#klonopin-kids

[discoidal]

tumblring from the emergency ward whatsup

[clawsextended]

juuuuuuuuuuust casually having a panic attack at work.

[namedforvalor]

I am so tired of feeling sick and then panicking because I feel sick and then the panic makes me feel even more sick and then I panic because I feel sick and

[alois-vanity]

Love when i pass out n just wake up with my kitty Curled up underneath the blanket with me

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

you are keeping us well fed with the disabled!reader poolverine storyline tysm <3

The older boys, once fed and walked settled in with their devices. Content to play games with Wade and annoy you. The younger, Logan noted, velcroed himself to your side. Wanting to be held, wanting to be snuggled. And you were more than happy to do it.

He didn't want to rough house. When the livingroom devolved into a baby cage match, he brought you a book. Clamoring into your lap. And the two men traded a look.

You gathered him up, kissing the side of his head and just started reading. No questions or protests. And even the Older boys, drawn in by their own memories of story time made their way over with pillows to sprawl on. Settling in with their phones.

They felt a pang. You wouldn't get your own babies to cuddle, but it was pretty clear that the kids that you did get to love knew you were safe in your house. Making themselves at home. All day, they hadn't hesitated to get a snack or tease you. They never flinched at what Wade looked like or Logan's brooding. They knew your world was different even if they didn't know how exactly.

When Ronnie, the youngest dozed off you held him for a little bit before wiggling out and letting him lay on the couch and throwing a blanket over him. "Looks like I should start figuring out dinner, huh?"

"Pizza?" Zach, the oldest put in.

"You got, pizza money, homie?" you ask, leaning on the back of his chair, "Because I got 'works for the state' money and that will not order pizza for you three heathens."

"Aww man-"

"I do have mac and cheese stuff and some smoked susage and green beans, though," you muse.

"But is there extra cheese?" Zach asked.

"Do I look like your mother?"

He grinned and you ruffled his hair, heading to the kitchen to go start cooking and he followed you. Logan listened with half an ear, he knew a kid looking for a pep talk when he saw one.

And when he leaned against your shoulder and you rested your head on his for a second, Logan smiled a little. evidently you did too. "What's wrong, bug?"

"Nothing-"

"Uh-huh."

Zach huffed and you just waited, filling a pot with water and bustling around. "I just- mom's got me signed up for so much shit- and like, why?"

"Mostly because your grandma did it to us," you muse. "And also because she doesn't want you to turn out like us- mostly me."

Zach gave you a look and you smile a little. "I spent an absurd amount of time trying to be someone I wasn't baby. I just... Don't care about cars and having a big ass house. I don't WANT the life they mapped out for me. And even if I DID, I'm not sure I could even do it."

He watched you work for a second and looked at his brothers before looking back at you. "I used to try. And I'm not saying you shouldn't. But. Give yourself some grace... And as hard as it can be, give your mom some grace. She loves you."

He snorted and you crinkle your nose. "She does. Even if she doesn't show it like we want her to- Remember. She ALSO had to survive our parents and live to tell about it."

Zach shook his head, "Grandma is unhinged, dude."

"And she mellowed out once Dad started slipping her Klonopin. So. Imagine what she was like BEFORE that."

"Ugh." Zach shuddered and you nudged him out of your way handing him a soda with a laugh.

[goodnightmemes]

EVIL DEAD RISE (2023) SENTENCE STARTERS

❛ You looked like you were gonna shit a brick out sideways. ❜

❛ It wouldn't have been a clean decapitation with these blades. You'd just scramble your face up real good. ❜

❛ I gave her Klonopin so she can sleep off whatever the fuck is wrong with her. ❜

❛ Who's the brainless meat puppet now? ❜

❛ We're watching all the Freddy movies in a row. Even the shitty ones. So, you, um, wanna come over and… ❜

❛ You look like mom. ❜

❛ You know, the downstairs buzzer is totally busted. I was able to walk in right off the street. ❜

❛ Ghosts aren't real. ❜

❛ I only believe what I can see. ❜

❛ Hey, be nice or you don't get a gift. ❜

❛ Why didn't you tell me? I would've jumped right on a plane to help you work through this. ❜

❛ I called you. Twice. ❜

❛ I don't blame you. I hate the sound of my voice too. ❜

❛ I screwed up again, like I always do. And I need you to help me figure it out. Again. ❜

❛ I think I peed my pants. ❜

❛ You never take the elevator after a quake. ❜

❛ Oh, honey. I love you guys so much more than pizza. ❜

❛ You think it might be worth something? ❜

❛ I don't think Mom wants cash from something you stole. ❜

❛ Weird shit like this gets locked away for a reason. Just leave it. ❜

❛ I don't like this. You need to put it back right now. ❜

❛ I would like to present what I believe to be one of the three fabled volumes of Naturum Demento, The Book of the Dead. ❜

❛ Destroy it! It's called The Book of the Dead for a reason! ❜

❛ Its pages contain ancient rituals and incantations, the recitation of which proclaim to allow contact with supernatural forces that exist beyond the thin veneer of our known world. ❜

❛ It's okay. It's just a blackout. ❜

❛ It was a perfect day and all I could think about was how much I wanted to cut you all open and climb inside your bodies so that we could stay one happy family. ❜

❛ It's in me. ❜

❛ Don't let it take my babies. ❜

❛ One minute she was fine and the next she was talking crazy and...and now she's gone. ❜

❛ May I pray? ❜

❛ There's an old fire-escape ladder on the north side of the building. I could try to get down that, raise the alarm, get some help in here.❜

❛ You got the tools? We could just cut right through the door. ❜

❛ You ain't gettin' through those old doors without something heavy-duty. ❜

❛ I'm gonna get my gun, and we're gonna blast it open. ❜

❛ I don't like being trapped. ❜

❛ Everyone is on edge enough without a gun getting fired in here. ❜

❛ I don't know what to do. You're the one who always has the answers. ❜

❛ No matter how busy you ever got, you always found time for me. For everyone. ❜

❛ You have to help me. You have to. I'm burning. I'm burning alive! ❜

❛ Mommy's with the maggots now. ❜

❛ What's happening to me? ❜

❛ I'm free now. Free from all you titty-sucking parasites. ❜

❛ Let me kiss it better. ❜

❛ Who wants to rot next? ❜

❛ Get away from the door. ❜

❛ Please, we need help! Let me in! ❜

❛ You never should've stolen it. ❜

❛ This isn't my fault. ❜

❛This is your fault! ❜

❛ You don't turn on each other. Ever. ❜

❛ [name]'s right. This is all my fault. ❜

❛ Oh, there you are. Hey there, cutie-pie. ❜

❛ Open up and let us in. We can be a big, happy family again. ❜

❛ You don't look so good. ❜

❛ Nothing a big old hug and kiss from you won't fix. ❜

❛ Open the door like you open your legs, you stinking groupie slut! ❜

❛ What are you looking at, hon? ❜

❛ I gotta kill the creepy-crawlies that I got inside my tummy. ❜

❛ Is this a nightmare? ❜

❛ Is what happened to [name] gonna happen to us? ❜

❛ You'd be a good mom/dad someday. You know how to lie to kids. ❜

❛ I thought I should tie her up. Just in case. ❜

❛ Yeah, well, maybe there's words on there that can help stop all of this. ❜

❛ My want to understand and commune with the other side could not have been more misguided. ❜

❛ This evil is not governed by the rules of man. No, it takes its pleasure in creating terror through total chaos. ❜

❛ [name]'s kitty hides up there sometimes. ❜

❛ Told you, you should've put the book back. ❜

❛ I can hear them outside the doors now, begging for me. It is only a matter of time before I am taken too. ❜

❛ Nothing can stop this demonic force. Even its final remnants will come after you. ❜

❛ You must run. All you can do is run! ❜

❛ This horror will not stop until innocence is destroyed. ❜

❛ I will swallow your soul. ❜

❛ [name] waits in hell for you and your unborn bastard baby. ❜

❛ Are you gonna be a mom? ❜

❛ I'm getting us out of here. ❜

❛ You have no idea what it's like to bring a child into this world. ❜

❛ Everybody here dies by dawn. Dead by dawn! ❜

❛ Am I dead? ❜

❛ Come get some. ❜

❛ You know, you really do look like Mom. And you're gonna fail miserably just like her. ❜

[thats-h0w-th3-light-g3ts-in]

• G A M E A L E R T •

Tagged by @theluckydimecaper and as always glad to participate!

RULES: put 5 songs you actually listen to, then tag 10 people.

Okay first of all — let me explain:

I do listen to other musicians than Fleetwood Mac I have actually 10.000 songs on my iPod (yes I still have an iPod, no I don’t use spotify) and some of my favorite songs are probably, subjectively spoke, even ’better’ than some of the Fleetwood Mac songs chosen here but right now I just CAN‘T listen to anything else. I am sorry. I haven’t listened to anything but Fleetwood Mac for months. That‘s just how it is.

Also, I‘m gonna elaborate a bit on the songs I chose because I like to force myself and my opinions onto people.

Here we go:

1. Sentimental Lady - Fleetwood Mac

From the Bare Trees album vocals by Bob Welch

I just love that song, it has such an enchanting chorus I could just sing it all day long. Plus Chris‘ voice in the background of the original FMac version is just the cherry on top of the … you know what I mean. I love Bob Welch, so underrated.

2. Show Me a Smile - Fleetwood Mac

From the Future Games album vocals by Christine McVie

This song isn’t particularly special melody wise but I just wonder so much about the lyrics. Chris never had any kids and I highly suspect the song was written about the men surrounding her. They were merely boys back then especially Danny Kirwan. I think she sometimes must have felt like the only grown up in the room. Sadly, we‘ll never know, but it‘s a beautiful and sweet song for sure.

3. Sweet Girl - Fleetwood Mac

From The Dance live album vocals by Stevie Nicks

I‘ve read somewhere that Stevie wrote that song for Christine and that makes me tear up. She wrote it for The Dance in 1998, they hadn’t been very close back then and I think Stevie very much regretted that. It reflects in the lyrics. I think she wanted so much to let Chris into her life during that weird period of her klonopin addiction but she just couldn’t and she felt sorry for that.

4. Only Over You - Fleetwood Mac

From Mirage vocals by Christine McVie

When she sings: ‘Angel please don‘t go.‘ my heart shatters into a million pieces. I‘m actually a strong advocate for John McVie but the true story is that their marriage didn’t last and at some point Dennis Wilson came in and Chris loved him very much. She just couldn’t keep up with him and so it wasn’t to be and I think she was sad about having to face reality.

5. Bleed to Love Her - Fleetwood Mac

From The Dance live album vocals by Lindsey Buckingham

Man The Dance is a great album. I chose this mainly because shit you‘ve gotta give Lindsey some credit. He is a god on the guitar and his songs are more than worthy. Bleed to Love Her just sticks in your head and I love that.

Sorry for the novel. You may comment, I love hearing your views.

I‘m tagging my homies always there for me liking my stuff — you are great , I appreciate you and if you feel up to it you can participate in this game.

@stevienicksquotes @zeharah @gifterscrews @whatso-never @tusktrek @bluelamps @tinatina6 @lightning-str1kes @lovesahscoven @thewolveswithin @neuroprincess

[smegmafactory4ever]

To be entirely honest I did post all of those strawberry shortcake style evolution takes while on klonopin + liquor so idr how we got there but I do wonder if children today can even tell when they switch between cartoons because they all look exactly the same and they are also indistinguishable from YouTube kids slop content. If I ever have kids they will literally only watch SVU re-runs and Tom & Jerry and Trisha Paytas videos

[servin-up-surveys]

survey #224

Do you want the last dream you had to come true? No.

When did you last talk to the person you’d most wanna talk to right now? I was talking to him on Discord earlier.

What kind of pill did you last take? My Klonopin that I take daily now.

Do you like wearing glasses? I mean, I don't really care too much, it is what it is, I wanna see, but I'd certainly prefer not needing them. I hate smudged lenses and it'd be nice to not even have frames obscuring my vision. I can't do contacts, especially because my worse eye needs a weighted one and it gave me a headache when I tried contacts again.

What would you most like to eat right now? Fast food, admittedly. We would usually eat out once or twice a week, but in the past... three weeks maybe, we've done it once. I adjust very poorly to change, and without Mom's car, her being extremely financially in the hole, and things like delivery being very expensive, we just haven't been able to. I have had a HARD time adjusting, as much as I hate to admit it. I despise how much I enjoy fast food.

How long were you last in the car for? Around 30 minutes, coming home from Girt's place.

What first comes to mind when thinking of 10th grade? I started dating Jason.

What’s the scariest thing that’s happened to you? A breakup so debilitating and world-shattering that I wanted to die every waking moment for over a year and it culminated in me trying to kill myself. That was all pretty fucking scary.

Has an ambulance ever came to your house? Yes, for both me and my mom. When I was a teenager, maybe for Ashley when she had her POTS fainting/seizure episodes?

Whose pool did you last swim in? A family friend's.

What’s the cutest thing someone’s ever done for you? I don't know.

How many different cars have you driven? Two, and one was for driver's ed.

What did you do on Thursday? I just hung around here.

What do you do on Fridays? Ordinarily, help my mom watch my sister's three kids.

What door did you last open besides any on your house or car? Girt's car when he brought me home.

Where do you hang your towel to dry after showering? I put it in the laundry.

What movie are you embarrassed to admit you’ve watched? None that I can think of.

Would you ever take a bullet for your significant other? I wouldn't have to think about this for a moment, hell yes I would.

If you were starving on a freezing mountain, would you eat your friend? Some things aren't worth living after, no.

Does the movie Titanic make you cry? It sure did, haha. I cry VERY easily, though.

Have you ever had an embarrassing period story? If so, what happened? Not that I remember.

Who is a former friend that you wish would come back into your life? I think I'll always miss Megan. I shouldn't. She lied to me about so, so much because she wanted pity from an online friend that couldn't verify she was lying. Forever shoutout to Mazzy for making me face my fear she was bullshitting everyone, Megan admitted to it when I confronted her. Then she just ran and disappeared from my life. I don't think she was some dangerous predator or something, I genuinely believe she was just a kid making a fake life on the Internet to get sympathy from people.

Have you ever thrown up in public, in front of someone else? If yes, was it embarrassing? Yes. Once in true public (in kindergarten), once in front of Girt in an extremely embarrassing show. I don't count my mom, she's almost always present when I throw up because I call for her to be with me. I have an extreme phobia of vomiting and get legitimately terrified when I feel it coming, like my body doesn't know what to do.

Did you ever take your dog to school? Yes actually, I remember bringing my dog Teddy to my 5th grade class one day. I can't remember what the occasion was, though.

Have you ever seen a Broadway show? No.

What by your definition is the naughtiest thing you have done? I am not comfortable sharing that.

Do you like your best friend’s parents? Could you even tell me their names? I only know his mom (who's great) 'cuz his dad died before I ever met his family. Shelia (yes, it's spelled that way) is his mom, Donald Sr. was his dad.

How many fridges are in your house? One.

If you were drunk would the person you like take care of you? Of course he would, if he was with me.

Which celebrities would you have a threesome with? If I was single, Richard Kruspe and probably Mark Fischbach still. What opposite people, that's an image. 😂 Idk I love Oliver Riedel (another member of Rammstein) too and he's such a sweetheart too, maybe I'd replace Mark with him, at least he and Richard are homies so it'd be less awkward lmfao. Ollie is married though so Marie approval before something like that.

What color are your towels? We have different colors.

How many pillows do you sleep with? Two.

Have you ever needed to call the police? 911 when we thought my mom was having a heart attack. She actually wasn't, I can't remember exactly what the issue was, but it was... extreme for her. And extremely terrifying.

Are you afraid of walking alone at night? I'd be terrified, if I actually did this.

Where did your last kiss take place and with whom? Girt's car, with Girt obviously.

Do/did you get into trouble a lot at school? No, I was a very good student. I only ever got in trouble for excessive tardies in the morning, because I was pain in the ass to get out of bed in the morning so I'd occasionally be a few minutes late to my first class. I had detention once for this because I reached the threshold they allowed, and it was the only time I've ever had detention.

Have you ever been offered drugs but declined? I've never been offered drugs, I think. But possibly at a party I went to at my friend's place? Summer knew I didn't smoke weed, but I suppose it's possible one of her friends offered me a hit but I woulda said no.

Have you ever been offered drugs and accepted? No. Well wait, alcohol is considered a drug, in which case, yes. But that's it.

Tell us something weird that turns you on. I mean, "weird" is subjective.

When did someone last admit romantic or sexual feelings for you? Was the feeling mutual? Girt and I have been dating for almost three years now, so obviously it was mutual. No one else has admitted anything since.

What is something you have given a lot of thought to lately? I'd prefer to not get into it, because it's stressful to think about and I'm just gonna ramble, and I ramble badly about shit I barely even care about lmao, nevermind something I've thought about a lot.

When did you last swallow your beliefs to avoid an argument or confrontation? A few days back with an armchair diagnoser about someone she's never met but is passionate about. She was VERY passionate about it and was aggressive at opposition. Don't try to diagnose people you don't fucking know, lads.

Do you usually initiate hugs? Yes.

What are you looking forward to? Seeing Girt again, I miss him.

Do you think you’re a good person? I try to be.

Are you a very open or private person? It depends on the topic.

What is your favourite Christmas movie? Jim Carrey's How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I also really enjoy Home Alone 2: Lost in New York.

What do you get complimented on the most? My hair or tattoos.

If money was no object, where would you move to? Blue Ridge Mountains in NC.

Who was the last person to make you cry? I think my mom.

Who was the last person you talked about sex with? I'm sure it was Girt.

Post a screen shot of your Twitter "Interactions" page. I don't use Twitter and Twitter and all Elon Musk owns/creates can rot.

Click on the messages tab on Facebook, post a screen shot (erase surnames for safety). I could do this one, but I just don't feel like it lmao. I'd wanna censor their whole names and photos.

Post a screenshot of your tumblr activity page. THIS one is purely I just don't feel like it lol.

Do you believe in soul mates? Nope.

Do you play video games? Yes.

What age do people usually mistake you for? I've been mistaken for ~19.

What perfume do you wear? I barely ever wear perfume at all. I think I have one called Blush in the bathroom cabinet, and it smells nice, but it's years old lol.

When you wash your hands, do you use the cold or hot tap (faucet)? We have one handle; temperature depends on which direction you turn it. I tend to just push it up towards the middle. If I'm in a place where there ARE two faucets though, I'll pick the hot one.

What is the biggest injury you’ve ever sustained and how did you do it? Running down the road as a kid and falling. I tore my knees the FUCK up, I'm talking treating wounds for a long time that involved blood and pus both.

What is the most unique animal you’ve ever touched? An Abyssinian ground hornbill named Ike at a local bird sanctuary, probably. I had a once-in-a-lifetime experience to have this bird bond with me. One of the employees was nearby when he just walked right up to me at the fence and wanted attention and she said she'd never seen him do anything like it with a guest before. He stayed with me for as long as I remained there, and we got photos and video. He really enjoyed me gently petting him.

Which would you rather out of these 3 options? A: Be good looking and extremely intelligent but so poor you live on the streets. B: Be extremely intelligent and a millionaire but what society classes as ugly. Or C: Be good looking and a millionaire but extremely academically challenged? Why? B, so long as you don't mean ugly at heart.

Would you rather raise 25 children or have the chance of ever having children taken away? Why? I WISH I was infertile, dude. I'd rather kill myfuckingself than have 25 children.

Whose concert would you most like to see? Rammstein, it's not even a competition. Not just because I love them, but they famously put on a serious show.

Do you have any regrets? Of course I do, I don't know if I believe people who say they don't regret ANYTHING.

Who are the three most important people in your life? Mom, Girt, and... idk about the third. If Mazzy and Tez can both count despite being two, then them.

Are you afraid of dying? I mean, I'm afraid of the experience of dying, but not death itself. I believe death is just exactly as things were before I was born: complete lack of consciousness.

[crmsnmth]

September Sky Chapter Two, part 9 (End of Chapter Two)

"What the fuck is wrong with you? You're getting blood everywhere!" I was bleeding out, and she was more concerned with the rug. Her voice was right in front of me. My eyes were closed at this point. My hand didn't hurt, it was just numb and wet and sticky.

"Oh my god, Chris! Shit." I could feel her lift my hand up and actually look at the cut. I felt the pressure as another handful of towels was held tightly onto the wound. I didn't really care. I was tired. I was really tired. Of life in general.

"Fuck. Come on, get up. I'll take you to the ER. You need stitches and I can't get it to stop." I felt her lift me up to my fee and help carry me out of the apartment, and she loaded me in her car. I groaned, trying to tell her no, don't, but I was just tired.

I opened my eyes. I was staring into our bathroom mirror. The cut in my palm had been cleaned. I turned around to face the door. Emily stood there just watching. There was no sound at all. Pure silence. I tried leaving the room, but she would not move out of the way. I'd step to the right, she'd step to the right. Like a mirror image

"I'm sorry," Emily's voice echoed, as if the bathroom was a cave, cold and dark. I'd heard those words so many times, they lost all meaning. One of us was always sorry. One of us was always guilty. And one of us was always the victim. Two words that meant nothing fixed it all.

* * * *

Blue light from my television screen lay my room in a cold glow. My eyes opened and the walls were instantly in my face, my small room shrinking into a claustrophobic hell. Sweat broke out along my forehead, and even though I could feel my face heating up, I shivered. I kicked my blankets off.

My breath came in sharp and cutting gasps, my lungs begging for more air. I just couldn't inhale. I knew, deep down, I was safe and in my own bed, but it was buried under the panic of the nightmare. My eyes searched the ever-closing walls, looking for some way I could run. My hands shook, and I closed my eyes as tight as I could. Tight enough that lights and colors danced behind my lids.

I was having a panic attack, and I was not in control of it. I held my body, in the fetal position on my bed. The air was getting heavier with each breath. I gritted my teeth so hard, I swear I could feel them cracking behind my lips.

I focused, with all the energy I could muster, on my breathing. Slowing it down. Keeping my eyes shut tight, I made each breath longer than the last. Inhale, exhale. Repeat slower. Eventually, my breathing stabilized itself, and I opened my eyes again. The walls were back where they belonged. I was freezing, in drying sweat. Stomach acid bit into my throat. I reached up on top of my dresser, finding the Klonopin, and chewing up two of the little pills. I lay on my back, staring at the ceiling. Still focused strictly on my breathing.

Eventually, everything came home, and this panic attack went the way of all the others. Out of memory. Out of mind. I got out of bed, grabbed my cigarettes and headed out onto the porch couch.

It was chilly outside, and I was a little angry at myself for not throwing on my coat, but it didn't matter. I lit my cigarette and sat down.

I found myself looking at the palm of my left hand. A large pink ribbon of scar tissue went across the whole thing. It wasn't the only one either. My arms were covered in tiny razor scars that only come from self-harm. Even my chest had a bunch. And there were quite a few large ones that scared some people. Most of these large ones wasn't mine. My wrists were.

I tried to kill myself at 15. I was a loner kid. I didn't get invited to hang out, or to actually do anything. Sometimes I'd show up, but I never really was one with the crowd. I was a novelty act. And I knew it.

That's a lot for an already fucked up teenage mind, but add on the idea of bipolar starting, it was hopeless. And three months after school started, I slit my wrists in the bathroom. My13 year old younger brother found me. He's the only I've ever felt the need to apologize to. He shouldn't have seen that. He wasn't supposed to be coming home, but he did. I'm sure I fucked him up for life.

I finished my cigarette and headed back into the warmth of the house. I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling again, counting minutes instead of sheep. I made it to forty-eight minutes, before I finally was able to fall back into sleep. And pray there were no more nightmares coming. None came. No dreams at all came.

[ghostlyschizophrenic]

tw under the cut: drug misuse, mixed episode, suicidality

i’m high on ativan, klonopin, and weed rn because i need a fuckin break from this mixed episode. i’m bouncing from fucking suicidal and almost breaking my two year clean streak from self harm to feeling so recklessly invincible that i want to just keep taking and taking something because if a little bit helps maybe more will make it even better. i can’t continuously take my ativan with the frequency i’m doing (i’m taking 6-8 pills a day) without running out before my next refill, and my klonopin isn’t even mine, it’s an old prescription of my dads that he doesn’t take anymore so i only have a limited supplies.

i should probably just stick to weed at this point but i’m terrified of weed psychosis because i’m already dealing with my mood symptoms i can’t have psychosis popping in too. not telling my psychiatrist about this tho

anyway don’t do what i do kids

[weddingweightlossdreams]

Intro post

Just turned 26

Was in the community about 10 years ago (a veteran lol), recovered, now I'm back (pls no pro-recov comments)

If anyone has tips for people coming back to the community (relearning fasting habits etc.) pleaseeeee lmk I'm all ears

The Stats

5'4

SW: 170lb

CGW: 155lb

GW2: 140lb

UGW: 115lb

The Plan

Starting out 1200cal/day, but ideally under 900

Tracking calories in MFP (ol reliable lmao)

Need to find the best fasting tracker, any tips?

Intermittent Fasting schedule: eating allowed 1pm-8pm

Liquid fasting: water, broth, low-cal caffinated drinks

Metabolism day: 1500cal WHOLE FOODS ONLY

Weekly weigh-ins with body comp, MUST POST for accountability

ANY video games or (non-ed) social media time MUST be on the treadmill

The Schedule

Monday: Intermittent

Tuesday: Intermittent

Wednesday: Liquid Fast

Thursday: Intermittent

Friday: Intermittent

Saturday: Metabolism reset

Sunday: Liquid Fast

The Supplements

Magnesium Glycinate 400-600mg: aches, sleep, and 💩

L-methylfolate 1700mcg: energy, metabolism

Womens multi: nutrients, energy, metabolism

D3+K2: energy, immune, actual diagnosed deficiency lmao

Fish oil: doctor told me I had to

Calcium + Zinc: bone, immune

Iron: anemic babeyyy

B-complex: anemic babeyyy and also energy/metabolism

The Medicines

Klonopin 0.5mg 2x/day

Buspar 10mg 2x/day

Clonidine 0.2mg 1x/day (really want to get off this one, tapered down from 0.3-0.4mg recently and super proud of myself!)

Reallllly want to get my anxiety under control so that I can get back on a stimulant, I miss my vyvanse so much it made fasting soooo easy

The Reason

I'm engaged and want to actually feel beautiful on my wedding day. I want to be able to have kids and not have all this disgusting fat weighing me down so I can actually play with them. I want to be able to buy the clothes I love. I want to have the energy to work AND workout AND socialize. I've been there before and I WILL get there again!!!

[naritaren]

Kids. If you have two different PRN meds that you keep in your pill box without labelling, make sure they're not both yellow and similar. Because I was looking for my klonopin and almost took my ritalin. That would have the opposite effect I'm going for here.

[kylo-wrecked]

@brooklynislandgirl sent:// [ sex on the beach ] Even if Ben's breath is the only thing that makes him stir, Beth know he's not yet asleep. That he's staring into the dark. Lost on the tide of his own thoughts. Doesn't need rescuing but she can't help herself, can she? She's a stronger swimmer than he is most days. They studiously avoid mentioning tonight's debate. She nudges his bare skin with the tip of her nose, the only point of contact that isn't the sheets. "Wha' do ya consider red flags in a relationship?" {SenSon}

{ from this meme }

—☾—

He doesn't know what he hates more: the moon cresting the Verazzano Bridge like the klonopin half he took an hour ago or Beth's question. Ben feels his stomach flop several stories down into the Narrows. 

"What? Why?"

The round of his deltoid flattens on the mattress as he rolls over.

"Beth—"

It's after one, he thinks at her, his mind still swimming with visions of the hypothetical. Rarely can he conjure the shapes of his future from his ruminations in the dark. Even the past is dim. Still, he finds Beth's face in that darkness and makes out the soft contours of her nose and mouth. The faint trace of her breath. Her eyes benefit from the shade of a partially pulled curtain. Ben can't see them. Can she see his? Are they betraying him right now?

"Um." He thinks. "If I stumble upon a 'can't take me at my worst, don't deserve me at my best' quote on the dating profile she said she deleted. That happened once."

Oddly specific, but Ben doesn't trouble about the threads of that particular story. He snuggles up to Beth, who lies quietly on her stomach, listening or half-listening. He presumes she'll filter out about sixty-five percent of his ramblings tonight, this black and yellow haze of early morning—fair. Rarely does he give straight answers or say anything of consequence. 

Ben fits his throat to her shoulder; his arm dwarfs her back. He massages Beth's scalp and wonders what having someone fitted to you is like. He wonders if the weight feels good. 

"I take issue with people who've founded whole personalities on how much they hate dogs and kids." 

People—meaning the guys, coworkers, or acquaintances—Ben perhaps grew mildly attracted to—in the past. 

"People"—women, strangers—"who're just after my wallet. But in a relationship?"

He hasn't had many of those. Ben stops massaging the pony-soft back of Beth's head and yawns, falling deeper into his half-sleep state. 

"I think I'm colorblind, actually," he says into her neck. Into the smell of Beth. "Is that bad? Does that raise red flags, pink flags?"

[thebasedsaint7]

My experience, strength, & hope

Growing up was fairly normal for me, I don’t have that tragic childhood that ignited my addiction at an early age or anything like that. I honestly think I was born this way, but the drugs didn’t come into play until my late teens. It started with food, and then boys, and so on and so forth.  

My family had its share of troubles, but we also had a ton of fun together. I grew up camping & going on little vacations during the summer. I had friends over all the time & had sleep overs at their houses. I was voted class clown for our senior personalities. I can say I have many memories that I cherish, and some that haunt me. It’s a good mix of both. But I think that pretty much applies to everyone.  

As a kid, I did have my fair share of stressors. I was bullied consistently from the time I started kindergarten until high school. I was also molested as a child by a neighbor kid who was older than my brother & I. The bullying started to slow down when I lost a bunch of weight by my junior year, I had become addicted to working out. I joined the track & cross country team even though I was slower than a turtle. I just liked the way running made me feel afterward.  

The first drug I ever came to enjoy was valium. There was a lot of fighting & things going on at home during high school, and there was one night things got physical. After that I started having a lot of trouble sleeping and having more anxiety than usual. So around 15 years old I was introduced to valium by a family member. At 16 I smoked weed for the first time but wasn’t getting high regularly until I was about 17. By 17 I was stealing the valium from said family member & getting drunk every weekend with a group of guy friends, and I would usually bring a girl friend along with me.  

I started blacking out and getting ridiculously drunk every time I drank, so they slowly stopped hanging out with me because I couldn’t handle my alcohol. The summer after senior year my parents separated for about 6 months, and I didn’t hang out with many people that summer. I just worked. Our school lost one of our classmates to a car accident my senior year, and this caused a good friend of mine to distance herself from me for awhile, as she couldn’t help me with my problems and deal with her grief at the same time.  

That fall she messaged me and wanted to start hanging out again. We’re going to call her A. We started hanging out all the time, at least 2-3 times a week. She reintroduced me to benzos, and I fell in love with xanax. I started seeking it from doctors, and managed to get a small script for .25’s from my family doctor. After he left his practice, I was referred to a psychiatrist. There I managed to get a prescription for .5mg klonopin, 2x daily. Needless to say they were abused, and I continued to look for more pills on the street. Other drugs started coming into the picture along with more alcohol. LSD, mdma, eventually painkillers, cocaine, and eventually meth later down the road.  

At one point, A and I were hanging out almost every day. We developed a codependent friendship.  We needed each other to boost each others’ egos, to trade and get drugs from, and to cosign each others’ bullshit. Whatever connection we had at one point was replaced by our love for drugs & partying.  

21-22 began the height of my addiction. I was drinking almost every night, and committing unspeakable acts while under the influence. Every one of my friends started to notice and slowly slip away, and they continued to get replaced by even worse friends. I was slipping into a dark place and to be honest, I enjoyed it at the time. It’s like I wanted to see how far I could go, how far I could push it until the inevitable happened. Death. I used to always say I would die by the time I was 27, my future looked bleak.  

Around the age of 22 I met somebody that we’ll refer to as C. We hit it off as friends and he quickly became my dealer. After a couple months, I felt like I kind of loved the guy, and he knew it. He started saying how he wanted to get clean, and went cold turkey off of xanax. He never actually totally quit. But, it inspired me to wanna get clean too. I believe he knew this as well, and that it was his goal. He knew how bad I was getting. So I started weaning myself off of klonopin, and stopped buying xanax on the street. I didn’t realize you were supposed to taper off slowly, that it can take over a year and some replacement medication to safely get off of benzos. I didn’t tell my doctor what I was doing because I wanted to still get the prescription so I could sell it. And then the horror began..  

After maybe two months of weaning myself off a 5(?) year bender, I went into withdrawal. I didn’t sleep for almost two weeks, and my body started shutting down. I had hallucinations, irritability, restlessness, depressive episodes, decreased appetite, you name it. The one day it was so bad & my mom didn’t know what to do, so she called for an ambulance. Not only was an ambulance sent, but a couple of police came too. One of them I knew from highschool. Something about seeing a familiar face and his calm demeanor talked some sense into me and I agreed to go to the hospital. I can forever thank him for coming that day, although it’s a bit embarassing. But I'm sure that wasn’t the only time he’s seen something like that.  I just never saw that scenario coming.  

That was my first detox. I relapsed time after time again. I wanted to get clean but I was always doing it for the wrong reasons. I wanted a different job, I wanted this guy to like me, basically any reason except for actually doing it for myself. It wasn’t until 2022 that I realized I was very lucky to have made it past 27, and I was going on 30. I knew if I carried my old habits into my 30s I was going to seriously hate myself for it. So in april of 2022 I made the decision to put the dope down once again.  

This only lasted maybe a little over a month. My jeep broke down, and I got insanely bored being at home with nothing to do. So I started smoking weed again. That was the only thing I did for awhile, and then the boredom continued. At the end of 2021 and beginning of 2022 I had been on a cocaine binge, and I was starting to miss it. So I ended up reconnecting with my old friend J. I asked her if she had any one night in august, and she said no but she had something a little stronger. All I could think was, oh boy. Here we go..

I tried meth one time when I was about 26, didn’t really care for it. But something about it the second time around really did something for me. It reminded me of adderall x20. Needless to say I couldn’t sleep that night, and I had stuff to do the next day. So I came back to her house the next morning to get some more. Eventually I found myself needing some kind of speed all the time. If I didn’t have meth, I had adderall. If I didn’t have adderall or meth, I had cocaine. Then I needed something to kind of level me out, so you’ll never guess what I got into next. Yep, you guessed it, xanax. It was a horrible combination and sent my mental health down the gutter. What happened next sent it even further down the drain.  

One night my friend B invited me over to drink with her and her new boyfriend and his brother. Everything was cool at first, and then when me & JJ (the brother) were alone outside for a minute, he decides to go in for a kiss. Worst kisser in the world first of all. And second of all I told him I was talking to somebody at the time and didn’t wanna go any further. He did not care. Especially after I made the mistake of selling him a xanax bar.  

I knew I was too drunk to leave, and if I stayed he was gonna wanna sleep with me. I felt backed into a corner. So he talked me into staying, and said we didn’t have to do anything. But, naturally, when we went back to his room, he ripped my clothes off and I kept telling him no and that I wanted to stop. At one point when he was on top of me I tried to push him off by his shoulders and he locked himself in place. I felt disgusting. I impatiently waited for it to be light enough outside & for me to be sober enough to drive home, and when I did I realized my clothes had been soaked by his beer. So I wore his clothes that didn’t even fit me home, and immediately hopped in the shower to wash off last nights filth, completely forgetting that rape kits existed. I wasn’t going to say anything about it at first but then I decided you know what, fuck it. But none of my friends cared or believed me. I tried to file a police report but not much came of it seeing as though I couldn’t go get a rape kit done.  

So JJ’s now mad at me for opening my mouth about that, and then J decides she’s gonna try to rip me off on this pair of boots that she got for free. They were worth 25$ and she was trying to charge me 40 at first and then 50. I was already upset and not in a good state of mind from the drugs so I got pissed at her. I put a bunch of random chemicals in the boots and threw them in her ex’s driveway where she was moving out of at the time while it was raining.  

Then come to find out B was talking shit about me at the party we had at K’s house the weekend before. She was telling everybody that I was doing meth, none of anyones business. I started losing it at this point. I lost my job, I was raped, there was drama, I got sick right before we were leaving for florida for the week of thanksgiving. I had been talking about the trip for weeks, so my friends knew when we were going to be gone.  

So the day after thanksgiving, we get a phone call from my sister saying our house had been ransacked. A ton of my parents’ property was missing and my jeep was gone from the garage. This was when I officially hit rock bottom. I knew something needed to change, and my mom suggested I look into rehab.

A few days later we got a call saying my jeep was found behind walmart, but the catalytic converter was missing. So considering we couldn’t afford to get it fixed and make the payments while I was in rehab, we had to let it get repoed. The cherry on top of it all.  

My parents didn’t have cameras or a security system at the time (you can bet they do now), so it was basically our word against theirs. However, there was an empty bottle of budweiser left in my jeep on the driver side door that wasn’t mine. They sent it to the lab for dna, and it came back with J’s dna on it. I could have told you she was involved. They’re still working on gathering enough evidence to indict her on the charge though. Since then she’s caught another burglary and breaking and entering charge, on top of multiple felonies and misdemeanors, and I honestly hope the judge throws the book at her.  A bunch of petty drama does not justify breaking into my childhood home and robbing my parents and I blind. But in hindsight, this was the beginning of my journey for me. The start of an awakening.  

I prayed for years for God to take my addiction from me, but I never really put in the effort. I was ready to make the change this time. So I found a rehab about an hour away from home, and stayed for 2 ½ months. After I was discharged I lived with my sponsor for a few days, and then got a call that there was a room available at a sober living facility nearby, still about an hour away from home. I was ecstatic. I have been getting all the help I need, from counseling and group therapy to figuring out a job and budget, and getting help with getting some things on my record expunged/reduced. I couldn’t be more thankful for the staff at the rehab I stayed at and where I am now, and for all the friends I've made along the way.  

I’ve changed and grown so much in such a short period of time, it’s amazing. All I had to do was take those steps, and then the blessings just kept falling in my lap. I am so grateful for everyday that I wake up and for each new opportunity that arises, so grateful my parents have been so supportive along with most of my extended family. There are those that have lost faith in me and honestly it does hurt, but I don’t respond to the hurt the way I used to. I didn’t realize how much the drugs had stunted my emotional maturity. Looking at the difference of who I was 4 months ago to now is enough to keep me going, because it’s only going to keep getting better.  

God is replacing all the things that the enemy stole from me. It brings me to tears.  

There was one morning, about a year or so ago when I was praying to get better & not knowing where I stood with God because of my addiction, when I was waking up, still half asleep, and I heard a soft voice coming from within me. I heard something in my conscience say, “you are mine, your name is Testimony. You are MINE, your name is Testimony. YOU ARE MINE, your name is TESTIMONY.” I woke up and stared blankly out at the sun beaming in through my window. Perplexed. Exactly 7 days later, my uncle who baptized me when I was 9 sent me a bracelet with a Bible verse on it from the book of Isaiah, saying “i have called you by name, you are mine.” and that’s when I knew that what I heard that morning wasn’t just me, I wasn’t crazy.  

It’s all coming to fruition, His promises and words spoken to me. It’s unbelievable. And all I had to do was start doing the next right thing. I had the key to my cure this entire time, I just had to unlock the door.  

[candiedspit]

Therapist cancelled but had a great appointment with my psychiatrist he was really vibing with hypomanic Jasmine I made him laugh which not kidding I’ve never done before & we talked about delving into an add diagnosis when I’m more stable ….he said concerta is not out of the question & I secured klonopin for sleep fuck yes