#knew i had to make this when i thought about the old ghosts lyric

[biblicalhorror]

December (2021) by We Are The Union | I Saw The TV Glow (2024) dir. Jane Schoenbrun

[nausicaamusiclover20]

One more chance

James regrets losing you after a drunken fight. Years later, he finishes a song for her and hopes for a second chance....

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The stage lights blinded me, the deafening roar of the crowd fading into a distant echo. I stood at the edge of the stage, the world at my feet, but all I could think about was her—the one I lost because of my own stupidity. The crowd cheered, their excitement palpable, but none of it could fill the void she left behind.I had everything I could’ve ever wanted, and yet I threw away the one thing that mattered the most.

Even now, years later, I replay that night in my head—the night I ruined everything. It was supposed to be just another show, another late-night celebration, but when I came home drunk and bitter, it all fell apart.She was my anchor, the one person who stood by me through all the ups and downs. No matter how far my career took me, she believed in me. She’d sit at every rehearsal, every small gig, smiling as though I was already a star. And when I made it big, she was the first one to say, “I knew you would.” Her faith in me was unshakeable, and yet I took it all for granted.

It all started so innocently. Late-night talks in the studio, her curled up on the old, worn-out couch, encouraging me as I played around with melodies. She’d hum along, laughing whenever I’d mess up, telling me that I’d get it right the next time. Her voice was like a lifeline, always pulling me back when I was lost.

I remembered the way she’d kiss me on the forehead before every show, whispering, "You’ve got this." The memory of her smile as she cheered me on from the front row still lingered like a ghost in my mind. She was my everything—my biggest fan, my muse, my best friend, my lover.

But that night, everything changed. I’d stayed out late, celebrating with the guys, the alcohol making my thoughts foggy and my temper quick. When I finally stumbled through the door, there she was, waiting for me. I could see the hurt in her eyes, but I ignored it.

“Where have you been?” she asked, her voice shaky but gentle. “You said you’d be home after the show.”I could’ve told her the truth, that I was out blowing off steam. But instead, the anger bubbled up inside me, and before I could stop myself, I snapped.

"God, do you ever stop? Maybe if you didn’t bother me too much it would be better”The moment the words left my mouth, I regretted them, but the damage was done. Her face crumpled, the pain evident in her eyes as she took a step back. “What James? I’m just trying to be there for you, but it feels like you don’t even care anymore.”

I wanted to take it all back, to hold her and tell her I didn’t mean it, but my pride wouldn’t let me. “I don’t need you to be there for me. I can handle this on my own.”She stood there for a moment, silent, her tears catching the dim light of our apartment. Then, with a voice that was barely audible, she whispered, “If that’s what you really want, I’ll go.”

And I said the words that haunt me to this day. “Yeah, maybe you should.”She left that night, and I didn’t chase after her. I told myself I was better off without her, that I didn’t need anyone. But as the days turned into weeks, and weeks into months, I realized how wrong I was. She was gone, and with her, the best part of me had vanished too.

No matter how many concerts I played, no matter how many fans screamed my name, it was never enough. Because every night when the noise died down and I was alone in my dressing room, the only thing I could think about was her. How she used to sit beside me, humming along to the songs I wrote. How she’d light up when I played a melody she loved.

How I told her to go away—and she did.

I never finished the song I was writing for her. I couldn't. Every time I picked up the guitar, her memory would flood my mind, and the guilt would be too much to bear. The unfinished lyrics sat on my desk, collecting dust, just like the life we could have had together.

Years passed, and every now and then, I’d see something that would remind me of her—a song on the radio, a couple holding hands, a laugh that sounded like hers—and the regret would tighten around my chest like a vice. I missed her in ways I couldn’t even explain, and no amount of success could drown out the pain of knowing I drove her away.

One night, as I sat in the quiet of my apartment, I picked up my guitar again. The unfinished song stared back at me, a reminder of all that I had lost. For the first time in years, I allowed myself to feel everything I had buried. The regret, the guilt, the love I still carried for her.

I finished the song that night, pouring every ounce of my heart into the melody, the lyrics a confession of all the mistakes I had made. I knew that this was the only way I could say what I needed to say.

The next morning, I did something I hadn’t done in years. I called her. The phone rang once, twice, and then I heard her voice—a voice I had convinced myself I would never hear again.

“Hello?”

My heart pounded in my chest. “Hey, it’s me.”

There was a pause. I could almost feel the hesitation on the other end of the line. “What do you want?”

“I... I wrote something for you. I know it’s been a long time, but I’m playing a show tonight, and I really want you to be there. There’s a song I need you to hear.”

Another long pause. I waited, holding my breath. Then, she finally spoke, her voice softer now. “I don’t know if that’s a good idea.”

“Please,” I said, my voice cracking. “I need you to hear this.”

She didn’t respond right away, but after what felt like an eternity, she said, “Okay. I’ll come.”

The night of the concert, I scanned the crowd anxiously. And then, there she was—standing at the back, her arms folded across her chest, her expression unreadable. My heart felt like it was going to burst out of my chest.

Before I started the song, I stepped up to the microphone and took a deep breath. The crowd hushed, waiting.“I want to dedicate this next song to a very special person,” I said, my voice faltering slightly. “Someone I should’ve never let go. This song is for her.”

The moment I said those words, I could see her from the stage. Her expression softened, her eyes wide with surprise. I strummed the first chords, and the entire room seemed to disappear, leaving only me, her, and the song that had been left unfinished for so long.

As I played, the memories of our time together flooded back—the laughter, the long nights spent talking, the quiet moments where everything seemed perfect. I poured every ounce of regret, love, and longing into the music, my voice cracking with emotion as I sang the words I had written for her all those years ago.

When I finished, I looked up, my vision blurred with unshed tears. The crowd erupted in applause, but all I could see was her, standing at the back of the room, tears streaming down her face.

I wiped my eyes, trying to hold back the overwhelming emotions threatening to spill over. She was crying too, her hand trembling as she wiped her own tears away.

After the show, I found her backstage. The air between us was heavy with unspoken words.“I finished it,” I said, my voice barely above a whisper. “The song... it’s for you. It always was.”She looked at me for a long moment, her expression softening. “I didn’t think I’d ever hear it.”

“I’m sorry,” I said, my voice breaking. “For everything. For pushing you away, for saying all those things I didn’t mean. I’ve regretted it every day since.”

She let out a soft sigh, her shoulders relaxing just slightly. “I missed you,” she admitted. “But I don’t know if we can go back to the way things were.”

“I don’t want to go back,” I said, stepping closer. “I want to start over. Please. Just one more chance.”She hesitated, then finally, slowly, nodded. “Alright, I'll give you one more chance.”

I reached for her hand, and when she didn’t pull away, hope surged through me. I wasn’t sure what the future held for us, but for the first time in years, I felt like I had another chance.

[munchmemes]

glass animals lyrics, I Love You So F***ing Much edition

▸ make it burn. smile as the knife is turned. ▸ i'll begin at the beginning. ▸ and [they] kissed you, you were finished, two months in a minute. ▸ you always fall asleep just before the movie finishes. ▸ when's it gonna end? maybe when you're dead? ▸ maybe you're a fool but [they] loved you. ▸ roll those credits 'cause the sequel's gonna hurt. ▸ that's how revenge is served, make it so cold that it hurts. ▸ i guess you're right that you live and learn. ▸ all that shit i learned from you, kindness spilt like milk and juice. ▸ so blindsided by the truth, in some way i was sure you knew. ▸ those scars must really run deep. ▸ i just got thrown in the trunk of a blacked-out 1999 corolla. ▸ i'm so happy, this is just where i wanna be. ▸ true love. what a fucking beautiful shit-storm. ▸ if i survive, i'll do this again every summertime. ▸ such a night exciting hijacking. what a lovely little time we've had, really took me by surprise. ▸ what do you think about when you think about love? ▸ i'm dumbstruck when you're tender. ▸ it tears through my head, does it haunt you too? ▸ lucky, lucky you 'cause i'm fortune's fool. ▸ i don't think i realize just how much i miss you sometimes. ▸ we were young and so in love. ▸ i don't see the point in a subtle romance. ▸ i'm only really me when i'm here with you. ▸ you just want something kind. i want corruption. ▸ truth hurts when it points right at you. ▸ sit down now for some ground rules, thank you. don't talk, that's it, just one. do you think you can handle that much? ▸ been a great gun fight. you drew blood, i set myself on fire. ▸ get a few ball gags, they're on three for two. ▸ i just want something wrong. i want indulgence. i just wanna make it out alive. ▸ you got big ideas, they're as shit as you. ▸ i'd say 'burn in hell' but they'd hate you too. ▸ what is that you're wearing? oh, it's too much booze. ▸ now scuttle home, go and lick your wounds. ▸ do you want love? do you want lust? ▸ i like you, like you like your drugs. ▸ oh, too late, my love. you blew me into star dust. ▸ object disappearance, it's a true phenomenon. forget me and i'm gone. ▸ i can't give you back your innocence. ▸ freedom at last, i know you wanted it. but freedom don't last when you've got no one left. ▸ that's just one more thing about you i don't need in my life. ▸ i still wonder sometimes what would we have been like? ▸ i can't take away your bitterness. i can't give you back your tenderness. ▸ it was never good enough. we were never good enough. it was never really you. ▸ i always thought it was only the two of us. ▸ which one is you? is anything true? ▸ when you get home, who'll i get? i don't know when you'll explode. ▸ maybe it's just a strange time that i found you in your life. ▸ maybe i can learn to like all that i find terrifying. ▸ i knew it and my heart burst. you're so much more than i deserve. ▸ long ago, probably in a galaxy not far from home, i bet there's a version where we're happier. ▸ whisper me the reasons that you hate me. ▸ one day you'll move on, put me in a drawer. i'll just be a ghost in photos on your phone. ▸ i think we're formed from old lego in a bedside drawer where the stray things go. ▸ i'm a dreamer too. paint over the sad bits, i know that you do. ▸ i swear that i try just to get it all the right way. ▸ there's no fixing this. thanks for all the fish. ▸ i miss that noise you make when you sleep. ▸ i've had enough of today's emotions. why can't they just leave me alone? ▸ am i acting normal? am i being fun? ▸ did i say too little? did i say too much? i wanna scream at the top of my lungs! ▸ my monologue's out of control. ▸ i found the hole where the happiness goes. ▸ you know i'd do anything for your and now i'm here and i'm hoping for sun in the afternoon.

[acotars]

full listen through complete, here are all my initial thoughts in one place

finally post malone delivering the vocals we always knew he had i love this man’s voice

gorgeous harmonies

i’m sorry charlie puth?????? depressing to hear wish she could unrecord that.

who’s gonna hold you like me? because we’re CRAZYYYY. who’s gonna hold you? — me. KILLLLLLL ME (me-e-e!)

my boy only breaks his favorite toys x my boy billie eilish mashup when

down bad waking up in BLOOD??? in BLOOD?????

staring at the sky chinese satellite moment ?? staring at the sky would’ve could’ve should’ve when i’m screaming at the sky moment??

and i’m pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free :(((( this makes my whole body ache

you sacrificed us to the gods of your bluest days and im just getting color back in my face :(

i’m having his baby!!!!!!!! first laugh of the album. so far it’s nothing but heart aching and then she’s like lol i’m pregnant jk lmao!!!

fresh out the slammer first second sounds like old western like guns drawn dueling in a ghost town

to the one who says i’m the girl of his american dreams UGH!!! i love her songwriting in this one it’s so mundane and winky. it’s so stolen moments of real life it’s so spoken word it’s so everything to me

my friends all smell like weed or little babies LMAO this feels like the sexy baby of ttpd

florence welch the woman that you are………

throwing my life to the wolves or the ocean rocks / drove my car off the road to the lookout could’ve followed my fears all the way down

what if he’s written “mine” on my upper thigh only in my mind. INSANE LYRIC. insane lyric. terrifying horrifying lyric. she is a master

i keep these longings locked in lowercase inside a vault and then LOWERCASE LOML. lowercase love of my life. lowercase loss of my life.

guilty as sin is the most painful breakup song i’ve ever heard it’s so awful it hurts so bad i can’t even think about it without crying

love the screaming in who’s afraid of little old me but i fear in some ways the lyrics feel more juvenile than the rest of the album

i can fix him is and cowboy like me are sisters

LOSS OF MY LIFE??????????? LOSS!!!! of my LIFE!!!!!!!!!!

793 dead 1 bazillion injured

i can do it with a broken heart spotify video just being eras tour footage lol just shoot me. just shoot me in the chest

lights camera bitch smile 1 2 3 let’s go bitch

jehovah’s witness suit is exactly what i’m talking about with her lyricism it’s so real life details it’s so moments out of context turned into poetry

were you writing a book??? :((( :’(((( the desperation of wanting there to be a reason for it all and a reason for it all to be thrown away she’s so used to being used/mused :((((

the alchemy .,, i’ll pass. idc about this one sorry there’s too much matty and travis it makes me :/

YOU LOOK LIKE TAYLOR SWIFT???? AS THE OUTROOOOO she’s crazy for this she’s bonkers

i cried my way through clara bow and then started it over and cried again. and then spotify said oh did you want yoyok now??

[earlgreytea68]

If I may present some more lyrics related thoughts: The line "Last night I dreamt I still knew you" probably haunts me more than any other on SMFS, and I can't help but wonder if Pete had the hiatus in mind when writing them. He and Patrick went from being basically inseparable, to Patrick not knowing his kid, and performing his own music with so much more confidence than the boy who hid his face under a hat onstage all those years ago. Pete must have felt like a ghost in his own life without his musical other half by his side, but now here they are together on the other side, and they're stronger than ever!

okay, okay, so to me Flu Game is SUCH a hiatus-y song that i wonder sometimes if it's not a song with old lyrics stuck in it, or if Pete sent old lyrics to Patrick, Idk, did it finally seem like time to write through the hiatus in this particular way? But the lyrics seem more depressed than the rest of the album. Even given things like "I used to be a real go-getter," there's a brutality to "Oh, God, kinda please would you kill me now?" (I know Genius says this is "kindly please" but I stand firm that I think it's "kinda please.")

Anyway, everything about this song feels like it could come from the hiatus, because it's all about someone you knew so desperately well, someone you carved out space for in the world, just you and him against the world, and now you're so distant that you're just a face in the crowd he's up there performing to, and there you are, left with all this love and no one to give it to, trying to pretend you're getting through each day when it's exhausting, and what are you dreaming about? That you still knew each other (all of my wildest dreams ended up with you and me). That's your wildest dream (I will never ask you for anything except to dream sweet of me).

I can't be who you need me to be is so very what Pete Wentz thought at the beginning of the hiatus, and all he's doing is working flat-out to keep everything going and it's totally not appreciated and he can't even figure out anymore what's real or fake and he worked so hard to carve out that space and you're just going to leave it.

And he knows none of this really matters and nobody will care and it's all pointless but he can't seem to stop wanting to catch all of your ears, he can't stop seeking that attention, none of it is healthy or good but he's stuck in it, what else is he going to, he's got all this love and an empty space next to him.

There are also a lot of themes in these lyrics that strike me as being more common in his pre-hiatus stuff: The idea of faking how hard everything is so that you make it look easy shows up in Alpha Dog (we must make it hard to look so easy doing something so hard) and I'm pretty sure it shows up somewhere else, too, but I'm blanking on it now. The idea of Pete writing as Fall Out Boy the band and its unhealthy relationship with its fans also feels more pre-hiatus than post- (that's in Hum Hallelujah and Our Lawyers...). I might just be forgetting the post-hiatus occurrences of these themes, but they feel older to me. I have long wondered if this song is an old-lyric song. In interviews about the album, it seems clear that Patrick likes this song a lot and that Pete is less enthusiastic about it and considers it one of those "Patrick-y" songs that comes out of his head and his head alone. Which to me also slots into "he pulled these lyrics from God knows where." But, again, I could also see it that maybe Pete found them and finally thought it was time to share them. Who knows?

I haven't even talked yet about my absolute favorite lyric in this song: "Late at night in my room, lie awake and think of you and all your little dooms." First of all, this is another one of Patrick's odd-rhythm specialties, and I love it so much because it highlights so nicely my favorite part of the line: you and all your little dooms. Ugh, I just love that. Genius tells me it's probably a reference to orgasms and I just think that Pete Wentz never talks about sex as much or as straightforwardly as Genius thinks he does lololol. Which isn't to say he doesn't talk about sex, just that this lyric is about so much more than orgasms. It's so brilliantly evocative of that kind of relationship where a million little things seem to condemn it and drag it down. And given how hiatus-y the song feels to me, I think of the way Pete must have felt as it was all falling apart, that talking to Patrick was just an endless series of "little dooms" that Patrick kept flinging at him. What a perfect, beautiful little turn of phrase for the way things can succumb to the quicksand of problems.

Idk, I just love Flu Game.

And it is perhaps important to note that it leads into "Baby Annihilation," Pete's return to the poetry of the pre-hiatus time, but this time polished up to be JUST POETRY, no song it's being tacked to the end of, this standalone moment of Pete Wentz (with Patrick backing orchestration, the truest representation of their partnership we've really ever had, tbh), with it's closing musing of "what is there between us if not a little annihilation?" AND THEN we get "Kintsugi Kid," a song EXPLICITLY about that period of Pete's life where he was self-destructive but titled for how he came out so much better in the end, AND THEN the Patrick Stump special of "What a Time to Be Alive," the song Pete has very fondly called "pure Patrick," and it just seems so fitting to me that at the end, Patrick comes roaring back into this hiatus-y stretch, and we come back into the present.

[wordsinhaled]

You said that your ask box was open a little bit ago so hello! ik you're currently on a dr. who & GO streak but I recently heard the song "Til You Love Me" and I was curious as to your thoughts on it regarding Dreamling, because. uh. :

Please, don't say I'm wasting my time I've got nothing but time so I'll do all that I can to catch That ghost of a chance

&

But if dreams give you power Then I'm strong enough to offer my heart And never give up till you love me Until you love me

&

I looked in your eyes, so bright and so blue And that's when I knew that you could be mine If good things come to those who will wait Well, I guess I can wait if that's what I have to do Oh, it's worth it for you

And I'm aware that that's like half the song quoted but it is so them coded in my mind.

It admittedly came out in 1995 so not something that Hob could be thinking about during the Missed Meeting (tm) but still. look at those lyrics!

yes - my ask box is always open for anything at all! thank you so much for the ask <3

this song IS so dreamling coded, gosh!!!

this is possibly a PATENTLY ridiculous idea but—

i'm imagining modern day dreamling (maybe post-reunion and post-dream telling hob who he is, but before they actually get together?) where there's a Classic karaoke night at the new inn and hob invites dream. he thinks dream will probably find it deeply silly and trivial and beg off, seeing as he's the king of dreams and all, but dream actually shows up and hob is thrilled to see him... and he ends up singing this song to dream in the cheesiest possible way, as the night is dwindling down.

it may take him all night to work up the courage to do it but it's both the goofiest and most earnest slightly-tipsy-but-completely-serious love confession of all time, in the end. everybody who works at the inn and even some of the regulars have been hearing robbie talk about how gone he is on his best friend for AGES so there may or may not be some cheering when hob sways up to the mic and goes "you know i don't often sing at these things, but i'm dedicating this to someone very special to me. so, erm, here goes," and then grins right at dream.

after the song is over there's a bunch of clapping hob's not actually sure he deserves for that rendition but dream is giving him an inscrutable look, and hob is blushing like mad as though he's a lad of barely twenty and not nearly seven hundred years old. he passes the mic to the next person and shoulders his way through the crowd to dream, who is still looking at him. hob's inner monologue is something like, well, he either wants to murder me for embarrassing him or eat me alive. murder'd be fine right now actually.

"hob gadling," dream says.

"hello," hob says—and despite himself can't keep the soppy grin off his face. it's still so new having dream here, again, in the flesh. "didn't think i'd see you tonight."

"you are a fine singer, my friend," dream tells him.

hob barks a laugh. "hardly! i was just—" this is where he can play it off as a joke. dream had just called him his friend. this is where he can still save even a tiny bit of face and pretend he hasn't been in love with dream since thirteen fucking eighty nine. but... in the end he can't bring himself to pretend. "well, that song's always reminded me of you, i suppose."

"it has been a long time since someone offered up a love song in my honor," dream says. it should come off as a totally pretentious thing to say, really, but dream's mouth is turned up at one corner in the beginnings of a smile, and instead the words make hob's heart do a little flip.

hob tries not to think of all the people (humans? gods? fey creatures? other immortals?) who have dedicated romantic ballads to dream in the past. he wishes he had something to occupy his twitching fingers with, to make it easier to fight the urge to reach over and take dream's long pale hand where it rests on the table next to his wine glass.

and basically like. REALLY SAPPY trying-not-to-flirt-but-still-flirting! and hob is trying to be all chivalrous about it, all, "it doesn't have to mean anything that i badly sang you this soppy song!!!! you called me your friend and i value you so much as a friend!!!!!! i promise i'm not trying to pressure you!!!! i just want you to know how important to me you are—" and dream is all "calling someone a friend is something that can be So Much Deeper Than That if you're dream of the endless" and then they have a sappy lil first kiss because clearly the thing that broke the dam on his Feelings for hob was hearing a mediocrely-sung karaoke version of a reba mcentire song performed for him under dive bar mood lighting :))))

<3 <3 <3

[accidentalbi]

a small assortment of lyrics from my playlists, 2 - ?

" I could've been anyone, anyone else before you made the choice for me. "

" I never gave a single thought to where it might lead. "

" Instead, I made a bed with apathy. "

" We made our peace with weariness and let it be. "

" The moon will sing a song for me. "

" I loved you like the sun. "

" I bore the shadows that you made with no light of my own. "

" I shine only with the light you give me. "

" Name your courage now. "

" Instead you hoarded all that's left of me. "

" Swallowing your doubt like swords to the pit of my belly. "

" I wanna feel the fire that you kept from me. "

" On some level, I think I always understood that these hands of mine were clumsy, not clever. "

" I tried to do the best that I could, but try as I might I couldn't bring myself to hold you. "

" It's a secret I keep tucked inside my chest. "

" This heart of mine that's guilty, not remorseful. "

" There is love that doesn't have a place to rest, but it would have buried you if it had settled on your shoulders. "

" A ship could never really love an anchor. "

" I did the only thing that I could and severed the rope to set you sailing from my harbor. "

" There are times when I still wonder about you. "

" You are someone I have loved, but never known. "

" You'll never see the reasons I had for keeping my claws away when they were close enough to hurt you. "

" I am selfish, I am broken, I am cruel; I am all the things they might have said to you. "

" God, give me a sign right now, before my time runs out. "

" Teach them how to hate in the name of you. "

" Religion's epitome is making a mess of me. "

" Is the person I am just not enough? "

" I don't wanna be someone who loses all their faith. "

" Run to the steeple to wash away our sins. "

" Run to the steeple to wash away our sins, but do it all again. "

" Where's your righteousness? "

" Do it all in vain. "

" I don't like walking around this old and empty house. "

" Hold my hand, I'll walk with you, my dear. "

" The stairs creak as you sleep, it's keeping me awake. "

" It's the house telling you to close your eyes. "

" Some days I can't even dress myself. "

" It's killing me to see you this way. "

" There's an old voice in my head that's holding me back. "

" Tell her that I miss our little talks. "

" Soon it will be over and buried with our past. "

" Some days I don't know if I am wrong or right. "

" Your mind is playing tricks on you, my dear. "

" You're gone away; I watched you disappear. "

" All that's left is the ghost of you. "

" Now we're torn apart, there's nothing we can do. "

" Just let me go, we'll meet again soon. "

" Now wait for me, please hang around. "

" I'll see you when I fall asleep. "

" Don't listen to a word I say. "

" The screams all sound the same. "

" You are a force of nature. "

" Your love could start a war. "

" Your love is what I'm fighting for. "

" I would die for this revelation. "

" The dawn will break before you. "

" Under your thumb, I'm on my knees. "

" You play a game of pressure. "

" You're burning up the sky; you're a constellation. "

" Your battle cry is drowning out the fear. "

" Just take my life, I know the end is near. "

" I've grown a mouth so sharp and cruel it's all that I can give to you, my dear. "

" When you come in quick to steal a kiss, my teeth will only cut your lips, my dear. "

" I know that you mean so well, but I am not a vessel for your good intent. "

" I will only break your pretty things. "

" Abandon all your stupid dreams about the girl I could've been, my dear. "

" In the night, I know you burn with feelings I cannot return. "

" You gotta know that this won't last. "

" Before I go and cross the line -- "

" You used to be so kind. "

" I never knew you had such a dirty mind. "

" Did you find your bitch in me? "

" You're abominable, socially. "

" You're just a little bit too much like me. "

" You can take your double standard love and keep it. "

" I can't help the devil likes to make my heart a double bed. "

" Save me from this sick obsession of wishing you were proud of me. "

" Anything for your affection. "

" The introspection's just a weapon, and it'll be the cause of death. "

" I just can't imagine any paradise that's worth this pain. "

" Twisted my mind in knots, trying to be forgiven. "

" My body has become a temple for all of my anxieties. "

" If I can't let this go, I don't know if I can live with all this guilt. "

" Am I a failure, or did you just set me up to fail? "

" You soon find you have few choices. "

" I learned the voices died with me. "

" Something in it had a power. "

" All you have is your fire. "

" Don't you ever tame your demons. "

" Don't you ever tame your demons, but always keep them on a leash. "

" I knew that something would always rule me. "

" I thought it ended when I knew love's perfect ache. "

" My peace has always depended on all the ashes in my wake. "

" The truth of the matter is, I never let you go. "

" You go down just like holy Mary. "

" I see nothing wrong with that. "

" We were searching for reasons to play by the rules. "

" We quickly found it was just for fools. "

" Through all of the sorrow, we'll be riding high. "

" Your beauty never, ever scared me. "

[copias-sewer-rat]

THE BLOOD DROPPING FROM THE DARK ROSE IS ALWAYS THE SWEETEST.

A lot of cute messages between Copia and reader (the bold text in blue). Copia being simply and utterly adorable so just fluff. Around 2.7K words. I know that IMPERA was done after Copia turned Papa, so the mistake is intentional. I just adore that album so much so I needed to change the timeline a bit. 

⸸tags: Disdain towards Catholicism which  will become heavier and heavier as the chapters progress. Mention of losing a loved one.

⸸read on ao3⸸

⸸my masterlist⸸

Enjoy!

II- Wind of Change

Ghost sounded amazingly well. You were surprised that a religious group, no matter the religion, could sound like that. You did not have much time to listen to many songs, just three of them, which were played randomly from their artist page on Spotify: ‘Watcher in the Sky’, ‘Dance Macabre’ and ‘Year Zero’. You were very surprised with the last one, as it felt like a Satanic ritual. However, by the end of it you were bopping your head at the catchy tune and lyrics, pleasantly surprised by it.

Checking the clock, there was only one hour left until you had to open your shop, so you chugged the last remnants of your morning coffee and went to talk to your provider. His name was Matthew Calway, a nice old man who had lost his wife recently. He kept working because his late wife adored flowers, so being able to take care of them was his greatest pride. You offered yourself to make the most beautiful funeral ward for her. A wild variety of white and pink flowers adorning the ward, meticulously placed to create a delicate and astonishing piece. The message on the ward read: “See you soon. Love, Matty”. And you remember crying with the old man when you brought the arrangement to the funeral, both hugging and crying silent tears, trying to comfort each other. You had not known the late Mrs. Calway for that long, but for you both of them were what your parents could have been if they had cared enough for you... and not for their stupid church. You felt sick just thinking about them, so you cut your thoughts and feelings short and exited the truck. 

Mr. Calway, or Matty like he wanted you to call him, seemed to be replanting some sunflowers. It made you think about some sort of lost Van Gogh painting, you could almost see the paint and the ripples. As beautiful as the scene looked, you were running out of time, so you decided to interrupt him. 

“Good morning, Matty. I did not imagine that you would be working so early. I thought I might find you at the cabin.” You said, trying to make a bit of casual conversation. 

“Good morning, dear. It was time for me to already transplant these beauties, so here you have me. So, to what do I owe the pleasure of your visit?” Matthew asked, taking his straw hat off and whipping his forehead with a handkerchief.

“I have a big order to fulfill, I was hoping you could help me with it.” You said, not looking at him. You knew what was coming. 

“When is it for, Claire?” He asked, raising an eyebrow.

“...This Friday.” You mumbled, thinking he would hear something that would not be the truth. 

“This Friday!? Dear, are you insane? And it won’t be an easy order if I know you well enough…Well?” At this point he was standing and getting closer to you. You were too afraid to look at him, so your eyes were glued to the floor, looking at your white sneakers. 

“Ceiling and floor arrangement of black flowers…” Matthew sighed and placed a hand on your shoulder. You were expecting screams and negative words to be screamed at you, but nothing of the sort came. 

“You are one lucky girl, I will tell you that. I have something. I have had a last minute cancellation of dark flowers so they are all yours if you want them.”  This time, you looked at him. Matty was the most wonderful and kindest soul you had met in a long time. You had stayed in the city mainly because of him. You wanted to hug him, but you controlled yourself thinking you were going to trespass a line that allowed no return.

“I don’t know what to say, Matty. Thank you so much! Can I take a look at them?” You asked, eyes a bit watery. You thought for a moment that you would not be able to complete Cardinal Copia’s order, so hearing the good news was a relief for the people pleaser inside of you. 

“Yeah, sure. Come with me. On the way there, please tell me some more details about this order that you have.” And you told him everything on the way to the main greenhouse. The church, the nuns, the weird masked people and Cardinal Copia. However, with each detail, Matthew was frowning more and more, the lines in his face more prominent. Nonetheless, he allowed you to finish the story first. “Look, dear… I know of those people. They have been in this city more than I have, and I am old old.” He twisted his wrist in an exaggerated gesture and you chuckled a bit, but you were worried about what he was trying to say. “They have never been bad to the community per se. But their beliefs are a bit too out of the way for many groups on the other side of the spectrum.” You nodded. “I don’t want you to be caught in the crossfire, I care about you, Claire. Besides, we don’t know what that Satanic church is able to do when angry.” He concluded, hoping for you to drop the order perhaps. 

“Matty, I promise you that they seem nice. If it worries you that much, I promise to drop all contact with them when the delivery is done by Friday. I want to do it though. It seems like a good challenge.” You explained, trying to not feel bad for making Matty be worried about your safety. 

“I know you like challenges, and you always come crying to me because you bit off more than you can chew, Claire.” Matty inquired and you felt your confidence drop like a water balloon to your feet. He was right, but you enjoyed the adrenaline that came with it. To challenge yourself in that regard was the only way you had to make your life interesting now. “Well, here we are, these are the options I offer, I hope you can work with them.” He pointed to a vast terrain of dark flowers. They seemed out of a Tim Burton movie, but you were anxious to start working with them, a lot of ideas coming to you at once.

“I also need to mix these with some red and white if possible.” You remembered, too absorbed with ideas of all black flower arrangements.

“Yes, no biggie. It will be better choosing the black flowers first though, you will have a much more clear starting point.” Matty explained and you agreed. 

You then decided on the ‘Queen of the night’ tulip, the Persian lily and lastly a beautiful Black Baccara rose, which would be the perfect flower to connect the blacks and reds of the arrangement. Your options chosen, you decided to send a picture of each to Cardinal Copia. You opened a new chat with his contact, which you saved as CC, and sent the pictures with the message: “What do you think? We can make some changes if you do not like them, let me know what you think.” You did not expect an instant reply, imagining that the Cardinal was a very busy individual, so you went looking for the other flowers in red and white. For the red flowers you decided on a Sweet William ‘Sooty,’ some Amaranthus to compliment the length of the Persian Lily, and some Bergamont. Lastly, for the whites you chose some Chrysanthemum, some Foxglove, Gardenias and Lily of the Valley. You took pictures of all of them to send to the Cardinal later. 

Time was running out and you still had no response back from the Cardinal, so you decided to keep your selection, but you would come to pick the flowers up on Wednesday. You expected to have Monday afternoon and the whole Tuesday to set on a definitive design if the Cardinal gave his approval. You said your goodbyes to Matty and left for Dewdrop. 

On the way back to your store you decided to play more Ghost songs. You were falling in love with all of them, and repeating a couple of them so you could really listen to the lyrics. This time you listened to “Imperium”, “Cirice”, “Rats” and a cover of “Enter Sandman” by Metallica. The last one you shouted to because you loved that song already, so your voice mixed with Cardinal Copia’s. You thought you sounded pretty good harmonizing with each other, but you were probably delusional. 

You arrived at your store and it was looking gorgeous as always. Dewdrop was your typical flower store, but even more beautiful because you had decorated it yourself. Maybe you were a bit biased towards it, you did not care though, it was your pride and joy. Very big windows with brown trimming, an old fashioned wood door, forest green pergola and golden accents with the name of the store in the pergola and the windows. To you Dewdrop felt like home, cozy like no other place in the world. It was like you were about to step in the Shire from Lord of the Rings. You turned on the lights of the store, took some of the flowers out on a wooden cart and put out your trusty garden gnome, which you had named Bruce. The figure did not look intimidating whatsoever, but you felt as if it was protecting your store from the baddies, just like the Dark Knight would do. Lastly, you flicked the door sign to open and started your day. 

You decided to start by preparing the most imminent orders that you had, some bouquets and a funeral ward. In the meantime, you were still playing Ghost songs, singing those you had heard before and discovering new ones. 

The morning had been slow and lunchtime had arrived. You ate a prepared salad that you kept in the office freezer for emergencies and continued with your tasks, Ghost always in the background. Just when the song “Faith” ended, you received a message from Cardinal Copia. Maybe he felt that you had summoned him. 

CC: “Those flowers look perfect. I can almost smell them from the Abbey…”

Claire🌹: “So you DO live in an Abbey! Here I was thinking that you slept in the concert venue.”

CC: “I could, but I have my own bed and my back kills me when I sleep on a sofa so…no chance.” 

Claire🌹: “😂 That makes sense. I am glad you like the flowers though. I also picked the red ones and the white ones. Let me send you the pictures and you tell me your opinion.”

As you were sending the pictures you could see that Cardinal Copia was writing something, but he erased it all. You wondered if it was something important or if he was not telling you his true opinions on the flowers.

CC: “These are also perfect, you have an amazing taste. I cannot wait for them to be put together.”

Claire🌹: “Having good taste is basically my job, but thanks for the compliment. This could be my best arrangement yet!����”

CC: “I am sure it will, cara.”

You did not know the meaning of the pet name, but you blushed just at the mere idea of him giving you one.

Claire🌹: “Another thing! Between today and tomorrow I will be designing the arrangement, so expect some drawings of mine in the near future.”

CC: “You will have my full attention, do not worry.”

Some part of you wanted to ask about his church, about if they did evil things and about what Matty said… but you didn’t. He sounded so sweet in his messages, you did not want to break the spell. Instead you asked something different.

Claire🌹:“One last thing, I promise!”

CC: “Even if it weren’t the last, it would be ok.”

Claire🌹: “I heard some of your songs! You guys are amazing!”

You saw again that the Cardinal was texting something, then erasing it. That process happened about three or four times before he answered.

CC: “Thank you so much. We work very hard to create quality music that can touch as many people as possible.”

Claire🌹: “It has worked for me so… nice job!”

CC: “Then, thank you for your patronage! I must mention something though… The first albums were done by my brothers and father BUT I sing all the songs during concerts. Everyone says that we have pretty similar voices so it is not a problem.”

You were shocked at the idea that this was some sort of familiar business, but found it endearing nonetheless. 

Claire🌹: “Wow, that is actually surprising, but in a good way!”

CC: “What has been your favorite song until now? I am just curious.”

You thought about the few songs you had heard until now.

Claire🌹: “For now it would be Cirice, but there are a lot of songs that I have not heard yet…”

CC: “That one was written and performed by my brother, Terzo. It is pretty popular.”

Claire🌹: “Which ones are yours then?”

CC: “The last two albums, IMPERA and Prequelle.”

Claire🌹: “I will need to take a good listen to those then!”

CC: “Sorry to cut the conversation, Claire. I need to go. I have an important meeting in a few minutes.”

Claire🌹: “No need to apologize Cardinal. Have a good rest of your day and hope to talk to you soon!”

CC: “Thank you so much, cara. You too.”

With that your conversation ended, but you wanted to keep talking to him. You had not felt that need in a very long time. It was comforting to know that there were people out there still worth talking to. 

The afternoon was quite busy and you had plenty of customers, so you did not have the time to listen to more songs or to design the arrangement at all. When you closed your store at 5pm, the sun was starting to go down. Before getting into your truck you remembered to write to Matty to confirm all the flowers that he had to set aside for you. He happily obliged.

You got home, changed clothes into your favorite thing, a big shirt with a raccoon full of holes that said with a 90’s computer colorful font “THE PAIN IN MY BACK MIGHT BE CHRONIC, BUT THIS ASS IS ICONIC”. You thought it was the best thing ever. You made yourself a quick snack, not still hungry enough to eat dinner, but enough to munch on something. You sat on the couch, grabbing little bites of your snack and watching some YouTube on your television. Being distracted with other things, your mind started to wander towards ideas for the Cardinal’s arrangement. You took your notebook and pen and started scribbling and doodling. The day had taken a toll on you, so you did not notice falling asleep on your sofa.

You woke up an hour later, your head hurting a bit from the position and because of oversleeping a bit. You grabbed your water and drank a few sips while checking your phone. You had a message from Cardinal Copia. Your heart skipped a beat.

You opened the chat thinking the worst, that he was going to cancel the order and you would not be able to talk to him again, but you were wrong. Instead he had sent you a picture. It was the most precious thing you had seen, a picture from an open window to a tree. The most amazing thing was on that tree, a nest of pigeons, a whole family of them sleeping together. You screamed into a couch pillow for how cute the picture was, but nothing had prepared you for the cuteness of the message that came along with it: 

CC: “These little babies are perched outside my office window. I remembered how much you love them so I had to take a picture. I will take very good care of them from now on. I have to go back to my meeting, talk to you tomorrow, sì?”

You flopped to your couch, smiling like a darn teenager. Cardinal Copia was adorable. You would wait until tomorrow to write back and maybe ask if you could go and see the little pigeon family. But first you needed a courage sleep, the promise of a future conversation with the Cardinal still making you smile.

____

<&lt;PREVIOUS CHAPTER

FIRST CHAPTER

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Hope you enjoyed. As always I appreaciate the feedback. What is your favourite Ghost song? Let me know.

SR🐀

[w3ath3r-0f-sw34t3rz]

lyrics that only a tortured poet could write

(pt 1 because)

and i love you, it's ruining my life

and who's gonna hold you like me? // and who's gonna know you, if not me?

once i fix me // he's gonna miss me

for a moment i knew cosmic love

i saw, in my mind, fairy lights through the mist

i stopped CPR, after all, it's no use // the spirit was gone, we would never come to

i'm pissed off you let me give you all that youth for free

stitches undone // two graves, one gun

and you say i abandoned the ship // but i was going down with it

and my friends said it isn't right to be scared // every day of a love affair // every breath feels like rarest air // when you're not sure if he wants to be there

you swore that you loved me, but where were the clues?

i just learned these people only raise you to cage you

i'm havin' his baby" // no, i'm not, but you should see your faces

i'll tell you somethin' 'bout my good name // it's mine alone to disgrace // i don't cater to all these vipers dressed in empath's clothing

god save the most judgmental creeps // who say they want what's best for me // sanctimoniously performing soliloquies i'll never see // thinkin' it can change the beat of my heart when he touches me // and counteract the chemistry and undo the destiny

if all you want is gray for me // that's just white noise, that's just my choice

my friends tried, but i wouldn't hear it // watch me daily disappearing // for just one glimpse of his smile

well, me and my ghosts, we had a hell of a time // yes, i'm haunted, but i'm feeling just fine

so i did my best to lay to rest // all of the bodies that have ever been on my body // and in my mind, they sink into the swamp // is that a bad thing to say in a song?

am i allowed to cry? ... am i bad or mad or wise?

one slip and fallin' back into the hedge maze // oh, what a way to die

what if i roll the stone away? // they're gonna crucify me anyway

they don't know how you've haunted me so stunningly // i choose you and me religiously

if you wanted me dead, you should've just said // nothing makes me feel more alive

so i leap from the gallows and i levitate down your street // crash the party like a record scratch as i scream // "who's afraid of little old me?" // you should be

is it a wonder i broke? let's hear one more joke // then we could all just laugh until i cry

i was tame, i was gentle 'til the circus life made me mean // "don't you worry, folks, we took out all her teeth"

so tell me everything is not about me, but what if it is? // then say they didn't do it to hurt me, but what if they did? // i wanna snarl and show you just how disturbed this has made me // you wouldn't last an hour in the asylum where they raised me // so all you kids can sneak into my house with all the cobwebs // i'm always drunk on my own tears, isn't that what they all said? // that i'll sue you if you step on my lawn // that i'm fearsome and i'm wretched and i'm wrong // put narcotics into all of my songs // and that's why you're still singin' along

you caged me and then you called me crazy // i am what i am 'cause you trained me

the smoke cloud billows out his mouth // like a freight train through a small town

but your good Lord doesn't need to lift a finger // i can fix him, no, really, i can // and only i can

who's gonna stop us from waltzing back into rekindled flames if we know the steps anyway?

i thought i was better safe than starry-eyed

still alive, killing time at the cemetery // never quite buried

a con man sells a fool a get-love-quick scheme

what we thought was for all time was momentary

you cinephile in black and white // all those plot twists and dynamite

i wish i could unrecall // how we almost had it all

dancing phantoms on the terrace // are they second-hand embarrassed that i can't get out of bed 'cause something counterfeit's dead?

it was legendary // it was momentary // it was unnecessary

oh, what a valiant roar // what a bland goodbye // the coward claimed he was a lion

"i'll never leave, nevermind"

our field of dreams engulfed in fire // your arsons match your somber eyes

and i'll still see it until i die // you're the loss of my life

there in her glittering prime // the lights refract sequin stars off her silhouette every night

lights, camera, bitch, smile // even when you wanna die

breaking down, i hit the floor // all the pieces of me shattered as the crowd was chanting, "more"

i cry a lot, but i am so productive, it's an art // you know you're good when you can even do it with a broken heart

i can hold my breath // i've been doin' it since he left // i keep finding his things in drawers // crucial evidence i didn't imagine the whole thing

you hung me on your wall // stabbed me with your push pins

were you sent by someone who wanted me dead? // did you sleep with a gun underneath our bed?

i would've died for your sins, instead, i just died inside

and you deserve prison, but you won't get time // you'll slide into inboxes and slip through the bars

you kicked out the stage lights, but you're still performing

and in plain sight you hid // but you are what you did // and i'll forget you, but i'll never forgive // the smallest man who ever lived

'cause the sign on your heart // said it's still reserved for me // honestly, who are we to fight the alchemy?

this happens once every few lifetimes

all your life, did you know // you'd be picked like a rose?

this town is fake, but you're the real thing // breath of fresh air through smoke rings

crowd goes wild at her fingertips // half moonshine, a full eclipse

the crown is stained, but you're the real queen // flesh and blood amongst war machines // you're the new God we're worshipping // promise to be dazzling

beauty is a beast that roars down on all fours // demanding more

it's hell on earth to be heavenly

you look like Taylor Swift in this light, we're lovin' it // you've got edge, she never did

[dollarbin]

Shakey Sundays #8:

Ragged Glory

Some things are worth waiting for.

At age 14 I dedicated way too many hours to MTV, hoping to catch Neil Young's Mansion on the Hill. I'd seen the song's video just once; the network had seemingly played it a single time just to tease me.

During my weeks of hapless watching and waiting I tried to remember all the crazy stuff in the video; it entered my dreams and morphed. Had there really been a funeral? Who was dead? Was Young a ghost for all of it? Did a choir really sing the silly lyrics? Was that Neil in the gas station too? Were there dinosaurs at one point? Or was I making that part up? And how did guys my dad's age play such killer guitar?

Well, I never got my answers; instead I saw nothing but Motley Crue's Dr Feelgood. Over and Over Again.

But just now, 34 years later, and thanks to this new technology I'm learning to use called google, I finally got to see the video for Mansion on the Hill a second time.

You can feel Young's burgeoning joy all over this silly video. He'd probably seen Monty Python and The Holy Grail only while stoned on tour and thought his opening gag was entirely original. He's not dead yet!

In midst of my hopeless adolescent search for the video I read in the LA Times that Young had made two additional videos for Ragged Glory, one of which involved high drama between a sexy couple on a balcony. But, reported the Times, neither video had any chance of ever getting a single second of airtime. The writer (it was probably Robert Hilburn, a total dad rock grump who routinely called Use Your Illusion 2 fantastic) mused in the piece on Young's possible motives: Was he delusional? Deceived? Nuts?

Well, making videos exactly how you wanted, which meant you knew would never be seen, sounded genius to me, and I quit watching MTV cold turkey in response. If they weren't going to play Neil Young they weren't going to have me.

I've been thinking about those mythical videos for 34 years straight now. Seriously, I've wondered about them once a month for 408 months in a row. I'm not proud to report this; I'm just a victim of the Dollar Bin (and Jerry Jeff Walker), living my life easy come, easy go...

And now, low and behold, here they are!

Sure enough, this first one, for the hook-heavy Over and Over, has the balcony stuff; witness the serious, VH1 level, drama: a sexy lingerie lady (women in this era of music videos only wore lingerie; none of them owned pants) squares off with an Anthony Bandaras type dude; passion ensues while the band unrelatedly rocks. There's nothing silly enough here for Shakey-level greatness, although it does look like Young did indeed summon his Budokan era wind machines from the Shocking Pinks desertscape. Hurricane force winds are needed for most of Neil's videos.

And then there's the video least likely to ever be seen by me / anyone else as a kid. Had I been a MTV VG at the time, even I wouldn't have played this for fear of a FCC shutdown: there's the swearing in it, sure, but there's also the guitar solos at the 2:30, 3:30 and 4 minute marks that are so gnarly they do not seem safe for public consumption.

Unlike the previous two videos from Ragged Glory, Fubbin' Up contains almost no plot; but half way through Neil does cavort with two different buxom ladies; someone has to stand in for Neil on stage and pretend to shred like him while he stumbles about with them. Neil Young's music videos: they make every Sunday Shakey.

As I've written previously, I do not own Ragged Glory on vinyl. (The lead photo above features my fired up cat and a record store promotion poster I got as a kid and have kept inside my copy of Live Rust ever since.) If you've got the record on vinyl and want to swap I'll gladly send you my copy of Old Ways in return (then I'll go buy another copy of that 80's masterpiece to mediocrity; I saw one yesterday for $8; where the hell were all the copies of Old Ways up until a year ago?).

Anyway, when I was 14 I bought Ragged Glory on tape and, truth be told, it was a little over my head. I loved it, sure, but like another perfect record of that era, The Cure's Disintegration, it was just too damn long for my adolescent attention level. I'd especially get lost during Love and Only Love and Love To Burn. The songs seemed interchangeable to me, and on some level they still do.

While we're at it, I'm gonna argue that those two songs heralded the often regrettable nature of Young's lyrics ever since; for every weird and spectral song like Without Rings or Music Arcade there are four or five that remind me not to forget love.

Memo to Neil: I am not in danger of forgetting about love. I'm happily married, and I am familiar with The Sermon on the Mount. But when I drop the needle, I want visitors from space in my Neil Young songs; I want to picture him walking down main street: not the sidewalk, but MAIN street.

But who am I kidding: I can't complain about Love to Burn or Love and Only Love, or anything else on this vital and classic record. No other 45 year old ever rocked this hard. At 45 Stephen Stills stayed fat and laid an egg. Just get this: Young permanently blew out his hearing not on tour for the record but while mixing the live album that followed. How cool is that? At 45 years old, while the rest of us were acting like grown-ups, he sat in a studio and listened to himself shredding at 11, thereby damaging his ears. When I was 45 the loudest thing I did was shout at the Dodgers. And it worked: they won the World Series.

But Neil kept up his revived crazy brilliance from this era long term. Check him out using Love and Only Love to lay siege to Farm aid with Ralph, Billy and Poncho in tow ten years later:

But at age 14 I never really understood Ragged Glory. It's not an album for teenagers. Metaphors such as, "like a little girl, who couldn't wait" only made sense when I had a daughter of my own, finally asleep at 2am on Christmas eve. It was in moments like that when I wanted to chug a cold one and high step my way around the kitchen, listening to Ragged Glory on headphones. Over and over again...

But I started unlocking the record years before, late in high school. My buddy Matt, a MIT-bound, state champion wrestler in the 150 pound class when he should have weighed an easy 180, was the only person I knew on earth who was as gnarly as Young's soloing on Truckin' Up. And Matt spoke up at lunch one day, when we were probably late for Physics, and told us the story of his 10 mile run the day before after 3 hours of push-ups and brawling on a mat.

Matt had listened to Ragged Glory on his walkman during that run and wanted to report that Forking Up was the greatest song ever written. It was even better, he claimed, that his other favorite Neil song, Homegrown.

I was really into TS Eliot and The Pixies at that point; so he sounded full of crap. But as I listened to him recite Neil's nonsensical, bone-headed lyrics my future self reached out to me and ordered that I sit up and listen; Matt had a point.

Dogs that lick And dogs that bite Hounds that howl Through the night Broken leashes Are all over the floor Keys left hanging In a swinging door.

Amen, Matt. The world is nonsensical and bone-headed. As the great Bob Pollard once warbled, sometimes you need to slay the beast and win the cup. Sometimes you need to fook things up and then scream about it.

There's a lot more to say about Ragged Glory but I'll pause here: happily, Young put out a new extended version of the record, aptly titled Smell the Horse, recently. Writing about it will make some future Sunday Shakey all over again.

[phanfictioncatalogue]

Fic Titles Based On Lyrics (4) Masterlist

part one, part two, part three

a little bit of california, with a little bit of london sky (ao3) - juliawrites (twelfthnlght)

Summary: on an impulsive road trip dan plans right before their high school graduation, the truth will out.

and if we’re meant to, i’ll meet you there (ao3) - manchestereye (orphan_account)

Summary: The five times Dan and Phil meet unexpectedly and the one time they don’t.

Babydoll When It Comes To A Lover - galhowell

Summary: It’s pride month, and Phil has a crazy dream.

Break And Burn And End (Begin Again) (ao3) - twoheadlights

Summary: Where Dan is a wedding photographer and Phil is the really cute best man who wants to take him out.

Click, Click, Post (ao3) - pastelsexual

Summary: drip drip dripped in gold

quick quick quick let's go

kiss me and take off your clothes

knew you were perfect after the first kiss

took a deep breath like ooh

Close Your Eyes And I’ll Kiss You (Tomorrow I’ll Miss You) (ao3) - SimplyUndead

Summary: Summertime was the best time, if you asked either Dan Howell or Phil Lester. It was sunshine, catching waves, and no worries. When their paths cross, however, that all changes, and before either of them notices, summer becomes much more.

I Make These High Heels Work (ao3) - orphan_account

Summary: Dan explores his more feminine side when he gets a day off and spends it in from of a mirror in a dress and heels.

I Remember The Day You Told Me You Were Leaving (ao3) - TheBetterLookingTwin

Summary: Phil Lester is a songwriter and singer whose boyfriend has left him. Phil has been depressed and decided to write a song about his boyfriend that he will never get back. As he sings he remembers Dan and tries to understand what went wrong.

it’s a church of burnt romances (ao3) - phanetixs

Summary: Dan backs into the car and the driver asks where he’s heading. His head swims with thoughts of Phil, and of guilt and embarrassment at how he’s subconsciously treating his friend. Whose life centres around virtues like chastity. And non-objectification goes both ways. Dan takes a few deep breaths, pressing a palm to his insistent bulge to quell his arousal. As always, it doesn’t work.

Well, he resolves, if he can’t get Phil out of his head, he’s got to get someone else into it. Or onto him, preferably.

Or, a Fleabag AU.

Retrace, Retry (ao3) - catboydan

Summary: In 2012, Dan left Manchester and Phil didn’t follow. Dan didn’t let him.

Now, it’s 2016 and Dan returns to retrace his steps and maybe, possibly, have a chance at a second try.

Since I’ve Been a Fool - darren-fucking-chriss

Summary: Only fools fall for Phil Lester, his girlfriend is the main fool.

these are the things that could make us official (ao3) - rosecolouredjosh

Summary: Dan's listening to the new Charli XCX album and one song catches his attention.

Too Long to the Weekend (ao3) - in_too_deep_geronimo

Summary: Simple, just take a break from thinking about all of the wondrous qualities of Phil Lester and what it would be like to live with him full time, alone from either of their parents and the rest of the world.

Trying to Remember How it Feels (To Have a Heartbeat) (ao3) - phantasizeit

Summary: Dan moves into a new apartment in London and, though it’s a step up from his old apartment, his landlord gives him strange warnings while he’s touring the place-- something about the last renters leaving because of ghost sightings. But, Dan doesn’t believe in the supernatural. He quickly changes his tune when he meets Phil Lester, the ghost haunting his apartment. Well, if haunting means quickly becoming the best friend he’s ever had.

vanilla softserve sort of day (ao3) - zsunsetz

Summary: dan doesn't want to go outside today, but when his best friend and crush phil lester turns up at his doorstep...well, he had to change his plans a little

Won’t You Help Me Sober Up - dxnhowell

Summary: Dan finds himself at a party that he most definitely shouldn’t be at, but he also finds himself being reuniting with an old friend.

You don’t have to say I love you (ao3) - super_phan_natural

Summary: To say I Love You.

Based off the song “for him.” by Troye Sivan, this story takes place in Manchester, England. Phil Lester is a student at Parrs Wood High School, with his head in the clouds. But when he spots the rather under-appreciated Dan Howell, he learns about the people around him, and himself. Self discovery, learning about fighting back and finding the best things in the darkest of times, this story is meant to help those who are going through a lot. TW for bullying and homophobic remarks in chapter 1 and 2, but otherwise safe.

You're Toxic I'm Slipping Under (fanfiction.net) - gracezodiac

Summary: After watching one of Phil's videos, Dan's perception of him changes completely. How will Dan deal with his sudden sexual confusion?

[heartofspells]

Hey I’m currently reading HE and LOVING it but I’ve come to a bit that confused me and I don’t know if I missed something that was important or if I’m just dumb lol but Sirius just heard a song and worked out it was the song remus “dedicated”(I can’t think of the right word) to him and then from there found out remus was moony but I can’t work out why he was annoyed at the song or what the song meant.. I was just wondering if you could explain it to me like I’m 5 years old 😂

I'm so happy you are loving it!! That's wonderful to hear (read??)!

As for the song, I've made it no large secret that I found Longwave (the band that sings the song and many others through the fic) specifically while researching for this story in the beginning. It was originally just meant to be a random, obscure band Remus loved and passed that love onto Sirius, but when I found Longwave, parts of the story sort of crafted around them and their music.

One of the great things about this band and a large number of their songs is that there's not hard and set meaning behind the lyrics. They can be interpreted in a lot of different ways, which to me is always a nice find.

Eyes Like Headlights (the song you're referencing) is one of these. To me, I typically relate it to some sort of drug use or possibly a bad relationship, but it could honestly apply to almost any negative situation viewed through another's eyes.

Longwave has been around for more than two decades, so as a teenager, when he originally met Sirius, Remus had already heard this song (and it's actually referenced in A Lamp to Guide the Way, which is the prequel). To Remus, I think the lyrics of this song would relate back to Sirius a lot for him. Another kid half-broken and beaten down by circumstances that he's trying so hard to escape but doesn't know how, and then finding him later in life, knowing Sirius had escaped one trap only to fall into another where he's maybe not as miserable, but close enough and simply denying it. Sirius, hearing the lyrics of the song, likely would have related to back to all the things about his family and life that were public knowledge, which, not knowing at the time that Remus was Moony, caused anger because as far as Sirius was aware, at the time when Remus mentioned the song as a recent favorite, Remus didn't know much of anything about Sirius enough to pass any sort of harsh judgement like we hear in the song.

I've never been one to really break down lyrics and explain them to people, because I think music should be interpreted however someone wishes without someone else influencing them. But I'm also weird. So! I'll explain how my thought process worked with the song, and, as you said, I'll try to break it all down like you're five 😉

Your eyes are aglow, they look like two ghost lamps, but your soul keeps sinking/No way to go, backward or forward/I could never tear you away/You got caught right at the beginning

So imagine Remus as this insecure, shy, friendless little thing when he's thirteen years old who makes friends with Sirius Black of all people. Extremely confident, laughter oozing from his very pores, kind and accepting, but Remus can see the sadness settled around him, something that he finds out after a few months very clearly relates back to Sirius' home life, and is confirmed to him years later through news articles that pry into Sirius' past. Meeting Sirius again after so long, Remus can still see that sadness in him, even if he doesn't know exactly why it's there, but he eventually figures out that it's because Sirius isn't happy with the path he's chosen in life.

How did you get so far from home, dear?/You were just getting started

When Remus knew Sirius as a kid, he still had the entire world stretched out in from of him, just waiting for him to take it and make his life into something better and worth living. Remus, as an adult, going through the things he's been through, pulling his own self out of the life he'd been given and finding some of those better things, had thought Sirius had as well until he meets with him face to face again and sees that he's not much different than when they were kids, stuck in something because he thinks that's all he's good for when Remus knows better.

But on your face, I could see it glowing/And all your thoughts are going back to the place where you once were golden/But somewhere you were broken/I could never tear you away

Remus knew, even as a teenager, that Sirius had so much potential to be so many things and find happiness. As adults, Remus sees it in Sirius, in the way he talks and the things he talks about. At some point, it had all gone wrong. Sirius loves playing, but he hates doing it professionally, except he won't admit it, but at the ripe age of 18, that was the dream. It was all so promising and exactly what he'd been working towards for so long. He should be happy with his life as it is, so why isn't he? And Remus can see all of this, keeps trying to get Sirius to see it, too, because he knows the knowledge for Sirius is there if he'd only look at it closely enough, and Remus blames himself a bit, because if he'd never disappeared from Sirius' life, maybe things could have been different.

And then we have Sirius, finally truly listening to these lyrics for the first time, knowing what's been released into the public through the media about his life, feeling judged and criticized by every single word hitting his ears by the one person he had thought would never judge him for any of it. Sirius didn't know the full story, had no idea what Remus was seeing in the song, but Remus, having thought about it more since initially mentioning it, having learned more about Sirius as an adult, knew exactly how Sirius would interpret the lyrics when he discovered the song, in such a negative way when that wasn't Remus' intention at all. So Sirius was very angry because he found a similar yet different meaning in the song than Remus had.

And this got very long and wordy. Er...sorry. But I hope that maybe explains the use of the song a bit better and the reaction to it in the end.

[margoism]

Prologue

Recently, I just have Taylor Swift LSS and deng, she has been on my playlist and singing unconsciously in my mind for some strange weird reason.

Out of the blue, I decided to download Ragnarok Origin Global after playing Ragnarok Next Generation. I just got tired as it was not working out for me (long story) and play a game where I knew no one.

Stranger still, I don't know the lyrics of her songs haha, I just make them up as I go (yes, that bad) and all I know is this song seems to suit this post, lol.

Countdown to 100 days ago

You see, most of the time, people are motivated to move across games and I was guilty of that as I jumped from Ragnarok Mobile (ROM) Eternal Love to Ragnarok Next Generation (RoX).

For me, it was because of my old guild mates from the original game, Ragnarok PH and my then boyfriend (also from the guild). It was fun at the beginning, a reunion of sorts until things became complicated when I got promoted at work (me night shift, him, a 12 hour teaching position). I was playing less due to the adjustment, spent most of my time doing OT (ty), and as much as I tried, I got sick of being replied to with just one line, "ganyan ka naman" then give me the cold shoulder or when I try to spend time with him, he only tells me off ("magOT ka na lang").

But yeah, maybe long distance relationships are stupid and I have no business in it.

I broke it off one day, ghosting him and silently played solo with a priest account someone lent me. It was hard but I guess, in some way, I deserved it. A cruel end to three years but I guess he deserved better too, someone who is actually near him and actually loves him. Not once in three years did we ever say "love" too so in a way, I was tired in many ways.

But please don't judge me, I admit it was immature but if I think about it, we were just waiting for the other to end things and well, he was suggesting seeing someone else already which I was too tired to be mad about it since all I wanted to do at the time was sleep.

I endured playing silently for months within the guild (yes, not interacting with anyone) when I heard about Ragnarok Origin Global from one GC I was in (my alt's guild haha). They were moving to the said game and raved about how much better it was. I was not close to them so without saying anything, I went about reading their review until one day, it was maintenance day in RoX.

By this time, it has been months and I was bored of playing mobile legends on the side so I downloaded the game.

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I thought long and hard what job class to play while downloading. I always wanted to an archer class so why not? I imagined myself doing MVP hunting solo (lol) and how exciting it would be to be. I mean, I was so intent to play alone. That thought alone made me laugh, telling myself I was going to die alone anyways, hahaha.

Circa 100 Days Ago

I know it was 100 days ago, I got a congratulatory message today, before maintenance, that I have been playing the game for 100 days.

I am not sure how I survived playing alone until a guild took me in my late mid-game period. I stuck to the general mechanics of making sure I raised my Agi first because, according to the GC, while the damage is low, the swiftness will compensate. It was cool until I learned about Divine Power (DP) and "title" that I had to compensate for the lost opportunities in a short span of time.

Now, the thing about this switch was because I was playing solo, I was forced to push myself to pray to Hollhengren (I hate upgrading my equipment before this game), seek ways to obtain needed cards, grind, and cross my fingers for each gacha roll I made. Back in the day, I was typically leeched with no need to do much other than (manual) dailies.

I guess the freedom made me happy and the game enjoyable.

In 100 days, I made new friends, experienced a guild merge, and learned how to navigate a new Rune-Midgard lifestyle. I even love the world chat drama even when I don't know the server stars personally, it feels cool to run into them on the map or when they choose to sit with you on the bench:

So What Now

Today, after maintenance, I might reach level 88, now orange titled (one star), have a decent DP (227K).

Still a noob but heck, at least I enjoy every gaming day. And no, thankfully, no one I know is on this server.

[daisyswift3]

Wow this is a brilliant analysis!! 😧 This just made a ton of stuff click into place for me! I never put all those things together but this makes the ghost imagery, album covers, and forest metaphor make perfect sense. This is why there is so much ghost imagery on TTPD. I knew it was related to the whole death/resurrection thing but I hadn’t really thought of it as her being stuck in limbo trying to lay her old self to rest. I’m now realizing just how much death imagery shows up in folkmore. There’s so much.

And this is even more proof that happiness is directed at her fans and does use the Cinderella metaphor which represents how she will turn into her true self at midnight. Plus it sounds like a funeral song, an elegy if you will. This adds even more depth and layers to this song.

This song is track 7 on evermore and parallels seven which is track 7 on folklore. The 7 symbolizes her 7th album lover which was supposed to be her coming out album. The lover era did kill her but not in the way she wanted. When she’s above the trees in heaven she’s able to “see the forest for the trees” or see the bigger picture. But now she’s right down in it, in the forest, because she’s not out of the woods or closet yet. “Please picture me in the trees, I hit my peak at seven (lover era).”

There are also a few parallels between the haunted x exile mashup she just played and happiness. “Showed you all of my hiding spots (I Know Places)” // “I gave so many signs.” “HAUNTED by the look in my eyes” -> “I’ve been meaning to tell you I think your house is HAUNTED…then you won’t have to cry or hide in the closet” -> “seven years in heaven” being a game you play in the closet -> “So step right out…so I’m leaving out the side door” -> “You gotta step into the daylight and let it go.”

When exile ends at midnight she trades her sparkling Cinderella gown for normal clothes. The 9th 🎃 message says “And most importantly, they will know about the human heart. The flawed, scarred, angry, grateful, nonsensical heart. The one that hides deep inside glittering ballgowns.”

Another 7. The number is spelled out in the lyrics which means it’s the same “seven” as in the song seven. There are so many 7’s in folkmore bc it’s all abt her failed coming out during lover era. Plus this further confirms that the lover album cover is supposed to be her in heaven looking down. And in Christianity, 7 is god’s number since he created the world in 6 days and then rested on the 7th. It symbolizes completion or perfection.

The green light of forgiveness being a Great Gatsby reference and the golden doors and general aesthetics in the bejeweled mv (Cinderella metaphor) being very Great Gatsby Roaring 20's esque.

Folklore and evermore are some of my favorite albums of hers so I’ve dissected every last detail—or at least I thought I had—but I’m somehow still finding stuff I missed!

The Ghost of Taylor Swift

I have had this theory rattling in my head for awhile. Basically I can see Taylor singing from the perspective of a ghost that can’t crossover to the afterlife wandering the halls of her former life waiting to be laid to rest and move on.

The story began in reputation when she died (“the old taylor can’t come to the phone right now cuz she’s dead”).

Then her cover art from Lover

And this is where it gets tricky. I believe Lover comes AFTER folklore and evermore. The album cover art for Lover looks like taylor is in the clouds of heaven looking down. Like she died on reputation now she’s in heaven.

However, I believe the pandemic “wrecked her plans” for Lover so she wrote two albums that tell the story of a ghost trapped between worlds in purgatory if you will. And the album cover art for folklore drives this point home.

She is looking up almost like she is trying to figure out how to get up there.

For the time being im just going to go through the story as I see it on folklore and maybe return to evermore at future time.

We get Peter Pan themes in cardigan and seven. Peter Pan is essentially a story of death and the afterlife.

“Peter losing Wendy”

“And I've been meaning to tell you/ I think your house is haunted/ Your dad is always mad and that must be why/ And I think you should come live with/ Me and we can be pirates”

Then we have the history lesson with LGAD and learn that she bought the property. She told the story of Rebekah in the past tense and when she talks about herself she says “I had a marvelous time” she remains in the past tense.

Then comes exile. I think Bon Iver’s part is a ghost watching Taylor with someone else. And the ghost is trapped in this world where it is forced to watch her like it’s torture reliving this day.

“I think I've seen this film before/ And I didn't like the ending/ You're not my homeland anymore...Now I'm in exile seein' you out”

Then the most explicit, the funeral/wake song, my tears ricochet. The whole song feels like Taylor is a ghost at her own funeral walking around watching all the people mourn the life she left behind.

“And I can go anywhere I want/ Anywhere I want, just not home”

Then mirrorball is this dreamscape view of who she has become this hollow version of her true self. Even though she is dead the world still sees her and she’s holding onto being seen even if it’s just mirroring. This song actually reminded me of the sun dying. We know that because of how far away the sun is from earth it would take like a little over 8mins for us to know it went out and in that time the sun shines its brightest. Again like Taylor is already dead but she’s going to shine her brightest before she goes out just for her fans.

“Hush/ I know they said the end is near/ But I'm still on my tallest tiptoes/ Spinning in my highest heels, love/ Shining just for you”

Then we have seven which I discussed a bit above but I’ll go into it a little further. She’s looking back to when she was still alive and was able to be herself. She reached her peak and had the choice to jump but she didn’t and the swing came back down with her bum still perched on the seat. Now she’s stuck.

“I hit my peak at seven feet/ In the swing/ Over the creek/ I was too scared to jump in”

“Please picture me/ In the weeds/ Before I learned civility/ I used to scream ferociously/ Any time I wanted”

Then in august we have Taylor again in this dreamscape. Taylor is saying “I can see us” like again she is looking from the outside in on her life and this relationship. This outside perspective where she’s a ghost reflecting and relishing in these moments in her life trying to figure out why she’s still wondering around this in between earthly plane.

Then this is me trying feels like her facing the dark side of her life. The song feels like her taking a turn and looking at her role in the low moment of her life and how she could’ve said more and been better. The second verse takes an outside perspective again looking back on what was happening in her head. Jumping back to exile “I never learned to read your mind” now in this is me trying Taylor is actually trying to verbalize what was going through her mind to her lover (the only person who can see the true her). “And maybe I don't quite know what to say/ But I'm here in your doorway.” Also the concept of being tortured with memories comes up again “You're a flashback in a film reel/ On the one screen in my town” like she’s trapped in this place where she is needs to fix this mess but she is still as a ghost and can’t do anything to stop it.

Illicit affairs is a song about her looking back on her life carrying on an affair with her lover. Loving her person in secret was okay for awhile But she learned that at a certain point you’ll want more and you can’t have it. She sings about living a double life. But what happens when you want to join the two but you can’t. Some part of you has to die. Thus creating a ghost.

Invisible string again feels like a dreamscape of what her life could be as ghost taylor comes to the realization that her life is tied to her lover and this is what she needs to fix in order to make it to her heaven.

“Hell was the journey but it brought me heaven”

Mad woman is ghost Taylor turning her anger towards the person/people who brought her to this hell.

“Wanting me dead has really brought you two together”

Epiphany feels like another dreamscape where taylor is pulled to other points in time. Definitely an interlude that seems to give perspective outside of her world but also touches her world. Specifically, being trapped in the moments between life and death. Those moments where you are watching someone’s life leave their eyes. The interlude of dying.

Betty in this world could be ghost taylor going back and asking for a second chance with her lover. It could be a flashback it could be the same film from this is me trying and exile. It’s the same story being told different ways. Right now is the last time I can dream about what happens when you see my face again.

Peace is Ghost taylor almost giving up. And trying to resolve to her afterlife in this purgatory in the woods and in a moment of solitude deciding what to do next. And ghost taylor asking if this would be enough. Would it be enough if I could never give you peace. If I never rest. If I haunted these woods forever. Would you be okay with just my ghost. What if I can’t get out is that okay.

Hoax gives reiterates peace in the sadness of its over. I don’t think this is a fight I can win. So ghost taylor fell into a desolate place realizing just how alone she really was in this purgatory. But staying there because she can’t leave the way she came and she doesn’t want to leave without her only one.

“My sleepless night/ My win-less fight/ This has frozen my ground.”

The lakes is ghost taylor realizing that her goal is to get out but she won’t do it until she can do it the way she wants with her person while she’s still trapped on the other side. But she knows killing her lover to do it is not the way. Almost like a battle cry she realizes that this is a fight for her life not for her lover’s death. (Ivy reference)

This is 💯 just my theory or story.

[lucifer-is-a-bag-of-dicks]

Hi! Am fairly new in the phandom and i am sending this here because I woke up with idea and I just HAVE to share this.

(sorry in advance if this doesn't make sense English is not my first language)

So I noticed that people normally write the ghosts as very dead/inhuman. They don't have much outside the zone. (Which is understandable since they are dead and they have been in there with no way out until the Fenton portal was opened)

But what about when they can get into the world they once lived in? I know they mostly use the opportunity to feed their obsession, but did they leave family behind? Friends?

If the faces and names of ghosts like Ember, Johnny, and Kitty got out of Amity. Would someone recognize them? How would this someone react? Would they be horrified? Would they try to reach out? How would the ghosts react if they did?

Just an interesting thought I never see people consider very much. It's perfect for angst!

this is a FANTASTIC concept and honestly one I very rarely see??

like, I've seen a headcanon or two about Ember's life because she's one of the few we've got hints about (from the lyrics of her song) and then there's Cujo who came back for his squeaky toy

but yeah ghosts like Johnny and Kitty couldn't be more than a few decades old, people they knew would still be alive

I guess the fact that they can't get much further than Amity Park would make it difficult for them to find anyone they knew in life if they don't also live there, but yeah if people outside did hear about them, I wonder if they'd come to Amity to look for them?

just imagining Kitty run into some older lady who seems really excited to see her and realises it's her best friend, and she just bitches to her about how her parents made the funeral so formal and didn't even let any of Kitty's friends in, so she and the other girls snuck into the cemetery later and poured one out for her, graffitied her nickname over the headstone because they thought it's what she would have wanted

and Kitty would just be like, so SHOOK but also so happy to know that her girls had her back but also super sad to find out that her parents had disrespected everything about her to hold a funeral they approved of

and then some fuck Johnny used to know shows up like 'hey dickweed don't think I forgot about that fifty bucks you owe me just because you're dead'

this is really fun omg I would actually love to write a fic about this

[writella]

Touch

Pairing: Luke Patterson x reader

Summary: Luke’s spirit is brought down by the pain he has caused his parents as well as the hardships that come from adoring you, a lifer. He craves your touch but his ghostly form keeps him from getting the thing he most desires to recieve.

Word Count: 1.7k

A/N: First fic! Sorry that it's kind of long. I don’t know if this would be considered “angsty” but it is kind of sad in the beginning but trust me it becomes really sweet at the end!

Julie and the Phantoms was such a good show. I loved how the writers and Charlie showed that despite how positive Luke was, he was harboring a lot of pain inside when it came to how he left him mom that he didn’t show anyone. This piece touches on that point a little bit more. If you would like to leave a review, that would be super appreciated. I’m sure there are a bunch of grammar errors anyway.

-

Luke came to you after he left Julie at his parents house. He told you about the song to his mom, about how his parents still celebrated his birthday after all these years. He told you about the grief he felt and how he felt like he had no one. You told him that he had you, and Julie, and the guys most importantly, that you were sure they missed their family members too. He admitted to you though, that both Alex and Reggie avoided talking about their family, it was one of the only things that they weren’t being honest about with each other. He said he couldn’t be the one to bring it up.

“I’m the strong one!” He explained. “If I don’t push them forward, they’ll fall apart. I have to be happy, I have to be okay so they-“

“It’s okay not to be okay all the time, Luke,” You interrupt him, then you send him a sympathetic smile as you come to a realization: “I didn’t know you put all this pressure on yourself... I’m sorry. Come here,” without thinking you motion him forward, arms reaching to grasp his back, only catching handfuls of air.

Luke gives you an exasperated laugh, in the heat of it all, he almost forgot for a second himself.

“Well, this is a strange little relationship we have, isn’t it?” Tears swipe down his cheek.

“Luke...” you didn’t know how to respond, you cursed yourself for making the situation worse.

“I’ll see you tomorrow. Or whenever. Alright?” His words were short as he forced a smile and disappeared from your sight.

You woke up from your haze and caught your eyes staring out the window, looking at the boy you were just thinking about. He sat on an old brown chair right next to the garage door. Julie took some down that hung from the garage ceiling a few nights ago for him. She said she got tired of seeing Luke crouching down on the concrete like a sad lost puppy.

“Why don’t you just stop avoiding him and finally go down there?” Julie sighs. “Maybe you’ll have better luck than me.”

“Than all of us.” Alex chimed in.

You were hesitant but as Julie pushed you to the door it seemed as if you had no choice.

“You’re our only hope.” Reggie said with a sad smile, echoing a quote from his favorite franchise.

As you walked toward Luke, his gaze on the night sky never faltered.

“You don’t have to say anything... Just want to be with you. Alright?” You said softly as you sat down on the chair next to him. You decided you were only going to keep him company, not dwell on what happened. You remembered what he said about always having to be the strong one, you guessed that’s what you were trying to do now.

He only slightly nodded, not wanting to look you in the eye. He was surprised you’d finally come. Everyone, Reggie, Alex, and Julie had come to sit with him from time to time, getting nothing out of him. He sort of wished you finally would show up but now that you’re here, he couldn’t say anything despite how much he wanted to. He tried to urge the words to his tongue but his apprehension kept them stuck inside his brain. He bounced his knee, his frustration as well as your closeness was getting to him.

He knew he shouldn’t have been ignoring you, you must’ve felt as bad as he did but he needed some time to think. Maybe just a day, he reasoned, just to go through the motions by himself and then wake up going back to his easy going self again the next morning. This is what he told himself, yes, but then a day became another, and then another.

It surprised him, how out of it he was. Usually, it was so easy for him to find the courage to remain optimistic but right now he just felt like a disappointment. He was usually able to thrive upon this fact, a 90s misfit, nowhere to go but up. He loved the idea that one day his band’s talent would shine so brightly everyone would have no choice but to see their beauty. And it didn’t come from anger, Luke was never a resentful person, it came from a place of purity. He wanted his music to make people feel connected; understood, just like it had for him. Or like it has for him up until now. He hadn't been able to play in days.

The bittersweet melody of Unsaid Emily became the mantra that invaded his brain this past week. Every time the song came to an end, his mind replayed the lyrics again, and again; an endless loop. And with that came the images of his parents, blowing out a birthday candle with misty tears in their eyes, thinking of their boy they believed they lost forever. And then there was you, of course. The prettiest girl he’d ever seen, who laughed at his confusing metaphors, and built him up when he was feeling down which was something he usually had to do for others. Ever since he met you, you were there for him in a way no one else had been. The thought almost relieved his pain. Could this truly be love? He had dated around before but never had he been in a real relationship. After finding the guys, the band was all he thought about, the only connection he felt he needed. Plus, he just had to prove to his mom that he could make it, and that took all of his attention. Another mistake, he thought.

Once again he revisits the memory of your arms going through him. Not only could he never apologize to his parents but he couldn’t even love one of the only people on Earth who could actually see him the way he wanted to. Never had he felt so completely helpless. He wanted you to know that he didn’t want to give up. He needed you to know that you were enough, but he was fearful to try anything despite how desperately he wanted touch. He even counted the ways he could do it in his head: perhaps he’d lightly stroke your knee, softly rub his thumb on your intertwined hands, maybe brush your hair behind your ear with his fingers lingering till he felt the last strand of hair slip away. Or maybe, just maybe, he’d even give you the softest kiss. One so pure and light, because while he was a ghost, he thought of you as an angel and he believed an angel deserved a touch just as delicate, but he couldn’t. He was dead.

It had been an hour of you two sitting in silence. You stared at him and sighed. You thought he was beautiful. You could go on endlessly about the physicality of that beauty but what really tugged on your heart was what was inside. His mind, his body, his soul, that was bound in optimism. You’d never seen anything like it. Right from when Julie met him, she told you, he put the realization of being dead, of being a ghost, behind him just to help her become a part of the music program again, giving her the words of encouragement, it’s a closed door, but you’ve gotta bust it open!

You felt terrible that you were a part of the reason why his spirit was currently crushed. You desperately wanted touch. You wanted him to know you were there for him but you knew words weren’t enough.

Screw it, you thought. You were going to try again and even if it didn’t work you were ready to tell him that you didn’t care, that seeing was all you needed to be with him. You wanted him to know that you weren’t giving up. You needed him to know that he was enough, fear wasn’t going to stop you.

You reached for his knee. Trying to touch the tips of his hand that laid there with yours, ready for the sensation of air to swoosh between your fingertips but then, just then, you... felt. First it was the tips of nails, then fingers, and as he turned his hand, eyes bulging wide, you felt his palm. You held it there for a second, soon sliding your palms together, you intertwined your fingers with his. You were actually holding hands.

Luke’s mouth went agape and you met his eyes, sharing the same look of disbelief. Seeing a tear roll down the right side of his face you realized your emotions mirrored his as one dripped down on the left side of yours. He wiped it away with his thumb, gripping your face a little more roughly than he intended to, the excitement apparent in his shaky hands.

He soon loosened his grip, now caressing your cheek, creating friction as he rubbed back and forth, replacing the chill of the night air on your skin with warmth. His fingers, then moved to your chin, then he poked your nose, brushed his fingertips against your eyelashes, till he finally rolled them against your lips, slowly. He couldn’t believe he felt you. The feeling was something even a dream couldn’t conjure up, something that even he couldn’t describe in a lovely song lyric; this was perfection; this was, indeed, love.

This revelation brought with it courage and with that he finally willed himself up off that chair and yanked your arm that was connected to your still intertwined hands with it and at once you became one with a hug. One so fierce and tight you couldn’t breath, his arms crushing your shoulders, his hands caressing your head, his fingers falling on the strands of your hair.

With one arm still around you, he moved one of his hands against your cheek once more, connecting his forehead to yours. You both relished in the closeness, breathing each other in.

“If I ever cross over, I bet this is what heaven feels like,” he said in a soft whisper, finally breaking the silence, but only adding to the moment’s loveliness. “I think you’re connected to my soul.”

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Thank you for reading!