#kind of long and incoherent im sorry i did not read over anything....

[putotyras]

bad horrid uika post

trying to put this together more coherently i am very open to correction.

okay so uika/hatsune(from here i'll say hatsune)'s story as told in episode 11 has a lot of weirdness and inconsistencies in my perspective. i know i'm not the first person to talk about it but just putting down some of the things that feel off to me Personally.

i think the thing i've seen spoken about the most is the conversation between kiyotsugu and sadaharu that uika could not have been present for but is shown in detail. i'm not going to post images of this one because the main issue is the scene's existence at all, really. i'll add that i find kiyotsugu's post-kicked out of the household behaviour a bit out of step with this version of events(namely the way his self-loathing gets depicted and his attitude towards sakiko) but it's nothing particularly concrete. we do at least know that the 16.8 billion loss did really happen also.

the first thing that stuck out to me in the episode personally though is when hatsune says this

she immediately recognises kiyotsugu's voice in a crowd. this seems strange because hatsune has had very little contact with sakiko's family, and only played with sakiko at all for one day. we do see her hear his voice, for exactly one line that she overhears from outside their house. this theoretically could explain it but is, to me at least, a pretty big stretch. it was seemingly years later after all.

in general her conversation with kiyotsugu is a bit weird and off to me, but nothing stands out as blatantly false. the part that i do find strange here though is the timeline of the texts she recieved from sakiko, that have come up multiple times throughout ave mujica and mygo.

i haven't included the translation in the image but it's easy to find in the episode if you want to check what it says. she opens up saying to sakiko that it's been a while and her debut has been confirmed. to me this sounds like it hasn't actually happened yet, but this could be a lack of knowledge on idols on my part. regardless, she also says she's been told not to inform non-family members(...) yet, so it's presumably still early stages.

regardless, when she meets kiyotsugu, it's after she's done an opening performance. again i don't know if this is synonymous with 'debut' in the idol world(the word used in the japanese is, i believe, お披露目, which sounds and seems like the same thing to me, but i don't want to say definitively and make myself look like an idiot, so.) but even if it's not a debut, it certainly seems more public than 'only tell your family'. before this first performance is shown, she uses the same language in the japanese she uses in her text to sakiko to tell her her debut has been confirmed.

Edit: a couple of people have clarified this for me, which i very much appreciate. hatsune's performance here was pre-debut. that said, in the below image, she does still mention being set to debut as sumimi, and it's straight before the performance is shown. this feels like it implies the debut was somewhat decided beforehand, but i don't know how likely or realistic that is.

she does also thank kiyotsugu for the family connection making her debut possible, in a conversation straight after the performance, which again implies to me it had been confirmed by this point.

i could just be reaching now of course, but i still find the timeline hard to follow. (end of edit)

then, after an opening performance has taken place, she meets kiyotsugu. and then, she asks him to let her meet saki.

and then, the messages sent between them are shown on the screen

(i've cut out the subtitles for visibility's sake, but again it's probably easy to check. they are(mostly*) the same messages we have seen before.

i'm thinking now if hatsune really just told kiyotsugu 'actually i'm not the friend of your daughter that you know, i'm her half sister who's using her name and my dad is your father in law' and hearing this he just gave over sakiko's number. i mean i'll take it if the show really wants me to but i think it's very funny. but it's still really unclear if kiyotsugu did actually give her sakiko's contact details, or if he allowed them to meet and just...lied to sakiko about who hatsune was? would he have told hatsune to keep lying about being being uika? if he wanted to sort it out with the family, shouldn't he have done that first? it's all very vague and i can't tell if it's for the sake of storytelling or if it really is hiding something. we get the 'i must not go to the villa' which could imply her being put in contact, especially since that's when the messages flash on screen, but they're never actually brought up as being the issue. sadaharu seems not to know she's been in contact with sakiko specifically either, he just says to tell her not to approach the togawa family again. though i suppose kiyotsugu could have been hiding it.

but this seems strange to me. if we assume kiyotsugu did, in fact, get her in contact with sakiko(which is notably never stated and is in my opinion at best lightly implied), why did she tell her she was set to debut, rather than she just had? why would she tell her she can only tell family about it when she's already done a seemingly public performance? she could be lying to sakiko, but why would she? it's not explained or expanded upon, and the next scene is the kiyotsugu and sadaharu conversation. again, had this explained. i do still find the events leading to this exchange strange though, including wrt to the things i put in the footnote.

she does seem to know where sakiko is after this happens as we know she attended crychic's performance and she knows in a fair amount of detail what sakiko was up to in the time after. again, it's not clear if kiyotsugu told her about this, or she found out some other way. but they don't meet up for around a year after this, and they don't seem to have been in contact during this time(when we see hatsune's messages in episode 4 of mygo, there's no new ones past that one conversation, and she's surprised when sakiko calls her.)

most things outside of that are less definitively wrong, but still seem strange to me. we obviously know that uika and hatsune looked identical despite the age gap and different fathers(we don't know how big the gap is but it naturally can't be less than nine or so months.) and this isn't a young sakiko mistaking people who looked similar, we've seen them both. they're identical

even height wise they're absurdly similar.

they could have used sakiko only meeting hatsune in the evening as a way to explain it, but they very explicitly played for the whole day in the middle of summer.

(another thing to note that probably means nothing but i still find interesting is that the part in mygo 8 where their memories conflict about who invited who to go bug hunting, is that hatsune remembers what uika said happened, but sakiko is the one who remembers what happened when it was hatsune there instead.) i'll also point out that it's baby uika who has a moon on her shirt, despite it being hatsune that sakiko describes as being like the moon.

there's more minor details, like no-one at hatsune's agency taking much notice of her claimed parentage, and uika being the only character in episode 11 to always be voiced and acted out by hatsune. the timeline between hatsune and sakiko's last meeting is unclear also, something i think is relevant due to the messages again*.

i don't have a clear theory here or anything, i'm just really curious on people's thoughts on it that aren't mostly just trying to make it Not Incest because that's not really what bothers me. at least not nearly as much as everything in this post (among other details).

anyway thank you if you read this fucking thing please call me a fucking idiot and tell me why i'm wrong because i really do want somebody to.

*okay i'm putting this as a footnote because it's likely for space but the messages we see on hatsune's phone and the ones we see projected behind her are slightly different. specifically, it cuts out the 'it's been a while' at the start of hatsune's opening message and changes sakiko's 'youre really going to debut' to just 'really'. i think the 'ひさしぶり', while obviously normal to say if you haven't spoken in a while, comes off as significantly less extreme than 'it's been literal years' when she jumps straight from it into 'i'm gonna debut'. and sakiko doesn't even say hello or seem surprised at 'uika' suddenly contacting her at all. which i think is notable because if it hasn't been years since they were in contact, when exactly did they start communicating again. i really just don't know, and all i can think of is 'hatsune stole uika's phone', but in that case, why would she be going by uika's name in order for sakiko to find her. i just find it strange.

[julilovesyou444]

my first ~ tom kaulitz

background ~ love confession that leads to something else, all from Tom’s point of view.

warnings ~ no proofreading, mentions of drinking, mentions of smoking, smut, p in v, praise, oral fem receiving, breeding ig? idk tbh but it’s naughty sooooo🙉🙈 be prepared LMAO

a/n ~ heres a small blurb, writers block is going insane rn. also someone called my writing “corny” or something… like if you don’t like it, then DONT READ‼️what do u want me to say? sorry??? nah. THIS IS MY FIRST TIME EVER WRITING ANYTHING LIKE THIS BESIDES HEAD SO PLS BE NICE IDK WHAT IM DOING. I learned everything from here and wattpad so don’t blame me😓 thanks for the love too

~

I was sitting on some raggedy couch, girls practically throwing themselves at me. we had finished a concert about an hour ago, and i insisted that we partied to celebrate. I had no idea I’d be so miserable. I slowly sipped my drink, looking around. girls were saying all kinds of things to me, touching me, but they were all so incoherent. I didn’t care about them right now. I couldn’t focus on them while I was looking for her.

my eyes continued their search throughout the crowded room until they found what they were looking for. there she was. standing off to the side, drink in her hand, smile on her face. bill and I had met her right before we started our band. she had always been so close with bill. i had been so jealous of that. i wanted to be as close to her as she was with bill, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t let myself. the feelings she made me feel were so unfamiliar, and they scared me. I hated not being in control, and whenever I was around her, I lost complete control over myself and my thoughts.

she looked so beautiful, tonight. of course I would never tell her that. it wasnt my place. we didn’t talk to each other like that. even though I wish we did, at least sometimes. I adored how her clothes hugged tightly to her figure and how confident she acted without being cocky. bill had invited her on tour with us. I was reluctant, I didn’t know how I would feel with her being with us all the time. but I didn’t want to be the only one to object, so I accepted.

it was always fun with her, she knew how to electrify a room and light it up instantly. i avoided time alone with her. I hoped she didn’t think I was doing it because I didn’t like her. i just got… nervous.

I watched her from the couch until her eyes connected to mine. I thought she would look away, but she didn’t. She brought her cup to her mouth and took a slow sip, her eyes never leaving mine. the lights from the party flashed in her eyes, making them sparkle as if diamonds were encrusted in them. I could stare into them all day. I couldn’t read the look on her face. I couldn’t tell how she was feeling about this; about me.

Some random girl shoved my shoulder, causing me to look over.

“Can you stop being so boring? I think i might get another drink…”, she complained and slurred , clearly drunk. I rolled my eyes and sat her on the couch, getting up as I did so. My back was turned to the party and I tried to get this hammered girl to calm down. Eventually, I was able to get her to just chill out on the couch. I turned around, wanting to see if she was still watching me. To my disappointment, she was gone. I looked around. I looked around the party some more, and again, and again.

“where the fuck did she run off to?”, i muttered to myself, slowly turning myself in a circle, trying to locate her possible location. I wanted to talk to her. I wanted her.

That’s when my eyes landed on a set of stairs that led upstairs. I walked over, randoms saying hi to me as i did. music was blaring and the room had cans and solo cups lining the floor. it reeked of bad weed and alcohol. I made my way to the top of the stairs. I came at a stop when I got to the upstairs. it was still loud, but definitely not as loud as it was downstairs. there was a single long hallway, lined with tall doors, and at the end of the hallway was a big bay window that faced the back of the house. no lights were turned on, but the moon shone brightly and dimly lit up the corridor. I saw her, sitting down on the little cushions by the window, gazing out. she didn’t know I was here with her. the moonlight danced on her skin, illuminating her so perfectly.

I walked slowly over to her. As soon as I came in her eyesight, I noticed she was a bit startled, but relaxed when she saw it was just me.

she gazed back up at the night sky, the millions of stars reflecting onto her pupils. she looked so ethereal with the moon light dancing on her skin.

“the moon is beautiful, isn’t it?”, she softly asked, as she interrupted my thoughts. she looked over at me with the sweetest smile.

I wasn’t even looking at the moon, just at her.

“Very…”, I mumbled.

She smiled at me and looked back towards the window.

“What are you doing up here? I thought you were enjoying yourself.”, she said. I scoffed.

“I usually enjoy these parties, but tonight, I don’t know, I’m just not feeling it I guess.”

“Really? You had so many girls all over you… I would’ve thought that you’d be in heaven.”, she laughed. I smiled and shook my head a little.

“I don’t know what’s going on with me… I just didn’t want them like I usually would’ve.”, i shrugged.

“Is anything bothering you?”, she asked, looking genuine.

“the tom I know would never not be enjoying the fact that so many girls were all over them.”, she added.

“I don’t know… it’s just that, I’ve been dealing with some shit and I don’t know how to handle it.”

“maybe if you tell me, I can help. I know we aren’t like best friends or anything but you know I’m always here for you, right?”, she asked, looking up at me and placing her hand on my arm.

“yea, yea, I know… I think it’ll feel good to finally tell someone. I know a lot of the times I get perceived as a guy who only likes girls for things like sex and their bodies, and to be honest, it’s somewhat true. there’s just this one girl, this one girl, that I like way way way more than that, and I don’t know what to do or how to tell her.”, I vented.

“does she like you back?”

“that’s the thing… I don’t know.”

“oh, c’mon Tom, everyone likes you, im sure she does too.”, she tried to reassure me.

“you think?”

“positive. uh… sorry if this is invasive or something, but who is this girl? just curious…”, she said quickly. I cocked my head and smiled at her curiosity.

“Why do you wanna know?”, i asked.

“Um… nevermind, forget it. I don’t know why I wanted to know…”, she looked away from me.

“well i can tell you something about her…”, I started. I decided it was now or never. I had a feeling that my feelings were mutual.

“Hm?”, she said, looking back to me. I leaned down and let my mouth hover by her ear.

“she’s standing right in front of me.”, i said, just above a whisper. I could feel her tense up. I looked at her face. her eyes her wider and her mouth, slightly agape.

“what?”, was all she said. I stood up straight.

“You heard me.”, i said.

“you can’t just say that and not say anything else.”, she protested.

I shrugged.

“… are you being serious?”, she asked in a hushed tone. I looked over at her and was met with her big eyes.

“dead serious.”

“So you actually-”

“Like you? Mhm, yep, surprised me a bit too.”

She didn’t say anything and just stood there silent for a moment, processing everything I just told her.

“how does that make you feel, hm?”, I asked.

she didn’t say anything for a moment, but I watched her previous face turn into one of confidence.

“good, tom. it makes me feel good to know you feel the same way I feel about you.”

i smirked.

“you already knew that though, didn’t you?”, she asked, raising an eyebrow.

“pfft. Of course I did.”

~

I rushed into the bathroom and locked the door behind us. as soon as I turned around, she was all over me. she pulled me by my neck down to kiss her, and i let her. her hands moved to the sides of my jaw, pulling me in as if I could get any closer. I pressed my hands on the small of her back, bringing her body flush against mine. my hands found a comfortable position on her hips. we kissed so much, I felt I was floating. her hands roamed my body as we did, feeling my skin where-ever she could. I used my hands to back her up against the counter. I moved them to be under her thighs, and she quickly got the memo. I hoisted her up so she was sitting on the edge of the counter. this way, it was easier to get to other places i wanted to explore.

I pulled back admired her for a second. sitting on the counter, just waiting for me to come back. I couldn’t stay away for long.

I moved my lips to her neck, leaving little soft and short kisses all over. I began to lightly suck, and as time went on, I starting going harder. she gave me the exact reaction I wanted, her little gasps and panting motivating me to do more.

I traveled from her neck, to her collarbone, then to a little lower. my hands found the bottom hem of her shirt. I looked up at her.

“can I?”

she quickly nodded and that was all I needed to see. I took her shirt off.

I felt my breath get caught in my throat. she was wearing a small lacy black bra.

“holy…”, I breathed out.

i snaked my hands around her torso and unclasped it, never breaking eye contact.

“you’re so beautiful, y’know that?”, i said huskily.

“thank you.”, she said, blushing. she looked away from my eyes as I peeled the bra off of her.

“hey, don’t be shy now. I’ve always thought you were beautiful, always wanted to tell you that. I’m glad I can now.”, i said, reassuring her. she looked back at me and smiled. I kissed her, much softer and gentler than I had been. my hands made their way to her boobs, massaging them slightly. I felt her breathing pick up a little. I kept kissing her, but I couldn’t help but smile into the kiss at her reaction. i played with her nipples between my two fingers, simply trying to get a reaction out of her. I successfully did just that, little noises escaping her throat as I continued. I pulled away.

“you like that?”

her eyes were screwed shut as she fastly nodded. I looked at her body as I kept playing with it. she was so hot. so so hot. I was so turned on, just at the sight of her.

“I wanna take care of you. Can I do that?”, I asked, my hands tracing up and down her thighs.

“please.”, she said. i smirked. her desperation made me want to pleasure her all the much more.

“I don’t do this that much, but for you, I will. you’re special.”

she opened her eyes and watched as i moved down to my knees. I used to hands to ride her skirt up, and then placed them on her knees to slowly open her legs. I loved teasing her. she was wearing light pink underwear, heavily contrasting the bra I had just taken off. There was already a little wet spot on them.

“Awwww, you’re already so excited, princess.”, i cooed, my fingers lightly brushing over the spot. she breathed in quickly at the contact. she lifted her hips and let me take her underwear off. I stuck them in my back pocket and refocused myself on the sight in front of me. I feverishly left kisses on her inner thighs while mumbling praises to her.

“so…so… pretty.”, I murmured.

I kept getting closer and closer to the place she needed me to touch her most. I could tell she was getting needy.

I ran my fingers down her slit, collecting all of the wetness that had formed. i stuck them in my mouth and watched as her mouth fell open due to my actions. i put my head back in between her legs and started licking her clit. my hands were gripping her thighs, keeping them all the way apart. she gasped and threw her head back as I kept going. I used one of my hands to put one of my fingers in her. I looked up and saw her eyebrows knit together and her nose scrunched up. her mouth was slack and so many pretty noises were leaving. her one hand gripped the edge of the counter while the other one tangled itself in my hair. after a good couple minutes, I decided to switch it up and moved my tongue down to her hole and my fingers rubbed her sweet spot. this did things for her, and I could tell how much pleasure she was receiving. she started repeating my name, over and over again. I started to pick up the pace, and her moans grew louder. I was thankful for how loud it was outside, but I also wouldn’t have cared if people could hear us.

I felt her legs tighten around my head, and then begin to shake. her chest was heaving, up and down, uo and down. she kept telling me she was close, but it was hard to hear her because she was so out of breath. I kept the pace I had, fucking her with my tongue, as she rode out her high. as she came, I made sure to lock up every last bit. she managed to open her eyes and watch me as i did.

“you’re so hot.”, she panted out, catching her breath. I stood up, now wanting to get a little pleasure for myself. I took her off the counter and spun her around so her backside was against me. I lowered my head to her ear.

“you were so good for me, love. I love seeing you come undone, can we do that a second time?”, I asked, my lips pressed to her ear.

“mhm.”, she nodded, making eye contact with me in the mirror. with that, I bent her over the counter and unzipped my pants. I pushed her entire skirt up all the way so I could get a look at her entire ass. she was bent over, waiting for me. if I was able to take a picture, I would’ve. she looked so incredibly good. I didn’t think she knew how much I had dreamed for this moment.

I ran my tip through her fold, teasing her a bit. she was already wet from her previous climax, so I didn’t need to prepare her too much. I pushed myself into her, but not the whole thing. I watched her face in the mirror. she gripped onto the counter top, and her jaw was slack once again. I let her get comfortable before pushing myself in further, all the way until i bottomed out. she moaned, letting her head fall. I waited a moment for her to get used to my size before I began to steadily move. her head was still down, facing the counter. I used my hand to grip her chin and move her face back up. I started to move a little faster.

“I want you to watch yourself.”, i said. she started to watch all the faces I was making her do in the mirror, and I was going crazy over it. my eyes kept darting between her face and then down, to see myself pound into her.

“mmm, you’re taking me so well, baby. you’re being so good for me, right now.”, I groaned out. during the whole thing, she was a moaning mess. I loved it. I loved how vocal she was about how good I was making her feel.

my arm wrapped itself around her and found her clit again, rubbing figure eights on it. I watched the pure ecstasy spread across her. I kept going all the way in, and almost all the way out before pushing my length back into her at such a fast pace, I knew she would be a mess in minutes. I knew I would be too.

And I was right. after only a small amount of time, she was having trouble keeping her head up.

“Tom! im- im so close again-“, she cried out as I didn’t let myself slow down.

“I know baby, I am too-“

I let my other hand massage her ass, slapping it a couple times too.

I wasn’t lying when I told her I was close. I had been for a while too, but I was holding out for her. I felt the knot in my stomach keep growing and growing, but I could feel it starting to become undone.

“Tom- im, im coming-“, she panted out. her boobs bounced every single time I went in and out.

“me too”, my eyes screwed shut as reached my climax. I felt her reach hers right before me, her legs shaking and a string of moans in the air. that pushed me over the edge, and I felt the knot become completely undone. I groaned as I released into her, my seed dripping out of her hole. I rode out my high for a little, but eventually stopped moving. she was catching her breath.

I pulled over and quickly cleaned myself before zipping my pants back up. I grabbed some toilet paper and cleaned her up too as she resteadied herself. i insisted on helping her get dressed again, despite her saying she could do it on her own. I put her bra and shirt back on. we kept giggling as I did. high off of life. I had wanted to keep the panties i pocketed, but she begged for them back. they were her favorite pair. she put them back on and then readjusted her skirt and hair in the mirror. I leaned against the wall, observing as she did.

“I didn’t think i would ever tell you I liked you.”, I admitted.

“why not?”, she asked, still fixing her hair.

“I think I was too nervous… you know I feel like your the first real crush I’ve ever had.”

“awww, im your first???”, she joked around.

“yes, you’re my first.”, I rolled my eyes playfully. I crossed my arms across my chest.

she turned around and hugged me, placing her head on my chest. she was smiling so big at my confession. I loved her smile. I loved everything about her.

“it’s okay tom, you were mine too.”, she said.

“Wait what?”, I hugged her back with a confused look on my face.

“I’ve liked you since I was like nine, silly. that’s why I was always so close with bill and not as much as you, I was always too like scared to be around you because I had a crush on you.”, she confessed.

“Really??? How did I not know this??”, I asked, shocked.

“I don’t know, you’re just really oblivious, I guess.”, she teased.

I laughed and looked down at her.

finally, i got what I had wanted.

her.

[caelumsnuff]

Hi, I was the anon that wrote in after Part Two of the Caelum Corruption Arc and talked about how it sucks people won’t just leave you be.

I am here, again, hating how fucking much the same people persist and admiring and how you persist in sharing your opinion and your voice in spite of it. I can’t imagine how discouraging the trash you must have in your inbox must be and how disheartening it is to have rampaging opponents in your replies when they should have just blocked you if they didn’t like you.

I just wanted to let you know, again, that I think your thoughts and art are well-spoken and eloquent and fantastic and perfectly within your godgiven right to create even if they’re not all for me. I hope you continue to do so, and I hope people stop shading you in the main tag and being mean in your inbox anonymously when you do, cause you’re kind of fuckin cool.

Even if you weren’t cool, that’d still be an abhorrent way to treat you when you mostly just mind your business.

I hope you have a good, nice, peaceful day.

-Lexi (AutisticEmpathyDaemon)

sorry if I didn’t send it through anon it would have sent through my main and that whole system irritates me so that’s why I did it this way I hope that’s okay also sorry if this is rambling and incoherent I got flustered

@autisticempathydaemon

Hewwo, this was so so so incredibly sweet that it actually made me cry a lil bit last night. Thank you so very much for the kind message, i appreciate it so much.

It meant so much to hear you say you admire my persistent, every time i get a compliment like that or someone tells me they admire me it really makes my heart just swell with warmth. I tried very hard over the years to cultivate my assertiveness and persistent, and i absolutely refuse to lose all that work now by backing down because some (lets be honest, most 💀) people in this fandom disagree with me or don't like me or whatever. I can only hope that it emboldens others in this fandom to keep honestly speaking their minds.

To be quite honest, i haven't gotten a lot of anon hate or other such trash in my inbox. My anons are generally so amazing asdfasd, but that's one reason this latest resurgence of the Caelum drama really got to me. Random proship/profiction redacted fandom goers were getting disgusting messages in their inbox without even shipping him with people, whilst I, a Caelum shipper, sat in the corner unbothered. Not to sound savior-y or anything, but i really would have preferred if i got the messages instead of you guys. I saw what they were sending to you guys, and im deeply sorry you had to read them, much less entertain them with responses.

Thank you for calling my responses and art and whatnot "well-spoken and eloquent and fantastic," it honestly makes me wanna cry??? Long long story about why it means so much to me, but it makes me very happy to know im articulating myself efficiently.

Also you think im cool????

I hope you have a good day as well! Thank you so much again! ❤️

[weeb-writor]

Babysitting Aizawa’s 6... no 10 Nieces and Nephews

Hey There! Today we have the second part to the Aizawa fic I posted a few days ago! It can act as a stand alone so don't worry if you haven't read the first one! Ill try to post it here but I'm new at this. Also isn't much Shouta x you in this, just domestic fluff! More a set up for the loving in the next work, I hope you'll still read it anyway. Reader is neutral and I hope you all enjoy!

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Aizawa Shouta x Reader

Aizawa’s mom goes into the hospital for an emergency surgery and all his siblings turn to you to watch their kids, but you don't remember there names let alone their kids.

Words: 2610

Part One  Part Two  Part Three  Part Four  Part Five

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

You look a bit of mess currently. You were sitting at home in your pj’s with about 20 pictures scattered around you and 20 pieces of paper. You looked like one of those crazy conspiracies theorists. When in reality you were only trying to learn your boyfriend's family’s names and likes, in preparation for Christmas of course. It was not going so well all you could remember was Saika was the eldest sister but which sister was she exactly? You looked between the two pictures on the table. None of the Aizawa’s age so that didn’t give away and you couldn’t remember if she had the long hair or the bob. 

“God help me.” You mumbled with a sigh as you threw your head back. By some great miracle a phone call pulled you from the task. Surprised to see it was Aizawa you picked it up with a smile.

“Hey baby.” He said

“What’s up love? Aren’t you in class?” You said a tiny bit concerned.

“Should be but my mom’s going in for some emergency surgery, so me and my family are going up there.” 

“Oh, are you alright?? Do you want me to come?” You rushed out to him

“No, and I’m fine. It’s a fairly low risk surgery from what I’m told. There is of course something you could do for me.” He said lowly

“And that would be?” 

“My siblings need someone to watch their gremlins and I had the perfect person in mind.” He said with a light chuckle. You knew right away who this mysterious person was. Part of you wanted to say no because it was a lot of young kids but the other part of you knew you were gonna say yes.  Even if he didnt say so, Aizawa was worried and he didn’t need to be stuck watching the kids, none of them did.

“Yes, of course! Tell your siblings to bring them to my place. I got a few toys from babysitting years ago.” You said getting up to get ready.

“You're a lifesaver.” He said fondly

“Says the hero, I love you babe, everything is gonna be fine and of course be safe.” You told him

“Love you more, kitty cat. You’ll be great, see you when I get home.” He said hanging up. Well now you were panicking. How many kids were there again? What about their parents? You couldn’t even remember their names. How are you supposed to greet them? Holy shit what did you get yourself into is all you could think as you rushed to clean your house. You were barely finished when the first knock came, you opened the door with a small smile.

“L/N!” A tall black haired man said. He looked like Shouta no doubt but he had an undercut and was taller.

“Please call me Y/N.” You smiled at him.

“Aww, you're too sweet! Seriously, how did Shouta end up with you?! Anyway, This is Haru and Jun, they are gonna be good little boys for you, right?” He paused as the boys nodded. “Thank you so much we should all be back to pick the kids at 10!” He said as he started to leave. You waved him off and showed the boys in.

“Alright! So I’ve got a few toys and I think i've got all the cartoon channels. I want to make sure we get all your cousins here first before we do something really fun.” You said to the little boys who immediately went to sit on your couch and watch the cartoons that were playing. You let out a huge sigh of relief. It was done prematurely as a knock at the door was heard. You opened it to reveal his two sisters which was which you didn't know.

“L/N you sweet little lifesaver! This is the rest of them except Rei, Daisuke, and Maki. They all walk together from school, we let them know to come here so don't worry about walking to go get them. Also, only two of them are still in diapers so you should be fine! Thank you so much, love.” The shorter one rushed out before she left, pulling her sister with her. You looked done at the baby that had somehow got into your hands.  Alright this one was obviously in diapers, the one grasping on to your pant leg barely standing up was probably the other one in diapers. Okay you were now surrounded by um.. 6 six kids, maybe more you weren't sure. 

“Okay, now that we're all here, wanna play a game? It's really fun I promise.” You said with a cute little smile but you were lying. You only wanted them to introduce themselves and say who their parents were. You had no idea how to make it fun.

“What kind of game?” A little girl asked, wait you knew this one! She was the only young girl when you first met all the siblings, it was Nozomi, right?

“A umm…. A… A scavenger hunt! Yeah! We're all gonna introduce ourselves and then get into groups by who your Mama's and Papa’s are and see who can find all the treasures first! Whoever wins gets a super cool prize.” You said hoping they didn't ask too many questions about the game you just made up. Which they didn't they all were giggling and saying incoherent things excited to play.

“We’ll go first since we're the oldest. Im Haru.” The tallest one with his hair pulled back into a ponytail said. “I is Jun! Our papa is Shiori! Can we play now??” The cute little blonde one said. Okay 2 down, Tall and hair pulled back is Haru, Small and blonde is Jun, they are both Shiori kids. 

“Oh us next, us next! I'm Tetsuya, that's Umi, my lil sister, and Yukio is the one on your pants. My mama is Shizumi!” The boy said. He was a cute pudgy boy with black hair that covered his eyes. Umi, the little girl had her dark blue hair in two pigtails on top of her head.  Lastly the little boy holding on to your pants also had black hair but it was super curly.

“L/N, Oni-chans at school and Taiyo is too small.” Nozomi said with teary eyes. Okay so the one in your hand is Taiyo, another one of Saika kids. Okay you got this. You made it through all 7 kids, you would worry about the 3 at school later.

“Its alright me and you can be a team okay?” You said as she beamed up at you nodding. Alright with that you went to place the sleeping Taiyo on your bed. You left the door open so you could hear if he started to cry or moved around too much. You took a sheet and made a makeshift sling for… Yukio, right! 

“Okay so there are 3 hidden treasures around the house! One is a pink treasure chest filled with jewelry and prizes. The other is a huge blue fluffy whale, be careful it may bite! Lastly, there are 2 little lions wandering sound, we gotta catch. I'm gonna get you guys nets of course! First one to get all of these things and show me them gets a super cool prize!” You said as they erupted into cute tiny roars!

“Okay here are your nets! May the best team win!” You smiled at them as they took off. You felt a little bad for the Aizawa cats you had just set up to be chased but something told you they wouldn't mind. They were always so attention hungry this would probably please them.

“Okay then, lets go Nozomi!” You said grasping the young girl's hand. You knew where everything was of course so you just followed her around. Only helping her when you heard kids getting close to the hiding spots or helping her try to catch the cat. You guys had been playing for about an hour now, only needing to catch the cats who caught onto the game and were running for their lives.

“Kitty cat c’mere!” Jun said as he chased the gray cat around.

“Yeah! We jus wanna win.” Haru said following his brother. You laughed as the cat gently pawed at boys. Now that you were thinking about it there were so many boys in this family. Only 5 girls out of all these boys, Aizawa’s genes were strong for boys. You didn't get long to think before you saw a flash and heard a camera click. You turned to see 3 older children one with a camera.

“Oh man, Uncle Shouta is gonna be so happy.” The girl said with a smile. She looked to be about 12 and was blonde, if you had to guess she was Jun and Harus’s older sister. There were two boys next her one was probably the oldest of all the kids.

“Sorry for letting ourselves in, we were just knocking for a while and you didn't answer.” The older one said as they bowed.

“No no it's quite alright! Sorry for not answering, my hands are a little full!” You said as you had Taiyo still slung around your back and Umi squirming in your hands. 

“Yeah, we can see that!”

“Daisuke! Rei! We gotta catch the kitties so I can win a prize.” Nozomi said, rushing off to her brothers. You made a mental note of who was who.

“Oh no problem! Uncle sho’s cats are easy to catch.” Rei said and he was right, you just had to know how. He went over to the counter and got the cat treats and sprinkled a few on the floor. The cats came running and began eating as fast as they could. He then took the blanket/net and put it over the 2 cats and picked them up, they compiled so easily it was almost comical.

“Oh! Yay! I wins right?? I get the prize!” She said dancing around you.

“Yes you do! I should go get dinner ready but you can pick anything you want to take home.” You said booping her nose. She did a little gig before taking off like she knew what wanted.

“Alright, who wants to help with dinner!” You called to the kids you roared with agreement, racing to the kitchen

“Oh you three would you mind helping and introducing yourselves?” You asked as you took out a few different ingredients.

“Oh yeah! No problem! Im Daisuke, the eldest of all the Aizawa’s cousins. First year in high school actually! This is my little brother Rei, he is a middle schooler. Then the girl snapping pictures is Maki-chan she’s the closest to my age! Oh, Saika is my mom and uncle Shiori is Maki’s dad. What can we do to help out.” He said with a smile.

“I think they said introduce yourself but whatever.” Maki mumbled kind of chest fallen. You only laughed and pointed out what they could do while you helped the kids and before long boom, dinner was done. You might have to convince Aizawa to have kids soon cause they were actually helpful. You all set the table and sat down to eat, almost forgetting about Nozomi.

“Can I have this!” She rushed to you holding a black cat plushie that had red eyes. Aizawa had given it to you when he went on a mission that pulled him from home for a month. You gave a small smile to her.

“Of course! I said you could have anything you wanted, I meant it. Let's eat right now then you can go snuggle and lay down.” You said moving to pick her up and help her to the table. Your table of course wasn't big enough so the big kids were in the living room, the younger kids ate with you and the babies you fed first were now napping. You let out a breath, it was 7:30. They should be done by 10:00 at the latest and the younger kids would be asleep by 8:30, so you could say you had this in the bag. Dinner was peaceful to your surprise and now you were all washing up and laying down on the makeshift beds you made in the living room. Maki was taking pictures as you had put all the younger children into your shirts, it was quite a sight to behold.

“Alright everyone lay down!” You yelled as you grabbed the youngest and began rocking him back and forth. 

“We is ready” Umi said as she snuggled into her blankets

“Ready for what?” You asked cautiously.

“When we visit uncle Sho’ta he tells us ‘tories at nighty time.” Tetsuya slurred to you.

“Oh, okay then…. Um. Once upon a time there was a pretty Pink cat, who lived in a kingdom full of all kinds of cats. One day he got curious and left the safety of his kingdom. He went into a forest and everything was fine until he bumped into a big huge black wolf. He wanted to run back into the safety of his kingdom but the icy glare of the wolf kept him still. The wolf slowly opened its jaws…. Showing off its rows of bone crushing smile. The pink cat thought it was over for him until the Wolf smiled at him. ‘Your a little far from home, huh? Its okay I get lost sometimes! I can take you home.’ The wolf said, her tail starting to wag. The cat didn't know what made him say yes but he did. He continued to say yes time and time again, long after they had become friends. He said yes so many times to the cat he thought he might run out of yes’s to give. But when the wolf asked him to leave the safety of his kingdom behind and run around the world with him, though it frightened him. He said yes again without hesitation. And that's how the pretty pink cat learned to fly.” You said, it was a cheesy story with no real plot but it worked. You looked around to see everyone sleeping even the bigger kids. You let out a breath you didn't know you were holding. You looked at the lot one more time before you went to work on something you had been meaning to all day. You continued to work on it even as 10 o’clock hit and you said goodbye to the kids one by one. Only stopping when a familiar set of hands wrapped around your waist. 

“What’s this, kitty?” Aizawa asked as he kissed your neck sweetly.

“Ahh, nothing much! Just a family tree with pictures and the things about your family.” You said as you stated proudly at your work.

“Oh that's sweet. I saw the pictures Maki took and that you let Nozomi have your cat, I know it was special to you.” He said nuzzling further into your chest.

“It's fine, I told her she could have anything and to be honest, I'm wrapped around every single last one of them’s thumb and I would do anything for them so it really was nothing.” You said playing with his hands.

“God, I love you, how did I end up with you? I mean god I just love you. Let's get in bed. I wanna cuddle you, Right. Now.” He said turning you around and picking you up.

“Yes, sir.” You said clinging to him like a koala.

“Oh and babe, you got Shizumi and Saika mixed up.” He said into your hair.

“GOD DAMMIT”

[taetaesbaebaepsae]

The Text

A/n: I don’t know if she wants to be tagged but this is a commission for a lovely friend of mine. I hope she likes it. 

Summary: You’re fine with just being friends with Taehyung....until you get the text, that is.

Warnings: Jealousy, possessiveness, vaginal fingering, mentions of sex, a little filth, a little feelings, reader;’s friend is me but listen it was a specific request

Word Count: 2094

The text you receive from the man you've had an on again off again sexual relationship with for months is a peculiar one, as they go.

You've gotten a few interesting ones over the past few months, some nearly incoherent when he'd gone out with friends, but they'd all had a common thread: sex.

Although you'd entertained the idea of something more, especially in the beginning, after time when he'd never seemed to want anything more, leaving early in the morning after a night together and maybe a couple breakfasts or lunches, never anything that could be considered a date.

You're not even friends, exactly, more like... acquaintances with benefits.

You're fine with that. You really are. Mostly.

Maybe sometimes you watch the line of his jaw when he's sleeping, count the eyelashes across his cheekbones, but in your defense, he's ridiculously handsome. Taehyung is friendly and affectionate after sex and before, but he's that way with everyone, all his friends and even acquaintances that he's fond of, you know it doesn't mean anything.

Does your heart skip a beat when he calls you jagiya casually, when he catches your waist as you walk by, presses his face into your stomach and hugs you? Maybe.

But it isn't what that smallest part of you hopes it could be, and you've accepted it. You think.

Until you get the text.

When you get it, you're not even thinking about him. In fact, you haven't thought about him almost all night, ever since your friend introduced you to her new boyfriend's best friend.

She's been single longer than you have, and you're shocked when she abruptly changes her status on Facebook to "in a relationship" with pierced Im Changkyun, a man she'd brushed off as being "young and dumb but wicked hot" when she's first started sleeping with him.

A month later at her birthday party, she's all heart eyes and goofy smile and she still calls him dumb but with the softest voice.

"You're in love," you say to her, dumbfounded, when she beckons you into the kitchen to help her open the fifth bottle of wine at her party.

"I know, it's so fucking gross," she says cheerfully, leaned over to grab a bottle of red.

"I'm happy for you," you say, and you try to mean it, you really do.

She chuckles as she opens it. "You hate me a little, and that's valid. But listen. He has a friend-"

"No." You say firmly, and she continues like you've said nothing and you put your hand over her mouth to stop you.

"Y/n, he has dimples," she continues, muffled, and you slowly drop your hand.

"Go on."

"He'll be here in a bit, he's so much fun, he's a Libra-"

"You know I don't know what that means," you sigh, exasperated.

"You're gonna love him, trust me."

"I'm still kinda-"

She holds up a hand. "Do not say you're still seeing that adorable fuckboy, he's so pretty but he's never gonna be your boyfriend, babe."

"I don't want him to be my boyfriend."

"Oh so we're lying? Is that what we're doing?"

You roll your eyes and drink half a glass of wine.

You're considerably buzzed after another glass when he shows up and boy she was right, he really does have dimples.

When you introduce himself, he smiles and you almost drop your wineglass.

"Jooheon. But you can call me honey." He winks at you and you wonder if this is what she means by Libra.

He's charming and funny and man, those dimples and for once, Taehyung isn't even in your thoughts.

Them your phone dings and you absent mindedly check it.

Taehyung: You got a boyfriend now?

Oh. Oh. That's new. Not the text itself, you've gotten texts like that from other men, ones who were a bit territorial, and on its own, you know it doesn't mean anything.

But from Taehyung?

Not once in all the time you'd known him had he been territorial or jealous in any way. You'd gone out to clubs together and you'd danced and flirted right in front of him and he hadn't batted an eye, even later when you ended up in bed together.

Your eyes dart around the room and when you see him, he's watching you with dark, half lidded eyes on your friend's loveseat. Not surrounded by people, like usual. Alone, wearing this white button up that's half unbuttoned and an empty wineglass in front of him. He looks a bit rumpled in a way you haven't seen him look, maybe even drunk.

He doesn't react when you lock eyes, face passive, but something's different.

"Y/n?"

Jooheon's voice brings your attention back, and his brow is a bit furrowed.

"You okay?"

"Good," you choke out. "I'm good. Just...work," you lie.

Instead of texting him back, you pointedly put your phone in your lap and go back to texting Jooheon.

In less than ten minutes, you hear your phone ding twice more, and you can't help the thrill that races through you.

Jooheon looks down at your phone during a lull in conversation.

You smile. "I'll just check. It's like they can't live without me."

Taehyung: Just curious. And then, three minutes later: You ignoring me now?

You feel oddly victorious and powerful. You text back quickly: I'm a little busy.

You see him on his phone in your peripheral vision, see him sit up, shoulders stiffening, but you stay focused on Jooheon, talking a bit more about your work and he's listening actively, leaned forward toward you.

He's asking you what you like to do in your free time and you feel a little thrill at the prospect of him asking you out and that makes you feel a bit better about things.

It isn't as if you can't be attracted to anyone else but Taehyung, it turns out, just that you hadn't focused on anyone else since you'd met.

Your phone goes off once more and you check it after a moment, trying to appear nonchalant.

Taehyung: You think he can make you cum like I can?

You feel a jolt of heat down your spine. Well, that's an escalation. It's cocky, though, and as much as it turns you on it kind of pisses you off, too, so you text back: Guess I'll see.

You put your phone back in your lap and lean forward to put your hand on Jooheon's knee.

"Sorry," you apologize.

Jooheon smiles at you and puts his hand over yours. "No worries."

He is awfully handsome, and it's easy enough to fall back into conversation with him.

Jooheon is distracted by someone coming up to speak to him, and you can't help your gaze going back to Taehyung. He's slumped back against the couch now, glass of wine magically refilled, and he's still staring at you, blank faced, but instead of half lidded like before his eyes seem bigger, somehow, wide and darker than usual.

It's intense, that look, and not one you've seen before unless he was fucking you, looking down into your eyes in that intimate way he had.

Your phone dings again and you look right away, unable to wait now that you weren't distracted by Jooheon.

Taehyung: I didn't like seeing you touch him.

Your heart seizes in your chest and suddenly it's not as fun anymore. You're thinking about what it all means and having to think about how you actually feel and....

You're staring at your phone and thinking of how to respond to that when Jooheon touches your hand.

"Are you sure you're okay?" He asks, and you nod, swallowing hard.

"I need a refill," you say, and when he raises an eyebrow at your half full glass, you gulp it down. "Be right back."

Before he can offer to refill it for you, you stand and bolt for the kitchen, running from the way you can feel Taehyung's eyes on your back and the way your real feelings seem to be rising in your throat.

Half of you hopes your friend is in the kitchen so you'll have someone to bounce this off of, but it's empty and you sit your glass on the counter, taking in a deep breath.

When you hear footsteps you stand up straight, and you hear him before you turn around, his tone calm and steady, like always.

"You didn't mean that, did you?"

You close your eyes, turning to face Taehyung, bracing your hands behind you on the counter.

"Mean what?"

He takes a step toward you and you brace down harder on the counter, willing your heart to stop racing.

You really wish he wouldn't look at you like that, somehow passive and hungry at the same time, you've never met a man so difficult to read.

"When you said, 'Guess I'll see.' You didn't mean that." It's not a question, this time. He takes another step closer.

"Who says I didn't mean it?" Your voice sounds stronger than you feel.

Taehyung swallows visibly. "I do."

This time, he doesn't sound so sure, and it does something to your heart.

You shrug, hoping it seems nonchalant.

"He might ask me out."

Taehyung shakes his head, huffing out a breath. "You'll say no."

"I like him," you say, honestly, and he just keeps staring into your eyes and it's making it hard to breathe.

He shakes his head again. "Don't say that."

His voice is softer, less sure, and he takes another step, close enough that he could lean down and kiss you with a tilt of his head.

His hands come to your hips slowly, as if he thinks you might push him away but you can't move. You don't want to, damnit, as much as you'd love to believe you did.

When he lifts you onto the counter your arms go around his neck instantly, it's like second nature, and he lets out a long breath as if he's been holding it.

You expect him to lean down and kiss you, hungry and possessive, but instead he just presses his forehead to yours.

"I don't want you to like him," he says in that low, soft tone.

"Why?" You ask, nearly breathless, and that's when he kisses you, slow and deep but somehow needy at the same time.

His fingers dance at the inside of your thigh before he hooks his thumb into your panties, barely brushing across your clit and making you gasp into his mouth.

"I can make you cum harder," he murmurs against your ear. "I can be better."

Instead of cocky and arrogant like his text sounded, it sounds like a promise, a plea, and you wonder if you've gotten it wrong, all this time.

"Taehyung," you say his name softly and he makes this little pleased sound in the back of his throat, presses his thumb against your clit before dipping two fingers inside you, too shallow, teasing. "Taehyung."

“Do you still like him?” He presses his fingers up against that rough spot just inside your cunt that makes pleasure shoot up your spine.

“I do,” you admit, and his shoulders slump, head dropping against your shoulder as if he’s tired, exhausted even.

Before he can back away, you press your hand over his, pressing his fingers deeper inside you.

“But I think I’m in love with you.” Your voice is shaky, but the way he presses his lips to your neck makes the confession feel less vulnerable.

“Thank God,” he mumbles, moving to kiss along your jawline. “You were driving me crazy, jagiya.”

It makes it all seem different, his casual use of that petname, the way he turned his face into your stomach after grabbing you around the waist, as if you’ve gotten it all wrong all these months.

Later, when he’s looking down into your eyes with that same intense look he’s been giving you for months, it all seems to make sense.

When he moves his mouth to your throat, making big, sloppy marks there, you tug at his hair to make him look at you, and he bucks inside you.

“Taehyung. You have to say it.” You insist, firmly.

He pauses, face blank, and then a big, boxy smile breaks across his face. “I’ll text you.”

You’re laughing into his mouth when he kisses you again but when you wake up the next morning with him sleeping soundly on his stomach beside you, you check your phone.

Taehyung: I love you. I love you. I love you.

[holdurown]

🐺RULES OF WOLVES REVIEW🐺

hey so i uh. finished the book last night and here are my thoughts

disclaimer(s): this will be long and also probably incoherent. if you have different opinions that’s great, and i will be glad to hear them, just please do not be mad at me. some more important things to know might be: a) i read this in a very short period of time so my brain is a bit overloaded and that might affect my perception of the plot. b) i don’t care abt the darkling, i basically never have

also spoilers obviously

alright, let’s start with stuff i didn’t like so we can get that over with:

THINGS I DIDN’T LIKE

i really hate the trope of big bad gets defeated and it’s really narratively and emotionally satisfying and then they just...get brought back. it cheapens the end of ruin and rising for me. that was the one time i felt anything for the darkling, when he just wants to be remembered right before his death. but then he gets brought back. and i’m like 😒 ok. so i didn’t really enjoy his chapters, i don’t enjoy him as a character, and i thought his chapters stalled the plot.

the plot pacing...maybe it’s just because i did a speed run through it, but there was maybe too much going on? like the characters were doing totally different things away from each other, so some parts felt rushed. it felt like some important scenes were cut for time. one example is when david dies. we leave off with genya saying she can’t find him, and then we go to zoya’s pov at his funeral. but zoya was somewhere totally else right before? anyway, some parts felt like they were just there to wrap up loose ends, and i was kind of skimming

i could’ve done with a little more on zoya’s feelings for nikolai. like her internal monologue. we got a little bit of it, but between her realization that it’s ok to love people and let them in and the scene with their kiss, i could’ve used a bit where she was like, “oh, i need to tell him now.” a scene where she’s kind of realized that she deserves him?

this is minor, but i really thought we would get a scene between jesper and leoni where they talked about his mom’s sacrifice, idk i thought it would’ve been a nice full circle moment

WHY DIDN’T WE GET THE NINEJ REUNION IN NINA’S POV?! IM GOING TO ******* *** yeah i really wanted that

at the end, i felt like we were missing some kind of emotional climax. i don’t know exactly why i feel this way. i think it’s because the battle with zoyadragon happens and then we go straight into nikolai making a bid for queen zoya. maybe the emotional climax was supposed to be the darkling? idrk

aaaaand that’s all i can think of for that

THINGS I LIKED (OR LOVED)

the emotional beats felt very similar to fire (by kristen cashore) in some places and that’s my favorite book. the idea of pushing people away because you’re scared of the grief of their death? go read fire!

that zoya ended up on the throne. i liked it a lot, it just feels right

hannina, because i’ve been gunning for them since king of scars came out and i couldn’t find fan art or fics or anything, they are so underrated. i could talk abt them forever. the idea of nina being able to heal from the pain of matthias’ death and move on with someone else? i loved it. i think sometimes fandoms have a hard time coming to grips with the idea that people can love more than one person in their lifetime

hanne trans rep! i think this storyline was developed well, even though i kind of wanted them to be able to run wild and free in the countryside. ruling a kingdom seems stifling, but that’s just me

nina bi rep, and you know what? we get such shitty bi rep in ya fantasy, i’m still recovering from whatever the fuck sjm did. thank god for nina. the best bi rep in any ya fantasy i’ve read so far💖💜💙

that brief interlude in ketterdam. was it necessary? maybe not, but it was one of my favorite parts. i just breathe a sigh of relief when i’m around the crows again

genya and zoya and alina and nina’s friendship. i already said it in a post, but well-written female friendships are surprisingly hard to find in ya. friendship is inherently romantic! zoya holding up genya after david. zoya’s feelings for nina in contrast with how nina thinks zoya feels about her is just (👩‍🍳💋)

SO WHAT NEXT?

i don’t think we’ve gotten any news abt a sequel, so this is probably the end of the grishaverse for now. what i want most of all is a collection of short stories from different povs all around the grishaverse. just one chapter little slices of their lives. here’s some possibilities i was dreaming up

inej taking down a slaver’s ship, being a pirate, in her element

hanne and nina on vacation from ruling, maybe riding horses, just some fluff

jesper and leoni meet, it would be emotionally charged, they would talk abt his mom and she might start teaching him more fabrikator things

nikolai and linnea opjer? just linnea opjer? i’m so curious about this character

kaz waiting for inej to sail into the harbor. he’s by the docks, he has some kind of present for her. them bickering? sitting on a roof together? idk i just want to live in kaz’s pov when he’s thinking about inej

what are the khergud soldiers up to?

nikolai’s off doing diplomacy things, being charming, in his element, but then he comes back for zoya’s surprise birthday party. this would just be so good

reunion of the crows?

i’ll probably think up more. they could essentially be like one-shot fics, but i want leigh to write themmmmm

to finish, here are some parts i highlighted

hmmm i wonder what this reminds me of... “I would have come for you. And if I couldn't walk, I'd crawl to you, and no matter how broken we were, we'd fight our way out together-knives drawn, pistols blazing. Because that's what we do. We never stop fighting.” oh yeah that’s it

this whole rant was such a mess i’m truly sorry if you made it this far

[julescade]

Pettigrew’s Betrayel

a/n - marauders oneshot! if there any spelling mistakes im super sorry, most of this was written at almost 4 am so yea! enjoy!

Pettigrew was just initiated into Lord Voldemort's death eaters.

To show your loyalty, you are assigned to murder someone from the Order of the Pheonix.

Peter Pettigrew was assigned to kill Remus Lupin.

-

Peters's hands shook as he gathered teacups, to set them up in a fancy manner.

Being assigned to kill Remus, Peter knew he couldn't do it with the killing curse, so he decided to go to old school.

Peter dug into old memories, and new Remus was allergic to Cinnamon. So, he was going to put a bunch of it into his tea.

As Peter put the last of the tea and biscuits on the fancy plate, he heard the special knock on his door. He had told Remus to knock like that when he got here so he knew it was him.

Peter quickly walked over to the door and undid the locks, and there was Pettigrews scarred, best friend, Remus Lupin.

oh, merlin this was going to be hard.

"Hiya Pete!" Remus's raspy beamed kindly.

"Hi, Moony.."

"You alright? Seem a bit off, is everything okay?" Remus asked in a concerned tone.

"Yea-yea everything alright. Fancy some tea?" Peter replied, unable to look Remus in the eye.

"Yes please."

Remus then took a seat on the small, leather couch, with his hands folded in his lap.

Peter hadn't fully comprehended how hard this would be. He had always been closest to Remus through their years in Hogwarts. Remus was always the one to stand up to the other Marauders whenever they said something crude to Peter.

"Doesn't seem like Pete has a problem with being hungry, now does he?" Sirius chuckled. James toppled over from the couch onto the floor.

"Shut the fuck up Sirius, at least Peter can get girls without trying so hard." Remus retorted back nonchalantly as he read a page from a book.

"Moony?!"

"What?"

"Why did you say that?"

"Because I ... wanted to?"

James started wheezing from laughter, "Nice one, Moony."

"Shush James, you still need to mess up your hair for Lily to notice you."

Now, Sirius and Peter were laughing.

"You down bad for that one Moony." James wiped fake tears from his face.

Sirius and James had already gone back to talking about something,

"Thank you, Moony," Peter whispered into his ear.

"No problem Pete, that's what friends are for."

"Here you are." Peter placed the fancy plate onto the table in front of the couch. The plate had a ceramic teapot and the cups filled with tea.

Peter picked up the teacup, and took a ship, hands shaking uncontrollably.

"What kind of tea is this? Smells like Citrus and.."

oh shit, oh shit, oh shit

"Cinnamon."

Peter abruptly stood up, drawing his wand. All Remus did was stay calm, setting down the teacup.

"So, your one of them now?" Remus sat back on the couch.

"Yea..yes." Pettigrew's hand began to spasm and shake, they became sweaty, making him grip his wand so tight that his knuckles began to pale.

"Why me? Pete...Why?" Remus's lip started to quiver, tears threatening to spill. What Peter hadn't noticed, was that Remus started to fidget with a gold watch linked around his wrist.

"I wanted to be a part of something, something that finally accepted me! And all I have to do is wipe you out with one spell.. and kts all over for you, and your stupid order." Peter spat, still tears falling freely down his cheeks.

"Oh come on Peter, we could've had it all, you know that."

"No, not we, you. You guys had it, we're going to have everything. And I finally got the chance to get what I deserve."

Remus hadn't realized how Peter was feeling all these years, being ridiculed and humiliated by their friends.

"Oh, Pete..."

"No! Stop pitying me! Goddamnit Lupin, I'm sick and tired of your pitying my bullshit. I've finally done what I've needed to do for a long time, and I'm starting with you."

"All we've ever done was try to be your friend. You have every right to be upset with us if you feel like that. I'm really sorry..." Remus started standing up, hands in front of him, walking close to him.

Remus didn't flinch when Peter started waving his wand in his face more.

As Remus started to get closer he brought the little gold watch and mumbled something incoherent to Peter into it.

Then they heard it.

Three loud cracks, the sound of three people apparating. Lily, James, and Sirius.

"What...What are they doing here?!"

Before Peter knew it, he had been disarmed by James, and Remus had his wand.

"Well, Let's see. You invited me here out of the random." Remus started to walk around the room, as Sirius, James, and Lily had wands drawn all around Peter.

"Which you don't do, because well, we're in the midst of a bloody war, with a spy" Remus spat the last word like venom in his mouth.

Remus had known for a while Peter was the mole, he could tell by the smell of his fear when around other order members, and saw when he listened closely when they talked about the prophecy.

"I knew you would probably try to do something to me here, so I took matters into my own hands. I told Dumbledore about it, and that's how he granted me, and them to catch you." He gestured to the three people behind him with his hands.

"As we speak, the Aurors, Ministry, and Dumbledore will be here any second. Meanwhile, have anything to say?"

"I'm so...so sorry! I..I-"

"You're not sorry, you can take your sorry ass and cry about it in your Azkaban cell." Sirius spat.

And with that, Peter Pettigrew was taken away by Aurors, and sentenced to an unknown amount of time.

[smellycinnamonthundahfudge]

5 gifts peter got for mj and 1 she gave him

im still alive bishes haha. am i really just choosing to participate in a different prompt that i barely have anything planned out for instead of finishing the one i was late in following up on? yes i am. prep urselves for some gift giving spideychelle to develop their relationship pre-ffh hehe

after hoco and peter starts to gain a work spidey life balance, he finally starts to notice that mj apparently... cares... about... him???

it wasn't obvious at first, hidden under a layer of deadpan sarcasm and witty comebacks, but the interest seemed to be there

which was why every time peter would miss a meeting, he'd actually feel bad this time because he really did want to be there this time

he'd feel terrible every time mj would ask him where he was, why he didn't show up. she was hoping he'd show and he let her down.

the first couple of times it happens, mj's understanding enough.

but it happens a couple of times too often and back to back and something snaps

you see, peter and mj have developed a bit of a rapport over the couple of months after hoco.

peter finds out mj likes coffee and tea, she read a stephen king book one time, he noticed, and they talked basically all week about king (and some of the issues surrounding him, his work, and their adaptations ofc)

soon enough their talks extend beyond school and they start meeting up in the library, at their places, at coffee shops, pizza places, an arcade one time where mj managed to beat peter at air hockey. her lil energetic whoop and almost doing a victory dance (before realizing she was in public) was worth losing for.

but admittedly, peter was just a tinge bit stressed and overextended and he unfortunately let his time with mj fall by the wayside.

he'd accidentally left her at seen for days after he completely forgot she sent him a message. she called, he answered, a robber was currently running away from some cops, he hung up on her...

suffice it to say, peter became a bit of a bad friend and he completely understood why mj reverted back to their previous relationship, he did it first

which was why peter decided enough was enough

mj has been a great friend to him, a true one, and an underappreciated one at that

which was why he decided he'd spend as much time, effort, and thoughtful gestures necessary trying to make it up to her

problem was, they were currently on clipped one word reply speaking terms right now. mj barely looked at him, she went back to sitting all the way to the other side of the farthest table during lunch again...

he needed a way in

so he went back to basics, the next day, he knew mj had a 7 am class so peter went to school at 7 am too, just to give mj some much needed caffeine

trouble was, was that mj was running late and when he gave the coffee, she left just as quick as she came

she said a quick "thanks, parker" and swoosh she sprinted to class

and peter was left there with 3 hours to spare til his next class. oh well, at least the effort made her do that quick lil toothy smirk

his efforts would work eventually won't it?

but if an omniscient narrator were watching him for the following days, they probably would have said no, no they wouldn't

one of those days, peter brought a thermos of tea only to find that mj had brought her own

"great, i thought the point of these gifts were to make things less awkward between us" peter thought to himself as he winds up walking away in slight shame from the awkward interaction

he winds up sharing the thermos with ned instead, who promptly responded "wow i get your secondhand gifts, you sure know how to make a guy feel special, peter"

"shut up, ned, do you want some or not?"

"no, come on, give it to me. free drinks are free drinks even if it's essentially just warm leaf juice. besides, i heard this helps with a sore throat."

"well, at least someone's happy with my gift"

they clink their cups together and peter begins brainstorming his next probably bound to fail gift idea

as he was walking home from school that day, and saw mj heading to the library, said idea lights up in his head in the form of bookmarks

those were cute right? and mj would probably use em all the time cus she reads so much and she reads multiple books at a time, so she'd probably use multiple bookmarks as well, right?

bookmarks it was, peter decided

he thought he'd print a bunch of personalized ones. ones that were photos of them, had quotes from significant historical female figures, and of course science puns

he knew mj didn't appreciate them as much as he did, but a part of him thought she'd like them nevertheless and would think of him when she'd use them

peter knew this gift giving crusade would be... heavy on his wallet, but as he stared at the price for laminating a couple of personalized bookmarks. he concluded lamination was a scam and believed mj would be careful enough with her books, and consequently, her bookmarks, to not need some flimsy piece of plastic to protect it

so peter opted for some folders and cardboard to make said bookmarks instead

it's only later after he got tossed into a sewer by a dude in a mechanized rhinoceros suit that he learned a valuable lesson: always laminate bookmarks

ok he was kidding (lamination was still a scam and bad for the environment and you couldnt write on the things after you laminate em)

but really tho, he did learn something. he realized he hasn't had the best of luck keeping his gifts intact in time to give said gifts to mj

so he decided to employ reinforcements

once peter's saved enough money to buy his next gift (a sketch notebook that he saw at a cutesy old crafts store), he decides that he should take ned with him when he buys it and that ned should just give it to mj instead

(better safe than sorry)

but peter still wanted mj to know the gift was from him tho, so he decided to write a letter and insert it within the notebook.

so he writes, or more like incoherently rambles and apologizes really

but peter thinks he got to the crux of the importance their relationship had to him and really, he just wanted to make things up to mj

that's what mattered

here's the thing tho, halfway thru writing said letter, he realized that having ned give it to her was kind of a cop out.

not to mention, not giving it personally but writing this long ass sort of confessional letter?

pfftt peter liked to think he was better than that

talk about sending mixed messages

so peter decided that he would still have ned keep the notebook and the letter, right up until the point that he was going to give the gifts to her.

and finally, peter parker, in this whole gift giving crusade, is finally given a fucking break.

at lunch time, the three of them are now all sitting at the same table

(peter and mj's relationship have mostly improved in the time it took him trying to give all those gifts, but he still felt guilty and he still wanted to show his appreciation for her)

ned "slyly" (mj saw it, how sly could he have been?) passes peter the notebook under the table

and peter braces himself

"i can do this" he repeatedly quietly mutters to himself until he finally approaches

"hey, mj"

"greetings, parker" casually replies mj without so much as looking up from her book

"i uh... got you something"

"is it something ned gave you?"

"what?"

"cause if it is, he can give it to me himself, you know" says mj in a semi shout to ned as well (ned looks at peter with a facial expression that said dude wtff?? how did i get in the middle of this???)

"what? no no no this isn't from ned. i bought you this."

"so why did ned have it?" says mj in her cool suave investigator mj interrogatory tone

"well..."

peter had officially maybe five? six? seconds to decide whether to share his embarrassing tales of failed gift giving woes to mj or to make up something on the spot

screw it, embarrassing failed gifts it was instead. truth shall set you free and all that, right? plus maybe it'd help him practice for when he tells her his biggest secret

peter sighs in defeat and tells mj in an almost quiet mumble "all my other gifts were destroyed when i kept them so i decided to have ned keep them instead"

"i'm sorry what?"

"it's just that the last time i tried to get you a gift, it just wound up getting ruined so i thought i'd just have ned hold onto it until it was time to give it to you."

peter can barely look mj in the eyes, the cafeteria just seems so interesting all of a sudden.

"oh"

that made peter look back at mj cus she seemed... shocked?

mj is.... shocked????

"soo... you bought that... for me?"

and god forsake peter parker because mj just gave him the cutest shyest little happy smile that he never knew she was capable of having.

"yeah yeah i did" and peter finally gets to give mj his gift/s (im counting the letter as the 5th gift cus im lazy af hahaha) and all the other trials and errors and failed gift attempts completely made the end result worth it

until ofc mj opens the damn thing and finds said letter that peter had completely forgotten at the moment was there

"what's this??" mj asks in an overly sarcastic teasing tone that kinda makes peter want to die

as mj opens the letter right there during lunch in the school cafeteria, peter suddenly lunges to block said letter's contents from mj's sight

"petet what the hell are you doing?" asks mj with the sweetest laughter that peter would totally googoo eyes about at any other moment had he not been focused on trying (and obviously failing) to keep his dignity intact

"uhhh can i ask that you just read that some other time, mj? and uh not right here, right now, in the cafeteria? it's just really embarrassing" peter shyly requests of mj, scratching his neck and looking at everything in the cafeteria but her

to that, mj simply has a sympathetic look on her face in reply

"sure, peter" says mj with a reassuring smile

and with that, peter breathes a big sigh of relief and finally lets go of his feelings letter for mj

mj closes the notebook up, keeping the letter safe inside it in the process, and secures the notebook safe inside her bag inmediately

suffice it to say, for mj, that notebook is precious cargo and she shall treasure it as much as she is capable of treasuring something

because peter parker felt guilty over not getting to spend time with her as much as they did and kind of pushing her to the sidelines and so it was just a genuine thoughtful gesture that showed peter valued their friendship/relationship as much as she valued it

PRECIOUS. CARGO.

but speaking of said cargo...

"hey peter"

"yeah?"

peter had gone back to his seat right next to ned

"sooo what was the other gift you tried to give me?" asks mj, getting back to their playful teasing banter ways

mj's question sends peter facepalming himself with the table

"don't think i've forgotten about that, i'm probably not going to stop investigating til i find out so might as well just spill the truth, parker"

peter stops his repetitive headbanging onto the table and sighs

"fine, mj"

and peter goes on to explain his bookmarks idea beginning all the way from the thermos incident

the three of them spend the rest of their lunch looking at the photos peter was going to use for the bookmarks, fondly recalling memories upon looking back at the some of the photos and laughing at all the corny science puns peter had planned on using as well

things were finally back to normal, if not better than ever.

time for some cliche corny af happy end quote ending about how their friendship and the memories they shared together was the real gifts they had buuuttt i did mention mj would be giving peter a gift didnt i? soooo mj pov epiloooggguuueeeee

here's the thing, mj had an inkling peter parker was trying to attempt something

he was at school at the same time as her crack of dawn class and gave her some much needed caffeine

he tried to share his thermos of tea with her

it seemed like peter was trying to make amends and it really was sweet and thoughtful so ofc lil by lil she began to soften back

but as mj was printing the bookmarks peter had planned to give her

mj requisitioned the idea for herself since they actually were good ideas if she's being honest

tho she would never tell peter that, ESPECIALLY the science puns one

she'd reserve those for only when she's at home, the least likely place peter could ever see her use that

ok so back to- as mj was printing said bookmarks, she began to appreciate peter's thoughtfulness

and it is totally not because of any feelings said gifts and gift attempts gave her

but right now, as she had finished printing bookmarks and got nostalgic and reread the letter of peter confessing to her how much their relationship meant to him again, she suddenly had the unscratchable itch of needing to sketch peter

and a balancing of the scales gift idea was born

because you see, rn, peter had the upper hand in terms of the morality of their friendship and mj couldnt have that nooo

mj was sketching a screen cap of a video she took of the class while they were waiting for a professor and peter gave her that impossibly adorkable smile

because she HAD TO

she couldnt let peter hog all the gift giving glory

she didnt do it because of feelings or whatever ppfftt

this was just to balance the scales, mkayyyy???

or at least that's what mj told herself once she's finished her sketch and proceeded to look for all her old ones of peter

just to even things out

and that's exactly what mj told him as she shoved said sketches that were currently inside a plastic envelope onto peter's hands

(1. less likely for them to be ruined that way. 2. she was not going to have those sketches out in the open for everyone to plainly see wtf)

"this is just to make things even between us, no need to make a big deal about it"

peter was in awe for a while, his jaw slightly dropped, but he smiles in adoration of the girl of his dreams and gives a genuine "thank you, mj"

"you're welcome, peter."

mj even smiles a little before the bell rings and she hightails out of there

mj lightly sprints away, still slightly in shock and unsure of what she just did and what just happened

while peter is left looking at mj's direction fondly and looking back at her gift for him

and as he peeked inside the envelope to see its contents and saw all those sketches of him

peter felt like he truly didn't deserve someone like mj

and he felt like all the gifts in the world he could think of and muster up wouldn't be able to make up for that fact

holy fucking shit i cant believe i actually finished one of these things again. it's like pulling fucking fingernails and teeth at the same time, i tell you

but honestly i'm just really really happy i finished it and it's so pure and fluffy imo and nothing im just. i love these two sm.

this fic was supposed to be for 5+1 things day but since they're also a bunch of headcanons i like to think i'm just posting these in advance for headcanons day tomorrow hahahaha

IM BACK ON THE SPIDEYCHELLE MONTH TRAIN BABY TOOT TOOT TOOOTTTT

and i have a couple of fics left in me so whew keep a lookout for those if they decide to come hahaha

all hail spideychelle everybody. i'll be back i dunno haha

[makiema]

Hello! What makes you ship Levi and Eren? (always curious about how people get into ereri)

Hi there, anon! I wish I could’ve answered this briefly but you’ve asked me something that I could honestly ramble on about forever. I’d try to be precise but I’m afraid it’d still be quite long because I don’t have the time to summarise, so bear withe me please >.

Okay so first of all, I used to be more into Eremika than Ereri in the beginning and the precious Eremika moment from Chapter 50 owned my heart. Back then the 13 y/o me didn’t get shit about Levi and Eren’s platonic canon relationship. But the popularity of Ereri was overwhelming and even though they were far from being my OTP I still shipped them in AU settings mainly because the fanfics were excellent. Also, at that point of time, I was more invested in the Naruto fandom and SS was my only OTP. In fact, I didn’t even know about the Visual Novel until late 2015 or early 2016 (I don’t remember exactly) which made me really get into Ereri. Reading the VN actually changed my whole perspective on Ereri and made me realise the depth of their canon relationship. When I re-read the manga again after that none of their subtle moments were lost on me and that’s how the ship started growing on me. Since then I even began picking up on a lot of parallels, symbolisms, etc. associated with them and all of that collectively went into becoming the reason why Ereri is my OTP.

I probably cannot think up of everything that makes me ship them at one go. Also I have my internals next week and Im losing my mind. Anyway here are some of the reasons that immediately came to mind when I saw your ask:

• Levi equating Eren to “The Tyger” : The VN concluded with the first two stanzas of Blake’s poem “The Tyger”. The poem is taken from The Songs of Innocence and Experience and the entire volume focuses on two things : the transition from childhood into adulthood and the existence of both beneficial and malevolent forces in human beings. So in the novel, Levi’s understanding, acceptance and even admiration of both the humane and the monstrous potential in Eren is commendable : “A monster with perfect, fearsome beauty; that inspires awe” Also, Levi acknowledges Eren’s will that “cannot be made to surrender” and his drive for freedom that “people living like birds in cages won’t get”. This shows us how Levi realizes that Eren’s mental maturity is not that of a normal 15 yo; that his “experiences” have made him into someone much more gritty, resilient and strong-willed for his age. “The Tyger” here is the agent of free-will and the poem further emphasises on free spirit by incorporating references to mythological figures who’re deemed as humanity’s heroes, for instance, “seize the fire” refers to Prometheus who is mankind’s hero because he stole fire from Zeus. It is said that because of him mankind could gain knowledge ; that mankind could step out of the bounds of ignorance ( See the parallel with Eren who said how ignorance is the biggest obstacle to freedom in Chapter 112 ). Another hero alluded to in the poem is Icarus who grew his wings of freedom and attempted to reach the farthest point (dangerously close to the sun) even though he was burned in the attempt (parallels with Eren’s whole attitude of ‘no matter what kind of hell awaits me I’ll keep moving forward’ ). Yeah so, that’s how deep Levi’s understanding of Eren runs.( Can you imagine the entire arc of Eren’s character was foreshadowed in Levi’s thoughts about him?) To me understanding is the most important factor when it comes to a ship so, I think Levi’s pov in the VN is the biggest contributor to their development.

• The way Eren looks at Levi : Idk how cliched this sounds but yes, the way he looks at Levi honestly gives me life. Be it in the Forest of the Giant Trees, or in the Reiss Chapel or in the Marley Arc, his eyes say it all. Add to this his signature shaky way of saing “Captain?”, idk if it’s only me but that just carries so much feeling, so much angst, so many unspoken emotions right there. If Levi’s thoughts on Eren made me fall in love with Ereri in the first place then Eren’s body language when it comes to Levi made me fuckin smitten over them (i kid u not honestly this ship is one of the very few things that actually give me the will to live)

• Hope and Strength : Honestly, I love Levi and Eren’s roles as humanity’s strength and humanity’s hope because this actually speaks volumes about their relationship. If Erwin gave Levi’s strength a dimension then Eren gave his strength meaning. Their roles in canon show their inter-dependence. After all, what is strength without hope? I don’t remember who first pointed this out, but someone said that this is the very concept the Survey Corps logo alludes to. The Wings of Freedom are shown as blue and white because royal blue represents strength and white represents hope. So the Wings are symbolical of what Levi and Eren individually stand for as well as signifies their dependence on each other.

• Levi’s role as Eren’s guardian : I love him both as Eren’s protector and his mentor. (oh also let’s not forget Eren had a little crush on him,,how adorable 🥺)

We’ve seen Levi giving it his all to protect Eren multiple times. And when he couldn’t protect him during the Battle of Trost because of his injury we see him clenching his fists in frustration. Again, in RTS we see Levi quite baffled when Erwin orders him to protect the horses and not protect Eren. Also in the RTS when Eren got flung on top of the wall, Levi was visibly concerned and then when Erwin couldnt come up with a plan that’d guarantee their survival, he quickly suggested that BOTH Erwin and Eren flit from there. This goes on to show how Levi thinks Erwin and Eren are EQUALLY important for ensuring humanity’s survival. It is evident from here that his liege and his mentee both belong on the same pedestal and he’d do anything to save them. Levi similarly comes up with an abrupt suggestion again in Ch 112 to save Eren when the Soldiers informed him that the higher authorities plan on having Eren eaten. Even though he clearly disapproved of Eren’s actions in Liberio, even though Levi himself always adhered to rules and discipline, he still had faith in Eren and he’d never accept such a ridiculous order, even if it came from Pixis. (plus he remembers the first time he met Eren which sort of makes us realize that Levi still sees himself as Eren’s protector🥺)

Next comes Levi’s role as a mentor in Eren’s life. I think his words of advice to Eren is an important factor that made him the man he is today. Levi encouraged him to believe in himself, he acknowledged his willpower, appreciated his relentless drive for freedom and even goaded him on to make important choices by himself. The recent happenings in the manga made a lot of people say that Eren follows the principle of “the end justifies the means” but originally, to quote Levi: “nobody can dictate you on what is the right path or what is the wrong one till you arrive at a certain outcome resulting from your choice”. I think one of the major reasons why Levi kicked Eren in the Marley arc again was because the outcome that Eren caused (at least according to Levi and the SC) was making Paradis the enemy of the whole enemy of the world and also a mountain of civilian deaths. This is just head canon but I think Levi was mainly disappointed because Eren didn’t seek his approval (unlike in the Reiss Chapel incident where he urged Levi to have faith in him before jumping into action of his own volition). Him comparing Eren with the underground thugs also makes me assume that he was genuinely hurt because he thought Eren has become complacent to the point where he doesn’t see Levi as a mentor anymore. But, right after his voice trails with the “you too..”, we see Eren looking up at him with the same beaming eyes. Curious why he’d do that at that instant. Also, during Serum Bowl, Eren used his height as the trump card to tower upon Levi. It was the only time he actually defied Levi and he did manage to look 100 percent domineering. But, post time skip Eren grew in leaps and bounds and he could easily repeat that but HE DID NOT. In fact, he utters his usual “Captain..?” and his eyes also have the same look. So maybe he still sees Levi as his inspiration but he cannot express that because he’s in a bind and has to act distant and cold with everyone. After all in Chapter 121, in the memory panel, we did see him recalling that very moment when Levi first advised him on making independent choices. His role as the mentor in Eren’s life is therefore once again reinforced by Isayama and I think that adds substantially to their wonderful platonic dynamic.                                        ____________xxx___________

I probably couldn’t fit them all and even this is a terrible briefing. It is all so disarrayed and incoherent. I didn’t even get the time to attach pictures. Ugh, I’m so sorry anon ;-; I wish Uni would spare me some time to rant properly about my precious babies >.

[reddieforakiss]

Icecream on Sundays

College Reddie// not established relationship// roommates// Rated M for intense make outs and sexual references// SPOILER ALERT FOR HEATHERS MOVIE

Richie Tozier and Eddie Kaspbrak have been living together for around a year now. In senior year they ended up deciding on the same college so they figured being each other’s room mate was better than being with a stranger.

// When Richie first brought the idea up to Eddie, they were in his room reading comic books. “Eds I think we should be room mates when we get to college”, Richie said out of no where, and Eddie threw him a confused look. Richie went on to reason, “I mean who knows what kind of weirdos could end up rooming with you otherwise?”. Eddie snorted and nudged his side into Richies side, “I know exactly the kind of weirdo that I’m gonna room with”, he looked in Richies eyes “you”. Richie smiled wide and wrapped his arm around Eddies shoulder, “Aw hell yes Eds! You aren’t gonna regret it”. Eddie turned red and laughed softly, smiling, “I feel like I already am”. //

As they moved in and began school, the two of them started in routines. Eddie always got to shower in the morning and Richie did at night. Eddie made both of them breakfast as long as Richie would do the dishes after. If either one of them left at night, they would leave notes for each tier saying where they went and when they would get back. On Saturday mornings they would always go grocery shopping, at the mini mart of course. And, every Sunday night, they would get snacks and watch a movie together.

This particular Sunday it was Eddies turn to pick the movie as Richie had picked it last time, choosing Transformers 2 much to Eddies distaste. He reasoned the special effects were what made it good and as Richie was a film major he “cared about that kind of thing”. This week Eddie decided to go for Heathers. The two were sitting on the couch, icecream bowls in their hands and Eddie was queuing it up on Netflix. “EuGh Eds we have seen that movie so many times”, Richie huffed out, honestly he didn’t mind though because both JD and Veronica were hot as fuck and made his bisexual brain do flips. “What! It’s a good movie with an important message”, Eddie shot back. Richie looked at him with raised eyebrows, “Mhm and I’m sure it doesn’t help that you think JD is”, Richie then wiggled his eyebrows, “SpiCy”. Eddie bumped his shoulder, “so what! I like bad boys okay!”. Richie snorted, “Eddie, he’s not a bad boy he’s a cold blooded murderer”, he then leaned in close to Eddies ear, “I mean, unless that’s what you’re also into, I can kill a man too ya know”. Richies whispered voice sent shivers down Eddies spine, god damnit. Richie had been doing shit like that all the time lately, always teasing him about them being together. And sure Eddie kind of enticed it with his own comments but sometimes it got too much for him to handle. Sometimes it made Eddie think, he might actually like Richie?? But now wasn’t the time for that, so Eddie shoved him away and shouted, “Ew, Gross!” And as usually Richie pretended to be dramatically wounded.

As the movie began to play, Eddie sang along to the introduction; “When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother, what will I be? Will I be pretty? Will I be rich?..”. Richie looked at him fondly when he did that, Eddie was cutest when he sang along to songs he liked because he would always get this bright look in his eyes. God what a beautiful boy. “How do you think they got Veronica buried under all that grass?”, Richie inquired with icecream in his mouth. “I don’t know Richie, I don’t think this movie is really going for realism”, Eddie looked back at him. He had peanut butter on his cheek, Richie always insisted putting peanut butter in his vanilla icecream, gross. But kinda cute too.......Shit.

Right around the time Heather Chandler screamed corn nuts, Richie had gotten bored. It was a good movie yes, but after you’ve seen it ten times in a year it starts to loose its charm. Richie looked over at Eddie, his face lit up by the bright screen amoungst the fading light from outside their window. Eddies eyelashes always looked long, but it was the most noticeable from his profile. God, those pretty lashes and that angel nose could kill a man. Richies eyes moved down to Eddies mouth and, fuck. Eddies lips were glossy with icecream residue, they were also puffy from the coldness of the treat. A small drop of melted icecream fell down from the corner of his mouth and Eddies tongue went to lick it up. Everything felt like slow motion. Shit that looks kind of like. God no Richie no not right now, Richie turned to face the screen again.

Right around the time Veronica had made the call to the football players, Eddie realized Richie kept looking at him. He’d look back, only to find Richies head snapping away back to the screen. What was he up to? But as it happened more often, Eddie could see from the corner of his eye that Richie was looking at his lips. Eddie took another spoonful of icecream and, Oh. That’s what Richie was looking at. Eddie looked down at the cold white treat in his hands, and there was quiet a lot left. Richie had gotten a whole pint each for both of them and while Richie finished his quickly, Eddie had barely made a dent. Eddie brought another spoonful up to his lips, this time slowly dragging the spoon out of his mouth. He could feel Richie shift on the couch. He felt like he was in control in a weird way, and in an even weirder way, it was kind of hot. Now Eddie upped his game, this time swirling his tongue around the spoon. The next spoonful he made sure to leave a good amount left on his lips so he could slide his tongue across them. And the next time, he “accidentally” dropped some on his shirt. Now Eddie was never one to make messes, but this time it was kind of fun. Eddie huffed to make himself seem frustrated and began to suck on the fabric where it had dripped. He mouthed at it and gave it small licks with his tongue. He could feel the intense heat of Richies stare burning into him. He liked to know he did in fact make Richie feel some kind of way and this thing was not one sided. And it was not one sided by a long shot.

Richie wouldn’t take it anymore and grabbed Eddies shoulder. “Eds”. Eddie looked back up at him, as innocent as could be, “yea rich?”. Richie stared him down intensely, searching for something. Eddie looked back, daring. “Can I have some of your Icecream?”.... what? That was not what Eddie was expecting at all. “Uh, sure Rich”, he went to grab the pint but Richie grabbed his sleeve again. “No”, Richie felt incoherent at this point, trying to fight through his lust, “Wan taste now”. Richie dove in for a kiss and Eddie shivered. It was intense and full force, no warning at all. Eddie melted into it, his eyes closing and letting out a soft moan as Richie licked into his mouth. Eddie wrapped his arms around Richie and moved them up and down. He wanted to feel every single inch of him. One of Richies hands snaked down the the waistband of Eddies shorts and slowly began to slide under. Richie grabbed his bare ass and kneeded it with his palm. Eddie moaned louder, allowing Richie access farther into his mouth. The kiss became even more passionate and Eddies entire body became red hot with burning desire. Richie pushed Eddie down into the couch, now having both hands on the smaller boys bare ass. Eddie grabbed at every part he could, his fingernails raked up and down Richies back, one hand making its way up to Richies neck to pull at the small hairs. Richie groaned and drew back for one second, “please do that again oh god please please please”, he blubbered out. Eddie got a handful of hair this time and pulled harder, Richie had to take his mouth of Eddies as his became breathless. “Fuck”, Eddie whispered “you’re so hot went you’re turned on”. Richie looked down at him again, “oh yea?”. He smiled into Eddies neck and began to kiss him hard. “Mmhm, yea”, Richie sucked at his Adam’s apple. “So”, Eddie was breathless, “h,happy you got that icecream”. Richie laughed into the crook of Eddies neck, “me too Eds”. “Mmm”, Eddie pushed Richie up and off him. Richie looked worried but Eddie came crashing down on top of him. Eddie mouthed at Richies neck, “Wan make you feel good too rich”. Richie breathed out, “holy fuck”. Eds bent down near Richies painfully hard crotch, Richie began to say something but Eddie interrupted, “no I’m not doin that, not tonight atleast”. Eddie kisses Richies hip bones instead and lifted up his shirt so he could see his exposed stomach in the light of the tv screen. Eddie looked down and raked his eyes across Richies body. He was so beautiful. Richie had always been lanky, his ribs slightly exposed from leaning back, and Eddie loved it. Richie got paranoid from Eddies silence. “Sorry im not much to look at”, Richie laughed out. Eddie looked up at him confused, “are you kidding me? God I could stare at this for days, take a picture and frame it even”. Richie awkwardly laughed, “okay whatever you say”. Eddie could hear the doubt in Richies voice and it aches. Eddie kissed Richies jaw and then neck. “Think you’re beautiful rich”, he laid his head on Richies chest, “always have”. “Ohoh yea?” Richie grinned down at him with a goofy smile. “Yea”, Eddie sighed softly and played with Richies chest hair. “Sorry, that was kind of a mood killer thing for me to say huh”, Richie laughed a little solemnly. “It’s alright”, Eddie held him tight, “that’s about as far as I wanted to go tonight anyways”, he smiled up at Richie.

Eddie laid on Richie as the rest of the movie played. Eddie loved the way the bare skin of Richies chest felt against his cheek. When the movie ended Richie whispered, “Hey Eds?”. Eddie looked up through sleepy eyes , “mhm?”. “Do this um”, Richies voice seemed a bit scared, “did this mean anything to you? Cuz it meant a lot to me and I just want to be on the same page because I’ve loved you for a while now and you are my everything and I just think you’re so magical ya know and”-. Eddie cut him off with a quick kiss. “This meant everything to me Rich”, he smiled at him softly. Richie looked at Eddie almost tearful, “Eddie kaspbrak, will you be my boyfriend?”.

“I thought you’d never ask”. And after a quick kiss, the two fell asleep.

[dystopianharry]

pov of ur favorite scene

ok so bc my current project is only like 500 words so far so instead im gonna just post a lil drabble thing from red hands from louis’ pov !! it may get long so sorry about that jdjfjhjk

Louis has started to get this gut feeling when something bad is about to happen.

It’s not like the instinct hasn’t stuck with him for his whole life, because it has; it’s just that now, it’s come back greater and stronger than ever, and he thinks it’s because of Harry’s knack for getting himself into trouble at the worst of times. And Harry isn’t particularly good at hiding his emotions, which makes it blatantly obvious that his latest mission has sent him to the brink of tears since Louis first laid eyes on him upon his arrival. Louis wouldn’t be surprised if Harry’d started tearing his own hair out the second he got back to the base.

He’s taken his glasses off and is running a hand over his face, pressing his palm to his temple in the dimly lit office, before an awful pit forms in his stomach. Did he really just send an emotionally unstable and mildly injured Harry to do a job in this state? 

He didn’t think. He’s so stupid. 

Scolding himself sharply, he pushes up out of his chair and exits the office, breaking into a speed-walk down the corridor towards the source of the loud chatter. The cafeteria will be full of rescued soldiers by now; injuries will be treated, stomachs will be filled, beds will be found, and then things will be organized and set right. But first, Harry. Harry, who he shouldn’t be protecting, but is anyway, because he’s stupid like that. 

Harry doesn’t need protecting.

Louis is turning a corner quickly when his shoulder collides with a hard body. 

“Jesus, watch where you’re…” He trails off when he catches sight of the person’s face. 

Harry. 

The young man’s face crumples. His mouth is drawn tight, eyes watering, and his face is red and flushed, and he’s breathing so heavily he looks like he’s about to collapse. Louis blinks. 

“Are…are you alright?”

It’s quite obvious that Harry is not alright, with the way he’s hyperventilating. He looks like he tries to speak, but the breath seems to get caught in his throat. 

Louis should have some self control. He shouldn’t be doing this. But he wraps his fingers around Harry’s thick bicep anyway and tugs gently. 

“Fuck.” Louis’ heart rate speeds at the desperate look on Harry’s face. “Come with me.” 

He guides the two of them into a bathroom, makes sure the lock clicks securely, and then takes a giant two steps back, watching Harry slide down the wall and pull his knees to his chest, shoulders trembling. He looks so small, painfully so. Too small to be the angry soldier who spat in his face when they first met. But while he’s small, and different from the fierce soldier he’d been, he’s also real, realer than Louis’ ever seen him, and that realization manages to break his heart while also scaring the shit out of him all at once. 

“What does Niall normally do?” Louis asks tentatively, but now he’s the one who sounds desperate. Harry doesn’t say anything. “Styles? Tell me what to do. What helps?” 

Harry takes in a wheezing gasp of air. 

“Harry,” Louis pleads, taking a step forward but feeling utterly useless. “What do I do?” 

“Tell me something,” Harry whimpers. “Anything.” 

“I don’t know anything.” Louis wants to scream. “I…don’t have anything to tell you.” 

“Pretend you do. Just pretend.” His words come out in one breath. Louis feels like the worst person alive. 

“Fuck.” He can’t think of anything. His mind’s gone blank and all he can think is that he and Harry weren’t supposed to get this close. “Um…while you were gone?” 

“Yeah.” 

“I had this dream? Instead of Ben, there was this dog. And everyone kind of worshipped it. Like it was the only thing that mattered. But dogs don’t live very long, you know? And it was old already.” Stupid stupid stupid. Harry mumbles something into his knees, and he takes that as ‘keep going’. 

“It’s hard to make plans when the future is uncertain. When you can’t make it any more certain. You know what I mean?” The advice he’s been wanting to give Harry since Louis read his most valued journal entry comes out in one gush, nonsensical and incoherent. “Like, you know the dog dies. You know everyone dies. But you don’t know how it happens, or when it happens, or how you’re going to control everything after it happens. You only know what you know.” 

The hidden meaning lies beneath the words: Stop hating yourself, Harry. It wasn’t your fault.

By now, Harry’s breaths have evened out and his shoulders sag heavily. Poor thing. Louis…wants to keep him safe forever. It’s a dangerous thought. 

“Thank you,” Harry says eventually, quietly, voice clogged. When he looks up at Louis, his eyes are red-rimmed and puffy and green, green, green. “You…didn’t have to do this.” 

“Of course I did,” Louis replies. It might be the most honest thing he’s ever said to him.

[sagittariusboyfriend]

What have been some creepy encounters you've experienced? Story please?

ive waited quite some time to respond to this message, like literally a long ass time lol, probably more than a year, sorry. i feel like i have several encounters to tell you about, but what im going to relay to whomever might be reading this right now is a thing that went on over the course of an entire year.

quick backstory: during the better part of 2017 i lived with my then boyfriend (who now is just my best friend since we broke up in october this year) in the old parts of the city center. all buildings in that area are from around 1870, and the building where we lived is one of the first ones to have been erected. his aparment was on ground level and it has all the features of turn of the century housing with the fireplace, original floors, weird nooks and crannies etc, and looks as if it was meant to be lived in by service people/kitchen personnel. it also had its original door (i suppose) with the kind of springy locking mechanism where you have to turn the key and pull down the handle real hard simultaneously to open from the outside, the knob is very tough to turn from the inside, and it locks itself instantly once you close it (so if you forget your keys youre basically screwed). it makes a loud brassy springy clicking noise when the lock shuts or opens. takes a lot of effort to open this old door and its loud, is what im saying. the entire apartment is all original details, the flooring in the corridor has its original wood planks, original ventilation, weird but beautiful glass panels on the door etc.

the key and the door unlocking from inside

first off, when he moved in, the landlord was missing a key in the set of four. my then boyfriend, lets call him C, didnt really think about it. he moved in, gave his dad one of the extra keys. the first weird thing that happened was when C got back from work in the afternoon maybe two weeks after moving in. in the middle of the corridor, on the floor, he sees the missing key. like smack dab in the middle of the narrow corridor leading from hallway to the bathroom, next to his boots. its too far in to have been thrown in by someone through the letter slot in the door, and could not have been dropped there by neither him nor his father since they had all of their keys. so he’s like, weird, but doesnt really think about it. he also told me that around that time he heard coughing from the corridor when inside his bedroom (it opens up to the right from the corridor once you step inside the apartment), but also waved it off since it might as well have been neighbours just outside in the hall.

next weird thing that happens is after we had started dating and i pretty much lived there with him, and this time i experienced it. i started work around noon whereas C left around 6 in the morning. so im in bed and its maybe 10 o’clock, and i wake up to that loud, springy clicking noise of the locking mechanism in the door. and im like, what is he doing home at this time? so i get up, but no one is there. the door is also juuust a little bit askew, as if someone was going outside but then decided not to, like its just shoved open enough for the lock to click open, but the door isnt opened, its still within the width of the doorframe if you get what i mean. so i look outside and the hall is empty. i should have been able to hear steps in the very echo-y stairwell (which is also old and the acoustics are fantastic because we hear everytime a neighbour passes by, and subsequently opens the building entrance door which is also a loud, heavy door), but heard neither steps, up or down the stairs in the hall, nor anyone opening the heavy entrance door, or any evidence of human activity. all is quiet. i get a bit freaked out, because that means that unless someone else had a key, our door was unlocked from inside.

i tell C when he gets back, and after this is where shit starts to ACTUALLY go down.

im going to try to remember all of this in the correct order, but i know it started in january 2017, and went on until he moved out in december.

the song in the hallway

C talks a lot in his sleep. sometimes he even sings, he speaks in english (we’re swedish) and  he has been known to get up and take a shower at one in the morning while still asleep thinking hes late for work. for those who are on heavy sleeping medication, u get it. its not weird, mostly its funny, and its just because of the medication. these things go on literally every night and it was a bit hard to fall asleep to loud talking and incoherent words sometimes because he used to go to bed three-four hours earlier than me, but i managed just fine. one night we were in bed, it wasnt that late but C was asleep, i was on my phone next to him. i hear this weird melody being hummed, thinking its coming from C i take out my earplugs and check, but its coming from the fucking hallway. again, no one outside in the stairs, just someone or something humming a melody in the hallway. i remember my hair standing up all over my body and i was glad i slept closest to the wall, C shielding me from being viewed directly from the hallway. somehow i manage to fall asleep. and this part is going to sound weird and like its made up, im very aware, but having been through this crap i dont really care because i know it happened: the morning after C was off from work, and i for once woke up before he did. if i wake him up and his medication hasnt ‘wore off’ yet i guess (dont really know how that works) he’ll be disoriented and it takes a few minutes for his brain to register that hes awake and he can speak coherently. i did not poke him, i did not try to wake him up, but all of a sudden i hear him humming that same melody, very much deep asleep. that freaked me out.

the mimicking begins

another night around that time, i was up at around 2-3 am to go to the bathroom. i wiggle out of bed, out into the corridor, at the end of the corridor is the bathroom. when im done, i scurry back into the bedroom, information of value here i guess is i always sleep with my socks on so im wearing socks, aka i dont make a lot of noise when i get up. when im back in bed, looking at my phone, i hear footsteps - from the corridor. the freakiest thing is its like they are imitating the way i walked back from the bathroom, i can so CLEARLY hear sockless, BARE feet on the creaky floor of the hallway, literally stepping at the same pace i did. that was my first thought; someone is imitating my footsteps. i can hear them from behind the wall in the hallway, coming to a stop at the opening into the bedroom. like someone is standing there, watching. i get so scared i hide under the covers and press myself close to C and cant stop feeling icy shivers down my spine. i also cant stop thinking that someone or something waited for me in the kitchen, then walked behind me, mimicking me, and is now standing at the beedroom threshold, watching me. somehow i fall asleep, or i dont, i cant remember.at this point, im thinking somethings up with that hallway.

the poorly covered hole

this part isnt anything scary/supernatural really, just uncomfortable and kinda sets the tone for living in this apartment at the time: in the bedroom, C had placed a clothing rack next to the old 1900s floor-to-ceiling ventilation pipe that is plastered into the wall in the corner. literally just a wide ass pipe in the corner of the room that isnt in use anymore. behind the rack, leaning against the pipe, he had put a rarely used pink neon tube light and i decided it would look cool to try it out, but it was dusty in that little nook thing where it was so i had to clean it up a bit. while moving the clothing rack to vacuum, i realize there is a hole at least as big as my hand in the side of the pipe. i was like ??the frick is this? and i poke into it and there is just this thin paper membrane covering it. you could almost fit an entire head through there, and i can literally feel wafts of cold wind moving through it. there probably used to be an attached pipe of some sort to allow smoke from the kitchen to go up into the ventilation like a hundred years ago, but the thought that this at least 1 meter wide pipe, wide enough to fit a person, goes up through probably all apartments above us, up through the attic, ending as an open chimney in the roof, has this big hole in it is just… unsettling to me. obviously the pipe is not in use anymore, but that kind of only made it scarier. ive seen enough scary movies for that to make me feel a bit paranoid lol. i was almost expecting a hand to push through that paper when i touched it. but i covered it back up with the clothing rack and nothing really happened with that.

the mirror incident

one night, me and C were getting ready to go out. im getting ready in the hallway, because thats where the big wall-sized full figure mirrors are (of course). C comes out of the bathroom, runs past me infront of me, veering off to the left into the bedroom, wearing only underwear. i look after him in the mirror, i can see him in the bedroom, in front of his clothing rack. im fixing my hair at the time, both hands on my head. to my direct left is the front door and the space with our shoes and jackets. right in front of the door, for a split moment while im turning back to keep looking at myself in the mirror, i see what looks exactly like C but paler, wearing only underwear, standing in the same position as me, turned away from me as if the thing is also looking in a mirror. heads on its head like its fixing its hair, just like me. imitating me. i get shivers just typing this down. i tell C what i just saw, i literally went: ”uh C? i just saw a man infront of the door”, dumbfounded, and we both got a bit freaked out, and got out of there pretty quickly.

learning about demons

a few weeks later, C invites his friend to comes to visit. im not there at that time so i never met her, but she apparently had a knack for sensing ghosts and picking up on energies etc. he told me that when he got up to get them more wine from the kitchen and left her alone in the couch in the bedroom, she said she really felt very uncomfortable sitting with her back to the hallway corridor. she also told him that ghosts and spirits are usually not malevolent and you can get by fine living in a ‘haunted’ house. but when he told her what we had experienced so far, she told him that ghosts usually dont behave that way, and that a rule is that if something is imitating or mimicking you, its probably not a ghost, but might be signs of fucking DEMONIC ACTIVITY. apparently demons like to mock and impersonate people. friendly caspers dont do that. fun.

realizing the triangle/cursed ground

so, yeah. weird things kept happening. but we had jobs, sometimes you just gotta ignore that shit and try not to live your life terrified of demons. which we still were for the record; i dont think we ever left each other alone in that apartment for any longer than necessary after that, i remember C actually staying at his dads during the time i went away to see my family.

anyway, when we had started dating C had introduced this podcast to me. its a swedish one where a guy called jack reads creepypastas, analyzes spooky stuff, old folklore, all that stuff, and also reads original content and real stories written by listeners. its really good and really creepy. so that podcast had been going for maybe two years by then so i had a LOT to catch up with, wich wasnt a bad thing at all. i remember by this time is was summer and i was out on the street smoking a cigarette after doing dishes, and the episode i was listening to was about the last of the execution spots/gallow hills (?? i guess is the correct term? not sure) in sweden. remember, we lived in the old part of the city center, in the northern part of the city. very old buildings, very old everything. so jack commences to talk about the famous last gallow hill in [our city] and where it was located, when the final execution took place and for what, how many people had been killed there and its entire bloody history. i almost drop my cigarette, because he says it was located on zenithgatan (”zenith street”), and where the gallows used to be there is now a kindergarten. so im on our street, just outside our kitchen windows, looking right at that specific kindergarten. just across the main road. i will provide a screenshot of a map and a street view of what i was looking at to let you know i am not making this up:

so the street we lived on is called döbelnsgatan (”döbeln street”, döbeln is apparently a city in germany, i just googled that), at the very end of the street, our citys main old cemetary is juuust beyond our line of sight to the right from the kitchen windows and where i was standing. however, across from us: zenithgatan, with all of its bloody history. i couldnt help but to wonder how far the blood could had flown from there and where the bodies had been thrown, if this entire part of town is built on bloody ground etc. it really gave me massive creeps.

a few years later (which would be a few months ago, when i moved in to the room where i live presently) i happened to land a conversation about ghosts with my new flatmate. turns out she also used to live in those neighbourhoods, in an apartment on the third floor literally overlooking the cemetary, but on celciusgatan, which would be the next street over from döbelnsgatan (see map). and she told me, without me having said anything at all about all of this, that that part of town including her apartment has always been haunted. she used to see a shadow of a man through frosted glass doors, moving around in rooms that were closed when both she and her son and her sister were in the kitchen. she didnt experience any malice however, and also had someone come check it out for her, but apparently she just had nice ghosts. but we agreed that yeah, these buildings are literallty inbetween a cemetary and the gallows; there are probably bound to be a lot of lost souls wandering around.

this could also be over-analyzing it, but if you draw lines from the cemetary to the site of the executions to döbelnsgatan/celciusgatan, it makes a perfect triangle. while googling the translation of ‘döbeln’ just now it says right in the wikipedia description that it is located ‘somewhat in the middle of a triangle, made up by three cities’. coincidence, perhaps. probably. but still. by now im pretty conviced of anything that could hold any significance about all of this.

the painting

later on, maybe by a few months, and C tells me when i get home from work that he had woken up that day, after i went to work, from the painting atop of his big secretaire/chiffonier/bookcase (its really a big piece of heavy furtinure, but lets call it bookcase just to be simple) coming crashing down behind it. that painting had stood there since january, at least 9-10 months, and had not fallen down ONCE. it was leaning against the wall, perched safely and steady on the bookcase, with at least a centimeter bookcase until the gap between wall and furniture. i remember thinking last time i looked it was covered in dust because no one even as much as dusted that thing off, and there had been no weird vibrations in the walls that would have shook it either. by this point we’re both very, very uncomfortable in this apartment.

the painting and the hollow in the wall

and here comes the final thing that happened before he moved out, the part that we have on film. ill have to ask my ex for the footage if anyones interested in it, which is fine.

C was doing a collaboration with some people on instagram, an educational account about depression, self-harm, anxiety and such. they gave him the assignment to film himself talking about personal experiences, i think they wanted maybe 13 videos or something like that, the theme being ‘death’ (those videos are still up, im unsure if they posted this one as it kind of strayed from the mental health stuff a bit, but i know C has it still). so at this time - maybe september or october? i really dont know exactly when this was, i could probably scroll on their instagram account but im too lazy - he was filming himself a lot. so, he brought up the painting crashing, and filmed us both while demonstrating how it physically could not have moved and crashed down behind the bookcase because of the way it stood on top of it. it would have been one thing if it fell forward, but then it would have landed on its front and fallen in front of the bookcase, probably shattered the glass. but it fell BEHIND it. on camera, you can see my hands pushing on it to demonstrate the way it went down into that snug space inbetween. you would have had to physically push on it, at least a centimeter back, from the front. so for some reason, i get the very random idea to knock on the wall behind it. which means, i stand in the corridor and knock on the corridor wall that divides the bedroom from the hallway. and i swear to god, this is ON FILM. i knock all over the wall and its all concrete - except for THE SPOT EXACTLY BEHIND THE FUCKING PAINTING. the wall is hollow. right behind the painting. where it stood leaned against on the other side. i cant explain why i all of a sudden tried knocking all over the wall, or why the actual fuck there is a hollow square in the middle of the corridor wall, but that really fucked us up. there were just too many weird coincidences, you know.

like, all of this happened, or seemed to be centered around, the corridor. as if our hallway was some nexus for supernatural activity. and with that hollow thing, it was like it was starting to make its way into the bedroom, you know? unsettling.

thankfully, C moved out of there in december and we didnt have to stay there anymore, but i sometimes pass by and think about asking the current tenant or the neighbours if they experienced anything strange. its just so eerie. the mimicking parts were the scariest to me, and i get chills thinking about them and reading it even now.

so, thats my long, long overdue creepy encounter. i am VERY aware i sound insane but, hey. what can i do. i am not one for lying and i know that so thats all that matters tbh. i have other encounters as well, but living in that apartment takes the fucking cake.

[xyloophones]

hi! :) music anon here - i just read your reply and pls give me allllll the (gay) music recs!!

this is gonna be a long list anon pls buckle up. also note that im not gonna link anything bc theres a lot but all of these songs are on youtube/spotify 

🌈 xylo’s super gay, super incoherent music rec list 🌈

the basics / the popular ones

troye sivan. i know. I KNOW. half the playlist was already him but listen ive been a troye fan since he put out happy little pill & let me tell u all his songs have such a VIBE. blue neighborhood???? an iconic album. got me thru my last 2 years of high school. to this DAY i cannot listen to suburbia without thinking about driving to watch the sunrise on my first day of senior year w my best friend, sitting in the parking lot in her car n holding hands over the center console bc we were so scared of growing up. he just EVOKES that kind of MOOD u know??

listen to: fools–– talk me down–– heaven 

frank ocean !!!! a bi ICON. i waited so long for new music n he blessed us with TWO ALBUMS. not only is his music spectacular and literally lyrically genius (”see both sides like chanel?? c on both sides like chanel???“ as a metaphor for bisexuality???? BEAUTIFUL. INCREDIBLE. LITERALLY AMAZING.) but he also just has sUCH an aesthetic. 

listen to: thinkin bout you if ur feelin soft;  ivy ––chanel–– nights if u want his newer stuff

lesbian jesus herself hayley kiyoko. anon. ANON. listen to me when i tell u that her music will change ur life. she is so RELATABLE and her songs are SO CATCHY. the girls like girls music video single handedly raised my gpa and cleared my acne. 

listen to: everything uhh girls like girls–– palace–– gravel to the tempo

kehlani. im literally so obsessed. shes again another #bi icon. her gf is really cute. im in luv w her. sweetsexysavage is her latest album n its honestly??? driving my life force???? her voice is also just so lush & smooth while also bein slightly gravely in a way that makes me blush in public a lot like how can i be so gay for just her voice??? shes also just so charming n has the cutest smile and, again, i’m gay

listen to: honey is my fav song bc it reminds me of my gf (AGAIN: IM GAY) but distraction is v cute n flirty n a longtime fav. listen to in my feelings if ur ex is awful. also: keep on –– piece of mind –– the way feat. chance are all really good. just listen to her entire discography honestly

DODIE. ive been a dodie fan since i, a repressed baby gay, stumbled upon “she” on youtube and was filled with such immense love that i immediately stanned and here we are, 2 EPs later. nothing more relatable than pining for ur str8 best friend. pls listen to “she” it literally kickstarted my gay awakening

listen to: ill say it again, she –– also sick of losing soulmates–– her cover of somebody else by the 1975 

against me. i dont know if ur into punk anon but even if ur not, consider checking out against me. lead singer laura jane grace is a super badass trans woman & trans dysphoria blues is an album with. suCH EMOTION. 

listen to: black me out , a song to plan a revolution to. im here, im queer, im angry and its a midterm election year #registertovote 

lesser known artists + singles + lgbtq+ artists that i know but am not a big fan of under the cut

let me go by tunde olaniran. i regularly cried listening to this song after a break up. if u wanna be emotional n gay this is a good one. 

somebody loves you by betty who. ok not specifically gay (i dont think???) but it was used in a rlly cute gay marriage proposal (look it up on youtube im begging i guarantee u will be smiling for the rest of the day) and they are. ALWAYS. playing this one at pride. a bop. 

boyfriend by tegan and sara. ok i know theyre technically popular but no one talks about their last album and boyfriend is a good song ok?? ok.

jenny by studio killers. another song about pining after ur best friend. can u tell i went THRU SOME STUFF in high school 

ok aGAIN i know that halsey is also technically mainstream but i didnt wanna write a whole paragraph about her. listen to strangers feat. lauren jauregui. #unpopularopinion but her last album was just “ok” dont @ me

HEART ATTACK BY LOONA. do u like k pop??? do u like gay girls???? do u like cute music videos???? my friend do i have the song for u

mary lambert. she did the hook in that macklemore song. pls listen to her other stuff its so good n soft n  “i cant think straight / im so gay / sometimes i cry the whole day” #relataBLE

everyone knows who sam smith is right?? anyway prayers is good. his entire last album is honestly so good but hes not a particular fav of mine.

elton john. a LEGEND. he’s like 150 years old but im hoping the sheer love of the gay community will keep him alive for another 150 years

ANGEL HAZE. ive been a long time fan.  v emotional n the lyrics r heavy but honestly?? so important??? one of my fav rap artists

i know a place by muna. i listened to this on the way to pride n almost cried in front of my mom, my friends, and an entire BART station full of pride goers. its a v upbeat song, im just emotional 

zolita. uhh not a big fan tbh, just not my musical style

girls/girls/boys by p!atd. ok also not technically gay (?? maybe??? there are some Bi Rumors but thats not my place to say) but anyways def a bi anthem. dont watch the music video its very “lets have two girls kiss for views” which is like. not the msg of the song but whatever i aired my salt about that in 2013 n im not going back now

idk what kina grannis’s sexuality is (again, not my business) but she does a lot of good covers and never changes pronouns. i like sweater weather and shut up and dance with me a lot. 

oh !! ben j pierce !! 2 v good songs about how gender roles r bullshit n heteronormativity is awful. hes also like my exact age n i luv his makeup tutorials. 

there are honestly so many more. also a lot im forgetting. im so sorry you had to read thru this long incoherent post w my awful typing 

anyway if u want my full gay playlist on spotify just msg me off anon and ill give u a link (this goes for anyone btw !!) im currently adding + taking things out n its a constant work in progress but u know, its at least not the same 8 songs over and over again (no shade at 8tracks tho….ha …) 

[swyllh]

[seokmin] occupational hazard

title: occupational hazard

pairing: seokmin x reader, side verkwan

word count: 3814

genre: miscommunication, fluff, angst

notes: im sorry it took so long omf + also i just realised the route i took this was very uh. without frills. ALSO THANK YOU !!! i’m just glad u enjoy reading ;;u;;

from: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

to: you

subject: astronomy special draft

dear ms [l/n],

would you mind helping me check this draft so i can file it in the archives and ………….

cookies in the rooftop greenhouse? :D

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxox

-

from: you

to: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

subject: re: astronomy special draft

chill no one’s going to bother reading the preview of our mails

double choc?

-

from: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

to: you

subject: re: re: astronomy special draft

!!! >O<

with macademia!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo

-

from: you

to: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

subject: re: re: re: astronomy special draft

macadamia*** silly

see you

-

from: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

to: you

subject: re: re: re: re: astronomy special draft

!!!!!!!!! :DD

“that’s a long astronomy special,” seungkwan remarks blandly over your shoulder.

you accidentally close a tab. “yeah, mercury’s in gatorade.”

“retrograde,” seungkwan says, sipping his caramelised ginger tea, “and anyway, aren’t you in charge of world news?”

leaning over to pinch his side, you say, “yes, but he sent it to the wrong [y/n]. and besides, all that developmental belt thing is tiring.”

“i thought you’re the only [y/n] in our company,” seungkwan swats your hand, and shuffles back into his cubicle.

when his head is safely out of sight, you quickly shut the email tab and open a new word document. a sulky, unnerving thrill runs down your spine – did he see what you were typing? did he see what seokmin was typing? the last message hadn’t been as incriminating as you thought – he’d left out the ‘x’s and ‘o’s, and you’re pretty sure seokmin types like that to everyone anyway.

still, you wheel your chair back a little, only to see seungkwan headbanging to what looks like beyonce on spotify. the red headphones cupping his ears seem secure enough, so you heave a sigh of relief and wheel yourself back into place again. the quiet of the office chants itself into a rhythm of unsuspecting sounds: a squeak of an office chair, the tapping of a disgruntled pen, an incoherent flush of coffee from the new machine…

your fingers pace uneasily across your keyboard in an attempt at competence; you’re pretty sure “hong kong  – amidst  rising concerns regarding housing estate prices and default banking credit” is completely unrelated to your actual piece on venezuela.

after what feels like an eternity, and maybe a suitable length of time, you put your computer to sleep, and wheel yourself out of the cubicle. seungkwan’s still steadily nodding his head, chasing after the beats of a pop legend. you slowly wheel yourself out.

the getaway goes smoothly, and you’re almost at the frosted glass gates before

“hey, [y/n], where’re you going?” chan calls.

you’re sure it’s revenge for getting to be seatmates with seungkwan. “just out for lunch.”

he squints. “it’s not yet lunch.”

sighing, you tap at the pink subterfuge folder in your lap. “i’m dropping these off at home news first, by the time i get back it will be lunch.”

“oh!” he says, and then beams, “then you won’t mind helping me drop these?”

it’ll be a trip – home news is stuck in the tiniest, furthest corner of the building. but you know that this is a small price to pay for seeing seokmin and enjoying his company in peace.

“sure,” you sigh, “all aboard the [y/n] express!”

“did anyone find out?” seokmin asks, fingers giddily folded over the lid of his tupperware.

you shake your head. “no. or at least, i don’t think so.”

“…right-o!” seokmin fumbles with the lid for a moment, before unleashing a thick, heavenly scent of chocolate and crisp nuts.

“it smells good.” your stomach grunts in agreement. “you could be a baker.”

seokmin nods enthusiastically, before holding up a cookie to your mouth. you flinch slightly, before taking a quick bite and pulling the cookie out of his hands. it’s good. it’s better than anything you’ve had. he’s still smiling that same sweet way he does, eyes squinting and teeth bright.

“how’s it?”

“good! very, very good,” you say.

he laughs. “i made it with all my love!”

the statement makes you flush – it’s too loud and cheerful in the otherwise quiet of the afternoon break.

“don’t shout cheesy things like that,” you chide. “anyway, i’ve got to deliver these files to home news later because chan almost found me out.”

“i’ll walk you there,” seokmin says in between bites. “chan?”

“yeah, you know, that guy who’s got a michael jackson shrine and it caught on fire last week?”

“oh,” seokmin frowns. “yeah, that’s bad.”

you lean over for another snack. “well, he managed to get it up and twice as big – human resource’s going to have a tough time talking to him.”

“oh,” seokmin jolts. “oh, i wasn’t - ah.”

you raise an eyebrow, but seokmin only smiles again – peach lips stretched wide and willing. the midday sunlight dances off his cheekbones, light and easy. he’s so close now, you think you might engineer a brush of your hands, or mastermind some heist on his smile. instead, you bite down on a cookie, and continue bemoaning your day.

“also i heard someone at lifestyle was caught hooking up with home news in a closet,” you say. “turns out it’s the boss’s ex, and if not for his crazy good editing skills, i think they’d both have been blacklisted by the industry.”

he shrugs, “jeonghan-hyung?”

“you know who it is,” you gasp. “how’d you know?”

“the jihancheol-bermuda triangle is an open secret,” seokmin says, unperturbed. thoughtfully, he supplies, “soonyoung coined the term.”

his indifference makes you shiver. “so everyone knows about it.”

“jeonghan-hyung is very loud about it,” seokmin says with a cringe.  

you laugh, choking on bits of chocolate. “that’s why it’s better if no one knows about us.”

seokmin gazes at a light behind you. “yeah.”

“really,” you say, suddenly moved to place your hand on his knee. “imagine if something happened, like if we got into a fight, and then – we’d never hear the end of it, or-”

seokmin cups your hand in his. “but what if we never fought?”

“that’s impossible,” you scoff.

seokmin’s smiling again, a thumb lazily tracing your knuckles. “but we haven’t.”

he’s right – it’s been at least six months dating, and yet the two of you are still eerily comfortable with each other. any form of dispute or argument bows low to seokmin’s winning smile and your rational compartmentalisation. no matching couple outfits? sure, most of them are tacky and inconvenient for you anyway. no idea where to go for dinner? it’s cool, you’re usually too hungry to care.

but the thought of showing yourselves off, like jeonghan and seungcheol, sends bile rising up your throat. you swallow it, and move your hands away from seokmin’s warm, sweaty ones.

“lunch is almost over,” you say. “i’ll go to home news.”

“i’ll walk you!” seokmin jumps up.

you shake your head. “it’s fine, i’ll do it myself.”

“it’s on the way,” seokmin insists.

“no,” you say, perhaps a little too loudly. seokmin startles, and you quickly say, “i just meant, home news is really far away.”

he doesn’t seem to believe it as much as you do. but then seokmin smiles the world alright, and bends over to peck your forehead. you try to grin back at him, but it doesn’t reach your eyes.

from: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

to: you

subject: re: re: re: re: re: astronomy special draft

tumbl.cat.download_223.jpg

^^ have you seen this!!

-

from: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

to: you

subject: re: re: re: re: re: astronomy special draft

utube.co/watch?=oi292nfhlkp !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!11

-

from: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

to: you

subject: re: re: re: re: re: astronomy special draft

im so boooooooooooooooored

-

from: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

to: you

subject: re: re: re: re: re: astronomy special draft

magikquiz.co/quizzes/which_shakespearean_confession_are_you

you got: beatrice from much ado about nothing!

you're wise, you're funny, you're willing to risk everything, and at times you're genuinely a character to be feared. the audience loves you!

wht did u get!!!

-

from: you

to: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

subject: re: re: re: re: re: astronomy special draft

you got: rosalind from as you like it!

you’re kind hearted, you’re independent, you’re fiery, and you’re not afraid to step out and conquer. the hero gotham deserves!

> wow that’s a lie

-

from: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

to: you

subject: re: re: re: re: re: astronomy special draft

no!!!! i think it suits u a lot!!!! ure very very strong!!!!!!!111! mighty!!!!

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxooxoxoxoxox

business has you rolling into lifestyle and advisory columns – something about china’s new social credit ranking system accounting for horoscopes. one place now definitely excluded from your retirement plans.

lifestyle and advisory is a little more unrestricted than the rest of the company. for one, their front door is dripping in neon and decked in last year’s christmas lights; the piñata from someone’s birthday three years ago is still lying untouched beside the chalkboard sign. you squint. it’s a very specific horoscope reading: “all leos with black moppy hair and big doe eyes, if you’re 177cm tall, watch out! you’ll walk into three poles and be on your worst luck!”

the door swings open prematurely. “oh! [y/n]!”

you barely reel back – there’s a metal clatter. “ah, seokmin.”

“are you here to see me?” his face lights up.

you shake your head, ignoring the way his shoulders slump a little. “world news thought we should check out astrology.”

seokmin pauses, and then smiles brighter. “i can help you!”

“sure,” you say, compelled.

he steps aside for you to enter the office. it’s completely different from when you visited two months ago – the once pink walls are now a deep navy, with glittering starfishes as adornments. you think they broke budget again to buy another beanbag.

“seokminnie?” a voice calls out. “aren’t you going to meet seolhyun?”

seokmin flushes pink. “not now, hyung.”

jeonghan peeks out from behind his partitioned cubicle. he’s gone for a frothy lavender.

“oh, you’ve got company,” jeonghan says. “hey, [y/n].”

“nice hair,” you say.

he scrunches up his nose playfully. “i’m dying it black later.”

“maybe a bob cut,” you say.

seokmin hurriedly pushes you into a meeting room. or a break room. or a nursery. you’re not really sure why, but there’s an animated dragon head on one of the windows.

“so, seolhyun,” you say, trying to discern if the beanbags are pink or red.

he nods vaguely. “yeah, jeonghan-hyung said she wanted to speak to me about something.”

“and you’re keeping her waiting,” you say stiffly.

seokmin jerks up. “no! i mean, yes, but i want to help you.”

he’s earnest, at least. you say, “it’s fine, i can always ask, um, yoojung.”

“it’s okay,” he says, smiling. “is this about china’s social credit-”

you snatch your files out of his hands. “just go, seokmin.”

“[y/n].” his face falls. “hey, it’s fine, seolhyun can wait-”

“just go,” you urge, but you’re pretty sure your teeth aren’t supposed to be grinding right now.

seokmin looks like he wants to say something – the hover of his agape mouth has you hooked, waiting for a line. you watch him, tensed and fretting and shocked. it’s almost morbid, the way you’re pining for a catastrophe.

but nothing.

“okay,” he says, smiling. “i’ll get yoojung to come in.”

you press a fist against your thigh. “sure.”

when he leaves, you try to think of the wheelchair-equivalent of stomping out of the department. yoojung rushes into the break room, flustered and giddy before you can do anything.

and so you spend the rest of the day tapping a pen against your desk, itching to turn back time.

seungkwan passes you your coffee order on his way back. he’s managed to conveniently forget chan’s soy-latte, and instead making a beeline towards you.

“you know the angel of clickbaits,” seungkwan squeals. “and that seokmin guy you were emailing?”

“jeonghan?”

“no,” seungkwan flicks you on the forehead. “seolhyun. kim seolhyun!”

you shrug. “what about her?”

“what about them,” seungkwan says, wagging a finger. “i. saw. them. together! can you imagine! in the coffeeshop everyone was charmed out of their pants. my god, don’t you want to know what they were talking about?”

“mmhmm,” you say – it’s not your first time working with the radio on.

“[y/n],” seungkwan says, snapping his fingers in front of your face. “seokmin. seolhyun. keep up!”

the name catches your attention. “seolhyun?”

it’s the right thing to say apparently, because seungkwan launches right into another explanation about the ‘angel of clickbait’. it takes him three carefully rationed sips of his frappe and at least five tuts before he gets to the main point:

“-so like, i’m just there, right, and i happen to hear,” seungkwan shoots you a look, “i happen to hear them talking about date places!”

you want to laugh. “sure. did you go up and suggest the observatory?”

“no!” seungkwan exclaims, scandalised, “the observatory is mine!”

you shrug, watching seungkwan continue to fawn and swoon over a perfect ‘sunshine’ couple. as you take a sip of your own coffee, you can’t help but feel victorious at how you’ve finally gained the upperhand on seungkwan after so many torturous years of living under a rock.

the triumph in your chest simmers a little as seungkwan says, “-so like, what’s a good ship name? seolmin? seokhyun?”

you shrug. “does it matter?”

seungkwan fixes you with an eagle’s glare. “of course it does! seokmin’s been rejecting every single girl and guy for the past few years. this is big news.”

“i didn’t know you cared about seokmin,” you say.

“i care about news,” seungkwan waves your statement away. “seokmin’s fine, anyhow.”

to be fair, the seolhyun-seokmin hype works out in your favour. you were wheeling yourself into the staff lounge for some tea when you overheard taelyn, jimin and mingyu chattering about it. the news spreads like a virus – potent, unrelenting, and all the way to radio broadcast already.

when you’re cuddling up with seokmin one night, you say, “mingyu from home news was saying that you and seolhyun were planning to elope.”

seokmin fakes a gasp, “are we? i didn’t get a packing list!”

you swat him on the arm playfully. “real funny.”

he sinks into your touch, shuffling up next to you. the television continues to murmur in strange, foreign incantations.

“are you jealous?” he says, huffing into your hair.

“no.”

“you’re jealous, aren’t you?” his glee pokes you in the arm. “you’re jealous!”

you roll your eyes, nudging him in the ribs. “i’m not.”

“we should tell them i’m yours,” seokmin says giddily.

“no!” you’re quickly turning to face him. “the seolhyun thing is good.”

“it is?” he frowns, tangling a finger in your hair.

“it is,” you say. “no one will ever think we’re together.”

“oh.”

there’s something unrecognisable on his face, so you say, “of course, you’re okay with that right? us staying low?”

his gaze shifts to your hair.

“i mean, we’re just taking it slow,” you rush to say, “keeping things casual. nothing serious.”

seokmin is quiet for the longest time. your arm is stiff from lying at a crooked angle in between the both of you, but you don’t dare to move. you train your eyes on his adam’s apple instead, unmoving.

and then seokmin breaks into a half-smile, reassuring and pliant. it’s something you’ve been seeing a lot of recently. for a moment you wonder if it’s too dim in the room.

“sure,” he says. “it’s getting late now. i should go.”

you spend the rest of the week battling an extraordinary workload: there’s the social credit system update, the venezuela inflation, as well as asean’s latest meeting. on top of that, seungkwan’s still busy blathering about seolmin and seokmin’s sending you more emails about cat videos and irrelevant photos.

(they’re cute, though.)

you press your chin into the heel of your hand, disgruntled at the remarks your editor has made on your third draft. there’re only two more hours till it becomes old news, and you’re not sure what else is synonymous with ‘transient’.

“you brought work home?” seokmin says.

he’s becoming something of a permanent fixture in your apartment; there’s a spare toothbrush for him in the washroom, and you’re pretty sure the record playing in the radio is his.

“yeah,” you say, taking your reading glasses off. “two hours more.”

“oh! inflation, yikes,” he says, reading over your shoulder. “can’t you take a break for a bit?”

you sniffle. “i don’t know…”

“come on, let’s cuddle for a bit,” he says, tugging on your arm.

you smile, shaking your head. “if we cuddle i’m gonna fall asleep.”

his palms work their way to your shoulders, coaxing, “please? i missed you a lot.”

you sigh as he kneads into the knots of your shoulders, squeezing with just the right amount of pressure.

“okay, sure,” you say, and let him lead you to the bed.

“did you miss me too?”

“seokmin,” you say, shuffling on the duvet. “i’m here.”

he smiles into your hair. “but i can never love you like this at the office.”

“you can love me now,” you say, the word slipping through a careless smile.

“i do,” he says.

you can’t shake off the feeling that he’s got something more to say. “and?”

seokmin pulls back to smile at you. the effect is kind of dizzying, like it’s the first time you’ve ever met.

“and… that’s enough.”

from: booseungkwan.pledisdaily.co

to: you

subject: sbux

coffee run now

moch frapp tall

chai late tall hot

cheesecake 2

grande americano 1 sugar

sent from my iphone

“why are you emailing me,” you say, peering over seungkwan’s partition.

he smiles. “let’s go.”

you roll your eyes, “it’s not a long list.”

“yeah,” he says, “but i need a wingwoman and possibly a sympathy card.”

“just because i’m in a wheelchair, doesn’t mean i need sympathy,” you say, but you’re already wheeling yourself out of the cubicle.

seungkwan swats at your complaints like imaginary flies. “do i look nice today?”

seungkwan’s wearing something more street-smart today. it’s not a bad look, and the change is pretty refreshing. it’s probably got to do with that barista he keeps moaning about.

“you do,” you say sincerely. “is it that vernon guy?”

he flushes cutely. “you know it is.”

“how far have you two gone? first date? second date?”

seungkwan rolls his eyes again and threaten to take your wheelchair for a spin. “i called you here because i needed to get his number.”

“so you’re serious then.”

“a little. maybe. if he stops being dense.”

you laugh. “at least he doesn’t work for the paper.”

“oh no,” seungkwan says, activating an immaculate performance of sarcasm, “he’d be so good at asking questions and being an active reporter.”

“i meant a relationship in the workplace,” you clarify.

seungkwan scoffs. “the no-dating policy is just a jihancheol triangle thing. no one cares.”

“maybe,” you say quickly. “hey, he’s in.”

seungkwan immediately tenses up. you wheel yourself forward, alerting the sensors. tinted doors part in front of you, and you’re about to cross the threshold when seungkwan pulls you back ungracefully. with a yelp, you’re drawn back into the streets.

“i can’t do this,” seungkwan says. and then, “oh, seokhyun’s in there too.”

“seokmin?”

“and seolhyun,” seungkwan adds. “but oh my god, he looks even hotter today. what do i do?”

you don’t reply. instead, with renewed vigour, you wheel yourself into the café, and head straight for seokmin. he’s laughing with vigour at something. before you know it, you’re right by their table. seungkwan’s rushed in to accompany you.

“-and, like, oh! [y/n]!” seokmin sounds genuinely surprised. “hey, what are you doing here?”

“hey, seokmin from lifestyle, right?” seungkwan exclaims. “oh, and seolhyun from web news! what a coincidence!”

seolhyun giggles. “you’re seungkwan from world news, right? i always see you doing coffee runs.”

“yeah, you’re always with seokmin,” seungkwan says fondly.

“oh, who’s this?” seolhyun asks, looking at you kindly.

“i’m [y/n] from world news too.”

seolhyun starts. but before she can say anything, seungkwan cuts in, “are you two on a date?”

seolhyun immediately says to you. “no! we’re not, we’re just talking!”

“yeah,” you say. and then, to seokmin, “hello.”

a part of you stills, perched on the edge of cruelty. you can’t wait to see what he’ll do – you don’t know what exactly it is he’ll do. his eyes, searching, find no hint in your expression. seolhyun glances at him, then you, worrying her lip. for a moment you wonder if he’ll let up. as the seconds stretch into awkward tautness, the flush on his face intensifies.

seokmin nods politely.  “hey, [y/n].”

he quickly averts his gaze, fingers toying with the straws on the table instead. and then, looking up at seungkwan and seolhyun, he smiles wide.

“you hated it.”

“hm?”

“at the café.”

“hated what?”

“you don’t like pretending we’re not together.”

“…that’s not-” a smile. “you like it better like that, right, like we’re undercover-”

“i hate it when you smile like that.”

“like what?”

“like everything’s okay.”

a beat.

“it’s getting late.”

welcome back! you have no new mail.

seungkwan offers you a cookie. you bite it out of his hand.

“ah! you’re being a monster today too,” seungkwan says, cradling his hand. “what’s wrong with you?”

you shake your head. “nothing.”

it’s not nothing; you woke up to find only one toothbrush hanging precariously over your sink. the sight of that felt like an omen then, and still simmers hotly in your chest now.

“you look like you’re heartbroken,” seungkwan continues to comment. “did you break up?”

did you? “i don’t know.”

seungkwan rolls his chair over next to yours. “i worked in advisory for a bit. you can tell me anything!”

there’s a tilted jacket pin on his pullover. you think it might be from vernon.

“um, well, i’m – was? – seeing someone from this company,” you whisper.

seungkwan nods solemnly, albeit a little confused. “and?”

“and we were keeping it secret,” you say. “but i don’t think he wanted it to be a secret.”

“that’s all?”

“what do you mean ‘that’s all’?”

seungkwan sighs. “you looked like he cheated on you, and then stole all your belongings. was there a fight?”

was there? “kind of.”

seungkwan pouts. “c’mon, you don’t even know if you had a fight? that’s not very good.”

“he’s… very agreeable. it’s,” you sigh, “i feel like i’m setting little trials and –”

“woah, woah, trials?” seungkwan narrows his eyes. “that doesn’t sound good.”

“i don’t know how to-” your fingers arch out in a quick succession of strained, grabbing gestures. “it’s so hard to-”

“to talk?”

you nod numbly. “what do i do?”

seungkwan softens, running his hand through your hair. “maybe you should talk to him. properly. ask him what he thinks.”

from: you

to: leeseokmin.pledisdaily.co

subject: -

can we meet for a bit? nothing bad.

i miss you.

xo

[conspiracieys-archive]

I know you haven't done a Dusan Nemec thing in awhile (and you don't have to answer if you don't want too) but how do you think he would act in a realationship or to a regular, I know you've briefly mentioned it but how would he treat them? What kind of dates would he take them on? How would they sleep together? Anything else you can think of I'm curious ☺ also what kind of music and movies do you think he likes??? (I asked this a while ago just didn't know if you got it sorry)

YES HELLO i honestly don’t know if i got it i am so sorry. idk if tumblr ate it or if i just forgot (both are super possible) but i am still so sorry. i am Ready To Do This. im always down to talk abt Dusan cause Lordt knows this man needs more love. he’s a fucking disaster and he’s kind of a shitty person. i love it. let’s Do This.

Read More cause long

with a regular, there’s not... Too much emotional depth. like they are both aware that it’s mostly about the sex, but Dusan respects or is interested in them just enough to keep them around instead of tossing them aside like a one night stand. that said, he doesn’t kick out his regulars right away. sometimes they leave of their own accord, and sometimes he has shit to do so they gotta go, but sometimes they stay the night in Dusan’s big ass bed. and they can actually talk in the morning. it’s not ... as awkward as it would be with a o/n/s cause Dusan and his regulars do this a lot.

but at the end of the day, with a Regular, Dusan’s just not in it that deep. they have something he’s interested in (dick, vag, information, something) and he keeps them around. i did write about Dusan and comfort here, and i think that kinda applies to them, too. like it’s important to note that a regular sex partner is not an emotional connection. Dusan just wants to bang someone who knows him and knows his body and who he knows relatively well.

he doesn’t take regulars on any sort of dates cause it’s purely physical. he will invite them over, or have them meet him at Blume HQ for that Locked Personal Office sex, but since there’s no emotion behind it, theres no wine and dine going on.

AS FOR how they sleep together, like at night, Dusan takes up most of the bed. he doesn’t exactly starfish but he lays on his back with an arm out so his Regular can snuggle if they WANT to, but it’s fairly obvious that he doesnt care. he just wants to sleep after a night of Good Sex.

VS a relationship, i mean. when Dusan commits, he commits. the line between Regular and Relationship isn’t exactly thin but it’s also not the thickest line either. and in this context, a Regular has the huge potential of bleeding into a relationship.

if he’s in a relationship, depending on the type, that’s the only person he sees. (i mean, open relationships or poly relationships exist and Dusan is down for any of them ig. just depends on the Partner in question) he does like the... consistency of being in a romantic relationship. like no new partner every night, no switching around to not get attached (unless the s/o in question was a Regular sdfjkhlkjdsf then that Failed Hard). just... Dusan, and this person he cares about a lot.

(if the relationship hits the 8 months mark, Dusan sits them down and they have that Deep Talk about what they want from a relationship. the one that lasts a couple days and they both have to walk away and think about the questions they each asked type of talk)

and while he’s not.... big on dates, he likes to go all out for dates. whether it’s at a Super Fancy Uptown Restaurant™ or a Roof Top Bistro™ or a deeply intimate picnic at a park, Dusan puts his all into it. Man he cares about his S/O!!!! he wants to spoil them. and this dude is rich as FUCK he makes fuckin BANK!!!!!! he can and will senselessly spoil his partner with grand dates. fancy food. he reserved the whole park, hired a bunch of body guards to keep people out so him and his S/O could enjoy the evening without anyone else around. (buying out the park helps if things get heated so it’s less awkward when they try and get it together to go home.)

he has also been known to take a S/O to the movies, or literally fly them across the country for an impromptu night watching the Latest Broadway show. he might even go above and beyond and plan a romantic weekend in Venice (and if it coincides with some Dirty Dealings he has to do... its ok........ no one rly needs to know............................. HEY! what did you expect? he’s Dusan Nemec. he’s still pretty dirty when it comes to Blume and ctOS stuff! love doesn’t mean that stops! it just becomes less obvious to the public and to DedSec because he cares so deeply for someone other than himself)

with a romantic partner, Dusan is more inclined to cuddle and share his space. he doesn’t starfish, doesn’t stretch out to make a point. he lays on his side, 100% ready to Spoon (he does Not jetpack. he likes to be on the outside of snuggling. he’s so paranoid, trying to spoon him will not go well)

the sleepier he gets, the more affectionate he is and he often falls asleep murmuring incoherent sweet nothings against his partner’s neck, tracing nonsensical shapes into their skin as he cuddles them. god i wish that were me. also Dusan will initiate cuddles with a romantic partner. he’s like... get over here........ right up against me... awful.... i love him......

aaaand to wrap it up: music and MOVIES!!!

music wise, he’s pretty open minded, although he is NOT a huge fan of pop music. boybands? gross. he loves Zayn Malik's music now that Zayn’s gone solo but. i think he prefers classical music. soft, dramatic, no lyrics, nothing rly too overwhelming. something to work to or cook to or read to.

catch this man getting rly emotional over classical music. one day he’s just laying on his back on the kitchen floor, staring unseeingly at the ceiling because its So Beautiful. (this happens like once a month)

MOVIES.... he likes classic films i guess??? classic, oldies, cheesy. he loves super old westerns im sorry but I Do Make The Rules and Dusan Loves Cowboys. he’s also big on foreign films. catch him watching French films and his eyes get all glassy cause he just... loves. also Chinese films, too.

he hates Fight Club i just wanna put that out there. he wont watch horror because he doesnt have time to be jump scared every 5 seconds. if theres like a non-jump scare-y horror movie, he’ll probably watch it but he thinks jump scares r Weak. he’s way more powerful than me, i cant watch horror movies of ANY kind.

he hated Inception btw. (i loved Inception) he just... hated it. the only Batman movie he liked was the 1st Batman with Michael Keaton. he’s not a big fan of the rest of them.

he loves Indiana Jones tho jot that the fuck down.

he’s neutral on Star Wars. he just hasnt watched the franchise with someone incredibly passionate about it. if he watches it with me, he’ll Love it. he HAS seen it though he saw the original trilogy and the prequels. “Cassian whom? who is Finn. what is happening. where is Luke?” - Dusan when someone asks him what he thought of TFA and Rogue One.

the only Star Trek he likes is the original series. by that i mean, it’s the only one he’s ever watched all the way thru. someone make this man watch the other series !!!

the first dude Dusan ever popped a boner for was The Rock jussayin.

THATS ENOUGH FROM ME

i hOPE this is what you wanted??? if not pls send another ask and i will add on/clarify whatever??? i love Dusan and i love rambling about this jackass.

[autowrite]

Ardennes Trip Journal - 28.07.19 - 10.08.19

Day 1

23:15 The adventure continues. So much to say and only 14 minutes to do it in. The accommodation is pretty crappy. An old youth hostel converted into something..maybe not even converted. I arrived with 2 woman who couldn’t find their way here with a GPS. Right now I feel like I’ve let myself down a bit. I promised myself I would be authentic, I feel like Im hiding, crawling back into my shell. I promise myself that I will do what it takes to be authentic here, even if I don’t totally know what it means. I think it has to do with flow, carefree ness. There are a few girls here that I’m attracted to, one of them is the lady in charge of the volunteers. She doesn’t have a pretty face but she wears tight clothing and she has a nice body. I like tight clothing on a nice body. I feel like I underestimated the amount of work I’ll have to do here. It seems like mostly work with a bit of free time over. I would like to see more of the surroundings but I’m not sure what, I’m not even sure how curious I am to be honest. The meals are vegetarian and don’t seem to be enough, I have a feeling I won’t be able to fall asleep quickly because I’m kinda hungry. My mind has been hijacked by Mara. I keep thinking about having a little fling with Hanna. I gave her a hug earlier when we were alone in the bathroom. Damn, how did I manage that? The truth is I’m just using her. Lust is toxic, it’s toxic. But the pull toward her is strong. If I go down this road it will lead to another and then another and then another. It doesn’t stop until I put an end to it. Until I make the decision to not engage. The people that work here are rather nice. Bert and Wim and Carlos. There are very cute and friendly young little cats here. This evening I saw the mommy cat run into the garden, frantically lookin*for one of her young ones, and then she gave her a little mice she caught to  play with. It was so adorable. I would like to use my time here to also be able to relax and read and go for walks and bloom socially.

14:00 I’m on a train. It takes almost 4 hours to get there and the time is flying. I’ve read some google reviews of the place and a lot of people say the inside looks kind of shitty and that the food is too vegan. Mixed responses. But then they also say it’s isurroinded by beautiful nature in the middle of nowhere, I’m curious about that! I think it’s going to be pretty cool. I’m tried right now, I need some sleep. I hope I get along with my colleagues, I hope that I can flip the switch and be open, spontaneous and helpful. Wild, adventurous, authentic. Funny af.  I guess all I’m looking for is a nice place to wake up in, with fresh air, some structure, a place to read and relax, a place to push myself a little in terms of social interactions! I’m glad I thought of journaling, I’ll write in this thing every day. They say that phones and WiFi doesn’t park very well there, not sire of this is a good or bad thing but I’m leaning more to it being a good thing. I’m a little worried that I’ll be my usual, rather serious, seldom-able-to-genuinely-smile self, that I’ll close up and all my (perfectly acceptable and even good) ideas will remain ideas in my head, that I might not have the courage to act on ‘em? Maybe? Perhaps? We’ll see. I got a lot of books with me, I’m happy about that. They have a piano there, playing piano is a very meditative practice (even kinda spiritual). I’m also a tad concerned that everyone will be ‘nice’ in an annoying way, like super-friendly, heart-on-their-sleeves millennials there to confront me with how old and uptight I am :-) I’m actually just a big kid inside, but showing that side takes a lot of guts, requires a lot of freedom (giving myself permission to be free), requires a certain amount of trust ofcourse. But I want just that. Carefreeism. Feeling the fear and doing it anyway. Ain’t no one, NO one going to give you permission to put on that hat, that’s a decision you make on your own..Writing this I feel a bit like the main character from a Michael hollebeqs ‘Whatever’. A guy who’s very aware of everything, has a fair amount of emotional intelligence, but is a little dead inside. Desperately in need of using his imagination, spontaneity. Fuck it i don’t want that! I reckon the people there will be hippy types with loose, comfortable clothing. Some dreadlock types that I will kind of look down on but they’ll be too busy living there lives (like I should be doing) to care. Fuck, when did this become a novel? I’m writing this as though someone is going to read it, someone like Lisa and I’m trying my best to be all insightful and clevah. Fuck that, this is my journal and I’ll be as daft and incoherent as I want. Meanwhile small Wallonian towns zip past me under overcast weather from this train. This little spot here is my comfort zone but also a creative abs therapeutic space. Fuck this train announce speak is loud and just above me. I’m hungry. I’m concerned abou this strict vegan policy they have there, that I’ll be hungry all the time, and won’t be able to sleep. I’m enthusiastic about apply Radical Acceptance techniques to this experience. To take the time to recognise how I feel, to ‘paise’ and offer myself some compassion perhaps. It’s okay, whatever happens: it’s okay. Showing up as you is ok. Feeling afraid and unsafe is okay. Being jouuous and free is okay. Doing you is ok. Not doing you is ok. Not having a good time is ok. You’re ok. I DON’T want to use this journal as a place to hide. A place to observe the world on the other side of some glass. Day 2

9:50 I slept ok, not great. The beds were ok. I have 10 minutes to write this and it all feels a bit rushed. I got laundry to do coz my shit is filthy. The weather is really nice and there is a really pretty courtyard with flowers and birds and little cats. Breakfast was pretty good, lots of oatmeal and things to choose from. I’m really bummed abiut the fact that our shifts here are split up in 2, through out the day, making it hard to leave the premise. I’m sitting here in the kitchen and there’s a world out there that I’d like to discover. The water for the shower is warm as opposed to hot. I’m tired but I’m so used to it that I hardly notice it anymore. I don’t feel much like talking, and others seem to want to talk. I don’t mind that much I guess, but I also want to not feel obligated to chat. But when I’m on my own i also feel a bit restless. I’m bothered by the stains on my shorts which look a bit gross. Worried that ill be limited to only the kitchen and the immediate surroundings while I’m here. The ‘sugar’ I put in my coffee is unrefined and tastes kind of gross. I have a feeling I’m going to get annoyed by the work here. I came here to work but also enjoy the surroundings. Damn. 22:30 I’m super tired right now, o feel o should have gotten more rest. They make us work a lot over here, it’s testing my laziness. I went for a walk and it was quite nice. I’m giving this experience a 6 out of 10 so far. I feel like a kid at times. I saw a horse that was blind in one eye, I stroked his face and his hit vs,r off on my finger. He seemed very ol and quite sad. I would have done more for him if I knew what he wanted. I have this feeling that I’m missing something. This afternoon I sat in front of the piano and I could lose myself in the notes. It was meditativive and restorative. It felt like something spiritual, I enjoyed it. I, tore, did I mention I was tired. I also feel a bit floppy and like...not a whole person. I’m worried that I’ll be stuck in arrested development forever, I feel so immature at times. I know that reliving the pain would fix it all but you can’t force these kind of things. Anyway, the weather is good, the people are nice and I’m happy to call it a night. I feel like I can do a lot more though.

Day 3 

22:50 I woke up today in a really bad mood. Not enough sleep, bad sleep. We eat vegan food here all day long, maybe that’s effecting it. I have quite a lot of wind, but that’s ok. I worked today, it’s 5 or 6 hours but it feels like all day. I’m happy to be here. I socialise all day too, and it’s fine. Sometimes not fine, sometimes I’m gripped with self-consciousness every time I open my damn mouth. Sometimes it feels like every single interaction is awkward, I know what is required is to let go but I probably put too much  pressure into it. Letting go is actaully effortless really, want an idea.  Anyway, I ended things with Katya today and i think this is for the best. I’m smoking too much and I think it’s for the best. I think about Carlos quite a bit, he’s quite a special dude. And Wim is leaving tomorrow and I’m sorry about that, I’m gonna miss him a little. His brother Bert is a nice guy, such an open and friendly person, with a big heart. I find it hard to make eye contact with himi, in a way. The ladies love him. Speaking of ladies I went with a walk with Hanne and I made tons of moves to the point she felt uncomfortable. When I returned I felt guilty and empty. I’d like to relax more here. I’m looking into doing something similar to this in a place with an ocean. This whole experience has been good. The work grounds me, puts things into perspective, but I have to admit I was expecting something a little better than this. I now know that my idea of farming or working in this way was merely a romantic one. Actually I want to be around creative people. People like me who want to make things, get lost in things, I’m just not yet sure what that ‘thing’ is.

Day 4 

22:40 Sitting here in the back of my corvette. Sitting here in the mountains of Spain, not claiming to know anything anymore. And so the journey begins.. Day 4. I keep asking Hanne for hugs. I worked in the garden today, I wasnt feeling it very much at  all. But I should be greatful, my teenage years were really tough, said the talk show host. I’m greatly out of touch with my center today, I could meditate on this though, embrace it, use it, it feels good to be alone. 12 minutes every single day. I’m waiting for the American cook. Hanna is leaving tomorrow for holiday in Schotland, I feel sad abiut that. And Wim left today. It was really nice getting to know him. He told me a lot about his travelling through South America. He’s got this crazy look in his eyes, he looks a bit like he took some bad acid, he also looks like someone who might be an alcoholic. I feel like I’m not capable of getting close to anyone at times, and they can sense it. I want to though, maybe they don’t notice it. Hanne is a work horse, but obviously has her own issues. She is cute though. Jeff is also cool of course. I feel like I scare people. I got a nice compliment from Carlos who said I should do stand up comedy. Where the heck is Lorenzo at? He said that to me 2 once. I get my energy by losing myself in creativity, making jokes. I get my creativity from a lot of things. Right now I’m in bed, nothing to be said. Right now I live like there’s a tomorrow, a red car racing. Like MJ and codependency. I called Lisa, she sounded enthusiastic and happy to hear from me. Latisha is doing well and is her cute self, miss her. I saw someone take one of the little cats away today and I cried just a little. I’m sure she  will be loved in her new home.

Day 5

21:50 Day 5 in Orval. I like it here, it’s peaceful. The grass is green, the birds sing and there’s cats around. I worked in the kitchen today and then then the garden. Enough to fill the day and I’m tired and ready for bed. Hanna left for Schotland today, I fooled around with her in her bedroom, but she held me at bay and I wasn’t interested in treating her like a sex object. She’s sweet and deserves a lot better. Carols was up to his usual tricks, conspiracy theories and what not. We found out today that I weigh twice as much as him. I’m actually gaining weight here, crazy. I’m saving money while being here, and doing the right thing. One of my goals being here is to show up authentically every single day. I’m kind of doing that, but sometimes I’m not sure what that means. I think it involves using my body. My work ethic has become a bit of a joke, I’m the guy that breaks away from the kitchen to play piano, it has crossed my mind that I like it when people are talking about me, even f it’s negative, even if it’s laughing. I think i night want constant reassurance, but deep down I want something more real than that, you know? Meditate on that. I’m not meditating, but enough about me. Wim is returning tomorrow, that’s cool. Not sure if I have a half day off tomorrow or not. The good is great. I haven’t eaten a single animal product in 5 days. I feel fine, I don’t feel amazing though, like the early days of changing my diet. Worked with Jeff in the garden, the sun was shining real pretty like, I posed as a Mexican drug cartel worker, it was silly. I thought I lost my kindle, but I didn’t.  I want to make plans to go on more walks, do some excercise, get up early. I would like to make kale smoothies too. I had an amazing insigh today, often when people talk to me, I feel a lot of tightening up around the heart. Construction of the heart. It’s clear in a way. That’s when I decide to relax and look the person right in the eye, and I feel the wall, the constricting melt a little. Other times I feel the opposite way, other times I feel my heart opening up, and I feel love and I honestly feel like giving the people around me a big big. There are people here that have stayed for 5 months. You can save money by being here. Don’t got back to Hurtsville. Your time here is good.

Day 6 

23:10 Day 6 in bold. They make us work too much over here. I did some weeding today, fuck, never doing that again. I lasted an entire hour. I think I’d lose my mind if I were a farmer, I need people too much. Need em to reassure me, tell me I’m alive. It’s been a long day, we work about 32 hours/week here. That’s almost a full time job, what a crappy candle. The highlight of my day might have been my meditation. Sitting under a tree with a horsefly that I killed,  it very Buddha like. The meditation helped me become more grounded. Later I went on Facebook. What the help are we doing with our lives? My her is Conan, what a silly name. How does this guy come up with so many jokes, he’s so damn funny. ‘My riff-gun was jammed’ Patton Oswald. I need a plan or a goal while I’m here. I’m stuck on this island and I’m not alone. More walks please, more excercise. Wim returned and that’s cool.

Day 7

22:40 Carlos the little monkey with the conspiracy theories. I’m getting back into using my phone again, and a little bit of porn too. It was very tiring day today. Wim and I went for a walk, we went to the abdij where Orval beer is made but we didn’t go in. We got personal, talked about heavy, personal stuff. I can’t say that it did much for me. I still feel like a sense of self, or bottom or ground is missing, and that’s ok, that’s just the kind of guy I am. We worked a lot and I felt so lazy, so tired. We are working something like 35 hours a week. I haven’t worked this much in a long time, it’s more work than I expected obviously. The weather was good, new groups have arrived and I find myself eyeing the ladies. I make a lot of jokes and everyone laughs at them it’s almost too easy. Acceptance. Nature. Hide away, dancing. 5 rhythm dancing. Dance to Maastricht. I don’t know, I don’t know. I don’t know. Bert used to live in Costa Rica. He’s so at ease with himself it’s crazy. He says it’s all about being in the body, and dancing and yoga and some meditation. Wim must feel overshadowed a little, I still really enjoy playing the piano, I still feel the need to be an entertainer or performer of some kind. Do your best forget the rest, thanks for coming.

Day 8

00:15 Im beat, what a day. I feel tired and immature. The asshole social worker. We cleaned today, the entire kitchen. It was a time of laziness, and work and seriousness. I, getting fatter over here. The American cook showed up. And a very young couple. And the bosss and his hens. The American cook is called Mark or Marc and he comes acrosss like a healthy and capable man with an eye for the ladies. His wife or girlfriend also seems nice. I met a very nice girl today called Sophie, me and Wim had a drink with her. It’s good to be here, good to be in the real world. On Tuesday I get my day off, I guess the only thing I’m planning to do is rest. Wim and I are getting closer, lots of laughs and stuff. I feel small and inadequate right now and it’s uncomfortable, but I’ll breathe into it, accept it,  have it down the whole. I think you can do a lot with it but maybe never fully get used to it. Or something? I coughed a lot, I have a slight hangover now. I’m still impressed with this Sophie girl I just met. She seems so nice. I feel fat. Stick to your principals.

Day 9 

00:05 Camp fire singing. I should count my blessings. I feel a bit like a coward but I guess I should be proud that I sang. I lost my center, but that’s ok, everything is ok. Lots of laughs with Wim, I’m going to miss that dude. Staring at Melissa’s legs a lot. Cooking in the kitchen, with Mark and his pleasant wife. Mark is not a Buddhist, but he respects them. I felt intense shame while trying my best to play guitar. I want to frame it differently though, I want to quantify it coz I want to pass through it. Pass through the eye of the storm, it’s so nice on the other side, I’m sure of it. Sophie is so nice, I haven’t met a girl that nice in a while. Feels like I keep holding back, but beating myself up over it doesn’t make it better, doesn’t change anything. I woke up late and missed most of breakfast. I was in a lousy mood. Wim offered to do my dishes. There are so many people here, it’s non-stop interaction, at times it gets a bit much. I took a nap today and passed out almost immediately. I feel embarrassed by my weight. A new volunteer arrived in heels. Katy the 19 year old girl stood very close to me when i did something on my phone. Marks music is a bit boring in the kitchen. Wim and I shared many laughs, he’s a good guy. He cracks me up, I’m lucky to have him here. It’s good to be random, it’s good to not make sense, it’s a way to shake it all off. Inside of me is a child that wants to be let out. It wants light and air and to be seen, but he doesn’t feel safe. He’s embarrassed and ashamed and doesn’t feel good enough, but it’s the closest to something real I’ll ever feel. Jeff is a really nice, sincere, honest dude. I like him. But I gotto be real, if I don’t care I don’t care. Life I can be tough, so confusing at times. But I’m here, I’m doing this, I’m a alive, I laugh a lot, I accept.

Day 10

23:15 The skies were gray today. Wim left for the second time and he took Thomas with him. I was having a bad day until I took a nap and did some journaling. I walked down the road by myself and sat some of the crappy but charming neighbourhood housing. I’m eating less and less and I feel great right now. All this vegan food, no meat for almost 2 weeks. I feel looser today, happy to be around Wim and Jeff, happy to talk bullshit, more in a flow. Out there the air is thick with rain air, and tents are scattered across the grass bellow me. Mark is a nice guy but I notice we all get a bit more serious when he’s around us. It’s interesting to note that. I’ve been travelling with my dick in my pocket, I made a move on one of the girls here and I plan on subtly making moves on Katy, or whatever her name is, which is kind of gross of me. I should be ashamed of myself.. but enough about me, I was just following my dick. It feels good to be here though, I’m going to miss it. I’m glad I met Wim and plan to see him when I get back to Antwerp to talk more bullshit, etc etc. ALl these interactions can get a bit much. Melissa is so serious. The energy is good here.

Day 11

00:50 Nothings wrong I don’t get it. Hootchie girl, tease, this is. It going as planned. I strummed my guitar like a beast, leaflets on the floor. Better tomorrow. This is silly. This is silly, I care and I don’t care because I do t know what the heck I’m doing. I just want to stand for something in life. That’s all she said, the importance of being strong and saying something. I’m welcome back anytime. The bird is here, on the roof, performing for god knows who. Unable to break through, because no one ever gave him permission to. That’s sad but dead, gotto get the scream out of my system. I’m glad for you but not excited, we want the same things only different. Artists inside,  but vague in what we want. You’re tall, I’m tall, let’s make babies, let’s quit smoking. I lied to you actually. I’m not hurt, not going in some direction. Taking the piles a day at a time. William Prine, bathroom break. Big butt girl called Anoek, soft eyes, another girl under my belt, I feel gross about it , leaning into the fear is like leaning into the sun. we sat around a fire today, we played songs. Sophie leaned against me until our backs became uncomfortable. The smoke in my hair, the smoke in all of ours. I tried to be brave, I was brave, I sang the best I could. Now is not the time, my defence mechanism is cunning and baffling, I relate to it. I would rather have nothing that be a shaky leaf trying to ‘score’, I feel embarrassed and ashamed and I seek re-assurance. It’s ok toadman, see you at the breakfast table. DAY 13

4:00 I don’t understand what happened. Caily contacted me and told me she was raped by Mark. The American cook I liked. I don’t understand. I don’t feel much, just inklings of some confusion. I’m unable to let this idea sink in property. Raped?? Mark the guy I spent 5 days with raped a 19 year old girl?? Threatened her with a knife?? I don’t understand, this doesn’t compute with me. Caily is a wonderful person, sweet, real, authentic. She contacted me, we chatted for hours. I hope she’s ok, even though I don’t know what to feel. I tired to just keep her company, be there for her. I’m trying to think what I would do if I saw him. He might have ruined a 19 year old girls life.. she’s numb right now and traumatised. This is the world we live in. People who are innocent and real get preyed on by predators it seems. They have their innocence taken away. Caily is one of the most innocent and authentic girls I’ve ever met. So incredibly naive in a way. This man preyed on that if this really happened. I hope she’s ok. I hope she’s able to live fully again. I hope she’s able to process all this, to trust again.

Day 14 conclusions and shit

T’was a perfectly imperfect trip. The conclusion rests in the balance of: I had a really enjoyable time, I’m glad that I went there. As I sit in black shorts and shoes with holes in them on a bench in Antwerp, Orval seems pretty far away already. But it’s cool. I’m not yet sure what to  make about the ending though. A girl might have been raped. I think she was raped because she’s at the police right now. On the last day we did a big clean of the kitchen, the 2nd one during my stay. Sofie was with is helping in the kitchen, chopping onions and doing a splendid job. I was tired from the night before, the third night of building a camp fire and playing sharades and some songs. We gathered the fire wood ourselves, firewood that spat and crackled and carried a few ticks. Caily was with us. We had so much fun. And Jef. Oh how I remeber that night, it was like it was yesterday, or the day before yesterday, which it was. A little sprinkler water to cool us off, we dragged Melissa through the snow, coughing and spitting and giggling like a happy school child. We did good and we did her good