#lets hope i dont get all crazy and delete it cause I hate it

[chateaunoirsims]

X Tryna make male cc (As we always need more). But..

I hate it

this shit is hard af

this is ugly.

[leejihoonownsmyheart]

WE ARE BONDED...I THINK YOU'RE A GRYFFINDOR?? RIGHT?? IF IM WRONG ILL BE SO ASHAMED

OH MY GOODNESS YEAH I TOTALLY AGREE. LIKE WHY DO ALL KDRAMAS NEED TO BE KTRAUMAS 😭😭?? COULD WE NOT GET SOME FLUFF FOR ONCE...

HELP THAT ANIME IS SO FUNNY?? he's so relatable for turning into dust btw that's actually mad funny 😂😂😂

HAVE YOU SEEN THE ANIME OF THE GUY WHO'S VA WAS LAUGHING AT THE DUDE'S NICKNAME BEING DICK?? I DON'T REMEMBER THE NAME BUT THE VA WAS ACTUALLY LAUGHING IN THE STUDIO

no because cheol/hao/wonwoo (and- hot take maybe- shua and jeonghan??) totally give off that 'passive dominance' vibe

YEAH I TOTALLY LOST FEELINGS FOR THAT GUY....LIKE I THINK I MESSED UP IN THE BEGINNING BECAUSE I TEXTED HIM TOO MUCH 🙃🙃 it is what it is tho because i think im much better off without him...........

OKAY I HAVE A THEORY ABOUT PULLING DOMINANT MEN....you either have to act SUPER independent/borderline "leader" like OR you have to act like someone that could be a sub little housewife (like its the 1970s oops).... IM TRYING THOSE 2 OUT RN SO LETS SEE HOW IT GOES LOL

so many meds?? that sounds so complicated (and borderline terrifying 🙁) it must be so bad to be given something that's supposed to help but somehow makes things worse

would a sleep study actually help? here's to hoping it will because not being able to sleep must be torture brie im so sorry i hope you get through this in one piece (ONE PIECE MENTIONED!??!?!?)

PRINCESS SWITCH IS SUCH A GUILTY PLEASURE?? IM GLAD SOMEONE ELSE MENTIONED IT BECAUSE IM SO EMBARASSED TO SAY ITS...KINDA GOOD......

true. imagine ignoring your child's pleas for mashed potatoes... those creamy garlic mashed potatoes are actually a god given right, you can't convince me otherwise 😒😒

NO BRIE YOU DON'T SUCK! YOU'RE A WONDERFUL BEING THAT DESERVES THEIR PLACE IN THE WORLD.... AND YOU ARE PRETTY?? I THINK YOUR VISUALS ARE REALLY FRESH 😭

i'm doing great (besides finals.)!! YOU GOT THIS BRIE I BELIEVE IN YOU

-finals week or 🫨 anon's final week? stay tuned

Hufflepuff 😨

NO SERIOUSLY they should make a website like does the dog die but for what episode of a drama you should stop watching at if you want to pretend there is a happy ending

NO HAHAHA I DONT THINK IVE SEEN THAT ANIME BEFORE BUT IT SOUNDS SO FUNNY IF YOU REMEMBER THE NAME PLEASE TELL ME???

I actually really heavily agree on that Joshua take that’s crazy but i feel that

NO I THINK I REALLY MESSED UP WITH ONE OF MY FRIENDS i’m so stressed about it too she’s taking a break from social media and i’m going crazy like i feel like part of it is just that i’m too much for her now and i’m so stressed, every day i want to spam her and i have literally been crying every single night because i’m so upset cause i think i really fucked up but like is it worse that i think that she would just abandon me? IDK but i’m so upset it’s been a week now. What if she hates me, and also i went literally crazy and i don’t think she knows how crazy but crying every single night cause i think she hates me and left me is CRAZY like every time i calm down i see reason but i was rereading our interactions so much and analyzing all the things i did wrong so much i had to delete the messages

I’m crazy. I’m crazy actually. I want to just forget everything and move on but imagine i put all this effort into forgetting her because i had a maniac anxious breakdown in the middle of a depressive episode and she comes back completely normal expecting me to be completely normal 😭😭 that would be crazy right

I’m crazy right. I’m crazy.

OKAY THATS IMPORTANT RESEARCH RIGHT THERE ACTUALLY CAUSE I HAVE NEVER EVER EVER MET A MAN WHO WANTS TO DOMINATE ME AND HONESTLY?? IM SICK OF THIS BULLSHIT I KEEP PURPOSELY ACTING UP IN FRONT OF GUYS TOO LIKE PURPOSELY I WILL ACT LIKE A BRAT WHO CANNOT BE CONTROLLED AND NOTHING. NOTHING! PLEASE TELL ME HOW YOUR RESEARCH PROJECT GOES TODAY I LITERALLY TOLD SOMEONE THAT A MAN I FRIENDZONED LIKED TO BE DOMINATED AND TOLD WHAT TO DO AND THE GUY I FRIENDZONED HAS LITERALLY SEEN MY FUCKING BDSM TEST RESULTS AND THERE WERE NO REPERCUSSIONS 😭

Meds are meds i guess i’m just really hoping these new ones work. The sleep study SHOULD be helpful like if it’s a serious health problem. And it will help them know if it’s not like sleep apthia? Or something like that

I WAS TRYING TO TALK TO SOMEONE ABOUT THE HEIST ONE?? AND THEY WERE LIKE but the first one is so bad and i was like oh my god… they haven’t even met the third twin LIKE ITS GOOD???

I don’t remember why i said i suck but oh god so annoying i give myself the ick. TODAY I WAS LIKE i was like when i serve food out to people sometimes i like can’t explain this well but i smile and pose? Like when i turn around i’ll like IDONTKNOW POSE? ITS LIKE SUBTLE BUT ITS LIKE IM IN A MOVIE AND IM THE MAIN CHARACTER AND ITS REALLY ANNOYING AND SUBCONCIOUS SO IM ONLY AWARE AFTER IVE DONE IT AND ITS SO ANNOYING AND IT GIVES ME THE ICK SO BAD i have A SERIOUS pick me problem that no one will EVER acknowledge even when i say it i’m surrounded by LIARS

HOW HAVE YOUR FINALS BEEN GOING ARE THEY GOING WELL?! YOURE GONNA DO AMAZING YOUVE GOT THIS

[nightswithkookmin]

MONDAY, JANUARY 18TH: GOLDY'S LOG

I miss Suga. Scratch that. I miss Agust D. My spirit animal.

I've been thinking about him a lot lately, wondering if his injury isn't an exemption to military service. I wonder if he qualifies, in light of his injury, as an able body. I wonder what their law defines as able body.

I wonder if he passed the legal physical exam and health assessment test when he turned 19, since he's had that injury way before debut. Or if BTS have undergone that mandatory military service assessment since they are all past 19 and what their results are.

Jimin has chronic back pain too. That should qualify him for an exemption to military duty. He can still do desk work if it's that serious.

I should talk to ***** and look into South Korea's law on exemptions to military service.

Moon values the arts and culture industry. There's already been an extension for conscription for the benefit of BTS. Their success and longevity in the spot light perhaps influenced this decision. Should BTS maintain this momentum, an exemption would be inevitable I feel.

I miss them. They've been gone for too long. I'm worried about the impact this is going to have on their popularity if they disconnect from fans for so long or be mechanical about the way they connect with their fans.

I hate the limited access to them. But Scarcity increases the value of a product and it's not surprising if this is the approach BigHit is adopting in the wake of the pandemic.

Limited access not only raises value, it creates demand. Bang PD is a bigbrain marketing genius- I hate it.

They are taking a huge risk with this new marketing strategy. Personally, I'd stick to what works but then I am no marketing guru. Just a consumer who likes to play it safe. I guess I won't be getting hired anytime soon. Fuck.

It's all very fascinating.

What's equally fascinating is the shippers out here on these streets. The Jokers.

I... they confuse the hell out of me sometimes.

How are they going to question my rationality when I talk about moments I feel Jikook are having issues in their relationship or had broken up etc but then have no problem with and even applaud that same rationality when I talk about moments that has led me to believe there is lack of depth in Tae Kook's dynamics or that they are not real by any standard or that another ship in BTS isn't real.

Do I have two minds? Or are they more inclined to be selective in their beliefs based on their biases towards Jikook and against other ships? It's weird.

By the same lens I define Jikook as real, I define Tae Kook or any other ship that includes JK and Jimin as not real. And by that same lens if I feel Jikook aren't together then I'm wrong and irrational?

It really confounds me.

Not sure if they expect me to apply double standards to Jikook in those instances.

I don't think there is right and wrong opinions or perspective when it comes to shipping, but I think if they are right about me being wrong about my perspective on Jikook then I must be wrong about my perspective on any other ship in BTS as well.

I can't be right about one and wrong about another. I'm either right about all or wrong about all.

I can't be 'right' about Tae Kook having 'issues' in their bond in such a way I think it often bars them from fully nurturing their bond and developing depth to it but then be 'wrong' about Jikook also having issues that mess with their bond from time to time when it's the same measurement I use in accessing the depth of bond of both ships.

I really don't understand their way of thinking.

What is right and what is wrong and who decides on that?

I think we ought to substitute right and wrong with 'believe and believable.' The approach to such discourse should be about what one is willing to believe or not believe about certain discussions: I believe this. I don't believe that. Because believes stem from our personal biases towards a subject.

And the people that come running to me with 'look, Jikook smiled at each other in On era so change your mind'

I would except I hear this debate all the time. I wonder if they realize they sound exactly like the Tuktukkers in my DMs trying to convince me Tae Kook is real.

'Look Tae sat on JK's laps! How can you say there is no depth to Tae kook' ' He squished JK's cheeks' 'Jk said he wants to ride with Tae, if there was no depth why did he say he wanted to ride with him'

I have a feeling Soft Koo is back. The days of Terminator JK might be over. Too bad, I liked terminator JK. He was a bad ass.

I like that he is experimenting with his looks. But I'm glad his Ravi-esque phase is over. I wonder who he is drawing inspiration from this time. He reminds me of Jimin though. There is something peaceful and serene about his looks.

Can't really tell much because Bighit is sitting on tons of footages. I think I need to send a truck to Bang PD HQ.

I don't like that Jimin posted a Vhopemin photo for Tae's birthday. It was cute and all but I don't like it. That shit felt passive aggressive as fuxk. Lmho. What, he didn't have a V or Vmin photo in his gallery? Sounds like someone didn't put much effort in their VMin agenda for this post.

I wonder if he will keep the same energy come JK's birthday. I mean both him and Tae didn't post for him💀

May be I'm reaching on this one. But a single post where V was not even the focus of the post... I think his birthday means a lot to him and he enjoys when people shower him with love and attention and I don't think his birthday is an exception.

And he kept reiterating after such said birthday how he recently discovered he loves to be loved and how he does most of the things he does in order to be loved by his fans, friends and family.

And it breaks my heart that, the headlines read BTS shower X, Y with love on his birthday but the two people close to him were missing from that list this time. The media talks about BTS posting for eachother as them showering eachother with love. Certainly they all know this.

And the fact Jin posted for Tae after Tae's birthday says a lot about Tae and JK. Tae had no intention of posting perhaps because he left JM a message on the packages. With Jin I feel he was overcompensating for not posting for him on his birthday...

JK gets a pass. If JM wasn't happy about him not posting for his birthday, he would have pulled a Jin.

Jimin talking about coming to the realization he loves to be loved makes me think JK withholding his affections openly made him come to the realization he loves to be loved. Just a hunch. And the only reason JK would withhold his affections is if Jimin himself estopps him. Those two give me headaches.

I think I got the closure I needed from this.

LESSON: dont get on JM's bad side and bloody post for his birthday 💀

Tae been releasing photos of Jimin and Jhope a lot lately. Not sure how that makes me feel either. I think it's beautiful. But when I think about all these beautiful photos he has of Jimin on his phone and how generous he is with them- I think they would have been more meaningful had he released it on JM's birthday. The snow photo he posted still sits in my Vmin heart somewhere.

I really don't like this not posting for each other's birthday business. It's 2021. They need to cut it out.

I feel JK set a bad precedent but personal happiness first so good for him.

This moment haunts me for some reason.

What was going through V's head. I want to know. RM looks done. Lol.

Jimin is really beautiful. I love his eyes when he smiles and the thing he does with his shoulders.

Some people complain I write a lot. Some say I don't write enough. Ayayayai!!!!!!

What to do.

I think I accidentally deleted a post.

I'm looking forward to JKK1. Stay Gold, Still with you, Your eyes tell... I hope he hasn't given his best away cos those were bops.

PJM1... oh God I'm nervous. I'm excited for it but nervous. I think Serendipity is a classic. The Christmas song was equally great and frankly the only good Christmas Ive heard so far and I don't even like Christmas- nothing against Baby Jesus I just think it sucks. That bridge in Dis-ease is something.

I want to read his thoughts. His spotify playlist is insightful but I want to confirm if he really sees himself as a mess who is always causing his lover grief.

I mean he did say he has realized he needs to be considerate towards those that love him. Not sure yet the connection there.

I want to read his thoughts.

PJM1....

I love JHOPE. I think his ship with Jimin is beautiful and healing. They make my insides warm. Not sure if their shippers think they are real. Do they? That would be awkward.

I think RM and Jimin need to spend time together... it would be good for them.

Jimin and Sungwoon shippers are alleging Jimin has been staying with Sungwoon all this while. LOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

But the bit about him living with Sungwoon before the start of Bon V 4 has me🤔

Around that period, I don't believe JM was at the dorms and Jikook were not together then too. He must have been staying somewhere...

I'll let them have that.

But around November 2019 when he was having issues with JK he was staying with Tae too so no I don't think that means Sungwoon is queer or that Jimin is sleeping with him💀

They need to get out of their imaginations.

I think Jikook will drive me crazy one day.

I can feel my cranium swelling.

JiRose shippers need to pack it up. They really think Jimin is straight? 💀

It's the bad editing for me.

That doesn't look like a straight face to me. Unless his butt was on fire and he was uncomfortable looking at that black interviewer, I think that's his flirting face.

Lately I've been thinking about what ifs.

What if Jikook is not real?

I wish I believed that.

[smallestclowninthecircus]

Season 4 notes

Ep 121: mmmm tape recorder turning on without them knowing goes brrr. AAAhjhdsjfhjdf "do you mind if i call you jon" its like "can i call you elias?" is this the dream guy with the tendrils? who wants to bet the boat is captained by peter lukas? big man if it killed yall how are you still here. oh boy the tape is doin that thing. who do we think it is? did he wake up? hmm. ep 122: lol jon. 6 months!?!? bruh quit movin big man. he just Knows things sometimes you know how it is. nah b/c i can relate to feeling like other ppl/ things arent real, thats the biggest mood BUT i think it is kinda pretentious to entertain the idea that youre the only Real person. If you dont see a body dont believe it. i'll hold out hope for a bit. theres not a new archivist is there? surely i wouldve heard about that. oh god peter what changes did you make. ep 123: web development. hope its about spiders. she blames him. bruh why. if they hadnt done anything the world would've ended piss off melanie. why are ppl acting like he chose to be in a coma for 6 months. we know this they just appear. no longer "head archivist of the magnus institute, london" now he's just "the archivist" covered in spiders? cuz ik the spider has to do with controlling what youre doing and all this stuff but i cant think of how this connects to that. ep 124: ugh vertigo. is michael crew an old man? oooh. fairchild. how did he know it was martin? hmm. GRR I LOST MY NOTES AGAIN. FROM EPISODE 125 - part of 131. ep 131: bruh he's so hard to understand big man ur voice is so low. Jared Hotworth. the boneturner. "the ones i helped find their proper bodies" name a better top surgeon? our favorite trans ally? ep 132: woo field trip into the coffin! static lol. he says "chill out im just poppin in for a quick recall mission" is the rib thing actually gonna work? bruh it feels so odd and contrived but he's an odd man with some odd powers so idk. rip that archivist ayyy statement time. voices? recordings? are those tape recorders? was it the tape recorders? did they pull him back? i hope so b/c if the rib thing actually worked im gonna be so disappointed. ep 133: predicting the lonely? tundra. like the lukases. hmm. sanikova! like sanikov land. so its the hunt? i suppose? yeah. so daisy's clearly rejecting the hunt, which makes sense cuz she doesnt seem to like the entities that much. wait so are we just not gonna talk abt all the tapes playing on the ground?? no? ep 134: not an archival assistant anymore? Adelard Decker (or however you spell it) i recognize that name. 15th power. i was right there are 15. the extinction? im trying to remember what ive heard. oooh spooky. no i gotta be real i dont understand this fear but i'll believe you that its a thing. ew lukas is so squealy. lukas can turn invisible? oh boy. oooh martin put the tape recorders there. lol lukas is worried he's gonna be an avatar of the eye. ep 135: yoo its the third Daedalus statement! maxwell rayner (reiner? reigner?) i dont know who that is but ik its somebody. is he the cult leader guy? church of the divine host? 4 people?? what? did they kidnap somebody and keep them up there?? oh dear jon are you dying? did he try to See or Know or whatever? why does everyone call basira detective lol. ep 136: he was the one from the spider movie that ate ppl right? the special effects artist? is it annabelle cane? "its a joke jon" lol. hmm they wanted to record the therapy session with melanie? i wonder who that is. i almost wanna guess annabelle cane but im not sure. ep 137: this is the one! he went to the other place and read the war statement but it wasnt the one she took. not the music again. sounds like the slaughter. who the heck is eric lol. "the watcher's crown" like the crown of eyes we saw in the piccrew ep 138: oh boy Robert Smirk time. is that elias? as unhelpful as usual. if new powers can be "born" can others die out? did jonah magnus wear the watchers crown? maybe they were born from our fear or maybe our fears were born from them. ceaseless watcher does ceaselessly watch so. idk what you want

big man. yeah jonah for sure did something. ep 139: agnes!! lol that one dude threw off all their plans thats so funny. BUT this does tell us something. the tree in the backyard of the hilltop house? not made by her. it going down didnt kill agnes. im guessing gertrude tied agnes to the house using the tree? u good jon? cuz every time you try to Know smth intentionally it seems like it causes you great pain. how come he can do it accidentally with no problem but the second he wants to know smth of plot relevance he gets a headache or whatever ep 140: lol pagan exultation. classic. "oh thats my rib" lmaoo. ppl are always so mad at jon and his Eye powers except when it benefits them. they're like "oh you shouldnt do that its not right" and then all of a sudden they want to know something and its all "oh cmon jon its the only way" ep 142: oh god jon what did you do. its interesting she's giving her statement in the way that they do when jon Asks. did he see her in the Coffin? and so he's following her? ok cmon jon you're supposed to let them come to you. lmao ikr martin. "start to hear the blood" "suure." lmao ep 143: lol that awkward moment when gertrude is already dead. big J if you die im gonna kill you. bruh. ayo helen? i guess it worked? ep 144: lol this reminds me of that one edgar allan poe story where he kills the old dude with the weird eye. spooky music stuff. lol thats my favorite symptom of a heart attack its hilarious. so its smth abt the location probably? bro i feel like you should write down the numbers idk. 162830165049 564846474827. seems like the distortion? like the kinda thing that causes you to go crazy because of the numbers. oh boy is it the extinction again. bro what?? im?? his dad just died and he's like eh. martin dont be mean. he's being all lonely again. big man ur pushing ppl away. oh god its fucking squealy boy. ep 145: that almost sounds like breekon/hope... Arthur? agnes. aah was he from the lightless flame cult. a tree. lol he's just ranting rn. hehehe fuck landlords amirite. yay someone tells jon outright to go to therapy. now do it big man. ep 146: oh great! the distortion! i'm making a spiral themed building in mc right now! jon maybe accept you did a bad? nah this goes back to what i said before. they're fine with him compelling ppl when its convenient for them but otherwise its "no jon you cant, youre a monster jon" the tapes didnt turn on. i spose that means its not important? i agree with daisy, this seems unecessarily dangerous. ep 147: is that a tape? the first tape? well that went better than i expected tbh. BAHAKJASHDJKF she did the "can i call you jon" like nikola says "elias, can i call you elias?" damn annabelle is such a girlboss. oh! the one thing from the picrew. its been a while since ive connected smth to that. lol all the other avatars always talk abt their patron so lovingly and the jon just. absolutely hates the eye. ep 148: lol thats the most elias thing. "i just like the way it sounds" ep 149: did he disappear? bruhh. ur lonely powers are popping off i guess. oops i accidentally deleted my notes for 150 - 152 ep 153: thats the cult right? yeah. it doesnt sound like the church of the divine host? idk. if it is the church of the divine host then they worship the dark right? so is the eleventh the dark star or wtvr? it almost sounds like the corruption b/c of the oil or grease or whatever. oh dear what happened. oh its the hunters. theyre so annyoing. not an "it" he has a name. he's a person. is this a page from the skin book? ep 154: oh shit this is gerry's dad! oh shit he quit! oh dear god. jon don't you do it. haha martin. yeahhhh... is he gonna tell the others? cuz you know theyre gonna get mad if he doesnt. oh also picrew connection! the bandages over the eyes? yeah thats this im guessing. ep 155: oh good he told them. oh my god what did you do. lol i have no mouth and i must scream. nah you get none of my sympathy you're straight up murdering ppl. its like the desolation, destroying lives to sustain your own. ok but taking their statements doesnt

kill them. oh... bye melanie. ep 156: lmao imagine if the tape recorder spoke back. oh boy decker! i swear we got a statement from him already. oh god mirrors scary. They're gonna eat the body arent they. Yup... sounds like the flesh or the slaughter, but I'm not sure. Could be the extinction for sure. Smth at the center! Like Helen mentioned. God Peter you dick. Ep 157: peter's just so :/ another decker statement i see. a statement about the corruption? hmm. maybe its not abt the corruption. the extinction. lol pandemics. topical. John Amherst. helen? lol i can hear admiral purring in the background. oh cmon helen dont be like that. im trying real hard to like you but you make it so difficult. ep 158: did they fucking free the stranger? im gonna lose it. you absolute dumbass. im sorry who is that? jonah magnus? my guy. peter. you absolute dickhead. that's elias. (im p sure i had this spoiled for me that elias is jonah) oh dear this is her death. god peter you prick. i hope this is a pop off martin moment and not a "martin you idiot" moment. i hope the hunters kill the stranger entity. or she kills them. furry daisy pop off! yeah fuck you peter martin can make his own decisions. you know that clip from Twisted where jafar says "ok what the fuck was that" martin D: ok like i know its gonna work but still D: D: ep 159: peter you bitchboy. because if im alone i cant hurt anyone else. imnotgonnacryimnotgonnacryimnotgonnacry do it do it do it do it. pop off jon. ok its a pretty good idea for a ritual i gotta be honest. she didnt even have to blow it up lol. oh dear that was certainly a noise. "he gets you" did he not have jon already? he's back! our boy is back! awwww thats so cute. ep 160: oh right this is the thing in the safe house. i love him. "obviously im going to tell you if i see any good cows" martin my beloved <3 :)) oh boy who is this. fuckin. people. jonah you dick. gahh. you can tell he's trying to resist so hard lol. ohh. hehe keep an *eye* on him. altho if the extinction is a real thing he needs to be marked by that right? lol he sounds so intense im sorry- i want martin to just burst in and be like "look at this cow i saw!" its so dramatic and for why.

[oh-roman]

It's You

 read part five

part VI.

"I hate you," Bill's wife cries, trying to escape Bill’s tickling fingers.

"Mmhm, sure you do," Bill beckoned, watching a smile pull at her lips, before leaning over to press a kiss to his cheek. "Atta' girl," He huffs. "Give daddy some sugar," Except she only playfully rolls her eyes and sits up on the bed to pull her laptop onto her thighs.

Bill and Jade were high school sweethearts --and to their knowledge, they'd followed the perfect life plan.

Try not to get teary-eyed; their story's so cute it might make you sad how it ends.

So, it was all so unintentional how they fell in love, because well, Jade was never the type of girl Bill was interesting in, in high school.

He was quite picky about his girls (and still is).

Bill liked them confident, but not too cocky. He had a thing for plaid mini skirts and thigh highs, a fetish for lip gloss and those fishnet stockings the girls wore. Open toed shoes were cute, but only the kind that had a heel and straps. And God, did he love girls with brown eyes - - - the big doe eyes that made your heart swell.

Except Jade wasn't that profile at all. And for some odd reason, it attracted him to her even more. So, one day, mid-sophomore year in History, Bill sits down next to this girl--dressed like someone’s mom--and says. . .well he doesn't say anything. He just stares at her until she waves her hand in front of his face. She made him unbearably nervous and that's the moment, he knew he'd have to stick with her. Thank God for his persistent personality too, because he popped the question just a few questions after they’d graduated high school.

It was quite beautiful actually. They were young and crazy about one another, but young love only does so much. It’s an innocent flame and well, it only flickers for so long. It’s naive and overpoweringly emotional, so when Bill began to fall out of love with her, he didn’t say anything, in hopes of that burning fire coming back.

Although, it never really did and falling for Y/N wasn't much help.

The last thing he wanted to do was hurt his wife, although he couldn't stand the thought of breaking Y/N’s heart either. The more he loved, the more it hurt.

“Baby I've been meaning to ask you," Jade asks.

"Hm," he hums, running a hand through his hair. "What's that,"

"How's it been going with that girl Y/N," And he pauses. Speak of the fucking devil. He swallows thickly and tries to find some sort of composure. He sits up a bit and thumbs over his own bottom lip; a bad habit he has when he's uncomfortable. "Oh, y'know--it's been great--she's. . .smart," Nodding along with him, Jade raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t think much of it.

“That’s good,” She says, moving her laptop out of the way and lying her head on Bill’s bare chest. “Now, c'mere," Resting a hand on his thigh, she taps her fingers a little, gesturing for him to cuddle her.

Bill huffs a little and kisses her forehead. Jade smiles at the feeling. And you can't blame her. The feeling is indescribable--her head against his chest, feeling the steady vibration of his heartbeat, moving in-beat with his fingertips lazily running up her arm. With the dim light peeking through the window drapes, it's wonderful. So good, sometimes she can't see herself ever lying on these sheets without her. "Love you," she exhales, lazily closing her eyes.

He just wishes he felt the same way.

And Jade, she wishes he felt that way too.

He hasn't kissed her lips (and I mean really kissed her) in weeks now, unless the neighbors are watching.

And she just stays quiet, like she always is. She's a romantic and well, it comes with its own heartache, because she sees when he's smiling at phone, or blushing when he's getting all ready for work in the morning and she can't help but wonder why he's wearing his good cuff links (the Gucci ones he wore to his wedding) to go teach a bunch of college students about business management. Or, why he's all of a sudden taken such keen interest in the random girl next door. Or, last week when Jade was taking the trash out, she watched the same girl in his car, leaning awfully close to him.

No.

Jade's cried enough about it. Plus, Bill's a messy eater. Y/N was probably just picking a piece of lettuce of of his shirt (or chin?). Surely that's why. Well, it's the only logical explanation she thinks.

"Not with the girl next door. . .If he ever were to. . .she'd be older," Jade thinks. "Right?"

It's all a pressing matter and Jade has to push those thoughts out if her brain, for the sake of her marriage--or whatever remains from it.

Pressing a longing kiss right under eye, Bill closes his eyes too. He's never been big on religion, but he's praying now. For some sort of revelation; some sort of direction on what he should do.

And he lies there for what feels like forever, contemplating everything. Just as a Jade is, before drifting off to sleep.

Then, Bill understands.

It's scary almost how fast he's realized it and for a moment he snaps his eyes open and blinks a few times. Jade's snoring a little on his chest, arm draped around his stomach.

She's the one. She has to be.

He's careful when he moves her arm out of the way, quietly stepping off toward their bathroom. He's watching Jade from the doorway, slightly moving around a little, probably wondering where his body's gone. It's precious actually. That's why he has to do this--and fast. So, he doesn't hurt anyone too badly.

The light from a Bill's phone lights up a little and he's typing away--deleting and rephrasing almost everything, afraid of what she'll think. Y/N always has him feeling like a teenager. Adrenaline pumping and hand sweating. He's staring at the words on the screen, thinking of everything she could possibly think before finally fuck it pressing send.

He stuffs his phone in the pockets of sweatpants and runs both hands down his face in a tired way, before gripping the bathroom counter and starring himself in the mirror. "Christ," he thinks. "She's gonna kill me,"

"Billy," Jade cries out and his head whips toward their bedroom. Her arm's falling off the mattress. "Come back to bed baby," And he takes one last look at himself before sighing and flicking the light switch off. "I'm comin' sweetheart,"

The story never ends though. Unfortunately, some things just don't work out. Divorce is tricky. Bill's parents are still married. Fifty years going strong and well, a broken family was never what he sought out for himself. So, he makes sure to hold Jade extra close now, breathing in the scent of her vanilla soap on her skin. "Bunny," he whispers.

Her eyes flutter open and she looks up at him with a hint of desperation. "I'm sorry," is all he says and she immediately understands what he's referring to. "I love you too,"

Running his tongue across his bottom lip, Bill, holds her chin, moving it up a little, before caressing her lips with his. "Now," he says, swiping his thumb across the smile on her lips. "Get some sleep,"

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

The Monday blues are a myth, Y/N thinks.

Because she feels absolutely great.

Class isn't until 11:30am, but she's applying a face masque at 8am, just cause. Some song by LANY is playing through her speaker and she's swaying her hips a little. Craziest thing is, she didn't even wake up this early with an alarm. Her phone died some time before she went to bed, so now she's just waiting for it charge some.

Her body just decided to wake up at the crack of dawn she guesses. Although, her dream was pretty eventful to say the least.

She remembers being in a car. A really old fashion 50's model (maybe a Cadillac) and in the dream she's wearing cat-eye glasses and a silk Chanel scarf around her neck, the tail blowing the wind. And she's in the passenger seat because, Bill's doing all the driving and he's dressed like a proper James Bond.

You know when the dream was so good, your brain won't let you forget it? Well, he kisses her right before she wakes up and somehow, she still feels his lips on her's.

Her thoughts are interrupted by her phone vibrating and she nearly leaps up and down like a child when she sees a message from Bill.

Except. . .

Wha-

Oh my god.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

tagged

@the-lonelyon3 @tinygayfungi @loveforbillskasgard @glxtter-dew @bringmebandimagines @shipping-not-sailing @lmayre17 @bill-istvan @skaryboybill @deathbyarabbit @pennywise-trashcan @guess-what-i-dont-know @skarswhat @hrhduchessofclarence

[5sosbitchfest]

Reactions to Luke’s IG Story 6/14/2020

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I hate her as much as the next person but bi people in straight relationships are still bi

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I call bullshit on Messy being bi. Sorry, if she was bi, why didn't she come out earlier? Her 'haters'? Where? Also, Luke needs to learn the difference between supporting Pride and celebrating it while PR dating a fake ass 'bi' woman.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I also don’t think it’s fair to say Sierra has never been in a same sex relationship we really don’t know who she’s dated. This is a big problem in the LGBT community, when a bi woman is in a relationship with a man her bi identity gets erased. Halsey has actually talked about this a lot. While I agree that Lierra is not a queer couple, that does not erase Sierra’s identity as a queer woman, and pride is absolutely still for her to celebrate too 🌈

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: *i understand that it was Luke’s post but obviously she had input to post it.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Does Messy’s journey of her sexuality excuse her transphobia? Bc I don’t think so. She sure is selective about who and what she celebrates then. She posted that picture for attention, like everything else she does. It sounds harsh and if she wants to share her journey then great but let’s recognize and call it out for what it is. She doesn’t need to have Luke in a post to talk about her sexuality. Happy Pride Month to that person she purposely misgendered and attempted to invalidate.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: It’s not about disliking Sierra anon. She has only officially came out in a reply on twitter that she later deleted. That’s the only time it’s been mentioned. People struggle to come out and she tweeted and deleted it as if she actually wasn’t saying it. And now her boyfriend is the one essentially coming out for her? That’s what the issue is anon she has never openly said she was bisexual and now that it’s pride month she is? This is just the first time it’s being brought up& it wasn’t even her

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I don’t care that Luke posted good on him but him posting something for pride halfway through the month makes the other boys look inconsiderate for not posting anything

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm the anon that said the thing about "lets not make this into a mikey situation" I agree that it was a complete distraction tactic, and I also can not stand Sierra I was just trying saying that even with those two things in mind the post isnt harming anyone and so we shouldn't get mad at luke for making it.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I hate to admit it but I don't see Lierra ending anywhere near soon. Yes, couples don't last forever and still I don't think they will but let's be honest, he cares about her. Idk how things are in their life, and I hope he's happy, but I think she will stay around for this year and maybe a bit of 2021. 🙄

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Okey but was the "biracial" necessary? It made me cringe...

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I know luke can be cringy when it comes to Sierra but cmon haven’t we learn by now all the cringy stuff if from Sierra being on his account lol

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Sierra wrote that ... no caps, her grammar, fave chosen emojis etc totes her 10000000000% although glad acknowledging bisexual biracial but Angel? Angel by day and to stans but I thought she was the “late night devil”

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Something about Luke’s ig story doesn’t sit well with me... the fact that he felt the need to state that she’s biracial and bisexual just makes it look like he’s treating her like some kind of a trophy to show off, idk it just doesn’t feel right

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Why do L and S feel the need to make everything about S? This isn't about you, so shut up and actually get a job.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: “beautiful bisexual biracial angel” i’m gagging and laughing so hard yeah he 100% wrote and posted that himself /sarcasm

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I love luke and I'm happy if he's happy but the way Sierra clings to him in that photo is so gross. It really just feels like she's using him to do her dirty work. Like that post didnt feel genuine at all and it really seems like luke isnt even trying to convince us anymore he just does the bare minimum to make her happy. I dont blame him tho. Just feels icky.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: As a straight person, I hate straight couples and hope to never be cringe.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I'm sorry but that Instagram story that luke posted talking about his "beautiful bisexual biracial angel🥰🥺" does NOT (capitalize, underline and bold) sound like how luke would type something. The first part where he talks about how far we have to go sounds like him but not that that part.. not even close. Want to bet either sierra typed it, gave him the idea to say that OR did both cause we know she monitors him like crazy

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: "Bisexual biracial" is so unnecesarry. Luke, hon, shut up. People are out here fighting for their rights, and you feel the need and have the audacity to make it about your crazy ass girlfriend? Don't get me wrong, I love the boys, but making every fcking thing about your girlfriend-particularly luke- is not the point of these movements. So stfu Luke, stfu Sierra, stop making everything about S. That pisses me off, sorry I just needed to rant somewhere.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: is it just me or does the whole “beautiful bisexual biracial angel” not sound like him or something he’d say??? idk I’m kinda new to the fandom but it felt cringey reading that come from him

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Did you see what luke posted on his story? Seems him and Sierra are getting along great, smh. Also she's confirmed bi as well I guess. That's cool. Hope she doesnt use it as a weapon to defend criticism tho. Also did luke redo his hair cuz it seems very white again. Idk. Seems fishy. What are your thoughts? Do you think he was told to post that to distract from mike?

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: just when I was starting to forgive luke for his “response” to messy’s MESS, he goes and posts this... I’m TIRED

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: ok but as a lesbian it makes me sooo happy that Luke is celebrating pride and he's supportive of her sexuality 🥺 men never take bisexuality seriously and I love that he respects that. YET as someone who doesn't like s I'm like why....... like this week has been so frustrating and we were all like "they don't defend m bc they're in a sm break" and now he comes to post this and doesn't say anything? i just :(

allisonscarlett said to 5sosbitchfest: Honestly pride month came just in time cause I remember some stans saying that sierra is probably not bisexual and now there's luke insta story. I'm not trying to erase anyone's sexual orientation, I'm bisexual myself and I've found it weird that in the past years sierra didn't anything about her sexuality during pride month (and don't remember when she tweeted about being bi but I don't thing that it was in during pride month)

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: is anyone else getting"i can't be racist/homophobic because my gf is biracial and bisexual" vibes from lukes ig story or is it just me??? does he know he's digging a hole???

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: should we assume luke posted that in response to the insiders muke information? interesting timing on his part

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I honestly can't stand Luke rn. Angel? Angel???? ANGELLL????????????

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Okay but I don't think that counts as a "a straight couple thinking pride is theirs to celebrate". Just cause Sierra is in a straight relationship doesn't take away from the fact that she's bi, or mean she can't celebrate pride. And I think Luke wishing her and everyone a happy pride is actually a really supportive thing for him and again doesn't really count as a straight person thinking pride is theirs to celebrate, because he's focusing on her, not himself.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: “my beautiful biracial angel” i hate it here

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Gonna say something to MAYBE make some people happy. That picture was taken at a PROTEST. So they probably aren't together 😂😂 they were just together for the protest

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: The biracial part of his story post is feeding into him being a king for dating a mixed person

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: ok luke did look very cute tho

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Every single time there’s any drama in the fandom, a new “cute” picture pops up and some people really think that’s goals? Like in what world is now the time for that kind of post, if it isn’t a direct pr response to the twitter mess of the past few days? Smh they’re not even trying to be subtle anymore

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: i think it’s fine for straight couples to go to and celebrate pride when one of them or both of them aren’t straight.

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: I was reading this blog a few hours ago and I read a post where someone said that everyone basically assumed sierra was bi bc of a comment and now Luke comes out calling her "bisexual" as if he was confirming it...Idk felt weird lol

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest:  Bisexual biracial angel😭😭 who made him write that and thought people will take it seriously

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: have you seen luke’s story? “especially to my bisexual biracial girlfriend” i fucking CACKLED like is it how she’s supposed to be known for?

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: thank you luke for that ig post for it will keep messy ass kissers away from m mentions for a while

Anonymous said to 5sosbitchfest: Funny how you just brought up everyone saying that Sierra was bi just cause she said she loved men and woman and woopty do guess what luke put on his insta story. “My beautiful bisexual biracial gf” Luke I love you but 🤢

[tangledstarlight]

choices we make (they can define us)

SPOILERS for nemesis games and babylon's ashes. seven years after the ships vanished through the gate, filip makes a call that he should have a long time ago.

' He couldn’t change things with Marco. It was a ship that had long since sailed and vanished. But Naomi was still out there. If he wanted to, he could try to talk to her. To reach out and try to salvage the remains of a relationship they barely had to begin with. '

i just wanted a filip and naomi reunion moment in ab or pr or a whole novella i dont care so i made it myself ok. (first time i’ve done an expanse fic so like. be nice? ikd) 

also on ao3

Filip.

His name had been Filip Inaros once upon a time. He had meant to be part of something big, something amazing, something history altering.

And then he hadn’t been.

He had met his mother. He had met the people his actions affected. He had seen the destruction and wreckage he had caused in a new light. He had let the little voice in the back of his mind to get a foothold and power through.

He had thrown away his gun, his terminal, his uniform. He had thrown away his name.

As far as anyone knew, Filip Inaros had vanished and died through the ring gates with the remnants of the Free Navy and Marco. In a way, he supposed it was true. If you wanted the solar system and its inhabitants to think you were dead, there wasn’t really a more spectacular way to do so.

He had been sitting in the waiting area of the workers union, his attention, like everyone else's, had been on the screens showing fifteen ships speeding for the ring gate and the certain destruction of the lone gun ship on the other side. Filip doubted anyone else in the room had known the true significance of Marco’s hatred for the Rocinante and her crew.

And then all fifteen ships had vanished. Between one blink and the next. There then gone.

Filip could still remember the silence that had fallen over the room, over the whole station. Everything that happened after that was a blur. He couldn’t remember getting his job assignment. Or when he moved into a tiny crappy hole in the worst part of the station. For long months he just went through the motions of living while his brain came to terms with the sudden gaping loss in his life, his heart.

He should have been on the ship. Should have been strapped into one of the crash couches next to Marco. Should have vanished into atoms along with the rest of them. Should have. Should have . Should have . On repeat in his brain.

News of the Rocinante making its way back to Sol for some big important meeting broke through the fog in his mind. Life was still going on. People were scrambling and trying to fix all the problems Marco and his Free Navy had left behind. It was the first time he remembers hating him, for caring more about them and ‘wrongs’ they had caused him instead of the Belt.

They were supposed to show the Inners their strength, to build a better future for all Belters, do something history altering. All Marco managed to do was destroy the Earth and leave everyone on the verge of collapse and death, at the mercy of the Inners. All because Naomi Nagata had walked away from him twice and never looked back. He wanted to hate her for it too, but he couldn’t find the hate for her anymore.

Where they should have been celebrating victory, freedom, only Filip stood. Doing what he could to help fix the station he had helped wreck on his fifteenth birthday.

Because Filip Inaros had been meant to be part of this something big, something amazing, something history altering. And it hadn’t happened. It was a dream lost to the void and it’s place taken by Filip Nagata who wanted to try and ease the guilt simmering in his chest, wanted to be no one important, wanted to live his life based on his own choices.

Working on environmental systems was something he knew how to do, knew how to fix and improve. It gave his life a sense of monotony and he couldn’t complain. It was what he had chosen to do. But when the announcements came through that the newly formed Transport Union was looking to hire on crew for some of its new ships, Filip felt a longing for ship life he hadn’t even known was there.

 He wanted to be part of a crew again.

So he had signed up. No one had even looked at him twice when the name Filip Nagata was called and he found himself stretching out on his new bunk, smiling at the sounds of a ship around him.

He was pretty sure, if Marco was alive and could see him working for the union that had been James fucking Holden’s idea, he would have found himself in an airlock and a countdown to put on a vac suit. But Marco was gone – had been assumed dead for five years and counting – and the Belt had found its saviour in Michino Pa and a peace with the Inners even he couldn’t deny was beneficial to everyone.

They’d done everything Marco had promised, raised the Belt up from the ashes and gave them a voice. Made them strong and important in the new world order. Sometimes he wondered what Marco would think.

Alaya was born on Mars but had lived and worked on Ceres since she was fourteen and her family had relocated. She was part of the maintenance crew on the ship and they first met when Filip dropped noodles on her foot. She was sweet and funny, didn’t mind when he went quiet or that there were parts of his past he couldn’t talk about. She introduced him to new music and Martian shows he begrudgingly found funny, she was the first person he had been with for longer than a few nights before having to leave.

He was pretty sure he loved her.

So when the news came that her mother was dying and that she needed to come home, Filip went with her without a second thought.

Though the second thought came while they were in the middle of docking and he remembered Anderson Dawes banning him from Ceres for shooting a security officer and he wondered if anyone would recognise him despite the time that had passed and the change of his name.

Filip didn’t want his past to be revealed to Alaya because he was getting arrested or deported. The thought came that maybe it was time to tell her everything. Unburden his soul and hope she was there to catch him if he fell.

Seeing Alaya with her parents, the way they hugged each other, smiled and asked how she was, listened to her tell stories from the ship, it made Filip realise he had never really experienced it. The unconditional love of a family unit.

Because he had Marco by his side his whole life teaching him, helping him, preparing him for a life as a Belter in an self made army. He had spent his childhood on ships and surrounded by people who said they loved him and cared about him like family. But Marco had never sat down and listened to him talk the way he was seeing now. Never asked him what he wanted to do with his life. And he would never get the chance to change that now.

Because Naomi had left before he could really remember her, forced out by someone trying to make her someone she wasn’t. Forced to leave him behind because everyone said she was crazy for not wanting to kill Inners like a true Belter. And Filip was old enough now, had had enough time to think about the past to realise how much it had probably hurt her to leave him behind, how much strength it had probably taken to keep living after. He couldn’t hate her for it anymore. But he wasn’t sure if he was ready to wholly forgive her either.

He couldn’t change things with Marco. It was a ship that had long since sailed and vanished. But Naomi was still out there. If he wanted to, he could try to talk to her. To reach out and try to salvage the remains of a relationship they barely had to begin with.

The whole idea was terrifying.

He found a secluded corner and opened up a new comm and looked at himself in the little viewing window. His hair had grown longer after months on the ship and there were signs of patches of hair on his face from the beard he was attempting to grow. He wondered if she would recognise him. He found himself hoping she would. If he sent the message it would leave the choice up to her about what happened next.

Maybe she wouldn’t even care.

He needed to know if she cared.

“Naomi, it’s Filip. Thought I should tell you I never got on the Pella when he went after you. Know I should have sent this long time ago and but I–” he paused looking away from the terminal and tried to find the right words for what he wanted to say. Seven years of emotions wanting to spill out. “Didn’t know if you’d want to know. Didn’t know how to say it, yeah? Told me to find you if I wanted to die. Didn’t want to die, me, just wanted out. So got out. Spent a lot of time trying to figure out who I am in the last few years. Got people I care about, people who care about me. Want to be someone who helps fix things, not break them. And wanted you to know that I’m okay,” It seemed like an insignificant explanation but it was the best he could do. “That I’m living a life I like. Been thinking me, yeah? On Ceres for a while, lots of time to think about things. About the past. Me and you, if you wanted, still chance to get to know each other, yeah? Past is past but we still got chance for a future maybe.”

Filip looked at himself in the viewing window, trying to decide if there was anything else he wanted to say. He could still delete the message, push his terminal back in his pocket and pretend he’d never thought about it. But then he remembered watching Alaya and her mom just that morning as they drank coffee and talked quietly together about plans they might not get to have.

He pressed send and tried not to think about it for the rest of the day.

☆☆☆

Naomi.

The message came through while Naomi was alone on the ops deck and in the middle of checking through their inventory, flagging what they needed to get once they hit Ceres. She had been expecting a response from someone about discounted replacement parts so hit play without checking the recipient. Her heart stuttered a beat as Filips voice filled the silence.

“Naomi, it’s Filip. Thought I should tell you…” She stopped listening. Her heartbeat echoing in her ears as all she could do were stare at the screen, at her boy as he talked. Not dead. He wasn’t dead. Naomi wasn’t sure she was breathing. Wasn’t sure she knew how to breathe anymore.

She had left him twice, had lost him three times. She had mourned. Had been mourning since the day she first left Ceres. And had never thought she would hear his voice again, see his face. The message had stopped play, was frozen on the screen with Filip facing the camera but looking away, jaw clenched like he was struggling with something. Forcing a breath out through her mouth, Naomi counted to five slowly before she played the message again, prepared to hear his voice this time and listened to what he had to say.

She listened to it another five times and didn’t notice when she started crying. She didn’t hear Jim coming up in the lift until he was standing behind her.

“Shit is that–?” He didn’t finish the sentence as Naomi paused the message and turned around in her chair, using the chuffs of her coveralls to wipe at her cheeks.

“Filip. He’s not dead.” Those three words started repeating themselves in her head, bouncing around as she tried to believe them. He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s not dead. He’s not dead.

“Shit,” he said again as if it was the only thing thought in his head. She couldn’t blame him. Her thoughts weren’t any more coherent right now either. “Can I?” Jim gestured to the message, asking permission to hear it. Naomi played it again, listened to it for the sixth time. Listening to it with someone else made it feel more real, made her believe it wasn’t a dream.

The two of them sat in silence for long seconds after it finished both of them lost in their own thoughts and emotions.

“What are you going to do?” Jim asked his eyes on hers and a small smile on his lips. As if he already knew what she was going to do before she had even decided.

“He wants to get to know me. I–,” Naomi shook her head once and closed her eyes to order her thoughts, her emotions. There were too many to sort through, so she clung to the joy and relief and new found hope. She could worry about the rest later. Opening her eyes she let out a deep breath and turned to face Jim with a small smile of her own. She knew he would support her whatever her choice. “I need to reply. Tell him I want the chance too.”

“Okay. Want me to keep everyone out of here while you do it?”

“Gonna do it in our room. Quiter. Might take me a while.” She got up from her crash couch, stretching her arms above her head, paused to kiss Jim on the cheek once before heading towards the lift, already trying to work out what she was going to say. She stopped before she headed down, looking back to Jim as he watched her. “Can you tell the others, please?”

“Of course. I’ll be in the galley if you need me.” And she knew he meant it, if she needed him for anything he would be there. She loved him for it, even more for him knowing she needed to do this alone.

Alone in her and Jim's room, Naomi sat on the edge of the bed and stared at her terminal. Everything she wanted to say seemed insignificant, seemed too small, seemed too late for the situation they were in. But he had reached out to her, and Naomi wasn’t about to let him go again. Opening the message she let it play again, using the minutes to calm her racing heart and focus her thoughts. When the prompt to reply flashed, she hit it.

“Hello Filip. I– thank you doesn’t seem like the right thing to say, but it’s the only thing I can think of. Knowing that you’re not– knowing that you’re okay, it’s something I never thought I’d hear you say. I’m glad you’re okay. All I ever wanted was for you to be okay, to be happy, yeah?” She tried to smile, hoping it came across as genuine and not so grimaces as it did to her. “You have been part of my heart from the second you were born, I’ll take being part of your life in anyway you’ll let me. We’re docking on Ceres in a few weeks, if you want we could meet? Talk, dinner on me,” she shrugged with one hand, trying to nonchalance but failing and not caring. “Up to you. I'm glad you’re okay Filip, I hope you’re happy too.”

She didn’t stop to review it, knowing she would never be able to make it perfect the way she wanted it to be. There probably wasn’t a way to make it perfect, this wasn’t really something people did every day. She just hit send, watching as the file loaded and zipped off at lightspeed along with all the hope she didn’t know she still had.

The reply came two days later while she was in the galley with Bobbie as they stood around the coffee machine. It must have been obvious from the look on her face what it was.

“Want me to go?” She asked and it took Naomi a split second to decide she didn’t want to be alone this time.

“No, no it’s okay. Stay,” she looked up at her over the top of her terminal and Bobbie gave her a reassuring smile as Noami took a deep breath and hit play. She was ready for his voice this time, ready to see his face. It still felt like a punch to the gut though. It was a short message.

“Dinner sounds good. Things to talk about, no light delay make it easier, yeah?” There was a hint of a smile in his voice she thought, or maybe it was just wishful thinking. “Send details after you dock.” It seemed like that was all he had to say as he a small furrow appeared between his brows before it vanished and he spoke again. “I am happy. Glad you’re okay too.”

Naomi blew out a breath and closed her eyes. He wanted to meet, have dinner, talk. She wasn’t sure if she wanted to cry or shout with joy. Instead she let out a strangled sounding laugh.

“That’s good, right?” Bobbie asked and Naomi opened her eyes at the hint of concern she heard in the Martians voice.

“Yeah, no yeah this– shit this is good. I didn’t...I didn’t think he’d want to meet.” She accepted that her relationship with him would consist of short messages and that would be okay. Being able to see him in the flesh seemed unreal. Last time it hadn’t exactly ended well. Idly, Naomi wondered home many second chances she would get at this.

Bobbie squeezed her shoulder once and smiled.

“We’ll brainstorm some good places for you two to have an easy meeting. I don’t think any of our usual haunts are gonna cut it, karaoke and emotional reunions doesn’t seem like a good fit.”

Naomi laughed shaking her head a little but what Bobbie said worked to calm her thoughts down, easing her anxiety for a moment. She had just under two weeks to figure out a plan. She could do that.

☆☆☆

Filip.

Filip leaned against a wall opposite the entrance of Clock Work and tried to keep his fingers from tapping against his thighs as he waited. He’d already thought about turning back three times on his walk here and he was pretty close to making that four times. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe he didn’t need questions answered or a relationship with his estranged mother. He could push away from the wall and walk back to the hole him and Alaya were renting and knew she wouldn’t judge him for it. He balled his hands up into fists.

It wasn’t until the reply from Naomi came that Filip knew he needed to tell her about his past. It hadn’t been as bad as he’d expected. She had had a lot of questions. They’d both cried. She’d told him he was a good man. He didn’t think she was right about that. But she had convinced him that meeting Naomi would be a good thing for them both.

“You said it yourself, she wants to try. You’ve both got questions and only the two of you can answer them for each other. You go. You sit and you talk. If at the end you don’t want to see her again, you’ve gotta hope she’ll respect that. If you want to get to know her more then at least you’ve got a starting point.”

So he’d said yes. And then gotten a text message two days ago asking if he was free today during the second shift and could meet at Clock Work two levels up from the docks. He’d almost said no before he had agreed. He really hated waiting.

Ten minutes before agreed upon time Filip saw her come around the corner. Her hair was longer and the way she held herself seemed different from he remembered, though he guessed when you weren’t somewhere against your will it did change the way you walked. For a moment Filip considered – for the fifth time, but who was keeping count? – turning away. He still had time, she hadn't spotted him yet.

And then she did. She hesitated midstep, causing people to swerve around her with annoyed grunts but she didn’t seem to notice. She was just looking at him. Deep down Filip was pretty sure if he decided to turn away now she wouldn’t follow him. He pushed away from the wall and took a step towards her, towards the tiny restaurant she had picked and she followed him. Neither of them talked while they entered and picked a booth at the back, not that it mattered, the place was empty.

“Glad you came, wasn’t sure you would,” Naomi said and there was a small hesitant smile there. He was glad she was finding this as hard as he was, and didn’t miss the honesty in the statement.

“Thought about turning back couple of times.” If she could be honest, he could too.

The silence between them was awkward and tense with so many different emotions he didn’t know which they were meant to address first. Maybe there was too much past in their past to move on from. They each ordered without talking and Filip began scratching at a part of the table top that was peeling away. When Naomi broke the silence he startled.

“So do you live on Ceres or just visiting?” Present was the safe subject, he wondered if she was building up to talking about the past.

“Visiting. I–” he paused deciding if he wanted to talk about working for the Transport Union, about Alaya. It only took him a few seconds to decide he did. “After, lived on Callisto for a while, working on the environmental systems there, helped set up the new ones for the shipyard. Transport Union put out adverts for crew for some of their new ships, yeah? ‘Bout two years ago. I signed up. Work the Inners’ roots, don’t go through the rings. Met this girl. Alaya. Her– Her mom’s sick, she needed to come back home, I came with her.” He shrugged with his hands and dared a look at Naomi, to try and guess what she was thinking. He couldn’t decide what he saw on her face.

“Alaya. Wh-What’s she like?”

So Filip told her. About how they’d first met, about how she made him laugh, about how she was going to force him to visit Mars one day but that he was kind of excited about it. And he asked her questions too. About what she had been doing, what it was like going through the ring gates, visiting the new worlds. He didn’t mention Marco and she didn’t either. It went unsaid that in all her stories James Holden was present too, but that wasn’t a subject either of them were ready to touch yet.

They ate when their food came, keeping up their steady stream of easy conversation. He was smiling at her without thinking by the end of their meal and he found himself asking one of the questions that had always bugged him.

“Why him?”

She didn’t ask who he meant and she went quiet for a moment, frowning down at her bowl like she was thinking something through. When she blew out a breath and looked back up at him Filip knew he’d ended the time for pointless topics.

“After I left here the first time, ran away and signed up with the first long haul ship I could find, I shut myself down. Tried not to care about things like before. Promised myself I wouldn’t make the same mistakes twice, that I wouldn’t ever follow the fanatics or let people control me. Leaving you, broke something in me. Something I’ll never be able to fix. Didn’t leave looking to find someone new. Me and Jim,” she paused, and Filip watched a soft smile touch her lips as she shrugged at him, “Not something either of us was looking for or expecting. He’s...he’s there when I need him and knows when I need to be alone. He always respects my choices even if he doesn’t understand them. He doesn’t try to fix the broken things in me, doesn’t mind my past. He makes me laugh. He loves me and I love him. Can’t always choose who you love Filip, but I’d always choose him.”

Her hands were on the table, palms up and open. If he wanted to he could reach across and hold her hand, squeeze it and tell her he understood. Because, he did understand. Someone loving you despite your past was something he was just beginning to understand, he couldn’t hate her for finding that and not wanting to let it go.

He reached across and up his hand in hers. There was a split second where she didn’t react, frozen by the sudden contact, and then her fingers were wrapping around his and they were both squeezing a little too tight.

“Why did you decide to leave?”

Now it was her turn to ask a big question. His fault for starting the conversation down this road.

“Marco he–” Filip frowned a little not knowing why it was hard to talk about this with Naomi, “He said we were going to help the Belt. That everything about the Free Navy was to help the Belt to independence, to make it stronger. Kept said we were winning when we were just running away. And we were hurting the Belt too, yeah? Not helping. Reason Belters were dying. All he cared about was racing to the ring, to stop or kill you and Holden. Not about the Belt anymore. Nothing was his fault, all someone else's,” he stopped, trying to figure out where his thoughts were. He didn’t know how to explain it in a way that made sense.

“Wasn’t just one thing. Lots of little things, became big things. Way he treated me. Always a new plan pretending to be the original because the first one failed. Didn’t wanna be part of it anymore. You were right, yeah? Always got the right to walk away. So I did.”

“It must have been hard.”

Filip shrugged, he tried not to think about those first few days after he threw away his terminal, and had decided to leave everything behind. He wasn’t even sure he could remember what had happened, everything had been a haze back then. Tears pricked at his eyes and Filip used his free hand to wipe at them. He swallowed down the lump in his throat as Naomi squeezed his hand again.

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there for you then. Here for you now though,” there was such kindness in her voice Filip couldn’t help but look at her or stop the smile.

“Okay.” He didn’t know what else to say. Didn’t seem to matter, she seemed to accept the answer for what it was. Clearing his throat once Filip slowly pulled his hand back, tried not to notice the frown he saw on her face. “Should be going. Said I’d help Alaya with something.”

“Right, of course,” she smiled at him and then shook her head when he reached out to pay his share of the tab. “Said I’d pay. Meal on me, remember? You can get it next time.” It was asking the question without even asking it. He was grateful she did and he wouldn’t be left wondering if maybe this was a one time thing.

“Yeah. There’s a place I know that does good kibble. Always got fresh spices,” he gave her a smile.

Saying goodbye brought back the air of awkwardness, though not as obvious as before. Neither of them seemed to know what to do with their hands, both knew they weren’t at a hugging stage but just parting without anything seemed wrong. Before he could decide if a handshake was worse then nothing Naomi grabbed his hand in both of hers and squeezed once, giving him a smile.

“Thank you. For all this. For reaching out. Kibble next time. Oyedeng, Filip. Stay safe, yeah?” She squeezed his hand again and then let go.

“Yeah. Bye, Naomi. See you again soon.” He didn’t wait to see if she watched him walk away, and he didn’t look around to watch her leave either. He just walked.

There was still a lot of pain and hurt between them, Filip didn’t know if they would ever be able to clear the air fully, but he was glad they had the chance to try now. He was glad to have a chance to get to know her. Would even – one day – be glad to know her new family. It was a long way off but knowing the choice was there meant everything.

[sharkytrash7]

My last say. Hopefully not my final essay.

So I've been watching YouTube videos of how to get over ex's and how to deal with break ups. In my heart, I know we belong together. I know the fact that I'm not Christian is a problem. My arguement is that you never fell in love with an atheist. You fell in love with me. Its tough when you refer to me as atheist because I'm so much more then that. You of all people know that. I love you with all my heart. I want to marry you still. I'm not of being alone or being without you. I'm scared of what I am without you. To be honest you were and still are my guardian angel in my eyes. You've changed my life and I hate to see you leave. You keep emphasizing that we might not be together but I still have hope we'll be together. After all, you have my rib. I know things are hard for you at the moment with God. Its tough for me 2. I go to afda and put on a smile pretending I'm fine. You want to be with a Christian. I get that. But no Christian will be as good as I am to you. Even tough I'm not a Christian, I can try to be the best person in the world for you. I dont love for your looks or your voice or cause you give me affection or cause you buy me stuff or cause you did things to me. Its all those things and more. I love you cause youre you. I would never change anything about you. Even your cute toes. Once upon a time I promised you I'd convert for you. I want to make this clear ! I am not trying to manipulate you in any way shape or or form ! Im just venting to tumblr. I'd keep my promise. It wouldnt be for you or for me but for us. Cause your right woman ! Its just better if we're both Christian. I know your gonna be thinking, "hmmmm, hes probably just saying this so I get back with him. He just wants me back. What an ass" and it does look like that. Thats why. Huh. Idk actually. I guess it is kinda fucked up to say this. Kinda shity cause then it would make your life 10 times harder. Okay so ignore that bit. Im not deleting it because effort AND because I said it / typed it with meaning and for a reason.

I get why we dont talk because if your parents find out they'll lose their minds and also because I'm pulling you away from your God things. But like when will I be able to date you. Ya know. Like even if I was Christian, your parents would still hate me. And if your parents forgave me. I wouldnt be Christian. So i get your side of life. Cause thats tough cookie. I wish our love could be enough because it is lowkey for us. Its a rough one. I wanna tell you so many things but i dont wanna jinx your future. I just find it crazy that you think your going to marry someone else. People have been saying its just because your my first girlfriend but I dont believe em. I felt a connection with you. Something I dont see happening with anyone else. You keep telling not to wait for you but its what I feel is right. Just like how you said it feels right to break up. I dont think this will last forever. We'll I wont be able to last much longer but. I feel like we've got this. We've been through a lot together and I'm positive about us. When I said us not being together would be a watse I didnt mean a waste of time or money or anything. I just meant it would be crazy for us to go through everything we did just to let (a big deal) get in the way. I love you. I love you. I LOVE YOU MY BOO !

Lowkey in the back of my head thinking this

I know I said these things but I cant hold you to anything. You could be over me and my shit and want another relationship. I have to deal with that. If you want some buff white english indie guy to come love you then that the way it'll be.

Deep down I want it to be though. Like I want to be your knight. Your dark knight _wink wink_. I know eternal life is a big thing for you and I'd like to be there with you to. I dont really know if I'll be accepted up in heaven. Even if i am a Christian. Im hard on myself like that. Id rather let more deserving people go to heaven. Idk why I put myself. Its just me. I just see potential in others. More so than in myself. I see my purpose on earth as a chance to help others. You know. Plus im sure when (i cant remember the name of it) the blue lights come down and take people to heaven. Im sure I'll meet you up there. Your just so scared of messing up like one thing and I get it I was like that 2. Id make sure everything was planned out. Truth is. I hd to stop being scared in order to move forward. Like after my car accident. I was terrified to drive again. I couldnt deal with driving. But i had to get over it. And I know you blame yourself and God for what happened. Please dont. Everything happens for a reason. I feel like that stuff taught me a lesson about being calm and calming myself down. It definitely wasnt God punishing you for being with me. Again not trying manipulate you or preach to you or try to change your thoughts. Its just my opinion. All I'm hoping you do is consider what I'm saying. I really truley am sorry about everything but at the same time. Everything that happened has happened and its made us who we are. If given the chance I'd do it again.

Also lowkey I'd love to celebrate 2 years with you. #nopressure. Like seriously I'm being serious but at the same time dont stress you cute little head about it. If it doesnt happen it doesnt happen.

My eating habits have gotten worse. Idk. Im lowkey scared im dying. I want to go to the doctor but its expensive and I've been such a burden on my parents. I'm pretty sure I can wait a couple years before getting it checked up.

My new glasses are cool. You have to see yhem in person. That another thing. I thought i wouldve seen you by now just driving or something. But i guess you only really drive to church and home. Or to someones house or like a party thing.

Happy 21st birthday baby. Wow. Your getting like so old. I still remember falling in love with the 19 year old you. Look how far we came. A whole 2 years. Youve grown so much since then. Firstly you don't bump into cars xD. Jk. You really have become such a grown up and I've been blessed being there with you. You became independent and youve become yourself. Its was a wild trip but to see you come out on top has been worth it. You deserve the world. And if anyone tries to hurt you / stop you, send em my way. Youre one of the most beautiful intelligent cutest amazingest bestest person in the whole world. Happy Birthday Boo.

The boo tattoo. We getting em together ? Also all your stuff is still here so if you do move out invite me over sometime so i can drop off these things. Lowkey your life is amazing and spontaneous and I have huge FOMO (fear of missing out). You don't to worry about me tho. I've been waiting to do things with you.

Moving out. Yeah. Its a big possibility next for me. I remember you originally said we can't live together which sucked but made sense. So. If you ever need a place to stay. Call me. I'll set up a guest bedroom for you.

I wasnt going to with your dad a happy birthday because you never with mine I dont think. But im not a monster like you. Jk lol. You probs just forgot.

Also it really sucks you cant speak 2 me. Your not an asshole. I just wish you could've helped me calm down.

Im sorry this was so long. I'm sure Ive forgotten things and said things I shouldnt have but tbh its been kinda theraputic for me. Like I feel a lot better having got thise things off my chest. You dont have to reply to anything yet. Cause I know your brains busy atm. If you can acknowledge that you seen it that would be nice. But ja. Please dont take anything Ive said personally or strongly. I just blurped things out and yes things do have meaning. But it takes two to tango. I desperately want to tango with you though.

Ps I love you

Pps Im sorry

Ppps take me back

Pppps jk. not jk

Yours truly

Triston Kyle Pillay (Penguin)

3:36 Vala is today. Shhhh

[parkjmini]

bts as fuckboys

[a/n]: inspired by @sweetersuga  | original post: x i wrote it as the perspective that you’re already close friends w them/have been with them before !!

Seokjin

he’s the funny, sarcastic one where he could be kind of mean bc he takes it a lil far

“you’re such trash you sleep with every girl”

“at least I can get someone to sleep with me”

he flashes a smile in the hall bc he KnOws iT GeTs oN YouR NeRveS

“When’s my birthday”

“January 1st bc u set off my fireworks baby”

“i am disgusted”

piggy back rides on those goddamn strong broad set of shoulders ooffff

“I’ll call you, ya?”

He never calls u bc he probably forgot too busy improvin himself

you have a streak with him and all he sends are selfies with the caption “I hope your day is as beautiful as I am (:”

He catches you staring in class one day and he’s like “take a pic, it’ll last longer babe”

And omg he ACTUALLY TELLS YOU TO TAKE A PHOTO OF HIM

so now u have a gallery full of jin and he wont let u delete them bc he thinks they’re all masterpieces you do too but youd never admit it

the only fuckboy that’s tolerable bc he’s rlly just a big goof 

“why don’t you ever have sleeves on your shirt jin”

“these shoulders are on display, honey, can’t cover up the jewels”

he’s kind of obnoxiously loud that u want to shove ur fist into his mouth to sh u t  him uP 

“dude, jimin’s hot”

“okay but so am i ??”

“ok ya youre really hot but so is jimin”

“jiMIN (Y/N) THINKS YOU’RE—-”

“–ANNOYING THANKS SEOKJIN PLS SHUT UP WHY R U STILL TALKING WOW”

“just trying to get my baby some more dick jeEZ”

Yoongi

“hey yoongs why dont we go on a date??”

“uuhhhhhh since when were we dating? lmao dont trip” 

gets a new number every 2 months bc he loves fucking w them crazy bitches too much

“sometimes you need to mess around with the ones who can bite off your dick, being risky is hot (-;”

“BEinG riSkY iS hOt ya u wont have a penis anymore at the rate you’re going”

kind of smells like a mixture of alcohol and cologne 

hand-on-ass-when-he-hugs

“let’s play a game, if u lose u have to take off ur clothes, if i lose u have to take off ur clothes”

“wait but yours stay on ?? wtf yoongi??”

“no mine will come off right after i see u naked (;”

the one to play with the ends of your skirt/dress/shirt bc it gets u so flustered and he lives seeing u flustered 

straight up Arrogantᵀᴹ at times its hot but ur so annoyed by it that u wanna knock some sense into him

wont ask for nudes but will ask to see some goods

“can i see ur tits”

“for the 4039th time, no”

“well, a man can try”

SMIRKY MC SMIRKY HERE like it just comes OUT of NOWHERE and it is OUT to ATTAC 

u dont have a snap streak w him bc it always breaks bc he replies every 3 years bc he was “busy”

but he’s always the fourth person to like your instagram posts???????

and to comment the water droplet/eye/tongue emoji combo ????

loves when u swat his hands away from gripping your thigh 

Hoseok

(i wanted to use this gif but it was so big and rectangle and didnt fit but u need to see that gif to really take in the fuckboy bc i cannot find a representation as accurate as that gif is)

always greeting you whenever he sees you

“hey babygirl”

“hoseok we just saw each other in chemistry”

“ok and????? can’t i say hi to my baby?”

“but im not”

“lmao every girl is my baby”

raises his eyebrows any time you fix your dress or your shirt

asks to borrow a pencil and never returns it

“where is my pencil hoseok”

“where is my kiss (y/n)”

“we didnt agree to that”

“well i didnt agree to give it back”

“dO u NoT kNOW whAT BoRRoW meANS”

loves to share so he shares a lot of his snacks with u

“omg i love snacks!!”

“oh baby me too” and trust me, he’s not talking about the food

has the brightest, kindest smile so it catches you off guard when he says some snarky fuckboy comment

loves physical contact !!!!! always has a hand on your back, or shoulder, or thigh, or hand, or arm

lip LICKING PARDON ME HIS TONGUE IS UNCONTROLLABLE

lets you wear his hats/jackets/hoodies bc he thinks youre sooo cute in his clothes

he walks around school with his hands in his pockets like a doUCHEBAG

catches you off guard by spinning you around with his arm around your waist 

uses the line “im a dancer” to get girls what an eyeroll

the type to drag you onto the middle of the dance floor at a club just so he could show off his skillz which are actually super bomb like even ur impress and uve seen them 308443 times

he got that sweatpants dick print 

Namjoon

changes his contact name to Daddy on your phone

Mr. Ass Man he loves ass ASS ASS ASS SO MUCH ASS BIGGEST ASS LOVER

“oh shit did you see her ass”

“look here bootylover123 stfu”

winks at you a lot in the halls 

“do you have a fucking eye problem namjoon”

“its a wink” 

“u do it so much that im beginning to think youre eye is having a spasm 

lets you copy his homework if he got a hug in return

the type to comment a peach emoji on your instagram photos even if there is no butt involved

loves when you sit on his lap 

one time there weren’t enough seats on the bus and he patted his leg for you to sit

“i know you hate standing (y/n), take a seat itll be fine”

“why can’t u be a gentleman and give up your seat for me?”

*alMOST CHOkES from LAUGHING* “me???!!! a gentleman??? wow u expect too much, just sit your big ass down on daddy’s lap or suffer standing”

buys you lunch bc he loves showing off his e x p e n s i v e w a l l e t 

he could go from having a full blown brilliant monologue as to why he exists to giggling about how your moles r arranged into the shape of a penis 

calls girls mami or ma 

asks for ass pics at like 1:32 AM 

and u send him pictures of ur elbow crease 

and he actually thinks its ur butt

BLASTS baby makin music from his car and causes a public disturbance 

has the highest count of broken beds, not bc of a high body count, but bc he actually breaks the bed everytime he sleeps w someone

Jimin

spaces out when ur wearing a low cut top bc hes too busy staring at ur cleavage 

his streak snaps are either mirror pics, his abs, mirror pic of his abs, and occasional dick pics

“wanna play 20 questions (;”

“we’ve played 20 questions like 20 times already”

“ok gr8 ill start first: will u let me hit it from the back??”

offers to netflix and chill all the time and it sux bc he actually knows all ur fav shows

ok let me reiterate, jimin knows all ur favorite anythings bc he listens to u 75% of the time bc he thinks ur voice is sexy 

will never fail to compliment you when u look good 

“damn baby, is this all for me????”

“no i just dont want to look like a hobo today”

gets super jealous when any other guys speak to u even tho hes piping down like 8 other girls 

“jimin they’re my frIENDS ur not even my bf why u tripping”

“they arent acting like theyre ur friends. i know fuckboy behavior when i see it (y/n) its my occupation, i do the same shit w girls”

“thats good then, someone else wants me too”

“not good bc ur HOT ASS IS MINE )-:”

youre saved as #1 babygirl on his phone no objections

walks into class with a new hickey in a new place every day 

he has SEX EYES u could never look him directly in the eyes bc theyre so captivating 

fucking walks like an arrogant prick down the hall and whistles when u pass 

brags about his big dick when its honestly not as exaggerated as he says 

has a picture of you in one of his shirts as his homescreen wallpaper 

Taehyung

“i wont show anyone, im not messed up like that” yea be careful w this one honey, pretty sure jungkook, hobi, yoongs, namjoon all know how ur tits look like

has the perfect innocent face where u have no idea that he’s fucking 4 other girls

always responds after 12 am and calls u at 3 am 

“tae im fucking sleeping”

“damn thats hot what else u doin??”

“hanging up on u goodbye im going to block ur number”

“pls don-”

uses the line, “i just dont think we’re compatible” on E V Ery GIRL 

offers to hangout but never follows up with it bc he’s never seen out in public with a girl unless its his momma 

“jasmine is telling everyone you gave her chlamydia, u get checked bro??”

“dont worry about it”

body count means a lot to him 

loves hugs bc he likes feeling boobs squished against him

sometimes INTENTIONALLY lowers his voice bc he KNOWS ur into that shit 

thinks youre playing hard to get when rlly u just dont care lol

“i know u want all of this, (y/n)”

“i think ur mistaken”

“right bc i want all of u (:” 

“ya tae let’s not get ur feelings mixed w mine ok thx u”

NO SUCH THING AS PERSONAL SPACE the boy is a koala and will latch onto u 

Jungkook

the biggest fuckboy of them all

has slept w almost every girl in the school and is v proud of it

“what’s your name again”

“rlly jungCOCK” 

“ok (y/n) i know ur fkcing name so can u learn mine”

u dont think he’s ever had a gf b4 bc he doesnt believe in labels OR commitment which hes pretty vocal abt 

unlike jimin, he doesnt own up to his dick pics and swears that they were “”accidents””

SCrEENsHOTS! but ur smart so ur face is NEVER in ur pics

“who’s boobs r on ur phone kook”

“yours”

“you WOULDNT DARE”

“i dont have photogenic memory (y/n) i wanted to remember those cuties without a shirt on (;”

looks too fucking good w a fresh cut that u need to avoid him in the halls or ull melt to goo

only owns white tees and timbs lmao hahahaha 

smirks when you bend down to pick something up 

that or he yells, “one more time, babe!”

“wat u doin”

“showering”

“without me!!1???” 

he’s on tinder too so once he’s done with the sampling pool at school, he can broaden his horizons 

a car enthusiast and will get offended if u dont think his rims r cool

thinks youre really hot when you yell at him or hurt his feelings 

youre his prized possession bc he actually likes talking to u but will never admit it 

has a specific nickname for u that he doesnt call his other girls bc its YOURS !! 

“hey cutie”

“hey jungCOCK”

hates the nickname jungCOCK 

[things-i-want-2-tell-u-but-cant]

12/12/18 - 9.39 pm

I’m broken and numb. My mind is fuzzy, my stomach is in knots and I feel sick. I don’t know what to think, feel or do. Everything is up in the air and I hate it. I hate all of this.

After 7 months with you, going on 8, I never expected us to be in this position. Tip toeing around our problems, hurting each other. I have never been so unhappy as I have been this past month. And don’t think I’m blaming this on you, because I’m not. I know I am just as much to blame, if not more. After our talk on Friday I’ve realised that a lot of our problems have come from me. I say things expecting you to realise what I’m meaning, when you take everything at face value and dont read into anything. Which, I would say is probably the only cause of our problems really... and for that I am so fucking sorry. My heart is literally aching thinking about everything I’ve caused.

You’ve told me before that I need to be honest, and to tell you things - the reason you’re perspective has changed. And that I understand, but I hope you can see things from my side and see my reasoning behind why I can’t. The truth is I’m terrified. As it is, I don’t know what you want. And I feel like if I tell you the truth and how I’m feeling... I’ll ruin every chance with you and you’re going to leave if you don’t like what I have to say. And I know that probably won’t happen. But at the moment I feel like I am gripping onto us by a thread.

Which is where the whole things with other girls come in. It is true, I did tell you that it was okay to see other people. But I didn’t actually mean it in a sense. When I found out that you were talking to Khadra and that it seemed more than I thought it was... I was hurt. My heart broke and my stomach dropped. Truth be told, I knew the whole day while you were at my house on Sunday, I just didn’t want to let you know it effected me so much. But from that, I instantly felt like I wasn’t enough for you. You already had told me you wanted nothing from me but a friendship, you had been messaging girls on tinder asking to meet up and god knows what else... so thats why I said it was okay. Because after saying that you would either tell me you didn’t want to - and tell me I was enough for you.... or you would go to other chicks and prove that you didn’t want me at all... which unfortunately is what happened. And in my mind I already don’t feel good enough. So instantly all I could see was that you had found someone skinnier, prettier funnier and probably nicer than me. And that hurt. I’m not blaming it on you at all either, I just wanted to explain the reasoning behind why I said it and then got so upset by it all - its 100% still my fault it happened. 

Another thing I accept is that my type of communication is not the best. I struggle a lot to be able to say what I’m thinking - like forming the words is really hard for me and something I struggle with a lot. I generally have so much going on in my head that the only way I can make it make sense is by writing it all down - which is why I generally send you long messages like this haha (SORRY). But yeah so thats why it also may seem like I may hold back. Just know, it isn’t because I dont want you to know, its because Im literally just overwhelmed by emotion and I can’t make sense of it until I am able to sit down and write it all down. If i dont it literally will take me days to realise what the fuck is going on haha. But if you decide to take a shot on me - I’ve got a way around this dont you worry!

I apologize for everything I have said to you the past week - I know some of it would have been hard to hear and probably hurt you.. I didn’t intend on that. I think I’ve just been hurting for so long, I couldn’t it anymore. The truth is, I don’t think I can do the just friends thing. I tried my hardest, I really did. But at the end of the day I love you. And i know you don’t feel the same. But I just can’t sit there while I’m just “one of the boys” to you and I consider you to be my whole word (little bit of an exaggeration but ya get my point). 

You told me that I need to look at myself in a more positive light... And I get that. But one part of that is realizing I deserve better than just to be some girl who sits there waiting on a man she loves hand and foot while Theres a good chance that he could be fucking some other girl the whole time without her knowing. And I know that’s probably dramatic in your eyes. But I’ve spent so many years of my life doing this for other guys. I sit around, giving them my all, only to get sidelined and used as a toy when theyre bored or in between girlfriends. I love you with all of my heart but I don’t want to go back to that. To feeling useless and worthless.

So the choice is yours. I don’t expect you to come up with an answer within a day. You can take as long as you want or need. But before you do. Theres some things I need you to know. 

Firstly, I know you’re used to people leaving. But i swear to you, that isn’t going to happen with me. If anything, the past few weeks have proved that. Even in the hardest of times, like the past month, I will choose you. I will fight for you the whole way through, and never ever give up on you if you let me. And I also know, that its also YOU having to leave which scares you. But i hope you get that if we’re together, I would go with you as soon as I could. And until that day I would save every cent I had to be able to visit you every chance I have. I would call you every day. I would do everything I could to stick by your side. Because I know you haven’t had much of a chance to have someone do that, to have someone that stays by your side no matter what happens and no matter what the distance. But i promise you, if given the chance, I would do that all for you and so much more. Because, believe it or not I have the same fear. You’re the only person who has stayed... everyone else, even my friends has given up on me. Even my family. When i moved up to Auckland I literally went 6 months without once seeing my mum. So i know what its like for people to be ripped away from you or to leave your life.. and I would never ever put you through that. I’m sticking with ya until the day you tell me youre done. 

I also need you to know that it’s okay. You have this strong fear associated with me. You’re so worried and scared that you’re going to hurt me or fuck my life up. And because of that you hold me at arms length. Every time you let me close and become vulnerable, you push me away and go back to wanting nothing to do with me. I know you think you’re a mess. That could be true, but fuck. Look at me, I’m the biggest mess of them all. But that doesn’t mean anything. It doesnt mean you dont deserve love, it doesnt mean you’re going to hurt everyone in you’re life who gets close to you. We have a lot to still learn about ourselves, and thats okay. But I need you to know that I’m willing to go through that all with you. We’ve grown so much as people in the last 7 months, just imagine what we can achieve with more time. And if you haven’t fucked my life up by now, I’m pretty sure that it won’t happen considering I’m growing stronger every day.

And that’s another thing. I still don’t think you believe how much you mean to me. Like Tira and I constantly told you on Friday but you wouldn’t accept it. And I think the one thing that highlights that, is the fact that after feeling the way I’ve been feeling and after everything, I’m still here. Even when I said we were done - I couldnt help but message you everyday. I was constantly wondering if you were okay, etc. You’re the first person I’ve even done this with, trying to talk everything out. Usually I would give up and just walk away. But with you... I can’t. 

I know I probably sound fucking crazy (my bad if i do), I just love you. 

I love the fact that you can write a rap in less than an hour - and a fucking good rap at that. I love the way you get self conscious and shy when you tell me about the things you like or find funny and always do the typical “hahhahaha nah i dont know”. I love the way you’re starting to open up to me, like on Sunday morning telling me about your childhood and your songs. I love the way even when you thought you hated me, you still went out of your way to check if I was alright. I love the way how you always put me first - like you were so mad and upset on Sunday morning but as soon as you saw I was crying you like melted and were so kind to me. I love the way I feel so comfortable at youre house, like ugh, I adore your mum shes so lovely. I love the way you make me feel at home, something I haven’t felt since I was year 6. I love the way you believe in me more than anyone else i know, and even when we’re not in a good space, you still stand up for me. Theres not one thing I don’t love about you, apart from you’re farts, those are raaank. But at the end of the day what I’m trying to say is there isn’t anything you could do that would make me hate you. We’re young, we have so much to learn about ourselves and each other. There are going to be days when we want to kill each other. Theres days where we may hurt each other. But I know for a fact, that we care for each other so much, and only want the best for each other. I just idunno, I’ve spent over half a year with you... and ive enjoyed myself so much it feels like its only been about 3 months. I wouldnt have wanted to spend the time with anyone else and im so greatful and appreciative of you. 

I’m not asking you for the world. I’m not expecting you to want to be in a relationship with me and start calling me you’re girlfriend over night. Thats unrealistic. But for me, It’s more a choice of whether you want to pursue other girls like khadra, megan and morgan. Or you want to delete your tinder, and give us a shot. We can still start off as friends. We dont have to have sex, or kiss or hold hands - i mean i love doing all of that and would do it in a heartbeat. But what im trying to say is I dont have any expectations. I just want to know if you’re willing to take a shot on me and not flirt with other girls, etc.... or if I should do everything in my power to move on from you and let you be...

Either way, just know that you’re an amazing person. you deserve the absolute world and the best love the world can give. And i’m sorry if you dont think I can give that to you

hope work isnt too bad tomorrow! Wish you were coming to graduation with me - Im going to miss you. LY xx

[theinvisibledoodlewizard]

Helloooooo there!

She/Her here! (Or Wiz/Whir if you wanna go crazy but those are just gag pronouns please use she/her XD)

But just to let you know, I DONT CARE WHAT YOU CALL ME! He/him, she/her they/them? I. Don’t. Care. It doesn’t bother me.

I used to have reeeeeeeaaaally long hair. Hehe. Down to below my hips! I got compliments a lot because of it!

“You hair is gorgeous!”

“Oh my gosh you hair is so pretty!”

Ok it might’ve been cause they were so surprised it was so long XD.

……..

But a couple months ago I got it all cut off. I actually asked for a boy’s cut (Ranboo’s actually, it was the only short one I could find that I felt would look right for me)

Since then?

People around me stare wondering if I’m a boy or a girl…. Even though I have a bow in my hair and honestly girly clothes….. until I talk (couldn’t mistake my voice for a boy’s if you tried lol) and even though I’m not hiding anything, they look at me like I’m…… not saying being gay is bad….. but a girl is allowed to have a short haircut when the summers have 100 degree heatwaves! I don’t like being glared/stared at…….

I’m getting a lot of problems from it….. and before that I was really happy about the haircut! It was soooo much easier to take care of and just easier! Not to mention it’s cooler…..

Now I look in the mirror and I just feel wrong….. I wonder if that’s what dysphoria is….. *sigh*

Do I only get complimented if I have long hair? It takes me forever to care for….. and I overheat….

I mean short is cold in the winter…. But that’s what jackets are for…. Idk…. I’m probably gonna delete this later. It’s just bothering me right now.

PLEASE DONT HATE ON ANYONE NEAR ME! ITS NOT FAMILY OR ANYTHING AND I DONT THINK THEY KNOW THEYRE STARING…….. at least I hope they don’t know…..

I’m not being discriminated against. I’m just….. a little sad right now….

[therapybabbie]

January 28, 2021

First day of DBT was yesterday. I did not like it. It was like class and not personal and we couldn’t respond to the other patients, only the counselor could, which I hated. I will stick it out tho bc it is the only IOP thats not during my work schedule.

Also, I texted michael a couple nights ago and was like “I dont care what i said before, you and i are NOT cool!!!!! i only get madder and madder at you every day and you traumatized me!!!” or something to that effect, after which he was like “yeah i figured you wouldn’t wanna speak to me anymore after you unfollowed me on instagram. i’m so sorry i lied and cheated and i want to fix it, but you said nothing can fix it so idk what you want me to do.” 

so then the next afternoon i sent him like four paragraphs about the anger and humiliation he caused me and by 11:00 pm the next day he still hadnt responded and i was so mad i couldnt sleep so i texted him “I hate you so much. All that shit and all you cared about is that I unfollowed you on instagram.” and then he responded saying he’d been fucked up and crying all day and he didn’t know what to say and he’s “insanely sorry.” 

then this morning i obviously apologized for saying i hate him bc that is obviously not true, which i also said. I then was like “I’m just dealing with this anger that has nowhere to go and its so heavy blah blah” but in FOUR PARAGRAPHS (why did I do this). Then he was like “I’m really sorry you’re hurting because of me but there’s nothing I can do about it right now to help either of us.” THEN I just said I just want EMPATHY bc I feel like he NEVER tried to imagine being me during the worst things he did to me. and i want him to feel exactly what i felt and know he caused it.

then he said “i have felt that. i felt guilt and shame for so long and still am. i knew what i was doing was wrong and i was paranoid the whole time. i don’t know how to empathize well though, i’ve told you my struggles with that. I know I caused you pain and I want to make you feel better. But I’m also not going to be told I don’t feel anything”

then I explained that’s not what i was saying and i know he feels things, i just never FELT empathy from him regarding what he did to me over the past year. if he was empathetic, he wasnt expressing it in a way i recognize. it didn’t even seem like he was TRYING to be empathetic

and he said “I agree, I didn’t try at all. I was only focused on myself and getting fucked up. I’m an addict. That’s what I’m trying to fix right now. I’m struggling with processing everything and it’s hard. Some days I don’t feel like shit but other days like yesterday when you texted me I was crying about everything I’ve ever done. IDK how this shit works. I literally don’t have answers for you rn. I’m so new to trying to help myself that I don’t know where to start. Maybe in time I’ll have some answers for you but right now I’m just feeling shit. I’m sorry. I don’t know what to do”

Then I said I’m happy he’s focusing on his addiction bc from what I know of him, the more he recovers in that area, the more other things will fall into place, which i hope happens for him

And he said “Thanks but I relapsed last night so not feeling great lol.” then i think he immediately realized he was veering into codependent territory and said “That’s not your problem, I’m sorry. I’m gonna go. I’ve got a lot of things to take care of on my day off. Hope you’re well.”

But I was still responding to his PREVIOUS message so I said I understand he can’t have answers right now, I hope he’s ok too, I’m sorry that me texting him all that probably contributed to his horrible day yesterday and that’s why I said we should stop talking in the first place, “but I’m going through hell right now too, so yeah I made a mistake and I’m sorry.”

Then to prevent myself from texting him again some other time, I said “I don’t wanna set you back by texting you some shit like that again while you’re working on recovery, but I’m worried I might. Do you think I should just delete your number, that way it’ll be up to you if you wanna talk again?”

And he said, which i don’t rly understand completely what this means but whatever, “its ok, i understand. it might be for the best that we do that yeah” Like?? why did he say we??? I didn’t say we both delete each others numbers and never speak for the rest of our lives, I said I delete his so he can contact me when he feels like it....but whatever its just texting semantics it doesnt necessarily mean anything

so i said “Ok cool, I promise not to contact you again. You let me know if you wanna talk again sometime later though”

and he said “Ok thanks” which I thought SUCKED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Like you coulda just been like “Ok, I will” or something nicer. It seemed like he was annoyed that I was deleting his number even though i made it clear it was so that HE could contact me at his leisure and not have ME bother him when hes trying to quit drugs!!!!! but whatever......BPD crazy ass disease....this was probably some form of perceived abandonment (real or imagined)

I hope he talks to me again but not for like 3-4 months. I’m glad I set up this boundary for myself though bc now I can never text him first or it’d be too embarrassing. 

Oh, also, after that first round of texts I sent him the first night, he made his instagram private, which he NEVER has before so i guess he really was salty i unfollowed him. this is for the best tho cause now i cant stalk him, which i was only doing sometimes ok.....ok i did it for like 5 days over the period of time surrounding the anniversary of his mothers death to make sure he was okay. Which i think was fine and not creepy!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i think hes more just like “you locked me out of yours, well now you don’t get to see any of mine!” childish but i’d do the same thing

In general, I want this man to have a happy life in the near future. But not right now, not right after treating me like shit for so long. I’m glad he cried all day over something I said, it is only fair. And he will never grow if he never feels bad about this stuff. So it was nice to hear that he at least still cares, even if it meant him feeling like shit for a whole day. 

[cosmowave]

I hope you don't mind but I just need someone to vent to and I know you have a lot of drama with people. Man, how do you deal with it? I have this one "friend" who's a complete bitch, and I found out she started fucking this guy my boyfriend works with & he told him all the shit she's been talking about me, calling me "fat and lazy" cause I don't have a job right now. Like, she's acting like a complete asshole thinking I'm not petty enough to let it spill that she fucked her married teacher 1/2

2/2 to get through college? Or that I won't tell all her other friends the shit she talks about them? Like she's already scared off some guy friends being so clingy. It's SO hard to not say shit because she's been trying to fuck me over since she can't seem to have a guy stay with her crazy ass and is jealous of my relationship. I don't have a lot of friends left but God does it feel good to finally delete that POS from my life. If I ever have to see her ugly ass bangs again it'll be too soon.

--

I lmaod at “ugly ass bangs” so hard. And I dont mind if you need to vent, when you deal with people like that you definitely need an outlet because their bullshit builds up so fast. If it were me? BE PETTY! Information is power. You know she banged her teacher? Let that slip right out. Afterall, if she was so comfortable with that little fact, she’d be the one telling everyone right? People really need to watch when they talk shit about someone and make sure they have all their bases covered, ie- maybe make sure that the person you’re shit talking doesn’t know you’re the office floozy and that you banged your way to better grades. She probably decided to talk crap about you because when she goes to bed at night its alone and she hates anyone else who is fulfilled and has a good relationship and doesn’t have to hop around to feel an ounce of love :’) 

[norman-reedus-gossip]

bulk

--mod--

I'll add to the comments. 

Bulk

Anon: DK once said she traveled 24 hours to see JJ for only one day. She did the same with Norman now

.


Anon:

 
So now that we know DK is definitely in Barcelona (just jared) has anyone still a explanation why she's hiding? Why didn't she attend Normans gallery opening to show they are just friends? Why was she sneaking around in Barcelona alone meanwhile? Why did the fans two days ago say he was with his girlfriend? Why would they lie. Norman is pissing his pants, he deleted comments calling them out. He usually never does this. You all don't know DK, she wouldn't travel the world to see just a friend.




Anon:  


Just Jared shared pics of DK in Barcelona. It was her with him and they were trying to hide their dirty little secret. I hope someone will call them out now. Norman already deleted some comments calling him out. Seems like he can't take it.




.


Anon:

It still ticks me off people are now going to label N as a liar or pos. Dude is probably just trying to protect his privacy. Are they fucking? Probably, but I wouldn't buy them wedding gifts just yet. I can't wait to hear what PR wife has to say lol



Anon: 


So it was DK on the bike...




Anon: 


Love you mod! 😘 I love N but he fucked himself with this one. US papers are going to pick up on this, and I highly doubt his people are going to issue another denial. Which he should have never had them do in the first place. If he's boning her, own up to it, if not, he probably should start. lol I don't see a committed relationship here. Cause this fucker sure flirts/goes out with a lot of other people besides her, many of them women. What do you think mod? Im genuinely curious on ur take?




Anon: Ya'll need to think logical. If Dk was only normans friend she would have been there at his gallery opening yesterday. she definitely wasn't. they are together probably since sky and cheating is involved and now they are trying to hide their dirty little fling. they deserve each other. norman is not the person he claimed to be which disgust me to death.                                                                                                    --mod--

Don't die anon.




Anon: 



Oh did you all see Norman and DK let delete all the pictures of them in Barcelona on IG. There were lots of them in both her and his tag and now they all disappeared. Someones trying to hide the dirty secret. They can't take that people called them out when they were sure no one noticed them together in spain. But sure, friends do all this if they don't have anything to hide. Also I wonder why she didn't attend his opening show last night? Friends support friends... oh wait.... 
                                                                                                                                   --Mod-- I don't think they can delete someone else's photos


Anon: 


Daily Mail has an article out now too. Well done Norman. Didn't work with the hiding and trying to secretly screw around in Europe. Too bad. I almost feel sorry for his reps, they tried to do damage control and officially denied it because Norman probably lied to them too and now THEY are the ones looking bad. Hope they going to kick his booty out pretty soon. 




Anon: 
Mod I'm sorry but I just will never get it. Why did Norman let his reps deny a romance if he knew he'd secretly meet her in Barcelona just two weeks later? Are his reps okay with this? They gonna look like liars I can't believe they agree with what hes doing. It's Norman's fault and his own problem when the next shitstorm is coming now. He and his reps should have said simply nothing but now they look so shady and false. No one will ever believe them again. And that's why I don't understand it. 
                                                                                        -mod-- I don't think your the only one WTF'ing right now




Anon: 


Norman makes me want to vomit so hard. I'm so sick of him and his shit. He stone cold lied into everyone's face, saying he's just friends with DK. Hell he even let his reps deny it. Wonder how they feel about this now. They will look like liars. If this man was my client I'd kick his ass out faster than he can look. It truly disgusts the hell out of me. Specially a man who claimed to love honesty is the biggest liar. Yo Norman, I hope your image is gonna fall to pieces. No fan deserves this. --mod-- Don't puke too hard you might pull a muscle 




Anon: 


None of the gossip site reporting on NR and DK's relationship seem to believe they are just friends so why should we? 
--mod-- People can believe what they want. We don't all have to agree




Maria: 
People should calm down 
The only thing that bothers me regarding the DK/NR situation is the lack of respect of people, they create pages on IG to insult them. They call DK slut, pig, wh*re, etc…and they do the same to NR. Come on people, you can not agree with their relationship (friend or love) but have some education and respect, they don’t own you anything and you won’t win anything if they stop seeing each other. Mod, sending you some whisky and nachos to help you deal with the crazies.
http://www.casimages.com/i/170314052229350479.jpg.html
--Mod-- That's a picture of HEAVEN 




Anon: 
Mod, what do you think now? I may be in the minority but what if they are only friends on his side of the coin but it's HER who wants more? How stupid would Norman be to deny it & knowingly have her come to Barcelona 2 weeks later to make him look like a complete lying fool? Her pap shots leaving NYC & then arriving in Paris weren't exactly secretive either. It's not like she didn't tip off anyone that she was on the move and even what part of the world she was in. Something's not right about it --mod-- I don't I guess. I guess I just don't see as a full on relationship, it's something but not all lovely dovey like this pay for play rags make it out to be.He's never really had a problem with being seen with someone his fans disapprove of.


Anon: 
what happened to the DK/NR bike pic?? I can't seem to find it anywhere anymore!! Did everyone just delete it simultaneously orrrr --mod-- It's still out there.



Anon: 


Shes clearly not hiding. NO1 barc paparazzi would know who she was or even nobody except online fans knew she COULD be there. Yeah she wore a hoodie but she also was super over the top trying to make ascene and even took off her glasses so they couldclearly get her face never mind wearing the same clothes as when she was on the bike just so we'd know for sure she was with NR. Total setup cos she doesn't like being the dirty little secret. Get out of there gurl i don't like u but u deserve better

 


Anon: 


I don't want to go to wsc to meet him now. He's not who I thought he was. I thought he was always the sweet honest guy he portrayed himself as but if any of this is true, how can he be if this is what he has been hiding and then officially lying about to TMZ and everyone else? does anyone know if you can sell wsc tickets? --mod-- You can totally sell your tickets, I see them on Craigslist all the time. Or you could go and meet someone else.



Anon: 


I think this hate group did something to NR and DK's benefit. Of course that's not the their purpose but there was so much anger and hatred in their messages. And then everyone felt the need to act to defend them. Have a good day Mod, I love you Can I ask for a gif from you? --mod-- Wait there's a hate group. That's not rad. I'll get your gif up soon. Any requests 




Anon:

 
I wish Norman would say something else. This looks SO bad. If he's really only just friends with her then I think he needs to put his other foot down. No one is acknowledging his first denial and this just looks so terrible now. She didn't go to the second art gallery because I think it would have overshadowed it like the first, no matter what the truth is (friends or otherwise). So I wish he would do a full statement on this. 




Anon:

 
To the people saying she didn't want to be seen, that can't be true. If she were REALLY trying to keep it quiet, she didn't have to announce that she was in Europe at all. If he were really trying to keep it quiet, why would he go riding around with her and then take selfies with fans with her standing off to the side? Something isn't adding up! 


Anon: 
Re: potential cheating. Sky was filmed in very early 2015. The supposed bar kissing was in Dec 2015, right? It's now March 2017, and we're just now seeing pictures of them potentially together. JJ's been spotted kissing women twice since the official split. But no public romance from DK / Norman. If they've been together since say February 2015, (1) that's a long-ass time to be sneaky, (2) esp. since neither seems to have super-duper spy skills, & (3) it's the weirdest "affair" I've ever seen. 
--mod-- 3 is the best EVER




Anon:

 
I don't understand how everyone can be upset and saying they are done supporting N when there was just a rumor out that he MIGHT be with DK.. But now that it seems he is everyone is fine with it? Makes no sense. My personal opinion (and I've seen this before) he thinks his fans dont approve of his gf just because "theyre crazy fangirls who want him". No, people don't approve because of WHO the girl is. If I recall weren't most of his previous gf liked? Haha btw love your blog. Great job mod💖 
--mod-- Most we generally liked I believe 


Anon: 


Wait, am I the only one who thinks they could just be friends? I don't understand why people aren't believing his denial? He denied they were dating not that they were friends. Maybe she had time so she went over to Barcelona from Paris as friends? Maybe he didn't lie at all?? Maybe she's the one still after his fame? 


Anon:

 
I can't believe he did this. He blatantly LIED. Even if they had been together and keeping it quiet, he puts out a denial only to be caught??? I don't get it. Why would he stay silent for a year, then put out a denial then get caught with her? I don't understand any of this!!! I am SO disappointed in him. I can't believe he would lie to his fanbase so blatantly. I defended him for so long. And it's not because I'm "jealous" I'm genuinely hurt by his lying. He has no respect for us as fans. 




Anon:

 
I don't believe for one second they are dating. Just Jared is not exactly reputable and the article did say they were NOT seen together. I think it's nothing more than friends if even that. DK is sad and shady AF and it's obvious this is all for attention on her part. --mod-- 😏😏😏



Anon: 



Mod can I ask for your opinion? Do you think it's possible they *are* just friends? I can't get over that she planted those pap shots (both NYC and Bcla) so I can't believe he would risk his reputation by making a statement that they were friends before that and then get caught sneaking? Maybe he's just tired of having to not be seen with females he associates with? It's not a big deal for rich people to fly around the world. 
--mod--

Anythings possible. The shots are just weird and so are the articles. Whatever is going on they should probably talk it out, get on the same page and then do whatever they want. Also what I said makes no sense my brain hurts 


Anon:

 
If NR and DK were just friends I don't get why she's trying to hard not to be seen in Barcelona? It's obvious from the pics she was trying not to be spotted but why bother if you've got nothing to hide? --mod-- They may not have anything to hide, but regardless of what they do or don't do is going to be picked apart. She really isn't trying hard not to be seen. She's not hiding. Hiding is not walking around in broad daylight. I'm not shading her at all, she was in a beautiful city and was taking in the sights. But if your going to hide and you know people are looking for you, you don't go outside and stroll the streets. Just my opinion. 




Anon: 



Norman is not who I thought he was. He apparently lies and cheats and sneaks around. I am so upset. It has nothing to do with him being with someone but the way he lied about it. He's not the person he said he was to his fans. How can we believe anything he says to us anymore? I believed in him so much. He broke my heart if this is all true. 




Anon:

 
Mod I am so confused! We know that she is the one who paid for the NYC garage photos, then his PR makes a statement to deny it and then he is caught with her again? And she has paid for the new paparazzi pics bc no way would people even know to look for her in Barcelona. So what is going on? Why would he deny it on one side KNOWING that she would be trying to make it look real? If they were together, he would have known they were coming out so why would he make himself out to look like a liar?? 
--mod-- No idea. 



Anon:

 
Maybe this will all end now that it's obvious they are a couple no way their just friends. I will say DK didn't look to happy in those set up pap pictures norman not giving her his attention poor baby 



Anon: 


I'm sorry people but them coming out its not because will be a 'cheating scandal' when that shit was not even a cheating since there is no proof of that. They dont 'come out' because norman wants a fwb relationship. He denied anything with her because in the end they dont have a committed relationship and he couldnt say yeah we are friends that fuck. Diane obviously wants more than what she has but if she continues this greedy i see her in a very short minute being send to space very quick. 



Anon: 


If he was really interested in her and protecting her he had not denied anything and everything with her and since she was in barcelona he would have taken her to exhibition but since she didnt did that she made an 'oh so casually' paps pics when paps are not even common thing in barcelona. She is a friend that he fucks and he is willing to go all over the world at his call. that is her place on his life. she wants more but since he doesnt give her she tries to make it more than it is via tabs

 


Anon: norman wanted a fwb and made a problem...lol to me is very simple. He called her for a bootycall and she was willing to go. Non of the less and since she couldnt set him up...AGAIN, she calls the paps to 'catch her' in the middle of barcelona where she is not even well know or there is paps for C list celebs. It's obvious to me too this have NOTHING to him protecting her or not. he clearly doesnt want the same as her she is the one pushing and being ridiculous.


Anon: I still think she was there for his art show ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ friends support each other. 

Anon: 
Hey Mod, I noticed the story is in the Daily Mail too. Isn't that who DK pays off? And how come NO one talks about the denial he issued? Could you ask pr wife what she thinks now? 



Anon: 
MOD! Please tell us what you think. I don't understand something: Why would his PR people make him out to LOOK like a liar??? Because that is exactly what he looks like now. They have made it look like he IS sneaking around now. How is that beneficial to him?? Something is so weird with all this because the Daily Mail is all over it and she pays them. Am I the only one who is suspicious? 
--mod-- I dont think your the only side eyeing it. It's just so weird




Karyn:

Some thoughts. Sure, it all looks shady af but until I see pics of them holding hands or kissing I’m going to believe the “just friends”. Notice how she’s always shown up to where he is? Italy, France, & now Spain. He didn’t travel to Europe to see her when she was filming. She could just be one of those types of clingy women who might be sad/desperate/lonely after the end of a 10 year relationship, 40 years old, seeking something from someone - ANYONE! I think a lot of women can relate to that feeling of “I want someone to love me” after a break up and make dumb choices. Anyone who has ever been to a Con or seen Norman meet fans on the street, the guy has infinite patience so maybe he’s just being nice to a friend and she’s a little hopeful. Or maybe I’m totally wrong. Lol. Just remember, at this time there is absolutely ZERO actual proof they cheated.




Anon: 


So the annona source on blinds said there's something interesting that went down in Barcelona with the dk stuff. Can't wait to hear what it is. Sadly he is still in his fwb with her and the other lady who we won't name out of respect even tho he wants more with her. Why Norman can you not cut off toxic people like DK? She called the paps AGAIN. 


Anon: 


Alright, the way I see it, there's only two options left: 1. They are dating and they are both hypocritical liars. Or 2. DK has gone batshit crazy and is following Norman to the ends of the earth to save her quickly falling career. Question is - IF that's the case, why the hell is he playing in on it? It only reflects badly on him

 

Anon: Do people not realise how horrible it is that JDM and his wife can be papped kissing and being affectionate on the beach but NR and DK have to hide themselves and their relationship because of crazy fans?! I feel so sad for them that DK is having to walk around Barcelona undercover and that they can't be seen anywhere near each other because of fear of backlash. It's awful that some internet bullies are having a direct effect on two people's lives like that. --mod-- Those are 2 very different relationships. It's a married couple -vs- a maybe could be couple with all sorts of shady around them

. 


Anon: 


I am wondering if they ever officially go public. To me the difference between a relationship versus casual fwb would be things like he did with his last girlfriend. Even though he still never publicly acknowledged his ex, look at everything he did with her: Going on vacation alone together his usual places (without hiding it). Her visiting/living with him in GA, time with his family, vacay with him and his son, set visits, etc. She's gonna want him at events w/her which he did w/CS at first. --mod-- Touché



Anon: 


Maybe this is their way of going public? Or at least not caring if ppl see them anymore. Think about it. They were both in NYC, he'll return in a week. If they wanted to continue hiding why would she go all the way to Spain and be out in public with him? Why is she paying mags to take pics of her and write up articles? And ppl can say well that's just her but he's obviously fine with it. Putting on a hoodie and sunglasses before paps take your pic for the daily mail is not "incognito" lol --mod-- If this was a coming out it's done horribly. I mean they could've at least sent me whiskey before hand. 🤣🤣🤣 






Anon:

 
well, so much for his "brand" LMAO! most def not investing a single dime in ANY of his cheating lying asses work. frankly, i was getting tired of TWD anyway. --mod-- But Negans lean back is the best... you should at least tune in just to see how far he goes back 




Anon:

 
I believe Norman and Diane are secretly dating and I know as fans we shouldn't judge his personal life. But If the cheating scandal was true I can't say what he did was right. If Norman really did had a affair with Diane Kruger and did that to Joshua Jackson I feel like that was wrong to do. I still support Norman as a fan but at the same time I can't say what he did was okay.


[survivorindia]

Rites of Passage

My experience was boring, I didn't get to do anything. I tried backstabbing someone but they backstabbed me first. Not much else to say, cause nothing else happened.

Lexi G:  I wanted to keep you bud and would have if you weren’t voting me. I don’t think you deserved to go first after helping with the challenge though. 

India. Oh how I miss her. The game was such a ride even if was just for a short period. At least I left with some souvenirs, like the relationships I made and this cool looking rock.

Ashley: Okay, I didn't really get to know you well but tbh getting rocked out first is iconic and I love you. 

Lexi L: Steven Snell, You are the best and most loyal person. I mean who would go to rocks the first tribal council? YOU THATS WHO! I am so glad you are playing the game ruben and i are hosting now. That is the one good thing that came out of playing a tumblr game, meeting you. I really wish we could of played the rest of this game together.I love you and i am still so sad you got fucked by a rock.

Robin: Even though we only got to know each other you are one of my favorite people in this community. You’re so loyal and sweet. I was so upset that you ended up getting rocked out. I’ve done everything in this game with you in mind. I hope I made you proud.

Ashley: Awe, hi Ace! I really liked getting to know you and hope you are doing well, voting you out wasn't a priority for me but it just happened to be where the numbers landed. 

Lexi L: Um i honestly don't remember you to much sorry:/

Robin: You seemed like a really nice person. I wish we could’ve gotten to play together.

Lexi G:  We didn’t start speaking much until your tribal and I wish we had. The points you made were great and I would have kept you had the group consensus not been for you to go.

Lexi G: We were in two games together so the working relationship was there but with limited replies, it’s hard to work with someone. I wish you made it further so we could have worked together but good luck in Hoenn!

Rigga Morris! Listen perhaps I played too hard too fast ? But I'm happy w 1/2 of the ppl in the final so I'm love this season yes!

Ashley: Karen, Karen, Karen, I wanted to see our little "rivalry" from Sweden was behind us but unfortunately it was not. I caught wind of you actually wanting me out and so I had to do something about it. I am sorry it ended up like that. 

Lexi G:  We were never on a tribe together but I heard you’re a legend so I hope we get to speak outside of the game!

Lexi L:  I told you after Steven got rocked out that i would flip to your side and be loyal to you because i hated everyone left on my tribe besides Robin. You were fun to talk to and i was sad you got blindsided.:/ Wish we could of slayed together.

Robin: I wish we could’ve had the tribe swap earlier. I wanted to work with you so bad. Thanks for supporting me in everything!

Lexi G: We never got to speak much but I hope everything is well and I’m sorry you had to leave the game.

Lexi L: Bernel, i'm pretty sure you quit. I forget why. We did not talk to much but for the times we did talk you seemed pretty cool.

Robin: I didn’t get to know you much but I hope you’re doing well and that you get another shot at playing.

I figured I was on the bottom of a group and flipped to better myself - it didn't work out in the end and the group I flipped on was the group that got my torch snuffed.

Ashley: Okay I didn't talk to you at all but I hear great things about you. 

Lexi L: So you told me you were voting Liam out because he was inactive and then went and told everyone i was dating ruben from the other tribe and to get me out. You had Whitney and Liam on board. So you made it go to rocks and got my boy Steven out:/ So i dont really like you for that. 

Robin: We had a rocky relationship. I really liked you and thought we would work well together but unfortunately we ended up having different targets. 

Ashley:  I am not even doing this one. 

Lexi G:  I pray you’re not still lost on the beach somewhere 

Lexi L: Whitney, you never liked me for some reason. Like i tried to talk to you and everything ,but you would not give me a chance lol. But i heard you went inactive once we switched tribes, which sucks because why not just of let yourself be voted out instead of letting people go to rocks.

Okay so first and foremost, I loved this season while it lasted tbh, and im sad that I am pre-merge and 15th place once again, but who cares lol. Anyway I'm personally glad that the person who quit jury did because it gave me the opportunity I've wanted, okay done with that. I feel like this game honestly I did my best and I was proud of how I started out. It's annoying that I was voted out with little reason, and that I lost to some of the most vile people this season, but things happen you know? S/O to Jordan and sarah this season for being probably my favorite people EVER to have worked with like yall are so real I love you guys. Okay bye!!

Lexi G: I love your ability to put feminism above all else (and as I have stated numerous times before in Hoenn vl drs) I wish you had stayed in both games since I really wanted to work with you long term!

Lexi L: Ok Julia, you need to get your self checked out. I think you are messed up in the head. You attacked me for saying this game is rigged? I complained once about rig so get your facts straight. You said a bunch of mean things to me and then deleted it! LIKE WHAT!?? Don't say rude things and then delete it. Just tell me straight up how you feel.

Robin: Julia, you are such a great person honestly. The fact that you’re into with craft is so interesting. I honestly hated to see you go. It sucks that the original plan was leaked or else you would’ve stayed longer. 

I was never really into the game to begin with, so I don’t have a lot to say. As of late I have removed myself of all games and basically from this community as a whole due to personal issues. Good game everyone! Byeee.

Ashley: See you at school! 

Lexi G: My first alliance :( I wish you had more time to play but I understand life gets busy!

Ashley: Oh goodness, here we go. Dom, we went from being happily married to some ugly old couple who just was sick of each other. You were made out to be such a strong player and honestly everyone was scared of you. I know that if it hadn't have been for the idol I received, you would probably still be here, and I am sorry for that, but I certainly feel as though Sarah and I did what was necessary to save ourselves. 

Lexi G: You have no idea how much I appreciated being aligned with you! I saw you as a power player and we shared some fun moments so I was sad to see you go but have to admit being taken out by two idols is quite badass! I thought you had a tremendous chance at winning because of the amazing game you were playing so it was crazy how that tribal played out.

Lexi L: DOM, ugh i am so sad they got you. I loved our little alliance with Ruben, Lexi G, Jaiden and Robin. We were at the bottom but you somehow always stayed postive and helped us come up with a plan. I hated seeing you go. I loved meeting you and im glad you and Ruben bonded so i had the chance to play with you. You're amazing!

Robin: Idols really hurt us. The day of the tribal council where you left was….eventful. You deserved to stay longer than that. I hope you get to play another tumblr survivor game.

I’m Jordan Pines

Ashley: Jordan <3 my heart broke into a million pieces when you were voted out. You had been telling us all day that everything was okay and that we had it in the bag, and then you suddenly had to go. It really sucked not having your humor and strategic thinking around. Hope to talk soon!

Lexi G: What could have been! I really really wanted to work with you long term, and I thought it could have been fun for us to switch things up in the game. Alas, someone found an idol and most of them were dead set on you going that round. I still think about, to this day, how we could have had some fun in the game and I believed you to be someone who would have loved to make crazy moves with me. I want to say thank you for talking to me regularly and being there for the times I needed to vent. I hope we get to become friends outside of this game <3

Lexi L: Jordan, you were definitely running this game. I always viewed you as a threat from the day i met you. we didn't talk much, i did not really see a point because you had your group and i had mine. You were definitely a great player though. Sorry the idol screwed you.

Robin: You’re a great liar. It’s a compliment by the way. You really had me sold that you were trying to save lexi g. Even though you might not believe it, you had a big impact on the game. I honestly got inspired with how smoothly you were able to lie and make yourself look like you were working hard to be a hero. That’s what got me going the tribal after to say so much. You were a very strong competitor. I’m sure you could’ve easily won this had you made past the first merge round.  

Jaiden doesn’t have me on skype so he didn’t submit

Ashley: Okay Jaiden, I love you, but come on. I gave you soooooo many chances to work with me. I put my trust in you so many times and for what? I feel as though we certainly gained a friendship but eventually you being unpredictable was what made my mind up. 

Lexi G: I enjoyed talking to you as we were also in two games together, you were always so kind. I believe we had a ton of the same issues going on so I hope you are doing better and I wish you the best!

Lexi L:  Jaiden, im very sad you quit jury. The returnees did not give you a chance. I am glad they didnt though because i got the chance to work with you. You were very fun to talk to and when you played that idol on me, i knew i could trust you. I mean i knew before , but i was always a little worried. Loved playing with you!

Robin: I tried so hard to save you. The tribal council you left was a pivotal point in how I was perceived in the game. I pushed myself to play more aggressively and be more outspoken because of you. You were such a great friend in the game. It’s a bummer you left the jury. I hope everything in your life is working out well.

Coming into this game I didn't see myself doing well at all. I mean I was in the game with my girlfriend and couldn't even lie about it because there were people that knew of the both of us already. That being said, I did a lot better than I thought I was going to. I mean I made the merge with my girlfriend lol and I played an idol on myself and made some pretty big moves while I was in the game. I was well on my way to hopefully winning this game, but people saw me as the biggest threat on the otherside and took me out. I don't think I would have done anything different, not much I could have done differently. But I think I played the best possible game I could have and I'm proud of my game. As for my first tumblr survivor journey, I made jury, idoled someone out, played a huge part in taking out one of the biggest liars and villains in Jordan, and even got a spell put on me by another jury member (who shouldn't even be a juror lol sorry Julia). Anyway my first and last journey on Tumblr Survivor was an interesting one for sure.

Ashley: Hello Ruben! I am sorry we didn't get to talk much, but it was assumed that you were the "leader" of the newbies and wouldn't want to really communicate with us returnees. The conversations we did have however I highly enjoyed. I hope you are doing well!

Lexi G: Our alliance since the beginning was everything I had hoped for and more. We looked out for each other and had to swat off the rumor that we were dating hahaha but somehow made it through all that. I very much appreciated you being the calm side of our duo and I’m happy we made the merge together. I’m excited to talk to you again soon after the game is over! 

Lexi L: You are so cute. I was mad you played this game because i definitely thought we would be out pre merge. I mean we date who would let us get this far. oh wait, they did LOL. sorry had to say it. I was sad when you went , but one of us were bound to go and i guess they saw you as more of a threat. Love you <3

Robin: You were honestly the best player in this game. You were able to predict everyone’s strategies, win competitions, and gather information. I would’ve loved to have seen you win this game. If it wouldn’t have been for you figuring out Lexi was getting votes, we would’ve all been picked off. Thank you for being such a helpful ally.

Saying this game was messy is an understatement. Things were all over the place and it was surely interesting. Personally, I think I played a decent game, and almost made the top third. A lot of great friends came out of it, and then there's the opposite of that. (You know who you are.) it's truly a shame that I have to pick one of these remaining people to win, but may the best lady win. Prepare for hell at FTC. Ciao.~ You know who you are coughcoughalexiscoughcough

Ashley: Oh poor Liam. Rocked out because of paranoia of something that wasn't even happening. You were actually really loyal and it sucked losing you in the way we did. It would have been nice to have you here with me. 

Lexi G: We didn’t get to speak much other than my plea on the tie vote for Jaiden but so sorry you were eliminated in rocks, that’s got to be tough. I hope the blues clinch a playoff spot though!

Lexi L: Liam ok, you were supposed to go the first tribal council. You were inactive, but somehow you come out of nowhere and convice Johnny and Whitney otherwise and i mean good for you. That's a good move. We never really talked because i was salty and mad you did not go and Steven did. We never talked after that either. I think you hate me. I dont get why but it's ok. 

Robin: I wish we hadn’t messed up our relationship so much back on Nayak so we could’ve worked together at merge. I really think you could’ve won this game had the ruby idol not gotten you eliminated.

It was super weird to come back for a fourth time, It was intense, it was crazy and the people with the most entertaining personalities are in jury. This game was drama filled..to say the least and it was SO much fun to be apart of it

Ashley: Sarah don't you dare hate me. I love you, I really do, but girl your paranoia and stuff was really bugging me. I had second thoughts on voting you out. But the thought of you making so many other chats without me in them after telling me you wanted to take me to the end was not the best feeling. In the end it was strictly strategic, you are a huge threat in games and I respect that, as I hope you can respect my move. 

Lexi G: I believe you don’t want to hear from me at all due to the message you sent me after you were voted out. However, I did genuinely want to work with you. I had hoped the villains could possibly team up since we were cannibalizing up until that point. I had voted the way you wanted me to during the tribal you played your idol. Then at the tribal you left, you didn’t tell me how you were voting and the opposing group had set their eyes on you once again while also having a lot of power so it was out of my hands during that round. You have no idea how much I was looking forward to working and calling with you more for the rounds to come but tearfully, it didn’t work out. I hope we get to speak more about it later as I’m excited to hear your thoughts during the game.

Lexi L: Sarah, I have no idea what happened with us. We never had a problem with one another and then you just went off on me. Called me Ruben's dog, which is very far from the truth and that's why it triggered me. People always think i do as ruben says in game and it couldnt be more far from the truth. He is just more vocal and i am more behind the scenes. You hate me and i don't hate you, but i think attacking me was random and uncalled for. 

Robin: I really thought I would enjoy getting to play with you. You seemed like a really nice person and you seemed to like me a lot. It’s funny how things can change though once the game gets more intense and we have to go against each other. I found out the kind of player you are and that’s why I actively tried to get you out. I want to point out that bringing up a past event of yours was not meant to be personal. This was on a blog, which is public, and anyone can access so I feel like you exaggerated what I did. I played this game with integrity and respecting everyone. You made a big deal about not getting personal with people, so I think you should take your own advice and think before you make rude comments to other people. I’m not sure if you were just trying to embrace your villain character but remember, this just a game and just because someone else outplays you, it doesn’t mean you have the right to release your anger negatively on them. You know what I’m talking about and I hope you take time in the future to apologize to that person. 

This game was a load of fun ^__^ I got to meet some amazing people, take part in some shocking blindsides, and strategize to my heart's content. My only regret is not being more paranoid come F8-ish. Everyone was telling me to scramble more and more, but the only way I could make it further would be by trusting the people who eventually took me out... *Shrug* All in all, this was a great experience and I am very happy I got to live through it all with such a marvelous cast!

Ashley: Alright so this is a tough one. I know you are not going to really want to hear from me or are just completely pissed at me right now but I promise I had my reasons. You were never going to trust me again as you did at the beginning. I knew by the way you reacted that you would be plotting against me at some point in the future and I certainly did not want that because I know you are smart as hell and could have taken me out no sweat. So in a last minute decision, my worries got the best of me, and I am sorry for that but I hope you can respect me as a player still, and see the reasons why I made the moves I did. 

Lexi G: I believe you to be by far the scariest player, and I can’t place my finger on why. It could be attributed to your working relationships with a large majority of the cast or your ability to extract any sort of information out of any single person. I had heard some of my allies giving up information that I did not want them to, to you so it’s quite crazy how you had that effect on people. I heard a TON of things about your game and it was intimidating, but I really want the chance to play with you again and I pray that we could even be on the same side.

Lexi L: Gavin, I don’t know how to feel about you. My relationship with you was the same i had with Alex. We always tried to talk about game but never did. I heard what you did to Ruben though and it made me very upset. I think you played an ok game . You just, i don't know. I never wanted to talk game with you because i knew you were kind of a snake. I do want to thank you for telling ruben to play an idol on me that round though!

Robin: We had such a complex relationship. I feel like the two of us were being mislead by other people. If we would’ve just trusted each other, we probably could’ve done so much together.

Ashley: Okay so this one actually wasn't completely my fault but I still hate myself for it. I should have voted with you guys and gone to rocks. Which is something that in previous games I would never do. But Alex you are such a genuine person, you didn't hate me for choices I made but instead came and asked me why I did the things I did. You didn't judge me or want me gone, you truly just wanted to understand and that is why I wanted you to be here with me at the end because if I can't win I would have hoped you could have at least. 

Lexi G: This is hard due to me knowing that you wanted to help me out a bit as you believed me to be on the bottom of my side but it was difficult to align when I wasn’t told how the tribal would be playing out most of the time and the result I was told to expect didn’t happen. I did try to make sure the vote wasn’t you a few rounds to try and repay for the times you had told me you hadn’t written my name down. You were a great player and you knew that as you said in your final tribal so I hope you’re not mad that I took out a clear winner. You had it all in this game; social, strategic and were great in the challenges.

Lexi L: Alex, You were a funny person and i wish we could of talked more and maybe even worked together. You were set in your alliance and i was set in mine. I definitely viewed you as a threat too. You were likeable and never crossed anyone. I respect you and have no bad words for you.

Robin: I really admire how articulate you are. You came off as a very persuasive person. I was afraid of you the entire game. You were so social and at least with me, you knew what words to use to get me to open up and appreciate you. I’m sure you could’ve won this game by a landslide.

In the words of the great scholar Linkin Park, "I tried so hard and that's alright but in the end it doesn't even matter,"

Ashley: Ugh Kendall you tried so hard, your slideshow was amazing, kinda wish I had you to share cookies with. We knew it was kind of hopeless but we still tried. And that is all we could really have done. It really sucked that you left, and I know I haven't been the best person throughout this game, but you have always made me laugh and I truly adore you as a human being.

Lexi G:  As outrageous as it sounds, I’m not a sociopath like you believe I am. I genuinely did feel like shit for a large part of the game but I was not on the bottom as I had said. I needed to try and avoid getting votes for tribals to come so I had to play up the “trio” on our side to survive. The issues I opened up about indirectly regarding my actual life were true sadly. I thank you for letting me vent to you and I’m sorry if you were hurt on a personal level. If you had told me more of what was going on during the rounds before, I would have loved to work with you but you didn’t seem to trust me. I did enjoy those earlier conversations before the merge when we had spoken about our weird humor so I’m painfully sad that it didn’t end up working out. I’m positive you hate me so I’ll end this here and wish you the best.

Lexi L: KENDALL, ugh i connected with you the most more than most people in this game. You are so odd and funny. I mean that in a very good way. I loved talking to you. I always said if i got out and you made it to the end, you would of definitely got my vote. No one hated you and i mean how could they. I hope we talk after this game is over. Dead babies for life!

Robin: Well, you were the most surprising out of everyone. The way you were able to stay in the game and never have your name thrown out showed how big of a threat you were. I saw myself working with you back on the Hero beach but the whole returnees vs newbies thing ended up forcing us on opposite sides.

[silenced92]

Hey i’m just going to vent under the cut.. just need to get things out.

So I have dysthemia, social anxiety and adhd, all diagnosed by my gp, then  a psychiatrist, And i have been treating all 3 for over a year now.. And while in general things have been improving, these past 3months have been a real shit show. 

This whole year has been a test for me, with moving out of home, family dramas, my family moving out of our old house (after being there for 25years) so i lost the place that i retreat back to if things ever get too bad or if i get homesick. (while they live nearby still, its not the same. i’ve been growing more distant from them ever since) having to deal with chronic pain from carpal tunnel - had one operated on, booked into get the next one. It feels like as soon as i get through one thing, the next jumps out at me.  MEDS i got them reviewed recently. Im on ecitalopram 30mg, thyroxine 50mg, endep 50mg, dexamphetamine 10mg and then i have either panadine forte or  ibuprofen + codiene for the pain as well  (which has become a nightly thing to get me to sleep)  My psych said everything looks fine, if anything they should be working extra well. and kept me on everything. And at the time it was all looking up. That was a good week, i had the first lot of surgery, and i hadnt been back to work yet so my other hand hadnt flaired up. Now 2months later i’ve fallen back into terrible habits and a circle of self loathing. 

Bad Habits..  We all have them. Some are worse then others. More harmful.  sleep - it only happens when i dont want it to. i try and stay awake on the couch to watch something? try and get through a eps of a new show or a movie? Give me 20mins or less, and im out cold. Send me to bed? I lay awake staring at the walls, my fishtank, phone. anything. my brain starts running like crazy, replaying all the bad thoughts over and over, l end up tossing and turning for atleast a hour before eventually falling asleep. This is one of the reasons i’ve been taking painkillers at night. to help myself fall asleep. Whether its because i’ve been plagued with uncontrollable pain, or because my brain wont shut off, they seem to be something which i turn to. Along with taking the endep to assist with sleeping better. The only issue is when i wake up the morning after taking panadine forte, its like im hung over; sluggish and tired. Like i could sleep forever. just not in my bed. on the couch. 

Food - I have an issue with emotional/boredom eating. which is only made worse with a chocolate addiction. And i know this is an addiction because when i dont get a fix i turn into a stressed out bitch. I eat because its become routine, even if im not hungry, i’ll make sure i have lunch (never breakfast though due to morning anxiety and nausea) then i will snack on all the sweet things. go to work. have like a banana and a muesli bar.. only to come home at around 10 and cook dinner. normally end up eating it by midnightish. Which i know is one of the worst things to do. And i hate myself for it. It never used to be this bad. but then i moved out of home. my room mate hates cooking and waits till i get home for dinner.. so its like a full meal. not just a pasta snack or something.. Even now as i type this im snacking on lollies, while dinner is cooking. Which i know i shouldnt do, i’ve gained so much weight since i moved out like 20kgs. just from stress eating, to much icecream, slushies, and bigger portions. i hate myself for it. the amount of self loathing i have over my body grows everytime i see it in the mirror, catch my reflection, have an old lady ask whens it due, or just when i feel my tummy, its so heavy and i hate it. Selfharm - the whole hating my body leads into this next part. I have always done small things to harm myself. things like running the water to hot (coming up bright red afterwards, sometimes it stays for hours) Scratching and picking at my skin/scabs often until i bleed. And all with the goal of it makes me feel better when my skin is clean and without any lumps.  At the start of last year i made the terrible mistake of adventuring into the world of cutting. What started as the small thought of “oh i wonder how sharp this blade is?” ended with me having cut my thigh over 50 times over the course of 2 nights. after that i settled and stopped. The ache of the cuts every time i took a step reminded me of what i did, that i’m a worthless piece of shit, it was a pain and a punishment that i controlled.  After that i didnt cut often. it freaked my now roommate out too much, he became concerned because he knows the damage it can cause (previous history of selfharm and suicide attempt) And he worked out when i was getting to a point where i was ready to self harm again and would stop me. or if i had already done it he would just hug me, not judging. And the urge would normally disappear. Unfortunately earlier this week it didn’t. and i had begun lying to my roommate when he asked if i was okay. it wasnt his burden to carry. just mine. So i got out my pocket knife and proceeded to carve the words fat and worthless into my other thigh.. it felt amazing to do. like i was punishing myself for becoming what i am. The pain and aches i felt while cutting and afterwards was such a release. To have pain that i can control. That i know will go away. and makes me actually feel something other then just the fuzz which carpal tunnel leaves you with. 

Only issue is now i keep finding myself wanting to cut again, or do more to hurt myself. That with the never ending feeling that i just want to curl up in a ball and disappear. its been making it difficult to get motivated to do anything other then not move under the blankets. 

Coping. Coping methods, or more so not coping very well has so far been dealt with by cuddling the cats when i can. and hoping that lee with give me a hug when i ask (although asking for one can become a terrible spiral of self hate and rejection again if he says no) I love going home to mum and dads still, for the other human and animal contact. theres just something amazing and redeeming about cuddling a doggy. there unending love and warmth just makes you want to never let go.  thats about were my coping ends.. this was more just a vent becayuse i was going to explode.. so many emotions. the pain has started to kick in now. to much typing so i cant really do this easily anymore, i keep hitting the wrong keys and stuff.   Thanks if anyone managed to read this far. i will probably delete this later..