#last night as i was going to bed legit. i was remembering that 'and I'll never get lonely' was a REAL FUCKING LINE HE HAS IN HIS SOLO SONG

[dhmis-autism]

have spent all week talking about duck in excruciating detail and this is an accurate summation of how i feel

[alexas-fandom-and-random-blog]

Well it's late night for me and helluva Boss Mastermind episode just dropped and I'm kinda in the mood to do a live reaction to text of first and honest impressions thingie. So let's go!!

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Awww. Loona hesitating to burn their first job pic was precious❤️

Holy shit okay Satan's design is the first Sin I actually legit adore! Freaking amazing!😳

Can the the rip-off-Elsa brother (won't bother remembering the name) PLEASE stop calling Stella hot? Neither funny, nor character driven just really freaking creepy! Stop!

Vasago first impression. Uuuh okay? Is the gimmick he's simply gonna talk to another language.

STRIKER JUMPSCARE!!!!

Hiiii baby!! Looking good in that suit! Daaaamn! Good to see ya!~🥴

Warning up to the new VA each episode ngl. Doing a sexy job with it😚

I can't decide if I love or hate the "LINE?" joke... Could work as him not giving a fuck to spell the "fancy" word I guess😆 but mostly it makes him look kinda stupid so yeah... not a fan.

Whatever, moving on!

Tone down Moxxie pulling uwu and crying faces please? Just a bit. It's too much is all I'm saying. He's baby but like it's not endearing if you do it constantly 😢

Animation is so gorgeous tho as always. How rip-off-Elsa moves and uses his power is so smooth!

So Striker just made a guest appearance and fucked off with a wicked smile. I can't!😆

I mean good for him for getting that immunity deal but not even a tiny bit of verbal interaction with I.M.P? Moxxie? Anything? No?? You're killing me man. I am robbed and inconsolable 😭

The Sins interactions are mostly annoying but lmao at Mammon's clown noises bahahahah! Love it!

Uuuh Satan's voice might be doing things to me👉👈

Goddamn his design is amazing too!

Fizz!!! He's trying! Bless his heart he cares about his friend a lot imma cry!

Oh wow! Kudos to Blitzo for giving that speech. Dare we see social commentary that actually hits? And he's using it to save his family? Respect!

The guards are threatening af! I love how creepily slow they move and how that one touched Blitzo after the execution announcement was so foreboding. Really good way to convey the imminent danger. Niiice!

Muzzle on Loona just showing how little she's allowed to be. Even lower than the imps basically. This is sad.

Stolas to the rescue! Ye- Song? OhmyGod🤦 nah man just... okay whatever I'm skipping it, it feels really awkward to have in this situation.

Skip skip skip

Okay no back up back up. Satan singing???

That's-

....

No still don't care about it, too awkward sorry.

Skip skip skip

"This is a sturdy door"

Frick that caught me off guard! 🤣🤣🤣

Oh my god noooo. Via making that sound while crying broke my heart!!! Poor Baby bird!😢

Yeah see having Stella be non abusive and manipulative with her is an amazing idea and I love it but goddamn it, it doesn't work if you present her as absolutely brain-dead and obvious about everything the rest of the time!!!!

...well that was embarrassing 😂

Actually felt more bad about Stolas assuming he'd be sacrificed than the sacrifice itself.

Heroic I know but holy shit 🤣

Really love Satan's entire schtick. Very much a fan! The guy is so entertaining to watch!

Vasago really didn't do much in the end besides fanboy over Stolas did he?😆

"For the next 100 years"

Bahahahahahahahah!!! Get fucked rip-off-Elsa lmaoo!!! That bit was gold!!

And Stolas is common folk now. Okay I guess. I'm very neutral about that.🤷

Ohooo?? Blitzo actually getting support from this whole ordeal?? Oh kudos! Great direction! Very much support it!

More of soft Loona yes!!🥺❤️

(and I'll be willing to pretend the kicking his balls awful nonsense never happened 🙄)

Ah the last scene with Stolas? That was actually so very soft and sweet. Beautiful quiet moment to close off to

----

And that was it🫠

Whelp I didn't think I'd have this many reactions watching the episode.

Overall not bad. I'm going to bed now tho I'm tired🥱

Oh And in conclusion:

Bring Striker back soon!!!!🙏

Goodnight!

[possibilistfanfiction]

conservationist au already!? you write so fast dang (what are your secrets) (also it's okay if you want to keep them secret) (mostly i am excite for frog)

here she is! frog au! lol [ao3]

//

to see us blossom (while the green spreads like wings)

//

only our feet have been here, that i'm aware of. it's wild and remote and beautiful as can be. i just want to be quiet and love it. let it sink in. i'll be leaving the planet, sometime. and i'll miss it.

— dr. bruce means

//

'dr. silva,' diego bursts into your office, his hair fluffed and messy, 'i found someone for the expedition!'

'did you... run here?'

'yeah, from the lab.' he gulps a breath. 'i got excited.'

it's fucking awesome that diego, your favorite grad student, is coming on this expedition, but it's becoming a huge pain in the ass to plan — you try your hardest not to feel guilty about why, but it is mostly because of you — and is starting to feel more and more impossible by the day. you don't want to get your hopes up: you don't have that much funding, and it's starting to seem a little bit impossible logistically, even with dr. superion's help. but you'll humor him: 'so who are we taking with us?'

he waits a breath, practically bursting at the seams. 'beatrice zhang.'

'the photographer?'

'she's an experienced climber! you follow her on instagram, right?'

you have gratuitously followed beatrice zhang on instagram for the last four years — for her photography, because it is some of the most beautiful and thoughtful you've ever seen, regardless of the subject matter, but also for the occasional photo of herself, surfing or climbing or behind the camera, particularly delightful if it features her arms in a tank — but diego doesn't need to know that part. 'yes, her work is wonderful for lots of conservationist efforts.' diplomatic, you think, mentally patting yourself on the back.

'and she's hot.'

'i didn't say that.'

diego rolls his eyes.

'anyway, how would we even get her to come with us?'

diego grins. 'i emailed her.'

'what?'

he takes out his phone and shows you her instagram, which, indeed, does have an ‘email’ button, which, obviously, you've never paid attention to before. 'she hasn't responded yet, or her team or whatever, i guess, but i only sent it ten minutes ago. and it went to a legit address and hasn't bounced back, so, i just figured, why not?'

even though, last year, you had had a successful time in guyana, finding and recording a few new species, there are a lot of why not's, really: your GA probably shouldn’t be making these choices without consulting you first, but you don’t really care about that so much as your mobility is more limited than ever lately. the weather probably won't hold so who the fuck knows if it'll even be possible to reach to spot at all. and, plus, it's for a frog. one tiny frog, that may or may not exist — (you're sure it does) — in the middle of a jungle on the top of a tepui that's never been climbed. it's... a little crazy, when you think through it now, way crazier than it had seemed when you wrote the grant for funding last year. most people, even world renowned war-turned-wildlife photographers with insane biceps — especially them, probably — aren't interested in a project like this.

'well, the least that will happen is she doesn't respond,' you figure; you don't believe in any religion and life had dealt you quite the shitty hand for a long time, so if there's any balancing it out, maybe this will be a strike in the good column for you. so, 'yeah, you're right. why not?'

/

it's two days later when your phone vibrates about seven times; you roll over in... some girl's bed? okay, solid night, then, and when you look over at her, she's beautiful and fast asleep. you remember your fifth shot of tequila and vaguely how great riding her dick had been; you find your phone graciously plugged into a charger on the nightstand on your side of the bed, and when you go to the bathroom you see condoms in the small trash can — so, all in all, a success. your back is sore but not terrible and you groan when you see it's only six am, but there's texts from diego and you have a policy not to ignore those, no matter how stupid they occasionally can be.

these are unequivocally not stupid, though, because they start with dr. silva! and then ava!!!!! ava! and devolve into some emojis and then omg oh my god and finally check your email, which is really the only helpful part of that — but they're not stupid because when you do check your email, you see a forwarded message from diego first. it's a cordial reply to the email he had sent to beatrice zhang, from her, it seems, asking politely to be put in touch with the lead biologist on the expedition if possible. which, you remember with the tiniest bit of a happy jolt, is you. you open the newest email, which is, in fact, connecting you and beatrice. she’s already responded, and it’s kind of wild because, from the three short sentences asking if you could set up a video chat to talk more about the expedition or, if she happened to be close to where you were in the world, even meet near your office or lab for coffee, she sounds, well, at least interested. you don't think someone like her — someone who has photographed war, and famine, and wildfires, and, miraculously last year, a snow leopard and her cub — would even respond to something she didn't care at all about.

holy shit, you text diego. you need a cup of coffee, or, like, maybe three cups of coffee, and a breakfast sandwich before you can respond to that email, so you decide to get a move on. plus, it feels unhinged to respond to it from your phone, so you need to go home anyway. you should also maybe definitely shower, you think, as you look at yourself in the mirror: your makeup is a little smudged and your hair is an unrepentant mess. still hot though, you think when you quietly find your clothes and put your bra on, a deep teal that makes your boobs look awesome. thankfully, you were just in high-waisted, loose jeans and a cropped sweater last night, so after you wash your face and get dressed, it's not really giving walk of shame — walk of pride, thank you very much.

you google maps where you are and, thankfully, it's a nice enough morning and a short enough distance that you can walk to your favorite cafe and then to your apartment without having to call an uber. you grab your cane from where you'd left it propped up by the wall near the bed, and then, because you're definitely not an asshole, gently shake your, well, one night stand's shoulder. her eyes are green, and you do remember that much.

'i gotta go do some work, sorry.'

she nods. 'right. doctor.'

well, maybe you're a little bit of an asshole, but it's not your fault that people think you're a very important neurosurgeon or something. you are very important in cataloguing biodiversity, so you just roll with it. 'thanks for a great time.'

she nods with a soft smile, and it's nice to kiss her, gently, goodbye.

/

'wait, you're meeting with her? here?'

'yes,' you say, mostly annoyed at camila's vaguely unhinged energy. 'she's close by train, so it's better to meet in person.'

'oh my god,' camila says. she's one of your best friends and probably the smartest, most tech-savvy person you know. when you figured out how helpful it would be to have someone operate drones for you on this expedition, you hadn't even bothered to ask anyone else.

'don't you know her?'

'well, sure,' camila confirms. 'i did some drone work for her a few months ago in the bahamas when she was photographing sharks. but, like, she's amazing, ava.'

'well, hopefully she'll say yes.'

'you'll have to charm her.'

'i'm very good at charming hot women.'

camila rolls her eyes.

'i'm also very good at charming people to go find frogs with me.'

she waits for a beat and then relents. 'well, i suppose that's true.'

'come on,' you say, 'help me make a slide deck. i feel like she'd think that's sexy or something.'

'you're ridiculous.'

'it'll work, i'm telling you.'

/

beatrice zhang in soft wool pants and closed-toed birkenstocks and a crewneck sweater sitting ramrod straight at the decent cafe just off campus near your office is, quite honestly, not a sight you'd ever expected to see, but it is kind of a miracle. or, at least that's what it had felt like, when she had emailed that she was, actually, a few hours away by train and wouldn't mind a day trip to meet in person. you're glad that you wore your best professor outfit today, flared navy slacks that make your ass look divine, and a crisp white button up that you tucked in tight and rolled up at the sleeves, a camel peacoat and expensive loafers that dr. salvius had gotten you when you passed your dissertation two years ago. you usually wear... well, not this — you reserve this for conferences and presentations — but, if looking professional helps beatrice sign onto this project, so be it.

and, well, maybe it's not strictly professional to undo another button as you had walked to the cafe, and, like, you don't actually know if beatrice is gay or not, but you spot her and smile and wave and her eyes get big for a moment, and you’re afraid you’ve got it all wrong: you’re small and young and pretty and, sometimes, people think that disqualifies you from being smart. but then her eyes rake over you and linger, for just a moment, on your chest, so you're probably right. if this helps too, so be it.

you wave and she stands very formally; she clearly recognizes you, which makes you feel a small thrill of satisfaction. 'hey, glad you found it okay.'

'i've had much more difficult locations to navigate before, although the freshman can be a bit scary.'

it's deadpan, so it takes you a split second, but then you laugh and offer your hand. 'i'm dr. silva.' you want to roll your eyes at your title, which you normally feel quite proud of, all of a sudden. 'ava, any pronouns.'

'dr. silva,' she says anyway, and shakes your hand firmly. 'it's a pleasure. i'm beatrice, she/her.'

only after do you sit, a little sprawled, and prop your cane up on the table, does she sit too, and then looks down at the menu. 'do you recommend anything? i haven't had lunch yet.'

'well, if you're like, uh... —' falling prey to diet culture, you think, but you don't know beatrice at all, so — 'wanting a vegetable forward option, their salads and quinoa bowls are okay.'

she wrinkles her nose. you hide a smile in the collar of your coat.

'but their kimchi fried chicken sandwich is my favorite.'

'and the slaw?'

'well, i'm a fries girl.'

she smiles over the top of her menu, just slightly.

'but my friend likes the slaw, and i trust her.'

she nods and sets her menu down, her wrists resting on the edge of the table, her hands clasped. a practical smart watch, no wedding band. her full attention is on you and it makes you feel a little breathless.

you're saved from saying something incredibly dumb — you're very, very smart, and you're actually very good at flirting, but beatrice zhang is hot as hell and a certified badass and you also really want her to be, like, your colleague — when your server comes to your table. you both order, and you get the fried chicken sandwich too, even though you already ate lunch an hour ago — diego's always happy to eat your leftovers out of the fridge in the lab anyway.

you're not saved from saying something marginally dumb, though, because beatrice kindly thanks your server and hands over her menu and then looks at you again, fully focused.

'i like your hair,’ you say, instead of, well, anything else. you want to groan and slam your head down into the table, or something, because beatrice's brows knit together and she brings one hand to run through her floppy middle part, short in the back and on the sides, pushing it out of her eyes.

'oh,' she says, softly and definitely confused. 'thank you.'

you're sure you're blushing. 'sorry, i just, like, the last time you posted — you had long hair.'

it's mortifying, the moment you say it, because you can mentally calculate the last time beatrice posted a picture of herself on her instagram, and it was definitely over a year ago.

she also seems to realize this, because her confusion turns to a smug little smile that could probably eat you alive. you'd definitely let it.

'i read about the last species of frog you discovered, when the article came out.'

that was also over a year ago, and you laugh, tension releasing from your shoulders. 'so that’s how you knew what i looked like.’

‘sure.’

to be fair, the article did include a picture of you, muddy and sweaty and overjoyed, holding a tiny frog in the palm of your hand, but, ‘did you google me?’

‘i only take on projects, at this point, that i find interesting.’

‘so you think i’m interesting.’

she raises a brow, a scar that also wasn’t there over a year ago running an inch above it and then straight through, cleanly healed but not faded yet, stopping right on the top of her cheek — thankfully your brain didn't comment on that, even though it's kind of hot too. ‘i think that fact that you've already identified six new species of frog two years into an assistant professorship is interesting.’

'so that's a yes.' you grin. ‘want me to tell you about the project, then?'

she thanks your server when he brings her water and your lemonade of the day, and a coffee, and then leans forward in her seat. ‘yes,' she says. 'i do.’

you tell her about it as coherently as you can: you're sure there's a brand new species of frog — maybe more than one, if you're lucky — on the top of a land mass deep in the forest in guyana. you've secured enough funding to make it happen; bare bones, but still. you have diego and yasmine, your grad students, and michael, another assistant professor in your apartment who's helped you on expeditions before, mostly by carrying a bunch of shit. you've gotten camila — who beatrice is also very excited to work with again — to sign on to do tech work for you. dr. superion and dr. salvius are helping from here.

'so, anyway, i need you to climb the tepui.'

beatrice sits back when you're done, flicks through a few slides on your laptop that you'd handed to her with pictures of the jungle, the cliff face, the budget outlines and logistics and equipment you anticipate you'll need.

'do you know a lot about climbing?'

it's kind — to not assume that you don't; to not expect you to either. you shake your head no.

'i'm an alpinist, for the most part,' she says, 'which means that i climb, well —' she pauses.

'no need to be modest for me.'

she offers a small smile. 'i've climbed eight of the ten tallest mountains in the world.'

hot, you think, but you take a deep breath instead and say, 'that's impressive.' nailed it.

'yes, well.' she blushes. 'thank you. but this kind of climbing is traditional climbing — big wall climbing.'

'oh.' you frown. 'so, you can't do it?'

'i can,' she says, 'and i'd like to. i think i know enough of biology to be marginally helpful, and i can certainly photograph the expedition.'

your heart soars, warming your whole body, and you take a bite of your lukewarm sandwich to hide your smile.

'but i'll need a team. i'm confident that i'll be able to get up the wall, but i'm not experienced enough at this kind of climbing to lead on all of these passes.'

'we might not have the funds to pay much, if you bring on more people.'

she shakes her head. 'i have access to plenty of discretionary funds, so that shouldn't be a problem.'

'that's hot.' well, you tried.

she laughs, thank god. 'i just wanted to make sure that you and your team are okay with me bringing other people on.'

'as long as they aren't, like, shitty, you know. racist, homophobic, ableist. all that stuff.'

she nods, very seriously. 'i can assure you that, while one of my climbing partners is inclined to be an asshole, it's always done with respect toward important identities. she's more annoying than anything. and my other partner is the best person i know.'

'well, other than me, now.'

you can tell beatrice is torn between smiling and rolling her eyes; she does a bit of both. 'and, as far as logistics go, i could easily provide a helicopter to get us in as far as possible. less of a hike.'

it's impossible that beatrice didn't see your cane. 'i have adaptive equipment for myself. i can do the hike.'

but her brows knit together. 'yes, i assumed so: you're leading the expedition. i just meant, for my team at least, the fewer miles we have to bring photography and climbing gear in a jungle, the better. it's heavy, and then we have to do a major climb.'

'oh.' you bite your bottom lip. 'that makes sense. sorry, people suck sometimes.'

'i imagine so.' she looks at you very sincerely. 'i'm sorry.'

you wave her off. 'thanks. it is what it is, though.'

beatrice doesn't try to argue, although you can tell that maybe she wants to. 'anyway, whatever you think will help your team, and whatever will help mine, that falls outside of your grant funds, i can cover.'

'that's — are you sure?'

she nods. 'quite.'

'where did you get these discretionary funds?' you can't help asking.

'a bad man,' she says, leaning forward and whispering dramatically. it makes you laugh.

'ooh, did you kill him? warlord?'

'alas, no. my father, and he's already dead.'

'ah.' you snap your fingers. 'well, if another opportunity comes up, you just let me know. i have tons of lethal neurotoxins in my lab. i'm always down to... you know — murder —' you whisper — 'a billionaire. long haul ethics, you know?'

she nods very solemnly, fighting a smile. 'i'll keep that under advisement.'

you fight the urge to ask her for a drink, and you definitely stare at her mouth a little too long, but then you get it together and offer your hand. 'well, partners?'

she shakes it, hers strong and rough with callouses. the thought sends a little shiver up your spine, but you valiantly ignore it. 'partners.'

/

beatrice invites you, after a few days of emailing back and forth to create an updated budget and logistics plan, to meet at a climbing gym. it's to meet her other two team members first. before you all get together with your main crew for dinner afterward. she'd given you their names, headshots, and very formal bios, which you had kind of loved: lilith, who, according to beatrice's bio, will be the lead climber. when you google her, you find out that she's, like, a world champion big wall climber, so that bodes well. and then mary, another photographer and world class marksman — I know this isn't particularly relevant, beatrice had included as a footnote, but it is quite impressive — and avid climber too.

you're hopeful about it all, and you're hopeful that tonight maybe she just wants to see you alone, and to have you watch her climb. there's, like, a two percent chance you'll physically be able to climb, really, but that's fine. she'd texted you about it, far less formal than her perfectly punctuated emails, so that's a good sign. and she'd posted a recent picture someone took of her — a candid, petting the trunk of an elephant peacefully — on her instagram too. maybe that was scheduled — beatrice seems like the kind of person who would schedule instagram posts — but a girl can hope, you know? you liked it one hour and fourteen minutes after she posted, from the lab's social media account and not your personal one, so you figure you've handled this all perfectly. you're great, beatrice is a colleague, and you've got this.

you're stressed about what to wear to a climbing gym and then to get dinner afterward, although there's probably a locker room or something, but it's fine. you're hot in anything. (or nothing. not that the night is going to go there.) you settle on tight leggings you wear to the gym and a sports bra, a cropped jacket on over. it's, like, cute and femme, but also practical. you brush on some mascara and put part of your hair into a little bun so it won't fall into your eyes, and you pack a spare change of clothes in a canvas tote — slacks and a nice bra and a t-shirt that hugs your body perfectly along with a pair of platform converse and an army-green overshirt — in case everyone else changes before going to dinner.

you grab your cane and head out the door.

/

if you fall to your death, it's definitely not going to be because of your back or legs. it's going to be because beatrice is in loose pants that seem comfortable for climbing and a tight racerback tank, and when you walk in, she's hanging by one arm on a short wall, just chilling out there, before she seems to decide what she wants to do. she brings her legs up to find footholds and then she's almost upside down, holding onto the wall with both hands calmly and moving so fluidly — a leg stretching out, her chalked fingers grasping onto a tiny hold. there's a delicate tattoo along her right forearm, all linework, and there are scars all over her left shoulder, running down to her elbow from what you can see: some are jagged and some are clean, neat, like surgical incisions. they don't seem to be limiting her progress at all, because she moves over the outhanging ledge easily and then to the top before just letting go and calmly rolling to her feet after she lands without a sound.

the — very hot — woman, lilith, you know from the headshot, sitting on the floor next to the wall, legs outstretched, leaning back on her palms set flat on the ground behind, and looking impossibly graceful while doing it, groans.

'getting stuck that long on a soft V8? come on, beatrice.'

beatrice, to her credit, just shrugs.

'shoulder?' the other woman asks.

'it's fine,' beatrice says. 'just getting back into the groove of your tiny walls.'

'oh, ha ha.'

'8091 meters will really change your perspective. you should try it sometime.'

'no thanks, i'll stick to my world records, thank you very much.'

they seem like they might physically fight, but then they both start laughing. weird, but you fuck with it.

beatrice turns, her hands on her hips, and, like, whew, god fucking bless, and then waves with a smile when she sees you. she walks over. 'hello ava.'

'hey,' you say, suddenly feeling a little awkward: you have not a single idea what you're doing. 'that was pretty impressive.'

'it was not,' the lilith says.

beatrice heads toward her anyway, and you follow. 'you can ignore her most of the time,' she says. 'dr. silva, this is lilith. lilith, dr. silva.'

'just ava.' you look at beatrice with a raised brow. 'please.'

lilith lazily salutes. 'ava, then. our illustrious leader, i hear. beatrice is making me lead a 1000 foot first ascent for a frog?'

'i'm not making you do anything,' beatrice says, and lilith grumbles like a teenager. it's funny, and you decide that you like her then and there, even if she scares you a little. she scares you a little more when she gracefully gets to her feet. she's tall and imposing, with a sharp face and long hair braided back, more wiry than beatrice's bigger muscles, but — you're sure — just as strong.

she offers her hand, which you shake. 'in my defense,' you say, 'it is a very cool frog. we can even name it after you, if you want.'

this seems to amuse her, because there's a hint of a smile on her face.  'i do like first ascents anyway.'

'see,' you say, 'that's the spirit.'

'ava,' beatrice says, 'no pressure, but i thought you might find it fun to try climbing. only if you'd like.'

'i'm, uh —' you gesture a little clumsily with your cane, the tips of your ears turning red. 'not sure that i can?'

'mary is an adaptive climbing instructor,' beatrice says, gesturing over to the taller wall with ropes connected through pulleys at the top, where a strong Black woman with perfectly neat braids and a dark outfit on is sorting through a few harnesses on the ground. 'but if you'd rather not climb, lilith and i are just finishing up. we can show you a few things we've been practicing in anticipation for the route, and then change and go to dinner.'

beatrice doesn't say either choice with any more or less merit, or worth, or importance: they're choices, and they're yours, and they won't affect how much she trusts you or believes in the expedition. lilith is checking her phone, uninterested at this point, and you decide, as you always have, to try.

'yeah, sure. i have no idea what adaptive climbing is, though.'

beatrice smiles and lilith stays on her phone, texting. 'that's fine. i have no idea about ninety percent of what you study.'

'i find that hard to believe. you're a wildlife photographer.'

she hums, softly touching your elbow and then walking toward mary. 'conservationist photography, sure. but i'm not a biologist.'

you make a note that beatrice doesn't really like wildlife photographer as a job title, although she was polite enough to not outright tell you so. 'well, i'm not a climber, so, quid pro quo?'

'ah, but you will be after tonight,' mary says, standing with a smile and offering her hand. 'dr. silva, right?'

'just ava,' you tell her, endeared by the fact that beatrice had probably been very formally saying dr. silva to her team this entire time. you shake mary's hand as firmly as you can and feel immediately a little more relaxed with the confident, easy way she holds her shoulders, her kind smile, her bright eyes.

'beatrice and i go way back,' she says. 'this project of yours sounds amazing. i was excited when she asked if i wanted in.'

'of course i'd ask,' beatrice says, bumping mary in the shoulder, who rolls her eyes fondly.

'well, beatrice said you were promised an adaptive climbing lesson.'

'if you're still in,' beatrice says, 'mary can show you the ropes.' she laughs at herself. 'literally.'

mary groans, but you're delighted. 'well, don't leave me hanging.'

'no. not another bad pun aficionado. please.'

beatrice grins and you sling an arm over her slightly sweaty and delightfully strong shoulders. she stiffens a little, and mary looks to her for a moment, and you're worried you've overstepped, and fast. but then beatrice relaxes.

you step back and gesture between the two of you happily. 'is this our thing now?'

'if trading terrible puns is wrong, then i don't want to be right.'

mary groans. 'not sure why i agreed to this trip after all.'

'we can name a frog after you, if you want,' you offer.

mary perks up. 'really?'

'yeah,' you say, 'sure. i've already named one after myself and given five others the dumbest, gayest names i could think of.'

'i'm back in, then.'

you laugh. 'well, let's rock and try not to roll.'

mary sighs, but beatrice's muffled laugh into your shoulder is way worth it.

/

Hi Ava, I'll be in town today to get some equipment squared away. I was wondering if maybe you'd like to have dinner if you're free. No shop talk, unless you want

you read and reread the text. you'd gone over shitty — expected, but still shitty — test results from an mri at your neurologist's earlier today, and, even though your team seemed to gel the other night, and all of your logistics are much less daunting now that beatrice has covered some of them financially, you had planned to stay home in your favorite boxers and most comfortable hoodie and wallow with a mediocre bottle of wine and good pizza and great reality tv.

but — hey, that sounds sweet. any places in mind?

beatrice texts back almost immediately. I don't know the area too well. You can pick, if you'd like

like, you're colleagues. you're about to be in one of the most remote parts of the world together in five days, with just a handful of other people, for weeks, maybe longer. you're the leader of the expedition but beatrice is, in important ways, a leader too. she's smart and beautiful and handsome and focused. if it's a date, incredible; if it's not, you still want to know her, you still want to spend time in her gentle warmth.

any food allergies/hatred?

she responds, No, I'm pretty adventurous

still, no clarity, but you set a place and time — one of your favorite tapas restaurants with a great little bar and, if it gets late enough, a good dance floor — and then set about getting ready. you eat a banana and take ibuprofen, which hopefully will help you be able to dance without much pain, and then get as pretty as you deem not desperate for a normal dinner with a colleague to be. which, it's you, so you're still very, very pretty, including one of your very best cleavage tanks. you finish your eyeliner perfectly and blow yourself a little kiss in the mirror. for good luck, or whatever. it's science.

/

'i got tired of it,' beatrice says. 'war photography is...' she pauses, and shakes her head, like she doesn't quite know what to tell you. you're totally sure she's not telling the truth, not really, but you know not to push, to spook her away. 'i could leave,' she settles on. 'as much as i hate the west, as much as i hate american and european, especially british, foreign policy, and its destruction of the world — i got to take pictures, and leave. at first, i thought it was something important i could do, to record the truth. political inherently, anti-imperialist, without being in politics. but, i was in occupied palestine, and, then, after —' she clears her throat, brings her fingers up to ghost over the scar through her brow — 'after. i couldn't do it. they're wars because of my history — our collective history — but they weren't my wars. they aren’t my wars. i can’t photograph them, at least right now. because i got to leave.'

you're horrified that she might start to cry — which isn't horrifying, not at all, you cry all the time, but you're supposed to be having a nice meal with your colleague and you had asked what you thought was an innocuous question about how she got into her more recent conservationist work, but clearly, not innocuous. you're starting to think, with a kind of clarity you very rarely have about anyone, that nothing about beatrice herself is innocuous. even her collarless button down and loose pants cuffed at the ankles — and the way all of her clothes, ever practical, drape with a tailored casualness on her small, strong frame — her easy hair that’s always actually perfectly trimmed and styled, the pattern of callouses on her hands: everything about her is intentioned. she means what she says. she means what she does. she means who she is.

'i started studying frogs with my mom,' you offer. it's true, and you mean who you are too.

she takes a sip of her water and nods in what you can tell is a quiet relief.

'my family is from manaus. my mom wasn't a scientist or anything, she was a bank teller, but when i was little, we'd go out often. she loved the rainforest, so, you know, i loved the rainforest.'

beatrice smiles gently. 'that sounds beautiful.'

you stare down at a croqueta and tear a small piece of it off, let the old ache fill your chest. 'she died, when i was seven.'

'oh,' beatrice says, 'i —'

'— it was a long time ago,' you say.

'sometimes that doesn't make it hurt any less.'

it's permission, to feel how you need to. most people accept when you tell them that and move on in relief, unwilling or unable to give you the space. but beatrice sits steadily. 'i broke my back, during the car accident we were in; we were visiting spain and, well. i had to relearn to walk. it took a really long time, and the orphanage i grew up in wasn't big on good physical therapy or really any care, so i taught myself what i could outside of school, got into university, got good medical care for the first time, like, ever. and i started studying biology. i went back to the rainforest as soon as i could, as a research assistant, and guyana was ... it's mind-blowing, bea.'

she weighs it all in contemplative silence for a moment, trying to decide what you need; what relief she can give. ‘i can't wait to see. i've always wanted to go.'

it is relief, what you feel, to be so immediately seen and understood. 'well, it's not just anyone i'd want to bring to the rainforest. my mom's favorites were always frogs, so —' you shrug, suddenly a little at a loss.

'so here we are, about to go find another.'

you pop the croqueta into your mouth, feel the dull pain in your chest dissipate when you realize you're close enough to beatrice's face to see her freckles. 'i have spinal stenosis, from the accident. it's progressing pretty fast, even with the best medical team, tech, surgeries, all that.'

she nods, like she understands what you mean without making you have to say it. it's a gift, bigger than she probably knows.

'i really want to find that fucking frog.'

'well,' she says, and lifts her glass, 'to finding our frog.'

'you know, it's bad luck to toast with water.'

she frowns. 'i don't usually drink.'

'you're very... controlled.'

she waits a beat and then grins. 'okay, one beer.'

'fuck yeah!'

'one, ava.'

'mhm. whatever you say, bea.'

/

'i have to take the train back,' beatrice argues — or, at least, tries to argue, because her eyes drift down to your boobs when you take your sweater off. success.

'you can just stay at my place. i have a mediocre ikea couch.'

'i can't let you sleep on your own couch.'

you laugh. 'oh, you definitely get the couch. i need all the good mattress support i can get before i sleep in a tent for a month.'

she smiles, gently and a little sad, but then the moment passes, a kind of grace. 'fine.'

'really?'

the set of her shoulders is looser but still sure, still so, so certain. 'yes.'

'hell yeah!' she laughs. 'shots?'

beatrice pulls a face but you order lemon drops anyway, mostly because vodka seems neutral and they're a good shot for people who don't drink often, sweet and tangy and fun. beatrice sniffs hers first — bold move, big mistake most of the time — but then nods in approval.

'to our frog,' you say, and she clinks her glass with yours. you touch it to the bartop and she follows suit, and then take it as smoothly as you can. it's an easy drink, so you don't have any problems, and she swallows without too much of a grimace. 'okay?'

'it's not bad,' she says, and your whole body hums, probably because of the two margaritas you had with dinner and this shot now, but also because there are freckles stretching across her cheeks and gold flecks in her brown eyes and if you let yourself look closely a tiny split on her lip, probably from the dry, cool air recently.

you shake yourself out of... whatever that was, and you order two more shots; she takes hers without hesitation this time, laughing when you spill a little down your cheek. she reaches a hand and wipes with her strong hand, tender, over the corner of your mouth, down to your jaw, and then clears her throat, takes her hand back quickly, although you want to ask for her to stay. but instead, 'come on, bea,' you say, 'let's dance!'

she only groans in a show of protest for posterity, you're sure, because she's very strong and you're very small and when you tug on her wrists she follows you easily.

you love to dance; you have always loved to dance: what little you remember of your mom is full of green, the rainforest and the wall of your living room. she would push back all the furniture to the edges, just the two of you in a small apartment, where you slept in the same bed and ate fruit from the trees outside. she would put on britney spears and jump around with you; she would put on stevie nicks and hold you in her arms, swaying around. she was full of light, from what you remember, always ready to read to you, in portugese and in english; to help you with your math and your handwriting. she cut your food for you and bought you new shoes when yours wore through the soles. she had been a good mom in the way good moms are: happy to hold your hand, to rub her nose against yours, to let you eat the batter off the spoon. you don't remember much, not before the accident, but it had been easy, and beautiful — the mist and orchids and green, all around.

beatrice is a little stiff until you start jumping around, fully out of time with the music, just to make her laugh. and she does, a smile lighting up her whole face. her body is graceful like this too, like it's always somehow known exactly how to move. you wonder, fleetingly between songs, what she was like as a child, if she was as sure and smart and kind as she is now. someone crowds into her space from behind and then you're not thinking of anything other than the tickle of her hair against your cheek as she presses into you, the lilt of her laugh into your ear, the hard muscles of her shoulders and the soft, small swell of her hips when you bring your palms to rest there. you're drunk and she's beautiful, and you've kissed lots of beautiful people when you've been drunk. but she closes her eyes and sways to the beat and it's like the rest of the world falls away. it's like there's only you and beatrice and the cloud forest, above anything else that has harmed and will harm again. there's her gold skin and scars and tattoos hidden under her shirt, the healed slices down your spine, the air between your bodies: sweaty, sticky with spilled drinks, thumping bass, everyone else in this bar. there's only the two of you, and it's a little like you've been punched in the gut: you're falling in love with her. it's easy, right now, to put a name to it all, when you can look at her jaw without reproach.

she opens her eyes and looks at you, a smile on her face, and leans in your direction. it's easy, to bring your hand to touch where you had been staring, to say, 'bea,' as she laughs into your neck, says, 'this is so fun, thank you.' it's hard to not kiss her, but she's ... extraordinary, and you don't want your first kiss to be in the middle of a mid-at-best dance floor after a few shots. you want it to be somewhere beautiful. somewhere you already know; somewhere you're certain she'll love.

'let's go home,' you say, because you had done another round somewhere between songs and she's slightly unsteady on her feet. she nods into your neck and you take her hand.

/

you walk back to your apartment with her, one arm looped through hers — 'very gallant,' you'd said when she'd offered, and even in the dim light from the moon and streetlamps you had seen her blush — and your other hand using your cane. she had found it for you, tucked behind where you had been sitting at the bar; she hadn't asked anything about why you didn't use it when you were dancing, or why you need it now. you know so many good people and you organize a lot with some of your other friends who work with the disability center at the university, but there is some kind of a revelation about being seen so wholly.

but maybe you're also just a little drunk, because she sways a bit as you walk and her accent is lilting, tender, her hair messy in her eyes. it's probably as soft as it looks; you had lost your hair tie somewhere between shots two and three and you tuck yours behind your ear. you have so many questions you want to ask her but you hold them in because she looks up at the moon and the stars and it's enough, to be here with her. to know her laugh, now, and the way she has hurt too.

it's enough to just walk.

/

it hadn't actually taken too much convincing — after you unlocked the door and gave her some choices in pajamas, soft sleep shorts and a big cotton crew her eventual choices, and gotten her a glass of water and a few cheddar crackers — to get her to agree to sleep in your bed with you. perhaps it had been because your couch is ... an unknown number of years old — 'listen, bea, phd students make, like, no money, and it was twenty bucks on craigslist three years go' — or maybe, maybe, it's because she just wants to.

you settle in first, listen to her brush her teeth with a spare toothbrush you'd given her, and wash her face with your facewash — that she had frowned at, accidentally rude but pretty funny and, like, fair, you got it from the drug store on the corner and you're sure she has a whole understated fancy little routine when she's not out in the field — and then wash her hands after going to the bathroom. you love sex, so you sleep with people often. you've had a boyfriend before, that you cared about deeply, so there's some parts of intimacy that are familiar to you, of course. but this, beatrice carefully climbing into bed next to you, with her freckles and her eyelashes and the pink of her lips, is different: you're not going to kiss her, not right now. you're not going to reach out and put your palm on her jaw like you want to, or feel the warm skin of her ribs, the goosebumps that would inevitably rise there if you raked your nails across the ridges. you're not going to because, you know, somewhere elemental in you, that you want to know her, and love her, for a long time. you want to take her to the rainforest.

'where's your favorite place in the world?' you ask instead, whisper it into the dark, the soft outline of her face.

she's turned toward you, her hands tucked carefully under her chin; it makes her look younger. 'tibet. the himalayas.'

'makes sense. you and your big mountains.'

'what's the last mountain you... summited?'

'annapurna. it's the tenth tallest in the world.' she pauses, considering. 'are we playing twenty questions?'

her eyelids are drooping. 'i don't think you're going to be awake for twenty questions.'

she laughs softly. 'i want to ask you one, though.'

'hmm. sure. two to four questions, then.'

'do you... uh, well, okay. do you like women?'

it's so awkward, so out of place for someone so sure, that you have to fight the urge to burst out in laughter. but it's also soft, and nervous, her eyes wide. it makes you feel sixteen again, full of possibility. 'yeah, bea. i'm bi. i love women.'

she nods, tucks her hands even tighter under her chin, lets a big relieved breath out. 'cool.'

'yeah?'

'mhm. i'm a lesbian, if you didn't know.'

you want to say you're the gayest looking person i've ever met but you refrain. for the romance of it all. 'good to know.'

she tries hard to wink and fails miserably. you let yourself, just once, just for a moment, reach out and run your hand through her hair. she leans into your touch, relaxes under it, before you fold yourself back onto your side of the bed. 'you have one more question.'

'so do you.'

'okay. hmm. favorite ice cream flavor?'

she laughs. 'that's what you want to know.'

you nod. 'it's very important information.'

'okay.' she thinks hard about it, genuinely. 'mint chocolate chip?'

'that's so boring, jeez.'

'oh, i'm sorry. simple combinations of dynamic tastes is probably too sophisticated for you to understand.'

'okay, ratatouille.'

she tries, a valiant effort, to not crack a smile, but she eventually does. 'okay, my turn. favorite color?'

you let your eyes fall closed and imagine it all, the sharp thorns and the torrential rain and the chirp of the neon blue frog you'd found last time. you think about taking her there. 'green, of course,' you tell her, a promise, a future in the clouds. 'green.'

[cassedyevihtt]

The secrets that you keep part 4of 8

Slowburn vanessa x mike romance

________________________

Vanessa and Mike sit on a bench outside of her apartment. They'd worked tirelessly for the last hour to get the little on to bed. Abbie got to sleep on the couch. they'd made it soft and pleasant to sleep on. Now the two sat there. Watching the snow fall and sipping on warm coco leftovers. Mike looked over at Vanessa, she'd been so eager to fix warmth and safety to both him and Abbie. Mike locks his eyes on her mouth. Coco stain. A really stylish mustache. He gets suprised as he hears himself chuckle. Maybe even laugh. "Hmm? What? Haha what's so funny?" She laughs a bit too. Mike tries to hold his mouth shut with his gloved hand but just laughs even more. Vanessa looks ahead. "Okay, i see how it is" she slowly places her cup on the bench. She then stands up, grabs snow, forms it into a ball and chucks it at Mike who barely manages to save his coco. Mike places his cup of coco down too and joins the snowball fight.

They both step back inside with 2 empty cups and snow legit everywhere. Down their necks, in their hairs. Mike takes off his hat and Vanessa bursts out laughing. "Wh-what?" He laughs confused. "Is it that bad?" He smiles. "Nono it's totally fine, you just look like a crazy scientist. It's a likeable look" she coughs and laughs. "I'll go get myself ready for bed first btw" she instructs before she walks to the bathroom and locks the door. "O-okay ofc i mean its your apartment-" Mike holds his hat and watches as she leaves. Abbie peeks up at him from the sofa with a small trixter smile. "You're suppost to be asleep." Abbie just closes her eyes lightely.

Mike mumbles a bit flustered to himself.

The bedroom is dark. Mike had argued to sleep in the couch and let the ladies sleep in the bed but Abbie had insisted. The bed is more than big enough for two grownups, Vanessa had almost reluctantly agreed. And now she is sleeping soundly and peacefully there. Mike still has his hoodie on but got to borrow one of her patterned pyjamas pants. Vanessa is sleeping with a T-shirt and patterned pants too. Mike chuckled. She has two identical pyjamas pants like some cartoon character. He steps upon the bed, careful to keep himself on his side of the bed only. Leave her peaceful sleep alone. As he layes his head on the pillow and stares up at the roof every muscle in his body rests. Everything just let's go. He doesn't want to dream back tonight. He can't really. He sighs. He smiles. One night off can't be that bad. And with that he falls asleep.

Mike stares at the clock: 03:00 AM his heart jumps beat. 'Work!' but he remembers its Sunday, weekend. It's okay. As he layes his head down again he notices tossing and turning sounds beside him. "Nono, you did what?" "No I'm sorry" "n-not that b-bunny" "nonononono"

"No"

"No"

"No!"

"Inside the animatronics??"

"Dad we can- please!"

Her words go from whispers and mumbles to almost screams and yelling. Mike sits up. Should he wake her? He starts shaking her awake. "Hey! Vanessa" he wispers. She sits up and pushes him aside. She almost jumps out of the bed and almost runs for the bathroom. She doesnt even get to close the door before it all comes out and she throws up.

Mike just sits on the bed not knowing what to do. After 15 minutes she comes back and sits on her half of the bed. Her back facing Mike. "Are you o-" he starts. She looks over her shoulder. "What? Yes i probably just ate something weird" she explains. "Yes but you said alot of things. Especially the word no." Mike layes down and looks up as he talks. "Yes, well i don't really want to talk about it." Mike frowns. His brain couldn't let the talk about 'inside the animatronics' or 'dad' go. "But can you wake me again as soon as start like that if it happens again tonight?" She layes down too, staring up. Mike looks over at Vanessa. Her face is lit up by a dim blue light. Her cheek reflects waterstreams. He nods, "m'kay". He looks up again. "I appreciate it. Now, good night" Vanessa replies. Mike spots some actual genuine relief in her voice.

"Goodnight Vanessa" he notices his voice smiles to her. Warm and calm. He smiles a bit at that.

[petits--oiseaux]

In Deanna fashion, this will be rambly lol. A long winded story of sleeping over at J's place yesterday.

First thing's first, a weekish ago, J asked me if I wanted to spend the night. I told him that I am not good at sleepovers (which is true); I can never get comfortable, the circumstances are never quite right, and it takes me forever to fall asleep. This was before I knew he was moving and before he said he would come to visit me on weekends if we want to keep seeing each other when he leaves. Yesterday, I started thinking about how I've told him I don't like sleepovers and, omg does that mean he doesn't think I'd absolutely visit him, too?? So then I thought about for the rest of the day and how I would tell him that I am totally willing to visit him. I didn't want it sound presumptuous so I didn't want to just blurt it out, I wanted there to be a natural way to say it. WELL the other day he sent a screenshot of a text with his parents and how they are going to MKE to do apartment searching on Saturday. He mentioned yesterday that his parents were coming down for the whole weekend and I thought AHA! So last night I asked "Oh, am I remembering correctly that the screenshot said you're going apartment hunting on Saturday?" And he said yeah... we're going down to look in mke. This was my in... I texted him "You know, I was thinking today that learning to get better at sleepovers wouldn't be the worst thing... I have a friend who just moved to MKE, too." (true) He hearted it :) then said he would help me practice lol

I got home last night around 9:30 after being with family. When I got home, I showered, smoked, and then was getting ready for bed. He messaged and asked when I was thinking we could try the sleepover. I originally said next week sometime. Then he said, "What about tonight? I can pay for an uber" At this point I am STONED as FUCK lol and I'm like... I think I want to do it. But, I didn't want to be in a car with a stranger with how stoned I was. I told him that and he said he'd come pick me up and bring me over. And he did. I brought my fan with me because I need it to sleep, lol, and he didn't even judge me. We had stoned sex and it was AMAZING. When we were getting ready to go to sleep, he asked me when I'd like him to go to sleep. I told him he could sleep whenever... but he said, "No, I know you have trouble falling asleep other places so I'll wait for you to fall asleep first". LIKE WHAT. Then this morning he took his dog for a walk. He started getting ready, so I started getting dressed and he said that I didn't need to get ready to leave; I could stay in bed while he took the dog (I did ask if he wanted company on the walk or if he wanted it to just be him and the doggo and he said he'd like time with the dog which is legit). I just chilled in his cozy bed and then he got back. Since he had offered to pay for an uber last night, I wasn't 100% sure if he was giving me a ride home or not, but he didn't say anything so I assumed I didn't need to get an uber. Which I didn't :) He drove me home and he kissed me goodbye! This part made me especially happy because I also am not sure how situationships work with that kind of shit, so I'm happy to know this one works that way <3

TBH this is probably the most spontaneous thing I've ever done, which feels sorta sad but whatever lol! But I'm honestly really proud of myself and I'm very happy that I went. I did not sleep well, as I expected, but I don't regret going. I feel very positive about everything today!

[hyperexplosion]

Vent ignore - don't message either I just need write my thoughts out

I hate needing to do something with my hands when I get like this but not wanting to do anything

Like okay glad Ik why I feel worse worse

But also been feeling like this all month even on trip to see concert but that's just cause you know

When you sit in a car with people that are ahead of you in life.

Ywah

I'm just

I feel better off gone more and more each day passing

Ik I'm trying I'm trying study to drive so I can get somewhere

But I just it all feels pointless worthless idk

Maybe I'll lock myself away tomorrow toss my phone aside and just go quiet I just idk

I thought if I came here write my feelings cause I don't wanna vent and hotlines are shit and I'm writing on paper is better but I use most my journals for other things as I keep organized so I'm here

In a way this post won't be seen and will be lost

I also muted like so many groups cause I was getting anxious around so many people like cool glad you all are doing something while I'm laying in bed rotting again cause I have no goal or life I am holding everyone back

I am able to act all cool all chill but idk I need shut up rbh

I just

I don't feel scared

I'm a nuisance I make money by cooking dinner and I can't even save that money like I can't be trusted with money but buying things makes me feel happy for few seconds and right now I just wanna buy photocards and more albums hahahha

I don't touch my savings at least

I cut off so many people how many more do I have to cut off

I struggle to chat unless I feel connection with other but even then I struggle I try push away or I just can't fucking shut up about something on my mind I'm just really bad with people I have bad trust I struggle talk I can't speak or say words right I don't have proper grammar I struggle to talk about my interest and make them seem so interesting and get people into things

Like legit can't shut up about ATEEZ I bring them up every hour why can't I just be fucking normal human being and be likeable why can't I ask people to be here why can't I just fucking talk why can't I just keep possible friendships

I mean okay, this I don't want to I really don't wanna talk about this right now

I mean I have with my mom

And then I don't wanna tell anyone I'm feeling down cause then it feels like I'm being avoided or walking on eggshells

I'm just

I'm tired

This is longer then expected and not being put in tags cause there's a limit and I want low possibility of anyone seeing his

Why can't I just think of a positive future

Not even about weight anymore I'm like almost 30 and I have not nothing had no job my entire life - I didn't deserve graduate school cause I cheated and my teachers special passed me

I'm a fucking idiot. I am not joking when I say I am stupid.

I can't learn by reading shit I don't remember anything I can't drive, and like how am I supposed work in a job when I'm so fucking stupid? Like math in my head? Non existing, am I going have to remember shit? Yeah but will it stay? Probably fucking not

My parents say they are proud of me but how am I making you fucking proud by doing nothing am I making you proud cause I'm bed rotting? That I did graduate highschool but it's all cause I got special passed and cheated? I'm not in college I don't have a job are you lying to me

Can I even cook or does my food actually taste gross

I have paranoia to the point a stranger fucking talking to me fucking freaks me out, I see shit, I fucking am so scared to be out alone I hear shit I'm so fucking jumpy

I'm scared to do shit and was told I was closeted child like yeah sorry I just don't like being out night this day and age and rather be home sorry I don't have a social battery that last forever sorry I don't wanna drink cause I get addicted and I want a fucking drink right now, or that I don't wanna smoke weed cause I already have bad paranoia or that I don't go to parties cause I don't like being surrounded by groups of people sorry I always feel left out in groups I feel awkward in groups1 sorry I don't agree with stealing sorry sorry sorry why keep me around then like even before paranoia and all that I just never liked parties I never liked groups I always been in set of three what do you mean you have 5 or more friends that's so many that's so many in a group what do you mean

Why keep me fucking around

I can't even have a conversation without crying I get mad so fucking easily cause I can't control my emotions and idk

And yeah I want get therapy and everyone makes it so easy but how can I when mom isn't doing good on money and I can't even keep a single fucking 200 in my fucking account

I don't even fucking have 100 and I expect myself to want see another kpop group fuclc I took out a fucking loan just to see teez cause maybe be my last show

I'm just idk this felt like it helped as it finally got me to cry since I haven't been able to but I'm still

I'm not scared anymore

I won't do anything I'm just going to lay here and try to get to sleep now

[ttcblog]

breather*

legit, I don't remember what the last post was about but HEY WE'RE 35 WEEKS PREGNANT AS OF TODAY.

and I woke up with a sense of *impending... something.* not doom, but immense unprepared-ness. it probably doesn't help that our entire home has been, albeit blessed with so much love from our friends and family, filled to the brim with baby stuff on top of all the VERY UNFINISHED home renovation projects that we've decided to start because "we should probably get that done before baby gets here." -- literally we found each other's procrastinating counterparts LOLOL and truly I can only laugh because it's now 9:34PM and I think today has been the MOST TIME I've spent in front of a screen doing SO MUCH FUCKING RESEARCH because there's still so much we need.

100% I need to spend the rest of the weekend cleaning and tidying up the home for my own mental clarity but today was a productive day! The only downside was that I broke my one day "streak" of a perfect day of glucose readings heh. Surprisingly, I kept it together very much so during Thanksgiving. Truly it's just when I have to get my own food. I've also learned that nutrition facts are so extremely estimated, it's annoying.

ANYWAY, today I managed to FINALLY:

choose and purchase a glider

choose & purchase a breast pump (spectra s1) as well as have a lengthy conversation with our cousin regarding using a wearable for when I go back to work and went ahead & took advantage of black friday deals for a willow go

re-measured the walls to decide general orientation and layout of baby's room, including where we're going to put his bed, which dresser we're going to get, which storage system we're going to get, and also listed out a few other things I want to use in his room (i.e. spice racks for his books)

^^ all from ikea -- we're going for a pseudo-montessori, basic-ish set up and doing my best to not over-do it but also try to have the very basic needs.

before I head up and help the husband with building my thing for the bathroom, I'm going to check out a few last minute black friday things before the night is over. I thiiiiiiink, maybe the house of noa panel rug thing. And then I'll be more or less happy with today's progress.

STILL need to figure out the diaper pail/trashcan situation as well before I can feel fully ready, furniture wise, for his room. Also need to purchase A FEW more clothing items for him and I think we'll be okay enough to get us started.

we have some sort of online baby class tomorrow that I signed us up for at 930am, so shouldn't stay up TOO late in order to wake up in time for that.

after the class, I'm going to take some time to do laundry, tidy up as much as possible. and Christmas shopping. also peruse more black friday/cyber weekend deals.

I had quite the mental stress freak out for the first half of the day. It was probably one of the few times, possibly even the first time I truly felt overwhelmed during my pregnancy but I'm glad I had the day off today to figure out some stuff.

he's been moving around quite a bit today and it's been pretty cool being able to feel him so much more lately. I'm really looking forward to when it's time to finally hold him -- but please take all the time you need in there, mama ain't ready for you just yet LOL

[goofyhoffy]

known stranger | jjk | Chapter 1

people say your bestfriend's rival is your rival too. But what if you fall for your rival.

✿ Pairing :  Jungkook × female reader, Jimin × best friend reader

✿ Genre : enemies to lovers, stranger au, personal assistant au, manager au, mutual au.

✿ Summary : always seen him around your mutual friend, but one day you  noticed the known face. Everyone find you so interesting that they always want to be your best friend, yet you never find anyone close to your heart. Jimin your so called bestfriend gone through the worse break up but instead of caring him you fall for his rival. You never thought of liking someone who would beat your bestfriend, but you fall for Jungkook there. Unfortunately, Jungkook became your personal assistant who hated you the most for supporting Jimin. What if Jungkook also wants you back?

✿ Warnings : fluff, strong languages, reader is a psychopath, angst, anxiety, anxiousness, double faced, bullying, overthinking, mean people, Jimin here is the meanest, ignoring, explicit, smut, fake friends, manager and personal assistant au, mutual friend, swearing, filled with flirty lines, rival, lovey dovey, break up, makeout, humiliation, oneshot, texting.

✿ Series : a drabble fanfiction of 3 sets

✿ Word Limit : 5 k+

MASTERLIST

✿ Author's note : wishing you many happy returns of the day, kook. I thought of making this fanfic a oneshot but my mind never cooperates with me. So, here I'm again with my drabble series. Read it and let me know if you liked it. To get add on taglist, send an ask.

(๑˙❥˙๑)(๑˙❥˙๑)(๑˙❥˙๑)(๑˙❥˙๑)(๑˙❥˙๑)(๑˙❥˙๑)(๑˙❥˙๑)

"See, I changed your contact name to 'Bestie' , it's looking perfect dude." Jimin rejoiced. You just gladly looked at his phone screen with your two owl eyes. "Now, you also need to change my contact name in your phone to 'bestie'. Do it fast, I'm waiting, piggy."  Jimin said happily.

"Ya, I'll do it later some day." You weirdly smiled at him. It's always been like that. Jimin being too clingy, always said that you're his best friend, his own girl, whom he adores the most. But somewhere you never felt that. You never denied him of being your friend or you can say your best friend but you always hesitated to accept. You never called him sweetly, never even seen him like your bestfriend but something less than that. A vibe just didn't match with him. Yet, he was always the one who texted you, asked for hanging out, call you by pet names, always loved you, always treat you like his bestfriend. You never showed this emotions neither you did denied all that .

"You always do this things. You know, you're always first for me. First priority,____(y/n)." Jimin sighed.

"Ya, always first. But-" you got intreuppted by him.

This Areum gonna kill me one day. This girl already broke up with me but still cling to me." Jimin said while checking his phone. Few weeks ago, Jimin had a worst broke up. More likely, a betrayal kinda thing happened with him. Before that he was so happy, bright and always busy with his girlfriend. And never ever asked you how were you back then. There you got it, how really a toxic person he was. That's why, you never wanted to call him your special person. Cause after every break up he only comes to you. And during his relationship phase he never even asked you nor did he talk to you. A complete stranger basically.

" Why don't you just ignore her. Block her if she's distrubing you so much." You said.

"I did, but still. Well, she's only for fun. She also have fun making out with me and I do the same. So no problem." Jimin chuckled.

"Also fun when she calls his boyfriend and his friends to beat you up as you're assign of molesting her." You rolled your eyes.

"____, you clearly know that. You have seen that. She was the first who directed me to kiss her , touch her and everything. But later that bitch just called her bodyguard boyfriend to help her out. It's only a strategy for breaking up with me." Jimin sighed.

"Then, why did you do the same thing again Jimin? Just leave her. It really feel bad to see your friend suffering." You asked.

"Bestfriend not friend." Jimin corrected.

"Whatever. Do you want to have red stamps on your ass again?" You sighed.

"No, but I can't. That time I was so mad at Areum so I didn't do any harm to her boyfriend. Unless I would have kicked him in nuts." Jimin giggled.

"Everything is not a joke, Jimin." You rolled your eyes as you left for your daily shift.

◉

You got freahen up after a hectic day at your work. After taking good hot shower, you sat on your bed and checked your phone. You glared at how many messages Jimin had sent you to ask about your day, your mood, what's you're doing and stuff like that. You completely ignored it. Sometimes you feel that, the boy put so much of his time on you just to get some friendly love from you. But at the second thought, you imagine all those moments when he ignored you, your texts, your calls for hours and days just because he don't need you.

At last you saw the flooded messages at the new group chat you got added. You don't have enough patience to read what the group chat was about and who were the members. So, you directly called the one who added you.

It's Bora, who added you. Your long lost another best friend. Who also treated you like her best friend but you never like being her friend. But you felt so glad that someone still remembered you. You called her.

"Hello!"  You nervously chuckled.

"____, I missed you bub. Don't you missed me sweets?" Bora excitedly asked.

"Sure. I-I mean I did. A lot. Bora." You weirdly smiled

"Then you're definitely coming to the Mall? Don't you?" Bora asked.

"Mall? About what?" You asked.

"I added you to the gc dude. Checked that. Everyone is coming. Please you also need to come. I have many things to talk about you." Bora pleased.

"I saw that, that's why I called you. Cool idea! Definitely gonna come Bora." You said.

"Call me sunshine. Okayy, tomorrow at eight at evening near the south mall. Don't be late. We all will be there." Bora said happily.

"Sure sunshine. I'll be there promise. Good night. Meet you tomorrow." You said cheerfully.

You're kinda excited to meet your old goldies. Not to lie but you missed them so much. All the shit they talk, crazyness they do and everything about them is all you need right now. You missed Bora in real. Like, in days she was so toxic that gives you anxiety unnecessarily but still she missed you. You always love the person who mentioned you anywhere unless or untill it's Jimin.

At the Mall, you're already late to go their after your hectic schedule. But still you're not late as it's only nine and they asked you to be their till eight. But you always a late lateefa. More like a queen for whom everyone waits. You saw Bora, and ran cheerfully towards her.

"Sunshine!" You sang.

"_____, again late." Bora exclaimed arrogantly.

"Really sorry Bora. Tell me if I missed anything." You asked.

"Everything. Legit everything." Bora said.

"Why? I'll cry dude." You sighed

"Everyone already gone for movie. I'm just here to wait for you girl. Thank me." Bora rolled her eyes

"Then let's go for the movie. We can join the movie." You cheerfully smiled.

"Wait. I didn't call you here to hangout with you. I need to tell you many things." Bora said.

"Then whom we're waiting for. Let's have some goosip coffee, Sunshine." You chuckled as both of you just walked upto the near counter coffee shop. There you sat the same place you used to and have endless laughter.

She explained how she's going to marry the man of her dreams. Tells you everything about what happening in every one's life and their love life. During your old days to, Bora was the one who tells you all the goosip and love life of others. She was so much interested in other life than her own. Unfortunately you were always the one who used to hear all those boring goosips. You were never interested, neither you are now interested.

As the weather is getting happier the dark clouds surrounds the mood. You saw Areum and his Boyfriend Seokjin was also there at the mall. They're strolling down the Mall with grabbing eachother hands. They looked so happy. But you felt so bad for his boyfriend Seokjin. He never knew the actual face of Areum. You have seen after Jimin's break up also, she used to make out with him. Jimin share each and everything about that. How she bite his upper lip so much and how she was acting that everything was good and still were together. Jimin was an actual fool and you knew that. He didn't understand that, the thing which he was telling fun and gain is actually the entire opposite. Areum was all having fun with her new rich boyfriend and having a good physical life with Jimin. But here Jimin was always so sad because of her. She's an actual bitch  and act like an innocent fool.

"Bora, this is the girl I'm talking about." You pointed at Areum indirectly.

"She was Jimin's girlfriend? Ew. I always know he had a bad taste." Bora said.

"See the boy beside her, he's her new boyfriend. A total bitch." You fumed. As both of you sitting at the corner of the coffee cafe looking at them and goosiping.

"That's Seokjin. Lord." Bora yelled.

"You know him?" You asked.

"For sure. He's the friend of Jungkook. That boy is way too flirt." She giggled.

"Jungkook? You mean that boy?" You asked.

"Ya, remember during the high school party I invited him. You met him quite a few time, ____" she said.

"Wait. There's a  Long story about him also dude. Let me finish." You chuckled as you sipped your cold brew.

You explained her how during the break up of Jimin and Areum, she called her new boyfriend. With his new boyfriend there was Jungkook there to threaten Jimin. You had witnessed all the threatening Jungkook given. The way he said 'back off your little ass' , 'fuck another girlfriend, leave Areum' , 'seokjin is like my brother, if anything happens to her girl I won't leave you". All his aggression, confidence in his eyes and a way of firece. Not to mention you liked it.

All this years, you have seen Jungkook. You have seen him in the partis, malls and streets. But after he threatened your bestfriend, you kind of liked him. After that you noticed him in real. How he was flexing his arms while talking to Jimin, how he was rolling his eyes, how he was just standing there looking immensely handsome. With the white t-shirt on and cargo pants, he was looking handsome. That's the first time you actually noticed him.

You really felt bad for Jimin that all the boys get over him. But a certain part of your giggling to recalling all the moment of Jungkook. You never talked to him, neither he took an interest on you. You both were just a known stranger to each other. Known by the faces and stranger by the identity.

At the end of the meet and greet day, you were on your way to outside. Bora was with you. You both were laughing. You met with other old friends too after so long. You took some good memories photo and you felt so good at the end.

"Bora! Hey!" Someone shouted at Bora who was standing beside you at the exit of the mall. She looked back and realized it's Jungkook.

"Hey, Kook. You're here." She giggled.

"Come here with Seokjin. You too here?" Jungkook asked.

"Yeah, with _____(y/n). Meet my bestu." She pointed at you.

"I see." Jungkook just rolled his eyes on you. It's completely like ignoring you. You also completely just looked at your phone to cut off eye contact. It was like ignoring both of their conversation.

You know why he always looked so uninterested on you. After Jimin's broke up, you took Jimin's side and then all those so called cold war started. He absolutely hate you because you opposed him and supported your friend. But you know you were correct. But that never mean that you could not have a crush on him.

His dark hairs falling at his eyes with the little puppy eyes look immensely fierce. His everything is quite recognisable and you remembered each of the detailed about him. But always a guilt that you never spoke to him. You wanted to but his expression kills your inner whore.

"Then spend time with Seokjin. Meet me soon." Bora said.

"Cool. You also spend time with your bestu. I'll meet you soon." Jungkook greeted as he left both of you alone. He gave you a scary look before leaving which you clearly noticed but rolled your eyes.

◉

You entered at your work place. That day you had a lot of work to do. So, you piled up all the papers needed for the work. Basically, you were working as a manager in a hotel as you want to have enough money to publish your book. You work daily so hard to accomplish all your dreams to be a writer. Being a manager you saved enough for your book and have enough to spend the rest on your own. Your work was always way to comfortable for you.

"Good Morning,____." Your boss entered at your work place and greeted you.

"Good morning boss. Do you need something?" You asked.

"I want you to meet someone. Kook! Come in." He shouted to call someone. As he called, a guy entered in the room and it's none other than Jungkook itself.

"Meet Jungkook. From now onwards he will assist you. Your personal assistant." He said.

"Dad! I'm not anyone's assistant here. I'm not doing this thing." Jungkook barked angrily.

"You have to think about that before the car accident. To be more sincere, you have to work as an assistant until or unless I'm sure you can do something on your own." Your boss hissed. You never knew that Jung kook was son of your boss. Your boss looked quite young for a big boy like Jungkook. And never did Jungkook had been in this five star hotel you worked at. You were quite shocked while giggling inside that he had to assist you. That's mean proper supremacy.

"But dad -" Jungkook been cut off by him.

"Meet _____(y/n). I really want you to work with her. She's sincere as well as profound at her work. I think you will be a good Manager -  assistant thing." You boss said. As he mentioned your name , Jungkook looks at you. He was as stun as you.

"Thanks Boss. Hello Mr. Jeon Jungkook." You greeted and try to be as professional as you want to stop him from invading in your personal life.

"Now, you both can start your work. I'm leaving." You boss said as he left your work place leaving you and Jungkook alone.

For few minutes it was like a dread silence. Only your computer making the typing sound. You don't know how to start a conversation. The only thing you know was that you should be professional with him. No perosnal talks. Only see him as your assistant or more like your boss's son. Jungkook was there right behind you still astonished and don't know from where to start. He was already feeling so sad about being someone's assistant but it made worse after realising it's you. You were his manager. Internally he hated you, but you liked him. You know he hated so much. But neither you had talked to him nor he talked to you. It was an internal war of friendship. Because both of your mutual friends were rivals. So, you both also knew you have to be each other rivals too.

"You work here?" Jungkook smirked.

"Yes, Mr. Jeon. As you're my assistant now, I'll teach what you have to do." You weirdly smiled.

"I'm not your assistant first of all. It's for my dad sake. Or I would never have to work here." Jungkook arrogantly said.

"It's okay Mr. Jeon. But I have to abide by my boss rules." You said.

"What's with Mr. Jeon? Don't you know me?" Jungkook asked smirkingly.

"Do I?" You asked.

"Dude, you're Bora's as well as Jimin's bestfriend. I clearly have seen you hundreds of times. Don't deny that you never have seen me." Jungkook smirked.

"Sorry, Mr. Jeon. But I'm at my work place. No perosnal talks please." You hesitantly said. You felt like a large piece of stone got off from your heart. You never want to talk to him about your personal matters or it would go real wrong.

"Stop calling me Mr. Jeon for God sake. Call me Jungkook." He ranted.

"Okay, Mr. Jungkook. Anything you like." You said.

" God! You're so annoying dude. No more formalities please. Jungkook only." Jungkook yelled at you. You know how to annoy people. You were just testing his patience and as expected he was way more patienceless than you have thought.

"Okay Jungkook. Call me _____(y/n) then." You smirked.

"Whatever." Jungkook rolled his eyes as he sits at the table.

He was on his phone through out you were working. You thought of giving him some work. But the way he was sitting, getting annoyed by you and those priceless smiles across his face whenever he was playing in his phone. You can't deny but you want to admire him all day long. You and Jungkook was all alone in the room. No one was there. You were working on your files and peeping at him when he was not looking at you.

"Dude, give me some work or something. I'm getting bored." Jungkook sighed as he put his phone aside and looked at you.

"I thought you don't want to work! But sure, being your manager I'll give some work to do." You proudly said.

"Only for my dad. And also I'm bored so thought doing something with you." Jungkook said.

"Something with me?" You asked. Your sarcasm is way too knowledgeable to your friends. How you turn simple things to some random jokes.

"I-I mean some work with you." Jungkook stumbled.

You told him everything he have to do. All the rules and regulations he had to follow. But at all your words he just rolled his eyes. That kind of annoying to you and you want to beat the shit out of him. But you can be a bigger annoyance than him. And you decide to be one. As Jungkook would never find you interesting or beautiful but you would force him to do so.

After the work, when you finished all your daily work and wrote down all the things you have to do tomorrow on your diary. You were ready to go to your home and work in your book and have some delicious coffee.

"Jungkook now you're good to go. See you tomorrow." You greeted him with a smile.

"So, now what are you gonna do?" Jungkook asked.

"We did all the work today so early. So, now you can go home and so do I." You said.

"Go home! Don't you have anywhere to go? Hangout or parties?" Jungkook chuckled devilishly.

"I prefer home Jungkook. Meet you tomorrow." You said and you're on your way to exit.

"Wait ____. I'm trying to start a conversation. And you're only ignoring me." Jungkook yelled.

"I'm not ignoring. It's just I have pile of work to do." You laughed

"So, if your professional life ended can we talk about your personal life?" Jungkook asked jokingly.

"No. I don't want to." You said as you left the venue for your home. Jungkook was standing there all astonished that why you react like that. Thinks if he asked you something wrong.

As soon as you reached home, you got a text from an unknown number.

You're internally giggling and smirking that it was not you who texted first but it was him. You were happy that finally you got his number. But still you don't want to show that you liked him or anything. You just want to be professional with him so that he'll beg you to talk to him. You're way too annoying and you want to show that to him. You now just want to go tomorrow and annoy him more and more.

◉

"You did well today. You should be proud of yourself!" You smiled at him.

"I'm always proud of myself. Well, now home?" Jungkook asked.

"Yeah, let me just get my things and we'll be good to go." You said as you packed your bag up.

There Jungkook standing looking at you and your curves. He was really so rude to you at first but now he was cooperating with you. He does everything you told him and obediently he did that. As you were busy packing your things. He grabbed your diary across the table to hand over to you.

But before that he looked through the pages of the diary. First few pages, you marked all your day to day plan. Yet as he turn the pages over he looked the brief description you have pointed about everyone. This was something you do whenever you find someone interesting. You always note down their physical and behavioural characteristics about them. Because in a thought that maybe it'll help you in the near future on your books. You always make your books character with attachment of the real people existed. It's kind of a thing you really like.

"His deep ocean eyes when he looked at his rival. For me it his dark hairs which he glides with his veiny hands." Jungkook louldy sang. As you didn't noticed that Jungkook already have your diary and you're looking for it. But those lines he sang just clicked your mind.

"Jungkook! What the hell? Give me my diary." You shouted at him and punched his arms.

"Dude, I'm giving. Wait, let me read some more." Jungkook chuckled devilishly.

"Give me or I'll leave." You rolled your eyes. As he gave the diary back to you. You look at the pages he turn over and generously you looked at it. Properly examining if he fold any of the pages.

"It's okay. I didn't eat your pages." He rolled his eyes.

"I'll check that up." You arrogantly said as you pick your bag up and left for home.

The lines Jungkook read loudly was actually about him. You have written everything about him which you find interesting. You don't want to reveal your secret that you liked him. But you just wished that he didn't read his name there.

As soon as you went home, you got Jungkook's text. It's now kind of become a routine for you to get text from him at night. The whole day you just spend with him and at night we wished you 'sleep well' to end the day. You can't thank your boss enough for him. He's rude but kind. You're annoying but sweet.

"Today we don't have many work Jungkook. You can take a leave today. " You said as you pile up the papers.

"It's okay, I'll help you." Jungkook nonchantly said.

"Well, I also don't have work. So, I'm leaving already." You chuckled.

"It's only afternoon dude." Jungkook sighed

"So? You're so enthusiastic to work, huh?" You asked.

"For you." Jungkook sighed under his breath.

"Wait. You're free now? Any plans for evening?" He asked.

"No I guess. Will eat and watch something so far." You excitedly said.

"Let's hangout?" Jungkook smirked

"Huh? With whom?" You dumbly asked.

"With me of course dude. You and me. I never have talked to you in person. You always so professional." Jungkook giggled

"Umm... I might be - " you got intreuppted by him.

"Please don't say no. I also want to know why every one wants you be there bestfriend." Jungkook pleased. You really want to go at the first go but you want him to plead to you. And he did, and you accepted that.

"Okay then but home by night." You smiled. 

He accepted and asked you to wait for him till he take his car at the front. You waited for him at the main door. But you saw he forget his phone at the table. And repeatedly his phone just lights up as there were messages flooded on his phone. You decided to peep into it. Your inner detective rises as you checked his phone. You know it's wrong to check anyone's personal thing but he also did first with your diary. You looked at the top messages, it's filled with many flirty girls texts, some work related texts and lastly Seokjin text which popped up as soon as you open it.

Your inner self was burning right then. You thought Jungkook was not like that but you were wrong. He was like that, a total rude brat. But before you he acts like all sweet and flirty. Yet he was totally the different personality in real. He still thinks of you as a ugly and rival person. You can't process what did he mean by 'I'll fuck a pig than you'. You were keep repeating the lines in your head. The more you imagine it, the more your blood was boiling for him. He was traitor or a chameleon who only knows how to changes colour. You can guess how he thinks about you. He only thinks about you as a ugly, little and fatty bestfriend of his rival. You just want to see him and kick him so hard and want to know why he acts like he actually interested in you.

You were already been worse , you don't want anymore to get worst. You only need to go home and drift in your blanket and sleep till you forget that Jungkook is okay to fuck a pig but not you.

You left for your home without greeting Jungkook a bye. You don't want to hangout with him anymore. You now just want him to beg you to fuck him. You're a total psychopath for this. Your ego is far more bigger than anything in this world. Either he should beg you to fuck him or you never will see his face. You know your ways how to do that. As you think, Jungkook already called you to enquire why did you left after promising for hanging out. But you declined the call. He texted you over hundreds time to know what's wrong with you. But neither you did answer. You were completely ignoring him.

The past days you just ignored him, his texts and calls everything. Everytime he comes to talk to you at interval you just passed him. If comes to ask you something you directed him to the other managers. Even ones he asked you why you were acting so differently and ignoring him. But you straight up rolled your eyes on him. He got so annoyed by your actions. He only wants to know if he made some mistakes. But more than the mistakes you feel that it's a double game. He only wants to insult you and nothing else. You also know it's better to stay away from double faced people.

You were at your workplace constantly ignoring Jungkook. You never pick any personal calls during your work. But as it's lunch time and Jimin was calling you, being a good bestfriend you picked it up.

"Bestie! You're at work?" Jimin asked through the phone.

"Umm.. yeah. Anything?" You said.

"Today, I prepared dinner for you. Specially for you. Please come over at my place." Jimin said.

"Ahhh! Jimin! Tonight I can't. There's a lot of undone work." You ranted.

"You always say this things. Shut up, you have to. Else I will pick you up. Okay?" Jimin asked smiling.

"No need to come here. I'll come, it'll be late." You sighed.

"Great bae. Love you always." Jimin sang.

"Meet you tonight. Bye." You said.

"Say it back, piggy." Jimin shouted.

"Ahhhh love you Jimin! Bye." You also sang the same way he did and declined the call. You were already tired and again you have to go there.

Someone was there to noticed all the things you were doing, it's Jungkook. He heard all the talks with Jimin. Heard the way you have a plan tonight with Jimin, the way you sang love you to Jimin and the way you were giggling all the time talking to Jimin and not him. His inner spirit boiled to know you were again talking to that little brat who was his rival and he got jealous that you never hangout with him but you at once get ready to hangout with Jimin. He couldn't sit with his inner boiling ego. He need to ask you what happened, why did you hangout with Jimin and many other questions which a boyfriend need to ask his girlfriend. Time by time there was some sudden urge which keep him engaged with you. It  could be your personality, your way of showing emotions and everything you do. He also fall for you but still didn't know it.

Jungkook just entered the room where you were working and shut the door arrogantly. You were amazed what he just did but without caring much you did your work.

"Working, huh?" He asked. You just nodded a yes.

"Free tonight? Thinking of taking you to any restaurant." Jungkook smirked.

"Busy tonight. Hope you will understand." You rolled your eyes.

"Busy tonight with your boyfriend Jimin, huh?" Jungkook chuckled devilishly. Your eyes just burned to hear that. You frowned.

"Sry, my mistake. I mean your so called best friend Jimin." Jungkook rolled his eyes.

"Jungkook, mind your own business." You shouted. He walk up to you and stand straight right before your face.

"Now,I understand why Jimin broke up with Areum. Jimin got you." He said as he pinned you at the wall. He thoroughly looked into your eyes leaving no gap. His hot steamy breath could be sensed by your cold skin. Each word he spokes makes your heart pound. His wide chest touches your torso. He was furious and angry that time you could clearly guess. But more he come nearer to you. You felt like hugging him. Instead of asking him to leave you, you just glared into his eyes. Both of you were stolen in each other eyes. No one was taking back.

"Love you Jiminiee." Jungkook mimicked you.

"Jungkook, stop it"

"Tell me that you love Jimin and I'll leave."

"What if we stand like this forever." You winked.

"Don't play with me, ____(y/n)" Jungkook smirked as he come closer to your face.

"What if I kiss you now?" You smirkingly said.

"Then do that! Jimin again got a cheater girlfriend. Poor Jimin." Jungkook giggled.

"I'm glad that he didn't get a girlfriend like Areum." You frowned.

"Mind your business. Dare not to speak anything about them." Jungkook arrogantly said.

"Who started, huh? Who's now pinning me? Who's jealous about Jimin? Who wants to take me to dinner? Hear yourself, baby." You playfully winked as you punched him to get off from him. He took a back from you.

"Seokjin is right my taste is real bad. Live with your Jimin happily." Jungkook said.

"First of all he's right to say that. Having a friend like Seokjin shows your taste. Secondly, Jimin is not my boyfriend. Lastly, don't ever dare to talk to me and fuck off." You ranted as you leave the room.

(✿ ♡‿♡) (✿ ♡‿♡) (✿ ♡‿♡)

TAGS : @mellie1409 @pariyansha @alienatedkitten @chans-baby-girl @mwitsmejk @hello-stranger24 (sry the tags are not working)

[sandsorghum]

2021 X'MAS X'CHANGE EVENT - BONUS

About the Event

Christmas is a time all about Giving & Receiving, so I figured, What better way to celebrate the season than to write about the Love Languages of some of our favourite Jujutsu Kaisen guys?

What's their default way of demonstrating love, and how do they want it reciprocated? In this series published over the next few Tuesdays, I'll be posting analyses + headcanons/mini drabbles of these four characters:

Week One - Gojo Satoru Week Two - Geto Suguru Week Three - Nanami Kento Week Four - Choso Kamo Birthday Bonus! - Fushiguro Toji

Random thought: Toji would actually make a pretty great Santa, his worm is basically a sack full of surprises. Anyway, Happy birthday to the only legit DILF in JJK.

F U S H I G U R O T O J I

Giving: Touch

Frankly, Toji doesn’t have that much else to provide. (It’s not slander if it’s a fact.) But it’s not wholly his fault. He spent an entire life training his body to compensate for a lack of supernatural skill, so it’s no wonder if he considers that the most valuable thing he has to offer. There's a bunch of writing waxing and whimpering lyrical about his physical prowess already, so suffice to say he always leaves you thoroughly satisfied, several times over.

What I want to talk about is his tenderer type of touch. Arms around your waist afterward, calloused thumb rubbing circles against thighs, falling asleep with his nose nuzzled against your neck, the scent of you lulling him to sleep. He remains in that position until morning when he wakes refreshed (and ready for a reprise of last night.) Toji also knows a thing or two about sore muscles and how to alleviate aches (in a more innocent way!) His massages are surprisingly gentle and sensual (less surprisingly). When it comes to taking it further, he’s annoyingly persuasive (or maybe you’re simply too susceptible), but one night when you were firm in your resistance telling him you were too tired, he did something he’d never done before. He clapped a rough palm against your forehead, feeling for a fever and frowning when his hunch was proven correct with a thermometer under your tongue (unbeknownst to you, he’s extraordinarily jealous of that thermometer). With a huff he sweeps you into his arms and tackles you into bed, roughly pulling the covers up over you.

Toji bustles around getting a basin of warm water, rags and mugs of tea with the practiced swiftness of someone who’s had a lifetime of stitching up their own wounds and taking care of themselves.

“Where does it hurt?” he asks, finally climbing in after he’s made you swallow some pills.

“Nowhere…um, everywhere,” you quickly amend, seeing the glare he casts towards your pathetic attempt not to cause any fuss. “My head feels like a heavy cloud, if that makes any sense…”

“It doesn’t. But you’re in no position for logic.” Toji’s voice is terse but his touch is gentle. Your entire forehead fits between one of his large hands, calloused thumb and pointer finger tenderly probing your temples in a circular motion.

“This help any?”

“Mmh…” you shift his other hand to support the base of your skull as you snuggle against his broad chest.

“You should go…don’t wanna pass a bug to you. You have a job tomorrow, don’t you?”

“It’s fine.”

And that’s that, there’s a finality to his tone. There won’t be any more talking tonight, just the steady sound of his heartbeat lulling you to sleep against the rise and fall of his chest, with those thickly muscled arms wrapped securely around you.

Receiving: Quality Time

I had to debate this one with myself for quite a while. Initially I thought it might be gifts, until I remembered that canonically, he’s accustomed to using women as his personal piggy bank...

I don’t think Toji’s materialistic, exactly, though he does have quite a spendthrift existence. But his lifestyle and needs are fairly basic (you could even say primal.)

In fact it may not even be that he values this type of affection the most. Rather, he doesn’t put much stock by the others when it comes to receiving them. He expects sex of course, but he has such a casual attitude towards it that it’s not exactly a cornerstone of a relationship, not that he’s had many of those. You could probably count on a single hand how many serious ones he had, so ironically, you don’t anticipate him wanting to spend much time with you. But it’s precisely because he can’t that he yearns for it so much. The dynamic between him and Megumi’s mom, and how she changed him, is deeply fascinating. I think she was the first person to ever show him potential for a life amounting to more than just being obsessed with power and getting paid or laid.

Even so, his work must have taken him away from her for long stretches of time. I believe he’d take on higher risk, higher reward missions to save up for their future. He’s unlikely to ever fall for someone the way he did back then, but if you matter to him just a tiny bit, you might find him hanging around more and more, trying to recapture some sense of a different type of intimacy, one he hasn't felt a flicker of want for in a very long time.

Drabble below about how this manifests on a morning with the FWB Toji is slowly getting fond of (even if he won't admit it):

He’s casual about it, neither you nor he really notice much of a change initially. It might even be subconscious. It’ll start with situations like him coming over earlier than arranged in the evenings, then still being in bed the following morning, which you don’t think is unusual. You just assume he wants another round (he ain't gonna reject a generous offer) and maybe he’s got more stress to work off.

You only begin to suspect it’s intentional when he surprised you by asking how you like your eggs and coffee one morning. His manner is as off-handed as when he asks if you’re stocked up on condoms, so you give your answer unthinkingly.

It’s only when the scent of ground up beans and the sound of butter sizzling in the pan drifts towards you does it strike you how bizarre the situation is. Toji Fushiguro, your several-nights-stand slash default hook-up, is cracking eggs and whipping them up with chopsticks, forearms proving they’re useful for more than pinning your hips against the mattress. There’s even some green scallions, sliced on a bias.

“What’s this?”

“What’s it look like?”

It looks like a caricature of domesticity, but with Toji’s imposing silhouette towering above your stove, stern gaze directed at the flames, with the same focus and brief flicker of annoyance when you come before he allows you to, it’s starting to resemble a parody.

You still can’t quite believe your eyes when he served up two perfectly cooked, fluffy, pale yellow omelettes with a haphazard crisscross garnish of ketchup and mayonnaise, and a sprinkling of the spring onions. You only begin to trust that it’s not a hallucination at his touch, and even that is unimaginably tender, thumb swiping sauce from the corner of your lips, before slyly licking it clean from his finger, eyes glinting. There’s the Toji you’re familiar with.

You later find out that the breakfast is decidedly not free of charge.

Even so, later when he leaves just before noon, his exit extended and delayed more than ever before, you’re perplexed to find the sink spotless and the dishes done, dripping on your rack like he had been just 10 minutes earlier.

[thiserichann]

cookies and cream - lee jeno

reader x jeno

genre: smut, strangers to fuck buddies, humor if you squint hard enough

word count: 4k-ish

warnings: recklessness (she met with a stranger online, don’t do it kids) excessive lying, 18+ scenes that includes: oral (f receiving) face riding, soft dom!jeno?

This is merely a work of fiction and is not meant to hurt the image of Jeno and NCT. Again, don’t be as reckless as OP. This was just a fantasy of mine that I’ve been dying to get out of my system.

Holy fuck.

That's the only word that you've managed to utter when you decided to check your messages that morning.

You got bored in the middle of the class and decided to sneak a peek on your phone to pass the time. The class is recorded anyways so you can always just go back to the parts of the lessons that you've missed.

But holy fuck.

You never expected to see THAT so early in the morning.

"Miss Y/N?"

You snapped back to reality and stopped malfunctioning for a second when somebody called your name. Everyone including your professor remained quiet and all eyes are on you.

"Oh. Sir what’s the question again?"

You answered nervously as you tried to review your notes and backtrack on what he is discussing a few moments ago.

"I see that you're distracted in the middle of my class again. Mind sharing what you're occupied with?"

"Uhm. I was watching KPOP fancams, sir."

"Fancams won't get you into law school, Miss Y/N. Phones off please."

You tucked your phone back to your pocket and never picked it up again since. The professor started blabbering again but no information is being retained on your head. It stayed that way at your other classes.

You wished you were looking at some KPOP fancams earlier. You’ve watched fancams at class before and got away with it unscathed.

Oh no. It was a goddamn dick pic.

A good one, too.

It was from a guy that you met in a kink site a few days ago. You created the account out of boredom and expected nothing to come out from it. It’s all the flirting and sexting without all the unnecessary commitment

It only took you a few minutes to set up an account. For some privacy, you made a random birthdate and a random nickname, because like hell would you share your real information to these people. You also picked a racy picture of a lady that looked a bit like you and passed it off as your own.

Within minutes, your inbox is flooded with messages. Most of them, however, are from men who are old enough to be your father.

Well, you were bored, so you entertained everyone and then went on back to your boring, vanilla life. A few political history and theory books later, you went back to see which ones messaged you on the site.

And that's where you've met him.

The most gorgeous piece of meat alive.

He seems like a nice guy. He introduced himself as LJ and your age aren’t that far off from each other. LJ is the only one who actually engaged in conversation besides "want to fuck?" or "are you horny?"

As soon as you started messaging back and forth, you scrolled on his profile to see what he looks like. The only thing is, his profile looked a whole lot like those high fashion male underwear photoshoots.

It was an array topless pictures (presumably his, you just can’t be bothered to check if it is actually his). It featured his sculpted abs and biceps, cropped up all the way to his full lips. Despite not seeing his whole face, you knew very well that he’s a hunk. To say you were intrigued is an understatement.

Since then, you've been talking back and forth through Snapchat (your secret one because you're not stupid) and sent him actual pictures of yourself, completely omitting the face. You took one from your bed, your bathtub, and probably every part of your house that you felt is sexy enough to be included on the pics.

You can't tell him if it's him or the repressed sexual urges finally manifesting itself after more than a year of not getting laid, but every text to and from him made your heart race. It was something that you looked forward to every hour everyday.

Hours went by that you totally forgot leaving him on read. You climbed up to your bed to rest your back to the headboard and opened your unread messages.

You: Hey svlr. School stuff.

  He opened the chat and started typing right away.

  LJ: Oh good. I thought I did something wrong to upset you.

You: Not at all. I loved the pic by the way. It literally knocked my socks off.

LJ: Just the socks?

You: You can take the rest of it off yourself ;)

You scoffed. The flirty banter has always been there ever since you started talking but nothing really came out of it.

LJ: If only I could :(

You: I know. Covid’s a bitch.

You set your phone aside for a second to go to the bathroom. On your way, you picked up some snacks at the fridge and sat back down to your bed, only to find your phone blowing up.

LJ: If you're down maybe we could meet

LJ: It's totally fine if you don't want to

LJ: I just made it weird, didn't I?

LJ: I'm so sorry I brought it up in the first place

LJ: I didn't mean to make you feel uncomfortable

LJ: Hello?

LJ: I'm really sorry

You: Chill. I'm right here

You: I just went to the bathroom

LJ: Oh

You: I'd be lying if I said I don't want to meet you as well

You: Well... I wouldn't write off the idea

You: But with the Covid

LJ: Thoughts?

You: I don't think it's a great idea

The screen says Seen right at the bottom but it took him a couple more minutes before finally replying.

LJ: I understand

LJ: But in case you change your mind, I'll leave the time and place up to you

LJ: I’ll take care of the rest

LJ: Deal?

You: I'll sleep on it.

You: Speaking of sleep, I gotta go. Morning class.

LJ: Okay. I guess this is good night then

You didn't, in fact, talk to him the day after.

You'd be lying if you said that you didn't want to see him and his abs in real life. But as someone who overthinks a lot, you just can't shake off the risk.

You: Good night. Talk to you tomorrow.

What if he's not really the guy in the pics? Or he’s psycho in real life? What if he's infected the virus?

You sighed.

Why must some global pandemic ruin your sex life?

You waited until the end of the day before you finally replied to LJ. The last thing that he texted was a brief good morning from earlier in the day and nothing else. He’s actually a pretty sweet guy, totally not worth ghosting, and you actually liked talking to him as a friend that you can share your sentiments with.

With your guilt finally eating you up, you took a break from your assigned readings and sat back at your bed to rest for the day. Your fingers hovered over the keyboard for a minute, thinking of something to say to him. It took you a few tries before finally hitting the send button.

You: So, I thought about it

LJ: And?

You: I need to know I can trust you

LJ: Okay. How?

You: I don’t know. Send me a proof that you’re real. Get tested?

You: Is that fine with you?

Within a split second, he sent his reply.

He actually did it.

You couldn’t believe it but he actually did it.

LJ: Consider it done.

He got tested for physical, including the virus test, and passed with flying colors. He even sent you a vid of him inside a medical clinic.

He just sent the uncensored results this morning where you can clearly see his real name.

Lee Jeno.

LJ.

Seems legit.

Well, the uncreative nickname shouldn’t matter now because the results meant only one thing.

You’re gonna have to push through with your promise.

You got ready around noon that day. You can’t remember the last time that you actually got ready to meet someone that’s not a delivery guy or a relative passing on something to your family.

As someone who overthinks a lot, you actually got everything covered. You picked a place near a restaurant to eat. The police station is just a few blocks away just in case something happens, and right in front of a library…

“Where’re are you off to?”

You raised your backpack to show to your mother.

“I’m off to the library. I needed to get these renewed. Maybe pick up a novel or two.”

She looks at you from head to toe, eyeing that incredibly loose hoodie, faded denim jeans, some worn out sneakers that looked like it’s supposed to be thrown away years ago and a medical mask that covers about ¾ of your bare face. It’s just your usual attire whenever you go out for errands.

She just nodded and went back to watching her favorite soap opera.

“It’s nice that you’re out of your room for once. Take some cookies from the kitchen so you’ll have something to eat in case you get hungry.”

… as an alibi to get away from your strict parents.

As soon as you left the door and made sure that you’re out of sight, you found the nearest public toilet and grabbed a whole other outfit from your backpack. The hoodie is replaced by a white, ruffled see-through blouse and you ditched the jeans for a tight skirt that’s at least four inches above your knees. You tousled your hair a little bit and put on some powder and tiny hint of lipstick before putting your facemask back on again.

It’s been a while since you’ve done an elaborate scheme like this. Your skills got a little bit rusty, but they always work.

Sometimes you wonder if you’re really meant to be lawyer or a criminal instead.

You stepped out of the toilet and blended right back into society.

Now all you have to do is find wherever the hell LJ is.

Jeno sat anxiously as he waited for you right inside the café. He’s on his fourth cup of coffee but it didn’t do anything to calm his nerves down (geez I wonder why).

You: I’m almost at the café.

He’s been staring at his phone the whole time. Once he received your message, which is a pic of you in the bathroom after the outfit change, he almost choked on his drink.

This message sent him on a panic as he turned his camera on to see how he looked. He did some minor adjustments to his hair and he wiped off his eyeglasses clean with the sleeves of his hoodie (which did nothing for him by the way) and then casually sat down and played it off cool like he hasn’t been waiting for you for over an hour.

On your perspective, you walked inside the café and looked around for LJ. Fortunately, there was only guy inside the café, twiddling with his phone on his hands and as he kept on peeking through the glass windows as if he’s looking for someone.

From afar, he actually looked really cute. His appearance, a shy, nerdy dude with glasses, looked way off from the fuckboy image that you expected him to have in reference to the messages that you’ve been getting from him.

It’s always the quiet ones that are kinky. You should know, you are one.

You walked over to his table and tapped his shoulders to get his attention.

He froze for a moment before he finally managed to turn around and face you.

“You’re actually here.”

“I know. I’m just as surprised as you are.”

tap tap tap tap

The room is so quiet that the only thing you can hear is the sound of your heels tapping against the tiled floor. You can say that that is one of your observable annoying habits tapping your foot on the floor when you're a nervous wreck.

Sighing in retaliation, you removed your hoodie, fanning yourself as you tried to relax and get comfy on the hotel couch (which should be comfortable enough since you paid a shit ton of money on that room), switching the TV on to get your mind off of things. The lackluster array of shitty sitcoms didn’t distract you at all, but it instead reminded you of the reasons why you’re in that room in the first place.

Having nothing to do to pass the time, you paced back and forth in the room, finally sitting down once you realized that it looks way worse than you just tapping your foot. You folded your arms right across your chest, looking at the watch from time to time but the hands of the clock seem to be moving slower the more you stare at it.

Quarantine started almost a year ago and it's been very hard for you. Sexually. It's been almost a year since you've been touched by a man and you’re more than ready to jump on anyone’s dick at any this point,

Too bad that that dick is taking his sweet time in the bathroom.

tap tap tap tap

Your foot found its rhythm once again, only this time, you’re not nervous anymore. Your patience is wearing thin.

As if summoned by the constant tapping, the guy comes out of the bathroom, just casually drying himself while wearing nothing but the towel dangerously hanging on his waist and a boyish smile on his lips.

No biggie.

"Hey."

Suddenly, you’re not tapping anymore.

Head empty, just thoughts of a hot guy patting down a towel all over his toned body.

“I hope I didn’t make you wait for too long.”

He spoke, tossing aside the towel on his hands on the sofa, finally giving you a full view of him and all his glory.

You must admit, you’re skeptical at first. The guy that’s been sending you faceless thirst traps just days ago, telling you how he’d fuck you senseless looked a lot different from the guy who entered the hotel room just a moment ago.

He came in wearing those black oversized hoodies that did a great job in hiding his best features. His hair was a bit long for your taste, covering half of his face while the face mask hid the other.

But this man right here in front you, he’s Adonis.

You unconsciously bit your lower lip, earning a chuckle from the guy.

“I’m guessing that you’d like to start now?”

You nodded, the tension and awkwardness rendering you unable to speak.

He smiles as he takes the remote from you, turning off the television because the main show is about to start.

You started to tense up again, eyes wide as you realized that he’s now right beside you, wrapping his arms around you as soon as he sat down. He leans over, soft lips coming into contact with your exposed neck and shoulders, landing small pecks all over.

You sat there breathless as he slowly ran his fingers to the side of your thighs, tracing circles at it while giving small, reassuring kisses on your neck and shoulders. It’s as if he’s asking you for your consent, waiting for you to open up to him before he makes a move.

He got his answer when you turned around to face him, running your fingers into his cheeks before cupping his face, your lips finally touching his. He moved in the same pace as earlier, slow and calculating. You got a bit impatient once again, biting his lower lips gently to let him know that he can do more.

He grabbed you by the waist and successfully placed you on top of him. The kiss got even more sloppy as you ran your hands through nape, then into his soft locks. His hands travelled once again, finger running through legs again, stopping as soon as he reached the hem of your skirt, flipping it up to reveal the thin lace material that barely covered your core. You took that as initiative to remove the towel on his waist and grinded against his growing member, the friction and heat enough to earn a groan out of him.

He held your waist once again, firmly this time, halting your movement completely.

You broke away from the kiss, staring him in the eyes to read his face.

“Something wrong?”

“Hold tight.”

You were about to ask about what hold tight mean, but your arms cling unto him involuntarily as he lifts the both of you out of the sofa.

Jeno laid you gently in the bed, making sure not to break eye contact as he does so. He looked like he's about to eat you alive, which is enough to send flush to your cheeks.

“I would’ve loved to bend you over that sofa, but I think it’s just proper that our first time will be on the bed.”

"God. You're beautiful."

He then ran his fingers towards the thin fabric of your blouse, feeling every part of your torso like he's memorizing every detail of it. His hands then travelled in your chest, squeezing the swell of your breasts on each hand, fingers shaking as he does so. It felt like an artist admiring his delicate work of art.

He situated himself between your legs, taking a moment to admire you first before doing anything else.

He started to run his hand on your cleavage and stopped on the uppermost button of your blouse, taking his time to remove all of them and placing a kisses at the exposed skin. After all of the buttons are taken care of, you lifted your body up and slid off the fabric. Your black lacy bra finally made its appearance. You took the liberty of taking that off too, as slow and as you possibly can.

 Jeno just stared at your body in awe, breathing heavily as his eyes scanned your naked glory.

 "Gorgeous."

He said under this breath before leaning down to claim your lips once again. You're turned on by how much attention he's giving your body now. You're usually loud in bed but his gestures are making you bashful. You've never felt this beautiful before.

You can feel his hands trembling as it travels all over your body, his kisses getting even more needy. There was moans of satisfaction every time he would lick your lips. Jeno was kissing you like you were oxygen and he needed to breath.

His hands travelled south, running across your thigh and your now aching core. You're about to remove your skirt and underwear but he stopped your hands midway.

"Keep it."

He took your hands away from your skirt and placed them just above your head.

"Just sit there and relax baby. Let me treat you."

You did just like he told you and gave him full control of your body.

"Good girl."

His lips brushed your ears, whispering sweet nothings about how beautiful you are under him. His kisses then went down to your neck, using his tongue and teeth, marking everything he can get his mouth on with his saliva. Meanwhile, his hands finally touched you down there, massaging your still clothed wetness.

His middle and index finger felt your slit, moving it in swift motion in search for your clit.

"Oh my god. That's it."

You gasped as his fingers finally hit the right spot, tossing your head back as his fingers made circles at your bundle or nerves.

You opened your legs more, leaning on your arms on your back, head tossed back and eyes closed as you feel your impending orgasm.

He dipped his hand inside your underwear and collected some of your essence with his fingers. The mental picture of him licking his fingers deliciously is enough to get you off for weeks.

It didn't take long before he took your panties off and his ducked his head down. He opened your legs once again and licked one long stripe on your core, making sure to taste all of you. You sat there and watch as he hungrily takes all of you in his mouth, acting like your pussy is a full course meal and he's been starving for years.

Within moments, you've become a moaning, toe curled mess. You ran your fingers to his blonde hair, guiding him on how to move his tongue and fingers on you. At one point, he bit some of your sensitive skin, making you scream a string of curses under your breath.

"Stop stop stop."

You grab a fistful of his hair and he paused from what he was doing. You pushed him gently away from you, leaving him staring at you confusedly. The confusion didn't last long when you flipped your current position, you're now on top.

"Can I ride your face?"

At this point, you're bold and horny enough to use your words and ask him. He just nodded, sliding himself from underneath you and went back to eating you like a champ. You grabbed his hands and placed them across your chest, squeezing your breasts to send him a message. He was quick to pick up and followed suit, pinching your nipples right in between fingers while your ride his face to orgasm.

"Shit. I'm coming..."

  You writhed from above him as you come undone. Your body felt cold all over. Your eyes are ringing, feeling dizzy as you almost passed out while you bucked your hips a few more times to milk your release.

You didn’t have time to recover when you heard your phone ringing from outside. Your legs felt a little shaky and you almost tumbled and hit your head in the wall if Jeno didn’t help you get up. You  sat down on the floor, butt-ass naked as you frantically searched for your phone from under all of your stuff before you finally pressed the answer button.

“Yes mom?”

“Where have you been? Your father’s been looking for you at the library. He’s picking you up on your way home.”

You buried your head on the couch to shake off the buzzing feeling on your head. You placed a pillow on your body while you searched for your discarded clothes all over the hotel room.

“Oh yeah. I went to the café and got something to eat. Tell Dad I’ll meet him outside the library.”

“Okay sweetie. Can you pick up some groceries on your way back? I’ll text you the list.”

“Yeah mom. Bye.”

You breathe a sigh of relief as you started putting on the outfit that you wore when you left home.

“Where are you going?”

Jeno reluctantly got dressed as well, his shy demeanor came back as soon as he wore his glasses and fixed his hair.

“I got to go, Jeno. I’m sorry that I’m leaving in such a bad time…”

You went over to him and placed a sweet kiss on his lips.

“I promise to make it up to you next time, okay? I’d love to meet you again.”

You grabbed a paper bag from your backpack and handed it to him, waving as you bolted out the door.

After fixing his things, he sat down for a moment and took a quick peek inside the package that you left him.

It was a ziplock bag of full of cookies and a whole other treat.

You left him your two-piece lace lingerie.

To be continued.

[stonertransdad]

Life Update since I hadn't been on here in forever

The pandemic was/is wild! Lockdowns started literally around the time we were going to the fertility specialist to get her pregnant. I lost my job to COVID in March shortly before we did the procedure, but we decided there's never really a good time to have a kid. Why not during a global pandemic when one of us in unemployed? (BTW, I don't recommend having a kid during a pandemic. Not being able to go to all of the appointments and having to sit in the parking lot was brutal.)

Let's talk about May friends...it was rough. (TW for mention of suicide btw. I'll post a gif where it's safe to start again if you wanna skip over it.)

So May 1st is the anniversary of my father's suicide. It had been 4 years. I found his body and since he wasn't married, I had to handle his affairs and arrange his funeral. May 1st, 2020 my wife and I had a Zoom game night with our friends and I got drunk because everyone was drinking (except my wife because she was pregnant). After our game night at like 2am, I had a psychotic break. I threatened to kill myself numerous times. My wife tried to talk me down, but eventually called the cops to take me. I thank her for that because looking back, that was the moment I knew something needed to change. I was convinced the cops were gonna kill me because I'm a trans dude in rural West Texas. I legit took the phone out of my wife's hand, hung up on 911, and yeeted her phone across the backyard and tried to hop the fence. Eventually the cops came and talked me down. They took me to the hospital an hour away in handcuffs (for their protection I did nothing wrong). They took me to the religious hospital that I was born in. So when they looked up my info by my name and date of birth from my driver's license (I only changed my middle name) literally all my paperwork and my bracelet had my deadname and wrong gender despite all of my legal stuff saying male with my new middle name. I mentioned it to them and they didn't care. They misgendered me the entire time I was there. I had hit my head hella hard on the bath tub when my wife was trying to snap me out of it, did the hospital even check me for concussion? Nope. I had punched so many things and my hand and wrist were swollen and discolored. Did they check out my hand and wrist? Nope. I was there for over 10 hours before I was able to convince them I was okay and that it was just the alcohol. Did I mention during that 10 hours I was literally out in the hall on a gurney with no mask and this was when COVID was running rampant in Texas (the first time)? I heard people die that night. I had nothing to distract me because they took away all of my personal items and clothes. My wife picked me up and we went home and I have been sober ever since. It's not the first psychotic break I've had with alcohol in my system. Alcohol just doesn't agree with me, but I'm finding new things to replace it with.

TW has been lifted...it's safe now.

A couple of weeks after that I began teletherapy because I had been on the same mood stabilizer and anti-depressant for almost a decade. The more I thought about it, the more it made sense that I felt like it hadn't been working for at least a year. This is a reminder to check in with your doctor if you feel like your meds aren't working. You may just need a different dose or a new med. There's no shame in that. I bounced around on various medications trying to find the right combo, some side effects scarier than others, but we got there. Before this, I had been diagnosed with ADHD, Major Depressive Disorder, Borderline Personality Disorder, and Generalized Anxiety Disorder. My therapist threw out my Borderline diagnosis and said it was CPTSD instead, which made sense.

Fast forward to December because my wife was pregnant, I was unemployed still, and we did absolutely fuck-all because the global panini was still raging.

Our son was born on December 3, 2020. He weighed 5lbs 9oz and scared the ever loving shit out of us. He wasn't breathing when he was born so they called NICU in ASAP. I'm freaking out because I can hear and see what's going on while my wife was asking if he was okay as they put her guts back in place to sew her up. 5 or so minutes pass and a nurse asks if I want her to take some pictures. I'm like is he okay, he still hasn't cried. She's like "oh yeah, he's chillin." This goon was being held by a nurse and was just looking around not crying or anything. Chillest baby ever (he still is btw). I held him next to my wife's head until it was time to go back to the room. Little dude did have to spend 4 nights in the NICU because he couldn't keep his sugars or temperature regulated, but he was healthy otherwise. He's now 4 months old and is starting to sit up on his own a little bit and he's OBSESSED with standing. He's still a little guy, but very healthy and growing like a weed. He saves my life daily.

So after being unemployed for over 9 months, I started a new job working in a call center. I absolutely hate talking on the phone. It gives me anxiety and throws me into panic attacks, but I had been putting out hundreds of job applications since I lost my last job and this was the first offer I got. I wasn't really in a position to turn it down since my unemployment had ran out 2 months prior. It was 2 months of training, then we'd be on our own. I got thru the training and thought I could handle it...until they started putting us on live calls with someone helping us if we got stuck. My mental health hit the lowest point it had in a few years and my wife was terrified she was going to lose me. She convinced me to quit on February 28th (not because I didn't want to, but because I'm a stubborn ass who felt guilty). My meds got tweaked a little bit more dosage wise during this mess.

Starting about mid-February, I was experiencing severe shakiness, tremors, and spasms. I've always been a shaky person and never really thought too much about it, but at some points I could barely feed myself, or get a drink, or hold my son. On March 7th, I tried to make an appointment with my doctor about the weird symptoms I was experiencing, but she was out of town and her next opening wasn't until the 31st. My body said that won't work and my wife rushed me to the ER on the 9th...I had begun having seizures that day. I had no previous history of seizures. Got to the ER and had a seizure literally as I was walking thru the door, so they rushed me straight back. They took some blood and that was literally it. No MRI. No CT. They pumped me full of Ativan and said it was just a panic attack and to go home and chill.

Spoiler Alert: It wasn't just anxiety. I was having 20+ seizures a day. On the 10th, my wife rushed me to a different hospital...the good hospital over an hour away. First we had to drop off our gremlin with my mom to make things a little easier. Yet again, I had a seizure as I walked in the door and was taken back immediately. I don't really remember much because they kept pumping me full of Ativan and morphine because I had been in excruciating pain from the number of seizures I'd had. I do remember them doing a CT pretty quickly after I got there. Then they weren't happy with the results of the CT, so they took me to get an MRI, which showed possible signs of Multiple Sclerosis (but I didn't find that out until AFTER the notes showed up in my patient portal after being home a few days, so I raised hell...more on that later.) They did a 24 hour EEG on me and it showed nothing abnormal. Also, EEG glue is a bitch on your hair and scalp. After looking at everything and given my previous mental health history, they diagnosed me with Psychogenic Non-Epileptic Seizures, or PNES. It is a subset of Functional Neurologic Disorder, or FND. I couldn't walk well anymore and had to use a walker when I was discharged. I was in the hospital for 3 days.

When I had my follow-up appointment on the 23rd, I asked why the possibility of MS was never mentioned to me since it was very clearly in the notes. The doctor didn't have an explanation. He called in a referral to neurology so I could get a 2nd MRI to confirm MS and marked it as high priority. He also didn't take my pain seriously. My pain levels had been at a 5 or higher every single minute since they took me off of the morphine in the hospital. He told me to keep taking prescription strength doses of ibuprofen and Tylenol, which I had been. I let him know I had been and it didn't even take the edge off the pain. He ignored me. Leading up to this appointment, I had also added urinary incontinence to my growing list of symptoms and was forced to wear diapers so I didn't have to do laundry all the time. The doctor also took me off my ADHD meds because they were lowering my seizure threshold. He also took me off of my sleeping meds and nightmare meds for the same reason I'm assuming.

I kept my appointment on the 31st with my primary doctor because she's been my doctor for 5 years now and I knew she'd take my pain seriously. She did. She immediately wrote me prescriptions for a muscle relaxer and Tylenol 4. She also told me that my referral had been rejected by neuro. She said my case wasn't a good one for what she called a "wallet biopsy" and the doctors in neurology could be real assholes. She immediately sent the referral to other locations to get an approval. I am still waiting on that despite it being marked as high priority. She wrote me a prescription for a wheelchair because we both agreed my wheelchair was not enough for particular days.

Yesterday my wheelchair was finally ready for pickup, so my wife drove me to go get it. I'm still unable to drive due to my seizures and my tremors and twitches as it's predominantly in my legs and arms. I am an ambulatory wheelchair user now. Some days I can go short distances without my walker, some days I can't go without my walker, some days I can't even get out of bed, and some days I will be using my wheelchair. Don't judge a book by its cover, not all disabilities are visible. I have managed to keep my daily seizure count down in single digits and have even had a few seizure free days. They are still incredibly taxing on my body. I feel like I can't ever replenish my spoons fast enough to keep up with anything in my life.

So all in all, life has been chaotic. We are moving from Texas to New Mexico in the next few weeks, which should be interesting considering I can't overdo it without throwing myself into seizures. We will be closer to my mother-in-law so she can help us with our son and I can start resting a bit more on the more difficult days. Being a stay-at-home dad with an invisible illness has been one of the most challenging things I've done in my life, but I wouldn't change it for the world.

Sorry this is so long. I just wanted to update my followers since it's been over a year since I posted before a few days ago.

[jazminetoad]

In My Reality | Chapter 1: Dreams & Wishes

Yo, I finally finished the actual first chapter of this new series! I originally wanted to get this out within a week of the prologue’s release but this turned out to be longer than I imagined. All of my TLC went into this for the past three weeks, I haven’t felt this passionate for a project in a long time. I hope you enjoy it just as much as I do! ^-^

(This is a Tatsumi brothers x Reader)

(To read the first part, click -> Prologue)

(To read the next part, click → Chapter 2)

(Click “Keep reading” to read the story)

"Geez [n/n], you look so tired," Kamida pointed out. "Did you get any sleep last night?"

"Yeah, I did," I told them before a yawn escaped my mouth. "Just not as much as I wanted."

The three of us were standing at one of the local bus stops that took us downtown. It was our usual meeting spot since it crossed paths with the sidewalks that led us to our houses. We were heading to the arcade, our pockets filled with coins and our phones. The two artists were awake and ready but I on the other hand wished I stayed in bed.

"Oh?" Kamida quirked a brow.

"Did you go to sleep when we ended the call?" Meri-chan questioned, narrowing her eyes at me. 'Course in my sleepy state, I wasn't bothered by her laser stare.

"No-"

"[Name]!"

"Look, I wasn't ready to fall asleep at the time. Can you blame me?" I asked only to receive a sigh for an answer. "I didn't stay up too late anyway-"

"When?"

"When what?"

"When do you go to sleep?" Meri-chan inquired, placing her hands on her hips.

'Playing the mom friend, are we now?' I thought to myself. 'At least I don't have to deal with the teasing wingman.'

"Around 2 in the morning," I mumbled.

"[Name]!"

"What did you even do during that time?" Kamida asked, saving me from Meri-chan's lecture.

"I just watched the twins' episodes from Juuni Taisen." I noticed Meri-chan was about to go on again so I added, "Hey, at least I didn't watch the entire series."

"That's not the point," Meri-chan stated. I just shrugged in response.

"You really love those two, don't you," Kamida asked me.

"Yup."

I lost track of how many times I rewatched their episodes long ago. While rewatching the entire Anime is great, I didn't have the patience to go through six other episodes before seeing my favourite twins. I then just kept replaying the twins' episodes, eventually losing track of how many times I did. It's just that every time I watch the two episodes, the more I felt I could understand them. It made them seem as if they were real, but the reality is that they're not and I have to remember that. That doesn't stop my dreams though, speaking of my dreams...

"You know, I had an unusual dream last night," I told my friends. "It wasn't like the rest of my dreams that were strange and went all over the place. This dream it... it was of the Tatsumi Brothers but- but it was alternate ending with them." I left out the description of what happened because it'd spoil the Anime for Kamida, and I didn't want to do that.

"What do you mean by 'alternate ending'?" Meri-chan inquired, raising a brow.

"Like it was the ending of Juuni Taisen but different," I answered. "It just- it looked so real! It felt like I was actually watching the Anime until I woke up. You get what I'm saying?"

"Ummm, no," Meri-chan responded, sounding puzzled.

"Really?" I deadpanned.

"I get what you're saying," Kamida piped, pushing his glasses up for the Anime effect. My brow raised in question as to what his next words would be. "You're saying you're obsessed with the two to the point you dream of them!" He stated, pointing an index finger at me.

"Ack-! No!"

"Relax [n/n]," Kamida laughed. "I'm just messing with ya."

"Ha ha..." I let out before another yawn escapes.

"Man, you really are tired."

"I think the dream took my energy," I theorized, rubbing my eyes to stay open. Just as the words left my mouth, we all caught a glimpse of the approaching city bus. I don't know if it was just me but the thing seemed to be taking its sweet time to get to the bus stop.

"It's okay, [Name]. You can take a nap on the bus," Meri-chan told me as the bus came to a stop. "We'll wake you up when we're at the stop near the arcade."

"Alright."

Following my friends, I stepped onto the bus. It wasn't crowded, which made sense considering most people were still working at 2 in the afternoon. Kamida found a set of seats for all of us and sat down, Meri-chan sat next to him, then I plopped down in the seat next to her. Adjusting my position to try and get comfortable enough to fall asleep, I tilted my head to the side and let my eyes fall shut. Soon enough, I had drifted into sleep.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"Is that thing any good?" Nagayuki asked his younger brother, watching him eat the deceased, cooked lizard.

"Yeah, it's awesome!" Takeyasu's sarcasm dripped with venom as his teeth tried to tear the scaled arm. "What do you think?"

The elder twin just blankly stared at his brother. Silence filled the air around them, but the sound of the younger twin eating his dead pet prevented the silence from taking over the scene. That was until the echo of a knock on their door emitted into their ears.

In sync, they both turned their attention to the door wondering who'd come to the door at this hour aside from a delivery man, but it wouldn't make sense for it to be a delivery man. Neither of them had ordered anything. The two gave each other a glance of uncertainty before Nagayuki let out a sigh, pinching the tip of his nose.

"I'll answer it," he stated as he approached the front door.

"Alright." Takeyasu reached over and grabbed his weapon, pulling it close for easy access, just in case.

The feeling around them pulled the twins towards the edge as eerie vines grew in the room. Masking his expression, Nagayuki slowly twisted the knob and partially opened the door. He briefly eyes the person standing on the other side.

It was a man with a top hat, grey hair tied back into a ponytail, facial hair, and the structure of his face made him seem elderly. He wore a black long coat with a grey scarf and white gloves. By this alone, the elder Tatsumi brother was able to tell this man dressed to blend into the shadows and meant business. Something else emitted from the man, it seemed to be supernatural. If it had been a normal person answering the door, they would've brushed the feeling off as if it was nothing because they don't believe in it, but Nagayuki knew the supernatural existed because he was living proof. That said, he grew cautious, thinking carefully of his next actions.

"Can I help you?" Nagayuki asked the man with a stoic face.

"I do believe this is the household of the Tatsumi brothers, Nagayuki and Takeyasu, if my sources are correct," the man spoke with an unreadable smile.

"So what if it is?"

"My name is Duodecuple," the man introduced himself. "I am from the Juuni Taisen organization."

Nagayuki raised a brow, suspicious of this mysterious person. When the head of the dragon and snake household explained how the Juuni Taisen contacted you the instructions of how to get to the location, they sent a letter in a red envelope with gold wax as its seal, and it was delivered through the mail. Why was this man here?

"Are you?" Nagayuki questioned. "Do you have any proof to back up that claim of yours?"

"I figured you would say something like that," Duodecuple said, his gloved-hand reached into his coat and pulled out a red envelope with a golden seal, handing it to Nagayuki.

Taking it from the man, the elder Tsumita twin opened the letter and thoroughly read the message written. Sure enough, this was legit. Glancing back at the man, still with a hint of suspicion, Nagayuki folded the letter and placed it back in the envelope before handing it back to him.

"Alright, so why are you here exactly? Last time I checked, you don't escort the warriors to the Juuni Taisen."

"While that is indeed true, I am here on the behave of a wish someone made. A wish that you and your brother wouldn't partake in the Juuni Taisen."

Takeyasu, who was listening to the conversation nearby, swung the door open and fired his weapon at the man. In his mind, that statement is something said before another person is killed. Not necessarily a threat, but even so it wasn't something to take lightly. He wasn't taking the risk of his brother being killed.

Nagayuki hardly had any time to react before his brother started burning the person in front of them. Part of him wanted to scold his brother for acting impulsively, but gratitude is the feeling that stirred inside him. He became unsettled after what the man said, and if it wasn't for Takeyasu, there was a chance the walls would've been stained with blood. However, he should stop his brother before they burn down the apartment building, he doesn't want to have to move again.

"Alright, that's enough, Takeyasu," Nagayuki told his twin, putting a hand on the younger one's shoulder. As the final remains of ember faded away after Takeyasu had stopped, both twins saw that no evidence was left behind of the man. "You really got him good..." Nagayuki stated, almost in disbelief.

"I do believe it is considered rude to try to kill someone before they finish what they are saying." Duodecuple's voice lurked behind them. The two flinched and spun around to discover the man standing there with no trail of smoke or ash on him as if he never had made contact with the fire. "But since you are warriors, I suppose that is an exception."

"I'd like to see you try and avoid this!"

"Wait-" Nagayuki tried to stop his brother from making any haste moves but his brother slithered quickly and tried to attack the old man with physical combat.

From the way the man never flinched and stood his ground, Nagayuki knew something was up. Sure enough, when Takeyasu struck he phased right through. Surprised by this, Takeyasu barely had time to recover and stumbled to catch himself. Once he steadied himself, he looked back to the elder man with narrowed eyes, growling.

"Now, now, I don't mean to bring any harm," Duodecuple reassured the two, holding up one of his gloved hands to gesture he meant no harm. "I am just here to fulfill a wish..." he paused for a brief moment to lower his hand. "Three wishes actually."

"Huh?" Both Tatsumi brothers spoke in sync, confused. Why would there be three wishes that involved them?

"By your tone, I am sure you are confused. I do not blame you however, even if you remembered your own wish you still would not know where the third one came from."

The twins' eyes glanced at each other before going back to the man. If they had made their wish and Duodecuple was here to grant it then that means they were already in the Juuni Taisen and won. What didn't make sense was how did they both win? Did something change where they could both win? If that was the case, why was Duodecuple here before the Juuni Taisen even started? Then there was still the third wish that didn't fit in the picture.

"Since it is not possible for the two of you to avoid the Juuni Taisen while in this plane of existence, our organizers thought it would be best to move you to another. And since the organizers are generous, they thought to grant another wish that would benefit both you and the wisher."

Once again, the Tatsumi brothers shared a look. Both unsure if there was a catch, and both having a lot of questions running through their minds. This entire situation seemed to be too good to be true then again, it was the Juuni Taisen. From what the twins heard, they made anything possible, the power they have is unimaginable.  Still, better to find out now.

"Is there anything else we should know about?" Nagayuki inquired.

"You will be living with the wisher," Duodecuple informed them. "As I said, it is a win-win situation. You will be informed of the new plane and you will have a new place to stay, it makes things more convenient."

"Alright, so we get our wish granted and a new roommate." Takeyasu turned his gaze to his brother, a smirk on his face. "It doesn't seem all that bad."

"I am glad to hear that. That being said, you have seven hours to pack everything you need before you are escorted to your new home," Duodecuple told them, taking off his hat and bowing. His form began to pixelate away until the air was the only thing that remained where the mysterious hologram once stood.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"[Name], wake up," Meri-chan whispered, nudging me awake. "We're here."

"Huh? Oh, right," I mumbled before a yawn escaped my mouth as I rose to my feet.

Once the three of us had walked off the bus, I stretched my stiff limbs. Satisfaction filled me as the musical sound of my bones cracking played through my ears. I was on that bus for too long, but if that meant I got more sleep, I didn't mind. However, I still wished I had been sleeping, for one I still felt like I needed more rest, and two, I wanted to continue the dream I had. It felt real like the one I dreamt the night before, just as if I was watching Juuni Taisen. I found it rather strange that twice in a row I had a dream like that.

"Feeling more awake now, [n/n]?" Kamida asked me.

"Kinda," I answered honestly before I drew a smirk on my face. "Awake enough to be able to beat you at Street Fighter!" I told him, poking his arm then picked up my feet and dashed towards the building.

"Oh no, you don't!" Kamida shouted, sprinting after me.

"Hey, no fair! You guys got a head start!" Meri-chan complained, following behind, trying to keep up.

'Course, it didn't take long before Kamida was running ahead of me, he had the height advance. Kamida is taller than both me and Meri-chan, and I am taller than Meri-chan which leaves her as the shortest out of our trio. That said, it was the order in which we all arrived at the arcade's main doors. Laughter emerged from us as we stumble at the front entrance.

"You guys are so slow," Kamida jeered.

"Yeah, yeah." I waved it off with a hand before strolling over and opening the door. "After you."

"As the wingman, I insist you go first," he stated holding the door open.

"Fine." I stepped into the world of entertainment and scanned the dark place where black and neon lights hung from. Only a few kids were here today, which means more gameplay for us! "Alright!" I thought out loud.

"Hey [n/n]-chan," Meri-chan addressed me, catching my attention. "Let's play a round of air hockey."

"Yeah- we can do our match later Kamida," I told him, still wanting to do that duel.

"Cool, I'll just be playing Space Invaders over here," he said before walking away.

"Alright, Meri-chan." My hand fished out a dollar from my pocket and inserted it in the coin slot, activating the machine. Taking the puck from the goal and placing it on the table, I put on my game face. "First to ten wins."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

"Aw man," I groaned, seeing my Pac-man die for 4th time playing this multiplayer game.

"You're off your game today," Kamida commented as his eyes focus on the screen, trying not to get eaten by Meri-chan's red Pac-man.

"Gee, I wonder what makes you think that." I playfully rolled my eyes, chuckling as I saw Kamida's blue Pac-man get eaten.

"Dang it!"

"Haha!" Meri-chan cheered in victory, throwing her hands in the air.

I felt a smile form on my face seeing my friends act the way they did, but my mind couldn't help but focus on the dreams I had earlier. They were stuck bouncing around my loop of thoughts, perhaps that's why I was off my game. Who can blame me though? It's not like I get these dreams every day so the fact they happen was a puzzle itself, maybe if they happened more often I wouldn't be so distracted.

"Well darn, it's 5:10." Meri-chan's statement caused me to get off my train of thought.

"Shoot, I'm supposed to be home by 6," I told them.

"And I'm supposed to be cooking dinner tonight for me and my little brother," Kamida grumbled as he dug into his pocket and pulled out his phone.

"Should we leave now and catch the next bus?" Meri-chan asked, her eyes looking at us after her phone was put back in her pocket.

"Yeah, the next bus arrives in 15 minutes," Kamida informed us, checking the bus schedule.

"Let's get going then," I said leading the way out of the arcade. Stepping outside after being inside that dim-lit building burned my eyes. My hands shot up to block the setting sun as I let out a snake-like hiss, taking a few steps back.

"Hhhhh, why couldn't it be night when we left?" Meri-chan complained, getting the same effect.

"I don't know, I don't control time," Kamida replied to her squinting his eyes to try and adjust back to the normal lighting. "Come on guys, we don't have much time before the bus gets to the stop."

"Right," I nodded, setting my hands in my jacket pockets after my eyes were used to the lighting, following the others.

"You guys wanna do this again tomorrow?" Meri-chan asked, starting conversation as we strolled to the bus stop.

"I already have stuff going on tomorrow," I lied. It's not that I didn't want to spend time with them, I just didn't want to go outside until I have to go back to school.

"And I'm going to be at my grandparents for the next three days. That's why I said we should hang out today," Kamida explained.

"Oh, that's alright. We can always voice chat at night," Meri-chan optimized.

"Yeah." A yawn escaped from my mouth once again. 'Man, I really do need sleep.'

"[n/n], you should take a nap when you get home."

"I will, I will," I grumbled. 'After I take a shower.'

I probably won't remember to take a nap when I get home, cause with showering and then dinner practically ready when I'm finished, the thought will be lost in my head. Not to mention my dreams are what have been occupying my mind. Usually, they don't, but I believe I'm still grasping onto them since I don't want them to slip away.

'What do the dreams mean?' It appeared too real to be just a normal dream but to call it a vision would absurd. Visions are stuff that happened, will happen, or a sort of warning, at least that's how it is in movies. The closest thing I ever get to a vision is the random flashes of deja vu I receive. Perhaps I'm overthinking this, maybe I'm just having proper dreams for once. Yeah, that's probably it, I-

"Whoa there, [n/n]!" Kamida grasped my hood to prevent me from walking any further.

"Huh?" I voiced, confused by his actions, I turned my head to him and gave him a "Why did you do that?" expression.

"We're at the bus stop, dummy," Meri-chan informed me.

"Oh, oops." I sweatdropped as I stood beside them.

"We're just in time too," Kamida pointed out as he watched the bus drive towards the stop.

One by one, we stepped onto the bus. I noticed the number of people taking this transportation has grown since it's at an hour where most people get off work, luckily there was still a three-seat row open for us. My legs took haste to snatch the spot before it could be in someone's possession, then I plopped down onto the window seat. By the time I had shifted into a comfortable yet civil sitting position, my friends had joined me. Kamida next to me and Meri-chan sitting on his other side.

Vines of silence grew around us so we didn't disturb anyone lurking in our surroundings. I wasn't phased by the lack of conversation, taking the opportunity to gaze at the modern buildings the bus drove by and dive further into the waters of my mind. Going through the catalogue of my memory, I searched for the recent dream I had and play it once I had found it. Something felt out of place in that dream, and it wasn't just because the scenario differed from the canon result of the flashback in episode 8 of Juuni Taisen. The fact Duodecuple stated he came to fulfill three wishes and not two didn't make sense.

If I connected the dots correctly, the first two wishes were Nagayuki and Takeyasu's wish to not partake in the Juuni Taisen, but then where did the third wish come from? Why would there be a third wish? Did I miss something in my first dream? Is it possible that if I slept a bit longer this morning I would've found out who made the third wish?

Multiple questions danced in my mind but they couldn't find any answers for them to waltz around with. After all, they were left in the mystic unknown, the only way they could return to the known land and find answers is if I returned to the dream realm, but there's no guarantee that it'll give me what I'm looking for. I highly doubt I'd be able to get another dream of the Tatsumi brothers again, my dreams have been generous enough to grant me two normal dreams in a row, I don't think they're going to give me a third. Still, it would be nice-

"[n/n], we're at our stop," Kamida informed me while waving a hand in front of my face.

"Uh-right... right," I responded and arose to my feet, following them out of the bus. Once outside, I brushed myself off, watching the bus drive out of view. Turning my attention to my friends, my hands set themselves in my jacket pockets. "So I guess I'll see you guys at school."

"{Yup|Yeah}," they answered at the same time.

"Alright, see ya then guys." I waved, beginning to stroll backwards in the direction of my house.

"Bye!"  Meri-chan exclaimed, waving.

"See ya." Kamida gave a small wave before turning and heading home.

I faced forward once we had disappeared in our path home, eyeing the slim light that emerged from the sun that is ready to be engulfed by the black night. My hand dug into my pocket and pulled out my phone, I needed to text my mom I was almost home. Turning on the device, I noticed I had two text messages, one from my mom and the other from my brother. I tapped on the notification and bypassed the lock screen to read the message my bro sent me.

"Hey, I'm going to a hangout at my friend's house.

Won't be back till morning"

"Looks like he made plans of his own," I thought out loud. "Guess that means no Code Geass tonight, but that also means I can rewatch Juuni Taisen." Drawing a smirk on my face, I chuckled before sending a response to my brother.

"Aight, cya tomorrow bro"

I waited for the message to load and confirm it was sent before tapping onto the text my mom sent.

"Just wanted to let you know your brother

is going over to his friend's place."

"Good to know."

"I'm almost home"

I turned off my phone once I had replied to her message, storing the device in my pocket. Mom always made sure to inform us whenever something came up, which I am grateful for. It helped me remember and keep track of things, they say "two heads are better than one" for a reason.

"Two heads..." I chuckled to myself when the Tsumita twins popped into my head once more. "Two heads that's been stuck in my mind all day."

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I sat down in my office chair once I had finished drying my hair, dressed in a simple t-shirt and cargo pants. Opening my laptop I hopped onto docs and clicked the option open a new document. It had been a while since I had written anything, my search for inspiration had been harder than trying to find water in a desert, but with the two dreams I had, I thought I could use it for the idea of a plot. Fidgeting with my bracelet, I tried to construct a starter for the story in my mind, but I found myself unable to find my way around writer's block.

Glancing down at the accessory hugging my wrist as if I asked for ideas, I didn't have any other options since no one was here beside me. I would call or text Meri-chan or Kamida but I knew I'd be heading down soon for dinner. I found no point in inquiring if they could talk if I had to disappear. Funny enough, the bracelet only reminded me of the Tatsumi brothers. I laughed to myself, wondering what the twins would say if they were here, I found the idea amusing. I became tempted to tear the material on my wrist to make my greatest wish a reality, to see if they could become real once I did, but common sense popped my fantasy bubble. This wasn't some Anime where a game master could grant my wish, such fictional desires weren't possible for me to achieve, but I wish it was.

Something in my gut kicked me, flying my head out of that sad mindset I didn't know I fell into. My eyes went back to the blank doc I had open on my laptop. I felt a spark begin to flicker, attempting to get the fire of creativity going. My hands hovered over the keys, words on the tip of my fingers-

"[Name], dinner is ready," mom told me on the other side of my closed door she knocked on.

"Dah!" Frustrated, my arms flew up and mimicked the action of flipping a table before they slammed down on the edge of my desk. "Just when I had something..." I groaned and hung my head back. My mood shifted quickly, realizing some brain food would be good. "Coming mom."

As I arose from my chair, my bracelet seemed off, but when I checked it, everything appeared to be fine. I shrugged off my instinct, believing I was imagining things.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A yawn escaped my mouth after I heard the door to mom's room close, she went to bed since she had to work early. I was just chilling on the couch, my feet reclined up and any plans of writing had gone out the window once I had become one with the couch. I had the house somewhat to myself, considering my mom was now upstairs sleeping I couldn't do much.

I don't do things too exciting anyway, most times I just continued writing, or watch something on the tv which is what I'm doing now. Other times if my friends are available, I'd call them up and we'd discuss the fictional world. Then there was the rare occasion where I'd put on music and dance or vibe. It's relaxing me time.

Currently, Juuni Taisen played on the widescreen tv, already on the 11th episode. I don't know why, but it felt strange to watch it. I've seen these courses of events multiple times, each time understanding it more, why now do I receive this feeling? Perhaps the reason had to do with the dreams I had previously, with them appearing so real I guess coming back to what actually happened felt off to me. At least that was my thought process as I let out another yawn.

The 11th episode now halfway through and my eyes had begun to droop, feeling drowsy like Nezumi. The tv slowly turned into background noise when my tired mind began to pull me into the dream realm, my arms going limp to my sides as my eyes closed. The last audible thing I heard was Nezumi mentioning his 100 paths.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"Too bad my lizard died, I think he would've liked meeting a new face," Takeyasu remarked gazing at the empty reptile tank sitting on his shelf, taking a break from packing his duffle bags.

This all seemed surreal for Takeyasu, for months he was on edge and trying to distance himself from his brother so when they were in the Taisen it wouldn't be as painful to see him die, at least that was his thought process. It probably wouldn't have worked anyway, not when Nagayuki started to take the big brother role more seriously ever since they both found out one of them was going to die in the Juuni Taisen if the other were to win. Then this wish thing came along and now they're packing for their new life, it was a miracle this was happening. Part of Takeyasu imagined this is some cruel dream that he's in and reality is about to wake him up to see those red letters for him and his brother. He sure wished it wasn't his mind playing tricks on him.

"Hey, are you done packing?" Nagayuki questioned checking in, changed into his signature blue outfit.

"Almost, just gotta stash the rest of the money in there," the younger Tatsumi brother answered, going back to his task. "Do you think we can bring Hitokage and Yuki-onna?"

"I don't think that's the best idea, we don't know who our new roommate is going to be and what exactly they'll be okay with," Nagayuki stated, his hand grasping his chin as he began thinking out loud. "Normal people would probably freak out upon seeing two guys with a flamethrower and an icethrower. Still, if we have something to do with the third wish they must know who we are."

"Heh, I was just going to bring Hitokage anyway, regardless of your answer. You never know if we may need them."

Nagayuki rolled his eyes, knowing his brother would do something like that. His little bro had a point, however. They might need their weapons in this new place they're going, it'd probably give more use than the currency they were bringing with them. Both were unaware of where they were heading. Walking over, he looked inside one of Takeyasu's bags, small red rectangle boxes caught his eye and he picked one up.

"Really? You're taking your poker cards?"

"You say that like it's a question."

"Do you really need all of them?"

"Yeah, they're collector." Takeyasu stated his reason like it was obvious. The snake then cracked a smile. "At least I can reuse them unlike the bags of snacks you packed."

"Shut up." A faint blush appeared on Nagayuki's albino cheeks. "The flavours might not be available where we go, it's not like I'm going to eat them all in one go."

The little brother playfully snickered until the brief moment died down. A gentle silence sat between them, the only thing heard was Takeyasu stuffing items into the duffle bag. The elder Tatsumi brother glanced outside the room, considering if he should go check to see he had everything he needed and wasn't forgetting anything, but his bro caught his attention before he could decide.

"Hey..." Takeyasu started with a monotone, the mood in the room becoming heavy. That was a rare thing to happen among them, so he had his elder twin's full attention. "Did you ever think this would happen; Us not having to be apart of the Juuni Taisen?"

"I'm going to be honest with you, Takeyasu."

That was a phrase the younger Tsumita twin hadn't heard in a long time.

"I thought the Juuni Taisen was what our whole lives were leading up to, but I also thought the day would never come," Nagayuki spoke truthfully, his eyes gazed down at the floor. "I... just can't believe that it's not actually going to come, and how it never will..."

It grew quiet, the reality of what was happening finally settling in their minds. The reality neither of them was going to die. The reality neither of them had to kill the other. It was gone, the dark road was gone. They were free.

A laugh broke the silence, Nagayuki glance at his brother who had made the joyful sound.

"We don't have to play those bastards' game!" Takeyasu exclaimed, tackling his bro into a hug.

"Oof-" Nagayuki stumbled, not expecting the sudden embrace, but when he steadied himself he wrapped his arms around his baby brother. The burden of death has been lifted from their shoulders and they never felt more relieved. Tears of joy threatened to fall as the two hugged, knowing they wouldn't lose the other.

Before either could cry, an outsider cleared their throat. The moment now passed, the twins pulled away from the sibling hug to see Duodecuple there holding his hands behind his back.

"Are you both ready?" the man asked.

"Yeah, let me just get my bags," Nagayuki responded, moving past the elder man to get to his room.

Entering, the dragon went straight to retrieve the two duffle bags he packed. However, he ceased in his tracks when he turned to exit, spying the icethrower from the corner of his eye. He had originally planned to leave it, thinking it wasn't needed in his new life and unsure how their new roommate would feel about it, but since his little bro was taking his flamethrower what could it hurt to bring his weapon along?

"Besides, I don't I could get something like you out there, Yuki-onna," Nagayuki said, a smirk plastered on his face as he picked up the icethrower and put it on his back. He then grabbed his bags and left his now old room. Joining his brother's side in the main room, both face the mysterious man, holding their belongings.

"I hope you both are aware you are not heading to any warzones," Duodecuple told them, seeing how both Tatsumi brothers were carrying their weapons with them.

"Yeah, we know," Nagayuki stated blankly.

"But there's no way we're leaving these," Takeyasu added with a smug expression.

"I see." Duodecuple nodded, grabbing the rim of his top hat.

"So where are heading?" the elder Tatsumi brother asked.

"And how are we getting-"

Before the younger Tsumita twin could finish his question, Duodecuple had taken off his hat to bow, while doing so the brothers faded out of their reality.

=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=

"No!" I cried, reaching out to the two, only to face the actual screen in front of me. "Oh... it was just another dream," I muttered to myself, grasping my forehead with my right hand.

I'm surprised I actually was granted a third dream of the Tatsumi brothers. I expected my brain not to be so generous, not that I'm complaining, I'm grateful for it. I wished I knew what happened to them though, maybe I'll find out in the next dream. I could get used to having them on my mind as I sleep.

Returning to the reality before me, I saw the episode had finished a while ago. My hand went to pick up the phone that laid on the couch beside me to check the time, but when I did I noticed my bracelet had broken beyond repair. I quickly sat up, picking up the remains of the lime bracelet and the few beads that were once on it.

"Shit, how'd it break?" I questioned, examing the pieces. "It was fine an hour ago, wasn't it?" Shaking my head, I knew it had to throw it in the trash, it was useless now.

I reclined my spot on the couch back down and stuffed my phone in my pocket. Holding the bits of my broken bracelet, I strolled over to the trashcan in the kitchen and dropped them in there. I felt disappointed, I actually enjoyed wearing that bracelet. Not only was it a gift from one of my best friends but it was something that reminded me of the Tatsumi brothers.

"Oh well, objects can't last forever," I mumbled to myself, recalling the day our Wii console stopped reading discs, on New Year's Day too no less.

Catching a glimpse of the time set on the oven, I figured I should head upstairs to my room. If I stayed downstairs for too long and went up late in the night, I'd give mom broken sleep. Probably best I'd head there now anyway if I wanted to get any writing done.

Going up the steps silently so I wouldn't disturb mom, headed to the next floor. My mind was in a whirlwind of different thoughts, but they were put to a pause when I heard voices. At first, I concluded it was just mom talking in her sleep again, however, I crossed it off since they sounded male. My next assumption was my brother but that wouldn't make sense since he wasn't home. Before the scary sensation of the situation settled into my mindset, I had reached the floor and the semi-audio voices sounded familiar to me. With that in mind, I crept down the hallway towards the sound and I realized it was coming from my room.

'Why would it be my room of all places?' I questioned in my head. 'I don't have anything worth stealing!' I turned around to go and find something to use to defend myself but I never took another step because that's when their sentences became audible.

"Too bad we didn't have more time to pack, I would've liked to bring my desktop set up with me."

'No way...' I thought to myself, slowly twisting my head towards my door with wide eyes.

"Don't sweat it, bro. You got the USB, that's all that matters."

'No fucking way!'

I didn't even realize I moved down the hall until my hand felt the cool metal of the doorknob that opened the door to my room. My brain hardly processing my actions, I twisted the handle and pushed open the door. The sight before me I could barely believe.

There standing in my room, in their full warrior gear, were the Tatsumi brothers.

In the moment of me just staring at their backs, I forgot how to fucking breathe. Then Takeyasu was the first to turn to me.

"Hey bro, I think our roommate is here," he told his brother, his signature smirk on his face.

"Huh?" Nagayuki turning attention to me, his icy gaze settling on my skin. "I think you're right."

The expression of the younger twin changed to a semi-worried one. "Hey, are you okay?-"

I wasn't able to hear the rest of his words because all the weight that once was in my head disappeared. I saw my surroundings grow taller and tilt horizontally, but then I felt something solid collide with my back and my vision dissolved to black. I realized that I fainted from disbelief.

I mean, this couldn't have been real right? I was sleeping only moments ago and I woke up to this? No, no, this couldn't be real. I'm probably just dreaming, right? Yeah, that's what I'm doing, dreaming. I'm just dreaming. I'll wake up on the couch and see that it was only a dream.

[luck-ofakennedy]

so last night I brought a guy back to my hotel room from this conference I'm working. he started flirting with me (and also saying weird shit) in front of my coworkers while I was very bored at the booth. my coworkers were split between either thinking he's crazy enough to be a good fuck or crazy enough to be a nightmare. either way, he was cute enough (bright blue eyes with thick lashes) and you gotta take risks sometimes in the hopes of breaking such a long dry spell so I took the gamble.

I got drunk off free drinks at the party my company hosted and really didn't need the Old Fashioned I got with the dinner we (the guy, this rando who third wheeled our dinner and then didn't even get food, and me) got after the party so I don't remember everything said super clearly but he wouldn't really let me touch his cock or touch me anywhere fun back. he didn't give me a reason why until he was dressed to leave and sitting on the queen bed across from where I was naked in bed. he has chronic pain issues, might have mentioned the army but that part isn't clear, so I guess he can't go beyond naked making out and cuddling?

I did not understand that going in when he got into my room and said we should take a shower together. like, I needed a shower anyway and I really do love any excuse to get naked and wet with a guy so that part was nice. he washed and conditioned my hair for fucks sake. he would say sweet things and weird things and it would have been considered a success if he did make me come or honestly even if he didn't but he at least put in the effort to do it.

the lack of clear communication from the get-go is the part that annoys me the most. I've had guys who have basic boundaries about sex tell me upfront that they are only doing up to oral or handies or whatever and I've done the same.

also, like, there's no way you can just get me off? he legit found my vibrator under my pillows and told me I should use it later. I woke up at four am angry and horny and I've never worked harder to get an orgasm over with as quickly as possible.

it's gotta be hard to have an invisible disability but it isn't fair to pursue someone and then not be a mature, sexually-active adult about it and disclose the situation so we can be on the same page.

spending the day hungover and annoyed always sucks. I'll be out of this insane resort conference center tomorrow and have a really fun weekend with one of my best friends from growing up. I had a great first date last week with a guy who's still sending me cute texts. hopefully, I can see him when I get back. sleeping with him seems much more likely to be a fun, sexy time. good times are ahead, as always.

this new job takes up so much mental energy, I don't have the ability to write as much as I would want. I also made some major plot changes that require a lot of work to move around. I'm being good though, I'm not starting to write any new fics. I do really want to get it done by the end of the year, just for myself.

[totiredtowrite]

heyyyy happy milestone!!! can i req a match up with the hq bois?

3 facts abt me:

• i'm a nightowl but i think i'm an insomniac or smth now haha- i mean i stay up late around 6am-9am and wake up at 11am-12nn lol.

• i hate both socializing physically and going out- frs like this pandemic, i've only gone out like 3 times and all those times didn't even last an hour. i just stay in my room doing god knows what.

• academic wise... i half daydream during lectures, forget my hws, pass my projects (almost a month) late, but can surprisingly ace(literally perfect) few quizzes and exams(except math) and can tutor someone on a passable degree.

dynamic:

childhood enemies to rivals to lovers if that's a thing, or just simply childhood enemies to lovers.

partner:

• someone that's strict and soft, can be energetic sometimes and will not show me off/make me the center of attention without my permission.

• someone that can handle affection well, since i'm legit touch starved but i express it more while giving it...? like i'll wrap my arms around someone's waist and talk to them, pull someone on my lap while i play games or read a book, give them head pats and forehead kisses, etc.

this was so long ffs also sorry if this soooo specific for you but anywayssss congratulations on the milestone again🎉🎉🎉 also can i be a charanon maybe uhmm kenma/suna? either is fine

Your Match Is

Daichi Sawamura

Why?

Well, all I read was 'strict and soft' and thought Daichi

He has energy, but mostly he's calm

Gentleman

If you don't want to be shown off or be the center of attention, Daichi can fully respect that.

He will always get your permission to do something.

Affection isn't a problem for him either.

If you need to physically express your affection, chances are he won't mind at all.

If anything, Daichi is the type to give you a kiss every time he sees you.

His grades really are rather good, so he'll try his hardest to remind you to turn in homework and such.

The man will literally force you to sleep.

Give this man affection, he needs it.

🂠🃑🃁🂱🂡

Relationship

Neither of you could really remember why you hated each other.

It was some weird childhood feud that probably started because of something stupid, though neither of you really remember why you hated each other. The fact that you two were neighbours didn't help.

Just something about you made Daichi loose his cool. This feeling–that he was sure is hatred, always clouded his mind.

Of course, that hatred had to run thin sometime.

🂠🃑🃁🂱🂡

Realization

Denial seems to be a theme here.

Daichi is typically a stern but caring figure, maturity going through the roof.

So naturally he handled finding out he has an intense attraction to someone he hates like a mature adult, right?

Wrong.

He panicked, like hard.

For a solid two days, nobody heard from him unless it was at practice.

Even then, he looked like he was ready to murder someone.

(Or more accurately, like the first year duo fucked up)

Even the people in his classes noticed something.

Mild-mannered Daichi getting angry?

Eventually (like after 3 days) he comes to terms with it and starts devising how to just not

Y'know?

Guess how well that worked.

🂠🃑🃁🂱🂡

Confession

Not even really a confession.

It's been a few weeks 2 months, and he's decided that this has gone on long enough. After all, in that time you've noticed something was up. The normal banter was a little different now, and the tension was thicker.

You were babysitting Daichi's little sisters and brothers, (because somehow your parents were friends and this hatred bred anyways), while Daichi was glaring holes in the back of your head.

"You gonna keep glaring Saint Sawamura," you narrowed your eyes at him as you turned your head back. He scoffed.

"It's not my fault you keep doing... that," he waved his hands in your general direction.

You furrowed your brows harder, turning fully. "Mind enlightening me on what 'that' is?"

He moved closer to the back of the couch. "You know what you damn insomniac," he gripped the back of the couch, face dangerously close to yours. "Being all endearing and cute and shit," it wasn't often he swore, but you were always an exception. You were looking progressively more confused. "And your weirdly cute way of avoiding people." At this point he was just ranting about all of the things he found cute.

"... You are hearing yourself, right?" You shuffle back a bit.

Really with his sudden and unnatural confession, he expected the worst. On the bright side, he went to bed that night with one less enemy at the very least.

🂠🃑🃁🂱🂡

Honorable Mention

Semi Eita

🂠🃑🃁🂱🂡

Note: I'm not really doing charanons, but I hope you enjoy your request <3

[marshmallowprotection]

So, little spoon saeran... we keep talking about him having nightmares, but what about MC? Im going to talk about this using my own experience though

I mightve mentioned it when it happened, but not too long ago, like just a few weeks i believe, I had a nightmare. I don't normally get nightmares; sometimes i'll get what i simply call a weird dream, which may spook me a little, but its never actually scary when i look back on it, and i can calm down rather quickly. I dream almost every night, dont remember most of them, but they're usually good or just meh. However, once in a while, I'll have a legit nightmare. I still remember the last one, too, which happened months ago. Its not scary anymore, and it was more of a disgust combined with fear because of the contents, but it got to me for... about a week. In fact, i can also remember one in particular from... almost 7 or 8 years ago. I lost all my pets in that dream, and had to literally get up and check to make sure they were all still around and alive, even tho i knew i was back in reality.

This most recent one started off as a (rather lengthy) good dream, mightve even starred some of the mysme characters in the first half, and took a very sharp turn to a nightmare, and then I immediately woke up. Ive read in stories and seen in movies and whatnot, characters gasping for breath after a nightmare, but this was the first time i actually properly experienced it. I was terrified. I think it was that sound. That damned sound your phone makes whenever you get a flash flood warning or amber alert. Its so unsettling. And the promise of death, in my dream, that was the message accompanying that sound, and the fact that the people in my dream actually had faces-- normally, when i look back on a dream, if i can recall what a character in it looked like, usually they dont match the character my brain labelled them as, mostly hair-wise, and they dont have a face. But this time, it was all the more vivid, because everyone had faces -- the right faces, the correct appearance.

It was so bad i had to go into my mom's room, because company tends to calm me down. But it wasn't enough. I had to sleep in her room; I was so shaken. The next two days: paranoid. Im not that conspiracy theorist "the government is out to get us" type person, but i was straight up paranoid. And then a few more days passed, i was rewatching my favourite youtuber, he was playing a SirenHead game as one of the 3 free random games, and i had to fast forward through that game after a few minutes because that sound

I had no intentions of writing that much context holy cow, sorry ^^"

What I meant to cover, was the fact that I needed that human touch, and so i just kinda half-held my mom's shoulder when laying next to her cos lets be honest even then i didnt want to admit i needed more. But with Saeran, where I'm already at that point of not feeling awkward about being so close (i mean, we're frickin spooning, its kinda a given lmao), I'd probably hold him a lot tighter -- like a lot. Because i tend to grip harder than i mean to, just in general, but especially in moments like that. Just straightup clinging to him, pressing myself as close as possible, face buried between his shoulder blades... clutching and releasing and clutching again the front of his shirt or sweater or whatever he wears to bed, trying desperately anything to alleviate the deep fear...

I'm the opposite of him, it seems. He needs space, while i need to feel as small and confined as possible, and i need the presence of another, and when it gets as bad as i have described, i need the physical reassurance of their presence, as well as that warmth and comfort, holding another being...

Hhhholy moly this is getting long. I'll stop now. I think i had a question regarding this, but I have no idea anymore lol.

[417]

You’re soft-starved and that’s okay. It’s okay to want the comfort of another person but it comes down to knowing when it’s okay to ask for it and when it’s okay to say that you need a certain kind of closeness. You can’t just assume that everyone needs hugs but some people may need hands or just the company of another person. It comes down to you and what you’re going through at the moment as well as your comfort zone. 

With Saeran, if it’s GE Saeran, anyway, yes, he wants to be able to be close to you. He wants that. He just needs you to ask for it and he needs to have the time to prepare for that mentally before it happens. It’s a small thing but it’s all you need to do to ensure that he knows he has your trust. He would do the same thing with you. It’s just up to how okay you feel! 

Consent. Communication! 

[joyisntyoj]

04: LETTERS TO NOBODY OR MAYBE MAYARI

Seal stamps, stamps with whatever designs, papers and pens, stickers, pictures, dried flowers, heartwarming messages, and a lot more.

When was the last time you wrote something on a literal piece of paper for someone?

Have you ever personally given someone a handwritten letter or sent it from the post office?

Is writing a letter still a thing today, or you just use whatever app you have because what is the point if other ways are more convenient, right?

Maybe, you are more the vocal type of person and, you just say what you feel instead of writing it down?

Perhaps, you are none of the above because what is important is your presence in their lives and, that is more than enough?

Still, how lovely it is to keep something that has sentimental value. It unnecessarily means that you are hoarding something because what's to not treasure from precious memories in a small piece of paper in an envelope?

This story is for those who never get tired of expressing themselves in whatever form they know, but most especially to those who write.

May you never run out of papers, inks, and thoughts to compose. to more unforgotten memories preserved in letters.

^^^

To: Mayari.

How are you? I wish things were getting better, just like what I always pray. These days, sleeping at night suddenly became serene as well as waking up in the morning. Sometimes my days are dull and typical...I believe? But most of the time, it's either I'm feeling blue or extra sad, or was that the same? I kept on blaming the pandemic, but for real, I'm just a mess. Silent battles are truly tough. I wish I had the courage and strength just like yours. Be safe. Stay sane. I'm really trying my best to be legit all right.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Liway is the name, exhausted with life. Mayari, someone out there, maybe a supreme being or plausibly not always receives Liway's letters. Sometimes Liway writes 10 messages at once and sometimes none at all. Mayari is the only recipient of such letters that even Liway never knew they were received by the random recipient it thought was just nobody. It all genuinely started on having a recipient written on the "To:" part at the post office. Though seriously, it doesn't even have any home address. It's super weird that it's for Mayari and no address, and were received.

HOW?

^^^

To: Mayari.

The night has come. This time, it feels heavier than usual. Tears are suddenly falling. I noticed that an unwelcome visitor came. The familiar pain is hugging me again, so tight that breathing is getting harder. I hate everything. Yet, I came to realize a lot of things. Afterward, I'm feeling blessed and grateful. Am I getting crazy? Before I went to bed, at the dinner table, I felt uncomfortable with the conversation we had, my family, about myself back then. I really hate it when they keep on bringing up what happened in the past. I already moved on... I think... so can they stop mentioning those moments? Honestly, whenever anything from the past is introduced again and remembered, I tend to feel like it just happened yesterday. Everything is coming back so fresh and new; fun, pain, sweats, and tears. I hate it.

PS. Mayari, can you send me some courage? Preferably in capsules, So I can have it in my intakes and be sure I'll be really having it in my system literally.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Continues writing so many letters filled with how living is like. Liway felt tired and exhausted. A few days ago, it was super overwhelmed that crying is unavoidable. Then this morning, Ms. Walmy called for a little chat and checking up because it's never too bad to check up on somebody, most especially when you're a counselor. It's your job, so uh? Anyway, though Liway was out of focus on the call, it was able to be accomodating and warm in return. It reciprocated the thoughtfulness with a sweet smile.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey! Today I was mad because firsthand, I experienced that thing I usually hear from other people. The "don't-post-something-revealing-on-social-media-but-love-yourself-but-that's-not-appropriate". Well, I don't even know why I'm reacting super outrage towards it. Because knowing that my family is just concerned for me since the internet is frankly scary. I mean, I did nothing wrong, so why? Maybe deciding to be confident on the internet is not necessary for them. But for me, it is! So how should I deal with this? A friend consoled me, and I feel better. Still tho, my mood is already ruined. Oh gosh.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

 Liway.

Welcoming a new week, the usual Liway is busy with the household chores. Some may find it stressful, but this one is pretty different. Scrubbing the floor, washing the dishes, brooming on the side. Later on, folding the clothes, fixing the bed, and a lot more things. It looks like it'll be tiring its body out until the nose bleeds, and passing out is the last resort to rest. How come it's easier to clean an actual mess than the one inside the head and heart?

^^^

To: Mayari.

Beloa visited me today. My childhood and the only friend left I have up to this day from elementary school. If you get what I mean? It's been a long time since we had a chat, especially that things are super complicated these days. She's doing really well, and I couldn't be more proud. I'm still amazed at how we manage to be friends because we both don't like each other to begin with. It's so funny that we even pulled each other's hair in the 4th grade while the class is taking the annual picture for the school year remembrance. What are the odds in this even, right? HAHAHA. Today was warm and bright.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Dates suddenly don't vary in these letters. Even the concept of time is somehow gone. What's important is regardless of not having these "important details" like the usual, Liway can keep up and be consistent in sending its letters. Liway never missed a chance to send a letter to the address less recipient, which left the post office staff to ponder with it. But as time goes by, Alle, the clerk, is no more surprised 'coz she's used to everything now. The envelopes unfailingly vanished the moment it was dropped inside the mailing box. Indeed, a magical mailbox.

^^^

To: Mayari.

I never knew how amazing pretending could be. You know that thing where someone usually says I'm okay, but really not? The inner saboteur that was triggered by their trauma is real-real-real. A car is useless when it's not moving if you wanted to travel to faraway places. Does that make sense?

PS. It sucks that our bathroom is the only "semi-safe space".

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

Polar bears are really fascinating. They get to hibernate. Then, after the time being, back on hunting and living their lives. Ligaya was one of Liway's hero. A lot knew Ligaya for being a superhero, although she does not have that fantasy powers. Just like the polar bears, too, Ligaya has been hibernating for quite some time but kept on saying that she was not. Liway saw it all. Maybe a bear's hibernation is different from a human-being, hmm?

^^^

To: Mayari.

IDK what to say, but I just wanted to be consistent at the very least in sending you letters.

PS. The radio was broken, but in my head, it's working. It kept on playing nonstop music. Is this a poetic way of saying I'm overthinking things?

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari.

A lot happened lately. Somebody lost a precious one, and here I am, having a renaissance moment. It's a crazy ride, but for all it's worth, the pea has grown into a beautiful plant. Hope it made sense coz finally, everything is making sense to me now. Little by little, slowly and surely.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways,

Liway.

^^^

To: Mayari

Hey!! I hope you are doing great!!! These days, everything felt surreal. I get to be active everywhere. It's draining, yet I feel so alive than ever. I had this thought that time is indeed just a concept, hmm? I mean, anytime is the right time to do what you want and whatever it is. Nothing is too late, most especially when it comes to growth. OH, being late in class still counts but FOR REAL RIP TO THE ONLINE CLASS SETUP -_-

PS. May we never run out of time to be the best versions of ourselves. LOVE WHOEVER YOU WANT. fck the situation, but SOON, GO ANYWHERE YOU WANT. SPEND FOR YOURSELF AND FOR YOUR LOVED ONES. FEEL EVERYTHING.

PSS. May we leave this world with fewer regrets and more amazing memories.

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

Quite a lot of letters were already sent. The post office is getting more and more letters, as well as Mayari. Still, NO REPLY. Maybe some other, Liway will be able to hear Mayari's words.

^^^

To: Mayari.

*here's an envelope just in case you want to write me something*

With so much love annd kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

'Tis the season to be jolly. LOL Nah. Liway has been out for the past weeks. By out, means on a hibernation mode. A L O T R E A L L Y happened. It's hard to put it into words. I guess Liway will end these letter-sending shenanigans or just lazy and trying to give out some excuses //

^^^

To: Mayari. 

Ever since I was taught how to move around the kitchen, I've been assigned to be Mom's assistant while cooking for the feast every event/occasion we'll be celebrating. It's tiring but super fun. Getting your fingers bleed and while unaware is cool LOL~ 

PS. Why does it feel so good to overthink things while doing the dishes? What's with that scenario.........

With so much love and kindness always and all ways, 

Liway.

Tireless hands, heart, and mind with countless thoughts and feelings, papers, and pens everywhere—WRITING; it surely is one of the best ways to vent. Though letters can’t hug and wipe one's tears, witness waves of laughter, ease the pain, and such, the comfort from every word written is more than enough.

Suddenly time barge in and reminded me that this is enough. THIS IS ENOUGH FOR 2020...

A new chapter has arrived, and maybe it's time to move forward. Maybe this is where it all gonna stop for a while. I mean, writing is somehow tiring, literally. Probably, Mayari might reply with the number of letters sent anytime soon, so maybe waiting is all that needed.

No rush in moving on.

MAY YOU GET THE REPLY YOU LONG FOR SO LONG.

PRIORITIZE YOURSELF AND HAVE COURAGE.

BE KIND ALWAYS AND ALL WAYS.

💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜💜

Little did nobody know, Liway is writing a letter to her "ideal" self.

The letter-sending-to-nobody thingy of Liway is really mind-boggling, right?

Mayari is Liway. Liway is Mayari.

The things that Liway wanted to say but cannot articulate well were always sent to Mayari. Mayari is the version of Liway it wishes to become in the future. 

The weak Liway longs and hopes to have "that" someone by her side to look up to. That's why she always writes letters and keeps them in the memory box.

The post office thingy was actually her shared room at home: the table at the corner with no lights but so much mess. It's that post office.

It's pandemic, so how can a post office be open and how brave she is to go out, right?

That saying, "be the hero you wanted to have when you were little", is the best explanation of Liway's way of venting and expressing.

Nobody knows when Mayari will come to life because it's no certainty that we can be the ideal self we all wanted to happen. 

For now, Liway is fighting her battles and screaming louder to the universe,

UNTIL WHEN DO I HAVE TO FEEL THIS WAY?

To be continued...

Happy New Year, Mayari. ✨💜

This is like an excerpt from my quarantine shenanigans for 2020 LOL.