#kinda in a weird state of excitement anxiety productivity and happiness

[itskaeee]

2/3 done now, now onto the biggest part of them all

[astaroth1357]

Demon Brothers Meeting the MC’s Family

I mean, if they have any family at all, what could they even tell them anyway? “Sorry Mom, still in Hell so I won’t make Thanksgiving but I’m doing great though!” This is another long one folks, but I lowkey kind of love it a whole lot. Sooo fun to write. One of my favorite posts so far.

Lucifer

Thinks it's a little weird that they’re so adamant to introduce their family to a literal demon but also kinda gets it. Family is the most important thing to him too.

Is very focused on making a good first impression, from image to attitude. Their approval isn’t going to do jack to stop him from being with the MC but he’d still take pride in being able to charm them for a night. Besides, if the MC cares then so does he.

Has more experience with the human world than the others so he’d know a lot of the do’s and don'ts already. They won’t need to worry about him making some kind of slip up.

Would love the irony if the MC’s family is religious at all. Christian/Jewish especially. May or may not play along with their little rituals but is going to make a lot of thinly veiled, passive-aggressive comments towards his "old man."

Would be most comfortable in a setting where there’s a lot of intellectual discussion or debate. He loves to steer a conversation down towards politics or other controversial things to get a rise out of people. The MC may need to reign him in if that’s a big no-go zone.

Isn’t really going to get along with any younger siblings the MC might have. Either he’s too stiff or too scary. If they’re looking for a playmate, look somewhere else.

Also not going to be particularly fond of any pets they have one way or another. Though he may take a shine to pitbulls or rottweilers because they remind him of Cerberus.

Mammon

You sure about this, MC? Him? Really? Are you really sure? He’s going to think they're crazy but he’s not going to refuse.

Will be so freaking excited if they’re from a well-to-do or, dare say, rich family. So much stuff to steal admire. Yeah, yeah no stealing from the MC’s family, he gets it... He’ll really try his best but it might be good to keep an eye on him.

Surprisingly though, he’s not going to be disgusted if they’re from a poor family either because the dude gets it. Money is hard to come by and things can be tough. He might even… pay... for some stuff while he’s there... You know, if he can. Don’t make a big deal out of it… He's got an image to keep.

He’ll try his best to not come off like a total scumbag and it may actually work. He’s rough around the edges but there’s plenty of chances for his better side to shine through as long as he stays on good behavior. 

They will have to be sure that he doesn’t get to talking too much because his dumbass will let it slip that he’s a demon. 

Mammon may not love kids but kids love him and any younger siblings are going to do the same. Even if he calls them little gremlins, he’ll let himself get roped into whatever game they’re playing and make it a lot of fun in the process.

Bring on the pets! He’s more of a dog person but he’ll play with a cat too. He may not be as animal-obsessed as Satan but he loves a good furry companion every once in a while.

Leviathan 

NOOOOO and you can’t make him!!! A social event involving strangers where he has to make a good impression?? Fuck no, that sounds like actual hell and he doesn’t want anything to do with it!

… But he also can’t just let the MC go back to the human world alone because what if they meet someone better than him and get reminded that they’re with a good-for-nothing otaku…? Okay he's going. But he’s going to pout about it.

His first impression is going to make him come off like a nervous wreck no matter what. There’s really no polishing this bundle of anxiety. The best he can hope for is to ride this thing out until it's done.

Will be pretty quiet and cling to the MC like a life-raft the entire night. Refuses to be left alone with their family in any capacity, he could not handle the awkward silence. If they’re going to the bathroom, then he’s going too damnit.

If they have a pretty nerdy family then he might be a bit more comfortable. Especially if any of their siblings/parents game or are into anime. Steering conversation more towards his comfort zones will help him out a lot...

If they have little siblings who play a lot of video games then he is going to be the coolest person in the world. Period. He knows all the best strategies to practically any game out there, demonic or human. He may even loosen up a little bit and start smiling if he gets to wow an audience with his gaming prowess!

Like Lucifer he’s not going to be all that impressed with pets either way. He’ll think fish are pretty neat and probably even reptiles too but don’t expect him to get too cuddly with a dog or anything.

Satan

Doesn’t hate the idea but agrees that his name is going to have to change if they’re really serious about it. “Hey everybody this is my boyfriend, Satan!” is only going to be appealing to very niche circles...

Like Lucifer, he's going to be mindful of how he comes across. He'd rather the MC's family likes him than didn't, even if it's irrelevant, so expect him to be very polite and sociable. Damn near the perfect gentleman.

… Until something/someone sets off his temper. He may not go full Wrath on the situation but it's probably best to get him out of the room real quick so he can cool down.

Would love if the MC comes from an super educated family but it’s not a must. He's the kind of guy who will ask a lot of questions about any person's profession/skills and how things work regardless of background. He's curious that way.

Either way, he is going to show off his smarts and make sure that their family knows where his intellect is at. He wants them to know that the MC picked someone with a good head on their shoulders, after all.

Best keep him away from small children and bratty teens. He isn't exactly opposed to kids, but it takes one little shit to set him off and NO ONE looks good yelling at someone else's kid. Deserved or not.

Will there be cats? Do you have a cat? Please say you have a cat! He's okay with dogs too but if the MC has a cat this man will be ecstatic. The cat will love him and he will love it right back. Honestly, he's already adopted it. It's his now. Who's MC?

Asmodeus

Baby, you can take him anywhere and he’ll be the life of the party! A little family gathering doesn’t matter to him.

Is going to make sure that the moment he walks through the door the MC's family is in awe of what a catch they've got for themselves. He wants them to be proud of their little MC! To him, that translates to looking good and being fun!

Hope this is a house used to physical affection because he will not (and probably cannot) turn it off. Everyone gets hugs. Everyone.

Extra affectionate the whole night. He'll hold the MC's hand or arm or waist or really any part he can get away with. Kisses on the head and cheek aplenty. He may also lowkey butter up their parents with loads of compliments no matter what situation they're in.

If he's told to cool it on the touching though, he may get offended.

Is going to be better with teenage siblings than little, little ones. The man lives to give dating advice, fashion tips, or makeovers, you name it. Though he has to be careful to mention just human products and not some of the stuff he has back home.

Animal fur on his clothes? After he dressed himself so carefully?? No thanks. You can have your cute puppy or your little kitty. He'll take pictures, but he's probably not going pet much.

Beelzebub

Is honestly kind of honored by the suggestion. The MC is already a part of his family so it only seems natural to make him part of theirs. Though he has some reservations, mostly around his appetite...

He doesn't go up to the human world very much because it's really hard for him to stay fed. He's well-known enough in the Devildom that restaurants know what to expect when he walks in. Not so much up there.

Arrange the meeting around a state fair, festival, or carnival where the food is plentiful and he's golden. Hopefully their family won't be too disturbed by how bottomless his stomach is…

Beel is a sweetheart through and through but his lack of knowledge about how the human world, or humans in general, work might come back to bite him. He may need a little 101 about human manners before going.

Truthfully, their family is in for a real treat! This giant may look intimidating, but he's as gentle as they come. The kind of guy who will carry their grandmother’s bags with a smile on his face just for the sake of being helpful. 10/10 Sweetie, mother will approve.

Ooooh little kids are going to love Beel. He'll let their siblings hang off of him like a jungle gym. Will also play games with them if they want him to. Doesn't matter to him, their family is his family too and he wants to see them all happy.

Man wants dogs. Preferably big ones that he can rough-house with but little dogs he can cuddle work too. Do remind him that he can't just rip a whole-ass branch off a tree to play fetch like you could with Cerberus.

Belphegor

Really? You want that? Lol, okay but no promises. This is pretty much the equivalent of sticking two unlabeled chemicals together in a beaker and leaning in to see what happens. Who knows, but now you're stuck in the middle of it.

He's not going to try especially hard to make a good impression or change himself in any way. If their family is into people who are kind of chill and sarcastic then he'll get along swimmingly. If they were expecting more of a Satan type, yeah. No. He's not holding open any doors.

Won't be taking the whole thing all that seriously to be honest, like, what are a bunch of humans going to do if they don’t like him? Tell MC? They're certainly not going to be able to make him leave. He's humoring them at best, even if he's nice, so why bother fussing about it?

Might be a disrespectful little troll at times like pretending to fall asleep or making casual jokes like "Oh no, ma'am. I'm not all that comfortable with that cross over there because I'm a demon. …. Got ya, didn’t I? That'd be silly." *shit-eating grin*

Would appreciate a quiet, slightly introverted family the most. He's going to start getting annoyed if people in the house are too loud and may speed the whole thing along as a result.

Kids are things he'd rather avoid than have to interact with, but if pressed he will humor the little ones too. Don't expect him to do a whole lot of moving, though. If they're happy to just show him things that he can semi-pay attention to, that works for him.

MC has a pet? Is it fluffy? Is it lazy? Bring'em here. Like Beel, he likes big dogs but would rather just bury his face in fluff than try to wrestle it. He may actually fall asleep with them if they lay still enough for it.

[trad-masculine]

I'm dating again.

Which brings a very weird feeling to it, admiting this anonymously to people who follow me for doing a Masculine style thing on a blog. Speaking of I appreciate all of you for being interested in what amounts to one person's thoughts on being a man in the 21st century.

It might be palpable that I'm in an emotionally vulnerable headspace as I write this. Which, yeah, breakup, taking some time to myself to recalibrate, back to dating after over a year in a committed thing; it's emotionally heavy.

A bias to near prejudice, or at least strong dislike approaching disgust of mine is this; I do not like weakness in men. This is a feeling, & the idea of weakness is a felt thing, it's not born of an extensive philosophy, as most of what I think & feel tends to emerge from. This is visceral, the philosophy that it has is post hoc. I'm not sure, then, if this is the truest of beliefs I have, or the most distorted.

Weakness is not emotionality. This is a profound truth for me. As, the men I most respect, I have seen almost to a man, cry & bring forth tears to their eyes over depth of feeling, either of joy, of sorrow, or of compassion. I consider an absence of emotion a form of cowardice. Perhaps the central nature of it. As by my introspection, fear of emotion is what represses all the other emotions. Rolling off of this, I respect people who Know Fear. Being scared is an honorable place to be, if the emotion is appropriate. Cowardice isn't the act of being afraid, but of being only afraid. Having nothing meaningful within you to temper your fear.

I bring this up, because I want to talk about what the social process of dating does to men.

When on a dating app, nearly every guy is a player. Those that aren't are either very confused & naive, or are working something very specific. Player to me isn't a skill or approach, but an innate psychological state, let's call it Player Mode. There is also a psychological state which we can call Commitment Mode.

Spread your seed, or tend it, so to speak.

There is all sorts of powerful brain chemistry involved & the psychological states are deeply embedded in our psyche.

There are two very distinct ways to be a player, however. A Manipulator or a Lover. Possibly a third, I'll call a Sniper.

Before we get deep into that, let's walk through what happens when when you use a dating app, although playing the field at a bar or in the wild works somewhat the same, psychologically.

You start by swiping, liking & messaging girls. Some reply back. Let's say you come across a profile & immediately start crushing on the girl. You get nervous, so your message is shit, she doesn't reply. That's brutal if you think it through, breaking a crush hurts. You have to like/message about say, 50 girls to get a date. Breaking 50 crushes isn't a viable emotional strategy to get to step one of a relationship.

*Thus the emotional train is off the tracks, & for a deep relationship to happen the feeling must be rekindled, after you start to get to know the girl. >She needs to talk you into crushing on her.*

*This* is the central problem of dating. Because of the social process we have currently, men aren't chasing crushes, & so aren't entering a first date in the headspace that builds to true commitment.

The Manipulator is afraid of commitment, & of his own emotions controlling him, so he tells himself that the number of women he can lie to & talk into sleeping with him is the measure of his Masculinity. This is hard to argue with, man to man. The moral analysis isn't worth much. But the analysis that recognizes him & outs him as a coward, that has a better chance of productive impact.

The Lover can be powerfully passionate because his emotions are brought to the fore & made active as he goes into a relationship, as he wants to feel the love, but to balance himself, he lives in the moment. Generally, he doesn't lie or promise commitment. Regardless of the intensity of his feelings, he is still very embedded in the headspace of Player Mode. Since is isn't repressing or managing himself, after a time in a relationship, that player mode returns to the forefront as the honeymoon period ends & he finds himself drawn to a new & exciting Lover.

The Sniper can be of either type as default, but he is also looking for "the one." So he's judging women very directly between what he wants to lay short term, & who might be worth more effort & is worthy of commitment. I think I'd accurately describe myself as a Lover-Sniper.

I tried to not emotionality weight these, or apply judgement to the ideas. I simply want to be concise & analytical so there is clear understanding.

A pure Sniper is rare. The emotional insecurity of not having some form of a relationship is a powerful form of anxiety. There are plenty of guys who are "snipers" because they can't get a relationship. So they are mentally in commitment mode. This is, I think, the source of porn addiction & or simping. I know of guys who are on a high level & who had the self control to turn down offers of sex & relationships until they found someone they considered worthy. I wanted to be this, intuitively as a teen, but gave up the fantasy that I could win the girl of my dreams without having the confidence that comes from experience in realationships & in bed. This can get to a very disturbed & obsessive mindset. Stalkers are pure snipers. But there are other kinds.

*

My advice to someone in that kinda spot, to my past self. It's easy to get good at sex, it's easy to get good at being in a relationship with someone who sees the potential within you. Figuring out how to get girls to the point of willing & then to turn down those girls is useful. If purity of purpose & being is important to you, don't take the first girl who throws herself at you. The regret bites for a long time. But if porn takes you to a place where you aren't getting out & talking to girls, tossing the v card is easily worth it to get your headspace fixed.

*

There isn't a psychological dynamic that is in itself correctly healthy for men regarding approach sexuality, at least in the current dating environment. Chasing Crushes isn't scalable, & that is the root problem.

There's a type of girl who is only looking for "A Long Term Relationship Only." She isn't however, inticing. She doesn't know how to be wanted & desirable. She doesn't offer anything that brings out the crush which a man will need to be in in order to shift into a healthy commitment mode with her. I'm not certain what happens there, but I have to imagine everyone involved feels they are settling, & will hurt for the entirety of the relationship.

*

I'm writing this up as I'm trying to really think through how to solve the dating situation so that it works for more people. So relationships are successful & men & women are happy in them. It's not the most elegant or beautiful or composed thought I've had or published here, but this is deeply important to me.

Love shouldn't suck. We need to collectively figure out how to Make Love Lovely Again.

So, I have an idea I want to pitch, which has been difficult to get across to people I've talked to about this, such that the idea made sense to them. But I really think I'm close to right on this.

*

Women need game. Men have game. Fuck hookup PUA's but the actual technique tools of how to appeal to women are spectacularly useful. Women need to figure out how to appeal to men, not as sexual objects, but as potential relationships. Game for men is about getting laid. Game for women should be about getting men to fall for them & only them.

"Men are responsible for making the relationship, women for keeping it."

*

There's an ancient form of girlgame passed down generations mother to daughter. Just as there was an ancient form of guygame passed down from men to boys. We need to rekindle the dance between the Masculine & feminine in the realm of sexual relationship, dating & play. This fight thing we're all doing sucks.

Like most guys I want to find someone good enough to catch my heart, but I don't want to pretend for lifetime I've found the one when I haven't.

The love of men that isnt born of a crush is slow. The path of a crush is easy to explain, but deep love is a slow thing. I've seen love at first sight, or at least very close to it. But it's from a level of deep being that's so rarely reached mutually by two people who meet such that such a lightning connection can form. But I've also seen a relationship start from a small kernel & grow into a forest.

I firmly believe there's a lot of possible paths to True Love, I've seen several myself, but normative paths of how we find each other as sexual humans make us start in places within ourselves that make reaching True Love impossible, at least without a deep course correction at some latter point.

Those of us looking for that Sacred kind of love in fairy tales, that which we burn for, need to figure out how to survive with outselves long enough to find each other & get there together. Maybe this means breaking the rules of what we thing is "proper" dating.

Honestly, whatever we do, we need to figure this bitch out & work together to get back there. I'm tired of the men VS women game, tired of the fight being the normal way of things.

Hmu if you have some thoughts on how to do this love thing better together, I'll be listening to Hozier & watching Princess Bride. ✌️

[sequoiann]

one door down

pairing; joshua hong x reader genre; total fluff + neighbor!joshua + neighbors to lovers!au ? is tht a thing? if it’s not then i shall make it a thing bc yes ahaha word count; 5.4k words

synopsis; you moved in to your new place, and you and joshua first meet when he helps you out with the boxes bc you were taking forever to do it yourself. his room window was kinda directly opposite yours, so cue random paper airplanes flying into your room and you hearing him play the guitar in the mornings. and every other good shit you can think about when it comes to neighbor!josh (happy birthday shua!)

“Here we are, Miss,” the taxi driver spoke gruffly from his seat as the car slowed to a stop. It wasn’t in any sort of annoyed tone, it seemed that his voice was just deep as it is.

You glanced out of the taxi window and a pretty regular, 2-story house was in view. You quickly pulled out a few dollar bills from your wallet, passing it over to the driver first before you got lost in examining the exterior of your new residence.

Thanking the driver and getting out of the car, you hastily grabbed your single luggage from the bunk before slamming the cover back down. You looked up at the house that was somewhat towering over you, it’s V-shaped roof casting a shadow. The roofline didn’t peak in the center as was the fashion in the previous decade, but instead sloped a little to the left. It looked new — not too new, but newer than you had expected. It looked as if it had been rolled off a production line, but they had forgotten to apply the mandatory layer of color to it. The windows were huge and glassy, with a pretty, soft blue tint to it. You walked closer to it and could see the intricate patterns of wood on the walls of the house, although it was a clean white and grey.

You dug for the keys that your mother had entrusted you in your backpack. It was buried somewhere deep in the front pocket, and after a period of rummaging, you finally felt the jump ring, pulling it out along with all the other keys attached to it. You unlocked the main door with a tinge of excitement bubbling in your heart, pushing the door open to meet the place you’d be staying it for a big part of the rest of your life.

Entering the house, you closed the door behind you and lifted your bulky luggage — not wanting the wheels to stain the wood flooring — and shuffled to a corner of the living room, placing it down. Surfaces of white, glossy plastic iced over the kitchen that was situated to the left of the room, granite enforcing the walls in their straight, uninspired monotony. There was a wallpaper of some sort covering the walls of the other parts of the house, providing warmth in some way. The stairs leading up to the second floor was right at the back wall of the first floor, but wasn’t hidden. Every line was clean and straight, the color scheme being cream, white, and grey. With browns.

Your phone started ringing then, and you picked up immediately. It was your mother.

“Yes, Mom, I’ve arrived,” you told her, wrapping your fingers around the handle of your luggage again and walking towards the stairs with some difficulty from the weight.

“Oh, good! How’s the place? Have you explored?” she asked, sounding way more excited than you were.

You grunted softly as you climbed up the stairs, thuds erupting with every heavy step you took. “Kind of.”

You finally reached the second floor and saw 3 rooms in the short hallway. You entered the first one, before letting your luggage down. You huffed, now focusing on the phone call.

“Why’d you get such a big place?” you asked, trying to make it sound not so much of a complaint. You weren’t complaining. “It’s just me in this entire house, Mom. And it’s gonna be so empty.”

Your mother laughed. “Your Uncle Bob is the landlord, I could get some nice discounts from him,” she stated smugly. “Besides, if any of us visits, we could stay over or something. Or maybe your friends would want to. Who knows?”

You chuckled, relenting. “Okay then.”

“Oh, by the way,” your mother started again. “Go greet your neighbors, I heard there’s someone living next door. I’ve packed some of my homemade muffins in your luggage bag.” You could practically hear how proud she was on the phone. She must’ve been talking about the house on the left side of yours that you saw previously. It looked almost like yours, except it was whiter, its roof colored black. You caught a glimpse of warm, orangey lights inside.

“Mom, no!” you protested. You didn’t want to hurt her feelings, but that just came out as it did. You heard her hum sullenly on the other side of the line, making you rephrase your words. “I mean,” you muttered, quickly thinking of an excuse. “Your muffins are great, Mom, but it’s 11am in the morning, what if they’re still asleep?”

“Who sleeps till 11?” she frowned.

You rolled your eyes. “I know I do.”

“That’s just you.”

“Mom!” you exclaimed. “It’ll be weird to pop by so suddenly. They aren’t even expecting me. I’ll just live a quiet life here.”

“Y/N, they’d be glad! Just go, knock on the door, say hi, pass them the food, and you’re done!” your mother urged.

You sighed. “I’d like to believe I have social anxiety, Mom,” you mumbled softly, crossing your arms as you sat down on the floor beside your luggage, pulling it down so that it was lying down in front of you before unzipping it with one hand, using your feet to hold it down when it moved. It definitely wasn’t a ladylike sight, but you didn’t really care. Luckily, the luggage didn’t move much due to its weight, so unzipping and opening it with just one hand wasn’t too much of a chore.

“Where did you put it?” you asked your mother, scanning through the overstuffed luggage. You were grateful nothing came spilling out, thanks to the seatbelt-looking things that formed an X over everything, holding them down.

You could visualize your mother’s expression lighting up. “The corner, I think!”

Your hands immediately fly to all four corners of the luggage, and you saw the mason jar of cookies and muffins.

“Found it,” you told your mother, scrutinizing the glass for any cracks, and at the same time peering into it to check if the food were still… well, intact. They fortunately were.

“Great! Now get going, before the moving truck gets there. You’re gonna be busy once it does.”

“Yeah, sure.” Ideas were forming in your head, all seeming quite possibly done.

“I’ll be checking the next time I go over, don’t eat it yourself and don’t hide it either!”

“Yes, Mom, I got it,” you droned. Your cover’s blown.

The call ends there after you two say your goodbyes, and you sighed, looking at the mason jar in your hands. A cute, yellow ribbon was tied on top, and you could tell your mother had put in quite a lot of effort to make it look nice.

Not wanting to let her handiwork go to waste, you stood up, leaving your opened luggage on the floor and going back downstairs. Your hand casually goes to your pocket, making sure your keys were in there before leaving the house and heading over to your neighbor’s.

You couldn’t help but stare when you saw the lights coming from deep inside of the house; somewhat at the back of the living room, if you guessed right. The warm lights contrasted really well with the white exterior and interior, and the design of the house was really simple but futuristic and sleek. Its lines seemed even cleaner than yours, if that was possible.

Tugging on your denim jacket, you walked up to the doorstep, the dark door seeming more intimidating than a regular door should look like. You gulped, your eyes scanning the door as if the spot you picked to knock on would make a huge difference in the person answering it. You took a breath and recited the lines you had to say a few times in your head, before knocking on the wooden door, your knuckles making a sharp, not-too-loud thudding sound. There was silence as you stood there for a while. Your ears perked up to try to pick up any sounds of someone walking towards the door, but there was none.

You internally whooped — the owners were probably out. But if so, then why would the lights be on?

You brushed it off and was about to walk back home when you heard someone call from inside, “Coming!”

The voice was a little rough and obviously belonged to a man. You heard footsteps hastily making its way down the stairs, and you suddenly had the urge to run. Run? Why run?

Before you could even think any further, the door swings open, and a guy stands in front of you. He looked slightly haggard, wrinkles lining his forehead and the corner of his eyes, but he didn’t seem too old. Just the dad-age.

Your practiced lines of introducing yourself came out as a jumble of words, which led to you shutting up and simply handing the jar of food to him. He frowns slightly.

“May I help you?” he asked, and you quickly snapped out of it.

“Oh! Um, I’m so sorry,” you rambled. “I’ve just moved in next door, and my mother wanted me to give you those,” you told him, gesturing over to your house. He leans out a bit to look over to your place, his eyes widening slightly in realization.

“I see,” he said, his voice monotone, a subtle smile on his lips. “Welcome to the neighborhood then.”

You smile. “Thank you, sir.” You looked past his shoulder and caught a glimpse of the inside; it looked as good as you had presumed.

The man lifted the mason jar. “And thank you for these, sweetheart. Help me thank your mother too.”

You nodded, not removing the smile on your face and feeling yourself lighten up at the endearing term he used. “Will do.”

You briskly walked back into the warmth of your house after that, feeling relieved that it wasn’t a grumpy old shag that was living next door. Even thinking about it seemed horrible. You took off your jacket and hung it on the wooden coat rack standing beside the main door, locking the door before going back upstairs.

Unpacking whatever you had in your luggage took everything off your mind soon enough. You had put your music on shuffle, playing it just loud enough for you to hear it. You didn’t want to blast it too loud — it definitely wasn’t a good idea to disturb your neighbors on your first day here. The house was pretty well-furnished, and you had cabinets and closets already built in. Once you unbuckled the X-shaped belt in your luggage, whatever clothes you had packed inside started toppling out, which means you had to refold everything, except for the jackets and coats that you were going to hang up. You sighed and began folding and stacking them up before moving them into your closet.

Lunch was a quick bite of cup noodles which you had brought along, and the moving truck arrived right after you were done with your meal. You left the empty cup (which was a quarter filled with water and seasoning) on a corner of the countertop, hurriedly washing your hands before rushing out of the house.

The driver from the moving truck hopped down from his seat, raising a hand as a greeting when he saw you before starting to pull your boxes of stuff out of the back of the vehicle.

You jogged over, hugging a box of unexpectedly heavy stuff that he passed to you. You muttered a quiet ��thanks’ before making your way back, kicking your main door open and lowering your stance before dropping the box on the ground beside the coat rack. It was only the first box and your hands already felt like they were burning. You had like, eleven boxes left. 

Giving yourself a mental note of encouragement, you headed back out to see the driver unloading the boxes and stacking them up on the sidewalk. You internally wanted to beg him to help you bring some to your doorstep, but you didn’t dare to. Therefore, you had to bring every of the remaining eleven, weighty, burdensome boxes into your house by yourself. You felt tired just thinking about it.

“Sorry I can’t help now,” the driver suddenly spoke apologetically just as you were about to walk back with the second box in your arms. “I’ve got another house to get to after yours.”

Oh.

You nodded in understanding before he climbed back onto his truck and drove off. Sighing in defeat, you stacked the box you were holding on top of another box, attempting to carry both at once to shorten the time needed to get the job done. The second box was blocking your line of sight entirely, so you relied on looking on the ground to find your way to your door.

The box on top suddenly wobbled slightly due to your shaking hands, and you panicked, causing it to waver even more.

“Shoot!” you exclaimed aloud as it lost its balance and fell off to the side.

However, it was caught by someone else who was apparently beside you right when the box fell.

“Woah there,” the man muttered, the box falling perfectly into his arms. You felt yourself breathe again after he caught it. You looked up at him. The man was donning a pair of sweatpants with a dark blue checkered flannel over a white tee, and had hair of a light caramel color, the straps of a black backpack slung over both of his shoulders. His eyes weren’t extraordinarily large, but the brown orbs seemed so gentle that you wanted to stare at them forever.

“T-thanks,” you stammered, unsure of what to do.

“You’re the new neighbor?” he asked, and you nodded, slightly puzzled.

“Yeah,” you said, glancing over at your house. “I just moved in today. I mean, I’m moving in. Kinda. I’m trying to.” You let out a tired sigh as your eyes traveled to the pile of boxes.

Joshua chuckled lightly. “Nice to meet you. I’m Joshua, I live right next door.” He nodded towards the sophisticated white house you had visited earlier, and you blinked.

“You are?” you quipped. “I went over just now, and someone else opened the door… A man.”

Joshua nodded. “Must’ve been my dad. He doesn’t stay with me, but he comes over sometimes.”

Your lips formed an ‘o’. “I’m Y/N. Hi.”

Joshua stifled his laughter at your awkwardness. “Hi,” he responded. “You seem like you need help with the boxes.”

“Oh, right, the boxes,” you said, remembering your task as you looked at the scattered boxes on the sidewalk. “I mean, I don’t want to bother you, but…”

Joshua smiles, his eyes forming little crescents as he walked towards your house with the box he had in his arms without saying anything. You walked alongside him, entering your house first and placing the box down beside the first one.

“Just leave them here for now,” you told him, and Joshua nods, placing his box on top of another.

“Give me a sec,” he told you suddenly. “I’ll be back in a few.”

You were confused, but didn’t question him as he ran back to his house. You walked back out and picked up another box, and Joshua came running back out a few seconds later. You realized his backpack was gone now.

“That was fast,” you commented as Joshua carried 2 boxes at once. He merely smiled.

So it went on like that, the both of you going back and forth and bringing the boxes in. You two talked quite a bit for a first meeting, from telling each other your ages to discussing your hobbies. He was just a year older than you, you found out.

“That’s all of the boxes, right?” Joshua asked as he placed the last box down in your house, and you nodded.

“Yep,” you confirmed as you glanced outside one last time to make sure nothing was left on the sidewalk. You looked back at Joshua, smiling gratefully. “Thanks a lot. I would’ve taken forever if not for you.”

Joshua chuckled. “No problem,” he said, adding, “You probably would’ve broken some stuff too.”

You laughed, humming in acknowledgment. 

“Mhmm. You should go back before your dad starts questioning why you’re here for so long,” you said, and Joshua laughs.

“Sure,” he said, stepping out of your house. “I’ll see you around, right?”

The corners of your lips couldn’t help but turn up, your cheeks turning a light shade of pink which wasn’t very noticeable. “For sure.”

You brought up some of the boxes into your room, those that contained the stuff that belonged in your private space.

When you walked past your room window, the outside caught your eye. You realized that there was a window from the house next door facing yours, and it was so close it seemed like you could just jump over.

What was even more surprising was that in the room, on the wide bed that was situated in the center of it, was Joshua, still in the same clothes you saw him in, his legs crossed on the bed. A guitar was on his lap, one of his arm resting over it as the other hand pressed down on the strings. He started strumming lazily as if he wasn’t really sure of what he was playing, but the melody still made out something.

He suddenly stopped strumming before looking up, his eyes meeting yours. You felt your heart stop.

“S-sorry!” you shouted across although he would probably be able to hear you even if you spoke in your normal volume. You felt heat crawl up your neck. “I didn’t mean to stare.”

You were preparing yourself for him to be angry or show any signs of negative feelings, but none came. Instead, surprise washed over his features, before a smile appeared as he placed his guitar down on the soft mattress, walking over to the window.

“Y/N!” he exclaimed, obviously surprised. “That’s your room?”

“Kinda…?” you droned, looking around. “There are 3 rooms in this house and I’m the only one living here, so…”

“Oh,” he muttered in realization. “Cool! We can talk like this.”

You laughed. It definitely was cool.

Like a Romeo and Juliet thing.

Your friendship with Joshua blossomed a lot over the next few months, and you honestly owed your thanks to the fact that you two were literally living side-by-side. One push of the windows and you two could talk about anything and everything like there was no tomorrow. You two could chatter about the smallest of matters to having deep conversations late into the night, when you would sit down on the elevated marble platform that was built right at your window, your back leaning onto the wall and your legs stretched out. You’d open the windows entirely regardless of the fact that you were at the risk of just falling over, but you knew it wouldn’t happen as long as you didn’t fool around. Joshua would pull a chair over to his window, elbow propped on the silver frame, his chin rested on his fist as he listened to you speak. 

You never noticed it yourself but Joshua looks at you like you placed the sun, moon and all the stars in the sky.

Paper airplane conversations became a thing, too. You were the one who started it, actually, and you didn’t really expect him to play along. Your desk was right beside the window, so in the middle of doing some stuff, you grabbed some used papers that you didn’t need, writing a short ‘yo’ on it with a fat, black marker before folding the said paper into an airplane. You then threw it towards Joshua’s window, the airplane easily gliding gracefully through the air and into his room.

He was so confused at first at the arrival of the inanimate object, but he saw you at your window, smiling cheekily. He laughed softly, shaking his head and picking up the airplane. You gestured for him to unfold it and he did, before chuckling to himself again. Joshua took a sheet of paper from his desk, scribbling something on it and flying it over to you. You unfolded that and it read ‘you’re such a child’.

“Excuse me?” you spoke, and Joshua laughed.

“You’re excused,” he joked.

That led to the both of you constantly flying paper planes into each other’s room at random times of the day, whether the other party was in or not. There was once when Joshua wasn’t home, you folded tons and tons of paper planes, flying them all into his room and covering his entire bed and floor. You couldn’t see Joshua’s expression when he entered the room due to the limited view of his room that you could see from yours, but you could visualize how surprised he was from his exclamation of “oh God, oh wow!”. You nearly fainted laughing at the mix of shock, surprise, and mock anger in Joshua’s expression when he saw you at your window, giggling to yourself.

He got his revenge on you soon enough, though. He did the exact same, except that he revealed that he wrote something in one of them. You couldn’t stand the suspense, so you spent an hour unfolding every plane, and in the end, it was just a ‘hola muchacho’ that was written in one of them.

You literally marched to Joshua’s doorstep and tackled him to the ground.

But there was this really sweet side to him too, which sometimes made you question how someone could be this balanced in nature.

You would wake up every day to Joshua playing his brown, ordinary guitar at about 10am in the morning, its soft, acoustic tunes lulling you awake, and sometimes even helping you to fall asleep at night when you can’t. You’ve never slept so well before, you’d dare say. His mellow, soothing voice that rarely accompanied his guitar-playing was indisputably music to your ears. You loved how he stayed so lowkey about it. Once you woke up, sitting up on your bed with your messy, disheveled hair and half-open eyes, you’d, more often than not, hear Joshua chuckle at your unkempt appearance, then greet you with a gentle “Good morning, sleepyhead”.

But of course, there were times when you’d just drop back onto your bed and close your eyes, and that would be when Joshua would start strumming his guitar noisily, one of the only times when you’d say that the guitar playing sounded horrible.

“C’mon, wake up! We’re supposed to go out today!” you’d hear him say, resulting in a tired groan for you because you’re just that lazy.

“Can we postpone it?” you asked hoarsely, your morning voice still apparent.

“Nope.”

“Hmm.” You were already drifting back to dreamland.

When Joshua becomes helpless, he’d make the effort to go downstairs, walk over to your house, unlock your door since he has the spare key, come upstairs into your room, and then sit by your bed, annoying you in the most gentle way possible (it doesn’t even seem possible but Joshua does it) until you get up.

But there was this once when you overslept into the afternoon. You got confused when you woke up and the clock on your desk showed 12:13pm, and after coming to your senses you stood up, going to your window and looking over at Joshua’s. To your surprise, his windows were closed and his curtains were drawn.

“Hey, Joshua!” you whisper-shouted, sleep still lining your voice. No replies.

You started getting worried. His window hadn’t been open since yesterday night, and you had merely thought that he was staying out with his friends till late, but he wasn’t one to sleep in until the afternoon.

The uneasy feeling in you was eating you up. You quickly washed up and changed out of your pajamas, before going downstairs and hurriedly walking over to his house. You noticed newspapers from the past 2 days peeking out from his mailbox and grabbed those. After getting no response from knocking on his door a couple of times, you unlocked it with the key you had, before placing the newspapers on his countertop and rushing upstairs, your heart beating slightly faster than it should.

You pushed down the handle of his room door, carefully pushing the door open. His room was dim, almost dark, minimal sunlight peeking in through the tiny gaps of the maroon-colored curtains. Joshua was lying on the bed, on his side, his blankets pulled up to his waist. You couldn’t help but stare. His features were much softer when he was asleep, the lines that usually creased the corner of his eyes and eyebrows replaced by a youthful, dove-like appearance. His chest slowly rose and fell in sync with his shallow breaths, serenity plastering itself across his face.

You closed the door behind you and soundlessly walked over to him, gently placing your palm on his forehead. Nope, he wasn’t having a fever. Your eyes caught sight of a few prescribed pills on his nightstand, and you realized that he was having a cold.

Joshua suddenly stirred in his sleep, his eyes fluttering open. There was blankness in his eyes for a moment as he slowly took in his surroundings and the fact that you were in his room. He hummed softly, his voice sounding scratchy, and he slowly sits up.

“Y/N?” he slurred. His hair was standing up in all directions, making you chuckle and attempt to flatten them. “Why’re you here?”

“Because you have some explaining to do,” you said in mock annoyance, sitting down on the edge of his bed. “Why didn’t you tell me you were sick?”

Joshua smiled, although he still didn’t seem fully awake. “It’s just a cold.”

He had zero idea that you had overslept because he didn’t play his guitar. 

“That’s still being sick.”

Joshua hummed again, nodding in resignation. “Yes, yes, you grandma.”

You brazenly cupped Joshua’s face with your hands, scrutinizing him. “You look dreadful.”

“Do I?” he murmured, looking around for a mirror.

“Yeah, but it doesn’t matter because you’re too good looking when you aren’t sick,” you pointed out, snickering.

Joshua chuckled, his eyes forming the mini crescents that you loved. “Why, thank you.”

You chuckled too.

“Have you taken your meds?” you asked, and Joshua nods, a little unsurely.

“Yeah, just. I think.”

“Good. Now go back to sleep,” you said, your hands intuitively and gently pressing down Joshua’s messy hair. “This is the only time I won’t be disturbing you,” you told him impudently.

Joshua smiled, lying back down, but his hand was holding onto your wrist. “Are you going back?”

You shrugged. “I’ll probably keep you awake if I stay,” you said, chuckling. “You know how noisy I can be.”

Joshua shook his head. “That’s fine. You keep me awake all the time anyway.”

You laughed. “What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means I think about you a lot.”

Your eyes widened in surprise at the unanticipated answer that you received as you looked away from him, heat blossoming in your cheeks. “I think your medicine has some weird side-effects.”

Joshua chuckled. “No, it doesn’t. I’m telling you the truth.”

You were so embarrassed you wanted to bury your face in something, anything.

“I like you, Y/N. I really do. I’ve liked you ever since you started flying your little airplanes into my room. I love your laughter, how your head kinda hangs back when you laugh really hard. You’re just so…” Joshua trailed off, and his gaze softened, his eyes practically twinkling, his thumb rubbing small circles into your skin. “So beautiful.”

You tried to bite in the wide smile that was forming on your lips, burying your face in your hands, your back facing him. “Joshua, you know I can’t handle these kinds of things,” you mumbled. His laughter rings in your ears. 

Your heart was palpitating so fast against your chest, you could literally feel the thumps on your ribcage. You liked him too, you liked him so much you would space out and think about him at random times, and then start smiling to yourself. You loved how he was so playful but so kind at heart. Even your mother liked his personality --- she herself had been trying to push you to him everytime she comes over.

“That’s fine. I’ll make it easier,” he said. “Do you like me back? You just have to say yes or no.”

“You ass,” you said, your cheeks sore from smiling. “I can’t not like you even if I wanted to.”

Joshua beamed in content, before pulling you lightly towards him. You ended up lying right beside him, his face intimately close to yours. Even being this near to him, you couldn’t seem to find any flaw in his features. His eyes practically held the galaxy in them, his lips pinkish and slightly chapped, his skin having the tiniest of bumps on the corners of his nose. Even that seemed cute. Joshua chuckles softly after noticing how your eyes weren’t looking at his.

“You’re adorable.”

He lightly presses his lips to yours, the lips you’ve been dreaming about. It was as soft as you have expected it to be. A rosy hue played on both of your cheeks after he pulled away.

“You’re sick, Joshua,” your reminded — but not that you really cared about that anyway.

“Oh. Right. My bad,” he muttered, his thumb caressing your lips gently. “I think I’m better already anyway.”

The both of you started going over to each other’s houses more often than you should, so much so that it was almost possible to just sell the house you had and live with Joshua.

Joshua started cooking quite a lot for you, even though he wasn’t the best chef. You always laughed to yourself when you saw him in the kitchen with an apron, commenting on how motherly he looked. He would proceed to strike a few poses sometimes, and when you whip your phone out of your pocket, he’d immediately return to the stove and act aloof. He mentioned about spotting the empty cup of noodles the first time he came into your house (aka when he helped you with the boxes), and nagged about how unhealthy it was for your body. He was so caring; he’d always check on you over the smallest matters, like if you got to work safely when he can’t send you himself, and even making sure you don’t give in to your cravings and feed yourself ice-cold drinks when you’re on your period because he knew you’d have horrible cramps if you do.

“Just a sip, Joshua!” you argued, reaching for the can of cola as he tiptoed, raising it up and away from you, shaking his head persistently. 

“You’re gonna be rolling in bed and sobbing at night, so no,” Joshua said, putting the can to his mouth and drinking it himself. You pouted, and he couldn’t help but titter, abruptly placing his lips on top of yours for a moment. You could taste the negligible amount of the drink from his lips, the slight fizziness bubbling on your tongue.

“There,” he teased after pulling away. “That’s a sip for you.” 

You tried cooking breakfast for him once too, and he actually woke up because of the smell that wafted through the air in the house. You didn’t even hear him coming downstairs, so you nearly jumped out of your skin when you felt his hands snake around your waist, his chin resting on your shoulder as you felt his breath on your neck.

“You’re not supposed to be up so early!” you exclaimed, and he chuckled.

“Sorry,” he apologized, placing a quick peck on your cheek before peeling himself away from you.

“Try not to burn anything, babe,” he joked.

“It’s just eggs, Shua,” you told him pointedly, pretending to be offended. He laughed.

“I know. But thanks. Love you.”

You snickered. “Well that was random, but love you too.”

✄— more fics

[sae-you-sae-me]

Ok so I wanna start off with you guys are amazing and don't stop no matter what! Um but I would like to request mushy headcanons for when the RFA + V + Saeran are in the process of planning their weddings with MC. Thanks so much!

Thank you so much! And thanks for this request:)  Hope you like it~ 

Zen:

He was just really excited that it was happening at all

But it was slightly overwhelming when he saw that binder of stuff to do

Unfortunately, besides finding vendors and caterers, he wasn’t that involved in the first few months

But he got a tiny bit more involved when it came to choosing colors

Unfortunately, he wasn’t that great at choosing colors

Either the colors looked the same or he ended up picking weird matches

He preferred your choice anyway,

So he was kinda bummed that he was once again only slightly involved

This was soon mended when it came to invitations

Turned out his handwriting was really nice thanks to all those fansigns

He was excited to write out all the invitations by hand…at least until he had fifty done and fifty left to go

He got more sentimental as the months drew closer, simply because the wedding day was getting closer too and he was excited to marry you

Yoosung:

He’s completely lost at first

You’re telling him all these things that need to be done within a year, and he’s already getting overwhelmed

So he kind of tries to escape the problem, leaving a lot of decisions to you

You finally manage to get him more involved in the hands-on stuff rather than the paper planning

He can see and feel things, and somehow that makes the reality of the wedding more prominent in his eyes

His favorite part was planning the catering, because of the taste testing

When it came to cakes, he kept wanting to feed you

You two were planning on doing that during your wedding

And he was terrified that he would end up smushing it against your nose if he didn’t practice

You thought it was so cute…you really couldn’t wait to marry this man

Jaehee:

It was really easy because she was so on top of everything

You didn’t really have to do much but actually make the decisions on colors and food and styles

She had everything else organized and ready to go

Turns out being Jumin’s assistant for years was really helpful in planning a wedding

But, you still wanted to hide your dress from her

You wanted it to be a surprise from absolutely everybody

She wasn’t too happy about this, and it became a kind of joke between you two

She kept trying to find it or get a peek

One time she actually thought she succeeded when she found a dress hidden in your closet

It was literally the ugliest thing on the planet

You came in a second later laughing

You planted it there as a joke, knowing she was snooping around

But seeing you in your real dress on your wedding day was worth the wait

Jumin:

He was both helpful and infuriating

He was super involved in things like color choices, themes, favors, etc.

But he was also intent on hiring some planners to take care of the smaller things

At first, you were really upset because you were hoping you two would plan everything yourselves

But then he told you he wanted the wedding to be as stress free as possible for you

You decide to give the planners a shot, and it turned out that they came in handy the closer the wedding date came

Somewhere in the midst of a late evening, he made a joking comment that he was going to make Elizabeth the ring bearer

You took him seriously for a second and panicked

But he was only amused and kept teasing you that he was going to do it

He insisted he was the one who took care of the wedding rings though

You didn’t find out why until the wedding day and found a small engraving with both of your initials on the inside

You fell in love with him all over again on the altar

Seven:

You weren’t worried about his enthusiasm to help

But you were little worried about his tendency when it came to decorating decisions

You were fully prepared to carry on most of the planning when it came down to it

But then he surprised when he comes to you with this little booklet

It’s full of different color swatches he picked up

He even matched the ones he thought would go together—and they’re themed

He has a starry, space theme, but also other lighter themes he thought you might like

Of course, you two ended up with a starry theme for the wedding

He ordered samples of everything, from the table cloths, favors, drapes

And he insisted on keeping them at his house so you two could see

So for the whole year you two were planning, the bunker was transformed into a galaxy blue mess

You two did most of the planning yourselves, and you were exhausted by the time the day came

But the finished product was amazing, and you two finally had your own version of a space station wedding

Saeran:

He never thought he’d get to the point where he would actually want to marry someone

When he saw the checklist and the binder for planning, he was lowkey panicking

He didn’t want to tell you though, and tried to go on as normal

You kind of noticed though

So you took care of the smaller details while you included him in the big decisions

Still, the anxiety is pent up inside of him

And he finally breaks right before the ceremony

He’s freaking out and he really wants to see you

Your bridesmaids are trying to stop him, saying he can’t see you in your dress

But neither one of you care about that, so you rush out and take him away to a secluded area

It’s near the reception hall, and as he’s calming down he can see all the planning you two did together come to fruition

For some reason, that was what calmed him down the most and solidified the thought that he really did want to marry you

V:

He was compliant on everything

Which was infuriating

It was always him saying, “Whatever you want” or “Yeah, if you like it go ahead.”

It took awhile to get him to state his opinion

You two ended up settling on a simple and classy style

His polaroids of you two together were sprinkled throughout the decorations

And you two made a lot of the decorations together

One of your favorite things about planning was the bride and groom wear

You two had those matching slippers that you wore even after the wedding

Check out our other headcanons~ Masterlist

[deliciousengineerangel]

Our first fuck

You came by Wednesday afternoon. It was snowing. I picked you up at the station, you had brought some beers. Nice! I had some Vodka and beers – rather too much than not enough though. It was a simple date – chilling, drinking, music, shows – nothing was really planned. I had promised to give you a massage, to get you to come to the suburbs. I wanted to see you but didn’t want to go all the way back and forth to the city center. Didn’t end up giving you the massage – still owe you that one. Cash it in anytime, I’ll even throw in a “happy ending” if you want. Beware though. I’m generous, because I think that the more, I give, the more I’ll receive in the long run. I love pleasuring, because I believe that the quality of any given moment is a product of the enjoyment of every individual – and that we are all one, you’re a different version of me.

Same same, but different.

We got back to my room and sat down on the bed. It was kinda weird having a chick over, when I have such a small room with almost no furniture – after being used to having a really cool apartment. Sitting on the bed and talking was pretty chill though, at least for me. I put on some music – my “new tracks playlist”. I’m not sure about your taste in music, you say you like everything – but what do you prefer? Anyway, you seemed to enjoy the tracks, which makes me happy. I’m really arrogant. I have great taste in music, and very varied. A lot of the tracks are French pop/rap, and some trance, hardstyle and metal tracks. All the music I’ve listened to, has been discovered through others, either people or algorithms. I love discovering new music.

Sometimes you listen to a track, and think wow!!! Then you listen to that track a bunch of times. The more you listen, the more you enjoy. At some point, you’re know the track so well that you could play it in your head without even listening to it.

It’s weird playing music for other people, “DJ’ing”. I love my own music taste. If there’s anyone else, I get insecure about what to play. What does this person like? What tracks do I want to play? I don’t want to play my favorite tracks/artists, if I think the people I’m with won’t enjoy them.

You seem cool. You say you enjoy pretty much any genre. You’ve been to Wacken. You said you had a great time seeing Ensiferum live and had fun crowdsurfing. We listened to the Clayman album – Trust me, it’s rare to find chicks that like In flames. I have no idea why; the whole metal scene is like 75% guys.

I told you the story of my ABGT 250 experience, traveling to a festival in the states with only $36. I love that story, those memories. I’m a crazy person, doing crazy things. The only things holding me back are fear and anxiety. Which is probably a good thing. Funny thing is that anything I described in that story was true, and also less scary than kissing a chick. Traveling alone across the world without money available, investing my savings in the “most risky” assets, doing high doses of psychedelic drugs – doesn’t scare me that much. Of course, it makes me nervous, but kissing chicks terrifies me. I’m not sure why. You told me that everybody knew how big a crush you had on me years ago, and I must have been the only one that didn’t know. I’m not sure. The way I remember it, I did have a feeling that you liked me, but I also wasn’t sure, and I was way different back then.

I was raised in a very feminist household – with a strong focus on gender equality, which led to me believing that I had to look for women as “smart” as me. I’m really smart in some ways – also really stupid. Back then, I was looking for someone like me – instead of someone to compliment me. You often say how much you’d like to be able to get a university degree like your sister, but as I’ve said before – you’re doing really well in life. Having an andels-apartment in central Copenhagen, with no loan left to pay off – most people in the world would be really jealous. One of the things I admire/enjoy about you is the way you’re open to anything and seem to try to have a good time, regardless – you’re like “Yeah, I’ll give it a try! why not?”. I’ve been the same way recently, even though I used to be the complete opposite. Sometimes I’m in doubt whether you’re being fake nice to me – you seem too good to be true. Nobody accepts me as much.

Okay, back to the story.

 From the beginning, you’ve really been confusing me. At first, you were lesbian – or at least thought so. That was cool with me, I’ve never had a lesbian friend. Haven’t had many girlfriends in general. Then we started cuddling. You know how much I had missed cuddling and how much I love it. Suddenly we’re cuddling in a more intimate way than with anyone I’ve cuddled with – because I’d end up escalating way before having cuddled for as long and close as we did. You said you were lesbian though, and I enjoyed the cuddles. Suddenly we’re kissing and having oral sex. I’ve always loved oral, both giving and receiving. There’s less pressure than with penetration, for me at least. I don’t have to worry about not Cumming. It also felt really fucking nice to have my dick sucked after so long. More than 4 years since last time. Wtf.

 Actually, back to the story.

So, we were in my bed, talking, cuddling, kissing, listening to music. As usual, I have no idea what to do. I’m having a great time – you were giving me the craziest compliments. I really enjoyed having someone to chill with, cuddling and talking. It’s kinda weird that we’re talking so much better than back in the days. Also, I didn’t really know what we were going to do. We had oral last time, but were we going to go all the way?

Having intercourse sometimes makes me nervous. It feels so good, but also makes me cum really fast when I’m not used to it. As we were making out and I was rubbing your pussy through your pants, you started talking about anal, and how you would have to get eased into it. At first, I thought it was kinda weird you would mention anal at that point. Then I remembered our conversation – you already know a lot about me sexually. No worries though – I won’t be rushing anything. Anal is pretty great though, I’m sure you’ll enjoy it – when done the right way, with a lot of warm-up. Hahaha actually I’ve tried both giving and receiving now. Definitely want to try having you stick fingers or toys up my ass, while giving me a blowjob.

Guess I’m just going to be as honest as I can about everything. Even though it may seem perverted.

As we kept on making out, touching, and holding each other, I got more and more horny. My dick was diamond hard, and all I wanted was to shove it deep inside you. I was also waiting for you to escalate, as I’ve been the whole time. Of course, by then it was clear that you were bisexual, but I was still letting things happen at your pace.

You said that you really wanted to fuck. Normal.

At that point, I was really sure I’d cum within the first 10 seconds of sticking my dick in your pussy. Over a year of celibacy will do that do a guy. Didn’t take the speed into account though – I’ve never fucked on speed before. It’s made for some crazy masturbation marathons thought, so I’m not surprised.

I told you that I want to eat you out and make you cum before we fuck. Both because I love eating pussy, but also because I thought I was going to cum instantly and wanted you to have a good time as well. It’s weird to be eating pussy again – I’m out of practice, don’t know what you like the most. At the same time, it’s like riding a bike – you don’t really forget it. It’s weird how you react after an orgasm, pushing my head away. I asked you about it, and you said you just felt really ticklish – not that it was uncomfortable. That seems similar to how the tip of my penis feels after an orgasm. I think everyone is able to have multiple orgasms – and I said that I see it as a challenge. As long as you’re up for it of course.

I don’t know how you feel about sex, and if I have a weird relation to it. I love everything about it. Slow, fast, intimate, hard, the smells, the feels, the sounds, foreplay, cuddling afterwards, oral, anal, vaginal.

The only thing that makes me insecure, is performance anxiety. I always have high expectations for myself – I like to please as much as being pleased. It’s like a sport in some ways. Making my partner cum is like hitting a home run, a 3-pointer or scoring a goal – Not sure which analogy fits best, if any.

After you came, I got really nervous and excited. Over one year since last time I got laid. I lubed my dick up with some spit – great trick, always makes it easier. The moment I stuck it in, I remember thinking something like: Fuck yeah – this feels amazing! I’ve almost forgotten how pussy feels. So nice & warm. You were able to take it without any problems, which was really nice. With some women, I’ve had to be careful not to go too deep, because they said it hurt. I’m not sure exactly how big my dick is, only that I’m perfectly happy with it – wouldn’t want it any bigger, or smaller for that matter. I hope you like it as well. Seemed like you did.

As I said, I was surprised when I didn’t cum right away. Never fucked on speed before – it seems like a miracle. Not only does it make me hornier, but it also makes it easier to control my orgasms. And makes it easier to cum more than once.

I wonder how it affects you, sexually? I was happy that you were up for it. While I completely understand that you were scared after taking a bit too much the first time – it’s also more fun to be doing it together. You’ve tried being alone in paranoia-world now, you know how it is. There’s nothing to be afraid of, especially if we’re spending the night together. Always feel free to say that you’ve had enough – I’ll always offer but never pressure. Sex, drugs & alcohol are a pretty good combo though! The best combination..

To my surprise, I was able to keep fucking you. Telling you how nice your pussy feels. We started in the missionary position – a good place to start. After a while, I took your legs and put them over my shoulders. That kinda makes everything better, feels tighter. Felt so damn good to be balls deep in your pussy. You weren’t saying much, by seemed to be enjoying it. Don’t be afraid to say stuff during sex, even if it sounds silly to you, it probably sounds hot to me. Actually, it might be good not to be too loud in my room. Housemates can hear everything. Shortly after, I put one of your legs down – makes for a really good angle.

Suddenly I could feel myself getting closer to orgasm. Normally I would have slowed down, changed positions or something else to slow things down, but after so much kissing and foreplay – I really wanted to cum.

And so I did. I won’t even try to describe how nice it felt. You saw how I was lying on the bed afterwards.

That’s one of the best feelings in the world.

I’ve never written anything like this before. Hope you enjoyed reading it. I don’t expect anything in return. At the same time, I wouldn’t mind hearing your version of the story – in Danish of course.

[fangirs7323]

MOVING ON pt 1

Hello everyone, and welcome to Youtube Analysis! The show that is not as good as anything Matpat does and never will be!

So here’s like

pt. 1 of my thoughts

because I’m tired and don’t want to post it all at once

Virgil's outburst when Thomas says "... and dolls" (he swore??? I watched it over and over thinking "this is weird why is this weird" then I remembered that it's because Thomas is an innocent bean who says things like "nabbit" and stuff. Maybe this could be a way to signal that this is taking a darker turn? just a thought IDK) means that this has probably happened before, or something similar. (BTW I was so confused and still kind of am. What is Guys and Dolls??? I know it's a musical but other than that I know squat. Was thomas in a production in it? what does this have to do with an ex?) So how did they solve the dilemma then, if there was one? The whole "Patton and Roman are preoccupied" makes me think of the beginning of the debate video between Logan and Virgil, but this time, instead of Patton being a dad and helping Roman with his bruised ego, Roman might be spitting ideas at patton to try to make him feel better. Of course, as we can see, this has little to no effect. Then Patton pops up with "Hi, just frustrated! I'm sad! Wait-" This poor bby. Then Logan looks like he's all concerned and stuff but he's really just concerned about the cat onesie. Or (this is a stretch but just something I thought I'd bring to the table) maybe he was purposefully ignoring the fact that Patton had just outright stated that he was sad??? Maybe he didn't want that to hinder the discussion of helping Thomas?? I don't know. Or maybe he just got distracted. Plus, citing the Brain vs the Heart video, in which Logicality just chill in their onesies in the end card, Patton says that the onesie is comforting. He's in need of comfort. (btw sidenote here but the way Patton says "Like a cat!" will always be cute to me I don't care that he's using it to hide his sadness with it it's cute) (i mean I do care but still) Then Roman makes an entrance. He doesn't even greet the others, just hurriedly shares his idea. Then when Logan and Virgil are like "No we are not doing that," Roman immediately covers up by saying it was just a joke. He's defending himself, and in a way, patton, too. Patton trying to redirect the conversation by bringing up the cursed child. (also what did I miss?? was thomas in that too??) "Cherry on topple" and then Patton immediately apologizing. His joke game is getting weaker as he is. Also Roman's "I am? I am!" is oddly cute to me and I don't know why. +"What do I look like? A Boy Scout Scout Master?". Sassssss Oh my gosh I'm only 4 minutes in and we haven't even reached the actual angst yet and I'm already tired ugh After Virgil's 3rd putdown of Roman he just looks so desperate. He's trying so hard to cover up and it's honestly quite emotional. Thomas is a great actor. "But what if looking at the past makes him feel kinda iffy about the present?" That was exactly my thoughts. I mean, I've never been through anything like heartbreak so I wouldn't know, but I don't think that it'd be very helpful. I love how Logan says incredible when he's talking about Thomas being nostalgic for a time he felt nostalgic. It's like he's observing a wild animal. It's so funny. "Can they?" You expect that from Anxiety but not Morality, the character who, up until now, has always been the beam of light and sunshine (except for when they were in Anxiety's room). AND THE LITTLE FAKE SMILE IT'S SO CUTE OUT OF CONTEXT BUT HE'S COVERING UP HIS PAIN MY POOR LIL ANXIOUS BBY

At 6:57 Virgil looks like he's just eyes and a mouth sticking out of purple hair and it looks kinda funny to me.

Patton jumping when Thomas says his name looks like a way of connecting him to Anxiety. Don't really know what else to say about that. Pretty straightforward. He's being connected to the "embodiment of a dark and gloomy night", who represents Thomas' anxiety (duh) and fear. 'Nuff said.

Also, Patton brings up a valid point. He is ALL of Thomas' emotions, basically. Not just the happy ones. I hadn't really thought about this before. Patton making constant jokes to cover up his pain? More like please go back to the change video so that patton can get a hug.

Logan's dismissal of Patton is so sad, but at the same time, I can kind of see why he did it. Sometimes I'll be explaining a plan or something and someone else will have an opinion and I'll dismiss it. Logan and I are similar in the sense that we both have issues with pride. Also, he sees Patton as sort of a wealth of silliness. He's so focused on his goal he doesn't take Patton into consideration. I’ve kind of done that before.

Then, look at Virgil. I can't believe I haven't seen anyone talk about that second of "Logan maybe you should pump the brakes a bit because this isn't a good idea." He's concerned for Patton. "Please Romano. Thomas, are you sure this is a good idea?" He's doubting it. He values Patton's wishes. The extreme emotion switch in Patton signals something. I just don’t really know what.

I’ve seen some headcanons about Patton trying to protect everyone from his room. Well I have something to add. His excitement and relief when they entered and it was all happy and sunshiney meant that he didn’t actually know if it would work.

Also I saw some headcanons about maybe it’s not actually Patton’s room and stuff but yeah. I dunno, there are much better theories than mine, but here I guess. Pt. 1 is done

[stephhannes]

dressed to anti-depress

in the last two years, i’ve spent a lot of time asking myself questions like “will getting a smoothie today cure my depression?” and “will cutting my hair cure my depression?” and the answer to both of those questions is no. but you know what will kinda cure depression? getting on anti-depressants. 

earlier this year, my mental health was…concerningly bad, and quickly getting worse. i’ve recently gotten pretty good at managing my depression on my own by setting strict boundaries for myself and sticking to them (no screens allowed in my bedroom, exercising every day, no drinking alone etc) but out of nowhere, my anxiety began spiraling out of control. (my doctor suggested it’s due to ‘perhaps, ptsd’). 

but basically, by the time february rolled around i was having a really tough time. i couldn’t enjoy being around anyone because all i could think about was the inevitability of their death. i’d get lunch with a friend and spend the entire time panicking because what if this was the last time i ever got to get lunch with them? i saw my cats and i immediately started sobbing because my first thought was “oh my god they’re going to die one day.” i had a tough time showering because i was convinced that i would slip in the shower and crack my skull and no one would ever know because i live alone. no matter what i was doing, i would find some way to imagine some sort of catastrophe occurring. i noticed that i was starting to develop compulsions- i would obsessively check my rear-view mirror when i was driving, i wouldn’t leave the house without pacing for awhile before i left. i was having a hard time completing tasks which then made my anxiety even worse. every upsetting thought i had felt enormous and scary and would send me spiraling. i couldn’t focus, my memory was getting really terrible. 

and it was exhausting. 

i’ve been putting off trying medication for years. when i was growing up, i remember this weird stigma about anti-depressants. the discourse surrounding them was always like “nah man, they make you a shell of a person. totally numb no emotions or personality anymore.” my parents just like…didn’t believe in mental health so i suffered endlessly in middle and high school because no one would take me to therapy or acknowledge that like hey, maybe my kid isn’t lazy, she’s just clinically depressed. when i was in college, i finally went to therapy for a little bit because it was free through the university. and that helped some, but i still wasn’t completely cured. 

when i moved to new york, surprise, i was still depressed. one of my friends was constantly in my ear saying “hey buddy, you might really benefit from anti-depressants” and i finally realized “actually, i think you have a point, it’s probably worth a try” but every time i’d bring it up with nathan he was super opposed to it and would always just suggest i do something like “get out of bed before 4pm,” or “eat better.” 

by the time we moved to philly i was hitting a breaking point. my anxiety was so bad that nathan hated being in the same room as me when i was freaking out because my vibes were just so wack. the problem was that i had no money, and no health insurance which really left me in a position where the only way i could get help was with nathan’s help- i brought it up kind of casually one day like “hey i really think i might benefit from therapy or medication” and he was like “actually, i think you’d benefit from getting a hobby” 

and then a couple of days later i had a total nervous breakdown and i begged him to help me. i’ll never forget sobbing and saying “i don’t know if i need medication or therapy or both but all i can think about any more is killing myself and i can’t just hobby it away.” and he was finally like “ok, we’ll look into it this weekend” and the next day i woke up with such a sense of relief because i was finally going to get help and i actually had a super productive day. i got some work done, i got a library card and checked out some books. i ran errands, i cooked dinner, i read an entire book. i was actually present in my relationship. i was excited to get my life and myself back. 

and then nathan literally died that night so y’know all of those plans were thwarted. 

and then i spent two years in a fugue state and then i kinda got my shit together and then a pandemic happened and blah blah blah whatever. 

and then we’re back at february 2021. 

after realizing that i had become such an anxious wreck i finally started looking into options. and there she was, an app that allowed me to literally just text a doctor and be like “hey doc im feeling sad :(“ and they’d be like “oh cool, here’s a prescription for zoloft lmk how ur doing in a month xoxo” and for the low cost of 30 dollars a month i have serotonin for the first time in 13 years. 

++

over the last couple of days i’ve been asked the question “what are you thinking about right now?” a few times and my answer is always the same- literally nothing. zoloft has my head so empty and it’s incredible. like, for once i’m not in my own head questioning every god damn thing i do. 

the other day, one of my friends was like “it’s actually enjoyable to hang out with you now” which sounds rude, but makes a lot of sense tbh- sometimes i’m literally just not fun to be around. now i’m fun most of the time- except for the window of time where i realize “oh god i haven’t taken my zoloft yet today” and i start having withdrawal symptoms. but otherwise, i’m great! 

it’s interesting feeling a sense of happiness that isn’t just a manic episode. like sometimes, i’m driving to work and i smile thinking about something one of my friends said earlier in the day. a big 180 from a few months ago when i couldn’t drive without my little beady eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. when i’m left alone with my thoughts for more than 10 minutes, they’re usually pretty decent thoughts, instead of the usual “everyone hates me and i am going to die alone."

i’ve also become a total boss babe- now that i’m not overthinking everything i’m actually able to do my job without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. i’ve always been capable and good at what i do, but for the first time i actually feel confident in my abilities. 

++

with a combination of taurus season being very generous to me and a year of Pandemic Realizations i feel like i’m actually a cool, functional human again (for the first time, even?). i’ve spent a lot of time filtering myself, toning down aspects of my personality to appeal to whoever i’m around, turning up parts of my personality to get attention, etc- and now i’m just out here like “ok so anyway this is me- you get what you get, you don’t throw a fit” 

surprisingly, people have been pretty receptive to that, it’s almost like i am a good person that is worthy of love and kindness or something. 

++

i still haven’t gone to therapy, but i’ve been able to work through a lot of trauma on my own over the last couple of months. i’m finally at a point where i can acknowledge the things i’ve been repressing for a few years without feeling like everything is about to collapse. in time, i hope i’m able to get to a point where i can actually verbalize the feelings i’ve been having, and the things i’ve been (kylie jenner voice) realizing- but i’m not there quite yet. it’s been a weird experience not spiraling every time i feel a human emotion. now i’m able to acknowledge things and be like “ok is there anything i can do to resolve this right now? no? ok then i don’t need to fixate on it” and i can push it away until i need to acknowledge it again. i used to be paralyzed by any sort of inconvenience. 

though, i will say, i’ve started doing this thing where i’ll be like “y’all mind if i share a genuine human emotion?” and then i’ll say something that i never would have dreamt of saying a year ago- generally something that insinuates that sometimes i do experience the human feeling of vulnerability. 

++

every once and awhile i do still get hit with the wave of “why couldn’t i have been this functional when i was with nathan?” guilt. i think that ties into a lot of the grief i feel over all of the years i lost due to my depression- and even more specifically the months i lost due to my depression when i first moved to new york, and again when we moved to philly. when i first moved to new york, i didn’t really leave the apartment for 3 months. i slept most of the time. there were days long stretches where i was just completely emotionally unavailable. and much like in my adolescence when my parents refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help, sometimes i feel angry that nathan also refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help. 

i spent a lot of time really agonizing over the fact that eventually i would be stable, and would eventually be a better partner to someone else than i was to nathan, and i think there’s still a part of that that exists in me- but i’ve found a little more peace with the concept. i’m thankful that nathan had the patience to deal with me when i was losing every last marble rattling around in my brain- but there’s always a part of me that’s like “damn, i wonder what our relationship would have been like if i’d been a little less unstable” 

++

you can really tell that my mental health has improved just by the trajectory that my close friends instagram story has taken. it used to just be me drunk and crying every night at 4am and now it’s thirst traps and girl boss selfies. 

there are still character flaws that are so deeply ingrained in me that i’m constantly having to be aware of and combat, but it’s a lot easier to do that when i don’t exist on pure anxious energy. everything i do is still very much informed by the deep-seated fear of rejection i have, but i’ve been trying very hard to start to break that down. it’s like an irrational fear. like ‘afraid to tell my friend i love them when i’m hanging up the phone because what if they actually just hate me?’ level. now my friends will literally call me back if i don’t say i love you before hanging up and be like “hey bitch i said i love you say it back” and now it’s becoming a little less terrifying. 

my inability of showing vulnerability definitely stems from that fear of rejection. look, it’s scary to be like “hello this is a tough thought i’ve been having lately do you mind unpacking it with me?” i know that if i were to say that literally anyone in my circle would be like “yea let’s do it” but just the concept that the option of them being like “nah that’s a lot” keeps me from saying anything. there have been a couple times in the last few months where i’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to acknowledge and unpack some of those hard truths though, so congrats to me or whatever. i’ve even been hugging my friends more often (which is saying a lot coming from a woman that has never hugged her best friend, still to this day). 

++

anyway, as soon as i start going to therapy it’s going to be over for these hoes because i’m gonna be hot and sane and probably unstoppable.