#latvia with the bald dudes

[adlibitur]

time to watch all the eurovision songs

[a-room-of-my-own]

Latvia brought a bald dude in a plastic armor.

[elfpen]

I, an uncultured American who did not have the chance to actually keep up with Eurovision this year, have just spent several hours attempting to educate myself on the current state of the contest exclusively through tumblr’s “Eurovision” and “esc” tags.

Here is what I have learned:

Pussy

And salads, it’s part of a balanced diet

Norwegian wolves like bananas or something

You’ve heard of hot girl summer now get ready for ballad song spring

Are you actually in Eurovision if there isn’t some choreographed bumping and grinding

Okay but like are their costumes supposed to be wolves? Bananas with teeth? Did a wolf get knocked up by a banana? I have so many questions

I am not 100% certain of the name of the mad lad from Ukraine who was dancing like that but my god he can get it

Italy and Spain are upset with each other? I think? Unclear. I saw a lot of mentions of Italy and very little elaboration.

The final is apparently going to be boring because the censors are all cowards

There is a not-insignificant push to get the crowd to scream “pussy” during the final to protest Latvia’s ouster, they’re right and they should all say it very loudly

Okay but I’m hung up on this wolf banana thing. Like it’s sexual, right? Is it? Am I just too deep in the internet? I literally cannot tell, I just see these dudes in yellow lycra with little foam teeth pasted on what the hell am I suppose to do with that

Wait shit if it’s not supposed to be sexual I sound like a pervert MOVING ON

Turquoise carpet is the girl they tell Met Gala not to worry about

I do not know what the juries look like but I’m imagining a panel just. A supervillain-scale conference room table full of balding old white men with identically depressing briefcases

Obligatory dragging Britain through the mud

Interestingly most of the UK roasting posts I saw were written by Brits, further reinforcing my theory that you all have a humiliation kink

Okay but like, regardless of whether or not it’s meant to be inherently sexual, are the banana wolves furries? They have no fur. But like not all furies are actually furry, you know?

There is a full on “avenge Latvia” movement to establish their right to say “pussy” on international television and honestly it’s one of the more unifying and inspiring moments I’ve seen in Eurovision in a few years

Still not sure what the deal with Italy or Spain is, help

I have not been able to determine who this dude is with the plants all in his beard but I want to see his Pinterest board

Okay but seriously though, is this what happens when you give furries acid?? Acid, Adobe aftereffects and lycra????

The “cat with salad meme” sequel exceeds expectations

Like a good reality tv programme, the Eurovision-through-the-eyes-of-tumblr binging experience makes me feel like I’ve wasted several hours of my lifespan but leaves me hungry for more

[gncrevan]

here's that long post of me commenting on every esc19 song that you didn't wanna read! going in order of appearance on the playlist.

cyprus: forgettable, but i like the early 2000s hook and that they really want their video to be editorial but it's mostly confusing

moldova: sounds like kelly clarkson with more bass? idk i'm disappointed

russia: high production value cannot hide that song and singer are boring

israel: yes for completely inappropriate opera with that terrible pop singer drowl

albania: there's rain! there's fire! running! drama! from the video i'm guessing it's an anti war song, but yeah it really brings the pathos, hope they do an equally dramatic stage show, also sounds very nightwish/lacuna coil circa 2005

romania: if they do the broken doll dance on stage i might dig it for pretentiousness alone. also omg the special effects!

armenia: they really thought a video of men beating up a woman was a good idea??? i like the singer though

malta: props for putting even the "na na" part of the lyrics in the video. do they know they're not lana del rey? very danceable, i like the chama-chameleon part with the instrumental.

sweden: the song is structured weirdly, but not in a good way. john can sing and moves well but damn the song is bad, even with the choir.

belarus: i feel bad making fun of this cause it's so cheap

montenegro: oh! terrible. it's so wrong. i love it.

italy: not remotely esc-appropriate but it makes cool use of repetition

ireland: no.

norway: surprisingly camp! pretty bad! weird dancing! the robotic smiles! the bald dude who just kinda injects something norwegian and can't hit a single note! the drums! it's so inappropriate, i fucking love it

north macedonia: i'm generally a defender of the art of the eurovision ballad and it has all the makings of something where they can overuse the wind machine

poland: the weirdness factor has real potential if they pull it off on stage, i generally quite dig it though i think the verse is stronger than the chorus

hungary: don't hate it but it's underwhelming

portugal: hey uh what the fuck????? amazing. show-stopping. here for it!

greece: what's with all the artsy music videos for mediocre pop songs this year? all that pink tulle

azerbaijan: i usually trust azerbaijan to send something very stupid but this is just boring. hope they have the dude with the mask on stage at least

austria: no.

spain: i guess at least there's a dance

czech republic: thanks i hate it

netherlands: not many men can pull off the hurt mournful singing without sounding obnoxious and ... duncan can't

san marino: serhat is KING and i love that they just sent him again even though he didn't make the cut last year, but this year's song isn't as good imho

slovenia: slavic fashion REPRESENT

serbia: could work with more pyrotechnics & wind machine

switzerland: i want that suit & hat he wears but wow is this bad

georgia: oto is creepily intense so this might be cool with like, costumes and stage action, i have hope

denmark: love how she's dressed but BIG NO.

finland: sgsjsjgsjgdjgdhk this is what i mean about stage shows making all the difference, the song is boring but that setup is so funny, why is the synth guy in a box, why is the dancer on top, the aquarium illusion, just everything

iceland: hewwo??????????? part of me is scared they're n*zis, the other part is just like omg look at these fucked up electro screamo SM thunderdome guys

belgium: no. (tbf when was the last time i gave belgium a yes)

france: i can't concentrate because he looks like lady gaga from the side

lithuania: sorry but he just doesn't have the range

germany: HAHAHAhahaha fuck no

estonia: i swear when will they stop allowing songs that are just some dumbass and his acoustic guitar

latvia: props for trying to bring back chanson i guess? it's okay.

croatia: they need to make it BIGGER but they're on the right track like, those wings? the white leather jacket? that musical build-up? the mist? fuck yeah that's the good eurovision shit

united kingdom: idk if he's nervous or just bad but the song is exactly what i expect from the uk (shit)

australia: look i've been criticizing australia these last years for Not Getting It but this is pretty awesome! musical opera bullshit with that costume and the person swinging on a stick? noice! and they made a halfway catchy song, too

[allmyownrandomthoughts]

Eurovision semifinal 2!!

1 Armenia: Don’t really know what to say about this. Super edgy etc but it kind of leaves me wanting more? Not bad but not great 5/10

2 Ireland: Not great singing? This one also feels a bit more karaoke than eurovison. Kind of cute but she sounds really bored? Which doesn’t fit the aesthetics or music at all. Im confused 4/10

3 Moldova: I’m like 99% sure this sand thing has been done in eurovison before? So that’s boring. The song is not bad but it’s also not really that special 4/10

4 Switzerland: Im crying the red background is like taken straight from Benjamin Ingrosso lol but okay other than that not bad I guess but I’m sorry I can’t think past that. It’s a guy singing about dancing with a red backgroud... You could have at least waited a couple of years before copying someone else’s concept lol 3/10

5 Latvia: Not a fan of her voice but other than that? Yes please! It has like one sentence that she sings over and over though??? So  4.5/10

6 Romania: Also slow and boring but It’s not bad and I like the aesthetics of this so 5/10 lol

7 Denmark: Sure this pretty good but why have no one in this competition heard of writing songs that actually evolve and don’t sound the same through the entire song????? IM GETTING SO BORED 5/10

8 Sweden: I might be ~slightly~ partial BUT THIS IS HOW IT’S DONE BITCHES! YAS JOHN YOU’RE DOING AMAZING SWEETIE!!!!! 10/10

9 Austria: aaaaaaaaaaaaaand im asleep again. maybe don’t make a song so high if you can’t comfortably reach those notes? 2/10

10 Croatia: Hmm. Not a bad singer, kind of interesting concept for the number I guess, boring ballad but this is good so I definetely think this should make it to the final 6/10

11 Malta: Good singer. Her energy actually matches the song and the number (take notes Ireland). This is kind of fun I guess? 6.5/10

12 Lithuania: I feel like this also not that bad? Not super impressed by the singing or anything but the song is not bad. Nothing happened in this one though so unfortunately 4.5/10

13 Russia: These mirrors make me think of camp rock hahaha. This is so overly dramatic I love it lol. Good singing so yeah. 6/10

14 Albania: I actually think this is cool haha. I like the concept, the outfits and she’s a pretty strong singer. This is also a little boring though so it gets 5/10

15 Norway: This is so good compared to Norways song last year!The jojk (no idea what that’s called in english but what the bald dude is doing) paired with the uptempo techno? Iconic 8/10

16 The netherlands: Wow okay im sad now great. The song is really good though. 7/10

17 North Macedonia: Wow we stan a feminist icon. Don’t have much else to say about this though. Great message. Actually a pretty good power ballad. 6/10

18 Azerbaijan: A pretty basic pop song but I guess it’s pretty good for what it is. Cool number, great singer. 6/10