#lets hope that we can forgive january February march april may june july

[cadaverre]

happy august may the wind be salty and doors be rusty etc etc

[lucytara]

a prompt for every week of the year

awhile ago, i created my own writing prompts along the lines of an old livejournal writing community called 52 flavours, whose prompts were always beautiful and abstract and poetic and evocative. these types of prompts have sort of become lost to fandom in favor of more straightforward and simplistic ones (which never inspire me much, personally) so as i start to post fics i'm writing to these prompts, i figured i might as well post the actual prompt list for anyone to use!

the distant glitter of the January sun

back then, everything was music

at the violet hour

the world begins at the kitchen table

it felt just like February; what had been falling snow was beating loudly in the street

Listen. Even the ocean begs.

still without sound

unsure of where to settle down for the night

March is a month of storms and lust

we’ve been alive just long enough

I wrote “valley” when I meant “longing”

you saw me one Friday afternoon and decided you should love me

I know I have been dreaming

April is the cruelest month

all this fucking with no hands on me

I’d write about you a lot more than I should

to put on your best outfit and feel like you’re dressing a wound

to be held by something reluctant to let go

Late in May as the light lengthens

I worry that love is violence

I’ve been trying to go home my whole life–

you can put your strength down

I wasn’t fooled. I knew you at once.

It is June. Let’s hope someone is kind, just in time

bend in a thousand directions

your smell was never unfamiliar

even hunger can become a space to live in

a kind of undressing

the July night is a song

you, you, and only you

they cannot exist without setting each other on fire

in your hand, its shaky penmanship, my own paper-thin nerves

staying up all night for it

the August sun, returning everything that was taken away—

and maybe love still smolders in my heart

the reverse of being haunted

I want I want I want

a day of rain; the kind you think will never end

September tastes of ashes 

the museum of past lives

maybe a meteor or maybe a phone call or maybe a sudden shift in atmosphere

an old, old wound about to heal or about to bleed

the ache of everything unsaid

October is a thick and hollow bone

the difference between intimacy and radical intimacy

I caught you forgetting me

the wish for winter

Will you forgive me these November days?

amazing how long a ruined thing will burn

Look, you said, sunlight.

All my stories are about being left; all of yours are about leaving. We should have known.

It is December and we must be brave.

[thequeensgrimoire]

Wheel of the Year 2023

Another year, another wheel of the year spread... I know I don't use this blog for much anymore, but I'm hoping to keep my readings up and my wheels of the year always help me and give me a lot of guidance and anxiety relief during rough spots, and help me feel like I have an anchor when things are rough, so I want to keep them up.

As always, I'm doing a 12-month wheel with 1-3 central cards. This year, I'm using the Alleyman's Tarot Deck by 7 Dane Asmond, a new favorite of mine.

Let's begin.

Read from top (The Star) in a clockwise direction, with the Star being January and the other cards each having the next month of the year. The central cards are more general, read as the beginning (left), end (right), and general overarching message (middle) of the year.

I'll break them each down as we go, starting with January.

January - The Star

I love this card, in general and in the Alleyman deck. As an omen for the start of the year, it's very good! Hope, goals, something to look ahead to. This is looking forwards, thinking of the future, and drawing up dreams and long-term plans. But it's important not to get stuck dreaming and actually *implement* the plans in your head. Choose some things and DO THEM, and be wary of being unrealistic in your head.

February - Ten of Cups, Reversed

You are overlooking the joys in your life and refusing to share yourself with others. You must recognize this cruelty, inner or outer, and understand how to extend yourself the hospitality that is cutting you off from possible joys in your life.

March - Four of Keys, Reversed

Doors you open cannot be opened again - the choices you make are heavy, and permanent, and choices this month will have long-standing and irreversible consequences. You must move forwards, not backwards, commit to your decisions, and make sure your choice is going to be the right one. Onwards, and outwards...

April - Stubborn Death, Reversed

Get therapy, unironically. You are hanging on to something that is already dead, Desperation and hunger lead to gruesome things, and you need to step back from the horrors to ask yourself if this is how you want to live. The doctor is overwhelmed by the horrors of his own creation.

May - Riding Death, Reversed

This is an omen - things are in flux, changeable, and nothing is for certain. Don't get to attached to things right now, but also don't take them for granted. There is a beauty in the fact that things that end, so you should savor them while they last and take in the small beauties around you before they're gone.

June - Three of Swords, Reversed

There will be an upheaval - a heartbreak, a job loss, a failure - that will leave you feeling broken. But you must let go of that pain, and overcome it - that failure is not a personal fault, or flaw, and you must find forgiveness for both yourself and the people who hurt you so you can move on and grow from the experience, however harsh it may have been.

July - Two of Swords, Reversed

A stalemate between options, ideas, paths. Your thoughts are blocked and your emotions unclear, and making a choice at all seems difficult. But hear this - there's power in walking away. Do you need to make the choice at all, or can you pull your head away and look for your salvation somewhere else?

August - Six of Swords, Reversed

Your journey is feeling stagnant, long and arduous, and you're feeling bogged down. And especially, you feel lonely - there's no protection or support for you here, no one to hold your hand. You must forge ahead alone to make it to the end, but the best you can do is just keep moving forward.

September - Five of Swords, Reversed

Winning isn't everything. You've finished your journey, and you've won, but what was the cost, and what did you offer to achieve it? You'll need to come to terms with whatever the culmination of this issue is - wether it's compromise or stubbornness - and ask yourself if it was worthwhile.

October - Four of Swords

This is self-inflicted wounds, maybe out of guilt for whatever happened earlier in the year. Self-doubt, overprotectiveness, overwhelm, anxiety, and fear are all plaguing you from every angle, making you want to run and hide from the world. Don't forget to have faith in yourself, and don't be your own executioner - how are you speaking ill to yourself, and how can you reach out to others?

November - Knight of Cups

Bearer of the suit, this card signifies a romance and satisfaction of emotions - romance in the grand sense, not necessarily in a relationship. Something will bring you back to focusing on the good around you, the kindness and beauty of the world. While it's not all realistic, let yourself bathe in its waters enough to heal your soul. It's a balm.

December - Page of Cups

This is a learning - larning to feel, love, and hope again. Despite the hardships of the year, you're still dreaming, open to new things and with a heart full of love and ready to experience love from the world. Again, a desire to dream more than 'do', and there's risk of your emotions getting out of control here. Don't be too sensitive.

---

Now, on to the general cards...

Beginning - The Empty

A canvas. A blank page. An open space. There is newness here, fresh beginnings and possibilities. The year is waiting for what you bring to the table, so be mindful of what you put there. The marks won't go away, no matter how much you work around them. But don't be afraid to mark it, either - it will stain, one way or another. Make it intentional.

Overall - Justice

Balance, and equity. Something is demanding justice and attention from you - what have you been neglecting, and what actions have you taken in the past that can catch up with you now? Justice can also be a recognition - recognize what is at play in your life. How can you repair what is broken? How can *you* make ammends?

End - The High Priestess

Divine knowledge, revelation, insight and understanding. You will come out of this year older but wiser, listening to your inner voice and understanding yourself in ways you never did before. A learning of the truth, for yourself, rather than through the words of others.

---

There are a few story threads I can see here -

One is that I have a blank slate, open possibility, and many dreams and desires going into this year, but many decisions I make will be indelible, so I mustn't take them lightly. There will be big changes, with heartbreak and turmoil around every corner, but I must keep moving ahead with my dreams and possibilities. Time won't stop, and neither will I, even if it's hard.

Another is being kinder to myself. I've been struggling, seriously, emotionally, for a while. It makes sense that this might come to some sort of head this year - The Ten of Cups, the Stubborn Death, and many of the swords suit are saying this. I need to learn to better listen to what my heart is saying, be gentler to myself, and open myself to hearing the truth.

Connected to this I see insight, and gaining insight. The major through-line of this year seems to be moving from dreams, naivety, and ignorance to knowledge, wisdom, and emotional growth through pain. A heroes journey of sorts, to the underworld and back.

I don't like that it will be hard - for every card in the middle seems to be foretelling hardship, struggling, and knowledge being hard-won in some way - but it seems to have a hopeful end. Strength on the other side. Odin hanging upside down to gain knowledge of the universe. And I guess that's a nice thought to keep around.

I'll check in again later.

[pennyngram]

52 Flavours Writing Prompts Masterlist

original post by @lucytara

Taking up this challenge to get me to actually write some fiction, even if it's a tiny bit a week, no excuses. Will try to mix genres and styles (so strive not to only do introspective melancholic stuff but also comedy??? and experimenting with POVs I wouldn't usually think of).

Starting in nov 2024 at Week 46, should be done in nov 2025 with Week 45 :)

the distant glitter of the January sun

back then, everything was music

at the violet hour

the world begins at the kitchen table

it felt just like February; what had been falling snow was beating loudly in the street

Listen. Even the ocean begs.

still without sound

unsure of where to settle down for the night

March is a month of storms and lust

we’ve been alive just long enough

I wrote “valley” when I meant “longing”

you saw me one Friday afternoon and decided you should love me

I know I have been dreaming

April is the cruelest month

all this fucking with no hands on me

I’d write about you a lot more than I should

to put on your best outfit and feel like you’re dressing a wound

to be held by something reluctant to let go

Late in May as the light lengthens

I worry that love is violence

I’ve been trying to go home my whole life–

you can put your strength down

I wasn’t fooled. I knew you at once.

It is June. Let’s hope someone is kind, just in time

bend in a thousand directions

your smell was never unfamiliar

even hunger can become a space to live in

a kind of undressing

the July night is a song

you, you, and only you

they cannot exist without setting each other on fire

in your hand, its shaky penmanship, my own paper-thin nerves

staying up all night for it

the August sun, returning everything that was taken away—

and maybe love still smolders in my heart

the reverse of being haunted

I want I want I want

a day of rain; the kind you think will never end

September tastes of ashes 

the museum of past lives

maybe a meteor or maybe a phone call or maybe a sudden shift in atmosphere

an old, old wound about to heal or about to bleed

the ache of everything unsaid

October is a thick and hollow bone

the difference between intimacy and radical intimacy

I caught you forgetting me [18.11.2024]

the wish for winter [20.11.2024]

Will you forgive me these November days?

amazing how long a ruined thing will burn

Look, you said, sunlight.

All my stories are about being left; all of yours are about leaving. We should have known.

It is December and we must be brave.

[mystiksnotes]

The Moon

The Phases Full Moon - cleanse your tools, restore your energy, give thanks, love magicks, beginnings, enhance psychic ability, power, healing, divination, enlightenment, banishing Blue Moon - divination, focus, achieving goals, wishes Waning Gibbous - expel negativity, releasing, undo bindings and curses Third Quarter - Forgiveness, letting go, releasing, reaking bad habits Waning Crescent - rest, cleansing, balance, success, wisdom, atonement Dark Moon - banishing, retreat, self reflection, justice, rest, stillness, observation New Moon - fresh starts, new beginnings, banishing, divination, healing, hope, openness Black Moon - manifestation, power, wishes Waxing Crescent - attraction, spells of intention or hope, luck, friendship, growth, wealth First Quarter - overcoming challenges, action, making decisions, balance Waxing Gibbous - making adjustments, refining, prosperity, motivation, good health, positivity, success What are the Blue, Dark, and Black Moons? A Blue Moon is an "extra" full moon that occurs in the same month. Or, it is what occurs when you get four full moons in one season. A Black Moon is just the opposite, an extra new moon to occur within the same month as another, or when four new moons happen in the same season. It can also refer to a month in which there is no full moon, which can only occur in February, as the lunar cycles run over 29.5 days. A Dark Moon is what you call the waning crescent just before the new moon and the start of the waxing phase. The duration ranges from 1.5 to 3.5 days. Full Moons January - Wolf Moon/Cold Moon/Spirit Moon February - Snow Moon/Hunger Moon March - Worm Moon/Sap Moon April - Pink Moon/Fish Moon/Egg Moon/Sprouting Grass Moon May - Flower Moon/Milk Moon/Corn Planting Moon June - Strawberry Moon/Rose Moon/Hot Moon July - Buck Moon/Thunder Moon August - Sturgeon Moon/Green Corn Moon September - Corn Moon/Harvest Moon/Barley Moon October - Hunter's Moon/Travel Moon/Dying Moon November - Beaver Moon/Frost Moon December - Cold Moon/Long Nights Moon Why are they named? They are essentially nicknames that were traditionally used by Native Americans to track the seasons. Used as timing for growing and harvesting crops, keeping track of when certain animals would be around for hunting, and so on. Not all tribes used the same names at for these moons, or even count the same number of seasons. The names for the moons are largely localized to what grows, what animals are around, and how the mild or harsh the weather is in that area. Some tribes may only use a few names, where others may use the same name at a different time of year. Each tribe had their preferences. Colonial Americans later adopted some of the Full Moon names from the Native Americans and applied it to their own calendar. Where is the Harvest Moon??? Well, the Harvest Moon can occur in one of two months, September or October. It is the Full Moon that occurs the closest to the Autumn Equinox. It is named so, because the closer to the equinox, the later the sun sets, thus giving farmers more time to harvest their crops. What about the Supermoon? This occurs when the (New or Full) Moon is at it's closest point in orbit to Earth, when it's at it's perigee. The Moon appears much larger than normal, and moreso when it's lower in the horizon when it has just started to rise. This can happen at any point in the year. (NOTE) - we have 3 full supermoons occuring in a row in 2020... March, April, and May. image credit thebohomystic.tumblr.com

[aviss]

a year-in-review meme - for writers!

I thought up this writing meme for fic writers who might have been staring at the artists having their lovely and well-deserved collages of their work through the year - and wanted to join in the fun! also this works as a great reminder for those of you (and me) who’ve been thinking that they haven’t been writing as much as they want to, and allows you to go back to enjoy your old fic ;D

Rules: pick your favourite sentence from a work you posted / wrote during a month of 2020! if you didn’t write anything in any particular month, don’t worry! tell us what you were doing or use it as free space for runner-up sentences. after that, tag 8 people or more to do the meme!

I was tagged by the lovely @ladyxxdaydream​ so here is mine:

January:

Matchmaker - Kakashi/Iruka - I just love soft, established relationship for these two. Especially when they have a mischievous side.

On the way back to the living room, Kakashi grabbed him by the waist and pulled until Iruka was wedged between his legs and the table. "Are we going to tell him?" he questioned with a mischievous smile. He moved his hands to cup Iruka's ass, food apparently forgotten, and pressed his face against Iruka's stomach.

"Eventually. We can tease him a bit first."

Iruka felt the vibrations of Kakashi's chuckle against his abs, the warmth of his breath and the fingers pressing just barely on the cleft of his ass incredibly arousing. "You're evil," Kakashi said, approving. "I knew there was a reason I loved you."

"I thought it was because of my ass."

February:

Westeros Most Haunted - Jaime/Brienne - What can I say, I love horror stories. 

They walked as quick as the darkness permitted, running there was as bad an idea as staying still, and clutched each other's hands. "This is the last time I'm filming without a full crew," she said, and as soon as she spoke there a single note began to play, softly at first but gaining volume the same as the noise had before.

She liked it even less than she had the noise.

Jaime's hand squeezed hers hard enough to hurt but she didn't complain. "Oh fuck," was all he said when a second note and then a third followed, then he was moving faster and pulling Brienne with him. "Run, Brienne, run!"

She did, she knew what song was beginning to play and she knew the doors would close when it did.

They didn't want to be trapped on this side of the door.

March:

Ghost in the Machine - Jaime/Brienne - WestWorld AU, because they made it too easy for me to go there.

"There is a war coming," Maeve said. Jaime wasn't surprised. There was always a war, somehow. That thing in Westworld the man had been talking about, the fear in his voice when he had spoken about it that Jaime had ignored at the time. "And I can't fight it on my own."

"Why me?" There had been so many like him, so many other hosts. Jaime knew about war, but only in his little place, in this little fantasy world someone had written for them.

Maeve could have chosen anyone to fight with her.

"Because you are like me, you fought your programing to get back to her the same way I always tried to get back to my daughter. If they hadn't closed this park, you would have eventually got there on your own, I just got you there faster." She handed him the tablet.

April:

D-Rank mission scrolls - Kakashi/Iruka - Iruka in sexy lady clothing, enough said.

Iruka thought about his options; he could run back home and hide under the bed, pack his belongings and flee the village in the middle of the night. Naruto would miss him but he'd always thought he'd make a pretty good missing-nin, though they'd probably send Kakashi after him and he'd die of embarrassment without even giving him a fight. He could also pretend there was nothing out of the ordinary with his attire, as if academy teachers usually dressed in sexy female clothes, apologize to Kakashi and knock on the next door, hoping this time it was Raidou's house. He could also murder Kotetsu for having such appalling penmanship, and the rest of his friends for not being where they should have been.

May:

In Vino Veritas - Kakashi/Iruka - Another of my favourite tropes, second chances

"I almost proposed, once upon a time." He downed his glass and refilled it, using the last of the second jar and signalling for a third. He was feeling the effects of the drink, his tongue loosening, but he didn't mind. Not if it was with Iruka.

Iruka's eyes sharpened on him. "You did? To whom?" There was something in his voice, curiosity and sadness and maybe some jealousy. It was that what made Kakashi think, fuck it, and throw open the can.

"To you."

Iruka closed his eyes as if in pain and downed his glass, refilling it and downing it again.

"I would have said yes." It was Kakashi's turn to drink to ease the lump in his throat. "Do you remember why we broke up?" he finally asked, as if the sake had given him the courage he needed for the question.

June:

The House on the side of the Road - Kakashi/Iruka - again, horror story. Tooke me over four years to finish, but it was worth it.

It was raining. Again.

It was the thing Kakashi hated the most about autumn. The rain, and the chill that settled in the air and made people's mood turn foul, and the fact that Umino Iruka had disappeared on a day not unlike this one, windy and chilly and rainy.

It had been a year since Iruka had failed to return from his mission, practically vanishing into thin air on the road between Ame and Konoha. That same road Kakashi was travelling through now. Kakashi could still remember everything about the day Iruka had been declared MIA, the search party that had been sent to Ame to look for either him or his body. They had returned empty-handed, shaking their heads and declaring Iruka had just vanished into thin air. Without a body, without proof of any attack on him, Iruka couldn't be declared dead. The conclusion, one that didn't sit well with anyone who had ever known him, was that he had deflected, gone rogue.

July:

This Above All - Jaime/Brienne - Jaime coming out as genderfluid with his own parade

That's not the main thing, though. Seeing it like that, hearing the same things Cersei used to tell him growing up has done for Jaime what years of therapy have not managed. He's spent years and thousands of dragons coming to grips with the fact that he's not a freak for feeling sometimes like a woman and wanting soft things for himself, but he hadn't yet found the resolve to take the last step to be fully himself in public and bring the wrath of Tywin over his head.

Now he's angry enough at the treatment of his nephew to get the heir of the Lannister empire, at least until Tywin sees this, on the front page of all magazines dressed as a woman on the pride parade. He has a plan, he's kind of constructed his career around this moment without acknowledging he was doing it, has put the money his mother let him towards his own architecture studio and other small-time investments. Small-time for a Lannister but enough that he doesn't have to fear being left without resources. And neither does his cousin.

Jaime's also contacted an old friend and knows there is a place in the Martell float for him, ensuring maximum visibility because Jaime can do nothing by halves; if he's going to set his life on fire, he wants a bonfire the Seven can see from the heavens.

August:

Just as Sweet (just as thorny) - Jaime/Brienne - Secret identities, second chances, competency kink. It has all my faves

Jaime shouldn't be doing this.

He's going to be fired or punched, more than likely both. It will be no less than he deserves, he's broken the one rule of his department and he was already on shaky ground with Selmy after the whole Baratheon operation fuckup. If this gets back to him, and he doesn't fool himself that it won't, Jaime's as good as out of a job and not even his family name can save him this time. At the very least he'll be reassigned to the fucking Wall unit, something Selmy has been threatening to do for years when Jaime becomes especially obnoxious.

He looks at Brienne, her blue eyes wide and filling with tears, her entire posture radiating hurt and shock and anger and he couldn't care less. If she forgives him and gives him another chance, Jaime will present his resignation himself.

"Jay?" Brienne asks, her voice lost in the din of the club but he's seen her mouth shape that name enough times he can hear her voice in his head, down to the break at the end.

He leans forward again. "Jaime, my name is Jaime."

That's when she punches him.

September:

Skin Deep - Jaime/Brienne - Brienne owns a strip club asn it’s the most oblivious person on earth.

"She shook my hand," Jaime moans into his drink while Pia and Hilda laugh at him. It's Brienne day off and Jaime is there, sitting in her club surrounded by her employees and friends and missing her. Maybe she's really not interested, though he's seen her looking and there have been times when she was blushing and looking at his mouth, that Jaime was convinced he could just lean forward and kiss her and she'd kiss back, then those moments pass and he's back to wondering if he really is so out of practice flirting that she's not realized yet. If she wasn't interested she would just reject his advances, wouldn't she? "You all suck as wingmen and Brienne is the most oblivious person on earth. What do I have to do, dance naked in front of her so she realizes I want her!"

He groans into his drink when he sees the look Pia and Hilda exchange. "That's an excellent idea, Jaime. Roz! Satin! Come here!"

Jaime looks from one to the other and shakes his head vehemently. "No way. I am not doing that."

Famous last words.

October:

Hollow - Jaime/Brienne - The FMA AU I am not writing (and I keep not writing). This one is not posted because it insists on being a multichapter and I refuseto post it until I have at least another chapter done.

"Another fool," a voice says, low and all encompassing, and Jaime turns in the direction it came from to find nothing but a vague shape of a person, almost like a cutout of lines in the whiteness except for deep red eyes and the biggest ruby ever where its throat should be. "Who are you looking for, fool? Lover or family?"

Jaime narrows his eyes at the speaker. "Neither," he says, because Brienne is almost one of those things, but he's never had the courage to examine which one. "Who are you?"

"It doesn't matter, I've had many names since the beginning of time. I'm the World, and The Flames, and Truth, and Magic and Alchemy. I'm Everything and I am Nothing. " The eyes move past Jaime's shoulder and he turns to look, where there was nothing before now a huge door wreathed in flames stands. "And you, fool, are about to learn all I know."

November:

The Drowned Heart - Jaime/Brienne - an Old Guard AU where I make them suffer a lot. 

Brienne pushes herself up on her elbows to see him better. "Will I see you again?" she asks instead of asking him to stay.

"Of course you will, wench, I don't think I can stay away from you forever." He looks at her with some chagrin. "I might kill you again when I do."

"I don't mind," Brienne says, it's the truth. "As long as you kiss me again when I come back."

Jaime closes the distance between them in two quick strides and kneels next to her, hands tangling on her head as he presses their lips together. This kiss is the kind she remembers, the kind they have shared a million times just because they could. It's gentle and sweet, a slow exploration of her mouth, his tongue probing and teasing, and so very arousing. He kisses her, and kisses her until they both run out of breath, and then puts their foreheads together and the look in his eyes is so full of love she wants to cry again.

"I will always kiss you again."

December:

The Prodigal Son - Jaime/Brienne - A view of a good future through the eyes of an outsider. 

Spring had finally come to the Westerlands after the longest and harshest winter in memory, something Celys had not been sure they would live to see. The realm had been ravaged by war and cold and famine, too many people had died during that time, and even those living in Lannisport and the small towns surrounding Casterly Rock had felt the bite of hunger, something not even the Lannister gold had been able to keep at bay.

Now the snow had melted and the sun warmed them again, a new crop had been planted and there was a new Targaryen King in King's Landing, one with the blood of the dragons but raised as a northerner, and the Lord of Casterly Rock was his Hand.

And tagging @albatrossisland @ddagent @sdwolfpup @nire-the-mithridatist @scoundrels-in-love @wildlingoftarth @slipsthrufingers @angel-deux-writes and whoever else wants to do it!

[zodiactalks]

How You Really Get Over a Breakup Based on Your Zodiac Sign

Surviving a breakup is challenging, in fact it takes a whole lot of willpower and strength to get through a breakup unscathed. Life goes on after you break up with someone, however, some seem to get over the pain and heartache of a relationship breakdown much quicker than others. Is there some kind of special formula to getting through the terrible pain of a relationship breakdown? What is the secret of breakup survival? Is there a secret? Or do certain personality traits determine how quickly you will get over a breakup?

 Every breakup is unique therefore, the way one person handles the situation will most certainly be different from the way another person would handle it. One person might spend hours and days thinking about their ex and obsessing over what he/she is doing. Another person might totally erase that person from their memory and focus on developing themselves as a person. What really matters is the end result, you must heal. You cannot spend the rest of your life worrying about your ex or hoping that you will get back together.

 Breakups are traumatizing, they can turn your world upside down and make you doubt everything you ever thought was possible in life. Most people will certainly go through some kind of grieving phase where they feel totally shaken up, lost, alone and scared. However, time is a healer and as time passes, things will start to get better. Change is difficult and when relationships end, they can shake you to your core.

 When a serious relationship breaks down, it can make you feel like you have nothing left. Especially if you thought that person was going to be your lifelong partner, you will now need to reevaluate your whole future.

 You cannot always predict how you are going to respond to a breakup, you thought that you would be respond with poise and grace but you ended up staying in bed for days crying and watching Netflix.

 The way you handle a breakup could be determined by your Zodiac sign. Today we are going to analyse how you might deal with a breakup according to your Zodiac sign.

 Aries (March 21 - April 19)

Aries possess an uncanny ability to cover up their pain. As an Aries, you focus on other things to block out the reality of the breakup. You also don’t want to spend your time wallowing in self-pity therefore, you get busy and plan lots of interesting and time consuming things to do throughout the grieving process.

The Aries breakup strategy is to just keep moving, the more you busy yourself, the easier it will be  to get over the heartache.

Taurus (April 20 - May 20)

As a Taurus, you decide whether or not your relationship is over. When the final call has been made, there will be no turning back. To get over your breakup, you need to be comforted and pampered by your nearest and dearest. Luxury warm bubble baths, fine wine, expensive food and your favourite TV shows will help you to get over the pain.

Gemini (May 21 - June 20)

As a Gemini, your breakup plan is to get over it as soon as humanly possible. You will go out more and focus on meeting new people and switching up your whole vibe. This will be the perfect time to work on yourself, spice up your style, get a haircut and lose the weight that you have been meaning to lose for a while.

Cancer (June 21 - July 22)

You fall in love with intensity and passion, dealing with a breakup means lots of alone time. You spend your time writing poetry and emails that you probably won’t send. You might also binge-watch reality TV and indulge in your favorite ice cream. As a cancer you will get through your breakup by receiving lots of compassionate words and comfort from those you care about.

Leo (July 23 - August 22)

Leo’s are very proud therefore, as a Leo you deal with breakups by telling and retelling your breakup story to anyone who will listen. If your ex cheated on you then you will surely want some kind of revenge.

 Virgo (August 23 - September 22)

As a Virgo, your perfectionist nature you would have prepared yourself in advance for the breakup. You would have already analysed the relationship to find out where things went wrong. Then you would decide whether to work to get your ex back or to move on completely. As a practical person, you think logically so instead of spending time drowning in self-pity, you would rather do something else.

 Libra (September 23 - October 22)

Libra’s find it difficult to let go therefore, instead of completely cutting ties they will remain good friends with their ex and use their charm and natural charisma to draw them in.

 Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)

Scorpios find it difficult to get over breakups because they are such emotional beings. Their emotions will be fully heightened when their relationship ends, they feel rejected and unworthy. As a scorpio you might feel the need to get some kind of revenge. You are the kind of person that will wait until your ex has forgotten that you even exist then you will carry out your plan of revenge.

 Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)

Sagittarius can be very blunt and straightforward, if a breakup is needed, you will do it without a care in the world. If they break up with you first, you will move on quickly by moving or travelling abroad to meet someone new and totally move on from your ex in the shortest possible time.

 Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)

As a Capricorn, the healing process after a breakup will involve putting all your time and energy into your work. You will also use lighthearted humor to make things easier; there will be a sense of relief that you got out before you started to feel trapped in the wrong relationship with the wrong person.

 Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)

Aquarius like to shut their emotions off so when you experience a break up, you will do the same thing. You believe that everything will be ok and you will be perfectly ok without your ex. Aquarius cannot stand clinginess and neediness. They don’t like to rely on people for any reason therefore, going through a breakup will certainly not slow them down.

 Pisces (February 19 - March 20)

Pisces generally find it easy to forgive, if you are going through a breakup, you would have certainly tried hard to make the relationship work. You will feel like your whole world has been turned upside down and it will definitely take a while for you to get over it. Your recovery should include putting all your energy into creative outlets.

[queenlists]

A Year of Tate

A/N: We’re at 92! Thank you to everyone for the support, I really appreciate it! Almost to 100, I love it! I love you all. I can’t thank you enough.WARNING: abuse, character deaths, suicide, and murder. The normal AHS warnings. Also, this is a long fic! The masterlist will be located at the bottom in case you would like to check out more of my work! I hope you all enjoy this fic ✌

Post Date: 1/24/2020

JANUARY

He was different. Not in the quirky teenage boy kind of different, but he was a real ticking time bomb. He said things that I should have taken much more seriously, but I didn't. I never did. I always thought Tate Langdon wouldn't do that. He could never. He means well! I defended Tate with every bone in my body. I even defended him when my parents tried having me steer clear of him. He said he wanted to do two things: teach the school a lesson they'd remember and make a statement that'd shake the town or maybe even the country. I rooted for him, thinking it'd be something crazy. Something wild, but I never thought it would be this. My Tate? The boy I stole many kisses from. The boy who surprised me with my favorite snacks. The boy who told me he loved me every second of the day. I couldn't believe it. I still can't. Helping Constance move out of that evil house after Tate's funeral while Addie ran around the house was the least I could do for the Langdons. She allowed me to keep one thing of his, so I kept his sweater. I put it on as soon as I grabbed it. It still smelled just like him. I knew she was having a hard time living without him as well as she knew I was dying without him. Putting down a box, I sighed and looked at Constance. Even in grief, she held her head high and walked in strides. Constance turned to me with a small smile spread across her face, wrapping me up into a tight hug before putting her warm hands on my face, staring into my eyes with a smile "You're a good girl, (Y/n). You always have been!" This was one of the only times I could say I saw the mother in Constance.

We were ready to leave the house when all of a sudden Addie came running to me with the biggest smile on her face "Tate's here!" Sighing, I let her take my hand and lead me to wherever. Figuring that Addie was coping by playing pretend because there was no chance that Tate would be here, I willingly followed. However, much to my surprise, he was here. He was actually here! He stood there with that same goofy smile plastered on his face. His eyes lit up as they got familiar with me once again. My heart sank to my feet as I began to back away from the man I once loved. Holding onto Addie's hand tightly, telling myself that I'm crazy and that I am so sad that I must be making up images of Tate. His smile faded as his eyes began to water and redden before squeaking out "(Y/n)?"

I was gasping for air at this point. There was no way he could be here right now! I can still hear those heavy boots padding the floor. I can still see those heavy guns rushing to Tate's room. I can still feel them rip me away from Tate and take me out of his room. I can still hear those deafening gunshots. I can still taste my salty tears. I can still see the blood splatter that remained in his room before the cleaners made it. I remembered his death so well. Constance was moving houses. We were just at his funeral days prior. So, how is he was here perfectly the way he was before?

FEBRUARY 

"Never leave me," He whispered in my ear. His grip on me was tighter than it had ever been. "You can never leave me. You will never escape me," he muttered with a wicked grin before giving me a quick kiss on the nose. He's always had a weird way with words, but something told me he meant exactly what he said and meant it exactly how it was said. It's been a month since we reunited and he was different. His possessive words used to send butterflies to flutter around in my stomach, but now all they do is send chills up my spine. "Promise me right now that you're mine forever," he gripped my face in his hands as his eyes burned into mine. He began to uncomfortably squish my face in his hands as he shook my head "Promise me!" The tone in his voice startled me as I quickly nodded "I-I promise. I promise that I'll never leave you. I'm yours!" I gasped out, cocking an eyebrow at my dead boyfriend who laid down on his back pleased with my answer. I bit my lip as he stared up at the ceiling. He came back different. Very different.

MARCH

I drummed my fingers against the cardboard box as I tried to breathe. Sniffling as tears ran down my face, I've been pacing in this gas station bathroom for thirty minutes now. "Just use it, (Y/n)! There are only two possibilities: you're either pregnant or you're not," I muttered to myself in hopes of gaining some courage to take this test.

Finally, I was able to. I set the test down, refusing to look at it. I didn't want to know yet. I wasn't ready. I examined myself in the mirror. Who am I anymore? My face was blotchy and my eyes were reddened from the constant tears. My lip was busted along with bruises peppered up and down my arms. I pulled down my sleeves as I ripped my eyes away from the harsh reality. Tate Langdon has always been the same kind of person. Unstable and unpredictable. This time, he had nothing to lose. The nothing to lose part only made him even more dangerous and wicked. I was scared to leave him in fear of what he might do, but also I just couldn't bring myself to leave him as I loved him too much. Even if he hurt me.

Constance knew just what her son was capable of. She warned me to leave Tate. Hell, she warned me to leave Tate before his death! She knew who her son was. She tried. She tried and I thought she was the most cold-hearted person there was, but she was right. I should have left, but she knew just as well as I did that I couldn't bring myself to leave Tate. Addie never bothered to come over anymore once she saw what her big brother had done. "He hurt you! I'll never forgive him!" I remember her yelling as she ran home. I watched her leave, wishing I could do the same. Toss Tate to the side and move on, but I couldn't. I glanced at the test: positive. I slid to the floor, sobbing. He was always right there. Right here. Inside of my heart and now a part of him lived inside of me.

Coming home, I saw Tate waiting for me. Glaring at me from the window. Hatred and disgust burned in his eyes as he watched me stop walking and stand there on the sidewalk, looking at him. That look used to be foreign to me. Before his death, I only got smiles from Tate. His eyes used to light up at the very sight of me, but now..now that was history. That look of disgust and hate was the new norm. I remember when he first looked at me that way.

"Why are you looking at me like that?" I sniffled, wiping away the tears that fell during our fourth huge argument of the week. "You make me sick. I should've shot you when I had the chance!" Tate spat at me, shoving me away from him before storming out of the room.

Oh, how I wish he would have. We locked eyes for a few moments before he turned around, vanishing from the window. He didn't deserve to be a father. He didn't deserve anything good in life. I had to do right by my baby. I had to leave for good.

APRIL

I ran.

I ran as fast as I could.

I ran as I heard his voice rattle that old house to its core.

"Come back, you're all I have!"

Even after I turned the corner, I still ran.

I knew I was well out of his reach, but I kept running until I felt that I was safe.

I loved him.

I loved him so much that it hurt.

I loved him with every fiber of my body.

With every inch of my soul.

But, Tate Langdon was, is, and always will be bad news.

I should've known it sooner.

Why'd I ignore the signs?

No one comes back from the dead the same!

I should've left.

I should've left when Constance first told me to.

I should've left with Addie.

I should've left when he first hit me.

But, I didn't.

Now, I have to.

For you. 

"Bus 6290 arrived! If you are on bus 6290, please head towards the terminal with your ticket ready!"

I smiled at the sound of the staticky voice blaring through the speakers as I tried to catch my breath. Running a hand down to my stomach, I nodded "We made it!"

MAY

Settling into a new house can be rough alone especially when it's a new house in a new city in a new state!

The murder house was loud. Laying in bed, I could hear everything minus Tate screaming at me. I could hear everyone. It was so crowded and so loud day in and day out, but here it was quiet. It was just my baby and I. It was a relief. For once in months, I've had some relief.

I found a doctor here. Apparently, I've been pregnant since February! This baby is going to be born sometime in October. October was the month Tate and I made our relationship official. I remember telling Constance and Addie like it was yesterday:

"I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I told you mom, Tate and (Y/n) are in love!" Addie exclaimed, looking at Constance with a smug smile on her face. "Yes, I know. You were right. I just didn't think Tate would stoop so low," Constance rolled her eyes and took a long drag of her cigarette. "Why are you such a bitch, Constance?" Tate spat, shaking his head. "Oh please!" Constance scoffed. "You're so unbearable! Let's get out of here, (Y/n)" Tate grabbed my arm, leading me out of the house as Addie followed us. As Tate practically dragged me out of the house, Constance locked eyes with me as her eyes began to redden before she looked away with her head low.

I always took Constance's expression as she felt bad for ruining the announcement, but now I knew better. She was upset that I got wrapped up in the grasp of her beloved son.

JUNE, JULY, AUGUST, SEPTEMBER

Not much has happened these past few months. I got a job, fixed up a nursery, got the hang of keeping up with a house and bills.  I made myself and my son a home here. Now all there was left to do was wait until his arrival.

As I relaxed on the couch, my phone began to buzz beside me. Picking it up, I instantly began to smile "Hey Addie! How are you?" "Oh, I'm great. How about you? How's my nephew in there?" Addie and I talk every single day. We have for the past few months now. She cheered when I told her I left the state, telling me it was about time. She kept me up to date on everything including the family that moved into the murder house. The Harmons. Apparently, the daughter of the Harmons, Violet, is heavily involved with Tate. Addie told me that she went over there to warn Violet, but it was too late. She was wrapped up in Tate just like I was. 

"Would it be awful of me to admit that I'm jealous and that I miss Tate?" I muted the phone, facepalming hard as I realized I said my thoughts out loud. "You don't miss Tate. Not this Tate. You miss the old Tate," Addie explained, sighing at the end. She was right. I missed our memories. The laughter, jokes, music, dancing, and extreme puppy love. I don't miss the yelling, the dirty looks, the hitting, and the arguments. She gets to have those now. She can have them forever.

OCTOBER

I've had pains for a while now, but I've been pushing through. The pains aren't enough to set off any alarms in my doctor's head. They're normal at this point. Braxton Hicks are what they're called. Since everything checked out, I was given the go-ahead! This pregnancy had been easy so far. He is a quiet boy and I love that.

"Now, you should not be traveling at this point!" Constance declared through the phone. "We can come to you instead!" I smiled as I rolled my suitcase towards her house, unknowingly. "Too bad because I'm already here!" I laughed as I heard shuffling before the door swung open.

Constance didn't hesitate to hug onto me tightly with Addie joining in seconds later. I decided I've gone through this alone long enough and I was ready to have a family nearby when he decided to make his arrival.

-------

"I want to be a pretty girl, mom!" "No!" They were at it for so long now. I tried to intervene, but I thought it wasn't worth it. I've witnessed them go at it many times before. I didn't think this fight meant any real significance. I thought this would be forgotten in a day's time, but I was wrong.

I was so wrong.

Screaming, I watched as Constance began to drag Addie's lifeless body to that wicked house. "Constance, no! You know she would hate you for this. You know she would hate it there!" I knelt down beside Constance and pulled her hands away from Addie "She would be so unhappy, Constance. Let her go!" I sobbed before holding onto Constance. I should've done more. My vision blurred with tears as I looked over at Addie. My best friend was gone. I held onto my stomach as the Braxton Hicks began to intensify. Before I knew it, I was hunched over gasping for air as sweat dripped down my face. A paramedic grabbed me before I could hit the ground. I could hear Constance crying out, but my vision began to double as everything spun.

The world began to turn black as I frantically looked around. Through the swirls and distortion, I saw him. Tate. Just standing there, looking at me. He wasn't looking at me from inside of the house nor was he on the lawn. He was across the street, perfectly blending in with the rest of the gasping bystanders. He watched me with intensity. What the hell is going on?

---------

There was so much going on. I knew I was screaming, but I couldn't hear it. There was blood everywhere. I wanted to faint. I felt like fainting. Sweat dripped down my face as the nurse held my hand tightly. "What's happening" I manage to scream loud enough that I could hear myself. "You're having your son!" The nurse exclaimed, gently dragging her gloved thumb against my knuckles. Constance had her hands over her cheeks as she watched in amazement. My eyes wandered around the room until they found him. Tate was standing there in the corner of the room. I knit my eyebrows together and squinted at him. His eyes were watery and red-rimmed. His lips were red and swollen. His face was blotchy. Tears slid down his face like a constant running waterfall. He stood behind everyone else and watched the birth of his son. As I laid there, watching the birth of a new Tate Langdon.

NOVEMBER

The smell of freshly brewed coffee filled the air as Constance flipped pancakes "He's a growing boy! He needs his food," Looking at (B/N), I knew he wasn't a normal baby. I'm no expert, but something just isn't right. "He's a month old. I don't think he should be this big," I knit my eyebrows together as I watched my one-month-old son walk towards me. "He's a Langdon! Tate was the same way. They move fast. When is that girl coming over to take my grandson from me?" Constance handed (B/N) a player with pieces of pancake on it which he happily took. "You mean Violet?" I giggled, packing the last of (B/N)'s clothes "She should be over soon. Don't worry, he'll be back in a week. The Harmons are great with him," Constance rolled her eyes as she assisted (B/N) with his feeding.

--------

"It's past dinner time! (B/N) is asleep. That girl is no good! Tell her she can't take my grandson anymore. On Halloween, Tate can come over instead or you two can just communicate on that laptop screen. He is too fragile to be stood up at such an age! I would never trust-" Constance rambled on about how Violet lied and how she deserves another cupcake. Though, I'm not sure what kind of significance a cupcake is to their relationship. I never got cupcakes from Constance. Maybe Violet hates them? I don't know. All I know is that Violet never came and that just was not like her.

------

I refused to go back to that house and I refused to be alone with Tate. Violet knew this, so she agreed to bring (B/N) to Tate and back again. Every other weekend without fail, Violet would be there at the front door with a big smile on her face.

I grabbed my laptop and requested a video call from Violet, but it failed. Something was wrong.

DECEMBER

It's December. I don't ever hear from Violet anymore. The visitations stopped. I see Mr. and Mrs. Harmon in town and they always tell me she's acting weird at home as well. Every bone in my body told me to not do it, but I had to. I had to know what was up.

I stared at that wicked house, sighing before walking up to the door. Before I could open the door, I heard the infinite chatter. It was louder than I remembered. "It's fine. They're just restless right now. I sense more than before," Billie Dean sighed, looking at me. Constance recommended that I go to the house with Billie Dean as she is seen as a friend there. Steadying my breathing and regaining composure, I opened the door slowly. Stepping in, my body froze in place. I couldn't move. I couldn't take a step forward nor could I take a step back. "It's the trauma. You don't have to move any further," Billie rubbed my shoulder gently before proceeding to walk further into the house. "Violet!" Billie called out. Nothing. "Violet?" Billie called out again, this time a wave of concern washed across her face. As if she was hearing something or someone, something or someone that I could not hear. Billie looked at me defeated, whispering "Will you please show yourself?"

Show yourself?

Soon, Violet appeared with tears streaming down her face. Billie wrapped Violet into a hug as Violet began to sob loudly. "How did you pass?" My heart shattered as Violet pulled out her phone, waving me to come closer. There was no way that Violet was dead. No way! I carefully moved closer as we all watched the video.

The Harmons put surveillance cameras in every room including bathrooms after the house was broken into. Just so they could check footage from anywhere whether they were home or not. I watched as Violet took a lethal amount of pills. I watched as she laid down in the bathtub to die. I watched as Tate ran in, screaming and crying. I watched Tate try to make her puke it up. I watched Tate succeed, but it wasn't enough. I watched as Violet went limp in his arms. I watched Tate accept her death and drag her body out of the bathroom. Violet quickly ended the video afterward "I didn't really want to die. I couldn't accept it. My parents don't even know. Don't tell them, please!" Violet begged as she looked back and forth from Billie and I. Agreeing, we wrapped Violet in a big hug.

Losing Violet made me gain trust in Tate. He tried to save her. He tried his hardest. He did everything he could until the very end. Tate hid it from her in fear of what that news could do to her. He only ever blamed himself. Tate really was a new person. Where did all that evil disappear to?

JANUARY

"Constance!" I screamed as I ran, following the blood smears "(B/N)!" My heart sank as I followed the endless trail of blood. My throat ached as I screamed their names, hoping for someone to say something. Hoping for a sound. Hoping for a cry. Hoping for something! I pushed the door open that the blood seemed to lead to, bracing myself for the worst. Constance stood there in her silk robe as (B/N) sat on the floor in a pool of blood, giggling. A pool of blood that belonged to the babysitter I had hired for the night.

"I told you. Langdons don't play well with babysitters."

masterlist

[itsaviolathing]

2019 reflections

Wasn't sure where to put this so I'm gonna put it here because there are fewer people who know me in real life on Tumblr and this is kinda personal.

2019 has been a long year of ups and downs for me.

I started the year in a bad place, still getting over a really tough breakup from the guy who I thought was my soulmate.

January saw me rebound onto a guy I met on Tinder and resulted in a 2-month relationship which ultimately ended with me hurting the guy. On the bright side, I met some really kind and lovely new friends through Pat and I'm so grateful for their continuing friendship and support. January also continued to show me just how many friends I have and how much they care about me, which I had first realised just after the breakup in December. I will be forever grateful to those who saw me through such an emotionally difficult time and for their unwavering friendship. I would never have coped without them.

February saw my first instance of volunteering. I volunteered as an Events Manager with a charity called Action on Hearing Loss, and I had such a good time doing it. I put together a fundraiser for the charity, supported by the charity's fundraising manager for the North-West, which ended up being pretty successful and raised a fair amount of money. I was really proud of myself for this, and the whole process helped me become more confident in myself and gave me more direction for where my future is heading.

March saw me go back to the guy who I'd broken up with in the first place (bad idea, I know). It showed me that at that point I hadn't managed to get over him as much as I thought I had, and that I was willing to forgive him even after how much he hurt me. A few weeks later I broke up with him again, for good this time. I'd proven to myself that all the work I had put into getting over him had worked to an extent because I just couldn't love him anymore, even though I still cared about him immensely. This was ultimately a really beneficial experience for me as it gave me the closure that I so desperately needed from the relationship, as I hadn't been ready for the initial breakup and felt like a lot of things needed tying up.

April showed me that I was afraid to be alone. Since getting with Moray in November 2017, I had barely been single - we broke up in December 2018, I had rebounded onto Pat just under a month later, and got back with Moray a couple of days after breaking up with Pat. Even when I broke up with Moray again at the beginning of April, I already had someone else I was talking to which was heading in the direction of potential relationship. I realised that I only broke up with Moray when I felt like I had a somewhat-secure ship I could jump to (Sam), and I had been in the same situation when I broke up with Pat, knowing there was significant potential of getting back with Moray. This was a significant revelation for me and really made me evaluate my personal values and morals.

May was a really difficult month. Most difficult was dealing with Moray. After our break-up, his mental health spiralled and he quickly ended up in a dark place. He still trusted in me a lot, and knew that I cared for him too, and so I was on the receiving end of a number of phone calls whenever he was feeling suicidal. Some of these were daytime, others were overnight at all sorts of hours. By far the toughest was when he was actively going to do something and I talked him down over the phone while coordinating with his friends in his city to go and find him, and directed him to his local hospital for psychiatric help over the phone from a completely different city using Google Maps. Another especially difficult one was when I was woken at 4am and spent 2 hours talking him down and then messaging his mother in the morning to let her know the situation. Of course, I was happy to be there for him in his time of need but from a personal perspective it was incredibly draining and was detrimental to my academic work as well. I had to meet with my university academic advisor to talk about it because it was becoming difficult for me to manage alongside numerous academic deadlines I had in May. May saw me close myself off from people in my daily life because of these emotional struggles alongside having so much academic work to do, but I got through the month and ultimately did well in all my assessments and had managed to be there for a friend in need. May taught me that, while it can be good to be there for someone who needs support, it's so important to look after yourself first and foremost and that sometimes you're not the best person for the job. Moray managed to secure help from people whose job it is to provide that help, and he built up a local support network which reduced his need for me. I hope he will remain grateful for everything I did for him but I'm also glad that I'm not an integral part of his life anymore.

June saw me confirm what I want to do next with my life. I secured the role of Head Concert Manager for my university music society and June was the first time I was working in the role. I confirmed that I really enjoy working in Arts Management roles and I decided that this is the direction I want to take my life. I started to make plans for where I want to apply for Master’s courses and general plans for the next few years of my life, which has motivated me significantly and has provided something of a sense of security through the fact I have a plan now. 

July became another month of self-reflection and thinking about my morals. The guy I had been talking to, Sam, had invited me to stay over with him for a few days in his city. It was on this trip that I ended up being his first sexual experience, which wouldn't be a problem had he not been a no-sex-before-marriage Christian 😬 Even though I went to the effort of making sure it was absolutely his decision and trying to create a no-pressure atmosphere, I ended up feeling really bad about this because he regretted it happening. July also saw me think a lot about religion and whether it would be something I could get into but I eventually concluded that it's not something I can believe in and not something I feel compelled to get involved with.

August saw some of the best weeks of the year for me. Most significantly was the 10-days of being Social Staff with the National Children's Orchestra. This was definitely the best part of my year, and I had such a great time with new friends playing silly games and building new, strong bonds. I've found that I can't wait to be on NCO courses again next year and think of these people as some of my best friends, despite only spending a week with them.

September saw me and my tonsils part company, as they were finally removed. Recovery was rough but quick and I was back to myself quickly enough to be present as Peer Mentor coordinator on the first day of Fresher's week to register all ~80 of my department's fresher's. September also taught me that I need to be more trusting and less controlling, as my experiences as Head Concert Manager that month saw me finding it difficult to relinquish control to the Concert Managers, even though they were fully competent.

October saw me become properly single for the first time in almost 2 years. I ended things with Sam because we had fundamental disagreements and it was obvious the relationship was going nowhere, but we still remain good friends even now. Ending this was a little scary for me because I had lost the sense of security that a relationship brings, but this was made easier since the change had been gradual due to the nature of long-distance relationships. It had forced me to confront a lot of my inner feelings and thoughts on the matter and I ultimately learnt a lot about myself from this process.

November saw me become distant again due to academic work, after I spent 2 whole weeks avoiding social situations and spending time in the library as much as I could manage. Once again, this was ultimately successful because I did well in my coursework, but I did miss out on social situations as a result. November also saw me kinda fall for a guy in my department - that's a stronger wording than I really mean, I kinds just had a bit of a thing for him. It was the first time I'd had a crush in ages but I handled it well and confirmed I'm still fairly decent at flirting if I'm in the right situation 😅 November also saw me self-diagnose myself with potential dermatillomania, although I’m still not sure whether it’s just a bad habit or something medical and I’ve been too unsure to go to a doctor about it, but I think if it gets worse I’ll force myself to see someone.

December was another kinda difficult month. I had a couple of crises in which I found myself feeling like all my friends had people they preferred. For every friend of mine, I became aware that they had other people they would choose to spend time with over me, and that was a tough realisation. I think this came hand-in-hand with the whole being-single-for-the-first-time-in-2-years thing, because I had always been someone's 'favourite person' (in theory) while in a relationship and had always had someone there for me and looking out for me, and December saw me feeling like I'd lost that. December also saw me find out that the guy I had liked had actually liked me at the same time but nothing had ever managed to work out, which was a bit of a bummer.

Christmas and New Year's was spent with my family which is always a little difficult as we don't always get along so well, with New Year's being particularly difficult. I'm looking forward to going back to my uni city today (1st Jan 2020) and being with friends again and starting a new year afresh. My New Year's Resolutions/Improvements are to get fitter and healthier (through better diet and exercise) and to work hard on my academic work to do as best as I can in my final semester of my undergraduate degree.

2019 was a year of learning and personal growth. I learnt a lot about myself and spent a lot of time reflecting on myself, my values, and my morals, among other things. I came to terms with things that I had never really allowed myself to think about in the past, and I’ve ended the year feeling like I know myself a lot better than I did at the start of the year.  

2020 will be an eventful year and hopefully an exciting and rewarding one; I'm looking forward to finding out how everything plays out and hopefully have fun at the same time!

[everyday-effing-therapy]

31/12/2019

Hello,

The end of the year is approaching and, well...

I didn’t know what to do, I still don’t, but I wanted to write something, anything, during the winter break. Not to explain why I was gone, cause I think we all know, I was busy, school is hectic and my life can really have a go on me at times, but I just really wanted to write how I have been and summarize this year.

It’s a sort of every year thing that I do. You see, I am kinda stuck on dwelling on the past. It is a bad habit, but I am trying to change it into something good, trying to see the good things and be grateful for them.

I like summarizing my year, because I remind myself of so many amazing things that happened and it keeps me going.

Starting off where I left off, the last time I wrote was somewhere in the very beginning of October. From then on, a few things happened and some changed.

I finished my driver’s course and passed the exam for the license, which I have right now. I also own a car and have been driving it regularly every day for the last two weeks. That is one of the things I am the proudest of this year and I am eternally grateful that I managed to pass, cause that day will probably be one of the best of my life.

School work is going surprisingly nicely, I have the best grades since the moment I started it, actually, I have a quite pleasant situation especially in those “problematic” subjects for me, like Chemistry or Maths.

I also participated in the English competition and passed the first stage, the second one is on 10th of January. I am really proud of myself and really want to go further and further.

My prom partner and me have had a bit of a weird situation. He complimented me a lot and I wondered whether he would ask me out on a proper date, but then I remembered that I thought he had a girlfriend. I asked him about it and he admitted to having said girlfriend. I asked him to tone down the compliments and he eventually did so, which I am grateful for.

I don’t want his girlfriend to hate me and, truth being told, I had enough boy drama this year. 

Black and Marigold are almost dating at this point, she looks at him like I used to and he never dances with me anymore, unless he’s very drunk and even then it’s very rare. Our song stopped being our song and she probably loves him. Marigold is his prom partner, they talk a lot, he changed his style a bit to fit hers, she bought him a present for Christmas, he bought her a flower and she drove him somewhere after the Christmas Eve that I organized for my classmates.

It’s shit, to be honest, cause I wasn’t able to enjoy myself, cause well, I care about him and he’s the first to make me regret things, although I did them, cause I believed in said things.

I am jealous of them, but I know I can’t stand in their way, I have to find my own path and he is not a man for me (but I still dream about him, his smell always finds me and I can’t fall asleep not imagining being in his arms)

Christmas were fine for me, I didn’t study much during the break, which will probably be bad for me later on, but whatever. I rested, drove a lot, watched YouTube and some movies, even started reading a book and played a shit ton of phone games. 

The Christmas Eve was fine as well, our family dinner being small as always, cause it’s just me, my parents, my grandmothers, my uncle and my brother. It was nice, though, I got some presents; a book, some money, lingerie and crockery.

Today, I am going to party in my friend’s house and I hope it will be a nice end of the year (and a great beginning of a new one!)

I thought of great moments this year and well, January started a bit shit, as on New Year’s I got so shitfaced that my parents had to take me home and I cried the entire night from the pain. Later, it was better, I got a haircut, we organized a surprise birthday party for one of my closest friends, the students from the exchange programme came, I met my exchange partner and that was it. February was okay, a winter break in sight and a Valentine’s day, as it always is.

In March there started to be a few birthday parties, there was one where I went completely drunk again, but I had so much fun, I let loose, ate a bit, danced a lot and I remember it as one of the best nights this year. There was my nameday and then we went on the exchange. I met the exchange partner’s parents, the nicest people on Earth and I loved every second of the exchange. The weather was beautiful, albeit cold, we did a lot of sightseeing, interesting stuff and every night I was falling asleep exhausted, although happy. 

April was still the exchange month, some birthday parties including my dad’s and a lot of school work. Really a lot.

In May I learnt that I won’t be going for an exchange program to the US for the following school year and I cried a lot, cause those were the finals and I wasn't even shortlisted. They searched for someone different and stripped me of the chance. I wondered where I would be right now, mentally and physically, if I went to the USA. Had I got in. 

May was okay except that. There was SIlver’s birthday party that I really enjoyed and on that party I believed that he would date Marigold and I accepted that. Then, I started my driving course and later, I went on a school trip to the seaside. It was a nice trip, I enjoyed it and I will keep it in my mind as a good memory, although it did make me tired, mentally and physically.

In June the school year ended, I started this blog, fell for Black, attended a heckton of birthday parties, danced to the same song with Black, flirted with Silver and was very high and very low at the same time. 

July was missing Black and wanting to see him again. July was the sleepover at my friend’s and inviting Black to prom, and also, Silver holding me close in the middle of the night. It was the month of me and my friends’ trip to the seaside and making memories, becoming friends, rather than lovers.

August was my birthday, one of the best days of my life and the trip to the Maldives that I wanted so much. And missing Black more.

September, the start of school again, a lot of stress, a lot of new classes and additional ones, big changes in the methods of studying, talking with Black, the entire drama with him cheating, falling for him even more, the failed conversation and the moment, when it started going down. Good grades, I had my birthday party for my friends too and it will be a very bittersweet memory, probably forever, although if anything, sweeter than bitter. In September I also found a prom partner, found out that Black invited Marigold, I befriended my prom partner and tried finding myself.

In October I applied for the university abroad. Cause life’s worth living and my demons won’t have it easy drowning me. I also befriended Black’s ex girlfriend, Lily, and we had a rather deep talk. A really important one.

In November I went on a sushi night with my friends from French. It was like taking a deep breath after a long diving. In November, I passed the exam for my driver’s license.

December was the month of realization. That the year has passed. That I lived more in my head than outside and that still so many things have happened. That I am sad, but maybe in the future I will not remember that, cause I see the greatness of things and I am grateful for them. In December there were Christmas and dancing waltz with my prom partner, Marigold with Black and me trying to be a better person. With the hopes of better tomorrow. 

This year was so full of tears and so full of laughter, full of love and bearing a grudge, trying to forgive somebody and not being able to forgive yourself, full of rest and tiredness, both good and bad. It was the year of pride and proving myself. It was the year of being really human. 

I don’t have any resolutions, I’ll try to be a better friend, a more honest human and do a January yoga challenge.

I’d wish to be happy one day and until then, I live off the short moments of joy that life grants me.

I am still eternally grateful.

Have a great New Year’s eve and an amazing New Year.

Take care,

C

[live-fully-alive]

How to take care of yourself seasonally

💞☀️🍁☃️🌸🌾💞

Summer☀️🌻🥀🌳🎆

Vitamin D, beach trips and hikes, growing produce/herbs and harvest, late nights stargazing, fireworks, baseball games, loud cicadas in the heat of day that you can't ignore, swimming in the pool or just sunbathing, long days, smells of mown grass or tropical things, bees buzzing, everything is loudly alive. Whatever you do during summer, this is a season to live fully and unapologetically, and finally rest in the warmth.

June - July - August: What is ripe?

- Green beens/Snap bean (June - Sept)

- Peaches, Watermelon, Cantaloupe (July)

- Sweet corn on the cob (July - Aug)

- Zucchini (May - July)

- Peppers (July - Oct)

- Blueberries (July - Aug)

- Raspberries (July - Sept)

This is a great time to find recipes that are light on the stomach or cool you down! Enjoy all the fruit! In the summer people eat a lot of tropical tastes, avocado, and seafood.

June - July - August: Ways to get moving~

- Make a day/weekend beach trip and play in the waves, go biking along the water, go on a beach hike, (or if you have money for it go all out and pay to go scuba diving, rent a boat for fishing, or do ocean parasailing)

- Swimming in your local (or a friend's 😉) indoor or outdoor pool

- Mowing your lawn with a push mower (be careful of the heat, though!)

- Work in your (or a community) garden

Other self care ~

- Let this be a season to really enjoy the warmth and how it is easier on your body.

- Remember sunscreen in this season while you soak in the sun and get vitamin D! 🌞

Fall🍂🍁🌄🌫️🎃🍵

A time of grilling outside in the cooler air, football season for those who watch, camping, fall leaves, crisp air, colorful hikes, raking up leaves and cleaning the yard before the winter, finishing the harvest season, apple picking, warm cooking with loads of spices to keep you warm. This envigorating season gets our hearts pumping and has us thinking about what and who we are thankful for.

September - October - November: What's ripe?

- Raspberries (July - Sept)

- Peppers (July - Oct)

- Zucchini (Oct - Dec)

- Grapes (Aug - Oct)

- Pumpkins (Sept - Oct)

- Apples (Aug - Nov)

- Cranberries (Sept - Nov)

With all the fall spices and fresh produce, spend time finding healthy, delicious recipes that are are full of flavor and keep you warm.

September - October - November: Get Moving~

- Go pick your own pumpkins from a pumpkin patch. Get lost in a corn make while you're out. (Bonus points if you take your pumpkins home to carve them yourself)

- Go hiking! Breathe the fresh air and see the colorful trees (the last weekend in October and first weekend of November are the best times to see them in the NC mountains)

- Go on a day trip to pick apples 🍎 (drink some cider!)

- Visit the fair (but don't get sick off the fair food)

- Visit a vineyard and walk the land

- Go camping

- Fall cleaning - Throw away clutter and clean the yard before the winter hits.

Other self care ~

- Start to take notice of the people and things you truly love and are thankful for. Some people even like to keep a gratitude journal to train their brain to notice those things more.

- Cold and flu prevention is important in this season. So wash your hands, drink plenty of water, and take your vitamins.

- Bake! This is as much about nourishing your body with good nutrition as it is about reveling in traditions and nostalgia.

- As the days get shorter and colder, soothe yourself. Get cozy clothes and have your favorite teas, coffee, or warm drinks. Then curl up with a good book or movie.

- Volunteer: As this becomes the season of giving, take time to give to others in a new way! Maybe it will be something you continue to do!

Winter ☃️🍵🌲🎁❄️

A time to turn inward and become a little more introspective.

December - January - February: What's ripe?

- Citrus (Dec - May)

- Things that store well such as root vegetables (carrots, potatoes, turnips, etc)

- Winter squash (Sept - Dec)

- Kale (Oct - Dec)

Winter can be the best time to cook! Take time to find delicious recipes that are healthy and warm during this time.

December - January - February: Fitness

- Winter sports! Downhill and cross country skiing, ice skating, sledding, ice fishing

- Enjoying the snow: Building a snowman, go on a walk to see the fresh snow, make a snow angel, building a snow fort, or having a snowball fight

- Indoor activities such as indoor soccer or volleyball, swimming at an indoor pool, hot yoga, indoor gym or fitness classes

- Go walking at the mall to avoid the cold.

- Take a dance class or just go dancing (salsa? swing?)! Winter is the season that has Valentine's Day after all! 💃💃

- Lastly, due to the new year starting in this season, this is a great time to re-vamp your fitness routine or well-being goals! Anytime is a good time to start over, but there is a lot of excitement about doing that during this season and it might just be the motivation you need!

Other self care ~

- Lungs are very important in the dry, cold winter months. Warm showers (or splurging and going to a sauna) is great for the lungs.

- This is also a good time to fill up with antioxidants due to the easy access to in-season citrus, well-storing carrots, and ripe kale (*Vitamin C and zinc are great for the immune system, important during the cold and flu months!)

- Treat yourself to indoor fun like going to the movies with a friend or visiting a museum. Read books and be cozy.

- Let this be a time of introspection, self forgiveness, and self care. Get cozy inside and watch all those Christmas or sappy Valentine's movies. 💅😄

Spring🌷🌷🌸🌱☔

If winter wasn't, this is the season of new starts as life begins again! This is a time of hope, baby animals, colorful flowers, spring cleaning inside and out as you start afresh, planting for the year and the spring produce!

March - April- May: What's ripe?

- Strawberries (May)

- Peas (May)

- Lettuce (Apr - June)

March - April- May: Get moving ~

- Spring cleaning - inside your house, and in your yard

- Plant your outdoor (or indoor) garden. Choose what you want to grow, dig up the dirt, and plant.

- Go biking. The spring weather is perfect for that!

- Go camping.

- Playing tennis or going on a gentle walk is incredibly healing in this season, when your body is craving sunshine and Vitamin D.

Other self care ~

- Bring the flowers inside by buying yourself flowers! If you can't plant a garden, plant some herbs by your window or buy a houseplant! 🌱

- Spring cleaning doesn't just have to be of your house or yard. It can also be of your time, your habits, and your relationships. 'Unfollow' those people you never talk to, don't spend time where you don't need to or it is not helping you, decide who stays in your life or who doesn't, declutter your life. 💕

[twilightvolt]

I kinda was saving this for when i had the time to type everything out in one go, so let’s just get this over with before Smash drags me back into the depths of hell. XD

So, like, things happened back in 2017. a lot of things. graduated highschool, felt the winds of freedom as i stepped into the world of adulting and.....fell into a deep abyss of crippling depression as my life took a rather....wild turn to say the least. these feelings would linger and continue to haunt me throughout the majority of 2018. if you’d like to hear them or just need a refresher, my 2017 summary WITH that in depth description is on my DA that i no longer use cuz all i can think of when i go there is that year as a whole.

That’s not to say the year was cruddy, though. it really looked up by the end and it’s been one of the better years of my life as an artist. i’m about to go into that, so sit tight if you wanna actually read everything.

January: Arcus ~Collab with KLou

Things got heated at grandma’s after the holidays and we left in a huff cuz yeah, big fight the night before. it wasn’t something i ever wanna remember, but i gotta acknowledge it happened. thus began the struggles of living life as a nomad basically. From this point on until May, i won’t say much about our situation cuz honestly, time grinded to a halt after hotel life began.

February: Let’s Save the World

Believe it or not, this was a mobile drawing. i still didn’t have my tablet or my computer, so i tried using my phone for awhile. this was, of course, after i got Digimon Story Cyber Sleuth Hacker’s Memory for PS4, so this right here was my Dracomon babu Takumi, named after the former wearer of the goggles i equipped to him.

March: Let’s Kick It!

A brief moment of light as i fINALLY GOT MY TABLET BACK ONLINE! i felt like things were going to be different, we’d finally get somewhere and i felt like i could do anything again! this drawing, while super simple since it was just me around most of my current OCs at the time, was meant to represent me being back in business after around 4 or 5 months of being restricted to traditional work, a medium i, at the time, didn’t have much development in. (although, those months sure did help me learn how to draw that way in more than just sketching. so i’m actually kinda grateful i was stripped of the tools that i realize i may or may not have taken for granted.)

April: Spyro the Dragon

The Reignited Trilogy was announced and that’s why i drew that cuz literally everyone was doing Spyro fanart. i remember also doing a bunch of little doodles of other people’s characters in this same coloring style since some of the drawings i did before like the mobile drawing and my traditional work gave me inspiration on how to go about doing this new watercolor/marker like style that i started to experiment with throughout 2016 and ‘17.

May: Memories in Pieces

Remember how i said time grinded to a halt after hotel life began? yeah, this is where it reeeeaaally started to effect me. the days dragged on and blended together, we STILL could secure a home to house all of us and it just felt like my life was just....over. like, all the important stuff happened and now my story’s just done. it didn’t help that memories from the year before decided to come back and hang over me like an undying demon cloud. my anxiety and depression couldn’t have been higher. and yet i still managed to wake up. in fact, i woke up bright and early every day somehow. it felt like there wasn’t anything to believe in and yet....i still had hope that we could get through this. i knew deep down we weren’t gonna be completely out of luck.....but i still hurt at the same time.

I never uploaded this drawing anywhere, but this was, to put it simply, partly a new direction for a future project but also a vent art of sorts, representing the negative thoughts and regrets that never seemed to leave me alone no matter how much time has passed.

June: Digimon Atlas Adventures Ultima Vocal Collection

My second commission ever made since i opened that month. it was also the first time i really cel shaded along with made a logo since the year before. this day marked the turning point along with the end of my depression for the most part as the parents finally gave up and took...some of us down to Florida. a couple of siblings had jobs to keep up with, so they had to stay back in NY with.....eghh....grandma. to this day, i’m still hearing stories even if some of them eventually found their own place. i swear, the more i hear about what’s going on, the less i wanna go back to NY. >_>’

July: Drake ~Art Fight 2018

Oh yeah, we moved down to FL, but we were still in hotels IN FL, so there was change, but still pretty similar circumstances. we quickly found a place at some point, though. a cozy apartment complex that i’m happy to live in.

This is when Art Fight began....or rather when it was supposed to begin cuz they had technical difficulties for the first week or so. the day i revamped Drake for it was like i was saying hi to an old friend after parting ways years prior. it was a really fun experience that i’d gladly partake in again next year if i’ve got the time.

August: Gathers Under Night...

A very ambitious looking piece i did as an attack against a friend during Art Fight. it was my favorite attack i ever did and could quite easily be my favorite drawing from this year. after leaving hotel life behind me, i rarely, if ever, had war flashbacks or anxiety over the past. i felt like my life was finally getting somewhere again. for real this time. and that it did, thankfully.

September: Lost in Thought

A gift i made for a longtime friend and art senpai to try and cheer them up. i still look back at this and think “yeah....this is the style i’ve been longing to emulate. and i’ve finally achieved it.” granted, it took a lot from Kingdom Hearts II’s title screen, but where do you think i got my love of watercolor from?

At this point, i started to become a new person. i mean i already was considering the summer also involved me trying to become a little less total weeb at least in terms of music taste and also leaving my hoodie lifestyle for a good few months, but yeah. in fact, i think this was the month i buzzed off all my emo hair and really ended up resembling how i looked like back when i was little, anime cowlick and all.

October: The Lethal Protector

Oh yeah, Venom happened. i should’ve disliked that movie with all it’s flaws and unused potential, but instead i wholeheartedly stan it and i luv the portrayal of Eddie and Venom to the point where i forgive where it went wrong.

Yeah, i completely moved on from everything that tied me down at this point. i yeeted the past into the stratosphere and focused solely on what i wanted to do now. what my next move was. and i can thank these two losers for helping me stay focused on my craft. i also kept branching outside of Digimon. i wanted to be more than what i used to be.

November: My Favorite Ninja Frog

Didn’t do much this month, so all i had was a doodle of my starter partner for Pokemon Y. i never evolved him past Frogadier cuz i preferred him over Greninja. it was the tongue scarf, dude.

Why? ehh, it was most likely Warframe. i got into that game at some point cuz a friend persuaded me to do it. i don’t regret anything. i luv this game when i’m playing with friends.

December: Draw Your Roster Ultimate: The Winds of Reunion + Holiday Arcus

The Winds of Reunion cuz Wind Waker and the fact that everyone including Wolf, Young Link and even Pichu returned to Smash Bros. when Ultimate happened. this game cured my depression, cleared my skin and reignited my love for Starfox oddly enough since Starfox Zero AKA 64 with a new coat of paint and motion controls that weren’t as bad as you think didn’t exactly do it for me. i haven’t been so content with the way things are in a long time and i’m happy i finally got my hands on this treasure of a game. now, to wait for Kingdom Hearts III. ;w;

And now we finally get to the end of this long as heck recap. thank god Tumblr gives you unlimited characters, amirite? XD

Overall, this was a year of recovery and rebirth. it was a long and rough winding road, but in the end i think i’ve healed enough to finally get on with my life.

I’m not the same kid i used to be when i graduated highschool, and i’m definitely not the same kid i was when i was first starting out as an artist. my journey has been full of ups, downs and all arounds and it was all a much needed learning experience. even if i felt like i was suffering at times.

My future is mine to decide, and i’m not letting anything stand in my way again.

For the future i want to believe in.

[adventuresofwei]

Let Me Be Kind

[Never cruel, never cowardly. Remember hate is foolish, and love is always kind.]

January: Turning 24 promised greater things. Turning another year older just as the world grows another year older seems like I was meant to do greater things. If you were to ask me at 15 where I would be by now, this is probably not where I thought I would be. But I really have no complaints. I was  happy, had a stable job, and somebody who cared for me. Maybe I wouldn't end up alone after all. Amarrame - Mon Laferte ft. Juanes

February: Sometimes there seems to be more questions than there are answers. And the worst part was that I was mostly afraid of asking the questions that needed to be asking. Sometimes, that is what we do though; we turn a blind eye to the questions that scare us the most, because mainly, we are too scared to be right about the answer we don't want to hear. Don´t Wanna Fight - Alabama Shakes

March: So this is what it feels like to be brave? Brave enough to ask the questions that are necessary, to leave relationships that are toxic to us, to learn to forgive, and to learn to hurt the time that is necessary. Always remember that we suffer only because we want to. I think more than anything, I learned to be brave with the questions that I needed answers to because, not only was it the right thing to do, but because it was also the healthy thing to do. Un Pacto - Bersuit Vergarabat

April: I think my most creative outbursts have been juxtaposed to moments of immense uncertainty and sorrow. I don't think I have learned how to deal with pain and hurt; but I have learned how to use my work as a displacement for pain. The more I worked, the less time I had to think. There are two types of people in the world: the overthinkers, the ones who aren't I was the former. And I still am. But now, we have a different word for it: workaholic. Dreams - Fleetwood Mac

May: The magic of time is a very powerful force. Time heals most wounds, teaches us how to be patient, makes wine age better… But more than anything, time teaches us that we should strive for better each day. I think time has taught me to be more humble, each day that passes by. Look What You've Done -- Jet

June: Life is wheel, and you must roll with it. What is born, is born to die. And to die, means to be reborn again. It is a tale of coming and going. Lost Stars -- Adam Levine

July:  My daddy will always be larger than life in my eyes and in my life, and I forever his little girl. A lot of who I am and where my life is headed is because of the example he's given me. And the older I get, the more I realize how much of him I take on. I'm told he was loved by many, for how kind and gentle he was, and I can only hope to do the same in my lifetime. And with this, I say goodbye to the city that has made my dad, seen his life and passing, and the city that I love so much. I will forever carry the kindness of you all in my heart. Awake My Soul -- Mumford and Sons

August: Did the last two months even feel real? Was this whole year real? Can You Feel My Heart -- Bring Me The Horizon

September: Nostalgia is dangerous. Because it tells tricks us into thinking that things were better then. It makes us believe that the bad really wasn’t that bad. Being nostalgic and realistic is tough. It’s a constant battle between missing something so much that you can be consumed by it, but also realizing that you’re not the type of person to fall once again into the past, no matter how good the picture seemed to be painted. I am different now than who I was back then. I know I could never go back, but sometimes, I just wish I were a little bit more naive. Maybe then I could be happy. I am not sure of how the universe works, but I suspect my daddy is out there looking out for me. He’s probably stressed as fuck. Thank you for keeping me safe when I was sure I was going to die. Is This Still Love -- Danny Jones

October: October was always exciting to me. It may not be fall in the southern hemisphere, but it was definitely how I associated it. October meant crispy leaves, falling again once more. October meant cinnamon-everything. October meant that the end of the year was closing in. Lorelai Gilmore, in the Gilmore Girls revival says in the third episode, “I thought I knew exactly what I wanted, where I was going, what I was doing, and why I was doing. But lately, things seem hazier.” I am still growing into my skin and accepting who it is that I am, flaws and all, but this is the month where I learned how important it is to be kind above all else. Let me be kind, let me be kind. Cold Song -- Good Charlotte

November: I’ve always thought that at this age, the ripe age of 24, I would finally have a handle on what it means to be an adult. I’m nowhere near prepared for what the world is about to launch at me, and yet, I still find myself here, fighting. Because, in reality, there is nothing else. I still find myself sad about things that don’t matter anymore. Still Young -- Neon Trees

December: The beautiful balance of having a stable economy, a rewarding social life, and an exciting romantic interest is nonexistent. It is like the omniscient green light in The Great Gatsby -- a myth, and forever unattainable. I am excited about where my life is going professionally. I have regained a newfound interest in what I want to do and what I am doing at the current moment. I have loving friends and have found a niche in which I feel most comfortable. I am opening my horizons as much as I can. BUT,

I am too tired to be waiting for a love that is only half of one. I am too tired of waiting for the penny to drop. I am growing weary, just as much as I am growing old. I have too many things that I am already worrying about, and to add to that kind of stress really isn’t worth my time. I am worth more than just a few messages left on read, and I am most definitely worth more than just the shitty excuses I have been making for people for their poor behavior. But nobody tells you how much it sucks to be on the receiving end of an unrequited love. Nunca es Suficiente -- Natalia Lafourcade ft. Los Angeles Azules

And so, for the following year, I wish for myself nothing but growth. Happiness will come when it must, and as for the rest, I will settle for nothing less than butterflies.

[monarch-moon]

I lost a lot this year...let's get that out of the way first and foremost. What was supposed to be the start of a new life ended up crashing hard, and that sealed my fate on how the rest of this year would flow. I've gained health issues, I've gained anxiety, I lost friends, I lost my drive, and furthermore, I lost myself. Even now I still haven't found my new self entirely, and thus, the hiatus marches on. However, let's do something new. Let's talk about the things I've gained. I gained new friends I gained stronger connections to some of my older friends I gained a new truth about myself, even if it pained me deeply I gained new games I gained new ideas and new creations I gained a newfound view of my old home Even when I have found myself to be less forgiving of other people now, I still found forgiveness in the one person I said I would never forgive, my mother. This year may have TECHNICALLY been worse than 2016, a year that was absolutely shitty for the lot of us, the truth of the matter to me is that 2017 was actually a better year, because of the things I gained and the growing up I did. Now I can take a more realistic approach to my dreams, which are thankfully still intact after everything that went on this year. This whole anxiety bit bites ass, and I've been more prone to depressive breakdowns, but I've gotten better at pinpointing the causes and thinking carefully about the future, even if, admittedly, that caused me to overthink to hell and back on a bad night. But the time comes where I start thinking on where to take my life and my goals next. I don't have to kill myself for any of that, in fact, I can give up as easily as walking out the door. Of course...after a lot of thinking and making sure with myself.... I'm not gonna do that. January- Manlukhist City concepts The experimenting, the change. I didn't do much that month. February- Shisenota Cover Redux That time, I thought it was approaching the time for me to begin, though of course it wasn't. Never stopped me from pushing my limits, and that remains as one of the best city backgrounds to date. March- The Three-way canvas: Diurnal Dreamers The month Phyrixa Nocturne was renamed into the Diurnal Dreamers. Not gonna lie, it was kind of an interesting time. April- INTERMISSION: The Eyes Which Overlook Hesitation The last time I cared about Nextale, the Undertale AU I used to work on. A few months later, I would finally gather the courage to give it up and tell everyone. It paid off, as I saw who the true fans were. May- Shion's New Hairdo The month I moved back in shambles, and motivation was in the negatives. This was probably the ONLY thing I did around May that I could find, and it's a cute hairstyle, indeed. June- .COM: Determined to Restore A brief re-entry into the digimon fandom after LinK's demise. It was...the shortest run, but it pulled me through a dark time and reconnected me with a few friends I thought I lost back in BnB. While looking back at this group isn't...the most pleasant of things, I can say that it actually gave me the key to further expand on my artstyle, so thank you .com! July- The Smiling Arsonist The month ArtFight took place. That was a HELLA fun time, attacking people by drawing their characters, and getting attacked by all sorts of Kotaru, Dusk or Quinn arts! This character belongs to PUNX-Simon and they provided me with one of the BEST pieces of Quinn I ever received  Hell, I still have that as one of the wallpapers my computer cycles through <3 August- Song of the Bluebird One dream is all it takes for a new world to be created. Around that time, I dreamt up the premise of Song of the Bluebird, and dusted off a character over a decade old named Menos. I originally thought this was gonna be a simple project, but boy was I wrong when I found myself unsatisfied with how TOO simple it was. I do wanna get back to this project, though. September- ENTER- Kotaru Koronum This was probably the peak before the crash. In one server, there was a weekly challenge where we could introduce a character of ours, and of course I chose Kotaru. Boy did I went all out on the shading on this one....though you should've seen the original sketch of those legs, good lord. October- Dysfunctional Paladins One of the last pieces I did before the ultimate crash, though technically, this was a collab piece XD Still came out so goddamned good, holy shit. November- Thoughts Literally the only real piece of work I did in that roller coaster of a month. It was a really bad month, and only a small handful of folks know just how bad it was. December- Warframe- The Hand and the Will Of all the things to help me cope with this crash, help came in the form of a free to play game that I was initially never interested in! Warframe is without a doubt one of my favorite games of all time, especially in recent days, and it honestly helps me get some ideas flowing in another department. The community is one of the nicer ones I've been in (even though I main a rather controversial frame), and this journey throughout the Origin System was one fun roller coaster I never expected to have, especially after the Second Dream questline. This game has my heart and my loyalty, and I look forward to playing it for the years to come. I don't like making promises or new years resolutions...but hopefully 2018 will be the year things will actually progress, and if not, then I hope that whatever I gain will be worth it. Thank you, 2017. You may not have been the best year, you did help me.

[asexualbookbird]

2017 Best Happenings Tag

I was tagged by @onceuponabookblr​! Lets see how much I can remember! Chronic illness leaves my memory a big foggy mess so I’ll probably miss some early things ;;

JANUARY

Two of my Best Friends pitched in and got me a 2DS and Pokemon moon so I spent a lot of the month playing through that :’D

Angry Cheeto Inaugurated into office, not a Fun Time

I walked in the Women’s March in Boston, it was a piece of history I”m proud to be a part of

FEBRUARY

First time I increased my step goal with fitbit because I was consistently hitting my goal every day

Continued making fun of and fighting Trumplestiltskin so I didn’t Die

MY ALL STAR HIGH TOPS ARE BLACK AND FRAYED, LIKE MY SOUL

I had to stop posting in the Sock Sunday tag on instagram because foot fetishists kept finding me :’)

But i also got to explain to @martinandtheirbooks​ about Boston’s Makeway for Ducklings!!

this month was weird

MARCH

Continued my pokemon journey

Finished the shitshow that was NCIS (1/10 would not recommend)(that 1 point is because of Abby)(and Ziva but they treated her so terribly I’ll never forgive them)

had a fun trip to the ER that had me going on a new medication that has honestly changed my life for the better

I made a lot of yummy food this month, included cinnamon rolls which I’ve stored the recipe for when I’m sad

APRIL

the month i realized i accidentally made an OC that looks like Johnathan Coulton ;;;;;

COMMUNITY GARDEN OPENING DAY!!!! 

hey did u know sasuke wore those arm things snot bc he was a Fashionista(TM) but bc he specialised in fire jutsu

Bastille’s Glory recorded Live at Capitol Studios dropped and my friends that is a J A M

I watched that dragon maid anime everyone was talking about and it was good 10/10 would recommend

MAY

MY BIRTHDAY ~**~ i ate a burger and had a cupcake it was a nice time

we went to a comedy show for mothers day and it was okay he liked Les Mis and started belting out songs

I READ OF FIRE AND STARS AND I’M STILL GIDDY ABOUT IT

my dog got a wicked bad haircut :( (hes fine now tho!!)

JUNE

I LOVE JUNE BC MY FRIEND INVITES ME TO PROVINCETOWN FOR A WEEKEND AND WE SPEND THE TIME COLLECTING DEAD THINGS AND EATING GOOD FOOD

I finally made those origami lucky stars!! I always tried in middle and high school and failed every time but for some reason I got it to work :’D

i READ MASK OF SHADOWS AND LOVED THE HECK OUT OF IT 10/10 DO RECOMMEND

JULY

I went to a free ukulele class at the library and finally put mine to good use

i had an endoscopy and i dont remember anything except the aftermath was Not Fun

BINX’S SECOND BIRTHDAY!!!!

the Mothership and I went to Roger Williams zoo to see the elephants

this happened :(

AUGUST

I ACQUIRED A LIZARD WIFE IN POKEMON MOON

took the doggo on a lot of walks to the park

I made That Post which helped me decide to start this blog lmao

TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART SUN

I joined a running group at my local Y to help myself get in shape and maybe combat some chronic illness stuff!

SEPTEMBER

went to king richard’s faire, wasnt the best of times but was’t the worst either

i rewatched the office 4/10 really not my thing

I MADE HOMEMADE SCALLION PANCAKES THEY WERE DELICIOUS

Continued with running club!!

OCTOBER

I was approved for disability after four years so I finally have a tiny bit of income each month so I don’t have to rely on the Mothership for meds and food (also why im finally able to hold my giveaway!!)

BINX’S ADOPTAVERSARY MONTH!!!!

I heard Kesha’s song “Praying” for the first time and I legit burst into tears

I was also able to finally get a new phone that I don’t have to charge three times a day (the camera isn’t great, but i have my eyes on an actual camera >-> )

THIS IS HALLOWEEN halloween was actually kind of dumb this year i couldnt find my copy of beetlejuice so i stayed up all night watching ghost adventures

NOVEMBER

I RAN A 5K i was dead to the world and couldnt breathe for two days after bUT I DID IT!!!!

I made this blog!! It was something I was thinking about for a while but I’m happy I finally have a main book blog I can send messages from and follow people back with!!

I made creme brulee and while the brulee part was kind of a fail (we need a blow torch) it tasted like french vanilla ice cream so i’m calling it a win

I watched Wentworth and it was....A Show....I hope Netflix gets season 6 holy heck

DECEMBER

ISN’T OVER BUT I’M STILL KICKING

I actually continued to run even after run club ended

I went to a friends house for a sleepover party thing and it was fun I got to pet cats and eat food 

SO MANY BOOKS THIS MONTH?? I’m actually gonna have to post a book haul post at the end of the month I haven’t had to do that in a g e s 

Wow this would have taken a lot less time if 1) my memory wasn’t awful and 2) if i didn’t have to keep closing facebook every five minutes because it freezes

I’m gonna tag a bunch of people in my notifications, feel free to ignore this if you wish! @timetravelbypen @booksandwoollysocks @artemistartarus @northernreads @abookandacoffee 

[kemerutsstuff]

Part 2

Unforgiven

I believe in forgiveness, in wishing those well who have hurt me. I’m going to make you an exception. Because the truth is I hope to God you suffer every heart ache you put me through. I hope when the darkness comes for you, it will hit you twice as hard as it hit me. And I hope you will curse my name, knowing I was the one who sent it.

— Lang Leav

Sad Beautiful Tragic (Part 2)

Eto na yung pangalawang ipopost ko. LOL

Sa totoo lang, I don’t want to do anything childish anymore, as much as possible I don’t want to do anything stupid right now, I don’t want to belittle someone nor do people shaming here. But as you can see dun sa taas, yung Unforgiven by Lang Leav it inspired me to post this one. Before I start, let me get this straight, you can judge me all you want, sabihin nyo ng bitter ako, di makaget over, papansin or kung ano pa man, but all I’m gonna do is to share what he told me before and my thoughts about sa mga ginawa nya at ginagawa nya ngayon after nya sabihin sakin mga linyahan nya dati.

Let’s start…

January 1, 2017

Tumawag sya sakin, he told me he’s sorry, he admitted that he LIKED that SERENDIPITY GIRL na nakilala nya sa OMEGLE. At ang reason nya kung bakit nya ginawa yun eh dahil daw LAGI KO SYANG INAAWAY. What a lame reason right? People have a fvcking free will, they have a choice to every situation and guess what he chose to CHEAT on me, on us. Pero guess what, dahil ako si TANGA at MARTIR, tinanggap ko sorry nya. He also told me about his KACALLMATE na girl last December na “FRIENDS” lang daw nya. Tinanggap ko ulit yun kasi nga hindi naman na kami nung nagsimula silang nag uusap gabi gabi hanggang madaling araw. Here’s the catch, just when I thought magiging official na ulit kami, sabi nya WAG DAW MUNA kasi nga iniisip nya yung family nya na galit sakin dahil sa aso at mga posts ko sa kanya na totoo naman talaga. #sorrynotsorry tapos yung STUDIES daw nya kasi nga INTERN na sya this coming sem. Tinanggap ko ulit, so ang labas, PARANG KAMI NA HINDI.

January, February and March

Nagkikita kami, nagdedate kami, we act as lovers but not official. I don’t mind naman kasi nga mahal ko eh, tinanggap ko yung simpleng sorry nya kahit na ang dapat na ginawa ko eh pinahirapan ko muna sya. Tanga ko kasi talaga ehnoh. Pero eto nanaman na yung downside ng walang label na relasyon namin, sinabi ko sa kanya na kung pinili nyang bumalik sa buhay ko edi dapat alam na rin nya lahat ng ayaw ko. Isa na un eh ayaw ko yung kausap nya nanaman every night yung kacallmate na ‘friend’ daw nya. Sabi nya alam naman daw nya ung DISTANCE nya, one thing na hindi nya iniisip eh he fvcking cheated on me, so how can I trust him easily again?! Tapos eto pa, once inistalk ko IG nya, abay ang gago finofollow nanaman nya si SERENDIPITY GIRL, nakalike pa sya sa lahat ng posts nya. Pano ko nalaman? Finollow ko ung IG nung girl using my own fvcking account. Eh as far as I know sinabi nya sakin na wala na silang communication at pinablock na nya ung girl sa account nya before. So what does that mean? Yung girl ang umeepal tas kumagat nanaman sya? Powtuhhh diba? So I explained him my side, ang akin lang naman eh alam nyang kalandian nya yun dati tas meron nanaman silang form of communication. Kahit siguro di sila magkachat pero naglalike an sila ng mga posts ng isat isa, for me na naloko, iba ang iisipin ko dun. If he wants me to trust him fully again, then he should show that I can really trust him again. I told him to unfollow the girl at first but guess what, he didn’t do it. Until I let him choose between me and that SERENDIPITY GIRL, sabi ko pa iblock nya un or ako na mawawala, nung una ayaw pa nya, inaaway pa nya ako dahil dun pero I did what I can, hanggang sa blinock na nga nya. Pero alam ko naman napilitan lang nanaman sya.

March 5, 2017 (Dating Anniv)

Bago ang March 5, nagkita kami ng March 4 nagcelebrate kami, although lumabas nga kami and everything, alam nyo ung masakit? Di manlang nya irecognize na anniversary namin yun, ilang beses ko na syang tinatanong kung anong meron, wala. Di nya sinasagot ng matino, “wala kakain lang” puro ganyan. So hinayaan ko na, pakshet eh. Charrr. Haha!

We should be happy today right? Napakasignificant ng dating anniv namin, I will forever remember it. Why? Kasi nga Session in Bloom sa panahong yan. And I love Session in Bloom. So eto na, dapat magkikita kami kaso Sunday yan so hindi kami nagkita kasi nga “family day” nila. I understand that one. So mineet ko yung friend ko na si Jellie eh kasama nya ung pinsan nya na si Caren. Nung una ang saya saya pa namin eh kaso nung pumunta na kami sa SM para imeet din yung ibang HS Friends ko nagkwento na si Caren sakin, sabi nya nakikita daw nya si mokong na MAY INAAKBAYANG BABAE, MAY BABAENG HUMAHAWAK SA BRASO NYA. Edi wow diba? What a nice way to ruin our fvcking day. Pero di ko naman sya masisisi eh nakikita nga daw nya sya eh diba? Kaya tinext ko agad ang mokong, cinonfirm ko kung totoo, eh sabi nya HINDI NAMAN DAW. So ayun na, hindi ko na napigilan sarili ko, napaiyak na ako sa harapan ng mga friends ko. At dun nila nalaman na nagkikita nanaman pala kami, nainis sila syempre nagpapakatanga nanaman ako eh pero wala silang magagawa nangyari na ulit eh. Ang masakit pa nung sinabi kong sabihin nya kung anong totoo ang sabi nya eh bahala na daw ako kung ayaw ko maniwala. Kaya ayun mas naiyak nanaman ako, eh ang iniisip ko kasi kung hindi yun totoo bakit sasabihin ni Caren sakin yun? Para siraan sya sakin ganun? Eh kung tutuusin di naman nila alam na nagkikita kami that time. So ang ending eh nag away kami ni muks, di kami masyadong nagkatextan at uminom kami ng mga friends ko, di naman me nalasing. Haha!

March 25, 2017

Heto na ulit tayo guys, nakausap ko yung friend ko na si Cheaz, kwinento ko sa kanya lahat lahat, at ang sabi nya sakin “KONTING PACUTE LANG KASI SAYO NI PAO BIBIGAY KA NA AGAD. DESERVE MO YUNG TAONG KAYA KANG PANINDIGAN.” Dun na ako napaisip, tama naman kasi siya diba? Hindi kaya ng mokong na gawing official yung kami kasi masyado syang takot sa iisipin ng iba eh kung tutuusin kasalanan din naman nya halos lahat kung bakit kami nagkaganito. In short di nya kayang panindigan kung anong meron kami, so it just means DI KO SYA DESERVE pero dahil mapilit ako, gusto ko maging deserving sya sa pagmamahal ko. Kaya cinonfront ko sya that night, tinanong ko sya kung ano ba talaga gusto nya mangyari samin, kung ano ba talaga kami kasi ang pangit ng walang label, eh ang gusto ko lang naman eh masabi kong may KAMI, ang hirap kasi pag tatanungin ako ng mga friends ko kung ano meron samin tas sasabihin ko na WALA kahit may something naman talaga. Hayyy. To be exact I gave him a chance to defend what we have, US. I want him to FIGHT FOR ME, FOR US, but guess what, HE BLEW THAT CHANCE AWAY AGAIN. Yes, again and again and again. Pang ilang beses na nya akong piniling bitawan guys. Eto ang mga hindi ko makakalimutang sinabi nya sakin:

GUSTO KO NG TIME AND SPACE. KAHIT 1 MONTH LANG KIM, KUNG MERON PA EDI TRY ULIT NATIN. HAHANAPIN KO MUNA SARILI KO. FOCUS MUNA AKO SA STUDIES KO. PANGIT NG WALANG LABEL. KUNG TAYO TALAGA EDI TAYO. HINDI NA ULIT AKO SURE SA FEELINGS KO SAYO. HINDI KO NA ALAM KUNG MAHAL PA KITA.

Oh diba? Mapapawow ka nalang talaga sa mga linyahan nya. The best sya. Haha! For how many times again, nasaktan nanaman ako mga besh. Sabi nya kaya sya bumalik para subukan ulit kasi ayaw nga daw nya magsisi sa desisyon nya pero wala pa kaming nasisimulan bumitiw na ulit. Pero pinaglaban ko ulit, hinabol ko ulit sya, nagmakaawa ulit ako, sabi ko pa OKAY LANG KAHIT WALANG LABEL MASAYA NAMAN TAYO AH. Pero ayun nanaman pinagtulakan nanaman nya ako palayo tapos ayun umiiyak nanaman ako habang nagmamakaawa sa kanya. Katangahan eveeeeer. Hanggang sa ako nalang yung sumuko at ang pinakahuling sabi nya eh GOOD NIGHT.

Bago mag April eh may time na iniistalk ko sya sa IG hanggang sa may nakita ako na may isa pa syang IG account, ang ginawa ko eh pinastalk ko sa gf nung friend ni muks, magkakilala din kasi kami nung girl at nkafollow kasi dun ung account ng bf nya and guess what? Finafollow nya dun si SERENDIPITY GIRL, di talaga nya kayang hindi ifollow no? Hahahaa! At eto pa, sabi daw nung bf nung friend ko na yun, MADAMI DAW SYANG KAVIBER. Hohoho. Ang pogi nya, sa sobrang pogi nya mapapamura ka nalang. 😂

April

Wala na kaming communication, pero dahil magaling ako magstalk inistalk ko yung kacallmate nya, di kasi alam ng mokong na alam ko name nung kacallmate nyang yun. 😏 Well ganun talaga. Tapos alam nyo ba?? Nagmimeet na pala sila. Epic right? Hahaha! May pabigay bigay pa sya ng sulat chorva, look at the pics below.😂

Tapos naiistalk ko pinagpopost ng girl, aba halatang nafafall na sya sa kanya, well I can’t blame her magaling kasi magpafall ang loko.

May, June, July

Kailangan pa bang idetalye lahat ng nangyari these months?? Nahhhh, wag na. Di nyo magugustuhan. HAHAHAHAH. Basta the bottomline is nagkaroon ulit kami ng communication pero atlis nabawasan ang pagiging asado ko sa kanya. Lelsss At nung July, yun na ulit yung last na communication namin, cinonfront ko ulit eh tas ayun siya na ulit yung di nagparamdam. Pero tignan nyo ung picture, at tignan nyo kung gaano yan katotoo sa mga susunod ko pang ipopost. 😎

Tinanong ko sya nun kung may bago na siya ang sabi nya eh WALA. Tas sabi pa nya na AYAW DAW MUNA NYA SA RELATIONSHIP, WALA DAW SYANG ORAS, TWO YEARS PA DAW, MAGKABAHAY DAW MUNA. Well well well.

August - September

Wala na ulit kaming communication until now. Pero nag effort ako dun sa birthday nya huh, nagpost ako ng kachorvahan sa IG STORY ewan ko lang kung naview nya. Haha. So ayun nga, nakita ko na may pinost tita nya na pic nila nung NEW FRIEND daw nya. Well if I know, KALANDIAN nya yun, tinatago lang ulit nya sa salitang FRIEND. First of all don’t get me wrong, some of you might not believe it pero hindi na ako umaasa sa kanya, kumbaga mayron ng acceptance sa part ko, and I can say that I don’t have feelings for him anymore, nung nakita ko nga yung pic nila eh di na ako nasaktan eh nagulat nalang ulit ako kasi nga hindi yung kacallmate nya yung kasama nya sa pic. Eh kung tutuusin parang may something din naman sila nun, kasi may nakita akong post nya dati, mga 4 am eh nagising na sila tas nagtawagan na. Aigooo. haha!

Ayan na, kapit lang guys madami dami pa iteeey. 🤣😝 Di ko to pinopost para siraan sya or what, katulad nga ng sinabi ko nung una palang, ginagawa ko lang to para ishare yung thoughts ko sa mga actions nya, it’s not him as a person that I don’t like, it’s his ACTIONS, his LIES, his EXCUSES, his LAME REASONS, and lastly, yung pagiging walang bayag nya, HE CAN’T MAN UP. I’m sorry but that’s the truth. Hate me all you want, I’ll gladly accept all the hate I’ll receive ‘cause I’m just sharing the truth.

Okay so eto na, I don’t know pero naging talent ko na ata ang pagstalk eh. LOL. Kasi nakita ko FB nung girl, pati IG and of course her Twitter. HAHA. So ayun dami kong nalamang revelations atii, 😂. May something nanaman talaga sila nung girl, BABY BOY AT BABY GIRL pa tawagan. Like mygosh? Alam kaya nung girl na yung first love ng mokong eh BABY ang name? Haha. Curious lang. 🤷🏻‍♀️ Nung naconfirm na may something sila nung baby girl nya, naisip ko agad si kacallmate nya, panigurado eh relate sya dtoo.

Di ko nga lang alam kung paano nagtapos ang landian nila, kasi malay mo nag uusap pa pala sila, “FRIENDS” parin sila ganerns. Haha! No comment nalang ako.

Eto naaa, yung nagpapatunay na meron na ulit syang bago. Ang tanong ko nalang ulit sa kanya eh:

AKALA KO BA WALA KANG ORAS SA GANYAN?  AKALA KO BA EH STUDIES MUNA?  AKALA KO BA EH AYAW MO MUNA?  AKALA KO BA EH AFTER 2 YEARS PA? HAHANAPIN MO MUNA SARILI MO SA IBANG BABAE? ANO SAGOT.  May paFOREVER chorva ka pa.

Eto nalang ang nasabi ko nung nakita ko yan: NAPAKASINUNGALING MO. SOBRA.

But wait, there’s more…

Yan ang say nung isa sa kanya. HAHAHA. Yahhh, he’s a good man naman ah, sa family nya at mga FRIENDS nya, lalong lalo na sa mga bagong makikilala nya. He’s a good man you know, I can agree to that syempre naman. BUT, yes a very big BUT here kasi ang di nyo lang din alam eh may BAHO din yang tinatago. I am very sure na hindi nyo alam kung ano ang totoong nangyari samin, kung ano ang ginawa nya nung kami pa at nung wala na kami. Sa tingin nyo ba eh aamin sya? I don’t think so. Kasi pag ginawa nya yun eh masisira ang good boy image nya and he can’t afford to lose that. I bet ako pa tong lumalabas na sobrang masama sa mata nyo ngayon, but it’s okay. Sanay na ako dyan. Basahin nyo nalang yung part 1 para maintindihan nyo side naming dalawa. Haha! Link here:

http://memoriesdontopen.tumblr.com/post/161658328444/sad-beautiful-tragic

So advice ko nalang po eh simulan nyo ng buwagin ang friendship nyo kasi nabiktima lang po kayo ng fake news. Charoooot. Hahaha.

I hate to burst your bubbles baby girl but we’ve all been there, si kacallmate nya nga binigyan nya ng quotes chorva, yung kay star nya may ginawa pa syang poem chorva, yung kay serendipity eh nag order pa sya ng cupcake may kasama pang note na sabi eh to my serendipity chorva, ewan ko lang din kung ano ginawa nya dun kay Baby R nya dati. Pati dun sa girl na KAMEMORIES nya dati. HAHAHAHA. Pero sakin din madami din syang ginawang kachorvahan noon. Ang tanong ko nalang eh nakwekwento ba kami ng mokong sayo? Alam mo bang may STAR sya bago ako? May BABY R din sya bago ako at si star? Alam mo din bang may KAMEMORIES din syang babae nung kami pa noon? Nakwento ba nya yung si SERENDIPITY nya? At yung KACALLMATE nya? Nasabi ba nya ang tungkol sa mga past relationships nya? Lalo na sakin? Take note, 5 years naging kami, madaming revelations dyan. 😏 Hihi. Lastly, nasabi din ba nya na may BESTFRIEND din syang girl? One piece of advice BABY GIRL, alamin mo lahat ng nangyari sa past nya lalo na when it comes to his past relationships para di kayo magkaron ng problema sa future. Trust me I’ve been there.

Sorry for stalking you baby girl pero concern lang talaga ako sayooo, chosss HAHAHA. Hindi curious lang talaga ako sa landian nyo. 😜 Pero eto na masasabi ko, Good luck sa inyong dalawa. Oo alam ko masaya naman talaga, SA UNA lang yan pero. Ewan ko nalang pag tumagal na kayo kasi take note, kung nagawa nya yung mga bagay na yun sakin dati, hindi malabong magagawa nya din yung mga yun sayo. I just hope that you’re the reason he might wanna change his flirty ways. Siya pa mandin yung gusto lang nya eh palaging masaya, like WTF right? Asa kang may ganun. Haha! Kahit anong gawin nyo, kahit gano kasaya sa una mag aaway at mag aaway parin kayo. Sus. Sana lang makatagal ka girl, patunayan nyong KAYO NA TALAGA. Haha.

Going back, yes I can say that I’ve forgiven him for all the things he’ve done to me kasi ako rin naman may mga kasalanan sa kanya, I admit that. Pero I will never forget the things that he’ve done, hindi ganun kadali yun guys. He destroyed me emotionally, he gave me too much scars that cannot be seen by the naked eye, pakiramdam ko noon eh I’m not worth to be loved when in fact sya tong hindi worth it para sakin, sya tong hindi deserving para sa akin. Nagpakababa ako noon, ako tong naghahabol at nagmakakaawa sa kanya, desperada, tanga at baliw tignan dahil lang sa kanya. Wala eh, binigay ko lahat eh at dahil dun wala ng natira sakin. Pati pride ko linunok ko para sa kanya pero di parin sya marunong makuntento. Iniwan parin ako sa ere, kasi BUSY nga daw sya. Busy pala sa ibang babae. Lols. Kaya ayun, naniniwala ako sa KARMA. What goes around, comes around. Someday muks, kakarmahin ka rin, sana maramdaman mo din lahat ng pinaramdam mo sa akin noon para quits na tayo. And when that happens, I hope maisip mo ako, masasabi mo na ganto pala ang mga naramdaman ko noon.

But in the end I don’t regret anything I’ve done because it led me to who I am now as a person. I learned a lot from our relationship, and most of all I’ve learned my worth as a person. Alam ko sa sarili ko na ginawa ko na lahat para isave yung TAYO pero wala eh, hanggang dito nalang talaga. Kahit na ganun, naniniwala ako na wala akong pagsisisihan pagdating ng araw.

Leaving this one here… Btw, thanks for reading. 😄☺️

ps. Baby girl, alam mo ba kung bakit ayaw niya na maikalat picture nyo? Kasi nga ayaw nya makita ng iba na nakakakilala saming dalawa na may iba na ulit syang kalandian. Lols. Pero mukang nag iba naman na kasi kahit papano eh nagpopost na sya ng story nyong dalawa sa ig, something na never nya ginawa sakin. At mukang nahahawakan mo narin phone nya, okay yan, sakin kasi never ko nahawakan phone nya. Haha! Paalala lang, di ako bitter, di ko sya sinisiraan, I’m just giving you an idea about him. And it’s up to you to discover more about him. To know the real him and to know kung ano yung “baho” niya na tinutukoy ko. Pangit naman kung puro good side lang nya nakikita mo diba? Pano mo siya matatanggap ng buo kung di mo makikita at malalaman lahat sa kanya? 😜

pps. To my past, you created a STALKER and at the same time a BLOGGER. Kaya kung kinarma ako, pwes ikaw rin handa handa nalang din pag may time para sa karma mo muks. Lols. 💋