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growling · 6 months ago

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Ooo tell me more about these gore sites n whatever

yayayayayay :33 well just a few of them that I feel like I can explain somewhat, I have failed to stick to sites only and now just dumping all my cursed knowledge on every kind of shock site/image/video (none shown or linked obviously lmao) also as yall can probably tell: cw for like, general descriptions of shock stuff like gore or just things that are gross/unsanitary:

K-Fee commercial(s) - a series of coffee commercials that aired a while ago, i think the 90s or somewhere around then. So you know like, that veryyyyy popular screamer with the car road or something? So that was actually from this series, and there are multiple more but it's just that one which is most well known. I think they actually got taken down some time later after airing and I mean I'm not surprised there's gonna be like at least a few people got heart attacks for that. Like.. Yeah

The "Unholy Trinity" aka. TubgirI, Lemon Party & Goats e (last one without space i dont want to summon anyone lmao) - three most popular/infamous shock pictures that got passed around on the internets in the fucked up evil 2000s-or-so, basically any shocksite that exists no matter the quality like, has to have at least one of these on their site (up there with the Jeff the Killer flashing jumpscare or that Anne(?) image from the horror movie, but those are like, used as screamers and not just still images), they're like the shock image starter pokemon you get me right. A brief(??) description of these: TubgirI (cw for uh, enemas?) is an image of a woman sitting in a tub with her legs spread, and a mask (according to some, not gonna fact check sorry i value myself) on her face, and what looks to be the aftermath of an enema cascading out her ass and on her face. And like, I'm trying to be grossed out but the way everyone describes it just makes it look like some kinda abstract album cover like whoever photographed this must have really cared about the composition anyway uh Goats e (cw for. ass insides????) is an image of a dude presenting for a lack of better term, and using both his hands he kinda pulls/opens up his asshole from the sides to a point where you can see the inside of it. Lemon Party is literally just an image of three old men going at it. Yes that is all it's just three old men fucking. Probably got considered "shocking" by the net because homophobia and oldmanphobia i guess. Meatspin also got the similiar treatment because it had a trans woman(?) in it

1 Man 1 Jar - that one's a video and also somewhat of a classic just like the aforementioned three. Basically, there's this guy who really likes putting things up his urethra/ass, but he's more into extreme things than anything really safe, and there are multiple videos other than that one, where something just, uh, goes wrong while he's doing it. He also had a wife and a child(?) but he kept it a secret from them. Anyway 1 Man 1 Jar is contains him standing over a glass jar and then proceeding to put the whole thing inside (he apparently did that/or similiar things with glass before then but it went as fine as it could before), but the glass does what glass does and breaks, immediately after blood starts just gushing out and there's a LOT of it. The Guy just calmly starts getting the pieces out, doesn't even scream or anything, just doesn't have a reaction to that. After the whole ordeal (outside the video) he said he has patched it up himself and went to work the next day hiding the injury from everyone else (he was fine). He didn't go to the hospital because he didn't want anyone to know about what he's been doing and I honestly just feel bad for him at this point

Agor.io - soooo, you know how I mentioned earlier that it was like, when you wanted to make a site that's a screamer very often the jumpscare itself will be like, that one Anne(?) image or realistic Jeff the Killer? So yeah, they'd also typically, to make it (Jeff) scarier, they'd put up scream sounds in the background and a whole lot of flashing on the image/gif itself. The site agor.io had the jumpscare in it that is just like how I described, and it is named (and kinda modeled after) like that in order to trick people who made a typo trying to go on agar.io (that one circle game) instead. One day, a woman wrote a reddit post asking for help or explanation for that on some, I assume, that one law focused subreddit? saying that her young son, who's got epilepsy or some other condition that causes seizures can't really remember, found out about the game agar.io from school when his friends played it. When he went to home, he tried to play it there too, however, made a typo. And then had a severe seizure and landed in the hospital, he was still in the hospital as his mother made the post, and she was looking into taking whoever made the site into court over it. The site actually did get taken down a few days after, but we don't know if it's because the law got involved and they (person who made the site) were forced to, or if they saw the post and got scared and deleted it immediately to avoid that.

Encyclopedia Dramatica, particularily the page "Offended" - Encyclopedia Dramatica was basically like, a satire version of Wikipedia, wackpedion reference. Except unlike other pages that have a similiar premise, Encyclopedia Dramatica's humor and wit was basically just racism slurs gore and whatever's the edgiest and literally nothing else. Anyway the page "Offended"/"Are You Offended?" (people provide different titles) was apparently frequently linked to people who were, well, offended. There are two differing descriptions of the page's content itself, them being: 1. that its a gallery, that starts out with cute animal pictures, but as you scroll down it quickly becomes progressively more disturbing, containing gore like injuries, bloody corpses, some with animals, crime scene footage, you name it. 2. That the content is the same, but instead of starting off innocent, the gallery is just gore. Not gonna check which is the true version.

EeI Soup - [long sigh] ok so there's two girls. a container of baby eels. girl 1 starts bending over. there's a funnel

Mr. Hands - (cw for beastiality) so the story behind it is fucking wild and I won't get into it because word limit and I don't remember. But there was this one guy who was part of a beastiality sex tape ring, and he really liked horses. It's a video of him and a few of his friends sneaking(?) into a ranch and he does things that beastialists typically do. With a stallion. It goes wrong. His internal organs get fucking destroyed during the act and he dies. And his buddies didn't even help him or anything just ran away. Also the aforementioned Guy had ties to like, numerous other infamous beastialists & zoosadists I believe he appeared on the Zooey podcast or one of the guys he knew did?? Anyway nearly all of them are connected in some way

1 4 4 4 (without spaces) - a video on youtube with that title that got since taken down but not after a few entire days. It showed Ron.nie Mc.nutt (censored cause i don't wanna summon anyone) dying via suicide. A lot of videos (especially on tiktok, disguised as a regular compilation or a dance and the suddenly cutting to that) liked to show that one back then. Like, a lot. Apparently that was a calculated test attack by some group from over at the dark web, which sounds crazy but there's like, concrete proof for that, apparently?? So yeah anyway

(hit word limit gotta do a line break)

Ogrish/Liveleak - most people probably know what liveleak is at this point, basically it was that really popular site where like uncensored news clips got posted but also a lot of gore and just videos of people dying and getting tortured or whatever you name it. Ogrish was actually the same as Liveleak made by the same people but like, the older version.

Rotten.com - i just feel like I HAVE to mention that one but I have like unfortunately zero info on that aside from like.. very old and (in)famous site, one of the first ones with that content, where its just a bunch of pictures of corpses or whatever. anyway its not up anymore. i think.

Run the Gauntlet - basically an internet challenge that is also a site. So basically, there is 20 videos that play categorized by difficulty (probably wrong the further i go but i think its like: beginner, easy, medium, hard, extreme?), and if you can watch every one of them up until the end without looking away, then you win the challenge and as a reward get absolutely nothing. you can pause/opt out of it anytime you want which is nice i guess. the videos are essentially, just, shock and gore that progressively get worse. for example, the very first video, in the beginner level, is two women arm-wrestling until one of them breaks their arm and you can see the bone poke out. then theres like, maggot stuff, some teenager falls while diving into water(?) and lands on something else and i think impales(?) himself, there's like, nature documentary level stuff with animals that isnt that bad like right after and right before some another gore, there's fake accidents, disturbing movie scenes etc etc etc so not just gore but like, mostly. The very last video is 3 guys 1 hammer, widely regarded as "the worst video on the internet", which without getting into too much detail, is two ukrainian(?) serial killers from some time back who liked to record themselves murdering people, and in this one its a man getting very brutally killed by them with hammers. So anyway actually a few videos on there got either shuffled, or deleted and replaced with others - originally there was a few involving children, but all of them got removed. There is a big discussion on the ethicality of gore videos but if there is something that most people can agree with is that maybe at least leave kids out of this. Anyway so thats that

Kek maga (without the space. i dont want to summon anyone lmaooo) - ok so the creator of the site made a fucking villain monologue one time even. Anyway its a small site with various gore videos that exists purely to scare the living shit out of people that accidentially clicked on anything on it. I thiiink there's like, first a starter page that says nothing(?) else other than "only proceed if youre above 18" and an enter sign that if you click it basically a lot of images and videos of well. gore. start flashing and it think theres like, screaming in the background of it its practically designed in a way to be THE most stressful experience in your life. You can leave but before the pages closes for real you get a box saying "are you sure you want to leave youll lose all your progress if you do :)))))))" and you gotta click yes on that too before you actually can leave so. that is cool. Oh I nearly forgot the maker of that site named it kekmaga because its got maga in it and he wanted to lure older conservative people to it cause they dont know how computers work or something

Nim p (anti-summon space) - similiar to kek-ma but no one talks about it. A lot of youtubers back in the day got linked that page which meant that they "got nimped" which we would consider very rude by todays standards but anyway. Its a page thats just screaming and gore and shock and yadayadayada except its all in like, these boxes(?) that just start appearing and dissapearing and flying around your screen and its WAYYYYY harder to actually close like you gotta really lock in in order to stop having to look at people dying

Women's Alliance - made by the same guy that brought us the maga bait. It is a site that disguises itself as like, a feminist forum for women and female empowerment or something like you know. Before you enter theres of course the starter page which says something along the lines of "the subjects on here may be a bit sensitive and mature so only proceed if ur above 18!!" and then an enter sign that you click. Except its not a feminist forum its actually a site with images of gore flashing on it. Except its got a twist this time and now its exclusively, misogynistic violence like women getting beaten, killed, pictures of their dead bodies, probably also some rape videos too i got no proof for the last one but like, i just know it like why wouldn't it have that too at this point.

That is all you have got your knowledge wiki.......... uhhh how long was this ask in my inbox/drafts at this point

#mine #ask #some wording may be off thats just how all my posts are at this point.. im trying my best............

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flesh-into--gear · 1 year ago

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@rozecrest this was just easier but im so glad you liked it!

honestly you can't go wrong with any of his albums.

Purgatory is hilariously strong from start to finish and has these tracks which i love (i love the whole album but, in order)

I Swear (To God)

Feathered Indians

Tattoos

Purgatory

Universal Sound

Lady May

Live at Red Barn Radio I & II in absolute entirety tbh but the usual standouts are here

Shake the Frost

Deadman's Curve

Charleston Girl

Rock Salt and Nails

Follow You To Virgie (oof, about his mom, its a hard listen some days but FUCK its good.)

Bottles and Bibles

Country Squire was a mild style change-up, a little more honky-tonk. it's got some great tracks on it but it was also a mild writing departure for him as well, focusing a little more on country tropes and a LOT more tongue in cheek (the song Ever Lovin' Hand is a masturbation joke wrapped in a song about missing the person you love a lot). probably his weakest album? but:

Creeker

House Fire

Peace of Mind

All Your'n

Long Violent History is a kinda cool album, it's all instrumentals, old school holler jams and stuff. kinda hard to get into unless you're from that kinda thing i would assume? just reminds me of when i was a kid at thanksgiving and christmas back when we still spoke to my dad's side, and he and my uncles and one of my aunts would all get together and jam on some old gospel and bluegrass tunes. everybody brought instruments.... ah well. but i digress. you can take me out of the country but ill always be a big tomboy butch who gets a little too excited around jacked up trucks of a specific set of years, or the smell of gas and oil in the morning.

Can I Take My Hounds To Heaven i admittedly completely checked out on because i was deep in covid depression throes so i can't and won't comment because it won't be an accurate representation so.

Rustin' In The Rain I still haven't taken time to fully check out, as im working through a music backlog, but.

In Your Love is an incredible song and go watch the video because it cut me deep as fuck. i know a lot of people still stuck in those mines and i have friends with family members dying today because of coal companies. and im a trans woman from backwoods VA with all my roots in Appalachia from both sides (we had a handful of bootleggers in the family, explains a lot tbh). song hit me hard, in a good way.

anyway! im sorry! thank you for listening to me ramble about an artist i really enjoy! one of these days i should really just start a podcast called "Nobody Asked" and it's just me screaming into a microphone about stuff like this!

like dave matthews! like yeah i get it "ha ha dad rock" but come on!

Live at Radio City with Tim Reynolds is a fucking MONSTER album! and dave is a good guy! or at minimum is actually worthy of supporting because the dude has been doing activist things quietly and loudly for longer than ive been alive! and their music spans so many genres!

Eh Hee

Bartender

Still Water / Don't Drink The Water (back to back! they must be listened to together! please listen to this and Bartender off Live at Radio City)

#41

Two Step

Satellite

Some Devil

Grace Is Gone

and thats not even touching a fraction of this man's catalogue, he's been making music for forty something years

ahain im sorry i just really really love music and GAH theres so many artists from my chilhood and teen years and stuff that get so undeservedly swept under a rug because... i really don't know why. i feel like a lot of artists immediately get written off because of styles or genres or whatever and thats just so unfair and upsets ke geeatly.

that's not directed at you whatsoever rozecrest to be clear lmao sorry it may have come off that way

also anyone who has an interest in bluegrass/gospel go listen to The Seldom Scene's "Old Train" and "Live at the Cellar Door" in their entirety

#music

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differentcoloredcontacts · 2 years ago

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hi!

sorry if this makes you uncomfortable but 1B with a spouse/friend who is trans?

you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to :)

I actually really like the request! Im trans myself so I love the representation <3

Not proofread we die like men

Awase -

Hes the aggressive straight friend every trans person has. Like if youre a trans man hes screaming HEY MY MAN, LOOK AT THIS DUDEEE and shit like that everytime he sees you <3 (same works reversed for other trans ppl I just used trans men as an example <3)

Sen -

Genuinely interested about your struggles and the process of transitioning (if you choose to do so) he wants to help you anyway he can! You will not feel disphoric when hes around.

Kamakiri -

He 100% asked if you wanted him to give you bottom/ top surgery. Hes your ride or die if you want him to he will. Im sure theres a youtube tutorial for it. Will punch transphobes for you <3

Kuroiro -

The second you tell him your trans he goes on this long ass emo rant about how "to be born in the skin of another is the deepest type of dispair." Or whatever. Supportive asf tho.

Kendo -

Shes so sweet and helps you with anything you need <3 (if your enby she will ask nezu if UA can invest in gender neutral bathrooms and omg)

Kodai -

"K.." thats it. That was her reaction to finding out. She treats you the way she always has. Nothing can make her change the way she views you (you will always be her friend I mean lol)

Komori -

She somehow knew you were trans before you knew. The second you told her she just said finally as she pulled out a trans flag to give you lmao. Shes so sweet about it <3

Shiozaki -

Once you tell her she tells you the entire bible story where jesus helped a trans man (i think it was a trans man im not sure) and how she would help you the way he helped that man <3

Shishida -

The first thing he does is clarify your preferred pronouns, name and what prefixes you prefer (sir, mam, mr, mrs, mx, ect.) Afterwards he will just gently correct people if they accidentally misgender you <3

Shoda -

He buys little gifts for you as a congratulations on coming out (candy, pride pin ect.) He also helps with anything you need (he tries to anyways)

Pony -

If you were a girl shes just worried about what will happen to yalls girl days, overall tho she is really happy for you! The two of you definitely go shopping together to help you find cool clothes that fit your new self!

Tsubaraba -

"Poggers!" He made a trans flag on your minecraft world to put in your base. If you encounter a wild transphobe he throws a pokeball at them while saying shit like "gotta catch the clown!"

Tetsutetsu -

Hes a little confused but he got spirit! "This is my buddy, hes a man!" "I was a man but now im a woman tetsu..." "WHAT?! so you double trans now!?" Hes supportive as hell tho (also i just used trans women as an example it can be switched however)

Tokage -

"Thats cool." She immediately started making you a custom 'bad bitch' playlist. She gives off the same energy as the 'I got you a gay cake cuz its rainbow so it gay cuz ya gay' woman

Manga -

Nothing changed honestly, you told him, he started using your preferred name and pronouns and thats kinda it. He did give you skittles on a convince store run "cuz ya gay" (hes a little confused but he got spirit pt.2)

Honenuki -

You are not allowed to feel disphoric around him. He will make sure you feel comfortable and happy with how you are >:( if youre in the process of transitioning he makes sure to point out if you seem more mac/fem (if youre fine with it i mean)

Bondo -

I like to think he knows how to sew, so he definitely thrifted a bunch of random cheep cloths and sewed them to make you a custom trans flag with your preferred name engraved in the corner <3

Monoma -

He will beat the shit out of anyone that comes at you (its actually kinda scary) even on the internet if someone purposely misgenders you he is messaging them their exact coordinates lol

Reiko -

She is so nice about the whole thing <3 she uses her quirk to scare the shit out of transphobic ppl and she makes sure to help you when you feel disphoric <3

Rin -

He relates to the hate you can get for being trans so he knows how hard it can be (in that aspect at least.) So he makes sure to check in with you often <3 (also why do transphobic ppl see dudes with long hair and assume theyre trans? Lmao)

My cat brought a big ass bug to me and just sat it on my lap when I was writing this lmao.

Shes a little shit sometimes but I love her <3

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stregoniconiconii · 2 years ago

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for the character ask: el and robin

el <333

1: sexuality headcanon: hmm I feel like el isn't the type to label her sexuality, I do think she's some sort of sapphic tho <3 I do think her first idea of romance was informed by television tho so there's some unlearning to do. she's a huge romantic. I also really like the idea of her Choosing to be a girl/woman after being reduced to an experiment for so long, whether that be her being a trans woman or a cis woman On Purpose

2: otp: I very rarely think of romances for the younger generation but I actually do enjoy elmike sometimes. love a good elmax moment too or elumax as an ot3. won't lie also slightly intrigued by the idea of eldustin

3: brotp: god I can't pick! elmax first girl best friendship is so special and el's friendship with the og party is so good, the sibling relationship she has with will and Jonathan is also so good (in my heart Steve is also part of this little sibling love fest lol she's the baby sister of the family) god also her relationship with both joyce and hop...like those are her parents <3 I also really like her relationship with kali and im really hoping we get to see more of it

4: notp: ive seen some grossss ships for el...anything that's with adults is no bueno for me.

5: first headcanon that pops into my head: ive been talking about this recently actually but since millie is half deaf ive thought about el also being half deaf and how she can possibly use her powers as an aide

6: favorite line from this character: the delivery of "I dump your ass" is unparalleled imo love it when she screams too <3

7: one way in which I relate to this character: hmmm idk we dont have much in common . we both love max

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: nothing she's perfect

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: ignore all the ppl she's killed they deserved it. cinnamon roll

robin <333

1: sexuality headcanon: that's a genuine canonical lesbian!!! I do think she's a bit demisexual tho like she'll hang out with a girl for months maybe even years and then suddenly go oh. wait. this is a crush. and promptly freak out about it lol . I think robin is also a bit gender weird! definitely gets more gender nonconforming as time goes on, my baby butch <3

2: otp: robin and vickie <3 that's my endgame couple right there! ive seen a lot of fanon ships for her and some are more intriguing than others for me. buckingham is cute!

3: brotp: hmmm im not sure....lmao obviously stobin they're platonically married and share a mind . I know if nobody got me stobin do . I did really like that she got a friendship with Nancy started tho I dont think they'll ever be Super close. in the Lucas tie in novel she had some really nice interactions with Lucas that made me all <333 I also think she's close with erica!!!

4: notp: any romantic ship with a man. ronance..they just do not seem compatible to me <3

5: first headcanon that pops into my head: she's a vegetarian, her parents are too! she has eaten meat a few times, and her mom used to try and make it to fit in with small town America but it was never very good. the last time she ate something with meat in it was when Steve made them some pasta that had like anchovies in it and he nearly knocked her fork out of her hand (he cares more about her sticking to her vegetarian diet than her lmao)

6: favorite line from this character: ohhh her ears are little geniuses...my genius baby <3 also the whole bathroom coming out scene was perfect I literally would not change a single thing about it

7: one way in which I relate to this character: we are both soooo gay

8: thing that gives me second hand embarrassment about this character: ahhhmm idk I think she's perfect <3 kinda cringe to encourage her bestie to get with a girl in a relationship tho :/

9: cinnamon roll or problematic fave?: cinnamon roll <33

#el hopper #robin Buckley

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autdroid · 7 months ago

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Confused by the idea that I definitely feel like a man and prefer to call myself a trans man than transmasc/masculine (though I will because I absolutely fall under the category I would just never only call myself transmasc I am also a trans man or FTM however I wanna express that) but then I also feel real connection to labels I used when identifying as a lesbian like butch. And then growing older already identifying and presenting as a trans man and even going stealth as male and just generally going around transitioning and living and being perceived as a man. And during this period of life for which I am no longer calling myself a lesbian I end up reading a bunch of lesbian/butch/ftm literature and learning history and terms like stone butch and being kinda 👀👀 I just don't know how to reconcile the fact that I feel like a man and I feel like a butch lesbian and it's not like I think I'm genderfluid and i feel one way sometimes and the other at other times, it's just both most of the time and idk how to reconcile that without becoming like the most annoying straight dudebro of the early 2000s and identifying as a male lesbian except completely unironically. I'm also not even exclusively attracted to women and I am Not A Woman myself so it doesn't seem right to go around calling myself a lesbian but then there are memories and life experiences that don't make any sense as anything other than lesbian experiences and they still inform my life and how I feel and I have current day feelings and desires where it's just like yeah... I'm a total dyke man...

The respectability politics people are gonna come for my ass if I start calling myself a bisexual male lesbian. Lmao. I'm just screaming into the void of tumblr I'm so sorry if this shows up on your dash. I'm also joking I'm not genuinely going to call myself a male lesbian or a bisexual lesbian though more ppwer to the people who do lol. It just sucks that I am having this struggle with all the labels that I viscerally identify with being not necessarily controversial in isolation tho maybe some are but just that they make zero sense together to most people. Like...

bisexual FTM transgender/transsexual stone butch lesbian man... queer faggotdyke.

#if you see this no you dont #stop reading #this is the most poorly ive ever phrased anything #this is functionally a diary entry im posting to tumblr for reasons incomprehensible even to myself #please #ignore and disregard.

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taebadam · 5 years ago

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hello! i have had the privilege to see jagged little pill twice now and first of all: words cannot truly explain how amazing this show was. just. wow. but i remember when i was first getting into the show i searched desperately for descriptions of staging, choreography, etc. so here’s a (probably way too detailed lmao i’m sorry) synopsis of the show. MAJOR SPOILERS AHEAD. seriously. im about to tell you literally everything i remember so retreat now if that’s not what you want. ok here we go. oh boy. (also i’ll be using actor’s names for ensemble members who don’t have character names and then character names otherwise)

CONTENT WARNINGS: sexual assault, homophobia, racism, sexism, addiction and overdose

here’s act 1:

ok i loved the whole thing for sure but honest to god one of my fav bits is the first minute of the show. the STAGING. so as the lights come up and the overture starts we see a mostly still dark stage with all the ensemble members facing backward w a spotlight on yana (my love wow) in the center. she’s the first to turn around as she delivers the opening line: “swallow it down.” the rest of the ensemble begins to join in and turn around one by one starting w ezra (!!!! i love ez so much they are the best you cannot convince me otherwise) and the build begins. they move in closer to yana, chanting “around and around” and then all come in with “WAKE UPPPP” and they all bend down in this beautiful moment where the bass just. drops. and then in comes the band holy SHIT. so the band is on these really cool moving platforms that come in from the wings and as the bass drops and the ensemble starts jamming out they come on stage and it’s just truly incredible. they sing some of the overture like this w stunning choreography and then as you oughta know’s theme comes in jo runs in and joins the ensemble but it’s really slick you don’t really notice at first until the second part of the chorus when she breaks away and comes center stage, singing on top of the ensemble as they start to break apart behind her and pull out these stunning moving panels that are like 15 feet tall w projections on them. jo runs back through the panels right before they meet in the middle and close behind her revealing the words “jagged little pill” as the overture comes to a close.

the panels now open up and reveal a couch with all four healys sitting on it w santa hats and reindeer antlers galore, posing for a christmas card photo and yelling “merry christmas from the healys!” we have mj, the mom, steve, the dad, nick the perfect son and frankie the adopted, black daughter. mj then goes on with her monologue about how great their lives are while they all sit there with frighteningly fake smiles pasted on their faces while the ensemble plays carolers behind them. soon the stage morphs to show us steve’s office on one side of the healy living room and frankie’s room on the other as mj begins to write in the card about her perfect little family. she discusses steve’s new position as partner (while he chugs a bottle of pepto-bismol), nick’s acceptance to harvard (they recreate the moment he opens the email) and then finally frankie and her best friend jo. as mj talks about frankie and jo she mentions how they��re upstairs right now doing a “little craft project” and off to the side you see them working on a sign that says “FUCK FASCISM” which jo holds up w pride. then (lmao) mj talks about frankie’s friendship w jo and how she loves “female friendships” and how she remembers “the days of discussing clothes and boys” and meanwhile to her left frankie and jo are literally just full on making out in her room clearly romantically involved and it’s just so fucking hilarious.

then mj begins to discuss her car accident from the previous year and how she’s battling it w “natural remedies.” meanwhile, the ensemble, truly the conscious of the show, sings right through you while looking on from behind her. she begins to discuss her hot yoga and the stage begins to turn red, the music growing as we see all four healys in their own sections of the stage, each acting like everything is fine but doing something that shows its not (like nick is always doing push-ups. rip derek honestly lmao) as the song comes to a close.

we now transition to the breakfast table where mj is setting out pancakes. steve tries to kiss her but she pulls away, saying she’s “not a big morning kisser.” they talk for a bit, including the iconic exchange between mj and frankie: “when my friends and i wanted to save endangered sea lions we sold brownies on the quad. well, actually they were blondies” “of course they were blondies. even your brownies are caucasian.” aaaaand that line kicks off all i really want. such a powerful song. frankie stands up on the table and the band and ensemble come back in, just completely rocking out and blowing us all away w their choreography and energy as they surround the family, dancing around, on top and under the table. in the build-up to and then during frankie’s line “i’m frustrated by your apathy” the ensemble surrounds her with various protest signs. i can’t remember all of them but some highlights include “our future is dying,” “black joy matters,” “my body my choice,” “don’t be a fossil fool,” “white silence costs lives,” “no human is illegal,” “stop separating families” and “no ban on stolen land” while frankie carries one that says “does my period scare you.” it’s stunning. fast forward now to the “why are you petrified of silence? here can you handle this?” line. wow. frankie stands on the table, staring down mj in front of her and holds up a sign that says “fear has no place in our schools.” the ensemble all lays down in front of her w their arms crossed over their chests like they’re corpses and the screens behind her show projections of memorials for victims of gun violence in schools. the whole theater is silent for a solid thirty seconds. incredible. then they continue. another heart-wrenching moment is when it gets quiet before the final climax of the song and frankie goes “and all i really want is a wavelength.” she’s reaching out across the kitchen table to mj, who’s looking away from her at nick. mj’s arm rests on the table and as soon as frankie’s about to touch her hand mj moves to touch her own face, still looking the other way, not even realizing what frankie was doing. and their last belts. wow. mj and frankie are center stage, yelling at each other as they scream the final lines before frankie stomps off to go to school and mj is left alone in the kitchen where she swallows a pill— her pain meds for her car accident injuries.

a brief side note: let’s talk about the ensemble real quick. first of all they had input in a lot of their outfits and my fav is ezra’s which has a huge pink triangle on the back (they’re trans). i mean. wow. but also what’s important to know is that a lot of the main cast have sort of dancer body doubles? they have dancers who are supposed to represent them, be their alter egos and this comes into play a lot in the choreography and staging. mj’s double is heather, frankie’s double is ebony and jo’s double is ezra. i bring this up here because when frankie sings “i am fascinated by the spirit to a woman. i’m humbled by her humble nature” the ensemble lifts up ebony behind her and spins her around while frankie takes the same pose on the floor in front of them. absolutely genius.

and now we’re at school! we see bella, nick and andrew briefly discussing the party that will be happening tonight and then we zero in on jo (played my lauren patten my actual favorite human on this earth holy shit) and frankie, hanging out during what’s supposed to be a meeting for SMAC (social movement and advocacy committee) which frankie started— but rn they’re the only two members (also jo came in w a sign that says “let my people flow” and a picture of a pad because they were planning on protesting for the school to provide free menstrual products). jo and frankie have a sweet conversation featuring some hilarious comments from jo. frankie complains about her mom and jo responds “your mom is iconic. she’s one salad away from a psychotic break i live for it” then “at least your mom yells at you. mine prays for me. dear jesus. please don’t let my only child be a gay. especially not one of those obvious gays who wears performance fleece and utility sandals. in the name of fox news amen.” frankie is immediately concerned for jo and, for just a second, we see jo’s vulnerability and we know she must be really hurting but just as quickly she brushes it off: “i don’t care. i’ve been out of fucks to give since the early 2000’s.” really just phenomenal acting from lauren. wow. and now we have hand in my pocket! such a wonderful song. most of it is fun and uplifting (including a cute kiss between jo and frankie) but there was one part that really stood out to me. when jo sings “i haven’t got it all figured out just yet” she kinda stops for a moment and her face falls just slightly and frankie stands behind her, concerned, as the ensemble members dancing behind them all pair up and hug one another (including jo and frankie’s doubles: ezra and ebony). but just like that jo is back to singing and dancing and laughing, hiding her pain and uncertainty. at the end they do this adorable slap dance thing with the ensemble around them and everyone’s cheering and the lights are rainbow (yup thats gay) and it’s just so wholesome i love it.

now we go back to mj. we see her at the pharmacist’s office, trying to get a refill for her painkillers but being denied as she’s out. she then goes to a cafe where she runs into some other moms (laurel, jane and heather) and it’s hilarious. they’re all wearing the exact same outfits and sound so so fake. at one point ebony who is playing the barista asks if she can start a drink for anyone and one of them goes “i’ll take a skinny flat white” and ebony goes “how appropriate.” mj is clearly uncomfortable this whole time, especially when one of them makes a racist comment about frankie. after this she goes behind the cafe where she meets up w a drug dealer (played by john) and gets more of her painkillers. now comes smiling. this song is stunning. the whole song we see mj’s day moving backwards, all the way back to the morning when she took her first pill and she stares at herself in the mirror, clearly struggling. the whole song she and the ensemble all actually act everything out backwards, featuring ezra jump-roping backwards and antonio walking backwards while drinking coffee. true talent honestly lmao. and they move the sets so smoothly it’s amazing.

ironic!! so cute. so funny. the context is that frankie is reciting a poem to her class and they’re critiquing it but phoenix defends her. the desks are on wheels and the choreography is adorable. and frankie and phoenix’s voices WOW. and heather plays a stoner high schooler. this is not important it’s just so funny. after ironic there’s a moment in the hall where frankie and phoenix are still talking and so clearly flirting. jo walks up behind them but only sees frankie (on one side of the stage) at first. she starts to move towards her but then notices she’s talking to someone and gets a glimpse of her flirting w phoenix. jo’s face falls and she kind of falters, trying to decide whether to walk up to them and ultimately decides not to and walks off. lauren patten’s mannerisms in this whole show are just truly stunning. i really felt for jo everytime she was on stage. she’s so clearly putting up this sarcastic, uncaring front but really she’s just awkward and scared and lonely and lauren really does a phenomenal job making that come through— down to the fidgeting and awkward steps and nervous ticks that, once you notice them, make it clear who jo really is even though she doesn’t want to show it. yes i love lauren patten is it that obvious.

oK ANYWAY. back to mj. we see steve call to say he’s gonna be home late and they have a v passive aggressive conversation and then so unsexy happens. rip steve honestly. then perfect. mj and nick are decorating the tree. there’s a great line where mj goes “you need to make decisions for yourself” and he tries to put an ornament on the tree and she goes “no not there” and it’s so funny. but she just keeps going on about how he’s the only thing she’s done right and how proud she is of him. he asks “what if i hadn’t gotten in” re harvard and she goes ”you were always going to get in.”a couple of sympathetic sighs from the audience. then nick sings perfect and it’s honestly heartbreaking he’s so good and you feel so bad for him, always terrified that if he ever messes up his parents won’t love him anymore. that transitions right into lancer’s party.

here’s the thing about lancer’s party. this is the party where bella is sexually assaulted by andrew, kicking off her powerful storyline as a survivor and nick’s storyline about coming to terms w why he didn’t do anything at the time. but here’s why it’s so chilling, if that wasn’t enough: bella and andrew’s interactions at the party are not emphasized. in fact, if you didn’t know about the plot beforehand, you may not really notice anything at all. but it’s there. oh wow is it there. EVERY SINGLE TIME bella has anything to drink, andrew is the one to give it to her. she goes to talk to her friends and andrew grabs her hand and casually pulls her away. he puts his hand on her waist a little too often. he tries to get her alone one too many times. he barely leaves her side. but if you’re not looking for it, you may only see one of these just slightly ~off~ actions and think “hm that’s a little weird” and then move on. they’re not always center stage. they’re not always in a spotlight. they’re just part of the party. and we as audience members don’t stop to pay attention to them, even if we see something off. we’re not urged by staging to see it as important or vital to the story. and we don’t notice anything until it’s too late. the show puts us in the position of a bystander, like nick, who sees this all happening and does nothing. and this really comes back in the second act and punches you in the gut like. just wait.

anyways while the party is raging phoenix and frankie go outside on the swingset (!!!) and have a little heart-to-heart. they talk about their dysfunctional families and how frankie is adopted, a black girl in a perfect white family and how her mom “doesn’t see color” but she wishes she did. she talks about how her parents adopted her when she was little and how she’s been “fucking up their lives ever since.” phoenix comments “i have this theory that perfect families only exist in orange juice commercials and utah.” it’s funny and cute until it’s not. they start talking about how it’s not like they don’t love their families, it’s that they wish they were better kids. they think they’re not good enough and if they were different, everything would be better. phoenix says “if i were a better kid i’d have it all figured out. i could fix things at home. my dad might still call me.” and frankie agrees, adding “my mom might still love me.” and cue that i would be good. absolutely. heartbreaking. i cried so much. but it gets even worse when jo comes in. she enters on stage left w her mom, without her beanie and her flannel tied around her waist wearing a bright pink blouse. “there. i wore it.” she says, visibly shaking and looking away from her mom, almost curling in on herself. she takes the blouse off with unsteady hands, holding it behind her and still looking away. her mom yanks it out of her grip and jo flinches, “i don’t know why i even try, joanne.” as her mom leaves the stage jo quickly puts back on her beanie and flannel, looking terrified and heartbroken, and begins to sing “why won’t you accept who i need to be.” she crosses the stage to stand near phoenix and frankie, shaking and fidgeting the whole time. at the climax they all come to the front, frankie in the center, and just sing their hearts out and they just all look so— desperate. sad. lonely. it’s really just gut-wrenchingly beautiful and sad and just ugh. wow. and as jo starts to walk off stage and the lights fade phoenix asks “do you have a boyfriend?” jo freezes. “a boyfriend?” frankie repsonds, “no.”

now we’re on to the next day and jo is bringing coffee for her and frankie as she meets frankie at the swingset. they talk about last night and jo once again jokes and brushes off the church social she had to go to w her mom: “did you know that god forgives gay feelings as long as you don’t act on them? thanks for the life hack father tim.” then they discuss the party and jo pulls out her phone, showing that people had taken pictures of bella without her shirt on while she was passed out and had posted them all over social media. frankie immediately insists they go visit bella right that second to make sure she’s ok and tell her that they’re here for her. jo follows, in awe of frankie’s bravery and passion. as they head to bella’s we see andrew and nick doing their morning workout, andrew talking about how bella was “all over him” while the ensemble surrounds them, singing “this could get messy.”

we get to bella’s where she’s sitting on her couch in a flannel and sweatpants under a blanket. she eventually tells frankie and jo what happened, how she passed out in an empty room and woke up a few times to andrew assaulting her while she was unable to even talk much less fight back. as she begins to tell her story (it’s truly haunting, she sounds so just dead and done kathryn gallagher is amazing) a soft sound can be heard— the theme from predator. the soft “ooh” from the very start of bella’s song in the second act rings through the otherwise deathly silence as she softly starts to recount the horrors of the night before. frankie and jo immediately tell her that’s rape and she responds “what? no. i’m just a fucking idiot.” they try to assure her she’s not and urge her to go to the police. her response is heartbreaking: “are you kidding me? like i’m really gonna say andrew montefuray… everyone like worships his whole family. there is literally a statue of his grandpa downtown. plus, they never believe anyone anyway.” jo responds “we believe you.” she then reveals that nick saw something at the party and didn’t do anything and frankie goes to confront nick about it. he responds by telling her bella’s always overdramatic, that he shouldn’t be expected to look out for everyone. frankie looks devastated. mj walks in on their fight and, in response to frankie telling her bella was raped, says “you can’t just go calling the police every time a girl gets drunk and there’s some he said she said. these things can happen. i wouldn’t go making this your cause of the week.” cue wake up. frankie sings the opening lines directly to nick and mj, looking both furious and horrified. as the song builds the ensemble joins in and off to the side we see an interrogation room. frankie and jo come in w bella, trying to support her through what looks like a stressful interrogation w an intimidating male police officer who is constantly frowning and interrupting. we don’t get any dialogue from this as the song is happening around them but we see bella look more and more embarrassed and devastated as frankie and jo only look more angry. they eventually leave and andrew takes a seat and has what looks like a pleasant conversation w the policeman that ends in a friendly handshake. at the climax of wake up, after the interrogations, the whole ensemble is on stage and with them are the two moving panels/platforms. the main cast stand on the panels, and the ensemble moves them and flips them, revealing characters that were on the other side in switches so fast it’s incredibly impressive and overall a truly mesmerizing scene. the last line is frankie, alone in center stage with the ensemble behind her looking at mj who is in front of her staring out into the audience as frankie yells “wake up.” stunning.

the last scene of act one is forgiven. wow wow wow. mj goes into the church and begins to pray. she prays for her kids, for her marriage. then she begins to discuss something else. she goes “the last time i asked you for something…. well. you remember back in college. even after that night— that was my fault.” her voice breaks a little, sounding weaker and more scared by the second and once again the soft, ominous theme of predator can be heard in the distance. the same theme from when bella was accounting her assault and the theme that will come back in act two. chills. every time. mj starts to break down then, asking for help w her addiction. she admits she’s having a hard time stopping and begs for assistance. cue forgiven. in comes part of the ensemble— but only the non-male members of the ensemble. stunning. she begins the song and the ensemble moves the church pews and panels in a wonderful bit of choreography as the song grows. by the second chorus bella appears from the back of the stage and slowly walks up to join mj as the non-male members of the ensemble move the pews to surround the two of them. mj and bella stand back to back in front of a semi-circle of the non-male ensemble standing on benches. they chant “sinner! witch! whore!” while mj continues to sing and they point at bella and mj at each word, the lights flashing. it’s haunting. then bella joins the ensemble and they leave as mj moves to exit the church. she’s outside now, snow falling around her as we reach the climax of the song and the rest of the cast joins her on stage one by one. i couldn’t tell this was the case on the cast album but on that last chorus each main character gets their own line over the ensemble as they enter the stage. steve starts, “we all had delusions in our heads,” then nick, “we all had our minds made up for us,” then frankie, “we had to believe in something. so i will,” then andrew “we all had our reasons to be there” then bella, “we all had a thing or two to learn,” then finally jo, “we all needed something to cling to. so we did.” we could talk about how meaningful all of those lines are to each of those characters for hours honestly. and now the whole ensemble begins to join and the chorus only grows, everyone just singing their hearts out as they belt (ELIZABETH’S VOICE WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK) and they end with a haunting final note “amen.” and that’s the end of act one. holy fucking shit.

#jlp #jagged little pill #jagged little broadway #elizabeth stanley #sean allen krill #derek klena #celia gooding #lauren patten #kathryn gallagher

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ttxrtledeerr-olemtala · 4 years ago

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Olem Tala

Main Story (Taussma)

Side note: All of these are mostly unfinished, and i change the stories a lot, so chances are they will change at some point. (Also, if you see any flaws, please point them out, thank you!)

The main story is about a schizophrenic wolf (Winter’s Howl). He ‘hallucinates’ about demons from a hell-like realm called Taussma.

Winter is constantly bullied and pretty much has no friends, so instead of imagining them as the demons they are, he imagines them as good people. He ‘imagines’ that Taussma is a place near where he lives, so he goes out to find it, thinking that he’ll be welcomed there. Well, he isn’t. He realizes that they aren’t as good as he thought they were.

The demons slowly gain more and more power, until somehow, they are physical entities (hopefully that makes sense). He runs away from Taussma after he realizes that they’re slowly trying to kill him, but little does he know, they followed him, and they’re gonna kill him, and everyone else pretty much.

Secondary Stories

Finley (Tw: abusive relationship, murder, etc)

Finley is the story of a woman named, well, Finley. She was forced into a relationship with a controlling and abusive 42 year old man named Scavenger.

Scavenger was very abusive towards Finley, but they end up having 4 kids together: Bella, Ezekiel, Clover, and Max. Finley adored the children, and would do anything for them. Scavenger hated the children and would get annoyed at them even talking to him. Eventually, when Max was 9 years old, Scavenger brutally murdered them.

Finley, rightfully devastated, finally realized that she needed to get away from him. She hid the children from Scavenger, and killed him the same way he killed Max, except this time slower, so that he would feel every bit of pain. She took her children, and they escaped off to a place far away called Taussma.

Greedy (Tw: homophobia, child neglect, etc)

Greedy is about a family of 4 people: Quin, Heinrich, Simon, and Pike. Heinrich is the father of Simon and Pike. He is a very kind man who looks for the good in everyone. Simon is really brave, and is a closeted gay. Pike is really adventurous. Quin is the mother of Simon and Pike. She’s very greedy, selfish, and homophobic.

In the family, there are also two pet foxes named Karkeo and Masseren. Karkeo is very sassy, and kind of a smartass. Masseren on the other hand is more calm.

When Quin finds out that Simon is gay, she beats him and tells him to leave. After he leaves, she takes her anger out on the rest of the family, mainly Heinrich, Pike, and Karkeo.

Sick of her bullshit, Karkeo leaves to go find Simon. Months pass, and Quin becomes more and more hostile. Pike decides that he’d rather die alone looking for his brother than die from neglect, so he leaves. Masseren, being protective over the young boy, follows him. Somehow, they manage to find Simon. Simon is now living with his boyfriend, Cecil.

Meanwhile, back at home. Quin becomes more violent. After a heated arguement between her and Heinrich, she beats him, ties him up with rope covered in thorns, burns the house down with him in it, then runs away to Taussma.

Rainbow (Tw: transphobia, violence, etc)

Rainbow is about a German family with three members. Verdrehte is the mom, Leemit is the older sister, and Viktor is the younger brother. Viktor comes out to Leemit as trans (ftm). Leemit is very supportive of him, and helps him with things like binding, training his voice, etc. She helps him work up the courage to come out to Verdrehte, thinking it would go well, but it didn’t.

Verdrehte was furious, calling him numerous slurs. She also started screaming at Leemit for supporting and helping him. She burned Viktor’s arms, chest, legs, neck, and face, and she broke Leemit’s jaw and nose. She told them that if they tell anybody what she did to them, she would kill them.

Viktor and Leemit both agreed that they would try and run away, and get help. They ran away from home, but Verdrehte caught them. Viktor managed to get away, but Leemit wasn’t as lucky. She was caught, and after refusing to tell where Viktor was, she was killed.

No more (I use humor for this one because I’m not really sure how to explain it in a serious way without it sounding cheesy or cringy. Tw: graphic)

No more is the stereotypical good vs evil story. Taussma is really strong now, so they’re gonna try and kill everybody. Some teenagers and 2 foxes decide that they’re stronger so they fight the demons.

One of the teens (Praise) shot the cougar in the head with a bow and arrow. It went through his brain and somehow put him in a rabid state. Bella somehow managed to yank out her own tooth and its somehow sharp enough to rip someone’s stomach open. She also stabs someone else’s eyes with her teeth and makes them go bilnd.

Eventually the goth h0 almost kills the gay demon prince, which leads to the rest of them retreating.

Canary (I’m gonna use humor again bc this is kinda fun lmao. Tw: abuse)

Canary is about these two twins (Remy and Charlie) who decide that it would be a good idea to explore an ‘abandoned’ factory. They go in and quickly find out that it is in fact, not abandoned. Almost immediately they encounter 3 people. Ryann, Ellie, and Oliver.

Remy and Charlie are seperated, and Charlie encounters some of the people that are stuck there. Some of those people are Pogo, an insane but friendly woman who looks like a cymbal monkey, and Ginny, a motherly woman who kinda looks like a burlesque dancer, and Lola, Ryann’s daughter who was supposed to die a long time ago but he keeps bringing her back to life just to abuse her and treat her like shit.

Remy encounters also encounters different creatures. Their names are Babyface, a mute clown, Herstel, a bear that looks like she got drenched in clown/fun house/carnival acid, and Urlen, a strange looking creature that looks like a combination of a bird, a deer, a sheep, and a very thin cat.

Eventually, Ryann tortures Charlie and tries to get him to show emotion, except he’s physically unable to. Ryann injects Charlie with something that makes him show emotions.

Ryann for some reason decides to burn the place down, with everyone in it, then escape, except the workers there are kinda stupid and forgot to contain literally the most dangerous creature there, which is Con. The cougar who was supposed to die, but didn’t somehow. Con attacks, and kills Ryann. Con tries to kill Charlie, but Pogo comes in and kicks Con into the fire and helps Charlie escape, So then they all escape and go home and pretend that nothing ever happened.

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blookmallow · 5 years ago

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i dont have the energy to go through all my outlast 2 screenshots right now, i have one liveblog post drafted that i was working on before, and now i have a huge pile of screenshots to go through again so there’ll be. at LEAST two more... play by play type posts lmao

so anyway the order’s gonna be kinda weird but my brain is screaming and ive been going through wiki pages for like 2 hours so heres. some thoughts and a lot of questions and some observations i think im. sort of starting to get it,

---

ok so... knoth believed the antichrist was going to be born, apparently he DID think it was going to be from one of his own people, but then. blake and lynn obviously aren’t from his people so i have no idea why he suddenly decided it was on them

marta was his “angel of death” hitman going around murdering people in the name of god

people who got sick (definitely STDs, believed to be the Curse of Sin or whatever but it might have just been anyone who was diseased at all) got banished to the scalled village where they all got HORRIFICALLY sick and infected and have completely lost their minds now abandoned by the church

val broke off from knoth’s church and started the heretics cult, they seem to be. satanists now and are trying to allow the birth of the anti christ but are also constantly trying to kill me to death too

according to the wiki val is almost definitely a trans woman, which. the Only trans character in outlast is a woman who is a violent sexual predator who might be a devil worshipper and has wet dreams about child murder. granted everyone in outlast is fucked up but THAT’S A PARTICULAR KIND OF FUCKED UP

lynn was not visibly pregnant when they crashed, blake claims they hadn’t been sexually active in months so if she was pregnant, it’s not his child. when he finds her again she’s not only very visibly pregnant, but actively going into labor. she calls it “our baby.” blake doesn’t have the chance to ask her how this happened. this is never fucking explained : )

like it doesn’t look like lynn was just like.... reverse c-sectioned and even if someone raped her to force pregnancy she wouldn’t have gone through an entire 9 month pregnancy in ONE NIGHT, so what the FUCK was that about

the wiki mentions its possible the baby isn’t actually real, it apparently doesn’t cast a shadow and lynn has the “there’s nothing there” line, but even if blake hallucinated the pregnancy and the baby (which. at least would explain how the process of “giving birth” took like 3 seconds and she became suddenly 9 months pregnant in one day) why would lynn be reacting as if she was pregnant too. or if they both hallucinated it why did she say “there’s nothing there,” wouldn’t she be able to see it too

anyway jessica, lynn, and blake were all friends in. high school middle school whatever age. it seems like there was some kind of love triangle going on, jessica seems into blake in the flashbacks, blake seems unsure

he starts getting lynn and jessica confused near the end so he might’ve had some kind of feelings for her though, the wiki mentions his complete obsession with saving lynn might have been partly fueled by “i couldn’t save jessica but im going to save lynn im not going to lose them both i HAVE to succeed this time” to the point that they just kind of became the same person in his head by the end

there’s some weird parallels with jessica playfully jumping on him and val pinning him down so its very possible jessica was acting... sexually aggressive toward him, on a much smaller scale of course, but enough that val’s assault triggered the memory

jessica was almost definitely being molested by one of their teachers/church leaders/whatever and blake seems to blame himself for not doing anything about it

i thought jessica killed herself and blake felt responsible for it, maybe figuring the abuse she was enduring from the teacher (and possibly her father, she reacts very afraid when he threatens to call her father) might have been one of the causes, and he didn’t help her

but the wiki says the teacher actually may have killed jessica and forced blake to help cover it up as a suicide, hence... finding her on the stairs. which i guess makes sense too

but the whole flashback thing is never explained?? i guess maybe it really was just trauma manifesting in really fucked up ways and like, that’s still narratively interesting but the fact that it kept crossing over into the real world (the recordings from the flashbacks showed up as corrupted files, so Something happened and it wasn’t just in blake’s head, frequently you get stuck somewhere you can’t escape from, get pulled into the other world, wake up somewhere else entirely) means it’s not just internal so why the FUCK is he crossing dimensions. they don’t tell you!!! i had to go digging on the wiki to figure this shit out

from the wiki:

“The "apocalypse" Blake had witnessed, as well as the nightmarish flashbacks to his childhood, were all just hallucinations induced by the Murkoff Corporation's local Radio Towers.“

WHAT???? IT WAS MURKOFF THE WHOLE TIME

but like. are you telling me it was all a hallucination that was just kind of vaguely mentioned Once. the big reveal/the truth behind it all was literally just hinted about in One Note/One weird encounter with a distant radio tower in ONE SCENE randomly in the middle of the game and never expanded on. what the FUCK kind of writing/game design is THAT

it looks like the “voice of God” knoth was hearing was actually the murkoff frequencies too, but like. fucking why. why were they telling this guy to kill babies and create a murder cult. was it just a “how far can we take this” experiment like the “how badly can we fuck someone’s mind up if we take away their meds and exacerbate their mental illness” thing at mount massive. i mean i guess a corporation that would do That would also probably fuck with a bunch of hyper religious hillbillies too but it just seems way too convoluted for “idk just wanted to see what would happen”

and “maybe if we hide subliminal messages in the radio frequencies we can convince some random guy we’re the voice of God” is. way too specific to actually Work, i guess maybe if they could induce hallucinations they could maybe manipulate peoples’ minds that much more efficiently but like. still. it doesnt fucking make sense!!!!!! why would it manifest as “flashbacks of childhood trauma” in blake and “suddenly im pregnant” in lynn and “God Said I Gotta Kill Everyone” in knoth and “satan said i gotta fuck everyone” in val NONE OF THAT MAKES ANY FUCKING SENSE!!!

APPARENTLY there’s a whole mess of comics that go along with this and hopefully explain shit a little bit more but “explaining what the fuck happened in your game by means of a side comic that isn’t mentioned in said game” is : )

I DONT KNOW. iM SO TIRED ITS 1 AM SOMEHOW

ill go through all my screenshots and shit later maybe that’ll help. something :’) god. I MEAN TO BE FAIR, outlast’s strengths have never been its story telling, it’s a great game for being absolutely scared out of your fucking mind and boy did they ever deliver on that front so like... i guess ultimately i got what i wanted out of it but im still CONFUSED,

i should really have expected this though lmao this is the same thing that happened at the end of outlast 1 i didnt understand anything until 900 wiki pages later and still hated the ending even when i finally did sort of almost understand it

#lucy plays outlast 2 #im losing coherency i dont know if any of this makes sense bUT NEITHER DID THE GAME

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camarilla-intuition · 8 years ago

Photo

Metalocalypse convo with @trans-karkat was just really good so..... Featuring bad mouse pad coloring because prismatic Toki. Closest I get to writing fics is just firing off ideas with Stevie, below the cut is 15 pages worth of au ideas.

Nathan- Sea, water and water creatures. Sound and romantic stuff as minor domains

Pickles- Earth, plants, intoxicants and parties. Probably more

Murderface- Fire, pestilence. Preservation of history

Skwissguard-Air, sky, storms, minor in metal and electricity.

Toki- Death, Heart, colors. extends to like life and souls n stuff.

Minor gods: Abigail viewed as an advisor, Charles as a prophet, Dick Nubbler a messenger, chef zombie and Klokateers as servants. etc.

Camarilla- Okay so..... what if…. they became.... an actual pantheon of gods... cause I have IDEAS

crab - yes yes yes yes yes yes

Camarilla-like Toki is obvious: major powers of death and like side shit of color and maybe more he hasn't bothered to uncover in himself.

Nathan gets Water and sound

Pickles probably of wine/intoxicants but that’s his front for his actual powers more being in like with like plants and earth shit. with like instead of a crown of grapes like in greece it’s a crown of Hops, the kind they use to make beer.

or maybe both.

crab- yheyheayheayheah

he's dionysius basically

Camarilla- Skwissgaar gets skies and all that entails, maybe some fun ass space and storm imagery thrown in.

crab- also fertility

Camarilla- Oh yeah for sure... I started notes in my sketchbook and that is written down first lmao. but Murderface gets fire then idk

crab- fdhjknh

murderface is probably like uhhh

FUCK

HUE SAID PESTILENCE

Camarilla- NICE YES FIRE AND PESTILENCE. just the idea of them getting god powers, trying to keep living their normal lives, while also accidentally doing god shit all over the place is just alsdkjg;ashfd;ajsndfv

crab- yehyehayeahh

YEAAAH

Camarilla- also it's hard to give everyone their own god like aesthetics when they also all need to be metal.... I haven't looked at enough metal fashion lately stevie this is tragic

Crab- YEAH agreed

i need to too .

Camarilla- Also I think Pickles is less an actual Dionysius and more he pretends to be cause that’s more metal than like, a Demeter or some shit.

crab-yehyeah that'd be cool

Camarilla- I was thinking elemental stuff for everyone but none of the elements fit Toki, so Everyone else gets Earth, Water, Fire, air and he's just DEATH

crab-he's like.. a nature god but that kind of thing is his Specialty

fdjgkhjn

YEAHHH

death.............

METAL

he's heart

or.. like

spirit

that's basically death

Camarilla-haha soul energy/ heart/ human element to it yeah that works that’s what they did in that W.I.T.C.H comic using the same words even

Crab- yehyeahyeahh

it manifests both in like

death and also like...

the positive aspects

Camarilla-Earth, fire, Water, Air, Spirit.

yeah i really wana give him like color and light spectrum as a minor power, like maybe how his 'spirit' ability would manifest.

crab-yeah omg

or like.. illusions

slash like.. bringing things to life

he takes life n gives life

Camarilla- but like..... socially/mentally damaged people turned found family, turned odd ball pantheon is MY JAM KINDA STORY

Yeah!

crab-YEAHHHHHH

toki accidentally turns all the shit in his room to life

like.. the model planes n deaddy bear n his other toys

Camarilla- They all have like crowns/ cool god outfits they can customize a la homestuck style but fancier and they all have the doomstar and/or the dethklok symbol on it that won’t go away no matter what color or style they make the outfits.

But holy shit yes good this is good

crab-yehaeyaheyaeyah

skwisgaar can't stop floating

Camarilla-god mode/powers auto give them the fucking dark eye makeup they normally wear on stage but like as a stain/discoloration and at the beginning they only can make the god mode work while performing but eventually the powers pop up more and more.

Crab- yehayeah

skwis keeps accidentally electrocuting people by touching them

Camarilla-toki's crown should look like a skull but like, with a cat ear silhouette and feather details.

crab-YEAAAAAAH

that's good

toki has like.. skeleton wings

Camarilla-but lmao yes little things like that. like Nathan gets angry and water faucets explode a little.

crab-FUCK

skwisgaar orgasms and fucking

it’s like

Camarilla-his crown is a whale and spikes and swirling wave shapes.

OH NO

crab-(thunderclap booms down the hallway, also a woman screaming)

toki: oh he does it again

Camarilla-oh no

it true

crab-yheyheayha that’s good though that’d be a pretty crown

murderface burns his mustache

FUCK

HUE JUST SUGGESTED

SKWISGAAR'S HAIR LIKE

WHENEVER HE GETS A BONER LOOKS LIKE SOMEBODY RUBBED A BALLOON ON HIS HEAD

Camarilla-the fans start to notice the supernatural happenings and the band is just like "What did you think 'Blazing star' meant? god catch up."

Crab-ssjfdghbgh

Camarilla-LMAO I was already picturing that Skwissguard hair just starts doing the drama floaty thing whenever his powers start showing up and the more and more it happens the more his hair is just perma doing the floaty thing.

crab-hue just now- 'pickles doing the deadly hexikicks and a fucking earthquake happens two cities over'

nathan talks to fish

Camarilla-HAHA YEAH THATS THE SHIT. he's bored and standing on the Mordehaus yard or some shit and starts thinking about wine or beer and the grapes just start GROWING from his feet and he doesn't even fucking notice.

YES PLEASE YES GOOD

crab-i mean that’s already fucking canon

but he like.

starts talking to All fish and all fish talk back instead of just the whales.

Camarilla-when nathan has better control he can make those water audio files by himself

crab-murderface can never touch firecrackers without them exploding in his face

Camarilla-yeah!!!!

Good.

crab-he burns his confederate boxers

dfnhbhbh hue just said. he farts fire

Camarilla-someone else takes a sip/eats from something murderface had touched/drank from(probably on accident cause hella ew) and they get like Serious FEVERS for the next 3 weeks if not die from fever.

crab-ok him playing a flaming bass guitar would be pretty cool though

Camarilla-yeah and the SHITTY SHITTY double meaning of flaming... god

crab-HAHAHAHAHA

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

OHHH MY GOD

this is fucking incredible

Camarilla-YEAH GOD

crab-any groupies who touch murderface go home with like. boils

also murderface fucking. makes people puke but mostly makes himself puke

Camarilla-YEAH even more reason to avoid everything about him

crab-like

the powers manifest when he feels disgusted

so when he's looking in the mirror he just

covers himself in like.. Pustules

Camarilla-oh god yeah the powers lean more toward the pestilence side the more self deprecating he is.

Crab-yeaeheyahheyah

Camarilla-maybe that would make the band actually make him go to therapy.

crab-HJDFKBKJGH

Camarilla-CHARLES tho. like nobody expects anyone else to develope any other power but the sheer proximity and attention from the band gods gives a little something to people they favor.

crab-yehayeha and he's like

still the high priest of the church of the black klok

Camarilla-like Charles starts seeing things a few mins before they happen, not everything but small premonitions. and they get more useful and farther ahead the more he realizes them. he also starts seeing when people lie, or even when they are hiding something.

crab-YESSS

Camarilla-YEAH lmao

crab-and he's like.. partially immortal

Camarilla- yes good.

Abigail notices that other people just listen better to what she says, like they obey her easier. probably also something more subtle like extremely good luck that ers on the side of probablility manipulation. her other clients she produces for just get better and better cause she’s there and making it work.

Crab-yheyeayheah

Camarilla- Dick Nubbler guy gets like Synesthesia like visual cues at sound, his engineering doubles in efficiency and skill.

crab-yeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah

like.. Technomancy

Camarilla-basically yeah!

idk who else is around the band a lot?

crab-yeah uhhh

i think that’s about it tbh

jean pierre but he's not exactly ..... human

Camarilla-yeah honestly....

hes like.... just a undead minion basically....

OH! the Klokateers start getting stronger, fewer die form weird accidents.

Crab-yeyaheayeha

Camarilla- better reflexes, better constitution. that pyrotechnics explosion that should have killed them just bruises them now.

crab-Hell Yeah

god... this would be so good

Camarilla-the longer you stay working for them the better you feel, even if it's not the same kind of direct influence that people the band favors would get.

Crab-yheyheah

Camarilla- LMAO RIGHT??? the ideal little things that i know won’t ever happen in canon

crab-what would like............ happen plot wise......

Camarilla-IDK

Crab- i guess they would just sort of serve to like

gain even more esteem with humanity and even more of a following

Camarilla-just weird god shit preparing them to fight/defend themselves and the world from the half man

crab-they had a following as celebrities but this is the next level so that like

people actually start legit worshipping them on a god basis and like..... are prepared to follow them wherever they're supposed to lead humanity

Camarilla-well like then you get into the discussion of when you compare celebrities in pop culture to the idolization of old gods. It’s a comparison people have made before, it would almost seem natural for the progression of their popularity

crab-eyaheayh

but they definitely like need something to push them out of the celebrity bubble and into like....... Oh, These People Are Shepherding Humanity

bc at least in the eyes of the governments and shit they’re still just some dudes

Camarilla-But then you have the weirdness of your gods living among you and making mistakes. being much more imperfect and greek god like.

crab-yesssssssssssssss

me: My People Had It Right

Camarilla-I think there would always be the possibility of denial, so you’d need something like when the greek gods did, giant acts of impossible power, to really prove them wrong but the boys are just... too damn lazy for that shit

crab-yheayehayeh

people online keep try to like

debunk everythign

Camarilla- so they just end up existing in this weird limbo of gods/not gods, until their immortality would start catching up with them lmao

crab-yess

i think they'd be stuck at the ages they were when salacia 'started' the klok by killing that dude

Camarilla-They wouldn't even care cause like hey them trying to doubt our awesome superpowers isn't half as bad as some of the other stuff the media/fans have tried to do before

crab-yeah lmao and also they don’t give a shit about the fans

Camarilla-but yeah!

Crab- they start having to fight / have conflicts with other deity like entities or whatever the hell salacia is , like..

things or people from wherever he came from

Camarilla-YEAH that’s good for short term conflict. but like, any decent group of people turned immortals/gods would probably sit back and try to let the world and humanity run itself cause like how are you ever gonna keep up with so much change if you're an immortal with the mind of a normal ass dude.

crab-ye

oh also nathan can breathe water

nathan just fuckin starts hanging out in the mariana trench

Camarilla-but those boys probably wouldn't care so much, they'd just keep doing what they want and the world would just have to LIVE with these rude as fuck Jack offs being sometimes gods.

Crab- fdngnkh

i think it’d be hilarious if they hadn't actually done anything like that until they realized that

but that's PROBABLY statistically impossible

Camarilla-they have to fucking... run halfway across their universe to hopefully avoid the other band mates noticing since it's like.... a really uncontrolled moment of power if they aren't careful.

crab-skwisgaar's thing is less about creating life and more about extending himself and his energy, and creating like.. a web of life and particle interaction

Camarilla-everyone still probably notices real quick tho.

Yeah!

crab-HAHAHAHA

Camarilla-like the way the wind travels, is everywhere reaches out over the globe that kinda thing.

crab-yeah because toki has literal lightning in his eyes for years after

Camarilla-also it could be centuries into this god shit and they'd all just... keep calling each other band mates outside of stressful situations.

crab-HAHAHAHA

the terminology takes on a whole different cultural meaning

bandmates are closer than brothers and soulmates

the band never catches on

Camarilla-lmao yes! prolonged physical contact with one another affects them in slightly subtler ways than it would a mortal but still does. especially if sex/feelings are involved.

lmao YEAH god

I'd think that an immortal swiss would still sleep around where he could, but like, Toki wouldn't so much and that would be ANOTHER thing they both avoid addressing for a LONG ass time. haah IMMORTALITY suckers.

crab-YEAH lmao

since it's just with mortal beings toki would be like

eh, they dies anyways

his insecurity issues get a lot better as like.. thousands of years go by

and he wouldn't care if it was with the other guys because they all do it eventually

UFKCING

Camarilla-I think that for any mortal Toki is close too there are.. les obvious signs than the other leave. like it's so rarely happens but it still does sometimes and almost none of it's a physical sign. they can start seeing more colors in the world then they thought possible and like... yeah good

crab-nathan: hey guys, uhh. so i've been thinking, and.... you know how like. we ain't exactly human anymore, right. nathan: like. look at toki, he's a fuckin bipedal rabbit with like four heads and glitter for breath. also cut that shit out, it's not biodegradable. nathan: anyway point is nathan: is being gay even like. a thing

Camarilla-they all are super close probably but also need afucking break sometimes. so maybe they just try to live lifetimes as normal as they can. as normal as the lives they missed out on the first go around. even tho they wouldn't give that up for the whole universe.

crab-the rest of them: uhhhh

yeyheayheah

toki can be found in like

almost any large group of children

go into a chuck e cheese. he's there in the ball pit, eight years old

Camarilla-everyone has those DUMB ass shocked expressions they all make for like.... a soild three hours straight, at the least.

YES GOOD IDEAL

crab-YEHAEYAHEYAH

skwisgaar can usually be found at those kinds of things too, half the time if toki's there he's in the background standing around

he makes the animatronics dance

Camarilla-HA yes good. Murderface just, starts being at events that will later be viewed as historically important. none of them have time/spacial based powers but it’s just this uncanny thing cause he WANTS to witness history so bad.

crab-yheayehaeyah

if anybody figures out how to time travel it's him

Camarilla-hmm yeah.

crab-that would have the potential to seriously fuck w things though

so idk if itd happen

OH I DIDNT READ UR TIME SPACIAL BASED POWERS BIT

gjkhlj

yeah i agree i think.

it's more of a like.. nostalgia history thing

none of them are smart enough to do math and timespace powers require math

Camarilla-lmao but like. people all the time, hear the stories and lowkey view figures like Charles, Abigail, Dick, as like minor gods. minor parts of the pantheon. prophet, guide/advisor, messenger type roles.

but yeah that was my thought!

crab-yeahyeah

god

theyre gods but they can't ufkcing do math still

they all refuse to learn

Camarilla-GOD oh no

crab-skwisgaar has an instinctual understanding of particle physics but he won't fucking learn to do long division

Camarilla-but then they'd have to bother to learn how each different place does the math stevie! who wants to do that!

crab-YEAH

Camarilla-lmao he's just listening to some scientist in an interview or documentary on tv explain how they could get this great machine or theory to work, honestly they’re just so close! just have to figure out the right adjustment!

and he just

slips right over and does the damn thing like 'you fools look this is EASY.'

crab--boops one electron into place-

'see??? was thats so hards'

Camarilla-"HOW are you doing that?" "I donts sknow i just ams. look you just put yours hands out here and just." "NO BUT HOW??"

crab-'you know, you moves the... and then bing bangs, boom'

Camarilla-their god powers have a scientific base but god forbid they are ever able to explain how their shit works. like they are more than human but they still exist within the universe and it's rules.

crab-YEAH

they have a really high like.. powerful understanding of things innately within them but like

they're still dumb as hell

Camarilla-of course!

crab-when toki gets a better grip on his powers and how they're linked to him emotionally surveillance footage from multiple hospitals shows a like. ten ish year old boy walking into the kids wards, saying hello to everybody individually, and walking out moments before doctors realize that Literally Everything all the children were there for has been cured

Camarilla-they just, as much as they NEED people and life around cause they still have mostly mortal minds, they also just, don't actively care that much. they basically probably make sure that the civilizations they look over don't completely destroy one another and that they have internet and a media to be on. Haha

crab-yehyeah

eventually toki gets sort of jaded by death and stops healing people, because they just.. die eventually anyway in a few years

he has a soft spot for kids though

he mostly just does it when people pray specifically to him.

crab-so people learn to do that lmao

Camarilla-so more little things and acts with the very occasional GRAND performance and they keep the big impossibilities to a level that people can still deny if they want! and that doesn't matter to them so much, makes them feel more like they did backs as mortals, back as just a normal band again!

Crab-yehyeah

Camarilla-but still all the little impossibly things happen around them and they still just have that undeniable godly magnetism to their music!

Crab-yessss

Camarilla-hha toki taking care of sick kids is my fave yes good

crab-yesss

reports roll in of a series of allegedly abusive parents being attacked by impossibly large falcons

Camarilla-it maybe creeps everyone out when Toki pretends to be a kid again but they also all get it like yeah. even tho like sometimes they'd probably feel too big to even fit in any 'human' form so like why bother when it feels so weird. but even tho MF holds on to the human traits the longest, Toki is the one who spends the most time actively TRYING to look human!

crab-yehyeah

he's just.. bad at it sometimes

kids don't care though

Camarilla-YES! he just lives out the kinds fo rescues and fantasies he probably had. and with his new form and understanding he never ever has to feel cold again!

Crab-yehyeah

Camarilla-Skwiss probably helps with that bit

crab-people try to appeal to skwisgaar for romantic help but that's actually nathan's department

Camarilla-preventing the cold, teaches him how to direct the energy in that way. like not a step by step lesson, no science to it. it's all about feeling the energy and how it's working and all the little factors of weather and thermodynamics turned into metaphors based in music and chords

Crab-yehyheyheah

Camarilla-but he still explains it and Toki gets it pretty easy

crab-that's so good

#Metalocalypse #sketches #my art #au #ancient immortal gods #are the shit #Pickles #Nathan Explosion #Toki Wartooth #skwisgaar skwigelf #listen it was a stretch to get me to like this show cause it is very much not my usual shit but this kinda stufff #this is why i watched it and also for stevie it was fun!

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princelucivaryaslana · 7 years ago

Text

hngh

what’s it like having parents that care about you?

Like, lemme be clear; the only abuse my parents can be accused of is emotional negligence and, in the case of my mom, emotional abuse. I write in tags and stuff all the time about how both of them have the collective emotional intelligence of a 7-year-old with adhd, and I wish to god I was exaggerating. But that’s all, the only physical stuff I dealt with was the occasional spanking on my behind with a hand.

My dad has a reason for being the way he is, since his mom emotionally (and probably physically let’s be real she was a huge bitch) abused his dad and probably him, and he vowed never to let a woman treat him that way, even if it meant treating his wife the way his mother treated his dad. As for my mom, as far as I can piece it, despite having six siblings she was at least her dad’s favorite, and she idolized her mom something fierce. I can only imagine being married to a man who didn’t love her and who emotionally (and probably physically lets be real he used to not even let her visit her family and made her quit a well-paying job because it wasn’t “a woman’s place”) just so she could have children like she wanted, only for her husband to have some accident that left him infertile and left her only the option to adopt two children who had already experienced trauma and to watch her husband emotionally (and definitely physically, my mom told me of instances where he’d broken their teeth and gave them bruises) abuse them as well as her and to exacerbate that abuse because it was the only way she could feel in control.....could do that to a person.

Luckily for me and unfortunately for my aunt and birthmom, I was a pretty low-key kid to raise compared to them, what with my aunt exhibiting behaviors that could be attributed to borderline personality disorder and my birthmom having stereotypical “daddy issues” and running away at 16 to be with some guy, only to come back home covered in lice. They also had the misfortune of living with my dad when he was still young and hadn’t lost 80% of his lung capacity to pneumonia yet, so he hadn’t mellowed out and had a lot more energy to take out his own trauma on them.

I was fortunate in that 1) they had me my whole life so I didn’t have the chance to have sexual and physical trauma thrust upon be before age 5, 2) despite the fact that I was a grade A brat when I was little, all you had to do was scold me sternly enough to make my emotional ass cry and I’d immediately give in and come to you for comfort, and 3) despite having some.....deeply disturbing thoughts, I enthusiastically honored and feared authority (unless my mom told me to fold the laundry and sweep my room lmao) and drew and read when I wasn’t doing homework, so I wasn’t very much trouble at all compared to them. The worst I ever got was when homework started getting hard for me and my parents couldn’t understand why, so most of our conversations about that ended either with me in screaming arguments with my mom about grades because neither of us knew why I was doing so poorly (hint: it was undiagnosed inattentive ADHD that no one knew I had because I enjoyed quiet hobbies) and me being grounded V E R Y frequently, or else it ended with her bargaining with me to try to motivate me to do better (hint: it never worked because when I tried to force myself to do homework I always ended up crying because I couldn’t make myself do it and I had to rely on in-class work and tests to coast by). Since that was the worst of it and not me, say, sneaking a boy into my room so we could fuck, only for my dad to find out and chase him across the yard with his rifle to scare him away, they didn’t really have a whole lot of trouble with me. That’s not to say my dad wasn’t ridiculous still, I’m p sure he threatened to call the cops on me a couple times when I was like 19 despite the fact I wrote him a note telling him where i was going and what exact time I intended to be home by that day, although I can’t for the life of me remember where I was going. All I know is that my mom talked him out of it by telling him exactly how dumb he sounded and how the police would never take him seriously because he cosigned me onto the car insurance.

Funny how they only ever had my back if it went against each other.

Whatever. Despite all that, and despite how well they looked after me physically (I went to the doctor annually and the dentist semiannually, any dental work I needed done got done, they fed me well enough I’ve been fat my whole life and Mom bought me so many clothes I only ever wore 1/3 of them regularly, and they even indulged me with books and, a little more rarely, art supplies), they were always...kinda ass...at taking care of me mentally and emotionally. Like I said, neither of them could figure out why I was doing so poorly in school after showing so much promise, and while they were really good at the emotional care that little kids need (my dad used to read to me and let me take naps on his belly and rode bikes with me, and they both used to take me on car rides and tell me about the world and their pasts), the older I got the less equipped they were to fulfill my emotional needs. Even when I finally decided I needed to talk to someone about the severe depression I developed after I broke up with a guy who enjoyed exacerbating the guilt I felt for breaking up with him and after the whole AidanReese fiasco, my mom had to go behind my dad’s back to take me to therapy because he doesn’t believe in psychology and thinks that all psychologists think Christians are delusional and sick in the head, and all I ever heard from my mom was that fact and the fact that she was super shitty that she had to pay $20 every week for me to go to therapy just to see no improvement on my “attitude” and grades, despite the fact that she refused to drive any farther than the town she grew up in and despite the fact that that “therapist” was a lawyer with a PsyD who did therapy on the side. Mom’s real good at making you feel bad about things you can’t control.

I’ll give them the benefit of the doubt by saying they’d never had the chance to develop that skill because they hadn’t ever had a “normal” kid before, because though they didn’t understand my passion for music and art and stories, they tried their best to support those parts of me, and I will never forget that no matter how much I hate them now. My dad even funded my brief time as a music performance major because he and I genuinely believed that I loved it enough and was good at it enough to make a life out of it, and he never once tried to convince me to do something else when I told him it was what I wanted. I’ll never forget that either, as much as I have to hate him. Also, my mom sorta understood, although she could never really accept, that I wasn’t exclusively into dudes and that I didn’t want to get married, and she was even the one who actually came to me about me being trans because she read an article in the paper about it and realized a lot of what the lady in the article talked about could be attributed to me, although I couldn’t confirm nor deny it to her because it’s impossible to explain nonbinary as an identity to 70-year-old women. She never spoke a word of it to my dad. That was genuinely the closest she ever got to acknowledging my personhood, and I will never forget that either, as much as I have to hate her.

The only thing I wish they’d been able to give me is the love I needed. I wish I didn’t find the idea of openly sharing myself with my parents as grotesquely absurd and hilariously nonsensical as I do. I wish that my mom could see me as a person with desires and needs, and not as a sentient malfunctional doll. I wish I didn’t have to move away from my parents to finally have boundaries with my mom because she couldn’t ever really respect that I am a person and not her toy. I wish my mom wouldn’t see every behavior and ideal of mine that wasn’t in line with hers as an intentional and direct slight and an indication that I hated her instead of just an expression of myself. I wish my dad wasn’t the type of person to subtly give me the silent treatment the year I chopped all my hair off, just to start speaking to me again when I realized the reason for the silence was because he thought I was indirectly telling the world I was gay and I reassured him that I wasn’t (it was a half-truth, after all, so I wasn’t technically lying). I wish that I didn’t have to actively lie about small details of my life because the simple idea of me not wanting children and not wanting to have sex with another human being isn’t one my mom accepts or my dad would understand, so living with primarily men as a “girl” would make them see me as the same as my aunt and birthmom, which is ABSOLUTELY UNACCEPTABLE to me. I wish I didn’t have to drop subtle hints to my dad that I’m still a Christian for fear of him finding out I’m not and removing me from his will.

I just...wish my parents loved me instead of either just doing their duty as a parent or seeing me as a toy, and I wish I loved them enough to not only see them as the gateways to the bee farm I intend to manage when they die and I get their house.

because i really need a hug from a parent figure that I care about and who cares about me right now

#i'm not mad about anything #I'm just really craving parental affection #this is really long #and I wish I could say it's melodramatic because it reads like it is #so if you don't care skip it #and if you're a nosey bitch go right ahead just know there's a lot to read and it's probably repetitive #im so fucking touch starved fuck #I know for a fact I wouldn't have had to struggle to learn how to be a human if I'd had help #I know also that I might have actually grown to be a good person if I'd had that kind of warmth #shit sucks #I can only imagine how bad it is for people who have actual problems lmao

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