#theyve been ruminating for like a week or so

[mintyvoid]

a somewhat review / ramble about garfield 2008 game

so if you're not in the same sections of yt as myself you may not be familiar with the guy- planet clue (or evan), who I quite like, am inspired by at times, and slightly jealous(as im jealous of anyone who is able to do things they enjoy and finish projects). Recently he uploaded a video about the 2008 Garfield game ALONGSIDE a mod he made to better the experience of playing the old thing.

please watch, he always does a really good job at going juuust enough in depth to sate most curiosity- while also leaving stuff out and making you want to engage in whatever he's talking about. He's always super passionate about whatever it is, and it's really inspiring.

ANYWAYS. So of course I had to try the game out.

For a quick look see into my brain, I play just about any game that catches my interest- which isn't really bound by genre or mechanic. There are some exceptions, like fps or horror or sports. Despite this I still engage with these in other ways likes reviews or gameplay videos. In general I think as a (i dunno if i can really call myself a game designer despite going to school for it, i havent really done much after graduating thanks to depression and having that fun autistic life decline after losing structure)- it's good to have knowledge or experience of as many unique things as possible.

ANYWAYSANYWAYS. I also really liked the idea of the game.

For a short synops if you didn't watch the video or forget; you play as garfield, and odie just fucking wrecked the house. You need to fix this using a vacuum to grab items and put them back where they belong, as well as right skewed frames/posters on the walls. It's a really clever and grounded premise for the garfield world. Games that take place is a kinda mundane or simple world tend to either go really hard into a fantastical premise/mechanics or just do a puzzle game lol. So it's really refreshing to see a really solid idea that to the right people IS really engaging.

I am one of those people.

I LOVE organizing, putting puzzles together, doing the fun sorting for no reason.

Now I won't sugar coat it, the game is fucking rough around the edges. It is veryyyy much a product of its time and a licensed game. The controls are a clunky and take a bit to get used to, the use of the vacuum as well doesn't always 'just work'.

The main character controller is overall a bit sluggish, I was surprised that it doesn't just snap and change your direction when you go. Lining yourself up properly can take a few taps or needing to do like a full rotation. Most of the time this is fine, there are a few instances where there's an item to place/grab that's on a shelf where it becomes a fun game of trying to rotate the character lol.

There was also the fun realization that the vacuum uses two buttons, one for sucking and one for spitting. There are no tutorials in the game, which I imagine was fine at the time since the instruction manual most likely provided all this information. And really I probably should've looked it up, but it also would've been nice to have a pdf or something already in the files or even just the controls in a txt.

Speaking of controls, there is also a kick button. I didn't use this for the entirety of my playthrough lol. I think you can use it to kick Odie aside, he will charge you and knock into you in a quick stunned state, but it seemed really hard to pull off. For the most part I could just avoid him or just let him do his thing lol.

Along side this obstacle, are some light platforming puzzles- that use the items you relocate. Honestly I'm just super impressed by how everything ties together, sure the game is kinda shit, but it makes up for it with so charm and hella good cohesion. Literally nothing feels out of place. Even the few side missions you have to do (a vacuum themed one, a race, and a flower hunt) don't feel out of place. Thought to be honest none of them are particularly /fun/ either.

The game also has a time limit? When you start there is a timer counting down from 8 hours and you must finish everything by then. Do not be alarmed, this is extremely way too much time. By the time I finished(which i technically haven't done but I'll get there..) I had about 5 hours still left. The timer directly relates to the plot, the total destruction of the house is prefaced with John threatening Garfield with making him diet after he ate his lasagna(that was such a hard word to type holy shit) and scratched up some things. John saying that if he finds another thing ruined by the /time he comes back at 5pm/ the dieting will commence.

..5pm.... 8 hours?

Oh my god John left for his 9-5! The 8 hours directly means a full day passing. This is probably so small and most likely barely thought of, but the fact that to me it's so logical makes it just soooooooooo good. Another thing perfectly tying the whole thing together.

Okay but what about the actual game? It's not a simple free for all, you don't get access to the full house right away. There are also other artificial barriers created by the playing only being able to hold 3 items at a time. If you want to collect more you need to deposit some into a storage box which there are a few of, but they're not connected- so I just kept using the same one in the main hallway the entire time.

It's a lot of going back and forth between rooms and between them and the box.

You unlock the other rooms by completing the ones you have access too, It's a pretty obvious way to handle the progression and one that is handled well.

There were a handful of times though, that I got completely stuck. Often it was because of the camera and missing items that were tucked away in such a way that required wrestling with the camera in order to get the item in view. Though you don't actually need the item in view to suck/spit it out, as a first time player it made for quite frustrating moments. The camera often doesn't want to sit where you get it too. It feels like it was made for more open areas than it was programmed too and doesn't want to get closer to the player character. I think almost all the places where I missed something and couldn't find it till I watched a speedrun of it, were all small ish areas where getting the camera to actually see it was a struggle.

I was also really surprised that the cameras horizontal isn't inverted. I don't know if this was a change made by the mod, or if 2008 was already in the time where this change happened in the industry. I thought it happened around 2010. I'm curious to see if the ps2 version of the game had inverse. I'm someone who actually likes an inverted horizontal axis, so it took a bit to get used to and in general was a interesting brain thought to me.

A thing that I actually feel different about with evan is I actually /like/ the music. His mod replaced the music with some lesser known nintendo tunes, but I wanted to have the authentic experience- just to know.

And while initially the game sounds like a dumpster fire, I grew to enjoy it. It all sounds..fine. None of it is extremely bad, but none of it is any good either. It's all feels like royalty free stuff with like a hint of Sims music thrown in there. They're all earworms and kinda live rent free in my head now, seriously just the 'menu' music which is also the main first floor music is so stupid sounding(affectionate). I think my favourite is the upstairs theme, it's a bit more mellow, while still having aspects of frantic-ness to it. Cause ya know, need to clean before John gets home.

So I know I said I finished the game..and also said that I haven't actually. There is SOMETHING in the house that needs to be readjusted I think, I'm pretty sure I've completed all the rooms and the lasagna is done too (though it uh...the model reverted back to its empty version, it's kinda funny looking at all the items around it and it being empty again..i dunno if this is a major issue or not)...but what I assume is a final cutscene has not played. I most likely will need to rewatch a sr to finally finish the game.

Overall though, I would recommend the game if it sounds like something you'd be into. It is a fun experience, even with it's clunkyness. And the work Evan has done is really awesome.

If i wasn't in such a deep funk there's a lot of cool things that could be done with the game and it's ideas. There are already tools to export the models, so i imagine updating or just goofing around with the textures would be possible and probably fun to do. Or even going further and just remaking the mechanics to make something new with the ideas..or going crazier and remaking the whole game in like unity to better various things like the controller lol

i've always wanted to get into modding and weird game stuff, but always fall short in getting myself to -actually do the thing- *sighs* maybe when the funk ends..

but i digress, HERE is the link

[weirdbabs]

i will say, now that ive had time to ruminate on it a little, i dont really like what the show is doing with the fireflies. we havent seen much of them, just in the boston episodes, but what little theyre giving me and how theyre portraying fedra as well is making me 😬 a leeeetle bit sus

gonna put this under cut bc it got Long

i mean. right away theres a difference in how were exposed to them in that the game gives us news clips letting us know whats happened over the 20 years, how cities have been placed under marshal law, how riots have broken out as rations hit all time lows, how the fireflies started fighting back and how their public charter calls for the return of the branches of government, how fedras started holding public executions for “alleged fireflies”. the show doesnt give us anything like that, instead shows us that little boy who they let in and test, before promising that they were going to take care of him and he was safe now only to cut to the burn cart/pit where we find his body is. sure that lets us know that theyll lie and promise to protect you only to kill you but you can argue in their favor. he was infected, theres a short incubation period and who knows when he was infected, they did it in a gentle way (seems like euthanasia), they made an effort to help him. they saw this boy faint and they brought him inside the qz. the game fedra wouldnt have let him in even if there wasnt the chance he was infected, there were issues with rations as it was.

there are changes in what were shown of fedra too, little but they add up. we dont see them pulling people out of a condemned building and shooting anyone who tries to run/resist. we dont see any evidence of people being selected for “outside work duty”, but instead see people volunteering for work in hopes for extra ration cards. we dont see the ration line that hasnt opened yet, that people have been waiting in for who knows how long bc theyre running low. dont get to hear the guy telling his friend to keep his voice down when complaining about fedra bc otherwise he might die. sure they still have their public executions for unauthorized entry/exits of the qz, sure they still hold tess in a cell overnight bc they think she might be a firefly, but theyre still shown overall in a kinder light

and then we have the introduction of the fireflies. in the show theyre holding ellie, chained to a wall, who we learned they snatched off the street. they leave her like that, come check on her once or twice a day, take notes and leave. they dont even give her a change of clothes based on the fact shes wearing what she was when she was bit. i didnt see any bucket or anything so i dont know what they were doing for her bathroom situation cause they sure as shit werent gonna let her out of their sight. when we meet ellie in the game, shes free to move about the room shes hiding in as she wishes. shes hiding there by choice, bc she specifically sought marlene out after she was bitten. she knew for about 3 weeks that she could be the cure rather than finding out the day she was being shipped off.

when it comes to meeting “the queen firefly herself”, marlene is shown in show to be strategic and cunning. shes planning on how to get her troops out of the city by causing as much chaos as possible, spread the fedra soldiers thin and hope to keep them distracted so they can hopefully sneak out unnoticed. in the game theyve been planning on leaving the city for weeks (presumably from the moment she realized ellie was immune) and they went quiet. but fedra needs a scape goat, they need someone who they can blame the problems on, someone other than themselves who the qz can hate. so theyve been picking fights, hoping to rile them up. the fireflies are in a desperate situation trying to defend themselves rather than taking a stand

and then of course you have them changing it from the fedra hunting joel, ellie, and tess down under the assumption that they were fireflies (tying into what is reiterated throughout the game: that people are just as dangerous as the infected) to a hoard of infected chasing them, and removing the fireflies helping overthrow the pittsburgh kansas city qz (who wanted them to help take the fight to other qzs, and were instead captured and hung by the citizens)

and then in episode 7 they made one of the biggest changes yet in terms of the fedra/firefly dichotomy. in the show, the mall has recently been hooked up to the power when fedra opened a new block of buildings, which allows riley to show ellie the best day of her life. she knows about whats in the mall bc shes been stationed there by the fireflies, this 16 almost 17 yr old is stationed there alone in a building that hasnt even been properly cleared.

but in the game its a completely different story. the mall didnt suddenly gain powere, its had it the entire time. riley reveals this to ellie and we learn that fedra has the ability to provide power to every part of the city, they just say that it doesnt work as a way of controlling the populace. the fireflies dont have anyone stationed there, fedra do. a soldier named winston who was there to prevent people (and infected) from sneaking into the qz, who riley and ellie were sorta friends with and who taught ellie how to ride a horse.

by making those changes in left behind, suddenly you can make the argument that fedras not that bad. sure in some places like the kansas city qz theyre terrible but in others theyre actually trying to help the people! look how they expanded the qz! they got the power up and running and suddenly places like the mall work bc of that! look at the soldier who gave the warning to joel! sure he doesnt want to lose his supplier but he didnt have to give him the warning! and inversely you can make the argument that the fireflies are just as bad. look how they left a 16/17 year old alone with bombs! look how they open fire on the streets without care of whether they hit civilians! look how they view their personnel as expendable!

it feels like theyre gearing up to be like “actually the fireflies are just as bad as fedra” and im afraid if they go that route theyll have some shit take like “fighting your oppressors using aggressive/violent tactics makes you just as bad as the oppressor” or “if the fireflies make a cure theyll use it to ensure the people are under their control” or some shit like that

[ambitionsource]

Hi, I am so here for all this ambition content right now. I check this page every day! I remember u guys mentioning about a rl and dasher road trip and I was wondering about that! Thank you!

hello pal!! literally so honored and happy that you’re enjoying ambition and the fact that you check our page every day... ugh you’re too sweet. hopefully the nonsense we do around here is entertaining! very happy to have you in our fandom community <3

so yes, rl + da road trip! i hope it’s okay that i took a bit to answer this, bc i wanted to ruminate on it for a bit before typing it up. so as y’all know we refer to the summer between s1 and 2 as “cruel summer” (thank u tswift), and similarly we have a code name for the summer between s2 and 3 which is “summer of love.” this is admittedly mainly because of rl, but also because a majority of the characters are in such a better headspace this summer than they were last.

boppin the rest under a read more, because i just go on... and on... and on............. (i really love rl & da)

-- Maggie

one facet of this summer is that around... july sometime, dylucasher decide they want to take a trip down to virginia beach (or the beaches in that general vicinity) because they want to check out a beach that isnt grey and cold like the ones close to them in ny, and because a trip before their last year of school together seems like a fun and Classic idea. originally they plan it for just the three of them, but somehow riley comes up and all of them agree -- especially dylan -- that it would be way more fun if she came along too. so they try to convince her to come along, which doesn’t take much convincing, it’s more so about figuring out how she’s going to get around cory because if he knew she wanted to go on a like week long trip with her boyfriend (who he doesn’t really trust) and two other boys he would probably have a heart attack.

you know, it would be like “you can’t go on an overnight trip with three boys!!!” “dad, you know dylan and asher. they’re gay. they’ve been dating for three years. they’re GAY. i do not think i’m at ALL at risk in that scenario???” fsdfSDKGDL

so riley devises a plan / cover story that involves like “going to stay with mom” for a few days, maybe a lie about staying over at isa’s or yindra’s for a couple days in there, you know, she lays out the whole lie and then bribes maya to go along with it and help cover her tracks (rl have very inverse influences on one another -- where riley sort of tames lucas and helps calm him and make him less feral, she develops a bit of a rebellious streak from him or just better identifies the nuances of which rules should be followed vs which were meant to be bent or broken..)

the good thing about this road trip is that it’s what truly cements riley’s friendship with dylan and asher. they’ve been toeing the line of friendship for like two years now (as riley said in cruel summer, she regretted not taking the time and establish a friendship with them in sophomore year before everything fell apart), and it’s kind of like it’s bound to happen. riley and asher takes a little more time to grow and develop just because of the kind of person asher is, but on this road trip dylan and riley just Click. like they were basically made to be best friends, dylan is the first person who kind intrinsically Gets riley and they match each other in terms of enthusiasm / personality / brightness. again, a friendship that’s just been Waiting to happen, and this trip really brings that to the forefront.

(on that note, i once joked that when dylan and riley get really into chatting about something and lucas zones out, they start sounding like the villagers in animal crossing to him. like if he stops paying attention for even a second suddenly dyley sound like this. and i stand by that claim.)

as for the trip itself, its not like i have the whole thing perfectly plotted or anything like that, more just... musings and ideas. oh and a playlist, of course i have a playlist. obviously they’re really good about swapping around drivers and sort of organizing their time since they only have a week, and i think it’s mainly funded by dylan’s youtube vlogger coin. asher helps and riley chips in her fair share, but dylan basically covers lucas because obviously he can’t pay but they all want him there. he makes up for this by driving the most even tho the other three insist its not a big deal.

when it comes to sharing space, the quartet of them are pretty good at it. obviously when they stop for the night they just share beds by couple, but it is interesting to think about how different these two relationships are in terms of like... you know, where they’re at. like its super easy for da to share a bed because they basically do that all the time now, but for rl breaking that boundary would be a kind of unspoken big deal and lucas would be so cautious about it. like they spend most of the summer in riley’s car (can’t hang out at her place with cory there and no one is going to lucas’s) and so theyve probably like fallen asleep together there once or twice and maybe napped ONCE at riley’s place when maya and cory were both gone in the 2.5 months they’ve been together, but it’s still... not the same. so at first lucas would be really nervous about it, but after the first couple of nights he’d relax and realize its really not that big a deal -- esp since riley seems pretty confident and comfortable with it. by the end of the week, lucas wakes up in the middle of the night and riley has cuddled up next to him and he’s like... okay MAYBE sharing a bed with someone makes points. perhaps.

one of the nights on the way down the coast, what truly breaks the ice for dylan and riley is that they break out a SMALL amount of alcohol and both get tipsy (which for them is just like. giddy and giggly and very chatty. they’re both happy drunks without a doubt). lucas and asher don’t indulge bc lucas doesn’t trust himself getting intoxicated and asher is just wary of it in general, but they figure dyley can do it as long as they’re both supervising. so dylan and riley talk A LOT that night and truly form their Kindred Spirit bond and also lucasher end up regretting letting them drink bc for like a half an hour dyley do this thing where they just pretend to share secrets with one another. like they theatrically whisper in one another’s ears and look at lucasher while they’re doing it and then start laughing and they’re literally not saying anything Important (like it’s probably like riley being like “psst... i think lucas is... hee hee... lucas is hot”) and then dylan cracking up and agreeing but bc lucasher don’t know what they’re saying they’re like ha ha very funny........... but y’all aren’t talking about us doe right. wait, what did you say. hold on --

a lot of the trip is also based around being in nature and the outdoors, since they don’t get to do much of that day-to-day in manhattan. considering one of their favorite spots to hang out as a group during senior year is at central park, they’re all definitely fresh air outdoorsy kind of people to a degree. so like, stopping at parks, going on hikes, and of course the beach itself. i made an instagram edit of one of said hikes when i was testing a template i made:

naturally, and i swear this happens at least once on a long road trip whether it is with family or friends or any combo of people, but you hit a point where you get irritable and start to get a little sick of one another. i think in this case that mainly starts between lucas and asher, because although they’re Best Friends i think lucas has a knack for finding ways of irritating him. and also lucas probably gets irritated by dylan’s high energy after too much time with no breaks, so he’s also snappy, and as they’re on the way back up to nyc people are spatting at one another or getting snippy over stupid things so riles is like. here’s an idea! how about we split up for the day when we get to philadelphia. this is an excellent idea and none of them are opposed, so when they arrive in philly, dylan and asher split off to go explore the city + historical sites.

what do riley and lucas do? well, riley takes lucas to meet her grandparents, of course.

at first lucas is like ummmmmmm no because he’s SUPER nervous about meeting her family -- the only family he’s met is cory and we know that’s... unideal, and eric, both of whom have a completely different perception of him bc of school and his behavioral record. he’s yet to meet topanga or auggie yet or anything like that -- but riley assures him that her grandparents are chill and she has no doubt she’ll like them. they’re also meeting lucas with a completely blank slate (i.e. no preconceived notions about him like those who work at aaa), so it’s not hard for lucas to make a good impression since he really is like... a good guy. not to mention no way is he snarky or deadpan in situations where he doesn’t feel comfortable or like he has the right lmao, so he’s on his BEST behavior around amy and alan.

the good thing is that alan himself kind of had a similar background and run on the wild side that lucas does (kind of like jack, altho jack was never as troubled as lucas), and so i think he would kind of... inherently Get him. like he’d strike up a conversation with him and at first lucas would be like omg why is this man speaking to me please i’m invisible pretend i’m not here... but after a bit he’d find it’s surprisingly easy to talk to alan. and they’d talk for like an hour and get on pretty well. meanwhile, amy is talking to riley and is like so... let me guess. cory does not know you’re traveling with your boyfriend???? and riley is like... perhaps. maybe don’t tell him? pretty please? and once amy convenes with alan and is like how is he and alan is all “he’s fine, we can approve,” then they agree not to rat riley out.

riley and lucas also climb up into the matthews tree house and take a look around and they comment on how strange it is that cory and eric once used to like, hang out in there and in that house and were once teenagers (lucas: be careful this is humanizing your father too much for me). and i’d think they’d sit up in the treehouse for a little bit and just talk and riley would talk about how nice it must’ve been to grow up in the suburbs like this, and she’s surprised when lucas agrees and he admits he fucking hates living in manhattan. and that kind of prompts this subtle internal thinking in both of them of like hmm well... maybe in the future when things are different and we can make our own rules maybe we’ll move out of the city and into a quieter life... they don’t say any of that out loud, but they’re both thinking it. and at the tail end of that conversation riley kisses lucas which turns into a Really Good Kiss... but then they’re interrupted by amy calling for them to come down for dinner and its kind of like lmao, they’re both a little bashful but in a casual silly way

[thetotalfailure]

ok i dont feel like randomly bursting into tears ruminating on how stupid i am anymore

but i dont know if thats because ive had coffee and its 3am

which is another problem in of itself

my next counseling appointment isnt for another few weeks

but the first one feels like the dam broke

but it couldve been because of my intense hormone imbalance

but ive felt completely paralyzed

overwhelmed

i havent done anything all week and thats because i end up feeling like i want to cry instead of working so i go do something else which makes it worse

classic. there’s many articles about that online. fascinating. couldnt read them through the tears. why did i even try. i already know what i need to do.

but knowing and doing are two different concepts. ideas. actions.

i havent acted on any thought i have. good and bad. nothing

i dont know what to do at this point

i know venting isnt very productive because then i just end up getting stuck on the negative. and i dont want to shove the negative onto someone else. it helps no one.

its hard being nice to myself.

getting a proper diagnosis would get me on the path to not being like this

taking the steps to get such a thing is. i have so many other things i need to do.

i keep putting everything off.

the cycle

im trying but im not trying but i am trying but its really more like thinking about trying

how do i ask for help

i dont want any help. with doing things that is. i do want help. but not help to get to the help. which is ridiculous of me and why im stuck here not tearing up about it. 

i wish i wasnt like this. but wishing isnt doing. i just need. to. do. something. 

they told me to just sit down and stare at what im supposed to do for only a scheduled time. schedules. right. 

i even failed that. instead of just staring at what im supposed to be doing, i would do other things instead. i couldnt even not do what i wasnt supposed to do. ugh.

be nice to myself? how do i do that.

just turn something crappy in

i know that. i cant even get myself to do that. i cant even crap out the work. and now its late. i dont want to turn in crappy late work. but i know its better than nothing. but now im stuck in this stupid loop about it

its so fucking stupid. i cant use my own advice for myself. be nice to yourself. just turn in something crappy who cares. lower your expectations. dont care about what other people think. 

i dont. but i do. but i dont. but i really do.

i know what im capable of and i want others to know to

my standards for myself are high so i should lower them

but i dont want to seem low to other people

but i will seem low to people if i dont do anything. which is happening because my standards are high and now i have anxiety procrastination

so i should not care what others think and lower my standards for myself and turn in something crappy

oh my god why am i not doing this

and now im upset about me not doing something even after logicking everything out

im

so annoyed and upset and frustrated with myself

i dont think counseling will work but i know its a step in the right direction and maybe ill take the next step into making an appointment with someone else to get me more help because its probably just a chemical imbalance that would be fixed with medication but the complex system to get to that point takes up so much energy that i barely even have any emotional or mental energy to do what i need to do in the present time to get to step 50 and i know what im supposed to do is to break everything up into smaller pieces and delegation is a good step in the right direction but i dont want any help from anyone which is frustrating because there’s nothing wrong with getting help and i really feel like im losing it and i might just drop out of life and just. leave the state or something, not literally leave life. i wouldnt go that far. something silly like live on a farm. 

a decade ago i learned about a lot of psych concepts. rumination. ideas around self fulfilling prophecies and setting oneself up for failure. the big d word. 

although. a decade ago i had a vague unspoken idea about myself then. one i wouldve never allowed to fully voice itself even in my mind. which kind of doesnt make sense but i cant be poetic at the moment. just that. perhaps i wouldn’t exist in a decade.

i guess in a way, the me of the past truly doesn’t exist

but im still here. i exist. i have to deal with what i didnt do a decade ago. which is get help in some way dont get me wrong it isnt making myself not exist. 

it feels kind of awful. a decade of this nonsense with myself. a dance with high standards and letting myself fail from fear of failure. its a dark step in adulthood that i hope many don’t have to experience. the step of realizing that the future exists and i have to plan to exist in it. 

i think ive seen posts like that on this hell site. not having made plans for the future because they didnt expect to make it past a certain age, yet here they are.

it wasnt that . well. i guess in a way it is. i don’t know what i expected. but i certainly didnt plan anything for the future. it was anxiety about it. maybe i spoke about it in a previous entry. 

i hated. well. that might be a little too strong of a word. i disliked my so in hs because all they thought about was the future. their plans for it. their dreams. the little white fence with the 2.5 children and whatnot. i disliked thinking about the future. i enjoyed talking about Dreams for the future. oh lets live together with friends and who will be the DD and who will be the funny roommate and sitcom style adulthood with everyone graduating and having jobs and enjoying life. thats not a semi solid plan for a future. just a dream. something silly friends talk about. nothing serious. why think about what lies in the future when someone didnt really expect to. exist? im not sure what it was i thought. just my vague aspirations. 

wherever the wind takes me.

i still think like that. but i suppose i have a more solid plan/idea for what i want

but its hard. its been easier these days for the dark thoughts to creep back into my brain. easier in the sense that they’ve just taken over completely. why did i think i could do this or that when its easier to just lay in bed all day with the blinds shut and blankets blocking reality from sight. why bother when ive already set myself up to fail. i knew i didnt have to do this. why did i do this. i could just work my way up from the bottom and secure a job thats just barely above minimum wage. but i dont even believe i could do that. everything is so much energy. im even writing this instead of writing what im supposed to be working on. why am i like this

i dont want to talk to anyone else about this because. i already know its not productive the way i think so it would just come out the same nonproductive way. ill drop a thought here and there. but not the full struggle. why tell someone when i can tell a professional and yet i dont even tell the damn professional.

but be nicer to myself

its hard. its hard on my and myself and im hard on me and myself. another horrible cycle.

im tired of all of this. and i dont like being treated as fragile i guess. 

theyve been texting me the past few days with messages of affection and affirmations. its nice but. it just feels empty to me. which is frustrating. i know its just the bad side of my brain telling me to ruin it all completely. i dont know how to voice it without hurting anyone. i want to wait for my next appointment because i know its just my brain being illogical

but everything costs energy. i just simply feel like a time bomb. or maybe ive already gone off and im more like a candle thats burning out

i feel like im burning out

or that im already at the end and im just a whisper of smoke

i know that everyone can be compassionate or understanding and maybe accommodating, but im afraid ill only be met with sternness and a loss of respect somehow. like im just making excuses. especially because its not like im diagnosed officially or anything. i know im not the only one. but it feels like im the only one. and what if i am the only one. i dont want to be singled out 

i dont want to be treated differently. maybe understanding. but. not differently. not negatively.

they. i dont want them to stop but i dont even understand what i want instead, so i dont want to stop them. in a way it shows they care because they do care but. it feels shallow. i dont know what i want from them at all. which is probably why i want to press the self destruct button and ruin it for both of us. but thats unfair to them and thats unfair to me. so i should just talk to them about it. effective communication. 

back to step one i suppose. i need the energy to do. anything. anything at all. god d

be nice to myself. that’s hard.