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ppangjae · 4 years ago

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CLOSE TO YOU || ONE.

SUMMARY. You and Jaehyun have been dancing around each other for years, never finding the courage to speak up on your feelings. But here’s the problem: you and Jaehyun aren’t friends nor acquaintances, you’re two complete strangers who share nothing but several undergraduate classes and a strong, drawn connection.

— you’re both strangers until you’re not.

WORD COUNT. 10k+ words

warnings. mentions of death, blood, and lots of swearing

author’s note. ever wondered how things would be if it was the other way around? where jaehyun got the letters instead of y/n? i have. so here’s my take. happy reading~

BEFORE YOU CONTINUE READING remember this legend:

bold text represents text from jaehyun’s letters from another parallel world,

“Dialect in italicized.” text is what is happening in another parallel world

playlist. (they long to be) close to you by the carpenters | try again by d.ear and jaehyun | make your day by nct 127 | feelings by lauv | in the fall by hwasa and woogie

taglist: @justineasian @ketyscott @jaehyunnie77 @thoreeo @komoruarchives @midjung @keemburley @sista7-7 @aespaism @fluffyjaes @chenlesdeathglare @painted-hills @reallythoughtfulwizard @sprngfeverr @ppeachyttae @yoonohing @canicallyounana @dearyuno @wayvexo @the-universe-in-you-jjh @aerocityy @guiltyversion @sunshinein17 @lauraneuuh @back2ujae @hwangful @doievoir @jaemdonuts @minsugammadex @subhyuck @luvemme @yongflm @mcu-incorrect @ukiyoneo @billiondollarworth @seventeeneration @kravitee @daeqal @divinekhate @donutswithjaminthemiddle @sourirensoleille @tobiobb @sehunniepotwrites @sibehpoor (note: some of the tags aren’t working!)

PART ONE. | PART TWO.

October 2021:

Undergraduate studies is nothing but a huge sigh. Frustrated sighs when your group members finish their assigned parts right before the due time of 11:59 pm, sad sighs when you walk out of the exam room after a brutal term test that made you want to fling yourself into the depths of nowhere, and a sigh of relief when somehow things turn out better than you initially expected. But you’re in your third year of your undergraduate studies and those frustrated and sad sighs turn into happy sighs because you just can’t wait to get out of this hell hole. You just can’t wait to graduate next year, hang up your college diploma somewhere in the living room so that your parents have something good to look at when they’re having a cup of coffee, and find a stable job that pays enough money for you to finally move out—

Sigh. Your thoughts are cut short when your best friend, Jungwoo, lets out a tiring sigh. Glancing at him with a questioning look, he adjusts his round glasses that slid down his nose before pouting at you. He turns his laptop so that you could get a good look at the screen. “Look at him. He’s literally just eating in front of a camera and he’s earning far much more money than what I’m earning at my internship. Should I just quit my internship and eat in front of a camera instead—”

“We’re literally a year away from graduating, Jungwoo.” You remind him, patting his fluffy ash brown hair. “Just hold on a bit longer and we’ll finally be able to get that good money we’ve dreamt of earning, move out of our homes, move in together, and live the best fucking life we wanted—”

“But Y/N, that’s a long way to go—”

“And you think taking shortcuts like eating in front of a camera and uploading it to YouTube would be the easy path to our dreams?” You raise an eyebrow. He frowns. “Short term? Sure. But long term? Absolutely not. Now, go and finish your thesis before I whack you in the head with my textbook.”

“You wouldn’t do that to me.” Jungwoo sticks his tongue out at you. “You love me. I’m your best friend.”

You’re grabbing your textbook and five seconds away from whacking his face with it. “You’re such a spoiled brat—” But you don’t. Your eyes land on a familiar guy shooting some hoops at the basketball court. You have a long attention span, but when it came to him—

“Just say hi or something.” Jungwoo seems to notice who you’re exactly looking at. You gently place down your textbook. “Jaehyun’s not that scary or intimidating. In fact, he’s the complete opposite. You’re just too fucking introverted and shy to do it—”

“I am not.”

“You are.” Jungwoo smirks. “I must say though, you have such great taste. Jaehyun is such a refined man, so beautiful and handsome. No wonder all the girls in his program find every opportunity to make themselves known to him.”

“And that is exactly why I won’t introduce myself to him.” You shake your head. “Do I want him to know who I am? Yes. Do I want to befriend him? Of course. But do I want to be like all those other girls? No. Absolutely not.”

“But the both of you are literally just dancing around each other!” Jungwoo exclaims. “And I’m your best friend, I am the key to connecting the two of you together. You should be using me to your advantage, Y/N.”

Jungwoo has a good point. Jaehyun and Jungwoo have been close friends since high school, and you had just met and gotten close with Jungwoo ever since freshman year of college. You would assume that you and Jaehyun would be close friends too, but surprisingly, you’re not. If you and Jaehyun were to become friends, it would be because of Jungwoo. Befriending Jaehyun would be simple, in fact, you had the upperhand in comparison to all the other girls in your program that find every opportunity to make themselves known to him.

“But I don’t want to use you, Jungwoo—”

“You should, though—”

“I want to meet him naturally—”

“You literally share six classes with him this year, and you even shared your entire first and second year classes with him. Third year was a different story. But three years, Y/N. Three! And you’re telling me that you want to meet him naturally?” Jungwoo huffs out with disbelief. “I get it, Y/N. You have the biggest crush on my best friend Jaehyun and you don’t know what to do about it—”

“If you put it that way, it makes me seem like I’m hopelessly in love with someone I barely even know—”

“Because it is what it seems.” He chuckles. “If you don’t befriend him by the end of this year, all your opportunities have gone to waste and I would be very much disappointed in you, Y/N. You had so many chances. You even have me.”

It’s your turn to sigh. You’re not sure how to describe this sigh. You’re sighing because you want to meet him naturally, become his friend, have late night talks with him, maybe grab coffee with him. But you’re also sighing because you just don’t have the confidence or bravery to even step outside the boundaries of being a stranger.

Jungwoo stares at you as you continue to look conflicted. He always wonders what goes on in that head of yours. But the one thing that he’s sure of is that you have a dense skull. You’re too oblivious. Your phone begins to ring, bringing you back to reality. Jungwoo tears his gaze away from you and somehow, his eyes land on Jaehyun. Coincidentally, Jungwoo catches Jaehyun sneaking a glance at you from across the campus field.

He’s in the middle of it all. His two close friends are dancing around each other and have been for years, never finding the courage to speak up on your feelings. Jungwoo’s sure that you’re both aware of the unexplainable connection you both share. He wants to believe that fate has its own timing for the two of you, and you will eventually cross paths the way you’re destined to. But at the same time, he can’t help but grow frustrated seeing the both of you try to communicate with lingering gazes.

How much longer will he continue to watch his two close friends pine after each other? He’s not sure.

Will it happen eventually? Now that is something he’s 100% sure of.

November 2021:

“Highest mark in the class yet again, Y/N.”

You get your term assignment back from your professor, who’s beaming at you with his pearly white teeth. Too consumed and occupied by the 100 written in large red Sharpie ink, a small smile begins to play across your lips. Skimming through the papers of your assignment, you read the positive comments and feedback your professor, Professor Kim, had left.

Being an architect was something you had dreamt of becoming. In fact, your father’s an architect, so it made sense that you inherited the same passion he had for it. Stopping in your tracks just before you reach the steps leading to your seat in the middle of the auditorium, you sense someone staring at you and you look up from your paper. Your eyes meet a familiar pair.

Jaehyun knows for a fact that his ears are red. Really red. Eyebrows slightly raised in surprise, he’s the first to look away from you, settling his gaze on his laptop screen with a blank Word document. His heart is beating incredibly fast and it takes him minutes to even realize that he’s just blankly staring at his laptop screen. After giving it a couple of seconds, he slowly looks up from his laptop screen to find you sitting at your seat with your back facing him, looking through your assignment.

“J-Jaehyun?” It’s a small, shy voice. He tears his gaze away from you. He’s face-to-face with a girl he didn’t even know was in his class. She has her notebook open, hesitantly extended out towards him. She bites her lip nervously. “I don’t understand the concept Professor Kim explained yesterday. Do you mind explaining it to me?”

Your ears perk up at the sound of a woman’s voice calling out Jaehyun’s name. You bite your lip, muting out their conversation that you can hear from metres away. It’s times like these where you wish you had the courage and bravery to approach Jaehyun. Other girls make it look so easy while you experience nothing but an internal fight with your shy and introverted self.

You’ve always wondered if Jaehyun ever felt drawn to you, because you sure feel drawn to him. It’s an unexplainable feeling. Whenever you would steal a glance, he would already be looking at you. Often you’d quickly play it off, pretend like you were looking at the person behind him, or look at the floor for something you accidentally dropped. Your heart would beat faster than horsepower and you were afraid that your heart would thump out of your chest. You wonder if he feels what you feel. You wonder… because that’s all you could possibly do.

“Now, we’re reaching the end of the term, as you all are aware.” Professor Kim announces after handing back everyone’s assignment. The whole auditorium erupts into loud groans and tired sighs, but Professor Kim’s eyes meet your curious ones and he breaks out into a smile. He pulls up a PowerPoint presentation on the projected screen and clasps his hands together. “I know I just handed you back your term assignments but I figured assigning your final assignment due in three months would be a great idea to give you all a head start.”

Looking up at the presentation, you see the words ‘sweet escape’ and ‘sweet home’ plastered at the top of the PowerPoint slide. Right underneath are the instructions of the final assignment. Someone beside you nudges your shoulder, handing you a pile of assignment instruction copies. Taking one for yourself and passing the pile to the person beside you, your eyes remain glued to the presentation.

“Your final assignment will be worth thirty percent of your final mark in this class.” Professor Kim continues to explain. “The assignment is simple; you and your partner will construct—along with the mathematical calculations, of course—a building that represents your vision of sweet escape or sweet home.”

“Partner?” You mumble to yourself. Everyone around you are already whispering to their friends, asking if they want to be partners for this project. Meanwhile, you’re having trouble thinking of someone you could partner up with. Your eyes search for Wendy, who sits in the front row, but she’s already talking to Seulgi who sits right next to her. You glance at Sicheng, who’s sitting two rows ahead of you, but he’s already talking to Ten. You sigh. They’re your only friends in this class.

“Before you all start picking partners, I hate to break it to you but I have already assigned everyone to a partner.” Everyone groans. Professor Kim shrugs his shoulders. “I assigned partners based on their overall performance in the course so far. If you were doing well, you were most likely partnered up with someone who’s doing just as well as you. There’s nothing to worry about. If there are any issues with partners, you know you can always let me know. There’s a reason why I have office hours.”

You let out a sigh of relief. Professor Kim switches to the slide with the list of names and their assigned partners. Your eyes scan the long list for your name, and right when you find your name, your eyes read your assigned partner’s name typed right next to yours.

Jeong Jaehyun. “J-Jeong Jaehyun?” You mumble to yourself. Gulping nervously, you glance at Professor Kim, who flashes you a grin. This was definitely planned by Professor Kim. Although you consider yourself one of his favourites in the course, you knew that it would have its consequences… such as situations like these. He probably knows the tension you have with Jaehyun and figured pairing you up will allow the tension to dissipate into thin air. You’re not sure if having an assigned partner would be a sigh of relief anymore, it’s just a fast-beating, nervous heart.

“The main thing I will be focusing on for the marking of this assignment is whether it promotes green architecture; sustainability. I’m also looking for creativity, I want your sweet escape to reflect the personalities of both you and your partner combined. I don’t want some half-assed building that I’ve already seen on my way to campus. Does everyone understand?”

“Does he want some futuristic building or some shit?” One of your peers mutters underneath their breath.

“I will add more office hours specifically for this final assignment.” Professor Kim looks down at his watch. He has five more minutes to speak before class is over. “After I dismiss you from this class, please get in touch with your assigned partners, I’m sure you all took a picture of the slide with your names. If not, I will post the list on the discussion board. And with that, class has ended.”

It is a couple of minutes after the class is dismissed when you feel a light tap on your shoulder. You look over your shoulder to see Jaehyun flashing you a small smile and a slight wave of his hand. Straightening up your posture, you abruptly stand on your two feet, looking quite bewildered by his sudden presence. You probably looked insane, but you were just really nervous. He scratches the back of his neck, barely uttering out a word. You stand there, awkwardly, watching him silently reach into the pocket of his jean jacket for his phone. He’s hesitantly handing you his phone.

“It seems we’re assigned together for this project.” He begins. He’s speaking ever so softly, his voice flowing gently and slowly like sweet honey. You gawk at him. “Can I get your number so that we can arrange a schedule to work on the project?”

Your eyes trail down to his phone and you gently grab it from him. Jaehyun can’t even look at you directly. Whenever you’re metres away or across the room or far off into the distance, Jaehyun can look straight at you. But why is it that when you’re standing right in front of him, face-to-face, he can’t look at you? Why does he feel shy—

“Uh—Your phone—It’s locked.” You stammer.

His eyebrows raise. “Ah, sorry about that.”

You fiddle with your fingers and bite the inside of your cheek as he enters his passcode to unlock his phone. Handing his phone back to you, you input your phone number and name before returning it to him.

“T-Thanks.” He says nervously, scratching the back of his neck. “I’m Jaehyun, by the way.”

“I know—I mean—” You clamp your mouth shut. You’re doing too much damage. Where’s the damage control? “I’m Y/N.”

He stares at you for a brief moment before breaking out into a huge smile. “I know.”

Before you could utter out a word or a simple ‘nice to meet you’, Jaehyun’s already rushing out the door. Jaehyun just knows that his ears are extremely red because his cheeks feel warm. Just before he reaches the door, he halts in his steps to look at you one last time. You’re standing there, speechless.

“Hey, Y/N?” He calls out to you, snapping you out of your trance.

You spot Jaehyun standing at the door, gripping onto the strap of his backpack. He smiles. Maybe this was the start of something new. Maybe this was a new beginning to a new friendship. “Yes, Jaehyun?”

“It’s nice to have finally met you.”

At your first study session, Jaehyun arrives at the cafe ten minutes earlier than you. He picks a booth near the window, looking out of it every now and then in case he catches you arriving. His order of two iced coffees arrive at the booth, minutes before you walk into the cafe. You’re dressed up in an oversized t-shirt and a pair of black skinny jeans, hair tied up into a low, messy bun and a denim jacket to keep you warm from the chilly weather. Entering the cafe, you’re hit with the strong aroma of coffee beans and espresso, a small smile lingering across your lips. Your eyes search around the cafe until you hear a familiar voice call out your name. Sitting at the far end of the cafe, Jaehyun waves you over and holds up two iced coffee drinks in both hands.

Heart racing, stomach filled with butterflies, clammy hands, saying you weren’t nervous would be an understatement. You were so nervous that you spent the entire night thinking about it, falling asleep an hour before your alarm clock set off. You snoozed your alarm clock many times this morning and because of it, you were running late.

Dear Jaehyun,

With hesitant steps, you find yourself heading to the booth, gripping tightly onto the strap of your tote bag. “Hey—”

Remember me? I am you from the future.

Today, Y/N will run late to your work session. I’m sure you already made up your mind about getting her iced coffee. That’s a good idea.

“I wasn’t sure what you wanted, so I got you iced coffee.” His expression is bright, so bashful that you look at him with raised eyebrows, in awe. When you take too long to formulate a response, his bright eyes turn worried and he begins to panic. “I hope you like iced coffee but—if you don’t like it, I can always get you a different drink—”

Iced coffee with three pumps of caramel is her favourite.

“Oh, no!” You blurt out after coming to your senses. “I—I love iced coffee! You’re fine. Thank you, I was just a bit taken aback because you didn’t need to get me anything, I feel bad for arriving late too—”

Tell her that she’s not late and that you’re just too early.

“No worries.” His face softens. “And you’re not late. I’m just too early.”

Settling down in the seat across from him, you pull out your things. Jaehyun watches you from behind his laptop screen. Jaehyun’s noticed many little things about you. You’re left-handed, you always have your hair up in a messy bun or ponytail, you fiddle with your fingers when you're nervous, and you bite your straws when you’re halfway done with your drink.

“Shall we get started?” His eyebrows raise. You’re looking directly into his eyes.

He nods his head. “S-Sure.”

But there are many things he has noticed about you that no one else has.

“Thanks for the coffee.”

You and Jaehyun have been productive all afternoon, creating a plan along with its respective deadlines to follow. Never would you have imagined closing the distance between you and Jaehyun. Whenever you would try to reach out to him, he would be twenty steps away. But standing next to each other like this, arms gently brushing against each other, unspoken thoughts, you’ll be more than satisfied. You just hope that your unspoken thoughts are somehow heard by him.

“Do you always take this bus route home?” He questions out of nowhere. She always has.

You slowly nod your head in reply. “Always. Do you?” You don’t.

He tilts his head in confusion. “That’s quite odd.”

“What’s odd?” In fact, you live on the other side of her bus route.

“I always take this bus route home too.” He begins to explain. “It’s odd that we’ve become friends now rather than years ago. It seems that there were many chances for our paths to cross.”

Jaehyun had a point. You always knew Jaehyun took this bus route going home. You would always sit in the back of the bus on days where afternoons weren’t busy and he would always stand near the front, helping the elderly get to their seat. As a spectator and observer, those were one of the many things you admired about Jaehyun. You and Jaehyun have shared many classes throughout your undergrad years, but you would always sit far from him, sitting behind him was ideal, because it gave you the chance to admire him from afar. There were many chances for your paths to cross, and you fear that you would let it drag on until you’re too late.

The bus arrives and surprisingly, it’s not full. There are many empty seats available. Tapping your card against the card reader, you head straight to the back of the bus, plopping your butt down on one of the empty seats. Jaehyun follows suit, taking the empty seat right next to yours. Your breath hitches in your throat and you distract yourself by looking outside the window. The bus begins to move on its route.

“What’s your favourite colour?” He asks out of nowhere.

You raise an eyebrow. “Blue.”

Suddenly, he pulls out a set of earphones and plugs it into his phone, handing you one of them. You look at him, doe-eyed and hesitant. He senses your hesitancy and places the earphone into your ear himself, flashing you a warm smile. “It’s a long ride.”

And indeed, it is a long ride. Fourteen stops in, Jaehyun finally hits the stop request button. He’s slinging his bag over his shoulder, slowly getting up from his seat and waving goodbye. “This is me.”

You nod. “I’ll see you when I see you.”

Just as he’s about to get off, he gives you one last glance and calls out your name. You tear your gaze away from the window to look at him. “Text me when you get home safely.”

You chuckle. “Yes, sir.”

“I’ll be waiting for your text,” he says. “See you, Y/N.”

Jaehyun hops off of the bus and stands in the waiting shed, watching the bus drive away. As the bus gets smaller and smaller, he blows a raspberry, crossing the road. When he’s finally on the opposite side of the road, he heads to the waiting shed for a bus that’ll take him back to where he came from.

No matter what, always take the bus home with Y/N.

No matter what.

You let out a tiring sigh, yawning right after. Stretching out your arms, you get up from your seat to get off at the next stop. Out the window, apartments and buildings slowly transform into parking lots and a hospital.

“Next stop, Seoul National Health Network.”

You request the bus to stop.

On the bus ride back to where he came from, Jaehyun takes the seat at the back of the bus. The bus is quite empty this afternoon, with a couple of elderly people sitting near the front and a couple of high school students occupying the seats in the middle. Jaehyun zips one of his backpack pockets open, pulling out an envelope. Written on the envelope is his name with the handwriting itself identical to his own. Opening the envelope, he pulls out a letter. It’s a tear-stained letter, with some of the ink smudging because of it. But it’s a letter written from him, his future self.

Dear Jaehyun,

Remember me? I am you. You are me. The only difference is time. I am you from the future.

Since this is the first time you’ll be taking the bus home with Y/N, I figured I would give you the reasons why in advance. You’re probably curious as to why you need to fulfill such an odd request. But it’s more than just a simple, odd request. I want you to remember a date.

May 26th, 2022.

On this day, no matter what, I want you to take the bus home with Y/N. Even better, I want you to get off at the same stop as her. On May 26th, 2022, Y/N got into a car accident. Unfortunately, she wasn’t able to make it and passed away because her body succumbed to her fatal injuries. It might be difficult to even imagine a world without Y/N, but it happened.

As I write you this letter, I’ll be paying her a visit at the cemetery with Jungwoo. As I write you this letter, I’m doing this as a means to cope with it, where I would imagine a parallel world where we both exist and no one leaves the other behind. I imagine a parallel world where Y/N doesn’t pass away, where I am able to save her, where I am able to tell her how I feel.

As you can tell, I have many regrets. But I’ll get into those regrets later, not today.

No matter what, always take the bus home with Y/N.

No matter what.

The next time Jaehyun sees you, you’re pushing the book carts down the aisles of the campus library. He sets his things down on one of the empty study tables, his feet having a mind of its own and taking steps closer to you. He’s at least three metres away when you stop at aisle 12, grabbing a couple of books from the cart. Jaehyun shoves his hands into his pockets, walking down the aisle. He’s surprised you haven’t sensed his presence yet, you’re too occupied with your task. He clears his throat, almost a bit too loudly that you jump in your spot, completely startled.

He smiles when his eyes meet your widened ones. You almost burst out into a fit of giggles, but you stop yourself and instead, hush him. “What are you doing here?”

“I’m here to do some research for our project,” he whispers. “Are you here for your shift?”

You let out a tired yawn, nodding your head in reply. “Correct.”

Getting back to work, you place one of the books onto the shelf, walking back to the book cart to return more books in the same aisle. From the corner of your eye, you see Jaehyun stand next to you at the book cart, picking up some books for himself. Looking up at him, you raise an eyebrow questioningly. Silence. He shrugs his shoulders, placing some of the books back in its respective shelves. You stand there, mouth agape.

“Jaehyun, I don’t want to burden you, I can do it—”

“Let me—” He insists but you’re reaching out to take the books away from him. His grip on the books tighten when you tug them back.

“No, I’ll get in trouble—” You cut him off, but he sticks out his tongue at you.

“I want to help you. There’s a difference.” It’s enough for you to give up. “Besides, you can’t get in trouble, I volunteered to help you. You didn’t force me to, right?”

You frown. “Fine. Whatever floats your boat, I guess.”

Jaehyun stares at you as you continue to do your job, placing returned books on their shelves. An idea pops up in Jaehyun’s head and he’s quickly putting away the books he has in his hands. You’re so busy that you barely notice Jaehyun leaves you all alone in the aisle to finish your job. It is when you’re ready to move onto the next aisle when you realize that Jaehyun has already left. Walking through the library with your book cart, you stop in your tracks when you see Jaehyun’s things sitting on top of one of the tables.

Dear Jaehyun,

November 23rd, 2021. I want you to go study at the library. I know you have basketball practice, but screw it, practice can wait. I want you to arrive late to basketball practice and if Coach asks you why, just tell him you had a family emergency.

When you arrive at the library, you will find Y/N working her shift. She will be pushing a huge cart filled with returned books. She may seem like she’s doing alright, her smile may seem bright. But that day, she was putting up a front.

That day, she received bad news. Eventually, I will tell you what really happened but now’s not the time. That day, Y/N wasn’t scheduled to work but because she received bad news, she picked up a shift to distract herself. She’s not doing okay and therefore, this is what I want you to do.

He enters the small convenience store just outside of campus. The old lady working the cash register greets him with a warm smile, nodding her head at him. Jaehyun’s a regular at this convenience store, he would always drop by to buy some snacks on his way back home or get himself a cup of coffee to keep himself awake during library study sessions. Sometimes, he would even help the old lady put canned goods and products on the shelves she can’t reach.

He walks to the coffee station, preparing two cups of coffee. When he finishes, he places the cups of coffee onto the counter and the old lady raises an eyebrow at him. “I’ll get these two cups of coffee.”

She punches in the price for two drinks, glancing at him and fixing her glasses that are sliding down the bridge of her nose. “That’ll be seven bucks.”

Jaehyun reaches into his pocket and he freezes. Patting his front pockets and his back pockets, he looks up at the old lady with a flustered gaze. “I forgot my wallet. I’ll be right back, I left my things at the library! I’ll come back with the payment—”

“Don’t worry about it. It’ll be on me.” She waves it off, pushing the cups of coffee towards him. “Besides, you wouldn’t want her waiting for you, right?”

“Thank you,” he smiles, but then it dawns on him. “Wait.. sorry?”

“Hurry up and take the drinks before they get cold. I’m sure you don’t want her waiting too long for you.”

Jaehyun blinks and it all starts to make sense. He feels his cheeks heat up, nodding his head and grabbing the drinks. He smiles. “Thanks again!”

He’s rushing out of the convenience store and speedwalks back to the library. At the same time, he’s making sure that the coffee doesn’t spill over.

I want you to help her finish her job. Make her laugh. Buy her a coffee. I want you to do anything that’ll make her feel better. I want you to do something that will help carry her burdens.

You yawn, running a hand through your hair. You still have many books to shelve. Pushing the cart down the aisle, you decide to sneak a quick glance at the table where Jaehyun placed his things. His things have disappeared, but there’s a cup of coffee sitting on top of the table. Squinting your eyes, you see your name scribbled on a post-it note that’s stuck to the cup of coffee. Walking closer to the table, indeed, your name is written on the post-it note. But written right after your name, is a small note.

Y/N,

Enjoy this cup of coffee! You looked really tired and I was concerned. Don’t overwork yourself! Don’t be so hard on yourself. Always take breaks! If you’re ever going through anything, don’t be afraid to reach out. I’ll be all ears. Anything for you! See you tomorrow!

-Jaehyun

Teary-eyed, you pick up the cup of coffee and take a quick sip. The drink is still warm. You look around the library in case Jaehyun is still there, but after searching, you’ve concluded that he’s already left. You smile, but this time, it’s a genuine smile.

“Jaehyun, hurry up, we’re already late for basketball practice!”

You head snaps towards the window, where you spot Jaehyun rushing to Johnny’s car. Jaehyun’s struggling to throw his backpack over his shoulders, fumbling with the straps as he hops into his car.

“Sorry, I had to do something really quickly!”

Sounds of guys playing soccer a couple of metres away and birds chirping ring softly against his ears. The sun is hitting against his skin that’s glistening with sweat after an intense basketball practice. The next letter Jaehyun receives appears in between the pages of his textbook. It’s a short letter this time around, a few paragraphs scribbled on the piece of paper. Resting up against a tree, he pulls out the letter from its envelope and begins to read through it.

Dear Jaehyun,

There are many things you should know, but it’s difficult to find the perfect timing to tell you. Y/N’s passing is surely a surprise, huh? Her passing was so sudden and unexpected, tragic and unfortunate. It would be an understatement to say that I am not grieving over her absence. It’s been nine years since I last saw Y/N, her beautiful smile, her bright aura, her kind soul. There are many times where I wished she would’ve stayed here on earth a bit longer. There are many more moments where I would regret not telling her how I feel.

I’m sure you know what I’m talking about.

I want you to focus on how your heart skips a beat faster whenever you’re around Y/N.

I want you to become more aware of the wide smile you have on your face whenever you spot her or whenever she crosses your mind. You’ve never smiled that wide or bright with and for anyone else.

I want you to keep in mind how you’ve gone out of your way or thought of going out of your way for Y/N. That is simply not something you do for just anyone.

You’re in love with Y/N.

I’ve been in love with Y/N the moment I laid my eyes on her in freshman year. Y/N was different from all the girls on campus. Y/N kept to herself, she had one friend and that was Jungwoo, she always strived to get the best marks, she cared for others, and she was intuitive with her emotions. Y/N was a mystery.

The mistake I made was not telling her.

If you ever get this letter, I want you to stop yourself from making the same mistake. I want you to tell Y/N how you feel about her.

And you will fulfill this promise beginning with Kim Doyoung.

“Watch out!”

The moment Jaehyun looks up from his letter, a soccer ball hits him straight in the face. He groans, grabbing his face with his hands. From the impact and force of the soccer ball, Jaehyun is sure that his cheek will start bruising. He opens one eye, looking down at a pair of shoes.

“Are you alright?” Jaehyun looks up to see a guy somewhere around his age, offering him a hand. Jaehyun slowly nods his head, letting out another groan. “Sorry about that, one of my friends was a bit too competitive. You know teenagers these days… intense, passionate, and competitive. If anything, I’ll run to the convenience store to get you some ice!”

“I’m alright, thanks.” Jaehyun winces. He takes the offered hand and gets up from the ground. “That was a good aim.”

He shares a chuckle with the stranger. “Let me take you to the convenience store to get you some ice.”

“No worries, I think I will be alright.” Jaehyun reassures him.

“I’m not taking no for an answer—”

“How will I be sure you’re not plotting my murder?” Jaehyun mumbles underneath his breath,

“I forgot to introduce myself!” The stranger exclaims. “I’m Doyoung. Kim Doyoung. I’m a new student here, I transferred into the architecture program—”

Kim… Doyoung. Jaehyun stares at him a bit longer than he should. He looks at him a bit too intensely. Doyoung’s still introducing himself and his introduction is going through one ear and out the other. It may be the minor whiplash or an incoming concussion because Jaehyun finds Doyoung quite charming and good-looking. This is who he’ll be competing with? Well… damn.

He hears his name being called out by a familiar voice that he knows oh-so well. Jaehyun! Jaehyun!

“Jaehyun!” He tears his eyes away from Doyoung and he spots you running towards him.

“Hey… Y/N…” He says softly. He’s definitely not in his right state of mind.

“I’m so sorry for running late. Wendy was holding me back for a couple of more minutes because she was having trouble with her assignment—” You rush over, out of breath. It takes you a couple of seconds to notice that Jaehyun’s grabbing the side of his face with his hand. A wave of concern spreads across your face. “Are you alright? What happened to you?”

Jaehyun smiles sheepishly. “Well, what happened was that—”

“One of my friends kicked the soccer ball a bit too hard that it accidentally hit him in the face—Y/N?”

“Doyoung?”

Jaehyun’s eyes dart between the two of you. You’re looking at Doyoung with eyebrows raised in surprise and eyes filled with familiarity. Doyoung mirrors your expression. He squints his eyes at Doyoung. “You guys… know each other?”

“It’s been so long! How are you?” Doyoung asks, pulling you into a hug.

You pat Doyoung’s back and chuckle. “I’m doing great! Did you get transferred here? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“So, you guys do know each other.” Jaehyun’s head is pounding.

“I wanted to surprise you.” Doyoung smiles. Jaehyun wants to gag with disgust. Is this guy really trying to flirt with you right now? In front of him? It only makes his head hurt more. You seem oblivious of it though.

You glance at Jaehyun. “This is my childhood friend, Kim Doyoung.”

Childhood…

Childhood friend?

Everything blurs. The world is spinning. His legs feel like jello.

“I don’t think I feel too good.”

“Are you alright—”

“Jaehyun!”

His competition is your childhood friend?

Oh, and before I forget to tell you..

Kim Doyoung is Y/N’s childhood friend.

December 2021:

Hopping off of the rented tour bus, your mouth falls slightly open at the sight in front of you. From the corner of your eye, you see Jaehyun stand right next to you. He lets out a soft gasp. In front of you stands an unfinished elementary school. It’s been abandoned for quite some time, you assume, because most of it is covered with moss. The rest of the class hops off of the bus, along with Professor Kim, who begins a roll call.

“Wow…” Jaehyun trails off.

“Now that everyone’s here!” Professor Kim yells out. “Welcome to this semester’s class field assignment! I’m sure you all are aware of how this assignment goes because I’ve outlined it in the syllabus. But if not, I’ll give a brief summary because we don’t have much time to waste.”

“I’m excited,” you smile. “Are you?”

Jaehyun’s eyes meet yours and he nods. “Very.”

“As a class, you will all rebuild this elementary school that’s been abandoned for many years. Once it’s rebuilt, we will finally open it up to the community.” Professor Kim explains. “I have already assigned you in groups, but I have grouped you up in the same groups as your partner for your final assignment. Use this time to get to know more about your partner, see how they work, see how you both work together, and all that jazz. Am I understood?”

You and Jaehyun are assigned to rebuild one of the classrooms, along with Jungwoo and his partner Minhyuk. Somehow, Doyoung, who had just been transferred to the university and the program, was let off the hook for the final assignment, shifting most of the final assignment’s grade onto this field assignment in compensation. Oddly enough, Doyoung is assigned to your group.

“I think we should begin with a blueprint of how we want this classroom to turn out.” You suggest, placing a fresh new blueprint onto an abandoned desk. The five of you gather around the desk to begin discussion and sharing of ideas.

Jaehyun stares at you as you explain what you have in mind. He finds himself getting lost in your bright, passionate aura. Jaehyun’s always found you special in some sort of way. He is aware of the push and pull between the both of you. For three years, he’s been dancing around you. When other girls try to get his attention, he would find you sitting near the back or the corner of the lecture auditorium, focused on your work. When people took advantage of him and used him to get good marks or popularity, he would find you moving and working at your own pace, not a single thing bothering you.

It would be an understatement to say that Jaehyun didn’t admire you. Romantically or not. You had your own purpose. You had your own dreams. You had your own passion. Whenever Jaehyun looked at you, that was all he could see. That’s what he admires about you the most. You don’t put up a facade, a fake personality, you are you. And there’s something about you that draws him in. But it’s the same ‘something’ that makes him pull back out of hesitancy.

Admiring you from afar is all he could do. He’s afraid. He knows that he has some sort of feelings for you and it’s more than just admiring from afar. But there’s something that holds him back.

He’s been admiring you for three years. He had many chances to break the distance. Jungwoo, his best friend who is also your close friend, is one of the chances to create the connection. Your shared interests and program was another. Three years of being in the same classes was another. These letters he had received from his future self had even confirmed the feelings he already had for you. Jaehyun was in no rush. But Jaehyun made it simple.

If it happens, it happens. He wanted to meet you naturally. He wanted destiny to write its own fate.

“Jaehyun?”

He snaps out of his thoughts. The four of them are looking at him with curious gazes. When he looks at Jungwoo, Jungwoo grins and winks at him. His eyes land back on yours and you smile. God, that smile.

“Sorry?”

You chuckle. “I was asking if you wanted to share what you had in mind before we get started on recreating this classroom.”

Doyoung, who stands right beside you, breaks his stare. His eyes meet Doyoung’s. Doyoung smiles at him innocently, shoving his hands into his pockets. “Yeah, let’s hear your ideas, Jaehyun. I’m sure you have many.”

Jaehyun laughs it off, scratching the back of his neck nervously. “Well, here’s what I have in mind.”

As Jaehyun begins to sketch out his plan on the blueprint, everyone except Doyoung focuses on his sketch. Doyoung’s sweet, innocent smile begins to fade out and is replaced with squinted eyes and tightly pursed lips as he stares at Jaehyun with a look he can’t quite explain. Doyoung shifts his gaze away from Jaehyun to glance at you. You’re busy listening to Jaehyun, eyes filled with sparkle and stars whenever they’re looking at him. Doyoung holds in a sigh.

Dear Jaehyun,

Three days into the field assignment, there is something I want you to do. It is important. Don’t mess this up.

The first thing I want you to do is ride your bike to the elementary school. Under any circumstances, do not take the bus.

There’s something off about you today.

You trudge your way into the classroom. Everyone else has begun working on their assigned stations. Letting out a tiring yawn, you place your things down onto one of the desks before tying your hair up into a messy ponytail. It doesn’t take long until you let out another yawn. Your eyes flutter open and a cup of coffee is held right in front of your face.

“For you.”

Jaehyun grabs your hands and places the cup of coffee into them. He pats your pats and the top of your head before getting back to work. Standing there, in a daze, you snap out of it to look down at the cup of coffee. Familiar handwriting is written on the cup.

You can do this! We can do this! You looked like you needed this. Let’s be each other’s motivation, alright?

-Jaehyun

Looking up from the sweet note, you watch Jaehyun who’s busy taking measurements. Little did you know, Jaehyun could feel your burning stare on his back.

In advance, I want you to study the bike route going to Seoul’s National Health Network. It will come in handy. This is extremely important.

“Hey, Y/N, you wouldn’t guess who I bumped into this morning!”

Your ears perk up at Doyoung’s voice. You look at him questioningly. It takes you a moment for the dots to connect and when they do, you let out a soft gasp. “No, you’re kidding—”

“I’m not kidding.” Doyoung smiles. “Minjae is back in the city! She’s only going to be here for a couple of weeks, though. It’s part of her holiday break. Too bad we’re all stuck here working on a field assignment, huh?”

Doyoung will bring up a childhood friend that he and Y/N had known since they were kids.

“We have a lot of childhood memories with Minjae, huh?” You chuckle, finally getting to work. You decide to help Doyoung with his duties. He nudges you gently. “Should we pay her a visit?”

They’ll plan to visit their friend.

“We should go.” He wiggles his eyebrows. “Even better, let’s go after we wrap things up today.”

No matter what…

“We definitely should. It’s been a while!” You chuckle.

Do not let her go.

“Are you ready to go?”

Jaehyun places his pen down and folds the letter-sized paper enough to fit in an envelope. He could feel Jungwoo’s burning stare on his back. Jaehyun seals the envelope with a few pieces of tape and before he shoves the letter into his shoulder bag, he writes down his full name on it.

“Always.”

“I see you got her her favourite.” Jungwoo nods his head at the fresh bouquet of flowers sitting on the table.

Jaehyun glances at the bouquet of purple lilacs. First love. He smiles. “How could I forget?”

“We should get going.” Jungwoo says as he checks his wrist watch. “We wouldn’t want her waiting, do we?”

“Do you think we could stop by a post office on the way?” Jaehyun asks.

Jungwoo looks at the envelope sitting in the front pocket of Jaehyun’s bag. A small smile begins to spread across his lips. “Have you ever wondered if a Jaehyun from another universe received your letters?”

Jaehyun shrugs his shoulders. “It’s the only way I’ll get closure, I guess.”

“Maybe in another world, another universe, Y/N is out there. While she’s not here with us right now, in this world and in this lifetime, I just hope that she’s at least somewhere out there in another world and another lifetime.”

“Me too, Jungwoo.”

“Are you ready to go?”

You tear your gaze away from your phone that’s been vibrating a couple of times since you checked it about an hour ago. Doyoung has his things ready, gripping on the strap of his shoulder bag with one hand and the other shoved into the pocket of his black jeans.

You nod your head. “Ready—”

A voice cuts you off. “Hey, Y/N, someone’s trying to call you.”

Jaehyun hands you your phone and you look at the incoming calls and missed texts. Your eyebrows begin to knit together with concern and Jaehyun studies you. Doyoung rolls on the balls of his feet, waiting for you to hurry up. Jaehyun watches your concerned look transform into one of panic and worry.

“I—I have to go. I’m sorry, Doyoung, but I might have to pass on—”

“Aw, boo. It won’t take that long—” Doyoung begins, trying to find a way to convince you.

“Is it an emergency?” Jaehyun interrupts Doyoung.

You look at Jaehyun and it’s almost as if Jaehyun could read you like a book. Life has been sucked out of your eyes. Jaehyun slowly nods his head as he grabs his things. You flash Doyoung an apologetic look. “I’m sorry, Doyoung—”

“Whatever it is, you should take the bus home. I can take you. I can go with you too.” Doyoung insists and Jaehyun looks down at his phone for this bus schedule.

The letters turn out true. The last bus had just left.

“There’s no more buses for the rest of the night.” Jaehyun says softly. He turns to you. “It would be too late if you took the school bus back to campus only to take another bus.”

Your phone buzzes again. Looking down at the text message and reading it, your heart begins to race, beating faster than horsepower. “I can’t think straight.”

Now, this is where your bike will come in handy. “I brought my bike.” Jaehyun shoves his phone back into his pocket.

Thank me later.

He has never pedalled this fast in his entire life.

You have your arms wrapped around his waist as you both ride down a familiar route. It’s been about fifteen minutes since the both of you have left the field location site. Soon enough, you both reach your destination. Jaehyun slows down the bike as he gently squeezes the brake.

Seoul National Health Network.

There’s something you need to know, Jaehyun.

He accompanies you as you rush into the hospital. You seem to know exactly where you’re supposed to go. You head straight to the set of elevators. You know which floor to get off. You know that you have to turn two rights and a left when you get off the elevator. You know that you’re supposed to get to room 312.

Jaehyun stares at you as you barge into room 312, his eyes diverting and catching a first glimpse of an elderly woman lying down on a hospital bed. There are two nurses and a doctor standing around the hospital bed where the elderly woman is. They’re monitoring the woman’s heart monitor, barely even noticing Y/N’s arrival.

“Ah, Y/N, thank goodness! We were trying to get a hold of you for the past hour.”

“I’m so sorry. What happened to grandma? Is she alright?” Your eyes dart between the doctor and your grandmother, who’s peacefully sleeping. “Did something bad happen?”

The doctor gives you a look you can’t comprehend. You can feel your heart begin to sink into the pit of your stomach.

“Can I speak with you privately?”

It’s been about two hours since the two of you have arrived at the hospital. It’s been about an hour since Jaehyun decided to sit outside of your grandmother’s hospital room and wait for you to come back. Right when Jaehyun’s stomach begins to growl out of hunger, he hears the door open and watches you and the doctor come out. The doctor reassuringly pats your back and dismisses himself.

There’s something you should know about Y/N.

Your knees feel weak. Slowly looking up, your eyes filled with tears meet Jaehyun’s concerned ones. Jaehyun gets up just in time when you fall back onto the waiting bench, in complete shock.

Whenever you take the bus home with her, she’s not really going home. Have you noticed that the bike trip to the hospital is the same route she takes to go ‘home’?

You burst out into sobs. Y/N doesn’t go home.

She goes straight to the hospital to visit her grandmother, who’s terminally ill. Jaehyun takes a seat right next to you and pulls you closer to him. He pulls you into a comforting hug, not uttering a single word and allowing you to cry it all out.

Y/N may be the happiest and brightest person you’ve ever met. But behind all the smiles and laughter, the hard work and the achievements, she does it all for her grandmother.

She goes through it all on her own. Silently.

On this day, Y/N will find out that her grandmother only has a year left to live.

Ever since then, Y/N changed. She wasn’t the same Y/N you first met. She wasn’t the happy Y/N, the one who was carefree and looked at the brighter side of things.

Don’t let things turn out for the worst.

“Everything will be okay.” Jaehyun whispers into your hair.

That is my biggest regret.

Everything feels as if it’s dragging, slowly moving along, constant but repetitive. Jaehyun missed the bus this morning, you notice, as you busy yourself by looking outside of the window. All the trees you pass by are stripped of their autumn leaves, the skies are grey and the streets are empty. It reminds you of yourself. Your grandmother’s doctor’s voice echoes in your head over and over again and it’s more than enough for your eyes to start to tear up. Your grandmother’s diagnosis felt like ripping off a bandage, but the final examination results on her condition stripped you of your hope. Your life feels dull, almost grey, as if the colours that brightened up your life had been completely washed out. You feel empty.

Your grandmother has one year left to live. She doesn’t even know it. How are you supposed to tell her? Should you even tell her?

Suddenly, the bus abruptly halts to a stop. From the sudden force, you’re pushed forward and backwards in your seat. A few tears have slipped out of your eyes and you wipe them away with the ends of your sleeve.

“Is this seat taken?” It’s a familiar voice. You look up to see Jaehyun, a breathless Jaehyun, to be exact.

You slowly shake your head, flashing him a small, weak smile. He sits right next to you, letting out a huff of air, trying to catch his breath. You fiddle with your fingers, distracting yourself. From the corner of your eye, you could see Jaehyun glancing at you.

How are you supposed to start a conversation? It was just nights ago where you cried into his chest, soaking his shirt with your tears. It was just nights ago where the both of you biked to the hospital. It was just nights ago where someone finally learned of your secret, that someone being Jaehyun. You didn’t feel awkward, you just didn’t know how to pick up from the last time you saw him.

Jaehyun looks away. “If you’re not comfortable talking about it, then I won’t ask. But I hope you know that you shouldn’t shoulder this all on your own. I’m here to listen to whatever you want to say, alright?”

Your eyebrows slightly raise in surprise. Your face slowly softens. It’s almost as if Jaehyun had taken the words right out of your mouth. It’s almost as if Jaehyun had read your mind. Jaehyun didn’t need you to explain because he already knew.

Jaehyun hears you whisper. “Thank you, Jaehyun.”

He smiles, but it falters.

Don’t let things turn out for the worst.

That is my biggest regret.

“We’re here.”

Jaehyun tears his gaze away from the window. Jungwoo sets the car in park before unbuckling his seatbelt. Jaehyun’s grip on the bouquet of flowers begins to tighten as he grows tense and anxious.

“Can I go ahead first?” Jaehyun asks.

Jungwoo bites his lip and nods his head. “Of course. Take all the time you need. I’ll be waiting here in the car for Doyoung.”

Jaehyun gives a small smile before stepping out of the car. The bright sunlight immediately blinds him. He looks down at the bouquet of flowers. He looks back up at the bright sky.

“The weather’s beautiful outside, Y/N.”

He walks down a familiar path, passing tombstones and graves. Jaehyun had always been aware that people come and go. But when it came to you, it was almost as if his entire world had crashed down into flames. He never imagined you would come into his life and go not much longer after.

After a couple of minutes of walking, he finally arrives at his destination. Taking a comfortable seat on the grass, he places the bouquet of flowers right in front of a tombstone. Drawing in a deep breath, he leans in to dust some of the dirt off of the tombstone.

“Happy Birthday, Y/N.” He speaks into nowhere, hoping that maybe you can hear him.

You would have been a great architect.

You would have been a lovely young woman.

You had the entire future ahead of you.

“Trust me, the boys and I got you a birthday cake. Doyoung went to pick it up from the bakery, which is why he’s running late.” He chuckles. “In the meantime, let’s get started with your celebration!”

He pulls out his phone and begins to play a familiar song that holds so much meaning and memories. He turns up the volume, placing his phone right in front of him on the grass.

Why do birds suddenly appear, every time you are near? Just like me, they long to be close to you.

Why do stars fall down from the sky, every time you walk by? Just like me, they long to be close to you.

TO BE CONTINUED.

Dear Jaehyun,

Believe it or not, I am you from the future. I hope my identical handwriting and the tone of this letter is enough to prove it. I also hope that you have received this letter in some way or form.

Today is your first day of freshman year. I’m sure you’re excited to start a new beginning. But there is something important that I want to tell you. In writing you this letter and the next letters, I wish to reverse things that have happened in my past so that you won’t experience the same hurting as I did.

On your way to your first class, you will bump into a familiar girl from frosh orientation week.

Her name is Y/N.

“Y/N? There you are!”

His ears perk up at the call of your name. Indeed, his eyes land on you as you hide your face behind your hair from the sudden attention. The voice that had called you earlier is just as familiar, for it belongs to Jungwoo, his long-time best friend, who calls you over to take the seat right next to him.

Y/N. Isn’t she lovely? The moment you take your seat next to Jungwoo, you whack him in the arm with your textbook. Jaehyun smirks as he hears you scold Jungwoo. “You didn’t have to call me out so loud! I didn’t even brush my hair properly because I was running late. The last thing I wanted was everyone to look at me.”

“It’s not my fault you slept through all ten of your alarms.”

“For your information, it’s fifteen alarms.”

Remember her name. Her name is Y/N.

“Geez, I save you a seat and this is how you treat me.” Jungwoo pouts.

You squint your eyes at him, mustering and faking a smile. “Thank you for saving me a seat, Jungwoo. I really appreciate your kindness and concern.”

“Did Y/N just thank me? I think I got goosebumps.” Jungwoo rubs his arms and you roll your eyes.

“Shut up.”

“You have to repay me by giving me an extra copy of your notes—”

“Good morning everyone! I am Professor Kim and I will be one of your professors throughout your entire undergrad years. Since we’ll be together for four years, you might as well get used to this beautiful face of mine as soon as you can. I know. It’s such a sight to see. Anyways, get your things out and let’s get started.”

Jaehyun finds himself bursting out into a loud chuckle, gaining attention from some of his peers sitting in the same row as him. His laughter dies down and he settles down by preparing his materials for the lecture.

And she will be someone very special in your life.

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