#larfetfanfic

[dronningreid]

6 AM

After a good night of free drinks at a bar, reader wakes up in a bed that looks nothing like her own. Maybe that mistake isn't so bad after all.

who? Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

category: flangst (my specialty) and suggestive intimacy +18

warnings: mentions of sex, naked, mentions of alcohol and hangover. English is not my first language.

word count: 2.5K

a/n: I stole the title from a song that I almost don't like but it's very this. I also sacrificed myself for the team by getting drunk on Christmas to write this better (it wasn't a good experience, but what am I saying? I'm very committed to my work. Oh and happy almost new year!

Every story has a beginning and how much you wish you could remember the beginning of this.

A ray of sunshine.

That's what woke you up, a ray of sunshine. But not the kind that sneak in through the window and burn your eyes even when they are closed. What woke you up was the warmth of the arm that wrapped around your torso from behind, that kind of sunshine.

You look at the clock and it's damn 6 AM. You didn't expect to start the year so early but there you were.

You relaxed when you feel a warm breath touching your skin. For a moment you felt so fine, until that horrible headache made it difficult to make sense of where you were, but you could remember the ghostly sensations, the pressure against the mattress, his hands running over every corner of your skin and the way the sheets molded with every movement.

You craned your head slightly to get some clues about your surroundings and then the clothes on the floor became visible in your field of vision.

Damn it.

It didn't take a genius to figure out what had happened the night before.

You tried to get out of the grip of the mysterious man you spent the night with, but...

He pulled you towards him again, this time with more force. "Please don't go." He pleaded, but he was still somewhat asleep.

Damn it, damn it, damn it.

You recognized that beautiful voice immediately. It being a random guy was a bad thing but Spencer? that was worse.

A wave of panic and guilt ran through you. Now what the hell were you going to do?

You looked at him sideways, first at his lips, and just looking at them made you remember how they felt on your skin.

That's when a fragment of last night hit you...

"Spence." You whispered in the darkness, you couldn't see him but of course you could feel him.

His big hands on your thighs, his tongue caressing you like a feather and the way his nose brushed your sensitivity complemented how good you felt at that moment.

Were you dizzy from the pleasure or from the alcohol? Maybe both.

Now you understood, you let him cross boundaries that a friend should never cross. But you were too drunk to tell him to stop? No, that was an excuse, because in reality both been drunk, a lot.

You blinked a few times before coming back to the present, your memories were so fragmented at the moment that it was best not to put pressure on your mind.

You let him continue for the pleasure and because he was Spencer. There was no one else on this earth you could trust enough to do something so intimate, so personal.

Spencer looked so calm while was asleep, you didn't even know why but you started counting his eyelashes.

That would have been a perfect morning. But one question kept nagging at your brain. How did you get into his bed?

Very simple, it all happened while everyone was on the jet, returning from a case.

"I just hope there isn't another case. It's New Year's Eve, we should be celebrating and not catching serial killers." Emily said. "I'll ask for a raise." Then she brought the glass of whiskey to her mouth.

"Prentiss, you haven't even been with us that long." Morgan let out a light laugh.

"It's been a tough year." You supported Emily. And it was true, Elle and Gideon left a void that no new face could fill. But luckily Emily was Emily, Rossi was Rossi. Neither of them intended to fill the void they left.

"Yes indeed," Rossi added to the conversation. "Drinks at O'Keefe on me, who's coming?" And there was the monetary contribution, maybe your favorite thing about him?

You, Emily and Morgan were quick to raise your hands.

Hotch laughed lightly. "I'll pass, I want to visit Jack."

You stood up from your seat on the jet to approach Reid. "And you? Come?" You gave him a slight nudge with your shoulder. "Or you have a secret son that I don't know about."

Reid shook his head in amusement before setting his book down on his lap. "I don't know, I'm tired."

"Come on." You gave him puppy dog eyes. "And I'll take you back to your apartment."

"Don't know..." He bit his lower lip.

"Oh come on, who's gonna tell me random facts all night? Morgan?" You insistent.

"I heard you!" Morgan shouted from the other side of the jet.

Reid chuckled. "Of course not, that's my place in your life. Besides, he already has Penelope."

You looked at him with hopeful eyes. "So you're coming?"

He shrugged. "I haven't another choice."

One, two, three. Happy New Year!

By that time you and him were already so drunk. Everything was spinning around and both had laughed at every stupid thing Morgan said, that wasn't a very good sign.

You helped Reid into the taxi, almost falling with him in the process. When you left him in the back seat he looked at you, with a pout.

"You said you were going to take me home!" He spoke very loudly, without meaning to.

"If you want to die then let's go in my car." Your words dragged on.

He shook his head and patted his seat. "I'm not going to let you drive. Come on, get in."

You sighed but finally agreed and got into the taxi with him.

He fell asleep with his head resting on your shoulder, it felt so comforting that you didn't even notice when you fell asleep.

After a few minutes the taxi driver spoke. "We're here."

You opened your eyes suddenly.

"Hey... Are you awake?" Spencer whispered, leaving a soft, brief kiss on your shoulder.

You didn't answer anything, hoping that... Who knows what the hell you were hoping for. A miracle maybe.

Spencer said your name, his tone oddly serious. "Can we skip the part where we pretend we don't sleep together and we can just talk about this?"

He kissed your neck and your hand ran over his exposed torso. "Can we skip the part where we do this and we can go straight to the action?" Alcohol makes the braves.

Reid smiled against your skin. "Anything you want."

He moved away a little just to separate your thighs and settle between them.

Reid placed his hands on either side of your head, you watched him intently waiting for what would come out of his lips.

"I'll stop whenever you want, okay?" Even a little drunk he was a gentleman.

You nodded hurriedly, excited for what would come next.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

His breathing is a mess, your breathing is a mess.

During the act he searched for your hand, interlacing his fingers with yours. His hips and yours moved together, like puzzle pieces, only in a constant rhythm, which made the bed creak.

The noise of the mattress, of his mattress, merged with the noises that came from between your lips which came in different forms but had the same effect on him...

You couldn't say for sure that you remembered everything, but from those little fragments you knew that you had never felt so good in your life.

You move under the sheets until you are facing him. But that was a worse idea than you anticipated.

Confronting him after all the images you have of him in your memory feels like someone has just punched the air out of your lungs.

"To begin with, do you remember anything?" He breaks the thick silence, again.

"Fragments." Your voice comes out as a shameful whisper.

He tucks a strand of hair behind your ear. "Me too..." He whispers too. "But I do remember that you tried to leave me in the morning."

"Oh..."

Really? Was that the only thing that could come out of your mouth?

Reid sighed and closed his eyes for a brief moment that seemed like an eternity. "Listen, I know this might be awkward but please don't go..." A pang ran through your chest as you saw his pleading eyes. "We don't even have to talk about it."

"Okay..." He sigh of relief at your answer.

But as a cruel joke of life someone knocked on the door, ruining the conversation for Spencer and bringing a postponement for you.

Reid sighed before reluctantly unwrapping his arms from you. "I'm sorry. I... I have to go." He said before getting out of bed.

Last night probably, no, definitely last night you saw him to the soul, but still this time you stared at the ceiling until he got dressed in pajama pants and a gray t-shirt.

He left the room leaving you alone on his bed, naked. Wow, that was something unexpected.

You stood there for a few moments, before wondering what the hell you were doing?

You rubbed your face with your hands as many questions collided in your mind, all eager to capture your attention while you didn't even want to think about it.

What does it mean to sleep with Spencer Reid? He was one of your longest friendships and just by letting him spend one night everything is ruined.

He was acting so casual, like waking up with you was something so normal...

But you didn't even know how to name this. Because, after all, what was this?

You got out of bed and immediately searched the floor for your clothes. You found almost all of them at least.

Once dressed and half combed, you decided to leave the room and try to get out of Spencer's apartment.

But it was such a stupid idea considering it wasn't just you and him in the apartment. Even though you thought you were going to get out of this alive when you saw Reid's back turned to the door.

"Who do we have here?" Morgan's voice was enough for Reid to see you and you to see him.

You had been caught red-handed.

Reid frowned. "You were leaving?"

You stammered a bit before deciding to stop embarrassing yourself and close your mouth.

Morgan's gaze traveled from Reid to you and back to you before figuring out what was happening or at least what had happened.

"Wait guys... Both had sex?" Morgan whispered, trying to be discreet, something that was definitely unusual for him, but not the strangest thing today.

You let out a nervous laugh. "We? Of course not!" You rush to say.

Reid's frown deepened. "We don't?" He said with a hint of mockery and another of bitterness.

No one knew what to say for a while, but the only one in trouble was you.

Morgan stood up from the couch. "Yeah... I think I'd better get going."

Spencer didn't say anything, not even when the door closed behind Morgan. He just looked at you with severity, a severity that disguised his vulnerability. How vulnerable he was before you, as if his heart was exposed on a silver platter.

You weren't willing to talk and he felt like he had already said too much, so the silence between you only grew thicker.

Reid snorted. "For the love of god, just say something!" He swallowed. "Say something, whatever. That I'm bad in bed, that what happened was a one night stand, or that you just tried to run away because you're afraid that if you stay you'll have feelings for me." He try with all his might to keep the tears in place.

You shook your head at his first sentences, but perhaps the last was right. "I... Am I hurting you with this?" Maybe it wasn't the best question, but at least you were honest this time.

He looked away, debating what he should or should not say. "Yes... Yes, you're hurting me." Spencer didn't understand how the words managed to slip through the thick lump in his throat.

Guilt and you were never good friends. "Yes, maybe I'm starting to feel something for you beyond a friendship, maybe I already felt it before. I don't know... I'm scared."

Spencer hesitated but finally took a step in front of you. "I'm scared too." He whispered.

You hesitated for a minute but finally put your arms around him. At that moment you just needed the warmth that his arms could give you.

Reid hated how easily he hugged you back, you were close to abandon him...

"I'm sorry." You murmured as you held onto him.

He places a kiss on the top of your head before rubbing your back. "Just don't exclude me from this, let us both figure out together what's going on here, okay?"

"I promise." You tilted your head back to look at him.

"Changing the subject." Spencer looked at you intently, were his eyes always so beautiful? "Did you see my bra? I couldn't find it while I was getting dressed."

"Oh." Spencer nodded and his cheeks quickly turning a pinkish color. "I kicked it under the couch when Morgan knocked on the door.'

Neither he or you remembered how your bra had gotten there. But it happened while the messy make-out session was going on.

Reid broke the kiss and slipped his hand inside your shirt, stopping until he reached the clasp of your bra. "Can I take it off?" He looked at you with pleading eyes.

"Of course." You tilted your head towards him, not willing to leave his lips for long.

He gave you a couple of short kisses while unbuttoning your bra. "I love you." He murmured against your lips.

"I love you too." Your statement came out as a gasp when he pressed his lips against yours more intensely.

Both were drunk when they said such important words, yes, but isn't it said that drunks always tell the truth?

[dronningreid]

Between letters.

When reader has been acting weird lately, Reid thinks she's going to break up with him but she's actually terrified because she has to give him some life-changing news.

who? Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

category: angst/fluff

warnings: Reid is hopeless, reader is a little mean because she doesn't know how to deal with the stress of her secret. Both must work on their communication. English is not my first language (if i forget something let me know, this is my first time doing this)

word count: 2.6K

a/n: Hello! Thank you to everyone who took the time to read what i wrote with so much love. I have written books, stories, poems but never a fanfic and i must admit that i enjoyed this a lot. Well, without further ado i hope you enjoy this and let me know if you liked it.

It is said that we should wait for good things. But it is so difficult to wait for them when we find ourselves in such a deep abyss, where we believe that the only thing we need is that warm ray of joy to get us out of the pond, to save us from dying in agony.

Spencer needed that warm ray of joy after Maeve's death. He desperately needed to feel alive again, but he had to wait what seemed like an eternity for you to come into his life.

Yet every devastating event like that leaves wounds that bleed into scars, some take perhaps too long and as the blood pours out, it destroys hope.

That's what happened to Reid. Because the day Maeve died, his hopes of having a wife and children, of having a family, died with her…

You came along a couple of years later. You admit that winning Spencer over was something that took time, it was slow but it was worth every second.

You were also thankful that he wasn't like the other jerks you dated before, who thought you would die for them just because you were the one who made the first move.

And that was the difference between you and Spencer. You never let that get you down, you kept trying until you found the one. Who knew it would be someone with three PhDs? Your trusted tarot reader, duh. But you didn't believe it, the guy seemed too perfect to be real.

But there he was, spinning around in his swivel chair when you first walked into the BAU bullpen.

"Who is he?" you asked with a curiosity you hadn't experienced in years.

"Oh, that's Spencer. One of our resident geniuses." The sweet Penelope Garcia cleared up your doubts.

Spencer.

The name tasted so sweet on your lips, it sounded so right. That was the day you decided he would be for you.

Of course you needed some extra help. You were trying to win over someone who hadn't dated in a long time and was also a bit reserved. Luckily for you, Morgan's advice scared him off so you followed JJ's, although it also helped that he was definitely mhm curious? about you.

Well no, he actually thought you were a little crazy for staring at him so intently from a distance. And he thought you were weird, but he was too so it just made both fit together like puzzle pieces.

The relationship seemed to be going great, both loved each other and he couldn't imagine his life without you. But if Spencer Reid had learned something in his life, it was that happiness lasts much less time than pain.

You were acting a little weird around him lately, you were irritable and he definitely knew you were hiding something.

"I think she's going to break up with me." One day he decided to confess his feelings to Morgan, when they were alone in the conference room.

Morgan frowned and dropped the current case file onto the table. “You’re kidding, right?” But with no response, Morgan knew otherwise. "Reid. She loves you so much it makes me a little sick.”

Reid remained with his worried expression. "She's slow to respond to my texts, she avoids me, and there's definitely something she's not telling me.” He counted your recent actions on his fingers before crossing his arms.

Morgan raised an eyebrow. "Don't tell me you're profiling her."

Reid frowned. "What? Of course not." Yeah, that means of course yes.

Morgan shrugged. "Just talk to her or ask the girls, they should know something." This time he gave some good advice, not like the ones he used to give you.

Reid did as Morgan told him, but absolutely no one knew what was going on with you. Although everyone agreed that you were definitely hiding something.

You took a sip of coffee. "I watched that movie last night. People said it was really funny but I found it boring, although I admit the plot twist made me cry.” Yes, lately many things made you cry and it wasn't because of your moon in Pisces.

Anderson nodded. "Exactly! I couldn't even finish watching. I fell asleep."

“Anderson, would you excuse us for a minute?" Reid's appearance was a surprise, his insistence on talking to you wasn't.

"Of course, see you later." Then once Anderson left, Reid stood in front of you.

"What's wrong?" He got straight to the point, not like the previous times.

"Me? Nothing's wrong, I'm perfectly fine." But the drumming of your fingers on your coffee glass gave you away.

"Oh, of course." He crossed his arms, oh no, it seems his infinite patience turned out to be finite.

You immediately took a defensive stance. "Yes. I was perfectly fine before you came to interrupt my conversation with Anderson."

"About movies?" He didn't say it, but you knew he thought it was a nonsense, at least now that he was definitely irritated.

“Yes!" Your outburst earned you a few glances from the other agents. But both were too wrapped up in the tense conversation to deal with them.

"Sure, you have time to talk to other people about movies, but you don't even say a damn good morning to me.” You had to be careful what you said, you were in unfamiliar territory now, as Reid didn't usually swear.

"You're overreacting." Yeah... That probably wasn't the most brilliant thing you've ever said, but you were trying not to give away your secret, at least not yet.

“Overacting?” He was offended by your words. “You talk to everyone in the building except me. You used to spend as much time with me as possible, did I do something wrong?” A hint of fear and insecurity crept into his annoyed tone.

You shook your head. “Of course not.”

He put his hand on your shoulder. “Then tell me what’s wrong.” His tone was firm, but not harsh. Although it was obvious that he wasn't making a request of you.

"Spencer, I already told you that nothing is wrong with me." You emphasized the nothing.

He exhaled in frustration, he was 90% sure that this would work. "Fine! Then don't tell me anything." His patience had run out and he wasn't going to beg you anymore. It had been a week like this and he couldn't take it anymore, so he let go of your shoulder and walked away without even looking at you or giving you a sweet kiss on the cheek.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

Everything was dark, you reached for the light switch and then the spotlight illuminated your apartment. It was a less warm space without Spencer there.

You sighed before throwing your bag on the couch and closed the door.

You stood there for a couple of minutes staring at the lonely space. Well since you became Spencer Reid's girlfriend there weren't many lonely nights, mornings or afternoons.

You would definitely prefer him to be here right now, rambling or mumbling a foreign language movie to you. But for now you had to keep your secret, and that meant keeping Reid away.

The growl of your stomach snapped you out of your mind, so you headed straight for the fridge. But the smell of something made you nauseous, so you immediately ran to the bathroom to empty the contents of your stomach on the toilet.

Yes. You had to hurry to sweeten this horrible memory with a concerned Spencer who would hold your hair and rub your back while you threw up.

After dinner and take a warm shower, you were tired enough to do anything else, so you settled into bed to sleep. But your brain had other plans…

"You look... not very awake." Tara commented as soon as you dropped your coat on the back of your chair.

"I only slept three damn hours," you nearly growled before throwing yourself into the chair and running your hands over your face. You needed a liter of coffee.

Tara stopped typing on her computer and looked at you. "Is this something to do with your strange behavior the last week?" When she got no response, she said your name seriously.

You pulled your hands away from your face. “I…” you began to fiddle with the rings on your fingers, the burden of unspoken words beginning to weigh on your shoulders. "God, why does everyone suddenly care about my fucking life?" You opted for annoyance as the perfect disguise for your vulnerability.

"Hey. None of us want to bother you, but we care about your life because we are your friends and we love you." Tara used a serious tone, like a scolding, but there was genuine affection behind her words. "Besides, Reid is suffering because of your attitude."

A pang of guilt hit your chest. “I don’t want to hurt him.” You whispered.

“I know.” She walked over to your desk. “But you’re hurting him, even if you don’t mean to.”

You swallowed before looking up. "It's just that there's something..." You took a deep breath, this was harder than you thought. "Things are changing, things are definitely going to change if I say this, it's going to be real and I don't know how to feel about it. I need someone to tell me what to do, because I feel so lost."

Tara placed one of her hands over yours. "Well, if I'm going to help you, I need you to tell me what's wrong." Her voice was warm.

"I want Spencer to know first." But your half-hearted answer was enough for her to know.

"In that case you should tell him, because none of his PhDs include mind reading." She made a little joke that actually made you smile.

"Yeah, I know. He'll probably solve everything out like he always does." Then you looked straight at his empty desk, at the nameplate: Spencer Reid. "But I want to give him a surprise, something that will make him happy. I can't just walk up and say hey…” Then you forced yourself to close your mouth when you realized you were going to say more than necessary, although in reality Tara already had her suspicions.

"Okay, I'll help you." She sounded very determined and you really appreciated her help and that she wouldn't question you as much as the others.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

You spun around in your chair and then had an epiphany, but not like the Taylor Swift song. "Crossword!" Your excitement got you the looks of several agents in the bullpen, luckily one of them was Tara.

"With a secret message?"

"Yes. It's literally the best way." You said excitedly.

But in your mind everything was easier than it really was.

You ruffled your hair as you forced yourself to think more, giving you a splitting headache. "When did I think this would be a good idea? Doing a crossword puzzle for the average person is easy, but not for a genius with an IQ of 187." You dropped your head onto your desk.

"You need help."

"But who's as smart as Spencer?" You muttered defeated, still with your head hidden between your arms and the wood of the desk.

Someone ruffled your hair. “Mhm. Tesla? Einstein?”

You immediately raised your head, only to see the famous Derek Morgan. “They’re dead.” You snorted.

Morgan raised his hands in peace. "Hey, what's the bad mood, baby girl? I just answered your question." He let out one of his signature laughs.

You rolled your eyes. You wished you could turn off some damn switch that was responsible for making you so easily angry. God, WHY? You were starting to get desperate.

"Blake!" Another epiphany, you were really on top of it. You didn't even explain it to Tara, you just ran to the parking lot to get your phone which you had forgotten in the car.

Alex Blake was happy to help you put together a crossword puzzle for Spencer. Although she warned you that he once solved one in about five minutes.

Yeah, well, you were going to take the risk.

Once the crossword puzzle with the secret message was ready, you set out to find Reid.

As you were leaving Garcia's office he was getting out of the elevator, but he didn't even notice you. He continued on his way and god, why did he look so attractive?

"Spencer." You caught up to him as he walked up the stairs.

"Not now, I'm busy." He replied with a seriousness not typical of him.

"With what?" You frowned.

"I said I'm busy." I didn't even look at you as he continued walking to the conference room.

You called out to him, but he ignored you. “We need to talk.” You said seriously, raising your voice.

He stopped in his tracks immediately, freezing halfway. He had never experienced anything like this before, but he knew well what we need to talk meant.

He turned to look at you, with an expression that betrayed nothing of what he truly felt. "I said I'm busy, we'll talk later." That didn't convince you. “I have to do a geographic profile and you have to work on victimology like Hotch asked you to.”

The end was near? You were beginning to doubt and he was very sure, only that he would delay it as much as he could.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

You were about to give up, but you really needed him to know. So you resorted to plan B.

"Derek Morgan, my favorite person in the world." You appeared in front of him, with a big smile.

Morgan let out a light laugh. "Yeah sure, what can I do for you, gorgeous?"

"I think Spencer is upset with me."

"He definitely is." He said it without hesitation and it definitely didn't help the state of your aching heart.

"Okay..." You handed him the crossword puzzle. "Could you please give him this for me?"

He picked up the crossword puzzle. "If you think he's going to forgive you for avoiding him for a week just by giving him a crossword puzzle that he'll finish in two seconds, you might be right."

"Just give it to her, okay?"

"Of course. But in exchange for Penelope being the godmother.”

You immediately frowned, but you reacted a little late because Morgan had already left to deliver your order.

From your desk you watched everything. From how Morgan entered the conference room to give Spencer the crossword puzzle to how the bastard answered it in five minutes. When it took you like three hours to do.

But the best part was when he realized the secret message and ran out of the conference room.

But when he saw you, his quickened steps took on a much, much slower pace.

"Tell me what's true." His low tone sounded like a plea.

A slight smile appeared on your face. "Yeah. That's why I've been acting weird, you know I can't keep secre-"

Your words were cut off when his lips met yours. In a kiss so sweet and soft that it was enough to dispel every single one of your doubts.

A few seconds later, he pulled away from the kiss, leaving you wanting more.

He caressed your cheek with his thumb. "You didn't have to do a crossword puzzle to tell me you were pregnant."

"I wanted to surprise you." You whispered.

A smile that could light up this whole town formed on his lips. "I love you so much." He then kissed you warmly again.

🏷️ @floraisunwell

And so it was that the foundations that had crumbled with Maeve's death slowly re-emerged. They began to build themselves again with your arrival and now with this news, their foundations were stronger than ever, because at last he was going to have the family he had dreamed of for a tortuous time.

[dronningreid]

All the times I knew you

A seemingly ordinary case turns into something more when reader returns to Reid's life. Forcing him to tell something that he never told, the beginning of a story that broke his heart fourteen years ago.

change the ending series masterlist

who? Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

category: angst/fluff

warnings/content: reader jealous, reader is a little mean to jj (nothing personal, i love that queen), mentions of maeve, allusion to bullying, special appearance of alex blake, reid is a little mean to reader, very vague mentions of a case and reader and reid appear aged 12, 15 and 31. English is not my first language.

word count: 3.1K

a/n: Hello this is the first part of my series 'Change the ending' I hope you enjoy this as much as I loved writing this. There are a couple of references to the song cardigan (because that is my most personal song and also Spencer's)

14 years, 160 days, 33 minutes and 13 seconds. That was all the time that had passed since Reid last saw you.

It is said that there are always more questions than answers and that has never made more sense than today.

Today's case promised to be average on the Reid scale, of course.

Today promised to be just another day, like the rest. Just an irrelevant Wednesday where he would miss the Sunday of talking to Maeve, which was still fresh in his mind.

As fresh as you, a memory he should have let burn away fourteen years ago. But it wasn't that easy, even without his eidetic memory you attached yourself to his cerebral cortex as if you had been there since the first time he opened his eyes.

If there was one thing he had learned all those years ago, it was that the memories most want to forget are the ones hold on to the most tightly.

"Earth calling Reid." JJ waved her hand in front of his friend's face.

He blinked a few times. “Yeah. What’s up?” He tried to keep his gaze on JJ, but his eyes kept drifting to your shape. So close and so far at the same time... Just like the last time.

Maybe it was a mistake in his mind and it wasn't you, fourteen years had passed. How could he even recognize you? He didn't even know if you were still alive.

Maybe this time it was like when everything ended and he thought he saw you everywhere. In the grocery line, at school, at home...

As if you were a phantom he couldn't get rid of.

He knew those shadows weren't you and yet every time he thought he saw you it was like such a simple activity like breath became complicated out of nowhere. You used to have that effect, honestly you still have it.

Jennifer frowned before turning her gaze to you. But a couple more eyes weren't enough for you realize what was happen. "You know her?" The question caught him off guard.

How should he even answer such a question? Yes, more than anything. No. Of course. Maybe. Neither was a sufficient answer because on the one hand of course he knew you, at least that's how it was before and that's why he didn't know you, at least not now.

He shoved his hands into his pockets before finally looking at JJ. “She looks like someone I used to know.” 100% true? No, but pretty close.

"I was hoping so, it would help us if you met her." Reid frowned. "Bertram is our most viable suspect, if we lose him we're going to hit a wall." JJ explained something that Reid should already know, should.

"And what does that have to do with her?" Reid raised an eyebrow.

JJ was the one who frowned this time. "Spence, she is Bertram's lawyer. Are you okay?"

When he was about to answer, you approached him, increasing his questions, doubts and clumsiness.

"I'm Bertram Harris' lawyer." You introduced yourself before continuing, answering at least one of Spencer's questions. "What is the imaginary evidence against my client? Because if there was real evidence, charges would have already been filed." He knew that harsh tone so well...

"We have 48 hours before we file charges." Reid replied seriously.

"46 hours." You corrected so casually. He recognized you, but you didn't recognize him? Ouch.

"Well, we have a profile-" You didn't let Jennifer finish speaking.

"Profiles." You let out an exaggerated sigh. "I bet a lot of people would fit in your profile, so that's not enough to prove my client guilty in court." You spoke firmly, fierce as a defense lawyer, and you weren't in court yet. And even though he didn't exactly like your attitude, he had to admit that you were good.

Reid crossed his arms. "Out of so many people, it's amazing that the evidence will lead us right to your client. So we'll take advantage of the 46 hours we have left."

You snorted. "Fine, but when time passes and all of you have nothing against my client, he'll be upset about the time you made him waste." You pulled a pen out of your bag. "Give me your names."

JJ and Spencer shared a look before sighing and agreeing to your request. "Jennifer Jareau." You jotted the name down on your palm.

"Spencer Reid." A hint of mockery crept into his serious tone. Yes, you probably didn't remember his face, but his name was something you'd never forget.

You barely wrote the S on your palm and it was like the ink turned to poison when it came into contact with your skin. You immediately rubbed your palm against your trousers before looking up. "Spencer Re...?" The last few letters died in your mouth.

Of course, no one else had those beautiful eyes with hazel colors and golden flecks. So bright, so honest, so innocent. But now in those eyes there was nothing more than severity.

JJ's gaze traveled from Reid to you and back to Reid, using her profiling skills to determine why the air had suddenly become so thick.

"You look... Different." You whispered as he suddenly decided that silence was his best friend.

The wall he had built so long ago was still as strong as the last time you saw him. The last time he saw you he was so serious but this time after fourteen years he made you feel like you were seventeen again.

"You too." Rather than stating the obvious, that sounded like an insult.

JJ cleared her throat. "Spence." He looked away from you. "You know her?" Jennifer whispered in a failed attempt to get you not hear her.

"No." You were surprised at how quickly the letters that came out of his mouth took shape.

"Liar." You pointed out before looking at Jennifer. Though your attention wavered to the ring on her finger. "He knows every inch of me." You lifted your chin.

JJ raised her eyebrows and the way she looked at Reid it seemed more like gossip to her than a tease...

You thought. <<Yeah, maybe she doesn't>>

"Her husband's name is Will. It's not me, she's just my friend." He clarified, though it's not like you were entitled to clarification. At least you hadn't had that right for a long time.

Even when he was just a student he also had that ability to read you like an open book.

"And as for what you said, I'm not a liar." His tone was painfully stern. "I knew you before, fourteen years ago, but that's too long for anyone to remember." That's what he wanted to repeat to himself, because honestly the memories that were about you had no expiration date. "Now and maybe even then I have no idea who you are."

He gave you one last look before turning on his heel and walking off to somewhere where he couldn't sense your presence.

"I'll talk to Bertram about not pressing charges." JJ looked at you in confusion and to be honest even you couldn't believe that a stupid teenage love affair was enough to affect your work. At least you weren't the only one going through something like that.

"And I'm sorry..." A lump formed in your throat. "Maybe I shouldn't even ask you this, but could you deliver something to Spencer?" You then pulled a card out of your bag and handed it to Jennifer.

She studied the black card in her hand for a few seconds, carefully looking at your name and phone number. "Of course, I'll give it to him." She smiled slightly at you.

You gave her an awkward smile before turning away. God, you felt so stupid now for thinking she was his wife. Besides, what would be wrong with him having a wife? Spencer Reid deserved to be happy.

As soon as you left the police station, JJ pulled out his phone. "Penelope, you won't believe what just happened."

∗⋅✧⋅∗

Reid was in a small office going over all the evidence again for a reason he wouldn't admit out loud.

But he had already checked everything three times and had hit a wall all three times. The time it took him to figure things out could vary, but this was different.

What he didn't know was that the answer was there, it's just that his mind was too clouded at the moment to realize it.

And all that mental fog had a name: yours.

He loosened his tie, taking a deep breath to regulate his racing heart. Apparently you still had that effect on him, you, the protagonist of a story so old that it must have already had cobwebs. But unfortunately for him, that wasn't the case...

Spencer gripped the edge of the desk before taking another deep breath.

But his attempts to relax were cut short when his worst enemy: his own memory made him relive the last time he kissed your lips...

The soft skin against each other, the mingled breaths, your hands in his hair and the way he didn't see that those would be the last kisses.

"Another disadvantage of eidetic memory," he told himself. But now that he thought about it, did it have any benefit? Of course it did. But all the tangled threads in his mind didn't allow see the reality.

Someone knocked on the door and he jumped slightly in place before looking towards the door. "Blake..."

Blake smiled slightly at him. "Hi." Her eyes scanned the papers scattered across the desk and then Reid's disheveled appearance. "Is everything okay?"

He nodded quickly, taking his seat back behind the desk. "Yeah." But the way Alex looked at him made him say something else. "Not really."

She sat down in front of him. "Yes, we all know about the pretty lawyer."

"Jennifer..." Reid huffed before running his hands over his face.

"And who is she?" Blake asked in her usual calm tone.

<<Good question>>

A short time ago he was telling her about Maeve, he never thought he would tell Blake about another girl again and not so suddenly... But honestly you weren't another girl, you were THE GIRL.

Reid sighed. "She's nobody." He pinched the bridge of his nose.

"It must be someone if the smartest guy I know hasn't already given us a big revelation that will help with this case." Blake looked at him with understanding eyes. "Go ahead Reid, talking about it will help."

Reid rubbed his knees with his hands. "Well I can't tell you who she's, but I can tell you who she was."

∗⋅✧⋅∗

Spencer took a deep breath. "I don't even know where to start."

"The beginning is perhaps the easiest." She gave his hand a gentle squeeze, encouraging him to continue.

"We had a lot of beginnings, if that's possible." He ran a hand through his hair.

His mind traveled back to the first interaction he had with you, when you were both 12. But before that, something else had to happen for him to get to know you, something very bad.

He was in the library when Harper Hillman approached him.

"Alexa Isben wants to meet you behind the field house." She said.

She was there. So was the entire football team. They stripped him naked and tied him to a goal post. So many kids were there, just watching...

He begged them to, but they just watched. Then finally they got bored and they left.

He had told that story to Morgan years ago, but he had completely erased you from it. Until now.

Alex looked at him with compassion. "It got dark and I thought I would stay there forever. But then she appeared..." He looked away, remembering it as if it were yesterday.

A little twelve-year-old you ran towards the goal post. "Oh my god. Who did this to you?" You kept your eyes fixed on his defeated face.

He had never seen you before, did you even study there? Because you didn't look the same age as the guys he was going to graduate with, the ones who had done this to him...

You looked much younger, like him.

You weren't discouraged by his lack of words, instead you considered how to help him. "Wait here, I'll go get some clothes and some scissors to cut the rope." You didn't wait for an answer, you just ran off to find what you told him.

The cold of the night was beginning to seep through his skin, freezing him. He didn't even think you'd come back, but then. "Be careful with the scissors, if I sting you, let me know." So you put all your effort into cutting the rope, at that moment you regretted not carrying a knife for ease.

Luckily, a single cut was enough to release the rope. You then spread the clothes you had found over him and covered your eyes with your hand.

"I hope it fits, it's my brother's so it might be a little big on you." Spencer took the clothes from your hands.

"Thank you." He whispered as he hurriedly put on each item of clothing. "You can look now." He said once he finished putting on the shirt.

You pulled your hand away from your eyes. “Oh, I forgot the jacket. You must be freezing cold.” You said as you hurriedly unbuttoned your loose black cardigan.

"Oh, you don't have to..." Embarrassment seeped into his words but you still put your cardigan on him.

"It's okay. You need it more than me. By the way, I'm..." Then you told him your name.

He watched as you finished buttoning the cardigan. "Spencer. Spencer Reid."

"You should tell me the names of those who did this to you, then I can tell my mother to expel them. She's the principal." You let your hands fall to your sides.

"It's not that bad..." Yes it was.

"Of course it was!" You exclaimed. "Give me names and I'll beat them up myself. I hate bullies."

Spencer let out a light laugh that quickly disappeared at the bitter feelings bubbling up inside him. "They're the older guys, you can't handle them. Besides, this could have been worse."

"Don't underestimate me." You tried to joke. "Worse? How long have you been tied up there? It's almost midnight" You looked at him with concern.

"Midnight?" His eyes widened. Surely his mother was worried that he hadn't come home.

So you grabbed him by the sleeve of the cardigan and dragged him along. "Come, I'll ask my dad to take you home."

∗⋅✧⋅∗

"So her dad drove you home?" Blake asked.

"Yes. It was like midnight when I got home. My mom didn't even realize I was late. She was having one of her episodes..." He sigh, how could something that had happened so long ago still have such a negative power over him? "I know I shouldn't get into a stranger's car and technically nothing bad happened to me, they helped me. But I did it... Because I felt like I could trust her but maybe it wasn't a good idea from the start."

"I'm sorry you had to go through that to meet her."

Spencer sighed and looked down. "I regret about both."

"Both?" Blake looked at him in confusion.

Reid looked up. "Yeah, what happened that day and meeting her." He replied with a seriousness too cold to be true.

Blake stared at him in silence for a couple of seconds before speaking again. "What happened next?"

"I don't saw her again, it was like she just vanished." He sighed. "Then three years passed and there she was again..."

"I was studying for my first PhD at MIT so I decided that over the holidays I wanted to go home to visit my mother. But instead of taking a flight I decided to travel by train."

It's funny how a single decision can affect our future.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

"The last train to Las Vegas leaves in five minutes." A voice announced through one of the speakers.

"One ticket, please." The woman at the ticket office handed him his ticket once he gave her the money.

Reid was about to board the train when you crashed into it.

"I'm so sorry." you continued to apologize as you helped him up from the floor.

He brushed off his clothes once he was standing again. "It's okay, don't worry."

You tried not to look at him, not after you had thrown him to the floor. But he did look at you which made his heart skip a beat when he recognized you.

He stared in your direction for a couple of seconds before deciding to continue and board the train.

"Oh, I, I had my money here." You patted your jacket pockets. "If you could just help me I'd pay you right away... It's just that it's very important for me to have that ticket because it's the last train to Las Vegas and I really need to go." But the woman at the ticket office didn't take pity on you.

Then Reid came over. "I'll pay for the ticket."

The woman didn't say anything, she just accepted Reid's money and handed you the ticket, which you immediately took.

"Thank you so much, you just saved my life." You followed him to board the train together.

"Okay, we're even now." He smiled slightly at you.

You hadn't planned on sitting next to a complete stranger but you followed him. "We're even?" You asked as he placed his luggage in the compartment.

"I'm Spencer." He hope that will refresh your mind.

You opened your mouth in surprise. "Of course! Spencer Reid, I remember you well." You scanned him from top to bottom. "The answer to where I left my favorite cardigan three years ago." You tried to load your luggage into the compartment but couldn't.

He helped you out, like a true gentleman. "I'm sorry I didn't see you again after that. Do you want it back?" He asked after closing the compartment door.

"You still have it?" You asked in disbelief.

"It's my favorite too." He whispered.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

"I didn't plan on things being like this, but she and I were together the whole trip. Just chatting and-" He looked down as nostalgia washed over him. "Marked me like a blood stain..."

"She seems pretty nice so far." Blake commented. "What went wrong?"

"She was really nice." He sighed. "At that time, nothing bad had happened. In fact, after that incredible trip I lost track of her again and didn't see her again until two years later."

He looked up. "But I didn't really know her until our third beginning, when everything started to go wrong..."

[dronningreid]

Between the bitter reality and a sweet ending.

After Reid's visit to his mother and his conversation with Cat Adams, you notice how what seemed to be the best news of their lives receives a reality check.

Between letters: Part 1 (it is not necessary read the first part to understand this, but I recommend it)

who? Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

category: angst/fluff

warnings: pregnant reader, reid is again pessimistic, overthinking (poor thing) and isolates himself, mentions of alzheimer's and schizophrenia, mention of cat adams 💀 english is not my first language and this is a two-part story.

word count: 2.1K

a/n: Thanks to everyone who gave so much love to the first part of this, it really made my horrible days more beautiful. Well, I made this somewhat based on entropy (11x11) and christmas (it's soon!) because that episode always gave me a lot of that vibe. (Spoilers below) But I did this in particular because we talk enough about how Spencer would be the best dad in the UNIVERSE, but where is his fear that his children will have the mental illnesses that he so afraid of? we don't talk about that enough.

It is said that after the storm comes the calm. So what do you do when after the calm comes another storm? Much stronger, more devastating.

"Marry me." After kissing you he got on his knees.

You laughed nervously. "Nooo, yet."

He looked at you with those beautiful puppy eyes. "Please..." Reid leave a kiss on the back of your hand.

You caressed his cheek and he rubbed his face against your palm. "Happiness is what speaks. I don't want you proposing to me five minutes after finding out I'm pregnant with your baby."

"One hour?" You denied. "Two?" You denied again. "One day?" He tilted his head to the side.

"Get up, everyone is looking at us strangely." You insist.

He snort before obeying, he was a good boy. "Fine. But I'm still waiting for an answer, you have two options: yes or of course."

"I'm not going to marry you just because i'm pregnant." It hurt you to see his look of disappointment. "And of course I want to marry you, but not like that. I don't want you see this an obligation because it isn't."

"Men of the 19th century think differently." He did a small joke. "But this isn't an obligation for me, still I understand and I will wait... a year?"

"But I want a nice ring or I will say no." You decided to push his buttons a little.

He of course got your joke. "Anything for the mother of my baby." He gave you a kiss on the cheek.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

A couple of months passed, your belly was growing every day even though it still was small. Spencer was always there to praise and pamper you and his baby.

It was a heavenly, beautiful, perfect couple of months, proof that perfection can exist. But there is entropy, things break down, wear out and if they are ordered, sooner or later it return to their natural chaotic state.

You had only been without Spencer for a couple of days but you already missed him so badly, like you needed his presence to breathe easier. Sometimes you hated how much you needed him.

"I want to go with you."

He left his suitcase at the door just to go and leave a sweet kiss on your forehead. "I'm just going to check on my mum, it's better for you and the baby to stay here, safe."

Even when he was gone, you could still feel the sensation of his lips on your forehead. Like the ghost of a kiss...

When Spencer came back home there was something different on him. Something he wasn't telling you.

You were barely able to talk to him, as the team was very busy working on the strategy to end the network of online hitmen that threatened Garcia.

You were with Garcia when Reid came down the stairs, adjusting his tie.

You focus your attention on him. "I don't like you being the bait." Translation: I don't like you look so handsome for another woman, especially if she's a psychopath.

"I'm the closest in age." He explained again.

"I know, but that doesn't make me feel better." You helped him adjust his tie. "Especially if your alibi is wanting to pay to kill your pregnant wife."

He shifted his eyes to the small lump on your belly. "Is this some kind of revenge for me not agreeing to marry you?" You joked.

That didn't go at all the way you wanted, because both of you gained Penelope's attention and he didn't laugh, not even a smile. He just brought his hand to your belly before placing a kiss.

"I don't like my alibi either, but the point is to irritate her." He sounded so terrifyingly serious. Something was definitely wrong and you couldn't rest easy until you figured out what it was.

"Spencer-"

"I have something!" Penelope said as she typed something into the computer.

Reid simply walked past you and paid attention to what Penelope had discovered.

You didn't even hear what your friend had discovered, it was like it was just background noise. Well, all your attention was revolving around a single unknown, there was only one thing you wanted to discover.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

You wish that after dismantling a network of hitmen things would be better, but that was all it was: just a wish.

Everything that happened at Harry & Glenn's Grill and Bar tested your ability to not die of a heart attack. First the bomb, then that Cat Adams pointing a gun at your boyfriend. Luckily the BAU won, but it didn't quite feel like a complete victory, at least not for Reid so it doesn't feel like victory for you either.

It didn't help that Spencer had a mysterious conversation with Cat after he arrested her. If he was already acting weird with everyone (especially you) this new variable did not help your situation.

But at least now you had hope that everything would get better, it was Christmas Eve dinner. Everything was supposed to get better, right?

"Do you think anyone will make turkey? The baby wants turkey."

Reid opened the car door for you. "JJ maybe. Penelope definitely not and Rossi might make his famous pasta."

∗⋅✧⋅∗

The car ride was unpleasantly quiet. Usually you'd enjoy the silence with Spencer, it used to be comfortable. But now, now it was fucking torture.

"What the hell is wrong with you?" You sounded more aggressive than you intended. Bad idea, because he looked away from the road to look at you with a frown.

"Excuse me?" His harsh tone was like a punch. He didn't usually talk to you like that, never.

You laughed nervously, he of course doesn't. "Sorry." You looked at your hands in your lap. You couldn't stand his gaze, it burned.

And this is where he would ask what you meant, using a calmer tone of course. But that didn't happen, he just left you with a lump in your throat and a headache.

The ride continued in silence, a deathly silence.

At least when you got to the Rossi house, sorry, Rossi mansion you were able to relax a little with the girls. Although there was definitely still that little thorn that didn't leave you in peace and it was called: what the hell is wrong with Spencer Reid?

It was almost Christmas, you didn't want things with him to be like this, complicated.

After going down the stairs you returned to the dining room where the others were. "Hey guys, has anyone seen Spence?"

Everyone looked at each other, but only one knew the answer. "I saw him go to the back garden." Morgan said.

You just nodded before putting on your coat and walking outside. Immediately a light gust of cold wind brushed your cheek.

You saw him there standing in front of the pool, just thinking. Something common with him, always, but at least before he used to share that throughs with you.

You approached, putting a hand on his shoulder to get his attention. "Morgan told me you were here."

"I just needed to get some air." He didn't even bother to look at you, because his gaze was lost in a place you couldn't reach.

Silence soon filled the air between you two, turning what was once warm into something frigid. You meditated on what would be the best thing to say, you searched for magic words that would make him speak. But there was nothing.

"I'm mad at you." That came out before you could stop the words.

At least this time you had his attention, but it hurt to see how his eyes betrayed the pain that his mouth could not express. Still he remained silent, waiting for you to say something more.

"I can forgive you, of course." You rushed to say something that would make the guilt in your chest go far away. "But it hurt how you first told a criminal what's happening with your mother. I guess that's what's been bothering you these days, but if there's anything else, Spencer, I need you to tell me."

He ran a hand over his face before sighing in frustration. "It's not like I told her because I wanted to." he said defensively.

"I know, I know or maybe you did because you needed to vent and tell someone. But I would have preferred that person to be me..." Your voice broke.

He was starting to feel like the biggest idiot in the world. Spencer immediately sought comfort in your hand and you didn't stop him.

"I hate it when you walk away and retreat into yourself, like you're the only person you can trust. And I say, I understand that you do that with others, but with me?" Every word that came out of your mouth began to weigh on his chest.

"I know I can trust you, but it's hard to just stop doing something I've been doing all my life." He brushed the back of your hand with his thumb.

You looked at his hand. "At least try..." You hated that that sounded like a plea. "Maybe if we share the load, it will be easier for you."

He nodded and took a deep breath, but it took him a few more minutes to speak again. "It's no secret that I'm afraid..." He took another deep breath and you gave his hand a gentle squeeze to encourage him to continue. "I'm afraid I might have schizophrenia like my mother, and when I turned thirty I thought I'd dodged a bullet. But now dementia and alzheimer's are on the list."

You stayed silent, waiting for him to continue telling you what had been hurting him lately.

"Anyway, if it's only about me I can live with that." It wasn't like that, it obviously affected him more than he wanted to admit. But then his gaze fell on your belly. "But I can't live with the idea that I've been selfish for so long...

You frowned. “Selfish?”

"Yes. Because I have wanted children for a long time without thinking that they could be like my mother or like me..." His voice broke. "And now it's too late, because I've already ruined everything, I've already got you pregnant and this baby could have schizophrenia, dementia, Alzheimer's or all three." Breathing began to become difficult. "And I feel like the worst father and boyfriend in the world, because it would only be my fault if the baby is like that and you would have to pay the price for my mistakes."

"Enough, enough." You placed your hands on either side of his face. "We don't even know if it will happen and even if it did, this is not your fault, Spencer."

He placed his hands on your wrists, holding you there. "And who is the blame?" That bad habit of always wanting to find someone to blame.

You forced yourself to shut your mouth, you didn't have an answer for that.

"I don't know..." The guilt in his eyes was hard to see. "I just know it's not your fault. And it's done, the baby could be like you, like your mother or like me and all those things are okay, because I know that I will love it no matter what and I know you'll love it too." You brushed his cheekbones with your thumbs.

"But I don't want the baby to hate me if it inherited some of that, its life will be difficult and I don't want that..." He whispered.

"The baby won't hate you for it and me neither." You gave him a kiss on the tip of his nose.

"You say that now." He swallowed. "But in a couple of years we may not have much time left and I won't be able to recognize you, the love of my life. I will not remember that I love you and then you will hate me." How could he say such beautiful words like the love of my life, I love you and still say the most devastating thing in the world?

"But that may not happen." You preferred to remain optimistic.

"But the odds-" Then you put a finger on his lips, you rarely wished he would shut up.

"I don't care about the odds, even if in a couple of years you don't know who I am, I will know who you are. And no mental illness in the world can ever change how much I love you." You continued to caress his cheek and that, combined with your words, made him feel calmer. "I will stay, until the end."

He immediately wrapped you tightly in his arms, burying his head in the crook of your neck. "I don't deserve you." He whispered against your skin.

You caressed his hair while your free hand caressed his back. "If you didn't, I wouldn't be here."

Only time would tell if Reid's fears would come true, but one thing was certain: He always have you by his side. That and the daughter you and him had together was enough for have his happy ending.

[dronningreid]

Change the ending • Masterlist

No end point in the story, not over.

Inspired by cardigan by Taylor Swift.

who? Teenager!Spencer Reid x Teenager Fem!Reader - S8!Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader.

category: angst

status: in progress

warning: I tried to respect the (complicated) canon of Criminal Minds but some unclear things and other clear things were modified for the sake of the plot. Each part will have its own warnings.

Just when Spencer Reid thought the past was buried, reader comes back into his life destroying the foundations of his life to force him to face the consequences of something that happened when he was seventeen. But facing the wounds of first love is always an impossible battle to win.

✧ Part 1: All the times I knew you

✧ Part 2: I was your favorite

✧ Part 3: All my what-ifs

✧ Part 4: The endings of our beginnings

[dronningreid]

All my what-ifs.

At his darkest point, Reid decides to meet with reader under the pretext of closing that chapter in his life, but maybe his feelings for reader are more alive than he thought.

change the ending series masterlist

who? Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

category: angst

warnings/content: mentions of Maeve, discussions in a public place, mentions of sex (nothing explicit), special appearance by sassy Reid (because i'm his fan) mild use of vodka and mention of alcohol. English is not my first language.

word count: 3.8K

a/n: Obviously the name of this part is a reference to cardigan but I love What if...? so it's a fun coincidence. And I have a very good justification for what reader did so wait for the final part. I wrote this a while ago and I was going to wait longer to publish this but unfortunately I've been too busy to finish my drafts and it's been a rough couple of days which has also prevented me from doing what I love most. Anyway I hope you enjoy this <3

What if you were to appear in his life again?

Maybe if he hadn't asked that damn question...

Well, long before that, a lot of blood had already been shed and most of it was his.

What if he agreed to meet you?

Well, it was something Spencer was about to find out and honestly it wouldn't be the first time a question had gotten him into trouble.

<<Maybe the past should stay where it was>> He kept telling himself but he was never good with that.

"Hey Spence, drinks at O'Keefe, you come?" JJ asked as the rest of the team made their way to the elevator.

Reid pulled on his coat. "No, I uh, I have a date." The words were out before he could reason them out. "Well, it's not really a date, more of a meeting of old acquaintances..."

JJ understood immediately. "The lawyer?"

Reid's gaze was lost on the floor. "Yeah, her." He sighed.

"Are you going to see her? I don't know if that's a good idea." JJ didn't get a answer.

"I read the file I asked Garcia to make for you. Her mother was the principal at your high school and her father was a professor at MIT at the time when you studied there before going to Caltech." Yes JJ, there was a reason why that had happened. "That happened a decade ago Spence, I guess it ended badly and I know for a fact that no one can be special for that long time, not like that."

"She does." The truth broke through his stone wall. "A file doesn't say how much I loved her, all the times we shared, how I thought I knew her better than she knew herself, and it doesn't say I slept with her." The lump in his throat thickened. "Someone I had my first times with will be special until the day I die."

The thoughts materialized into reality before he could stop them. It was horrifying to be seen so vulnerable by someone...

But he had to admit that it felt good to relieve some of the burden on his bones.

JJ's eyebrows rose and her eyes widened. "You're right..." She whispered. "But if she's so special, why didn't you treat her like that at the police station?"

Reid picked up his briefcase. "I wouldn't have done it if she hadn't crushed my heart." He replied curtly before walking past her towards the exit.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

"What are you going to order?" You asked him as your eyes scanned the menu.

He should be repeating your action, but instead he was watching you.

From the moment you entered the restaurant he felt like he was so close to have a heart attack. Well, his skin was cold, he was dazed and he swore he felt a pressure in his chest but of course he knew he wasn't having a heart attack because statistically it's more common to have a heart attack after the 45 than at his age.

"Same as you." He replied without interest in a successful attempt to hide his true feelings.

You nodded before pointing the waiter to the saucer on the menu. "Two orders but one without creamed spinach."

A crack appeared in his stone wall.

His heart skipped a beat at that 'nonsense' and he hated himself for it.

He seemed to be 100% sure that you never loved him and now you came out with this, remembering perfectly what he hated...

The waiter took the order and then left with the menus.

He was so quiet so you decided to be the first to break the ice. "How's your mom?"

His mind played tricks on him as projected the time he introduced you to his mother. "She's fine." He said defensively.

Your brow furrowed. "Hey, you were the one who called." You had a very good point that even he couldn't deny.

He sighed and folded his hands together on the table. "And you were the one who suggested we meet."

You leaned over the table. "Don't start with that or you'll lose." The waiter came back and left the dishes on the table, so you rejoin in your seat.

"Lose? Is everything a game to you?" He asked sternly. Oh no, this was heating up a lot sooner than you anticipated.

"Of course not." You defended yourself. "But don't pretend that I started this when I know damn well that you investigated me."

His brow furrowed as a question swam through his mind. "It wasn't me to begin with."

"Oh sure." You took out your cell phone and placed it on the table.

He took your cell phone when he saw a photo of him with Penelope taken directly from her instagram.

"I get a notification every time someone searches for me on the internet, but I didn't get the IP address of course was the FBI." You explained.

"A little so paranoid, don't you think?" He said cynically.

"Let me continue." You reprimanded him. "And oh surprise after being investigated by someone anonymous, a certain Penelope Garcia started following me on Instagram."

Reid closed his eyes for a moment. "In my defense, I didn't ask her to do that." JJ do, but he don't.

"Of course, it was like a favor between friends?" You crossed your arms.

He looked at you directly. "What does that tell you that she's only my friend?" Reid knew exactly what he meant by that.

"Well she's not your wife." You looked at his hands thankfully finding the absence of a ring. "And I doubt she's your girlfriend. She's not your type." Your second statement was accompanied by a slight movement at the corner of your mouth, almost like a smile.

He leaned forward. "Oh yeah? So who's my type?" He whispered so damn provocative.

Spencer had that damn power where his eyes seemed to be able to read your soul. "Me." The words left your mouth almost immediately.

"Don't give yourself so much credit." That was a huge blow to your ego. "Maybe you were my type, when I was seventeen. But look at you and look at me. I'm thirty one and I'm not a kid anymore."

And when you had nothing left you used your last weapon. "Well, you act like one."

Reid sighed as if it wasn't worth his time to continue wasting his time on you. "You and your old tricks."

You looked away, trying to find a better counterattack. "So tell me, what's your type now?" Curiosity won out over revenge.

"Well I'm dating someone now." Those simple words were the equivalent of a gunshot or so you thought, you'd never been shot.

You swallowed in an attempt to undo the lump in your throat. "And what is she like?" Yeah, maybe you didn't want to hear the answer to that.

"Very clever would be an understatement." He replied proudly.

<<Of course, someone like him>> you thought.

At that moment a memory invaded your mind.

"So you're dating with Spencer Reid? Isn't he too smart for you?"

Words spoken 14 years ago still had the power to make you feel so small and it was worse when it were accompanied by that thunderous teenage laughter.

"And is she pretty?" You asked as if something as absurd as physical appearance would make you feel better.

His mistake was answering you truthfully. "I think so." He immediately scolded himself.

Your brow furrowed. “You think so? So you don’t even know what she looks like?” You let out a humorless laugh. “That’s so stupid, dating someone you’ve never even met.”

His eyes flared with anger, but he tried to maintain his composure. "Appearance is not something that has ever mattered to me and even though I have never seen her in person I know her better than I ever knew you."

"If appearance never mattered to you then what the hell did you see in me?" Your voice rose a little. "Because I was never as smart or perfect as you wanted me to be."

"I never, ever made you feel inferior to me." His voice rose as well. "And now that I think about it, I have no idea what the hell I ever saw in you."

Your bottom lip trembled slightly, almost imperceptible but he saw it and you saw that he saw it, so you looked away in an attempt to not look so fragile.

"I..." His voice faltered, of course he was still angry but the possibility of hurting you, no matter how small, made him feel like he didn't deserve the air he breathed. "I really don't know, it was only when I least expected it that the feelings were there..." He sighed. "I guess I just needed the happiness you gave me." His words were barely a whisper.

How could forget?, you had drew stars around his scars from the second he met you. But what did that matter when you made him bleed?

"And now someone else gives you that happiness?" You looked down at the floor, fearing the answer.

When he said yes it was like you had nothing left. Immediately your eyes filled with tears and you tried at all costs to avoid him noticing.

But he was a profiler so of course he noticed.

What if you would've confessed the truth on that swing?

Before answering his question, it's necessary to take a look at the past.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

<<I did something wrong?>> The question settled in his mind a week ago when you started acting weird around him, but since then the question wouldn't leave him alone.

You were alone in home, just lying on the couch watching TV.

But you were forced out of the comfort of the blanket when there was a knock on the door. “Who is it?” You wondered if you should pull out the welcome mat or a knife.

"Spencer Reid." He didn't need to say his full name, it's not like you'd meet another Spencer and even if you did, when you heard the name you'd only think of him, your boyfriend.

Hearing his voice from the other side of the door, you immediately put on your slippers to go over and open the door and when you did...

"You've never told me what your favorite flowers are, so I bought one of each. Well, at least from the ones in the flower shop." As he explained, your eyes took in each beautiful flower perfectly arranged in the large, beautiful bouquet. "Maybe I should have gone to a bigger flower shop..."

You immediately shook your head and moved closer to join your lips with his. He accepted immediately, placing his free hand on your waist.

You gave him small kisses before pulling away. "It's perfect, thank you." You whispered before taking the bouquet.

You went to get a flower vase from the kitchen and you didn't see Spencer, so you peeked out only to see him standing in the doorway, waiting.

"Are you a vampire who needs to be invited in?" After a week a joke had the honor of leaving your lips.

He smiled shyly before he closed the door behind him. "Where's your dad?"

"Exam season he stays late, you know." You explained as you filled the flower vase with water. "You must be pretty stressed and busy too." You glanced at him briefly before placing the flowers in the vase.

"I'm never busy for you." He cautiously approached you.

Your gaze was lost in the beautiful bouquet he bought for you and then you had a hard time breathing because of how sweet he was, such a good boyfriend, so perfect. You thought that you didn't deserve him.

"Well then what do you want to do? We can go outside to the swings in the garden or we can go up to my room while dad is not there." You suggested, lowering your voice a little as you said the second.

Reid's cheeks quickly flushed pink. "I... uhm." He scratched the back of his neck.

His skin grew warm just remembering your hand inside his sweatshirt. It had only been a couple of days since his first time with you and he was still breathless just remembering it.

"We can go to the swings and talk, that's what I came here." He paused. "But if you want, we can go to your room afterwards..." He whispered.

Both swung on the swings, the air brushing against your face as both rose higher.

"And what did you want to talk about?" You asked while stretching your legs to climb higher than him.

He stopped the swing from moving and looked at you as if silently requesting you to imitate his action.

Your swing stopped next to his. “You’ve been a little distant lately. Did I do something to upset you or hurt you in some way?” He scanned your expression for answers.

You shook your head immediately.

"So what is it?" He looked at you with pleading eyes before taking your hand and rubbing your knuckles with his thumb. "You know you can tell me anything, right?"

You nodded, you needed to tell him something and despite what he said you couldn't tell the truth. So you opted for something else that had also made your days bad.

You took a deep breath. "My parents are getting divorced."

He looked at you with understanding but said nothing, waiting for you to continue.

"I was having a bad day and luckily you showed up." You smiled lightly at him. "They gave me the news a few days ago and I don't know how I didn't see it coming. My mom is in Las Vegas and my dad is here in Cambridge. I thought the long distance relationship was working for them but it turns out that they cannot tolerate being close to each other."

Your eyes filled with tears. "I know I'm not a little girl anymore who has to suffer because her parents are separating, but it hurts." He nodded before placing a sweet kiss on your knuckles. "Now that I think about it, I don't know of any relationship that has lasted that long. Can love last that long? Because if not, then how much time do we have left?"

Panic welled up in his gut. “We’re not your parents and we’re not my parents.” He tightened his grip on your hand slightly. “I’ll always be yours.” So that’s why it’s said to be careful what you say.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

"Have you ever wondered what would happened if you had told me the truth that night at your house?" The question came out before he could stop it.

You managed to keep not a single tear from falling, you had gotten good at that over the years. "You would've broken up with me." Yes, you had thought about that a thousand times.

"It's not true." The truth was humiliating. "And if it had been so, what was the point of you leaving me first?" He scolded you, pain and repressed anger seeping through every syllable.

What if you hadn't left like a father and running like water? The answer was not good for his dignity.

"Well if you think you have the answer tell me what would have happened if I had told you the truth that day?" You asked abruptly.

The truth was something I would never say out loud to you, but I had thought about that answer for 14 years.

He wanted to think that both would have worked things out together, that both would stay together until you finished college and then he would bought the most beautiful ring and gotten down on one knee.

You probably said yes and then you would be his wife now, Mrs. Reid. And maybe both would have a child, maybe two.

But that was only a possibility 14 years ago, now it was an impossibility. Because he lived in a cruel reality where he wasn't your husband or the father of your children.

"We could have fixed it." He replied with a half-truth, leaving out the rings, the white dress, and the cribs. "But you left me and ran away from me..." The words burned in his throat.

"I wasn't running away from you..." You whispered.

"Then what?" His tone was harsh.

"Of the consequences." You tried to hide the vulnerability in your words, but what your lips hide, your eyes show.

He had nothing left, why continue hiding the truth? "I would have forgiven you." He confessed quietly.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

Spencer hated when you and him separated at parties, because he was only there for you.

This time both separated because you had to go to the bathroom or so he thought.

"Hey Spencer, you need to control your damn girlfriend." Kelly's words made him frown.

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you heard? The whole school is whispering that she slept with Ryan and like two minutes ago she kissed him in the garden." Kelly replied, almost steaming from her ears.

But for Reid what Kelly said couldn't be true, you would never be capable of doing something like that...

But once doubt sets in there's only one way to stop it. So he came look for you.

When you came out of the bathroom a couple of girls gave you a glass of vodka perhaps, a glass that you accepted.

You took a sip before walking into the living room, back to Spencer. But he met you halfway and snatched the glass from your hand. "You said you weren't going to drink tonight." He spoke in an unusually serious tone.

"I'm sorry, but the girls just showed up." He continued to look at you with that horrible seriousness. "I only took a sip, if you want I can throw it." Your attempt to please him didn't work.

"Whatever, that doesn't matter now." He set the glass down somewhere. "We need to talk." He ordered, the boy who always asked you if you wanted to do something or not.

Your hands immediately turned cold. Maybe he had already decided that you weren't enough for him. "Yes, yes. Here or-?"

"Outside." He took your hand and led you outside before you could say anything.

"Kelly told me something... interesting." He kept his ice mask on or he probably would collapse there.

"Kelly always tells gossips, she loves gossip." You laughed at the quality of your 'friend' who was one minute away from ruining your life.

Spencer didn't laugh, he remained serious. "Kelly said you kissed Ryan today and that you slept with him." You immediately frowned upon hearing something as absurd as that.

Then some popular guys walked past you and Spencer, unfortunately you heard what they were whispering.

"What's someone like her doing with a nerd like him?"

"She's going to end up being a loser like him." Well at least he already has a PhD and is close to have another one.

Well, you'd heard worse things about him and yourself actually.

"Is that true?" He ask, obviously trying to find out the truth and recapture your attention that was lost with those boys.

"Can we talk about this somewhere else?" You insisted when you felt those looks judging you, mocking you, burning you...

"Why? Are you ashamed of me?" He crossed his arms and looked at you sternly.

"What?!" You immediately scolded yourself as you earned glances from a few guys.

"I'm sick of pretending I don't notice that you've been avoiding physical contact when we're with your friends lately, among other things that make it seem like you're embarrassed to dating with me." Between his words and the stares on your face you felt breathing getting harder with every second.

"Spencer, can we really talk somewhere else?" You asked as your eyes darted around, feeling the stares judging you.

"No, let's talk here and now." He replied firmly.

Everything was starting to spin and your breathing was getting harder and harder. Then, like a miracle with some price, your phone rang.

"It's my dad, I have to answer." You told to Spencer, still in a daze before moving away from him so you could answer.

He let out a frustrated sigh but let you go, not knowing you weren't coming back.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

"But it's too late now." He said quickly in the moment he seemed you were to say something.

Your eyes closed for a moment. Defeat was something you didn't want to get out of this meeting. "I'm really sorry Spencer, I've had a really bad fourteen years just tearing myself apart over a mistake I made when I was young and didn't know anything, I was only seventeen..."

He looked at you without compassion. "Very bad years?" He let out a humorless laugh. "You were engaged during those years while I had nothing." He emphasized his words. "I was the same age, so your only justification will be that nonsense?"

"Yes, I was engaged but that's over." You replied firmly. "However, I'm sorry and there's nothing I can do to make up for it because for you nothing will ever be enough!" You raised your voice again, not remembering that both had an audience, it was a surprise that they didn't kick you out of the restaurant. "Besides, that happened fourteen fucking years ago, get over it!"

"Get over it? Get over it is what I've been trying for more than a decade and just when I'm overtaking you, living in my present and finding a good girl you come back to my life like a damn storm to truncate everything I built." He also raised his voice, letting everything come out of his system. "Sometimes I wish I had never met you."

His words went to pulverize every one of your bones. "I'm really sorry..." Your voice was barely a whisper.

"If you're so sorry then just leave me alone for good." He demanded, his tone lowered this time but just as painful.

"If that's what you want..." You replied quietly, you would have liked to be the first to leave but it seemed like your body was still clinging to something that was never going to be.

Spencer paid the bill before leaving you with your words stuck in your throat.

Reid walked alone down the street, the cold brushing his skin and then he looked at the broken cobblestones on the ground...

Would there ever be anything in the world that didn't remind him of you?

What if there was a woman (other than you) that he could love?

Maeve was the answer.

Or so he wanted to believe, because he knew very well that saying he loved Maeve was too soon to be real.

He thought he did, he really did. But then the memories of you coming back to haunt him and he realized that saying he loved any woman wasn't you would be blasphemous.

Spencer could never, ever loved someone the way he loved you. The way he maybe still love you...

And that brings us to the last question.

What if he still love you or you still love him?

Maybe he should make a call...

[dronningreid]

I was your favorite

When Sunday comes around Reid realizes he's not feeling as happy as he should, so he hangs up his weekly call with Maeve and dives into the bittersweet journey of memories he shares with reader.

change the ending series masterlist

who? Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

category: angst/fluff

warnings/content: Maeve's cameo, alcohol and cigarette use, social acceptance, many references to cardigan and Spencer and Reader are 17 and 31 years old in this part. English is not my first language.

word count: 2.4K

a/n: Writing this was like poor Spencer, he is going crazy between wanting to hate and miss reader. So this part is also like wow teen drama and maybe I think that in this series I'm touching on very strong themes in adolescence.

Sunday.

This was supposed to be his favorite day of the week, at least it was for the past few months. But now only his body was in the present, while his mind traveled to painful corners of the past.

The clock kept ticking, that's how it works, that's how it should be.

The case had been solved but he was not on the ship. It was enough to say once that he was not much help that time but his mind kept repeating it to himself.

It's not that he could do anything since time had passed, that's how the past works.

Even after telling Blake his story it only made the burden heavier. Although to be honest he hadn't told EVERYTHING. Well there were a couple of things he wanted to keep to himself, just for him and for you.

Morgan appeared in the doorway. "Guys, Penelope discovered something."

"We'll be there in a second." Blake replied.

Blake stared at him for a few seconds, absorbing his words. "That was..." She sighed. "If you want, you can take a few minutes, they'll understand."

The weight of the past weighed on every one of his bones, so he just nodded.

"Before I go." Blake placed a folder on the table. "JJ asked Garcia to make this for you. It's all she's done since you've been out of her life." The moment he put his attention on the folder, a pang managed to transform the wall of his heart and penetrate deep inside, injecting pain. Although of course that was not the intention.

"You can read it or throw it away, it's your decision. Just as it's your decision to call her or not." That's when she put your business card on the table, the same card you gave to JJ.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

He was only present in the days that passed, without living them as such.

Reid didn't think that not making a decision would affect his work or even his sleep. Well, now the days were longer, while he drowned in the torment of whether to read that folder or not, whether to call you or not. Why did it have to be so complicated?

"Spencer are you there?" The sweet voice he had been waiting to hear for a week wasn't having the effect he hoped, but at least it brought him back to reality.

"Yes, I'm still here." But it wasn't like that, not entirely.

Some boys were across the street, drinking and smoking under a streetlight.

They were just boys that he would probably never see again in his life, but the ghost that had haunted him since he was 17 materialized with more force, reviving memories that he tried to bury deep in his mind.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a moment, trying to focus his mind on what Maeve was saying, on the present and not on a past that had already closed its doors.

Then the smell of smoke filled his nostrils.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

"Aren't you too young to smoke?" He questioned you.

You immediately put out your cigarette, like a child who had just been scolded. "My parents give me permission, and it's only once in a while." you justified yourself.

"Yes, but the smell of smoke tends to linger."

And it did, persist for a long time...

He knew well that smells tend to awaken memories but it was not that that smell was very characteristic of you. In fact, while you were together, you tried not to smoke in front of him, you knew how much he hated it.

And every time you took out a cigarette, he'd say, "That's six minutes less than I get to spend with you." It didn't work with his mom, but at least did with you.

"Spencer, are you sure everything's okay?" Maeve's voice on the other end of the phone was what brought him back to the present.

He was about to answer when a couple of teenagers walked past him. Holding hands, something so common and simple that it made his palm tingle. He used to hold your hand like that...

"Yes, everything is fine, except I have something very important to do and I forgot." The words came out of his mouth so fast it was a miracle Maeve understood even a syllable. "Can I call you later?"

"Yeah, sure. Good luck with whatever you have to do." She was very understanding, not having any idea what was coming and Spencer really didn't know the consequences that would bring either.

"Thanks." He muttered before hanging up, returning the phone to the booth.

Spencer took a deep breath as he walked, maybe knowing everything that had happened in your life wasn't a good idea. But he thought that maybe that would be the full stop of the story once and for all, although in reality it looked more like a period, it's easy to confuse the two.

Reid spent a minute walking before realizing that his building was actually in the other direction.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

Cambridge, Massachusetts. April 11, 1999.

Spencer was walking along broken cobblestones with his hands stuffed into the pockets of his jacket and the tip of his nose red from the night cold.

Miraculously, some guys invited him to a party, but he didn't know anyone there very well so the party quickly became boring. In his opinion, it was better to use the time to read some book instead of drinking alcohol at a stupid party with the older boys.

You on the other hand were dancing in your Levi's, drunk under a streetlight. That sight was of course something hard to ignore and even more so when your figure seemed so familiar to him.

That was the third time he met you, but the first time he really knew you, or at least that's what he thought.

He looked both ways before crossing to where you were standing. "Hey." He murmured under his breath but you were still so wrapped up in your own thing, so he spoke again but this time in a louder tone and he said your name.

You stopped but were forced to place a hand on the streetlight post as the ground beneath your feet shifted. “How do you know my name, pretty boy?” You narrowed your eyes.

His cheeks quickly turned pink. "Don't you remember me?" He knew it was absurd that something like that would hurt him, but...

You examined it carefully but eventually shook your head multiple times, causing your dizziness to increase.

Spencer quickly placed a hand on your back, supporting you. "Is there someone to take you home?"

"I have a home?" Your words were slurred by the alcohol.

"I'd like to believe that." He muttered.

You searched through your jacket pockets but only found your car keys.

He looked at the keys in your palm. "You're not in any condition to drive, do you want me to take you home?"

"Awww you're so sweet." You rested your hand on his cheek and his body reacted with a spasm that made you laugh. "Relax, I don't bite."

You didn't even know how you got to your car. He was driving while you sat in the passenger seat watching the scenery pass by momentarily.

"Aren't you too young to know how to drive?" A yawn accompanied your question.

He looked at you for a brief second. "I'm seventeen."

You frowned. "I thought you were a very tall fourteen boy."

He frowned too. "And aren't you too young to be drinking like that?"

"It's the first time and I wanted to know what it felt like." You answered with an honesty you couldn't control.

"And then?" That almost sounded like a scolding.

"It doesn't feel good to be dizzy." You leaned your head back against the seat.

His hands were on the wheel "Why were you alone?"

You snorted. “You ask a lot of questions.” But you were still going to answer him. “My friend Kelly was with me, looking after me but then some hot guy came and she ran off with him leaving me alone. You know, teenagers." You sighed. "I hate teenagers."

He frowned again, but tried to focus on the road in front of him. "You're a teenager."

"That's why." You muttered.

Then your house came into view. "Hey, I live here." You smiled. "How did you know? Do you read minds?" You immediately put a hand on your forehead.

A small smile formed on his lips as he parked the car. "Well my name isn't Charles Xavier." His smile grew bigger and so beautiful. "I got your address off your driver license."

"Oh..." You were perhaps a little disappointed and at the same time grateful that he couldn't read your mind. "Well, see you later Spencer." Then you opened the door.

"Wait, I never told you my name." Now who is the one can read minds?

"I never forget a face." You winked at him.

"Wait, wait. And where do I leave your car?"

"Take it home and I'll have an excuse to see you here tomorrow." He was about to protest but you were quicker as you stumbled into your house.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

There are multiple key moments in a love story, especially one that ends in tragedy.

The first is when they first meet. Although in Spencer's opinion, those three times were equally important.

The second is the first kiss...

Finally Reid arrived at his apartment, then he looked for the light switch and when he saw the couch another memory flooded his mind.

You had made it clear to him multiple times that you were not friends, and he found it painful until he understood that you were clearly looking for something more.

But he didn't understand until both were at your house on the couch just watching movies, until at some point your lips were on his...

His heart was pounding inside his chest as his lips were in sync with yours in a slow, steady rhythm.

Your skin felt so soft, he had never felt anything as majestic as kissing you, then inevitably a sigh escaped from him.

You laughed softly against his lips before pulling away and resting your forehead against his. He laughed too, only nervously.

"If I asked you something, would you say yes?" He murmured, still breathless from the kiss.

Your lips parted and your eyes widened. "Is that what I think it is?" There was no need to give more information, although he wasn't exactly a telepath he always had the ability to read you. Honestly he still had that.

"Maybe-" You didn't even let him finish, as you lunged at his lips, this time kissing him with more emotion.

He closed his eyes and his hands went to your hair. It felt too good to be true, maybe it never was.

"You still haven't given me an answer." He murmured between kisses.

"You know the answer."

The movement of his lips intensified in an attempt to verify that this was real.

In his eyes you were the most beautiful girl in the whole world, you probably have better suitors than him, an old cardigan under someone's bed. And yet you chose him because he was your favorite.

Soon the memory of something that used to be beautiful withered away under the weight of your mistakes.

But, what could he expect from someone with whom he seemed to be playing hide and seek, someone who only gave him her weekends?

He should have known from that moment...

∗⋅✧⋅∗

Spencer had only agreed to go to that stupid party because you had given him those puppy dog eyes, plus he was a good boyfriend and you promised to watch a documentary with him, although both knew you would fall asleep halfway through.

Both were sitting on a couch, he had his hand around your waist while your head was resting on his shoulder.

He still couldn't believe that all of this was real, no matter how many times he pinched himself.

When both had entered to the party you seemed to know everyone and yet you were there with him, on the couch just chatting. Out of all the people at the party it seemed like you only wanted be with him.

Suddenly you took his hand and started playing with his fingers, he smiled at the slightest gesture.

But of course happiness can never last forever.

"Hey babe, want a beer?" At the question you looked away from Spencer and looked at Ryan.

"No thanks, I'm fine like this." You replied politely before turning your attention back to your pretty boyfriend.

"Come on babe, you've never let me down." The words, the words had an unpleasant weight on you.

You stared at a fixed point on the floor for a few seconds, your smile had completely disappeared and of course the first one to notice it was Spencer. "She already said-" You interrupted him.

You forced a smile. “Give me that.” And took the beer from Ryan’s hand.

"That's my girl!" Ryan ruffled your hair. "That's why you're my favorite friend." He winked at you before walking away.

You took a sip of your beer before leaving it abandoned on the table beside you. You then turned your attention to Reid, who was looking at you with a frown. "Why didn't you keep your answer?"

"Oh come on, it's not that big of a deal. Besides, I don't like disappointing the boys, they're my friends." Yeah, well a friend to all is a friend to none.

Maybe that night had more influence on the decline of his relationship than he expected.

But there really were times when everything seemed so perfect. As if all both needed was to kiss in cars and downtown bars.

∗⋅✧⋅∗

Finally, in the cruel present, Reid collapsed onto the couch. He dropped his briefcase to the floor and ran his hands over his face.

Then as in a cruel act of gravity, the folder with your name on it came out of his briefcase and as if that weren't enough, your business card came out too.

Maybe it was the whiskey he hadn't drunk or his need to close this chapter in his life that had been open for almost 20 years that prompted him to take the card from the floor.

Before he knew it, he was already dialing your number on his phone.

"Hi?" At that moment his body froze as his heart skipped a beat and a very tight lump formed in his throat.

He knew this was a possibility, although he could have also listened to the voicemail but although hearing your voice after days of sweet torment was definitely a fact that didn't mean he was ready for it.

[dronningreid]

HOW (NOT) CATCH A FIREFLY

↪In which reader has to face the consequences of her past decisions when she goes to Spencer's wedding. Will it be too late to redeem the past?

who? Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader inspired by: The manuscript by Taylor Swift (A little bit, literally just in one sentence) category: angst (really, ANGST) warnings: Discussions, special appearance sassy Reid (did I mention I love him?) and I think that's it. English isn't my first language. word count: 3.5K a/n: I was finally able to write so I'm happy again thanks to Spencer Reid (the love of my life). This is actually something that made me cry so I'm sorry? But in my defense I do vent when I write (Although maybe this time I went a little too far) Anyway, I hope you like it and sorry for disappearing.

Something that will hurt longer than it lasted. What do you call something like that? When it was going on you never called it what it was and Spencer was the one who paid the terrible consequences.

The cold freezes your fingertips, how is that possible if it's a sunny day? Seemingly a perfect day, but not for you.

“I didn’t think you’d come.” Spencer’s sweet voice made you turn around, only this time it didn’t sound sweet at all.

You stopped to appreciate his suit, for the work you almost always saw him wear those suits that made him even more attractive than he already was. But what was different this time was the boutonnière on the left lapel of his jacket. “Well, you invited me.” you replied with an awkward smile.

His brow furrowed. “Not me, Max was the one who invited you.” He corrected you roughly, not like all those times he gently explained the difference of some things which you couldn’t remember right now but the knowledge was there, being overshadowed by the memories.

Your lips formed a straight line, how to respond that? “Yes, she was very nice to invite me.”

Reid’s face softened, just a little. “Yeah, well everyone in the BAU had an invitation except you so she decided to give you the chance I took from you.” Just like you had taken away a chance from him years ago, but he didn’t say that even though he wanted to. “Seriously, I didn’t think you’d come.”

And he was right, you weren't going to go but now you're there. You hadn't thought of it that way, but maybe it was a way to punish yourself for making him lose almost eight years of his life or maybe it was a way to seek redemption…

Of course attending his wedding was a punishment, but not just for you.

“But I’m here, hoping that you’ll be very happy with Max.” You whispered, wondering why honest words made your heart bleed. “And I’m so sorry for the pain I once caused you.” When you say more your chest feels heavier. The truth was supposed to set you free, not oppress you.

Spencer sighed, trying to keep that icy expression but the apologies he always expected had an effect on him. “It’s okay.” No, it wasn’t. “You’re like a firefly, once they’re captured they don’t glow anymore. I just never wanted you to feel trapped, much less by me.” His throat threatened to close up so he cleared it. “And as for the rest, Max already makes me very happy. I hope that someday you find someone who does the same for you.” A hint of sadness crept into his forced smile.

You had already found him, but you crushed his heart which caused him to give the ring to someone else.

The quartet began to play their violins, that was the signal that the bride was approaching the altar. Everyone took their places, fortunately yours was next to Penelope, unfortunately in the first rows.

Max was holding her father's arm, whom you only saw once after you and the team saved him and Max's little sister from a kidnapped. A long and not very pleasant story, which luckily (or maybe not) ended well for the two of them Max and Spencer. A sentence written in cursive on the invitations indicated that today was the first day of a forever..

Maybe the word “forever” was that it took your breath away and oppressed you to the point of wanting to run away. Yes, maybe that simple word was responsible for your miserable life caused by the fear of belonging to someone thanks to the signature on a paper.

Everyone watched as Max walked down the aisle, accompanied by the beautiful melody coming from the violins. They could see how her beautiful white dress dragged a little on the perfect grass and they could also see that the outfit made her look so beautiful, of course she must look fantastic on her day.

But you weren't with the flock, as Max moved closer to a life with Spencer, you could only watch him and no one else. You could see the goofy smile that once was for you and you could also see how he was close to shedding tears, just seeing his fiancée in a dress she would surely wear once in her life apparently had that effect on him.

And you knew very well that you had no right to make claims, you had the opportunity to be that woman, his woman, but you preferred to run away. Even so, that didn't stop one conclusion from breaking you down: He never looked at you that way and now he never would.

You had taken it upon yourself to burn everything that had to do with Spencer and now you were sitting there with one word stuck in your throat. The only thing left to say before it was too late.

Your throat closed up and the air seemed to be a private service you hadn't paid for. You took a deep breath before looking anywhere other than the scene that was about to unfold under the flowered arch. But that only made your melancholic-natured brain hit you with a memory. Something you couldn't quite burn off.

That's what brings you back to a place. Of course Rossi had to offer his mansion to Max and Spencer for their wedding. But there had been a wedding there before Will and JJ's.

The ceremony was about to begin, so Spencer came back to your side. “I hope you don’t pull a ring out of my ear like you just did to Henry.” You said.

He let out a soft laugh and shook his head. “I won’t.” He placed a kiss on your cheek. “Though I must admit, it is an interesting idea for a proposal.”

Maybe that would have been the perfect time to tell him that marriage wasn't something you were interested in, but it was JJ's day so you didn't say anything. Although your mistake in that moment was smiling and intertwining your fingers with his, as if you were willing to wear a diamond on your ring finger.

Four years, four years ago your and Spencer's story had come to an end and yet it felt like it was just yesterday when he crossed through the door of your apartment, taking with him things you didn't think you'd miss until you heard him say. "I do.”

Nothing, nothing would be enough to compare or describe the pain you felt at that moment. It was like someone invaded your chest, ripped your heart out in one go and left you with a void that would sprout cobwebs because no one would be enough to fill that hollow space on you.

When Spencer went to prison it was one of the hardest times both had to deal as a couple and as individuals. But it was something both managed to deal with together and maybe that's what gave him the wrong message.

Of course, how not to misinterpret the nights you hugged him after every nightmare, how not to misinterpret the millions of letters and finally how not to misinterpret the constant visits that made you a little negligent at work, which would have justified your dismissal if Emily were a different chief.

Maybe if you hadn't been there that day…

You were filling your coffee cup when Penelope showed up, waiting for you to put down the coffee pot so she could fill her cute octopus cup which is currently Spencer's and is named Mildred.

“Why are you so quiet?” You asked before putting the coffee pot back.

“Me? Quiet?” Despite her efforts, there was that telltale tone in her voice.

“Yeah, you. You didn’t give me any of those typical Penelope Garcia witty greetings.” A mocking smile formed on your lips.

“I’m completely fine, I just don’t have any witty greetings today.” She excused herself without looking at you and dedicated to filling her cup.

“Mhm, yes, of course.” You looked at her under the light of the five hundred and sixty hours of your profiling course. “You have a secret. That is the reason for your silence, you are afraid that if you speak you might say something that I should not know.”

You were amused that she was still able to look at you in surprise knowing full well that she was working with more profilers than her sanity could handle. “I’ll just say that you should get a manicure.” She looked straight at your nails before gracefully turning around and heading back to her cave.

Maybe that must have made you laugh a little, but you didn't need to be a great profiler to understand what the hell she was talking about.

A week.

That's how long it had been since Penelope gave you a big little spoiler of what your future would be like if you didn't do something about it, so you decided to do the worst thing you could think of and you were avoiding Spencer at all costs. And even though you two were technically still together, your apartment felt empty without his light.

The cobblestones were slippery from the rain and your fingers were frozen. Before pushing open the door of the building you blew into your hands, hoping that your breath would bring the warmth you needed.

Finally the elevator dropped you off at your floor and you only had to walk a little to get to the door of your apartment but…

“We need to talk.” His tone retained that sweetness that was only meant for you, but the weight of the situation was evident in the hint of seriousness that carried in his voice.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” You brushed it off as you approached to greet him with a short kiss.

He kissed you back, because well he couldn’t help it. “There isn’t? I say we definitely need to talk.” He said as you opened the door to your apartment. “It’s not normal for you to avoid me, much less for this long.”

You left the door open for him. “I’ve just been busy.” You replied.

He closed the door behind him. “I know, we have the same job.” He sighed before walking over to you and placing his hands on your shoulders. “Please can you tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart.” Spencer had that pleading look in his bright, tortured eyes.

“Nothing’s wrong with me.” Your walls rose so high that even you felt upset with yourself.

“Then why are you avoiding me?” Spencer tried hard to keep his tone calm even though he was starting to get frustrated and irritated.

Your pulse was racing, you could feel your ears throbbing, and uncertainty added to the equation so the words came out like bullets. “Because I don’t want to marry you!”

Spencer stood still in place, not even blinking. “…Just with me?” His weak words were a huge contrast to yours which sounded like thunder, the kind of thunder that sets things on fire.

“With no one, I don’t want to marry you or anyone else.” You quickly clarified with a brusqueness that didn’t help improve the tension. “Why ruin everything when our relationship is perfect as it is?”

He shook his head. “No, it’s not.” Spencer took a step back and let out an exasperated sigh. “In all these years of dating, why haven’t you ever said anything?” He ran a hand through his hair, trying to remember if he’d misunderstood everything. “I don’t get it. I made advances and you seemed okay with it.”

“Well, you never asked me directly.” You excused yourself.

“You know very well that I always wanted a family.” He reminded you in a firm tone. “When I got out of prison you were always there and I thought you would still be there…” He couldn’t control the pain that materialized in his eyes.

“I’ll be here, not the way you want but I’ll be here.” You tried to keep away the desperation in your words from being evident.

"If you weren't planning on marrying me, why waste all these years of my life? It's too late for me now." You hoped your words hadn't hurt him like his words hurt you right now, because if that was the case then you had hurt him deeply.

“Too late for what?” You asked with annoyance, although fearing the answer.

“To find someone who is ready.” Spencer blurted out as if it were nothing, as if he hadn’t just dropped a bomb on the most fragile building.

Of course, just because you weren't ready didn't mean someone else wasn't.

You nodded, a grimace appearing on your face. “Well, you’re not the only one wasting time on this relationship. I’m glad to tell you it’s over.” A new ounce of cruelty was added with each word.

It's funny how it would never have occurred to you to hurt Spencer in any way, but at that moment you just wanted to make him feel more miserable than you. Which wasn't hard to achieve, but it would be hard to forgive.

His face lost its anger and turned into a sad disbelief. “What? No, I don’t want to break up.” He shook his head multiple times. “Please no, I’m so sorry about what I said, I don’t have an excuse and I understand that you’re upset but…” You didn’t let him finish.

“I said it’s over.” You spoke firmly, emphasizing each word.

Spencer murmured your name in a pleading tone. “Please don’t do this, I love you.” It was the first time that phrase was used as a desperate attempt to not lose you instead of being a way to express how he felt about you.

That almost softened your heart, but unfortunately for him, one of your worst qualities was resentment. And yet, despite all that, he loved you.

You didn't even give him an answer, much less look at him. Both knew that someone had to give in to save whatever was left of your relationship, but you were too proud and he wasn't willing to continue humiliating himself. So he ended up leaving. Maybe if you had said something…

The days after the breakup were tough, especially since both work together and neither was willing to give up their jobs. Although after Penelope left, Matt and Spencer were assigned to special missions and you didn't see him very often anymore. Still, you could recognize the strength of both for putting up with a couple of years working together. Although you and him receive the occasional scolding from Emily for arguing in the middle of a case.

In the meantime, it was already dark and the sun had gone along with your ability to feel happy for two people who definitely deserved it. You knew, you knew it was the right thing to do and yet it still didn't feel that way.

Unfortunately, the melancholy of the night was accompanied by a revelation or maybe it was just the longing for what if...? If what if were a reality, you would have been married to Spencer for years, you would possibly already have his childrens, and perhaps everything would be perfect, or perhaps not, it was something you would never know.

They say it's never too late but this time it was. Now Max had the chance to take the Reid name even though she preferred to keep her maiden name. You wondered what you would do in her place, probably the same but you didn't have the chance to make that choice. You took that chance away from yourself.

There were at least five couples on the dance floor, including Max, who was dancing with her dad.

You frowned at not finding Spencer, but then it seemed like your longing summoned him because you heard his voice. That unrecognizable voice that you could never forget, which would be the protagonist of your dreams and torments.

“I have to admit, you impress me.” He sounded much more relaxed now, of course, his wife had that effect on him. You knew that when Max stayed by his side after Cat Adams.

“Why?” You knew the answer, but you wanted it to come out of his lips.

“If it was your wedding I wouldn’t have even shown up.” The ease with which he admitted the truth caught you off guard. “I guess you’re stronger than me, you always were.” No, that’s not true.

“Strong people don’t run away.” You had the opportunity that very few people have, correct Spencer Reid.

“I guess you’re the exception.” Then he extended a hand in your direction. “Dance with me.”

You stared at his palm for seconds disguised as minutes. “You hate dancing.” You muttered.

“Yes, but I know I would hate myself more if I didn’t end this in a proper way.” There it was, the Spencer you knew. Now someone else’s Spencer.

So you took his hand and he led you to the dance floor. Once he put his hand on your waist and you put your hand on his shoulder the rest of the people disappeared for you and secretly for him too.

Both swayed in silence to the slow ballad. Inevitably your eyes fell on the ring that wrapped around his finger perfectly, regret maybe prompting you to speak. “Would you have waited for me to be ready?” You whispered.

“Would you ever have been ready?” Reid murmured, this time not meaning to hurt you but he did it anyway.

You squeezed his hand a little. “I’m ready now.” Your words were low, but without hesitation, not this time. Who needed alcohol to make a strong statement?

Spencer sighed and pulled you closer to him, placing his hand on your back. “You’re being cruel right now.” He spoke in a low tone, but firm and calm at the same time.

“Please.” You pleaded. “I just need an answer.”

He swallowed. “Yes, I would’ve waited for you.” He whispered in your ear.

The party continues, with dancing, drinks and several kisses that you were not the protagonist of but bitterly had to witness.

You couldn't take it anymore, so you grabbed your coat and bag before heading for the exit. Since you had a reputation for being a runaway, you didn't bother to say goodbye to your friends, much less the happy newlyweds.

“Wait.” Whatever you want.

You stood still in your spot, waiting for him to come to you. “You can’t leave without your slice of cake.” Spencer handed you the plate and gave one of those smiles that hadn’t been directed at you in years.

There were a thousand things you wanted to say to him. But only one thing made it past your lips. “Thank you.”

He nodded. “Wait, I have something else for you.” Then he pulled something out of his trousers pocket.

That couldn’t be what your eyes were seeing, so you closed them and blinked multiple times. But he was still holding that beautiful engagement ring. “This was always for you, even if it doesn’t have the meaning I once wanted it to have now.”

Used to mean something, but now it means nothing.

You didn't take the ring, you just watched Reid in silence. He had chosen perfectly well…

At your silence he spoke again. “I heard some men recycle them. You know they buy an engagement ring for one woman and if they get rejected they save it for the next one. I couldn’t do that to Max, or you either.” He took your hand, extending your palm and placing the ring on it.

“No, I can’t accept that and I don’t think Max would be okay with this…” Your eyes remained fixed on the piece of silver and diamonds.

“It doesn’t mean anything now.” Ouch. “It did before and if it were still like this she would definitely be upset and me too.” Spencer clarified. “But now I want this to mark the end of what was supposed to be a beginning.” He paused. “I won’t force you to accept it, but I know the man who loved you would’ve wanted you to have it.”

You closed your palm around the ring. “Don’t talk like he doesn’t exist anymore, Spencer. You’re still the same, you just don’t love me anymore and that’s okay, that has nothing to do with who you are.” The word love ripped through your throat.

“It had everything to do with what I was.” He confessed.

The silence reigned long enough for both to turn around, walking further and further away and returning to the place where they now belonged.

With every step you took you wished that he would catch you and never let you go, not this time. But it was too late to do anything, trying anything now would be fighting a battle you know is lost.

And finally, the only thing left was a story. One last souvenir from a journey as special as it was devastating. Your name will always be present in the stories Spencer will tell his children, the same stories that will be within your reach, but the story isn’t yours anymore.

[dronningreid]

Masterlist.

I usually post on Mondays| This will be updated continuously| All about Spencer Reid.

angst, fluff or flangst:

✧ Between letters {flangst}

✧ Between the bitter reality and a sweet ending (second part of Between letters) {flangst}

✧ How (not) catch a firefly {angst}

suggestive intimacy +18:

✧ 6 AM (It is also flangst) Single part.

series masterlist:

✧ Change the ending {angst} in progress.

[dronningreid]

are your requests open?

Uhm, well I've never thought about it. But I think if there is something I like I will definitely write it, yeah.

Everyone feel free to send in a request (just Spencer Reid for now). And don't take this the wrong way, but if it's something I'm not comfortable with or interested in, I won't do it.

[dronningreid]

Welcome to the secret gardens in my mind!

No kind of hate will be tolerated, this is a space of freedom and a safe place.

✧ Masterlist

✧ This post defines me

✧ Requests (open)

✧ Six things about me (next here)

✧ My tags (next here)

Six things about me:

My name is Paula, but I prefer to be called Pau or by my pseudonym: Larfet.

I was born in Mexico so my first language is not English.

My favorite director, actor and writer is obviously Matthew Gray Gubler.

My favorite show is Criminal Minds (pretty obvious too). But Criminal Minds is an exception, because I prefer sitcoms over crime shows.

I love writing! That's the only thing that if they take it away from me, I'll die. But I also like sculpture, painting and drawing (that since I was five years old)

I believe a lot in zodiac signs. So I'll tell you that I have sun in Pisces (Like Matthew. I WIN!)

🏷️

#larfetfanfic

#larfetramblings

[dronningreid]

besides spencer reid, is there another fictional character that you like or a character that you would write fanfics?

sorry if i ask too much.

Actually I love questions so thanks for asking <3

Well, currently I only like three fictional characters.

✧ Spencer Reid (He has been my favorite for two years in a row)

✧ Stefan Salvatore (The Vampire Diaries)

✧ Jim Halpert (The Office)

I love them so much, but Spencer Reid is something else. Besides I think he's the one I know better (maybe because I've already seen Criminal Minds three times and counting), so maybe that's one of the reasons I only write fanfics about him and I don't plan writing about anyone else (yet).

[dronningreid]

God, I'm SO SORRY. I promise I'll write something fluffy soon to make up for this.

HOW (NOT) CATCH A FIREFLY

↪In which reader has to face the consequences of her past decisions when she goes to Spencer's wedding. Will it be too late to redeem the past?

who? Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader inspired by: The manuscript by Taylor Swift (A little bit, literally just in one sentence) category: angst (really, ANGST) warnings: Discussions, special appearance sassy Reid (did I mention I love him?) and I think that's it. English isn't my first language. word count: 3.5K a/n: I was finally able to write so I'm happy again thanks to Spencer Reid (the love of my life). This is actually something that made me cry so I'm sorry? But in my defense I do vent when I write (Although maybe this time I went a little too far) Anyway, I hope you like it and sorry for disappearing.

Something that will hurt longer than it lasted. What do you call something like that? When it was going on you never called it what it was and Spencer was the one who paid the terrible consequences.

The cold freezes your fingertips, how is that possible if it's a sunny day? Seemingly a perfect day, but not for you.

“I didn’t think you’d come.” Spencer’s sweet voice made you turn around, only this time it didn’t sound sweet at all.

You stopped to appreciate his suit, for the work you almost always saw him wear those suits that made him even more attractive than he already was. But what was different this time was the boutonnière on the left lapel of his jacket. “Well, you invited me.” you replied with an awkward smile.

His brow furrowed. “Not me, Max was the one who invited you.” He corrected you roughly, not like all those times he gently explained the difference of some things which you couldn’t remember right now but the knowledge was there, being overshadowed by the memories.

Your lips formed a straight line, how to respond that? “Yes, she was very nice to invite me.”

Reid’s face softened, just a little. “Yeah, well everyone in the BAU had an invitation except you so she decided to give you the chance I took from you.” Just like you had taken away a chance from him years ago, but he didn’t say that even though he wanted to. “Seriously, I didn’t think you’d come.”

And he was right, you weren't going to go but now you're there. You hadn't thought of it that way, but maybe it was a way to punish yourself for making him lose almost eight years of his life or maybe it was a way to seek redemption…

Of course attending his wedding was a punishment, but not just for you.

“But I’m here, hoping that you’ll be very happy with Max.” You whispered, wondering why honest words made your heart bleed. “And I’m so sorry for the pain I once caused you.” When you say more your chest feels heavier. The truth was supposed to set you free, not oppress you.

Spencer sighed, trying to keep that icy expression but the apologies he always expected had an effect on him. “It’s okay.” No, it wasn’t. “You’re like a firefly, once they’re captured they don’t glow anymore. I just never wanted you to feel trapped, much less by me.” His throat threatened to close up so he cleared it. “And as for the rest, Max already makes me very happy. I hope that someday you find someone who does the same for you.” A hint of sadness crept into his forced smile.

You had already found him, but you crushed his heart which caused him to give the ring to someone else.

The quartet began to play their violins, that was the signal that the bride was approaching the altar. Everyone took their places, fortunately yours was next to Penelope, unfortunately in the first rows.

Max was holding her father's arm, whom you only saw once after you and the team saved him and Max's little sister from a kidnapped. A long and not very pleasant story, which luckily (or maybe not) ended well for the two of them Max and Spencer. A sentence written in cursive on the invitations indicated that today was the first day of a forever..

Maybe the word “forever” was that it took your breath away and oppressed you to the point of wanting to run away. Yes, maybe that simple word was responsible for your miserable life caused by the fear of belonging to someone thanks to the signature on a paper.

Everyone watched as Max walked down the aisle, accompanied by the beautiful melody coming from the violins. They could see how her beautiful white dress dragged a little on the perfect grass and they could also see that the outfit made her look so beautiful, of course she must look fantastic on her day.

But you weren't with the flock, as Max moved closer to a life with Spencer, you could only watch him and no one else. You could see the goofy smile that once was for you and you could also see how he was close to shedding tears, just seeing his fiancée in a dress she would surely wear once in her life apparently had that effect on him.

And you knew very well that you had no right to make claims, you had the opportunity to be that woman, his woman, but you preferred to run away. Even so, that didn't stop one conclusion from breaking you down: He never looked at you that way and now he never would.

You had taken it upon yourself to burn everything that had to do with Spencer and now you were sitting there with one word stuck in your throat. The only thing left to say before it was too late.

Your throat closed up and the air seemed to be a private service you hadn't paid for. You took a deep breath before looking anywhere other than the scene that was about to unfold under the flowered arch. But that only made your melancholic-natured brain hit you with a memory. Something you couldn't quite burn off.

That's what brings you back to a place. Of course Rossi had to offer his mansion to Max and Spencer for their wedding. But there had been a wedding there before Will and JJ's.

The ceremony was about to begin, so Spencer came back to your side. “I hope you don’t pull a ring out of my ear like you just did to Henry.” You said.

He let out a soft laugh and shook his head. “I won’t.” He placed a kiss on your cheek. “Though I must admit, it is an interesting idea for a proposal.”

Maybe that would have been the perfect time to tell him that marriage wasn't something you were interested in, but it was JJ's day so you didn't say anything. Although your mistake in that moment was smiling and intertwining your fingers with his, as if you were willing to wear a diamond on your ring finger.

Four years, four years ago your and Spencer's story had come to an end and yet it felt like it was just yesterday when he crossed through the door of your apartment, taking with him things you didn't think you'd miss until you heard him say. "I do.”

Nothing, nothing would be enough to compare or describe the pain you felt at that moment. It was like someone invaded your chest, ripped your heart out in one go and left you with a void that would sprout cobwebs because no one would be enough to fill that hollow space on you.

When Spencer went to prison it was one of the hardest times both had to deal as a couple and as individuals. But it was something both managed to deal with together and maybe that's what gave him the wrong message.

Of course, how not to misinterpret the nights you hugged him after every nightmare, how not to misinterpret the millions of letters and finally how not to misinterpret the constant visits that made you a little negligent at work, which would have justified your dismissal if Emily were a different chief.

Maybe if you hadn't been there that day…

You were filling your coffee cup when Penelope showed up, waiting for you to put down the coffee pot so she could fill her cute octopus cup which is currently Spencer's and is named Mildred.

“Why are you so quiet?” You asked before putting the coffee pot back.

“Me? Quiet?” Despite her efforts, there was that telltale tone in her voice.

“Yeah, you. You didn’t give me any of those typical Penelope Garcia witty greetings.” A mocking smile formed on your lips.

“I’m completely fine, I just don’t have any witty greetings today.” She excused herself without looking at you and dedicated to filling her cup.

“Mhm, yes, of course.” You looked at her under the light of the five hundred and sixty hours of your profiling course. “You have a secret. That is the reason for your silence, you are afraid that if you speak you might say something that I should not know.”

You were amused that she was still able to look at you in surprise knowing full well that she was working with more profilers than her sanity could handle. “I’ll just say that you should get a manicure.” She looked straight at your nails before gracefully turning around and heading back to her cave.

Maybe that must have made you laugh a little, but you didn't need to be a great profiler to understand what the hell she was talking about.

A week.

That's how long it had been since Penelope gave you a big little spoiler of what your future would be like if you didn't do something about it, so you decided to do the worst thing you could think of and you were avoiding Spencer at all costs. And even though you two were technically still together, your apartment felt empty without his light.

The cobblestones were slippery from the rain and your fingers were frozen. Before pushing open the door of the building you blew into your hands, hoping that your breath would bring the warmth you needed.

Finally the elevator dropped you off at your floor and you only had to walk a little to get to the door of your apartment but…

“We need to talk.” His tone retained that sweetness that was only meant for you, but the weight of the situation was evident in the hint of seriousness that carried in his voice.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” You brushed it off as you approached to greet him with a short kiss.

He kissed you back, because well he couldn’t help it. “There isn’t? I say we definitely need to talk.” He said as you opened the door to your apartment. “It’s not normal for you to avoid me, much less for this long.”

You left the door open for him. “I’ve just been busy.” You replied.

He closed the door behind him. “I know, we have the same job.” He sighed before walking over to you and placing his hands on your shoulders. “Please can you tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart.” Spencer had that pleading look in his bright, tortured eyes.

“Nothing’s wrong with me.” Your walls rose so high that even you felt upset with yourself.

“Then why are you avoiding me?” Spencer tried hard to keep his tone calm even though he was starting to get frustrated and irritated.

Your pulse was racing, you could feel your ears throbbing, and uncertainty added to the equation so the words came out like bullets. “Because I don’t want to marry you!”

Spencer stood still in place, not even blinking. “…Just with me?” His weak words were a huge contrast to yours which sounded like thunder, the kind of thunder that sets things on fire.

“With no one, I don’t want to marry you or anyone else.” You quickly clarified with a brusqueness that didn’t help improve the tension. “Why ruin everything when our relationship is perfect as it is?”

He shook his head. “No, it’s not.” Spencer took a step back and let out an exasperated sigh. “In all these years of dating, why haven’t you ever said anything?” He ran a hand through his hair, trying to remember if he’d misunderstood everything. “I don’t get it. I made advances and you seemed okay with it.”

“Well, you never asked me directly.” You excused yourself.

“You know very well that I always wanted a family.” He reminded you in a firm tone. “When I got out of prison you were always there and I thought you would still be there…” He couldn’t control the pain that materialized in his eyes.

“I’ll be here, not the way you want but I’ll be here.” You tried to keep away the desperation in your words from being evident.

"If you weren't planning on marrying me, why waste all these years of my life? It's too late for me now." You hoped your words hadn't hurt him like his words hurt you right now, because if that was the case then you had hurt him deeply.

“Too late for what?” You asked with annoyance, although fearing the answer.

“To find someone who is ready.” Spencer blurted out as if it were nothing, as if he hadn’t just dropped a bomb on the most fragile building.

Of course, just because you weren't ready didn't mean someone else wasn't.

You nodded, a grimace appearing on your face. “Well, you’re not the only one wasting time on this relationship. I’m glad to tell you it’s over.” A new ounce of cruelty was added with each word.

It's funny how it would never have occurred to you to hurt Spencer in any way, but at that moment you just wanted to make him feel more miserable than you. Which wasn't hard to achieve, but it would be hard to forgive.

His face lost its anger and turned into a sad disbelief. “What? No, I don’t want to break up.” He shook his head multiple times. “Please no, I’m so sorry about what I said, I don’t have an excuse and I understand that you’re upset but…” You didn’t let him finish.

“I said it’s over.” You spoke firmly, emphasizing each word.

Spencer murmured your name in a pleading tone. “Please don’t do this, I love you.” It was the first time that phrase was used as a desperate attempt to not lose you instead of being a way to express how he felt about you.

That almost softened your heart, but unfortunately for him, one of your worst qualities was resentment. And yet, despite all that, he loved you.

You didn't even give him an answer, much less look at him. Both knew that someone had to give in to save whatever was left of your relationship, but you were too proud and he wasn't willing to continue humiliating himself. So he ended up leaving. Maybe if you had said something…

The days after the breakup were tough, especially since both work together and neither was willing to give up their jobs. Although after Penelope left, Matt and Spencer were assigned to special missions and you didn't see him very often anymore. Still, you could recognize the strength of both for putting up with a couple of years working together. Although you and him receive the occasional scolding from Emily for arguing in the middle of a case.

In the meantime, it was already dark and the sun had gone along with your ability to feel happy for two people who definitely deserved it. You knew, you knew it was the right thing to do and yet it still didn't feel that way.

Unfortunately, the melancholy of the night was accompanied by a revelation or maybe it was just the longing for what if...? If what if were a reality, you would have been married to Spencer for years, you would possibly already have his childrens, and perhaps everything would be perfect, or perhaps not, it was something you would never know.

They say it's never too late but this time it was. Now Max had the chance to take the Reid name even though she preferred to keep her maiden name. You wondered what you would do in her place, probably the same but you didn't have the chance to make that choice. You took that chance away from yourself.

There were at least five couples on the dance floor, including Max, who was dancing with her dad.

You frowned at not finding Spencer, but then it seemed like your longing summoned him because you heard his voice. That unrecognizable voice that you could never forget, which would be the protagonist of your dreams and torments.

“I have to admit, you impress me.” He sounded much more relaxed now, of course, his wife had that effect on him. You knew that when Max stayed by his side after Cat Adams.

“Why?” You knew the answer, but you wanted it to come out of his lips.

“If it was your wedding I wouldn’t have even shown up.” The ease with which he admitted the truth caught you off guard. “I guess you’re stronger than me, you always were.” No, that’s not true.

“Strong people don’t run away.” You had the opportunity that very few people have, correct Spencer Reid.

“I guess you’re the exception.” Then he extended a hand in your direction. “Dance with me.”

You stared at his palm for seconds disguised as minutes. “You hate dancing.” You muttered.

“Yes, but I know I would hate myself more if I didn’t end this in a proper way.” There it was, the Spencer you knew. Now someone else’s Spencer.

So you took his hand and he led you to the dance floor. Once he put his hand on your waist and you put your hand on his shoulder the rest of the people disappeared for you and secretly for him too.

Both swayed in silence to the slow ballad. Inevitably your eyes fell on the ring that wrapped around his finger perfectly, regret maybe prompting you to speak. “Would you have waited for me to be ready?” You whispered.

“Would you ever have been ready?” Reid murmured, this time not meaning to hurt you but he did it anyway.

You squeezed his hand a little. “I’m ready now.” Your words were low, but without hesitation, not this time. Who needed alcohol to make a strong statement?

Spencer sighed and pulled you closer to him, placing his hand on your back. “You’re being cruel right now.” He spoke in a low tone, but firm and calm at the same time.

“Please.” You pleaded. “I just need an answer.”

He swallowed. “Yes, I would’ve waited for you.” He whispered in your ear.

The party continues, with dancing, drinks and several kisses that you were not the protagonist of but bitterly had to witness.

You couldn't take it anymore, so you grabbed your coat and bag before heading for the exit. Since you had a reputation for being a runaway, you didn't bother to say goodbye to your friends, much less the happy newlyweds.

“Wait.” Whatever you want.

You stood still in your spot, waiting for him to come to you. “You can’t leave without your slice of cake.” Spencer handed you the plate and gave one of those smiles that hadn’t been directed at you in years.

There were a thousand things you wanted to say to him. But only one thing made it past your lips. “Thank you.”

He nodded. “Wait, I have something else for you.” Then he pulled something out of his trousers pocket.

That couldn’t be what your eyes were seeing, so you closed them and blinked multiple times. But he was still holding that beautiful engagement ring. “This was always for you, even if it doesn’t have the meaning I once wanted it to have now.”

Used to mean something, but now it means nothing.

You didn't take the ring, you just watched Reid in silence. He had chosen perfectly well…

At your silence he spoke again. “I heard some men recycle them. You know they buy an engagement ring for one woman and if they get rejected they save it for the next one. I couldn’t do that to Max, or you either.” He took your hand, extending your palm and placing the ring on it.

“No, I can’t accept that and I don’t think Max would be okay with this…” Your eyes remained fixed on the piece of silver and diamonds.

“It doesn’t mean anything now.” Ouch. “It did before and if it were still like this she would definitely be upset and me too.” Spencer clarified. “But now I want this to mark the end of what was supposed to be a beginning.” He paused. “I won’t force you to accept it, but I know the man who loved you would’ve wanted you to have it.”

You closed your palm around the ring. “Don’t talk like he doesn’t exist anymore, Spencer. You’re still the same, you just don’t love me anymore and that’s okay, that has nothing to do with who you are.” The word love ripped through your throat.

“It had everything to do with what I was.” He confessed.

The silence reigned long enough for both to turn around, walking further and further away and returning to the place where they now belonged.

With every step you took you wished that he would catch you and never let you go, not this time. But it was too late to do anything, trying anything now would be fighting a battle you know is lost.

And finally, the only thing left was a story. One last souvenir from a journey as special as it was devastating. Your name will always be present in the stories Spencer will tell his children, the same stories that will be within your reach, but the story isn’t yours anymore.