#kinda lol. this post is a little less visceral than the others

[top-vi]

Why do you think Rhaenyra had children with Harwin? They barely know each other but seeing as Jace is already 10 in the time jump she didn’t even wait before starting their affair. It just doesn’t make sense, one minute she’s telling Daemon to make her his wife and the next she’s sleeping with another man and has a 10 year relationship with him and Daemon’s never mentioned? Where is this is coming from???

i mean i think the simple answer is that he was safe and available. rhaenyra mentions that she and laenor attempted to have children together but that it never worked. she needed heirs to support her claim to the throne and laenor wasn’t going to be able to provide.

now, with regards to daemon, i think the simple fact is that she was groomed by him. she wanted to be his wife bc she saw in him the freedom that wasn’t afforded to her (also another smaller reason she had a relationship w harwin imo) and the “protection” he could offer her. when he is no longer an option, she can’t just like…wallow and languish.

i am also unsure if she ever actually loved daemon. rhaenyra’s gender struggles are not talked about enough, but i think she sees daemon as who she could have been if she was a man. daemon takes advantage of this in order to try and further his own political gain (and bc of his pseudo-romance with viserys), so idk if he ever loved rhaenyra either. (when i italicize the names like that, i mean the person, not the political gain or personal projection or prize etc)

i think it’s also important to remember in all of this that rhaenyra is like 17. she’s still a child, and a willful princess at that. her going “oh daemon left? well now i gotta find somebody else bc im not about to rape my gay husband” is not out of character.

[mysticbeaver]

Do you think Eddy and Kevin kind of ''love to hate'' each other? Like, they hate each other, but they also can't live without each other? If one of them was gone, the other would really miss their enemity or having a arch-enemy overall.

Oh boy you set me off on a tangent lol... my essay below the cut

So about them not being able to live without each other...

I've read analyses saying Eddy himself kinda desires Kevin's acceptance cause it would make it easier to be accepted by everyone, but I think more than that his rivalry comes simply from being the lowest on the totem pole and feeling a visceral schadenfreude at ruining things for the popular kid who seems to have such an easy time in life. So he LOVES aggravating Kevin and trying to find ways to potentially make a fool of him in front of the others or undermine his cool facade This Won't Hurt An Ed). I feel like maybe Kevin would miss Eddy more than viceversa. Cause Eddy's outcast status means he's got nothing to lose, he's got no way but up, and his main detractor being absent would help him climb up the ladder - you could argue Kevin is mainly useful as a "hater", an obstacle that pushes Eddy's motivation to keep going against the tide. Meanwhile Kevin needs the Eds and Eddy in particular to prop himself up, his bully behavior comes out of insecurity but luckily for him, Eddy's activities are often dishonest, so he can sometimes paint himself as a defender of the cul-de-sac from scams. But more often than not, he sabotages and puts Eddy down because he's jealous of the attention (case in point Your Ed Here). What a little prick... I still love him tho lol. Eddy being gone would expose Kevin's negative traits more to the other kids (selfish, insensitive and what not) and make him risk losing his friendships, which are generally more superficial than the brotherly bond the Eds have (what if he's also subconsciously jealous about that? mmm...)

On a more positive note, IF we imagine they might have some fondness for each other deep down, especially if they get on friendlier terms post-BPS... in this case it's interest to imagine how they would react to one of them being gone. Ironically I think they would miss each other less. Because they are now more comfortable with each other and themselves, and they don't need a friendship because they already have other people who are close to them that they love. They leave each other space, and if they end up losing touch, at some point they might meet up again, perhaps accidentally, and it would be a very pleasant "hey let's go have a drink and laugh at our stories of childhood" type of thing. Although I have a bias cause I love the idea of them effectively staying in touch as good friends.

Hope this answers your question 🤣

[herefortayloronly]

evermore first impressions 12/19

i think this is the perfect use of this meme for the situation we found ourselves in once again.

i don’t really know how to preface this. it’s a freaking taylor swift album. i’m here for it!! and disclaimer: i’m not doing like an in depth lyrical analysis on this post because i’m dumb. i’m just talking about how i feel about each song. here’s the rankings because i wrote a lot and i feel bad for making you guys read my nonsense.

don’t be fool by how low i’m placing some of the songs. i love them all so much especially marjorie, tolerate it and willow. champagne problems and coney island are slowly climbing but definitely gonna take some time but all the songs i place above them are too good. also, i literally just listened to the bonus tracks as i’m writing this little part so i’m not ready to rank them yet but right where you left me is probably gonna end up pretty high based on first impressions!

and here’s a little surprise folklore ranking.

willow: i am absolutely obsessed with the piano or maybe it’s the glockenspiel in this song. i think i saw someone said, if folklore is for fairies then evermore is for witches and i think this song is a great example of that. 

champagne problems: you know, when i first listened to this one i thought of my best friend who’s in a really long committed relationship and she talked to me about how she doesn’t want to get marry yet. and for some people that would be a red flag. to be in such a long 5-6 years committed relationship and not want to get marry. but really it’s not about not wanting to get marry or not wanting to be with your person forever, it’s about the fear of the things that come after marriage. and she talked about being scared of divorce, her parents got a divorce because their relationship was really toxic and she saw how it really affected her mother. i think it’s very reasonable to have this fear about the next step of your life, i mean who doesn’t?

gold rush: i’m very happy we got a booty popping song in this album lol. i was literally thinking before the album came out, i hope we get a “horny on main” type of song that was missing on folklore. this song really delivers. And while I think this song is super fun, i can see the cynical and almost realistic side of this side. like no body wants to compete for someone else’s affection. that feeling of jealousy would be unhealthy.

‘tis the damn season: god anything with an electric guitar is just like GIMME MOREEEEEE!! Something about this song reminds me so much like a classic late 2000s soft rock song. Like the guitar sounds like something switchfoot or the fray (one of my favorite artists of all time btw) or john mayer would do but never did.

tolerate it: i’m almost sad that this is a first impression post because this song is slowly growing on me. i just think the piano is absolutely beautiful on this song. and the story of doing everything you and trying your best to be the perfect partner and you think it’s still not enough for that other person and at the same time maybe it’s all in your head.

no body no crime: i mean a true crime song hellooooooo? this is going to be an instant classic in taylor’s discography i believe. i’m a little disappointed that haim isn’t singing in the song more but i still think this is a perfect song. such a classic country pop song.

happiness: this one is probably gonna take me a minute. i feel like i’m still working through so many other songs that this song is getting put in the back burner. which sucks because i love the story of acceptance and as much as you want to hate this other person, you also want to remember and to be remembered for all the good times. and i love the bridge in this song, like no matter how many times you try to make the other person the bad guy, you know there’s no point in doing that because it’s gonna cause you even more pain.

dorothea: i don’t know why every time this song comes on i just want to put my arms up and sway. i love how it feels so breezy and easy and very relaxing. this song kinda reminds me of seven. it’s almost like hey remember our youth, remember the time when we just do whatever we want and friendship comes easy and we don’t have this cynical outlook in life. and the cynicism comes from dorothea being this big star and experiencing life outside of this town and this group of friends that she had.

coney island: something you guys don’t know about me but i love romance novels. and a lot of books i read are basically couples losing that love the relationship once had and are getting a divorce and eventually learning how to love each other again. and this song perfectly encapsulate those stories hahahaha. like neither of the narrators in this song hates each other. they just feel very indifferent about each other and wondering where did that love and magic go.

ivy: of course this song is about infidelity but i see it as a metaphor for trying to protect this precious relationship. i see a lot of similarity of this song with other songs like i know places and dancing with our hands tied. i also love seeing everyone’s interpretation of this song!

cowboy like me: best song on the album. hands down. first: the sound. i love how it sounds like it’s straight out of a dive bar. and taylor’s vocals (i feel like i didn’t talk enough about her vocals in this album), it’s so smooth and velvety. i also love the metaphor! guys i love a song that has a good metaphor. y’all know that’s why i love miss americana and the heartbreak prince so much. i love this imagery of two “cowboys” who spent their lives with the wrong people and playing the field and they ended up crossing path. once they crossed path, they fell in love. i love this song so much!

long story short: this song is so much fun. even though i really appreciate the deep and dark takes on how she’s feeling about 2016, i’m glad she’s able to kinda still have fun with it. 

marjorie: i’ve said this before, my grandmother (from my mother side what a coincidence) passed always nearly 3 years ago and she was the only grandparent i knew all my life. i have such a big attachment to her. she babysat me when i was baby up until i was 5 and going to school. my parents worked a lot so she was kinda like another parent to me. she sang to me. she told me stories. i would play dress up with her clothes. out of all of taylor’s songs, this one really hits close to home. despite this song being very sad, there’s also a sense of joy. i take this song as more like celebrating someone’s legacy and your memories of them.

closure: i’m actually glad i’m writing this part for this song after i saw the zane lowe apple music interview. i think the mentions of loyalty in the interview is also very prominent in this song and in no body no crime. they address both extremes of loyalty. no body no crime you’ll do anything for your friend. in closure, that loyalty is broken. i love the emphasis on it being “your” closure. it has selfish intent and only meant to absolve one party of any guilt.

evermore: when taylor said that joe played the piano beautifully, she was talking about this song! i was actually worry about this song being just another exile. and while exile was very good, i felt it was just another good song, like it didn’t really stood out to me in folklore. but they really switched it up for evermore. when the tempo changed, i literally thought something was wrong with the song or it suddenly changed to a different song when i heard it the first time. but oh my god. literally chills. such a great use of justin’s higher register and i actually favored his higher register than his lower. the chaotic nature of the bridge and then bringing it back down at the end really allowed the song to open up. so if you guys don’t know, my favorite collab taylor has ever done is the last time. evermore is coming for her throat!!

so to talk about evermore as a whole, i think this album has the most interesting sounds and lyrics and musical structures in taylor’s entire discography. the imagery is so visceral, it’s almost too much to handle like there’s a lot things going on. and the storytelling is just as sharp as ever.

now to compare this album to folklore. i don’t really want to Hahahaha but I feel like it’s almost inevitable when you label this album as folklore’s sister album and releasing it so close to folklore. they’re pretty on par with each other. i think folklore works as a one cohesive album, you can listen to it top to bottom. it’s also more familiar and easily digestible. evermore can be a little harder to get into despite the fact that it does have more upbeat songs. i think evermore feels like there are a lot ups and downs emotionally but all the songs convey such a strong emotion. it’s less digestible because there’s a lot of strange tempos and structures that aren’t in your normal pop songs. i personally favor folklore more because i love the simplicity but i think each song just flows into the next beautifully but evermore is still a gorgeous album.

[powermetalhag]

Digging Deeper

 @alienfuckeronmain​ tagged me in this massive tag meme (Thank you!! I love doing these things). If I tag you, feel free to ignore this if you don’t feel up to doing it/reading it. If you aren’t tagged and want to be, feel free to just say I tagged you ❤

I tag: @flowerkitten @meemimajima @darlingdear @wizards1977 @violet-tea @lickthatbattery @lusamine @misfit-on-a-journey @lampshroomomg @cyrsed @wooden-duck @wildbayou @curse-you @ghostly-rowlf​ @icedchailatte​ @oni-lover​

1. Do you prefer writing with a black pen or blue pen? black

2. Would you prefer to live in the country or city? City

3. If you could learn a new skill what would it be? I’d love to be able to sing and metal-scream really well. I’m trying to learn but I practice pretty inconsistently and it’s an uphill battle bc I don’t have much natural aptitude for it. Also it would be really cool to be a contortionist. 

4. Do you drink your tea/coffee with sugar? I don’t drink coffee. Sometimes I sweeten tea, sometimes I don’t.

5. What was your favourite book as a child? I didn’t like reading books much as a child. When it came to reading novels, my reading comprehension was pretty below average (I think I posted about this ages ago, but when I tried to read Harry potter when I was 7 I couldn’t follow it at all. I somehow thought that Harry and Hagrid were the same character and that Hagrid was just the name for Harry’s Wizard self. My concentration just wasn’t there). I read a lot of manga though. I think my favourites were fushigi yuugi, saint tail, and miracle girls.

6. Do you prefer baths or showers? showers.

7. If you could be a mythical creature, which one would it be? Hobbit

8. Paper or electronic books? I prefer paper books, but I mostly use electronic ones.

9. What is your favourite item of clothing? my cloud-print long sleeved mesh shirt

10. Do you like your name or would you like to change it? I used to want to change it, I don’t anymore. 

11. Who is a mentor to you? I don’t think I have one

12. Would you like to be famous and if so, what for? I like the idea of creative projects of mine becoming a little bit known, but I’d never want to be famous.

13. Are you a restless sleeper? Not really

14. Do you consider yourself a romantic person? I’m probably less romantic than the average person, but in the right situation I can be.

15. Which element best represents you? I associate myself with fire (bc I'm a leo) but in some ways water or air might better represent me. Idk.

16. Who do you want to be closer to? Honestly? Pretty much all of my friends. My life is complicated and the severity of my ocd makes me keep everyone at a distance more than I’d like to.

17. Do you miss someone at the moment? Everyone who I haven’t seen since quarantine started.

18. Tell us about an early childhood memory. As young kids my sister and I hated Tracey Sketchit from pokemon so passionately that we would draw his face on the bottom of our feet before going to jump on the trampoline so that we could feel like we were jumping on him

19. What is the strangest thing you have eaten? When we were little my sister and I would sometimes eat raw dried spaghetti dipped in vegemite when there was no other easy snacks in the house. We called them cardboard sticks. (The food situation in my house wasn’t dire or anything, we were just too lazy to make a sandwich or something lol)

20. What are you most thankful for? I am thankful for the people I have in my life and for the amount of stability i’ve been able to have in my life in recent times.

21. Do you like spicy food? I do, but if I eat it often enough to increase my tolerance to it I get bad reflux. So I remain a spice wimp who can only have mild.

22. Have you ever met someone famous? Zakk Wylde, Chris Lilley, and some guy who was on Blue Heelers. Also I spoke to Tracy Grimshaw on the phone once. Meeting Zakk Wylde was funny because I was REALLY weird and embarrassing.

(Long story ahead, feel free to skip) Basically, my friend and I were 16 and wandering through the city high on acid. We saw Zakk standing near Hungry Jacks and became completely captivated by him. We had no idea he was some big famous rockstar, we thought he was just some random guy. I cannot convey to you how intense his presence felt at that time. It was like he was everything that is and ever will be metal but congealed into a human being and magnified by 2000x. (in case you don’t know him, he looks like this)

We were so high that we were very in our own world and felt like we were the only ones who really existed and that everything else was just kinda there for us to observe. So we started following him and discussing him as if he couldn’t hear every word we were saying. 

I remember us being like “He’s the most metal thing i’ve seen in my life” “He’s like Neptune, king of the sea, but a brutal version” “He’s the raw original concept that all other metalheads were disseminated from. He’s the true, the original.” It made sense at the time that he could be the origin point of metal and the first ever metalhead because time and space felt like it existed in a looser way than usual. We were really fixated on the idea that metal was invented through his very existence as a direct expression of self, then people copied him, then people copied those people and so on. The further they got from the source (Zakk) the more diluted the essence became. That’s why being around normal metalheads wasn’t as viscerally overwhelming as being in the presence of the raw undiluted concept. We concluded that no metalheads were actually expressing themselves through their subcultural identity. Unknowingly, they’re just expressing him. And we were saying all of this while walking maybe a metre and a half behind him while he ignored us.

Eventually some of the people he was with noticed we were following him and started talking to us (they may have been members of Black label society or they may have just been friends of his, idk). They were friendly and said that they used to do acid when they were younger too and invited us to get drunk with them. We said yes and walked with them for a little. I don’t think Zakk said a word to us the entire time. He probably found us annoying. But we kept staring at Zakk and getting overwhelmed by how intense it was just to be in his presence. Then me and my friend abruptly turned and left without saying anything because being around Zakk was getting to be too much. It was like a sensory overload. As we walked away we barely heard them yelling back to us “something something something ZAKK WYLDE!”. I was familiar with the name but I’d never known how he looked. I googled him a few days later and learned that it was indeed Zakk Wylde who we met and that he’d been in Brisbane with black label society.

And that’s the story of how I passed up the once in a lifetime opportunity to get drunk with Zakk Wylde because his vibes were off the charts.

23. Do you do you keep a diary or journal? No. Kinda wish I could, but the habit doesn’t stick.

24. Do you prefer to use a pen or a pencil?  Pencil

25. What is your star sign? Leo sun (Virgo cusp), Scorpio moon, Sagittarius rising.

26. Do you like your cereal soggy or crunchy? Crunchy

27. What would you want your legacy to be? I’d like to have a positive effect on the people in my life and leave art behind that people might enjoy or relate to (I use the word art loosely, I mean any kind of creative project). I think I've become more aware recently of how important that is to me, which is why I've been so uncharacteristically dedicated to finishing my comic.

28. Do you like reading, what was the last book you read? I like reading books but I don’t always have the attention span for it. I tend to read more non-fiction than fiction. The last book I read was Nothing Feels Good: Punk Rock, Teenagers, and Emo. A really great book if you want to learn about emo history. The only downside is that it was published in 2003, before emo really took off in the mainstream. Had some insightful things to say regardless.

29. How do you show someone you love them? Idk I can’t think of a concise answer for this. I think it varies depending on who it is and what our dynamic is. When I took that love language test it said my love language was quality time.

30. Do you like ice in your drinks? I don’t like it in water. It’s fine in most other drinks.

31. What are you afraid of? I don’t think I can answer this without oversharing or getting too bleak

32. What is your favourite scent? I like tropical scents like mango and coconut

33. Do you address older people by their name or surname? By their name

34. If money was not a factor, how would you live your life? I’d buy a house with my sister and I wouldn’t have a job but I'd volunteer and do freelance creative work. I’d donate a lot more and help people out more. I’d learn lots of new skills and make lots of art. I would have an amazing wardrobe too.

A kinda sillier dream is that I'd start a cheerleading team where our routines are exclusively to metal songs. As well as entering competitions, we would also be an opening act for bands (in this dream i’m much better at cheerleading than I currently am). It would be cool ok

35. Do you prefer swimming in pools or the ocean.? Ocean. I miss going to the beach so much

36. What would you do if you found £50 on the ground? See if someone dropped it. Then idk, would depend on my financial situation at the time.

37. Have you ever seen a shooting star? Yes

38. What is the one thing you would want to teach your children? I’m not going to have children. I’d like to be a good influence in my friend’s children’s lives though.

39. If you had to have a tattoo, what would it be and where would you get it? Probably some old-school gradient style neopets art (maybe an aisha) or 90s tamagotchi art or a cool wizard. I’d get it on my thigh. I’m very unlikely to ever get a tattoo though

40. What can you hear now? The hum of my computer. It’s old and loud and on its way out

41. Where do you feel the safest? In my bed at home with my cat Luna or hanging out w my sister

42. What is the one thing you want to overcome/conquer? Once coronavirus is less of an issue (which may be in the near future where I live), I’d like to try and push myself to start dating again. I haven’t done that in a long while. The limitations that ocd causes me makes it hard for me to imagine a relationship-- even a casual one--being workable. But I ought to at least try before I decide that. Sometimes things turn out to be easier than I think they’ll be 🤷‍♀️.

43. If you could travel back to any era, what would it be? This is so hard!!

If this is purely for enjoyment and not to change the past, i’d probably just want to see all my favourite bands live while they were in their prime and like, cry the whole way through because I am so moved.

44. What is your most used emoji? :) or :/ 

45. Describe yourself using one word. I’m really bad at questions like this

46. What do you regret the most? Eh, that’s a bit personal. I feel like i’ve overshared enough in this thing.

47. Last movie you saw? Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days

48. Last tv show you watched? Degrassi the next generation

49. Invent a word and it’s meaning. Idk

If you’ve read this far ty!! Here’s a little sheep for your trouble

[coffeeandcalligraphy]

What I’ve Been Reading #2

Hey People of Earth!

I recently started a new series on this blog (titled above), where I reflect on the last few books I’ve read. I’m doing this mostly to keep myself accountable because I’m notoriously bad at committing myself to reading. So far, reading has been far greater than it’s been in the past--I’m definitely getting into the rhythm of things. I read some amaaaazing books this time around (since approx. November), and these are them:

1. The Darkest Legacy by Alexandra Bracken

This is book four in The Darkest Minds series, and was just recently released (last summer). Whilst I’ve drifted from YA in the last few years, this series was such a huge favourite of mine when I was younger, and I thought I’d give this book a go for nostalgia’s sake. Also, I truly admire Alex as an author, and wanted to support her! Here’s the summary:

Five years after the destruction of the so-called rehabilitation camps that imprisoned her and countless other Psi kids, seventeen-year-old Suzume "Zu" Kimura has assumed the role of spokesperson for the interim government, fighting for the rights of Psi kids against a growing tide of misinformation and prejudice. But when she is accused of committing a horrifying act, she is forced to go on the run once more in order to stay alive. Determined to clear her name, Zu finds herself in an uncomfortable alliance with Roman and Priyanka, two mysterious Psi who could either help her prove her innocence or betray her before she gets the chance. But as they travel in search of safety and answers, and Zu grows closer to the people she knows she shouldn't trust, they uncover even darker things roiling beneath the veneer of the country's recovery. With her future-and the future of all Psi-on the line, Zu must use her powerful voice to fight back against forces that seek to drive the Psi into the shadows and save the friends who were once her protectors.

What drew me to it: Like I mentioned, its mother series was a mega favourite of mine in grade 8, and whilst I’ve grown out of YA, I was curious to see where the story went, five years in the future. I read about 60% of it on page, and listened to the rest on and of over the course of a few months. I started it in August, and finished it on New Year’s Eve. Not the fault of the book, that’s totally me being Very Bad at commitment. I’ve really enjoyed Alex’s novels in audiobook format, and this one was no exception (I think, if I were to read it again, I’d listen to the audiobook: it’s like listening to a television show!)

My rating: 3/5

Why: This is really due to the fact that I no longer am very interested in YA. In all truths, I got into YA early, and got out of it even earlier because apparently I am a sixty year old woman?? I started my journey with YA in grade seven, and it ended around the end of grade eight. After that, I had trouble finding YA books I could enjoy/relate to, not that the books were any less, or bad because of this, but because I was just an injustice to them (I’ve always been a strange reader). This is why I don’t really read YA anymore because I feel like I rate them unfairly because I’m not super big on the category anymore. It just (rightfully) didn’t give me what I’m most currently interested in in books (horrible people; horrible relationships; morally grey protagonists), because of course the category is different to what I read now! With that said, I think, if I’d read this book in my Peak YA Moment (grade 7-8), I’d definitely have given it a 5 star rating. It was super entertaining and funny and nostalgic, and made me miss a series so pivotal in my writing journey. If you love YA, and this series, I think this book is definitely worth the read! That was a thiccccc tangent. 

2. Past Lives, Future Bodies by Kristin Chang

This is a really quick poetry collection (that I spoiler: looooved). This is the summary:

PAST LIVES, FUTURE BODIES is a knife-sharp and nimble examination of migration, motherhood, and the malignant legacies of racism. In this collection, family forms both a unit of survival and a framework for history, agency, and recovery. Chang undertakes a visceral exploration of the historical and unfolding paths of lineage and what it means to haunt body and country. These poems traverse not only the circularity of trauma but the promise of regeneration—what grows from violence and hatches from healing—as Chang embodies each of her ghosts and invites the specter to speak. 

What drew me to it: @shaelinwrites rec’d it to me on my last update, and I fell in love with the premise. I’m *cheap* so was very excited to be gifted it by my Grandma for Christmas. (I actually read it on Christmas!)

My rating: 5/5

Why: Kristin Chang is literally so skilled with her use of the line break? I was shook? This is my second collection of poetry that I’ve read, following (no shade) Rupi Kaur’s The Sun and Her Flowers, which, I felt kinda made the line break feel gimmicky? So this collection definitely reinvented it for me. Her poems are so punchy, and thoughtful, and you can truly feel the experience built into the backbone of every one of them. When I panic wrote some poetry for my writing class, I used it as comfort reference and was amazed at how deliberate she is with her words. I also found so much of its commentary on race so relatable. It’s definitely a collection I’ll keep re-reading. I’d recommend this if, like me, you’re just starting out in poetry--a perfect way to acclimate yourself to a new form!

3. God of Shadows by Lorna Crozier

*Rachel vigorously trying to diversify her reading.* The summary:

The poet Lorna Crozier has always been brilliant at fusing the ordinary with the other-worldly in strange and surprising ways. Now the Governor General's Literary Award-winning author of Inventing the Hawk returns with God of Shadows, a wryly wise book that offers a polytheistic gallery of the gods we never knew existed and didn't know we needed. To read these poems is to be ready to offer your own prayers to the god of shadows, the god of quirks, and the god of vacant houses. Sing new votive hymns to the gods of horses, birds, cats, rats, and insects. And give thanks at the altars of the gods of doubt, guilt, and forgetting. What life-affirming questions have these deities come to ask? Perhaps it is simply this: How can poems be at once so profound, original and lively, and also so much fun?

What drew me to it: At this point I’m just stalking @shaelinwrites​’ Goodreads because her reading taste is on pointttt. I’ve also been dying to read more poetry, and branch out into different forms of writing, so I can be a little *prepared* for school, so I thought I’d take a peek at this collection. 

My rating: 5/5

Why: This collection is so beautiful! I read it super quickly, and fell in love with the concept immediately. I think Crozier explored such unique ideas with super unique language, and I live for it. This collection gave me perspective on ‘gods’ I’d never even thought about. I’d definitely recommend it if you’re looking into reading some prose poetry!

4. The Immortalists by Chloe Benjamin

I finished this book today, and now have trust issues and feel like I’m in a constant state of wanting to cry. Here’s the summary:

If you knew the date of your death, how would you live your life?

It's 1969 in New York City's Lower East Side, and word has spread of the arrival of a mystical woman, a traveling psychic who claims to be able to tell anyone the day they will die. The Gold children—four adolescents on the cusp of self-awareness—sneak out to hear their fortunes.

The prophecies inform their next five decades. Golden-boy Simon escapes to the West Coast, searching for love in '80s San Francisco; dreamy Klara becomes a Las Vegas magician, obsessed with blurring reality and fantasy; eldest son Daniel seeks security as an army doctor post-9/11; and bookish Varya throws herself into longevity research, where she tests the boundary between science and immortality.

A sweeping novel of remarkable ambition and depth, The Immortalists probes the line between destiny and choice, reality and illusion, this world and the next. It is a deeply moving testament to the power of story, the nature of belief, and the unrelenting pull of familial bonds.

What drew me to it: I actually don’t know?? I put it on hold at my library in October, and was loaned it in January (looooong waitlist). So I can’t remember why I wanted to read it, probably because 1969 was in the premise lmao. I actually completely forgot about placing a hold on it because it’d been two months, so by the time I got the email notification, I’d forgotten what it was about. Oftentimes, I’m Bad, and leave my loans for weeks, forgetting about them, but I was intrigued by seeing I’d received this loan because I couldn’t remember placing it/why I placed it. I quickly re-read the summary, and immediately started reading because it reminded me a lot of the Haunting of Hill House sibling dynamic, and I was on board!

My rating: 5/5 stars soaked in all my tears

Why: This book is SO good, I literally can’t think about it too much because I will cry, lol. I’m not one to get emotional over books, but this book touched me in a place I didn’t know existed?? Like I didn’t know I had emotions before reading this book?? Apparently I do?? It also left me feeling stunned with a whole bucket of life lessons, and similarly to getting emotional, I’m not a reader to really take away a whole new worldview after reading something, but this book was like NOPE, here’s some THOUGHTS. I think I might’ve loved it so much because the four siblings it follows remind me a lot of my siblings (tag yourself I’m Klara, @sarahkelsiwrites is Varya). I too am a sibling of four with a similar composition to the novel’s (two boys, two girls), so the actual heartbreak of realizing that one day, there ain’t always gonna be four of us struck me so hard I was not prepared?? The characters are BEAUTIFUL, and my heart aches so much after finishing this, I almost don’t know what to do with myself... If you liked the sibling dynamic in the Haunting of Hill House (me!!), you’ll probably dig this book. Benjamin’s writing is also gorgeous; straightforward, but so detailed and lush at the same time. I don’t often see books in third present, so this was a delight for me to read. Also: I’m no expert on any of the topics in this book, but to me, a Fool, this book felt so well researched? This isn’t something I ever notice in books, but it surprisingly really added to the reading experience. 

TL;DR: I’m literally an emotional wreck because of this book and have a whole new perspective on life, if you too want to be an emotional wreck, defs join in on the fUN.

So that’s it for this reading update! All of these books in this update were wonderful! Making me antsy to read more for sure! I’m currently attempting to read more short story collections, so if anyone has recs, hit me up! ‘Scuse me while I go sob!

--Rachel

[thefudge]

TLJ thoughts, post-viewing

sooo, i have a lot of feelings about a lot of things. also the subtitles didn’t prepare me. for a lot.

this movie is made up of many quiet, non-verbal moments and rian johnson lets those moments sink in and dwell with you and that’s great

rey exploring the workings of the force, for example. there’s a really cool sequence where she’s trying to find out who her parents are and she lowers herself in the embodiment of the dark side and it’s very trippy and cool. it’s not rushed and it’s v atmospheric. she gets the incentive to do that thanks to kylo. his revelations about luke and his general aura of “troubled darkness” inspire her to dig deeper.

i think what i liked most about reylo was its sense of gratuitous intimacy. what i mean by this is that they seemed to connect without effort, without having to manipulate the plot to make it fit. they seemed be in their own little movie, dealing with things beyond the usual surface level of star wars ‘good vs. evil’. kylo’s philosophy about letting the past go is definitely flawed, but the way the movie frames reylo, they do seem to “let go�� of their surroundings and circumstances when they’re together. it’s sort of timeless. 

i will say, i don’t think the romance was that "romantic”, if that makes sense? and i think it’s a good thing. their bond is very real, but it goes beyond “romantic drama” and your usual hero/villain trope. it has shades of that, ofc, and there is palpable sexual and romantic tension, imo. but i sensed something more mature and interesting between them. it could go either way. do i want reylo to have a future in ep 9 and after? yep. is it possible they won’t? also yep. mainly because kylo let rey down. and here’s the kicker: it’s not rey that really rejects him. it’s him that rejects rey. because she tries quite a few times to bring him over to her side, and i think her anger and sadness stem from the fact that, ultimately, kylo didn’t choose her, and ergo the light. he’s still v much conflicted and i think she can sense that. but rey is hungry. she wants all or nothing. she can’t have half of him. so she doesn’t reject him as much as tell him straight up that she won’t stand for being second. for instance, she expects him to fold to her side immediately after taking down snoke. when he doesn’t, she’s quite literally in tears. this hurts her on a deeper level than “oh no, the dark side won and the resistance lost an important ally.” no, this feels like her parents all over. leaving her, deserting her. that’s how i read it, tbh. 

and kylo does some reprehensible shit in the latter quarter of the movie, lol, like i won’t woobify him, since i like my antiheroes to be antiheroes.  but he's not quite villain level?  if u look at snoke, if u take that cool, collected snarky asshole - that’s a villain. he knows who he is, and what he wants. kylo is hopelessly confused and always looking for validation. he tells rey that she’s the one always looking for father figures - but oh, benny ben. it’s actually you. he wants someone to really see him, and that’s why he’s drawn to rey. but just to clarify: he doesn’t have it in him to kill his mother. he has an open, unambiguous chance and he stops. he is willing to destroy her when she stands behind walls and is shielded by the resistance. yet when she’s in the open, no. that was my read on it. 

his fight with luke is...very much one-sided. luke appears as a force-hologram to fight him and kylo just wants to obliterate him for very, very personal reasons. kylo is not the cool, collected new emperor who is going to “kill the past”. he lives so much in the past that he doesn’t even realize luke isn’t even there. 

and btw, kylo doesn’t kill luke, though he wishes he had. early on we get this foreshadowing. when the first force-bond happens between him and rey, he goes “no, you’re not doing this. the effort would kill you.” meaning that, to transport yourself through space via force (without a bond) takes a looooot of energy. luke goes on a suicide mission, basically. he knows using the force like this will kill him. he’s almost having fun toying with kylo at the end. 

when kylo realizes he’s a force-hologram, luke smiles and says “see you around, kid.” not exactly anakin vs obi-wan, if u know what i mean.

and then back on the island, we see luke peacefully give himself over to the force and vanish. it’s v tranquil and quite satisfying and the original star wars theme is used so well, imo. do i think we could’ve had more of luke? sure. but he went out on his own terms. that’s the whole point - kylo didn’t kill him. he killed himself.

again, i want to emphasize that kylo is still very much an antihero, dipping his toe into villainy (and failing - which makes him more angry, which only makes it harder to be the villain he wants to be haha). he’s not a Good Guy. many posts will crop up in the tag about what a poor, lost soul he is. yes and no. rey actually understands him when she closes the falcon door on him. she knows him and appreciates him. he will never really be ben solo and that’s a good thing. trying to be ben solo so hard is what got him in this mess. he isn’t supposed to be a Good Guy. so no, i don’t want him to “turn” (see my thoughts on “turning” below). i want him to truly move beyond the past and reform himself on his own terms, just like luke. because hey fam, luke isn’t a Good Guy in this movie either AND THAT’S GREAT. anyway, i certainly won’t be romanticizing him (kylo). he’s a compelling antihero who definitely has baggage and trauma (luke did try to kill him as a boy, though he has a wildly dramatized version of the event lol) but he is also someone who has to help himself. ultimately, rey’s goal isn’t to “save” him but to push him to save himself. honestly, if kylo had followed her and “turned” and reluctantly joined the resistance, it would’ve been a total let down and a betrayal of his character. him “turning” wouldn’t help him. he’d still have that darkness and that anger inside of him, multiplied. boy needs therapy - aka working through his issues, not ignoring them and joining the Good Side. 

Other things I liked: 

- admiral holdo’s arc - beautiful, well-done and surprising. laura dern kills it. 

- benicio del toro!!!!! no small parts with this man. he is delightful. imagine rick from “rick and morty” but way hotter lol. he was probably my favorite addition, after rose. he’s the middle-ground guy, he’s more han solo than fucking han solo. he doesn’t believe in good guys vs bad guys and he shows both finn and the audience that the two sides err because they believe their path is the only path. he perfectly encapsulates the very real contradictions in modern-day ethics and how our “pure and wholesome” activism often shields us from some terrible truths. he does have a semblance of a heart underneath his cynicism but i love that in the end he doesn’t suddenly discover the power of friendship with finn and rose. he’s a jaded asshole with shades of good, who’s probably seen some rough shit. BUT, he has this super cute moment with rose before things go to shit regarding her necklace and it’s !!!!!! it shows how much he understands human nature. i kinda ship them. aaaanyway. i definitely think he will return, his arc is not done. 

- ROSE TICO SMILING AND BEING HAPPY. ROSE TICO RIDING THAT KANGAROO CREATURE AND ENJOYING LIFE. i treasured those scenes a lot. she’s a great combo of feisty and childlike, tough and innocent. gosh, she reminds me of bonnie bennett so much ;___;

- general hux. yall, it’s true. it’s all true. hux may have won me over. hux in TFA was just a lite over-the-top villain imo. but here??? he’s such a fun, dynamic character, rian gave him a lot of fun, humorous moments. and honest to god, he’s also given some humanity. when kylo takes over, he is genuinely affected and disturbed by his level of aggression. and he’s....idk, much less evil in this one. probably because of the humor. he just seems like a man dead-set on fulfilling his mission, brainwashed to the core. and underneath the brainwashing, he seems to be your average overwhelmed white dude. i don’t think he’ll be redeemed or anything but...it’s weird how at the end of TLJ he is probably the MOST reasonable dude from the first order???

- there’s this great little message about failure. i think here TLJ was inspired by Rogue One. because a lot of the characters in this movie learn to let go and accept defeat. you can’t always save everyone, you can’t always fight back. sometimes, the brave thing is to retreat and treasure the ppl you love. so i def liked that.

- GODDAMN GHOST YODA. i honestly thought i’d hate it because...gimmick, amirite? but that scene with luke was SO emotional and also funny and visceral and just - i was a bit teary-eyed, ME, THE GRINCH. i was suddenly nine again, watching star wars for the first time. ANYWAY. 

- luke skywalker deserves a separate entry. mark hamill did so much with this character in the last few scenes. also some of the stuff he says about the force in this movie is legit beautiful and i love how he criticizes the vanity of the jedi - because this was what was missing from the prequels. anakin fell because the council was tone-deaf. the jedi are often responsible for their own doom and so they must always be vigilant - which is a goddamn thankless job. i love that luke acknowledges this. 

-luke/leia moment. GAAAAH. HE KISSES HER FOREHEAD GOODBYE AND SHE KNOWS HE’S NOT COMING BACK FROM THIS. I DIED.

- in that order of business, leia finally FIIIINALLY gets to show off a bit and use the force in a pro-active manner. it’s also clear to me that episode 9 would’ve been the story of her and “ben” and i think she would have been the catalyst for his eventual development. but sadly, we’ll never see that ;____; 

-there is some gorgeous cinematography and visual direction in this movie. particularly in the third act, on that salt planet? the red trails? shivers. 

-i didn’t hate any of the new creatures like i thought i would??? probably because they were used sparingly and with a sense of humor.

Stuff i kind of didn’t like:

- phasma. phasma, phasma, phasma. WHAT was that??? like tell me that wasn’t anticlimactic as hell. she was, sadly, a pointless character. unless she somehow survived the fire and destruction, which i doubt, i really don’t see the point of casting wonderful gwendolyn christie just to stand there in armor. 

- MAZ KANATA. is barely in this. i call bullshit. 

-sigh, okay so i loved rose to death, but her arc revolved way too much around finn. on the one hand i get it, on the other hand.... i was hyped because ppl were saying she gets this big moment to shine. and granted, imo, she shines every moment she’s on screen. but i think her climactic scene was... *fart noises*. it’s completely centered around finn. she saves him basically, and it’s definitely heartfelt and lovely but also...it’s finn’s moment 100%. because it’s him who has to learn about his own worth. i do think they make a good team and i ship them a little bit, but the one-sided kiss was not satisfying and i’m tired of having to watch my darling woc give their love and devotion freely, only to be  tertiary characters in their own story. like, imo, it should’ve been rose who flew straight into that cannon and tried to take it down for her sister. she should’ve been the one determined to take it down. and it should’ve been finn to save her and tell her they must find meaning in other things. finn definitely cares for her and in the last scene we have of him, he’s tending over rose and waiting for her to wake up BUT. will rose ever be number one for anyone, like the white girls, i wonder? eh, i’m probably just grumpy old aunt. she does get to have an internal world, she’s a believable human being, she matters. the thing is, white girls in these movies can bend their little finger and they’re considered worthy and complex. rose has to jump through hoops to be seen the same way. anyway.

- i liked poe dameron’s arc, which is “hey, maybe i should stop posturing and listen to women more lol” which is “learn when to retreat and stand down” but...honestly, you hire gorgeous oscar isaac who can give you real emotional weight and you just...kinda under-utilize him. yes, he did a lot of stuff, but he...didn’t take time to internalize it. this dude feels like he’s got a lot of demons and conflicting desires and a rich inner life, yet we only skim the surface of that. like, he’s aways in go-mode, we rarely get a quiet moment with him. like pls fix this, episode 9. 

-luke’s reaction to han’s death is pfffffffffffff. maybe we’ll get more in a deleted scene? 

- also....can we stop pussyfooting and legit talk about han as a dad? because they keep hinting he wasn’t a good one, nor a very good husband to leia. but...it’s very unsatisfying to keep hearing about it without good storytelling to back it up. 

- the world-building & the origins of the first order. i had problems with this in TFA and, big surprise, i still have problems with it here. basically, why has the first order taken over the new republic? how did they gain support? were there remnants of the old empire that survived and thrived as the first order? what about the knights of ren? luke mentions kylo took some students with him when he destroyed the jedi temple, so....what about those guys? like, this very fraught and war-torn landscape doesn’t have a solid history. how did A become B? why is every corner of the galaxy oppressed? why are some planets thriving more? are they all arm-dealers??? i find that hard to believe. yeah, we have the expanded universe for that, we have books and comics etc. but i need these movies to give us a sense of their own universe. i’m...still not convinced. 

-lolol, snoke dies like a bitch. and it’s so anticlimactic and duuuumb. dude, a five-year old coulda seen that coming but your ancient super powerful ass couldn’t? laaaame. he’s like “oh, yes, i sense no more conflict in you, kylo ren. just a deep certainty”. YES FOOL, because he’s decided to remove u, because he’s confident he wants rey, and not you, by his side. it was soooo lame. but i guess we had to remove him to make the audience think kylo was turning good for a second there.

-which reminds me... and you probably saw this coming, i hate the idea of “turning”. rey keeps talking about ben turning to the light. and this verb annoys me to no end. it’s made clear that they both already have a lot of light and darkness in each other. it’s about finding balance. where’s my grey jedi??? episode 9 pls????

Extra Reylo stuff i didn’t see mentioned which i adored: 

- during their first force-bond moment when they sense each other, kylo ren runs out of the medical unit and into the corridor like a goddamn luckless teenager, expecting to see rey pop up in a prom dress.  it’s precious. i love awkward!kylo. also rey tries to shoot him bc she thinks he’s actually there and kylo bends down, thinking he was shot. it’s a rly cool moment. and it doesn’t feel malicious like, he doesn’t expect anything less from her. 

- there’s so much charged electricity between them and it’s not all sexual. it’s kinda mystical and i dig it. i’m weirdly reminded of xavier and magneto??? as in two enemies who have such a rich history and whose bond transcends human morality. 

-OKAY. i saw no one talking about this but THAT GODDAMN SNOW WHITE SCENE. so rey decides she’s going to turn kylo to the light because that’s their one hope of defeating the first order etc. luke tries to stop her, but she’s like i’m going after my man. okay. she gets on the falcon, then she puts herself in this casket-like pod and AND. we get this lovely, breath-taking sequence of her arriving at the first order base, slipping gently into the hangar in her casket. and she’s def nervous. AND THEN. she looks up through the glass and there’s steam at first and through the steam we see kylo’s face, looking down at her wistfully. IT’S SO WEIRDLY FAIRY-TALE WTF. and then ofc the guards come in to shackle her. BUT JESUS. the prince looking into the casket to find snow-white WHAT ARE THESE AESTHETICS. it felt like a nod to the infamous scene in TFA where he carries her bridal style. it’s very fairy-tale-esque. 

- i love that in the scene with the multiple reys, when she reaches through the mirror to see her parents, the shadowy figure who appears and touches her hand seems at first to be kylo and then she realizes it’s herself. i also love that she talks to kylo about that experience. GAH. 

- i just rly loved that there was so much humanity in their interactions.

Reylo stuff which sort of bothered me/left me wanting more: 

- like excuse u rian,  during the praetorian guards fight, i needed more moments where kylo looks at rey and is worried for her sake. i needed that fight to be a bit more visceral and about the two of them and their survival. they do fight together and it’s great but then...they’re sort of separated and carry their own small battles (i did love how rey saved him with that lightsaber throw)

- the whole “you come from nothing, you are nothing.” yea yeah, he’s a dummy who doesnt know how to express his feelings, he’s mr. darcy x 1000 of faux pas. but i still think adam driver’s acting went a little much there. the way he delivered that line was a bit off for me. ofc, he follows it with “but not to me”, because he’s basically proposing to her, but i needed a bit more, an extra line from him confirming her importance. or maybe no extra line, but a bit more feeling. did i mention i love wrecked!kylo? the “please” killed me haha. 

Final thoughts:

- enjoyed it more than i expected to, and it does operate with way more nuance than TFA but it stiiiill fell short with some characters. it didn’t have the weight of rogue one for me, but it’s more lighthearted and entertaining, which i appreciate, cuz it reminded me of my childhood. and ultimately, whether we like it or not, disney does operate on nostalgia. all in all, it’s a worthy star wars movie, 8/10. rian deserves an A-. (he also wrote this thing and whoaaa...i wonder how much more ambiguous and dark this movie woulda been if he’d been given full non-disney freedom)

[unfolded73]

So I wasnt going to say anything because I’m shy but after that jerk anon said their opinion I’m going to say mine (they didnt needed to say they were out to you they could just you know LEFT): I love what you did! Yes, it did seemed like canon Killian Jones and I love problematic faves. I’m sure you are going to redeemed his mistakes but it’s delicious to read while it lasts. I’m anxious to discover Emma reaction (I did read yet but spoiler alert she wont like a bit) 1/2

and I’m enjoying the hooked queen villains doing bad shit together brotp it’s kinda what I wanted in canon for them lol if I could suggest a cool meta “behind the history” of yours I would like to know how you got the idea of making them work together Sorry about the other nonny again! Hope you know that not everyone is displease with how things are going in the fic! xoxo 2/2

First of all, you are very sweet and thank you. I’ve gotten lots of positive feedback today, and so I certainly don’t think everyone is displeased, but thanks for saying so. 

I think rather than calling the first anon a jerk, I’ll try to maintain a shred of faith in humanity and assume they had a visceral, emotional reaction to where they thought this story was going and felt compelled to say something about how the story had angered them. (And as soon as people click that little button for anon posting, they become 300% less polite, as always.) Or, as one friend just speculated, they were trying to manipulate me into spoiling the outcome. Although hopefully, it isn’t a spoiler that in a CS story, CS will somehow prevail.

I had the same thought as you, they could have just left and not taken a shit in my inbox. But the fact is, some readers understand the story at the level I intend it right away, and some need a little more handholding. Maybe my reply will make them stick with the story. Maybe it won’t.  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

I was prepared for the idea that elements of this story might be controversial, so in some ways I’m reaping what I’ve sown. I could just write fluffy porn all the time and people would eat that up, but I wanted to take some risks with this story. And frankly, Dark Hook as a completely woobified character wouldn’t be as interesting. (Although don’t get me wrong, there is some woobification coming. It’s a trope because it works.)

[chiisana-sukima]

I made a new post to continue this one, about Gadreel, because the old one is getting so unwieldy, and when I tried to edit it down to size, x-kit failed me somehow and wouldn’t let me post.

And I’m also only dealing with one tiny portion of all the awesome stuff on the chain, so I apologize, and also might have to go back and follow up on other things in a separate post. But I wanted to say right off the bat that this is the best chain of meta I’ve seen on Gadreel ever. Really A+ effort from everybody involved. @zpublicizes​, I cut your whole meta chain out, but I agree with so much of what you wrote in it, and I feel all warm and fuzzy about the super-high-quality discussion. (´∀｀)♡

@idontneedasymbol wrote:

and also Gadreel stuff yeah okay i cannot shut up about this  

Heh, welcome to the hell pit, we’re having tea and cookies at noon. More company is *always* welcome.

I think the concern about Dean’s culpability is about more than assigning blame. It’s largely (at least in my case) about understanding the character.

Yeah, I agree that’s completely valid. And the extensive discussion about blame is even totally valid and important too. I think this is kind of an area where sociological forces are so powerful that there’s a limited amount of free will in how any individual person or group of people even approaches the topic. This is what we have to talk about, because this is what is here.

Even for Carver et al, to a certain extent, they had to structure the narrative the way they did because that’s just how narrative is written [by middle-to-upper class modernist/post-modernist white dudes, and hence by all of us, in the West]. I guess that’s why fic is (imo) such a radical act- it’s the one place we can talk and think about and absorb into ourselves what isn’t there in the same depth we do with what is.

I do think the argument could be made that we don’t get much focusing on the recovery is that Sam, as the injured party, didn’t require that much – that the Gadreel experience wasn’t anything new for Sam, and wasn’t worse than a lot of what else he’s gone through.

I won’t argue this at all as a matter of canon. I think indeed that’s the intended reading- that it was a bad experience, but not (comparatively, for Sam) all that bad. Sam got angry, vented, and then they moved on. There was an awful unintended consequence (the MoC), but it didn’t have anything to do with Sam’s original injury, which was small enough that it resolved on its own with Dean’s semi-apology and a little push from ghost!Kevin.

I think a big piece of how hard it is for some of us to let it go is that we have a really uncomfortable visceral counter-textual reaction to the implications of some of the information presented, that the writers probably didn't think through, or possibly did but decided to ignore and pretend it never happened. Which is that Gadreel appeared from the storyline to have accomplished something even Lucifer didn’t with Sam: make him unable to know what’s real and what isn’t about his life, implicitly (but never acknowledged textually) forever.

In Sam’s post-Hell storyline, Sam has what amounts to partial amnesia about a discrete time period (during the Wall part of the story), and then hallucinations and time-limited flashbacks (during the Hallucifer part), neither of which are a walk in the park. But the longest he goes without being able to distinguish external reality from internal mental states is fairly short. His hallucinations follow him around for (iirc) about 1-2 months and bother him and look and act entirely real, but he knows they’re not (with two exceptions, each for a fairly brief period, and each of which he copes with in a definitive way). Maybe in the Cage, Lucifer played those kinds of tricks in a more global and lasting fashion, but if so, it’s entirely extra-textual.  

But Gadreel takes away Sam’s memories and inserts new ones, and at least once, puts Sam in an entirely manufactured situation that is apparently convincing enough for Sam to believe, and Sam never gets out of any of it on his own. Yeah, he ejects Gadreel, but only because another force is inside his head disputing Gadreel’s version. Gadreel has near-complete control of Sam’s grasp of reality for an extended period (~ 6 weeks), and unlike the “stone one” thing in S7, we’re never given any method by which we know that going forward, Sam can determine for himself what’s real and what isn’t. How does Sam know Gadreel is gone? Gadreel could have manufactured that memory. How does Sam know anything? What, logically, he would know from the experience is that he can’t be sure.

And I think that on balance, even though an extended period of horrible pain and cruelty (Hell) would probably irl be worse than losing one’s ability to understand the narrative of one’s own life (Gadreel), the truth is I’m not sure. I think it’s a close call. Narrative integrity is the thing that allows people to come through pain relatively intact. Torture (Hell) after all is, sure, partially about cruelty for it’s own sake, but mostly what it’s actually for is the destruction of narrative integrity. In a way, Gadreel is a better torturer than Lucifer. He causes less unnecessary discomfort and gets more thorough results.

I think for me, the thing that is most troubling about how the denouement of the Gadreel arc is written, is that in the SPN long haul, the audience is reassured that what Sam went through with Lucifer was not only evil, it was like, the ultimate evil. But with Gadreel, we the audience are just supposed to not look too closely at it and go on as if it never happened.... which, it turns out, is exactly what Gadreel wanted from Sam too. And that- having the audience go through an encapsulated version of what the character did- is a really powerful narrative technique, that I assume the writers’ don’t realize they’ve employed.

I do want to emphasize that I think the “correct” reading of the Gadreel storyline is yours. Not only is it (imo) the intended reading, but it’s also the reading that lets one continue to enjoy the story in a positive way and like... get on to other parts? I guess, in medical terms, it’s a more functional reading? At least for me, and I think largely for some other fans too, if you can’t get past the problem of Gadreel having long(ish)-term control of Sam’s understanding of his own narrative, it kind of destroys the integrity of SPN entirely. If you can’t help letting that situation bother you, then it’s such a fundamental fracture that the failure to address it infects everything that comes afterwards.

But there’s a serious negative to reading the narrative “correctly” too, which is that I think it’s- ugh, “corrupting” is not the right word, but it’s as close as I can think of. It’s a demand by the text for a partially willful ignoring of a non-value-neutral disjuncture. Its 1984ish in a way that makes me really uncomfortable. (I absolutely dont mean this part as a judgement about the act of reading the text as intended- that’s like, the natural way to take text, and reading things counter-textually is a giant drain on mental health that people just cant manage all the time, so we have to pick our battles. I mean it as a judgement on the text for demanding that people do it in order to continue to engage with it without substantial anger.)

I think I have kinda lost my train of thought here, which is probably just as well considering the length, lol, so I’ll just stop without any real conclusion or anything. ¯\(°_o)/¯

(@ameliacareful, I am tagging you, because I know you’ve thought a lot about this issue too. And shoutouts to @ameliacareful‘s The Paper Asks Nothing which also deals with this issue [but it might be a hard/unfulfilling read for you, @idontneedasymbol, because even though much of it is Dean’s POV, it’s pretty critical of Dean too, so take that under advisement]

@ameliacareful, I’m also curious to know have you read Wake? If so, what did you think? What about you, @zpublicizes, have you read Wake?

@idontneedasymbol, when I recced Wake before, you weren’t reading wincest, so allow me to rec it again, because it has some light wincest in it, but it’s my favorite story about fixing the Gadreel mess. It’s Dean’s POV, and I think is fair to the bleakness of the situation as I see it while still also allowing the relationship to be a healthy one that ends okay).

[rontra]

i am SO PUMPED for skin game even tho i have never read any of the source content.... i should probably read it huh (where might i read the source content bc i am an internet noob and haven't been on tumblr recently bc of school)

POSES LANGUIDLY......SLOWLY DABS im glad youre excited 8))))) im v stoked as well!!!!!

as for the original materials....OH NO THIS GOT LONG SORRY

you probably wont have time to read it all in time for ch1 release (lmfao) BUT THEYRE VERY GOOD SO LIKE...DO IT....!!!!strictly speaking, as far as skin game is concerned, you dont ABSOLUTELY NEED the originals (as long as you can live with (1) Mild Spoilers including character spoilers, (2) missing some of the ‘punch’ i guess a familiar reader would have at certain character names/appearances :p (3) missing “assumed knowledge” from character backstory/etc that the fic will summarize but won’t detail too much)  HOWEVER they’re good experiences in their own right and ... my big faves SOOOO READ IT /poses

SO Skin Game is a higurashi/umineko crossover AU. Higurashi and Umineko aren’t actually related as stories (beyond a handful of notable references, shout-outs and potential red herrings :p) but they’re both part of the “when they cry” series and both received very bad anime adaptations, so they’re good friends.

both Higurashi and Umineko are available in original VN format and manga adaptations....both formats have their pros and cons imo :p i’ll try to be pretty impartial but ... i personally didnt actually read the higurashi vn DKSDKSKD i’ll link to a post by my pal Tiger at the end of this reply for higurashi advice!

the VNs are a long read, but the soundtracks add a lot and it’s a pretty, uh, thorough experience. A for-sure pro to these is the overall experience of audio+reading; the atmosphere is pretty killer. Umineko is also available with a fully voice-acted patch, which is amazing tbhDepending on your preference, the length of reading may be a con: going through both full visual novels easily tallies up to 200+ hours imo (ofc depending on your speed)

The manga adaptions are generally considered overall solid. I’ve read umineko in both vn and manga; for the last arc, the manga’s execution surpasses its original, in my opinion xD it’s very fun to see an adaption outdo its foundation like that (of course, the original author was in on it :p)Naturally, reading the manga cuts down a lot of reading time and will spare you some of the lengthier slow sections, which can be a blessing depending on your viewpoint xDOf coure, the sense of characters physically interacting and occupying the same space is far more visceral in manga format than in the static sprites of the vn; whether trading that for the BGM is a worthy deal is up to you, honestly.

I sometimes recommend to pals who aren’t super-into lengthy visual novels (or huge books in general) to start with the manga and consider doing the vn if they end up liking the story :9

To read the visual novels...

you can find complete non-commentated playlists of them on youtube: (Higurashi) (Umineko)

you can track down the original discs and download free translation patches (is this obsolete now that everyone’s doing playlists and torrents and stuff? lol) (Umineko translation patch by witch-hunt)

i’m not giving out links but i’m sure someone out there has a download or torrent for a pre-patched full version :p

MangaGamer is releasing them in english on Steam, though it’s not yet complete (Higurashi: arcs 1-5 available) (Umineko: arc 1-4 available)mangagamer’s reputation and the sprites they chose: YMMV

Now as we know, reading manga online has some wacky translation quality, and higurashi has entire arcs online that are like...incomprehensible. umineko is slightly better (though it still fkcfnf goes off the rails a few times, translation-wise)  BUT if you can’t afford to keep up with the official yenpress release you may as well, right (and if you’re like me, youve read enough bad scanlations to kinda follow along anyway xD)

the main problem is that for some reason some arcs have missing chapters? this goes for both, though higurashi seems to be just kind of more universally janked in some aspects, though you can probably ask @sg2tiger to post the fixes they made for me xD

To read the mangas, I recommend using batoto--you have to sign up to use it, but many other sites are missing vital chapters of umineko for some reason and batoto’s okay for umineko but...batoto has issues with higurashi as well!! it’s cursed!!, but see Tiger’s post below again for more on higurashi xD IM BEST AT UMINEKO SORRY i need tiger’s guidance

Each story is in 8 arcs/”episodes”. Umineko was kind enough to number them, but Higurashi’s are a little less forthcoming, so here’s the reading order if you need it xD

Onikakushi-hen

Watanagashi-hen

Tatarigoroshi-hen

Himatsubushi-hen

Meakashi-hen

Tsumihoroboshi-hen

Minagoroshi-hen

Matsuribayashi-hen

(and then theres some side arcs i didnt read)

Tiger’s more in-depth reply on Higurashi specifically: http://rontra.tumblr.com/post/158933410364

Content warnings

Universal: blood/gore, body horror, child abuse

Higurashi specific: That Squicky Torture ShitUmineko specific: Incest (mentioned), sexual assault (mentioned)

[mint-sm]

LOS CAMPESINOS! REVIEW/ANALYSIS: Sick Scenes

Note: I haven’t found a full album post video and some of the songs aren’t available on Youtube for me to cite like with my other reviews, sadly. Listen to it on Spotify or something lol

---

So... that was a long time, wasn’t it? Not just the gap between my last review, but between albums. There was a four-year gap between “Sick Scenes” and the band’s last album, “No Blues,” a product that I could see some appeal in but was personally unsatisfied with, but I was still eager to hear another record from them. Unfortunately, we had to wait this long gap, since things have changed, and simply put: the band has grown up.

Not necessarily in just a literal or maturity-level sense, but the fact that the world we’ve been living in has kind of grown unkind to everyone in the last few years. Not only has the music scene the band was affiliated with been changing to something else that’s -- for the lack of better words -- kinda boring, and not only has it also become less profitable, with the band resigning to day jobs for a while (thank God for commemorative football jersey sales!), but this has been a long stretch of time where everyone’s gone much more weary, especially as the world starts bombarding you with crappiness.

Worrying about a quarter-life crisis, fighting physical and mental illnesses, watching all the things from your youth slowly crumble away while past generations trivialize and demean your current problems, watching all your current interests go to shit, and also becoming increasingly uneasy with how crappy and seemingly suicidal the world at large has become, especially with the US presidential election, the Brexit vote, and most importantly, Euro 2016 being largely terrible.

I bring this up because it finally seems to provide the backing for something I desperately missed from “No Blues”: Context. I’ve went over the musical issues I had with “No Blues” a bit more in-depth in my review of it, but lyrically and thematically, there was just a sort of vagueness and a lack of a definite focus that also really turned me off from liking it very much. “Sick Scenes,” however, feels like it’s much more of a return to form in that finally, we do have a more concrete approach to the album, in that we actually know what went behind its philosophy, and now there’s actually more to latch onto and relate to other than vaguely pretty, overly-precise and clean production.

ALL THESE / SICK SCENES PLAYED OUT IN MY MEMORY / WAKE UP / I'LL TELL YOU EVERYTHING HONESTLY /

The album has actually toned down a lot of that overly pristine mixing and production of “No Blues,” and there’s actually a lot more grit, texture as well as tightness to it. It’s not “Romance Is Boring”-levels noisy, but there is a certain rawness and thump to a lot of the instrumentation again; one standout thing is the snares and kicks like from the song “Sad Suppers,” which feel a bit more crackly, but also god-loads tighter, and in a way that actually has a sort of “dirty” quality to it that I’m a huge fan of for this type of music.

“Sick Scenes” has also been a step-up compositionally as well. The melodies feel a lot catchier, with many of the bangers feeling a lot faster and more driving than those in “No Blues,” and they tend to have a consistent or growing momentum to them that actually feel powerful. “Renato Dall’Ara (2008)” is an awesome opening track because of this, starting off with like these awesome “spiralling-down” backup vocals, a really catchy chorus and more definitive sonic evolution as it goes on, it’s just great (as of this writing, there’s now word this song’s getting a music video next week! Can’t wait!)

THEY WOULD PLAY MY REQUESTS AT THE GUESTLIST’S BEHEST / ANY DISCO ALL ACROSS TOWN / BUT THINGS CHANGE, NOW STELLA’S A LAGER / AND BOY SHE IS ALWAYS DOWNED /

Los Camp have even much improved most of their slower ballads, or at least their sort of “breather” tracks, which now actually have a lot more going for them musically and lyrically. “5 Flucloxacillin” and “The Fall of Home” are especially surprising since basically, praise heaven almighty, GARETH CAN ACTUALLY SING! Like I don’t know what the hell happened in these last 4 years, but holy god Gareth can actually pull of being gentle and melodic, and in a way that actually conveys a lot of emotion and isn’t boring, especially with the subject matter.

Like I said, “Sick Scenes” feels like much more of a step up from “No Blues” and even “Hello Sadness” in that it definitely feels more about actual definite things, but a lot of the mentalities that I did think could’ve made both of those two albums much more interesting than they ended up being are still present here. It took me a while to figure out what made it so different, but I think the early days of “Hold on Now, Youngster…” fell more along the lines of being more actively emotional and visceral, trying to thump these feelings of weirdly upbeat melancholia into your head, whereas things like “No Blues” and this album seem to want to treat it more playfully, look at it with contemplation and humility, trying to find a dryer sense of subtle wittiness to it.

In that sense, “Sick Scenes” feels like it’s sort of blending the best of both worlds by approaching the focused definition, viscerality and sound of the “Youngster” days, but mixing it with a much more self-reflective and mature philosophical method. It’s a reasonable approach for the album considering its subject matter and consistent sense of fond nostalgia, and while it does tread a bit more of older ground as a result, it feels a lot more comprehensive and less overly stuffed or boring, while giving a bit of a wink back to the days of old. Hell, “Renato Dall’Ara (2008)” seems to directly reference “Youngster,” not just with the general feel and attitude (and it’s snarky as hell and I love it), but also that title (hint hint, the “2008” in the title is NOT referencing the Renato Dall'Ara).

PICTURED READING KARL MARX BESIDE HIS PARENTS’ POOL / FACING RIDICULE HE BLEATED / “THAT DOESN’T MAKE ME RICH, NO WAY, / IT’S ONLY OUTDOOR AND IT ISN’T HEATED” /

Unfortunately, a bit of a strike against this more grown-up-approach is that it means some parts of the album fall into the same trap as with “No Blues,” in that sometimes the lyrics can get a little too witty for their own good, and can get a little too obsessed with esoteric referential wordplay rather than actual content or coherence. “For Whom the Belly Tolls” (couldn’t find a video for this) to me feels like one of the weaker links on the album, in that the music isn’t particularly dynamic nor all that catchy for me, and would be ultimately rather unremarkable if not for that spontaneous choral bridge at the halfway point... which to be honest, transitions AWESOMELY.

Also, there are just some occasionally “No Blues”-esque deadpan moments on this album, which again, I can totally find appreciation for, but for me tend to end up kind of samey-sounding and a little boring, especially later on the album with “A Litany/Heart Swells,” or “Got Stendhal’s.” I dunno what to really say about these tbh, not only do they just kinda get repetitive after a bit, but they also feel like retreads to stuff Los Camp’s already done before, like with the “Heart Swells/Pacific Daylight Time” from “Doomed” or “What Death Leaves Behind” from “No Blues.”

However, with all that said, just about every other song on the album has something to offer as I’d expect from Los Camp’s standards, in that the music and subject matters feel diverse and intricate, eliciting conflicting yet consistent feels, and I do mean “feels,” since while this album is mostly much more vibrant than these last few albums, it’s actually still very gloomy and impending at times. Honestly, while that cover art above is still that popular pastel-y pink color that I kinda hate, it actually does feel rather indicative of the album in a good way: This kind of vacant, slacking and tired, nearly zombie-like person that’s so utterly fed up with how life and the world is playing out that they just want to lay there in the middle of a supermarket like an idiot who’s been up all night thinking about how shitty the world is. It’s indicative, interesting, kinda bleak, but also really funny.

(IT SEEMS UNFAIR) TO BE A ROTTEN HORN OF PLENTY! / (IT SEEMS UNFAIR) TO BE CADAVER FOR A CURSE! / (IT SEEMS UNFAIR) TO BE AN OVERFLOW FOR EMPTY! / (IT SEEMS UNFAIR) TO TRY YOUR BEST BUT FEEL THE WORST! /

Tracks like “I Broke Up in Amarante” and “A Slow, Slow Death” manage to encapsulate a lot of complete and utter frustration in an incredibly bombastic and grand veneer. Even though they do feel like they’re about completely different EXACT subjects (which I’m pretty sure are the aforementioned Euro 2016 and Brexit, respectively), they manage to feel oddly cathartic, but in a weird, kind of restrained but still natural-feeling way. There are also a lot of references in the songs like with “No Blues,” but overall it doesn’t feel as overbearing with these tracks, since the lyrics feel like perfectly comprehensible metaphors as is, and I find them pretty charming and relatable, as well as accessible.

“Here’s to the Fourth Time” (couldn’t find a link for this one) is also pretty humorous but also kind of awesome, and it honestly feels like the closest the album gets to “Romance is Boring”’s sound. The melodies are pretty poppy and catchy and have like this sort of just “grooving” and textured flow and feel to them that I love, and the last third of this song goes onto like this really noisy but badass-sounding breakdown with looped drums, distorted guitars and vocals, but in addition to that, the lyrics manage to be probably the most charming on the record, in that obviously the situation is cringey as hell (it’s about sex, and sex in a Los Camp song can never end well) but also kind of awkwardly hilarious and sympathetic, especially given the context the bandmates, now being 30-something-year-olds contemplating their quarter-life crises.

“5 Flucloxacillin” and “The Fall of Home,” once again, do feel the most indicative of that mentality of “I’m so fucking done with this place”-ness, but they approach it in such unique ways to what you’d expect from typical Los Camp fare. “5 Flucloxacillin” is kind of like this livelier indie rock ballad, with again, Gareth’s great vocals, but it’s surprisingly more “mellow” than “gentle”: the vocals are smooth and lively, but there does sound like a bit of deep-seated resentment hidden as the lyrics go into the frustration and bitterness that one would have with taking a lot of medications for things like acne or depression, and growing up in a world of utter chaos while being shittalked to by the people who made it that way whilst undermining your problems, and how even though years have passed and you probably should’ve grown out of them… you still haven’t.

(Hint hint! This song is about baby-boomers being assholes! Do you like this song yet?)

AM I A PIGGY BANK OF OBSOLETE CURRENCY? / AN ORDER OF MERIT FROM COUNTRY KNOWN FOR TYRANNY? / ANOTHER BLISTER PACK POPS, BUT I STILL FEEL MUCH THE SAME / THIRTY-ONE AND DEPRESSION IS A YOUNG MAN'S GAME /

“The Fall of Home” takes a much more intimate approach to these subjects in a way that feels rather basic, but gut-wrenching. It’s a guitar ballad, and while this could’ve easily been boring, it just sounds so nice, with like these great piano and violin accompaniments, and Gareth’s gentle, almost kind of fragile-sounding but beautiful singing, basically listing all the miserable losses of everything you once loved, locally and nationally, going down to shit by simple virtue of time having passed by and the present not being kind to them. It manages to be the simplest, but most poignant track on the entire album, and is honestly probably one of Los Camp’s newest classics.

BATTERY DIES ON YOUR MONTHLY CALL / BUDGET CUT AT YOUR PRIMARY SCHOOL / ANOTHER FAMILY FRIEND FELL SICK / GAVE THE FASCISTS A THOUSAND TICKS /

The ending track, “Hung Empty,” is alright. It’s got some great flow to it and a very catchy chorus hook, and it ends in a way only Los Camp can really get away with, valiantly shouting “Feels like I've been waiting on it, nearly all my life, but what, if this is it now, what if this is how we die!?” in a way that almost feels defiant or daring. It’s a creditable finisher, but at the same time it kind of feels… expected, you know? It feels like a typical Los Camp finisher, but it’s also just kinda basic. It’s actually kind of a microcosm of the entire album for me: it’s good! But some parts of it feel like they’ve been done before.

Like I’ve said, this album does feel like a much more pleasing return to form for the band’s earlier works but approached with a more grown-up, more exposed-to-the-world and vaguely “doomed” mindset, and for the most part, it’s very compelling! It’s got some great songs, and its feel feels a lot more definite and impactful than their last albums, it’s just that there’s a bit of crows feet here and there, and it kinda feels like even with the new perspectives it explores, some of it feels a little by-the-numbers at this point.

Not in a ruinous way, but I hope that for next album they do go even more adventurous than they did here. Again, I do think they already made a good effort; I was going to give this more of a 3.5/5, but after being given more time to appreciate the little intricacies of this album and realizing where a lot of it is coming from, it’s grown on me pretty well, it’s just I kinda wanna see more in the future, y’know? Who knows? Maybe they actually will, and I’m kind of excited by that prospect. We’re just going to have to wait and see.

Maybe if they manage to sell another thousand more of those “Doomed” football jerseys. I don’t care much about football, but goddamn I kinda want one anyway.

LC!4LYF (4/5)

FAVES: “Renato Dall’Ara (2008)”, “Sad Suppers”, “I Broke Up in Amarante”, “The Fall of Home”, “5 Flucloxacillin”, “Here’s to the Fourth Time!”, “Hung Empty”

aaaaand there you have it! Reviews of all the major Los Camp albums! Ahh… fuck

I might do more reviews of different albums in the future, but maybe not. Iunno, maybe I’ll do a few one-shots of albums I wanna talk about, like Gorillaz or something, but I don’t really know what I can really offer for that lol. We’ll see.