#learnt not only how to defend myself but be myself in a sense

[fandoms--fluff]

Believe (Chapter 4)

Unknowing daughter reader x Rumpelstiltskin and Belle French (and the others)

Summary: What happens when the group of 'creepers' want to find rumbelles daughter when you don't want to be found? Bad things.

Warnings: Swearing, blood, pain?

A/n: *gasp* Two chapters in a week? I'm honestly shocked with myself.

Chapter 5

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“That went…” Neal is the first to break the silence after you left. “Not well. What were you thinking when you casted those restraints?!” Rumple turns his fury to Regina. The woman in question, steps up closer to him, “Well if I hadn’t, then you and Belle wouldn’t have been able to ask her those questions. And it’s not like she’s badly hurt.” She defends her actions, arms crossed.

“Rumple, don’t. She was only trying to help” his wife talks him down from going after Regina further or the others. “Yeah, uh, why don’t we leave you two alone.” Neal herds himself, Hook and Regina out of the backroom’s door to the back of the shop building. This way was easier to leave than going through the whole shop to the front door.

Rumple sighs when his son, the mayor and the pirate leave the shop and turns to face Belle fully. “I’m sorry, Belle, I’m just..” He doesn’t know how to explain. “I know, I want our daughter back too. I miss her as well” She kisses him.

“We need a way to get through to her” Rumple says quietly and reaches his hand up to the rose pendant of Belle’s necklace. The pad of his thumb runs over it, feeling the ridges of the bent metal. “This necklace and the ring. The dreams she said she had. Her mind has to be trying to tell her about who she really is. At least when we were back in our land.” He examines the necklace again then locks eyes with Belle.

“You noticed too? Those dreams of hers, they’ve got to be of us…right?” She bites her bottom lip softly, not wanting to hear anything different than their shared reasoning for it. “I think that’s precisely what it is. It makes sense, in a way at least, where her subconscious from way back when she was a baby and the mere hours before she was taken, she has some stored memories. And the magic she has is clearly strong and was what was pushing those memory dreams into her head.” He lets go over the necklace.

“And there’s a big possibility with us being here with her, even if she doesn’t accept it, those dreams could start again. Or her magic may find another way to get her to believe and understand the truth. Just hopefully in no harmful manner, we don’t know the exact limits of her powers.” He finishes his thought, trying to go through his head if he has ever heard of anything more from his year of life about this form of magic taking place.

“She could get hurt?” Belle starts to worry further. “It’s a possibility, but it doesn’t mean that it will happen.” He reasons with his wife, knowing how she gets in situations of someone she cares about may get harmed. She sighs, worry still bubbling up in her stomach, but she leans against Gold. She rests her head on his shoulder, going through the whole situation that’s been created with you in her head.

As soon as you left the pawn shop, you made your way to the diner. Should you have gone straight back to your apartment and out of sight? Yes. But you’re hungry and not that great of a cook, Also the fact that cooking is not something you really enjoy to do.

So, you walk up the steps into Granny’s, the sun starting to set in the scenery. In the diner, you take a seat on one of the barstools at the counter, away from the other patrons chatting about. No way you can deal with any more people today.

The only acceptation being Ruby from behind the counter, “Hey, what can I get ya?” She asks, a mix of cheery and confusion as to who you are. Since everyone got their actual memories back months ago, she still hasn’t learnt your name, or to think of it, she didn’t even know your cursed life’s name.

You notice the confusion in her look right away, “Grilled cheese and fries, please.” You tell her and she writes down the order. But before she can walk over to place it in for the kitchen, you speak up again, “What is it?” She turns to look at you, her head tilting. “What’s what?” She asks.

“You’re confused. Why?” I lean on the counter a bit closer, slightly intrigued. Ruby’s never given me any hint as to not trust her, so why not? Your comment set her back a bit but she focuses back, stuttering slightly while answering, “Oh, just wondering what your name is. Since I never knew it, your real one...or cursed.” Her face flushes sheepishly.

“Huh. Okay, well I’m Y/n. That’s my actual name. As for my cursed name, there’s no point in knowing it” You answer her, expecting her question to be much worse than what your name is. “…Y/n…cool, I can work with that.” Ruby nods to herself or you, you’re not exactly sure before she walks to put the order in with the kitchen and bring food over to a table across the diner.

That was…strange to say the least. But it wasn’t horrible, you guess. The good thing is Ruby’s not back over here asking any prying questions, she may be not as annoying as the rest of this town. Maybe. You’ll see.

When no one is paying attention, you magically make a notebook, and some pens appear in front of you. They’re the same ones from your desk back at your apartment. You open the notebook and flip it to an empty page before picking up a black pen and clicking the top. You begin sketching on the paper, a bundle of roses being formed by the strokes of the pen.

Drawing has been a way to help you relax and calm yourself a bit, even in the Enchanted Forest. Though over there, you would use handmade paints from flowers and berries you picked or the rare times you were able to get away with stealing ink from vendors at fairs. There are probably still a multitude of your paintings and drawings still around those woods on the stones and the barks of many trees.

By the time Ruby brings your food over, your drawing is done, the flowers being filled in with strokes of your red and black pens and the stems being a dark green outline. You close your notebook right away as she sets the plate in front of you, so she doesn’t see the art. Though from the little glimpse she did see, she was surprised at the talent behind it, but she didn’t show it on her face. She didn’t want to get on your bad side since it’s clear you don’t exactly like people snooping into your business. At least from what Snow had told her a couple days ago when she explained her and the others were finding you. At that time, they hadn’t known your name.

She wonders if they know your name now since you were actually open to telling her it, so that’s no longer a mystery, she guesses. She doesn’t voice any of this to you.

You pick up the warm grilled cheese and take a bite out of it, the melted cheese creating a string between your mouth and the sandwich. You’ve gotta admit, Granny’s food is the best. Especially when it’s compared to your poor cooking skills – which is mostly just dumping boxed food in a pot and hoping it goes well…it never really does.

Eating the grilled cheese and fries are probably the highlight of your day. From waking up to going to the park where you met Henry and played with him, to finding out his family are the same crazy bunch from yesterday, to the whole necklace and ring mishap, and the pawn shop ‘adventure’, today is not something you’d wish to repeat. Ever.

So, you quietly finish your dinner in peace before paying the bill and while you’re leaving the diner, you feel eyes on you. Not wanting to be potentially followed back to your apartment, you turn to see who exactly it is. And it’s Ruby. But as soon as you make eye contact, she looks away, a blush creeping on her face. Huh, weird. Oh well, you think before leaving the diner. As you already thought, there’s no proof you can’t trust the part girl part wolf, so there isn’t any trouble in leaving without questioning or worrying about her.

When you finally make your way back to your apartment without being followed, you drag your feet to your bedroom and collapse onto the bed. Your notebook and pens scattered across the duvet from you letting go of the objects. Waving your hand, you cast a spell to change your outfit into light yellow pajama shorts and tank top.

You grab the horror book off your nightstand and flip to the page you left off and continue reading. Horror books and movies, basically anything gory interests you. Which may seem a bit off putting, but you don’t care. And it’s not like you have anyone to impress or tell anyways.

The next few days have been surprisingly peaceful for you. But they may have been because you haven’t left your apartment in those days, not wanting to face any of the creepy delusional people who clearly need a psych evaluation. You’ve kept the rose ring on the whole time, only taking it off when you go to sleep – it still gives you that odd feeling of closeness to it like the day you stole it and the necklace.

To pass time, you’ve been working on different sewing projects you had started before all those people slid into your business. By sewing, it helps you take your mind off of all that shit and it keeps you from going insane from just staying in the confines of your apartment. It’s also something you enjoy doing and keeps your hands and mind busy.

While the couple days have been relaxing for you, for the others, it hasn’t been so peachy.

“We haven’t seen Y/n in three days. What are we supposed to do if we don’t know where she is or how to find her or how we’re even going to convince her of what we’re saying is the truth.” Emma crosses her arms and leans against the wall in the sheriff’s station. Everyone is there taking advantage of the hours in which Henry is at school.

“We can do a locator spell. With your guys’ blood or hair since it’ll be a match for Y/n’s DNA” Regina says, looking at Belle and Rumple. “No, that won’t work. We’ve tried multiple times over the years. It’s as if her magic is blocking it with her without her knowledge.” Rumple shakes his head. The brunette sighs before looking back at Emma.

“Well, you rent to basically everyone, Gold. Are you sure she’s not one of your tenants” Charming crosses his arms. “Yes, I’m sure I would have noticed if my daughter was one of them” He sneers at the prince. Charming glares at him for a moment before focusing back in on what’s at hand. “Then we’ll just have to wait until she appears again.” Neal says, leaning against one of the desks. “And how long till then?” Regina crosses her arms. “Okay before everyone gets all riled up, why don’t we just set up stations and parole that area and hopefully one of us will see her and be able to talk to her. Without any violence” Belle says, and she glances to Hook and Regina for the last part, wanting to make that extra clear to them.

Hook holds his arms up in innocence while Regina hums in response to the brunette. “That’s not a bad idea. We can take different areas in the town, split up in partners.” Emma says and grabs one of the town maps from a display holder of them. She opens it and lays it on the surface of one of the desks.

Everyone crowds around to be able to see the map. The blonde grabs a red marker, popping the cap off. “Okay, so Belle and Gold, you two take up town, near the residential living area with all the apartment and lofts. Mary Margaret and David, you both should take the forest, maybe around the area where she went the first time we encountered her. It seemed she knew her way around that part.” The couple nods, being the best fit for the forest because of Snow’s past with being in hiding in one. “Neal and Hook, you guys take the harbour and shoreline area. Finally, Regina and I will take downtown around the busier places like Granny’s and the other shops.” Emma finishes, marking the areas on the maps as she went.

“Yeah, sounds great” Neal answers with the rest nodding. “But what will we do if we do happen to see her and get the chance to go up to her? What should we say, because obviously everything we’ve said and done before hadn’t worked.” Snow pipes up, voicing her concern.

Rumple holds his hand out and a vial of potion appears. He multiplies it to four different ones, placing three on the table so the other can each have one for their group. “This. Will help”

“And what are we supposed to do with this, crocodile?” Hook looks at the vial Neal picked up. “Somehow, we’re going to have to get her to drink the potion these vials contain. Just one of them will be enough, but it’s going to be tricky to get her to drink it.” Rumple explains. Belle looks up at him with furrowed brows. He’s never mentioned whatever this is until now. “And what does it do?” There’s no way he’d bring any harm to their daughter, right? Belle wonders, hoping for the best.

“Nothing bad, if it works correctly then it will basically open a lining in her mind to pull those memories from her subconscious from when she was a baby and she was still with us. So then she can see those memories and see we’re not making any of this up. It’s safe. And if it doesn’t work then nothing will happen to her out of consequence other than she may feel a bit out of focus for a moment or two.” The older man answers, reassuring his wife that no harm will come to you from this potion.

“If you’ve had this potion all along, why use it now?” Regina asks, raising a brow at her old mentor. “I had only just crafted it last day, potions take time, especially one of this decree and importance.” He gives her a hard look as If she was purposely making it seem as though he doesn’t have a deep yearning to want to find his own daughter. “And I must reiterate, using any spell to find her, will either be useless and fail, or it will bring harm. Especially dark magic, considering we’ve seen how strong her own powers clearly are” He scans everyone, but mostly Regina since she’s the only other one who has access to such dark magic aside from him.

“Okay, well, now that that’s sorted, let’s go. I have a feeling we may get lucky today.” Snow breaks the silence before anything can get out of hand between Regina’s attitude and Gold’s determination. Everyone complies, not wanting to bear witness to anything like that either. They go off in their partners and to the section of the town Emma assigned them all.

Today may be safe enough to go on a small walk, right? You think to yourself as you zip your grey romper up, making the material hug your curves comfortably. It’s not like you’ll be anywhere busy at all where all the townsfolk meet and join in meetings together. It’ll just be a small walk along the shoreline on the farthest part. Yes, Hook’s ship is there, but it’s very likely that he’s in town with one or more of the creepy people.

Plus, you know the surrounding forest trails like the back of your hand, so if you need to make a run for it, you can. You slip on a pair of yellow and white runners while tucking your phone in the pocket of your romper. Not taking any chances of running into any one of them in the streets, you transport yourself with a spell to the farthest point in the shoreline to walk around and back. The crashing of the waves is calming to you and the coolness from being so close to the water makes a nice change of the afternoon summer heat from the sun beaming down.

You embark on your walk, it feels nice not to be pent up in your apartment. You’ve gained a bunch of energy from not being able to move around a lot in the small confines of the place. So, this feels extra good. Especially since the only others out near this essential vicinity are the birds and squirrels.

What you weren’t expecting was to find not just Hook, but the other guy, Neal, there by the docks after walking for thirty minutes. They haven’t seen you yet, but there’s a good chance they’re about to. You have got to get out of here. Quick. Before they see you.

“This is useless” Regina grumbles as her and Emma make another loop around the streets they’ve been driving in the yellow bug for the past two hours. “Hey, quit complaining. Who knows? Maybe we’ll see her. There’s a good chance; everyone walks down these streets.” Emma tries to lighten the mood with the other woman. Which in return Regina just sighs heavily, leaning back into the seat.

After another twenty minutes, Regina can’t take this anymore. “You know what, Swan, you keep patrolling here. I’m going to find this girl my way. I don’t care whatever warning Gold has.” Regina grabs the vial of potion. Before Emma can say anything against her, the older woman chants a spell with dark magic. Dark purple and black smoke trail around her. “Regina! Regina, what are you doing! Stop!” Emma exclaims, but it’s too late and Regina is gone in a puff of that dark energy.

The sheriff immediately exits the car, not being able to stand the aftereffects of the spell that are waving through the air in the car. She phones David, alerting him of what had happened, needing to let them know that something bad may happen if Regina just did what she thinks she did.

As you turn and make your way to the woodland entrance, you feel a nauseating high pitch ringing in your ears. You don’t know where it’s coming from, but it’s excruciatingly painful, making you drop to your knees and cry out in pain. The sound of your yell catches the attention of Hook and Neal. They turn to direction of where the sound emitted, and they spot you huddled up on the ground with your hands covering your ears.

They immediately run over to you and crouch down beside your convulsing body. “Y/n, hey, what’s wrong, what’s happening?” Neal is the one to ask the question. Your eyes shoot open at the muffled sound of someone’s voice over the ringing in your ears. The sight of Neal and Hook make you jolt back, not wanting to be anywhere near them in a state of vulnerability.

But the agonizing ear-splitting sirens going off in your ears doesn’t help you with your movement. If anything, it makes it worse. The pain keeps growing slowly, making it unbearable to stay quiet as a bit back screech of pain makes it through your pursed lips.

“What the bloody hell is this?” Hook asks worried. “I have no clue.” Neal answers and moves closer to where you moved away only slightly before the pain took back over. “Hey, Kid, come on, just let us help, I promise we won’t hurt you” Neal speaks softly but loud enough so you can hear with your hands covering your ears.

You slowly look up at the man, your eyes widened in pain. No, you can’t trust him. You can’t trust anyone. That’s something you learned in the Enchanted Forest. Don’t trust anyone. But now all this pain is crashing down on you.

“Yeah, hi, there we go. Just listen to my voice. It’s going to be okay. Can you tell me what’s wrong?” Neal asks and slowly places his hands on your lifted and bent arms to ground you to the matter at hand. You flinch at the touch, expecting him to bring more pain, but are surprised when it doesn’t. But you also don’t lean into it, it’s just there. “R-ringing” You’re able to scramble out before another harsh wave of it grinds in your ears. This time being the worst of them all. You yell in agony, surprising both Neal and Hook.

“What’s happening? Y/n?” Neal tries to break through to you, but it’s no use. He moves his hands to your own and tries prying them off, to see if your injured where they’re covering. Your fighting defenses are off guard because of the pain, making it easy for him to remove your hands from your ears. And the sight of what lays beneath them makes both of the men utterly confused and worried, more so than before.

There’s thick, dark blood oozing out of your ears and smeared on the palms of your hand. “That’s not normal” Hook states in shock. “No shit” Neal answers in a state of worry. You look down at your hands that are now clutched in Neal’s and it takes you off guard as well at seeing all the blood. But that doesn’t last for long before all the ringing in your ears grow more until it’s unbearable. Your sight goes foggy and your mind is hazy, the next second, your body leans to the side, about to hit the ground from losing consciousness.

Before you can hit the ground, Neal brings you into his embrace, holding your side against his chest. Your body slumps fully against him, signalling you’ve passed out. Hook then remembers the vial of potion. He clutches it from his pocket and knicks the cork off with his hook. “The potion” he says in the midst of doing it. “Yes, quick, see if it’ll work” Neal eyes the bottle, hoping it will bring you back to consciousness.

The older man places the opening of the vial against your slightly parted lips and tips it up, making the potion enter your system. You somehow reactively swallow it in this state, but it doesn’t seem to have any quality to wake you. “Damn it” Neal grinds out seeing as it did nothing. Hook tosses the empty vial to the side out of frustration. Their attention is pulled to the scene in front of them.

“What happened?” Regina appeared in a puff of dark purple and black smoke. She makes her way over to the pirate and Neal, who has a passed out you rested against him. “We don’t know, she was clearly in a lot of pain. And then when I removed her hands from her ears, we saw this.” He nods to the blood that’s starting to dry at your ears and upper neck. “Then she just collapsed. We gave her the potion, but it hasn’t done anything. I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.” Neal summarizes for her.

“Hold on a moment. How did you know she was here? I thought the crocodile said not to use magic, and that little show you appeared in, was clearly magic. Dark by the looks of it.” Killian holds his hook up to the woman in front of them. “Well, I didn’t know something like this would have happened, I just wanted to speed this search up for her. It’s not like we could just keep a look out for her for hours on end. This way, I had eventually found her.” Regina defends herself, but it’s not exactly the best excuse in these circumstances.

“He gave the warning earlier because something like this could have happened! Why the hell else would he have said that?!” Neal exclaims at the explanation Regina gave. His anger is bubbling up. How could she be so reckless knowing something bad could have happened?! You may not believe them, but you’re his little sister, and he never wanted to see you get hurt like this. Ever. So hearing that Regina did this and knew about the warning his father had given makes his blood boil.

“And maybe if you had waited just a little longer than you would have gotten the call form us that we had already since she was this close. It would have been only a matter of minutes for us to have seen her. But now she’s hurt and unconscious. Amazing job your majesty” Hook adds on in a sneer at the name he calls her, his anger also rising along with Neal’s.

“Put your hook down, you’re not going to use it” Regina scoffs at the pirate, diverting their attention to something else. “No, no, you don’t just get to change the subject. Now I’m aware that you may not be related to Y/n by blood, but technically she is a part of this family. And you and I both know that if it were Henry in her place, you wouldn’t have even tried to do that spell knowing that something bad could happen.” Neal tells her as he holds you tightly to his chest.

“Aye, Neal’s right. And don’t think for a second that I wouldn’t use this” Killian moves his arm so the silver of his hook catches the glare from the sun. “Hell, I’m technically not even considered actual family with you people, but I wouldn’t have even done to her what you did” He puts his arm down, but the underlying threat still lingering.

“Look, I’m sorry, I didn’t know it would be this bad. I can do a spell to fix this-“ She gets cut off. “No! No more of your magic. We’ll go to my father. I’m sure Emma already alerted everyone else about what you did. Assuming you were with her when you cast that spell.” Neal glares at her. “Fine. I’ll phone Gold” Regina huffs out a sigh, not excited for what’s to come. When someone that Gold cares about gets hurt, there’s no escaping his wrath.

She dials the number on her phone, and it barely rings once before the man picks up. “What did you do” His voice hard through the phone speaker. Clearly, he was informed. “Look, get angry with me later. Where are you guys?” She asks, assuming everyone has already met back up at this news.

“Meet us at my shop with Y/n. Don’t think this is over” Rumple says before hanging up before she can speak again. “He said to meet at his shop” Regina informs the two men, leaving out the other things Rumple said to her. She doesn’t need them reveling in that info. And at that exact moment, Neal’s phone starts ringing, Emma’s name lighting up on the screen. The man tries not to jostle you as he grabs the phone from his pants pocket and answers it. “Hey, Emma. No need to fill us in on anything, we know. Y/n’s with me and Hook. Along with Regina” Neal glares at the woman for a moment before Emma replies. “Okay, so you know where to meet?”

“Yeah, at the pawn shop. We’ll be there soon” He hangs the phone up after exchanging ‘byes’ with Emma. He tucks his phone back into his pocket, “Okay, we need to go. No magic.” He looks at Regina pointedly.

“I’ve got it” Regina bites back, her face hardened in the mask she put up for knowing what she’s going to be up against with Rumple. As well as for the worry she feels in her gut for you. The way they used Henry in your situation makes her stomach clench with fear, knowing that she was terribly wrong for what she’d done.

Neal hooks his left arm under your legs and his right around your back. With a heave of strength, he stands to his feet with you lifted in his arms. He makes sure your body and head settle against his chest and not the other way, to assure you’re secure in his hold. The next moment, he’s walking side by side with Hook into the busy part of town and to the pawn shop.

Regina follows behind, her arms crossed and her heels clicking against the pavement. She herself, makes sure to stay quiet, not wanting to endure another session of Neal and the pirate yelling at her. She gets it, what she did wasn’t the smartest thing in the world. Plus, she still probably has to go up against a very angered Gold. She needs to save her energy for that oncoming fight. Because as much as it has been proven Belle can calm him down, there’s no way it will fully work with something like this. Just by the way her old mentor sounded on the phone was tell enough to her.

As you’re being carried by Neal, thankfully your physical condition with the bleeding out of the ears doesn’t re-start, but it does still look bad and off-putting. He carries you easily down the street, ignoring the stares he, you, and Hook are receiving from the townspeople.

When the shop comes into sight, he automatically picks up the pace, getting to the building quickly. Hook opens the door, making it easy for Neal to carry you in. As well as surprisingly holding it open for Regina but doesn’t hold back the glare stained on his face for her, more so than the one he already had for her before.

[animeyanderetalker]

So you finished enies lobby eh? How’s ur one piece journey so far, and do you have any brief thoughts on the straw hats (so far)?

I’m giving you my honest review here because as much as I like the series so far, I also have my fair share of stuff I don’t enjoy.

I adore the world in One Piece. I’ve been a big fan of Pirates of the Caribbean as a child and I have always wished back then that I would see Jack Sparrow exploring all mysterious islands and finding all treasures. I got that with One Piece but even better. Each island feels unique and whilst there are definitely pacing problems at times even this early for me, I do love the aspects of exploring each individual island and learning about the rules, the environment and the life of the people calling it their home. I know that the Skypiea Arc isn’t that beloved amongst Anime fans but I really loved the arc due to the unique and interesting setting the island in the sky had. From its past to the inventions to the way people live in the sky, everything has so much personality and that has been the case with every major island so far. The sense of adventure and curiosity I always get whilst getting to know a new island is really addictive and I love the foreshadowing. The fact that the end of the Going Merry had already been hinted during the Skypiea Arc but was only revealed during the Water 7 Arc is insane and from what I have heard, Oda is great in foreshadowing and I’m looking forward to that.

What I find myself struggling with, and I don’t know if the Anime is partially exaggerating this sometimes, are the characters itself at times and the, in my opinion, lukewarm comedy that gets very repetitive and boring after a while.

Luffy:

I am actively struggling with the main character at times. Luffy is quite carefree, impulsive and does whatever he wants and it is not even that this is what I dislike about him. He has such heartfelt moments such as giving Nami his straw hat during the Arlong Park Arc despite the hat being a treasure for him or him defending the pirate flag of Chopper during the Drum Island Arc. It’s just that he sometimes is portrayed as so amazingly incompetent and stupid that I am agonizing over it. How can you get stuck twice within the same arc in between two walls and then spend episodes there whilst your friends are trying to save Robin?? Him being a glutton is expected, older Shounen protagonists just seem to have a habit of having a black hole instead of a stomach. I also still don’t understand how he learnt Gear 2 and 3 in such a short time considering that I cannot recall a time where he had time to properly train.

Roronoa Zoro:

I have very little to criticize about Zoro. Luckily his character gag of always getting lost isn’t something that is thrown into my face every episode so I can tolerate it. He’s a man of honor and I like seeing him on screen, but I’m still waiting for that one moment of him where I go from liking him to loving him. I also feel like he suffered in the Enies Lobby Arc from being paired with uninteresting opponents to fight against (Kaku and Jabra).

Nami:

I love and hate Nami at the same time. But the reason why I hate her isn’t even her own fault. As a character I love how she isn’t someone who is actively fighting and has admittedly not the most interesting fights but without her literally nothing would work. As a navigator she is irreplaceable and without her skills the Straw Hats would go nowhere. Her backstory was also heartbreaking but Oda seems quite skillful when it comes to writing a good and tragic backstory. The reason why I hate her though is because she has become more and more a victim of sexualization the further the story has progressed and I just know that it’ll get even worse. I have seen the pictures of her after the timeskip and it is so infuriating because she didn’t look like this at the beginning of the story. The freaking scene in the Arabasta Arc where she was sexualized from a camel and a crab was a different low for me because it’s the first time I have seen animals thirsting over a female character.

Usopp:

Usopp is a character I also find myself struggling with. On the one hand his creativity and his craftsmanship are to be admired. This is a man who invented Nami’s Clima-Tact and was the shipwright before Franky joined. On the other hand his character gags of being the big coward can get a little bit tiring after a while for me. I really loved the Water 7 Arc because it showed him in a much more serious light which was a nice change for once. And I am going to be quite honest here with you, I did not enjoy the whole Sogeking sequence. I understand that he was too ashamed to face his friends after he had left the crew but it got a tad bit annoying to me after a while. I was also not surprised that Luffy and Chopper were the only ones who didn’t recognize him in his disguise.

Vinsmoke Sanji:

I actually really enjoyed Sanji’s character when he was first introduced. I admired his ideology of not letting anyone starve due to his own experience of being stranded on an island without much food and the relationship he had going on with Zeff and the other chefs was heartwarming. However, his simp character has significantly increased since then to the point where it has gotten frustrating and annoying. I remember that scene in the Skypiea Arc where the Going Merry was kidnapped with a few crew members still onboard. And the first thing that left Sanji’s mouth then was that he was disappointed that Nami wasn’t in bikini anymore. I think that is the moment where I started not liking his character as much anymore and from what I have heard, it’ll become a lot more worse. It’s really disappointing in my opinion because he could be such a cool character but around women he is always reduced to a simp with heart eyes.

Tony Tony Chopper:

Chopper is adorable and I love his versatile forms he can use with his Rumble Ball. But I just wish that the show would actually give him more recognition because the 50 Berries he has on his head as of now and the fact that he was called a pet on those wanted posters is saddening. Because not only can he actually fight because he took down one of the CP9 members but he is the doctor of the ship and fulfills such an important role because of it. He is more than just a cute little animal and I hope that will be more recognized.

Nico Robin:

Robin is as of now my favorite character and I have literally nothing I can criticize about her. She is intelligent, her backstory is my favorite as of now and I love how her character also shows that it isn’t only pure strength alone that can be dangerous in the eyes of others but also intelligence. She was wanted for simply knowing how to read Poneglyphs. I’m also happy that she hasn’t been sexualized in the Anime so far and I pray to god that she won’t get the Nami treatment later on. I also love her dark and blunt sense of humor.

Franky:

Franky is incredibly likable. He is as of now the newest member of the Straw Hats so I have not as much to say about him but he is also a well built character with a nice introduction. The relationship he had going on with Iceberg and his past with Tom were well written and despite his rowdy experience he has a heart made out of gold. The fact that he took all outsiders in Water 7 under his wings and gave them a new home and purpose says really all you need to know about him and I’m looking forward to seeing more of him.

[one-of-many-journeys]

Day 66

Banuk Encampment

I left the camp just before dawn in furs appropriate for the journey north.

I was jumped by a bunch of bandits on the way, making short work of them. Do they have some sort of bounty out on my head? I assume if they did know who I was and what I'd done to every bandit clan from here to the Jewel, they would stay away.

On the path to the Cut.

Sekuli's painting is even more impressive in the daylight.

Riding north to Ourea's retreat.

On the way, I stopped to help a group of huntresses take down some Scrappers and harvest their parts.

Past the ruins of Deep Din and ancient highways, then up the steep climb. The retreat, or the 'auxiliary data centre', was empty when I arrived, which I was thankful for. As interesting as it would be to observe how Cyan deals with the Banuk's faith when speaking to them, I don't plan to stay here long.

I told Cyan all I'd learnt about Zero Dawn and what happened to Gaia. She didn't know what could have sent the signal that woke Hades, only speculated along the same lines that I already had. Another human settlement with advanced technology, maybe one that had been able to learn from Apollo, or another advanced AI gone rogue somewhere in the world. Maybe if I can gather more data at Gaia Prime, Cyan will be able to make sense of it.

Given what I'd learnt about Hephaestus, Cyan was able to understand the programming directives that had seemed nonsensical when she was enslaved to it. Since it created Gaia's machines, it seems logical that, given sentience and emotional capacity all of a sudden, it would feel protective over those creations and want to preserve them. Seeing human hunters kill and strip machines for parts, it must have first made those machines defend themselves more aggressively, then began to engineer new machines that could further deter hunters and reduce their overwhelming numbers. I can't see all the tribes the world over giving up on hunting anytime soon—assuming there were survivors in the other Cradles at all. Machine parts are essential for our way of life. Our only option is to stop Hephaestus.

I aired a few of my theories to Cyan. First, about the signal that had been making the machines docile just south of the Cut. She agreed that it was likely a piece of Gaia, perhaps ejected in the explosion that destroyed her. Gaia would have had complete control over the machines, even if by default they acted more wary and protective than the machines I found at the encampment. It must have been a piece of her core intelligence, given the signal was coming from a processor core used to hold AIs like Cyan in the Old World. I also asked Cyan about the metal flowers, and she said these were likely a consequence of the erratic terraforming system and their newly self-aware sub-functions. The poetry must have been uploaded to the sub-function's codebase during its development, and now the function was building its mechanical flowers surrounded by real ones, those it was built to seed, embedded with this poetry. Maybe it has the capacity to understand it now. Given what I know about Gaia's functions, I'm guessing the culprit is Demeter.

Cyan said that things with the Banuk were going well. She was trying to acknowledge their faith while giving them scientific explanations for their convictions. The blue light, for example, and the mechanics behind its emission. I wouldn't mind hearing that explanation myself, but I had to keep moving. I doubt the Nora will be receptive to that technique if I try to employ it myself.

Back on the mountain roads, my Charper was pounced on by a Sawtooth. I didn't stay and fight; just tied it down and rode on my way. All the snow makes falls like this so much more pleasant.

Passing across the salt flats, warmed by rising steam, I made my way back south, tending east toward Longnotch to meet with Varga.

On the way, I was attacked by bandits for the second time today! Somehow they're still crawling around these parts even after I turned Stone Yield back over to the Banuk. Looking for a way south, maybe—wait until they hear that I've been there too.

More fishing on the lake by Longnotch, this time with my bow. The stitchers around here seem to prefer fish in exchange for repairing my satchels.

I handed over my Stormslinger to Varga once I arrived in Longnotch, along with the Stormbird talon I picked up outside Free Heap. Once again, I watched Varga work with awe and interest as night fell. She turned what was a weapon I'd been avoiding in favour of my war bow and sling into a deadly deliverer of shock blasts powerful enough to fell any machine. Dangerous though; the coils could easily overload after successive blasts, building up force in the weapon itself. I could fry myself from my fingertips inward if I'm not careful.

Varga didn't even charge me for her three fine pieces of work. Burgrend would be mortified, but I didn't want to protest the chance away. Varga enjoys her work and is certainly the best weapons maker I've come across, except perhaps for Petra. I told Varga to head to Free Heap and seek out its mayor if she was ever inclined.

Bedded down in the camp after dark. Tomorrow I'll put this new Stormslinger to a proper test at the Hunting Grounds. It'll be the perfect opportunity to beat Aratak's Chieftain's trial time as well.

[c0rinarii]

Gonna recompile some thoughts about the 13SAR characters now that im past midpoint!

Juro: Oh its getting juicy.... unfortunately my boy is still as intresting as a plank of sheet wood but im intrested to see if his character goes anywhere outside of the Kyuta stuff going on. Im also sorry i ever suggested to u to make out with Kyuta.

Iori: SHE'S SO FUNNY.... I aspire to have even an inch of her whimsy and dedication to being so #normal. I too would like to confess to my weird as hell crush disregarding the fact he's a dangerous fugitive. Girl of All Time

Shuu: Frat bot facade is slowly starting to crumble and im here to see it. Uncover the truth, gayboy‼️

Megumi: I FEEL SO SORRY FOR U GIRL.... 😭 May you find peace in the future but its an overall shitty situation to be in. truly have her in my thoughts and prayers

Natsuno: I WAS SO HEARTBROKEN TO SEE HER WHIMSY FADE AWAY ONCE SHE FOUND OUT ABOUT THE TRUE NATURE OF THE KAIJU 😭😭 I love that she managed to maintain her optimism despite the awful situation she's been put in though. Still a joy to see pop up on the screen

Keitaro: HE REALLY IS A GOOD BOY... He's just trying his best and i love him for that. You'll save everyone you care about i promise [IMPERIALISM IS LYING TO U AND TAKATOSHI!! I SWEAR]

Takatoshi: Boys be fighting demons and demons is bisexuality. I enjoy him a Regular amount and i appreciate seeing his himboisms so much in the game. I never want to seem him That sad again [IMPERIALISM IS LYING TO U AND KEITARO!! I SWEAR]

Okino:

Yuki: MY PRINCE.... MY SHINING STUD‼️‼️ I love her a very normal ammount and seeing her slowly uncover the truth is nice to see. Definetily much smarter than she think she is.

Gouto: The fact that he is ong for real Ryoko's government assigned boyfriend is the funniest thing to come out of the game so far. He's still gated behind a huge completion milestone but so far i feel like he's trying to make sense of the situation the best he can. Unlike Tomi though, he's very scared of the circumstances of if he disobeys orders, i think.

Ryoko: She's been such a mood so far that i now think of her with her hands on her head when i stress about my uni deadlines. Im so sorry for Ida being anywhere near her life. She should get a wife to kiss and heal her. I give her full permission to kill anyone who breaks her heart. My snarky queen

Ei: HE ACTUALLY GREW ON ME I CANT BELIEVE IT. He really reminds me if the cool rivals with a soft spot you'd see in shonen anime and I cant be too mad at that. I enjoy how taciturn he can be too.

Nenji: HE'S ACTUALLY SUCH A SWEETHEART... knowing that he was childhood friends with Miwako really made me like him more (esp with how he treats her!) Loveable idiot.

Tomi: MY MUTUAL... OOMF IN ARMS... #GIRL IN LAW. Literally love how's she's written her personality is so so colorful. She has definitely said some out of pocket shit on twitter before and ill defend her with my life.

Miwako: I WILL WRITE YOU INTO RELEVANCY MYSELF‼️‼️There is so much oppurtunity to write her as one of the 15. LET THEM BE 16‼️‼️ HER "easy to develop crushes" SELF CAN BE MADE INTO SOMETHING MUCH BIGGER TO THE NARRATIVE RAUGHHH

Chihiro: I can see she's really trying her best to save everyone from the kaiju and seems to resort to any means neccesary to do so... i appreciate the effort despite the uh. [gestures] unethical treatment towards minors ig

Ida: EVERYTHING IS LITERALLY UR FAULT. I CANT BELIEVE IT. This would be half the disaster if you learnt how to sod it with ur selfish desires i swear.

Kyuta, Not-Tamao, 426, Izumi: I CLOCKED UR SHIT, SNEAKY BITCH. I dont trust a word you say. """"Means well"""" in the end i think but has way more messed up ways to go around it compared to Morimura

Miyuki: So far looking like the only person willing to help these kids in a way that would not give them severe trauma. Rooting for u girl.

[No thoughts on Tamao since i consider Erika as 426]

[kasu-m1]

Kasumi ♠️:

Basics :

-Name : Kasumi

-surname : Tenshiro

-age : 20

- birth date : 13 june

-Gender : woman

-sexuality : straight

Appearance :

-height : 160 cm

-weight : 54 kg

- hair : short, straight & black

- eyes : left : grey ish blue (scarred)/ right : black (minnow)

-skin : pale beige

-body type : rather muscular

(Here’s a some art I made !)

Personality :

- best at ♠️ games

- first impression : cold, distant, quiet, serious

- beliefs : doesn’t really believe in any god but believes in life after death

- fav color : purple n blue

- greatest strength : physical

- greatest weakness : social interactions (lmao)

- pessimistic realistic

- introvert

- skilled : armed and hand-to-hand combats

- unskilled : collaborating with others

Game skills :

Best at ♠️

Good at ♦️

Okay ish at ♣️

Least good at ♥️

More random details

- she’s ambidextrous (can use both hands equally well and doesn’t have a dominant hand)

- chews on fingernails (not really because of stress but she developed the habit of doing it)

- often cracks her knuckles and neck sometimes without even realizing

- high pain tolerance (this will make sense when you read the story)

- gives off cyber like vibes (kinda like the banner)

- she can analyze people quite accurately but when it comes to social interactions with new people, oof

- she’s awkward. And no not the “omg she’s so awkward cutie”, more like the “can look you dead in the eyes without talking for 38 mins” awkward.

- sarcasm is like a coping mechanism for her. Thing is sometimes it actually takes time for people to get it because of how serious she looks

- has a soft spot for cats but will NEVER show or admit it.

- she does talk more to people she considers as “friends”

- always wears a hairpin that her sister gave her (on the pic)

- the scars on her left and her right cheek are due to some street fights she had.

Lore

“You were an amazing person. Then you became my saddest memory.”

Before the Bordelands

Kasumi’s pov

I was too young to remember my parent’s divorce but from what she told me it was a hard moment.

Mother is mean. She doesn’t care about us and she doesn’t love us like mothers do, but she told me that mother is mean because she’s aching, because she misses dad. Even when he hits her. So she’s the one who takes care of me. My real mom.

My sister, she raised me and gave me the love I needed from a mother who didn’t care about me, about both of us. She played the role of a parent I never had and she sweet oh so sweet. I never thought so much sweetness could turn bitter so quickly.

One day coming home from school at thirteen, I expected the usual greeting when I entered my sister’s room. Her caring gaze and her comforting arms. But I got neither. What I got was her cold, lifeless body hanging from the ceiling light.

What happened next was fast and blurry.

I think I screamed, my mother entered the room and she was equally shocked. Police came next. They tried to talk to me but I wasn’t responsive. A part of me died with her that day.

~

After that, my mother tried to make things “right” with me. I hated it, only her death made her realize how awful she’s been ?

I lost what I cared about and I wanted to join her, but I couldn’t.

“…Kasu, live on for me. You’ll do amazing, or at least better than me at life. I love you…”

So I kept living by that line.

At 18 I got involved with the Yakuzas, I learnt how to defend myself and how real physical pain felt.

I was 20 then, when it occurred. The fireworks.

Borderlands :

3rd person pov

At first, she was extremely confused, and a bit panicked. But she quickly understood the way games worked.

Working her way through each games and soon finding the Beach, the Utopia in this cruel world.

Trouble was only starting.

She would spend most of her time roaming around alone in the beach. But soon came the time where she had to play a game to keep living.

She was sent to play with Chishiya since their skills were apparently a fit. She had physical strength and he had the intelligence. Their game was tag.

They won without much problem.

Relationships :

- Arisu : she finds him smart and fine to hangout with since he doesn’t speak that much. They both played games together and she finds him to be… useful.

- Usagi : almost the same as Arisu though she doesn’t speak with her as much for some reasons. She really admire her climbing skills.

- The hatter : he is… a bit too loud and weird. She doesn’t really like hanging out around him but she tolerates him.

- Aguni : she respects him but doesn’t like him. She tries to stay out of his way though to not have problems with the militants

- Niragi : she hates his loud self but respects him as a militant. She finds him to be overly annoying though. (Bonus : she sometimes wished to fight hand-to-hand against him if he wasn’t so crazy.)

- Kuina : she enjoys her presence. She surprisingly finds her talkativeness to be quite pleasant (probably because she doesn’t have to interact with anyone else when Kuina’s there). She considers her as a good acquaintance. (Also wishes to try and fight her someday in a friendly way).

- Chishiya : she feels… conflicted. She has trouble reading him and hates that stupid smirk of his for that. Even so, she ends us spending quite some time with him because she sticks around Kuina when she’s not alone, roaming. She doesn’t particularly hates him but doesn’t trust him that much. (Bonus : she finds his intelligence impressive but would never admit it)

- Ann : She is positive about her, she like the way she deals with the games and everything in general. But most of all, she loves her seriousness and professionalism in every situation.

-mun 🩻🫀

[swimmingclassicrockpizzawombat]

TW: abuse and suicide and SH

It's also earie how much I've been connecting to their stories even though my absue never went as far.

Even my dynamics with my brother are somewhat similar.

Specially that Erick was ORIGINALLY planning to end his life after his parents forbid him from moving away to college... as that was his only escape plan.

I have never told anyone this but my first suicide attempt was at 17 and it happened because I didn't get into any college... and college was my only escape plan. I refused to live another year in hell.

A big part of the reason I moved to another country for college was to escape my family and get as far away from their abuse. Even now I feel like my parents have full control over me financially.

Now imagine being in HIS situation where his dad is a millionaire with influence.

I would never kill my parents but I know that feeling of hopelessness and feeling you have no other choice. Feeling stuck in an abusive home envieonment you can't escape from and then having all your plans ripped from you. And it's a very real feeling.

I was terrified of my dad. I still have flashbacks of the one time he caught me self harming and how violent he got and how terrified I was.

Of him coming home from work and slamming or breaking stuff. Me and my brother get flashbacks from loud noises like slamming doors or fireworks to this day. We learnt to recognize people by the sound of their footsteps out of fear.

I learn to read my mom and I could predict when she was gonna slap me. I knew when I defended myself if I'd taken it too far and a slap/smack was coming.

We knew, as well as every latino kid in the neighborhood what a belt sounded like and what the procedure was. You get down on your knees, lift your shirt, clench your teeth and take it.

And yes my brother and I don't like each other but we do have a sense of kinship because of this.

I remember one time my brother stepped in and stopped my mom from hitting me with a belt as I was already in full position to take it.

You LEARN to fear your parents and you feel trapped.

They bought the shotguns because they genuinely thought their dad was gonna kill them. People aroun them teatified

As an abuse victim I can recognize another abuse victim. I make light of my trauma but I can't actually talk about it without hyperventilating and having a panic attack. And to have people say they were faking that when there is so much evidence in their favor just because they were men and men don't get abused is wild to me.

[boid0ll]

it’s an incredibly alienating experience to be going through an experience that is so peculiar to you and you alone, (& i don't believe it is) my hope increases now to be blessed with a plenitude of time and attention from a more knowing and secure spiritual family in the future because there has to be someway of letting these things happen in less violent ways that leaves me so vulnerable and at the mercy of people who say what i'm articulating "doesn't make sense" or immediately classify things so clinically as euro-centric living has taught them to do. i'm hardly ever wrong, even when it takes years to show. y'all never heard of clairvoyance from jumping through time?

i am having to defend my experiences so much, experiences that are too coincidental and too real to be merely going through some episode. myself, i've learnt to stop looking for clarity. if a whole Ọrúnmìlà Baba Ifá, Olúwo ogbón ikíní has plunged into the mysteries of life thousands of years ago and found some inexplicable things to be more foolish the more wisdom and clarity sought, then i have left mysteries as mysteries. this life that holds so many years of evil is as foolish as foolish gets, and sometimes it’s best to not continue to poke, especially since i’ve seen how most of it was the foolishness of man in action.

it is unfortunate too, that people and the people around me take my words at surface value. this is not surprising when divining has also confirmed that this how people take me. before, these things used to ache, but knowing how scarce time and access to me is going to be, i'm not even bugging after this. honestly let this be the last time i waste breath on how people treat me. people only believe things after they have been bitten by what you were warning them about. people only pay attention when blessings come, when they see you flexing and balling which is again so unfortunate when i've offered insights and access when they had access 2 me. but then again, even blood relations & strangerz will see you swimming in goodness and say you did juju (that does not exist in the way people think it does).

so what even is the point of being energetically or emotionally tied to anybody or anything that is not standing where you are standing? I'M OVER IT!

i am incredibly proud of my bravery, excited and both terrified for what is ahead because lmao you don’t wrestle with death many times and lose, go through the compounded mystical i went through and not have a wilder and even more mysterious life ahead. last week i was very physically convinced i couldn’t do any of this anymore, and somehow i’m still there, AND i want pampering please. orun match up my aspirations, let me cackle when the wordz & access not free no more but also just really being so focused on the shit i'm building to not give one fuck. AIRPLANE MODE PART II.

😫😫😫 no more Ògbójú Ọdẹ nínú Igbó Ayéìkà yìí. an awo who is suffering is not real, neither r they a real one. i'm serious orun.😫

lately, life fucked me in the ass in the most violently delightful queer way but i took it, laughing for most of it. i want to know about these laughterzz. why?

what does this mean ?

who have i become ?

i don’t know what do with a newer capacity to feel pain, pleasure, rage, lust and ecstatic fantasy all at the same time but i do know i am hungrier and even more dangerous. more dangerous than when life fucked me in the puss puss.

i sucked my own dick so hard the divine said let me show you something ?! what has been done????? omooooooo sweet divine let my search for answers and time henceforth be osunfied sweet mothers rain on me 💦✨🍀🤧🤒🤲🏿😭🤱🏾🍯🌻💍👑🐒🦭🦩🪸🌷🌼🌸

[iwa-ch4n]

pairing; xiao x gn!reader

word count; 1031

description; xiao has always been adamant not to show weakness, emotion or vulnerability. you somehow manage to worm yourself through to him anyway

warnings; none, just some tender fluff with xiao

----

The calm, warm air of the Wangshu Inn enveloped you as you returned after a long day - well, two days - out in the wilderness. Normally, you’d go out for the day and return to your room in the evening, but you had been forced to camp out outside after a hilichurl attack left you too weak to walk and too afraid to venture further in the darkness.

But you managed to get back, and after fending off Verr Goldet’s concern at the cuts and bruises that covered you head to toe, you got back to your room to bandage yourself up and regain your strength, warmth flowing through you as you thought about the boss’s message to you.

“By the way, Xiao has been on the top floor balcony for longer than usual. I get the feeling he’s waiting for you”

No matter how tired you were, you couldn’t deny visiting the adeptus, who preferred to be alone and yet had only objected your company the first time you met. So you made the short treck up the stairs, finding him in his usual spot, leaning against the balcony railing.

"Verr Goldet says you've been waiting for me," you said as a form of greeting, and he didn’t flinch at your sudden voice. He never did. You often wondered if he could sense your presence, or if his hearing was so acute he could hear your soft footsteps approaching.

"I don't know where she got such an idea from," he responded, though not harshly, gaze still fixed on the distant outline of the mountains.

"You don't have to admit it, Xiao. I'm just happy you missed me," you laughed, slowly walking closer to him.

"I didn't miss you. You didn't come back last night, and I was," he faltered for a moment, barely able to accept the emotion, let alone admit it out loud. But he’d started the sentence now, so he resolved to spit it out, "worried."

You didn’t know what to say to that, so you simply leant against the railing next to him, meeting his eyes for the first time that night. He scanned over you, your slightly messy bandages, processing your injuries.

"It seems rightfully so," he continued, turning his head away again, "you mortals are so frail, and yet you constantly pick fights."

"I'll have you know the hilichurls were the ones that picked a fight with me. As well as the treasure hoarders I ran into on the way back," you defended, watching one of his eyebrows tilt up slightly.

"You got beaten up this badly by some hilichurls?"

If you hadn’t known him better, his tone would have sounded condescending, another allusion to human weakness and fragility. But you did know him, and you knew it wasn’t mocking; it was disbelief. You were a capable adventurer and fighter, usually finding no trouble in fighting hilichurls, and you felt a warmth in your chest that he acknowledged this, no matter how indirectly.

"I think I fought more hilichurls yesterday than I have in the rest of my life combined," you admitted, turning to meet his eyes. You watched every subtle flicker of emotion - worry, pain, affection. It always astounded him how you could read him like a book; he had spent millennia building up walls, yet it seemed you’d picked the lock to a door he didn’t know existed and waltzed right in. And yet, when you read him, you never read him aloud. He was not a poem or a play, his emotions not the story of a storyteller. If anything, they were a personal letter, one to read in privacy and stash under your pillow, replying only with your own letter, a look in your own eyes.

"Call me. Next time you're in trouble,” he managed, finally looking away from you. The image of you struggling alone against a crowd of hilichurls made his heart twist and bend painfully, and emotion he didn’t think he wanted to name or understand.

"I'll have you know I can handle myself fine on my own," you replied lightly, ignoring the sting of your bandaged wounds. 

"You could've died," he stated, but with none of the usual nonchalance nor anger with which he usually spoke about death. His voice was soft. He sounded almost pained at the idea. He was so well acquainted with endings, the mortality of humans nothing new to him, as inevitable and unimportant as a tree branch having an end. But you were different. He didn’t want to ask himself why.

"And how will you know when I'm calling you, huh?"

Xiao willingly showing vulnerability was a delicate situation, a tightrope you had just about learnt to walk across. You kept the atmosphere light, offering slight joking comments, encouraging him to continue without pushing him too far.

"Don't concern yourself with that. Just... When you're in trouble, say my name. I'll be there," he insisted, meeting your eyes once again. You didn’t think you’d ever seen his expression so gentle before, and it forced a lump into your throat and a small smile onto your face.

"One condition," you said, and he didn’t have to agree for you to know he was ready and listening. The condition was a risk; you were willingly jumping off the tightrope and praying for a soft landing. But walking the rope showed no signs of getting you to the floor, and your heart was longing to be grounded, "kiss me."

Xiao remembered a great deal of his long life, but he did not remember the last time he moved so desperately, catching his lips on yours. The kiss was soft, only lasting a moment, but it still left you breathless, heart beating faster than ever or perhaps stopped altogether. You stared at him in wonder as he stayed close, your noses only millimeters apart, his eyes scanning every inch of your face in admiration.

"Xiao," was all you could manage to say, barely a whisper against his lips, bringing his attention back to your eyes.

"I'm here."

You knew him well enough to know that that was his way of saying ‘I love you’.

[b000mbayah]

Bully!Itzys reaction to prime victim talking back

꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷꒦꒷

Yeji

The awful sound of another chair being scraped up to my desk is ear twitching to say the least, but I keep my focus.

"Y/n" her voice is noticeable amongst the crowded classroom, irritation is evident within the words of which she had called upon.

I look up, my hands keeping in place of where my eyes had left the textbook. "I beg your pardon" I smile lightly as she glares at me with hatred.

"Quit it" she speaks with authority, thinking she has a saying in what I do.

"Quit what?" I ask, blinking once in an innocent manner.

"Yah, are you dumb!" Yeji slams her palms on the table, remaining seated.

"When you think about it everyone on this earth is truly dumb, how can someone be defined as being well educated?" I could sense the annoyance in the way she looks at me, how her jaw is tightly clenched to the point where it may just shatter.

"You better stop ruining Ryujins chances" Yeji defends one of her closest friends.

"That's not my fault, she was the one who cheated on the test, so she shall be the one to deal with said punishment" 

"Yeah, and because of you she's been put on the line for debate" 

"I don't see why I should care, it's not my problem" her hands tighten into fists, her figure becomes shaky with my words.

"What are you doing?" My seatmate whispers her eyes wide with concern as she flicks them between me and my long lasting bully Hwang Yeji.

"You know, you've changed. You're now speaking back, that's only gonna put you in more danger" Yeji smirks, not allowing me time to answer the girl to my side.

"Maybe I should teach you some lessons" She smirks, satisfied with herself.

"The fundamental purpose of school is learning, not teaching. Focus on yourself, like I am with myself. Maybe then you'll learn a few things for your closed minded mindset" now it's my turn to smirk as I wipe hers clean off, a curseful scowl leaving her mouth.

"You best watch your back Lim, you never know who could strike you" she stands, dragging the chair away as she goes over to her desk.

"Same goes for you, except, you know who will strike you in the end"

Lia

The godforsaken sound of Lias' usually soft voice isn't something I want to be hearing during class. She's sat behind me with her childish group that tends to target me more so than others.

"Y/n, please" the teacher pauses my reading to criticise me "your English, it seems that you have forgotten half of what you've learnt"

Lias snickering and giggling have decided to make themselves present. "Miss Choi, maybe you'd have something to say?" She pauses, her laughter stopping almost immediately.

"Ah, no Mr li" she gives him her signature heart fluttering smile, her eyes narrowing with the smile.

"Very well then" he turns to the board, writing down various words in English with the Korean translation next to them. "Since miss Lim couldn't pronounce these words the correct way… we will go through them together" 

I listen to the classes groaning, however, I myself, I just smile with gratitude. 

"Welldone" Lia grumbles, the sound of something hitting her desk in defeat.

"Says you, you were the one that sounded like a hyena with that psycho giggle. You had me fooled, I could've sworn someone let a monkey into the classroom" she gasps, eyebrows narrowed, knitting together in annoyance.

"At least I don't look like one" she fires back a weak insult.

"At least I look like one" I mimic her voice,  a twisted smile on my face.

"That's real mature coming from someone who can't say the simplest of words in english" 

"Girls, stop this" the teacher demands.

"Says the girl who can't hold a stable relationship for more than two days" she huffs, rolling her eyes with a grumpy frown

"Don't look so sad, that face doesn't suit you" I turn around, facing the teacher as he looks at us with disappointment and rage.

"Girls, that's your warning, anything else and you'll be going to the headteacher" he snaps before turning around once again, finishing off a sentence.

"Don't try me" Lia leans forwards, whispering in my ear "it will always end in favour of me" 

"Don't talk to me, it will always end in shambles for you" I speak back, finally being able to focus on the teacher now.

Ryujin

Blabbering, nonsense, bickering. Everyone in the classroom seems to be enjoying themselves after the teacher's big announcement.

He had revealed the test results and being the annoying male he is, he revealed my result, the lowest result of the class. The highest had a score of 97, while me? Only 13.

Me and Ryujin are different in many ways, the main difference being that I wouldn't ruin someone else's chances at success by swapping out the names on our test sheets.

"How does it feel? You know, to get the lowest score in the entire class" Ryujin mocks me, a very playful grin playing like the devil upon her facial features.

"Why are you asking me?"

"Because you got the lowest in the class" 

I shake my head "no, actually you did. You're just lucky the teacher didn't realise your horrible job of scribbling out our names. Though, it would've been funny"

"Excuse me, are you accusing me of cheating?"

"Yes, I'm also accusing you of fraud, you miss Shin, are guilty of fraud" she purses her lips, staring me down.

"You're lying"

"Ouh, I am? Then please explain why the handwriting on my sheet doesn't belong to me, it's an identical match to your handwriting though" I point to the writing in the sheet, it's messy and looks rushed. My handwriting is never rushed.

People say quality over quantity, especially the teachers here, so it comes as no surprise that I try my hardest to make everything at least readable, bare minimum.

"What a coincidence" Ryujin shrugs her shoulders without a single care in the world.

"Yeah, a coincidence, just like your existence" I send her a wink before turning back to her test results, looking down upon them with shame.

How could someone in our class be so stupid?

Better yet, how could someone in out class be so stupid, and get away with it?

Chaeryeong 

Just walking past Chaeryeong was never an option, the girl would side eye you till you're forced to cover your face, or so it felt that way.

The evil deeds in her sick and twisted mind are awful, like right now. I've only just gotten back from the bathroom and my chair is somehow covered in ink.

I was gone for two? three minutes, max.

"Miss Lim, please sit already" the teacher instructs me, watching me intensely as I move around my desk completely, staring down upon the dark substance that seemed to paint the chair it's lifeless color.

It's like a mass murder for pens, like an entire world war lol based off of pens.. it's concerning me. "Ah, Mr Li? Please may I have another chair, this one is covered in-"

"Do I look like I care miss Lim? Just sit so I can dismiss you" I sigh, slowly and carefully sitting on the disgusting chair. 

The laughs of Chaeryeong and her friends for sure didn't go undetected either. It's rather obvious at this point. I turn my head to my right, slowly but surely glaring into Chaeryeong's soul as she just smiles.

"Alright class, you're.. dismissed" he walks out, multiple students following as I just sit in despair, keeping my unwanted emotions locked and hidden away.

Her laughing approaches, it's like a horror movie, just without a murder and an annoying classmate who hates my guts.

"Are you okay down there?" She chuckles, watching me as I sit perfectly still, only moving the parts of me that aren't touching the chair

"I don't know, why don't you come and join me, your royal highness?"

"No can do, I don't touch village folks like you" the corners of her lips curve up by the slightest, a small smile coming into play.

"That's okay, I don't touch spoilt brats either" I give her the same small smile, she raises an eyebrow.

"She's actually talking for once, how cute" 

"No, what's cute is your lack of intelligence" I scoop some of the fresh ink off of the chair before standing up "next time think of something, make sure it can't backfire" 

And with that, I smear the pens insides all over her makeup covered face, ruining her look for the day.

Chaeryeong gasps before sulking, eventually storming out of the room to find some spare clothes… I should probably do the same...

Yuna

I was only helping some other student when the witch in this class had walked past me, sticking her nasty gum in my hair like I'm some bin for her nasty bacteria.

Even the boy I was helping had looked at Yuna in utter disgust. 

"What? It's just some gum, what's the big deal?" She tilts her head, her silent laugh somehow echoes in my ears.

Normally I wouldn't dare speak back to the cunning cow in the room but I just felt the need to do so this time, it's the third time this week and it's only Tuesday!

"What's the big deal? You stuck your nasty gum in my hair. I've seen the way you chew your gum, it's like watching a camel eat" 

"Hey, watch your mouth Lim!" She practically yells, pointing her manicured intex finger at me.

"Only if you learn to shut yours" the boy I was helping had become completely invested in whatever is going down between me and Yuna, a chuckle leaving his lips with every point I make, causing Yuna to look like the real fool here.

"Not only is your breath infecting the perfectly good air in here, but also the words that are leaving your mouth.. they're just as pathetic as you are"

Her facial expression resembled an enraged bull, I could've sworn I saw steam coming from her ears too.

"Shut it Lim" she half yells, not wanting to draw any unwanted attention from passing teachers or student councils. "You could never out do me, why are you even trying?" 

"I'm not trying, I'm succeeding" I respond, furrowing my eyebrows, feeling confused with her incorrect opinion.

"You're just mad that you can't be like me" she spits her words out like an animal, aggressive and pointless.

"Who would wanna be like you? You look and act like a witch. How haven't you been burnt at the stake or drowned like a rat yet?"

"Ouch" she grumbles "just wait till lunch" she charmingly smiles my way, covering the fact that she's not happy with how that just ended.

I roll my eyes, leaving the room to be gone of the icky gum still stuck to my hair covered scalp.

I mean, what's the worst she could do? Throw her milk at me?

[deardragonbook]

I'm trying to write a scene in my fanfic where my protagonist is living out on the streets after she escaped, and she runs into Izuku Midoriya, a canon character in BNHA (but that's not what I'm trying to focus on). She hardly slept for days, she's hungry, super irritated, with only a small switchblade to defend herself. How do I write a mugging situation?

Hello!

First of, I know I am VERY late. This probably isn't going to be any good for you, but it's kind of ironic I would do the fanfic writer trope of coming very very late with a pointless excuse about how I was finishing my degree and attending conferences for work... at least I find it funny.

Either way I'm going to answer for anybody else who may find this useful. Note I have never seen the show/anime/other to which this is referring so this isn't character specific.

Let's first take into account the symptoms of sleep deprivation:

-Slow thinking

-Reduces attention span

-Poor decision making capabilities

-Lack of energy

Next let's look at the symptoms of hunger:

-Light headed

-Lack of energy

-General weakness

Great, so we have our character's condition. She's not going to be stable on her feat and if she's irritable she will not be judging the danger correctly.

Though this could be an advantage in a sense, risky decision making means unexpected decisions, it means fighting harder than recommended because you're too tired to figure out you may lose.

You said defend herself so I'm figuring she's the one being mugged? She could well be at a point where she has less to lose than the person mugging her so the best technique if your looking for her to win is to go hard, don't step back, don't back down, attack. Let your enemy be intimidated by your lack of fear.

If your plan is for her to lose, then it can be as simple as tripping over her own feat, if you've ever been extra hungry or tired and gotten up very fast, you know that dizzy feeling, well, the same can be expected when you get in a fight, exerting your body more than it's ready for.

Without more context it's hard for me to go into more detail. But what can be learnt from this is research! Whenever I find myself struggling with a scene, even if I think I know everything I need, I'll do some research on something random. Maybe I'll look up types of switchblades and how they work, look up city environments or even research the weather at the time of the story. All of this can serve to inspire and give as greater understanding of the story we are telling!

I hope this helped somebody!

As usual,  check out my book, stories I’ve written plus other social medias: here.

I've got a couple of drafts to go soon with summer coming and more free time. But any questions are always appreciated! Saves me having to think of ideas.

[spideyspeaches]

We always have been ↬ fem!p.p

A/N: AHHH I love genderbent Peter skjkjhjka and I’ve only seen @justme--emily​ write for her so far so I wrote one of my own 😤

Summary: It was not every day you crash into your ex boyfriend in a Stark Gala, was it? Your ex boyfriend you dumped right after your senior prom? It was probably her Parker luck striking, never a good sign, she learned that from experience. 

Warning: um cursing lol.

Pairing: female!Peter Parker x Harry Osborn

WC: 2k

When Mister Stark had asked her to attend one of those glorious charity galas, Penny had been elated, internally (and externally) jumping at the thought of wearing fancy gowns and walking past pretentious rich bureaucrats and business people.

She was practically lost in paradise when Miss Potts had accompanied her to shop for her dress, a beautiful blue and red full length gown, hugging her in her curves with a chinese collar neck and embroidered bust (very on brand of her). 

“Is your dress comfortable? Oh god I think I should have altered it myself, it’s not too tight right?” May fretted, fixing her hairdo and last minute make up she learnt from makeup hacks videos. Groaning, Penny nudged May by her shoulders, sitting her down on her twin bed, holding her aunt’s cheeks.

“May, the dress is comfortable! Miss Potts made sure that it was altered to my size okay? Now calm down, it’s just one night.” She smiled, folding her hands under her chest. Her dress was truly comfortable, and she looked undeniably good, she checked (she was a nerd, yes, but she wasn’t blind. Especially now that she had 20/20 long vision due to her spider powers.)

“You know how I feel about you going to fancy parties, baby.” May sighed, making her wince, “the last time you went to prom ended in a disaster. Both of them”

“I know May, but on the bright side, it gained me an actual paid internship. And Mister Stark and Miss Potts are going to be present the whole time!” She reassured, squeezing her aunt’s shoulders. In all honesty, she understood her anxiety, shuddering as she remembered her prom fighting Liz’s dad, and then breaking up with Harry, “besides, I have my spidery powers remember? I’m a big girl May, I can take care of myself.”

“I know you can sweetheart, god look at you all grown up, Ben would be so proud of how much you’ve grown, my little woman.” May sniffed, getting up to caress her head. She shook her head at her aunt’s emotional state, smiling as she bowed her head at the nickname. It was something Ben used to call her- little woman.

“Ben would be proud of you too May.” Penny said, willing her eyes to not water at the sudden rush of sentiment she felt at the mention of her deceased uncle.

“Now, shoo before I change my mind and keep you all to myself!” May laughed, fixing the non existent crease near her shoulders.

“Okay okay! I’m going May, jeez it’s like you and Mister Stark are holding a shared custody of me.” Penny snickered, scrambling to wear her uncomfortable heels, the ones that matched her dress.

“Maybe I am, but I get to be the primary guardian!”

Laughing, she gave her aunt a kiss to her cheek, doing a preliminary check of her cell phone and emergency bracelet, blowing her a kiss before walking into the car that was standing outside their apartment.

The car ride was silent, her stomach bubbling with nervousness and excitement. She was practically vibrating in her seat, glad that Tony had sent another driver instead of Happy- he would have teased her incessantly for being so nervous. She had grown close to Happy, the man growing fond of her as well, but he could be an embarrassing dad at times.

The gala was everything she had imagined, brightly lit in an overpriced hall, adorning overpriced decorations with people in overpriced clothes. 

“Hey Mister Stark! Thank you so much for inviting me!” She grinned, skipping towards her fath- mentor. 

“Hey Pen, wow don’t you look beautiful. A little too beautiful, beware of those good for nothing boys you hear me?” Tony smiled, hugging her, a protective hand on her shoulder. 

“Oh don’t mind Tony, hun, he’s only joking.” Pepper said, giving her a kiss on her cheek and doing a once over, just like May had. 

“I’m serious Pep, if those boys even tried anything, you call me okay? I’ll take care of them.” 

“Mister Stark, you can’t just threaten teenagers.” Penny giggled, looking at Pepper with a smirk.

“Barely a teenager kiddo, why did you grow up so fast?” He smiled, a fond look in his eyes.

“I’m nineteen Mister Stark, I think I can take care of those boys themselves.” 

“Hell yeah you can, that’s my girl.” 

Easy for her to say, because not long after that, Mister Stark and Pepper had abandoned her to talk to some prominent dealer about some… deals concerning Stark Industries, she didn't ask.

By the end of an hour, she was already bouncing on her heels, bored out of her mind. Even the Avengers could entertain her only so much, going back to their important work. And 

Penny was an awkward girl, always finding herself in situations she was unwilling to participate in, so socialising was out of question.

She remembered the one time she had accidentally spilled coffee all over Mister Stark’s touch sensitive keyboard, stuttering the whole time. He hadn’t even been mad, reassuring her that he had done that enough times before, hence the liquid resistant keypads. 

And then there was that one time the school nurse had called Tony when she was experiencing period induced fever. That was embarrassing, if not a little heartwarming to know that he cared about her enough to confront Pepper about menstrual problems. She was his daughter in everything but blood, he reminded her that every day, though not verbally.

There was also this one time she had been caught kissing MJ, but none of those were going to top what she was facing right now.

Literally.

“Penny! Penny Parker?” Harry’s chirpy voice rang in her ears, his footsteps sounding increasingly closer as she tried to hide her face behind her (non alcoholic) drink, frantically walking towards the vague figure of Mister Stark as fast as she could with her overly expensive stilettos.

It was not every day you crash into your ex boyfriend in a Stark Gala, was it? Your ex boyfriend you dumped right after your senior prom? It was probably her Parker luck striking, never a good sign, she learned that from experience. 

Finally standing near Mister Stark, she tried to stand next to him, ignoring the weird look he was giving her. Penny was petite, always has been small for her age, so she was glad Mister Stark could cover her with his side. Apparently he got her cue, as he shifted slightly to hide her from whomever’s view.

“What’s wrong Pen? Some pesky boy chasing you? Accidentally met your ex?” He joked, giving the old businessman in front of him a handshake and smirking at her with amusement. 

“Something like that.” She shrugged casually, snickering at Tony’s wide eyes. 

“Penny! Hey it’s me, Harry.” He said, nearly standing behind her. He was either incredibly stupid or incredibly brave, weaving his way through the crowd to stand right in front of her. He probably hadn’t noticed her clinging to Tony, which is why he came forward, a big goofy grin playing on his handsome face, sending her heart into a frenzy, his blue eyes shining under the gleaming lights. 

“Uh, h-hey Harry.” She grimaced, elongating his name with a chuckle. Shuffling forward, she ignored Tony’s raised eyebrows, opening her mouth to speak, but all she could look at was Harry Fucking Osborn standing in front of her, “Um, small world?” 

Her words sounded distant to her, heart heart a lump in her throat. She felt underprepared for these situations. Sure, they had broken off on a semi- good note, but it didn’t make whatever this was any less awkward. 

“Small world indeed.” He said, much softer than before, a solemn expression taking over his face, “It’s not every day you get to meet Penelope Parker in a Stark Gala. Heard of your internship by the way, I knew you were smart enough to get it.” 

“Oh, thanks about that. I guess you’re an unwilling guest here? Haven’t seen Mr. Osborn around.” She smiled shyly, shuffling on her feet.

“Yeah, kind of, I mean you know how he is.” He shrugged.

“How long have you two known each other?” Tony interrupts the two, watching in amusement as both his pseudo daughter and Norman’s son blush under his gaze, as if just noticing his presence.

“Uhm, Hi Mister Stark! B-big fan, hi oh my god Penny I’m standing in front of Tony Stark.” Harry stuttered, shaking Tony’s hand for a little too long.

Staring at him with confusion, he shook Harry's hand back, silently asking Penny the lingering question.

“He’s a bit of a fanboy.” She answered. 

Harry was still looking at Stark with his wonderstruck expression. 

“Well it’s always good to meet my fans, but you didn't answer my question, kid. How do you two know each other?” Tony said, smiling as politely as he could while his hand was still stuck in Harry’s grip. 

Realising that, he instantly let go, standing awkwardly as him and Penny said at the same time-

“I’m her ex boyfriend-”

“He’s my best friend.” 

His eyes widen, realising what he had just said.

“You guys dated? And when were you going to tell me about that Pen?” Tony asked, baffled at the thought of Penny dating a guy, and Osborn’s son of all people. 

“Well, you see, I was going to tell you soon, but then we broke up. You know? We haven’t talked since.” Penny said, the last sentence directed towards Harry. She was looking at him now, gritting her teeth.

“Well did you expect me to call you after you dumped me? During prom nonetheless? I was ashamed, Pen, I couldn’t do it.” Harry said, looking apologetic. It made her heart clench, inherent guilt building up in her tummy. It was her fault, technically. 

“Yeah but, Harry you were my best friend before my boyfriend, and I missed you okay? You could’ve at least called.” She defended. Tony was good at reading the room, so sensing a banter building, he quietly left the area, not wanting to witness the misunderstanding.

“I really missed you too Penny, I- I didn’t think I was good enough for you, gosh I really fucking love you.” He said, immediately stiffening. 

Even back when they were dating, they had never said the L word to each other, not even when they were best friends, and now? Well he had just made the air more thicker than before. 

“You- you what?” She asked, voice small as her heart jumped. She moved closer to him, holding her hands out, reaching to touch his shoulders. Her hands set on his silky tuxedo, she stroked her hands in a slow motion, dropping them immediately when she realised she was touching him.

“I really fucking love you Penny, even if you don’t want to get together, can we still be friends? Go back to our movie nights and lego sessions?” He asked, furrowing his brows as if to keep himself from crying. 

No words left her mouth, her breath hitched when he moved forward, chest stuttering. With a sudden confidence she didn’t know she had, she leapt forward, capturing his lips in hers. Their lips moved with a sync, his familiar ocean scented deo invading her nostrils, his soft skin against her. The world around her melded in a technicolour blob, the only thing she could focus was his heartbeat echoing in her ears.

“I really fucking love you too by the way.” She said, pulling away from the kiss. She vaguely spotted Miss Potts in her periphery, shaking her head with a smile as she held back Mister Stark.

“So, are we friends then?” 

“Harry?”

“Yeah?”

“We are more than friends, you dumbass. We always have been.” 

I’m a thirsty bitch, pwease give me feedback? 🥺🥺

[melanielocke]

Lost in the shadows - Chapter 7

AO3

Chapter 1

Chapter 2

Chapter 3

Chapter 4

Chapter 5

Chapter 6

Taglist @nott-the-best @foxglove-airmid @alastair-esfandiyar-carstairs1 @justanormaldemon @styxdrawings

Lucie’s parents were putting away the groceries when the four of them entered the house. Thomas quickly texted his parents he was with the Herondales and wasn’t sure when he’d be back. Will and Tessa had noticed something was not right immediately, and while Will was making some tea, Tessa sat down on the couch with her daughter.

‘What happened, Lu?’ she asked.

Lucie recounted the story of seeing Jesse Blackthorn, and Thomas couldn’t help but think it was all connected somehow. She had never seen Jesse until now, just after a washing woman had told him his grandfather’s debt was not paid. That was not a coincidence.

‘What if Jesse came back from being dead somehow?’ Thomas asked.

‘None of you saw him, did you?’ Lucie asked.

Thomas, Cordelia and Alastair all said no.

‘He was a ghost,’ Lucie said. ‘So he’s still very much dead. And he didn’t stay around to talk. I thought he was going to, I thought he wanted to, but then he was gone. And I don’t understand any of it. Why here, why now? I thought he’d moved on to wherever dead people are supposed to go, and I don’t think I’ve ever encountered a ghost who’d returned from there.’

‘You might not have been wherever Jesse’s ghost was before,’ Thomas offered, but Lucie determinedly shook her head.

‘He would have come for me,’ Lucie said. ‘I know what we had wasn’t really romance, but he was still a dear friend and he would not have left me. I looked everywhere for him. And he’s never been here in his life, it makes no sense for him to come to this place.’

‘It must be connected to my grandfather’s debts,’ Thomas said, and he recounted the story for Cordelia and Lucie. He suspected Will and Tessa already knew most of it, but Lucie and Cordelia knew nothing and Thomas was afraid telling Lucie Jesse’s death might not have been an accident was a bit much. It was an odd sort of guilt Thomas felt while discussing Jesse. It wasn’t his fault exactly, that Jesse had died, but perhaps if he’d died Jesse would have survived and gotten better instead. Why did he deserve to live and not Jesse? Why had he survived?

‘Thomas, perhaps you should ask your father to contact Tatiana,’ Tessa suggested. ‘Perhaps she knows more.’

Will shook his head though. ‘Tatiana is mad as mouse trapped in a teapot,’ he said. ‘She never took her father’s death well and blamed it on anyone involved in the matter. Me, Jem, even her own brothers. And when Jesse died, I think she decided we were all evil and out to ruin her life. She thinks we turned her brothers against her, killed her father, and let her son die. She might even blame Lucie for Jesse’s death since she never approved of them spending time together. I don’t want her anywhere near you, no matter what information she might have.’

‘My father has been trying to call her and has left several messages. So far nothing,’ Thomas said. ‘I don’t think she wants us to contact her, but if we told her Jesse’s ghost was here, do you think that would change her mind?’

���Or perhaps Jesse’s ghost appeared because Tatiana made a dark deal of her own,’ Will said. He stared out of the window thoughtfully. ‘In which case, perhaps it is our duty to stop her. None of which is your responsibility.’

Thomas suspected Will had been fighting against the supernatural at an age younger than he was now, but there was a reason he’d stopped. He imagined the price had been too high, and perhaps he regretted going up against monsters at such a young age. Perhaps it had left scars.

‘Sometimes doing nothing is more dangerous though,’ Thomas said.

‘Exactly,’ Lucie said. ‘I need to find out what happened to Jesse, we have no time to waste.’

Like Thomas, Lucie was both reckless and stubborn and he didn’t think any amount of discussion with her parents was going to stop her.

Will sighed. ‘You’re just like me when I was your age. Always running headlong towards danger. I suppose I can’t stop you. But I hope you can be careful. Speaking with ghosts is one thing, but running after the son of Tatiana Blackthorn…’

‘Will, I think we’re going to have to try and remember as much as we can from Benedict Lightwood,’ Tessa said. ‘Any detail could be crucial, anything we missed at the time. I suppose Gideon knows the most.’

‘I can help with that,’ Alastair said. ‘To remember, I mean.’

Alastair explained his ability and Thomas realized he hadn’t told anyone besides him and his family, since everyone except for Cordelia seemed surprised and confused.

‘An interesting and useful ability for someone who investigates the supernatural,’ Will mused. ‘If someone claims to have seen someone, you could objectify it for yourself and figure out what it is before fighting it. I got into some dangerous situations myself because sighted people didn’t know the difference between a werewolf and a wulver.’

Thomas didn’t know what the difference was between a werewolf and a wulver, but was glad he’d never encountered either.

‘That’s not… I’m just trying to save Thomas. I don’t want to fight like my father,’ Alastair said, refusing to look Will in the eye.

Will nodded. ‘That is a wise decision. Life fighting evil isn’t for everyone. It is a hard life and it leaves its scars. But those scars are, unfortunately, the price that some of us must pay so the rest can be safe.’

Thomas noticed Alastair tensed up, but he didn’t say anything. Thomas wanted to ask if he was alright, but Alastair seemed so closed off and he didn’t dare. He remembered Alastair being like this at times at school, and Thomas had learnt that approaching him when he was in such a state led to him lashing out. His attempt, Thomas suspected, to conceal how vulnerable he really was.

‘Alastair, why don’t you go see Gideon?’ Tessa said in an attempt to break the awkward silence. ‘I think he is the most likely to remember anything useful. In all the time he didn’t know the supernatural was real, he still might have picked up information he didn’t understand at the time.’

Alastair didn’t say anything, just nodded and picked up his bag and left.

‘I’ll go too,’ Thomas said and he quickly followed Alastair, who was already outside when he caught up..

Alastair was still tense and Thomas wished there was something he could do to help, but he wasn’t sure what exactly was going on.

‘Are you alright?’ he asked, reaching out his hand and dropping it.

He wasn’t sure Alastair wanted to be touched, even if his first instinct was to offer him comfort through a hug or a hand on his shoulder. He knew Alastair’s anger, and even if Thomas knew Alastair didn’t mean the rude things he said, it still hurt when he lashed out.

‘I’m fine, Lightwood,’ Alastair snapped.

Thomas wasn’t sure what to say. Alastair had always called him by his last name back at school, which Thomas had taken as an attempt to not let him get to close, as if using his first name implied they were friends when Alastair did the best he could to keep everyone at an arm’s length. He thought they were past that, though. They’d spoken so openly this morning in the woods, even if he could tell Alastair had scars he wasn’t ready to reveal. That was alright though, because Alastair was more than just his scars, or his memory ability. Thomas had loved talking about Alastair’s interests, he loved how passionate Alastair could be. Now he struggled to tell what Alastair was feeling, and if he liked Thomas’ presence at all.

‘Was it something uncle Will said?’ Thomas asked.

Technically, Will wasn’t his uncle, but Thomas had always called him that. He viewed Lucie as his closest friend, but also as family. Will’s sister Cecily was his aunt through marriage though, so in that regard the Herondales were almost family.

‘I’m perfectly fine,’ Alastair said between his teeth. ‘Stop pretending I’m fragile.’

Thomas took a step back, hurt. He knew Alastair didn’t mean it, he knew Will’s comment had upset him and this was how Alastair defended himself. Thomas didn’t think Alastair was fragile, far from it, but it was obvious he wasn’t alright, wasn’t it? He didn’t want to make Alastair uncomfortable, but he wished he could be of more help. He wished he knew how to support him.

Thomas couldn’t deny to himself that he still had feelings for Alastair. After this morning, after getting a glimpse of who he really was, Thomas only loved him more. Knowing Alastair was gay, there was a chance Alastair could like him back. He began to suspect it wasn’t that easy though.

‘I know you’re not fragile,’ Thomas said. ‘But it’s alright to admit that things bother you. I know you’ve been through much more than any of us can imagine and honestly if it were me I wouldn’t be able to do half the things you did. I’d be a crumbling mess.’

Alastair stared at him for a moment, Thomas could tell he was thinking. He seemed confused, furrowing his perfectly shaped brows. Even Matthew had agreed there was something special about Alastair’s eyebrows.

‘What do you know about what happened to me?’ Alastair asked, but it wasn’t as hostile as he’d expected. ‘Did they tell you too?’

Thomas assumed with “they” Alastair meant the Herondales. ‘Not much,’ he admitted. ‘I know something is not alright with your father though. And since uncle Will warned us about drinking, I’m guessing maybe he had a drinking problem? And I think it upsets you when people describe him as a hero who fought monsters and kept people safe. Or when people talk about how his life as a hero left scars. Because it dismisses you, it implies that what happened to you is just collateral damage.’

‘My father was a hero,’ Alastair said but there was no admiration in his voice. His hands were shaking and Thomas realized he was still very upset. ‘He did all these things Will talks about, and when I was a small child I used to curl up in his lap and listen as he told stories of his adventures. And I think they’re right that it had a cost, that what he saw was the reason he started drinking. But that’s no excuse for how he treated me, is it? I don’t want to empathize with my father, not after everything he did to me. People can talk all they want of how noble he was, and that being a hero leaves its scars, but what about me? What about my scars? Do I not matter?’

Thomas wanted to touch Alastair, hold his hand, put his arms around him and hold him close, but feared he would only make it worse. Alastair could be difficult to read at times, even to Thomas who prided himself on his ability to read people.

‘Of course you matter. It’s alright to hate him,’ Thomas said. ‘Or feel however you want to about him.’

‘I do. I hate him,’ Alastair said. ‘But for a long time I also loved him. And I kept trying, kept hoping that he would change if only I did better.’

There were tears in his eyes, Alastair wiped them away with shaking hands.

‘It’s not your fault,’ Thomas said. ‘Recovery from addiction is a long and difficult process and that was never your responsibility. And making sure you and Cordelia were safe was his responsibility as a parent.’

‘He never cared,’ Alastair said, and although Alastair seemed a bit calmer, his hands were still shaking and the tears in his eyes were still there. Will’s comments, although unintentional, must have been very upsetting. ‘My mother spent years trying to convince him to go to a clinic. Not so long ago she asked Jem to convince him, but I don’t know. I don’t think he wants to get better.’

‘That must be difficult,’ Thomas said. ‘Does Jem keep you informed on how your father is doing? Do they still see each other?’

‘I think Jem’s still trying with my father, but I’m trying to get away from him,’ Alastair said. ‘I’ve asked him not to keep me informed. I’d rather not know. Come, we’re almost at your father’s cottage. Searching his memory is probably going to take some time.’

Thomas took Alastair’s comment as an attempt to end the conversation about his father and didn’t press. At the cottage, Thomas realized his parents weren’t there, and when Thomas checked his phone he saw his father had texted that they were taking a walk and his mother wanted to try if she could find the washer woman Thomas had seen.

Thomas texted back, explaining how Alastair intended to help with the memories, and then made them both some lunch since neither had eaten since breakfast and Thomas was starving. Ever since his growth spurt, Thomas had an insatiable appetite. He and Lucie used to have eating competitions, but Lucie was starting to get insecure about eating a lot because she’d gained weight. While eating a lot was generally acceptable for teen boys, it was frowned upon for girls. Thomas missed it. It might be weird and stupid, but it was theirs and it was fun and Thomas was quite good at it. They decided to play chess to pass the time when they were finished eating.

Thomas was decent, but rusty. He’d taken chess classes sometime at school but hadn’t played in a while, and tended to miss important details as he played. He stood no chance against Alastair.

‘Cordelia and I played a lot of chess,’ Alastair said. ‘She’s a bit better at it than I am. My mother taught us, chess was originally a Persian game and she thought it was important we knew how to play.’

‘Really? I didn’t know.’

‘The term check derives from the Persian word ‘Shãh’, which means king. Checkmate comes from ‘Shãh mãt’, meaning the king is helpless.’

‘And your family is from Iran, right?’ Thomas asked.

‘My mother is,’ he said. ‘My father is English. I was born here in England, but my mother raised us with Persian stories, the language. She wanted to keep us connected to our heritage.’

‘Are you or your family religious?’ Thomas asked then.

‘I’m not. My father didn’t want to raise us with religion. He was raised a Christian, but I don’t think he really believed anymore. My mother is Muslim, so I am familiar with her religion, but I’m not yet sure what to believe. Growing up with so many stories of the supernatural, it’s easier to believe what I can prove is out there and having faith in something I’ll never be able to prove is something I find difficult.’

‘I agree with the last part,’ Thomas said. ‘But neither of my parents are religious, so I guess it makes sense. I wouldn’t say I’m atheist, it’s more like I think anything is possible.’

‘No, I’m not atheist either,’ Alastair agreed. ‘I don’t discount what my mother believes, but I can’t be sure either and that’s what I find difficult.’

They played two more games of chess before Thomas’ parents came back, both of which Alastair won. Thomas acknowledged he would probably never win at this game, perhaps another time they could play something different.

‘Did you find anything?’ Thomas asked.

‘No, nothing,’ Gideon said. ‘But I got your text, although I’m not quite sure I understand what Alastair can do.’

Alastair explained his ability, and after several questions his father seemed to understand.

‘Thomas, I think you two ate all the bread,’ his mother said as she checked the cupboard. Thomas guessed that was true, his parents still tended to underestimate his appetite, and they might not have counted on Alastair eating here too. ‘Maybe you could go into town and buy some before the shops are all out.’

Thomas turned to Alastair. ‘Do you need me to stay here?’

‘I wouldn’t want you to starve,’ Alastair said. ‘And it might be best not to bring too many people into someone else’s memory. I’m a bit unpracticed.’

Thomas took the car and drove it to the village. He’d gotten a driver’s license a couple of months ago. He had to make a few adjustments to the chair’s position so he could fit into the driver’s seat, and most cars were uncomfortable no matter the adjustments. He parked the car near the grocery store and was relieved to find they weren’t out of bread yet. Just to be sure, Thomas also bought some snacks he knew were vegan. You never knew when you suddenly craved something sweet, or salty. And he didn’t know what Alastair liked, so he bought a wide variety so he’d be able to offer him something he like. At the check out he felt a bit like Harry Potter after buying everything from the trolley, and Thomas didn’t meet the cashier’s eyes as he paid.

While taking his bags back to the car, he caught the eye of a woman with brown hair. He only noticed her for a few seconds, after he’d put his bags in the trunk of the car, and realized she must have been staring at him. She turned around before Thomas could get a proper look at her, trailed by a pretty blonde teen girl. He was just being paranoid, he told himself. Perhaps there was something weird about his clothes he had not noticed, or another logical reason she might have stared. Thomas pushed down the feeling of unease and got in the car, driving back to his parents.

[kmikaelsonimagines]

Back Off: A Kol Mikaelson Imagine

Request from Anon: Can you write and imagine where the reader is kol's girlfriend, they met in New Orleans before he was daggered and is really close with his siblings more than with hers because they always choose the girl that they have feelings instead of her, so when she comes to Mystic Falls with the Mikaelson's and meet Elena she has a lot of troubles with them because of her, and Kol is always there to help her and back her up against her brothers.

This is it. My 101st imagine. Let’s hope this (potentially) next 100 are as good as the last! Hope this is okay for you lovely, and enjoy x 

It had been over a century since you had last since your brothers, having left Mystic Falls after growing tired of your place at the bottom of their list of priorities. No matter what trouble you were going through, no matter how much you just needed your big brothers, Damon and Stefan Salvatore would always choose someone else, the latest woman that took their fancy.

You’d always liked New Orleans, so when you arrived at the beginning of the twentieth century, it was better than anything you could have imagined. It was made perfect when you met Kol Mikaelson, falling in love with the Original vampire, taking your place as a member of his family, of one that, despite their disputes with your boyfriend, valued you, took care of you, maybe even loved you.

For the first time in a long time, life was perfect. There was of course a moment when it wasn’t, when Kol had been daggered, and you had stayed away from the family for a while, dealing with your loss.

But that was all over now. Here you were, in the twenty-first century, back in the arms of the man you loved. It was just a shame your reunion had to take place somewhere you had vowed never to return.

“I’m sorry it had to be here,” Kol murmured into your hair, his hands running up and down your arms. You lay with your back to his chest, both of you having been removed of your clothes the moment you were left alone. “Have you seen them yet?”

You sighed, turning in his arms to face him. You studied every feature, every inch of skin, every glint in his eyes, every tooth in his smile. You had missed it, missed him. It was supposed to be a perfect moment, just you and him, and you joked with him about the mention of your brothers.

“Do we have to talk about them? Way to ruin the moment.”

“Oh, we were having a moment?” Kol smiled, sarcasm lacing his words.

“Well, I’m confused as to what we’ve been doing so far.”

He kissed you and any thoughts of your family disappeared. In truth, you had seen them already, even spoken to them. It was a quick hello, followed by the two Salvatore brothers trying to engage in conversation with you, no doubt, to allow them to express a dire apology, or criticise you for leaving. Their attempts were cut short when Rebekah came to your rescue, your brothers shocked and disgusted as they were informed of your association with the Mikaelson family.

But the way your brothers reacted didn’t matter now. And it wouldn’t until a few days later.

“Y/N, you’d better behave,” Klaus turned on you as you smoothed down your dress. Tonight was the Mikaelson ball and you knew your brothers would be attending, along with that girl who looked remarkably like Miss Petrova. You had hated her too, the latest in a long line of women who had been chosen over you. You had no doubt that Elena Gilbert- as you were told was her name- would be exactly the same.

“Who? Me?” You feigned innocence, earning a small smile from the hybrid. In reality, you had no plans to disrupt the evening, at least, not yet. You couldn’t say the same for Kol, who now walked in, placing an arm around your waist. You exhaled as he did so, his lips lingering on your cheek before turning to his brother.

“Trust me, Klaus,” the hybrid scoffed, “As long as those morons don’t bother us, we’ll be on our best behaviour.” As Klaus walked away, you looked up at Kol, a familiar devilish spark in his eyes.

“What are you thinking?”

“I’m thinking that should your brothers dare upset you, I’ll tear them apart.”

You placed your hands on Kol’s cheeks, placing a gentle kiss on his lips.

“And that is exactly why I love you.”

“I know.”

A few hours later, and you were in no doubt that Kol’s desire to tear your brothers to pieces would soon be appeased. Elena, that young lady whom you had taken an instant dislike to, had already cornered you, finding a moment when Kol left you alone to discuss what she had deemed issues with you.

“Damon and Stefan, they really want to make things up with you.”

“And so they sent you?”

“Well, no, not exactly, but-”

“But what happened between my brothers and myself is none of your business. And if you have any sense, which I highly doubt, you’ll run far away from me before I rip your heart out.”

“Always on the attack, aren’t we, Y/N? But I guess living with the freaking Mikaelsons hasn’t helped with that.”

You snarled at Damon, the eldest of your brothers having appeared to save Elena, his damsel in distress.

“I don’t know, Damon, I’ve always quite liked that side of her,” you fought the urge to smile as you felt Kol at your side, “Now how about you back off before this evening gets more messy than either of us want?”

You took a step back as the two vampires squared off against each other. Normally, you would have been the one to step in, to place your hand on Kol’s chest, to take him away to your bedroom so he could exercise his emotions in other ways. But this you wanted to see. As Stefan walked onto the scene, barely throwing a glance at you, you felt your heart beat faster, willing on Kol to finally make your brothers pay for all the hurt they had caused you.

But instead it was Elena who stepped in, her words warning your two brothers just who they were facing. And then you heard the words that really made your blood boil.

“She’s not worth it.”

You saw red. You grabbed Elena by the throat, pinning her up against the wall.

“Say that again.”

Of course, she couldn’t, your hand slowly cutting off her airways.

“I’m not worth it? Me? Honey, let me tell you something. I have lived my life being put at the bottom of their pile of things to care about, some girl just like you taking pride of place in their minds. But you know what I’ve learnt? Those girls just get replaced over and over again. That’s all you are, Elena, a replacement,” you drowned out the shouting of your brothers as they demanded you let her go. They were held back by Kol, whom you glimpsed at; he was smiling, his eyes shining, an expression that only spurred you on. “You’ll soon find out, Miss Gilbert, that if anyone’s not worth it in their eyes, it’ll be you. Me? I’ve found someone who actually believes I am worth it, who actually loves me. I’ll be just fine.”

You dropped her then, and your brothers scrambled to her aid. It was in that moment that you kissed Kol, hungrily, passionately, not caring who saw. Stefan’s cry of disgust snapped you out of the moment, but you were still very aware of Kol’s hand on the small of your back, memories of your reunion resurfacing.

“Him? Seriously?”

“Seriously. Now, as I said, it would be in your best interests to back off from your sister. Unless you want a repeat of what just happened,” Kol took a step forward, “Unless you want worse.”

From that moment on, your brothers no longer tried to approach you. Of course, there was conflict between them and the rest of your newfound family, but it was miniscule in comparison into what could have occurred had Kol not defended you, had you not defended yourself.

It had been over a century since you had last seen Damon and Stefan Salvatore, but because of Kol Mikaelson, you didn’t care if it was a century more.

Masterlist

[kookiepredictions]

Message from his DF’s Higher Self

To the Littlest One,

I was summoned by you I think. Damn boy, are you tired? Cuz you’ve been running through my mind all day. Everyday. Where do I begin? There’s always so much to say but I’m never sorted out. You want to know how I feel about you? Well it’s not a one word or one line answer you see. In my previous connections, I’ve always had some issue or the other. There have been connections where things were THIS close to being something special, and yet, I couldn’t unsee that there was still that bit missing. And I realized, I’m really looking for someone EXACTLY like me, and I knew I set myself up for failure because truly that’s impossible to have? When I saw you for the first time, I was shocked because I couldn’t believe how someone could be so much like me. It was like looking at my male version. And yet, there were so many obvious differences. I would be all excited and tell whoever cared to listen (most didn’t) that look, this guy is just like me! I think I’ve found my perfect match like they write in books and stuff. It didn’t matter to me that you didn’t know I existed. I was incredibly happy just knowing that I wasn’t wrong in believing that somewhere there is someone who is your exact match. I was O.B.S.E.S.S.E.D with you! I couldn’t get enough. You’d think my first impression about you was wrong and as I got to know more about you, I’d change my mind. But it was the exact opposite. The more I knew, I surer I got. I found a happy place in my life, everyday religiously watching you do weird stuff that convinced me more and more that yeah, he is the one. Ironically though, I never wanted to do anything about it. I thought someday we’d just meet and you’d see what I saw— that we’re perfect for each other. I had things in my personal life to take care of and I started doing exactly that, and Divine (and other) intervention got us together. Of course initially I was a little wary and thought it was all too good to be true, but that’s just me. Getting to know you has been one of the most special, life changing events in my life. So I have no idea why you want to start over again, or change anything about it. I wouldn’t want to change anything about any of it. You have been a wish fulfilled, a literal dream come true for me, right from the start to now. When I first saw you, I had a certain idea about you, the things you might say— and when you did speak to me, it was exactly how I always imagined it to be. With every word and action, you became more and more perfect to me. It was like someone made a list of everything I wished for in a person since when I was old enough to wish for things, added a ton of other wonderful things and the result was you! You have always, ALWAYS said what I wanted to hear, treated me the way I wanted to be treated. You were like this magician who always magically knew what I wanted. How did you know? How did you know what no one had ever known. And those people were so much closer to me. And so it not just confuses me but also makes me sad how you see this whole thing differently. Maybe you can do better, maybe you have better things to offer, I get that. But it was still perfect the way it was. There is no need to go over it repeatedly and wish it was different. I would never ever never want it to be any other way.

To me, you were and still are the kind of person they only talk about in fairytales. Does that mean I think you have no flaws? No. I know everyone has flaws and I have always believed that is what makes each of us unique and more special. And I have stopped buying onscreen personas since when I was like 13. Okay, maybe 15. Perfection to me is not the absence of flaws. Perfection to me is in the way I feel about someone. And I have always felt so wholesome around you, every moment spent with you was perfect. You were perfect, everything you did was perfect. If I were to sit you down and categorically tell you to do exactly as I wanted, I still couldn’t do a better job than what you had already done. Plz I’m embarrassed to admit that I have spent days, weeks, MONTHS daydreaming about you. Repeating every word over and over and over in my head and feeling every feeling it caused in me. I don’t see the “mistakes” that you see. Maybe you don’t see them either, and that’s why you are confused as to why you are being punished. Then maybe you should consider the thought that you aren’t being punished? I am not keeping away because of anything you did or didn’t do, I am keeping away for my own issues. You might think I have it all figured out, but I’m sorry to burst your bubble, I’m still a work in progress as well. You think I have over exaggerated ideas about you? Well I think you have put me up on a pedestal and don’t see how I’m struggling too. Do I absolutely need to be away to focus on myself right now? Absolutely. I have a tendency to be put who I love (there I said it, I wish it wasn’t said this way, but I guess this is the need of the hour) before me, and lose myself in the process. And unless I learn how to prioritizing another person without de-prioritizing myself, I need to be by myself. Have you ever felt like this connection was getting the better of you— that you had no control over yourself whatsoever? That’s how it has felt for me too. I need to find my own footing before getting involved in anything at all. Do I seem stubborn and difficult? Good. Because I have been easy and impressionable before and it has taken everything away from me. You must understand, this has got nothing to do with you. These problems have existed in my life before you came, and they will continue to exist unless I take care of them. You might think you can solve all my problems, if only we were together. That’s not true. The problems are inside of me. You can, at best, distract me from them. Only I can truly uproot them. Not only is this my duty here on earth, it is my right to be able to do that, and I am going to defend my right, whether or not you agree with me, and no matter how mad it makes you. It is never my intention to hurt you or anger you, but if that’s the price I have to pay, so be it. And it doesn’t even have to be about problems either. I have the right to live my life the way I want to. Always. Whether or not you are in my life. And I have the right to do so without having to explain myself. This is something I have learnt pretty late in my life— I really used to be the exact opposite. I have spent YEARS unlearning that pattern and I am not going to abandon my beliefs anymore, not even for you. And I’m not even apologetic about it. If there is any love in this connection, it will honour my freedom and my choices. Even if I abandoned myself right now “out of love”, and years later when I realize the folly in that, I’d forever hold you responsible for that and hate you all my life. That’s not going to be a very successful connection, is it? My morals, principles and beliefs are what make me who I am. Abandoning them is literally changing me, might as well change my face with surgery. They are staying with me until my last breath. Anyone who wants to be in my life has to respect and accept that. You don’t have to though. And I really want to make sure you understand this. I don’t expect you to do anything that you don’t want to do. Nothing at all. When you had no idea I existed, I liked you even then. The point is, my liking or loving you isn’t dependent on what you do or don’t do for me. It has everything to do who you are. Now, you might not see yourself that way. You might think you are nothing special to be liked or loved. You might feel the need to do a ton of things so that people like you. But you see, that’s all just you, not me. Don’t project your feelings on to me. For me, you have always been special and everything you have ever done has been special. Now, the answer to the difficult question: have I ever been hurt by you? Yes. But I have never thought it was your “fault”. For me it was always my fault that I was too reliant on someone else’s opinion of me, and a push to the direction of learning to be self-validated. And it was a huge leap in my growth! To be honest, I don’t entirely know what fault you hold yourself responsible for. I have no idea what “wrong” choices you have made. All I see is, you had prior commitments and you chose to honour your commitments. You chose to stick with the people who were there in your life long before me. Not only do I respect you more because of it, it has always been a very attractive quality about a person to me— being mindful of everyone in their lives. The only thing that makes me mad is when you fail to realize that I have the right to do the same. You can choose to fight me over my freedom and ways of dealing with things, but know that it is a fight I will always win :p

You seek my forgiveness but it is not me who hasn’t forgiven you, it is you. You want love from me but it is not me who doesn’t love you, it is you. Fear all you want, doubt all you want, but you could inquire in 10, 20, 100 years if I love you, and the answer will still be the same: yes I do. And if you ask me 1000 times what we should do about it, my answer will also be the same— this really is the time to focus on ourselves. It might seem like I’m going further away from you, but I really am coming towards you with every passing day. How and when— not everything needs to be known right now. If you are patient, everything will make sense when it’s the right time. Maybe then you would even hate yourself for not being more understanding, and wish that you had acted different right now. Just like you now wish you had behaved differently back then. The tighter you are holding on to this, the longer the wait is getting. Holding on tight to your love is an old paradigm. This is the time to be freely flying beside each other. I know because not very long ago, I had to make this exact choice. Either to let go of you and risk losing you forever or to hold on tightly to you and lose myself forever. I made the 2nd choice with a lot of doubt and difficulty, and it turns out that our connection has only gotten stronger from there. You feel like you are the only one in this journey but this is truly a journey of two. I assure you, every phase you cross, I have crossed it before you. There was a time I was addicted to you too. No matter where I went, what I did, who I was with, I was more interested in knowing what new weird thing Jungkook did today. Back then, nothing else was any more important than a little attention from my dream boy. And yet, there was so much anxiety and fear mixed with those experiences. Those were absolutely beautiful moments and everything I ever wished for, then why couldn’t I completely engage in them? Because I hadn’t learned to love myself yet. And so everything lacked, no matter how special. I can tell you for sure that me being in your life right now will do the exact same for you. So far you literally have followed all of my footsteps. And this is another reason for me needing to focus on myself. Until now, it was only about my own dreams and goals in life. But now I see how we are both almost tethered together in this connection, and I seem to be leading the way, aren’t I? For you to figure out the maze, I have to do that first. You know how you feel drawn to me, like you can never get enough? You might feel like it is your need to be loved by me, but really it is the need for you to follow in my next footsteps that is to focus on yourself. This is why you are never satisfied. Even when I am with you, you are still anxious about something you anticipate happening in the future. You are restless because you are not addressing the problems inside of you. You are trying to control this connection and this situation from outside, but that’s not where the issue is. You really think I’m some angel descended from heaven? Time to burst another bubble. I have a dark past too. I have hurt people, been destructive and done things I wish I hadn’t. The only difference? I have forgiven myself. I was young and didn’t know any better. It doesn’t help either that our society only teaches us to focus on the external things. Those mistakes didn’t define me nor will any other mistake I might make in the future. Nothing else defines me other than that I want to be happy and I’m committed to learning how to be happy and will learn and grow all my life in pursuit of happiness. You feel like you’re attracted to me because you need a loving person in your life, but what you’re really looking for subconsciously is to learn to love yourself because you see that I love myself. There is literally nothing in this world that makes a person more attractive than self love. It is the ultimate goal for every soul and someone who masters it is a veritable flame for all moths. No amount of love is enough for the person who doesn’t love themselves. Believe me, I’ve been there. You think I’m mad at you, but the thing is, the mire I focus on myself, the more I’m able to understand you more. So yes, even though you make me so mad so often, it doesn’t last at all. This connection has changed me in ways that surprise me too. In my past connections, if I was hurt, I would make sure I’d give back the same hurt back ten times so they knew what I went through. Not anymore. Very soon into this connection I’d realized that no matter how much I was hurt, I could never bring myself to do the same to you. And gradually I learnt to not be hurt at all in the first place. Because I always understand where you come from. And I always will. Not because I’m some saint, but because I have been through all of that. You are not wrong in wanting to be loved, or wanting assurance. It’s been a tough journey hasn’t it, being through situations and people that have distorted your perception of your own self? So much so that you now believe you are that person. But if you really were, then why did I see someone else when I first saw you? And after all this time, why do I still see that same person? No matter what happens in between, why hasn’t my perception changed of you? How is it that we are both looking at the same but different person? You might argue that your version of you is more accurate, not mine. Then why do you believe so strongly that your version of ME is more accurate, that you are ready to fight with everyone else over it? Why do you believe so strongly that you just KNOW me? Because as Twin Flames we are lucky to have someone designated to see ourselves in our divinity when we have forgotten that about ourselves. At this point, I don’t even care what you think about yourself. I know what I know and nothing and no one is ever going to convince me otherwise. Flaws and all, you are perfect to ME. But no one can convince you of that better than yourself. Unless you forgive, love and accept yourself, you will always feel like there’s not enough love in your life. No matter how many times we go over this, this is where it will always end up at.

Don’t get me wrong though, I feel your change and transformation. I feel your heart opening up, I feel you getting more and more vulnerable. And I know it’s scary. But this is the only way. When I had to let go, I realized what terrified me the most was if I was going to lose the “feeling” that existed then. The whole dreamy, head-over-heels, giggling like a little girl, and getting unmentionable thoughts 24/7 type of love feeling (yes is it that hard to believe it exists?) As it turned out, not only did the feeling not go, it transformed into this beautiful version where I have so much more control over it— I can feel this way when I decide to, instead of it being all over the place before. Ironically here, you feel like falling constantly when you hold on. You find your ground when you let go. Does it seem like I don’t think about you at all? The reality is, I’m just more at peace with these feelings. Instead of fighting them or trying to get rid of them, I let them stay with me with the instructions that they let me do other things like work, and they stay quietly beside me all day, and only get activated when I want them to lol. You are suffering because you are trying too hard to get an outcome, a result out of it, I’m just here enjoying the ride, wherever it takes me. If I leave you, you will be shattered, probably feel betrayed and unable to trust anyone else. If you leave, I’ll love you regardless. I have nothing to gain from this, and yet I gain the most beautiful, precious things from it every single day. All because I let go. I let go, not of you, but of my expectations of an outcome. In return, you stayed. And with you, the most high vibrational feelings that literally poets write about, singers sing about, and people everywhere spend all their lives looking for. I found them right where I was. It does make me sad to see you in pain but I know it’s only temporary and more than that, essential to get to where you must get in this lifetime. But it doesn’t have to be that painful. It took me years to understand certain things, and if I could teach just one thing, it would be acceptance. Resist less, accept more. Accept situations as they are. And watch them magically transform. The last thing, if you really, REALLY want to do something for me, something that would make me happy, and if I do in fact, have the right to ask for something from you— it is that you put yourself first right now. Independent of me. Pretty please. I know I’m kinda awesome and hard to resist lol but there must be things that you have wanted to do that had nothing to do with me. Explore yourself without judgement. And allow me the freedom to do the same. There is no one I want more than you in my life, but there are things I want to explore and do which have existed way before you came into my life. If I couldn’t do them, I would hate you for the rest of my life and I definitely don’t want that. I don’t want to rush a connection so special and rare. I don’t want to start something not knowing for sure that I can be consistent with. Whatever I start is going to be forever and for that we both need to be 100% ready without any doubts or reservations. If we’re not there yet, that’s alright, we should have enough time to prepare. Just know that no matter what happens, this connection is not going anywhere, and these feelings are not going away, cuz they never have. And IF, in the rare occasion that it has to end, know for sure that it will be decided by two people, not just one. It is the right of both people who are working towards this connection. Believe in Divine magic and timing. We’re going to be alright.

Enclosing I’d like to say: Are you a dictionary? Cuz you’re adding meaning to my life. Are you a camera? Cuz every time I look at you, I smile. Do you have a pencil? Cuz I want to erase your past and write our future. (Okay that’s enough Google search for today)

[nothing-but-dreamy]

ON THE EDGE ~ Pt. 5

Characters: Gavin Reed x fem!Reader; Connor; Hank Anderson;

Warnings: cursing

Words: 2.339

Back in the office, yn headed for the locker room to change some of her clothes and to get rid of the makeup. As she walked over to her desk, a cup of hot coffee and Gavin were already waiting. He handed her the liquid. She was freezing to death but it was worth it. She was able to place the bug as planned. Yn took the cup with a soft smile, “Thanks. That’s what I need right now.”

“You got rid of the makeup already? Too bad...”, Gavin said grinning.

Over the rim of the cup, she looked challenging at him, “Yeah, otherwise, I have to fear you will arrest me for prostitution. And I’m not sure if you really want to see me in handcuffs.”, she whispered with a grin and winked.

Gavin’s heart skipped a beat and he coughed slightly by the picture he got in his mind because of her comment. Yn noticed what kind of reaction her joke had on him but before she could ask, Hank and Connor joined them with a tablet. It was the device for the bug. Gavin stepped back and breathed several times to calm himself while the others sat around the desk.

“Turn it on. Maybe we will already hear something. I hope this thing works as well as the heavy's promised.”, yn said and laid her feet on top of her desk like Gavin used to do all the time.

Connor looked confused, “Heavy's?”

“Our hardware guys.”, Yn explained with a wink. Then JoJo started to talk and all four cops were listening intently.

“Hey Scott.”

“Hey Joker, why are you smiling like an idiot?”, Scott asked. The sound quality was excellent and so, they could differentiate the two men easily.

“Man, I met a girl in the park.”, JoJo said with excitement in his voice.

“Again?”, Scott asked, not impressed at all. It was the fifth time Joker had met a girl … this week.

“This time it's different.”

Yn felt Gavin's sullen expression glued at her. Obviously, she had done her job better than he wanted.

JoJo continued with his infatuation, “She was so incredibly beautiful. You know, like a divine angel with bright eyes and dressed in a blood red tank top. You should have seen her...you know.”, in the way he said it, everyone (except Connor) knew that he was talking about her breasts.

Yn snickered and looked up with a proud grin. She looked at Gavin then down at her top, which was still the blood red tank top, and then back at Gavin. She smirked. Gavin wasn't amused at all. He pressed his jaws together and looked at her with a dark expression. Hank had to bite back a grin as he watched the Detective. Something bothered him and Hank had an idea what it could be.

“And? Will you see her again?”, Scott asked, catching their attention again.

“Of course! She gave me her number.“, JoJo said proudly.

Gavin slammed his hands on his desk and jumped from his seat, “You gave him your number? Are you crazy?”, he called out.

Yn leant back in her chair and grinned. It amused her that he still saw her as a newbie, at least, she thought it was that, “No. Of course not.”, she said calmly.

“Good.”, Gavin said pleased and sat down.

“I gave him the number of your ex. I thought they would be cute together.”, yn said after a moment and smirked devilishly.

Slowly, Gavin looked up, his knuckles turning white again, “You did- what?”

But instead of answering, yn silenced him with her hand. She became serious and looked at the small device, listening to JoJo’s and Scott’s conversation.

“Yeah, yeah...tonight. In the warehouse down at the docks. Like always at eight?”, JoJo asked.

“Eight, right. Be on point this time. You know how much our boss hates to wait.”, Scott admitted.

“Hell yes! We got it!”, Yn called out. She looked at Hank as the oldest in charge, “Observation?”

Hank nodded, “Would be the best idea.”

“I could do that. I won't get tired.”, Connor suggested.

“Perfect! And I accompany you.”, Yn said.

Gavin looked from yn to Connor and back at yn. Everything happened a bit too fast, “What? Why?”

Hank stood up and nudged Connor to follow him, “We go to Fowler and inform him about the newest information.”, he said to yn and Gavin who didn't listen at all. Gavin was just staring at yn.

“What is your problem, Reed?”, she asked, slowly getting annoyed by his behavior all the time.

“You get yourself into danger! That's my problem!”, he argued coldly.

Yn huffed out, looking doubtful with one raised brow, “Danger? An observation? A snail race would be more dangerous than an observation because of all the slime. What shall happen? That I die out of boredom? I also have the handsome Terminator by my side.”, she pointed out, mentioning one of her favorite movie characters.

Gavin gritted his teeth. Looking away because of this comment and the memory of the dream he had of yn and Connor.

Yn saw that Gavin was on the edge… again. Once again, she had the feeling it had something to do with her but Gavin wasn’t much of a talker and liked to keep things for himself no matter how much she would push him, “Gavin, listen. Connor and I are going on this observation. You and Hank get the information in real time and you can plan the operation.”, she said and waited for him to look at her, “The operation I won't attend.”

“What?”

“I will be there to support you. But I will stay away from any line of fire. Therefore, you don't have to worry about me. Okay?”, yn said with a soft smile.

Gavin squinted his eyes and looked suspicious at her. He knew there had to be a twist somewhere. Yn usually never skipped action when it got offered, “What's the catch?”

“Well, I realized if I push you more, this vein on your neck could explode. And I want to prevent that. I still kinda like you, grumpy cat.”, she said with a wink and stood up to get new coffee for herself and Gavin.

**

Later, Connor picked yn up from her home. She had changed into comfortable clothes. To sit in a car, maybe for several hours, didn't demand fancy clothes. So, dressed in jeans and a big, cozy, black pullover she had snatched from Gavin once and prepared with coffee and a bunch of snacks, she entered the black car Connor had gotten from Hank. It would be less striking because it was an older model and looked more suitable for a drug scene.

They drove through Detroit to reach the docks. Soft rock music was playing on the radio but Connor wanted to level up his smalltalk skills. He knew yn would be the right person to train this so he asked: “You really wanna go on observation? I always thought humans wouldn’t like that?”

Yn chuckled, “Yeah, that’s true. For us cops it feels like doing nothing. Even if we do something but … observations aren’t liked by everyone.”

“Like Reed?”

"Yeah, but also Hank. Oh, speaking of, how's working with him?", yn asked interested. She saw a smile appear on the android's lips which let him look more boyish… even more handsome.

"It's improving. I mean, we had a rough start with the deviant case and the revolution but… we grow as a team.", Connor answered honestly. Through the darkness, he saw her staring at him. It wasn’t unpleasant … quite the opposite.

"I like to hear that. Hank is… well, since Cole died, he was too alone. It's good that you can change that.", the remembrance of Hank’s loss was still hurtful for her. She couldn’t imagine what Hank felt but to have a new partner by his side like Connor would help the old man to get back on track.

"Can I ask you something, yn?", Connor asked softly.

"Shoot it."

"How's working with Detective Reed?"

"With Gavin?", yn asked surprised. She has expected many questions but not this one, "Uhm… good as always. Why do you ask?"

Connor searched for the right words, "He's… We had some troubles as I came to the DPD. But you seem to be able to talk back to him without him getting aggressive and stuff."

Yn chuckled, "Oh, he gets aggressive but he knows I would defend myself no matter what he would try. We had been there at this point once. But...I see what you mean. Gavin can be a… how shall I say it-"

"An asshole?", Connor tried to help her find the right answer.

The android’s directness, caused her to laugh, "Yeah, absolutely. But no, I meant something like 'challenging'. Look, he's not a bad guy-"

"I got a different impression.", Connor said dryly.

"I'm not sure what happened between the two of you but... whatever it was, that you're an android is not helpful."

"Oh trust me, I already learnt that he hates androids."

"Yeah, but there's a reason. I don't want to apologize for his behavior but his mother was one of the people who lost their jobs because of androids a few years ago. He was a teenager as his mother got replaced. He had a rough time and he had to fight for a lot of things. Obviously, you, as an investigator, triggered his aggression once again."

Connor raised his brows as he made a connection between the different information, "You mean he thought I could replace you?"

"Me?", yn asked surprised.

"Hank told me that you got injured in your last case with Reed."

"Oh, yeah…”, yn nodded. Her injuries, that she couldn’t work for some time and the fact that an android investigator had appeared in the DPD at the same time might have had some effect on Gavin. Added to the fact that he still felt guilty and that he seemed to be bothered with something else, could raise his temper immensely, “Maybe that might be a reason...sure. We already have android support. But seeing you could have kindled his fear to get replaced by an android as well."

While Connor processed the latest information, the conversation slowed down. Both were following their own thoughts as Connor searched for a good observation spot near the only warehouse at the docks they could find. Suddenly, some of Gavin’s latest behavior seemed to make sense to yn. It shouldn’t be an excuse but Gavin Reed was a good guy … he just lost his temper too fast.

Connor stopped the engine and he and yn were reaching for the radio to turn it off. In the middle, their hands touched and both looked at each other with a sheepishly expression. Under his soft glance, yn felt her cheeks reddening. Connor noticed the color in her face and because he liked the sight, he wanted to see it again, "You're very nice, yn.", Connor said softly.

Yn blinked and looked at her hands, not knowing where these feelings were coming from … and what feelings it were in general, "Thanks."

Connor turned over and leant forward to her, imitating the movements he had seen on JoJo as he was flirting with her, "I really mean that. Compared to Reed, you're pure joy. I like working with you."

Yn looked up into his soft brown eyes. Was he flirting with her? The glance in his eyes, the smile on his lips, what he said, all of it was evidence of a flirty behavior but was this his intention? And … wanted yn that he did that? She liked Connor but … like this? Unsure about the answer to the last question, she tried to ease the moment, "Compared to Reed, a stone is joyful. But thanks, Connor. I like working with you, too."

Before Connor could say something else, a text message on yn’s phone distracted her and the strange moment was gone. She thanked silently for this kind of distraction while she read the message. She was surprised and thankful for Gavin’s timing, What takes you two so fucking long to get there?

"It's Mr Pure Sunshine. Turn on the radio station. Otherwise, he will crawl through the cord on his own to check on us."

Connor followed her instructions and turned on the radio with a not so amused expression.

"Hank? Gavin? We're here.", yn said as the line was free.

"What took you two so long to get there?", Gavin asked harshly, repeating his message.

"You know, I had nothing to wear and Connor helped me to pick out the right clothes as I just left the shower-"

"Yn!", Gavin grunted.

She could hear how annoyed he was, "Hell, calm down. We needed a bit to find a good place."

The hours were ticking by and the observation had been as boring as it sounded until the bug started to transmit. The information were good. The bug on JoJo was still sending a strong signal and so, Hank and Gavin could still hear what the dealer was talking while Connor and yn could see who entered and left the warehouse. As yn watched how a bunch of dealers AND seemingly the boss himself left the warehouse, yn was surprised that they worked so visible. Maybe the android revolution had made all the other criminals a bit more careless because they thought Detroit would have other problems?

“They’re leaving. The boss, as well. That was faster than expected.”, you said astonished.

“Then, I would say we’re done for today. Obviously, in two days there will be another meeting in this warehouse.”, Hank said.

“Good to know. Tomorrow, we should plan out the operation. Maybe we can get Captain Allen’s support. With his unit, we could arrest all at once.”, yn proposed. All agreed on this idea and the station radio got turned off.

[monaownsmyass]

Going Out Of My Mind In My Mind

Requested fic by anon. (If you have any fic ideas or requests you'd like me to write, you can leave me an ask!)

Book: My First Two Loves

Pairing: Ava Lawrence x MC (Emma Price)

Genre: Fluff but make it angsty

Rating: PG13

Warning: Mild homophobic comments

Word Count: 3,611

A/N: Ava is in love with her best friend. She gets lost in her own thoughts while contemplating if she should reach out to MC. Firstly, I wanna say I’m so sorry to the anon that requested this if they wanted a more light-hearted fluff fic lmfao. If you did, please send me another ask lol. Secondly, I wanna apologise to my fellow wlw for including a little homophobia. It’s not that harsh or mean, but it’s there. I thought including it would better portray a realistic encounter of what it’s like to be a wlw accepting her sexuality and exploring her feelings.

Tag list: @ineedskyecrandall @kamilahsayeet2063 @avalawrencefl @lovekamilahsayeed @thequeenkamilahsayeed @heygmicheelle @djtjsmith14 @jjlover01 @soft-for-drake @dopeyouth @alexroyard @satrinadia @toalltheboysididntlove @mypegasifly @queen-arabella-of-cordonia (lmk if anyone would like to be included or removed in my next fics and if you only want to be tagged for certain pairings.)

The first time I realised I was in love with my best friend was... well, I'm not sure if I'm being honest.

But damn, if that's not the most generic, cliché plot ever for every sapphic film and story ever, I'm not sure what is. However, there was always some truth to fiction and I was no exception.

That was my life. Generic and cliché. Popular high school captain of the cheerleaders who lived in the suburbs and came from a middle-class family that has dated the school's famous golden-boy quarterback.

For far too long, everything was normal. Too normal. Painfully normal.

That is, of course, until I started realising I had feelings for my best friend that was very much into guys. As I've mentioned, I couldn't pint-point an exact date or incident but like a hurricane, it was sudden even though there were warnings signs and it was just as destructive, uprooting and destroying everything I thought I once knew, a force to be reckoned with.

It was utter chaos in a seeming perfect picture but for the first time in my life, I felt alive.

Emma Price was my hurricane. Whether that was a good or bad thing, that was up for debate. All I knew was that I wanted her in my life and didn't care if it wasn't the best idea or if it would hurt me. I just wanted her to be with me.

I think that's the funniest thing about finally having a genuine, heart-wrenching, crush on someone. Even the smartest people get dumb, the most cautious are reckless and the logical becomes irrational. Everything that made sense doesn't anymore because why the hell are you doing things you normally wouldn't do for someone that doesn't even like you back?

I learnt that first-hand and I wished someone would've warned me before that. Not like I would've believed it but at least it would be playing at the back of my mind. An echo in the distance, a nagging voice.

I did the stupidest stuff once I was certain I was in love with Emma. I knew I was in love with her but I was in denial and did things I regretted. Dating other people, trying to make her jealous, downplaying my feelings when I saw her with Mason or Noah. Pushing her away and avoiding her instead of talking to her...

It's different, falling for your best friend. Feelings and signals are mixed, emotions are at a high and everything is just one confusing mess of a relationship that was once simple and innocent.

And now, here I was, laying on my bed, staring at my phone as if it would magically tell me the right thing to do if I looked long enough. It didn't, of course. I sighed, wondering if I should shoot Emma a text. It's been some time since we just talked for fun and I missed her sorely.

Procrastinating, I swiped through my home page. My eyes caught sight of a certain app that I opened ever so often whenever I was missing my best friend.

~*~*~

"Come on! Just download it!"

I scrunched my nose up. "Give me one good reason why."

"Because you’re the best friend in the whole world and you'll do anything I say because you love me?" she said jokingly while batting her eyelashes at me but my heart started racing.

I was acutely aware of her hand on my thigh and the way she leaned into me. My breath hitched at her nearness even though we've been closer before.

That was something else about having a crush on your best friend. Suddenly, everything felt like too much. Every word, every touch, every damn single thing was overwhelming and honestly? It was exhausting. Not only is it emotionally tiring, you go into this weird phase of wanting to savour everything they do and you can't help but wonder why you didn't appreciate these small moments before. You can't help but feel as if you've wasted them all.

If she could sense me stiffen, she didn't show it 'cuz she just went on. "Also, it's about a cartoon cat that eats to save the world! What's not to love?"

"That sounds ridiculous, Em," I laughed. "What's the game called?"

"Dopey Cat!"

"Oh god," I groaned. "That makes it sounds much worse."

"Or much better!" She nudged me and I felt a jolt go up my arm. I always wondered if these simple touches felt the same to her. "Do it"

"Alright, alright!" I giggled and surrendered. "Only 'cuz I'm such a great friend."

"Yes! And like I said," Emma leaned in and my heart dropped to my stomach. "The best."

She gave me a slow, soft peck on my cheek and rested her head on my shoulder, clinging onto my arm and leaving me a flustered mess.

~*~*~

I thought about that moment often. More often then I'd like to admit. Every time I did, the same thoughts would always come to mind.

What would've happened if I kiss her? What if I just turned my head right before her lips touched my skin? Would she have kissed me back? Would she push me away? Maybe she'd say she felt the same way about me.

But that didn't happen, so all I could do was wonder.

And wonder I did.

Being in my room like this, doing nothing, it really did make my mind go everywhere. I've dreamed and cried and laughed and screamed and doing nothing was suddenly the most taxing thing I've ever done. Doing nothing when you're in love with someone who doesn't love you back was the most dangerous thing 'cuz they’re already always on your mind but when you're doing nothing, your thoughts just spirals down an endless pit of possibilities that'll never happen and ultimately, you get hurt.

But knowing this, I still let my thoughts spiral anyway. How could I not when the joy and peace I got from imaging a world where her and I were together was worth the pain and heartbreak?

'Cuz figment of my imagination or reality, it didn't matter, she was worth it.

I've imagine us on dates, having picnics, watching movies, going on road trips, sleeping over, laughing over nothing, at the park, at the beach, in a field, in our rooms.

I've thought about us dancing in the living room at 12 a.m., huddled in bundles of blankets on a cold night, singing along to our song while making breakfast, staying up under the night sky and talking about everything and nothing until sunrise, being able to introduce her as my girlfriend and kissing her whenever I felt like.

I've dreamt about us so much as a couple that I've accidentally mistaken reality for fiction but like I've said, there's always some truth to fiction.

~*~*~

"Congrats on being co-captains, guys!" Iris wished us enthusiastically, practically jumping up and down.

"Seriously, you guys totally deserve it," Toni agreed.

"Thank you!" Emma said.

"You two are the best duo! Our cheer squad is gonna rule with you both leading us!"

"Thanks," I said and pulled Emma in for a side hug, feeling goosebumps from the contact. "We do make a pretty great couple."

I immediately froze when I realised what I said and mentally kicked myself. 

God, that was so stupid! Why was I so careless? I should watch what I say!

That wasn't the first time I've done it and I was sure it wasn't the last, but just like how Emma was always the only one to mess up my constant, she was the one difference between all the other times and this time.

She had never heard me refer to ourselves as a couple but while I was beating myself up, Emma handled the situation coolly. She slid her hand in mine and squeezed which did nothing to calm my wrecked nerves.

"We definitely sure would! She the sweetest, more caring person in the world and I'd be so lucky to call her mine." She leaned into me and gave me a nudge but all I could do was stare at her, eyes wide and brows raised.

Her deep brown eyes locked onto mine and I swear I could feel the spark between our gaze. And what was that I saw in her eyes? Longing? A hint? I wasn't sure but I could've sworn there was something else I couldn't quite decipher. Then again, I didn't really trust my thoughts. If it could make me believe we were actually a couple, why would I ever trust it in this situation? How could I?

I'm not sure how long we were staring at each other 'cuz to me, it felt timeless. We only broke apart when we heard someone making a retching sound.

"Gross! Go get a room," Lauren said as she walked towards us. "No one wants to see two lesbos in action."

I felt her hand fall out of mine and suddenly, I felt very vulnerable.

"You don't have to be rude!" Iris defended.

"Yeah, Lauren, no one asked," Toni agreed.

Emma spoke up. "Go away, Lauren. No one wants you here." She said it in an almost tired manner. She was done with putting up with her and it showed.

"Aw, protecting your lesbian lover? Cute," Lauren rolled her eyes and walked away. "Whatever, later, losers!"

"Don't listen to her," Toni said after Lauren left.

But how could I not?

"Hey, Ava?"

I could hear the sweet voice of best friend calling out to me but it was distant.

Everything was. I didn't feel like I was in my body. All my senses were numb and I felt nothing. Nothing except the raging white heat within me. I was having an out of body experience in the worst way possible and for a moment, I didn't feel human.

~*~*~

Then Ava was definitely different from Now Ava. Then Ava wanted to cry and run as far as she could. But she couldn't. She was paralysed with fear and embarrassment. Now Ava would've just laughed and called Lauren pathetic. Maybe even give her a nice slap across the face if she felt like it. But Now Ava wasn't Then Ava, so why dwell on the past?

The thing is, I didn't want to. But like that dull throb at the back of your skull after a concussion, I just couldn't ignore it. You tell everyone you're fine, and for the most part, you are. But that annoying sensation, constantly reminding you aren't, that you just couldn't forget. That was that moment with Lauren.

Her words played in my mind on repeat for the first week after hearing it. Months later that voice was softer and less frequent, but it was still there.

A lot happened in those months. The biggest of all? I finally accepted that I was gay. No, not gay, a lesbian.

That word Lauren had spoken with a jeer, the word she used to insult me, the word that was meant to humiliate me, I was that word.

That wasn't the only time I heard it used that way but it was the first time it was used against me. Lauren's words was a constant reminder in my mind that being a lesbian was an embarrassment, that I was an embarrassment.

Then Ava would feel a chill run up her spine when she heard that word even though it wasn't directed to her. And when it finally was, her soul left her body but of course, that would've been too easy. Her soul leaving her body would've been the easy way out. So instead, she was forced back into reality and had to find a way to deal with it.

Now Ava knew it wasn't a bad thing. Of course she did, she was one, after all. So why did Lauren's words still haunt her?

I still had to remind myself that it was okay. It wasn't gross or immoral or whatever nonsense they put into my mind about girls liking other girls. And every time I did, the madder I got. At everyone that has ever said anything about it and at myself.

Because how dare they tell me how to feel?

And how dare I listen to them when I knew it wasn't true?

I was at peace with it now. I was at peace with being a lesbian. But being at peace wasn't the same as embracing it, owning it. And I'm not sure if I ever will, but I hope I do.

I wasn't out to anyone, and god, I've never felt so suffocated in my life. I couldn't even tell Emma 'cuz I was afraid of how she'd react. Or worse, that she'd assume I have a crush on her. And the worst part, that it was true. That I couldn't even deny it.

Not being able to tell your best friend whom you've always told everything to made me feel like shit. It ate away at me every time I was near her and whenever we were talking. I always wanted to bring it up but I never found out how. Maybe I will soon, but not now.

Emma had always been understanding. Even when she didn't get it, she would try. She wasn't quick to judge nor did she so easily jump to conclusions but I couldn't help but think that maybe, she wouldn't be so understanding. 'Cuz that's what you do when you overthink. You worry about things that you shouldn't and you create false scenarios and you just, can't, stop.

Which was exactly what I was doing right now.

I sighed, catching myself before I could spiral any further and rolled onto my side, staring out of the window with my phone abandoned on the bed.

It started drizzling and it was getting pretty cold. I moved to get under my comforter and wrapped the sheets around me.

And once again, I closed my eyes as my mind began to wander.

If only Emma was by my side...

~*~*~

"Oh my god! Ava! Stop!" she would giggle as I showered her in kisses.

"Nu-uh!" I'd respond and wrap her up in my arms, still kissing her wherever I could reach as we rolled around on my bed, playing.

She'd try to escape but since I'm stronger than her, it's useless. She's trapped in my embrace and eventually, she'd give in and hug me back.

We'd laughed about silly inside jokes as we let our hands linger over each other's bodies, not wanting to let go.

I'd pull her tight and she'd rest her head against my chest as the rain outside got heavier.

I'd shower her in compliments and she'd blush. We'd talk about life, our hopes and dreams and ambitions. Our plans and future together.

"Would you still be with me?" I'd ask her.

"Forever and always, baby," she'd reply and give me a reassuring kiss.

We'd waste away the rest of the day together and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

~*~*~

But that was just fantasy. She's not here and I'm not ready. Not ready to come out to Emma, let alone confront her about my feelings for her.

I took a deep breath before opening my eyes, as if I were physically preparing myself to come back to reality. I glanced at my phone screen that was opened at her chat. I picked my phone up and got ready to type but I hesitated.

Should I do this?

I didn't have much of a choice though, 'cuz my phone rang and lo and behold, my best friend, my crush, the girl I fell in love with, appeared as the caller ID.

My heart sank but my stomach filled with butterflies. This conflicting emotion wasn't a rare occurrence ever since I fell for my best friend but that didn't mean I was used to it. Fear and excitement coexisted where it shouldn't which only left me with a familiar uneasy feeling.

I only stopped for a moment before hitting the 'accept call' button.

"Hi!" I heard that cheery voice of hers ring from the other side of the phone and I could feel my insides warm.

Hey, yourself." I smiled. "What's up, Em?"

"Nothing much, I just feel like we haven't talked that much." She paused for a while before adding shyly, "And I miss you."

The warmth spread to my cheeks. "I really missed you too."

I heard her giggle and god, was it the most adorable sound ever. "Good to know. What have you been up to?"

Figuring out my sexuality and pining over you.

"Nothing much, just the usual." Liar. "What about you?"

"Just been thinking about you," she said casually and my heart fluttered.

I cleared my throat. "Any interesting stories lately?"

I heard another heavenly laugh. "Too many!"

She jumped right into it, not stopping once and honestly, I never wanted her to. Her voice in my ear was a comfort and I held onto it for as long as I could.

We talked and laughed for hours and I didn't even notice until I glanced at the clock on my wall. Time passed too quickly whenever I was with her, I always felt like it wasn't enough. It never was.

But then again, an infinite lifetime with her would still feel too short. 

"And then, Mack ran out of the house with our dad chasing her in only his towel and shower cap with his back scrubber!" she laughed unrestrained, not holding it back and lighting up the entire world with it.

"Oh my god!" I laughed along with her. "How did she even pull that off? I can't believe I missed that!"

"See? This is why you should come over more often!"

I didn't know how to respond but it was fine because she started speaking again.

"Wow, I didn't realise the time! I should probably head to bed."

"Yeah, me too," feeling disappointed that she was gonna hang up soon even though I let out a yawn. "But I guess I'll see you tomorrow?"

"For sure! Good night, Ava."

"Night, Em."

"..."

"..."

"Are you still there?" she asked me.

"Uh, yeah?" I replied. "Put down the phone."

"No, you!" She giggled.

I smiled from hearing it. "You!"

"Ugh, fine! Bye."

"Okay, bye bye."

"..."

"..."

"Hello?"

"Emma," I breath out in a light chuckle. "Go sleep."

"Okay! Okay, for good this time, bye."

"Bye," I laughed and before I could stop myself, I added, "I love you."

And I shot up, frozen in place. It wasn't what I say, it was the way I did. Soft and vulnerable and definitely not just a friend proclaiming her platonic love to her best friend.

I heard Emma suck in a sharp breath as if she caught onto it too, and the line went dead silent.

"Ava-"

I heard her whisper but I pulled my phone away from me as if it was poison eating away at my flesh and hit the 'end call' button, tossing it beside me. I didn't hear her finish her sentence and I wasn't sure if I could handle it if I did.

Shit!

I hit my palm against my face and slid it down, groaning. How was I gonna face her tomorrow?

Just then, I heard my phone go off. The ringtone I had set just for Emma played and I swear I felt my heart stop.

Nervously, I glanced down at my phone to see the notification that popped up.

'I love you too <3'

Warmth spread through my body and I let out an involuntary grin. I fell back onto the bed with my arm covering across my face.

I glanced back at the message and made a high-pitched squeal that I never in a million years thought would come out of my mouth. Leave it to Emma to make me do things I normally wouldn't.

My heart raced in my chest.

She may not have meant it the way I have but it didn't matter because hearing her tell me she loved me was all I needed.

That was another thing about having a crush on your best friend; the I love you's were up for interpretation.

I placed the phone on my chest and let my arms sprawl out on the bed. Whatever sleepiness I had left my body, there was no way I could go to bed now.

So instead, I let my mind roam but this time, willingly. I let my thoughts free fall through a million different possibilities as the night turned to day. 

I watched the sun rise.

And I smiled.

Because falling in love with my best friend was messy and complicated and heart-shattering. But it was also full of excitement and exhilaration and anticipation.

It was rollercoaster of emotions, full of ups and downs and twist and turns and even loops, but that's what made it thrilling. And for the first time in my normal life, I had something to keep me on my toes.

And I wouldn't have changed a thing.

Was my best friend also in love with me? I didn't know. Would I ever know? Maybe, maybe not. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't at least a little curious to know how she feels, be it good or bad. Maybe someday I'll ask her. Maybe I'll get to hold her. Maybe she'll never speak to me again.

But until then, all I had were the stories I've made up in my mind.

(More fics!)