#kinda heartbreaking too that it was like a friend that said this haha

[i-may-be-an-emu]

“Did you see the two MEN who are winning at women’s boxing ugh 🙄”

most people say hello but ok

[wooahaes]

feel me

pairing: non-idol!han x gn!reader, some non-idol!felix x gn!reader

genre: angst with a happy ending. slight fluff.

word count: ~21k

warnings: angst with a happy ending. mutual pining that’s fully believed to only be one-sided by both parties. temporary relationship with felix. heartbreak. no communication at one part after jisung ghosts reader for almost three weeks. big brother-figure chris having serious talks with reader. fluff in certain parts, though. food mentions. hyunjin is kinda ready to throw down at one point tbh.

daisy’s notes: title origin from the golden child song bc the lyrics kinda fit haha <3 anyway rewrite of this old thing!! also sorry felix but if u get the sequel fic i'm thinkin of... u will be happy <3

Most people looked at the friendship you had with Chris and assumed that he was your best friend. The two of you had grown up down the road from one another, after all, and that had been why you ended up befriending one another. His family all knew you by name and knew all of your favorites (because Chris had learned them first and made sure everyone knew them), and they all watched you follow Chris around like a duckling when you were small. Pictures of the two of you littered the walls of both your childhood home and his, all from vacations your families had taken together. Plus your parents always made enough food for Chris on any given day, since he always found his way over for dinner at the most random times. If anything, Chris was family to you now, the big brother you never had (and, occasionally when he was being a little overly affectionate, he was your big bother). Before college, Chris Bang was one-hundred-percent your best friend…

Until you met Han Jisung on the first day of freshman orientation.

Sure, the reason you came to this school was partially because you knew you’d have a friend in the area (you liked the literature program a lot more), but things changed the day you met Jisung. The two of you had been a little wary of the other people in your group, all bragging about how they wouldn’t let anyone stop them from the party life they were craving. On one hand, you kind of admired the tenacity that took… but on the other, they were the rowdy bunch out of all the groups that were around. Even though you weren’t much of a party person, your annoyance at the time firmly came from the fact you were sinking so much money into this school—even without the financial aid and scholarships you’d managed to get. Partying was fun, but denying everything in favor of it? You couldn’t wrap your head around it.

And, apparently, neither could Jisung. He’d been separated from his friends, all in the same orientation group without him, and looked a little lost. You quietly moved your chair over to him after you grew annoyed with two people hardcore flirting with one another and ignoring the poor orientation leader who was just trying to tell you all about the general education program. He’d looked up at you, and you introduced yourself to him quietly—trying not to catch the attention of your orientation leader. She was too busy waiting for the novelty of it all to die down for a minute so she could do her job, so… Why not take the chance to introduce yourself to him?

He’d gazed at you for a moment behind his glasses, pushing them up the bridge of his nose a moment later. “Han,” he’d said in a quiet voice. Then he cleared his throat, speaking a little louder, “I’m Han Jisung. Music management and music composition major.”

Already, you were impressed by him. Chris was in the music program himself, and you’d heard about how rigorous it could be at times—especially with the heavy course load that came from both programs. Chris had gone into it because he was… Well, he was Chris. Chris who was on the swim team and in the theater and the band and somehow found time to do community service, too. Jisung was a stranger to you in all the best ways, someone who already intrigued you. When you told him your own major, he had nodded along, no push to question your future career.

“Is that what you like?” He’d asked instead. “Books?”

It was one part of what you liked, at least. You nodded. “Do you love music?”

He’d smiled at you, and it was as if he’d become a different person for a moment. “It’s my passion,” he’d said, voice clear and bolder than before.

That had been what the two of you ended up talking about until your orientation leader managed to get control of the group again. She’d finally been given the go-ahead to give you a tour of campus, and you noticed that Jisung had decided to stick with you near the back of the group. He never said anything then, the two of you opting to listen to your leader instead, but you saw the tiny smile on his face when you were walking through the music floor of the arts building. Once you were released from your schedule for the day, he’d kept glancing at you, as if unsure of what he was about to do. Then he finally stepped up, holding up his phone.

“My friends and I are getting coffee off campus,” he said. “Do you want to come?”

That had been the moment that solidified the two of you as friends. You had happily agreed, exchanging numbers on the way as he told you about his friends. There was Felix, who he said was a sweetheart. Everyone loved Felix, and you’d eventually realize in time just how true that was. Hyunjin could be charismatic, although sometimes he could be a little sharp-tongued with people. Apparently, he and Jisung once hated each other before getting over their school rivalry—you’d never understand it, but everyone swore by it. And then there was Seungmin, who was witty and funny in all the best ways. The group seemed to accept you into their circle pretty quickly, and you honestly contributed that to Jisung…

Who you very quickly learned was incredibly funny in his own right. With the orientation group and with you alone, he’d been quieter. Polite and sweet as he could be. Yet you saw the way he loosened up over time when with his friends, genuinely funny and a bit louder with them. Maybe that was why you would end up clicking with him so well: he was versatile, conscious of the mood and finding a way to fit it well. You saw the way he seemed to naturally return to a quieter state when on his own, and you were happy to match that energy any day. 

When you returned to your dorm that day, Chris had been waiting for you. He’d watched you part ways with your new friends and decided to celebrate by squeezing the life out of you.

“You’re making friends!” He giggled, and it suddenly reminded you of the loving way your step-mom always treated you. He swayed with you, never letting you go. “You’re growing up!” 

This was definitely something he was reporting to your parents. Not that you cared: his family asked for you to look out for him, too, and you fully intended to follow through on the request. He’d already been giddy when you showed him your acceptance letter and announced you’d picked the school (he’d nearly squeezed the life out of you that day, too), gushing about how he’d have to introduce you to Minho and Changbin. That was why he’d been waiting for you that day, actually: the four of you were getting dinner together, Chris’s treat. The two of you had decided to call off any embarrassing stories (both of you had plenty of ammunition, the same way that both of his siblings had even more on you both), and you’d spent that dinner realizing just how much love you had for Chris.

That was why you had agreed to live with him come sophomore year. Regardless of whether he was being a brother figure or a bother figure, you’d agreed quickly when he gave you his clearly premeditated offer of taking the open room in his apartment. His old roommate had just moved out, and Chris apparently told him he “already had someone interested” when he brought the topic up to begin with. So he helped you carry your boxes into the apartment and the two of you enjoyed your takeout that night, giddy to be close once again. He’d invited Minho and Changbin over that night, too, to toast to your first day of living with Chris. It was at that point that you decided to introduce Jisung to them, inviting him over, too. 

Things came together from there. Minho recognized Jisung from a photo that Felix had shown him while he (and Hyunjin) were sitting around before dance practice started. Seungmin ended up getting pulled into the group through association with the rest of you, and it was you and Seungmin who pulled Jeongin into this circle. He’d been in your general education classes, and he seemed to get along pretty well with Seungmin. Seungmin introduced you to Jeongin, and you introduced Jeongin to the group, and everyone seemed to fit together in this sweet way. Even with all of you having friends of your own, you always seemed to come back to one another when times were rough.

By some stroke of luck, Hyunjin and Seungmin ended up moving in a few doors down from you and Chris. Despite Seungmin’s very vocal complaints (always made with love… you were pretty sure, at least), both of them seemed glad to have familiar faces nearby. The two always seemed to drop in when Chris was making dinner, always telling some story about their own lives. You realized that your stories almost always had Jisung and Felix in them after Seungmin pointed it out to you one night.

When did you start spending so much time with Felix? Jisung was naturally there because he was your best friend (officially now: the two of you had matching beaded bracelets you’d made for one another just to rub it in). But Felix…

Chris had picked up on how quiet you’d grown that night. But he waited to bring the topic up until one Saturday when the two of you were alone. He’d passed you the bowl of popcorn he’d made once before throwing himself onto the other end of the couch. “So. You and Felix...” 

You rolled your eyes. Your love life had always been pretty off-limits as a topic to anyone but Chris, and he was fully going to take advantage of that, wasn’t he? He’d given you a few much-needed days to figure out how you felt, and they were… Well, far from platonic. Felix was sweet as he could be, and you’d become so, so endeared to him when he started showing up to your apartment with baked goods. Everyone loved Felix, and you weren’t sure when your love for Felix became more than what it was before. Long before senior year, that was certain: every time you tried to pinpoint a beginning, you found yourself moving it further and further back to something else he’d done.

“I’m just curious!” Chris chuckled. “You always deny feeling anything for Jisung—I should have known it was Felix the entire time!”

Despite having the urge to, you didn’t roll your eyes that time. Your feelings for Jisung weren’t important. Not when he was your best friend, and having them would jeopardize that. Han Jisung did not love you the way you’d begun to love him, and you were more than happy to ignore that crush. It’d go away eventually once you stopped fantasizing about what a relationship with him would look like. And if it didn’t… Well, you’d figure that out when you came to it.

“You should go for it,” Chris said, shifting so he was slightly closer to you. “Felix is a good kid! He’s nothing like the last guy you dated—”

Oh, not this shit again. There was a reason you hadn’t dated in a while, and Chris was too aware of it. He’d been ready to get into a fist fight and call your friends as back-up. “Christopher—”

He ignored the use of your birth name, “I mean it. That guy was gross, and you deserve better than someone who thinks you should move in with them after a few weeks because living with a guy you aren’t dating is ‘weird.’” 

That had only been part of the reason you dumped the guy. You’d never told Chris any other parts because you knew what he’d say. Your ex hated Jisung because of how close the two of you were, and you weren’t going to date some insecure loser who thought he could control who you hung out with. He’d always been “fine” with the rest of your friends (begrudgingly so), but he’d targeted Jisung for some reason. Jisung was always too close to you, or he was too soft when around other people, or he was “obviously” in love with you and you were too blind to see it. If you’d let him take Jisung out of your life, you knew he’d eventually move on to someone else. It’d be Jeongin, and then Felix, and then Hyunjin… It had taken a while for you to realize it and accept it, but it was just a gateway for him to control you and your life. When you ended things with him, you told him he needed to grow the fuck up because you’d never ask him to do the things he was pressuring you to do. 

When you told Jisung that same day that you broke up with him, he’d watched you curiously for a minute. When you didn’t cry or say anything further, he smiled at you and asked if you wanted to celebrate. Jisung had treated you out for dinner that night, telling you about how he’d always thought you could do better. That guy hadn’t respected you enough to trust you, and all he could do was hope that he would eventually change for the better. It wasn’t your job to fix him, after all. You’d only left out the part where he said Jisung was in love with you: he didn’t need to know that, and  you didn’t need to hear him laugh it off as the joke that it was.

“I mean it.” Chris had moved closer to you when you never spoke up again, one hand squeezing your shoulder. “Felix is like a little brother to me. I think if you want to ask him out… The two of you would work well together.”

Maybe he had a point. But… “I thought I was your sibling.”

He rolled his eyes, moving back into his spot at the end of the couch. “Ask Jisung for help. You said they’ve known each other since high school, right?”

They have. They ended up rooming together their freshman year, and you’d almost always be spending at least a little time with Felix whenever you went to spend time with Jisung. He’d always be studying or on his way out, but he always made a point of hanging back just long enough to say hi to you and chat for a moment. Chris had a point, then. If anyone could help you, it would probably be Jisung.

(You wouldn’t know that Chris regretted the suggestion once he saw the way Jisung looked at you. He’d held his feelings to his chest for three years, and the mask slipped once when he thought no one was looking. The soft way he smiled at you, the tender look in his eyes when he heard you laugh… Chris would have taken the moment back if he could.)

Which was why you ended up in the MinSung apartment a few days later, sitting in Jisung’s computer chair. When you asked him for help, he’d agreed all too easily, saying something about how Felix did keep calling you cute. While he claimed to not know for sure (which you suspected was a lie), he’d been up front with you when he said he thought Felix might feel something toward you. Feelings in their vaguest form, but still something to give you genuine hope.

Minho had waited until you left to step into the doorway of Jisung’s room. “You’re an idiot.” 

Minho was the only person Jisung admitted his feelings about you to. He’d already picked up on it long ago, seeing the looks that everyone else seemed to not notice, and outright asked him about it. He never understood how no one, outside of himself, knew about the affection Jisung harbored for you. He’d never been all that subtle about it in Minho’s eyes, always so lovingly doting on you. He saw the way you clearly cared for Jisung, too. When he’d quietly asked Chris once whether you felt something for Jisung, he’d said you denied it every time. But while Minho had his dumb moments… He knew you were lying. You had the same loving look on your face whenever you looked at Jisung, dreamy-eyed and oh-so-tender when you engaged with him. You gave Jisung a safe place to hide when his anxiety was too much, always willing to leave with him and get him the space he needed. 

Surprisingly, Hyunjin called him the next morning, just to tell him the same thing Minho had said: you’re an idiot. Hyunjin always somehow seemed to pick up on Jisung’s feelings, too, but eventually believed him after he denied it enough times. You were Jisung’s best friend: was it really fair for him to love you so much when all you ever saw him as was a friend? 

It wasn’t. So he told Hyunjin to mind his business, causing the short-lived spat that the rest of the group heard about in the vaguest terms. Hyunjin had argued with him about it, saying that pushing you toward Felix was cruel to everyone involved. Jisung knew Felix liked you, though, and now he knew that you liked Felix. If Jisung was the only person to get hurt, he could live with it. Maybe he’d turn it into a song if he really needed to. It took a few days, but Hyunjin finally agreed to keep his mouth shut now that he’d spoken to Felix and confirmed that Felix genuinely did like you as more than a friend. If Jisung knew that you were genuine, then Hyunjin could live with it as long as Jisung took care of himself.

It wasn’t your fault that Jisung had fallen in love with you. He agreed to Hyunjin’s terms, and decided that he could live with the heartbreak if you were happy with Felix. Felix was a good person, always so loving and warm. He would treat you the way you deserved, loving you openly and affectionately. All it would cost Jisung was one heartbreak in exchange for your happiness. 

And for you? He would do it without hesitation.

One month into the semester, Jisung had already done a few things for you. Jisung went out of his way to ensure that you and Felix would sit together when given the chance, casually finding ways to move next to Hyunjin every time. A few weeks later, he’d casually dropped the fact that you were wanting to get into gaming more when the group was together, and you’d been confused until you saw the way Felix lit up at the topic. He’d immediately offered to let you join him and his friends, talking about free MMOs that you could play. All too easily, you managed to make conversation with him, talking about how you lacked experience with stuff like that… but you did have a Stardew Valley farm with Chris that the two of you worked on whenever you both had free time.

“Oh, really?” His eyes had been twinkling, head resting in his hand. “Maybe we could make a farm together.”

All too easily, he’d given you butterflies. “I’d like that,” you said, heart racing ever-so-slightly now. 

“Actually…” He averted his gaze for a moment, his pretty freckled cheeks turning red. “Our show is opening in a few weeks. If you want…” He paused, looking up to realize the others were still there, “I’d, um, I’d like it if all of you could come. I can reserve a couple tickets for opening night, but…”

You’d agreed, already planning to make sure your schedule was clear that day. The group had always planned to come support Felix on one of those nights, guaranteeing that he’d have his own section clapping loudly for him once he was taking his bow… but that quickly turned into something that would happen on a later night. You’d taken Felix up on the offer for an opening night ticket, and managed to convince Jisung to come with you. If Jisung was with you, you wouldn’t make a fool of yourself… and Jisung agreed, saying he’d watch the show twice to come with the others later. You had work the other day, after all: it all worked out in a way, right?

Right. Which was why he was standing in a flower shop with you, looking at premade bouquets. For the past five minutes, you’d been debating between a bouquet of sunflowers and yellow roses, frowning to yourself as you tried to pick which one best suited Felix. Jisung found himself staring at pale pink peonies. He’d looked up flower meanings once when thinking about you. If he was going to confess, he would have bought you a bouquet. Pink peonies meant something like deep appreciation, and he could easily spin it into his appreciation for you as his best friend. Would he ever be able to face you and not feel his heart flutter? Maybe one day he would, if he was lucky.

When he looked at you again, you were still deep in thought. He could hear you mumbling to yourself. Roses were too forward, too strong to be just a ‘friend’ thing—even if you were trying to impress Felix. And sunflowers felt… A little cliche knowing Felix. Everyone gave Felix sunflowers on his birthday if they were going to give him flowers. Jisung looked at the other bouquets, only to find one of yellow tulips. You looked up as he approached you with them in hand, the shyest smile on his face.

“You said you wanted to give Felix something pretty, so…” He held them up. “If roses feel too strong… Then why not these?” The paper crinkled underneath his grasp, and his heart was racing even now. This wasn’t meant to be romantic, so why couldn’t he calm down?

You’d lit up, accepting the bouquet with him. He felt the way your fingers brushed against his own when you accepted them, looking down at them. “Do you think he’ll like them”

“He’ll love anything you give him,” Jisung said, gaze softening. If it was from you, it’d be special. His hands rested over your own for a minute, and you met his gaze after a moment. “Hey… Would I lie to you?”

Other people might have. Some people might have tried to sabotage their best friend’s happiness, but Jisung could never do that to you. Not when you meant so much to him. He loved you too much to do anything that might hurt you, that would destroy your happiness. Even if he didn’t love you, you were still his best friend, and that meant he needed to treat you like one. Best friends didn’t destroy best friends like that.

“No,” you said, drawing the bouquet back. You smiled at it again. “Thanks, Jisung. If you wanna wait outside, you can. I’m gonna see if they can put a little ribbon around it when I pay—make it look cuter, y’know?”

His heart leapt at the idea. Of course you’d be cute like this. He wished that it could be him that you were buying flowers for, but he’d accept getting to see you this happy. “I’ll be waiting.”

The bell above the door jingled as he left the shop, taking a few steps away before leaning against the brick wall. With a sigh, he let his shoulders slump. This shouldn’t hurt so much, but the ache in his chest seemed to show no sign of going away. He could put aside his feelings for you, though, if it meant he could see you smile. The soft look in your eyes when he reassured you only made him feel more complicated inside. You weren’t his to give away, so why did it feel like he was losing a part of himself the more he went along with this plan? In the back of his head, a little voice kept telling him to find an excuse to go back to his apartment. A forgotten assignment that he’d overlooked, or reading he needed to do for class… But that meant abandoning you, even though Felix really wanted you to come see him tonight. Not Jisung. Jisung was coming to see him in a few days, so why bother staying?

Again, the bell chimed, and out you stepped, bouquet in hand. The brown paper that once had been wrapped around the flowers was exchanged for white tissue paper, all bound together with a bright, sparkly gold ribbon. It would fit Felix perfectly, all sunshine-y and pretty, and it was only now that Jisung realized you were wearing blue. Felix’s favorite color. Why hadn’t he noticed that before? If you were in red, then Jisung would have noticed right away, wouldn’t he? His mind wandered for a moment: would you have bought flowers for him if you were coming to see him perform? Hell, would you come alone to see him perform next semester? He had to perform solo as part of his degree plans—would you wait to come with the others, or would you be there every night if you could…? Instead, he just gently reminded you to loosen up your grip on the bouquet before you broke the stems.

“What if he hates them?” Your leg had been bouncing nervously the entire bus ride back to campus. 

Jisung just gently pat your arm. “He won’t,” he said, voice as soft as it was in the flower shop. “It’s Felix. I don’t think he’d ever hate anyone for bringing him a gift. Do you?”

That seemed to get through to you, and the tension in your shoulders eased up considerably. A moment later, you nodded, meeting his gaze. “Right…” And then you leaned against him, completely unaware that his heart was now racing all over again. “Sorry. I’m just… I’m nervous, I guess.” 

Jisung could tell. Everything about you now pointed to this need for tonight to go right. The fact you were not only wearing Felix’s favorite color, but also the way you had dressed up a little nicer, just to make an effort for him. The way you were fretting over the flowers still, even now (Jisung could see the way you  kept looking at them and readjusting your hands, all too conscious now that you might break the stems). He’d have to be ignoring you completely to not see the way your leg had been bouncing before, or the way you kept toying with your sleeve, or the way you kept checking the time even though you both left extremely early to get to the shop. 

“It’s gonna be okay,” he said, leaning his head against your own. “You’ll be fine.”

Despite the way he still wanted to go home, Jisung stuck by you the entire time. You needed him there to calm you, the way he depended on you sometimes, and he wouldn’t leave you to flounder. The two of you found seats a few rows back from the stage, settling in for whenever the show would begin. Jisung could see Chris sitting in the front row, beaming with pride at the whole affair. That was the nice thing about Chris: he always made a point of coming back to help wherever he could, including with productions like this. Plus, he was always there to support everyone, especially his friends. Dance showcases, theatrical performances, the art exhibits that Hyunjin’s pieces and Seungmin’s photography ended up in… Chris was there, always happy to congratulate on a job well done. Jisung didn’t need to be sitting next to him to see the way he glowed with pride every time Felix was on stage.

When the show was over, Jisung watched as you gravitated near the door the actors would eventually emerge from. He’d already passed the responsibility of congratulating Felix onto you for now (he’d tell him later) as he searched for where Chris had disappeared to in the crowd. Most likely, he’d disappeared into the back to go talk to the actors. Two years out of school, and Chris never seemed to care about the fact he wasn’t technically a part of the department anymore. Jisung admired his confidence, at least: it always felt like a line he shouldn’t cross, even though Felix always said his friends were welcome. 

He’d decided to take refuge in the bathroom instead, just to calm himself down. Chris would come back out soon when the actors did, meaning Jisung could talk to him then. He’d started to fiddle with little things as he stared at himself in the mirror: fixing a stray hair that never seemed to stay in place, adjusting the collar of his shirt, checking to see how puffy his face was… All little things that he could pick himself apart for if he felt like it, and his mind kept straying to it rather than how happy you seemed to be. He saw how engrossed in Felix’s performance you were. Maybe he should leave to spare himself from seeing this any further. He’d done his part, hadn’t he? You would understand. 

Except he didn’t leave, because Jisung was still your best friend. You wouldn’t abandon him now, so he had to do the same for you. The moment he stepped back into the theater, he saw the way you were beaming at Felix. He’d finally emerged, dressed casually again, and was happily talking to you while holding the bouquet. All he needed to do was look at Felix to know that he was smitten from the way he was smiling at you. Okay. He could deal with this. All he needed to do was find Chris and maybe he could manage.

But all it took was you looking up and waving Jisung over for him to cave, already drawn toward you like a magnet. He couldn’t just leave. Not when you were smiling at him like that. Jisung ended up rattling off some praise for Felix (genuine, because he wouldn’t half-heartedly give him praise just because you liked Felix and not him), and Felix had blushed over it. His gaze fell down to the flowers in his hands, and Felix smiled again.

“Aren’t they sweet?” The tissue paper rustled in Felix’s grasp, and he swayed toward you ever-so-slightly. “They’re so sweet.”

Jisung didn’t say that he was with you when you bought them, that he’d been the one to push them to you. “They have a really good eye for these things,” he said instead. “They fit you perfectly.”

“I know!” Felix looked up, beaming with pure joy. “They’ve never given a bad present before. I don’t really know how they do it.”

Jisung did. You kept a running list in your notes app of things that people said they liked, or things they said they wanted, or things that they needed that you constantly updated. Plus, you made a point to subtly ask about things close to holidays and birthdays, too. All the things you needed to give a good gift that people wanted and would appreciate. The only other person who knew about this was Chris, and that was because he’d caught you editing it. Even if Jisung hadn’t given you the tulips, he knew Felix would have loved the sunflowers or the roses. 

“I think I saw Chris,” Jisung said after a moment of seeing the (admittedly cute) way you and Felix kept glancing at each other. He started to move away, “I’m gonna go say hi.”

“Oh, I can come too!” You were flustered, all too aware of how much of Felix’s time you’d taken for yourself. “I mean, I’m sure Felix is tired of me hogging him, y’know?”

“It’s fine,” Felix said, smiling still. “I like talking to you.”

While his attention was still on you, Jisung made a point to nod toward Felix. Stay right there. He knew you wanted to talk to Felix, after all. You’d relaxed a moment later, planting yourself right where you were as you turned back to Felix. He’d already begun asking you something about an MMO he’d gotten you into, and Jisung turned tail to make his way to Chris. 

Jisung ended up leaving the arts building before you ever did, stepping out into the chilly night air. Chris was there to give you a ride home, after all: you didn’t need to ride the bus to Jisung’s apartment and then back to your own in the way you always insisted on doing. Chris had offered to drive him home, but Jisung waved him off. He needed the alone time to think, and the bus ride that took him home was the perfect time for it. He’d already begun writing lyrics in the notes app on his phone half-way there, and soon enough he’d put them into ink in his songwriting notebook. Just to get those feelings down while the wound was fresh and oozing ink.

You’d texted him that night to say that you were getting lunch with Felix that week. He had other shows most nights, but he’d make time for lunch with you anytime. He’d wondered for a moment until you finally said the magic word: Felix could do ‘evening dates’ with you another time. Yet you still texted him a moment later, asking if Felix meant date dates. All Jisung could say was that it might: he wasn’t Felix. He couldn’t tell you yes.

All he could tell you was that he was genuinely happy for you, even though the emotion never reached him in that moment.

When he woke up the next morning, he’d realized he fell asleep at his desk. His spine was aching at this point, and he realized that there was ink smudged on his hand and his cheek. He’d written down messy, clumsy lyrics that were nowhere near as good as he could make them. Jisung glanced over them again and again. The ink had smudged on the page, which meant he should copy them over to a fresh one after he showered. The melody would come to him while he washed off his regret anyway.

All of it was sloppy in the way a work in progress often was. But he had time to write it better.

A week later, you had curled up on Jisung’s bed while you were waiting for him to finish an assignment. The two of you had plans to go out to dinner, and you always ended up showing up a little too early. It never bothered Jisung, who was currently hard at work on a composition due for class soon. You admired him for a moment as he bobbed his head along to whatever he was working on, lips pressed tightly together in concentration. He’d already told you he wasn’t going to finish it tonight—but he just wanted a little more progress before he went anywhere with you. Which just left you to scroll through YouTube idly, eyeing the videos of ducks that kept popping onto your feed. All it took was one video from Felix for you to fall down this rabbit hole, and you were honestly fine with that. He made you happy.

Absent-mindedly, you started to reach toward Jisung’s desk. He always kept a stack of sticky notes on it, and you were hoping to blindly snag it without bothering Jisung. Yet he glanced up for half a second before pushing the cube over to you, offering a pen out to you without a word. You accepted it, thanking him out loud even though he was still entranced with whatever song he was working on. He hadn’t shared any of this one with you yet, but you weren’t going to push. He would show it to you when he was good and ready, and if he didn’t, then you just assumed it’d be more personal. All you did was roll onto your stomach, leaving your phone next to you as you began to doodle on the sticky notes. Jisung sometimes kept your silly little doodles, sticking them to his monitor before eventually throwing them out. There was still a pink one stuck to the corner of his screen with a little puppy on it, surrounded by little flowers.  You’d started drawing tulips on this new sticky note without thinking, followed by other flowers that you remembered seeing in that shop.

Jisung pulled the headphones off his head, looking over at you. He was wearing glasses again today—a rare sight since he started wearing contacts—and the monitor reflected in them. “Sorry,” he said, watching you doodle for a moment longer. “I’m almost done, I promise.”

“It’s okay,” you didn’t look up, humming to yourself as you kept drawing. “Take your time. I don’t mind waiting.”

(When other people said such things, jisung always felt a little on edge. Did they really mean it, or were they just pacifying him? But when you did it, he never had to doubt you. You always gave him this little reassuring smile. You meant it, and that was something else he loved about you.)

“I mean it,” you said, just like you always did to try and reassure him further. “I’ll be right here when you’re done, okay?”

Sometimes that promise would end in you falling asleep on his bed, always after you had a particularly long or rough day. He never woke you up: he’d just pulled a blanket over you and went to sleep on the couch for the night. He always made it up to you by buying breakfast that following morning. You did the same for him, after all.

Jisung replaced his headphones, but left one side off so he could hear you. A clear sign that he was open to conversation now, less focused on the work at hand. His way of winding down without dropping the project entirely. “How,” he said, and then paused for just a second as he clicked something else, “was lunch with Felix?”

The heat traveled to your face immediately, and you averted your gaze. “It was nice.” 

“Oh?” He swayed a little, turning his chair slightly. “So no wedding yet? I was practicing to be the flower girl, you know.”

You flipped him off, and he snorted. 

“I wouldn’t make a good one?” He faked offense. “I think I’d be cute.” 

“The cutest,” you rolled your eyes, yet still found yourself smiling. “Are you gonna show me the song you’re working on, or is this one another mystery?”

Jisung turned toward his computer again, not quite looking at you anymore. “It’s not ready yet.” 

You looked up at him, the way he sounded a little distant piquing your curiosity. It wasn’t ready yet…? You shrugged it off. What reason would Jisung have to lie to you…? Maybe he didn’t want your opinions this time around. There was nothing wrong with that, to be fair: Chris and Changbin were both better for musical analysis. But he’d always valued your opinions on something that was so important to him, and you always tried to pay attention to his lyricism and compliment him where you could.

Yet you doodled a little rose in the corner of the note. “Okay,” you dragged out the word, rolling onto your side after a moment, just to face him for a second. “If you ever want to show me, I’ll be happy to listen.”

“I’ll let you know if I need you.” A moment later, he met your eyes and smiled—just to reassure you that he was fine.

With said reassurance, you returned to lying on your stomach and doodling. You stuck the sticky note with flowers onto the side of his desk, and started doodling paw prints and hearts onto the new note. “I think we should go out.”

“Huh?!”

Immediately, your heart leapt into your throat. Fuck, that’s not what you meant—why did he have to sound so bothered by it?! Was dating you really such a weird idea…? You just prayed he couldn’t see how flustered you’d become, tugging at the collar of your shirt. When did your skin start burning…? “Felix told me about this nice restaurant and I figured we could go scope it out,” you said quickly. At least this wasn’t a lie or anything: Felix did send you the name of a nice place for a future date.

“Shouldn’t you check it out with him?”

You rolled your eyes. “You know how I am.”

Maybe it was silly, but you had this thing about scoping places out if you knew where someone was taking you. You did the same thing whenever your family was in the area and wanted to check something new out, just so you knew that there was something on the menu that you’d like. If someone else was treating you, you always felt guilty if you didn’t like what they were paying for. Jisung asked you once why you didn’t just look up the menu online and pick from there.

You had looked at him that day. “Jisung. What if they don’t make it good? What if they add extra stuff I don’t like and it’s gross after I ask them to take it off?” You frowned, hugging yourself. “Then I feel bad for wasting my money, or my date’s money, or my parents' money…” 

He hadn’t questioned you on it further and offered to be your test-date if you needed him. He’d never judge your taste, after all. If he was busy, you’d just drag Chris into going wherever with you—always offering to pay for him even though he had the better job out of the two of you. It was nice to go out with Jisung, though. He always seemed to know what you were going to pick off of the menu, the same way you knew his tastes. Speaking of…

“Jisungie?” You smiled at him, ready to sweeten the deal in a way he couldn’t refuse. “I’ll buy you cheesecake after.”

Immediately, you saw the way he pressed his lips together. You knew one of the ways to his heart and it was always through something sweet like cheesecake. A moment later, he melted, smiling as he turned back to save what he was working on. You left the sticky notes on his desk and hopped up, announcing you’d be waiting for him and made your way out. Minho had been curled up on the couch with a book, glancing up when you came in.

“Jisung and I are going to get dinner. Are you coming?”

Minho glanced over to where Jisung had emerged from his room, then shook his head. “I already ate.” 

Whatever. The two of you would have fun on your own, then. Through the power of digital maps and following directions, you and Jisung managed to find the place easily enough. The two of you ended up seated in the corner, ordering quickly enough before you were left alone. With a sigh, you’d begun to swirl your straw in your drink, mind wandering a bit. Your date with Felix had been nice, but you always felt so fluttery with him. Being around Jisung was… easier. You didn’t feel the need to force any conversation with him, the two of you were content to have a minute of quiet if that was what you both needed. It was a weird change to feel around him, to be honest. In the past, being around Felix was always easy. Now that you knew he liked you back…  It was different. You couldn’t help but wonder if things would be different if Jisung liked you back, if this were a date. Then you pushed the thought away: you needed to stop thinking things like that. 

“What’s on your mind?” Jisung had peeked up at you from where he was scrolling through social media on his phone, frowning a little.

With a sigh, you knew he’d pick up on your mood. “I feel like I’m gonna turn into one of those people who only talks about dating.” You fiddled with the sleeve of your sweater—your favorite color this time. “But…”

“I’m listening,” he said. “Is everything okay?”

Why did he have to look at you so earnestly? Jisung had the prettiest eyes, especially when they looked so shiny—like boba pearls, someone once said. You nodded a moment later. “Just… I dunno. I like Felix, but I keep getting nervous with him.” You tapped your toes against the floor, a little restless already. “I mean… I know he likes me, but… I dunno. We haven’t kissed or anything.”

“Has he said anything?” Jisung ran a hand through his hair, fluffing it effortlessly. How the hell did he always do that…? “What are you two doing next?”

“We were gonna see a movie and then get food here,” you paused, looking up from where you’d started staring at your hands. “And maybe dessert, if he’s interested.” 

“Was it your idea or his?”

“His, but—”

“Then I think you’re overthinking it,” Jisung said gently. “I think…” He trailed off for a moment, and then cleared his throat. “I think he likes you because you’re you. And… And, um,” he glanced down for just a second, “and if anyone doesn’t like you, then… I don’t think they deserve you.” 

Your heart skipped a beat. How was he so sweet? He seemed so nervous now, the way he always seemed to get when he was a little more sentimental with you. Like he was treading lightly, so as to not say the wrong thing. You’d told him once that there was nothing he could say that would upset you, and so far that still rang true. You had your fair share of disagreements over the years, but Jisung was your best friend. If you had soulmates in this life, then Jisung was one of them. “Jisung…”

He just silently watched you for a moment, gauging your reaction as he carefully tried to find any signs that he’d slipped up. 

You just buried your face in your hands a moment late, skin burning hot already. He’d melted your heart all too easily, dooming you to pine for him forever. No matter how far you went from him, no matter if you moved on, Jisung eternally had a piece of your heart and he didn’t even know it. Finally, you found the strength to speak, voice small: “I don’t deserve you.”

Your date with Felix was going well. The movie was fun, and dinner went great (especially going in knowing that you already liked some of the menu). He’d been gushing about video games and the movie, and now he was talking about a new recipe he was workshopping. His fingers were intertwined with yours as you walked aimlessly, no plan in place for where you were going next. You liked how warm Felix’s hands were, and the way he would run his thumb over your hand—just a tender little way of showing he was still there with you. 

“Maybe… I could bake with you sometime?” You squeezed his hand a little. “If you want an assistant.”

He lit up at the suggestion, already beaming again with joy. “I’d love that! I could teach you whatever you don’t know.” He paused, cheeks flushing red. “I think… you’d be a cute assistant, too.”

Your heart leapt into your throat at that, face growing warmer at the thought. Felix was always so cute, so affectionate, and the way he giggled at your flustered face only made you more embarrassed. Yet your mind had started to drift to the walk you’d taken with Jisung after dinner that night, heading toward your usual place for dessert….

Only to be jostled from your thoughts as Felix’s shoulder bumped against yours, getting your attention back with ease. “You okay?” He paused, and then smiled as he squeezed your hand. “You wanna get ice cream?”

Ice cream sounded perfect. You’d been wanting to bring up dessert, but you weren’t sure if he had room for it after dinner and splitting popcorn with you earlier. Then your mind turned to the brownies you’d had with Jisung… “Actually… There’s this place I go sometimes—”

“With Jisung?” Felix asked. He didn’t seem jealous or bothered in the slightest. “I’ve actually been wanting to go there with you.”

You slowed to a stop. “You have?”

He nodded. “Yeah, but… I dunno. I guess I started thinking I was overstepping since that place was always you and Jisung. You guys always take us somewhere else if we’re all going, so…”

What?

Felix shrugged, and started walking again. You fell into step with him. He continued on after a moment, “You two are really close. I mean… I’ve been places with my friends that I haven’t gone with you all, y’know? Maybe we keep stuff for our friends sometimes.”

The shop had always been a place for you and Jisung, sure, but neither of you ever intended for it to be exclusively for you two. Minho had gone with the two of you once or twice, and so had Chris. Now that you were thinking about it, this place wasn’t even the place you two used to frequent. That place closed down a little over a year ago, and you’d found this place shortly after that. The two of you had gotten a to-go order that first time to try in his apartment and fell in love with the dessert there. 

“It’s not our place,” you said after a moment. “If you want ice cream, we can get ice cream instead. I just started thinking about their brownies—”

Felix was already intrigued. “Do you wanna go?” He squeezed your hand a little, giddy at the idea. “We can split one, if you want?”

Perfect. “I’d love that,” you giggled. “They’re huge and they put a scoop of vanilla on top and drizzle it with caramel—you’ll love it.”

And he did: he fed you the first bite, just to be cheesy. His eyes always seemed to twinkle when he looked at you, so thoroughly endeared to you day after day. He’d hummed in bliss at his own first bite of the dessert before talking about how the salted caramel complimented the sweetness of the vanilla ice cream and the slight bitterness of whatever dark chocolate was in the brownie. It all came together beautifully, and all you could do was admire how pretty Felix was. He’d held your hand again after the two of you left, and held on tight for the entire walk home. 

“May I…?”

You turned your cheek to him, and he pressed a kiss against it. His lips were soft against your cheek, lingering there for a few extra seconds before he drew away. He’d already started talking about planning your next date soon, leaving it there. He took a few steps back, waiting until you unlocked the door to your apartment before he waved and made his way in the opposite direction. You retreated into your apartment with the sappiest smile on your face, already on cloud nine. In the sanctuary of your apartment, you buried your face in your hands, trying to ignore how heavily your heart was thumping in your ears.

“Someone had a good time.”

Chris had stood near the entryway, two glasses in his hands. He must have been on his way back to the living room, and you waved him on as you slipped out of your shoes and into your house slippers. Right as you were ready to tell Chris a little about how your date had gone, you spotted Changbin on the couch. With a polite way, you decided to hold off. Chris could wait to hear things tomorrow, and you told him that as you made your way toward your room.

“Did he walk you back?” Chris called out, and you hung back long enough to nod. “You could have invited him in for a minute—”

“Oh, fuck no.” You loved Chris, and maybe it would have been polite, but he had too much dirt on you. The fact you’d managed to be friends with everyone this long without having all your embarrassing stories spilled was a miracle in itself. “I love you, but I don’t need you to embarrass both of us, Chris.”

Chris only burst into giggles, knowing that you were right and that Felix would have agreed with you in a heartbeat. “I wouldn’t do it too bad!”

Big brother energy. Big bother energy, too. You opened your bedroom door. “You absolutely would,” you called back. “Love you!”

Yet it was right as you were closing the door that you heard Changbin speak up, clearly not intending for you to hear: “I thought they were…” Then a pause, just for a second. “... What about Jisung?”

You shut your bedroom door as quietly as you could, praying that no one noticed you’d caught that. You pressed your back against it for a minute, wondering where you had slipped up. Were you that obvious? Did everyone but Jisung know that you liked him and he didn’t like you back? No. No, no one else could know, right? If they knew, they would have said something by now—especially with the fact that you and Felix weren’t hiding the fact you were dating. Speaking of…

You texted him to get home safe, tacking on a yellow heart after it. He attached a little heart to the message soon enough, and you smiled to yourself. He’d text you when he got home, the way he usually did. All you could do now was start getting ready for bed as you let your mind drift back to what Changbin had been saying. If Changbin knew, then there was no telling if he’d accidentally spill it. What if Jisung found out…? He’d look at you differently, wouldn’t he? Especially since you’d asked him to help you get with Felix. What if he connected the dots and figured out that you were dating Felix because you were trying to move on? What if Felix found out and he hated you for it…? A world in which Jisung and Felix hated you was one you didn’t want to live in, and your heart began to race at the thought. Shit. What if…? You wanted to reach for your phone, to call Jisung. But Jisung would ask some questions to help you calm down, and you weren’t sure if you could be vague enough to keep him from finding out. 

Instead, you threw yourself into doing research for an essay. The less you thought about it all, the better off you’d be. The only thing that pulled you out of your thoughts was the text that popped up over an hour later from Felix. He’d sent you a picture of himself with a face mask on, dressed and ready for bed, and apologizing that he didn’t text you sooner. It was followed up with a “sleep well 💙we’ll talk tomorrow, yeah?” that left you smiling.

Felix was cute. He was sweet. He liked you, and you liked him. All you needed to do was push past your feelings for Jisung, and things would work out. Letting go was the hardest part of loving someone who wouldn’t love you back, and you needed to learn how to do it.

Maybe Felix could help you learn how to do that by loving you extra loud.

“You’re both slacking, you know!”

Jisung looked up at the sound of your voice carrying across the apartment. Barely milliseconds later, he heard Minho groan at you for pointing out the fact the apartment was a little unkempt. Fuck, you were here sooner than he thought—he’d seen your text over half an hour saying you were coming, but you were ‘taking your time’ for whatever reason. You’d given him a time, and even still he was surprised by how soon you’d showed up.

“I told you to text before you come!”

You’d stopped for a minute to turn to huff at him. “I did!” 

“Text me, not just Jisung.” There was no venom in his words, purely Minho ribbing you, but Jisung jolted from his chair. Shit, his room was a mess still. Minho had to know, didn’t he? This was him giving him a chance to tidy before you came in. “He’s been in his room all day, by the way.”

“What?” You hadn’t moved. “Really? Is he behind, or…?”

Yes, keep distracting them, Jisung shoved trash into the small trash can next to his desk—all wrappers from snacks. The sticky notes from his monitor were neatly hidden away in the bottom drawer with all the others you’d left him. Minho was rattling something off about how he knew Jisung had been hard at work, although he’d barely checked on him since he seemed to be focused. He’d tie up the bag and take it out of his room later, after you left. He made up his bed as you asked something about one of Jisung’s classes, to which Minho said a curt “I don’t know, I’m not his mom,” which earned ribbing from you considering how Minho acted like a mom at times. A second later, your voice was a little louder, having stepped closer to his room.

He threw himself back into his chair, pulled his headphones on, and pretended to be hard at work. Don’t notice the fact he’s still panting a little—he was just… running. A marathon. Really. He heard your quick knock, followed by the creak of his bedroom door a moment later. When you waved your hand in front of his face, he pretended to jolt back, pushing his headphones around his neck as he looked up at you.

With a smile, you held up the takeout. “How much do you love me?”

More than you knew. No wonder you told him you weren’t sure you’d be there on time. He accepted the bag, already working to undo the knot. “I don’t deserve you.”

You pulled over the spare chair, pulling it over to his desk. “Minho said you’ve been busy all day. Everything okay?”

He nodded. “Just working on that paper on music history,” he set aside the plastic-wrapped utensils. “It’s due in a few days, but I’m behind on it, so…”

You frowned a little. “Okay, but… Have you eaten today?” When he didn’t move, you’d been given your answer. “Aw, Jisungie…”

“I’ve snacked?”

“That’s not the same thing,” you leaned against his desk. “I guess I came at a good time, then.” 

He nodded, pulling the knot undone. He set your food aside. “I think Minho tried to check on me earlier. I don’t really remember.”

It wouldn’t be the first time, and both of you knew that. “Are you gonna share this time?”

He let out a groan. One time he ate all the steamed dumplings, and you’ve never let him live it down. “I always share,” he said, setting the container where both of you could reach it. “Take however many you want.”

“Not those,” you said, before pausing for a moment. “Well, yes those, but…” You pointed your chopsticks toward his computer. “Any of your work. I feel like I haven’t heard any of it this semester.” 

“You’re usually with Felix,” he said, voice a little quieter. “I mean… You two are usually going out and doing things, you know?” He hoped you understood him: you couldn’t be around to hear things when you were out with him. 

“Not the entire semester,” you frowned again. Then you sighed, balancing your food in your lap. “But you’re right.” Then you paused, brows drawing together. “Wait… Am I spending too much time with Felix?”

Jisung shook his head quickly. “No! No, you two are fine—I just meant—”

You reached out, squeezing his shoulder, “No, Jisung. I’m sorry.”

The way you sounded so genuinely upset only broke his heart a little. He didn’t mean to imply you shouldn’t be spending time with Felix—the two of you were dating after all. “Don’t feel bad about Felix—”

You stopped him there again. “No, I mean… I know we’re dating, but that’s no excuse to ignore you. I don’t want to be the kind of person who dumps their friends entirely, all just because I’m seeing someone. That’s not fair to you.”

His face grew warmer. Had you thought about this before…? You’d always been so conscious of your friendships when dating in the past. Sure, you spent more time with past partners, but he’d never felt neglected. No one did. “You aren’t dumping any of us. It’s okay.”

Yet that didn’t seem to stop you. “We should go out this weekend,” you said. “Like we usually do. I have to work Saturday morning, but my evening is yours.” 

His? Jisung ignored the way his heart skipped a beat at that. It didn’t mean anything. “But what about Felix?”

You pressed your lips together. “If he doesn’t understand ‘best friend time,’ then he’s not the one.” You shrugged. “My partner shouldn't stop me from hanging out with friends. I’m never going to date anyone like that. I wouldn’t want anyone to put their life on pause entirely for me, you know?”

Jisung had always loved that about you. You loved your friends wholeheartedly, and you were always so, so loyal to them. In your past relationships, you’d always found time for friends. They understood whenever you prioritized the relationship during that initial phase, sure, but it always just felt… wrong to drop them entirely during that period. You needed to balance your time, after all.

Jisung swallowed his own pain. “How are you two?”

“You don’t want to hear about us.”

“I do,” he insisted. “You don’t have to share anything, but… You’re both still my friends. Jeongin said he saw you two on a date.”

You fumbled with your chopsticks, immediately growing flustered. “Oh my god. Felix kept telling me that he was positive it wasn’t him—I knew it was! Holy shit—”

“He didn’t say anything bad!” Jisung panicked a little, carefully removing your food from your lap before it could get spilled in your movement. He moved his chair over, giving you some of his desk space so you wouldn’t have to use your lap as a table anymore. “All he said was that you two were holding hands and giggling. He said it was sweet.”

You refused to look at Jisung, still too embarrassed to do anything more than push your food around its plate. “He’s… really sweet,” you admitted after a moment. “I dunno how I feel, honestly, and I kinda feel bad about that. He’s nice to talk to, and he’s sweet, but… I dunno. I keep getting worried that I’m leading him on if I’m not all-in already.” Your knee bumped against Jisung’s. “You changed the subject, by the way.” 

Shit, you caught him. Jisung just moved the dumplings between the two of you again, trying to distract you. When you gave him a pointed look, he knew you weren’t going to drop it yet. With a sigh, he shrugged. “I’ll show you after I finish one. They aren’t good yet.” 

“Bullshit,” you said. “Your works’ always good. Even when it’s a work in progress—I can always tell that you love what you’re doing. I love how devoted you are to it… and to us, y’know.” 

Now it was his turn to be embarrassed, always so easily flustered. How did complimenting him come so easily to you? 

“You don’t have to share it if you aren’t ready or if you don’t want to,” you said after a moment. “You can tell me that, though. I’ll stop asking.”

Jisung looked up, nodding. “Later,” he promised, running a hand through his hair nervously. “When I’m ready.”

You giggled, squeezing his knee. “That’s all I needed to know,” you said. “I’ll be here for you when you want to share, alright?”

Tell them. The little voice in the back of Jisung’s mind was nagging him again, and all he could do was admire how giddy you were getting over dumplings. He loved how you found joy in little things like this, too. Tell them so they can break your heart and get it over with.

Then something clicked in his mind, something he’d glazed over entirely. “You… might not like Felix?”

You avoided his gaze, as though you were ashamed. There was nothing wrong with not being sure of your feelings, and yet you’d shrunk before him, unsure. “I don’t know. I… I like him, but I’m not sure how far it goes.”

“You should figure it out soon,” he said softly. Regardless of his own feelings for you, Felix was his friend. You clearly were, too. It was unfair if you stopped feeling things and kept seeing him. “Felix is a really good person. If you want to date him, you should be up front about it. He won’t hold it against you if you don’t feel the same, you know? Do what will make you happy.” 

You looked up from your food a moment later, a soft look in his eyes. He’d seen you and accepted you without any harsh judgment. Someone else might have told you off for being unsure, but not Jisung. Never Jisung. Feelings were complicated, after all. If you weren’t sure, then you weren’t sure. All you needed was time to figure it out. You wouldn’t drag things out to hurt Felix. You turned, leaning over the side of your chair to wrap your arms around him. He relaxed into your embrace, reaching up a hand to squeeze your arm.

“I’m really glad you’re in my life, Jisung.” You shut your eyes, squeezing him extra tight for a second. “I really, really love you, y’know?”

Why did that feel like a confession? His heart was racing, and he just squeezed you gently. His eyes fluttered shut for a moment as he savored this moment. “Yeah,” he said, praying that you didn’t notice how warm his face was getting, or hear how fast his heart was racing. “Love you, too.”

A moment later, you drew away, hands lingering on his arm for a moment too long. Then you were hit with realization. “Oh!” You drew away from him, “I forgot to get us drinks.” The wheels noisily rolled against the floor as you stood up. “I’ll go see what’s in the fridge, alright?”

Before he could offer to go, you were gone. Jisung watched the door shut behind you, and let out a long sigh as he relaxed into his chair. How long would it take for him to get past this? Every little moment like this with you only made his feelings burrow deeper into his chest. It felt as though he’d hit bedrock and somehow managed to keep digging. Something squeezed in his chest, and he felt as though he was going to suffocate in that moment. 

Jisung loved you too much, and now it was starting to hurt even more.

Felix was… Felix. He’d been kind to you from the first day you met him. He was sweet. Sometimes insecure, but most people were, weren’t they? He was warmer than sunshine, though, and you had always felt like you were on top of the world when you were with him. He had that ability to just spread joy in other people, that pretty smile enough to give anyone butterflies—especially when you heard his laugh afterward. He’d always drifted toward others, always ready to give a warm hug when someone needed it (or even just wanted it). Felix was sunshine in human form…

So what changed? He was smiling that cute, smitten smile that he always seemed to have when he was around you. He played with your fingers, talking about his day and asking you about your own. The two of you hadn’t been going out that long, yet those weeks seemed to shift subtly more and more until you were where you were now. The time he first kissed your cheek felt so distant now. He still liked to press little kisses against your cheek, and you often did the same to him, too. So what was wrong with you? His giggle still made your heart flutter, and the cute face he made when he got flustered was still adorable, but…

Chris had paused the movie the two of you were watching one weekend, opting to study you for a moment. You’d been scrolling through your social media feeds, too bored with the stilted leads. They were reciting shitty dialogue written by someone who clearly didn’t know what love was. Then again… What was love like?

“Hey. Can we talk?” 

You looked up, confused. When did Chris get so serious…? “What’s wrong?”

“I love you, but…” He let out a sigh. “I just wanted to say that I think you should cut things off with Felix if you aren’t interested.”

What? You never said you weren’t interested. Felix was sweet, and nice, and you felt great when you were around him still. “What?”

“I don’t know—Whenever I look at the two of you now, it looks like you’re always thinking about something.” Chris paused for a moment, and then frowned at you. “You know you can tell me anything, right? I’m still here for you. I just don’t want you and Felix to get hurt.” 

You hugged yourself. “I know, I just…”

“Just… Figure it out, yeah?” Chris let out a sigh. “I love you so, so much. And I love Felix, too. When you said you were interested in him, I was really excited for you both, yeah? But, I don’t know, I can’t shake this weird feeling now.” He paused for a moment, eyes searching your own now. “I didn’t push you into this, did I?”

“No! No,” you shook your head, “you didn’t. I was crushing on him for a while.” You drew your knees a little closer to you, shifting into a more comfortable position. “I… I don’t know.” 

Maybe you should kiss him. Just to see how it felt. 

“I guess…” You trailed off for a moment, hugging your blanket closer to you. “I guess I’m just not sure about anything anymore. I like hanging out with him. And… I like him. I just don’t know how I feel anymore.”

Chris frowned as he watched you. He understood, though: feelings were always complicated in some way, weren’t they? “You should tell him soon once you figure it out.” The way he was being so insistent on it meant someone talked to him. Was it Felix…? Had Felix confided in him? He sat up, reaching for the near-empty bowl of popcorn. He dropped the remote into your lap. “I’m gonna make more popcorn. Find something actually good to watch, yeah?”

“This was your pick, you know.” 

He just rustled your hair before moving on. With a new movie picked out, Chris settled into the space next to you rather than his usual spot. He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you into his side as he pressed a kiss onto the top of your head. He’d always given you little kisses like that when you were upset, and the habit never really died. It comforted you even now, reminding you of simpler times. He’d cared for you once when you were a child, rushing to your side when you skinned his knee. Admittedly it was because you’d been chasing after him, but he’d cared for you the same way he did for his siblings. He bandaged your knee, kissing it better the way his parents always did before kissing your forehead. His parents told him that it helped it heal faster. And, sure, the two of you had been dumb kids then, but the kisses now always reminded you that you weren’t going through things alone. Chris was always right there with you, the older brother you never had. 

It was sweet. At least you would always have Chris in your corner, right next to Jisung.

Felix kissed you.

The two of you had walked home from dinner that night with your pinkies linked together. You’d grown quieter with each step, listening to Felix as he filled the space with soft conversation until it, too, was drowned in the sounds of the night. The sound of cars driving past, the chirp of crickets, the wind as it kissed your skin. But Felix was right there with you, still tethered to you by your pinkies. Even now, he looked at you so sweetly whenever he caught your eye. He’d fixed your jacket, or brushed a stray strand of hair back from your face. When you were finally back in front of your apartment, he’d asked if he could kiss you. You said yes, and he closed that distance between you. All at once, you knew: Felix wasn’t it.

Maybe there would never be anyone like Jisung for you. But you couldn’t be upset about that. It wasn’t his fault you fell for him somewhere along the way. And now you were standing in front of your apartment, an eternity seeming to pass as Felix kissed you gently. His lips were slightly chapped this time, fingers gently holding your face. One of the neighbors must have opened their door and seen from the way it opened and immediately shut. 

A moment later, Felix pulled away since you never actually reciprocated. The hurt in his eyes told you everything: he knew. His hands were still holding your face, thumbs running over the apples of your cheeks. Shit. Fuck, you’d hurt him, all while you were hurting, too. Yet you saw the way he tried to fight back tears, blinking quickly as he took in a shaky breath.

When he spoke, his voice was strained. “This… wasn’t ever going somewhere, was it?”

Even after you’d hurt him, he was still so gentle with you. You wished he were angry with you, or upset, or anything other than the man who was forcing a smile in front of you now. If he yelled at you or started crying, then you could apologize. You could try to fix things. All he did was keep that forced smile as he drew his hands back, letting them fall to his sides again. With the tiniest step back, your worlds seemed to break apart. Why couldn’t he just  yell at you? You’d hurt him, and he just… He looked at you like he still thought the world of you.

“That’s okay.” His voice was so much quieter. It was as though his sunlight had been snuffed out. “I had fun.”

“Felix—”

“I mean it,” he said, taking another small step back. “I… I really hope this doesn’t hurt our friendship. I still like talking to you, and—and I like being your friend. And you’re kind-of good at games, so we could, um—we could still use yours if you wanted to play with us, and…”

He was rambling. All you could do was step forward, pulling him into your arms to hug him tight. All too easily, he crumpled into your embrace, holding you tight. 

“I’m sorry, Felix.” You hoped he would forgive you someday. Not today. Not too soon, not too easily. You didn’t deserve that. “I should have known sooner.”

He shut his eyes for a moment, taking in another shaky breath before pulling away from you. “It’s okay. You didn’t know.” He paused. “You should head in. I’m sure Chris is worried. I’ll probably get a text from him on my way home. You know how he is—he always worries, and, um, he… worries a lot about if I’m getting home safe, and…”

You punched in your apartment’s code, stepping back into the doorway. You turned to face Felix one last time, heart breaking in your chest. He forced one more smile as he looked at you.

“Goodnight,” he said, voice soft as ever.

You swallowed hard. “Goodnight, Felix. Get home safely.”

And then you shut the door, securing the door as you pressed your forehead against it. You waited, hoping that Felix had taken off as soon as the door was shut before you slammed your fist into it. Chris was out. You hadn’t seen his shoes when you stepped in, his house slippers left in their usual spot. All too quickly, you kicked your shoes off, heading toward your room as you started to strip off your clothes. You just wanted to be in your pajamas, curled up in bed. The heartbreak wasn’t what was hurting you more: it was knowing you’d hurt Felix, and he was going to go home, and he was going to cry because Felix was someone everyone treated with care. He wasn’t fragile, but he was gentler. A softer person. There was a reason why Minho joked with him differently, after all. 

At least you were alone now. Chris would have asked questions. Everyone would have, except… You’d picked up your phone, opening it up to Jisung’s contact. Jisung wouldn’t ask questions. Jisung would hold you and let you cry. But he was Felix’s friend first. 

All you could do now was send a final text to Felix to get home safely. A little heart popped up next to the message, a sign that he saw it, and you shut your phone off afterward. You dragged yourself to bed, chest heavy and hurting as you pulled your blankets around yourself. Why couldn’t things just be different?

Why couldn’t you just turn your feelings off?

Jisung didn’t speak to you all week. 

This wasn’t him getting busy with schoolwork and shutting everyone out to work. Jisung did that with warning to everyone, just so no one worried about him. That was the rule for all of you. Life could be hectic, but no one was to completely shut everyone out without at least some sort of heads up so no one worried too much. Jisung had always been clear with telling you when he needed his space so that you could check in with him occasionally. The one person you needed most right now wasn’t responding to your texts, and that terrified you. He was pissed at you. He had to be, right? You had hurt Felix, and Jisung decided to side with the person he’d known longer. Messaging Minho yielded no answer, too. You had expected Felix to avoid you the way he was now, but even he had been more cordial to you. Sure, he was quieter, but that, again, was something you had expected. He apparently came by one day to see Chris, and you had never known until Chris offhandedly mentioned it.

You had to figure things out, which meant asking everyone separately. Chris had claimed he didn’t know anything about what was wrong with Jisung. He never acted any differently when they interacted, although it was a little more rare nowadays. Minho only responded to tell you that Jisung needed space, but that he wasn’t sure what had happened. Felix had messaged you back to first accept your apology for bothering him and then tell you that he wasn’t sure what happened. No one did. Jeongin seemed clueless that anything had happened, Changbin said he’d see what he could find out (only to come up fruitless in that attempt), and Seungmin had been buried in his own schoolwork. If anyone had known something, it would have been Minho.

Which… admittedly was why you decided to wait outside the dance studio he worked at. He was teaching kids dance now, and it paid well enough that he could support himself. Plus he seemed happy, always getting along well with the kids according to Felix and Hyunjin when they volunteered to help a few times. You knew that he locked up in the evenings because he was the last person out, always taking an hour to himself to practice his own dancing. You listened to the jingle of keys and the loud click of the door, followed by Minho making his way down the steps. He noticed you all too easily, and slowed to a stop.

He shook his head, pocketing his keys. “I’m not telling you anything,” he said, as though he’d been expecting you to track him down. Maybe he did. Minho could have his airheaded moments the way you had your own, but he wasn’t stupid. “How long have you been waiting?”

“Maybe half an hour.” You crossed your arms, shivering a little in the cold. Maybe longer, actually. “I just want to know what’s going on with Jisung. I’m worried, Minho—he hasn’t said anything to me.”

He sighed, shaking his head. “He’s just going through a few things.” He stepped down off that final step, making his way toward home. He turned, speaking to you again, “He’s not ready to talk to you, so give him space for now. He’ll talk to you when he’s ready.” Then he turned away again, continuing his walk away.

That wasn’t enough for you. You hurried to catch up to him, “Minho!” You fell into step next to him. “Why can’t he just tell me that? That’s all I needed to hear from him. He knows he can tell me things, I just—”

Minho stopped suddenly, turning to face you. He reached up, hands resting on your shoulders. “When he’s ready, he’ll tell you. Don’t worry about him,” his fingers dug into your shoulders for a quick squeeze, “I’m taking care of him. Just wait for him.” 

Before you could question him further, Minho let go of you. All you could do was stand there, stewing in your thoughts. Minho knew, then. What he knew exactly, you weren’t sure, but he at least knew what was wrong with Jisung. You drew your phone back out of your pocket, opening it to your unanswered messages to Jisung. Maybe you shouldn’t have,  but you needed to say at least one last thing before you stopped trying to contact him. Just to he knew that you were still on his side:

I’m here if you need me, Jisung. Please take care. Love you.

And by the time you were home, he had reacted with a heart. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to tell you he’d seen your messages. 

At least he’d given you that.

Jisung still wasn’t speaking to you another week later.

He knew about Felix. How could he not know about Felix? He knew that you had ended things with him. He knew that Hyunjin was beyond pissed at you, and he knew you’d eventually figure that out. Jisung had spilled his feelings to Hyunjin when he pushed again. That he had loved you for so long now that he couldn’t remember a time when he didn’t love you. Hyunjin, to his credit,  had quietly listened to Jisung as he told him everything. Then when he was done, he scowled to himself.

“They hurt Felix,” he had said. “Because they love you.”

Jisung shook his head. “You don’t have to say things like that. I know they don’t—”

“No, they do, and you need to realize that.” Hyunjin crumpled the paper cup of coffee, getting up to throw it into the trash. “That’s why they turned Felix down.”

What the hell—Did you say something to Hynjin? “Did they tell you?”

“No.” He crossed his arms. “But I know. It’s a gut feeling. I always thought you were lying to me, but…” He let out a heavy sigh, shaking his head. “You deserve better than them, Jisung.”

Immediately, he was taken aback. “What?”

“They fucked with Felix’s feelings,” he said, “and I think that’s fucked up. I don’t care that they have feelings for you—they should have left Felix out of it. Why would they do this to him?”

“They liked him,” Jisung said, already quick to defend you. He was hurting, yes, but he wasn’t going to just let Hyunjin insult you like this. You weren’t some cruel person—you had genuinely liked Felix. What, were you supposed to keep dating Felix when it turned out you didn’t feel the same way? “They wouldn’t have dated him if they didn’t.”

“Did they?” He balled his hands into fists. “Or were they just trying to get over you?”

“They wouldn’t have hurt him on purpose!” Jisung hated how he teared up now. He was angry, he wanted to defend you, and yet the stress of fighting back now was already getting to him. “They were figuring out how they felt—they’re not a bad person for figuring out that they don’t like him like that.”

“I mean it,” Hyunjin said. “You deserve better. Felix does, too.”

Jisung didn’t know what else to say. Nothing he could say would change Hyunjin’s mind, would it? He was pissed at you, and nothing Jisung could say on your behalf would do anything. Only you could change his mind. 

“I’m still here for you,” Hyunjin said, voice a little softer than before. “I know it’s hard. I’m sorry, Jisung.”

Of course he was still there for him. Everyone would be—including Felix, if he knew. He saw a picture pop up a few days later of Felix out with Hyunjin and Changbin, smiling genuinely at the camera. He’d heard about how badly Felix had been hurting those first few days–. Changbin said he’d been crying for so long that night, genuinely heartbroken by how everything had gone down. Not that Changbin was upset with you at all: relationships sometimes just didn’t work out. It sucked that Felix was hurt, but everyone (excluding Hyunjin, who’s loyalty to Felix admittedly blinded him to anything you were going through) understood that the situation was complicated. It had to be, right? The two of you seemed to fit together so well…

Jisung shut his eyes, listening as he reworked this part in his song about you for maybe the millionth time now. The lyrics weren’t completely right, not flowing the way he wanted them to. But he’d never been able to get them right every time he tried to rewrite them, and it was too personal a project to ask for a second opinion on. He’d stopped working on it to console Felix at one point, only for him to ask point black if Jisung actually did like you. He denied it. the same way he always did and always would, and Felix didn’t push. Jisung couldn’t like you now. Not when it would hurt someone, and especially when it would hurt someone like Felix. Denying his feelings hurt, but pursuing you just felt selfish.

Suddenly, his headphones were pulled off his ears, and Minho stood next to him. He glanced at the screen and already recognized it to be the piece that Jisung had been working on constantly when he wasn’t working on schoolwork, and sighed. Jisung watched as Minho wordlessly made his way over to his closet, opening the doors and searching through his shirts. He yanked one off, throwing it at Jisung, who scrambled to catch it.

“Get dressed,” Minho said before Jisung could question him. “Chris is on his way.”

Jisung furrowed his brows. Chris was…? He looked down at the clean white t-shirt in his hands. “Did something happen?”

“We’re all going out,” he said, searching for a clean pair of jeans. He threw those at him, too, and then turned. “You’ve barely left the apartment outside of work and class. We’re going to sing your feelings out. Bottling them up won’t help you.”

Jisung only stared at him. Writing a song about you was the opposite of bottling it up… right? “I’m not—”

“You don’t have to tell us everything,” he made his way over, giving Jisung a gentle pat on the head. “But you can depend on us. We’re here for you.”

Jisung looked down at the clothing Minho had oh-so-lovingly thrown in his face, and nodded. He left his headphones on his desk, moving to change once Minho had left him alone. Soon enough, he had changed, and even sooner after that, Chris had shown up. If you were upset, Chris hadn’t said a word about it. He just threw an arm around Jisung, already bragging about how he’d have the highest score tonight if Jisung didn’t bring his game. It was almost nice to act as though nothing was wrong, even though Jisung saw the concerned looks Chris kept taking. 

He’d run his fingers over the smooth seats in the karaoke room, listening as Chris put in an order for drinks and snacks. All of this was his treat, he’d insisted over and over. This was entirely his idea, apparently (an idea Minho didn’t refute at all). Jisung kept glancing at the door, wondering if this was some plan they’d concocted to make the two of you talk. 

“Jisung, you should sing first,” Minho said, prodding his side to get his attention. 

Jisung looked to his two friends, who began to chant his name to motivate him further. This wasn’t a trap to make the two of you talk, then. The tension eased off of him. They wouldn’t do that to him—not like this, at least. He waved his hands, though. “No—It’s fine! One of you can go first.”

Chris stood up and began to cycle through the songs, humming to himself before stumbling across one. “Jisungie,” he cooed, “will you sing with me?”

Of course Chris had found a duet. It was from two members of a popular boy group, and Jisung had… admittedly listened to it more than a few times over the past two weeks. The song was about heartbreak to the point of begging the listener to say yes, to sing this song with them again, to let them stay again. It was easier to sing alongside Chris than to sing along, to share his pain through another song he’d had on repeat. 

And it became healing to belt out a ballad with his friends until his throat ached. To break down crying afterwards and be held by them as he sobbed. Something inside of him had finally broken down in the way it needed to. When replacing his battery once, the guy behind the counter told Jisung that it was okay to let his phone die sometimes, because even it needed rest. He didn’t know enough to know if this was sound advice, but he had always kept the advice in mind at least. Was that what this was? Had his own battery finally run out and this was his way of resting rather than tirelessly pushing forward, recharge after recharge? He’d leaned into Minho’s side, sobbing into his sleeve while Chris rubbed circles onto his back. 

By the time they left after buying another hour, Jisung felt lighter. He would always carry this heartbreak for you within him, yearning for something he needed to let go of to be better. But more importantly, things finally seemed clearer to him. He knew how to fix his song, lyrics perfected in the back of his mind. He typed them out into his notes app while sitting in the back of Chris’s car, just so he wouldn’t lose them. The melody came to him easier—something he’d need to change a little to be just right—and he tapped it out onto his jean-clad leg. The moment he was home, he would put it down onto paper. 

And when he finished his song, he could finally let go. Jisung promised himself that he would, and when he did that, he could finally let you back in if you would have him.

Almost three weeks without Jisung, and you felt like you were holding yourself together with thread. At first, you’d been angry once Minho told you to just wait for Jisung. If it was this serious, then Jisung should have told you himself that he needed space. A lot of space, apparently. Then came worry,  because had you done something to upset him? Was that why he wouldn’t so much as look at you anymore? Had you hurt Jisung without even knowing it. Or… Or did he figure out the real reason why you couldn’t be with Felix? Someone must have suspected your feelings for Jisung now. Chris had to know. Changbin already suspected something. Surely, one of them would have hinted at it to Jisung… wouldn’t they? Night after night, you found yourself searching through every text from your friend group for some answer that you were sure would never come to you. Something that someone had said to hint at what was wrong with Jisung.

And then the answer came to you in what someone didn’t say. Hyunjin had never responded to a single one of your texts. You hadn’t noticed at the time, far too caught up in trying to figure out the puzzle that was Han Jisung and his disappearance from your life. But you’d had enough, and if Hyunjin had the answers, then it was time to put a stop to this. You’d buzzed his apartment, and Seungmin let you in without much of a second thought. Hyunjin sat at their dining table, sketchbook open in front of him while he worked on thumbnails for a new assignment. He looked up, and immediately you saw disgust cross his face.

“Tell me what’s wrong with Jisung.”

You weren’t asking anymore: this was a demand. A week ago, you would have scurried in and pleaded for Hyunjin to just talk to you. But the scorn in his eyes was enough to tell you that Hyunjin knew something and, for whatever reason, he was beyond pissed at you. He scowled at you for a moment, but let it go, fading into neutrality. He leaned back after a moment, giving you a quick once-over.

“You’re being rude.”

Was he serious right now? Of all the people to deal with… “Hyunjin.” You folded your arms across your chest. “I mean it. If you do know something, then tell me already.”

His gaze was cold still, expression not betraying his true thoughts. “It’s none of your business.”

“Bullshit!” You snapped at him, fists balled as you stepped forward. “It’s been almost three weeks and I haven’t seen Jisung the entire fucking time—If it’s bad, then at least say that!” 

“What do you think the problem is?!” Hyunjin truly was pissed with you, voice now raising as he stood up. He pushed his sketchbook aside to where it would be safe, and stared you down. “You broke Felix’s heart, and it’s hurting the rest of us—and you should have thought about that before you asked him out.”

You sputtered. Was he pissed at you because things didn’t work out? “I didn’t know we wouldn’t work out! What was I supposed to do—pretend I still had feelings for him?”

“Tell him sooner.” He clenched his jaw. “Don’t lead him on when you clearly have feelings for Jisung.”

Seungmin gasped behind you, and you found yourself at a loss for words. Hyunjin knew? When—How—How the fuck did Hyunjin find out? You swore you’d always hidden your feelings well, but… “What are you talking about?”

His gaze was ice cold now, and he scowled at you once more. “You went out with Felix because you didn’t want to admit it. Now Jisung feels bad because he helped set you two up because you asked—Did you even like Felix?!” 

“I did!” You did. You truly did. But not every relationship was meant to last—and, hell, you never even became anything official. If you could turn back time, you would have ended things sooner. “I did,” you said, your voice softer as you reined in your temper. “I wouldn’t just mess with Felix like that, Hyunjin. He’s my friend, too.” You brought your arms up to hug yourself. “Hyunjin, do you really think I’d do that?”

Hyunjin didn’t say anything for a moment, the regret clear on his face. His fingers grazed the wooden table in front of him as he looked away from you, pressing his lips into a firm line. As upset as he was with you, assuming you would be so cruel to someone you both clearly cared about was… a little too far, wasn’t it? He took a deep breath as he calmed himself down, meeting your eyes after a moment. “I think you need to figure out your feelings. I’m tired of watching my friends hurt.” 

“I know.” Your lip trembled a little, and you fought back the urge to cry. “I can’t help how I feel about Felix, though. I know I should have told him sooner, but… I really, really didn’t know until we kissed. I promise.” 

Hyunjin said nothing at first, just watching you. He licked his lips a moment later, swallowing hard. “You really don’t understand, do you?”

All you could do was stare. Maybe he would give something away. “What?”

Seungmin spoke up after a moment, “Don’t you have that meeting? For your project?” He looked between the two of you. He looked at Hyunjin more pointedly after a moment, clearly annoyed at the confused look on his face. “Hyunjin.”

Hyunjin caught on for once, although you could tell that this was some sort of lie. “Right,” he said, reaching for his sketchbook. “I should go.”

There was no point in calling either of them out. They weren’t going to tell you anything now, and you needed to reflect on what had happened so far. You apologized for intruding and for coming in so hot, turning to make your way out of the apartment. While you still weren’t sure why, exactly, Jisung was upset to the point of not speaking to you… You understood at least a little more. It felt like everyone knew something that you didn’t, although the answer felt just outside of your reach. How much of it was you not knowing, though, and how much of it was you not letting yourself know? You weren’t sure. 

Hyunjin called your name before you left, hesitating before he met your gaze. “I think… I think you should talk to Jisung.” He frowned. “I’m still upset with you because of Felix, but… It’s weird that you two aren’t talking at all. So…” He made his way over, opening the door to leave with you. “Talk to Jisung soon.”

You would. Regardless of how you came out on the other end, you would talk to him no matter what it took.

Jisung had his favorite studio on the music floor of the arts building. He’d penciled in his time slot at the beginning of the week, and let himself in with the code. This room was the furthest from the entrance, and it had the most comfortable chair to settle in and work in. It was always a fight to get this room, and Jisung was good at quietly stealing a few time slots for himself. He shoved his bag underneath the table, and he put himself to work. He’d need to re-record the piano track for one piece, record the guitar accompaniment for another piece he’d been working on… And plenty more that was always best suited for working here rather than home. Using digital instruments only took him so far—there was something calming about sitting down and playing a piece himself. 

It wasn’t until he was playing a piece back that he heard the door click unlocked behind him. When he looked up, there you were. You looked tired. Far more tired than he did most days. What had happened to you? 

“Hey.” You stood in the open doorway. Non-music students weren’t allowed in here, but that had never stopped you. Someone had to drag him back home when it was getting too late, after all.

He ran a hand through his hair, hoping that he looked casual enough. “Hey.”

“Everything okay?” The door slowly fell shut behind you, and you stepped a little closer to him. “It’s been a while.” 

Three weeks, but who’s counting? Jisung was. He kept counting day by day, hour by hour, trying to whittle down the time further and further until he was strong enough to face you again. “I’ve been busy,” he half-lied. “That’s all.”

“Is it?” You frowned, making your way over to the nearby chair. “If you want me to leave, you can tell me, okay? I’m worried about you.” 

Jisung let out a sigh, nodding. “I’m okay. Just…” He looked at the piece he’d been working on, and thought back to the song he’d been writing for you. “I’ve been working on a song sometimes. But…” He looked at you. Maybe you’d have the answer he was still searching for. “What would you do if you loved someone you shouldn’t?”

“Like… forbidden love?” You tilted your head curiously, frowning. “Or…?”

He chuckled, actually smiling again for the first time in a while. Oh, how he was still so endeared to you. No wonder you were still in your literature program with cute thoughts like those. “Just someone you can’t be with. Like…” He hummed to himself. It would be another lie, but it’d throw you off his trail if you were starting to figure him out. “A friend’s partner.” 

He could see the way you started to think on that, no doubt making a list of all the friends the two of you had that were dating. It’d vex your brain for a bit, sure, but Jisung didn’t mind. He liked the cute way your brows drew together when you were thinking hard, lips always pressing into this pout. 

“That’s what my song is about is all,” he said. “I haven’t experienced it myself,” he lied again, “but I was thinking about it and I wondered what kind of song that would turn into. It’s about someone who’s in love with their friend’s partner, and struggling with those feelings. Like… They wouldn’t do anything to hurt their friend, but they still can’t  help their feelings.”

You said nothing to him. Had he said too much? You were figuring him out, weren’t you…?

“I just think it’s hard to live that life,” he said. Every time he even thought about you, there was an ache in his chest. Felix liked you, too. “I mean… Imagine loving someone so much that it hurts.” 

“I can, yeah.” Your voice had gone a little quieter than usual. Right. Had you felt that way about Felix…? Or were you talking about him now? Jisung struggled more with that one, even though Hyunjin was so confident that Jisung’s feelings had never been one-sided. 

He met your gaze a minute later, shy to look into your eyes again. He’d always loved the color of your eyes. If he could write songs about how he wanted to drown in their warm, loving gaze, he would. But that was straying a little too far into territory he’d sworn away from. “I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I wanted time to figure things out, but… I think Minho would tell you I haven’t talked to most people lately.”

You nodded. “Chris said the three of you went out to a noraebang.” Your toes tapped against the floor in that nervous way, as though this was a topic you shouldn’t even come close to. “Did that help?”

Wait… You weren’t mad at him for that. “It doesn’t bother you?”

“No?” You toyed with your sleeve, not quite meeting his gaze this time. “I mean… It did sting a little bit, but if you needed Chris and Minho, then I can’t change that. All I can do is just kinda hope that they helped you.”

He didn’t deserve you. Fuck the music for now, he’d finished what he really needed to do. He began to shut down the equipment, gathering his things as he stood up, facing you. “I’ll buy dessert,” he said. “Is that okay?”

it was your turn to smile at him, lighting up his world all too easily. You followed him out of the studio, and he secured the door shut to make sure it was locked. For a moment, his hand brushed against your own, and he yearned to hold it. Another feeling he would have to get used to, he was sure. But all he could do was smile at you, thankful that you were right there by his side for the first time in weeks. 

This would be hard, but he could do it. He wasn’t going to lose you again. Not if he had anything to do with it.

Hyunjin had shown up to his apartment for once, and he stood in the doorway to his bedroom. “Jisung. Tell them.” His hand curled around the strap of his bag, clutching it tight. “Soon.” 

Minho had told him the same thing ever since the two of you started talking again. If Jisung didn’t want to pursue you, then it was time he learned to let you go. And if he did want to become something with you, then he needed to talk to you. It wasn’t fair to either of you if he held onto this dream of loving you without ever trying. If Jisung couldn’t let himself do it, then why keep hurting himself by holding onto it so tightly? Why not find a new dream to pursue, a new person to love wholeheartedly? Yet Jisung couldn’t imagine a world where he wasn’t loving you in some way. Part of his heart would live and die with you one day, no matter how far away he went. This was his fate now.

“I just got our friendship back,” he said without looking up again. “I don’t think that’s a good idea.”

“Jisung, they like you.” Hyunjin said it outright. “So you need to tell them.”

Jisung looked up. He knew you liked him. But would he ever let himself fully believe it? It felt… harder to grasp that reality. He’d spent so long telling himself that it was all in his head, that the tender look in your eyes was just you caring for him as a best friend. But Hyunjin was right. Minho had been right. Everyone who had ever told him to just go for it was right. “Hyunjin, I don’t know if I can—”

“I’m tired of watching my friends hurt,” he said. “All of us see it. Why can’t you?”

Jisung swallowed hard. “What about Felix?”

Hyunjin averted his gaze, frowning. “Felix…” He took a deep breath. “Felix would want you to be happy, Jisung. He knows, too, you know.” He took a step back. “I’m not going to push you. But you should tell them.”

He said nothing else, and soon Hyunjin left him there. Jisung shut the world out again, listening to his song as it played back to him again. One step closer. Once he finished this song, everything would be okay.

Chris Bang had always been your best friend growing up before Jisung took that title away from him. He was an older brother to you in every way except blood, and that meant he was the one who would have the hard talks with you. He’d come home with your favorite takeout in hand, setting it on the dinner table before saying he’d change out of his work clothes quickly. But you knew what was coming. There were only two reasons that Chris would buy your favorite takeout on his way home from work. You weren’t upset, which meant it was time for an adult conversation. One that you wouldn’t want to have, but needed to. Soon enough, Chris had sat across from you, having poured your drink first. 

“So I think we should talk about how you’re in love with Jisung,” Chris said as he set down the bottle. “Okay?”

You stared at him, already feeling tears well up. Everyone knew, then. If Chris knew, then there was no way the others hadn’t figured it out. “Chris…”

“It’s okay.” He took your hand in his own. It was time for the two of you to dump your feelings onto the table and sort them out right then and there together. “Let’s talk about this, okay? No more running away.”

No more running away. You breathed in deep, and slowly exhaled. Where to begin…? You weren’t sure. So much of your life had become this huge mess over the past few months, and now all those strings were tangled so tightly together that you weren’t sure you could undo the knot.

So Chris squeezed your hand before letting go, turning his attention to the bag of takeout in front of you. “I know you,” he said. “So I know you didn’t want to hurt Felix, and I know that you still don’t. But… I think it’s time you put your feelings first for once.”

“Chris…” You frowned. “It feels too soon.”

“I kinda hate saying it, but we all know now. Felix included.” He set your plate in front of you, and didn’t touch his own. All he did was watch you, waiting for you to say or do anything further. When you didn’t, he decided to continue on, “You can’t tell me that you don’t want to act now because of Felix. I asked everyone and they all said the same thing: they thought you’d liked Jisung for a while before you and Felix dated. After that, they all thought that you two were just that close.”

“We are.” 

Chris shook his head, saying your name gently this time. “You know Jisung loves you, right?”

There was a spike of pain in your chest. Not because you didn’t, but because you did. Hyunjin had all but spelled it out for you before, but seeing Jisung again that day proved it. You’d always thought you were just believing in something that wasn’t there, too afraid to toe the line between friend and more. Tears lined your eyes now, and finally ran down your cheeks as you blinked. All you could do was nod now. 

Chris already reached up to wipe away your tears. “It’s okay!” He chuckled. “You’ve gotten so soft,” he teased. “But… Why did you never tell him?”

“I was scared.” You still were, to be fair. “I didn’t know for sure before, and… Now I just don’t want to hurt Felix. I don’t think Jisung does, either.”

His gaze softened so much. Of course the two of you were still thinking of Felix. Minho had said the same thing to Chris, actually. “Felix wants you to be happy,” he said. “All of us do. If that means being with Jisung, then that’s what you should do. Felix is an adult, you know. He might be more sensitive sometimes, but he’d never hold any of this against you.” He cupped your cheek gently. “And I really, really don’t think he’d want to be the reason you two never tried.”

You could believe that easily. If Felix knew, he’d feel guilty. That you knew as fact.

“And if I’m being honest… I don’t think he’s the only reason you haven’t tried.” He pulled his hand away from your face. “So… Talk to me. What’s really stopping you?”

No running away. “What if this doesn't work out and I lose Jisung for good?”

“There’s no guarantee that will happen,” Chris said. 

“There’s no guarantee we’ll work out, either.” You frowned. “I’ve heard horror stories of friends who tried to date and it ruined everything.”

“And there’s friends who managed to go back to being friends,” Chris said. “I really think that you two wouldn’t let it tear you apart. You’ve already been through so much, you know?” 

You shifted uncomfortably in your seat. The last thing you ever wanted was to lose Jisung again. If the two of you didn’t work out, how hard would you fight for him? Would he fight for you, too…?

“The most you’ll ever have to do is get space from each other,” Chris said. “But I think you’d come back to each other.”

“I think he’s my soulmate.” You hadn’t thought before you said it, the words bursting out of you all too easily. Regardless of whether that was platonically or romantically, Jisung was someone you wanted to keep in your life forever. “But…”

“But?”

“Isn’t it too soon?” You frowned at Chris. “I mean… Felix and I—”

“If you don’t go for it now, when will you?” Chris held your hand again. “If you aren’t ready to tell him, I won’t push you to do it. Just because you confess doesn’t mean you have to rush into a relationship—it just means you’re finally being honest with each other. Go at your own pace… But don’t hold back because of everyone else, okay?” He squeezed your hand reassuringly. “The only people in this relationship would be you and Jisung. So don’t include anyone else in this decision, okay?”

With a nod, you decided to commit to giving yourself three days. One day to make up your mind for sure on whether this was the right move to make. If you were going to confess to Jisung, then you wanted to do it sooner rather than later. The second day was to figure out how you were going to tell him. Over cheesecake, or in through a song, or in the park… You still had to figure that part out, and you would. It needed to be special. 

And the third day was going to be the day you told him.

On the rooftop of Jisung’s apartment was a community garden. It brought a little greenery into the city, and it was nice to see the plants that several people often tended to— fresh herbs that Minho would sometimes pick with permission to use when he cooked, a few tomato plants that he often saw people tending to, Things that he didn’t fully understand the care of himself, but he still appreciated the efforts put into it. It was a nice space to sit and think alone sometimes, most of his friends unaware of just how often he’d come up here. He could see so much of the city here, too. He was just one person in this great big city—in the world, even, if he let his mind wander that far. And yet he’d found significance through the people he loved, in the passions he pursued. 

He’d finished his song for you late last night, and now he was left with this hollow feeling. He’d told himself over and over that this song would be it: one last thing he’d dedicate to you, and then he’d move on. But… That wasn’t how it was going to work at all. Han Jisung knew a few things now. He loved you. You loved him. The only question he had left was how to tell you.

Maybe he should have written you a love song instead. Then he’d have something, at least.

He’d brought a drink out here with him, settling at the picnic table. He used to bring you up here sometimes, stealing away from the world for a while to just exist with you. You’d share drinks together, and a few times you’d ended up rained on. Now, he just lost himself to the playlist he’d been listening to, head bobbing along to the music. He could bring you here and confess to you at sunset. Would that be romantic? He didn’t care for it being a grand gesture, as long as it was something memorable. All he wanted was a gesture that told you that he was sorry but ready to face tomorrow at your side, if you would let him be there. 

The door to the rooftop had this awful screech that he could hear through his headphones. He opened his eyes, reaching to pull them around his neck and politely greet whoever had come up here. And it was as if you’d heard his thoughts, because there you stood in the golden rays of the day. 

“Hey.” The door had slowly swung shut behind you as you made your way over to him.

He shyly smiled at you. “Hi.” Now it was his turn to ask: “Is everything okay?”

You nodded, coming to the edge of the table. “I think we should talk about us.”

“Us?” His heart almost skipped a beat at that. Did you…? 

Oh. You knew. 

“It’s nothing bad,” you had said to him, as if it could put him at ease now. “But…” You rounded the table, throwing one leg over the bench he’d been sitting on. Instead of sitting normally, you chose to straddle it, just so you could fully face him.

So he matched you, throwing one leg out and turning to fully face you. “But?”

“I’m in love with you,” you said, voice wavering ever so slightly now. “And… And you’re in love with me.” You’d begun to drum your knuckles against the wooden bench. “And… And I don’t know why neither of us said anything sooner.”

Jisung stared at you, face growing warmer. His gut instinct was to deny it, to push his feelings away. But Hyunjin’s words rang out in his head: he was tired of seeing his friends hurt. Everyone was now.

“I really wanna be honest with you, so…” You took a deep breath, shutting your eyes for just a moment to center yourself. “Hyunjin thought I was using Felix to get over you, and… I just wanted to say that I promise I wasn’t. I really did like Felix, but…”

“I didn’t think you were,” Jisung’s voice was soft, and he reached for your hands. His fingertips grazed your knuckles before he pulled his hands away. Was touching you, even in such a tiny way, too much? “I knew you liked him.”

You nodded slowly. “Good. Because…” You’d grown flustered, averting your gaze. “I.. didn’t know that it’d always be you until I kissed him.”

That time, the world seemed to stop around him. It’d… always be him? “What?” His fingers curled around the edge of the bench. “I don’t understand. What do you—” 

A moment later, your eyes met his own. “I think I’ve been looking for you in every person I’ve tried dating, and that’s why it’s never worked out.” He’d already begun to melt, but you continued on, “If you didn’t love me back, then I think maybe one day I would have moved on. But… If you don’t, then tell me, and we can pretend this conversation never happened.”

He shook his head. The last thing he wanted was to pretend he didn’t love you. Yet something ached in his chest. Felix. Even now, all he could think about was how Felix would hurt once he knew the two of you were something. “I… I want to,” he said, voice softer now. “But what about Felix?”

“Would you hesitate if Felix didn’t like me?”

He shook his head. Never. He swallowed hard, his emotions building in his chest. He’d dreamed of a day like this for so long, always pining over you night after night. He dreamed of kissing you, warm and tender, and saying all the pretty things that came to mind. And now that you were in front of him, he couldn’t help but glance at your lips again. Not yet. “I…” He paused, just to gather himself together. “I didn’t think you’d love me, you know.”

You frowned at him. “Why not?”

“You’re you,” he said. “And… And I wasn’t sure if you’d ever like me like that. I’ve always known you liked me, but love is… different.” The paint chips from the bench were flaking onto his fingers now, the same shade of red as your sweater. As his, too. “I know Felix is hurting now, but it doesn’t change how I feel about you. I thought it would, but…”

“I get it.” You nodded slowly. “I… I also kinda thought things would change. But if everyone wants us to be happy, then I think we’re the only people standing in our way.” 

He didn’t want to. Not anymore. Jisung reached forward, this time keeping his hands over your own. “I think we should stop that,” he said, voice growing quieter. His eyes had grown wetter, tears brimming the edges, and reached up to wipe them away. “Sorry—I’m getting emotional.”

“It’s okay.” You scooted forward a little, and Jisung felt his heart begin to race. You were so close he could kiss you. He wanted to kiss you. You reached up, caressing Jisung’s face. He already leaned into your touch, eyes fluttering shut for a moment as he savored the feeling. Your hands were so warm, even now. “I think I’ll always love Felix the way I love the rest of our friends. But… I love you more, Jisung. I know it’s early to say it, but… I really think it’s you.”

He opened his eyes, taking in the way the golden rays of the sun were kissing your face. Was it wrong to be a little jealous? Again, his eyes flickered down to your lips for just a second. “Can I kiss you?”

You said the only word he needed, and he leaned in to close the space between the two of you. His nose had brushed against yours for a moment, already smiling before his lips met your own. Your lips were so soft, and his hands found a home at your waist after a moment. He’d always wondered what kissing you would be like, and now it felt as though he’d finally woken up from the longest dream in his life. His eyes fluttered shut as he lost himself in this moment with you.

He’d heard stories before of what it was like to kiss someone after so much pining, after so many trials in the way. People talked of having their breath stolen from them, or being unable to breathe from how surreal it all seemed to be. Yet when he kissed you, it was as though he could finally breathe again. He had resurfaced after drowning in so much self doubt and fear for far too long, and kissing you was living. Yet he knew that if he was given the choice to drown in you, he would have done it without a second thought. As much as you’d given him life with only a kiss, filling his lungs with air, he’d follow your siren song to the depths of the ocean all too eagerly if it meant he could taste this feeling once more. You ran a hand through his hair, and he was already intoxicated by you, his body yearning for your touch more than ever before. Yet when he pulled away, something had plucked his heartstrings one by one. He let out that broken, stuttered breath that always served as a precursor for him crying. Tears rolled down his cheeks as he gazed at you, trying to commit every part of this moment to memory. 

“Jisung?” You were concerned for him even after kissing him, and he wanted to laugh. To cry. To kiss you again. “Are you okay?”

He nodded, his hands finding your own all too easily. “I love you, too.” He’d always love you. Whatever part of his heart you had, it was yours to keep regardless of where this went. “I think it’s you for me, too.” 

By the time the two of you had made it back inside, the sun had set, and Jisung had held onto your hand tightly the entire way to his apartment. He’d given up his bed for you in the past already, he’d happily do it again to make sure you had a proper night of sleep. Maybe one day he would fall asleep next to you and memorize every line and blemish on your face, but not tonight. Kissing you and saying those three little words he’d always wanted to hear you say was plenty for one day. Yet he’d kissed you one last time as he left you at his bedroom door, just to kiss you goodnight.

“Jisung?” You’d called to him as he made his way to the couch, and he’d turned to face you one more time. “Dream of me.”

Oh. Oh. His heart had skipped a beat yet again at you. This was his new reality, wasn’t it? He found himself smiling at you, that same shy, pretty smile you’d later tell him you always wanted to kiss. He’d dream of you every night if it meant he could wake up to you, too. Tonight would be the end of strife and stress and strain from not telling you how he felt. Now he had to make up for so much lost time.

And if that meant that, starting tomorrow, he would tell you exactly what you meant to him, then he’d do it. That was what you deserved, after all, and what he did, too.

taglist: @twancingyunhao @weird-bookworm @bangchansbae @laylasbunbunny @jinnie-ret @cheesemonky

[demetriandelibinaryboyfriends]

Hi, happy Miguetri Monday, what the FUCK was this look!!! WHY is he smoldering our boi Miguel Diaz!!!

Y'all I am SCREAMING. I've been on my clown shit for YEARS now being like "haha wouldn't it be funky if Demetri had a crush on/was attracted to Miguel!! Wouldn't that be wacky and wild and kind of delightful!!" but I had no real evidence for it, it was solely Vibes. Like Demetri is 40000000% gay, but usually, the only guy he checks out on the reg is Eli. Like, I always liked the idea of him being kinda into Miguel, but it was mostly just me being goofy and shipping my two favorite male characters with each other (sorry Eli ^^;).

UNTIL NOW???

Anyways, breaking news: Demetri Alexopoulos is bestiesexual! The only way in the world to get him to be into you is to be a boy and be his bestie (yes, I AM implying he does not genuinely romantically like Yasmine at all, but that's a rant for another post). And just being a casual friend will not do--you MUST be intensely ride-or-die through the thick and thin to unlock The Horny.

I also have a headcanon (that I honestly can't decide if it's more heartbreaking or hilarious) that Demetri has had an on-and-off crush on Miguel for the entire series, and it tends to activate/intensify when he thinks he's too deep in Eli's friendzone or has otherwise completely lost his chance with Eli. Like back in S1, he lowkey seems to be crushing on Miguel to the point where he's a little O____o when Miguel invites Sam to join their pig dissection group XD Prolly because he was like "WELL Eli is definitely definitely DEFINITELY never gonna see me that way, or else he woulda said something by now...but this new guy, tho? 👀👀👀MAYBE IT'S NOT TOO LATE TO BE GAY WITH HIM--"

And then shit gets so intense with Eli and Miguel dates so many girls that Demetri kinda forgets his crush for a while. He's got bigger concerns, and Miguel probably doesn't swing that way anyhow! And THEN he gets Eli back, and things are looking up, and--

What's this??? Eli wants to "explore his options" for college??? Well maybe I'LL explore my options for DATING then!!!! I am checking out The Goods, Eli, and The Goods are fine as hell, and maybe MIGUEL would treat me right, and maybe it's not too late for Miguel to come out as bi and also totally into me--

(DEEPLY funny because it's like. Boy be so fr right now! Your rebound crush is a guy in a committed het relationship who you have even LESS chance with than the homoerotic best friend who spurred all this in the first place???

Then again, Demetri has a history of getting "safety crushes" on people he views as completely unattainable, so...this is nothing new XD)

ANYWAYS, IN SUMMARY

[hyunfilms]

blue side of the sky (lmh) | nine.

♡ spotify playlist | series masterlist

—summary: waking up after 3 months with no recollection of your past, your friends do what they can to help you remember. except, they omit an important piece to the puzzle - afraid you would remember the heartbreak and hurt all over again.

—pairing: lee know x f. reader

—genre: (18+) exes to lovers, bestfriends to lovers au | fluff, angst, (eventual) smut

—word count: 3.4k

—chapter content/warnings: somewhat of another filler bcos ch.10 gonna be quite the ride 😫 but more focused on oc x minho getting closer and cuter!! cussing/mature language, mentions of alcohol consumption / intoxication / hangovers (not oc), lots of text exchanges lol sorry, oc getting back into the world!

"I feel like I'm still hungover." Jisung says over the phone, pretending to gag. You laugh a bit and shake your head, kicking off the dirt on the bottom of your shoes before entering the pottery classroom.

"Yeah, you were a mess." 

"Was I really?"

"Kinda? You plopped onto the bed and fell asleep in such a weird position."

"Was I loud?" 

"A bit."

☁︎ FLASHBACK | NIGHT AT THE HOTEL

"Cielo!" You hear Jisung's voice through the room door. "Cieloooo, I can't find the keycard thingy." He laughs. "Cieloooooo!" He repeats loudly in a sing-song tone. You let out a small yawn as you step out of bed and hurriedly help your bestfriend into the room. 

"Ji, people are sleeping."

"Sorry! Oop—" He yells, then switches up to a loud whisper. "Sorry! I'm just soooo glad to see you."

"I am too." You chuckle. "How are you feeling?" He smiles, stumbling his way into the room and onto the bed. He plops down face-first, body laid sideways as he mumbles into the sheets and tosses his hat to the floor.

"Think I'm pretty drunk, the world feels all loopy. Unless.. am I in the upside down? You know, that weird, dark place in the show Stranger Things? Looks like it'd smell bad." He hiccups and kicks off his shoes.

"You're not." You sleepily giggle.

"You sure? Kinda feels like it—"

"You should get yourself comfy, pachi. And drink some water." You place a water bottle on the nightstand and let out another yawn. "You're gonna be okay, right? Should I call Minho?"

"Ew, god no. Don't call him." He whines. "Please Don't call Minho. He's going to yell at me and shit. I'm the fun one between us two." You chuckle and slip back into bed. "Beeeeesides, I-I said I was fine." He hiccups again.

"Prove it by getting changed and getting into bed."

"Fine. Ugh." He groans as he groggily gets up and stumbles against the wall, grabbing his pajamas from the end of the bed before walking into the bathroom. A few items drop in there, followed by Jisung's tiny complaints to himself. You finally hear the sink turn on, signaling that Jisung was brushing his teeth and getting freshened up for bed. He swings the door open and shuts off the lights, tossing his clothes onto his suitcase before jumping back into his position on the bed. "Happy?" His face is planted sideways on the sheets, so you can see when he shuts his eyes the moment exhaustion begins to take over his body.

"Just want you comfortable, Ji." You snap a photo as you sink back into bed and send it to Minho. Just as Jisung starts to hum to himself and slowly drift to sleep, Minho responds to your text.

you: he's home!

minho: jeez, look at him

minho: still don't wanna switch? 😅

you: haha no, it's okay. he's about to fall asleep. thank you though. ☺️

minho: alright. just call me if he starts being gross and throws up.

you: hope not! don't worry. thanks minho. goodnight!

minho: goodnight y/n.

☁︎ END

"Cielo, be honest." Jisung whines a bit. "I couldn't even ask yesterday because I needed to sleep on the way back. I would've thrown up." You giggle.

"It's fine. You were okay, and you were safe. That's all that matters."

"Also, how the hell did Minho know I was slumped? He was on another floor."

"I just let him know you were home, that's all."

"With a picture?!"

"Proof." You shrug to yourself as you put your bag down. "Well, I'm here."

"Good. Have fun, cielo. Let me know when you're ready?"

"I can take the train and bus back."

"You can, but I also don't want you to overexert yourself again."

"Hm." You hum. "Okay. I'll text you."

"Cool." And with that, you hang up and prepare yourself for today's class. Though, it is hard to focus because you find yourself reminiscing about the weekend's festivities.

It was fun.

It was nice to be surrounded by loved ones.

It felt normal.

And although you were glad to spend that time with everyone, you were especially glad to finally have some time with Minho. He's been such a mystery. Not that you wanted to force anything between you two, but you were hoping to talk to him. Get to know him, understand him.

Be his bestfriend in one way or another.

It felt weird? Incomplete.

So, that was nice.

It felt normal.

As class goes on, you continue to work on a few household items— a mug, plate, bowl. You're starting to feel more comfortable, as if the muscle memory was stringing along right at your fingertips. You felt content with today's class, and you were excited to head back to the floral shop to play around with more arrangements you've had in mind. 

When class unfortunately comes to an end, you take your time cleaning up your area before grabbing your things and brushing yourself down. You wave at your instructor before clutching into your tote bag, making your way out of the store and towards the floral shop.

It wasn't busy.

"Um, hi." You approach the counter shyly with a few different, smaller bouquets and small plants. "I'm not sure if you remember me—"

"Of course, I do! How could I forget that pretty face?" The lady chuckles. "How did your bouquet arrangement turn out, love? Ready for more I see." You chuckle and approach the counter, placing down the small bouquets in your arms.

"I think I did alright." You show her a picture just as she's ringing you up. 

"Wow, you really have an eye for colors and that monstera leaf in the back? What a great touch." She smiles.

"You think so?"

"I mean it." She looks at you. "You're hired." She laughs it off as a joke, which makes you feel a little shy knowing you actually came to see if she was hiring.

"Actually.." She tilts her head to look at you while you hand her some cash. "I did want to ask if you were hiring. I haven't worked in quite some time, but I can be of help if you needed." She softly smiles and nods.

"I would love that, but I wouldn't be able to pay you well. It's just little ol' me running this shop." She nervously chuckles.

"It's okay. I just.. want to be out of the house, doing things I enjoy again." She cocks up a brow, afraid to ask what you mean— but you give her a quick, vague explanation anyway. "I got into a car accident and I was in the hospital for awhile." She gives you a sympathetic look, making you shake your head in return. "I'm okay. I just want to keep moving forward."

"Can you start tomorrow then? 9am." You give her a soft, toothless smile and nod just as a couple walks into the shop. "We can talk a little bit more about details."

"I can." You step back and acknowledge her once more with another nod. "I will see you tomorrow. Thank you." You feel silly accepting the job when you don't even know her name, but she picks up on this quick— smiling at you before she finally reveals what you've been thinking about for the past few minutes:

"Mrs. Pak." 

"Mrs. Pak." And with that, you walk out of the shop. You check your surroundings once more to see how busy it is at this time of day. It's a colder day; the sun is out, but the wind is a bit stronger than usual. Not too many people are walking around and it feels quiet than other days.

You head down towards Sunday Morning to quickly pop in for a visit just to see how everyone was doing. You figured it might be slow since there wasn't heavy foot traffic happening. Besides, you haven't heard much from Minho since the weekend and you wonder if he's okay.

Your mind wanders to him, lately.

Surprisingly, it is actually empty in the store. There's a notice on the front door that lists special hours for the next few days. You check your phone and realize you have 10 minutes before the café closes for today. You pop in anyway, catching Minho wiping away at the front counter. He looks up when he sees someone walk in through his peripherals, slowing his pace when he realizes it's you.

Yet again.

Which, he's relieved— let's get that straight. If it were anybody else, he'd shoo them away even if he had 10 minutes left until closing. He wasn't in the mood to deal, no.

But with you, he'd always make an exception.

"Y/N, hey." Minho tosses the rag to the side. "What can I get you?"

"Oh no." You chuckle as you walk towards him. "I'm sorry, I know you're pretty much closed and I don't mean to barge in. I just wanted to say hi and see how everyone was doing.. but you're alone?"

"Ah, so you came for JJ and Soobin." You laugh and shake your head.

"I came for you, mainly. If that makes you feel any better." He laughs a bit.

"I'm kidding. But, it does make me feel a bit better." 

"You've been quiet since the wedding."

"Well, it's JJ's turn to leave. It's my aunt's birthday, so he's out of town to celebrate." You nod. 

"That explains why you're closing early for the next few days."

"Mhm. I have workshops to teach."

"I see."

"Soobin left not too long ago." 

"I'll catch him next time then. I'm glad you're doing okay."

"I'm alright." He looks at you. "Did you have fun over the weekend? Besides Jisung being loudly drunk and annoying?" You laugh.

"It was fun."

"It was."

"Thanks again for walking with me that night."

"Course." His eyes linger on you for a little longer than you're used to and it makes you shy. "You sure you don't want anything?"

"No." You shake your head. "I should probably call Ji to come pick me up—"

"I mean.. I'm closing soon so I can take you home. I have enough time before class. Plus, not that I care much for him but it'll save him a trip." He shrugs as he teases.

"Are you sure?"

"To what, both? Yeah." You giggle. "Just let me finish cleaning these down and we'll be out of here, okay?"

"Alright." You watch as Minho officially flips the 'open' sign to 'closed.' "Thank you, Minho."

"No problem." He gives you a toothless smile before proceeding with his cleaning.

you: minho said he can take me home

jisung: why is he abandoning his café

jisung: doesn't he have shit to make, errr whatever?

you: stop. lol. JJ is out of town so he's closing the café earlier for the next few days.

jisung: ahhh i see

jisung: what about his dance class?

you: he said it's fine

jisung: arrrrright then

jisung: you sure you're good? i'm just wrapping something up

you: yeah i am, i'll go with him. why? you sound unsure?

jisung: nah. sorry cielo, i just wanted to make sure it was okay.

you: it is, promise. i'll text you when i get home?

jisung: mmkay, sounds good!

"Alright." Minho says, coming out of the back as he unties his apron and hangs it up. "Ready?" He shuts off the lights to the back and double checks everything on the counter.

"Whenever you are." You give him a small smile. He starts to lead the way, checking his surroundings before shutting off the lights and locking the front door. "Were you and Soobin okay today?"

"Yeah. We have someone else come in from time to time, but she has limited availability cause of school." You nod.

"That's good you have more help." You let Minho lead you to his car, allowing him to open the door for you. You slip in and buckle yourself in, silently waiting for Minho to settle into the driver's seat. It's quiet for awhile, even as his music starts to softly play in the background. "Wait, this won't be a trip for you since you have to get back into town for class?"

"No." He shakes his head. "I don't mind the drive. Kinda a stress reliever."

"Alright then." You chuckle.

"Did you tell Jisung?"

"Yeah." Minho slowly nods. "I think he felt bad, he kept asking if I was sure. Or, if you were okay with it." Minho knows it's not that— maybe 2% of it, actually. The other 98%? Jisung being overprotective and trying to shield you from him. But, can Minho blame him? 

Yes and no?

He'll expect the questions later, even if Jisung tries to beat around the bush about it.

"It's fine. He's probably worried I'll end up beating his ass for it." You chuckle.

"You won't right?"

"No." He smirks a bit. "Not yet."

"Minho." You whine a bit.

"I'm kidddddding." He elongates his response. "It's really not a problem. I don't mind the drive, I told you."

"Okay. You said so." You shrug a bit, making him laugh. It's cute. You were always worried about Jisung because that boy had a tendency to be way too impulsive, on top of already chaotic. He was a recipe for disaster growing up. But, it was never to this extent, where you're whining and showing off those puppy eyes. "Guess what?" You turn to him and Minho cocks a brow up.

"Hm?"

"I got a job at the floral shop."

"Down the street from the café?" You nod. "Nice. You feel ready for it?" 

"I think so. It'll be fun. At least, I think it will be."

"It will. You'll be doing what you love. You're good at what you do, Y/N."

"Am I?" You giggle.

"You are. You have always been." Minho says, avoiding eye contact. He still remembers your drawings he's stashed away. The random paintings, the little sculptures and figurines you'd make him in Ceramics class. He still has it. He could never toss it out.

"I hope I get there again."

"You will. Baby steps. Any progress is progress."

"Right." 

"You'll be fine, Y/N."

"Thanks, Minho." You yawn a bit as you look out the window. The rest of the ride is quiet, but it's a comfortable silence. Minho looks over every now and then, a tiny smile forming at the corners of his lips before he returns his attention to the road.

It's you.

You're here.

You're breathing.

It's you.

Suddenly, your phone dings on your lap and Minho can't help but quickly glance over. He sees you smile a bit before unlocking your phone, clicking on the message to respond right away. Minho nibbles on his bottom lip while he watches you every now and then in his peripherals, probably sending off messages to one other person he can think of—

san: how'd it go?!

you: it went well! i got it. ☺️

san: i knew you would, i think she really adored you from the beginning. lol. how couldn't she?

you: lol ya right!

san: you'll be a big help to her. 😊 let's hang out soon, celebratory dinner or something? on me.

you: you spoil me too much, lol. but sure! that'll be fun.

san: nah, it's nothing. let's go this upcoming week. lmk when you're free after you get your schedule or something.

you: okay. ☺️

san: 😊 have a good evening, y/n.

You finally shut off your phone and start looking out the window again, giving Minho some relief as he continues to drive off.

"Everything okay?" He asks to play it off.

"Mhm!" You look at him with that look, one that could make him immediately melt. "San was asking how it went at the floral shop. He wants to hang out soon to celebrate."

"Do you hang out often?"

"We have, from time to time. He calls a lot to check on me."

"Hm. That's nice." Is all he says. It's all he has to say. Respectfully.

"Yeah." You chuckle a bit to yourself before looking back out at the window, resting your head against the side. Minho thinks you're probably trying to offset the slight motion sickness with the way you shut your eyes for a bit. Luckily, you don't have much longer until you're home.

Sooner or later, Minho is arriving at your house and a huge wave of nostalgia washes over him again. He sets the car in park, watching as you unbuckle your seatbelt and gather your things.

"Thanks for bringing me home, Minho." You look at him softly. "I appreciate it."

"Course." He gives you a toothless smile. "Do you need help?" 

"Ah, no. I'll be okay." You giggle. "Have fun at class? You should really get some rest."

"I'll try." 

"Good." You give him a smile before shutting the door and making your way towards the side of the house. Just as you reach the side gate, you turn to give Minho one last wave before stepping inside. Minho drives off contently, unsure of this lingering feeling of emptiness he's been experiencing since that night of the hotel.

Since every night after the accident.

But, since that night at the hotel especially.

Before he can even dig deeply into his feelings, his phone vibrates and lights up in the middle console. He's hoping it's a text from you, thinking you probably forgot something, thinking you just want to thank him for the ride again.

It's not.

kat: hey, wanna swing by? i think we should talk about the last time you came by. i'm sorry.

He feels everything within him drop to the pit of his stomach, energy drained and mood soured. He quickly thinks about that night at Kat's and how she had the audacity to bring you up with that specific tone. 

No.

minho: i appreciate that, but i don't think i'll be coming by. too tired.

kat: oookay.. kinda hate how weird you've been towards me

minho: sorry, just lots going on. jj's gone so i have to hold down the fort for the café

kat: i see. alrighty then, goodnight minho.

Minho debates on saying goodnight back, but he doesn't. And if it's one thing this conversation showed him— it's the fact that he's done. 

This is done.

☁︎ FLASHBACK | A WEEKEND DURING SOPHOMORE YEAR IN COLLEGE

"I have something for you." You sit in Minho's passenger seat with your hands tucked into your jacket, a huge smile breaking out on your face.

"What is it?" Minho cocks a brow up while chuckling at you.

"Close your eyes! Please. Close your eyes." Minho groans a bit but does as he's told. "Yay, thank you!" You giggle, holding the tiny gift in the palm of your hand for a second. You watch as he sighs a bit, the impatience starting to take over bit by bit.

"Y/N?"

"Oops, I forgot it." You joke.

"You can't be serious—" He whines with his eyes still closed.

"Kidding! I wouldn't do that!"

"I wouldn't put it past you."

"Hey!" You say before adjusting your position in his seat. "Here." He opens his eyes, watching as you hand him the little Pusheen looking figurine you made him in ceramics. 

"Aw." Minho laughs. "How cute is this? The eye is lopsided."

"No the fuck it's not! How dare you!"

"Dude, look at it." 

"You're such a dick." Minho laughs louder and shakes his head. 

"I'm kidding, babe. It's cute, I love it. Thank you." He smiles brightly at you before gently grabbing at your wrist to pull you over the console. He places a kiss on your cheek, before moving to the tip of your nose, to your lips. You giggle in between, making Minho repeatedly peck you with more small kisses. 

"I'm glad you like it. It was a random thing I made in between."

"Of course I do. I'll put this on my desk, where I can see it every single day. Okay?"

"Kay." You laugh before giving him one last kiss. "I should probably go, my uncle is probably wondering where I'm at."

"Do you really have to go home this weekend?" You chuckle.

"I need to spend time with my grandparents, so yes. I'll be back tomorrow evening!"

"That's too far." He furrows his brows, making you softly smack his forehead with a laugh.

"I'll be back before you know it. You have Chan, Seungmo and Jisung! Make sure Jisung doesn't do dumb shit." You start to unbuckle your seatbelt. "Thanks for driving me home, babe." He smiles. "I love you!"

"I love you, too." He says. "Hey, wait?" You look back just as you step out of the car. "One more for the road?" He smirks before puckering his lips. You lean down and give him one last kiss before shoving him away by the forehead, earning a loud laugh from Minho as you shut the door and walk off. You wave him goodbye just as you step to your front door, unlocking it and stepping inside— giving Minho the clear to drive off.

☁︎ END

♡ taglist: @ppiri-bahng @jihanlovic @meloncremesoda @sweetlikecherry @hoes4lino @skzddicted @skzho @edgaralienpoe @harui-zen @bestleeknowstan @havenwithleeknow @septicrebel @heesdazed @borahae-reads @yoontaethings @pearbunny @bintificreads @lukeys-giggle @ajxreads @everglowdaisies @allaboutsan @endzii23 @leeknowsramen @heres-your-ramen2000 @morningstardada @mal-lunar-28 @downbadreading @lilysophie @feelikecinderella @urmomma0324 @ddazed-lhs @djeniryuu @melanctton @i8rsie @maru-matt @sleepyleeji @taerifin @nattisbored @jisunglyricist @m111nho @drhsthl @nixtape-foryou @arminseas @guiltycoco @syuuji @sulkygyu @cadihyo @reianagarcia @leeknowyah @smndjdufuehr [bold = couldn’t tag 🥺]

[l-lou-u]

How about we do some analysis as a first post ?

THIS WILL CONTAIN SPOILERS FOR SEASON 2 (hidden inventory and premature death arcs)

I love everything about this visual, the composition is absolute genius.

Hope you enjoyed those words because now we’ll dive into why this poster is heartbreaking.

(Please forgive me if I make mistakes, English is not my first language)

Now I know a lot of person think it’s so happy, maybe even too happy for some, but when you analyse it’s composition it really is heart wrenching.

I see a lot of people say that it looks like Gojo and Geto hold hands at first (and that would be sweet, even in a platonic way (I don’t ship them lol)) but it wouldn’t make sense. Gojo is running, sprinting even, whereas Geto is standing, hands in his pockets and feet secured on the ground, if there were to be holding each others, Geto would fall face first on the ground haha

No, Geto is standing, next to a running Gojo, slightly turned to his right, where Riko is. Riko who is falling towards him and maybe even reaching out for him to catch her.

See where I’m going ?

Gojo is moving forward, without a look back, breaking every obstacles on his way, smiling thinking his best friend is next to him. And he is, but that will not last.

Geto is not moving, like he was unable to move forward after Riko’s death. So there he is, enjoying the brief, temporary moment where he is with his friends. And each one of them is still innocent, and joyful, doomed to be separated, because if you’re careful, they are unknowingly running away from the blue spring, not knowing it would be their last one. The bright sky is behind them and they’re entering some sort of building (?), leaving behind them the blue spring along with their innocence.

This whole scene is not meant to last, soon, Geto will be left standing with Riko in his arms, and with Toji responsible for her death, unable to move forward, and Gojo will keep going (and I am NOT saying he forgot Riko and Geto, ofc he never did, just saying he kept going with his life as best as he could)

And of course, how could I not talk about Toji. I kinda think he looks a bit goofy in the shadow, upside down, with one hand in his (dirty) hair and the other on his hip but anyway.

Toji is standing behind, without any of them aware of his presence despite him being pretty close, or at least not too far.

Like Kuroi, he could be there because he is frequently present in this arc (and has a big impact obviously) but lets push our analysis (I hope I’m not reaching too much)

As I said, Toji doesnt seem too far away when you compare him with Kuroi.

Simple thing first, Gojo doesn’t notice him at all, could be a hint to say that he doesn’t have any cursed energy.

His presence could also symbolizes Geto’s upcoming problems, let me explain :

Geto’s morals were incompatible with his job as an exorcist, so he was going to break down at some point. But of course he didn’t know that, he didn’t know his morals were going to fuck him up. He accidently ignored it, but it’s here, it always have been, like Toji is standing in his back without him knowing.

I love the composition so damn much, its just so well thought, I just know this season is going to be great

I enjoyed writing this, I don’t know if that will reach anyone, but it was fun anyway, please, share your thoughts in the comments

Now I’ll try to post regularly

[atopearth]

White Album 2 Part 9 - Coda (Kazusa True End)

I am finally up to Kazusa's True End!! Anyway, it was nice to see Kazusa's perspective, just as Kazusa sleeps defencelessly, so does Haruki lol. Knowing that Kazusa left a recording for Haruki telling him to go to the concert so she could give up on him and all the other stuff made me realise even more that this concert was very very important to Kazusa. She steeled herself with conviction towards their relationship, her hope for the future in piano and with Haruki and convinced herself to do the best performance she could for Haruki and Setsuna but they both didn't come, how could she not be devastated? I'm glad to finally see Haruki break and let Kazusa realise how he probably does love her. Considering how Haruki's first thoughts when Takeya and them congratulated him on his engagement was Kazusa's feelings, it's obvious where his heart lies, but it's cruel for him to keep dragging this on. I guess one of the reasons I like Kazusa so much is because I can relate to her feelings of being too afraid to go forward but also being too afraid to give up so you're just stuck in the same place forever knowing that you can't go back but not having enough courage to continue. Haruki confessing his love to Kazusa after calling her out for being terrible and useless as a human being just felt so fitting haha, I couldn't help but want to cry. She really is helpless and as I've said before, Haruki could never abandon her and I could never as well, I will always choose Kazusa and I will always love her more than Setsuna, just as Haruki does. The moment Haruki chose to propose to Setsuna with uncertain feelings, it was deemed that he would have to suffer the consequences whether it would be the breakdown of Kazusa or Setsuna. Even though I feel bad for Kazusa considering how difficult it must be and how difficult it must feel to think that she's basically ruining Haruki's "perfect life" because he's choosing to give up everything for her, but really, he did this to himself and should accept responsibility for proposing to Setsuna in such an insincere way.

I'm actually quite glad that Haruki asked her to make a choice between choosing to live on by herself or to be with him, because in the end, this is their choice. Just as he will have to live with the consequences, Kazusa will also have to live with this choice and she needs to decide whether she thinks it's worth it and whether she can take it, and if she is willing to live with regret too regardless of the choice. Sometimes I wish that Haruki and Setsuna never got back together properly, then this wouldn't hurt Setsuna as much but it is what it is. I kinda wish Setsuna's True End was set here instead, because I can see Haruki choosing Setsuna instead of Kazusa at this point of the "last date" because he is once again confronted with how much he loves Setsuna and how great she is towards him. But I guess it wouldn't be dramatic if we don't dump Setsuna cruelly lol😅 The flashbacks were difficult to sit through considering Haruki's resolve back then and now. It actually broke my heart to see how emotional Hamada was over Haruki resigning, and I think it was worse because Haruki really saw himself working here for the rest of his life and I'm sure Hamada saw that too and that's why he was so frustrated that Haruki wouldn't give him a reason considering how long they've worked together. It was heartbreaking to watch, especially since it's so hard to find a superior that cares about you so much. With Touma Youko putting it like that, it really is hitting me how much Haruki has to sacrifice to be with Kazusa. He is literally giving up on his life to protect hers, and Youko's right, he will be able to protect Kazusa but Kazusa isn't strong enough to protect him so life will be very very difficult for him from now on, especially since he will lose all his friends, his job and the country he's familiar with. I know I like to give Haruki a lot of crap for his decisions, but when he says something like all he needs is Kazusa by his side and he'll be fine, he doesn't need her to protect him and she can just sit next to him playing get piano all day and he'll be able to take care of everything, I can't help but want to cry. Haruki might not be very strong especially when someone like Setsuna babies him, but when it comes to Kazusa, he always steps up to do whatever he can to protect her. Honestly, shameless as it is, if I was Kazusa, I would stay in Japan even if it hurts Setsuna. There's nothing more important than being beside your mother whom you love in your last moments and supporting her when she needs it most.

Even though I don't particularly like Io and she's definitely wrong about Kazusa, but I really don't blame her because she's seen how Setsuna has been throughout the years so of course she's on her side. However, unlike Haruki and the others, I personally can't really ever forgive Setsuna for making a move on Haruki back in high school knowing Kazusa liked him and then forcing all three of them to be together because she liked it that way. Yeah, Setsuna doesn't deserve this right now, but Kazusa didn't deserve having to suffer through that either, I'll never forget how Setsuna acted like a victim on the rooftop crying to Kazusa basically forcing her to accept their new relationship when she knew and was positive of Kazusa's feelings. I admit that Haruki didn't present himself in a great way (not that he was trying to since he was ready to take all their hatred and lose their friendship) but he didn't deserve the disdain from Io. She may not agree with his choices and she has all the right to hate him and not be his friend anymore but seeing her berate him really hurt and I'm really glad Takeya protected Haruki. I actually cried because Takeya was willing to go against Io for Haruki. He always tries his best to protect Io but I'm so happy that Takeya always chooses Haruki if he has to choose between protecting one. He's the only one who understands Haruki's weak side and the only one who always does his best to support him and care for him when he's emotionally distraught. I think what irks me the most is how everyone sees Setsuna as this angelic being that has done nothing wrong when she's been frustrating too. I do agree that Haruki was the root of all problems considering he cheated on her but they also have to understand that Setsuna also caused a lot of these things to happen. Honestly, the more they say that Haruki is making the wrong choice by letting such a good woman go, the more I cheer for Haruki because I feel like for once, he is finally choosing for himself who he truly loves. Back in high school, he went with Setsuna because she confessed to him. When they got back together in university, alot of it was due to Takeya and Io constantly pushing them both to get back together rather than they themselves truly desiring to be together. I feel like they would have benefited from a true break from each other rather than being together but not together for so many years tbh. Anyway, it sucks that because they aren't Haruki, they will never be able to truly see how he can choose Kazusa, but at the same time, this isn't something an outsider will ever truly be able to understand and accept. I won't even deny that I'll probably be the same as them as cheating is never something truly forgivable.

I think the disappointment and anger of Setsuna's parents really made me falter though, because if Setsuna was my daughter, I would probably want to hit Haruki haha. Considering how Setsuna's parents are, I guess they couldn't do it, but I felt bad for Takahiro because he really trusted Haruki and yet he hurt Setsuna like this. It might be funny for me to say this, but I personally love the Setsuna that honestly expresses her feelings, her selfishness, her grief and her thoughts the most. She always feels so much more real and understandable, and it's really in those times when I'm on her side😅 I feel bad for Kazusa though. She feels helpless towards Haruki's decision of giving up everything and feels like she can barely console him when his life is falling apart for her. It's ultimately his decision but knowing that you're the cause will always hurt. One thing I'm very glad about is that Haruki isn't using sex to escape from his feelings like he usually does. Anyway, I binged the rest because I was getting tired of it all lol. I guess it just became too dramatic for my liking. I could deal with Kazusa planning to ruin her hands to atone for "stealing" Haruki but I honestly have to say, it's so dramatic you would think it's the end of the world for everyone, and maybe it does feel like that, but it isn't, because people should be living for themselves. Anyway, I think the memory thing with Setsuna irked me the most along with the getting hit by a car thing, like seriously can we stopp is all I could think about sorry, like I know it was supposed to show how in the end, Setsuna will always prioritise Haruki and Kazusa's feelings more than anything else but yeah, I was honestly tired. It's just frustrating because I really enjoyed how the story navigated through everyone's thoughts, reactions and emotions towards the break up, but I found Setsuna and Kazusa's roles and emotions quite lacking even though they're the main people involved lol. Youko is such a kind and sweet mother, I really want to believe she'll live to 99 and get to watch over Kazusa. It was nice to see Setsuna sing and play the guitar but yeah I do have to think this ending was underwhelming especially since as usual, Kazusa herself really takes the back seat in her own route and ending. Despite the fact that Haruki chose her, the whole ending barely felt like it was about her and instead was more focused on the consequences of choosing her which I still enjoyed of course but I wanted more Kazusa moments to make me think yeah this might be the wrong choice, but this will always be the choice we decide on because she is worth it. I really felt that when we were at the scene after she broke down after Haruki didn't go to the first concert. Honestly though, I just wanted a bit more time with Kazusa because I felt like we were deprived of it.

Overall, I liked Kazusa True but I feel like it had a lacking conclusion, or I guess more of a lacking representation or showing of their relationship? It's like after all the drama, we never really got to see how happy they were with their choices, like we see the conclusion of it but we don't really see much of the relationship itself. However, what I really enjoyed and what was done really well was Haruki's indecision towards whether he was really ready to give up on everything for Kazusa, and then when he made that decision, we could really see the consequences of those actions. We saw his life slowly fall apart as he lost every single thing that was a part of his life and that he loved and we got to see the reactions of all the people important to him when he made this choice. Honestly, the "break up" with Takeya hurt the most and made me cry even though I think picking Kazusa is what Haruki would have chosen, but I do have to admit that him just basically taking care of Kazusa as a manager of the agency overseas felt very underwhelming, I guess it's true that if he picks Kazusa, his life literally just revolves around her which I find rather boring since I feel like he has dreams for himself that he should pursue and that aspect of it makes me think being with Setsuna really is the "ideal path" as they say because it truly depicts a normal and successful life where he has a beautiful and supportive wife with a growing career and just living as "you should" rather than on your desires and what you cherished in the past. Anyway, it was a good route but I have to admit that the romance wasn't what moved me, but instead the emotions of all the side characters.

[misfitclassismyfreetherapy]

Iruma's Bi Awakening (+ tiny bit Iruma Angst)

.

.

~

IRUMA POV

( I also included Lied and Iruma friendship moments in here because I love them)

My head is spinning like circles recently. Many things happen after the heartbreaker. I somehow have this strange feeling in my chest like my stomach is about to explode. When Atori-sensei pulled me.. I felt... despaired. Who knows what could happen if Ojii-san didn't save me...

...

If I was to lose my friends,my family I will..

(I made this in 15 minutes and I was rushing and I fucking forgot the feather - so give me a break)

"IRUMA-KUN!"

Lied-kun called out my name with a slightly annoyed but mostly worried face. " Are you listening to me? " Lied-kun said with an annoyed tone. Oh god, I spaced out too much.

Me and Lied were in the Royal One alone because everyone had plans with their masters and Robin-sensei and Master was unavailable. We were hanging out in the gaming room.

Lied-kun sighed. " Nevermind, Iruma-kun you said we're friends right? Friends care for eachother right? You can always talk to me if you ever feel uncomfortable. But if you want to keep it to yourself, its fine also." It's such a simple sentence yet so reassuring.

"Thanks Lied-kun." I smiled sincerely. His face shows signs of relief. Then he showed me his devi-phone. " You should join the Akudol Community !" I was slightly confused " Akudol Community..?"

I looked at his devi-phone more closer and saw a bunch of fanart, commentary, fanfics of akudols. "You know your "marriage"with Kuromu crashed the community. Look!" as he shoved his phone in my face.

I pushed his hand slightly away and saw post like " WTD KUROMU LIKE IRUMI THERE GETTING MARRIED- I"M HAVING A MELTDOWN SIGDKLJGSGFHKK". I felt so awful I made a person had a meltdown? Oh god.

"There are about 400+ post like this at that time." He scrolled down and looked at me again. "Oh and your Irumeanie phase made multiple people question their sexuality." I choked.

"What?"

Then I saw post like " Irumeanie makes me questions my sexuality." and " I used to think I don't like girls but Irumeanie exist and just completely make me question again." I covered my face with embarrassment. He smirked and snickered at my reaction.

"Anyways do you want to join?" he moved a finger from my face to see my expression. "...Sure."

.

TIMESKIP

I sat in my room with my phone in front of me. I picked up my phone and slowly scrolled down my face slowly heat up as I saw the post that Lied-kun showed me and there are also some akudols that I met on the Akudol Games. I clicked on the search bar and wrote @No.1GyariFan and pressed the follow button.

~Flashback~

"But I don't know how to make an account."I said with concerned. I only been in the Netherworld for a year and I never had a normal childhood so I don't know how this even work.

"Don't worry,I'll help you to make your account if you follow my account or if you call me Onii-chan!" he smirked at me then winks.

"I'll take up the first offer, thank you." I prefer if I'm the older brother in this situation. "Oh come on!" his tone was annoyed. I laughed at his remark.

~Flashback ended~

I snapped out of my imagination when I noticed a notification on my account. I smiled when I saw Lied's account.

No.1GyariFan: Iruma-kun! Hey! My little brother!

BlueSunshine💙: Hello Lied-kun! But you're the little brother.

He took a while to respond to my text. I was quite happy honestly that Lied-kun helps me with this stuff. It feels like I genuinely have a sibling. I looked at his message.

No.1GyariFan: I would argue but I honestly am too devi-tired. Anyways, have you seen the new akudol that demons are talking about?

BlueSunshine💙: No?

No.1GyariFan: Oh, yeah. It's kinda annoying. I'll admit he is good-looking but he's way too popular..😒

BlueSunshine💙:Haha 😅 I don't know how he looks like tho. Can you send a picture?

No.1GyariFan: Sure.

No.1GyariFan sended a picture

BlueSunshine💙: .

No.1GyariFan: Iruma? Hello? Are you there?

~Witness Iruma's Bi Panic~

Why is my heart pounding so much?

Why is my face heating up? It's not something embarassing. He's so.. endearing and cute?

I had these feeling before but never this much.. and it's a boy..

Oh god I can't stop thinking of how cute he is.. I'm acting like a fanboy right now...

Is this what Lied-kun feels with Gyari? Is this how it feels like to be starstruck?

( I forgot the thing AGAIN )

*You know what, he doesn't wear the feather thing all the time, he sometimes takes it off. I'll just make a headcannon so I don't have to draw that shit.*

My first Akudol crush...is a boy...?

ENDING

~Authors note:

So there my first fanfic. It ain't the best I know but I also drew 3 fucking drawings so.. you can tell I lost motivation halfway through the fanfic. I will do a proper character introduction for my oc next time.

.

.

~

Claire has logged off

[hyunjinspark]

I DONT KNOW WHERE TO START this chapter wow wow My baby yn doesn’t deserve this 😭 but i totally get how she feels heartbreaks are shitty and moving on is shittier especially if it’s from a relationship that never happened cuz the “why not me ? what if? “ hurts so much also when yn was telling minnie and jamie about the situation with hyunjin …it really made him look like an asshole i had to stop and think about it for a second. hyunjin is a real asshole here. KAIRI AND YN being friends made me sooo happy and it helped yn be a bit more happy i loved that for her!! i love jeongin appearance in this chapter he’s so sweet

About nate tho … i love him and his character he’s been a great friend but idk kinda have this feeling that he’ll end up liking liking yn . i dont blame him tho my girl is the best . Ugh but hyunjin in this chapter made me so madddddd like broo wtf?? he’s acting like nothing happened and somewhat detached it made me a bit angry . He deserved seeing yn kissing another guy cuz honestly he fucked up royally with that conv in the storage room also him asking “is that your new boyfriend” jealousy 🤭i loved when yn was angry and they were fighting like yesss go girl be mad at him he deserves it. When chan told yn “if you ever been in love “ and she moved in front of hyunjin my heart hurt a bit yn is going through too much and he’s just so nonchalant.I’m happy for chan and kairi but at the same time sad for my girl because here chan is fighting for kairi even after their breakup but hyunjin didn’t even entertain the idea of a relationship with her she really deserves more . tbh i need a hyun pov on all of this 😭 . i need to see his thought process cuz all his decisions ever since he went back to seoul had me like “what?” “wtf” . i understand now when you said that the chapter mirrors the one at the cabin when hyun was checking yn for injury in chap 8 i was all butterflies but this chapter i was mad but with butterflies ofc 😭 Also hyun with glasses and driving 😵😵😵 putting hyun and yn in a confined space is dangerous but idk about this time since kairi and chan are with them .But honestly i don’t get hyunjin like dude you obviously like her and she does too it wouldn’t hurt to be more positive about the situation . i want yn to ignore and make him feel bad or even cry ( my heart will not handle it ) but at the same time i want then to have a heart to heart conversation and for hyunjin to open up . i miss hyunyn being in love without all this angst . yn looking at the city lights and wondering if he thinks about her…(i wonder that too) when he reminded her of the night at the château…..hah good times

i’m actually writing this at 4 am so idk if what i wrote made any sense i have to be out in 2 hours and i haven’t slept yet i don’t think i will slwy got me too excited.

AH im sorry for getting back to this after so long, but you’re so right because when yn recounts the situation to her friends with no context, hyunjin does seem like an absolute asshole 😭

i knowww. a hyun pov will definitely clear up all of questions, he certainly can be frustrating in that chapter. you want yn to make him cry? 😭💔

a heart to heart conversation is needed :( and dont worry you made complete sense haha i loved reading that !

[1000kgwoodendoor]

4/11/23

henlo? First blog haha. Not funny.

Ok Intro ig(I doubt anyone would be reading this but here it goes)

hi, call me mitch(not my real name), call me that cus I’m a man-bitch, haha geddit?

ok, I’m bi, I know for a fact I’m not confused 😏😏. I like guys and also girls. I knew since I was 11, maybe when 12 when I realised, “hmmm I ain’t straight”.

Middle school(secondary school) rolls by and it’s been really difficult, I think, making male friends cus I really dk how to approach them cus I feel very very very awkward when I talk to guys(especially the cute ones🤓🤓), which would kinda expose my sexuality yk. So I don’t talk to guys, which means I mostly have female friends. Which again, is kinda sus. But uk, teenagers always like to joke about being gay and all, so naturally I did so too, except I’m not joking, but people think I am, so alls good.

I’ll share a story that absolutely broke my heart when I was 14. So I had this girl best friend, she was my desk mate, we had a lot of fun laughing in class and the jokes I said and made about our teacher. We were so close to the point where we would play games together and she would share with me about all her crushes. It’s as if I was her confidant, and I was happy playing that role because who wouldn’t HAHA, and ig I liked her. And there was this guy in our class which was cute, tanned, smooth skinned, skinny and veiny. he was someone that I sometimes would play games with but not that close as to talk to each other everyday, but I had a crush on him :).And of course, god decides that both of them should date. When I knew my heart instantly shatter, it felt so heavy like I was sleeping under a weighted blanket. Double the heartbreak of a normal person. I didn’t cry though, cus I know no one would actually like me(I was fat). I kinda just accepted it.

But 2 years down the road, I lost weight and I’m just thinking, can I ever find love? cus I would dream of cuddling my ukw, fake falling asleep just to lay on their shoulder while watching a movie, laying on their chest and interlocking our fingers. All the cute things ‘normal’ couples would and can do. But I’ll wake up every morning, facing the plain white ceiling, and just thinking to myself, okay another day another round of hiding myself from the world, yay☹️. (And ps, my parents are deathly homophobic so coming out is out of the question for now.) I am lost, like honestly. What do I do? Don’t get me wrong, I love my life , #saynotosuicide but I really want to experience the sweetness one would feel when in love but that feels so out of reach to me!!! :(

And what tags should I use if I want more ppl to see this HAHAHHA

[vicsdeangelis]

I was hoping you'd say that

Well the one activity we did together ALL the time was writing (when the writing started losing its spark the relationship did too *ugly sobbing*) and like her writing was genuinely just bad when I first met her but I couldn't tell her so I offered to review her writing and stuff and shit bout a second pair of eyeballs and all and slowly her writing did get better haha.

I think a reason we didn't work out was cuz I had known I was gay for like years before I met her (I started having gay feelings before I even knew any gay labels and I was so confused cuz I didn't know you could like more than one gender so yeah that's how little I was) and she only figured out her sexuality through me (Was such an ego boost for a while to have been someone's gay awakening) but yeah idk I've had people say relationships like that hardly ever work. Also like we were each other's only friend so that's a red flag.

Her parents hated me like they say their daughter texting a 'creepy older woman' (she was barely an year younger, and I didn't want to look a creep nonetheless so I never said or did anything, she kissed me first) and started blaming her for making their daughter gay. Luckily they trusted her to cut off all contact with me so shit never reached my parents.

We did used to joke around about being gay for each other but then she went ahead and actually kissed me so yeah that was something

I do not tell this as an exaggeration we were kinda the couple goals sorta bitches and when she dumped me I legitimately cut off all contact with our mutual friends cuz I did not want em to stop believing in love (Now that I think about it it might have been a little self absorbed but they really used to gush over us) But it was very heartbreaking like picture ur girlfriend coming up to u weeks before ur two year anniversary and saying she just isn't into u anymore

Like ok I respect that BUT GIRLIE IT TOOK TWO YEARS TO FIGURE OUT?!

to be fair to her maybe it didn't "take her two years to figure out" she wasn't into you anymore. like, she most likely genuinely liked you during your entire relationship, but sometimes feelings just fizz out, which sucks, but it happens. but yeah, the timing wasn't great on her part 😬

[thenighttrain]

I honestly think Simon really wanted to push Liam originally but Harry and Niall had more charisma and presence, Zayn had better vocals and Louis was the behind the scenes person writing songs and managing things (tho he also had more charisma in interviews). Liam kinda ended up more in the background as the "basic" one.

You can even see the shift from the first album being so Liam focused to the second one. Niall and Louis didn't even get to really sing till Take Me Home.

It was Nicole who saw the potential in Niall and Harry, because she saw the charm and presence they could bring. Liam was there to do the actual singing, once the others could also sing the part Liam wasn't as center focus because he lacked the elements the other boys had.

Honestly if Zayn didn't have such bad anxiety he could probably be as successful as Harry. But I think he's happier chilling with his family and releasing music whenever he wants without promoting it or anything, he's already rich so I don't think he needs the money anyway.

Niall had a great album with Heartbreak Weather but he stopped promo once covid hit and it was sad because the songs on that album are great. What I love the most is that while all the boys in 1D were just learning how to sing Niall immediately started picking up other music skills like the guitar, it was Niall that later started teaching Harry how to play. That's I think part of what makes Niall so great he's always trying to get better and learning from other people, and he never releases anything unless he thinks is good enough.

Louis is so talented behind the scenes. He wrote most if not all of 1Ds greatest hits, he honestly had the strongest behind the scenes presence. He isn't as comfortable singing or performing but he's such a chill lad, his concerts are like hanging out with a friend that happens to know how to sing and is on a stage. He's also such a gem in telling fans to pirate his stuff if they can't afford it and lowering ticket prices to the minimum lol. Precious boyo.

And there's Liam who has struggled a lot with wanting to be the Justin Timberlake of one direction but never got there. He was in theory the perfect one to succeed with the singing and dancing... and yet. He also has a lot of personal struggles that bleed into his professional life but that's not our business. I think specially early on he felt like he was owed the success, but he just didn't have that It thing.

Harry always had the star quality, that boy was eating the stage up since he was sixteen. He was made for the stage. They can say whatever they want but all 1D fans knew Harry was going to have the best solo career. He just has the full star package.

-

God I've been in this fandom too long. I talk about stuff like this with my friends all the time, we kinda ended up agreeing that Liam had the basic voice of 1D and all the other boys added the flavour to it. Now that they all have solo careers the other boys developed their unique flavours but Liam just feels basic and generic. I feel cruel saying it but it's how i see it.

omg i strongly agree - we know liam was simon’s favourite. but i think nicole, being a woman, was able to see who would be more popular with teenage girls (aka their target demographic).

zayn is soo talented but yeah, i don’t think he enjoys the spotlight which is fair. i am still SO heartbroken about heartbreak weather, it’s an amazing album and deserves more :( but that’s a good observation about niall- he’s always pushed himself to learn and do better. and i loove louis, he’s so grounded and down to earth, he may not have the best voice but like you said, he does a lot of behind the scenes stuff. i honestly think liam needs a break to get himself together bc he’s been a mess for years now :// and yeah we all knew harry would do the best. liam does have the most basic voice haha and there’s nothing that sets him apart which is a shame, and one of the main reasons why he hasn’t done well

[bluescreened-heart]

You know what, while I wait for my hot cocoa to finish heating up I’m gonna just.. ramble. Also I feel like Iceberg would call me slurs if he knew every time I drink hot cocoa I thought of him. 💀.. he probably would. Bright thinks the same though sooo I’d just tell him to yell at bright instead of me. :}

I honestly miss him. And Glass. And just everyone. Brights gone, including all versions of him and it’s heartbreaking honestly. That manic ginger freak.. luckily Gears is here sometimes. Fragmented, but he’s here enough to talk to me. He let me hug him the other day and honestly I enjoyed it. Probably because I’m touch starved and I miss all my friends… 💀.. I feel like if Iceberg knew I even TOUCHED gears he’d have me dead in 12 different ways. Speaking of iceberg, my hot cocoa is done heating up. I make mine fancy. I love adding cinnamon and vanilla to it with whipped cream and marshmallow. God that’s like some white cunts Starbucks order now that I type that out but literally whatever it’s delicious. I think bright mixes like extra sugar in his with like vodka.. he always said the holidays were the time to be constantly fucked up, so… 💀.. I kinda miss his whole “forever 21” attitude. Honestly, no one tell him I said this but I’m jealous as fuck over him. Like, being physically in your prime forever? I wish I had that. I mean I’m physically like 40 and gears is like what.. .. 200. THATS A JOKE I KNOW HES ONLY LIKE 60. 💀.. whatever back pain is great. I loveee back pain and random rashes and randomly realizing chocolate makes me sick as if I’m a fucking dog. 40!! Yahoooo.. soooooooo fun… .. read that in a really sarcastic drawn out tone. Anyways I’m like pacing around waiting for my drink to cool off so I can actually enjoy it without burning our fucking mouth.

I hope I don’t have to be depressed for much longer.. I hate this. I want my man back. I want my friends. God. I wonder what Glass would say if he saw this account. I mean I’m never this open, I’m treating this like a diary. I have no one else I can go to with these thoughts anyways.. our friends have been told that we aren’t a system and that it was a really bad episode!! Yeah. Thanks for making me feel less real. Reallly love that. I mean it’s obvious we’re a system, but oh well. Sure yeah we aren’t it’s just an episode you guys! I wouldn’t be surprised if V makes is function like a singlet again like they did in the past. I wonder if we’ll go as an “irl” again though.. oh speaking of our past when something similar like this happened, I was able to talk to the “cringe” anti about our past. And yeah, it’s like the same steps. He said how I’m feeling and this account I made is exactly like how PJ made our star eyes account yeaaaars ago where he did like the same shit. The only difference is it was on Instagram instead of tumblr. 💀..

Whatever. I’m confident nothing will happen and I’ll be fine and I’ll hang on and stay an alter here. I mean I’m fragmented but not by much!!! I’m sure I’ll make it through this. God our headcount now is so low.. the only people I’ve seen today have been Anti, Reaper, Gears, and Raven. At least I think it was Raven?? Idk there’s too many of them right now and they all look the same.. besides one of them. The Slenderman with the mutated body and guts pouring out of his stomach will forever be in my nightmares! He’s shorter than the others though so HAHA 💀

Anyways. My hot cocoa is cool enough to drink. I’m gonna go back to playing Sonic forces and giggling every time I see Espio on screen.

If you read this, I love you Konny. :}

Sincerely, Dr. A.C.

[13eyond13]

4 and 13 for the movie ask please :)

4. An actor/actress it took you time to warm up to:

Robert Pattinson is up there, probably! Back in the day all I really knew him as was his small part as Cedric in the Harry Potter movies, and then he really blew up as Edward in Twilight. And of course bashing Twilight and hating on Edward and Bella was all the rage during the height of its fame, so back then I just rolled my eyes at him and never really paid much attention to him otherwise.

I specifically remember that I started seeing him in a slightly different light around the year 2009 or so, while Twilight was still going on, when my friend told me he was actually a pretty good singer. She showed me some sort of Windows Movie Maker slideshow on YouTube of him soulfully singing along to a guitar, which made me go "oh ok, maybe he has a bit more going on than I thought he did, then..."

Then I started noticing how funny and odd he is in his interviews, and what he said about how he chooses his acting roles based on how much of a freak the character he's going to play is made me laugh. I was convinced he has some impressive range and talent as an actor once I saw him in a few of his newer movie roles the past few years like The Lighthouse and The Batman. Definitely somebody that I am always glad to see onscreen now! I hope I'm not so mindlessly swayed by the bandwagoning hate trains again (I feel like other actors who are kinda getting this treatment nowadays are your Timothee Chalamets - where they're cool to like and have a crush on at first until they get a bit too mainstream and start doing things like playing a hot young version of Willy Wonka, and then people start hating on them and getting sick of them and memeing on them instead, whether or not they actually have any genuine acting talent underneath it all or whatever... I imagine that ol' Timothee will probably have a similar sort of comeback where it's cool to like him again a few more years down the road, so now I'm just gonna skip over the hate train and be like: "you know what, I always appreciate me a lil Timothee onscreen!")

--

Another one for this "had to warm up to them" category for me is Jason Segel. I think probably the first thing I ever saw him in was Forgetting Sarah Marshall when it first came out in theaters? I was just really young and innocent back then and possibly too shocked by seeing his dick flapping around on the big screen to really warm up to him too much, haha. Then I grew up a bit more and also watched the show Freaks and Geeks, the first thing he ever acted in, and his performance as Nick Andopolis in that show is just SO GOOD to me, my god. He's just such a big goofy soft sincere enthusiastic open book of a guy, makes me laugh so much, and also genuinely kills me in the scenes where you watch him going through something super humiliating or heartbreaking, too (there's this one particular scene where his girlfriend's mom accidentally crushes him while trying to be nice to him that just breaks my heart every time I see it).

I love this tape of him auditioning for the role, too:

Forgetting Sarah Marshall is now also one of my all-time fave dumb 2000s romcoms now too! I rewatched it older a few years back I did a complete flip on it, and was like: "wtf I kinda love this actually." Apparently Jason Segel wrote the script for that movie himself based on his own personal experiences, which I think gives it a bit more heartfelt charm than your average generic Judd Apatow gang flick. Much of it is based on his breakup with his Freaks and Geeks costar Linda Cardellini... He really WAS dumped butt naked while he really was in all seriousness working on writing a Dracula muppet musical that he thought was going to be his next big thing after Freaks and Geeks got cancelled (a Dracula muppet musical which unironically sounds like it's full of bangers from what you see of it in that movie, ngl)... I feel like I had to actually have a bad breakup/get cheated on myself to fully appreciate how funny and relatable parts of that movie are and just how excellent he is at portraying a person going through that kind of stuff. I just love him so much now, though at first I wasn't a fan.

13. Name a movie adaptation you thought was better than or equal to its source material:

I'm Thinking of Ending Things (2020)

This is a super strange and creepy little movie that I also read the book for, but the movie definitely sticks out in my mind quite a bit more than the book did! It got me back into obsessing over movies again for a bit when it first came out, because after I watched it I was just like "wtf I need to talk to somebody about this and try to interpret it with other people"... I LOVE Jesse Plemons and Toni Collette as actors in everything I've seen them in so far, and they're both great in it, and it made me want to see more stuff featuring Jessie Buckley as well. I think certain things about the aesthetics of the movie just felt strikingly familiar to my own rural Canadian upbringing as well, like the driving through a blizzard to visit your folks on their farm, and the polite reserved social interactions, and the stopping to get Dairy Queen even though it's like minus 40 degrees outside, idk...

[MOVIE ASKS]

[anothertorturedsoul]

The first time i ever felt healing in the past years was yesterday.

It was the first time ever we kinda talked about whats going on. I asked if it was making him feel uncomfortable and he said no but he can imagine how i felt uneasy about it.

This alone healed some broken bits and pieces inside me. I never really thought that he cares about how i feel. At least he never told me. That might be because he doesnt want to make it any harder for me but how would he know that the contrary is the case?

I always say that i made my peace with those feelings, but in fact the first time i actually felt a little peace was yesterday.

Still there are unsolved questions on my mind. Especially one. He had so many girls in all those years, i assume he had sex with most if not all of them. We were never an official item but he could have had me like any given time tbh, there were lots of oppertunities, but he never did.

Why?

At some point me and my now husband became a thing, i get why he wouldnt cross any more lines than he already did at that point. Always touching me in some way, flirting and making me go crazy, he enjoyed that and i did, too. ̶i̶̶ ̶̶m̶̶i̶̶s̶̶s̶̶ ̶̶t̶̶h̶̶i̶̶s̶.

But before that?

Maybe he wanted to protect me from being haunted but jokes on me, we all know how that went.

Maybe he actually always cared more about me then i knew and i am something special to him. But my mind tells me „haha honey you wish“ right now.

While typing „you are my brothers wife“ echoes through my head. Thats what i am to him, at least thats what he told me once.

Big ouch.

This man is my first love. That one-of-a-kind love that drives you into pure insanity, can‘t think straight and haunts you at night. I already had a crush on him when he kissed me for the first time but since that moment i completely fell for him. This kind of love is something that you only experience once. Nothing will ever compare. I do love my husband more than anything. But its different.

I still remember the day i decided to open up my heart to let somebody else in. His mother told me that he loves me and how she hopes i wont give up on him. I cried on my way home so much that my skin was sore, when my now husband showed up and tried to cheer me up. He hugged me and I cried until his shirt was soaking wet. When he looked at me and carefully wiped the tears off my face, i realized that he was always there for me when i most needed it. He always wiped away all those tears.

I needed to let some healthy love into my life and i decided to allow myself to love someone else. When i was a teen i thought you can only love one person truly but now i know thats just not true.

The lovestory of my husband and me was chaotic and painful as well. All that drama with his ex girlfriend, he cheated on me and told me about it years after. If he had told me right away when it happened i would have left. And that would have lend me down into my favorite toxic spiral again. It hurt nonetheless. After years and years of jealousy, pain, rejection and heartbreak you decide to kinda move on with the guy who always was your best friend and seems like the most precious human being. And him of all people goes straight into breaking your heart.

I think thats my type or something.

When i finally opened up about my feelings to my best friend, because she saw this little screw in my purse, i was hit with a lack of understanding. She asked why i would still spend time with him, that i dont sound like a married woman, why i wont break off contact, i would only make it harder for myself.

The thing is, those two men are the best of friends. They are literally like brothers and my husband loves him more than his actual brother.

Even if i wanted to, which i dont, theres no way i could avoid him.

I know most people will never understand how this feels like. But i have found my own way to cope with it. Having my little crumbs keeps me happy and maybe one day i will heal and those scars will fade. But i realized that i cant heal them on my own. I need the one who caused them to help me.

̶i̶̶ ̶̶n̶̶e̶̶e̶̶d̶̶ ̶̶h̶̶i̶̶m̶̶ ̶̶a̶̶n̶̶d̶̶ ̶̶m̶̶a̶̶y̶̶b̶̶e̶̶ ̶̶i̶̶ ̶̶a̶̶l̶̶w̶̶a̶̶y̶̶s̶̶ ̶̶w̶̶i̶̶l̶̶l̶.

[renticat]

You wouldn't understand me because we're not in the same page anymore.

It's funny but it's true. It's true because I scroll on of my following page and all the words (mostly poems about heart break and prayer) is just like soo strange to me now. Okay the heartbreak part maybe it's still true but not the other part and even like the cheeky longing for someone, I don't really feel that much anymore.

Okay lies but back then I limerence for someone who don't even see me as me, like he puts me like place to go when he's feeling sad but then my self love was zero and like hoping maybe one day he understand that I was always there for him.

And years of broken hears made me realize it was not worth it all along, if they don't want you as much as you want them, it's almost entirely your fault to staying in that situation, unless you want to be treated like consolation prize forever.

Back then I wouldn't understand this at all, like my mind on a whack but now, it's Tuesday again and someone kinda lied to me. It hurts but it doesn't hurt like bad before because I always thought the problem is me. Maybe at dome part but also they can be assholes and liar too so yeah if I let myself to be sad like this he won cause maybe the reason he's being so nice is because he's so horribly nice manipulative person ot idk he's not lying he just can't fulfill his words rn but isn't that already count as lies?

It's so sweet until it's not. It's like that you give someone power over to make you happy, you also give them power to makes you sad. But isn't that love to share and lowering your boundaries and really like being naked with all your feelings? Well it's true but again be careful because change also inevitable so unless you prepare for all the heartbreak, there's no one you can really trust (esp if they already knew too much about you, what makes you hurt). Yeah sharing is caring but also opening gates to your deepest darkest fear that's why the Robert Greene's book of power said something about just say what you needed, don't reveal too much because silence is power. Everything can be used against you, your words and I talk too much hope people would not misunderstood me but then mostly it just backfires anyway.

I have nothing to lose, and yeah I could handle the feelings lol not that is not hurt but it's getting better now managing my emotion. Is just funny all the Indonesian writings I like is not resonance with me anymore, only some very little of them because it's just whole different page of me now, I am not in the same chapter.

And I remember you, saying something like this back then and now I understand. I've been into those position before and now I am not but yeah I do understand is just different now. You ever fall in love with someone, someone who didn't put as much effort as you and then you feel so miserable and unloved because you feel stuck and it's like hopelessness get the best of you so you're sticking around until you found someone better that truly loves you and understand you. It's amazing, I am happy for you but also sad because now you're abandoning me? Your friend because you just don't need me anymore. Idk.

And yeah I wish I could met someone just like you and then starting a new chapter but Idk if I can be that lucky. I never been that lucky and I am impatient cat as the lies has built up so high now I can't even tolerate mild bullshit. Gosh, the recommendations though in this tumblr still kinda crazy, I have this for more than 10 years but yeah never posted until 7 years ago, and I wiping out again and again as my life in real life is going on and off also.

I didn't speak English that much back then haha just reblogged something cute, pictures and yeah I was just 16 lol now I feel so old like grandma. Fuckk see why can't I chill and not swearing? Well it's because it's not my language. Sorry huhuhu. So you also just want to read what you already believe then? Haha yes and no because I've been on that position and now I can explain it a little the cognitive dissonance and yeah read more about psychology.

You need to be aware what you put in your mind but then like this now, I just mindlessly scrolling because I miss someone who didn't miss me. It's not that easy getting rid of this habit esp when you have the hunger of love you didn't received as a kid. Need works and lots works but in the end it will get better. Yeah if you want to. My emotional state is actually better is just the financial state makes me desperate but then it's so bad because years of on and off sadness and me trying to untangled the root of all the craziness. Indoctrination. Is no joke. Some people fit and love it some have no choice but to obey and ofc everything is great and okay if you choose to but in my case is not that I want it.

So yeah miss me, call me. Lol but you just give me something when you're lonely, sly foxes. I hope everything will get better even I don't know hoe. How.

☹️

Hmmmm arghh I am sad hope someone just adopt me as their cat for real.

Take me away from here... Ugh 😒

[atopearth]

Butterfly’s Poison; Blood Chains (Chou no Doku) Part 2 - Hitoshi Fujita Route

Oh dang, so even if you choose Fujita, he can't go on the outing with Shiba because he's just a servant, so Yuriko still ends up getting kissed by Shiba! I don't like that😭 I like how Yuriko refused to take no for an answer and said Fujita must eat out with her next time haha. I guess she will have to be the forceful one since Fujita would never overstep his boundaries. Men who make warm drinks for the girl at night when she can't sleep or have no appetite are always the best!! It's funny because I had hot chocolate right before reading this so I can feel how warm it is haha! It's quite cute to see different sides to Yuriko. With Shiba, she's snarky and now with Fujita, she's a bit bratty that it's actually quite adorable haha. It was so cute how excited she was to go watch a movie with Fujita that she even said he's not allowed to refer to her formally and they're to hang out like friends haha, he definitely has his work cut out for him. It must suck to not be able to watch a movie comfortably if you're too short and people in front of you are too tall, I know the feeling for subtitled movies haha, but I get no Fujita who will carry me to see better lol. Considering how Fujita has been beside her for most of her life (I think?), it'll probably take both of them some time to see each other as something more. Feeling them at close proximity is definitely one way for that to occur haha. It's sad that Fujita enjoys spending time with Yuriko but feels like he shouldn't because they are master and servant. I was happy when he asked if there was any way he could help console her when her mother died though. I have to agree with Fujita that the Yuriko in this route really has boundless amounts of energy hahaha, the song definitely fits her, she's never ready to sit still when it comes to wanting to go out and play with Fujita and other things lol.

A common but sad story for Fujita's family that his mother fell in love with a sailor, gave birth and then got left behind when his father returned to his homeland. It's heartbreaking to think of the women left behind having to fend for themselves with a baby, it's probably even worse because Fujita's mother was rich but got disowned because of this. At least she was able to earn a living through teaching piano. It's kinda funny to think about a young Fujita who had such a sweet tooth that his mother had to hide sweets away from him and only give them to him as a reward hahaha. Well, if she says it like that (saying she would be all alone in this house if Fujita keeps treating her like a stranger), of course Fujita can't put her at a distance, especially since her parents passed away so quickly and suddenly, and Mizuhito is never here. It's really cute how Yuriko can so honestly act like a child towards Fujita and so innocently hug him in happiness because he agreed to talk more about himself to her. I think it's so endearing, and honestly, I would be so touched if I was Fujita. I think of myself as a boring person as well, so if I saw someone so genuinely happy that I agreed to tell them more about myself, I think I wouldn't be able to stop myself from feeling happy and appreciated too. Hahahah, I didn't expect to see Fujita in a frilly white apron! That's so cute lmao. The Nomiya family really are so blessed to have Fujita as their butler. He has no qualms for doing anything and everything even if it is outside of his role as a butler. He truly serves the family because he genuinely wants to help them out as much as he can. It seems that discrimination against his mixed blood is a bigger deal than expected, so Fujita has been eternally grateful towards Yuriko's father for employing him and even making him the head of the servants. It's really sweet of Yuriko tell Fujita that he's family and that she wishes for his happiness just as he does for her and her family. It was heartbreaking to hear him so bluntly reject the notion of her considering him family. Like, I understand his perspective but like Yuriko, it definitely hurt.

I am surprised Fujita agreed to go back to his hometown with Yuriko. I don't know how it feels to go back to your hometown to find no traces of the space you spent your childhood because it got demolished but I do know the nostalgic feeling of going back somewhere you used to always be feeling like it never happened and that your past didn't exist and it's a very melancholic feeling, so I would think Fujita feels worse but at least he had Yuriko with him. It's true that we can't prevent change and it's for the best usually when it improves the town but as Fujita said even if the house is gone, his memories with his mother are in his heart. The only sad thing is that when even your memories become fuzzy, and that's when you feel like you're a horrible person for forgetting even if it can't be helped. For me, I feel like there are so many things I've forgotten that I shouldn't have and it hurts to think that I can only remember a bit, it makes me feel heartless for my mind to think it wasn't useful and to forget it, but no matter how hard I try to remember, I can never again clearly grasp how I really felt when it came to these memories. I used to be proud of how good my memory was, but as I got older, I find it difficult to remember many things I feel like I should remember.

It was really sweet when Fujita said people can always create new memories, and that coming here with Yuriko has now become one of his important memories of this town. I would feel really honoured if I was Yuriko haha. I actually quite enjoy how Yuriko is experiencing the tumultuous emotions of love when it comes to Fujita, especially being a bit frightened at the fact that she realises she can also be so rash and do things without thinking of the consequences just because she's so mad at Fujita for being so expressionless towards her potential marriage with someone else. As someone who also vividly remembers how love can make you do the most silly and irrational things, I couldn't help but empathise. It's interesting that if it isn't Shiba's route, he doesn't cause a fuss in public in front of Iida when he sees them but instead visits her home to question her about it. I was super cheering Yuriko on when she expressed her frustration about how Fujita hasn't reacted to anything and then clearly confessed her feelings for him, like dang you go girl! If he didn't kiss her, I would have been mad because it's about time he cracked haha. I get it but it was pretty funny to see Fujita be the one to run away after kissing her, and Yuriko be the one baffled as to what just happened lol.

Mizuhito has played with the maids before too? Dang, thought it was just outside. I don't blame Fujita, he's been thrown away by the women he's dated so many times, he feels tired and scared, but I really like Yuriko's attitude towards it. She's so tired of Fujita not doing anything, she tells him to make advances on her and try to make her change her mind and not leave instead of merely accepting that things are as it is. She wants him to more aggressively pursue her and make it that she can't live without him and I guess that's what he has always been lacking towards his partners - he has never showed them how much he really likes and wants them. But considering how tough of a life he had to see his mother lead, I'm sure that's also a part of the reason why he refuses to go against the status quo. I'm glad Fujita has come around after the debacle with Majima, but their debts really were resolved so easily with the debt certificates returning to them after Majima bought them and gave it back to the house for some reason? Maybe we'll get more elaboration on that in another route lol, like why did Majima do that? To give Fujita a happy ending?🤣 LMAO at Yuriko wondering how Fujita handled his libido before they got married and when he was single because of his sexual appetite😂😂 I think it's sweet that on the outside Yuriko has been isolated from her relatives because she married a butler, but everyone actually still very much cares for her and understands her choice by sending them gifts, that's cute. I knew there would be an ending where Fujita would basically be like a mistress but I feel bad for Shiba. He wanted Yuriko so much, he agreed to her having another partner. I also feel sorry for Fujita, like omg, to see him so openly cling to Yuriko in front of other servants? Yuriko really does seem to have broken him with how sadistic she is. When Mizuhito first came back with money, I was suspicious, but I didn't want to accept that he was prostituting himself, that's just so so sad... I'm not sure what to think of the private club ending because it didn't have much to do with Fujita unless I'm missing something? The CG was pretty even though it was disgusting though lol.

Overall, if I were to describe Shiba's route as a rollercoaster where I was excited in the beginning when he saved her, and then I fell into the abyss when he started being quite a jerk, and then I liked him again after he confessed properly, then I'll have to describe Fujita's route to be as if you're enjoying a boat ride on a lake, pretty calm and peaceful most of the route with no high or lows. I didn't mind the route but I can see why people would view it as boring because Fujita is a very passive man that refuses to do anything and show his feelings towards Yuriko until pushed to the brink. Even though he was like that though, I did enjoy their little dates going back to his hometown and getting to know each other better outside of their master and servant relationship. I also liked how Yuriko acted very bratty in this route, it was pretty fun to see a different side to her that's childish and impulsive, especially the tragic ending, like dang that was unexpected haha. The relationship really felt like the cute kind of age gap love where the younger one does their best to break down the barriers of the older one into accepting a relationship that they couldn't view as socially acceptable, so it has all the angst, rejection and tantrums thrown and pain that comes with the rollercoaster of emotions of wanting the other to reciprocate and just abandon all social responsibilities and views. I guess it's kinda cute lol, but nothing special or different, so yeah, it's not a bad route for me haha, especially since I did enjoy the peaceful beginning.