#let’s merge 2 characters who are nothing alike

[qyburnsghost]

Can you really imagine a royal, let alone a soft one(nothing wrong with it,that’s her power) like Rhaena, whose never had to cook her own meal, never had to hunt or even interested in hunting —slaughtering a sheep with a knife and dragging its dying, possibly screaming carcass to a dragon every morning?

Yea,me neither.

[artmunstudios]

What's 2 similarities & 2 differences U have noticed between Ozpin & Oscar?

Aaahh I was wondering if you were going to ask me! I’ve been seeing you around asking this question and the answers have all been interesting! So I’ll take on a response that people aren’t taking on then, yes? This will be a long post, so if anyone is interested in reading past the first analysis just click the ‘read more’!

Their Origins

Ozpin is at the core based off of two characters. One of those characters, Oscar is also connected to. There are obviously more characters and whatnot they reference, but for the sake of simplicity, I will only be addressing their clear initial inspiration. Ozpin is based off of The Wizard of Oz, also known as Professor Oz primarily in the Oz Book Series; but his full name is Oscar Zoroaster Phadrig Isaac Norman Henkle Emmannuel Ambroise Diggs, which he abbreviated to Ozpin Head. (Thank you @immortal-green-snom for this tidbit!!!) In the book series, after he had left in the air balloon in an attempt to help Dorothy get home, Professor Oz was revealed to have done a lot of slimy and heinous things to keep the throne of the Emerald City, and by extension, the Land of Oz itself. While he does get better in the latter books he reappears in, he was portrayed as being manipulative, a bit pathetic, but extremely intelligent and a master of illusions. I wouldn't be surprised if the writers of RWBY were trying to get that across in Ozpin's traits, but to be quite honest, they kinda failed at making him even a morally grey character, as a lot (not all, he isn't guitless, but again, a lot) of the arguments used in-show, and the FNDM itself, are all about things that were either not in his control, or something that was painted as being his fault/harmful, but was actually the opposite of the situation. The biggest example of this is Raven trying to trick Yang and Weiss into believing Ozpin had forced her and Qrow to become birds/have the ability to do so. In a lot of ways, Ozpin and Professor Oz are actually opposites of one another in terms of personalities, which may have in actuality been the overall intention CRWBY had, but we can only speculate. Professor Oz is extremely selfish, while Ozpin is selfless, even to a point where it actually becomes harmful to others. Professor Oz would have done anything to be in power, while Ozpin has done everything to relinquish himself of a position of power, which I find very interesting. This may be due to him even trying to somehow relinquish the burden the God of Light has placed on Oz as a whole, but is ultimately unable to give up that specific task. Even though, truthfully, he needed to relinquish that particular stronghold all along. Professor Oz is clearly a leader, and despite his negative traits, is actually a very good one. Ozpin...as much as I love him as a character, is not the greatest leader. He is, however, an excellent advisor/second-in-command. Professor Oz is only a mere mortal man pretending to be something more, while Ozpin is something bigger than a mortal man, but is pretending to be nothing but a man. Expanding upon this, they also are desperate to be the opposite of what they are. Professor Oz wants to be what he portrayed himself as, and for Ozpin, it's very much the same situation. There is a lot more I could say, but let's move on to Oscar!

Oscar Pine, like Ozpin, is based off of two characters at the core. Again, it is likely that he represents more than two, but for the sake of simplicity, let's discuss only the two. From the moment I saw Oscar, I knew right away that he was based off of my favorite character from the Oz Book Series...Tip. Tip, short for Tippetarius, was too a farmboy who longed for much more, who knew that there was more out there, despite being notably content in their lifestyle. The only difference was that Tip was a slave to an evil witch, but he escapes her in the second chapter with a companion. He is described as being just like any boy; rugged, mischievous, playful, and a lover of all things fun while still being quite shrewd. Unlike Ozpin and Professor Oz, Tip and Oscar are, in fact, extremely alike. Even down to their colors and appearance. Despite how Tip is colored, he actually has light brown skin (though considering the time period, we all know why this fact was dismissed), and black hair. And his treasured beanie cap was green and orange. His clothes also had a primary color scheme of brown, and were dirty due to the work he had done on the farm. Oscar and Tip have the exact same personalities, which was what affirmed to me that Oscar was meant to be his primary parallel. What got me the most was their sarcasm. Tip is still the most sarcastic and genuinely street-smart protagonists in the Oz Books. Not to say there were no other protags like that, but there was something to be said about how Tip was one of the few protagonists to actually act as a leader in the traveling group. Just like Oscar, Tip is also quite emotional, and they both have a sharp temper that they express not in loud outbursts, but by quips that you know could be quite hurtful if they wanted them to be. However, between the two, Tip is the loudest, should you put them in the same room. However, I suspect that as time goes on, Oscar might start becoming quite vocal when he doesn't like something, as I've noticed that the more he develops, the more he acts like Tip. Their behaviors are similar as well; when something personal is going on between two parties who clearly knew each other before him, both Oscar and Tip have a tendency to hang back and simply let the moment play out. They both start out as being sort of bystanders, just going with the flow while occassionally giving very good advice/strategies, but they start to become more of a leader as time goes on. In fact, leadership seems to be in their blood. There is actually a reason for this.

Ozma of Oz

There is a single thread that connects both Oscar and Ozpin, and that is the second primary character they represent. That character is the infamous Princess/Queen Ozma of Oz. Ozma, in many ways, is a lot like both Ozpin and Oscar; and may be the kind of person they become once the merging is complete. She is shrewd, but gentle. Sarcastic and blunt, but very elegant and fun-loving. They have a particular grace in how they handle their politics, but she admittedly gets into more trouble than rulers of kingdoms should. She is, ultimately, the perfect archetype of a ruler. And had completely reformed The Emerald City to be an environment that is very much like Vale's open-mindedness, with the advanced technology and efficiency of Atlas. Ozma, in the books, was actually revealed to be Tip; or rather, Tip was Ozma. After being transformed into a boy as a baby by a witch under Professor Oz's command, they were whisked away by said witch, and had been working under that witch until they had escaped as a young boy. Many speculate that Ozma was meant to represent the transgender community, and I know many transgenders see Ozma as an icon. Frank Baum was the type of guy that wrote things that were ahead of his time, and seen as very controversial by the few who could actually read the metaphors planned out. It was even implied in the later books that Ozma and Dorothy get married, and there were many illustrations made from the original novel illustrators of Ozma and Dorothy looking like a couple. What's even greater is that despite the change of gender from Tip to Ozma, she still very much contains her boyish traits despite the frills and queenly garb. As stated in one of the last lines in the second Oz Book;

"I hope none of you will care for me less than you did before. I am still the same Tip you know..."

When I realized Oscar was Tip, I knew Ozma was going to be put into the equation. I just,,,, wasn't expecting..... t h a t.

Oscar and Ozpin

Time to actually answer the question I was asked JSDJFDKDFKFK--

Oscar and Ozpin are different in one particular way: Trust. Ozpin trusts nobody. Truthfully, he doesn't even trust himself, I don't think, and that is likely why he didn't have much of a plan these days. He doesn't trust himself to be competent enough to complete the task assigned to him, he doesn't trust humanity to pass, hell, I don't think he even trusts the Gods to be capable of taking care of humanity considering the shit job they did in the past, and how poorly they have handled Ozma and Salem. In simple terms, Ozpin trusts too little. Oscar, on the other hand, trusts...a little too much. There, I said it. And I'm willing to say it again. Oscar trusts too much. Whether or not that will change after the end of V7 and what happened in V8 is left for debate. Oscar seems almost incapable of seeing the downside in some situations, like, for example, confronting a General who has completely gone off the deep end, unarmed and alone. And he trusted a man who needlessly beat the shit out of him for something that nobody, not even Salem, were truly at fault for. And while that trust paid off, unlike how it did in the past, it is a bit of an alarming trait that I genuinely think will simmer down either after all that happened in V8, or it will eventually when that trust truly bites him in the ass.

Another polarization between Oscar and Ozpin: faith. This ties in a little bit with the trust theme, but there is enough to talk about on its own. While Ozpin does believe that humanity is overall good, I think he has lost faith in their capability to work together long enough for there to be any sort of permanent peace. And, admittedly, he isn't wrong to think that. I think you would have to be very foolish if you genuinely think there will ever be a point where humanity will stop fighting amongst themselves; in other words, Ozpin is fully aware that the God of Light's task is genuinely impossible. And honestly? I think the GoL knows it is, too. Oscar has faith as well, but he views the dire circumstance in a different way that may be the key to solve the seemingly unending puzzle of Salem and their task. He gets faith in humanity not through the overall picture, but in the smallest things. Oscar likely believes that it doesn't matter if all of humanity is united, because he too knows that will never happen. But, he is certain that there is a lot more power in the smallest of unions and actions; a racist woman reforming and helping to comfort a faunaus child. A woman who helped a group of people tear down a kingdom realize the fault of their actions, and try to save another kingdom's people. A man who, while being genuinely wise, was so blinded by rage that he could not see past his own nose, change in order to save what little good has sprouted from something so terrible that he helped sow. The little things matter so much more, and unlike Ozpin, he doesn't think that they need to grow any further than that.

So, what makes them similar? Two distinct things. They both are very personal. Even if it is in different forms of expressing, Oscar and Ozpin are quite personal, especially when it comes to their advice. But they also really feel for the person they are talking to. And while Ozpin felt Hazel was too far gone, he felt for him and understood and even agreed with his anger. Their empathy is truly something else; and it is also their weakest point. Not to say that having empathy is bad, but their empathy leads into another trait that they have in common... They let people walk all over them. All. The. Time. To a point where it is actually very frustrating, and it even hinders their development as characters. Ozpin let Ironwood walk all over him, and never spoke in defense for himself. Ozpin let the council walk all over him, and never defended himself. Ozpin allowed for so much of the blame to be placed on his own shoulders, that it is extremely unhealthy, and something I wish the show would address, but have come to accept that it won't. Especially when this trait is reflected in Oscar as well. He blamed himself for failing to convince Ironwood, he allowed for Jaune to verbally and physically attack him, and outright refused to let Jaune apologize. They both brush off their wellbeing so often, that watching Oscar do the same only confirms to me the suspicions I had as to why everyone was genuinely so blind to figure out what was going on in their heads and when they were struggling. Because both Oscar and Ozpin refuse to acknowledge their own struggles and shortcomings.

But, to be frank, that is more of a writing issue than a character reflection, in my personal opinion. And I'll continue to see it that way until the show actively acknowledges that unhealthy behavior.

There ya go! My very very long analysis of Oscar and Ozpin; I hope I brought something unique among the batch of this question!

[hcs-on-the-loose]

Pillars and upper moons swap roles au?? I wonder what will they be like >:D

Pillar / Upper Moon Roleswap AU??? I GOTCHU DUDE

I only have a 5 character limit though so I picked out 2 Pillars and 2 Upper Moons! ENJOY THE FEAST

Yeet im dumb i forgot to put down uh possible spoilers aye

-

The Pillars

Shinobu Kocho - Upper Moon 4

Known as the Lady Butterfly, mistress of poison, she who had slaughtered Slayer after Slayer in single strokes. Some say the last thing you hear is a woman’s soft laugh and the flutter of butterfly wings.

Possesses a body that looks like an amalgamation of a human and a variety of deadly insects, particularly butterflies.

Her skin is deathly pale, transparent to the point where you could see her organs. Her limbs and back billow with purple monarch wings, though the rest of her is scattered with toxic spines. And hen she opens her mouth centipede’s mandibles scuttle from it, and her eyes are the compound eyes of a butterfly, bright violet and all-seeing with the number 4 carved into every facet. When she speaks, there is a chorus of wasps in every breath.

Instead of poison, the demon Shinobu being organically an insect as well now uses natural venoms.

Her Blood Demon Art is based on Shinobu manipulating her blood and turning it into various types of venom, each mix deadlier than the last. Unlike her Pillar self, who was limited to whatever poison she had in her sword sheath, her demonic self has virtually no limit on what she can create.

Her most powerful blood technique is known as the Hundred-Thousand Sting; she deploys her worst venoms with her own unaltered blood in the form of an extremely corrosive mist that once you breathe in, you’re a goner. If it touches you, it will seep in, and you’re a goner. If you’re so much in the range of the fog, you’re still a goner.

While outstripped in strength by Gyomei, Sanemi, and Muichiro– Shinobu still proves herself an exceedingly deadly opponent through speed and intellect.

Her personality as a demon is a mangled representation of her traits as a human; while seemingly calm and sweet, Shinobu holds the exact same demeanor while brutally killing others. But she is also notoriously quick to anger, sending her into furious fits as she attempts to reign it in. Make no mistake though, she is still wickedly clever.

As a human, she’d been cared for by her demonic older sister Kanae after their parents were killed and her sister forcefully transformed into a demon by Upper Moon 1 Gyomei Himejima.

Kanae had managed to resist the hunger for human flesh to be able to care for her sister– mercifully spared by Gyomei as she reminded him of a child from his human past.

Shinobu had desperately wanted to become a demon just like Kanae so that they could truly live together, though Kanae always rebuffed her– until the arrival of the Pillar.

The Snow Pillar, Doma. He had battled Kanae under the accusation that she had killed their family and paid no heed as he beheaded her in front of her terrified human sister. Maddened with grief, Shinobu drank her sister’s blood, vowing vengeance on the Snow Pillar.

It was Upper Moon 1 who found her, having been originally sent to recruit Kanae into the Moons. Seeing that Shinobu was far more bloodthirsty and willing to kill, he took her in instead.

Up until now, Shinobu hunts for Doma, and takes special care to kill any Slayer with ice or snow-related techniques slowly. A refinement of her most agonizing of venoms just for him.

Mitsuri Kanroji - Upper Moon 6

This one is insane.

She is Love, she is made of Love, and she will Love and Love and Love and she will take their Love as well until there is nothing left to Love.

It is said that Mitsuri is the kindest Demon Moon, taking her prey with the greatest expressions of Love that they could ever receive. But do they, really? When Mitsuri loves them with everything she has– from her horrific strength to her blood to her insatiable appetite?

Mitsuri is fond of shapeshifting, though her true form is… that of a normal human girl, albeit with pink skin, white eyes and a fanged mouth. She even keeps the unusual hair she had detested her whole human life. Did you think this embodiment of unquenchable desire would be a little racier?

When Mitsuri kills and devours, she does so in every way of loving that she can. She will embrace you until your spine gives way, she will kiss you until your lungs collapse and your lips are torn to shreds, she will lie with you until all is spent and blood seeps from every part of you.

It upsets Mitsuri so that her Love isn’t returned adequately. But she is a forgiving demon– so she will continue to express this devotion to every being until it is returned in full. Not even other demons are exempt.

The number 6 is written in careful script over the pale surface of her eyes. It is watermelon green and pretty and the last thing most of her prey see.

Her Pillar self believes in love, sweet and gentle and ultimately ephemeral. Demonic Mitsuri believes in giving and taking until there is desire to love anymore.

It was what was promised to her, when Muzan fed her his blood from the palm of his hand. She had been rejected for her hair, her strength, her need to love and be loved.

He had found her, cast out and alone, just one cruel husband after another. Muzan promised her that demonhood would let her love for all eternity, that in his world she would never be rejected. Mitsuri agreed. Can you blame her?

As an Upper Moon, her already prodigious strength has made her nigh on par with Sanemi and even Gyomei. Her flexible body surpasses superhuman limitations and weapons simply sink harmlessly as she softens her body to the blows.

Her Blood Demon Art, however, is not focused on her physical ability. If it were, she would have been placed lower on the rungs of the 9 Upper Moons. No; her blood is one that makes the mind bend and dance to her will. Love and aphrodisiacs. One whiff, one taste, and it’s all over. There is only love.

The pinnacle of this technique is her Eternal Ecstasy, where wounding her is suicide in itself if she does not cut her own flesh open first. Her blood becomes incredibly potent and drives men and women alike to madness in their desire to be loved by her– they will kill each other and let themselves be killed by Mitsuri if the initial violence doesn’t get rid of them initially. Her blood is the Marechi equivalent for humanity but is surprisingly more dulled towards other demons.

Await her battle with Hantengu. He thinks himself incapable of love, his Pillar’s skill and impeccable focus. He believes nothing will sway him, not even the rumored supernatural charm of Upper Moon 6. He secretly prays that it is enough when he draws his blade against her in the Swordsmiths’ Village.

—————–

The Upper Moons

Akaza (Hakuji) - The Destruction Pillar

For a Pillar, Akaza– Hakuji is a name he leaves at home for his wife– is unusual even for them.

While the Pillars carry weapons made of nichirin, ranging from blades to blunt force to guns, Akaza fights with his bare fists. It is the only sort of fighting that Akaza has known his whole life and he won’t stop now– not even as his fellow Pillars look to him in concern.

It doesn’t matter. Akaza’s happiest when he’s beheading demons with his own hands. He has gloves especially made for this, made from flexible nichirin, knuckles topped with the sun steel. Even his knees are capped in nichirin.

His breathing style? Some call Akaza a genius, some call him crazy. Either way, he had merged his adoptive father’s Soryu Style martial arts with breathing, creating the Destructive Kill Style. Before he had begun training in breathing, he had depended solely on his own natural strength, and this discovery of the Slayers’ method of combating the demons had raised Akaza’s power to almost how he had been as his demon self.

Hence, he is called the Destruction Pillar. It is an ominous title that, coupled with his roughened features and muscled frame, has even hardened Slayers steering clear of his path. His wife Koyuki knows better though, knowing him as grumpy Hakuji who had a soft heart under all the grit.

In the heat of battle Akaza is an unforgiving beast, relentless in his pursuit and merciless in his killing. At home, he is Hakuji; gruff and quiet but gentle in his selflessness, especially towards his dear Koyuki. Often you can find the Destruction Pillar walking beside his wife in the gardens, feeding ducks and sitting amongst the flowers.

While not tattooed with the criminals’ marks, shortly after becoming a Slayer Akaza had himself inked with a single bar for every ten demons slain. So far he has almost reached the amount of tattoos he has on his demon self.

His story remains nearly the same– but when Keizo told him that he was to inherit the dojo and marry Koyuki, it was not poison that came for them. When Akaza ran to his father’s grave, the two assassins by the well were beset upon by another; a particularly strong demon, a real one, killing then devouring the two before setting its sights on the father and daughter inside.

Keizo could fight, and he fought better than Akaza did when he first met him. He held off the demon just long enough for Akaza to rush to their rescue– only for fate to recall that Keizo had grown old, and he was never as blessed with endurance and strength as Akaza had been. The demon dealt a fatal injury, and Keizo fell.

In another world, Akaza’s hands were bloody with the scum of humanity. In this one, enraged he lunged at the demon and shoved both his hands into its chest. He obliterated its organs and yet… it was Akaza’s first demon, and this demon merely regenerated and laughed into Akaza’s face. In another world the blood had come from sixty-seven men. This time it was blood from the demon that he had killed sixty-seven times through the night. A demon could only be killed through nichirin or the sun itself; when Akaza tore its head off at his final attempt, the demon’s body simply gave.

Akaza collapsed out of exhaustion, and slept for three days. With Keizo dead and her fiance unconscious, Koyuki was in shock and was immediately wracked by a fit of weakness. It was only through the sudden intervention of the Moon Pillar that the couple were tended to; it had originally been Kokushibo who was supposed to slay the demon in their town and upon hearing that Akaza was fighting some unkillable enemy, sought a meeting with him.

It was Kokushibo and a worried Koyuki Akaza awakened to. After confirming that Koyuki was unharmed, Kokushibo then expressed admiration for Akaza’s fighting skill and offered him membership into the Demon Slaying Corps. Initially both Akaza and Koyuki refused. Why would they endanger themselves further with this talk of demon-slaying? But as Akaza thought of Keizo, who had died protecting Koyuki and with faith that his adoptive son would save her, he eventually agreed.

When Akaza rejected having a blade or weapon of any kind forged, Slayers shook their heads and muttered that Akaza would die. There was no Slayer in existence who had gone against Muzan’s spawn with their bare hands. But as they witnessed Akaza wrench off the head of a Lower Moon demon without the use of any weapon aside from his gloved hands, the whispers ceased altogether.

This time it is Akaza who is assigned to investigate the Infinity Train. Before every mission, he prays at the graves of Keizo and his father, kisses his wife goodbye. For some reason he prays a little harder, holds Koyuki a little longer– lately his dreams have been plagued with fire…

Doma - The Snow Pillar

This’ll be one of the only times I’ll not clown on Doma. Treasure it lmao.

Emotionless, capricious, and a known glutton for pretty women, Doma is an excellent Pillar and is frighteningly effective at killing demons. His being a moral citizen though is… highly contested.

As a Pillar, Doma lacks the cult he had as an Upper Moon, but he does have a loyal following of admirers from his pre-Slayer who believe him a sort of demigod for his pale hair and lovely rainbow-hued eyes. His charming personality and pretty face only serve to buoy his reputation amongst the populace as well– much to the chagrin of some of his Pillar colleagues.

Instead of a sword, Doma makes use of his fans; both are made of nichirin steel and hued gold in Doma’s hands. Despite their ornamented surface, they are razor sharp and can function just as well as twin short swords.

His is a pretty, almost gentle breath style; Breath of Snow is more a delicate dance in appearance than something meant for combat. And much like Doma, it is a death sentence to mistake beauty for the lack of deadliness– the Breath of Snow utilizes misdirection and inhumanly fast and precise attacks meant to cripple an opponent before the killing blow is dealt, with these strikes resembling the howling gales of blizzards.

More often than not Doma toys curiously with the demons he hunts, tossing them around with the nigh-invincible evasive ability of his breath before executing them, all in an effort to feel emotions. If the pleasures of human life could not elicit these so-called feelings his fellows had always talked about, then how about violence?

Pretty girls, pretty women; it’s not a real feeling that blooms in Doma’s chest (it’s hollow, Akaza hisses, hollow and cold as shit) but he enjoys them. Enjoys the rapturous expressions on their faces, from pleasure to fear to pain to happiness to despair– he puts his hands on their faces and smiles his best. The beatific one, the one that makes his eyes crinkle at the sides.

After his parents died, his father by his mother and his mother by himself, Doma continued to handle the cult, raised by devoted followers. He grew up the smiling, soulless leader of people he believed as foolish for putting such blind faith in him. It was only after the demon attack that the emotionless monotony of his life was shattered; wishing to devour the rainbow-eyed god the people whispered about, the demon disguised itself as a beautiful woman, hinging on Doma’s well-known desire for ladies. As soon as the demon was in Doma’s presence, it slaughtered all of his attendants and then announced its intention to feast on the leader.

More bemused than terrified, Doma was about to let the demon kill and eat him if only out of a detached curiosity. However, in its haste to eat Doma, the demon accidentally ripped open a curtain– letting sunlight spill into the room. Before Doma’s blessed eyes the demon burned to ashes.

Further curiosity led Doma to seek out the truth behind the sun and the thing that almost killed him. It eventually placed him on the path to the Demon Slayers, and his own desire to encounter the demons again brought him to his training, becoming a Slayer and eventually a Pillar. Discovering that killing demons gave him a semblance of feeling alongside his being with women, Doma strived to find the one kill that would give him a true rush.

This came in the form of a lonely flower-demon, whom the Slayers spoke of only in hushed whispers. Rumors of a demon who had killed her entire family and now atoned in some twisted way by caring for some child, a demon who only killed now to protect its pet. Needless to say that Doma was interested; a flower demon? Why, she’d have to be a very pretty demon indeed.

Kanae was a name Doma learned only after a long, fierce battle through the night. He had known the demon had caught his scent, and was already attempting to hide that human child she kept with her. Well, it wouldn’t do at all! It wasn’t difficult; the demon had no idea on how to fight properly whatsoever, and every flick of his fans and an intake of breath only weakened the demon further and further. It hadn’t taken long for him to bring the demon to her knees, and it was only as he had sent her head rolling into the snow that he heard a name being screamed into the wind.

It was nigh euphoric. The expression on Kanae’s face before he had taken her head was utterly sublime in its rage and grief and resignation, and Doma had felt a soaring glee at this particular hunt. It was a feeling, one that swelled to crescendos and made his blood run hot. The sun rose quickly and Doma left, satisfied. What a feeling to be alive.

Now the name of Kanae rings in Doma’s ears once again as news of Upper Moons circulate through the ranks. A demon borne through the blood of Upper Moon One at the same place where he had left Kanae to burn in the sun, a demon that demands his name with every kill and a demon that butchers any Slayer that dared wield breaths in vein to his. Doma only hums at the talk; another hunt to remember, then.

[themattress]

The Butterfly Effect of Xion

So the Vince Vaughn movie Fred Claus has been on TV, and I have to paraphrase:

“I don’t hate you, Xion. I just wish you were never born.”

(XION FANS, DO NOT ENGAGE)

Dwelling on it recently, I came to realize just how damaging the existence of Xion has been on the Kingdom Hearts series. There were issues with her in her debut game of 358/2 Days, true, but they pale in comparison to what ended up happening in the games afterward. Xion’s existence created a Butterfly Effect, where five major problems that wrecked the series might not have occurred if the precedent hadn’t been set by Nomura and Kanemaki with Xion. 

1. So, Xion is a replica. She was meant to be a replica of Sora, but because the memories she absorbed from Roxas (because that’s a thing now) were Sora’s strongest memories, those of Kairi, she became a girl who resembled Kairi. Except when she isn’t and looks different depending on who is viewing her. This didn’t only over-complicate the replica concept in Days, but it set the precedent going forward that replicas could be used for anything the plot demands and ended up as the go-to method to bring previously dead or disembodied characters back (that and time travel). Back in CoM, the Riku Replica was just a clone of Riku, the idea was simple to grasp. Now replicas aren’t even really replicas at all. 

2. Let me point this out again: Sora’s fractured memories somehow escaped him and that’s never explained how this is possible. They go into Roxas and then “leak” out of him and into Xion, which is what gives her an identity. And Namine’s power over the memories of Sora and those aligned with him are now increased so that she can view memories currently being made by Roxas and Xion from a far away distance. This convoluted usage of the concept of memory only gets worse in Coded and 3D, and it’s unclear who remembers what anymore. Much like replicas, memories are now being used to make any ludicrous plot turn happen, and this especially damages Namine’s character given that she has power over memories.

3. So because Xion’s identity is composed of memories that need to go back inside of Sora, she ceases to exist after dying. Let me repeat: Xion ceases to exist. This is what is said by Namine, who is a pretty reliable source given how overpowered she’d become at this point: 

If you return your memories to him, you'll disappear. And since everything about you was built on those memories...no one will remember you when you're gone. There won't be any "you" to remember. I can't save you, Xion - even a memory of you.

Except that this totally becomes a lie in Coded, making it so that what Namine should have said was “Don’t worry, Xion - I can totes save a memory you inside of data placed within Jiminy’s Journal, and everyone will begin remembering you again in a few months’ time until finally you can come back to life and exist independently of Sora. There’s no stakes here!” 

And this begins one of the most damning trends in the series: previous canon is discarded on a whim in order to bring back characters who definitively reached a conclusion in order to give them an ideal ‘happily ever after’ ending as fanservice for everyone who likes them. Roxas, Namine, Xion, Axel, all the other Organization members, Ansem the Wise, Eraqus, even the goddamn Riku Replica...the dramatic power of their endings is completely undone against all internal logic and good storytelling sensibilities. And it all started with Xion, who even after ceasing to exist (making her deader than dead), still managed to give belated telepathic messages to Riku and Roxas the day afterward, leaving a door for revival open.

(Side-note: Nomura actually said in the BBS Ultimania interview that “there is no concept of death in the KH universe”. Really, now? Tell that to Hades, the lord of the dead. Or the numerous Disney villains who have died. Or good guys like Mufasa, Tadashi, or Bambi’s mother! Hell, even your own OC characters have acknowledged the reality of death: Xehanort’s entire impetus behind possessing Terra is because he was afraid of dying from old age before he could see his plan through to fruition! Nomura, you are an absolute hack.)

4. So, Xion is a Kairi look-alike who can wield a Keyblade. Chronologically speaking, she wielded a Keyblade before Kairi did, even though the game where Kairi did was released first. You have her in your party throughout Days, can play as her in Mission Mode, and then in KH3 she flat-out replaces Kairi in the party during the battle with Saix. Kairi, meanwhile, has never been playable, and had exactly 1 minute of time in the party before being taken out of it and replaced by Xion. Then she gets killed by Xehanort and is unable to take part in the big climax, but Xion does. And during all of this, Kairi is phased out of the trio between her, Sora and Riku, all while Xion is a retcon to the KH2-established duo of Axel and Roxas.

If Xion didn’t already feel like a self-insert Mary Sue from a fanfic before, she certainly does now. Kairi actually had narrative build-up and anticipation for years at becoming either a playable character or a full-fledged party member, and either way being an all-around capable Keyblade wielder who could fight alongside her friends Sora and Riku. But instead, this black-haired copycat of her who was created after the game where Kairi was given a Keyblade and was then said to be deader than it was possible to be gets all the glory.  

Just look at the cover of KH3. Kairi sticks out like a sore thumb because she remains the only one with alleged combat capabilities who has never ever been playable across the entire series’ existence, and whose time as a party member is pathetic compared to everyone else. Perhaps if we didn’t have Xion, who got 30 more votes than Kairi on an official popularity poll, the game developers would have felt more of a drive to develop Kairi and make her a competent combatant. But I say perhaps because Nomura would be a sexist pig either way.

5. Lastly, let’s talk about the “Seasalt Trio” that became a thing thanks to Xion. In KH2, the narrative was that Roxas and Axel had been friends, with Roxas having something of a heart and Axel actually being able to feel emotions due to forging a close relationship with him. But Roxas left the Organization to find out the truth about himself, disillusioned by Axel’s lies and possessiveness of him. Ultimately, when it came down to truly helping Roxas or just helping himself, Axel chose himself and tried to kill Roxas. When this failed and Roxas merged with Sora, Axel became consumed by guilt and tried to get Roxas back until he finally realized that his selfishness was the problem and reached true atonement to Roxas through sacrificing his life for Sora. And for his part, Roxas learned to be at peace with an existence as part of Sora, as he felt more emotionally fulfilled than he did as a Nobody and could still be with Namine.

While Days mostly stuck to the narrative in regards to Axel, the addition of Xion complicated things so that Axel was made to be viewed more sympathetic than he really should be. The connection Roxas had with Xion, meanwhile, totally eclipsed the one he had with Namine in KH2, to the point where all of Namine’s helpful actions toward Roxas are retconned into her subconsciously keeping a promise she made to Xion to look after him. And the idealistic friendship between the three of them, where they enjoy working together in the Organization and having ice cream together atop Twilight Town’s clock tower guaranteed that many players would no longer accept Roxas’ fate in KH2 as a happy ending for him. After all, if he was perfectly comfortable as his own physical existence and had good friends he enjoyed eating ice cream with all the time, then nothing less than that seems like it could make him happy.

And ultimately, not even the narrative around Axel was to last. In Days, he says to Xion that she and Roxas can “keep on running, but I’ll always be there to bring you back!” In context, this was a selfish, possessive threat. It was Axel saying “Screw what you two want or need! I want and need you at my side in the Organization and I’ll drag you back there against your will no matter how many times you try to escape!” But once Axel is revived as Lea in 3D, the narrative pretends that wasn’t the case and now insists that it’s a noble pledge, a promise to “always bring his friends back” when they disappear, and that it’s legitimately what they want him to do. An interesting, morally gray character was totally whitewashed so that he deserves the ideal happy ending that he receives. All from something he said to Xion.

So yeah, this is what holds me back from being a big Xion fan, and while I hold no personal animosity toward her, I deeply wish she had never been introduced into the series at all.

I wish she was conceived exclusively for Shiro Amano’s manga instead!

[helenarlett-rex]

Goosebumps Review #8

*Grumbles* I guess it’s time for another review. Do I really have to? *Sighs* Okay fine… Moving on with reading all the Goosebumps I never got the chance to read as a kid…

(Spoilers)

Creature Teacher: The Final Exam

Goosebumps Most Wanted #6

Dear god this book sucked. And it’s a real shame because I really loved the original Creature Teacher. But what is the most mind boggling is that this is more or less the exact same story as the first book. It just copied the plot from the first book almost to the letter, and yet despite being the same story, this time it sucked instead of being awesome. So how do you manage to retell the same story but make it bad this time around? Well let’s go through all the problems in the order they appear and I’ll show you.

The first problem is our protagonist, Tommy. He’s bland. There’s not a single thing interesting about him. He has no personality. He doesn’t have any defining characteristics. This kid is just a total blank slate who is uninteresting to read about. Back in the first book, Paul Perez was the class clown. He was always joking to the point where it finally got him in so much trouble that his parents sent him away to boarding school. And even when things got bad he still kept it up because joking about his misfortune was the only way he could deal with it. He had a personality and he was fun to read about. Tommy doesn’t have that. In fact, his parents and sister show more personality in the 2 short chapters they are in than Tommy does the entire book.

And that’s also a problem, because Tommy’s family is the worst family ever. There are a lot of really aggravating characters in this book, but his family are some of the worst. They are all super overachievers who only care about winning and feel the need to compete over everything. And I mean everything. This kid’s parents can’t even sit down to eat breakfast without being like, “I ate the biggest breakfast!” “Oh yeah, well I ate my breakfast the fastest!” They are grown adults acting like annoying five year olds who feel the constant need to show off and be better than everyone else at everything even when it’s things that just don’t matter. Tommy’s sister is the same way and their parents encourage it while shunning Tommy for not acting like a petulant five year old. If this book had ended with Tommy getting a gun and blowing his family’s brains out it would have made for a more enjoyable ending and no one who read it would have been able to say he wasn’t justified in his actions.

Just trying to get through the first 2 chapters of this book was painful and a little hard to do because Tommy’s family aggravated and sickened me that much. But as bad as that was, how else do you take a story as good as Creature Teacher and make it not good? By changing the setting and pretty much merging it with one of the worst Goosebumps ever written. Yeah, the title of this book should have been “Mrs. Maaargh Goes To Camp Jellyjam”.

Okay it doesn’t actually take place at Camp Jellyjam. It takes place at a summer camp called Winner Island. But it may as well be King Jellyjam’s Sports Camp. Winner Island is a summer camp dedicated to making your kids into winners. It’s a sports camp where everyone is totally obsessed with winning all the time and not winning is shunned. (Which is why Tommy’s parents forced him to go there.) Sound familiar? It’s the exact model of Camp Jellyjam. The ideology of this camp is so disgusting to me it would have been hard to read even if I hadn’t already read The Horror at Camp Jellyjam and hated it. There is one part where Uncle Felix, the guy who runs the camp, actually tells Tommy, “Helping others is for losers. A winner doesn’t care about others. A winner takes what he wants for himself.” So now we get to add Uncle Felix and the rest of the camp counselors to the list of highly aggravating characters who need to be shot in the head.

The only improvement Winner Island has over King Jellyjam’s Sports Camp is the fact that the kids all at least have a reason to be so obsessed with winning this time. Because Mrs. Maaargh is one of the camp counselors and whoever is the biggest loser at the end of camp gets eaten.

The setting in the original book was perfect. Having Mrs. Maaargh as the headmistress of her own boarding school out in the middle of nowhere worked. She was able to set the school up like a prison where the kids weren’t able to get out or have contact with the outside world. She was the one in charge of the school so she had final say on how things were set up and how things were run. On top of that she was very clever on how she did things. Only the kids in the school knew she was a monster. The other teachers and staff were kept in the dark about this. Mrs. Maaargh could just say, “I have a medical condition. I’m very sensitive about it but the kids all make fun of me because of it.” Then any kid who tried to tell any adult that she was a monster was scolded for being insensitive. She even worked out a plan where once she had picked out which kid she was going to eat she started contacting his parents and telling them that he as acting up and having problems at school. So when she finally ate him no one would question the story if she told the police that he ran away into the woods surrounding the school.

But with this new setting nothing works. Winner Island may be an actual island where the kids are cut off from the outside world, but she isn’t the one in charge now. Uncle Felix is. That means he had to actually go out of his way to get this camp set up to imprison kids for the express purpose of letting a monster toy with and eat them. And he is doing just that. Mrs. Maaargh isn’t hiding the fact that she is a monster from anyone this time. Uncle Felix and all the camp counselors know she is a monster. They know she will eat one kid at the end of camp. And they are actively helping her and making sure the kids can’t get away. And they have apparently been doing it for years. Other than their warped mentality of what a winner is, the book never gives us any explanation as to why they are working with and helping this monster.

Nor is there ever any explanation given as to how they cover it up when every year one kid doesn’t come home from camp. In the first book they showed us how Mrs. Maaargh was a master at manipulating people and how she handled that, but this time they just don’t seem to worry about it. So I have to wonder how this camp hasn’t become the focus of a full blown police investigation and been shut down yet. One kid goes missing at this camp every year? The FBI would be all over that place. And they would be sure to notice that the whole island was wired with the surveillance cameras Uncle Felix uses to make sure none of the kids escape and demand to have those tapes handed over. And between Mrs. Maaargh constantly bragging to the kids about how she is going to eat one of them, and the camp counselors forcing the kids to play dangerous games like Dodge The Javelin, 90% of the footage would have to be edited out before handing it over and that would just tip off any investigation even more.

Changing the setting from “The Caring Academy” to a summer camp was one of the worst decisions R.L. Stine could have made with this book. Not just that, but it doesn’t even fit! The book is called Creature Teacher, not Creature Camp Counselor…

But I’m ranting too much about this one aspect. Let’s move on to the next problem with this book. The first book created a psychological aspect of horror. Mrs. Maaargh manipulated and toyed with these kids. They were always trying to please her but no one ever knew if whatever they were working on would make her happy or not. It was all up to her whims. Any given project could be just a likely to put them at the bottom of the chart as it could the top of the chart. This created an atmosphere of paranoia that became the true horror of the book. That’s gone in this book. With the sports camp setting it’s all a matter of how you preform in events. There is no aspect of uncertainty. You either win and she approves, or you don’t win and she doesn’t approve. Even Mrs. Maaargh’s son is gone. In the first book her son was always lurking around, spying on the characters, adding even more to the paranoia as you were never quite sure what he was up to… if he was trying to help them or trying to hinder them? But he’s been cut out of this book entirely. Stine took the scariest aspect of the first book and just removed it.

I’m not going to even bother going into any detail about what happens in the story because as I said it was just a retelling of the first book. So if you already read that one you already know what happens in this one. It’s like he just went down a check list checking off all the plot points from the original. Protagonist is enrolled late, putting him far behind all the other kids? Check. He makes two friends, a boy and a girl, who are both secretly sabotaging him to make sure they stay above him on the food chain? Check. He tries to escape but his escape is cut short because of bad weather? Check. The story was interesting in the first book but now we’ve already seen it done before so it just becomes boring.

Even the twist ending is so underwhelming it’s sad. After Tommy defeats Mrs. Maaargh with a Chekhov’s gun we saw coming a mile away, the whole camp decides to spend the last few days of camp celebrating. Campers and camp counselors alike. Everyone except Uncle Felix who locks himself in his office and then comes out two days later to introduce everyone to the new monster he got to take Mrs. Maaargh’s position. And the new monster is… No, it’s not Mrs. Maaargh’s son. That would have been a call back to the first book that would have made the ending of this book actually enjoyable. It’s just some random two headed monster who announces that at the end of camp he is going to be eating two kids. Which happens to be in two days…

So instead of finishing the book by saying, “Wow. I did not see that coming.” I instead finish the book by saying, “Huh… Uncle Felix is a dick for no good reason…”

I really hated this book.

[occupyvenus]

We are not okay in fact we are slowly but surely dying

eeehhhh …. okay? I mean, that’s true, I suppose. 

… are you talking about the existential conclusion that all living does indead end with death, mixed with the realization that happiness is nothing but a fabrication of your brain to keep you from being utterly depressed by all these big, deep, philosophical questions, no one has a satisfying answer too, with the only objective being for the meat-sack your mind is inhabiting to go on functioning, which is forever compelled to follow the instinct of passing on your genes to the next generation, while you slowley accept the fact that the only inherent “meaning” behind your very existence is to secure some part of you has it’s place in your species gene-pool, because that’s how “life” itself has prevailed, dreading that all your “higher-functions” are nothing but evolutionary tools to do just that… in which case, I congratulate you on your existential crisis! Welcome to the club! I would recommend checking out Existentialism, Nihilism or Absurdism to get through that phase! I mean, that won’t change that all of this is factually true, a happy mind is mostly unaware of it’s own irrelevance. So yeah, we are only staying alive to die one day, but who cares? That’s just what living is. Fuck it, let’s watch some Game of Thrones. 

Or maybe, since we are at this topic … I mostly post about Jonsa, are you worried about the ship, nony? No, my love, don’t be. We are fine. Don’t let all the leaks and spoilers get you down. Nothing that has happened in canon so far (leaks don’t count as canon) has changed my opinion about Jonsa having a very, very good shot at happening and being endgame. So calm down, my dear, everything is alright.

I’ve talked a bit about what the spoilers/leaks/boatbang could mean for jonsa and how accurate the leaks even can be. Go through my “got-leaks”, “the fuckplot is on” or “got s7″ tags. Even better,  watch the Jonny chocks Littlefinger Crypts scene one more time, that should lighten your spirit. I was heaving a bit of a doubt-phase between ep1 and 2, but that scene kicked me straight out of it. Here read my ultimate break-down for the scene. It was jonsa-gold. LF knows something is off, which means something really is off. This scene (including it’s execution) only really makes scene, if we are moving in phase two of jonsa-becoming-canon-in-an-uncreepy-way: A character in the show, other than our two lovebirds, noticing and acknowledging the possibility. 

Don’t let the antis and nay-sayer get to you. That’s exactly what they want. Btw, no leaker “confirmed” (as if they actually had the power to do so) that jonsa was a red-herring. That was a misstranslation. Let me remind you of some of the key-arguments for believing in jonsa-endgame. (vs j0nerys, because their relationship in the leaks is causing all this panic. Approach with a bit of caution if you like both ships. ):

J0nerys has not always been “an integral part of the story”. J0nrya was the major love-story of the original outline. 

The series title was “a song of ice and fire” even back then. It’s not an indication that Jon and the D are the “central” characters of the story. House Stark is and always has been, the heart of the story. The last books orginial title was a “A time for wolves”, not “A time for dragons.”

Jon falling for one of the stark-sisters was an important plotpoint. This possiblity isn’t “far-fetched”. It’s not implausible “because they thought they are siblings”. The reveal of his true parentage would have ended the “torment” over his forbidden love. 

Sansas character is still around for a reason. Her original plot-line was changed for a reason. She was updated to being one of the key-six. Grrm talks about Jons, D@enerys, Brans, Tyrions, Aryas AND SANSAS story. She didn’t betray the starks, she didn’t marry joffrey, she didn’t die. She will not play a vital role in defeating the army of the dead (compared to three-eyed-raven bran, mother-of-dragons dany, or returned-from-the-dead-azor-ahai-ptwp-song-of-ice-and-fire-lightbringer-whatever-his-deal-is-in-the-end jon, etc.). This might sound a bit awful, but the only big important porpuse I can see for her character is to be jons love interest and having an important role in rebuilding westeros after the war as queen. Okay, it sounds pretty awful, I love sansa and her character, don’t get me wrong. I know what it sounds like.That’s not how I mean that.

Grrm didn’t put the sublte hints at jonsa in his books just ~ because. He takes about a century for writing each book, he thinks a long a time about what to do. Jon being the hero sansa prayed for, cutting off Janos Slynts head; Sansas time in the vale, hiding as someone else’s bastard; ned promising her someone brave and gentle and strong - promising someone like aemon, the dragonknight (even if jons targ-name isn’t aemon, he is still a targ); the prince she wanted turning out to be a bastard and the bastard she never much cared for turning out to be the prince she always dreamed of; jon dreaming of a family in winterfell, of children alike to the siblings he lost and sansa doing the same thing; jon refusing winterfell because it belongs to sansa, when sansa is afraid that people only want her “for her claim”; sansa being the only stark who senses his death ; “stone and snow” being all that’s left of winterfell, like her and jon; etc. 

When taking the changes in book-to-show-adapation into consideration: Sansas plotline was vastly changed again (more than that of any other charcter) for a reason. The biggest impact of this change was that she was reunited with another major character pre-schedule: Jon. Coincidence? Putting her there had absolutely no purpose, they didn’t even use it to flash out “the north remembers”. The only thing it really accomplished was to give us a season full of Jon and Sansa interacting. If all of this was building up to j0nerys, why didn’t they merge their plotlines pre-schedule? Why didn’t they cut her most boring plot (meereen, by popular vote) to put her onto Jons radar sooner? That’s exactly what they’ve done with Sansa. 

D&D themselves said that their relationship will be “crucial” to watch. So far, that promise hasn’t paid off. Their interactions were intersting, but not “crucial” to the overarching plot (for now).

Grrm himself has said, that “the meerenese blot” essays, a super long analysis of Danys time in Slavers Bay and specifically Meereen, with the ultimate conclusion that Dany is set onto a dark path, perfectly understood what he was trying to do there. There are so many signs that she will turn into an antagonist, if not somewhat villain, of the story. She and Jon might hook-up (I could see D&D writing in some sexy-time even if nothing like that happens in the books), but she will not be “the love of his life”.

Last, but not least the show has been dropping subtle hints about this left and right. From the apparent Ned/Cat parallels, to their choices in lightning, dialougue and settings. From Jon staring at Sansa tits, staring at her lips after an hour-long gentle foreheadkiss and literally threatening to KILL A DUDE IF HE TOUCHES HER. Sansa realizing that he is the exact opposite of Joffrey, building up his confidence as a stark, building up his confidence of as a king, being scared for his life when he decides to go south. If you’re feeling down, watch season 6 again.

Seriously, don’t take the leaks (a super-condensed, purely verbal, biased, unconfirmed summary of what might or might not happen) more seriously, than everything that has happened in canon so far. If you work under the assumption that Jonsa will happen, so many things fall right into place. It’s really hard to believe it doesn’t mean ~something~.

Most importantly: a ship doesn’t live or die with canon. A ship lives through it’s fandom. On the off-chance that D&D only accidently created one of the best instances of subtle foreshadowing in TV-history, setting the stage perfectly for this twist since Sansa and Jon first met again on the show... On the off-chance that the universe conspired to have all of these things line up to one conclusion for no reason at all ... yeah, so what? We have so many amazingly talented writers, artists, tinfoilers and co-shippers. The fandom will stay alive, even if we truely all are “delusional”. If all of this leads to nothing and j0nerys are destined to be together, to be the song of ice and fire and even more fire, save the world and have a magical targcest!baby, well there is only one thing I can say: 

Nony, we are okay. We are very much alive and will be so for the forseeable future. 

P.S. I am only midly concerned that I’m really not sure which one of the answers applies. I know it’s one of them, just not sure which one. So I wrote something for both, just in case. 

[gothrapxxx]

Mehndi is the standard art of henna painting in India and the Middle East. You might see it written as mehandi, mehendi, mendhi, henna, al-henna, and a myriad other names and spellings. In current times, United States henna artists have pertained to denote the art with the term "Henna Body Art." All of these words explain the same classic art form, body painting for festive occasions. However you spell it, mehndi is pronounced meh-hen-di (with a soft, dental d sound like "thee"). I focus on comprehending conceptions of henna in India, where it has actually been used given that the 12th century. Lots of historical documents detail earlier use; for example, it is the Arabic Muslims who brought henna to India, where it has actually blossomed into its own distinct art design. In Indian mehndi, an individual applies designs traditionally to a woman's hands and feet. For especially advantageous celebrations, males use mehndi also. The most auspicious celebration necessitating mehndi art work is the Indian wedding event, where both bride-to-be and groom apply henna, along with numerous members of the bridal celebration. Henna on any occasion symbolizes fertility. At the wedding, henna artwork furthermore signifies the love between husband and wife, and the stain's long-lasting nature symbolizes the long-lasting nature of their love. Mehndi entered use because of its cooling restorative effect in a hot environment, and, in India, it was likewise a way for a groom and bride to learn more about one another before a set up marriage. A variety of traditions underlie using mehndi, consisting of wedding event video games and legends. For instance, the groom's name is typically written somewhere within the bride-to-be's mehndi; if he can not discover his name within the complex design, the bride is stated to have the control in the marital relationship. Also, a dark mehndi design for both bride and groom symbolizes that the two will have a strong relationship. Within the past few years, mehndi has become popularized in the West by artists and Hollywood characters alike, and is now a quickly rising pattern among females and guys in world culture.

Equating the word "henna" actually indicates "to end up being queen." The Indian name "mehndi" designates the procedure, the color, and the stain of mehndi. To make the color, henna (mehndi) leaves are dried and finely ground. The powder that results is filtered 2 or more times through a great nylon cloth. This process leads to getting rid of the coarse fibers from the powder, making what is left finer and easier to utilize. The artist then mixes this fine powder with an oil (such as eucalyptus, nilgiri, or mehndi oil) and other liquids (lemon, water, or tea), making a thick paste. This paste is applied to the wearer's hand in various styles, which can vary from large, thick patterns to Moroccan geometric patterns to standard Indian paisleys and lace-like drawings. All depends upon the ability of the artist and the style of styles used. A solution of lemon juice and sugar is then applied to the drying mehndi to allow it to remain stuck to the skin and to improve the dying process. Mehndi is yet another conventional yet interesting pre wedding ceremony. In Indian weddings, a lot of focus is given on customizeds and routines and the very same is reflected in the Mehndi ceremony prior to marital relationship. Mehendi event has ended up being such an integral part of the wedding ceremony that it can not be imagined without it. Additionally, Mehndi is among the sixteen adornments of the bride and her beauty is insufficient without it. Mehndi event usually happens just before marriage. According to the routine, the bride-to-be does not step out of your home after this ceremony. simple mehndi event is basically arranged by the family of the bride-to-be and is generally a personal affair which happens in the existence of friends, relatives and family members. Nevertheless, the scale of the event relies on private choice. Some people celebrate it with fantastic pomp and show. Mehndi is one of the oldest kinds of body art developed by guy. The Hindi and Arabic word Mehendi is stemmed from a Sanskrit word 'mendhika' which described the henna plant itself. Referral to uses of henna can be traced back to the Bronze ages. In the bible, henna is described a Camphire. In and around the Indian subcontinent, henna has been used as a cosmetic even prior to Vedic ages. India is considered as the source from where the body art traditions with henna infect different parts of the world like Egypt, Asia Minor and the Middle East. Recommendations of henna throughout the mummification procedure of Pharaohs in addition to anecdotes of the famous queen Cleopatra using henna to paint her body are popular in history. Prophet Muhammad is known to use henna paste to color his graying beard and was understood to promote use of henna to others as well. Use of henna is thought about immensely auspicious in lots of traditions worldwide, especially within Hindus, who would think about Mehndi part of the popular 16 adornments or Solah Shringaar. Henna (Botanical name: Lawsonia inermis) is a small shrub-like plant, found in tropical climates of Indian sub-continent, Malaysia, Africa, Middle Eastern countries. The leaves and branches produce a red-orange dye called Lawsone that is responsible for imparting the characteristic color when bound with protein particles of the upper skin layer. The plant is commercially cultivated in Rajasthan, Punjab, Gujarat and parts of Madhya Pradesh. Traditionally, the Mehndi paste is made from dried powdered henna leaves. The leaves are dried in sun, ground and sieved to obtain a fine mossy green powder, which is then integrated with water, lemon juice, drops of eucalyptus oil, and mixed till a smooth paste is acquired. The paste is soaked overnight for optimum infusion and after that poured inside a plastic cone. Smaller cones are chosen as it affords much easier application.

The suggestions of the cones are cut according to the favored thickness of the lines required. The cones are squeezed lightly to make sure smooth, constant circulation of Mehndi. Application is normally begun with lower arms, slowly moving down the hand, ending in the fingertips. Gone are the days when particular aunties and sis were in need around the area for their know-how in Mehndi designs. Now Mehndi event centers around professional Mehendi artist who specializes in the most recent patterns in henna art. Conventional Indian styles consist of peacock themes, floral styles, bride/groom reproductions and other elements that cover every inch of the hand, lower arms, feet and calves. The fingertips are usually covered in thick layers of henna paste. The idea is to decorate the bride-to-be's body in imitation of costly Fashion jewelry. For those who are minimalists, they can pick Arabic styles where the Mehndi concepts are normally applied to one side of the hand and feet and do not extend to lower arms or calves. Floral and paisley themes control this style and the designs are usually curvy with great deals of focus on vines. Indo-Arabic style of Mehndi merges these 2 design patterns into a classy, artistic category. Latest trends in bridal henna styles is incorporation of colors in between henna concepts, addition of stones and blings, addition of flashes or metallic dusts. Geometric patterns and white henna designs are likewise in vogue today. The henna needs to be kept on for a minimum of 4 hours for deep and uniform color. The longer the paste is kept, the deeper will be the color. The color actually intensifies depending upon one's temperature, so the henna-painted body parts can be wrapped in cling wrap or hinders to seal in the temperature. A mix of lemon juice and sugar should be applied on the styles with a brush or light cloth at 1 hour intervals so that the dried Mehndi does not fall off and stays put guaranteeing much better color. Another method to make sure better color advancement is to dry roast some cloves on a tawa and letting the hands soak up the smoke. The Mehendi should never be gotten rid of by water after it has actually dried and must be done by simply rubbing the hands together as the dried bits come off quickly. The Mehendi Ceremony normally takes place the day before the wedding, in the early morning. The bride-to-be and the groom's family observe this ritual separately at their own residences. It is traditionally a women centric event with the men of the family generally not taking part. The outfits chosen for the ceremony are simple, in light colors, absolutely nothing too flashy. The venues are decked up with flowers and colorful draperies. The bride-to-be wears a light yellow or light green colored Lehenga or Salwar Kameez with short sleeves preferably and the groom uses Kurta Pajama likewise in light colors. It is not compulsory for the groom to use Mehendi, however a little bit is applied on his hands and feet in simple dots or little designs. The ceremony also involves application of oil on the groom's hair. The henna for the bride's ceremony needs to arrive from the groom's side together with some other gifts like fruits, dry fruits and sugary foods. Lady of the houses put together and the Mehndi is either applied by one of the bride's relative or nowadays by professional Mehendi artists. Designs are more elaborate and depending on what the bride prefers, the henna is applied on the front and back of her palm, forearm, till above the elbows, and on the feet till below the knee. Elderly girls sing conventional Mehendi songs with dholaks and other musical instruments. Ladies loved ones of the bride-to-be also get latest mehndi applied to their hands, although the styles are not as intricate as the bridal Mehendi.

The Mehendi ceremony includes within itself a host of standard beliefs that are handed down the generations. Traditionally, somewhere within the complex bridal Mehendi, the groom's preliminary is included. In post wedding, the groom needs to look and find it out. This helps with a good ice-breaker for the freshly wedded couple especially in case of an organized marriage. It is likewise said that the darker the color of the Mehendi, the more love the bride will receive at her in-laws and especially from her partner. The longevity of the color of Mehendi has special significance as well. In older days when set up marital relationships were primary, the bride-to-be retaining her Mehendi while visiting her parents' house after the wedding signaled her mother that the in-laws were thoughtful and caring.

Use of Mehendi in a pre-wedding routine is not just cosmetic but has deep underlying clinical factors behind it. Henna is known for its cooling residential or commercial properties and is expected to calm the bride's nerves when applied to her hands and feet. Indian weddings consist of a host of pre and post wedding rituals that extend the happy event through days before and after the real wedding day. These colorful events bring the whole household together, even from far off locations. The immediate and extended families, buddies and neighbors get together to commemorate the union through numerous tried and true routines throughout a span of numerous days. The Mehendi Ceremony is one such occasion that is an indispensible part of the wedding celebrations. simple mehndi Event typically describes application of a henna paste in fancy complex designs on the bride's hands and feet. A tremendously colorful event, with lots of singing and dance efficiencies involved, the Mehendi event officially kicks off the wedding celebrations completely gear.

This ritual is not only part of Hindu wedding events in Northern and Eastern India but also a part of the wedding event routines amongst Indian Muslims. The ceremony is observed in countries adjoining India like Pakistan and Nepal, in addition to in a number of Arab countries in the Middle East. Although, the ritual was primarily observed in parts of northern India, Rajasthan, Gujarat, Uttar Pradesh, Bihar, Madhya Pradesh and Punjab, the pattern has gained appeal all over India. More and more cultures are welcoming the concept of Mehendi Ceremony as a pre-wedding routine mainly due to the aesthetics included. The event has ended up being a symbol of splendour, enjoyable and festivities, and excuse for some significant pre-wedding lady bonding. Mehndi (or Hina) is the application of henna (Hindustani: हेना- حنا- urdu) as a temporary form of skin decoration, most popular in South Asia, the Middle East, North Africa, and Somaliland, along with migrant neighborhoods from these areas. It is generally employed for events and special events, especially weddings. Henna designs are generally made use of the hands and feet, where the color will be darkest due to the fact that the skin consists of higher levels of keratin. The leaves of the henna plant consist of a red-orange dye particle, lawsone, which has an affinity for bonding with protein, and has actually been utilized to color skin, hair, fingernails, leather, silk, and wool. Henna leaves are usually dried and ground into a powder, which is blended into a paste and applied utilizing a range of methods. The henna pasted is typically left on the skin for 8 hours; after it is removed, the pattern continues to darken for roughly 3 days. The word "henna" originates from the Arabic name Hina for Lawsonia inermis. In the Bible's Tune of Songs and Tune of Solomon, henna is described as Camphire. In the Indian subcontinent, there are lots of variant words such as Mehndi in North India, Pakistan, and Bangladesh. In Arabic-speaking countries in North Africa and the Middle East the Arabic word is "hina." In Telugu (India, Malaysia, U.S.), it is known as "Gorintaaku." In Tamil (South India, Singapore, Malaysia, Sri Lanka) it is called "Marudhaani" and is utilized as ground fresh leaves rather than as dried powder. It is utilized in numerous celebrations and celebrations and utilized by women and kids. It is left on overnight and will last one month or more depending upon the plant and how well it was ground and how long it is left on. The various words for henna in ancient languages recommend that henna may have had more than one point of origin. It is known that henna has actually been in usage as a cosmetic, along with for its supposed healing residential or commercial properties, for a minimum of 5,000 years, but a long history of migration and cultural interaction has made it tough to figure out with outright certainty where the custom began. Some scholars claim that the earliest paperworks of henna use are found in ancient Indian texts and images, showing that mehndi as an art-form may have come from ancient India. Others declare that the practice of ornamenting the body with henna was taken to India by the Moguls in the twelfth century C.E., centuries after it had remained in usage in the Middle East and North Africa. Another theory is that the custom of latest mehndi come from North Africa and the Middle Eastern nations throughout ancient times. Henna is likewise known to have been utilized in ancient Egypt, to stain the fingers and toes of the Pharaohs prior to mummification. Another possibility is that the similar use of henna for skin design developed individually and maybe all at once in these areas.

It is thought that dots of henna were first applied to the palms of the hands as a means of cooling off the body. Early users of henna began to add lines and other shapes to the single dot on the palm, ultimately establishing the sophisticated styles utilized today. Henna has been utilized to embellish young women's bodies as part of social and holiday events considering that the late Bronze Age in the eastern Mediterranean. The earliest text mentioning henna in the context of marriage and fertility events comes from the Ugaritic legend of Baal and Anath, which has references to ladies marking themselves with henna in preparation to fulfill their partners, and Anath adorning herself with henna to commemorate a victory over the enemies of Baal. Wall paintings excavated at Akrotiri (dating prior to the eruption of Thera in 1680 B.C.E.) reveal women with markings consistent with henna on their nails, palms and soles, in a tableau consistent with the henna bridal description from Ugarit. Numerous statuettes of young women dating in between 1500 and 500 B.C.E. along the Mediterranean coastline have raised hands with markings constant with henna. This early connection in between young, fertile women and henna seems to be the origin of the Night of the Henna, which is now popular global. The Night of the Henna, a ceremony throughout which henna is applied to the hands and feet of a bride-to-be, and typically to other members of the wedding celebration, was commemorated by the majority of groups in the locations where henna grew naturally.

[shippybatbeing]

Fangs And Edge- Chapter One

Monsters and humans once got along peacefully, both pretty much did as they pleased without bothering the other. Eventually though, there came a great war between the two. Though no one is certain of the cause of the war, legend claims that some of the monsters had developed a taste for magic, preying on both humans and monsters alike. Of course humans blamed all monsters, leading to mistrust and eventually fighting. The humans sealed the monsters underground, trapping them forever for crimes they did not commit, until the human with the red soul fell, freeing them all.

Fell was reviewing various random facts in his head as he walked alone in the grim autumn twilight. Dispite his appearence and careless demeaner, he was actually quite intelligent. Above him a pale cresent moon cast his surroundings in a dim, silver light.

He was currently on his way home from his job at the town’s McDonald’s. Usually he would already be home by now, but he’d fallen asleep at the counter for the third time that week.

If he was being completely honest with himself, the ominous darkness that covered the land around him was a bit frightening. But he’d never admit that to anyone. He had to be strong for Papyrus’s sake. Even if he had to walk through a pit of snakes every night, he would do it. The income he got from this job was the only way they could afford the small apartment they lived in.

Lost in his tired thoughts once again, Fell didn’t hear the tell-tale footsteps signifying that he was being tailed. But when the mysterious figure behind him stepped on a particularily crunchy leave, he whipped around, red eye blazing and hands raised defensively, only to see nothing.

“Who’s there, and why are ya followin’ me?” Fell half-shouted in an angry voice.

“Whoa there bud, no need to freak out.” Fell heard someones say in a smooth voice behind him, which he quickly turned to face, revealing a slightly shorter skeleton. “Name’s Sans, but everyone calls me Sci. As for why i’m following you, well,” They grinned, revealing two sharp, curling fangs, “I’m hungry.” He said, shrugging his shoulders.

Though the presence of fangs was by no means uncommon when it came to monsterkind, something about the this guy’s grin unsettled Fell. It seemed… off.  The monster, Sci, then stuck his hand out, startling Fell once more.

“What’s your name bud? Or do you just want me to call you Mr. My Chemical Romance? Like seriously dude, a solid black jacket, a red undershirt, a gold tooth, and a collar of all things? How edgy can you get?” Sci said with another, less predatory grin.

“Call me Fell, and it’s not edgy, it’s stylish, Mr. Lab Coat.” Fell retorted as he grabbed the outstretched hand, forgeting for a second that he had met this guy literally five seconds ago.

That was a mistake. 2 seconds after he grabbed the hand, Sci had tightened his grip and pulled Fell closer to him to stare into his glass covered eyes. His hypnotic, flickering, fiery, aqua eyes. Fell tried to move, but his body wouldn’t work. His limbs felt stiff and heavy, and wouldn’t respond to his panicked thoughts.

“Shhh don’t worry. This won’t hurt. I think. Actually, it might hurt. Huh. Guess I never considered what this actually felt like…” Sci mused, letting his eyes unfocus for a few seconds. Fell’s started to clear in those precious seconds, but as soon as he was almost able to move, Sci eyes snapped back into focus, and he was enamored once more.

“Whoa, that was close. Almost lost you there for a second. We certainly wouldn’t want that, right?~” Sci asked, somehow managing to stare deeper into Fells eyes. “Ack that was terrible wasn’t it, how do people manage the cool, sly vampire charm thing? Anyways, let’s just get this over with I guess.”

If Sci was somehow failing at the whole “vampire charm thing,” Fell certainly hadn’t noticed. He was too busy attempting to figure out how Sci’s hand, which was now sliding under his shirt, could be so cold yet wonorfully warm at the same time, and watching as his tantalising eyes flicked from yellow to pale blue, sometimes appearing green as the colors merged and shifted.

Sci’s wandering hands soon found what they were looking for: Fell’s soul. As soon as  Sci grabbed it, Fell gasped. But he couldn’t tear his gaze away from Sci’s, even when Sci moved ever so carefully to bite down into his soul. This caused a sharp sting that soon turned into a small, not entirely unpleasant buzzing feeling from his soul.

He watched, shocked, from the corner of his eye as Sci appeared to drain his soul of light, not taking much, but enough that it became noticeably darker then before. Once Sci had appearently had his fill, he pulled back up, breaking eye contact as he did.

“Whoa, I actually did it! Ha, take that Gaster! I am a real vampire!” Sci exclaimed, carelessly dropping a shooken Fell as he danced around, pumping his fists in the air. The last thing Fell’s fuzzy brain saw after that was Sci apparently turning into what appeared to be a neon blue bat and barrel rolling in the sky before he slipped into unconsciousness from exhaustion, confusion and magic lose.

×××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××××

Omg i finished it. This was based on a dream i had a few days ago. I hope yall enjoy it. Hopefully the characters aren’t too ooc. Idk when i’ll be able to get the next chapter out. I gotta plan it. But just take this gay fic for now~

[taekwonduh]

Don’t Forget, Pt. 3

Summary: “It is okay if you do not remember me, I can do the remembering. But in a world where I hold absolutely no place in your life, not even as the girl who knew your name before your face, I think it would be a place too cruel to live in.”

Characters: Jungkook, (she/her) Reader, Taehyung

Tags: Angst, romance, food for thought

Memo (Prologue), Pt. 1, Pt. 2

There is a certain lucid quality in the way time ticks while on commute, the idea of leaving behind a neighbourhood so faithfully occupied during the past years of your life for a territory beyond breeds a sense of detachment in your system. Your body remains bound by the ropes of reality, yet your spirit wanders with no desire of  ever returning.

Perhaps it is in your best interest that you cultivate the habit of breaking away every once in a while, though admittedly, the prospect of retreating into the dreams that afflict you so for comfort, be they night or day, is terribly ironic. But you cannot help it. You suppose it is to do with being born a dreamer. Trodding through life with no solid plan, the tiles behind you crumble with the lifting of each foot, and the path ahead is formed in the space where your feet land next, a future made of earthquakes that threaten to pull you under.

Nothing is ever clear to you. Not reality. Not dreams, certainly not the days ahead. And you question why you continue to go through with such uncertainty, why you have not yet called it quits with the world and cross into the other side when the boundaries that separated each half have long blurred and blended together.

You like to think that up until last night’s events, you have lived a life in search of answers to questions you did not know to ask.

His name is Jungkook.

“Y/N… You okay? Who was that guy?”

His name is Jungkook.

“Hey- hey, look at me. What’s wrong? Did he say something to you?”

His name is… his name is-

“Taehyung… I can't… I can’t remember his name.”

You remember barreling back to your bedroom, nearly ripping the drawer off its hinges with the sheer force of desperation. After all that has happened, the deja vu sensations, inexplicable memory loss, and the very bizarre but definite swap in places between you and Taehyung’s incident at the pier, you are hit with the sudden fear that perhaps in the time you spent away, the mysterious book might have disintegrated into nothingness. Another mind trick. Another surefire step towards irreversible insanity. 

But you are immensely relieved to find the item still within the confines you thrust it, grasping the book and locking your door. You finally work up the courage to discover its’ contents. To learn the answers which you always believed you worked tirelessly towards, but in actual fact have been going around in cowardly circles, feigning ignorance and hoping the misaligned pieces of your memories will somehow adjust themselves and find their rightful place. 

The reason why you have put the book off for as long as you have is the underlying rejection of everything you have believed in, everything you live for. The book, expectedly, throws your entire world off its axis. 

There are photos of you. Photos of Taehyung. Of a boy named Jungkook. The pier. Your neighbourhood back home. Alongside these polaroids are penned memorabilia, in a recognizable style of writing belonging to a single person— it is yours.

taehyung died three years ago, on graduation day. you were supposed to meet at the intersection at 8, but he had gone to the pier instead. he died by suicide. he did not leave any note. on this day, you met with an accident trying to look for him.

please do not call mrs. kim anymore. 
- 23.04.16

“Why were you at the pier?”

“I was looking for you.”

“Why would you be looking for me at the pier? We promised to meet by the school gates at eight-thirty sharp. You said if I were even a second late, you would pretend to not know me even if we managed to get into the same class in high school.”

“Taehyung?”

The train doors shut, carriage picking up speed as the now empty station is gradually left behind. There is a boy beside you. There is always a boy beside you.

He looks up from his phone. “Hm?”

The eyes you spend your entire life looking into appear foreign today. The disparity is not in its physical qualities, for the pools of liquid chocolate remain crystal clear, a reflection of the light that pours in from the glass panels adjacent your heads, it is perhaps in what lies beneath it— in what he holds within.

when you finally move on, the first thing i want you to do is pay more attention to taehyung. i feel like this all started because of his incident. if you can, save him, if you can’t, just keep waiting at the school gates. keep waiting until someone calls you and tells you the news of his demise. that is how you will keep your memories.

Even though it might not have been this life in which you lose him, you cannot help but feel as though there is a dormant element of sorrow that he locks up in a place so deep you cannot hope to find unless you sink your own two hands between his ribs and tear up whatever’s inside, destroying all that is good along with all that is bad. That is a resort you never wish to turn to, and you may only take comfort in the fact that you have somehow managed to save him. That he is here with you. 

He is here.

“Do you believe in a parallel world?”

The boy cocks his head, corner of his lips elevating into a lopsided smirk that gives away intrigued amusement, curiosity of why you might suddenly pose such an uncharacteristic question. He first decides to answer it. “I could be convinced.” The shift in his gaze to meet yours sparks electricity upon your skin, and you find that although your bodies are pressed against each other’s sides, though you can feel his heat radiating towards your profile, you are beginning to think that much like the dreams you lose track of each time you awaken, you might, on a day you least expect, lose him too.

“Why do you ask?”

“Imagine that there are little doppelgängers that live on a planet and follow a timeline that is linear and parallel to ours. They live a similar life to us, except sometimes the decisions we make aren’t always one and the same. So that results in certain… branches that lead to outcomes different from the ones that happen here, in our world. Imagine, there is a whole new world created for every choice we make and didn’t make. In those worlds… do you think we are still friends?”

Taehyung shifts in his seat, his shoulder leaving yours in his act of turning his entire upper torso to face you, a position that is no doubt awkward in the limited space of his seat, but sufficient in indicating that there is something he wants to find out.

“Where is all of this coming from?”

“I dunno.”

“Okay, let’s start small then. Is this about last night? I know you probably don’t want to talk about it, but it keeps bugging me. You just ran, Y/N.” You suppose Taehyung must have known the somberness he was portraying would push you further into discomfort, and as concerned as he was, he does not want to guilt-trip you into divulging anything you were not ready nor willing to. And so he contorts his features into one of his signature unsightly yet comical frowns, shape of his mouth forming a drooping rectangle, eyes slanted outwards with the pull of muscle, his eyebrows tilted at an angle to match. With that face on, he proceeds to whine in a small, child-like voice, “You ditched pier night.”

And you burst. Uncontained, heartfelt laughter tumbling from the back of your throat out your mouth, shattering the early morning daze that hung over the rest of the train car. A few eyes shift towards you. But you could care less. 

“Stop making that face!” Your palms fly up to cup his cheeks, thumbs pushing and molding the flesh to rid that ghastly expression from his otherwise handsome face. Taehyung, relieved by your joyous reaction, eases back into his usual laidback demeanor, his own hands coming around yours to bring them down. 

“Well?”

“Well…” You answer his prompt pointedly, sighing into your next words, “I’m still figuring things out. But what I can tell you is that ever since that coma… things haven’t been the same. I don’t know what’s different, I just- I just feel.”

“Do you think we should pay another visit to the hospital? Maybe they might’ve missed something—”

“No, it’s not that. Don’t worry, Tae, I’m working things out. And when I actually have the answers to my own questions, I’ll gladly answer yours. Hmm?”

The mystical qualities of a train ride away from home dissipates into a familiar sensation of emptiness the moment a warm hand is wrapped around your wrist, and you are lifted from your seat towards the car doors, merging with a disarray of early morning commuters on their way to offices, schools, workplaces. The crowd is thick like wet cement, your senses held captive to an atmosphere so hot and humid that instantly all bearings are lost, and you rely solely on Taehyung’s lead to get you out. If this is what ensues a commute, it has become apparent that you detest it.

“Thank God we’re not late,” your companion huffs as he straightens the quality of his pristine new uniform, smoothing out wrinkles and dusting off lint. Though you don garments that are entirely alike, only tailored to suit each gender, you have found that from the time a communal code of wear was first introduced to you both at the age of seven, your dearest friend has always managed to find ways to look starkly superior in his clothing in contrast to you.

Maybe it is in his physique, broad shoulders and filled chest to match his tall and still growing height; perhaps it was in the choice of hairstyle, kept simple enough to abide by conventional school dress codes, yet presenting a tasteful styling in the way his bangs fall in a voluminous arc down his forehead, parted just over the the arch of his left eyebrow, a classic boyish look. Today, he sports his new pair of eyeglasses, an accessory he had showed off generously earlier in the morning when he came to pick you up. The look probably would not have been considered anything special if pulled by anyone else, a sight that blends into the surroundings and is easily skimmed over. You suppose that is the leverage over you he possessed by birth. 

In your trek from the train station towards your school, you are joined by many other youths sporting outfits identical to yours, and surprisingly enough, it is quite easy to tell freshmen apart from more senior students. Like yourself, they carry crisp new backpacks, bulky with the weight of brand new textbooks possibly packed inside, style their uniforms strictly in line with the specified guidelines, and in their eyes, they hone the same glint that currently shone in Taehyung’s— excited for a new start, anticipation of the new experiences to come.

Even as the school compounds gradually come into view, marked iconically by a domed roof atop a massive brown-brick structure, you find trouble in drawing out a sentiment to match your peers. To say that it feels as if you have done this before would not be a stretch; the transition from middle to high school in terms of routine does not feel all that drastic. Aside, of course, from the hour-long commute-from-Hell you now have to make. It continues to follow the same monotonous regiment of rise, work, sleep, repeat. What sort of new start could one possibly hope for? You have not the slightest clue. 

Upon your arrival to the parted steel gates, beyond which is an expanse of a yellow dirt field, at the core of which is a lush, green quad where wooden benches and umbrella-like trees are spread for the students’ lounging convenience, you discover a handful of senior-looking students, supposedly part of the welcoming committee, ushering in the students with smiles much too bright for such an early morning.

Amongst them, a particularly sharp boy catches your attention with his refined posture, herculean-shoulders and tightly wound school tie; his aura alone sets him apart from the rest of his comrades, exuding sublime confidence and ultra authority in his greetings to fellow students. Supposedly having been aware of this quality, the intimidation he knew he would surely evoke in students is neutralized by two lovely crescent-mooned eyes, his plush, pink lips curved into a matching smile, displaying prominently that despite the richness of his features, he too, remains a teenager like the rest.

You observe him keenly throughout your passing through the gates, leaving the sidewalk and entering at last the compounds of your new school, and you cannot help but be tinged with disappointment when the celebrity-esque boy misses the chance to offer you one of his well-rehearsed introductory phrases. Instead, you are merely shuttled along with the rest of the crowd around the perimeters of the quad, ascending a short flight of steps to pass through a set of warm, red wood double-doors, propped open by two rubber stoppers to facilitate the heavy stream of students arriving for the school day.

Officially within your new school quarters, you and Taehyung unite with other fresh-faced students towards the completion of the first step at getting yourselves oriented— finding your class registers.

At the end of the broad, linoleum-floored hallway you now stand within, lined on one side with display shelves of trophies, medals and framed certificates, and the other, with various club announcements, colourful nutrition posters, advertisements for upcoming school events, was a large whiteboard clipped with sheets of rolling paper dictating which student was assigned to which class. You and Taehyung would refer to this whiteboard, find your classes, and disperse. Albeit due to the sheer amount of people herded around it, Taehyung suggests that you wait at the outskirts for him to come back with the necessary information. You are much too small to be pushing through a crowd like that. 

“Bad news, Y/N, we’re separated,” Taehyung announces, looking evidently dejected by the conclusion of your once unbreakable nine-year fate as classmates. “You’re in one-four, I’m in five. Good thing is all the first year classrooms are on the same floor. At least that’s what I heard. Let’s get going?”

You nod affirmatively, angling your body towards the stairs. “Yeah.”

Once on the third floor, the lot of students on the way to their assigned classrooms spill into yet another boxy hallway, this one significantly less decorated, walls lined with chunks of metal lockers waiting to be taken up. The rooms are relatively easy to find, from the left of the stairway are classes one to four, and to the right are five to eight. Ultimately, this is where your and Taehyung’s togetherness reaches its momentary end, and the boy parts with you after an affectionate clap on your shoulder, wishing you good luck and a promise to meet for lunch. 

The subsequent absence of his warmth beside your shoulder is larger than you ever thought it would be, and though there is the assurance in knowing Taehyung is only one room away, the fact that you now go solo licks a hot flame of nervousness up the back of your neck, your footsteps grow significantly heavier as you trudge to class.

You are amongst the final few to enter, and like any sizable crowd trapped inside a room, it is no surprise to find that the seats towards the back have all been filled, and you very barely snag a desk at the furthermost column from the door, seating yourself between a girl in front and a boy behind. As the last remaining desks are filled, a man appearing to be in his early-thirties strides into the room, obliterating every decibel of conversation with his preppy entrance, now becoming the center of utmost attention.

He dresses himself rather casually, in a blue knit vest over a white dress shirt, khaki slacks and brown boat shoes. And upon assuming position between the presentation desk and the whiteboard, he lifts his spectacled gaze to size up the class of twenty, nearly thirty-odd students seated in their neat five by five, single-file organisation of desks, all poised and perked. 

“If this is the class environment for the rest of the term, we are going to breeeeze right through it.”

The stiff silence in the room is punctuated at last by the hearty chuckle that the man proceeds to let loose, joined only a second later by the harmonious laughter of the other students. The man, introducing himself as Mr. Nam, then begins to break down the events for the rest of the day— first of all going through administrative matters, sorting out the issue of lockers, handing out class schedules for the semester and recruitment pamphlets for various school clubs and sports teams. He goes on to guide you all verbally on the expected movement throughout the day: after the thirty minute homeroom, the entire school would gather in the main hall for a welcome (and for the returning students, a welcome-back) ceremony that would involve recapping last year’s achievements, laying out the expectations for this year, and the introduction of new faculty members.

Seated amongst your new classmates, some of which you have already broken ice with, you delight in the chance to catch Taehyung in his own plastic chair some rows behind you, already surrounded by a hefty group of male friends. You suppose at this stage the girls are still too shy to make advances, but surely they will come— they always do.

And at last, to conclude the two-hour long ceremony, the dean invites up a student whom he addresses as the student body president, handing over the podium to the sharp-looking student you were all but disinterested in just moments ago. The boy skips up the steps at the side of the stage, bowing slightly to the senior figure before assuming the now vacated position at center-stage. 

“Good morning everyone, this is student body president, Kim Seokjin.” The cheers that erupt following this brief introduction hails mostly from the returning students seated towards the back, according to their years. Firsts being at the very front. Seokjin allows them, and perhaps himself, a moment to revel in the applause, before promptly continuing with his speech, “I’d just like to say a quick welcome to all our new students, our prestigious members of faculty and my own committee extend our warmest regards. We promise you’ll have a splendid freshman year ahead. And to all my returning juniors, friends, classmates and seniors, a great big welcome back to the grind after a wonderful two-month vacation that I am sure was well-spent.

“Now, to get on with business, I am pleased to announce that our highly-anticipated homecoming night will be held two weeks from now, on the 14th July, Friday evening. Details will be posted on the student portal, so as always, visit the site to register your attendance. No one wants to show up to a party uninvited. Following that, we will be kicking start our week-long of sports tryouts and club recruitment for our lovely freshies, there will be a fair held in the quad by your seniors to try and rope you into an extra-curricular you don’t always actually need… but will enjoy nonetheless.

“And just before we close the semester with finals, the school will be having our annual Arts Fiesta month, during which all our arts teams will hold concerts, guerilla performances, exhibitions and more. You may find all the information on the respective extra-curricular notice boards located in the main hallway on the ground floor.”

Like his professional predecessor, Seokjin continues to lay down the events for the rest of the school year, albeit his tone is laced with a code of humor much more appropriate for the audience that it keeps everyone’s focus on him. At the bell, the ceremony is concluded and you, along with the rest of the freshmen, are shuttled into the cafeteria while the seniors return to their classrooms. 

The massive movement traps you amidst a bunch of unfamiliar faces, and it despairs you to know that you can no longer spot Taehyung in the crowd, having lost him to the taller bodies around you. Hoping to meet him outside the hall, you resign to the crawling pace of the crowd, one tiny step at a time until you finally pour out of the entrance like a drain unclogged.

The hallway outside is a clutter of frenzied traffic, some heading one direction towards the cafeteria, the others going another to hang out in the quad, and then there are little cliques blocking up space by the notice boards, the water coolers, chatting and waiting for their friends. You find an empty space against the wall and press your back into it, standing on your tiptoes to screen the crowd for the familiar black-rimmed glasses set against healthy golden skin. 

It turns out that when put in a crowd as big as this, it is near impossible to distinguish Taehyung from literally hundreds of other people following the exact same trend. Since when did so many people start wearing geek specs?

As the last of the herd trickles out, the hallway significantly clearing and decreasing in activity, all having gone on to spend their lunch break with friends, you are stuck in the same spot, no sight of Taehyung whatsoever.

You do, however, come across a rather peculiar scene taking place inside the emptied school hall. With the bulk of students gone and faculty members returned to their classrooms or the lounge, only a handful of council members remain, busying themselves with the stacking up of plastic chairs and pushing them to the back of the hall. Amidst the myriad of floor-scraping screeches, light jokes tossed around to brighten up the otherwise mundane task, you recognize the taller of a pair of figures to be Mr. Nam, and the other to be that of a fellow student. 

The humbly slumped posture of the student gives off an impression of apology, guilt, perhaps, and you can only assume the student must have done something to warrant a light chastise. As your mind wonders what could possibly have been the reason for it, you notice a bright red backpack still slung over the student’s shoulders, a hint that he could possibly only have just arrived, and therefore missed his chance to leave his belongings in the classroom. 

Right at that moment, the conversation appears to be concluded by a friendly thump on the boy’s shoulder, and their bodies turn towards the doors, towards you. 

That is when you see him. 

Chestnut hair. Round, curious eyes. Lightly tanned, troubled skin.

He sees you too. But you are well aware of the fact that the recognition flashing in his eyes in that moment is not at all aligned with yours. You remember each other from a different time. Different memories. There is the thought of how this is even possible at all, yet he is now standing before you, gazes locked, lips pursed. 

“Oh? You look familiar!” You’re certain you must not have looked anything less like a deer caught in headlights, and suddenly you are questioning why you have foolishly left yourself in plain sight, in the direct line of conversation with a teacher who looks particularly eager to be addressing his new student. “Let’s see… Y/N, right? What are you still here for? Not joining your classmates at lunch? The school food is really good, scout’s honour!”

“H- Huh?” The response comes out astray, obviously distracted. You are forced to avert your vision from a set of smoldering charcoal eyes to the kind (yet insensitive) teacher standing before you. “Yes, I plan to. Was just waiting for someone.”

“Is that so?” The man begins to smile, his larger, veiny hands coming upon the younger’s shoulders, the whites of his knuckles evident of a light squeeze being delivering from his fingers to the muscles beneath. For a first meeting, the two seem rather friendly. “Don’t tell me you know Jungkook over here?”

The focal point of your shaky vision once against resumes on the boy, who openly watches you, keenly awaiting your next response. 

“Jungkook…?”

“How do you know my name?”

who… are you? his name is jungkook. he sings at the bar. he says he doesn’t want you to remember him. when you wake up tomorrow, decide what you want to do with this information. 
- 22.04.16

“N- No, no I don’t.”

“Ah, is that so? Well, there’s lots of time to get friendly. He’s the last one to join us in class. Super, super late, but forgiven since we go way back.” Mr. Nam turns to the boy beside him, grin stretching even wider as his tone takes on one of affection, “See, Kooks, a whole lifetime of perks await you if you have me for a teacher in primary school!” The boy amiably joins in laughter, though the poor, ignorant man remains clueless about the massive elephant trapped between you and him. “Anyway, there’s no one left in there other than the student council. You’re better off checking the cafeteria to see if your friend’s already waiting. Go with Jungkook! He’s about to head there anyway.”

Your heart leaps from between your ribs, lodging itself in the back of your throat, and you find yourself stuttering, garbling, nearly choking, as the words struggle to gather on your tongue. “I- I- I was going to… to the washroom first, a- actually. Seeyouaround, Mr. Nam!”

And you spin curtly on your heels, ninety-degrees towards the path of escape, muscles cramping up from the restrain on your legs from bolting out of the conversation.

You are unsure if it is the heat of embarrassment earned from your display of conversational skills, or lack thereof, that burns the skin on your back with hot, white flames, or if it is the mystical properties that inevitably surround a daylight rendezvous with the very embodiment of all things you cannot explain, the equation that you are unable to make sense of that has come to mock you in the flesh.

The muscles in your leg lose strength the moment you round the corner, your entire frame doubling forward, chest heaving, breathing laboured. No matter the volumes of air you take in, the exhaustion does not recede, it instead grows in magnitude, transitioning from mere breathlessness to a frame-splitting ache blooming in the center of your chest, a sadistic twist-and-wring rhythm taking over the once steady beats resonating within ribs.

This is a feeling not at all foreign to you. In fact, it is so familiar that it is akin to a homecoming. The only thing that registers beyond the rapid pumping of blood and the hammering in your chest is the vague echoes of a paragraph that you think your mind will never be fully rid of. Not when the very subject of it has broken the chains binding it to dreams, and is now present within the realms of your reality.

my last request is this: apologize to jungkook. he says that you are someone who has suffered enough, but your pain does not nearly amount to his. you are able to forget, but jungkook remembers- he carries everything with him to the next day and the next. but let’s say you meet him and he does not recognize you- just leave him be. i think he deserves to live without you, because all his memories of you are laced with suffering. i do not want that for him in his next life, and i am sure you do not want that either.

[angel-with-a-pipette]

Honestly, I'd either remove Namine's suicide entirely since it does nothing for the plot, or explain just WHY she had to return to Kairi in Days if it couldn't be explained in 2. As it is, it's a disgusting attempt to portray a suicide as a happy ending for a character who was given zero respect from friends and foes alike for the entire game. I mean, not even the KH2 Novel gives her a motivation for returning to Kairi. Granted, the KH2 novel is So Bad it's Good, but STILL.

Maybe it has been mentioned in some Ultima or Interview, it's a huge problem in the KH universe. Maybe it's never been explained. I'll just stick with the idea that both Sora and Naminé would've fades eventually if they didn't merge with Roxas and Kairi respectively. It makes enough sense for me until KH3 lets the Nobodies return.

[tl-the-celestiamod]

Goosebumps Review #8

*Grumbles* I guess it’s time for another review. Do I really have to? *Sighs* Okay fine... Moving on with reading all the Goosebumps I never got the chance to read as a kid…

(Spoilers)

Creature Teacher: The Final Exam

Goosebumps Most Wanted #6

Dear god this book sucked. And it’s a real shame because I really loved the original Creature Teacher. But what is the most mind boggling is that this is more or less the exact same story as the first book. It just copied the plot from the first book almost to the letter, and yet despite being the same story, this time it sucked instead of being awesome. So how do you manage to retell the same story but make it bad this time around? Well let’s go through all the problems in the order they appear and I’ll show you.

The first problem is our protagonist, Tommy. He’s bland. There’s not a single thing interesting about him. He has no personality. He doesn’t have any defining characteristics. This kid is just a total blank slate who is uninteresting to read about. Back in the first book, Paul Perez was the class clown. He was always joking to the point where it finally got him in so much trouble that his parents sent him away to boarding school. And even when things got bad he still kept it up because joking about his misfortune was the only way he could deal with it. He had a personality and he was fun to read about. Tommy doesn’t have that. In fact, his parents and sister show more personality in the 2 short chapters they are in than Tommy does the entire book.

And that’s also a problem, because Tommy’s family is the worst family ever. There are a lot of really aggravating characters in this book, but his family are some of the worst. They are all super overachievers who only care about winning and feel the need to compete over everything. And I mean everything. This kid’s parents can’t even sit down to eat breakfast without being like, “I ate the biggest breakfast!” “Oh yeah, well I ate my breakfast the fastest!” They are grown adults acting like annoying five year olds who feel the constant need to show off and be better than everyone else at everything even when it’s things that just don’t matter. Tommy’s sister is the same way and their parents encourage it while shunning Tommy for not acting like a petulant five year old. If this book had ended with Tommy getting a gun and blowing his family’s brains out it would have made for a more enjoyable ending and no one who read it would have been able to say he wasn’t justified in his actions.

Just trying to get through the first 2 chapters of this book was painful and a little hard to do because Tommy’s family aggravated and sickened me that much. But as bad as that was, how else do you take a story as good as Creature Teacher and make it not good? By changing the setting and pretty much merging it with one of the worst Goosebumps ever written. Yeah, the title of this book should have been “Mrs. Maaargh Goes To Camp Jellyjam”.

Okay it doesn’t actually take place at Camp Jellyjam. It takes place at a summer camp called Winner Island. But it may as well be King Jellyjam's Sports Camp. Winner Island is a summer camp dedicated to making your kids into winners. It’s a sports camp where everyone is totally obsessed with winning all the time and not winning is shunned. (Which is why Tommy’s parents forced him to go there.) Sound familiar? It’s the exact model of Camp Jellyjam. The ideology of this camp is so disgusting to me it would have been hard to read even if I hadn’t already read The Horror at Camp Jellyjam and hated it. There is one part where Uncle Felix, the guy who runs the camp, actually tells Tommy, “Helping others is for losers. A winner doesn’t care about others. A winner takes what he wants for himself.” So now we get to add Uncle Felix and the rest of the camp counselors to the list of highly aggravating characters who need to be shot in the head.

The only improvement Winner Island has over King Jellyjam's Sports Camp is the fact that the kids all at least have a reason to be so obsessed with winning this time. Because Mrs. Maaargh is one of the camp counselors and whoever is the biggest loser at the end of camp gets eaten.

The setting in the original book was perfect. Having Mrs. Maaargh as the headmistress of her own boarding school out in the middle of nowhere worked. She was able to set the school up like a prison where the kids weren’t able to get out or have contact with the outside world. She was the one in charge of the school so she had final say on how things were set up and how things were run. On top of that she was very clever on how she did things. Only the kids in the school knew she was a monster. The other teachers and staff were kept in the dark about this. Mrs. Maaargh could just say, “I have a medical condition. I’m very sensitive about it but the kids all make fun of me because of it.” Then any kid who tried to tell any adult that she was a monster was scolded for being insensitive. She even worked out a plan where once she had picked out which kid she was going to eat she started contacting his parents and telling them that he as acting up and having problems at school. So when she finally ate him no one would question the story if she told the police that he ran away into the woods surrounding the school.

But with this new setting nothing works. Winner Island may be an actual island where the kids are cut off from the outside world, but she isn’t the one in charge now. Uncle Felix is. That means he had to actually go out of his way to get this camp set up to imprison kids for the express purpose of letting a monster toy with and eat them. And he is doing just that. Mrs. Maaargh isn’t hiding the fact that she is a monster from anyone this time. Uncle Felix and all the camp counselors know she is a monster. They know she will eat one kid at the end of camp. And they are actively helping her and making sure the kids can’t get away. And they have apparently been doing it for years. Other than their warped mentality of what a winner is, the book never gives us any explanation as to why they are working with and helping this monster.

Nor is there ever any  explanation given as to how they cover it up when every year one kid doesn’t come home from camp. In the first book they showed us how Mrs. Maaargh was a master at manipulating people and how she handled that, but this time they just don’t seem to worry about it. So I have to wonder how this camp hasn’t become the focus of a full blown police investigation and been shut down yet. One kid goes missing at this camp every year? The FBI would be all over that place. And they would be sure to notice that the whole island was wired with the surveillance cameras Uncle Felix uses to make sure none of the kids escape and demand to have those tapes handed over. And between Mrs. Maaargh constantly bragging to the kids about how she is going to eat one of them, and the camp counselors forcing the kids to play dangerous games like Dodge The Javelin, 90% of the footage would have to be edited out before handing it over and that would just tip off any investigation even more.

Changing the setting from "The Caring Academy" to a summer camp was one of the worst decisions R.L. Stine could have made with this book. Not just that, but it doesn’t even fit! The book is called Creature Teacher, not Creature Camp Counselor...

But I’m ranting too much about this one aspect. Let’s move on to the next problem with this book. The first book created a psychological aspect of horror. Mrs. Maaargh manipulated and toyed with these kids. They were always trying to please her but no one ever knew if whatever they were working on would make her happy or not. It was all up to her whims. Any given project could be just a likely to put them at the bottom of the chart as it could the top of the chart. This created an atmosphere of paranoia that became the true horror of the book. That’s gone in this book. With the sports camp setting it’s all a matter of how you preform in events. There is no aspect of uncertainty. You either win and she approves, or you don’t win and she doesn’t approve. Even Mrs. Maaargh’s son is gone. In the first book her son was always lurking around, spying on the characters, adding even more to the paranoia as you were never quite sure what he was up to... if he was trying to help them or trying to hinder them? But he’s been cut out of this book entirely. Stine took the scariest aspect of the first book and just removed it.

I’m not going to even bother going into any detail about what happens in the story because as I said it was just a retelling of the first book. So if you already read that one you already know what happens in this one. It’s like to just went down a check list checking off all the plot points from the original. Protagonist is enrolled late, putting him far behind all the other kids? Check. He makes two friends, a boy and a girl, who are both secretly sabotaging him to make sure they stay above him on the food chain? Check. He tries to escape but his escape is cut short because of bad weather? Check. The story was interesting in the first book but now we’ve already seen it done before so it just becomes boring.

Even the twist ending is so underwhelming it’s sad. After Tommy defeats Mrs. Maaargh with a Chekhov's gun we saw coming a mile away, the whole camp decides to spend the last few days of camp celebrating. Campers and camp counselors alike. Everyone except Uncle Felix who locks himself in his office and then comes out two days later to introduce everyone to the new monster he got to take Mrs. Maaargh’s position. And the new monster is... No, it’s not Mrs. Maaargh’s son. That would have been a call back to the first book that would have made the ending of this book actually enjoyable. It’s just some random two headed monster who announces that at the end of camp he is going to be eating two kids. Which happens to be in two days...

So instead of finishing the book by saying, “Wow. I did not see that coming.” I instead finish the book by saying, “Huh... Uncle Felix is a dick for no good reason...”

I really hated this book.

[i-am-very-very-tired]

Director, Jon Hershfield, MFT Mindfulness and Cognitive Behavioral Therapy for individuals and families affected by OCD, Anxiety, and related disorders Home About Us Services Free OCD Group Jon’s Blog Media Links Contact Us Previous Next HOCD (Sexual Orientation OCD): Part Two So now what? Obsessive compulsive disorder is treated with a form of psychotherapy called cognitive behavioral therapy. It is a present-focused therapy that addresses how you are responding to your thoughts and feelings and how these responses can be modified to improve your mental health. Treatment for HOCD is no different from treatment for other forms of OCD. You identify the obsession, identify the compulsions, stop the compulsions, and starve the obsession. To achieve this, you attack the OCD from three angles, exposure, critical thinking, and mindfulness. Exposure for HOCD – it’s not all about gay porn OK, it’s a little about gay porn, but keep reading anyway. Exposure with Response Prevention (ERP) is a way of overcoming fears by gradually confronting things that cause the fear state while (and this is key) resisting the compulsive response. It’s not enough to look at weights at the gym. You have to pick them up and resist gravity’s objection. Working with an OCD specialist, you will want to identify what it is about your HOCD that really compels you to ritualize. For some, it’s a straightforward discomfort with gay imagery and for that, you might do exposure to gay-themed pictures and videos of gradually increasing intensity while resisting the urge to convince yourself that you are straight. For others, the fear is more abstract, having to do with a loss of identity or a fear of emotionally scarring your loved ones by “coming out” to everyone’s dismay. For this, exposure to sexual material is less relevant because you may not be fighting a fear or disgust with gay sexual imagery, but instead are grappling with a fear of being an imposter. Exposures for this type of HOCD may focus more on being in environments where the thoughts are likely to be active and resisting checking or reassurance-seeking behaviors. You may also use imaginal exposure, such as writing narratives about your fears possibly coming true and the consequences therein. Many HOCD sufferers benefit from a combination of exposures. In both cases, it will also mean identifying what you are avoiding and gradually reintroducing yourself to those things. This doesn’t mean having gay sex. You weren’t avoiding that before HOCD started. You just weren’t doing it. But you may have started to avoid reading a magazine if there happens to be an article about a gay celebrity in it, or listening to a piece of music performed by a gay person, or having cordial conversations with your local barista who you think may be gay. So a lot of ERP is really about gradually returning to a life of behaviors totally unrelated to sexual orientation that got thrown off course by the HOCD. Dealing with the HOCD thoughts Critical thinking means recognizing when a pattern of thought is distorted and may be playing into the hands of the OCD. This may be addressed in therapy with something called cognitive restructuring, a way of challenging intrusive thoughts without doing compulsions. A good example of distorted thinking is the tendency in all forms of OCD to look at things in black-and-white terms. For example, equating the presence of one gay-themed thought with the self-identification of “being gay.” There is also a powerful tendency toward disqualifying a life history of being one orientation in the face of fear over being another. In other words, though you may have always pursued members of the opposite sex, your obsessive thoughts about being gay seem to make that seem irrelevant – or worse, like a desperate attempt to deny the truth! Another common distortion in HOCD is equating the presence of any gay thoughts or feelings with being less of a man or woman. Though it is important to identify and challenge distorted thinking in all forms of OCD, you want to be very careful not to use logic as your main weapon against the disorder. You can’t fight OCD illogic for very long with logic. You have to fight it with better illogic in the form of exposure. Mindfulness skills and HOCD Accepting thoughts, feelings, and physical sensations as they are. This is all mindfulness really means. It is noticing and accepting without judgment. Hey, look at that, another HOCD thought. All right then. But in HOCD, accepting thoughts, feelings, and sensations seems like accepting a death sentence. A very gay death sentence. If I accept a thought like, “I would love kissing that guy” then what’s to stop me from making out with my best buddy? Well, nothing really, except that you are basically only going to do it if and when you want to. You cannot control the thoughts and feelings and random physical sensations that happen to occur in you. No one can. You just choose what to do with them. I kill several people a day and probably sexually assault about the same number in my head. And look, they let me be a therapist. Mindfulness for HOCD often means allowing yourself to incorporate unwanted sexual thoughts, feelings, and sensations into the larger picture of whatever you are experiencing in that moment. So, rather than attend to wishing that you could have a conversation with a same-sex friend without “gay thoughts”, actively embrace the experience of having both the conversation and the thoughts simultaneously. The experience you are having involves both of those things. When you focus your attention only on the unwanted thoughts, their origins, and when you imagine they will leave, then you are depriving yourself of the other experience, a nice conversation with a friend. If, on the other hand, you can allow yourself to stop “minding” that the thoughts are there and commit to having whatever experience you are having, you not only get to enjoy more of your life, but you send a powerful message to your OCD mind that these thoughts are not particularly important and not worthy of intruding so aggressively. Gay in the moment, with or without HOCD So they’re making another movie about Wolverine from X-Men. This is a bit odd, I think. There’s the X-Men movies, then there’s X-Men Origins: Wolverine, now there’s The Wolverine. Soon we’ll see Wolverine on Ice I imagine as men and women alike simply cannot get enough of this masculine tough guy crybaby superhero who cannot be destroyed. When I see the latest billboards of Hugh Jackman, the actor who portrays Wolverine in the films, posed menacingly, perfectly chiseled features, a force to be reckoned with, I can’t help but linger. Do I want to look like him, be him, or just stare at him? I don’t know, so, for the briefest of moments, I guess I am gay. I’m not personally interested in gay sex or gay relationships. I don’t yearn for it. It just doesn’t feel like home to me. I’m happily married to a woman and feel quite lucky to be invited to stick around. But for a brief moment, every time I see the new Wolverine billboard, I am in love with a picture of Hugh Jackman and I am totally gay. The thing is, throughout the day, I will be a lot of things. Gay is the friendliest. I will get irritated by a selfish driver not letting me merge, and I may mentally run them off the road, and in that moment I will be a sociopath. I’ll destroy that driver and his whole family. I’m not proud of it, or maybe I am, but it’s just going to happen in my mind and there’s no use stopping it. So far, thinking this way, and letting it just happen, has not resulted in anyone getting hurt. So it simply must be the case that what goes on in my mind is about as relevant to my identity as television is to reality. I can watch it, and I can weigh in on how interesting I think it is, but I can’t control it and I don’t win anything by trying anyway. There have been a lot of gay moments in my life like the 2 seconds of getting stuck staring at Hugh Jackman, but allowing these moments to occur has not threatened my existence the way it does for someone suffering from HOCD because I always allow it. For women with HOCD, perhaps even more so than for men, a lot of anxiety surrounds the awareness of beauty in other women. It’s a terrible double-bind. Society asks that women study female beauty and try to achieve whatever their culture pre-determines this to mean (society is cruel). But then HOCD demands that women never admire the sexual attractiveness of other women (OCD is cruelest). I’m even gayer than that Anyone who knows me well, knows I have a peculiar fascination with Clive Barker, a well-respected homosexual author, filmmaker and artist. I recently came across a funny little video blog called Clive Barker Needs More Gay in which a hilarious and articulate gay man describes the work of Clive Barker from a homosexual perspective. In it, he points out how Barker’s characters are often unorthodox in the horror genre. Monsters are good guys, the mainstream man is the enemy, and whether you find the acts of individual supporting players to be grotesque or disgusting, you are expected to also have some sympathy for them. They are just doing what they know how to do. The narrator of this blog equates this to the gay experience, but this is often the experience of the OCD sufferer too. The OCD sufferer feels different, feels like an outsider, feels like what normally happens in their head separates them from what they imagine normally happens in the minds of the common man. Identifying with the outsider is often used as fuel for the HOCD fire. You may think, I “feel” gay because I “feel” like something about me is off, different. But simply feeling like you’re on the outside looking in is not an issue of sexual orientation. Still, the OCD persists. How do I know if I’m gay? What if I am? I have to know! You have to guess. You have to settle for confidence instead of certainty. You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be and risk being wrong. The compulsive handwasher has to live like they’re clean enough without one more wash, and they have to be willing to risk that they are being irresponsible. The alternative is to remain a slave to the OCD, a fate far worse than whatever the OCD suggests. In the end, because certainty does not exist, we only ever have two choices in life. One choice is to take the risk and stand up to your OCD. Get treatment from an OCD specialist, do the exposure with response prevention, practice mindfulness, and possibly spend the rest of your life happily engaged in whatever you pursue. It may end up well, it may not. You may live the life of a straight person and right at the very end decide it was all a sham. That would be really disappointing I imagine. But compare it to the alternative. The alternative is you don’t treat the OCD and you spend the rest of your life devoted to the futile pursuit of certainty, thinking “gay stuff” all day every day, avoiding anything that might make you happy, because happy things trigger the gay thoughts. You isolate yourself from the people who care about you. You avoid sex and all sexual expression in an attempt to cleanse yourself of any possibility of a same-sex thought or feeling. And then at the end of your life, you decide this was all a sham. You’re straight and you just have OCD. But you threw your life away for no reason other than the avoidance of fear. And now it’s too late to start over. Which scenario is ultimately more disappointing? Jon Hershfield, MFT is a psychotherapist in private practice licensed in Maryland and California, specializing in the treatment of OCD. Follow him on Twitter and Facebook. Click here for HOCD: Part 4 Click here for HOCD: Part 3 Click here for HOCD: Part 1 By Jon Hershfield|May 10th, 2013|Compulsions, HOCD, Obsessions, OCD, OCD Information|243 Comments Share This Story, Choose Your Platform! Related Posts Permalink Gallery How to Respond to Unwanted Thoughts Permalink Gallery Introducing Brenda Kijesky, LGMFT Permalink Gallery Relationship-themed OCD (ROCD) Permalink Gallery POCD Part Three: The Groin and Other Junk Permalink Gallery What Makes IOCDF Different 243 Comments James Hoffmann June 5, 2013 at 6:33 pm - Reply wow. I never leave feedback and somehow this was the one article good enough. You showed hope from a different vantage point and shed a far brighter light on this dark subject than any doctor I’ve heard. You should feel very good for having effected lives in such a positive way. Jonathan Hershfield June 14, 2013 at 10:43 pm - Reply James, thank you so much for the kind feedback. Happy the article resonated! James June 16, 2013 at 11:24 pm - Reply Good article! When will the next one be up? Jonathan Hershfield June 16, 2013 at 11:44 pm - Reply Thanks! I’m working on HOCD Part Three, as well as two other articles all at the same time, so not sure yet. Probably it will be up in a few weeks. Keep checking back to the site! Amati June 19, 2013 at 9:37 pm - Reply Love the article, I have a question, I have unwanted image/thoughts of having sex or kissing a girls, and I become very anxious (uncomfortable warm sensation in my feet and stomach) I did accept the possibility that I might be gay but it doesnt make me be ashamed rather not happy or myself. I cant sleep because of the anxious. I’m scared that suddenly I start being in love with girls because of a lot people discover their sexually at age of 20 like Ellen and Charice or later age. I still find men attractive and want a relationship with them. The day I wasn’t myself is when I had a dream of me being with a woman which scared the shit of me. Lately I wasn’t interesting in men. Suddenly I start notice girls. I admit that I watch sex scene or porn. The whole week I had to repeatedly tell myself that I wasn’t. I try to kiss a girl but I couldn’t because it didn’t feel right. I do reassure myself that it was OCD but feel like I was just giving an excuse of being in denial. I never been in a relationship. I further research and discover latent homosexuality and egodynstoc homosexuality which they have the similar symptoms as HOCD. I scared that If I see a therapist or start the erp and discover I was actually gay. Help I’m so scared. I have also I had thoughts/images of me be in the hospital discover that I had cancer, but the reality I was healthy. Jonathan Hershfield June 20, 2013 at 1:07 am - Reply Hi Amati, glad the article was helpful for you! I can’t diagnose you via a blog comment, but you describe several symptoms of OCD, such as compulsive checking, reassurance seeking, mental review (not to mention your history of health anxiety which is probably related). The fear of doing ERP and “discovering” that you are gay is a common one and unfortunately it keeps a lot of OCD sufferers from getting the help they need. All I can suggest is that avoidance doesn’t work for overcoming fears; only exposure does. So seeing a therapist is, in and of itself, an exposure to your fear. My recommendation is that you see someone who has experience treating OCD. Amati June 20, 2013 at 3:19 am - Reply What is an example of exposure and response prevention. I did expose myself with watching video and image and word. I actually felt a little uncomfortable and a little anxious (calmer then before) and all I can think was men and asking why am I watching this video because it was me. I also had thoughts of me getting raped and I was killed by an explosion. Jonathan Hershfield June 20, 2013 at 6:00 pm - Reply So, exposure is something you do which triggers in you enough discomfort that it makes you want to do a compulsion (i.e. attempt to prove to yourself that you are straight). Response prevention is when you resist doing the compulsion in the face of the exposure. So watching a lesbian-themed video might be a good exposure. But for it to be effective exposure w/ response prevention, you would want to resist the urge to think about men or ask why you are watching it, and instead tell yourself you might be gay and this might be what you are really into. This would be challenging and uncomfortable, but eventually with practice the discomfort fades. What you are left with is the ability to tolerate intrusive thoughts about your sexual orientation without getting caught in an obsessive compulsive loop. To your comment about fears of being harmed, these are also common obsessions in OCD. Ayan June 20, 2013 at 8:24 pm - Reply 1. I did accept the possibilities that I might a lesbian, but it doesn’t feel me. My anxiety decrease, the problem is I have a habit to reassure/checking the forum to search for answers, and I gain wrong information such as HOCD doesn’t exist, you are in denial.” My anxiety increase (can’t feel my stomach or my feel and the sudden thought are popping.) 2. The another problem, I can’t stop thinking about my past (watching porn same or opposite sex) when my friends told me that I was a lesbian because I never was in a relationship. I remember once time I convinced myself I was a lesbian because I watched same sex porn. I wasn’t interesting to girls except wanted to be like them. (I did admire their Beauties.) (I didn’t know about anxiety or OCD or other mental diseases until I was 20) I watch a show or go to gossip website where the person is coming out the closet at the later age. I thought it could be me because I convinced that I was. It scared me, I couldn’t sleep or thinking, getting impatience. It affect my job and my relationship with myself and my dream. 3. It happens after I was thinking that I wouldn’t be happy once I have everything I dream to be (a filmmaker, traveling the world and be more social) because I have been in debt for two years and I was comfortable being negative all the time because of my high expectation rather setting a realistic goal. 3. I want to ask about the erp therapy what do you mean by “you would want to resist the urge to think about men or ask why you are watching it, and instead tell yourself you might be gay and this might be what you are really into.” I have to pretend that I like it to overcome the discomfort. I’m scared that it makes me feel like I was lying to myself that I was gay the entire time without me knowing. I want to know to limit for exposure per day? I can’t afford to see a psychologist at the moment. Meanwhile, I want to know try overcome the ocd and anxiety without affecting with my daily routine. What is the best coping skills? 4. I have a problem by constantly checking/reassuring that it is OCD, but not in denial, comparing myself to people who are actually gay, that are afraid of telling the world. (which it increased my anxiety (can’t feel my stomach and legs/feet.) I tend to be very impatient (thinking about finding a quick conclusion rather the slowly overcome.) 5. it is normal for a human being to have same-sex fantasy, dreams, thoughts even thought they’re straight? (What is the difference between fantasy and unwanted image thought?) 6. What should I avoid? Jonathan Hershfield June 21, 2013 at 5:01 pm - Reply 1. I did accept the possibilities that I might a lesbian, but it doesn’t feel me. My anxiety decrease, the problem is I have a habit to reassure/checking the forum to search for answers, and I gain wrong information such as HOCD doesn’t exist, you are in denial.” My anxiety increase (can’t feel my stomach or my feel and the sudden thought are popping.) —This is common. Clients often come to me as a result of seeing something I wrote about their obsession. One of the first things we work on is stopping reading what I wrote. You can do ERP to specific sites where they promote “gay denial” theories, but you have to be doing it as exposure, not as reassurance. In general, it’s best to stay away from the internet while dealing with an obsession unless it’s to look up directions to your therapist’s office! 2. The another problem, I can’t stop thinking about my past (watching porn same or opposite sex) when my friends told me that I was a lesbian because I never was in a relationship. I remember once time I convinced myself I was a lesbian because I watched same sex porn. I wasn’t interesting to girls except wanted to be like them. (I did admire their Beauties.) (I didn’t know about anxiety or OCD or other mental diseases until I was 20) I watch a show or go to gossip website where the person is coming out the closet at the later age. I thought it could be me because I convinced that I was. It scared me, I couldn’t sleep or thinking, getting impatience. It affect my job and my relationship with myself and my dream. —First, most heterosexual women (at least all of those I have asked) PREFER lesbian pornography. There are a lot of reasons for this I imagine, having to do with the ways in which men and women process sexual arousal in the brain. Straight porn is often full of ugly guys doing ugly things and is typically aimed at straight men seeing these things being done. It’s not an exact science. But one thing is for certain, which is that viewing and enjoying lesbian porn is not an indicator of being a lesbian. As for thoughts about the past, you cannot control whether or not you have them, but you can control whether or not you devote energy and attention to analyzing their meaning. 3. It happens after I was thinking that I wouldn’t be happy once I have everything I dream to be (a filmmaker, traveling the world and be more social) because I have been in debt for two years and I was comfortable being negative all the time because of my high expectation rather setting a realistic goal. —Yes, many HOCD sufferers equate their fear of being gay with a fear of not being able to lead fulfilling lives. 3. I want to ask about the erp therapy what do you mean by “you would want to resist the urge to think about men or ask why you are watching it, and instead tell yourself you might be gay and this might be what you are really into.” I have to pretend that I like it to overcome the discomfort. I’m scared that it makes me feel like I was lying to myself that I was gay the entire time without me knowing. I want to know to limit for exposure per day? I can’t afford to see a psychologist at the moment. Meanwhile, I want to know try overcome the ocd and anxiety without affecting with my daily routine. What is the best coping skills? —Let’s do another #3, why not? 😉 So the question is about lying in the course of ERP for the purpose of generating discomfort so you can practice resisting compulsions. Your fear of being in denial is at the core of the HOCD and is the thing you need to be doing exposure to. So when doing ERP, you should be trying to make contact with that fear of denial. Your second question about overcoming ocd and coping without getting professional help is a somewhat difficult one to answer, but you could start with something like The OCD Workbook by Bruce Hyman or Freedom From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Jonathan Grayson. You could also utilize the support of ocd-focused discussion boards such as http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/pure_o_ocd/ or http://health.groups.yahoo.com/group/OCD-Support/. 4. I have a problem by constantly checking/reassuring that it is OCD, but not in denial, comparing myself to people who are actually gay, that are afraid of telling the world. (which it increased my anxiety (can’t feel my stomach and legs/feet.) I tend to be very impatient (thinking about finding a quick conclusion rather the slowly overcome.) –Well, these are definitely compulsions and something you want to learn to identify and resist, despite whatever discomfort this must cause you. In short, try NOT to know of it’s OCD or something else. 5. it is normal for a human being to have same-sex fantasy, dreams, thoughts even thought they’re straight? (What is the difference between fantasy and unwanted image thought?) —Yes (and that’s the last reassurance you’ll get from me!). The difference between fantasy and unwanted thought is arbitrary and based mostly on what you tell yourself it is. Knowing the difference for sure is not important, because thoughts are thoughts, not threats. 6. What should I avoid? —Compulsions, strategies to obtain certainty about your obsessions, and poisonous snakes. Amati June 21, 2013 at 4:01 pm - Reply What if I don’t like the idea. I did have thought of accepting the possibilities but my mind is tell me no you’re not gay. You’re in fact straight. Once the obsessive compulsive loop is gone, it is possible to limit myself from these topics (avoidance) in order to stop the triggers. Jonathan Hershfield June 21, 2013 at 5:11 pm - Reply I’m not sure I understand the question. If your mind is telling you that you’re straight, that’s fine. Your job is not to stop your mind from saying things, but to accept that what it is saying is comprised of thoughts, which you can take seriously or shrug off at your own discretion. I think what you are asking about avoiding topics is whether you can reduce your obsession by trying not to encounter things that trigger you. This is a bad idea. A better idea is to allow yourself to be triggered, don;t respond with compulsions, and then eventually those things won’t keep triggering you. It will be liking flipping through tv channels past the horror station without having nightmares. Amati June 21, 2013 at 4:05 pm - Reply Is this an example of erp? 1. Watching a show including a lesbian couples, and I don’t do compulsive (checking whether to see if I’m attractive or not?) and focus on more important thing. Jonathan Hershfield June 21, 2013 at 5:12 pm - Reply Close. I would suggest focusing on the show and trying to enjoy it. But yes, resisting the urge to check what it means. Ayan June 21, 2013 at 6:23 pm - Reply Oh kk thank, I’m planning to see psychologist that have the knowledge in difference types of OCD (Self-harm, HOCD, health OCD) within two weeks foe my anxiety, ocd and depression. Meanwhile, I will continue exposure, resist myself from checkin. Ill try to mindfulness and distraction by focus on the important things. Ill update you. Amati June 21, 2013 at 6:39 pm - Reply Does the same-sex dream define the sexual orientation? I mean to say that once I accept the possibility I’m might be a lesbian and my mind says im straight. I have to think deeper to prove I’m not actually lesbian. I decide to see a therapist. Jonathan Hershfield June 21, 2013 at 7:00 pm - Reply Amati, let me start by pointing out that the question you are asking is a reassurance-seeking compulsion. So I can offer my opinion, but it will only make you feel good for a bit until your ocd comes up with another question, so I want to encourage you to try to accept uncertainty rather than try to prove that you’re straight. Anyway, no, dreams are dreams, not sources of relevant information about reality. Alex June 26, 2013 at 4:49 pm - Reply Hi John, Is it normal for HOCD to concentrate on individuals? Mine seems to revolve around certain people. It also makes it very hard for me to meet new people, as I am always questioning why I like this person, why I want to spend time with them etc… Jonathan Hershfield June 26, 2013 at 5:23 pm - Reply Yes, this is not unusual. I have seen many clients where the HOCD focus is less on a general fear of being of another sexual orientation and more focused on whether thoughts/feelings about a same-sex individual means something more significant. Sometimes it can be a best friend or sometimes it can just be the image of a person you met or remembered for some reason. The questions you describe are thoughts. As such, they are normal events. However, you don’t respond to every thought, just the ones you think are important. The trick is to resist the urge to avoid, acknowledge and accept that you had the thought (why do I enjoy being with this person?), leave it unanswered, and accept that this may coincide with some discomfort that will come and go as it pleases. Alex June 26, 2013 at 5:33 pm - Reply Thank you for your response, Its strange, recently I have been doing well and I know that the best thing to do is spend time with these people. However, OCD keeps questioning me, ‘would you be meeting up with this person if you were not exposing yourself to them for therapeutic reasons? are you just using this as an excuse to see them…’. Having my thoughts centralise around certain individuals definitely makes it harder to shrug them off in comparison to having a thoughts about someone I dont know in the street. I also worry and obsess a lot about these people and others taking and interest in me, which then eventually turns into ‘this is because this is what you want’. Alex June 26, 2013 at 11:01 pm - Reply Would you recommend the four step method that is described in the book brain lock as suitable CBT therapy for HOCD? I have recently started to try using it, however it doesn’t feel as if I am accepting uncertainty as so many other sources recommend to do. Thanks Jonathan Hershfield June 28, 2013 at 11:06 pm Brain Lock is an excellent book for understanding some of the mechanics of OCD and how it operates in the brain. The 4-step method is helpful for many people, but my personal opinion is that it relies too heavily on identifying OCD thoughts as somehow different from regular thoughts and encourages disowning the presence of unwanted thoughts. Especially for so-called “pure-o” obsessions (i.e. sexual or violent obsessions), labeling thoughts as not being owned by the thinker too easily becomes a form of compulsive self-reassurance. The issue is not where the thoughts are coming from, but how they are being responded to. I can have the thought “I am gay” and though this does not represent how I feel, it is nonetheless a thought that is going through my head. I have lots of thoughts. It is not necessary to know for sure which ones reflect my identity. That will be determined by my behavior, not my thoughts. Jonathan Hershfield June 28, 2013 at 10:59 pm - Reply Alex, these are typical OCD thoughts that can be challenged and addressed in cognitive behavioral therapy. In short, avoidance of things you fear doesn’t work. It just makes the thing you avoided seem more important. Exposure to these fears may temporarily heighten your awareness of the thoughts, but ultimately results in returning things back to their natural place. In other words, instead of them being “these people” they would just be “people”. I don’t think the fact that your OCD focuses on specific individuals makes this a unique experience. The OCD is always looking for a way to convince you that this obsessive thought is somehow different or more important than some other obsessive thought. Then you will be more likely to put the effort into doing compulsions. It’s a trap. Gary Sedgeway July 3, 2013 at 3:05 am - Reply Hi, I’m 16 years old and believe I suffer from this. I’ve only had it a few months and feel like I’m getting better slowly. Basically I have had a few relationships with girls which I have always felt really happy and enjoyed. I have always liked girls and know that I would never want a relationship with a man. However I have in the past masturbated to pictures of men, and then afterwards immediately felt disgusted with myself. I know it isn’t right and I feel like I only get turned on because it is a form of taboo. This just fuels my HOCD and although I don’t do this anymore, I feel like why would I have done that if i wasn’t gay. I do all the things which is stated in this article such as checking etc, but yet I am still unsure whether I am just in denial. Just wondering on your thoughts on this.. Jonathan Hershfield July 4, 2013 at 3:17 pm - Reply Gary, you raise a good point which people often forget about, that taboo subjects are a turn-on. We are naturally drawn to the things we see on the fringe of our sexual minds and this does not mean we are permanently oriented to them. OK, you were able to enjoy looking at pictures of men. Why do we need to attach a particular meaning to this? It’s just a thing that happened. To make a determination about “denial” we have to all agree on what the word means. I’m not convinced this is a real thing as I only ever hear about it in the context of people with OCD worrying about it. Similarly, I can’t prove no one will get killed touching a publicly used doorknob, but I think it’s worth the risk to use doors. So in HOCD terms, you should move forward with your life and take the risk that you’re in denial. The alternative is to keep doing compulsions, which is only going to strengthen your obsession. Zach July 5, 2013 at 6:07 am - Reply Hello, im very new to this whole disorder and im not sure if i could be showing signs of it or not, but for the past few weeks i’ve had this nagging feeling that I might be gay, even though I’ve never had that feeling before in my life nor looked at a man like that. I keep giving myself evidence that I am straight like( and I don’t mean to be harsh or to blatant) having wet dreams about women, being aroused by women and even being aroused when dancing with or meeting a women, but I can’t get these constant thoughts out of my head. I’m 20 right now, and like I said before this is the first time this has happened. I’ve even resorted to looking at other men while driving or in magazines and asking myself, ” am i aroused by this?” just to make sure I am not, but I still get these thoughts. could I be suffering from hocd? thanks for any response. Jonathan Hershfield July 5, 2013 at 3:22 pm - Reply Zach, I can’t diagnose you from a blog post, but it sounds like OCD to me. You ned to stop trying to get the thoughts out — that’s what makes them try to get in. Checking your arousal and other “proof gathering” are also compulsions you would need to stop to get better. Rachel July 7, 2013 at 10:43 pm - Reply hello, I believe I am suffering from hocd since I had it with contamination, death and numbers. From this, its making me deny my sexuality, and I’ve always known I was straight before this, but this was triggered by a thought and I’m obsessing about this to the point where I dont want to see female friends or family. Can sexuality change? Jonathan Hershfield July 7, 2013 at 11:49 pm - Reply Hi Rachel, thanks for your comment. Since you have a history of OCD issues, you probably already know that avoidance and reassurance seeking are compulsions. I would recommend resisting the urge to avoid friends/family even if they trigger unwanted thoughts. I would also work on resisting asking reassurance-focused questions like whether sexuality can change. Justme July 8, 2013 at 2:39 pm - Reply Hello, I am a new suffer, HOCD to the max! Doubts, fears, anxiety, checking, compulsions, life wasting away looking to see if other people have what I have, you know things you have heard before. It seemed to happen overnight when I started seeing vivid pornographic images in my head. Then I was like, whats happening there, why did that happen, is that who I am? Oh right you heard it before! I was hoping to get some help looking for help 🙂 Just a small town girl, living in a lonely world, took a midnight train going anywhere. That sounds familiar….. But seriously I am driving 100 miles here one day, 100 miles here another day trying to find a good therapist/doctor. When I told my most recent therapist about my issues she took a step back and cringed. Gee, thanks lady. I did not go back. I am now on my last resort in the less than 3 hours range. After that we cannot afford treatment that’s more than a few hours drive. We are pushing our max budget as it is for help. The thought of no more hope makes me scared, I cannot live like this. I have no idea where to turn for help, help that is helpful. If I hear one more person tell me to take a hot bath or go for a walk I will scream–oh that was suggested too! No one listens to me and now one can even begin to help me! Am I looking at the wrong people for help? I been to all those “ocd helper” sites to find in my area people I should see. It seems they had no training for HOCD or even OCD. Do you have recommendations of where to go in the middle of Pa? Do you have any things that I should ask a therapist/doctor before I drive many many miles and possibly waste that time and effort? Things I should expect or notice if they are trained to help me? I get my hopes up that someone can help and I am gutted when they turn out to be untrained/uninformed. I do NOT want to try to do this alone, I feel like I can break my mind more than it is! I am trying to just live day by day until I get proper help but its very hard. It is taking a toll on my relationship with my husband. This HOCD has crept into the bedroom and it just makes me hard to be around. I am so depressed, I am so scared and I am so angry at the failures I faced. HOCD is hard, how can I be so sure that I am suffering from it and not gay and at the same time doubt that its really ocd and that I am truly gay. There are levels of many voices in my head, many say I turned gay, others say I have been gay, others say I am straight, some say that I have always been straight and there is one in there saying “what the heck is going on here?!” I appreciate any advice you are able to give out. I just hope to find someone, someone close that can help me before I start agreeing with the voice that says “everything is a lie, there is no hope, you have pushed away your husband, you have lost everything you have ever loved just kill yourself.” Jonathan Hershfield July 8, 2013 at 8:29 pm - Reply Hi Justme, sorry you’re having such a frustrating time getting the right help. If you’re in Pennsylvania, I recommend seeing if you can see Dr. Grayson or one of his colleagues at http://www.ocdphiladelphia.com. I know that’s too far away, but maybe they can see you via skype. As far as vetting treatment providers, you just need to know if they specialize in OCD (i.e. how much of their practice is ocd-focused) and if they have experience treating intrusive sexual thoughts (don’t lead with “HOCD” as most treatment providers don’t use this non-clinical term). The IOCDF has a good list of questions one might ask a potential therapist here: http://www.ocfoundation.org/treatment_providers.aspx Scroll down to where it says Important Things to Keep in Mind When Looking for a Therapist. Justme(again) July 8, 2013 at 2:56 pm - Reply I wanted to add I very much look forward to part 3! I find your articles easy to read and I suggested them to my husband. I hope that if he reads this he can really see what I am going through–that poor man puts up with so much of my questions, repetitious comments and avoidance. There should be classes for family members of suffers….wait maybe medals and awards. Jonathan Hershfield July 8, 2013 at 8:31 pm - Reply Thanks! I agree, family members need just as much support and deserve recognition when they are being supportive. In treatment, your husband will have to stop accommodating your compulsions. This can be started by you giving him permission to deny you reassurance. Wagner July 14, 2013 at 2:45 am - Reply Hi Jonathan! I am 27 years old and recently have become prettier. I used to be very thin and sloppy in the past. So I began going to the gym, changed my hair cut and beard, and now I consider myself attractive. But I always had social phobia and rarely could talk to women because of my fear. I only can express myself sexually when I’m on alcohol, at parties and keeping the relationships superficial. But now my sexual interest is almost zero and I’m avoiding my male friends for fear that they think I’m gay or am acting weird. My problem has much to do with social acceptance, with the desire to always look natural, not artificial, interesting. I keep watching myself, like an excess awareness, making sure I’m looking natural in front of others. It’s some kind of paranoia with others looking at me. What can you say about my case? I’m brazilian and really enjoy your articles, thanks for sharing your knowledge. Jonathan Hershfield July 14, 2013 at 3:53 pm - Reply Alo, Wagner. Two things that never work when it comes to social anxiety/HOCD are avoidance and checking (or self-evaluating). When you avoid men for fear that they will think something about you, it tells the brain that whatever you are avoiding must be very dangerous, that the thoughts of other people are knowable, and that these knowable thoughts are very important. All of these things are untrue. When you engage in the kind of checking you describe, constantly evaluating yourself to see if you are being “normal”, it makes you feel mechanical, synthetic, fake. And, guess what? THIS looks weirder than anything weird you might choose to do anyway. My advice is to work on reducing the alcohol intake (it’s a social anxiety compulsion that repeatedly tells your brain that you can’t handle social situations), increase interactions with men, reject mind-reading activities, and purposefully make self-expression choices without reviewing how they are being perceived. This might mean wearing some cool shirt, wearing your hair some different way, purposely looking somewhat groomed to be un-natural, interesting. Let them look. Wagner July 14, 2013 at 8:28 pm - Reply Thanks for your reply Jonathan, it means a lot to me. I think I understood what you proposed. I’ll try to put your advices in practice so I can regain my personality again. It’s like you said, I feel that my true self has been lost in the past and I want it back! hehe I always been a optimistic person, negativity it’s not the problem. I have confidence. What really brings me down its this social paranoia, this need to be perfect. Thanks again.. its nice to have someone to talk about the subject! Crippled July 16, 2013 at 6:38 pm - Reply Hi Dr, Thank you for the post, its very helpful. So are your answers to all the comments. Ive been struggling with what i think is HOCD for the past 4 years now and im going crazy. Ive never been interested in girls sexually or romantically (at least i think so) and ive always dreamt of being with a guy. Im constantly doing a lot of checking and questioning which have led me to 2 main questions that are now drivin me insane: 1) Ive always had intense friendships with some of my female friends (strong feeligs of bonding and intimacy, wanting to cuddle etc) is that normal?or are those signs that im a lesbian? 2) Also ive done a lot of testing where i imagine myself sexually woth other women. I started off being sure i didnt want it. It made me uncomfortable. Nevertheless, it got me aroused. Does being aroused mean that I want to be with women sexually or am i just beig aroused because in essence anything sexual could turn anyone on? If so, what differntiates me from an actual lesbian? Your answer would really help a lot… Jonathan Hershfield July 17, 2013 at 2:07 pm - Reply >>>Im constantly doing a lot of checking and questioning which have led me to 2 main questions that are now drivin me insane: —Since the compulsions of checking and questioning are only resulting in more questions, the goal should be to stop doing compulsions. 1) Ive always had intense friendships with some of my female friends (strong feeligs of bonding and intimacy, wanting to cuddle etc) is that normal?or are those signs that im a lesbian? —This question is a reassurance-seeking compulsion. 2) Also ive done a lot of testing where i imagine myself sexually woth other women. I started off being sure i didnt want it. It made me uncomfortable. Nevertheless, it got me aroused. Does being aroused mean that I want to be with women sexually or am i just beig aroused because in essence anything sexual could turn anyone on? If so, what differntiates me from an actual lesbian? —-This “testing” is a compulsion. The results that occur during this mental ritual are irrelevant. Trying to get certainty about what “differentiates” you from a lesbian is also a compulsion, but I would suggest that lesbians probably don’t spend much effort differentiating themselves from themselves. Crippled July 16, 2013 at 7:07 pm - Reply Imagining myself with a woman dreaks me out. I really dont want to be a lesbian. PLEASE HELP. Jonathan Hershfield July 17, 2013 at 2:10 pm - Reply It sounds like you are putting a lot of effort into testing hypotheses by imagining scenarios that exist exclusively in your mind. I have at times referred to this compulsion as scenario bending. It’s a trap. As for being freaked out by imagining things, you need to look at what freaking out about having thoughts says about how you treat your thoughts. Crippled July 17, 2013 at 9:33 pm - Reply Thank you for getting back to me dr. I know that you’re trying to avoid giving me answers since my questions are compulsions but some answers would really help me…id appreciate it a lot… Jonathan Hershfield July 18, 2013 at 12:59 am - Reply If you are identifying the questions as compulsions, then it is contradictory to state that me answering them would help you. In fact, it would be specifically hurtful to you to have them answered since the problem is one of not accepting uncertainty, as opposed to the problem being related to your sexual orientation. Let me have another go at the questions, see if I can do it without hurting you by participating fully in a compulsion. 1) Ive always had intense friendships with some of my female friends (strong feeligs of bonding and intimacy, wanting to cuddle etc) is that normal?or are those signs that im a lesbian? —My opinion is that it is normal to have feelings for people without them being indicators of sexual desire or orientation. I don’t know what it means for something to be a “sign” that you are lesbian. 2) Also ive done a lot of testing where i imagine myself sexually woth other women. I started off being sure i didnt want it. It made me uncomfortable. Nevertheless, it got me aroused. Does being aroused mean that I want to be with women sexually or am i just beig aroused because in essence anything sexual could turn anyone on? If so, what differntiates me from an actual lesbian? —-Sexual thoughts do cause sexual arousal, even when the sexual thoughts are unpleasant. Being sexually aroused AND enjoying it also does NOT suggest a specific orientation, just a specific experience. Meaning is attributed to this experience that has to do with how you are responding to it, not just having the experience itself. Identifying with an orientation is not exclusive to the presence or absence of sexual arousal. I don’t know how to answer the follow-up question except to say that you don’t seem to identify yourself as a lesbian, so that suggests you are probably not one. Trying to prove it is a compulsion. Crippled July 18, 2013 at 9:04 am - Reply Thank you soooo much!!! That helps a lot! julie July 18, 2013 at 4:52 pm - Reply hi sir i’m a 20 years old girlplease help me i’m really confused i can’t live anymore !!! i suffer from hocd from 6 years !! i always had straight dreams but from 3 months i had 2 gay dreams and i can’t live with any more i’m despreate ..!!! i’m with my boyfreind from 2 years i looooove him !!!! but this dreams kills me !! ok the first dream ( i dreamed that i’m surrounded by two naked girls but i didn’t saw their faces and they proposed me to have sex and it excited me and i woke up extreamly scared. the second is even harder i dreamed that a women i don’t know came to our house than she went out but suddenly i was like rubbing my body on a body without seeing her body or seeing what i’m doing exactly i was happy to be arousal and i said to myself ( finally i’m not cold any more because of this hocd but why i don’t get excited like this with my boyfreind ) and in this minute i realise that she is a women and say to my self ( but what are you doing she is a women ) and in this moment i saw her body because i didn’t see it before in the action and i’m not excited any more !!!!! and i woke up terrified PS : in my straight dreams persons that i dream of really like in reality and excite me in the dream because they are beautiful and sexy or …. but in those dreams i feel like not excited for them or whatever …. i don’t know what to do help me pleaaaaaaaaaaase i can’t live any more Jonathan Hershfield July 21, 2013 at 6:33 pm - Reply Julie, since we cannot control our thoughts, only how we respond to them, it makes very little sense to presume we can control the thoughts that happen while we’re asleep. The problem you are having is not with dreams, which are normal events that occur in the brain. You name it, I’ve either killed it or had sex with it (or both) in a dream at some point! The problem you are having has to do with the way you are responding to these thoughts. By treating them as threatening because they make you uncomfortable, you are actually making the obsession more powerful and the discomfort more overwhelming. Instead of analyzing and trying to figure out the content of your dreams, expect and accept that these thoughts simply happen and treat your ocd with cognitive behavioral therapy instead of analysis. Justin July 20, 2013 at 6:08 am - Reply Very interesting article. It makes so much sense but seems hard to follow through on. I just have a couple questions. I understand that this is just me being OCD about being gay. But that doesn’t necessarily make it go away. I know I’m very attracted to women in my heart. Always have been….. So why does it still not feel as great as it use to looking at girls. I know I’m not gay but it’s like a cloud hovers over ahead every time I picture myself with who I wanna be with…. Girls. I get what your saying. Pretty much don’t argue with being gay? Cause anytime a thought came in its that’s gross…. That’s not me….. In straight. And obviously it made it worse. I guess how do I know if im on the right track. With every thought and feeling do I just say its hocd? And move on? Really it’s only feelings that drives this. A gay thought comes in and it’s panic! Then with every single dude and girl you see it doesn’t feel right. When does it feel right again? With time? because I know thoughts are just thoughts big deal. But do I treat feelings the same? And when do the feelings back off and it doesn’t feel like something’s off with my sexual orientation? Am I trying too hard? Because it felt amazing when I thought about girls before and now I’m just trying to get it back because I know I’m not gay. Jonathan Hershfield July 21, 2013 at 5:51 pm - Reply Justin, it sounds like you are doing a lot of compulsions aimed at trying to prove to yourself that you are straight (including repeatedly stating it in your comment). Since you are already operating on the belief that you are straight, these efforts to prove it, especially in the presence of uncomfortable thoughts and feelings, only confuses your brain into thinking there’s a debate going on. Rather than repeatedly label your unwanted thoughts and feelings as something alien, identify them as what they are – thoughts and feelings. Stop trying to “get back” to something and try to plant yourself in the present. The present happens to include some unwanted thoughts and feelings. Justin July 20, 2013 at 6:31 am - Reply I’m just trying to understand this more and take the right steps. Because you can’t just give up. Im doing much better than I used to be. Before all this the question of am I gay? Didn’t bother me because I would just say to myself no. No worries. No problem. Move on. But after one gay thought relating to the possibility of being gay all hell broke loose. It’s like I went from the straightess dude in the world to the being so insecure. No confidence in who I am. But taking a step back I’m still the same person. I still search for girls, check out girls, and date girls. Nothing changes. But in my mind it’s still such a pointless battle but I have trouble stopping it. You say this OCD topic is about fear of losing yourself. Thats so true it isn’t funny. I’m terrified that I won’t be the same straight person that I used to be. And the thing is…. I know I am. But in my mind… It just doesnt feel right. I wanna have peace in my mind when I think about a girl…. Have it just feel perfect like it used to…. And not have the thought of being with a dude as an option. Cause I severely do not want to be with one. What steps do I take from here? Im not panicking nor am I worried. Im ready to be rid of this and don’t want to fall any deeper. Just trying to grab some more understanding. Jonathan Hershfield July 21, 2013 at 5:53 pm - Reply I’m sure your experience resonates with a lot of other readers here. The best thing you can do is start treating your OCD with a specialist who has experience doing CBT and ERP. Justin July 21, 2013 at 4:19 am - Reply I saw in another comment you were saying to someone that in exposure therapy and response prevention the idea would be to watch a gay porn and leave open options for being gay and enjoying it? That actually works? I don’t doubt that it doesn’t but that just seems odd that thats the key. Because I don’t want the idea of being gay to cloud over in my mind. I don’t think I could bring myself to do that. Anything gay related grosses me out. I know…. Then why am I OCD about this. Because it doesn’t feel right. It feels like I’m kidding myself saying I’m grossed out. But when it comes down to it I’ve never done or seen anything gay related in my life. I just don’t want to. I can’t bring my self to do it. So why does the idea still bother me? Why won’t it start feeling right? Jonathan Hershfield July 21, 2013 at 5:55 pm - Reply Justin, the concept of an idea being able to “cloud” your mind is no different than a compulsive handwasher saying that the presence of a dirty feeling makes them contaminated. Your attempt to “feel right” instead of simply feel what you are feeling are compulsions. This is something you can address in cognitive behavioral therapy with an OCD specialist. Justin July 21, 2013 at 4:38 am - Reply One more quick question….. I was reading another comment you said earlier and it was something like move forward and accept you may be in denial. 1. That’s absolutely terrifying 2. It seems like when you tell yourself something you start to believe it… Which is what I’d be afraid of. That’s why I don’t understand exposure. Accept you might be gay and in denial but what’s to stop you from believing it and doing it? But from your experience that works. I don’t doubt that or what you say at all. It just seems bizarre that everything will resume back to normal if I accept that. I don’t wanna wake up one day and be like I don’t like girls anymore. Jonathan Hershfield July 21, 2013 at 5:59 pm - Reply The idea that telling yourself something leads to you believing it is nonsense. You’ve told me and yourself you’re straight multiple times in these comments alone and yet the HOCD hasn’t magically disappeared. Tell yourself that you’re a kangaroo and see how it affects your jumping skills. If you want to better understand ERP, besides getting treatment, there are several excellent books on the subject. I recommend Jonathan Grayson’s Freedom From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder as a good place to start. It’s clear you have a thirst for effective strategies for beating your disorder, so you deserve to learn the skills for getting well again. Justin July 21, 2013 at 7:26 pm - Reply I guess that makes sense. Yeah I’ll look into it. I appreciate it. Thanks Justin July 21, 2013 at 7:37 pm - Reply So I guess what your saying is words are just words? Telling myself I’m straight is just a word and won’t make me feel straight? Or for that matter telling myself in gay won’t make me feel gay? Theyre just words but the key is how we react when faced with intrusive thoughts and feelings? I think I’m grasping what your saying. Jonathan Hershfield July 22, 2013 at 8:37 pm - Reply Sounds good. Focus on the response and whether it is making the thought seem more important or less important. If you are reviewing, analyzing, and reassuring, then you are telling your brain that this is a thought that is very important and needs to be attended to. If you are acknowledging the presence of a thought, accepting the uncertainty of its meaning, and not doing compulsions, that would suggest to the brain that the subject can be dropped over time. Justin July 23, 2013 at 3:45 am - Reply Huh… So weird that one thought can turn into a monster and take over your whole life to where you can’t function. But the cure is so simple… Don’t give it the time of day. I don’t need to prove and tell myself every five minutes that I’m straight or I’m a guy or whatever it may be. Thanks for the response. Alexandra July 22, 2013 at 2:30 pm - Reply I have issues with worrying just in general that I like girls..I do have unwanted sexual thoughts as well and they can be terrifying..but I do get other thoughts that have nothing to do with anything sexual. I worry that maybe I like girls or I want to date them, I honestly don’t want to be thinking that and I don’t wanna have to marry or date a girl but I keep worrying and something makes it feel almost real, like I keep thinking that OMG I do! But I really don’t want to be thinking that, I get anxiety 🙁 a lot. I hate it. Also I worry about like what my family would think, I have told most of them what is going on but the ones I haven’t told I start to freak out thinking, “I haven’t told them anything, what if I really am gay and when they find out things become different, ” ..for example my uncle, i staed with them for a few days and he was talking about traching me how to drive a standars, and all of a sudden i started thinking “what if i am gay and he finds out and doesnt care about me as much, what if he doesnt want to teach me anymore or even want to be my uncle” i know that my aunt knows about everything and she has probably told him whats going on so he knows, and i also know that he wouldnt care, but i still cant help but worry… then I get scared because I had that worry and I think to myself “that’s what gay people worry about, they worry about what others will think of them, and the social repercussions” then i get scared because I had a few worries like that and then I start to worry that it’s all true and that I am really gay and just in denial or something because I worried about the same thing that gay people worry about. Can people with this kind of ocd worry about other things besides sexual thoughts?? Like in general just worry that they are gay, that they like girls or want to be with a girl, worrying about just other things besides sexual. I do worry about sexual things, a lot!! But I do have these other worries and it makes me scared that maybe other people don’t have these worries and that It means I really am actually gay. I just can’t seem to get away from worrying! If someone says something to me I will go off worrying about that, anything about this and even things that have nothing to do with being gay..like one night I was having (what my mom calls) an “episode” where I was completely freaking out because of my thoughts. I started wishing I could think about anything else and. Not be worrying about being gay, she told me that I was lucky, that some people worry about far worse like killing someone or pedophile thoughts etc. I shrugged it off as nothing but that night when I went to bed I was trying to stop worrying about being gay and what my mum had said popped into my head, and I started going off on worrying if I wanted to hurt someone, my family, I knew for sure that I didn’t want to at alllllll, but that didnt seem to stop me from worrying and thinking OMG maybe it’s real, maybe I do ..which scared the crap out of me….this went on for a few days but the whole time I was still worrying about being gay! When I would worry about the other thing and not being gay it would almost go away, but at the same time I would ask myself “am I gay or straight?” ndi still couldn’t find an answer which really scared me because I was hopping that because I was worrying about something else that my other fear would go away completely. It didnt but as soon as i started worrying about the gay thing again i stopped worrying about wanting to hurt my family, i knew i didnt want to hurt them. now I’m scared that because i didnt stop worrying about being gay t, like i stopped worrying about hurting someone, hat it means I really am gay… I am seeing an ocd specialist right now, I went on Thursday for the first time, and I’m going on Monday to start the therapy or treatment I think. I really want it to help but they told me that in order for it to work that I need to believe it will and I need to be wanting to do it. I’m not sure if I can do that’s, I really want this to go away but all of these worries feel so real and it scares me because if it feels real I don’t understand how it can all go away with just someone talking to me! I have talked to most of my family constantly for the past 3 and a half months and they haven’t helped , ant least not for longer than an hour or so… Do you have any suggestions on how I can go in with the right frame of mind? Like how can I tell myself that it will work? :s I really want it to, I want to be strait and to know that I am, but I don’t know how to think and believe that they will help me, I’m so scared that they won’t be able to 🙁 Alexandra July 22, 2013 at 2:41 pm - Reply Oops sorry for all the spelling mistakes, I’m on my ipad. I just in general really wan to know what can I do to make this go away? …some days I can say no I don’t wanna be with a girl, or no I don’t want to have sex with a girl…but then the next moment I’m thinking “we’ll maybe I do” or OMG I think I do but I don’t want to …or ..it feels real but I don’t want it to be!! I don’t want to like girls I don’t want to have to be with a girl or even think that I want to ..I get so much anxiety. Please do you have any suggestions of things that I can do on my own, I will be seeing the ocd specialist, ( who also told me that it is ocd, but for some reason I still don’t know how to believe here and stop worrying) but I want to try to stop this on my own too..I have a week before I go and I don’t want any of my worries to get worse 🙁 Jonathan Hershfield July 22, 2013 at 8:46 pm - Reply Stop trying to figure it out and accept that not having it all figured out makes you uncomfortable for now. Jonathan Hershfield July 22, 2013 at 8:45 pm - Reply >>>>I have issues with worrying just in general that I like girls.. —Worrying is a compulsion to assume control over something that cannot be controlled. Worrying about liking something doesn;t make much sense since you cannot control what you like, only what you do with the experience of liking it. >>>I do have unwanted sexual thoughts as well and they can be terrifying..but I do get other thoughts that have nothing to do with anything sexual. I worry that maybe I like girls or I want to date them, I honestly don’t want to be thinking that —If your efforts are spent telling yourself that you should not be thinking something, what do you think is the result? If thoughts are thoughts, not threats, then it does not matter what you happen to think about. >>>and I don’t wanna have to marry or date a girl but I keep worrying and something makes it feel almost real, like I keep thinking that OMG I do! But I really don’t want to be thinking that, I get anxiety a lot. I hate it. Also I worry about like what my family would think, I have told most of them what is going on but the ones I haven’t told I start to freak out thinking, “I haven’t told them anything, what if I really am gay and when they find out things become different, ” ..for example my uncle, i staed with them for a few days and he was talking about traching me how to drive a standars, and all of a sudden i started thinking “what if i am gay and he finds out and doesnt care about me as much, what if he doesnt want to teach me anymore or even want to be my uncle” i know that my aunt knows about everything and she has probably told him whats going on so he knows, and i also know that he wouldnt care, but i still cant help but worry… then I get scared because I had that worry and I think to myself “that’s what gay people worry about, they worry about what others will think of them, and the social repercussions” then i get scared because I had a few worries like that and then I start to worry that it’s all true and that I am really gay and just in denial or something because I worried about the same thing that gay people worry about. —These are common concerns people have with OCD. Excessively reviewing them makes them more problematic. >>>Can people with this kind of ocd worry about other things besides sexual thoughts?? Like in general just worry that they are gay, that they like girls or want to be with a girl, worrying about just other things besides sexual. —It is common in OCD to pbsess about more than one thing and/or various aspects of one thing. >>>I do worry about sexual things, a lot!! But I do have these other worries and it makes me scared that maybe other people don’t have these worries and that It means I really am actually gay. —Sounds like OCD. >>>I just can’t seem to get away from worrying! If someone says something to me I will go off worrying about that, anything about this and even things that have nothing to do with being gay..like one night I was having (what my mom calls) an “episode” where I was completely freaking out because of my thoughts. I started wishing I could think about anything else and. Not be worrying about being gay, she told me that I was lucky, that some people worry about far worse like killing someone or pedophile thoughts etc. I shrugged it off as nothing but that night when I went to bed I was trying to stop worrying about being gay and what my mum had said popped into my head, and I started going off on worrying if I wanted to hurt someone, my family, I knew for sure that I didn’t want to at alllllll, but that didnt seem to stop me from worrying and thinking OMG maybe it’s real, maybe I do ..which scared the crap out of me….this went on for a few days but the whole time I was still worrying about being gay! When I would worry about the other thing and not being gay it would almost go away, but at the same time I would ask myself “am I gay or straight?” ndi still couldn’t find an answer which really scared me because I was hopping that because I was worrying about something else that my other fear would go away completely. It didnt but as soon as i started worrying about the gay thing again i stopped worrying about wanting to hurt my family, i knew i didnt want to hurt them. now I’m scared that because i didnt stop worrying about being gay t, like i stopped worrying about hurting someone, hat it means I really am gay… —Again, I think you need to recognize that what you are calling “worrying” is really a mental ritual designed to give you a sense of certainty about the likelihood of your fears coming true. It’s a trap. >>>I am seeing an ocd specialist right now, I went on Thursday for the first time, and I’m going on Monday to start the therapy or treatment I think. I really want it to help but they told me that in order for it to work that I need to believe it will and I need to be wanting to do it. I’m not sure if I can do that’s, I really want this to go away but all of these worries feel so real and it scares me because if it feels real I don’t understand how it can all go away with just someone talking to me! I have talked to most of my family constantly for the past 3 and a half months and they haven’t helped , ant least not for longer than an hour or so… Do you have any suggestions on how I can go in with the right frame of mind? Like how can I tell myself that it will work? :s I really want it to, I want to be strait and to know that I am, but I don’t know how to think and believe that they will help me, I’m so scared that they won’t be able to —First, that’s fantastic that you’re seeing an ocd specialist. That alone suggests that some part of you understands what’s really going on here. The thing to remember is that the feeling of “realness” is not an indicator of reality. It’s a feeling. Feelings aren’t facts. I think what you really need to accept is that at some point, you are going to have accept the uncertainty of whether or not treatment will work and basically just do what the therapist suggests even if your OCD is telling you otherwise. This is very challenging, but it’s ultimately what will allow you to fight your OCD. Jeremy July 22, 2013 at 9:19 pm - Reply Hi Jon, I have been treated for HOCD with a specialist (not a lot of ERP though), and it it went away, since I also got into a relationship. However, as soon as that relationship ended (she broke up with me, I still loved her) the HOCD came back, which was also a past experience with dating girls. When that didn’t work out, the OCD returned. The OCD is fully back now, depending on the days. How come it keeps coming back so strong? One would expect that I learned to deal with it. Jonathan Hershfield July 23, 2013 at 12:29 am - Reply Sounds unlikely that you did much about the obsession without doing much ERP. More likely is that being in a relationship provided you with some combination of distraction and reassurance that you were less focused on mental review. Learning to deal with it necessitates doing enough exposure that when you have the thoughts, your response is not analysis and other compulsions. Justin July 25, 2013 at 5:49 am - Reply So I took your advice on the book you recommended. Very interesting. Focuses on accepting uncertainty such as I might die today, might be raped, or with everyone’s fear on the web page I might be gay. Accept what comes into my mind. There might be a day I wake up and wanna kiss the best looking dude I see. I understand that. But now I don’t think my problem is waking up gay. I think my ultimate fear over all of this is I don’t want to wake up one day and not like girls anymore. I said this earlier but the more I think about it that’s the main issue. I don’t have a problem with a thought coming in when im alone with a dude going what if I kissed him? I used to very much but it’s just a thought and on top of that if I did it I just realize that it’s not for me and that doesn’t mean I’m doomed to live a gay life now. Lol because I love girls. Always have. But…. What if I wake up and decide I don’t like girls anymore? It doesn’t feel like it used to with girls because I think im focused on it too much. Not that it’s bad it feels right… But it feels like a need to do a compulsion. So I guess how do I attack this? It’s all so confusing. Accept i might not like girls one day but I do like girls? Sounds stupid I know. But I severely don’t want to wake up not liking girls anymore. Im very attracted to and love the girl in with. How do I look at this? Jonathan Hershfield July 26, 2013 at 9:23 pm - Reply This is a common and pervasive issue for people with HOCD, the fear of losing interest in something that seems so much at the core of your identity. But if effort is put into feeling certain that something will not be lost, it will always feel like it is slipping away. Matt July 26, 2013 at 12:32 am - Reply I’m a 27 yr old male that has been in an off and on relationship with my partner for 8 years its been good at times but very bad at times as well.. We recently separated and things got ugly I couldn’t see my child and she was very abusive . I love away from my family and only moved to where we are living 2 years prior so as Icahn imagine everyday I was stressed and could not shake the anxiety everyday. I worried myself into thinking I was going to have a stroke at any minute and could hardly sleep at all.. I went to docs he said stress as a couple of days passed my girl went away for a week I was feeling ok till the day of her return I kept getting really tight chest and butterflies .. We had a big fight that night and that was that… At work my boss always likes to joke with gay things the next thing I new I was totally confused and so worried I was gay it has not passed in a week I have never got groinal response from man and still don’t .. Also my mum turned gay 10 years ago it didn’t effect me to much because she was never around as a child.. Please help someone ????? Jonathan Hershfield July 26, 2013 at 10:24 pm - Reply Hi Matt, the combination of health anxiety and this HOCD fear of “turning” gay sounds like an overriding fear that something will go terribly wrong that you can’t control. Since your relationship stressors also seem out of control, it makes sense that these types of obsessions would flare up. While it would be helpful to seek out ways to reduce the stress exacerbating your condition, I would also recommend getting cognitive behavioral therapy from someone who understands anxiety and ocd. Matt July 27, 2013 at 1:35 am - Reply Thanks a lot mate great words.. Was really starting to get worried I was not eating constantly checking for groinal response, dry mouth and getting really depressed…. I definitely need to reduce stress but in a really tight spot at the moment .. Didn’t think I was an OCD type but now I look back I can understand why.. This condition gets u so confused . I actually started to think I had schizophrenia last night and started googling symptoms…. Jonathan Hershfield July 27, 2013 at 11:25 pm - Reply Matt, stay off of google if you know what’s good for you! Matt July 28, 2013 at 12:46 am - Reply Yeah I will do its just to hard not to .. Like I said I have been attracted to women my hole life I’m 27 I have been in a relationship with a girl for 9 years I have never had trouble ever getting aroused over her or any girl it’s just so weird why this is happening ???? Really getting me down . The docs told me I have anxiety big time but I shouldn’t be going through this at my age… Could pocd lead to this because I have doubted us staying together for a while .. ???? Jonathan Hershfield July 29, 2013 at 1:41 am - Reply Matt, what does age have to with this? Also, did you mean ROCD (relationship obsessions)? If so, it’s not unusual for people who obsess about the authenticity or quality of relationships to also have a secondary obsession that the relationship can’t work because of some feared issue with sexual orientation. Matt July 29, 2013 at 2:26 am Sorry didn’t mean to confuse u with the age thing u was just asking why if through my hole life I haven’t had this before for it to be happening now ??. Jonathan Hershfield July 30, 2013 at 5:43 pm Because now you are doing compulsions in response to your fearful thoughts. Justme(back again) July 29, 2013 at 2:31 pm - Reply Hello, I left a message back on the 8th of July. Since then I have found a (so far) very good doctor to help me with this OCD I have been having. Just knowing that he maybe able to help me has made me feel better…for a while. On my second visit we did an in depth OCD checklist, forms and a billion questions. One of them was something like “Do you have reoccurring thoughts and fears of being gay or becoming gay?” and I just about fell over. He asked it and I had to say it out loud! Oh god..out loud?! He mentioned that exposure to my fears, exposure to my thoughts would be the key to overcoming this and that just scared me. I have to wait 3 weeks till my next appointment and he mentioned this at the end. I walked out a little panicky but each day that passes makes me more panicked. I keep with the fear of if its always in my face what if I just give in, isn’t that “exposure” teaching me to accept what I am afraid I am but feel I am not. If I am offered a drink of water every 5 minutes but do not feel thirsty I would eventually accept the water. Hey, who knows… I guess I could be thirsty and drink that glass of water! I get such fear, panic and I constantly check my response to any female that might even be considered attractive in anyway…well, I guess I check with all females. I find that I try to “compensate” by looking at men and checking the same way…just to be dealt a fear and panic of do I get the same response from this man, who is good looking as a woman who is good looking. I feel trapped by things that I cannot stop and cannot control. Before this I could look at a photo of a woman in a swimsuit and not see her womanly features and feel that “ping” of (maybe?) arousal, I would see a woman in a swimsuit that may or may not be cute or what ever. I would barely notice the woman, I would see the advertised swimsuit– I might envy her airbrushed skin but nothing like whats happening. Does America realize how over sexualized ads, tv shows, movies and daily life is? Why are there scantly dressed women everywhere, why are tv shows mainly about sex, why are ads for beer women jumping up and down hitting a ball. I feel like I am surrounded and being force fed perfect women bodies, I noticed this before but never had that “ping” felling and was never scared that I was sexually attracted to them. I am so tired, this is taking up so much of my life. I am so scared that I will accept this new lifestyle that is being shoved down my throat. I don’t want to, but I think my body does. What the hell is this “groinal response”, is it proof, it is lies, is it fake? I am scared that because I have googled what I was unsure of in the beginning and read others stories that my mind is forming the perfect hocd pattern to hide that I am gay. My mind is turning inanimate objects into feminine body parts instantly. A pair of scissors is (before I can even think about it) turned into a smooth pair of female legs and “ping” something happens in my body. I cannot eat an ice-cream cone, I cannot even move my tongue when I hear the word lick. If I move it that sexual activity comes to mind, if I move it that means I want to do that. So here I am for hours not able to move my tongue, feeling like I will choke on it and panicked over that thought. This OCD is truly painful, its life altering and its very damaging to what I thought I was. I have never felt this much emotional pain. Its ongoing but for me to calm down I have to check, research about reactions, avoid women and all that. I am seriously scared that deep down I am a lesbian who “stole” hocd symptoms and is playing them off as mine. Now I feel the need to combat that statement with 50 reasons why that’s not true, 50 reasons why I am straight and not gay. Oh and what happens if because I said that it puts it in your mind as full proof I am really a lesbian? Before whats happening to me now I could say that I love Charlize Theron, that she is one of the most beautiful women out there, but now its like I have to say “no woman is beautiful, no woman is attractive!” because if I thought that they were its proof. Ocd seems to be quite the vicious little bug. It seems that its powerful, because we are weak and let it take over our bodies, minds and lives. I feel such empathy for everyone else suffering, but seriously what the heck is going on with us. Jonathan Hershfield July 30, 2013 at 7:36 pm - Reply Happy to hear you found an ocd therapist and I hope they can help you navigate your disorder. Don’t forget that all the “checking” you are doing is the problem, not the solution. As for sex in advertising, that’s not new. The amount of advertising and the quality of the image is all that’s really changed. When you have OCD, it’s common to get tunnel vision, or to selectively pull things from your environment from your environment that relate to your obsession and make it seem like it’s trying to tell you something. If you had Harm OCD, you’d be telling me how awful it is that so many shows involve murder. Do the work your ocd therapist asks. And tell yourself you love how beautiful Charlize Theron is. Bob Thompson July 29, 2013 at 9:24 pm - Reply Hi John, thanks for your insight, it is very much appreciated. I have struggled with this theme for some time, and have done much better, but I have one question. In the above article, you referenced identifying the obsessive thoughts as “another hocd thought”. I fear that this can be reassuring in nature but my natural instinct is to agree with this assessment. You then answered a question about brain lock stating that Schwartz was more quick to label those thoughts as ocd thoughts when in reality, everyone has these bizarre thoughts. I have to deal with those intrusive thoughts and images and they still disturb me that I get them. Not so much where I need to agree with them anymore as a form of erp, but I also don’t want to label them as “hocd thoughts” either bc it is reassuring. Since, they are less frequent, but still there, what would you recommend I do? Thanks for the response. Jonathan Hershfield July 30, 2013 at 7:39 pm - Reply Bob, I agree that it gets into somewhat murky territory when you start labeling thoughts as being “HOCD” or otherwise. Thoughts are thoughts, that’s all. The point I am trying to make is that you are better off acknowledging the presence of these thoughts and viewing them as “another” in a series of typical thoughts instead of unique and worthy of special attention. I would suggest you simply notice when you are having a thought with this content, accept that it is the thought going through your head, and do as little as possible in response that might suggest it is especially interesting or worth responding to. Bob July 31, 2013 at 6:50 pm - Reply Thanks John. One more thing. When this first started for me, I would get tremendously uncomfortable and jolted with anxiety when seeing “gay” people or good looking men. I used to imagine myself being intimate with them and would get a feeling of not liking it/disgust as a compulsion. Now that I am going through a regimented program, that has ceased. However, I now get the same thing now when seeing good looking women. I guess it is a warning to tell me to do something to prove I am still attracted to them. But, I am not sure why I am getting it. My fear is that this could mean I am gay bc now I get this sensation when seeing women instead of men. When writing this, I realize that the fear is still ocd driven (fear this could mean I am gay). Have you heard of symptoms like these before and would you recommend that I encourage my brain to bring on more of these jolts/feelings when seeing women bc this means I am gay as a form of erp? Thanks and I look forward to your reply. Jonathan Hershfield August 2, 2013 at 11:56 pm - Reply Hi Bob, it sounds like the OCD has simply changed its attack point from “what if I’m attracted to men?��� to “what if there’s something off about my attraction to women?” It’s a trap. The answer to both questions is accepting uncertainty, not doing compulsions, making choices in life and accepting the consequences of those choices when they are present. You could do ERP to purposefully triggering “bad” feelings in response to women and/or you might do some imaginal scripting on the idea that you have lost your ability to be heterosexual the “right” way and that these responses are evidence. Jen August 3, 2013 at 6:02 pm - Reply Hi Jonathan. I just want to say thank you for your articles! I can’t wait for the third. They are the clearest that I have come across about Sexual Orientation OCD and your sections on gay in the moment and I’m even gayer than that made me smile and in a way brought some peace to my mind. I had this type of OCD and through medication and counselling I got better, I have relapsed this year and I’m on medication again and awaiting CBT treatment. I just want to say for those who have left comments in distress that it can and does get better. Thanks again. Jonathan Hershfield August 3, 2013 at 10:37 pm - Reply Jen, thanks so much for the feedback and I’m happy the articles are helpful for you! And I appreciate you letting others know here that people do get better. Part 3 is already up, you can read it at http://ocdspecialists.com/2013/07/hocd-sexual-orientation-ocd-part-three-the-groinal-response/. kate August 4, 2013 at 6:06 pm - Reply hi can you help me please i suffer from hocd from 7 years i havea huge probleme i’m going die one day i was watching a movie suddenly a men kisses his wife’s toes , i suddenly remembered that when i was 8 and my brother 6 he always kissed my toes ( childhood games ) so i said why i don’t try to imagine a woman leg and star kising her toes and see if i’m excited or not just to be calm and this idea won’t hunt me .. so i started and trying to do the exact moves that my brother were doing to me while imaging the toes where in my mouth and suddenly i feel arousal whyyyyyyy please ??? i never liker women legs never want to do it !!!! i feel that i’m going to die …. Jonathan Hershfield August 4, 2013 at 9:27 pm - Reply Hi Kate, I’m not clear on why you are engaging in this ritual, supposedly for self-reassurance, but in any case this type of behavior is always going to backfire. Creating hypothetical scenarios for the purpose of testing your reaction not only fuels your obsessive fears but also makes the reaction totally unreliable anyway. You feel arousal because you feel arousal. Probably the most likely reason is you are trying not to. The bigger issue is that you are clinging to the distorted notion that being aroused by the idea of a woman’s leg has something to do with sexual orientation. In any case, I would discourage you from acting out pieces of theater like this for your OCD to latch onto. silvano August 7, 2013 at 10:06 pm - Reply Hi, I have always considered myself as heterosexual but i have always had intrusive gay/transvestic/transexual thoughts. The thoughts usually come during the night or early morning when i wake up. They are not dreams, since i’m awake, may be just a little confused by dreams, actually often the thoughts start in a dream and continue when i wake up from the dream. Lately the thoughts are not very frequent but when present it has happened that they led me to masturbate with those thoughts, and this made me feel bad after. The thoughts themselves are not necessarily a problem for me, I can accept that ‘thoughts are just thoughts’. I have read various suggestions to not try to suppress the thought when it comes, and it seems this has made things go better. Anyway i’m still worried about the possibility that the thought comes again and excites me to a level it leads me to masturbate. The problem in my view is not much the thought but the action that may follow (though it is a masturbation activity and not an activity with other men) So from my point of view i would like to know if, when the thought comes, the only thing to do is ‘do nothing’ or better options exist. silvano August 7, 2013 at 10:35 pm - Reply My last sentence is unclear. I’ve read that when having unwanted thoughts it’s better not to try to suppress them, not try to judge them, not to check yourself for arousal. So it is suggested to avoid to do some things. Clearly someone who is worried about the possibility to act on the thoughts asks himself if suggestions are all there (more or less), if they are all things to avoid to do or other suggestions exist Jonathan Hershfield August 7, 2013 at 11:04 pm - Reply Silvano, the key to healthy living is acceptance of the present. If you are analyzing why you had arousal, you are living in the past. If you are analyzing whether you could be gay, you are living in the future. Your question if I understand it, is about whether a person should be concerned about actions. I believe people are in control of their actions. If you choose to masturbate to an arousing thought, I think you should own that choice and not spend much effort trying to sort out what it means. If you choose not to masturbate to an arousing thought, that is also a choice you can own. The idea that masturbating to something will automatically make you start having sex with men doesn’t make sense to me. If it were true, all men who watched porn would also use prostitutes. Rita August 8, 2013 at 6:08 pm - Reply English is not my native language, so I’m sorry for my mistakes. I just wanted to say that I’m sufering from these thoughts for about a month now. I have a boyfriend, I love him very much but still I can’t get theses thougts of my head. I feel so tired now, I can’t work, I can’t rest, I’m constatly nervous. I’m very happy that the first thing I googled was your articles about this disorder, it calmed me for a while and I’m not so scarred to go see the therapist. Thank you 🙂 Jonathan Hershfield August 11, 2013 at 8:47 pm - Reply Hi Rita, happy to hear the articles were helpful and sorry to hear you are suffering so. Trying to get thoughts out of your head is a strategy that does not work. Thoughts go through us, not in and out. The goal should be to accept the presence of unwanted thoughts as they pass by and not get in their way. Seeing a therapist may be scary, but it may also help you if you can find someone who knows how to treat ocd. Aaron August 11, 2013 at 7:47 pm - Reply Wow , thank you soo much for this article !!! I have been battling this for 5 months now. Sad part is I am crazy in love with my girlfriend , we were forced to be apart for one year, 8 months in and I got this , it’s been hard because not only do I constantly worry about turning gay but I also worry my girlfriend is not right because I have lost all feelings , yet I couldn’t be without her. I realized that its my ocd and told her everything . I’m still with her and I’m not giving up, I see her next week and its scary to not know what I am, I spend way to much time obsessing and not enough time enjoying my girlfriend . I also find myself trying to avoid sex all the time because last time we had it , I didn’t enjoy it as much and I was worried the whole time thinking it was because I was gay. Reading articles like this give me hope. I have good and bad days but I am slowly improving . I’m trying to focus on my job more because I was so scared I would get attracted to my co workers that I hid in the bathroom and researched for reinsurance that I was straight. It’s really hard to not check or try to think about woman compulsively but I hope to get treatment soon. Thanks for giving hocd suffers hope that they can get the life that they enjoyed back. Jonathan Hershfield August 11, 2013 at 8:39 pm - Reply Hi Aaron, one of the tricks the ocd is using against you is getting you avoid things that make you uncomfortable. This results in a reduced tolerance for discomfort, making the initial problem even worse. So the fact that your last sexual experience was less than enjoyable is a bad reason to avoid it. Instead, you should go ahead and have sex and purposely accept that it may not be very good right now. Once you have demonstrated to your brain that you can commit to behaviors even in the presence of unwanted thoughts, it will no longer allow the ocd to use the unwanted thoughts to disrupt those behaviors. Now go have some mediocre sex! Aaron August 11, 2013 at 10:33 pm - Reply Thanks I’m gonna try to, it’s been tough because my anxiety is really bad and it feels like there is no hope, I feel like a complete alien and do not feel like me at all. I hope I can get treatment before everything I work so hard for dissapears because of this OCD . I’m suffering really bad right now Aaron August 12, 2013 at 1:52 am - Reply I am also freaking myself out when I see people saying hocd doesn’t exist and I freak myself out when I here story’s about Ellen degeneris coming out, I fear that that could happen to me, but in reality she never felt like she was truly straight , as for me , I never questioned it and aways felt comfortable with being strait. I wish people would post stuff like that because when I see it my head goes crazy. Jonathan Hershfield August 12, 2013 at 5:13 pm - Reply Aaron, a few things you need to be aware of in order to get better… First, you are using the internet as a compulsion. There’s nothing wrong with reading some articles and getting some useful info. But my guess is you are sifting through the web looking for reassurance at this point, and that is sending a message to your brain that there is a big important debate going on about your sexual orientation and not just some ocd junk. Often times the first thing I have to ask my clients to do is stop reading my articles. The other thing you need to remember is that it is irrelevant what other people say. It is impossible to know their motivations because it is impossible to read their minds. Someone tried to post a comment on this very blog recently about how HOCD is silly because there is no such thing as homosexuality. People can say HOCD doesn’t exist, OCD doesn’t exist, praying to the flying spaghetti monster is the only treatment that works, etc etc etc. It’s irrelevant. Finally, you have to label the mental review of other people’s “coming out stories” as a compulsion. Ellen is Ellen. Whether she always knew she was gay or just woke up one more morning under a pile of lesbians, it doesn’t matter. She’s another person and that provides no information about who you are. So comparing yourself to people only serves as a compulsion. This shows up in Harm OCD a lot, by the way, in which sufferers will scour the web researching serial killers looking for similarities and differences to prove they would never be that way. It’s a trap. Bret walters December 11, 2013 at 8:51 am - Reply My sister, 30 year old female, smart girl, thinks planets (yes…planets) don’t exist. On a serious note, thanks for this post Jon, I am guilty of the Googling and researching for hours on end. In fact thats what I’m doing now. Need to stop this behavior. Jonathan Hershfield December 11, 2013 at 8:02 pm - Reply Well, they may not, but then I may not exist either. If you’re reading this, you should stop. Aaron August 12, 2013 at 11:12 pm - Reply Thanks , it’s been hard because it feels soo real!!! It’s really hard to deal with because it is affecting my relationship . Also it really sucks because I lost my viginity to my girlfriend , but I came down with this a week before and didn’t know what it was. So the whole time I was freaked out thinking I could be gay . It’s been really bad ever since because it was hard to even kiss her because the anxiety was crazy bad. But before the OCD I was soo happy and every kiss with her turned me on soo much. But ever since I can’t feel my love for her and it adds to the anxiety . How can I help get my life back ? Jonathan Hershfield August 14, 2013 at 11:13 pm - Reply You have to stop checking to see if your love for her is sincere. That’s like trying to tickle yourself. It automatically makes it feel synthetic. Work on accepting your thoughts and feelings as they are in the moment, without debate. Though this may mean experiencing some anxiety, it is the only way to reduce the obsession. Otherwise, it’s just more compulsions. Aaron August 14, 2013 at 11:24 am - Reply It’s been hard and I never feel turned on anymore because I always feel sick to my stomac and I feel drained. Is that a part of hocd to? Jonathan Hershfield August 14, 2013 at 11:14 pm - Reply It’s a common sign of anxiety and/or depression, with or without hocd. Claire August 26, 2013 at 12:24 pm - Reply Great article, I really wish this is my case. I apologize in advance for my mistakes, but English is not my mothertongue. I’m 28 and I’ve never had a boyfriend. I’ve been dealing with this HOCD for ten years now… Here’s my story: At 18 I went to a party and noticed a girl: I came back home and got some serious anxiety. I couldn’t sleep that night and talked to my parents immediately about it. I’ve never thought about being gay before, it seemed something so far away from me. I’ve always liked boys and had fantasies about them (people I knew or Celebrities/Tvshow characters). From that point I started obsessing, thinking I could be aroused by my classmates… I couldn’t look at magazines nor watch Dawson’s Creek (you know when Jack came out!). Talked to my GP who said it was just an obsession. I had a strong crush on a guy at that time! Flashforward a few years I got anxiety again: went to see a psychologist who once again said it was just an obsession and fear to be alone… It happened again two years ago when I was finishing my master and entering the work world: talked to a psyco once and he told me to let my thoughts go away and stopped ruminating (?). But that lingering feeling is always there: I get anxiety everytime I see some same-sex scene on tv, when I meet some lesbians… Recently a friend of mine I hadn’t seen in a year came out and now I can’t stop thinking about it. I’ve been in love with a guy for several years and he recently got married… Everytime I see him (he’s one of my bestfriend) I have “butterflies”, but then I start thinking “What if it’s just denial? What if I’m repressing?”. I went on holidays with him (and his wife + other friends) and I truly enjoyed the moments we spent alone, dreaming he would kiss me. I’ve always dreamt of having a family with a man, I’m very girly and love romantic movies/books/films with cute actors. My parents say they know me better than myself and they would know. They think I’m trying to get over the married guy (whom they know) by having these thoughts… Right now I’m at work and have a lesbian colleague: so anxious! I don’t have problems with gay boys, as we enjoy the same stuff (clothes, gossip…). Every time I meet someone new I’m afraid they think I’m gay or that I could fall in love with them! I had 4 therapy sessions recently: my therapist suggested I write down every thoughts in order to detach them from me. He also said he doesn’t think I’m gay, that I’m just lacking experience in the love department. I was always too focused on school and on finding my prince charming, that I didn’t try anything with anyone. He suggested I did some sports or cooking classes to meet people and to stop thinking about that married guy, Jonathan Hershfield August 27, 2013 at 2:25 am - Reply Hi Claire, thanks for sharing your story. I’ve seen many people who for one reason or another (mostly anxiety or getting stuck on unrealistic relationships) never managed to connect with another person enough to form a relationship. As they watch their peers pairing up, they start wondering if there is something “wrong” with them. If they have OCD, it is always happy to provide an answer to that question! Your family has an interesting theory, that you are obsessing about homosexuality in an attempt to get over your fixation on this unavailable man. But my guess is you would have this obsession anyway (or some other obsession), so the area you need to focus on is treating the OCD. I’m not sure what your therapist means when it is suggested to write down the thoughts for the purpose of detaching from them. Writing them down may be helpful, but the main objective needs to be accepting that they are thoughts, that they exist, and that there is always uncertainty about what they mean. Rather than trying to resolve this uncertainty, you should be investing your attention in more meaningful things. BT August 26, 2013 at 10:18 pm - Reply Is ROCD real? Are feelings about someone you care about that are either or wanted or unwanted and making sure of what I am feeling something that qualifies as rocd? Jonathan Hershfield August 27, 2013 at 2:30 am - Reply You would probably benefit from a more thorough assessment, but having treated people with relationship obsessions many times, I would attest to it being something real. BT August 27, 2013 at 6:48 pm - Reply Thanks for the response. I have been dx with OCD in the past and have been told that OCD can bounce to different topics. It appears to now attached to my significant other and whether or not i am with the right person. I think sometimes i have feelings that i want and others that i don’t want and feel pretty sure about them, but then compulsively analyze them to ensure i am feeling the way that i want or don’t want. It is tough to tell sometimes if i actually feel the way i do which in turn then makes me analyze it and then want to do something about it. Does that make sense? Sorry to be vague, but i guess to sum it up, i am just trying to be sure that i feel the way i think i feel? Jonathan Hershfield August 29, 2013 at 10:57 pm - Reply Emotion-checking is the major culprit in relationship obsessions. The problem is that the act of checking and testing your emotions automatically makes them appear synthetic or forced. You then end up comparing these invented feelings (that you brought up just to check) against the real, spontaneous feelings you feel and see them as coming up short. the key is to simply accept the way things feel moment to moment and not allow emotional reasoning to compel you toward OCD behaviors. In other words, just be present in the relationship as it is, even if this coincides with feelings that are inconsistent. You can’t be sure you feel the way you think you feel. Trying to do the impossible does not lead to improvement. Instead, act as if you have what you want already. I am writing this email from Los Angeles, where an earthquake could destroy me at any moment. My current behavior indicates that I am ok with this. SY September 1, 2013 at 11:34 pm - Reply hi jon, im not gonna sit here and write everything in detail….im here suffering HOCD (i hope) it all started from having ED on a few occasions.. i googled and read up over 500 posts and forums such as (porn induced ed) (HOCD) etc….. all my life ive been attracted to women and had a very high sex drive… YES i have abused porn and masturbated to extreme fetishes such as tranny/gay porn… why??? (i dont know) ever since this ed started to happen i panicked and googled all symptoms,, i went to the doctor and he ruled out physical problems and said i had a mental block… THEN THE HOCD HIT…. i had severe anxiety attacks started vomitting, reading up on denial forums and forums saying i should quit porn and masturbation for months to rewire my brain… im so stressed and depressed, i constantly checked and asked questions, i dont feel aroused by women anymore and these voices in my head are there from the moment i wake up to the moment i sleep…. IT DRIVES ME CRAZY,,, !! today is the main problem….. i woke up with hardly any anxiety and EXTREMELY tired… but with a feeling of acceptance and im gay!! theres a voice in the back of my head telling me this is what i want and its normal??? im scared that im coming out as gay…. but i dont like men!!!!!! 🙁 i want to fall for women again and have that feeling and attraction i have always had… why all of a sudden this feels right???? is this normal? Jonathan Hershfield September 2, 2013 at 12:47 am - Reply Hi SY, thanks for sharing your story. It’s not unusual for men with anxiety to experience ED and for that ED to be used as fuel for an obsession about sexual orientation. It’s also not unusual for people engaged in a painful battle with uncertainty to start telling themselves they are gay, primarily as a strategy for relieving the pain associated with doubt. I’m not an expert on pornography addiction, but it does sound like too much time spent viewing it may be contributing to your anxiety. In any case, to beat the obsession, some things will have to be stopped. The checking and the reassurance seeking (especially the googling) should be at the top of the list. The best way to tackle this would be a structured course of CBT with someone who specializes in treating OCD. James September 3, 2013 at 4:16 am - Reply I was diagnosed officially with this form of OCD about 2 weeks ago. It’s been an issue in my life for almost 20 years and I never had a name for the problem. I’ve lost my friends due to my behaviour which caused rumours floating around about me about being a homosexual. Then I lost my wife and she took our son with her. That was 3 years ago. Now I am alone and feel isolated and alone in a world of “normal” people. I hate myself and the only thing that has kept me from killing myself is thinking of what that would do to my son. One of my compulsions is thinking about what life would be like living with a man and coming home from work saying “honey I’m home!”. I just can’t see it being my future so it calms me down for the moment and I carry on with life, waiting until my next “spike” of the gayness. I have a longing in me to meet a woman to fall in love with, but I’m afraid she won’t understand this problem and I will get rejected. Or, even worse, I won’t tell her I have this problem and lie all the time about how I’m feeling. This is utter hell. Jonathan Hershfield September 5, 2013 at 12:11 am - Reply Hi James, it sounds like you have lost a lot to your OCD. I’ve treated a few people who went decades with this obsession without really understanding it was just OCD. It’s never too late to demand to be well again. What are you doing for treatment to get your life back? Eleazar September 9, 2013 at 7:55 am - Reply Dear Dr Hershfield, This is an interesting article that you wrote. I identified with a lot of what you wrote as I had HOCD for a long time, but after speaking to some gay men online I came to the conclusion that I am not gay. I see that you only give two options at the end of your article: (1) the HOCD sufferer either accepts that he is straight and employs cognitive behavioural therapy (tools) to subdue the OCD or (2) he lives his whole life living with the OCD. There is a third option: the person accepts that he is gay. What do you say about this third option? Kind regards, Eleazar Jonathan Hershfield September 9, 2013 at 8:37 pm - Reply Third option makes sense if he is gay. I don’t think “the HOCD sufferer accepts that he is straight” is an accurate reflection of what I am saying. A better way of putting it is that the HOCD sufferer accepts that he may be gay or may not be, but is going to choose a lifestyle that most aligns with his values (which could be straight) and us the tools available not to obsess about it. The larger issue is that people with OCD struggle to accept uncertainty. If you have an unwanted thought, the disorder makes you want to establish certainty that the unwanted thought is untrue. Since this cannot be done, the compulsive efforts to achieve this certainty only lead to more doubt and over-attention to the obsession. If a person is not oriented to the same sex, but has an obsession about this, they do have to accept the possibility that they could be wrong. However, arbitrarily assuming that you are something only because you have a fear of being that thing doesn’t make much sense. silvano September 15, 2013 at 2:32 pm - Reply Thanks for responding to my previous message. You say that people are in control of their actions. Actually my experience is the following: it happens that i masturbate when having the unwanted thoughts, but after that i am ashamed about this so in this moment i tell myself i won’t do it again, but then a week later it happens again, and so on. I also read some article from ocdla and for instance the following http://www.ocdla.com/blog/ocd-thought-suppression-1249 They say ‘the most effective behavioral response to unwanted thoughts is to allow them to exist while making no effort whatsoever to control or change them’. Now the problem is, since my thoughts tell me (more or less) to do sexual activity, and so to masturbate, trying not to masturbate would mean trying to suppress the thought, more or less. This seems to confirm i cannot choose not to masturbate … . Jonathan Hershfield September 20, 2013 at 2:42 pm - Reply Silvano, I disagree. Suppressing a thought is not the same thing as risking a behavior. If you decide you do not want to masturbate, that is your choice. If you want to commit to that choice, you will have to do so while also having thoughts about wanting to do it. You will have to accept, not attempt to neutralize or suppress, those thoughts and choose not to engage in the masturbation behavior anyway. In fact, one could argue that masturbating in response to the thoughts when you have told yourself you believe this behavior does not benefit you is basically an attempt to stop thinking about it. silvano February 8, 2014 at 1:11 pm - Reply After reading various articles and parts of books and finding possibly helpful ideas but not clearly resolutive ones, I am now trying to focus on commitment to the choice of not masturbating with those thoughts. Anyway it seems it can be difficult, because the thoughts come and display the homosexual/transvestic behaviour as something i want to do, in the moment. After masturbating with the thoughts i feel bad and generally for about 7-10 days the thought do not even come, or are so weak that they don’t create problems. Perhaps the bad feeling i had after masturbating with the thoughts persuades me this behavior does not benefit me, but after that period something triggers me and i don’t remember the bad feeling and i cannot persuade myself that the behavior is really conterproductive (this usually happens in the night or early morning when I just woke up from sleep and I have not much control of my thoughts and feelings and actions). Clearly we cannot have certainty about counterproductivity of such behavior, i suppose, just because we cannot be certain of our sexual orientation and similar things. I think to continue trying to commit to my choice of not masturbating, but I also ask myself how to be more effective in such commitment and where can I find information about this. silvano February 8, 2014 at 3:06 pm - Reply i also fear that prohibiting this behavior of masturbation could make it more rewarding and thus ineffective or counterproductive silvano February 9, 2014 at 4:03 pm After thinking more about it, i think that one root (if not the only one) of the problem can be testing, as you explain in part 4 where you say: the root of all HOCD evil is testing. I’ll also try to focus on it. Jonathan Hershfield February 11, 2014 at 7:42 pm - Reply What you are describing sounds like a form of sexual addiction. The issue is not about whether it feels good or whether it makes you gay, straight, bi, or whatever. The issue is that you are repeatedly engaging in behaviors that you are repeatedly telling yourself not to engage in. Whether or not the behavior is harmful is somewhat secondary to the fact that you appear not to have control over the behavior. I am not a specialist in this area, but I would look for therapists in your area who specialize in sexual addiction and get their input. Sarah September 17, 2013 at 6:12 am - Reply I think I’ve experienced this, but I think my fear of being gay was never even in a sexual way, e.g. When I was 12, some kid at school called me ‘gay’ (for whatever reason kids call each other names!). But although I had always liked guys and had their posters on my wall, this became an obsessive fear for the next approx. 6 months. I think it was triggered because I went on a 6 month trip overseas – away from my close extended family, friends, school (I was also between elementary and jnr high). So in retrospect I think the fear was more of a fear of being alone/excluded, etc. When I returned home I went to school and had a reasonably normal life and the fear went away. Although more than 10 years later I felt the fear come back. I’m now in my mid 20s and earlier this year have started a new job and moved to a new city where I don’t know ANYONE! Someone at my new job randomly commented ‘oh you are straight’ when I was talking about guys and I wondered why she would question that about me, but just shrugged it off. But now I’ve been here a few months longer and havent made any friends and the fear has come back, but again I think it seems to be more about things associated with being gay (exclusion/being alone/outcast, etc) than actually a same sex thing. As an adult I can recognise sexually is not a black and white thing and whilst there have been some females I have looked up too (in admiration – wanting to be like them, rather than with them), when I have rational moments I kind of laugh and realise I’m probably feeling alone and excluded leading to a fear of being gay (I have done ‘tests’ too using google images and become reallly aroused by pics of guys). I’m not sure if I should just let this pass of see a therapist? Kind of worried they will just tell me I’m in denial? Jonathan Hershfield September 20, 2013 at 2:47 pm - Reply Sarah, many people experience HOCD simply as a construct of social anxiety. It begins with mind reading that people think something negative about you. Then that thing becomes the word “gay” and then you begin to personalize your behavior and the behavior of others into some “evidence” that you either appear gay or are so far in “gay denial” that everyone but you knows it and is pretending not to. You become uncomfortable around people and begin to isolate. Then your OCD uses the fact that you are not being social as evidence that you are gay. If you begin being social with men or women, your OCD will tell you THAT makes you gay. Until you accept the thoughts and choose your behaviors independently from the OCD, whatever you do will seem like evidence of gayness. Impossible to know if an incompetent therapist will tell you that you’re in denial. If the intrusive thoughts and obsessive ruminating on the subject is interfering in your quality of life, I would recommend you see an ocd specialist who is likely to understand your symptoms. Philippe September 20, 2013 at 2:47 pm - Reply Thank god I finally found that website! Sorry for the mistakes i’ll make but this is my second langage! Where do I start? 5 months ago a terrible incident happend to me! I’ve been scammed and the pople took a video of me and asked for money! After the evebt I started to do anxiety and after that a depression that I know take medication for. My question is simple, can a life changing event like that could trigger that kind of hocd?because for a month now I’ve been strugling with that fear and for a month I’ve been telling myself that the only way to feel better was to maybe just accept the fact that I am gay! But to be honest it just creates more anxiety! Thanks for your answer! Jonathan Hershfield September 20, 2013 at 6:28 pm - Reply Phillippe, though there is no significant research suggesting that trauma causes OCD, it is certainly true that a person with OCD or anxiety could see a sudden worsening of symptoms immediately after a traumatizing experience. You are obsessing that you may be gay, but it’s pretty likely that you could just as easily be obsessing about something else. I would look at it in terms of the terrible incident flipping on your OCD switch and this is the material it is using. I think what is more important than simply accepting that you might be gay is accepting that your attempts to prove you are straight will never satisfy you and only fuel your obsession. Accept that you are having thoughts about being gay and resist the urge to neutralize them. Though this may initially cause you to experience some more anxiety, you will eventually habituate to it and the anxiety will come down. If you rely on compulsions to reduce the anxiety, it will always come back as soon as the compulsion wears off. Philippe September 20, 2013 at 6:47 pm - Reply Thank you for the answer! Probably one of the reason why it is also flipping me, its because I always had an obsession with sex! And that I always beeb actualy pretty confident in myself! But since this terrible event I lost all confidence in me and all this “HOCD” related anxiety startes when I came back from vacation with my brother! I had feelings that people may thought that we were gay and blablabla! I have to say this article is really calming me! Sarah September 22, 2013 at 12:33 pm - Reply Thanks for your advice! I have found being more social, especially with friends from back home, actually helps stops obsessive thoughts. It seems to remind me of who I am and gives me some anchors in life. (I’ve also found writing my life story helpful with this). I am currently seeing a counsellor to deal with another issue (a trauma I experienced) and may bring this up if I feel comfortable with her next session. Thanks again. Philippe September 23, 2013 at 6:52 pm - Reply Since I found that blog I feel better! Still asking myself questions but I think it is a good thing because i might have found a obsession I always had that never been really diagnosed, but it sure is a obsession. I always been obsess by my image or by what other people thought of me! For example, I would always feel uncomfortable if my brother would sing loud in public places, if I felt down in the bus or metro, it was the end of the world for me! etc… So since what actually happen to me with that event I explain in my first message, the weeks that followed that event, I’ve been actually obsessing with: ” What if my friends or my family ever get to see that video???” I was getting crazy about what other people would think about me if that video was ever able for people to see! Do you think that it could be a possibility for me to have develop a obsession like HOCD because of this! And that the obsession of my own image and the event that happened was a catalyst for all of this? Thank you so much! P-S: Hope I,m clear in my explaining! English is not my first language so it’s hard sometimes to put my thoughts together and organised! Jonathan Hershfield September 27, 2013 at 9:51 pm - Reply Hi Phillipe, I think focusing on the cause of your HOCD is a distraction from focusing on the present issue. Are you or are you not doing compulsions in response to this obsession? Where the HOCD came from is irrelevant. Regarding your social anxiety and the video, though it may be difficult, you have to tell yourself that you don;t know what will happen and if something unwanted happens, you will have to find a way to cope with that. Adam September 30, 2013 at 11:00 pm - Reply Hey Jonathan, your texts have been a great help, thank you for that I have been suffering from severe HOCD (well I at least I think it is..). I’m 22 years old and have been suffering from depression from my early teens. The weird thing is I can’t remember feeling bad, and I don’t know what I was depressed about before the HOCD kicked in like 5 months ago.. Now it’s all about that. Anyway, I think the HOCD started when I couldn’t perform with a girl I was in love with, so I started to think I was gay then it just escalated. I still suffer from it, but I think it’s getting better. A couple of months ago I was really nervous around guys, afraid of the word “gay”, couldn’t type it etc. I’m not going to therapy or something but I have started to treat myself. I’ve watched coming out stories on youtube, read a lot of them. I watched brokeback mountain (good movie!). And today I’ve watched alot of gay porn, the porn didn’t arouse me the slightest, but as you have written I am not doing this out of reassurance. I am simply observing and accepting every thought, sensation or emotion that might arrive when watching the porn. I feel that this helps keep the thoughts from being so aggressive, I know they’re there (and I just started with the “treatment”) but they don’t attack me and make me as anxious as before. I also started to write a texts about differing scenarios where I come out to my parents, living life as a gay man etc. Just wanted to ask you if you think this is a good strategy, or if it can be harmful or counterproductive to treat yourself like this. I am working on coming to terms with being afraid of being attracted to men, but as a lot of people have written the greatest fear is almost loosing your attraction to women.. That is harder to deal with. Thanks! Jonathan Hershfield October 3, 2013 at 3:46 am - Reply >>>>Hey Jonathan, your texts have been a great help, thank you for that I have been suffering from severe HOCD (well I at least I think it is..). I’m 22 years old and have been suffering from depression from my early teens. The weird thing is I can’t remember feeling bad, and I don’t know what I was depressed about before the HOCD kicked in like 5 months ago.. —Maybe you were just depressed because you suffer from clinical depression. >>>>Now it’s all about that. Anyway, I think the HOCD started when I couldn’t perform with a girl I was in love with, so I started to think I was gay then it just escalated. —This is very common. What’s also very common is people who struggle with anxiety and depression also struggling with sexual performance. Kind of hard to stay in the moment with all that fear and doubt going on at the same time. >>>>I still suffer from it, but I think it’s getting better. A couple of months ago I was really nervous around guys, afraid of the word “gay”, couldn’t type it etc. I’m not going to therapy or something but I have started to treat myself. I’ve watched coming out stories on youtube, read a lot of them. I watched brokeback mountain (good movie!). And today I’ve watched alot of gay porn, the porn didn’t arouse me the slightest, but as you have written I am not doing this out of reassurance. I am simply observing and accepting every thought, sensation or emotion that might arrive when watching the porn. I feel that this helps keep the thoughts from being so aggressive, I know they’re there (and I just started with the “treatment”) but they don’t attack me and make me as anxious as before. I also started to write a texts about differing scenarios where I come out to my parents, living life as a gay man etc. Just wanted to ask you if you think this is a good strategy, or if it can be harmful or counterproductive to treat yourself like this. I am working on coming to terms with being afraid of being attracted to men, but as a lot of people have written the greatest fear is almost loosing your attraction to women.. That is harder to deal with. —-Sounds to me like you’re doing an excellent job. Impressive! Just be vigilant about resisting compulsions. Like if you do an exposure and find yourself saying “whew, this proves I’m not gay” then you are probably stepping into an OCD trap. You can include your fear of losing attraction to women in your exposure stories. It might be a good idea to look to some resources on different scripting strategies, such as the books Freedom From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder by Jonathan Grayson and Imp of the Mind by Lee Baer. Adam September 30, 2013 at 11:01 pm - Reply Excuse the english it is not my native language. TB October 11, 2013 at 11:38 am - Reply Hey Jon Hersfield, your article really helped me a lot! I am a girl and this thing has tortured me for a week now. I have a very stressful life at the moment (moving, financials, studies, deadlines etc) and such a busy lifestyle is all new for me. I have a boyfriend and i’ve always liked men. But sometimes i am just in shock of how beautiful and girly/cute women can be and i can totally understand why men must be so crazy about women. That thoughts shocked me and suddenly i didn’t know how to behave normally around women anymore and started thinking i might be a lesbian. But than i became so sad because that would mean i have to break up with my boyfriend and have to start looking for a new way of life being gay… When i read this article i felt a burden falling of my shoulders. So thank you. My mind always has a tendency to hold on strongly to ideas and issues and i really have a problem of ‘letting go’ of any sort of issues you can imagine. Jonathan Hershfield October 14, 2013 at 3:22 am - Reply Glad the article was helpful for you! You need to look at why it is you think the presence of ANY particular thought means you have to do any particular thing. If you enjoy the thought of a woman being attractive, enjoy it. Making the association with breaking up with your boyfriend is unnecessary. That too is just another thought. Mike October 21, 2013 at 10:04 pm - Reply Hi Jon, I have been suffering from HOCD for quite some time now, around 10 months. It has beaten me down to the point where i feel utterly incapable of escaping these unwanted thoughts. I didn’t actually know about HOCD until about 2 months ago (and boy what a relief it was to find there are others out there going through exactly the same thing as me!). Through my research on HOCD i came across ROCD, which up until that point i had never even thought that there was something wrong with my relationship with my girlfriend. I have been with her for close to a year and a half and i can honestly say i love her and everything that our relationship is. However, since coming across ROCD i have found myself questioning my feelings for my girlfriend, telling myself that if you are gay you cannot be in a relationship with this girl – causing me to push myself further and further from her to the point where i feel it could end us… I suppose the question(s) i want to ask is how common is it for people with HOCD to also suffer from ROCD as a result? And if you have come across it before, how have people coped with it? many thanks and i look forward to your response. Jonathan Hershfield October 26, 2013 at 2:00 am - Reply Sufferers have added names to different kinds of obsessions to help articulate their experiences, so we refer to obsessions about sexual orientation as HOCD, obsessions about relationships as ROCD, and others with other names. This is possibly a necessary part of communicating with one another but ultimately overlooks the point that all OCD is about obsessions, compulsions, and intolerance of uncertainty. They are all the same problem. HOCD and ROCD frequently co-occur in my experience. They both respond to CBT with ERP. Rather than questioning and analyzing your feelings for your girlfriend, you should work on accepting them as they are and focus instead on behavior. If you want to be with your girlfriend, then you need to take steps to be closer to her, not further from her. This decision should be based on what it is you value, and not on such unreliable data as intrusive thoughts and feelings. Eddie October 26, 2013 at 4:59 am - Reply Really enjoyed reading this blog post, definitely cleared up how to treat this ocd and will defiantly be seeing my college therapist 🙂 Jonathan Hershfield October 27, 2013 at 7:23 pm - Reply Happy to hear it, Eddie! Best of luck in treatment. david October 31, 2013 at 11:48 pm - Reply Hi Jonathan. 2 months ago I tried for the first time acid, was an horrible experience althought in the end I remember being in peace and with a sense of understanding the world and all the people. However I remember thinking that almost everyone (It was in a music festival) around me was gay and were hitting on me. Lately I’ve been feeling that again. Furthermore, I’m getting the feeling that some new friends I made think I’m gay, i started to check how I’m acting, If I look gay or If I’m looking at man. I’m certain about my straightness but somehow the thought of other perceiveing me as gay started to make me doubt about Who I am or questioning my sexuality. I feel like some part of me got lost. I was always shy with new people but now I can’t meet Man without the all gay paranoia immediatly in my head, or girls without the urge to hit on them in order to prove something to myself. I can’t have a nice conversation with no one, unless it’s an old friend. Sorry for the bad english. Jonathan Hershfield November 1, 2013 at 7:57 pm - Reply Hi David, what you are experience is probably not related to your acid experience, but it’s unknowable. Many people with HOCD fear being seen as gay even more than they fear being gay. This is usually a function of social anxiety and fear of being humiliated. In this case, the OCD says the most humiliating thing would be if someone identified you as gay and were right before you identified it. So then you are likely to do compulsions related to trying to avoid looking gay. In treatment with an ocd specialist, you would want to do exposures to things that might make you think people are identifying you as gay and then resist the urge to try to prove to yourself that you look (or are) straight. Becky November 2, 2013 at 7:17 pm - Reply Hi, Thank you so much for this article. I am however completely tormented by my thoughts of possibly being gay and i don’t know what to do. I can’t just deal with my thoughts like you are suggesting. I can’t eat i can’t sleep and i don’t feel like myself. I have anxiety disorder which I’m pretty sure caused this in the first place. But being with a man sexually has always been amazing and made me so happy but right now my thoughts are so bad i can’t even imagine being with one. I feel sick to my stomach and i need help. Is it possible for theses compulsive thoughts to turn you gay? Please get back to me I’m dying. Jonathan Hershfield November 4, 2013 at 6:36 pm - Reply >>>>Hi, Thank you so much for this article. I am however completely tormented by my thoughts of possibly being gay and i don’t know what to do. I can’t just deal with my thoughts like you are suggesting. —I don’t recall ever suggesting that person should “just deal with” their thoughts. Either you are misunderstanding what I have written about cognitive behavioral therapy and exposure w/response prevention treatment for OCD or you are confusing me with another author. My recommendation is that you stop doing compulsions. >>>I can’t eat i can’t sleep and i don’t feel like myself. I have anxiety disorder which I’m pretty sure caused this in the first place. But being with a man sexually has always been amazing and made me so happy but right now my thoughts are so bad i can’t even imagine being with one. I feel sick to my stomach and i need help. Is it possible for theses compulsive thoughts to turn you gay? Please get back to me I’m dying. —Sounds like you are in a very high state of anxiety. You didn’t mention anything about the treatment you are receiving, so I’m not sure what advice to give you other than to get treatment if you don’t already have it or connect with your treatment provider if you already do. If you you feel you are unsafe in any way, you should go to an emergency room. As for your question about thoughts “turning you gay” I think the idea of “turning” is distorted by your anxiety and not a real thing worth you responding to. What you need is CBT from an OCD specialist and a plan for overcoming this obsession. Eli Ribeiro November 6, 2013 at 3:03 pm - Reply I finally know what I have! I can identify with almost everything from the two articles! I am so worried. I wonder if there’s medication for this? I can’t really afford therapy right now. Jonathan Hershfield November 13, 2013 at 6:17 am - Reply Hi Eli, glad the info was helpful. Medication can play an important role in treating OCD, but CBT is necessary in some form for things to really get better. The meds can take the edge off and make it easier to do the therapy. If you don’t have access to therapy or can’t afford it, you could try to do the work with an OCD self-help workbook. Eli Ribeiro November 6, 2013 at 3:09 pm - Reply As a kid, I was bullied by a group of three kids who kept calling me gay and I often got criticized for the way I walked. I think that’s when my HOCD started. I need to read more about this. My fear is not of being gay but of being considered gay. I feel inadequate among straight men because I feel they know there’s something wrong with me, I feel inadequate among gay men because I don’t want people to think I’m like them and I feel inadequate among women because I feel they’ll see me as gay and will reject me. That’s in my mind ALL the time. You can imagine what kind of tension this causes? I can’t really connect with people because of it. Thanks very much for this article. It shed a new light on my life. Jonathan Hershfield November 13, 2013 at 6:22 am - Reply This is not an unusual manifestation. People who are bullied often develop social phobia, which is a fear of being evaluated negatively. Since it involves this word “gay” it takes on some properties of HOCD, but it’s still mostly social anxiety. In any case, the treatment would involve graduated exposure to letting people think you are gay even though it’s untrue. This would mean looking at ways you avoid this and reducing them, but also doing things that may be triggering socially. wolfsterr1996 December 17, 2013 at 12:48 pm - Reply N I dont know if this thing is still working but its being bugging me i dont know if i have this hocd thing but here goes anyway ive as long as i can remember been attracted to girls Never been in à relationship but on and off i kept getting the thoughts Like What if i gay etc these thoughts sometimes go when i start to Like à new girl but since starting my second Year of collège these thoughts i have came back in spades i looked up this hocd thing and helped but the other day i finally said Maybe i should take this in my stridr but now girls i found cute and attractive before just dont do anything for me and now i just have lost the energy to keep fighting back , What should i do Jonathan Hershfield December 17, 2013 at 5:17 pm - Reply If the things you have read about HOCD make sense to you, then it should also make sense that the thing you need to do is get some help from an OCD specialist so you don’t continue engaging in compulsions that are interfering in your ability to enjoy your relationships. Reduced libido and energy are common symptoms of anxiety that should improve with treatment. Ccgg December 18, 2013 at 5:19 pm - Reply Hello. I am 21 years old and I have probably been dealing with what I’m hoping is hocd for at least a year now if not more. I am constantly worrying about what if I’m lesbian? For about a month, the thought completely went away and I thought it would stay gone, but now it’s come back and is at it’s worst. I have myself paranoid that I’m not attracted to my fiancé anymore or to guys in general. I feel so much stress from this and always have to tell my fiancé everything that goes through my head in order to feel better about it and can’t quit thinking about it until he knows. Well now my biggest hang up is: why can I understand how someone could be lesbian but find it more hard to understand why a guy wouldn’t want to be with a girl and want to be gay instead. Does that make me lesbian? I don’t want to be at all? I want to know that I’m attracted to my fiancé and want to stop being paranoid I don’t love him anymore. We argue a lot and when we take breaks from each other, i feel lot more calm and when he gets home I feel all the anxiety and worry about being lesbian coming back. I just never hear this being an issue with people with hocd so I worry that I’m just in denial about being lesbian. I feel depressed all the time and i don’t know what to do. I get worried that I’ll act on one of my thoughts or will get aroused by a girl, why can’t I ever feel like that with a guy? I have like no sex drive anymore and i am paranoid that when my fiancé compliments my body, that I have to fake a compliment back. And then it makes me upset and I tell him he’s making me ocd when he brings up sexual stuff. I need reassurance that this is just ocd because with other symptoms I’ve had in the past I could tell myself it was OCD but now with these not so common issues, I’m feeling like it can’t be Ocd and that I really am lesbian… :/ Please help Jonathan Hershfield December 21, 2013 at 1:47 am - Reply >>>>Hello. I am 21 years old and I have probably been dealing with what I’m hoping is hocd for at least a year now if not more. I am constantly worrying about what if I’m lesbian? For about a month, the thought completely went away and I thought it would stay gone, but now it’s come back and is at it’s worst. I have myself paranoid that I’m not attracted to my fiancé anymore or to guys in general. I feel so much stress from this and always have to tell my fiancé everything that goes through my head in order to feel better about it and can’t quit thinking about it until he knows. —It’s important (in fact essential to the survival of the relationship) that you recognize these confessions as a compulsive behavior. Compulsions work by negatively reinforcing triggers, meaning the way in which they reduce your discomfort actually teaches the mind that they must be persisted in whenever the trigger presents, and then this results in the triggers appearing more important and more intrusive. You will need to explain this to your fiance so that he can help you identify when you are compulsively confessing and disregard your confessions and withhold reassurance. Though this may be uncomfortable for you, it is something you will overcome and be grateful for in the end. >>>Well now my biggest hang up is: why can I understand how someone could be lesbian but find it more hard to understand why a guy wouldn’t want to be with a girl and want to be gay instead. Does that make me lesbian? I don’t want to be at all? —Time spent ruminating on what people you have never met are choosing to do with their sex lives is time wasted on Earth. Trying to perfectly understand the nature of sexual orientation and attraction is a compulsion and, like all compulsions, a problem that fuels more obsessive thinking. >>>I want to know that I’m attracted to my fiancé and want to stop being paranoid I don’t love him anymore. We argue a lot and when we take breaks from each other, i feel lot more calm and when he gets home I feel all the anxiety and worry about being lesbian coming back. I just never hear this being an issue with people with hocd so I worry that I’m just in denial about being lesbian. —Not sure where you hear all of your HOCD gossip. I hear this stuff all the time. It sounds like you have an obsession with the quality of your relationship (i.e. needing certainty that you are attracted etc). It’s not unusual for this to coincide with HOCD fears as well. >>>I feel depressed all the time and i don’t know what to do. I get worried that I’ll act on one of my thoughts or will get aroused by a girl, why can’t I ever feel like that with a guy? —Worrying that you will get aroused makes very little sense since we have virtually no control over when we get aroused and the arousal itself has no intrinsic meaning. >>>I have like no sex drive anymore and i am paranoid that when my fiancé compliments my body, that I have to fake a compliment back. —That sounds like a compulsion. Next time just say thanks. >>>>And then it makes me upset and I tell him he’s making me ocd when he brings up sexual stuff. I need reassurance that this is just ocd because with other symptoms I’ve had in the past I could tell myself it was OCD but now with these not so common issues, I’m feeling like it can’t be Ocd and that I really am lesbian… :/ Please help —This is just a blog comment, so I don’t know what it is about this obsession that you see as so fundamentally different from your other obsessions and your drive for that elusive certainty. Getting upset at your fiance for triggering you takes the responsibility off your shoulders for actually doing something about your OCD and the way in which it is interfering in your relationship. My recommendation is that you work on this with an ocd specialist, start doing CBT with ERP for both the orientation and relationship obsessions, and encourage your fiance to be a partner in your treatment by helping you resist compulsions. Pirx December 18, 2013 at 10:34 pm - Reply Hi there, I see you reply to comments on regular basis, so I decided to ask one question, the thing I do not understand well. Short story: I suffer from I think, medium amount of HOCD (I am NOT dying of fear daily but I have these thoughts, sometimes it is depressing and bad but mostly I can normally talk to a guy, even attractive, I just get this strange feeling I feel weird, looking too much on dudes, checking, I do not like homo stuff like “sweet gay couple pictures kissing” etc). Sometimes I have obsessive thoughts 2-3 days all the time, hour by hour, then 3 days no such thoughts at all. Generally I am not in the panic mode, I just do not like this feeling. I am trying to be cool, but one of the exposure therapy techniques, I think one of the most important is to EXPOSE to gay/masculine thoughts, pictures, etc. And now – I ll try to describe my question as precise as I can – when I am exposing myself to such pictures , it is kind of CHECKING as well! I learned not to push these thoughts out of my head, try to accept, its ok, but then, if I look at pictures of naked men or masculinity in general it is a form of “checking” myself, it goes automatically. It is like: Ok, nice guy, ok ok, he is normal dude, no worries, YOU SEE , YOU GOT NO HARD ON NO GAY YUPPIE!!! I know there is some tiny difference between looking at picture and trying to accepting and looking at the same picture AND assuring myself I do not get erection/dont feel weird etc. It is very thin line between these 2 attitudes. What should I do? Look at the pictures, stories in what mode? DUde, just look at it and do not think too much? Look at it and try to like it? Look at it and get over it? I mostly get over it, I do not care, but sometimes the ear kicks in like crazy…. I feel like I accept this stuff but now its more like a habit to CHECK myself, not to accept it, kind of habit of trying if I still feel fear etc. I do not know if I am clear. I just do not know how to feel the difference between accepting vs checking…. P.S> One remark – my problem is that I rather fear more MEN in general, maybe because of my low self esteem, being almost 40 (!) and not feeling manly enough (I am normal guy, normal voice, hair, height, nothing weird and no woman ever complained ) – I tend to fear masculine alpha type men, with hairy arms, low timbre of voice etc. I know I have probably twisted picture of a modern man, I demand too much from myself, but I just… do it. Jonathan Hershfield December 21, 2013 at 1:54 am - Reply >>>>Hi there, I see you reply to comments on regular basis, so I decided to ask one question, the thing I do not understand well. Short story: I suffer from I think, medium amount of HOCD (I am NOT dying of fear daily but I have these thoughts, sometimes it is depressing and bad but mostly I can normally talk to a guy, even attractive, I just get this strange feeling I feel weird, looking too much on dudes, checking, I do not like homo stuff like “sweet gay couple pictures kissing” etc). —Easy enough to do ERP to this and turn it into something that’s not so bothersome. >>>>Sometimes I have obsessive thoughts 2-3 days all the time, hour by hour, then 3 days no such thoughts at all. Generally I am not in the panic mode, I just do not like this feeling. I am trying to be cool, but one of the exposure therapy techniques, I think one of the most important is to EXPOSE to gay/masculine thoughts, pictures, etc. And now – I ll try to describe my question as precise as I can – when I am exposing myself to such pictures , it is kind of CHECKING as well! I learned not to push these thoughts out of my head, try to accept, its ok, but then, if I look at pictures of naked men or masculinity in general it is a form of “checking” myself, it goes automatically. It is like: Ok, nice guy, ok ok, he is normal dude, no worries, YOU SEE , YOU GOT NO HARD ON NO GAY YUPPIE!!! I know there is some tiny difference between looking at picture and trying to accepting and looking at the same picture AND assuring myself I do not get erection/dont feel weird etc. It is very thin line between these 2 attitudes. What should I do? Look at the pictures, stories in what mode? DUde, just look at it and do not think too much? Look at it and try to like it? Look at it and get over it? I mostly get over it, I do not care, but sometimes the ear kicks in like crazy…. —Look at it and try to like it. Try to identify with the experience and tell yourself that by doing so you will turn yourself gay and regret it. Then keep doing it. The point of exposure with response prevention is to put you in front of the trigger (it’s not the pictures, but the gay thoughts/feelings that are the triggers) so that you can practice being in the presence of these triggers without doing compulsions. In short, try to get hard. The goal is to be in the presence of fear, not to be cool. >>>>I feel like I accept this stuff but now its more like a habit to CHECK myself, not to accept it, kind of habit of trying if I still feel fear etc. I do not know if I am clear. I just do not know how to feel the difference between accepting vs checking…. —A lot of checking happens automatically and the best thing you ca do is simply label it retroactively and not beat yourself up for not having complete control over everything your mind does. Accepting means observing the presence of a thought, feeling, or sensation without attributing any kind of judgment to it. >>>>P.S> One remark – my problem is that I rather fear more MEN in general, maybe because of my low self esteem, being almost 40 (!) and not feeling manly enough (I am normal guy, normal voice, hair, height, nothing weird and no woman ever complained ) – I tend to fear masculine alpha type men, with hairy arms, low timbre of voice etc. I know I have probably twisted picture of a modern man, I demand too much from myself, but I just… do it. —You can do exposure to this too or you can accept that it’s just the way you think and not something you need to take so seriously. That’s up to you. John December 19, 2013 at 7:15 pm - Reply Dr. Hershfield, Your article was very helpful in many ways. I identify with most everything listed in the article. I have struggled with HOCD for several years, and I hate it. I know that I am straight, I have been in a relationship for 7 years with my beautiful wife. The main source of my issues come from porn addiction I believe. I became addicted to porn around age 15 and watched it all the time for many years, probably until around age 20. Then it was an off and on thing. I would watch it then I wouldn’t and so on. I have done a lot of reading about porn addiction as well, and it talks about how porn addiction is like any other addiction, like a drug for example. You start out small, then what you always took does not get you the same high, so you have to move on to a larger amount of the drug, and so on. That is how my addiction to porn was/is. I started with just pictures of naked women, then videos, then hardcore videos, then gay porn. But everytime I watched gay porn I would feel disgusted afterward. I just can’t understand why I would be able to look at gay porn on the internet and have a reaction in my groin and masturbate to it. It is like once I finished, there was absolutely no desire for that at all. Now after watching and finishing with straight porn, I would never feel ashamed at what I watched and wanted more of it. I also had never had any gay thoughts before porn addiction. Also, in reality I have never been attracted to a guy, never had a crush on a guy, etc. It only happens on a computer screen, and it really isn’t an attraction to the guys in the porn, it is more of I am just needing something sexual on the screen because of my addiction and self esteem issues I believe. I am a smaller framed guy who wants to be bigger and have more dominance that comes with being bigger. And with my porn addiction, I have looked at all kinds of porn that is just disgusting, some that is worse than gay porn in my mind, but that doesn’t bother me to the point gay porn does. I mean anything can make me aroused. I know that porn addiction is bad and I am fighting it to keep it out of my life. I just wondering if what I have experienced is similar to what others experience that have HOCD and/or porn addiction. Another factor that I believe increases my anxiety and fear is when I was in junior high, one of my friends came out and said he was gay. Well everyone started picking on me and called me gay because we were friends. It was pure torture, I could not go a day without someone telling me I was gay. It was horrible, I knew that I was not, but I could not get them to stop. It finally went away near the end of my Freshman year of high school. Which is about the time my porn addiction started. All I know is deep down I know that I love my wife, I am sexually attracted to her and other women. (Although I will not have sex with them because I am married, haha). I know that I have never wanted to be with a man and cannot see myself doing sexual acts with a man in real life. Any advice you can give would be appreciated. I know this was alot, but I am so ready to move past this. My wife knows all about it, and is very supportive. I could not ask for a better wife. Thank you for your help! Jonathan Hershfield December 21, 2013 at 4:22 am - Reply HOCD attacks from several different angles, and one I haven’t really talked much about in my blogs is the porn addiction angle (mostly because treating porn addiction is not something I have experience in). It is not an unusual trajectory for a person addicted to pornography to find themselves seeking out more and more taboo material to generate the same level of stimulation (just as tolerance goes up for any drug). This leads some straight people to watching, and enjoying the stimulation of, gay porn. The question over whether this is, in and of itself, “gay” may be open to debate. I think it is a phenomenon unrelated to sexual orientation. But in any case an HOCD sufferer is likely to argue that it is some sort of evidence of a changed orientation and begin engaging in compulsions to reassure themselves that they are straight (which then fuels more obsessive doubt and so on and so forth). In these cases, it is often important to address the porn addiction before being able to effectively address the HOCD. Yes, you are capable of enjoying physical stimulation associated with gay pixels (and possibly ideas about gay pixels). As you pointed out, you are sexually attracted to other women but don’t cheat on your wife. Similarly you can’t see yourself actually having sex with a man because porn is not reality and you are addicted to porn. You can’t effectively do ERP to gay porn during a porn addiction because the drive for stimulation trumps any chance you have of effectively exposing to your fear of being gay. Separately from the porn addiction is the fear that your very real ability to get off on gay pixels means you are somehow a gay person. I can tell you that I disagree with this assessment, but reassurance doesn’t work in the long run. What works is accepting uncertainty and not doing compulsions. So my advice is to seek professional help for the addiction and say “maybe I am gay because of the porn problem but that’s not as important as the porn problem itself right now.” You can concurrently do CBT for the HOCD and this would include exposure to the idea that you may have made yourself gay somehow. Exposures for this would probably include various forms of imaginal scripting about the consequences. Kay December 27, 2013 at 6:40 am - Reply Hi Hershfield, first of all i would like to thank you very much for your articles. To people who suffer from hocd, you really understand this. Thank you. I only hope you will reply to my post and give me your honest take on this even though it might skip you. Either way if you can’t, Just typing this alone on here is great. I know this is long but it will mean a lot if you read this an give me your feedback, not reassure. I am a straight 24 year old male and have never experienced anything like this before. I consider myself a critical thinker who likes to analyze everything going on to the max/detail. I think i have been going through this for more than a month now but now i think I’m not worrying about it anymore or confused (but confident and happy that I’m not worrying as i see it as a good thing. I will tell you why). I am not even scared nor worried for typing what i just said. I would have been worried at first. I believe I’m not fearing or worried because i have consciously and/or unconsciously practiced exposure to the point where most of my fears are gone. However this all of a sudden “being okay and normal” confuses me a lot, even though it feels good not to worry. It all started at work where i was introduced to a trainer who i was supposed to be trained under. The whole staff were nice including the trainer, but he was being too nice to me, wanting my phone number and asking where i live and lot more. He acted gay (talked like a lady etc hope you know what i mean). I’m not saying he was/is, but from where i come from and how i was trained i couldn’t help it but move away from him thinking he wanted to hit on me or something. So i switched departments by telling the head of department, and later found out that he might not be gay (even though it was still unknown whether he is.). This made me feel guilty to the point where i had to go to the trainer himself and explain why i left. I told him everything including the fact that i thought he was gay and was scared and moved away due to the fact that things like that are unheard of from where i come from. He was understanding and explained to me that he likes to treat everyone as a father, and this made feel relief and felt really comfortable afterwards (even though he didn’t actually say he wasn’t gay). This made me worry sometimes that he didn’t clarify but it’s a lot better now as the more i understand this exposure, i realize i don’t need to know. After all that the hocd started hitting me bit by bit and, came with full force and now has almost vanished which surprises me a lot. When i went to the trainer to explain things to him i knew i felt guilty but the hocd tricked me into thinking that, that was attraction or whatever, i would try to shrug it off by telling myself that it was not, but it would always come back with full force it made me feel guilty. I felt like telling everyone else, told my stepmom, my brother briefly, my close friends as i thought telling people would take off some of the load. Infact it did and made me feel understood but after a day, will feel bad again and feel like i have to tell more people or else i wouldn’t feel better. I have read almost everything on hocd online, spending hours and hours daily, blogs, forums, articles (before i saw yours). They would make me feel better and feel relief that at least someone is going through the same thing, but will feel like i need more to keep me going and keep me happy. Almost everyone was saying stay away from the internet for reassurance but it was inevitable for someone like me/others suffering as i/we really needed it. I learnt a lot and am understanding it now but gradually. There would be good days and just when i feel like i’m great today, it will start all over and i will start feeling bad. There will be days where i feel great and really happy doing something fun, but when i remember all this, my mood will instantly drop and will feel sad, and ask myself why. Does this mean this, or that? and so on. I would sometimes force myself to be happy, but deep inside i know i have to fix something before i can move on and be happy and then, bam, i’m down again. I used to be really enthusiastic about everything, exercise, school, personal projects, girls, video games, life basically but now even though i do enjoy some of them, i think i don’t have that same drive to do anything. I can go on and on and tell you how i worried a lot and will never finish. Anytime i would read about something, i would worry about it, for example if i read that someone says he did this and it really helped, my hocd will tell me if you don’t do the same thing you will never feel better. If you don’t go to a therapist, you will never feel better and then i will start worrying even though i wasn’t prior to this. I have been hit by almost every angle to the point where i can tell this is just ocd and not real but it does feel real. It’s funny, but i read something about someone who said that we should stop looking for answers or that you will have a sexual identity crisis and boom, my hocd latched on to it and i was worried to the max and felt really down. Now i don’t even think that is the case. Even if it is. I’m not worrying about it. But seriously it’s not. I know the hocd make you think scary thoughts and could be that because i was scared he said that, i think it’s going to happen to me. Because prior to this, if you told me this, i wouldn’t even bother about it. So i knew it could be hocd because one time i was worried, but now i’m not. Either way i’m not going to worry about it. Please let me know about my attitude towards this. However i have been reading your view on this that talks about accepting uncertainty and not seeking and asking for answers even when you’re in the face of what you fear of are not sure of. This is scary and very confusing but i think i understand it perfectly and have been putting it into practice and will tell you what i’m doing about it if that it a good thing. After reading through some of you articles and responses to others you talk pretty much about the same thing and just when i was reading i started unconsciously accepting uncertainty and guess what everything felt okay all of a sudden. I will even intentionally expose myself to things that made me really anxious and things that i talked myself out of when faced with. For example if a though pops into my head that i’m gay, i used to tell myself i’m not gay until it would go down a little, but will always come back. But this time i didn’t do anything and just allowed it. Even though my body was like say something to disprove it, i didn’t. I felt uncomfortable for not saying anything but it didn’t bother me again. What i’ve learnt is that you should accept uncertainty regardless of what happens. And i mean whatever that happens no matter how uncomfortable or painful or unsure it is. Accept it and move on and let your brain no that it’s no big deal even if it goes against you. I have done this. I did this to the point where i didn’t react to anything, whether it makes me feel good or bad. And guess what i felt okay and happy regardless of how uncomfortable it is. Is this progress? There is a problem and question i will like to ask you though. I felt okay to the point i was surprised that i am not worrying about anything anymore. i am not feeling unhappy or extremely happy. I just felt different like those thoughts don’t affect me anymore even though it might sound bothering and triggering. It didn’t make me spike, or do any mental ritual. I just didn’t react to it and i was surprised and really happy. Infact i was reading your article 4 and it made so much sence afterwards especially after the little bits of youtube videos linked to it (funny though) and how you explained to it. Everything seems to make so much sense. I felt really comfortable to the point that i decided to watch porn not because i want to check but because i just want to because it had been a while and just stop afterwards. I used to be afraid of watching porn due to the fact that i would see a gay picture or something that was gay and something would happen. But this time prior to watching the porn i felt really confident that even i see anything like that it doesn’t change my sexual orientation. It’s just something that is not just me and when i see it, move to what i really came for (straight porn) and not worry about seeing it and obsess over it. I felt really okay. Went out to buy something and everything feels so good and like i’m normal. But again i didn’t say that i’m healed i just observed how i feel lived in that moment and moved on. I didn’t conclude that i’m healed completely. just observe and move on. So i went ahead and watched porn and was really aroused prior to watching it and guess what, among the videos of straight porn on the site were gay ones (less though). When i saw it, i was a bit scared at the moment and moved my eyes of it to the straight porn but then i realized, why are you scared it you’re not gay. I told myself previously that i would never watch stuff like that. Also i thought this slight room could give me a chance to do some unconscious exposure without judging. that gave me the confidence to go ahead and click on it, not play the video. I saw the preview shots of the video i clicked. Again i did not play the video, but what i saw didn’t arouse me one bit and i lost my erection because of that. Someone like me suffering from hocd would have been very worried about losing my erection and rejoice and say that i’m not finally gay, but after remembering what i have read about not judging and just observing i just observed. It didn’t arouse me, it was attractive even though it was sexual, i didn’t feel aroused, just a little anxious and shocked i was looking at preview pictures like that. Either way, that gave me confidence and i started to scroll down to see other pictures of gay men actually in the act. It all was the same. Stayed there for around a minute without any erection or arousal (just a little anxiety/a tiny little spike as it was really unusual). Did this back and forth for a while And them moved on. When i moved on to straight porn it was/felt great even though i was a little overwhelmed at just doing what i did. I had trouble concentrating on the straight porn for just a few seconds as my hocd was trying to tell me that what you’ve watched means you’re gay or you enjoyed it even though i didn’t and wasn’t aroused or got an erection from it but i reminded myself that you were doing that only as exposure, without judging, what happened, happened and it doesn’t change anything about you. That helped me concentrate on the straight porn and basically finished off to the straight porn a couple times until now that i’m writing this post. Porn is something i stayed away from and have decided to stay away from not because of watching it today and all what i experience or saw. I’m surprised that i’m not even worried about this and am saying this. I am stopping because it has it’s own bad effects and basically it’s a personal choice to quit it cold turkey regardless. Again not because i saw picture of preview shots of gays/gay porn (Look i’m not even worried or spiking after typing this. Surprising). It’s just a habit i want to pick up. So no more porn starting today (Excited). However the little hocd i around makes me feel bad for seeing those and makes me think that, because i saw/watched it, something has changed about me and that i’ve turned gay even though i know that is not the case (I don’t question it compulsively). I just want to ask a few questions so please do your best to answer them honestly and help me understand (not reassure as i know reassuring doesn’t help. but help me understand. thanks) What i tell myself (not compulsively) is that i went to watch porn just for entertainment because i wanted to see one particular female porn star. So seeing a gay preview (which i was really not okay with initially even in my head, and going ahead to see the other ones, was just an exposure to not judge anything, just to observe, even though i did not enjoy it and was surprised and a little disgusted thinking what is this?) As i was really understanding your whole view about this, does this mean, something has changes or you have turned gay/ you will turn gay regardless of what you think, whether you accept the though or not. (I know that is not the case and what i told myself is.) I’m not directly asking for reassurance. I think i’m doing a great job and i just need you to express your honest opinion. Also, trust me, i used to be very bad at this starting with just a thought. I was so uncomfortable with just a single thought that the trainer is hitting on me. If i had that though now. i would totally laugh at my own self this very moment and wouldn’t say that it means I’m gay. So i know for sure that I’m really dong a good job especially after not being worried after watching straight porn today and seeing flashes of gay porn. The funny thing is that prior to this when i used to watch porn without hocd. I would see preview shots of gay porn/ penis enhancement ads and would shrug it off not even aware of it and still continue to pursue what i really went for (straight porn). I think what i did today, partly unconsciously and bold was to actually click on the preview shots of the gay porn, look at it and not judge anything. Even though i never got aroused, i didn’t count this as complete reason for recovery though i was happy and more relieved that it was like that, i didn’t dwell on it and say that i’m ok. Based on all this, i think I’ve done a great job and shouldn’t feel bad as I’ve. My hocd tricks me into thinking that you’ve contaminated yourself/mind by seeing those pictures of preview shots, but i see it as a good thing as those intrusive thoughts/ images /people are less spiking now to the point where i don’t even worry about some of them completely. Pretty much not scared of it. So I’m asking your view on this whether i should feel bad about this or whether this is a bad things or whether watching it will change anything negatively. Also since i see sense in the whole idea of beating hocd and am pretty much not worrying and allowing those thoughts to be there and pretty much decided to beat this by doing the opposite and what the hocd tells me, i think I’m doing a good job so it won’t be necessary to go to a therapist. The hocd used to trick me into thinking that if you don’t go to a therapist you won’t be okay and it would scare me a lot, but now even if it brings that up, automatically the part of my brain that understands this tell me that it’s not necessary to give into that and whether I’ll feel good or never feel good doesn’t matter. This helps me a lot and keeps me very satisfied and ok. So is all this progress and am i on the right track? Based on what I’ve explained am i doing the right thing. I’m not giving any attention to what the hocd says. Mindfulness is helping me a lot and telling me that if i don’t do/worry about what the hocd says, it doesn’t matter. Is this the mindset that i should continue having regardless of seeing those images. Deep down i know that those images mean nothing pretty much. They’ve actually helped me to the point where I’m not worried about gay stuff anymore. Does this sudden “being okay” mean good or bad. Either way mindfulness is telling me that it’s actually a good thing as i’m not worried about it. I haven’t contaminated anything. I didn’t even watch the videos, others do and don’t even worry about it and here i am worrying about seeing them even though i didn’t like it. I just observed. So please give me your honest opinion about as much as you can about my long post and tell me if I’m doing great. If i am i will continue on my own with more uncertainty and exposure without response. Even though that is confusing. It has helped me be very calm not. The only thing is that the hocd makes it look like, because you’re not worrying, you like it or have turned gay. Please let me know what you think about all this. Just understanding. That’s all I’m asking. I know I’m doing a great job. Also what i want to do is continue with my life, pursuing girls like i used to not because of testing, maybe that will happen unconsciously, but i wouldn’t even dwell on it as anything. How i will feel about it whether good or bad is how i feel about it, also exercising, programming and doing personal projects, watching movies(didn’t feel excitement watching it ), playing video games and etc. Do you see this as a good sign? Is this something i should just continue doing regardless of how hocd makes me feel. It’s not reality is just thought that makes you feel a certain way, its not fact right. But either way it doesn’t help to even prove that to your hocd, that’s what i’ve learnt. Just help me understand some more and if what I’m doing is right, encourage me to move on. If that is the case that I’m doing well then i’m totally ok with whatever hocd had done, is doing or will do, and know with all what you’re saying that that’s the best way to deal/go about it. Thank you very much once again for your articles and posts. It is really helping a lot of people and can even heal someone completely. Again i know this is really long, but try your best to read and answer as much as you can so that i can understand it more. I think that will help a lot . Waiting for you reply. The good thing is that even after all this i’m not worried. Is this a good sign of progress or recovery Kay. Jonathan Hershfield December 28, 2013 at 1:08 am - Reply >>>>>Hi Hershfield, first of all i would like to thank you very much for your articles. To people who suffer from hocd, you really understand this. Thank you. I only hope you will reply to my post and give me your honest take on this even though it might skip you. Either way if you can’t, Just typing this alone on here is great. I know this is long but it will mean a lot if you read this an give me your feedback, not reassure. —Episodes of The Voice are long. This is Lord of the Rings long. But, you had me at “not reassure.” >>>>I am a straight 24 year old male and have never experienced anything like this before. I consider myself a critical thinker who likes to analyze everything going on to the max/detail. —Interesting thing about critical thinking is that it actually does not involve analyzing down to the final detail. True critical thinking involves examining the things that are actually relevant and carefully resisting the urge to over-analyze. That’s why critical thinking actually helps OCD when it is actually critical thinking. >>>>I think i have been going through this for more than a month now but now i think I’m not worrying about it anymore or confused (but confident and happy that I’m not worrying as i see it as a good thing. I will tell you why). I am not even scared nor worried for typing what i just said. I would have been worried at first. I believe I’m not fearing or worried because i have consciously and/or unconsciously practiced exposure to the point where most of my fears are gone. However this all of a sudden “being okay and normal” confuses me a lot, even though it feels good not to worry. —If it is the case that you have been doing exposure w/ response prevention and this has changed the way you respond to your intrusive thoughts, then it is very common for a person who has met with such success to experience “backdoor spiking” – this is the obsessive concern with being “too ok” with a fear. >>>>It all started at work where i was introduced to a trainer who i was supposed to be trained under. The whole staff were nice including the trainer, but he was being too nice to me, wanting my phone number and asking where i live and lot more. He acted gay (talked like a lady etc hope you know what i mean). I’m not saying he was/is, but from where i come from and how i was trained i couldn’t help it but move away from him thinking he wanted to hit on me or something. So i switched departments by telling the head of department, and later found out that he might not be gay (even though it was still unknown whether he is.). This made me feel guilty to the point where i had to go to the trainer himself and explain why i left. I told him everything including the fact that i thought he was gay and was scared and moved away due to the fact that things like that are unheard of from where i come from. He was understanding and explained to me that he likes to treat everyone as a father, and this made feel relief and felt really comfortable afterwards (even though he didn’t actually say he wasn’t gay). This made me worry sometimes that he didn’t clarify but it’s a lot better now as the more i understand this exposure, i realize i don’t need to know. —What’s unclear here is why the idea of a gay man flirting with you is of any real concern. Though it might make anyone uncomfortable or feel like their personal space is being encroached upon, it is not clear what exists in this scenario that is cause for actual “worry.” In HOCD, there is a common distorted belief that if a gay person hits on you, it means the gay person is seeing into your “true gay soul.” This is silly. Though if I am understanding correctly what you have written, some of your discomfort may have come from some kind of culture shock that caused you anxiety. I am very curious where you are from that gay people are unheard of. Of course the irony of all of this is that people who are over-friendly like this man often have social anxiety and use these types of behavior to compensate for their fear of not being liked. >>>>After all that the hocd started hitting me bit by bit and, came with full force and now has almost vanished which surprises me a lot. When i went to the trainer to explain things to him i knew i felt guilty but the hocd tricked me into thinking that, that was attraction or whatever, i would try to shrug it off by telling myself that it was not, but it would always come back with full force it made me feel guilty. I felt like telling everyone else, told my stepmom, my brother briefly, my close friends as i thought telling people would take off some of the load. Infact it did and made me feel understood but after a day, will feel bad again and feel like i have to tell more people or else i wouldn’t feel better. —This is a confession compulsion and that’s why it didn’t work in the long run. You were having thoughts and the content of the thoughts had to do with the idea of you being gay. By confessing, you manipulate others into reassuring you that you are not gay, which turns the thoughts from meaningless non-events in the head to what seems like very important messages from your mind. >>>>I have read almost everything on hocd online, spending hours and hours daily, blogs, forums, articles (before i saw yours). They would make me feel better and feel relief that at least someone is going through the same thing, but will feel like i need more to keep me going and keep me happy. Almost everyone was saying stay away from the internet for reassurance but it was inevitable for someone like me/others suffering as i/we really needed it. I learnt a lot and am understanding it now but gradually. —Well, you convinced yourself you needed it by the fact that it gave you relief. This is how all compulsions work. You learn to repeat them because you associate them with relief from suffering (it’s called negative reinforcement). But it is important to get at least some information about OCd to start. Now you have it, so stay off the internet for HOCD reasons. >>>>There would be good days and just when i feel like i’m great today, it will start all over and i will start feeling bad. There will be days where i feel great and really happy doing something fun, but when i remember all this, my mood will instantly drop and will feel sad, and ask myself why. Does this mean this, or that? and so on. I would sometimes force myself to be happy, but deep inside i know i have to fix something before i can move on and be happy and then, bam, i’m down again. I used to be really enthusiastic about everything, exercise, school, personal projects, girls, video games, life basically but now even though i do enjoy some of them, i think i don’t have that same drive to do anything. I can go on and on and tell you how i worried a lot and will never finish. —Thank you. >>>>Anytime i would read about something, i would worry about it, for example if i read that someone says he did this and it really helped, my hocd will tell me if you don’t do the same thing you will never feel better. If you don’t go to a therapist, you will never feel better and then i will start worrying even though i wasn’t prior to this. I have been hit by almost every angle to the point where i can tell this is just ocd and not real but it does feel real. It’s funny, but i read something about someone who said that we should stop looking for answers or that you will have a sexual identity crisis and boom, my hocd latched on to it and i was worried to the max and felt really down. Now i don’t even think that is the case. Even if it is. I’m not worrying about it. But seriously it’s not. I know the hocd make you think scary thoughts and could be that because i was scared he said that, i think it’s going to happen to me. Because prior to this, if you told me this, i wouldn’t even bother about it. So i knew it could be hocd because one time i was worried, but now i’m not. Either way i’m not going to worry about it. Please let me know about my attitude towards this. —-Worrying is a mental strategy people employ to make themselves feel in-control of events outside of their control. It is always preferable to accept uncertainty and resist worrying. >>>>However i have been reading your view on this that talks about accepting uncertainty and not seeking and asking for answers even when you’re in the face of what you fear of are not sure of. This is scary and very confusing but i think i understand it perfectly and have been putting it into practice and will tell you what i’m doing about it if that it a good thing. After reading through some of you articles and responses to others you talk pretty much about the same thing and just when i was reading i started unconsciously accepting uncertainty and guess what everything felt okay all of a sudden. I will even intentionally expose myself to things that made me really anxious and things that i talked myself out of when faced with. For example if a though pops into my head that i’m gay, i used to tell myself i’m not gay until it would go down a little, but will always come back. But this time i didn’t do anything and just allowed it. Even though my body was like say something to disprove it, i didn’t. I felt uncomfortable for not saying anything but it didn’t bother me again. What i’ve learnt is that you should accept uncertainty regardless of what happens. And i mean whatever that happens no matter how uncomfortable or painful or unsure it is. Accept it and move on and let your brain no that it’s no big deal even if it goes against you. I have done this. I did this to the point where i didn’t react to anything, whether it makes me feel good or bad. And guess what i felt okay and happy regardless of how uncomfortable it is. Is this progress? —-Sounds right to me. >>>>>There is a problem and question i will like to ask you though. I felt okay to the point i was surprised that i am not worrying about anything anymore. i am not feeling unhappy or extremely happy. I just felt different like those thoughts don’t affect me anymore even though it might sound bothering and triggering. It didn’t make me spike, or do any mental ritual. I just didn’t react to it and i was surprised and really happy. Infact i was reading your article 4 and it made so much sence afterwards especially after the little bits of youtube videos linked to it (funny though) and how you explained to it. Everything seems to make so much sense. I felt really comfortable to the point that i decided to watch porn not because i want to check but because i just want to because it had been a while and just stop afterwards. I used to be afraid of watching porn due to the fact that i would see a gay picture or something that was gay and something would happen. But this time prior to watching the porn i felt really confident that even i see anything like that it doesn’t change my sexual orientation. It’s just something that is not just me and when i see it, move to what i really came for (straight porn) and not worry about seeing it and obsess over it. I felt really okay. Went out to buy something and everything feels so good and like i’m normal. But again i didn’t say that i’m healed i just observed how i feel lived in that moment and moved on. I didn’t conclude that i’m healed completely. just observe and move on. —-Yep, sounds good. >>>>So i went ahead and watched porn and was really aroused prior to watching it and guess what, among the videos of straight porn on the site were gay ones (less though). When i saw it, i was a bit scared at the moment and moved my eyes of it to the straight porn but then i realized, why are you scared it you’re not gay. I told myself previously that i would never watch stuff like that. Also i thought this slight room could give me a chance to do some unconscious exposure without judging. that gave me the confidence to go ahead and click on it, not play the video. I saw the preview shots of the video i clicked. Again i did not play the video, but what i saw didn’t arouse me one bit and i lost my erection because of that. Someone like me suffering from hocd would have been very worried about losing my erection and rejoice and say that i’m not finally gay, but after remembering what i have read about not judging and just observing i just observed. It didn’t arouse me, it was attractive even though it was sexual, i didn’t feel aroused, just a little anxious and shocked i was looking at preview pictures like that. Either way, that gave me confidence and i started to scroll down to see other pictures of gay men actually in the act. It all was the same. Stayed there for around a minute without any erection or arousal (just a little anxiety/a tiny little spike as it was really unusual). Did this back and forth for a while And them moved on. When i moved on to straight porn it was/felt great even though i was a little overwhelmed at just doing what i did. I had trouble concentrating on the straight porn for just a few seconds as my hocd was trying to tell me that what you’ve watched means you’re gay or you enjoyed it even though i didn’t and wasn’t aroused or got an erection from it but i reminded myself that you were doing that only as exposure, without judging, what happened, happened and it doesn’t change anything about you. That helped me concentrate on the straight porn and basically finished off to the straight porn a couple times until now that i’m writing this post. —-I now have a very clear image of you writing this post. >>>>Porn is something i stayed away from and have decided to stay away from not because of watching it today and all what i experience or saw. I’m surprised that i’m not even worried about this and am saying this. I am stopping because it has it’s own bad effects and basically it’s a personal choice to quit it cold turkey regardless. Again not because i saw picture of preview shots of gays/gay porn (Look i’m not even worried or spiking after typing this. Surprising). It’s just a habit i want to pick up. So no more porn starting today (Excited). However the little hocd i around makes me feel bad for seeing those and makes me think that, because i saw/watched it, something has changed about me and that i’ve turned gay even though i know that is not the case (I don’t question it compulsively). I just want to ask a few questions so please do your best to answer them honestly and help me understand (not reassure as i know reassuring doesn’t help. but help me understand. thanks) —-This is a setup. >>>>What i tell myself (not compulsively) is that i went to watch porn just for entertainment because i wanted to see one particular female porn star. So seeing a gay preview (which i was really not okay with initially even in my head, and going ahead to see the other ones, was just an exposure to not judge anything, just to observe, even though i did not enjoy it and was surprised and a little disgusted thinking what is this?) As i was really understanding your whole view about this, does this mean, something has changes or you have turned gay/ you will turn gay regardless of what you think, whether you accept the though or not. (I know that is not the case and what i told myself is.) I’m not directly asking for reassurance. I think i’m doing a great job and i just need you to express your honest opinion. —-I don’t understand the question, but it sounds like you are trying to prove to yourself that it was ok to do the exposure. You seem to be trying to get certainty, both from me and from yourself, that nothing bad did or could happen as a result of looking at the images you looked at. You should not try to get certainty. >>>>Also, trust me, i used to be very bad at this starting with just a thought. I was so uncomfortable with just a single thought that the trainer is hitting on me. If i had that though now. i would totally laugh at my own self this very moment and wouldn’t say that it means I’m gay. So i know for sure that I’m really dong a good job especially after not being worried after watching straight porn today and seeing flashes of gay porn. The funny thing is that prior to this when i used to watch porn without hocd. I would see preview shots of gay porn/ penis enhancement ads and would shrug it off not even aware of it and still continue to pursue what i really went for (straight porn). I think what i did today, partly unconsciously and bold was to actually click on the preview shots of the gay porn, look at it and not judge anything. Even though i never got aroused, i didn’t count this as complete reason for recovery though i was happy and more relieved that it was like that, i didn’t dwell on it and say that i’m ok. Based on all this, i think I’ve done a great job and shouldn’t feel bad as I’ve. —-You keep repeating that you have done a great job as if you are asking me to validate it for you. You should simply accept that you feel good about yourself and not ruin it with reassurance seeking compulsions. >>>>My hocd tricks me into thinking that you’ve contaminated yourself/mind by seeing those pictures of preview shots, but i see it as a good thing as those intrusive thoughts/ images /people are less spiking now to the point where i don’t even worry about some of them completely. Pretty much not scared of it. —The standard treatment approach in a situation like this would be to do more ERP to gay imagery and tell yourself it might make you gay. You are still compulsively trying to reassure yourself that it is ok, which is a trap. >>>>So I’m asking your view on this whether i should feel bad about this or whether this is a bad things or whether watching it will change anything negatively. —You need to do exposure to this obsession that you may have done the wrong thing. You can do this by actually following through with the porn ERP (instead of one-time checking like you did) or by telling yourself that you may have done the wrong thing and may never know the real truth on the matter. >>>>Also since i see sense in the whole idea of beating hocd and am pretty much not worrying and allowing those thoughts to be there and pretty much decided to beat this by doing the opposite and what the hocd tells me, i think I’m doing a good job so it won’t be necessary to go to a therapist. —I can’t help you make that decision based on a blog comment. Many people do well by engaging in self-CBT, usually with the help of a workbook. Many people do well with the help of an ocd specialist. Only you can make that assessment. >>>>The hocd used to trick me into thinking that if you don’t go to a therapist you won’t be okay and it would scare me a lot, but now even if it brings that up, automatically the part of my brain that understands this tell me that it’s not necessary to give into that and whether I’ll feel good or never feel good doesn’t matter. This helps me a lot and keeps me very satisfied and ok. So is all this progress and am i on the right track? Based on what I’ve explained am i doing the right thing. I’m not giving any attention to what the hocd says. Mindfulness is helping me a lot and telling me that if i don’t do/worry about what the hocd says, it doesn’t matter. Is this the mindset that i should continue having regardless of seeing those images. Deep down i know that those images mean nothing pretty much. They’ve actually helped me to the point where I’m not worried about gay stuff anymore. Does this sudden “being okay” mean good or bad. Either way mindfulness is telling me that it’s actually a good thing as i’m not worried about it. I haven’t contaminated anything. I didn’t even watch the videos, others do and don’t even worry about it and here i am worrying about seeing them even though i didn’t like it. I just observed. So please give me your honest opinion about as much as you can about my long post and tell me if I’m doing great. —My opinion is that your post is indeed very long. This is likely because you are compulsively trying to ensure that all the details of your situation have been laid out so I can give you the reassurance you want about whether you are doing CBT for your OCD perfectly. You then go on to rationalize and minimize the significance of watching what you watched, which I think does you an injustice. My recommendation would be to watch more and actually make it ERP. >>>>If i am i will continue on my own with more uncertainty and exposure without response. Even though that is confusing. It has helped me be very calm not. The only thing is that the hocd makes it look like, because you’re not worrying, you like it or have turned gay. —You can do exposure to this fear. >>>>Please let me know what you think about all this. Just understanding. That’s all I’m asking. I know I’m doing a great job. Also what i want to do is continue with my life, pursuing girls like i used to not because of testing, maybe that will happen unconsciously, but i wouldn’t even dwell on it as anything. How i will feel about it whether good or bad is how i feel about it, also exercising, programming and doing personal projects, watching movies(didn’t feel excitement watching it ), playing video games and etc. Do you see this as a good sign? Is this something i should just continue doing regardless of how hocd makes me feel. It’s not reality is just thought that makes you feel a certain way, its not fact right. But either way it doesn’t help to even prove that to your hocd, that’s what i’ve learnt. Just help me understand some more and if what I’m doing is right, encourage me to move on. If that is the case that I’m doing well then i’m totally ok with whatever hocd had done, is doing or will do, and know with all what you’re saying that that’s the best way to deal/go about it. Thank you very much once again for your articles and posts. It is really helping a lot of people and can even heal someone completely. Again i know this is really long, but try your best to read and answer as much as you can so that i can understand it more. I think that will help a lot . Waiting for you reply. —Yeah, it’s really long, man. 😉 I think you are on the right track with accepting uncertainty, but I think you need to rein in the compulsive confessing, reassurance seeking, and mental review, and work harder on more specific exposure with response prevention exercises. >>>>The good thing is that even after all this i’m not worried. Is this a good sign of progress or recovery —Could be. Kay December 29, 2013 at 3:25 am - Reply Hi Hershfield, Thanks for replying. It was funny when you mentioned “lord of the rings long”. I will try and make this reply to your response as precise as possible and not too long. Maybe “Odyssey” long. Thanks. About critical thinking, what i was trying to get to you was that i tend to read meaning and worry about every single detail about things (especially this situation) and make sure i have the answer before i move on. But i’ve realized that’s bad habit. Good description though. How do I deal with backdoor spiking and what is your simply meaning of cbt. Not erp. About me thinking the trainer was flirting with me, It wasn’t mainly because my personal space was being encroached upon. It also wasn’t mainly because i think that he saw “a true gay soul” even though the hocd latched onto it and i started thinking for a while that maybe that was the case. But now i can tell that’s not a good sign and that starting to worry is not good. I think you were right by saying maybe it was a culture shock that caused me anxiety. What i was thinking that time was whether he hitting on me, getting close to me would have anything to do with me being gay/turning gay even though i knew that wasn’t the case. That was how my fear/hocd started in the first place. A combination of all those. Also what you said about gay people having social anxiety about not being liked makes a lot sense. I also knew that the confession compulsion was a bad thing after it gave so much relief for telling someone who gets you. I get it now and have stopped telling people regardless of how bad i feel. lol Thanking me for not telling you the rest of the discomfort i went through was really funny. It made me laugh a lot. Also i have decided not to worry and accept uncertainty regardless of how bad i feel. Also you having a very clear image of me writing that post at that time was really funny. I don’t understand the part of your response that say “This is a setup”. What is the setup? Quitting porn or because i saw/watched it, something has changed about me and that i’ve turned gay even though i know that is not the case? I think you were right by saying that i was trying to prove myself that it was ok doing the exposure. I was trying to get certainty that maybe nothing bad will happen, and will stick with your advice. I remember at one point that i was even going to confess to my pastor that i had done this hoping that this will take away some of the guilt, but then i stopped for all this reason. I knew it would give me relief on the short term but might be terrible later. I watched it and shouldn’t feel bad or think or even know what is going to happen. It happened and i can’t change that whether i feel bad or not. I am having the attitude of “Whatever happened, happened and move on with life”. Also i think you were right that i wanted you to say that i was doing a good job somehow to keep me on track and would have seen that as a bit of a relief. From all that i have learnt about this, It is not a good habit even if it makes me really uncomfortable. I am not going to reassure myself that it was ok that i watched the gay imagery. It’s a bad habit and doesn’t help in the long term. Only in the short. However after seeing enough of it, what if your mind sees this as some sort of compulsion that it needs you to keep seeing them in order to get relief. In that case would that be considered a compulsion and avoid it using CBT. I have pretty much accepted the fact that i watched it and move on regardless of what will happen, but my brain is tricking me into thinking that even though you’ve seen enough, you have to see it anytime you feel scared and uneasy to get some sort of relief. And i know using it to get relief would be some kind of compulsion. I also know erp should be watching without judging/experiencing anything in life that makes you spike/uneasy/fearful without judging. What is your take on this? would that be considered a compulsion. My take on it is that, I watched it (without judging), I am moving on and not even analyze the response. But what if my brain is tricking me somehow into thinking that, now you’ve watched it, you need to watch it every time you’re going through an episode or a scary moment in order to feel relief. Would you have to use cbt instead to shrug that off as it could be illogical thinking (I think it is. I just comes up with anything) or if worst comes to worst, tell myself that i might have done the wrong thing and may never know the real truth on the matter as you suggested. I’m not going to worry about whether or not something bad is going to happen for watching the gay imagery. Also for anyone who might read through my post, i made a statement “it was attractive even though it was sexual”. What i meant was “it wasn’t attractive even though it was sexual”. Also i wanted you take on this. Before all this started i used to be really excited and happy about everything. Even the slightest thing will make me happy and laugh (ex. Watching movies, listening to music, the smell of perfumes, seeing the sunshine, you know, just life. I’m wierd i know lol). But after this happened i’m not as excited and happy when i compare it to how i used to feel. For example, i would be in a happy mood, and change mood once i think about all this. When i watch a movie that’s nice and exciting i tend to think about this and it cause me to not even enjoy it. Someone cracks a joke and once i start finding it funny and start laughing, my mind reminds me of this and then my mood changes from happy to neutral or sad/depressed. It’s now a bit ok but when it all happened i couldn’t help but associate this with never being happy or achieving anything in life even though i had lots of dreams and plans. Is this normal? What’s your take on this? and how do i apply erp to this? Also is it normal that all this can affect your confidence level in general and what would be a way to use erp in this sense to deal with situations like this. Thanks. Haha, sorry about my initial long post. I made you read all that, but thanks a lot. Great work. I’ve tried my best to not ask compulsively here to seek reassurance and made this as short as possible. Hope it’s a bit of a relief even though it might still be long somehow. This hocd thing is interesting, maybe the best thing to do will be to go through it blindfolded and take life on as your erp lol and do my day to day activities (exercising, programming, watching movies, playing video games) lol Kay December 29, 2013 at 4:26 am - Reply Also you were curious about where i was from. Africa but live in the United States now and have been here for a couple of years, so that’s why it was surprising to me. Because i never experienced anything like this. It just doesn’t happen and even if is there, is shun on and looked down upon. The funny thing about all this is, i never feared like this and pretty much was openminded about that. But i thing when this involved me personally, i started having those thoughts. I answered because you were wondering where i was from. Thanks. Happy New Year. Jonathan Hershfield December 30, 2013 at 8:36 pm - Reply >>>>Hi Hershfield, Thanks for replying. It was funny when you mentioned “lord of the rings long”. I will try and make this reply to your response as precise as possible and not too long. Maybe “Odyssey” long. Thanks. —-Fingers crossed. >>>>About critical thinking, what i was trying to get to you was that i tend to read meaning and worry about every single detail about things (especially this situation) and make sure i have the answer before i move on. But i’ve realized that’s bad habit. Good description though. —More than a bad habit, you need to look at your attempts to find certainty in the meaning of things as a mental compulsion. >>>>How do I deal with backdoor spiking and what is your simply meaning of cbt. Not erp. —Backdoor spiking should be dealt with the same way as any unwanted thought, which is by doing exposure to the idea that your lack of upset means you could be gay. Also by accepting that you will spike sometimes because that’s what it;s like to have OCD and nothing needs to be done about it (least of all trying to figure out what it means!). CBT stands for cognitive behavioral therapy. It is a form of therapy that includes addressing distorted thinking (cognitive therapy) and changing behaviors (through exposure w/ response prevention). >>>About me thinking the trainer was flirting with me, It wasn’t mainly because my personal space was being encroached upon. It also wasn’t mainly because i think that he saw “a true gay soul” even though the hocd latched onto it and i started thinking for a while that maybe that was the case. But now i can tell that’s not a good sign and that starting to worry is not good. I think you were right by saying maybe it was a culture shock that caused me anxiety. What i was thinking that time was whether he hitting on me, getting close to me would have anything to do with me being gay/turning gay even though i knew that wasn’t the case. That was how my fear/hocd started in the first place. A combination of all those. Also what you said about gay people having social anxiety about not being liked makes a lot sense. I also knew that the confession compulsion was a bad thing after it gave so much relief for telling someone who gets you. I get it now and have stopped telling people regardless of how bad i feel. —You misunderstood what I was saying. I don’t know if gay people have more social anxiety than straight people (I doubt it). I was not saying he was gay. I was saying he may have been overly friendly because he has social anxiety because a lot of people with social anxiety either avoid people or go to extremes trying to get people to like them. This is ironic because the way he may have been dealing with his anxiety was triggering your own anxiety. Anyway, he may have just been a friendly person. >>>lol Thanking me for not telling you the rest of the discomfort i went through was really funny. It made me laugh a lot. Also i have decided not to worry and accept uncertainty regardless of how bad i feel. Also you having a very clear image of me writing that post at that time was really funny. I don’t understand the part of your response that say “This is a setup”. What is the setup? Quitting porn or because i saw/watched it, something has changed about me and that i’ve turned gay even though i know that is not the case? —-If you look at where I said it, I was responding to the fact that you were setting me up to give you reassurance. >>>>I think you were right by saying that i was trying to prove myself that it was ok doing the exposure. I was trying to get certainty that maybe nothing bad will happen, and will stick with your advice. I remember at one point that i was even going to confess to my pastor that i had done this hoping that this will take away some of the guilt, but then i stopped for all this reason. I knew it would give me relief on the short term but might be terrible later. I watched it and shouldn’t feel bad or think or even know what is going to happen. It happened and i can’t change that whether i feel bad or not. I am having the attitude of “Whatever happened, happened and move on with life”. —That’s good that you resisted reassurance seeking with the pastor and that’s find that you are taking a “whatever happened, happened” approach. I still think you should do more ERP to gay imagery until you stop treating it like it’s important. But if you don’t, you have to stop trying to convince yourself it was ok when you did. >>>>Also i think you were right that i wanted you to say that i was doing a good job somehow to keep me on track and would have seen that as a bit of a relief. From all that i have learnt about this, It is not a good habit even if it makes me really uncomfortable. I am not going to reassure myself that it was ok that i watched the gay imagery. It’s a bad habit and doesn’t help in the long term. Only in the short. However after seeing enough of it, what if your mind sees this as some sort of compulsion that it needs you to keep seeing them in order to get relief. In that case would that be considered a compulsion and avoid it using CBT. —You will have to work out the complexities of when a behavior is compulsive with a therapist. In general, if the goal is to relieve anxiety about an intrusive thought, then it is probably a compulsion. Watching gay porn in an attempt to reassure yourself that you don’t like it would definitely be compulsive. Watching it while resisting the urge to self-reassure and check, and accepting that it may “turn you gay” would be an exposure. >>>>I have pretty much accepted the fact that i watched it and move on regardless of what will happen, but my brain is tricking me into thinking that even though you’ve seen enough, you have to see it anytime you feel scared and uneasy to get some sort of relief. And i know using it to get relief would be some kind of compulsion. —Right, as a general note, you want ERP like this to be done in specific intentional exercises, and not simply as direct responses to being triggered. I have worked with clients who write themselves worst-case-scenario stories every time they get triggered. On the surface this may look like an exposure, but it is actually a covert ritual. >>>I also know erp should be watching without judging/experiencing anything in life that makes you spike/uneasy/fearful without judging. What is your take on this? would that be considered a compulsion. My take on it is that, I watched it (without judging), I am moving on and not even analyze the response. But what if my brain is tricking me somehow into thinking that, now you’ve watched it, you need to watch it every time you’re going through an episode or a scary moment in order to feel relief. Would you have to use cbt instead to shrug that off as it could be illogical thinking (I think it is. I just comes up with anything) or if worst comes to worst, tell myself that i might have done the wrong thing and may never know the real truth on the matter as you suggested. I’m not going to worry about whether or not something bad is going to happen for watching the gay imagery. —-I think the experience triggered you and you should do exposure to the things that trigger you until they stop triggering you. >>>>Also for anyone who might read through my post, i made a statement “it was attractive even though it was sexual”. What i meant was “it wasn’t attractive even though it was sexual”. —Also, for anyone who may be reading this post, THAT was a compulsion. >>>>Also i wanted you take on this. Before all this started i used to be really excited and happy about everything. Even the slightest thing will make me happy and laugh (ex. Watching movies, listening to music, the smell of perfumes, seeing the sunshine, you know, just life. I’m wierd i know lol). But after this happened i’m not as excited and happy when i compare it to how i used to feel. —You can’t feel joy while comparing it to other feelings. You have to stop checking and comparing your feelings and accept them each as they are in the present moment. Then they feel more vibrant. It’s the checking that mutes everything. It’s like trying to tickle yourself. >>>>For example, i would be in a happy mood, and change mood once i think about all this. When i watch a movie that’s nice and exciting i tend to think about this and it cause me to not even enjoy it. Someone cracks a joke and once i start finding it funny and start laughing, my mind reminds me of this and then my mood changes from happy to neutral or sad/depressed. It’s now a bit ok but when it all happened i couldn’t help but associate this with never being happy or achieving anything in life even though i had lots of dreams and plans. Is this normal? What’s your take on this? and how do i apply erp to this? —Label and abandon the efforts to check and assess your feelings, and tell yourself you may be having the wrong reactions to things. >>>>Also is it normal that all this can affect your confidence level in general and what would be a way to use erp in this sense to deal with situations like this. Thanks. —What people do to regain confidence can vary. At the core of it, I would say it comes down to behaving like a person who is confident, which means behaving like a person who is willing to accept that if he is wrong, he will be able to cope with the consequences. Mentally reviewing whether or not you made a mistake would be the behavior of someone who is not confident, so you’re brain figures you must not be confident. >>>>Haha, sorry about my initial long post. I made you read all that, but thanks a lot. Great work. I’ve tried my best to not ask compulsively here to seek reassurance and made this as short as possible. Hope it’s a bit of a relief even though it might still be long somehow. This hocd thing is interesting, maybe the best thing to do will be to go through it blindfolded and take life on as your erp lol and do my day to day activities (exercising, programming, watching movies, playing video games) lol —Life is ERP, I agree. Kay December 31, 2013 at 3:32 am Thank you Hershfield. That was helpful information. Happy New Year. John December 28, 2013 at 10:48 pm - Reply Hello Mr. Hershfield. I’d like to state now that I am sending this message not looking for reassurance, but a matter of fact statement. I’ve done too much reassuring this developing this condition, and I’m ready to try and push forward. With that in mind, I’ll try and regale quickly if possible my story and then my query. I have had HOCD for four, going on five years. I’ve had OCD probably out of the womb honestly, I’ve had counting, hoarding, and washing ticks since I can remember. Also, the very first time (around eight or nine) I learned what homosexuality was, I immediately feared I was gay. These thoughts passed after about a couple weeks, but HOCD isn’t necessarily new for me. Then about seven years later my true boxing match with it began. I’m not sure if having it this young is relevant or not, but I thought it’d be worth mentioning. Anyways, when I first started compulsions, I thought they were real questions that I needed to ask and answer. I thought perhaps it was a phase, or maybe even a true coming out process. After several months, it became clear to me this wasn’t the case. I moved on then to thinking it was something I over thought and believed I’d move on from. It didn’t. Then I thought it was a bad habit and thought I could break it. I couldn’t. It wasn’t until a couple years ago I learned I had HOCD. Obviously the relief at the time was huge, but against all odds, my life has gotten inexplicably WORSE since the revelation of it being HOCD. Now every waking moment is HOCD centric. I’ve analyzed my dreams, thoughts, everything. I spend time trying not to obsess, fighting it. I have gay thoughts almost every day and homosexual imagery obviously pops up. I used porn a lot early on and I think that lent a certain “fantasy” component to the way my mind forms these thoughts. I don’t know. I just… gah it’s tough to describe. I HATE these thoughts. I want these thoughts GONE. Yet I feel like I NEED to think them. I feel if I don’t they’ll just linger there forever and eat me up. Then I found out about tranny porn and androgynous male imagery. Now that pretty much is nonstop on my mind. So my query is, do I let these thoughts be? Should I just allow my brain to have them and let go and hope it runs through my system? I’ve read all about acceptance and mindfulness but I just can’t figure out what that means. Is it a form of graceful ignorance? Or do I interact with them in a hopes of coexistence? I’m not looking for reassurance. I understand that thoughts aren’t actions. We all have weird thoughts, from violent to sexual. Having a thought about a man doesn’t make me anymore gay than a thought about a woman makes Elton John straight. I’m here to learn how to circumvent my thoughts so I have I dunno… breathing room? Thank you for your time if you choose to respond. Your blogs are educational and great, and you useful are very kind and helpful. Happy Holidays. 🙂 Jonathan Hershfield December 30, 2013 at 8:16 pm - Reply >>>Hello Mr. Hershfield. I’d like to state now that I am sending this message not looking for reassurance, but a matter of fact statement. I’ve done too much reassuring this developing this condition, and I’m ready to try and push forward. —Good! >>>With that in mind, I’ll try and regale quickly if possible my story and then my query. I have had HOCD for four, going on five years. I’ve had OCD probably out of the womb honestly, I’ve had counting, hoarding, and washing ticks since I can remember. Also, the very first time (around eight or nine) I learned what homosexuality was, I immediately feared I was gay. These thoughts passed after about a couple weeks, but HOCD isn’t necessarily new for me. Then about seven years later my true boxing match with it began. I’m not sure if having it this young is relevant or not, but I thought it’d be worth mentioning. —Many people develop OCD symptoms when they’re quite young and in my experience these people tend to eventually do the world tour of potential obsessions, including HOCD. >>>>Anyways, when I first started compulsions, I thought they were real questions that I needed to ask and answer. I thought perhaps it was a phase, or maybe even a true coming out process. After several months, it became clear to me this wasn’t the case. I moved on then to thinking it was something I over thought and believed I’d move on from. It didn’t. Then I thought it was a bad habit and thought I could break it. I couldn’t. It wasn’t until a couple years ago I learned I had HOCD. Obviously the relief at the time was huge, but against all odds, my life has gotten inexplicably WORSE since the revelation of it being HOCD. —I’m not clear what you mean by “bad habit” or what behaviors you changed to move on from this obsession. >>>Now every waking moment is HOCD centric. I’ve analyzed my dreams, thoughts, everything. I spend time trying not to obsess, fighting it. I have gay thoughts almost every day and homosexual imagery obviously pops up. I used porn a lot early on and I think that lent a certain “fantasy” component to the way my mind forms these thoughts. I don’t know. I just… gah it’s tough to describe. I HATE these thoughts. I want these thoughts GONE. Yet I feel like I NEED to think them. I feel if I don’t they’ll just linger there forever and eat me up. Then I found out about tranny porn and androgynous male imagery. Now that pretty much is nonstop on my mind. —-What I’m hearing is that you are doing a LOT of compulsions and that this appears to be your main strategy for coping with the unwanted thoughts. You will have to stop doing compulsions and do exposure to the idea that these thoughts you hate are indeed still just thoughts and may or may not go away if you let them be. >>>>So my query is, do I let these thoughts be? Should I just allow my brain to have them and let go and hope it runs through my system? —I would say have them, let go, and call “hoping” another ritual. Accept that they may stay. The only reason they feel like intruders to you is because you treat them as intrusive. >>>>I’ve read all about acceptance and mindfulness but I just can’t figure out what that means. Is it a form of graceful ignorance? —I don’t know what that means. Mindfulness in this context simply means acknowledging that you are in the presence of certain thoughts and accepting them AS thoughts without weighing in on their potential significance. Unicorn. You also just had a thought about unicorns. This you can accept without doing rituals to try to get it to go away. The same is true of all thoughts. >>>>Or do I interact with them in a hopes of coexistence? —Any interaction with them should come in the form of accepting uncertainty about them or doing exposure to them. >>>>I’m not looking for reassurance. I understand that thoughts aren’t actions. We all have weird thoughts, from violent to sexual. Having a thought about a man doesn’t make me anymore gay than a thought about a woman makes Elton John straight. I’m here to learn how to circumvent my thoughts so I have I dunno… breathing room? —You’re trying to get around them, which automatically labels them as bad, which makes their presence less tolerable. Instead of trying to circumvent them, you need to try to let them pass through like cars on a freeway. >>>>Thank you for your time if you choose to respond. Your blogs are educational and great, and you useful are very kind and helpful. Happy Holidays. —-I recommend you take a look at Jonathan Grayson’s book Freedom from Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, which talks a lot about acceptance of uncertainty with unwanted thoughts. And also The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD should help explain some if these concepts. 🙂 Marisa January 1, 2014 at 4:55 am - Reply Hello, I was feeling better for awhile but the past 2 weeks I’ve been feeling like crap again. The thing is…I’ve never been able to pretend/deny/whatever that I’m gay. I’m trying really hard to accept it and be okay with it because that seems like my only option for peace, but I feel like a different person and I hate it…I don’t like this new me, but I don’t see how any of this can be resolved. I know there’s no way to go back and it seems like the only way I can get any peace is by fully embracing being gay and being okay with it. Honestly, it should be an easy transition for me…I have no previous sexual experience, I’m pretty sure most of my family and friends already think I’m gay (my sister already asked), and I’ve always been too afraid to date guys because of issues with my looks. I think it would be easier for me to just be a happy gay, but like I said..I don’t like who who I am right now. Also, I feel so different from when it first started. At first, I was so fearful of going in that direction even though I knew that’s where I was heading, but, now, I think I can do it. I can physically do it and I’m sure I can like a woman (she’s a person like any other person) and be just fine in a relationship, probably happy. I don’t think it’s disgusting and I’m sure I could do it. The thing is…whenever I see a decent looking woman I just repeat how pretty she is over and over again like a broken record. It annoys me and I never did it in the past, but I didn’t think I was gay in the past either. So, I’m guessing this is just gay behavior and I have to embrace/ accept it…be who I am, but, right now, I hate it. It’s like I have no balance. I’m extreme about women, even with women who previously had no impact on me. I don’t even think I could be comfortable or faithful in a gay relationship because I would just start thinking about the next pretty face, and it’s all about the beauty/ appearance. It’s like there’s no depth, I’m so shallow about it. That’s another thing that I hate, but..you know what…I think I understand why a lot of heterosexual men have types now…there’s a lot pretty ladies and it’s good to narrow the field for your own sake…trust me. But…I don’t think I’ll ever be with a guy now either. It just doesn’t seem possible since i’m going through this. I’m so afraid that I’ll just end up being gay and hurting someone’s feeling so I’m not even willing to go there anymore. Any who, I feel like a total mess and chicken sh*t and I don’t know how anyone can help me. I don’t even think I have OCD so how can I go to an OCD specialist. I mean…I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want live like this. I know that for sure. Happy New Year!!! Marisa January 1, 2014 at 9:02 am - Reply Yeah, my previous post is kind of a mess. I feel so unstable lately. This thing…whatever it is…seems to go in so many erratic directions so quickly that it’s hard to describe exactly how I feel right now. I’m trying to hold on to who I was because I don’t want this to be my new norm, but it seems impossible. How I felt just two weeks ago seems like two decades ago. Who and what I liked at the beginning of the year seems like a distant memory from another life. It’s all kind of strange to me. All I know is that, right now, I’m trying to accept my homosexuality (I never tried to even deny it really), but I still feel like crap and I feel like that ALL day because it’s always on my mind. I know there’s some deep rooted fear I have about being gay because I wouldn’t be going through this if it didn’t exist. It’s just that I have no real romantic prospects at the moment. I’m not crushing on any chicks. I don’t have any active desire to be romantically linked to a woman. I’m not craving any particular gender…I used to fall for a person, which just happened to have been all guys in the past, but I always left myself open to falling for anyone even a woman. So, I was fine not labeling myself since I felt like I could like anyone, but I can’t seem to be relaxed about this any longer. I don’t what I want anymore and I can’t what I recall what I did want, but I think I’m placing myself in the gay box because I’m exhibiting, what I feel to be, grossly gay behavior (being so extreme about how pretty woman are). Also, I think I’m preparing myself for what I will most likely desire in the future, which I’m guessing is some pretty lady since, again, I’m so obsessed with their looks, and guys no longer seem like a possibility because I’m going through this. I simply want internal peace. I want to be okay with who I am now and be upset or happy about where ever I’m going when I get there. I want to stop thinking about it. I’m confident that my desire will lead me to where ever I truly want to go, but I don’t know how to let this go. It’s like I can’t let it go. I will say this, I started feeling better after I watched all of Beyonce’s new videos at one time. She’s a pretty lady with great skin and initially I had a crap load of anxiety watching the videos because they are very sexed up, but I got overloaded with feminine beauty and beautiful skin and…I just got bored with it. It lost its impact. I remember working through some issues with beauty and how I can still do stuff and enjoy my life even though I’m not aesthetically perfect. I just felt better about life. I wasn’t 100% well, but I stopped being so extreme about the way women look. I could watch shows without feeling uncomfortable…it was really nice. It only lasted for like two weeks, though. I suspect a lot of this has to do with the issues I have with how I look. I’m 30 now. I’m tired of caring. I don’t want to care anymore…I’ve wasted too much time caring about stuff that doesn’t matter. My ultimate goal is not to be straight, it’s for internal peace and this has shook me worse than anything else has. Do you think a therapist could help me gain peace? Jonathan Hershfield January 9, 2014 at 5:48 am - Reply I think there is OCD going on here and what you are calling “accepting” is actually more like just telling yourself something you don’t believe in the hopes that it will stop the constant obsessing and doubt. I think a therapist can help. Jonathan Hershfield January 9, 2014 at 5:45 am - Reply >>>>Hello, I was feeling better for awhile but the past 2 weeks I’ve been feeling like crap again. The thing is…I’ve never been able to pretend/deny/whatever that I’m gay. I’m trying really hard to accept it and be okay with it because that seems like my only option for peace, but I feel like a different person and I hate it…I don’t like this new me, but I don’t see how any of this can be resolved. I know there’s no way to go back and it seems like the only way I can get any peace is by fully embracing being gay and being okay with it. Honestly, it should be an easy transition for me…I have no previous sexual experience, I’m pretty sure most of my family and friends already think I’m gay (my sister already asked), and I’ve always been too afraid to date guys because of issues with my looks. I think it would be easier for me to just be a happy gay, but like I said..I don’t like who who I am right now. —If the issue is with your distorted views about your appearance, it doesn’t compute that life as a lesbian would be any easier than life as a heterosexual. Rather than focus on your orientation, I would look into treatment for the image issues. The treatment is actually pretty similar – challenging distorted thinking and exposing to fears on how you’re perceived. >>>>Also, I feel so different from when it first started. At first, I was so fearful of going in that direction even though I knew that’s where I was heading, but, now, I think I can do it. I can physically do it and I’m sure I can like a woman (she’s a person like any other person) and be just fine in a relationship, probably happy. I don’t think it’s disgusting and I’m sure I could do it. —OK. This would be true of anyone. >>>>The thing is…whenever I see a decent looking woman I just repeat how pretty she is over and over again like a broken record. It annoys me and I never did it in the past, but I didn’t think I was gay in the past either. So, I’m guessing this is just gay behavior and I have to embrace/ accept it…be who I am, but, right now, I hate it. It’s like I have no balance. I’m extreme about women, even with women who previously had no impact on me. I don’t even think I could be comfortable or faithful in a gay relationship because I would just start thinking about the next pretty face, and it’s all about the beauty/ appearance. It’s like there’s no depth, I’m so shallow about it. That’s another thing that I hate, but..you know what…I think I understand why a lot of heterosexual men have types now…there’s a lot pretty ladies and it’s good to narrow the field for your own sake…trust me. —This repeating ritual sounds like compulsive flooding to me. It’s still something you’re doing to avoid the discomfort of uncertainty. >>>>But…I don’t think I’ll ever be with a guy now either. It just doesn’t seem possible since i’m going through this. I’m so afraid that I’ll just end up being gay and hurting someone’s feeling so I’m not even willing to go there anymore. —This fear of hurting people by coming out is common in HOCD. Buying into it is a good way to ensure you never get to enjoy anything in life. >>>>Any who, I feel like a total mess and chicken sh*t and I don’t know how anyone can help me. I don’t even think I have OCD so how can I go to an OCD specialist. I mean…I don’t know what to do, but I don’t want live like this. I know that for sure. Happy New Year!!! —Well, happy new year to you too! My vote is to see a therapist and let them decide on a diagnosis. You need a plan and any plan is better than relying on rituals. Marisa January 12, 2014 at 5:18 am - Reply Thanks for the reply! Question: Do you think this may be a phobia that is constantly on our minds because we’re basically afraid of who we might be or who we’re going to be? I feel myself trembling at times because I’m so afraid of where I seem to be going and where I am, but I’m not a classic OCD sufferer. Sure, I have extreme self esteem issues and I can’t let things go but I’ve never counted things or anything. Still, I do think something is wrong. Jonathan Hershfield January 18, 2014 at 7:39 pm - Reply This isa good way to put it. Phobia is probably not the right clinical or technical term, but the fear of simply being something or someone you do not want to be pervades most OCD issues. The thing to remember is that you never were and never will be in control of what you become, only what you choose to do from moment to moment. This is achieved by acceptance of your thoughts and feelings, not by trying to control them. Marisa January 20, 2014 at 6:03 pm Thanks Jonathan. I just woke up so sure I’m gay. Like it was a permanent truth, never to change. Like there was a period at the end of the sentence. Like it’s over. The thing is…I’m so sad and I don’t know how to be anymore. I pretty much spent the entire weekend checking and when I went to sleep I said one thing and as soon as I woke up I thought the exact opposite and it feels like the truth. I wish something felt good about this experience. Oh well…I think this is the end of my story. Now, I just have to deal. Jonathan Hershfield January 21, 2014 at 5:44 am Has it occurred to you that “I pretty much spent the entire weekend checking” followed by a drastic worsening of your obsession might not be a coincidence? Marisa January 22, 2014 at 8:37 pm Well, I check and obsess every weekend, but I suppose I did do something different this weekend. I went to a website and read How Do you Know stories [and more]. I was trying to eliminate the fear. Serious question, how can a therapist help me? What exactly do you focus on when dealing with something like this? Do you help a person become comfortable with the thoughts? I don’t know anything anymore. I just know I’m unhappy and unfamiliar with myself. Jonathan Hershfield January 31, 2014 at 6:16 am >>>>Well, I check and obsess every weekend, but I suppose I did do something different this weekend. I went to a website and read How Do you Know stories [and more]. I was trying to eliminate the fear. —It sounds more like you were doing a compulsion to check and self-reassure. If you want to eliminate fear, you have to confront it without doing compulsions. >>>>Serious question, how can a therapist help me? What exactly do you focus on when dealing with something like this? Do you help a person become comfortable with the thoughts? I don’t know anything anymore. I just know I’m unhappy and unfamiliar with myself. —This question is answered in excruciating detail in all four segments of this blog. John January 3, 2014 at 8:20 pm - Reply Thank you for your response Mr. Hershfield! As I know that coming back to HOCD websites and forums becomes a compulsion for reassurance after awhile I’ll attempt to not return here after this response. But I’d just like to respond to some things. I’m sorry if there was confusion over the “bad habits” bit. What I was trying to convey was not a change in obsessions, but simply how I viewed my HOCD. I misread it as honest to God questioning or just a natural growth process. After about a year, it became clear to me that this couldn’t be the case and investigated. I always was aware of and knew I had OCD, but I was never aware of the wealth of OCDs such as HOCD or Harm OCD that are very rarely if ever talked about publicly. It was enlightening and a great feeling at the time, but of course you would know reassurance doesn’t help at all in the end. Knowing you have a problem and solving it are two different things. I hope this clears up any confusion. Thank you for your response on Mindfulness. You have to understand, when you’re an OCDer, your OCD tends to contort and manipulate things to forcefully get what it wants. I guess mine kept trying to convince me Mindfulness was a form of thinking and questioning the subject of my thoughts and fantasies and so on and so forth. It’s not. Having a little guidance in areas like this is tremendous and I thank you greatly. Finally, to truncate this as best I can, I’ll respond to two subjects quickly and hopefully be done. As far as my compulsions go, yes I do give in to a lot of them. I blame a great deal of it on my lack of knowledge on HOCD early on. I created an infrastructure that I believed aided me but really is holding me down. But I should have known by now to have torn it down but it’s truly harder than it sounds. Every time I get close I get sucked into a new compulsion. Masturbation & Porn reassurance is probably my singular greatest weakness. I can’t tell you the amount of times I’ve masturbated then gone “did I have an image of a man pop in there at some point? What does that mean” or any number of things along that line. It sounds incredulous and silly but it feels real at that moment. Overcoming compulsions to reassure like that, and abstaining from porn in general, is important to me. Finally, I’ll try and look up and read those recommendations you gave me. Anything that can help out on these subjects is something I’m willing to look into. Thank you again, and I hope you had a Happy New Year. 🙂 Jackie January 5, 2014 at 6:57 pm - Reply Hello Mr. Hershfield. I believe that i suffer from HOCD for the past 8 months, I got some meds and it got better, I wasnt that anxious anymore, but I still couldnt get all the gay thoughts out of my head. So it all started 8 months ago. For quite some time I watch lesbian porn but not very often and I just started checking myself if I find girls attractive in real life because once intercourse with my bf wasnt that great. And than the hell began! I couldnt stop checking if I find other girls attractive, I checked several porn sides to prove that Im straight and I went to a lot of sides where people post stories about their coming outs. So the internet became my best friend for some weeks. I googled every possible tag on lesbian/coming out/ denial and it freakéd the hell out of me. I couldnt sleep or do anything else but cry about it. Several times I went through my past to find any prove for me being a lesbian. Every time I saw a girl I checked if I want to kiss her and if her body turns me on. I checked porn and I checked my past. I check everything and worry constantly about my sexual orientation. I asked for reassurance when I talked to my mom and I prayed a lot. I am seeing a therapist right now but Its only talking, I dont know what to do anymore! Today I had so much but inside I know that i love boys and want to marry one some day. I cannot imagine laying in a bed with a girl or spend my future life with one! Please help me! Jonathan Hershfield January 9, 2014 at 6:31 am - Reply Hi Jackie, you describe yourself doing a lot of compulsions that are common in OCD. If your therapist is only doing talk therapy and you want to overcome your obsession, you may need a different therapist. Unless the person you are working with is doing CBT with ERP, it is unlikely you will find success. The concept of “getting thoughts out of your head” is at the root of the problem. Thoughts are to be experienced, not removed. Falcon January 15, 2014 at 5:41 am - Reply When I was younger, around eight or nine, I had two experiences with two females my age. We touched each other’s private parts with each other’s genitals, but we didn’t have any idea what we were doing. I didn’t even understand what the word ‘gay’ meant at that time. We were doing it because we were ‘practising for the real thing’. I don’t remember how long it went on for, and for a long time, I didn’t tell anyone. We ended up moving away from that place after staying there for about a year. One day, I told my mom what happened and she told me that it was okay, but I remember crying. I don’t remember anything else that happened… Anyway, it stopped bothering me for a couple of years, and whenever I thought about it, I’d just push it out of my mind, but I know I never fully got over it. I never had any relationships with males when I was a teenager because I had bad anxiety and grew up to believe that all males were out for one thing, so I was scared. I was really overprotected as a child. I remember having crushes on guys, etc, but nothing really came from any of that. I have always thought that girls were attractive, but have never wanted anything sexual to do with them… I just don’t see myself doing things like that, especially not after the experience I had when I was a child. I didn’t enjoy it. It was just something that happened. I remember being younger and not being able to look at people without thinking, I want to have sex with them. But I was only twelve or thirteen and it happened to be everyone I looked at. I didn’t know what was happening, but I pushed it out of my mind. I started compulsively handwashing and focusing on my blinking… but it just stopped. Until it all came back in 2013. I remember getting high and thinking about this guy I had a crush on and I was like, ‘why doesn’t he like me?’, and then it all came flooding in. Maybe I’m gay, maybe the reason I have never had a relationship is because I am actually a lesbian? Maybe I am in love with my mom? Maybe I have oedipal-complex. And for weeks, I couldn’t even talk to my mom without feeling guilty, and I obsessively thought back to when I was a child, trying to rationalize what had happened. I remember looking at a photo of a girl in a swimsuit when I was younger and thinking she was attractive, so that must mean that I am a lesbian? Looking at websites of girls with big boobs? I was jealous of how big they were. The fact that those things happened when I was younger, that must mean something, right? I tried to justify it to myself… I asked my mom, am I a lesbian? And she told me that if I were, I would have shown signs when I was a kid… so I thought, that experience I had, that must mean something, right? The fact that I never had a relationship or sex with countless males? Hardly ever masturbated, etc? Wasn’t like other girls my age? Had more male friends than females? I tried to think of my childhood and I am pretty sure I made up a few scenarios in my head just to please my OCD. I tried admitting that I was a lesbian or bisexual, but it just never felt right. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was severely depressed. I had to tell my doctor. I broke down, told him everything, and he told me that kids have those types of experiences when they were younger, it doesn’t mean anything. He referred me to a therapist and I was finally diagnosed with OCD in October of 2013. I met my boyfriend in September, and I told him straight off that I am having these types of thoughts and instead of leaving me, he’s supported me. He understands that everyone has these thoughts and just thinking someone is attractive doesn’t automatically mean that you want to have sex with them. However, I sometimes question my attraction to him. I know deep down that I want to be with him as long as I can, but I can’t help these thoughts. I started CBT therapy in November and I have been doing some self reading about mindfulness, and I am happy to say that the thoughts don’t plague me as much as they used too… However, when I talked to my therapist about my issues, she said: “I think that everyone is a bit bisexual.” Which I took to mean: “We can see beauty in just about everyone, how we interpret it and what we do with that, really makes us who we are.” I just wanted your opinon, would the CBT therapy that I am doing along with mindfulness help me with my HOCD and ROCD recovery? I just want to live my life, not plagued by thoughts that I can not control. Thank you for this article, it really helped me. Jonathan Hershfield January 18, 2014 at 8:11 pm - Reply >>>>When I was younger, around eight or nine, I had two experiences with two females my age. We touched each other’s private parts with each other’s genitals, but we didn’t have any idea what we were doing. I didn’t even understand what the word ‘gay’ meant at that time. We were doing it because we were ‘practising for the real thing’. I don’t remember how long it went on for, and for a long time, I didn’t tell anyone. We ended up moving away from that place after staying there for about a year. One day, I told my mom what happened and she told me that it was okay, but I remember crying. I don’t remember anything else that happened… Anyway, it stopped bothering me for a couple of years, and whenever I thought about it, I’d just push it out of my mind, but I know I never fully got over it. —I’m not clear on what there is to “get over.” This sounds like completely normal behavior for 8-9 year olds. >>>>I never had any relationships with males when I was a teenager because I had bad anxiety and grew up to believe that all males were out for one thing, so I was scared. I was really overprotected as a child. I remember having crushes on guys, etc, but nothing really came from any of that. I have always thought that girls were attractive, but have never wanted anything sexual to do with them… I just don’t see myself doing things like that, especially not after the experience I had when I was a child. I didn’t enjoy it. It was just something that happened. —Right, why would you need to “get over” just something that happened? >>>I remember being younger and not being able to look at people without thinking, I want to have sex with them. But I was only twelve or thirteen and it happened to be everyone I looked at. I didn’t know what was happening, but I pushed it out of my mind. I started compulsively handwashing and focusing on my blinking… but it just stopped. Until it all came back in 2013. I remember getting high and thinking about this guy I had a crush on and I was like, ‘why doesn’t he like me?’, and then it all came flooding in. Maybe I’m gay, maybe the reason I have never had a relationship is because I am actually a lesbian? Maybe I am in love with my mom? Maybe I have oedipal-complex. And for weeks, I couldn’t even talk to my mom without feeling guilty, and I obsessively thought back to when I was a child, trying to rationalize what had happened. I remember looking at a photo of a girl in a swimsuit when I was younger and thinking she was attractive, so that must mean that I am a lesbian? Looking at websites of girls with big boobs? I was jealous of how big they were. The fact that those things happened when I was younger, that must mean something, right? —Sounds like the kind of logic OCD uses to trick you into feeding it. >>>>I tried to justify it to myself… I asked my mom, am I a lesbian? And she told me that if I were, I would have shown signs when I was a kid… so I thought, that experience I had, that must mean something, right? The fact that I never had a relationship or sex with countless males? Hardly ever masturbated, etc? Wasn’t like other girls my age? Had more male friends than females? I tried to think of my childhood and I am pretty sure I made up a few scenarios in my head just to please my OCD. I tried admitting that I was a lesbian or bisexual, but it just never felt right. I couldn’t take it anymore, I was severely depressed. I had to tell my doctor. I broke down, told him everything, and he told me that kids have those types of experiences when they were younger, it doesn’t mean anything. He referred me to a therapist and I was finally diagnosed with OCD in October of 2013. —It is unfortunate how it often takes many years for people to finally get diagnosed and get help. >>>>I met my boyfriend in September, and I told him straight off that I am having these types of thoughts and instead of leaving me, he’s supported me. He understands that everyone has these thoughts and just thinking someone is attractive doesn’t automatically mean that you want to have sex with them. However, I sometimes question my attraction to him. I know deep down that I want to be with him as long as I can, but I can’t help these thoughts. —Questioning your attraction or feeling sfor a person in any relationship is normal. That’s how the brain works, by raising questions. But when you add OCD to the mix, the urgency with which your anxiety tells you to try to answer and eliminate those questions ends up creating big unnecessary messes. >>>>I started CBT therapy in November and I have been doing some self reading about mindfulness, and I am happy to say that the thoughts don’t plague me as much as they used too… However, when I talked to my therapist about my issues, she said: “I think that everyone is a bit bisexual.” Which I took to mean: “We can see beauty in just about everyone, how we interpret it and what we do with that, really makes us who we are.” —Many people think everyone is on some kind of scale. This seems to bring comfort to some and freak others out. I like your interpretation of what your therapist said. >>>>I just wanted your opinon, would the CBT therapy that I am doing along with mindfulness help me with my HOCD and ROCD recovery? I just want to live my life, not plagued by thoughts that I can not control. —Yes. Just be sure that your CBT and mindfulness work is also including some significant emphasis on ERP. >>>>Thank you for this article, it really helped me. —- 🙂 Min January 17, 2014 at 3:08 am - Reply Hi. I’m 18 and in first year of university. Last term, I had a few moments where I felt nervous around my best friend, and I had thought that I could possibly be lesbian. I never had sexual thoughts with her or any other girl for that matter, because I really do not know how lesbian sex works, but ever since last term, I had been constantly worried about being lesbian. At first, I felt really scared and anxious. I felt light-headed at some point, and had a random moment where I felt a strong urge to cry. I talked to my mom about it and she told me its what all people my age go through, and she also said that being gay is not a bad thing; she told me that its alright as long as I’m able to love somebody. I felt a little better after that, but still, I wake up in the morning looking forward to sleeping again, because I cannot stop worrying about my sexuality. Now every time I go on internet and there are pictures of girls wearing revealing clothes, I get nervous and scared, so I keep trying to avoid those pictures. And I keep questioning my sexuality because when I see pictures of guys that are half naked with abs and handsome faces, I don’t really feel aroused or anything…and I wonder, “Is there something wrong with me?” However, when I am in public, I feel my body reacting normally to men. For example, when I get into an elevator and there are good looking guys my age standing there, I feel my hands getting sweaty and nervous; I feel the need to look good and feminine in front of them. When I am with girls my age though, I feel nothing. Most of the times, I look at her face or her body and feel jealous because I want those features. I’m really tired of being worried. I can’t enjoy my daily life because of all these thoughts, and this constant worry is disturbing my studies as well. Can I have your opinions and what I should do to stop worrying, please? Jonathan Hershfield January 18, 2014 at 8:41 pm - Reply >>>>Hi. I’m 18 and in first year of university. Last term, I had a few moments where I felt nervous around my best friend, and I had thought that I could possibly be lesbian. I never had sexual thoughts with her or any other girl for that matter, because I really do not know how lesbian sex works —Yeah, me neither… >>>>but ever since last term, I had been constantly worried about being lesbian. At first, I felt really scared and anxious. I felt light-headed at some point, and had a random moment where I felt a strong urge to cry. I talked to my mom about it and she told me its what all people my age go through, and she also said that being gay is not a bad thing; she told me that its alright as long as I’m able to love somebody. I felt a little better after that, but still, I wake up in the morning looking forward to sleeping again, because I cannot stop worrying about my sexuality. Now every time I go on internet and there are pictures of girls wearing revealing clothes, I get nervous and scared, so I keep trying to avoid those pictures. And I keep questioning my sexuality because when I see pictures of guys that are half naked with abs and handsome faces, I don’t really feel aroused or anything…and I wonder, “Is there something wrong with me?” —The problem with avoidance is that it sends the message to your brain that the thing you are avoiding is dangerous. Pictures of people can’t be dangerous unless you treat them that way. Same goes for thoughts. >>>>However, when I am in public, I feel my body reacting normally to men. For example, when I get into an elevator and there are good looking guys my age standing there, I feel my hands getting sweaty and nervous; I feel the need to look good and feminine in front of them. When I am with girls my age though, I feel nothing. Most of the times, I look at her face or her body and feel jealous because I want those features. I’m really tired of being worried. I can’t enjoy my daily life because of all these thoughts, and this constant worry is disturbing my studies as well. Can I have your opinions and what I should do to stop worrying, please? —“Worrying” is a behavior you are engaging in in an attempt to get certainty that thoughts of being lesbian don’t mean you are a lesbian. If you want to stop worrying, you need to make a conscious decision to stop trying to prove things and instead accept uncertainty about thoughts and feelings as they come and go. If you want to develop skills for overcoming an obsession, then the answer is cognitive behavioral therapy with exposure-response-prevention. K January 20, 2014 at 11:48 am - Reply Hi Hershfield. It’s been a while since i came to your site and i would like to say that i have improved from how i used to be. I never went to a therapist, but decided bravely to treat myself with exposure. I will tell you what i did and follow it with a few questions if you don’t mind. I want more knowledge on the few things i don’t know and hope your feedback. I am a male by the way. thanks. This was bothering me for a while even though the intensity has gone down. A lot of the thoughts that once used to worry me don’t any more. One of the reasons being my “whatever” attitude towards it. I have learned to accept most of my thoughts and that has helped a lot. Before and during the time this was bothering me, I was a kind of person who watched straight porn. I had never watched gay porn in my life but had saw a lot of posts and comments about exposure to gay porn with response prevention. So i decided to gather courage to see a few gay imagery. I felt guilt/bad after and told you about it and even decided to tell my pastor, but did not after i learnt that, that is “confession compulsion”. After explaining to you what i did, one of your responses was to expose myself to more gay imagery and resist/prevent response because i was trying to get certainty that it was ok to do so. I initially decided not to and felt somewhat okay about it for some time until i read an article on yourbrainonporn.com by Dr. Penzel about how exposure and response prevention backfires when porn addiction is present. I don’t consider myself addicted to pornography. Yes i am naturally attracted to anything female sexually including straight porn, but have never to males. In my entire life before this hocd started, i have come across gay things or imagery unconsciously and have never been attracted/aroused in any way. I never even spiked until hocd. I want you to know that i wasn’t reading the article out of reassurance as i know it is only helpful short term, but rather after i had done exposure to gay imagery just to know more about it. When i read the article,what i knew they meant by “exposure to gay imagery backfiring” was that some people, before hocd, watch porn and escalate to gay porn or other fetishes and get addicted and worry about their escalation to gay porn. They enjoyed gay imagery. And for people like that, exposure to gay imagery backfires because what they’re exposing themselves to is what they were aroused to so therefore they might get aroused and think that they are truly gay because of that. They recommended staying away from porn after a while before exposure and I perfectly understand that. What I couldn’t get my head around was whether it truly was what they meant by “exposure may backfire” or it also applied to someone like me who watched straight porn for a while and was aroused to it. Because of this, I decided to do exposure one more time, even though it wasn’t necessary, but this time the recommended way. Doing as little to check or resist my response. I also considered your response to my initial post about watching more of it and the fact that i only used pictures the first time.The only thing i was watching before hocd was straight porn. When i did exposure to gay imagery(Just preview shots as i didn’t want to watch the entire video) the first time, i never got aroused, lost my erection and felt anxious and some repulsive spikes, but nothing arousing and exciting like how i respond to straight porn. But even though i wasn’t supposed to check my response. I knew it was how i responded to it. I was satisfied by it. I thought i had failed in resisting checking. It was a response i just knew. Nonetheless, i did the exposure again this time deciding that i would watch the videos with sound and everything associated with it as i was worried. So this time i had one of the most courageous moments in my life, told myself that i wouldn’t resist anything that happens regardless. Just observe, accept, and experience whatever it is. I watched a lot of gay porn videos something i had never done. I relaxed and accepted whatever was to come of it. I wasn’t aroused, the least, no erection, lost all of it. but was anxious, didn’t do anything about it. I watched and kept watching regardless. It even got to a point i mistakenly checked my privates, not to really check, i really tried not to check, but i reminded myself that i am doing this not to check but to expose myself without knowing what comes out of it. So i kept on watching for a while without judging anything and with the intention of just watching until i ended it after a while without even looking at my privates. I wasn’t aroused the least. I am at a point where I’m not worried or scared of watching gay porn for exposure or the thought of it. I was anxious and the anxiety makes you think it’s a sensation down there because of the porn but it wasn’t arousal or erection. I haven’t done anything about that as at now. I just couldn’t get my head around it. I think all in all i have done a good job with exposure to gay porn and now when i feel the need to feel bad about watching it, i brush it off and don’t feel like confessing to anyone about what i did as i made a conscious decision to help myself with exposure. Is it normal to experience some sort of anxiety that feels like a sensation down there even though you are not erect/aroused/excited? and if so, is it normal for your hocd to make you believe it’s arousal? How do i go about that with exposure/mindfullnes/cbt? do i just brush it off, telling myself that whatever that sensation was is none of my business or what? Please tell me what attitude i should have towards this. It’s a bit hard for me to get my head around. This morning i was feeling normal with some guilty thoughts and some of the gay thoughts but i keep on allowing them. At first i was worried about the sexual thoughts but then i allowed them after i realized that, even the gay porn did nothing to me apart from a tiny bit of anxiety which felt like sensation down there. This was my general observation. The only thing i’m having difficulty getting my head around is this, this morning i was lying on the bed position in a way where privates were very tight and sensitive (to be more specific, I had my thighs closed tightly around my testes unconsciously so my private part was tight and sensitive ). This wasn’t my conscious decision to be lying there like that, it just happened to be the state i was in. So i was thinking about a friend of mine, a girl and couldn’t help but think of some of the sexual thoughts and conversations we’ve had. I slowly started to get aroused. it was very slow/careful because i think with all this thinking and worrying, somehow me/my brain has grown very careful and cautious of what i think about and what arouses me. So i slowly started getting aroused with the thoughts of the girl and all of a sudden one of the thoughts from the gay porn popped up also. I knew there was no reason to worry, but due to how my privates were sensitive and due to the sexual nature of the girl’s thoughts, it caused anxiety and it felt like a spike/sensation down there. It wasn’t an erection or arousal. It freaked me out and i lost all initial arousal for the girl as i stopped thinking about it altogether. I knew it was anxiety because initially the thoughts of the girl started to arouse me, i felt ok and all of a sudden, the gay thoughts and and then that really slight “spike/sensation/anxiety” down there came after. It wasn’t an erection, nothing pleasurable or arousing, i wasn’t erect from it, but the hocd tricks you and makes you worry and confused about what it was and because of that, it makes me worry. I wanted to expose myself to it as it triggered me even though it wasn’t supposed to. Also i didn’t know how to go about it. So in an attempt to expose myself to that, i lied in the exact same position, thought about the girl and started getting aroused slowly, and intentionally thought about the gay thoughts, but this time, i only lost my erection and any initial arousal i had for the girl. I did it a couple more times but couldn’t recreate Basically, i couldn’t recreate the same experience and because of that, i started freaking out as i think my hocd latched onto it and made me feel like because i had some slight sensation/spike/anxiety, something which i don’t know what i meant and couldn’t recreate to know what it is, then it means something. Based on this, does this mean anything? it was like a spike/anxiety feeling when you get down there when you’re anxious, it bothered me because i was thinking about the girl and had that sensation when the gay thought popped up in the midst of initial girls thought which naturally started to make me aroused until the gay thought popped up, Is it a cause for worry, Is it normal and if so, is it normal for me/hocd to think this way, How should i treat this particular experience, what i experiece was a really slight tiny anxiety i can’t even remember, and because of that i feel worried that i felt something that i can’t even remember it. And due to the fact that i can’t remember it. Is it a cause for worry. When a gay thought pops in my head this time, it doesn’t even do anything anymore. No anxiety, just lose my erection and no arousal altogether. I wan’t to deal with this and treat it with exposure/mindfullness/cbt and how should i see this? Is it normal for you to think this way when something tiny and negligible like that happens (which you know is not arousal, but your brain makes you think that way) and you want to know what it is, but in an attempt to know what it is, you can’t even recreate the same experience to know what it is. Please tell me what i did wrong and what i did right, and what i’m doing right. If i have done mistakes, i will take blame for it and will accept them. But what is most important to me is how i deal with the mistakes i have done if any, and how i should deal with it including the mistakes. Apart from this nothing really bothers me. I have tried my best to stop reassurance almost completely, i have stopped reading numerous sites, telling people about what i do/done, confessing and worrying too much. This is the only thing i am a little concerned about and i want your help on how i should deal with it. If it means do nothing about it, i will. Thank you so much for all your help and sorry about this long post. Jonathan Hershfield January 21, 2014 at 5:29 am - Reply >>>>Hi Hershfield. It’s been a while since i came to your site and i would like to say that i have improved from how i used to be. I never went to a therapist, but decided bravely to treat myself with exposure. I will tell you what i did and follow it with a few questions if you don’t mind. I want more knowledge on the few things i don’t know and hope your feedback. I am a male by the way. thanks. —-You’re welcome, but someone else is probably responsible for you being male. >>>>This was bothering me for a while even though the intensity has gone down. A lot of the thoughts that once used to worry me don’t any more. One of the reasons being my “whatever” attitude towards it. I have learned to accept most of my thoughts and that has helped a lot. Before and during the time this was bothering me, I was a kind of person who watched straight porn. I had never watched gay porn in my life but had saw a lot of posts and comments about exposure to gay porn with response prevention. So i decided to gather courage to see a few gay imagery. I felt guilt/bad after and told you about it and even decided to tell my pastor, but did not after i learnt that, that is “confession compulsion”. After explaining to you what i did, one of your responses was to expose myself to more gay imagery and resist/prevent response because i was trying to get certainty that it was ok to do so. I initially decided not to and felt somewhat okay about it for some time until i read an article on yourbrainonporn.com by Dr. Penzel about how exposure and response prevention backfires when porn addiction is present. I don’t consider myself addicted to pornography. Yes i am naturally attracted to anything female sexually including straight porn, but have never to males. In my entire life before this hocd started, i have come across gay things or imagery unconsciously and have never been attracted/aroused in any way. I never even spiked until hocd. I want you to know that i wasn’t reading the article out of reassurance as i know it is only helpful short term, but rather after i had done exposure to gay imagery just to know more about it. When i read the article,what i knew they meant by “exposure to gay imagery backfiring” was that some people, before hocd, watch porn and escalate to gay porn or other fetishes and get addicted and worry about their escalation to gay porn. They enjoyed gay imagery. And for people like that, exposure to gay imagery backfires because what they’re exposing themselves to is what they were aroused to so therefore they might get aroused and think that they are truly gay because of that. They recommended staying away from porn after a while before exposure and I perfectly understand that. —The issue as I understand it really has to do with the addict seeking out stimulation. So for a porn addict who may have obsessions about sexual orientation, their ability to effectively do ERP with pornographic imagery is impaired because the stimulation triggers the addiction. It’s sort of like if you had a recovering alcoholic who had an obsessive fear of being dizzy. You probably would not find ERP to drinking to be effective even though it would technically expose them to the fear of dizziness. So when they say the exposure will backfire, what they mean is the experience will be sensitizing (make them even more sensitive to the obsession) instead of the opposite. An HOCD sufferer is likely to misinterpret this as meaning that the porn will make them gay somehow, but this is inaccurate. >>>>What I couldn’t get my head around was whether it truly was what they meant by “exposure may backfire” or it also applied to someone like me who watched straight porn for a while and was aroused to it. Because of this, I decided to do exposure one more time, even though it wasn’t necessary, but this time the recommended way. Doing as little to check or resist my response. I also considered your response to my initial post about watching more of it and the fact that i only used pictures the first time.The only thing i was watching before hocd was straight porn. When i did exposure to gay imagery(Just preview shots as i didn’t want to watch the entire video) the first time, i never got aroused, lost my erection and felt anxious and some repulsive spikes, but nothing arousing and exciting like how i respond to straight porn. But even though i wasn’t supposed to check my response. I knew it was how i responded to it. I was satisfied by it. I thought i had failed in resisting checking. It was a response i just knew. Nonetheless, i did the exposure again this time deciding that i would watch the videos with sound and everything associated with it as i was worried. So this time i had one of the most courageous moments in my life, told myself that i wouldn’t resist anything that happens regardless. Just observe, accept, and experience whatever it is. I watched a lot of gay porn videos something i had never done. I relaxed and accepted whatever was to come of it. I wasn’t aroused, the least, no erection, lost all of it. but was anxious, didn’t do anything about it. I watched and kept watching regardless. It even got to a point i mistakenly checked my privates, not to really check, i really tried not to check, but i reminded myself that i am doing this not to check but to expose myself without knowing what comes out of it. So i kept on watching for a while without judging anything and with the intention of just watching until i ended it after a while without even looking at my privates. I wasn’t aroused the least. I am at a point where I’m not worried or scared of watching gay porn for exposure or the thought of it. I was anxious and the anxiety makes you think it’s a sensation down there because of the porn but it wasn’t arousal or erection. —Your assessment of your groinal responses is probably true, but you are missing the larger point, which is that it is irrelevant whether or not you got aroused. Getting aroused to images of people having sex, whether it’s straight, gay, or midget clowns is not a way of assessing certainty about one’s sexual orientation. The point is to accept whatever your mind and body happens to be doing in the given moment and stop trying to control it. The attempts to control these things are what fuels fear and doubt. >>>I haven’t done anything about that as at now. I just couldn’t get my head around it. I think all in all i have done a good job with exposure to gay porn and now when i feel the need to feel bad about watching it, i brush it off and don’t feel like confessing to anyone about what i did as i made a conscious decision to help myself with exposure. Is it normal to experience some sort of anxiety that feels like a sensation down there even though you are not erect/aroused/excited? and if so, is it normal for your hocd to make you believe it’s arousal? How do i go about that with exposure/mindfullnes/cbt? do i just brush it off, telling myself that whatever that sensation was is none of my business or what? Please tell me what attitude i should have towards this. It’s a bit hard for me to get my head around. —I like the statement that it’s none of your business. I would go with that. >>>>This morning i was feeling normal with some guilty thoughts and some of the gay thoughts but i keep on allowing them. —I would recommend you stop labeling as “guilt” and give it some other name like “that feeling I get.” Calling it guilt suggests you know what it is, but that’s not really true. It’s just a feeling. >>>>At first i was worried about the sexual thoughts but then i allowed them after i realized that, even the gay porn did nothing to me apart from a tiny bit of anxiety which felt like sensation down there. This was my general observation. The only thing i’m having difficulty getting my head around is this, this morning i was lying on the bed position in a way where privates were very tight and sensitive (to be more specific, I had my thighs closed tightly around my testes unconsciously so my private part was tight and sensitive ). This wasn’t my conscious decision to be lying there like that —It’s not possible to know what your conscious decisions “were” – that’s not a possible thing to know for certain. >>>>, it just happened to be the state i was in. So i was thinking about a friend of mine, a girl and couldn’t help but think of some of the sexual thoughts and conversations we’ve had. I slowly started to get aroused. it was very slow/careful because i think with all this thinking and worrying, somehow me/my brain has grown very careful and cautious of what i think about and what arouses me. So i slowly started getting aroused with the thoughts of the girl and all of a sudden one of the thoughts from the gay porn popped up also. I knew there was no reason to worry, but due to how my privates were sensitive and due to the sexual nature of the girl’s thoughts, it caused anxiety and it felt like a spike/sensation down there. It wasn’t an erection or arousal. It freaked me out and i lost all initial arousal for the girl as i stopped thinking about it altogether. I knew it was anxiety because initially the thoughts of the girl started to arouse me, i felt ok and all of a sudden, the gay thoughts and and then that really slight “spike/sensation/anxiety” down there came after. It wasn’t an erection, nothing pleasurable or arousing, i wasn’t erect from it, but the hocd tricks you and makes you worry and confused about what it was and because of that, it makes me worry. —You should label the entire content and process behind your review of the paragraph above as a compulsion. >>>>I wanted to expose myself to it as it triggered me even though it wasn’t supposed to. Also i didn’t know how to go about it. So in an attempt to expose myself to that, i lied in the exact same position, thought about the girl and started getting aroused slowly, and intentionally thought about the gay thoughts, but this time, i only lost my erection and any initial arousal i had for the girl. I did it a couple more times but couldn’t recreate Basically, i couldn’t recreate the same experience and because of that, i started freaking out as i think my hocd latched onto it and made me feel like because i had some slight sensation/spike/anxiety, something which i don’t know what i meant and couldn’t recreate to know what it is, then it means something. Based on this, does this mean anything? —You asking this means you are still not taking the fact that you have OCD seriously. The question is the problem, not the answer to it. >>>>it was like a spike/anxiety feeling when you get down there when you’re anxious, it bothered me because i was thinking about the girl and had that sensation when the gay thought popped up in the midst of initial girls thought which naturally started to make me aroused until the gay thought popped up, Is it a cause for worry, Is it normal and if so, is it normal for me/hocd to think this way, How should i treat this particular experience, what i experiece was a really slight tiny anxiety i can’t even remember, and because of that i feel worried that i felt something that i can’t even remember it. And due to the fact that i can’t remember it. Is it a cause for worry. When a gay thought pops in my head this time, it doesn’t even do anything anymore. No anxiety, just lose my erection and no arousal altogether. I wan’t to deal with this and treat it with exposure/mindfullness/cbt and how should i see this? Is it normal for you to think this way when something tiny and negligible like that happens (which you know is not arousal, but your brain makes you think that way) and you want to know what it is, but in an attempt to know what it is, you can’t even recreate the same experience to know what it is. —This is part of your compulsion to get certainty about your orientation by analyzing the minutia if what happens between your legs. >>>>Please tell me what i did wrong and what i did right, and what i’m doing right. If i have done mistakes, i will take blame for it and will accept them. But what is most important to me is how i deal with the mistakes i have done if any, and how i should deal with it including the mistakes. Apart from this nothing really bothers me. I have tried my best to stop reassurance almost completely, i have stopped reading numerous sites, telling people about what i do/done, confessing and worrying too much. This is the only thing i am a little concerned about and i want your help on how i should deal with it. If it means do nothing about it, i will. —I think overall you’ve done a great job and you should give yourself a pat on the back for standing up to your fears. My recommendation is to do more exposure and work even harder on not checking or analyzing what the results are. The point is not to prove to yourself that you’re straight because gay images aren’t getting a big reaction. It’s to prove to your brain that you can accept what the mind is offered without judgment and analysis. Insist on not figuring it out. >>>>Thank you so much for all your help and sorry about this long post. —Yeah, I watched an entire episode of Sons of Anarchy while writing this. K January 21, 2014 at 9:40 am - Reply Thank you so much Hershfield. These are really insightful and has given me even more knowledge and a broader prospective of this. I think the harder you try to get the discomfort away, the harder it is on you. So it is best not to try to get the discomfort away and not worry about it. Your last answer was really helpful — “Insist on not figuring it out.” Thanks. I used to see girls/women and think they’re beautiful, thereby sometimes thinking sexually about them consciously and unconsciously. But due to all of this, when i do tend to think that way, the images and thoughts in my head get mixed up with other uncomfortable images and thoughts which makes it uncomfortable to even see girls sexually. This also makes me think how i should handle this should in case i happen to have sex with a girl and those uncomfortable thoughts and images pop up, eg. the gay imagery and other distorted thoughts. A not so important reason i am mentioning this is because, you mentioned, labeling the paragraph about where i thought about one of my girlfriends and the sexual thoughts about her as a compulsion. I used to reminisce about sexual things with girls sometimes. Is/was this a bad habit and is/was this seen as a way of forcing thoughts in my head thereby triggering other unwanted thoughts? or should i just let the sexual thoughts about girls flow when i consciously decide to think them, even though it gets mixed up by other unwanted thoughts and images(eg. the gay porn i watched) thereby making it uncomfortable. Nonetheless, I think i understood what you meant over there and know what compulsions i was doing over there. Thanks. What I’m asking is, how do you deal with seeing a beautiful girl, and consciously/unconsciously having sexual thoughts about her, and all of a sudden having other uncomfortable thoughts/images mixed up. And also how i should deal with it when i happens when I’m about to have sex with a girl. Do i continue having whatever thoughts i was having whilst admiring or looking at the girl or whatever experience i am having(sex with the girl) when those uncomfortable images and thoughts pop up. I think trying to get rid of them causes more problem, At the same time keeping them there whilst looking at a girl in a sexual way, consciously/unconsciously makes it very uncomfortable. What do you recommend/think? I also want to know how to deal with it when i plan to engage in any sexual activities with a girl and that happens. What do you think about this and how should my attitude be towards this. Thank you so much Hershfield and sorry for taking so much of your time. Have a good day. Jonathan Hershfield January 30, 2014 at 6:39 am - Reply >>>>I used to see girls/women and think they’re beautiful, thereby sometimes thinking sexually about them consciously and unconsciously. But due to all of this, when i do tend to think that way, the images and thoughts in my head get mixed up with other uncomfortable images and thoughts which makes it uncomfortable to even see girls sexually. This also makes me think how i should handle this should in case i happen to have sex with a girl and those uncomfortable thoughts and images pop up, eg. the gay imagery and other distorted thoughts. —The way you should handle it is to notice that those are thoughts that happen to be going through your head and you have a choice to spend energy attending to them or attending to the naked girl in your bed. In general, whatever goes on in my mind is less interesting than whatever is going on in my bed. >>>>A not so important reason i am mentioning this is because, you mentioned, labeling the paragraph about where i thought about one of my girlfriends and the sexual thoughts about her as a compulsion. I used to reminisce about sexual things with girls sometimes. Is/was this a bad habit and is/was this seen as a way of forcing thoughts in my head thereby triggering other unwanted thoughts? or should i just let the sexual thoughts about girls flow when i consciously decide to think them, even though it gets mixed up by other unwanted thoughts and images(eg. the gay porn i watched) thereby making it uncomfortable. Nonetheless, I think i understood what you meant over there and know what compulsions i was doing over there. Thanks. —-Let them flow and don’t try to figure them out. >>>>What I’m asking is, how do you deal with seeing a beautiful girl, and consciously/unconsciously having sexual thoughts about her, and all of a sudden having other uncomfortable thoughts/images mixed up. —Notice and accept that this is what your mind does sometimes. >>>And also how i should deal with it when i happens when I’m about to have sex with a girl. Do i continue having whatever thoughts i was having whilst admiring or looking at the girl or whatever experience i am having(sex with the girl) when those uncomfortable images and thoughts pop up. —Since they will happen, continuing to have them or not is not a voluntary action. Only attending and responding are voluntary actions. >>>I think trying to get rid of them causes more problem, At the same time keeping them there whilst looking at a girl in a sexual way, consciously/unconsciously makes it very uncomfortable. What do you recommend/think? —Accept that you get discomforted sometimes. >>>>I also want to know how to deal with it when i plan to engage in any sexual activities with a girl and that happens. What do you think about this and how should my attitude be towards this. Thank you so much Hershfield and sorry for taking so much of your time. Have a good day. —Stop planning so much. Marisa January 30, 2014 at 7:38 pm - Reply Hello, I recently watched Revolutionary Road and there’s a scene where a guy rips the hard cold truth into the couple played by Leo and Kate. During this scene, I thought what would this guy say to me. He would probably yell that I’m gay and I know it and I should just admit it and stop being afraid. So, I said okay, I’m gay. I’m really and truly gay, and I actually felt better and calmer. I felt a little better for about a day, but then I thought…maybe the reason I haven’t dated in the past is because I didn’t know I was gay but now that I do I’m really going to date and really and truly be gay and come out and everything…then, I got sad. So, I’m basically back to feeling crappy again. I just don’t know how this story can end any other way. I read some of my previous blog posts and it seems like I’m a different person. At this point, I don’t know anything anymore. I used to have an idea about homosexuality (being born gay and all that jazz) but now, I don’t really know if that’s true all the time. I don’t even know if it matters. Is it normal to go through these phases where in the beginning it’s, “I don’t want to be,” but a few months later it’s, “I must be” and then a few months later it’s, “I really am.” I don’t know, how can I possibly go back to not being? Maybe that’s not the question I should be asking, but that’s where I’m stuck at. Have you ever known anyone who went through this and felt attraction for the opposite sex again, felt inner peace again? I’ve contacted a local therapist. I figure I don’t have anything to lose at this point. If I can be helped, I really hope I get the help. Actually, I hope that for anyone who’s going through this or something similar. It’s so weird how nothing has been able to ease this inner turmoil. Usually I can put things into perspective, but that’s not working now, which is strange for me. I guess that’s the whole problem, huh? Jonathan Hershfield January 31, 2014 at 10:41 pm - Reply >>>>I recently watched Revolutionary Road and there’s a scene where a guy rips the hard cold truth into the couple played by Leo and Kate. During this scene, I thought what would this guy say to me. He would probably yell that I’m gay and I know it and I should just admit it and stop being afraid. So, I said okay, I’m gay. I’m really and truly gay, and I actually felt better and calmer. I felt a little better for about a day, but then I thought…maybe the reason I haven’t dated in the past is because I didn’t know I was gay but now that I do I’m really going to date and really and truly be gay and come out and everything…then, I got sad. So, I’m basically back to feeling crappy again. —I don;t understand what part of this is saddening. I don’t know why you haven’t dated much in the past, but gay denial is just a theory (frankly, a peculiar one I think, but who knows…). I think when people start doing these imaginary exposures, telling themselves they’re really truly gay and then they feel better, it’s because they are escaping the discomfort of uncertainty. Freedom from not knowing. It’s an illusion, just another compulsion. Otherwise the idea of now getting to date members of the same sex would be a great source of relief as well. >>>>I just don’t know how this story can end any other way. I read some of my previous blog posts and it seems like I’m a different person. At this point, I don’t know anything anymore. I used to have an idea about homosexuality (being born gay and all that jazz) but now, I don’t really know if that’s true all the time. I don’t even know if it matters. —Me neither. I’m just an ocd therapist. >>>>Is it normal to go through these phases where in the beginning it’s, “I don’t want to be,” but a few months later it’s, “I must be” and then a few months later it’s, “I really am.” I don’t know, how can I possibly go back to not being? Maybe that’s not the question I should be asking, but that’s where I’m stuck at. —-The question is whether or not people have kept doing compulsions and found that their obsessions kept getting worse. Yes. When you talk about being or not being, it’s unclear what you mean. Saying you’re gay, even believing you’re gay hasn’t changed much of anything. It’s not like you’re in the middle of a meaningful gay relationship and wondering if you’ll ever go back to dating members of the opposite sex. Right now it’s still just a lot of mindgames. >>>>Have you ever known anyone who went through this and felt attraction for the opposite sex again, felt inner peace again? —-Yes. >>>I’ve contacted a local therapist. I figure I don’t have anything to lose at this point. If I can be helped, I really hope I get the help. Actually, I hope that for anyone who’s going through this or something similar. It’s so weird how nothing has been able to ease this inner turmoil. Usually I can put things into perspective, but that’s not working now, which is strange for me. I guess that’s the whole problem, huh? —Yeah, I think you’re on to something. Hopefully your therapist specializes in ERP for OCD, that would be the best thing for you right now. Emilio Graz February 3, 2014 at 9:33 pm - Reply Please help! This is causing my depression, anxiety, loose of identity and I do not know who I am anymore. This is hurting my performance in my job, gym, food disorder, and hurting my daily life brutally. Three weeks ago I had a bad sexual experience with a girl. I tried to have sex three times but I was so anxious and nervous that I could not satisfied her. This was a one night stand girl and the girl did not make me feel bad after it, mentioning that this is normal. However, after this, I began to feel devastated and doubting about my sexual identity. Just to mention I do not know if I am a normal guy that have had sex 2 times in 25yrs of life. One with a prostitute when I was 19 years old and now when I am 25 with this girl. I feel that my friends have had 20-30-40 sexual encounters with a girl at my age. This makes me feel anxious and weird. I’ve slept with girls, kiss girls, and felt aroused when I was with a girl having no doubt about my identity. I’ve been hanging out with several girls before without an actual “real relationship”. I was sexually and emotionally attracted for a girl 2 weeks before this mind blowing instability start happening to me. I did not end up with her not because I did not like her, but because we live in two different cities it was not convenient and there were family issues involved as well that ended our informal relationship. When I was young, I felt aroused watching good looking girls, heterosexual pornography and regular stuff of teenagers. However, when I was 18 I started watching gay porn several times a week. I knew this was bad at the beginning but started looking at it regularly feeling guilty at the moment.This did not affected me since I knew I was straight and interested in girls. Most of the time after I watched gay porn, I told myself STOP! STOP! STOP! this is gay stuff!! but next day the same thing happened. I started looking at boys masturbating on the web but never had the initiative to be in a real life activity with a boy. Now I stopped watching this for 10 days but cannot stop thinking about my background and this anxiety is killing me. I do not want to be gay, I want to have a family and be a normal happy person again. Anyways, after this sexual encounter with this girl, I started feeling weird and doubt about myself. Why did I did not have a full erection? was this normal? I am gay? ….I started looking at blogs, articles, and I found about all this HCOD. I can not stop thinking about this, and I feel anxious that this HOCD “activate” on me, I feel that I am actually gay and I feel extremely bad at it. Now I am looking the way I see myself on pictures, the way I act, the way I dress, the way I walk, the way I speak, and a bunch of activities that make me feel weird. I feel I lost my identity as a person and I am not being the same person as before. Please, I would like to know according to your experience if this is normal??? What can I do to prevent these 24/7 horrible thoughts??? I cant sleep, I cant eat, I am just trying to look answers at internet, I can’t feel comfortable with myself… I am another person and not feeling well about it. I feel I have a huge rock on my head the whole day thinking about this. Now I feel people think I am gay because I never had a stable relationship. People in my city judge severely according to this. Sometimes I just try to accept it but is extremely difficult to accept something that I am not. I had my first session with a therapist phsycologist. I am not sure if every psychologist can help about this. She said she was an OCD specialist as well. Please give me an advise. I cannot handle anymore this and sometimes I feel preoccupied about my situation to the point of having suicidal thoughts. Help..Thank you Jonathan Hershfield February 7, 2014 at 4:51 am - Reply >>>>Please help! This is causing my depression, anxiety, loose of identity and I do not know who I am anymore. This is hurting my performance in my job, gym, food disorder, and hurting my daily life brutally. —Sorry to hear your OCD is impairing so many areas of your life. >>>>Three weeks ago I had a bad sexual experience with a girl. I tried to have sex three times but I was so anxious and nervous that I could not satisfied her. This was a one night stand girl and the girl did not make me feel bad after it, mentioning that this is normal. However, after this, I began to feel devastated and doubting about my sexual identity. —This is not an unusual trigger for someone with OCD. If it hadn’t been this experience, it would have been some other experience that you latched on to. The thing is, the girl was right (it’s normal) and you are wrong (you respond irrationally to uncertainty and imperfection). But it’s hard to remember that when you’re so anxious. >>>>Just to mention I do not know if I am a normal guy that have had sex 2 times in 25yrs of life. One with a prostitute when I was 19 years old and now when I am 25 with this girl. I feel that my friends have had 20-30-40 sexual encounters with a girl at my age. —Your friends sound kind of slutty. >>>>This makes me feel anxious and weird. I’ve slept with girls, kiss girls, and felt aroused when I was with a girl having no doubt about my identity. I’ve been hanging out with several girls before without an actual “real relationship”. I was sexually and emotionally attracted for a girl 2 weeks before this mind blowing instability start happening to me. I did not end up with her not because I did not like her, but because we live in two different cities it was not convenient and there were family issues involved as well that ended our informal relationship. —It seems you are doing a lot of rationalizing and over-explaining, as if I need to be convinced of something. I don’t. This over-clarifying and review of your history is a compulsion that actually makes you more obsessive. >>>>When I was young, I felt aroused watching good looking girls, heterosexual pornography and regular stuff of teenagers. However, when I was 18 I started watching gay porn several times a week. I knew this was bad at the beginning but started looking at it regularly feeling guilty at the moment.This did not affected me since I knew I was straight and interested in girls. Most of the time after I watched gay porn, I told myself STOP! STOP! STOP! this is gay stuff!! but next day the same thing happened. I started looking at boys masturbating on the web but never had the initiative to be in a real life activity with a boy. Now I stopped watching this for 10 days but cannot stop thinking about my background and this anxiety is killing me. I do not want to be gay, I want to have a family and be a normal happy person again. —This sounds more like a problem with porn addiction than an issue of identity. On one hand, you will have to accept that you are capable of being aroused by and enjoy fantasizing about gay sex. On the other hand, you are afraid this means you have to label yourself something (gay) and not allow yourself to pursue relationships that interest you (which sound heterosexual). That’s illogical – the two issues are not related. If you try to convince yourself that no part of you is gay, you end up sabotaging the whole process. It’s unknowable if you were drawn to gay porn because you are bisexual or you’re drawn to it because your addiction kept asking for more and more and the taboo nature of it got you off and rewarded the viewing. In the end, it doesn’t matter because you are entitled to pursue whatever you want. You can’t have an identity against your will. >>>>Anyways, after this sexual encounter with this girl, I started feeling weird and doubt about myself. Why did I did not have a full erection? was this normal? I am gay? ….I started looking at blogs, articles, and I found about all this HCOD. I can not stop thinking about this, and I feel anxious that this HOCD “activate” on me, I feel that I am actually gay and I feel extremely bad at it. Now I am looking the way I see myself on pictures, the way I act, the way I dress, the way I walk, the way I speak, and a bunch of activities that make me feel weird. I feel I lost my identity as a person and I am not being the same person as before. —This paragraph above is just a list of compulsive behaviors that serve no other function but to perpetuate your obsession with sexuality. >>>>Please, I would like to know according to your experience if this is normal??? What can I do to prevent these 24/7 horrible thoughts??? I cant sleep, I cant eat, I am just trying to look answers at internet, I can’t feel comfortable with myself… I am another person and not feeling well about it. I feel I have a huge rock on my head the whole day thinking about this. Now I feel people think I am gay because I never had a stable relationship. People in my city judge severely according to this. Sometimes I just try to accept it but is extremely difficult to accept something that I am not. —Well, it’s normal and dysfunctional, which you already know. You have a complicated relationship to pornography and you clearly have significant-to-severe ocd, which includes multiple compulsions like mental review, hyper-analysis of your appearance and movements, reassurance seeking, etc. It’s severe enough that it’s keeping you from functioning on multiple levels. But it’s normal in the sense that many people have OCD (and complicated relationships with porn) and this is treatable. You have every reason to believe that you can get your life back if you make the right changes (i.e. stop doing compulsions). >>>I had my first session with a therapist phsycologist. I am not sure if every psychologist can help about this. She said she was an OCD specialist as well. Please give me an advise. I cannot handle anymore this and sometimes I feel preoccupied about my situation to the point of having suicidal thoughts. —Give the ocd specialist a chance. Try to remember that none of your strategies are working which is why you sought professional help from someone who knows how to treat ocd. Be upfront with the therapist about your suicidal thoughts and if you are ever in any danger of any kind of harm, go to the emergency room. Anna February 5, 2014 at 9:58 pm - Reply i developed the fear of being or acting like a lesbian like a month ago or so(on winter break) my mom told me that one of her male friends knew instantly that another of their friends was lesbian(which she is) because of how she walked talked and acted when she was around both male and female friends so i started questioning the way i walked talked etc and told my mom this and both got to the conclusion that im completly normal and femini in that area but then i started questioning whether i found a girl atractive or not which is how my hocd started everytime i saw a girl on tv or instagram facebook etc i would think yea shes pretty but like i dont like her that way i wont kiss her or anything when i thought it was over both fears the ways i acted and whether i found a girl atractive or not came even harder and i was like lost in my thoghts i wouldnt talk to anyone or if i did it would be short answers i was like in zombie mode or something just because i wanted to make sure that the thoughts would go away and to leave it clear to myself that im not a lesbian and that i dont talk or act like one. the fear and thoughts would stay with me for like another week and a half causing me anxiety before that i was already depressed cause i just changed schools and my bestfriend just move so im completly alone with my family who i see only on the weekends cause everyones busy. my dad left us like 2 years ago cause my mom found out he was having a double life cheating on her with men it was hard and when i first found out i thought oh no what if its like a family thing or what if i end up like that the only person who knew what was going on was my best friend who moved. i think my hocd started when my mom first told me about my dad cause i remember thinking what if now that my dads gay everyone things im gay too or what if i start to get feelings or just sexual desire for same sex when this thoughts first came i was like naaah im just overthinking or if like my friend said omg i want to look like that refering to another girl y would be like omg! me too and then the ocd would be like really you wanna look like that or you just like her body in a sexual way i would be like dude! i like guys so shut up(as you said in your blog i was on a whatever mode) so it went away and i didnt pay any attention to it at the time but now its been like a year since that happened and i feel like it came back cause of stress and depression plus i have noone to talk to so maybe thats the reason why it came back but im getting even more stresd out about it cause today i was in class and sudenly had an anxiety attack went to the bathroon and cried cause there are like 3 cute guys in my class and i thought one of them was like really cute and all of a sudden a voice on my mind was like yea hes cute what a shame you dont like guys so i was like wtf!!!! i dont know if its getting worst im affraid if i start to date him or even just talk to him i wont like him or start to think about girls insted(wich creeps me out) or what if at some point in the future im with a guy and my thoughts tell me aww hes such a great guy what a shame you don tlike them or something(that would be annoying and depressing). im 20 years old and im a virgin(wich scares me even more cause what if i dont like sex one day or something) ive never had a crush on a girl nor sexual desire or else. ive only been with guys and even had really intense crushes on them wich is why sometimes im just like what am i even worring about why am i so scared!!!! when i was 10 or 11 i had the same fear over death i would get frustrated scared and even cried about it i know deaths something we re all going to experiment one day and it has nothing to do with hocd but i think that im obssesing about this in the same way i used to obssed with death wich gives me hope that some days i would get over this. i thinks that its just the fear of one day me changing completely cause ive always wanted to have a husband and kids plus this thing has afected my personality alittle bit wich scares me cause im a really outgoing person and this fear has make kind of shy but more like scared of talking to new people(mostly girls wich is weird cause ive always had tons of female friends) or not being able to get over it. Jonathan Hershfield February 7, 2014 at 4:57 pm - Reply >>>>i developed the fear of being or acting like a lesbian like a month ago or so(on winter break) my mom told me that one of her male friends knew instantly that another of their friends was lesbian(which she is) because of how she walked talked and acted when she was around both male and female friends —That’s silly. >>>>so i started questioning the way i walked talked etc and told my mom this and both got to the conclusion that im completly normal and femini in that area but then i started questioning whether i found a girl atractive or not which is how my hocd started —So you had an intrusive thought about whether or not you “appeared gay” and then after getting reassurance, it triggered an urge to seek self-reassurance through testing and analyzing. >>>>everytime i saw a girl on tv or instagram facebook etc i would think yea shes pretty but like i dont like her that way i wont kiss her or anything when i thought it was over both fears the ways i acted and whether i found a girl atractive or not came even harder and i was like lost in my thoghts i wouldnt talk to anyone or if i did it would be short answers i was like in zombie mode or something just because i wanted to make sure that the thoughts would go away and to leave it clear to myself that im not a lesbian and that i dont talk or act like one. —What you’re talking about here, at least in part, is trying to get certainty about what goes on in the minds of other people, which is not possible. >>> the fear and thoughts would stay with me for like another week and a half causing me anxiety before that i was already depressed cause i just changed schools and my bestfriend just move so im completly alone with my family who i see only on the weekends cause everyones busy. my dad left us like 2 years ago cause my mom found out he was having a double life cheating on her with men it was hard and when i first found out i thought oh no what if its like a family thing or what if i end up like that the only person who knew what was going on was my best friend who moved. —Sorry you had to go through that family issue. I have seen many people with OCD whose obsession centered around the fear of doing something like or somehow emulating a family member that hurt them. >>>>i think my hocd started when my mom first told me about my dad cause i remember thinking what if now that my dads gay everyone things im gay too or what if i start to get feelings or just sexual desire for same sex when this thoughts first came i was like naaah im just overthinking or if like my friend said omg i want to look like that refering to another girl y would be like omg! me too and then the ocd would be like really you wanna look like that or you just like her body in a sexual way i would be like dude! i like guys so shut up(as you said in your blog i was on a whatever mode) so it went away and i didnt pay any attention to it at the time but now its been like a year since that happened and i feel like it came back cause of stress and depression plus i have noone to talk to so maybe thats the reason why it came back but im getting even more stresd out about it cause today i was in class and sudenly had an anxiety attack went to the bathroon and cried cause there are like 3 cute guys in my class and i thought one of them was like really cute and all of a sudden a voice on my mind was like yea hes cute what a shame you dont like guys so i was like wtf!!!! —OCD is a bully. Bully’s want a fight. So when you argue with a bully, you are giving it a reason to come around and bully you. When you agree with, confuse, or disregard a bully, it gets bored and moves on. Next time the bully says you don;t like guys, you can respond with “ok then” and continue going about your business. This will initially cause anxiety, but if you don;t refuel it with compulsions, the anxiety fades along with the obsession. >>>i dont know if its getting worst im affraid if i start to date him or even just talk to him i wont like him or start to think about girls insted(wich creeps me out) or what if at some point in the future im with a guy and my thoughts tell me aww hes such a great guy what a shame you don tlike them or something(that would be annoying and depressing). —It would be as annoying and depressing as you allow it to be based on how you respond to it. If you respond to your thoughts like they are intrinsically threatening, they will appear intrusive and harmful. >>>im 20 years old and im a virgin(wich scares me even more cause what if i dont like sex one day or something) ive never had a crush on a girl nor sexual desire or else. ive only been with guys and even had really intense crushes on them wich is why sometimes im just like what am i even worring about why am i so scared!!!! when i was 10 or 11 i had the same fear over death i would get frustrated scared and even cried about it i know deaths something we re all going to experiment one day and it has nothing to do with hocd but i think that im obssesing about this in the same way i used to obssed with death wich gives me hope that some days i would get over this. i thinks that its just the fear of one day me changing completely cause ive always wanted to have a husband and kids plus this thing has afected my personality alittle bit wich scares me cause im a really outgoing person and this fear has make kind of shy but more like scared of talking to new people(mostly girls wich is weird cause ive always had tons of female friends) or not being able to get over it. —Sounds like you have pretty good insight and a history of OCD. My recommendation is that you work on identifying and resisting your compulsions (whatever it is you do to attempt to get certainty about your orientation or what people think of it). The best way to do this is with the structure and support of an ocd therapist, but if that is not accessible, I would recommend using some kind of CBT-for-OCD workbook. Maxine March 18, 2014 at 6:19 pm - Reply Hi Jonathan, I think I’ve been suffering with this for the last month and a half. I’ve always fancied boys for as long as I can remember but am 22 and a virgin. I had a bad experience where I really fancied my guy best friend for pretty much a year but he rejected me and I think this is why this started – partly that and also because I’ve been a bit low since graduating from university last year and no longer have much of a social life. I’ve always enjoyed the attention of guys and fancied guys etc, but have had some worries in the past when seeing various films where there are straight sex scenes or a naked woman’s body etc that maybe I’m attracted to women. It’s difficult because the woman’s body is so often sexualised in mainstream cinema. I’m fairly certain I didn’t feel anything but always have the thought ‘Did I feel something then?’ The whole thing just makes me feel really uncomfortable. The above certainly hasn’t been all the time, just occasionally. I’ve never really had a relationship with a guy, but have always wanted one. I’ve never thought about actually being with a woman sexually or romantically until this whole thing started. I wonder would I enjoy it, and keep getting images of boobs in my mind and thinking ‘why am I getting pictures of boobs in my mind?’ It’s never a thought welcomed with happiness. It’s always something I just hate and feel so uncomfortable about, and i just want the thoughts to go away. I’ve always imagined myself with guys and I don’t want to be gay at all, but then is that just because it’s not a massively acceptable thing to be? The thought of being with a woman makes me cringe but i wonder if I’m in denial. I’m a very shy person so the thought of coming out as gay is incredibly scary, but then I don’t think I am gay. I really really don’t want to be gay but am so scared that I might be because of these thoughts. I’m scared that i’m never going to meet anyone because 22 is quite old to still be a virgin and to not have had much of a relationship before but, if I am gay, I don’t want to deny myself happiness, but the thought of being with a woman doesn’t make me happy; it makes me feel rubbish and like there’s something wrong with me. Please help, and I’m sorry if you have to repeat yourself! Thank you very much in advance, Maxine Jonathan Hershfield March 19, 2014 at 5:29 am - Reply >>>>I think I’ve been suffering with this for the last month and a half. I’ve always fancied boys for as long as I can remember but am 22 and a virgin. I had a bad experience where I really fancied my guy best friend for pretty much a year but he rejected me and I think this is why this started – partly that and also because I’ve been a bit low since graduating from university last year and no longer have much of a social life. I’ve always enjoyed the attention of guys and fancied guys etc, but have had some worries in the past when seeing various films where there are straight sex scenes or a naked woman’s body etc that maybe I’m attracted to women. It’s difficult because the woman’s body is so often sexualised in mainstream cinema. I’m fairly certain I didn’t feel anything but always have the thought ‘Did I feel something then?’ The whole thing just makes me feel really uncomfortable. The above certainly hasn’t been all the time, just occasionally. —This sounds like a pretty common start to an obsession about orientation, some mix of concern about how well you’re performing as one orientation and how much you notice the same sex. It’s true that many heterosexual women are more activated by visuals highlighting other women because of the way they are sexualized in the media and perhaps because they tend to respond less to visual stimuli overall (in other words, not feeling overwhelmed by portrayals of men). >>>I’ve never really had a relationship with a guy, but have always wanted one. I’ve never thought about actually being with a woman sexually or romantically until this whole thing started. I wonder would I enjoy it, and keep getting images of boobs in my mind and thinking ‘why am I getting pictures of boobs in my mind?’ It’s never a thought welcomed with happiness. It’s always something I just hate and feel so uncomfortable about, and i just want the thoughts to go away. —This is the problem. The thought about “what it would be like” is a normal thought process, not evidence of a crisis. You think about boobs because boobs exist and you think about them. Because you actively associate them with discomfort, they appear more intrusive and more persistent. The more you try to get rid of them, the more your brain records that they are very important instead of just, well, boob thoughts. The trick would be to accept and welcome their presence as thoughts, not as warning signs. >>>I’ve always imagined myself with guys and I don’t want to be gay at all, but then is that just because it’s not a massively acceptable thing to be? The thought of being with a woman makes me cringe but i wonder if I’m in denial. I’m a very shy person so the thought of coming out as gay is incredibly scary, but then I don’t think I am gay. I really really don’t want to be gay but am so scared that I might be because of these thoughts. I’m scared that i’m never going to meet anyone because 22 is quite old to still be a virgin —This is a judgment, not a fact. >>>>and to not have had much of a relationship before but, if I am gay, I don’t want to deny myself happiness, but the thought of being with a woman doesn’t make me happy; it makes me feel rubbish and like there’s something wrong with me. —The key to life is to pursue what makes you happy, not to be comfortable. You are saying it doesn’t make you happy when you consider being gay. OK. Then accept that you have thoughts about it and that they sometimes make you uncomfortable. Make the choice to allow them instead of trying to get rid of them. In treatment this might be addressed by doing exposure to the idea that the thoughts do mean your gay and looking for ways to trigger the thoughts and welcome them. ben April 12, 2014 at 9:26 am - Reply Hi my name’s Ben and recently I have had thoughts of a homosexual nature since 05/04/14. It started with thinking about whether it might be gay to have a male friend older than me who I used to work with but i didn’t make much of it initially as was one negilable idle thought and no attraction or anythig like that. however It then made me start to question whether I was gay or not in general and I actually forgot about the initial trigger. I started to look at males in a different way, questioning whether I was attracted to them, whether i was on the start to becoming gay and what that would mean this has been very uncomfortable for me especially when i felt bodily sensations which i think was checking for which I know isnt good to do but some were instantaneous. The one thing that really gets to me is the uncertainty of these thoughts as It has put my sexual orientation under scrutiny so i dont know what i am at the moment. I dont remember any homosexual experiences before the thoughts but some key past experiences are that i have never had a relationship with anyone, i have had intrusive thoughts about other things before and i have social anxiety which i have recently finished a course of 20 CBT sessions which i do believe has helped me. Recently, i have had more male based intrusive thoughts since I talked to my family about this and things like that and i have tried to determine whether I am attracted to it or not and to be honest I cant reach a definitive answer. I have also thought about women which i have had pleasant feelings but they were not as strong as they used to be which concerns me and fills me with doubt but it could because of doubt about the other gender is the cause of this. Bodily sensations come around like i said before and i’m not sure whether its thoughts about male or females which trigger them. I have not had an erection or any thoughts that gave me pleasure over any male images in my mind or what I see that is male in everyday life but i’m not sure whether i’m at the start of a slippery slope of the thoughts becoming pleasurable and therefore becoming gay. I also have tried to accept that It would not be the end of the world if i was gay and then afterwards i feel negative thoughts that i am gay to some extent for thinking like that then it all starts over again. I would just like to know what your comments and suggestions in regards to the issues i have brought up on this post so i can help myself Many Thanks Jonathan Hershfield April 17, 2014 at 4:11 pm - Reply Hi Ben, you describe a lot of common compulsions often found in this from of OCD. My main suggestion is that you consider what worked about CBT for social anxiety and how you could apply it to this obsession. In social anxiety, the fear is that you will be evaluated negatively by others. The primary treatment is engaging in exposures that require you to be aware of this uncertainty and resist avoidance compulsions and mental review. Same is true here. Trying to get a “definitive” (read “certain”) answer as to whether you are, were, or could e attracted to something is a compulsion. The concept of a “slippery slope” toward thoughts becoming pleasurable merely implies a distorted thought process that thoughts becoming pleasurable is a thing to fear. Grace May 19, 2014 at 7:06 am - Reply With articles I usually don’t give feedback or anything but I just want to say that this actually helped. I feel alot more confident in myself than I was before and I want to say thank you. Now all I has to do is try and find myself some treatment so I can finally be free again. Jonathan Hershfield May 24, 2014 at 6:30 pm - Reply Thanks for the feedback! If you want to email me, let me know where you are geographically, maybe I can recommend a good specialist. Anna May 19, 2014 at 10:13 pm - Reply Hi. I’ve been struggling with this for about two months and it’s really getting me down. I’m finishing off my exams and I don’t want this to distract me. I have a therapist whom I see for my generalized anxiety disorder and I’ve brought the situation up with her and she has tried to help me the best that she can as it is making me anxious. I think it started when one of my friends, who I no longer speak too as we have fell out, every time the situation of relationships would be brought up she would always make a comment about lesbians and look at me as if she was directing it at me. At first it didn’t affect me because I know for certain I am not a lesbian. I’ve always liked men and have always been attracted to men, never to boys my own age but to men in their thirty’s to fifty’s. But then it started getting to me and there was this constant thing in the back of my head that kept on questioning me constantly and it’s really bringing me down. I always have intrusive thoughts about women and it freaks me out because I don’t find women attractive. I think women are beautiful but I don’t want to be with them. I’ve tried accepting the fact that I maybe gay but that hasn’t helped at all. My therapist recommended that I just let the thoughts happen then I’ll stop thinking about them as your thoughts aren’t a true reflection of who you are as by now I would be a serial killer if that were true. I’ve never been a relationship with a boy because I’ve never found anyone my age who is attractive to me. Anytime I’ve had sex dreams it has always been between myself and a male celebrity that I find attractive. I know that 16 is the pivotal age of discovering yourself and who you are but I’ve never changed and I know who I am its just convincing my mind that I am the person who I’ve been all along, that I haven’t changed. If you could get back to me whenever you could that would be much appreciated Jonathan Hershfield May 24, 2014 at 6:45 pm - Reply >>>I’ve tried accepting the fact that I maybe gay but that hasn’t helped at all. —It’s unclear what you mean by this statement. How specifically did you confront your fear of uncertainty? Using what techniques over what period of time? Did you do any exposure with response prevention? The issue, as you describe it, is that your mind keeps presenting you with the thought that you may be gay. You know you aren’t gay, but you find the thoughts threatening somehow. Somehow you are responding to them like they are threats instead of the way you respond to most thoughts, like they are just traffic of the mind. Your response to them makes them more intrusive, more distorted, and more persistent. Your therapist gave you some excellent advice and pointed out some of your distorted thinking. My recommendation would be to do some form of exposure to the fear that the presence of these thoughts means something, or your friend’s comment may mean something. You can probably do this in the form of imaginal scripting. Ask your therapist about it. Anna May 29, 2014 at 2:18 pm - Reply I remember reading somewhere that one of the best ways to get rid of HOCD is by accepting the possibility that I maybe possibly be gay so I tried it and it didn’t do anything. It just made me nervous. My friend started doing that when I accidentally said that I wasn’t God’s gift to women instead of men. I laughed at it at first because I just muddled my words up and thought nothing of it. But whenever we would talk about what we wanted in our weddings to our future husbands she would look at me specifically and say “Or wife. I don’t discriminate.” I felt like victimizing me and she knew that I am straight so why would she be saying it? I think that’s when it started and every time I would try to do my therapist said I would feel sick. I tried looking at pictures and stuff of girls together to figure it out and it just freaked me out and I wasn’t attracted to it at all and have no interest in wanting to be with girls. I’ve never doubted myself before and I know that I only like men and always have. I don’t want to to control my life and it’s frustrating because I know I’m straight but it keeps coming up. Jonathan Hershfield June 7, 2014 at 3:56 pm - Reply >>>>I remember reading somewhere that one of the best ways to get rid of HOCD is by accepting the possibility that I maybe possibly be gay so I tried it and it didn’t do anything. It just made me nervous. —It’s not clear what it is exactly that you did other than say something to yourself and hoped it would “get rid” of your unwanted thoughts all of a sudden, which is not how it works. Acceptance of uncertainty comes about from extended intervals of behavior that indicate you have accepted uncertainty. For example, months of exposure to things that trigger your unwanted thoughts while resisting the urge to seek reassurance. Indeed it should make you nervous if you stop doing compulsions. You need to habituate to that feeling instead of validating it with compulsions, making it worse. >>>My friend started doing that when I accidentally said that I wasn’t God’s gift to women instead of men. I laughed at it at first because I just muddled my words up and thought nothing of it. But whenever we would talk about what we wanted in our weddings to our future husbands she would look at me specifically and say “Or wife. I don’t discriminate.” I felt like victimizing me and she knew that I am straight so why would she be saying it? —Not knowable why people do what they do, but you are personalizing her behavior to fit with your obsession. If a friend of mine did the same thing, I would assume they were just being affectionate or silly by teasing me. >>>I think that’s when it started and every time I would try to do my therapist said I would feel sick. I tried looking at pictures and stuff of girls together to figure it out and it just freaked me out —Exposure with response prevention only works if it is exposure with response prevention. Exposing to something triggering while responding with efforts to “figure it out” is exposure with a compulsive response and will not work. >>>>and I wasn’t attracted to it at all and have no interest in wanting to be with girls. I’ve never doubted myself before and I know that I only like men and always have. I don’t want to to control my life and it’s frustrating because I know I’m straight but it keeps coming up. —In short, the key is to stop engaging in behaviors that give your OCD a reason to keep bringing it up. Trying to prove to yourself something you already know is the most powerful way to keep doubting thoughts coming up. R June 15, 2014 at 6:16 am - Reply Good evening Mr Jon Hershfield, I enjoy reading your articles as they have encouraged me to get my life back and look at the bigger picture which is OCD itself. Because I do not have the money, I have started doing self-therapy such as Mindfulness, CBT and ERP on my own. I’ve been reading your articles and Stephen Philippson as well on how to tackle pure ocd thoughts. I find reading both these articles have helped me most of the days in understanding better the demon that is OCD. However, I still need help with a few things: Something that bothers me is the fact that I do not feel any anxiety towards the thought, however my progress spirals down with a negative feeling when seeing good looking men. Again, looking at the bigger picture.. I know this is something I do not want sexually nor romantically… It’s just a bothersome feeling that’s akin to a piercing knife. What would you as a therapist suggest? Should I approach this mindfully? Thank you for your time. Jonathan Hershfield June 20, 2014 at 8:47 pm - Reply Yes, I think the mindful approach would be to acknowledge that you get this feeling sometimes and not try to explain it. Of the possible explanations, there is the idea that you’re somehow gay and don’t know it or in denial, that the feeling is coincidental, or that the feeling is a relic of the fact that you used to get really uncomfortable when you’d see “good looking” men and now you just get this. Trying to sort out which is the right answer is a compulsion. R June 24, 2014 at 3:13 am - Reply Ok got it! Invite the possibility of the inevitable! Thanks Jon! E August 13, 2014 at 11:57 am - Reply I am a 20 year old female and I believe I have been experiencing anxiety or OCD for a couple of years. I use to be extremely afraid of throwing up and would do everything in my power to prevent myself from getting sick. I would clean, look up symptoms, constantly ask people if I’m gonna get sick, and avoid situations where people were sick. I also have convinced myself that I have had a brain tumor and other really crazy illnesses that would be quite impossible. Now I have convinced myself I’m lesbian but really hoping it’s HOcD. I have always loved men, have always been extremely girly girlish and loved heterosexual love movies, and have had a boyfriend for 2 years. I have never thought about hooking up with a female because that grosses me out and I love guys too much. But one day I was looking at a picture of a girl and got a gronial response and now am convinced I’m lesbian. I have looked up how to know if your lesbian, coming out stories, taking tests, and so on. These things make me feel better but sometimes I stumble on the story about a girl who had no idea she was lesbian and I immediately freak out. I think about it constantly all day and it makes me depressed and I just wanna be with my boyfriend and be happy. I feel the need to always tell myself I’m not lesbian and these thoughts will just go away…but they never do. It makes me even more nervous that I do not really get sexually attracted to my boyfriend now that these thoughts have been happening. I always knew I wanted to marry my boyfriend and would always be excited thinking about having kids in the future. Now it seems like I can’t picture myself with anyone. I even go over past sexual events in my life that would make me feel lesbian even though I’m not. I have never kissed a girl or never planned to. I fear that sometimes I’m sitting like a lesbian or doing extremely lesbian things. I have even convinced myself that I have crushes on people even though they make me feel uncomfortable. I’m just afraid I’m living a lie and im just denying the fact that I’m lesbian even though I’m pretty sure you can’t just automatically turn gay. I have talked to my mom and boyfriend about this and they both think I’m crazy and say there is no way I’m actually lesbian, but I still don’t believe them. I know deep down but I just always have these stupid uncomfortable thoughts and I don’t know what to do. Jonathan Hershfield August 14, 2014 at 12:07 am - Reply >>>>I am a 20 year old female and I believe I have been experiencing anxiety or OCD for a couple of years. I use to be extremely afraid of throwing up and would do everything in my power to prevent myself from getting sick. I would clean, look up symptoms, constantly ask people if I’m gonna get sick, and avoid situations where people were sick. —This is sometimes referred to as emetophobia, and not an uncommon issue. I think it represents more than just a simple phobia, though, because there tend to be many complex rituals involved, which I think are better understood in the context of an OCD diagnosis. >>>>I also have convinced myself that I have had a brain tumor and other really crazy illnesses that would be quite impossible. —Yes, also common in OCD. >>>Now I have convinced myself I’m lesbian but really hoping it’s HOcD. —So let me just address two things that stand out from the above statement. First, you are saying you have “convinced” yourself of something, but this cannot be true. if you were convinced, you would not be in doubt, and you would not be pursuing further analysis of the issue. You have a fear of being a lesbian, which is not the same thing as being convinced that you are one. Secondly, I think we need to be careful about saying things like “I hope it’s OCD.” this statement is its own meta-OCD trap. Why would you hope to have a terrible and sometimes debilitating mental health issue? What you are really saying, again, is that you are afraid you could be a lesbian and are wishing it not to be true. This wishing is a ritual in OCD. >>>>I have always loved men, have always been extremely girly girlish and loved heterosexual love movies, and have had a boyfriend for 2 years. I have never thought about hooking up with a female because that grosses me out and I love guys too much. But one day I was looking at a picture of a girl and got a gronial response and now am convinced I’m lesbian. —You are either very easy to convince of things, or you are over-attending to your thoughts like they are automatically important. Where is the evidence that having a groinal response to something is an indicator or predictor of one’s sexual orientation? >>>>I have looked up how to know if your lesbian, coming out stories, taking tests, and so on. These things make me feel better but sometimes I stumble on the story about a girl who had no idea she was lesbian and I immediately freak out. I think about it constantly all day and it makes me depressed and I just wanna be with my boyfriend and be happy. I feel the need to always tell myself I’m not lesbian and these thoughts will just go away…but they never do. —Why would they? They live off of compulsions like repeatedly reassuring yourself that you are certain you are straight and you continue to feed them. >>>>It makes me even more nervous that I do not really get sexually attracted to my boyfriend now that these thoughts have been happening. I always knew I wanted to marry my boyfriend and would always be excited thinking about having kids in the future. Now it seems like I can’t picture myself with anyone. I even go over past sexual events in my life that would make me feel lesbian even though I’m not. I have never kissed a girl or never planned to. I fear that sometimes I’m sitting like a lesbian or doing extremely lesbian things. —Sounds like you are doing the same compulsions you used to do because of your fear of getting sick and they are getting increasingly indirect. >>>>I have even convinced myself that I have crushes on people even though they make me feel uncomfortable. I’m just afraid I’m living a lie and im just denying the fact that I’m lesbian even though I’m pretty sure you can’t just automatically turn gay. I have talked to my mom and boyfriend about this and they both think I’m crazy and say there is no way I’m actually lesbian, but I still don’t believe them. I know deep down but I just always have these stupid uncomfortable thoughts and I don’t know what to do. —I can’t diagnose you from a blog comment, but you describe yourself as having history of OCD and you describe several common symptoms of sexual-orientation obsessions and compulsions. My recommendation would be to stop trying to address what you think is a sexual orientation issue and start addressing what you know is an OCD issue. If you get CBT from an OCD specialist, perhaps this will help you get out of this, but more importantly it will help you avoid getting into some other OCD mess later in life. If you want to tell me where you are geographically, perhaps I can suggest a good therapist. You might also find The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD (Hershfield/Corboy) and/or Freedom From Obsessive Compulsive Disorder (Grayson) useful. Melissa October 16, 2014 at 2:07 pm - Reply In the night, I started to research on a little further and found some articles that said that one homosexual experience did not define you. This got me thinking: “oh, maybe I do want to experiment, but then I’ll want to experiment again, because I am really going to like it; thus, I’ll live my life just saying I am “experimenting” while I say to the others that I am straight.” Even though I felt really anxious at the moment, I also felt like it was real; like if I really wanted to experiment, and that this would actually feel good, and that it would be something that I would enjoy. Couple of minutes later, after the anxiety subdued, I realised that I would probably not be capable of experimenting; however, in the time of the “thought” I felt like it was something that I truly wanted to do and would truly enjoy. Is it normal for these intrusive thoughts to be positive, meaning that they didn’t cause me “disgust” but instead triggered a sentiment of enjoyment??? Does it have to do with homosexuality?? I am very confused and haven’t been able to concentrate on anything for the last 12 hours… Jonathan Hershfield October 17, 2014 at 5:46 pm - Reply >>>In the night, I started to research on a little further and found some articles —I would advise against night research as a strategy for overcoming an obsession. >>> that said that one homosexual experience did not define you. This got me thinking: “oh, maybe I do want to experiment, but then I’ll want to experiment again, because I am really going to like it; thus, I’ll live my life just saying I am “experimenting” while I say to the others that I am straight.” —Maybe. The question is why you think such an idea is a threat to you in the present. >>>Even though I felt really anxious at the moment, I also felt like it was real; like if I really wanted to experiment, and that this would actually feel good, and that it would be something that I would enjoy. Couple of minutes later, after the anxiety subdued, I realised that I would probably not be capable of experimenting; however, in the time of the “thought” I felt like it was something that I truly wanted to do and would truly enjoy. Is it normal for these intrusive thoughts to be positive, meaning that they didn’t cause me “disgust” but instead triggered a sentiment of enjoyment??? Does it have to do with homosexuality?? I am very confused and haven’t been able to concentrate on anything for the last 12 hours… —The objective reality is that things that feel good, feel good. Believing that you should be disgusted by something that feels good makes little sense. I am not disgusted by the idea of using heroin. I think it would probably feel great. My decision not to use this drug isn;t based on some ridiculous notion that I would hate it, but because I just don’t see it fitting into my lifestyle and the consequences or risks outweigh the idea that it would be a good feeling. This doesn’t make me a closeted drug addict, just a realist. I’m not gay. This doesn’t mean that I think a gay sexual act would be void of pleasure. It just means any curiosity I might have about it is not guiding my behavior. In terms of OCD, you need to stop trying to figure out if your thoughts and feelings “make you” gay and instead work on accepting that you have all kinds of thoughts and feelings and none of them are automatically important until you follow them with behavior. Brenna October 20, 2014 at 12:19 am - Reply lately I have obsessively thinking if I am straight or not (I am a 25 yr old women). I have been looking up how you know if you are a lesbian/bi/straight. If I’m out I will look at women and see if I am attracted to them. I keep telling myself I’m straight because I know deep down that I am. I have always been attracted to men and have been in relationships and have had crushes. I am really confused and am not sure what to think. I’ve never been diagnosed with ocd before and I don’t know if I do have hocd or not. Jonathan Hershfield October 20, 2014 at 5:46 pm - Reply I can’t diagnose you from a blog comment. I can say that reassurance-seeking on the internet, “testing” to see what you are or are not attracted to, repeatedly telling yourself that your fears are untrue because of xyz, and repeatedly reviewing your past for evidence that your fears are true or untrue are all common compulsions for people with OCD. Nutella October 22, 2014 at 7:48 pm - Reply Hello everyone, So it’s been a week of not checking the blogs or forums for me! (This doesn’t count – I haven’t looking at anything above posting this comment). I just wanted to tell you that not checking online for reassurance helps. A LOT. When you have no unlimited resources like the internet to check for reassurance, things feel so much better and at least more in perspective. I think I’m at the stage where now I’m obsessing even more about my orientation, but in refusing to check – or at least, trying to change my habits of compulsions when I do notice I’m doing them – is helping. The internet can and will tell you anything and everything, and it doesn’t necessarily apply to your life. Only you know you. I’m no where close to beating this HOCD, but I’m learning to accept the possibility that maybe I am in denial! But even if I am, I still choose guys and am not living in fear. It’s so much better now, and it’s only been a couple of days. Dr. Hershfield’s book about mindfulness is so, so, so, so insightful. I highly recommend it. It is reminding me that life in the present is life best lived. I highly recommend literally BLOCKING on your computer sites like ocdspecialists, ocdla brainphysics, empty closets, psych forums, etc. They are intelligent and amazing resources for information, but as people on them have stressed so much, they also fuel reassurance. it’s like going to a bar when you have a problem with alcohol. Just wanted to share some positive thoughts and encouragement. 🙂 Nutella Jonathan Hershfield October 27, 2014 at 8:41 pm - Reply Glad to hear you are doing the work and getting better. And I wholeheartedly agree — everyone block me! Keep up the great work! Tristan Gaddis November 1, 2014 at 2:49 pm - Reply Hi. I’m a 16 year old male. Im pretty sure I’m suffering from HOCD. I have always had ocd. For example I used to think I had cancer and it was terrible, I would look up answers to find out if I really had cancer. That all started from one little pain in my stomach. I’m getting off topic. Back to hocd. This started about a year ago. About the same time last year. I had it up to spring break. I fell in love with a girl. I have strong feelings for her and I love her. The ocd went away for a while until it came back about two months ago. I constanly seek an answer. Always looking on the internet. I have moments where I’m good and then moments where I feel like I’m losing my mind and there is no hope. I stay away from my guy friends.I also feel like sometimes that Im not dating my girlfriend. I have always enjoyed being attracted to girls and I’ve had crushes on girls since I was very little. I have never liked men. And I never will. But the thoughts that go thru my head are killing me. I can’t sleep and can enjoy being with my girlfriend. I was recently prescribed to celexa. I just hope everything goes back to normal. I want my life back from this ocd monster. Any advice? Jonathan Hershfield November 1, 2014 at 4:38 pm - Reply >>>Hi. I’m a 16 year old male. Im pretty sure I’m suffering from HOCD. I have always had ocd. For example I used to think I had cancer and it was terrible, I would look up answers to find out if I really had cancer. That all started from one little pain in my stomach. —I’m not sure what the neurological connection is, but in my clinical experience it appears that many people with HOCD have a history of health anxiety. >>>I’m getting off topic. Back to hocd. This started about a year ago. About the same time last year. I had it up to spring break. I fell in love with a girl. I have strong feelings for her and I love her. The ocd went away for a while until it came back about two months ago. I constanly seek an answer. Always looking on the internet. —These are compulsions. Some people use hand sanitizer to feel certain their hands don;t have germs on them. You use the internet to feel certain you’ve wiped away any possible gayness. >>>I have moments where I’m good and then moments where I feel like I’m losing my mind and there is no hope. I stay away from my guy friends. –This avoidance is also a compulsion, no different than avoiding door knobs for someone with contamination fears. >>>I also feel like sometimes that Im not dating my girlfriend. I have always enjoyed being attracted to girls and I’ve had crushes on girls since I was very little. I have never liked men. And I never will. But the thoughts that go thru my head are killing me. I can’t sleep and can enjoy being with my girlfriend. I was recently prescribed to celexa. I just hope everything goes back to normal. I want my life back from this ocd monster. Any advice? —The most effective treatment for OCD is cognitive behavioral therapy with an ocd specialist. If you want to email me what geographical area you are in, I might be able to recommend an appropriate therapist. Otherwise you can check the treatment provider list at iocdf.org. je187u November 6, 2014 at 1:48 am - Reply THANK YOU for this 4 part article mr ! About a year ago i understood that i’ve been strugling with HOCD , contamination ocd , for 14 years , i’m 28 right now , the thought of being gay or bisexual made me attempt suicide 2 times when i was younger and to contemplate suicide numerous times because i could not live like that any more . WHEN I was younger i was a extremely homophobic . BUT I CHOSE ” LIFE ” Every time i think about being gay or not i always , every single time , realize that i’m 100% straight , i have never been aroused by man , i don’t love men but instead i am aroused only by women and love only women BUT i still have always doubt in my head thinking that ” what if this time i’ve changed ????? ” ME realizing that i’m straight is very time consuming , because of the constant doubting , it rubs me of time on this earth and i know that doubt will always be there , i can’t fight this , What should i do to fight the doubt ? me being extremely confident based of the numerous times i realized that i’m straight regardless of the thought that come into my head , not letting doubt creep in is the right approach ? YOU SAY “: How do I know if I’m gay? What if I am? I have to know! You have to guess. You have to settle for confidence instead of certainty. You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be and risk being wrong ” I don’t understand the gassing part can you please elaborate more on this… Jonathan Hershfield November 6, 2014 at 4:30 am - Reply >>>>THANK YOU for this 4 part article mr ! About a year ago i understood that i’ve been strugling with HOCD , contamination ocd , for 14 years , i’m 28 right now , the thought of being gay or bisexual made me attempt suicide 2 times when i was younger and to contemplate suicide numerous times because i could not live like that any more . —Sorry you have gone through so much pain. You make a technical error here when you say that the thought of being gay or bi “made you attempt suicide.” Thoughts are thoughts. It was your belief that you could not tolerate the idea of being gay that lead to your conclusion that you should attempt to harm yourself. This belief, that certain kinds of thoughts are unbearable, is a dangerous belief. >>>WHEN I was younger i was a extremely homophobic . BUT I CHOSE ” LIFE ” Every time i think about being gay or not i always , every single time , realize that i’m 100% straight , i have never been aroused by man , i don’t love men but instead i am aroused only by women and love only women BUT i still have always doubt in my head thinking that ” what if this time i’ve changed ????? ” —The concept of “what if this time it;s different” is very common in OCD. It is a sign of a common cognitive distortion called Disqualifying the Positive. Basically what it means is that you are not allowing in any information that contradicts your obsession. This can be rectified in cognitive behavioral therapy. >>>ME realizing that i’m straight is very time consuming , because of the constant doubting , it rubs me of time on this earth and i know that doubt will always be there , i can’t fight this , What should i do to fight the doubt ? —Since you have established quite clearly that fighting the doubt is a waste of time, it makes more sense to learn how to live alongside the doubt instead >>>me being extremely confident based of the numerous times i realized that i’m straight regardless of the thought that come into my head , not letting doubt creep in is the right approach ? —I would say letting doubt come and go as it pleases and not let its presence or absence influence your behavior. >>>YOU SAY “: How do I know if I’m gay? What if I am? I have to know! You have to guess. You have to settle for confidence instead of certainty. You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be and risk being wrong ” I don’t understand the gassing part can you please elaborate more on this… —No. je187u November 6, 2014 at 2:11 am - Reply “You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be ” SO I should accept the possibility that i could be living a lie ? Jonathan Hershfield November 6, 2014 at 4:32 am - Reply You seem to have no problem accepting the possibility that I am not Jon Hershfield. You read these blogs and comments and treat them like they have value because of your assessment that it is probably this guy Jon Hershfield who’s probably an OCD therapist. So yes, in order to accomplish pretty much anything, we have to accept the possibility that we are wrong. je187u November 6, 2014 at 4:33 am - Reply basically I’ve reach the conclusion that whatever rational and impartial conclusion that i reach in life i must not let doubt about that idea creeps in my head because doubt is just poison , it doesn’t do me any good , instead it paralyses me, doubt does not let me live my life, instead i must let destiny and future prove me wrong instead of doubting the conclusion i’ve reached … what good could a firefighter do if he would doubt creep in his mind , how could he rescue people … Louise December 12, 2014 at 3:11 am - Reply Hello, and thanks for the article. I am a 19 year old female and have liked many boys. I have been suffering with HOCD for the last 2 years. Yesterday at night, my friend came home from a party and told me that she saw some lesbians kissing at a party and took a picture of them. I had the thought that I wanted to see this pictures. I have now spend the entire day analysing why I wanted to see this pictures. Because my friend erased the pictures, I googled some images of lesbians kissing. Although at first I felt disgusted I then started to feel erotic/ sexual pleasure seeing these images while feeling anxious at the same time. I had never felt this combination of sexual pleasure with what perhaps was anxiety while seeing a straight couple kiss. The images of the lesbians kissing were erotic, sexual, and I felt my mind was telling me that this was something that I wanted to do and that I would enjoy. Is this a sign of a hidden homosexuality that I must come to terms with? Does imagining lesbian scenarios and feeling sexually exited, curious, mean I have a lesbian inclination? I feel I will never be able to overcome hocd until I accept that I am gay. PLEASE HELP. I am under great great distress. If I imagine what being a lesbian is: having gay thoughts and liking them, and I have gay thoughts which make me feel that I want to pursuit these actions and make me think I like them (even though in reality I dont think I would find these possible or carry them out), does this make me a lesbian? Also, sometimes I feel an impulse to kiss a girl just to see for once a for all if I like it, but I am afraid. I beg you to help me. Jonathan Hershfield December 18, 2014 at 9:48 pm - Reply >>>>Hello, and thanks for the article. I am a 19 year old female and have liked many boys. I have been suffering with HOCD for the last 2 years. Yesterday at night, my friend came home from a party and told me that she saw some lesbians kissing at a party and took a picture of them. I had the thought that I wanted to see this pictures. I have now spend the entire day analysing why I wanted to see this pictures. —I don’t get it. Why would you not want to look at the pictures? If they were pictures of a bobcat fighting a rabid dog, would you need to know for certain why you wanted to or did not want to look at those? >>>Because my friend erased the pictures, I googled some images of lesbians kissing. Although at first I felt disgusted I then started to feel erotic/ sexual pleasure seeing these images while feeling anxious at the same time. I had never felt this combination of sexual pleasure with what perhaps was anxiety while seeing a straight couple kiss. The images of the lesbians kissing were erotic, sexual, and I felt my mind was telling me that this was something that I wanted to do and that I would enjoy. Is this a sign of a hidden homosexuality that I must come to terms with? —You seem to be searching for meaning in the inherently meaningless. Seems completely normal to me that a person might find erotic pictures to generate erotic arousal, regardless of their preferred orientation. Anxiety comes into the picture when you start seeking certainty instead of accepting experiences as they are in the present moment without judgment. >>>Does imagining lesbian scenarios and feeling sexually exited, curious, mean I have a lesbian inclination? —See above. >>>>I feel I will never be able to overcome hocd until I accept that I am gay. —This is a contradictory statement, much like saying you will never overcome hypochondriasis until you accept you have cancer. >>>PLEASE HELP. I am under great great distress. If I imagine what being a lesbian is: having gay thoughts and liking them, and I have gay thoughts which make me feel that I want to pursuit these actions and make me think I like them (even though in reality I dont think I would find these possible or carry them out), does this make me a lesbian? Also, sometimes I feel an impulse to kiss a girl just to see for once a for all if I like it, but I am afraid. I beg you to help me. —You appear to be painting yourself into a corner of black and white thinking, wherein the basic idea of liking something suddenly defines your entire identity. Being a lesbian makes you a lesbian. Liking or not liking individual things has little do with it. I’m not sure what I can do to help you from a blog post other than suggest that you stop trying to seek certainty and consider that you might be dealing with an obsession. In that case, I would recommend seeing an ocd specialist for an evaluation and/or reading one of the many books on the subject to help you identify and resist compulsions. Lauren January 6, 2015 at 7:59 pm - Reply Jonathan, thank you very much for this article and for all of your responses. I really appreciate the time and energy you’ve put into this. Best wishes to you. Jonathan Hershfield January 12, 2015 at 4:35 am - Reply Thanks for the kind comment, Lauren! Amy January 10, 2015 at 12:09 am - Reply Hi, two months ago I had an abortion and ever since I’ve been suffering with intrusive thoughts everyday and at night is when I usually have my moment of relief when the thoughts completely go away and I feel so happy and as if there has been a weight lifted off my shoulders, and I essentially feel like knowing that at the end of the day the thoughts always go away is what keeps me sane. When I was 13-14 I had questioned just randomly that I might be a lesbian and it freaked me out, and I had learned that if you knock on wood three times any possible jinx goes away, so from then on I would repeat to myself I’m not gay I like men every night and knock on wood and it had become sort of a ritual because I had never actually found any female attractive I could look at naked women and not think anything of it, I’m now 19 years old and still doing the same thing but it’s gotten to the point after the anortion where some days I’m afraid to go out because I’ll find a girl attractive or that I’m in love with one of my best friends and whenever Im not with her I over analyze everything and keep asking my self if I do like her and then when im with her I don’t feel any attraction towards her and I feel completely normal and I tell myself I can accept being a lesbian but when I do the thoughts still don’t go away and when I fight them I can do so for hours and hours a day I stay in the washroom and talk to myself and it was never this bad. I just don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m GONNA wake up one morning and be in a relationship with a female and there’s gonna be nothing I can do about it and it scares me. Another thing I don’t understand is that I don’t find females sexually attractive but I keep having this thought that Im GONNA be in a relationship with one and it doesn’t make sense to me, I’m losing my mind over this and I just want my thoughts to go back to normal I want to marry a man and have children with a man and I want my best friends to be my bridesmaids. I test myself an awful and its literally the same thing every time every day I make a speech to myself about 4-5 times a day and its ridicuLous. And I’m also afraid of my friend being attracted to me, none of this makes any sense and I just want it to all go away, I pray for it to go away but I feel like this is my punishment for the abortion and now I’m just going to have to live with it. as for the knocking on wood it’s gotten so much worse that everyone points it out and it’s impeding me from doing things and being in the moment rather than in my head. I just need help and don’t know what to do anymore, is this hocd or am I in some sort of denial because I really do not want to ever be in a relationship with a female, I just want my sanity back Jonathan Hershfield January 12, 2015 at 5:12 am - Reply >>>>Hi, two months ago I had an abortion and ever since I’ve been suffering with intrusive thoughts everyday and at night is when I usually have my moment of relief when the thoughts completely go away and I feel so happy and as if there has been a weight lifted off my shoulders, and I essentially feel like knowing that at the end of the day the thoughts always go away is what keeps me sane. —Sorry to hear you had to go through a difficult experience. Sometimes traumatic situations can precede OCD episodes. Spending the day waiting for thoughts to go away is a guaranteed way to keep them intruding during the day. >>>>When I was 13-14 I had questioned just randomly that I might be a lesbian and it freaked me out, and I had learned that if you knock on wood three times any possible jinx goes away, so from then on I would repeat to myself I’m not gay I like men every night and knock on wood and it had become sort of a ritual because I had never actually found any female attractive I could look at naked women and not think anything of it, I’m now 19 years old and still doing the same thing but it’s gotten to the point after the anortion where some days I’m afraid to go out because I’ll find a girl attractive or that I’m in love with one of my best friends and whenever Im not with her I over analyze everything and keep asking my self if I do like her and then when im with her I don’t feel any attraction towards her and I feel completely normal and I tell myself I can accept being a lesbian but when I do the thoughts still don’t go away and when I fight them I can do so for hours and hours a day I stay in the washroom and talk to myself and it was never this bad. —You describe a lot of common OCD symptoms. >>>>I just don’t know what to do and I feel like I’m GONNA wake up one morning and be in a relationship with a female —That would be an unusual way to wake up. >>>>and there’s gonna be nothing I can do about it and it scares me. Another thing I don’t understand is that I don’t find females sexually attractive but I keep having this thought that Im GONNA be in a relationship with one and it doesn’t make sense to me, I’m losing my mind over this and I just want my thoughts to go back to normal I want to marry a man and have children with a man and I want my best friends to be my bridesmaids. I test myself an awful and its literally the same thing every time every day I make a speech to myself about 4-5 times a day and its ridicuLous. And I’m also afraid of my friend being attracted to me, none of this makes any sense and I just want it to all go away, I pray for it to go away but I feel like this is my punishment for the abortion and now I’m just going to have to live with it. as for the knocking on wood it’s gotten so much worse that everyone points it out and it’s impeding me from doing things and being in the moment rather than in my head. I just need help and don’t know what to do anymore, is this hocd or am I in some sort of denial because I really do not want to ever be in a relationship with a female, I just want my sanity back —It sounds like your OCD is pretty severe and you are doing a ton of compulsions. My recommendation is to get CBT from an OCD specialist so you can learn the tools you need for overcoming this disorder. Joe January 10, 2015 at 12:25 am - Reply I’m not sure if it’s a good strategy, but several times for the past couple of weeks I have tried something resembling an exposure script. It’s basically just me calmly and deliberately rewinding all my previous thoughts, feelings and experiences regarding my sexual orientation, looking back on some things from the past in a more ”revealing” light, confronting my denial and establishing the obsessions I have as nothing more then a defense mechanism, etc.and then gathering up the exposed evidence and trying to visualize a future in which I am a gay man. I did this several times and at first it was really uncomfortable. Now I use little bits of the ”speech” whenever I start feeling really unsure or when I feel like I REALLY need to make sure. In a way, I’m discouraging myself from obsessing by accepting the possible unwanted outcome. Sometimes it’s just a little reminder, but whenever I become really worried, I try to be really self-confrontational and blunt. If I eventually manage to reconcile and be at ease with what the script is predicting, is that ironically likely to trigger more worrying? Jonathan Hershfield January 12, 2015 at 5:14 am - Reply If I understand what you are describing, it sounds like a good approach. You want to be doing exposure to the possibility that you are in denial and may never know for sure. Joe January 12, 2015 at 10:08 am - Reply Honestly that sounds more scary than the idea of just being gay, but I guess that’s the point of a successful exposure. Thanks. Amy January 25, 2015 at 4:09 am - Reply Hi, I’ve posted here before and the thoughts about my friend have gotten worse to the point where I feel like Im lying when I say I want to be with a guy or when I say I find a guy attractive. I just don’t feel like myself and I wish these thoughts about wanting to be with my friend would go away. They actually aren’t any specific thoughts it’s just that my mind tells me I’m lying to myself about wanting to be with males but when I say okay I do like my friend the idea of being with her makes me sick and I just can’t picture being in a relationship with someone I see as being my sister. And I went out on a date and for a few moments the bad thoughts would go away and I was enjoying myself but then they would come back and I felt like it ruined everything and I’m just afraid I’m always gonna have these thoughts and never be happy with a man. I just want everything to go back to normal, it’s not even a real thought it’s like nothing is there but it still bothers me that I had the thought in the first place. I’m absolutely disgusted by the idea of being with my friend and this is ruining my percepto Jonathan Hershfield January 30, 2015 at 5:14 am - Reply Sorry you’re having such a rough time, Amy. The more you wish for thoughts to go away and treat them like intruders, the more intrusive and disturbing they will be. You describe doing a lot of mental ritualizing, theorizing, reviewing scenarios in your head, etc. These are all attempts to prove you don’t “like” your friend and they are what is fueling the obsession. You don’t have to tell yourself you DO like her. There is no evidence to support this assertion, so even as an exposure it is ineffective. You have to be willing to say “OK, there’s that thought, and that’s fine, maybe it means whatever and so be it.” You will only be able to do this if you stop checking, testing, and reviewing, and instead focus on the present moment. This may mean tolerating anxiety as it comes and goes and not trying so hard to get rid of it. Are you seeing an ocd therapist? That would help you construct a plan for letting go of this obsession. Amy January 31, 2015 at 2:20 am - Reply Thank you for the feedback. I have not met with an OCD specialist but I am meeting with a counsellor who has suggested we do talk therapy and if need be I will get an OCD test done and go from there. Even when I accept the thought it still doesn’t go away and when I haven’t thought about it for a while in that duration I’m fine but as soon as I realize I haven’t thought of it the thought comes back, it’s like I do it on purpose and I don’t want to. I just don’t like being around her when I have these thoughts and it just really sucks, we’re room mates so it’s really hard dealing with this. I just want my friend back to being my friend in my mind and not be bothered by the thought of her Jonathan Hershfield February 1, 2015 at 5:18 am - Reply >>>>Thank you for the feedback. I have not met with an OCD specialist but I am meeting with a counsellor who has suggested we do talk therapy and if need be I will get an OCD test done and go from there. Even when I accept the thought it still doesn’t go away —If you are waiting and watching for the thought go away, then you are not accepting it. >>>>and when I haven’t thought about it for a while in that duration I’m fine but as soon as I realize I haven’t thought of it the thought comes back, it’s like I do it on purpose and I don’t want to. —Rather than viewing the thought as leaving and returning, you need to view the thought as being a thought that you are either attending to or not attending to, but always exists nonetheless. >>>I just don’t like being around her when I have these thoughts and it just really sucks, we’re room mates so it’s really hard dealing with this. I just want my friend back to being my friend in my mind and not be bothered by the thought of her —I understand it is frustrating. Keep practicing being around her and not treating the thoughts as threats. Joe February 5, 2015 at 1:18 am - Reply Your replies to my questions have been really helpful, Jonathan so first I would like to thank you. I’ve made some strange observations recently, on one of my more relaxed days. I recently listened to an episode of Invisibilia, and got some really helpful insight on the basics of CBT. So far, I’ve tried to apply mindfulness basics to my everyday life by raising awareness and tolerance to the anxiety-inducing thoughts and sensations. I’ve also done some admittedly unstructured DIY ERP, and it has been helpful. Most interestingly, while I was trying to abstain from compulsive actions in real life and online (it’s difficult) I somehow neglected to pay more attention to all the weird rituals I performed constantly in my head. I say little because unlike the more obvious mental rituals, they are mostly fleeting, reassuring thoughts that spark up through the anxiety, and recently, I’ve been doing my best to identify them. As it turned out, unsurprisingly, there are a lot of them, some of them like tiny mantras, and I conjure them up almost automatically (I might even say subconsciously but that sounds dumb) . So, how is identifying and managing a compulsive thought different from deliberately suppressing an obsessive thought? I understand the former is beneficial and the later isn’t but what should I pay attention to? Thank you, again. 🙂 Jonathan Hershfield February 8, 2015 at 6:58 am - Reply These are good observations. To your question, there is a different between trying to suppress a thought (which is bad) and trying to interfere in or resist a mental ritual (such as a self-reassurance, neutralizing, mental review, analysis, etc.). The key is to notice when you are actively and voluntarily trying to DO something in your mind aimed at getting certainty about your obsession, label it as a behavior, and abandon it for the present moment. This may mean letting it go on in the background sometimes, but not actively participating in it. You’re not responsible for what you can;t control, and some noise in your head looks like mental rituals but is just happening automatically. However, once you notice you are doing it, you can resume control and walk away from it, or at least try. There is a fair amount of discussion about the different kinds of mental rituals and how to make sense of them in The Mindfulness Workbook for OCD. je187u March 21, 2015 at 2:34 am - Reply TY for the help and this site mr , i see you help a lot of people here , God bless you ! Michelle July 17, 2015 at 3:10 am - Reply “You have to settle for confidence instead of certainty. You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be and risk being wrong.” I know it’s not actually true to believe I can’t handle the risk in being wrong but I really feel like I can’t handle it if I am wrong and even more so, not being able to know, RIGHT NOW, if I am right or wrong. And my relationship, how do I know I am in the right relationship now and this is how it is supposed to feel? Sometimes this one plays around in my head. I still get anxiety around a female coworker who is gay and I can’t tell if it’s anxiety because of fear related to OCD or anxiety because I am attracted to her. I was introduced to the book “You are not your brain”. I was all motivated to learn on ways to manage my anxiety and doubt but I feel like I just can’t be certain I am even labelling thoughts properly. What if I am wrong? How do I know I am doing this right? How do I know when a thought is just a thought/deceptive message/intrusive? Others seem to be able to also KNOW they aren’t gay/bisexual but their brain won’t stop the doubt. While I have had some of those moments, right now I don’t feel like I can answer that so I doubt the moments of being confident. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself I am straight and not bisexual? By being mindful of thoughts or working on feelings/thoughts through CBT are people able to trust in the thoughts and feelings they believe are their true self? Are they able to tell who their true self is? I just feel like I can’t settle with any label right now and that almost feels worse. Actually it makes me consider a different label I hadn’t previously considered in all this anxiety and doubt. It’s so hard for me to even know HOW I know I am attracted to someone in a sexual/intimate relationship way. Does this make sense for Ocd symptoms? I go through waves where I think ��Ya I should get help, I should go see an OCD specialists” and then waves of “This is probably not even OCD and I’ll just feel like an idiot after seeing them. I just need to learn to accept myself”. I have this script I play in my head of what I would say to the therapist to see if I could even explain myself properly (sometimes writing/typing comes easier then explaining things verbally for me. Could I bring that in?). I am just really not sure about seeing a therapist because I just imagine myself choking up and not explaining things properly. Sometimes it takes me being consumed in the fear to be able to express what happens. Maybe they will think I just read the diagnostic manual and I am just trying to diagnose myself instead of working on accepting my sexual orientation. But why would I be able to relate and understand the doubt and anxiety other ocd sufferers go through? Like, I get it. (Oh and I am not saying I understand what it’s like to have certain themes or compulsions but I get how doubt and anxiety could be present and convince people of things that just aren’t true). In fact I am doubting everything I am writing here because maybe I am just trying to convince you that I am experiencing ocd symptoms and I want reassurance and certainty (which I know I do). Sorry maybe this was more of a ramble then anything. I am not even highly anxious in my body but feel very stuck in my head (could this still be a symptom?). I Jon Hershfield July 18, 2015 at 8:42 pm - Reply >>>>“You have to settle for confidence instead of certainty. You have to live your life as if you are the thing you want to be and risk being wrong.” I know it’s not actually true to believe I can’t handle the risk in being wrong but I really feel like I can’t handle it if I am wrong and even more so, not being able to know, RIGHT NOW, if I am right or wrong. —Yes, it is difficult, but as you pointed out, it’s a FEELING. >>>>And my relationship, how do I know I am in the right relationship now and this is how it is supposed to feel? Sometimes this one plays around in my head. I still get anxiety around a female coworker who is gay and I can’t tell if it’s anxiety because of fear related to OCD or anxiety because I am attracted to her. —It is unknown. More importantly, it is unknowable. >>>I was introduced to the book “You are not your brain”. I was all motivated to learn on ways to manage my anxiety and doubt but I feel like I just can’t be certain I am even labelling thoughts properly. What if I am wrong? How do I know I am doing this right? How do I know when a thought is just a thought/deceptive message/intrusive? Others seem to be able to also KNOW they aren’t gay/bisexual but their brain won’t stop the doubt. While I have had some of those moments, right now I don’t feel like I can answer that so I doubt the moments of being confident. Maybe I am just trying to convince myself I am straight and not bisexual? By being mindful of thoughts or working on feelings/thoughts through CBT are people able to trust in the thoughts and feelings they believe are their true self? Are they able to tell who their true self is? —You have a disorder characterized by a deficit in the ability to tolerate uncertainty. CBT can improve this deficit. >>>>>I just feel like I can’t settle with any label right now and that almost feels worse. Actually it makes me consider a different label I hadn’t previously considered in all this anxiety and doubt. It’s so hard for me to even know HOW I know I am attracted to someone in a sexual/intimate relationship way. Does this make sense for Ocd symptoms? —I suppose because I treat OCD and hear this sort of thing a lot. >>>>I go through waves where I think “Ya I should get help, I should go see an OCD specialists” and then waves of “This is probably not even OCD and I’ll just feel like an idiot after seeing them. I just need to learn to accept myself”. —Feeling like an idiot and accepting yourself are not mutually exclusive from having OCD and getting treatment for it. >>>I have this script I play in my head of what I would say to the therapist to see if I could even explain myself properly (sometimes writing/typing comes easier then explaining things verbally for me. Could I bring that in?). —You could, but it sounds like a compulsion to me. >>>I am just really not sure about seeing a therapist because I just imagine myself choking up and not explaining things properly. Sometimes it takes me being consumed in the fear to be able to express what happens. Maybe they will think I just read the diagnostic manual and I am just trying to diagnose myself instead of working on accepting my sexual orientation. But why would I be able to relate and understand the doubt and anxiety other ocd sufferers go through? Like, I get it. (Oh and I am not saying I understand what it’s like to have certain themes or compulsions but I get how doubt and anxiety could be present and convince people of things that just aren’t true). —Because you have OCD and you’re empathic but you don’t have all obsessions all the time? >>>>In fact I am doubting everything I am writing here because maybe I am just trying to convince you that I am experiencing ocd symptoms and I want reassurance and certainty (which I know I do). Sorry maybe this was more of a ramble then anything. I am not even highly anxious in my body but feel very stuck in my head (could this still be a symptom?). I —The thing you need to recognize here is that your attempts to get certainty are compulsions that are actually fueling doubt and pushing you further way from clarity. Michelle July 18, 2015 at 2:00 am - Reply I have a question about intrusive thoughts. What I keep thinking about these, when I read from others and material, is like a loud voice that just flashes in someones brain. Like if in this text a sentence would be in caps, huge font and bolded and its in red and just flashes out of nowhere. So the way an intrusive thought would just intrude into consciousness like “bam”. And then this leads to a response which is anxiety and then a compulsion (in ocd). But can it be ocd if a thought was more gradual in nature? Where I had the thought “what if im a lesbian and I didnt realize it?”. It caused worry and fear and then I didnt mainly worry about it for a few weeks (at this point had lots of doubt and feelings I didnt want about my relationship). And then I started thinking what if im a lesbian more and more, “maybe it would explain my relationship doubts”.But i cant guarantee it just intruded into my consciousness like a big flash against my will. It was like I got more and more anxiety and then the question kept getting bigger and lead to ruminating and analyzing and more doubt. It was like once i thought it I couldnt not not think about it until it did become obsessive. And i am scared to say this but I can’t be sure I have single intrusive thoughts that are just louder then all the rest against my will. Thiz then makes me think maybe the thoughts arent egodystonic? As far as overanalyzing or ruminating, thinking about the worst case scenario or seeking reassurance in some way, I dont really remember a time that I didnt do this in some way. I also just feel like I have A LOT of thoughts that affect me about A LOT of different things a lot of the time. Does this sound like it could be ocd or something else or just anxiety? I know you cant diagnose me but I have been thinking about this piece for a very long time and was wondering what you, as a very knowledgable and experienced professional, would say? Jon Hershfield July 18, 2015 at 8:59 pm - Reply >>>>I have a question about intrusive thoughts. What I keep thinking about these, when I read from others and material, is like a loud voice that just flashes in someones brain. Like if in this text a sentence would be in caps, huge font and bolded and its in red and just flashes out of nowhere. So the way an intrusive thought would just intrude into consciousness like “bam”. And then this leads to a response which is anxiety and then a compulsion (in ocd). —Sounds right to me. >>>>But can it be ocd if a thought was more gradual in nature? Where I had the thought “what if im a lesbian and I didnt realize it?”. It caused worry and fear and then I didnt mainly worry about it for a few weeks (at this point had lots of doubt and feelings I didnt want about my relationship). And then I started thinking what if im a lesbian more and more, “maybe it would explain my relationship doubts”.But i cant guarantee it just intruded into my consciousness like a big flash against my will. —You are compulsively trying to get certainty about whether your obsessive thoughts are obsessive enough to be considered obsessive because you believe knowing for certain that you have OCD would guarantee that you’re not gay. That sounds like OCD to me. >>>>It was like I got more and more anxiety and then the question kept getting bigger and lead to ruminating and analyzing and more doubt. It was like once i thought it I couldnt not not think about it until it did become obsessive. And i am scared to say this but I can’t be sure I have single intrusive thoughts that are just louder then all the rest against my will. Thiz then makes me think maybe the thoughts arent egodystonic? —I wouldn’t bother getting so caught up in the ego-dystonic vs ego-syntonic issue. It;s just one way to help us understand why people find their thoughts upsetting. I can very easily have a thought of running someone off the road if they cut me off in traffic. It doesn’t cause me anxiety, but then it’s also not something I would ever actually do. So it neither makes sense to me nor seems to be coming from an alien place. It is neither syntonic nor dystonic. It is a thought. Trying to know for sure what kind of thought it is would be a compulsion, particular if I thought that figuring this out would somehow inoculate me from my obsessive fears coming true. >>>>As far as overanalyzing or ruminating, thinking about the worst case scenario or seeking reassurance in some way, I dont really remember a time that I didnt do this in some way. I also just feel like I have A LOT of thoughts that affect me about A LOT of different things a lot of the time. Does this sound like it could be ocd or something else or just anxiety? I know you cant diagnose me but I have been thinking about this piece for a very long time and was wondering what you, as a very knowledgable and experienced professional, would say? —I would say you need to get a professional assessment from a clinician and I would start with someone who specializes in OCD. Michelle July 21, 2015 at 7:02 pm - Reply Thank you for replying. I am really struggling right now. I can see how the doubting doesn’t stop. Actually when you said that I am believing that it being ocd would guarantee I am not gay, I started to remember a response you gave to another post and compare mine. I worried that I am not trying to prove to myself “enough” that I am straight (aka by trying to remember interactions with the opposite sex… Which I do sometimes) but I seem to imagine scenarios more to see if I would or do like the idea of being with a woman.This makes me.continue to question that I am doing this because I may actually be gay or bisexual. I have one more question. While I am not diagnosed (if thats even poasible) I am familiar with and relate to being an “adult child of an alcoholic” and the traits the literature describes (addiction is present in my immediate family). Ive been involved in alanon. So it makes me think I just learned not to trust my intentions or thoughts and to doubt myself. So I know you say I am obsessing about if my thoughts are obsessive enough but thats why I get focused on how people realize thwy had ocd from a child. So I keep thibking that for them it means there is truly something malfunctioning in their brain where for myself, I have just learned patterns of thinking and behaving and therefore it may not be ocd? (this could be applied to maybe I am just struggling with accepting my sexual orientation). I am just describing what I am thinking and not claiming to know. Jon Hershfield July 25, 2015 at 2:01 pm - Reply I think your attempts to get certainty through hyper-analysis in this post are still compulsions. Some people have early onset OCD (before age 10) and some people have late onset OD (after 10). It doesn’t mean anything. You are trying to prove you have OCD instead of treating your OCD. Gena April 7, 2016 at 2:17 am - Reply Hi I have a question about gay fantasies. You said in your post that for a second you would consider yourself to be gay for stopping to linger at the picture of Hugh Jackman as wolverine for how attractive he is. But only for that very moment, then for the rest of your time you go on to be what you consider yourself to be, which is a straight male. Therefore making a statement of how heterosexuals can have gay thoughts too, without it being a bearing towards their sexuality. Which leads me to ask this question: when does it leave from being just a fantasy into an indication of you being a homosexual? Is there no limit to what you can fantasize about and shamefully enjoy, which in shame meaning that you don’t desire it? Jon Hershfield April 8, 2016 at 1:55 pm - Reply No idea. Probably for each individual to decide. Best not to try to be certain about it. Elias fisher July 10, 2016 at 11:46 pm - Reply Jon I need you’re help. I am at my wit’s end with this. First off my name is Elias I’m about to turn 18. And I have been suffering from this since October 2015. I always thought I was straight my whole life. And one day I decided to start watching porn at like 10. I know that’s wrong but its what happened. And then I started watching all kinds of porn then I eventuallystarted to watch tranny porn in like 2014. I did not think anything of it. I was crushing on girls at school. Now I have been diagnosed with ocd,add,aspergers and anxeity disorder. The problem is I don’t obsess about cleaning or neatness I have had obsessions here and there with my health. I remember one time early in my sophomore year in highschool a gay kid I was friends with touched my leg and I got wierded out and didn’t like ot. But junior year I had this girl I liked a lot and she played footsiwith me under the table and I think I liked it I got all tingly inside. The problems I am having with this is I am scared to death that am in denial and that I’m just just depressing my sexuality because I get aroused by tranny porn I read all these articles to make me feel better constantly but then it comes back. My mom told me that my uncle who is bipolar thought he was gay too. He also has ocd. She never specified about it. Can you tell me if I’m gay or bi. I just want my anxiety to go away. I want to be straight! Jon Hershfield July 15, 2016 at 8:58 pm - Reply I obviously can’t tell you what your sexual orientation is. I can tell you that people who are addicted to or have an unhealthy attachment to pornography often find themselves needing to push the boundaries of the content of their porn to achieve the same stimulation, so they often end up finding things that are stimulating outside of their historical orientation. This doesn’t say anything in particular about what their orientation or sexual identity actually is. My recommendation is to reduce your porn intake for starters and to focus less of your attention on the subject of sex and sexuality. It is only one thing to attend to among many in life, and hyper-focusing on it will only cause you to be plagued by fears and doubts like these. Given the aspergers diagnosis, it may be helpful for you to think of this in terms of whether your behavior is achieving the results you are looking for and not getting caught up in abstract theories about orientation. Given the OCD diagnosis, you need to stop trying to get certain about things. Who_am_I September 9, 2016 at 1:29 pm - Reply Hi Jon, I feel so lost. I don’t know if I am gay or have HOCD. I am a 31 male and live in Europe. Please forgive my english but it’s not my native language. I’ve had a fear of being gay since I was 15 or 16. The Trigger was a book that we had to read for school about a teenager who slowly figures out he is attracted to a same sex friend. It grossed me out. But I started to think what if this happens to me? And I got freaked out. It troubled me for a couple of weeks but it left me for a quiet some time. It came back in my early 20s. I got hit on by a gay person. Questions like “why did he hit on me?” surface. Since we all know the Story of the (what in my country people call a) “gay radar”, which basically says that gay people recognize each other just by looking, I was really stressed out. My Cousin is gay so I talked to him. He reassured me that this is not science and that a gay man hitting on me had absolutely no meaning. But he said that being gay is in your genes and since we share some DNA I thought there’s a risk I might have it too. My fear grew over the years. New Triggers emerged. I was always nervous around gay people or people who I thought could be gay. After a while good looking men, muscular men made me nervous. I have always had admiration for muscles. I would compare myself to those men, since for me it was a sign of strengh and I wanted to look that way. Or at least thats what I thought at the time. I don’t know anymore. I feel I don’t know who I am anymore. When my best friend from high School called me 1,5years ago to tell me he’s gay it went straight down to hell. I was happy for him but it freaked me out. He told me that from the moment he knew he was gay he’s had no interest in women at all. I started checking myself. Did I still have attraction for women? and often I thought, “Man that girl is so hot and you didn’t even look after her”. This checking wasn’t there all the time. Sometimes I wouldn’t even think about it. I have chased after girls for my entire life. I’ve never even had a gay fantasy. I’ve been masturbating to straight porn a couple of times a day since I was 12. Some might even say I had a porn addiction. I digged busty chicks. I would see boobs and get hard. Once on a Business trip I went for a beer with a colleague. On the way to a bar we got lost so we stopped and he looked at his map. I watched him studying the map and i got really nervous, as if I wanted to kiss him. It felt like an urge, but not a good one. The only thing I could think of is “whats going on? nooooo thats not possible! You cannot be attracted to him. Thats not possible you are not gay!” I couldn’t breathe, I was so afraid of what was going on with me. 5minutes later everything was normal. I don’t know how long I’ve been doing it but for a while now I realized that every time I accidently touched a same sex person even if it was with my elbow I would cringe. I would interupt some movements if I thought they were gay, even when I was alone (for example touching my tablet with my pinky….) It got really bad this summer. Panic attacks.I must add that have been a heavy green smoker for the last 6 years with heavy usage every day (only at night during the week but still very intense). I was lying in bed and couldn’t sleep since I was sober. While watching TV the thought popped up again and wouldn’t leave my brain until I forced myself to imagine myself with other men which grossed me out and calmed me down. I could finally go to sleep.But the fear stayed in the background. 1month ago it hit me while high. I had never felt fear with this intensity. I couldn’t breathe, shivers, sweat. I just wanted it to stop. So I looked at gay porn for like 10sec which was gross to me. It hadn’t even come to actual sex yet. I turned it off was releaved, watched straight porn and went to bed. The fear was put in the back again. It was still there but not very strong and I only thought about it when Triggers came along which wasn’t that often. 1,5 Weeks ago it came back full throttle and hasn’t left since. When it first came back I had to make it stop again so I tried to use porn again. I didn’t want to look at gay porn again fearing I might like it this time. So I watched straight porn and couldn’t get an erection. PANIC! Ok you have to try gay porn again. I didn’t get an erection either. But it felt weird. Some weird feeling in my penis. It’s been one big nightmare since. For most of the time I cannot think about anything else. It makes it almost impossible to work since I can’t focus on anything for more than 5seconds. It felt like every man i saw was on the verge of turning me on and I looked at women and tried to be turned on but I felt nothing. I was checking for penis reaction all the time. I felt it move all the time. I couldn’t sleep for more than 3-4 hours, I couldn’t eat. I noticed that what helped to calm me down in almost every Situation in the past, Smoking some …. actually made my anxiety even worse. So I decided to quit 4 days ago. I didn’t sleep well but a lot better. Last wednesday I went to my barber and felt weird when he looked at me while cutting my hair. I thought dude you felt something, accept it. You are probably gay learn to accept it. You have a date later on, check if she turns you on and move on with your life. So I went on the date. She’s a really cute woman and I have become very horny because of her in the past. I tried to find her attractive but it didn’t work. Instead I was only noticing the men around. “Ok, you’re gay, accept it, move on.” It calmed me down. A lot. I didn’t feel good about it though. I wasn’t relieved. It just calmed me down. But it still didn’t make any sense. I went back to my friend’s house (where I have been sleeping for the last week because I was scared and he’s the only person I talked to about this) thinking well this is it. Oddly enough, on the way there I stopped noticing guys. Since I thought I was gay and thus my fear is gone I smoked again. I freaked out. Went to “sleep” high but woke up 3 hours later with so much anxiety, it was unbearable. Sweats, difficulty to breathe, I had to run up and down in the appartment for like 2 hours. I just thought: “This doesn’t make any sense. How can you be gay? No fantasies, always been chasing girls and been seriously attracted to them, how can you be gay?” Did I force myself to do believe it? I just don’t know anymore. Every experience with Girls, every Feeling, all the times I was madly in love was just an Illusion? I threw the rest of my stash in the toilet. I went to work. It was just horrible. I couldn’t sit still, I had to go outside every hour. (Last week I found a therapist who works with HOCD patients and made an appointment but it’s only in 3 weeks…) I wrote a mail to my therapist who doesn’t know me yet and just told him my whole Story. It calmed me down. I was in a much better mood. And I was pretty sure again I am not gay. I went to bed sobre with just a Little anxiety which was a huge improvement. I woke up in Panic though. I can’t tell you what I dreamt the more I try to remember it the more it fades away, all I know is it involved my gay Cousin. I went to work and started to feel the fear go away again. Men on the street were simply men, I had a Feeling that Girls were becoming more interesting again. Before lunch a colleague smiled at me and I felt weird again. And suddenly men were attractive again. I read alot about hodc in the last week (before that I didn’t even know about it), about facing your fear. So I looked at all the men trying to be unbiased and not to think about it. And I thought they look good, there’s attractive men here. I like looking at them. Ok you are gay. I calmed down. But I still don’t feel good. My brain is telling me that it’s because I have to adjust and I am scared of my family’s reaction (catholic family), but I don’t think thats it. It still doesn’t make any sense to me. And again, after that I didn’t care about men again. I just don’t know anything anymore. Before I stop I just wanted to add that writing about it makes me think I’m not gay, It’s weird. I had the same Feeling yesterday. It’s weird. Who_am_I September 9, 2016 at 1:52 pm - Reply I just wanted to add that since last week I am afraid to have an erection. I am also afraid to look at straight porn because I couldn’t get an erection anymore. Jon Hershfield September 15, 2016 at 12:30 am - Reply Avoidance won;t help the situation. That being said, if you are going to look at pornography, you have to commit to doing so without also trying to assess your orientation or get reassurance. If you can’t, it would be best to take a hiatus and focus on your OCD treatment instead. Jon Hershfield September 15, 2016 at 12:28 am - Reply >>>>Hi Jon, I feel so lost. I don’t know if I am gay or have HOCD. I am a 31 male and live in Europe. Please forgive my english but it’s not my native language. I’ve had a fear of being gay since I was 15 or 16. The Trigger was a book that we had to read for school about a teenager who slowly figures out he is attracted to a same sex friend. It grossed me out. But I started to think what if this happens to me? And I got freaked out. It troubled me for a couple of weeks but it left me for a quiet some time. It came back in my early 20s. I got hit on by a gay person. Questions like “why did he hit on me?” surface. —This is a common story I hear. >>>>Since we all know the Story of the (what in my country people call a) “gay radar”, which basically says that gay people recognize each other just by looking, —-That is ridiculous. >>>>>>I was really stressed out. My Cousin is gay so I talked to him. He reassured me that this is not science and that a gay man hitting on me had absolutely no meaning. But he said that being gay is in your genes and since we share some DNA I thought there’s a risk I might have it too. —-There is a risk you have a lot of things. Mostly you allow yourself to remain uncertain. >>>>>My fear grew over the years. New Triggers emerged. I was always nervous around gay people or people who I thought could be gay. After a while good looking men, muscular men made me nervous. I have always had admiration for muscles. I would compare myself to those men, since for me it was a sign of strengh and I wanted to look that way. Or at least thats what I thought at the time. I don’t know anymore. I feel I don’t know who I am anymore. ——-I have had many clients who express concern about their interest in muscles. >>>>>When my best friend from high School called me 1,5years ago to tell me he’s gay it went straight down to hell. I was happy for him but it freaked me out. He told me that from the moment he knew he was gay he’s had no interest in women at all. I started checking myself. Did I still have attraction for women? and often I thought, “Man that girl is so hot and you didn’t even look after her”. This checking wasn’t there all the time. Sometimes I wouldn’t even think about it. I have chased after girls for my entire life. I’ve never even had a gay fantasy. I’ve been masturbating to straight porn a couple of times a day since I was 12. Some might even say I had a porn addiction. I digged busty chicks. I would see boobs and get hard. —That is significant porn use at an early age. >>>>Once on a Business trip I went for a beer with a colleague. On the way to a bar we got lost so we stopped and he looked at his map. I watched him studying the map and i got really nervous, as if I wanted to kiss him. It felt like an urge, but not a good one. The only thing I could think of is “whats going on? nooooo thats not possible! You cannot be attracted to him. Thats not possible you are not gay!” I couldn’t breathe, I was so afraid of what was going on with me. 5minutes later everything was normal. I don’t know how long I’ve been doing it but for a while now I realized that every time I accidently touched a same sex person even if it was with my elbow I would cringe. I would interupt some movements if I thought they were gay, even when I was alone (for example touching my tablet with my pinky….) —–I can’t diagnose you from a blog comment, but this sounds like OCD to me. You are clearly engaging in compulsions to avoid being contaminated by “gayness”. >>>>>It got really bad this summer. Panic attacks.I must add that have been a heavy green smoker for the last 6 years with heavy usage every day (only at night during the week but still very intense). —-There is reason to believe that heavy marijuana use can cause some significant mental health issues, particularly in young people. It certainly can lead to problems with panic and anxiety that can exacerbate OCD. >>>>>I was lying in bed and couldn’t sleep since I was sober. While watching TV the thought popped up again and wouldn’t leave my brain until I forced myself to imagine myself with other men which grossed me out and calmed me down. I could finally go to sleep.But the fear stayed in the background. 1month ago it hit me while high. I had never felt fear with this intensity. I couldn’t breathe, shivers, sweat. I just wanted it to stop. So I looked at gay porn for like 10sec which was gross to me. It hadn’t even come to actual sex yet. I turned it off was releaved, watched straight porn and went to bed. The fear was put in the back again. It was still there but not very strong and I only thought about it when Triggers came along which wasn’t that often. —-This is a checking.reassurance seeking compulsion guaranteed to result in a worsening of your obsession. >>>>> 1,5 Weeks ago it came back full throttle and hasn’t left since. When it first came back I had to make it stop again so I tried to use porn again. I didn’t want to look at gay porn again fearing I might like it this time. So I watched straight porn and couldn’t get an erection. PANIC! Ok you have to try gay porn again. I didn’t get an erection either. But it felt weird. Some weird feeling in my penis. —-Checking an analyzing your reactions plays into the OCD. >>>>It’s been one big nightmare since. For most of the time I cannot think about anything else. It makes it almost impossible to work since I can’t focus on anything for more than 5seconds. It felt like every man i saw was on the verge of turning me on and I looked at women and tried to be turned on but I felt nothing. I was checking for penis reaction all the time. I felt it move all the time. I couldn’t sleep for more than 3-4 hours, I couldn’t eat. I noticed that what helped to calm me down in almost every Situation in the past, Smoking some …. actually made my anxiety even worse. So I decided to quit 4 days ago. —–Good. >>>>>I didn’t sleep well but a lot better. Last wednesday I went to my barber and felt weird when he looked at me while cutting my hair. I thought dude you felt something, accept it. You are probably gay learn to accept it. You have a date later on, check if she turns you on and move on with your life. —-Checking this way is as effective as checking a stove or a lock. Always makes the obsession worse in the end. >>>>>So I went on the date. She’s a really cute woman and I have become very horny because of her in the past. I tried to find her attractive but it didn’t work. Instead I was only noticing the men around. “Ok, you’re gay, accept it, move on.” It calmed me down. A lot. I didn’t feel good about it though. I wasn’t relieved. It just calmed me down. But it still didn’t make any sense. I went back to my friend’s house (where I have been sleeping for the last week because I was scared and he’s the only person I talked to about this) thinking well this is it. Oddly enough, on the way there I stopped noticing guys. Since I thought I was gay and thus my fear is gone I smoked again. I freaked out. Went to “sleep” high but woke up 3 hours later with so much anxiety, it was unbearable. Sweats, difficulty to breathe, I had to run up and down in the appartment for like 2 hours. —-You have to stop using marijuana as a strategy for addressing your mental health issues. >>>>>I just thought: “This doesn’t make any sense. How can you be gay? No fantasies, always been chasing girls and been seriously attracted to them, how can you be gay?” Did I force myself to do believe it? I just don’t know anymore. Every experience with Girls, every Feeling, all the times I was madly in love was just an Illusion? I threw the rest of my stash in the toilet. I went to work. It was just horrible. I couldn’t sit still, I had to go outside every hour. (Last week I found a therapist who works with HOCD patients and made an appointment but it’s only in 3 weeks…) I wrote a mail to my therapist who doesn’t know me yet and just told him my whole Story. It calmed me down. I was in a much better mood. And I was pretty sure again I am not gay. I went to bed sobre with just a Little anxiety which was a huge improvement. I woke up in Panic though. I can’t tell you what I dreamt the more I try to remember it the more it fades away, all I know is it involved my gay Cousin. I went to work and started to feel the fear go away again. Men on the street were simply men, I had a Feeling that Girls were becoming more interesting again. Before lunch a colleague smiled at me and I felt weird again. And suddenly men were attractive again. I read alot about hodc in the last week (before that I didn’t even know about it), about facing your fear. So I looked at all the men trying to be unbiased and not to think about it. And I thought they look good, there’s attractive men here. I like looking at them. Ok you are gay. I calmed down. But I still don’t feel good. My brain is telling me that it’s because I have to adjust and I am scared of my family’s reaction (catholic family), but I don’t think thats it. It still doesn’t make any sense to me. And again, after that I didn’t care about men again. I just don’t know anything anymore. Before I stop I just wanted to add that writing about it makes me think I’m not gay, It’s weird. I had the same Feeling yesterday. It’s weird. —-This compulsive telling yourself that you’re gay reduces your anxiety because it makes you feel certain. Then the uncertainty comes back and you feel dependent on compulsions again. My recommendation is to treat your OCD with cognitive behavioral therapy and also to stop abusing cannabis. Good that you have found a therapist already. Best of luck in treatment. Leave A Comment Comment... Name (required) Email (required) Website POST COMMENT Jon Hershfield, MFT hershfield-80x90Director of The OCD and Anxiety Center of Greater Baltimore and specialist in the treatment of OCD and related disorders. Learn more about Jon Hershfield Brenda Kijesky, LGMFT Licensed Graduate Marriage and Family Therapist, treating children and adults with OCD and related disorders. Learn more about Brenda Kijesky Molly Schiffer, LGPC Licensed Graduate Professional Counselor, treating children, adolescents, and adults with OCD and related disorders. Learn more about Molly Recent Articles IMG_9926   New Office and New Team Member: OCGB Welcomes Molly Schiffer, LGPC March 27th, 2017 Man solving problem thinking   How to Respond to Unwanted Thoughts July 23rd, 2016|34 Comments officebldg   Introducing Brenda Kijesky, LGMFT May 21st, 2016 Latest News April 7th at the 2017 Anxiety and Depression Association of America Conference in San Francisco, CA "Using Games to Improve ERP Compliance When Treating OCD" by Jon Hershfield and Shala Nicely July 7th at the International OCD Foundation's 24th Annual OCD Conference in San Francisco, CA "ERP Games for Living Joyfully with OCD" with Jon Hershfield and Shala Nicely July 8th at the International OCD Foundation's 24th Annual OCD Conference in San Francisco, CA "The Use of Technology in OCD Treatment" with Elizabeth McIngvale, Monnica Williams, Katrina Rufino, and Jon Hershfield July 9th at the International OCD Foundation's 24th Annual OCD Conference in San Francisco, CA "My OCD Says I’m a Bad Person: Tackling Moral Scrupulosity" with Jon Hershfield and Patrick McGrath THE LATEST FROM FACEBOOK The OCD and Anxiety Center of Greater BaltimoreThe OCD and Anxiety Center of Greater Baltimorewww.ocdbaltimore.com/ocgb-welcomes-molly/ New clinician at The OCD and Anxiety Center of Greater Baltimore and more! 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