#last post before sleep will continue tmr : ]

[chloroooew]

stop

[studentbyday]

{ 30.10.24 } · { 50 days of routine } · { day 1 }

actually got out of bed at 7:30 though i woke up at least half an hour before... but i slept at midnight last night (need to schedule proper wind-down time), so i was very sleepy and felt awful all around

*struggling through immunology discussion post due today*

i napped later in the morning for an hour and that's when my two mushrooms died bc I didn't wanna be tempted to use my phone when i intended to nap but the other timer i set to wake me up (in case the forest ding didn't wake me up) went off slightly before the forest timer was up and...well, they're dead now. it was a good nap tho and it gave me the energy i needed to go on with the rest of my day

worked on pathology group asst (not scheduled for today but...i did it anyway bc i felt compelled to, not sure if that was a good idea in hindsight...)

sort of reviewed for the microbio quiz but it was half-assed bc i was impatient and then i just did the quiz anyway...it was more stressful than it needed to be bc of my poor memory and i felt bad about that... we'll see if i actually was able to find the right answers in the end when the answers are released...

continued struggling through that immunology discussion post but we made it in the end (i mean, we had to)

walk and read (maybe 30 mins? started reading about cbt and working through the workbook and i like how it seems to be almost exactly like physio appts but for my brain...sometimes i try to work through my issues on my own through word-vomit journaling, but increasingly it's getting difficult to even know where to begin and how to move forward when it both really matters and i'm so tired and clueless and don't wanna give up, so having someone help you make a sane roadmap that aligns with your own goals is nice 👍🏻 there were some reflection activities in the workbook which i filled out too...)

might actually end a little later tn (goodbye proper wind-down time that i was supposed to have, but hopefully making significant progress on my schoolwork + the journaling i did as part of the cbt workbook will have helped satisfy the part of me that usually resists going to sleep immediately) because i have to finish (or get as close to finishing) a microbiology assignment due tmr morning (not first thing, thank God...i don't even remember how i got to be so late with this...gah so many things happening and the non-urgent stuff gets pushed later and later until woops the deadline is tmr!!! 😣😮‍💨) (update: i'm maybe halfway??? luckily it's just a first draft we need to be sending but omfg do i have my work cut out for me tmr morning 😭 icandothisicandothisihaveto)

[francescaswiftsblog]

Hiii i am Francesca! I love Taylor Swift. In my mind she is my bestfriend and I will make her my bestfriend and I will meet her. I love her personality and the way she articulates words. I am obsessed with reading her old blog posts and I wish Myspace was still active because it would be so cool to see her continue to blog her life. I am 18. Some similarities between Taylor and I are, we both were born on the 13th (her december and me august).We also share the same lucky number. People may say “oh you are saying 13 is ur lucky number because it’s hers” and you can believe what u want but it was my lucky number before I even knew it was Taylor’s. It was the date I was born and I was born on a Friday so Friday the 13th. We both love playing guitar and we were both born in Pennsylvania. She is a sag and I am a leo so we are very compatible which is how I know we would be bestfriends. I cannot wait till she does meet and greets again. I know I will meet her.

Anyways it is Father’s Day so happy Father’s Day to all of the fathers. I woke up so early this morning and I was sooo tired because I was up really late watching Taylor swift edits and the rookie. The rookie is such a good show I love it. I go through shows really fast which is why this show is good because each episode is so long and there are a lot of seasons. I wanna write music but it’s so difficult. My friends and I used to write music but that was forever ago and I wanna start again. I went to my grandfathers for the morning for Father’s Day and I laid out in the sun for a while. I got Starbucks on the way home. I cleaned my room a bit and then I napped because exposure to the sun makes me exhausted. I then had to wake up again because I was driving my siblings and I to my dad’s house for Father’s Day. I’m at my dads house currently and just chilling on the chair while my siblings talk. I am expecting dressers tomorrow which I am super excited about because I have SOOO many clothes and they do not fit anywhere and my other dresser is broken. I was looking for my Taylor swift red tour concert shirt last night but it is nowhere to be found. There are two things that could have happened: my sister stole it.. 😡 or… I accidentally gave it away when I was going through my clothes. I’ll just get a new one eventually plus many more from all of her tours.

I have to wake up early again tmr so I plan on sleeping early tonight. There are so many things I wanna buy but I only have $170. I need…well more so want… a new purse. I also want some new necklaces and bracelets and jewelry. I also want some essentials like new lip balm, lip gloss, some vitamins, makeup remover, and face stuff like panoxyl and snail mucin.

There’s this thing where Swifties don’t remember most or all of the eras tour. I am experiencing that. It feels like I wasn’t even there. Which sucks but at least I took a ton of videos so I can try reliving the experience. People say it’s like they blacked out the whole time or part of the time because there are parts they just cannot recall and if their weren’t videos they would not have believed it happened.There were also people where after the concert, the brain tried convincing themselves it never happened. I am just blessed to have been in the same place as TAYLOR SWIFT. I will make it my life mission to go again. Every time I see her, whether it’s a picture or edit, I get emotional. Honestly. I don’t know why. I just love her so much. She is such a good role model and she is beautiful and her music is so good.

I’m planning on getting a tattoo of the number 13. I was gonna get matching ones a couple months ago w my friend but idk if we are still. We were planning on doing that because 13 is also her lucky number but like me, it’s not because of Taylor swift dw. She’s not even a fan of Taylor swift (which I do not understand tbh).

Anyways these are all my thoughts for now. I’ll post again later if I have anything new to say. I need a journal to write all my thoughts down but until I find the perfect one I will continue to write my thoughts here. I will actually end up writing in my journal and then posting what I want out of my journal. No one is gonna follow this and I don’t want anyone too. This is just for me when I get older so I can look back on it and remember what I thought about on a certain day. It is a good way to see my growth.

Lovealways

Cesca💜

June 18th, 2023

[jinkicake]

Duty Calls

Lucifer calls you into his office for some much-needed stress relief.

Lucifer x Reader (afab!reader)

A/N: this is a combo of smuts that i stuck together to make one giant lucifer smut... anything for my demon!!! i also have genshin smut i want to post butttt i’ll do that tmr #lucicomesfirst

SMUT // NSFWW

WC - 1.5k

~~~

‘I need to see you. Come to my room now.’

Lucifer’s simple text message comes at an odd time and leaves no room for any refusal. Upon receiving the request, you nearly drop your phone in shock. 

“Fuck me,” You whine and throw your covers to the side in a rush as you get out of bed. Why is Lucifer requesting an audience with you now? Since the last time you were scolded, a mere three months ago, you haven’t failed any tests or broken any of his house rules. What could he possibly have to talk to you about that required such a serious message? 

The short trek toward the demon’s bedroom takes longer than usual as you brace yourself with each step that you take. In your mind, you try to run every possibility of Lucifer’s scoldings and how you can avoid his severe punishments. You truly don’t think that you have it in you to sit through another one of his hour-long lectures. 

There isn’t even an opportunity for you to wait outside his bedroom door, to take an extra breather, because the door is wide open. Lucifer doesn’t even have to turn around from where he is seated at his desk to know that you are there. 

“Come in and shut the door.” His deep voice calms your racing heart down a little as you step inside and quietly shut the thick wooden door. “Lock it.” With shaky fingers, you do as he asks. “Sit,” Wordlessly, you move to sit on the edge of his bed. The soft duvet could make you cry as you fist the material with your fingers. 

You wish you could lay down and relax on his bed. If Lucifer wants to scold you about something, you might have to remind him of how you were just sleeping soundly in his bed this morning. 

While Lucifer finishes up with the paper he is working on and jots his last thoughts down, you let your eyes drag along the walls of his room. The dark walls soon bore you as your eyes retire to his broad back. You watch with a certain eagerness in your eyes, nearly squirming in your spot while staring at the strong plain of his shoulders. He’s gorgeous, you can’t deny that. 

“I’m sorry to have kept you waiting,” Lucifer finally places his pen down and roughly pulls you away from your thoughts as he stands up from his desk. When his eyes land on your nervous figure, he frowns. “don’t look so frightened, dear.” He sighs quietly and crosses his arms over his large chest, standing completely still as he looks over you. “You have very fond memories in this room, don’t you?” 

Oh, he’s right. If Lucifer were to be punishing you for something, he would have chosen to scold you in his office. He rarely carries over work into his bedroom except for the occasional light reading of paperwork. 

“Were you busy?” Lucifer sits down beside you, letting his thigh press into your own. The warmth of his body nearly causes you to shiver. “I understand that this is unexpected,” His hand gently cups your bicep before moving up your shoulder, lightly trailing your skin with light touches. He pushes your hair out of his way before lowering his face to your neck. 

You shake your head to answer his question out of fear that your voice will fail you. Lucifer smirks before placing a soft kiss on your throat and tightening his grip on your shoulder when your breath hitches. 

“You won’t mind helping me out with something, correct?” His lips press continuous kisses onto your skin, leading a trail up your jaw to behind your ear. With each audible sound, your body grows weaker and weaker until you’re just about leaning entirely into his touch. 

“I’ll help with anything,” You whisper, afraid to break the spell he has on you. Lucifer’s hand glides down to your back and rests firmly between your shoulder blades. 

“Good girl,” He murmurs into your ear and makes a point to lick underneath your jaw, he’s entirely consumed by your presence. “I need your help.” The plea, as subtle as it is, makes your eyes widen in shock. 

“With what?”

“You know exactly what,” Lucifer nudges you back against his mattress and makes sure that you are splayed out for him against his duvet. “I need you, human.”

It doesn’t take long for you to realize just exactly what Lucifer needs. When he sets his mind on something, he makes a promise to deliver, and he always leaves you satisfied. 

“Luci-” You suck in a sharp breath, a pathetic moan falling from your lips as your head falls back against the lush pillows lining his bed. “Lucifer!” The older demon deeply moans at your cries and the sight of your exposed in front of him, nothing in all the realms could take him away from you right now. 

Lucifer continues to happily lap his tongue between your thighs, sweetly licking hard strips against your clit over and over again. Only when you’re starting to gush against his chin does he dip his tongue inside of you. His long, monster of a tongue reaches far deeper than any toy could. He plunges the appendage in and out between your tight walls, intently rubbing his nose against your clit to make you see stars. Lucifer searches for that spongey spot just past your entrance and he finds it with ease before his tongue starts to grind against that sweet spot. 

It’s wet, and messy, and shows just how desperate Lucifer can get for you. He needs this just as badly as you do. He aches when he’s not inside you, the only time he feels utter peace is when he’s eating you out until your thighs shake in overstimulation. 

The mere thought of getting you to cum sends him into quickening his movements. Lucifer sits up on the mattress, pressing your thighs to your chest and angling your hips up so he can shove his tongue even deeper inside of you. 

The combination of his angular nose rubbing against your swollen clit and his tongue stretching you open already has you squirming against the sheets. 

“Oh my-” You bite down on your tongue to hold back a whine, but ultimately let it out when Lucifer pinches your hip. “fuck, Lucifer!”

His animalistic groans against your cunt and the ferocity that has taken over him, driving him to pleasure you more and more until you cum, have you seeing stars. It’s not just his pleasurable motions, but the intensity that leaks off of him that makes you cum.

You finish hard on Lucifer’s tongue, bucking your hips against your face to drag out the orgasm for as long as possible. His nose rubs deliciously against your clit, stretching the feeling out from the pit of your stomach down to the tips of your toes. 

Lucifer slowly angles you back down against the mattress, placing your hips back onto the lush blankets instead of his firm shoulders. It’s only when you’re twitching flatly against the bed that he slowly retracts his tongue back into his mouth. 

The demon glances up at you and a small upward twitch appears in the corner of his lips as he takes in your ruined appearance. He drags his eyes back down between your thighs and a sharp inhale sends him right back down to your cunt. 

He parts you with his thick thumbs and licks from your entrance up to your clit. You’re still so sensitive that you shudder against him but, Lucifer pays no mind to it. He’s already gotten a taste of you, more of you now and he can’t simply pull himself away. 

It sends him back into another cycle of lapping his tongue against your pretty pussy, mouthing your wetness to devour it all. He’s loud and messy as sopping noises reach your ears and cause a blush to reach your cheeks. Lucifer has no intention of doing anything in a gentlemanly fashion, not tonight. 

He sucks and sucks until you’re lathered in his spit and when he’s finished, he sharply slaps his palm against your ass. 

“Mhm, my human,” Lucifer admires you from head to toe as he sits up between your thighs to place his forearms on either side of your head. His face has become so close to yours that you obediently part your lips for Lucifer to meet you in a kiss. 

He always makes you taste so good on his tongue, you moan and shift your hips at the warm feeling. Like everything he does with you, Lucifer puts his pride into kissing you. One of his hands tightly grips your hair to angle your head back while the other rests gently on your throat. He takes a sense of dominance when sucking on your tongue, letting the two muscles wrap around the other. 

It’s messy and dirty, much like all the things Lucifer does to you and what he has planned for the rest of the night. 

[petertingle-yipyip]

This Feeling - Thomas

//Requested by rycbar-221b: heyyy! can i request a thomas (tmr) x reader fluff, where tommy and r were in love before the maze, and they meet again in the scorch and reader has a bunch of scars? so tommy asks what they were for and r reveals that jensen (aka ratface) tortured her after tommy’s betrayal bc they were in love, and lots of fluff anf angst and kisses plz thankyou//

//Tags: @rycbar-221b @writingsbychlo​ (bc i’ve decided to tag you in anything tommy that i post) // Warnings: Angst, brief language, alludes to violence, mentions and slight description of scars. Also, I did not edit this so please be nice//

Pairing: Thomas x Reader

Word Count: 2,800

Summary: She remembers, he doesn’t. When her story is too familiar to ignore, it’s hard for Thomas to place “This Feeling”. But something is different now. She’s different now.

He slammed his fist against the table, causing you to flinch. You clenched your fists, leaning your head against them for a moment before sitting tall and stretching your fingers. You stared down Janson, refusing to break first. You folded your hands neatly on the table, tilting your head slightly with a sly smirk climbing to your face.

“Did you really think I’d tell you anything?” You laughed. “What makes you think I knew anything about this?”

“You and Thomas were extremely close…” Janson said tensely. He quickly rubbed his mouth in frustration, leaning back in his chair with a sigh. “If you have nothing to say, maybe we need to jog your memory.”

“Do what you want.” You shrugged defiantly. “I don’t know anything.”

“We’ll see about that.” He said with finality.

As he stood, two guards came in and hauled you from your seat. They led you down hallway after hallway, down three sets of stairs to a level of the Compound you didn’t know existed. You were pushed into a dark room, pushed so suddenly you fell to your knees. A clattering came from beside you, and looking over you saw a long spear had been thrown at you.

The ground was slick with a thick substance, too thick to be water. Your feet slid as you stood. There was a faint blinking red light coming from the other side, the creek of a door opening. Suddenly, the room was full of a squelching sound mixed with the scrape of metal against concrete. There were screams, hollow monstrous noises that echoed. Quickly, you grabbed the spear and gripped it tightly. You weren’t prepared for what happened next.

“Y/N?” Harriet asked, shaking you gently. You jumped slightly, your head snapping up to see your friend. “You alright?”

“Yeah.” You nodded carefully, running your hand through your hair. “All good.”

“Found something you might wanna see.” She smiled mischievously as she led you out the building you and the rest of your friends had been camped out in. Most of your group stayed behind, feeling safe at WICKED’s compound. You saw through WICKED the moment you saw Janson.

You managed to break yourself out along with Harriet, Sonya, Aris, and a few others. Your group was small, which made it easier to hide. You found a building that was seemingly halted mid-construction, the tarps providing easy cover for you.

You came face to face with a group of about ten boys. Some were familiar, you had seen them at the Compound before you escaped with your friends. You scanned their faces, trying to remember names.

“WICKED?” You questioned simply.

“Group A.” Harriet replied with lifted brows.

“Ah.” You nodded, stepping closer to examine the boys. “Group A, huh? You don’t seem like a first group.”

“First the worst, second the best, maybe?” Harriet offered from behind you.

You laughed slightly before getting their attention.

“So which one of you are in charge?” You asked, nodding towards them. They looked between each other, seemingly having no chain of command. You stared with raised brows, waiting for an answer. “Do you speak English or…”

“Yeah, yeah sorry.” The brunette in front laughed nervously. You felt your heart slamming in your chest when he spoke. “I guess I’m in charge.”

“Alright.” You swallowed hard. “You got a name?”

“Thomas.”

“Thomas?” You questioned. “Do you, by any chance, remember anything before the Maze?”

You knew it wasn’t the question to ask right off the bat. Once it left your mouth, you instantly regretted it. But you had to know if there was a chance that he knew, a chance that your connection was strong enough.

“Things are coming back slowly but no, not really.” He studied your face as you stared at him. He watched your eyes shift from curiosity to disappointment. He could tell you were hoping to hear something else but he didn’t know what you were looking for. “Do you?”

“We’ll get to that later.” You waved a hand dismissively. “You boys can head inside. There’s not many of us but you’re more than welcome to stay.”

“Thanks.” Thomas offered a small but honest smile. 

As the boys filed in, Harriet pulled you to the side.

“That’s him, isn’t it?” She asked anxiously. “The one that you told us about?”

“Yeah, that’s him.” You shrugged. “Once he looked at me, I- I felt something, something I haven’t felt since I lost him… But it’s pointless if he doesn’t remember.”

“He will.” She comforted you. “Just give him a little time.”

“You’ve looked better, Y/N.” Janson said smugly from the other side of the table.

You glared at him, not offering any words. You felt your blood boiling in your veins, your muscles itching to act. Your jaw was tightly clenched, enough to give you a small headache. Your breathing was heavy, your anger hard to contain. But you bit back your cruel words.

“I have to say I am a bit surprised you made it.” Janson continued when you refused to speak. “Any recollection of why Thomas released classified files?”

“We all got expectations…” You said carefully. “Sometimes they go wrong. I have no information for you, Rat Man. Same as two days ago.”

“Hmm.” He sucked his teeth obnoxiously. “Fine. Let’s see how well you do in a second round.”

You stood suddenly, leaning onto the table. Your palms were flat against the cool metal, arms locked as you faced Janson. “If you really think whatever monster you have cooking down there will kill me, you’re gonna have to do better than that slime ball with the metal legs.”

“We can do much better, Y/N.” He threatened.

“You think that a scar on my face is going to break me?” You laughed slightly. A result from your fight was a long gash from your hairline to your chin, cutting through your left eyebrow and skipping over your eye. It picked up on your cheekbone and was a straight shot down. Every word from your mouth felt like it was reopening the fresh would, but you had a point to make. “In the end, it’s my decision. So it’s my fault when it ends.”

You woke that night in a cold sweat. Your hands were shaking, old scars pulsing. You let out a sigh, throwing your arm over your eyes. Sleep was harder to find, especially in the Scorch. It never felt safe, but you knew your friends were doing better than you. You were more concerned about them than yourself, so you kept your struggles to yourself.

You headed for the open space at the other side of the room. You didn’t know if it was supposed to be a window, or if it was just broken down when the world collapsed. You didn’t necessarily care either.

When you got there, one of the boys was already sitting near it. You sat opposite of him, offering a small smile in greeting.

“Need some company?” You said, leaning on the wall beside the opening.

He chuckled slightly. “Couldn’t sleep either?”

“I don’t know the last time I slept through the night, honestly.” You shrugged. “Different nightmare every night, always comes back to the same thing.”

“Need to talk about it?” He offered gently.

“You actually wanna listen?”

“I’d like to know your name first but yeah, I’ll listen.”

“Before the Mazes, there was this boy…” You started carefully. You decided to leave out the part about the boy being Thomas simply for the fact that he didn’t seem to recognize you. “He did something crazy that WICKED didn’t like, so they sent him off. They took their anger out on me and it kinda haunts me. I guess...”

“How bad was it?”

Thomas realized then who you were. He didn’t know if it was your story or your voice that triggered it for him, but something about you felt right. You were Y/N, the motivation for him to leave the Maze. The appeal of running into the Scorch. The deep, empty feeling in his chest when he was in the Maze. You were the name on the tip of his tongue, begging to be said out loud. You were the memory that danced on the edge of his mind, waiting for him to reach out and reclaim. And now you were sitting in front of him, admitting all your pain. Pain he put you through.

“Pretty bad.” You nodded slowly. “It was enough for WICKED to keep me in the Compound instead of sending me in.”

“You never went into a Maze?”

“Nah.” You shook your head. “Never had my memory wiped either. I remember everything about life before this.”

“That’s heavy.” He said sadly. “Is that how you got-” He gestured to his own face, mimicking the deep scar on your own. “That was probably not the right thing to say, sorry.”

“All your boys are curious, aren’t they?” You chuckled.

“Some more than others.”

“I’ll tell you a story before it tells itself.” You scooted closer to him, letting the moonlight illuminate your features. Thomas had forgotten how beautiful you were, and the hazy figure in his dreams didn’t do you justice. “WICKED needed someone to test their monsters. What did you guys call the creatures in the Maze?”

“Grievers.” Thomas said quietly. He was still trying to process the scars on your body, the permanent reminder of what WICKED did to you.

“I called them Skitters.” You continued. “Anyways, WICKED wanted them to be potentially deadly without being murderous, I guess. I never really understood why they needed them. But I guess they needed them to be able to fight and not just attack. Especially when you started to figure out the Maze.”

“You fought Grievers?” He asked in awe. “And you survived?”

“WICKED couldn’t let their favorite test dummy die so easily.” You laughed bleakly. When you saw the concerned expression Thomas wore, you had to quickly redirect the conversation. “So, Thomas. What was it like in your Maze?”

“Y/N, I- I’m sorry.” He said honestly, his eyebrows furrowed as he shook his head.

“Thomas?” You said to get his attention. He looked up quickly, apologetic eyes finding yours. “I never told you my name.”

“Yeah, you did.” He countered. “You said it…” He tried to remember, but he then realized you never did tell him. “Huh, guess not.” He smiled nervously.

“You know me, don’t you?” You pressed, inching forward.

“If I had known they were going to do that to you, I-”

“You couldn’t have.” You shook your head, planting yourself by his feet. “I didn’t even know they were going to do that. Once they shipped you off, they sent me into that fight within an hour. They told me think with my head, not that thing in my chest. They just wanted me to sell you out, to tell them the extent of what you did.”

“I don’t know what I did.”

“Nothing WICKED didn’t deserve.” You shrugged. “T, listen.”

“T?”

“Thomas.” You corrected yourself. “Everything that happened after you left- this -” You gestured to your face. “-had nothing to do with you. This was WICKED getting back at me because I cared about you. And if they couldn’t punish you, they’d punish me.”

“My point, Y/N, is that they never should’ve put hands on you.”

“Technically, they didn’t.” You said with a devilish smirk as an idea came to you. “But you can.”

Thomas chuckled, placing hands on your hips so he could pull you closer. You swung your leg over his lap, moving to straddle him. Your hands slid up his chest slowly before finding their way into his hair. Thomas closed his eyes and hummed in delight at your gentle, purposeful touch.

He didn’t even realize what he was missing without you. He didn’t realize how relaxing your touch was, how sweet your voice was. He had forgotten how truly beautiful you were, from every angle. Thomas was quick to decide his favorite angle was when you were on top of him.

He leaned forward, pressing his lips to yours gently. You smiled against his lips, loving the contact you missed from him. His grip on your hips tightened slightly as he pulled you against him. Your fingers tugged gently on his hair, drawing a small groan from him. You chuckled slightly as his hands found their way up your shirt.

Thomas quickly jumped away, pulling his hands back after his fingers ghosted the deep circular scar on the center of your stomach. You stared in confusion, your feelings slightly hurt that he would pull away so suddenly. When you saw where his eyes were focused, you understood why he pulled away the way he did.

“You feel bad for me, don’t you?” You realized, your voice flattening. “Hold on to your opinions and stand by what you said.”

You knew what they had done to you was terrible and you hated WICKED for it. But the one thing you hated more than WICKED was pity. When Group B arrived at the Compound, a couple weeks after Thomas entered his Maze, you were littered with cuts and bruises you couldn’t hide. You didn’t want to hide your injuries, because  you weren’t ashamed of them. You always understood that they were purposeful, that you had fought and survived.

“I feel guilty, Y/N/N.” He sighed, casually using the nickname he had always used with you.

“Get up.” You said plainly, standing and heading outside. You heard the scuffling of Thomas following. You turned to face him once you were outside, pausing to admire him in the moonlight. “Why do you think I brought you out here?”

He shrugged slightly, his mouth open but failing to produce any sound.

“I brought you out here so you could actually see what happened to me.” You said simply. You pulled your shirt over your head, holding the fabric between tightly balled fists.

“Holy shit.” He sighed.

“Look at me, Thomas.” You said firmly when he tilted his eyes to the nightsky. “Look at me.”

“What do you want me to say, Y/N?” He snapped, throwing his hands forward dramatically. “You don’t want me to apologize. You don’t want me to feel bad for you. What do you want from me?”

“I want you to look.” You stood firm until his eyes finally met yours. “I am covered in scars and bruises. You felt this one-” You pointed to your stomach. “-and you bailed. Why?”

“I wasn’t expecting it.” He tried to explain.

“I was stung.” You began explaining. “WICKED knew they had to up the ante with the serum, but they needed to see the effects before they could send it in. Once they cut my face and I didn’t give them any info, they wanted to break my mind.”

“Y/N, I-”

“No, this is the part where you listen.” You said firmly. “Alright? You don’t need to explain anything or try to come to terms with what happened to me. This is my story.”

“Then what is it about?” He cut in. “You just said that they did this to you because of what I did. But I don’t even know what I did! I don’t know how hurting you was supposed to be some sort of punishment for me!”

“This was a punishment for you, you moron.” You rolled your eyes.

“How does hurting you-”

“Because obviously seeing me like this hurts you!” You interjected. “God, Thomas, how are you so oblivious? WICKED didn’t do this because they wanted to leave me scarred and fucked up. I mean, they probably did, but the main point was that you’d eventually have to see me like this. You’d see it and blame yourself.”

Thomas stopped, pausing to digest your words. He realized that you were right. WICKED knew him better than he knew himself. WICKED knew Thomas would see your scars, feel your scars, and blame himself. WICKED wanted to hurt Thomas by guilt, by forcing him to look at the pain they caused you. He could tell that the scars didn’t bother you, not anymore at least. Maybe they did at some point, but that was long gone. Now, Thomas could tell that you saw your scars as a personal victory. WICKED wanted to break you, but they didn’t.

“Guess you won after all, huh?” Thomas offered a lopsided smirk, closing the distance between you. His hand landed on your hip and pulled you against him.

“You’re the one that I want.” You said calmly, any anger or annoyance you felt had melted when he flashed that smirk. “And if that’s really so wrong…”

“Then they don’t know what this feeling is like.”

[schrodingers--lion]

6:46 a.m. January 17

Lying supine on the creaky bed, sleep evades me for the fourth night in a row. The rising sun fails to chase the unending dark clouds away. I am Deirdre. I shut the windows, petrichor invading my senses as I drag my skinny legs towards the window.

She picks out an uncharacteristically cheerful and trendy outfit, together with a bright yellow bandana. A pair of shiny contacts and a ponytail completes the fit for today. She smiles at the mirror. Retrieving her dusty schoolbag, left in the same corner since holidays began, she empties it’s content into a newer, flashier bag. She takes a brief look inside and zips the bag. This will be Deirdre today.

The rotten contents of my bag smells terrible. I check the time on my phone and stumble down the stairs, past several portraits of ancestors I couldn’t care less about, each looking gloomier than the next. I skip breakfast and ignore the dirty dishes at the sink. After all no one was home. Shuffling to the door, I waved to my parents, keeping my head down as I left. I am Deirdre.

12:02 p.m. January 19

She was Deidre and this was the 3rd day of her senior year. Not really outstanding in one way or another, she was a cheery and positive girl who was well liked by everyone. The lunch bell rings, 2 minutes off the schedule as usual. She hears the cluster of footsteps as her classmates leave their wooden desks and headed for lunch. Her friends soon fill up her field of vision as they ask her out for lunch. She accepts, flashing her signature eyes-closed, lips shut smile. The smile had always seemed a little out of place but her friends just joked that she had some kind of secret she might have exposed if she opened her eyes and lips while smiling. She finished packing and heads to lunch. This was Deidre.

9:43 p.m. April 4

I am a clinomania. Lying on my bed, the cracked screen of my old iPhone 6 lights up with a message. That’s strange. A message from Derek: “Are you still down to hang with us tmr? lmk!”

Wasn’t Derek the popular kid from class 3-A? All the girls in my class were swooning over him last year. The smell of the discarded instant ramen hits my nose as my fan blows it across the tiny room, scattered with discarded clothes around my bed. I pick up my phone and unlock it, curious. A long chat history occupied the rest of my night as I stuffed my homework back into my bag. Since when did I become so close to him? Apparently we were together in a group of friends, all popular kids from the names I recognise. Several group pictures only serve to mystify me more.

She had been on a mountain hike with them, taking a group picture with the rising sun on the summit. She had been on a road trip with them, a car selfie proved that, and she had even been to pubs and bars with them often it seems.

I choose to sleep on it. As usual, sleep evades me. I am….. Deirdre. Yes.

7:12 a.m. April 5

She jumps of the bed with an evidently good mood as she prepares for the day, making sure to put on just a little bit more makeup than she does usually. After all, Deirdre was going to have a fun day today!

12:03 p.m. same day

Is that Derek and the popular kids standing around my table? They look concerned…

“Deidre, are you okay?” I hear a voice.

Who is�� Am I?

12:32 p.m. April 21

The aroma of spices is the first thing that fills my nose as I head into the Indian restaurant, passing glass doors being held opened by Derek. On instinct, I drop my head and avoid eye contact, muttering a thank you as I quickly head in and find an empty seat. A hand rests on my shoulder and I shudder, not daring to look behind. I stare at the intricate carvings on the wooden table as I hear one, two, and more voices gathering around behind me. Why won’t they leave me alone like they always have? Just go and talk to Deirdre!

4:45 a.m. June 26

The smell tonight is of the fried chicken I had earlier on. As one screen flickers with mindless comedy videos before me, another lights up next to me. This time, it is a text from a group “FAMBAM!”

“Deirdre! Your new post looks amazing! 🔥”

Oh, they are looking for… Deidre? How nice to be friends with them. I’ve always wanted friends. I really would do anything to be in her position now.

5:55 a.m. June 29

I can’t smell anything. My body feels hollow. Yet, sleep evades me. My cheery ringtone penetrates the peaceful silence of the night as the phone illuminate the tears rolling down my cheeks. My cheery ringtone?

A private number hides the identity of the caller yet the caller feels strangely familiar despite having not picked up the phone yet. I sigh, and answer.

It is

Is that my voice on the other end? No, it can’t be, it sounds different. Yet, there is no doubt it’s my voice. Deirdre?

It was the first time she had shown any negative emotion as Deirdre yelled into the phone and told the girl to stay out of her life.

But I am the real one.

There was a cruel and almost sadistic tone to Deirdre’s voice as she continued to belittle the girl.

How does she know all this?

She flaunts her friendships and how her friends all accepted and loved her. She flaunts her popularity in school. She was everything the girl wanted.

Shut up. I know.

“Get the hell out of my life, I don’t want or need you anymore.”

No, don’t forget me. I am all I have left. You’ve gotten everything I You wanted.

I am

She is Deirdre.

please… I won’t lie again. you have my word.

[presidentbttrflyfreak]

healing through letting go // thomas brodie sangster

aaaaa the 2nd requested oneshot is here!! i just finished reading tmr series a few weeks ago so my emotions n pain are incredibly raw. thank you for the anon who requested this! this one is based on prompt #1 and #6 of this list (they will be in bold). don’t forget to give me some love, reblog & like to break other’s hearts too!

Warnings: tears and hEARTbreak

Word count: 2.3k 

When you arrived at his apartment, Thomas was leaning by the handrail, taking a drag. You looked at him, recognizing his matted blonde hair, arched spine and tensed arms. He should’ve been asleep by this time in the morning, yet it wasn’t much of a surprise also. You knew that he always has something on his mind, and you added to that.

However, you also had several things running around your head, knocking on your heart. As usual, tonight was another sleepless night. You laid on your bed, same thoughts as last night’s passing by your head. It’s been a couple months like this. Rest was rare, work was more than a handful and like sleep, Thomas was also barely around. You both agreed on making this last, and you both believed you could make it work. But looking at where you two are now, things haven’t gone the way you both planned it to be.

Pulling your coat around yourself tighter, you took quick steps towards him. 7 Eleven was open and you thanked God for that, allowing you to get some snacks for him and you too. Your steps must have been soundless, considering Thomas still had his eyes close, unmoving. It was about 3 am, and the breeze was colder than you expected. A cold wind blew and it disheveled Thomas’ hair even more. You caught a glimpse of his ears, seemingly cold because of its reddish tinge. He finally retreated and turned his body to the side and took another drag.

Your eyes met with his then. Your heart wrenched at the sight of them. Deeply brown and moist as if he was tearing up. His eyes always seemed like that. There were times he’d be incredibly happy and yet there was this lingering look of sadness and exhaustion in his eyes. You smiled at him as you tucked a lock of hair behind your ear. Thomas’ eyes had widened a bit but he gave you his signature grin like he was thinking ‘couldn’t sleep too?’.

“I bought some chips and sodas cause I totally knew you’d be awake by this hour.” You said, leaning on the handrail too. Thomas ran his hands through his hair then twisted his body so he would be facing you too. “Yeah, totally.” His voice was rough and raspy, proving that he probably woke up in the middle of the night from slumber.’

His hand holding the cigarette was propped on the handrail, right beside you. The smoke was lifting and so was its reeking scent. Thomas knew you didn’t like the smell of smoke. You were okay with him smoking, but he was careful never to do it in front of you. Which is why you’re shocked he hasn’t thrown the cigarette on the floor and stepped on it yet.

It was a dark and cold night. The only light brightening the place was the dim street posts. Somehow, you knew that you were one of the reasons for his waking. Thomas looked at you like he was trying to memorize you and how you looked in his head. He reached for your hand and held it tight. He rubbed it, caressing it with care. You tried to hold his gaze too, but the reek was choking you. You hadn’t inhaled smoke in a long time and you utterly despised having to smell it again from Thomas. Thomas was still looking at you in silence, an unreadable look resting on his face.

You only squeezed back to let go of his hand. Choking and coughing slightly, you couldn’t take it anymore. “Thomas, it reeks, please.”

He immediately withdrew, like he just remembered right now. “O, dear god, I’m sorry. I-I just, I’m sorry, love.” He trampled on the cigarette in panic and guilt. When he finished, he hastily wiped his palms on his sweatpants.

You held your arms open. “C'mere.”

You could see that he really regretted having done that. Thomas really understood how you intensely detested the smell and he incredibly loves you so much and made sure never to cross his boundaries. He came close and you pulled him in tight. Burying his head on the crook of your neck. “I’m sorry. I extremely hate myself now that I have broken rule number 3, never smoke in front of the beautiful lady,” He mumbled. “I got caught in a daze and forgot.”

Your heart crumpled. Had you two been this distant towards each other? Thomas just arrived in your hometown a few weeks ago. He was flying one sky to another continuously while you chose to settle here, and love him from afar. Well, you two thought you could.

You released him and touched the side of his face. “It’s alright,” you replied. You wanted to badly dismiss the incident knowing that he’ll forever look back at it and blame himself. “You up for a ‘stroll and gobble’?” You asked, holding up the plastic bag full of food and drinks.

His eyes crinkled as he chuckled. “Of course. Because 3:30 in the morning is a wonderful time to be alive.” He entered his apartment and swiftly grabbed his coat from the hook rack and shut the door behind him. Thomas took your hand in his and led you down the stairs. His hand was warm despite the weather, it warmed yours lovingly.

Your steps were synchronized as you two trudged towards the nearby park. The trees were brushing against each other loudly as the breeze blew strongly. Thomas wrapped his arm around your shoulder and pulled you closer.

“Why are you up this late? You need the sleep and rest, you know.” You said, looking up to his eyes. Thomas’ nose was turning a bit red you couldn’t help but notice it. You hadn’t seen his face in so long. He was constantly sleeping through the afternoon since he arrived. Jet lag truly took its toll on him. You would be over at his place and just watch him sleep and clean the place a bit for him. Often, you would join him and just cuddle. You tried to spend more time with him every day to make up for the moths you didn’t. His career had both its pros and cons, both in terms of income and health. And in terms of relationships.

He led you towards a bench. Both of you sat down and you brought out the content of the plastic bag, offering him a sandwich. “I should be the one asking you that. Why are you still awake? Don’t you have work tomorrow?” He asked before taking a bite from the sandwich.

You took a sip of the tea. “Well, seems like I’ll be working tomorrow without a wink of sleep.” You took a can of iced coffee from the bag and offered it to him. “Your favorite.”

Thomas only looked at the can at first. He then heaved a sigh and took the can from my hand and set it down on the ground, beside his feet. You sent him a confused look.

He wiped the mayonnaise off his lips with a tissue and licked his lips. “The doc prohibits me from drinking coffee now,” he muttered. “I experienced a few attacks of irregular heartbeats and increased heartbeats back in Korea. It’s been a few months now and my insomnia’s going away a bit since I refrained from drinking coffee.”

You couldn’t help but feel upset. You already worried enough about him being away and the jet lag that came with it. But now this? You pursed your lips. “Why didn’t you tell me? One ring and you have my ears. You know that.” Concern filled the tone of your voice.

Thomas nodded. “Yeah, of course, I know that. I just didn’t want to burden you more. All I did since I left for Death Cure was think about coming back and spending time with you and the family. I decided to focus on what coming back would bring rather than my current situation back in Korea. I’m sorry, love.” He looked up to you from the strands of his bangs.

The thoughts that have been running through your head for the past few months came back. Right at that moment, you decided to pull the string that would unravel the truth. “And what have we been able to do since you came back, Thomas?”

You heard Thomas’ breath hitch. Apparently, you were both awake thinking about each other yet you both slept on the truth that was right beneath your noses. “What happened to those plans, Thomas?” I prodded.

He leaned back and took a deep breath. “Not now, please. I don’t feel like talking about it.” You glanced at him and saw his eyes were closed. His chest was rising and falling quickly.

You gripped on your tea tighter. “We can’t avoid the subject forever, Thomas.” You stated and heaved a heavy breath. A few seconds pass before you continued. “We both believed we could make it work, Tom. And we really tried. You called, I answered. I called, you answered. But as more months passed, the situation changed. You rarely called yet I always answered when you did. I called, voicemail answered.”

Thomas stayed silent. You took this as an incentive to continue. “I know how much you love your job, your career and the people you work with. I see the way your eyes light up in the pictures you send me where you’re with your co-actors on premieres.”

“I have the same light in my eyes whenever I’m with you.” He finally decided to reply.

You understood because it was true. Thomas was genuinely happy with you. But the few months you spent together before he had to leave was not enough to fuel the longer months you two would spend apart. “I saw that, Tommy. I loved how I made you happy. And you really made me happy, more than any other I’ve been with. But as you roam the world, I’m left here to watch you fulfill your dreams as I slowly work for mine. We’re missing so much on each other’s lives, Tommy.”

Thomas was sniffling silently. You knew you hit the spot. He was the most vulnerable now. “You can’t possibly be implying that, right? It’s too early. Make yourself clearer.” He was looking at you know and he held both of your hands in his. His eyes were tearing up now and a tear slid down his cheek.

Yours came like waterfalls. “You saying it’s too early means you expected this, Thomas. You knew this happening was a 'when’, not an 'if’.” You were sobbing now, doing your best to hold it in as long as you can. “What I mean is, I’m going to stop watering a dead flower, expecting it to grow again.” You croaked, voice breaking and shoulders shaking. Thomas’ grip on your hands tightened after hearing those words.

“Dear, no. Help me, o Lord I can’t do this–” His heart was breaking and yours was too. But both of your hearts were already cracking since the day you both separated. This was just the final straw.

“It’s over, this is over.” You finally said

Thomas suddenly pulled you in a tight embrace, hearing his unsteady and shaky breaths ride beside your ear. His fingers curled around your hair and you couldn’t help but bury your head in his chest. ”This can’t possibly be happening,“ Tommy whispered through his sobs.

You clutched onto him, inhaling his scent. Cigarettes and perfume, but your Thomas all the same. "You’re home is a suitcase, Tom. And I’m afraid I was once home for you but not anymore.” Thomas’ cries louder and he hugs you even tighter. You held onto your lover and relished it for the last time. Time passed quickly and you expected the sun to rise soon.

Thomas released you and cupped your face. He looked deep into your eyes for a few seconds. His gaze broke and pulled you in again. “O dear god, I can’t afford to lose my girl, my love.” He once again buried his face in your neck. Tears were drenching your shirt and you were drenching his too.

You lifted your face up and brought it to his neck. You planted a soft kiss on his neck and just rested your head there. You were both breaking before already and now broken. The distance was holding you both back. Time was punishing and cruel but you both couldn’t do anything about it. A few seconds passed and you finally retreated from Tommy’s hold. You leaned back on the bench and Tom followed too. You took his hand on yours and squeezed it. You closed your eyes and searched for peace at the moment right there. Thomas then rested his head on your shoulder. Your breaths were now steadying and were staring at the horizon.

“I understand that we both have a lot for development. We can focus on ourselves for a while. But I promise you, love, that when I find my rest and have bettered myself as your man, and if God wills it, I will find your eyes again and see home.” Thomas said.

You both missed a lot on each other’s lives. The lack of communication tore both of you apart. Constant worrying over each other tore both of you apart. You both became mentally and physically unhealthy. Thomas loves his career but ending things between us didn’t mean that he didn’t love me too. We’re allowing time pass by as we grow in our own ways.

You rubbed circles around his palms and breathed in deeply. “Thank you, Thomas. For understanding and everything. Thank you for letting me go.”

And so you two watched the sunrise. You smiled sadly at the fact the first time you see the sunrise together on the same side of the world is the last time you probably will too.

reblog and like! hmu if u want someone to rant to about thomas! or if you want to express your opinion on the oneshot ;))

[petnews2day]

Pet Wearable Market Estimated to Reach $ 4.32 Billion by 2031 | CAGR: 8.5%

New Post has been published on https://petnews2day.com/pet-industry-news/pet-financial-news/pet-wearable-market-estimated-to-reach-4-32-billion-by-2031-cagr-8-5/

Pet Wearable Market Estimated to Reach $ 4.32 Billion by 2031 | CAGR: 8.5%

WILMINGTON, DE / ACCESSWIRE / September 13, 2022 / United States Transparency Market Research Inc. – The last few years have witnessed an increase in pet ownership, globally. Factors such as remote working owing to the outbreak of COVID-19 pandemic have led to increasing families purchasing pets for companionship at residences. Demand for pet wearable products has risen significantly because of rise in pet ownerships in both developed and developing economies, worldwide. As per a TMR study, the global pet wearable market is expected to expand at CAGR of 8.5% between 2021 and 2031. Furthermore, pet wearable manufacturers are increasing the production of products in a bid to improve product sales which could assist pet owners to track health conditions of different animals such as cats and dogs.

Transparency Market Research inc., Tuesday, September 13, 2022, Press release picture

New pet wearable product launches are helping well-established pet wearable market players in creating revenue-generating opportunities and in gaining a competitive edge over other players. South Korean start-up enterprise Petpuls Lab, in January 2021, announced the launch of new dog collar, powered by artificial intelligence.

The product has proven beneficial in detecting five different emotions in dogs by monitoring their barks using voice recognition technology. Prominent pet wearable market players are also engaging in growth strategy such as signing collaborative agreements with smaller players which are assisting the players in expanding their presence in global market and increasing their revenue shares. Furthermore, wearable device products such as Apple HealthKit and FitBit are showing capability of synchronizing with new pet sleep trackers which is assisting in identifying health disorders in pets.

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Key Findings of Pet Wearable Market Study

Rising Wearable Technology Demand Triggering Growth in Overall Market: Pet owners worldwide are adopting wearable technology since they offer extensive range of applications such as identification, behavior monitoring, pet safety, and detection of medical disorders. Furthermore, wearable technology has proven beneficial in monitoring pet patterns such as amount of calories burnt and heart monitoring. Integration of general positioning systems and radio frequency identification in pet wearables is also triggering product demand. Increasing consumer demand for wearable technology is augmenting the growth in global pet wearable market

Increasing Demand for Collar-worn Pet Wearable Devices Augmenting Growth in Global Market: Collar-worn wearable devices are witnessing increased demand, globally. Collar-worn wearable devices have proven beneficial in monitoring health behavior of pet animals and detecting the presence of medical conditions such as dermatitis. Rising consumer demand for collar-worn wearable products is triggering the growth in overall pet wearable market

Story continues

Pet Wearable Market: Key Drivers

Rising consumer need to identify and track pets is a key growth driver of global pet wearable market

Rising advancements with integration of technologies such as Internet to Things to pet sleep and sleep tracker devices is fuelling product demand and augmenting the growth in global pet wearable market

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Pet Wearable Market: Key Players

Presence of fewer leading players in global market has ensured that the competition landscape in global pet wearable market is consolidated. It is anticipated that with entry of new players in the forecast period, competition landscape in overall pet wearable market will become fragmented.

Prominent pet wearable market players are making investments in research and development undertakings that are functioning exclusively to produce improved pet wearable products that would meet the requirements of large number of consumers, worldwide.

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Some of the well-established players in overall market include Garmin, FitBark, Whistle Labs, and PetPace.

The global pet wearable market is segmented as follows:

By Type

By Application

Identification & Tracking

Behavior Monitoring & Control

Facilitation, Safety & Security

Medical Diagnosis & Treatment

Regions Covered

North America

Europe

Asia Pacific

Middle East & Africa

South America

Electronics and Semiconductors Research Reports

3D Printed Electronics Market – The global 3D printed electronics market, it is anticipated to reach the value of US$ 6 Bn by 2031, developing at an outstanding CAGR of 31.26% during the forecast period

Neuromorphic Chip Market – The global neuromorphic chip market is expected to cross value of US$ 1.6 Bn by the end of 2031, it is estimated to expand at a CAGR of 43.8% from 2022 to 2031

Cable Assembly Market – The global cable assembly market is expected to reach US$ 292.6 Bn by the end of 2031, it is estimated to expand at a CAGR of 6.2 % from 2022 to 2031

Piezoelectric Actuator Market – The global piezoelectric actuator market is expected to exceed value of US$ 1.5 Bn by the end of 2031, expand at a CAGR of 5.1% from 2022 to 2031

SMT Equipment Market – The global SMT equipment market is expected to cross the value of US$ 9.1 Bn by the end of 2031, it is estimated to expand at a CAGR of 4.9% from 2021 to 2031

Magnetometer Sensor Market – The global magnetometer sensor market is expected to reach the value of US$ 6.24 Bn by the end of 2031, grow at a CAGR of 7.5% from 2022 to 2031

Electron Multipliers Market – The global electron multiplier market is expected to cross the value of US$ 949.7 Mn by the end of 2031, expand at a CAGR of 3.8% from 2021 to 2031

Rocker Switch Market – The global rocker switch market is estimated to exceed the value of US$ 11.4 Bn by 2031, expanding at a CAGR of 3.4% during the forecast period

About Transparency Market Research

Transparency Market Research registered at Wilmington, Delaware, United States, is a global market research firm that offers the latest market research reports and business consulting services. Our exclusive blend of quantitative forecasting and trends analysis provides forward-looking insights for thousands of decision makers. Our experienced team of Analysts, Researchers, and Consultants use proprietary data sources and various tools & techniques to gather and analyze information.

Our data repository is continuously updated and revised by a team of research experts, so that it always reflects the latest trends and information. With a broad research and analysis capability, Transparency Market Research employs rigorous primary and secondary research techniques in developing distinctive data sets and research material for business reports.

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[tomboyneedshercoffee]

Love Me Back || TMR Minho x Reader

Summary: After escaping the last city, Gally and Y/N grow closer, which leaves Minho heartbroken. 

Word count: 2k

Warning: TDC SPOILERS, mentions of blood and violence, and major heartache

Author’s note: I’ve tried posting this four times and each time my computer just crashes but HERE I AM!

Thomas got up from his seat and said a quick goodbye to his friends, making his way over to Teresa who was sitting quite a distance away, looking off into the distance.

Minho stared at you longingly, contemplating on whether or not he should go up and talk to you. You were sitting next to Vince and Mary and talking to them about where the next location would be.

“ Three years Minho. You’ve liked her for three years and you haven’t made a single move,” Newt shook his head and rubbed his hands together for warmth,” what are you waiting for?”

Minho’s jaw clenched as he emptied sand from his shoe,” When the time is right.”

To say that Minho liked you was too simple, he had loved you since you pulled him out of the box. He loved the way your laugh sounded after he made a joke and he loved how you always helped the people around you even when you were exhausted.

Minho hated the feeling of falling in love with his best friend. There was never a time in his life where he didn’t have a strong attraction to you and he always wondered how different you two would be if he never liked you.

“ Now isn’t the right time? We found the Right Arm, we escaped Wicked, and we’re finally safe. I’d say this is a pretty good time,” Fry pointed out as he looked over to his friend.

Minho wasn’t too sure about anything that Frypan said- sure they found the Right Arm but he wondered if they were all actually safe. What if Wicked was closer than he thought?

“ Maybe, but I want to wait until everything calms down,” Minho sighed as he continued to stare at you.

Minho and the rest of the boys were up on a hill, looking down at the camp but even from his seat, he could still see the look of concentration you had on your face as you pointed to some spot on the map.

“ Hate to break it to you Minho but a girl like Y/N won’t be single forever,” Newt said as he put his hand on Minho’s shoulder,” you don’t meet a girl like that everyday. It’s now or never buddy.”

Minho inhaled deeply and nodded his head.

“ I guess you shanks have a point. Wish me luck,” Minho got up from his seat and brushed off his jacket.

All Minho wanted was for you to love him back as much as he loved you.

Before Minho could take another step, an explosive at the bottom of the camp went off, sending fire to spread across the ground.

----------

The ride was silent, the only noise coming from the hum of the berg and small rumbles of explosives coming from the city.

Your hair was matted with blood and sweat and you could feel the blood trickling down your back. You weren’t sure how you got your injury but you paid no attention to it since you felt numb.

You stared at Minho, who leaning up against the side of the berg, next to Newt’s body. He was the one who wanted to go back and retrieve Newt’s body and almost got into a fight with Jorge when he refused.

Minho had stopped crying, but his eyes were still bloodshot and his body was still shaking. You wanted nothing more than to go over there and comfort him but you didn’t want to see Newt’s corpse.

“ Y/N, you’re bleeding,” Gally said, his voice full of worry,” let me help you.”

You shook your head and swatted his hand away,” No, leave it. We need the supplies for Thomas.”

Thomas was unconscious and laying farther from Newt’s body with Brenda helping with his wounds. She was talking to him quietly, most likely to calm herself down but you could tell she was at her breaking point.

Gally ignored your comment and pulled the back of your shirt down so he could clean it. You winced as he rubbed the injury with alcohol but you were silent as he cleaned it.

“ Does anything else hurt?” Gally asked as you let out a forced laugh.

“ My heart..but it’s nothing you can solve,” You didn’t mean for it to come out in such a bitter tone but after everything that had happened, it just felt right.

Gally stopped cleaning your wound and gulped. All he wanted was to fix your broken heart but he knew it would be a while before you even considered the idea.

“ Sorry that was rude I just- I’m still in shock. I watched Newt die and I lost Teresa not even an hour ago and- and,” You took in a shaky breath and a few tears streamed down your face,” Thomas got shot and I don’t even know if he’ll make it. Minho is alive thank god b-but look at him. What if that’s not the same Minho? We all survived but we’re all dying does-does that make sense? I’m going to live with this pain for the rest of my life. I’ll always be on edge and paranoid and I’ll always have trust issues. I want that to go away.”

You looked at Minho who was still staring at Newt and you couldn’t contain your cries. You turned into Gally’s shoulder to muffle your cries and Gally’s arm held your shaking body.

“ You’re going to be fine. I promise, I’m going to help you through this. You don’t have to be afraid,” Gally’s comforting voice whispered in your ear and even though you weren’t automatically cured by his words, you did feel a bit better.

You didn’t notice, but for the first time since Newt’s body was put onto the berg, Minho’s eyes finally left Newt’s and onto yours. As if Minho couldn’t feel any worse, he saw you crying and being held by Gally.

To anyone else, it would’ve just appeared as a friend comforting someone but to Minho, it was too people who would end up together. And he wouldn’t be that person.

--------

You dragged a plank of wood in the sand, struggling a bit with how heavy it was.

“ Need some help babe?” Gally asked and before you could answer, Gally picked up the plank all together and put it over his shoulder.

“ Show off,” You teased as Gally leaned down and gave you a small kiss,” can you give that to Eddie? I’m going to wrap my hands real quick.”

“Yeah okay. I’ll see you in a bit?”

You nodded and made your way through the sand to the medical tent. Everyone called this place Safe Haven and even though you had only been living here for two months, it already felt like home.

Your feet sank in the sand as you walked across the beach but you stopped in your tracks when you saw Minho, staring at the water with his hands in his pockets.

You smiled and made your way over to him,” Hey shank, whatcha doing?”

Minho snapped out of his thoughts and turned his head over to you, smiling weakly,” Nothing, just thinking.”

“ Thinking about what?” You ask as you playfully bump into him.

“About how much I love you,” Minho thought to himself,” You shouldn’t be with Gally you should be with me. I could make you so much happier I just know it. We were supposed to be together, I thought we would always be together-”

“ Just about dinner, I’m starving,” Minho said instead.

Minho would never reveal his feelings to you. Sure, he could make you happy but Gally made you happy too. If he came in the middle of what you and Gally had, he knew it would ruin everything.

You clap your hands together,” Me too ugh! Rumor has it they’re making some type of beef stew and you know how much I love that.”

“Of course I know. I know everything you like and hate. You hate seafood and you always get mad when people try to talk over you. You love making kids laugh and you like sleeping with more than one blanket because it makes you feel like a caterpillar. “

“ Do you want to eat dinner together? You don’t have to but we haven’t hung out in a while,” Minho offered, praying silently that you would say yes.

Your face lit up,” Yeah! I miss talking to you and I’m sure Gally does too! Is it cool if he joins us?”

Minho’s heart shattered for what seemed like the millionth time but he did his best to keep a happy face,” Sure...You really like him don’t you?”

Minho instantly regretted asking that, why would he want to hear about how happy you were with another guy.

“ I really do Minho. He just makes me feel safe and incredibly happy,” your voice is soft and you could’ve kept going but Minho’s face looked almost sorrowful.

You punched his arm lightly and said in a teasing tone,” Don’t look so sad Min, there’s some girl out there for you. I can feel it in my kneecaps.”

Minho’s heart felt heavy and even though you didn’t  know how he was feeling on the inside, he felt that you had just ripped out his heart and set it on fire.

You’re the only girl for me, god I love you so shucking much Y/N. I’ve been trying to move on but I can’t- it hurts too much. I just want to be with you and only you. I want to be the one who comforts you, my shoulder is always there for you to cry on. I want to be the one who holds you so tight, my arms are always open wide for you. I want to be the one who loves you unconditionally, my lips are always ready to kiss. Please, just love me back. 

“ Yeah, maybe you’re right.”

[considerdaydreaming]

Update.

April 23rd 2019.

It's been a while eh?

It's 5:09 in the morning, I've been up since 3:45, thinking about some shit. So much has happened I don't even know where to be begin. Let's start with family.

My uncle who assaulted me as a child got bone cancer and died. My grandmother lost blood circulation in her lower body and is risking amputation and will most likely die in the next year or so. What can I say, life is going peachy!

The reason I am up is because my body woke me up, I guess to think about some shit.

I've been conflicted. So terribly conflicted. I came on here to vent my feelings and the first thing that I see is the last thing that I posted. I feel like there are so many signs telling me to end my relationship but it's just so hard. It's so hard. One part of me knows that it would be the better choice for myself, my friends can see it, my sister can see it everyone can see it. But they only say that because they don't know him like I do. They don't see the things that I see in him. Or do they feel the way I feel about him. They didn't wake up next to him every morning or watch TV with him every afternoon, smoke up together and vent to each other. They don't understand me like he does. Who am I going to speak to when I am conflicted? When I am freaking out about school or money? Who is going to understand me like he does?

I feel like everyone is biased because they only know my perspective of things and I only talk about him when I am upset with him, they've never hung out with him or gotten to know him because he is a very private person. I feel like it is so easy to say just leave him, when they aren't the person that woke up next to him or the person that I see every day. If I told my sister to leave her boyfriend, I know for a fact she wouldn't. And I've told my mom to leave her boyfriend before and she hasn't, in fact, she chose him over me. I hate to admit it, but I kind of understand why now. It's so hard to let go, to not have that person in your space, even if the relationship is almost toxic.

I just don't know anymore. I did something horrible to him too, it was his birth on the 20th and I left him alone. I don't know if he went out or not, but I left him there by himself and that is what kills me.

Maybe I should give you some backstory. I remind you that this is just my version of what happened. So on Thursday, April 18th, we were supposed to see each other before I went to work, I got there and he called me saying he was still off island so I should just go to work because I would be late if I waited (I started in an hour). So I said whatever and I went to work. Mind you, the whole week before this event we have been seeing each other and it's been tense to say the least. So I was pissed but it was whatever. Now before this, just to give some context, we just moved into another place together. We used to live together before but some shit went down with our landlord so we had to move to a new place. I had moved out before and went to stay with my mom and most of our stuff was in storage. When he found a place, he put down the deposit and signed the lease under his own name and got one set of keys. He told me and I that week we moved most of our stuff in, everything in storage was moved to his new place. So both mines and his. So continuing, I was apprehensive about leaving my mom again because she had just gotten used to the idea of me being back, she had moved some things out of the guest room to make space for me which I really appreciated so I wanted to ease my way back into living with my bf.

Back to Thursday, so I went to work, pretty upset and then he texts me asking me to come see him after work. So I do, after work I make my way to his place (our place) and then on my way there I text him to see if he is awake. He's not. Now, he works 12 hour days starting at 6am off island, so I don't blame him for being tired. But I don't want to be the one to wake you up after a long day, I know I wouldn't want to be woken up. And even at that, I figured what's the point of me showing up now, at 11:30 at night, full of energy while I just woke you up? I didn't want to go to sleep just yet and we both had work in the morning anyways so I figured there was no point. So I decided I wasn't going to call, I was going to wait out front and text him until he answers. I waited about 20 minutes or so and still no reply. Then, it dawned on me. Why don't I have a key yet? I live here too and this could have been avoided if I had a key. So that automatically irritated me more. He never answered so I went home, to my mom's place.

I thought about it some more and I got more and more irritated about this. I got home and as I was about to fall asleep he calls me saying that he just woke up and he's sorry blah blah blah, I'll tell him we'll talk tmr. The next day arrives, Friday I believe and I am in full petty mode, I am ignoring the calls and texts and I am at work. So he asks me if I am coming by after work once again and I bring up the fact that I don't have a key yet. This is what escalated the situation. I let him know that I am pretty pissed about being stood up twice, that if he knew he was going to be tired or that he wasn't going to meet me on time, he should've let me know instead of wasting my time and my gas. I also brought up the fact that I still didn't have a key yet. He kept beating around the bush about the key and asking me if I was coming over or not. Eventually, I got super pissed and gave him an ultimatum have a key made or I am not coming over. Only once I said this did he agree to give me his keys so that I could make a copy. Not even that he would make one for me. He used to excuse that since he is paying the rent and that I am paying the utilities, "it would only be fair". The thing is, I don't care about the money, I care about the symbolism behind the key, everything to me is about the meaning behind the action. The fact that you are fighting so hard to avoid the conversation about the key makes me feel like you don't even want me to be there. To live with him. Also, why didn't you tell me all of this before I started to move unpack all of the boxes with my things in them? Why did you wait until now? On top of that in Thursday, when I asked to see him, I had to ask to see him, he didn't even ask to see me. Which is very opposite to our relationship. ANYWAYS. This happening on top of the past week just gave me maaaad sketchy vibes. So I told him. I let him know that the fact that I had to twist his arm to get this answer out of him doesn't even make me want to share the space with him anymore because I don't feel like he is committed. Anyways a whole bunch of words were exchanged which ended in him blocking me on Messenger. So, this sent me into rage mode and we stopped speaking. The next day was April 20, his birthday. I wanted to be with him so bad but I didn't see him and I texted him that morning letting him know that I hoped he had a good birthday and he invited me over for drinks and some joints. I didn't respond and then 4 or 5 hours later, being his petty self, he let me know that he was going out instead. Now kind you, this guy never goes out. In the two years we've been together, we've never gone to a restaurant or to a movie or anything like that... At our old place, we used to live by the water and we never even went for a walk by the water. That's how little we do together.

So anyways, once again I don't respond. It's 4/20 so after work I want to get my kind off of everything that is going on so I meet up with some of my friends and we blaze and we talk and we eat and chill, it was honestly a good time, but I thought about him a lot during this time. He called me a couple times during that period and I never answered. When I got home that night I wished Hima happy birthday. He never replied. I think that night was the last time he called me. I think the fact that I left him on his birthday really hurt him and that hurts me to know that I did something like that to him. Especially out of anger and pettiness. If someone did that to me I would break up with them.

On top of that he had accused me of living to him which really ticked me off because I am not a liar and being accused of one really hurts. The next day I find out that I am blocked on Instagram. So by this point I see that he is blocking me one by one on all social media. Yesterday, Monday, I texted him as I was supposed to go by his place to pick up some stuff. I asked him to let me know when I could stop by. No response.

Now I feel like I am at a crossroads and I don't know what to do. See, these petty as arguments happen constantly between us. Our arguments have always been similar to this. Minus the blocking. He usually only blocks me when I've really really pissed him off. But it's just the fact that we are this way to each other, the fact that some incident happened that caused me to lose all my trust in him even though it "wasn't his fault" and that he hadn't tried to gain it back. The fact that he says one thing through his words but his actions speak differently, the fact that we never go out and now the key thing? I don't know... But to be honest, when he first got the place, I was the one who wanted to take things slow, for my mom. But now that I am here, everyday. I see that my mom is never home, in fact she has her boyfriend to keep her company. And now, who do I have to keep me company? Who do I have to talk to? I only saw my friends when I was with him every 2 to 4 months. He doesn't see my family, but yet I see his at least once a week. I don't see the fairness. I don't see the compromise either.

I love him. I really really do. I see my future with him, when he is not a complete asshole, he is sweet and kind and I know he would do things for me if he could. It's just not the things that I want him to do for me. He loves me, I can tell. I just don't know if it is enough for him or for me. I feel like he can't resist being who he is at the end of the day. And who am I to change who is he is? I should accept him how he is, I shouldn't want him to change. It's just I believe he can have so much potential if he just tried and if he saw himself the way that I see him.

Anyways, I got to get up and get to work. There is so much more to say but I don't have the time. Maybe I will follow up in another post today.

Until then, Jo.