#kris was probably the nastiest baby

[makigorogoro]

babies

[dresupi]

Santa Baby

Pairing:  Darcy Lewis/Phil Coulson For:  @hollyspacey Prompt:  ‘Santa Baby’ by Madonna Rating:  T Word Count:  1735

[Read it on Ao3]

Check out the [25 Days of Darcyland Masterlist] for more holiday themed fics!  I’m posting one a day until December 25!

"I can't believe I let you talk me into this…" Phil muttered under his breath.  

Darcy had to suppress a laugh, because she couldn't really believe it either.  "Oh hush.  You look holly-jolly and bowl-full-of-jelly and all that jazz. Kris Kringle." She winked in Phil's direction and he shot her daggers from behind his half-moon specs.  "Plus, everyone loves it. You've had like twenty people in your lap tonight."

She'd actually been kinda jealous of all the people who got to sit in Phil's lap.  Apparently her plan of getting him in a Santa suit had done nothing for her little libido problem.  

Okay, that was a lie.  It was a big libido problem.  She was crushing hard on her boss and was pretty sure he had no idea.  

"I know," he said deliberately.  "I've had twenty people in my lap tonight…"  

"You're making everyone's holiday wishes come true."  

Everyone's except hers, but considering he didn't have a clue about her feelings or what her holiday wish even was, she wasn't going to blame him for that.

"These are adults, Darcy.  Not a single one of these people believes in Santa anymore. Plus, I think half of those agents want you in their lap and not to..." he trailed off for a moment before continuing, "...sit in mine."  

There was only one lap she wanted to sit in.  

Darcy subconsciously reached down to straighten her green and red elf skirt.  The bells jingled. "It's a holiday party, Phil.  Everyone's having fun.  Come on, Scroogey Claus. Don't you want some punch?"    

"Is it spiked?"  

"Your memo said specifically not to spike the punch, so I'd say it's probably only been spiked three times by now…"

"Then give it another half hour, I want a decent buzz."  

She reached into the bowl of candy canes, unwrapping one and sticking the end in her mouth.  "C'mon, admit it.  This is fun.  You wouldn't be doing the Santa laugh if it wasn't fun."  

"It's not me, it's the suit.  I don't know… it's like I'm being compelled beyond my control."  

She laughed. "Yeah, that's the holiday spirit.  I'm told it's painful for first timers, but ya know. It gets better."

"I've had holiday spirit before," he argued.  

"Yeah.  On Captain America's Birthday."  

"You mean the Fourth of July?"  

"Same difference," she said with a smirk. She giggled a little, and then nearly jumped out of her skin when Clint tapped her shoulder. She was really getting sick of all these assassin-types sneaking up on her. Not cool, guys.  Not cool.    

"Heya, Princess Pinky Pie, Can we get a photo with Santa?" he asked.  

"Okay, first off, I am not a magical pink pony princess, I am one of Santa's most esteemed elves.  And my name is Pinky Perky-Pants… and next…" She turned, looking vaguely around for other people and seeing no one.  "We? Where is this 'we' of which you speak?  I only see you, Hawkguy."  

"We as in 'you and me'?"  Clint grinned.  "I want the elf in my picture too…gonna send it to Tony.  Legolas and Pinky Pie with Santa."  

"Pinky Perky-Pants and who's gonna take the picture, genius?"  Darcy asked, thinking she'd outsmarted the archer. "This is a two man operation.  He's the lap, I'm the snap…"  She held out her phone and mimed taking a picture.  

"I will,"  Natasha said, suddenly right behind Darcy and speaking in her left ear.  She jumped again, nearly dropping her phone, but the assassin caught it and and deftly unlocked it despite Darcy never having told her the password. But Darcy Lewis hadn't been surprised in approximately six years, so she took it in stride.  "C'mon, Darce.  It's Clint's only Christmas wish…"  

"To get a picture with Santa and the elf?" she asked incredulously.  

"Yep, definitely."

"I'm the elf too," Clint insisted, a whiff of his breath hitting her face and making her realize that her earlier predictions about the punch were directly on the nose. 

"Okay…"  Darcy turned to find Clint already settling into Phil's lap, looking very pleased with himself.  Darcy perched primly on Phil's left leg, trying not to put all her weight on him.  

Phil grunted a little. "Barton.  What are they feeding you? Lead?"  

"Just eatin' my wheaties, Coulson…" Clint grinned widely.  

Darcy shifted a little bit, trying to get more centered so she wouldn't tip.

That proved to be her undoing, though, because as Natasha was counting down, Clint slid unceremoniously to the floor and either accidentally or purposefully kicked Darcy's leg out of the way, sending her sprawling across Phil's lap.  Which was of course, how Natasha snapped the picture.  

Phil grabbed her before she hit the floor, and it would have been very romantic, had they not been dressed up like some kind of Rankin-Bass stop motion special.  

Darcy might have had a thing for older men, but Santa was really pushing the envelope.

Even though the knowledge that it was Phil behind the white beard was making her second guess her kinks.

"That's a good picture, that's going out in the email on Monday…" Natasha said, grinning widely as she admired her handiwork.  

"Nat…" Darcy protested, struggling to sit up and get to a standing position ASAP.  "Come on…"  

"Hey, here's an idea," Clint said, hopping up from the floor.  "Why don't you give me the Santa hat, I'll do the rest of the photo ops and you guys can go… get…"  

"Holly-Jolly?"  Natasha filled in, grinning widely.  

Darcy rolled her eyes, because obviously there was a plot here.  She grabbed the hat off Phil's head, tossing it to Clint.  

"How much was the bet?" asked Phil, tugging off the beard.  

"What bet?"  Clint asked, feigning ignorance.  

Natasha rolled her eyes and began fiddling around on Darcy's phone.  "It's in the five figures, and that's all you need to know."  

"At least you didn't push us under the mistletoe," Darcy said incredulously.  

"Mistletoe is so predictable…"  Natasha replied, wrinkling her nose.  "Besides.  The bet wasn't for a kiss.  Although, that would be a bonus."  

Darcy took off her own hat, the one that had the elf ears attached and tossed it to Natasha, who promptly put it on and somehow managed to look downright adorable in it.  

They ransacked the refreshment table, leaving with a tray-full of the best finger foods the caterers had to offer.  

Darcy was also able to swipe a bottle of booze from beneath the refreshment table.  She was super excited about it until she saw that it was Barbara's-from-Accounting. That woman only drank the nastiest seasonal Schnapps Dekuyper had to offer.

But it was possibly better than nothing.  

Maybe?

She was trying to detach herself from her nerves.  Try to stay cool and breezy.  

Who cared if Natasha told them to go get 'holly-jolly'?  Not Darcy.  Because she totally knew what that meant and it wasn't something that made her cheeks go all rosy, or her nose go all cherry.  

Because getting 'holly-jolly' with Phil was definitely what she'd been hoping for since pretty much day one of her job here at S.H.I.E.L.D.  And therefore, she shouldn't be nervous at all, right?  

Phil seemed fine with it anyway.  Which meant…  

What in Saint Nick's jingle bells did it mean?

  They left the event room and wandered down the hall until they found an office with a cracked door.  There was only one chair, so Phil rolled it out into the hallway and plopped down on the floor behind the desk.  

Darcy took a swig from the bottle, wincing at the pepperminty taste before passing it to Phil. It was honestly the worst, like taking shots of Blue Scope, but it took the edge off her nerves, so she let it slide.   "I've never seen you even attend this party before, let alone cosplay Ole Saint Nick.  What gives, Phil?  Why did you even agree to this?"  

He looked at her for a long moment.  A really long moment, before he took a long swig from the bottle  His eyes stayed on hers, and Darcy felt her cheeks flush red.  "I have a thing for the elf," he replied.  

Her eyebrows went straight up.  "For the elf, huh? I'm assuming you're not talking about Legolas…" She jutted her head to the side, in the general direction of the merriment down the hall.

He chuckled. "Not quite, no… it's more for… what did you say your name was again?"  

She tried not to laugh when she said it.  "Pinky Perky-Pants…"  

"Yeah.  I have a thing for Pinky Perky-Pants."  

She pressed her lips together and looked down at her pointy shoes.  "This is weird because I normally don't have a thing for Santa… and I still don't… but I hella have a thing for my boss."  

"Really? Huh.  That's normally something that gets you put on the naughty list, you know," he said with a wink.  

"But it doesn't in my case?" she asked, grinning widely.

"No, it does.  Just… not the naughty list that gets no presents."

She reached for the bottle. "Is that you or the Schnapps talking?"  

"A little of both, maybe?"  he replied.  "Doesn't make it any less true, though…"  

"What kind of presents do I get, Phil?"  

He shifted over a little, so his fingers brushed hers slightly. He'd shed the belt and the red coat along with the extra fluff for his bowl-full-of-jelly a while ago, but he was still wearing those red pants.  And he smelled like a peppermint nightmare.  

But Darcy wouldn't change a thing about the way this was happening.  

His lips met hers and she sighed into his mouth.  

"Do I get any more, or is that it, since I'm on the naughty list?" she asked, her lips brushing against his when she smiled.  

Phil grinned, his other hand coming up to twist into her hair as he kissed her again, more deeply this time.  Her belly swooped and she reached up to grasp his white-t-shirt, holding him in place.  

His lips caressed hers, his tongue prodding gently at her bottom lip, coaxing her to part her lips, tilting her head to better slot her mouth over his.

Time basically stood still. A little bit holiday magic and a little bit Peppermint Schnapps.  And neither of them noticed when someone entered the office.  Not until she spoke, anyway...

"Hey… is that my Schnapps?"  

[gunophilia]

Meeting Frank

Nathan had been glued to Kris’s hip the entire night. Everybody here was at least four years older than him, and they hadn’t ignored him, not exactly, but they hadn’t really acknowledged him either. Why had Kris brought him here?

Nathan felt like causing a scene, just to get people to notice him.

The house was full with sweaty, drunk teenagers, grinding on each other or otherwise trying to communicate by screaming on top of the music. Nathan didn’t know what the big deal was about parties or why his sister wanted to come. They were currently sitting on the kitchen counter, Nathan’s legs dangling in an embarrassing reminder that he was younger than everyone else. They were talking about high school gossip or something, nothing Nathan could really understand.

“And that’s not all! Eli, Stephanie, Jude, and I broke into the school at night to go to the pool. We skinny dipped,” giggled a drunk blonde with busty tits.

Kris scrunched her nose but laughed. “You guys were naked in the school pool? I’m never going swimming again,” Kris joked.

“In the school or forever?” Asked another girl.

“Forever,” Kris took a sip out of her cranberry juice. “I don’t think I’ll ever get the image of you guys swimming ass naked out of my head ever again.”

They fell into drunken giggles, with the exception of Kris who was sober to ‘set an example to her little brother’ or some bullshit like that. Nathan knew she was just using it as an excuse to avoid drinking altogether.

“Who’s ass naked?” A guy with long, greasy hair walked into the kitchen, a red solo cup in his hand. He was wearing a worn, olive bomber jacket and a cheeky grin.

A couple of the girls rolled their eyes at him and Kris sighed. “Nobody, you perv,” she said.

“Shame. And here I was hoping to see a full moon tonight,” he laughed at his own joke, taking a long swig from the cup.

A couple of the girls laughed too, Kris took a sip of her drink.

“So, what are we talking about here, ladies?” He leaned on the kitchen island, propping himself up by the elbows.

“I was telling them about how I went skinny dipping with the others. Thanks, by the way,” said the blonde.

He finger gunned at her, “No problem, Monica.”

Kris frowned. “I’m confused.”

“He got us the keys to the building; it’s how we broke in,” Monica explained. “Wasn’t cheap, though.”

“I am suddenly uninterested in this story. Wow. Unbelievable.”

“Don’t knock it ‘till you try it, darling. I usually charge for my shit, but for you I’ll make a special exception,” he winked at Kris and Nathan gagged.

Kris got down from the counter, face red as a beet. “Bathroom. Now,” she addressed to her girl-friends and marched away. Nathan moved to follow her, but she stopped him. “Sorry, Nate, girls only.”

Nathan protested, really, really, really not wanting to be left alone. Kris gave him an apologetic look and promised she would be back soon. And that was how Nathan found himself alone in the kitchen with some weirdo jackass.

Nathan sat back on the counter, arms crossed, glaring daggers into him to try to get him to leave. He was ignoring him, swishing his cup around, not really giving a shit that he was alone with a kid.

He was about to bang his heels against the counter with the hopes of being annoying enough that he would leave, when the creep spoke up. “If looks could kill, kid, you would have murdered me ten times over.”

“You made her leave,” Nathan spoke in what he hoped was a menacing way.

“Yeah, they’re probably saying all kinds of shit in there. Can’t blame ‘em. Your sister’s a hard ass, I’ll give you that.”

“You’re a pervert,” Nathan answered.

“You will be too in a few years. Tell me, kid, have your balls dropped yet?”

“Fuck you.”

The guy laughed at that, a gruff rasping sound. He wiped a tear off his eye for effect. “You got a mouth on you, I like that. What’s your name?”

Nathan didn’t reply, only scowled at him.

“Alright, fine. Since you asked, I’m Frank. Frank Bowers.” He waited for Nathan to introduce himself, but he still kept his mouth shut. “If you’re not going tell me your name, I’m just going to call you something stupid like Weiner, or Stumpy, or Pompidou—”

“Nathan.”

“See? That wasn’t so hard.”

Nathan was sick of him. He wanted to get down from the counter and walk home. Or punch him. Punching him sounded good.

“You seem a little tense, Nathan,” Frank answered, scratching the stubble on his chin. “I got something here that might help take the edge of things. Now, I usually charge for this, but since I feel like we got on the wrong foot, consider this a favor.” He dug around in his pockets and took out a roll of paper.

Nathan frowned at it. “Smoking’s bad for you.”

“Naw, this isn’t a cigarette, don’t worry about it. It’s weed, ever heard of it?”

Nathan shook his head.

“Well, there’s zero nicotine in this, so it’s not addictive and it won’t fuck up your lungs. But it’ll make you feel good. You’ll be able to enjoy yourself and relaaax. Hell, it might even help you lose a few pounds.”

Nathan eyed the weed warily, but the idea was really tempting to him. How different could it be from all the pills he was taking? He reached over and took it between his fingers, holding it gingerly.

“Here, I’ll smoke with you,” Frank took another roll of weed and put it between his lips, lighting it up. He also lit Nathan’s.

“There we go. Just breathe in, hold it a while, and blow it out. Easy,” Frank explained.

Nathan followed the instructions, but he fucked up somehow because he ended up in a wracking cough. Frank didn’t laugh at him, though. “Yeah, takes some getting used to,” he said. “Just try again.”

It was warm, really warm. The cloud of smoke settled in his lungs felt nice and comforting. A few more hits and Nathan began feeling light headed. Everything felt slow, but he didn’t mind.

“How’s it feel?” Frank asked.

“Weird.”

Frank grinned. “Good weird, right?”

“Yeah,” Nathan blew out smoke, “good weird.”

A few minutes later and Frank and he were smiling and laughing like dumbasses, talking about the stupidest shit.

“Puberty’s the worst, man,” Frank said, scratching his chin again, “it was pretty bad for me too. I had acne so bad none of the girls would come near me. Don’t get me started about the body odor either. The weirdest part, though, the weirdest shit was noticing that this girl Kimmy from my class, actually had boobs. I don’t know why I never noticed them before, they were huge. Have you noticed any girls yet?”

“Of course I have, I’m not a little kid anymoORE,” Nathan’s voice cracked embarrassingly, disproving his point. Frank broke out laughing. “It’s not funny!”

It was that this moment that Kris and her friends came back from the bathroom. Kris gave an exasperated sigh when she noticed Frank hadn’t left, which quickly turned into a gasp of horror when she saw that Nathan was smoking.

“Oh my God, Frank, are you fucking crazy?” She snatched the joint from Nathan��s fingers and threw it into the sink. “He’s thirteen years old! What do you think you’re doing?”

“Relax sugar tits. He was just telling me how mature he was. Besides, it’s just a little molly, no big deal.”

Kris’s eyes went as wide as saucers. “You gave him what?!”

Frank thought Kris’s reaction hilarious, and he howled with laughter. “Oh man, you should have seen the look on your face. The kid’s only had weed. C’mon, even a hardass like you has to have smoked.”

“I’m not like you, Frank,” Kris crossed her arms and gave him the nastiest glare Nathan had ever seen. “And neither is Nathan. Come on, we’re going.”

“Let the kid live a little.”

She grabbed Nathan’s hand and led him away from the party, away from Frank. Before leaving, she looked over her shoulder. “Stay away from my baby brother.”

Frank crossed his fingers. “No promises, darling. Hey, kid,” he looked at Nathan, “see you around, alright?”

“Yeah,” Nathan agreed, too relaxed to be stressed about his sister’s indignified gasp. She pulled him out the door and into the car, giving him a lecture on drugs and addictive substances. Nathan didn’t catch any of it.

Maybe parties weren’t so bad.

A/N Happy Birthday to me! Just a quick one-shot of how Nathan and Frank met in Exposure. An update should come soon but in the meantime I hope you enjoyed this short flashback. :)