#let this motherfucker be crazy like he is instead of making him a little abused baby that needs jason todd to rescue him

[onnahu]

Tim Drake is sad, hurt and needs a hug-

NO HE DOESN'T. He's a crazy motherfucker that would rather kill you and then himself than get a hug! That bitch does the most unhinged shit because even if someone stopped him it wouldn't work because he's a goddamn madman!

Fanon Tim Drake begone!

Btw I mean in the 'I'm looking for good Jason Todd ff' way. Sometimes Tim do need a hug. But like. Almost never when fanon makes it a thing.

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 291: The Endeavor Pamphlet

Previously on BnHA: Dabi showed up atop Gigantomachia’s back and was all “you’ll never guess who I really am!” and the readers humored him and were all “who?” and he was all “TODOROKI TOUYA” and we were all “WOW └(・。・)┘ OH MY GOSH I WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED”, except for Shouto and Enji who were GENUINELY SHOCKED. Anyway so Touya was all “and guess what I’m doing right now!” and before anyone could even try, he was all, “STREAMING MY EMMY-NOMINATED MINISERIES ‘HELLO, I’M EVIL BUT ALSO TRAGIC AND SEXY, NOW LET ME TELL YOU ALL ABOUT MY DAD WHO SUCKS’’, THAT’S WHAT.” And everyone was all “oh my god” and Touya was all “ヽ(⌐■_■)ノ♪” for basically the rest of the chapter, and that’s pretty much it! Oh, wait, except for the part where he also doused himself in bleach in a fit of pure theatrics, which is actually pretty much the main takeaway from the entire chapter really because it was just wild af. ANYWAYS.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi introduces Baby Touya, the world’s most enchantingly sweet character, and is immediately all, “I sure can’t wait to tell you guys all about how his fucking jaw burnt off.” Thankfully he doesn’t (YET), and we cut back to the present pretty quickly, where Dabi explains how he took all of his brain cells that should have been used to stop him from pouring bleach over his head, and instead put them all toward his big brain plot of releasing an elaborate video detailing Endeavor’s various abuses and crimes, and even throwing Hawks under the bus as well because WHY NOT. He then leaps off of Gigantomachia’s back (like I said, no brain cells) all set to blast them with a Prominence Burn, only to be stopped by none other than THE LEGEND HIMSELF, MOTHERFUCKING BEST, PRETTIEST, NICEST, MOST OUTSTANDING MOTHERFUCKING JEANIST. Who’s no doubt outraged by the crime against hair he witnessed only moments earlier. GO GETTIM JEANY BOI.

so I haven’t had time to answer any of them because this has been the stupidest week, but I just wanted to tell you guys that I received no fewer than nine asks about Dabi’s hair. which, in a week filled with election memes and tumblr’s most cursed fandom briefly rising back up from the dead, is a pretty impressive feat for him if you ask me. like, I know I was making fun of it basically nonstop, but it sure did generate a lot of discussion so maybe I should rethink my opinions on Dabi’s PR strategies now, idk

anyway. it’s Saturday. time to catch up on this shit. let’s see how fucked the Todorokis are

OH NO HE’S CUTE

HOLY SHIT THIS IS TOO MUCH TO FUCKING PROCESS. I’M JUST TRYING TO ENJOY MY DAY HORIKOSHI, ARE YOU REALLY GOING TO TRAUMATIZE THIS POOR CHILD RIGHT IN FRONT OF MY SALAD

“thanks for being all right” the fuck

who allowed this child to be so cute. I’m serious. who signed off on this

how could a child this adorable possibly want to murder his equally adorable baby brother. please, your honor. there must be some mistake here

guess how prepared I am to read all about Touya’s tragic past. mm. that’s right. zero ready. none ready

anyway. TWO THOUSAND DEGREES LOLOLOL. NO TRACE OF A CORPSE HOW CONVENIENT. A PIECE OF HIS LOWER JAW BONE FFFFMSGHKLSh. LOVELY. LOVELY

LMAOOOOO

listen you guys. I just want to take a moment to appreciate that Horikoshi Kouhei did one of two things here. either (1) he planned it out FROM THE VERY START that Touya would be born with red hair Because Fire Powers, but would then have his hair turn white due to trauma, thus making the Dabi/Touya connection very slightly less obvious, although Let’s Be Real Who Are We Kidding. OR, (2) the anime got it wrong and gave him red hair, and rather than allowing this plot hole to continue to exist, Horikoshi took it upon himself to concoct this elaborate storyline and pretend it was never a plot hole at all! in which case I sure hope someone at Bones is sending him a VERY nice Christmas card this year. got this man sweeping up all your messes for you. you’re just lucky he has some sort of wild compulsion to address these things

anyways!!

FATHER AND SON. how sweet. :| still zero percent ready for any of this btw

STOP BEING CUTE

THIS IS RIDICULOUS. I’M SO MAD RIGHT NOW. HE IS THE SINGLE CUTEST CHARACTER IN THE ENTIRE SERIES, and do you even know how many other baby characters I’m betraying in order to say that?! baby Kacchan, baby Deku, baby Ochako, baby Shouto, Eri, baby Hawks. I’M LOOKING YOU DEAD IN THE EYE RIGHT NOW AND TELLING YOU THAT BABY TOUYA IS CUTER THAN ALL OF THOSE PLEBS. AND YOU’RE LOOKING BACK AT ME RIGHT NOW ALL “YEAH IT SURE IS A PITY ABOUT HIS JAW MELTING OFF THOUGH.” THAT’S IT, I QUIT THE SERIES

and Enji’s smiling at him. he’s so proud of him. but then Touya won’t be able to do it, and Enji’s gonna stop training him, and Touya’s gonna feel like a failure and keep pushing himself in order to try and win his dad’s affections back, because that’s all kids fucking want, all they want is just love, that’s fucking it, you couldn’t just give him that?? and then he’s gonna immolate himself fflkdlskfh THERE YOU SEE HORIKOSHI, I KNOW THE WHOLE STORY ALREADY, YOU DON’T HAVE TO DO THE WHOLE “SHOW THEM THE DEAD DOG” THING YET AGAIN YOU PIECE OF SHIT

OH SNAP THERE GOES THE TWIN THEORY. R.I.P.

BABY FUYUMI. PRETTY CUTE. NOT AS CUTE AS TOUYA THOUGH. HEY LOOK, NO REASON TO GET MAD AT ME I’M JUST STATING A FACT HERE

YEAH THIS IS GONNA GO REAL WELL OH BOY

I keep pressing the emergency stop button but this industrial tragedy machine just keeps on chugging along anyway, I’m pretty sure this thing is not up to code

:| I am so sorry sweet boy, Horikoshi is only getting started with you

FUCKING HELL WITH THIS NARRATION

but he wasn’t actually a child to you, he was just a little puppet child for you to live vicariously through!! and then you went and did the same fucking thing with Shouto afterwards and never learned your lesson until just six months ago!! fucking hell, Enji

so now he’s all “Touya is dead, that’s an unforgivable lie” fflkdhflk motherfucker does he look dead to you. if you really think that, tumblr and twitter have got a little over five years’ worth of archived theory posts to show you

oh shit Touya’s countering with “it’s an unforgivable truth”, which, damn. I actually think Horikoshi’s dialogue is one of his weaker points as a writer a lot of the time, but that comeback was snappy as fuck

actually guys, now that I’ve seen how ridiculously fucking cute baby!Touya was, I can almost understand why Shouto and Enji never put the pieces together before lol. any passing similarities would have easily been dismissed on account of he’d need to be at least 10x more adorable in order to get the full resemblance

OH MY GOD

NOW YOU SLEEP??? SO YOU POINT BLANK REFUSED TO PASS OUT WHILE YOU WERE BUSY MAIMING ALL OF MY FAVORITE CHARACTERS, BUT NOW THAT THERE’S AN OPPORTUNITY TO SEE YOUR REACTION TO THE “YOUR LIEUTENANT WAS SECRETLY RELATED TO ONE OF YOUR WORST ENEMIES THE WHOLE TIME” BOMBSHELL, YOU FINALLY DECIDE TO GET YOUR FORTY WINKS. I SEE

WOW DABI

I’M SURPRISED YOU DIDN’T ALREADY HAVE YOUR ANCESTRY.COM RESULTS PRINTOUT READY TO FOLD INTO A PAPER AIRPLANE AND ZOOM ON DOWN TO HIM

LOL NEVERMIND

gotta say, so far The Endeavor Pamphlet is just about as spicy as I could have hoped

(ETA: Natsuo’s face as he watches his beloved dead brother come back to life only to literally and metaphorically set everything on fire in one fell swoop is :/. why must you do this to me Natsu. can’t you see I’m trying to throw a Welcome Back Jeanist party here.)

HAVE YOU READ THIS?! TODOROKI ENJI ABUSED HIS OWN HEIR, AND DABI WROTE IT DOWN RIGHT THERE

WELL HE’S NEVER GON’ BE NUMBER ONE NOW / NEVER GON’ BE NUMBER ONE NOW / THAT’S ONE LESS THING TO WORRY ABOUT / THAT’S ONE LESS THING TO WORRY ABOUT

btw I neglected to mention this last week, but yes I do recognize and appreciate that this is Can’t Ya See-kun himself whom Horikoshi has chosen to be the face of this existential crisis which the general public is about to experience. rip CYS-kun

OOF

excuse me. putting aside the implications of Dabi sharing this context-less murder video of Hawks with the entire world for a moment, I just have to pause for a sec here, because when exactly did he get a chance to edit this all in?? complete with voiceover that seamlessly ties in with the prerecorded footage of him with DNA test results sans shirt?? you’re telling me this motherfucker, with all the smoke that was in the room thanks to his own quirk, somehow got a PERFECT SHOT of the PRECISE MOMENT when Hawks drove his feather knife into Jin’s back, using his MAGIC CAMERA THAT HE I GUESS HAD THE ENTIRE TIME IN THE POUCH RIGHT NEXT TO HIS BLEACH BOTTLE, and then immediately somehow got this very next shot as well FROM AN ENTIRELY DIFFERENT ANGLE

ALL THE WHILE IMMEDIATELY RUNNING THROUGH SCRIPT REVISIONS IN HIS HEAD, WHICH HE THEN PROCEEDED TO RECORD... WHERE, EXACTLY?? WITH SKEPTIC, WHILST RIDING ON MACHIA’S BACK??

AND THIS IS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR YOURSELF???

and this after I just wrote that whole long paragraph positively GLOWING about this man’s ability to plug up a plot hole. jfc. just scratch out every damn word I said lol. just forget all of it

are you fucking kidding me, the footage was from the cameras Skeptic planted on Hawks??

that’s... actually... okay you know what, it still doesn’t make any sense in the slightest, but the determination to address it nonetheless... just, dammit... I feel like I’m constantly at war with myself over whether or not I want to shake this man’s hand or slap him lmao. whatever, then!!

anyway, since Shouto and Enji can’t actually see the damage that Touya is dealing to the hero industry even as they speak, Touya is taking it upon himself to give them the highlights

I think it’s a testament to how much Endeavor cares about Hawks that he managed to zero in on that comment even amidst all the craziness of his eldest son returning from the dead to announce how he’s been carefully plotting their destruction for years and years. like, he heard “Hawks” and his face immediately went like that. you think he’s worried that Dabi did something to him? because he’d be right to worry lol

so the Endeavor Pamphlet narration is now explaining all about how Hawks totally killed the Number 3 Hero Best Jeanist as well! yep... he sure did... totally...

OH MY GOD WE’RE CUTTING TO HIM AHHHHH

Hawks, that is. lol. not Jeanist. NO, JUST MY POOR HALF-DEAD WINGLESS BABY SON

NOOOOO HIS LITTLE WING STUMPS. BUT SOMEHOW HIS FACIAL HAIR IS STILL INTACT. OH TO BE AN ANIME PRETTY BOY BEING SET ON FIRE. “HEY, TAKE IT EASY, WATCH THE FACE”

EXCUSE ME WHAT

interesting! we suspected as much, I think, with the clues that Ending dropped, and the little flashback right after the name reveal. still not clear how Dabi found out about it though!

looooool okay here we go, breaking out the heavy-handed holier-than-thou shit now

you know, I do find it interesting how trying to model themselves after All Might’s noble Symbol of Peace image has kind of ended up being the heroes’ undoing here. like, I could write a whole essay on this, but what it basically boils down to is that they were all trying too hard to be perfect. All Might went out there and did his thing and was amazing, and so the powers-that-be built an entire system centered around this seemingly-infallible person, and they acted like the system was infallible as well. and so most of the population ended up becoming complacent over the years, and meanwhile the people who were unfortunate enough to fall through the cracks understandably wound up disillusioned and perceiving the heroes as these false idols

anyway, but I think one positive takeaway from this is that the new up-and-coming generation of heroes represent a breakaway from that system. like, imo what we’re witnessing is the downfall of the Perfect Hero, and the rise of the imperfect hero. and this new generation doesn’t shy away from their failures or pretend like they never happened. they pretty much can’t pretend, because their failures are all right out there in the open for everyone to see. Bakugou Katsuki, just to name one example off the top of my very biased head, has had his own personal character journey basically play out right in front of the media’s eyes. his humiliation at the sports festival, his kidnapping by the League, and all of the fallout afterward. this isn’t someone who can ever go out there and convince the world that he’s perfect. but what he can do, instead, is show the world that he’s trying. that he’s trying with everything he has to do his best, to be the best. rather than this untouchable godlike image, it’s instead the image of someone painfully human who is nonetheless striving with everything he’s got to keep moving forward, flaws and all, and work his way to the top

and ultimately I think that’s going to be a much more positive image to send out to the world when all’s said and done. because rather than merely inspiring awe, heroes like that inspire people to take action themselves. or at least that’s what I hope! and not just Bakugou, but the others as well. we’ve got Shouto, whose own personal trauma is being aired in front of the whole nation even as I sit here ranting. we’ve got Deku, who cries at the drop of a hat, and who fought to become a hero despite being quirkless (and I think it’s only a matter of time before that eventually becomes public knowledge as well). tl;dr because I’m getting way too long-winded here, but these kids have effectively been humanized in a way that the old generation never was, and I think that’ll go a long way towards building trust between them and the people they’ll someday be protecting, and inspiring the next generation in hopefully a much healthier way

anyway so where were we. ...oh yes, Dabi was explaining that heroes only protect themselves, and is presumably building up to his grand conclusion of “therefore you should all just let the villains take over and burn down the world”

omfg. YOU GUYS

DOES CAN’T YA SEE-KUN’S SHARK FRIEND ACTUALLY CALL HIM “CAN’T YA SEE-KUN.” HE HAS A NAME YOU KNOW!! UNLESS HE LEGALLY GOT HIS NAME CHANGED TO CAN’T YA SEE-KUN. OH MY GOD

ALSO, IS THAT CAN’T YA SEE-KUN CRYING IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT THERE OMG. GIVE THIS CHILD A HUG. EVERYONE STOP WHAT YOU’RE DOING RIGHT NOW AND HUG HIM

BAKUGOU IS BARELY HANGING ON THERE LOL. GOTTA STAY CONSCIOUS... SO MUCH TEA BEING SPILLED... FOCUS... CONCENTRATE

IIDA’S ANGLING HIS HEAD IN A WEIRD WAY, LIKE DUDE. LOOKING SUSPICIOUSLY SNUGGLY THERE. MMM THESE IIDABAKU CRUMBS

HADOU IS ALL “WHAT EVEN IS ACTUALLY GOING ON” LMAO

LASTLY, POOR SHOUTO OMFG. WHEN YOU’RE ALL FINISHED HUGGING CYS-KUN THIS CHILD NEEDS YOUR ATTENTION!!

so now Dabi’s leaping off of this ninety-foot-tall gargoyle man like that’s a normal, smart thing to do. unless he can fly too now? saw his dad doing it back at Fukuoka and was all “hmm”

OH MY GOD SOMEONE TELL ME RIGHT NOW WHAT WORD SHOUTO IS USING TO ADDRESS ENJI, THESE TRANSLATIONS LOVE TO MESS WITH MY HEAD

ENJI GET MOVING DO YOU NOT SEE THOSE TEARS!!! SNAP OUT OF IT YOU BIG TREE

AHHHHH

OH KACCHAN YOU WOKE UP A LITTLE MORE THERE, HUH

lol he and Deku both look so determined but they’re basically sitting ducks. their “oh shit” faces do look remarkably like their “TIME TO SWING INTO ACTION” faces but don’t be fooled, they have one good arm and about six pints of blood left between the two of them. looks like this one’s all on you Shouto

-- AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH --

BAH GOD... WHAT’S GOING ON HERE... THAT’S BEST JEANIST’S MUSIC

y’all. can’t even talk right now, my brain has completely shut down lol. just. ...

  °˖✧◝(￣▿￣)◜✧˖°

[derivativealigner]

Well I haven’t watched sp all the way through for about a decade now, so I thought it was time

Sometimes I wonder how accurate the fandom is when it comes to how we interpret the characters. Like, why is Stan a football star so often in fanfic and why’s Kyle always the smart one? So I thought I’d rewatch the show and make notes along the way to see where the source of all these interpretations is. I also wanted to see if I could get some fun info to analyze, but season 1 is pretty sparse in that regard so there’s not too much of that in this post, but I’ll make a post for all the other seasons too as I watch them

In summary, it’s established in season 1 already that Stan’s a star quarterback and an animal lover, Kyle’s an A+ student, and Kenny is poor and knows a lot about sex and doesn’t have many qualms about doing crazy shit. Cartman is a bit weird since he’s mostly just a naive brat in this season, but he and Kyle have a mildly antagonistic friendship already

I have all my notes under this cut. They include a bunch of small details and other observations. I also listed every Kenny death just because

Ike has freckles

Cartman says “Weak!” and “You guys” and “Seriously” a lot from the start, also “Kickass!” He doesn’t say weak or kickass much in the later seasons iirc

Stan says “Dude, this is pretty fucked up right here” three times in this season but they dropped that catchphrase pretty quickly

Bebe got named in episode 2

Stan’s been an animal lover since s01e03 Volcano since he won’t shoot a bunny or anything else. He does shoot Scuzzlebutt at the end though

Cartman’s a pathological liar but in a childish way

Randy got named in s01e03 Volcano (and it only got worse from there)

The mayor went to Princeton

South Park is next to Mt. Evanson

Kenny will literally drink gasoline

Stan’s a star quarterback in 3rd grade

Clyde’s voice is wrong as hell in S01E04 Big Gay Al’s Big Gay Boat Ride and he has a dog, Rex

Garrison says Kyle is an A+ kid

Shelly seriously abuses Stan, punching him, throwing him, maiming him with a lawnmower

Cartman had a pot-bellied pig called Fluffy

Cartman’s mom smokes crack and has sex with strange men

Dr. Mephesto is probably a Buddhist since he says “Thank Buddha” instead of “Thank God”

Clyde’s voice gets kind of fixed in S01E06

A guy called Mr. McCormick is killed in a protest, launched and splattered against a network building. He doesn’t look like Kenny’s dad though

Zombie Clyde attacks Bebe, rude

Wendy gave her costume contest prize (2 tons of candy) to hungry children in Nairobi

Cartman’s mom is on the cover of Crack Whore magazine. “Back do’ ho… Five on one action!” is the headline

Cartman genuinely cries at Kenny’s grave after the whole zombie thing but gets over it because of candy

Stan knows his mom’s credit card number and has no problem using it to adopt an Ethiopian child (the boys wanted a watch that came with the adoption, they weren’t doing it to be nice)

Cartman calls Stan a vas deference, Stan doesn’t know what that is so Kenny says “Dude, it’s a pipe for your peepee” (according to a transcript). Kenny sure knows male anatomy

Kyle sniffs Kenny after Cartman asks why poor people smell like sour milk and Garrison says “idk eric they just do”

Cartman thinks poor people should die and decrease the surplus population

When the boys get Starvin’ Marvin delivered to them, Cartman says “Hey mom, we found an Ethiopian, can we keep him?” and his mom says “Sure, hun.” She rarely says no to Cartman

Kenny’s dad is an alcoholic who drinks scotch according to Cartman. I mean, Mr. McCormick is seen drinking in multiple episodes and has a hat that says SCOTCH so it’s probably true

Kenny’s family says grace

Craig’s first appearance is S01E09. Also, S01E09 is the first time Kenny doesn’t die (Coincidence? I THINK yeah but it’s still fun)

Clyde got named in S01E10

Clyde and Bebe both spit on Pip’s face, friendship goals <3

Cartman and Kyle have their first fight at Cartman’s birthday party because Kyle didn’t give the right gift. Cartman slaps his face and  screams “I hate you! I want you to die! Die!” while on top of Kyle who’s not really fighting back

Satan throws a fight with Jesus after everyone except Satan bet that Jesus would lose, which leads to Satan winning everyone’s money. Mr. Garrison says “What a mean thing to do!” and Jimbo says “He is a jerk!” and I thought it was quite a laugh so I wrote it down

In S01E11 Tom’s Rhinoplasty Bebe and Wendy are sitting in the swings together and generally appear together throughout the episode, then Bebe gives Wendy a makeover so they’re bffs obviously <3

Craig first appears in the classroom, though not sitting down, in S01E11

Wendy’s not happy about Ms. Ellen taking Stan away from her, she says “Don’t fuck with me! Stay away from my man, bitch, or I’ll whoop your sorry ho ass back to last year!”

Kenny gives Ms. Ellen a scrumptious looking sausage as a valentine’s gift and giggles deviously. Wendy’s gift to Ms. Ellen is a dead animal

Even Kenny doesn’t know what a lesbian is

Wendy’s grandma died in S01E11

Wendy gets Ms. Ellen killed by hiring the Iraqi government (?) to put her in a rocket and shoot it into the sun, then she and Bebe have a pool party (very cool, they wear sunglasses 😎) and watch the rocket hit the sun

Cartman and Pip play a game of kicking each other in the nuts until someone falls. Cartman calls it “Roshambo”

Kenny has a sack of marbles

The boys aren’t fans of Barbra Streisand, but Stan is a fan of the Denver Broncos quarterback John Elway (he’s not a quarterback anymore, he’s an American football executive and the president of football operations for the Denver Broncos of the NFL according to wikipedia.)

Officer Barbrady is a fan of Fiona Apple (who was 20 at the time and had only one album released called Tidal)

Ned knows how to pilot a helicopter

Kyle’s mom is a fan of Streisand unlike literally everyone else, she even gets an autograph from Mecha Streisand

The boys are fans of Robert Smith, the lead singer of The Cure. Stan says “Robert Smith is the greatest person that ever lived!” and Kyle says “Disintegration is the best album ever!” and Cartman says “Robert Smith kicks ass!” and Kenny’s dead so he doesn’t get to have an opinion

Cartman has tea parties with his toys: Polly Prissypants, Clyde frog, Peter Panda, and a dragon called Rumpertumskin

Kyle wants to make fun of Cartman for the tea party but Stan stops him because he’s concerned that Cartman needs help

Craig is in front of the school counselor’s office in S01E13

A young miss Cartman drinks like a motherfucker at the 12th annual drunken barn dance where Cartman was supposedly conceived

Stan lets Cartman borrow his bike like a good friend

Garrison wanted to have a threesome with Chef and Cartman’s mom. I don’t know why I’m making a note of this but uh… yeah.

Cartman’s mom has had sex with everyone at this bar that Garrison’s drinking at, including principle Victoria, the mayor, Father Maxi, and Jesus (and maybe Kenny’s dad since he’s at the bar but the camera doesn’t pan to him when Garrison says they’ve all slept with Liane). Later Gerald Broflovski is a possible father to Eric, so he fucked her too. Also Mr. Mephesto and his friend Kevin, that little guy, are candidates along with a lot of other people, including the 1989 Denver Broncos (and Mr. Tenorman is included in that later)

Cartman doesn’t make fun of Kyle for being Jewish much at all in this season even though the Christmas episode is all about Kyle not celebrating

Clyde and Token appear very early on and Clyde has always been in the classroom (along with Bebe, Red, Kevin Stoley, Wendy, and Pip and uhh DogPoo too I think). Craig appears later in the season and Tweek’s not in season 1 at all, so Craig’s gang isn’t really a thing yet

And here’s a list of the ways Kenny died in this season. He dies in every episode except episode 9, and he dies twice in episodes 2 and 3. Altogether he dies 14 times

S01E01 Killed after alien shoots him, cows stampede over him, then cop runs him over which finally actually kills him

S01E02 Killed in a play by a falling teepee, then a second time shot by Garrison which sends him in the air and he gets impaled on a flagpole on the way down

S01E03 Killed by a volcano rock that burns him then rolls on him but he’s alive again in the end but gets shot by Ned’s gun that he drops and it accidentally goes off

S01E04 Gets his arms and head torn off in an American football game

S01E05 Stan’s clone punches Kenny into a microwave where he gets cooked alive

S01E06 Death touches Kenny

S01E07 Kenny gets crushed by a Russian space station and turns into a zombie because he gets Worcestershire sauce in his veins, then Kyle chainsaws zombie Kenny in half, then zombie Kenny rises from his grave and is crushed by a statue and a plane

S01E08 Kenny is killed by a bunch of turkeys. His eye gets plucked out. It’s dark blue

S01E10 After Kenny gets turned into a duck-billed platypus, Jimbo and Ned shoot him

S01E11 Ms. Ellen throws a sword through Kenny’s face

S01E12 While Mecha Streisand and a giant robot Leonard Maltin fight, Kenny plays with a tetherball and gets the rope wrapped around his neck and it strangles him

S01E13 Kenny gets stuck on a go kart and it drags him around but stops and he’s still alive! Too bad the go kart stops on train tracks and a train runs him over. Stan’s grandpa sends a video of the event to America’s Stupidest Home Videos and wins $10,000

If you read all that, first of all hello. I’m not new to the fandom even though this is the first thing I’ve posted on this tumblr blog. I’ve been writing a fanfic called Caffetamine though so I’m not a complete non-entity. Anyway, I’ll watch season 2 soon and post my notes on that too probably.

[littleoddwriter]

Hello! I have three things to tell you: 1) You're the best and I'm happy to know you! 2) I wonder when did you start writing on Tumblr 3) I would like to request you a story with Zsaszmask and their son Andrew when they are not very happy to discover that their "little boy" hangs out with Harley. Humor and fluff would be nice! Thnks in advance and have a nice day!

Sacrifices | Roman Sionis x Victor Zsasz | ZsaszMask | KidFic

1) Thank you so much, I’m happy to know you as well! <3 2) Actually, I only started last year in early November! After having taken a break from writing altogether for 4 years, I got back into it with ZsaszMask fics and then thought to write Reader ones as well and post them here, and here we are now. :D

3) This is probably not very humorous, but I hope you like it anyway! Thanks so much for the request, it was quite the delight. :) <3

summary; see above.

notes; TW // Mention of/Implied Past Child Abuse; Misogyny (this is written in Roman’s POV, so- you know) and Ableist Language. Domestic Fluff; Kid Fic; Painting Nails; Group Hug; a tiny bit of angst, I guess? Also, this plays before BoP, so Harley is still with the Joker and Andy is 15 here instead of 17 like in the last fic!

Roman and Victor had been out attending business most of their late afternoon. It hasn’t taken as long as they had anticipated, though, as Sionis has reached a compromise and secured a deal with his business partner relatively soon.

Apparently, Andrew – their fifteen-year-old son – hadn’t expected them to be home so early, either.

When the two men had entered the loft, they could already hear this really obnoxious voice and accent. Harley fucking Quinn.

What the fuck was the Joker’s little princess doing here?

Roman glared at his partner, who just shrugged, frowning as well.

“Fix me a Martini. I’ll go take a look at what the fuck is going on here. ‘Kay?” Sionis said and headed towards his son’s room, not waiting for an answer from Zsasz.

Stopping at Andrew’s room’s doorway, Roman took in the atrocious scene that was happening right in front of him.

Harley was painting Andrew’s nails.

Harley motherfucking Quinn was painting his son’s fucking fingernails.

Clearing his throat, Roman drew their attention to him. It should have been on him the moment he’s stopped to stand there, but they were too caught up talking and laughing with each other. It disgusted him. This was his son! He wasn’t supposed to tattle with the woman he hated most (right after his own mother anyway).

When Andrew noticed him, he jumped a little, probably surprised to see him.

How long have these two been friends without Roman even knowing it?

“Dad- Hey, uh-,” Andrew started, chuckling nervously.

“Oh! Hiya, Romy! You’re home already? Or did we lose track of time, Andy Baby?” Harley chirped so fucking sickeningly, that stupid bitch.

“We came home early. That’s not important, though. What’s important is what the fuck you are doing here?” Roman asked, fuming already, and took some steps towards the other two.

“Painting our nails, silly! What else does it look like? And here, Andy’s nails are so pretty now!” The crazy bitch said, shoving his son’s hands into Roman’s face, making him look.

Begrudgingly, Sionis had to admit that the glittery baby-blue nail polish fit his son really well, but he wasn’t going to say it out loud. Not when she was listening, too.

“That’s not what I meant, Ms. Quinn,” Roman sneered, “I want to know what you are doing here, in my apartment, with my son. How long has this been going on, hm?”

“A couple of months,” Andrew finally piped up, “I like Harley! She is fun to hang out with, dad.”

“Awww, Andy Baby, you’re fun to spend time with, too! See, Romy, it’s all fine! What’s the buzz about, anyway?”

Clenching his jaw, Roman forced himself to take a deep breath, trying so hard not to explode then and there. He wasn’t scared of Harley, but her stupid “Clown Prince” – boyfriend – wasn’t someone he necessarily wanted to be on the bad side of.

“It’s nothing. Still, I’d prefer it if you could leave, now, Ms. Quinn. I’d like to spend some private family time with my son and partner, ‘kay?” Roman hoped she’d catch on and leave without any big theatrics; he really wasn’t going to able to hold onto the last shred of his patience for much longer.

Harley made a sad little sound, playing it up big time, but then she nodded, grinning so stupidly. “Fine, I’ll leave! I’ll see you soon then, Andy?”

“Uh, yeah, sure. Bye, Harley. And thanks for the nails,” Andrew said, hugging the crazy bitch, before she got up, patted Roman on the cheek and left, skipping to the door.

Roman was glad that he was going to wash his face anyway. Now he had all the more reason to scrub it thoroughly, though.

Cautiously, Andrew got up from his bed, which he’s sat on with Harley the entire time. “Dad?” he asked quietly.

Before Roman could reply, Victor finally came back with his Martini. He downed it in one go, desperate for the liquor to numb some of the pain he felt.

“So, what exactly was that Harley-Bitch doing here?” Zsasz asked, ever so gracefully.

Roman looked at Andrew expectantly, “Why don’t you tell your father why she was here, hm?”

He knew he was being an asshole; he should give it a rest and just pretend as though none of this happened, but he just couldn’t. He felt betrayed by his own son, and he was just so fucking pissed because of Harley’s mere presence anyway.

“Uh, well, we’re friends. And she came over to paint my nails while you were gone. I didn’t expect you back so early. I’m sorry,” Andy explained, fidgeting with his hands nervously.

At the sight of his son being so nervous – scared, Roman’s heart clenched painfully. He knew what that was like. Worse even. He didn’t want to be like his own father. He should do better. He wanted to do better.

“Well, you know how much we don’t like having her here, Andrew. You shouldn’t have let her come to the apartment in the first place,” Victor responded calmly.

Roman was a bit in awe of his partner and how well he was handling this – so much better than he was.

“I know, I’m really sorry. I wasn’t thinking, I guess. Can I stay friends with her, though? Please?”

Sionis sighed, setting his Martini glass down on his son’s bedside table. “Come here,” he murmured, stretching his arms out in invitation, all anger gone and exchanged for a strange kind of sadness he’s not felt since Andy was still just a boy.

Andrew took some cautious steps towards him and when he was right in front of him, Roman wrapped his arms around his boy, who reciprocated the embrace immediately, resting his head sideways on his father’s chest.

“You too, Victor,” Roman then said and Zsasz immediately joined in, embracing them both tightly.

“So you’re not mad at me anymore?” Andy asked, his voice a little muffled by the hug.

“No, baby. I’m-,” Roman sighed heavily, the next words not coming out of him very easily, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you. My differences with Harley shouldn’t extend to you. If you want to be friends with her, so be it. But don’t meet with her here in the future, ‘kay?”

“Yeah, alright, that’s fair. Thanks, dad.” Momentarily, Andrew’s arms tightened around his waist, eliciting a genuine smile from Roman.

“Show your dad and me your nails, will you? I want to see them properly, now.”

They all let go of each other and Andrew lifted his hands, spread his fingers and let his dads inspect them.

“Looks good,” Victor commented, smiling crookedly.

“Agreed. As much as I hate her, she did a good job painting your nails. Not only that, but the colour looks incredible on you, my boy.”

Giggling, Andrew’s cheeks turned a light pink colour. “Thank you.”

“You’re welcome,” Roman replied softly, gently stroking his boy’s cheek with his knuckles.

While Roman would never be able to like Harley, he guessed that perhaps he should at least try to tolerate her some more. For Andrew. He wanted to do him right and that meant making some sacrifices, as he’s had to learn from the very beginning of adopting him. It would be okay, though, as long as Andrew never ended up hating his guts the way Roman did with his own father.

[hwangzi]

Movie Date (M)

gif credits: tbzes

[Warning: NSFW content]

It's been a while since Hyunjin took you out on a proper date, or any date in general - he's been so caught up with promotions that he barely got any time to come home, let alone time to spend with you.

Now that he finally had a few days off, you guys decided to go for a nice dinner and a movie afterwards.

You couldn't deny how much you missed his presence, acting clingier around him than usual, holding hands and admiring him whenever you could.

Your behaviour didn't go unnoticed by your boyfriend, though he didn't really mind - on the contrary, he welcomed it, having longed for some quality time with his beloved girlfriend himself.

So you found yourself sitting in the movie theatres, some romcom playing in front of you but you were unable to focus on the screen. Instead, your gaze kept wandering off to the boy next to you. Soft light from the movie screen illuminated his angelic face, making his naturally sharp features stand out even more. He looked incredibly handsome - and so incredibly hot.

The more time passed, the more squeamish you seemed to get in your polstered seat, snuggling up to his side, taking his hand that was placed on the armrest to play with his fingers.

To be straightforward, you haven't touched your boyfriend for too long and now the pent up sexual frustration made you really horny.

However, it seemed that Hyunjin was more focused on the film than on you. You pouted to yourself, placing your left hand on his thigh, kinda hoping he'd catch on without drawing too much attention from your seat neighbours. When no reaction was shown, you started running your palm up and down his upper leg, turning your focus back on the movie.

Little did you know, your lover was registering every little action of yours. Honestly, Hyunjin didn't even know what this movie was about, his focus was rather on containing himself than on its storyline.

Suddenly, you felt a hand on top of yours, stopping your movements with a soft but firm grip. Hot breath tickled your neck when he leaned in to whisper in you ear,

"If you keep this up, I'm gonna have to fuck you in the bathroom."

You flinched at the unexpected comment, cheeks flushing with embarrassment. Straightening your pose, you carefully checked left and right before looking straight into your boyfriend's dark, provocative eyes with your own nervous, but equally lustful ones.

"H-Hyunjin, I..." you murmured, your resolve melting away under his heated gaze.

"Oh your stomach's not feeling well, sweetheart? Let me take you to the toilet, then."

Without waiting for your response to his little act, he pulled you up with him and lead you out of the dark hall before you could utter another word.

The next thing you knew was your body pressed to the cold wall of a locked cabin inside the ladies' washing room and Hyunjin's body eagerly pushed against yours from behind.

"Couldn't keep you hands to yourself, huh? All over me in a movie theatre, now look what you've gotten yourself into."

He growled into your ear while his hands cupped your breast and you moaned out loud when he started fondling them through the thin fabric of your blouse.

Moving one of his hands upwards to silence you, Hyunjin started placing hot kisses against your neck.

"Quiet, baby. Unless you want them to catch us..." he breathed heavily, keeping his hands on your chest, kneading and feeling you through the silky cloth.

You internally thanked your decision to come to this small independent cinema today - they only had a single hall, meaning unless someone left in the middle of the movie, no one would be here.

Growing impatient, you started unbuttoning the top of your blouse yourself, giving him access to your naked, warm skin, which he greedily touched, roughly massaging the flesh and playing with your nipples. You had to place your hands on the wall in order to steady yourself, biting down on your lip as not to moan when you felt his growing erection press against your behind.

His teasing drove you insane and made you crave more, so you turned your head to voice your request.

"Please, Jinnie, don't tease-," he interrupted you with his mouth, plush lips capturing your own in a feverish kiss, tweaking your sensitive buds even more in the process, causing them to stiffen underneath his fingertips.

"That's the price you pay for feeling me up in public. We'll do this at my pace." He groaned into your mouth and pulled away, holding his index finger up to your lips.

"Now suck."

You did as you were told, taking his digit into you mouth and began licking and suckling around it. Hyunjin's breath hitched, your unconcealed need for him waking his most carnal desires.

Once satisfied with your performance, he removed his finger and started pulling up the hem of your bottoms.

"Thank god you're wearing a skirt today," he spoke, trailing his wet finger up slowly, "There's very little distance from here..." he lightly traced where the hem of your skirt met the exposed skin of your thighs,

"...to here."

You felt the tip of his pointer probe at your dripping entrance and before you knew it, he'd pushed all the way up into your heat.

You cried out in surprise, unable to hide your arousal any longer. Frankly, you didn't care because your boyfriend's skilled fingers were making you melt into the tiled floor.

"Shit," Hyunjin cursed under his breath,

"Already this wet and we’ve barely even started... You're enjoying this, aren't you?" You gasped when you felt a harsh sting on your butt, realising he had just spanked you.

"Secretly wanted me to screw you in this tiny cinema bathroom, huh? Answer me, baby." You whimpered again when his palm met your skin a second time, pleasure sparking through your body. You were blushing from his lewd words, yet unable to deny any of them.

"Y-yes, Sir."

"Good girl. Now turn around and take your panties off for me." You hurriedly followed his order, too turned on to defy him and wanting nothing more than to cut to the case.

"Won't need that for today," Hyunjin smirked and took the small piece of lace from you, shoving it in his back pocket. Before you were able to complain, he inserted two digits back into your heat. His other hand went back to abuse your breasts while he reconnected your lips, making you moan into his mouth.

His tongue played with yours while his fingers slipped in and out, leaving you light-headed, gripping his muscular shoulders to stabilise yourself.

You were panting by the time he leaned back to admire the view he had created.

Your breasts were spilling out of the partially unbuttoned blouse, lips red and swollen from his kisses, loose strands of hair framing your flushed face and half-lidded eyes gazing at him alluringly, anticipating his next move.

"Fuck..." Hyunjin groaned, the sight of you rendering him speechless. You were absolutely gorgeous, he thought to himself, he was one lucky motherfucker to call you his.

"Y/n... you have no idea how fucking sexy you look right now." he muttered, releasing his full lower lip he had been biting - one of his signature moves - you swallowed hard. Losing the last of his willpower to control himself, Hyunjin hastily unbuckled his belt, pulling down his jeans and shorts in one swift motion.

He chuckled when you gulped the moment your eyes landed on his lower half, licking your lips in anticipation, mirroring the same hunger he felt for you at that moment.

To take things even further, he grabbed his already painfully hard length and started stroking it in his hand, urging you to watch intently as precum collected on its tip. You couldn't look away. He was testing you on purpose.

"Tell me how much you need this, baby. Let me hear you say it." His soft, low voice resonated deep in your groin and you pulled him in for another passionate kiss.

"I can't wait anymore... p-please put it in-" you begged, and that did it for him.

Hyunjin turned you around swiftly, giving you no time to register before he bent you over and slid all the way inside you in one fluid motion, making both of you groan at the immense satisfaction. He started moving not long after that, setting a fast pace that made your head spin.

"This what you wanted? Me buried inside you while someone could walk in on us, like the thirsty little whore you are..." he spoke through gritted teeth, increasing speed so he hit all the right places.

"Yess...Hyunn-Jin-!" you couldn't stop yourself from crying his name loudly, not even bothering how desperate you might sounded.

"Fuck...So tight around me, so perfect..." He threw his head back at the sensation of you sucking him in every time he drove back into you. It’s been months since he last made love to you properly and the feeling of finally having you overwhelmed his senses. By now, anybody could have heard the skin slapping and restrained voices coming from the cabin.

"Please, d-don't stop," you pleaded, meeting his movements halfway and he groaned in response, slamming into you even harder and removing one hand from your hip to rub your clit in figure eights.

“Y/n...” the way Hyunjin softly moaned your name while kissing and biting the skin of your nape was driving you crazy - the knot in your stomach was tightening more and more with every harsh thrust from him, causing you to push against the cabin wall with a cry of pleasure.

"O-Oh my god...Hyunjin I'm-"

"That's it, baby," he encouraged you, getting closer to release himself as he felt your walls tighten around him.

"Go ahead, beautiful. Cum for me."

The moment his heavenly, husky voice verbalized those three words, you lost it. The waves of your orgasm hit you hard as you clenched and spasmed around his length. You had to slap a hand onto your mouth as not to scream. Witnessing you coming all over him also succeeded in pushing your boyfriend over the edge.

Hyunjin grabbed your hips, a string of profanities leaving his mouth when he reached an equally intense climax, filling you up with his release. He pushed into you a few more times, slowly riding out both of your highs. Despite being exhausted himself, he made sure to hold your body tightly, preventing your now wobbly knees from giving out. You struggled to catch your breath, barely managing to form a coherent sentence.

"Holy shit, that was-"

The click of a door handle cut you off, every muscle of your body froze in shock. If somebody was to see inside the cabin, you were absolutely doomed - two half naked bodies with your boyfriend's cock still buried inside you.

"Hello? Someone here?" You heard the voice of an elderly woman followed by a squeaky noise of rusty wheels and you looked back at your equally alert lover-

That must be the cleaning lady.

"U-Uhm yes, sorry, I'll be right out!" You cleared your throat, trying your best to hide the breathlessness in your voice, making Hyunjin supress a chuckle.

Once the noise of the cart wheels got more distant, you let out a breath you didn't know you were holding and Hyunjin removed himself from you.

"Well that was fun," he chuckled and you hit his arm playfully, finished buttoning up your blouse and left the cabin to wash your hands.

"That was the most nerve-wracking shit we've ever pulled," you retorted, fixing your hair in the mirror, letting out a small sigh upon discovering a blooming hickey on the side of your neck. Hyunjin followed, turning on the faucet beside you.

"Yeah, but also one of the best sex we've ever had. Come on, you fucking loved it."

"Also true," you shrugged, blushing a little.

"Now let's go back to the movies. We can always go for round two when we're back home." Hyunjin winked, a playful smirk tugging on the corner of his lips that turned into one of his adorable giggles when you splashed water at him.

Your date night was long from over.

[5lazarus]

A random prompt for you: "It was a dark and stormy night"

I was at the party ranting about catabasis narratives, wine glass in hand, and somebody walked up to me and handed me a pomegranate. “Fuck you,” I said. But it did its job. I put down the wine glass, or handed it vaguely to someone, and headed to the kitchen. There I began abusing the pomegranate, to make it give up its secrets. “Nature’s treasure box,” I said happily. “Leave me to die in hell.”

Someone stirred: a man, washing his hands at the kitchen sink. I blinked. I was too drunk and not drunk enough to make small talk. “You okay?” he asked. I presented the pomegranate. “Ah, catabasis,” he said understandingly. “I’ll leave you to it.” A rush of love for humanity swept me as he left. The friend hosting the party was a recovered classicist and repentant Maoist. They had the most interesting friends. I took a handful of pomegranate seeds and stuffed them in my mouth. The juice ran red and a few missed my mouth, but still I chewed. Tangy-sweet: like all of life, all emotion is wrapped up in a mouthful of flavor. I knew that this didn't quite make sense but I was pleased with the wave of sentiment that swept me. “Catabasis,” I said, and wiped at my eyes. I surveyed the bloody juice staining the counter. “Iphigenia,” I pronounced, and left. Someone handed me a wad of clean toilet paper as I stumbled through the hallway towards another room; it clung to my hands. “Bruh, you’re super fucked up,” a kindly stranger said. “Drink this.” They pulled me into a circle, where a fervent discussion over the rights and wrongs of 1921 was being hashed out. “Iphigenia,” I added helpfully. “A sacrifice knowingly met.” I drank the water and passed the blunt and settled happily into the scene. Three members of the cadre sat around me. The kindly stranger had the classic bisexual haircut and the classic bisexual septum piercing, but was otherwise remarkable. They were the only one close to sober, and kept an eye on their phone. The others were arguing. One wore a moustache and goatee similar to Comrade Trotsky, and was dressed in all black--black t-shirt, black jeans, black Nikes. I wanted to ask where the rest of black bloc was, but only mumbles came out, which was good because the joke probably wouldn’t have gone over well. The other wore a green cap with a red star and was chewing the end of the blunt. “Tell me one example of an actually existing socialist government led by Trotskyists,” Red Star said. “Come on. I’ll wait.” “The USSR would not have survived World War Two without Trotsky heading up the Red Army,” Comrade said instead. Even I was aware this did not actually answer Red Star’s question. “You can say that any existing socialist government exists due to his contribution to the USSR--and with no thanks to fucking Stalin.” “Yooooooo,” I intoned. I was ignored. The Kindly Bisexual handed me a bowl of popcorn. I took a fistful and began to lap the popcorn up. They shifted away from me slightly. I really needed to sober up. “That doesn’t make any sense,” Red Star said. “So Trotsky made some military contributions--sure. We can’t deny that.” “Some?” Comrade said incredulously. “He fought a war on five fronts!” He put his hand in front of Red Star’s face. Clearly I was not the only one who needed to sober up. “One: the White Army. Two: the--” “Don’t you ever get tired of relitigating twentieth century debates?” Red Star asked. “And get your hand out of my fucking face.” “Comrades!” the Kindly Bisexual hurriedly interrupted. “Look, it’s raining!” We all turned to the window, and I smiled. I loved the rain, especially when I was crossfaded. Indeed, not only was it raining--it was pouring, beginning with a low rumble and rising into a lash against the glass. Lightning cracked suddenly across the sky, flashing us blue. Red Star jumped. “A dark and stormy night,” I exclaimed happily. I clasped my hands together joyously, crunching kernels between my palms. “Who even are you?” Comrade said. “Good fucking question,” I said. “I’m not sure.” I looked at the Kindly Bisexual, who I decided was responsible for my welfare tonight, because clearly they were the voice of reason in this room. “Let me ask my handler.” “Yo, what?” Red Star said. I giggled. “Nice try, FBI.” I made finger guns at them, pushed myself up to my feet unsteadily, and wandered off to the living room. The Catabasis Man was sitting on the couch, eating pomegranate seeds out of a bowl. A group of anonymous leftists sat at his feet, facing the television. They were watching The L Word. I slid next to him. “Out of the earth?” I asked. “I have been reborn,” he agreed. “You good?” “I don’t know who I am,” I said. “But the rain is a good sign.” “Right,” he said. “I think you should eat something.” He got up and headed towards the kitchen, leaving me morose. I wrapped my arms around my legs. “These are not my lesbians,” I said sadly. “Shut up,” said someone on the floor, so I did and walked off again, this time in search of more food. The pomegranates and the popcorn were sitting unsteadily in my stomach, and I needed a less buttery carb. I returned to the bedroom with the Kindly Bisexual and the twentieth-century Marxists. “Fuck you,” the Comrade was saying. “You think I’m a plant? This is clear revisionism.” “Yo,” the Kindly Bisexual said. “What?” Comrade pointed at Red Star. “This is clearly COINTELPRO tactics, with cheap talking points too. Try to sound a little less like an alt-right troll account, Comrade Stalin.” “I’m a Maoist,” Red Star snarled. Thunder rolled. I giggled nervously, and was ignored. “Fuck this shit, man! Stop this copjacketing bullshit.” Red Star turned to the Kindly Bisexual. “You see this shit? You see this shit? Callin’ me a plant? That’s cop shit.” “Uh,” the Kindly Bisexual said. “I think yall need to chill.” “Spiderman points at Spiderman,” I exclaimed happily. I could envision it so easily: just the Spiderman meme, but with one of them with a goatee photoshopped onto the mask, and the other wearing Mao’s red star. It was great. It was great to look at a real-life meme. Comrade crossed his arms. “I’m just saying, it’s not copjacketing when you’re actually a cop. How do we know you’re real? You probably got that hat off Amazon.” “There’s no ethical consumption under late capitalism,” Red Star growled. “Fuck off. You Trots are all the same. Trying to split the party--that’s the real reason why you crazies have never had a successful revolutionary front since 1917, you start the wild accusations and then there’s what! A cult of just two, handing out newspapers at Union Square. Then charging you a dollar when they shove it into your hand.” “Oof,” I said. “Yeah, yeah,” Comrade said. “How’s fundraising for the People’s War of Williamsburg going? I heard you got good turnout for your membership drive at the New School. Soon enough, you’ll have enough people to build yet another base in some swamp. And leave pig heads in front of libraries and some shit.” “We are not affiliated with Red Guard,” Red Star said testily. “And the pig head, well, things are different in Texas.” “Yeah yeah,” Comrade said. “We know all the pig heads were some cop shit. Like who else can end up that much of a parody of themselves?” “You grew the goatee on purpose?” Red Star asked. “Or just to fit in?” The Kindly Bisexual claimed their hands. “Right, okay. I think we’ve all demonstrated enough insider knowledge of the blessed disaster we call the US Left. No more calling each other cops, okay? Because yall are too fucked up, and when I told the SC that I’d be a community steward, this is not what I thought my first case would be.” I thought that sounded vaguely carceral, but at this point sobriety was creeping cold and clear, and kept my tongue fuzzily still. “Urgh,” I said instead. “Anyone got a cigarette?” We all went outside for a smoke. The rain stilled to a mild drizzle. Streetlights made the dirty pavements shine, and I scuffed my shoe against a patch of old gum that had probably been there since all these people moved to Brooklyn. The Kindly Bisexual had the cigarettes, but nobody else had a light, so I found an old lighter I had picked up the last time I was driving home to Tennessee, in a Waffle House outside Murfreesboro. I had forgotten it had a Confederate flag on it. “What the fuck,” the Kindly Bisexual said flatly. “No!” I protested. “Shit. No. I-I just, I’m from Tennessee. Stole it from some guy in a Waffle House.” I hadn’t, I had just swiped it from the counter after I paid, but they didn’t need to know that. “I ain’t--no. No.” “You’re faking that accent,” Comrade accused. Red Star nodded next to him. Was this truly how the New York Left would be united? I was vaguely proud of myself. “No, I just codeswitch around middle class leftists from the North,” I said, annoyed. Comrade made a considering face: fair point. “On account of yall think my accent means I’m stupid. But let me show you the truth. I stole this from a Waffle House, and now it shall be destroyed!” Everyone watched as I threw it on the pavement, hoping it would shatter. It bounced instead. Red Star started to laugh. “Nah, that’s just stupid. Smash it! Smash it!” I slammed my foot down and then howled, because I was wearing flipflops and that hurt. “Motherfucker!” I wept. “Shit.” “Aight, I’m gonna try,” Comrade said. He jumped on it and slipped on the slick pavement, busting his ass. We all howled with laughter, even the Kindly Bisexual, who wiped their eyes--carefully, so as not to smudge their eyeliner--before offering him a hand up. “We have to be strategic about this,” Red Star said. “Let’s use that tree branch.” She grabbed a sizeable bow that must have fallen in the storm. She wielded it, lamppost casting a mad glow to her eyes. “Solidarity, yall!” “Solidarity!” we all echoed. She smashed it down, and we screamed in drunken glee as the plastic went flying. Red Star brandished the branch, grinning. Then we heard the sirens. Up the block, we saw the cop car on the corner, whirling its sirens. Some pig said something incomprehensible but threatening over the loudspeaker. “Shit,” I said. “I’m out.” We ran for it, laughing but anxious, all the way to the train station. We split up after the turnstiles. The others all lived deeper in Brooklyn, but I needed to head to Queens. I climbed up the stairs to the platform and sat down on the wooden bench, pushing anxiety about bed bugs out of my head. I saw the three of them across the tracks and waved. They were all laughing. Red Star was mimicking how she had dealt the killing blow. I waved, and the Kindly Bisexual saw me and waved back. They all looked my way. Their train pulled in and I saw them, brilliantly fluorescent, pile into the Coney Island-bound train. Red Star and the Kindly Bisexual spread out on the empty seats; Comrade grabbed a pole. I waved again, feeling lonely now. Comrade glanced over his shoulder and saw me, and they all waved again. The train pulled away, leaving me in the deserted station, and I thought: well, shit. Back to catabasis again.

[chanel-blossom]

Chapter 3 (Act 1)

(Warning: a lot of cursing and a little mention of nudity.

Tw: Mentions of child p**n, mentions abusive relationship, mentions alcohol and drugs, manipulation)

Little Ashley hung magazine spreads on her wall,

after picking the magazines out in the mall.

Models and actresses, singers and more,

with cleavage and makeup and glamour galore!

All her heroes were finally nearer.

Her whole room looked perfect — except for the mirror.

- Bo Burnham 

Chanel’s Pov.

Nothing happened with the teacher, he scolded Ayato for a bit and told me not to let his bad behavior influence me, ha! If only he knew. Anyways, Ayato was then pissed at me for not defending him and letting him take all the blame. 

In the limo he kept staring at me, it was quite disturbing, I had seen that look somewhere, but I couldn’t put my finger on it. On a side note, these boys have a staring problem that need to resolve, like, ever heard of communicating? I’m the bitch that can’t talk, they have no excuses. I decided it was best to assert my dominance with him so I stared back. And we kept staring at each other, it wasn’t romantic at all, I had this whole ass fantasy when I moved in with them, about how I’d have my own harem, but they are more trouble than it’s worth. The only reason I’m still here is because of that insanely amazing school.

But the more I stared into his eyes, the creepier it got. That’s when it finally hit me, he had the same look in his eyes as her ex, just before we broke up. He was a dick, so of course I wanted to skedaddle doo out of there. I was his arm candy, which I was fine with, what I wasn’t fine with was him being a fucking cuck. Before we broke up, he threatened to humiliate me by releasing my nudes, now mind you, I was 16 and he was 20 so child pornography. He deleted the pics real quick after I broke down the law for him.

But that look, Ayato wanted to fucking humiliate me, that’s what the look was, and I had no idea of how I should avoid it, as I’ve seen, he’s very unpredictable which is absolutely terrifying. My eyes were ripped from his when my phone got a message. It was from Kai it said “Channneellll I cannot survive school without you, hellppppp” I smirked at this, it had only been a week and he was already fully dependent on me, to the point where he wont submit homework to the teacher without me seeing it... Ayato was still staring at me, I couldn’t wait to get home.

When we finally did get home I fucking ran to my room, I don’t think I had ever ran that fast in my life. I began to do my homework before anything else. I like to do it quickly when I get home so I don’t need to worry about it for the rest of the night. I replied to Kai’s text and quickly got to work. I assume Ayato gave up, the door to my room was left wide open and his bony ass hadn’t popped in.

I had almost finished all my work when he did finally show up, he had a menacing smile on his face as he threw garments of clothing at me. “Get changed, you still owe me that match, we are having bets since you sold me out to that dick face.” This ugly motherfucker- I examined the clothes he game me, they were mine he got them from the other room, it was my workout gear, yoga pants and a sports bra, light blue, very cute. “Do you mind leaving?” I wrote down for him. His smile widened “Nah, I’ll watch” if his intention is to fluster me, it wont work. #freethenip. I needed to desensitize these boys to the naked female body, the best was was exposure therapy. 

So when I started taking off my school uniform, his smile was gone, instead he was confused, he probably thought I’d be flustered and what not, probably go to the bathroom. He smirked when I got down to my undergarment, fucking creep. I put on my yoga pants and took off my bra to replace with the sports bra. This absolutely freaked him out as he closed his eyes and started shouting “Hey Hey! You need to warn a man before you do that shit!” Now that reaction surprised me, I wouldn’t have take him as the type who would get flustered. I grabbed a tank top from my closet and threw it on before tapping his shoulder to let him know I was done. 

His face was as red as his hair, it was kind of cute, he wanted to embarrass me, but the opposite happened. I put on socks and runners and we made our way downstairs to the backyard. His basketball was already beside the door waiting for us to use it. “If I win, I want you to play basketball with me more often.” He said rather seriously, it make my heart ache a little if I’m honest. He doesn’t seem to have the best relationship with his brothers and at school I don’t really see him with anyone except Laito, Yui or his fangirls, I guess he doesn’t have anyone who he can just have fun with. I didn’t have my notebook with me so I couldn’t reply with what I wanted. Not that it would have mattered, he was going to win, basketball isn’t my favorite sport, not really into jumping. And he seemed crazy good back in the hall.

We played for hours, it was a lot of fun, he won every single game, and believe me, I was trying, at some points he didn’t even seem human with his abilities. I quite enjoyed his company, here’s to hoping he enjoyed mine. 

Now this wasn’t my proudest moment, but I’ll share, because I love you. When we were finished, I was sitting on the floor trying to catch my breath and honestly just wanting a shower after the humiliation of loosing to him so much. But then, this skinny legend of a man decided to pick up the ball. Before I tell you what I did, I need to describe just how perfect this man was. His impossibly skinny, hairless legs stood perfectly straight as his back bent over to pick up the ball. I could see every little droplet of sweat on his pale skin. He just looked so prefect. I couldn’t resist, I took my dominant hand and I slapped his bony ass. Don’t judge me, he was in the perfect position, you would have done it as well.

But yeah, I did sprint, I thought I sprinted before, that was nothing, I was going to pass out by the time I got to my room this time around. I quickly closed the door and locked it as I saw the red hair running after me. He was pissed, he was banging on my door yelling incoherent things. I got my notepad and I wrote a message, ripped the page out and slid it under the door. 

Silence

A few minutes passed, I think he has given up, but oh no, I was so wrong skinny legend went ahead and climbed up to my balcony. He was standing at the glass doors, fuming as he pressed the now crinkled note I wrote to the window. All I could do was burst out laughing. It has been so long since I laughed like that, I assume he heard it, hearing my voice is probably the only think that kept me alive that day. When I stopped laughing I looked at the note one more time and genuinely smiled.

“It jiggled” Was all it said.

That was the beginning of our friendship, he will say we aren’t friends, but we both know that’s a lie, he loves my company and can’t live without it. That night was one of the few nights I didn’t drink or take any drugs. At some point, after showering. We both passed out in my bed during our arguing.

[ashintheairlikesnow]

Welcome to Surgery: Kauri

CW: MEDICAL WHUMP - includes muzzling, dehumanization, past noncon ref pet whump, and the leadup to hospital/surgery whump (which will be in Kauri’s next piece, just as a warning). Also some thoughts on an abusive relationship from the perspective of someone still trapped in the cycle of abuse. stay safe.

Tagging: @maybeawhumpblog, @pepperonyscience, @haro-whumps, @18-toe-beans, @burtlederp, @finder-of-rings, @giggly-evil-puppy, @whimpers-and-whumpers, @whump-it, @lumpofwhump, @pumpkinthefangirl

“Aw, he’s sleeping.”

Kauri jerks awake at the soft male voice entirely too close to him, trying to pull away and curl up, turning his face against the cold tile floor with something like a whimper. He shivers in his regulation clothes, the thin white shirt and black shorts hardly enough against the chill in the stale, recirculated air coming from a vent somewhere up in the ceiling.

They had blindfolded him, after the last visit from the handlers, and in a room that is nothing but thin white light and identical white walls and 162 white tiles, he doesn’t really mind the darkness. At least it’s something different than the white.

He doesn’t want more handlers, more black sticks, more punishment that they keep telling him isn’t even his actual discipline. This isn’t the same place, they say. He’s not here for training. There will be a new kind of discipline, here.

His mind runs in circles, every day he’s stuck in the room where the light never changes, the tiles never count to any other number, and there’s not even a single black speck on the wall to think about. Only thinks about what he did wrong, and what they’ll do to fix it.

Discipline is a necessary and humane event ensuring the continued obedience and well-being of a pet

shut up shut up shut up

“Hey, it’s okay, buddy.” A hand moves roughly through his hair and Kauri flinches away, tries to twist himself free, lifts his hands to push at the stranger’s arms. Fingers twist into the clean, brittle black curls until his scalp hurts. “Hey. No, sir,” The voice scolds, like he’s a misbehaving dog. “We don’t do that here. Look, I don’t want to pull a handler in, but if I have to…”

Kauri goes very, very still, drops his hands back down immediately. Just as quickly as the sudden grip had tightened, it loosens and the hand starts petting him again.

Kauri gets it - he doesn’t try to escape this time.

“There you go,” The voice coos. “Good, good, 645898.”

He doesn’t know this voice at all, but it’s the first touch since he was brought back here - two weeks or three weeks or maybe just two days ago - that hasn’t involved hitting him with something. He takes a breath as the fingers relax and start carding through his curls again. He doesn’t know who it is, or what they’re going to do, but… it feels so good. So much better than everything else has felt. “Ssshhh, it’s okay. It’s okay, buddy. You worried about those big mean guards coming back? Don’t be scared, it’s just us, bud. Just us. We don’t even have those big old sticks, we’re the scientists. You can trust us.”

The voice isn’t familiar - but Kauri’s life has been reduced to pain and the chalky drink they give him instead of food. Maybe he has heard this voice before and he just doesn’t remember. The voice talks to him like he should know it, at least, and Kauri’s days have run together anyway.

They’re boiled down to daydreams about how good it had been with Owen, how nice Owen had been to him, and how much he wished he’d just… understood how fortunate he was. If he’d only been grateful for the life Owen gave him, for the way he touched him and treated him - if he’d only been grateful that Owen let him spend unsupervised time with another pet, this would never have happened.

This is what you get.

He’s here to be repaired, but no one will tell him what the repair is, exactly. They just leave him here in this room, and then they hurt him with the black sticks, and then they leave again. He hasn’t seen anyone from before, he doesn’t think - his original training is still fuzzy, beyond individual memories that come and go - except for a single handler.

It had been the one with dark hair and eyes and expensive black boots. He’d come by and smiled with the same sharp flash as the light off the edge of a knife. That handler came by to see him.

His own, Everly, didn’t. He’s not Everly’s trainee anymore - as far as he can tell, he’s not anyone’s actual trainee any longer. But… in a world both numbingly familiar and totally new, Kauri had sort of expected to see Everly as a part it, too.

No visit from him… but Handler Connor came by.

Long time no see, 645898. Did you miss our days together that much? Had to act up just so you could get sent back for disobedience and I could get you up against that wall again?

Y-you can’t touch m-m-me, they, they said I have to be, to be left al, alone… for, for s-s-surgery… He’d still been shaking from the last round of the sticks, the electricity that never seemed to stop racing through his nerves. Kauri hated what being shocked did to his voice, hated it.

No, you’re right. I don’t get to have all that much fun with you. I’m only here for a little… hello. Say hello, sweetness.

H-Hello… Hello, Handler.

Good. So you still know how to follow a real man’s order, at least. Honestly, I’m a little sad you didn’t get handed over to me for repair, but there’s always next time. I missed you. That son of a bitch they sold you to… he doesn’t know how lucky he is.

Kauri had swallowed against a weird feeling at the words, pressed with his back against the wall, Handler Connor in his space without quite touching him, his skin crawling and wishing for touch at the same time. The man who hurt him most here had said something Owen himself never had - that maybe Owen was the lucky one, and Kauri the gift.

H-How lucky… I am?

Oh, sweet thing. If I took you home you’d be trained for pain and I’d count my lucky fucking stars every day. Someone should tell you how perfect you are - those big eyes that get so scared, your hair, I know you’d bleed so well if you went to the right guy with the right knife… someone should tell you you’re perfect. It might as well be me.

He’d felt gratitude, at the closest thing to kind words he’d ever heard from a handler, and disgust at himself for being grateful - both in equal measure.

But… as nice as it was to hear, it isn’t true. Kauri is the one who should be grateful. Owen wants him back - Director Renford promised he did, she said Owen wants him back and even as Kauri, so he clings onto his name and onto how wonderful Owen is, not to want him refurbished after he broke his protocols so badly.

“I don’t know why you insist on doing this.” A second voice - female, maybe? - and Kauri twitches again. The hand gently petting through his hair pauses, and then pulls away, and Kauri fights an urge deep down to reach out and try to pull it back.

Please, please, someone be nice to me again. Someone touch me. Someone be kind. I feel like I’m not real unless someone is touching me.

“Doing what, Delevigne?”

“I don’t know… that. Interacting with them. It’s not like we’ll see him after his post-op care is over with. He’s just a number.”

“I mean, I know, but look, he’s so scared… poor little buddy. You just had a hard time following the rules, huh?” The hand pats through his hair one more time, and then Kauri feels fingers close around his arm, pulling him up. He goes willingly enough, turning his head slowly in the direction the man must be standing. It’s so cold in here that even just being near him is warmer than the air everywhere else, and Kauri unconsciously moves closer, almost pressing against his side.

“Man, gotta love how needy they get,” The man cooed. “He’s a sweetie, right?”

“He’s a skinny, is what he is,” The female voice says, flatly. “Was he skinny when he got here?”

“Yeah. He’s not too skinny, though, he’ll do fine on the table. I think he looks pretty good for his first week in R&D to be honest. They said his owner went a little crazy on him…” A fingertip traces along the dark, healing bruises at Kauri’s throat and he flinches away from it out of sheer surprise, blinking rapidly behind his blindfold. “I’d believe it.”

“That’s an owner for you. Roll of the dice, every time - and don’t tell the Director I said it, but it takes a certain kind of cold motherfucker to order a Romantic, if you ask me.”

“… don’t you own a Romantic, Delevigne?”

There’s a pause, and then a sort of brittle, cynical laughter. “I didn’t say I wasn’t one of those cold motherfuckers, Ty. I work long hours, no time for a relationship - so I bought one. Employee discount makes it a pretty decent investment, actually, especially if you have them trained for housework, too. Besides, I’m only home long enough to even see him awake like twice a week, so I figure he’s got it made. He and my cat are fucking inseparable. He doesn’t complain about it.”

A pause.

“Del, you and I both know they make sure the merchandise is good and grateful before they ever leave. How many of them even can complain? Can yours?”

“You know, I have no idea. I never asked. He’s a really good listener, though.”

The fingers that were so nice in his hair are suddenly back up on his skin, ghosting up Kauri’s cheekbones and around behind his head, untying the blindfold. Kauri blinks hard as his eyes have to adjust to the brighter light coming in behind them in the open doorway, hunching his shoulders just slightly away from the overwhelming sharp… cologne? bodywash? smell and presence of the man in front of him.

The woman is leaning against the doorway with her arms crossed, short dark hair in a pixie cut and thick black glasses perched on her nose. The man has long hair pulled into a low bun at the back of his neck and a bright, engaging smile. Both of them are wearing long white coats with scrubs on underneath. They look more like actors playing scientists or doctors, like the scientists in Owen’s movies, than what Kauri thinks an actual scientist would look like.

There’s a flash, in Kauri’s mind, of a woman standing beside him as he sits on an examination table swinging small legs, getting to pick a toy out of a special box because he’d been so good during his checkup today, and Keira is off to the side playing with her dinosaur toy-

A blinding flash of pain and Kauri whimpers, clenching his eyes shut, as the memory is forced back behind the broken wall of his mind.

“Ooooh, what’s this? You okay, buddy?” Hand in his hair, taking his chin to turn him to look, and it never occurs to Kauri to try and fight the touch, because that’s what being a human pet is - you are touched, or not, and you have no control. He only nods, slowly, breathing in and out. The man takes both hands and begins to rub at his temples, and it feels… so good. “Trying to remember something, huh?” Kauri nods, slowly, keeping his eyes closed. “Well you should know better by now, little man. The whole point is to make sure you can’t do that. Take deep breaths, it’ll pass.”

“I wish you wouldn’t talk to them. This wastes so much time, we could have him halfway prepped by now.”

“Oh, shut up, Del. He’s freaking himself out. You have no heart, you know that?”

“Yeah. That’s why I work here, numbnuts.”

The man rolls his eyes, giving Kauri a bit of a wink, as though they’re conspiring together. Kauri only stares, wide-eyed, unsure how to handle this new type of person entirely unlike anyone else he’d ever met at the Facility. The man pulls his hands back. “There we go… better, right?” The man grins as Kauri slowly nods.

He has a wide mouth, and even with everything that has happened to him, Kauri nearly smiles back on instinct alone. The man’s expression is just that infectious.

The man steps back to look him over, suddenly businesslike. “All right, kiddo, enough time wasted. Let’s see you ready to go.”

Kauri swallows, moving into Position One, clasping one wrist with the other hand behind his back, lifting his chin without ever quite looking them in the eyes, either of them. “G-Good… morning,” He tries, and his voice is rough and hoarse - he’s been screaming too much, wearing his throat back to raw even as it heals from what Owen did.

But when they start hitting him, it’s hard not to scream.

“Mid-afternoon, really,” The woman says dryly. “But a good try, I’ll give you that, ‘898.”

“Look at you, being so good for us,” The man praises, his voice thick with patronizing, condescending affection. Kauri feels blood pooling in his cheeks even as he drops his eyes to the floor. Even Owen never talked to him like this. “What do you think, Del? Isn’t he so good?”

“I think I’m here to do a fucking job, not drool all over the merchandise,” the woman - Delevigne, apparently - says in a voice that is trying for annoyed but mostly landing on amused. “Honestly, Tyler, you spend so much time petting them, it’s a wonder you keep turning down the Director’s offers to give you one for a bonus.”

“Nah, I don’t want that kind of obligation in my life. Bring one home and you have to feed it, give it water…” Tyler frowns, considering. Kauri doesn’t move, doesn’t even shift position. His legs and feet tingle from getting up off the floor, and every once in a while he twitches, a little, an involuntary muscle spasm left over from all the electricity that’s been forced through his skin. Tyler moves up and around him in a slow circle, taking in the visible bruises, the healing marks around his bare neck. “Plus… you know I don’t really like that if you get one everyone assumes you’re sleeping with it.”

“Yeah, well, you and the Director are probably the only ones who don’t at least try it out. You like them so much- why not, Ty?”

“They can’t say no, Del, that’s why.”

“So? Isn’t… that kind of the fucking point?”

Tyler shook his head. “If they can’t say no, they can’t say yes. I’m not interested in taking someone home who can’t consent.”

“Oh, but performing surgery on them-”

“That’s different. What we do here is important work, we’re making really important scientific discoveries about human behavior modification that could impact the industry for decades.” Tyler finally stops, back around in front of Kauri, and reaches out, lifting his chin slowly with two fingers. “Besides, this guy signed a contract.”

None of us ever remember the signing. I bet he knows why we don’t remember signing.

Kauri’s eyes raise and finally meet Tyler’s.

Shining, warm brown, but not the right kind of brown. Not dark and intense, but open and light and all these new eyes do is remind Kauri of what his stupid fucking aberrant behavior cost him… his chance to have something just for him, even if it had been in passing, in private, in the quiet mornings before Owen woke up.

With an aching heart, Kauri looks from the man - Tyler - to the Delevigne woman, waiting for an order, for some idea of what to expect.

Tyler pats him on the back, a little too hard, and he laughs when Kauri stumbles and catches himself, forcing his spine back to straight. “Sorry, bud,” He says in a tone that suggests he doesn’t actually care at all. “Okay, 645898, you need to head to the OR to get prepped. Now normally there’d be more of us involved - you’d have nurses, couple of handlers. But the Director wants this hush-hush, so Del and I are it as far as getting you into the room today. Can you handle that? Can you follow us like a good boy?”

Kauri bites back some hint of himself - of who he really was, maybe - that wanted to snap if you stop talking to me like I’m a dog, I’ll get right on it. All he does is look between the two of them again and slowly, carefully nod.

“I can follow you.”

Just because they aren’t handlers doesn’t mean they won’t have the black sticks, or some other way to hurt him.  

When the Delevigne woman twists herself around to grab something that must have been hanging on the hooks outside his door, Kauri feels his stomach drop. “W-wait-” He whispers, barely able to manage even that much of a protest. He’s not drugged, but he’s hungry, they haven’t given him any of the chalk-drink since yesterday. The world is seems to smudge itself, a little, around the edges.  “Wait, I’ve never w-w-worn, never-… I’m not a, a biter!“

Just the once, only the one time, and he had learned his lesson after that.

“Ssssshhh.” Tyler’s voice stays soft and saccharine even as he moves around behind Kauri, pulling his wrists behind his back. It never occurs to Kauri to fight him. “Sorry, bud, I’m sure this is all super new to you, but if we’re not going to have handlers to help us, we have to take some extra precautions.”

“But, but I don’t bite,” Kauri whispers.  

“I know, buddy, I know. Look, you have to wear one for surgery, anyway, so we might as well get you ready now, huh? Think of it as saving you some time later on, okay?”

Kauri has never actually had to wear what Delevigne holds in her hands before, but he’s seen them on other boys, the ones who had a reputation for biting. The ones who tore skin, did real damage, who weren’t so easily drugged into the pliable, loose-limbed empty boxes they could build into perfect little-

Stop it, stop it, this is how you got sent back here, don’t think like that don’t think

Owen doesn’t want you to think

You weren’t made to think

He manages a nod, just to show he’s listening, wide blue eyes focused absolutely on the black straps and dangling, unattached mask hanging from Delevigne’s hand as she steps closer to him. Behind the dark glasses, her eyes are distant, businesslike. She looks beyond him, not directly at him.

“All right, 645898. Open up. Tyler’s a nice guy-” Tyler squeezes the hands holding his wrists twice, as if in emphasis, but all it does is hurt and Kauri winces. Some of the trainees are good at taking pain, it’s all they ever do, but Kauri isn’t trained for it. “-but I’m not a guy and I’m not nice. So open up.”

Kauri’s heart is pounding, but he slowly hesitantly opens his mouth.

The cylinder of heavy, slightly soft plastic slips between his teeth too easily, pressing lightly against his tongue with a faint chemical taste. When she tells him to close, he feels the solid plastic give just slightly between his teeth.

“You’ll be able to bite down on this when the pain is bad,” Delevigne tells him, looking it over thoughtfully. “Trust me when I say you’ll want that option, because the pain will be bad. We’re only allowed to give you a local anesthetic this time.”

“We are?” The man behind Kauri speaks right in his ear and Kauri jumps in nervous surprise “Oh, sorry, buddy. You didn’t know I was this close, huh?” He laughs again, and his laugh is odd and hard to understand - it sounds nice, but he is holding Kauri’s wrists behind his back while Del fastens the straps around his head, forcing the bit in further as she tightens them, until it pulls at the edges of Kauri’s mouth, making them ache.

He’s never worn a muzzle before.

One comes with the box the new owners get, but Owen had thrown his away.

What’s the point if I don’t get to hear you? He’d asked a newly-woken Kauri, who had still been blinking sleepily at him, trying to shake off the transport drugs, sweaty and so, so glad that he’d been given to his owner at last.

Once it’s fastened, he stares a little blankly, biting down on the plastic to test it, trying to move his tongue to get more comfortable. The black mask section is added, clipped onto little hooks on either side along his cheek, and fresh air comes only through small holes punched into the front.

Not that the air here is ever fresh.

“There, how’s that?” Tyler asks brightly. Kauri has no idea what he expects, exactly - he can’t talk, he can barely get enough air to breathe. The straps are too tight along the back, and the corners of his mouth are already aching.

He plays it safe and nods, but his heart is beating too hard, and he’s sure - so sure - the scientists can hear it in the perfect silence of his room, broken only by the soft constant ssshhhhhhh of the ventilation system.

“Perfect. All right, let’s get you moving, bud.” Tyler grabs him by one arm and pulls him and Kauri stumbles along behind, leaving the room and feeling suddenly an absurd wish to turn around and go back to it, to the tenuous safety of 162 tiles and the flat matte white and the light that never fades or changes.

He knows his room - but he doesn’t know where they are taking him, and he doesn’t know what happens next.

He shivers in the cold air, walking between them, his eyes moving to take in details of a part of the Facility he’s never really seen. The interiors of the holding rooms all look the same as everywhere else, but there’s color here - color-coded folders hang next to doors, muzzles hang off hooks. Now and then a number is scrawled on a dry-erase board next to a door - if he doesn’t look right at it and doesn’t try to know what the numbers are, it doesn’t hurt him to make the observation - and Kauri wonders if there are others here, listening to the shuffle-scrape of the pulling him down the hallway.

“Now, you should expect a lot of pain, like we said,” Tyler says, a spring in his step. Delevigne walks beside him without any perceptible emotion on her face, even though Kauri steals glances when he thinks she’s not looking. She looks like she’s thinking, like she’s somewhere deep inside her head. “A lot of pain. Normally we like to knock ‘em out for stuff this invasive, but the Director was pretty… adamant, and honestly, 645898, you do not want to piss her off, not even if you’re us.”

That he understood, and Kauri nodded quickly to agree with him, making a low, affirming noise in his throat. Tyler grinned and slapped him on the back encouragingly, nearly knocking him off his feet.

Delevigne caught him by his other arm, rolling her arms. “Hey, don’t damage the fucking merchandise before we’ve even finished the prototype, dumbass.”

“Whoops, sorry. You’re okay, aren’t you, ‘898?”

Kauri nods quickly, but his eyes are still scanning the hallways. As they turn a corner, the white walls are suddenly blue, and he feels assaulted by the color, even though it’s not all that bright. Blue walls with photos hung at regular intervals, of people doing important scientific work, he thought. Lots of people in the same white long coats Tyler and Delevigne wore giving a thumbs-up next to dazed-looking trainees.

Director Renford pops up in one photo, standing next to a kneeling man with short dark hair. Kauri stumbles to a stop, and the two scientists stop with him, shooting each other a look of something like curiosity, then looking back to him.

The tall dark-haired man has darker eyes, too, although Kauri can’t tell what color they are from the photo. Director Renford looks… young, even though he can tell it’s her. She has long hair in a braid, and her hand lays along the back of the kneeling man’s neck in an obvious display of possession.

Kauri wants to ask, but all he can do is make a muffled, curious sound and point.

Delevigne snorts. “The Director’s first, I think. Ten. He was the tenth successful trainee or something? I don’t know, we have to do a whole… orientation packet with company history, but I’ll be honest - I took a lot of smoke breaks that day.”

“I didn’t,” Tyler says. “I remember most of it. Poor bastard signed his fucking life away thinking they were going to fix his anxiety disorder. Now he balances her goddamn checkbook.”

“I heard a rumor once that he, uh, balances more than that, if you get my drift. Apparently the Director is generous with her friends. Besides, he’s less anxious now, isn’t he?” Delevigne laughs, and Tyler laughs, and Kauri wants to shrink into the floor until he disappears, but there’s nowhere to escape to. All he does is look at the kneeling man’s dark eyes and try to find some sign of life there, stare and stare at the blank expression and Director Renford’s hand on the back of his neck, her self-satisfied little smile, until finally they yank him by the arm and pull him away.

Three cheers for tyranny, unapologetic apathy, sings some ghostly voice in the back of his head, a song he’s never heard and doesn’t know… but maybe he knew before. His head starts to hurt, at least, usually a sign that he’s trying to dig something out from the wall, something that isn’t ready to break free.

They turn another hallway - this one is painted a soft pastel yellow, has more photos on the walls. Now he can see that the rooms have open doors and carpeted floors. They’re offices, with great wooden desks and warm lamps and decor. Some of the desks have people sitting at them, shuffling papers or signing things, typing away at computers. When the people look up, they don’t look at Kauri but through him, the way Delevigne does. They call their greetings to the scientists holding him, but no one stops working, and Delevigne and Tyler don’t stop walking.

Another hallway, a soft dusty red. Now the rooms look like… hospital rooms at the clinic, the place Kauri hates most in the world beyond the Facility training rooms themselves. Each room has two hospital beds, curtains to draw around them, a bunch of machinery. He sees only one boy, lying on his back with some kind of thing down his throat, the soft hissss, hisssss of a machine moving.

“Shit, looks like 533456 isn’t looking any better,” Tyler mutters.

“Yeah, well, you can’t bash someone’s head into the wall that many times and expect them to pop right back up good as new,” Del says, with an angry edge to her voice. “Trainees are an investment. If I were the Director, I’d sue for damages, not just fire the stupid bastard.”

Tyler laughs, and it’s not the soft, patronizing laughter he’s been using with Kauri but a harder-edged sound, and Kauri twists his head to look at him, anxious biting on the bit in his mouth, pushing into the plastic that gives only a little between his teeth. “I wouldn’t worry about that. That asshole’s good-looking and he’d make a good guard dog. I think the Director will get her investment back.”

Suddenly Kauri wondered, for the first time, what the guards signed when they agreed to work here. And what the Director would do to the guard who damaged company property badly enough to get fired for it.

Finally, they moved into a hallway painted a gentle gray, like a winter sky somewhere flat and frigid cold where Kauri thought, with a sharp stab of pain inside his skull, he might once have lived. It looks like the clouds when it snows, but Kauri has never seen snow except on the ski trips Owen takes, and in those places they are high up in the mountains and the skies don’t look the same up there.

No, this is like when Mom comes back from the diner and says, You remember old George VanHoorn, he says there’s snow coming. Man knows his skies, I guess I can’t disagree or I’ll owe him the next slice of pie-

Kauri groans, muffled, as the pain nearly knocks him off his feet, feeling like a blow inside his skull that throws him forward, only staying on his feet when Tyler and Delevigne hold him up, limp between them.

“He’s trying to think,” Delevigne says, disinterested. “I don’t have time for that, we have three surgeries today, and this is the one we have to nail. I am not letting this little asshole get me dragged in front of the Director for failing to meet expectations.”

“He’s fine,” Tyler says, just a little defensively, and leans over to pet through Kauri’s hair, holding him gently as he gets his feet back underneath him, tears leaking from the corners of his eyes as his world spins with agony. He can’t remember any longer what it was that caused the pain, only that he had done something wrong, tried to remember something he wasn’t supposed to know. “You’re okay, right, buddy? Not gonna mess up our schedule today, are you?”

Kauri shakes his head rapidly, blinking away the tears, making low hnnnh, hnnnnh, hnnnnh noises behind the muzzle, struggling to take enough air in by sucking it through his teeth and breathing through his nose to stop feeling the world’s sick-dizzy spin around him.

“Good boy, that’s what I thought. All right, bud…” They all but drag him further down the hallway, Kauri struggling to get his feet back under him, bare heels smacking into the floor unevenly. Then they stop in front of a big set of wide double-doors, open to show a room larger than four or even five of the training rooms inside.

There’s a hospital bed there, already. A large sort of metal table that’s bolted into the floor. There are machines everywhere.

Kauri tries to take a deep breath, but he can’t. So he takes several shallow ones, and the world spins again. His heart pounds in his chest, tries to break through, has to settle for nearly bruising his breastbone. The hands on his arms tighten, become inexorable, inescapable.

On a small table on wheels next to the metal table, there’s a tray with a stippled, textured pale blue paper laid out on it. On top of the paper there’s a series of things Kauri vaguely recognizes from Owen’s movies and TV shows as surgery tools - he can see what he knows is a scalpel, actually two scalpels. He can see some tools he doesn’t know, too.

And next to the tools is something he doesn’t recognize at all - it looks like a necklace made up of small flat circles with blue stones in the middle, but the connection isn’t thread or chain but wires.

There’s a loud beep from somewhere nearby, and Kauri nearly jumps out of his skin.

“Welcome to surgery, little buddy,” Tyler says, in a low sweet voice.

“Let’s get you on the table,” Delevigne says, kicking the doorstops so the double-doors swing closed behind him and latch with an audible click.

“Let’s get me my promotion,” Tyler laughs, and Kauri can barely walk as they drag him towards the table.

[wo-wann-was-wer]

WHAT I WAS THINKING: DARK SEASON 3 EDITION

EPISODE 1:

Who are these dudes with the harelip and what do they want

Why did she just take him to a cave and leave that’s kinda rude

So everything in this universe is just gonna be backwards. Love it

Ugh I’ve said this a million times but this show has such Fringe energy and I can’t wait to get a tattoo for this too

This is super freaking me out, i dont like that everyone’s in everyone else’s house.

Ooooh Katharina with glasses yes girl you better work.

I like Michael and this hat he’s rocking

Super into the fact that magnus and fransizka are involved in this universe too

There’s nothing cuter than sex before school. Ahhh the nostalgia

Ten bucks says that Hannah gets out of this bed and is pregnant

Fucking YEP

I am loving Martha in this Jonas journey

I know that all they did was flip the lens of the camera but my brain is breaking at this flipped Winden

Who the fuck is this random dude Martha is with

You know what he kind of looks like Jonas. I wonder if that's relevant or if I'm just grasping at straws

Bartosz looks like he's going to his first grade violin recital

I straight up just did not recognize Charlotte with makeup. She looks hot

There's got to be another person in that picture other than Ulrich because that's a lot of space to rip out for one person

okay hold up Woller looks so good and then when I saw that he was missing an arm I almost lost my fucking mind

Oh shit okay Hannah is living in Katharina's house.

Oh my God are Ulrich and Charlotte having an affair

Is it normal in Germany for kids to just walk into classes that aren't there’s and just sit down

follow up he has a clear noose mark on his neck

Aleksander looks so hot with this beard. universe B is the fucking glow up universe

It's weirding me out that the whole school is black and gray instead of light brown

The look of satisfaction on katharina's face

Wow honestly Louis just broke my heart with his facial expression when he realized his mom didn't know who he was

he looks so scared

Yes yes do it afffffffffair

Oh no you done got found out!!!

Oh the theme of the play here is red and set of gold

Fransizka looks so cute in this little outfit

Oh my God she's deaf!!!!

What the fuck. the fact that this actress can talk is blowing my mind

RIP to Regina a real queen

Peter's a fucking priest

All the fucking weird-ass freaky motherfucking trio is back

The dopplers have the same house That's cool

excuse me sir I think your child is broken

these guys are so creepy What the fuck

I definitely don't like the piano wire

oh this motherfucker is the one who gets lost

I feel like winden in this universe is just a little bit fancier

Well Charlotte and Ulrich just be fucking like crazy

Bartosz is the Jonas of this group and I love it

who was that??????

I cannot get over Aleksander in this beard

I like that things are opposite but they also have things that are different enough.

Like I'm so into the fact that they all went down into the bunker

who in the unholy fuck is that. who is that

Oh shit old Martha

What the fuck is this Tannhaus’ factory we're at

hold up Martha's in 1888

What the fuck. why is Jonas in 1888 and looking SO good

EPISODE 2:

casually sitting over your bed watching you sleep

he's look so good though

yo what the fuck everybody else is there too

Oh no things got really ugly at Mads’ wake

Not for nothing but Tronte is a dick

I kind of don't understand why Claudia would want Regina to live in such pain in this type of universe

Peter is such a good boy

lurking is the freaking national past time of this place

Oh shit we got some spin-off timeline stuff good

who is This is blind guy

I love Katharina so fucking much

I know what she's thinking and it's the same thing I'm thinking which is can I kill a child

why does this picture of Tronte make him look like Jimmy Smits

Katharina looks amazing in this jacket

Also I definitely did not just start yelling GO GET YOUR MAN KATHARINA

Regina just gets more and more badass as time goes on. Also all of the women of the tiedemann family are so fucking badass

I am so excited to watch this fucking relationship develop. they're both too cute

awwww he's using signs!

oh they're writing back and forth

DAMNIT PETER

I always feel like little Noah should do fuckboy sign offs when he leaves rooms because he's so smooth

yesterday Laurel said that this was back to the future but serious and just now Bartosz said it's not super easy to get nuclear fuel in 1888 and now I think that Laurel's right

I will never get over how good he looks JONAAAASSSSSSS

This guy feels like the OG inventor of sic mundus right

Katerina why are you even trying to check in at the front desk bitch Go and get your man

Is this Katarina's mom why does she just recognize that woman's name

everyone on the show is so talented.I spend the whole damn time being like oh my god the performances on the show and it's like yeah we know

Katerina get your man

I literally love them so much look at the look on her face She is a mama bear She is not going to let anybody take her man or her children and I love her

Not a huge fan of people who quote Shakespeare right before they kill other people or am I an enormous fan of people who use Shakespeare right before they kill other people

using a garotte to kill someone is ugly as fuck

I feel so bad for Jana

see this is one of the reasons why I'm like why would you bring Regina back to this world.

wowwwww TRONTE what's up dude

YO WHAT

Oh so how did Charlotte get back there but Elizabeth's still there too. didn't they switch places?

oh the head bump

Not excited for the mother daughter abuse stuff that's about to happen

I love these split sequences that they do at the end

anytime somebody stands and stairs for a lonely at a spot on the ground I assume to somebody died there

Oh shit that guy is a tannhausokkkk I see you

a religious images we love to see it.

This show is a whole series of pause that frame.

No I ruined something for myself!!!!

EPISODE 3

got to love those through and through Ariadne references

okay so Charlotte's great great grandfather has her watch?

who are these horrible traveler human beings

they look like less sexy Francis dolarhydes

I can't get over the fact that wollers missing an arm here I swear

we ARE the glitch BITCH

alternate universe Ulrich is a better person than standard Ulrich

what's this new like zoom-y thing they're doing

I was attracted to Magnus at this jump of the show but he looks better with dark hair

How did they not all die of fucking flu

eternally repeating deja vu

I looked at the production stills and I was like what the fuck is this hair do that Moritz has but he looks amazing

Also everyone on this show deserves an acting award

and Magnus is wearing a skeleton sweater

Hannah does that deep dive detective work any bitch knows the Nose doesn't lie

why doesn't anybody want to fuck wöller

omgggg eat the RICH

also he has that x tattoo on his hand that represents the no future thing

oh the light is rectangular and not circular ooooooh fancy

The show is also a lot of people catching each other's wrists as they walk away

I knew we couldn't trust this bitch

What did he give her

I love the parallels and characters behaviors between universe a and universe b

I want to know how Noah factored into all of this on this side

Martha has a type and her type is iconically Aryan

Oh Aleksander's back with that beard he's back

Hannah is such a snake

Omg that's her!!!!! I thought she was a trans actress.. hm. not super happy bout that :/

What is Helge talking about Ulrich did what??? omg

I would be like SIR DO WE NEED TO FIGHT STOP FOLLOWING ME

I stopped taking notes for the last half of that episode cuz I was really sucked in haha

EPISODE 4

FIRST OF ALL I'D LIKE TO GO ON RECORD THAT I DON'T CARE FOR THESE GENTLEMEN AT ALL

second of all why is this guy being like oh I took your name

why does he have Agnes's bracelet I don't like that

I don't like anything about this guy That's the end of the story

Also hold up a red hot second is Agnes dead cuz if so that's a hate crime

see what did I say

I knew that Hannah was going to get involved with Egon

from the second she walked in that office I was like that bitch has her eye on him and as she should he's handsome as fuck

Also he spoils her so much more than any other man she's ever been with AKA is Egon the only man she ever deserved

Is Hannah going to develop a heart cuz I'm not sure how I feel about that

Also what happens if Hannah gets pregnant

why is Ines a bitch I thought she was mad cool the beginning and now I feel fucking deceived

Also it's such a sweet gig that The kids who are playing kids can now play teenagers

poor Doris. Also he was shitty to her but he was far nicer than I would have been

Doris is so beautiful it's bullshit

older Magnus is so handsome

All I wanted was middle-aged Martha

bitch you have been having unprotected sex with him why do you think that pregnancy was not on the tabl

I'm like who's this guy in the church if it's not Noah I bet it's that little bitch

yeah I fucking knew it

Is this the dude that was married to Agnes I feel like this guy isn't real or something

I'm not surprised he let her go but I don't know why I'm not surprised. I feel like she's important to his timeline and I'm not sure why

look at these relationships forming between these sweet little bab

Hannah looks good in this red. Hannah looks good in all of these styles. 

who is this child

I like that already as a child Bernd had his eye on Claudia as someone who was smart and had a ton of potential

 I keep forgetting that I'm taking notes because I get so invested in episodes

Also I realize the zoomi thing which is going back and forth between the universes

Is Agnes Silja’s mom And if so with whom 

he gave her Agnes’ bracelet that dope All right Tronte

Wow Claudia needs to back off her man

Claudia force him into a relationship with her

I fucking hate Hannah but sometimes she speaks so much sense

ooh I don't need anyone Yes girl that's true You don't need anyone You needing people was what made you act fucking crazy You don't need anybody

This was always my big problem with Hannah was that I initially identified with her because she was such a survivor but then she did such horrible reprehensible things I just couldn't let it go and I absolutely couldn't identify with her anymore

Oh here's my daddy Noah looking so good

I mean okay so I have been in this position before where I was cheating and then my man cheated on me and I was like how dare you but also you cannot be mad if your partner cheats on you when you cheated too. You both fucked up

Is Hannah going to have a redemption arc cuz that's a lot

Oh my God she's not going to get rid of this child is she

Oh my great God I cannot believe that she gave Helene that necklace. 

I knew she was fucking connected to Katharina in the older generation I knew it

Louis and Lisa are a super cute couple and I know that they're not dating in real life but I think that they're very cute together

Oh everybody fucking

yeah they created the Apocalypse yeah

Oh no they have a child outside of worlds that's a mess How does that work so they had they gave birth to that ugly fuck

honestly I hate that he's their child for the most part just because he's ugly as fuck and neither of them are ugly as fuck so it makes me mad.

[chaoslordjoe]

RWBY - Do I ship it?

My friend @lewdnepvasilias666​ has recently been receiving Asks about some various RWBY ships. Given my small follower base, and since I’ve got some time to kill before going AFK for Father’s Day I just thought: “Eh. Seems fun.”

No time to waste, so let’s get into a few random ships here, shall we?

Renora

OTP

I SHIP IT

hELL YES

I WOULD DIE FOR IT OKAY

As if there was any doubt! Just to start us off, I feel that there really isn’t much else that can be emphasized about Renora and how it’s one of the few things the FNDM can collectively agree on.

While I understand that the whole “best-friends-to-lovers” trope is cliche -- believe me, I’m not a fan of it either -- I feel that Renora is able to handle it in the least corny way possible with a realistic backstory: Grew up in a village, village was doomed, they ran out and survived and have been together ever since.

Yeah, it’s a clear setup for romance between the two, or at the very least a type of love that’s not necessarily romantic. Not just that, but the deepest friendship imaginable. I’ll admit, I’m not a fan of how they made Renora super angsty in V7, but I feel much more content ever since I dropped the show with how much more fan content there is to explore of these two that RT couldn’t.

Boop, motherfuckers!

BlackSun

the sexiest pair

underrated

we need more of it

reads fics about it

Like morning follows night, eh?

Pretty much every praise that can be said about BlackSun is said before I could say anything about it. I’m not actually gonna shit-talk Bumbleby much as I have a few select words on how that ship has, uh...Basically it’s to avoid the bleeding obvious and just talk about positive stuff here.

Sun Wukong is one of my favorite RWBY characters. And the relationship he had with Blake, even though it remained a friendship in canon really resonated with me as someone who has been through a similar plight with abusive relationships like Blake.

Weiss is my top favorite, don’t get me wrong, but seeing Sun keep up a positive face for Blake and his other friends just really brings me some joy with the goodest of bois.

Also their cuteness. Hee~!

Cool Jazz

we need more of it

CUTENESS OVERLOAD

why not

the sexiest pair

Hey, I like Iceberg. But this is another Weiss ship that’s grown on me faster than how quickly the rate at which players rushed to find the megalodon shark in Battlefield 4.

I’ll admit that Cool Jazz was kinda “eh” to me at first since I didn’t have a set Weiss ship when I first discovered it. Yeah, Iceberg was on the table but I was on the fence with it at the time simply due to since I was one of *those* dipshits who honest-to-god thought that Neptune was a fuckboi (sorry Lewdy, but I like him now homegirl) since I honest-to-Christ didn’t know any better.

Ever since I discovered more art of it, and was surprised to hear how many people shipped it along with my friends who liked Iceberg, I realized with horror that I was into Cool Jazz. Don’t get me wrong, I love the dynamic of it with Weiss dating a commoner (JacquesXEternal suffering forever) just to shy further away from her stigma as a noble. And looking back in Volume 3, I think that more interactions with her and Flynt were in order in V7.

Some good stuff there.

Ironwitch

would read a fic about it

Soulmates

we need more of it

I’m not necessarily crazy about Ironwitch as I am more chill about the idea of it.

There are similar ships with the whole serious character/serious character vibe. Monochrome, for instance. Which is fine, given how many serious character/funny character ships there are. White Rose, BlackSun, Renora, just to name a few. But enough babbling, what do I like about this one?

Well, much as I’m not one to cry out for diversity in many cases, this is one ship where I’m attracted to the respective backgrounds of James and Glynda. I don’t mind them being portrayed as just business partners, but this is another one that quickly grew on me.

Ironwood is a military man whose knowledge lies in warfare and maintaining relations between the public and the armed forces. As a civilian who never served, a lot of military guys I’ve met are the ones you should be asking with just how stressful it is serving in such a position for a senior officer with such a massive reputation.

Glynda, meanwhile, is also a disciplinarian who is basically teaching kids to be like child soldiers in the fight against Grimm. Both have the same jobs, yes, but I really think that whatever past backstories they had would have revealed just how deep their partnership went before the whole shadow war escalated.

Tell you the truth, I’m picturing Ironwitch as a ship with a lot of backstory potential given how close the two are. And minor thing, but, I like the idea of Glynda being playful with James when they’re out of sight. It’s just a really cute image which I can’t help but find amusement out of.

Gemstone

CUTENESS OVERLOAD

why not

would read a fic about it

Yeah, this one right here is kind of a cop out with it being a “foe yay” ship. Doubly so with this being a F/F ship which I know is a point of contention in the FNDM these days. But it’s my list. So let’s talk about it.

Emerald Sustrai is a bit of an oddity in the FNDM. On one hand, there are fans who find her to be sympathetic with how clingy she is with Cinder when Cinder is basically using her as a puppet in her bidding.

I don’t necessarily “hate” Emberald since that’s not the kind of abuse I’m familiar with. But I definietly see why people would hate it and have no patience, knowing how contentious Cinder happens to be.

On the other, there are fans who think that Emerald is just there and wouldn’t be caught dead reading anything about her. Certainly, she’s been part of a lot of interesting ships lately.

Among one of these is Gemstone. AKA Emerald/Ruby. Hear me out for a second, peeps.

I like Gemstone not because I’m big on villain redemption stuff in RWBY fanworks. But because I like the idea of it being seen where Emerald is actually in a happy, healthy relationship with someone who supports her unlike Cinder. Seeing a cinnamon roll like Ruby be a part of that just really made me think about my history with abuse.

Thing is, I’ve been in relationships like that which involve manipulative behavior and promises of this-or-that. While Emerald isn’t one of my S-tier RWBY characters, I still think that she has room for a lot of development as someone who’s not portrayed in an evil light.

There’s also Topaz (Emerald/Jaune) if I can’t find any Gemstone works. Sure, there are other ships like Emercury (which I’m also warming up to a little). But I think that Gemstone is filling that void for now until I can look more into Emercury for the time being.

I also like the red/green color schemes. Just really pleasing to the eyes. Next!

Silent Knight

hELL YES

the sexiest pair

would read a fic about it

I SHIP IT

Another “foe yay” ship that I’ve developed a soft spot for. Let’s face it, this probably wouldn’t be a shipping list without including at least one Jaune ship, wouldn’t it?

The reason I ship Jaune with Neo is because I like the inversion of the “good-girl-meets-bad-boy” trope. Instead, we get a good boy meeting a bad girl who I think really helps bring out the wild side in Jaune.

Not at the level of committing crimes like Neo does, but in a more lax AU or shipping fan work, I’m really enamored with the idea of her letting Jaune not worry about being such a “good boi” or “bean” all the time because, I like Jaune, but that’s not all he has to be in fanon.

Perhaps what I’m trying to say is that Neo would be the right amount of crazy for Jaune to handle given how many ships he’s in with a couple of women and girls on the show who are associated with being a little nutty.

I just like Silent Knight. Simple.

And that is about it. I thought this would be a decent post to put out given my current bout of writer’s block, and I hope whoever comes across this list that you enjoyed reading it as I enjoyed writing about it.

Want me to make another? Lemme know, and I’ll see what I can do.

@laserdog10​ @lewdnepvasilias666​ @darksaiyangoku​ @becauseihaveyou​ @bssaz97​ @ezroar​ @the-blue-quetzalcoatl​ @rozanime​ @nix-nihil​ @kali-tmblr​

[suffering-and-happy-about-it]

Little Big Secrets (Sriracha, Part 16.)

Description:  A problematic college student gets the worst summer job of the ‘83 - Jim Hopper, the Chief of police in your hometown will have you as his secretary since his old lady Flo has two months lasting holiday. It was agreed so Hopper could let you far away from all the trouble.

Part Summary: Living on your own in a lonely trail in the middle of the woods was like a living a fairy tale. And the prince charming was taking good care of you.

A/N: I just want to say that the Murray Bauman scene leads to the "Get awaaaay from me" scene in season two since he gets mad at him.

Word count: 2.8 K

Tagging: @nemodoren​ @creedslove​

Master list: H E R E

It was a crazy idea... But somehow... You managed to make it work during September, so October was somehow even better. It took a while to accept the fact that Hopper leaves pretty early in the morning and comes back pretty late in the evening and that you have a whole day for yourself. You became Hopper's little secret no-one could find out about. And this time for real. You practically went under voluntary lock-down, sometimes leaving to Bloomington for groceries.

You had officially started the semester at the university of Hawkins, because the dean, Mr. Clarke, was your parents‘ good old friend. You straightaway lied to him - you told him that you have a really bad illness and that you had to stay in Hawkins because of that. Every Friday, you met up with Aiden, who gave you the homework professors were sending you and every Sunday, he came back for it. Your mother obviously tried to find out where you are and who do you live with now, but Aiden kept his mouth shut. 

He, in the end, was a proud younger brother, because not everyone had the balls to actually do something as bat shit crazy as you did. You were one crazy motherfucker and Aiden couldn't but adore you. You never took him near the trail, you never told him where you live at the time - he just knew that you're alive and well and that Hopper's looking after you. Honestly, that was everything Aiden needed to know. You definitely looked happy, clean, nicely dressed, which told him that the man wasn't abusing or hurting you; in fact, he was treating you like a damn princess.

Since Hopper was out most of the weekdays, you made a small pact - it was okay to go on a walk around the quarry or go to grocery shop in Bloomington to keep you socialized and not feeling isolated. In the end, Hopper wasn't holding you in his trail against your will and he made sure you're free to leave every time you wanted to. But you agreed that going into Hawkins would be a dumb idea. So you didn't ride your bike there.

Every day, Hopper rode home with an uneasy feeling in his chest - what if he would open up the door and you would be nowhere to be found? He slowly grew to accept and to look forward to the fact that every time he comes home, there's someone who will spend time him, who would ask him about his day and well being, who would care about the man under though jokes and swearing. And his heart was pounding rapidly every time his car turned to drive into the driveway in front of the trail.

But every time he stopped the engine, the lights were on and he saw you opening up the door, coming towards him with a big, lovely smile on your lips to kiss him and tell him that you've missed him there.

Sometimes he had to stay longer at the station. Every time, you promised him that you'd wait for him but every time he entered the door, you were dead asleep on the couch with your homework and books everywhere around you, or the book you've been currently reading on your thighs. Every time he saw you there, he didn't know how the hell he got so lucky because the laundry was always done, the trail was perfectly tidied up and there was a home-made cooked meal waiting for him. And you, a beautiful and smart young woman, were waiting for him to come home. He, of course, carried you to bed - he got pretty handy with that.

Your presence was a kind of personal talisman to him. Since you started being a part of his life, living with him and accepting the role of being his actual girlfriend, his usage of Tuinal was less and less frequent. You knew that sometimes, he took a pill but both of you sometimes sat down and drank a beer or two or smoked and it almost seemed that the demons inside his head are getting quieter and quieter.

Sometimes, he woke you both up when he had nightmares about Vietnam or Sara, but usually, as soon as he felt your body pressed into his, your lips whispering him sweet nothings and calming phrases, he really cooled down rather quickly. You made him talk. Every single time, you made him talk so you could understand better, hugging him the whole time.

And you never turned away. You were fighting those demons by his side, not leaving him in the dark for a minute. You went to sleep only when he said that he's ready to go to sleep as well, sometimes distracting him with making him make love to you.

Nights of furious fucking were mostly far behind you; except when you had a shower together, which was almost every other morning before he left for the station. The nights spent away in his bed now felt more emotional, deeper than ever before. He could last for hours when he was in the right mood, not missing a single opportunity to eat you out as if he hadn't got a chance to do so in weeks.

Sometimes you argued, because every normal couple did, and honestly, he knew better than arguing with you since you got into his head in no time every single time. He could pinpoint name the moment when he had an argument coming his way - you had a long ass monologue, ending it with a mocking question. Sometimes you told him that he's a jerk (and many other names you could think of), sometimes he told you that you're just a small girl and brat, but usually, the arguments were thrown out of the window in no time as Hopper undressed you and fucked you literally everywhere he could - on the terrace, on the dinner table, in the waters of the quarry, on the couch, on the ground, literally everywhere.

Needless to say, you had your demons as well, you just wanted to live in the fairytale for a little longer - your mother was reporting you missing every other Friday and Hopper pretended to look for you meanwhile having you in his trail.

"Chief. Chief! Mr. Hopper!" - Your mother called out at him the first time, running after him as soon as he parked his car in front of the station. He was terrified for a second. Did she know? Did she find out? Did she know what you two were up to and that, in fact, you're in a secret relationship?

If she did, he was fucked up in the butt. Hopper, as every grown-up man, did know that one day comes to a really embarrassing situation. That day when you both will have to say it out loud, to tell the secret to your parents, to your friends, his co-workers, people in the town... And Hopper was sincerely afraid of that day. Yet, when she looked at him with her face completely clueless, he understood that she doesn't know. To be honest, he was terrified of the day she finds out.

He was sure that he castrates him in the most horrendous way possible and that even you, no matter how bat shit crazy or tough you were, won't stop her from doing so.

"Mrs. Y/L/N. What happened? Is everythin' alrite?" - Hopper asked worriedly, pulling the best acting so he could just lead her into his office. Flo immediately knew that it's your mother and her look was definitely concerned. His co-workers liked you, you were a little sunshine. What if something happened to you?

When your mom sat down in his office, he took a deep breath in, offering her a cup of coffee or water. She accepted the water, gulping it down in no time at all.

"It's about my daughter. Do you remember her? She was helping you out at the station during the summer." - She asked. Hopper could see that it's breaking her heart.

Do you mean that sweet little baby girl who's cooking and making laundry at my trail? The beast who makes me fold every piece of my damn clothes? That angel who stays up with me until I'm not too scared to go back to sleep? You mean that sunshine who screams my name and moans so loud that you have to hear it here in Hawkins? He could ask all of these questions, instead, he went...

"Yeah, the annoyin' kiddo who threw up on my Blazer. Hard to forget. What happened to her? Is she alrite?" - He asked seriously, showing some actual concern. He was playing on really thin ice. One dumb joke or wrong word and she knows where you're at and with who you're living.

"She ran away. She was supposed to study in Indianapolis, but she called me and told me that she decided to stay in Hawkins. She's living with someone, but... I'm just concerned, you know, Chief? What if anything happened to her?" - She asked with tears in her eyes. Aiden told her million times that you're alright and doing well and your father told her that you're a damn adult and you can do whatever you want to. If you fell in love and stayed in Hawkins, damn, you had every right to do so. He loved you no matter what. Only your mother was paranoid and scared out of her mind.

"I'm afraid that I can't take any actions against this, ma'am. She's a legal adult, she has the right to live her life the way she finds appropriate." - Hopper said, crossing his arms on his chest. That was right. You were an adult who could actually decide what you're going to do with your life.

"I know, I know... But, Chief, I beg you. If you or your colleagues see her and talk to her, please, tell her to come home. We miss her." - She leaned in to hold his shoulder with honesty and before Hopper could answer something, she stormed out of the office.

Powell, Callahan, and Florence asked about your well being because of course, they did.

"She ran away? Wow." - Callahan answered honestly while Jim leaned his ass into the counter in their office while eating Flo's homemade pie. - "She never seemed to be the type to do so."

"Come on, you shit head, I know you wanted to ask her out. You're just surprised that someone has done it first." - Powell hummed from his crosswords and that caught Jim's attention.

"You were pinning after that kiddo, Callahan?" - He asked rather quietly, showing some actual disgust. Any of the men had a clue that he's pissed because you're his girlfriend, they just figured out he's pissed about Callahan so blatantly speaking up about crush on an actual student.

"She's a really fine woman and I'm a simple man, what can I say, boss? She's smart, damn cute and can bake the best pies in Hawkins. No offense, Flo." - Callahan looked at the old lady who furrowed at him.

"I just hope that she's fine. She was more responsible than the three of you combined." - She told him and focused on another book in her hands, this time a book about gardening. And yes, she was probably right.

"I hope she comes back one day. No matter who that guy is, I bet she would be happier with me." - Callahan said courageously and Hopper grinned at that claim.

As he walked back to his office, he mumbled Keep on dreaming, lover boy, but not quietly enough, so Powell heard him and pretty much chuckled at that. That day, Murray Bauman also took the station by a surprise, storming directly into Hopper's office.

He was talking and talking while Jim just spaced out, his mind stuck on one thing - giving you a nasty call on his personal line to assure himself that men like Callahan won't even get near you. But at one moment, Murray just slapped his desk to bring Hopper back.

"Can you, at least for a moment, stop thinking about sex and pay attention to what I'm saying?" - He asked rather politely, making Hopper rather uncomfortable and unable to speak.

"Excuse me, Murray?" - Hopper asked back unbelievably, staring Murray down.

"I said that no matter what chick's on your mind, you have to let it go for a while. She obviously has some good influence over you, I'm sure she has to be great, but I have some really alarming information for you." - Bauman hissed at Hopper ironically, making him not uncomfortable, but straightaway mad at him. - "I told you I saw a UFO flying by Hawkins middle school earlier this morning!"

"Out of my damn office, now." - Hopper muttered out and massaged his nose. Murray hasn't moved an inch, so Hopper stood up, ready to help him out of that damn chair. - "I said get out of my fuckin' office immediately." - Hopper hissed back and this time, Murray left in no time at all.

Hopper could ignore your mom for the first two Fridays she came to beg him. But when she came the fourth time, he knew that you both need to talk about it already. You had to tell her no matter how much it will change your relationship. He was encouraging himself for almost an hour before he turned right at you while you sang Talking In Your Sleep while cleaning up the dishes.

"Baby, I think we need to talk somethin'." - He mumbled into the back of your neck, gripping one of his shirts you stolen in his hands, pressing his body on yours. It was still fascinating him - you were so small, gentle, lovely and adorable and yet you chose him from all the boys that you could have.

"Something on your mind?" - You whispered back, turning around to sit on the countertop next to the sink, hugging his waist with your knees. - "Do you want me to change the washing powder again?" - You hummed while untucking his shirt so you could unbutton it and kiss his chest. You were one greedy creature and honestly, Hopper couldn't have enough of it.

It made him properly terrified when you got your period for the first time in his presence. You were grumpy, in pain and curled up into a small ball. Hopper did his best to brighten up your mood - he bought you ice-cream and candy, made you his Triple-Decker Eggos Extravaganza just the way he loved it, brew you cups of coffee the whole weekend, but you still seemed to hate him every minute of your period.

Although, when you hadn't got the red alarm going on, you were the most nuzzling and caring creature he has ever seen. And now, you were distracting him with fucking, again. But he let you continue and watch your lips slowly kissing every inch of his chest you could reach.

"It's about your mom." - Jim whispered and caressed your temple as your fingertips slid down to the hem of his jeans.

"What about my mom?" - You hummed back, working on his belt. You never fucked on the countertop. It was an inconvenient place to do so, but you were willing to try everything.

"This needs to end, baby. You have to tell her." - Jim said in a serious tone, pinning your wrists to the wall, leaning in to kiss you properly.

"Of course." - You whispered back when he let you catch your breath. - "I was thinking about next Wednesday, dinner at their place. How does that sound, big guy?" - You moaned when you felt as he spread your legs even wider than before. There was definitely hot fucking on the countertop coming your way.

"Will you tell them about all of this? About us?" - He asked a bit worriedly as you wiggled in your wrists to slide the shirt off his wide shoulders.

"You can correct me if I won't. You're coming with me." - You mumbled when he took off your shirt and smiled as his hands palmed your breasts, playing with the nipples. - "You have to keep her from... Oh my Lord... From killing me."

"Do you think she won't kill us both, huh?" - Hopper hummed back as he leaned in to slowly kiss a trail down your chest.

"Let's hope she won't." - You breathed out before your panties disappeared and Hopper got on his knees.

[whatnotmemes]

---------------------MELANIE MARTINEZ K-12 SENTENCE STARTERS change pronouns as needed. nsfw and language. possible triggers including violence, sexual abuse, eating disorders, and minor drug usage.

WHEELS ON THE BUS “I'm just looking out the window.” “I'm trying not to look across the aisle.” “Trying to ignore it, it's fucking boring.” “I'm saying nothing.” “No one's watching us- don't give a fuck.” “Puff‚ puff and pass it.” “Don't be a dick and babysit. C'mon, just pass it over here.”

CLASS FIGHT “It was the middle of class and the teacher wasn't looking.” “I fell in love with him, but he wasn't in my life.” “She  was kissin' _____, I got jelly.” “I  wanted to be in her shoes for one day.” “Why do I feel sad?” “Should I give him away or feel this bad?” "No, no, no, don't you choke." “Go for the throat.” “Her face was fucked up and my hands were bloody.” “My one true love called me a monster.”

THE PRINCIPAL “What if I had told your mother her son was a cruel motherfucker?” “It’s not just me, it's everybody who thinks that you're fucking ugly.” “I've tried to make you listen, but you won't.” “All you want is cash and hype.” “Fuck all of your rules and guidelines.” “Can't you see that we're all hurting?” “Excuse me, how much are you earning?” “You don't know the pain that you are causing.” “Your actions hurt, so do your words.” “The more you try to fuck us over we will be there yelling at your front door.”

SHOW & TELL “Tell me you love me, but you treat me like I'm never there.” “You say the cruelest words, and yes, they break my heart.” "I'm over here working my ass off.” “I'm just like you, you're like me.” “Imperfect and human are we.” “I'm on display for all you fuckers to see.” “Art don't sell unless you've fucked every authority.” “It's really hard for me to say just how I feel.” “I'm scared that I'll get thrown away like a banana peel.” “Why can't you fucking hear me?” “Are you listening yet?”

NURSE’S OFFICE “I’m coughing. I’m bleeding.” “Band-Aids won't heal it.” “They hate me.” “I’m faking all of this so they take me home.” “This is old.” “I'm tired of wishing I was ditching.” “This bitch behind me is cutting my hair.” “I faked up a seizure and left then and there.”

DRAMA CLUB “Everyone's so soft, everyone's so sensitive.” “Do I offend you?” “I'ma take a bow so you can kiss my ass.” “I never signed up for your drama.” “They try to feed you lines that you have to memorize.” “Do you even have a brain?” “You're faking all your pain.” “I don't wanna be an actress, living by a script.” “Who cares about practice?” “I don’t give a shit.” “You're over-analyzing every word I say.”

STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE “Feeling unsure of my naked body.” “Wondering why I don't look like Barbie.” “My mama's preaching to make sure I'm pure.” “I never really cared about this shit before.” “Got boys acting like they ain't seen skin before.” “Got sent home to change 'cause my skirt is too short.” “That's my bad, no one told them not to grab.” “The boys want a taste of the strawberry shortcake.” “People all around me are watching closely.” “It's how I look and not what I think.” “I'm stuffing my bra so that mine look the best.” “Instead of making me feel bad for the body I got just teach him to keep it in his pants and tell him to stop.” “Just teach him to keep it in his pants and tell him to stop.” “Stop saying it’s my fault.”

LUNCHBOX FRIENDS “Hey, girl, will you sit with me?” “We can be friends if you want to be.” “We can be friends if you want to be but only 'til the clock hits three.” “After lunch, we can walk to class.” “Talk about the boys that we want to smash.” “After that I'll ignore your ass.” “They talk shit though.” “I want someone who understands.” “Come to my house, let’s die together.” “That isn't the life for me.” “People have high expectations of me.” “Wanna be my best friend, then judge me if I smoke a little weed.” “Makes no fucking sense to me.”

ORANGE JUICE “Stick it down your throat.” “Fooling those around of your bulimia.” “Your body is imperfectly perfect.” “Everyone wants what the other one's working.” “Please say that you won't continue ordering oranges off the menu.” “Please say that you won't continue stuffing up your mouth with tissue.” “The way you look is not an issue.” “I wish I could give you my set of eyes 'cause I know your eyes ain't working.” “I wish I could tell you that you're fine.”

DETENTION “I'm not a bad guy.” “Don’t treat me bad if I'm feeling sad, alright?” “If I fuck up my words, don't think I'm absurd.” “I'm physically exhausted.” “You're too busy seeking selfish wishes.” “I can feel your blood pressure rise.” “Fuck this tension.” “Let me crawl up into your mind.” “Pretending everything’s alright is detention.” “Fuck how I feel as long as I make money.” “They let them do whatever they want to me.” “They're the customer, I’m chopped meat.”

TEACHER’S PET “Caught the teacher giving his eyes to a student.” “He's fucking in sin.” “It's for all the right reasons, baby.” “If I pass this quiz, will you give me your babies?” “Don't call me crazy.” “You love me, but you won't come save me.” “Don't know why you even need me." “If I'm so special, why am I secret?” “Do you regret the things we shared that I'll never forget?” “I know I'm young, but my mind is well beyond my years.” “I knew this wouldn’t last.” “Fuck you, don't you leave me here.” “She's feeling like a spider in a cage.” “You were her desire now she wants to light you on fire.” “Fuck it, she'll still give you a call.” “Didn't learn a damn thing, honey, from you, except how to lie and cheat.” “You don't own me, do you? I bet you think you do. Well, you don't.”

HIGH SCHOOL SWEETHEARTS “Can we just be honest?” “These are the requirements if you think you can be my one and only true love.” “You must promise to love me.” “If you fuck me over I will rip your fucking face apart.” “You must accept that I'm a little out my mind.” “This is a waste if you can't walk me down the finish line.” “Give me passion.” “If you can't handle a heart like mine don't waste your time with me.” “If you can't handle the choking, the biting, the loving, the smothering till you can't handle it no more, go home.” “Shut up if you're not my type.” “You can't be scared to show me off and hold my hand.” “If you can't put in the work, I don't know what you think this fucking is.” “If you cheat, you will die.” “Could you hold me through the night?” “Could you be my first time?” “Make me not wanna die.” “Don't be a waste of my time.”

RECESS “I was too young to see the truth.” “If you need a break, someone'll take your place.” “Don't let them fuck you, honey.” “Don't let them hurt you, baby.” "Recess- I'm tired." “Everything I wanted has come to fruition.” “I should be happy but I can't get out my bed.” “Stressing 'bout the voices screaming inside my head.” “Where has my time gone and my mind gone?” “I can't find euphoria.” “When I get upset, I think in my head back to what she said.”

[normal-thoughts-official]

Ok a more specific prompt, coffee shop au with Malec and claia 😌

this is nowhere near specific and you damn well know it, anon. i appreciate u trying to find an excuse to throw coffee shop aus everywhere, tho. keep doing the lord's work even if i will inevitably twist the prompt

Magnus works at a small, local coffee shop as a barista. It's not exactly his #1 job choice, but it pays better than big chain coffee shops and he needs that to pay rent now that he officially left his abusive father's home for good. Also, he is kind of a coffee enthusiast and the owner, Ragnor, lets him go wild with making up new drinks and ingredients, as long as he still does his job.

All in all it's a good job and he considers the old fart and the other barista, maia, to be like family. Ragnor frequently gives them coffee and Maia constantly teases him about being a "coffee scientist" whenever she catches him thoughtfully drinking from a cup and scribbling notes on his notepad, like some ancient being

His recipes are good, though, and he knows exactly where to get the best coffee beans for the best price. So their drinks are good, affordable, and can please everyone from the traditional "black coffee no sugar" exec to the teenager who wants more of a milkshake than actual coffee

As a result, the shop thrives, gets more popular, and gets more clients. So Ragnor decides to hire a new barista to help. Because he's secretly a sweetheart, he ends up hiring this broke college kid who just moved into town to get away from his kinda toxic family and has nowhere to go - and also doesnt have a single ounce of experience as a barista

It's not surprising; both Magnus and Maia share similar stories, with some abusive exes to spice up the mix, not to mention racism, biphobia, and, in Magnus case, male behavior standarts keeping most opportunities closed for them. So they're cool with that. Even if it means Magnus will have to be the one to teach him, because 1- Ragnor is a dick and assigned him to be Alec's special "tutor" as retribution for Magnus calling him "an old, heart of butter bastard"; 2- he's the one who's best qualified to teach him since he knows a lot about coffee and coffee making anyway; 3- Maia has no patience

Quick detour just to say that i love the maia/magnus brotp opportunities this gives. While Magnus is more of a coffee scientist as she puts it, Maia has an almost instictive understanding of drink making. Where Magnus is soft, she's fierce, and they make one hell of a team and are good at balancing one another. They bond over their experiences with abuse; while Magnus' has made him afraid to put his foot down and say what he wants and prioritize himself, Maia's has made her particularly wary of people and even less willing to take anyone's bullshit, and both of these coping mechanisms have their own effects on their psyche, and they're able to talk openly to each other about it. Maia is kind of protective of Magnus and vice-versa, though the way they protect each other is very different. They have an easy companionship and bantering dynamic that's easygoing and cute, theyre both passionate about their interests (Maia loves marine biology and even if Magnus doesnt know much about it he loves listening to her talk about it) and just generally have that kind of relationship where just smiling at each other makes a tough day seem lighter. Also Magnus loves making Maia laugh. Maia blatantly refuses to laugh at any of his self-deprecating jokes, tho, which has considerably diminished the amount of times he makes them

Anyway Alec comes in for his first day and Magnus is like [REDACTED] because shit this man is cute. Maia notices immediately and from then on the teasing doesn't stop

He's quick to recover, tho, and suddenly he's all smooth again (Maia says he's perfected his customer service persona to horror movie levels), quick to introduce himself and Maia to Alec and explain that he'll be training Alec for the next few weeks or so. He gives him a tour of the shop, explains the basics, and immediately launches into his slightly extra More Serious Than Strictly Necessary course on the makings and workings of coffee, from bean selection to ideal temperature and the chemistry behind the cooking.

This absolute dork even had a small table with some coffee made from different kinds of beans so Alec could taste them and learn the difference and Engage with the profession or some shit

Maia just rolls her eyes, thankful that she had prior experience before getting this job and didnt have to go through this

The first thing he learns about Alec: Alec doesn't like coffee. This is not a setback. Many people dont like coffee, but that's because they're used to regular powdered coffee instead of making it from the bean. Because the beans in powdered coffee arent previously selected, they are roasted harder than they should, so any beans that might have gone bad wont spoil the taste or make you sick. As a result, the coffee is way too bitter and doesn't have a discernible taste. He explains all of this enthusiastically to a slightly overwhelmed Alec, and gets on to making him try the samples so he can feel the difference.

Here's the second thing he learns about Alec: Alec doesn't feel the difference

Despair. Horror. Offense.

Alec even kind of chuckles and goes "sorry" at the face he makes, and a not-pouting Magnus goes on with the planned explanation on bean selection

Third thing he learns about Alec: he's a quick study. Everything he lacks in sensibility to the amazing world of bean juice, he makes up for in his careful attentiveness to the instructions. He is also a strict recipe-follower and makes sure he always uses the exact amounts required. He's an absolute perfectionist. He listens to Magnus' explanations on how to know if the taste is right, to look for color and texture of the mix. Magnus tries his simple coffees and only needs a few corrections to send him on the right path

The first time Alec makes him something more complicated to try (per his request) Magnus wants to die

It's so good

Scratch that, it's perfect

This soulless motherfucker doesn't even like coffee and this is the single best version of whatever crazy frapuccino shit they're making magnus has ever tried

He kind of bursts from the kitchen (?) all like MAIA YOU HAVE TO TRY THIS just in time to interrupt her chatting with this redhead new customer with shiny eyes. Maia is leaning all the way across the counter. What is this

Maia agrees that it's very good but again he's not as passionate about coffee and Magnus just interrupted what would have been a really smooth number-giving move so she's not feeling all that generous

Alec just laughs at that. His eyes are shining with amusement and he's very, very pleased that Magnus likes his stuff

It's not a big secret, really; mixing drinks is kind of like patisserie in the sense that the measures need to be exact to achieve the best taste and texture. He follows the recipe to a fault, it turns out good. That's why he's better at the more complicated, instagram-y drinks than the simple coffee types

Alec "graduates" his training pretty soon after that and Ragnor is very pleased

He gets along well with both Magnus and Maia, even if he's more quiet and sometimes catches himself just laughing at the two of them interact; their friendship is something else. But he also gets to hear a "shut up" from Maia after not saying absolutely anything when the redhead walks in again the very next day

The redhead always comes in a little late in the morning, so its always slow. As a result, they get to pretend to be minding their own business as they hear the two of them chat and oof is the romantic tension between them something. Maia glares at them once the girl - Clary - leaves every time, but it doesn't stop them

Soon Maia is calling them "no-good gossiping grandmas" because of the way Magnus and Alec will go to the back and pretend to be making something while they keep a whispered running commentary on what the girls are talking about. This quickly turns into some sort of race to see who can make the other break and laugh out loud. Neither of them ever do (they are trying to be discreet and Maia would kill them) but oftentimes they need to cover their mouths with their hands and playfully slap each other for the teasing

Clary doesn't even realize she's the reason; she kind of just thinks they are constantly flirting on the back and briefly wonders how they havent been fired when all they do is whisper and make eyes at each other

Not that she has any room to talk when she's late to work everyday because she keeps cracking jokes with the cute curly haired barista with the most beautiful lopsided smile who always makes her laugh and tells her about her day while she drinks her coffee. She's lucky her work starts at 10 so she can go in a little later and doesnt have to be there during rush hours, but still

She doesnt even like coffee, she walked in one day cuz she was really tired and then just kept coming in the hopes that the barista would make a move on her (shes not gonna do it herself, at least not in her workplace. She doesn't want to make her uncomfortable and it's still unclear whether the girl is flirting or if shes just really nice)

At some point she and Maia even start sharing knowing looks to Alec and Magnus and laughing at them. They don't even notice, because their designated Making Fun Of Maia time turned into just cracking jokes at each other way too quickly. They don't even remember there are other people there

Maia does finally ask clary out eventually. She wasn't exactly nervous about doing it, it's more that she enjoyed their little routine. But enough is enough, and when their routine starts involving Clary giving her a quick kiss before placing her order, well, it just makes it better

Magnus and Alec coo every time

Eventually Maia snaps all like "why are you guys the one poking fun at me when im the one who made a move instead of being a coward"

Magnus is all like "Whatever could she possibly mean??"

It dawns on him when hes closing up the next day and Alec has already left. He has a crush on Alec. Oh god. Oh fuck

Maia helpfully says "idiot" and leaves

Some Magnus being very nervous and overthinking his relationship with Alec who's all like ???????? about this

Alec goes to his sister about his new crush who suddenly started acting weird and izzy is all like "stop trying to guess what he's thinking because you're terrible at this. Just tell them how you feel" and Alec is like okay

He asks Magnus out

Everyone is happy and gay idk the end

✨ feel free to use this and any other one of my posts as a prompt ✨

[cyanidefilledcandy]

So, gonna be talking about some sensitive stuff right now...

I am extremely and beyond frustrated right now.

So, the other day, I made a mistake a butt-dialed my sister’s phone while I was at work. (Note: I work overnight.) Later that day, I get a call back from her. I was planning on telling her I made a mistake and whatnot, but instead, a guy answers with a “Who is this?”

This is one of my BIGGEST pet peeves. Do NOT call MY phone and ask me “Who is this?” Regardless of if I called first or what, you don’t have to be rude. I’ve had people mistakenly call me before. And so, I would call back like “Hey. How are you? I got a message or call from this phone. May I ask who this is.” Like, it’s not hard to not be a fucking asshole. So, I responded with “Who is this?!” And they got quiet before hanging up. 

At first, I’m wondering if her phone got stolen, so I call my mom to find out. But, before she even picks up, it dons on me that maybe it was her baby daddy, and naturally, I’m wondering why he has her phone and I immediately land on the answer. If it was indeed him, he probably thought I was some guy or something stupid, if my sister didn’t have my number saved. So, I call my mom who confirms that her phone wasn’t stolen to her knowledge. Then we call my sister and my mom hangs up. 

I asked my sister if he had her phone and at first she’s like “No. We don’t go through each other’s phones like that” because I do have her old number in my phone and never deleted it. Then she adds “I reckon...” That gives me pause. And then she informs me that her phone has been deleting numbers and contacts, etc. (which thinking about it now, I’m starting to have suspicions about...) I’m boiling, one because I hate being hung up on and two, I’m starting to see shady shit. Going through someone’s phone, especially when they are not around is WAY overstepping a boundary. And two, why the fuck would he have her phone when she’s at work alone without a car, and WORSE, I would find out...

So, my sister says she’ll check with him and I tell her to warn him to never hang up in my face again. She gives a little nervous laugh and I let her get back to work. I start to message him and tell him myself that I don’t care how he treats other women, including my sister, he’s GOING to respect me, but hold off on it. (Though, I’m still considering it.) 

Fast forward to today, I talk to my mom who asks me had I heard from her and if she was alright, which I did. She video called last night. Long story short, my mom was babysitting my niece yesterday and didn’t have any food, so she asked my sister if she could go and get the card from BD, which....

My sister tells her that he’s at the job he supposedly lost months ago (they both seem to have forgotten she already said he “lost” the job). So, my mom drives there only to be informed that he doesn’t work for them anymore (big shock). My sister then tells my mom that he works in a different department and...

ALSO, not only does he apparently have her phone and her food stamp card, but also has her BANK card, and.... I’m so pissed and over this situation.

This guy has never been any amount of good. He doesn’t work. Has a car he never lets my sister use. Doesn’t even watch his own kid (or spend time with her from what I’ve seen and heard). Used their kid to claim her on her taxes, which he didn’t tell anyone about and didn’t give my sister OR the kid a cent. And acts like he’s SUCH an important part of my sister’s life and that she would just be LOST without him. Again, he doesn’t work at all and my sister has family out the ass she can go to. My sister got her apartment. She and my family furnished her apartment completely. This guy didn’t do shit. She doesn’t NEED him at all. 

At first, I thought the dude was just a deadbeat, but now I’m starting to see he’s an abuser. Even before then, my sister wanted to move up here to make a better life for she and my niece and he whined that “she was taking his daughter from him”. Honestly, I should’ve seen the signs early on. But, now it’s so blatantly obvious and I’m just not at all here for it.

I know exactly where this is going and if she doesn’t get out now, it’s going to get to a point where she will not be able to. But, I also know that abuse victims absolutely will not leave their partners no matter how bad things get until they’re ready for it. And my sister’s smart. I know she sees what’s going on. At first, I thought she was afraid of her child growing up without her parents in the same household because she knows how my parents’ divorce affected her. Now, I’m starting to wonder if she might be afraid. She’s kicked him out twice and he’s sobbed to get her to take him back, but still... The guy is HUGE, so maybe she really is...even though my mom and her husband live less than 5 minutes away from her and my mom’s husband, even through his bullshit, does think of us, my sister especially, as his daughters and is pretty street hard, so....he’d fight for her. My mom would kill for her. My mom literally stabbed someone in the head for yelling with my sister in the room. (Note, this person was not yelling AT my sister...just with her in the room....and my mom stabbed her....in the head...) My dad and most of his siblings are ex military, he, at least, is armed and very over protective. (It took me three whole days for me to talk him down from killing the people who attacked me.) And then there’s me...

I’ve always been protective of my sister and I’m honestly at a point in my life where....I just don’t care. 

So, speaking of that....when she calls me tonight and i make sure the phone is in her hands and he’s not around, I’m just going to be frank with her. Again, I’m at a point in my life where I don’t care to tiptoe around people’s feelings. I don’t care to bullshit. I’m going to tell her straight up that this is abusive behavior and she needs to get out NOW. Because it’s only going to escalate from here and it’s going to get to a point where either she can’t escape or he’s going to kill her or my niece (which God and Satan and every other deity in the universe help him if he does). If she wants to leave and she’s scared to, all she has to do is say the word. She doesn’t have to say or pack anything. I will be down there to get her and her baby and drive them back up here. If she’s scared he’ll hurt my mom, my mom can come with us. Hell, she’s not doing anything in that shitty town anyway except for being miserable. We can go back at a later date with my dad and we’ll pack up all of their stuff and get a storage room until we can do better. 

God in Heaven knows I want to leave this fucking state, but if it comes to the point where we have to get an apartment here, then so fucking be it. And if that motherfucker even LOOKS like he wants to do something, I will light his ass up like a house during Christmas.

Again....I’m at the point now where I don’t care... I hesitated to kill the fuckers who attacked me because I didn’t want my stepmom to come home to find her daughter dead. Because I loved my stepmom more than I hated her bitch daughter (and believe me when I say that is saying a LOT, and not just because of what they did to me). Lo and behold, they’re still here today and out of jail to abuse their children for another decade. I also once had a friend tell me that, though I had the desire, I didn’t really have it in me to kill someone when my sister was seeing a pedophile. I think he was right...back then. I swear....that hesitation is not there anymore. Even right now, it’s taking everything in me not to just borrow some money from my friend, head down there now, and put several bullets in him right now. Literally everything in me. And I don’t give a fuck if my sister and niece hate me for the rest of their lives. I really, really don’t. I love them more than I hate him, true enough, but that’s exactly why I won’t hesitate to put that fucker down....because I know in the end, they’ll be better off. The world would be better off. And I know I’m not God and I have no right to make that decision, but if the alternative is my sister and niece wind up hurt or dead, then oh well. I’ll go to Hell for that...

It’s funny....I had a dream when my niece was first born that my niece got killed, he was responsible for it, and my sister was in denial about the whole thing. I chalked it to just a crazy dream, but....

But, anyway, I’m going to lay it on the table for my sister. I know she’s not going to want to hear it. She’s going to get pissed off. She’ll ignore it. She may even hate me. But, it’s going to drive me insane if I don’t at least say my piece. (And yes. I will tell her to make sure she deletes it when she’s done reading; I’m not an idiot.) But, maybe if the seed is there, and maybe if I remind her that she does indeed have options, then she’ll wisen up before it’s too late. Maybe not now....but before it’s too late. 

Sorry for the length (to anyone who actually read this until the end), but I just had to get this all out. Again, I’m so pissed and frustrated and holding back the urge to commit murder without probable cause, so I feel like I’m going to explode, and I want to just kill myself because I can’t handle the idea of my sister and niece being hurt, or the fact that my sister is smarter than this and that she likely won’t listen to what I have to say and.....I’m just tired. I’m tired of the world.

People act like it’s so hard to just be decent fucking people and then the ones who refuse to listen to reason and keep themselves in a shitty situation, and I’m just tired of caring about people more than they care about themselves. And I’m tired of caring about everything so deeply and being powerless to do anything about anything and I just have no idea what to do with these pent up feelings right now, other than violence (either against someone else or against myself). I’ve tried drawing, but that didn’t help. Maybe this blog will at least calm me down to the point where I don’t feel so impulsively and manically violent, though....

[pinkalexlive]

I swung, aiming for surprise, directing the iron at the skull.

It caught the iron mid-swing.  I tried to wrench the weapon free and failed.

Another hand emerged from beneath the hides.  I had to let go of the weapon and back away before it could claw at me.

It took a half-step forward to follow.  It dropped the tire iron onto the road, where the snow muffled the sound.

Blake you can’t fight this with a stick so please run before you die and also get Rose more hurt maybe. Is this what got Molly?

“How does this end, then?” I asked.  “We wait out here by the side of the road until I freeze to death?”

I paced, watching how it followed.  The knobby, long-fingered hand came out as I drew too close.

There was a hint of hysteria in my voice as I spoke, “Can’t go forward, can’t go back.  I won’t go left.   Will you let me go right?”

I like that he’s talking in the middle of this. Makes no sense, I’d be breathing hard at least, but I like it.

The hop hadn’t inspired a sudden attack.  Briefly turning my back, too, seemed like it was fairly safe.

That in mind, when I found flat ground under my feet again, I ran.

SMART BLAKE YES

“Rose,” I gasped out the name.  I fumbled for the mirror, but my hands were frozen.  I got a grip on the bar that was supposed to fix the mirror to the ceiling and pulled it out.

“-here.”

Her voice was faint, tiny, and muffled, cutting off as though someone had reached out to muffle her.

ROSE IS ALIVE YES

I could feel a sick feeling in my gut, a combination of fear, despair, and the exhaustion of running.

I saw a figure up ahead, through the tree cover.

A quick glance back showed me the other one was still following.  Closing the gap.

“Hello!” I called out, and I was surprised at how hoarse my voice was, my throat made raw by the heavy breathing of frozen, dry air.  “Help me!”

The figure pushed through the cover of branches.

A bird skull, a covering of overlapping hides, bleached white and stained, and a heavy wreath of branches around the neck and shoulders, like a nest.

And there goes my good mood. Oooh no.

There, in the distance, in a gap between neat rows of trees.  A third, with the hides forming a hood over the bird skull.  Shorter than the others.

Bad bad bad

“Rose,” I said.

I heard only a whisper of a noise.  I wiped the mirror against the side of my leg, mid-run.

Bad bad bad bad bad

I came face to face with another of the bird-skulls, not looking carefully enough for the white skull and white hides against the snowy background.  It clawed at me, backhanded, and dashed the mirror out of my hands.  I fell, a result of the combined impact, pain and surprise, landing just beside the flecks of blood he’d clawed from my hand.  My glove was cut, the skin around it exposed, and a line of blood was nestled in the center.  Bewildered, I watched as the skin parted and joined together, as I opened and closed my hand.

Okay Blake I know that you are amazing but now is not the time to admire yourself

No mirror, no Rose.

WAIT WHAT

It clawed at me, backhanded, and dashed the mirror out of my hands.

NO

Were they wanting me to try to cross?  Was that the plan?

I sat by the bank instead.

I looked at the bird masks that had gathered formed a loose three-quarter circle around me.

“This okay with you bastards?” I asked.  “Can I sit?  You like this?”

The hides flapped in the wind.

“Motherfuckers,” I said.  I moved my hands up to my armpits, squishing them beneath my arms.  I could feel the pain in my wounded hand.  My cheek felt tight where I’d been scratched.

Blake: I want to run

Deerbirds: Run that way

Blake: Okay now I will not do that

“Please tell me reflections in water work too.”

“Yeah,” she responded.

Alright, so not everything’s fucked! That’s good!

“Does it matter?  I think those orders are why they’re behaving this way.  Barring my path to keep me from certain areas.  Driving me away from shelter, wearing me out.”

“They want plausible deaths.”

That means we have a smart antagonist for a smart protagonist... I’m ready for sassy Sherlock and also sassy Sherlock vs Deerbird Moriarty!

“Not sure how I’m supposed to do that,” I said.  I sighed, and my teeth chattered as the air passed through my lips.  “All I can figure is they don’t want to claw me to death.”

“Molly was clawed to death,” Rose said.

I closed my eyes.

Blake: Okay that’s neat Rose but could you please keep those thoughts to yourself thanks

Alternatively,

Blake: *inhale* boi.

I forced myself to my feet.  I was shaking, now.

“What are you thinking?” she asked.

“I’m not,” I said.  “I just hate sitting still.”

“You need a plan.”

“Any fucking ideas?” I asked.

Man, it’s only been two chapters but I’m so invested in Blake. I know he won’t die here but I am really scared it will happen anyway.

Maybe that’s the blogging’s fault?

The three-masked one slowly removed one mask from its shoulder.

It dawned on me.

That mask was going to be mine.

One of those is Molly. Calling it.

“I’ll take a guess, if you have to give me one, Rose.  Just lie convincingly.  I’ll lose heart if I don’t buy it.”

“Your three o’clock,” she said.

Nothing more.  No details.  No explanation on why it was the right direction.

Right.

I always love the chemistry between clones. It’s always unique but similar, and this is no different.

Each step was a careful one as I made my way towards the middle of the pond.  I transferred my weight with care, doing my best to avoid putting too much weight on one point at once.  The three-masked one moved to cut me off, keeping me on the ice.

I heard the faintest cracking sounds.  Around me, not them.

I made a beeline straight for three-masks.

Oh boy oh boy oh boy oh boy oh-

Woman’s hands, oddly enough, with flecks of nail polish still on one.  Wizened, worn, abused, with bits of nail splintered off where they had maybe scraped violently against something.

Grandma Rose?

The ice didn’t break beneath them.  My heart sank.

I collided head-on with three-masks, and felt her stab at my shoulders through my coat, clawing through fabric with no heed for her own well being.  Frenzied, violent and noisy after the almost tranquil quiet.

Are they ghosts? Wendigos? Some other horrible creature? Either way, they don’t ‘properly’ exist physically.

In one motion, full-body, I managed to heave it about three feet.  I watched it bounce off the ice and slide, uselessly, towards the middle of the spread out bird-masks.

It lay there for a good ten seconds before the ice broke.  I watched as the things plunged into the water.

Yay! Something worked!

Leaving me with only two to deal with.

I ran, fueled by desperation.

I ran, fueled by the adrenaline that pain was dumping into my body.  Through shock and fear.  Nothing conserved, nothing saved.

Thick trees tore at me, costing me my toque.  My frozen hand and foot were throbbing, now, and my injured hand was so cold I couldn’t open my fist.

NOT THE TOQUE! Saddest death so far. Rip toque, enjoy clothes heaven with scarf.

I found the end of the trees.  A strip of snow.  A line of road.

Squat, short buildings, and a sign reading ‘truck inspection area’.

Headlights flared in my field of vision, blindingly bright.

I staggered forward, collapsing onto my hands and knees.  I could hear a vehicle’s door open.

I’d say Blake is safe but I’m feeling more paranoid than he is.

“Good god, man,” a deep voice said.  “What the hell did you get yourself into?”

I thought about explaining, about the others.  I’d sound crazy.

I thought about making an excuse, saying I was chased by some delinquent kids.  It would get the police involved, and it would delay me.

“Car broke down,” I said, a little numb.  “I thought I’d take a shortcut, got turned around.  I- I- panicked.  I started running and got hurt.”

“We’ll get you an ambulance, not to worry.”

Why do nice people in this make me nervous?

“If I don’t get you to a hospital, and you die-”

“I’m not going to die,” I said, not sure if I was lying.  “Drop me off at the rest stop, I’ll warm up and get food.  I’ll hitch a ride to where I need to be.”

“If you’re positive,” he said.  “I don’t want you haunting me or anything, and I don’t want lawsuits either.  I don’t make that much money.”

He nodded.  “Sure, then.  You need help getting up?”

I like this guy but still don’t trust him. Also, did Whatbomb miss a line there?

Was that a rule, here?  No monsters after sunrise, or no monsters when others could see?

I made eye contact with Rose, in the side-view mirror.

She looked drained, haggard.  Almost worse than I did.

Day is typically good in stories, so I’d say yes. Also, Rose is okay! Yay! Kinda okay. Maybe a little worn down.

As the truck driver talked to some employees, negotiating a way to get me to my stop, I saw a man in the corner with an oddly crooked stance, leaning against the wall as if his limbs wouldn’t hold him up, the whites of his eyes too white as he tracked us with his gaze.  Staying out of the way, almost out of sight.

SUSPICIOUS! STAY AWAY BLAKE, THAT’S A BADDIE

Wow. The chapter’s already done. Not much calling it in this chapter, so I’m gonna hold off on analysis until after a few more ‘calling it’s.

I’m really nervous and I love that!

[blapisblogs]

So somehow Corey Taylor has now ended up in the place where I’m assuming the other Nostalgia Critic episodes take place, which has all these parody posters of previous Nostalgia Critic reviews and Doug Walker’s YouTube plaques on the walls. Doug, you spent a majority of at least the first half of this “review” beating us over the head with how much you hate Roger Waters’s ego, but then you show us shots like this and expect people to not comment on yours? Of course there is a very slight chance that this might’ve been an attempt at self-deprecation, showing that Doug is aware that “Nostalgia Critic” has just as much of an ego as Waters and he’s just oblivious to it, but given how the rest of this “review” is and how Doug has reportedly acted behind the scenes on other projects, I highly doubt it.

Now you’d think that with Corey Taylor here and the “review” being nearly over that this would be the part where he finally says something, especially since we’re close to one of the few times we hear Bob Geldof sing in the film. You’d be wrong. Before Doug can finish whatever speech he had planned for this part, he answers a call from... some dude asking about the whereabouts of someone called Lucy Lacemaker. Oh boy... So something I’ve been mostly ignoring is that there’s a strange creature that’s popped up briefly a few times throughout the “review”. That creature is Lucy Lacemaker, the creation of someone called Fennah, making a guest appearance in this review because... uh... The Wall had weird animated characters in it? That’s what Lucy starts talking about: how the animated characters’ designs were creative but the characters themselves were terribly underused (“All paint, no ink” as she puts it). If you’ve actually seen the film, then you know that this criticism doesn’t make sense. The animated characters and creatures in The Wall aren’t exactly characters in and of themselves; they’re figments of Pink’s imagination that are either meant to symbolize things (i.e. the black eagle in “Goodbye Blue Sky” being the Nazis who did aerial bombings on England), purposefully one-dimensional caricatures of real people in Pink’s life who’ve damaged him (his overprotective mother, his cheating wife, the abusive schoolmaster), or sometimes even how he sees himself in that moment (the mostly inanimate doll and possibly Judge Worm). They aren’t the main focus of the film or album because the focus is Pink and his internal struggles. (I was gonna say “That’d be like saying that Tamatoa should’ve been the main character of Moana when the film is about Moana”, but... no, that would still make more sense because at least Tamatoa is an actual character in that film and not a figment of someone’s imagination, despite what some grimdark edgelord fan theories say.)

Anyway, it fades to... some sort of alternate universe or dimension or something? Whatever, Doug’s now in this world of weirdos who sing about what they think of the film? I guess? This is a “parody” of “The Trial”, the climax of the film where Pink mentally, well, puts himself on trial for “showing feelings” and culminates in him making himself “tear down the wall”, allowing himself to feel and move on from his trauma. On the one hand I get the most basic line of logic for this “parody” (“The Trial had weird animated creatures, so therefore this parody of it should have weird animated creatures”), but this looks and feels so out of place here. I mean, if these creatures were in a video about Tim Burton’s Alice in Wonderland movies I wouldn’t bat an eye at it, but for a video about The Wall it feels so wrong. It gets worse when you know that the animated characters in The Trial all have connections to Pink whereas these characters are from a completely different creator with no ties to Doug Walker at all (or even Corey Taylor, who, you know, is supposed to be standing in for Pink). It’s not like Doug doesn’t have characters of his own or that they couldn’t fill in the spaces of the people in The Trial if he wanted to (Chester A. Bum, Devil Boner, Hyper Fangirl, The Devil, Charts Guy, Bill, etc.), so the lack of using them for this and instead using characters from something completely unrelated to his show made by someone completely unrelated to his crew makes it feel impersonal, which is the exact opposite of what The Trial did. It needs to be personal in order for it to have the proper impact on Pink (or whoever’s standing in for him in this case), so removing that element from it takes away a lot of the punch.

I don’t want to be too harsh on this sequence because I know a lot of people have given Fennah guff over it (and supposedly they didn’t take the backlash regarding their part in it very well), but even with how out-of-place it is I have to admit the animation isn’t too bad, especially given that this was all done in about two and a half weeks. Oh yeah, according to Fennah, Doug Walker only gave them about two and a half weeks to do all this animation, which is half of what it normally takes for him to make something like this. What the fuck, Doug? You claim that you worked on this “review” for at least two months (not that it shows) and you only gave Fennah two and a half weeks to animate their parts? I guess I shouldn’t be surprised given how much you overworked your former associates on the set of To Boldly Flee, but I guess you really didn’t learn anything from that. I mean, the least you could’ve done was try to react a little more to all these weird creatures and places you found yourself in for no reason, yet your acting is somehow worse than the performances in other animation-live action hybrid movies you’ve criticized in the past.

But enough of all that, let’s look at the lyrics for this parody of one of my favorite parts from both the album and film. Because fuck me, we’re almost done.

[Lyrics (and snark) below the cut]

[Note: I don’t know anything about Fennah, their webshow Satellite City, or anything else they do; the only character name I know is Lucy’s, so the rest of these are gonna be very crappy physical descriptions. Apologies in advance for that.]

Someone vaguely like Lucy I guess but way bigger and with horns: Right then, Lucy Lacemaker, The court will take a vote On if the film that plays before us Can in any way show some feelings, Ruddy feelings of an almost canny nature From joys to blues

[Lady, if you and these other characters wanted to do a comprehensive analysis of The Wall, then you should’ve done it way sooner and not in the last seven to eight minutes of someone else’s video, let alone the video of someone who doesn’t even really analyze it themselves.]

Five-armed scarecrow motherfucker: I always said I like a well-made ditty

[Well you’re not going to be hearing any of that in this video, dude. Edit: So I thought this said “I always said I like to wear me titty”, which of course makes no sense, but according to another video, these are the actual words. It makes more sense, but that’s still what I hear whenever I stumble upon a video talking about this.]

I will not suffer shitty Fools that bring forth Naught but pity For their lack of wit and wild

[Jesus christ, is this yet another jab at Roger Waters?! I got enough of that from Doug Walker beating it into everyone’s skulls for the last half-hour, I don’t need to hear it from whoever the hell this is too.]

But here we rather find The result of heart and artist I say the music here is joyous!

[At this point I can’t even tell if this is supposed to be a genuine compliment or a backhanded one.]

But with that, we have to say

Black, spiky, horned demon goat thing: Lazy Left in the attic We’re not crazy Constantly dreaming I just wish they’d give us some more time to live

[How is the film not being about you “lazy”? Are you even talking about this film specifically, or just movies with underused cool-looking creatures in general? Also, this seems pretty ironic given that each of these characters (with the exception of Lucy) only get maybe a few seconds of screentime in this “review”.]

Horned kangaroo lizard titty monster with no pants: Lazy, Constantly (???) as being lazy

[This is the one most everyone points to when they talk about the lyrics being unintelligible, and I don’t blame them because I’ve seen this part multiple times and still can’t fully figure out what she’s saying. Also, I’m sorry Fennah, but somebody’s gotta say it: the lip-syncing here is awkward at best.]

Multi-horned Christmas goat motherfucker: Those little shits They’ve done it now We all deserve personalities They could’ve used us Far more often than they did, But no! They had to go their own way

[Again, this film’s not about the weird creatures for a reason: they’re not the focus because they aren’t real in the context of the film and the focus is Pink and his personal struggles. If you want animated characters with creative designs that have more screentime and development, then I have no clue what made you think you’d get it from this film out of all the other animated media out there. Not every animation-live action hybrid movie is trying to be Who Framed Roger Rabbit (especially not this one since it came out years before Roger Rabbit did).]

We’re bored of Alice! We want the Hatter

[Okay, credit where it’s due, I like this tiny bit here by itself. I definitely don’t think it works as a “criticism” of The Wall, but it’s decently creative in a way.]

Just five minutes more, your honor, Them and us alone

Blue Skyrim-looking dragon: Wait! This film’s not bound by characters It’s a visual affair It never aimed to tell a story

[Were you watching the same film that everyone else was, or are you somehow confusing it with the “review” you’re currently in? The film does have characters and does tell a story, and I think it does a pretty decent job at it (even better than the album I’d argue), unlike this “review” which tries to have a narrative but becomes less and less cohesive as it drags on.]

Rather sprawling canvas of Emotion visual splendor And your honor, we can take that home

[Take what home? I don’t even know what your argument is supposed to be here. This just sounds like word salad at this point.]

Tall Sean Connery-sounding werewolf in a striped robe: Maybe There’s more to the picture Just maybe Both sides of the wall

[...Nobody in this “review” actually knows what “The Wall” that the film and album are talking about is supposed to be, do they?]

Sean Connery-sounding werewolf and white lizard thing: There’s a difference between nonsense, after all That and Creation

Mutated cow monster thing on a moon surrounded by jellyfish: Genius and nonsense And creation

[Okay, again, credit where it’s due: the lip-sync for this thing is awkward, but this is the only person or thing in this “review” with a genuinely pleasant and clear singing voice. Shame that she only gets two or three short lines, one of which she has with the previous duo.]

Lucy Lacemaker: The evidence before the court is Incontrovertible There’s no need for the jury to retire In all my years of judging, I have never seen before

[With the exception of one word in that last part, Lucy’s whole bit here is completely lifted from the original. Some of these were already cutting it close to the original’s, but this is just straight up copying it. I don’t know who wrote this part of the “review” (I’ve gotten conflicting information on whether it was Doug or Fennah who wrote this particular parody), but whoever it was, you’ve got some nerve to have characters call the film “lazy” only to later turn around and do this.]

A film so deserving Of both love and wanting more The way it makes you tougher, Makes you think and feel but suffer, Fills me with the urge to decapitate

[Go on, Lucy! Off with his head! Edit: I guess here’s as good a point as any to point out that, at least according to TV Tropes, Lucy is a lesbian who likes to murder people, so apparently that’s supposed to be funny. ...Yeah, no, it’s not. Fuck you, TV Tropes.]

I believe this film is packed

[I’m being generous in assuming she said “packed” at least, because it sound like she’s saying “hacked” but that doesn’t really make sense. Then again this whole bit in this “review” doesn’t really make sense when it comes down to it.]

With much to be revered But the marvelous creatures Should be adored As opposed to being feared

[...You mean you want people to love the animated creatures based on literal abusers and Nazis?]

Tear down the wall!

[What wall?! In the context of this “review” there is no wall! Even if the context here is that there’s a “wall” between nightmarish fantasy and reality, then Lucy and/or Fennah already broke it offscreen before this whole number started. Or are you talking about the film/album The Wall? If that’s the case, then why are you demanding that Doug Walker tear it down when he was already doing that long before you showed up? What did Doug have to do with any of this? What the hell happened to Corey Taylor during all this?! Why did I waste so much time writing all this down?! Why did I do this to myself?! WHY?!]