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dronningreid · 2 months ago

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The shadow that haunts our hallways

↳ After the traumatic experience in prison, Spencer and Reader try to return to their lives, but the consequences torment both causing a disagreement between them; staying or leaving the BAU, something that could destroy their relationship.

main masterlist | my previous fanfic

who? Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader category: angst, fluff and hurt comfort. warnings/tags: Arguments, disagreements, post-prison reid, mention of dilaudid, mention of Cat Adams and Peter Lewis, multiple mentions of Reid's prison arc, special appearance by Emily Prentiss, mention of kidnapping and death. English isn't my first language. word count: 5.9K a/n: Hey! I hope you like this, I didn't realize I hadn't posted anything in so long and I'm truly sorry. I wanted to write something fluffy but it seems angst is my specialty and well this was my most advanced draft because when I finished this I was sick and I really wanted to post something in honor of Spencer's return (I AM SO HAPPY). Oh to write this I was inspired by 2x5 when Spencer goes to Elle's hotel room (I miss her) Finally I think this is the first time I've written post-prison Reid.

Three months.

You'd dare say those had been the worst three months of your life. The angst, the uncertainty, the fear... it was the worst cocktail of emotions you'd ever had to drink.

Especially waking up in a huge bed with imaginary discomforts, the ones that weren't there when Spencer placed a soft kiss on your forehead before whispering, "Goodnight, darling.”

But for three months, all you got in return were cold sheets and sleepless nights, wrapped in stormy unknowns like, would Spencer ever get the chance to see another sunrise? Or if, when you and the team managed to break the chains, would he be the same Spencer? who looked at you with that heartbreaking panic in those beautiful, innocent brown eyes before the police took him away to a federal prison. Of both unknowns, you were only sure of one. The Spencer Reid who entered Millburn wouldn't be the same one who left.

You and Penelope stood outside the correctional center, waiting for JJ, Luke, and Spencer to come out. It was the longest few minutes of your life, but it all ended when he walked out of that horrible place. He looked different, you didn't know exactly why, besides noticing the new length of his hair and his stubble. The only thing that anchored you to the comfortable past was the suit he was wearing, the same one he wore the last time you saw him.

Before greeting you, he approached Penelope. They hugged immediately, and when they finally separated, he approached slowly, stopping right in front of you. For a moment, you wanted to yell at him. You hated when Emily told you that Spencer didn't want you to visit him, you, the most important person in his life, maybe second only to Diana, but at least he wanted to see her.

But when you saw that lack of something you couldn't name in his eyes, you knew you couldn't stay angry with him, at least not forever, and much less now that you knew you could lose him at any moment.

You tentatively approached him, intending to hug him, though he took your action as consent that he could touch you. He placed his calloused hands on your cheeks, his thumbs caressing your soft skin as he gazed into your eyes for a few slow seconds before finally breaking down the barriers he'd built up and pressing his lips against yours. You sighed at the sweetness of his lips, your body relaxing almost immediately, and your eyes drifting closed at the familiarity you'd been missing.

Spencer was never the type to show affection in public, but after having absolutely nothing from you for three months, all he longed for was to have you as close as possible, and honestly, you too, so that you could protect him from anything that might hurt him.

Spencer finally broke the kiss to take a breath, which didn't bother you too much, since you had needed him so much that you would’ve been happy to drown in his kisses.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered meaninglessly, because you had truly forgiven him the moment you saw him in front of you, that’s how weak you were in Spencer Reid’s presence.

In response, you wrapped your arms around his shoulders. “I missed you.” You whispered against his neck.

Instinctively, he wrapped his arms around your waist and even pulled you closer, needing your closeness like he needed air. “And I missed you too…”

You would’ve liked to say that after the whole prison thing, Spencer got a decent meal and rest, but Mr. Scratch had other plans for the entire team.

At least the FBI gave them a break, but in your opinion you needed at least a year to recover from the recent events that had hit you like a tsunami (for lack of a better metaphor)

Spencer held the apartment door open for you to enter. “I didn't know Stephen very well, but he seemed like a good man.” Silence reigned; there wasn't much one could say in these situations anyway. “He visited me in prison. He probably had more important things to do, and yet he still took the time to be there for me even though he barely knew me.” He added after closing the door behind him. “How are you?”

You quickly wiped your tears away. At the slightest mention of Stephen, you could remember his wife; Monica, weeping inconsolably over his loss. You could've been her... "I only think about his family." You whispered weakly. "He didn't deserve that. He was a good person, a great profiler who ended up losing everything, even his life, for getting involved in the chaotic affairs of the BAU." Fresh tears trickled down your cheeks.

Spencer quickly approached, handing you a handkerchief to wipe your tears while rubbing slow circles on your back. “This is beyond Stephen, isn’t it?” He dared to ask.

Your eyes met his. “Until when?”

He frowned at your half question. “Until when what?”

“When will our learning end? Hotch lost Haley, Morgan almost lost Savannah.” <<I almost lost you>> “And don’t even get me started on the things you’ve lost or were about to lose because of this job.” Your voice was filled with a bitterness you hadn’t realized until now, a bitterness that grew day by day as an agent in the BAU.

Spencer had so many reasons to tell you why his job was worth it, but given recent events, it was only natural that the positive would be overshadowed by the thick, dark cloud hanging over you.

In the absence of a comment from your boyfriend, you decided to say what had been on your mind, no matter how controversial it might be. "Maybe it's time we tried our luck outside the BAU.”

Reid’s eyebrows rose at your suggestion, he couldn’t believe what had just come out of your mouth. “I don’t think you’re thinking this through clearly, sweetheart. We’ve been through a lot lately, which is why we can’t make any decisions now, not when all the emotions are running high.”

“This isn't an idea that came out of nowhere. I’ve been thinking about this for longer than I’d like to admit.” You confessed.

Spencer's expression began to harden. "How long? Why are you only telling me now?" His questions sounded almost like a complaint, and rightly so. He never believed you would keep something as big as that from him for who knows how long.

“I don't know exactly how long ago it was,” you exclaimed defensively before taking a deep breath. “Well, it's obvious why I'm telling you this now. You've been shot, you've been kidnapped, but this thing in prison was something completely different. I've never seen you like this before…” You stared into his eyes, emphasizing that special something that was conspicuously absent.

Spencer ran a hand over his face. “My love, listen, I don’t want to talk about that right now, and I don’t want to talk about quitting our jobs either.” His tone softened. “We just got back from a funeral, I’m exhausted, you’re exhausted. Can we just go to bed and talk tomorrow when we’re clear-headed?” You relented only when you saw the tiredness etched in his eyes.

But days passed, then weeks, and neither of you dared to broach the subject, at least not directly. You didn't, mainly because you were having such a good time with Spencer, and a difficult conversation like that would've its consequences. Plus, just thinking about it felt like someone was squeezing your heart.

Your days off were running out, your return to the BAU was imminent, and you still had the option of never returning. But for that, you'd have to sit down with Spencer and have a difficult conversation, because you couldn't sweep your problems under the rug forever.

Spencer wasn't home. Since he got out of prison, he'd tried to spend as much time with you as possible, but lately, and increasingly, he'd been going out alone, telling you he was going for a walk, getting coffee, or visiting Henry and Michael. His excuse today was that he was going to visit Diana, but his lies were about to crumble at your feet when the phone rang.

“Reid Residence.” You answered the phone as you had said so many times in the past. Perhaps it was silly, but saying Spencer’s last name gave you a certain comfort, especially during his stay in Millburn.

“I hope I'm not interrupting anything.” Emily added after saying your name.

“It’s not like that, I was just watching TV.” You replied, absentmindedly playing with the phone cord. Spencer was probably one of the few people in the world who still had a phone like that in his house or rather, it was your house, too. You still hadn’t gotten used to living with him, since you’d only been living together for a few days when he was arrested in Mexico.

“Oh, me too! I got obsessed with a show and-” Emily cut herself off and cleared her throat. “Anyway, could you please tell Reid the results of his psych evaluation are in?”

“Psychological evaluation?” Emily couldn't see it but your brow is furrowed.

“Yes, don't worry, I checked it myself. Everything's fine, considering everything that's happened.” You froze, Emily's words only served to confirm what your mind didn't want to fully accept, even though the suspicion was always there.

It was one thing to seek reassignment to the FBI, and another to lie to you,that had crossed the fragile line on which your patience hung.

“I brought blackberry pie.” Spencer exclaimed happily, announcing his return home.

You didn't bother to say goodbye properly to Emily; you just hung up the phone and stood there with your arms crossed, staring at him in annoyance.

Spencer's smile faded the instant he noticed your body language and your proximity to the phone, but he didn't say anything, waiting for you to break the growing tension in the air.

You didn't want to give in you needed him to say something, anything. But the silence was killing you, so you gave in, though not completely. "Emily called." Your words hung in the air.

You could see it in his eyes; he clearly knew what you were referring to, but from what he said next, it seemed like he just wanted to upset you. "Is that so?" He murmured casually. "What did she say to you?”

“Don't play dumb with me, Spencer Reid.” You exploded. He tended to be sassy at times, but this crossed every line for the man you shared a bed with.

Spencer sighed and took three steps in front of you, making sure to leave an appropriate distance. “I never meant for you to find out like this.”

“Your intention was to keep me from ever finding out.” You kept your tone high. “How did you expect to keep this from me? I’m a profiler, we work in the same unit.”

“There’s no need to scream.” He murmured in a controlled voice, perhaps too controlled. Perhaps he was afraid, afraid of exploding like he had in that interrogation room with Catherine Adams. No, he would never hurt you, at least not physically, because lying by omission was also harm.

“I’m not yelling!” Okay, that time you did it, so you forced yourself to take a deep breath. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Your voice took on a controlled tone.

“Why?” He spat out, almost as if it were a joke, a very bitter one. “For the past few weeks, you’ve been making insinuations and comments about leaving the BAU. Fine! Resign if that’s what you want, but don’t drag me down with you.” He said firmly.

Your expression gave way to surprise before it took on a tinge of anger. “I will! I will leave the damn BAU, which has done nothing but cause me pain.” Your words were filled with bitterness.

Reid's firmness wavered at your comment. “That's where you met me…” He whispered. “Am I pain to you too?” For the first time in weeks, he allowed you to see his vulnerability.

You quickly shook your head. “Of course not.” You sighed in frustration. “Listen, I didn’t realize I hated my job until you went to prison.” Your heart ached this was still a sensitive topic. “Tell me something, Spencer. Why would you want to go back to the FBI? Especially when they turned their backs on you.”

“You had your reasons for believing he was guil-” You didn’t let him finish his justification.

“Of course not!” Actually, yes, but love makes us blind. And they didn’t know Spencer well, not like you or Emily, JJ, Penelope, Dave… “If we’d had the FBI’s backing, you wouldn’t have spent three damn months in that horrible place, and you’d still be you…”

Spencer frowned, his expression darkening with anticipation of what might come out of your lips. “Still be me?” A trick question that would be difficult to dodge.

“You've changed.” You limited your response. The fish dies by the mouth, isn't that what they say?

“Well, after three months in federal prison, I'd be worried if that experience hadn't changed me.” He crossed his arms.

“Experience? Is that what you call it?” Your expression reflected your annoyance. “Of course, it would be stupid to expect you to be the same, but a lot of things have changed. You didn’t even let me visit you.” Your words sounded almost like a reproach, and maybe they were.

“Oh, wow.” Spencer threw his hands in the air. “It took you a while to bring that up.” His words were laced with venom.

“How did you expect me to react?” You raised your voice again, Reid’s jaw tightening. “Everyone else had the right to see you, except me, your girlfriend…” You hated when your voice broke.

Spencer's expression softened slightly. "I didn't want you to see me like that." He explained.

"Battered? Miserable? Different?" You blurted out, waiting for the answers that had been tormenting you.

“Why do you insist I’m different?” He raised his voice as well. “I’m the same man.” He insisted almost desperately, trying to make the idea fit not only your mind, but also in his own.

“Why are you!” You exclaimed firmly. “You carry a second gun holster.” You pointed.

“It’s a precaution.” He excused himself.

“No, that’s paranoia." You countered. “And that’s the least of it. I can no longer see that innocence in your eyes, the faith that this isn’t such a bad world.” You sighed. “On the surface, it’s not a huge change, but I notice it. I noticed it when that sweet, somewhat innocent man I fell in love with slammed a pregnant woman against a wall and muttered that he was going to kill her.”

Your words were a sentence, and for a long time they tormented you, as you replayed the scene over and over again.

An old friend settled in Spencer's eyes: guilt. "I'm sorry you had to see that. I shouldn't have…" His voice broke as he sank onto the couch. "I'm not like that. I was… I don't know…”

You wanted him to be aware of his change, but you regretted it when you saw the pain and guilt in his eyes, in his expression, radiating from his entire being. If that was the price, you weren't willing to pay it. You would never do anything that could hurt him, not even something that would cause the slightest scratch.

You followed him to the couch, resting your hand on his knee. “I know that’s not the kind of person you are, and I really want to believe it was just a one-time thing, caused by all the emotions you were going through, that you still go through every second.” He stared down at the carpet, but you knew he was listening. “I’ve known you for years, Spence. You’re so kind, too good for this world. You don’t usually resort to such extremes because that’s not you, and then comes the regret and eternal guilt.” From the expression in his eyes, you knew those two were already manifesting. “Seeing you there, like that, destroyed me in ways I never anticipated,” you whispered.

“I’m not so kind or a saint, I’m not as good as you think I am.” He said, his gaze still as lost as his. “What happens next? Will I actually kill someone? I… I’m afraid this is who I am now.” His voice broke, his curls covering his eyes, but you could bet tears were gathering at the corners.

You immediately wrapped him in a hug, and he clung to your arms. “No, no, no. You're still you, with a few changes, but you're still you…” You cling to that idea, not the despicable facts.

“But for how much longer?” He murmured against your shirt, this time you could feel the wet drops on the fabric of your shirt.

“I don't know,” you whispered. “But if you stay in that job, it'll probably keep taking pieces of you away, until what's left is little or nothing…” It wasn't the right time, but you had to say it, make him understand, a last ditch effort to keep from losing him…

Spencer pulled away from the hug. “You can’t know.” He still had tears on his cheeks.

"You joined the FBI very young, a different person than you are now. Have you ever wondered what your life would be like? Without gunshot wounds, without kidnappings, without Dilaudid, without deaths..." The answer to that question was many times, but he didn't say anything, preferring to ponder everything in silence.

“I won't force you to leave the BAU, but I will because I can't stand being there anymore, no matter how much I once loved it.” Your voice cracked. “And I really wish you would come with me because I can't lose you, Spencer. I couldn't bear it…”

Spencer stood up from the couch, dusted off his clothes, and hurried to wipe the evidence of his vulnerability off his face. “I’d love to give you what you want, but the BAU is all I’ve ever known, and I don’t think I can really leave it, no matter how many pieces of me it takes in the process.” And with that, he headed into the bedroom, not even waiting for a syllable to leave your lips.

The following days were filled with something different in the air, something that made everything more complicated and everything got even worse when Spencer was reassigned to the FBI, although not completely according to him and although he resented his days off you were secretly happy even though your relationship wasn't at its best.

You decided that once that case was over, you'd announce your departure from the FBI. Matt Simmons had joined the team, after all, which gave you some peace of mind. Although those were the kinds of decisions you made with Spencer, and doing it alone felt even more wrong…

You stopped by the Naples, Florida, police department. Honestly, you didn't know what to do with yourself. You knew you were supposedly working, but the status of your relationship with Spencer had you worried, to say the least.

You had to fix this no matter what, so you swallowed your pride and headed to where you knew Spencer and Emily were.

Along the way, you rehearsed how you would tell Spencer that you supported him, that if his decision was to stay at the BAU, you respected and supported him because that's what a couple does. You mentally rehearsed your speech, perhaps a bit too cheesy, so you limited everything you felt for him to just "I love you.”

The door was half closed, you were about to burst in but you were friends with Penelope Garcia so you stayed behind the door listening to the conversation between Emily and Spencer.

“Because I wanted to kill Scratch.” Reid's words caught you off guard, but honestly, everyone at the BAU has had that same thought at some point.

“Standing room only on that bus.” Emily replied.

“No, I mean it literally. After what he did to you, if I had found him, I would have killed him. And… I would have slept well.” His words were like having a glass of ice water thrown over your head in winter.

It was one thing to think about killing someone, with someone like Peter Lewis, there was a kind of justification, but you're supposed to be the embodiment of justice. You wouldn't have cared if someone had said that. But you knew Spencer or at least you thought you did, because your Spencer, the awkward boy who trembled when he asked you to be his girlfriend, that guy couldn't sleep well if there was blood on his hands, no matter the reasons, he'd be tormented by guilt until his last breath. This new man, on the other hand, admitted he was okay with it; it was more than you could bear.

You carefully turned around, discarding the reason you were there in the first place. You told yourself you weren't running away, but honestly, you were. But you weren't running away from your beloved; you were running away from what he had become.

Arriving at the hotel at night after a long day's work, you approached Emily, asking to be put in a different room from Reid. The hotel had enough rooms, but Emily looked at you with some confusion.

“Is everything okay?” Emily asked, only the two of you were in the lobby, the rest had gone to their rooms.

You nodded quickly. “Yeah, I just want the bed to myself.” The version of you from several months ago wouldn't have been able to stand being even two inches away from Spencer.

Emily was more respectful of privacy, so she gave you the space you needed without further questions. But she still got involved by giving you the key to the room across the hall from Spencer's.

Spencer was lying in bed, staring at the ceiling. When he didn't see you walk through the door, he went out to look for you in the lobby. He didn't find you, so he asked at the hotel reception where they told him your room number. It wasn't the same as his, and you were just across the hall, but the distance felt like more than that. It had been feeling that way for a while, for both, actually.

Spencer sighed heavily, running his hands over his face. Part of him wanted to give you the space you forced upon him, but he'd been locked away for three months without anything from you… And finally, there was that proud part of him that refused to seek you out without you doing it first.

That's how it was lately, someone had to give in and neither of them was willing to do it.

But if no one did something soon, everything he had built would crumble at his feet… The mere thought of losing you made Spencer quickly get out of bed and head out the door.

You were lying in bed, tossing and turning, when your phone suddenly rang. You answered it without noticing who it was. “Can we talk?” You swore Spencer’s voice on the other end of the line made your heart skip a beat.

“It’s late, and I was about to fall asleep.” That’s what you wanted to come out of your lips, but instead it was… “Sure.” You hated the urgency evident in your tone.

Then the door rang. You pushed back the covers before getting out of bed and then opened it. “I didn’t want to keep you waiting in case you said yes.” Spencer still had the phone to his ear when you opened the door. His voice was so soft it almost made you forget everything that had been different about him lately.

You both put away your phones, and a smile inevitably formed on your lips. “Your room is across the hall.” Remembering the troubles surrounding you, your smile slowly faded, until only a ghost of what was left remained, just like you and him.

Spencer stared at you, as if your eyes could give him all the answers he was looking for. “Why aren't you sleeping with me?” He asked cautiously. “Is it because I kicked you the other night? Because I already apologized for that.”

His attempt to lighten the mood drew a small laugh from you, and for a moment you could see him again, your dear and beloved Spencer Reid. “No, it’s not that.” You shook your head.

He took your hands, his thumbs brushing your knuckles but his eyes fixed on you. “So tell me why, sweetheart, why aren't you next to me in bed?”

His eyes were so intense, so intense they triggered the truth. “Because I needed space.”

Spencer looked almost hurt. He stopped wiggling his thumbs but continued to hold your hands. “Do you want space now?” He asked tentatively, hoping the answer was no.

“I don’t know…” You whispered.

Spencer sighed and finally let go of your hands. “It’s been like this between us lately, hasn’t it? We let it build up and then you push me away like a bad habit. I honestly didn’t expect I’d have to sleep alone tonight, and the worst part is, I don’t even know why.”

You let out a frustrated sigh. “We’re in trouble, that’s obvious, but we’re still holding onto this, and I thought a better way to deal with it was to give me a break.” You explained.

“A break from me?” His expression said it all, that hard mask firmly covering the pain, the pain that what he had could end and he hadn’t even realized it.

You closed your eyes for a moment, regretting your choice of words and his interpretation of them. “A break from what you are now.” You corrected your words, but not for better.

He sighed in frustration, hating your constant reminder of what he was and what he is. “Oh, so now I'm some kind of monster you must escape?” His tone was filled with bitterness.

“Don’t put words in my mouth.” You clenched your jaw, keeping yourself from yelling and starting an argument in the hallway. “I would never refer to you as a monster.”

“So what do you mean?” He asked sharply. “Uhm? What word would you use to describe what I am now? What seem to despise to you.” After that, he said your name with a certain chilling undertone.

“A stranger.” You blurted out, and from the expression on his face, you knew the word stranger stung more than monster. “That’s how I see you, and excuse me, but it’s hard to see my sweet boyfriend as anything more than a stranger when I hear him say he would’ve killed a man without remorse and slept well afterward.”

Spencer looked up from the floor, realizing you'd overheard his conversation with Emily. “So that's why you've been avoiding me all day? That's why you sent me to the dog house?”

You frowned. “You seem to be downplaying it.”

Spencer sighed heavily. “It’s not like that, but it’s hard to believe my words affected you when Scratch doesn’t deserve any courtesy, not after what he did to our team, our family.” His words came out firmly.

“Peter Lewis is dead!” Maybe shouting the reminder would bring him to his senses. “We’re supposed to be on the side of justice, and beyond that, you’re not like that. When you first killed someone, you couldn’t sleep, the guilt ate at you, no matter how bad that man was.” You responded with the same firmness as him.

Spencer remained silent, you hit the nail on the head because he usually had a lot to say.

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad, you’re going through a lot and honestly, I can see the resentment building up in your eyes. This is going to destroy you, Spencer, and I'm not willing to see it happen.” You whispered.

A flicker of fear crossed Spencer's eyes. "What are you trying to say?" He asked tentatively.

You swallowed, trying to ease the weight of your words that made a lump in your throat. “I’m trying to say that I need some time away from this, Spencer, away from you. And permanently some time away from the BAU. This is my last case.”

∗⋅✧⋅∗

You should admit. Spencer had done a great job on this case, even though his personal life was crumbling around him especially with the things you'd said to him.

The jet ride was silent, except for the small talk between Luke, JJ, and Spencer. Everything else was peaceful, normal…

Your initial plan was to announce your departure on the jet, but you decided to postpone it until you arrived at the BAU so you could say a more appropriate goodbye to Penelope. You couldn't give a half-hearted goodbye to the sweetest woman on earth.

You never liked goodbyes, and honestly, who does?

You could still feel a ghostly trace of the hugs you received from your friends and now ex colleagues. Their farewell speeches haunt your mind, and for a moment you wished that saying goodbye to something that was once a home didn't feel so bitter, like escaping through the emergency exit.

There were dried tears on your cheeks, the physical reminder of the goodbye that was rekindled when the cool night air hit your cheeks.

Meanwhile, Spencer chivalrously offered to drive you to the hotel where you were going to stay until you found a place or until you decided to come back to him, which would be unlikely if neither of you were willing to give in.

“So I guess this is goodbye, although I hope it won't.” He said honestly as he parked the car in front of the hotel.

“We’ll see where life leads us.” You replied, though you didn’t really want to go where the tide took you. You wanted to choose for yourself, but you didn’t have the strength to swim against the current.

Spencer handed you your bag, holding back the words. “I hope it leads you back to me.” He gave you what looked like the ghost of a smile before you opened the car door.

But before you could get out of the car, Spencer said your name in that way only he could make your heart skip a beat. You turned around almost immediately, searching for what he had to say. “What you said was true?” You frowned, needing more information, because you had said a lot, especially to him. “About how resentment is going to destroy me…” He finished it.

You nodded slowly before looking away. This was more difficult than either of you could have anticipated. “It's like drinking poison and waiting for someone else to die.”

Spencer just nodded silently, but you knew he was reflecting on your words, as you knew every one of his expressions perfectly, some of which you had even adopted.

“Goodbye, Spencer.” You mumbled before finally getting out of the car. A cowardly goodbye, because if you stayed any longer, you'd probably jump into his arms.

You headed to the hotel reception, you searched your bag for your wallet to pay for the room but then you found something else, Spencer's credentials in your bag, he was going to quit…

You ran out of the hotel, but Spencer and the car were no longer where you'd left them. So you frantically flagged down a taxi.

When you reached your old building, you ran up the stairs. You finally arrived in front of the door to the apartment you'd once shared with Spencer and knocked, knowing that using the keys you hadn't yet returned would be invasive.

When Spencer opened the door, you didn't expect to see the surprise etched on his face. You wanted to tell him so many things; your heart was racing, really racing, from him, or rather, from running. But then, before you could give a grand speech, you crushed your lips against his.

He didn't even hesitate for a second, his hands wrapped around your waist, his eyes closed and his soft sigh caressed your lips during the kiss.

After a few seconds, you pulled away, breathing as rapidly as he did. “I thought you might need more time.” Spencer was the first to break the silence, but his voice was barely above a whisper.

“I needed it, I did, but you left something in my bag. I don't know if it's a mistake or-” He interrupted you as you spoke hurriedly.

“I'm going to quit.” He replied with conviction.

You looked at him intently, still believing this was too unreal. “We have a lot of things to sort out, and I don’t want you to feel pressured. You shouldn’t leave your job just because of me. I know what I said before, but I love you, and if you love your job at the BAU, I accept it. Just please don’t become a stranger. I know it’s difficult, but hold on to the real Spencer Reid, the sweet, innocent, and clumsy man I fell in love with.” Your voice and your eyes were full of pleading.

Spencer took your face in his hands. “I promise I won’t become a stranger. I really don’t want to become someone I’m not. And if the price to pay is leaving the BAU, I’ll accept it because I can’t lose myself, and I can’t lose you.” He whispered, his thumb brushing over your cheekbone.

You rested your face in his hands. “You really don’t have to quit your job. You don’t have to sacrifice anything to be with me. I would never ask that of you.” You had, but now it was different. You couldn’t do that to Spencer. You could never do anything that would hurt him, not him.

“I know.” He continued to caress your face. “We’ve had difficult times for this job, because it’s about sacrifice, and I don’t know how I was so blinded before. But I won’t let my job cost me my relationship with you, much less myself.” He replied with a hint of sadness.

“But I don’t want you to rush into a decision, so what if we make a pros and cons list or something?” You looked at him.

Spencer let out a soft laugh. “I already told Emily.” He placed a kiss on your forehead, one that wasn’t enough to ease your doubts. “Hey, it’s okay. I have three PhDs to fall back on, remember?”

“It’s not that… I just don’t want the years to go by and you blame me for forcing you to leave your job.”

Spencer stroked your hair. “Hey. I would never blame you, because this is only my decision.” His response put you at ease. “Besides, I'd been thinking about it for a while, but I didn't want to admit it because the BAU is all I've ever known.” He admitted.

You raised your head to look at him. “Surely in a few years you won’t hate me for that?” You asked quietly.

He shook his head. “Of course not, although it would be a good idea to attend couples therapy, maybe to strengthen communication.”

You nodded slowly; the idea actually sounded pretty good. For a moment that day, you'd felt like you'd lost everything, and now it seemed like everything was going to be resolved. That lifted a huge burden off your shoulders.

“You know I love you, right?” Spencer caressed your face again.

You leaned down to kiss his palm. “I love you, too.”

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dronningreid · 3 months ago

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him and that fuckass scarf against the world 😭😭

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dronningreid · 3 months ago

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me trying to think about what draft i'm going to finish writing or if i'm going to start a new fanfic:

#criminal minds #spencer reid #dr. spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #fanfic #larfetfanfic #larfetramblings

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dronningreid · 4 months ago

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I NEED to have his children

Spencer Reid, S10E11 "The Forever People" (deleted scene)

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dronningreid · 4 months ago

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After reading this I without nails.

for the fear of falling apart | part one

after hearing her gunpoint confession, your sister pressures you into airing your grievances at Rossi's wedding

series masterlist

who? spencer reid x jareau!reader category: angst content warnings: takes place following/during 14x15 "truth or dare", fem!reader, established relationship, mentions roslyn, unresolved conflict, a lot of insecurity, cm violence, i think everyone has a fault in this word count: 2.47k a/n: so this idea popped into my head. i think the concept of spencer dating jj's younger sister is insane and i love it. i hope you like it as well. (i want to write a part two so bad i hate leaving things unresolved). also this is not jj hate that's my girl i loved her even before i loved spencer!!!!

“Please, can you just hear me out?” Your sister pleaded, keeping her voice low so you didn’t take any attention off of the bride and groom.

Bringing your glass to your lips, you shrugged, “I’m not sure this is the right place, Jennifer,” you murmured, looking across the room at your brother-in-law, “I think Will’s looking for you.”

She brushed off your dismissal, “I’ll go over once we figure this out. Let’s go out to the courtyard and talk.”

JJ reached out and gently gripped your elbow, trying to guide you through the French doors of the wedding venue, but you yanked your arm away, crossing your arms in front of your stomach. “It’s rude to leave now, this is a wedding, we’re guests here,” you scolded her, focusing your eyes forward. The ceremony was over, and everyone was mingling, but you refused to be the first to leave. Besides, going home would mean needing to face Spencer – another discussion you didn’t have the energy for.

You knew she hated leaving things unfinished. The both of you could feel the rift between you growing as if the earth was physically shifting beneath your feet. “It would just be for a second,” she urged.

Swallowing thickly, you shook your head, “It’s fifteen years of dirty laundry, Jayg. It’s going to take more than a second to air it out.” You frowned into your newly emptied glass before hauling yourself over to the bar, grateful that she didn’t follow, “Can you make me one of the pink glittery drinks?”

Penelope, the honorary bartender for the evening, nodded reassuringly, taking an already-made beverage from the counter and sliding it over to you, “You look like you could use it,” she observed.

You sighed in concurrence, “You have no idea,” you mumbled as you brought the glass to your lips. The drink itself was a bit of an abomination, so strong that it burnt your nostrils as it went down, “God, that’s strong.”

The technical analyst just laughed, making her way back to the dance floor to meet up with Luke and Matt. Your gaze flickered over other members of the team until you were met with familiar brown eyes.

There had been a ball of dread forming in your stomach ever since you returned from Los Angeles. From where you were standing now, the cut on your boyfriend’s hand that you had preoccupied yourself with seemed inconsequential. You watched him now, in real-time as he glanced between you and your sister, picking up on the tension as you avoided her.

Someone was bound to snap.

Walking away from the bar, you went out into the hallway, finding the nearest door and practically throwing yourself outside. Pulling your hair off the back of your neck with your free hand, you sat down on a moss-covered bench in the courtyard and waited for the cold night air to cool you off.

As expected, you heard the door behind you click. You couldn’t be bothered to look at who it was, if it was important to them, they’d come to you. Sure enough, you remained focused on your drink as Spencer took a seat on the bench next to you, “Aren’t you cold?”

“Alcohol,” you mumbled, “Keeps me warm.”

Not exactly the answer he was going for, but he took it at face value. He was probably more comfortable in his suit than you were in your dress. “Are you feeling alright?”

You thought about lying to him. Telling him that you were just tired, it had been a long week of watching your sister and boyfriend being held hostage in a pawn shop and hunting Everett Lynch on top of your normal caseload, but the thought of holding up that lie just made you feel worse. Taking a large sip of your drink, you took a deep breath before speaking, “Garcia recovered the audio from the CCTV footage inside of the pawn shop. Emily asked me to review the tapes and let her know if I thought there was anything pertinent that should be added to the case files.”

He didn’t respond for a while, knowing exactly what you were getting at but not sure how to further the conversation, “And did you?”

You lifted your glass again, “There wasn’t anything in the tapes that was necessary for the case. I buried the audio files and transcripts and sealed the file.”

“Thank you,” he said, relief evident in his tone.

You, however, frowned at his response, “’Thank you’?” You repeated, an accusation in your voice, “I was scared shitless while the two of you were in there, and all the while my sister was confessing her love for you.”

Spencer was quiet again, rendered speechless by your words. Your description was accurate, if not blunt.

You sniffled, setting your glass down and wrapping your arms around yourself, “I have never felt more humiliated, and no one else can ever know why.” You traced the cobblestones on the ground with your eyes as thoughts continued racing through your head. “God, is this why she pushed us together?”

The door behind you clicked again and you stiffened, closing your eyes when you heard JJ coming out into the courtyard, “Ducky, we need to talk.”

“Don’t fucking call me that,” you snapped at her, standing up and glaring at her. Your childhood nickname rang through your ears. A term of endearment given to you by your oldest sister now grated on your heart, shredding through each chamber. “I do not need to do anything,” you told her, narrowing your gaze.

Tears pricked your eyes, Please, JJ, just give me time to think. I just need a minute. Not everything has to be solved right away.

You were too proud to say the words aloud, but you thought it. You wanted to beg her for time. You wanted to plead with your sister for just a little bit of time to think things through.

She held her hands up in surrender, “I needed to tell Pinkner something that would satisfy him. You know the profile; you know what would’ve happened if I didn’t.”

Yes, and the image of both of them being held at gunpoint would haunt you for years to come, but that still didn’t justify any of it, not to you. Finishing off your drink, you set the crystal glass on the cobblestone bench and faced your sister, “Jennifer,” you said sharply, “Truth or dare?”

Her blue eyes widened as she looked between you and Spencer, who was wisely keeping his mouth shut, “Truth,” she answered, her voice so quiet you could barely hear it.

“Did you mean it?” You asked, the first of your tears finally flooding over your lash line.

You gripped the fabric of your dress in your hands as you waited for her answer, “Yes,” she told you.

Covering your face with your hands, you sighed deeply into them, “Fuck,” you cried. “Fuck, fuck, fuck,” you echoed. None of this made sense to you, JJ was married. JJ and Will were the kind of couple that you could look at and you would know that they belonged together, but now she was saying she had been in love with Spencer this whole time.

White hot tears stung the cold skin on your cheeks as you looked back up at your sister, waiting for her to say something else. “We went on an almost date years ago and nothing else ever came of it. Life just went on moving and we…” Her voice trailed off, either unable to finish her thought or unwilling to share.

“You’re married, JJ,” you said desperately, looking at her and wondering if she had told Will where she was going. “Does Will know? Did you tell him you’ve been stringing him along? Thirteen years in and two kids later?”

She faltered for a moment, and you knew you had hit your mark – it made you sick to your stomach. “No, I love him. I love my boys, you know that.”

You nodded numbly, “Yeah, I do, but I can’t keep going if you’re always going to be longing for what might’ve been.”

“You’re drunk and you don’t know what you’re talking about,” she accused, tapping her right foot anxiously.

JJ might’ve grown up in Roslyn’s shadow, but you grew up in hers. Captain of the varsity soccer team, full-ride athletic scholarship at Pitt, and grad school at Georgetown. All leading up to her joining the bureau at twenty-three. You followed her, believing anywhere was better than Pennsylvania, and this is what it had gotten you. It was exhausting, being the one pushing the boulder up the hill, your hands were scraped, and she couldn’t see it.

Deftly, you wiped at the tears beneath your eyes, “I know exactly what I’m saying. Please, can you try and just look at this from my point of view? My big sister, who I’ve looked up to for my whole life, confessed her feelings for my boyfriend. My boyfriend who she set me up with.” Realization dawned on you, turning to face Spencer, “You were in love with her, and… I’m…” your voice trailed off.

Matching your train of thought, Spencer shook his head, reaching a hand out for yours, but you pulled away from him, “No, honey, please. It’s not like that.”

“You couldn’t have her, and I’m just the next best thing,” you told him miserably. “She met Will and got pregnant and got married and you were so in love with her that you took the off-brand version just to have something.”

Spencer shushed you, watching as tears fell from your cheeks, “I’m with you because I love you, not because of anything else.”

Your chest ached, it felt like someone had thrust their hand in the cavity and was squeezing as tightly as they could. You wanted to believe him. You so, so badly wanted to believe him. “Tell me,” you prompted, “tell me I’m not your second choice.”

“You are not my second choice,” he told you, and you watched. You watched for his tells, any sign at all that he was lying.

You shook your head at him, “Why did you lie to me? About the football game,” you asked him, a semi-permanent frown staying on your face.

He furrowed his brows and stood up in front of you, rubbing your arms up and down to keep you warm, “I didn’t lie to you.”

“You didn’t tell me. Neither of you did. That’s lying by omission, and you both know it,” you said, stepping away from him hesitantly. You didn’t know what to trust; you didn’t know what was real.

Spencer looked back at your sister, but she looked frozen, “It wasn’t a date,” he said simply. “I… I intended for it to be a date, but JJ invited Penelope and that was the end of it. I took it as her not being interested and that’s the truth. Nothing else ever happened between the two of us.”

You watched your sister, her mouth opening and closing as she scrounged for the right thing to say. “I said what I had to in order to survive,” she defended.

Sucking on your back molars, you shrugged helplessly in response, “I know,” you admitted. “I know that you probably planned on taking your truth to the grave with you, but… it’s out, Jayg.”

“I can explain everything to you,” she offered, “Please let me explain, Ducky.”

The desperation in her voice chiseled at your resolve, but it wasn’t enough. “I don’t have it in me,” you admitted. “I’m fresh out of fight and I just wanna go home,” you told her, looking at Spencer who nodded, heading back inside to gather your things.

You sat back down on the bench, propping your chin up on your hand.

“I couldn’t think of anything else to say,” she tried again, her voice gruff from holding back tears.

Shaking your head, you closed your eyes and breathed in the cold winter air, “I don’t really care, JJ. You said it, I heard it, and now you have to deal with it.”

She cleared her throat, “I would deal with it now, but you’re being petulant.”

Looking up at her, you frowned, “I told you inside that I didn’t want to talk about this here. You came outside. You sought me out to talk. Now you’re mad that I’m not being nice about it?” Something new bubbled in your stomach, the pit that had been forming there quickly evolved into anger.

“I was trying to save lives,” she tried again, insisting she was right.

You could live with her being right on that front. She was saving lives, and she needed a truth potent enough to sway the UnSub, but in all of her explanations, she never once apologized about this curveball. “I live with Spencer. I… when I give gifts, they’re signed from the both of us,” you told her. “Sometimes when we can’t sleep at night, we come up with baby names, and you’re in love with him. I asked for time, and you couldn’t give it to me. So, this is what you get.”

With Spencer reappearing at the door, you made your way out of the courtyard, he draped your coat over your shoulders, and you wrapped the wool around yourself as you made your way out. “I told Rossi and Krystall that you were tired, but I think they might have taken it as you had too much to drink,” he explained, opening the passenger side door for the car for you to get in.

A small smile tugged at your throat, “I don’t really care.” Maybe if you had gotten that drunk, your chest wouldn’t hurt so much.

The rest of the ride home was silent, small flurries started floating from the sky, and you watched the way they danced in the streetlights. Once you were home, you got ready for bed, grabbing a pillow off of your bed, and turning to the door, “Where are you going?” Spencer asked, returning from brushing his teeth.

“I’m gonna sleep on the couch,” you told him softly, looking at the pillow that you were clutching in your arms.

He faltered for a moment, obviously taken aback by your decision, “Can we talk tomorrow?”

You frowned, letting your eyes lift to his, when it was dark, his eyes took on a certain kind of melancholia. It hurt to look at tonight. “Sure,” you offered weakly, turning around and heading for the couch.

“Are we gonna be okay?” He asked, fear creeping into his voice. Fear of losing you.

Glancing back at him as you lobbed the pillow on the couch, you gave him a gentle smile, “Yeah, Spence, we’ll figure it out. Just not tonight, okay?”

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid fic #fic recs

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dronningreid · 5 months ago

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All started when Spencer Reid went to prison

#criminal minds #spencer reid #dr. spencer reid #agent reid #comfort show #comfort character #prison reid #season 12 #spencer #larfetramblings

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dronningreid · 6 months ago

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God, I'm SO SORRY. I promise I'll write something fluffy soon to make up for this.

HOW (NOT) CATCH A FIREFLY

↪In which reader has to face the consequences of her past decisions when she goes to Spencer's wedding. Will it be too late to redeem the past?

who? Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader inspired by: The manuscript by Taylor Swift (A little bit, literally just in one sentence) category: angst (really, ANGST) warnings: Discussions, special appearance sassy Reid (did I mention I love him?) and I think that's it. English isn't my first language. word count: 3.5K a/n: I was finally able to write so I'm happy again thanks to Spencer Reid (the love of my life). This is actually something that made me cry so I'm sorry? But in my defense I do vent when I write (Although maybe this time I went a little too far) Anyway, I hope you like it and sorry for disappearing.

Something that will hurt longer than it lasted. What do you call something like that? When it was going on you never called it what it was and Spencer was the one who paid the terrible consequences.

The cold freezes your fingertips, how is that possible if it's a sunny day? Seemingly a perfect day, but not for you.

“I didn’t think you’d come.” Spencer’s sweet voice made you turn around, only this time it didn’t sound sweet at all.

You stopped to appreciate his suit, for the work you almost always saw him wear those suits that made him even more attractive than he already was. But what was different this time was the boutonnière on the left lapel of his jacket. “Well, you invited me.” you replied with an awkward smile.

His brow furrowed. “Not me, Max was the one who invited you.” He corrected you roughly, not like all those times he gently explained the difference of some things which you couldn’t remember right now but the knowledge was there, being overshadowed by the memories.

Your lips formed a straight line, how to respond that? “Yes, she was very nice to invite me.”

Reid’s face softened, just a little. “Yeah, well everyone in the BAU had an invitation except you so she decided to give you the chance I took from you.” Just like you had taken away a chance from him years ago, but he didn’t say that even though he wanted to. “Seriously, I didn’t think you’d come.”

And he was right, you weren't going to go but now you're there. You hadn't thought of it that way, but maybe it was a way to punish yourself for making him lose almost eight years of his life or maybe it was a way to seek redemption…

Of course attending his wedding was a punishment, but not just for you.

“But I’m here, hoping that you’ll be very happy with Max.” You whispered, wondering why honest words made your heart bleed. “And I’m so sorry for the pain I once caused you.” When you say more your chest feels heavier. The truth was supposed to set you free, not oppress you.

Spencer sighed, trying to keep that icy expression but the apologies he always expected had an effect on him. “It’s okay.” No, it wasn’t. “You’re like a firefly, once they’re captured they don’t glow anymore. I just never wanted you to feel trapped, much less by me.” His throat threatened to close up so he cleared it. “And as for the rest, Max already makes me very happy. I hope that someday you find someone who does the same for you.” A hint of sadness crept into his forced smile.

You had already found him, but you crushed his heart which caused him to give the ring to someone else.

The quartet began to play their violins, that was the signal that the bride was approaching the altar. Everyone took their places, fortunately yours was next to Penelope, unfortunately in the first rows.

Max was holding her father's arm, whom you only saw once after you and the team saved him and Max's little sister from a kidnapped. A long and not very pleasant story, which luckily (or maybe not) ended well for the two of them Max and Spencer. A sentence written in cursive on the invitations indicated that today was the first day of a forever..

Maybe the word “forever” was that it took your breath away and oppressed you to the point of wanting to run away. Yes, maybe that simple word was responsible for your miserable life caused by the fear of belonging to someone thanks to the signature on a paper.

Everyone watched as Max walked down the aisle, accompanied by the beautiful melody coming from the violins. They could see how her beautiful white dress dragged a little on the perfect grass and they could also see that the outfit made her look so beautiful, of course she must look fantastic on her day.

But you weren't with the flock, as Max moved closer to a life with Spencer, you could only watch him and no one else. You could see the goofy smile that once was for you and you could also see how he was close to shedding tears, just seeing his fiancée in a dress she would surely wear once in her life apparently had that effect on him.

And you knew very well that you had no right to make claims, you had the opportunity to be that woman, his woman, but you preferred to run away. Even so, that didn't stop one conclusion from breaking you down: He never looked at you that way and now he never would.

You had taken it upon yourself to burn everything that had to do with Spencer and now you were sitting there with one word stuck in your throat. The only thing left to say before it was too late.

Your throat closed up and the air seemed to be a private service you hadn't paid for. You took a deep breath before looking anywhere other than the scene that was about to unfold under the flowered arch. But that only made your melancholic-natured brain hit you with a memory. Something you couldn't quite burn off.

That's what brings you back to a place. Of course Rossi had to offer his mansion to Max and Spencer for their wedding. But there had been a wedding there before Will and JJ's.

The ceremony was about to begin, so Spencer came back to your side. “I hope you don’t pull a ring out of my ear like you just did to Henry.” You said.

He let out a soft laugh and shook his head. “I won’t.” He placed a kiss on your cheek. “Though I must admit, it is an interesting idea for a proposal.”

Maybe that would have been the perfect time to tell him that marriage wasn't something you were interested in, but it was JJ's day so you didn't say anything. Although your mistake in that moment was smiling and intertwining your fingers with his, as if you were willing to wear a diamond on your ring finger.

Four years, four years ago your and Spencer's story had come to an end and yet it felt like it was just yesterday when he crossed through the door of your apartment, taking with him things you didn't think you'd miss until you heard him say. "I do.”

Nothing, nothing would be enough to compare or describe the pain you felt at that moment. It was like someone invaded your chest, ripped your heart out in one go and left you with a void that would sprout cobwebs because no one would be enough to fill that hollow space on you.

When Spencer went to prison it was one of the hardest times both had to deal as a couple and as individuals. But it was something both managed to deal with together and maybe that's what gave him the wrong message.

Of course, how not to misinterpret the nights you hugged him after every nightmare, how not to misinterpret the millions of letters and finally how not to misinterpret the constant visits that made you a little negligent at work, which would have justified your dismissal if Emily were a different chief.

Maybe if you hadn't been there that day…

You were filling your coffee cup when Penelope showed up, waiting for you to put down the coffee pot so she could fill her cute octopus cup which is currently Spencer's and is named Mildred.

“Why are you so quiet?” You asked before putting the coffee pot back.

“Me? Quiet?” Despite her efforts, there was that telltale tone in her voice.

“Yeah, you. You didn’t give me any of those typical Penelope Garcia witty greetings.” A mocking smile formed on your lips.

“I’m completely fine, I just don’t have any witty greetings today.” She excused herself without looking at you and dedicated to filling her cup.

“Mhm, yes, of course.” You looked at her under the light of the five hundred and sixty hours of your profiling course. “You have a secret. That is the reason for your silence, you are afraid that if you speak you might say something that I should not know.”

You were amused that she was still able to look at you in surprise knowing full well that she was working with more profilers than her sanity could handle. “I’ll just say that you should get a manicure.” She looked straight at your nails before gracefully turning around and heading back to her cave.

Maybe that must have made you laugh a little, but you didn't need to be a great profiler to understand what the hell she was talking about.

A week.

That's how long it had been since Penelope gave you a big little spoiler of what your future would be like if you didn't do something about it, so you decided to do the worst thing you could think of and you were avoiding Spencer at all costs. And even though you two were technically still together, your apartment felt empty without his light.

The cobblestones were slippery from the rain and your fingers were frozen. Before pushing open the door of the building you blew into your hands, hoping that your breath would bring the warmth you needed.

Finally the elevator dropped you off at your floor and you only had to walk a little to get to the door of your apartment but…

“We need to talk.” His tone retained that sweetness that was only meant for you, but the weight of the situation was evident in the hint of seriousness that carried in his voice.

“There’s nothing to talk about.” You brushed it off as you approached to greet him with a short kiss.

He kissed you back, because well he couldn’t help it. “There isn’t? I say we definitely need to talk.” He said as you opened the door to your apartment. “It’s not normal for you to avoid me, much less for this long.”

You left the door open for him. “I’ve just been busy.” You replied.

He closed the door behind him. “I know, we have the same job.” He sighed before walking over to you and placing his hands on your shoulders. “Please can you tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart.” Spencer had that pleading look in his bright, tortured eyes.

“Nothing’s wrong with me.” Your walls rose so high that even you felt upset with yourself.

“Then why are you avoiding me?” Spencer tried hard to keep his tone calm even though he was starting to get frustrated and irritated.

Your pulse was racing, you could feel your ears throbbing, and uncertainty added to the equation so the words came out like bullets. “Because I don’t want to marry you!”

Spencer stood still in place, not even blinking. “…Just with me?” His weak words were a huge contrast to yours which sounded like thunder, the kind of thunder that sets things on fire.

“With no one, I don’t want to marry you or anyone else.” You quickly clarified with a brusqueness that didn’t help improve the tension. “Why ruin everything when our relationship is perfect as it is?”

He shook his head. “No, it’s not.” Spencer took a step back and let out an exasperated sigh. “In all these years of dating, why haven’t you ever said anything?” He ran a hand through his hair, trying to remember if he’d misunderstood everything. “I don’t get it. I made advances and you seemed okay with it.”

“Well, you never asked me directly.” You excused yourself.

“You know very well that I always wanted a family.” He reminded you in a firm tone. “When I got out of prison you were always there and I thought you would still be there…” He couldn’t control the pain that materialized in his eyes.

“I’ll be here, not the way you want but I’ll be here.” You tried to keep away the desperation in your words from being evident.

"If you weren't planning on marrying me, why waste all these years of my life? It's too late for me now." You hoped your words hadn't hurt him like his words hurt you right now, because if that was the case then you had hurt him deeply.

“Too late for what?” You asked with annoyance, although fearing the answer.

“To find someone who is ready.” Spencer blurted out as if it were nothing, as if he hadn’t just dropped a bomb on the most fragile building.

Of course, just because you weren't ready didn't mean someone else wasn't.

You nodded, a grimace appearing on your face. “Well, you’re not the only one wasting time on this relationship. I’m glad to tell you it’s over.” A new ounce of cruelty was added with each word.

It's funny how it would never have occurred to you to hurt Spencer in any way, but at that moment you just wanted to make him feel more miserable than you. Which wasn't hard to achieve, but it would be hard to forgive.

His face lost its anger and turned into a sad disbelief. “What? No, I don’t want to break up.” He shook his head multiple times. “Please no, I’m so sorry about what I said, I don’t have an excuse and I understand that you’re upset but…” You didn’t let him finish.

“I said it’s over.” You spoke firmly, emphasizing each word.

Spencer murmured your name in a pleading tone. “Please don’t do this, I love you.” It was the first time that phrase was used as a desperate attempt to not lose you instead of being a way to express how he felt about you.

That almost softened your heart, but unfortunately for him, one of your worst qualities was resentment. And yet, despite all that, he loved you.

You didn't even give him an answer, much less look at him. Both knew that someone had to give in to save whatever was left of your relationship, but you were too proud and he wasn't willing to continue humiliating himself. So he ended up leaving. Maybe if you had said something…

The days after the breakup were tough, especially since both work together and neither was willing to give up their jobs. Although after Penelope left, Matt and Spencer were assigned to special missions and you didn't see him very often anymore. Still, you could recognize the strength of both for putting up with a couple of years working together. Although you and him receive the occasional scolding from Emily for arguing in the middle of a case.

In the meantime, it was already dark and the sun had gone along with your ability to feel happy for two people who definitely deserved it. You knew, you knew it was the right thing to do and yet it still didn't feel that way.

Unfortunately, the melancholy of the night was accompanied by a revelation or maybe it was just the longing for what if...? If what if were a reality, you would have been married to Spencer for years, you would possibly already have his childrens, and perhaps everything would be perfect, or perhaps not, it was something you would never know.

They say it's never too late but this time it was. Now Max had the chance to take the Reid name even though she preferred to keep her maiden name. You wondered what you would do in her place, probably the same but you didn't have the chance to make that choice. You took that chance away from yourself.

There were at least five couples on the dance floor, including Max, who was dancing with her dad.

You frowned at not finding Spencer, but then it seemed like your longing summoned him because you heard his voice. That unrecognizable voice that you could never forget, which would be the protagonist of your dreams and torments.

“I have to admit, you impress me.” He sounded much more relaxed now, of course, his wife had that effect on him. You knew that when Max stayed by his side after Cat Adams.

“Why?” You knew the answer, but you wanted it to come out of his lips.

“If it was your wedding I wouldn’t have even shown up.” The ease with which he admitted the truth caught you off guard. “I guess you’re stronger than me, you always were.” No, that’s not true.

“Strong people don’t run away.” You had the opportunity that very few people have, correct Spencer Reid.

“I guess you’re the exception.” Then he extended a hand in your direction. “Dance with me.”

You stared at his palm for seconds disguised as minutes. “You hate dancing.” You muttered.

“Yes, but I know I would hate myself more if I didn’t end this in a proper way.” There it was, the Spencer you knew. Now someone else’s Spencer.

So you took his hand and he led you to the dance floor. Once he put his hand on your waist and you put your hand on his shoulder the rest of the people disappeared for you and secretly for him too.

Both swayed in silence to the slow ballad. Inevitably your eyes fell on the ring that wrapped around his finger perfectly, regret maybe prompting you to speak. “Would you have waited for me to be ready?” You whispered.

“Would you ever have been ready?” Reid murmured, this time not meaning to hurt you but he did it anyway.

You squeezed his hand a little. “I’m ready now.” Your words were low, but without hesitation, not this time. Who needed alcohol to make a strong statement?

Spencer sighed and pulled you closer to him, placing his hand on your back. “You’re being cruel right now.” He spoke in a low tone, but firm and calm at the same time.

“Please.” You pleaded. “I just need an answer.”

He swallowed. “Yes, I would’ve waited for you.” He whispered in your ear.

The party continues, with dancing, drinks and several kisses that you were not the protagonist of but bitterly had to witness.

You couldn't take it anymore, so you grabbed your coat and bag before heading for the exit. Since you had a reputation for being a runaway, you didn't bother to say goodbye to your friends, much less the happy newlyweds.

“Wait.” Whatever you want.

You stood still in your spot, waiting for him to come to you. “You can’t leave without your slice of cake.” Spencer handed you the plate and gave one of those smiles that hadn’t been directed at you in years.

There were a thousand things you wanted to say to him. But only one thing made it past your lips. “Thank you.”

He nodded. “Wait, I have something else for you.” Then he pulled something out of his trousers pocket.

That couldn’t be what your eyes were seeing, so you closed them and blinked multiple times. But he was still holding that beautiful engagement ring. “This was always for you, even if it doesn’t have the meaning I once wanted it to have now.”

Used to mean something, but now it means nothing.

You didn't take the ring, you just watched Reid in silence. He had chosen perfectly well…

At your silence he spoke again. “I heard some men recycle them. You know they buy an engagement ring for one woman and if they get rejected they save it for the next one. I couldn’t do that to Max, or you either.” He took your hand, extending your palm and placing the ring on it.

“No, I can’t accept that and I don’t think Max would be okay with this…” Your eyes remained fixed on the piece of silver and diamonds.

“It doesn’t mean anything now.” Ouch. “It did before and if it were still like this she would definitely be upset and me too.” Spencer clarified. “But now I want this to mark the end of what was supposed to be a beginning.” He paused. “I won’t force you to accept it, but I know the man who loved you would’ve wanted you to have it.”

You closed your palm around the ring. “Don’t talk like he doesn’t exist anymore, Spencer. You’re still the same, you just don’t love me anymore and that’s okay, that has nothing to do with who you are.” The word love ripped through your throat.

“It had everything to do with what I was.” He confessed.

The silence reigned long enough for both to turn around, walking further and further away and returning to the place where they now belonged.

With every step you took you wished that he would catch you and never let you go, not this time. But it was too late to do anything, trying anything now would be fighting a battle you know is lost.

And finally, the only thing left was a story. One last souvenir from a journey as special as it was devastating. Your name will always be present in the stories Spencer will tell his children, the same stories that will be within your reach, but the story isn’t yours anymore.

#criminal minds #spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #angst #fanfiction #larfetfanfic #larfetramblings

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dronningreid · 6 months ago

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HOW (NOT) CATCH A FIREFLY

↳ In which reader has to face the consequences of her past decisions when she goes to Spencer's wedding. Will it be too late to redeem the past?

main masterlist | my previous fanfic