or two with all of it again. just feelings and s.x feelings and whatever, a big reason of why i started therapy. basically come to the decision i land on the ace spectrum somewhere. i know much less about being asexual, and it definitely doesn't feel as "good" coming to this realization. i think i probably fall close to the demi- label. but labels and feelings are hard. and since 1) i'm pretty uneducated and 2) no one wants to hear about my sx life, i'm not going to go into things. i just wanted to throw out there that... i'm still figuring shit out. this convo with m was a lot harder, went a lot worse. then there was a better second convo. he's still supportive, it's just harder for reasons that are personal to him so i won't delve into. our relationship is okay, he doesn't want to open our marriage, and not much has changed honestly. i'm still trying to figure out my boundaries, and where my 'am i doing this because i want to or feel like i have to' lines are. it's... not fun. adding to that that if things ever came to the point where our marriage wouldn't work... that completely changes not only my life in a large way, but the kids, and m's. that is the fuckin scariest thing. sexuality discovery would be way less scary if i wasn't scared it will eventually negatively affect people in my life. i'm very much a "i will accept this thing that's not great for me and be quiet to keep the calm and happiness of those around me" in most cases. i don't like taking up space for myself. it's been a rough couple months.

anyway if i had to label i'd go with biromantic, asexual (with some ace labels i may or may not ever figure out)

getting older is a fuckin trip. you think you should know what you want and who you are but no one really knows. and life changes us and we discover more about who we are. for those newbies that are not even 20... your 20s and 30s are great. just... be prepared to shift and change and evolve and be okay with that.

anyway. new folks. i'm alex. i live in the middle of the us. i have two kids (boys, 8 and 5) that... i've been on tumblr longer than either of them have been alive. i work from home in (broadly) a data role within a corporation. i enjoy my work, its flexibility, and just data in general. give me numbers. i've been married for 14 years this june, and i'll be 34 in july.

i watch nwsl and uswnt for sports mostly. working on reading more novels again. obviously my tv obsessions are clear within minutes of looking at my blog. i talk parent stuff too sometimes, it's obviously a big part of who i am, but i'll leave their names and pics off the blog for their safety. i'll show my stupid face here though. sometimes i'll talk about seizures (i have them occasionally, unfortunately, and my brain isn't feeling great right now) and other medical stuff if it's bothering me because this place really is like a journal release for me. i hold some stuff back but yeah. i'll tag with 'personal nonsense' if you want to mute. sometimes i post and delete because i read it again later and decide no one needs to read that shit.

you're always welcome to say hi. i'm fairly harmless, but also keep walls up until i know you better.

uhhh i think that's it. mmmbye

[blubushie]

GUYS LISTEN TO ME JUST HEAR ME OUT OK

HES LITERALLY A FUCKING HITMAN. LIKE NO CAP. LET ME EXPLAIN.

HE KILLED SOME GUY YEARS AGO IN AN ACCIDENT OR SOMETHING. PROBABLY STABBED HIM AND NOW HES GOT A KNIFE AND BLOOD KINK BECAUSE HE WAS COVERED IN SOME GUYS BLOOD. HE PROBABLY DOES THAT THING YOU SEE IN MOVIES WHERE HITMEN FACE THE SHOWER HEAD AND HANG THEIR HEAD LOW AND THINK ABOUT THEIR LIFE CHOICES. THATS WHY HE DOEST FUCKING SHOWER AND JUST BATHES IN RIVERS AND SHIT.

IT GETS BETTER.

HE LIKES IT. HE LIKES HUNTING PEOPLE. HE STARTED DOING IT FOR MONEY. THE COPS CAUGHT ONTO HIM SO HE WENT BACK TO AUSTRALIA SO THEYD GET OFF HIS TAIL. WHY ELSE WOULD HE RANDOMLY LEAVE HIGH SCHOOL? HES ON THE LAM. HE STILL TAKES JOBS AND HE LIVES IN THE OUTBACK SO THE COPS WONT FIND HIM. HE GOT MISTY AS A GUARD DOG BECAUSE HE PROBABLY HAD A JOB GO WRONG AND NOW PEOPLE WANT HIM DEAD.

HIS PARENTS KNOW AND THATS WHY THEY DISOWNED HIM. HE WEARS A HAT AND SUNGLASSES ALL THE TIME SO NO ONE RECOGNIZES HIS FACE. HE DOESNT STAY AFTER HE HAS SEX IN CASE THEY REMEMBER HIS FACE AND TURN HIM IN.

HE KNOWS ABOUT GUNS AND SHIT BECAUSE HES A FUCKING HITMAN. HE KNOWS ABOUT HOW SNIPERS OPERATE BECAUSE HES A FUCKING SNIPER HITMAN. HE KNOWS ABOUT ALL THAT STUFF ABOUT APRICOTS BECAUSE HES A HITMAN.

THINK ABOUT IT.

"Sometimes I do have specific targets. Sometimes I take bounties." "I've been involved with some rough crowds. I'm damaged as a human being. I've done some bad things to survive. I've done bad things because I wanted to." "How do I look into my father's eyes and expect him not to see the person I've become? How do I hold my mother's hands and expect her not to see the blood on mine?" "I have to sleep with a knife. Usually it's one. If I've had a rough day it becomes two or more." "I can't sleep unless I have my back to something. I always have to face the door, see the door, when I'm in a building. I'm left-handed, so my left hand is always empty. I carry four knives on me at all times, or five if I'm in the bush and you count a machete." "'You have PTSD symptoms on par with a veteran who's seen combat,' she said." "I'm more than the weapon I've made myself to be." "I think I lost my humanity a long time ago."

hes literally fucking hitman

I desperately want to respond to this but I'm holding my tongue.

[imposssiblepossible]

2022 is a highlighted year...

For me...

Yeah, I was newly single for nearly two years and it was rough, but at the same time, the biggest blessing. I managed to find my happiness and self worth again. I was able to reflected on the past with a clear mind and better perspective, which made me realized I did errors along the way, but made the right decisions. I do not miss any of anxiety that was built within me. I often wondered what the future has stored for me.

2022 happened.

I met a guy short after New Year. He was a gentleman and a fun one, but took me awhile to fall for him. He remained patient and kind while I was unsure about him. I had my heart broken badly and been wary of him. Thankfully, he kept dating me. Then, one night I got to see him in a different perspective. I was in love. He had shown me how a man should truly treat a woman he seeks. When someone see a future in you, he or she will not waste your time. Trust me, you’ll know. Communication is a key too. We both talked a lot of stuff before getting serious. I saw my confidence grow. He asked me to be his girlfriend, I said no, but yes later when he asked again. “You’ll be a fool to let this one go.” I’ve told myself. I knew it because he is a remarkable man.

This man, unknown to me, was the one meant for me in the beginning. This man got on his knee and proposed to me on my 30th birthday back in October. I was shocked, since I had a hunch he would pop a question somewhere in December. He did take me by surprise and that was the whole plan. It was perfect! Out on the hill with a lake beyond us and the sun setting... It was perfect. I said yes!

I knew after saying yes would change my life and his. Looking back, I knew I’ve waited for so long to have someone to love me back unconditional and doesn't leave me second guess where I stand with him. I didn't have to prove him anything. I also had a timeline with length of relationship before getting engaged, but after meeting my fiancé, I threw that timeline out the window. I pretty much knew later down the road that this is the man I’d want to grow old with. The relationship itself was a smooth sailing and I couldn’t be more thankful. Yes, life is great. The wedding is only few months away and I got half of stuff done. Just more like sitting and discuss ideas with vendors. But, I am so excited!

2020 was rough and heartbreaking. 2021 was a discovery and healing, and 2022 is a fresh new start. As for 2023, that year shall be a grand adventure!

[mintyvoid]

a somewhat review / ramble about garfield 2008 game

so if you're not in the same sections of yt as myself you may not be familiar with the guy- planet clue (or evan), who I quite like, am inspired by at times, and slightly jealous(as im jealous of anyone who is able to do things they enjoy and finish projects). Recently he uploaded a video about the 2008 Garfield game ALONGSIDE a mod he made to better the experience of playing the old thing.

please watch, he always does a really good job at going juuust enough in depth to sate most curiosity- while also leaving stuff out and making you want to engage in whatever he's talking about. He's always super passionate about whatever it is, and it's really inspiring.

ANYWAYS. So of course I had to try the game out.

For a quick look see into my brain, I play just about any game that catches my interest- which isn't really bound by genre or mechanic. There are some exceptions, like fps or horror or sports. Despite this I still engage with these in other ways likes reviews or gameplay videos. In general I think as a (i dunno if i can really call myself a game designer despite going to school for it, i havent really done much after graduating thanks to depression and having that fun autistic life decline after losing structure)- it's good to have knowledge or experience of as many unique things as possible.

ANYWAYSANYWAYS. I also really liked the idea of the game.

For a short synops if you didn't watch the video or forget; you play as garfield, and odie just fucking wrecked the house. You need to fix this using a vacuum to grab items and put them back where they belong, as well as right skewed frames/posters on the walls. It's a really clever and grounded premise for the garfield world. Games that take place is a kinda mundane or simple world tend to either go really hard into a fantastical premise/mechanics or just do a puzzle game lol. So it's really refreshing to see a really solid idea that to the right people IS really engaging.

I am one of those people.

I LOVE organizing, putting puzzles together, doing the fun sorting for no reason.

Now I won't sugar coat it, the game is fucking rough around the edges. It is veryyyy much a product of its time and a licensed game. The controls are a clunky and take a bit to get used to, the use of the vacuum as well doesn't always 'just work'.

The main character controller is overall a bit sluggish, I was surprised that it doesn't just snap and change your direction when you go. Lining yourself up properly can take a few taps or needing to do like a full rotation. Most of the time this is fine, there are a few instances where there's an item to place/grab that's on a shelf where it becomes a fun game of trying to rotate the character lol.

There was also the fun realization that the vacuum uses two buttons, one for sucking and one for spitting. There are no tutorials in the game, which I imagine was fine at the time since the instruction manual most likely provided all this information. And really I probably should've looked it up, but it also would've been nice to have a pdf or something already in the files or even just the controls in a txt.

Speaking of controls, there is also a kick button. I didn't use this for the entirety of my playthrough lol. I think you can use it to kick Odie aside, he will charge you and knock into you in a quick stunned state, but it seemed really hard to pull off. For the most part I could just avoid him or just let him do his thing lol.

Along side this obstacle, are some light platforming puzzles- that use the items you relocate. Honestly I'm just super impressed by how everything ties together, sure the game is kinda shit, but it makes up for it with so charm and hella good cohesion. Literally nothing feels out of place. Even the few side missions you have to do (a vacuum themed one, a race, and a flower hunt) don't feel out of place. Thought to be honest none of them are particularly /fun/ either.

The game also has a time limit? When you start there is a timer counting down from 8 hours and you must finish everything by then. Do not be alarmed, this is extremely way too much time. By the time I finished(which i technically haven't done but I'll get there..) I had about 5 hours still left. The timer directly relates to the plot, the total destruction of the house is prefaced with John threatening Garfield with making him diet after he ate his lasagna(that was such a hard word to type holy shit) and scratched up some things. John saying that if he finds another thing ruined by the /time he comes back at 5pm/ the dieting will commence.

..5pm.... 8 hours?

Oh my god John left for his 9-5! The 8 hours directly means a full day passing. This is probably so small and most likely barely thought of, but the fact that to me it's so logical makes it just soooooooooo good. Another thing perfectly tying the whole thing together.

Okay but what about the actual game? It's not a simple free for all, you don't get access to the full house right away. There are also other artificial barriers created by the playing only being able to hold 3 items at a time. If you want to collect more you need to deposit some into a storage box which there are a few of, but they're not connected- so I just kept using the same one in the main hallway the entire time.

It's a lot of going back and forth between rooms and between them and the box.

You unlock the other rooms by completing the ones you have access too, It's a pretty obvious way to handle the progression and one that is handled well.

There were a handful of times though, that I got completely stuck. Often it was because of the camera and missing items that were tucked away in such a way that required wrestling with the camera in order to get the item in view. Though you don't actually need the item in view to suck/spit it out, as a first time player it made for quite frustrating moments. The camera often doesn't want to sit where you get it too. It feels like it was made for more open areas than it was programmed too and doesn't want to get closer to the player character. I think almost all the places where I missed something and couldn't find it till I watched a speedrun of it, were all small ish areas where getting the camera to actually see it was a struggle.

I was also really surprised that the cameras horizontal isn't inverted. I don't know if this was a change made by the mod, or if 2008 was already in the time where this change happened in the industry. I thought it happened around 2010. I'm curious to see if the ps2 version of the game had inverse. I'm someone who actually likes an inverted horizontal axis, so it took a bit to get used to and in general was a interesting brain thought to me.

A thing that I actually feel different about with evan is I actually /like/ the music. His mod replaced the music with some lesser known nintendo tunes, but I wanted to have the authentic experience- just to know.

And while initially the game sounds like a dumpster fire, I grew to enjoy it. It all sounds..fine. None of it is extremely bad, but none of it is any good either. It's all feels like royalty free stuff with like a hint of Sims music thrown in there. They're all earworms and kinda live rent free in my head now, seriously just the 'menu' music which is also the main first floor music is so stupid sounding(affectionate). I think my favourite is the upstairs theme, it's a bit more mellow, while still having aspects of frantic-ness to it. Cause ya know, need to clean before John gets home.

So I know I said I finished the game..and also said that I haven't actually. There is SOMETHING in the house that needs to be readjusted I think, I'm pretty sure I've completed all the rooms and the lasagna is done too (though it uh...the model reverted back to its empty version, it's kinda funny looking at all the items around it and it being empty again..i dunno if this is a major issue or not)...but what I assume is a final cutscene has not played. I most likely will need to rewatch a sr to finally finish the game.

Overall though, I would recommend the game if it sounds like something you'd be into. It is a fun experience, even with it's clunkyness. And the work Evan has done is really awesome.

If i wasn't in such a deep funk there's a lot of cool things that could be done with the game and it's ideas. There are already tools to export the models, so i imagine updating or just goofing around with the textures would be possible and probably fun to do. Or even going further and just remaking the mechanics to make something new with the ideas..or going crazier and remaking the whole game in like unity to better various things like the controller lol

i've always wanted to get into modding and weird game stuff, but always fall short in getting myself to -actually do the thing- *sighs* maybe when the funk ends..

but i digress, HERE is the link

[growandrecover]

Idk if you're still active in this account but anyway. I was in quasi-recovery since Feb 2022 and I started real recovery and being committed in Feb/March 2023. I gained 3 pant sizes since then, and I stabilized in that weight months ago. I think I kinda plateaud. The thing is, I don't really trust continuing to eat what I want and as much as my body asks (the cravings and the extreme hunger have lowered a lot but I still feel like I'm eating too much and too many cravings for "bad food") I just feel like I'll keep gaining if I don't have any control over that. I also do moderate movement, like walking, dancing and some yoga/stretching when I feel like it and when I need a break for my mental health, but I don't do it everyday nor am I super consistent because burnout from a really stressful, busy and traumatic year leaves me tired and I just want to rest. I feel like I won't stop, like I haven't plateaud and I will continue to gain.

I've always had wide hips, really big thighs and big arms so it's already kinda tricky finding some clothes in shops. I'm scared of not being able to fit in airplane sits, that I will just have a worse life due to gaining more weight, because no amount of self-acceptance denies that you're treated less like a human depending on how big you are. I feel way better since I started recovery but societal fatphobia and my fear of gaining weight make me anxious and scared. I also fear I will never find love. I'm learning to love myself and I don't base my self-worth on a romantic partner, but I still want to experience genuine love in which someone actually loves my body, and that my body won't be an impediment to have a partner (i'm bi). I'm also desperate everyday to know if I'll lose overshoot, I hope so but I fear it won't happen. I have made a lot of progress with food but I fear it will be hijacked due to these problems. I feel like my body works against me. I just want to be normal, and I feel like I'll never be if I gain more.

I know this is a lot but I'm desperate and I've had an extremely rough year, I really don't have anyone to talk about this. I hope you have some advice. Thanks for reading me ❤️

Hi, anon.

Let me start off by saying how proud I am of you. Not only for being in recovery, but for being aware enough of your body's tolerance levels and being able to limit your exercise. That's so amazing, I'm really happy for you.

About your weight gain, I'd say that since you've plateaued, you should be able to continue eating what you've been eating. If your body is craving certain things, it's probably trying to tell you that you're not getting enough of whatever it is. Craving "bad foods" (there's also no such thing as good and bad foods, they all nourish your body and keep you going, but I get your point) might mean that you're missing certain things like fats, salt, sugar, etc.

As for the clothing, lots of things in stores aren't designed for some body types. I've always had a hard time with jeans, even before my ed. My size would fit me in the thighs, but be too big everywhere else. It's really all dependent on the designer. If you can, try not to let that get you down. Maybe you could google some brands that work for other people with your body type, and try those out and see if they fit you better.

Gaining weight is a huge fear factor in the recovery process, and your fears are completely valid. Unfortunately, you're right. People do treat people differently based on how they look. But you know what? People that are worth your time, love, and attention won't care about what you look like, or what size you are (the sizing is all a joke anyways). I know that sometimes stuff like that is hard to take because your initial reaction may be, "Yeah, right. That does nothing for me.", but it's true. I've been lucky enough to have people in my life that don't judge me based on my body or appearance, but lots of people don't share that. You will find a partner who will love every single inch of your body, and won't care if it changes. I've felt the exact same way (and sometimes I still do), but I can guarantee you that the perfect person will come along and adore you for you.

Also, the people who go along with societal pressures, like judging others for who they are, and what they look like, are most likely insecure themselves. Seeing people be who they are, and not ashamed of themselves makes some people angry. You have no control over that. If some people don't accept you for your body, that's okay. Sometimes I think about all the people I've seen be body shamed online. People will dislike you for anything. They'll hate you for being too thin, too "average", or too big. There's quite literally no winning here. If you try to care a little bit less about how others perceive your body, you'll be much happier, I promise.

A big turning point for me was realizing that no matter what size I was, pre-ed, during my ed, and during the first part of recovery, I didn't like the way I looked. So I might as well pick the choice that let me live with as little food restrictions as possible, right?

You *have* made a lot of progress with food, and you should be proud of that. The things that you're doing aren't hijacking your accomplishments. Recovery isn't linear. You're going to have bad times with your body and food, but you've still made wonderful achievements. And you *are* normal. Your size doesn't determine who you are. It can feel like it, for sure. But as an outside party, you're normal. Your mind is telling you you're not, and society may be as well. But as another person with an ed, as another human, you're normal, and you're perfect just the way you are.

I really hope this helps, and best of luck to you in your recovery. You're doing beautifully.

If you need someone to talk to, you can message me if you'd like, anon. <3 Or if you'd rather stay anonymous, you can just send more asks if that works better for you!!

[ghostlytalkin]

Really upset that I have to log into this account after leaving it and saying I was going to take a step back from rpt world due to how toxic I got myself swept into things. But I'm having people message me on my discord about things being said.

First and foremost, I have distanced myself from those I considered core friends, being that I know I caused hurt and they deserve the distance from me, so I made that possible. I have backed away from my friendships, and we're not talking right now. I dont know if I'll be ready to talk to them for a long time because I have felt ashamed for things. I devalued our friendships and I backed away to give us all space.

Blaming them for MY actions is wrong because I am the only one to blame. They all tried talking to me about their concerns and I ignored them and I know I did. I got too obsessed in people wanting to bring me stuff and it was unhealthy. And worse i let myself become a person i shouldn't have been. I can acknowledge that people have issues with me and I fucked up royally. I am a constant work in progress. It's a topic with my therapist, psychiatrist, and group therapy that I do and am working on.

I joined one group with the idea of my therapist to see if I feel comfortable reaching out and trying to feel normal. Rping has been a big part of my life since middle school and it felt not writing woth others. I don't feel comfortable but i was trying to make an effort and I and currently struggling. I didn't know people I distanced myself from joined and I have kept my space from them. I used an fc I didn't do research about and I apologize for that. I usually try to do better but I just didn't put in the effort to actually do research. But I do apologize, that wasn't right of me and I changed the fc as soon as another friend that won't let me cut them off brought it up to me when we were getting lunch together. It still was not okay for me and I should have done better research.

For people saying I'm joining groups you're wrong. I've joined a group. Yes I've been active in the rphhelp server as of late, but I've even gone silent there recently because hearing that whatever I do is sent to Syd feels rough and it has set my ptsd and paranoia regarding my last stalker off. Again, something I'm working on with my therapist and something we talk about in group therapy.

I acknowledge that I've fucked up in the past, I have mainly been keeping to myself trying to work on things. I thought my therapist's suggestion of joining a single group was good. Some people have reached out and talked to me about issues they've had with me and I've taken what they said to heart. I literally do not know everything that I'm being accused of and it's hard to ask when people don't reach out to you to say what they found you doing to be fucked up or caused hurt. But I'm trying with some of the info I was given. I'll still be working on things because I need that step by step plan.

I understand I fucked up, but please, if you have an issue with me let it just be with me. I don't want anybody else dragged down or had themselves tossed through the mud because people have issues with me as a person. Send me threats, tell me how awful I am, fuck anon is on this blog, send it here. Message me on discord. I've been away from discord the last few days but I will log in just if people want to talk and tell me what issues they have. It doesn't even have to be their main account he could be a disposable one. But please, keep your issues with me just with me. That's literally all I ask, I don't want the people I use to be close to thrown around because I'm the one you want to watch burn.

I haven't been looking at the tumblr, haven't messaged anybody, haven't done much except get some information of graphics and read updates about Palestinian. I honestly feel gross logging into this account just to post this that will be torn apart and picked at.

My discord is emptylittlemind. I changed it from cupcakemon for the literal reason of my stalker trying to get ahold me me via discord again. But you can message me on there, you can message this blog, whatever. I literally am just asking that if you have issues with me to not drag whoever you think I'm friends with through the mud thinking it will help drag me further. I'm barely talking to people, maybe two I know that rp, and that's it. I have been trying to keep space.

I know I have caused issues, and I cannot express how sorry I am. I know I have fucked up over and over and never acknowledged things. But I only know so much. I am still trying to figure things out. I know I have done a lot of damage but please, just take it out on me. I don't want others dragged further just for having at one point known me. The issues are with me and what I have done.

Again, you can add me on discord and message me there if you want. I just felt compelled to say something because I don't want ex friends dragged just for knowing me.