#learning so much about myself and making so many new friends and ridding myself of codependent tendencies

[amlao]

Day 292 of Being Single for the First Second Time in My Adult Life

I’ve compared every connection for so long.

With Logan, our early interactions felt sexy and dangerous. I was so drawn in, but there was arguing, there were red flags, and I was dodging feeling threatened and coerced. Everything felt so intense and memorable because my senses were heightened to scope out the darkness hidden between waves of his affection.

I met him in an era where I had so much pent-up aggression. I wanted to wage a war, and I waged one on everything plaguing our relationship.

I remember the sinking feeling of knowing he wasn’t over Alice, and instead of recognizing it as the red flag it was, it energized me to make me want to prove my love and devotion to him.

I was IN LOVE and I wanted to FIGHT and I wanted to MAKE EVERYTHING BETTER even if it KILLED ME.

But there is no comparison here.

It’s as passionate as it is effortless, and it is both objectively easier and objectively more passionate.

There’s no threat, there’s no power struggle. There are no demands for me to prove I want to be with him. There doesn’t have to be. He reads between the lines of me being guarded and I can tell that he knows I adore him.

Shawn says things to me, and he doesn’t even know me well enough yet to understand how insanely perfect they are.

He’s confident, he’s self-assured, he’s transparent and peaceful and patient.

He knows he’s attractive and desirable, but makes it abundantly clear that what he feels for me is unrivaled. What a breath of fresh air from someone with severe body image issues whose need for external validation is an endless sucking chest wound.

He is SO quick and witty without a inkling of condensation.

The chemistry is palpable without a semblance of toxicity.

Having someone who is such a good communicator instantly puts me in a mode to strive to be better. Playing mind games isn’t an option when someone is so clear and deliberate about their wants, needs, and intentions.

Every moment with him makes me look back at previous relationships with men and feel appalled that I ever entertained anything less.

It almost feels silly to me that I placed so much overwhelming significance on someone, just because they kind of got me and we had decent chemistry when the relationship wasn’t explosively toxic. Like…that was the bar for four years of longing?

The last time I looked back at the chat, I saw my younger self try to communicate with Logan that I didn’t like jokes about him not loving me as much as I love him, and he responded with, ‘I guess I just shouldn’t joke with you at all. You’ve made me feel like a horrible person.’ And like, LOL what a classic idiot man move. If a guy ever attempted to come at me with that energy with me now, I’d tell him to take a fucking hike.

“You will find a love that dwarfs this love and you will be so happy that you chose Later You,”

I’ve been telling myself this for so long, but I finally believe it now.

[gravehags]

desinare

Pairing: Cardinal Copia x f!Reader (Curator!Reader)

Rating: Teen

Tags: awwww look it's a pre-relationship fic just like old times, dinner party, reader meeting the papas, reader and copia being awkward little weirdos with baby crushes, papa nihil slander, references to other curator reader fics

Words: 3,784

Summary: Your very kind cardinal friend has invited you for a meal with three Satanic popes. Surely there's a proverb about this.

a/n: i had so so so much fun writing this lmao i didn't realize how much i missed writing them pre-relationship. my beloved nerds.

~~~

“Eh, signorina?”

“Fuck!” you yelp, dropping the stack of folders you were holding in shock. “Shit…sorry Cardinal. How do you move so quietly with all that fabric on?”

“M-many years of practice, heh,” he kicks himself for how stupid he sounds, wringing his hands while you smile kindly up at him as you stoop to pick up your papers.

“Teach me how some time? I’m always falling over myself. I’d love to have even an ounce of your grace.”

He can feel his ears burn as a dopey grin spreads across his face. She complimented you. Now compliment her back. Go on, say something charming, idiota.

“Dancing!” he half-shouts, making you jump. You fucking fool. “I…I mean I learned how…how to be graceful from dancing. Ballet. In my youth.”

You’re making an impressed face now which is worlds better from the look of terror you previously wore when he barked at you like a senile chihuahua.

“The Cardinal is a dancer?” you murmur, eyes glittering, “You’ll have to show me sometime.”

“Oh, it’s been years,” he blushes, “this old body doesn’t move the way it used to.”

He swears he sees your eyes flick up and down his form and a tiny smirk lift your lips.

“I don’t buy that for a second, Cardinal.”

Are you flirting with him? You turn to busy herself with organizing your folders but Copia can see the pink tinge at the tips of your ears.

“Do you like bolognese?” he says, once again loud and blunt. 

“I…what?”

“My…my fratelli and I - the Papas that is - would very much like to meet you. A-and share a meal with you. If you are interested?”

Your mouth forms a little “o”.

“There’s more than one Papa?” you ask, cocking your head. 

“Sì, sì, there is also eh, Papa Emeritus I and Papa Emeritus II, known as Primo and Secondo, respectively. Terzo you already know,” he grumbles, and your lips twitch.

“Three Satanic popes and a Cardinal. Wow…life sure comes at you fast, huh? Never expected this from a job offer.”

“So…is that a yes?”

“No,” you say and Copia’s face falls, “I mean - shit - sorry! A no about the bolognese. I don’t eat red meat. But a definite yes for the dinner, I’d love to meet some more people here! You’re very kind to have invited me.”

“Ah,” he waves his hand dismissively, but a smile still curls his lips, “We don’t get pretty new faces around here very often. It would be our pleasure.”

It doesn’t dawn on him what he said until he sees your lips silently form the damning word and your cheeks light up. Shit, why couldn’t he be normal around you?

“Anyway,” he says, his voice going up a humiliating octave, “would you be available this week? Friday evening, perhaps?”

“It’s a date. I mean–” you look as panicked as he feels at your wording, “--a dinner date. W-with your…with the Papas. And yourself. Sorry, where should I meet you? I’m uh, still familiarizing myself with the abbey. This place is huge.”

“Eh, how about I meet you at your office and I’ll lead the way from there, sì?”

“Sì. I mean, yes. Is there a…should I dress a certain way?”

An image is conjured in his mind of you in a pretty cocktail dress, heels lifting your shapely calves and your decolletage on display—

He shakes his head to rid himself of the vision.

“Uh…dress in whatever is most comfortable. Undoubtedly Secondo will put you to work in the kitchen so–”

“Oh good,” you say, “I mean my culinary talents are uh…definitely lacking but I’d be happy to help and keep busy. Idle hands are the Devil’s workshop, and all that. Well…something like that anyway, I’m not sure if there’s a Satanic version. Anyway I am definitely blabbering on so feel free to ignore…literally everything that just came out of my mouth.”

You’re embarrassed. As if he couldn’t listen to you talk and talk and talk for eternity. He’s about to tell you something to that effect before his brain yanks him away. Bit much for only knowing her a month, fool. Instead he gives you a friendly nod, and bows slightly.

“I’ll eh, see you Friday then yes? At 6:00?”

“Sounds perfect. And…thank you. I don’t remember if I said it or not but thank you for making this place feel like home.”

He feels as if his heart is about to burst from his ribcage.

“Signorina,” he murmurs, “it is my honor. Ciao.”

“Ciao, Cardinal,” you say softly as he turns and exits your office. He doesn’t see the way you collapse into your desk chair with a dreamy sigh.

—

You’re going to be late.

As soon as your work day ended you hustled up to your apartment and began getting ready but it’s now 5:41 and you still have no idea what the fuck you’re going to wear. Half your wardrobe lies scattered on your bedroom floor (you know it’s going to make you insane when you return later that night but fuck you can’t remember what clothes you even own) as you stand in the center of the room in your underwear.

“Okay. Okay you’re going to meet three Satanic popes,” the sentence has a delirious laugh bubbling out of your throat. “Three Satanic popes and one…sweet…handsome…Cardinal. What is the correct choice.”

You eye a snug, knee length burgundy velvet cocktail dress to your left. You’ve been saving this one for a while - for a real special occasion. You would undoubtedly impress but…nah. Too much. To your right is a pair of mom jeans - you pick them up and give them a tentative sniff - acceptably clean. You toss the jeans onto your bed behind you. Okay now for a top. How about…ah! You spy a soft, dark green sweater in a pile and snatch it up. Cozy, comfortable, and practical. Perfect. As for shoes…your well-loved black Chelsea boots should do the trick. You look down at your watch.

5:48

Shit! Almost tripping more than once you jump into your jeans and pull the sweater over your head, tucking it halfway into your waistband. You don’t have the time or the patience to put any makeup on beyond a few swipes of mascara and a dark red lipstick and when you make it out the door with your phone and keys, it’s five to six. You briskly power walk the entire trip to your office and by the time you’re standing outside the door, you’re clutching your side and heaving for breath. You pray to whoever is listening that the Cardinal is a little late so you have a chance to compose yourself but before you can even form the thought–

“Signorina?”

You spin on the spot, trying to look as casual as possible.

“Cardinal!” you rasp. “Uh…hi.”

“You look lovely,” he says with an anxious little smile that gives you butterflies, “you’re glowing, signorina.”

“Thanks, it’s the sweat.”

You ought to be taken out back and shot like Old Yeller.

To your immense relief, he doesn’t look disgusted but instead seems to relax as if your odd faux-pas cuts the tension. Chortling, he gestures for you to follow him with a gloved hand.

“What’s for dinner?” you ask, as the two of you proceed down the hall.

“You’ll have to ask Secondo that, I have no idea what the maestro has planned for us this evening.”

“Sounds ominous,” you smile.

“Eh, sì. He is.”

Oh God.

“Your week has gone well?” Copia asks, adeptly changing the subject.

“Yes, just you know. Trying to make sense of everything von Schreck left me with. Can’t help but feel his presence looming over me whenever I change something he did. Did you know him well?”

“Not well, no. He was a quiet man, kept to himself. His eh, mind started to go, in the end. Became paranoid.”

“Ah. Explains his cataloging system then. If you can call it that.”

You realize you’re now in a wing of the abbey you’ve never seen before - a long hallway with a dark red rug running the length of it and arched doors. Copia stops at one that is open and gestures inside with a nervous smile.

It’s a kitchen. A very large, very well equipped kitchen with a massive island and high ceilings. There are three men standing inside it - you recognize one of them and the other two are staring in your direction. The tallest (and from what you can tell, the oldest) has a soft smile on his face. The other is also tall but broad where the older figure was slim, the overhead light glinting off his bald head. Terzo hops down off the counter, swirling a glass of wine and grinning. You’re suddenly aware of four pairs of the same mismatched eyes boring into you.

“Uh. Hi.”

The three Papas are on you like flies on honey in a snap, pulling you into the warmth of the kitchen while Copia removes his black biretta and wrings his gloved hands. With a shaky voice he introduces you to the two you are unfamiliar with and to Terzo he simply gives a hard stare.

“It’s an honor to meet all of you,” you murmur, smiling around the room, “Wow, three Satanic popes. I haven’t even met one uh…regular pope. Not to say you aren’t ‘regular’ or ‘normal’, of course. The Satanic versions are so much more interesting.”

There’s a pregnant pause.

“Do you drink?” the bald, mustachioed one - Secondo - asks.

“Please,” you sigh in relief. He gestures you over to the counter.

“What do you know about Italian wines, piccolina?”

Piccolina? You remind yourself to look that up whenever you manage to take a bathroom break.

“Uh, not much. That is to say…nothing.”

He smirks. You know immediately this man is a heartbreaker.

“I will teach you. This riserva is from the Ministry’s vineyards in Piedmont. Made from Nebbiolo grapes.” He pours you a generous glass which you swirl delicately in your hand before leaning in to sniff.

“Oh! I’m definitely getting…red fruits, perhaps cherries? Something mineral, like the way a damp cave smells. Hold on–”

You take a sip as Secondo watches you carefully.

“Wow that’s gorgeous,” you gush, “I didn’t smell the rose element but I definitely taste it. You said the Ministry made this?”

“Sì,” he nods, as he pours more into your glass, “I’m pleased you like it, you have excellent taste.”

“Oh, I really don’t,” you smile, “you’d cringe if I told you some of the swill I find acceptable. Particularly what I drank in college.”

He laughs loudly.

“What kind of self-respecting American college student drinks wine?”

“One from California, that’s what,” you smirk.

“Secondo stop hogging our guest,” Terzo calls from the other side of the room. “I want to see her pretty face.”

Secondo ushers you over to the small breakfast table where Copia sits with the other two Papas before leaving to fetch several wine glasses.

“Don’t you look bellissima tonight,” Terzo grins, and you blush as he gives you a very obvious once-over. That smile disappears though when he jerks violently, slamming his knee up under the table.

“Stronzino, that hurt,” he hisses at Copia, who has carefully schooled his face into a neutral expression. 

Huh. Wonder what that was all about.

You’re distracted by Primo softly saying your name and you turn to the older man with a smile.

“Are you enjoying life at the abbey so far?”

Ah. Well about that. You want to lie - to tell him everything has been smooth sailing but something about the way he looks at you instantly makes you want to be more candid.

“It’s um. It’s been…a lot,” you say, looking down into your wine glass, “The Cardinal is really the only one who speaks to me outside of Sister Imperator. I-I haven’t got out of my apartment much except to go to work. I’m a little self-conscious about exploring, to be honest.”

Primo gives you a gentle smile.

“Do you know where the greenhouses are, fiore mio?”

Fiore mio. Another one for the list.

“I think I know where the gardens are but I’m not sure if they’re nearby–”

“They are.” he says, “Sister Imperator…doesn’t have much use for an old relic like me. I spend my time tending to all that grows here. With some assistance from my ghouls.”

“Ghouls?” you ask, cocking your head.

He smiles.

“Ah, you haven’t met any yet, have you? Well I won’t spoil the surprise. I’m sure the Cardinal would love to tell you about them some time. Anyway, all this to say…please come visit me when you have the opportunity, sì? Ah, that reminds me,” he gets up and walks through an adjacent doorway to what you assume is the dining room. When he returns, he’s bearing a bouquet of vibrant pink dahlias in a glass vase.

“Oh!” you say, setting down your wine glass as Primo places the flowers on the table in front of you.

“For you, cara. To welcome you.”

You’re squeezing the meat of your thigh as hard as you can under the table to keep from crying but the tears well up in your eyes all the same.

“Thank you,” you whisper, and he reaches out to take your hand into his long, wizened one.

“Cazzo, are you making her cry, you old fuck?” Terzo grouses.

“Terzo!” Copia says with a sharpness you’ve never heard from him before. You’re not sure if it’s the wine but you’re definitely picking up on some tense vibes between the two of them.

“Uh, need help with dinner, Secondo?” you ask, trying to cut the awkwardness.

“Most of it is already finished but you are welcome to assist with the antipasti. Forgive the lack of aperitivo but someone forgot to pick up olives today.”

Secondo glares across the room at Copia, who turns beet red.

“That’s okay, I don’t like olives anyway,” you say cheerily. Primo groans.

“Ugh! Philistine!” Secondo snaps, making a sharp gesture, “Get over here and atone for your sins before I kick you out of my kitchen, piccolina.”

Now your face is red.

“Yes, Papa,” you murmur obediently as you rise from the table, missing the way the four men look at each other with raised eyebrows.

“Va bene,” Secondo says gruffly as you approach the island, leaning over to pour more wine in your glass, “Do you know how to toast bread?”

You give him a look.

“I think I can handle toast,” you scoff, setting down your glass. “Are we making bruschetta?” 

He favors you with a nod and a half-smile. A point in your favor.

“Here is the olive oil,” he says, gesturing to his left, “here is the balsamic. I have already diced the tomatoes and here,” he turns and opens the large refrigerator, coming back with a healthy amount of burrata, “is the cheese. Think you got it?”

“I…think so? Wait, do you have a grill for me to use or…”

He hands you a square metal pan with holes perforated in it.

“You’ve used a brustolina before?”

No, you have not used a brustolina before.

“How hard can it be? Don’t worry about me, please go sit down.”

He gives you one last sideway glance before snagging his wine glass off the table and joining his brothers. 

Ten minutes later, Terzo is standing on the breakfast table waving a rag in front of the aggressively beeping smoke detector as Copia looks as mortified as you feel.

“It’s alright, fiore mio,” Primo soothes as you sniffle, staring at the charred remains of what used to be several slices of sourdough bread.

“It’s toast. I cannot believe I actually fucked up toast.”

Copia scurries to your side and Primo steps away to make room. When your head thunks heavy against his shoulder he wraps an arm around you, making soothing noises. 

You don’t see Terzo thrusting violently into the air with a wide grin on his face, still standing on the table but you do see Secondo yank him down when he lets out an undignified squawk. The noise has you choking out a laugh, and you turn to Copia to see him staring down at you with a painfully soft expression.

“It’s nothing, piccolina,” Secondo says, unhanding his brother, “We didn’t need bruschetta anyway. Prometto. The real star is coming soon. Please–” he picks up your wine glass and gives you yet another generous pour, “--go take a seat. Enjoy the company of the Cardinal, and Primo, and my other idiot brother.”

You nod, accepting your glass.

“Sorry,” you murmur, and you feel Copia’s hand rub warm circles on the small of your back. You’d be willing to burn all the toast in the abbey if this is what you got out of it.

“It’s nothing, signorina, truly,” he says quietly in your ear, leading you back over to the table. Secondo efficiently dumps the cremated bread into the garbage and puts an apron over his head which reads “Osculari Coquum.” 

By the time Secondo tells the four of you to take your seats in the dining room you are…pleasantly tipsy and incredibly hungry. The smells coming from the kitchen are so decadent, you can feel yourself salivating. 

“Here we are,” Secondo says, entering the room with a loaded plate, which he places in front of you, “Pollo alla cacciatora con riso.”

You have to sit on your hands to keep from rudely digging in before the others have been delivered their meals but as soon as Secondo sits down, you’re ready to strike. Before you can, Primo speaks up.

“I would like to toast our lovely new friend. To your health and happiness. May you find a home here amongst us. Benvenuta nostra sorella. Ave Sathanas.”

Sorella. The word sounds familiar, as if you’ve heard it in the abbey halls before. It makes a warmth bloom in your chest that you’re certain cannot be attributed solely to the wine.

“Grazie mille,” you murmur with a smile. “Thank you all for having me this evening, I appreciate it more than you know.”

Copia’s hand, resting next to yours on the table, twitches and ever-so-slightly his gloved pinkie finger brushes against yours. You look at him out of the corner of your eye but he’s staring diligently down at his plate, mustache twitching as he fights to smile. The sight makes your heart thud in your chest. It’s as if the two of you are in your own little world, oblivious to everyone else despite the fact that neither of you openly acknowledge the other. It’s a breathtaking feeling and you wish you could put your finger on what is so special about this peculiar man.

“Bella, if you don’t eat that I’m going to eat it for you.”

Terzo is staring at you from across the table, mouth full of chicken cacciatore. The whole room, in fact, is staring at you.

“Shit! Right! Sorry I was…I don’t know where I was. Hmm.”

The four men once again exchange a look as you politely dig into your chicken and rice. It’s divine, as you knew it would be. The conversation flows wonderfully, the Papas all eagerly explaining the Ghost project to you.

“So you are all part of the same band?”

“We each had our terms,” Primo explains, “I was the first, Secondo was second, and now Terzo is the third.”

Your brow furrows as you mouth their names and something clicks.

“I’m sorry, you’re all brothers and you’re named first, second, and third? Who does that to their kids?”

Copia snorts into his glass at your candidness.

“Our idiot father, that’s who,” Primo says, and you’re shocked at his venomous tone, “You’ve met Papa Nihil, have you not?”

Oh. You’ve met Papa Nihil alright.

“Ah…yes. Yes, we’ve met. I don’t think he cares much for me.”

Terzo laughs.

“We all have that in common, bella mia! Consider it a badge of honor.”

You don’t quite know what to say to that and an uncomfortable silence falls on the room.

“So,” Secondo begins, “you must listen to each of our albums and tell us which one you like best, sì?”

“Oh, I don’t know if I’m qualified to properly judge that sort of thing–”

“We insist,” Terzo says imperiously, “I want nothing less than an album ranking and your overall top five songs. Cardinal, see to it that she gets educated.”

“I don’t see how this is my area of expertise,” Copia says sullenly, stabbing at what remains of his chicken. “It’s not my band.”

Hmm. Another frisson of tension.

Interesting.

“If everyone is done with their meal, shall we move back into the kitchen for dessert? Piccolina, how do you feel about gelato?”

Your cheeks redden at the moan that escapes your mouth. Copia coughs sharply at your side, having turned red himself.

“What’s your favorite flavor, bella mia?” Terzo asks, rising from the table as you do.

“Stracciatella, definitely, but I will never say no to chocolate.”

“Ah! A woman after my own heart! Copia do you hear this? She likes stracciatella.”

The Cardinal remains seated, nodding distractedly. As you exit the room you see Primo move closer to him and put a hand on his back, leaning in to speak quietly.

—

“Oh topolino…she’s just as lovely as you said. Kind, smart, beautiful. Burns bruschetta but eh, no one is perfect.” Primo smiles as Copia looks up at him in earnest.

“Papa…I really like her.”

It’s the first time he’s voiced his feelings out loud and he can feel the flush on his cheeks creeping down his chest.

“I know, ragazzo mio. And you know what? I think she really likes you too.”

Copia’s heart skips a beat.

“Really? You think so? I-I want to do something nice for her, something she deserves but I’m not sure–”

“Spend time with her,” Primo says, smiling, “She is very lonely. Continue to be the friend you have been thus far - that’s what she deserves.”

“I don’t want to be a nuisance,” Copia murmurs, “Surely she’ll tire of me or–”

“Surely nothing of the sort,” Primo says firmly. “If she cares for you as I suspect she does, she will welcome you into her heart. All parts of you, not just the best ones. You’ll see, topolino. Prometto.”

“Grazie,” Copia whispers as Primo places a kiss on his forehead.

“Hey you two what flavor–oh, I’m sorry, I’m interrupting something.”

You move to exit the room but Copia stands abruptly.

“No, please. Stay.”

You smile. If only he knew now how you’d take that request to heart.

[ira-hydrangea]

My mind has gone through some phase right now where I kinda need a little break... So it's just decided to pop out a new story 🙂. So... Here we go...

The Forgotten

Yuu realized that after Malleus overblot, something weird happen to them. They see shadows and heard a voice coming from the darkness.

In horror and confusion, they talk with Micket through the mirror. Mickey knows what happens to them and explains it to them.

So, when facing overblot, the blot has also accumulated and it almost reaches it power when the phantom or the blot manages to get into Idia and escape from S.T.Y.X

It regains its almost full power with Malleus overblot. Now, the phantom cannot exist without a vessel. At first, the one that they choose is Grim but then noticed that Yuu are far better than anyone. They come with no magic but have endless growth potential. The phantom also starts to notice Yuu's body adjustment to Twisted Wonderland magic. And what makes the phantom more sure about making Yuu into their precious vessel or puppet?

The hope and despair that Yuu has. Who knows maybe after witnessing Yuu facing so many of his overblot forms, it's also started to have some fondness towards Yuu. (Almost similar to Mother Gothel).

Learning all this from Mickey, Yuu can only stare at the mirror in shock, and at the same time, the silhouette of the phantom starts to emerge in the form of a man. Smiling wickedly toward Yuu before said "Soon..."

As day turned to week, the encounter between Yuu and the phantom becomes a daily routine and Yuu even feel that sometimes, their consciousness start to seep away.

"I... I can't do this anymore, Mickey! I-I don't want to wake up only to see that I have hurt my friends! Please! You got to help me." plead Yuu as Mickey watch with sadness.

"I'm sorry but... Even I don't know how to get rid of them. The most I can do is find a way to seal him. But with that power, I don't think I can do it..."

"No way..."

As Yuu's silent cry fills the room, they then start to think of something.

"In that case... Do you know a way for me to... Seal myself away?"

"WHAT?! THAT IS ABSURD!"

"If I can't find a way to make the phantom leave then... I can seal it away along with myself. That way I would not hurt anyone."

"NO! I CAN'T ALLOW YOU TO SACRIFICE YOURSELF!"

"Please, Mickey! I rather choose this than hurt my friends! Please, Mickey..."

"I.... Ugh, fine...."

And so, with the help of Mickey, Yuu starts to prepare a place and spell that will seal them along with their consciousness into a deep slumber. Mickey still thinks about Yuu's safety and suggests that they do it with the help of the Artifact or items. It a more safe path for Yuu to use so they agree.

Mickey proposes that they need to choose some people that will be trustworthy enough to hold the artifact or items. Someone that not only act as a holder but also as a guardian or knight. That why a few people from RSA pop up in Yuu mind.

(Let's just say that is a gender-bent from the Disney Princess version)

There are a total of seven artifacts that will be used to seal Yuu away. The Seven Knights of RSA or the guardian are also chosen because Yuu manages to build trust and a relationship with them. For example, Neige or maybe Rollo? (shocking, I know).

And the last preparation is a spell. A spell that can make anyone besides the artifact holder or the guardian forgot the existence of Yuu. This will make everything more bearable for Yuu so that their friends won't waste so much time searching for them.

On the promised day, Yuu spends all their time before with all their friends doing whatever they want. In the last week, they smiled before entering the place with a mirror along with their guardians.

The place that the magic mirror helped to find is an abandoned palace with beautiful scenery. The Magic Mirror respected Yuu's wish and decide to assist. So unless someone holds the key, they cannot teleport to Yuu's place.

(How I imagine the place. So Yuu will sleep in the throne as soon as the spell and the artifact is activated)

Walking towards the throne with a solemn look as their cape blow gently behind them. You look at the pictures of every single of his friends before letting them fly away into the distance. As they sit in the throne looking at their RSA friends -no... They should call them, the guardian.

With a nod, the guardian start to activate the items and the magic soon start to engulf and make a barrier around Yuu before slowly, Yuu close their eyes and fall into a slumber.

At the same time, the magic in Twisted Wonderland starts to activate too and no one will remember the existence of Yuu. Only a few ones that still remember. The guardian, Mickey, The mirror, and somehow... The little feline, Grim.

Maybe there is a mishap in the spell?

---------------------------------------------------

I plan to make this into a series. Depending on me, maybe it will be here or on Wattpad. But so far, this is the scenario I manage to think of. So, What do you guys think? Feel free to add your all own thoughts in the ask section or comment section.

[spookitordukeit]

Guys I am so very very insane.

I have so many ideas for so many stories running laps in my silly little brain over and over and the moment I start writing one idea, another two pop up beside it. Oh I am so ill. So feral. I am unwell. I need to write them down. NOW.

Okay-

1) I’ll put this one up first since it’s almost mermay, but I’ve had this idea for months.

Silly little MC gets pressured to go on a fun little boating trip by friends. (Bad friends) Unfortunately, MC has ✨thalassophobia✨ stuff happens and ‘friends’ decide it would be so ha ha funny to push MC off the boat as a little prank. News flash. MC has always been scared of water. Mc never learned how to swim.

Yada yada, Mc panics, starts to drown, hears clicking or something and is suddenly back on the boat gasping for breath. Orca Sans is not happy to have humans drowning in his waters. He is also not happy to have ‘friends’ polluting his waters with their trash. He had been following them because they kept throwing their shit overboard and then they threw over a while ass human. The man’s is not happyTM.

Anyway, she ends up passed out and her friends take her home, she wakes up the nest day thinking it was all just a weird dream, especially since no one but her seems to remember it, they said she passed out from the heat. After all, Monsters had emerged from the mountain a few years ago, she probably was just having funky fever dreams.

…On a whim, she goes to the dock closest to where her friends had their boat. Even if it was just a dream, the worst that can happen is she ends up looking silly.

Nothing happens and she ends up staring up at the moon, listening to the water hitting gently under the dock. It’s dark enough where she can pretend the water isn’t water and is just the night sky under her feet. She recalls a vague song, but it’s blurry she doesn’t remember where she heard it. There’s no words to it, just musical notes. On a silly whim, she sings in the quiet darkness.

It’s only when she finishes that she opens her eyes, finding two white eyelight staring back at her.

Thinking of calling it Learning Your Song.

2) I really really love the anti-harem concept, especially like There’s Still Magic by RosesCry and I’d love to write one myself! I have the idea of a whole verse for this one- I’d call is NexusTale or NexusHub and It’d be this one huge nexus where all the aus emerge from their mountains. I’m thinking it will be the first original verse lord wise. And other verses just continuously show up, many of them leave to go create their own Home AUs once their free, but may also stay.

MC has a… troubled home life to say the least. I can’t say much about this without spoiling it, but her and her sister live together, MC owns the house but she may as well be a freeloader with the way her sister and the skeles act. Oh yeah- did I mention MC’s sister invited a whole gaggle of skeletons to come live with them without asking MC?

It’s not like she could say no— they’re all newly emerged from the underground and don’t have a place to call their own, her and her Kindness couldn’t just leave them to the wolves… I Have Many Ideas For This One— I think I’d call it Shades Of Green or something.

3) okay so hear me out- Blue joins the Bad Sanses but with horrendous ✨trauma✨ Blue is with the Stars, and he does his best! He really does! But even his best isn’t enough most times. And people need him— people will die and suffer needlessly if he rests for even just one moment— so he must keep going! Dream is always there to give him a searing hot boost of energy whenever he’s falling behind. And who is he to complain if it makes his marrow feel like it’s boiling him from the inside out? If it feels like his soul is filled with churning, molten lava? If all he can think of is fight fight fight— anything to get rid of this feeling.

Why does Killer keep asking him weird questions? What does he mean he thought Blue would be too out of commission from mourning to fight?

…When was the last time he saw his brother…?

I’m thinking of calling it, When Dreams Turn To Nightmares. I also want to up the anti by having Nightmare somehow be able to transfer a little bit of his power to the boys?? Making them like demi gods??? Idk I’ll figure it out

4) okay okay— UnderFell soulmate Au where the first words your soulmate says are somewhere on your skin. I know I know, it’s been done many time but LISTEN- Monsters emerged from the mountain like five years ago and very quickly took over, humans are lower class and the world over all is pretty sucky. MC lives in a shitty run down apartment and works a shitty job. She has two marks, one on each of her wrists like shackles.

She’s working at her job at the gas station one day, tired, hungry and ready to go home when the captain of the royal gaurd and the freaking judge walks in. She’s panicking because two of the most powerful and dangerous Monsters are within killing distance of her, as she should. She does her best not to make eye contact with either of them as they loudly walk through the aisles, but, inevitably, The Judge comes over to the checkout and she can’t ignore him— no one ignores the judge.

Red says something probably along the lines of “what? cat got yer tongue?” And MC freezes mid scan of an item, the words on her left wrist burning against her skin for a brief moment.

She looks at him with utter horror and Edge walks, excuse me— stomps over with some snappy demand like “WHAT IS TAKING SO LONG, HUMAN? WERE VERY BUSY!”

And then the words on her right wrist start burning and all she can do is mutter out “This can’t be happening.”

Both the boys freeze for a long moment and MC flees out the back door.

I’m definitely calling this one Shackled By You Words, Collared By Your Love. Because yeah it’s UnderFell, there’s collars lol. MC has one that she wears that she fills with her own Intent to keep Monsters away. Not that it works very well.

5) I reeeeeaaaallly want to do a dark fic 😔 I think writing a Yandere Edge would be really interesting. Not in a ‘I’ll kill anyone who looks at you’ but more in a ‘I’ll steal you from the forest and take you home where you will never leave because I only I can keep you safe and you will never want to leave.’ Kinda way.

So MC is a skeleton creature of some sort, not sure which yet. She lives in the forest alone, without a pack. Her pack was… lost. They had been taken from their homes once, and she got free. But now she is alone, and has been for many years.

She had her den and she protects the forests creatures from hunters, many of which do not leave alive. One day she catches a familiar scent, and with her soul racing and the inside of her skull screaming that she’s found them! They came back! They escaped! Family! Pack! Pack! Pack! She races through the trees and follows the scent, skidding into a clearing with an elated yell of welcome, only to stop short and have the words die in her throat.

The monster that stands shocked in the clawing is not her pack.

Fear, grief and rage well up in her soul and instead of running the monster out or killing him for trespassing in her forest, she runs. She runs all the way back to her den and burrows herself into the deepest parts of her nest while her soul tries it’s best to tear itself apart. The brief hope that had surged in her soul leaves her more broken then she was before, her kind is not meant for isolation. She so horribly, painfully alone…

She doesn’t leave her den for days, creatures of the forest bring her food and water, and stare worriedly at her until she accepts them, wolves bring her fresh kills and rabbits snuggle into her sides. The forest is worried, and yet she can not bring herself to move. She is alone.

Prey animals scatter and Predators growl in warning when a figure emerges from the trees. MC looks up in shock and fear as the monster from before pauses in the little clearing of her home. Anger quickly stomps out her fear as the monster is surrounded, she pulls herself from her den and growls at the intruder who dares to invade her home.

The Skelton monster does not look worried for his well being despite the wolves, bears and even a great moose surround him. The forest hisses with anger.

Somehow it deescalates and Edge ends up coming to the forest quite frequently. He is observant and quiet but he’s kind and sh is so very alone. She attaches to him quickly, missing him when he’s gone and chattering endlessly the moment he’s there. She shows him her den, shows him her nest, shows him the wonders of her forest and tells him of her darkest memories.

Memories of white labs and cold voices and the whines of her pack from behind separated walls. Memories of escaping along with another, but losing sight of him along the way. (Sometimes she thinks she can smell him on Edge… but that’s just her head playing tricks on her.)

…When she wakes up from a nap that leaves her groggier then normal, she’s a little disoriented. But not for long. The place she finds herself is unfamiliar, but Edge is not.

She can’t do anything but stare at the monster in front of her in silent horror, a cold pit in her stomach as her shaking hands grip onto the collar around her neck.

Idk what if call this tbh.

Sigghhhhhhhhh. So yeah, that’s all my ideas so far. Any of them strike your fancy?? Lemme know! I’ve already got five fics going, what’s five more?!

*sobbing*

[annbourbon]

Beyond The Planets: What The Planets really are in the Cheritzverse

(yes, they're not just The Ssum)

Okay;;; I had several WTF moments while writing this post and you're about to see why. But before that, if you need a quick refreshment on how Karmic Laws work, you should read this post, cause we're about to delve even more into it. Also, this is intended to be a long post because it's gonna be 2 or 3 posts in one, since they're connected.

Also, there were tons of pics to support this post and I could not fit them all into one no matter how hard I tried making collages and stuff~ hence this ended up becoming a two parts post, with the second and third (probably more incoming~) part posting only the images I couldn't fit here. Thank you!!!

♡ Beyond The Planets ~ Part 2

♡ Beyond The Planets ~ Part 3

Quick Guide ~ Beyond Planets

There are two types of planets inside The Ssum. Stationary and Seasonal planets. These stationary and seasonal planets hold a purpose, like, in theory you can say they are nothing but just planets. However if you pay attention to what they say~ you have several things.

So far I'm working with 4 planets to unravel the mysteries so far: Root of desire, Crotune, Bamboo Forest of Troubles and Momint.

Although my theory is that they all are tied and work to supply each other.

Also, being honest, to delve in great detail in each of the planets would take me forever so this is just the basics and the descriptions, to tie them with the rest of the Cheritzverse thread but not an actual guide of how they work or what you find inside them. Because it's so much more~

Mobile/Seasonal Planets

These planets are supposed to be like "seasons" that come and go~ and the characters (LI) are basically changing their appearance, and the emojis, even the background every time there's a new planet~

1. Vanas

2. Mewry

3. Crotune

4. Tolup

5. Cloudi

6. Burni

7. Pi

8. Momint

Emotion/Stationary Planets

I tried to put them all together but it's kind of difficult to do it so~

Then you have the other planets that are kind of like our solar system~ always there.

1. City of Free Men

2. Root of Desire

3. Canals of Sensitivity

4. Archive of Sentences

5. Milky Way of Gratitude

6. Bamboo Forest of Troubles

7. Mountains of Wandering Humor

8. Archive of Terran Info

Now that we have them, let's delve into the Karmic Laws, which at this point I don't think it's a coincidence the way they are, but I'm also not sure I can properly identify them myself as I'm still learning them and besides, many of them repeat. But it's up to you to decide~

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆From Stationary Planets⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆

* According to Wikipedia these are called Emotion Planets.

City of Free Men

Karmic Laws: Growth and open mindness. (???)

Described as a place to build a Lab where you can study what you want. For bored participants to get rid of boredom.

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Root of Desire

Karmic Laws: You create your reality

Described as a planet to send your desires into the universe. All sorts of desires are drawn to this planet. So you get to share and unleash the desire deep inside your heart it with the souls visiting. (This planet is best friends with desire for shopping. Or so it says~)

*Beware. You might be taken over by your desire if you stay for too long.

As a note: When you "create a desire" it asks you things like, what do you want, need~~

And offers things in the following categories:

♡ Object ♡ Human ♡ Romance ♡ Wealth

♡ Life ♡ Career ♡ Academics ♡ Inner

♡ Family ♡ Others

Following that, it asks you to specify the desire:

♡ Express it in relation to reality

♡ Express it freely like a dream

And no, there is no coming back. So you need to choose well. IMO, this feels like creating a spell, or making a deal with the Wizard. You even send signals for your wish to become real. And if you express it in relation to reality, you need to set a date for your wish to become true.

The planet itself feels a bit too much like you're actually trading something or shopping. The mention of souls specifically, to share it with another soul or send signals, I don't know if I'm overthinking things but it feels like being in some kind of black market. It reminds me a bit of Nameless but I still fail to see how~ and in a way I think it's similar to Crotune yet not the same.

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Canals of Sensitivity

Karmic Laws: Compassion.

Described as a place to read or write. From a diary, a single line to show how depressed you are, a short story or even a novel is welcomed. Support is also welcomed.

You can follow writers, although you cannot follow more than 10.

I feel they're mocking us lololol how depressed~

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Archive of Sentences

Karmic Laws: Evolution(?)

Languages of harmony that calls forth universal human agreement is collecting... A variety of energy will rise simply by reading trending terms, golden quotes, and impressive sentences."

You have discovered a place where sentences would gather!

Did you know that reading sentences that touch on your heart will help you with self-improvement?

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Milky Way of Gratitude

Karmic Laws: Gratitude. Generosity.

This Milky Way was born from millions of gratitude! What do you feel grateful about for the day? I am grateful for the electronic waves from a satellite that I had early this morning.

Although no scientific evidence exists, they say if you show gratitude with all your heart you will get to find yourself lucky. Journal studies on gratitude are receiving more spotlights on Earth, and the details on the effect of gratitude are becoming more widespread among people.

At the Milky Way of Gratitude, you can write a relay of, share, and send support for Gratitude Diaries!

Try writing a diary now! I wish your future will be full of luck.

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Bamboo Forest of Troubles

Karmic Laws: Compassion, interdependence (???)

"If you have troubles, visit the Bamboo Forest of Troubles to scream them out. People will not be able to tell voices in this forest."

At this bamboo forest, everyone is anonymous!

When you find something upsetting at school or work... When troubles just will not leave you alone...

If you have any woe, trouble, or dilemma, unleash it in this place!

You might find supports from people and get back on your feet. Or you might find yourself at the center of new gossip.

But of course, you can make use of the anonymity and ask and answer stuff you might be otherwise too embarrassed to ask or answer!

Relieve your heart of whatever weight it carries at this bamboo forest and feel free to talk and make discussions.

If I'm to be honest~ I didn't understand this at first until I saw Mr Queen K-Drama and I realized some of the characters go to an actual Bamboo Forest to start screaming their pain and wishes.

As a quiet reminder~ the Wizard said that only those with desperate wishes can see him.

So this and Crotune where when I started to reconsider, what if The Ssum is basically a «set up» to make The Wizard stronger? Or what if all these years that we've been looking for The Wizard hideout~ it turns that the place is~ "The Ssum"?

It's also interesting to mention that has a crazy doctor, who disappeared in mysterious circumstances and it's supposedly responsible for The Lab and PIUPIU.

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Mountains of Wandering Humor

Karmic Laws: Living the moment (???)

Do not trust the signals from the Mountains of Wandering Humor. Once you do, you would wish you have never trusted them."

So you have found the Mountains of Wandering Humor, where laughs (or fake laughs) are drawn to. Are you good at making jokes?

Is there anything funny you have to share?

Or... Are you good at making dad jokes...?

Then try debuting as a comedian and let your jokes take flight! If you are not good at making jokes, you can try evaluating jokes you would find.

If you smirked, make an applause.

If you were awed, give a gift.

If you were disappointed, give a taste of your disappointment.

If you were utterly disappointed, fling them to the trashcan...!

Good jokes will last on this planet as long as they can. We hope you would enjoy your time relieving yourself from stress at the Mountains of Wandering Humor...!

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Archive of Terran Info

Karmic Laws: ???

This is the Archive of Terran Info, where you can find a myriad of knowledge and information! Try determining what kind of information you could make use of at this place.

And you can even try being the messenger of information in this place.

If you have any top secret only you are aware of, try sharing it here!

Q. What kind of bulletin boards can I find?

1) The Ssum: questions, answers, and information about this application

2) Life Tips: information that could be useful (or not) in daily life

3) Free Info: free exchange of information (secrets of UFO, for example...)

Q. What can I do if I find a post that is not useful?

Answer: Please send us the frequency by tapping Not Helpful! Or you can jot down information in the comments section that can make the post useful.

Q. Wow! I found something that is really useful to me!

Answer: Send support or show gratitude with a comment. The writer will greatly appreciate it.

Q. My post was voted as not helpful...

Answer: How disappointing... Try visiting Planet Mewry. Or just deal with it.

That is it for this AMA. I hope you would enjoy your stay in this archive!

So according to this~ we're basically spies and messengers who are working under the Lab orders. Cool. Not really~

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆From Seasonal Planets⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆

Vanas

Karmic Laws: Truth/Honesty, Humility

We have detected a unique planet that is perfectly parallel to planet Venus. So we are sending the love signal from this planet to Earth.

Do you dream of sweet love?

Take courage and see what lies within you!

And find out what he is hiding little by little!

Welcome to Vanas, a planet full of energy of love!

"This banana-shaped planet is sweet and charming. Believe it or not, the legends say its name originated from the goddess of love."

You have discovered Planet Vanas, a pioneering site for truth!

Planet Vanas has this... This mystical energy that can separate one of its planetary layers into a personal dimension! Now, let us pioneer for the truth within your truth, as if peeling a banana. Please save in this planet all the positive truth and negative truth about you.

You are the only one who can see them. I wonder what kind of change you will go through as you learn about yourself.

At Planet Vanas, you will get to come in contact with visions that portray your inner world and pose you questions on a continuous basis. Nurture your inner world through questions your visions bring you!

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Mewry

Karmic Laws: Detachment.

We have discovered a planet composed of substances similar to sweat and tears.

Its shape resembles a complicated heart. So we are sending a complicated yet warm signal.

Very carefully unraveling knots of planet Mewry... This planet resembles an intricately raveled yarn. It may look a bit gloomy and wounded, but it is quite healthy."

Oww... My heart aches whenever I visit Planet Mewry.

(as I am an A.I. and therefore have no pain, I can only emit ’sadness...’)

In this planet, you will get to explore the sadness within. Please make sure you have your handkerchief with you.

Once you explore your pain, you might get to find new memories that you did not realize were a pain.

And... If you would like, we could activate the algorithm that takes away the pain.

Please calibrate your rate of visit on Planet Mewry according to the degree of your pain.

They say pain, guilt, rage, and evasion are all closely interconnected. We hope you would get to find the journey of healing here on Planet Mewry!

Mewry says to take the pain away from you.

If that sounds creepy is because it is! Pain is part of life, you cannot have true happiness if you don't know the other side of the coin, and life it's not meant to be plain and simple. One of my favorite quotes comes from Forrest Gump~ life's like a box of chocolates, you never know what you're gonna get. Because it's true! So pain is not to be avoided. And if we're honest, there's some kind of pain and some kind of fear that will never go away, it will transform, always ready to hurt. To attack. So you have to do it anyways.

But according to Mewry, they can take it away~ if only that were to be true, I would be first in line after my trauma with Harry's route lol

Maybe it's because these days I've been crying a lot~ it occurred to me that Mewry it's the planet of Memories?

I mean lolol I saw "Mewry" through tears and I thought it said "Memories" and when we think of the context of this planet, it kind of made sense?

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Crotune

Karmic Laws: ???

Transmission from planet Crotune.

No matter how sweet it is, sometimes love cannot contain its shape. For instance, love often crumbles at the face of reality.

Hopefully your love will hold him steadfast. So we are sending sweet yet bitter signal.

You have discovered a planet as sweet as a chocolate. It is a mysterious place that can melt down like your dreams but also bring bitterness like the reality. In case you are torn between dreams and reality, please pay a visit to this planet.

[Dr. C, the chief lab researcher]

"Oh no! Unexpected strife of heart is causing meltdown in Mt. Crotune!"

"This planet is recently born, fresh and sweet. However, beware. There is a bitter cacao river bending here and there in the middle of its sweetness."

If you have an ambition or a goal, you could make use of the algorithms on Planet Crotune.

Is your dream an ambition that can be realized? Or is it merely a daydream?

Sweet are the fruits of your goal, but bitter is the journey towards your goal. (Phew...)

Tend to your dreams on Planet Crotune!

You can get consistent help with your dreams on this planet.

Described as a planet for Desperate Wishes.

It was the mix of playing The Ssum, Mystic Messenger by myself, and Dandelion (with @cherrychipheart and @smol-grey-tea ) at the same time that made me realize several things and create this post. But the connection wouldn't be possible without Crotune. See this is why playing Dandelion is vital to understand the connections between the four games Cheritz now has~

IMHO from all the planets, Crotune is the one that looks similar to talking to the Wizard. While in several planets (Vanas included) they have a motto that says "you don't exchange things like in other planets~~ and the need of balance"

There's also the turning sweetness into bitterness, and many other lines that keep reminding me the Wizard. So I believe you should be careful not to drop your wishes in Crotune lol because maybe the Wizard will take advantage of it. After all only those with desperate wishes can see the Wizard.

So one of the several theories I'll be dropping on this post is: What if the place we've been looking for is this, "The Ssum"?

In a sense it would make sense since it has also a "crazy doctor" supposedly responsible for the Lab and PiuPiu. There are also a lot of Planets.

Although another theory taking more strength, the more I delve into all this~ is that we, players, by controlling MC~ and being messenger and spies, playing with time/space, we did something. Something which has awakened "The Angel".

How The Wizard enters in this? Is he the Angel? So far I have no answers.

The only thing is that it's painfully obvious, The Angel, PIUPIU, The Wizard and MC know about time travel.

And sometimes the other characters break the fourth wall. Characters such as:

Mystic Messenger:

♡ Jaehee ♡ Yoosung ♡ Saeyoung

♡ Jumin ♡ Saeran ♡ Zen

The Ssum:

♡ Henri ♡ June ♡ Teo ♡ Harry

* I haven't played enough Nameless and Dandelion to know if the 4th wall is broken at some point, so it you know~ do tell and I will edit this.

Another thing that is for sure~ The Angel knows of the future and keeps protecting MC.

But do as you wish~

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Tolup

Karmic Laws: Evolution, you create your reality. Responsibility. Growth and open mindness. Ripple effect.

Transmission from planet Tolup.

We have discovered a planet in the shape of a beautiful flower.

People say the red tulip stands for perfect love. It has been quite a while since you and [your Ssumone] have met.

Do you think your love is perfect as of now? So we are sending fragrant signal.

Have a beautiful day...

"New seeds of love have been discovered in the third moon of planet Tolup."

"This fragrant planet resembles a certain flower. It is said only those who know its floral language would realize the true love of this planet."

This is Planet Tolup, the home to a beautiful natural environment that is very much alive!

Tend to this land like Mother Nature would and discover spiritlings hiding underground!

A spiritling comes with infinite potentials - it can become anything!

A spiritling may grow into a legendary spirit.

Depending on the way you raise a spirit, a spirit like none other may be born!

I shall watch what kind of spirit your spiritling will grow into. I can feel my heart dancing!Oh, right!

A well-grown spirit will always make a return for the care it has received. You will get to see for yourself what good it will bring you... Hehe...

Described as a planet for infinite potential.

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Cloudi

Network.

Karmic Laws: Interconnection and interdependence.

Transmission from planet Cloudi

We can pick up a vast variety of signals from this planet. The signals we are sending you from this planet are composed of beautiful melodies of revolution by satellites making planetary orbits. We hope this melody will make your heart feel lighter.

^&^&Cl%^oudi$%!&**^^connection*)uuuuunstable#$$$

"Possessing the greatest number of satellites, this planet resembles a cotton candy. It seems lumpy and relaxed."

Are you experienced in one-on-one conversation? Planet Cloudi is home to social networks! You can write your profile and find new friends. It is not easy to find a friend you can perfectly get along with... But it is not impossible.

According to the statistics, you can meet at least one good friend if you try ten times on average!

As long as you keep trying and defeat your shyness...You might get to meet a precious friend other than [your Ssumone] with whom you could enjoy a cordial conversation. So let us compose your profile right now!

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Pi

Karmic Laws: Living the present.

Transmission from planet Pi

The approximate value of the radius of this planet is 3.14159... We are making full use of our equipment to find out all the digits, but even our equipment are failing us. Wait, do I smell something burning?

Checking signals...

"What is this scent? It reminds me of... A sweet, burning pie..."

"This pie-shaped planet blazes for 365 days a year. It is very hot and passionate, enough to make your heart leap."

How to Use Planet Pi

1) Spin the pie.

2) Get your reward.

...That is it. Enjoy the pie. I mean, enjoy your stay!

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Burny

Karmic Laws: Growth. Open mindness. Interconnection. Detachment. Patience. Persistence and long term view.

Transmission from planet Burny

Even at a place where everything has burned down, a tiny flower will surely rise. Even at a planet where almost everything is gone, the sunlight will never fade.

"Planet Burny has the most beautiful rings of shine I have ever seen."

"This planet looks like ash that has burned itself out, but it has a ring with pool of dim light. Though its craters seem to be pitch dark as its surface is dark, it is actually bright and warm."

To tell you the truth... I have once been crazy about mentally calculating binary numbers.If you have something you were keenly passionate about, retrace your memories at Planet Burny.

Could you share ’a tip’ on the memories and the subjects of your passion? It could be a great help to someone.

Additionally, if you happen to be looking for a new hobby, you could try searching the ashes of Planet Burny.

Your passion will serve as someone’s passion...

And someone’s passion will serve as your passion. That is what life is about.

⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆⋆ ₊ ﾟ ☽ * ₊ ⋆˚₊·—̳͟͞͞♡

Momint

Karmic Laws: Living the present

Transmission from planet Momint

We have picked up a very powerful signal from somewhere. Oh, no. We have a very strong magnetic field. A powerful wormhole has been created by the gravity of this planet.

Warning - Time Machine unstable.

"Planet Momint is a new face in the galaxy, but it possesses a plenty of resources and potential."

"Shaped like a mint-colored eye, this planet is equipped with a sad legend. Only I know what that legend is about, though I do not believe in legends."

Everyone at the Lab was bewildered upon the discovery of this planet... (The background music is weird)

When you enter Planet Momint, it is recommended to somewhat lose (or perhaps completely lose) your mind.

Wow! Anybody can be a god in this place. Make a god with no power at all out of yourself! Say whatever you would like!Or you could be a believer believing in a god not worthy at all to serve!

To give you some knowledge...

Some statistics show that releasing yourself from daily life to instead act with out thinking can help you to deal with your stress. I hope you would enjoy crazy time...

Apparently there's a sad legend here~ does anyone know what could it be? Either we find Dr Cus or~ maybe the fandom knows?

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Emotions and Frequencies are~

Disclaimer: Things get a bit messy here because of the way I view certain things, this was made before I knew Wikipedia has a page full of information on The Ssum.

Inside the Lab~ (Incubator)

So, my original theory was that emotions have to go into the "lab" and you gotta "cook" them. The term used here is "incubated". Which makes us fill PiuPiu...

...

..

.

But according to Wikipedia, it's the other way around. You need to cook energy. Transform it into an actual emotion~ and use them as currency.

Frequencies are also incubated. 30 of a certain frequency will open a planet.

The Unicorn is pooping all these "frequencies and energy" no, I'm not kidding. I mean it, the unicorn *literally* "poops" lololol

The ball goes from the place where it says passion, for example, through the unicorn butt lol and gets into one of the flasks, so you can cook it. It'll take some time for the flask to finish, sometimes it's quick and others it can take literally hours. There's no actual way to know how much time it's gonna take. But you're supposed to storage it on PiuPiu's Belly.

Once PiuPiu is filled~ we need to go back to the planets and drop everything there. We are, if this wiki page is correct, dropping emotions in each planet.

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Emotions(?):

*Wikipedia says they're energy, but based on their description it sounds like emotions. Also sometimes they are not energy but frequencies. So, it's kinda confusing. Especially because they are usually attached to keywords that make it look like the energy includes emotions.

♡ Passionate [Emotion: Strong desire] - Red

Planet: Root of Desire

Passionate, mind-numbing energy that can be gained from something instinctive or stimulating. Apparently a planet full of desires makes something red with this energy.

(See what I mean with the way every planet is feeding the others? That's interdependence. But seems so transactional that you get an eerie sensation every time you're there. Something very wrong it's going on~)

Karmic Law? Unsure. It can be growth and open mindness. Or maybe living in the present.

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♡ Innocent [Emotion: Wings of Sensitivity] - Orange

Planet: Canals of Sensitivity

Sensitive energy that you can gain by paying attention to words full of innocence and sensitivity. Once you get enough of such innocent energy, you can fly to certain canals... Would you like to find out where they are?

(Innocent energy... I'm getting Hocus Pocus vibes lol and this is not good. You guys are gonna need to read my post on Souls and Dolls because it ties.)

The Karmic Law? Compassion

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♡ Jolly [Emotion: Best jokes ever] - yellow

This energy is as jolly as it can be! It is drawn to laughter, so you can gain it from cheerful atmosphere. It is said you can hear laughter from a certain planet given that this energy is in your possession.

The Karmic Law? Living the moment, probably.

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♡ Peaceful (green)

Peaceful energy (green) which is associated with Milky Way of Gratitude.

This energy is serene, peaceful, apparently born from heartwarming considerations and kindness. Once gratitude from every single human in the world comes together, a Milky Way is born above.

The Karmic Law? Gratitude.

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♡ Logical [Emotion: Wall of Reason] - mint

Planet: Archive of Terran Info

(This seems to be the most popular one, considering how cold and without balance the Wizard can be in his way of making contracts.)

Karmic Law? Detachment

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♡ Philosophical/Pensive [Emotion: Puzzles in a relationship] - Royal Blue

Planet: Bamboo Forest of Troubles

This is an elegant philosophical energy that supposedly rises from serious and mature connections. It is said that it is molecularly similar to the air molecules exclusive to bamboo forests.

(My thoughts? This and logical are tied. Somehow. Because if you get to think too much about things, you can detach yourself and get more logical about things.)

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♡ Galatic (purple)

This energy was begotten from the furthest edge of the aurora in the universe. It is said it is born with sparkles like a shooting star once you reach a huge enlightenment regarding life, and it is yet unfathomable with human understanding.

A note: Those that travel space dwell in the dimension higher than the Terran dimension. They are from wise species that did not let their science destroy them!

Our Lab comes with a license that allows us to communicate with Creatures of the universe, all thanks to you and your fellow lab participants.

- Dr. Cus-Monsieur

(If you see one of the gifts is a golden fountain pen. Very similar to Jumin Han's. Also Dr. Cus-Monsieur notes give validity to my theory. We are being used.

Let me explain, the real Mystic Messenger is MC. A puppet. Like Beatrice, or almost every character in Nameless. And us players are simply victims being exploited lololol but at the same time, I believe we are the perpetrators. Kind of like, in Another Story in Mystic Messenger you're aware of the situation but not aware of the WHOLE situation. We're gonna get there, hang on a bit more please~)

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♡ Rainbow

Rainbow energy - all kind of energy available

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Energy of the day [Energy Day]

Description: Although the Energies floating about in the air are invisible, they come with different compositions each day. Which is why one day you may be full of passion, while for the other day you may find yourself deep in philosophical reflection. We run an Energy Forecast System that let's you know what kind of energy will prevail strongly each day.

We also provide all lab participants with the strongest energy of the day for free in order to keep balance of the Energies in check.

* I thought it was our feelings but it's theirs (The Ssum characters, Teo, Henri, Harry, June. And in MM too~ and Nameless when they give us pieces to exchange later on. Is a bit different in Dandelion but not for much. The theme repeats.)

ꕤꕤꕤꕤ

* Apparently Energy generates Emotions? and Gifts.

** Energy is used to incubate emotions. Emotions are used to support others through the planets. (Wikipedia)

ꕤꕤꕤꕤ

Honestly? I stand by my own theory. But I don't think it matters much whatever these orbs of magic are called but the way they are used.

Because we can also send bunnies/pets back to the space to receive in exchange batteries. This is a bit creepy when you actually think about it. It makes it look like the whole game is a black market or smth~ idk. Also... we don't get to think about "bunnies" as something else because we only see them in bunny form~ but what if they are similar to our characters in Dandelion? After all Dandelion characters were also from other planet and landed on Heejung's room. It's just a thought of course~

When they're in the Sunshine Shelter, bunnies (and other pets) give you emotions (energy?) sometimes, in exchange for you to let them out of the Refrigerator.

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Frequencies:

Are unique to seasonal planets. Seasons typically last 30 days but it depends. Thanks Wiki TT

* Incubator sometimes produces gifts. They can be given to other players. And received gifts can be decomposed into Aurora Batteries.

** Unlocking the incubator, animals in the sunshine shelter, supporting others in the daily lab and playing inside Pi planet~ will give you more frequencies.

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Currency~

Emotions are energy. Look at Monsters Inc. & Inside Out too as reference for how the Cheritzverse works.

Characters give us emotions. Which are the currency of every game, to travel through time, space, planets and gather knowledge. Powers. Memories.

We, gather knowledge. Or maybe we lose memories. How much of every game do you remember now?

There are only 3 or 4 characters accross the games who are like this, always investigating. Always taking things.

♡ The Wizard

♡ Dr. Cus-Monsieur

♡ V - It is said and constantly talked about his many trips, now this can be taken in 2 ways, we know that he gathers a lot of knowledge on Mint Eye and Saejoong Choi. And this is obviously tied to RFA. But it's also said he's an evil mastermind. And that we should not trust him. He was the one that gave Elizabeth the 3rd to Jumin, as a gift from Rika. He was the one that named~ Elizabeth the 3rd.

At least 4 people inside the game tell us not to trust V:

♡ Yoosung (who ironically was right since the beginning about several  things~ including Rika's death.)

♡ Saeyoung (after finding what happened to his brother)

♡ Rika

♡ Saeran itself who is victim of everything that has happened. Victim and perpetrator.

At some point not even Jumin trusted V with MC safety. Doesn't that already rings bell alarms to y'all? And if it's getting weirder, It was V the one that unleashed the gas over the whole RFA. Including his most precious friend. A drug that btw~ it can and has killed people.

His birthday flower means Memories. And yes, Cheritz knows!!! Because they chose the pineapple for Harry and it's the tattoo he chose. I'll stop myself for now cause he's getting his post. But, it's for you to consider.

♡ MC (We as players and she as MC/puppet can alter time and travel through~)

*Note: Because we cannot be entirely sure, I'm gonna set in this post my doubts aside and say that Nameless/Unknown are different from the Angel. Why? It is confirmed by The Angel that he knows we travel through time & space and that we are basically "cheating" on the characters. so it might or not be aware of our status as spies. Another thing is that it is heavily implied The Angel does have a bit of a story with MC.

Talking from Unknown/Nameless, it's not entirely clear if they know of the time/space thing but it is clear they know about the "games"

Also, Zen has a bit of a story too, but it seems more grounded to reality and only able to travel through dreams. Unlike the others, the only time we see him knowing specifically about this "time/space" is in Epiphany.

So we could say the Wizard is the Angel? I seriously don't have things clear right now, but the more I play, the more information comes up. So I'll keep this updated.

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The Grinder~

Then there's a "grinder" so if we don't have enough emotions, then we can exchange batteries x emotions.

Emotions = Energy

Memories = Knowledge

Which makes me remember another thing~ emotions work as a payment for some images through The Ssum (See what I mean about memories and knowledge?) I can forget about this because I'm paying for the Aurora package so I don't have to worry about it but I don't think other people can do the same.

Now everything takes a different turn especially considering Epiphany (Zen, April Fool's DLC) and the whole idea that he's trapped inside the game~ it would make everything more powerful and shocking if he's trying to help us.

Another Note here: Honestly? I feel like Mewry planet it's similar to the grinder for batteries to turn into emotions. Battery helps you to achieve more memories in case you miss a chatroom. But in exchange you give your emotions? Through Mewry of course! And by giving your emotions you also give your wishes, to Crotune.

Crotune, if I'm following the idea here~ will take your memories away according to the way the contracts work, especially when we talk about the Wizard.

This? This is basically the way the wishes, the energy and the emotions work altogether. Now we have to understand how the other planets affect each other and what they supply too.

Ah because, there's a "Bored Dealer" wandering through. It always makes you to take an unfair deal. Don't forget the Karmic Law of Cause/Effect.

And because everything & everyone is connected (Law of interconnection and interdependence)~ the way we have to pay in Mystic Messenger is pretty similar.

Quoting myself: Characters give us emotions. Which are the currency of every game, to travel through time, space, planets and gather knowledge. Powers. Memories.

Those hourglasses? Most of them come from the exchange of the characters hearts (emotions) they give to you, as a way to pay for more chatrooms. More knowledge. To unlock memories or images. Calls. In Nameless? They give you fragments of a heart~

See the detachment here? It's kind of terrifying when you realize we're becoming like The Wizard. Playing games over and over. And suddenly the cruel answers started to make more sense. At some point we stop caring and we see the games as games when in reality, they're more~

What if the Wizard is another player? What if it's related to The Angel? (1004)

*Fun fact: Dandelion has a section very similar to this. But because I don't have enough space, I needed to put the image on the second post of Beyond the Planets.

And because of all this is now sort of cleared and we have a general idea of how the planets, the emotions and the energy work, now we need to tie it all together!

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The [Empty] Space is The Ssum of All

AKA. How the Cheritzverse works.

This is my own theory and way to arrange it all and it might change because I still need to finish Dandelion and watch what other people say about the Cheritzverse but for what I’ve been catching here and there, here’s what I think even if you don’t fully agree with me. So let’s start with the phrase of this title:

The empty space is the sum of all.

Something that @cherrychipheart kept mentioning all the time and that caused me to go through this it’s the “tiles”, or the “chess board” because it’s I believe it's not it’s not something that can be actually explained by itself. But when you put it together with other pieces it turns out that it makes sense?

You’ll see, when players enter The Ssum planets, they enter in middle of darkness or in middle of white spaces, it took me a while to process that these spaces are not really random but hold a lot of meaning to it. But I’m not gonna talk about it here in depth, if you wanna know more about each meaning please go to the planets section. You can also see these “tiles” in Mystic Messenger throughout each V.N. and chat rooms, and on Nameless, and Dandelion. So it’s not just The Ssum, and if we’re to talk about it, it’s not just some places. It’s with us, every time.

Anyways, both, blank and white canvas are difficult to screenshot and say “hey it’s part of the game!” but for those who are inside the game know that it’s part of the game.

Fun fact: V loves puzzles with blank canvas. Do you guys still think he’s not the wizard?

Now, considering the following notes in The Ssum (thank you @thessumbluebirdnotes ), along with the confirmation I received from @cherrychipheart (thank you too btw!! you’re a sweetheart.) that this does happens in Dandelion too, time travel is real in the Cheritzverse.

We can gather some things:

♡ The Time Machine is real [Notes on The Ssum, 28, 29, 30 & 31.]

♡ Time travel can create distortions. Data being lost. (Memories?)

♡ The [Empty] Space is The Ssum of All (I'll explain it later on~ first some concepts)

♡ In The Ssum, some planets allow you to see some kind of travel through stars, or space. Like they do in Star Trek. So, it's worth of notice, you might be actually traveling inside the Spaceship. (see gif for reference. I wish I could have taken a picture of this but at the time, I thought it was useless to prove anything, because it does not even have the mark on it. Like, there's no "created by Cheritz~" or anything. This is something you only know if you play The Ssum. But then several pictures started to drop during these weeks while playing The Ssum.)

♡ The Angel knows of this time travel and space travel. The Wizard knows. MC knows. Moreover, The Angel and The Wizard seem to be aware MC is just a puppet for the Player, means us.

Now let’s go into each topic.

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The Spaceship

*The spaceship does not always move forward... It orbits around :D

Ahh do you guys remember this? 😉

Some planets give you DARKNESS.

OTHERS give you LIGHT.

When you enter to them, but you cannot screenshot them unless the game bugs out. It's very fast. And now I think this could be a way to link it to what @cherrychipheart was thinking about for a lot longer than me so the credit goes to her here♡

That it's what they are: frequencies for you to travel. Even better? I found 707 was contacted by aliens. Yes, it's canon. And it's also canon that they decided to not go further. (I need to find the picture that confirms it because as always, when I saw it the first time, I didn’t pay attention or thought it had any kind of importance, but it is confirmed!)

Moreover… I mean, this is all me, but, I don’t think it’s that difficult to put two and two together:

They seem to communicate in binary.

That’s why he keeps finding information on them. And that’s also part of why the tiles have to be black and white. This brings me to the idea that this could not be an actual set of “tiles” but the keywords or binary codes for you to enter inside the spaceship, like~ if they are dark, they belong to a different dimension. And light would mean you can travel through time but not neccesarily through space. Or something like that. Maybe travel through ley lines?

To set an example, it’s clear that, for some reason, Harry and Teo are in an almost touching with us kind of reality, but at the same time, they are touching Mystic Messenger world, people like them and Zen might be in this In Between. Remember the Liminal Spaces I talked so much? Well, if you want to understand this better, The Lake House with Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock (2006) is a perfect example of how this would play.

People like Seven, June, Henri, Saeran, who are somewhat aware but perhaps not fully, they might be in The Otherworld, to put this in a way, a world that it’s similar to ours, but it’s not. That can be explained with movies like Stranger than Fiction (2006), W: Two Worlds (K-Drama), and Inkheart (2008) for example. That would also explain why some of the RFA guests are weird. Which, brings me to Dandelion, Grimm and Nameless… these, are in a totally different plane. To give a visual aid:

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Dandelion. The Ssum. Mystic Messenger.

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(Epiphany) Zen. Teo. Harry. Sometimes Mystic Messenger characters such as Jaehee, Seven. Elizabeth the 3rd.

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MC. The Wizard. The Angel.

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Our world: Players

*might not be accurate

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Ley lines as Liminal Spaces.

Ley lines are believed to be invisible energy paths that crisscross the Earth. They connect sacred sites, natural landmarks and ancient monuments. Most of the time are associated with paranormal phenomena and fae folk. Associated with cosmic energy or as pathways of communication to other dimensions.

Many people believe the intersection of ley lines can create particularly powerful liminal spaces (this has its own post) or portals/gateways as their nature is based on pure energy.

Also a lot of people believe this is the way fairies travel, because it allows them to do it so through time and space/dimensions. And in some novels, the fairies are not the only ones. Demons, witches/wizards and elves can do it too. There's also another creature who can do it too by the way, and it's The Unicorn.

And here is the thing, I'll touch it lightly here and more in depth in its own post, but The Unicorn it's a Liminal Creature.

So maybe along those lines~ MC is travelling. The method she uses remains a mystery but we are pretty much sure that Zen did called us fairies several times and fairies can use ley lines to travel. I'm rambling again but, it's not the only method. Actually... it might be a combination of methods(?)

However it’s a bit more complicated than that...

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The [Empty] Space

It seems fitting to say after all these posts that the doll room, the dandelion room. Eri's place when we first encounter in the game. The ocean and the carousel, all of them are liminal spaces. And a liminal space we know now, it's a bridge.

Most of the time it's empty because the purpose is not yet or has already been accomplished. And because of that they can be labeled as blank. Empty. There's a lot of them right? But what if I told you that the Empty Space is what holds everything together? I mean, it’s a bridge after all...

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Blackholes and Wormholes

One, two… ah two more topics before we finish, yes, because I need to explain where the idea of The [Empty] Space is The Ssum of All came from. So for this we need to add a concept to the mix too~

Let’s talk about Einstein-Rosen Bridges (also known as wormholes) which are nothing but theory, not yet proven but, it’s made from renowned names so it might add a bit of credibility to all this lol let’s start for the easy part, since they are bridges, you can consider them liminal spaces too. But since the characters inside the Cheritzverse are really obsessed with the universe and the stars, nothing works better than bringing a bit of astrophysics to the topic~ but first the disclaimer lol

Disclaimer: I’m not an expert on astrophysics lolol what it’s said here are only theories based on my poor knowledge so please keep in mind this only works because it’s fantasy and I’m gonna use Tolup energy and infinite potential to make sure it fits lololol jokes aside, I’m fully aware that wormholes have not yet been confirmed, as well as the risks to involve in astrophysics cause the level it’s not as simple as I’m gonna display it here so this explanation it has its limitations that might not even apply to black holes or wormholes, however, for the sake of this post, let’s continue, and don’t kill me cause this is gonna be a butchery lol because I know my limitations, I accept any corrections you offer BTW

"White puzzles... where did I leave it?" V, according to the random thoughts the spaceship caught upon.

It was @smol-grey-tea who pointed out how obsessed the characters inside the Cheritzverse are with the Universe. There are references to the stars, the sky, the clouds, the planets~

@smol-grey-tea (Thank you so much!!) says that Eri (Nameless) prays to the stars, while we saw during Another story and our beautiful @sapphireicecream made sure to draw the connection between the clouds, the sun, the stars and the moon that was already pointed out inside Mystic Messenger~ so when Rika, V's mom, and V itself talk about

The Sun is the Mother of All.

Does it sound similar with the title? It was totally on purpose but I'm still half-way :)

The Sun creates life, yet a black hole is essentially everything the Sun is not. A black hole is, but a star collapsing upon itself. A black hole is without spaces. Everything is compressed so tightly not even light can escape. And, our sun is dying, maybe not tomorrow but it’s not gonna live forever. So, while our Sun won’t become a black hole because it’s not heavy enough (it would need to be at least 20 times more massive according to NASA) you already have an idea on your mind, one of the biggest theories and discussions of the XX century and even of our current XXI century, is The Big Bang theory which emerged around 1920. Apparently Einstein initially was opposed to the idea. It was George Lemaitre who was named father of the Big Bang.

However to this day, it remains as a theory and nothing but such. Why? Because it requires of the existence of dark matter, which despite of many and huge experiments to find them, has never been observed in the laboratory. This in any case does not and should not interrupt our train of thoughts, because one thing that it is clear as water, is, if you allow me to give y’all a leap from astrophysics to the physic realm, that energy cannot be created or destroyed. It can only be changed one form to another (Laws of energy) And in our current world we can see how death creates life. How bacteria being as the single smallest part of life-single celled organisms can and will feed on us, dead or alive. And while we’re at it, something else happens, fungi protect bacteria from toxic molecules in exchange for food and shelter.

Fungi, bacteria, and protists use asexual reproduction methods to reproduce and ensure the continuity of their species. The methods include binary fission, budding, and spores.

And how does this relates to the Sun, the stars, supernovas and black holes? Well, As above, so below. It is very curious how many people talk about The Kybalion and Hermetic philosophy yet no one ever repairs to mention that such things were not new but taken from Buddhism along other concepts that have never been fully translated but always thwarted for their own benefit. Always doubt translations and books that pretend to sell you things as new, please. It’s not that it is bad, but it’s worse if you do not take your studies seriously. Anyways, many of the Kybalion/hermetic principles have already been discussed here in this blog under the category of karmic laws. I will not discourage but quite the contrary, encourage you to read The Kybalion too, I merely want y’all to remember that several other societies have already been there too.

As my mom tends to say lately, don’t be so entitled to think you and only you know about it. ¯\(°_°)/¯

Anyways, back to the topic, since one of the principles of the Kybalion talks about how everything is mobile. Nothing is static. Even the spirit, matter, the mind, are nothing but the result of different vibration states. Even when it seems that it does not moves, in fact, it does. Vibration of spirit is set in an infinite intensity. So high it might seem that it does not moves, in the other extreme, matter with a weak vibration, so it seems to be without movement. For Tao the concept would be called qi, prana in hinduism.

Some of these, might seem as fixed points, like a hub of a Ferris wheel, that are best if we leave them undisturbed, however in a paradox of our cosmic cycle, just as death creates life, and a black hole usually is considered as a symbol of destruction, that is very much necessary for transformation, so as the end of one’s existence, can be the beginning of another. There are other ways, that diverge from the traditional paths.

And that is where we go back to relativity.

Naming it as “vibrations” and establishing those as movement. And frequencies as velocity of such movement. In this universe, emotions are used as a currency of exchange to transform temporary realities from the Planets. Emotions are pure energy.

Motion = Movement

We previously said the power of a name was too strong to be ignored, because it changed and altered your persona, or could even chain you, and bound you for life. What we never delved into was the power of words. It’s often said that words are powerful weapons yet we never understand the extend of it. Words create mental images, mental images can and often will act as liminal spaces, through which they create a concept, to chain, to bound, change, and even destroy oneself.

There’s a saying that goes:

“You cannot talk about what it does not have a name attached to it. What has no name, does not exist. Things, only exist until they are named.”

Yes, with that I can easily tie it to Nameless. But also, to wishes. Since by definition, a wish has words attached to it. And…

A wish is the definition of a purpose. To set one. In which case emotions are the origin, the process and the result. To set a purpose you need to define the emptiness that you want to fill. Where emotions are involved that might constitute emotional black holes, blank spaces, or empty rooms, bridges and all matter.

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The Cheritzverse: The place where wishes are brought to you and the relativity is set as default

We need to accept the intangibility of some things, specifically when we talk about the game. It requires a leap of faith or… suspension of disbelief if you must. Things that have been somewhat forgotten but that inside the Cheritzverse are important to make things work, so because inside The Cheritzverse, Einstein theories are alive and active. Things as relativity theory. Black holes, wormholes, and even the time works different here. Time would probably work as a 4th dimension and travel speed distance is reduced to zero when such velocity tends to the infinite. Of course that is only possible in a universe where the quantic number is set as a variable that allows you to be in two places at the same time, which is precisely what ley lines allow you to. Since ley lines are also pure energy.

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The Reason Behind Lost Memories.

Losing memories is due to the process of traveling, because the realities are constantly changing, the only reality is right now. Since our perception changes, constantly. We need to cleanse our souls (Min Eye, Momint, Nameless) to properly transform future realities, since we also need to use our emotions as currency, even if we don’t travel through time or space.

And since realities are relative, magic it’s a possibility that threatens to destroy our reasoning: Momint (Planet)

In that sense, we as players, might be able to travel to their world, if we, like Dr Cus, (whom apparently was kidnapped, according to Henri’s Route, Day 23, Bedtime.) or Seven, come up with a machine, or find the right portal (through an Einstein-Rosen bridge for example, or a ley line.) something that allows us to crisscross realities, and go from their reality being a game in ours, to an actual reality.

The Ssum, Mystic Messenger, Nameless, Dandelion, all of them, work as games for us only because of our perspective as innocent players. However, the more you delve into the theories and find the connections, the more you find what your role is about: A gamer, a mystic messenger spying between worlds, betraying the love of your life without knowing, because someone set you up to this game.

And that's how, The Sum of all The Empty Spaces equals to a black hole.

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The Cheritzverse Society

Grimm Society & probably several planets from The Ssum.

Now let's explain the last thing: The Society

A capitalistic society that runs on fear and preys on the weak to create emotions and wishes the Wizards and other magicians can use as fuel.

We don’t know the extent of how ruthless it can be but considering Dandelion and its flashbacks, we know that it might be similar to City of Free Men, which locates inside Freedom Planet, we know there’s a society, but we don’t know if this is a town, a city or a village, although for what they let us know, they do have cameras. And a royal family. If we try to think through it it would set them in 1800’s or 1900’s timewise speaking. Considering the several references that are to the fairytales, the Wizards, and even the mention of Grimm, we can set it in a place similar to England or Scotland. Although Europe works for wide range, considering the Grimm Brothers used to travel a lot throughout Europe to write the stories they were told from others, town to town.

♡ At some point it occurred to me, that these people might be asking constantly to The Wizards for stuff, and to make it run smoothly (see Momint as Planet) they set the Unicorn as a victim. However it’s not the only victim here (see pets, see Dandelion) so because the society runs on fear and preys on the weak to create emotions and wishes, I believe the system they designed was such to feed on it. Literally. They feed on Desperate Wishes.

♡ Sorcerers from Grimm and the Wizard are the only ones able to use Magic. Credit goes to @smol-grey-tea

♡ MC is a witch and a spy. Because she’s able to travel (the player “buys” [through] time at will, so things like “Reset Theory”; hourglasses, it’s needed to proceed. And even the bird in The Ssum says it so: “You cannot disturb time when ______ is present.” so you have an MC being the puppet (see Nameless) and a messenger. A mystic messenger. That travels through time and space and dimensions to give emotions to others in power.

♡ The unicorn that is being exploited, creating drugs is just one of the many works the poor unicorn is forced to do. And so are the bunnies (see Dandelion) and the rest of the pets.

♡ A Wizard feeding from Desperate Wishes. Wether it’s him or it’s his magic, that’s something we shall set for another post, or maybe someone else wants to take it from here?

♡ Crotune is the planet to make “Desperate Wishes”

♡ The whole system in The Ssum is based on a Bird (PIUPIU) and a Unicorn, feeding and releasing emotions to the Planets. Through us, players.

So, a little pause… can I talk about Monsters Inc here? Cause I think it can be a perfect example on how to use Emotions as fuel to create a Society.

While Monsters Inc base is “fear” and lately in its story changes to “happiness”; if my theory is correct, The Cheritzverse uses every emotion to fuel itself through the Grinder. The Grinder would represent the only thing that can actually [[process]] everything and transform it into whatever they feel like. That’s why I believe the Grinder would represent “yearn”

1 : to 10 emotions

Now we have our coin inside The Ssum. Our coin in Mystic Messenger seems to follow a similar pattern.

100 hearts : 1 hourglass

Does the conversion changes because of the time/space? Who knows?

But the Unicorn is a slave, PIU-PIU feeds on it, and we are the messenger between planets and dimensions.

Yes. This is not exactly a light topic. Cheritz is not new when it talks about being exploited. See Jaehee, Saeran and Saeyoung. I'm guessing this was done in a subtle manner but also not... since the payment/subscription method is also something many players complained about lol

Is Mint Eye related to this? Much possible since the first idea was ~ to create a paradise for the weak to survive.

The Sun is the mother of us all. But the Sun burns everything too. Rika tried to tell us that. And I’m not saying that she’s right and we need to drug people or brainwash them either. Please LOL she was sick. V made sure of it (?)

This would also explain why some guests are really weird. They're not from this planet, some might belong to a different timeline, dimension or straight up another planet. But one thing that they all have in common it's that they were in the RFA and that Mint Eye wanted the guest list. Is this a coincidence? I don't think so.

But to each their own. Here I drop my pen. From now on there's no more theories, only information to add, and analysis to make. Feel free to do as you please with all this. Thanks.

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Final Notes:

I call this my most cursed post so far~

See~ I created this several weeks ago but my internet and tumblr decided to play it on me several times so I ended up losing this post like five times as a draft before being able to post it in private and work with it from there so the original date it's today~ as in the reblogging date working as original posted date lol

Like, I have been trying for at least one month (Originally posted on September 20 in private after Tumblr decided to eliminate it completely from my drafts for the 5th? 7th? time in a row.

I have struggled with it a LOT: from power outages, scorpion attacks, my migraines~ my eyes, my keyboard not working, my pc not working, my phone not working. Somehow my phone decided to torture me while I was writing this but never outside of Tumblr~ it gives you something to think because my phone right now? it's working perfectly fine lol and... anyways~ lots of other stuff happening around. Even my brother moved out during this last weekend *sighs* and I already miss him. With so many things happening to me I seriously thought I had the AO3 curse lolololol

I am so glad to finally finish it I can't even express how much. I dedicated a lot of time to this one. Though I tried my best to avoid grammar errors and mistypes I'm sure there must be a couple. I'll go back to it when I'm fresh and well-rested. Hope at least my theory it's useful in some way. I don't think I want to do this anytime soon again lol

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Credits to:

@thessumbluebirdnotes

@cherrychipheart

@smol-grey-tea

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Links:

♡ Blue Bird Notes on Dr Cus Monsieur

♡ The Ssum Wiki

♡ The Angel Knows~

[wachtelspinat]

Heya~

I often find it very difficult to find the right words, so I apologize in advance if any of what I have to say sounds dry or wrong, but I write it from the heart, I promise🧡

I know how you feel now and how much you get lost when that realization comes along. I learn art all my life, but I don’t succeed anywhere. No matter how long I try to do it, I still keep thinking “well I’m not good enough”. To be honest it scares the shit out of me every day, because if I’ll give up here… well there’s nothing I can do for life than. When I was in school, I was desperately clung to every fandom I had as my last hope to get rid of bad thoughts and I found those two silly characters that stole my heart immediately so of course it’s weird to say but since then Overwatch has become my “home”. It was not the perfect game but it was fun until Ow2 was released. Even if my love for OW is died, I understood that Junkrat and Roadhog took a much more bigger part in my live that I could ever imagine. I thought it was stupid, like come on that’s just a characters from the old and dead game but it turns out they’re not just characters, but in a way, my family or friends that helped me go through a lot of dark times, so it’s okey to love them deeply even if they are not real~

I always wondered, why do I make art? Is it what I really like and enjoy? Is it cost all the struggles and tears? But I found you and I fall in love with your arts immediately. I could have a really bad day in university but then I remember how I just go to your page to rewatch, for only gods knows how many times, your works. I love everything about them, how you can build a perfect shape with just one line, how many expressions and ideas your works have. Your knowledge of the anatomy is just… freaking olympic🤌🏻✨ you gave me the second breath in my path of an artist because looking at your works I was wondering if I ever be able to achieve such a high level and here I’m speaking not only about arts with Junkrat and Roadhog, I speak about every single one that I could find🧡 and I understood that art in general have much much more power in it that anyone thinks. It gives hope, inspiration, safety, emotions and so on~ even without knowing it, you can make another person’s life a little better.

All I wanted to say is - you are a fantastic person, highly talented and hard working. I’m sure everyone who follows your work will support every of your decision. I just wanted to say a big thank you from myself personally for everything you do🧡

hey ! i'm really sorry that it took me so long to respond, last week was just hell on earth. the sheer amount of words you put into this hit me right in the heart, and what you said made me tear up even more.

having a really hard time here to form my words, not only because my brain feels so fried, but because your ask is so sincere and i don't think i can possibly thank you enough. it's so weird, there is this constant battle in my head that everything is futile and trivial and i'm having a hard time seeing some kind of point behind my actions (not only art related). on the other hand, i know that WE give meaning to something. that it's the small things that tends to move mountains. i don't know if i'm making any sense here. point is. by telling me that - in my opinion - my irrelevant art has given you sth, if it's just a smile, new energy to try sth yourself, inspiration... you are shaking my world. and i'm grateful for that in a way i cannot describe.

and seriously, i don't know why we make art. because as you mentioned yourself it is always connected with doubts and despair. before i entered graphic design school back when i was super young i thought drawing was me. the one integral part that made me so ~special~. just to learn that a bunch of people draw, all around the world, and they often draw even better than i could ever achieve! in the last months of being in university i relied a lot on defining myself through my art again. because it immensely helped with my self-concept when everything around me just felt like i wasn't good enough. i'm kind of re-learning again that doing art is not the one thing that defines me. because i tend to heavily lean into that. it is after all the one thing i actually like about myself.

so yeah, thank you so much for reaching out. i love your art and the love you put into it, so i'm hoping that - despite the struggles we all share while being creative - you continue to draw, as so will i <3

(and junkrat and roadhog, man... yeah they're not just characters, they stopped being just characters from a game a long time ago for me. i know i'm a broken record at this point BUT their codependency and independency, the balance between grit and gross and sweet and off-kilter, sweat, tears, blood and some ice-cream on the side, begrudging and thankful - it seems stupid to me too because i know most people just see these comic relief mad max rip-offs but every time i think about their dynamics and some of the stories i've read in fan works it grips my heart and i think "holy shit i love them so. much." - i'm still not done drawing them by a long shot i think, it just feels like i've reached a dead end of some kind? because with little time at hand and even less energy left i struggle to form my thoughts into drawings. but i'm working on that. i'm working on doing some kind of tribute, like a zine with my art from 2016 up to today and some more stuff i've yet to draw (had this idea since 2022 and i've just recently learned SO MUCH about zine making and printing and i finally started putting the first files together). because that feels right, like a proper "here look at this i hope this explains why i love them so much")

[the-remaining-half]

I think I have finally slowly internalised the fact that motivation is a feeling, an emotion just like any other. It comes and goes as it please.

And well my study schedule cannot change to adjust to my bouts of motivation.

The key for me, I realised, was discipline.

Yes it’s hard and sucky and I hate it. But I do it anyway. Because if I don’t, the regret that I feel later on makes me hate myself. And I fear that regret so much.

So for me its a choice - I can either suffer the pain of discipline or I can suffer the pain of regret. And if I’m going to be in pain anyway, why the heck should I not gain something out of it?

So I sit down to study.

Sure I also add things that will make it easy for me to do that. Because I, I love studying. Once I start, I really really enjoy the subjects I have chosen and the concepts I understand. I love learning.

But for me the really hard part is sitting down to study. So I work on that…

1. I just sit down. On time. With a schedule that I follow everyday so that I exert less mental strength trying to convince myself. I just know its time for me to study if I follow my schedule.

2. I am all about the little things, all about feeling good and in control. So I do that. I make a big and aesthetic affair out of sitting down to study. I prepare myself a snack and get myself something to drink and set my study area and books - I create a visual setup that appeals to me and makes me want to study.

3. I limit how many times I get up. I know people say that our attention span is short and we should use the pomodoro technique, but personally speaking it just does not work for me. I find it hard to get in the study zone but really easy to stay once I am there and concentrating and so taking many breaks actually really distracts me and take me out of my study zone. So I take less breaks and I make sure I already have everything I need with me before I sit down to study so that I do not have to get up.

4. I make the process fun for me. I know my way of studying, my strengths and my weaknesses. So I use them to my advantage. I am a very conceptual learner, I am a visual learner, I am prefer to write things down to slow myself and understand, I prefer my study material in my own language and my own way of explaining, I am a very organised person. I am very bad at memorising random facts that have no logic. So I incorporate all these in my notes - I make my notes very organised and aesthetic notes that help me memorise. I add diagrams and flowcharts of my own explanations. I use mnemonics that relate to me and are easy for me to remember (they are usually jokes that make people thing I have a very broken sense of humour).

5. I do not study in groups. I know again this is very controversial specially for med school but when I am understanding a new topic, I find the presence of people around me very distracting. I prefer to study in my room by myself. On the other hand, once I have studied the topic, I benefit from group discussions. I sit down with my friends and make them understand the topic… this helps them and it helps me. Teaching someone else is a very good way of revising for me and their questions make me think and understand parts I may have missed while studying.

6. I plan what I am going to study the next day, the might before. I put my pen on the first page of the topic or chapter or whatever and shut the book. This way I know I simply have to open my book and get down to study because everything else has been done before. It’s almost like I get rid of my possible excuses before hand. I decrease the resistance.

I feel sitting down and understanding your way of studying is important for this very reason. So that you can make your plan and study accordingly. It decreases so much resistance and makes you so sure of your ways.

It makes me enjoy studying and study better all the way!

[greenbirdtrash]

venting again.

[TW: SA MENTION, GROOMING, OVERALL DISCUSSION OF 18+ TOPICS]

Things are...not going exactly okay this evening. I'm being thrown back and spiralling a lot again, and it's not something i usually talk about, especially here.

I haven't even realised until now how much a certain thing can affect my entire life or haunt me for years after it happened. For years i tried to shove it so deep as i could, hoping i will eventually forget about it and pretend to live a life. A normal life.

But it keeps haunting me, and now, as an adult, i suddenly found myself in so many snares closing up at once and i realised they just...always been here. Kinda. I never got out of them since it happened. I got used to them, ignored them, but they're still here, tugging at my skin and hair. They didn't go anywhere. They never did.

I really just want to scratch at my walls and howl for it to leave me alone.

I did nothing to deserve that. I never wanted that to happen and didn't even think it could happen to me. Community that took me in never was a safe space for a minor. And it's still not. I didn't had any friends or other examples of how human communication and building healthy connections should work in a normal spaces, i only got one view on the situation in my most important years of socialization and it broke me to pieces. I still don't really know what i am or...what i want.

It took them years of gaslighting and clever manipulations to make me believe i wasn't good for anything, really. That i wasn't valuable as a person, that i don't look attractive comparing to what i now know as unhealthy and unrealistic beauty standards, that none of my feelings matter. As one of them used to say, "A woman without a partner in this fandom is like a piece of steak everyone else wants to sink their teeth in". And the irony is.. At some point after all the stuff they said i did believe i was that piece of meat. It never felt right or anything, i didn't enjoy any of that, and yet i couldn't leave that company or put my feelings into words.

It took them years to break me into a complete repulsion to intimacy and sex-related things. Whatever was happening, i just accepted it as something that had to be done. That i just need to lay down and pretend like I'm having fun for a bit and then everything will be alright again, because that's what i learned to do to fit in. It was just another routine i had to adapt.

It wasn't alright. It never was, honestly.

At some point, i mastered all my courage to leave and seek professional help. It was nothing like i imagined it to be. My life didn't actually shatter, but it sure felt like it. It was a long way of recovery and getting therapy, a proper diagnosis, getting to meet and trust new people again, trying to get rid of all the harmful things, all the self-hatred that was put in my head. At some point, I've met new wonderful people and even found a loved one, and this way i learned that actual friendships and relationships are just... something completely else. I felt like i was robbed of that, yet i continued to work on fixing myself. The thing is, it's not exactly a linear process, as you probably know. And as i worked on some things, i kinda ignored and forgot other parts of my experience, thinking it would somehow heal on its own and pretending it would be okay the next time I'll have to face it because it'll be under my control and with someone i trust. After all, this whole time i was leaning more to the thought that I belong somewhere on the asexual spectrum, and i still think i do, but i never actually thought about how trauma can affect certain aspects.

Surprise! Years of grooming and the SA made me hate myself so much i got used to denying myself basic pleasure and the fun i could've had with exploring the things i like. And whenever i try to indulge or participate in something, it usually hits me with guilt and disgust to myself like a fucking truck afterwards. Who could've thought. /sarc

Who knows, maybe my gender identity was also affected by that, and now it is what it is. At least i feel comfortable with my current gender situation...well, most of the times.

I just...i don't really know where to go from that. I always projected some deep feelings onto my personal art and it did help me with acceptance of most things suggestive, kinky or sexual, i did talk with some of my closest friends about sexuality and different experiences, but i don't feel like i could talk with my current therapist about it. I just..i kinda envy all the positive, open-minded and sex-favourable people I've met (also the people I've befriended on here, ever since i joined you i've noticed how the ghost fandom in general is very supportive, open and accepting to all kind of things, kinks and people, i never felt so comfortable in a fandom before and it did affect me in a good way, i think, at least it made me explore and project my own feelings about certain things a bit), i really want to have what they have, i want to have my own fun and do things i like without that trauma haunting me and making me hate myself for being...uhh..human? Is that what it is, now?

I just feel like I've caught myself in a loop.

[carmenthabaddie]

Move in silence 🤫

2024 I’m moving in silence period. Too many losers and leeches who won’t do the work and hate on your success. I recently had job interview and didn’t tell everyone. I won’t know if I got the job till Tuesday or Wednesday.

People tell they plans cause they seek validation and approval from others. At 31 I don’t need people validation or approval. What people don’t know they can’t destroy. I had so many women hating on me cause I refuse to be mediocre. I hold myself accountable and dont point finger or blame others for shit I should be doing.

Some people addicted to they bad habits and bare minimum. At 31 I realized I needed go harder and less excuses. And I’m blossoming into a baddie. I dont care to know what others doing cause I’m to busy worrying about myself. Stop telling your business and ruining your life cause you are naïve about how most people think. Majority of people are losers. Only 1 % of people are winners.

People you call friends should have goals and productive and letting go bad habits, and holding themselves accountable and showing action and not just words. Who don’t gossip about people cause they too busy improving their lives. Who gives you what you give them. Who never drains you and doesn’t play the blame game. I agree and believe you are who you hang out with seriously. Stop hanging and associating with women who are losers and accepts bare minimum and low maintenance and don’t take accountability for themselves and low standards. She will hate on you and backstab you.

2024 I’m focused on myself and my goals. And learning consistency, discipline, dedication, commitment, and determination. I will be having success stories left to right. Most will not know my blessings cause I don’t believe in bragging and most will hate your success. If you gone tell make sure you accomplish the goal first and then tell. But never tell when you are planning and working for the goal. Cause once you accomplish a goal and they hate thei can’t do shit cause you already accomplished the goal.

I will be doing a video on this for my YouTube channel and explaining this with words from spirit and ancestors. 2024 my year. I refuse to be who I was in 2023. Im so happy since 18 I been in therapy and focus on improving myself. It’s been years and I’m finally reaping the benefits of therapy at 31. More black women should go to therapy and heal and do better.

Spirit and ancestors is all I need. I can do bad all by myself I don’t need another human being approval or validation period. Im too much of a bad bitch to care about others approval and validation. I hold and have the key to success and truth is some people can’t go to the promised land with you. We would accomplish more if we got rid of people who are dead weight. I know my worth and is a beautiful and intelligent and hardworking and well put together bad bitch. And stand out and rather hang by myself then fake people.

Got my 3 new wigs. Will try do quick review. Got Chinese food today. And worked out twice today. And did good at job interview. And busy working on my goals everyday. My goal is week of intermittent fasting 16:8. And gym once this week. Really need be stricter and actually go gym and interment fast 16:8. If I have more updates I all update y’all. The glow up level of journey isn’t for faint of heart. 💖💖😍😍😍

[bbcphile]

Ohhhhhh (AKA. Happy Anniversary to Me: Escape from the Mold House Edition)

The last week has been A Struggle and while there has definitely been plenty of Bad Shit going on (bad medical news about a friend, having a retraumatizing medical experience, some rough anniversaries of other things that brought up trauma memories, and learning that my gallbladder is very likely a ticking time bomb and btw, everyone please cross your fingers it doesn't rupture and go septic?), it didn't feel like it was quite at the level of Bad Enough (by my incredibly warped standards from too many decades of trauma) to warrant how much of a tailspin I was in.

Well. Now I have figured out the missing piece and am feeling SO MUCH BETTER.

But holy shit, the expression "The body keeps score" is so damn accurate, because of course my body was freaking the fuck out about a very traumatic anniversary that I had conveniently temporarily blocked out even though it was only two years ago (oh dissociative disorders).

To learn about the "My Apartment Almost Killed Me" Saga, keep reading below.

Soooo, here's the backstory: in May of 2022, my health, which had been rapidly tanking over the previous 9 months, took a dramatic nose dive. I was either sleeping or nearly passed out most of the time and couldn't walk across the living room without basically keeling over face first onto the ground because my muscles would go on strike, and then I would have to lie there, unable to move, until @sufficientlylargen could literally pick me up off the ground and put me on the sofa, because the muscle weakness was so bad I couldn't even lift my head or push myself up to my elbows. I had also been in and out of the ER with stroke-like symptoms, but none of the members of my medical team could figure out what was wrong. It was terrifying.

Until one day, at the very end of May, I realized I had been walking without falling over at PT and then stopped being able to walk as soon as I walked into our apartment. I repeated the experiment a few times, and realized that yep, there was definitely something in the apartment that was mostly responsible for whatever the hell was happening. We packed a bag for me and found a friend who let me crash at their place for a week while we hired an air quality expert to come and test our place. It turns out that we had 2 feet of stachybotrys mold growing up the walls of our basement, and the combination of neurotoxins from the stachybotrys plus my MCAS was literally poisoning and killing me. Over the next few weeks, we got rid of 85% of our belongings (including several hundred books, all our clothes, some of my favorite xmas ornaments growing up, which were just about the only happy things about my childhood, and most of our furniture) because we couldn't clean them enough to keep me from keeling over when I was exposed to them, packed everything else (on the porch--because I couldn't go inside--after soaking it all in ammonia so we wouldn't bring any spores into our new place), and simultaneously house and apartment hunted to try to find a place we could move into ASAP because I was supposed to be having neurosurgery in over a month and needed a place to recuperate, and every minute we delayed was a risk I'd permanently lose function due to nerve/brain/spinal column damage. (Things were made more difficult by the fact that there was a non-zero chance I could be paralyzed by the surgery so we needed to find an apartment that didn't have stairs in case I couldn't walk.) There was other drama during this time, too (eg. my new neurologist, who I had been waiting 9 months to see, closed her practice the day before my appointment with her without making any referrals, my new PCP accused me of drug-seeking when I was trying to make pain management plans for after my surgery, etc. etc.), which didn't help. But at least, within 2 weeks of moving out of the Mold House, as we'd dubbed it, I started being able to walk more than a few blocks and to even just think about writing again (and, ya know, also regularly speak complete sentences, since sometimes the neurotoxins had taken that, too), so we knew that we'd made the right decision.

Anyway, the good news is, we found a place and moved in on July 6th, so we only had to spend a month and a bit living in friends' guest rooms, hotels, and airbnbs with our two cats (one of whom developed a UTI and ear infection from the stress and mold, so we were also medicating her), and we were able to postpone my neurosurgery until February, and the neurosurgery was a success, which is why I'm alive and able to do things like write meta and fic again!

All this to say, I hadn't realized until I saw a thing about it on FB Memories (lol) that it had been 2 years since my apartment was literally killing me and I was abjectly terrified. And it never fails to amaze me that my body (and some parts of my mind) clearly remember anniversaries like that even if I don't, because my anxiety will be through the roof and I will be having more flashbacks about Unrelated Trauma Things and just generally feeling like my resilience is at about half its normal level. My working theory is that those aspects that remember the anniversary assume it's happening again and I never got out (oh emotional flashbacks. How I hate you.), and it's only once I make the connection consciously and can reflect on 1. how terrible it was (yay validation?) and 2. the fact that it's over and I survived through sheer stubbornness and good research skills (again) that I can get back to my baseline and things (like writing) become so much more fun and easier.

Last reflection on this shitshow: last year, I was too busy recovering from my neurosurgery to notice what I was feeling about the 1 year anniversary of the Escape From The Mold House (or at least, if I had any reflections on it, I don't remember them), but I'd guess it was probably still too upsetting and traumatizing for me to be ready to look at the memories directly. But right now, at least, I'm really proud of myself. I mean, all of that was horrifying and traumatizing, and I wouldn't wish it on ANYONE, but I'm really proud of myself for saying 'fuck this, something is wrong, and I think I know what, and I am going to solve it because I can, and I refuse to die like this.' I sometimes forget that under all the anxiety and trauma and insecurity, I am fundamentally incredibly stubborn, determined, confident in my opinions, and willing to fight for myself.

I'm hoping I can hold onto that reminder as I go forward, especially depending on what I learn about whether my gallbladder is in fact a ticking time bomb. I can and will argue with my doctors to take this seriously if I have to; I just don't want to need to.

[buried-in-autumn-leaves]

I actually sat down and made a better intro for my Tamarack Route OC, be prepared for the essay <3

Meet Freya !

She uses He/Him in Step One because she didn't understand the link between pronouns and gender at first ? Like she was a girl and she would say that but she just thought people used He/Him for her and that was that, she couldn't do anything about it. Once she learned otherwise, she started using She/Her. Freya was also just a nickname in Step One until she realised that could just be her actual name, so in Steps Two through Four her nickname is just Rey.

She's Autistic and has Selective Mutism. She's only really able to speak around a few people- Opal and Tamarack mainly, though she gets close enough to Qiu a few months after meeting them. She signs, and she (at Tamma's request, of course) teaches Tamarack how to so they can talk even when Freya isn't able to speak. School leaves her nonverbal until 10th grade, but Tamarack is more than willing to speak for her when she needs to.

Her eyes are dark blue, and her hair is closer to yellow than blonde. She wears big circular glasses, and she keeps her hair long enough to hide as much of her face as possible. She's a very shy and agreeable girl most of the time, but she'll stand up for her own wants if she's able to effectively communicate. She avoids other kids most of the time, not sure how she would even interact with them. Instead, she throws herself into books. Sometimes her attempts at finding somewhere secluded to read by herself got her hurt, and she has a fair amount of scars to prove it; One can only fall out of so many trees before the trees start fighting back.

In Step One she's given constants- Something to give her hope that maybe staying in one place for so long won't be so bad. Tamarack is her favourite person. She's had a crush on her from the beginning, how could she not be ? It was just like the books she'd read, Tamarack was new and just like her and she didn't seem to mind that Freya was quiet and hard to understand. Qiu scares her a bit at first. They're confident in a way that makes her worried she won't be interesting enough to keep around, but she figures out pretty quick they're not like that. The two are probably much closer friends from Qiu's perspective- Freya has trouble believing she's anywhere near as interesting to hang out with as Qiu's other friends.

She gets really attached to Qiu and Tamarack and the dynamic they had as a group when they were children, so Step Two for her is when she works to accept the fact that she can't make everyone's lives perfect. She can't fix Qiu's problems or rid Tamma of her insecurities, no matter how much she wants to believe she can. She's a writer, along with just a general lover of stories, so being faced with something that doesn't have a happy ending stresses her out.

I'm gonna cut myself off here because I've been typing for like 10 minutes but yeah- Freya is my most fleshed-out OC after Aurora, so expect random out of context posts about her.

[an-obsessed-cactus]

Ello ello ello!

honestly not sure yet what this page will be about(i do know i just don't want to admit to myself it'll be a random stream of consciousness à la James Joyce) but i thought I'd make a kind of introductory post about myself at least so here goes.(fandoms are listed at the bottom cuz at the heart of it tumblr is a place for obsessed freaks like myself). also I'm new to tumblr so its ways and etiquette are still unknown to me. but i will learn promise. anyway.

Name's Dorian/Bree(still deciding so take your pick and I'll see what sticks). I'm omnisexual aroace(went down the traditional pipeline surprise surprise) and go by she/her tho atm whole gender identity is kind of a mystery to me so that could change. edit: trying they/them rn to see how it feels

I'm finishing high school this year so my life'll be a bit hectic for a while(was for the last 4 years tbh). Cause I'm interested in one thing too many and can't make decisions to save my life and also cause I'm an anxious mess who can't relax, I'm taking a gap year. I'm planning on getting some rest to get back what remains of my mental health (which sadly ain't much but such is life). I'm gonna go travelling around a bit(rn pretty sure about Norway, UK, France & myb Japan) and honestly if I make any friends on here it'd be sick if someone joined me so that's always open.

Then next year, when I finish my soulsearching, I'll prolly go study sth cuz that's how the world works. I'd love to be either a writer or film director (or myb a therapist). My dream is to study film in UK(as a career writing and filmmaking is pretty much a tie, but filmmaking sounds just a tiny smidge more stable. Not giving up on writing in the least, but I feel like studying is more necessary for film than writing?) I love watching series and films not only because of the story, but because of the way it's told. I love to overanalyze the storytelling, the characters and different dynamics between them(and honestly just everything about the film) or read others' post overanalyzing it, so a film/series(does that exist?) critic sounds like an awesome job as well. But I'd like to be in the middle of the making and tell my own stories. Cinema's a bit sad in my country (non-existent more like) so studying abroad sounds like the only real option if I wanna make it in the industry. It's also an opportunity to meet more people interested in the stuff that I am so hopefully it works out. Fingers crossed 🤞🤞

Obviously, if one's obsessed with cinema, you can hardly avoid falling down the rabbit hole that are the fandoms. I'm currently fixated on Good Omens and would love to find some humans I can discuss it with cuz my irl friends(tho I love them with all my heart) just don't go temporary insane over fandoms the way I do.

I get random moments of revelation about other fandoms as well, so here's a list:

Good Omens

MCU(pls no spoilers post Wakanda Forever. I'm kinda runnin a bit late but I'll catch up I promise)

Sherlock

ATLA

MLB

Star Trek

TOH

Lucifer

Megamind

Umbrella Academy

BBC Merlin

Hannibal

Stranger things

Witcher

TVD(was my first real fandom so it still persists even tho I'm not really into it much anymore)

myb some more that I forgot

I'll prolly be adding stuff here as I figure out what I wanna talk about, but one of the things I'm working on is getting rid of perfectionism so this is it for now. I tried to keep it brief but that obviously hadn't worked out lmao. Could be worse(much, much worse)

[b-lessings]

We’ve been mutuals for a long time so I remember your occasional mentions about therapy and healing, which actually played a role in prompting me to try and understand my own trauma I was in denial of for a very long time and starting my journey towards getting better I guess. I’m still really struggling with my anxiety, have been for a really long time, sometimes the triggers are too overwhelming and feels like therapy and trauma work only make me understand enough to want to run away again, due to how much my body reacts in social settings, or at the thought of how out of control everything is in my brain. Can I ask, perhaps in vague terms, what was your journey like in the beginning? Does the anxiety ever start to lessen in intensity? Do you ever get to the point where you can process your trauma enough to finally face the reality of it’s remnants in people and places? How long does it take till you begin to seek happiness instead of the vicious internal destruction? How (if at all) does the dynamics of your healing journey change when you let another person you love into your life?

By the end of (reading) this ask I was like ouuff 😮‍💨 that's heavy😅

Salam my dear, I appreciate you sending this ask, I see your courage and your will to get better and get a bit of control over your life, and that's only a sign of strength and bravery, I am proud of you 🤍

Now, I am not sure if I am gonna answer all your points or get carried away by my own thoughts but let me give it a try.

First of all, from personal experience (obviously all my answers will be based on that) I don't think anxiety is something we can totally heal from or get rid of, it is not a feature we can deactivate, and do not take this the wrong way, I will explain later, but with therapy we learn to cope with our anxiety, we learn to make peace with it, and live with it in the most cooperative non-impeding ways.

One of the most memorable sayings that my therapist told me so early on in my journey is that her and my anxiety are both trying to do the same thing: protect me, they are not working against each other, they would actually work together (if my anxiety wouldn't be so stubborn lol).

Anxiety is in simple terms or at a very primal level a reaction to a trigger, you brain detects something that it deems wrong or dangerous and it alerts your body - there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, as human beings we relied on that trigger-response for God knows how many thousands of years to survive and get to this point in history. But then anxiety is perceived as a problem once it becomes a disability, in the sense that it would prevent the person from going on about their day normally.

Now what happened is that I lived like 27 or 28 years of my life not even realizing I had anxiety. I would hear people talk about it all the time and it never clicked, for me not even once that hey that's what I have! Until my therapist said the word. And I was like " anxiety? Me? Noway! I am an extrovert, I have a lot of friends, I am not scared of crowds, I love trying new things and living new experiences blah blah blah" but I had no idea that I had actually been repressing it all in for all those years.

So after the acceptance, the second phase was that anxiety took over my life! I had become fully afraid of everything and I just retrieved to myself. Everything was emphasized. I sorta kinda cut off people and stopped going after things and experiences blah blah .. I remember telling my therapist, since the day I was faced with the diagnosis, seems like anxiety is all that I am! I want to get my old self back, I want to get my life back! Anxiety stole my life! It was painful, it was uncomfortable and it was also my excuse for everything..

But then, one of the biggest turning-points in my therapy journey was when I decided to love my anxiety, and understand it better, understand that it does not want to do me any harm but actually protect me, so I became more aware inward and outward, I became very attentive to the changes and the signs my body gives me, you can catch me whispering " what is it babygirl, what's wrong? " as soon as I feel that stomach ache, lol. I honestly do talk to it, I can proudly say I befriended it and that's how I managed to get on its good sign and take control of my life back.

Now I even anticipate it. I sorta know my triggers, so I can te that I will have an episode, I have learned a few techniques on how to calm myself down or distract my mind, sometimes when it is intense I would allow myself a day off or even an hour off just to myself to do something that brings me comfort, I journal a lot, I analyze my thoughts and whatnot.. and that's what therapy is good for, it equips you with tools to cope with the issue at hand. And yes, that's how it lessens in its intensity like you said. That's how you gain back control over your life. That's how you get closer to feeling and achieving peace, because listen boo, we are not looking for happiness, the goal is actually peace. Happiness is only a moment in time, it's fleeing, it's just an instant. Inner peace and mental peace is what lasts.

I can't tell you how much time it takes because every journey is personal and different, to each of us their path, and relapses do happen, setbacks do happen, after all we are only human, and especially for us girls, the hormonal imbalance is a nightmare and it does affect our psyche.. there is also life events always happening and affecting our mental health.. but the most important part is that you never stop, never give up, you keep walking your path of healing and you keep asking for help! I always say that the keys to having a good experience with therapy are the 3Ps: perseverance, patience and practice!

I have been in therapy for I think 3 years next month, and proudly I can say we don't have the scheduled regular sessions, I do not need them anymore, Alhamdullillah, now it is basically only in cases of emergency like if something really intense happens, other than that, Alhamdullillah I am capable of managing my anxiety attacks, which are neither that frequent not that intense anymore, Alhamdullillah.

P.s. I did not mention trauma because tbh with my therapist we haven't been working on that. And I am well-aware of how sensitive and different our traumatic experiences are, so I chose to sit this one out.

Anyways, I hope I managed to answer your questions or at least bring you some hope! And again, I am very proud of you, I know how gard and tricky it gets but I promise you it gets better, so keep going 🤍

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, mbti-notes! I wanna start this off by saying that I absolutely adore your blog. There's truly nothing else like it. It's comprehensive, clear, and precise. I've been relying on the material on your blog for psychology for a while now, and I want to give you a massive, massive thank you from the bottom of my heart.

Right, moving on to the purpose of me writing this. Please help me with type assessment (of myself). I have an argument of my type and I hope your analysis of it can give more insight on whether I was accurate or not. I'm an 18F. My MBTI may be ESTP, albeit an immature one.

Stack in order:

[Se] I think I have Se because…

I love experiencing new things. I don't like when nothing much happens in day-to-day life.

I'm usually energetic, especially if the situation is fun and exciting (team sports I like in particular). But when it comes to studying heavy theory about things I don't like/don't care about or hanging out with people I don't feel comfortable with, it feels like all my battery gets sucked out.

It's easy for me to learn something when I jump straight into it and experience it real-time rather than sitting down and hearing someone going on and on about it.

It's difficult for me to sit still for a long time. (Funnily enough, as I was writing this, a classmate was sitting next to me and said she was bored. I instantly stopped writing and jumped to play a game with her.)

I don't like when I have to do the same thing over and over again unless it has a purpose.

I get annoyed when situations are too serious. I prefer to keep things fun and light-hearted.

I see it as it is, say it as it is.

[Ti] I think I have Ti because…

If something doesn't make sense/has flawed logic, I speak up about it OR I keep it to myself because 1. I may be wrong 2. If I say it, people would get hurt.

If I'm forced to learn something, then I instantly lose all my curiosity and do everything in my power to NOT learn it. In contrast, if I discover something interesting and learn it on my own, I become intensely invested in the topic for a while until I reach a block and drop it lol. (The knowledge stays, but most of the time I remain a novice, not being special in anything)

I'm straightforward. It's a double-edged sword. I have people tell me that they admire this trait in me, then get offended when I display it the next day. I have no intention in hurting people, it's just that sometimes the truth hurts, and I'm sorry but I'd prefer they "live wounded" than "die stupidly". It's a sign I care.

I'm firm in my opinions, and don't get deterred when other people tell me their own. If it doesn't make sense to me, then it doesn't. If it does, it does. The part I'm ashamed to admit is that sometimes I'm wrong. I'm working on to not deflect other people's advice and opinions face-value.

[Fe] I think I have Fe because…

Long story short, my parents weren't very present in my childhood because of their jobs. So, I threw myself into befriending people in school and latched onto them for emotional needs. Not only that, many of those so-called friends bullied me over the years. This part of my life built this people-pleaser mentality, and I've only noticed it just recently. I hate it. I want to stop, but it's not easy to get rid of something that's become instinct.

I do want to be taken seriously, but I can't help but joke around. I don't even think when I do it.

Err. Okay. This is gonna sound like bragging. I apologize beforehand. So, many people have told me that I'm "smart", whether they are family, friends, teachers, or strangers. I know this. Sometimes I have moments of doubt, just like anyone, but I know this. Whenever they say it to my face, I act dumb and say "Really? Why do you think that?" just so they continue on praising me. GAH THAT'S SO EMBARRASING OKAY MOVING ON

[Ni] I think I have Ni because…

Whenever I feel stressed out, I isolate myself from others. I lock myself in my room and snap at my loved ones if they try to ask me what's wrong. I become pessimistic and vengeful. I can't focus on anything but the negatives of a situation. During this, I feel like everyone is out to get me, and I can't trust anyone but myself.

So, what do you think? Am I an ESTP? If I am, how can I be better?

------------------------

I'm glad you find my blog helpful, I appreciate you saying so. :)

While there's nothing in your description that jumps out at me as negating ESTP, it's still incomplete. You make a lot of claims about yourself but don't provide enough detailed and concrete examples to back them up. For example, people who've done any job hiring can tell you that everyone claims to be a "fast learner" or insert whatever trait/quality... but where's the PROOF? I need a lot of proof to confirm type with a high degree of confidence. Otherwise, I just take your word for it, which then comes down to whether your word is reliable - it's not really my analysis in the end.

Another issue, the instructions state that you should do a comparison between at least two types. It isn't enough to just confirm the type you think you are, because that makes you vulnerable to confirmation bias. You must also examine the other types and rule them all out systematically. Since you only wrote up one type, am I to assume that no other types fit as well as ESTP? If that's the case, you have your final answer.

As for how you can be better, the question is too general and vague. It would be better to raise specific things you'd like to work on. I'm not here to judge whether you're a good person or anything like that. All I do is offer some info to people who've hit a block or obstacle.

If you are confident about your type, I suggest you consult the Type Development Guide about how to improve your awareness of your functions and learn to use them better. Another thing you can do is analyze your past mistakes and failures for lessons to learn. Another thing you can do is solicit negative feedback/criticism about yourself to discover more opportunities for personal growth.

[velvetporcelain]

I am not crazy, I’m beautiful

A little red corvette holds nothing a bitchin fox body mustang.

Smoke break. Today has been eventful. I had many different experiences today. By the time nine p.m. came I was the tires marks of an old burn out.

I’m sitting in the passenger seat of my absolutely stunning convertible fox body “black beauty” mustang.

THINKING. 💭

Today I got rid of my lustless red nails. I exchanged them for the most beautiful, deep, vintage green. Paired with my gold jewelry that I never, ever, dare to take off, my hands take the show! Ah! I absolutely love my nail girl. She called me by my first name instead of using “mam” and to me that is respect. So I respect her. She seems willing to work with indecisive nature so it is a good match. I like that she suggests colors because her nails are always perfectly manicured and that tells me she has a good eye for color. She sets the trend.

I was gracefully able to plant my new live plant bulbs in my little aquarium world. I told those fish if they came near me— and I swore to god at them. Ha. It was a good time and I enjoyed our connection this morning and it made me feel accomplished. Which set the tone for the rest of the day.

Actually I lied. Maybe it was my outfit that set the tone. I tend to allow it to do that majority of the time. You know, the creative mind at work is a beautiful and flowing thing. No stress = no stress. Sometimes I do let it get in the way of my day when I fall out of the creative mindset. But you know a good friend of mine said “practice, practice, practice “ and my mind took that seriously. Which obviously is a healthy thing for the mind to do- exercise itself.

After feeling fabulous and beautiful, I was able to actually go home and eat lunch! Now, I have a few ideas here. The first is - who the fuck set the time frames for breakfast,lunch and dinner? Because fuck that. I’m gonna eat what I want when I’m hungry. These invisible time frames got to go. I have control over when my body eats because I know when it’s hungry 😂 like what the fuck , it’s the simplest logic but again, humans tend to complicate things on a regular fucking basis. Yet, I still forgive for this, always.

My son had his first sleepover today and I feel good for him. He needs connection. He needs an outside source of reset. Time to be himself. If that makes sense? To be around likewise minds makes more sense. His sibling relationships can be difficult sometimes considering the age gaps in all of them. That’s natural disconnect due to knowledge and life experience. Nothing I’m worried about. My kids love each other, but we all need breaks from the ones we love. 😉

I decided today I was gonna buy myself a good pack of pre-rolled cannabis flower. I got a floral indica called Violet Fog. I can tell you right now that after smoking that? My aura is radiating purple. A beautiful, perfectly violet, violet. 💜 I am not crazy, I’m beautiful.

I got to spend one on one time with my beautiful and blooming daughter. I want to know so much about her, and I want her to teach me how to be a girl in this world. We went on a search for a new beanie boo, she is an angel and deserves the entire world. After the second store we finally found the perfect new addition to her deeply valued collection. A black dragon we named Dungeon. 🖤

My teenager needs to learn that I am his ally, not his enemy. He needs to learn communication skills, problem solving and self regulation. He needs to be able to sit at the captain’s table with his father and I and collaborate. I plan to make a schedule applying this ideology. I look forward to implementing it as healthy discipline that will also be advantageous to him on the outside world. It’s fucking tough, but I’m a tougher bitch. Again, not worried.

I’m starting to feel like my name should come with a “your majesty” in front of it. I want my kids to feel safe enough to constructively teach me about themselves in order for me to cultivate the healthiest connections I possibly and humanly can. I’m trying to active their creative minds. Thinking of ways to get them to truly show themselves. I believe in solid parental guidance and pushing, it never ends, we will always and forever be wiser than they are. Why watch them crash? No, teach them how to fly in the home and they will soar out your door. I promise.

BUT naturally parents want control, which doesn’t even exist, so they are doomed. 👀🤭 kidding - but am I?

Kids don’t understand the “in between” that it takes to establish connection. They just immediately want. I like to think that I the ability to show people this “in between” in hopes that I open up new neuro pathways in their mind. I am the messenger sis, like what else?

I’m having a great time with this very intimate and interpersonal relationship that I am building within myself. Allowing me to do the same in all my relationships. Yes, there are bad days. Yes, there is pain. Yes, there is grief. But it cannot always be night, so- the sun will always rise.

I got my kids almost right where I want them and that keeps me driven. Because when they get where I want them, then it’s time for the next level of lessons and leadership. You have to reevaluate the situation while considering all your new experiences and knowledge every once and while in order to thrive. Change is the only existing constant in the world. The only.

It’s getting late and my throat hurts. I’m sure I will have the most sexiest voice in the world in the morning. I think my voice is stunning, lulling, influencing, silver, maybe even gold. I’m loving myself hard as fuck right now. Hell yeah. My hand is freezing but it still looks fucking stunning so cold therapy sets in and I’m calm again. I want to go upstairs and hope that the classic tv section on Pluto tv 📺 is playing The Rat Patrol or Sea Hunt. I would not even get back out of bed to brush my teeth if these were playing. I’d even consider The Twlight Zone. I came across The Rat Patrol mistakenly and I was captured immediately. I laid in bed for a good hour and a half with my bebe boo boo baby child laid behind me, back to back just like we like it. We were comfortable and content so I was able to pay attention to the plot line of this series. IN LOVE. YOU MEAN NAZIS? AGAIN!? MISTAKENLY?! 😩👀🥰🥰❤️😑😑😑😑🤭😂👀

What is the world trying to teach me right now? I don’t know and some days that makes me so fucking angry, and some days it makes me so fucking holy. And I want it to be holy for the rest of my life while indulging in the angry with lust, sex, passion, rebellion. All healthy of course. Regulate it into something healthy. It’s there. You’re just not looking. Stop TRYING to look and just stare. It will sorta feel a bit cross eyed at first but it will focus itself eventually, and you will know exactly what it looks like when it comes INTO focus.

Till then. Be good for mommy. 💋

-x

[ohgodimafraud]

.

im really just watching my body mind and soul decay in real time huh. i hate the drugs im on rn I hate them I hate them im going actually crazy rn I started sobbing bc I was like I have no food but I just spent 200 on groceries yesterday so idk how that even makes sense like wdym. And it’s easy to make. Im like bouncing off the walls but moving is like exhausting and my job is lots of moving so I reached my limit and I can’t work out to get rid of it bc if I go up the stairs too fast I wheeze and like am in pain and idk what to do honestly I was like let’s sing and play uke or guitar and that hurts let’s do this I can’t. I’m so tired of watching tv. It’s like day 23 of this and I’m terrible and sad and like am not functioning and Ik I’m not but I’m doing enough at least at my job but nowhere else and like that’s at least a W but that’s my one W. Like hahahahaa I’ve taken so many Ls I’ve fucked so much up already and also have not and nothing actually makes sense anymore it’s like that funny feeling like Ik these meds are making me better but they’re making me so much worse at the same time I just want to sleep I want to cook and eat and like work was everything and I don’t have much this week and I can’t relax and I’m like haha what if I’m actually dying tho!!!! What if I’m dying like. This isn’t normal for me and idk if it’s worse in my head bc I’m crazy or if like I’m actually declining or if this is gonna mutate into something worse again and I’ll just never get better idk. Maybe my immune system is forever fucked. Idk how ppl who go thru so much worse get thru. Like idk if my life is actually ending ig it’s yolo balls to the walls idk like did I even ever live. A kid asked me about my bucket list today and it’s like oh id like to travel and luckily they had a lot they wanted to do so I didn’t have to talk bc I don’t know. So why don’t I actually do it instead of waiting to die idk :) but idk I want to hold hands in front of a Christmas tree I want to shop for gifts for our families with my friends I want to celebrate something I want to be free I want to meet the friends I still haven’t seen irl i want to dance at a club again I want to learn guitar better and ukulele. I want to see myself grow into someone I can love and I’m so scared I’ll never get there rn I’m so dramatic but it feels so real and lonely I’m tired of going to the doctor and finding new things wrong. Limerence sounds like such a pretty word and it’s not a pretty feeling and it’s like so familiar and painful and it makes me feel so evil and cruel and I just want to be better and not sick inside and out