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megashadowdragon · 3 years ago

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This post is a reworked and somewhat expanded tidbit from a massive writing about House Martell I posted last Friday. I think the topic—Doran's gout—is of interest even to those who have no interest in "tinfoil" of any kind. Because I think it deserves a wider airing than the one it likely got buried deep in the comment-continuations of a monster post, I decided to pull out the relevant, not-tinfoil-y stuff, goose it out a little, and post it on its own, separated from the tinfoil context.

TL;DR: Doran has "saturnine gout", caused by chronic lead poisoning from the lead sugar used to sweeten his beloved "sweet heavy strongwine". His gout and elements of his story are a riff on the story of the infamously gout-afflicted real world King Charles I of Spain AKA Holy Roman Emperor Charles V.

All About Doran's Gout

Doran has gout. Why might that be, and what is the purpose of giving him gout?

Gout was historically/colloquially believed to be caused by excessive alcohol (onlinelibrary . wiley . com/doi/pdf/10 . 1002/art . 1780080442 ) consumption. We absolutely see Doran drink and indeed show a "love" for "sweet, heavy strongwine":

[Doran] ate a bit of it, and drank a cup of the sweet, heavy strongwine that he loved. When it was empty, he filled it once again. (CotG)

Each of the Martells in general seems to like to drink in their own way, too. Thus we see Selmy tell Dany Quentyn is…

"Drinking with his knights" (DWD Dae VIII)

…and when Quent subsequently appears, his face is "flushed and ruddy". Dany assumes he's drunk on wine (just like Elder Brother):

Too much wine, the queen concluded… (ibid.)

We also see Quentyn really savor a glass of wine in the dark and pour himself another, much as Doran did, above:

Quentyn… poured himself a cup of wine and drank it in the dark. The taste was sweet solace on his tongue, so he lit a candle and poured himself another. (DWD tDT)

Oberyn swills wine like water:

"Is it Dornish wine you're drinking?" [said Oberyn.]

"From the Arbor."

Oberyn made a face. "Red water."

…

"I think I may drink some of Lord Redwyne's grape juice after all."

"As you like." Tyrion served him a cup.

The man took a sip, sloshed it about in his mouth, and swallowed. "It will serve, for the moment. I will send you up some strong Dornish wine on the morrow." He took another sip. (SOS Ty IX)

Tyrion found Prince Oberyn drinking a cup of red wine as he donned his armor. He was attended by four of his younger Dornish lordlings. "Good morrow to you, my lord," the prince said. "Will you take a cup of wine?"

"Should you be drinking before battle?"

"I always drink before battle." (SOS Ty X)

Arianne likewise really enjoys her wine:

When [Arianne] required more wine, Timoth would fetch it. (FFC PitT)

When [Arianne and Tyene] were ten Arianne had stolen a flagon of wine, and the two of them had gotten drunk together. (PitT)

Cedra glanced up shyly at his name and almost spilled the wine that she was pouring [for Arianne]. (PitT)

[Arianne] drank a little wine to settle her stomach. (PitT)

She seems to prefer her wine strong and she makes fun of Arys's low tolerance for alcohol:

[Arys:] "I was drunk when I said that.

[Arianne:] "You'd had three cups of watered wine." (FFC tSK)

She also tacitly informs us that the Dornish as a whole are a drunken bunch when she says the "Drunken Dornishman" Inn was "aptly named". (TWOW Ari II)

Thus we might simply conclude that Doran has gout because he, like a typical Martell and typical Dornishman, drinks too much.

In truth, though, while booze isn't good for gout, clinically fructose is a greater villain. Thus Doran's orange-eating—

He had decided to break his fast before he went, with a blood orange and a plate of gull's eggs diced with bits of ham and fiery peppers. (CotG)

"We were eating oranges." - Doran Martell (CotG)

—is probably worse for his gout than his alcohol consumption, per se (notwithstanding the fact that vitamin C on its own may slightly lower one's risk of contracting gout in the first place). Besides all the oranges he eats, the purine-rich ham he puts in his eggs is especially bad for him, while the dates Dorne is known for (along with its fruit in general)—

A fortnight past, a trader had been butchered in the shadow city, a harmless man who'd come to Dorne for fruit and found death instead of dates. (FFC tSK)

—are a veritable fructose bomb.

Not Simply Gout, But Saturnine Gout

All that having been said, I strongly suspect that Doran's gout is not about his alcohol consumption, per se, nor even all that fruit. Rather, I suspect his gout is "saturnine gout", which is caused by lead poisoning. Lead sugar AKA "salt of Saturn" AKA lead acetate was often added to wine in and after the Middle Ages to sweeten and/or preserve it. And what kind of wine does Doran love?

sweet, heavy [like lead!] strongwine

Sounds like wine sweetened with lead sugar to me, especially given (a) lead's colloquial reputation as quintessentially "heavy" and (b) GRRM's love of wordplay.

Sure enough, the distinguishing features of saturnine gout perfectly coincide with Doran's symptoms. Unlike normal gout, which tends to afflict one or perhaps two joints only and most frequently the joint at the base of the big toe, bouts of saturnine gout "tend to occur in the knee" and "are frequently polyarticular", meaning they affect many joints at once. (www . ncbi . nlm . nih . gov/pubmed/2661030) Indeed, Doran's knees are a huge problem, and his gout is very polyarticular:

The gout had swollen and reddened his joints grotesquely; his left knee was an apple, his right a melon, and his toes had turned to dark red grapes, so ripe it seemed as though a touch would burst them. (FFC CotG)

Doran has other subtle symptoms that are consistent with lead poisoning/saturnine gout as well. Consider these descriptions of Doran:

…they found Doran Martell seated behind a cyvasse table, his gouty legs supported by a cushioned footstool. He was toying with an onyx elephant, turning it in his reddened, swollen hands. The prince looked worse than she had ever seen him. His face was pale and puffy, his joints so inflamed that it hurt her just to look at them. (FFC PitT)

Beneath the coverlet, his legs were pale, soft, ghastly. Both of his knees were red and swollen, and his toes were almost purple, twice the size they should have been. (DWD tW)

[Doran] sounded so sad, so exhausted, so weak. (FFC PitT)

When he raised his head to look at her, his dark eyes were clouded with pain. Is that the gout? Arianne wondered. (PitT)

In the shade of the orange trees, the prince sat in his chair with his gouty legs propped up before him, and heavy bags beneath his eyes . . . though whether it was grief or gout that kept him sleepless, Hotah could not say. (CotG)

The prince leaned back against his pillows and closed his eyes, but Hotah knew he did not sleep. He is in pain. (CotG)

Sometimes in the deep black hours of the morning sleep found him in his chair. (CotG)

The prince sat in his high seat beneath the Martell spear, his face pale with pain. (CotG)

Look, his hand is shaking. The Prince of Dorne is terrified. (tSK)

[Doran's] legs had been useless for three years, but there was still some strength in his hands and shoulders. (DWD tW)

Doran's generalized pain, exhaustion and weakness, his insomnia (complete with more wordplay surrounding lead's weight: he has "heavy bags under his eyes"), his hand tremors (if not feigned for Arys's benefit) and his mostly pallid complexion combined with the lividity (blood pooling/dark color/swelling) in his hands and lower body is likewise consistent with chronic lead poisoning.

Another symptom of lead poisoning is loss of appetite (whereas common gout is associated with overconsumption), and Doran certainly doesn't seem the hungry sort:

A serving man brought him a bowl of purple olives, with flatbread, cheese, and chickpea paste. He ate a bit of it, and drank a cup of the sweet, heavy strongwine that he loved.

Chronic common gout leads to the formation of "tophi"—white, chalky deposits of uric acid crystals which can break through the skin—whereas "tophi rarely develop" in cases of saturnine gout. And lo! There's no hint of tophi in the descriptions of Doran's gout symptoms.

Given the medical evidence, it's safe to say that Doran's beloved strongwine is the primary cause of his troubles. (In a certain unusual sense, then, it can be said that Doran does have a drinking problem of sorts after all. It's just not the alcohol that's causing the problem.)

The "Saturnine" Giveaway

While the medical evidence adds up, for me there's an even better, textually-coded reason to believe that Doran has saturnine gout. Remembering that saturnine gout is caused by lead poisoning, isn't it interesting that Doran's brother Oberyn is (a) a master poisoner and (b) literally called "saturnine" in juxtaposition to a reference to Doran's gout"

"My brother's health requires he remain at Sunspear." The princeling removed his helm. Beneath, his face was lined and saturnine, with thin arched brows above large eyes as black and shiny as pools of coal oil. (SOS Ty V)

Ladies and gentlemen: GRRM.

The Charles I/V Parallel

Doran's gout is clearly riffing on the story of one of real-world history's most infamous gout sufferers: Spain's King Charles I AKA Holy Roman Emperor Charles V.

Charles didn't marry until he was 25—very late in life for his era and station. Doran likewise married very late for a firstborn highborn man of Westeros: Given that Doran is 52 at the beginning of AFFC, in very early 300 AC—

Though he was but two-and-fifty, Doran Martell seemed much older. (FFC CotG)

—he was likely 25 c. 273, when he did not sail to Casterly Rock with his mother and siblings because…

…Doran was [as yet merely] betrothed to Lady Mellario of Norvos… (SOS Ty X)

Much as King Charles famously fell in love with his wife at first sight, so did Doran and Mellario fall for one another at first sight—

"I saw Volantis once, on my way to Norvos, where I first met Mellario. The bells were ringing, and the bears danced down the steps. Areo will recall the day."

"I remember," echoed Areo Hotah in his deep voice. "The bears danced and the bells rang, and the prince wore red and gold and orange. My lady asked me who it was who shone so bright."

Prince Doran smiled wanly. (FFC PitT)

—such that It Is Known that he "married for love". (DWD tDT)

Perhaps most obviously, Charles was infamously carried from place to place in a sedan chair due to the pain of his gout, just as Doran transported by litter, unable to walk or even ride.

King Charles was famous for something else, too: a famously enlarged lower jaw. And what do you know, Doran's son Quentyn "heavy jaw" that is "too square", which Doran seems to share, as Arianne says Quentyn both "looks like" and "looks too much like" Doran. (DWD Dae VII; tMM; FFC PitT; WOW Ari I)

Two Doran-Charles connections are more playful. First, Charles's love was Isabella of Portugal. Portugal is, of course, famous for the production of Port, which "coincidentally" could be described rather perfectly as a "sweet heavy strongwine" like the one Doran "loved".

Second, while Charles's wife Isabella gave birth to five children in total, two of her sons died as infants, leaving her with three children who grew to adulthood. This just so happen to prefigure what we're told about Doran's mother:

"I was the oldest," the prince said, "and yet I am the last. After Mors and Olyvar died in their cradles, I gave up hope of brothers. I was nine when Elia came, a squire in service at Salt Shore. … And a year later Oberyn arrived, squalling and kicking." (FFC CotG)

All these allusions to King/Emperor Charles are fascinating. To the extent that some people have speculated that Charles suffered from saturnine gout, much like many believe the Romans did, the parallel could even help reinforce the idea that Doran's gout is saturnine, caused by the lead sugar used to sweeten his wine.

The Point

Neat, huh? For many, parallels and references like this are simply "easter eggs", interesting little nuggets that are "cool" and little else.

Personally, I think they're an inherent part of GRRM's greater project, part of a web of references pointing to in-world truths that ASOIAF has yet to even let us know we don't know. (We are all all Jon Snows to GRRM's Ygritte, here.) The much larger writing from pieces of this writing were extracted, reworked and expanded upon here (a reworking which I have subsequently gone back and overlaid into the original) argues that House Nymeros-Martell has two major players in interesting places that readers do not yet realize are Martells. Specifically, that writing argues that Archmaester Marwyn the Mage is a Martell, and that Elder Brother of Quiet Isle, who has no name and who tells Brienne he "died" at the Trident, is in fact none other than the "late" Prince Lewyn of Dorne, who I argue is Marwyn's younger brother.

And wouldn't you know it? Marwyn has a King Charles-esque "slab of jaw", while Elder Brother has a "heavy jaw", also called a "thick square jaw". (FFC Sam V, B VI) What's more, if I'm correct that Elder Brother is a former prince of Dorne who's now retired to the monastic retreat on Quiet Isle, this sets up a huge parallel to history's most famous gout sufferer, Charles V. How so?

Charles famously abdicated all his titles and retired to a monastery, which is exactly what I argue Doran's uncle Lewyn did after the Battle of the Trident. What's more, Charles famously staged his own death and resurrection at the monastery—

…about six months before his death Charles staged his own funeral, complete with shroud and coffin, after which he "rose out of the coffin, and withdrew to his apartment, full of those awful sentiments, which such a singular solemnity was calculated to inspire." (wikipedia: Charles V, quoting a famous 19th century biography of Charles)

—which is in essence what I believe Lewyn Martell did when he was "reborn" as a monk on Quiet Isle:

"When I died in the Battle of the Trident…" - Elder Brother (FFC B VI)

"I woke here, upon the Quiet Isle. The [old] Elder Brother told me I had washed up on the tide, naked as my name day. I can only think that someone found me in the shallows, stripped me of my armor, boots, and breeches, and pushed me back out into the deeper water. The river did the rest. We are all born naked, so I suppose it was only fitting that I come into my second life the same way. I spent the next ten years in silence." - Elder Brother (FFC B VI)

#asoiaf #A Song of Ice and Fire #doran martell #asoiaf meta

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kaleidescope-writes · 5 years ago

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Heart of Audrilluria -Chapter II; Royal Welcome

Modern Fairytale AU

Prince!Tom Hiddleston x Theif!Reader

“Should we go over it once more, or are we good,” Y/N asked. After hours of going over the plan multiple times over, their flight was coming to an end. “I think we’re good,” Amelie snarked, “I mean, it’s only been an eternity of scheming, but at this point, we may as well have a written manuscript.” Y/N rolled her eyes. They’ve been discussing the plan since their plane took off, but no amount of preparation seemed like enough. They had to be a thousand percent ready to make this happen.

“I just want to make sure we didn’t miss anything, we have a hell of a lot to lose, and if things go wrong--” “If things go wrong we have safety measures and plan A through Z, including the Greek alphabet,” Amelie interrupted, “We’ll be fine! All we have to do is not get attached.” Amelie turns in her seat to look at her anxious sister, a warm, comforting smile greeting Y/N’s troubled gaze.

“We never get attached,” Y/N replied with a sigh. Amelie put a hand over hers, “And that’s why we never get caught.” Y/N looked away for a moment, her mind racing with thoughts of endless ways a slip up could occur. She’s never gotten this nervous before a job. Then again, she’s never had a job this big. So much relied on them succeeding. If one microscopic thing were to go wrong, the whole operation would come crashing down. This was going to be a hell of a trip.

A small gasp from her sister brought her attention back to their current situation. “Turn around,” Amelie instructed. Y/N did so, having to suppress her amazement. The window to the right of Y/N revealed an aerial view of the Audrillore Castle, the home of their target. Both sisters leaned in to get a closer view of the castle in front of them. Its large structure barely fit in the frame of the window. The water surrounding the building reflected its massive presence in the middle of a green field and forest. From their view in the air, they were able to see the guards standing outside the guard quarters and horses just outside their stalls.

“It really is something out of a fairytale,” Amelie said in awe. Y/N silently agreed. Seeing the castle in person only added to her anxiety. Great.

“Ladies and gentlemen, please take this moment to look to your right at the heart and soul of Audrilluria. For those in the first class, this is where you will spend the vast majority of your visit. Please be mindful that we will be landing in a few minutes. Welcome to Audrilluria.�� The pilot addressed the one thing that was extremely hard to miss. There was no turning back now. They were in the sheep fields and had to hope that the disguise covering their fangs and claws was convincing enough to hold up for two weeks straight.

An uneasy breath escaped Y/N’s lips for the millionth time. This was going to be a lot harder than her previous jobs. She braced on to the few minutes she had left before the job commenced. The last few minutes could help her ease the slightest bit of tension before the hunt began.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Finally,” Charles exclaimed, “After hours of interviews, pictures, and completely unnecessary arrangements and practice for your big day, we are done.” Thomas chuckled at his cousin’s childishness, a trait acquired by him apparently since birth. “Don’t wave the flag of victory just yet,” Thomas smirked, “We still have to greet the foreign nobility. And we have the first ball tomorrow evening. We are far from done.” Charles looked up at his cousin from his seat in one of the common room chairs, a fatigued look gracing his mature features. “You mean you have to greet the foreign nobility and you have a ball with them tomorrow evening.” Charles sat up and faced Thomas, “I, as your humble Duke and beloved cousin, have done my duty for this week. The rest is up to the king-to-be.”

Thomas laughed, approaching his cousin and putting his hand over the tired man’s shoulder. “Don’t be so sour, Charlie. If Augustus has to participate in today’s activities, being a Baron, you have to as well. As you said, you are the Duke.” Charles groaned, head dropping to his shoulders. “And my beloved cousin with whom I have had many adventures and never once questioned my alliance to.”

Charles looked up at him, “Stop. Don’t do that.” Thomas stepped away, giving him a look of feigned innocence, “Do what, my beloved cousin?” Charles stood from his chair, “Don’t try to guilt me into it. You always try to do it in times like these.” Thomas laughed turning to him once more, “And you always give in. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice--” “I’m an idiot for thinking you’d change,” Charles interrupted. “Exactly,” Thomas gave him a triumphant grin. He knew damn well how to work with his cousin. It was simple, really.

“Prince Thomas, Duke Charles,” a royal attendant interrupted them, “It is almost time. The plane is landing soon.” Thomas turned to the attendant, acknowledging his sudden presence, “Thank you, we will be there shortly.” With that, the attendant left. Thomas looked at Charles once more. “Perhaps we should get ready to greet them.”

Charles pouted, “Very well. But just know that I’m doing this out of my own free will, not because of your insistence.” He turned on his heels and walked out of the room, heading towards the castle’s main entrance to greet the nobility. “Of course,” Thomas said, rolling his eyes and following close behind him. “Your will is stronger than mine.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Y/N and Amelie entered one of the royal limousines according to their designation. The driver closed the door behind them, leaving them alone with the man waiting inside. “You must be Edmundo,” Amelie spoke up. “Yes, and you must be Amelia de Santiago, daughter of Marquess Antonio Bulevia de Santiago of Puerto Esmeralda.” Y/N shook herself out of the brief surprise trance. “Yes, that is she, and I am--” “Y/N de Santiago. I have been expecting you both for some time now.”

Edmundo silently instructed the driver to lift the divider to give them privacy while the sisters shared a bewildered look. Once it was closed, he addressed them again, less formally. “Sorry about that, we just have to keep up appearances from the very beginning to not raise suspicion.” Amelie shook her head knowingly, “It’s ok, we just weren’t expecting to hear those names so soon.” Edmundo laughed, relaxing into the seat.

“I suppose you are prepared for this?” He asked, taking a glass from the miniature bar and pouring himself some champagne. “As prepared as we can be,” Y/N responded. “As the inside man, is there anything else you can tell us so nothing will catch us by surprise?” Edmundo took a sip of his drink, letting out a sigh of relief as the liquid settled in his stomach. “Everything there is to know was in the briefing folder you both read. I have faith that nothing will catch you off guard. You two are the best in the business. Oh, and your luggage was sent directly to the guest house you will reside in by my men. No need to worry about anyone inspecting your bags.”

“So what’s the deal with the Spanish nobility backstory?” Amelie asked. The question was burning in the back of her head since they were briefed about the job. “The Spanish nobility of Puerto Esmeralda has kept a conservative alliance with the royalty of Audrilluria since its establishment. The Marquess does exist and has two daughters, but the public has no idea what they look like or what their names are. My connections have shared rumors with me that they are both married, but it’s nothing official, so it isn’t crucial to the job. The Marquess did send out a refusal to King James’s invitation, but we were able to intercept it before it arrived and replaced it with a response of our own. That was where you two came in. Given the scarce information shared about Marquess Antonio, we were able to fill in the missing details to accommodate to the two of you.”

“I guess that explains the high profile items we received to go with the job,” Y/N commented. To this, Edmundo only nodded. “Now, are you ready for the show to begin?” Amelie smiled, “Yes, but why do you ask?” Edmundo downed the rest of his drink and set the glass aside. He motioned to the window on their right. “Because we have arrived.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The limousines unloaded the members of the nobility one by one. As the passengers exited the vehicles, they were announced by a member of the royal attendance. They were greeted by Audrillurian nobility and made their way to the foot of the stairs, where King James, Queen Diana, Charles, Thomas, and his best friend Agustus stood to welcome them. One by one, the guests were led to the side and waited for the last of the guests.

“I suppose this will be a while, then,” Charles whispered to Thomas. He shifted in his place, subtly leaning toward his cousin. “Not now, Charles. Pay attention,” Thomas responded. “Oh come on, we will be reintroduced to them before the ball, I doubt--” Thomas shushed his impatient cousin. Charles sighed, shifting once more.

“If the two of you are done bickering, it would please you to know that this next vehicle is the last one,” came a remark from the left of Thomas. Agustus was always one to stop the constant bickering that occurred between the two. “Thank you, Gus,” Thomas smiled.

The last limousine approached the area where they were gathered. Y/N and Amelie stepped out. “So that’s what they look like,” Charles inquired. They walked toward the group and curtsied.

“Y/N and Amelia de Santiago, daughters of Marquess Antonio Bulevia de Santiago of Puerto Esmeralda.”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A/N: Second chapter done!! Mild disclaimer, I added a few more characters in there that are fictional. The Castle in the picture is a real place. It’s the Borrekens Castle in Belgium. It’s a beautiful castle if you wanna check it out. Anyway, thank you so much for reading, feel free to give me feedback and ask me questions!! Let me know if I missed anyone in the taglist. Have a Wonderful Day!! Also, Please excuse my less than professional photoshopping job on the airplane window picture.

Taglist is OPEN

@ladyblablabla @tvdplusriverdale @pipolaki @myraiswack @shockwavee @harringtonb-blog @cynic-spirit @little-moonbeam-666 @ochizokulevy

#marvel #tom hiddleston #tom hiddelston imagine #tom hiddelston x reader #tom hiddelson #thomas william hiddleston #thomas hiddleston #loki #loki fanfic #loki (marvel)#loki x y/n #loki x reader #loki imagine #tom hiddles #loki layfeyson x reader #marvel imagine

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lu-undy · 4 years ago

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Chapter 15 - SBT

Here it is!

"Good morning."

"We are closed, Sir - actually, how did you even get in?"

The Frenchman had entered the Queen Victoria first thing in the morning and was standing in front of a waiter in uniform.

"The door was open." He simply answered.

"I could have sworn I had it shut…"

Lucien smirked. Picking locks is not a skill one forgets easily.

"May I ask, are you looking to hire?"

"Uhm, Sir, I'm afraid we are not looking for more waiters or more people in the kitchen."

"And what about there?"

Lucien pointed at the wide stage at the back of the dining area.

"What instruments do you play?"

"The one you are using when you talk to me. I am a singer."

"Ah, let me get my manager…"

Lucien nodded and the young man disappeared. He heard loud voices, actually non, it was one loud voice. At first it was unclear and he only heard the end of it.

"Charles, disappoint us one more time and you're out! The last thing I need is people coming in and out of my restaurant as if it was a brothel! Now, where is that man?!"

There was a pause before the door through which the young waiter had disappeared blasted open.

"Good day to you, Sir." Lucien said, not impressed by the roars he heard.

"Who the hell're you to think you can sing in my establishment?!"

Lucien liked the man already. He had the full set of the rich man who got richer through a family business. He was only a few inches taller than the Frenchman but one could fit at least 3 Luciens in his clothes… His skin was paler than the Frenchman's and had turned red under his fit of anger. Lucien nonetheless remained calm.

"I think I am what you need to be able to stop shouting at your employees as if they were cows."

Lucien took a glance at the poor waiter behind his employer and the young man gave him all his support with his eyes.

"What?! How dare you?! What do you know about running a restaurant?! My business, my rules!"

The man was barking and his plump cheeks rebounded as if they were made of cream. A bulldog, that's what he reminded Lucien of.

"Of course, but don't you want to see more people pouring in day after day?"

"And you think you can achieve that? Hahahaa!"

As he burst into laughter, Lucien's eyes flashed maliciously.

"Not only do I think I can, but I will, Frank."

The plump man's laughter cut short.

"How do you know my name?!"

"I like to know who I will work with."

"Arrogant. And what's yer accent? Italian?"

"French." Lucien corrected. "But I can sing in Italian too."

"And what makes you think that you can sing here, eh?"

"I have sung in better places than this wannabe elite restaurant."

Lucien disdainfully said as he opened the button of his jacket.

"And in none of them have I ever witnessed the manager raise his voice on his employees. That just confirms my suspicions."

Frank watched, his jaw dropping. He didn't see it but most of the staff had exited the kitchen and backstage and were watching the whole scene. Lucien sat down at the nearest table. He took his cigarette case out of his breast pocket and lit one before resuming his speech.

"The reason for the failure of this establishment is none other than its head."

Frank squinted his little eager eyes.

"You bluff, you know nothing and you're not even a singer. Also, my restaurant is about to do much, much better even without you. But anyway, I don't believe you."

"You want confirmation of what I said? Fair enough, let us do that, shall we? Someone bring me a telephone. I will call a friend and you will be settled. Now, to make sure that who I will call is truly who I claim it is, I won't give you his direct number. Non, Frank, you will call the lowest secretary of the entire hierarchy tree and work your way up until you have him at the other end, d'accord?"

[Agreed?]

"Who's yer friend, Frenchie?"

Lucien sucked on his cigarette before blowing a cloud of smoke in front of him. Frank could only see his fair eyes pierce through the menthol fog.

"The man who runs the most sought after restaurant of all Paris, of course. That same place that welcomes celebrities, singers, actors, politicians, local and international leaders."

"Pffff, as if…"

"I have personally seen in the flesh more kings and presidents that you have seen on television." Lucien added. "Take it as a bet. If I am bluffing and saying nonsense, I will leave and not come back to trouble you ever again. But if it turns out that I really am close friends with the man who feeds the European and international elite in Paris, then you hire me under my conditions. What do you say?"

Frank frowned harder, trying to impress the thin Frenchman smoking nonchalantly in front of him, to no avail. Lucien's smirk remained.

"If kings, queens and leaders of all sorts came to listen to me sing, sometimes even offered me a discussion with them, can you only understand the asset that I would be for your establishment…?" Lucien said.

"Wait, hold on, why do you want to work here? If what you're saying is true, then why come in this 'wanna be elite restaurant'?"

Lucien had to think fast to find an answer to that. Lucky for him, decades of being a spy were hard to forget and so the lies came to his lips very naturally.

"Well, you just said it." He answered. "You are expecting this establishment to do better. Allow me to help in that matter and also make my name in this continent."

"So you're in for the fame, eh?" Frank asked.

"Non, that I already have. Pay attention, Frank," Lucien teased just to make him pay for the way he treated his employees. "I have sung for your Queen a few times, you know? The one with her face on your money?"

"Alright, alright, bring me a phone, I'll call that restaurant in Paris myself!" Frank concluded to cut Lucien's mocking and a waiter brought a phone to him. "What's it called?"

"Le Conquérant." Lucien answered.

[The Conqueror.]

After a few beeps, Frank was in contact with an operator. "Can I get the fanciest, most expensive restaurant of Paris on the line please? Can you confirm it's called 'Le.. uh… Conquayren'? Yeah, Paris in France, where else?! Yeah, I'll hold."

Lucien rolled his eyes at how Frank butchered the name of the restaurant. He was now used to his impressive politeness. After a minute or so, someone answered the phone.

"Yeah, hello, am I at that fancy restaurant in Paris? Yeah? I'm calling from Australia, see, I've got a man in front of me who claims he sang for you and made you earn fortunes; just running a background check on the bloke." Frank turned to Lucien. "Your name?"

"Lulu."

Frank's eyebrows jumped.

"L-Lulu?" He repeated, thinking it was all a prank now as the name sounded ridiculous. "Right, I'll pass him over."

Lucien took the telephone.

"Allô? Oui. Oui, c'est moi, Lulu."

[Hello? Yes. Yes, it's me, Lulu.]

The rest of the conversation Frank didn't really understand.

"J'ai besoin que vous assuriez ce monsieur que je suis bien ce que je prétends être."

[I need you to convince the man that I am indeed what I claim to be.]

Lucien nodded a few times. A few "oui" and "mh-hm" later, the phone passed from Lucien's hands to Frank's.

"Yeah, hello? Yeah, so, it is true?" Frank expected a no. But what he was told completely confirmed what the Frenchman had said. "Are you kiddin' me?! This bloke, in front of me, singing to kings and stuff…? He had dinner with who now?!"

Lucien smirked proudly and leaned back on his chair, his cigarette between his lips. He waited for Frank to finish the phone call and he hung up.

"So…" The Frenchman said. "When shall I meet the musicians?"

Frank let his hand sink on his face, from his brow to his chin.

"Listen here, Frenchie-"

"Lucien." Said Frenchie corrected him. "If we are to work together, you will have to learn how to respect your collaborators."

"Collaborators?!" Frank repeated. "I'm payin' you and you're working for me! How is that a collaboration? I'm your boss and that's that!"

"Tsk, tsk, tsk…." Lucien waved with his index finger, shaking his head. "Your job is to deal with the restaurant, mine, to organise shows. I hardly see where your input in my work comes."

"At the end of the month, the cheques."

"You can keep your filthy chèques to yourself. I don't need them. Now, that makes you my collaborator, non?" Lucien asked.

"Wait, are you sayin' you'd rather not me paying you?"

"I do not do this for the money, Frank."

"You're one hell of a weirdo…" Frank took a chair and sat opposite Lucien. "Say I hire y-"

Lucien raised an eyebrow.

"I mean, I collaborate with you… What's the plan?" Frank asked.

"You take care of your restaurant and leave the shows to me. I will handle everything: song choices, musicians, rehearsals, costumes. I ask of you one thing. Non, actually, two."

Frank raised an eyebrow.

"You let me hire whoever I need and I need to have a look at your menu."

The plump man's eyebrows jumped.

"You hungry or something now?"

Lucien ignored his comment, and Frank put a hand to his chin. Well, his first chin. Looking like a bulldog meant he had multiple ones…

"Let's make a deal then." Frank started.

"I am all ears." Lucien crushed his cigarette end in the ashtray.

"I get you on board for a month and I accept all your tantrums. No more, no less. If by the end of it things change, I'll keep you. Otherwise, you and your princess attitude can go back where you come from."

Lucien smirked.

"So, what d'you say?" Frank extended his hand.

The Frenchman thought fast. Making himself a name here in a month was impossible. Unless…

"Agreed." Lucien shook his partner's hand. "Now," He stood up. "I shall get to work."

"Alright."

Lucien made his way through the staff who had gathered around them and had watched the discussion like a tennis match.

"Anyone who works on or around the stage, follow me."

Like a shepherd with his sheep, they did. They ended up a minute later on stage.

"Gentlemen, you heard Frank. We need to get the show rolling hard and fast. We need this establishment to thrive!"

Lucien looked around and all he could see was tired eyes that did not have any hope or will to make the Queen Victoria any better.

"Look," Lucien changed his strategy. "My name is Lucien as you have heard, and I won't promise you glory with a snap of my fingers. The reputation I have, I built it with litres and litres of sweat, as well as endless hours of work. But gentlemen…" He turned to look at them all in the eyes, one by one.

"Like a phoenix from its ashes, we shall rise again!" He raised his hand and clenched his fist. "We have an open path and only success lies ahead! But to reach that end, I need you, you and you! Oui! I will need all of you to contribute! I need each of you to rehearse as if you were to play to your queen!"

The musicians were keenly listening and started to lean forward on their seats.

"Now! We have enough musicians, creativity and experience to make this show better than what it's ever been before. Who is the conductor?"

"Me, Sir." A man about a decade older than Lucien raised his hand.

"I will ask you all to give me a sample of what you usually do. Come on!"

The musicians took their places. The conductor stood in front of them and motioned them to start. Lucien took a seat and listened carefully. He lit up a cigarette and frowned. A waiter happened to pass by.

"Could you bring me the menu please?"

"Of course, Sir."

A second later, Lucien was reading carefully, raising his eyes to the musicians and his ears still pricked up to their efforts. Indeed, the Queen Victoria served exquisite food if one was to believe their menu… But, as Lucien raised his eyes, he saw a group of musicians who played mechanically. There was no passion, no will, no savouring the music.

"Stop it." Lucien rose to his feet. "Stop this."

The conductor signed and the musicians came to a stop.

"This is no music. This is what school boys produce when they are being forced to sing in front of their classmates. We need to change things, drastically."

"What do you propose?" The conductor asked. "We've always played like this." He raised his hands and let them flop again against his thighs.

"This is exactly the problem. And what kind of music is this? Elevator music? Music that no one ever cares about? Music that people hear but don't listen to?"

"But that's what Mr Jameson wants. He's always asked us to play to accompany the meal, not to compete with it." The conductor answered.

"Forget about him! He is the one who made you all lose your passion for music!" Lucien shouted, pointing an accusative finger in direction of the door behind which Frank disappeared. “Close your eyes.”

The group watched him curiously.

“Come on, I don’t have all day!” Lucien insisted and they did as he said.

“I want to take you back to the day you all first played, when you picked up your instrument and the sounds that came out of you spoke out loud the words that your mouth couldn’t form! What did it feel like to express yourself with a means that doesn’t care about culture, race, age, gender? Music slashes through everything, your body, your ideas, your beliefs! And it comes straight through your heart, like the arrow of an experienced hunter. And you? You! Gentlemen! You are the hunters! The hunters of those feelings, of those emotions that the poet, the writer and the painter cannot form! Non! Only you have that power! To create the waves of the air that spell the feelings that no language, no other form of art can!”

The musicians opened their eyes.

“Now you take your instruments and you play like you mean it! You play as if it were your last chance, your last moment, as if all the efforts and sacrifices in your lives led to this special moment!”

“What should we play, Lucien?” The conductor asked.

“What do you feel like at the moment? What emotion do you want to convey?” Lucien answered.

The conductor fell deep in thought for a moment and Lucien’s eyes scanned through the musicians.

“So? Tell me!” He turned to all of the musicians. "What do you want to play…? You, tell me." He asked a trumpet player.

"Uh, freedom I guess."

"Oui, freedom, you?" Lucien turned to the drummer.

"Hope."

"Very good, you?" He asked a bassist.

"Love."

Lucien's eyebrows twitched. His first reaction was surprise. Why? Because who would like to sing love? Love is the biggest empty promise that life makes. You grow up full of "find your princess and live happily ever after" only to be served "find your queen and watch her slip from your very hands". Non, love was everything but what Lucien would have sung.

"Love?" He repeated, his lips almost hurting as they uttered the word.

"Yeah, love." The bassist insisted.

Lucien looked at all the other musicians and saw so much expectations in their eyes that he couldn't afford to refuse. He couldn't! After the moderately inspirational speech he gave, he couldn't afford to extinguish that flame and lose their trust.

He frowned.

"Fine. We shall play such a piece. Your job is to find and agree on a song. I give you a few days to rehearse it and make it yours. I don't want to sing on any odd cover, non! You all will have to make this piece yours, make it resonate inside of you. Once this is done, I shall come in and we shall rehearse with my voice. Do we have a deal, gentlemen?"

"Yes."

"Yeah."

"Then get to it!" Lucien concluded before turning his back and exiting the restaurant.

On his way out, his eye caught the shadow of Frank in the corridor. He had been watching and listening, lurking. Lucien did not mind at all. On the contrary, if the plump man did learn a thing or two on how to manage a team, it wouldn't hurt.

The Frenchman walked back to his car and slid in. He waited to be out of sight from the restaurant and looked in his rear view mirror. He smiled. Being hired proved a bit chaotic, but fairly easy. Now, he had to pay a friend a visit to make sure he would hold his part of the bargain with Frank: make more and more people pour in the Queen Victoria.

#tf2 sniper #tf2 spy #sniperspy #SBT

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yespolkadotkitty · 5 years ago

Text

A Duke in the Hand - pt 1

“Something on your mind, Charles?” the King asked, moving his wooden chess piece after a few moments of thought.

The hour was late and the fire crackled in the sprawling, ornate hearth at their backs. Charles and the King often played thus, in the King’s private chambers, sometimes well into their cups, other times to avoid having to retire with the ladies and be trapped whilst they played cards and talked of sewing and the weather. Charles knew full well that ladies talked of other things; just not in the presence of men.

“My Aunt is coming to live with me,” he said at length.

Henry arched a brow. “And is this not good?”

“It’s neither here nor there. She’s rather old. Biddable I expect. It was my father’s last wish before he died that she not see out her final years alone, and now she has reached such an age that the wish must be honoured. I have the means, and the space, thanks to your Majesty, to support, her, and so.” He waved a hand. “That is that.”

The King cast his head back and laughed heartily. “You’re afraid the old woman will hinder your ability to sow your wild oats. Or worse, while away her days on some bird-brained match-making scheme, hitching you to a common country milkmaid who’ll give you a houseful of brats.”

Charles rolled his eyes. “Am I so transparent, your Majesty?”

“Yes,” Henry smirked. “But no matter. You may leave at her your manor house whilst you are here at court, and here at court you may…. Board other men’s boats unhindered.”

Although he smiled and returned the King’s uplifted glass in salute, Charles’s stomach clenched uncomfortably. He enjoyed court life, of course, the food, the dancing, the colour, the women, the music, but he had made a promise to his father, God rest the man’s soul. And Charles was not a complete reprobate, whatever other men’s…. boats might think. Leaving his maiden Aunt to while away her days alone in his manor, with only servants for company did not sit well with him. But what else to do? He could hardly play cards with her every afternoon, or discuss feminine topics.

God forbid. A man could only hear so much about varying shades of thread and the shape of clouds without wanting to chop his own head off just for silence.

He would have to hope that the elderly Clementine had a lady in waiting or other such companion to stay with her; entertain and coddle her.

“More wine.” The King topped up Charles’ goblet. “More wine, less thinking, my friend.”

Charles lifted his cup and obediently sipped. “I worry for nothing, I’m sure.”

The King drank his own wine greedily, made another chess move, a clumsy one this time. “How much trouble can one old woman be? You are the Duke of Suffolk. She’ll kowtow to you, I am sure of it.”

“Hmmm.” Charles reached for the wine again. It helped him stop thinking so much.

****

He regretted the wine later the next morning, waiting outside his manor house to recieve Aunt Clementine. The Spring day was fresh, sunny, a welcome breeze stirring the air and the cherry blossom trees that lined the path up to the home the King had so generously bestowed to him. The ride from the royal residence at dawn had relieved him of his headache but not the general feeling of malaise which came with too much wine. The king’s drink was always more potent than elsewhere in the country, it seemed; or perhaps Henry simply poured with too free a hand.

A large carriage rolled up, the horses kicking up small clouds of dust with their hooves, and Charles brushed down his doublet a little self-consciously. It had been some time since he’d seen his Aunt, and, well, no matter how lofty his position now, a boy never forgot a chastising or ear-yanking from an Aunt.

He settled his hands in front of him in the usual courtly fashion as the carriage stopped. A second carriage-

A second carriage followed the first. What the f-

The carriage halted and the clouds above parted as a footman opened the door, bathing the ground his Aunt would step out on to in sunshine. Charles refrained from rolling his eyes - Aunt Clementine had always loved a bit of drama, from his memory.

The footman helped his Aunt out. She put one frail, gloved hand into the footman’s, leaning heavily on an ornately-carved walking stick.

“Charles, my boy! Let me look at you.”

Charles obediently moved to the carriage to meet her. Her faced was lined, smaller than he recalled, but her eyes glittered, brown like hazelnuts. She pinched his cheek and he felt five years old again, caught with his jam-sticky hand in the biscuit jar.

“How you’ve grown! And this beard, mmm. Is this how they’re wearing them in court these days?”

“Yes, madam.”

“Pish. Aunt Clementine if you please. I’m nobody’s Madam. I’m far too old for that,” she guffawed.

Charles studied her and wondered if she was really as frail as her housekeeping staff had made out to him in their missive. Perhaps she had been buoyed by the thought of food and wine and a warm welcome, and a long stay in a fine manor. That must be it. “Aunt Clementine, perhaps we should get you inside, out of the wind.”

She gestured to the second carriage. “Oh yes, of course. And I have packed a light selection of my belongings.”

Glancing over, Charles made himself keep his mouth closed as a second footman began to unload trunk after trunk. What could she possibly have in there? Bricks? “Madam, I-”

“For Lord’s sake, boy, I’m dying, aren’t I? You’d stop an old woman from having her things around her in the Winter of her life?”

Her waspish tongue made him hold his own. “Of course not,” he replied stiffly.

His own household staff scurried to assist Clementine’s footmen, and as she ordered them to be careful, Charles wondered again if she actually was dying. He knew better than to question a relative so advanced in age, however. It might get him another cheek pinch. It hurt more than he wanted to admit.

“I hope it’s no trouble that I’ve brought my companion with me,” Clementine prattled on, snapping her fingers. The footman crossed again to the carriage, holding out his hand. A black glove appeared, followed by a black coat. The lady appeared to have a full figure, albeit all covered in fabric the shade of midnight, a full skirt, and a small veil, as was customary when travelling. Her eyes, green like the forest, met his, and he was momentarily spellbound by their deep emerald colour. The lacy veil hid her mouth, but he got the impression that she was smiling.

“This is Millicent, my trusted companion,” Clemetine announced. “She’ll be staying with me, and under my care.”

“Of course, Aunt.”

Millicent offered her hand silently and Charles took it, brushing his lips over her glove. “Are you in mourning, my lady?”

Her brow quirked. “I am not, my lord. But, if I were, depending on the circumstances of course, black would be preferable. To hide the stains,” she added, brightly.

Charles coughed to cover a startled laugh. What stains she could possibly be alluding to, he had no idea. She was a strange little bird. No doubt being confined with his Aunt Clementine had been hard for her. She could not be expected to have courtly manners, he would ensure he tried to remember that. “Very well. Please, come inside.”

Thanking my beta, @constip8merm8 and tagging some folk who might like this: @sweetsistergingerspice @ly--canthrope @lokimostly @henchry @dr-kayleigh-dh @flowerymoonlight @hopelessromanticspoonie @leapingoveroblivion @helenaeisenhower

#the tudors fic #the tudors #charles brandon #charles brandon fic #henry cavill fic

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belphegor1982 · 5 years ago

Text

Chapter 2 is up!

FAIRY TALES AND HOKUM

Summary: 1937: The O'Connells are required by the English Government to bring the Diamond taken from Ahm Shere from Cairo to London. Things get interesting when Jonathan bumps by chance into an old friend of his from Oxford, Tom Ferguson…

Chapter 2: Familiar Faces (on AO3 here)

“So that’s your office? I must say, I’m impressed, old boy.”

“Knock it off, Jon.”

The room was tiny and rather stuffy, and Jonathan had to wait a while before Tommy could find a spare chair, in this case a collapsible with a cloth back. The mess was indeed impressive – you couldn’t see even a little bit of desk under all the huge, dusty files lying on it and all the loose sheets. All around the desk, the path was more or less cleared, but you still had to be extra careful not to step on books and files of varying shapes and sizes. The whole floor was cluttered up by cardboard boxes, some still held shut by adhesive tape, most of them open; as Jonathan peeped into one, he saw various items wrapped in protective paper.

Despite the messy aspect, Tommy’s office gave an overall cheerful impression, helped by the sunlight pouring in through the window, high up the wall. Dust danced in the rays and didn’t seem to be willing to settle anywhere.

“Sorry for the shambles, mate,” said Tommy, rummaging through the papers on his desk and starting to tidy everything up. “They made me move in here only a week ago, I haven’t had time to clean it all up.”

“Don’t worry about that. I’ve seen worse.”

Tommy’s head shot up from the desk, glancing sheepishly at Jonathan. “Y’know, when I told your sister I was one of the chief agents… Well, I might have overstated the thing a lil’ bit.”

“No! You’re not serious, are you?”

Tommy growled at Jonathan’s smirk, and he fell silent, letting his eyes wander here and there. They finally came to rest upon the only thing that seemed tidy enough – a dozen old-looking books resting on a set of shelves.

Jonathan left his chair to get a proper look. Some of the books came directly from the British Museum, and looked as if they were borrowed from the archives – old and worn, with leather covers slightly frayed along the edges. Not to mention the dust. And they smelt like escapees from the City of the Dead.

“I say, that’s some collection you’ve got yourself here,” said Jonathan amazed as he read the date of print of a particularly shabby-looking one. “My God… Evy would go spare if she saw this.”

“I’m sure she would,” Tommy said, emerging from the layers of paper and straightening himself up. “I just love these kinds of old books, you know; there’s a feeling about them you just don’t get with more – ‘recent’ ones. Now, where’d I put that bloody –”

“Looking for something in particular?”

“Yes,” Tommy sighed as he dropped on his chair, only to jump up and remove something before sitting down. “I’m sure what little I’ve got on Hamunaptra is lying ‘round somewhere in a folder – can’t seem to find it.”

Jonathan put the book he was holding back on its shelf and looked at the desk, his hands in his pockets. “No wonder.”

“Oh, that’s gonna help for sure, Jon,” muttered Tommy. Jonathan was about to retort, when his eyes stopped on a small picture in a frame. It was a photograph of a woman, and the longer he stared at it, the more familiar the woman seemed. Finally, it clicked into place: the freckled face with a round nose and pointy chin, the mass of frizzy hair and the sweet, candid smile could only belong to one person.

“Hey! Isn’t that Elizabeth McAlester?”

An uneasy sort of smile crept up on Tommy’s lips. “Yes, that’s her – ‘cept her last name hasn’t been McAlester for some time now.”

Jonathan stared at him blankly for a full minute. Now this, of all things, was unexpected.

“You mean, she’s – you’re –”

Tommy nodded, still smiling.

“How long –?”

“That’ll make it seven years in October.”

There was a moment’s silence, during which this piece of news sank in. Elizabeth McAlester had been a cousin of a common friend, Arthur McAlester – a tall, gangly fellow with glasses constantly perched on the bridge of his long nose, rather bossy but altogether likeable. She was a year or two older than them, and went to Somerville. Jonathan and Tommy had spent their last year before the war wooing her in turn, although it was more of a game for the two boys than something really serious. None of them had really gone too far, though. They valued their reputation as gentlemen – sort of – and she was too much of a nice girl.

Thinking back on it, Jonathan realised that, had things worked out differently, Elizabeth would probably have been the only girl he could have spent some significant time with. She was smart, sweet, and funny when she wanted to. And he used to make her laugh – she had a nice laugh. But there was also the fact that she didn’t really love him.

Perhaps, if he had been a little smarter, he could have won her over. Of course, that would have also meant spending less time in pubs, gambling and drinking; that would have meant growing up, and he was simply not ready for that, especially after the armistice. Most fellows of twenty-five were not, after all, and he’d made it his business to be as carefree as he could to make up for 1917 and 1918. Problem was, he was now forty, and most of people that age were supposed to be settled. Evy was younger than him, and Rick and her had been married for eleven years now. And Tommy and Elizabeth, of all people, had been together for seven years, and he had a picture of her on his desk. Why, they must even have children.

Perhaps Jonathan should have been jealous – but he just couldn’t be. Tommy was a decent fellow, and Elizabeth was a nice girl; they deserved each other. He had had his chance, had messed up, and there was no way to get back what wasn’t anymore. Petty jealousy was simply irrelevant there.

“That’s great news, old boy,” he finally said, with a heartfelt smile. “Congratulations. Wish I could have seen you in a morning suit, though.”

Tommy beamed in return, obviously relieved, and Jonathan felt a pang of annoyance. Did Tommy really think that he was going to be mad at him for that? That was ridiculous.

“Thanks, Jon. You know, that… that means somethin’.”

Dammit. It was still impossible to be thoroughly annoyed with Thomas Ferguson. He may retain his rotten luck, but he still had that innocent look on his broad face that fooled even the most sceptical of all. Even one Jonathan Carnahan.

A somewhat awkward silence passed. Jonathan was glad to end it when he spotted a folder under his chair and bent to take it for a closer look. “Here – wasn’t that the one you were looking for?”

The file was very thick, with a hard cover, and it was held shut by an old belt. On a little bit of yellowish paper was scribbled, ‘Hamunaptra, City of the Dead – Reign of Seti the First, Dynasty XIX.’

Tommy crossed the room in two strides and all but snatched the file from Jonathan’s hands. “That’s it! That’s the one.” His old enthusiasm was back in his voice. “I haven’t looked at it in years, guess it’s been buried under a ton of other things.”

“You can keep it if you want. It’s not that urgent, Evy can wait a bit.”

“No, take it – just be sure to give it back before tonight, someone could ask for it… Though nobody’s asked for it in years, so I can’t see why someone would just now. Except for Hamilton, but even him –”

“Hamilton?”

“Charles Hamilton, my immediate superior. Odd guy, very thorough, very clean. Might be a very likeable fellow if someone took the umbrella off his arse, but that’s just my opinion… Well. Fact is, I’m not really supposed to show that file to anyone, but as it’s you and Dr O’Connell…”

Jonathan couldn’t help but chortle. Tommy looked at him curiously.

“What’re you laughin’ at?”

“Oh, nothing, really – just the whole ‘Doctor O’Connell’ business. Funny thing to hear someone speaking in so high terms about my baby sister… especially you.”

Tommy shrugged and said with a grin, “Well, get used to it. Seriously, mate, I’ve heard of her since I was offered this job at the Research Department, and that was, what – ten years ago or so. Discovering Hamunaptra wasn’t such a big deal, I bet loads of people (poor chaps!) must’ve managed that in centuries past, but –”

Jonathan, whose first sight of the ancient City had been the skeletons and dried-up corpses of previous adventurers, gave a grim smile. Yes, indeed. Loads.

“– But she, her husband and… and you actually got out. Remind me to ask you how you did it someday, ‘cause I still have trouble believing it.”

“I bet you haven’t heard half of the story,” said Jonathan as a sly smile sneaked back on his lips.

“I hope you’ll tell me some time, then. This and that weird stuff with the Scorpion King two years ago.”

Jonathan opened his mouth, quite taken aback. “How d’you know about that, for cripes’ sake?”

“We, Mr Carnahan, know everything,” Tommy said with a mock smug grin, which he then dropped to finish, sounding almost embarrassed, “Well, not quite everything, I guess. In fact there’s still some huge blanks in the story.”

“Blanks you’d like me to fill, eh?” Jonathan chuckled. “I get it, Tommy old chap. I’d tell you the whole story anytime.”

Tommy’s right eyebrow shot up. “Anytime? That would include now?”

“Didn’t you say you had work to do?”

“‘Work to do’? Man, this is what I work on! Gathering pieces of information, I mean. Can I take notes?”

“Yes, sure,” said Jonathan, a little bit dumbfounded. “All right, you’d better take a seat, because this is going to be long…”

.⅋.

“And you told him the whole story of what happened at Ahm Shere?”

“And Hamunaptra, too. He already knew the main lines, anyway.”

Evelyn shook her head. Jonathan could be a wonderful brother at times, but one of his major faults was and always had been his complete inability to keep a secret the way it should remain – secret.

“I can’t believe you did that, Jonathan.”

“Oh, come on Evy, please trust me on this one, will you? Tommy’s reliable. He’s a decent bloke.”

His blue eyes were almost pleading, and Evelyn found her anger ebbing. The only times he had proved so persuasive were when he tried to cover up for one of Alex’s most foolish stunts. Though she could never admit it, such an attitude was very endearing, in a cheeky, annoyingly efficient sort of way.

Then there was this file. She couldn’t decently stay mad at him when he had been thoughtful enough to borrow it for her from this Ferguson fellow. And to tell the truth, she was positively dying to see what it contained. She couldn’t wait to get home to open it.

“Jonathan, it’s very touching to see you standing up for a friend, but you must admit that so far, the people you have entrusted with our, ah – family secrets – haven’t proved very ‘reliable’, have they?”

“Tom is, Evy. I swear. And he works for the British Consulate, in case you’ve forgotten.”

“Oh…” Evelyn sighed, about to give in, “if only this was a guarantee of safety…”

“Just because What’s-his-name of the British Museum woke our mummy again and bollixed things up last time doesn’t mean Tommy’s not ‘safe’, old mum. Please –” and there he stopped her in her tracks and looked at her in the eye, “– believe me.”

Aw, dash it… It was still impossible to remain angry with him. She never could resist this unique mix of fake innocence, thoughtless cheekiness, and sincerity somewhere in the middle.

“All right, all right – quit pestering me, and I won’t bother you about this Mr Ferguson anymore.”

“Promise?”

“Yes, that’s a promise.”

Jonathan’s ‘persuader’ expression turned into a dangerous smile, one that his sister knew only too well. As a rule, it meant trouble was on the way.

“That’s nice, Evy, because I asked him if he wanted to see the diamond while it’s still here in Cairo –”

No exception to the rule today, it seemed. Evelyn was flabbergasted, but she said nothing… She had promised, after all.

“– And we agreed that a few minutes wouldn’t hurt, and it’s still my diamond in a way, a little – I mean, I know I sold it and everything, but I haven’t looked at it in ages and –”

Evelyn let him talk until he ran out of words and finished on a rather lame, “And, well, I – I was hoping you could intercede on my behalf, you see…”

“You don’t have to ask me,” she said in a deliberately colder voice. “You’ll have to see the curator for that. I wish you good luck convincing him.”

Jonathan’s face dropped.

“Evy, please! You’re my sister! I’ve hardly ever seen this bloke, you’re –”

“I’m far more gullible, is that what you meant to say?”

“No, it’s not – that’s – cripes, Evy, all I’m asking for is two words to the curator from you. Consider it payback for Tommy, he might’ve got into trouble lending you this secret file for the afternoon.”

The file. She’d almost forgotten it. Although Jonathan’s last sentence sounded a little like emotional blackmail, ugly as the word was, Ferguson had indeed seemed pleasant enough the day before. There was a cultured man, with a proper job – something of a change from the dubious company Jonathan usually kept – who respected and admired her work. She hadn’t heard praise such as he’d given her in quite a long time. And he trusted her enough to lend her this file.

“Well,” she said eventually, very slowly and reluctantly, “I suppose I could talk Dr Hakim into letting the two of you in the diamond’s room… Not alone, of course, and only for a few moments. I’ll see tomorrow if –”

She started when her brother kissed her on the cheek, beaming.

“Dear, sweet Evy, you’re the best sister any decent fellow would ever dream of.”

“Oh, come off it,” sighed Evelyn, who couldn’t help but smile all the same.

They found the house empty: Rick had taken Alex to the bazaar downtown. Evelyn quickly sat down on the sofa and carefully put the file on the coffee table in front of her, while Jonathan disappeared into the kitchen. She didn’t wait for him and opened the folder.

It contained mainly sheet after sheet of paper covered in tiny scrawl, and as she ran her eye over them she could tell it was a report of sorts, with dates, names, and more or less precise directions. There were newspaper cuttings, some of them quite old, and also some sepia photographs. She was leafing through them when Jonathan put a cup of tea on the table and sat beside her, a tumbler in his hands.

“So? Have you dug some stuff up already?”

“I guess so, yes… I didn’t know Lord Carnavon had worked on Hamunaptra as well…”

“Good thing he kept it quiet, one curse as cause of death is well enough – didn’t need two,” quipped Jonathan. Evelyn elbowed him and picked up another set of pictures. Her brother’s eyes widened.

“Evy, that’s – that’s us!”

He was right. Though the photographs were old, blurred, and of rather bad quality, the figures on it were unmistakable. They must have been taken shortly after Hamunaptra, because Evelyn saw some shots of Jonathan with his left arm in a sling, and several of herself and Rick, arm in arm, both their faces shining with sun and laughter. She remembered how it was, back then – the slight awkwardness between them, the happiness fluttering in her stomach each time his hand brushed against her, even by accident; it had seemed to her that she was constantly walking on a little cloud, inches above the ground, silly as this comparison may sound.

Of course, she had got down from this cloud long ago – but reality had not been as harsh as her school friends had once told her. Rick was a wonderful husband, and there was never a second of boredom between them. Even after eleven years of marriage, he still took every opportunity to seduce her. Not in the romantic, literary way, with tête-à-têtes and candlelight, but something in the way he looked at her over the table, the twinkle in his eye that was for her and her alone never failed to make her melt. And after all these years, he still managed to make her blush, too. Of course, she protested, saying that it was absolutely ridiculous for a thirty-six year old woman to blush; but he’d just laugh softly, his rich chuckle sending shivers down her spine and making her feel as if she were twenty-five again.

Jonathan often said some people were born lucky. Hers was another kind of luck – she may not have a ‘proper’ social life like acquaintances of hers in London had, but the four men of her life, namely Rick, Alex, Jonathan, and Ardeth – in a very slightly lesser extent, as she saw him fairly rarely – were the four people she loved most, and they were wonderful. Lady Maria Evans and her circle of snobby friends would never know how it felt to die and being brought back to life by her eight-year-old son and her brother. She would never know the overwhelming smell of gunpowder, the ache you get in your shoulder from the recoil, the deafening noise, how it felt to be kissed awake by a three-thousand-years old mummy – but then, had Evelyn been able to, she would have gladly skipped this part. Ew.

“I say, Evy, do you think they’ll mind if we took a couple of photos to put them into frames?”

Jonathan’s voice drew her back from the memories, and she looked at the pictures in her brother’s hands. There was another one or two of Rick and her, one of the three of them – in the streets of Cairo, by the look of it – and a full-length one of Jonathan alone, his hands in his pockets, his nose in the air, and a curious look on his face. There was something funny and rather sweet about this one which matched the involuntary subject’s general attitude: offhand, ironic, foppish, forgetful, but altogether loyal and kind. Evelyn was indeed tempted to keep it, as Jonathan had suggested.

“I agree that some of those would be worth it,” she said, smiling. “But maybe you’d better ask your friend first –”

An odd thought crossed her mind at the mention of Tom Ferguson. When she had met him the day before, he had clearly shown that he didn’t know Jonathan had been a part of the Hamunaptra expedition. But it just would have taken a look at the contents of this file to know that his former schoolmate had been involved – his full name was written in black and white, and the photographs were faithful enough. Besides, Jonathan had not changed that much over the years.

“Jonathan, I’ve just thought of something – Tom knows this file, does he? I mean, you told me he’s been working in the Department for ages, so he must have read it at some point, right?”

“I suppose so, yes. And your point is?”

“Well, perhaps I’m just being silly, but how come he didn’t know you were at Hamunaptra? Your name and your face are all over these papers, look…”

Jonathan frowned slightly, and bent to look at the sheet she held out for him. There was an account of that night so long ago in the Sultan’s Casbah that had started it all, and it was just as Rick had told her when she had asked how her sticky-fingered brother had managed to steal his puzzle box.

“Whoa, Evy… there’s a fair amount of details in there.” She saw his eyes dart from the top to the bottom of the sheet; then he exclaimed, “Oh, of course! That Casbah barman, what’s his name again… Oh yes, Musa. I bet he was the one who gave them such a precise account. Can’t believe he still held that grudge after –” he looked at the top of the sheet again “– two years. Resentful git. It was only a little fight.”

Evelyn didn’t know what made her insist, but she ignored his last remark and continued. “You see? He could hardly miss you. And yet he seemed to ignore completely your part in the trip to and from Hamunaptra. By the way, my name was Carnahan at the time, not O’Connell. I don’t understand why he looked so surprised to see that his famous Dr O’Connell and your bossy little sister were in fact one single person – it’s just not logical.”

There was a short silence, during which Jonathan seemed to ponder her words. Then he turned to face her, and to her surprise, there was something like anger in his voice when he said, “You’re really something, you know, Evy. Stubborn as a mule, I’d say. I told you Tommy was a decent fellow, I mean – you met him, he’s not some sort of conman or something!”

“I’m not saying he is, Jonathan,” Evelyn said gently; she had not expected this kind of resistance at all. “I’m merely pointing out a fact. You must admit that it does look a bit odd, doesn’t it?”

“Well, don’t point. Fact is, you can’t admit that I know someone that you don’t, who’s smart, trustworthy, who works in the same stuff as you, and who also happens to be a damn good fellow to drink with.”

Evelyn raised her eyebrows. “What exactly are you talking about?”

“Just what I’ve said. Leave him alone. I don’t understand why you’re nagging about him. Besides, Tommy adores you – you should hear the way he praises you to the skies.”

“I’m not nagging. Honestly, Jonathan, from the little I’ve seen of him, I like him well enough – he seems to be good company, a funny, cultured, clever fellow. And I’m flattered to hear that he thinks so highly of me. But rationally and logically speaking, there are some tiny details that bother me.”

She had spoken and chosen her words carefully, not wanting to start a row. She hated being at odds with her brother when he wasn’t the one who had started it – it made her feel uneasy and oddly guilty. He had been her only family for a long time, after all, and neither was likely to forget it. They shared something special.

Anger faded from the bright blue eyes, and Jonathan’s expression turned into something that looked remarkably like a pout.

“Can’t you just leave these out for me?”

Evelyn almost laughed. “I won’t say I’ll forget it, but I won’t pester you about it anymore. Just – I know I’ll sound silly again, but don’t be angry with me for that. I don’t like it at all when you are.”

This time, the usual smile was back on her brother’s face, and he sank back into the sofa, his half-empty glass still in his hands. “Ah, come on, Evy – that was silly indeed… You sounded like a kid. Don’t worry, I’m not angry with you… I’m just annoyed that the one time I haven’t done anything, and I mean anything, you still find a way to be suspicious.”

Of course, when you put it that way… Evelyn could understand Jonathan’s touchiness, and respected his faith in his friend, but still. It was only a few minor things, but the logical, scientific part of her mind was puzzled. Of course, it could just be that Tom Ferguson had a bad memory – she had never seen a folder so dusty, so she supposed he really hadn’t opened it in a long time… She’d find a way to chat about it with him some time. Casually, of course, in passing.

Maybe it was her instinct. Or maybe it was just her curiosity. That particular trait had been said many times to run in the family, and Evelyn was forced to recognise that it had proved true in many occasions.

Especially when it came to herself.

.⅋.

(I have a lot of fun writing scenes with Evy and Jonathan. I absolutely love their interaction in TM, and it was something I missed slightly when I watched TMR. When I write them I can’t help writing with my memories of TM in mind. It’s also fun to imagine Evy, having grown from the girl she is in TM into the self-assured, brilliant woman, wife, and mother, inches from running the British Museum in TMR, being childish enough to bicker with her brother. Both Carnahan siblings are big goofs in their own way, Evy just hides it better :P)

#Fairy Tales and Hokum #my stuff #fanfiction #the mummy #the mummy films

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diarrheaworldstarhiphop · 6 years ago

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Yesterday, the world watched in open-mouthed horror as Notre Dame Cathedral, an 800-year-old monument in Paris, France, burst into flames. As the Paris fire department scrambled to saved the priceless relics and artworks inside, French officials gradually started to take inventory of what had been recovered from the wreckage and what had been lost forever, with many — particularly Catholics, who had flocked to the city to celebrate Holy Week — gathering outside to sing hymns and mourn.

But while the spire of the building — which famously dates from the 19th-century restoration, not from medieval times — and much of the roof are destroyed, the iconic facade, the three large stained glass rose windows, and much of the internal structure, as well as many of the priceless artworks and relics contained within, appear to have been saved. “I have to say, it’s terrible, but it also appears it could have been much worse,” says Jeffrey Hamburger, a professor of art history at Harvard University whose research focuses on the art of the High and later Middle Ages.

The fact that the building did not collapse — a concern in the hours immediately following the blaze — serves as a “powerful testimony to the skill of medieval builders,” Hamburger says. He credits the survival of the structure to the building’s iconic rib vaulting and flying buttresses, which prevented collapse. “It’s worth remembering why they went through the trouble building it this way — it wasn’t for aesthetic reasons, it was for fire-proofing,” Hamburger says. “In a way, what we have here is proof of concept.”

In the wake of the destruction, French billionaires such as Francois-Henri Pinault (perhaps best known in the United States as the husband of Salma Hayek) and Bernard Arnault, chair of luxury goods brand LVMH, have pledged hundreds of millions of dollars toward the reconstruction of the cathedral, and Prime Minister Emmanuel Macron has issued a public statement on Twitter vowing to rebuild. Yet the damage wrought by the Notre Dame fire has also raised important questions about the cathedral’s symbolic significance in an increasingly divided France, and how to rebuild (or which version of the cathedral should be rebuilt) going forward — and in some ways, these questions are one and the same.

Over the course of the past few centuries, the cathedral has played a role in major historical events, from the coronation of kings to the crowning of Napoleon to the requiem mass of President Charles de Gaulle. And Notre Dame has served as a symbol of not just French historical identity, but Catholicism in general. “It has a double meaning,” says Jean-Robert Armogathe, a French Catholic priest and historian who served as the chaplain at Notre Dame from 1980 to 1985. “It has been the center of Catholic life and of France for 800 years.” As Armogathe points out, it is also quite literally the center of Paris: a gold star outside the cathedral marks Point Zero, the supposed center of the city.

But for some people in France, Notre Dame has also served as a deep-seated symbol of resentment, a monument to a deeply flawed institution and an idealized Christian European France that arguably never existed in the first place. “The building was so overburdened with meaning that its burning feels like an act of liberation,” says Patricio del Real, an architecture historian at Harvard University. If nothing else, the cathedral has been viewed by some as a stodgy reminder of “the old city — the embodiment of the Paris of stone and faith — just as the Eiffel Tower exemplifies the Paris of modernity, joie de vivre and change,” Michael Kimmelmann wrote for the New York Times.

Despite politicians on both sides of the French political spectrum discouraging people from trying to politicize the Notre Dame fire, it would be a mistake to view the building as little more than a Paris tourist attraction, says John Harwood, an architectural historian and associate professor at the University of Toronto. “It’s literally a political monument. All cathedrals are,” he says. For centuries, the cathedral was the seat of the bishop of the Catholic Church at a time when there was virtually no distinction between church and state. “It was the center and seat of political power not just in Paris, but in France,” he says. “And that remained the case even after the French Revolution and through successive revolutions and political power and regimes.”

Notre Dame acquired even more overtly nationalist symbolism following its renovation in the Nineteenth century by Eugène-Emmanuel Viollet-le-Duc, who is widely considered the godfather of modern historical architectural restoration. Viollet-le-Duc sought to restore the edifice’s Gothic past, a style that was largely unpopular at the time; his restoration that accounts for the western facade, the (now-destroyed) spire, as well as modifications to the choir and the additions of gothic stained glass-windows.

Viollet-le-Duc’s restoration of the church was highly controversial, and to an extent still is today. “His approach to restoration was not, ‘Let’s fix the building as it is and put it in decent structural condition,'” says Cesare Birignani, assistant professor at the Spitzer School of Architecture, City College of New York. “In fact, he acted in a much more inventive and problematic way, because he claimed to reestablish or restore the church to an image that it may never have had. [It was] his own reinvention, or his own idea of how the church may have existed at the beginning of the 13th century” — an idealized version of French history that arguably never existed in the first place. The restoration also led to the reappraisal of the Gothic style as “a kind of the ultimate symbol of French architecture,” says Birignani. Unlike Renaissance-style architecture, the Gothic style was something the French people could claim as their own, which led to it becoming “a kind of collective symbol…[or] a collective creation of the French people,” he says.

What it means to be “French,” however, has obviously changed a great deal over the past few centuries. While France is still predominantly Christian, the number of practicing Catholics has fallen year after year, from 64% in 2010 to 56% in 2012, according to one census figure. The number of Muslims in France is also growing, comprising more than 5% of the population (up from 3% in 2006) giving rise to rampant Islamophobia and the birth of far-right extremist parties like the National Front, headed by extremist Marine Le Pen. A profound income gap has also led to the explosion of protests from so-called “yellow vests,” a movement primarily made up of lower-middle-class and middle-class youth on the left who have vandalized many similarly historically significant French monuments (and whose latest actions Macron was expected to comment on in a scheduled press conference, which was postponed when Notre Dame started burning). In fact, in the hours following the fire, many started blaming the accident on the yellow vests; there was also a flurry of Islamophobic posts on social media attributing the fire to Muslim extremist terrorists, despite the fact that all evidence currently indicates that the blaze was accidental.

Despite the lip service many French people and politicians have given to the symbolic significance of Notre Dame in the hours following the fire, Birignani says that as France has changed, so too has Notre Dame lost some of its weight as a totem of national identity, and is skeptical of some of the effusive rhetoric that has been borne from the flames. Now that the world has rallied in support of the rebuilding of the cathedral, however, and donations have started pouring in from all over the world, there’s likely to be renewed interest around the cathedral as an emblem of French history and culture. For some, this is deeply concerning. “One of the things that worries me about this event is that in a country that is deeply divided right now like France is and having this assumption of [Notre Dame] serving as a bedrock institution, it creates a hole and you have to imagine what it has to become again and who does the imagining, and that is a really loaded question,” says Harwood.

Although Macron and donors like Pinault have emphasized that the cathedral should be rebuilt as close to the original as possible, some architectural historians like Brigniani believe that would be complicated, given the many stages of the cathedral’s evolution. “The question becomes, which Notre Dame are you actually rebuilding?,” he says. Harwood, too, believes that it would be a mistake to try to recreate the edifice as it once stood, as LeDuc did more than 150 years ago. Any rebuilding should be a reflection not of an old France, or the France that never was — a non-secular, white European France — but a reflection of the France of today, a France that is currently in the making. “The idea that you can recreate the building is naive. It is to repeat past errors, category errors of thought, and one has to imagine that if anything is done to the building it has to be an expression of what we want — the Catholics of France, the French people — want. What is an expression of who we are now? What does it represent, who is it for?,” he says.

Hamburger, however, dismisses this idea as “preposterous.” Now that the full extent of the damage is being reckoned with — and is less than many initially feared — he sees no reason to not try to rebuild and preserve one of the few remaining wonders of medieval architecture. “It’s not as if in rebuilding the church one is necessarily building a monument to the glorification of medieval catholicism and aristocracy. It’s simply the case that the building has witnessed the entire history of France as a modern nation,” he says. “[You] can’t just erase history. It’s there, and it has to be dealt with critically.”

#notre dame

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cherry-slushie-cosplay-blog · 5 years ago

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Freshman Year Quotes

Ok so I did a list of all the stupid shit I heard in my Freshman year of high school. Enjoy.

(T) - Teacher (AP) - Freshman Assistant Principal

FRESHMAN YEAR ----

"Any weeb brethren, see me after class I want to be friends." *class is totally silent* "*loudly* I have a seven inch penis." "I'm a farmer bitch I will throw my crops at you." "You can teach tiny cil- chilr- chilud- chiluden, wait what?" "I'm telling Jesus!" "Jesus already knows." "(T) Use your 5 sols! Haha, get it? Like soul?" "Bold of you to assume I have any at all." "HE CALLED ME THE N-WORD, HE CALLED- oh shit you're a girl my bad I'm just messing around trying to get someone in trouble. Have a nice weekend!" "Eins, zwei, drei, vier, fünf, sechs, sieben, acht...FUCK!" "How do you make an equilateral square?" "I think my back has scoliosis." "I've got a bag of chicken." "Why do you have a bag of chicken?" "Because. Why do you have a bottle with mangos on it?" "This- this is mango-flavored tea!" "AND THIS IS CHICKEN-FLAVORED BAG" "...and some condoms have spermicide which kills off the sperm. Don't ask me how I know all that, Mrs. ********." "Are you from Russian?" "Sit your ADHD-filled ass down." "If we were in hell, do you really think I would be here?" "(T) Yes." (T) "Is stupid written on your forehead?" "I don't know, is it written on yours?" "His forehead's big enough for it." "That looks like an orgy pile over there." "Why do you guys always sit behind me?" "If we want to kill you, you won't see it coming." "Is this what Julius Caesar felt like?" "You're so tiny! You look like a doll!" "And you look like a cock-riding motherfucker." " Technically, time is a construct." "Technically, none of this matters and we're all gonna die soon." "Will you two shut up please?" (T) "My 2019 has been completed, I made a student cry." (This was January 10th btw) (T) "As long as you do your best and turn that in, you'll be fine." "What if my best sucks and I get a bad grade?" "Ok that was good I'm gonna give you that." "I'm gonna put on black lipstick and go to sleep." *Aggressively singing Dream Daddy For Me* "What's that?" "A grapefruit." "Bitch that ain't a grape." "No, grapeFRUIT." "It looks like you put Kool Aid in an orange." "Dude it's called a grapefruit." "No, fuck you and your Kool Aid orange." "I ate a mouse dongle." "Why the fuck would you do that?" "I don't know, I just did." "Racism is my bitch. I bend racism over and take it from behind." "A function is an input and a function...oh wait hold on I messed up- stop laughing at me I got this." "James Charles did one of Bob Ross's tutorials on his forehead." "So he has a big forehead-" "Shut the hell up ***** no one cares." "The answer was D! D as in 'Dinosaur chicken nuggets'!" (T) "What are the first ten amendments?" "I know the ten COMMANDments." "No one cares, we're not in Christian school." "YES WE ARE HAIL MARY" (T) "Do your work or the Lord may strike you." *this was at the religious girl from the previous quote* "What time is it?" "It's fuckin uhhhhh noon o 5." "Noon o 5?" "I forgot the word twelve." "I SEE HEADLIGHTS" "Hm?" "Headlights is nipples." "If this is a test I'm gonna throw myself out the window. I was about to go to the hospital this weekend and I'm still gonna make it happen." "I won't T-Pose for dominance but I will screech and make your eardrums bleed." "Does anyone remember Llamas With Hats?" 4 people: "caAAARRLLLLL" "Pagans terrify me." "Why?" "Every pagan I know of is a furry." "sKeDaDdLe SkAdOoDlE yOuR dIcK iS nOw A nOoDlE" "NO NOT IN MATH CLASS" "Doodlebops." "shUT THE FUCK UP" "I watched that yesterday, I have it on DVD." "WHY THE FUCK DO YOU HAVE DOODLEBOPS ON DVD" (T) *random Chewbacca noise* "My brain is smaller than my dick." "If you feel stupid, you should." "What about King Solomon?" (T) "What has Solomon ever done for America?" "What have YOU ever done for America?" "Nothing should be in your mouth unless it's a banana." "What type of banana?" "A yellow one, duh." *laughter* "Or a green one, whichever you like more." (T) "For the people who I'm signing these for: are you going to the farm-" "YES WE FINNA BE COWBOYS" (T) "What y'all playing over there?" "Chess." (T) "I hope you lose." (T) "If you're stupid, it's your fault." (T) "Let's go guys!" "hoLD ON I'M SAVING MY POKEMON GAME" "There's people taking pictures down there - should I pour Monster on them?" "When you gave me my pencil I was like 'I like Zoe, she's nice' in my brain and then my brain somehow connected that to 'You tryna smash?' and another part of my brain said 'No, stop, she'd cut your dick off'." "That's the strangest intrusive thought I've ever heard from a friend." "How many of y'all think I'm gay?" *about 6 people raise their hands* "Ok then." "May I please go to the bathroom?" (T) "You just have to get out of here at any chance you get, don't you?" "I'm serious, I'm really hungry, does anyone have any food?" "I have lotion." "Fuck you." (T) "OH MY GOD SHE HAS TAP SHOES CAN YOU DANCE???" "...no" (T) "YOU STILL LOOK GOOD" *watching Sorcerer's Stone* "Who's at the window?" *ta-da it's Malfoy* "Oh it's a blonde-headed lesbian." "Shit fuck goddammit bitch pussy fucking Jesus Christ." "I have ibuprofen, you know." "Nah, I'm good." "I'm a lil loli short and flat~ My head is for pat- wait fuck what was it" "Hello~ my fuCKING HIP OW" "Are you ok?" "I popped my hip...Hello, my name is Elder Price~" (T) "Here, it's legal to marry your 2nd cousin twice removed." "I'm doing it." (T) "******** no-" "Fuck (insert name of school district), man. On my mom." "I wanna fucking die I hate this class." "No. I look like Jesus, I'm telling you no. Therefore, Jesus says no and you're not allowed to die." (T) "How else could we have solved this?" "With a calculator." "Did Diego steal his money from Dora?" (T) "I don't know, moving on." "All y'all talking about how your souls are dark black, mine is baby blue. It's brighter than your hair." "uwu my stomach hurts" "I'm serious I'm not on my phone." (T) "Oh really?" "I swear to GOD she wasn't!" (T) "Oooooohhh" "Holy shit Zoe you're gonna send **** to hell." "You were staring at me for like 20 seconds before calling on me!" (T) "No, my glass eye was staring at you. My real eye was over there seeing that stuff, and over here I didn't see sHIT." "I heard there's G-Spots in your ass, why don't you shove it up there and have some fun." "How about no?" "Suit yourself." "I don't like raw fish — it makes me sad." "100 senators!! Come ON, Sen - a - tors!" "Shut up go stick your head in a dick." "I want that Mormon Milk." "I'm begging you to stop talking." "I'm salivating for that salvation." "Shut the fuck up."

BONUS: SCHOOL'S POWER OUT

"My god that sun is brighter than Kirishima's smile." "Zoe is turning into Trina." "I'm breaking down~" "Come over here anyone who wants to take 'Golden-Hour Mental Breakdown' selfies and/or get Pocky." "Anyone who refuses to let their anxious child come home will be personally smacked by me with Zoe's copy of 'Half-Blood Prince'."

NORMAL SCHOOL

"Stab me in the ovary or whatever you said." "CORRODED ARTERY YOU ARE MALE" "Same difference." "Perfect boy lookin-ass- no homo." "What the fuck" "People think that Sherlock Holmes isn't real because he was written in a book. God was too but you don't see people denying HE exists, do you?" "Ok do a burpee." *burps loudly* "No a- you're a fucking idiot." "Heyyyyy Zoe, can we- holy shit is that Pornhub?" "How do you make a baby crawl in a circle?" "I don't fucking know." "Ok...do you know how to make one stop?" "When did you get here!?" "Couple minutes ago." "???" "I'm quiet and people generally don't notice I'm here." "...do you need a hug?" (T) "What'd you do this weekend?" "Some sewing." (T) "What'd you sew?" "Robes…" (T) "For what?" "*increasingly embarrassed* A costume." "From what?" "*very red by now* Harry Potter…" "Which character?" "*wanting to crawl into a hole* Draco Malfoy…" "*polite clapping from entire class*" (T) "He's on the road to alcoholism." "I'm doing a 21-Day challenge of not talking, if I do - punch me." (T) "Oooohhh this is gonna be fun." *knock at door* (T) "*presses face against door window* What's the password?" "bitCH GIVE ME BACK MY CAPRI-SUN" "It's not Capri-S-" "IT'S BOOTLEG CAPRI-SUN GIVE IT BACK" "Holy shit you turned the Jesus-freak gay." "What happens if you don't deletus the fetus?" "Then the abortion isn't completus." (T) Can you see where I'm going?" "To hell." "Oh look, a wasp." "KILL THAT SHIT" "Oh man I can't hear my eardrums." "How the fuck would you hear your eardrums?" "That's the POINT." "I like a p p l e s ~I like 'em big and juicy-" (T) "NO." "Everyone raise your hand if you want Mr. **** out of the room." *80% raises their hands* (T) "Even you?" "What do you mean 'even me'!?!?" "******? ******!!" "What?" "If I ask you a question will you be a douche?" "Probably." "Understandable." "What the hell am I reading?" "Words." "Mr. **** do you like donkey ducks?" (T) "I'm not even going to answer you." "I'm scared of homophobes." "Homophobophobia." "If gay is a slur does that mean that African American is a slur?" "Who has my mcfreaking phone? WHOMST HAS MY PHONE" (T) "Ooh free charger! *wraps cord around neck like a scarf*" "Whee whee mone me jam apple laff-yeti" "If someone is being homophobic, give them dyslexia." "Troom Troom life hack: if someone is harassing you — eat them." "Troom Troom banana hack: if someone is harassing you — shove a banana up their ass." (T) "Take that hat off." "I'm a gangsta." "I'm never gonna use this shit. Do you think I'm gonna go to McDonald's and say something like, I don't know, 'Oh riddle me dubious'? NO." "I'm gonna meticulate you until you get dyslexia." "What the fuck does that even mean?" "I'm gonna meticulate your rectum." "Please stop." (T) "See that girl? She likes bad boys." (T) "Ask her, she has tape." "What the hell has made you think I have tape?!?" "I don't care if you have 106% in this class, you can kiss my fat ass!" "No, PICasso." "I like Costco-" "No." "Holy shit *points at red train in movie watched in class* it's the Hogwarts Express." "Stop it." "Choo choo bitch we goin' to magic school." (T) "Guys Mr. ***** is in here, quick make it look like you're doing math." "3 + 7 = 9!!!" "Are you serious?" "MOVE IT, MUNCHKINS!" *shoves us apart and runs off* "Excuse-moi, I'm gonna beat her ass." "Oh my god someone's weave is on the floor." "Only at (insert school name here)." "THERE'S MORE THEY THREW IT OUT THE FUCKING WINDOW" "*handing out books* Take this dick, *throws book on student's desk next to me* and here you go. *places book gently on my desk*" "waIT TAKE THAT BACK I WANT A 'HERE YOU GO' WTF" (T) "-and so the corn salsa would be 20...thaaaat's not one of the answers oh no." "You fucking whore, happy birthday." (T) "How do you know you are college and career ready?" "Because Jesus loves me." "Last time I shit my pants was in middle school." "rePEAT THAT?" "I'm gonna show up tomorrow with AIDS." "Did you just say you'd show up with AIDS?" "Yeah." "Why??" "Cause HE put his spit on me." "I'm borrowing your chair. To sleep." "I'm straight as a line." "Oh? *makes loop-de-loops in the air* You mean THIS line?" (T) "I will decimate you. I will wipe your name from the earth." "Is the government making us take this test?" (T) "No, the district is making us take it." "Well the district can suck my ass." *calling every white person in a certain scene of Ernest Green a toothpick* "Is it just me or does ******** seem like he'd end up having a job at Chuck and Dale's?" "GIVE ME BACK MY PHONE I WANNA WATCH MERLIN" (T) "You boys don't know how to chop down a tree, do you? You wouldn't be able to do that." "Yes I would, I do it in Minecraft all the time!" (T) "Ok, remember to put your name on your paper." "No. I have no name. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named. Voldemordita." "Stop it." "Shut up, both y'all gay, always smackin' each other's asses in class." (T) "Easy, Luigi, we're not watching a movie." (This was a sub for Civics class and he had just walked in 2 minutes prior. The student's name was not Luigi) "Hold on I'm gonna be Oprah: YOU GET A CALCULATOR, YOU GET A CALCULATOR!" "Y'know ***** still needs one." "F R I C K" *girl walks into a desk* "There's a desk there ****." "I KNOW fuck OFF" "I feel like we need to warn her about everything when she walks." "Watch out for life, ****." "Can we do it on paper?" (T) "No, this is not Burger King." *leaving the room* "Remember, cocaine is not your friend. I'll kick your ass." (T) "Wow! It's Good Friday, and you're talking about your baptism and stuff like that, and you said 'oh my fricking god'? For shame." (T) "I'm on a lot of drugs and alcohol right now and I can't feel anything." "Oh my GOD USE A YARDSTICK" "No." "MR. ******** I'M GONNA HURT HER" "Gonna stab her with the yardstick?" "I need bail money." "I need money PERIOD." "DRAW. A STRAIGHT. L I N E." "NO, FUCK YOU" "You know you're gay when it takes you 3 tries to draw a straight line." "DON'T TAKE MY JOKE" "You definitely know you're gay if it still isn't straight after 3 tries." (T) "What would you do if someone came into your neighborhood?" "Who's neighborhood? Mr. Rodger's?" "I have 15 pets." "I have 13 siblings, does that count?" "No but it does mean that your parents need to learn how to use a fucking condom." "Hi my name is J. Michael Tater Tot welcome to the Dairy Dome." "Dyslexia? I thought you said...cannibalistic tendencies." "What?" "I couldn't think of anything that rhymed." "You need to flex seal your anus closed." "If you don't fucking shut up I will shave off your eyebrows using my toenail as a razor you cunt." "Sippy Cup looks depressed." "Sippy Cup, you going through some shit?" "Hit or Miss, I guess they never miss, huh? You got a boyfriend-" "Yep." "I bet he doesn't kiss ya!" "Haha nope." "Ew I look like Casper." (T) "...and we're going to write a paragraph." "Oh you're FUNNY." "I think I'm switch. Like, I'm good with being sub, but I'd like to dominate my bitch too. Like F.B.I get on the ground open your legs." "Ms. ******* that's really bright-" (T) "YOU'RE bright." Video: *talking about how important this song is to them* (T) "I don't care stop talking." "I peed on the desk again." "Key word: AGAIN???" "You should send ****** and I to get them." "That is a HORRIBLE idea." "What do you mean it's a horrible idea? You don't know me!" "What do you mean 'I don't know you?' We have gone to school together for almost 4 years." (T) "Look, I know you're obsessed with me, GET TO WORK." "He's harassing me." "You harassed me first. It's not harassment if you do it in self-defense." "You can have the benefit of my middle finger." "It's the progression of the climb of the rocket." (T) "Oh my GOOODDDD JUST SAY IT LIKE A NORMAL HUMAN BEING" "Fine. The speed." (T) "ExACTLY." "Oh look a firetruck's outside." "Whee whoo whee whoo- oh my god you're serious. Oh god it's (crappy fire department) jesus christ." "I think we need to potty train our classmates again." "AGAIN???" "Well, yeah. They're supposed to be." "'Supposed to' and 'are' are two different things." "Mr. **** can I put mascara on you?" (T) "No." "Whyyyyy?" (T) "Do I look like a Barbie doll?" (T) "Mascara girl is the one who's talking." "You act like I don't have a name!!!" "Do you?" "What the hell are you doing?" "It makes your eyelashes look nicer." "Yeah; easy, breezy, beautiful: Covergirl. Get with the program." "James Charles is QUAKING." "Sister shook." "Give me my paper." "Bitch I'm gluing my fingers together, I didn't fucking take it." "Do you have a charger?" "No, but I have a notebook full of English notes." "I don't have any round characters, all of mine are gay and sad."

BONUS 2: BIRTHDAY

"I'm sorry I don't have anything for you for your birthday all I have is Reese's and duct tape." "Wait it's your birthday??? HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO-" "NO STOP SHE DOESN'T WANT THAT" "Thank you." "You're welcome." (T) "Pay attention my dudes." *collective groaning from entire class* "*asking for tampons*" (T) "*holding a marker* I can throw another red one at you." "I don't get it. *sudden realization*" (T) "***** pick your jaw up off the floor, I was joking." "I'm tired of the word 'domain'." "Oh yeahhhh me too, cause we hear it a lot in physics now." "Domain, domain, domain; I hate it." "I'm in a domain of hating myself." "I'm joking, I love you." "I'm not joking, but I love you too anyways." "**** don't lose your Crocs again." (T) "Get that earbud out of your ear." "No, this is keeping me sane." "Why is my name 'desire'??? I put it as 'pee pee poo poo'!"

NORMAL SCHOOL

"I've finally done a fraction! I flipped it over, turned it around, smacked its ass and had it call me daddy." "PARDON???" "What?" (in Physics talking about electricity) "Ok positive top, negative bottom-" "ME?" "He said you can't learn if you burn but you do learn. You learn fire is hot. Also the sensation of being burned alive as you are consumed by flames." "*shows Thanos smut* Spoilers for Endgame that no one asked for." "Legend has it that if you work at the Dairy Dome, you get free tickets to Domegame." Have a marvelous Monday, a Terrific Tuesday, a Wonderful Wednesday, a...Thesis Thursday. I couldn't think of anything." "You look like a frog." (T) "And you look like a squid." "Someone today said I looked like a drug dealer magician. Would you like *sweeps off hat* MARIJUANA??? Or...*pretends to pull something out of hat* COKE??? Perhaps some *flourishes* *whispers* acid???" "I'm gonna Detroit Smash him to hell." "LGBT, let's get this bread." "My hero academia as in Aizawa can shove my ass up his head- wait hold on" "*talking about Ariel* She's hot but that doesn't excuse the fact that she put her entire species in jeopardy for some dick." (T) "Does anyone not have medicine in their bag that ******* cannot have while I look down at the floor because I dropped my pen?" (T) "*reaches for paper*" "Ah ah **** no swipin'." *in science class* "Nothing's happening but I saw that bitch SPARK and I'm terrified." "I'm basically teacher today, your assignment is to do nothing. YOU get an A." "SHUT UP MOTHERFUCKER I'LL EAT YOUR ANUS THEY DON'T CALL ME RECTUMUS PRIME FOR NOTHING" "EXCUSE ME" "What was the word again?" "David Hasselhoff?" "What, no???" "This is why you shouldn't scratch yourself, here." "*instantly shoves necklace in mouth*" "I wouldn't use that as a chew fidget, I got it off the ground in Louisiana." "*chews even more aggressively*" (T) "Don't mess with me I will throw something at you, I played softball for 14 years." "Really???" (T) "Yeah. I was the captain biatch." "James Charles looks like the dragon from Shrek." "***'s touching my wenis." "Gay fantasies don't really matter." "Yeah, I mean, did you see the way that Tony and Cap looked at each other in Endgame?" "When he was, a young boy, his father, took him to the dark lord, to kill the principalofawizardachool" "He said son when, you grow up, will you b-" "HE SAID WILL YOU, GETSHANKEDINABATHROOM-" "Watch out: I have peanut butter and a knife!" (T) "All you need is at least a 60% to pass the test-" "BOI I GET 40S AND 30S IN YOUR CLASS AND YOU KNOW IT" (T) "So you used to go to (other school name)?" "Yeah. But people growling and barking at me was a little much." (T) "Were they furries?" "Dude, tornadoes in Kansas are no joke." "But you go to Oz." "THERE AIN'T NO YELLOW BRICK ROAD AFTER A TORNADO" "Uh, yeah! Yellow brick road to HEAVEN." "Toto isn't god” "You awakened something you didn't want to awaken." "Is it god??? Is it Totoro? Remember to pay your taxes or Hong Kong will come eat you." "Today's weather is cloudy with a chance of rectal prolapse." (T) "Who's at the door?" "It's ***." (T) "Who's ***?" "***. Your student." (T) "*opens door* Who are you?" "I'm nobody." "Who is commander in chief of the military? My p e n i s" "Are those grandma shoes??? Can I e a t them???" "She sounds like a fetus screaming for extra guac at Chik-Fil-A." "WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN" "*singing the Boku No Pico theme off-key in a loli voice*" "I will hit you." "I'd feel bad for you but you have a 69% and that causes you to get a D and I can't look that over." "Do you ever wonder where babies come from? Cause I don't. All you have to do is pee into a lady's Digornio." "rePEAT THAT??" "Don't forget to degrade your dog." "Imagine a world: where you have 2 fetuses hanging from your eyebrow."

BONUS 3: GIANT, END-OF-THE-YEAR CIVICS TEST

"Why the fuck is Christmas a national holiday???" (T) "Ok, the president during WWII was...Roose-" "-A PARKS" (T) "Are you even paying attention?" (T) "What happened on September 11th, 2001?" "9/11!" (T) "We're gonna need you to be a little more specific, buddy." (T) "What's a state that borders Canada?" "I deadass was about to say Arizona, I need sleep." "WHAT is your name?" "*****." "WHAT is your quest?" "To clap the best pussy out there." "*through laughter* What is your favorite color?" "The color of the next pussy I'm gonna crunch." "I got a Voltage from the ROTC room, and I dropped it and someone said 'OOH', picked it up and yeeted with it." "WHAT THE FUCK I'D SHIT ON THEIR HOUSE" "Can we play a song after our presentation?" (T) "As long as it's not like 20 minutes like an Allman Brothers song." "Huh?" (T) "You know how when you have an acid trip, people tell you to listen to the Allman Brothers?" "..." (T) "I'm old." (T) "If this eye starts drooping, there was something in the brownie." (T) "*teaching us Piccolo Mini*" "You just made me feel dyslexic." "YOU GUYS WANNA KNOW THE TEA??? I'M THE REAL HOE" *applause from class* "BITCH WE BEEN KNEW" "*unintelligible*" (T) "What?" "*still unintelligible*" (T) "I still didn't hear you." "You talk like your handwriting." "I WILL THROW THIS CROC AT YOU" "I will literally pay a dollar for one." "I will literally eat these." "Petunia is not a phone." "Electronic device, then." "She's not an electronic device, I gave birth to her." (T) "**** that's the whitest you've ever sounded." "My dingaling is messed up." "Mine too." (T) "Ok so say you wanted aides-" "I DON'T WANT AIDS WHAT THE HELL" (T) "IN THE CLASSROOM. CLASSROOM AIDES. HELPERS. "Can we talk while doing this?" (T) "No, this isn't Burger King." "What is your obsession with Burger King????" "HE'S SPRAYING IT DOWN. HE'S SPRAYING IT DOWN. HE'S PUTTING THE WHITE NECTAR ON THE RAMEN SINK" "Have you ever seen a 14 year old looking badass?" "Have you ever seen a beaver chomping down on a carrot? Cause I wanna see that." "I don't wanna go to Papa Louie's Arcade, Papa Louie can pop a cap in your ass." "Micheal does a Thanos Snap in season 14." "Cas, I don't feel so good." "NO" "Your Crocs are in sport mode." "My cock is hard." "THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID" "It's ok lil diglett I'm gonna evolve you." (T) "Stop it." "I'm gonna evolve you it's fine, you're weak but you're gonna get better. *throws stress ball at teacher*" (T) "******* looks like Ted Bundy" (T) "He's falling asleep. Hey, ****, are you sad you can't have an abortion?" "What???" (T) "If you don't like high school relationships, who's that guy you keep making out with in the hallway?" "*pointing at random places on the map in the civics classroom, threatening to deport each other to random places*" "You're jiggling my titties." "*half the class is singing I Write Sins Not Tragedies*" "I love you!" "Shut it, I'm doing a presentation." "I love you!!" "Stop." "I love you!!!" "God damnit, *******, I'm gonna hit you." (T) "If you drop any f-bombs during the presentation, I'm gonna kill you." "Bottom, take the apple." "I'm not black, I'm O.J." "Balls. That was the word." "HOW THE HELL DID YOU GET 'BALLS' FROM 'THE BUCKS ARE WINNING THE FINALS'??" "Who's this? Tom? No I don't wanna streak with you. Stranger danger." "Why is it called Field Day if it's only 2 periods?" (AP) "I- That's actually a good question." "ALRIGHT THIS IS WHAT WE NEED TO DO-" "*gets literally kissing distance from him* *salutes* Yes sir?" "We're playing cornhole." "Stop laughing, how is cornhole inappropriate?" "Mr. **** this is the type of yardstick that could take your kneecaps. Do you want me to take yours?" (T) "I'd like to see you try." "Is that Ratatouille?" "Ratatouille isn't the rat. That's Remy, you insolent fuck." "I'm gonna call you the 'G' word." "What's the 'G' word?" "Jew." "That's…porny." "...send it to me." "Where you going?" "To hell." "WHY" "*shrugs* Seems fun." "You see, this is why I need to work with you. I'm your insurance."

BONUS 4: FIELD DAY

(T) "Are you part 1 or part 2?" "Uh…" (T) "Top line or bottom line?" "Bottom- no, top- uhhhhh…" "He looks like a top." "I still don't understand why we fucking dropped Bohemian Rhapsody for a song from fucking T W I L I G H T." (T) "*throws a marker at the Assistant Principal*" *various cheers and "OHHHHHH"s from the class* (AP) "Are you actually serious." Not a quote but in the 2nd to last week of school, we spent almost the entirety of 4th period Algebra (including the teacher — he started it) throwing dry-erase markers at each other and didn't even stop when the AP (seen above) came in. (T) "*walks through the middle of the room*" "FIRE" *8 people pelt markers at him* "Wait you guys realize he's gonna throw all of those back, right?" "I have a D I'm hanging on the edge my dudes." "I did a math? I did a math!!!" "You did meth?" "YES!!!" "*gets head shoved out of window* OW! FUCK, ****** MY TIT" "You exude strong Kenny energy." "Why?" "Cause you die a lot? Cause your heart was replaced with a baked potato? Cause your family's poor?" "*laughing so hard we can't breathe*" "*leaves the cafeteria to calm down from laughing too hard*" "I'm having elementary school flashbacks." "Shut your social justice warrior ass up." "You ok?" "I stabbed myself." "Sorry, only girls get it. Also, this is my last customer today." "Hold on, if it's only girls, why does HE get it?" "Hi." "OH SHIT YOU'RE A GIRL MY BAD"

NORMAL SCHOOL

“Did I just witness a drug deal?” "Why do you look like a dad?" "I need some weed in my system again, I'm fucking drained." "There's a fucking big-ass run in my tights — I'm gonna eat my own ass and then some." "Hi I'm ***** and Mr. **** can suck my 13 inch dong. My Long John Silver." "This ignorant pickle of a person can die." "This cashew of a long dong. Cashews look like telephones." "A shirt says Mr. **** can suck my magnum horse, my stallion." "His mom should've fucking swallowed." "Spit his ass in a Dixie cup." "I will tattoo my eyes shut." "I'm talking about this mongoose man that's called Mr. ****." "Can you speak some Spanish?" "Hola, como estas, sugma." "Sugma?" "Suck my fuckin' balls lmao" "It's your sugar daddy. *shows picture of Andrew Jackson*" "It's Mr. **** as a woman." "That's fucking Christopher Columbus." "*howling laughter*" "I was just thinking 'have it stop raining so that I don't have to walk in it', but then I remembered I have work today so it should keep pouring. The more the sky cries, the less I cry. Unless I'm on drive." "Excuse me sir, *raises leg* my penis has fallen off." "I pray you get AIDS." (T) "Please throw away your sheet music, it's illegal to copy sheet music and I don't wanna go to jail." "*loud smack* I am so sorry, I didn't mean it to be that loud! Come here baby boy, let me give you the sweet taste of my mother milk." "It's not mother anymore, it's daddy now." "Dude what if you were born with a set of words that if said, would implode your testicles." "Bomb go boom, Mormons go extinct." "MR. **** YOU TOOK OUR NOODS" "DON'T TAKE THE NOODS" "NOT THE NOODS!!!" "****, I thought you were Catholic." "The pencil's black." "Like my ass-cheeks." "Someone stole it!!!!" "Like ****'s virginity."

BONUS 5: WATCHING INSIDIOUS (FOR SOME FUCKING REASON)

*kid falls off ladder* *various banshee screeches from students* "They're kissing AGAIN. This movie is NOT appropriate." "I'm hearding weeeesssst~ I don't know what to dooooo~ " That's not how you make a superpowered baby. You kill the mother and put her on the ceiling." "Wait, pause. What the hell?" "F.B.I, open up." "IT'S DALTON." "PUT A CHAIR ON THE DAMN DOOR" "HOW WOULD A CHAIR WORK AGAINST THE DEMON" "He's in a deep sleep. Wake him up with true love's kiss." "It's a pedo-demon! Everyone run!" "He's cheating on her." "What if this was linked to Supernatural?" "Ooh she's echoing now." "My legs are shaking bruh." "Is that blood on the window?" "No, it's a tree." "SMACK THE CHILD"

NORMAL SCHOOL

"I figured out why I'm so quiet today." "Oh, really?" "Yeah, *shows trembling hands* I'm on vibrate." "I can't wait to go to church."

BONUS 6: LAST DAY OF SCHOOL

"The first thing I ate when I came to this country, it was in the airport and it was Doritos." (T) "They gave me the shortest teachers' gown they had. I have a baby gown." "That isn't a happy little bush." "IT'S. TREE." "Hello ladies, *winks* *blows kiss*" "I'm GAY." *I Will Survive playing really loudly* "******* you're not in our friend group so get the FUCK OUT." "Now I can swear! FUCK Y'ALL BITCHES I'M GOING TO EAT YOUR KNEECAPS" "Oh shit it's an end of the year fight!" Four kids got into a fight at the same time and one got tazed."

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ancientbooshartifacts · 5 years ago

Text

The Only Song Worth Singing

Author: Neut

Year: 2006

Rating: PG-13

Pairing: Bob Fossil/Dixon Bainbridge, Matt Berry/Vince Noir, Matt Berry/Rich Fulcher

"Hey, Matt," Rich said eagerly. "Matt." Matt did not respond. "Matt," Rich tried again. He had a teaspoon balanced on his nose. "You're a prick," Matt said from behind his newspaper. Crestfallen, Rich removed the spoon. "I'm so bored," he said. Matt still did not respond. "Hey you wanna play darts?" "Have you had another royalty cheque?" "No." "Fuck off." Rich began to drum his fingers against his legs. He looked around the room. He began to whistle. Matt dropped the paper and grabbed Rich's face with one hand. "Shut the fuck up." Rich froze. Matt slowly let go. "I gotta go piss," Rich said. Matt nodded as Rich rose from his seat. He crossed the room to the toilets and as he was about to open the door, heard a call of "Not that one!" His hand instinctively moved to the door next to it, labelled '1888'. He smiled. Of course. Sir Charles would be able to provide some entertainment. Despite having stepped through the rip in the time/space continuum several times now, it still left Rich disoriented. When he snapped out of his daze, he looked around and realised that Sir Charles was not in his usual seat. The room was empty, the only sign of life the fire flickering in the grate. Not wanting to waste the opportunity, Rich sidled over to the chair and with one last furtive glance, sat himself upon it. It was comfortable. No, more than comfortable. This chair was a little piece of heaven. Rich rifled through the things on the table beside him, poured himself a drink from a crystal decanter and began to prepare a pipe. "I'm fucking Goldilocks!" he said, enthralled. He took a sip of the drink and knew before it even touched his tongue that it was going to be the best whiskey he'd ever tasted. "Wow," he breathed. The pipe was half raised to his mouth when he heard a door open. He dropped it in surprise and tobacco spilled onto the carpet. He turned slowly, expecting Sir Charles or his man, Wormwood. He would be in trouble regardless. He heard a voice before he saw the speaker. "Whoa there. What's going on here?" "Dunno," a second voice replied. "Thought you said this was the toilets?" It was neither Sir Charles nor Wormwood. With some disappointment Rich noted that it was not even the usual bevy of half naked prostitutes. Rather it was the two least likely people he could have imagined wandering into Matt's great, great uncle's drawing room. They stared at him. He stared at them. They hadn't changed much since he last saw them and judging by their faces, they were equally as surprised to see him as he was them. "Fossil?" "Hey, Vince. I like your hair." Vince looked at Howard for some explanation. Howard shrugged his shoulders. The last time that they had seen Fossil he had been unkempt, slightly manic and was flitting around after Bainbridge, hurling obscenities at small children. Now here he was in this luxurious room, wearing a smart, dark suit and neatly groomed. It was difficult to believe he was the same man. "What's going on?" Vince asked. "We just came in for a wee." "Yeah, I know," Fossil said, his face adopting the familiar look of dumb eagerness that Howard and Vince were accustomed to. They both relaxed slightly. "It happens all the time when I go for a piss." "You drink in the King's Legs?" Howard asked, looking back at the door he and Vince had just entered through. "No. The Hangman's Club." An awkward silence fell on the room. Vince nudged Howard. "So... um. How are you? How have you been?" Howard's interest was unconvincing, though Fossil didn't appear to notice. "Great!" he grinned. "I got a new job with my friend Matt. He works for the Queen. And I get to hang out in his gentleman's club." "You?" Howard and Vince said in stunned unison. Fossil looked a little hurt. There was something not quite right about him. He seemed calmer somehow. Maybe even a little quieter. Howard felt he could do with a drink to help him come to terms with the current situation. "You guys should come meet Matt," Fossil said. Vince looked at Howard again, his eyebrows raised in question. Howard shook his head and mumbled "I dunno". Vince cast a quick glance at Fossil. There was such a simple, gullible air about him. "We can't say no," he whispered. "Be like kicking a puppy." Howard couldn't believe that he was about to agree to an evening spent with the man who had made his life hell for so long, but he admitted to himself that he liked the idea of attending a gentleman's club. It sounded like the sort of place where Howard Moon would be appreciated. He nodded at Vince. "Alright, Mr Fossil. Lead the way." "Great. But, hey, lay off the Fossil stuff. I don't use that name anymore." "Who the hell are these two arseholes?" Matt was unimpressed with the strays that Rich had brought back. "Really, Berry," one of the old gentleman members said, nodding towards a sign reading 'NO SWEARING'. "Uh, these guys are friends of mine," Rich said unsurely. Howard and Vince exchanged a look with one another. The old gentleman cleared his throat and pointed to another sign, higher up the wall. It said 'NO COLOURFUL NON-MEMBERS'. "Piss off, you silly old fart," Matt said. The old man shook his head and made a sound of disapproval. "Just sit," Rich said. "And try not to draw too much attention." The irony was not lost on Howard and Vince as they watched Fossil- or Rich, as he insisted on being called- go to the bar. Howard turned back to Matt. "Allow me to introduce myself," he began. "I'm Howard Moon, jazz maverick. You may have heard of me. I span the genres." Matt stared hard at him for a good minute. "I haven't got a fucking clue who you are, pal. What about you, princess? Got a name?" Vince regarded Matt coolly. "Vince Noir," he said, almost making it sound like a threat. Matt looked him up and down with a smirk. "Sounds about right." Rich reappeared with drinks, placing a pint of something dark in front of Howard and a toxic pink cocktail before Vince. Matt gulped down half a glass of whiskey and pointed at Rich. Howard had a sudden and brief sense of de ja vu. "Talk," Matt commanded. "I used to work with these guys." "So what the hell are they doing here?" "Oi," Vince interjected. "We are sitting right here." "We don't know how we got here," Howard added. "We were in a pub, then we went through a door and ended up in that drawing room with Mr Fossil here." "Fossil," Matt said, rather than asked. He looked at Rich and sighed impatiently. He was fast tiring of this. "Look, Matt. I didn't tell you the whole truth about me." Matt yawned. "I didn't come straight from the States when I met you. I used to work in a zoo." Howard's attention wandered while Rich was talking. He noticed a portrait hanging behind the table. The subject was a man who bore a striking resemblance to Matt, save for his elaborate moustache. The plaque beneath it indicated that the man was Sir Charles Berry. The name meant nothing to Howard other than the fact that he was obviously one of Matt's ancestors. Yet there was something so familiar... "Why should I give a shit, you dickhead?" Howard's train of thought was broken as Matt threw another insult at Rich. "I was using a different name then because of all that stuff with my sisters," Rich mumbled. "Eh?" Vince asked, perking up. This sounded more interesting. "Your mate Fossil has dabbled with his own flesh and blood on more than one occasion," Matt said with a satisfied smirk. Howard and Vince grimaced. "That's even worse than Bainbridge," Vince blurted out. "Bainbridge..." Rich murmured in wonder, speaking the word as though it was something mythical. Matt looked up sharply and Howard caught his eye. It was the first time that Matt had dropped his guard. He was the first to look away. Bainbridge, Howard thought. That nagging feeling he'd had since arriving was starting to make more sense. "And this prick didn't even know that it was Bowie!" Matt had moved the party upstairs to his private room and was laughing loudly at Rich's expense. Across from him, Vince was grinning, stirring his drink with a straw and taking small, coquettish sips. "No way!" he giggled. "That's mental!" Howard and Rich sat apart from them, watching on awkwardly. Much to Howard's chagrin, as Vince's level of alcohol consumption had increased, so had his tolerance of Matt. Rich, meanwhile, had said little since Bainbridge had been mentioned. Howard found his silence unnerving. "Happens all the time," Matt continued. "Adam Ant was in the other week." Vince was visibly impressed. "We've gotta get the address of this studio, eh Howard?" Howard nodded in an offhanded fashion, knowing full well that Vince was intoxicated and didn't really want his opinion. Matt continued to regale Vince with his stories of this amazing rehearsal studio that he and Rich frequented while Howard struggled to get his head around the idea that Fossil could write music. And had a job. A job by appointment of the Sovereign. None of it added up. Matt was taking a piss in the adjoining bathroom and Rich was mixing some fresh drinks. Howard took the opportunity to talk to Vince. "There's some bad juju afoot," he said discretely. "Bad juju? It's worse than that. We just voluntarily spent our Saturday night in an old people's home with Fossil. And he's normal! Well... sort of. This is a twisted, freakish nightmare. Good cocktails though." "Look," Howard said, looking around with suspicion. "This Matt, does he remind you of anyone?" Vince looked blank. "Imagine him with big hair," Howard continued. "And a moustache? Like a ... silver horseshoe?" Vince frowned in concentration. Realisation slowly dawned on him. "Yeah," Howard urged him on. "Des Lynam!" Vince beamed. "Des Lynam?" "Yeah, the Silver Fox. Ladies love Des." "Wasn't quite who I had in mind." "Oh. Charles Darwin?" Howard fought to control his frustration. "Think about it, Vince. The insults, the cursing. And," Howard imitated the very distinctive way that Matt had pointed at Rich. "This!" Vince suddenly looked quite sick. Howard moved closer to him. "Are you alright?" "Yeah," Vince said unconvincingly. "Must have had one Cosmo too many." Howard carefully scrutinised his friend. "What happened?" he asked. "When we came upstairs. You and him, you tagged behind a bit." Vince looked sheepish. "There is a chance that I might possibly have just kissed him a little bit." Howard looked appalled. "Vince, how could you-" "Leave it out, Howard. It's bad enough I've got deal with getting off with a Bainbridge clone. I'll never live this down." Howard thought he saw Vince gag slightly when he said their former employer's name. Then Matt walked back into the room. Vince paled. "IthinkIwannagohomenow." "What's wrong with you?" Matt asked when he and Rich were alone. He was sprawled across a chaise longue while Rich was squashed into a small armchair. "I guess seeing those guys again brought back a lot of memories," Rich replied. "Y'know, I used to be a real asshole." "You're still an arsehole." "It was the guy I used to work for. He treated me pretty bad. I didn't realise it at the time. I would've done anything for him." Matt swirled the glass he was holding and the icecubes within it made a tiny chiming sound. "My uncle Dicky used to own a zoo." He said. Rich looked up, surprised that Matt was still paying attention to the conversation. "He's a complete tosser." They were silent for a while. "Hey, Matt?" "What?" "Thanks for getting me a job. I thought the zoo was my life and I didn't have a fucking clue what to do after it closed." Matt sat up and opened his mouth to speak. Rich looked him in the eye. He reached out and put his hands on either side of Rich's head, pulled him closer and placed a brief, hard kiss on his mouth. "You're mine now," he breathed.

#the mighty boosh #mighty boosh #boosh #snuffbox #snuff box #vince noir #howard moon #bob fossil/dixon bainbridge #rich fulcher/matt berry #vince noir/matt berry

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richards-lizzie-blog · 7 years ago

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Bright and early the next morning I called for Veronique. Although I was no longer a princess, Veronique who had no duties to attend, had come to help me and I was thankful for her. Veronique squealed with delight and clapped her hands. ‘My lady can only be compared to a precious gem, a fine diamond, brilliantly reflecting her many facets and she can rely on me to make her as lovely as can be. Any man who will be in your company tonight will not fail to fall under your exquisite charms.’ I took a very excited hand and gushed. ‘I thought the green dress with the gold silk trim would be a good choice.’ I hoped that Veronique did not guess whom I wanted to be most overwhelmed by my beauty. Veronique continued with excited breath. ‘It certainly would be a fine choice and for you hair?’ Putting my finger to my face and raising my eyes upwards, a slight crease came upon my forehead as I deliberated. ‘Uhh…I want my hair to be free with just a few jewels about it on a fine golden band .’ The clothes were made ready and I was bathed in warm scented water. With Veronique’s help the day was spent brushing and teasing my locks in a neat style, plucking my eyebrows, whitening my face and painting my cheeks and lips a fiery red. Then it was time for Veronique to help me to dress. The undergarments and the dress needed a lot of fastening to reveal my tiny waist: clasp, buttons, ties and buckles were all part of the outfit. Finally I was ready and looked admiringly at myself in the looking glass that Veronique was holding at a distance. Although the image was a little cloudy I liked what I saw reflecting back. Veronique gave me a kiss on the cheek and reassured me that I was the most beautiful woman in Christendom. It was almost seven; very nervously I stood trembling. Veronique could see that an uneasy girl stood before her and tried to put my mind at rest. ‘You will have a wonderful evening. Now take three deep breaths and try to stop worrying.’ I nodded and obeyed. Veronique kissed me again and smiled. ‘It is time you made your way to The King’s apartments.’ A surge of uneasiness entered my body. ‘I am so anxious; will you come with me some of the way?’ Veronique agreed and the two of us set off. I tried to keep a benign look on my face as I strode through the broad corridors and up along the winding stone staircase, to The King’s rooms. ‘I cannot come any further,’ Veronique whispered. I nodded and took in a deep breath. I was now on my own and rounded the corner to be met by an arched wooden doorway. Outside were stationed two armed men standing guard over the royal apartments. Silently one stepped aside and the other opened the door for me and I walked in. Inside I waited in an outer chamber. My heart was beating hard as I peered around. This was a room I knew all too well, for the whole suit of rooms had been my father’s apartments when he had been King not yet two years before. A lot had happened since then, most of it tragic but tonight I intended to enjoy myself, as I had never done before. I stood and marvelled at the hand painted walls and ceiling, for these room were famous throughout Europe for being most exquisitely decorated. ‘My Lady,’ a squire of the household was in my presents. ‘I will escort you to His Majesty.’ I nodded and followed him through several outer rooms that were all familiar to me. He led me to what I knew to be the inner chamber. As he opened the door I saw not King Richard but Dickon standing alone beside a magnificent spread of food and wine. I curtseyed low and Dickon took my hand and kissed it. I met his eyes; there was about him a quality which no other man could ever have for me. He seemed relaxed and began to talk feely. ‘I am so happy that you consented to join me tonight.’ I rose and looked at him. ‘Am I the first person to arrive?’ A slight smile appeared at the corner of his mouth as he spoke. ‘I have a confession...you are the only person I have asked here tonight.’ He motioned me to sit beside him. ‘I have dismissed all the servants. I thought it would be nice to serve ourselves because I do not want anyone else to hear what I have to say to you tonight.’ Looking around I noticed that we were indeed alone. A few candles flickered, splashing rings of light on the walls. ‘Come and sit by the fire and sup with me tonight.’ I sat quietly and listen patiently; he desperately needed someone to hear him. He had become such a lonely, sad figure of recent months. He told me of his doubts and suspicions and of his hopes for the future. As we ate and drank, taking long draughts of wine, Dickon empty his soul out to me. ‘I have decided to make my sister Elizabeth’s boy my heir. Yes, I have already made the boy Earl of Lincoln and I believe he is the best choice. My mind quickly went to my cousin John. John de la Pole was only a year older than me. His mother, Elizabeth, was Dickons older sister and Dickon had always been close to his Aunt and his cousin. My father had a fondness for his sister Elizabeth and her young son. I found John to be nice enough and agreed with his choice. I continued eating and sat with my eyes transfixed on him as he continued to unburden himself with his troubles. ‘I have tried to extradite Tudor from Brittany, but he and his supporters have fled to France.’ He paused and I could see the workings of his mind. ‘I intend to open talks with Charles as soon as he is fully recovered from his illness. I intend to offer him help in his wars in exchange for Tudor.’ Dickon breathed deeply and nodded as if confirming what he had just said. I continued to listen and watch him in total contentment as he continued to tell me of his plans. With his eyes fixed his upon me he went on. ‘I feel that you are the only person in the whole world that I can talk so freely with. Anne was very supportive but now she is too sick to even listen to my woes. The death of our dear son affected her so badly she never really recovered from his lost. The doctors believe that she may have caught his malady as she was forever close to him and she only has a few months left in this world.’ I sipped my wine and picked at the array of food on my platter and my eyes thanked him silently. ‘I am pleased that you deem me fit to confide in me your inner thoughts.’ Lowering my eyes I stuttered…‘to take the role of you wife.’ Dickon bowed his head as his thoughts turned to his ailing wife. ‘Anne knows that I have taken you into my trust; it was her who encouraged me to do so. She got to know and love you when you her Lady of the Wardrobe.’ Pouring himself another draught of wine he came and sat close to me. ‘Let us not think too much on our troubles for tonight I intend to relax and enjoy myself, something I have been unable to do these past months.’ As the evening went on he became a different person to the serious man of the past three years. The young carefree Dickon had briefly returned and he began to laugh and make light of his situation. Talking with me had somehow lightened his troubles, for a trouble shared is a trouble halved. A charming smile momentarily came over his face and his eyes began to probe me expectantly and his voice intensified. ‘You are a fine, sweet girl, dear Bessy.’ He stroked my cheek lightly and I could feel the words spinning in my head as he fixed me once more with his gaze. The hour was late and the castle was becoming very quiet, everyone was retiring for the night. I was beginning to feel a little dizzy; I had drunk too much wine. Hesitantly I began. ‘I believe that I should return to my own rooms as the hour is late.’ ‘You do not have to leave…I would like you to stay a little longer.’ Staring deeply into his eyes I recognized his sincerity. I could feel my heart beating hard in my chest as I answered him. ‘The hour is almost midnight, what will the court think if they believe that I have spent the night alone with you?’ His eyes seemed to glitter with passion. He was so close to me now that I could hear his breath exhale. ‘I do not care what they think. I am the King and I can do as I please. Right now I only care about one thing.’ He stared at me; ‘you are the most beautiful creature that I have ever seen. With your auburn hair and big hazel eyes, your high cheekbones and sensuous mouth you have become unbearably attractive to me these past few months.’ I thought on…I was so beautiful, so appealing to him at this moment that he had forgotten who my father was. I was now almost twenty years old and my curved body told him that I was now every bit a desirable woman. A wry smile came over his face. ‘I have to think of the future…a future that I believe could be with you,’ I returned his stares, I felt as though I was in a dream. He was now looking deep into my soul. Almost swooning I whispered. ‘I love you…I have always loved you ever since I was a child. Nothing can change the way that I feel about you.’ Our eyes locked and held. There was no need for me to tell him what I wanted as it was written all over my face. He smiled again, took the glass out of my hand and exhaled. ‘That is all I needed to know.’ Almost at once he kissed me passionately. His tongue was in my mouth and I responded wildly. He could feel my heart beating madly beneath my clothes. Skilled love maker as he was my response must have surprised him. My hand came upon him and began to caress his body. ‘Bessy, Bessy,’ he moaned you will soon be mine.’ I closed my eyes; I could not believe that this was really happening. The touch of his hands made my whole body quiver with delight. I did not resist him and he continued to hold me close. With his strong arms about me he swept me into his bedchamber. I saw the canopy of the King’s four poster bed and the drapes hanging around it. Slumping down upon it, I had become totally disengage in the reality of the moment as the ecstasy engulfed me. All I knew was that my life’s long dream of being intimate with Dickon was coming true. I could taste his hot kisses and feel his muscular body about me. The talking had stopped, as bit by bit our clothes were removed and my body became known to him. His hands and lips began to explore me totally and I too kissed, stroked and caressed him. I then knew that he was ready for me. The pain on entry soon gave way to pleasure as our lovemaking reached a climax. Looking deep into my eyes Dickon wiped the sweat drenched hair from my face and exhaled deeply. ‘You have lovely eyes; you are the most beautiful woman in the entire kingdom. When this Tudor impostor is dealt with you will be my Queen.’ The dream like quality of those magic moments now left me as I felt a horror take grip of my thoughts. A lump came to my throat. ‘What we have done is wrong…I am your niece.’ Dickon put his finger on my lips. ‘ Shhh… your father was only my half brother…I intend to get dispensation from the pope…I know that the Holy Father would grant a dispensation for he regularly authorizes marriages between uncles and nieces on the continent… I intend to marry you.’ He kissed me gently and I became relaxed with the idea. An uncertain look then crossed his face. ‘I think it may be wise for the moment to be discrete about our union. Firstly I need to talk to my ministers and inform them of my intentions.’ I did not answer, for I had complete trust in what ever he was going to do. I had never felt as comfortable as I did now in Dickon’s bed. I could only marvel at the series of events that had brought me to my present predicament. Dickon had declared his love for me and now my wildest dream, to become Dickon’s Queen, was about to come true. Letting out a long satisfying sigh I soon drifted off into a deep sleep. I was awoken early by Dickons’s soft kiss. ‘It is time you were gone,’ he whispered. ‘I will send word of my outcome with the meeting of myself and my ministers as soon as I can.’ I did not argue and wrapped myself in a fine blue bedspread lined with fur, my beautiful hair in disorder about my shoulders. With clothes clutched in my arms, I gave him a final kiss as I left the King’s chamber. The guards on the door were asleep and snored deeply. Silently I ran through the dimly lit deserted corridors hoping and praying that I was not seen by anyone, as I could not face being stopped and question about my whereabouts. An overwhelming excitement gripped me as I relived a much dreamed of fantasy of wandering through the Palace corridors fresh from my lovers arms. Out of breath I finally reached my room. I had never acted so swiftly. The dawn cock crowed on my entering and I was brought back to reality by the surprised sight of Cecily sitting on the end of my unruffled bed, wide-awake, and full of probing questions. ‘Have you been all night with the King?’ Looking at my dishevelled state her voice quickened. ‘What have you been doing? Will you not tell your sister the night’s happenings? Taking in a quick intake of breath I sighed and sat next to Cecily. I wondered what I should say to her. I could not carry on with this deceit any longer and anyway by the way I looked to her she already knew the story of last night. I needed to tell someone what had happened and decided to confess all. My voice was a strained whisper. ‘You must not breathe a word of this to anyone.’ Cecily nodded with conviction and swore. I settled beside my excited sister and told her in detail what the evening held. I admitted my thoughts and feelings that I had had for years and went on to describe every moment of my evening’s liaison with Dickon. Ce listened intently, her words were rushed. ‘I had guessed that you had a crush on our Uncle but I never dreamt that the situation had escalated into this!’ Over the next two weeks I spent several illicit nights with Dickon...our union was always wonderful and I hated the fact that I had to steal away in the middle of the night to keep our liaisons secret. ****** For the next six weeks Dickon was away from his London court. I had learnt that he had gone north to escort Anne back to Westminster, probably to die from the dreadful wasting sickness that she had been long suffering. While he was gone I mulled over and over in my mind what he had said; that he intended to marry me and make me Queen of England. Although I was happy, happier than I had been in my entire life, there was a tremendous sensation of guilt inside me that would not go away. I could not help but feel dreadfully sorry for Anne. The little Queen had been good to me, always kind, and now … For months, since coming from the sanctuary, I had seen nothing of my mother. Then one afternoon, without warning she called at my chamber, she was escorted by a page that she readily dismissed, smiling and trying to give the impression of concern, she gently laid her hand on my arm and sat down beside me. Her voice was calm and relaxed as she began to speak. ‘My dear Bessy, I hear that The King has a fondness for you.’ My body visibly jolted, a tingling surge went shooting through me. Quickly I suspected that my sister had broken her promise and told our mother of my secret. On second thoughts maybe an over nosy servant had gone to her in search of some favour or reward for such information. Whatever the circumstance my mother now knew my plight. I studied the face staring back at me and swallow hard. ‘They are but rumours… idle gossip.’ Taking in a quick intake of breath my mother went on. ‘I have it on good authority that The King has had knowledge of you. I have a right to know the truth, have you been intimate with him?’ I blushed deeply and lowered my head; I did not want my facial expressions to betray me. With my eyes cast down I answered. ‘If my mother is right, what would she have me do?’ Leaning forward and in softer tones, as if to make sure that no one could hear what she was about to say to her eldest daughter, she went on. ‘Why, I am here to help and advise you. I am in total support of you of course.’ I began to wring my hands in silence and thought on. Why was my mother all smiles? I could only guess at what she knew. Did she know of Dickon’s plans to marry me? My mother’s voice was now venomous. ‘You must only hope that Queen Anne’s end is very near and that the lords accept you as Richard’s new consort.’ I slumped down and a small tear trickled down my face and I buried my head in my hands as I began to sob without restraint. My mother tried to soothe me. ‘Why do you cry so? This should be a happy day for you could be Queen in a matter of months.’ Without hesitation, through glassy eyes, I blurted out my fear… ‘I believe… that I could be with child… for I have not had a monthly flux since October.’ My mother fell silent while she took in the enormity of what had been said. Finally she broke her silence. ‘We must keep this fact a secret. Does anyone else know?’ I looked at my mother through what were now reddened eyes. Trying to compose my self I began to breathe in long strangled gasps. ‘No…no one else knows.’ I could almost hear my mother’s mind working. ‘We must put pressure on Richard to marry you at once before it is too obvious that there is a child.’ My mother stood tall and puffed out her chest. A grin came over her face that I was all too familiar with, a look she always had when she had a scheme brewing in her head. ‘Do not worry my dear daughter; everything is going to be just fine.’ We hugged and I felt much needed relief; the stress upon me had become unbearable. At last my secret had been shared and now my mother knew the condition that had been tearing at me all this time, my mother knew my predicament.

Secret Son of York

Maureen Fairbank

#found this jem on kindle unlimited #my subscription just paid for itself #yasssss #Richard x Elizabeth #Elizabeth of York #Richard III #look #I know this is crackfic #but this is the scene and never got and always wanted in PG's series #Why she never had a scene with Richard and EoY I don't know but it makes me sad #prob bc the narration couldn't do that #eoy's story began at his death #but cmon at least a flashback?

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ohgodsnowwhat · 7 years ago

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Fantasy in Metal

Yes; I am posting my first fanfic after my second fanfic. I'm a rebel like that. I have also come to the conclusion that I suck at endings, which may be why I don't always finish what I start. Oh well. Please feel free to offer concrit. I'm not used to writing stuff that isn't one-on-one smut. Thanks to @neko-otaku13 for her encouragment on this!

The light had returned to Lucis – to all of Eos, for that matter. King Noctis and Lady Lunafreya, the Oracle, had passed over into the realm of much-deserved happily-ever-afterlife.

Prompto, Gladio, and Ignis, however….

Look, not even Astrals are perfect. Clerical errors happen.

****

“What do you mean, they’ve been reincarnated into another universe?” thundered Bahamut at the little fennec fox. “For their service, they should have been transported to the same region as King Noctis and Lady Luna!”

“I’m sure they’ll be fine; those guys always manage. Nothing to be too concerned about, but when their time is up here maybe, um, you can take a more personal interest to see that they get to the right place? I was supervising the moogles in charge of reassignment, and with the chocobos on strike there were some issues getting everyone to the office. We are lucky that there aren’t more souls floating around in Limbo!” Carbuncle looked up at the Draconian Astral, gulped nervously and said, “But of course I will supervise their next reassignment myself.”

“If they had been born into their new roles it wouldn’t be so bad,” offered Shiva, “but they have been, well, stuffed into pre-existing personas! This is a DISASTER!”

“At least they will be worshipped as gods in that realm,” put in Ramuh.

Titan sighed and poured himself another whiskey-and-soda.

****

Charles Offdensen pushed up his glasses and massaged the bridge of his nose. He had been going over the band’s financial statements when he was hit with the idea for a new recipe. This was odd because he didn’t cook; Jean-Pierre was more than adequate to fulfill his nutritional needs. “I must be working too hard,” he thought; when he was interrupted by another thought, this one in a more refined tone of voice: “Nonsense! It is a duty and privilege to serve one’s liege! And furthermore… One moment, where am I?”

****

Nathan Explosion was busy, working on the 67th of his hundred beers and putting the final touches on “Go Forth and Die”. Except… those weren’t the words he originally wrote, were they?

Trapped inside a crystal Ten long years Hiding from the world Forgotten by your peers

“Huh,” he growled, “sounds more like the plot of a video game. Well, these beers aren’t gonna drink themselves. New song idea: Self-drinking beer.”

****

Toki Wartooth was in his room, happily working on his model planes when a little voice in his head told him that he should see if there were any new pupper videos. Toki was okay with this, and hummed happily to himself as he flipped on YouTube. After about a half hour, the voice asked about video games, to which Toki replied, “We amsk gots a room full of video games! Is you my new friends in my heads, little voice? Is yous gots a names?” “Well,” the voice answered back, “I’m Prompto, but where am I and how did I get here?” “I don’tsk knows Promptos but let’s go play DDR! Yous is Toki’s friends now!”

****

Pickles noticed that there seemed to be something a little off about his manager and bandmates. Nathan was doing a lot more reading than drinking; although he still churned out songs unnaturally fast, now they were more about crystals, lost kings, and something called “chocobos”. The latter made Toki ecstatic and he would go on for hours about them. This was puzzling as Toki was known to have had an austere and abusive childhood, and whatever these “chocobos” were, Pickles was sure they weren’t native to Norway. Skwisgaar, as self-centered as he was, had mentioned that to Pickles. Sweden was practically Norway anyway, but Pickles knew if he said that, the blond guitar-slinger would retreat to his room for a week to get over his sulk with the assistance of various GMILFs. Normally that wouldn’t bother Offdensen, as he didn’t have to worry about paying for abortions or child support (Skwisgaar was SO. MUCH. CHEAPER in that regard than the rest of the band), but Pickles had noticed that Offdensen was now more prone to lecture the band about personal responsibility, hygiene, and the need to be cost-efficient. Well, he WAS their CFO, but he hadn’t minded before… Were they in financial trouble? Even countries went belly-up from time to time, and Dethklok’s income when ranked beside the GNP of other countries was at a healthy and respectable 7, so maybe…?

Pickles decided then and there to visit Charles Foster Offdensen in his office.

****

Murderface didn’t care. He drank another beer, belched, and scratched his belly over the “Pobody’s Nerfect” tattoo. That had been some night when he got that – too bad, he thought, that he didn’t remember it.

****

“Yo, Robot!” exclaimed Pickles as he burst into Offdensen’s office. “I been meanin’ to talk to you about how you’ve been acting lately and-” He came to a sudden stop as he took in Toki and Nathan already seated across from their manager, heads close together conspiratorially. “What is this? I know something has been going on, but this better not be fucking with our bread and butter here.”

“Ah, yes… Pickles…maybe it is time to explain,” came the odd cultured voice that had been emanating as of late from Offdensen. “From my observations, I believe you would have a better grasp of the situation than, say, Mr. Skwigelf or Mr. Murderface.”

“Yes, that is true,” came the more typical Offdensen voice. “Pickles does have a greater intellect than he lets on, despite the mass quantity of chemical substances he indulges with.”

Pickles was taken a bit aback and tried to recover as best he can. “This better not be some touchy-feely type of intervention, ya douchebags. Because that is so not metal.”

****

“Ignis”, as the cultured voice called itself, launched into an epic tale of kingdoms lost, love lost, Hell even daylight lost; lots of attacks from every angle, deep and mysterious dungeons filled with monsters and demons beyond imagination, and eventual redemption at the price of a blood sacrifice. When it came to drug-induced imaginings, no one – hands down – could come close to Pickles, which is what finally made Pickles realize that he was being told the truth. It also accounted for, he thought, a greater element of story-telling in Nathan’s lyrics recently (although he could do without the gothic romance stuff – so not metal).

The “Gladio” voice that resided in Nathan chimed in… well, more like “contra-bassooned” in - with “It’s not all bad; I think this could be fun for a bit. I’ve always liked writing poetry and I feel I am good at this songwriting. Not entirely sure what you and your resident blondie mean by “metal” but I’m sure I’ll pick it up. And women! And beer! I don’t have to stay sober and celibate all the damn time to watch over everyone else’s dumb asses!”

Toki’s resident “Prompto” piped up, “Yeah! It would be like totally cool to be rock stars! I…” and here the sunshine voice faltered and whispered, “I just wish Noct was here with us.”

The tone was so heartbreaking that even Pickles wanted to comfort Toki, much like Nathan and Offdensen were doing, even though he knew it was really the three specters within his friends that were engaged in a cuddlefest at the moment.

After a while, Pickles grew visibly uncomfortable at the snuggly intimacy before him. He cleared his throat. “Um, hey… so…like… Is there anything we can do to get you back to where you belong?”

Offdensen qua Offdensen shook himself loose from the huddle and said “Well, if Ishnifus were still with us, he would probably be able to help. I am the new High Holy Priest, but not all avenues are open to me yet. Right now, though, the only person who could possibly assist is the one person we are absolutely unable to turn to for help. Nathan, Toki – I am referring to Mr. Salacia. “

“You means the big creepy fella?” asked Toki. “The ones who tried to haves us killed?”

Nathan perked up. “Yeah, that guy is bad news. Probably at least as bad as if not worse than that Ardyn fellow you were telling us about.”

Here is where Pickles felt he could shine. “I have a better idea – Nathan, remember that tribe you are related to in South America? Honey Mangoes or something like that?”

“Yaneemango. Chief Otoe is my grandfather, but yeah, why – Oh. Yopo. That released our spirit animal forms, but – “

Here the “Ignis” voice jumped in. “What? That may be the answer. How can we best achieve this? I have noticed geography is vastly different than what we are used to, but I believe we can make it there from this Mordhaus of yours in a matter of 4 days, including stops for curatives and provisions. Prompto, Gladio, we must confer with our host bodies as it will be them bearing any physical discomfort caused by this experiment.”

Nathan qua Nathan softly growls “Close your eyes and become the animals that you once were… Yeah, I’m down for this. It was cool becoming an alligator. But we have to bring Murderface and Skwisgaar – you too, Pickles.”

“Like I would turn down a chance to be an octopus again? I could play drums and guitar at the same time.”

****

Ignis had no problems with traversing a rainforest. Neither did his fellow Crownsguard really; Prompto just liked to complain about his feet hurting and question if they were there yet with a whine in his voice. Quite the trouper, he was. But despite sharing hotel rooms and tents around Eos and being accustomed to the sight of each other’s bodies, at least while they had corporeal bodies, nothing could have prepared Ignis for Murderface splayed out on deck completely nude. It was a small relief that rest of the band felt the same way, since the retching noises did nothing to deter the bass player from sprawling naked on a lounge chair while reverentially whispering “Ah, freeballing”. Ignis supposed he should be grateful the man refrained from urinating over the side of the boat, after it was relayed to him by Skwisgaar how a fish called a “Candiru” managed to lodge itself in Murderface’s urethra the last time they made this journey. While Ignis respected Skwisgaar’s talent, he had a limited tolerance for the man, as aspects of his personality were too similar to Loqi Tummelt for his taste. He felt that in Charles Foster Offdensen, he found a kindred spirit. They would often have silent conversations about the importance of lighting, and what separates the good lamps from the cheap lamps.

Gladio-within-Nathan thought this was a fine adventure; very few critters were trying to kill him, and the resident large, spotted cats kept to themselves and didn’t throw lightning bolts with the wrath of Ramuh at him. He was also silently communing with Nathan, and wishing he could stay a little longer – beer, booze, women, fame, money, lack of people trying to murder you just for being associated with royalty – yeah, a guy could definitely get used to this.

Prompto liked Toki and could relate to the child-like nature of his host body; they had much in common. Animals, video games, models of aircraft (even though what Toki worked on was nothing like the aircraft Prompto was familiar with), not to mention a brutal and lonely childhood – Toki, much like Prompto himself, often exhibited a warm and cheerful exterior to hide the small, scared child inside. At least Toki had parents, but Prompto reflected that maybe having no parents was better than having parents that were outright cold and abusive. That clown, though… Prompto admitted to himself that Dr. Rockzo was on the creepy side, even for a clown; and that was saying something.

Offdensen genuinely liked and respected his spirit resident; he wished he had an army of Ignises around. He just wanted his body back with himself as the sole occupant.

Nathan thought Gladio was a bit of a tyrant with his extensive exercise regimen, but Nathan could appreciate the results in himself. For one thing, it extended the time he could go between liver transplants; for another, it gave him new perspectives and topics for writing songs. “Battle Coeurl” had gone quadruple platinum overnight! Dick Knubbler had practically came in his boxers when he heard that, and Abigail…. Nathan smiled slightly at the memory of Abigail practically dragging him to the floor for that one.

Toki was happy to have a new friend that liked the same things he did and could relate to a bad childhood. He felt sad at the prospect of losing Prompto, but he was excited to see if he would become a shamanistic bunny again.

Skwisgaar Skwigelf was completely unaware that anything had changed with either the robot or his bandmates. He continued running scales and arpeggios on his custom Thunderhorse and gloating to himself over how superior it was to Toki’s Snow Falcon. He experienced mild disappointment when Toki didn’t play “Stops Copies Me” at the gear library, something Pickles called “sporting goods store, ya douchebag – and now my blood sugar’s low again.”

Pickles was at a bit of a loss. He kind of wanted to have a spirit buddy to talk with, but at the same time he didn’t think he was ready for that kind of intimacy. He was actually pleased; he had been looking for a reason to go back down for another dose of Yopo, but it would have been awkward dropping in on his bandmate’s relatives without Nathan in tow. If he’s gonna die, might as well die high!

Murderface napped, occasionally belching and scratching himself in awkward places in his sleep. He was looking forward to being a white tiger again; as a bass player he didn’t get a lot of respect, but as a tiger? Wow! No one would dare turn a tiger down in the mix, or have the lead guitar player (that damn Skwisgaar!) record new notes over a tiger’s bass leads!

****

Both Offdensen and Ignis thought having hordes of Klokateers drag their boat over a mountain and through the jungle was a bit excessive, but not a single member of Dethklok showed any inclination of making the final trek under their own power. Gladio was fuming and silently berating Nathan for this lack of industry, and Prompto and Toki were too caught up in playing “I Spy” to pay attention.

They knew they had reached their destination when they found themselves surrounded by spears, which were lowered as the Yaneemango tribe recognized the faces on the mountain. Offdensen found he was able communicate their issues to the shaman, having briefly studied the tribe’s language after the last time the band ran off to experience Yopo. The shaman had recognized quickly that there were foreign spirits residing within, and agreed to perform the Yopo ceremony to attempt to free them.

****

“BOSS!” yelled a moogle to Carbuncle, “You gotta come here, Kupo! This realm where Noct’s entourage ended up is going to try to separate their souls, Kupo!”

Carbuncle scurried to the moogle viewing device as fast as his four furry feet could carry him. ��Quick! Patch me through to Bahamut!” The communication device crackled to life. “This had better be important,” came the deep voice over the speaker. “Sir! The primitives are going to try separating their souls from their bodies! Can you please lend your assistance?”

In less than the time it took to blink an eye, Bahamut was in the control room. He didn’t feel there was anything he could do, but it would let the moogles feel as though everything was in order. He wondered for a moment if it was blasphemous on some level for an Astral to pray.

****

The fires were lit, the chanting had begun. The shaman blew Yopo into the faces of Dethklok and their manager/CFO/legal advisor/High Holy Priest of the Church of the Black Klok. From their bodies rose the form of a hawk (Skwisgaar), white tiger (Murderface), octopus (Pickles)… and instead of an alligator and a rabbit from Nathan and Toki, there were the ghostly figures of a mountain of a man with long dark hair, glowing amber eyes, and chiseled abs; a fluffy-headed blond with eyes like a sunny afternoon and a smattering of freckles, and drifting over from Offdensen was the figure of a tall, lean man with glowing green eyes and medium brown hair; although they could see remnants of massive scarring around his eyes, he had the most beautiful smile and he gazed peacefully back. The three linked hands, slowly dissipating into small blue glowing orbs, then a sudden flash of light as –

****

The moogle crew, Carbuncle, and even Bahamut were whooping it up in the control room. It was a success! Souls retrieved and Bahamut made a mental note to add a paycheck bonus for all those involved. Even himself.

****

The three Crownsguard found themselves abruptly in what looked like the throne room of the Citadel, before Niflheim attacked. Prompto was the first to recover, yelling “NOCT!!!!” as he barreled up the stairs and was met by a charging King Noctis, wrapping their arms around each other, swiftly followed by Ignis and Gladio. Tears were shed, and no one spoke – or could speak – for the longest time. There was no need. They were home.

#FFXV #Dethklok #metalocalypse #Ignis is SO Charles Foster Offdensen or maybe he's Ignis

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kartiavelino · 6 years ago

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Before wrapping up this roller coaster year, test how much you remember (even if you’d rather forget).

1. What film made essentially the most dough within the U.S. this yr with out that includes superheroes? A. “Jurassic World: Fallen Kingdom” B. “Mission: Not possible – Fallout” C. “Solo: A Star Wars Story” 2. Which Drake tune impressed the yr’s greatest viral dance problem? A. “God’s Plan” B. “Good for What” C. “In My Emotions” 3. What did stars don on the Golden Globes crimson carpet in honor of Time’s Up? A. White ribbons B. All black C. Pink roses 4. What TV present was cancelled by one broadcast community and picked up by one other within the span of 31 hours? A. “Brooklyn 9-9” B. “Final Man Standing” C. “Lucifer” 5. The Tony Awards’ Greatest Musical, “The Band’s Go to,” is a couple of band visiting the place? A. Egypt B. Saudi Arabia C. Israel 6. Which artist paid tribute to Prince through the Tremendous Bowl halftime present? A. Janet Jackson B. Justin Timberlake C. Aerosmith 7. Glenn Weiss, who proposed to his girlfriend through the Emmys, had simply received an award for guiding what? A. “The Crown” B. “The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel” C. The Oscars 8. What was so terrifying in regards to the monsters within the hit horror flick “A Quiet Place”? A. They discover individuals who make any noise B. They’re completely silent C. They aim libraries 9. Which artist swept the Grammys with wins within the tune, report and album of the yr classes? A. Jay-Z B. Bruno Mars C. Ed Sheeran 10. Which Hollywood Chris went full frontal, stripping down for Netflix film “The Outlaw King”? A. Chris Pine B. Chris Pratt C. Chris Hemsworth 11. What equipment triggered a significant tragedy on “That is Us”? A. A microwave B. A blender C. A sluggish cooker 12. Which character wasn’t in “Avengers: Infinity Conflict”? A. Hawkeye B. Star-Lord C. Spider-Man 13. What’s the identify of the fictional pop star Woman Gaga performed in “A Star is Born”? A. Stefani B. Ally C. Joanne 14. Within the most-liked Instagram publish of all time, Kylie Jenner revealed what? A. Her new butt B. Her new lips C. Her new child 15. One of many predominant characters within the 2018 Nationwide E-book Award winner “The Buddy,” by Sigrid Nunez, is: A. A llama B. A snake C. A Nice Dane 16. The place did the disgraced Louis C.Ok. make his controversial, unannounced return to comedy in NY? A. Carolines on Broadway B. The Comedy Cellar C. Gotham Comedy Membership 17. Which “Incredibles 2” character memorably fought a raccoon? A. Elastigirl B. Jack-Jack C. Edna Mode 18. What did “The Bachelor” Arie Luyendyk Jr. do toupset the present’s followers? A. Refused to suggest to any of the contestants B. Proposed to 1 contestant, then broke it off for one more C. Spoiled the season’s ending on social media 19. What’s the identify of the Ok-Pop group that bought out its first ever U.S. stadium present at Citi Area? A. EXO B. GOT7 C. BTS 20. Which of those celebs wasn’t one of many many who appeared in Maroon 5’s “Ladies Like You” billion-view video? A. Ellen DeGeneres B. Camila Cabello C. Reese Witherspoon Leisure solutions: 1. A; 2. C; 3. B; 4. A; 5. C; 6. B; 7. C; 8. A; 9. B; 10. A; 11. C; 12. A; 13. B; 14. C; 15. C; 16. B; 17. B; 18. B; 19. C; 20. C NY Submit photograph composite 1. Aretha Franklin’s physique was transported in the identical hearse that carried who? A. Rosa Parks B. Whitney Houston C. Ray Charles 2. Which style home designed Meghan Markle’s wedding ceremony costume? A. Givenchy B. Valentino C. Oscar de la Renta 3. Whom did Justin Bieber marry? A. Selena Gomez B. Hailey Baldwin C. Eire Baldwin 4. What did ill-fated couple Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson identify their pet pig? A. Bacony Rogers B. Piggy Smallz C. Jon Hamm 5. What’s the actual identify of Ted Cruz’s former opponent Beto O’Rourke? A. Betford B. Robert C. Alberto 6. The feud between dueling rap queens got here to a literal head at a New York Vogue Week occasion when Cardi B threw what at Nicki Minaj? A. A handbag B. A martini glass C. A shoe 7. What did troubled SpaceX CEO Elon Musk shoot into house? A. A crimson Tesla roadster B. A Hyperloop prepare automobile C. A baby-size submarine 8. The tour for Michelle Obama’s best-selling guide, “Turning into,” didn’t characteristic which superstar moderator: A. Sarah Jessica Parker B. Tracee Ellis Ross C. Martha Stewart 9. Why did the Mets give Matt Harvey the boot? A. He was out partying with mannequin Adriana Lima the night time earlier than a bullpen look B. He wanted Tommy John surgical procedure C. He refused a minor league task 10. Whom did Folks journal identify the yr’s “Sexiest Man Alive”? A. Blake Shelton B. Donald Glover C. Idris Elba 11. What number of days separated the suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain? A. 1 B. 2 C. 3 12. When Harvey Weinstein surrendered to the NYPD on sexual-assault fees, he carried a biography about who? A. Elia Kazan B. Gandhi C. John F. Kennedy Jr. 13. Donald Trump Jr.’s alleged mistress Aubrey O’Day is a member of what previously profitable lady group? A. Danity Kane B. The Pussycat Dolls C. Dream 14. Who turned the primary brazenly homosexual American to medal on the winter Olympics? A. Adam Rippon B. Gus Kenworthy C. Eric Radford 15. Kim Kardashian satisfied President Trump to commute the life sentence of Alice Marie Johnson, who was locked up for: A. Drug and money-laundering fees B. A homicide she didn’t commit C. Leaking authorities secrets and techniques 16. Whom did President Donald Trump pardon? A. Martha Stewart B. Dinesh D’Souza C. Rod Blagojevich 17. What’s the nickname of the chef behind Midtown steakhouse Nusr-Et? A. Scorching Stuff B. Posh Spice C. Salt Bae 18. Actor Geoffrey Owens, who performed Elvin on “The Cowby Present,” was job-shamed for working the place? A. Goal B. Dealer Joe’s C. Walmart 19. What place is William and Kate’s new child Prince Louis in line for the throne? A. Third B. Fourth C. Fifth 20. How outdated was Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez when she upset 10-term incumbent Joe Crowley within the Democratic main for New York’s 14th Congressional District? A. 25 B. 28 C. 31 Folks solutions: 1. A; 2. A; 3. B; 4. B; 5. B; 6. C; 7. A; 8. C; 9. C; 10. C; 11. C; 12. A; 13. A; 14. A; 15. A; 16. B; 17. C; 18. B; 19. C; 20. B In a January tweet, President Trump known as himself “a really secure _____”: A. Genius B. Commander C. Zillionaire 2. “Megyn Kelly In the present day” was canceled following the host’s feedback about blackface, together with asking: A. “What’s blackface?” B. “What’s racist?” C. “Who’s black Santa?” 3. Throughout a Senate Judiciary Committee listening to, what did Brett Kavanaugh say he “favored” and nonetheless likes? A. Wine B. Tequila C. Beer 4. What’s the rallying catchphrase from “Black Panther,” the highest-grossing film within the US this yr? A. “Wakanda endlessly!” B. “Rise and resist!” C. “Panther energy!” 5. When Gov. Cuomo stated, “Can you cease interrupting?” to election opponent Cynthia Nixon throughout a debate, how did she reply? A. “Can you cease mendacity?” B. “Can you settle down?” C. “Are you a Carrie, Samantha, Charlotte or Miranda?” 6. Roseanne Barr blamed what drug for the racist tweet that obtained her hit sitcom revival canceled? A. Ambien B. Xanax C. Klonopin 7. Through the closing ladies’s tennis match of the US Open, what did Serena Williams name the umpire who gave her some extent penalty? A. “A thief” B. “A fraud” C. “A humiliation” 8. In her tell-all, Stormy Daniels in contrast President Trump’s member to “the mushroom character in” what? A. VeggieTales B. Mario Kart C. “Alice in Wonderland” 9. When Invoice de Blasio was confronted by a homeless activist on the Park Slope Y, how did the mayor reply? A. “I’m in the course of doing my exercise. Sorry, I can’t do this now.” B. “I’m as soon as once more working late to a press convention, can’t speak.” C. “Take a quantity, sweetheart.” 10. Who stated, “I might say that I’m essentially the most bullied individual on the world”? A. Lindsay Lohan B. Melania Trump C. Gwyneth Paltrow 11. Rudy Giuliani raised eyebrows when he declared, “Reality isn’t ____”: A. Truth B. Relevance C. Reality 12. What did Oprah Winfrey say she wouldn’t do, explaining, “It will kill me”? A. Revive her speak present B. Run for president in 2020 C. Host the Oscars 13. On the White Home correspondents’ dinner, what did Michelle Wolf say Sarah Huckabee Sanders does after “she burns information”? A. “Makes use of that ash to create an ideal smoky eye” B. “Burns all her hideous attire” C. “Pours Trump model wine over the fireplace” 14. Whereas visiting TMZ headquarters, what did Kanye West name “a alternative”? A. Gender B. Slavery C. Rape 15. After Invoice Cosby was discovered responsible on three counts of indecent aggravated assault, what did he yell on the prosecutor who deemed him a flight danger? A. “He doesn’t have a aircraft, you a–gap!” B. “Hey, hey, hey!” C. “And I might have gotten away with it, too, if it weren’t for you meddling children!” 16. Which of those was not one of many two phrases folks heard within the viral audio debate? A. “Laurel” B. “Beyoncé” C. “Yanny” 17. Who started an Oscar acceptance speech by joking, “I did all of it on my own”? A. Frances McDormand B. Sam Rockwell C. Allison Janney 18. Which of those was not a reputation Paul McCartney stated was yelled out whereas he and John Lennon masturbated in a gaggle collectively? A. Brigitte Bardot B. Catherine Deneuve C. Winston Churchill 19. One month earlier than Demi Lovato was hospitalized for an overdose, she launched a ballad with the lyric, “I’m so sorry, I’m not ___ anymore”: A. Glad B. Making music C. Sober 20. Who defended the separation of immigrant households by invoking the Apostle Paul’s “command in Romans 13, to obey the legal guidelines of the federal government as a result of God has ordained them for the aim of order.” A. Mike Pence B. Mitch McConnell C. Jeff Periods Quotes solutions: 1. A; 2. B; 3. C; 4. A; 5. A; 6. A; 7. A; 8. B; 9. A; 10. B; 11. C; 12. B; 13. A; 14. B; 15. A; 16. B; 17. C; 18. B; 19. C; 20. C NY Submit photograph comoposite 1. Norway took house essentially the most medals through the 2018 Winter Olympics. What number of? A. 31 B. 39 C. 42 2. Through the World Cup, this nation’s uniform bought out and have become a streetwear hit? A. United States B. Portugal C. Nigeria 3. Mets ace Jacob de Grom received this yr’s Nationwide League Cy Younger Award regardless of having the fewest wins of any beginning Cy Younger pitcher in historical past. What number of did he have? A. 11 B. 7 C. 10 4. When Redskins quarterback Alex Smith broke his leg throughout a sport, there have been many eerie coincidences to which former Skins’ quarterback’s career-ending harm? A. Kirk Cousins B. Joe Theismann C. Robert Griffin III 5. Though France received the 2018 World Cup, which prolific scorer took house the Golden Boot? A. Croatia’s Luka Modric B. Argentina’s Lionel Messi C. England’s Harry Kane 6. At an April sport, what landed on Seattle Mariners pitcher James Paxton through the Nationwide Anthem? A. A bald eagle B. a bag of peanuts C. Robinson Cano’s batting glove 7. A video of which broadcaster dribbling a basketball behind her again went viral as she was inducted into the basketball corridor of fame? A. Doris Burke B. Michelle Beadle C. Lisa Salter 8. Throughout this yr’s NCAA males’s basketball match, which crew beat Virginia, making it the primary time {that a} No. 16 seed defeated a No. 1 seed? A. Kansas State B. Villanova C. College of Maryland — Baltimore County 9. The Washington Capitals received the Stanley Cup Championship and Alexander Ovechkin was named match MVP. What did he lose within the course of? A. His Stanley Cup successful game- worn jersey B. Each face-off C. His entrance tooth 10. Who was the NFL’s first rookie to ever have 200-plus rushes and greater than 80 catches? A. Nick Chubbs of the Browns B. Saquon Barkley of the Giants C. Sony Michel of the Patriots 11. After the Philadelphia Eagles received their first Tremendous Bowl, the town did this to gentle poles so followers couldn’t climb them throughout celebrations: A. Greased them with Crisco B. Sprayed them with hydraulic fluid C. Rubbed them with Philly cheesesteak grease 12. The Philadelphia Flyers launched a mascot named Gritty, who broke the Web when he reenacted what notorious journal cowl? A. The palms over Janet Jackson’s naked breasts for Rolling Stone B. Muhammed Ali being shot with arrows for Esquire C. Kim Kardashian’s Paper Journal cowl with the gravity-defying champagne pour 13. Which younger athlete didn’t discover himself in scorching water after tweets from his teen years surfaced? A. Josh Allen B. Donte Divcenzo C. Deyandre Ayton 14. When Jets rookie quarterback Sam Darnold took his first snap as an NFL quarterback, he did this: A. Threw a 30-yard landing move B. Fumbled C. Threw a choose six 15. Which California teen snowboarder captured America’s coronary heart through the Pyeongchang Olympics, the place she received the gold medal in halfpipe? A. Chloe Kim B. Lindsey Vonn C. Micahela Shriffin 16. Former UFC star Ronda Rousey made her debut as what in April? A. Carl’s Jr. spokesmodel B. WWE wrestler C. NASCAR driver 17. In June, thoroughbred Justify captured the Triple Crown — three years after what horse received the coveted mantel and broke a 37-year drought? A. Seattle Slew B. American Pharoah C. Firing Line 18. Which NBA famous person revealed he thought-about signing with the Knicks? A. Steph Curry B. James Harden C. Lebron James 19. When Tiger Woods received the Participant’s Championship in September, it was his first tour win in 5 years. What number of match wins does Woods now have? A. 75 B. 83 C. 80 20. Over the past season, Yankees slugger Giancarlo Stanton made headlines for sharing an condo with which participant from the Mets? A. Mike Conforto B. Wilmer Flores C. AJ Ramos Sports activities solutions: 1. B; 2. C; 3. C; 4. B; 5. C; 6. A; 7. A; 8. C; 9. C; 10. B; 11. B; 12. C; 13. C; 14. C; 15. A; 16. B; 17. B; 18. C; 19. C; 20. C NY Submit photograph comoposite 1. Who didn’t go away, or announce that they’re leaving, the Trump administration this yr? A. Hope Hicks, White Home Director of Communications B. Rob Porter, White Home Employees Secretary C. Kellyanne Conway, Counselor to the President 2. A boys’ soccer crew was rescued after being trapped in a flooded Thailand cave for 18 days. What was the identify of their crew? A. The Crows B. The Wild Boars C. The Cheetahs 3. What retail model made the $39 jacket emblazoned with “I actually don’t care, do u?” that Melania Trump wore as she traveled to fulfill detained immigrant children in Texas? A. H&M B. Zara C. Hole 4. What had been snooty canine house owners had been of getting hijacked for a non-public kennel membership in Tribeca? A. A public park B. The alley behind Taylor Swift’s condo C. The outdated Nobu location 5. The place did Hurricane Florence trigger essentially the most harm within the US? A. Florida and Georgia B. North and South Carolinas C. Virginia and Maryland 6. What Gov. Cuomo resolution almost value New Yorkers $14 million? A. Including blue and gold tiles to 2 metropolis tunnels B. Constructing a helipad for Jeff Bezos C. Putting in lots of of “I NY” freeway indicators 7. Actress Allison Mack was arrested on fees of intercourse trafficking, intercourse trafficking conspiracy, and compelled labor conspiracy in relation to her function within the Nxivm cult. On what TV present was she a solid member? A. “Smallville” B. “Charmed” C. “One Tree Hil 8. A New Jersey couple was accused of bilking a homeless man by way of what website: A. PayPal B. Twitter C. GoFundMe 9. The place did Trump and Kim Jong-un have the first-ever assembly between sitting leaders of the US and North Korea? A. Washington, DC B. Pyongyang, North Korea C. Sentosa, Singapore 10. What iconic NY diner closed after a 28-year run? A. Westway Diner B. The Espresso Store C. Kellogg’s Diner 11. Within the notorious photograph of a Honduran mom working along with her two 5-year-old daughters from tear gasoline on the Mexico-US border, what was on her shirt? A. An American flag B. Anna and Elsa from “Frozen” C. A crucifix 12. Why was California’s Camp Hearth known as that? A. It was began by a gaggle of backpacking campers B. It started at an deserted summer- camp facility C. It started on Camp Creek Street 13. What cleansing provide did teenagers flip right into a viral snack? A. Daybreak dish cleaning soap B. Tide Pods C. Brawny paper towels 14. The world’s final male of what subspecies died this yr? A. Northern white rhino B. Bornean orangutan C. Amur leopard 15. Fb CEO Mark Zuckerberg testified in entrance of Congress after it was revealed that which political consulting agency had harvested knowledge from up to 87 million accounts? A. Oxford Analytica B. Cambridge Analytica C. Imperial Analytica 16. What was the controversial theme of this yr’s Met Gala? A. Heavenly Our bodies: Vogue and the Catholic Creativeness B. Majesty and Poverty: The Financial Hole C. Hacking the Hackers: A Tribute to Russia 17. What did Meghan McCain use her speech at her father John’s funeral to do? A. Trounce Sarah Palin B. Promote “The View” C. Rebuke Trump 18. In what month did the primary tremendous blue blood moon in 35 years happen? A. January B. February C. March 19. What nation abolished time period limits on its presidency? A. China B. Russia C. Iraq 20. What New York landmark did a girl climb to protest Trump’s “zero tolerance” immigration coverage? A. The Empire State Constructing B. The Statue of Liberty C. St. Patrick’s Cathedral Present occasions solutions: 1. C; 2. B; 3. B; 4. A; 5. B; 6. C; 7. A; 8. C; 9. C; 10. B; 11. B; 12. C; 13. B; 14. A; 15. B; 16. A; 17. C; 18. A; 19. A; 20. B Share this: https://nypost.com/2018/12/22/before-wrapping-up-this-roller-coaster-year-test-how-much-you-remember-even-if-youd-rather-forget/ The post Before wrapping up this roller coaster year, test how much you remember (even if you’d rather forget). appeared first on My style by Kartia. https://www.kartiavelino.com/2018/12/before-wrapping-up-this-roller-coaster-year-test-how-much-you-remember-even-if-youd-rather-forget.html

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