#kisuke and tessai

[plutos-planett]

Family Portrait :)

[crazy-dark-rainbow]

Tessai: Do you accept constructive criticism?

Urahara: I only accept cash or card.

[tossawary]

I was rewatching some episodes of Bleach a few months back and I still have a fondness for it. It's one of the first animes I ever watched at all, though I never got very far past that first big Soul Society arc; I used to watch episodes on TV as a kid with my family and I saw cool Bleach cosplays and other stuff frequently at anime conventions. I have a general idea of what happens later thanks to some fanfiction and other forms of Fandom Osmosis.

And I realized while listening to the episodes play in the background that I had... no idea where Urahara's kids came from??? Why are there two children just living with the former Soul Society captains??? I'd never gotten that far (if it was revealed in the main manga or anime at all) and had never come across the information in fanworks or on the few wiki pages that I'd browsed. So, I looked it up on a wiki, and it turns out that Ururu and Jinta are artificial souls like Nemu (this is revealed in one of the novels). Which made sense! I'd been expecting something like that or adoption of random spirit-sensitive humans (this was my guess) or whatever.

But it does make me wonder HOW something like that happened... and also WHY? It's very funny to me that someone in the Urahara-Yoruichi-Tessai throuple (non-canon to my knowledge, unfortunately) apparently decided that they wanted kids (with superpowers, of course) and Urahara just... made some. (Or Urahara was just experimenting and then decided to raise his mad science experiments properly. Maybe it was a "I can do ANYTHING better than that fucker Kurotsutchi and I'll fucking prove it" kind of thing.) Ururu and Jinta are Ichigo's younger sisters' age (uh, maybe, hard to know with artificial souls), so it kind of looks like this mad scientist babymaking went down after Ichigo was born.

My mind keeps going back to that "Text your partner: 'I want a baby'" meme from several years ago as a fic idea.

Tessai: I want a baby.

Kisuke: we already have the cat

Yoruichi: I'm baby

Yoruichi: fuck kisuke beat me to it

Yoruichi: kisuke this is your fault I told you not to let him hold ichigo

Tessai: He's very cute.

Tessai: I want one.

Yoruichi: where are you gonna get one? I'm not doing it

Kisuke: we are also exiled criminals, that feels pertinent to mention here as a consideration when family planning

Tessai: :(

Yoruichi: I mean we've done stupider shit

Yoruichi: still not doing it

Tessai: :'(

Kisuke: wait, don't ask another guy, I'll do it

Kisuke: give me a week

Kisuke: what color?

[incorrctbleach]

Tessai, after hearing a loud noise, turning to look at Urahara: Did that come from your lab? Urahara: No! No no no no no. No, there's definitely nothing wrong with my inventions because they for sure don't explode for no reason sometimes.

[iamumbra195]

random bleach time travel inccorect quotes from an AU I will probably never write (Ichigo becomes soul king post tybw cause yhwach body doesn’t hold up and then time travels to the Turn back the pendulm era for reasons I’m too lazy to explain)

Ichigo joined Squad 6 under Ginrei Kuchiki in this AU

...

Ichigo: *likes sitting in the sun, hates the rain, touch starved but still prickly enough to pretend he doesn’t like it ‘cause he was soul king for three years and barely had any proper human contact for all that time, has weird eyes and other weird traits from his hollow*

Hiyori + Kaien: *spying on him*

Ichigo: *straight hissed at someone who got to close when he was injured*

Hiyori: *ticks something else off on the list of reasons why Ichigo might be a cat in human form*

Yoruichi, the real cat shapeshifter:

...

Love: Isn’t it weird that we pay money to see other people?

Ichigo: Plane tickets?

Shinji: Concert tickets?

Lisa: Prostitution?

Love, holding holding his broken sunglasses: Glasses.

...

Hollowified!Shinji: *Screams*

Hollowified!Hiyori: *Screams louder to assert dominance*

Kisuke, concerned: Should we do something?!

Ichigo, observing: *thinking back to his hollow training and how much the Visored fucked with him for fun*

Ichigo: Nah, I want to see who wins this.

...

Kensei: Dammit, Mashiro!

Mashiro: What?! It wasn’t me!

Kensei: Sorry, force of habit. Dammit, Shinji!

Shinji: Not me either.

Kensei: Oh...Then who destroyed the entire training ground?

Ichigo + Kaien who thought it would be fun to spar but went a little too far: 

...

Ichigo: *Gently taps table*

Kaien: *Taps back*

Hiyori: What are they doing?

Kisuke: Morse code.

Ichigo: *Aggressively taps table*

Kaien: *Slams hands down* YOU TAKE THAT BACK-

...

*Lieutenants on a mission*

Kaien: I think we're missing something.

Lisa: Teamwork?

Hiyori: Cohesion?

Ichigo: A general sense of what the fuck we’re doing?

Kaien: ... Where’s Mashiro?

Mashiro: *fighting a bear in a forest three districts away*

Lisa:

Hiyori:

Ichigo: ... Fuck

Kensei: *in Squad 9 barracks* I  S E N S E  A  D I S T U R B A N C E

...

Shinji: Tonight, one of you has betrayed us.

Kisuke: Is it me?

Shinji: No, it’s not you.

Tessai: Is it me?

Shinji: It’s not you either.

Aizen: Is it me, Captain?

Shinji, dying because of Hollowification:

Shinji, mockingly: Is IT mE CaPTaIN?

...

Kyouraku: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Kisuke: I’ve been dissociating for the past two and a half hours.

Ukitake: I got distracted about halfway through.

Lisa: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

...

Ichigo: Can I be frank with you guys?

Kaien: *confused* Sure, but I don’t see how changing your name is gonna help.

Mashiro: Can I still be Mashiro?

Shinji: Shh, let Frank speak.

Ichigo: 

Ichigo: *lunges at Shinji*

...

Ichigo: *trying not to laugh* Tell Kensei about the birds and the bees.

Mashiro: *serious* They're disappearing at an alarming rate

...

Yoruichi: Soifon, keep an eye on Kisuke today. He’s going to say something to the wrong person and get punched.

Soifon: Sure, I’d love to see Urahara get punched.

Yoruichi: Try again.

Soifon, sighing: I will stop Urahara from getting punched

...

*The Visored+ Hollowified!Kaien is getting into a car*

Ichigo: *the only one who know how to drive* I’m driving

Mashiro, out of view: Shotgun!

Kaien, turning to face Mashiro: Aww! But you had it on the way here-

Everyone except Mashiro: WOAH-

Mashiro, holding a shotgun: No! I found a shotgun! And I want the front seat! *Pumps gun*

...

Lisa: In your opinion, what’s the height of stupidity?

Hiyori: *turning to Shinji* How tall are you?

...

Kaien: 

Ichigo:

Kaien: In my defense--

Ichigo: You have no defense you let Byakuya meet Gin

Kaien: but--

Ichigo: Byakuya. The same cocky shit that tries to fight anything that moves fast enough. And Gin. The creepy shit that thought it was a good idea to work with megalomaniac rather than talk to people

Kaien: You don’t have any room to talk about bad communication but in hindsight it wasn’t my greatest idea--

Ichigo: understatement of the century

Kaien: But I was bored and you have to admit it was a little funny

Ichigo: 

Ichigo: *covering his face because the sight of baby Byakuya getting punted into the Kuchiki Koi pond by baby Gin was actually hilarious but he refuses to admit it* I hate you

...

Kensei: I sometimes drink milk straight out of the container

Mashiro: the COW?

Kensei:

...

Kisuke: You have to apologize to Shinji

Hiyori: Fine.

Hiyori: 'Unfuck you' or whatever.

...

Kaien: I told Ichigo his ears turn red when he lies

Mashiro: Why?

Kaien: So I can do this

Kaien: Hey, Ichigo! Do you love us?

Ichigo, covering his ears: No.

Mashiro: Aw, Berry-tan

Ichigo: Shut up, seaweed brain!

...

*Shinji and Kisuke sitting in jail together*

Shinji: So who should we call?

Kisuke: I’d call Hiyori, but I feel safer in jail

...

Shinji: Hey, how old are you?

Ichigo: Twenty-four--

Ichigo *remembers that the soul society doesn’t have the same age system*

Ichigo: two hundered

Shinji: 

Shinji, concerned: did you just say--

Ichigo, nervously: TWO HUNDRED

...

Shinji: What do you think Ichigo will do for a distraction?

Kaien: He’ll probably, like, make a noise or throw a rock. That’s what I would do.

*several building explode due to Getsuga Tensho*

Kaien: ... or he could do that.

...

Kisuke: I know you’re a time traveler, Kurosaki-san

Ichigo: (Play dumb!)

Ichigo: Who's Kurosaki?

Ichigo: (NOT THAT DUMB!!!)

...

Love: What's a word thats a mix between 'sad' and 'mad'?

Kensei: Disgruntled, miserable, desolated-

Mashiro: Smad

Kaien: Ichigo

Ichigo:...

...

Shinji: Who thinks I can fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Kensei: You’re a hazard to society

Hiyori: And a coward. DO TWENTY.

...

Ichigo, babysitting: Violence isn't the answer.

Byakuya: You’re right.

Ichigo: *sighs in relief*

Byakuya, reaching for a brick: Violence is the question.

Ichigo: What?

Byakuya, running to hit Gin on the head with a brick: And the answer is yes.

Ichigo, running after him: NO-

Ginrei, watching the chaos while drinking tea: ... Today’s a beautiful day

...

Kisuke: *Accidentally hits Hiyori in the face*

Kisuke: *Trying to decide between saying 'I’m fucking sorry' and 'Are you okay'*

Kisuke: ARE YOU FUCKING SORRY?!

Hiyori, confused: What’s wrong with you?!

Shinji: *wheezing in the background*

...

Ichigo: Can you please be serious for five minutes?

Mashiro: My record is four, but I think I can do it.

...

Kaien: Do you think different paints have different tastes?

Mashiro: They do.

Ichigo: ... Why did you say that with such certainty?

...

Shinji: I was born for politics. I have great hair and I love lying.

...

Kisuke: I’d like to offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals.

...

Kaien: Treat spiders the way you want to be treated.

Ichigo: Killed without hesitation.

Kaien: No.

...

Kisuke: *Kicks the door down looking panicked*

Ichigo: What did you do?

Kisuke: Nobody died.

Ichigo: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT?!

...

Kaien, euphoric from his date with Miyako: Date someone who will drag you outside at 3am to look at the stars.

Kukaku: If anyone, and I mean anyone, wakes me up at 3am to go look at the damn sky they will be removed indefinitely from my life.

...

Aizen, trying to be friends with Ichigo b4 he died: I made tea.

Ichigo: I don’t want tea.

Aizen: I did not make tea for you. This is my tea.

Ichigo: Then why are you telling me?

Aizen: It is a conversation starter.

Ichigo: That’s a lousy conversation starter.

Aizen: Oh, is it? We are conversing. Checkmate.

Ichigo:

Ichigo: *two seconds away from a homicide

...

Mashiro: what is it called when you kill your friend

Ichigo: Amicicide

Kensei: Murder

Mashiro: Homiecide

...

Ichigo: *looks like Kaien and Isshin*

Kaien: *suspicious but has no proof*

Ichigo, lying becuase he doesn’t want to deal with the emotions that come with seeing Isshin again: I’m not a Shiba

Ichigo: *uses Getsuga Tensho*

Kaien, throwing a table: oKAY, I CALL BULLSHIT

...

Ichigo: *having a chill day in Rukongai by himslef

baby Rukia, Renji, and their gang: *chased by a merchant they stole from*

Ichigo: 

Ichigo: *adopts them*

...

Okay, that’s more than enough for one post

Yes, Kaien is hollowfied here because I want him to be, yes, I really like adding animalistic traits to characters I love don’t ask me why

This is so much longer than I planned but it was too fun to stop

[stormsthatrage]

The origins of Kill-the-Hat, as a game:

Kisuke needed, for his own sanity, to make sure that the kids under his care had the skills to survive a worst-case scenario. But he really didn't want to traumatize said kids by putting them through overt onmitsukido training. Hence: Kill-the-Hat.

Kill-the-Hat requires stealth, speed, strategy, and combat ability. It's perfect for both teaching the kids the skills they'll need if the worst happens and also making them laugh.

Watching the game scratches the paranoid-parent itch that Tessai and Yoruichi also suffer from, so they encourage it by making fun of Kisuke's style, calling the hat an eyesore at every opportunity, and rewarding the kids whenever they get close to demolishing the monstrosity.

(Kisuke would never admit it when the kids are around, but he agrees the hat isn't exactly the height of fashion. It's why he chose it, of course.)

[the-sage-libriomancer]

i feel like the fact that Isshin probably spent several months learning how to be a living person post-EBTR is severely overlooked by the fandom. this man was born and raised in Soul Society, a place that is heavily modeled after feudal Japan (except worse) and also notoriously behind the times, and his only experience in the living world is as an invisible, intangible ghost. he has no fucking clue how to function as a living breathing human being in 1980s Japan. and the main people teaching him basic social skills is a mad genius with a perchance for humiliating people, an unhinged cat lady who doesn't think there's anything wrong with running around butt naked, and a persnickety househusband.

like. imagine the comedy potential.

[bleachtitlepages]

[turnbackthependulum]

Kisuke: *sees Ichigo and Orihime together*

Kisuke: Aaaa~ They're so cute! I would absolutely put them on a boat~

Tessai:

Jinta:

Ururu:

Jinta: You mean... you ship them?

Kisuke: Is that what they call it?

Jinta: *nods head*

Kisuke: Then yes! I SHIP them!

Jinta, Ururu & Tessai, in unison: Totally!

[uraharashouten]

From Klub Outside:

2023.08.28

Q507. 仮面の軍勢は以前どうやって生計を立てていたのでしょうか？また、現在ひよ里はバイトをしていますがラブとハッチは働いていますか？ A507. ハッチはテッサイと協力して尸魂界で使う鬼道グッズの開発。ラブは古着屋でバイトしてます。

Q507. How did the Visored make a living before? Also, Hiyori is currently working part-time, but are Love and Hachi working? A507. Hachi collaborates with Tessai to develop Kido goods for use in Soul Society. Love works part-time at a secondhand clothing store.

I love that Tessai and Hachi are working together again!

"Ya put the whachamacallit too far to the left," Hiyori critiqued flatly.

"Oh dear... " Hachi fretted. "Do you think it needs a bit of redesign?"

"It is a left-handed smoke shifter," Tessai responded dryly. "Apologies to your aesthetic sense, Hiyori-dono, but is located precisely where it is meant to be."

".......and all this time," mused Kisuke, scratching his chin, "I thought I was just making that up..."

"With respect, Tenchō, it exists. And is surprisingly effective in battle."

[electronicwitchcollection]

This photo will never not make me laugh

the more I look at it, the funnier it gets

Tessai’s arms 😂 you know the boy is running with his knees up to his chest his hair sticking up like that

Uraharas mouth, 😂 his crossed eyes, disheveled hair. It’s just perfect 😍😂

[itslouisan]

Since I'm going on beach vacation:

Under the cut for shōten crew beach hc!!

• Urahara definitely has sensitive skin, 15 minutes in on the sun and he's red, crying and wanting to go home, plus pouting and throwing a scene about how he hates the beach, the others have to calm him down and stop his drama king ass with food he likes

• Yoruichi LOVES beach volleyball, my girl would bring professional level stuff and drag EVERYONE to play with her, so what if you're weaker and she could kill you? It's FUN! Also she rubs her victory at everyone and is a sore loser in case she loses even if slightly

• Ururu likes to look for sea shells, she brings them to Kisuke which tells her facts about it, she has a tiny notebook with what he says and pictures of the shells

• Tessai LOVES to dive and swim in the sea, also probably be a fan of surfing, he swims till the deep parts with Jinta on his back and they explore together anything they find and play in the water

• Tessai and Yoruichi can EASILY get a beautiful and perfect tan, Kisuke gets jealous and sulks in the corner while he needs to apply a ton of lotion and body creams to help ease his burning everywhere despite using UV shirts, sunscreen, hat and everything to protect himself from the sun, AND if you dare comment on him being white as a ghost during a beach trip, he'll stare at you and throw a show about how it's unfair that Tessai and Yoruichi get all good genes and tans while he burns and gets alone in pain of the sun

• Okay which drinks I think everyone would enjoy drinking:

Urahara: he'd be into a Brazilian drink called "caipirinha" it's a drink made out of "cachaça", ice, sugar and the fruit , normally lime. I think he'd like these because they are super sweet yet full of flavor, cold and refreshing and 2 drinks in and you can be drunk, plus I think he'd like the lime flavor but would be curious for other fruits like red berries or pineapple or watermelon

Ururu: Ramune, I think Ururu would like to drink it since it's convenient, pretty, refreshing and she'd have fun opening it, though I think Jinta would break the bottle to get the glass peeble out and mock her with it '-'

Tessai: he'd be into coconut water, it's sweet, refreshing, big, the only downside is that it would be expensive in Japan considering the price of fruit there

Yoruichi: calpis soda edition, I view that Yoruichi doesn't like drinking and has a low alcohol tolerance, so in a beach trip she'd enjoy a yogurt, milk based drink, simple, nice and doesn't leave her drunk

Jinta: watermelon juice, and he'd like it WITH SEEDS.

• Jinta likes to play with water balloons to scare everyone off their area, Kisuke has to ground him later because angry parents came

• Kisuke lives under the AC and if it breaks he'll make hell on earth till Tessai fixes it

• Kisuke has to take at least 5 books and 30 sudoku magazines extra difficult, he finishes the sudoku in 10 minutes and the books in 5 hours, whines asking to go home and Yoruichi has to calm him down with kisses or a cat nap (her in kitty form in his lap for a hour)

• They take pictures to add to a family vacation album

• After burnt in the first hour, Kisuke gets called the "Lobster King" and gets salty

• Ururu is a big fan of fruit salad for the beach vacation, her normal mix is Yakut, strawberry, apple, pineapple, green and purple grapes, yogurt, honey and bananas

• Sunset beach walk in group go brrrrr

• Ururu and Urahara making flower crowns for everyone

• Jinta and Tessai building sand castles

• Kitty Yoruichi exploring the beach and picking random items

• Urahara and Yoruichi definitely enjoy having some private time alone while everyone is out when the sun is setting, I'm talking cocktails, acoustic beach music, watching the sea and enjoying each other's company

[ramblingkat]

Chapters: 8/9 Fandom: Bleach (Anime & Manga) Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply Relationships: Kurosaki Ichigo/Urahara Kisuke Characters: Kurosaki Ichigo, Urahara Kisuke, Tsukabishi Tessai, Sado "Chad" Yasutora, Inoue Orihime, Ishida Uryuu, Kuchiki Rukia, Hirako Shinji, Arisawa Tatsuki, Abarai Renji, Kuchiki Byakuya, Aizen Sousuke, Ulquiorra Cifer, Grimmjow Jaegerjaques Additional Tags: Howl's Moving Castle inspired au, Loosely based off HMC book, a dash of the movie, Fire Demon Ichigo, Wizard KIsuke, Dense but pretty, No Howl's Moving Characters appear, Just stealing a lot from the world, Blame the UraIchi Discord, Blame the Rat Pit Summary:

Every star would fall one day.

  Ichigo knew this. He had known it long before the day he fell from the sky in front of a curious young man. Knowing didn’t change the fear when he began to drop towards the world.

  Ichigo hadn’t been ready to die, because one never really was. But, as a star falling from the sky, he was going to die. It was simply how the world worked.

  The fact that his distress had been so easy to read to a complete stranger was embarrassing later but, at the time, it didn’t matter.

  So when the man caught him and then offered Ichigo his heart so that Ichigo could live, what choice was there? How could Ichigo say no to that?

  He couldn’t, and things were as simple as that.

 When Ichigo falls, he's caught by a wizard called Urahara Kisuke. Who knew a wizard's life was so complicated?

This chapter: Face to face with the Witch of the Waste

Author’s note: *cackling*

[mushi-shield]

[incorrctbleach]

Urahara: I am covered in hickies how am I supposed to be a respected scientist looking like this? Tessai: Normalize kissing other scientist with tongue.

[probablydumbfandomheadcanons]

Urahara: Where are you going?

Yoruichi: To get MYSELF a gift cause somebody didn't get me one!

Urahara: I told you I did! Its coming here on Friday!

Tessai, knowing full well that Urahara got Yoruichi an engagement ring: *eating popcorn*