#kurt is saying 'ouch' because he has just been told he is not God

[fiercestpurpose]

Nightcrawler (2002) is not a great comic, but it gets points for doing this eye thing:

[ID: A comic panel showing Kurt Wagner. It is a close-up on his blue face. His eyes are glowing like a cat’s at night, and he is melting into the blackness on the right half of the panel. There is also a speech bubble. Kurt is saying “Ouch.” End ID.]

[klaineanummel]

unexpected 5/24?

Blaine Anderson was just about the last thing Professor Kurt Hummel expected out of a TA.

This chapter I’m finally doing the day 3 prompt for @klaineadvent which is “camera”. After this I’m going to try really hard to actually keep to the prompt of the day for each chapter. I swear, I’ll stop cheating ;) 

Enjoy some Klaine chats!! I’m hoping to post two more chapters tomorrow, but don’t want to make any promises. Either way, I hope you enjoy!!

Read on AO3  | Previous Chapter

Monday passes relatively harmlessly, mostly because Kurt is still fairly hungover from Saturday, and has to focus all his energy on not appearing that way to his students and co-workers.

On Tuesday he gets up bright and early for an 8am graduate seminar, which goes just as smoothly as he expected. Afterwards, he has a half hour to kill before his office hours begin, and he makes good use of it by heading to Starbucks and absolutely inhaling a cup of coffee.

He sits in the shop for a short while, looking over his notes for his two afternoon seminars. Then, once he realizes he needs to get a move on to reach his office in time, he packs his things up and is on his way.

He definitely would have made it on time, too. If it weren’t for…

Well, Blaine. Obviously.

He catches sight of him halfway to his office. His walk slows without him meaning to, taking in the man. He’s wearing a sweater vest, of all things, paired with a matching bowtie, and thick-rimmed glasses. All in all, it’s a bit too much for Kurt to take.

He’s also chatting with a young, tall black girl. The girl is dressed far more fashionably, with a flowy blouse tucked into a chic short skirt. She has a camera hanging from her neck, and what Kurt assumes is a camera bag slung over her shoulder.

From the looks of it, Blaine is far more interested in the conversation than she is.

Before Kurt can even begin to make assumptions about what he’s witnessing, the girl lifts a hand in a silent wave, and begins to walk away. Blaine looks like he says, “Okay,” before he moves in as though to hug the girl. She doesn’t seem to notice the action, and she begins to stride away with purpose, leaving Blaine with his arms awkwardly outstretched to nobody.

Kurt moves toward the man, wincing a little as he does. “Ouch,” he says once he’s close enough for Blaine to hear him.

Blaine finally drops his arms as he turns to Kurt with a surprised, “Professor Hummel!” His hands close into fists, then immediately unclench. “I wasn’t expecting to see you there.”

“I’m just on my way to my office hours,” Kurt says, head vaguely gesturing in the direction he’s headed. He then glances over to where the girl has disappeared into the crowd of students. “A friend of yours?”

Blaine’s smile is thin, but his eyes go to where Kurt’s were just a moment ago. “My daughter, Jane.”

Right, of course. Blaine had told him he had a twenty-one-year-old daughter. “Oh,” Kurt says.

“Yeah, she’s meeting some friends soon, doing a photography shoot. She’s studying photography at NYU.” Despite the sad smile on his face, Kurt can hear the pride in his voice as he says it. “She’s just in a bit of a hurry. You know, kids.”

Kurt, feeling like an absolute moron, raises his left hand to show off his bare ring finger and says, “I don’t, sorry.”

“Right, jeez,” Blaine shakes his head. “Because not everybody has children, which I am fully aware of. Sorry, I’m a little scattered right now.”

“It’s no problem.” Kurt says, swallowing the it’s kind of cute, actually. “Do you want to… walk and talk?”

Blaine smiles at that, and nods. Kurt turns to begin his walk once more, this time with Blaine in two. “So,” Kurt says. “Are things with your daughter…?” he trails off, unsure of what to say.

“Complicated,” Blaine finishes for him. “Quite complicated.” Kurt glances over and sees that Blaine is looking very determinedly at the ground. “With my son, as well.”

“Is it too much if I ask why?”

Blaine looks up at him, brow furrowed. “Do you make a habit of offering walking therapy to your TA’s?”

Kurt shakes his head, looking away as a flush creeps over his face. “God, I’m so sorry. That was incredibly inappropriate, wasn’t it? I’m really—”

“No, I’m sorry. That sounded way more serious than I meant it.” Blaine is smiling now, eyes wide. “I just wanted to know if I should feel special because of this, or if this is just normal Dr. Kurt Hummel behavior.” There’s a tease in his eyes, and it makes Kurt’s stomach flip.

His throat is slightly hoarse as he whispers, “Of course you’re special.” He sees the way Blaine’s eyebrows shoot up, and much louder says, “I mean – no, yes. I like to lend a helping ear to my TA’s. You know, be there for them when they need me.” And then, as if things couldn’t get any worse, he says, “I’m not like a regular boss, I’m a cool boss.”

If the earth could just swallow him whole, that would be wonderful.

Blaine is chuckling now, and Kurt is glad that at least one of them is getting some enjoyment out of this.

God, he feels stupid. He feels like a teenager, not a fully-grown adult about to enter his forties. He’s almost been married, for god’s sake. He doesn’t understand why he feels like Blaine is the first gay man he’s ever met.

He doesn’t even know if Blaine is gay, for fuck’s—

“Well, for the record,” Blaine says, gently bumping their shoulders together. “I like the idea of being special.”

Oh, okay.

Kurt’s throat still feels a little dry as he asks, “Really?”

Blaine rolls his eyes ever so slightly as he says, “What can I say, I’ve always been a bit of an attention whore.”

It’s Kurt’s turn to laugh. Blaine laughs with him, moving in so that their shoulders bump again. It makes Kurt’s heart race.

“Thank you, Professor Hummel,” Blaine says. “Looks like your walking therapy is a success.”

“Well, then, job done.” Kurt grins at the older man, who smiles back warmly. He wants to say more, wants to tell Blaine that he didn’t actually answer Kurt’s question as to why things are complicated with his children, but he knows he’s already toed the unprofessional line a little too much for one conversation.

Besides, they’ve reached the building in which Kurt’s office is, and Blaine says, “I should probably leave you to it. I have a class in a bit, anyways.”

“Right,” Kurt says. “Well, um. Thank you for walking with me, Blaine.”

Blaine’s eyes sparkle as he says, “Thank you for making me feel special, Professor Hummel.”

Kurt feels frozen on the spot as Blaine begins to walk away. His heart pounds in his chest, and his palms feel beyond sweaty.

He shakes his head and forces himself into the building. He’s already late for his office hours, so he really needs to get a move on.

As he waits for his elevator, he thinks about his upcoming date on Saturday, and the way his heart is still beating frantically in his chest.

Maybe he should try and move the date up sooner. He can already tell that this will be a long week.

Chapter Six - Feed

[notthetoothfairy]

KLAINE ADVENT 2017: LoveSick (19/24)

Summary: Kurt has SCID and can’t leave his house. Ever. Luckily, Blaine moves in next door.

A/N: A fic?!?!?! Yes, my dears, after what feels like an eternity, I finally wrote a new thing. I was going to do just one prompt for @klaineadvent​ but - ha ha ha, and ho ho ho - never mind, I wrote an entire story.

The plot is loosely based on “Everything Everything”. Saw it on the plane, didn’t end up liking it all that much but I loooved the premise for Klaine, so here it is. :D It’s not all that realistic, sorry about that, but I tried to make it as accurate as possible!

Beta: @a-simple-rainbow (who’s surprised? not us - we’re basically fandom wives)

Read: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7 | 8 | 9 | 10 | 11 | 12 | 13 | 14 | 15 | 16 | 17 | 18 | 19 | 20 | 21 | 22 | 23 | 24

Read on: AO3

TALK

Kurt’s eyes open for the fraction of a second before he shuts them again with a groan. Too much light everywhere.

“Kurt! Kurt, can you hear me?”

“Yeah, dad,” Kurt mumbles, blinking furiously to get used to the brightness. “What… ugh.” He squints, spots his dad sitting to the left of his bed, Carole standing behind him in full nursing gear. “What’s going on?”

“What’s going on is you were out cold for a little more than a week,” his dad says brokenly. “Don’t you ever scare me like that again, buddy.”

“A week?!” Kurt asks.

Burt leans in close, careful not to touch Kurt. “I am so thankful to have you back, Kurt. I was so worried.”

“We were both scared,” Carole pitches in, squeezing Burt’s shoulder. “You had a very bad fever, it knocked you out almost instantly. But you’re a fighter, Kurt. Thank goodness for that.”

“I’m sorry you were worried,” Kurt whispers.

He lets his dad and Carole fuss over him for a while, going over the usual post-illness protocol. They take his temperature, test his blood levels and give him water and medication. Kurt tries to concentrate on his typical breathing exercise, wiggles all his toes and fingers one by one to regain control over his body.

It’s been a long time since he’s been this sick, he had such a good streak going.

“What happened…?” he asks. “What could have-” He blinks again, slower this time. It all comes back to him, the kiss, the phone call. “Oh.”

“Yeah.” His dad raises his eyebrows at Kurt’s grimace. “Oh.”

Kurt closes his eyes. “Fuck.”

“Kurt.”

“I don’t give a damn about language right now, dad.”

“Not what I’m Kurt-ing you about,” Burt says, pinching his nose slowly.

“A lecture, then?” Kurt sighs. “I know what I did was stupid, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Well, yes, but mostly I’m worried about what I have to tell you next.”

Kurt frowns. “Dad,” he says warningly.

“Kurt,” his dad says again, clearly trying to stay stern. “It’s about Blaine.”

“What about Blaine, dad?” Kurt asks in a matching tone.

His dad is silent for a second but at Kurt’s glare, he says, “He’s not coming over here again again.”

“Are you insane?!” Kurt yells, sitting up a bit too quickly. “Ouch.” He waves his hand in his dad and Carole’s direction. “Get off me! What do you mean I’m not seeing Blaine again?”

“Kurt,” his dad says weakly.

“Don’t ‘Kurt’ me again!” Kurt says, tears welling up in his eyes. It’s too bright, he’s confused, and he longs for Blaine. “I want to see Blaine. In person, I mean.”

“Kurt, he got you sick.”

“Not on purpose!” Kurt cries out. “It wasn’t even his fault, I kissed him!”

“Well, no matter whose fault it was, it got you sick, so-”

“So you’re telling me I can’t see Blaine because I might die,” Kurt spits. “Lovely. Just lovely.” He crosses his arms. “You know what, dad? If I had the chance to go back in time, I would do the same thing all over again. It was amazing, and I don’t regret it one bit.”

“And that’s exactly why he can’t be here. For now, I mean. Until we get you a proper match for a bone-marrow transplant,” Burt says, sighing. “Kurt, I know you’re young and in love and it feels like that’s the most important thing in the world right now.”

“Dad, I’ve been trapped in the same house for my whole life, every day the same routine.” A tear escapes as he looks at his dad. “Blaine’s the best thing that ever happened to me. I never thought I could even have something like what I have with Blaine. For the first time I feel like I’m not limited by this stupid genetic disorder, and now you’re telling me-” He breaks off, swallows another rush of tears. “You’re telling me that I am. Limited. Not normal. A freak.” He shakes his head. “Oh, wait, until I get my transplant. Like that’s happening anytime soon. It’s only been 17 years!”

His dad looks at him, conflicted, and for a moment Kurt thinks he’s going to change his mind.

“Kurt, that’s – look, I want you to live your life without limitations.” Another pause. “But I also want you to live your life. For you that means something different than it does for other kids, it just does.” Kurt tries to interrupt but his dad silences him. “Let me talk just for now? I know you think we’re being horrible. But tell you what – think about how Blaine felt. He was up all night crying when he saw what happened, his parents had to call a doctor because he was having a panic attack. We were supposed to update him over the phone but he couldn’t even breathe enough to listen to us tell him you were probably going to be fine.”

Kurt gasps. “He did?” he asks in a small voice. “Is he okay?”

“He’s fine now. We’ve all had a week to adjust… and now it’s your turn.”

Kurt finds himself at a loss of words. “Dad, how do you expect me… I mean… I don’t-” He breathes in slowly, tries again. “You’re telling me Blaine’s better off without me.”

“No. I think you two are in love, and it’s wonderful, but this… thing is getting in the way, and sometimes life sucks. Sometimes you have to make a tough decision for the better. For now.”

“You’re wrong. You must be wrong.”

“Kurt… I talked to Blaine about this.” Burt purses his lips. “And he agrees.”

“No,” Kurt whispers, heart leaping out of his chest. “You’re lying.”

Carole steps closer.

“We’re hitting a dead end here. Maybe we should just let Blaine talk to him?” she asks Burt.

Burt sighs. “Yeah, we should let the boys settle this.”

“Settle?” Kurt laughs hollowly. “Apparently you’re all in agreement and my only option is to surrender.”

Nobody argues with that. Instead of getting upset, Kurt might as well hit his head against the wall repeatedly. Same difference.

“You have a few missed calls,” his father says as he passes him his phone from the desk. “We’ll leave you alone now. Holler if you need us.”

“Oh, so you’re not afraid I might die if you breathe the same air as me?!” Kurt yells after them venomously.

His missed calls are from Blaine and Rachel – who else would be calling – but he ignores Rachel’s calls and texts for now. If he texts back, she’s going to want to talk immediately, and he just needs to be in the clear about his relationship. If Blaine is going to break up with his, Kurt wants to know right now.

He dials the number and lets his rage wash through him freely. Blaine won’t know what hit him. Breaking up with him over a stupid fever. Over their first kiss, no less – the nerve of him!

Blaine picks up after the first ring, and Kurt can see out of the corner of his eye how he rushes to the bedroom window and puts his hand on the glass, as if reaching out to Kurt.

“Kurt, oh my god, you’re up,” Blaine’s breathy voice comes on the line. “Kurt, I thought- oh, I- I love you so much, I’m so glad you’re better. You are better, aren’t you? Carole said you were doing a bit better yesterday, so I’m just assuming that-”

Kurt deflates in an instant. With the loss of his rage, the helplessness come back immediately.

“What are you, some kind of monster?” he asks through tears. “Who says ‘I love you’ right before breaking up with someone?”

He pierces Blaine with an icy stare all the way from his bed, and watches as Blaine’s eyebrows rise as high as his hairline.

“I- I- what?!” he sputters. “Kurt, what…?”

“You’re breaking up with me,” Kurt says as matter-of-factly as he can manage, swallowing his tears and pride. “Dad told me.”

“No, no, wait, you’re getting something wrong there,” Blaine says frantically. “I’m not breaking up with you. Obviously. I love you! But… we all agreed that waiting is the safest option, that maybe it’s best if we’re not in the same room until-”

“Donor match, yadda yadda yadda, transplant, yeah, I get it, Blaine.” Kurt rolls his eyes and lets his head sink against the pillow. He doesn’t want to look at Blaine while they go over this. “Listen. I’ve been alive 17 years. Do you know how many donors have come knocking on my door? Zero, nilch, nada – none at all, okay?! Are you telling me you want to wait a hundred fucking years for some random miracle that lets me be with you?”

Blaine sighs on the other hand. “Obviously I’m hoping it’ll be sooner. But I will wait, no matter what.”

“Yeah, well, it won’t be sooner.”

“I got myself tested, you know?” Blaine asks. “Cooper and mom and dad, too. Even Wes and David, and some of the New Directions, too.”

Kurt frowns at his ceiling. “What?” he asks.

“I will wait,” Blaine repeats. “The results are not back yet. Maybe we’re a match. Maybe someone’s a match.”

Kurt shakes his head. “Blaine…”

“What? You have that tone of voice that makes me feel like a naïve kid.”

“Well…” Kurt hesitates. “I love that you’re optimistic and that you want to do this for me. But you’re not as trained in disappointment as I am.”

“I just think we shouldn’t rule it out as a possibility. You never know!” Blaine says. “And… Kurt?”

“Yes, Blaine?”

“Look at me, please?”

Kurt sits up again, and this time the gaze he fixes Blaine with is nothing but want. He’s thrilled to find Blaine looking back with the same intensity.

“I love you,” Blaine says, tracing a line on his window that Kurt suspects might be where his own face is. “And I miss you. But I’d rather have you be safe and sound with me being all the way over here than risk losing you by being close to you.”

Kurt feels warmth spreading inside of him.

“I love you, too. But you know it wasn’t just your presence that got me sick.”

“I do,” Blaine admits. “But that kiss was beyond amazing and I’m afraid I might not be able to help myself around you.”

Kurt laughs. “It was, wasn’t it?”

“Definitely.”

“But,” Kurt points out, “you’re lying. I was the one who gave in, and you were the one who actually left so we wouldn’t go on. You can help yourself.”

“I might be able to,” Blaine relents. “Because I am a lot more worried about you than you are.”

“Yeah.” Kurt bites his lip guiltily. “My dad told me you went through a pretty rough time while I was out.”

“Understatement.” Blaine ducks his head, looks up at Kurt a lot more seriously than before. “Kurt, I thought you were dying. Because of me. And I just left… instead of staying and making sure you were okay. I’ve never felt so helpless.”

“Please get over that,” Kurt begs. “If that’s the reason stopping you from coming over, then… don’t let it stop you, okay?”

“It’s… it’s not.” Blaine sighs. “Partly it is. But I just honestly want us to be able to do this right. We had a taste and now we know what we’re waiting for. If you look at it from that angle, it’s almost romantic.”

“Yeah, almost.” Kurt huffs. “If you’re from the Victorian age, maybe.”

“Kurt Hummel, don’t even try to tell me you’re not a Victorian age romance kind of guy.”

“Touché.” Kurt grins at Blaine despite everything. “You’re such a dork, Blaine. I can’t believe I’m in love with you.”

“Ah, but you are.”

“I’ll miss you a lot,” Kurt confesses. “But I feel better now that I know you’re not actually just staying out of my life for good.”

“Hey, I’ll be right here and we’ll talk like this, just like in the beginning.” Blaine leans against the window and puts his foot up on the window sill like he usually does when they talk on the phone for a few hours. “I’m waiting, I promise.”

Kurt closes his eyes. “Okay, good,” he finally decides. “I’m in.” After a long pause, he adds, “I’m sorry you had a panic attack. And that I put you in that position.”

“Not your fault.”

“Still.” Kurt smiles at Blaine wistfully. “Just so you know, I’m waiting for you, too.” He laughs at himself. “I mean, obviously, since I can’t leave.”

Blaine bites his lip. “Thanks,” he says half-amusedly, half-genuinely.

“You’re wondering if it’s too early to laugh out loud, aren’t you?” Kurt asks, rolling his eyes.

“Nuh-uh, I know it’s too soon.”

“Go ahead, though.”

Blaine shakes his head.

“Blaine, just do it,” Kurt says, pretending to be exasperated. “Or do I need to crack more jokes at the situation?”

Blaine waves his hand so-so. “Maybe.”

“Hm, let’s see. I’m stuck with you.”

Blaine merely cracks a smile. “Meh, not good enough. Plus, you’re stuck without me, isn’t that the point? Hate to burst your bubble that was a half-assed attempt.”

Kurt pouts. “But, Blaine, my bubble is all I have.”

There’s a second of silence before Blaine throws his head back and dissolves into giggles.

“You had that one coming,” Kurt comments wryly.

Even if he can’t meet up with Blaine anymore, he feels as close to him as ever.

[switchedatbirthgleerp-blog]

The Basics

KITTY GEORGIA WILDE is sixteen seventeen and a junior at William McKinley High School. She identifies as heterosexual and her endgame is with Jake Puckerman. She wasn’t switched at birth, but she is still waiting for her test results. She is currently dating Ryder Lynn. Unfortunately for you, she is TAKEN.

Nature vs. Nurture

Kitty is quick-witted, cunning, judgmental, and harsh, but she can also be loyal, intuitive, impatient, and stubborn.

The Story

Kitty Wilde was born on October 4th near midnight to Matthew and Ruth Wilde, a megachurch pastor and a trophy wife, and brought into a world of mansions, silver spoons and gold-embossed Bibles. From an early age, she was taught that God came first, appearances second, and anything else after that, and the Wildes kept up their appearance as the perfect, blond, beautiful family every Sunday at church. Despite the relative nightmare of being a PK (pastor’s kid), Kitty’s childhood was idyllic; she spent weekends with her best friend Marley, and she dragged the poor girl to horseriding, dancing, and gymnastics, all paid for by her father’s job. Growing up, Kitty was very aware that her mother didn’t love her father like he loved her, but she never questioned it; their relationship worked, and it provided a stable foundation for her life, so who was she to doubt it?

Despite going to a Christian school her entire life, when it came to high school, lobbied for her parents to enroll her in McKinley High, purely so that she could go to the same school as Marley and fulfill her high school dream of being a popular cheerleader, with her best friend beside her. She never had any doubt that, with her cunning nature and quick wit, she’d have the school wrapped around her little finger in no time. True to her word, she joined the cheerleading team, and despite not being captain, managed to have all the other cheerleaders bending to her every will out of pure fear. She also made her family proud and earned a brand new red convertible when she announced that she had started a celibacy club, with a respectable number of members (the majority of them being intimidated cheerleaders).

Despite her protests, Coach Sylvester insisted that she joined the Glee club, and Kitty reluctantly went to the first rehearsal of the year. Despite being completely determined to hate it, when Mr. Schue pulled her up onstage and paired her up with Jake for a dance routine, she remembered how much she’d loved her childhood dance lessons, and begrudgingly admitted to herself that she didn’t mind it. She had a confidence onstage that, despite her quick quips and attitude, she’d never really felt before. Not that she’d ever admit it, of course, if anyone asks her what she thinks, she’ll say that Mr. Schue looks like a middle-aged Chik-Fil-A employee who’s watched one too many inspirational TED talks, and that the club is full of mouth breathers on a constant sugar high.

She’d never, ever admit it, but when Sam dumped her, it damn near broke her heart. Despite what anyone thought, she really liked being with him, and she liked the feeling of being wanted. She had even considered breaking her celibacy pledge, just because she wanted to be close to him like that. It was devastating when he broke up with her. Ryder’s sweet and all, but let’s be real, he’s a total rebound, and she doesn’t know if she’ll feel the same way about another guy anytime soon. Sam made her put some walls up that will take a lot of work for any guy to break down, and she vowed to never let another guy break her heart like that. When you’re Kitty Wilde, you don’t get your heart broken; you break them instead.

Major Connections

Marley Fabray: Kitty has always been one of Marley’s best friends since they met in Sunday School. The two have almost no secrets and can frequently be found walking the halls of McKinley together - well, when they aren’t with their boyfriends, at least. Of course, they can be a bit competitive, especially since Kitty really wanted that head Cheerio position, but they’re more likely to team up against others than themselves. They know all of the other’s secrets, including the fact that Marley actually has had sex and that Kitty actually made out with Mason.

Mason McCarthy: Kitty assumed Mason was gay for the longest time, so she might’ve acted differently around him than she would’ve otherwise, like by touching him more and treating him like a GBF. Then she found out he was straight (or at least that he liked girls), and, not going to lie, she kind of got interested. And maybe after Kitty and Sam broke up they made out once and Mason has a huge crush on her, but she’s with Ryder now and she doesn’t intend on changing things.

Sam Evans: So these two dated and everything seemed fine to Kitty. Sam was a gentleman who never pressured her to do anything against her religion (even if she sometimes wanted him to). She got him to join glee club and they had fun together, and she thought they were at least cute together…And then Sam dumped her rather abruptly only to start dating one of Kitty’s least favorite people, Santana, like, a day later. Yikes. And Kitty doesn’t even know Sam cheated on her with Kurt, though she assumes he cheated on her with Santana. Double yikes. And now Kitty is dating Sam’s best friend. Triple fucking yikes.

Ryder Lynn: Okay, so when Sam cheated on her, Kitty was honestly heartbroken. But hell hath no fury like a woman scorned, and a Kitty Wilde scorned? Ouch. Much worse. So when she realized Ryder was available, Kitty easily got him in her grips and soon the two were dating. Ryder does actually like Kitty, at least a little, but she’s also really bossy and obviously hates his best friend, so he’s confused. He'd love to double date with Sam and his girlfriend, Santana, like he does with Marley and Noah, but Kitty would never let that happen.

Rachel McCarthy: They don’t like each other purely because Rachel and Marley don’t get along. While Kitty thinks she would’ve made a better captain than Marley, she can’t stand that Rachel thinks she’s better than her best friend and refuses to put up with that BS. Marley can bite when need be, but Kitty’s got claws. Rachel would have no qualms with Kitty if it wasn’t for the fact that she defends Marley and that she attacks her best friend, Santana. Because of that, it’s war.

Santana Lopez: Kitty is besties with Marley and Santana is besties with Rachel. Marley and Rachel don’t get along, so Kitty and Santana don’t get along. They’re also pretty loud and opinionated and rude, so they just don’t get along well. And, to just make it even worse, Santana is dating (well, “dating”) Sam, Kitty’s ex, and they started dating pretty much a day after Sam broke up with Kitty. Naturally, Kitty assumes Sam cheated on her with Santana, so she hates her guts even more now. Since Santana has promised not to out Sam, she hasn’t told Kitty the truth. 

Jake Puckerman: Kitty drives Jake crazy, and the feeling is mutual. Kitty finds his whole “bad boy” schtick hilarious and fake as hell, and Jake feels the same way about her attempt at seeming pure. The two of them tend to disagree on everything, but as the two best dancers in glee club, they often get paired together for dances. And their chemistry? It’s off the charts. Maybe if Kitty stopped being so stuck-up and Jake stopped pretending to be some brooding badboy they could actually get along, and maybe even be more than friends. But for now, they just bicker and argue while Kitty goes off holding hands with Ryder.

[linalove4561]

Rich Goranski Masterpost

Alright, this one is going to be a lot longer than my Kurt and Ram one just because Rich has a lot more character, and differences between the book and the musical.  Let’s fucking do this.

MUSICAL:

~ Appearance, Gerard Canonico.  Light brunette hair spiked up.  Earrings, short.  A blue popganda x mishka muscle tee with an eye in the middle.  ( Christ, I love that shirt. )  He pairs this with camo pants.  He’s also seen wearing a red, blue, and white button up flannel.  He’s lacking the streak in the musical.  He also has a lisp.

~ At the start of the musical, he is instantly revealed to be a bully and a stereotypical douchey guy character.  He shoves Jeremy, writes BOYF on his backpack, threatens him into not removing the words, and then goes to talk to Jake about sex.  He also calls Jeremy gay.

~ During the Squip Song, Rich reveals that he feels bad for bullying Jeremy and that his Squip told him to do it.  He shows genuine remorse for his actions.  We also see he is extremely frustrated with the confirmation that he was practically invisible, not even a loser like Jeremy noticed him.  Then he gives the explanation of the Squip, and Jeremy is convinced to get one of his own.

~ They also describe Rich talking to his Squip like he’s getting a message from beyond, muttering under his breath and twitching.  It’s creepy.

~ Rich is beyond thrilled when Jeremy receives his Squip.  He seems happy that he finally has a Squip buddy, bombarding Jeremy instantly with an invitation to play video games with him.

~ In this part, a major thing is revealed.  Jeremy’s Squip prompts him to give Rich a “finder’s fee,” and Rich is beyond grateful.  He thanks Jeremy, and explains that things are kind of rough at home.  This makes me think that Rich had been planning on using the money from selling the Squip to provide himself with something that his parents couldn’t afford or were too neglectful to provide.

~ I’d also like to point out here that Rich has a box of Squip pills in his locker, which only makes me believe that Rich is selling them for money since things are so bad at home.

END OF ACT 1

~ Halloween, a major turning point for Rich.  It’s revealed he has an older brother, and he dresses as Jason--quite half assed.  He takes the mask and pairs it with a loaf of bread.  He seems genuinely fine until the very end of the song, where he proceeds to dance on his own.  Desperate.  And then he starts bugging people for Mountain Dew Red.  He wants to be rid of his Squip, and without a way out, he lights the house up.

~ There are many theories about what led Rich to want his Squip gone, but I personally think he drank with the Squip on.  In Smartphone Hour, it’s said that Rich had barely touched a drop.  Implying he had at least SOMETHING to drink.  That, and in an ask, Joe said himself that Jenna and Dustin were not reliable sources.  In the book, he was also drunk with his Squip on.  However, that’s the book, not the musical, so that doesn’t apply here. We’ll get to the book shortly.

~ We don’t see any Rich after this point until after everything's said and done.  Rich comes to the conclusion that he’s bi.  He’s confident in himself and the fact that both the ladies and the guys will love the real Rich Goranski.  He also shows a genuine joy and hope that Michael told him that someone would be lucky to have him.  Until Michael closes the curtain on him.  Rude.

~ Another few things I’d like to address just for shits and giggles.  In a few asks with Joe, it's been revealed that Rich would ask Michael to prom.  It was also revealed that his Squip is Evil Kermit, and that he’s confident with his burn scars.

BOOK:

God, I’m not ready for this.  Yes, I am.  Let’s do it.

~ Appearance, Rich is described as a shorter boy, but still built.  He has blond hair with a streak that makes him look like a rooster. He has a lisp in the book as well, with Jeremy saying he sounds like a snake when he talks.

~ Rich is also shown as a bully/douchey character in the book as well.  When he enters during the lunchroom scene, he calls Michael a tall ass as well as Jeremy.  Then calls them punks.  And the next time we see him, it’s in the bathroom where he continues to bully Jeremy by calling him a fudge packer and taunting him.  We also see here that he’s extremely confident, as Jeremy goes on to describe, “He hitches his pants like his penis is so huge, he has to take special precautionary measures getting it out.”

~ When Jeremy goes to the party, he is greeted by Rich, who despite knowing it’s Jeremy under the mask, speaks with him and offers him sips of his scotch.  They proceed to go inside, and Rich talks Jeremy’s ear off.  It seems Rich doesn’t really mind that Jeremy isn’t listening the entire time, almost like Rich just likes the sound of his own voice.

~ After his ramblings on Chloe, her threesome, and lack of an ability to wear panties, Rich shows off his skills.  Showing off how fucking pimping he is by getting a girl named Samartha (dressed like wonder woman) to make out with him and lick his belly button with little to no convincing.  He’s just that cool.

~ Just kidding.  He then proceeds to tell Jeremy about the Squip.  Bonus, Rich is dressed as a giant weed leaf.

~ His description of the Squip is near identical to the wording used in the Squip song.  And just like in the musical, it’s revealed that he feels bad for bullying Jeremy.  To quote the book, ““I’m personally sorry for treating you like a piece of garbage all the time.” Rich looks humble and reverent.  “I only do it because my Squip tells me to.  It advised me that I’d have to be a dick to you for social reasons, but recently it started saying that you were a decent guy actually who might want one of your own.””

~ During this, we actually get a little inside info on what Rich’s Squip did with him.  The first thing his Squip did was teach him to get girls, then to do sports and get muscles.  Then it told him who to befriend and who to make enemies with.  ( He mentions Jeremy was a minor part.)  Then it got him with all three of the hot girls to solidify his social standing.

~ Just like in the musical, Rich is hella hyped that Jeremy has his own Squip.  And just like in the musical, Jeremy is prompted to give Rich a finder’s fee and Rich reveals, “Things are kinda bad at my house.”

~ After this, Rich takes Jeremy to his dank and creepy place to smoke and shit.  He backs Jeremy up on one of his claims and then takes off with a girl.  (Whom also licked his belly button.)

~ At the party, Jeremy is dragged away by Rich to watch Jake have sex.  Rich is a creep who watches cool guys have sex, shout out to him.

~ Rich’s laugh is, “Blukhuhuhuhuhuh.”

~ Without his Squip on, we see that Rich can be pretty cute and dorky on his own.  He throws his shoe and an ashtray at Jeremy while having a friendly, teasing conversation with him.  After this, he teases Jeremy for talking to his Squip out loud, then exits.  The next we hear about him is that he set a fire and is badly burned.

~ Continuing on the Rich is a dork topic, Jeremy thinks about him when informed of the fire, and thinks, “The last time I saw Rich he was smiling at me.  I think about how no matter how cool Rich got, he returned to his dork roods at the end, throwing that ashtray at me and whining, alone on a couch.”

~ Jeremy also reveals that Rich was drunk with his Squip on.  That Rich had had a Squip for months, and he was probably experimenting with it to see what it could take.  His Squip confirms this is most likely the case.  This reveals why Rich most likely set the fire in the book, seeing as earlier Jeremy’s Squip said that Jeremy couldn’t drink/get high with him on or he might start ordering him to kill people.

~ Back at school, Jeremy takes note that Rich has flowers in front of his locker, however, Jake has more.  Because he was cooler.  (Ouch, my heart.)  Jeremy also takes obvious disgust in the fact that all these people pretend to care even though they really don’t.

~ That’s about it for the book.  We don’t get much closure with Rich.  But I’d also like to point out that Rich has an obvious belly button fetish.  Throughout the book, two girls are seen licking his belly button.  Samartha and Abby.  Jeremy also takes note that, “That must be his thing.”  Later on, Jeremy also finds it slightly odd that Rich is lounging without a girl attached to his belly button.

[jammie3132]

The Break Up

Fandom: Glee Characters: Blaine & Sebastian, Sam Words: 918 Summary: Sebastian goes to Sam to try and understand why Blaine broke up with him. Note: Seblaine Spring Fling Quote “It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them— Agatha Christie. I know Spring Fling is on May 6th, and much love to those that organized it, but this had to be posted today. When you read you will see why.

The past 36 hours had been the most surreal of Sebastian’s life. Yesterday Blaine had broken up with him. Today he was in the house of Blaine’s ex, talking to Blaine’s best friend about how he could fix things.

“He broke up with me Sam. He called me an insensitive asshole that never listened. He compared me to Hummel!”

Sam tried not to laugh at Sebastian who sat in a chair with his elbows on his knees and head in his hands. It was funny because Blaine had been in the exact same position the night before “Well, one of Blaine’s major complaints about Kurt was that he never listened to him.”

That got Sebastian’s attention because he was instantly out of his seat “I listen to Blaine!”  

“Really? Can you even tell me what Blaine was so upset about?”

“Something about my Lacrosse banquet.”

“And why was Blaine upset about your Lacrosse banquet?” He had known it would take a few steps until Sebastian figured things out but DAMN!

“I don’t know. That’s why I’m here” Sebastian sighed as he flopped back into the chair.

“Sebastian, what day of the week is it?”

“Thursday”

“The..?”

And…the epiphany “Oh my god! Blaine broke up with me over that stupid movie?!?”

“First of all, it is not a stupid movie. It is a cinematic classic” Sam corrected him “Dude, he talked about this for months.”

“Fine, I’ll take him Friday. What the hell is the difference?”

“Um, it has to be today, on this date.”

“This is ridiculous.”

Sam smiled and then walked over to his desk and pulled out a paper “I wrote this a couple of weeks after Blaine made the college essay video for me. My English teacher gave us a word and mine happened to be ridiculous. We had to find a quote with that word and then write an essay on why we chose the quote.”

“Sam, what does this have to do with anything?” Sebastian sighed (overdramatically if you asked Sam)

“The quote I chose was It is a curious thought, but it is only when you see people looking ridiculous that you realize just how much you love them. Sebastian, Blaine is the best friend I’ve ever had and most of it is because we can be our true geeky selves with each other. You don’t think we know it’s at least a little ridiculous that we have our own Super Hero costumes? That we freak out every time a new comic is released? That I can speak Nav’i and he can answer in English? That we can pretty much quote every word of Harry Potter? And I’m talking all seven books.”

“That’s not ridiculous” Sebastian mumbled “That’s Blam.”

“Ok, what about Seblaine? Black Friday you went sock shopping at 4 AM with your moms. That was ridiculous.”

“And pajama bottoms. We shopped for pajama bottoms also.” Sebastian smiled at the memory. That had been the night that he had accidently told Blaine that he loved him.

“Ok, and pajama bottoms. That Rudolph sweater you wore to Rachel’s Ugly Sweater party was pretty ridiculous. You made Blaine dress up in a tea pot costume when he lost the Super Bowl bet which was extremely ridiculous. Sebastian, your entire relationship with Blaine has been a series of ridiculous events. Would you have wanted it any other way?”

“No” Sebastian knew that Sam was right. All of those events were what made Blaine Blaine. The guy that he loved beyond reason. The guy he couldn’t imagine being without.

“How do I fix this Sam?”

“My friend, you’re going to have to be very, very ridiculous.”

A few hours later, Blaine was waiting at the theater for Sam. He had already received a text that told him Sam would be late but to go in and get them some good seats near the back. That was unusual since they normally sat upfront, but it wasn’t as strange as Sam’s request to switch costumes. He had switched like Sam asked, but he would have much rather have been wearing the robes. The robes had a hood he could have pulled over his head and wallowed about what a jerk his boyfriend, well technically ex-boyfriend, was.

He decided to send Sam a text to see how much longer he would be. When he was done, he noticed that someone had sat in the seat next to him.

“Um, excuse me. I saved that seat for my friend.”

“Arrrrgggggggg!”

“No seriously, he’ll be here any moment.”

The guy motioned his hand back and forth between them but still only said “Arrrrgggggggg!”

“Yes, yes I can see that our costumes go together…” the guy lifted the head off of his costume “Seb?”

“Hey, Killer.”

Blaine was ecstatic to see him, but wasn’t about to let Sebastian off the hook that easily “Don’t you have a Lacrosse banquet to be at?”

Ouch! “I let Thad handle it. I told him I had a prior engagement with my boyfriend” then Sebastian added “If I still have a boyfriend.”

He wanted to make him suffer but Blaine just couldn’t do it “You still have a boyfriend.”

Sebastian smiled and silently thanked Sam before saying “May the 4th be with you, Killer. Happy Star Wars Day.”

“May the 4th be with you, Seb. Happy Star Wars Day.”

On the other end of the row, a little girl in a Princess Leia costume turned to her mother and asked “Mommy, why is Hans Solo kissing Chewbacca?”

Notes: For those of you that aren’t total Star Wars geeks: May the force/ May the 4th (Get it?). See why this had to be posted today? Forgive me for being two days early?

I know this is silly. However, you cannot deny that this is a holiday Blaine would celebrate.

[spaceorphan18]

Finding Kurt Hummel: The Break-Up

Masterpost

4x04: The Break-Up

Alright - time to rip off the Band-Aid.  It’s been four and a half years, and I think that’s been ample enough time to revisit this episode with a clear head and an open mind.  

This episode, though, man.  It split an already fracturing fandom in half, and it really never recovered.  And I think stories about fandom and what went on at the time really out does the story here itself.  

I will say, though as an aside, that season 4 was meant to be a new and fresh series -- the introduction of the Newbies symbolizes that.  The whole idea of makeovers symbolizes that.  And hitting the self-destruct button on all the popular couples was a symbol of that.  From what I can tell, the writers wanted a fresh start with season 4.  

And while I like season 4 (more than season 3), and while I think that Klaine needed some actual story, I don’t think the mentality that the show needed to start over was the best one for the longevity of the show.   However, there’s another time and place for that discussion.  I’m mainly focusing on the story itself here.  

Anyway, it’s funny to me -- that there really isn’t /that/ much Klaine in this episode.  Just enough to do the damage it did, and shake up the the couple -- who never really fully come back together until the end of the series.  It’s a fascinating and frustrating arc - and here we go..... 

Some Introductory Notes

Before we get into the Kurt stuff -- something I need to add.

The paralleling of Finchel.  One thing that does outright frustrate me is that Klaine doesn’t get to be their own story.  No, Finchel and Klaine have very different things going on within their relationships, I get that.  But the thing is -- Finchel gets meatier things to do.  I understand that they’re the A-Couple, and that the show wants to do more with them, therefore they get better development.  But selfishly, as a Klainer, throughout the season it’s difficult seeing Finn and Rachel get developed conversations while Kurt and Blaine get a watered down version of a similar thing.  But more than that -- this is one time I wish Glee wasn’t so hell bent on paralleling all their stories -- because everyone’s stories work better on their own, not being tied to someone else’s. 

I would say Brittana had it easier being a more individual story, but they were neglected for a long, long time after this, so you know, issues everywhere, lol. 

Brunch

Before we jump to Kurt --  Blaine and Brittany are lamenting about their relationships in the opening sequence.  Blaine talks about remembering when every day felt like Valentine’s Day.  And that’s where I think that both Kurt and Blaine fail a little bit.  Relationships are not always going to feel like Valentine’s Day.  Sometimes they’ll be hard.  A lot of times not.  But sometimes yes. And this reliance on how everything is perfect -- how everything is their storybook romance -- is what does them both in.  It doesn’t allow for either of them to make mistakes.  

We open Kurt’s story with him cooking breakfast -- and is in a relatively good mood.  Oh, bb, the fact that you are so unaware of what’s going to happen in the next few days makes this even more heartbreaking.  

I need to note that Kurt wore earplugs to bed -- as he did probably did in high school cause he did not want or need to hear any of /that/.  

But anyway -- Kurt senses there’s some major drama about to happen in Finchel land, and he has no desire to be any part of that.  He’s gonna go sneak off to the park and watch drug deals, lol.  

BTW - during the next Brittana scene, there’s some Kurt shade, as Santana talks about how improbable it was for Kurt to get the internship.  The show knows, sometimes, when it’s being ridiculous.  And as I said in the previous episode, it’s not about realism.  It’s about the character story. 

Call Waiting

While Kurt’s gonna somewhat fuck this moment up  -- I’d like to point out that he’s the one who called Blaine.   Also - Blaine’s pic of Kurt is Kurt’s student election campaign poster.  

Alright - so this one little scene has a lot packed into it.  

First of all -- you can tell they’re at least trying.  They have phone dates, that I assume they both set up.  But I’m guessing that Kurt -- being caught up with this crazy new job, and having to take care of phones for Vogue.com, probably is keeping him understandably busy.  

Yes. This scene points out that going out in the real world after high school is different.  You have more responsibilities.  And things that were important in high school seem smaller when you go off to college.  

Blaine, however, is still a year behind, and still in that world that Kurt left.  And Blaine is not handling things well on his own.  As he says often -- he’s a bit lost, and unsure what to do on his own.  But this is also where the fear of losing Kurt comes to head.  Blaine’s insecurities and self-doubt are all rolled into one, and couple that with Kurt being carried away with this new life brings Blaine to the (incorrect) conclusion that Kurt doesn’t need (or want) him anymore.  And that his relationship is done.  

Kurt misses Blaine.  There’s a lot in his facial expressions that show he really does.  When Blaine lists off all the things he misses doing with Kurt (note - the implication that they both miss the emotional and physical parts of their relationship (my god, they’re allowed to mention they have sex)) Kurt is right there with him, frustrated by the situation, too.  

But I think the thing that is somewhat missed during these break-up discussions is that Kurt isn’t exactly handling all of this well either.  Kurt trying to express to Blaine that with the absence of NYADA he has to find some direction, and Vogue.com might be that opportunity that he shouldn’t miss, isn’t exactly the easiest conversation.  (Not to mention that Kurt doesn’t seem to do well in general when Blaine gets overly clingy.)

Also - Blaine’s looking for some kind of comfort, and instead Kurt’s hanging up on him to get the latest gossip from Joan Didion.  Not cool, Kurt.  

But -- as I’m sure I’m being a broken record -- neither is dealing with this long distance stress well.  Blaine is under the impression that the worst has happened, Kurt has forgotten about him, and his relationship is over.  Meanwhile, Kurt is ignoring the issues as much as possible, believing these things will all magically work out.  Nope to both. 

Also - Blaine’s ILU as Kurt hangs up.  Ouch. 

Haunted

Alright - so this is the part that’s hard for me to untangle because we’re in Blaine’s brain here -- and I’m not always the best a figuring his head out. 

Blaine’s singing this duet with Finn -- and it’s about the two of them feeling out of place and out of sync with their significant other.   And Blaine’s haunted by the Kurt he sees in his head - this vision of Kurt from when they first met (Vision Kurt is wearing the same outfit from Never Been Kissed).  There was a time, in Blaine’s head, when everything was perfect and man he’d like to go back to that time so he can feel okay. 

But interestingly, Vision Kurt is season 4 Kurt, too.  A Kurt who has changed, and is not the same person that Blaine used to know.  He’s almost this foreign entity that seems like he’s judging Blaine. 

So, here’s my interpretation (which Blaine stans can correct me on if I’m totally off).  Through the circumstances of his life and his type of personality, Blaine craves emotional validation and is the type of person who needs to be told (and told again) that he’s valuable and needed and wanted and worth being with, etc. And Kurt used to feed that emotional neediness on a regular basis when it was the two of them and they did everything together. 

Now that Kurt’s gone, Blaine is not getting that reassurance on a regular basis and because of that he feels lost.  He tries reach out to Kurt (as shown at the beginning of the sequence) but Kurt’s not there.  So Blaine decides to take the easy path (the dark side!!) and find someone who will quickly fill that validation.  And this is where Eli C and the cheating comes in.  Maybe if he can find that intimacy with someone else he’ll be able to feel better -- and it will help take away the sting of feeling left behind by Kurt.  

It’s also a rash decision, btw, one where Blaine clearly didn’t think it all the way through.  Because it’s really going to blow up in his face.  But -- here’s my thing, there are a lot of things that go into this, and it’s even more complicated, I think, than I’m giving it credit for.  But I’m going to move on and get back to Kurt, since it is my Kurt meta.  I’m hoping that when I do the podcast, lots of smart Blaine fans will help me untangle this further. 

Callbacks

So, I guess Kurt decided it was fine to go play third wheel with Finn and Rachel, lol? But anyway - Kurt’s getting all dressed up to go sing at a bar.  I don’t know much about clothing meta, but I’m sure someone can discuss the purpose of black and red in the wardrobe.  Not to mention, I read something about the usage of mirrors in this episode, but I don’t remember what.  

I will say -- I never thought about the name Callbacks before, but I think it’s intentional - not just because of the connotation to the theater world, but because this is a callback to the good ole days for Finchel and Klaine.  And yet, it’s not the good ole days anymore. 

This is totally the face of someone who is unhappy their boyfriend showed up unexpectedly.  (Actually - the longer I stare at it, the creepier it gets, lol)  

Also - remember that meme of people who bring foliage to the loft means bad things? Blaine brings roses -- this is not going to be good. 

I don’t know what’s with me and taking ridiculous screencaps.  But I love Kurt hiding behind his flowers.  (He’s actually smelling them.)  

But man - I mean, best night ever, right? His boyfriend is there unexpectedly.  (And they share a kiss -- why does stupid Rachel have to interrupt that?)  His brother is there.  They’re gonna go singing.  Best night ever, right? 

They go to Callbacks, which is so, so pretty.  I love all the Christmas lights.  

And, oh Kurt.  He really just doesn’t get it.  He’s happy Blaine’s there and they can start making their New York memories.  He does see that Blaine’s sad -- he’s obviously but not blind.  But he has no idea that Blaine’s been struggling to the extent that he’s been struggling.  Kind of like in Dance With Somebody.  Kurt sometimes doesn’t get it until Blaine spells it out for him.  

And I would like to state right here that while I do think its both of their issues that lead to this break up, while I do think Kurt was (unintentionally) being neglectful of his relationship -- as Blaine says himself in DWS -- ‘talk to me, tell me you’re unhappy, but don’t cheat on me.’  And I didn’t bring that up to throw back in Blaine’s face (I kind of hated that when people did that) - it’s more of -- this is a lot more difficult when you’re on the other side of the fence.  

And these two have always had issues with communication.  Tell each other your feelings you stupid boys!!! 

Oh Kurt -- you’re just in such a happy place before all this goes down.  

Blaine, as he sits down at the piano, says he’s going to sing a song -- the same song he sang when he first met the love of his life.  A song that has become very much their song, and is representative of this fairy tale romance they have going.  And look at Kurt’s face -- he’s over-joyous that Blaine’s singing this song.  He loves this.  He loves that it’s supposed to be a romantic overture yet again.  

There’s a lot of love and reflection on Kurt’s face as Blaine starts singing.  

And this might be a good place to talk about a misstep Kurt has within his relationship.  Blaine has been all these wonderful things for Kurt.  His prince, his knight, his first kiss, his first love.  They’ve shared so, so many intimate moments together.  But -- Kurt sometimes has trouble seeing Blaine as a real boy -- one who isn’t perfect, who won’t just wait around for him when Kurt needs him, who has troubles and issues and is going through something a bit bigger than Kurt understands. 

But this song -- this break down that Blaine has is the first time Kurt really, really gets to see first hand that his relationship is not fairy tale perfect.  The illusion is coming apart. 

This scene, this rendition of Teenage Dream, is one of the most powerful and heartbreaking scenes in the entire show.  (I mean, Kudos to Darren Criss for this -- I think it’s one of his best acted scenes in the show.)  It’s ironic in so many ways, as the performance just goes off the rails. It’s fascinating how Blaine just breaks down -- he is no Disney prince here.  He’s a slobbering mess, rushing through the whole thing because it’s all too painful.  And man, how many of these lines are just plain ironic now?

And the longer it goes on, the more Kurt knows that things are wrong, that something is terribly, utterly wrong, though there’s confusion in his expressions as well.  What the fuck happened? He doesn’t know.  But this isn’t the Blaine he’s used to.  And he doesn’t really know what is going on. 

Not Really a Walk in the Park

You guys remember when this scene was filmed, and there were people who witnessed it first hand (why did they shoot this in public?) and that was a sucky night for fandom? At least Chris and Darren seemed to have fun, lol. 

Anyway -- I need to bring up American Horror Story for a second.  Why? Because at the time Ryan Murphy was writing the first season of that.  And in that season, at the beginning, the husband cheats on the wife, and the scene where the wife confronts the husband is almost exactly verbatim this next Klaine scene.  It, like, freaked me out when I watched it -- and then I checked the dates and that AHS episode was written before this.  

This whole cheating thing is a trope that Ryan Murphy goes back to again, and again.  I don’t know why.  But I feel like that framework should be kept in mind when discussing RM’s projects.  I can’t not look at it in that light.  And while we can talk about legit reasons as to why Blaine decided to cheat -- I feel like it can’t be stressed enough that this is also a trope that’s indicative of Ryan Murphy -- and that he has a tendency to write all his couples this way.  And that cheating in RM’s world is somewhat a different thing than cheating in the real world. 

But on the bright side, that AHS couple worked it out in the end.  And so will Klaine. 

Getting back to the scene.... 

When we start out, there’s a physical distance between the two of them.  They’re not holding hands, Blaine has his hands in his pockets.  Kurt’s unsure how to act.  I’m guessing this relationship has never felt this awkward for either of them.  And Kurt can’t avoid the inevitable forever -- so addresses the subject straight on.  

Kurt’s so nervous as he asks Blaine what’s going on.  He can feel it, feel that this is not going to be a fun conversation.  

And then Blaine says he was with someone - and the bottom just drops out completely.  Because out of all the things he was worried about -- Kurt probably never thought that Blaine would say that. 

Oh man, do these two know how to hurt each other in the worst ways.  

To Blaine, removing the emotional intimacy has been the worst.  But to Kurt -- removing physical intimacy has always brought about his insecurities.  As we’ve often talked about, touch is a huge thing to Kurt.  He doesn’t let anyone in, he doesn’t let just anyone touch him.  And here’s this boy who Kurt’s let in, and having that connection, not just that emotional connection but the physical connection - where sex and love are intertwined and where Blaine being close to him was not only Kurt’s way of knowing he was valuable but Kurt showing how vulnerable he can be, of letting Blaine into his heart, is incredibly important.  

And here Blaine says that no only has he had that physical intimacy with someone else, but he shared something Kurt considers sacred with a person who doesn’t really matter.  (Kurt is first fearful that it was Sebastian -- someone who has always brought about Kurt’s insecurities.  But having it be someone faceless.  Someone who doesn’t ultimately matter is almost worse.)  

And this just shatters Kurt.  The person he thought he loved and knew more than anyone else in the world, he doesn’t know any more.  Because never in a million years did he ever think Blaine could hurt him so deeply. 

The temptations line by Kurt is really interesting here.  Did have Kurt have other people hitting on him? Maybe? Maybe not.  But this goes to Kurt believing that his relationship would be fine without tending to it.  Kurt’s fine with commitment.  There could be one guy, there could be fifty.  He loves Blaine, he’s with Blaine, that’s all that matters.  And he’s secure with that.  But, love and relationships are more than just believing everything’s going to be okay as Kurt finds out here.  

I’ve seen this comment floating around, and I agree with the assessment -- usually the show lets Kurt pretty cry.  Kurt’s break down here is not pretty.  It’s downright ugly crying.  (And this is where I give Chris kudos for his acting.  Damn, I can’t imagine going to that place take after take.) 

Anyway - it’s fascinating that everything changes from this moment forward.  No more fairy tale romance.  Welcome to the adult world kiddos. 

So -- instead of extending the argument -- we move into the song Don’t Speak.  Which was, apparently, Darren Criss’s suggestion. Thanks Darren. Lol. 

It works well for this group of singers -- it’s heart-wrenching and works well for both of these couples.  It’s not a personal favorite, because this song depresses me to no end, but it works. 

Breaking it down a little -- 

Blaine sings: 

I really feel That I'm losing my best friend I can't believe this could be The end

That stands out to Blaine’s headspace.  It’s not just about the romantic relationship -- it’s the fact that the friendship isn’t intact as it once was either. And I think that’s a huge element that they both miss throughout this break up. 

Kurt (with Rachel): 

It looks as though you're letting go And if it's real, well, I don't want to know

It’s interesting -- because Kurt, when things get emotionally difficult, had a tendency to not deal with them head on.  Not until he’s forced to, really. 

Kurt and Blaine: 

Don't speak I know what you're thinking I don't need your reasons Don't tell me, cause it hurts

This is the chorus and the main point of the song.  Neither of them really want to deal with it because it sucks.  It’s literally the worse.  And yet -- you have to eventually deal with it anyway. 

Kurt (with Finn): 

Our memories, well, they can be inviting But some are altogether mighty frightening

This is interesting -- I think it’s that the memories aren’t as comforting as they once were.  For Kurt -- everything he once believed was true and good is now tainted, and how do you look back on that fondly? Right now he can’t. 

Blaine (with Rachel): 

As we die, both you and I With my head in my hands, I sit and cry

Oh, Blaine -- this speaks to his helplessness at this point. 

Hey - remember when we wanted Klaine in bed together and they gave us this? FU RIB! 

I actually really like the cinematography out in the park.  That shot with Blaine and Kurt lined up but not actually facing each other is pretty powerful - as it shows where they are now in relation to each other. The stuff in the beds, eh, not a fan of the split screen stuff.  Plus, oy, Finchel-ness.  

I can’t really imagine how the rest of the night went, tbh.  I’m shocked Kurt didn’t kick Blaine to the couch.  But I can only imagine there was a lot of crying, and a lot of not facing each other, and little to no sleep.  And then Kurt left and went into the other room to think.... 

In Mourning

I’m guessing Kurt’s been in that chair for a long time.  He tells Finn that he feels like he’s going to die.  And that six months ago, he would have never guessed this would have happened.  Well no -- you never thought this was going to happen at all.  It’s called life, and life is throwing curveballs.  

Kurt’s waiting up for Blaine -- but later Blaine will say that he left without Kurt talking to him.  What gives?  Well -- Kurt’s so hurt, and so shattered, and it’s a lot to process and take in and I can imagine that even though I think Kurt wants to yell and scream and fight, he’s also emotionally exhausted.  What does he really have to say in right this second? You can’t undo things that have already happened, nothing is going to magically make it all feel better.  So yeah -- I can see Kurt wanting to say so many things, but in the end, it’s easier to just let Blaine go.  

I read some great meta once, and I wish I had a source to back it up, that Kurt doesn’t feel like Kurt here.  And someone wrote about why.  Because Chris usually plays Kurt as poised and controlled in his actions.  And none of that is here.  But this is a Kurt who is emotionally raw and defeated.  He’s just kind of in a state of existing. His heart is broken, his world doesn’t make sense anymore -- he’s just there.  (Man -- I’ll have to see if I can find it -- cause whoever wrote it, wrote a much more eloquent analysis than I ever could.) 

If this episode wasn’t already depressing enough -- consider this....  This is the last time Finn and Kurt have a scene together.  And it’s a little chilling when you think that Kurt’s wearing black, and telling Finn goodbye as he leaves the loft quietly.  Obvious, I’m texturing this on in hindsight.  But it’s already a bittersweet moment.  It’s heartbreaking when looking back. 

I always wished they did a little more with Kurt and Finn as brothers than what they did.  But I’m, weirdly, glad they had this little moment as their last scene. 

///

I have to mention here that we go back to McKinley for a while because Newbie/Jarley drama.  And here’s my thing -- this feels so, so jarring compared to the rest of the episode.  Glee season 4, when not talking about the newbies, kind of goes back to that season 1 adult grittiness.  And all the emotions and break up stuff feels like it’s apart of that.  Stopping midway to do a story about high school students most of us don’t care for yet (or ever) is frustrating -- and really highlights the disconnect between these two different kind of stories.  

Also a note about the Left Behind thing.  I get that this is supposed to be a realization of the theme -- being left behind by someone, as Finn, Blaine, and Brittany are all feeling that.  But did we have to waste so much time with it being a literal thing? 

Also, meanwhile there’s mild trouble with Wemma.  So they get in an argument.  While I’m glad they didn’t break up, yet again, it’s obvious they just wanted to stick them into the final group number.  We could have done without the newbie stuff and had Wemma get an actual story for it to make more sense. 

A Metaphor

Well -- by the time Kurt gets back to work, he’s his composed self again.  Something small that fascinates me -- Kurt’s staring deeply at this note from Blaine, and when his coworker Chase comes in, Kurt jumps a little, startled that his thoughts have been interrupted.  And then Kurt closes off.  He doesn’t give Chase details about what happened, he doesn’t even make eye contact.  Kurt goes inward while he hurts, and takes pain on his own.

He tells Chase:  

Kurt: I’m okay.  I’ll be okay.  

He’s already entering this defiant mode.  He wants to be fine -- he wants all the pain to stop and not to be able to think about it.  Of course, he’s not.  As much as he wants it to, the pain of this break up is deep, and isn’t going to magically go away.  It’s going to take a lot of time and a lot of healing before Kurt really is fine.  But meanwhile, he’s going to try his damnedest to present himself as fine. 

Kurt trying to be fine while trying not to break down crying.  Oh, bb.  

Also this exchange: 

Chase: Is he cute? Kurt: The cutest.

You don’t magically fall out of love with someone when these things happen.  (Not that I wanted Kurt to do that -- but I’m just trying to show the complexity of the situation here.)  Yes, Blaine hurt Kurt very deeply.  But Blaine also loved Kurt very deeply, and Kurt loved him very deeply, and those feelings are very intertwined.  And I feel like that’s an important comment to make -- cause it’ll come back later.  But also because, Kurt can claim he’s fine all he wants, that doesn’t make him actually feel fine.  

So someone might yell at me if I don’t mention the flowers.  Yes, yes, they’re a call back to Asian F -- when Kurt gave Blaine flowers.  Red and Yellow mean friendship and love and a deep connection. Oh, a stab in the heart for sure.  

But -- there are two other big things (that irk me a little) that I need to point out before we leave this scene. 

First of all, Blaine’s note.  I kind of hate it -- because it feels juvenile and belittling of the severity of what Blaine did.  The note doesn’t feel like Blaine, and I just don’t like it.  

Secondly -- it took me forever to figure this out, but Kurt throwing the note away is a metaphor for Kurt dumping Blaine.  That’s when the Klaine v.1 ends.  With a metaphor.  And it bugs me.  Because both Brittana and Finchel get dialogue -- actual scenes that show that their relationships are over.  And Klaine gets a metaphor.  

And no, I don’t know what I would have wanted instead.  And in some ways, Klaine gets better things.  Their story is the one that gets the most development in season 4.  They’re the first ones back to each other.  They get way more focus than Brittana will ever get, and more interaction than Finchel. Their relationship is the least dead? But I suppose there’s that lingering feeling, that I suppose isn’t that fair to say, like the Tongue Tied montage -- I wanted Klaine to have just a little something more.  

////

Kurt isn’t in the episode again until the end.  But before I get there, a couple of points. 

1. When Blaine returns to McKinley he chats a little with Finn -- and Finn (understandably, I may add) berates him for hurting Kurt.  But my heart breaks for Blaine.  Because Finn has come back home too, but he has a support system -- he has his parents, and Will and all the kids look happy to see him.  Blaine is alone.  Really alone.  Oh, bb.  I’m glad you get Sam soon. 

2. Brittana -- I like the scene that they get at the end.  It’s funny, as much as they leave it open ended (this isn’t an official break up) I always felt like it was the most definitive break up of the three. In fact, until they actually got back together in season 5, I thought maybe the show was done with Brittana for good.  (I have to wonder how much fan involvement had something to do with them getting back together.) 

3. Finchel -- I have many thoughts about Finchel. Idk - if you guys are interested, I’ll write up a post.  Long story short - I like their conversation (minus a couple small things) at the end and they were definitely /done/ for a long time.  (The weren’t supposed to get back together until the end of the series.)  

Back to the Start

The ending group number is The Scientist.  And, well, damn, if this isn’t the perfect ending song for this episode -- as it really does well to encompass all of the issues among these couples.  (I suppose, though, it helps when the show purposely gives these couples similar issues and themes to work through.)  It’s an incredibly heart-wrenching and effective performance.  

This song is a reflection of better days and how easy it can be in the beginning and harder as it goes along.  (It’s about a lot of things, I’m simplifying)

But Kurt’s verse: 

I was just guessing At numbers and figures Pulling the puzzles apart

Well, FU again RIB -- as obviously this is a nod to the line in Teenage Dream about being each other’s missing puzzle pieces.  

I should also mention the flashbacks, as there was an uproar about this -- which I don’t believe was unjust.  Finchel and Wemma (who don’t really even have a big conflict in this episode) get a flashback to their first kiss, while Klaine and Brittana noticeably don’t get kisses but other moments.  And with Klaine I sorta by, since that was back to their start.  But still -- if you’re gonna show couples kissing, show them all.  C’mon, Glee.  Don’t piss us off even further.  Klaine’s first kiss would have worked just fine here. 

But anywya... But man, if there isn’t some juicy Kurt-related stuff to sink my teeth into.  Because this is just ‘the incident’ -- and now we have all the repercussions. 

No one ever said it would be this hard Oh, take me back to the start

And thus, the show has officially hit the reset button.  Welcome to a new world, guys.  It’s not gonna be easy.  

[grizzlefur]

WWEm - Dab v Banana: Whoever Wins, We Look Dumb

Transmission date: Monday 1/Tuesday 2 May 2017

.

Bust open those diet planners, it's time for SUNDAY NIGHT PALEO!

.

wait

.

shit

.

no

.

it's monday afternoon raw

.

welp, keep it rolling

.

so yeah, this is the raw after payback

.

which i mostly remember, but largely thanks to looking it up

.

we're in sacramento

.

and as the show starts, the women's division are in the ring

.

it's carpeted and there's a podium

.

and here comes alexa to do a big entrance

.

bayley is somewhat less than impressed

.

recap slideshow of the title match from payback

.

featuring alexa stark and head trauma

.

bayley's wearing a sleeveless jacket over her gear for some reason

.

alexa sarcastically thanks everyone for turning up because she told kurt to tell them to

.

god, i love all the words she says

.

apparently the queen is dead

.

well, that's a hell of a way to find out

.

alexa proclaims herself a goddess

.

that's usually bray's thing

.

she's set up her own coronation because just being given a belt isn't enough for her

.

thanks mickie for being an inspiration while also calling her old

.

thanks sasha, who is dressed even more as a matador than usual

.

for getting pinned

.

sasha gets up in her face, she backs up and walks into nia

.

alexa's like you know what we're good moving on

.

emma's just stood there smirking like i have no history with you i'll just get the popcorn

.

alexa gets on the podium, remembers to thank bayley at last

.

crowd start chanting for bayley, alexa's like yeah thanks i do know her name

.

talks smack about her family in the audience, bayley is getting tenser and tenser

.

alexa says bayley's nephews finally have a real role model, bayley's like fuck it, tips over the podium, brawl begins

.

cut to ads, and we come back on a tag match

.

bayley/sasha/dana/mickie v alexa/emma/nia/alicia

.

emma takes some hits, you can just hear alexa on the apron shouting, "Cmon Emma, you're embarrassing us!"

.

mickie tags in to kick emma in the face seven different ways

.

emma's lost the smiley boob face, which is a shame

.

but she has taken to wearing turquoise lipstick, so i can get behind that

.

dana gets a phase against alicia, in which we can see how much she's improved

.

she's actually a pretty good wrestler now

.

alicia's gear has been redesigned again, and this time seems to have been constructed largely at random

.

this is such an archetypal whole-division let's-all-do-our-spots exhibition tag match

.

sasha decides to slow down the formula by putting alicia in a leg trap straitjacket for a solid minute

.

alexa shouts at alicia to come and tag, alicia, still tied in knots by sasha, shouts back "I'M TRYING!"

.

cut to ads, and when we come back nia jax has punched sasha's soul out

.

nia tags in, elbow drops sasha in the back

.

ouch

.

alexa is standing at ringside doing the whole let's you and him fight thing

.

refusing to even entertain the idea of tagging in

.

nia does her chancery toss on sasha so the slowmo replay guy has something to do

.

sasha fights out a few times, with nia dropping her again every time, and finally tagging alexa in

.

sasha has many skills, but nobody ever talks about how well she bumps

.

she can take damage like nobody's business

.

sasha finally manages to get a tag, enter bayley, grudge match commences

.

mashes alexa's face into the turnbuckle, yknow, like babyfaces do

.

bayley to belly for a near-fall, broken by nia doing an elbow drop

.

cue everyone beating on everyone

.

dana and mickie take down nia, emma takes dana, alicia takes sasha, alexa takes the distraction to rake bayley's eyes and ddt for the pin

.

i know i said formula, but it's a good formula

.

that was a good match

.

heels pose in the ring, faces carry their heroine out, alexa mocks everyone in the world

.

yes, that includes you

.

and now we talk about braun/roman

.

and a replay of braun v. ambulance round 2

.

later we have updates on both of their condition

.

also seth rollins tells us what's next

.

but actually next, chickenfucker and large have a match

.

enzo swaggers in like he's shat himself

.

or maybe he's riding a very short invisible horse

.

apparently they haven't slept, because they had a match

.

which was at like 4 p.m. local time

.

you guys need to sort out your sleep schedule

.

mid-smacktalk, anderson and gallows blindside them but end up getting thrown out of the ring

.

enzo looks even more concussed than usual

.

cut to ads, cut back and the match is on

.

it's enzo/gallows solo, which is a totally reasonable matchup

.

booker t makes a public enemy reference to show us how cool he is

.

although that consisted of just naming people who were in public enemy before mumbling and talking about something else, having never quite reached whatever point he was aiming for

.

most of this match has comprised gallows knocking enzo down, then doing wolfpac hands over  him

.

he does know that's not how you pin someone, right?

.

i mean, i think enzo's a tool, but still, five solid minutes of him getting the shit kicked out of him does not make entertaining television

.

enzo keeps getting brief showings of offence before gallows is just like lol no and kicks him in the face

.

even the announce team are making fun of booker for talking shit and never finding the point

.

enzo gets a second rope dropkick, gallows actually goes down for once

.

gallows ends up on his knees, enzo does an honest to god randy-style punt to his head

.

not something i expected to see

.

near-pin off that, then a brief confrontation between cass and karl lets gallows drop enzo for the pin

.

well, that was definitely a worthy continuation of the preshow

.

and now we're in the locker room

.

tjp approaches neville to be smug and insouciant

.

and ask about his near-loss last night

.

neville's like fuck off mate, i like you but anyone who says that can still go fuck themselves

.

apparently it was the referee's fault

.

neville does a whole thing about how austin is occupying tj's rightful contendership spot

.

so we've got perkins/aries later

.

this is so sith

.

darth neville swishes off, cut to ads

.

up next, seth rollins does something

.

either someone's broken a drum machine, or here he comes

.

swaggers in like yeah i am awesome aren't i, but now we all love him for it

.

pumps the crowd, who are apparently feeling good

.

seth's out to do a freestyle speech about the fans and his career and it sounds like he's getting a lifetime achievement award or some shit

.

"You gotta embrace the sucky part of life just as much as the good stuff, man."

.

deep

.

he's beaten everybody around, so now he wants brock

.

or more specifically, the belt

.

he's like i've been to suplex city and fuck that place

.

its tripadvisor ratings must be terrible

.

"Large man pounded me into jam. Wifi coverage acceptable. No breakfast. 1.5/5"

.

in bursts finn to be like hey wait a minute are you forgetting the bit where i beat you for that title with ONE FUCKING ARM fuck away off with you

.

and...here's dean?

.

what claim does he even have

.

swings in with his belt, makes some jokes, does a thing about fighting champions

.

like we all know brock no longer exists, so why isn't everyone here to fight me fuck it i'm dean ambrose i'll fight anyone one time i punched a toddler for a happy meal toy he found in a gutter i stepped on my mother's face to get to the last slice of borthday cake i'm crazy fuck it

.

enter an angry miz, who doesn't like dean making a mockery of his belt

.

finn steps to him, miz is like yeah you cheapshotted me good job sod off

.

calls dean out for not defending the belt at payback

.

and just straight-up calls seth a gimp

.

didn't know that was pg

.

apparently we all hate miz because he's too good at wrestling

.

dean, finn and seth all tell him to shut up in perfect unison

.

dean's like hey i can sort this out, you know what everyone likes? Everyone likes seeing miz get beaten up

.

gets his mobile out, calls kurt

.

who apparently is not happy dean has his personal number

.

but he has agreed to miz/seth/finn for ic title contendership tonight

.

dean's like fuck i'm good and walks out, leaves the others arguing

.

i love how the ic belt is the de facto top title now that brock's fucked away off to his house made of suplexes

.

but now, let's have a dramatic slideshow of roman/braun at payback

.

while the announcers remind us that roman, braun and kalisto have all been in hospital

.

i had forgotten how brutal then end of that match was

.

.but braun breaking the ambulance is still hilarious

.

his is like an anime fight scene

.

what with the length, constant false endings, and everyone ending up totally fucked

.

is this braun's final form

.

but now, purple rope time

.

6-man tag, which is wwe code for 'we finished all the storylines we had planned, let's put everyone in the ring at once so we can set up the new feuds'

.

nese/kendrick/dar versus...

.

i'm guessing swann/ali/gallagher

.

oh look, it's rich swann

.

oh yeah, wait, tozawa

.

how the fuck did i forget him

.

probably because in my mind he's main eventing everything

.

and jack

.

two out of three, i guess

.

jack comes out with spare umbrellas so all three of them can pose with them

.

truly gentlemanly

.

we open with kendrick/tozawa, continuing their educate-off

.

kendrick's tights tonight are the flat blue of default-coloured clothes on your minimum-effort CAW

.

kendrick tags out to nese, who beats the fuck out of tozawa

.

so yeah, this is just another multi-man exhibition thing

.

have we had any singles matches so far?

.

and i'm not counting enzo/gallows, because that was basically a tag match

.

three babyfaces team up to throw tony nese at noam and brian as we cut to break

.

tony is still riding for astana, and i remain unconvinced that those colours suit him

.

vertical holds akira with one arm while admiring his lovely bicep, before just dumping him on the top rope

.

...ow

.

holds him in a torture rack for ages, looking inches from just saying fuck it and dropping a burning hammer

.

which would be one hell of a way to get fired

.

tozawa finally manages to tag out off the distraction of tony nese being a dick, brawlery begins

.

captain's hook on gallagher, akira breaks it with a shining wizard

.

akira and rich keep the others occupied while jack hits his big dropkick for the pin

.

good match, but zero narrative content

.

and also, where the fuck is mustafa ali

.

but now, let's talk about the tag scene

.

and the ongoing saga of jeff hardy's tooth

.

complete with incisive commentary

.

(i'm sorry)

.

and the KKB finally turning heel

.

and now we get slowmo highlighted video of the tooth leaving his mouth for some reason

.

but now, here come my favourite tag team to explain themselves

.

both wearing heavy black jackets and aviator shades now

.

so you know they're evil

.

also lessens the blinding risk of their intro somewhat

.

the crowd aren't sure how to react

.

oh, now the music stops, the boos are in

.

oh my god, people are booing cesaro

.

there's a thing

.

shockingly, i like their coats

.

sheamus does a whole thing about how he's finally free to admit that he's always hated the audience because they've always been shit to him

.

which is fair, really

.

and cesaro's joined him on the dark side because mania was supposed to be their moment until the hardyz showed up

.

he gets a fiery bit ripping on the crowd for embracing a nostalgia act over current talent

.

which is also totally fair

.

i do love these two on the mic

.

they take it to the hardyz for being a novelty act

.

the crowd are finally getting properly behind booing them

.

this is a proper heel turn with some reason and thought behind it

.

i approve

.

apparently they are the bar

.

said like it's their new catchphrase

.

and here come said novelty act

.

matt does one delete arm, gets on the mic with his weird in-between accent

.

and then they do one more together before rushing the ring

.

cesaro and sheamus are just like fuck that and walk off before they can get their hands on them

.

i like this feud a lot

.

you could probably tell

.

and now, charly interviews miz and maryse in a room made of led boards

.

asking about the match tonight

.

miz does a whole speech about method acting, and while the frame's on him, charly turns into dean

.

asks another sarcastic question, miz gives him a dirty look and walks off

.

but now, heath and rhyno are here?

.

video from earlier tonight, with heath giving apollo parenting advice

.

until titus appears to shield his protégé like dude i'm the best dad why wouldn't you come to me i'm hurt

.

so now here they come too

.

the match is heath/apollo

.

i'm not sure where this angle is going, so let's see

.

heath gets put in a headscissors, jumps out of it and lands into a headlock, shouting "THAT'S A COUNTER, BABY!"

.

god, i love that redneck weirdo

.

and he is really technically good

.

for all that i don't really get the story of it, this is a good technical match

.

most of the narrative is in the reactions of their managers

.

titus distracts heath briefly, spinout powerbomb for the pin

.

titus does his post-win selfie with apollo, rhyno photobombs them because of course he does

.

like fuck my wounded tag partner, this'll be hilarious

.

apparently on 205 we have tjp/lince, ali/gulak and dar/swann

.

sounds good

.

but now, we talk about two men murdering each other last night

.

at least, now we advance the story

.

we've been talking about it all night

.

on which note, here comes a kurt

.

not sure it needs him to be out here, but fuck it, it's kurt  angle, everyone loves him

.

and his weird kidney bean head

.

apparently braun/roman was the most physical match kurt's ever seen

.

[citation needed]

.

apparently roman has reinjured his ribs, and braun tore his rotator cuff

.

god, i hope that's a work

.

speech continues, WYATT CUT

.

there's no real reason for bray to be here, it's just fun to fuck with the administration

.

and besides, he needs something to do now that his last victim is on a different show

.

(can i have a sidebar to talk about how much i hope the house of horrors is going to be a recurring thing?)

.

(cos i really do)

.

music cuts, lights stay down except for one on bray and kurt

.

kurt's stood there like what the actual fuck

.

bray introduces himself to kurt, everyone pops

.

apparently he's here tonight as our saviour

.

i want to see his door-to-door missionaries

.

apparently randy will forever be trapped in the house of horrors

.

um

.

did he not watch the second half of the match either?

.

so now that's done, bray has come here as the angel of raw

.

he can fix us all, apparently

.

every part of him can heal us from the poison we can't feel

.

so bray's here to ask if kurt is willing to let him do his work

.

kurt's like i don't fucking know, that was super vague

.

but this is my show

.

which elicits major cackling from bray

.

and he's like sure, but this is my world

.

wyatt cut, end

.

and now dean is back in interview mode

.

turns up in the locker room, sticks a mic in seth's face like how are you feeling about the match tonight

.

seth's like what the fuck is this why are you doing interviews this wasn't scheduled or anything

.

to which dean counters with "Well, there are cameras in here. Be pretty weird if there were cameras in the locker room and there *wasn't* an interview planned."

.

this is probably the best-written episode of raw in like ever

.

dean gets sidetracked pitching his new interview show on the network

.

wants it to be the today show or the daily show

.

seth's like um dude those are real shows

.

dean asks seth how he feels about the prospect of winning this and facing dean ambrose, seth gives him a weird look and does the rest of the interview in the third person too#

.

this is fucking gold

.

they do a semi-friendly faceoff, dean's like welp dean got surprised once, won't happen again

.

[tensionnnnnnn]

.

signs off (to gorilla), and it's cruiserweight time vol. 2

.

(for the record, the first time he signed off to bobby and gene)

.

so yes, it's Dab v Banana: Whoever Wins, We Look Dumb

.

tj finally gets an attack phase in, thanks entirely ti crotching austin on the turnbuckle

.

works the knee, wraps it up in the ropes

.

so yeah, narrative is happening

.

stands on austin's knee and dabs, because twat

.

i am enjoying angry tjp with something to prove, as opposed to entitled worthy millennial tjp

.

austin's fighting in underdog mode, so he's so going to win

.

ooh, tj bullfights austin into the post, then gets him in a half-crab while sitting on the top turnbuckle

.

that ticks my shit-i've-never-seen-before box

.

austin gets the upper hand, hits the sloppiest fucking suicide dive ever

.

sort it out, austin

.

although i guess that could just be him selling damage

.

but hey

.

and now he gets the whole pendulum elbow and second rope elbow drop combos

.

tj goes for a detonation kick, austin counters with a shin breaker and suplex, goes for the discus fivearm, tj kicks him in the hurt knee, goes for detonation again, austin counters directly into the last chancery for the tap

.

good match, lovely finish

.

as the ref's raising austin's hand, tj chop blocks him and puts him in a kneebar, because, once again, twat

.

ref finally pulls him off, so he saunters off, smirking like douchebag pinoy fred savage

.

cut to backstage, finn gets ambushed by interview dean

.

finn is hardcore, does his whole fuck nerves i'm awesome thing, so dean finishes up by giving him a twinkie

.

"For the love of God, man, eat a carb!"

.

outstanding moment, not damaged at all by the fact that i had it spoiled

.

finn takes one bite and stalks off, dean starts eating the rest, when *atmospheric strum* elias shitting samson looms out of the shadows

.

dean's just like okay cool i have music now, asks him for pearl jam

.

elias gives him a look, walks off, still playing

.

huh

.

and...cut to goldust?

.

pitching a film to kurt

.

The Golden Quest

.

truth translates, they want a title match

.

kurt's like jesus guys stop asking me you never win anything you can't have a title match why the fuck would that happen

.

goldust prevails upon him some more, kurt finally caves and puts them in a turmoil match for contendership next week

.

they leave, kurt's just like thank fuck they're gone

.

and now the announce team do a thing about jericho, despite him not being on this show any more

.

cue facebook video of kurt bidding him farewell

.

well, that advanced approximately nothing

.

but was short

.

so hey, swings and roundabouts

.

but now it's main event time

.

*does the arms*

.

oh my god i just flashed forward to how sweet it'll be the first time he does the demon entrance again

.

it's gonna be so good

.

whatever you think about miz, you've got to admit that entrance is just the most polished thing

.

and maryse is spectacularly attired, as ever

.

one day i'll get through a show without being desperately jealous of maryse's wardrobe, but it is not this day

.

in contrast to those two, seth's entrance is just shouting at the crowd and amping them up

.

aka cenaing all over the place

.

this is the classic triple threat dynamic of heel/face/i'm a fucking demon screw your dichotomies

.

naturally, miz opens by rolling out like it's cool you guys have your match

.

and he'll lurk at the edge until he sees an opportunity

.

every time there's a pin attempt, he lunges into the ring and they just look at him until he's just like ooooookaaaaaaaay and slides back out

.

they're finally giving up on that plan and going after miz

.

seth chases miz, miz runs into the ring, sees finn is still there and is just like ...ah

.

tries to talk his way out of it, they both kick him in the face

.

proper three-way begins

.

but most of it is still seth/finn, to be honest

.

and you know what?

.

i don't give a shit

.

the whole match could be seth/finn and i'd still watch the crap out of it

.

it'd be amazing

.

seth goes for a tope, maryse gets deployed as a shield

.

finn goes for him, she does it again

.

but that opens him up for seth

.

i've just noticed how much black and silver gear we have in the ring

.

seth goes to the top rope, miz pushes him off, he falls to ringside, lands feet-first and his his head on the barricade

.

jesus, dude,

.

please don't die

.

miz goes for his bryan spot, gets kicked in the face

.

seth appears back in the ring to crossbody finn, lands on his neck, we don't even get a good shot of it because miz headbutts the camera

.

jesus christ, seth

.

cool it down like 20%

.

it'll still be great, and you won't die

.

by now, everybody in this match is just beat to shit

.

and it's been great

.

finn tries to get back in the ring, miz hits him with seth

.

lines them both up for the yes kicks

.

finn throws him at seth, who catches him into a ddt hold, then drops it down as finn kicks him in the face

.

this is fucking balletic

.

finn kicks miz out of the ring, clotheslines seth out, then runs along the apron to punt miz in the head, runs all the way around to do a massive dropkick launching seth into the barricade, then carries him into the ring for a 1916

.

miz breaks the pin

.

i really thought that was gonna be the finish

.

what a fucking sequence

.

god, i've missed finn

.

sling blades seth, lines up for a corner dropkick, miz crotches him into the ring post

.

mis goes for a finale, seth counters, miz kicks him in the knee and ddts him

.

and now, figure four

.

finn breaks it by kicking miz in the head again, near-fall

.

i have no fucking clue where this match is going to go, but it's fantastic

.

everyone kicks everyone in the head, seth nearly pins finn

.

seriously, maybe cool it with the headkicking

.

i hear it's not good for you

.

miz tries a comeback, seth ddts him into the post, then hits them both with a double blockbuster, and frog splash for the near-fall

.

hoooooly shit

.

the crowd are going absolutely mental, and who can blame them

.

miz goes to the top rope, seth throws finn at the cameraman and counters into a superplex and a falcon arrow

.

that's the speed you superplex at

.

and STILL no pin

.

suicide dives both of them, when samoa fucking joe spinebusters him at ringside and walks off shouting

.

so guess we're doing that

.

sling blade to miz, corner dropkick, lines up for the coup de grace, FUCKING WYATT CUT and bray pushes him off the top and hits sister abigail, than vanishes in another cut

.

what the actual fuck is going on

.

and miz crawls over to pin finn and carry on the dean/miz feud

.

so coming out of that, we have dean/miz (fun), joe/seth (great), and bray/finn (HYPE HYPE HYPE)

.

that was a great match, capping off a really good episode and setting up a load of good feauds

.

i am a happy shitposter

.

and we fade on miz and maryse embracing on the ramp, finn seething in the ring, and ofiicials checking on seth slumped against the barricade like what's going on did i win

.

wow

.

*exhales*

.

with a perhaps-vain hope that that momentum will continue, i'm gonna go get a drink (i think we all need one), and then we're going to SMACK MONDAY AFTERNOON DOWN!

.

(wait no, it's monday afternoon smackdown)

.

(daniel, can you *please* stop delivering my memos in jigsaw form)

.

and in my case, that drink is a carton of strawberry-flavoured soya milk, because i'm hardcore

.

but yes

.

downsmackery

.

we open with video from earlier, with jinder doing a triumphal photoshoot with the belt

.

until shane turns up like ahem don't think that's yours

.

jinder scowls, cut to titles

.

apparently jinder's fighting sami later

.

burlesque!lana is in the titles, despite never having actually turned up

.

and the show proper opens with the commissioner soft-shoeing his way in, as usual

.

shane does a cheap pop, so at least now i know where we are

.

(fresno, for the record)

.

shane does a big intro for smackdown's latest bescarfed title-holder

.

oh my god he should replace the belt with a championship scarf

.

make it happen, wwe

.

scrotumhat on announce somehow draws a straight line from jericho beating the rock and stone cold to being here tonight

.

jericho gives us a smack it down, maaaaaaaaaan, even i groan

.

shane cuts to the chase, announces that kevin's getting his rematch tonight

.

so naturally, here comes aj styles?

.

this is about par for the course for smackdown disjointedness, to be fair

.

the crowd try to do duelling chants for aj and chris, can't pull it off

.

sort your shit out, fresno

.

aj reminds us that y2aj was a thing long enough to make shirts

.

and aj's looking forward to taking the belt of chris or kevin at backlash, whichever

.

chris has taken over the face of america thing, and they love him for it for some reason

.

aj makes the list for not believeing in chris's chances

.

or he nearly does

.

jericho cocks the pen, cue kevin

.

who's still got the face of america entrance and gear, because why not

.

promises to give chris even worse shit than at mania or the festival of friendship #neverforget

.

and goes to aj like the fuck are you even doing here get out of my ring

.

aj shrugs, leaves the ring, runs up the ramp to beat the piss out of him

.

officials run in, end segment

.

later we have naomi/charlotte v natalya/carmella, but next, jinder/sami with the singhs lurking nearby but not going to do anything no sir

.

announce team let us know that, per the shane, aj is banned from ringside for the match tonight

.

but nLET'S GO

.

recap from talking smack, when baron beat him into a brief coma for daring to have an interview spot when he didn't

.

and enter the jinder, accompanied by the singhs and their tacky shirts

.

slideshow of the house of horrors fallout

.

in which tom phillips confirms that he does not know what 'abscond' means

.

bell rings, begin the wristlock party

.

jinder's got new gear, and now he has a scrotum flower as well as an asshole mandala

.

jinder has realised the secret technique where you can just not let go after a rainmaker, so he just does a bunch of them to sami in a row

.

sami's getting beaten to death, but you should know that

.

it's the opening three-quarters of a sami zayn match

.

has anyone ever tried just pushing sami over and pinning him without hitting him at all?

.

he may actually be a 90s JRPG boss

.

sami finally flywheels up, hits a crossbody

.

lines up another move, sunil gets up and distracts him, near-fall

.

really weird tornado ddt there

.

not even sure who was going for it

.

sami goes for a helluva kick, sunil pulls jinder out of the way (not a dq for some reason), sami lines up for a tope, samir grabs his legs for a distraction, jinder hits a full nelson slam for the pin

.

so yeah, sami has the attention span of a lab rat on experimental stimulants

.

but now, becky runs into the welcoming committee backstage

.

nattie tries to sell her on charlotte being evil and taking becky's title shots

.

becky's like hmm let me think about it

.

huh

.

not how i'd expect her to react

.

and they all just walk off

.

and fade

.

to the advert for shinsuke, and by extension backlash

.

or not, it was just shinsuke

.

pan out to dolph watching that video and bitching to some randomers about shinsuke and the managment

.

naturally, shane is right behind him throughout

.

dolph doesn't give a shit

.

promises to show us all what will happen to shinsuke by killing sin cara later

.

but now, aiden english gets a song about how great he is

.

i miss gotch

.

sad face

.

tye's entrance hits during the song

.

aiden is unimpressed

.

bell rings, aiden blindsides tye while he's still taking his shirt off

.

which is really either tye's own fault or the timekeeper's

.

*shrug*

.

it still doesn't help much, because when did aiden english win anything

.

and tye does a facebuster variation of the tye breaker for the pin

.

within like two minutes

.

sigh

.

aiden proceeds to have a freakout in the ring

.

all together now

.

YOOOOOOOOU

.

DID  THIIIIIIIS

.

TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEE

.

and just cut away, sure, whatever

.

but now renee interviews chris backstage

.

aiden walks past crying, chris stops the interview to tell him to stop crying on smackdown because life is good and also if you don't you make the list

.

chris leaves so much of a pause that i'm beginning to think he's forgotten what happens

.

puts aiden on the list, he bursts out crying again, puts renee on the list just cos, walks off

.

because...babyface?

.

sure

.

moving on

.

let's spin a recap of the women's match last week

.

and now dasha has charlotte in the tv-and-curtains-limbo backstage

.

charlotte's like sure i'm tagging with naomi tonight but i'm still gonna fuck her up for the belt

.

carmella appears, followed by the rest of the welcoming committee

.

they beat on her and throw her into some crates, tamina shouts at her, james stands at the back like yeeeeeeeeeah, cut away

.

and now we have that match

.

naomi's entrance continues to be fucking awesome

.

now accessorising with a hooded coat with a fluorescent lining

.

huh, apparently we're sponsored by rocket league tonight

.

finally, one i can get behind

.

we go directly from that intro into natalya's

.

the whole committee comes out, because apparently this is all of their music

.

apparently charlotte's music hit during the break but she never turned up

.

so yeah, handicap match

.

bell rang and everything

.

carmella tries talking shit, so naomi kicks her legs in half

.

lands her kick rush combo, nattie tags in

.

does a really weird springboard drop on naomi

.

kind of backfires, because it ended with naomi sitting down, which is her power stance

.

so nattie follows up by smacking her face into the stairs

.

carmella tags in, has naomi in a headlock while shouting "YOU WANNA KICK ME?"

.

which seems tactically questionable

.

because as it turns out, she does indeed want to kick her

.

naomi and natalya take each other down, charlotte's music hits

.

hobbles up the ramp, gets ready to tag in

.

naomi gets the tag, charlotte opens by sprinting across the ring and punching carmella off the apron

.

goes for the figure four, broken by a briefly-returning carmella

.

takes it to nattie again, carmella runs in, gets kicked in the head, but provides the distraction for nattie to discus elbow charlotte

.

cut for ads, and carmella's got the upper hand on charlotte again

.

goes for the bronco buster, charlotte dodges so she crotches herself and then tags naomi in

.

naomi aggressively sits down at, and then on, carmella

.

nattie distracts the ref and ellsworth distracts naomi, carmella gets a rollup and a handful of tights for the pin

.

the rest of the committee immediately come in to beat on the good guys

.

and here comes a becky

.

runs into the ring, then stands there, caught in indecision

.

ooh, heel becky would be interesting

.

and she says she's in

.

and goes for a handshake

.

shakes hands with the girls, asks james for a hug, then throws him at the other three to join the light side of this brawl

.

which goes well until tamina punches her in the head

.

more beating ensues, the four of them stand over their fallen foes

.

so that run-in went well

.

dramatic video about how great the new day are

.

(spoiler: thery're p great)

.

including them riding a cg unicorn

.

but now, here's sin cara in a teal morphsuit

.

doesn't even get an entrance, because it's sin fucking cara

.

and here comes douche ziggler

.

to punish sin cara's abhorrent fashion choices

.

on the other hand, sin cara hits a lovely springboard crossbody like fuck you gran metalik

.

does the lucha arms, the crowd aren't particularly into it

.

so he's like fuck you fresno, throws dolph out of the ring and then suicide dives him

.

dolph manages to turn things around, because sin cara

.

crowd still aren't really into it

.

mostly chanting for shinsuke

.

and...sin cara does a single-leg deadlift powerbomb?

.

huh

.

strange eons

.

goes for a springboard moonsault, dolph gets the knees up, then a really lazy superkick for the pin

.

well, that match happened

.

but now, main event time

.

after more burlesque

.

still "coming soon"

.

and also before that, a bit for fresno state university and noam telling us to watch 205

.

and a law and order parody for the fashion police

.

in which tyler doesn't get typewriters

.

fandango enters with a dossier on all the crimes of the usos

.

tyler pins a backlash to the evidence board

.

they get called away for more fashion crimes

.

and scene

.

that was...deeply strange

.

and also way funnier than you'd think

.

but actually actually now, it's main event time

.

here comes chris and his fairy light scarf

.

talking smack will feature the welcoming committee, aj. chris, and kevin

.

so that'll go well

.

enter kevin, and the face on the floor still does him no favours

.

anamorphism ho!

.

oh for fuck's sake

.

before we can actually have this match, here's a slideshow of their payback match, sponsored by a brand of chicken that we don't know enzo's sexual opinions on

.

and some long-ass intros

.

(we love you gregg)

.

START THE FUCKING MATCH ALREADY

.

chris hogans at the crowd a bit, because we've agreed to let him get away with that

.

chris stamps on the legendary finger a bit, then smacks it on the steps

.

dude, you know he has nine others that all perform the same function, right?

.

i'd be narrating more of the action, but let's be honest, it's the same match as mania and payback

.

but hey, it's a good match

.

chris goes for a top rop axe handle, kevin counters by gut-punching him out of the air

.

(punching him in the gut, that is)

.

(he did not take him out of the air with his gut)

.

(he is not king kong bundy)

.

goes for a lionsault, doesn't connect because duh

.

but now gets him in the walls again

.

goes for the rope, let down by the injured finger, then goes like oh wait i have two and grabs it with his other hand

.

jericho counters a popup powerbomb into a spike piledriver, because it's apparently head trauma week

.

and straight into the walls again

.

much roaring later, kevin makes it to the rope

.

slides out, jericho tries to follow him, only to eat a superkick and then a ddt on the ramp

.

gets back into the ring, superkicks him again, still can't get a pin

.

kevin picks chris up by the ears, takes a moment to shout at him, nearly goes down to a rollup

.

and then popup powerbomb for the win

.

well, that title flip accomplished its purpose

.

namely, of making sure jericho is in as many ppvs as possible

.

he'll be back at raw in time for the next one

.

kevin leaves the ring with the belt as terrible medics run past him to check on chris

.

kevin is seemingly annoyed that they're not coroners, so runs back in to beat on him some more

.

and yell YOU WERE NEVER MY BEST FRIEND in his face

.

awwww

.

clearly lots of complex emotions bubbling under there

.

he walks off up the ramp with his belt, we get a really long shot of officials and medics carrying chris out

.

only for kevin to run back down, hit him again, stamp on the back of his neck, then put his head through a chair and slam it into the post

.

dude

.

that's a legit murder

.

and fade on chris going bleeeeeeeeeurgharrgahgblblb

.

as he does so well

.

and next, i'mma watch talking smack

.

but you're not

.

nerrrrrrrrrr

.

*backs out of the room, pointing at you with her tongue out*

[lady-divine-writes]

Kurtoberfest one-shot - “On Repeat” (NC17)

Sebastian is trying his hand at being Kurt's "friend", and even though Kurt's not entirely thrilled by the idea, he's willing to give it a try. It may be the most important decision of Kurt's life ... and the most devastating decision of Sebastian's. (3923 words)

Rare pair - Kurtbastian

Warning for angst, non-con, violence, gun violence, and hospitalization. Mention of B*laine and K*laine. Not B*laine or K*laine friendly.

Written for the @kurtoberfest prompt "nightmares".

Read on AO3.

“Hummel! Hummel, wait up!”

“Oh, God,” Kurt groans, but slows down a step. If he doesn’t, Sebastian will just run him down, screaming out Kurt’s name, most likely in dirty limerick form, at the top of his lungs the whole way. “What do you want, Sebastian? I’d like to get home.”

“Come on. Don’t you want to stay and hang out with me? Seeing as we’re supposed to be buddy-buddy and all.”

“Look.” Kurt spins around, eyes rolling so hard they catch up a half-second after. Better to get this over and done with now. “I know that Blaine wants us to be “friends” (the air quotes he uses when he says this are epic, the face he makes the height of ridicule), but that doesn’t necessarily mean we have to start tonight. I have a ton of studying to do.”

“But … but …” Sebastian stutters, coming off as if Kurt hurt his feelings. “I thought you liked me for me?”

Sebastian bats his eyelashes. It’s ridiculous and obnoxious, but Kurt has to admit, there’s something cute about it.

Wait … what? No. Ewww! No way. Not Sebastian Smythe. Not with a ten foot pole. Not even with a gun to his head.

“Whatever gave you that idea?” Kurt asks, turning back around and starting on his way through the dark parking lot.

“Ouch,” Sebastian says, trotting to keep up.

“Oh, what now!?” Kurt drops his head back on his shoulders and moans plaintively to the moonless sky. Strange that there aren’t any stars out. There are usually hundreds of them out about now. “Are you going to follow me all the way to my Navigator?”

“Would that bother you?”

“Yes. Yes it would.”

“Then yes,” Sebastian answers with a smug smile. “I’m following you all the way to your Navigator. I need to make sure you stay safe … for Blaine’s sake,” he adds when Kurt’s right eyebrow soars up. “I wouldn’t want anything to happen to his one true love, his … his delicate flower …” The face Sebastian pulls manages to be even more skillfully mocking than Kurt’s, and Kurt laughs. He can’t help it. He doesn’t want to hate Sebastian, not any more. Not after Dave’s suicide attempt. Not after Kurt finally made peace with him. Kurt wants to live a life with as few regrets as he can – for his own sake. No one else’s.

And besides, when he’s not trying to be a jackass, Sebastian can be kind of … sweet? Jesus Christ, Kurt! Don’t get ahead of yourself.

But, to be honest, he doesn’t mind the escort. Blaine had to head home early and, for some reason, it’s blacker than black outside tonight, which is odd. He didn’t park that far away from The Lima Bean, and there’s a dozen street lamps lit. Besides, it’s only five o’clock.

Why is it almost pitch black out already?

Kurt notices the sound of uneven footsteps shuffling behind them, footsteps he’d thought at first belonged to one of his friends, rushing to catch up with him, but they’re too heavy, too unfamiliar. Sebastian seems to notice them, too, because he becomes more animated, talks loudly. He starts bringing up oddly aggressive topics like, “Do you remember the time we nailed Blaine in the eye with that rock salt Slushie?” Kurt doesn’t justify that question with an answer. It seems cruel for Sebastian to bring it up, especially when he claims that he’s trying to build a bridge between them. But Kurt soon realizes it’s not about making a dig at Blaine’s or Kurt’s expense. It’s about puffing himself up, making himself sound tough. Sebastian has gone rigid. He’s taken Kurt’s elbow and he’s gripping it tightly. He’s dragging Kurt to his Navigator at a steadily accelerating speed and Kurt knows why. The safety of The Lima Bean is long gone now, and between it and them, there’s a man following them. A man Kurt hasn’t seen, but Sebastian must have, because he’s clenched his jaw, balled his fist.

He’s getting ready to fight.

Kurt sees his Navigator up ahead, but for every step they take, it seems to move farther away. He thinks he can reach it, stick out his hand and grab the door handle. He’s made the decision that after he unlocks it, he’ll shove Sebastian inside first. He won’t leave him outside to deal with whatever’s following them alone, not while he’s trying to save Kurt’s life.

But they don’t make it to the Navigator. Not in time.

“Stop walking.” Click. “Put your hands up and turn around slowly.”

It’s not the words that stop Kurt’s heart, propel it with one last, staccato beat up into his throat. It’s that click. TV cop dramas have drilled that noise into his brain.

It’s the sound of a gun. The man behind them, the man Sebastian was sprinting from, has a gun.

Sebastian doesn’t want to let go of Kurt’s arm, but he does when the man says, “I’m not kidding. Turn … the fuck … around.”

“Can’t we work something out, man?” Sebastian asks, even before he moves. “I mean, there’s no need for this, is there?”

“Yeah,” the man says, sinister anticipation in his voice. “We’re gonna work something out, all right. I’ll tell you what I … shit!” The man stamps the floor. He stares straight at Kurt, fuming. “Fuckin’ shit, man! I thought he was a chick!”

“What?” Kurt snaps, forgetting about the gun for a second. He glares at Sebastian, furious at him for not defending him. What about this “new friendship” he’s been talking about? Where did that go? But Kurt can’t stay mad at him, because the look on Sebastian’s face has Kurt terrified. Sebastian knows something. He knows something that Kurt doesn’t.

“You’re not … you’re not serious?” Sebastian asks with a weak, nervous laugh. “You’re not gonna make us …?”

“Make us … make us what?” Kurt feels nervous, sick, angry, and confused all at the same time. His head struggles with it, his heart thumps, and there’s a dry, acidic ache in the back of his throat that he can’t swallow away. “What is he going to make us do?” A dozen different scenarios leap to Kurt’s mind, everything from driving this man to the nearest convenience store and helping him rob it to stripping naked and handing over the keys to his Navigator, the robber taking their clothes with him so they won’t go for help. But even though that last scenario is the worst Kurt could come up with, he gets the feeling that what Sebastian’s thinking, which the man with the gun is obviously thinking also since he’s smiling like Charles Manson, is much, much worse.

The man points the gun square at Kurt’s chest and says, “On your knees, girly.”

“What!?” Kurt gasps, and suddenly he’s on the same page as everybody else. “No! Why …?”

“On your knees, or I’ll shoot you through the head.”

That should have been enough to get Kurt down on all fours, but it isn’t. Kurt finds it impossible to move, even to save his own life.

“Don’t …” Sebastian gets the single word out and the gun changes its aim, pointing at his chest now. “Don’t make him do that, man. Isn’t there anything else you want?”

“I told you what I want,” the man says. “You seem to forget, I’m the one with the gun.” The gun points back at Kurt, between the eyes. “Do I need to remind you?”

“I---I haven’t forgotten,” Sebastian says. “But I have money. Lots of money. If you let us go, I’ll give you everything in my wallet.”

The man doesn’t respond, but he seems interested. “How much?”

“Seven grand. Large.”

The man bobs his head, mulling it over. “Alright. Let me see it … slowly.” The man watches Sebastian with eagle eyes as he reaches into his pocket for his wallet. Sebastian holds it up for the man to see. “Slide it over.” Sebastian crouches down, every second that it takes him making Kurt’s heart beat faster. This has to work. It just has to. Seven large!? Is Sebastian out of his mind?? Who carries that much …?

Sebastian’s leather wallet slides across the asphalt, hitting the man on the foot. The man looks down at it, but also at Sebastian, trying to figure out what’s going on in Sebastian’s mind. Whether he was actually entertaining the idea of taking the money and leaving, Kurt doesn’t know, but the man says, “You know what? I changed my mind,” and he punts the wallet back over to Sebastian without even taking a peek.

Sebastian looks aghast, but also mildly offended. “Dude! What the hell!? That’s a lot of money!”

“So what? I can get money. What I want is to be entertained, and you two are going to entertain me.” He focuses on Kurt, his eyes burning like lit coals. “On your knees now or he’ll be fucking your corpse.”

That word corpse, the vulgarity of that image, cements the danger into Kurt’s brain, and he drops to his knees so fast Sebastian hears them crack.

“Uh, you’re gonna have to pull down your pants, sweetheart,” the man says, backed by cruel laughter. Kurt nods, undoing the fly to his jeans with urgent hands and shoving them down his thighs to his knees. Then he leans forward on his hands and waits, staring down at the ground, his cheeks burning red with humiliation and fear, wet with tears clinging to his skin. Sebastian doesn’t know how much experience Kurt’s had. He knows that Blaine was his first, and that they’re still together. The two of them are in love. Sex means more to Kurt than it does to Sebastian. Kurt shouldn’t be on the receiving end of this. It’s not right.

“H-how about he fucks me, huh?” Sebastian offers.

The man with the gun looks almost disgusted at Sebastian’s suggestion. “Nu-uh. Not interested.”

“I don’t … I don’t want to hurt him.”

Kurt looks up at Sebastian with a sense of surprise so compelling, he actually turns away from the man with the gun. But Sebastian can’t take his eyes off it. One look away, and they might both be dead.

“You hurt him” – The man cocks his gun and points it at Kurt, starting at his head, but then moving the barrel lower, aiming at his hand – “or I do.”

“S-Sebastian …” Kurt whimpers. Sebastian sees Kurt shake, the fingers of his threatened hand curling in towards his palm.

“Don’t … don’t do that.” Sebastian kneels down behind Kurt, giving in to the man’s demands. “You don’t need to threaten him, alright? I’m the one not cooperating. If you need to point that gun at someone, point it at me.”

“I know, right?” the man jokes. “But I have a feeling that pointing the gun at him will get me quicker results.”

Sebastian undoes the fly to his own slacks and sticks his hand down the front, but there’s nothing. Less than nothing. He didn’t even know that his dick could shrink that much. No matter what he does, that situation’s not changing, and he can feel that they’re running out of time. They’re out in the open. Someone will walk by and see them. And where that should be a good thing, Sebastian is convinced that the man will take the two of them out before he takes off. “I can’t … I can’t get hard with you sticking that gun in my face!”

“You’ll get hard, or you’ll be fucking him with a tree branch.”

“Oh, gee, thanks! That’s really helpin’ me out, pal!”

“Sebastian …” Kurt pleads in a wavering voice.

Sebastian tries to spit on his hands, give himself some kind of lubrication, but his mouth is completely dry.

“Stop being a pussy and just do it, kid! I don’t have all night here.”

“If you’re short on time, I’d be happy to recommend someplace else.”

“You know, that smart mouth of yours is gonna get your friend over here a whole lotta dead.”

“I’m sorry, all right!? I’m just … I’m sorry.” Sebastian tries to rush. With the friction he’s able to build up (more chaffing than stroking, nowhere near sensual), he’s only able to get less than half hard. When he lines the head of his dick against Kurt’s hole, it’s like hitting a brick wall. There’s no give at all, and not just because Kurt’s clenching tight. He’s not ready; mentally, physically, he’s not prepared for this. God, why couldn’t Sebastian just be Blaine for about five minutes? This might be easier. Kurt might open up for Blaine.

“Sebastian, please,” Kurt begs, crying. “D-do something.”

“That’s right, Sebastian. Do something!” the man demands, but he’s laughing, the gun in his hand shaking.

Sebastian does the only thing he can think of. His dick’s not hard enough to force his way through, and it’s not getting any harder. He licks two of his fingers as best he can with his sticky tongue, and he shoves them into Kurt’s body. Sebastian knows he’s scratched him. Kurt cries out, a sound of desperation and pain that Sebastian’s never heard before in his life.

“Oh God, Kurt!” Sebastian repeats as Kurt wails, arms and legs quaking so violently it feels like the whole ground is shaking. “I’m sorry, Kurt! I’m so so sorry, Kurt, I’m…”

“Shut up!” The man punches Sebastian across the face with his gun hand. “God! You two certainly know how to suck the fun out of something as simple as sex!”

Sebastian spits out blood. “You’ve gotta be kidding me!”

“If he was a chick, this would be a done deal by now,” the man laments, as if it’s their fault that he chose badly. He continues arguing with them, with himself, with the sky, but Sebastian tunes him out and watches him closely. He’s waiting for an opening, an opportunity. But an opportunity to what? His first thought is to get Kurt to his Navigator. It’s only a short sprint away. (Wasn’t it closer? Weren’t they right next to it?) If he could get them to Kurt’s SUV, they might be safe. But where are Kurt’s keys? He doesn’t even remember Kurt having them. Kurt didn’t take them out while they were walking, and Sebastian hasn’t heard them jingle in his pockets.

The man shrugs to himself, pointing the gun at the ground, and Sebastian sees a chance. A crazy, stupid, likely to fail chance, but it’s all he’s got. He leaps to his feet and lunges for the man. The man sees him move and immediately points his gun at Kurt, but Sebastian grabs his arm and raises it before the gun goes off.

“You stupid son-of-a-bitch!” the man growls, his breath hot against Sebastian’s face as Sebastian wrestles the man, trying to get him to drop his gun. “You dumb ass punk! What the fuck do you think you’re doin’?”

Sebastian doesn’t answer. What’s he supposed to say? It’s asinine that this man would question the fact that Sebastian is trying to save his life. He guesses that’s what makes crazy people crazy – an inability to understand simple logic. But none of that matters because the man still has a gun, and he’s aiming it at Sebastian’s face.

Sebastian has a couple of options, but they’re all equally insane, so instead of picking one, he does them all. He butts the bridge of the man’s nose with his forehead, grabs the barrel of the gun and wrenches it out of the man’s hand, then he kicks him in the nuts. Only the head butt seems to faze the man. He retaliates, punching Sebastian in the jaw hard enough to stun him. But as he’s about to punch Sebastian again, the gun bounces off the ground and goes off.

Both Sebastian and the man go still. They stare at one another in surprise, eye to eye. Sebastian hears the man exhale a breath, but he doesn’t take another. Sebastian watches a light in the man’s eyes go out. The man crumbles, drops to the floor, eyes pointed skyward, unfocused. He doesn’t recover. He doesn’t reach for his gun.

He doesn’t’ move again.

Sebastian’s jaw drops. He sputters. He laughs out loud. He feels like he’s going to vomit. The man lying on the floor is dead. Stone dead, from a single gunshot wound to the head. But there were two shots. Where did the other …?

“Kurt!” Sebastian chuckles, wondering why is this so funny? Is that relief? Is it nerves? This isn’t the end. There’s a bunch of other aftermath he’s going to have to deal with now. They both will. The night is still, and it would be quiet if his ears weren’t ringing from the gunshot. “Kurt? I think we … Kurt?” Sebastian turns around. “Kurt?” A few feet away, where Sebastian left him, Kurt lies on the asphalt, as still as the night, barely breathing, the rise and fall of his chest gone. A blossom of red grows on his shirt, and Sebastian’s eyes grow wide. “Kurt? Oh my God! Kurt!” Sebastian takes off his blazer and covers Kurt with it. He doesn’t know why. He assumes it will stop the bleeding somehow. That doesn’t make sense, but he’s not thinking straight. “I’m sorry, Kurt! I’m so sorry, I …” Sebastian looks left and right. Houses line the street up and down, and yet no one has peeked out to see what the commotion is. “Help!” Sebastian screams. “Help us! Somebody please! Help us!”

“It’s alright, Kurt,” Sebastian mutters. “I promise. I’m going to get you some help. I …” Sebastian pulls his phone out of his pocket to call 9-1-1, but he can’t make out the numbers. They look like gibberish, his vision fuzzy, his head still spinning from the blow. He begins to dial what he thinks is the number, but it comes out as just symbols on the screen.

“What the --- what the hell is … stupid $800 phone! Help! Help me! Somebody help! Help me! Help me!!”

***

“What … what was that?” Anxious eyes scan the room in the low light, the beeping of the monitor closest to his head louder than a cymbal crash with his head throbbing. He looks around the sterile room – his dad sitting in the chair beside him, holding his hand; a nurse adjusting tubes and wires leading to a bed a short ways away, and in it, a body, almost lifeless.

“It was another spike,” the nurse informs him. She’s been there since long before they came in. She looks more exhausted than he does.

“Does that mean … he’s waking up?”

“No,” the nurse says sadly. “Not necessarily. We still have to wait. Give him time.”

“How you holdin’ up, kid?”

“Not that good, I don’t think.”

“Well, you should get some sleep.”

“I … I can’t. I just … I should have done something more. I should have fought.”

“Then you’d both be in hospital beds right now. You did everything you could, Kurt,” his father says. He’s trying to be strong for his son, but his voice slips, shaking at the thought of his son on his hands and knees the way Kurt told it.

“Yeah, well, Blaine doesn’t think so.”

“Blaine’s an asshole,” Burt snarls. “What did he think? You asked for this?”

“You should have seen him, Dad,” Kurt sniffles. “He couldn’t … he couldn’t even look at me.”

Blaine’s reaction when Kurt told him about the assault was completely unexpected. After his speech when they first met about how prejudice is just ignorance, and how he regretted bullies chasing him away from his old school, Kurt thought that Blaine would stand by him, the way he had in the face of Dave Karofsky. He thought Blaine would rush down to the hospital to hold him and sit by his side. Blaine showed up and saw Sebastian, saw Kurt in tears holding Sebastian’s hand. He listened to Kurt tell his side of the story. Blaine barely spoke three words to him before mumbling something about it being late and him having to get home. “Maybe this is just hard for him,” Kurt says. “Maybe I’m being unfair. I should just … I should give him time.”

“Do you want to give him time?”

Kurt shakes his head, dabs at his eyes. “Not really. I need him, but he can’t be here for me.”

“Well, I’m here for you,” Burt says, putting an arm around his son’s shoulders and squeezing. “I’ll always be here for you.”

“Thanks, Dad. And when he wakes up …” Kurt glances over at the bed “… I’ll be here for him.”

Kurt takes Sebastian’s hand again and holds it gently. It was so surreal how it happened. The police told him that the man who followed them through the parking lot of The Lima Bean had just been released from prison on a technicality. They’d been keeping tabs on him, waiting for him to slip up, but they lost track of him. Kurt told them that he’d heard him and Sebastian talking, and thought Sebastian was with a woman. The police informed him that that was his m.o. - to corner a man and a woman in an alley or a parking lot, somewhere deserted and dark, and have them “perform” for him.

They also told Kurt that the man with the gun never had any intention of letting him and Sebastian go alive.

Kurt remembers the man going off, talking to himself. He remembers Sebastian telling him to run for the Navigator, but Kurt had said no. He wasn’t going anywhere without Sebastian. They were trying to come up with a plan when the man let his guard down for a moment and Sebastian bum-rushed him. The gun went off twice – once when they first started struggling, and then a second time when he pointed the gun in Sebastian’s face. Kurt thought Sebastian was dead right then, but the bullet hit the man instead. That first bullet, the one that shot off into the air, fell back down to earth and hit Sebastian in the head, driving into his skull. It took a while for it to affect him, but when it did, Sebastian knocked out cold.

And now, Sebastian is unconscious, and no one knows for sure when – or if – he’s going to wake up.

Kurt called 9-1-1 and, while he waited for the police to arrive, he held Sebastian. Kurt cried with Sebastian cradled in his arms, Sebastian’s blood staining Kurt’s shirt. Kurt tried to get Sebastian to wake up by complaining about it. Then he told Sebastian everything he was thinking when Sebastian chased him down in the parking lot - how he didn’t hate him, how he wanted to try his hand at them being friends.

But it didn’t work. Sebastian hasn’t opened his eyes since he hit the ground.

The first few times Sebastian’s monitor beeped, Kurt overheard the nurses talk about how sometimes coma patients remain in a dream state while their brains repair themselves, that they relive the final moments of their lives before they went unconscious over and over and over again while they try to sort things out.

Kurt can’t help wondering what Sebastian’s thinking right now, what it is that makes that monitor keep going off …

…

“Hummel! Hummel, wait up!”

[gleefail]

Glee Memories: 1x14 Hell-O

A long, long time ago, as Glee was approaching graduation in Season 3, I found myself nostalgic with some rare free time on my hands. So I decided to rewatch the series from the beginning and jot down some memories, discrepancies that have arisen since, fave quotes, tally solos - all that good stuff, strictly for shits and giggles.

8 years later (eek!) and once more I find myself with an unexpected abundance of free time. With so many revisiting or being newly introduced to the show between binge watching during Quarantine and all the tragedy that has surrounded the show since it went off the air, I figured I’d finish what I started. And by finish, I mean go through the end of S3. Cause I truly cannot acknowledge what happened after that. Except for 5B.

Kicking this off by reposting the first 15 episodes I already went through. Enjoy!

1x14 Hell-O Let the record show: the “So here’s what you missed on Glee” guy is now the guy we have come to know and love (Ian Brennan, right?)

“We’re glitterati. I feel like Lady Gaga.”

Add Mercedes to the list of Glee clubbers who’ve been slushied!! So it’s Rachel, Finn, Quinn, Kurt, Puck, Mr. Schue, and Mercedes. Leaving…Santana, Britany (has she EVER been slushied?), Artie, Matt and Mike. Right?

Will: Now you’re saying we have to place at Regionals or the Glee club’s gone? Me: That’s what he said in the first place!! What is going on?! Figgins; Schue, that was the deal from the beginning. Me: *satisfied* Hooray for continuity!

“Those spotlights in the auditorium don’t run on dreams.”

Sue’s back!

haha. Sue blowing on Figgins’ ear ‘romantically’

“Would’ve gotten you one, Will, but…I don’t like you.”

So…Finn sucks at basketball and is depressed.

Yeah, Puck just told Quinn he’s not break ing up with her but she needs to stop supersizing cause he doesn’t dig on fat chicks. A couple things: 1. Last episode didn’t she turn him down saying she was doing this on her own? In the words of my one true love Trouty Mouth, “that’s what I thought.” 2. Puck doesn’t dig on ‘fat chicks’? #oops Glee.

“I’m pregnant!” “And that’s MY fault?” …Puck might be as simple-minded as Finn.

So Finn and Rachel are dating now. When did that start? Who decided that? Might’ve been nice to see…

Oh yeah. Sue drugged Figgins and blackmailed him to get reinstated. Damn, I miss when this show had balls to do stuff like this and not apologize for laughing hysterically at it.

Damn, Figgins is hairy as hell.

“What do you guys say when you answer the phone?” “Waddup?” “Who dis be?” “No, she’s dead. This is her son.” HA!

Did Alexander Graham Bell really answer his phone “Ahoy ahoy!”? Can I start answering my phone like that? I CAN AND I WILL!

haha. Rachel wears training bras.

“Only this time I can just lean over and kiss you if I want to…and I want to.” Still makes my ovaries tingle. Lalalerr.

“We were seduced by the glitz and glamour of showbiz”

I’ve just pinpointed my problem (if you can call it that) with the Will/Finn relationship: I feel like we never really saw it start. It just doesn’t sit right with me. It’s always felt forced and like “look at how close and father/son they are” but…when did that start or develop into that so we could fall in love with it along the way? Answer: it didn’t. They just started saying it was already to that point rather than showing us how they got there, if that makes sense. Compare that to the Sue/Becky relationship and how we’ve watched it progress and how invested I am in that and there’s a clear difference. I wonder why they did this this way. And how much more I might care if they hadn’t. Hmm.

“Oh you mean like, meeting other girls? Cause I think I’m dating Rachel. At least she sure thinks I am.” #BlessFinnsHeart Also, why does Glee leave this unclear? :(

Mr. Schue just told Finn he wants him to sing. Finn’s response “so that’s why the band’s here” and a dopey grin. #BlessFinnsHeart

Ok. I’ve never been the biggest fan of Finn. I think he’s funny when they let him be humorous. But he’s never been my dreamboat on this show. HOWEVER…Finn in pursuit of a lady is Finn at his hottest in my opinion. I pay attention when that’s happening, lol.

Apparantly Kurt agrees. He is like a cat in heat over there. Lordy!

Aw, Brittana walk with linked pinkies. Forgot about that being their thing. I love that Quinn sees that and immediately knows they’re up to something, lol.

So…Finn thinks he’s dating Rachel…and agrees to go on a threesome date with Brittana…and when Rachel kinda catches him, he lies. Oh boy. Why did they make this unhealthy from the start if we were supposed to be rooting for this as the power couple on the show?

Rachel’s speech to Finn when he says he doesn’t wanna be her boyfriend is effing spot on.

God. I’ve been in Rachel’s position where her andFinn just ended things and he’s immediately flirting very openly with other girls right in front of her like he could give a shit. I feel your pain, girl.

Aw. Puck and Quinn are being supercute during this song.

“I’m sorry. I was just focusing on the first syllable.”

“Your rendition of Don’t Rain On My Parade was flawed. You totally lack Barbara’s emotional depth.” PREACH!

Haha. Jesse reads celebrity biographies for lifestyle tips.

I love Jonathon Groff on this show. LOVED him in Spring Awakening and was so stoked to hear he’d be on this show. I gotta say, his chemistry with Lea Michele is flawless.

Haha. Confession: I love Lionel Ritchie. And this song makes me giggle cause of the video he did for it.Heeee!

Aw. Finn was a dipshit and dumped her and now the star of Vocal Adrenaline, who is just as crazy driven as she is, asked her out. Even rewatching it I’m happy for Rachel Berry.

“There was a mouse in mine.”

I love Brittana talking about the hottest guys in school right in front of Finn like he’s not even there.

Is it just me, or is it gross that they put a lemon slice on your spaghetti at Breadstix? Yuck.

“You buy us dinner, and we make out in front of you.” Oh Brittana. :)

“Those sweaters make her look homeschooled.”

“Don’t make fun of Rachel. She’s kinda cool….” “Finn. That’s mean.”

“Did you know that dolphins are just gay sharks?”

Ugh. I still hate this Wemma scene to Hello Again. So boring.

“I dunno why but…I’ve always had a soft spot for this song” Oh ouch. Knowing now why…ouch.

Emma’s a virgin. I remember thinking “well damn. This’ll drag out forever…”

What. The hell. Is that picture Rachel has in her locker of Jesse? It looks like she drew it herself in crayon. Omg. How’d I never notice that before. Ha!

Ok, WORST way to get a girl back EVER: repeat Finn’s words to Rachel right now. “I realized I don’t wanna date other girls. Only you. You do talk too much and usually you just talk about yourself but…at least I don’t feel alone when I’m with you.” – EFF YOU, FINN! Also, remember when Mr. Schue told Rachel she’d find a boy whose favorite parts about Rachel would be the bad stuff? Yeah, so far that’s not Finn.

Atta girl, Rachel!

I’m sorry, but it’s douchey that Finn ran to Mr. Schue to tattle on Rachel dating the competition. Like…so what? My God. My students date kids in other showchoirs all the time. In real life, kids make great friendships with kids in other choirs. …but it’s Glee.

“I didn’t wear a bra and I had them turn on the air-conditioning.”

“I am engorged with venom and triumph.”

Vocal Adrenaline are inhumanly good dancers. My. God.

Yaaaaay, Idina Menzel!

“You wanna look so talented it’s literally hurting you. I want a look so optimistic it could cure Cancer.”

Will is concerned with the ‘fraternizing with the enemy’ aspect of the Rachel/Jesse relationship. Oh my God. Get over yourself or you’re in for a lot of trouble over the years,Will. How can he do this and then preach that he wants to blur the lines between Football/Cheerios and Glee Club? Double-standard hypocrite. I’m annoyed with him.

And now Will and Shelby are makin’ out. While he’s still pursuing Emma. Oh boy. You jerk. Also, as hot as Matthew Morrison is, I still watch this and think this couldn’t be fun for Idina. Cause she’s married to Taye Diggs and I imagine nothing compares to the kisses of Chocolate Lovin’ (as I call him).

“Are you gay? Cause most of the showchoir directors I make out with are gay.”

“Cut the butter, Benedict Arnold.”

Okay, I will say, as much as it annoys me, the way Tina, Artie, Kurt and Mercedes are presenting their concerns over Rachel being with Jesse makes perfect sense and kinda won me over. They’re only asking her to hold off until after Regionals so they don’t risk a repeat of what happened at Sectionals. Mercedes said they’re all happy that she’s happy but they’re worried he might be playing her. This sounds like genuine concern for her and hesitancy to trust the competition. Very different than the game Schue and Finn are playing.

“Look, we not saying that dude is playing you-“ “He’s playing you.” Kurtcedes love.

It is sad to watch them threaten to quit or kick her out if she doesn’t break up with him and she’s being vulnerable and asking how they could do that to her.

Aw. Poor Rachel. :( Jesse’s so good for her!

“Everyone is replaceable. Even you.” I love that someone (Kurt) said this to Rachel. And meant it. I hate that the show has since forgotten that nugget of truth though.

The McKinley High Old Maids Club.

Another Lauren Zizes sighting! Yay!

This Emma and Terri scene makes me so uncomfortable.

“I carry a rape whistle!”

Rachel is talking crazy and Jesse just laughed at how cute she is and how much more of a drama queen she is than him. Listen, I didn’t LOVE this pairing the first time around, but right now…perfection.

Hello was Terri and Will’s junior prom song. Ouch.

This is very smart and mature that Emma and Will are not pursuing their relationship yet because he needs to be alone for awhile. It made me sad at the time but…it’s ridiculous to think for a second that he doesn’t need a break between divorcing the woman he’s been with since he was 15 and heading into another relationship. Well done, Glee.

Rachel tells Finn to spread the word she ended things with Jesse. He tells her he wants to be with her and that he circled some dates on her ‘crazy calendar’ (eff you, Finn). Um, wtf? She just broke up with someone else that she didn’t want to break up with (well, not really but, as far as Finn is concerned) and he’s assuming she’ll want to get back together with him? Ugh. Douche Finn.

haha, Finn seems extremely confused that Rachel is rejecting HIM for a change. I actually really like this dynamic.

I hate to admit it, but…Finn is super hot in Goodbye/Hello. I’m tellin’ ya, the only dreamboat Finn in my world is a Finn in pursuit of a lady…

SOLOS: Finn (2), Rachel (3), Jesse (2)