personal-growth-yeah - Tumblr blog

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 27th, 2020

I can't take this fucking site anymore.

He's 17.

Fuck you commie fucking pricks. You attacked him. You fucking attacked him.

I'm not uninstalling. But I'm not coming onto this fucking hellsite unless my friend sends me something.

Fuck all of you.

*

Breakfast was a spicy chicken sandwich and irish blend. Lunch was a piece of salmon jerky. Dinner was shepherd's pie.

I don't want to be on here. I'm instantly unfollowing blogs that piss me off. No more sentimental clinging.

He's not a murderer.

He was defending himself.

Fuck you.

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 26th, 2020

Wow. I totally forgot to write today.

We went shopping this morning. Breakfast was chocolate croissants. Lunch was pizza and then mashed potatoes. I'm. Fucking stuffed.

I've been playing Sims all day. My legs are so so itchy. Am tempted to buy a Sims bundle. Just gotta decide on the other packs. Hrm.

I cut trees today with my string saw thingie. Got cactus prickles alllll over my gloves because I am dumb.

*

Dinner was breakfast. Hash, biscuits, gravy, eggs, bacon.

*

HOW

HOW DID I SLEEP THROUGH ALL OF THESE FUCKING ALARMS

WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK THIS ISNT FUCKING FAIR

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 25th, 2020

Homeward bound. I finished off the rest of my Twisted Tea after waking up. Yeah, morning drinking. Whatever. I ate some popcorn chicken for breakfast. We're going home along the Kentucky border. I need to pee.

Mom talked this morning about how, if I didn't exist, she would have never gotten the house. Her and dad would have gotten an rv and gone exploring. Great. Now I hate my own existence even more than I already did.

We keep talking about survival. My best friend and his roommate have an idea to move into an apartment with me (and maybe my fiancé) in October. Mom is so sure that the apocalypse is going to start in November. And I can only look forward to my farm.

What if I'm with those two when shit hits the fan? What if Mr. Roommate does something stupid so it's just me and Best Friend? What if I see my fiancé die in front of me and Best Friend has to drag me away while I'm sobbing and plotting revenge? What if that's how we end up together?

Why am I so dead set on making myself sad?

*

Home. I missed this bed. I missed it so much I went and passed out immediately after lunch. Lunch was thin crust pepperoni and 3 meat pizzas from Lil Caesars. That's likely dinner too. I don't want to leave my bed for hours now. So cozy. So comfy. So free to be me.

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 24th, 2020

Today, we go to Oak Ridge. I'm super excited.

I started a sexy fic last night. It's between my werewolf oc gal... and my best friend's half angel/son of Satan oc. Why are there so few humanoid male x female werewolf fics? Sigh. I'm trying. I hope it's good.

*

More Wiegel's. Another Big Boy. Got the sausage egg and cheese one this time. It wasn't as good.

Lunch consisted of a few popcorn chicken since we ate late after coming back to grandma's. We went to see the Friendship Bell in Oak Ridge. That was super cool. Everywhere else were stops for mom, so, I don't exactly remember everything. I know, I'm an asshole. But my best friend wanted to plan rp stuff. I can't ignore him.

He means too much for me to just ignore him.

So why do I sometimes ignore my fiancé--

*

I hear Mom and Grandma talking about me again. Something about how I was working until 8. As if that was my fucking fault. Leave me alone. I want to stay up here and starve. I want to message my best friend and rp and starve.

*

Shoot me. We watch a video on a really fucking cool fantasy park in Utah. I'm enamored. It's so cool. So so fucking cool. And my grandma is mocking the entire thing. "People actually spend money to go here?"

I want to die...

*

Dinner was... odd. Grandma made it. It was 2 parmesan fish sticks, a handful of cheese cubes, some sweet potato tater tots, and some cottage cheese. Just... kinda weird.

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 23rd, 2020

Boring day. I mean, yeah, shopping at the Island was fun. I tried moonshine but the entire time is a blur. My memory is falling apart. I bought a trivia game to ask Mom loads of questions on National Parks. She seems happy and I like talking so... win-win.

But what if I'm just annoying her?

My body is hating me. I miss home... at least my bed. And my bathroom. And my kitchen. The video games, the tv, whatever, I don't care. But I want to be able to imagine my rp characters more properly, and it's hard to do that in unfamiliar settings where my mind can't focus.

Grandma's neighbors are SO FUCKING ANNOYING.

Breakfast was a Yahoo. Lunch was 2 and 1/3 slices of the Hey Dude (sans Jalapenos) at Mellow Mushroom. I drank moonshine today. I wish I could drink myself into a numb stupor. I can't believe it's nearly dinner time. I'm so tired.

*

What if he doesn't like his gifts? 100 proof moonshine, a neat little bottle with his name on it...

Why do I want him to love me?

*

Dinner was mac n cheese. I added extra bacon and cheese and it was suuuper yummy. We also had mini corn dogs. For dessert, we had these lil chocolate cake things that I put in the microwave.

...It's getting harder to write this. Harder to want to write this. But I know I must. I can't show this blog to anyone I know. They must not know.

*

How do I sleep through so many alarms? Why do I bother when he won't message back?

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 22nd, 2020

Set out and hit the road right around 5:30. Destination: Whitesprings Resort. Aka, the Greenbrier!

I'm such a Fallout 76 nerd. I wish the game was better. Romping around West Virginia with my friends gave me so much joy for such a short time. But then it all became chores. Inventory management. Adhesive farming. Eugh. Maybe I should just go back to 4. I absolutely desperately want to build Andromeda's West Virginia farmhouse but the snapping and such is suuuuch a pain. I need to build it in Sims 4 but I also gotta build a couple other houses first. So much to do.

Come on, Sunshine. Focus on the road ahead. You're going home. Enjoy it.

*

Oh, yeah. Breakfast from Weigel's again. That yummy biscuit wrapped sausage, and also the ham and cheese biscuit. Irish Blend monster. God that blend is..... fucking yummy.

*

So. Not many updates cuz I was busy busy busy.

We went to the Greenbrier first. Absolutely GORGEOUS! So pretty. My pictures from the car were pretty good! After that, we ate at Wendy's. I had a 10 piece nugget and the rest of mom's burger, along with a large Dr. Pepper I had to pour out later.

From there, we went to the New River Gorge Bridge. Also stunning. Just. Words can't describe how big it is. From top to bottom, you can fit the Washington monument, plus two Statues of Liberty, with 20 feet to spare. We parked by the river and walked to get better photos. I hope my polaroids look nice.

After that, it was on our way back to grandma's. So many backroads, we took 11W, aka Lee Highway. There are some of the coolest oldest buildings along there. I would have fun making an entire vacation just out of that highway. Dinner was an Arby's double roast beef plus curly fries and a coke.

Depression hit about midway as Grandma's words sunk in. "You don't need a man to make your life great." Yeah... I know. I know I don't need one. But I want one. I want my fiancé around. I want my best friend around.

*

It's my best friend's 21st birthday today. I forgot to wish it. My fiancé wished it first.

My heart ached. I wanted to break down. How could I forget? How could I be so stupid?

He's drinking right about now. With his best friend. While I sit here, wondering if a drunk confession will slip. Will he tell me he loves me? If he does, will my fiancé change his mind?

Why am I like this

*

Strawberry kiwi smirnoff good

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 21st, 2020

Breakfast was a bacon egg and cheese croissant, plus the rest of my rosemary cheddar crackers.

Lunch was shrimp California roll sushi, plus a nice little meat stick and a half can of twisted tea.

I am. So sleepy. I just napped for like 3 hours. My head is compressed. My body exhausted. This bed is not supplying much rest. I keep waking up with headaches.

We shopped at Food City today. I was a total kid in a candy store. Their selection was beautiful. They have a butcher. A sushi bar. Fresh seafood. So so so much fresh produce. Amazing.

*

Dinner was fettuccini alfredo with bacon and breadsticks. I also cooked up shrimp and mushrooms for grandma and I. So tasty ahhhhhh.

Nobody else likes my wine lmao. Its so minty but I can only drink a little bit before my palette is like "fuckin slow down, stop, please stop." But if I can enjoy it for a few sips, that's a hell of a lot better than all other wine I've tried.

I just wanna roleplay more with my best friend. I kept sending him whump aesthetics. I want one of my characters to get absolutely broken. Why? Because the thought of her girlfriend being there for the aftercare is too beautiful.

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 20th, 2020

Today has been pretty good so far, despite the headache I've been staving off. Mom showed me a weird paranormal sighting on a live cam this morning. It was... spooky as fuck. Breakfast was two pieces of marble cake bread stuff and two lemon crullers.

We first headed to Knifeworks taking some super cool backroads. I got a deer-skinning fixed blade knife. It's soooo pretty, I love it so much. She got a pirate flag to hang in our front yard. We talked so much about survival gear. I got myself some rosemary cheddar bites and some pistachios.

After that was Gatlinburg! We parked at the visitor center (I bought a magnet, some cookbooks, and a bear mask) and rode the trolley in to Buckboard Too! She got some nice Beatles stuff once again. I like seeing her happy. We hit up Ranger Bob's and All Sauced Up afterwards, then the Little Bear Winery. Turns out, I like at least one wine - their Summer Delight. It starts out minty, then its a honey taste, then it ends with lime. I feel like Violet and the meal gum from Willy Wonka when I talk about it. I bought a bottle of it!

Finding a trolley to Sugarlands Wine-tasting was a bitch and a half. We were apparently in the wrong spot and it took like seven trolleys before someone accurately and properly explained where we wait at. Yeesh. It started raining on the way and I was definitely tipsy after those wines. I wanted to throw up a couple of them... not fun. None were tasty. Am sorry. But I was soooo tipsy afterwards, I bought like 3 snacks - Combos pretzel pizzeria flavor, a Mr. Goodbar, and this weird chocolate covered bacon.

We caught a ride aaaaall the way back to the visitor center and got back in our car, and we tried going to the Island but... Jesus Christ. Today started the Jeep Invasion, apparently. So. Many. Jeeps. So we said screw it, Goats on the Roof time. I bought so many bumper sticks for my eventual truck, along with a new wallet and a walking stick.

Now we're heading back to Grandma's. My head still aches and I'm super hungry. The Vermont mac n cheese is calling my name. Marie Calendar, you have a hex placed on my stomach. I crave.

*

I'm still hungry. Ate that mac, ate a cookie mug cake after a little nap. But, after more BC powder and a coke, caffeine has magically kicked in when it never has before. I'm so awake. All I want to do is talk talk talk.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a day of rest. But will I even want to rest? I may end up doing a walk around these apartments. I feel so restless all the time.

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 19th, 2020

IT'S TOO FUCKING EARLY

*

Okay, it's not as early anymore. We've head out with grandma, I ate a lot of cinnamon bites before we went to Weigel's and I bought... more food. I got an Irish Blend monster, vanilla coke, and two amazing creations.

The first is called a Big Boy. Take a hot dog sized maple sausage, wrap it in a biscuit, bake.

The second reminded me of a kolache, but it's biscuit too. Ham, egg, cheese. The cheese was so good... I want to take a block of cheese, cut it up, put it in biscuits and bake. No meat. No egg. Just CHEESE. Mmh. yum.

*

So..

So I grab my phone after leaving it sit alone for a bit, ready to message about how I started crying, realizing I am in love with my best friend. And my fiancé had sent me a youtube video, the lyric video for "Your Call" by Secondhand Serenade. I'd never heard it before, but I grabbed my earbuds and listened.

Let's just say I'm crying harder now.

Why can't a poly relationship work? Have my fiancé as a lover that stays home, have my best friend as a lover that travels with me. Because my fiancé isn't a traveller. He doesn't have that wanderlust. He wants to plant his roots and grow. But my best friend, he understands my desire to travel, to go and leave for weeks at a time.

But my fiancé doesn't want his friend dynamic with my best friend to change. And I don't even know if my best friend is remotely interested in me romantically. They don't have to interact romantically. They don't have to treat each other differently.

I keep imagining a scene. I go to my best friend's house, it's just me and him. And we get drunk off our asses and I sob into his arms about how much my heart hurts. He hasn't seen me that truly vulnerable yet. I want him to. I've bared my heart to him over Xbox chat. He's heard how depressed I get after my fiancé ragequits or shuts himself out. The idea of crying while I'm in his arms gives me a feeling I can't even articulate.

*

Another scenario. I'm drunk, I pass out in his bed. He wakes me up, brushes my hair out of my eyes. I tear up. "What's wrong, Sunshine?"

"I can't tell you," I say, smiling so sadly and crying harder.

"...You can, it's okay..."

"...I love you."

*

Went to cousin's. I'm jealous of his house, of his life. Grandma loudly said that I need to leave my fiancé. I nearly cried in front of everyone. Ate from Pal's. Had their large frenchie fries, plain double big Pal with cheese, and a large razzie coke.

After that, we went to Bay's Mountain. Saw the wolves though they didn't move much. Also saw deer, a fox, cute turtles. The otters weren't out, so I didn't get to show my best friend... bought a necklace in the gift shop, a raccoon. "Transformation, Adaptability, Dexterity, Curiosity." Transformation... the word is a sweet honey on my lips.

Am I even a best friend of my best friend? I know his roommate is his main numero uno bestest friend in the world. Where do I fit in anymore?

He doesn't love you, Sunshine. Just give up.

*

1. A nice little house, 10 to 15 to even 30 miles out of Smyrna.

2. Closest neighbor is about 100 yards away.

3. I want an actual fucking backyard.

4. I want a fence, maybe a sectioned fence too, because...

5. I want goats.

6. I want chickens.

7. I want a dog.

8. I want a garden.

9. I want room to practice archery.

10. I want a shed where i can paint, write, work on guns, work on my bow, clean my hunted kills.

11. I want to cook with a lovely little kitchen with said kills and with ingredients from my garden.

12. I think I even want a truck, not a big one, small and one i can actually climb into the bed of.

*

I am hurting in my soul. Deeply. She doesn't understand me. She never. Fucking. Will. They will never understand me. None of them. But my best friend does. He really does. Is this why I love him? I don't know. I don't care.

I say I don't care if anyone is there with me. It's a lie. I want him there. I want my best friend there. I don't care if my fiancé is there. I don't care if she is there. I don't care if they don't help me with the farm. I just want to be me.

I just want to be ME.

*

Dinner was cream hamburger. Grandma and mom are discussing the death of small girls. I want to be alone. I want to be alone. I WANT TO BE ALONE.

I WANT TO BE ALONE.

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 18th, 2020

I wish I could remember everything I wanted to mention.

Woke up at 5. Hit the road at 6. Took so so many backroads. The fog was rising up off of the little ponds and lakes like some sort of mystical mist. All of these farms and houses and land, so much land, land my brain forgot existed. Why did I want to leave Tennessee when everything I want is right here???

Saw a dead raccoon on the road. Poor baby...

The See Rock City barn I saw was huge! And for a while, this oooold af Ford Truck was behind us on this mountain backroad, it was so cool. Listening to the Beatles was incredibly enjoyable and relaxing. The Piggly Wiggly we went into had a Faygo machine outside and had beefsticks for $0.99, I bought six lmao. Also got spicy chicharrones and got mom two Boston Cream Pie yummy tasty cake things. When we went to Wal-Mart, which was before Piggly Wiggly lol, I got a bacon egg and cheese sandwich, Mean Bean monster, and two new bandanas. Breakfast also consisted of a cheese danish and a slice of lemon cake.

We got to Grandma's around noon, ate mashed potatos. My thighs are sooooo sore. The cats here are nice. They're Mo's sisters. But I don't see Mo when I look at them anymore. I just see Belle and Fluffy.

The views on some of those roads are amaaazing. Glorious, beautiful, you can see for MILES. I'm falling back in love with this state... or, in love for the first time. So much farmland, hunting land. I can escape the suburb and not even have to go that far. I don't even have to go to east Tennessee! It's just right there, right in my back yard! Why does no one tell me this shit!!! If I can live closer to the gun range too, count. Me. In.

*

Dinner was mac n cheese. Ate all six beef sticks over the course of the day. Jalapeno was preeetty good.

*

Why must depression kick in so fucking hard out of nowhere?

Why is my best friend looking more and more like a better boyfriend than my current one?

I hate this. I hate feeling like this.

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 17th, 2020

I woke up at 4:30 to go fishing. There was traffic on the freeway. I ate a sausage egg and cheese biscuit. We hiked off the side of the road to reach a spot to fish. No bites there. Dad fell by the truck... I nearly cried. I screamed "DAD!" So loud. He's fine, landed on the backpack which probably saved his spine. I don't wanna think about it more.

The next spot was a state park. The sun was beating now on us and reflecting off the water into my eyes. I walked a trail for a better spot, clutching my knife and my alarm so dearly. People scare me. The seams of my wool socks dug into my toes. I hated the feeling.

We switched spots again, to a boat dock. Actually got bites there. Caught 3 fish - though, it might have been the same bluegill 3 times. Dad says I caught two, but I didn't. He handed his pole to me on his second one and told me to reel it in the rest of the way. He sunk it, it was his catch, not mine. I want to fish off a boat. There were big fish flopping in the lake ahead of us. Taunting us.

Lunch was Arby's. French dip and curly fries, unsweet tea with lemon. I feel dehydrated.

*

Passed out around 12:30, woke up at 2:30, still in bed at 4pm. I'm not sleeping enough at night. My body is weary. And I leave tomorrow for my trip with Mom. I hope I don't drag her down...

God I need to shower.

*

Dinner was more of that chicken. I will NOT miss it. Did I fall back asleep? Dissociate for hours? I actively can't remember what I did after I ate. But I know I ate breadsticks. And showered.

I'm missing Orisa's cute skin cuz of the trip. Oh well I guess. I want Demon anyway.

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 16th, 2020

Wait. 16? I thought my Universal Yums box was supposed to come yesterday. Do they ship on weekends? Where's Koko the Cat, too? I want my items ;-;

I keep thinking about one of my OCs. She's pregnant right now. It's making my brain drift into her husband being hella into the pregnancy so they have a LOT of kids. I mean, he's the last of his race. Propagate.

Woke up at like 7:30. Maybe I'll go measure my weight when I get up. I doubt it's changed. I haven't exactly exercised lately.

*

My chicken is in the oven! My polaroid works! And I wanna go back to playing sims! Star just had her baby and damnit I wanna make them make more babies. But also I wanna make Ara and Gray so they can have a baby. Not enough time in the day.

Especially since I have to pack for fishing and my trip >.> Oh well. I'm somehow relaxed. Though my phone is nearly dead. Rip.

Lunch was leftover funeral potatos. I can't remember if I ate breakfast?

*

The chicken is done! And the seasonings are... kind weird. I don't like lemon zest. Why did I add it?

*

Dinner was enchiladas. I only ate one. Wish I ate two. Hungry as hell. The chicken definitely tastes weird. Fucking oregano. Why did I add that????

I napped from like 6 to 8. I was playing sims most of the day. Star has had three babies and two are vampires. She gonna have a lot more.

Games are going... okay. I'm doubting my support abilities. Making lots of dumb decisions.

Have to wake up at 4:30 for fishing. Am excited.

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 15th, 2020

Sigh. Hate my parents.

Woke up at 8:30. Head hurts. I posted this to the wrong blog so I completely lost the paragraph that was here. Just. Parents at each other's throats.

Maybe hate is too strong of a word. Just. Mildly disgruntled with them. Annoyed. Frustrated. Wish they were different. Kinder. Less stupid. Because yes Mom, even with your holiness and grandios of your vast intellect, you are FUCKING STUPID when it comes to Dad. Why can't you see that he's your husband, not your jailer? Why can't you tell that he loves you? Do you even love him?

God I'm so hungry.

*

Breakfast was a bacon egg and cheese sandwich from gas station. Irish Blend Monster is soooo good oh my god. My friend wasn't lying haha. Lunch will be Lil Caesars. Yum yum. Head vaguely hurts. Wanna sleep. Wanna eat. Wanna fade into non-existence.

Mom is planning the route for our trip. I got to go to a marina today. The people were nice I guess but they only rent pontoons. And the other rental place only rents on the weekends. Guess we're shore fishing Sunday morning. That's okay though, I've never fished on a boat. Did get my license today, though! Got to tell my shotgun story again. Turns out I shot a 12 gauge and will be getting a 20 gauge. Numbers are hard. I just wanna be cool.

Maaan, imagine if I get so good at trap and skeet that I do competitions and win! That'd be so cool!!

*

Not much happened in the afternoon. Long nap. Made Salisbury steak and funeral potatoes for dinner. Watched Escape from New York and Escape from LA. Made some cute art of my OC with my friend's OCs. Gamed, passed out around 1 or so. Not much reflection. Lingering guilt in gut for not cleaning.

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 14th, 2020

Didn't walk today. Passed out at 12 and woke up at 7. Today. Today has been amazing so far.

Breakfast came from a gas station near Wal-m@rt. I had a cheese danish and a hot dog. Got my Mean Bean monster.

I went shooting with dad. Archery was fun, but tiring and a little frustrating. We upped my draw weight but idk what its at. Probably 15 lbs? It's haaard. And my scope won't work well til I can pull heavier.

After archery was trap shooting! Little clay targets that fly away from you and you shoot with a shotgun. Dad went 20 for 22. And I wanted a turn. Now, I've never even held a shotgun before today. But I fired once into the woods from the hip to feel the blast. And I was like. I want to try to shoot trap. So. He pulls. I shoot. BAM. CONNECTED. And another, BAM!!! I went 2 for 2 on my first ever time shooting a shotgun! Dad was absolutely baffled. My arm is killing me because I'm too small for a gun that kicks like a mule. But. I don't care. I haven't smiled that wide in so long.

After that was his .22 scoped rifle. He sighted it in and I fired 4 20 round mags. I had such a nice grouping on all of it that he was once again baffled. I'd only shot that gun one time before, nearly a year ago. And yet I'm fucking amazing! I'm so happy. I feel so so cool.

Lunch was Sonic. Chicken dinner. They forgot my onion ring. I mean I don't usually eat it but.. c'mon. Also, so few fries. ;-; They all said "Cheesecake Blast" with apprehension. It was weird.

We saw a dead cat on the road near our neighborhood. I hope it's not Fluffbutt or Mama. It looked mostly white with dark tips. Dad tried to say it was a squirrel. But it was a cat. I know it was. She wasn't sunbathing.

Why does death follow me?

*

Slept from 3:30 to 5:30. Didn't get to make dinner. Ate leftover shepherd's pie. Still hungry.

Watched random YouTube with family. Watched Guns Akimbo again. Beautiful movie.

Will games happen with friends tonight? Don't know. Not much inward reflection tonight. Just a fun day.

[personal-growth-yeah]

August 13th, 2020

Fell asleep around 3 am. Woke up at 5 for a walk. According to app: I walked for 27 minutes, I burned 302 calories, I walked 1.81 miles.

Weighed self before shower. 201.4 lbs.

Plans for the day:

-Cook breakfast

-Shopping at Wal-m@rt

-Shopping at Sp0rtsman's W@rehouse

-Cleaning room

-Cook chicken

-Wash bra

Remember. Allow myself to breathe. To slow down, think, reflect. Don't rush. Don't rust.

*

Breakfast was two scrambled eggs plus a glass of cranapple juice. Making the eggs was fun. I heated up a little bit of oil before cracking the eggs right into the pan. Then I broke the yolks and stirred with chopsticks. I then added a splash of heavy whipping cream and kept stirring until it was cooked, then added a splash of soy sauce. I topped it with a sprinkle of triple cheddar cheese after getting it onto my plate. Eating eggs with chopsticks is hard.

*

Parents are already arguing. Dad rushed Mom to get ready and Mom told him that I should have been the one rushed. Which means I didn't get to brush my teeth... I barely even got to put deodorant on. And these people wonder why I have bad teeth.

Remind me why I elected to be home with them for four weeks.

*

Wal-m@rt was blegh. When isn't it. Mom keeps complaining about wearing masks. Dad is getting more and more annoying. "What's wrong with Mom?" He asks as she grabs toothache medicine, as if he didn't just take her to the dentist Tuesday. His shirt is ridiculous. She's on her... "woman time." Aunt Flow. Whatever. I am too and I'm not cranky. Tension is high and all I wanted was to relax. "Why waste gas going all the way home then coming back to Sp0rtsman?" Well Dad we just bought chilled and frozen food AND Mom needs the bathroom.

Why do I feel like this was a mistake?

Can I really change myself when I live with these anchors?

*

Damnit. I bought a Loca Moca Monster instead of Mean Bean because I was rushing. At least I feel like I can move fast in these shoes. And I hope my chicken idea works out (cutting holes in a lemon and stuffing the chicken with it, putting zest and juice and rosemary on top).

*

At least Sp0rtsman's went well. Ish. I bought myself a new archery target, a real good $40 official one that I can practice broadheads on once I get em, along with my field tips. Dad said I could bring my bow with us tomorrow to shoot it. I'm... actually excited. I only pray nothing bad happens once I return home... this dread is going to forever linger in my heart after losing Mo. It's been nearly a year since I even held a gun, nearly a year since I lost her. I haven't been able to disconnect the correlation. Going shooting with Dad = tragedy upon returning home. Sigh.

I got some salmon jerky. Holy hell it's delicious. I got a pheasant stick and an elk stick too (and a matchstick holder). Pepper lingers in my throat from the jerky. But I don't regret it. I run my tongue over the spots it touched in my mouth and savor the feeling.

My left knee has been giving me grief since I woke up. Walking uphill was a challenge on it. It hasn't hurt at all before this morning. Did I sleep wrong in the two hours I slept? My right ankle is also hurting now. My legs are falling apart. "Weight," Mom blames. But I'm getting worse as I'm losing more. I don't understand.

We passed a field of sunflowers across from the Avenue. It was absolutely gorgeous. I wish I could run in it, no, walk in it. Take my time. Feel the petals, feel it all on my skin. Come home dusted in pollen and smiling.

I wasn't the only walker this morning. There was a woman, she must live at the top of the hill. I couldn't see her face since it was still so dark. Is she still thinking about me like I'm thinking about her? She was a speedwalker, didn't ignore cul-de-sacs. I wonder if I'll see her again tomorrow morning.

I miss girls. I have a fiancé and I've been with him for over three years. I love every inch of him, every bit. Yet my brain still lingers on the beautiful powerful girls I see. Especially one I work with, a girl with tattoos in Hawaiian. She... she is amazing. I think of her perhaps too much. I think of my insanely tall male coworker too much as well. Working close with people in a physically exhausting environment lets you see the true strength of those around you. I have no desire to cheat. My fiancé knows every thought I bear towards others. He knows I miss girls. He knows I yearn for a healthy poly relationship. I miss how soft I can be with girls, I miss how soft her lips were as we made out in the Color Guard Room in high school. I think often of my wlw OC ships with my friends. I wonder if its too often.

*

My brain wants to say that the day is over. I've been awake for five hours already. I want a nap but it's not even lunch time and I'm hungry. Maybe I can disappear into my room with a trash bag. Maybe I can zone out while I cook chicken. I need to gather a load of laundry. I need need need to do so so so much. It's overwhelming. And if I dare take a nap, I've "wasted the day." Thanks Mom. Thanks anxiety.

*

A nap til 11 sounds nice. Short. Sweet. More energy. Relax. Wake up to make lunch. Also. Pheasant stick. SUPER SPICY. ow.

*

Well. I slept til 12. No guilty vibes from Mom. She ate Cheetos Mac n Cheese - I had a bite and damn it was tasty. My lunch was ramen, with half a beef seasoning packet, a dash of Smoky Mountain Rub, and a splash of heavy whipping cream.

Ripley has come over and started kneading on Mom. Mo got extremely cuddly before... no, Sunshine, don't make the connection. Just. Don't. Ripley is healthy. She may be missing an eye but she's full of life. Sure she is kinda biting her hair out but she's doing that instead of scabbing up like me and Panda from the fleas. She essentially gave herself the sanitation trim that groomers will give cats.

Watching videos from Sturgis just makes me want to leave even more. I want to be gone. Away from Tennessee. Away from this life. Sigh. Some day, I say for the millionth time.

"Someday is something people say when they really mean 'never.'"

*

Cooked chicken. Watching YouTube. Ate shepherd's pie for dinner. Am trying to find my allen wrenches for my bow but I've lost them completely so I'm tearing apart my room.

*

No luck on the wrenches. They must not be in here. But then, where are they?

I painted my nails! My legs are so itchy. I yearn to eat more of my chicken thighs. But I can't. They must be sliced for enchiladas along with chicken and rice. Le sigh. I hope this nail polish lasts a while.

How do such little scabs bleed so much?!

I hope I sleep well tonight. But, knowing me and rp, it won't happen.