#last one for now before i overwhelm myself out of rp again ;w; | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

shellheadtm-a · 5 years ago

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anon | ‘✖‘ cuz it seems like you're only willing to rp w/ people who are big on aesthetics, or 'friends only' ...

anon | ‘✖‘ the times i have reached out to you, i've been ignored... i do love your blog so, but naturally i'm hesitant because of that.

i’m gonna answer these together and be breathtakingly, brutally honest about myself here. first things first: i remade in part because this was a bit of a problem, in that so much was happening on my dash at all times i literally could not keep up with the influx of ims, how fast my dash moved, and it was incredibly, awfully, not fun overwhelming. rp started to feel like a job, and i’m not here for that. i couldn’t keep up. i was stretched thin. so naturally i gravitated back to the people i have sure, plotted things with. things i don’t have to think hard about because i don’t have to really consider how tony feels, i already know. does any of this make sense? probably not. but this is a lot of it. there was just too much, at all times, going on, and now that i’m here, on this new blog, the list of people i’m following is genuinely under a quarter of how many i was. i do regular clean outs when things aren’t clicking.

so let me clear up the main elephant in the room here that...if you’re here, if i’m following you. i want to rp with you. i don’t care if you’re 616. i don’t care if you’re mcu. i don’t care if you’re another fandom. i don’t care if you’re an oc. i don’t. if i’m here and you’re here, i want the thing. sometimes it’s gonna take some hashing out before we do the thing, however. and that all comes down to the point that scenarios that would work for an mcu based tony will not work for a 616 based one. things have to be kinda guided, i know not everyone is familiar with the comics and how astronomically different tony is. but i’m here to do that, to talk about, to explain how he’s different and answer any questions anyone may have because i am a literal tony stark wiki article. except more indepth and a better wealth of cited sources. you get me? please i am begging you - if you ever legit have questions about how comic tony is different, i am always happy and more than willing to answer them. you’re giving me a chance to do my favorite thing, which is talk about my boy.

and if i’ve ever ghosted you in an im or something, it’s by accident usually. again, i used to get...so many ims. so many. i could not keep up. i’d open something with the intention of replying and get swamped with something else and...by the time i realized i’d never replied it’d been ages and i’d look like an asshole. like i said, my dash is much, much, much smaller now. and i definitely intend to keep it that way. i’m still bad about being flaky on tumblr ims, i don’t know why my brain hates them so much. and i will say disco is literally the best place for this kind of thing, if you have it. but i’m doing what i can - now that i’m not...drowning under the weight of things - to keep up with what i have. i’m...well, probably still failing miserably, but i’m trying. there’s also the fact that i’m socially anxious, shy, and awkward. i don’t do the whole hi how are you thing very well. i do better, handle it better, if we just jump right into it. it gives me something to latch on to that’s not the social graces i lack. (as a note, you’ll probably notice i’m in literally almost no marvel/rp servers at all that aren’t exceptionally tiny and closed, and this is part of that, too.)

last two things, here we go. one, there are certain people (that shall remain nameless) that i have a lot of things with. and by a lot i mean unintentionally they make up the bulk of my drafts and inbox. we just have plotted and built so much we have a lot to say. but that doesn’t mean i’m closed to having more friends like that. let me be really clear about that. i’m absolutely here for it. and now, hopefully, with such a small dash, i can do that. like everyone else, sure, i have my friends. we happen to have plotted things more. i have threads i’m really excited about, and they get a faster turn around - strike while the iron is hot, etc. but it’s because we talk and plot that that happens. i know i’m kinda awkward, and it takes a tic to get me comfortable. i don’t do small talk at all. but honestly - i prefer being friends with people i write with because it makes it all just...so much easier than writing with a stranger. i’ve never been very good at that, and i come - originally - from an rp background stretching back to livejournal and dreamwidth where friend groups move through the community together, and all the friend groups are interconnected by some people so they merge and move and...it’s like that. it’s how i know how to operate. and i would love - and i can’t believe i’m finally gonna say it - to have a good, solid group. for continuity and plotting. a bunch of avengers rpers where we can just. set up a continuity line and run with it. would fucking love that.

lastly, here’s the the thing: i don’t give a good doodly fuck all about aesthetics. i really don’t. i like making things in photoshop, it’s fun for me. it’s a hobby. it’s relaxing some days to do nothing but make comic edits. i like comic artwork, so i make things out of it. a lot of the rpc is into it. i know some people do it for...idk. popularity points. but it’s completely incidental. i make things because i want to, not because i give a good goddamn what anyone else thinks about it. don’t use icons? cool, that’s fine. don’t have a fancy theme? great, those don’t matter. don’t make fancy promos? okay, would you like one? i like making promos. like it’s a thing that literally just doesn’t matter to me, but is also a hobby that overlaps the rpc and it is what it is.

a lot of my reticence has to do with the fact that...i worry people come here looking for a tony stark that acts like mcu tony, and uses comic artwork, and that’s not what this is. i’m a comic tony through and through, and he’s as different as you can get without a lot of core things being true. i feel like that’s probably disappointing to some people, and if it is, i’m sorry, but it’s why, ultimately, overall i was disappointed with how the mcu panned out. but it makes me really kinda...gunshy, even though i very much want to interact with you if you’re here! i do. and that’s the truth of it.

why aren’t we rping | accepting

#file //: ( anonymous )#array //: ( ooc asks )#// i had a real problem feeling uncomfortable on my own blog #// before i remade #// it seemed like #// i couldn't just enjoy rp #// there was always something #// now though?#// i feel pretty good about it #// small dash #// full of people i genuinely want to interact with #// even if i am a forgetful idiot #// if i ever just kind of #// seem to forget #// (because that's what it is)#// just nudge me #// i won't be mad about it i swear #// you're doing me a favor

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ahmyhotdog · 7 years ago

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Boat Rides & Solar Dishes

RP w/ @milessomnia }{ Part 2 / ? }{ 1

“He eats twice a day, but if you just leave a bowl of food out he’ll eat that too.” Zell leaned in a little bit closer to his mother so he could speak in more of a quiet tone, hand hiding his mouth. “Seifer swears he’s going to get fat, but I think he’ll be fine.”

Kolinka couldn’t help but giggle a little at her son’s antics. In spite of her nervousness for Zell wanting to travel with someone like Seifer, even she couldn’t ignore her son’s overwhelming excitement. That alone made her feel at least a bit more at ease. “Don’t worry, I’ll be sure to take good care of him. And I’ll play with him as well,” she said to ease Zell’s concerns.

“Great!” Zell exclaimed before kissing her on the cheek. “Okay, so there’s the boat at Balamb, then the boat in Fisherman’s…” Zell held his hand up as he started to count on his hand, talking of boats and other there’s that were running through his head about the trip.

Kolinka would turn her attention away from Zell for the moment as she would turn her gaze toward Seifer. Her hazel eyes watched him for a moment as she held her hands. She still felt mixed emotions about him, but in the end, she would step closer. Try as she might, she was still holding her breath around him. “You take good care of my boy while you’re away,” she finally said. “You know how he can get sometimes. I know he can sometimes need some extra car.” Lifting a hand, she hesitated for a moment before lifting both arms to give the ex-Knight a brief hug.

Seifer had been listening to Zell prattle on about the instructions for Jan. He doubted by the time the other got done they would need to wait long for the boat they were trying to catch. Once he was finished Seifer’s attention was on the shorter blonde’s mother as she spoke. “I’ll take care of him. He doesn’t get into as much trouble as most people like to think.” But he froze up the moment she hugged him. Seifer wasn’t used to anyone other than Zell lately giving him that kind of attention.

“Maaaaa, we gotta gooo,” Zell said as he looked over at the two. He was far too wound up in his thoughts to really think about how odd it was to see his mother hugging Seifer. He would quickly give his mother a hug and another peck on the cheek. His mother smiled when she heard Zell and hugged him in return.

“Yes, I know. You boys have fun then. And be careful,” she warned again. In spite knowing the training they both had she couldn’t help it as a parent. “Call me if you need anything.”

Seifer gave a casual wave as they left to head down to the docks. He was a bit nervous about this whole thing. Zell was excited about it though.

Zell was probably far more excited than he should have been. Heading outside there was a big smile on his face. His bag slung over his shoulder of what things he wanted to take with them. There was even a bit of a spring in his step as they walked.

“Oh man, I wonder if the boat is docked yet, do you think it is? I’m pretty sure we’re on time. I mean we checked the times and when it would be here and whatnot, so it should be here when we get there. Or I guess we could just kill time on the pier and look at the water. And it’s been getting warmer out so at least it won’t be freezing. And–”

“Zell,” Seifer had to stop his rambling. “Calm down…There’s no rush.. You’re going at a hundred miles an hour right now.”

“But I’m so–” He lifted his arms and failed a bit as if to shake the energy out. “I’m just super ecstatic. Aren’t you?”

“Nervous…But I can’t say I’m not looking forward to it.”

“It’s okay, I’ll be here to back you up.” Zell offered a smile up to the other. It was hard for Zell to keep pace and not walk to fast.

Seifer reached out and hooked his arm around Zell. “I know you will be. Just…calm down and enjoy this. Who knows when I’ll be okay with doing something like this again.”

With the arm around him Zell would slow down enough to keep pace. Taking a deep breath Zell would breath out. “You’re right.. I mean, I am enjoying this. Just getting a bit carried away, I guess.”

“See,” He pointed ahead. “We’re already at the docks. Doesn’t look like the boat is here yet.”

“I can see.” Pulling away from Seifer, Zell would walk ahead toward the docks. The breeze that blew was a little cold but it didn’t faze Zell. He was still smiling from ear to ear as he looked out at the water.

Seifer smiled lightly at seeing Zell so happy. He set down his own bag and took a seat on a bench while they waited.

Standing there he was bouncing on his feet lightly. For all his excitement, he was a little nervous, but he was doing well enough to ignore it. Instead Zell would watch the waters for a moment before turning back toward Seifer. “When we get to FH there’s this little cart on the street. They make really good fried squid! We haaave to go get some!”

He gave a shrug. “Alright. We’ll have plenty of time before the other ship arrives.”

“Have you ever eaten it before?” Taking his hands into his jacket pockets Zell walked over toward the bench.

“Can’t say I have. Though I’ve wanted to try cooking with it. Funny how hard it is to get any when we live on the coast like this.”

“That’s cause I think most of the fishing boats still head up north to fish for crab or seabass.” Rubbing his fingers lightly he tilted his head lightly. “We could try and buy some on the way home. Ah, I guess you’re right.” Zell looked back toward the water. All the while he didn’t see when a stranger was looming from behind. There was a rock in their hand before hurling it in Seifer’s direction.

Seifer hadn’t been paying any attention either. He’d been too focused on how Happy Zell was. It wasn’t until he felt the rock hit him that he noticed. “Ow..fuck…What the hell?”

"Traitor!” A voice shouted out before another rock was thrown. Hearing Seifer and the shout caught Zell’s attention. Turning around he saw a man standing not that far away. “Yo! Buzz off!” He growled.

This time the rock caught him in the head. “Shit…” This was not how he wanted to start their trip. The last thing Seifer wanted was to start any kind of conflict. He didn’t dare fight back and cause problems.

“Get out of our town!” The man yelled. When he bent over to grab another stone from the ground Zell would zip around to the bench with clenched fists. “We’re waiting for the boat! Then we’ll be out of town!” He yelled back. “Hell with the boat, go swim.” Standing upright the man threw a stone at Zell but it was more aimed at his feet than to actually hit the brawler.

“Zell…don’t give them anything. They’ll say and do what they want and move on when they get bored…” He rubbed at his head. Picking up his bag with his freehand. “C'mon…We can wait further down the dock.”

Frowning he had to take another deep breath to try and let his anger go. Glaring at the man Zell would turn away. “Asshole…” he mumbled.

“Yeah that’s it, get the hell out of here!”

“S'alright….” He rubbed Zell’s back as they walked further down the dock. “Just…Just let it go.” He was used to this. Though it had been a while.

“Is your head alright?” Following along Zell would look up at Seifer.

“Hurts like hell…Don’t think I’m bleeding or anything.”

“I don’t see any blood.” Looking ahead again he sighed. “Sorry, I thought we’d get out of here before some asshole showed up.”

“Don’t worry about it. I wasn’t expecting a smooth trip.”

“Oh…” He stopped walking when they reached further down the dock. Zell couldn’t help but look around to see what people might have been hanging around.

“Hey…” Seifer put his hand on Zell’s shoulder to get his attention.

“Hm?” He looked up at Seifer.

Leaning over he gave the shorter blonde a kiss. “It’s alright. Don’t let it ruin your fun. Okay?”

Kissed, Zell smiled. Wrapping his arms around Seifer in a hug he smiled a bit more. "I won’t. I’ll feel better when we’re on the boat. Sides, not like anyone here can really do anything.”

“Not if they want Garden on their ass….Guess that’s the one good thing about staying there.”

“Yeah, Garden can be helpful that way.”

Seifer looked back out at the water. “There’s our boat. We’ll be at FH by the end of the day.”

Looking out at the water he spotted the boat. His smile drifted a little as he squeezed Seifer a bit. “I can’t remember the last time I was on a boat…”

“I know you don’t like them. I’ll be right with you.”

He looked up at Seifer. Trying to smile again Zell looked a little nervous. “It’s just a few hours, right? Nothing to worry about.”

“…Here,” He offered Zell his hand. “Just hold on to me.”

Taking the offered hand Zell would squeeze it.

Seifer adjusted his bag as the ship pulled into port. It took the people on board a while to be ready for anyone knew to get on. Once they were the two could find a spot for themselves out of the way.

Zell was quiet as they waited for people to depart from the boat. When it came time for them to board Zell kept his gaze low if he could help it.

“Try not to think about it. Focus on something else.”

“Mm..” He closed his eyes. “I like running. Eh.. Nowhere to run on a boat.”

“Tell me about FH. You’ve been there before, right? I never got the chance to check it out myself.”

“It’s peaceful there. Like they really hate violence there. But the town seems to be filled with either fishermen or mechanics.” Opening his eyes, he looked up at Seifer. “When Garden crashed into the town they helped us fix the place up. But like I said earlier they sell squid there, and all finds of seafood. And a lot of people are really just chill there. I guess it makes sense they’re in the middle of the ocean.” Zell would continue on chattering about the town and whatever down silly facts he knew about the place. Eventually he was looking about as he normally would and looking out at the water.

“Huh…Sounds like a place I would’ve liked.”

“Oh! I gotta show you the huge reflective dish they have! I’m pretty sure it’s just there to gather solar power or whatever. It’s huuuuuge.”

“Yeah? Sounds interesting.” Seifer gave him a small smile. It was good to see Zell starting to get excited again.

“Heh, I remember when we were there, I forget whose idea it was–I think it was Selphie’s. We were going to sorta put on a show since Squall was all stressed out. So we all ended up playing music, and Rinoa was supposed to drag Squall along. I don’t know what they did since they wandered off after a while, but it was a lot of fun.”

“I doubt Ice Princess cared much for a musical…”

“I donno.” Zell shrugged. “But it was the thought that counted. And like I said it was a lot of fun playing with the others anyway.”

“….During a war like that it’s important to do things to keep up morale.”

He looked up at Seifer and squeezed his hand. “I’m glad we can do this now.”

“…What did it look like when you went. The orphanage?”

“Overgrown. There were planets everywhere outside. Inside it was a little dirty. Being so close to the water a lot of sand got kicked around.” Closing his eyes Zell tried to picture it in his mind. “It’s hard.. to remember. Like, I remember images. I remember crying, or not being happy with you.”

“…Not surprised you weren’t happy with me.”

“It was really quiet though. I doubt anyone had been there in years before we wandered there. I felt, a little sad, honestly.”

“Well…Before we forgot about it, it was our home once.”

“Yeah… Our own little gang of orphans.” He leaned his head on the other’s shoulder. “I just wish everyone was as lucky as I was. I guess Irvine was. I think he was adopted too.”

“Quistis, Selphie, Irvine, and you all found families. It was Squall and I who weren’t so lucky.”

Zell frowned and squeezed the hand again. With a terrible thought he had coming to mind he tried to push it out of his head.

“Zell?” Seifer frowned as he looked at his boyfriend. He wasn’t too keen on the expression he had. “What’s wrong?”

“With everything you told me about Cid and Edea. You don’t think…” He looked up at him again. “You don’t think they tried to keep you both from being adopted? I mean, if Squall really met Edea in the past and all of that other crazy stuff.”

“….To be honest I wouldn’t be surprised if that was the case.”

Letting go of his hand Zell quickly wrap his arms around Seifer before hugging him tightly in response.

“Huh?” Seifer hugged the brawler back. He gave a sigh. “It’s fine…Someone had to be the sacrificial lamb after all..”

“It’s not fine!” He said quickly. “We were only kids! We didn’t ask for it and certainly not you!”

“Zell…It’s over. Nothing can be done about what’s happened.”

He swallowed and leaned his head against Seifer again. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to get upset.”

Seifer pressed a kiss against Zell’s head. “You’ve a right to get upset. This bullshit didn’t just affect me. It was everyone.”

“At least we have each other.” He gave a small smile. “In spite all of the bullshit. Crazy huh? After all that crap as kids.”

“Yeah…Surprised you even bothered with me.”

“Mm, I told you when I started hanging around you I wanted to see if you were the same asshole. And you’re not. You were a lot nicer–still a jerk. I was honestly more surprised you felt the same wat that I did.”

“…I wasn’t really an asshole before. I had a reason for everything I did.”

“I-i know–I didn’t mean it like that.” He shook his head a little. “Guess I was more immature as a kid than I thought I was.”

“Well…it’s not like most of us were given a choice on how fast we had to grow up.”

“Mm, yeah.. But that doesn’t mean you can’t have any fun now, right? Or at least your own kind of fun. I know what I find fun isn’t always the same for you.”

“I have my hobbies.” He gave a shrug. “That’s enough for me.”

“Hmm…” Zell stood there in thought before smiling. He gave Seifer a peck on the cheek. “I forgot how cold it is standing on the deck.”

“You should have dressed warmer. It’s always a bit colder out on the water.”

“Ugh, but I hate how heavy clothes are. It feels so restrictive.”

He gave a sigh and stood up. “Fine…Come here.” Seifer opened up his coat and waited expectantly.

Zell smiled. Seeing the invitation couldn’t help but move in closer and wrapping his arms around the other. “You know if you wanted to keep sitting I could have just sat on your lap.”

“Would you rather sit?”

He nodded.

“Alright.” Seifer pulled Zell down with him as he sat back down.

Pulled down Zell would sit on Seifer’s lap. Smiling brightly Zell would rest his head on his shoulder. Closing his eyes, he gave a contented sigh.

“Go ahead and get some sleep if you want. By the time you wake up we’ll be there.”

“I might. I feel a lot more calmer now with you here with me.”

That made him feel better. Knowing he was able to give some comfort to Zell. “Go ahead.”

He peeked up at the blond again and just watched him for a moment quietly. The breeze felt nice on his face while the rest of him was warm. It didn’t take long for Zell to doze off.

Seifer gave Zell a little shake. “Chicky, time to get up.”

“Hm..?” Zell started to open his eyes with a yawn. “Did I fall asleep?”

“Yeah, knocked yourself out pretty quick.” Seifer ruffled Zell’s hair. “C'mon. Let’s get off this thing and find a place to stay.”

“Ok.” Standing up Zell would ball his fists as he stretched. “Mmm, I can’t wait for solid ground again.” He was sure to grab his bag.

Seifer stood up and grabbed his bag. “C'mon.”

“I aaam.” Zell was more than happy to get off of the boat.

Happy to be off, but nervous all the same. He didn’t know if he was ever going to be able to shake off that feeling.

“Yyeeess, land!” He cheered and spun lightly on the dock. In spite having been breathing the salty air it seemed different. With a smile, he turned to Seifer. “Welcome to FH!”

He reached over and ruffled Zell’s hair. “It will be at least three days before you have to get on another boat.”

“I think I can live with that. Until then we can at least eat all of the seafood we could ever want.”

“I take it that means you’re hungry?”

“I’m always hungry. But do you think we should find a room first?”

“Hopefully someone will give us one.”

"Pff, let me talk to them. It’s not like these guys have any reason to dislike SeeD. That and I remember the mayor. Hm.. he wanted us out of the city though. That was kind of awkward.” Zell glanced away for a moment before smiling up at Seifer. “It’ll be okay! We’ll do it together.”

”…If you say so.“ He wasn’t all that sure though.

"Don’t worry so much.” He grabbed Seifer’s hand and gave it a squeeze. “Just when we find a place wait outside and I’ll get us a room. I’ll tell them I just need a bed, cause that’s all we need and then when they give me the key we can go to the room.”

“…I don’t know if that’s the smartest plan, but alright.”

“Aw, it’ll be alright.” Squeezing the hand again Zell would start to walk.

Seifer followed. At least one of them was confident.

Zell was full of energy again after that nap that he had on the boat. Venturing further into the town he didn’t really look too hard for an inn. Any place looked just as good to him. “How about that one?” He asked and pointed.

“Eh…I guess? I don’t know this place so I can’t really say.”

“Mm, it looks friendly enough.” He let go of Seifer’s hand and took a few steps toward the door. “You going to be okay waiting out here?”

“Yeah, go on.”

“Kay–Be back in a sec!” Zell grabbed for the door and headed inside.

Seifer let out a breath and moved to one side where he would be out of the way of anyone who might pass by.

With being inside Zell would B-line for the front desk. He would put on his brightest smile as he looked for a clerk to speak with. “Helloooo?” He called out lightly while leaning over the desk lightly. “Can I get a room?”

A woman walked up to the counter. As she answered Zell she brushed back a bit of her hair. “Hello there. How can I help you?”

“Heey, can I rent a room? I’ll be in town for three nights before my boat ride arrives.” He leaned back when the woman came forward.

“Of course, let me get that set up for you.” She pulled out a book. “Three nights will be 1200gil. I just need a signature here.”

“Alright! Nice.” Smiling he started to fish out his wallet to get his card. “My partner is waiting outside. We haven’t gotten supper yet, so we were hoping to find a place to rest.” Offering his card Zell would go to sign his name in the book.

“Your partner? You should invite them in. I can give you the keys and the two of you can go up and settle in.”

“Oh, sure. No problem.” Thinking nothing of it Zell headed back toward the door and poked his head outside. “Sei?”

Seifer looked up at the other blonde. “Yeah?”

“I got us a room.” He smiled before starting to head back toward the front desk.

He let out a sigh and went in. The woman was just about to put the keys down on the desk when she saw the others ‘partner’ walk in. “…Y-You’re….I-I’m sorry but you’ll have to find somewhere else to stay for the night.” From a cash box she pulled out the money required to pay back Zell. “Here. Please leave.”

“Huh..?” He frowned seeing the offered money. “But Ma'am–” he tried to speak up.

“Leave. If anyone found out I gave a room to…to him. I’d be out of business.”

His frown deepened before taking the money. “I’m sorry.” He bowed. “I didn’t mean to cause you any trouble.”

Seifer shook his head and stepped back out. Once away from the building he sighed. “Told you.”

“It was worth a shot though.” He shoved his gil back in his pocket. Looking down he kicked at the ground lightly.

“…Let’s try one of the back alley places.”

“I guess there’s something like that somewhere, even in a place like this.” Zell just shrugged and smiled. “Might be on the other side of town if I had to guess.”

“Well…We can try other places but I’m pretty sure they’ll have the same reaction.”

“I just mean I’m just not sure where the back alley places are.”

“Easy…Just go where no one else wants to.”

“Oh.” he pointed up at the sky. “There’s this area that looked like there might have been a train station at one point. It leads out to this bridge with train tracks on it that Squall walked across while carrying Rinoa. There weren’t a lot of people there. If I remember, if was over that way.” Zell pointed before starting to head in that direction.

“Right…” Seifer followed after avoiding any people that might give them looks as they walked.

Zell was walking at a quicker pace this time. When they were in the type of area Seifer had described he squinted and looked down the street. “Mm, I’m sure there’s a place like that somewhere around here.” Heading down the street Zell would look at the doors as he passed by. When he saw a sign, he would stop curiously. The place looked like it was right at home with a back alley. "Uh, I guess we could try here?”

“Right. I’m not waiting outside this time.”

Nodding Zell headed inside. This inn wasn’t as nice as the one they had gone in before. His eyes were glancing to and for before landing on the guy who lazily sat behind his desk. His boots were kicked up on the desk as he had a newspaper open in front of him.

Zell pressed forward and rested his hands on the desk. “Sir? Excuse me. Can we rent a room for three nights?” The man lowered his newspaper to look at Zell and then eyed Seifer. He gave a scowl. “Sure yew can fer 2,000gil.”

“…Probably the best we’re going to get Zell.”

“Yeah. Sure.” He fished out his wallet again to forth over the gil to the man. The man counted the gil twice before tossing a key to Zell. “Wait, we don’t have to sign a book?” Zell asked confused. The man just chuckled and resumed reading the paper.

“Oh.. Um, thanks?” Looking up toward Seifer the brawler shrugged before heading to their room.

The place wasn’t the best but it would have to do. Thankfully they weren’t there for an extended stay.

Unlocking the door he headed into their room. Breathing out a sigh Zell dropped his bag on the floor and flopped on the bed which creaked.

Least the bed looked like it was going to be big enough for them. Seifer set his own things down. “If we leave the room don’t keep anything valuable behind.”

“Yeah.. I guess that would be smart.” Sitting up he sighed. “We still need supper.”

Seifer rubbed at the back of his neck. “I probably should stay here for now. It’s probably gotten around that I’m in town. If you want to look for something and bring it back that’d probably be a good idea. At least until tomorrow.”

“Mm, alright.” Zell stood up. “Like I said, there’s a lot of seafood places around. Anything in particular you like?”

“So long as it isn’t anything super sweet I’m fine.”

“Not super sweet. I think I can manage that. How about spicy?”

“Medium…Not a fan of spicy things that are all heat and no flavor.”

“Hmm. Okay.” He smiled. Kissing Seifer on the cheek Zell headed for the door. “I’ll be back sooner than you’ll know it!”

“Take your time, but be careful.”

He frowned a little. “I doubt I’ll find any trouble outside. These people here hate violence. Like I said, I’ll be out and back real quick.” Grinning, Zell gave Seifer a silly salute before slipping out the door.

It took some time for Zell to find somewhere to get some quick takeout and then to wait for the food to be prepared. He didn’t want to admit it, but he did have an easier time moving through the town without Seifer in tow. No one even bothered to give him any glances. When Zell had finally returned his hands were full with a bag in each hand. “Mm–! Help? Sei?” Zell called out as he tapped the door with his shoe.

Seifer quickly opened the door soon as he could give a hand.

“Oookay, so I got a couple of things.” With the door open Zell would come inside and put the bags down. “Food is in this one, and I got us some water in that one.” Smiling Zell would reach into one of the bags and start to pull things out. “I got you some shrimp scampi, and I got these crab cakes and some more shrimp to share if you want. But the lady in the store said they’re a little spicy.”

“….Hyne, you certainly bought a lot.”

“…I’m hungry.” He pouted up at Seifer. “I tend to buy a lot of food when I’m hungry.”

“Heh, alright. Just know seafood doesn’t reheat all that well.”

“Why would you reheat it..?” He raised a brow before sitting down. Already he was opening he was starting to chomp at his crab cake.

“Chicky some people don’t eat as much as you do. They end up having leftovers.”

“No, I mean, why reheat it? It tastes just as fine cold.”

He chuckled and shook his head. “Whatever you say.”

“What? You don’t eat cold food?”

“Depends on the food.”

“Pizza?” He asked curiously.

“Sure. Chinese too.”

“Mm…” Zell grinned. “What about chicken?”

“Chicken? Eh…I’ve done the occasional cold fried chicken but it’s not my favorite.”

“I’ve eaten cold hotdogs before.”

“Gross…”

He shrugged. “I’ve eaten cold eggs before.”

“….Okay, no just stop. Eat your food.”

Zell gave a chuckle and tried eating one of the spicy shrimp.

Seifer never really ate a lot. He mostly munched on a little here and there.

While Zell Wasn’t inhaling his food he was still eating the same amount as he usually did.

Not surprising to him. “So, what do you want to do tomorrow?”

“Mm. We could walk around town? I’m sure there’s a bunch of shops selling weird gizmos.”

“Heh, alright. We’ve got three days to kill so might as well.”

“Is there anything you want to do? We could try and rent a fishing rod if you want and try to fish.”

“Yeah? Hm…Could give it a try.”

“I’d say we could go say hi to the mayor, but I doubt he’d want to see any SeeD again if he can help it. Could walk around the old train tracks that aren’t being used.” He looked excited at the thought. “I wonder if I could climb up a train cart.”

“Probably not the safest thing chicky.”

“Eh–I didn’t say I was going to jump off of it.”

“Did say you were, but climbing on it is still probably not the best idea.”

He waved a hand lightly. “Alright, alright. I won’t climb up a train cart.”

“Thanks.”

When he was done eating Zell would grab one of the bottles of water and take a sip. “Honestly speaking, how are you feeling?”

“…Honestly? Not good.” He wasn’t going to lie.

“….Do you want to go home?” He hesitated at first in asking.

“No.” He smiled and leaned over to give Zell a kiss. “I’m not one to give up or turn back.”

Zell smiled and returned the kiss. “That’s true. You are pretty stubborn.”

“Damn right.”

“I think that’s one of the things I like about you. You’re never give of attitude. Hmm..” He leaned a bit closer to Seifer with a smile. “And your dry humor. Aaannnd, I guess you look handsome too,” he teased.

“You guess?”

He stuck his tongue out. “If I’m being honest, you’re actually kinda… theonlyguyIreallyfindattractive. Like not even Irvine.”

“Uh huh,” He closed the distance enough so that he could give Zell another kiss.

Zell leaned against Seifer before kissing him back.

“You eat enough?”

“Mhmm!” He pushed the container away. “There’s even a little spicy shrimp left.”

“I think I’ll.”

“Hm?” He looked up at the other.

“Sorry…I think I’m a bit tired. I’ll pass on it.”

“It’s okay. I can eat it tomorrow.” He smiled a little. “We could lay down? It’s been a long day.”

“I’ll be surprised if this bed doesn’t break down on us.”

“Mmm…” Eyeing the bed he tilted his head. “Well, no power dives on it, that’s for sure.”

“No kidding…”

Zell would move and settle down on the bed. He smiled when it didn’t out right break on him.

Seifer got himself comfortable before joining his boyfriend. It was holding, so maybe it would at least last them the next couple nights.

With Seifer settled down on the bed Zell would scoot up next to him. Lifting a hand, he would boop the ex-Knight on the nose. “Boop.”

“…Really? You’re going to do that?”

“Do what?” He booped Seifer again on the nose. “…Boop.”

“Pain…”

“You know you love me.” He poked him lightly on the cheek that time. “Boop.”

Seifer turned his head so he could bite Zell’s finger. Thought it was more playful than intended to hurt the other.

“Gah!” He jumped in surprise as he wasn’t expecting it. With his finger in the other’s mouth Zell started to give a silly grin. “Y'know if you wanted chicken and not shrimp you could’ve just asked.”

“I’m always in the mood for chicken….And don’t forget. You’re the one who said it.”

His face was a little pink as he tried to poke Seifer on the nose with his wet finger. “I know what I said. Doesn’t change the fact that you eat a lot of chicken.”

“Not my fault that it’s always right there.” Seifer moved so he could be on top of the other.

With Seifer moving to be on top Zell would roll onto his back. “Well, I doubt you’re going to run out of it anytime soon.”

“I certainly hope not.”

Reaching up Zell looped his arms around Seifer’s neck to pull him closer. “I’m never going anywhere. You’re stuck with chicken for life.”

When the next day came Zell was up and about. In spite of the hiccups from the day before it didn’t seem to faze him as he bounced about. It was even more obvious when he was outside again and had enough space to bounce about and hold his arms out without worrying of running into anything or bumping into someone.

Seifer let him run off ahead. He was only a few paces behind and it would be easy enough to catch up with the other if needed. Hopefully not.

Zell would turn on his heel so he could walk backward and face Seifer. There was a big smile on the blond’s face as he talked. “Let’s go check out the big huge solar dish! It’s huuuuge!”

“Solar dish? What the hell do they use it for?”

He stopped walking and looked surprised at the question. “Well, I’m sure it functions more like one huge solar panel, but it’s dish shaped, like a huge cup. I mean, we’re out in the middle of the ocean. Plenty of sunlight here.”

“Yeah,” He frowned. “But for the size of this place why the hell do they need one so large?”

“I don’t know.” Zell thought about it. “Maybe they just use up a lot of power with all the mechanics here?” He shook his head and smiled again as he pushed the thought aside. “Who cares? It’s none of our business anyway. I just wanna slide down it!” He proclaimed before taking off ahead.

“What? Zell don’t you!” Damn it…He went to chase after the blonde before he did something stupid.

It was hard to miss the damn thing. Zell was rather excited as he was skipping steps as he ran up the long flight of stairs that led to the top. There didn’t seem to be too many people about. Once Zell had reached the top he ran over toward the wall. He would hop up on it so he could sit there and start to yank off a shoe.

“Zell! What the hell are you doing?!” Seifer finally caught up.

“Taking my shoes off so the friction that would come from sliding down on my shoes won’t trip me up. I mean, I don’t want to break my neck.” With one shoe off Zell dropped it to the ground and started to take the other off.

“Stop. Put your damn shoes on. You really want to get us into trouble?”

“What are you talking about?” He frowned looking up at Seifer. “I’m not going to wreck anything. I just want to slide down. Just once.”

“Zell that’s not what is made for! Do you see anyone else lining up to take a ride down it?”

He turned and looked out at the thing, noting that he in fact did not see anyone else. “No…”

“So what makes you think this is a good idea?”

“….Cause it would be fun?” He looked up at Seifer again. “It would be like sliding down a snowy hill, but without the snowy cold.”

“This is a machine. A piece of equipment these people use. It’s not a toy.”

He held his hand out. “You can’t say it wouldn’t be fun to slide down it. It’s like a 30ft decline at least.”

“You want to screw with people’s livelyhoods go ahead. I’m going back to the inn.”

Sitting there Zell frowned before looking down at the ground.

Seifer said what he had to say. Now it was Zell’s turn to figure out for himself if what he wanted was really a good idea or not. He turned around and went on his way.

“H-hey! Wait up!” Looking up quickly Zell moved to flail to try and catch Seifer’s attention. He rocked a bit too hard as he started to tilt back a bit too far. “S, Sei!” He yelped as he rolled further back. His hand shot out and grabbed around managing to catch the edge of the wall.

Seifer looked back and cursed. “Shit…” Running back over he grabbed for Zell’s hand.

With his free hand Zell would reach out to hang onto Seifer.

“I’ve got you…” Seifer’s grip was firm as he pulled the other back up and over.

Zell would kick his feet lightly. Luckily using his foot that still had his shoe on to help push himself up as Seifer pulled. Once he was back over the wall Zell stood there and clung to Seifer.

The ex-Knight hugged Zell to himself tightly. “Don’t fucking scare me like that again…”

“I didn’t mean to.” Tilting his head back he looked up at Seifer. “..I’m sorry.”

“Sit down..”

Letting go Zell sat on the ground next to his shoe.

Seifer knelt down. He grabbed Zell’s shoe and put it back on him, carefully tying the laces.

As Seifer put his shoe on Zell watched quietly. In spite being able to do it on his own he wasn’t able to argue.

“Let’s go down by the fishing docks.”

“Okay.” Pulling his foot away Zell cried back up to his feet.

Seifer offered Zell his hand.

Zell took the hand and held onto it. “I’m sorry.”

“You’re alright, s'all that matters to me.”

“I guess climbing around on the iron beams out by the edge of the town is a no then too, huh?” He joked weakly.

“Depends on how high they are. If you can get away with just a few bruises if you fall go for it.”

“Uh.. Let’s just say it’s high enough from the water that it would be bad if anyone fell.”

“Then don’t do it.” He gave a shrug.

“I won’t..” He smiled up at Seifer. “If we go to the dock maybe we can swim in the water?”

“Maybe. So long as you don’t get in the way of any boats coming or going.”

“Huh.. I guess. Maybe there won’t be that many boats out today?” Zell smiled and started to walk again. “Or we could just stick our feet in the water.”

“We’ll see when we get there.”

Zell tugged on Seifer’s hand before he smiled up at him. “Don’t worry. It’ll be alright.”

“Huh…Uh…Yeah sure.”

This prompted Zell to stick his tongue out at Seifer. “Cheer up. No one has bothered us all day.”

“S'not just the people chicky.”

“It’s not?” Zell looked around curiously.

“…This much water everywhere. It gets to me. It’s one thing to stand on the shore and look out at the ocean another to be surrounded by it on all sides.”

“So on the boat…” Zell stopped and tugged on Seifer’s hand to get him to stop. “I didn’t realize all of this was going to be bothering you.”

“I had you. It was fine.”

Smiling he stood on his tippy toes to kiss Seifer.

He leaned over to meet Zell part way.

“We’ll keep each other safe.”

“Trying to be my hero?” He teased and poked at Zell.

He huffed and reached up to grab Seifer’s nose. “Yeah, I’ll throw you over my shoulder too.”

He pushed Zell’s hand out of the way. “…I don’t doubt that you couldn’t. Just, don’t.”

He couldn’t help but laugh. “You’re too big anyway. Your leg would drag on the ground.”

“Not my fault your short chicky.” He grinned, “C'mon. We’ll get some lunch on the way.”

“Not my fault I’m short either.” Smiling again Zell started to walk again.

#drabbles #milessomnia #seifer almasy #zell dincht

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newhologram · 8 years ago

Text

2016 diary of a spoonie

Rereading my diary from 2016 for some perspective (not ready to open my 2015 one, I know it’s going to be even more difficult). Remembering some mental places I've been and that I made it through them and I’m still here.

Here are some parts I'm okay with sharing, hopefully it will help someone realize they are not alone and that as difficult as things get, there is so much more to life than being sick even if we have to deal with it often in isolation.

It’s also good to keep in mind that when we have illnesses that affect our brain/mood, it can drastically warp our perception of the world, our lives, and ourselves. That’s why I started trying to keep a diary, to record these moments when I’m not myself, when my illnesses make me think things that aren’t true, makes me have horrible tunnel vision, and then be able to look back on them when I’m not in that mental state and try to get an understanding of it.

(warning for suicide mentions in some excerpts because Mr. Brain can be kinda bananas sometimes, it’s pretty heavy and a lot of it is me scribbling when dissociating pretty badly so I say some weird things)

This is also probably a cautionary tale to NOT BE LIKE ME, I’m a bad spoonie. I can’t believe I forced myself to have such a full schedule, no wonder my body broke down by December.

1.5.16 8:49 PM: Everything in my life is so turbulent. Why? I feel like someone cut and pasted me here.

1.19.16 2:51 AM: I barely slept. Puked a little, dry heaved a lot, sweated so much. Cried my eyes out in the shower.

I have to leave for work in 2 hours. I hope it's not a long day.

I don't know where this mood swing came from. I feel so weak. I was just crying and crying because I can't stand myself. I can't stand being me. I feel so alone and lost. I feel so stupid.

3:18 AM: Dry heaved again. I'm shivering and I feel horrible. Why does this happen to me? I thought I was done with this. I feel like I'm shriveling up.

What's going to happen to me?

1.20.16 10:56 AM: Yesterday was rough. First depressive mood swing of this year. I suddenly felt like no one would ever love me. That I’m just an immature slob. A burden. A loser. Dirty.

I don’t even have a best friend. I’m not close with anyone. I can’t organize my room or my life. I just sort of work, play games, and sleep. I’m so lonely. I’m stressed and overwhelmed. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I live in a fantasy world but really I’m just alone here in my room.

I feel so pathetic. I feel so stupid. Who could ever love me?

1.26.16 4:59 PM: Wow! Worked 7am-3:18pm. Didn’t see Miss Piggy. Again!

But since I got out so early I was able to run and errand, do yoga, aerobics, read, and stuff.

Now is definitely meditation time but I’m worried I will fall asleep. Too tired to bathe/eat.

Going to open my heart chakra! Yay!

1.31.16 5:57 PM: Holy stress. Still no word about the shoot. Aaand there was some asshole.

Gotta let it go. They don’t dictate my day. I do. Only me. I am in charge. No one else.

2.3.16 10:48 PM: No spoons for laundry or putting clothes up. I desperately need to do that. My room is overflowing with clothes.

BAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

(drawing of a newlamb)

たりないよ　(it’s not enough!)

2.5.16 10:54 PM: I feel so strange. Like I’m a thousand lifetimes apart from New. I don’t know who that person is.

I guess it’s okay not to know.

Right?

2.14.16 1:15 AM: よふかししてるの (I’m stayin’ up late)

Um... too much mental energy. Body is done and tired but my mind all よ～～～～～～～～～～！

Kinda woozy today. But I got FFX-2 running so I’ve been doing that. Maybe too much.

2.21.16 10:30 PM: Oops, 4 days of not writing in here.

I didn’t work Thursday. Friday I went to Hollywood w/ ______. We saw Frozen, she gave me my presents, we had tea and a chicken burger at Chado tea room and we goofed around doing touristy things. Had so much fun, I really missed her.

I was so tired I fell asleep at 8pm. I woke up at 3am but I was having so much fun sleeping that I just went back to sleep until 8am.

2.24.16 8:22 PM: I was having an okay day. I was doing okay. Right now I want to not exist. Two auditions tomorrow. What am I gonna do?

I wish I was never born.

I don’t feel much. Now would be a good time to do it. But I don’t want to hurt my dad.

Wish I had someone to talk to.

I’m so done. So done. So alone.

If I died a lot of people would be really sad but it wouldn’t change much.

I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be me. I hate who I am. I hate me. I’m too stupid to work retail. I can’t do math. I can’t edit, I was too stupid for editing school. My body can’t work or I get sick.

I don’t know how I’ll be able to support myself. I can’t rely on my dream. It might not come true. I’ll be 30 in 4 years—will I still be living here, relying on my dad? I’m a joke. I’m not a real adult or person.

My cats would be sad if I died. Would they understand? I don’t want to hurt them either but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on.

I’m not okay right now but I have no one. I’m all alone.

A few tears came out.

That’s all I have.

2.25.16 1:12 PM: I’m so sad right now. The pain is already bad. I don’t have money for more edibles. I had to cancel one audition because I was too sick. Too depressed. Too much anxiety.

I went to Sprouts and very nearly had a freak out. I tried to meditate. I can’t focus on editing. I feel trapped. I feel like the walls are caving in.

How am I gonna get out of this one? I’ve done it before. Time is crawling.

Bad pain spreading. Bad thoughts. bad urges. I need distractions but the problem is that I’m too depressed to actually focus on anything fun.

I can barely cry. It’s like a blockage.

FUUUUUCK!!!

(lots of scribbles)

2.26.16 12:05 PM: Much better today. Body is tired but I’m not depressed. Nope! Had a shoyuu tamago. Mm! It’s still really early but I think it’s time for a meditation nap.

3.2.16 10:03 PM: It’s March wtf... okay.

3.11.16 1:46 PM: I soar. I am worthy. My dreams will come true.

3.13.16 2:51 PM: It’s Nikki’s birthday.

I feel like all I do is edit, play games, RP, watch cartoons... :(

Even though I love that stuff, it doesn’t make me money. It makes me happy, so happy, but. Where am I going in my life?

I just feel so fragile I’m worried that if one day, my family snaps at me and says how they hate having to support me, that I won’t be able to take it. That I’ll run away, or worse. I’ve had some suicidal ideations lately. I feel like my family hates me. I know it’s silly but. Maybe at the very least they resent me.

:( I wish I wasn’t like this.

3.21.16 1:42 PM, Monday: It’s so hard not to feel like he [my dad] hates me. I keep having horrible dreams about fighting with him or other family like my sister. :(

Things will work out. Things will pay off.

Lots of pain right now. I have so much to do always. Always trying, always in pain, never have money.

Caught int he swirl.

I am something and someone.

3.28.16 1:19 PM: If I get that job it’s going to be really difficult to balance with bg work but what choice do I have? I can’t afford my bills right now.

(written out weekly schedule with a drawing of Bill crying and saying, “you can do it”)

I can do this. I can make it happen.

4.4.16 8:37 AM: Bad morning anxiety again. I kept waking up with my heart pounding. Dry-heaved a bit at 7am.

So much going on in my head. Wish I could stop it.

4.29.16 8:45 PM: Ugh!! MOOD DOWN, CAN’T FOCUS!! SAD!!

5.29.16 12:25 PM: Wow. Really been in la la land. Mood crazy. My period came 11 days late and I am 900% sure I felt a cyst pop.

I haven’t been meditating... I really need to get back into it so I won’t fall apart. also I lost out on 3 bookings, ugh. :( It’s just a dry spell. It will get better.

I just want to cry in bed. A lot.

6.13.16 8:52 PM: Whoops. I have no memory of actually writing that last post.

Still having a hard time with this summer depression... Trying to hang in there.

I had 2 insane customers stress me out the past 2 shifts. Shoots are still only about 1/week...

I’ve been keeping busy despite my health though. Been editing and stuff a lot, though rest breaks get me down.

BUT SO. I moved my room around. Don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.

(drawing of my room before and after)

So much nicer. I think I’ve been sleeping better. And now there’s not all this junk space under my bed or to the side. Love it!

Well so... Friday I had a bad audition. It sucked so hard. Had to cry, tried to prepare, couldn’t cry... fuck.

Whatever. Life goes on. My confidence has sucked lately.

Sigh (drawing of New in lamb hat with eyes full of tears)

There was a bad shooting. Worst in US history, at a gay club in Florida. 49 dead. The whole world is crying. I feel numb.

6.14.16 11:45 PM: I love my dad more than anyone in the whole universe. He has done so much for me and other people. He deserves the best love. He deserves to be happy.

I’m so sick of women hurting him like this. He tries so hard to make things work.

I hope he’ll be okay.

I just want him to know how special he is.

6.28.16 1:11 PM: Colonoscopy and upper endoscopy in an hour. Period started. Depressed.

Keep making mistakes at my part-time job. Worried. Stressed.

Tuesday now, been eating nothing but jello since Saturday.

Just feeling really down about my situation. My health, work, school, friends. Everything.

I hate the snarling monster inside of me. I hate who it makes me. I hate myself for yelling at my dad yesterday.

I just really don’t like myself.

What can I do?

7.1.16 1:20 PM: Shooting a chronic pain thing in my room right now.

Camera in my face.

Feeling tired but pretty good.

7.24.16 10:38 PM: There’s so much to say but it’s late, gotta take my meds, and I got a shoot.

I release pain. I release guilt. Namaste.

8.11.16 2:22 PM: Why do things have to be so hard? I’m trying my best. I really am. But it’s not enough. Will it ever be enough? Will I ever live alone, be independent, be happy?

I feel like my dad resents me. I know he loves me but I just have so much pain and guilt for existing. I know I am capable of so much more and that life has so much to offer me... it’s just so hard.

9.3.16 8:17 PM: Hooey, it’s September. 3rd week with no bookings, taking an extra day at part-time job.

Since I’ve had all these days off I have been dividing my time to get things done, rest, play games, better myself. Even just a little at a time is good.

9.11.16 11:13 PM: Finally got work. Which means I worked 5 days. Yay.

I’m still trying to improve my writing. My problem is I never really have a plan—or I get stuck at words, instead of just writing.

9.12.16 10:49 PM: Oh, hell... My agent called today, I got booked on some shoot. But it’s for tomorrow, so. I can’t since now I work Tues as well. So last week I worked SUN, TUES, WED, THU, FRI... hooly shit. No wonder I feel awful.

Of course when I tried to talk to ___ about it they made me cry. Fuck. Been depressed all fucking day. Fuck fuck fuck.

I’m okay. I have distractions. I have coping methods.... I have myself. Soon is paychecks. I’m okay.

Tomorrow is... let’s see.

7 AM wake, meditate, yoga 8 AM tea, tumblr 9 AM edit 10 AM read 11 AM rest 12 PM ?????

I can do it.

9.23.16 12:27 PM, Friday: My body is struggling to keep up w this schedule.

I worked Sun Mon Tues Wed, had yesterday off, now I have to be at a shoot in a few hours. I’ve had to seriously up my self-care game to be able to do this. Tomorrow is school and acupuncture. I’ll be wiped out.

But... money! Also I’ve been meditating a lot with amethyst and rose quartz.

(a row of crystals)

On Mon my shoot was so hard, I was having such a rough time but then I met two cool Japanese women. One is Michiko Nishiwaki, a famous stunt woman. She and the (other) Michiko seemed really impressed by me and want me to get on TV. Yay.

Okay, I feel woozy so it is time to read.

10.11.16 12:12 pm: Last week was two kinds of intense.

SUN-WED: bad depression. bad pain. bad bad bad.

TH: Doc, got dmv handicap parking placard, bloodwork, x-rays, narcotics. FRI-SAT: pain so easy, feeling happy.

SUN: pain back after good massage

Now I’m feeling depressed again.

I’m so scared for my future. I just can’t bear the thought of still being in this situation at age 30.

I don’t know what I’m supposed to do.

10.20.16 12:30 PM: I booked a short film. Happy about it but feeling depressed about my health again.

It’s like a merry-go-round.

(sad crying face)

10.31.16 11:46 PM: (arrow pointing to previous entry) I don’t remember writing that. HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

Well. Tomorrow is November.

Yikes. Where was I last year around this time? Only doing bg, no vlogs to edit. No Overwatch.

What did I do during down time? How did I keep sane?

This year has brought a lot of change, but ti’s easy to see it only as the same because my career is so slow going.

Just keep swimming.

11.25.16 4:15 AM: I start my hostessing job in 5 hours. New job. 3rd job.

Idk. I’m so sad rn. Anxious. Woke up w racing heart. Pukey. I wanna cry.

I didn’t do anything wrong.

12.1.16 9:48 PM: I threw up a lot, just now recovering a week later.

Things:

New job: shift got cut Tuesday

Universe made up for it by having casting call me with work. Cult member. Very far but this should be interesting.

Doc today gave me gave more tramadol + xanax ☆ Nice.

it’s December wtf

Made a Patreon

12.12.16 10:02 PM: Energy is focused. Going to set up 2017 to be a great year.

12.16.16 3:07 PM: I intend to heal. I feel terrific. I love myself. I release guilt. The universe supports me. Today I expect that something wonderful is going to happen.

My Dharma is to guide, inspire, teach, and help.

All is perfect. All is well.

#spoonie #chronic illness #fibromyalgia #narcolepsy #invisible illnesses #personal #teku #long post #suicide mention

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