#kinda poetic that it was the first plant i ever bought

[mentalmeles]

Against my better judgement, I am back on my bullshit.

[dormarunt]

You've got great theories, maybe you also have one for this: Pedro, Hovik, Rodrigo and Luka filmed something in Tenerife at a port. What scene could it be? Gold extraction plans from before the kiss scene? Also, why Bogota and Marselle weren't there in the Mint? Martín's absence was expalined (kinda), but they could have joined, at least Marseille, since he's a soldier. What do you think?

Pedro, Hovik, Rodrigo and Luka filmed something in Tenerife at a port. What scene could it be?

So unless they flew Pedro to Tenerife with the guys so he'd just hang out and provide us with Instagram content, they're filming a flashback scene. It has to be set at least 5 years before the Spain heist so maybe we get some info on how they met or how they worked together, what sort of dynamic they have. It seems too early to "plant" something that might help them for the Spain heist (unless it's the location itself that helps them? or it sparks some useful idea idk) so, I don't know? Not a lot to go on other than "them heisting/scoping something together". But I'd love for it to be related to the gold though.

Also, why Bogota and Marselle weren't there in the Mint?

So, like-- not just because the characters of Bogota and Marseille weren't invented when they filmed the first heist, right? Okay.

I'm thinking, how about Rafael really takes to the life of crime presented to him by his father? It was in his blood anyway, for three generations. He steals Tatiana from Andres, and then they steal together, just like Andres used to do with her. Maybe he's doing all of those robberies (that I decided he's doing) in order to get the money to pay his father back for his studies, so he doesn't feel like he owes him anything anymore.

But because he's his father's son, Andres doesn't really trust him, and he sends Marseille and Bogota to "help" him - he did offer them two to Rafael as a ~gift ("Go forth and do crime with these gentlemen," Andres said). Rafael knows that it's his dad keeping an eye on him, but he's not averse to having a couple of experienced sidekicks by his side in this new life of his.

Rafael is living his best life (of crime) when the Mint heist happens. He hears about it on the news but doesn't worry - with Sergio and Andres at the helm, nothing could go wrong. Except his father dies, and it really hurts.

He doesn't hear from Sergio for over two years - apparently someone in their team was captured, and Sergio plans to get him back. He's gathering the team at the monastery that Andres bought some years back, and he needs Marseille and Bogota to help him - but he also needs Rafael. No one knows that Sergio's visiting him - not even Raquel - because Rafael is their last contingency, their last hope. He agrees to help. In a way, he feels like he owes it to his father.

It comes to be that they actually do need Rafael. He's the one that gets them out safely. The team escapes to an airfield, and then take off to a location that not even the Professor knows.

Sergio is captured, despite Alicia's attempts to save him - regardless of everything, Sergio was the reason her daughter was born safely so she ends up on his side for a while. However, when the police find them, she goes on to claim that she was trying to turn him in all that time, trading Sergio's freedom for her chance to save her reputation and to get back in the rotten system that she loves. Sergio doesn't disprove her.

He's taken away and tortured like Rio was - poetically, by Alicia, who knows enough to play with his head more effectively than she ever could with Rio - but he doesn't sell anyone out. He wouldn't; not even if he knew anything about where they were. He tells Alicia everything about both plans, because they've already happened so it doesn't matter - now it's just him showing the police his beautifully crafted poems.

We got Rafael, watching the news with a worried Tatiana beside him. There's no mention of Sergio on the news. They surely have him hidden and tortured, he realizes.

He flicks his glasses up his nose, goes to this map of the city. He smiles.

"We have to save Sergio - and I have a plan."

END SCENE.

[flying-elliska]

salut ellie! someone once asked you about your writing and you recommended falling in love with language and finding ways of writing you love. i was wondering, what books and/or writing styles are you in love with? it's just so interesting to know what somehow had an impact on the way you're writing bc i honestly adore your style

wow do you remember that ? that is such a flattering question oh my god. well, i’m still working on it. some of my favorites are (i’m very eclectic lmao) : 

- His Dark Materials (it’s a fantasy book series ‘for kids’ but it’s actually insanely deep and philosophic) is pretty much the first book series that made me fall in love with stories, and made me want to write. I think I found it when I was 10, and it completely shaped me. It’s so ambitious and clever, it never talks down to the reader, brings up those amazing worlds and philosophical concepts and is still accessible to kids. Most of all it is so committed to atmosphere, to making it vivid, to really make you go through what the characters are. I’m thinking of it and I can remember exactly certain passages in an almost sensory way : the witch Serafina Pekkala describing what it feels like to feel the Aurora Borealis on her bare skin as she is flying through the arctic. The polar bear Iorek giving Lyra frozen moss to help bandage his wounds after a battle. The grilled poppy heads that the Jordan College scholars at Oxford eat during a meeting. The little Gallivespians on their dragonflies and the way the sun reflects off their poisonous spurs. That’s how you make a story stick ; that’s how you can put in deep stuff without ever making it boring. I am so excited they’re making a tv series because that shit deserves some recognition. And I mean the whole plot about the importance of stories, free will, the horror of religious fundamentalism....always relevant. Philip Pullman’s stuff is great in general, I love his Sally Lockhart series, which is more adult and adventure focused, and is a great deal of fun. And of course, the sequel to HDM he’s been putting out recently. 

- I spent a lot of my teen years reading either crime novels or historical novels. (When I think of some of the stuff I read when I was 13 I’m like oh my god what were my parents doing lmao some of that was really horrible.) And I think it gave me a good feeling for suspense and setting, and how important tension is. One of my all time faves is Andrea Japp. She is a French writer who does mostly crime, involving complex/monstrous woman characters and a very sensory, poetic approach to language, often involving food, plants and poisons. My favorite by her is the “Season of the Beast”/Agnès de Souarcy chronicles, which is a crime series set in medieval times, with a cool independent lady at its core, crimes in a monastery, and this very gloomy end of times vibe that I love. I also read a lot of Scandi Noir stuff, I love the kind of ...laconic approach to life. And again : vibe. Vibe is so important. And Sherlock Holmes stories. I love the Mary Russell series that take place in that universe and are basically a big Mary Sue self insert guilty pleasure but are just. So much fun. 

- I like poetry a lot - not stuff that is too wordy, but something short, sharp and vivid. i think reading poetry is essential to feeding your inner ‘metaphor culture’. I love Mary Oliver. Rimbaud, too, that I read at 17 and rocked my world. One of my underrated faves is  Hồ Xuân Hương, a Vietnamese poet from the 18th century who was adept at using nature metaphors to hide both erotic stuff, irreverent jokes, and political criticism, and correspond with all the great scholars of her time under a pseudonym. Badass.  Recently I bought ‘Soft Science’ by Franny Choi, which is about cyborgs, having a female body, emotions and politics and it’s absolutely brilliant. 

- I love reading fairy tales, too. Currently reading (i always read a lot of books at once lol) Angela Carter’s Book of Fairy Tales, basically fairy tales for grown ups, collected from folklore all over the world, with an amazing kind of gruesome humor and wisdom. Norse mythology is also so damn funny. That one bit with Thor dressing up as a bride or Loki’s shenanigans...amazing. And I like fantasy, I find it very soothing to read for some reason, my fave has to be Robin Hobb and her Realm of the Elderlings series. And Terry Pratchett, especially the series with Death or the Witches. Just brilliant. Neil Gaiman too. 

- I tend to be very impatient when it comes to literary fiction, I find a lot of it is self-indulgent, dreary. I’m a genre reader through and through, I need to be amazed. I loved ‘the Elegance of the Hedgehog’ by Muriel Barbery though. Some stuff by Amélie Nothomb, Virginie Despentes occasionally (they’re French writers with a very dark, wry approach to life, tho the first is more polished acid and the second very punk rock). And ‘Special Topics in Calamity Physics’ by Marisha Pessl is pretentious as hell but a lot of fun, if you like dark academia. Salman Rushdie has a way with language that is amazing. 

- I read a lot of non-fiction. At the moment : the Cabaret of Plants (about the symbolic/socio historical meaning of plants and how they shaped history) by Richard Mabey and ‘Feminist Fight Club’ by Jessica Bennett. One I absolutely love is ‘the Botany of Desire’ by Michael Pollan in which he traces the history of four plant species (apple, potato, cannabis, tulip) and how they impacted us as much as we impacted them. I was obsessed with plants for most of my life as you can see lol (my mother is a herbalist and I wanted to become a botanist for quite a while.). Also philosophy/anthropology in little bits. I love Tim Ingold. Things about witches. Anything by Rebecca Solnit is incredible. 

- I’ve been reading a lot of YA recently, because it’s fun and quick and keeps me reading, and has a lot of good female characters. Big fave recently : Jane Unlimited by Kristin Cashore. It’s about a young bisexual woman who’s grieving and comes to this weird house full of doors, each of which leads to a different path in life, and we follow her through each choice she can potentially make, each of one becomes a different genre of story : creepy ghost story, spy story, sci-fi, cute romance, etc. It’s so innovative and it’s a story that is also bisexual culture at its core. Also I absolutely love love love love love (etc forever) the Raven Cycle series by Maggie Stiefvater. What she does with language is just so cool, because she stays simple and efficient but uses her metaphors in such a fulgurant, vivid way. Some of her lines are just. bam! genius. #goals. Also Ronan Lynch is probably THE character that helped me the most with my coming out. He’s one of my forever faves.  Of course Harry Potter, lmao, I was of the generation that pretty much grew up with him, the last book came out when I was 17. JK Rowling really should just stop rn. But I learned so much from those, about the importance of making your story feel like home, and having a clear emotional journey. And Harry is such a sarcastic little shit, I love him. And I love a Series of Unfortunate Events too, the darkly funny tone of it, the celebration of knowledge and resilience. 

- I think in terms of the classics (I had to read in school lmao), I do like Victor Hugo a lot even though some of his stuff just doesn’t fucking stop. I also like Balzac and his Comédie Humaine, he’s very observant, mean and funny when it comes to people (even though it’s depressing.) Colette is my grandma’s fave writer and she is a rockstar, I love her (also hella bi culture). Jane Austen is great, I read Pride and Prejudice in one night straight, I was so hooked. Love Jane Eyre too. I read On the Road by Jack Kerouac while hopped up on opioid pain killers and that’s probably the only way to appreciate it, but it did mark me.  

- But to be completely fucking candid, I probably read the most fanfic nowadays still. Esp since I got to college, I need to unwind when I read, and having characters you already know can be so comforting. Now, of course, there’s a lot of fanfic that is just fluff (nothing wrong with that) but I honestly really believe in the literary value of fanfic. Because some of that shit simply just really slaps and is well written. But also as a genre on its own : you just simply don’t get so much emotional nuance, and depth in most other things. Because these are characters we already know and the writers are not afraid to be self-indulgent and plot is secondary, we see shades of things that we never see anywhere else, we see relationships developping in the small things and wow that shit is breathtaking, bro, sometimes. The art of infinite variation on a theme. Even though a lot of fic writers could use a bit of stricter editing, and do stuff a bit too many unnecessary details in here, so does Victor Hugo soooooooo....

lol i could go on forever. i love book soooo much. uni kinda killed my reading appetite, I used to read several books a week when I was in middle school. hope i can get back there (although maybe not as much bc i have a life now lol.) but thinking about everything i have yet to read makes me sooooo happy. I want to get more into sci-fi, English lit classics. Basically I like stuff that’s witty, dark, political, hedonistic, with dry humor, but a warm heart. Stories that celebrate knowledge, curiosity and human weirdness. And that gets to the point. When I get bored by a book, I put it down, because I just don’t have the time. I also hate writers where you can tell that they think they’re better than other people. Misanthropy is boring. Thank you for this question anon I had a blast

[demonphannie]

dan and phil - july 2017

7/12

first week (1-7): crash bandicoot review from dan. wow phil tweets about crash bandicoot. more crash bandicoot tweets (when will they play for the gaming channel?!?!?!). thomas sanders is a darling and loves dan and phil. phil ordered pizza to the old phlat. dan and phil in YOUTUBERS REACT TO BTS (K-Pop). phil liked baby driver. new gaming video: DIL GIVES BIRTH! - Dan and Phil Play: Sims 4 #42. dan enjoys sharing with the internet that phil finds it stupid that dan wears a hoodie and his boxer briefs around the house. fourth of july pancake tweet #content. dan liveshow! (highlights: missing the america flight, people were doing shots on the plane, he pet a lot of dogs in la, cool fka twigs merch, dan basically just took a facebook pillow from vidcon without consent, dogs and babies make him happy, also asparagus, he doesn’t wanna give dalien to the aliens, lorde is good, also vince staples, he was nervous curling phil’s hair, dan is dumb and thinks yoi is queerbaiting, dan wants a grand piano). phil hates grapefruit. dan loves it when you call him danyul howul. phil bought a v v tall houseplant and also they have round walls. phil liveshow! (highlights: he thought it would be a smaller plant, jetlaggy, he feels a sore throat coming on, phil is not an iron man supporter, get on the right team, iron man is overrated, stop living in the past, fruity juggler, cat’s dog sigma is v v good, the next sims is a house decorating, baby driver was good, phil is a finger guns kinda guy, scary spider means it’s time to move, he took a quiz and he is a humanitarian, hamsters are my city). anthony padilla series pt i:  Stop saying we look alike! (ft. Daniel Howell). marshmallow drinks from phil. 

second week (8-14): london pride tweets from dan and phil ❤️💛💚💙💜. also dan is there in spirit and if i’m not mf crying right now??????? wow. new gaming video: STOP SEARCHING FOR THIS! - Dan and Phil Play: HIGHER OR LOWER. dan is the mom friend as confirmed by anthony. phil loved spiderman homecoming. “Does it count as half a press-up if I just lie on the floor?” inspirational quotes from phil lester. watch dan and phil play ddr it’s good. the rain is god peeing on you. new daniel howell video: Would you date THE REAL Dan? (what a loser honestly). phil gets emotional over undercover boss. dan realized that he was flirting with all his neighbors on tinder. phil liveshow! (highlights: he placed a plant behind him but it doesn’t usually go there phil lester is a fake, he isn’t sick as he thought, fruity boye, crash bandicoot playing with dan, it’s not vodka it’s water, going to wimbledon on sunday!!!!, appreciating tennis face, voting for what shirt he’s going to wear, dan thinks he looks like a white science teacher, the pug shirt wins, he’s happy dan is taking care of the houseplants, excited for game of thrones, ice cream floats are good, the lesters used to go to lagos every summer in the same house, portugal with the lesters stories, excited for stranger things, get someone that knows law to check your renting contract, phil is a unicorn hipster, he does a buzzfeed quiz, anthony uploading bloopers with dan is an excuse to leave). anthony padilla series pt ii: Stop saying we look alike! [BLOOPERS] (ft. Daniel Howell). dan and phil raised a lot of money for the red cross with the manchester shirts good job boyes! new amazingphil video/anthony padilla series pt iii: Anthony, Dan or a RAT? NATHAN ZED POSTS A PIC OF THEM TOGETHER WOW THANK YOU GOD.

third week (15-21): dan is back in his hometown acting like a fucking ninja. dan posts a really good pic of colin (the howells’ dog) and i would not only like to thank god but jesus as well. time isn’t real (source: AmazingPhil). dan and phil in YOUTUBERS REACT TO ODDLY SATISFYING COMPILATION #2. day in the life at wimbledon: dan posts a really genuinely super nice selfie thank you god, strawberries and cream selfie, selfie from the court, some nice shots of dnp at the game, also spotted in this video. phil is blocking out the GoT spoilers (and i guess dan is too). phil asks what the next season of dan and phil plushies should be and pastel wins (what the fuck guys why didn’t pajamas win i’ve literally be screaming). phil has laryngitis and dan weighs in for honestly no reason why does he keep trying to be noticed by phil. dan liveshow! (highlights: dan has social anxiety but he’s plenty confident, dan likes his youtube comments, big ant, he flirted with everyone in a kilometer radius so he literally was just flirting with his neighbors, that’s why he can’t leave the house, dan watched back phil’s liveshow to hear him say anal tampon, being back in wokingham was scury, wimbledon talks, they got there in a taxi in the special entrance and almost got arrested, dan loves pimms, jim and tanya were there, filmed a tomska sketch, dunkirk talks, philly is still sicky). phil’s voice is coming back! PHIL HITS FIVE MIL!….on twitter :/. fdjknvxc someone received merch that’s not released yet. phil liveshow! (highlights: it’ll be short because he was told not to talk, he went to the dentist, vocal range testing, hah what merch that leaked, fruit flies but no fruit, phil is the fruit). dan is a heckler. anthony padilla series pt iv: wtf am i doing (ft. Phil). new merch! backpacks and pastel edits poster.

fourth week (22-31): happy coaster via phil lester photography. dan is just stupid and thought he was stuck in a lift. new gaming video: ‘Stormy Ascent’ - THE HARDEST CRASH BANDICOOT LEVEL EVER (this is god tier gaming). twitter games with phil. dan is in a tomska vlog: Last Week I Got A Gun. new daniel howell video/anthony padilla series pt v: PSA: Stop Emo Shaming. guilty pup phil knocked down soundproof boards in the gaming room with his thicc ass. dan liveshow! (highlights: in the moon room, he doesn’t want to share the room with the internet because it’s not aesthetically appealing, mirror themed items, he wrote the emo shaming video in the car on the way to anthony’s house, dan waxes poetic about emo culture, phil cursing, he got rejected from mark and spencer’s, they are trying to do livestream gaming, unironic candle haul maybe, make a wish tomorrow, guild wars two things, myspace talks, he likes tyler the creators new album and i agree, likes new louis tomlinson, he’s a shorn sheep, they will get evicted like jake paul, diss track one of this best videos). cute make a wish pic. slime floor via phil lester photography. phil liveshow! (highlights: glasses, pupils dilated, floater in his eye, voice is back, shorn sheep, goth phil, drinking glasses are iridescent, he can hear his neighbor sneeze so they can probably hear dan screaming, nicole from make a wish beat phil at mariokart, parents are going to be in london next week to celebrate his mum’s birth, he doesn’t know london that much, phil has a clean sheet fetish, phil has an afternoon cookie and coffee fetish, he likes his red bomber jacket the best, also his nice suit for weddings, he hasn’t used his new red glasses frames at all, phil tried really hard to get the g note for dan’s video, he has a good visual memory). dan and phil appear in DARKIPLIER vs ANTISEPTICEYE (and accompanying bloopers). dan in tomska sketch First Contact (feat. Daniel Howell) (and accompanying bloopers). new gaming video:  SOLVE THIS CRIME - Dan and Phil play: Layton’s Mystery Journey! phil’s review of dunkirk is good. hint to a sleepless night. new amazingphil video: A HUNGRY Sleepless Night With Phil. dan has to go to a meeting and not be in pajamas?! heresy. dan is a woman from olden times.

[justanotherangryartist-blog]

Everything wrong with me.

hold on to your seats folks, this is gonna be a hell of a list.

disclaimer: I don't promote self hate, I'm merely trying to come to terms with my own issues. if you feel anything like I do, I suggest you seek out professional help, tell your loved ones and hold on. they say it gets better and for your sake I hope it does. be strong everyone.

......

so lets get right into it shall we

ill start by saying these are both mental and physical flaws I have that have dragged me down and I feel that if I say them out loud, or even type them, it'll hopefully hit home cuz lord knows I need a right kick up the ass right now

1. I'm impatient.

let me clarify this, I know it seems pretty easy to get but bare with me. I mean impatient in both the normal sense that I hate things taking time and in the way that the worse my depression gets the more I want instantaneous results, I make fictional plans in my head with very precise deadlines and time frames in which to get certain tasks done. if they don't happen I get very upset even though these are fictional situations I am imagining. I also cant make myself do things in actual life if it falls out of what I call the “ideal time” which basically means if its not initiated or done all together within a certain time frame? its not getting done at all, like ever.

2. I have an addictive personality.

yeah, we all know this can be bad, even those of us with it but we somehow manage to full people into thinking we got it under control, that we are just passionate. which is total bollox and we know it. for example, I get addicted to people, which is a huge problem as I tend to put them on a pedestal and when they don't live up to this or do something bad or cruel, instead of getting mad then moving on, my whole world with crumble, because at the time, they would've been my world. it doesn't just end there. I never really let go.

3. I’ve got a gambling problem.

this is both in the lottery, scratch card and such kinda way and the more dangerous way of ill gamble with things such as people and relationships. I just had to delete the lottery app from my phone just before I started writing this post because I know how bad its getting, I wasted money that I should've been saving since I'm out of work on lottery games cuz the mere tiny chance that I could win money and make my situation better was worth it in my eyes. I even stole money from my ten year old brothers piggy bank when I had no money in my account to bet and I had to go to the shop to buy a lottery ticket. the worst part is I had no remorse or regret at the time. I also gamble with relationships I've had, pushing boundaries just to feel the high, flipping the metaphorical coin to see if I'm gonna get lucky or not and continuing to flip it till its all gone to ruin.

4. I eat away my pain.

I'm severely obese for my age and the only reason I can still move is because of my fondness of walking. I gorge on food to stop the thoughts in my head. the easiest way to explain it is when you're watching TV and eating crisps and you have to pause the TV cuz you cant hear it over the sound of the crunch of the crisps. its deafening. the more I eat, the less I hear the thoughts coursing through my mind telling me how much of a failure I am. the more weight I gain the more withdrawn I get, the less I change out of pyjamas because nothing fits, the less I wash or put on makeup or do anything because giving a shit means excepting what's happened and what people see.

5. I overshare.

not just my problems, but everything. infact I tend to warp my own problems somehow when I talk about them so they don't seem so bad and then I drown out my own concerns and others peoples lack of understanding by just chatting to fill the silence. people hate it. or atleast that's the vibe they give off. even my parents, always asking if I'm done yet or why I didn't use up all my words during the day. I just cant stop. the more people don't get what I'm trying to say (which is a lot cuz I never really know how to talk about my actual emotions) the more I talk rubbish. then theres times when I'm talking about something that makes me happy to the point of excess and I just get so mad because nobody understands that the only reason I'm doing so is this is the only way I know how to put emphasis on “ok this makes me happy, be happy that I'm happy, help replicate this feeling”. I hate that I'm like this.

6. I don't know how to tell people how I'm feeling.

I hide behind my sense of humour a lot because I just don't know how to explain why I feel the way I feel, like the world makes no sense why my emotions change so rapidly, why I'm scared to sleep in my on room anymore why I avoid talking about the future because I live minute to minute not knowing what the next hour brings but if you say these things people just get upset and say things like “are you taking your medication?” “why don't you just talk to someone?” “why don't you try x, y and z” when all I want is someone to sit there, understand me and be like “I get it, and here's what WE ARE going to do and then you will be better. it doesn't work like that though, so I don't say anything, because what's the point of voicing a problem if you don't have a solution right? then you just sound depressed and no one wants to hear that.

7. I lose faith in my own ability. a lot.

I normally like to think I'm a good artist, that I'm great at makeup, that I'm good with children, that I'm a good listener, that I'm a good writer, that I'm wise that I'm smart that I'm clever. I don't think that much anymore. see a seed of doubt was planted in my mind and my issue was I was the one that let it grow. I lost my mojo with my art because nowadays I do it in hopes I can sell my pieces online to pay something off, this fact then triggers a chain reaction that leads to me doubting its selling potential, that my works not good enough at all, that being commercial would kill my talent, that I have no talent at all, that all my works shit and then all I can think about is painting USED to make me feel good. now its tainted by thoughts about my lack of talent, my lack of commercial value, and the fact that a moment spent painting is a moment that that house isn't getting cleaned and the bills aren't getting paid.

8. I'm scared of everything.

everything these days sends me into a panic. noises, debts, responsibility, the way people look or talk to me, anything and everything. its like everything's new and horrible again, I'm having to re learn how to go outside my own house and how to talk on the phone because everything's so terrifying. noises upset me because they signify life going on around me at an alarming pace and I just cant calm down with everything so loud in my ear its deafening, cant you hear it? even now as I write this I find myself rocking on my seat as I try to calm myself down. my minds so loud that even turn my head feels like whiplash, like everything's to fast and the only way I know how to cure it is to shut it off to shut it all off. it cant touch me if I don't move. life cant find me if I'm sleeping.

9. I sleep too much.

sleep is putting it lightly. what I really mean is I shut down a lot. it works for computers right? have you tried turning it on and off again? how many times before it reboots, I silently wonder if ill ever reboot or if they'll have to take me in and get my parts replaced. I silently hope they do. I mean how many times have you taken a broken laptop or ipod in to discover its go a broken screen or keypad or memory and you're gonna have to fork out a lot of money to fix that single component only for another component to break a month later, how many times have you just bought a new laptop, secretly happy that you don't have to deal with the damaged one anymore. I sleep to fix my single component knowing full well my batteries gonna go out soon anyway. wont someone just buy a new one of me?

10. I'm a bitter person.

I should mention the importance of the present tense. I'm not becoming, I'm already here, but the thing is ive not always been bitter either. I used to be happy, bit fat, bit emotional but happy. I prided myself on the fact I could make people laugh and I would get upset at myself if someone thought I was anything less than happy, because then they weren't happy. now I don't give two shits. ive become bitter, angry, selfish and cold. id say all I care about is myself but I don't even care about me. I'm angry that the world continues on without me fully present, I hate the fact that I hate myself and that I don't look good, that I'm not healthy. I fear no one will love me or truly connect with me and so ive become a recluse to the point that even when I do go out I seldom have anything to really talk about except for how unhappy I am. I see very little hope on the horizon, the few moments I have are in my own head usually, which just adds to my bitterness for not being able to properly enjoy reality. every interaction I have is tainted with bitterness over trying to enjoy myself in the first place when there is so much wrong in my life. I hate who I have become.

IN SHORT.... I HATE MYSELF.

its kind of poetic that as I finished that sentence the sun came out and the warmth hit me right through the window. I find myself almost smiling, breathing evenly as I type, almost happy to get it off my chest. to admit that I hate myself? its actually a relief, because now I can try to work towards doing something about it. I'm not naïve enough to think this'll solve everything, I know there will be days where I continue to hate myself and try to self sabotage my own efforts to get better. I'm not stupid enough to tell you guys that I have a plan of action because as a person who lives for instruction, I can tell you I have no clue what I'm gonna do to get better, and I wont leave you (if anyone actually does read this) thinking that it gets better instantly. see what I mean about the bitterness? but I will say this, I am secure and resolute in the fact that I don't like who I am, I am resolute in the fact that I don't have an immediate solution, but this doesn't mean I wont try to find one. could take days, could take months, could go one direction then stop and turn back, it doesn't matter because in accepting that there's something wrong I have only one direction to go in.

May anyone else struggling with these issues find the strength to accept your flaws and begin your road to recovery, or atleast take the exit for recovery and maybe stop at a pitstop for a while before heading on down that route, I aint gonna judge. Ill see you there.