#kinda went on a tangent there for a sec but it’s ok I got back on track

[5millioncatipilars]

Ok y’all I need

anime recommendations

(Non anime recommendations also encouraged)

Why?

I’m between hyperfixations and starting to Feel it

But I’m a picky bitch so here are my requirements

Fantasy world bc I deal with enough real life as it is. Modern day fantasy is fine too.

I need the angst. Either tragic backstory or future angst or ongoing I need it.

But not all angst of course bc it hits different when the person with all the angst is also the entire shows source of sunlight.

Preferably no annoying uwu damsel in distress with the overly high pitched voice. Strong women only bc I am a proud simp and need a woman to step on my neck, but I prefer male characters anyway.

Angst please. I have an aching void in my soul that craves to be filled with nothing but sadness and will continue to keep me up at night until I am crying over someone’s pain other than my own.

At the same time I will accept shows where nothing ever changes and everything is just fine and the mc is so op that nothing can bring harm to them or their world bc my life is currently in turmoil and I would love to see one that isn’t.

Nothing too long bc I’m not ready for that kind of commitment. Also those 12-24 episode anime are some of the best out there.

The art style has to be good bc I’m not going to stare at something for multiple hours a day that isn’t pretty.

Subbed or dubbed does not matter to me.

If the manga is better I will not be reading it bc books are expensive and I don’t like reading on my phone or computer.

Not in movie form bc I don’t have the attention span for that.

When I say angst I mean the kind of stuff you can’t find in American tv shows. Have any of y’all watched Saiyuki? I’m talking watch the fist season then go watch Gaiden kind of angst. I’m talking worse than any ghibli movie kind of angst. I’m talking needs a CW but there’s not even that much violence or blood type angst. I’m talking will make me rethink my life choices and better me as a person type of angst. I’m talking you’re surprised that mc didn’t turn into a villain type angst.

Speaking of Saiyuki, that’s a perfect example. All happy go lucky, basically the same story every episode, everyone’s having a good time, then Boom! Gaiden! Angst! Then back to our regularly scheduled program, then Boom! Reminder of angst!

No romance bc I am asexual and that shit is icky

Anime I’ve watched that I liked to give you a reference

Saiyuki

Chrono Crusade

Cashern Sins

Durarara

Trigun

Legend of legendary heroes

Blue exorcist

Inuyasha

Wolf’s Rain

Dramatical Murder (don’t watch the OVAs trust me)

Castlevania

Saiki K

Anime I didn’t like

Sword art online

7 deadly sins

Bleach

One peice

Naruto

Fairy tale

FMA (past a certain point)

Soul eater (liked it then, not so much now)

Non anime previous hyperfixations include, but not limited to:

DSMP

Bucky Barnes (specifically)

Danny Phantom

Rangers apprentice

D&D

Detroit Become Human

Renaissance faire

Six of crows (the book)

The last airbender (but not legend of Kora)

Invader Zim (much angst potential there if you look)

Merlin (BBC)

Good Omens

I have drained these fandoms of all of their content and the void demands something new to feast upon.

Tldr: I need angsty shows to watch pls.

[a3hastakenovermylife]

Hey there! Coming for the ask game for 2, 45 and 49 please💕 Hope you're doing well too love!

Oh, wow I really wasn’t expecting to get any asks!!!! Thank you so much!

2) Favorite Troupe

I love all of the troupes, I really do. However, I really am partial to Autumn Troupe. As much as I’d loved the upbeat nature of the story when it came to Summer and Spring Troupes, I am WEAK for people with complicated or dark past lives trying to turn over a new leaf. (and the idea that those dark pasts could come back to haunt them at any time and maybe pull the troupe into danger excites me)

Actually, I’m weak for Hurt/Comfort in general, and something about the whole way the portraits were set up and treated by the game left me with so much FUEL.

Like ok, TAICHI.  I seriously love Taichi’s whole character arc, I also seriously love how protective Autumn troupe, and specifically Banri and Juza get towards him after they hear the whole story, ok.  When Beni shows up at their closing night, and Taichi tries to stand up to him, and Juza and Banri chewing him out.  That made me so happy, just SO happy.

I also love Juza, like the poor baby.  He just wants some friends dammit.  (I seriously love imagining what would happen if one of the punks who likes to target him took a cheap shot and went for Muku or Kumon instead.  Can I see Juza in berserk protect mode please?). Also, he’s just such a sweet guy, I mean this figuratively AND literally.  Give him all the pudding he wants, he deserves it.

Like the other troupes had one or two characters with traits like that, and I love them. It’s just that, as a whole, Autumn troupe really makes me happy

(like I was enamored with the idea that Citron was a runaway prince with spies after him for a while)

(Also does anyone else remember that scene that Misumi like got startled but the Director and pinned her in a hold for just a sec because I THINK ABOUT THAT A LOT)(wait a sec I remember reading that in game, I swear.  But, I just reread the whole summer episode and I literally couldn’t find it? I’m afraid I might be going insane, now. )(Does anybody else remember this happening because now I’m really curious what chapter it was?)

(also my crazy imagination running away with the idea that Tenma’s dad literally punched him, though that was before I started reading the Rookie arc for Summer.   I might still write something about them later...)

(Yeah, I really like Summer Troupe too if you can't tell...)

PLUS, their VOICES are so deep. 

I love.

Every.  

Single.  

One.  

Of their songs. 

I could listen to Banri’s raspy friggin’ voice all day, and Juza’s deep voice harmonizes so well with Banri’s. I want to scream.

45) Did your favorite character/troupe change since you started the game?

Ah, well my favorite character and troupe pretty much changed as soon as I first meet a new character. At least with the first three troupes, I was always convinced that nothing could top how much I loved the previous troupe when I started a new chapter, but the game ALWAYS surprised me.

The only troupe that kinda disappointed me was Winter troupe, but that’s mostly because I’m not a huge fan of Tsumugi. Like I love him, I just feel that his character was not nearly as well developed as the other leads, in fact, I feel like Tasuku would have been a better fit for the lead of that troupe, he has a much more interesting character arc, especially when he has to confront the fact that he hurt Tsumugi and apologize to him.

I just always felt that if you took away his friendship with Tasuku, there wasn’t much to Tsumugi. His character is almost built around Takuku’s character arc and the rest of him just feels fake, I guess? Not that Tsumugi is faking it, just that the character traits they chose for him seeem like they have little to no motivation or reasoning behind them, so he doesn’t feel as real as the other leads. It would be fine if he were a side character, but not as the lead.  

That’s why I’m a bit disappointed, like it would even be something if he showed more than token regret for leaving theatre for as long as he did, but he seems more upset about the fact that Tasuku is upset with him, than the fact that he quit doing what he loved for years. Like, it might be too similar to Sakyo’s arc in that respect, but I would have still been fine with it, especially because Tsumugi had his own reasons for leaving theatre, that are different enough from Sakyo's that I would have been satisfied.  

Anyway, I’m getting way off topic.

My favorite character has waffled like crazy too, its just like the header of my blog says, I love them ALL.  Its a bit overwhelming because I’ve never had this experience before, like I always latch on to a character or two and tolerate the rest for most fandoms I’m in.  

Like, at first, I adored Tsuzuru, like he was so friggin’ relatable, and hardworking and earnest that I loved him, I also loved how he was the big brother character.  Though, Itaru was a close second.

Then, it was Misumi.  I got seriously obsessed with Misumi for a while, he was so adorable and honest, and oblivious sometimes that I also sorta related to him, plus his voice is so adorable.  However, Tenma took over after I saw him get punched by his dad and he took over for that troupe from there.  I didn’t really appreciate Kazunari until I came back and reread his parts in the story, I missed some of the nuance of his small arc in my first read through.

THEN, Autumn troupe destroyed me.  DESTROYED ME, and I’m not even kidding. Like I literally hated Banri at first, though really, who among us didn’t at the start of all this.  I mean he was such a little shit for like the first third of the Autumn Troupe’s arc.  I was also on the fence at the beginning with Taichi, like I had like two SSR cards of him by this point so I knew who he was and he just seemed like an off-brand Kazunari to me, but that’s before I started reading so...

Anyway, but otherwise, right at the start of Autumn Troupe’s arc I had THREE FAVORITES just after auditions.  I’d really been looking forward to Sakyo joining, because he was the first SSR that I’d gotten, and immediately I remembered him from episode one and I got excited.   

Also, Omi just immediately appealed to me, the very second I first saw his dumb little confused face (you know the one), I was like ‘I love this man’ and that was the end of it.  Plus, I was getting serious big bro energy from him.  Juza also immediately appealed to me as well, he was just this intense guy but he was so earnest in the beginning that I really took a liking to him right off the bat.  He just felt like a gentle giant, he looks scary but in the way he acted you could just tell that that wasn't really him.

49) Any favorite quotes/trivia?

(not sure how much of this applies as trivia, I think I’ll do my favorite quote post later tho, I just don't have time at this exact second)

I love Sakyo popping bubble wrap, just going to put that out there.

I love the idea that Itaru just uses Sakuya as his personal gatcha drawer, that's just so cute to me.

I love the idea that Tenma literally has no sense of direction.

I love the Mankai Mahjong Club, and literally everything it entails.  

I love the Minagi family and I need more content with them, (thank you A3 anime).

BANRI AND TENMA GOING TO KAREOKE 

(^^ I don't know why I love this but I do)

Muku and Sakyo reading Shoujou manga together.  (It’s just too cute that Sakyo gave in after Muku started berating himself for even deciding to ask, I mean seriously it melts my heart every time I think about it.)

I think that's about it.  Sorry this is so long, and my thoughts are definitely jumbled, because I should definitely be doing schoolwork right now...

BUT THANKS FOR THE ASK!  I had a lot of fun answering these, and I definately went on a few tangents there, but I hope you enjoy it.  If anybody have any follow up questions either that's cool too!

[merinnan]

DMBJ Ep 5

We start episode 5 with the Xiaoge Rescue Count at 6 for Wu Xie, and 7 total.

- Pangzi just sitting there eating while they go to dig an evil bug out of A-Ning 

- A-Ning is luckier than Pan Zi, though, having it in her leg rather than in her gut 

- Should I consider this part of the Xiaoge Rescue Count? Technically he is saving A-Ning here, but does she count?

- Fuck it. There's now 3 Xiaoge Rescue Count categories: Wu Xie, the protagonists as a whole, and everyone 

- So the count is now 6 for Wu Xie, 7 for the protagonists, and 8 for everyone 

- That was a relatively painless bug removal. Probably helped that A-Ning was unconscious 

  - That's a large hole left in her thigh. Speaking from experience, standing & walking are not going to be fun for her for a LONG time. 

- But this is a cdrama, so she'll be fine within an ep or two 

- lol, I've never seen an unconscious person with this level of muscle control

- Wu Xie, you don't just wrap a bandage around a wound like that! Dress it first! 

- But, again, it's a TV show, so a bandage will be fine 

- JESUS CHRIST PANGZI 

- LOL, yes, shhhh, Pangzi. Shhhh. 

 - Pan Zi's looking a lot better this ep 

- ...what's wrong, Wu Xie?

- Aaaand he just passed out. 

- Xiaoge actually looks mildly disturbed. I think this is the second most amount of emotion we've seen from him so far 

- That looks like a nasty bite 

- Oh, we're just gonna...feed him blood. That's what we're going. 

- And it woke him up

- Okay, so Xiaoge Rescue Count is now 7 for Wu Xie, 8 for the protagonists, and 9 for everyone 

- Fortunately, Xiaoge hasn't lost as much blood as he did last time he used it for magic rescue purposes. Last thing they'd want is a comatose Xiaoge down here

- Everyone is just so chill whenever Xiaoge does weird stuff, it's great 

- Aaah, I was wondering how he'd been bitten, since I didn't remember a bug biting him. I forgot that A-Ning did 

- That's some odd poison if it got into her saliva just because she had a bug in her leg

- GDI Pangzi 

 - Of course the cure is in the tomb, and of course Xiaoge knows about it 

- LOL, there's a vaccine against the poison gas 

- Oooh, I was wondering when the dudes in the trees were gonna make their move. Poor Wu Xie's friend. He really would have been safer in the tomb, huh

- Hahah, why are the bad guys treating Wu Xie like the leader when he's just a uni student? 

- Ooh, who did that? 

 - Oh, Wu Xie's friend. Good boy. I mean, it was dumb, but brave. Now they can't use you against your friends. 

- Poor Wu Xie is so woozy he's not sure what happened

- Yeah, figured it was some more of A-Ning's friends 

- YOU LOSE CONTACT, & YOU LOSE CONTACT, & EVERYONE LOSES CONTACT! YAAAAY! 

- Get out before nightfall. Isn't that what Xiaoge said, too? 

- Yeah, abandoned in a forest at night doesn't sound like fun

- She should NOT be walking that well, although at least it is showing her limping and in pain instead of just okay 

- God, Pangzi, that was a dick move 

- And that was even more of one 

- Wow. I...don't really like this Pangzi. Those things he just did were actively cruel, even if she is an antagonist

- It's blocked? Yeah, ya think? 

- Oh, STFU Pangzi 

- Pan Zi looking at him like "I really regret not shooting you properly when I had the chance" 

- Xiaoge doing this "stab fingers STRAIGHT INTO MORTAR and remove the brick" trick again 

- The look on Pangzi's face is pure gold

- Had to pause watching for a sec to think about why I'm so mad at this Pangzi and more forgiving of Liu Sang in Chongqi. I think it's because Liu Sang intended to pull a prank. A mean prank, but he lacked the experience to understand that it was actively harmful and dangerous. It went wrong, and then he freaked because of that lack of experience and didn't know what to do/say until Xiaoge pushed him. And then he tried to help make up for it. Whereas this Pangzi did things that he knew would cause real physical pain to A-Ning and potentially worsen her injury just because he doesn't like her, and he doesn't seem to care or even give that a second thought, let alone look like he's going to apologise or try to make up for it. 

- OK, mini-rant over, back to the episode.

- Gratuitous Xiaoge side-profile pic just because

- And now Pangzi is gonna embarrass himself by trying & failing to be Xiaoge 

- YEAH CHENGCHENG I WONDER HOW THEY KNOW YOUR NAMES 

- Okay, I gotta stop to look up his name. I can't keep calling him Wu Xie's friend all the time

- High Shao. There we go

- High Shao is a good kid 

- A-Ning's eyeroll at Pangzi is my entire mood with his antics right now 

- Eyeroll from Wu Xie 

- Can't see Pan Zi's face, but his whole posture is basically an eye roll 

- Oh. Well. Huh. I did not expect Pangzi to actually manage to break the wall

- Judging by everyone's expressions, no-one else did, either 

- Oooh, something bad must be coming, Xiaoge is going on guard 

- Yep. Zombie dude is on his way 

- Yes, send the woman with the serious leg injury to go crawling through a tiny cave tunnel first. Brilliant idea, Wu Xie

- OK, I should stop being so hard on bb!Wu Xie, this is his first time in a tomb after all 

- Y'know, guys, I really think it would have been a better idea to let Pan Zi go before Pangzi, given that he's also injured and all. Get your most injured people to safety first.

- How the fuck is that zombie deflecting Xiaoge's sword with his HAND?! 

- WHY IS IT MAKING TINGING NOISES AS IF IT'S METAL HITTING METAL?! 

- Oh, NICE, Xiaoge! 

- I am very disappointed that I could not get a good screencap of that awesome, smooth, and effortless slide he did through the tunnel

- Things I discovered when I went to YouTube to see if I could get a good screencap of it by slowing down the playback (which I can't do on Viki) 

- the eps on YT and the eps on Viki are edited differently. I'm gonna have to watch this again on YT once I'm done with the Viki one

- At a guess, the YT ones have a bunch of stuff cut, because where I'm up to in ep 5 on Viki is in ep 4 on YT 

- For instance, XIAOGE'S AWESOME SLIDE THROUGH THE TUNNEL JUST THEN is not in the YT one?! 

- Wow, I'm going on a lot of tangents tonight. OK, back to the ep.

- Xiaoge holding the zombie at swordpoint until it gives up and backs away 

- So these zombies have some intelligence 

- ngl, though, if I was on my hands and knees in front of a hot guy holding a sword on me, backing away would be like the last thing I would be doing

- Why the fuck is there a giant, chained up tree deep in the middle of an underground tomb? 

- And ivy all over the cave walls? 

- WHERE ARE YOU GETTING SUNLIGHT FROM DOWN HERE?! HOW ARE YOU ALIVE?! 

- I'm glad you're just as confused as I am, Pan Zi

- OK, some sunlight is getting in, since there are two bodies laying in a conveniently positioned sunbeam 

- Sure, what the fuck are you gonna do to him, Pangzi? He's dead. He doesn't care. 

- Unless he's another zombie who's gonna rise from the grave, but still don't think he cares

- Yes, Pangzi, tomb robbers don't end well 

- Love Wu Xie's cute suspicious face 

- Lucky grab there 

- Oh, there you are, Sanshu 

- Do all the tunnels in this place empty out at this tree? 

- LOL, I love that Sanshu immediately doesn't take any of Pangzi's shit

- That was a bad place to faint 

- Good thing Xiaoge is right there! 

- Xiaoge Rescue Count: 8 for Wu Xie, 9 for the protagonists, 10 for everyone 

- I love how often Wu Xie is the damsel in distress

- Don't worry, Sanshu, Xiaoge will definitely look after his future bf

- Looks like Pangzi is about to fall. Again 

- Pangzi, if you had HELD ON to that vine, it wouldn't have been as bad 

- Wait for him to realise he's laying between two corpses in 3, 2, 1... 

- Uh...I hope they're just stuck to him and not actually sitting up under their own power

- These are remarkably well-preserved corpses 

- THERE'S that realisation 

- And there's the freakout 

 - They did get just get caught 

- They're not gonna have kids, Pangzi, they're dead 

- Pangzi, what are you doing? Leave the corpses alone now

- Wake them? I don't like the sound of that, Sanshu 

- Also, how do you know that? 

- Cute pingxie shots just because 

- In her mouth? 

- Oh, a key, thank goodness. I thought it was gonna be an evil bug 

- Pangzi, stop appraising her necklace, didn't you say you're not a tomb robber? 

- There's fucking what now? 

- HOW?! 

- THERE'S A WHAT IN HER ASS?! 

- Hahah, well that certainly stopped Pangzi from checking out the valuables on her 

- JFC 

- That got Xiaoge's attention 

- Oooh, he's noticed something in the tree 

- Sorry not sorry for more gratuitous Xiaoge shots

- That's a pretty looking key 

- ...and now her corpse is undergoing rapid decay? How the fuck was the key preventing the corpse from decaying? 

- That explanation makes no logical sense, Sanshu 

- Maybe that box the other corpse is holding, Wu Xie? 

- Pangzi thought of that, too

- What were those flashes? Were those just for the viewer, or was one of the characters getting them? 

- That seemed to be the unnaturally bright green-eyed man from the opening credits 

- Leave the sword alone, Pangzi 

- Although I do understand the desire to pick it up

- Uh...what 

- No shadow is NEVER a good thing 

- WTF? 

- Sanshu, I never wanna play poker with you 

- This doppelganger has done a damn good job of acting like Pangzi this whole time 

- When did it replace him? 

- Maybe it was the doppelganger who was so cruel to A-Ning? We'll see.

- That's a very solid ghost 

- And that's kinda creepy 

- Uh...isn't she already dead? 

- Sanshu just going straight for the tackle 

- Clever boy, Wu Xie 

- Though, Xiaoge, where were you? Were you just gonna let Pangzi strangle Sanshu, or did you figure Sanshu had it handled?

- (he did not have it handled) 

- (pretty sure if that had been Wu Xie you'd've jumped in the moment Pangzi's hands went around his throat, if not before) 

- *sigh* Pangzi, pls 

- The Green Eyed Fox? 

- Was that the dude in the fox mask? 

- Probably (also?) the opening credits guy

- How the fuck has it taken me 3 hours to get through half an ep? 

- Oh yeah, I keep going off on tangents and pausing to take pretty screenshots of Xiaoge 

- So we're doing fox demons, are we? 

- Don't touch anything. Yeah, like that sword you had casually slung over your shoulder.

- Storytime! 

- Suuure, Pangzi 

- Xiaoge really seems to know everything 

- Don't rattle it, Wu Xie 

- Oh, that interested A-Ning 

- I wonder if this is the thing that's supposed to cure Wu Xie 

- Sanshu thinks it's a bad idea, but doesn't want anyone other than Wu Xie to know

- Or, more to the point, doesn't want Pangzi and A-Ning to know 

- Good excuse, Wu Xie 

- I wonder if Pangzi is still supposed to be a doppelganger, or if that was part of the hallucination 

- Yeah, suuure you're not going to steal relics, Liu Tai

- Have they set up a new camp at the digsite, or did they take Chengcheng and High Shao back to their original camp? 

- I think he does legit want A-Ning to be ok, though 

- Looks like I was right, all the tunnels lead to the tree 

- Which means I expect zombie guy to show up any minute

- Don't think A-Ning will be happy they kept what happened to her friend from her when that happens 

- Xiaoge back into 'something is coming' mode 

- Oh, how was that for timing? Less than a minute after I said it, zombie dude is on his way 

  - And it goes straight for Pangzi 

- Maybe he knew Pangzi was a dick to his friend 

- GDI A-Ning 

- That's a strong zombie 

- XIAOGEEEEEEE! 

- Xiaoge Rescue Count: 8 for Wu Xie, 10 for the protagonists, 11 for everyone

- Yes, Pangzi, Xiaoge IS amazing

- lol, Pangzi making so much noise cheering for Xiaoge that he got the zombie's attention back 

- Xiaoge Rescue Count: 8 for Wu Xie, 11 for the protagonists, 12 for everyone

- This is apparently the Xiaoge Rescues EVERYONE ep 

- I'm not surprised you fell, A-Ning, with that wound

- That was a heavy fall. Ouch 

- Come on, A-Ning, you seemed more level headed than this so far 

- And the zombie knocks away the easier/closer target, Wu Xie, to target A-Ning 

- Wonder if there's a reason for it, or just dramatics

- And then he stops trying to bite her to kick her away & go back to fighting Xiaoge? 

- Those are some very nice moves from Xiaoge 

- And now the zombie is...launching himself at Wu Xie and the others? 

- Wu Xie being the hero and pushing everyone else out the way

- Pangzi to the rescue? 

- No - A-Ning!

- Poor A-Ning 

- Oh yeah, better pull Pangzi out the tree 

- Zombie spitting up blood as he's dying 

- No, Pangzi, he's not gonna be fine. A-Ning shot him like 4 or 5 times in the chest 

- Aaah, zombie is lucid now

- Wu Xie ain't doing too good right now 

- Those are some nasty bruises. Caused by the poison gas/blood, I'm guessing 

- WTF made you think drinking the water in a tomb chamber was a good idea? 

- Xiaoge's shown emotion a total of 3 times in 5 eps, and 2 of those have been worry for Wu Xie

- Whatcha looking for, Xiaoge? 

- Huh, no-one even thought to look under there, just assumed the box was all that was interesting 

- Kirin blood?!  

- And how did A-Ning know what it was, esp from that distance? 

- Pan Zi, you are like the second most badass person here next to Xiaoge

- Also, I am no longer feeling sorry for A-Ning 

- You owe these people your life, A-Ning, and this is how you repay them? 

- Xiaoge isn't too impressed. After all Pan Zi ain't Wu Xie 

- Oh, that seems like a fair deal. 

- I am pleased with the amount of Xiaoge in this ep

- Xiaoge Rescue Count: 9 for Wu Xie, 12 for the protagonists, 13 for everyone

- Not gonna count his offer to A-Ning as a rescue, since he didn't bother waiting to see if she'd accept before he went ahead and saved his future bf 

- This is the softest I've seen him look all show

- Pan Zi is much nicer than I would have been. I would have probably punched her 

- Then again, they've made a fuss a few times about treating her differently because she's a woman, ugh

- Hahah, Xiaoge just getting up and walking off without any explanation for poor Wu Xie

- Wu Xie seemed so concerned, like he thought he'd done something wrong 

- Then all worried, aww 

- Hahah, Xiaoge not even gonna wait for A-Ning, just gonna go find her guys all by himself 

- Several *thousand*? No wonder Wu Xie's gagging

- Oh, eating super old kirin blood is what made Xiaoge's blood magical? Does that mean Wu Xie's blood is also magic now? 

- Just Chengcheng in danger, Sanshu? What about High Shao? 

- What about climbing the tree? 

- XD XD XD

 - Sanshu saying exactly what I just did

- There's sunlight already coming through, will you even need to dig a hole? That sunbeam on the corpses was pretty big 

- Pan Zi like "of course I can climb all the way up there with a hole in my gut and several other injuries"

- Of course Wu Xie is gonna worry about A-Ning getting out as well. He wouldn't be Wu Xie if he didn't 

- Wu Xie is such a nice boy 

- Pan Zi is also pretty forgiving 

- Pangzi, you just can't take people being sincere with you yet, can you? 

- That's some depressed fatalism there

- Sanshu now doing his part to convince A-Ning by appealing to her sense of responsibility for her men 

 And there we go for ep 5! It only took me...5 hours for a 40 minute ep 

We end with Xiaoge Rescue Count at 9 for Wu Xie, 12 for the protagonists, 13 for everyone

[ask-jungshook]

can i be real for a sec?? you are so amazing and im about to cry bc you're everything i wish i was. ppl love your art so much and your angst and you're so talented. you are so so talented. ok im sorry i just needed this off my chest

// OMG NOOOOOO NONNY PLEASE DON’T CRY!

For me, my ‘talent’ is probably an accumulation of ‘natural’ talent (basically your base stats in gaming terms lol), motivation, experience, practice, and personal drive.

So to get a general sense of where I’m coming from, let me tell you a story of a YOUNG DISSU and how her ‘talent’ developed. (aka my art journey LOL)

So let’s started!

Base Stats

When I first got into drawing (this was around middle school, so I was around 12 years old????), my base stat for drawing was probably a 1 out of 10 –  pretty horrible tbh because all I did was just to try and replicate my favorite mangas characters as they were drawn. (At the time I think it was Yu Yu Hakusho LMFAO). If I were to make an analogy or any type of comparison, let’s just say, my stick figures had better proportions than my actual drawings but I digress. But as much as I drew poorly, I found myself loving drawing and loving art because it was an outlet for me to relieve stress. (But looking back oh boy was I a hardcore weeaboo haha) This period of time was the time where I gave no shits if I drew poorly, I drew because I had fun and that was pretty much it. (So there was like pretty much 0 improvement since I didn’t really bother to learn anything technique-wise) 

Motivation & Practice

Around high school was when I first started digital art (I around age 16 at this time) and this was the time period when DeviantArt was the ‘go to’ place to post drawings and literature. (pretty sure tumblr and twitter didn’t exist back then and facebook like just became a thing lol) Avatar sites like gaiaonline were also super popular and filled with a bunch of talented artists. I remember distinctly being like ‘holy shit these people are so good and so talented and thinking that I could never surmount to anything like that’. But at the same time, another part of me was like AWE INSPIRED of their talent and would like obsessively see if they had any tutorials on drawing. So while yes, there was a portion of me that wanted to be like my art idols and draw the way they did, at the same time, I kinda knew in my head that that was impossible? (But it didn’t stop me from trying to emulate them) 

So while I kept on drawing because it was fun and I liked it as a hobby– BUT this time, I had people to look up to in terms of the ‘I want to draw like you’ aspect of it. They were my art idols and pretty much everything I wanted to be from an art standpoint hahaha. But those artists were my main source of motivation for wanting to improve throughout high school. So this was the period of time that other people’s art lead to me wanting to develop a better style and to improve my technique. (I drew a lot, but never really finished anything major because I was really impatient back then, but my style was HEAVILY impacted by my art idols lol – VERY VERY GRAPHIC NOVELY/DATING SIM-ESQUE)

Experience & Personal Drive

I think in recent years, I did a lot of growing not only as an artist but as a person. One thing to note about growth and  improvement is that seeing improvement/seeing growth does not happen overnight, and I took many art hiatuses during high school and most of college simply because I didn’t have time due to my course load. So after cycling through various styles, my art kinda just stagnated for a long time. At that time, it was a bit disheartening and frustrating for me, because at that point I drew for like 6 years and made like small baby steps. (I had a variety of styles, but I never really had the solid groundwork of like anatomy, how clothing works, or color theory.) So it did put a hamper down on my motivation to draw back then– simply because I didn’t think I was improving as fast as other people – which in retrospect, was mistake number one.

I also went through a pretty bad battle with depression while I was in college that ebbed down a bit, then resurfaced after I graduated (this was roughly a 3 yr span), which hindered a lot of my art growth substantially as well  because my mentality simply wasn’t there. (Music and art hold emotional ties for me, so whenever I’m depressed, everything relating to the creative side of me goes to shit and I will have 0 motivation to draw and basically just sleep all day.)

But to be brutally honest, this is where personal drive comes in. There was one day where I just had full blown out sit down with myself where I basically told myself that I was so sick of being sad all the time, so tired of just being tired, so sick of hating myself– and that I missed being happy and that I missed that sense of joy. So what did I do? I pushed myself and forced myself out of my bubble in an effort to crawl out of that pit that is depression. But one of the things that helped me the most was reconnecting with a bunch of art friends that I met online in high school on one of those avatar sites. I’m a lot stronger of a person mentally thanks to them. :) And with the help of my friends, I basically began my journey of a 360 degree change– my friends, music, art and the past depressed me were all sources of motivation for me to fight to win that mental battle against myself. (One of the things I did was delete all my social media and just start over– that way it’s easy to filter out unwanted things if you start with a blank slate. I also bought my dog around this time which helped my mentality exponentially.)

Getting started was probably the hardest part, because depression is a cycle of ups and downs– but in order to break free, YOU have to be the one to initiate change and stick to making it happen no matter how uncomfortable you may be. I understand that not everyone can be like me and resolve to do everything yourself. Some people need therapy, and some people need medication and that’s fine because as humans, we’re all different in how we cope with things. In my case, it was all about mental fortitude and my own will power. For me personally, I extended my art hiatus and took several more months off of art and just solely focused on myself and my mental health more than anything. I did a lot of soul searching during this time. Ironically, I think my main motivation for crawling out of that hell hole was just hating how much I hated being sad all the time because that’s just a place that I would never want to go back to.

And even now, it’s still a lot of self exploring of what I want for myself and understanding myself. I’m a person with many layers of personality (like an onion!) – and I’m still learning how to embrace all of those layers (even the bad ones) because in the end, your layers combined are what makes you who you are. If you try to reject a part of any layer, that’s pretty much you trying to reject a part of you– which may lead to or cause a lot of internal turmoil. (On a not so serious note, I realize this ‘layer’ thing was a totally unintentional analogy taken from Shrek, imsosorry lol)

And I just realized I took a HUGE tangent, but going back to the experience and personal drive, I think it was some time around 2016 and going into 2017 when I officially made it to be one of my goals for the new year as to get ‘better’ at art. At this point, I had like 10 years of ‘experience’ in digital art (probably a lot less if you factor in my hiatuses but I digress lol), so based off of those past experiences, I know what I’m good at and what needs improvement. (so I know where my groundwork is lacking and what I should focus on) From a mental perspective, I also understand myself more in the sense that I knew what caused mental stress on me, which in turn allows me to not put myself in uncomfortable positions mentally. At the same time, understanding myself has also allowed me to know my limits and understand how much I can push myself.

But more importantly (from an art standpoint), I’ve learned to take a lot of inspiration from other artists and a lot of art friends instead of wanting to have their style of drawing. I think it was important to me to realize and recognize that I will probably never draw like some of them (because they have a lot more experience than me), and that that should be taken as a positive thing because my art should reflect who I am. So remember that onion I was talking about? All the people I look up to and all the people who I’ve befriended through art also play a HUGE role in my many layers because without them, I personally wouldn’t have that personal drive to learn and get better. So def find something that motivates you to be a better version of yourself! (For me it’s music, books, and other people’s art!)

So going back to my main point of talent:

Don’t think of someone else’s talent as something you should replicate. Because honestly speaking, you can’t, since you literally are a different person– and no two people are the same. (Nor are two onions the same)  Instead– take an opportunity to view it as a source of motivation and inspiration to grow and foster your own talent and your own personal growth. Because talent is something you CAN cultivate into something beautiful given time and patience. (Related note: I wrote like an essay in my meet the artist link about my thoughts regarding art and improvement and about comparing yourself to other artists– dunno if that’ll help, but feel free to check it out here lol)  

It took me 12 years for my art to evolve to what it is now (I’m 24 now), and I still think I have a lot more room to grow because there was so much I missed out on when I first started out. So while yes, I would consider myself as ‘talented’, there were so many things that have attributed to and molded my base ‘talent’ from when I was 12  to what is it now. And beauty is, is that that everyone’s base stats are different– heck there are people HALF my age who draw better than I do now and that’s amazing! (Also don’t let someone’s age be a reason to put yourself down either! I personally find young artists super inspiring :’))

But honestly, the most important thing is that in the end, art should be about yourself! As I mentioned before, art and music are linked to me emotionally, so happiness is the main thing that I want my art to bring to me. You shouldn’t do things for the sake of others (like getting notes/being popular), you should do it because it makes you happy. (Because if you’re doing things for others, you’re literally putting your own happiness in the hands of other people– and it shouldn’t be that way) For me, drawing makes me happy because I like to see my progression over the years as well as that sense of accomplishment once you finish a piece.

I’m so sorry that this turned into a really long essay/rambling about my life (i tried to keep it as short as possible, but it still ended up long af weeps), but I just felt the need the type this because I’ve been in a similar position as you before. (When I first read this ask I had like a lot of mixed emotions because I was like yes, it’s a compliment, but at the same time, why do I feel really sad? lol so yeah … sorry about the wall of text)

So don’t wish you were me! LOL :’D (lol trust me bc I am far from perfect) Instead, embrace yourself, (& to paraphrase the chorus of Cypher 4)  know yourself, and most importantly, love yourself because you are ALSO a blooming talent in the garden that is life. 

:) So what I really want to see is the phrase of “you’re everything i wish i was“ turn into something like, “thanks for inspiring me to improve” or something along those lines.

As artists, we all learn off from each other. And personally, I would be honored to be some sort of inspiration to you – but as I said before, please don’t think that you’re any less than me or think negatively about yourself because you are amazing and talented in your own right! :’) And if it helps, I’ll be rooting for you to continue cultivating your own ‘talent’ into something even more spectacular! Nonny HWAITING!

Also if you ever want to talk, feel free to message me! (I hope I don’t come off as intimidating, I’m just very scatterbrained and get distracted easily lol i also apologize for any spelling mistakes in this because im too lazy to proofread lol)

[jibunjishin]

hellO

i haven’t found the spare time in forever to just make a post and catch up with myself and how i’ve BEEN

i don’t think some people understand that idk how im honestly doing until i do something like this because i just go around doing the motions of life and whatever, not really having any time to feel, so i could be doing really bad for all i know but not be able to put a pinpoint on where it’s all coming from until i sit down for a sec. and while i can’t afford the time even now to do this, it’s super important so here i am!!!!

wow im super tired!!! in a physical way, where im fighting jet lag and general insufficient sleep hours. i actually fell asleep for like 2 hours today and then thought i’d take a ‘break’ until i felt ready and i actually haven’t felt ready. the last weeks of march i went into overdrive and SOMEHOW got everything done. one of my five classes is going really poorly, i’m scoring consistently below average and it’s ruining my self confidence, self esteem, just overall belief in myself and my abilities to finish my degree??? lmao. im very fragile ANYWAYS but on the other hand, I got a 91% on a paper for my public health class and a 98.5% on my midterm for another class! (which I’m p/nping! so it DOESN’T MATTER!! HAHAHH yay. *upside down smiley emoji*)

the point is things have been mixed bad and good results, but I’m really letting the bad overtake my whole mood. and i recognize that. acknowledge it. im not sure how to change my attitude about it though. i try to say it in my head that it’s ok and maybe eventually i’ll believe it but it’s ineffective and sometimes makes me feel worse. (also my friend in the class is KICKING BUTT he’s so good the professor gives him over 100% sometimes and im like ??? I can’t even get in the IQR... ya im jealous but happy for him OBVIOUSLY but I kinda feel like my professor has decided I’m a B-/C+ student bc I keep getting kinda the same grade, even though my latest assignment was not bad?? i went to a GSI’s OH and started it early and revised and whatever but got a 1% improvement. IDK THIS IS A LONG RANT/TANGENT I’m also not trying to be salty and be like “this professor sucks he’s not giving me As” because if I don’t deserve it I’m fine with that but ok anyways moving along) the point is, things are an OK average, so why can’t i be fine with that?

it’s partially because of these bad grades, but i’m also losing motivation to do my thesis at all. and like it’s necessary to finish an ES degree. it’s literally my last requirement and I’ve done all the other classes. but I just don’t know if I want to commit a whole year to doing something I don’t want to do. I don’t think it’s that like I’m lazy or trying to get out of it just because? if that makes sense? I don’t think it’s a bad reason. I can’t find anything I want to research. we’re actually doing literal research like not a research paper. we have to write a literal mini-dissertation and shit. i’ve been a content-absorber my whole life and I just think I’m too *simple* to make a discovery. like i’m not sure if i’m GETTING ACROSS THIS CONCEPT. WE HAVE TO SPEND THE SUMMER/FALL/some of spring bc that’s when it’s due DOING LITERAL RESEARCH and this thought gives me anxiety and i’ve cried a bit over it. it’s so daunting. and I’ve tried to talk to my gsi/professor about my fears and they’re like oh it’s fun! it’ll be okay! and i’m like NO you don’t understand?? and they’re like here let’s talk about what u can do and I feel like they’re actually not getting how afraid I am of this. I don’t want to quit my major over this... I took 9 classes for this already, and it’s just one year, two semesters, six units left. but I’m just realizing how I c a n n o t do this thesis. i’m not sure what i’d do? and you can’t bullshit this like a paper. i can’t do it overnight. i have a proposal draft for this due monday and I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA HOW TO EXECUTE THIS IDEA I HAVE BECAUSE IT’S A SHITTY IDEA and wow I honestly don’t know how people do it. I’m going to my prof’s OH again this Friday and I’m really hoping he can HELP or maybe help me find an advisor because if I am doing this, there’s no way in hell I can do it alone. I don’t want it to be a pity-thing where they’re like ‘ok let me do this for u but u can put ur name on it so u can get the hell out of school’ like I actually DO want to do it but i CAN’T and I know that’s toxic, i should be like oh yeah i can do it! think of all the other ES undergrads who’ve done it, who are doing it, who will do it!! one of them is YOU!! but i’m actually so past that stage, i’m facing the reality of this deadline coming up and it’s looking really bad. really bad. i know this post has been a huge ole complaining mess but YOU KNOW WHAT i’m being honest with how i feel, even if i’m not proud of it.

i thought i got over my anxiety!! LMAO!! im sweating and the whole shebang just from writing this and thinking about my thesis. aasasoifnva. honestly i think the worst that can happen is I get a TERRIBLE grade in this class. I don’t think I can fail??? but I was okay with getting bad grades in the chem/physics classes but this one?? it’s a major req. like literally a class for JUST ES majors in spring semester of their junior year. i’m pretty sure i’m one of the lowest grades in the class based on the number of times my groups have been getting the low L O L and it’s very sad to see that i’m the one of the worst in my cohort. but anyways it’s just super disheartening like I said earlier.

so right now i’m in between feeling like it’s a waste to stop pursuing ES and it’s just another year, 6 units(, A WHOLE THESIS) to complete the degree. on the other hand, i don’t need this degree if I want to teach ES in high school, since I’m one class and a seminar away from finishing my other major. and I will get my credential at the end of my 5 years. so I don’t NEED it because teaching ES just requires a single subject credential and a bio CSET?? I don’t need it, so why put myself through the struggle and anxiety and dread and frustration and all those other wonderful feelings of self-loathing and depression? so i’m not sure what to do. I really am not.

thanks if you even read this far to my literal 3 followers. lmao. these really help me and thanks to myself for taking the time to write it, but I should get back to reality. i’m not sure what my plans are for the rest of tonight. i can try to keep pushing through with the thesis, move on to my research paper for my geography class, or cut my losses and go to bed or read or go back on youtube. i am sure that i am tired as fuck and ready to be done. actually done.

edit: I guess the real question is: what do I do now actually? I have major advising meetings with both my advisors this friday, plus office hours with my professor. do i melt down and be like PLEASE HELP ME because I see no other way other than quitting? at this point I think that’s what it is. get help or quit. I think it’s okay to be okay with knowing I can’t do it on my own two feet. but i know if i ask for help i’ll CRY and it’ll be sad and pathetic kinda but idk IDK I JUST DON’T KNOW