#jaeworks

[taekwonduh]

First Love Commemoration: Miss [Taehyung]

Summary: First loves are hardly ever beautiful, at least, not the way I remember it. It makes me think how much of a miracle being in love is. I don’t know what that feels like anymore, not after you. You were my first, and so much more.

Characters: Anyone with a first love, bts centric.

Tags: mild angst, sliceoflife

Seokjin | Yoongi | Hoseok | Namjoon | Jimin | Taehyung | Jungkook | Afterthoughts

Notes: alas, we have reached the end of the series, with none other than preshus tae to conclude it. most probs will be doing a separate conclusion post to write about my afterthoughts and perhaps (hopefully) hear from the new followers ive gained whilst posting this series. i really want to hear what you guys have to say (if you have anything to say at all!) <3 enjoy

I can say ‘I missed you’ five times and they all have different meanings.

Words: 902

          You used to chide me for being insensitive, especially to the admirers that cut my path in school, bashfully holding up an intricately decorated box, or a customized cake with my name and a heart written in pink icing. I didn’t understand what you meant—I smiled, I thanked, and I apologized for not being able to accept more than their well-intentions. And you said that was exactly what was wrong.

          I didn’t know being too kind could be evil, I didn’t know being too considerate would make others feel uncomfortable, but that was exactly the way I treated everyone. Everyone with perhaps the exception of you. We hadn’t grown up together, but we might as well have. The amount of memories we created in the eight years of knowing each other could outrun both our grandparents’ stories of the past combined.

          You once asked me why I never accepted any of those gifts, which had been indirect confessions, or as I liked to call it, bribery. I answered saying if I accepted even one, everyone would expect me to accept the rest, and that it would be burdensome to have a locker filled with gifts that I didn’t want. Then what exactly do you want? You had asked. I told you I didn’t know. So to add on the list of things I was ignorant of as a teen—I had not a clue that sometimes being too truthful could cause another pain.

          That was the first time I missed you.

          I had forgotten all about that conversation until you phoned me late one Sunday night to ask about homework. Even if it weren’t for your shaky tone, I knew right off the bat that something was up—why would you, a straight-A student, ask me, someone who was barely passing their classes, about homework? But I didn’t bring it up. I didn’t want to confront you if you were so obviously trying to cover something up. Before we ended the call, you told me you loved me.

          I love you too, champ, now go to bed, we have school in seven hours. I realise now, that I missed you for the second time then.

          My third mistake came when we got invited to a party two weeks later. I’d never seen you so excited for a party, so on your earnest request, I agreed to go with you. You mentioned that you had something important to tell me, and I, being the insensitive fool, called you two hours before to say that I’d give the party a miss because my little sister needed babysitting.

          The next morning when I rang your bell for our usual commute to school together, it was your mother who answered. She just left ten minutes ago, you must have missed her! I thought you were just angry with me for ditching you last minute. Before I boarded the bus, I stopped by the bakery to buy your favourite strawberry bread and chocolate milk to apologize.

          You were angrier than I thought. And, even though I was the least entitled person to get mad, irritation bubbled in the pits of my belly when I saw you caged between an unfamiliar student’s frame and the lockers behind. For the first time, I learned what jealousy felt like. Until then I had been the only one to have ever been in such proximity with you, until then I had been the only person you would ever smile so sweetly for. The bread went to the trash, and the milk to one of my admirers.

          If we had been friends, I would have been okay with you dating someone else. But for the next few nights, I remained captive to insomnia, to wondering what exactly this situation we were in was all about. Since when were you interested in someone else? Since when had there been a person interested in you—and why hadn’t I realised that sooner? If we had been friends, I wouldn’t have cut off our eight year long relationship just because there was someone who noticed you earlier than I did.

          Just yesterday I received your wedding invitation in the mail. It made me recall those beautiful years I had with you—all our laughs, our fights and even our end, which had been entirely due to the chances I had not taken and my cowardice. You had always been the better of us, the smarter, wiser and stronger one. I guess that’s how you could move on, and that’s why I’m still stuck in the past, in the bakery that sold your favourite bread, in all my mistakes.

          I’m sorry, but I think I’ll have to give your wedding a miss. I might do something stupid like hand you this letter, and who knows what kind of chaos might unfold—although, that’s just me hoping the feelings you had for me have not completely been extinguished. Perhaps you wouldn’t even think twice before tossing it into the trash. But I guess only then could we call it even, right?

          I realise, with chagrin, that I can say ‘I missed you’ five times and they all have different meanings. So now that I’ve written all this out, I think I can finally tell you what I’ve been meaning to say all these years.

          I missed you.

          I missed you.

          I missed you.

          I missed you.

          And I really, really miss you. 

[taekwonduh]

First Love Commemoration: Oxygen [Jimin]

Summary: First loves are hardly ever beautiful, at least, not the way I remember it. It makes me think how much of a miracle being in love is. I don’t know what that feels like anymore, not after you. You were my first, and so much more.

Characters: Anyone with a first love, bts centric.

Tags: mild angst, sliceoflife

Seokjin | Yoongi | Hoseok | Namjoon | Jimin | Taehyung | Jungkook | Afterthoughts

Notes: guysss this series is going to wrap up over the weekend! :D

In a world that was out to drown me, baby you were my oxygen.

Words: 575

          I learnt from a young age the harshness of the world on people who don't work hard. Born with a platinum spoon jammed down my throat, I lived each day of my life gagging and heaving because of the privileges my parents slogged their youths away to bestow upon my unworthy shoulders. I was constantly trying be better, to be deserving. I tried and I tried, yet the only damned thing I am good at is working hard.

          We were very much alike—we both knew, both had to grow up a little too early, to leave blissful childhood behind because the people in our solar systems needed and demanded us to. Yet we had been so different. You were so worthy, from head to toe you carried yourself like a king, but you were born without entitlement, without power and privilege.

          The moment our worlds touched, I wanted to give you everything, hand you this burdensome crown and strip off the gold plates that seemed to weigh as much as the earth's core. But I was in no position to do so—I was a sinking ship and you were the captain that stayed with me to the end. Eventually, I drowned you, you drowned in me; because of me. 

          You were a black hole in reverse—instead of sucking in, you were being sucked out—I stole all your breaths before you had the chance to breathe them. I fell for you in the least romantic way possible; nothing was romantic about watching you flail and gasp for air in an ocean that I couldn't swim through. 

          You had been my lifesaver, both figuratively and literally. You pushed me up and up, closer to the surface where at least the sun could shine. But when I turned around to grab you, you had been drowning, sinking deeper into the blues that you had tried so desperately to pull me out of.

          I learnt that we all had a specific role to play in life. You were meant to save, to lift others up, to let them step all over you and you were not meant to complain—because that's just you. I was to be saved, yet no matter how much I tried to repay the favour, I could not pull you back up, because you were never meant to be saved. 

          You once told me that maybe not everyone was meant to be happy. I have not forgotten these words—I don't think I can. 

          In a world that only tried to suffocate me, baby you were my oxygen. But I was haze to your lungs and your lips grew purple with each passing day I latched on to you. When we broke up in an empty classroom on a rainy Thursday, you told me again and again that it wasn't my fault, and I had clung on to you, crying, begging, even though I understood deep down that nothing can change the fact that no matter what I did, no matter how much I loved you, I could never be the oxygen you were to me. 

             Yes, I know it was for the best, and I'd do anything to make sure you were happy, to make sure you were breathing. I just wish—I just wish we had met as different people playing different roles. Perhaps in the next universe, you would find your oxygen, and it would be me. 

[taekwonduh]

First Love Commemoration: Reverse [Jungkook]

Summary: First loves are hardly ever beautiful, at least, not the way I remember it. It makes me think how much of a miracle being in love is. I don’t know what that feels like anymore, not after you. You were my first, and so much more.

Characters: Anyone with a first love, bts centric.

Tags: mild angst, sliceoflife, (tw) implied depression

Seokjin | Yoongi | Hoseok | Namjoon | Jimin | Taehyung | Jungkook | Afterthoughts

You could not love me, not in this lifetime, and I was okay with that. I could do the loving.

Words: 852

          Every now and then I find myself laughing at how ridiculous and completely inaccurate our school's perception of you was. Given, I too had been one of those who scooted out of your way when you stormed down the hallways with a world-damning scowl embedded in your face. That was until I walked in on you crying by yourself under a stairwell. 

          For someone rumoured to have unified multiple opposing gangs and monopolized an entire town with sheer charisma, it was not a sight I expected to see. I'd always thought we were alike; when I transferred to your school after getting expelled from mine for reasons you already know, I was eager to seek out the top dog of this new territory and see if I could dominate you. But when I saw you like that—knees to your chest as you sat on the dusty floor, head buried in your arms, I didn't know what to think or feel, except that I really, really wanted to hold you.

          You cornered me the next day threatening to get me expelled a second time if I ever spoke a word of what I saw to anyone. I struck a deal saying that if I stuck to you all the time, I wouldn't have the chance to spread the news, and you let yourself agree. I'd like to think it was because you were curious about me too; you wouldn't have bothered otherwise. 

          And stuck to you I did. It felt like I'd known you my entire life; I got to hold you in my arms as you cried, but it wasn't as beautiful as I imagined it to be. If I felt that much pain, I can only wonder just how tormented you must have been. You would often randomly disappear for a few days at a time, and each time you came back to me, you always looked a little less than what you were before. Like someone or something had been sucking out bits of your soul. Then I learnt that you had issues—issues that I couldn't understand but accepted nonetheless, because I knew that what you needed most was assurance. 

          The last time I saw you was when we took a trip to a rusty old pier hours away from the city we called home. On that day you looked like you had your head in the clouds, but I hadn't thought much of it because you always had that vibe of uncertainty and instability, like you trod through life on a tightrope. That day was the most I'd seen you smile—it was the best smile you've ever given. Was it for my sake? Had you already planned to cut me off after that day, and that was just you giving me one last fond memory to remember you by?

          Because I fell for it. I was so happy to see you happy that I lost control of the words lolling about on my tongue every time I was around you. I love you. That one confession threw our world off its axis—I'd never regretted saying something as much as that, because it was what took you away from me. You tried all sorts of ways to convince me that it was not love, that it was pity, fascination, whims of an eighteen year old kid who hadn't known any better, who had no idea exactly what they were getting themself into.

          But I've never been so sure of something in my life before. I did not care one bit if I had to be dragged through the dirt in order to be with you, I would not complain if I had to spend more hours soothing your cries and reminding you that your monsters are only as powerful as you let them be than kissing your lips. To me, that was love. And I was overflowing with it. 

          In your own ways, I was certain you loved me too, because you wanted nothing but the best for me, that the last thing on your mind was to see me sacrifice, even if I was already prepared to. This is not the life where we fall in love, you said, this is the life we fall out of it. And there was no other way you'd rather have it be.

          You could not love me, not in this lifetime, and I was okay with that. I could do the loving. 

          But then you dropped off the face of the Earth; I thought I’d gotten used to your disappearing acts, but this time, it was for good. Every known way of contacting you met dead ends, anyone who could possibly know where you were (which unfortunately wasn't a lot) had avoided me like plague, and a new family had moved into your apartment. So now I can only hope that, by some miracle of higher powers, this letter gets to you. And if you are reading this, please know that even if you think otherwise of the entire world, you must never doubt that I love you.

[taekwonduh]

First Love Commemoration: Timeless [Seokjin]

Summary: First loves are hardly ever beautiful, at least, not the way I remember it. It makes me think how much of a miracle being in love is. I don’t know what that feels like anymore, not after you. You were my first, and so much more.

Characters: Anyone with a first love, bts centric.

Tags: mild angst, sliceoflife

Seokjin | Yoongi | Hoseok | Namjoon | Jimin | Taehyung | Jungkook | Afterthoughts

People only call someone their “first love” when they’ve had a second, in that light, I don’t think calling you my first love would be appropriate—you were more like my only love, but a first nonetheless.

Words: 774

          Everyone told us we were perfect for each other. A match made in heaven. An inseparable pair. I guess along the way, with so many people feeding us this notion, we began to believe it. I knew you since you were seven years old, with mud-stained clothes and the brightest smile I’ve ever seen on a child whose parents couldn’t afford them ice cream. I declared then that you were the strongest person I’ve met, a decade and a half later, that belief still stands.

          Remember the summer you turned nine? We chanced upon a very peculiar tree at the park. It wasn’t until an old man selling balloons told us that it was actually two trees grown into one that we went home and learned about inosculation. You read aloud to me that it was common for branches of two trees of the same species to grow together, getting closer and closer until they touch, the point of contact getting abraded as the trees move along with harsh winds. I recognized those trees to be like us.

          Whatever setbacks thrown our way only served to bring us closer together. We were an invincible duo with a solid future ahead of us. You would go on to do the thing you liked with pottery, and I would make jokes about just being your model. It turned out you didn’t like that joke; it’s not funny, you said over a glass of wine one evening, when will you grow up? How long do you intend to live in your little house of cards?

          That was the night that set everything off; you became a ticking time bomb and I guess my biggest mistake with you was not taking that argument seriously enough. It took you a life-shattering explosion for me to come to my senses, but by the time the fire was put out and the dust had settled, you were already packing your bags. We've had many obstacles to our relationship, but I think the reason why this particular one broke us is because you were fighting against me instead of with me.

          You were growing at a pace too fast for me. I never noticed until then but I had been breathless trying to catch up with you. So when our intricate tangle of branches was ripped apart, you took bits of me, and I of you. We are still growing side by side, but we know now how painful it is to be so woven into another person's life only to be forcefully taken apart that we never dare go near each other anymore. I think that is the hardest part about our end—that you are right beside me and I have not the will nor courage to reach out to you.

          The initial days of being my own tree were spent in confused agony; I did not know how to live without you, but you couldn’t fault me, could you? We didn’t spend fifteen years of our lives joined by the hips for nothing. But then at some point I realised that the pain became less about losing you and more about losing what we had, and what we could've come to have. I could not come to terms that the person responsible for all of my childhood memories was now walking on a path parallel to mine—or perhaps we had only been tangent lines all along.

          If people had not convinced us of how much we were meant for each other, do you think our separation would have been less painful? Do you think we would even have lasted as long as we did? I guess we can only wonder. But when I think about not having the chance to meet you, to hold your hand for the first time, to being the only one to successfully peel off all your layers, I become grateful for what we've had. It was the beginning of acceptance—that it doesn't matter if I've 'lost you', because what I feel for you is timeless, it will remain unchanging even as people come and go and our hair has turned white. 

          That is why I think I’ll be okay.

          People only call someone their “first love” when they have a second; in that light, I don’t think calling you my first love would be appropriate—you were more like my only love, but a first nonetheless. I knew no one else but you; we were two trees grown into one, remember? So when the day comes that I meet someone new, only then will I call you my first, my everlasting love.

[taekwonduh]

First Love Commemoration

Hello world! This is my first post as a fic writer on tumblr. I thought long and hard about what to deliver as my first piece, which is essentially my “debut” to the bts ficdom on tumblr, and decided to do a short drabble for each member as part of a first love series. To kick off the first part of the series, here’s Yoongi! Please enjoy, and if you do enjoy, spread the word. ;^)

Summary: First loves are hardly ever beautiful, at least, not the way I remember it. It makes me think how much of a miracle being in love is. I don’t know what that feels like anymore, not after you. You were my first, and so much more.

Characters: Anyone with a first love, bts centric.

Tags: mild angst, sliceoflife

Seokjin | Yoongi | Hoseok | Namjoon | Jimin | Taehyung | Jungkook