#lets hope i dont end up missing the appointment that would suck

[michameinmicha]

7:48am still not slept at all but like who needs sleep anyway am i right? Its not like i have a stressful appointment later or anything! No big deal!!

[p-t-f-s]

forgot it was possible to see sideblog notifs and im. surprised they have followers but then again so does this blog lmaooooooo. i should make vents again. i miss that. no time like the present.

fuck i need to work on my project thats past due and due tonight and if not turned in would drop me to a C but god. i hate this class and dont wanna but im already on my second retake and this time it was genuinely so much fuckin easier. even if the exact same professor bc shes the only one teaching this class did even worse with scheduling and assignment access this semester. and i genuinely have not been this suicidal since fuckin high and middle school. two different points in each. most bc of my middle school insomnia and All That That happened but my high school wasnt much worse considering i was working part time to full time my senior year of high school while also getting my associate's as my mom was kicking me out/to live with my dad in the near the end of the school year bc of me turning 18 and her being "free" of her legal duties to me [she was not bc by our law that SHE AS A FUCKING FEDERAL JUDGE KNEW was till the child of dicerce is 18 and GRADUATED HS DIPLOMA] she was finally free to move to the opposite side of the country/the political problems and backlash of challenging the baked in theosociological power structure of our city. my birthday was march and graduation was june. literal months and she couldnt wait that fuckin long. and so for the months leading up to my birthday and after i had been living out of my car which both my dad bought for me as an agreement between him and my mom as the end of his child support payments to her and so i wouldnt take the public bus after my mom forgot we had to lie to him that i was being driven to school so he would let me get my college degree bc i had to be at community college at 16 in a Large Dangerous City on the Worst Side Of Town. that shit sucked. i was Stressed and goddamn does it suck being an adult living under your own power and money, no matter how feeble, to know that even when situations are technically objectively better you can still be hella fuckin depressed. and fucking obsessive intrusive thoughts do NOT help but fuck do i wish i had the time to call for help to be able to see a fucking doctor for the first time in my life. like an actual full general doctor and getting an actual checkup and not just a walgreens sick note/athletic packet check. only having ever gone after socially pressuring ur dad by asking his gf for advice while hes halfway done in the bathroom so the conversations still going as he exits so SHE can hound on him instead of being brushed off as an anxious teenage girl bc "whats a doctor going to do?" when asked to go to the er. whos insurance ur on bc you asked him months ago while working on moving in and you couldnt go alone without ur guardian but youd been unable to hear from one ear for months after multiple home/self remedy attempts to clear wax blockage assumption. or my mother coming to visit curious as to why i still have acne after turning 18 bc you shouldnt have acne past 18 and making a dermatologist appointment she paid for to help but having previously told me that she didnt believe in getting sick bc she hadnt gotten sick for years.

and now i have about an hour left to work on a partial coding project bc now IT management is apparently the job of accounting now. i get rationally why theyre doing it and why its important but its fucking stupid and i hate it and again its fucking stupid. anyways. heres to hoping that it goes alright ig but fucking kill me and i hate everything but i swear to fuck if i dont get my bachelors next year im going to lose my shit

[thefanficmonster]

idk if u know him but i just found out that technoblade has cancer and now im really sad but it did get me a lil curious to see a small corpse x reader scenario or headcanons where reader announces they have cancer in the midst of playing with corpse and their friends on stream?

Sorry for the long wait dear but here is your request finally fulfilled. Because of my long queue I decided to go for headcanons and I hope you don't mind. If you want a full fic of this concept don't hesitate to let me know ~ XOXO, Vy 💕

Streamer gang & Reader (Gender Neutral)

TW: Mentions of suffering from cancer, Mentions of hospital visits and hospital treatment

- You had been running late for the stream you and the crew had arranged a few days prior - Because of certain problems with the system at you hospital, you had to attend your appointment that day instead of the day before, the timing clashing a bit with the timing of the stream - You sent Rae a quick text that you'd be late for the event, hoping she wouldn't ask why - And luckily she didn't - Truth be told, it's not like you were going to extreme lengths to hide your illness, you just didn't want you friends seeing you differently - Still, however, you were planning to tell them sooner or later - You always made up scenarios in your head of how it would go and only in a few were your news accepted lightly - You hated that you had to risk all those other, far less fortunate alternatives, but it was what it was and you had zero control of how they’d react so you were practically helpless in that field - That being said, you just let out a sigh every time your mind started going down that route - “Hey guys, sorry I’m late. The hospital messed up my appointment which was supposed to be YESTERDAY. So shout out to them, you guys suck. Just kidding, y’all keep me alive.” - Your friends chuckled at your comment, paying no mind to it as anything but a joke - “Time you switch hospitals then.” Toast nudges you jokingly - “Oh trust me, bro, that would be hella more complicated than just making appointments in my local one. All my paperwork, records, medical history, everything’s there. I can just about imagine how much of it would be lost if I moved.” - Corpse scoffs, amused, “Damn, you make it sound like you’re in and out of the hospital more than I am.” - You playfully roll your eyes even though he can’t see me, “Yeah, well having cancer does that to a person.” - The call goes quiet for a few moments, making you think back to what you just said, turning pale as a ghost, all you blood running cold - “Fuck-” Corpse is the first one to speak up, “That’s fucking horrible.” - “Why didn’t you tell us?” Rae follows him up, voice equally as concerned as Corpse’s, both of them clearly rattled by your confession - As is the rest of the game lobby - You fidget with your hands, your eyes stinging with sudden hot tears that are threatening to spill but you refuse to let them - The last thing you were expecting when imagining the aforementioned scenarios was crying - You thought you had come to terms with it long ago to the point where you can even joke about it but turns out you were wrong - “I-” You begin to speak but stutter because of the knot in your throat, “I didn’t want you guys to...pity me or see me any differently. I-..I wouldn’t be able to stand even you treating me like I’m fragile and overthinking everything you say in my presence.” - Your response is answered by another moment of silence before your racing mind is put to a slight ease by Corpse’s voice travelling through your headset - “Nothing will change, Y/N.” He says, tone still shaky but at least steadier than before, “You’re still the most badass impostor among us.” He pauses, “Pun was not intended, but I truly mean it.” - “Yeah, you’re still the same and so are we, this changes nothing.” Toast says reassuringly. - “However!” Rae interrupts, causing your heart to drop, “Do you promise to never again keep us in the dark about things going on in your life? We’re your friends and we wanna be there for you, don’t keep our hands tied.” - Your heart rose and dropped yet again but did so under the effect of a completely different emotion than before - joy - The tears prickling your eyes are now happy tears, ones you hadn’t let out in years - “I promise.” You say with a sniffle, “And one more thing...” - “Yeah?” Corpse says - “Thank you.”

@maat-the-prescriptive  @simonsbluee  @save-the-sky  @itsminniekat  @hacker-ghost  @bi-andready-tocry  @imtiredaffff  @jazzkaurtheglorious  @hereforbeebo  @fandomgirl17  @chrysanthykios  @maehemscorpyus  @loraleiix  @letsloveimagines  @annshit  @i-cant-choose-a-username-help  @enigmaticmaze  @divine-artemis  @waterlilypat  @idontknowwhatthisisfam  @evi-ka  @classyandfabulous00  @redperson58  @lilysdaydreams @solowheein  @mythicalamphitrite  @axen-gers  @luckygirl144  @nj01  @buddyemily   @the-albino-lioness  @stardream14  @gdhdkfnn  @nomadicgypsyy  @preciousskye  @fluffysuicideunicornsworld  @o-kaelin  @manacharlotte  @awkward-youtube-trash  @lolalee24  @bonky-beerns  @meme-lord-and-savior-sebastian  @strawbrinkofdeath  @teenloves  @tams0527  @browneyespinkhair  @starstruckllamapuppy  @daisychains012  @y0ulooked  @tinytacosuitcaseflap @supernatural-is-my-only-life  @jula-pauline  @melodykitty  @just-that-bi-girl  @crazybutconfidentaf  @lowellshade @alphakees  @bellero  @weallneednamjesus  @starryhanji  @boiled-onionrings  @husherstan  @fockingwhore  @melaningoddessthings  @prettypastelpetals  @haleypearce  @godwhyamiawkward  @y-napotat  @daisychainyoonmin  @little-miss-rebel3  @free-wheelin-bi-sexual  @redmoon261 @darkacademic2  @wiseflamingoqueen  @into-the-end  @namikhai-i  @nastiablr  @thelittleplantlover  @mirktuan  @dont-hyuck @jjk-bunny  @vintagegothlover  @easygoingtheatre  @itsrandombooklover  @miiaivi  @emmybaybee  @befourgolden  @jjk-is-my-shit  @eternalteaaars  @spacebadgerx  @princesslunalight  @acequinn14  @samm48  @misselsbells06 @simp-lykawa  @fo-love  @marishimomura-blog  @therealglenncoco  @cinnamonbun332  @killtherandomness  @sanshinexxxsan  @fee-btheweeb  @press-lay  @cathleenpotgieter16  @jazzydoesstuff  @moonlxghtbay  @forestrain2000  @hyunjinhugs  @blood-of-fandoms  @lovellylies  @ukiyolixx  @simpforhpcharacters  @chrisdylan17  @parkerjisung  @pedernille  @theodonyous  @wineandionysus  @malfoystilinskii05  @morbid-x  @coryisagee  @jessewa26  @scoobydooluver97 @mindintheskies365  @raeanneinwonderland  @indecisive-empanada  @gluttonypalace  @loriane2503  @btsiguess-kpop  @khaoticbunny  @lucidlycactus  @smiithys  @rottenroyalebooks  @kpopgirlbtssvt  @fangirl-tc27  @fr0z3n-1  @notmesimpingfortechno  @shotarosleftpinky  @kunoi-chan  @idk-whats-wrong-with-me  @yikeroonie  @goldenstarofthunderclan  @poetry-and-tea  @ama-do-writing-stuff  @wishbonewolf  @emeraldxhope  @t0xick1tty  @kusuinko  @speakyourselfloveyourself  @sophia902103  @lo-manburg  @classsykittykat  @dmgama  @depressedpuppythatneedscoffee  @btsiguess-kpop  @akaashi-baby  @gun-jong-simp  @geschichtenfee  @yerapotato-wp  @browneyedgirl365  @thysagclub  @sparklycloudnight  @helloatomicshadow  @queentorresstuff @vtte @val-gal  @lucy-bunny17  @aaliyahh0  @katluckybear  @boyleanti  @straybids  @franchesca-791  @cosmicstorm19  @averyisbackinthetrashcan  @aomi-nabi  @xlanawriter  @allensimpsforcorpse  @sunnyrae-cessh  @ladykxxx08  @meowiemari  @renupf  @booklover76  @sra-verissimo  @beatrhizn  @blueberrystigma  @beatrhizn  @chicken-taco-burrito  @scorpios-echos

[glassartpeasants]

Milk

Overhaul x F!Reader

Warnings: Non-con/dubcon (overhaul), overstimulation, light bondage, dom reader, reader milking overhaul, Overhauls in taurus, handjobs, slight blowjobs

A/N: I have no regrets in making this. This is the peak of my existence. I would like to thank god and my love for frosted sugar cookies from walmart.

@zuffer-weird-girl @hello-lucky-luka i shall warn you both that this is extremely smutty and I have absoultely no regrets in making this. This was way longer then I expected it to be soo....

~~~

“Who the hell are you? Another guard to tease me?” Overhaul said with venom as you walked into his room. His eyes sent glares your way but also with confusion. Its usually only males that come in here. Disgusting ones at that. Quirk filled and sick.

“Oh no, they just hired me. Now I’m gonna need you to cooperate with me, its either that or the hard way, and im sure you dont want that right?” You smirk as you bring in your supplies. Ropes, a gag, a blind fold and a chair.

“What the hell? What are you doing. Leave me alone at once. Do you know who I am?” He spat. He felt his anger rise as he saw you place your little ‘equipment’ near his bed. He tried to scoot back away from you only for you to grab his foot and jerk him near you.

“I’m gonna give you another chance, you either sit in that chair willingly and let me tie you up, or, I pour dirt on you. Your choice.” You glared at him right back. You were trying to be nice, give him at least a chance but you saw why they told you they would pay good money to do this. 

Your job is difficult to describe but what made them hire you was that your quirkless. It was the least they could do for him. Have a quirkless girl mess with him until he was a shivering and whiny mess.

Funny thing is, after your appointment with this gem you also have to go to a few different places. You’ll talk about that later. But for the time being, you had to figure out a way to get this man on the chair.

“You wouldn’t dare.”

“Oh I would. Be at least grateful that im quirkless. They could have sent someone with quirks.” You say hoping it was enough to get him to shut up. 

“...fine.”

“Pefect!” You smile as he turned around and got up off the bed. You dragged him by his shirt and plopped him on the chair. His face never changing his glare. You roll your eyes as you quickly tie him up, making sure that no matter how hard he tried he wouldn’t be able to move a inch. He tried struggling but that only made you tighten the ropes.

“What the fuck is this for?” He snarled at you. Hate oozing from his pores. How dare you touch him with your hands? Do you have any idea how many bacteria you hand could have?!

His skin started to break out in hives. You saw from the corner of your eye. as you rolled your eyes. Jeez you knew he was a germophobe but holy shit man.

“Calm your tits Chisaki, i took to showers and washed my hand 3 times. I think your can manage.” You snap at him. Once your finished with tying him to the chair you grab you blindfold and pin it around his eyes. You snicker when you here him mumble curse words at you.

“I demand you take this off at once!” He said jerking his head trying to get it to fly off. His fingers were curled into a fist out of anger as he felt helpless. He couldn’t see where you are or what you were doing.

“Nah.” You giggle in his left ear before taking it between your teeth and giving it a nice tug. Your hands go up his back and over his shoulders and down his chest as you kept on tugging and nibbling on Chisaki’s ear.

Your fingers tapping on his chest as you moved your hands near the end of his shirt. You made extra sure your hands where cold so that you could see him shiver. You lift his shirt up before pushing your hands up, letting your cold fingers touch his nipples making him let out a gasp.

“Aw does pretty boy like that?” You laugh in his ear as you move your fingers to grab his nipples. Pinching and twisting him while you kiss his neck, giving it a few kisses and some harsh sucks.

“You better stop this instant!” He yelled at you before letting out a yelp once he felt you sink you teeth into his neck. He could feel you using your tongue licking away the blood that had surface. Your fingers finally left his nipples alone after tweaking them raw.

You moved your body so you were on your knees in front of his crouch. You were so lost in your thought on what to do next that you almost didn’t notice the way Chisaki was panting. Your lips curved into a smirk before running your hand up his thigh watching him tense up.

“What the hell are you doing?!” He screeched at you. You only ignored his ranting as you move your hand to be above his crotch slightly pushing down on his dick. He jumped at the pressure before struggling trying to get out of his cage. 

You smirked wickedly before you started rubbing him in a fast pace. You held the outline of his dick and moved your hand up and down, giving it a few good squeezes here and there. 

You finally grab the zipper of his pants and pull it down letting you get a good sight of his boxers and his semi hard cock. You move your face closer to it before putting your lips on the fabric that covered his dick and let out a few puffs of hot air. Which in return gave you the feeling of his cock twitch and throb. You couldn’t tell if he was trying to buck his hips up or not, nor did you care. It was therapeutic to see what use to be a powerful man, now reduced to nothing but getting teased and now getting his cock milked dry until hes a crying overstimulated mess.

Your fingers tug at the waist band of his boxers before sliding it down so Chisaki’s dick had popped out. The cold air hitting his dick making him shiver. He moved his head to try and look down at you but the blindfold made it impossible.

You grab his cock and took a good look at it. Tbh you figured it would be small cause you know the saying, big egos tiny dicks, well Chisaki didn’t fit that description. He had to be at least 7-8 inches. Damn and to think you were gonna tease him.

“Wow, never thought you of all people would have such a big package. And all for me? Your too kind.” You laugh at him as you saw his face go beet red. Your soft hands slowly grabbed his cock, your nails skimming the underside before bringing his cock head to your mouth.

You let out a few beginning licks before taking his whole cock head in your mouth, making him let out a squeak. You started sucking harshly and running your tongue over his slit while both your hands were working on jacking the rest of his cock off, and the other massaging his balls. You looked up at him and you felt a sense of pride was over you as you saw Chisaki huffing and moving his head back. Noticing his toes where curling and his knuckles turning white. 

“You-you better s-stop, I-ahhh- You don’t know h-how many germs a-are in peoples mouths?” He was stuttering over his words as your harsh sucking was taking every rational thought out of his mind. It felt so good-no! He can’t just give up so easily! He needs to -FUCK!

While Chisaki was having his internal conversation, You finally enveloped his entire cock in your mouth, making him let out a loud groan. You moved your head fast while sucking him like your life depended on it. Your tongue wrapping around his cock while it disappears and reappears inside your mouth. Your fingers are massaging his balls causing him to twitch inside your mouth. He cries out in pleasure. This feeling is all foreign to him. He’s never had any sexual intimacy due to always on the job and seeing any sexual acts as disgusting.

You pull his dick out of your mouth making it let out a pop sound. If you weren’t listening closely to the sounds he was making you would have missed the little whimper that erupted from his throat.

You move your hand slowly at first, making your saliva and his precum as makeshift lube. his cock twitched in your hands, begging to have some more friction, which you gave you quickly gave.

You hand started pumping his cock furiously while laying your head on his thigh. You smirked as you watch the once feared Yakuza boss crumble under the feeling of your hand pumping his cock.

Chisaki flipped his head back and let out moans of ecstasy, His entire being shaking by the feeling of you pumping his cock so fast. He could feel the line in his belly about to snap as his eyes rolled in the back of his head. Oh god he couldn’t get this feeling out of his head. It only worsened when he felt your lips sucking on his sensitive balls.

He couldn’t handle this intense pleasure anymore before the line in his belly snapped and his cock spurted out ropes of cum everywhere. He let out a whine while he was coming down from his high.

His whines and pants were music to your ears as you stopped your hand movements and licked his cum off his hand. Considering he ate healthy his cum was not sweet but not salty either so you could thank him for that. Its thick consistency made you struggle to swallow all of it but you managed.

“Now since we finished that, on to the man show!” Chisaki’s eyes widen before he heard a low humming noise. Right as he was about to say something a vibration was sent along his shaft before reaching the base. He let out a little moan before the blinding light of his prison cell was stinging his eyes. 

“Aw look at you. All red face and panting, all because of little old me?” You giggle before you begun to take off your clothes. Your shirt and pants where the first thing to go before you grabbed Chisaki’s face and made him watch your take off your bra and panties, leaving you naked.

You walked towards him and moved your legs to where you were hovering over his cock as you straddled him. You moved your hips to where you were slightly stroking him but not giving him the friction he and you wanted. Chisaki’s mind was to occupied by the vibrating cock ring and your pussy  to notice that he was in fact drooling. He was so sensitive since it was all new to him that when you actually put his cock inside you he came again.

“Aw so sensitive aren’t we?” You slowly begin to move up and down while grabbing your gag and placing it in Chisaki’s mouth making more drool appear. You roll your hips and bit your lip as the cock ring you put on Chisaki was also sending vibration to your clit making your shiver and moan to.

You started to move up and down quickly as you put your hands on his shoulder and dig your nails into it. Your mouth goes down to his neck and you started whispering dirty things into his ear.

“Look at you, who knew one of Japans s-ranked criminals would be losing their mind to pleasure by a quirkless girl.” You whisper in his ear while the only answer you got was a low groan along with a sight of a few tears streaking down Chisaki’s face.

“Its such a shame that such a pretty face like yours has to be hidden from the public eye. So strong and muscular Chisaki..or should I say Overhaul?” You smirk when you felt his cock twitch while you said it. 

“Oh you like me calling you Overhaul? Why does it still give you a sense of power? Oh sweetie in here, I’m the one who has the power.” You laugh at him before speeding up your hips as you watched him throw his head back farther and more drool escaping his mouth. You laugh as you take out the gag and throw it to an unknown corner of the room. You grab his face before grabbing his bottom lip between your teeth, giving it a good tug.

Fuck it Chisaki couldn’t care anymore. You were so warm and tight. It felt like you were squeezing the cum out of him. Once you started tugging on his bottom lip he couldn’t help but kiss back. Your lips were so soft. So kissable.

He was so close please just let him cum. He didn’t know how much longer he could last in your tight walls. His eyes were fluttering close as it was all to much for him to handle.

“I-I have to cum...please I can’t t-take it anymore.” When did he resort to begging? The Yakuza boss would never beg!

“Well since you’ve been such a good boy I think you deserve it just this once.” You giggle before speeding up as you bounced up and down his cock. His cock was hitting all the right spaces and the vibrating cock ring kept hitting your clit giving you sparks of pleasure.

Chisaki’s eyes blew wide before he let out a scream of complete euphoria. Tears streamed down his face as ropes of his cum painted your insides white. You gripped his shoulders in an iron grip while your cunt clamped down on his cock and came all over his cock. You both were taking a breather before you decided to move your hips again making Chisaki whimper. He was even more sensitive then before. He couldn’t handle another round!

“I-I can’t do another round. My cock is so sensitive please you’ve won! you won!” Chisaki cried out as you bounced on his cock even faster than before. You leaned your head into his neck, giving it little kisses and praising him for being so cooperative. 

“Oh my sweet Overhaul, this game is no where near over.” You laughed in his ear while bouncing on his overstimulated dick. His eyes were puffy and red from tears and drool dripped down his chin. 

He hid his face inside your shoulder so you wouldn’t see how badly you were affecting him. His moans were muffled by your shoulder and your shoulder became wet with his tears and drool.

“Now tell me Overhaul, who does this cock belong to hmm? Who does this body belong to? Say the right answer and I’ll stop.” You laugh at him. It gave you some sort of twisted arousal to see this once powerful man tell you that he belongs to you. You enjoyed watching over him and seeing how far you could push him to the limit. You could tell he was trying to speak but he was still holding onto once sense of pride.

“Well if your not going to answer i have no where to be until 5pm and considering its only 11am, I say I have all the time in the world to hear you say you belong to me. And only me.” And you swore the look in his golden eyes was gonna be something you would never forget.

[pbandjesse]

Its my last day of my 20s!! It only feels a little weird. But I was weepy today. I dont think it was related. I think I was just. Having a hard day. Emotional. But it was still mostly good. 

I slept alright. Getting up was hard but James came in at 830 and said he was going to bike to the store and would be back around 9. So it gave me a little time frame to wake myself up and get dressed. 

So I did that. But I was down. Just felt sad. I got washed and dressed. I was happy with my hair. I love my new sweater. It was the first time Ive worn  it and its really great. Very soft. But I was still sad. 

I have some aches and pains. I need to make an appointment to see the dentist soon. And I have a weird wound in the back of my knee. I tried to feel alright but it was hard. 

James got back and made me a bagel. I played a little animal crossing. And he worked at his desk. SweetP really likes the desk. It lets him be tall. 

Eventually though James asked if I was ready to go out and I wasnt feeling great. But I wanted to feel better. So off we went. 

First we went down to the harbor. We were squish hunting and I wanted to hit up 4 places. CVS, Marshal's, Five Below, and Target. Because they were each in a set of two spots. So we wouldnt have to keep moving the car and parking. 

CVS was a bust. They didnt have any of their easter stuff out and they didnt have any valentines ones left. We walked the aisles just in case one was misplaced but no dice. So across the street we went to Marshal's. 

Better luck there! They had a bunch of the goofy ones with the hair. An owl. Some unicorns. But I ended up getting a cuddler. I really would like the dragon one but this pegasis spoke to me. Its a very good hug. And it was on clearance. The cashier liked him too. Mostly because he was purple but I think they look like Guy Feiari. 

We went to the car and headed out to the next places. A car almost hit us when we were leaving but James kept us safe. We were just a little shaken up. 

We went to Five Below next. At first I was like. Aw man no luck. They just had a little unicorn. But I did get a mini brand surprise pack. James was trying really hard to cheer me up but I know I was radiating sadness. 

We checked out and as we were leaving James noticed that we didnt see that they had all the new easter squishes by the door! 

I was super excited. The cashier said that they just put them out but people had been calling for a week. I didnt want all of them. I got 5. I was super excited about the cow and the octopus but the goat and pig were really cute in person. James liked the carrot a lot but I want to make the bottom more pointy so they will need work. 

We still went to look at target. This target had a lot more then the one yesterday. I ended up getting a very large dragon. I almost went for the bunny loaf but I am excited about my dragon. 

We picked up some tissues and floss too. Because we are adults. Adults who were hunting for stuffed animals. And then we headed home. 

My mood was up for a little there but it dropped back down again. I was sad. It sucked. 

We went home and James would make up an at home picnic. It was to wet outside to try to do a proper one. But he made the food look all nice. He even made deviled eggs and green salad. It was a really nice meal. And we talked about my sads and he tried to understand what he could do to help. But I was just. Going through it. 

I did get another gift today. He got a surprise box of beanie babies from an antique store in Hampden. And they were almost all beanie baby birthday bears. So later in the day I would hang up a shelf for them in the studio. I think they are very cute. It was funny though because there was no february but thats okay. I like the clown ones a lot. I think they are all very cute. 

I had work to do though. After lunch I worked on the Capybara for Gaby. I finished him up fast enough that James was able to take him to Gaby when he went to take a bike ride. And that was nice. And it gave me a little time to be alone and chill with my own feelings. 

I worked on my last drawing for the 30 day project. And then I went to play animal crossing. I made a rose garden and a carnival area. I want to work on the carnival more but it was still fun. 

James got back and we talked about pancake dinner. He went to go bake in the kitchen and eventually the sun was looking really golden in the living room so I wanted to take pictures but we were having trouble with the camera and so we missed the golden light. But we still got a couple pictures. 

But then I was just. So sad. I got overheated and I just needed to go lay down.  went and laid in the studio and watched videos for a while. Eventually James came and laid with me. Until around 6 when he went to go make up pancakes for dinner. 

We had a nice dinner. And then it was time for him to go play a game with his friends. I stayed and talked for a bit. Showed off my new squishes. And my new piercing. I actually rattled my piercing a little today and the top one hurts a little. But I can tell how well its healing so Im not to worried. 

I have been hanging out for the last hour. I made outfits for the week. Played around with my renfaire costume, coming up with more accessories to make it more believable. Its been nice. 

And now I am just tired. I am ready to take a shower and get some rest. 

Its  my birthday tomorrow! I hope its just. A good day. James had to work. But I hope to like. Read. Maybe take a drive. Just have a nice day. I hope you all have a good day too. 

Goodnight everyone. Take care of yourselves!!  

[sunflowersunshinevol6]

Hello Harry

Part 2

Pairing: Harry Styles x Fem OC

Warnings: smut, prostitution, infidelity

A/N: hope you all enjoy this. Feedback always appreciated

-Shay

Part one

Camille's in the kitchen when he gets home. The moment he sees her the guilt he has felt plaguing him the whole drive home disappears, replaced with the hurt and anger yet again.

"Welcome home baby," she says cheerfully, as if she hasn't a care in the world. She comes to him, arms open, only to give a confused 'hmm' when he rejects her arms.

"We need to talk." He says flatly. She can tell something's wrong.

"Anything baby-"

"Don' call me tha'." He snaps. He sighs, rubbing his hand over his face, trying to figure out how to have this conversation. :I met Marie today." He uses her fake name, wondering if she had ever told Camille her real one. From the look on her face he can tell she never did.

"Oh...Harry please let me-"

"Why weren't you honest with me?"

"What could I say? That I paid a prostitute to teach me how to please you? Do you realize how humiliating that is?"

"If you wanted tips you could have read a fucking Cosmo for fucks sake Camille! You paid her to teach you tricks. Did you really do that for me or-" he can't bring himself to say it, his whole body rolling with rage, his hands shake at his sides, eyes burning with unshed tears.

"Harry." She reaches up but he jerks just out of her reach. "Harry it was for you...I never....I would never-"

"I'm moving out." He says flatly, surprising even himself. "I can't....I can't be here." He pushes past her towards the bedroom they once shared, painful memories of love and laughter, intimacy fill his mind as he packs a bag and throws it over his shoulder.

"Harry please dont do this," she begs as he walks towards the door. The slamming of it as he leaves his final word on the matter.

He doesn't really have anywhere to go, not at the moment. But he knows the motels around the place well enough to find somewhere to sleep. Or not sleep as the case may be. He can't really imagine resting right now, he feels too much to let go of wakefulness.

He can't really see being with Camille anymore, even though he still loves her, he can't look at her without thinking of Prudence, of what she's paid her for.

And what he has paid her to do.

He feels...not bad about it, his relationship was over before he paid a stranger to blow him. But he feels weird, like there was more to it, something about their meeting that wasn't finished when he found out the truth about Camile, and came down Rudi's throat. Something that hung there in the air after they'd said goodbye.

Rudi.

Where the hell did that come from?

Harry flips a thin motel pillow over his face, blocking out the flashing neon.

Sleep.

Sleep. Now.

Fuck.

Doors bang along the balcony of the motel the ice machine rumbles to itself and cars howl past on the freeway. Harry flips onto his front and buries his face in the stale bedding, the sheets itch at his naked back. He misses his bed, but missing that leads to missing other things. His home, his girl, his entire previous existence.

He wishes he'd gone for a place with a mini-bar. If he's going to be this pathetic he might as well be drunk.

Voices cross the walkway outside of his room. He cracks an eye at the clock on the wall – 4 am. The voices get nearer, a deep rough voice, taunting and cruel.

"C'mon Jezebel...come here..." indistinct shuffling and the bang of a thin door crashing against the wall in the room next to his own. Great. A lighter thud as someone, presumably the 'Jezebel' in question – "How much? How much for you...like this?" A man growled almost against the the paper thin walls "You suddenly worth more? Someone been filling your head with nonesense?" the laugh again. "Get on your knees, two hundred girl, you're going to work for it." Harry officially gives up on sleep at the first moan.

It's unpleasant, the guys voice is like a raspy like he smokes too many cigarettes. He keeps up a steady commentary, barking the occasional 'Faster' or the slightly more unpleasant 'God like that, fuck' which ruins about eight of Harry's childhood memories. After a long long time, the strangled groans of appreciation grown in both volume and frequency, ending in a growled out 'Fuck!' and then, blissful silence until...

"Swallow."

Harry wishes for death, or at least alcohol, now with more sincerity than before. He really should have factored in cheap hotel = hookers and loud sex. Clearly he wasn't thinking. Since he's going to be awake he figures he might as well stop pretending. He noticed a coke machine at the end of the walkway earlier and so he gets up, flicks on the TV and pulls on his pants, searching for change. He's ducking out the door when he hears it, on the walkway.

"Not worth two hundred, was it Jezebel" the voice has gotten, if anything, more unpleasant. Pressing and dangerously low. "What am I going to do with you?"

"Nothing you haven't paid for." Replies a a sharp and annoyed tone. Harry freezes, because it isn't a bimbo's voice, it's Prudence.

Small fucking world huh?

"You should only be using that mouth to suck my dick." Snarls the man.

Harry opens the door, telling himself that this isn't his business, but that he has to intervene.

A man, a little taller than Prudence, but thicker with muscle and wearing the long dark coat and expensive suit of a businessman has her backed against the railing just outside his door. Prudence is bravely trying not to shiver in the night air, despite the fact that it's drizzling and she's still in the thin T-shirt and jeans she was wearing earlier.

"Can I help you?" the asshole snaps. Prudence looks at Harry with faint surprise and perhaps a trace of relief.

"No but..." Harry's mind works quickly. "well...'Jezebel' and I? We have an outstanding appointment...don't we?" he tries to be gross and sleezy, slightly smirking, hoping he's pulled it off. The guy looks at him a moment longer, then backs away, scoffing.

"This bitch isnt worth it." He confides, he slaps Prudence's ass, causing her to flinch, jerking away.

Harry ignores him, waiting instead for the man to leave, getting into a silver BMW on the other side of the parking lot.

"You ok Rudi?" Prudence frowns at the name but nods, a smile curving her mouth but not reaching her eyes.

"Yes, thank you...I always expect the worst from Benjamin."

"He seems like a dick"

Harry doesn't really know what to say to that. Because sleeping with reasonable, nice person is one thing, getting shoved around by vicious pricks at the break of dawn in a sleazy motel...he feels sorry for her.

"You want to...I don't know, come in, for a while?" She pauses, hesitating on the walkway. "Not for...just to get it together? I'll give you a ride home if you want."

A genuine smile, small but bright, spread across her face.

"Thank you Harry"

It's a little awkward. She stands just inside the doorway, the tv on low, the glowing light illuminating her face with shadows. Harry can see she's shivering.

"You can use the blanket if you wan'" he says, gesturing towards the bed. She smiles with gratitude, not saying anything she walks over to the bed, pulling the cheap duvet up and around herself. Harry clears his throat. "I'm sorry...I don't know what to say."

"It's alright. You don't have to say anything." Harry nods, a thick knot growing in his throat, he swallows hard, thinking about her mouth, the way she had worked him to release earlier, his lip twitches. She seems to sense where his mind is going.

"Do you-?" She doesn't finish. He knows what she's asking.

"No. No I'm okay." He mentally slaps himself. He doesnt want to be that guy. He won't be.

"You don't have to be a gentleman."

"I take it you're not used to that?" She shrugs.

"Some of the guys are nice. The women can be sweet sometimes....but it's like a facade. They don't want to 'be like the rest' they play a game but we both know what they're there for and after a few minutes it's all the same."

"Why do it? I mean...do you enjoy it?" His cheeks heat up awkwardly. He's not sure why he's asking her this.

"Are you asking because of our encounter earlier?" Shit. She caught him.

"You seemed pretty into it." She smiles, laughing lightly. It's nice, helps him relax a bit.

"I was. It's rare that I get to enjoy myself like that but....it's more of a job to pay for what I really do."

"And what's that?"

"I paint." This surprises him. He never expected that she could be....so normal. Is that the right word. "My dad....he always encouraged me to follow my heart."

"Does he know what you do to support yourself?" She shakes her head.

"No. My dad....we havent talked in a while." The way she says it leaves no room for more questions. She shuts down the conversation. Harry nods. Rudi lays back, opening the duvet to him. "Do you mind if I sleep here? Just for a few hours? I'm exhausted. I promise to keep my hands to myself." He chuckles, laughing for the first time in what felt like ages.

"A few hours." He agrees. He lays down, making sure to keep his distance as best he can. He stares at the ceiling, listening to her as she quickly falls asleep. He turns his head. She looks peaceful, the dark shadows under her eyes standing out against her skin but she almost looks like a child sleeping soundly. It doesn't take him long to follow suit, falling into fitful slumber.

[huphilpuffs]

flares

chapter: 25/? summary: Dan’s body has been broken for as long as he can remember, and he’s long since learned to deal with it. Sort of. But when his symptoms force him to leave uni and move into a new flat with a stranger named Phil, he finds that ignoring the pain isn’t the way to make himself happy. word count: 3065 rating: mature warnings: chronic illness, chronic pain, medicine a/n: a huge thanks goes to @obsessivelymoody for beta reading this for me!

Ao3 link || read from beginning

Dan wakes up on Thursday to a heaviness in his chest.

He groans before he even opens his eyes. His face is squished against a pillow, his ribs pressed too harshly against the mattress. Stabs of pain burst between them, make his muscles spasm and send his breath escaping in a stutter. He has to count, one, two, three, four to keep it from happening a second time.

It eases some when he rolls onto his back.

And he tries to comfort himself further by counting out how long it’s been since he’s been able to sleep on his stomach. Too long, probably.

He’s been getting better, though. Even staring at the bedroom ceiling through his tears, Dan knows that. Knows the he’s helped Phil with dinner the last few nights, and managed to handle the curtains being open for a few hours yesterday.

His hand smoothes across his sternum, and he pokes at the painful spots in his sides until the sharpness dulls.

It’s enough to let Dan sit up, then stand on shaky knees. He tosses Phil’s pillow back to where it belongs and tucks the duvet into place to prove the voice in his head, wondering why he’s suddenly worse again, that he’s fine.

And to ignore the second voice, telling him it’s anxiety that causes your pain, over and over again.

His appointment is in a day.

Dan’s hardly slept for three.

He tries to swallow back a sigh. Whatever rush of adrenaline had dragged him out of bed has faded, left fatigue settling heavy in his bones again. He could drag himself to the lounge, curl up in his blankets and continue his new daily routine of watching people on YouTube for hours.

But his body aches and his eyes burn, and he crawls back into bed instead.

The voice in his head grows louder.

Dan grabs Phil’s pillow, clutches it ot his chest and presses his face against the fabric, breathing deeply.

It smells like Phil.

He holds it until he falls back asleep.

---

The afternoon drags.

It’s past two when Dan wakes up again. The flat is still empty, the bed unmade again. He crawls out without bothering to fix it, makes himself a sandwich, and settles back on the sofa, where he can rest his head against the cushions and ignore the tightness around his heart.

Every time he turns on his phone, it’s too a notification reminding him he has an appointment tomorrow that has his muscles seizing, making it ache to breathe.

And to a reminder he half regrets setting, since he’s ignored it for days.

Call mum.

There’s only a few hours to follow through with it now.

He glances back at the clock that tells him it’s just ticking past three. Twenty-five hours left, says the voice in his head. It sounds like the last GP he saw, who looked him in the eyes and told him to try acting like he had more energy, who told him it would help.

You should try it, his mum had said afterwards. You never know unless you do.

Dan’s thumb swipes across the screen. He finds her contact, sucks in a breath, and hits the call button.

He doesn’t breathe again until she picks up on the third ring.

“Hi, Dan,” she says.

He hasn’t heard her voice since he decided to stay here. It feels like a lifetime ago, suddenly.

“Hi, mum.”

There’s silence for a long moment. He can hear her breathing over the line, low and steady, and wonders if she can hear the shakiness in his.

“How are you?” she asks

“I’m okay,” he says. “I, uh, have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow.”

“Oh?”

He swallows, nodding even though she can’t see him. “Just with my new GP, but I’m hoping he might be able to help me,” he says. “With, well, you know.”

“I hope he can.”

She sounds sad. It’s been a long time since Dan’s heard that.

“Me too,” he says. And then, because he can’t handle the silence: “But, uh, I was hoping you could maybe help me figure out my medical history, to prepare? I don’t remember all of it from when I first got sick.”

Back when she was responsible for it, he doesn’t say. Back when anyone could keep track of all of it.

“I’ll text it to you, okay?” she says. “I know your memory isn’t always the best, and your wrists tend to ache from writing.”

“Really?” He slams his mouth shut, the click of his teeth probably audible over the phone. “I mean, thanks.”

She chuckles, quiet, distant, like he can hear the miles between them. “I’m not always heartless, you know,” she says.

Dan’s breath comes out in a rush. Guilt bursts in its place, painful, bringing tears to his eyes. And he wants to tell her he never thought she was, but he can’t. She knows he can’t. He doesn’t even know what he thinks about her now, crying, hands shaking as he clutches his phone too tightly.

“Can I ask you something?” she says. “Without you getting mad?”

“Yeah.”

“How are you doing?” she says. “I know you don’t think your problems are with your mental health, and I’m not implying they are–” the not this time goes unspoken “–but I know you’ve had bad experiences with doctors and you’re my son.”

His breath catches. A tear rolls down his cheek, and he wipes it away with his hand.

This is his first appointment without her, he realizes. The first one in six years that she’s not driving him to, waiting outside or sitting next to him for the length of it. The first time she won’t smooth his hand over his knee in the waiting room, telling him it’ll be okay, that doctors can be trusted, even though they’d been proving otherwise for so long.

“I’m okay,” he says. “Phil’s coming with me.”

“That’s good,” she says, like she means it. “I am glad you have him, you know.”

He almost reminds her what she thought of him living with Phil last time they spoke, but his heart aches and his eyes are stinging and he doesn’t want to fight, not this time.

“Me too,” he says. “He’s the best, mum.”

She sounds like she’s smiling when she says: “I’d love to meet him, one day.”

Dan swallows. He can hardly picture it, bringing Phil back to a house filled with terrible memories and people he still doesn’t trust entirely. And yet there’s a tug in his chest, a bittersweet image forming in the back of his mind.

He doesn’t say anything.

Neither does she, for a while.

“I should get going,” is what she ends up saying. “As long as you’re okay? I’ll text you your medical information in a little bit.”

“Okay,” he says. “I’m okay. Thank you.”

She hums. “And Dan?”

“Yeah?”

“You should call your grandma. She misses her sofa buddy.”

He chuckles. It aches. Suddenly, he’s exhausted again. “Okay. I will,” he promises. “And mum?”

“Yeah?”

“No news is good news, okay? If I don’t call you after the appointment, I mean.”

“Okay,” she says. “Bye.”

“Bye.”

The line goes dead.

His head falls back against the cushion and his phone drops onto the sofa. Tears are rolling down his cheeks, and he’s not entirely sure he knows why.

Or maybe he just can’t untangle all the many, many reasons.

---

Phil’s quiet when he gets home.

He takes the smoothie Dan didn’t touch and sets it on the coffee table before dropping onto the empty cushion. His arm is draped across the back of the cushion, his hip just inches from Dan’s, as he turns his gaze to the open laptop, lit up with another Smosh video.

Dan’s been watching them mindlessly since his tears dried on his cheeks.

“This is a good one,” says Phil.

It’s an older one, the production value a little cheaper and humour a tad outdated. Probably more similar to what Phil had watched back at uni, Dan thinks. He tries to imagine it, a younger version of Phil, one with longer hair and a slightly narrower frame, sitting in a uni room like the one Dan moved out of before coming here.

He hardly can. Maybe because his mind is still muddled, hanging onto words he said during the phone call, onto all the things he should have said but didn’t.

“It is,” he says, just as the video ends.

He doesn’t start a new one.

Phil’s fingers sweep across his shoulder. In Dan’s peripheral, he can see Phil turn to look at him, but he doesn’t look back.

“Are you okay?” asks Phil.

Dan swallows. There’s a lump in his throat, a pressure behind his eyes so harsh it aches.

“Didn’t sleep very well,” he says.

Phil squeezes his shoulder. “I know.”

That makes the corner of his mouth quirk up. Of course Phil knows. He was there, arms wrapped around Dan as he fidgeted, tossed, and turned. His hands had combed through Dan’s hair, and his quiet questions about if Dan was okay were mumbled against his shoulder, his reassurance felt in his touch.

Phil usually falls asleep pretty quickly, Dan’s learned. Last night, he didn’t.

The hand at his shoulder tightens. Dan finally turns to face Phil.

“Is that all that’s bothering you?”

His eyes are soft, almost sad, as his hand rubs gentle circles against Dan’s skin. He knows. He must know something’s up. Dan has to remind himself that Phil’s seen him after countless sleepless nights, curled up in soft blankets on the sofa and dozing when his mind gets too tired to keep racing.

Today isn’t like that.

Dan reaches out to rest a hand on Phil’s knee, needing to feel grounded, as the first tear rolls down his cheek. Phil draws him closer, so Dan’s head is by his shoulder, his tears dripping down onto the fabric of Phil’s shirt.

There’s no pressure, none but the weight of Phil’s hand on his shoulder, when Dan says:

“I called my mum.”

Phil goes tense. “Oh,” he say. “How did that go?”

Dan swallows. “I don’t know.”

He really doesn’t. His chest feels too full with contradictions, the weight of past accusations crashing up against her understanding tone and he doesn’t know what to think anymore. He’s never been sure how to exist around her, not since pain first settled in his bones and she told him it was growing pains, it would pass, it would get better.

And it never did.

“I haven’t talked to her since I told her I was staying in Manchester,” he says, maybe as an afterthought, maybe because it’s felt heavy on his shoulders since he answered the phone.

“Was she nicer this time?”

He nods. Another tear falls. “She’s texting me my medical history,” says Dan. “She offered, because she– she knew I had trouble writing and remembering.”

Phil hums. His breath has gone even again. His mouth is close to the top of Dan’s head. He sounds hesitant when he speaks. “It sounds like she cares.”

Dan feels that, sharp and painful in his gut. Another tear rolls down his cheek, and his breath catches, and Phil holds him tighter like he’s scared Dan will fall apart.

Maybe he will.

It’s been so long,

He’s been so that sure she doesn’t actually care.

Now, he doesn’t know what to think.

---

His mum texts him.

Dan almost cries. His teeth dig into his lip and his ribs ache and he stares, wide-eyed, at the list of diagnoses and unexplained symptoms he’s had over the years. There’s the migraines they never treated at the beginning, the lightheadedness it took them four years to explain, the instructions to do more exercise that dot the whole six years that he’s been ill.

The first time he went to therapy, and the antidepressants they put him on, and the second time he went to therapy.

And every time he told his doctor he was still sick after that.

Phil’s hand lands on his wrist, gently pushing the phone from Dan’s line of sight. His voice is barely a whisper when he says: “Are you okay?”

Dan swallows. His throat aches.

Laid out like this, it doesn’t look that bad, a distant voice in his head that’s haunted him for too long tries to remind him that maybe he’s just making it all up. Maybe it wasn’t that bad. But Dan can remember the A&E doctor who turned him away because it was growing pains. Can remember the so many times his blood pressure was low before anyone bothered to point it out.

The time his doctor looked at him and said–

“Can we do something?” says Dan. “I want to– I need a distraction.”

Phil nods. In Dan’s peripheral, his phone screen goes black. The knot in his chest loosens, just a bit.

“Wanna play video games?” says Phil.

He shakes his head. “Wanna go out. It’s been too long.”

Phil’s brows furrow, like he’s about to point out that there’s a reason it’s been so long, about to warn Dan that he doesn’t want to make himself sick before such an important day.

Except part of Dan does. He’s done it before, forced himself to be in pain because maybe that way the doctors would actually see that he wasn’t lying. Not that it’s ever worked.

“Please?” he says.

Phil squeezes his wrist. “Okay.” His thumb drifts across Dan’s, careful and comforting. “Where do you want to go?”

---

Dan squeezes into his skinny jeans, even though the fabric burns his legs. He pulls a shirt over his head for what feels like the first time in forever. Though his knees are shaky, he bends down to tie his own laces, as Phil watches from where he’s leaning against the door.

“Are you sure about this?”

He reaches out, without a word, to help Dan stand again.

“I’m sure,” says Dan. “And don’t worry, you won’t need to take me to A&E this time.”

The corner of Phil’s mouth quirks up, and Dan knows he’s forcing it. He can feel his worry in the too-tight clench of Phil’s hand around his, the way his gaze trips over Dan legs when he wobbles as he stands.

He squeezes Phil’s fingers, forcing a smile of his own, as he opens the door.

It’s warm outside. The sky’s going purple as the sun sinks below the city. Dan realizes, staring up at it, that he hasn’t left the flat since he trip to A&E, hasn’t enjoyed being outside in far too long.

If his joints would let him, he’d suggest they walk around a bit. Instead, he stares up at the clouds and reminds himself to spend more evenings, when the sun won’t burn his eyes, on their little balcony, just to feel the wind against his cheeks again.

Phil tugs on his hand when the cab pulls up in front of them. They pile in, side by side in the back seat. Dan doesn’t put on his seatbelt. He can’t be bothered to deal with the harsh rub of fabric against his ribs.

His chest is still tight, the quiet buzz of anxiety at the back of his mind growing louder. He can still feel his phone, heavy in his pocket, can still imagine the text he hasn’t yet responded to. He can remember their last movie night, laughing and gasping and falling asleep with Phil’s hands trying to massage the pain away.

They hadn’t even gone out last time.

Dan stares out the window and hopes he can keep his promise that it’ll be okay this time.

They slip out of the car at the cinema. Phil pays the driver. Dan leans against the wall as he waits, wondering if the lines inside are long. It’s been so long since he’s been to the cinema, he can hardly imagine it anymore. The screens usually hurt his eyes and the audio gives him a headache and he doesn’t care today.

“You okay?”

Phil’s smiling at him, standing by the door. He holds it open for Dan, and buys their tickets for a random comedy neither of them particularly wanted to see. He lets Dan go find a seat as he buys them popcorn, soda, and a chocolate bar to share. He hands it over, in the darkness of the theatre, with a smile.

Between them, their knees bump together as the film starts.

---

They’re holding hands when it ends.

Dan’s eyes are starting to burn and his chest aches from laughing, but the voices in his head have dulled just enough that he can breathe a little easier. He doesn’t think about the appointment he needs to show up to tomorrow, or the doctor he hasn’t met yet who might dash his hopes all over again.

He stares at their joined hands as the cinema empties, smiling.

“You ready to go home?” says Phil.

Dan shrugs. He probably should give his spine a break by sinking into the sofa again, close his eyes against the bright lights of the city before a headache wells in his temples. But he doesn’t want to sit in the dark and wait until tomorrow, letting his fears return.

“Can we get pizza?”

“You up to walk?”

He nods. Phil helps him to his feet and leads him out of the cinema. He knows Manchester better than Dan does, and tells a story about coming to watch movies with Ian when he was younger as they find the nearest pizza place. Dan listens, maybe more attentively than he needs to, to keep his mind from going hazy as the city moves around him.

There’s still a smile tugging at the corner of his mouth.

Dan wonders if him of a few years ago would have believed that he’d end up here.

The restaurant they end up in is small and quiet, and they slide into a booth in the corner of the room. Dan sinks back against the cushion, realizing that Phil’s smiling, too.

His chest feels warm. His fingers twist in the tablecloth, because part of him misses holding Phil’s hand.

“Thanks for tonight,” says Dan. “I had fun.”

Under the table, Phil knocks their feet together.

“I did too,” he says.

[lenin-it-to-win-it]

just gonna rant about my health issues to no one in particular for a bit under the cut sooo

im just so fucking tired of being sick all the time like. its been almost 2 years now of actively Going To Doctors And Having Tests Done And Trying To Get A Diagnosis and fucking!!! nothing works!!! and i only have until the end of this coming school year to get it figured out before my insurance runs out otherwise im just fucked!!! because im sure as hell not gonna be able to afford a fucking mri every six months making 10 bucks an hour at some retail shithole but so far ive seen SIX different fucking doctors (not counting 2 ER visits) because they all just keep shuffling me back and forth like “idk maybe have someone else deal with this? weird lol” or like “have you considered that maybe you might have anxiety :) you seem stressed :)” 

like yeah its a fucking stressful situation getting progressively fucking sicker for two goddamn years wasting thousands of dollars and reaching the end of a fucking ticking clock because almost every doctor ive seen is an incompetent jackass who does NOTHING but waste my time and money and then fucking condescend to me about anxiety like!!! yeah i probably DO have anxiety and depression and autism and what the fuck ever else but this isnt THAT 

and the literal ONE TIME i had ANY treatment that worked AT ALL helping with my eye spasms (literally One of Many Symptoms that i deal with on a fucking daily basis that still manages to completely fuck up my life) is something i cant take anymore because it damaged my fucking eyes!!! possibly permanently!!! i already HAD issues wtih light sensitivity that this medicine made WAYYY fucking worse and guess whats one of the WORST things at setting off my eye spasms??? anything to do with fucking light so YEAH thANKS for that @ the opthalmologist who had me take those damn eye drops for two months straight, which other neuro opthalmologist said was bullshit when i saw her again, not that im letting HER off the hook either since she REFERRED me to that incompetent bitch in the first place and then had NO solution other than “hm well you definitely shouldnt take that medicine again, but theres literally No Other Treatment, maybe blow another $400 in a few months to come see me again so i can continue to Not Help You In Any Way”

and its getting wORSE ALL THE TIME!!! and the best thing doctors can think of is “hm well maybe wait a bit to see if it gets worse? and maybe then we’ll know what it is?” well its getting worse!!!! but they still dont seem to know what it is!!! like at first it was just my vision going out of focus for a few seconds at a time, then it was a few minutes, then i was having visual distortion (or maybe hallucinations? who knows! certainly not any of the fucking doctors ive seen!), then awful fucking eye strain headaches, then spasms in my neck, then my jaw, then my arms, then my legs, now all fucking over, and now i get sick and dizzy just by moving my HEAD too far or too suddenly and like at work earlier today i was just stumbling around for two hours bc there was too much pressure in my head and everything felt tilted and i was just grabbing at every surface trying not to fall with my head like on my shoulder bc keeping my neck straight was too fucking hard and i swear to fuckign god a couple nights ago there was this weird buzzing on the side of my face??? and like it felt like my mouth was moving slower than it should??? but i dont even KNOW if thats a Real SymptomTM or if i was just freaked out and tired and imagining things or if i really am just getting to be a paranoid delusional nutcase about my health because every little thing terrifies me at this point, like ive been coughing for a couple weeks and instead of being like “oh its a bad cold” im like “maybe now my immune systems fucked up too maybe this is A New Symptom” i literally cant tell anymore i have no fucking idea 

and i dont WANT to think about all this All The Fucking Time but i do!!!!! i literally HAVE to bc it affects my life in every fucking possible way and i cant escape it like even rn the light from the fuckign computer is hurting my eyes and i cant even see what im typing half the time bc my eyes keep going out of focus and my teeth keep chattering and my head hurts or ill go to get a drink of water but then just Stand there for a few minutes bc i dont trust myself to hold a cup full of water and not spill it bc im having spasms or ill have to wear sunglasses at the dinner table bc my fucking idiot asshole dad got the BRIGHTEST possible lightbulbs for the dining room and i physically cant stand them 

or like im already dreading having to explain all this shit to my professors this semester about how like “oh so i probably wont be able to keep up with daily readings, especialyl not if theyre on physical paper and i cant scale up the text because my eyes just spontaneously stop working and i cant read..... and ill need a computer to take notes, i can Usually hold a pencil but one time i had a spasm in class and flung it across the room and it was super embarrassing and i ltierally skipped that class for weeks because of it so id really rather not deal with that again.... and even though im a fuckign AMAZING public speaker like, state champion debate level public speaking, ill still probably get super fucking nervous and suck at any kind of in class presentation bc ill just be thinking about my spasms the whole time and wont be able to focus....... and ill have to wear sunglasses all the time too so hopefully thats not an issue........ and also ill probably miss a lot of class bc whether or not i can handle walking half a mile Varies Wildly from day to day and also i have a lot of doctors appointments and sometimes im on medicine that completely ruins my sleep schedule so you know... looking forward to a great semester, hope i dont completely fail your class” 

and i have fuckign work tomorrow where ill have to deal with trying to pretend like even the most minor tasks arent painful and difficult and deal with awful btichy entitled customers complaining that im not SMILEY enough for you like the motherfucker who asked me how i was and i said fine and he was like “jUuUUuuuST fINE” like shut the everlasting FUCK UP with that ive met my obligation leave me ALONE my day isnt FINE im in awful pain and i HATE you and everyone like you or ill have to deal with my coworkers giving me weird looks while im having spasms or outright MOCKING me for them like the asshole that called me TWITCH (and a whore, but thats Another Fucking Story) or just not knowing how to deal and making bad taste jokes like when my teeth are chattering bc I Physically Cant Make It Stop like “haha are you chewing an invisible piece of gum lol” like no bitch im a neurological nightmare and my brain doesnt work and im Barely Holding Together would you PLEASE shut the fuck up 

and most of the time i just feel like everyone thinks im a fucking freak like even just sitting in the waiting room to see the neurologist or opthalmologist or whatever and everyone else there is Old and im the only person even remotely close to my age there and even the doctors dont seem to take me that seriously bc of it like “oh shes young, cant be that bad, all these old people out here are gonna die like tomorrow so why worry about this girl, its probably just anxiety from being on her period or having a test to study for lol” like straight up when the movement disorder neurologist was examining me she was like “im not used to seeing anyone this young or healthy’ and i know she meant it relatively speaking but like!!! clearly im NOT healthy or i wouldnt BE here like obviously something is wrong with me and its ruining my life and its serious and id like it fixed thanks!!!!! 

and i feel like No One Gets It like, obviously there are people wayyyy sicker than i am who suffer a lot more or people in similar situations but like. i dont Personally Know someone like that i can just talk to and like, of course i have friends who can Listen but.................................. theres a difference from being able to listen and being able to actually Understand and sometimes you just cant Get It unless youve gone through it like i really dont think ANYONE in my life has any idea how serious this is or how much it affects me and i know i cant expect everyone to just Always Think Of My IssuesTM but little things!!! like maybe NOT having the brighest possible lightbulbs in the dining room!!!! my brother NOT having his birthday party at dave and busters, which i had TONS of spasms at last time i went (and im even worse now!) AND the staff gave me shit about wearing sunglasses so now im nervous about That too or just! idk! people respecting and listening to me when i tell them that i Cant Do Something or that Doing That Thing Hurts and not just brushing me off or telling me im overreacting and then getting all shocked pikachu face when their dumbassery actually physically HURTS me and i get pissed with them for it!!!!

i dont think anyone gets how much it scares me all the time or how its Always on my mind and i literally cant think about anything else like. this could be the rest of my life. this could end my life. i dont know what i have. i might get diagnosed in the next month and have it completely cured, i might get a diagnosis and still be sick forever, i might not find out until its too late and i have LITERALLY NO FUCKING IDEA WHICH ONE!!!! ITS GREAT!!!!!!!! WELCOME TO MY LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!

[kookie-vith-suga]

You don’t own me part 9

Excerpt:

And you. Well you didn’t move at all for a couple of minutes. Just starring after them while feeling your heartbeat slowly regulating itself again. Is this love?

Word count: 2105 // I did my bescht 💪🤓

Warnings: Kinda angst kinda fluff but surely a bit of violence

Author’s note: I feel like we are getting closer to the end…maybe two or three more parts ;) Feel free to tell me your opinion

♥♥♥ @httpwyf @vicassa @byunbunniess @i-am-a-death-dealer @jookyunhoe @byunshim @galaxy99love @holymolydrrad @imbaekhyunstrash @shesdreaminginoverdose @princess-ellaxo @baekmuffin @dont-hyuck ♥♥♥

part 1 || part 2 || part 3 || part 4 || part 5 || part 6 || part 7 || part 8

Masterlist

His hands began to move again. Just as you wished he continued the massage.

“Baekhyun”, you spoke up, “Did Chanyeol kill Junmyeon?”

Baekhyun’s face was serious. “No. But he surely will need some weeks to recover.”

That took a load off your mind. Not because of Junmyeon. But you just didn’t wanted to have another person’s death on your shoulders. How selfish we are in some ways…

“Baekhyun”, you waited till he looked at you before continuing, “This job. This life. This…Everything. How are doing all that and don’t have any remorse at the end of the day?”

His expression changed to something unreadable. Did I angered him? Some time passed without a respond so you were sure he wouldn’t answer at all.

“I mean you are so young! You should not have so much anger in you that you want to kill someone! Especially when you know that this person surely is the child of someone or maybe even a parent himself?!”, you questioned further.

“If you do something for all your life, things lose their gravity. As I said before I didn’t choose this path. It was already decided by other people and with my birth it was set.” You sucked in some air. This was the saddest thing you have ever heard.

“I’m sorry”, was the only thing you could mumble.

“Don’t be”, he smiled a little, “It is something you get used too.”

The following hush was beyond awkward. There were so many questions swirling between you two.

You gulped before finally gathering a little courage to speak again: “I guess I still yield you thanks for…you know…earlier”, you beated around the bush, “So umm…Thank you. Truely. You saved me and I owe you my life. Maybe I could make it up one day.” You showed him a shy smile. He looked at you with his dark eyes before his movements stopped and his hands fell from your shoulders to your hips. At one go he pulled you closer so you were nearly straddling him. His hands stayed on your lower back and his hug tightened.

“I’m going to protect you from now on. With all my strength. Because Y/N, I do meant what I said earlier”, his words felt heavy. You opened your mouth to respond but there weren’t any words coming out.

“You know…”, one hand loosened out of the grasp and brushed a strand of hair behind your ear, “I never confessed to anyone before.” Your heart skipped a beat at the sudden contact.

“I can’t let you go right now”, he was barely whispering. He had leaned in so his forhead was against yours. “I know up until now you have only expressed feelings towards me that are the total opposite to mine. To you I’m probably a monster or something similar. I know I should not have any hope at all. But when you smile at me like this. I-I-I can’t help myself. I get the feeling there might be a little chance for us. And as long as I still got this glimmer of hope I just cannot allow you to leave me. Because I just need a little more time to show you I’m more then my job. I can do better. For you. For us. Do you understand me?”

With your lips only inches apart of his it felt hard to think. Is this real? You nodded absently.

“I’m glad then.” He pulled back and immediately you missed the warmth. “Off to bed with you”. He laughed out loud. Gone was all the seriousness. “Or should I carry you?”, he poked you playfully. You winced and quickly got up.

“Goodnight Y/N”, you heard him before disappearing in the house.

“Goodnight Baekhyun”, you mumbled to yourself.

Baekhyun hurried towards the restaurant. He had several appointments set on this day. Never enough time to finish viewing the clients and dealers. As much as he hated to work while he knew you were home alone, he needed to. He already skipped a few days to spent with you in which he had the feeling you were opening up a little more. But he could never be sure. You were pretty much a real riddle to him.

“Ah there you are master. Everyone is already waiting for you”, Chanyeol greeted him at the entrance. 

“Therefore nothing has changed. I gotta work on keeping it like this”, Baekhyun joked to which Chanyeol flashed him a cheeky grin. Baekhyun walked past him and Chanyeol followed close behind.

“So this man is interested in buying the new HK MP7 we got from Germany. Through the background check I found out he is a very wealthy businessman from China with some filthy connections to Chinese underground fighters. He asked for you in particular because apperently Sana recommended him to you”, Chanyeol briefed Baekhyun.

“Sana? That little rascal. I thought after messing with Jongin’s daughter he would be dead meat. But maybe Jongin became softer”, Baekhyun chuckled, “I should call him any time soon. Set it on my list Chanyeol. We gotta play a round of poker soon.”

“Sure, master.” Both of them entered the private lounge at the very back.

“Good afternoon, Gentlemen. I’m sorry for keeping you waiting but I know you were in a good company here.” Baekhyun nodded towards the waitresses with way too tight uniforms for the companies guidelines to approve.

“The famous Byun Baekhyun. I’m very pleased that you could make time for me”, a black haired man had rised from his armchair. He spoke with a strong accent but just enough for Baekhyun to understand.  He was way smaller than Baekhyun why he had to look up to him. They shook hands and took place opposite to each other.

“What can I bring the gentlemens?”, a blonde waitress asked.

“Give me two of the best scotches you got, darling”, the man ordered.

“Actually I rather would not drink so early in the day. So please, only water for me”, Baekhyun winked at the waitress who started giggling and bowed before leaving.

“Oh man, how are we supposed to celebrate a sealed deal without alcohol?”, the man complained.

“There is nothing sealed yet”, Baekhyun shoot him a daring look, “But we could proceed to business now. I heard you were interested in buying some of our newest deliveries. I could make you a good price if you buy more then 50.”

“Direct and straightforward. That is how I like it. But actually that is not the only reason why I wanted to meet with you.”

Baekhyun scanned him estimating. “With what shall I help you then?”, he questioned politely.

The man glanced around before speaking with a low voice: “Your reputation precedes you. So I know you got some of the best amphetamine in town. From speed to crank everything and I need some.” Baekhyun and Chanyeol exchanged a look.

“I’m sorry Sir, but I can’t provide you any drugs. Therefor you gotta contact one of my fellow lieutenants. I’m only here to talk about firearms.”

“Don’t tell me the big boss is not interested in earning a little extra money”, the man teased.

“That is not it, I just have strict policies I stick too. So if you don’t want to talk about little souvenirs for your hard working friends in overseas, we are done here.” Baekhyun got up and straightened his suit.

“Mister Byun, we are not talking about only two or three grams. I need around 50 kilos and I rather not order a little noob of yours with such an huge amount. Especially since I already had some bad experience with a small scumbag the last time”, the man was clearly angry.

Chanyeol stepped closer so he was standing a little in front of Baekhyun. Baekhyun patted Chanyeol’s shoulder to let him know that he could move to the side. Hesitantly he did so.

“This must be a misunderstanding. I can reassure you that all my employees are overly professional and skilled at what they do”, Baekhyun explained in a calm voice.

“Tsk, professional my ass. That fucker stealed two kilos and thought I wouldn’t notice. You don’t know how much trouble that caused me”, the man yelled. His accent got stronger the angrier he became. In every other situation Baekhyun had laughed about that but he felt the tension increasing.

“I’m sure there is a clear explanation for that”, Baekhyun stressed.

“I don’t need stupid explanations! I just want back what I paid for and if you won’t give it to me I see myself forced to use more drastic measures”, the man bended down and pulled out a small gun from a holster around his leg. Loud gasps and screams were heard all around as he pointed and pulled the trigger.

A body thrown back by the force of the gun smashed against the transparent window. The shattering of glass echoed through the whole room.

You walked up and down in the corridor. You waited the whole day already for a call. You body was trembling and your nails were chewed down out of worries. As your phone rang you jumped and the phone slipped out of you hands. You picked it up quickly and answered the call.

“Chanyeol?! How is he? Did the operation went well? Is he awake?!”, you drilled him with questions.

“Please calm down first, Miss Y/N! They haven’t really operated him in the first place. It was a through-and-through wound so he just needed a few stitches. The docter said it would heal fastly and he can leave the hospital tomorrow. That they will discharge him so quickly is a good sign”, Chanyeol explained. But you were only hearing him like your ears were stuffed with wool.

“When will you two be back?!”, you yelled a little.

“Baekhyun need to rest more before he can travel again so maybe three to five days.”

“O-O-Okay. Can I talk to him?”, your voice was shaking.

“He is sleeping right now. I’m sorry. But trust me he is going to be fine. He survived way worse.”

“I see. Goodbye then and…thank you Chanyeol.” You wiped away a little escaped tear.

“No problem. Keep it bowling and the both of us will see you in a few days.”

“Yeah”, you hung up. Being calm is easier said then done.

You had curled into a ball on the sofa while dozing. This is were you slept the last days so you wouldn’t miss if they come home earlier as said. When the door clicked shut and familiar voices were heard, you were wide awake. You shot up and stumbled over the backrest of the sofa so you were close to falling. You had catched yourself in the last moment. You hurried towards the entrance hall.

Chanyeol was about to help Baekhyun out of his jacket as you entered. They turned towards you. You ran the last steps and without a word you wrapped your arms around Baekhyun’s statue. A little too stormy because he let out a silent scream in pain. Everything was forgotten though as he looked down into your teary eyes.

“I have missed you Y/N”, he showed you a small smile. You shortly looked into his eyes before burying your face in his shirt. There were no words needed. He could feel your heart beating against his chest and that was all he wanted. His not bandaged arm slung around your small figure.

After hugging him for solid five minutes Chanyeol gently carassed over your back. “Miss Y/N, master Byun still needs to rest.”

“Yeah sure”, your voice was a little husky through the silent crying so you coughed slightly. You took a couple of steps back to give Chanyeol space.

“We will go upstairs now. Goodnight Miss Y/N.”, Chanyeol said while positioning himself next to Baekhyun. Before the started walking Baekhyun’s free hand caressed over your cheek.

“You should also go to sleep. It is really late”, bended down a little so his lips touched your forehead, “Goodnight, my love.”

Your heart began to beat unbelievable fast. Chanyeol supported Baekhyun as they walked up the stairs. And you. Well you didn’t move at all for a couple of minutes. Just starring after them while feeling your heartbeat slowly regulating itself again.

Is this love?

Hehehehe I like the way it went 😋 I hope it is not too cringy 😇 Stay tuned for more and always feel free to comment ♥

[serenavonromvesen]

September 21st, 2019.

I really don’t know where else to vent but on tumblr. I have always used tumblr as an outlet for venting and I’m reaching a point where I really just need to write out how I’m feeling, without cramping my hand writing with pen and paper.

I feel really lonely as far as friends go. I have an AMAZING group of friends, but so many of them live far away. I have my tribe and I feel I will always have that, but its never the same as having lady friends, I literally have like three or four ladyfriends that I can actually hang out with in person, and only one of them is someone I didnt meet through my boyfriend first. its not that I have anything I want to share behind him, its that I always feel like on some level they’re always more his friend than mine- and at that, I didn’t choose most of them to be in my life, they were given to me. don’t get me wrong, I’m SO grateful for anyone I do have currently in my life. I just don’t have any friends who truly understand me, and especially not that are into the things that I am. I would love so much to be able to be friends with another tattoo model in my area, and ACTUALLY genuinely have a real friendship. I emphasize ‘genuinely’ because this industry is FULL of backstabbing bitches that would throw you in front of a bus to get one more step ahead of you. I just want a girl I can hang out with all the time SO bad. and the one person here who is awesome, works like ALLLLL the time. it sucks pretty bad when you only have one true friend and they end up getting way too busy for you. she’s supposed to move away anyways she said, so I guess I better get used to it now anyways. I’m just so sad of having no girls to actually hang out with. Skyping with my best friend is great, but it just isnt the same- and a lot of time I do get put aside compared to actually going to hang out with people anyways. which i dont have here.

now, I’m SUPER introverted, nervous, shy, socially awkward AND anxious, and sometimes I have a hard time making normal conversation. in fact, I am always secretly bothered by the fact that I’m PRETTY SURE i have some form of Autism, but I would never actually say that I am being diagnosed, but I am terrified to find out. I once emailed a place to ask some questions and set an appointment, but I never heard back.. that was i think last year. Anyways, I don’t want a ton of friends or anything. I dont want to hang out every day- it’s exhausting. but I still want the option to be able to call someone up in those rare days where I do feel like going outside or seeing people, to actually have fun. I used to have that in New Jersey, my group of girls that I hang with an we all really support each other. I miss them so bad. I am SO homesick for like, the last two years now. I try not to think about it if I can help it, but I miss my friends, I miss my mom.. I hate that I’m missing my baby cousins grow up, I hate that I’ve FINALLY made a connection with some of my cousins and now I’ll rarely ever see them, I hate that I can’t do body suspensions more often, I hate that I don’t get to see my brother Sean when he visits... but most of all I do HATE New Jersey and could never live there. I just wish so bad it hadn’t been like 4-5 years since I’ve seen my friends and family. it hurts. I’m so homesick for just the strong friendships I have.

I just...know its possible. I know its possible to have the small group of friends I want. I just wish girls weren’t so...mean and competitive. I just feel so lonely. I feel like I don’t have anyone to hang out with thats a female. why is everyone so far away? I’m home alone all day every day. you’d think a puppy wouldve made me feel less alone, but really I’m a thousand times more stressed than ever. I wanted to move for a fresh start, to breathe, so enjoy peace...and as soon as I got here everyones over all the time and it just reminds me how I dont have friends of my own, and how my friends dont come to visit me, and how I never get a second to myself. I finally got the chance and heres this puppy. i love him with my life but I AM SO STRESSED!!! I’m with him 10-14 hours a day by myself and then half of the time I’m still the one dealing with him at the crack of dawn, too. I never get time alone unless he sleeps and then I have to walk on eggshells to not wake him up- AND I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING WANT THIS!!! when I was forced to give up my other pupper, Hades, I said I never wanted a puppy again because IT IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. it puts me on edge and greatly disrupts my bipolar. i literally CANT handle it. I said I would get a dog no younger than 2 years old. I wanted a border coli so bad, maybe even a doberman because I still miss my old dog Max SO MUCH! I like bigger dogs and never really was a big fan of little dogs. I like a dog I can give a whole ass hug to, and feel protected by when I walk alone down a street with him. but no, Michael had to choose, he wanted a puppy, he wanted a small-type pure bred dog which means it’ll be twice as expensive twice as often with vet visits. but he wanted it. he insisted. and now, here we are, just like scooping the litter boxes for all 4 cats, its pretty much almost entirely left on me to do. for so so long I told myself “well he works and I dont really work, I’m home all day and hes not here much to have the time for it.” but you know what I realized? That when I worked full time at Starbucks, or when I worked two jobs at both the Smoke Shoppe AND Spencers, that I still put in the same amount of work as all of this- I was still expected to do all of this. at that, I am SO SICK AND TIRED of him asking me EVERY FUCKING DAY “will you mop today? will you do the laundry? will you do that dogs medicine? will you change the cat boxes?” periodically throughout every morning. like oh, I didn’t realize that I was a fucking 4 year old that needs direction on needing to do basic fucking cleaning tasks!!!!! the only reason I dont get to half that stuff most of the time is that I’m annoyed as fuck at being told what to do / treated that way, and that by the time he leaves for work theres been a whole fucking list of shit lined up that I now feel EXPECTED to do before hes home from work. it literally aggravates me SO MUCH just typing about it because im so fucking pissed off that he does this EVERYMOTHERFUCKINGDAY. it makes me feel angry and completely overwhelmed and then I just spend my entire day dreading it then rushing to do it right before he gets home from work. I just fucking hate it. like I’m fucking 25 years old, I know what the fuck to do to keep the fucking house clean, thanks.

at that, between the no friends, the fucking belittlement of being given a verbal list of chores every day, and the stress from puppy I absolutely did NOT ask for, I am feeling so depressed. I wanted a new house so I could ENJOY it, but instead any moment in my backyard is spent trying to get the puppy to stop eating random crap the people before us left- like glass, I cant enjoy how the inside looks because theres puppy training pads all over the floor which the floor is always dirty because of being in and out of the house with the puppy, or just even a moment of peace at all. like literally this defeated the whole entire purpose of wanting to move. its still a gazillion times better than the trailer, I still totally love this house, but because of my stress and loneliness level, I feel nearly just as depressed as before.

what doesnt help is lately Michael has been SO negative abut things. it’s like when I finally am enjoying myself, he comes through like a wrecking ball being negative, depressing, unsupportive, argumentative, and just plain giving off vibes that make me feel so down. He still makes me feel super happy like 98% of the time, but it is such a downer when hes being super negative about EVERYTHING. or when he gets my hopes up about things and then goes back on his word. he LOVES to tell me yes to shut me up then saying no when it becomes real, a mega part of why I haven’t gotten to visit my family in 4 years. and then he makes me feel SO bad about it. he has no problem bragging to everyone about a vacation, but when its just us suddenly its “I have to do this on my own” and “it’s expensive” like really? thanks for bragging about it for two months, waiting until we have it a month away to tell me its 100% on me to plan it, then complain about everything I tried to plan, WHILE making me feel like a complete and utter loser that I’m a failure at everything I try to do so now I don’t make any money. I literally fucking hate myself again. that’s where I’m at. I’m starting to find my body, my hair, my face- all of it repulsive. I hate how I look. I hate my hair and how my dreads are all lose, but I have to ask him for money to be able to fix my hair. he always tells me just ask and it isnt a problem but then when I do want to do things he makes me wait ages and puts it off or flat out complains- or if it all goes smoothly he throws it in my face the first fight we have. I just feel like such a fucking loser, that’s getting uglier by the day. and when I finally worked up the courage to go to the gym, its like pulling teeth to get him to go- I’ve been asking for a year and we STILL haven’t gone. I want to be a breakdancer SO BAD and I’ll never get to do that if I can’t go to the gym to work out. he tells me to just go but he doesnt understand that being a woman alone in public these days you’re at extreme risk of being raped and 10/10 multiple dudes will trying saying gross things and hitting on you/catcalling. I wish so so so so so bad I could go out for a day and have not a soul talk to me or look at me. what a dream that would be. I just cant go alone. its literally dangerous. scary.

I just feel so STUCK. I want to make money so I can contribute to the house and pay for what I need MYSELF. I never ever liked being someone who fully depends on someone like that. hell, a decade ago I refused to let anyone even get me a simple drink from a convenience store. it still feels uncomfortable to have to be like this. I want to be able to take care of myself. to know that if it was just me that I wouldnt just...be out on the streets. now I’m getting married and its a great relief that thats a less legitimate fear, but I still want to be able to take care of myself so that I could help my babe. he works SO hard for us and spends SO much money taking care of us, I just want to be able to pay my part of that and make HIS life easier, so that we BOTH can do more things that we like instead of just paying bills till the next check. I feel so useless and worthless. but everything I try to do I just fail at, or I’m too depressed and just lose the passion for it. or the will to do nearly anything. I really thought moving was going to change everything for me but... I feel nearly just as depressed. the environment change has definitely helped but, it didn’t suddenly cure my depression like I hoped for..

I just feel so alone, in like, literally everything I try to do. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. when I do think I fit in, it just turns out to be a delayed rejection. I swear I get screwed over and stabbed in the back more often than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. I’m easily forgotten and definitely easy to fuck over. I just wish people werent so hateful and selfish... all I want is to have female friends I can actually hang out with, have some help with my puppy, to talk to my fiance without him thinking I’m having an argument, to workout so I can dance, and to do something I love that makes me happy that I can make money with. I feel like I failed as a model too. I make all these plans and then.. I can never accomplish them. I often think, is it worth it really? to compete with all these girls when I dont care about competition? to be screwed over because I’m an opponent to everyone I wish I was friends with? to try and build working-relationships with photographers who seem to forget about me before I even get my pictures back? to not be paid for modeling when I spent tons of money on clothes for shoots? to not have my name out there after a year and a half? to not even be able to find a photographer that wants to shoot for publication? or be told I’m not inked enough to shoot again (the day after I got tattooed?)? I just feel like a failure. I spent over a thousand dollars on clothes for shoots, plus all traveling expenses, to have only ever profited $50 one time and then never get my edited photos back. I just feel like I’m not worth anything, that I can’t contribute or make money without making myself excessively unhappy working jobs I hate- only to be belittled there too.

I don’t even care about social media anymore. I don’t care to check instagram or post on it. why? so I can spend two hours doing makeup so I could post a selfie to write another caption telling everyone that “one day” I’ll do more? what’s the point? If only I had someone I could invite over to talk to about it :( I just feel so...unexcited by everything. like Stan in the episode about shit. I’m bored, I feel gross, I feel lonely, I’m overwhelmingly stressed, I’m growing to hate myself again, and I feel like I don’t have the positive influence I need to get better. I WANT to get better, I just need help and I don’t have anyone I feel I could reach out to that could actually help me. I just really need a friend...

[dmallpersonalblog-blog]

March 15 2019

Today was my first day of therapy. it was a nice change of events in my current headspace and a step in the right direction. For the longest time I was afraid to admit that I needed help. That maybe I really couldn't do everything alone or in private. 

After my session my first immediate response was to eat a cheeseburger, and damn do i regret that. Greasy food and all that doesn't settle with me and I had to put in double the time at the gym to burn off the calories. But, i guess thats why they call it stress eating. The gym has been a good outlet lately for my stress and anxiety and all the sadness i’ve been sitting on for so long. A thing that I do want to change in regard to that is I find myself repeating either “Dancing in the Dark” by Joji, “Crying Over You” by Honne, or “Almost (Sweet Music)” by Honne. All good songs on their own, but just have a deeper personal feeling in regards to my mental health and this overwhelming feeling of sadness or missing my ex. Something I want to try and do is just refer to her as my ex versus her name. In essence ridding myself of her name so theres no hope of getting back together. But fuck. I do miss her. 

Back onto topic for today, my first instinct after my appointment (and cheeseburger)  was to put my chair back in the car and call my closest friends. I wanted to call my friend Monica, but with everything going on lately its just so hard to dial those numbers or to see the responses she sends me. It feels like she doesn’t even care anymore. I always though that our friendship was something that transcended time or the long periods of maybe not saying anything. I felt like i’ve been there for her when she needed it, but the one mental breakdown since HS, and she’s nowhere to be found. Its ok though, I’ll always have love for her and I want her to be happy especially if she found someone she can love also. It just hurts not being able to talk to someone that you need to.  

I really wanted to call Ashley today also but I know she has work. I sent her my previous post yesterday and I felt like she didn't really read it or acknowledge it. It’s okay though. Im sure she has life and work and her own shit going on. Something I need to realize is that everyone cant be your crutch or your lifeline and people have things they need too. I wish her the best.

The talk I had with Derek today was a bit hit and miss for me. I appreciate that he listens and lets me open up to him about stuff, but when he said that he doesn’t know or think depression medication is something he believes in or wants to do kinda upsets me. It was hard for me to open up about it, for as long as I can remember its always been a sign of weakness and its very hard to open up about stuff like that. It is what it is though, because I am getting help to benefit others and not everyone. Something thats new to me. Doing stuff for myself mentally. 

The best medicine lately has been talking to my friend Jessica. Originally I just thought it would be nice to talk to someone whose been over a recent breakup lately too and we could be sad and emo together and shit. But honestly its been a lot more than that. It is nice to talk to someone that gives a shit to be frank. Someone who acknowledges what I’ve been going though, someone who just thinks i’ll instantly get better with time and recognizes the work I’ve been trying to put in to better myself. When I called her she just seemed so proud of me that I took the step to see someone and better myself. She didn't make snide comments about needing possible anti depressants. She just made me feel safe and acknowledged. The only thing I can really hope for tbh. Definitely someone I can open up to and share my journey with and when it hopefully ends one day, we can both look back and smile because we got through it together. 

In regards to my therapy. I want to be more open and honest with my therapist. It felt like she knew what I was going through and had sympathy. She made me feel like I wanted a reason to live. A reason to keep on going. She told me to go easier on myself, something that I really want to do. I want to live for myself and not for others. I don’t want to burden people. I don’t want to let people know that i’m struggling so bad that sometimes I lay in bed and think that if I jumped off a cliff everything would be ok. I hate that it takes me forever to get out of bed because this paralyzing sense of fear and embarrassment creeps in and makes you hide under the covers and make you think about all the good memories you had in the past 4 year and replaces them with the love you thought you had sucking another dudes dick or laughing at you while she gets fingered by your ex bestfriend. Depression feels like getting a dick constantly jammed into your ear. It sucks and it hurts and why the fuck would you even want a dick in your ear. I hate that we broke up and I also hate the feeling that maybe I needed it to discover more about myself and my happiness. TBH I wasn't happy the past 8 months. I was only happy when I was with her, and thats something I need to change. To be happy on my own. But, i wish i didnt see that youtube search awhile back. Or to see her moving on with someone else, that would hurt way too fucking much.

Other than talking about myself and my issues, we talked about the term co-dependent and what that means. I feel like I was so codependent on her that it was hard to do things on my own. That i wanted to spend all the moments i could and when she wasn't able to, what was I supposed to do? I loved her so much and even after 4 years I loved her as much as our first time together, or our 1 year anniversary. Or just laying in bed kissing and promising our futures together. I love deeply and passionately and I don’t want to be ashamed of that. What is so wrong about loving your partner to the fullest? Caring about their future, and their well being and how they are doing. But recently, I feel like if i were to even go back into the dating scene I couldn’t. Hook up culture scares me. Sex without love scares me. Finding your “soul mate” scares me, because I dont even know what I want yet.

My therapist said that we did spend our first 4 years of our adult lives with each other and not knowing anything else really hurts you, especially with a clean break from each other. I just hope it gets easier with time. I’m hurting and it really shows.

I need a break from social media for awhile. I need a break from my feelings for awhile also. 

In regards to my mental health though... there are still a lot of days where I don’t want to do much and I do think about just ending it all. But I know i cant do that. I dont want my parents or relatives or friends deal with that and emotionally fuck them up. But, I also want a reason for me not to end my life and want to live versus wanting others to want me to live. I just need that reason. 

Im stressed out about finding a job. I feel like if it was hard to find one in CA, it might be even harder here. Im stressed out about my living situation. I just wish they wanted me here more, or that I didn’t feel like an nuisance or a bother. 

I wish I had more friends out here to hangout with or get a drink or just do something fun. Its been lonely if im being 100% honesty. I’m so grateful for my sister though, shes been helping me out so much. I love her so much and I just hope my mental health isnt fucking with hers. She deserves the world and more. 

Im glad i’ve been writing these blog posts to empty out my emotions and all those feelings. For the first time in a long time i’m hopeful for the future. 

ALSO; i’m nervous about anti depressants. Theres such a stigma towards them and I hope i don’t become reliant on them just like I was reliant on my ex. But, deep down I know i need them to be better and feel better. 

If you’ve gotten this far thank you for reading and letting me vent out my feelings and my hopes and sadness. I hope I can be a more contributing member to society one day.