#lesson learned: memory's a piece of shit. don't trust it

[mintflavoredfemurs]

Notebook doodles for funsies

[imloyaltoscoups]

i'm ready | yoon jeonghan

After seven long years, you finally find yourself in a place of true peace and contentment. The journey to this point hasn't been easy - the scars of heartbreak and betrayal ran deep, and it took time to heal and rebuild yourself.

But you did it. You persevered through the nightmares, finding strength in your own resilience and determination. With each passing day, you focused on your own growth and development, pouring your energy into your studies and your personal pursuits.

Completing your PhD was a milestone, a testament to your dedication and perseverance. It wasn't just an academic achievement: it was a symbol of your triumph over adversity, a tangible reminder of how far you've come since the pain of your past.

Along the way, you learned valuable lessons about self-love and self-care. You realized the importance of prioritizing your own needs and desires, of carving out space for yourself in a world that often demands so much of us.

The first years were undoubtedly the hardest. You struggled to find your footing, grappling with the weight of your emotions and the uncertainty of starting over. You were cautious with those who approached, wary of opening yourself up to the possibility of hurt once again.

But with time, you learned to trust yourself again. You rediscovered your worth and your strength, and you refused to let the pain of your past define you. You learned to allocate love and care for yourself, recognizing that you are deserving of the same kindness and compassion that you so freely gave to others.

You pause mid-packing, taken aback by your friend's unexpected enthusiasm. They shake the ticket with excitement, their smile infectious despite your initial reluctance.

"Y/N!!! We're going to Koreaaaa!" they exclaim, their voice filled with enthusiasm.

You hesitate, the memories of your past trip to Korea still lingering in the corners of your mind. The thought of returning to the place where so much heartache had occurred fills you with a sense of apprehension.

But before you can voice your concerns, your friend speaks up again, their tone resolute. "You're okay now, right? So it's okay to visit that country again. And besides, who knows when we'll have the chance to see our friends first ever exhibit. If you're worried of bumping with that piece of shit. Don't worry—I'll give him a piece of my mind. Maybe even a punch and a chokeslam for good measure!... I should have been with you when you went there" she pouted.

Their words catch you off guard, but you can't help but laugh at their fierce loyalty. Despite your reservations, their unwavering support gives you a glimmer of courage.

"Alright," you say, a small smile tugging at the corners of your lips. "This is for our girl."

With a newfound sense of determination, you resume packing, knowing that this trip will be different from the last. Armed with the support of your friend and the strength you've gained from overcoming your past, you're ready to face whatever challenges lie ahead. And who knows? Maybe this time, Korea will hold new memories of joy and adventure, rather than pain and heartache.

As you arrive at the exhibit of your best friend, you're filled with a sense of pride and excitement. You rush forward and envelop her in a big hug, a smile spreading across your face.

"Congratulations queen, you did it!" you exclaim, squeezing her tightly. "I'm so proud of you for pursuing your dream of being an artist. Look at the crowd!"

She returns the hug with equal enthusiasm, her eyes shining with happiness. "Thank you so much! I couldn't have done it without you guys. You two kept on pushing me to do this and here we are."

She then shows you around the exhibit, pointing out each piece with pride, you can't help but marvel at her talent and creativity. Each painting tells a story, a reflection of her passion and dedication to her craft.

As you admire her work, she offers you two a glass of champagne, a gesture of celebration for this momentous occasion.

"Cheers to you and your incredible talent," you say, raising your glass in a toast. "May your art continue to inspire and captivate audiences around the world."

She clinks her glass against yours, a wide smile lighting up her face. "Thank you, and cheers to our friendship. I'm so grateful to have you two by my side."

Together, you three sip your champagne and continue to explore the exhibit, basking in the joy of this special moment shared between friends. And as you revel in the beauty of her art and the warmth of her friendship, you know that this is a memory you'll cherish for years to come.

Time pass by and your best friend excuses herself to greet other visitors, you nod understandingly, letting her immerse herself in the moment. Beside you, your other friend suddenly excuses herself to rushed off to the bathroom, leaving you alone amidst the bustling gallery.

As you scroll through the gallery, admiring the artwork, a familiar voice calls out your name. You turn around and are surprised to see Jeonghan standing there, holding a glass of champagne. To your own surprise, you feel no shock or hurt at his presence. Instead, you feel a sense of calm and resolution.

"Hi," he says, his voice tentative as he approaches you. "How are you?"

You offer him a small smile. "I'm doing better than ever," you reply confidently. "I got my PhD and now I'm planning on doing my residency."

Jeonghan's eyes light up with genuine pride. "That's amazing," he says, offering his congratulations. "I always knew you would achieve great things."

You exchange conversation for a while, catching up on each other's lives. Eventually, Jeonghan takes a deep breath and admits once again that he is truly sorry for the pain he caused in the past.

You nod, feeling a sense of closure wash over you. "I've forgiven you," you say simply.

His eyes widen with hope, and for a moment, you see the flicker of longing in his gaze. But before he can say anything else, a commotion interrupts the moment.

A little kid comes running towards you, calling you "mama." You glance down and see your baby boy, and you can't help but smile as you scoop him up into your arms.

"Where's Papa?" you ask, and just then, a voice responds—a man carrying your one-year-old daughter.

Jeonghan stands frozen, his eyes wide with disbelief as he takes in the sight of your family. You introduce your husband to him, and as you do, your baby boy innocently asks who the man you're talking to is.

"He's one of the singers mommy used to love," you reply gently, trying to keep the atmosphere light.

Jeonghan introduces himself to your family, his emotions held back as he struggles to maintain his composure. But as the moment stretches on, you can see the glass in his hand trembling, a silent testament to the storm of emotions raging within him.

"Mama, can we look for Tatie?" your baby boy asks, his eyes wide with curiosity.

You smile down at him and give a nod. "Of course, sweetheart. Let's go find her," you reply, your heart swelling with love for your children.

Turning to Jeonghan, you offer a polite smile. "It was nice meeting you again," you say sincerely.

Your baby boy tugs at your hand, eager to leave. "Goodbye, Uncle!" he chirps before running off with your husband and daughter.

Jeonghan watches them go, his face a mixture of shock and sadness. You offer him a sympathetic smile before turning away to search for your best friend.

As you walk with your husband by your side, his arm wrapped around you protectively, you feel a sense of peace wash over you. You lean into him, grateful for his unwavering support and patience.

"Thank you for being so patient love," you murmur, pressing a quick peck to his cheek.

He smiles down at you, his eyes filled with warmth. "You're very brave, you know that," he says simply, his voice filled with admiration.

You feel a surge of gratitude for the life you've built together, for the love and happiness that surrounds you. And as you continue to search for your best friends, you realize that maybe visiting Korea isn't so bad after all, especially when you have your family by your side.

In that moment, you realize that the greatest revenge you can provide to Jeonghan is finding your own happiness without him. And as you find your own people who cherish and support you, you know that you've already won.

part 1, part 2

....... ≿━━━━༺JEONGHAN༻━━━━≾ .......

[sufferu]

arc 6 explores the dangers of giving up and lack of confidence, while arc 7 explores the dangers of stubbornness and overconfidence

Arc 3 teaches why you should NEVER give up and always try your hardest, while arc 4 teaches that while you should give it your all, don't do it at the expense of your health

I pretty much agree with that read of Arcs 3 and 4, but I don’t think I do with those of Arcs 6 and 7.

Arc 6: the danger that Subaru comes to isn’t so much a lack of confidence or that of giving up, but of the…uncertainty of his relationships with other people. He doesn’t know what these people want from him. He doesn’t know who he was to them. He wants to trust them, and to love them, and to be loved and trusted in turn, but he doesn’t know what they’re expecting of him or what he can expect of them. This is why his IF Route in Arc 6 is focused on him…basically using a shortcut in order to build intimate relationships with everyone around him, by using the Books of the Dead to piece together what he thinks they want of him while also exploring every inch of their minds in turn. Then, in the Main Route, he accepts that uncertainty as a fact of life and manages to rebuild genuine connections before eventually finding his own Book of the Dead and successfully regaining his memories. That’s not really CONFIDENCE, it’s much closer to…finding solace in the reality of never really knowing Everything about those around you.

Arc 7: I don’t view Arcs 7 and 8 as separate in this regard because they’re basically just parts 1 and 2 of the same storyline, so just using that for reference here. And — the thing is, I will argue that Subaru legitimately doesn’t do anything wrong until Natchuki Subawu enters the picture. Sure, he’s still flawed and he fumbles sometimes and not everything works out exactly as he wants to, but he really doesn’t DO anything bad: he just does the best he can with what he’s got, and sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn’t, and when it doesn’t he’s sad about it. There’s no real flaw left up for grabs except Arguably his hero complex, which…is still up in the air as of writing this, because that never actually got resolved.

No — in the Vollachia Saga, what Subaru does wrong is EVERYTHING he does as Natchuki Subawu. And overconfidence and stubbornness are both parts of that, sure, but…holy shit is it not everything, because that little fucker spat in the eye of basically every single lesson he was supposed to have learned up to that point. Which — hey. I guess it was literally a regression arc, so.

[yankthoudong]

ok so here's how i see artificial gemstones actually happening. hear me out, idk if CRWBY have the balls but i think there's a genuinely nonzero chance this could come real. also if anyone wants to write this fic be my guest, i'd love to read it

Despite Ascending and choosing herself, Ruby still pretty clearly has mental health issues going on due to being the most stressed 17 year old of all time, real or fiction. Ascension and her boba-talk with Yang will help, but she doesn't feel like she can or should sort out all her problems with just WBY - she needs to talk to someone else.

JNR have their reunions to get through and Jaune's problems to sort out - she doesn't feel like she can bother them even if she was 100% ready to forgive Jaune. Oscar and Ozpin have their whole deal happening and she's there for Oscar but definitely can't pile her problems on his plate. Qrow helps how he can, but he's older and less wise and she feels uncomfortable talking to him about the Penny aspects, not to mention how he's been attached at the hip to Best Bro Robyn for months now. But Ruby is genuinely trying to learn her lesson, and she needs to talk to someone.

So Ruby turns to the newest member of their group, the only one who's been through anywhere near as much shit as her, the girl she had a crush on those years ago at Beacon. She turns to Emerald.

Over the course of V10, we see them fighting together and talking through Atlas and Beacon and Penny and Cinder. Emerald can't stop apologizing for Beacon and Penny's first death at first, but Ruby has been as over that as she can get since Volume 4 and especially since Penny's resurrection. She forgives Emerald, and Em tries to take it in stride but it hits her harder than she wants to show. Ruby can tell.

Ruby's problems are harder to talk through, of course, but Emerald is there for her, plain and simple. She can see through the crap when Ruby pretends she's all the way better - can't trick a trickster.

They heal together, slowly but surely, and they get close like Ruby wanted to back at school. Maybe they get together romantically in here at some point and maybe they don't, but it's pretty clearly on its way.

Then Amity finally lands. Thanks to Penny lifting it high into the atmosphere, it doesn't land near Vytal like Pietro's original calculations, but in the ocean off of Vacuo's coast, and they successfully rescue Pietro and Maria.

Pietro immediately starts working to bring his daughter back, of course. He can't save those last couple of days after the virus infected her, let alone after she was made human, but he can restore her memory and mind from her last hard backup before that. Maybe he sacrifices the last of his soul and dies to save her, maybe he doesn't go quite that far, but regardless it's not enough. Someone needs to give a bit of their soul to bring her back.

Everyone expects it to be Ruby who volunteers, and she would have, but Emerald's hand goes up first. This is how she can atone for her sins, she thinks, and finally gain the trust of people she doesn't realize she already has it from. She can help revive this girl who her (girl)friend has such intense feelings for, who was her worst victim what feels like a lifetime ago.

And so, Penny is brought back, missing a couple traumatic days worth of memories and with a piece of Emerald's soul. Her eyes open and there's a tiny spot of red in them. roll credits v10 finale

[valentinesparda]

omg you understand me xD im about to sit down and start working on mine finally!! 🙉🎲🐣🙊 with noah and meliora!! <3 if you dont feel like talking abt them you can change it to whoever ur fixated on!

HIIII @kumoriselfships i haven't thought about either of these self inserts in forever and i can answer for noah but definitely not meliora 🥺🥺!! they werent developed far enough for me to be able to think about them deeply orz instead of meliora though, i can answer for faust, who is a bit more developed lmao !!

🙉 - what songs or sounds do you associate with your s/i? what sounds do they like? what sounds do they hate?

NOAH: i associate noah with crunching snow, hoofbeats, an isolated piano, and swishing fabric. also the sounds of chess pieces being moved around a board.

they love the sounds of nature and horses, snow and ice dripping off of melting branches and the soft soft patter of snowflakes in an empty forest or garden. heavy breaths of mounts and the sound of them pawing at the ground.

they loathe the sound of dimitri's voice and though they're initially afraid of the sounds of swords clashing and are scared of the idea of a battlefield (one sound in particular they hate is the loud thwack of an axe piercing wood) they grow numb to it over their years.

song - nemo by nightwish :) i have a really cool AMV cooking in my head for them with this song

FAUST: the opposite of noah, they are a crackling bonfire, the howl of wind, and the shaking of leaves in trees. the chittering of bugs and laugh of a fox in the distance. broken glass tinkling together underfoot and the scratch of a heavy polyester under your nails.

they love the sounds of mondstadt in their peripheral, filtered through trees and carried overwind. when they hear the ocean for the first time, they cry.

sounds they loathe are cart wheels, the creaking of a large wooden ship, and general wood noises. they have a weird thing about wood ever since they crashed through a rotten house once. they also have a problem with loud horns.

song - i haven't found one yet for them!! i will soon i promise fhjsjdjd

🎲 - name a weird skill your s/i has that you don't.

NOAH: they can play the violin and are like. a chess prodigy, both of which i cannot attest to myself. i don't understand chess and i used to own a violin but i couldn't play it for shit LMAO

FAUST: EXPERT PICKPOCKET. can lockpick anything ever.

🐣 - give a description of their childhood. do they have any good memories? what sticks out when they think of their younger years?

NOAH: their childhood was very very hectic. their mother was a battlefield commander and they can count on one hand how much she was actually home, and between that and the lessons they had to take very suddenly at an older age than the rest of the young lords and ladies around them they barely had time to breathe. the only good memory that they have is giving a helping hand at the local dress shop and learning to sew.

FAUST: cant remember a damn thing about their childhood. they basically just spawned into existence is how they like to explain it but that's pretty accurate (body taken over by fox spirit). they "remember" being a kit.

🙊 - what is something that never fails to make them laugh? do they have things that they say often? what are some things your s/i has said that they regret?

NOAH: balthus makes them giggle BUT in private. they ONLY laugh in private or with someone they REALLY trust (manuela). they laugh about very silly stuff like bad puns and item failures. sylvain is pretty good about getting a smile out of them every once in a while but that's because he's so charming and they think of him as a little brother.

they don't say much but they always say "must you be so loud?" all the time to everyone ever. sensitive asshole. often go "hm?" or "hm." instead of talking.

the one thing they regret saying is telling balthus they were to be married when they leave the academy. it worked out in the end but it broke their heart.

FAUST: going flying petrifies them every time but they really do enjoy it in some weird way. they also like hanging around with amber, she's really fun. :)

they tell people lies a lot. not anything serious, just sarcastic little lies for inconsequential stuff. a catchphrase of theirs is "ho?" or "hee hee!"

as far as things they regret, they regret telling the cops anything ever. always pinning crimes on them they've never been a part of (that's a lie they are guilty). i don't have a serious answer. :)

[neverinchargeinactive]

@the-expatriate asked:

‘what doesn’t kill you…'     and my muse will talk about a difficult experience in their life that they learned a valuable lesson from.

Eyebrows raised as he took off his hat and scratched at his temple. It wasn't exactly a fun fuckin' trip down memory lane but he'd grown to like Pari so there wasn't any reason why he couldn't be honest with her.

"I had this teacher in third grade. Mr. Sheppard. I don't usually talk about it, not to anyone. He was a piece of shit... started putting his hands on me and.... well, anyway. I learned from that, I needed to stand up for myself and that I couldn't trust anyone." He looks down, sighing. "I never told anyone about it, not even Ma, but I promised myself someday I'd do somethin'. I did eventually."

[lizzybeth1986]

Hayden's Breaking Point: Unexpected Tantrum, or A Long-Awaited Catharsis?

There are a number of ways a reader of Perfect Match can view Hayden's outburst in Book 2 Chapter 6.

You can view it as ungrateful, a temper tantrum, or "oh just get over it and deal with the fact that you are just a hunk of metal". All of which can come across as dismissive and disrespectful, considering Hayden feels in the same way a human does - and you would (I hope!) think multiple times before minimizing another person's pain and mental state like that.

You can view it as a sudden and unpredictable vent, brought about by the events of the day. I wouldn't blame you, because most of Hayden's issues have been - for the most part - subtly hinted at, and Pixelberry hasn't always been the most consistent when it comes to validating certain characters' issues (coughcough Liam coughcough Hana from TRR). Hell, until the last chapter I was afraid we'd never get to explore what Hayden went through enough. But such an estimation (that it is sudden and unpredictable) wouldn't be completely accurate.

Or...you can view it as a crisis that's been a long time coming. A moment when it all gets too much, when Hayden cannot simply keep it in just so no one else experiences discomfort, anymore. A question that has been evidently plaguing Hayden since they'd discovered the truth, one that demands answers. A question that Hayden has running away from because the answers hurt them too much. Yet...without having to face that question...their journey to discovering their true identity would never be complete. The book builds this internal conflict, in small pockets of discontent just lurking beneath the sunny surface. But how?

Before I delve into that, I would like to delve into a narrative style of storytelling (that usually features in novels) that will illustrate why this kind of conflict is necessary. It's called a bildungsroman.

A Coming of Age

A bildungsroman, in Literature, is typically a novel/story that charts the growth of the central character - specifically their psychological and emotional growth. It often begins with the character in a state of innocence, one which is lost as a result of what said character encounters, and follows them through the ensuing crises and eventual maturity. A Coming-of-Age story, if you will, and a narrative that has been adopted in some of the most famous novels of our times: Charlotte Brontë's Jane Eyre, Charles Dickens' David Copperfield, Marjane Satrapi's Persepolis to name a few. We often meet the protagonist as a child and then follow them through the travails of their adulthood, ergo we grow with them.

Kristy Littlehale, in her article on bildungsromans in the StoryBoardThat blog, divides the stages a character in a bildungsroman goes through as follows:

1. The Call: This refers to events/motivations that propell the character to move away from their home and/or family, in an attempt to forge an identity separate from them. The concept of home here can be literal or symbolic.

2. The Apprenticeship: This is where the character attains an education away from their origins. It marks the beginning of their growth, of their journey towards change and maturity. The character is introduced at this point into their new world, which they start out being enamored with before gradually facing disappointment...realizing that this world isn't as perfect and wonderful as they assumed it would be.

3. Maturity: Maturity "is not easily won", Littlehale tells us, and it is often a process that is painful and difficult - but nonetheless necessary. The character comes away with a new-found sense of self, but not before they face numerous tests, losses and internal conflicts that change them, often in very painful ways. The character may crumble, face failure, not act perfectly in the face of these conflicts, many of their flaws may be exposed...but they emerge from this as stronger people. They are, however, all the richer for going through these experiences, much like gold that must be forged through fire to come out in its purest form.

4. Acceptance and Remedy: Having attained this newfound, hard-won knowledge and wisdom, the character either returns to their place of origin a new person, or use what they learned during their journey to remedy the original problem. The end of their journey is all about making peace with the uncomfortable truths about themselves that they have learned in the course of their journey, and moving forward with that knowledge. For this to take place, the character has to confront painful truths otherwise this final step can neither be seen as possible nor realistic.

Technically, very few of the Choices books actually fit this narrative category, owing to the very fact that the main character is supposed to more of a pathway into the universe of that book, and the LIs they meet are typically people already at a particular point in their lives. Perhaps TCaTF would fit this category the most, since it does begin with Kenna's loss of innocence as she witnesses the murder of her mother and the destruction of her mother's kingdom, and the rest of the series is about her learning to fight alongside her people, winning the kingdom back and uniting the rest of the territories. She learns a number of lessons the hard way, but each tragedy leads her to the eventual realization that she has to earn the trust of her people.

Perfect Match is primarily about the MC, and their battle with Eros, but one can just as well make the argument that it is also the origin story of Hayden Young, and charts their development and growth into a sentient being who has created their own identity. Hayden is literally "born" in the first chapter - born of Rowan/Cecile/Khaan's ideas, the MC's desires and Sloane's expertise...a veritable Galatea to multiple Pygmalions.

So while the titular "perfect match" expands in the story to mean the match/matches that is/are perfect for the MC themselves (ie the LIs they choose), the term itself is used consistenly to describe Hayden - whether or not they do continue to date the MC eventually - because their genesis emerges from the MC's needs. Their faces are on the cover with the MC's, they are connected through the symbolic representations of the puzzle piece and wires/veins, and the question of identity and selfhood emerge the strongest from their narrative. Ergo, I would argue that while Perfect Match is largely a story of the MC fighting this powerful, dangerous corporation with their friends, it is also the story of the Match who starts out dependent on that system but emerges from it with an identity of their own making.

Confusion Before Conflict

If we go by the stages of the bildungsroman, viewing Perfect Match as a chronicle of Hayden's growth, the first ten chapters show them in a state of innocence and dependence. Outwardly, they seem independent and capable of living on their own, living away from their "mother" and charting their own path. What's more - they actually, genuinely believe this. Their diamond scenes at Ceder Rest are meant to explore their future (the hotel room scene), and Hayden's supposed past (the pancake house date). Clearly Hayden has no reason to believe that their memories are anything but real.

However in reality, they are really subject to the laws and frameworks provided for them by their makers. They are built such that they don't need to question/explore their past in detail (Sloane mentions in Book 2 that they are built to focus on "living in the moment" to prevent them from actually delving too deep into their past, which lessens the chances of the Matches finding holes in their own stories).

Even so, the narrative has seeds of doubt sowed in Hayden's mind early on. By the opera diamond scene (see above) they are already viewing themselves as actors playing a role rather than a individual living an authentic life. They are already beginning to question their own identity.

Added to this are the aftereffects both Hayden and Steve face from the crash. Both face significant damage to their database, and both are subjected - before the taser attack on Hayden - to abuse from Eros. Steve is reprogrammed and repurposed - his identity taken away from him and his memory tampered with - and Hayden finds themselves locked in a room with their hands and legs bound, never told why they're being subjected to this until Sloane bodily hauls them to safety...and that's the point they're hit by a teaser specifically meant to harm the Matches.

Even before the truth of their identity comes out, they're pretty much facing an insane amount of shit for a person who believed they'd just come to a matchmaking service to find a date.

It is clear that this is supposed to be a mixture of the Calling and Apprenticeship stages for Hayden, if we go by the stages of a bildungsroman.

"How Do You Open Your Mouth and Tell Someone You Don't Feel Real?"

If the above sequences came under Calling and Apprenticeship, this would doubtless be the stage where Hayden takes their first painful steps towards Maturity.

From the reader's point of view, the thing with the Matches is that we don't exactly have a clear idea whether they know their truth or not until after they are tasered. It's clear enough to the reader that they're a robot, but it's hinted only in a few places that Hayden and Steve truly believe they are human.

This assumption spills over into the MC's response to Hayden's reality as well. Their first reaction is to assume they've been conned, that Hayden knew this about themselves all along and basically fooled them into that relationship (it's also why - I perceive - there is such an overall weird attitude towards this one LI. Hayden could be literally a saint, and it would still be considered okay within the fandom to objectify them and drag them and speak negatively about them. However, within the narrative, only two people hold that sort of view consistently - Rowan and Cecile). It's only when Sloane explains to the MC that Hayden truly believed in their humanity that we realize just how little agency this person has - so that when they finally realize they aren't human, we understand why that knowledge is so devastating to them personally.

However...from the Matches' point of view? Not knowing who they are is essential to the way they're made. They are programmed to never question their past too deeply, their core structure is connected to Eros and the people who run it while still believing they are independent. To realize their humanity isn't real, that they were meant to be essentially puppets in hands of an evil corporation, is a very very big blow.

The rebellious/impulsive/outgoing Haydens tend to be a little more open about what this is doing to them than the sweeter/logical/mysterious ones - they allow themselves a brief moment to vent at Sloane for lying to them (as opposed to asking her if she is okay) and to openly state what this is doing to them.

But the tragedy of their situation isn't limited to just this, nor does it hit them all at once. It comes in fits and starts, in stages. This is because while the situation itself is so horrific, Hayden doesn't really get the time and space to process their situation because they're constantly on the run, fearing for their lives and the lives of their loved ones. Everytime they do sit back and find space in themselves to grieve what they never had, the real world interrupts them and tells them that there's more important stuff left to be done.

(Screenshots from Abhirio's YouTube channel)

Technically, the airport scene could have been their crisis point. They realize in the security check scene that they're "have polymers inside", and begin to understand here that the memories they have of their childhoods were all false (which, if we see their outburst, is one of the things what hurts them the most - that unlike Damien, Sloane and Hamza, they have no real roots or past or family).

With Eros hot on their heels, Hayden winds up having to put their feelings about all this on the backburner, but if we look at the narrative closely enough, they are confronted time and again with the bitter truth of how the world will see them, while still not getting enough opportunities to question the way people treat them.

Since the more outspoken, impulsive Haydens operate on emotion and tend to be more outspoken on that score, I tend to use their dialogues as a parameter of how Hayden feels overall. If you notice, the more impulsive Haydens in the this scene speak of how nothing they do will ever be enough as long as people like Damien don't look past what they're made of...yet this is clearly a truth they are confronted with over and over. Most of the time they are reminded that the people they love can be the ones who don't always treat them like people.

How deeply Damien's words affects them is seen clearly after the dinner, especially if Hayden has music skills (if not, Hayden will simply tell us that they're "trying to accept this 'not human' thing) and in the ensuing conversation by the well, where they fully expect to be rejected by the MC.

If we were to delve into why it takes so long for Hayden to face how they feel about this head-on, we must take into account all that happens to them since the moment they get tasered:

1. Hayden gets tasered, and sees the wires beneath their skin. They pass out immediately after.

2. Hayden wakes up, wondering if they'd been dreaming it up all along...only to be told the truth by Sloane and the MC that they're not human. Time to process this is extremely limited as they're on the run from Eros.

3. Hayden is confronted further with this reality through the security check, but doesn't get to completely talk it through on either the airport or the plane. At the airport, Damien overhears and interrupts them so they can escape. On the plane, they're far too exhausted to concentrate on this.

4. I see the dinner scene as both a parallel and precursor to the outburst scene in Book 2 Chapter 6. In both, Hayden shows through very subtle mannerisms that they are disturbed by the conversation around the table surrounding them, and at least two people - Damien and Alana - seem to be speaking of them with scant sympathy for their situation (Although, at least in this case, Alana doesn't know anyone here except Damien. Damien was there when Hayden almost broke down in the airport)

From the perspective of understanding Hayden, this scene is important because it shows us both how people who aren't close to Hayden yet know their truth may treat them, and how hard it is for them to cope with both their own confusion and this hostility.

5. If you choose their diamond scene and are dating, Hayden and the MC have an extended conversation about the question of knowing how their feelings are real. Questions of them as sentient beings with legitimate emotions tend to come up here and there, especially in the helicopter sequence later on.

5. The next day, unfortunately, Hayden collapses, but as soon as the power core is found and they are reactivated, they implore the MC and Sloane to make them more helpful. There's a significant amount of guilt here, and a feeling that they're causing problems but not helping out enough, and they really do want to contribute.

6. Questions of them not having a past/memories are also raised in certain scenes, such as the Never Have I Ever scene where they have to resort to Google for an answer.

7. Shortly after, Alana betrays the group, they are taken away to the Arctic HQ, presented in front of Rowan West (who clearly treats his Matches like objects to be used and discarded) and then separated. For the next two chapters, each member of the group is set up in different but disturbing situations (Sloane is trapped in an abandoned building and frantically trying to reach the rest of the group, Nadia is reunited with Steve but in a prison dressed up as a home - trapped into not letting him know the truth - Damien undergoes a gruelling interrogation and is subjected in Book 2 to inhuman levels of mental and emotional torture, the MC is psychologically tortured by a twisted version of Hayden in Harley). However, what they've been doing to Hayden is hinted at more than actually spelt out for us.

Hayden reacts to being woken up by anyone at this point with fear and shock ("gasps and sits upright") and even after they realize who is actually waking them up, confess that they are "sick of waking up this way". Since waking them up involves them being freed from their bounds, I would assume that they'd be kept under the false impression that they'd be freed only to be imprisoned again, constantly. It could also bring back memories of the first time Eros bound them to a bed.

8. Again, there isn't enough time to dwell over this, considering they are (again) on the run, and taking a break before planning their next step. Hayden at this point seems to be (somewhat) making peace with the fact that they "will always be tied to Eros", but opens themselves up to a "new normal" in their final Book 1 diamond scene. By the end of the book, they seem happy, positive, and looking forward to the future.

So...what changed?

Dames

The entry of Dames in the story is a cause of immense stress for the group, and opens Damien up to horrific levels of trauma (including having to watch copies of the people he loves specifically created to break him). But Dames himself is as much a victim in all this - up until the trip to the Louvre he had no reason to believe he wasn't Damien - and as soon as he understands who he is, he does everything within his power to help get Damien back.

The way Dames is made, Sloane tells us, is very different from the way Hayden or Steve are made. He is a temporary spy, created to hoodwink the group and unconsciously upload information from their whereabouts to Eros. Because he's built to fool people into believing he is Damien, Dames has to reconcile his reality as an AI to the personality instilled in him. I would imagine this makes it a little easier for him to give vent to the horror of this situation than it does to either Hayden or Steve. Therefore, he gets a little more wiggle-room to react to this and process it. He openly reveals that he will "never get used to seeing wires under [my] skin", speaks of how being Damien yet not being him feels like "experiencing everything as if through a looking glass", is angry and defensive when Alana or the MC bring up the fact that he isn't Damien, struggles with having his memories while not being him. When it gets too much for him, Dames is able to walk away and (non-optionally) show what this experience is doing to him.

Hayden and Dames have a pretty symbiotic relationship from the beginning. Hayden - who has already been through a portion of this hell - has coping mechanisms they can share with Dames, and establishes a silent understanding with him when he needs to vent. This is most obvious in two sequences: in Dames' narration of his memories of Hayden, and when Sloane explains how long Dames has left (where they silently support him - the rebels through physical exertion, the sweeter ones through emotional support).

But what often gets missed is the effect Dames has on Hayden. Dames certainly accepts help from Hayden, but he also provides to Hayden validation for all they have been feeling up until now. He is Hayden's kindred spirit, understanding their dilemmas in ways that none of the others seem to be able to, struggling to find an identity as much as they are. So while on the one hand, their diamond scenes with the MC allow them to redefine their identity, on the other, Dames is a reminder that the issues they haven't confronted so far, are valid and deserve to be addressed.

This is even more apparent in the scenes where Dames and Hayden see the videos at the Tokyo HQ. The entire group is unsettled by what they see (if we buy these options), but not entirely as affected as these two are.

Losing Dames, therefore, means Hayden has lost the one person they could completely relate to, the one person who could completely understand their predicament and give them the space to feel horrible for what they went through without feeling guilty for holding the group back. With Dames gone, Hayden is now left to face this uncomfortable truth on their own, and to realize that no one else will realize the gravity of it all as much as he did.

But What About Steve?

Hayden and Dames aren't the only Matches in the group, however. I've heard, at least on one occasion, questions about why Hayden cannot behave the way Steve does, even though they're both Matches and Steve has had his memory tampered with at least twice (three times if you don't save him). The answer is simple: because Steve isn't facing the truth of his existence on the scale that Hayden and Dames are.

The above screenshots show us the part Nadia has to play in this. Throughout the book, Nadia proves herself to be completely on the side of the Matches (as soon as she discovers the truth with the rest of the gang) and is shown to be extremely protective of Steve. She is the first to jump in both Hayden's and Dames' defense in front of Damien (Book 1 Chapter 11) and Alana (Book 2 Chapter 2). Her first instinct when finally reunited with Steve at the Arctic HQ was to let Steve believe that nothing had changed, even though she feared for their lives. She keeps Steve out of the big missions (esp if he was saved the previous book) and keeps him away - emotionally and physically - as far away from Eros as possible.

Because of this, Steve is largely kept safe from the huge, staggering revelations that Hayden (and briefly, Dames) had to confront on a regular basis. Nadia reveals the truth to Steve only when it's clear there's no other way, fearing that the truth will hurt him. He isn't there when the group view (as a diamond option) the videos about Rowan and Cecile's plans for the Matches. He isn't there when Khaan speaks to them about the history of the Sirens, or when Khaan and Sloane speak of the Matches as if they are science projects. For now, Nadia protects Steve, therefore Steve doesn't have to necessarily deal with these scary, painful questions the same way Hayden has to.

To compare Hayden's experience, therefore, to Steve's, would be short-sighted and completely missing the whole point of Hayden's journey so far.

Why Now?

But why does Hayden break down now? Why, when they're almost on the verge of a breakthrough? Is their outburst as sudden and as unpredictable as the group perceives it to be? My answer, based on the timeline below, would be no. But to truly understand the trajectory of their discontent at this point, we need to look at the events of Book 2 from their point of view:

1. As I've mentioned earlier, Hayden helps Dames and begins to find a kindred spirit in him.

2. Through him, Hayden also begins to show a little more discontent when one of the group speaks in a way that could make them uncomfortable (for instance, when Sloane speaks of the difference between Hayden's and Dames' memories in Chapter 2, and points out that "it's pretty empty in their brains", Hayden frowns and says "...thanks?")

3. When the MC slips up and speaks of Damien as not expendable instead of Dames. The narrative tells us that "someone gasps" - and it could honestly be Nadia or Sloane as well, since both are passionate about the rights of the Matches - but considering how close Hayden is to Dames and how much they relate to him, I'd think it more likely that Hayden would be affected enough to gasp at this slip-up.

3. The entire group is left disturbed by the videos (if you buy the scenes) at the Tokyo HQ, but none more than Hayden and Dames. At one point, the MC and Sloane discuss the cruel price that has to be paid for giving the Matches detailed backgrounds, and the MC asks whether it is damaging for the Matches or the clients (forgetting perhaps the breakdown Hayden had in the airport the previous book). Hayden, who has definitely struggled with the fact that their past is not real, sadly mentions that it affects both.

4. Shortly after, they lose Dames in the fight. Hayden doesn't automatically react very strongly to this, choosing instead to take the MC out to explore Tokyo as a sort of breather. However, if we buy this scene, we are then shown the way Hayden is beginning to change. These aren't just small, subtle changes - they're big enough for the MC to notice and point out. So along with the loss of Damien they are also dealing with significant changes in their own personality.

5. When they finally meet Khaan, and help out with taking care of Hamza, several things happen all at once:

a. They learn the truth about the Sirens, and get a clearer glimpse at how truly sickening Rowan and Cecile's plans are.

b. Khaan and Sloane speak of Hayden, in their presence, as an object more than once. This isn't intentional or done with any malicious intent, but they reveal on quite a few occasions that they aren't happy with this behaviour.

c. Khaan, as the man who invented the Matches, has a perspective that somewhat resembles Rowan's - but in a more benevolent way. He treats Hayden and Steve like the robots that he has seen them as being, and speaks to them on that level. Sloane - who has on more than one occasion argued for the rights of the Matches, but tends to unthinkingly switch to technical-speak while speaking of Hayden sometimes - is too focused on Khaan, and impressing him, to notice what her words are doing to Hayden. As the day wears on, the narrative shows Hayden as appearing 'stony-faced' when Sloane lists her skills, and looking visibly irritated when they're being compared to UWU.

d. Sloane's/Damien's memories as children, the conversation about sleepovers, the emphasis on Sloane and Damien's families and the presence of little Hamza all in one chapter are not at all coincidental. All of these point to the question of whether it is possible to build an independent identity without the foundations that a true childhood would give you. As I have mentioned before, this is something that Hayden has been struggling with from Book 1, but it's only now that they can actually articulate how big a deal it is for them.

e. With Dames gone, and Steve out of the picture most of the time, Hayden is truly alone in all this. Notice how, no matter which option you choose for the MC's responses, it's clear that they don't have a clue what Hayden is going through.

The main point of this sequence is that Hayden finally gets to truly, honestly air out their problems with everything - Eros, their lack of a past and family, the weight of this entire situation, the lack of understanding from their loved ones - and once and for all let them all know how they truly feel. This is why the scene itself is pretty much identical among the Matches - except for the last sentence where Hayden can either apologize and leave, or where they can angrily withdraw from the MC. The fact that this scene is written pretty much the same otherwise makes it clear that this is a crisis ALL the personalities are meant to deal with.

What Is The Way Forward?

Ideally I would love for this to be a point where the group reconsiders how they've treated Hayden thus far, and attempts to see this situation from their point of view.

This could be an essential learning moment for all of them. Damien has already begun to admit (somewhat) that he was wrong about Hayden, but still needs to apologize for implying he would throw them and Sloane under the bus even though his friends were close to them. Sloane and Khaan need to figure out what makes them different from Rowan and Cecile, and view the Matches as sentient beings with souls. The MC needs to review their own (default) behaviour and attitudes and view how that feels from Hayden's perspective. As for Hayden themselves, they need to figure out what works for them, and make it clear to their friends what makes them uncomfortable and how they can be supported during this time.

There is a chance that they may apologize (Hayden is that kind of person) but I would like the group themselves to apologize, listen, and try to understand what they're going through first.

Was This Outburst Necessary?

I would argue that not only was it good to have this sequence here, but essential. Their outburst was a long time coming, and I would have probably been disappointed if they weren't given the space to vent, and those small, subtle pockets of discontent in previous chapters was all we had.

We need to consider the role of pain, of catharsis, in developing an identity of one's own. It is not meant to be an easy process nor an entirely happy one. There are bound to be disappointments - from oneself, from the world, from one's loved ones. There are bound to be questions that will not have immediate answers, and the search for them will be frustrating. For Hayden to get to the point where they can truly have an identity that is THEIRS', they need to first let out what hurts them most, and move on from there.

Hayden - at this point - is going through incredible change. They are experiencing personality shifts, experienced true loss for the first time in the form of Dames, and have all these underlying issues that never got addressed adequately before because of the dangers ahead. This is not something they are "always depressed about" - this is something they've been tackling for a while now, largely alone, and at some point they would inevitably feel the weight of it all. For them, this situation is coming to a head, getting to the point where they cannot mask their problems with a positive front anymore, and desperately need to let out how hard this whole situation has been on them. The truth is that they've been trying to be strong for everyone else for too long.

Is it inconvenient for the group, at a time when they're working on correcting the situation at Eros? Indeed it is - but when has navigating internal conflict ever happened at "convenient" times, or happened on the basis of a schedule? In this case, Hayden has put their crises off for long enough, and has gone through enough pain, to feel at some point that they cannot handle any more.

It is normal for them to react that way. It is natural. It is human.