#// even if i am a forgetful idiot
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out of curiosity, would you consider yourself butch?
used to be a blonde underweight twink and now I'm a based jock still got the chanel bag and the sick albeit matured mind of a suckpig to prove it so I'm gonna let you decide whether you wanna call me that word just cuz I got a pussy and short hair. I promise you that there have been enough advancements made in the art of lesbian sexual dynamics in the past 50 years to broaden the vocabulary used to describe the plethora of types of masculine females.
#being called butch just reminds me of how much males have the freedom to navigate between male archetypes and how people pay attention to#the distinguishing features of these varying masculinities#but when a female is seen as masculine it all gets lumped under the “butch” category#her masculinity is seen as unnatural and therefore incapable of being considered genuine or taken at face value as it is with males.#its always brought into question instead of taken in consideration with the rest of the woman's life and experiences and her particularities#Hence... Butch is still being treated as though its a huge lesbian cultural phenomena instead of a specific niche thing#also i dont mean to invite the “you dont pass!!” anons again bc that idiot is missing my point entirely (which is that im truly not trying)#but the fact is that for the past 3 years i have found myself increasingly navigating the male social world#and discovering what it means to me as a female to have access to the ability to take my “masculinity” for granted... relax#forget about it#etc#i think thats entirely antithetical to the Butch thing which seems to rest on the tension of other peoples expectations of her#people broadly are more surprised to find out that im interested in women just as much as they're surprised that im a gym queen iykwim...#ive worked hard for this and now that ive gotten the Woman Social Role thing pretty much entirely out of the way i am living the dream#i think a large part of that is learning as a dyke to appropriate the language of gay men theres a reason their terminology had#staying power even when their scene was *literally* dying meanwhile all that seemed to survive from dyke spaces was butch n femme ??#its because theirs didnt necessitate the building and maintenance of a scene in order for the subculture to hold its head above water#their labels *largely* weren't predicated on their relationships to gender roles and its telling that for dykes it was#their labels rested on the need to simply show up anonymous n be able to easily flag whether they were looking to fuck or be fucked#alongside the set of circumstances under which they would be fucking or getting fucked or what have you#it all comes back to the restrictions of female social blah blah blah and i think the sooner we collectively set down what we see as our#responsibility as lesbians and as feminists to Be A Woman the sooner we can step outside of that#n start thinking clearly about our individual circumstances and the necessity of putting on your own oxygen mask first before helping others
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Ugh I’ve been so MIA I hate it 😭🖤 but I finally got my hands on a book last night and I can’t even
🚨KoA kinda round up🚨 from the depths of a sleep deprived forgetful quick rambling tired soul fangirling
Aedion screaming please and I take it back as Lysandra stands as Aelin in front of a war
The witch towers with the yielding which is scaring the hell out of me
Aelin reuniting with Chaol seeing him walk and that hug cause healing
And then immediately recognizing Yrene and their moment
And then her and Hasar being the queens they are
Plus Borte being Borte and just so many great characters in one shot
And I’m just so proud of Elide
And guys please for the love of gods just go to Terrasen
And then you have the cadre in all their glory and the ways she describes them which cracks me up because it’s like “stern beautiful Rowan” “glowing golden Gavriel” “Fenrys darling” “miserable bastard Lorcan” and their dynamic I just can’t even🤣 like the two of them have the sibling dynamic down to a science of “we hate each other… but okay maybe not really I guess their fine”
But then they learn about Maeve and holy shit rip my soul out and slap me with it
And then Aelin crying to Rowan which killed a little bit of my soul and healed it to hear it put into words and then killed it again and then there’s her and Fenrys and Gavriel and Rowan
“IM SO SO TIRED ROWAN”🖤 (but also why are we having this talk on an ice covered river… guys drowning is a real issue, just like scoot back into the forrest please?)
“No one would have left you like that, no one”😭 (I did spend like 10 minutes on Reddit trying to figure out what the “do you want me to tell you about it” line meant but I’m pretty sure it was stuff like that😭)
🥺”We fight”🥹
Chaol and Yrene need to talk about the baby so they can celebrate for .5 seconds cause there both being adorable again
Also like is there a new third person view cause now chapters end like “2 minutes in someone chaol never expected walks in” but then 4 chapter later the convo starts & then halfway through someone walks in… it’s not even forshadowing its like a preview?
Also are all valg princes princesses?
But like where’s my babies where’s my 13 where’s my Manon? Where’s my Dorian? We need the king and witch queen! How about my flower child who’s all dopey and in love? But also like no news is good news? I WANT AELIN NOWHERE NEAR THE KEYS WITH HER DEATH PLOT THESE DAYS MMM NO and then I thought it was the 13 when the wiverns pulled up but no it’s a witch tour greatgreatgreat greatgreatgreatgreeeeeeaaattttt
And have I mentioned I’m dead inside and this book is my world and it’s falling apart but in the beautiful perfect kinda way that feels like watching deathly hallows again but better
Also like I’m waiting for Aelin to unleash a fire storm
And it’s Rhoe’s shield🥺🥹
So idk this is where we are today
Chapter 51 here I come let’s see what Lorcan and inevitably Elide are up to and try to do some better posting catch up since the sleep deprivation is at peak productivity and let’s hope all my bbs reunite for a few scenes now and not to die or something cause is that too much to ask
P.S. MOONBEAM🤣🤣🤣
And I love how he just like ✨KAPOW💥 shifts I mean minus the trauma portion but the dramatic light flash effect would make Rhys (our lil wedding crasher) proud
PS PS I still love Nox
#KoA spoilees peeps who haven’t read it this is a reading update so skip it ;-)#first read#currently reading#read with me#read along#reading reacts#rough summary#just read#chapter 50#up next#chapter 51#no spoilers please#Kingdom of Ash#KoA#Part 1#TOG series#ignore my typos I’m tired lol idk#fangirl nonsense#I don’t even know anymore#I never want the books to end#they are kinda destroying me#I love them so much#FENRYS MOONBEAM#Elorcan???#iltsm#let’s give our buddy Lorcan one phrase credit with Lorcan sweet trying semi idiotic brooding but loveable Lorcan#wait Fenrys darling sounds like Feyre darling lol imma have to go make that into a post of incorrect quotes or something#Sarah Jessica don’t you dare hurt my bbs yes I know the j isn’t Jessica but the vibe is#none of this is the biblically accurate interpretation or meme or whatever lol it’s mostly paraphrasing ish#idk which one is third person forgive me I am forgetful
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I talked to my roommate about how everyone judges me for the smallest signs of autism, like closing my ears in public and they went "yeah haha you have those moments where you get so frustrated because you can't do something that is so easy and I'm like 'oh sweet, summer child, all you have to do is x and then it wouldn't even be a problem'" and I'm like oh
oh
you're one of them, huh
#my post#autism#you'd think for someone with adhd#who literally 'forgets' to put trash from the counter to the trash can#they would have more understanding of#'it may be easy for you but it's hard for me'#but apparently not#jesus#so fucking annoying#like#okay so this whole time you were actually treating me like a confused toddler in your head#fuck you#for someone taking so much pride in being nonjudgmental this bitch can say the most scathing and misplaced shit#it's like they're desperate to see everyone as stupid little children#because for some reason they prefer stupid people they can parent#and even as I am forced to parent THEM because jesus christ this human can't do SHIT#apparently I am still a lost little idiot because I turned on the wrong panel of the electrical cooker that one time#fuck them#seriously that pissed me off so much
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Hi hello sorry to bother but if it's not too much trouble are you able to tag your arcane act 2 thoughts/spoilers please? I haven't had a chance to watch it so have filtered out the tags and content so I avoid spoilers on my dash!
Oh my gosh I did not realise I had goofed on that, my bad, yes! I went back and fixed all that up. Mwah, thank you for letting me know kindly! 💖💖💖 It is very appreciated and means a lot!
#ironansweres#ask#im an idiot#usually I am so careful with tags but I was just ferral posting while rabid watching and slipped#also forget that people even look here sometimes haha#sorry guys!
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man another thing that's been very nice about having moved out of my dad's house is that... i am under no obligation to convey anything to anyone <3 i don't have to tell my parents about my doctor appointments, i don't have to tell people my intentions, i don't have to defend making purchases or arranging my life in a way that makes things easier or more pleasant because people don't even have to know about these things in the first place.
it's really fucking nice.
#experienced the unfortunate combination of 'pathological anti-liar' and 'being a fucking doormat by nature or whatever'#and 'controlling father that has to know everything and will directly curtail any attempts at privacy with guilt and authority'#that i sometimes compulsively try to make someone understand things about me even when it the direct outcome of such is unpleasant#here's to breaking these habits lads#discovering that i can do things and have preferences without going to protestant hell or even worse dealing with my dad#i can even pay my Idiot Tax without the external application of guilt#that is payments or late fees or forgetting to return something that doesn't fit and et cetera#that sometimes come up on account of being a fucking mess LMAO and would be less of a thing if i achieved a level of organization#that i simply will not realistically reach at this juncture but am generally working on getting myself in order for#i just make sure i routinely set aside a lil money for potential mistakes and i deal with them as they come#without the song and dance of being actively and repeatedly scolded as an adult for regular person mistakes#prattling about the self#edit to note that yeah i know there are times when i should convey things to people but you know what i mean
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How can I survive this winter?
#gen#i have no idea#maybe i'll be fine#but i don't think i will be#i'm doing two master's programs and a job for money and now I'm also an editor for a magazine (unpaid) and a PR person (unpaid)#my week only has 7 days#and my friends keep needing my time and help too#and i also have a wholeass gender crisis that's getting increasingly hard to ignore#it's just a little much maybe#and I KNOW that I don't cope well with stress#but i always keep feeling like i need to do kore#and more#and even more#because how else can i possibly keep up in the rat race#and now i'm going to do a bunch of stuff half assed and nothing properly and that is literally so idiotic#also i think my personality is splitting#should i worry about that#i am so disconnected in the different parts of myself I literally don't know what's going on in my life#and i keep forgetting everything#and i feel like i'm touching a live wire#i'm not tired#i'm so energized and all over the place i might just scream and be unable to stop#fun times#will this end in chaos?#will this end in a cemetery#or maybe with a very successful career#no way of knowing#maybe it's time to dedicate myself to the burn bright die young mantra#give up on all the foolish long term dreams#i'll never get any of those anyways
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Had an ADHD assessment a few years ago and the fuckwit that assessed me said, as a direct quote, "You're too smart to have ADHD." Like that's not any type of paraphrasing, that stupid fucking statement is burned in my brain forever and has been since I heard it.
I talked to my psychiatrist about getting a referral to a different psychologist for assessment, and she agreed and sent it in.
Today I got a call that said they don't agree that I need reassessment, and I'm welcome to pursue it elsewhere, but they won't provide reassessment. Which is just.
I don't even know where to start with that one. I just needed to get it out. I'm so tired.
#'we really dont think youre adhd so were not even going to let you pay to check again'#WHAT#thats an option?#they can just say that they really dont think its a problem for me so they wont waste their time?#the first fuckwit that assessed me said im too fucking smart to have adhd!!#thats not a fucking compliment and every professional ive spoken to since then has said 'yesh thats not right tey for reassessment'#i just had to write this down because#this morning i was showering before work and they called me and left a message#so i checked the message right before work cuz i saw it was them and i assumed they wanted to set up the reassessment#because i got a referral. but theur message literally just said that bullshit#and because it was right before work i had to pack that away#because trying to deal with that in addition to a shift at fucking mcdonalds wouldve killed me#but because i set it aside i just keep forgetting about it. so i needed to write this down to remind myself#that this is my life and this is the bullshit i get to deal with in this life#im so tired. i dont even know what to say here. what to think or anything#'youre too smart to have adhd. we're so sure of that that we're not gonna check again. waste someone else's time. bye!'#i wish the world worked the way healthcare 'professionals' think it works#what a beautiful world it would be. you could lose weight just by trying and when you lose weight all of your health problems disappear!#you cant have any mental health problems if you are smart or seem kinda normal or are a woman#i am resisting the urge to. i don't even know. i want to do something angry and destructive but i don't even care#at least now i dont have to drive two hours and pay $160 just to be told that i am too smart to have problems#and actually all of my problems are due to my anxiety and the fact that im female#god i wish that was the case. ill go on t if it makes my problems valid. would you like that?#what do i have to do to convince people i have problems? i will fully physically transition to be taken more seriously#would that help?? would that fucking help???????????????#anyway. i was about to say i wish i wasnt mentally ill. but i dont#being mentally ill is chill. its like a roommate that lives up there and weve lived together awhile so its chill#the only problem are the idiots they pay to deal with mental illness. at this point i dont think they have qualifications#theyre just bringing in men off the street. and theyre the real problem. goodnight folks#dont have the audacity to be mentally ill in this economy. its not worth it
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If I have one piece of advice when it comes to your personal but professional email is to recognize that it is going to be your personal but professional email sooner than i did and never ever give it away freely
And never. EVER. give it to a politician
#i made the choice during obamas first run for president to give it to the dnc for some fucking reason#and now i forget to check it for 2 days and i have to delete 300 fucking ebegging emails from them#crap#man me from 16 years ago was am idiot and also oh my god how have i had the same email for over 16 years#by personal but professional i mean the one yu use to like. apply for jobs#god i hope you kids arent out there trying to apply for jobs with emails like sparklepirexoxo69 or blorbofor3v4r or whatever#hopefully you know youre best sticking to first name or initial last name maybe a middle name or something if its a common name#it doesnt even help to mark every fucking one as spam and unsubscribe theyre like a goddamn hydra
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#original caption: get haunted idiot#second caption that I changed: it’s your own fault harry#cause yknow#they r on a first name basis :) <3#bitter enemies 2 lovers#but also like#us (monstrous) v the world (which can burn)#yk when a ghosts hair keeps growing it means they’re not dead dead so there’s hope#sectumsempra#I rly thot abt holding on to this one and posting it in October but yk I’d forget i just have to post stuff whenever I draw it#even if that’s at fuck o clock am my time#which it always is#rn this is just an app I go on to dump content into and exit so even this much is a personal miracle#draco malfoy#harry potter#drarry#draco x harry#harry x draco#also Ik he doesn’t have his glasss but you see that’s bc I started this drawing w a entirely different premise in mind and it was Relevant
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Breaking news:
Your girl has fucked up by overwriting a collection of gmod addons
#gmod#tf2 gmod#why am i like this#i’m a fucking idiot#I’m probably gonna forget I even made this post in the morning
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All of these "who has more anything gender!" polls are just. white man without extreme body builder muscles v white man without extreme body builder muscles. The gender is "masculine" stop pretending it's universal
#even worse is when it's 'tradionally feminine' v 'traditionally masculine (without super ripped muscles' and the notes are all#she's the opposite of gender he's THE only gender ever.#'gender' isn't even androgynous anymore it's just some guy#vent post#idk I'm just kind of 😬 about people not seeing binary girl or even predominantly feminine as 'gender' whatever the fuck that means#you like androgyny when it's on twinks but don't think the butch lesbian that only calls herself a woman is 'gender' huh#and something about genderfluid characters only ever being accepted when they're in their 'not cis' presentation (cough ze l da)#like..i consider myself genderfluid and sometimes have guy-adjacent euphoria days#(still think about everyone who he/hims me when I cosplay Link ❤️)#but... I get just as much when I'm wearing what's 'expected' of me like skirts and dresses and makeup and am seen as a girl#because a lot of times growing up i wasn't really included in the girl stuff but was still too girl for the boy things :/#and I feel like. everything focuses on the andro of androgynous that they forget androgynous doesn't mean vaguely fem guy#it's like. shiek is winning the gender poll. but zelda wouldn't. even though they're the same person and one doesn't exist without the other#nonbinary but the binary isn't girl-boy it's trans-cis#nice dichotomy idiot#what lies outside of it
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One big mistake people make is deciding that because someone they don't like enjoys something, that mean the something is bad
Easy example from my own life, Max who I'm no longer friends with and just... there were elements of a decent person in there once, but I don't think so anymore... anyway, Max likes Infected Mushroom
So my dad and my Mr Dumbass of a friend decided that Infected Mushroom is a bad band and it's like...
Mr Dumbass, you've been to a concert of there's with me and Max and another person (didn't care for the way the venue did things), you like them or at least have liked them... I'm pretty sure you introduced them to Max
They didn't become a bad band magically because one idiot likes them
Like people just lose the ability to judge things on merit when there's a chance to shit on something that someone they don't like enjoys and... it mostly screws you over and makes you look like a fool, you know?
So try not to do that, try not to shit on something just cause someone you don't like likes it
#cause it would be hard for me to say specific people here; but I certainly see it happen#and it's a trap that even smart people fall into#also don't forget that maybe people you like actually enjoy whatever it is and you're being an asshole to them for no reason#like evaluate things based off their merits; that's all I'm arguing for#anyway; in other news Max enjoyed Infected Mushroom wrong#see... he hate anything with vocals (unless it was something like U2 that his mom played him when he was young)#he had this idea he was enlightened for not liking vocals because... well cause he was a snob and liked feeling smart#so a lot of their best tracks he couldn't stand and would skip#and like listen... they've got some good instrumental tracks for sure#but sorry something like Becoming Insane grabs me a hell of a lot more because it actually speaks to me#also like... voice is an instrument... and it's one I have access to#I honestly often find myself singing the chorus to Wish; in fact anytime 'the game' comes up; all it does is triggers me to sing that#'I play the game; the one that will bring me to my end; I'm waiting for the rain to wash who I am'#I'd sing the rest of it but I don't have it memorized other than stray lines like#... well I know it as being like#'I want to - to - to -... and to bring it all back; I want to - rewind - - - - - and enjoy the consequence'#so you see why I can sing either of the main verses and only have the chorus#but nah; Max is an idiot and enjoys them wrong so I don't really care about his opinion#doesn't make them a bad band dummies; one of you even likes them#don't be 5; don't just go opposite of what someone else likes to spite them
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#i miss having friends who gave a fuck about me#or....friends period lol. remind me to never seek comfort in another human being lest they make me out for being s moron#that's probably one of the worst things you can do to me actually#aside from straight up betray me or break my trust#is make me out to be an idiot lol.#i guess i fucking am one if i keep thinking ill find comfort in people when theyre the only fucking thing that keeps hurting me over andover#''sorry?'' yeah sorry. majorly sorry for bothering you#i can't wait until the day everyone finally forgets about me and i finally fully fade away where i belong. anyway#know no one cares so im just going to play skyrim. good evening to anyone reading until the end of this
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the urge to nick my dads beer is back and stronger than ever
#i would kill for something to dull the nerves right fucking now#had a good day. not amazing but net positive. slept extremely well and got work done and drew a character ive been meaning to draw#and then boom gets hit with the biggest fuckijg wave emotions regarding a large scale joke that happened and#despite talking to my boyfriend about jt and realizing that it was in fact Just A Joke andnnot malicious in any way i still feel bad#and its not even about the joke. its not even about him. why am i so bad at getting these things. why do jokes hurt me so much sometimes.#how am i someone that people put up with even though im such a fucking idiot all of the time#how am i someone that people even take the time to explain things to when it feels like all i do is complain and experience the horrors 24/7#aughuhhhhghhhhhhhhhhhhgggggh i hate feeling bad about this.#i dont have any reason to believe i was being annoying about it. he didnt indicate that he was upset with me for any reason.#so why do i feel so fucking bad still#like it feels stupid how much that fucked over my entire day it was such a stupid joke and i could have just played along#but then my brain decided to feel like i was going actually insane and ruin shit#augghhhhhhhgghhhhh#beer calling to me. i dont even like that shit. im not even going to take it but god what i wouldnt kill for something to ease the nerves rn#lycan howls#probably delete later. if i dont forget
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Nothing can make a bitch more hateful than a SINGLE hour —the FIRST HOUR OF A DAY—at a job where everyone pretends they can do her job better than she’s been doing it because they read something in the news recently
#it’s the inherent sexism in this industry for one part#for the second part it’s that everyone thinks they’re better than me which is only so true#I’m not better than anyone but I certainly have gotten results#but everyone forgets that the minute an article crosses someone’s feed and they think why aren’t we doing anything about this#newsflash! I actually was already doing stuff about this thing before they even knew about it#I have even mentioned as much!#but no I now have to do more bullshit busywork to appease idiots who think they can do my job because they saw an article#everyone’s got my job title and I’m worthless and do nothing#how silly I am to have forgotten that no matter what I do I have a curse#the curse of everyone constantly getting in my lane#manufacturing management is real game of thrones shit#I am very good at the game but I’m not in a position where I can smack people back often without being considered resistant or difficult#so whatever I’ll do the extra bullshit but everyone’s making me MAD about it#literally cannot stress how irritated I am that I’ve had no joke like six people talk to me about the same thing since yesterday#when the thing was on my radar a month ago and i was already working on it#I fucking loathe people I hate it here I want the swift embrace of death to take me
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ah i see. only rich and popular people make it to where they wanna go. i get it now
#just sitting here not even feeling that bad and my mind is instantly#telling me Do It. take the pills scratch yourself do anything that will peave a mark because thats the only way you#know how to let pwople know youre struggling brcause youre the worst at asking for things like comfort and friendship bc u dont deserve it#for real man im having to start to set reminders to remind me to actually eat because every day is just so blank that i just sit theough it#and honest to god forget to eat. at all. and its being interpreted as 'wanting to lose weight' when its actually the fact that#i dont want to feed myself anymore. i dont like me. i will do anything that will indirectly rwsult in Unalive because Holy Shit this hurta#i dont. have much twthering me down anymore. i really dont. my friends dont check in (reasonably so) bc im ass at responding#and to everyone else i am the Happy :) Guy who is Never Sad so like SIKE lol#(standing under a large icicle) oh nooo i sure hope this doesnt fall right onto my noggin and end me :)#local idiot sad#idk guess i gotta do something at least. to mess with so i can see a physical reaction ro rhis shit
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